If You Won’t Be His Girlfriend All Your Life – Do This

Here’s a letter from Shelly – she’s in a classic “girlfriend trap” – and yet, it feels okay to me right now. I like how she describes the relationship, and the man – and I feel that the urgency inside herself is what Shelly needs to focus on – rather than on zeroing in on how to talk about it with HIM.

In other words, she has more time and options and room to move, and the relationship feels good enough as it is – so she can breathe and really explore all her feelings.  Perhaps she’ll come up with some “out-of-the-box” ideas for herself!

“Hi Rori, I was wondering if you are in a relationship and your man, he has never been married and he’s 50 yrs old I am 49 years old I have been his longest relationship. At the beginning we talked about marriage because I had been in a unhealthy marriage for 17 years. That said. I told him I still believe in marriage and he said that he would never marry because of divorce rates (I think its more but i do respect peoples feelings) I’ve excepted the fact that he doe not want to marry it definitely was not a deal breaker. But I would live with someone, him yes….

We get along fabulously, spiritually, laugh all the time, have serious discussions and love each other etc. sounds great i know, why would i want to bring up the possibility of one day if he could commit to living together, now that would be the deal breaker, at 49 I will not be someone’s girlfriend all my life.

How would I bring up that subject, its been 9 months never has he missed a day without calling me before work after work and our good night call. We see each other on all his days off, my daughter and I spent Christmas dinner with his family and the next day he spent Christmas with my family. I just think were ready for growing in another direction together and I don’t mean tomorrow but in the not so distant future, I guess I just need to know because I’m falling hard.

The more time we spend together, I love him more than the first day we told each other that we were in love with each other. Thank for your advice to all of us woman. Shelly”

Here’s my answer:

Shelly – What I know first and foremost is that if you have these strong feelings that you don’t want to be a girlfriend all your life, but – that’s what it feels like to you day after day – and if you don’t delve into your feelings and speak to him and clear the air directly…you will create tension and distance and disruption in the relationship.

Marriage is not “the” Happy Ever After for everyone. Sometimes living together, owning a home or a boat together, traveling together – is plenty.

Don’t let images of what other people want color your desires – feel how it feels to be with him, and what you’d need to make it the whole package for you.  9 months is a long time – but not so long that he’s dragging his feet here. If he says he’ll never marry – believe him. See how you feel about that. (Things could shift – but I don’t want you to put any of your eggs into that basket in the meantime.)

The main problem is the need to have a discussion about what your relationship IS – not what it ISN’T.

Yes, it isn’t marriage-bound at the moment – but how about you ask him simply what he sees?  Does he see you living in the same house?  Traveling together? Or does he just like things the way they are?  He lives where he lives, you live where you live, and you see each other often?

And – before you even get into the future – how about the NOW?  Is seeing a man exclusively only on his days off enough for you?  Do you long for touch and companionship on the rest of the days?  After 9 months –  seeing him 2 times a week, if that’s what this boils down to, perhaps simply isn’t enough for you. (It wouldn’t be for me…but it might be PERFECT for another woman, who loves having all that time to herself and then a devoted, loving boyfriend and sex twice a week.)

Clearly, if you live together, you see each other every day, and sleep every night together. Is your daughter in the house?  Is that a concern for him if you live together? Then that’s something you’ll want to explore.

That’s what you need to discover – and there’s no urgency about it. You are just beginning to heal after being married unhappily for 17 years. Don’t rush YOURSELF – and certainly not HIM.

What you need to feel your way through is the WHY of why you’re exclusively involved with him, if it’s not enough time spent with him for you.  If it’s just because you’re enjoying being with him, and no one else is interesting you much – that’s fine.  And if someone came along who asked you to the theater or to dinner – how would you feel about saying “yes” to that?

And – are you making yourself AVAILABLE for that?

The key to everything for you is in not feeling “urgent.”

You have some time, here.  And so does he.

What you want to do is to keep talking with him. Keep speaking your truth. “Sweetie, somethings bothering me, and I hate to even talk about it, because I feel so good with you…and it’s important to me that we’re just honest with each other and don’t let things get stuffed down…is now a good time to talk?”

If he says “Yes” - then go with…“Once you said you would never marry again, I’m not sure how you feel about living together…have your feelings changed at all about this? What exactly do you see for us down the road?”

Now stop and let him talk.

Next – “I’m asking because I realize I don’t want to be a girlfriend all the rest of my life – even though being your girlfriend feels so great, I’m concerned that after a while, I’ll start to feel insecure and want to feel more solid…I’m just a girl here, and sooner or later, I’ll want more. What do you think?”

Let him talk. You can always ask him…“I don’t want to be putting pressure on you…do you want me to date other men so that there’s less pressure as we go along?” — Basically this is the “No Girlfriend” speech – but with a lot more “air” and expressiveness and exploration in it – and allowing him to get involved in the discussion.

Love, Rori

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1,032 Comments to “If You Won’t Be His Girlfriend All Your Life – Do This”

  1. 1: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Rori! synchronicity! I just spoke to Jonathon for my Friday interview and he made a big distinction between sharing a life – which is great for some, maybe me included, and “building” a life together. Amazing timing for this, and something that’s been boiling at the back of my mind, but didn’t congeal. Thanks for spelling it out in terms of what do I want – love it!

    Jacqueline

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 2:33pm

  2. 2: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so excited! i discovered somehting

    I had drawn the conclusion that my not reaching out (as per leaning back) was the reason i felt so isolated the past two years

    until this summer, when ( i – in my perception – contacted men somewhat, ) and my social life took off

    i just imagined myself attracting and receiving from the world

    and being one of those warpy black holes pulling in towards me everything i want

    including fun company

    and it W?ORked

    to get me in a great mood

    and now im getting contacted by people!

    ….

    my discovery was a glimmer

    that it wasnt my leaning back at all that had me isolated

    and just like ive been feeling taken care of my needs wihtout having had money this summer

    i CAN attract as much people that want to be around me as i need and want…

    it was some wall i had built up i belive…

    and isolating myself in the house instead of taking some steps i thought of like riding my bike

    88

    doesnt make sense 110, but i got the glimmer now!

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 3:45pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank youuu!
    angels!

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 3:48pm

  4. 4: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i just worked out!!! yahoo and had a protein shake

    wow!

    i am so much more enjoying my time alone of pulling in what i want with my galactic space time warping powers

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:10pm

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this time, when i worked out, this one part that always feels so hot and tight, to do, and uncomfortable,

    i allowed myself to do what my body wanted to,

    which was making roars and animal growls…

    and then felt much! better!

    i think my body was working out on the inside with those sounds…

    then when it was round two, i didnt even feel as pressed and no animal noises.

    in the past, i would have felt horrified, ashamed, and humioliated and like something was wrong with me for even wanting to make those noises

    because i was judging them as unnatrractive!

    but now that ive been used to feelilng my emotions and letting my body express itself, it felt cool, FREAKIN INTRIGUING AND

    not at all unttractiver

    rrauiugghhhhr

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:16pm

  6. 6: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, I like this part: “If it’s just because you’re enjoying being with him, and no one else is interesting you much – that’s fine.”

    Hmm. That feels freeing.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:27pm

  7. 7: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i initiated this energetic day turn around by using a story method

    the story went, oh this girl is feeling really sad,…. [now i insert the ending i want] but all of a sudden she discovers her ability to attract everything she wants to her like warping time, and she starts to FEEl it and knows that its something she will always have access to!!

    guess what, stories come true, yum

    yum

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:28pm

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i am now gettin flooded with endorphin blisss
    lalalalaaaa

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:39pm

  9. 9: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i dont think youre ready for this jelly
    i dont think your ready for this jelly

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 4:41pm

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my body is so effin amazing

    i mean just like my curves, and moving slowly in the mirror

    it looks fuc9ckin sick

    thank you God

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 6:46pm

  11. 11: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    UGHHH
    school yard guy stood me up.
    Like are you fckin serious?
    Really?
    Dude. If you were just gonna disqualify yourself by being a douche bag..why bother?
    What ever
    I feel annoyed.
    How do I feeling message the shit outta this so I can practice?

    How about.
    I feel annoyed. I thought you said you were going to text me to get together. I don’t want to be stood up. It feels bad, like being ignored.
    What do you think?

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:02pm

  12. 12: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i have this voice that always second guesses me

    are you sure??

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:20pm

  13. 13: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    What about just telling him: I feel annoyed… and then wait for him to ask why? then you answer, I feel stupid waiting for you to text me to get together, and the waiting and not knowing makes me feel annoyed, what do you think?

    Don’t know but trying not to blame him and avoid the word think are the few premises we need to consider when expressing in feeling messages.

    Hope you are feeling better now,

    Symi

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:30pm

  14. 14: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this is what i said and i laughed at the end so the energy moved. excited to see how this plays out. i hope it sticks.

    oooh. change wont stick! kapow

    a part of my being already knows

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now with compassion and kapow

    oooh,,,

    soimething just came up out my chest

    hehe

    this technique rocks

    cant wait till more peopel hear about it

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:30pm

  15. 15: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    yeah…avoid the work think…cool.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:31pm

  16. 16: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria,

    have you ever tryed SRT? is with a pendulum

    Symi

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:31pm

  17. 17: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    actaully, can wait, cuz im happy while i wait

    hehe

    umm

    what do i mean when i say cant wait?

    i mean? i feel excited seeing this happen in the future ?

    i see a happy vision of sharing with people about ask and receive technique

    yey

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:32pm

  18. 18: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Symantha – no, but i will check it out. right now online.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:32pm

  19. 19: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, how is it call the technique that you are using now?

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:35pm

  20. 20: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, im reading about it.

    well ive done some intense past life work let me tell you

    it was one of the most traumatically intense thing ever

    like, i had to be there in the scene where i was getting killed… and the negative beliefs were planted in my body since i was in trauma state my body was absorbing everything before death… that was the premise.

    um and i had to repeat the attackers words 3 times,

    the whole way thru, until it was all cleared.

    that ish was CRAZAY

    i felt whoa

    but… i think it did have a strong impact

    and i feel like i am a brave warrioress and have def proved myself to myself with that

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:35pm

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Its called Ask and Receive by Sandy Rodomsky

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:45pm

  22. 22: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve innitiated 4 years ago but stop practicing as I got deeply involved in my own relationship dramas, I feel embarrased now to admit that I get obssesed and is pretty much dificult to focus my attention in anything else tha the object of my addiction, the man in the relationship.

    Now Im just starting to gain the access to the divine knowledge to heal my mind, body and soul.

    I feel so excited, also learning the emotion code from Brad Nelson.

    I feel curious about FTP, need to check that one.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:49pm

  23. 23: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry, EFT

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 7:50pm

  24. 24: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i just worked out again!

    wow i think my hypnosis session is really working

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 8:46pm

  25. 25: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    giggle me….Young Thing is all excited about my answers on eH – I wonder how long it will take for him to ask me for a date – freak… he is only 40… shriek!

    I must go to bed…

    Jennifer – I can only be in my head – the guy is a complete idiot!!! sigh. It has happened to me as well….I felt awful and such a colossal waste of time. big hugs to you – it really is shitty.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 9:23pm

  26. 26: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer: I’d probably go with leaning back and see if he makes contact. Then I’d go with…

    I feel surprised hearing from you. I feel confused. Were you going to text me about getting together the other day? Cuz right now I feel mad and stood up based on our last convo. I don’t want to feel that way. What do you think?

    I dunno. A baby step message from this might be I don’t have plans until the boy sets plans. None of this “he’ll text me with info the night of a date” business, which I would be feeling anxious and uncertain about. Ya know? My time is wide open for other things until a boy says when and where.

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 9:35pm

  27. 27: CarolNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori ,
    i wonder if you can give me any insight into my situation!
    I have been chatting to a man from dating site for a couple of months now. I felt an istant attraction to him. He gave me his mobile number and asked me to text him. which i did , we had maybe 3/4 weeks just texting and chatting on the phone. I have been studying your siren and relationship e-book. I had felt really upset one day and used a ‘feeling’ message to him, he rang me imediately to cheer me up , and had also text me later the same evening to ask if i felt better. That made a big impression on me!
    he went away on holiday for 2 weeks , and we hadnt met in person before then. But as soon as he was back home, he text and rang me to arrange to meet up, which we did within a week of him coming home. this was last friday. Ifelt we really got on, hes so funny and talkative, and a total gent. He rang me within 5 minutes of us parting. and has text on the sunday, but iv heard nothing since. he had asked me if anything had put me off , and i just smiled and softly said no, he had leaned forward and given me a big warm smile and kiss.
    I’m trying to fight the urge to text him ! its really hard to resist as i really like him!
    I just felt this amazing connection with him , even when we just spoke on the phone , and wonder if he is maybe feeling the same ??
    and how do i proceed with him ?
    do nothing ,? i know ! but thats so hard !

    PLEASE HELP !! I DONT WANT TO BLOW THIS ONE ! HES A KEEPER!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:11am

  28. 28: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    This post is a great a wonderful reminder for us to stay on MY bridge. Staying in touch with my feelings and keeping things unstuffed, uncluttered and able to move forward at my own comfort and peace level is becoming easier for me. (this is great new ground and a new mindset for me).

    I had a co-worker/friend (?) tell me yesterday that I NEEDED THERAPY. I felt defensive, feel judged and angry at her. I thought about it a lot and thought that her remarks were based on… her bridge and goals and lifestyle. I have felt unhealthy pressure from her to let her line my life up to suit her. I dont think she does this on purpose but none the less she does it.

    I realized this morning that my bridge, goals, insecuritys, feelings.. urgencies are MINE. Just like Shelly from this post. One of us here could look into her situation and get triggered and feel compelled to… warn her she is in a dead end relationship etc etc with a well meaning motive.

    This post helps remind me I have “time” and to throughly sift thru my feelings so I can get where I want to be.

    Thanks Rori… for not judging Shelly, or telling her she was doing it wrong. It is a loving and constructive way to encourage us all to deal with ourselves.

    Linda

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:16am

  29. 29: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, getting married is not really my happy-ever-after, it’s having a place together and children and being able to travel and explore together. if he wants to buy me a ring and then throw a party, i’m down with that. :-)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 8:56am

  30. 30: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Getting married is my happily ever after. it has significance to me. it also makes me feel more obligated to commit to my choice, which someone like me, who has second thoughts about everything from the food she ordered to the shoes she put on in the morning, really needs to stay committed to anything. This is why I am going to a GRE class to study, rather than take care of it on my own, and why i am moving to a job that has me on more of a leash.

    i am so independent and free that it is holding me back in some ways

    i can’t wait to be married. i am looking forward to it mucho.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 10:18am

  31. 31: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    when i thnk of marriage i feel safe. i feel less threatened. i feel anxiety and fear imagining traveling the world with a man i am not married to. i fear he will desire and follow through with chasing foreign tail. i have this idea that if we are married, i have nothing to worry about. he can look and be attracted, and it will be an asset to our strong marriage and sex life, not a threat to our imaginary relationship

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 10:20am

  32. 32: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    It really takes some practice and skill to get those feeling messages not to sound like they are blaming.
    I tend to automatically start to say, “when you do this, I feel like this” which is actually another technique, but it still sounds like blaming.

    L

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 10:37am

  33. 33: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    life-is-too-short – Take out the first part, and you have it. “I feel…I don’t want to feel like this. It feels bad feeling like this.”
    You can add a, what do you think? or something I prefer, can you help?

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 10:55am

  34. 34: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Guess what? One of the Sirens who posts here sometimes, who goes by a different pen name is Mary, and she wrote a beautiful guide,

    A Woman’s Guide to Creating a Spirit-Led Business!

    You can download it for free from…

    http://www.capturinghappiness.com/

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 11:04am

  35. 35: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    All the Sirens and Heroes are busy working today…me taking a break. How do I feel today? I feel happy, hopeful, excited, productive, healthy, and content.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 11:43am

  36. 36: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s still morning in California. Good morning, California girls (and boys)! Good afternoon Wednesday, Aussie ladies! Good evening, Europeans! Get a life, Brenda! :-)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 11:45am

  37. 37: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    As I guy, I was initially triggered by this post and I emailed Erika about it since I didn’t want to barge in and potentially trigger all of you without due consideration. I definitely learned something in the exchange with Erika and I’m posting it here:

    ~~~~~~~~~
    Me:
    I just think that it’s valuable to separate out a woman’s need for commitment versus her need for actual marriage. I’m guessing this 50 year old guy is concerned about the legal, financial, and social ramifications of divorce more than just a monogamous, living together relationship. I’m betting he can commit to her, but he has issues around committing his resources to her, which is understandable. I’m hoping acquiring his resources is not her motivation to marry him.

    This “I’m not going to be a girlfriend forever.” is a no-win ultimatum if you’re already in a committed relationship. I don’t know what motivates it. Is it social pressure from her peers? Is it just being able to say you have made the ultimate commitment? To me, it’s not something you can sugar coat as Rori implies. Threatening to date other people is not “taking the pressure off.” It’s putting more pressure on! This couple is 49 and 50, not 29 and 30 years old. They should be clear on what’s really important to them and not feel compromised if they are going to stay together, of course. But they shouldn’t break up based on the failure to sign the legal agreement of marriage either. Unless, of course, she really wants his resources. That’s where I got triggered. I want to know what the real motivation is, I guess.

    Erika:
    If they are making it permanent, it’s ‘our’ resources. Look at the fears

    Me:
    Ah, I see it now. I think that’s why I’m open to marriage no matter how successful I get. It’s because I plan to choose a woman who’s on board with my mission in life and so we will be perfect partners and so I’m really excited about that. So this guy is not getting that aspect of it.

    So, what if the woman framed her desire to merge with his mission in life in those terms? I wonder if he’d see it differently…

    I see the masculinity gap in this scenario…
    ~~~~~~~~~

    I see room for both sides to come together on this. I wonder if the man in this scenario has a solid mission or purpose in his life or not. If he does, then he might be afraid getting married might compromise it. If he does not have a mission, then it’s likely he’s concerned about preserving his station in life and he views marriage/divorce as a real threat. I define having a life purpose or mission as the quintessential expression of masculine energy. It’s the idea of “staying on course” no matter what happens.

    So I see two ways for the girlfriend in this case to empathize and address his fears:

    1. Determine where and how he feels threatened by marriage/divorce and reassure him that she won’t let that happen wherever possible.
    2. Emphasize that in wanting a permanent relationship with him, that means committing to joining forces in all aspects of their lives. It’s not about “acquiring and keeping resources” as a result of marriage and inevitable divorce. It’s about her getting on board with him and vice versa no matter what happens in the future.

    If he’s 50 and never married, odds are he looks at the idea of marriage logically in his mind based on what he’s seen other people suffer through. He’s decided marriage=divorce and divorce=suffering. That belief needs to be addressed. While marriage is something his girlfriend has an emotional desire for, he actually has an emotional desire AGAINST getting married! Empathy becomes critical with this level of emotional opposition in order to find out where the common ground lies. So they need to explore why they feel so strongly and then share all that while giving space for it.

    Let me know what you think.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 12:43pm

  38. 38: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Carol – Brava! You MET a good man –that’s HUGE! Now – you don’t have to do ANYTHING to KEEP him – this is all about practice. Please keep Circular Dating. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 12:47pm

  39. 39: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oba herself was a queen and a monarch. She was a warrior queen at that. Where she ruled, she would defend her kingdom as well as conquer new territories. She had learned the art of forging bronze, and battle from her brother Ogun. Ogun never taught her the secret of iron though. Oba Nani was very benevolent, strong and resourceful. She devised methods for her people to process grains faster than anyone else, and this gave her kingdoms and her fifes economic prosperity comparable, if not exceeding that of her neighbors.
    In another kingdom known as Oyo, a ruler by the name of Dada Bayani was ousted. The people felt him (or her) unfit to be a ruler. For those who view Dada as a female, the odu Obe bara marks the transition, and beginning of male dominated monarchy that would apply to the rest of the world for in this odu, the sole purpose of Dada’s remove was because she was a female. Dada, not yet willing relinquish all of her power seated her younger brother Shango onto the throne where she would be able to rule behind the scenes.
    But Shango eventually came of age, an as a good king must, he needed to take a wife for himself to support him as he ruled his kingdom and future empire. Here, we begin to see the tactical prowess of the fourth Alaafin of Oyo. A marriage out of love was an uncommon luxury for that era, especially for a king. Shango, when deciding who to court, chose Oba, a ruler and warrior queen who had the potential to be either an essential ally or future foe. He knew that by marrying her it would not only instantly increase the scope of the kingdom and insure peace during his reign, after what happened to his sister, he knew that he would have the lion’s share of control over not only Oyo, but the lands that would become his as part of his marriage. And thus the kingdom of Oyo began to become an empire.
    When marriages are arranged, we expect love to come later, with time. Naturally, Oba fell madly in love and became a devoted wife to her husband Shango. And Shango loved her. But he never stopped loving dance, nor the attention of women as he would woo crowds with his talents and feats of magic. And so, his charisma eventually attracted Oshun to him. Being married, he could not marry again, but he made time for her often, lavishing her with gifts and keeping her close by. Oba knew of Shango’s infidelity but knew it was not her place to speak out against her husband. In fact, with time her and Oshun began to interact and even become very close friends. They would console each other when Shango sought after other interests. Oshun would teach Oba her craft as a witch, secrets of heaven and they both grew together to become very powerful.
    Oba’s attitude to her husband however was beginning to hinder her life. While Oshun did as she please and even fought with Shango when she felt slighted, Oba would only look for more ways to appease him, and the warrior queen, with time became even more submissive not realizing that it was the fire in her soul that Shango loved most about her. And that was beginning to fade.
    Olofi had eventually decided that the orisha were each worthy of worship by humans and should be the heads of their own cults and have their own spiritual children. Until then, Orunmila and Osain were performing all rites for the orisha and doing the same thing for each one. Olofi declared that each orisha would from that day forward have their own osun eleri and be responsible for their spiritual children on earth. Each of the orisha heeded the call and arrived at Olofi’s palace at the appointed time so that they could kneel before Him and receive osun eleri. All of them that is except for Oba who lost track of time because of her constant investigations into the life and whereabouts of Shango. When she remembered, she ran to Olofi’s palace and knelt down but it was too late. He had no more to give her and told her to rise and leave, that her foolishness had caused this to occur. She went home and cried to Oshun, telling her about all of her sadness and despair. Oshun comforted Oba and promised to assist her. Oshun told Oba that she would give birth to her children on earth for her. And so, all children of Oba were born of Oshun.
    With time, Oshuns relationship with Shango also grew weary. He became furious with her one day when he returned from a long trip only to find the people of Oyo praising Oshun for having vanquished a leopard that was killing its citizens. Shango could not stand for his own woman to have taken the title of kunlempe (killer of leopards) from him. They argued to no end. Oshun settled the matter by setting Shango’s house on fire. It is unclear as to how far they reconciled after that, but sure enough, Oya was soon to come into the picture.
    One day while traveling through the hills he met with a woman of strong character who seemed to be challenging him though dance. Shango amazed at this woman’s gall, he too began to show off and soon, they were dancing very close. Their challenge might as well have been a love poem for Shango was enthralled and demanded to have her. Oya did not object.
    It did not take long for everyone to notice that Shango loved Oya more than he had ever love Oshun or Oba. Oba thought that Oya might reveal to her the secret for keeping Shango so happy. Oya was not willing to relinquish her position as Shangos favorite, but she did not want to be overt about it either. Instead, she decided to conjure a plan that was sure to push Oba, the legitimate wife of Shango further away than ever. Oba still enjoyed the privileges of being Shango’s true wife and Oya wanted to see how she would change that.
    Always wearing a head wrap, she told Oba that the secret to Shango’s heart was in making a special stew made from her own ear. “That is why I wear this wrap” Oya said, “so no one will see my scars”. Oba, desperate to make Shango love her made amala stew for Shango with one culinary variation, she severed her ear and added it to the meal. She served it to Shango who then asked what was it that floated in his bowl. When Oba told him that it was her ear, so that he would love her again, he flew into a rage, throwing the amala against the wall. He made it very clear to Oba that she would forever hold the technical position of ‘wife’ in his kingdom, but never again would she feel even a morsel of his affection.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  40. 40: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jason – I’m huge on pre-nups. So – no resources to be tapped, all worked out in advance. And guess what? It doesn’t HELP!!! In my experience – that’s just not the issue. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  41. 41: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hiya, everyone! Jason that is very interesting and I think you said you’d never married here or on your site? I am wondering if that dialogue you wrote was for real for you or just pretend? And what it would be like to be never married and looking at marriage – if it would feel scary etc.? I am glad I had that one marriage cuz one guy actually told me at my age if I had never been married “they’d” think something was wrong with me. Also, Jonathon talked a LOT about why there is this on line dating gap in men in their 40’s yesterday, it really made sense to me and was like he’d already put into words something I’d felt but hadn’t bothered to address since I eventually found one. It’s useful and interesting.

    I feel grateful for the growth I find here!

    J

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:10pm

  42. 42: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dorothea – hi! you get some sleep? I hope so! pulling two all nighters is unimaginable once you get to be my age. Grin….I feel proud of you for your recognition of your needs.

    @ all…. I thought for most of my 20’s I kept a boyfriend around so I’d have a constraint, or kind of a box around me?> because without the world of infinite choices made me dizzy!!! and probably at the time although I didn’t know it – scared. Well, I felt it a little even argued about it in my head – you know people have MORE trouble choosing when you give em 36 choices than when they have 5? and they have less satisfaction with their choice?

    Wow, people are fascinating…

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:14pm

  43. 43: robertaNo Gravatar says:

    hey i have a problem and i hope you can help me..
    There is this giy.. he asked me out but i said no.. because lots of thing happend and i wasnt able for it. but i realy liked him..but i was thinkin about it for a while and i wanted to go out with him so i told him but he said no he.. he said that he never meet a girl liek this and that i am fucken unreal..i didnt know why he said no so i asked my friends hu knew him and tehy told me that he has a girlfriend..:( but i stil realy like him..and i know that he like me to because when i am with him..they way he looks at me and the way he talks to me its diffrent.. at the start when i found out that he has a girlfirnd we had lots of fights and he told me that he dosent wane know me and that he hates me and stuff like that..but after a while we where talking and everythig is fine like he acts like he didnt say anything liek its fine between us.. i am so confused wil you tell me what to do because i realy love him i never felt somthing like that to a boy..thenks.:)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:28pm

  44. 44: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m with Rori on this!!!!! I agree wholeheartedly to pre-nups……..My gut feeling when a man can’t hide behind, “you just want my stuff”…….fear of abandonment is playing in the background…..

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:35pm

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Obba Nani is the orisha of the home and marriage. Obba was the first wife of Chango who he loved dearly and made queen of his kingdom. Obba tended to Chango’s castle and everything that the king requested. She was truly a wife and Olofi made them the first couple to be married and to be called man and wife. Obba is a beautiful woman and she would walk the kingdom and castle making sure all is in order. She taught the kingdom of Chango and the other orishas how to read and write. She was very patient and had the gift to teach. Obba also traveled the world with Yemaya after her separation from Chango to teach humankind. Obba also taught the orishas how to sway their swords, as she is a strong and fierce warrior. Oya her sister was one of them who she taught. They were very close before the betrayal.

    Obba is a fair woman and very elegant. Her color is pink and burgundy with touches of red. Obba loves everything that is flowery and that represents the home. She was an excellent cook. In her warrior aspect, she can go head to head with any orisha, as she knows how to fight. People usually see her as a soft and fragile flower, but when she is provoked she can easily bring justice and slice you in half. When at war she is the sound of loud bombs that blast through the air. In her ceremonial coronations, firecrackers are used to call upon the orisha to show her warrior side. Obba is a queen and mother that protects her people with grace and beauty.

    Obba lived a warm and joyful life with her husband Chango until her sister Oya betrayed her. From there she went to the woods where her waters run. Her brother in law Ogun made her an anvil made out of wood as a wedding gift when she married Chango. This anvil is one of the most important implements that is used for Obba alongside with other implements. Obba has one ear due to the betrayal of her sister. Obba loves the finest things in life. She loves all types of jewelry and wines. It is said that she gave some of her riches and jewels to her younger sister Oshun when Oshun did not have much. Obba keeps a small elegant treasure box in which she keeps all of her riches and jewels.

    Pataki of Obba Nani

    One day Obba was tending the castle of Chango. She was cleaning and organizing everything in the castle. Chango was out doing his duties as king of his town. Her sister Ochun was in the castle helping her tend to the kitchen when Obba realized that she forgot to pick something up at the market. She told her younger sister Ochun that she would be right back and hasted to the market.

    When Obba reached the market, she began to pick up the items that she missed on her previous trip there. In the marketplace, she noticed her other sister Oya and she walked over to her. They greeted politely and started to shop around together. Obba knew that her husband Chango had a fling with her sister but since she was his faithful wife and knew the actions of the king Chango, she never approached him about the situations. However, Obba would always notice that when Chango spoke about Oya his demeanor would change. Obba approached Oya and told her that she knew Oya was with Chango. She just did not understand how when Oya’s name was mentioned, Chango would light up in a way and how Ogun was so faithful and infatuated with her. Therefore, she asked her sister what was the secret on making these men fall head for her and only think of her only. Oya smirked and looked at her sister with a jealous face as she Oya was in love with Chango and was jealous that her sister Obba was with the great king.

    Oya proceeded to tell Obba a secret that she has kept for years that no one knew. Obba’s face lit up, as she wanted to hear it. She thought that maybe it can work on Chango. Oya told Obba that she had to cook Chango’s favorite food, the amala ila (cornmeal with okra). Oya told her that this particular amala she had to add a special ingredient to it. Obba wanted to know and Oya hesitated to tell her. Obba pleaded with Oya to tell her the secret and Oya told her that what she needed to do was cook the amala and cut off her left ear and place it in the food. Obba put a horrifying face and asked Oya if she was serious. Oya told her that she was and if she wanted Chango to look at her and only her that she needed to do this. Oya started to fill Obba’s head with more lies and told her that once she cut her ear off to mix it in the amala. She said that once her ear hit the bottom of the stomach of Chango, that he would forever be in love and he would not have the heart or stomach to look at another woman. Obba was satisfied and ran home to prepare Chango’s favorite food.

    Obba got home and started to pull out the pots and pans to start to cook with such haste. Ochun was wondering why she was acting weird. Obba told Ochun to not to worry to go outside and mingle in the kingdom. Ochun left Obba and started to cook.

    Once the amala was boiling up, she added all the ingredients she always added to make the food tasty for her king who was on the way home. It was time to add the last ingredient that Oya told her to add. She grabbed a knife and she was hesitant on doing this, but she kept hearing Oya’s words in her head saying that after this Chango would only have eyes for her. With a great sweep of her hand, Obba’s ear was cut and it fell right on the table. Obba rushed and got something to clean the blood off her shoulders. She then placed her cut off ear inside the amala and stirred it praying that what she did would take effect.

    Ochun was in the middle of the town when she saw Oya walking towards her. She stopped Oya and asked her how she was doing. Oya turned and told Ochun that she was good that she was coming to see if Obba did what she told her. Ochun baffled asked Oya what was it that Obba was going to do. Oya told Ochun that she told Obba to cut her ear and feed it to Chango in his amala. At this time, Chango and his men are galloping through the town towards the castle. Oshun runs towards the castle to stop Obba. Chango enters his castle and calls out for his loving wife as he always did. When Chango saw Obba, he saw something strange about her. He noticed that she was wearing a head wrap in which she does not because he loved how her hair was long and silky. The great king paid no attention and gave his wife a hug and a kiss. Chango sat down at his table to see that his wife Obba has prepared him his favorite amala. In this moment Ochun runs in, salutes Chango and of course, Chango’s eyes looked at Ochun very seductively. She grabs her sister very softly and rushes her to the kitchen. Ochun asks Obba what she has done. Obba told her nothing and proceeded to smile as her mind was in the amala and Chango’s love. Ochun noticed the spot of blood where Obba’s ear was and asked her sister why she cut her ear.

    Oya walks into the castle and salutes Chango. Immediately Chango salutes her back and proceeds to pick up his spoon to eat his amala. Oya stops the great king and asks how his day was. Chango, very hungry but not to be rude answers Oya. Oya tells Chango that if he noticed anything weird within the castle. He responded no and tried again to reach for his spoon. Oya asked Chango if he noticed anything weird about his lovely wife Obba. Chango looked at Oya and said the only thing weird is that she is wearing a head wrap but usually that is something that woman do when they are tending to their hair. Oya smiled and told him that she over heard Obba talking and that Obba was going to cut off her ear and place it in the amala. Chango asked why and Oya told her it was to trap him so he would not see anyone else. Chango said that Oya was mistaken on what she heard. Obba walks out to find her sister Oya conversing with Chango and she thought nothing of it. Chango tells Obba that Oya had some weird story of her cutting her ear and feeding it to him. Obba stayed quiet looking at Oya with a face as in why would she do that. In that moment, Chango dips his spoon in his amala and the first thing that he brings up on his spoon is Obba’s ear. Chango jumps up out of his seat and asks Obba for an explanation. Obba stays quiet and for her staying quiet, Chango grew very angry. He walked over to her and ripped her head wrap off. When he did this, he noticed that Obba had a nub where her ear is suppose to be. Blood still dripping from the cut, he yells at Obba asking her why. However, before Obba could respond, Chango grabbed her and walked her towards the door. He opened the door and told him that no wife of his could have any defects. With that, he told her to leave his kingdom and to never return. That was the end of their marriage Chango said.

    Obba ran out of her former house and kingdom. She ran and ran until she reached a stone that was near a cave. There Obba began to cry and cry. She wondered why her sister Oya would betray her like that and why Chango would not listen to her and just throw her out. The tears that fell from her eyes created a lake that lead into a river. At that moment, Olofi came down and saw the dismay that Obba was in. He told her that he knew what happened to her and why did she do that. Obba, upset asked Olofi to please send her to a place that no one would look at her. Olofi asked Obba if she did indeed want to do that. Obba replied yes. Olofi remembered that he needed someone to dig the holes for the bodies of his creations. Obba immediately took the position before Olofi could continue. Obba was sent to a place that was very solitude. She noticed that she was approaching Oya’s house and she questioned in her mind what was she doing there. Nevertheless, she never did question the great Olofi. It was inside Olofi’s garden where Obba would work. She was then assigned to open the graves of the cemetery.

    Ochun came running to see where Obba was at and when she ran through the forest she saw the great Olofi. She asked him what had happened to Obba and Olofi told Ochun that she has now been moved to ile iku (cemetery). Ochun ran to the cemetery and saw her sister opening the holes for the arrivals of the new corpse of man. From that day Obba has not seen Chango and vice versa but there’s not a day that goes by where Obba and Chango think about each other.

    Obba’s feast day is November 25th. Her number is 9 or 8 in some houses of worship. She is the legitimate wife of Chango. She does not like infidelity as in her presence that is not allowed. Obba is received when one is married and has lived longevity with their spouse and they have made a concrete marriage. It is said that if you receive her when you are single, then it will be hard for you to have a relationship because Obba does not want you to be hurt. That is true for some people. I believe that Obba like any other orisha will not make you go through anything hard such as a relationship. If she sees your spouse, doing you wrong or cheating on you she will make that spouse leave within a hurry. She reaffirms any relationship. Obba loves all the finest things in life and she contains a golden key that she and her sister Ochun change on a regular basis. This key opens all the treasures in the world. Her weapon is a sword or a dagger in which she knows how to use it with great speed. Daggers are used in her sacrificial ceremonies. Obba sacrificial animals are female goats and in some houses male goats, hens, pigeons and guinea hens. Her animals should be clean and smelling good. It can be either white or a reddish color. In the house of a follower of Obba, she is nowhere or should be nowhere near Oya. She may live wet or dry depending on the house that she is given from. She loves wines, champagnes, fine sweets and cakes. Obba is done Oshun oro Obba in which her children are initiated through Ochun’s mystery. Not a lot of people know the fundamental secrets on initiating her directly but I heard it could still be done. When Obba makes her presence at a festival, she dances with one ear covered swaying her dagger. Her children are very meticulous and very delicate. You must know how to talk and act with them. They like fine arts and dining.

    Family of Ochun

    Oba Molo Chun

    This saint is the young sister of Obba on her side. She lives in the river and she is in charge of bringing happiness to the home and to the marriage. Her bead is a bone color with coral. She also takes an osun with implements of Obba made of gold.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:54pm

  46. 46: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Jason: “He’s decided marriage=divorce and divorce=suffering.”

    I’m curious why this would be the conclusion you draw. There are so many people who don’t want to get married (J and I to name just two…) and I don’t know that it has anything to do with “suffering” or divorce for most of those people (it certainly isn’t about that for us…).

    Maybe he just can’t think of a good reason why he SHOULD get married. That’s us. We are happy…we don’t want kids…we each have our own finances…neither of us needs the other to provide health insurance, etc…we are already committed…we are already planning to spend the rest of our lives together…we are bonded in a way most couples aren’t…we see nothing about our lives together we want changed…he’s not religious and I can’t get married in my church without an annulment (something I don’t want to do)…we both feel our union is blessed without a church anyway…

    So…what’s a good reason? A party? Presents? Ummm….a committment? No…we have that. What then?

    It’s not always about divorce and/or suffering and it’s very possible this man wants what J and I have rather than marriage. I’m curious if you think maybe you were projecting a little in your analysis of him? What do you think?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:54pm

  47. 47: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel compelled to apologize for posting such long stories. i feel soo enthralled and moved by them ive been crying and so i want them here so i can read them . i dont want to apologize for this and i feel really mad

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:55pm

  48. 48: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    40: Rori Raye

    Thanks for the clarification. No doubt my reaction was a product of my background and the nature of my parents’ relationship. So I went straight to the resource issue. And if pre-nups don’t resolve it, then the issues really are outside of my personal experience.

    41: Jacqueline

    I’ve never been married, but I’ve had two live-in multi-year relationships. So when those ended, they were like divorces at least emotionally. We didn’t get married mostly because we wanted to “try it out” first. The issues became overwhelming once we were living together in both cases. Commitment has not been the issue with me so much as not choosing well.

    I don’t think we GenXers have much of an issue around hitting 40 and never being married. There are just too many of us out there to count, both men and women.

    What is this online dating gap of men in their 40’s Jonathon was talking about? Are there fewer of them online in general?

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 1:55pm

  49. 49: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    45: Mercedes

    I might have been projecting since I got triggered initially, but she did say this in the beginning:

    “he said that he would never marry because of divorce rates”

    From that I concluded that he was afraid of the aftermath of divorce, which he saw as a likely outcome. Of course, I could be wrong about that.

    You said:
    “It’s not always about divorce and/or suffering and it’s very possible this man wants what J and I have rather than marriage.”

    Maybe so, but I’m curious why he WOULD want that over marriage? And conversely, why she WOULDN’T want that over marriage?

    Help me out here, because I’m really trying to get down to the motivation underneath “not wanting to be a girlfriend forever.” It’s really important to me that I get that.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:09pm

  50. 50: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Mercedes!!! I have really missed you and your perspective lately!

    Jason – I’m doing a two part interview with him on his stuff Fri/Mon….but will email you this part when I get it transcribed. LOL…he thought I was recording the call and really I was scribbling as fast as I could, then I had to jump off and write an EFT article, so I should write it out today…whew! but maybe I’ll still be able to read my writing tomorrow. It’s not a quick answer – going to be a paragraph or two, or I’d just write it here – not putting you off!

    a blog is hard work, who knew? Well, I didn’t.

    Thanks for asking and you know some of what you tell me gets incorporated into my conversations now with men,and even some of it that’s been there all along, like the why does everyone ask me if I’m divorces asap? that the guy answered….sounds different to me, too…. so thanks for that too.

    I get the emotionally no different than a divorce, after my divorce I’ve lived with one guy for 7 years, and was with another for 9 – and emotionally it’s maybe even more devestating? I mean you can get all worked up about your STUFF – couch, etc. and fight so much on that, you might sail right over the feeling part of it – but you can’t do that in a breakup….your stuff then is all emotional and you’ve got to deal with it!

    All we really have in this world is our word, huh? Even a pre-nup can be beaten….I read they rarely stand up in court but that would be an Erika the lawyer question for sure.

    off for now, everyone have a great day!

    J

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:14pm

  51. 51: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Jason: I’m not sure I can help because unless there are children involved (to offer a family name to) or financial reasons or religious reasons…I don’t see the benefit of marriage. I’m also not the right person to ask because I DO want to be a girlfriend forever…

    As far as his comment about divorce rates, I saw that too but didn’t apply it to suffering necessarily…could be but I just didn’t jump to that conclusion. More like just a pain in the ass where I’m concerned. But again…I’m not suffering because of divorce…I’m MUCH happier because of it.

    So I’m no help…lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:20pm

  52. 52: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Jason – If I may. Being a couple without being married doesn’t mean we’re just dating forever.
    As Miss M said, we’re committed and want to be together forever. We feel as does Miss M and her J that marrying does not make us feel any more together or committed.
    I am not against marriage, but the way I see it, it’s a piece of paper which makes things legally and financially easier in some cases, and to some it does indeed mean something, especially those who are more religious. If children are involved I think it’s a good idea but again not necessarily necessary.
    For me it has no meaning. No paper or ceremony or any other public declaration would make me love K more or want to be with him more or more anything. And he feels the same.
    For me it’s something people do, and why do I need to conform. We don’t want children. Neither one of us is going anywhere, so why?
    I wouldn’t say no if he suddenly decided he wanted to, but even if we did marry, it wouldn’t change a thing between us.
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:21pm

  53. 53: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps…you know what that guy who told me that answer to the divorce question said, and 3 others said close to the same?! Anytime we meet a girl who looks like you and she’s NOT taken, we assume she’s high maintenance/difficult, etc.

    Wowie…..I think those were all guys in their late 30’s tho? seems to be a difference in dating thinking and speaking from 35+ and 35-.

    thanks again,
    J

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:21pm

  54. 54: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a deeper understanding of tinque and Mercedes “commitment” … they feel like true marriages to me… where they are happy and want to be together forever

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:23pm

  55. 55: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Daria, yes, and thank you, thank you, thank you.
    muah
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:24pm

  56. 56: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I second tinque! Thank you Daria…so much…that’s exactly how I feel about it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:28pm

  57. 57: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i think thinking im high maintenance hasnt ever stopped a guy from pursuing me

    i can feel teh dust rubbles around these beliefs

    i am clearing them

    mhm

    when he meets me

    sees a girl who looks like me but most feels a girl who feels like me he thinks wow i have never been here before, but it feels like home, i want this woman who is woman who is woman of skin parfume smoke and swirls, and lingerin soft sounds.

    more than meets the eye

    what meets the heart

    and what meets the hips

    is my hips

    dips circles swirls

    in creation

    lips burning

    wet or dry

    alight on fire man

    i wil dance you

    here and back

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:28pm

  58. 58: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Nothing wrong with high maintenance whatever that might mean to you. You need to be treated with the greatest of care, like the precious gift that you are.
    It’s also possible to be easy, easy going, and high maintenance at the same time.
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:35pm

  59. 59: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    51: tinque

    I totally get that. And I support your and Mercedes decisions to not be married out of choice. And I also see objectively why couples would want to be married. You gave the obvious reasons that I would have probably come up with on my own.

    I guess what I’m asking might not have a clear answer. I also went back and read what Shelly wrote again. It was a little confusing to me as to whether she was actually OK with just living together without being married or not. I now think she is OK with that. I assumed somewhere along the line she wasn’t. I might be barking up a tree that isn’t even there! :-)

    Thanks for staying with me on this one.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:38pm

  60. 60: lmNo Gravatar says:

    @ 57:

    tinque

    i love this!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:40pm

  61. 61: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    52: Jacqueline says:

    “ps…you know what that guy who told me that answer to the divorce question said, and 3 others said close to the same?! Anytime we meet a girl who looks like you and she’s NOT taken, we assume she’s high maintenance/difficult, etc.”

    The assumption here is that a good looking woman wants to be in a relationship at all times and is capable of having a boyfriend at all times. Therefore, if she is available, then she must be getting dumped on a regular basis because there’s something wrong with her.

    Men will come up with any reason they can to avoid asking a good looking woman out because they fear rejection. Assuming she’s “difficult” because she’s attractive and available sure saves a guy from putting himself out there, doesn’t it?

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:47pm

  62. 62: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Jason, thank you for that, it took all I had to not ugly up and dumb down. Smile…

    What he did say that was an easy quote tho, and was EXACTLY what Scot McKay said? Women show up with walls, they show up with their last 500 dates with them, and then they want us to jump over those walls. Well, I’m NOT that guy, so don’t show up with him. Not sure if this is true, has always been true and guys didn’t know it, and now they do because of “man bashing?”….but yes! I agree and want the same from the guy…

    Because I might totally be like that girl on How I Met Your Mother and I’m only single for like 5 hours before some grabs me; how would you know just based on how I look?!

    Love that insight, Jason…thanks! I did put on 25 pounds – because of the breakup, because of the stress, because I was like damaged if I were beautiful?!!! and am now ready to really let them go. Oh, and maybe because of menopause – and the don’t get fat thing is another thing Athol, Scot and Jonathon all said. Which I would have heard as patronizing and shallow, but I’m now hearing as a real concern men have? In Jonathon’s case he went onto why you don’t want to be a trophy, tho, and that felt good.

    It’s nice to have you in the conversation, Jason!

    J

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 2:59pm

  63. 63: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve posted!

    hmmm… where to start…

    I’ve been spending a lot of time hanging out in my boy energy, and I feel exhausted! Even while I take time to pamper myself to make me feel good, it’s just not enough.

    I’d love to have a masculine guy step up and want to take me out and provide for me.

    So I’m back on the blog to practice some feeling messages and switch my vibe.

    I’d feel so good receiving attention and interest from a strong guy, one who doesn’t want me to run the relationship.

    Recently I was hunted down (like, literally!) by an old friend who I’ve known forever. He kissed me. I regretted it. Even though I used feeling messages with him the entire time, I was still hanging out in my boy energy, and he must have felt that vibe.

    I really felt ewww with him. I realized it’s because he wants to be taken care of (financially especially) and thinks I’m the type of woman who can do that.

    I felt bad because he doesn’t see ME. The REAL me. In college, he was the ‘it’ guy. Some of my girlfriends dated him, and he broke some hearts. He never asked me out then… now I’m completely unattracted, and it seems the tables have turned.

    That feels good in an egotistical kind of way.

    He told me what he liked about me, and they were all boy-energy things. That feels really icky! (I told him that.)

    …so, I’m back. To switch my vibe back to girl energy.

    I was doing really well in the Spring, and attracted a really great guy. Unfortunately, his personal life blew up and I haven’t talked to him in a while.

    He’s there on my IM day after day, and sometimes it’s all I can do to not IM him.

    This is not a control thing. It’s me wanting to be the girl in the relationship. I can easily date in “boy energy”, but it doesn’t get me the type of relationship I want.

    …and I’m doing a little experiment with this. I wonder, if I switch my vibe and really revel in my femininity, and practice that here on the blog… will he somehow feel it in the ether and contact me?

    Or will another great guy feel me call to him and be attracted?

    hmmm… experiment time.

    The good news is that even though I’ve been attracting girl energy guys, I have recognized it almost immediately and outgirled them.

    But in attracting them, I realize that I am projecting boy energy.

    blah blah blah, I feel all jumbled up and unable to express myself.

    Someone counsel me please (hehe!)

    xo Siena

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:14pm

  64. 64: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque 51…

    “it’s a piece of paper which makes things legally and financially easier in some cases”

    Just to add to this, it’s also a piece of paper which makes things legally and financially a lot more difficult when you decide to split up. Just like with other legal agreements, I think we should be provided with the small print (and read it!) before we sign up…

    I do feel though that if you’re committed enough to have children with someone (much more serious than a legal agreement in my book), you should be committed enough to get married. It’s like making a commitment to being a family, rather than just to your partner.

    For everyone else, it’s entirely a matter of choice, and I don’t think married couples are automatically more committed. What I would say is that because it’s more difficult to split up if you are married, in my experience married people tend to think harder and wait longer before they split. That could be a good thing if the relationship can be saved… but not if one partner is suffering because of the other for whatever reason, and carries on doing so rather than face the dreaded divorce court…

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:26pm

  65. 65: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i have a don’t get fat thing with men… hmmm… both my parents are careful about their weight

    especially my dad will call me and my mom out

    i want to be seen that i want the body shape I want for myself and feel accepted

    i can have this mmm

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:31pm

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Love you Siena!! you’re doing great!

    you had your pond stirred up with the muddy stuff from the bottom,

    and now it will clear to even more loveliness.

    my pond was stirred in spring,…
    and its lovely now

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:33pm

  67. 67: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    exactly as you say, you can see how you have grown!

    what this means – tho – is that you have grown more than you can SEE

    and its about to fruit up and burst!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:34pm

  68. 68: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena 62…

    I loved reading that; it’s great when people share their experiences of how the “tools” work for them, or not. Keep us informed please…

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:35pm

  69. 69: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    62: Siena

    As far as I’m concerned, if I had coached you and you came to these conclusions while working with me, I would call you a success story. You need no counsel as you are on the right track to get what you want. Your challenge now is to get your numbers up so that you’re not hung up on any particular guy. You are ready to be wowed by the one that really stands out and really wants only you.

    I’d like to make a blog post out of your comment if it’s alright with you and Rori. I think you’ve nailed it.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:35pm

  70. 70: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I feel loved – thank you Daria, Frenchkitty and Jason!

    Daria, “is that you have grown more than you can SEE
    and its about to fruit up and burst!”

    Yay! I feel soooo GREAT reading that! I’m ready to see some fruits – thank you for seeing that!

    Jason, I feel humbled by your post. I won’t feel I ‘got it’ until I’ve got him! But if you want to post, post away!

    Re “numbers up.” I CD’d like a fiend all through the Winter and Spring. I really liked it (mostly – sometimes it was exhausting), but stopped mostly because it stopped feeling good to date a bunch of men.

    I’m not hung up on this one guy, but I do feel good when he’s around, and would like to feel that way again – whether it’s with him or another.

    I feel bored and tired with the online dating thing. Been there, done that. Met some wonderful people, but I’d feel better attracting someone great the old fashioned way.

    …so I’m imagining myself as a magnet. Not a wimpy Costco magnet, but a super-powered totally strong, “can’t-get-away-if-you-tried” magnet.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 3:52pm

  71. 71: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, you are on a roll!
    I love the magnet thing… it is a really FUN image! I’m seeing it like in a 50’s comic strip… Magnetic Magic Marvel Chick or something… excellent… I think I will try this too…

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:01pm

  72. 72: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    33. tinque
    ” Take out the first part, and you have it. “I feel…I don’t want to feel like this. It feels bad feeling like this.”
    You can add a, what do you think? or something I prefer, can you help?”

    Thank you much, tinque, that’s a good tweak.

    Now, if I communicate sincerely that way with a man and he says he can’t help or doesn’t care how you feel, you will have a sign that it might be time to know when to fold ‘em.

    That’s from Evan’s post today, he says:

    “The secret to relationships is understanding when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. And if you spend all your time trying to MAKE a man do ANYTHING, you’re missing out on the beauty that is a HEALTHY relationship.”

    Sorry, I’m too much of a diva goddess that respects herself to stand for neglect, abuse or work for crumbs.

    NEXT!!

    Let’s hear it for the man who wants to commit to great happiness and joy with me in a healthy relationship!!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:12pm

  73. 73: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    69: Siena

    What I mean by “numbers up” is simply having such rock-solid congruence in your femininity that you know there’s always another guy out there who will approach you very soon. Your job is to screen and reject the one’s you’re not interested in. It will take some practice to feel confident so you’re in a great position to work on it.

    You’ve got the main issue handled which is expressing your feminine energy when you want to so you get the result you want. That’s really the hard part. Now it’s just practice and application of your new skills.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:14pm

  74. 74: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I wonder if your mom’s gone through menopause? Cuz for me it was like TWO YEARS (even though the doctor said I was done at the beginning of all that!) of wanting chocolate I mean seriously out of control bloating and cravings; like pmsing 3 weeks out of a month….maybe only 3 or 4 hot flashes, lucky me…and everyone said, just let it go, it’ll fall off when you’re done. And I’m just now “done,” pretty much. Since I don’t look older no one really ever told me anything, and everyone I know has had a hysterectomy, etc. I only had one friend that ever just went through it.

    Tinque works with this kind of stuff, but I am feeling so much less cravings these last three months, thank heavens!!! I might really be done!

    I think menopause is kind of swept under the rug due to women not wanting to talk about aging, and drs. wanting to rush you into a hysterectomy – I had to walk out on two doctors that that was their first response to my endometriosis. And my doctor now says he’ll give me HRT if I want it….but I’ve held out all this time, so kind of feel like what’s the point?

    And I got this skinny skiny but muscled guy…who loves my tummy?!!! I’m either lucky or it’s just weird!~still, I’m the one who has to live authentically in my body. And I’d hate to be called out on it by anyone – why do you think your dad does that? what do you think?

    thanks!

    smiles,
    J

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:28pm

  75. 75: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a one hour drive to and from work. Sometimes I feel like I’m in orbit with so much driving. It really got to me today, and when I got home, it felt so good to just sit and let my mind stop spinning. I texted my brother to keep myself from texting Ryan. Normally we text silly stuff, word play. Tonight after some word play, I threw in some feeling messages. He got real quiet, so after about 10 minutes, I texted, “TMI?”

    He wrote back, “Three Mile Island?”

    He was avoiding intimacy. I texted, “Are you scared?” No response. Ha! He’s not used to feeling messages from me too much.

    I am really into Dancing with the Stars this season, especially Jennifer Grey, David Hasselhoff, and Michael Bolton. I wish I could dance better. I love to dance.

    I feel really concerned about my weight. It is affecting my health, and I keep trying to eat better. But I like food so much and I think about it too often. I am not losing weight. Next year is my 30th class reunion from high school. I would like so much to go in a size 12…and with a man by my side.

    At moments like this, I feel so far from my goals. I just am going to go lie down.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:41pm

  76. 76: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    marriage and being 40….well I will weigh in on this one. I am of the impression that the quality of the long term relationship is what is important. I know many many couples who are not married, have children, own property together, love each other deeply, call each other partner and are incredibly happy – and not married.

    Where I see something that needs attending to, is the person who has reached 40 and has not had a significant relationship. My woman friends where this has happened, have a close circle of friends that go all the way back to high school and interestingly, they have continued to do stuff together and the circle is “closed” – not enough new people coming into the circle to support building new romantic relationships. And due to the comfort of the circle, they don’t seem to notice time go by and they don’t have a partner. They suddenly wake up one day and go “oh my, I guess I won’t be having kids…”

    Then there is another group that come from incredibly dysfunctional families (like me! and look what I did – married a gay guy!!) – need I say more…the pattern is everything we are all working on here.

    Then there is this unique group – the “only child”. Now this is totally unscientific and just by observation in my 25-year counseling practice….the number of only children not married just astounded me. My “theory” is they don’t learn how to share effectively. I arrived at this generality because they had problems at work (which is the kind of counseling I did), they couldn’t share information, resources, power; they struggled with some types of teams, some had problems in leadership roles etc etc etc. and when I asked them about their backgrounds, there was a significant number who were only children. I found that interesting.

    My next round I am fully planning on being the unmarried and extremely happy variety! I am finally getting rid of all the dysfunctional stuff that protected me as a child and is not working any more – I am LIBERATED!!! yeeah!!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:42pm

  77. 77: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Thank you for sharing the story. Like we say to everyone else…spam away! No one ever told you to hold back, right? I think it’s beautiful how you pour out your heart here!

    I wondered at first if you wrote the story.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:44pm

  78. 78: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I got really silly in a work meeting today with Mike. I have gotten too familiar with him. It is funny sometimes, but today I got carried away. Once I start laughing, sometimes I can’t stop. I think it stems from childhood when I was stomped on every time I expressed emotion. So I learned to repress it.

    Now when my emotion comes out, whether it’s positive or negative, it tends to be extremely intense.

    I feel concerned because many times when people interact with me I get carried away and too silly, too sad, too loving, or whatever. I have a lot of love to give. I gave a lot of love to Ryan. It wasn’t appropriate, because he wasn’t returning it at that level. Yet I couldn’t moderate my love tank, and it just kept pouring out like a tidal wave over a broken dam. Damn.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:48pm

  79. 79: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Jason! I realize that I didn’t really receive your first post’s compliment and advice. I appreciate what you said and the advice you offered – thank you!

    Isn’t it funny how I said that I wanted to get back into my girl energy, and then a man offered me something, and I kind of blocked it? (Not rejecting it full out, but not really receiving it either.)

    …off to do some shopping. And getting hot chocolate first. Chocolate and shopping! Feels yummy!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:50pm

  80. 80: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I appreciate how you are clear and I feel empathy with you. I am glad you are back for a while!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:51pm

  81. 81: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty – hehe I love it! (#70)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:51pm

  82. 82: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Lizzie! It feels good to be back!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:52pm

  83. 83: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel alienated too often from Kenny. We talk on the phone every day for 15-30 minutes. I shared with him my dream that I shared this morning on the “Observing…” thread. As usual, he interrupted me and said, “There you go, now you’re talking! I’ve been telling you you need some dick!”

    As usual, he totally missed the feeling behind the dream. I want to be listened to. It feels so good to be understood. When I give him those feeling messages, he typically says, “I understand you better than anyone in your life.” or “I DO understand you.” Then I feel all the more isolated. I say, “I feel unheard” and he typically says, “Oh, here we go. Why do you always want to start a fight, huh?? Why can’t we just love on each other?”

    I say, “I do love you. I want to love on you. I also want to feel listened to and understood.” I get nowhere so I get nowhere so I get nowhere so I get nowhere so I give up and just say I love you.

    Then I miss Ryan, who got me deeper than any human being I ever talked to.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:52pm

  84. 84: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel frustrated with myself that I forgot to bring home the power cord for the laptop. So I will have a dead battery soon. :-( I like the blog.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:54pm

  85. 85: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I like animals so much. I have a litter of three kittens, and they’re 5 weeks old. I want to play with them, but I want to rest. I need to rest. I miss Ryan. I feel emotional tonight. I feel bored, angry, frustrated, happy, silly, sad, agitated, overwhelmed, and not connected or at peace. I am going to cuddle with my dogs. I like to cuddle.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:57pm

  86. 86: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing your dream from the other thread…. That felt so deep and intimate…. But beautiful and vulnerable and authentic.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:59pm

  87. 87: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Do you think the internet will eventually make stores obsolete? Or certain types of stores?

    I want Ryan to call me tonight. I will not text him. I will not text him.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 4:59pm

  88. 88: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    Thank you and you’re welcome. I don’t know what was beautiful about it. I think it was ugly. It felt horrible. I felt no self-value in it at all. Just shame and devaluing of myself.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:00pm

  89. 89: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be on the Biggest Loser, but one time I looked into it and you have to have a certain level of fitness for all the excercise. I don’t think that’s fair, because obesity makes people not healthy. I think they ought to work with all people who want to try at the level where they are at, like to be able to do swimming instead of jogging. I can’t jog in my condition.

    Well my computer will be dead soon. I used to be on Craigslist every day. I like being addicted to the blog here much better. I know no one is perfect, but I find so much kindness and love here, and I really appreciate it. It feels good to come here when I feel lonely, and right now I feel extra lonely.

    I guess I will watch the Biggest Loser and try for a little more motivation. I wish I could get back into the weight loss mode I was in in the 80s when I lost 90 lbs. I want to be in a size 12 again so bad. :-(

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:04pm

  90. 90: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    giggle…giggle…grin ;-)

    HA! the Young Thing from eH – thinks I am “awesome!” and wants to have a date with me on Saturday.

    Yesterday, he sent me a note with a whole pile of his background and why he was attracted to my answers to the “forced” questions and was thankful that I requested to go to email. Then he asked about my background. I did it differently this time. I only said where I had lived and that I have this bucket list and sent him a few of the ones I had posted here and then did a feeling message at the end.

    Too cute! this guy, wrote how he would help me do the things on the list – each one had their own little paragraph. So funny – I think he even did research on what each one was – like he wrote stuff that he had to either know about or went and found out about. Isn’t that hilarious!!

    And then…..I think I had posted to the list that I had gotten involved with this married guy – he actually sent me a note this afternoon. This is so funny.

    And now I have Family Guy all ready to “edit” the erotica I am supposed to be writing…

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:10pm

  91. 91: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    i feel judged (not by anyone here) and i don’t really like feeling like that.

    I don’t like feeling judged especially by someone who says they love me.

    If I feel judged, do they really totally accept me?

    It doesn’t feel good to be in an intimate relationship with someone who doesn’t totally accept me or who I do not totally accept.

    I may not like everything about the person, but, unless it is a major deal breaker, I would hope that I would love a person enough that was headed towards long term commitment, that I would overlook minor things and love them, not in spite of them, but because of them.

    L

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:13pm

  92. 92: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – you can loose the weight. Start with reducing 200 cal a day and add exercise. It comes off. You can do it. Just think of the pool of men growing – you will attract MORE men. And MORE IS GOOD!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:15pm

  93. 93: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Good for you, Lizzie!! It sounds like you are doing absolutely fabulously staying in your girl energy, and having fun! They are getting in line to cater to you!!

    L

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:16pm

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    from Abraham-Hicks: “Stop trying to control the behaviour of others and control your opinion of others.” February 2010, San Francisco CA

    RECORD: my opinon of others is that they really wanna kick it with me! (was feeling lonely earlier)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:19pm

  95. 95: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    So, Young Thing is 13 years younger than me….

    POF – all the “good” hits are between 28 – 40 – they like my list…all the guys I send a little hint to, who are closer to my age, write back and then don’t do anything to keep a convo going.

    I am going to go out with Young Thing. LOL!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:19pm

  96. 96: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – try the wendi friesen hypnosis sessions for weight loss.

    I used the free 4 minute one on youtube, and I didn’t eat practically for 3 days cuz nothing was “healthy” enough that i could find, and

    i just didn’t desire anything unhealthy

    it Super works for me

    (shockingly well – lol)

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:21pm

  97. 97: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I felt touched by your dream too.

    What was beautiful was that I FELT it. I love your awful feeling feelings.

    and mine.

    and that feels like

    we’re really powerful and goddesslike

    and we get all that we want because we have compassion for all our feelings, even the weak awful ones

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:22pm

  98. 98: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am an only child and i chioose to dispell the bad feelings stereotypes about me like smoke in the wind

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:24pm

  99. 99: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I thought I wanted to just CD myself for a while, but I have a few possible worthwhile exploring guys from POF pursuing me, so I’m going to let go of my excuses not to and engage with them.

    I have to, because I’m still thinking about LD man a little too much. Haven’t had communication with him in two weeks now! This is a good thing.

    It is giving me the space to sort everything out without getting “the crazies” (from CODA-speak) as to facing head on how some of my approaches were so not-effective, in general, and how, more than likely, in this scenario, it would not have mattered WHAT I did…the guy is just not in the right space for a healthy relationship…with any one.

    I also feel a whole lot better about myself and have had some crazy amazing wonderful interactions with clients and with people I meet out and about.

    I feel happy, motivated, hopeful and have more energy.

    I’m doing an herbal cleanse and working with EFT too.

    L

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:27pm

  100. 100: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    As usual, he interrupted me and said, “There you go, now you’re talking! I’ve been telling you you need some dick!”

    [to me this is quite a common man response – they might feel uncomfortable with the icky feelings, or miss them all together, doesn’t matter…]

    ohh… that feels weird to hear… im feeling kinda bad… the dream felt really weird and icky and bad, i felt all grossed out, and unspecial… and im feeling misunderstood and sad…

    im actually feeling a lil bit angry and distant from you hearing that… and i dont want to feel that way

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:29pm

  101. 101: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    anohter video I’ve been using is the… when you’re stuck one from Wendi Friesen… also on youtube

    to visualize doing myself a task perfectly – i use Exercise,

    and yesterday i exercised TWICE! crazay

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:31pm

  102. 102: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    YAY FUN SOUNDING DATE FOR LIZZIE!!!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:33pm

  103. 103: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    82 Brenda
    That sounds a lot like LD man.
    Avoidance behavior. Very frustrating!
    Shallow, dickhead behavior haha, (sorry to be judgmental.) It’s like, who has the energy to
    deal with THAT?? Grow up, for goodness’ sake!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:38pm

  104. 104: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    OK, sorry, it’s a GREAT opportunity to practice feeling messages. Good one, Daria!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:39pm

  105. 105: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    For hypnosis to work, it helps to repeat going into trance. Focus on the voice.

    for some reason, probably meditation and practice with Wendi Friesen’s stuff…

    I get really well hypnotized from her sessions now.

    She also has a BUNCH of her online video shows archived on stickam… tho they may not be labeled,,, the hypnosis is usually somewhre in the middle, most of the beginning is her talking.

    But this youtube ones, are really short and to the point.

    This is the one for Doing an activity Well (Exercise, cooking, for me…

    I always imagine myself exercising while smiling, and feeling really good… AND feeling accomplished and super healthy at the end

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A5TX3OaMLQ

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:41pm

  106. 106: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s the one for healthy food:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce19yiGZXGM&feature=related

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 5:48pm

  107. 107: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone, thank you for the support!!! I really appreciate it! Daria, those feeling messages for Kenny are perfecto. Thank you so much!

    My loneliness got the better of me when I was resting lying down watching the first episode of “Biggest Loser”. I felt so overwhelmed by the amount of weight I need to lose (150 lbs). I felt angry watching them force these out of shape overweight people jog a mile in order to win being on the show. F*ckers! It’s the ones who do the mile the slowest, or can’t finish at all, who need the help the most! I used to jog an 8 minute mile and walk a 12 minute mile. Now I’d do well to walk a 20 minute mile.

    So I texted Ryan. I have avoided texting him for 9 days, so for me, that’s monumental baby steps. First I texted:

    “I feel really embarrassed that I overfunctioned again. I feel sad.”

    No response for 15 min. I texted:

    “You doing ok?”

    When he didn’t respond in another 15 min, I texted him really deep, and yes, I know I was leaning forward and all that. I just get overcome sometimes. I wrote:

    “I give up. I can’t outgirl you. You win every time. I feel so lonely. I yearn for the deep intimacy we once shared. What do you think?”

    He texted, “I’ll call you in a few minutes.”

    When he called, I was too emotional to lean back and I just poured out my little heart to him, telling him how he understands me better than anyone and he is my role model for a good listener and I told him about the blog for the first time (not the location of it). I just told him I have girlfriends online and one who is local. And after I talked to him he said I’ll call you in a few days. I was out for a walk with some friends and I’m at someone’s house right now. And that’s okay. I feel happy he called me.

    I am crying now. I am just too lonely. My battery’s about to go dead. Talk to you all tomorrow.

    Love,
    Bren

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:35pm

  108. 108: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. Daria, I’ll check out those sites and thank you again and I especially appreciate your comments on my dream. I feel better about it. I kinda felt like I was spreading my legs just to share it.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:36pm

  109. 109: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I totally get what you mean, it feels very scary. For some reason i really really relate to you about this dream, i am seeing you as an expression of myself. I have those kind of visions sometimes and they feel awful, its a familiar feeling…

    i think it may even be stuff i think about when i try to touch myself, yes it is, im babystepping to healing that whatever it is

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:41pm

  110. 110: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – when I decide to lean forward, I usually try to rockstar it with this:

    ” I feel so lonely.”

    but now I shall add my version this… i LOVE IT..
    I yearn for the deep intimacy we once shared. What do you think?”

    well maybe after he replies.. i dono… fEELS SCARY!!!

    whoa those are my real feelings!

    “i miss feeling close to you”

    “i yearn to feel close to you”

    i don’t dare use the word yearn, haha!1 watch me use it

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:44pm

  111. 111: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg, I just did the hypnosis, imagining myself as dedicating this task as homage to Goddess Daria (I felt HER) and SMILING, and her talent is she can shape her body as she wants, and after drinking protein shake CHEEESING smiling and feeling honoring!

    and I FEEL SO EXCITTED TO DO MY WORKOUT NOW!!!

    i was feeling blah before

    omg

    i gotta go do this NOW!!!

    now!!!

    wow!!!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 6:52pm

  112. 112: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – before listening to the hypnosis though,

    I think what kicked it in to actually work for me so much stronger than before, is doing these two (short) EFT youtube videos.

    on Resistance to change

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BNgfagvl7M

    on loving my self sabotager (crying a lot, so healing feeling to me)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QejV7K3iYo

    Just awesome stuff that WORKS for me Really Works!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 7:00pm

  113. 113: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – before listening to the hypnosis though,

    I think what kicked it in to actually work for me so much stronger than before, is doing these two (short) EFT youtube videos.

    on Resistance to change

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BNgfagvl7M

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 7:00pm

  114. 114: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    and

    on loving my self sabotager (crying a lot, so healing feeling to me)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QejV7K3iYo

    Just awesome stuff that WORKS for me Really Works!

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 7:01pm

  115. 115: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feel I’m totally wierd.
    Last night I messaged judo man..I needed the link for the instruction manual, I couldn’t find the document anywere.
    I swear the full moon is making my brain into mush. Equinox is the worst.
    My hormones are all over the place. I nearly jumped some poor bugger at walmart.
    I told him I needed to review it but my poor brain is mush.
    He messages me back and says…here’s the link, you must need some pot..or an orgasm.
    DUDE!!!!
    you can’t just say things like that to me!!!
    So I said…LOL I did nearly jump a guy in walmart.
    Then I told him I was going to get in the tub and see about that orgasm.
    then signed off
    So tonight at judo…he taught me all the stuff he was supposed to …….and that’s all. No extra touching. LOL
    Does little man not like to play with the big girls?
    But I feel wierd cause I noticed that he was sort of attaching to a new girl. Small and blonde of course.
    I kept waiting to feel jealous or annoyed. But I just felt amused.
    Like really…you can’t handle playing with the grown ups but the young ones make you feel like yer in charge?
    At the end of class he offered tohelp me get my hair tie out of my hair ……….
    I froze up…
    wierd.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 7:09pm

  116. 116: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I feel wierd cause I DIDNT get annoyed.
    I feel wierd cause I froze up.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 7:17pm

  117. 117: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I think for most people who have a lot of weight to lose, it is not simply a matter of eat less, exercise more. That works, of course, but it fails to address the emotional component. The urge to eat, or overeat, is so strong, and it is not rational. There’s a book, and a related website, Shrink Yourself, that addresses these deeper issues of compulsive emotional eating. Maybe you’ll find it helpful. You are beautiful, as you are now, and you will be beautiful when you lose weight. But your worth and value is entirely independent of your weight.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 11:25pm

  118. 118: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    something i noticed from 74. I know its about your brother, yet it would help with men in general

    “I texted my brother to keep myself from texting Ryan. Normally we text silly stuff, word play. Tonight after some word play, I threw in some feeling messages. He got real quiet, so after about 10 minutes, I texted, “TMI?”

    He wrote back, “Three Mile Island?”

    He was avoiding intimacy. I texted, “Are you scared?” No response. Ha! He’s not used to feeling messages from me too much.

    HE WAS AVOIDING INTIMACY — I’ve found that making such assumptions as to why a man is doing something, no matter how “right” I think I am, is actually ME avoiding my feelings, and instead being in his business

    this CHANGES THE ENERGY of the exchange….

    asking a man, “Are you scared?” comes from this conclusion and has at this point lost the respect for his masculine

    what’s helped me is to notice when im making a conclusion about what’s going on with him “he’s insecure.” ‘he’s avoiding intimacy” “he’s a jerk” “he doesn’t care about me”

    and gently take my attention to my feelings…

    i feel amused, i feel unheard, im feeling kinda embarassed now…

    etc.

    Tuesday, 21 September 2010 @ 11:50pm

  119. 119: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow! i just did the hypnosis for stuckness AND

    i just did my second exercise routine for the day!

    yah!!

    i rock so hard

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 12:32am

  120. 120: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Lakshmi…
    your “voice” is so familiar. Do you live in Canada?

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:53am

  121. 121: SunflowerNo Gravatar says:

    Thankyou Daria, maybe now I am on the most recent thread. Feel like saying a hi to everyone, and reading…

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 5:00am

  122. 122: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    Geneen Roth’s books are good too, the latest is
    Women, Food and God.

    L

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:25am

  123. 123: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Speak of the devil, LD man texted me last night with a photo. I felt surprised. Could be because he feels several other guys swarming around.

    Exchanged a few lighthearted texts back and forth and then I said it was time for me to go to sleep. He ended with an “I miss you”. I didn’t lean forward. Instead i wrote, “Why wouldn’t you?” (subtext: i’m such a goddess, you would be a fool not to miss me! haha!) and that was it.

    I feel in-control un-attachment now

    I feel much less attached to an outcome in this anymore

    i don’t feel much substance there anyway, the fantasy has lessened considerably

    I am creating the space to let in the man who truly wants to step up and be with only me, and needs me because he loves me, not loves me because he needs me,

    I felt happy inside to hear from him, but not that immediate impulse to want to throw him in a cage and yell “mine”!

    I feel the air is somewhat cleared, like, no animosity.
    This is good. It’s just neutral.

    I feel very contented with myself and my life and what is going on in it, challenges and all.

    I am going to find the means to go back to school and focus on taking care of myself and not having to depend on anybody

    Everything is a wonderful reflection of God and my Self

    Today I am going to start my list of 100 things that I like and I am going to complete it by the end of the week.

    Thank you

    L

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:46am

  124. 124: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, #116 –

    “I’ve found that making such assumptions as to why a man is doing something, no matter how ‘right’ I think I am, is actually ME avoiding my feelings, and instead being in his business”

    this really struck home for me. I didn’t realize until I read that that it is something I’ve been doing. Not TELLING him anything, but – like I said earlier – it’s in my vibe.

    So thank you for that gentle reminder. It’s all a mirror that boomerangs back on me. (as Erika wrote in another thread).

    Hmmm, I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel angry – at myself mostly – for not being able to sustain a healthy adult romantic relationship. I feel curious about how to do that. I feel afraid that I will NEVER get it right and that time to have children will run out for me. I feel hopeful that God will step in a provide justice here – (from Erika’s other thread re Course in Miracles). I realize that I’ve been trying to do this all myself, and I’ve failed. The cycle has kept repeating itself, and every time it repeats, I feel more worn down than before.

    I feel afraid that I don’t have enough hope and a close enough connection with God for Him to provide me with a miracle.

    I feel untrusting that I have to be anything more than I already am in order to get the romantic area of my life in balance.

    I feel happy that I’m only working a half day today so that I can take some time to take care of other things in my life.

    I feel grateful for this blog and all the women (and men) here.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 8:58am

  125. 125: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Jennifer, I actually live in CA, but my mom grew up in Canada, so maybe I picked up some of her “voice.”

    It’s so great to be able to connect with women from all over the world here!

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 9:42am

  126. 126: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Siena,

    You are right on about being attuned to MY feelings and stating MY feelings. It probably would have had a more positive outcome. The way I did it, he probably felt attacked.

    But this is my brother we’re talking about, who I’ve known for 46 years…chuckle! So no harm done! Totally practice for me! He’s a good sport! And, he knows his sister is quite emotional! :-)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 9:57am

  127. 127: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone who gave me feedback! I really appreciate it! I will definitely look into the links, etc. you shared. And I totally believe overeating is fundamentally an emotional issue, not physical. You deal with the emotional, and the physical will fall into place. Altho I really do like food! :-) But I think that is because it has felt like a friend during the many times in my life when I’ve felt lonely or like I couldn’t depend on a loved one.

    So I think my solution is building solid in-person relationships. Along with the emotional healing I am already in process with. When I was with Ryan, I dropped about 3 lbs a week. It was pretty simple. I was about Ryan. Food meant little to me.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:01am

  128. 128: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel concerned that I told Ryan I have made friends on a blog. He has a way of finding things out. :-) And all thru our relationship, he was finely attuned to who I was spending time with and on the phone with. IF he’s still interested in me, now he will try to find out the name of the blog, and I don’t want him to.

    When he asks me if I have friends or who I am hanging out with, in the future, how is the best way to respond? I think the immediate thing that prompted him to ask was when I said I feel so lonely.

    You are such a unique group of people, and I value you. I tried to talk with a girlfriend at work about relationships yesterday, and she felt like a wall. She poo-phooed the feminine energy idea of leaning back, saying in today’s society things have changed. I was simply trying to explain it to her and I felt cut off. And that’s okay. I mean, not everyone is at the same place. But I mention that because, even tho I think in person relationships are needed to feel connected on the planet, I gravitate to you all because I feel we are in a mutual space emotionally, and I love to learn from and interact with you all! It is something I just don’t have in most of my every day world. The exception to that, of course, is Lucy! Because she lives nearby! Thank God for Lucy! :-)

    I love you all!
    Brenda

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:06am

  129. 129: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, another thing Ryan always asks in conjunction with who I am hanging out with is, “What do you talk about?”

    When he asked that last night, I told him, “Mostly inner healing, personal growth, self-discovery, how to have positive, healthy relationships…”

    I failed to tell him most of us are here to discover the best way to have the penis you want! LOL!:-) Just kidding!

    I feel scared to let him know too much about me, even tho I spilled the beans last night in my loneliness. Because in the past, he used my most personal feelings against me and more than broke my heart…he f*cked my heart and turned it into ribbons.

    I believe Ryan minus schizophrenia is a very gentle, awesome, caring, considerate, respectful man. That is the man I am still in love with.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:10am

  130. 130: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Any suggestions what I can say for damage control to my brother? Should I just return to word play texts and drop it, getting a fresh start?

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:14am

  131. 131: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I just wanted to share how much sharing feeling messages has brought Blondie and I closer the past couple of days…

    We were txting yesterday and I don’t know how I got on the topic but I started talking about me sharing my feelings and how I’m getting better at it because I’ve realized that holding them back doesn’t help your relationships.

    I went into how when men first meet me, they assume I’m perfect because most of them find me very attractive physically, but the put me on a pedestal and then I feel pressure to remain “perfect” and stay on that pedestal and that has kept me from letting anyone grow close to me in a long time. I told him I had done that with him at the beginning as well because he was absolutely blown away by me when we met (so much so that he all he could mutter was, “Wow…I need to catch my breathe”) and that I was too busy keeping my pedestal in place to really get to know him until last weekend, when I accidentally got stupid drunk and he took care of me and took me home. (I feel really embarrassed to share this with you all, but it’s my honest experience).

    In any event, he told me that he was flattered that I felt comfortable enough with him to share all that with him and that this was as much of a turn on for him as holding me or kissing me was! Now, this is obviously someone who’s really into me and wants a real relationship…I think if I’d shared all that with some other man who didn’t really want a relationship with me, he wouldn’t have reacted as positively, but then again, that would tell me it was time to “fold ‘em” (reference to an earlier post referencing Evan’s recent blog post), and that would be of some benefit as well, right?

    So my take away is that with the wrong guy, feeling messages may not work very well, but with the right guy, they’ll bring you much closer and absolutely draw him to you.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:22am

  132. 132: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    That’s fantastic! I feel so happy for you! Good job with the feeling messages! :-)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:54am

  133. 133: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Man,

    You’re not the source of my pain. You have come here to heal me. You have come here to help me reassess pass wounds.

    I do not own you. I do not want to be possessive. I do not want to be jealous.

    I like to be free to feel whatever it is that I am feeling. I love to be marvelled at my own capacity to feel something intensely.

    I am merely expressing myself, and that does not mean I am asking something for you. My jealousy is mine, and my own to deal with. It is not a request for you to do anything. Even though it is not a pleasant feeling, I am not going to stop feeling it just because you ask me to.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 11:36am

  134. 134: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    RE: #113 – “He messages me back and says…here’s the link, you must need some pot..or an orgasm.”

    Do you think he was “feeling” you out…to see if you were personally interested in him? Or has that already been established. Maybe he was hoping you would flirt back and ask him to provide you those things. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 12:39pm

  135. 135: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jason – #60 –

    What do you think of this?

    A guy that sometimes texts me said he accidentally hit the “call” button (I didn’t answer it and I have never talked to him on the phone or met him in person — and don’t really want to…). Then he texted me this:

    “I am too chicken to call you. I find you attractive and am apt to think you can probably do better. ;) Not a lack of confidence just an overwhelming sense of reality.”

    What do you think?

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 12:39pm

  136. 136: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lakshmi,

    RE: #115 – I am on the shrink yourself website, and it is the most relevant thing I’ve seen on weight loss in a long time. Thanks again!

    I know exactly what to eat and not eat to lose weight. But that doesn’t change my behavior. This will! :-)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:06pm

  137. 137: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Life is too short,

    RE: #120 – Women Food and God looks excellent too! I am glad people are finally seeing it’s an emotional issue. Thanks again!

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:13pm

  138. 138: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, the thing that really cured me of emotional eating was to STOP — hard as it was every time, like pulling the reins of a horse that really wants to run — and then FEEL my feelings, whatever they were at the moment — pain, grief, fear, etc. Michael Brown’s book, The Presence Process, helped me a lot with this, as did TN man’s continual encouragement to “feel it to heal it” and “what you resist persists.”

    Michael Brown calls overeating and other addictions, “sedating and controlling” behaviors — ways to sedate and control our feelings so that we don’t have to feel them as intensely.

    I love you and am so proud of you!

    <3
    Lucy

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:23pm

  139. 139: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda 86…

    No I don’t think the internet will EVER make stores obsolete, because shopping is just too much fun!
    Sure, internet shopping can be fun too, but you always have to wait for the stuff to arrive, which is just not the same as wanting something and holding it in your hand straight away.

    Then there’s the physical, sensual side… It’s just nicer to see the dress, touch the fabric, try on the shoes, smell the leather, leaf through the book before you decide to buy it… I could go on. And that’s just the merchandise… then there’s the atmosphere of the store itself. I love Amazon, but it’s nothing like an old-fashioned bookstore where you can browse at leisure. Here in France they often are bookshops and cafes at the same time, which is even better. Then there are altogether gorgeous fashion boutiques and lingerie places (I’m thinking of Agent Provocateur…)….

    Last not least, you meet real people in real stores. You can discuss what you like and need with the assistant, exchange ideas… and even meet real men.

    So, the internet will never make stores obsolete. It’s a bit like masturbation and “real sex”…. It’s fun, it’s convenient and it has its place, but it’s not a replacement for the real thing….

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:37pm

  140. 140: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – either don’t answer (he might call you later)

    or say,,, oh… i feel confused.. this feels weird.. i don’t really feel good with men that don’t take the lead…

    what do you think?

    ps – (my guess is that you’ll quickly find out he was right)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:55pm

  141. 141: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – the hypnosis video really helped me with the emotional stuff… its like it took the craving away.. hope it works as well for you too

    i’ve been using it exercise daily now, and i used to dread that

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:57pm

  142. 142: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been hanging out in my boy energy, myself, but my LI has been stepping up to actively address my girl energy by taking care of me while I take care of the whole world around me.

    It’s been worth it. Been all over the news today. It was funny…I woke up late and didn’t have time to put on makeup, but I look GREAT in the photos today. Best pictures yet in my extensive experience.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 1:59pm

  143. 143: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    What’s been all over the news?

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:05pm

  144. 144: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, a local medical marijuana grower who is protected under state constitutional law is being prosecuted at the federal level and is facing a minimum of 60 years.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:24pm

  145. 145: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    giggle giggle….Max (the married guy I had a thing with at the beginning of the year) has sent me a note. I get the feeling that he is checking the temperature to see if I might see him again. LOL. Oh, I would be such a rock star. He was one awesome lover. Hmmmm, yummy….we shall see. I am responding to his little notes with little feeling messages, and haven’t leaned in and asked him if he would like to get together to see if we might re-connect. I am having fun with this one.

    And my Young Guy is seriously stepping up! wholllllllyy!!! He is out of town and researching where to take me out to brunch – only asked what part of the city I live in. I am so proud of myself – I only answered and didn’t lean in and make any suggestions.

    And! even better…today in a conference I was triggered by one of the presenters – I recognized it, labeled it, let it sit, opened myself to it being a different perspective, relaxed from it, and was able to stay listening. Before – I would have engaged in a discussion.

    I feel proud of myself!
    I feel energized.
    I feel pleasantly happy.
    I feel love for me.

    I am off for a little walk-run. And I am happy about that because I hurt my knee really badly at the beginning of the summer and had to turn my daily 5K (that is 2.5 miles) runs into a walk :-( and now I am just beginning to test that knee and seem to be ok! – I actually ran 500m (about a quarter mile) before searing pain yesterday – yippee! :-)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:29pm

  146. 146: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothy – you just keep advocating! go girl!!! I have projects in the HIV and MS communities – they live on it. I am on your side.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:31pm

  147. 147: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I can totally feel your awesome vibes. I feel good!

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:31pm

  148. 148: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry Dorothea – I got carried away in my excitement for you and spelled your name incorrectly – please excuse me.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:32pm

  149. 149: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Dorothea!
    At lunch one of the other presenters at this conference said I had a really good vibe and she appreciated my energy in the room – and I was sitting in the back corner. Wow!

    Dorothea – I really hope your project works – it will probably make the international news here if it does. May the angels smile on you.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:36pm

  150. 150: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you. I believe it’s going to go great. Whenever I do this sort of thing, it always does:) It’ll be my one last contribution as a paid staffer here. It sounds like you fight the good fight too! <3

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 2:40pm

  151. 151: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dorothea – I wanna see the pix!!! where? you go girl that’s IS AMAZING….and kind of scary news, too…

    @ Brenda, Jonathon said don’t get fat, too….wth? so I’m wondering if it’s all about don’t DEVOLVE….maybe if you are already heavy when you meet them it is okay? There was a fat lady who was unemployed featured on laid off older workers can’t get jobs back….and all the comments were on her being fat, not old. that is so wrong, and btw, if you’re POOR, you’re likely fat – eating fresh is a huge financial challenge, and organic? puhleeze…

    I feel happy people are discussing it with you….

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:02pm

  152. 152: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Daria, did you answer my post about what it feels like to be called out by a man on your weight? or why anyone thinks they have the right to call you out on your body/appearance? and if your mom had been through menopause?

    that would be helpful, to know more about the menopause thing….

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:04pm

  153. 153: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps. Brenda, I so felt you last night – that was awful, and the biggest looser? only like 2 of them have stayed slim – they were actually going to offer a prize for people keeping it off once they got it off last time I read….

    you just be proud of you, okay? I am!!!

    hugs,
    J

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:05pm

  154. 154: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda. #132.
    I was so stunned I didn’t think of that at the time. It’s already been established that I have a huge crush on him and I don’t think I could be casual about sleeping with him.
    I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s doing it (the orgasm talk, the extra touching etc) to push my buttons cause it makes him feel powerful. Maybe that’s my mirror..I assume men aren’t interested in my generally, certainly not overtly sexually.
    I wish that would go away.
    I feel triggered.
    I feel invisible saying that. I like I’m wall paper.
    I feel sad saying that.
    I feel heavy in my chest saying that.
    Men aren’t interested in me generally, certainly not overtly sexually….where did you come from little thought?
    Maybe if I’m the only woman in the room?
    Cause I certainly cant’ “compete” with other women?
    Gawd i feel sick of feeling like shit all the time.
    I feel annoyed.
    Logical NV says “but that’s been your experience….remember the guy who asked where the pretty girl was?”
    Booo Hisss.
    I’m tired of logical NV. Be quiet, you. Shut it.
    I feel afraid of what would happen if I asked him to provide those things.
    Like he’s feigning intrest in me as some sort of cruel joke.
    I feel deflated.
    Is deflated a feeling?
    This sucks.
    I’m gonna dance with my nephew.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  155. 155: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, thanks. The thing that hit me more was the idea of doing “better.”

    “I am too chicken to call you. I find you attractive and am apt to think you can probably do better. Not a lack of confidence just an overwhelming sense of reality.”

    I guess it hit me because, since the HBR call, I’ve been more aware of how I often unconsciously put men into categories of “not good enough for me” or “too good for me” (very few in that significant category). And I want to get away from that.

    So I answered him, “I feel kinda sad reading that. To me there is no ‘better’ — just a matter of who seems to be a good match overall.”

    (and in my mind, he and I are not a good match.)

    He answered, “Then I’ll put that aside cause I think you are a good match. So far. I’ve had fun chatting with you.”

    Uh-oh. I don’t think we’re a good match. I didn’t respond.

    So he texts, ” The disappearing girl trick. By Lucy wutzername.”

    Hehe. I feel kinda bad. (Guilty?)

    I think I feel guilty a lot. Maybe sometimes it is deserved. Brenda said I am a natural flirt (or something to that effect).

    And it seems I “lead men on” without trying to.

    I want to be safe for men.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:11pm

  156. 156: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    60 YEARS?!?! They need to get a clue. That’s insane.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:14pm

  157. 157: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie,

    RE: #143 – 5K is 3.2 miles.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:16pm

  158. 158: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    And 15K is 9.3 miles. I ran that two years in a row in 1992-1993 at the Tulsa Run. I was in the best shape of my life. Now I’m in the worst shape.

    I read the intro and ending of Women Food and God and it was excellent! I’m going to get a copy!

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:24pm

  159. 159: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah. i know people who were raped, molested as children, robbed at gun point, or lost a loved one to a drug someone sold them that killed them, and NONE of their victimizers faced 60 years in federal prison.

    i attended the motions hearing this morning, and the US attorneys made it very clear that they have a great deal of contempt for medical marijuana and the majority of voters who amended it into our state constitution. They kept saying it has no medical value. Tell that to the AIDS and cancer patients, war survivors, and formerly opiate dependent pain patients who rely on medical marijuana just to get through the day.

    Thanks to everyone for asking and commenting about what I worked on today:) I would like to leave it there because I don’t want to soapbox on siren island too much.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:24pm

  160. 160: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Jennifer))),

    Hugs to you! Sink into the negative feelings…and I hope you can open yourself up to receive his attention…

    Brenda

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:25pm

  161. 161: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Meh…
    Why? I know right now he doesn’t wanna keep me.
    To practice on?
    I’m too scared to practice.
    I feel stuck
    I feel behind the brick wall
    Boo
    I feel scratchy (which is what I call call it when I’m spoiling for a fight cause I really wanna do it.)
    I feel tense in my back.
    I feel swollen all over.
    I feel sore in my legs.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:33pm

  162. 162: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea! I think you are so cool! Carry on campaigning!

    60 years for growing grass?!!! Hmmm… the Land of the Free….

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 3:48pm

  163. 163: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – is it???? Oh! how wonderful – I am going farther than I thought :-) I am so thrilled, my knee lasted 800m tonight at a nice slow speed -then I walked the rest. I also do stairs – but I can only go up not down. I live at the foot of a cliff and there are 119 stairs to the top. When my knee worked, I would do the stairs 5 times – oh wow talk about a lung exploding experience. now I do once up, then the reservoir stairs – another 48, and then 5X 800m – then into the “village” for a Starbucks and a 1km walk home. Takes 90 min. Love it.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 4:21pm

  164. 164: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered sad jealous hearing about women with time to run. All I do is work work work

    Soon, however, I will not have to work all of the time!

    I feel terrified that I will find something else to fill my time that won’t leave healthy me time still.

    I feel really f*cking scared right now ahhhhhhh

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 5:10pm

  165. 165: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, we all go through phases. On average I work between 60 and 85 hours a week, every week. I am a solo single mom and self employed (my whole working life). I work the way I do because:
    1) I love what I do
    2) I get to create stuff that other people feel is as important as I feel
    3) I am frightfully broke and need to continue to make tracks on the debt load I carry and as the debt is getting into the kind of numbers most humans find somewhat manageable, my stress level is shifting – yeah!!!
    4) I have goals – I need to be able to provide for my kids – one is a competitive swimmer and she actually has potential as well both kids have “issues” so I need to provide additional supports for them to be the fabulous young people they are; I would like to be out of debt so that I might qualify for a mortgage; and I am old so I need to be able to provide for my living a long inspired life.
    5) I live with a level of stress that would knock any normal human into a grave
    6) my kids in no way feel neglected

    I have been accused so many times of being a workaholic ; unbalanced; insane; etc etc. some people have actually been mean about it. Men who come into my life think I am completely nuts and become angry. It triggers upsetting feelings in me. I feel so judged and un-accepted and so terribly misunderstood. Like WTF! who is going to pay off the debt?? who is going to provide for my kids???? who is going to hold it all??? not them. And I have stuff to invent, a world to change, a life to hold precious! Like come on!! I have potential!!

    So this is the way I look at it – it is all about balance. Sometimes I need to give a great deal in one area of my life and the others are in holding pattern. When the area of focus is in manageable space, I shift my focus to another area. It is all in the ebb and flow. Everything gets attended to, it just might not look like what everyone else is doing, but it works for me and the people who are important to me either help or understand what I am up to.

    Since I have kids, my health has a “reason”. Even when I am speeding on the highway, I pay attention and slow down because my kids can’t afford to loose me. We can metaphor that quite easily: On the highway of my life, on a straight away, I might speed it up a bit, then I have a little snap-to! and realize that I need to slow down a bit and enjoy the ride.

    Keep in mind that the body and soul can not do all-nighters too many nights in a row, you will collapse. So plan it out, know what is ahead in terms of the demands, plan to double that, and build in self-care along the way. Give yourself permission to self-care.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 5:52pm

  166. 166: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – actually flirting is a gift to men. if i were u i would immediatel look at the “sometimes i deserve it belief” and give myself lots of hugs and do ask and receive on this belief

    repeat out loud.

    a part of my being already knows that i no longer need to believe that sometimes i deserve to feel guilty

    breath.

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so with grace and ease

    my mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:01pm

  167. 167: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – I don’t really want to answer those questions …

    i feel a bit weird

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:07pm

  168. 168: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so tired from working all day :) yeah thats what i did lol.

    Dorothea, I believe pot needs to be free :) I dont smoke it but yeah if it works for some.

    A man is flirting with me :) oooooooh. he is drawn to my super siren feminine energy :) he touched my hand ok maybe it was an accident but yeah he touched it.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:15pm

  169. 169: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Cool, Daria, no problem. Lizzie!! you are a super siren who does stairs, men and children. Wow, you go – my knees have just not quit hurting since I fell on them – what 2 years ago? I do 2 miles 2x a week and a one hour workout – which I thought was good.

    Brenda, that is amazing that you did that, and you know just start small, and feel better tonite, okay? I lost 65 pounds once and just doing 30 minutes of exercise was a big deal! Now, I’ve done 30+ minutes 3x/week for 23 years! Not to be skinny, but because I love the feeling of it. I love moving my body!

    Everyone have a great day –

    Dorothea I am still very proud of you and the work you do!

    Take care all,
    Jacqueline

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:42pm

  170. 170: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    thx daria. i did what you suggested. i feel kinda confused about men getting angry when they find out i’m not as into them as they thought i was and in their words was being a “tease.”

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:44pm

  171. 171: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps…I wrote about eft, tft and emdr….on blog today; if anyone wants to write about what Erika’s work felt like and compare that would be great, or just know more about where it came from.

    Nite, all….

    J

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 6:48pm

  172. 172: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I agree daria – flirting is a gift to men. It inspires them, helps them feel good about who they are, gives them a blast of positive energy, makes them feel valued as a human. Flirting is wonderfully life giving. And I feel wonderful giving this to men

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:08pm

  173. 173: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like emailing him. I feel like saying.
    I’m not coming to class tomorrow. I feel on edge, I feel pagan.
    I feel hypersenstized. I cannot guarantee my civilized behavour. Someone is gonna get molested.
    I feel like I’m gonna explode.
    Those two things you said would help? I’ll take both.
    My brain is fried.
    I feel no thinking.
    I feel too many nerve endings.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:13pm

  174. 174: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jenn – wow this guy must be one serious hottie! pretty powerful effect…

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:15pm

  175. 175: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    How do you feel towards Judo man? Can you be soft and unzip your heart around him? Can you behave? :-)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:15pm

  176. 176: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    feel towards him?
    lust.
    I feel too many nerve endings. Friggin Equinox.
    I feel outta control.
    Soft? Dunno….
    Behave? Probably not.
    I was born red headed.
    Feel mistrustful.
    Can’t think
    Can’t reason.
    Can’t predict
    Can’t control.
    Boo

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:21pm

  177. 177: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “i feel kinda confused about men getting angry when they find out i’m not as into them as they thought i was and in their words was being a “tease.””

    Lucy – how does it feel to be called a tease? i personally feel triggered by this word and i don’t like it.

    is calling me a tease a behavior i want from a man? UMM NO

    so i can just reject it…

    “ohhh… that feels really weird and awful … im feeling really furious”

    (otherwise you’d have to have sex with every man who wants to, and well… thats not practical)

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:27pm

  178. 178: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – i would just lean back and practice smiling at him and holding eye contact, and paying attention to MY feelings … as i get the “i’m gonna pass out from my intense attraction feeling” when i’m around him

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:29pm

  179. 179: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria…
    I don’t understand.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:40pm

  180. 180: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    oh wait.
    Just focus on the feelings of intense attraction?
    I can’t do that and hold eye contact.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 7:45pm

  181. 181: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, i told this guy it feels bad being called a tease … but i guess it made me question my behavior – b/c other guys have had similar reactions. i thought we were just flirting and having fun but they get mad when i won’t go out with them or want to stop the fun…so then i feel bad about flirting – they seem to take it as a promise of more to come…. and then i feel like i musta done something wrong…

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 8:00pm

  182. 182: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – start with just eye contact and smiling, and periodically FEEL on your inner tummy with your minds attention – well thats what i do

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 8:28pm

  183. 183: kimNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,

    I have one question. If you have not heard from a man for more than three weeks, how would you go about contacting a man in order to use the tools you give on him.

    Thank you,

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 9:21pm

  184. 184: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I did it! i worked out again! thanks to the hypnosis…

    i was soooo not feeling like starting earlier…

    wow….

    my life is gonna change with this hynosis thingy
    big time

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 9:31pm

  185. 185: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda MacIntyre – Medicine Song Woman:

    When you talk to friends and colleagues today, listen to your own voice with love and gratitude.

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:05pm

  186. 186: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh i feel so good… i did another hypnosis, about my favorite thing about myself…

    guess what it was my commitment to loving myself

    i saw myself smiling happy, consistently hugging the lil parts of myself, like bunnies and lil bears

    and interacting with people

    feeling blisss,

    like its just me receiving reciving

    ohh it felt lovelg

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:27pm

  187. 187: healyNo Gravatar says:

    Good for you, Lizzie!! It sounds like you are doing absolutely fabulously staying in your girl energy, and having fun! They are getting in line to cater to you!!

    Wednesday, 22 September 2010 @ 10:52pm

  188. 188: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very confused.

    There is this guy who I have gone on date since January. We were not dating exclusively but neither of us explicitly mentioned dating or not dating someone else.

    I told him I loved him and I pointed out that we had been spending a lot of time alone together. I also pointed out that I liked how he reacted when I talked or smiled to any other man. He seemed protective of me and a good kind of jealous when that happened.

    But he said I was not the only girl he was dating. And it’s ok, because I’m circular dating too.

    The problem is that he’s making me compete against this other girl or any other potential girls he may be going out with. He’s telling me that he likes this other girl more than he likes me. He says that he is sexually attracted to her. And he mentioned that he likes her because she’s more “european” than me.

    Then, despite saying that, he went and looked for me at my office the week after that. He talked about something he had acquired and wanted me to see, and that he had pictures, and asked if he had shown the pictures before, and I said no. Then he said he would send it to me.

    Only that, when opening the mail where those pictures were supposed to be, I found out he had sent me a picture of him with the other girl instead. He was there while I opened it. He swore it was a mistake.

    I said “Isn’t that enough? Why did you want me to see that? Do you really have to come here, to my workplace, to humiliate me? You don’t need to push me away like that. I get it. You’ve got someone else. Now leave me alone.”

    The problem is that he won’t leave me alone. I don’t want someone who wants someone else. I don’t like that he’s making me feel like I need to be better than this girl. (And, by the way, I feel more classy and refined than the girl in the picture, and I find his assessment of her race to be totally wrong.) But I think it’s petty of him to do things like that, whether or not he meant to make “a mistake”.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:47am

  189. 189: JackieNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    that guy sounds as if he needs you to be on edge and worried, sounds like he’s playing games, and cruel games, trying to make you feel less than.

    I have been with a man 8 years, we have lived togeather for 3 months. I feel I must have pushed him into it, although he made his own decision, becouse he knew he would loose me, as I wanted a secure long lasting relationship….thats not what Ive got. I know he wants to leave, he hasnt said so, as he doest want to be the bad guy, but brings problems to the relationship, he hasnt spoken to me for 4 days over a small incedent. Im trying to lean back and be open but finding it difficult. He has to give up his flat next month and I feel he’s looking for any excuse not to. I feel awful, i know I should confrunt/talk, say how I feel, but Im scared becouse I start a new job in 4 weeks, I have no money, having just been in uni for 3 years and Im scared ill loose my house and not be able to make it untill I get paid, I feel like a prostitute. I feel so angry with him and myself, Ive been clinging on financialy for months and can see the end game, Ive got to get there for myself and my daughter. I feel so angry with myself for putting up with his bad treatment becouse at this time I am financialy powerless. Ive loved this man for so long and I dont know what I feel about him anymore

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:20am

  190. 190: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Eye Contact…smiling. This is my focus. You can DO it.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:39am

  191. 191: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2010/09/22/Equinox-to-be-marked-by-full-moon/UPI-40571285191734/

    This is what I’m blaming my brain fog on…..it wasnt’ so hot in 1991 either.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:58am

  192. 192: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I am not getting this……..if you meet a guy online or offline who promises so much and delivers so little, is this about HIM or about YOU and what you attract?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:01am

  193. 193: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    And PLEASE don’t be so dismissive to those of us who live such insular not able to meet eligible men in our everyday lives………well ya know Internet dating isn’t about desperate women, it’s just another avenue for those of us unable to find another way, not all of us are confident enough or young enough to rock up to bars/restaurants/nightclubs on are ownesome……….

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:55am

  194. 194: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    And I FEEL a bit pissed off here that some people think they are so freaking high and mighty that they are like………no no no, I will not do the Internet dating thing and like they are looking down at us that do……….well maybe we don’t all have the opportunities that others do to meet new people and this is just another avenue………..

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:00am

  195. 195: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    OK doing a very brave Daria thing here for me……..

    I feel angry that some people, OK I will say Ericka and that is HUGE for me, would be sooo effing dismissive of people on Internet dating sites………..like we are somehow inferior to her

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:05am

  196. 196: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Erica, maybe you are lucky and you have all kinds of avenues and ways of meeting people, I saw one of your EFT youtubes you are probably younger than my kids, say under 38, so don’t take this wrong……………we all have to do what we have to do………..if you are meeting and greeting LOTS of eligible men on a daily basis that is fantastic……but not everybody is doing that, and I do FEEL you are being very dismissive of people who are looking to find love online, maybe we will never find it, and hey I know of at least 3 couples who found marriage online so hey lets not be so dismissive of it………..horses for courses……….

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:13am

  197. 197: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Barb!

    I’ll just respond from my perspective. I’ve done a lot of online dating and found few quality men. I think it is entirely possible to meet a quality man thru the internet. I have done a lot of online dating, and my experience has been that the more you have to pay for a dating site, and the better a reputation it has, the better chance there is for quality men to be on there. But we are quality women and we are on there, so that proves it’s possible to meet quality men!

    I myself have just about given up on it. My biggest issue has been one scammer after another preying on me. They post phoney pictures and tell lies, and when you get to know them, they make up stories about needing money. And most of them are really in Africa, not where they claim to be.

    I wish you the best!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:43am

  198. 198: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear full moon and immediately imminent menstruation.
    What the f*ck, mang.

    I want to riff about how I feel before I get started with work today, to kind of clear my emotional platter, but I feel numb to my feelings. I let some tears gently run out of my eyes today for about 10 or 15 seconds.

    On one hand, I feel good that this month’s onslaught of pre menstrual hormones has not been as hardcore as months past. No anxiety or panic attacks. Only 1 episode of temperfreakout. Huge improvement.

    At the same time, I feel lost in a fog after arriving to a brick wall and not being able to find my way around it.

    I feel weird that I can’t identify my feelings.

    Hm

    I guess I just feel tightened up in my thorax. What else? Ok, physical feelings. I feel heaviness in my lower body, like I have to poop (sorry for sharing). I feel grimy and crusty on my face, and damp under my arms. I feel hairy. I want to go home.

    What does wanting to go home feel like? It feels like running away to safety, except it feels like anxiety too because I know once I get home I will still be there with my thoughts and feelings, so it’s really no escape at all.

    I do not like this. Poo.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:55am

  199. 199: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling self-conscious, kind of annoyed and unmotivated…I’ve just made it 38 hours without smoking and I should be feeling really good, but instead, I’m feeling self-conscious because I sent Blondie a pic of me with bare shoulders and kind of a hammy, blow-you-a-kiss expression on my face and he hasn’t responded…I now feel I’ve overfunctioned and I’m screwing things up.

    I wasn’t sure whether it was a decent pic or not, so I sent it to an old boyfriend of mine (who incidentally, contacted me last night out of the blue just on a friendship basis) and asked him what he thought of the pic and he rated it a 4!!! Ugh!! He said I was waaaaay more attractive than that pic showed, but I have a hard time determining whether pics of me are good or bad (they all just look like me to me).

    So after I didn’t hear from Blondie for 2.5 hrs, I sent him another txt that said “Btw — that pic was just a hammy, make-u-smile-cause-I’m-being-silly pic, not a I’m-seriously-trying-to-be-sexy-pic, but still no reponse. Now I feel like such a dumba$$…it’s conceivable that he has meetings all morning and just hasn’t had a minute to check his txts, but it’s unlikely.

    To add to my self-conscious feelings, he came over to my house directly from the airport yesterday to surprise me — I hate that!!! I had dirty hair and looked like crap!!! He said I was still beutiful, but I seriously think things are heading down the toilet…and this after he insisted on meeting my parents and me meeting his.

    I don’t know how I’ve managed to screw up a relationship where the man absolutely adored me, but it’s looking like that’s what I’ve done…if he doesn’t get back with me by lunchtime, I quit. I just quit men and I’m done trying. Grrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:55am

  200. 200: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    dear Ragnell,

    Get clear with yourself if you really do want this guy to leave you alone or not.

    If you truly want him to leave you alone, you won’t respond to anything he says or does.

    Me and LD man were trapped in the “come here, go away” game. I didn’t care what kind of attention i was getting, i would accept any attention from him.

    That has changed drastically, thanks to the work i have been doing with Rori tools, among other things, and these blogs.

    He had also set up a competition, between me and other women, probably because when i met him i told him details about the other guy i was starting to see, and he probably saw that as me setting up a competition.

    So, that was a mirror for me.

    Anyway, my advice is to get really clear on what you truly feel and go from there.

    L

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:02am

  201. 201: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Had a convo with a guy from POF last night on the phone. It was fun and pleasant, feels like there could be the potential for a spark, i don’t know yet. am meeting him today for lunch. planning on having a good time regardless.

    My interactions with people in general have become so much more fun and rewarding, when I am focusing on just taking care of myself, not overfunctioning, leaning back.

    LD man texted another I miss this and that message right after i was done talking to the other guy. It’s like they know or something.

    L

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:07am

  202. 202: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    RENEE! Omg i have done the same thing. Sent pics to guys who were really into me but got no response.

    It will be okay though. Just lean back. Imagine that you blessed him with a gift of your beautiful self in picture form. Go about your life. Wait for him to contact you. :) What do you think?

    I quit smoking and then picked it up again in the name of stress relief.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:24am

  203. 203: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I don’t know what to think…last night (early in the evening) he told me he wanted to call me later because he had something from the internet he wanted to read me (I think it was an astrology thing) and ended up not calling after all…we msged a little back and forth, a bit about my quitting smoking, but I felt him backing off a little at that point…I had been a little irritable last night because of the smoking thing, so I thought I’d show him what a great mood I was in this morning by sending him a “blow you a kiss” pic, but his lack of reponse is so loud right now…especially when you consider all the stuff he said to me yesterday…he was all about me and our future together and all that crap and now — poof! He’s disappeared? I realize I leaned forward and I now wish I hadn’t done that, but my God, was it really enough to run him off? I swear I’m so frustrated I don’t know whether to cry or just join a convent!!!! How can someone go from liking you that much 10 hrs ago to not even writing you back when nothing major has happened?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:37am

  204. 204: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I could easily pick up smoking again this minute, but it’s been almost 39 hours, and I figure if I can make it 3 days, I’ll have it licked (that’s what I’m telling myself anyway…I’m also telling myself that if I really want to smoke this Saturday night, I can…mostly to make the “quitting” part not seem so final…if I think of just doing it “for now”, it seems much more manageable…that may make no sense to anyone else, but it’s a ninja mind trick I’m playing on myself at the moment…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:39am

  205. 205: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee: Take a deep breath sista. I feel you, and I also know how my body reacted when I quit smoking. (Can you say CRAZY?!? :-) ) Time to do some nice stuff for Renee. Take a bath, get a manicure (no more smoky hands = nice nails), whatever it is that feels good. I feel positive Blondie will get back to you. Lean back, mentally and physically.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:00am

  206. 206: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea: ditto picking up bad habits again. Quit for 7 months but this month… :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:02am

  207. 207: FeelingNo Gravatar says:

    AUGH! Renee, I just typed a LOONGG answer to you and my computer hiccuped and I lost it all!

    OK… here’s the short summary! Men process so differently. My guy will do something like what just happened to you, and I’ll feel so horrible and then find out that he was “missing me and thinking of me all day!” And I want to scream “Then why didn’t you let me know!”

    I’m learning to trust the ebb and flow … the dancing close and moving away … it’s all part of the mystery.

    You were honest and vulnerable last night about your smoking and that is brave and attractive. Now be confident in the connection that was there yesterday. You are right – it doesn’t just go away over night! Find fun and creative things to do today and give him space to miss you and wonder what you’re up to.

    Hugs! And congratulations on 39 hours! I’m so proud of you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:07am

  208. 208: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    reneeeeeee, girl we got your back!

    if it were me, i would just lean back. i don’t want you to analyze what his actions MEAN right now.

    actually, that’s a lie. if it were me i would be freaking out too. but we can pretend like i always do things right, right? hehe

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:40am

  209. 209: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling, thank you for your response, but the fact that I sent him 2 txt msgs this morning and the only word I’ve gotten back from him was a one word reply to a joke I emailed him yesterday morning is speaking volumes right now…

    It would be one thing if he just hadn’t messaged me this morning…that would be unusual, but not unheard of…the fact that he hasn’t written me back at all? No…something’s going on and it’s driving me nuts.

    I haven’t really known him (or been into him) long enough for this to really hurt (if he is blowing me off), but it definitely is a blow to my ego. More than anything, though, it’s genuinely puzzling…wtf happened?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:42am

  210. 210: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    renee, girl, with all due respect i think you are jumping to conclusions. If a week had passed and you stopped hearing from him, THAT would speak volumes. This seems a little diff to me. I like what siena says about giving him the gift of missing you.

    Also keep in mind that nicotine withdrawal and the sudden elimination of a long-established habit/routine are compounding your feelings. magnifying them times a billion.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:45am

  211. 211: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    The other part of the puzzle is why he would even respond to the stupid email joke I sent him yesterday morning at this point? He just wrote “Yes!” in response, but why even write that if he can’t be bothered to txt me back?

    Dorothea, thank you for saying you’ve got my back. I’m really thankful to have the support of the blog members right now, or I most certainly would be running across the street to the convenience store and stocking up on cigarettes!! And even though I know I need to just lean back, it feels good knowing I’m not the only one who’d be freaking out right about now…so thank you for that.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:45am

  212. 212: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — Oh, I know the nicotine withdrawel isn’t making this any easier, but who goes from being all over me 8 hrs ago to not even bothering to reply to a semi-naked pic I txted this morning? I can’t imagine that would feel good to anyone, nicotine withdrawel or not…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:48am

  213. 213: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I relate to you so well when you panic, like I used to with Ryan. He’s not going to throw away a fabulous relationship because you leaned forward a time or two! Relaxxx! Take a chill pill! :-)

    Go do something else for a little while. we-re talking about a matter of hours here, not days. That passion juice is racing thru your veins…along with feening for nicotine. You’re doing great! Quit harshing on yourself!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:52am

  214. 214: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon — Are you saying you picked up smoking again this month? What knocked you off the wagon?

    I quit once before a few years ago and did great for 6 months…I mean I truly only thought about them on rare occasions. Then I had yet another falling out with a man, and I was in a serious funk and picked up smoking “just for the day”, which led to full fledged being a smoker again by the next day:-(.

    But if you quit before, you can certainly do it again!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:52am

  215. 215: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I think I’m gonna copy my last message and read it every time I panic again in the future like that! :-) Give compassion to your weak parts!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:53am

  216. 216: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    no, it feels totally sh*tty, but it doesn’t MEAN anything. I think Rori would advise us not to read into it. How would it feel to put stock in the fact that he is usually all over you, and feeling goddessly confident that he will continue to be, rather than putting stock into the one exception right now that is making you feel insecure?

    What if we continue to characterize him as an attentive, fawning man, rather than labeling him as problematic?

    BTW I think regardless of what he may be thinking after getting your pic, leaning back is the antidote to making it “worse.” no more texting him! haha.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:57am

  217. 217: amyNo Gravatar says:

    hi, everyone! i am usually more of a reader than a commenter here, but today i need some help from you wise women, if you don’t mind….:~)

    i’ve been seeing a wonderful man (jim) for about 3 months now. it got very serious very fast…all his doing…and by that i mean, he leaned WAYYYY forward all the time and i fell for him. hard. (much to my surprise.) in short order we had met each other’s children, parents, talked about the wedding ceremony and best month for it…etc. etc.

    i could bore you all with the details of what has transpired in the last couple of weeks or so, (just little things that feel different), or i can just say that he has all of a sudden leaned WAYYYY back. i plugged in my reconnect your relationship cds yesterday and started soaking in some rori goodness and of course realized some leaning forward i was doing without really realizing it. since i thought that since marriage was oh so on the table and we were exclusive that some give and take of calls, texts, travel (we live 2 hours apart) was ok now. maybe not.

    i will say that his work life has changed dramatically in the last 2 months…he has so much responsibility for so many people in his now much larger company that he stays in work mode much more now and is always tired. thus, i have given him the benefit of the doubt when things haven’t been as sweet and cozy and wonderful as they were not so very long ago. but now, after 2 days of nothing…something is up for sure.

    i feel like i need a speech. i’m just so not sure what it should say. i love this man. and i know he loves me. and i do not want to lose him and what we have. lately it feels like a push and pull from him, which is odd because he is SUCH a leader and decision maker. waffling doesn’t suit him at all. lol!

    so what do ya’ll think? how do i handle this? what do i say to pull him back in and show him what he could lose?

    thank you thank you thank you so much in advance!!

    xoxoxo,
    ~amy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:57am

  218. 218: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    OK — he just txted me a casual “Having lunch @ restaurantname. What r u up to?” Should I even respond right now, given his lack of reponse to me this morning?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:57am

  219. 219: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    After all, both Rori and Even talk about “mirroring” and how we do what they do — if they wait 4 hours to txt us back, we wait 4 hours before we txt them back…but I don’t know…what do you think?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:58am

  220. 220: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    renee, i think he is sucking all your energy right now and it could be good to just text him later, or not even text at all, and wait for him to call.

    try leaning wayyy back and see what happens.

    i don’t want you to text him at all.

    let me be your puppet master! :P

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:02am

  221. 221: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh and that’s great that he texted you! we knew he would!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:02am

  222. 222: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Yah, Dorothea, I think you’re right…I’m not going to txt him back right now (if at all)…I’m not in a good frame of mind and he doesn’t deserve my attention at this point when he paid so little attention to me last night/this morning (which is totally out of character for him). Eff him! He can spend some time wondering what the hell I’m up to!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:08am

  223. 223: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee I hope you’re busy on the phone with someone or something and not texting him instead of posting here.

    or running across the street

    i wish i could sit there with you today, and be your not smoking buddy. and not leaning forward buddy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:08am

  224. 224: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    I had a dream about being around my patna white boy d and guywhohadababy. It felt like really being there.

    It feels really good and heartwarming when guywhohadababy asks a question… Somehow I feel warm and safe and loved. He has this skill… With other people too… He’ll just ask what u think about a newspaper article and it feels like being seen, like someone wants to know the real you.

    I want this skill, thank you angels.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:11am

  225. 225: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Jackie,

    Thanks a lot for reading and responding. Yes, indeed, I think the games are cruel. I also think that he chose a wrong place to play them: our workplace. He is a professor at a school where I am also teaching for this term (but we were friends before that.) I hate that he tries to make me feel insecure in my workspace.

    The good thing is that I am surrounded here by people who care for me and respect me. This is a place where I feel good being both masculine and feminine: acting/showing initiative/remaining strong and receiving/listening/showing vulnerability is hard. As a professor, I have to do both: keep my students engaged and interested and maintaining the authority to lead and guide them.

    And this is a job that reminds me of how much I’m worth. It’s rewarding, in a sense.

    I don’t want this environment and this safety to be threatened.

    Please also stay strong and don’t let a man threaten the spaces where you feel safe. How do you feel having your man near you? Maybe because he’s with you you no longer feel him coming because he’s already there. Maybe he needs to return to a place of his own.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:12am

  226. 226: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    life_is_too_short_to… ,

    I am confused. I think I need him to leave me alone for a while. I don’t want to end my friendship with him completely and I don’t want to think of myself as his victim.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:17am

  227. 227: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — I’m busy checking my Match accound and doing some online shopping…I’m going to try really hard not to txt him back at all. That’s really unlike me (or at least, unlike what I’ve done in the past), so I hope my results are different as well…

    Thank you for caring about me today…I know I’m a little grumpy and feeling needy at the moment…I would take a ton of male attention right now if it happened my way today (or a massage, that would be nice) but I’ve been so caught up w/Blondie the past week and a half that I haven’t really written many people back…now trying to dig myself out of the dating hole I’ve dug for myself by replying to a few emails…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:17am

  228. 228: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe, we posted our comments at the same time. If i had just leaned back with you, i would have been pleasantly rewarded and surprised. i’m making a mental note of this.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:27am

  229. 229: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee/Dorothea: Not texting him feels like game playing to me. “He made me wait, so I’ll make him wait”.

    I’d say “Oh I feel happy hearing from you. Feeling a bit stressed out with nicotine withdrawal. Clean air feels good to breath though.”

    Or “I feel relieved to hear from you. Feeling antsy given my nicotine withdrawal and no comment on my pic. I know I shouldn’t expect that but I feel weird that you didn’t reply.”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:30am

  230. 230: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi SHannon! I’m talking about not texting as a way of reclaiming your own energy. I saw renee’s comment about making him wait, and I think that IS game playing.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:31am

  231. 231: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I like that: “I feel relieved to hear from you..” message

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:35am

  232. 232: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling judged for not wanting to txt him back right now…I know Rori says no game playing, but she also says that holding back on replying until you’re in a better frame of mind is perfectly fine too.

    Beyond that, though, I like the logic in the idea of “mirroring”…I know Evan Marc Katz talks about mirroring and I could have sworn Rori did too…in any event, Evan says if he waits 2 days to call you/txt you, you wait 2 days to call/txt him back and given the fact that I’m feeling like I’ve just overfunctioned, I think I’m due some leaning waaaaay back at the moment. I mean, what’s the difference between leaning way back and game playing? Can someone define that for me?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:40am

  233. 233: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee – no, Rori does NOT talk about mirroring

    game playing is when we’re doing something because of how it will affect the other person

    rather than how it will affect/feel to ourselves.

    this mirroring thing, to me, (done conciously, tho i do think i do it unconsciously sometimes) is something that would take a lot of effort and i think it could slip into game playing (strategizing) very easily

    i would either text him back with my real feelings…

    “ive been feeling so insecure… etc… and im feeling a lil angry, and just kinda confused…”

    or…

    wait until I feel better and feel like texting him and then text him back

    or…

    not text him at all

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:46am

  234. 234: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee: I like what Daria just wrote. The thing with me about waiting to text him back… I feel anxious in the waiting, like I’m watching the clock for some magical time to pass before I can write him back. That’s game playing to me.

    I’d definitely want time to get in a good mood where I wanted to reply. I’m just saying I wouldn’t “not” reply just because he took awhile to respond. Who knows… maybe he never got the picture. Is it possible he never even got it? I’m reading a lot of assumptions in what you wrote. I do that too! :-) So it feels good for me to be able to read the posts here and pick up on those assumptions. Helps me to practice catching them in my self talk.

    Not sure how Rori says it but basically I need to change the movie I’m playing in my head. I’m making it all up anyway.

    What if he’s asking “what you are up to?” because he wants to see your gorgeous kiss face at the restaurant for lunch? I much prefer that story than the one that he doesn’t like my picture.

    (((HUGS))) Hang in there girl! Routing for you Ms. Non-Smoker!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:58am

  235. 235: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh. *blush*

    ROOTING for you! :-)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:00am

  236. 236: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Shannon — No, he got the picture, cause I sent him a follow up txt and that’s the one he replied to. If he hadn’t received the pic I referred to in my 2nd txt, he would have told me.

    He apparently didn’t like my pic (yes, making an assumption here) and that’s ok — he doesn’t have to like every pic of me, but making some reference to it would have been nice.

    I just don’t feel like txting him back right now…I feel like if I do, I’m teaching him that he can ignore me and still get my attention as soon as he gives me the smallest hint of attention himself…

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the ebook Evan wrote (Why He Disappeared) where he talks about mirroring and I find myself wishing I’d done more of that in the past…not like I have to do it every time, but especially in places like this where I feel uncertain about a man’s feelings/intentions. I still don’t get the difference between leaning way back and game playing…it seems to me, if you’re leaning way back, you’re not returning txts or waiting a while to do so (which I know Rori talks about), so I don’t see how that’s different from “game playing”.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:11am

  237. 237: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    The truth is, I’m feeling self conscious because my ex-bf told me it was such a crappy pic of me and you add to that the fact that Blondie didn’t reply at all…it leads me to believe he thought the same of it. I would tell him I’m feeling self conscious about it, but that was the theme of yesterday since he dropped in unannounced and caught me with virtually no makeup and dirty hair. I don’t feel like I can play the “self-conscious” card again right now w/o just coming across as majorly insecure…I’m actually normally happy with my appearance, but that’s when I have makeup on and hair done.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:20am

  238. 238: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mybe itsa a good time to show your major insecurity feeling to him

    i always tell men i feel majorly insecure… heeh… i
    think – as Rori teaches – that its very attractive

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:25am

  239. 239: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I appreciate what you’re saying, but I have to think of how I’d react if, the day after someone had already made a big deal out of being self-conscious, they then told me they were feeling majorly insecure…it would turn me off for sure.

    I know men and women are wired differently, but that just wouldn’t feel good to me to share that his lack of response made me feel insecure.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:31am

  240. 240: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am going to freak out and panic. So. Much. Work. I’d like to have a good cry, but when? Not now. Not later. Maybe in 2 weeks. My last day is in 15 days.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:35am

  241. 241: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee – i feel sad to hear that

    I know it feels scary, but men find vulnerability and our real feelings very attractive, and its the only thing that creates connection

    though some times you dont HAVE to share

    it WILL come up and affect future interactions and eventually it will be shared im sure

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:37am

  242. 242: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee — (((BIG HUG)))

    <3 Lucy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:47am

  243. 243: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    The other thing that’s bothering me is that he told me yesterday (well he had told me before but reiterated yesterday) that he was a one woman man and that he had no inclination to date anyone else right now. (He knows I am free to date others.)

    Well, last night, after not having logged into his Match account for over a week, he logged in. If he doesn’t want to date others, why is he logging into his Match account and why is his profile still up? I’m started to feel like I’m getting jerked around here, but the last thing I want to do is ask him why he’s logging into Match…if he did that to me, that would feel like pressure, and I wouldn’t like that so I assume he wouldn’t like it either…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:47am

  244. 244: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel terrified to meet any new guys from online.

    I have been telling them all I am taking a break from doing so

    …. but I just realized that I feel terrified.

    WH was the last new guy I met in person.

    Even this one man who knows all about WH and knows I’m still feeling bad about him and wants to meet me as a friend — at first I said yes, but now I just feel

    terrified.

    :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:53am

  245. 245: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I think I’m going through major nicotine withdrawel…I just want to cry.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:54am

  246. 246: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, can you get to somewhere to cry?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:59am

  247. 247: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — What are you afraid of, do you think? Is it that they’ll fall for you and you won’t fall for them, or is it that they’ll reject you if you end up liking them?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:11pm

  248. 248: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling a bit triggered

    theres this one guy who’s been seeing me a lot, but sometimes i feel kinda anxious and uncomfortable around him (i get the impression that he’s insecure… but i’m practicing redirecting msyelf back to my feelings)

    so last time i saw him, he’s like, are you gonna call me?

    and i smiled and said …. mmmm.. and giggled… and then said maybe, and gave him a flirty look and a giggle as i went inside

    i “figured” this would come up again

    well he didnt call for awhile, and last nite he texted, i texted hi, he texted hi

    that was tthe end!!

    ok… that felt a bit weird, and im feeling jugemental, but i forgot about it

    then today, he called me, and im like HI! i felt happy to hear form him, but my phone was dying, so i was like, hey call me back my phone is dying

    so then i charged and waited for his call, which didn’t happen

    then i texted “hi! my phone had died”

    and he texted back “it’s ok, i figured thats what happend”

    so then still no call

    now i get a text from him “are you gonna call me back?”

    I would call him back, but im finding myself feeling turned off and judgemental and annoyed,

    and i don’t want to call back really

    i don’t want a man that doesn’t call me or “acts weird” is what im calling it

    what do you sirens think?

    whta is the message here?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:13pm

  249. 249: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i have no problem telling him i dont want to initiate calls with men…
    tho i haven’t told him that – and maybe that’s why he’s acting all weird is my guess , he doesn’t know why im not calling him

    BUT

    the feeling i have right now is kinda judgemental and turned off

    i don’t want to “deal” with this

    i don’t want to have to baby a man

    i wouldn’t mind calling him BACK, but I DO mind what looks to me like playing games and being insecure and needy and weird – judgements

    im feeling kinda angry , like annoyed and turned off

    and i feel guilty telling him that

    im judging him as “too weak” and insecure to tell him that

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:16pm

  250. 250: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Both, I guess. That one or the other will happen. The first scenario happened so many times over the past year, and the second scenario happened only one time — with WH. But I feel afraid of both now.

    I feel major anxiety in my body just thinking about meeting someone new again.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:16pm

  251. 251: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I kinda don’t really want to do online dating, because of this. I could just wait til I meet someone in “the real world.”

    But I do sometimes enjoy the attention I get from men online . . . and the emails and texts help a little with loneliness…

    so I don’t want to quit it completely…..

    but that is probably why men feel like I am leading them on……

    I feel sad, discouraged, scared, lonely.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:21pm

  252. 252: lmNo Gravatar says:

    hmm…this happened to me and it ended up being a way for me to learn about warmth and openness with my guy. but we were long term and i was unconsciously REALLY MAD at him and not comfortable with myself. i think it attracted some anger and insecurity in him. once i processed my stuff he felt safe again. we had to go through a few ’rounds’ as rori says, but we both felt better after.

    this might have nothing to do with your situation, but i thought i’d share…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:22pm

  253. 253: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Barb….I feel bad no one answered you but Brenda! I’ve already put my 2 cents in on the online and older thing both….but just wanted to say Hi, and I’ve missed you; I think what you’re feeling is a lot of the same frustration Lynne writes about on my blog. It can feel very defeating, but what choice do you have? Give up living? Smiling….so I hear you, and it is no fun!! but hope it will be fun, and even if it never is, hope you’ll get the results you want.

    Everyone…..all the advice sounds good to me, have a great day,

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:24pm

  254. 254: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, the guy you just wrote about sounds a lot like the guy I wrote about last night (?) who texted me that he was too chicken to call because he thinks I can “do better.”

    The scenarios you described here with your guy have happened over and over again with “my” guy — for months!!!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:27pm

  255. 255: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Im and Lucy for sharing

    after sitting here for awhile, i don’t really feel angry anymore, but i’m still feeling unsure of whether to call him

    i might just not, though, because i don’t want to call him and explain how i felt turned off and how im judging him

    id rather let him drop off, or else let him step up right now

    and now after saying that, i kinda feel like calling him, lol

    blah

    im just gonna go on about my day instead

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:31pm

  256. 256: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — It does sound like he’s insecure to me and is drawing a line in the sand where he’s decided it’s your turn to call him back.

    The thing I’m wondering is — are you really interested in this guy? If so, perhaps you could feel ok about calling him back since you’re not actually leaning forward but doing what he has requested. Or are you just practicing on him? If so, maybe you could stay leaned back and see what he does. What do you think?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:37pm

  257. 257: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Re: the tools – I just reread the little booklet on listening at level two and Rori says “you’re simply over there, being with the other person.” Try it out by talking with yourself in the mirror.’

    Maybe this is the source of the confusion, but I thought I’d definitely read something almost exactly like mirroring about listening at level 2. Isn’t the feeling message with the what do you think a form of mirroring? Feeling curious about mirroring,

    J

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:40pm

  258. 258: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel nauseous I think I am going to throw up
    I can’t do this
    I can’t do this
    it is so much work
    I am not good enough to do this
    I am not worthy of sleep because I am not good enough to get all this work done, so I don’t deserve to sleep until I have everything done.
    I haven’t been sleeping.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:43pm

  259. 259: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — I’m coming at this online dating thing as a veteran of 10 years experience (yes, before it was cool, lol) and while I do think there are some “prize catches” who are too busy out there socializing and meeting women the old-fashioned way to bother with online dating, I think the majority of people feel crunched for time and resources and turn to it for the same reasons you and I have — it’s just easier than waiting around to meet someone in real life.

    Don’t get me wrong, when I go out, I tend to get a lot of looks from men and if I’m with women, I often get men coming up to me to hit on me, but I don’t have many women friends in this area (especially not ones who are free to go to happy hour frequently) so I guess I feel I have little choice but to date online if I want the best selection.

    I’ve tried going to Lowe’s or the big area bookstore, but finding men who were single and attractive was actually pretty difficult and just didn’t seem like a particularly time-efficient way of going about things.

    I know many women on here have expressed frustration wiht the quality of the men they’ve met online, but, like you, I refuse to believe only low quality men do online dating…I’ve met several men who would be deemed “catches” by most of society — business owners, former models, attractive professionals from a variety of walks of life. Are the majority of men I meet online such prizes? No, but neither are hte majority of men I meet in person, so I don’t feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I’m putting most of my dating eggs in the online basket.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:46pm

  260. 260: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I agree, Renee. I think there are a lot of great guys online — I just have trouble finding the one for ME. I don’t really think it’s the “quality” of the men that’s the issue…. IMO.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  261. 261: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Btw, Barb — how goes the smoking cessation?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 12:53pm

  262. 262: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    interested or not, im always practicing.

    i feel a lil turned off by some of the stuff i judge as insecure, like this calling,

    and also how he sounds “down” on the phone

    but when i see him in person, i Like him! i feel attracted to him

    tho i do feel a lil judgemental and anxious around him

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:09pm

  263. 263: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Dorothea, I can relate to feeling overwhelmed. There are a few things that have helped me when feeling that way.

    One thing is, I’ll go through and prioritze what I really have to do. And I’ll focus on getting those things done first. I also look at what I can let go of…things that would be nice to have done but aren’t a complete necessity. And I look at what I can delegate.

    I also look at what limiting beliefs I have regarding the situation. Do I think that I have to do everything or can I trust that the world is going to keep spinning either way. Sometimes for me there are some control issues at play as well. Do I think I am the only one who can do these things good enough or can I trust that someone else can handle them. I have also found it helpful to talk to my boss or business partner and tell them I am feeling overwhelmed. Let them know that I really want to do a good job but it’s just too much. They often give good perspective on what is priority and what I can let go of.

    Another thing I do is a form of prayer asking for help from the universe. I will write in my journal what I would like to see happen…sort of like writing a story. I’ll start at the end of the time frame and work my way back. For example…

    “I see myself feeling happy and relieved at the end of the two weeks. I see myself sitting at my desk looking at all of my completed projects feeling rested and at peace. I see myself feeling happy and motivated and easy on myself. I see myself feeling rested and healthy and emotionally balanced.”

    I’ll usually go into specifics about the situation I’m in.

    I don’t know if any of this will help but I feel inspired to share because feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do has been a common theme in my life and something I’m really trying to let go of.

    Best wishes! And please don’t push yourself too hard. I believe that nothing is worth not caring for ourselves.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:24pm

  264. 264: lmNo Gravatar says:

    renee 252:

    “perhaps you could feel ok about calling him back since you’re not actually leaning forward but doing what he has requested.”

    this is important, i think…

    with my guy i was resisting doing things he asked me to (‘call me’ and ‘make plans with me’) because he’d always done the asking and i felt scared i would be leaning forward. but he asked me, so i finally started to call more and ask him to hang out. then it evened itself out and he leaned forward again. i think he was feeling tired and insecure at the time.

    but i was so so so resistant. i was like rebelling against him…i think it was that i was secretly resentful about some things.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:27pm

  265. 265: lmNo Gravatar says:

    Lg 259:

    your post is awesome.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:28pm

  266. 266: lmNo Gravatar says:

    also, daria…

    could you be feeling a little pulled on by him on the phone (like margaret paul describes)? that usually doesn’t feel very good.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:30pm

  267. 267: lmNo Gravatar says:

    also, daria…

    could you be feeling a little pulled on by him on the phone (like margaret paul describes)? that usually doesn’t feel very good.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:30pm

  268. 268: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies — thank you for letting me spam this board today! I’m closing in on 44 hours without smoking and have yet to actually bite anyone’s head off, lol. I’ve thought about it, obviously, but haven’t done it.

    I’m feeling a little better within myself about the thing with Blondie, but I don’t know if I could actually open my heart to him at this point if I were to write him back…I still feel like attacking him and I don’t want to do that, but I’d really like to tell him that I’m confused because he logged onto his Match account last night after he said he didn’t want to date other women.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:31pm

  269. 269: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, glad you’re feeling a little better. We are all rooting for you.

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:34pm

  270. 270: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, LG, your advice means a lot to me and I think I am going to do the thing with writing a story. I also talked to my boss at your advice just now and he helped me put priorities into perspective.

    I still feel f*ckin’ overwhelmed, but it feels good to get it off of my chest with those in power.

    My LI has also been cooking every night for me and taking care of me, and I feel so lucky to have his support. Literally all friends are all kind of MIA for one reason or another, so I feel kind of like I have my LI and this blog and no one else.

    Thanks LG

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:36pm

  271. 271: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    holy crap, facebook is down. wonder if it finally got hacked/attacked! hahaha. i feel amused.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:39pm

  272. 272: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Holy crap is right, Dorothea! It’s not just malfunctioning, it’s completely offline! Wow — can’t wait to find out what’s behind that.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:44pm

  273. 273: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a weird thought suddenly speak to my mind: “I am exactly what WH needs.”

    Wishful thinking maybe….

    But it’s an improvement, because before my thoughts were: “I’m not good enough for WH” and “He doesn’t want someone like me.”

    I am exactly what he needs.

    That thought feels good.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:45pm

  274. 274: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    haha this is cute
    http://twitter.com/alqaeda

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:46pm

  275. 275: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Facebook — maybe it’s a marketing gimmick for the movie that’s coming out about facebook. When is the premier, anyone know?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:46pm

  276. 276: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lucy that would be pretty brilliant. however, i conduct business through facebook, and they are messin with my money!!!! hehe

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:49pm

  277. 277: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    RE: #254 – About sleep, you come first. If it’s too much work, then just tell whoever, “I’m sorry, I can’t do all this by myself. I need sleep.” It is honoring your worth and value by getting a normal amount of sleep every night. No one can fault you for getting 8 hours of sleep. If they do, they’re an *sshole.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 1:57pm

  278. 278: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Deadlines, Brenda. It’s them damn deadlines. Such is the world of electoral politics. I feel the whole weight of the nation on me. I don’t think anyone knows that I am the only person planning this massive thing, and it will have the polished look of the work of 100 paid staffers.

    Thank you for your comment, Brenda:) It feels good to have someone pay attention to me. I feel left in the dust with all this work.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:00pm

  279. 279: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling sad and annoyed trying to call banks and get them to settle with me

    ugh…

    i feel sad

    i have thoughts that tell me I SUCK at this

    i love my feelings

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:05pm

  280. 280: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    facebook is back

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:06pm

  281. 281: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Can they bring some temps on board? Or advertise on bull boards? Getcha a cuppa coffee and lean back for a moment and say this mantra, “I resign myself as manager of the Universe!” It’s so freeing! You can only do what you can do. You’re welcome.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:09pm

  282. 282: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    no, no temps or bill boards. our budget it muy muy pequeno. those are two very good ideas tho!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:12pm

  283. 283: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I am with Shannon on her second feeling message she suggested. I’m going to depart from the path of feeling messages for a moment and be frank with you…please don’t take offense…I am only trying to help you, and sometimes I just can’t put the meaning I want into a feeling message…

    I think you are making way too big a deal over something minor.

    Rori says the only time you initiate is when you feel completely secure in his love. Last night, before you jumped off your bridge to follow him on match, you felt secure in his love, right? He was talking serious stuff with you, right? So you initiated this morning with a sweet kiss-blowing pic of yourself, followed by a text. No big deal. He didn’t respond. No big deal. Get over it. Don’t make a capital offense of it.

    Okay, I’m a girl again. And I care.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:13pm

  284. 284: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, I know! They could hire Brenda to work from home part time temporarily! She is in favor! Hired!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:14pm

  285. 285: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucille,

    You are doing some healthy processing! Yes, WH needs you! You are the air he breathes! :-)

    I hope you find someone to flirt with who you WANT to connect with you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:16pm

  286. 286: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    On what happened with the texting then calling then phone dying with your man…I don’t see it as he’s insecure. I see it that maybe he took your phone dying as a message that you possibly aren’t interested in him. And even if he is insecure, we get insecure, so why fault him for that? If it were me, I would feel very comfortable to call him back. He wanted to talk with you.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:19pm

  287. 287: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i felt turned off… i don’t want an insecure man, it feels icky

    and if a man takes my phone dying as a message that im not interested in him, i feel turned off

    And

    i even texted him after to let him know it died

    what more can i do?

    im feeling turned off, and i haven’t answered him

    i’m just gonna let it go/

    **

    im feeling super triggered to extreme anger talking to these banks about settling my debts

    i don’t know what this is about really

    im practicing feeling it,

    but whoa, i thought it was sadness till i tried some eft and maybe that lifted and i started screaming out the words and pounding my karate chop

    i feel so angry rite now

    it feels like my hands are hot and squeezed

    i love my hands being hot and squeezed

    and my mouth tooo

    this means big energy is moving to change my life for the better

    and that feels like

    shoulders droppin some

    i love my shoulders dropping

    and that feels like

    head dropping

    i love my head dropping

    and that feels like

    defeat

    i love my defeat

    and that feels like

    sad smlie

    ilove my sad smile

    and that feeels like

    sightng and head to the side and tiredness

    i love my sighing and head to the side and tirednesss

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:25pm

  288. 288: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i didn’t mean what more can i do?

    i meant… i feel annoyed and turned off… idont want to chase a man

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:26pm

  289. 289: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I appreciate your advice. I feel misunderstood, though. I’m upset with him because of a combination of things he did:
    A. He said he was going to call and didn’t.
    B. He told me he wanted to date only me then proceeded to log onto Match for the 1st time in a week.
    C. He didn’t reply to my 2 txt message for like 5 hrs, even though I sent him a half naked picture of myself.

    I’m not saying he’s done anything that can’t be forgiven…I just think, after overfunctioning like I have, that the thing to do is to lean way back, especially since I can’t seem to open my heart to him at the moment given my nicotine withdrawel.

    Btw — I know you’ve had tons of advice on losing weight and you may not want to hear another voice, but here’s what I did to lose 65 pounds years ago…I first started by giving up one unhealthy habit — for me, that was drinking beer virtually every night (now I can’t stand the stuff!). After I got used to that, I gave up eating in between meals. After I got used to that, I started subsituting protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and that’s where I am today — I don’t eat “regular” food during the day, but I eat whatever I want for dinner and I stay around 125 lbs. Now, this whole process took a couple of years for me (and I continued to make other improvements in my life at the same time) but I could see someone doing this over a period of months. It may be an unorthodox eating plan, but it’s been working for me for about 6 years and I can still eat whatever I want — at least once a day!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:31pm

  290. 290: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda i am feeling like WOW about what you had to say to renee. that is what i was trying to say, but i fumble for the right words.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:32pm

  291. 291: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    babysteps — im feeling shaky, sad, frustrated, and angry

    i love all my feelings

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:36pm

  292. 292: amyNo Gravatar says:

    If the relationship is as good as it sounds, he will most likely bring these things up on his own-eventually. The hard part for us as women though is- What do we do with the “falling for him” feelings without sabatoging the relationship? It seems we definitely have to wait for him to say something first. I’ve witnessed a couple of girlfriends who never had “the talk” with their guy (because they knew it would put pressure on him and ruin the relationship) have their feelings in front of me (a woman friend) instead while waiting for him to get closer. It seemed to work for both of my friends. It just kind of has this ‘uncontrollable feeling with no outlet’ kind of vibe to it. Maybe a rite of passage into ‘happy ever after’?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:37pm

  293. 293: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Only you know the full feelings of the relationship. If you lean way back, I suppose it could only help. Thank you for taking my boy voice in stride. I want to be soft all the time, but sometimes I feel at a loss for words.

    Thanks a lot for your input on losing weight. I feel impressed at how everyone on here really gets it about weight loss. And I totally like how you did it and what you did and are doing. I cut out Pepsi and Coke a couple years ago, which were my #1 addiction. I occasionally have a sugar soda, but usually only one. I got scared the day in 1999 when my doctor said, “One day, your pancreas is just going to start working, and you are going to be a diabetic the rest of your life.” I knew he weren’t jokin cuz my Dad got diabetes like that, and eventually passed away in his 60s with diabetes-related complications. It still took me years from then to quit the addiction, but I did it with massive amounts of diet soda. Now I just have that when I go out, and the rest of the time I have stuff like water, juice, and powder mixes like SlimQuick to mix into the bottle of water that tastes like koolaid but it calorie free.

    I already am largely in the habit of protein shakes for breakfast, so that will be easy to extend it to lunch. I really like them and prefer them to something heavy for lunch. Thank you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:40pm

  294. 294: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    renee i like your approach to maintaining weight loss. I like how you’re able to eat whatever you want for dinner. I wonder if this is healthy for me considering i am a high energy person and need fuel all day long.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:41pm

  295. 295: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Protein shakes give you a lot of energy. Maybe you could supplement it with fruit. When I lost 90 lbs in the late 80s, I ate any amount of fruits and veggies, and the weight was pouring off me.

    My typical day was a half gallon of fruit smoothie, typically frozen bananas blended with fresh squeezed orange juice and frozen strawberries. Then salad and baked potato for dinner.

    Or 4 oranges for breakfast, 4 bananas for lunch, and vegetable stew for dinner. I used the book Fit for Life.

    I feel so frustrated I just can’t seem to get back in that mindset. I haven’t weighed myself, but I know I’m gaining cuz my pants are feeling tight. I started Medifast in March, and I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks. I was in a really good emotional space for the most part cuz Ryan was regularly texting me. I totally wanted to continue and my blood sugar was level but I couldn’t afford it. It averages to about $2.40 for a 110 calorie meal. You eat 4 of them a day PLUS two “lean and green” meals, of meat and veggies. I wish so much I could go back to it. It really worked for me and I felt so good.

    What I am learning is that I can have all that I want and need. I just need to believe it. I believe I will have the money for Medifast. Thank You, God! I love You!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:48pm

  296. 296: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to eat fruit smoothies because all that sugar contributes to yeast problems in my body. Yucky yeast problems. What about vegetable shakes? yuck. lol

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:51pm

  297. 297: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I am sad you are struggling right now. I feel the same way when I deal with debt. It feels so hard sometimes. Here is what someone told me today when I asked about my reality being a “just a story”:

    It’s a story in the sense that you believe that it has to be one or the other. I’m not advocating skipping out on anything – on the contrary, I believe it’s totally necessary that YOU are taken care of first, and then any obligations you’ve made (to the landlord, doctor, etc.) are met.

    The story is that there’s not enough money to meet all your needs AND your wants. It’s simply not true. Money is totally and completely abundant. It’s a renewable resource that comes to those who are ready to receive it.

    But it will behave the way you think of it. If you think it’s stingy and not enough to go around, it will be exactly that.

    If you believe that there’s TONS of it, and woo it (in a sense), it will be romanced and come to you.

    I’m not saying this as pie-in-the-sky stuff. I’ve seen it with my own eyes! It happens to me, and I bless God when it does!

    I didn’t always feel this way. I was extremely poor for many years – even slept on the floor in one apt I could barely afford (with cockroaches, ewww!). But then I looked at people like Paris Hilton, who does NOTHING to have the money she does… or Donald Trump, who’s a boob… and I started to wonder what was so different between them and me.

    If anything, I believed I was a better person than they – and I couldn’t understand why God blessed them MORE than He blessed me. I just didn’t understand! Until I finally understood that He DOESN’T give money to those who deserve it. Money is neutral – meaning those who believe they can receive it… do! And it becomes EASY to receive it!

    It really is just a matter of perception.

    I like to imagine that we’re all in the same rainbow – the red people are on top, and the purple people are on the bottom. And in between are the oranges, the yellows, the greens and the blues.

    Reds make the most money, and purples the least. To move from one color to another, all you have to do is BELIEVE that you can become the color, and start to behave like you ARE that color.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:51pm

  298. 298: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Haha I feel so frustrated – i am allergic to bananas and oranges give me bad stomach problems.

    *shakes fist in no particular direction*

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:52pm

  299. 299: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Jacqueline and Renee

    I wrote a BIG reply and lost it on here….gggrrr……..

    Thanks for your support. Much as I DON’T want to do the online dating thing (been there, done that) I really have no other choice if I want to find a lifetime partner, its all very well flirting and practising with the taxi driver or the waiter, but meeting somebody like that is very unlikely.

    I don’t have many single friends up here either, and honestly I could maybe go to a restaurant for dinner on my own, but no way would I walk into a club or a bar……so that leaves me very little else to do other than online dating, and yes I really do know 3 couples who met on dating sites and are now married, albeit they are couples in their 30’s.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:54pm

  300. 300: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Renee

    Well done on the quit smoking thing, I lasted all of 3 days then ripped off the patch :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:56pm

  301. 301: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    LOL! Maybe the lining of your tummick is covered with gunk? Have you ever done a digestive cleanse with an herbal product? Also, if you eat fruit on an empty tummick, you will find it doesn’t burn. It only takes 20 min to digest (45 min for nanners). Salad takes about 2 hrs to digest. Carbs about 4-5 hrs to digest, and meat and eggs 8 hrs to digest. So if you eat fruit on top of meat or eggs, it will get stuck in your tummick. By the time it enters your small intestine, to be absorbed by your blood stream, it is a rotting, putrifying mess.

    You’re welcome for the word picture!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:56pm

  302. 302: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz,

    Go for it! It’s definitely worth the try. I met my exhusband online, and he remains amazed at the power of the internet. Talk about not being able to meet people…he met me from prison, surrounded by men.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 2:58pm

  303. 303: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    This is kinda weird, but when I was doing “Fit for Life”, my digestive system was FAST. It was totally healthy. One time I was at the shore and just indulged in fudge, something I didn’t usually have. My system went nuts on me and I almost instantly felt horrible. I had diarrhea about 20 min later. Dunno. Just telling you what happened.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:00pm

  304. 304: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Brenda. (281) :)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:06pm

  305. 305: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee: If you’re going to make up stories, then so am I. :-)

    And I’m saying this with complete love in my heart and a smile on my face.

    I bet Blondie thought you were hella cute with your dirty hair last night. He was probably excited to see you looking normal and not so “perfect”. Probably took the edge off for him. What a relief! And I bet he thought you were equally endearing and sexy in your picture today. A man who does not find us attractive would not be contacting us. I still think he was going to ask you out for lunch today.

    Maybe he logged onto Match to see how to shut down his profile.

    Maybe he got nervous about how much he likes you and set a time limit on how quickly he would respond so as not to give up how overwhelmed HE feels about you. Can you hear his thoughts? “I will not text her back immediately. I will wait until noon to text her today. Blondie, you’re losin’ it man. This chick is freakin’ awesome. Straighten up dude.”

    I love making up stories. And happy endings…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:08pm

  306. 306: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I know you havn’t heard from me in awhile. My b’friend proposed marriage to me about 10 days ago. My childhood sweetheart. He did it in front of his family. Anyway, the sad truth is…..we don’t have a pot to piss in. Seriously, I make okay money, but nothing outstanding saved…He is on disability from having so many health issues. I found out the other day that he’s not getting hardly any money in disability. Really disappointing. He has cancer and really I love him truly. But I’m just not sure what to do here. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  307. 307: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Renee on Blondie,

    I read this on Tinque’s blog, soooo interesting about the way men think and seemingly “forget” us…….

    http://sexandheart.com/wordpress/?p=1555

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  308. 308: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm
    so Dman just called me

    he now works closer to my town and wants to kick it…

    how does he get here? (told him)

    can he sneak in my room overnight ? (no)

    do i want to go to his house then and have my dad pick me up from the bart? (no)

    theres not enuf time to kick it then before your dad gets home (well, im down to kick it outside the house, i was thinking about riding my bike down town anyways)

    oh… well then yeah, do that when i get off in 2 hours and we’ll meet

    cool.

    i feel a bit odd.

    i kinda feel like his friend right now. it would feel fun to kick it with a friend.

    i had a lil convo in my head right now with him, where i was like, ok we’re friends, and felt neutral, like even talked to him about his babymama and stuff

    and not feeling like having sex

    and then saying, if you want to be more then friends, then you’re gonna have to show me, and figure out how

    Then again, i have an image of us having sex in the park lol

    ***

    hmmmm

    i wonder how this will go down? i feel curious?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  309. 309: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha! Dorothea isn’t working. Dorothea isn’t working. Lalalala! 15 more days baby! Woot woot!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:11pm

  310. 310: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon !!! do one for meeee!!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:11pm

  311. 311: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    *shakes fist in no particular direction*

    I can totally see this! I feel smiley!

    LOL!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:13pm

  312. 312: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda #298

    I have been doing Body For Life on and off for about 20 months now, I eat 5-6 small meals a day, firstly I can’t even eat a “normal” size meal now and often ask for a doggy bag if eating out, so I will make that one bought meal into 2, bring it home and later heat up the leftover bit in the microwave (saving money too :D)

    On Body For Life we have one free day where you can eat whatever you like!!! And I find now that if I have something like chips (french fries to you :)) or anything too fatty I have the same reaction as you did with the fudge.

    I like Renee’s way of having the 2 protein shakes a day and a normal size meal. I have a big container of Vanilla protein shake I use in my Body For Life programme, but not sure if that will be enough to keep me going for the day, aren’t you STARVING at the end of the day???

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:16pm

  313. 313: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jeannette,

    See #292! So you didn’t accept yet? I feel sad you are in such a hard position. Like she said in the movie, “Anna and the King” (I think), “If love were a choice, then who would choose such an exquisite pain?”

    I know that same pain, having dated and married a man in prison. And even tho we have been divorced 4 years, I still support him. Not because I legally have to, but because he remains one of my best friends, and I care. But it’s hard.

    And then last year, I dated Ryan on disability. I am in love with him even now, knowing that I may face life as the provider if I get serious with him.

    I think it really is a decision only you can make. And I am probably filled with too much custard cream in my soft heart to tell you anything other than follow your heart…and marry him. :-)

    But I also believe in God, and I believe in miracles, and what looks supernatural to us is natural to God.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:17pm

  314. 314: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda #297

    Wow I didn’t know you were married to the guy in prison (Kenny?)!!

    I will be keeping away from that as it’s just like a long distance relationship and I already had one of those :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:18pm

  315. 315: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    Awesome! Thank you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:20pm

  316. 316: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, you my dear are a wonderful fairy princess with long flowing hair. You shimmer when you walk. You are a bridge among nations, able to converse and relate to all types of people. Your book of poetry is an instant hit and featured on Oprah. You travel all over the world (with your home base in Brazil). One day you are speaking at an event in Italy, and it’s there you meet him. The one that is no other. And he drives to pick you up and takes you fabulous places. He allows you to be Daria, the shimmering princess, the wonderful poet, the bridger of nations. None of that gets lost in him. He walks with you and helps to bring Daria out. Forever.

    The end.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:21pm

  317. 317: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    Awwwww! :-)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:23pm

  318. 318: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda # 290

    Getting into the mindset.

    Did you watch those hypnosis type youtubes Daria posted? Well yesterday I watched one in the morning, the lady cant remember her name kept going on about fruit, etc. Anyway I got ready for work and thought no more about it, I drove to the local shops to get some cigs :( and called in at the fruit shop and got some strawberries and 2 banana’s and you know I think I heard her voice in my head LOL!! I am going to search out Daria’s link again and listen some more and especially to the exercise one as I have lost my mojo with that, I joined up at a 24 hour gym about 5 weeks ago and have only been about 4 times :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:24pm

  319. 319: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    something that REALLY helps me lose weight quickly

    is having a shot of Apple cider vinegar 3 times a day (esp before meals)

    this worked really fast for a woman i told it to to lose the post baby weight

    in two weeks her midsection had slimmed drastically

    it seems to mostly burn fat from the belly also

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:25pm

  320. 320: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOZ – isn’t it WILD!! it works!!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:25pm

  321. 321: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon! haha WOW I FEEL LAUGHING AND HAPPY!!!!

    THANK YOU!!!!!

    weeeeeeee

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:26pm

  322. 322: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love bridger of nations… tha tis one of my life dreams…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:27pm

  323. 323: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    I have had mostly long distance prison relationships in my life. It is a big reason why I am painfully lonely. I sure don’t recommend it.

    I felt thrilled when Ryan started dating me, and he lived 3 miles away! It was a total relief and joy! I felt sad when he and his parents moved 15 miles away last November. Now he told me he moved 1 hr 15 min away. I don’t know if he really did or if he told me that just to get me off his trail. I mean, I wasn’t looking for him. But who knows. He is known to lie, that’s all. I had to learn to look behind every word he said. I credit that to the schizophrenia, which I largely separate from him.

    Oh, that’s right, we were discussing long distance relationships. It is hell on earth loving someone and being separated by concrete and steel. Welcome to my world.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:27pm

  324. 324: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #318 Brenda

    I am no expert here, but Brenda do you have a fear of intimacy? That’s what they say about people in LDR’s and I was in one myself and have wondered about that, am I afraid of intimacy after my ex-husband did the things he did?………….I mean your heart can ache and break just the same as if you lived with somebody every day……just thinking out loud here……

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:31pm

  325. 325: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i feel so triggered and ick and judge the stuff you write about Ryan as overly dramatic…

    it feels icky and i feel mistrustful,

    as if you’re looking to be better than me in a way, or just OVERING stuff to pull ‘poor me’ attention

    I don’t want to say that’s what you’re doing. That’s just how i get triggered by it…

    i feel curious about this

    it feels like a real turn off to me though

    i guess its mostly the judgements and blaming ,

    im not sure

    i just feel STRONGLY TRIGGERED TO NOT TRUSTING

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:33pm

  326. 326: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #314

    How much apple cider vinegar should we have in a shot? Do you mix it with water?

    My midsection is the worst, I have a good shape otherwise, but the midriff section is not the best……..

    And thank you for the video youtubes, I intend watching them again, but don’t have time this morning as I am too busy posting on here :D

    Can you please tell me the ladies name again……every little helps……

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:34pm

  327. 327: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    wow jeannette, a proposal! you are such a goddess :) I feel very happy for you just for being proposed to, even if you won’t want to accept.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:38pm

  328. 328: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I would love to hear about your dreams. Or in Rori-speak, your “out the window”. Sometimes I get caught up in the conversations about the men in our lives, and I forget to see the wonderful Daria in front of me. I definitely see the bridger of nations thing with you. You seem to have so much range in your voice, your speaking, and your thoughts. Ability to relate to almost everyone here. I realize that feeling messages are universal but it’s more than that with you.

    It feels interesting to me how much I recalled about you as I was writing that. Normally I’m completely forgetful but I whipped that out in like 5 seconds. It was all “right there” when I was writing. :-)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:42pm

  329. 329: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, my thoughts/feelings are that you are both managing to survive financially on your own — so why would it be any different to marry and share your lives together? If you love each other and want to be together . . . ?

    (And then work on manifesting more money anyway, which is what I am trying to do right now. hehe. :) )

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:47pm

  330. 330: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I can totally see Daria on Oprah. :) I can see the whole vision. Lovely!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:48pm

  331. 331: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I always appreciate what you say. He is a sweetheart for sure, I think he could get more in disability if he tried, does anyone know how that works? Is it based on your former income? I would like to know.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:49pm

  332. 332: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    disability payments are based on how much you have paid into social security. you get an annual statement in the mail from them.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 3:53pm

  333. 333: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz 302 (I think…)

    Thank you for this link. I read it and I think it’s so true. It reminded me of a conclusion I came to a while ago…

    Men have their life (or their mission in life), and women are an just an addition to that. For women, men often ARE their life. And I’m afraid that causes us a lot of grief. We should have our own missions and let men be an addition. That way our lives wouldn’t fall apart every time a man lets us down.

    I don’t think it’s inevitable that “the most important thing to most women will always be the relationship”. I think it’s something that can be worked on. It’s what I’m working on for myself, anyway. Some days I do well, some days I fail miserably. But I know that if I crack it, my happiness won’t depend on a man ever again. He can make me happy when he’s here… but I won’t automatically unhappy when he’s not… sounds good to me….

    Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:02pm

  334. 334: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon — Thank you for such a lovely story. I don’t know if I can totally buy into it, but I’m trying:-)

    He finally txted me again about 30 mins ago, and I replied asking him how he was immediately. No response to that yet, so who knows what’s going on in his head. Okay, strike that, he finally got back with me…normal message talking about the Harvest Moon tonight…I still feel so annoyed that he logged into Match last night and I just don’t feel like I can mention it right now. Ugh. I hate that I feel insecure right now.

    I broke down and bought some cigarettes…here’s to starting all over again tommorrow:-/.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:03pm

  335. 335: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    I used to have an extreme fear of intimacy. Now I crave it. My first boyfriend in prison pointed that out to me.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:06pm

  336. 336: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I feel sad that stuff I say triggers you. I feel judged and not good enough. I feel at a deep level. I don’t want to apologize for that. Maybe it’s okay to express myself dramatically when that is how I feel it and who I am.

    Pain creates deep feelings, and I felt so deeply hurt by him. I don’t know what you want from me…can you clue me in?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:08pm

  337. 337: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, thanks and now I see what the problem is. He didn’t pay alot into social security over the years. He worked in food service off and on, and played in bands on the weekends for years. So, Now his disability check isn’t all I’d want it to be to even come close in matching my income. I just am concerned I will be the one taking care of HIM and not the other way around. I don’t have a pension, I just have worked and saved some over the years. I love him and please don’t get me wrong. I just need to be sure of what I’m doing. I think my grown kids are a little concerned but not saying a whole lot.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:08pm

  338. 338: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I feel for you… and don’t worry about the fags. It’s hard to sort out your love life and give up smoking at the same time. I’m a passionate smoker and just trying to cut down… even that’s difficult. I’ve decided to tackle one demon at a time…..first the love life, the fags can wait….

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:09pm

  339. 339: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I don’t want poor me attention. I would FAR rather come on this blog and say, “Wow, guess what?? Ryan proposed to me today! We are marrying in such-and-such month and you are all invited!” I think of that post every day. I feel embarrassed that I am so wounded. I feel angry at myself and at Ryan that both of us contributed to f*cking up the best relationship I ever had. I feel frustrated that I have this deep pain that is a physical ache in my heart. I try to rid myself of it by expressing it, but it’s always there in my quiet moments.

    I really just want to be married and leave all this f*cking dating sh*t in my past. I HATE dating!!!! I had been so joyful last year to think I would never have to date again. What do you think/feel?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:11pm

  340. 340: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    FrenchKitty re: 328 – YES! I’ve just been reading The Shack (for the second time) and the chapter I read last night was EXACTLY about that. I won’t go too deep because it is a Chr*stian book, but basically it was saying that when humans chose independence from God, man looked to work for his identity and that women looked to man for theirs. It’s when we are both seeking God, as equals but different, that we create a good balance.

    It’s the same thing that Rori calls her “out the window”. For me this feels so true now. When I’m focused on my “out the window” (in my case God), I’m not even thinking about boys. And then when the boy shows up, I feel happy because it’s like “oh hey I didn’t even see you standing there. wow it feels good to see you. I’ve been feeling so busy with stuff”. The other added benefit is that I don’t have all this time to sit around and analyze all the stuff he’s doing (or not doing).

    Thank you for that post!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:17pm

  341. 341: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Do I sound selfish? Please re-read # 332

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:19pm

  342. 342: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: Not to burst your bubble here but marriage IS dating… the same man… over and over and over again. It is not the fairytale we all imagine it to be. It’s wonderful and frustrating in its own way just like dating is wonderful and frustrating in its own way.

    Trust me, I believed that marriage would finally bring me happiness. And it did… for awhile. But it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

    Wait. You’ve been married, right? I feel intrigued to know more about your thoughts on marriage.

    I want to be married again but I have a lot more reservations now than I did before. I’m definitely looking to choose the right guy this time. Not just any ol’ man who will have me. If I have ANY reservations at all about a man, I’m gonna pass on that deal. Been there, done that, got that friggin’ t-shirt.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:27pm

  343. 343: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jeanette,

    if you have more money than him you WILL end up looking after him. I’m speaking as someone who has a knack of attracting guys with less money than me (and I married one of them), and you inevitably end up paying for stuff. But if I liked the guy, that’s never bothered me, and if the man I loved asked me to marry him but had no money, I’d still say yes without having to think about it. Unless of course…. I thought he was asking me to marry him BECAUSE of my money. I don’t want to be rude, but do you think that’s a possibility?
    If not, if he loves you and you love him, I can’t see that money should be a reason not to get married. Why shouldn’t you take care of him? Married people take care of each other, each in the way they can. My ex husband hardly ever had any money, but he looked after me in other ways.
    I can also understand if your kids are suspicious, but frankly it’s none of their business (they probably know that, and therefore don’t say anything). You’ve brought them up, you’ve provided for them, and now it’s your turn to make yourself happy FIRST, not them. If marrying this man will make you happy, do it. If you think it won’t, don’t.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:31pm

  344. 344: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m lovin’ me some Frenchkitty!

    Jeannette: What Frenchkitty said!

    And just as a little P.S., I feel kind of weird reading your updates about this man. All along I’ve felt this weird energy to throw him in the cage, to make him fit what you’ve wanted. It’s like managing down expectations or something. I love him BUT…

    Your kids don’t like him, you aren’t sure…

    It just feels weird to me. I expected “hooray I got engaged”, not “he asked me to marry him, and I want ya’ll to tell me it’s okay to say yes”.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:35pm

  345. 345: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty, well he’s definitely a sweetheart that’s for sure…I guess I could think of 100 different excuses not to marry him. But he does make me happy, I dated him 40 years ago and now he’s back. I sort of would like to retire, getting tired but I don’t see the likelihood. But whoever said life would be easy right?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:37pm

  346. 346: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a trigger around the phrase “burst your bubble.” I’m laughing at myself about that. But I would like that trigger healed. Thank you.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:39pm

  347. 347: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey! Facebook is down again! :(

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:42pm

  348. 348: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – her name is Wendi Friesen. whats cool is that the videos are like 2 min. I just go right to where she starts the hypnosis

    she also has radio/video show archives on stickam.com under her name, all of them have hypnosis, i just click around until i find where that starts so i dont have to listen to the talking at the beginning

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:42pm

  349. 349: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – I take something like one tablespoon to two table spoons each time, mixed with water

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:43pm

  350. 350: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha! Lucy, I thought the same thing after I posted, like who brought Debbie Downer to the party? :-)

    I swear I’m not doing drugs but today I feel like I’m on speed. Everything coming a mile a minute. And I should be working. But I don’t want to. Wah wah wah.

    Hehe! I feel giddy in an I’m on crack kind of way.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:50pm

  351. 351: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon 335…

    Thank YOU! I was most interested to read your post. Actually I came to this insight when I read a lengthy piece about Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. The upshot of it was that they had this “open relationship” that worked well for him because it allowed him to shag lots of his female admirers, but didn’t really work for her, because she felt hurt and jealous just like we all do sometimes, but she decided to work on that and have her own missions, and according to this article she succeeded, grew and became a remarkable human being happy in herself by NOT allowing the man to be the centre of her life. (She still looked after Sartre, on the other hand, who remained a slave to his addictions which eventually killed him.)

    So, if a Christian and an existentialist can essentially come to the same conclusion… there must be something in it I say…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:53pm

  352. 352: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I’m not sure what I want “from” you or if i do. The second post with your feelings felt totally comfortable (in contrast) to read…

    if i were to let my voice go uncensored to answer … what do you want from me?

    i would say:

    i want you to stop pulling on me!!! i don’t want to give you extra sympathy!

    im trying to respect you as equal to other people!

    i don’t want to see you as wounded, broken, damaged,

    you are just whining! we are all that way! i feel annoyed!

    IIIIII feel unseen when you do that.

    like you dont respect that i have pain too, and like your pain is just so much more important

    but guess what its not

    so im not gonna give you any extra sympathy than i would any other human being

    just because you are blowing things out of proportion and describing stuff dramatically

    .

    i feel misled, lied to, mistrustful when that happens.

    i feel maipulated

    i feel like im being pulled on with “wounded pain” like in that Margaret Paul article and i feel turned off, NOT compassionate, because its not sincere

    its an avoidance mechanism and I don’t want to fall into it

    you are a dangerous person because you are not willing to respect me on an equal level and are wanting me to give you EXTRA sympathy tho we are both equal

    this feels bad to me

    **

    ok not sure if any of that is helpful (to you since it’s def in YOU YOU YOU language). sorry if it triggers you

    it might be full of assumptions, and

    referring to a whole gang of people and experiences i have that am projecting on you

    and its the putting self down, overdramatic non feeling message language that triggers it

    **
    i love my feelings

    i want to learn to express myself clearly and freely

    thank you

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 4:57pm

  353. 353: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol, Shannon. :) I actually agree with what you wrote to Brenda in that post.

    I just honestly DO have a trigger around that particular phrase! I noticed it last week when someone else used it on here….

    I remember it being used on me when I was living at a home for unwed pregnant girls, and it felt really awful and condescending — it felt like everything I had just said had been negated by this man who was the “house father.” I felt very unheard, and that made me feel sad, because I was already feeling sad and lonely. Sob sob sob story… boo hoo poor me. :)

    He was a loving, caring man! But it just hit me hard when he said that — and stuck with me so that it STILL triggers me! Weird, huh?

    So I don’t think it’s the phrase that’s the problem — just my “trauma” trigger. Let’s heal that now. Thank you, God.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:02pm

  354. 354: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Life is tough, I DO love my childhood sweetheart but I have visions in my mind that I will have to work forever to support us and I’m already tired. Guess I just feel whiny and sorry for myself at the moment. My mother said, “Make sure he can help you out financially before you launch off and marry him!”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:08pm

  355. 355: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh Brenda – i feel sad thinking of taking that list upon yourself.

    i don’t want to throw all those YOU’s on your back.

    this is about me.

    ***
    i do think it would help you in your own life to change the language to reflect your feelings and love for yourself,

    but that’s your own choice… and just what i THINK, might not even be relevant for you

    ***

    i really just said something for my own healing

    i know people in my life that i feel pulled on when they throw what seems to me to be “poor me” stories,

    and i feel kinda like a deer in the headlights when that happens

    the pattern is then i close off, and feel guilty,

    yet i don’t really say how i feel

    so i’m practicing saying how i feel when i’m pulled on

    some of it might be my triggers…

    my voice will get clearer and easier to hear as i get more healed and comfortable expressing myself around this

    I want help, angels.

    Thank you

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:13pm

  356. 356: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon 339…
    I completely agree with you. It feels weird…

    Jeannette….
    No, it isn’t easy, that’s true. But – incurably romantic as I am – love’s better than money. It’s priceless. It gives you a better high than any drug you can buy (unfortunately also a lower low… and withdrawal is terrible). It makes you sparkle like champagne and gives you more energy than anything else I can think of…
    And I mean this is REALLY romantic. You met again after 40 years! Makes you think it’s meant to be, doesn’t it?

    Then again… if he says “marry me” and your first thought is “but you have no money”, then maybe that’s a sign that it isn’t a good idea to marry him. Could be that money would become a constant bone of contention between you. Money problems can ruin relationships. HE might start to feel weird about you looking after him; inadequate even. In my humble opinion, for money not to be a problem between a couple, either both have to contribute equally or both have to not care about it equally. Does that make sense?

    So I would say, think about it. As long as you need! If he’s serious about you, he’ll wait.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:14pm

  357. 357: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – i would not want to do that, marry a man that can’t support himself and half of our household

    A man can find work to support us, even if its some kind of online contract, or filling envelopes and processing medical bills at home.. or something…

    surely he can find some way to support you?

    what does he do to woo you?

    is he the one whos stepping up in other ways?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:16pm

  358. 358: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Frenchkitty that sure is good stuff, thanks again for your input!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:16pm

  359. 359: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Wanna hear something bizarre??

    Whenever I feel like I *might* be interested in someone else, maybe, possibly, *might* —

    I get this twinge of … guilt? …. that feels like I am CHEATING on WH!!!!

    LOL! That’s crazy!

    What’s that about????

    It happened just now. A guy who is the exact same age as WH, and who lives in the same city as WH, contacted me on pof and wants to talk on the phone. I feel a little bit excited about the possibility with this guy, but that weird “cheating on WH” feeling came up immediately!!

    WTF????

    I feel disbelief at myself. And amusement.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:22pm

  360. 360: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette 353…

    You are very welcome. I have to sign off for tonight, it’s 2.30 a.m. this side of the big pond and I will try to sleep now, but I am very interested in how you get on and what you decide, so I’ll check on you tomorrow. Make sure you keep us updated! I wish you the very best, and I’m sure you’ll come to the right decision for YOU.

    Shannon….
    it’s been a pleasure talking to you tonight, thank you!

    All you other sirens…
    Good night and see you soon!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:36pm

  361. 361: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    kim- it’s about Circular Dating.. We’ll help. Forget the men who don’t call. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 5:55pm

  362. 362: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    RE: #340 – My answer is DITTO…

    “I want to be married again but I have a lot more reservations now than I did before. I’m definitely looking to choose the right guy this time. Not just any ol’ man who will have me. If I have ANY reservations at all about a man, I’m gonna pass on that deal. Been there, done that, got that friggin’ t-shirt.”

    I know marriage isn’t floating on a cloud. The part I hate is meeting new men and finding them to be scammers, sex maniacs who care nothing about me as a human being, and *ssholes. And I hate the part where I go to meet each new men trying SO hard to set these limiting beliefs, with my hope in my hand, and finding yet another scammer, sex maniac, or *sshole.

    I understand the challenges of getting along with one person. If I am with the right man, which I will be, then give me the complications over loneliness anyday.

    On my way home, I thought about our discussion, and I decided I am going to take an emotional vacation from dating or trying to. I feel emotionally drained. If a man happens to show me attention and ask me out, I will go. But I am taking myself off dating sites and not making any effort out of my way to be in public and meet men. I am just going to focus on my friends, which include all of you, and my Purpose On the Planet for a while.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:08pm

  363. 363: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Awww! Me too Frenchkitty! I meant to comment on the Simone story. I wouldn’t want to give up love for my “out the window”, although I guess I would if God asked. I felt a little weird reading that she looked after him even while he kept his addictions. I’d prefer the story end with her doing what she loved and losing interest in this man. If she kept him as a friend I feel okay but as a lover, then no. I wouldn’t feel good about that. I believe God wants me to have a wonderful relationship with him and with a man. I don’t sacrifice the one for the other. Make sense?

    I feel intrigued (because it’s unknown to me), what does an existentialist believe? I looked it up on Google but I couldn’t understand what that belief looked like. I don’t want to argue faith here. Just curious to know what that means to you. Thanks! Sweet dreams lovely!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:12pm

  364. 364: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah Brenda! I feel good about your “pause”. Just don’t go hermit on us. Deal? I know we’re good company and all but humans need humans in flesh and blood too. (((HUGS)))

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:14pm

  365. 365: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I don’t sacrifice the one for the other.”

    AMEN!

    That’s what Erika was talking to me about on here last night. Giving up the idea of sacrifice.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:19pm

  366. 366: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #350 – I feel slammed for sure. I feel like striking out. Which is another way to word I feel angry. I don’t like being treated unjustly. I feel safe most of the time to share my feelings but I don’t feel safe right now. I feel angry because I have a right to express my feelings, even if you think they are avoidance and not sincere. I don’t understand that. But I know that I know that I know that I have a right to feel and a right to express my feelings.

    I never said you don’t have a right to feel wounded or sad or hurt. I never said my feelings are more important than yours, cuz they aren’t. I feel like hiding. I feel misunderstood. I feel pissed off. I want healing and I want this to be a safe place to heal. I don’t want you to destroy that belief and hope and want.

    My feelings were stomped on all the years I was growing up. I feel angry being told I am whining. What I hear is, “You don’t have a right to feel pain and sadness. Bottle it up, girl. Pretend you are happy. Smile even if you are crying inside.”

    And all the 25 years of in-and-out therapy I’ve gone through wants to scream at you, “I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS, DAMNIT!”

    I feel weary of being misunderstood and thought the worst of by other people’s limiting beliefs.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:19pm

  367. 367: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yah i don’t believe in sacrifice. or compromise for that matter… but the second one might just be a trigger to the word

    like i used to have to “connected”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:20pm

  368. 368: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, P.S. I love and accept you anyway. I love and accept myself anyway. I love my anger. I love your limiting beliefs. I love my frustration.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:20pm

  369. 369: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, let’s go out again like we did last weekend! And this time not wear our sneakers!! Lol! And I’ll try TWO drinks instead of just one! :) What do you think?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:21pm

  370. 370: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #353 – Thanks for that. I am willing to work this through with you, but only under one condition: that you call me a dork.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:24pm

  371. 371: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I DEMAND that someone comment on my “cheating on WH” post! Haha, just kidding. :)

    I feel interested in any thoughts or insights people might have about it, but if no one feels inspired to comment, that’s okay.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:26pm

  372. 372: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    You’re on!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:28pm

  373. 373: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucille,

    I missed it…what number?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:29pm

  374. 374: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Well, Blondie and I are in the middle of a txt convo that doesn’t seem to be going well…he txted me that he wanted to watch the football game with his dad on Saturday instead of watch the movie we had planned (he’d been lobbying for the football game all along, but I was standing firm)…he said I was welcome to join them, but he understood if I begged off…

    This started a convo where I said I had felt really connected to him yesterday but that I felt a disconnect today. The story is still unraveling, but after telling me for the 2nd time yesterday that he didn’t want to see anyone else, he’s now saying we should keep our options open…this feels bad…I don’t know if he’s reacting to my refusal to become exclusive with him or what, but he’s definitely taking a step back…can I pick ‘em or what?

    The truth is, though, I feel like it’s something I’ve done or said and I don’t know what it is…it’s been almost 20 mins since my last txt and no word back from him yet…I told him that he was the one who volunteered yesterday that he didn’t want to see anyone else, and asked him what had changed since yesterday…I told him that I had been feeling warm and fuzzy about us but now things felt bad…

    I’ve been trying to use feeling messages and be honest about my feelings, but now it seems like it’s biting me in the butt. I feel like I’m never going to be ‘enough’ for anyone — not even people I thought weren’t ‘good enough’ for me in the first place…I feel so bad right now…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:29pm

  375. 375: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette’s situation has me thinking about what my own values are when it comes to this stuff. I feel grateful for the opportunity to get to know myself better.

    I think that we do make sacrifices for the ones we love, but it doesn’t actually occur to us that we’re making sacrifices when we love them to pieces. then they ‘cross’ us somehow and we remember, wait a second, i did a lot of nice things for you that i didn’t have to!

    this happens with my girl friends, male friends, relationships, lovers…

    part of it was me overfunctioning for a long time. so in the end when i felt drained and used and having sacrificed more than i should have, it was because i overfunctioned to keep that person around or to make them accept me or approve of me.

    and now i am learning the difference between a relationship in which i have to overfunction to keep the ship sailing smoothly, and when it’s just a simple conflict or misunderstanding. I am also learning that not all conflicts must be resolved right away, and more over, that conflicts may take a long time to be resolved, but none of this means that i am being wronged in some way.

    i have all the time in the world. i’d rather take time to let negative passions cool down for both parties than risk either of us saying something we’d regret or not being in a place to feel heard on either end. If the love and sincerity is there, everything will be okay:)

    Wow, thanks Jeannette. I feel like I just upped my frequency permanently because your situation got me going towards that place.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:30pm

  376. 376: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – the stuff that triggered/s me didn’t express a feeling. that’s a big part of why it triggered me

    i hear your anger. thank you.

    i also hear some attacks or blame of me

    i feel kinda defensive.

    im willing to speak my feelings nonetheless. i don’t want to feel pulled on emotionally by people’s words

    that feels bad to me

    hearing your actual feelings feels completely different than that

    i would feel happy to be seen as attempting to GIFT you the truth of how i feel

    i apologize again for answering your question “what do you want from me?” in a what-my-voice-says non feeling message way

    i see more and more, from this interaction and one a couple days ago with a gf, that this is not the way to go… even if it’s honest, feeling messages are much better at communicating what i want to express and getting the connection i want

    ***
    i dont want to see you to go around emphasizing how you’re broken/wounded, and blaming people… because it won’t give you the connection results you want (like real feeling messages will)

    and i want you to see you happy

    but that’s about you, and you have your own pace and path

    **

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:30pm

  377. 377: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hugs, renee. thanks for the update <3

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:31pm

  378. 378: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, yes I agree that he needs to help support us better. I have to talk to him about it. But he’s on disability so they won’t let him make a lot of money on it. What does he do to woo me? He’s just the sweetest man in the world and very genuine. He would love me no matter what, if I said yes or if I said no. It’s love Daria, this I know. Only downfall, he’s probably not all that great with money matters, but he did follow his dream of being a musician. Oh well, good night girls and thanks for all your input….

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:31pm

  379. 379: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, #357. :D I feel sheepish.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:32pm

  380. 380: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    awww… thank you! I love and accept you too!!!

    I don’t want to see you putting yourself down or putting your wounds ahead of yourself! that feels bad to me

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:33pm

  381. 381: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    now im curious if putting wounds ahead is somehow healing

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:33pm

  382. 382: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I feel caution when I hear you trying to work out a relational conflict via text. Danger, danger! My inner alarm goes off. Good way for misunderstandings and all. Far better to discuss in person next time you see him, when things are calm. Then you can see his eyes, expressions, instead of guessing what he’s thinking and feeling with each message you send. What if you say, “I feel weird discussing this by text. I’d rather discuss it with you next time I see you. What do you think?”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:33pm

  383. 383: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: Why do you think you got that feeling? re: cheating on WH.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:38pm

  384. 384: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Shannon. Thank you for responding to my demand. :D Lol.

    I don’t know!!! That’s what I am wondering. It doesn’t make any sense at all! But it has happened around 3-4 times, with different guys. Guys I feel a little attracted to, and think maybe there is potential — then WH pops into my head and I think, “Oh no, I can’t betray WH! He is my baby, my love!”

    Huh?????

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:43pm

  385. 385: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — hank you for your concern. He’s suggested that we talk on the phone and is going to call me after he gets finished eating (leftovers from the Chinese dinner I bought us yesterday…I know — it seemed like a sweet gesture at the time, but now I’m regretting it).

    I just feel this whole thing disintegrating, and I feel pretty clueless about what went wrong…I won’t regurgatate what I’ve already covered as to what has transpired, but I knew something was off as of last night when he logged onto Match…up until this point, he literally seemed addicted to me, and now it feels like I’m an “option” for him and that just won’t do.

    I just wish he hadn’t insisted on meeting both sets of parents at the football game recently…now I’m going to have to explain how I effed up this relationship too and I don’t even know why/how. I really just want to cry from shame of my inability to maintain a normal healthy relationship…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:50pm

  386. 386: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    On the one hand, I appreciate that you are trying to help me by telling me feeling messages make better communication. On the other hand, I feel controlled that when I express myself freely, I will be harshed on.

    At the risk of more harshing on, I will tell you what I observed in my beloved Ryan. He has a VERY unique communication style. Parts of it I loved. He was very quiet, and most of the time when he talked, his words were meaningful. If I talked and forgot to be sensitive to him and to two way conversation, he would silently let me go on. He rarely got angry, and the handful of times I saw him angry, he was mostly processing something internally, pounded the steering wheel, and virtually never raised his voice to me.

    Leaning forward, I spoke way to often to fill the silence and break my discomfort. Sometimes I would sing to him to comfort him, because music is very cathartic to him. Only one time do I remember him “shushing” me. We were laying in bed for pillow talk and cuddling, and he softly said, “Shhh.”

    I felt embarrassed and got silent. And stayed silent. And then I felt it. I got into his vibe. It felt so cool, connecting with him in silence!

    I am saying a few things without saying them here. But the one thing I want to draw out directly, altho I feel hesitant, is sometimes it is more effective in the long term to let a person learn by your example, rather than trying to control them. Sometimes I feel controlled when I feel stomped on when trying to use my freeform voice.

    I learn far more from you simply by how you demonstrate feeling messages, riffing, etc. I feel far more receptive then, too. All you need to do is to BE. Just be your beautiful self and we will get a clue.

    What do you think/feel?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:51pm

  387. 387: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I feel compassion for you. I feel sad that you feel shame. I wish I could give you a big hug.

    He is just a CD, right? Would it feel good to think of it that way, and accept whatever is happening as just part of the CD journey?

    If it feels this bad and out-of-control for you, I might (if it were me) consider saying, “I’m feeling confused and it would feel better to not see each other for awhile.”

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 6:58pm

  388. 388: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I want to tell Steve that in order to get married we need to work out some financial issues. I want him to step up and say he would like to try and find a part time job or something to help supplement. He has said he’d like to give guitar lessons. But, as of late, he has been battling cancer and seems to be pulling through. So I guess it’s one thing at a time……

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:02pm

  389. 389: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i actually feel turned off when you use a story to illustrate a point (like this time)

    i feel like im disconnected, and being “led/taught” a little bit talked down to

    i feel good and connected when you use feeling messages

    i feel frustrated that my words were interpreted as “harshing”…

    BUT i feel confident in myself when i express myself in feeling messages, instead of “what lil judgy voice in my head says” – i love you judgy voice –

    and that voice could certainly come across as harshing… even if i give a disclaimer as to where those thoughts are coming from (inner judgy voice)

    i feel a lil pressured to be quiet as well

    and i also feel glad and encouraged by you that I can speak my feelings and speak my truth in this (feeling message) way

    gosh i feel relieved that this possibility exists

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:07pm

  390. 390: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Please be gentle with yourself. Give compassion to your crying heart.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:08pm

  391. 391: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – for me, when i feel that way, it’s guilt because im thinking about what the guy might think/want/feel

    it’s my feeling unworthy and also in his business

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:09pm

  392. 392: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette: How might that look in feeling messages? I can’t get a read on how you feel about all this. It feels really weird reading it.

    Why am I triggered nearly every time Jeannette posts?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:09pm

  393. 393: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    You said, “i feel like im disconnected, and being “led/taught” a little bit talked down to.”

    That is how I feel when I am called on it each time I speak freely and don’t word it exactly as you would.

    And that was my point.

    If I want to tell you about another relationship as an example to illustrate my point, I have a right to do that.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:11pm

  394. 394: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon, can you tell me in feeling messages how I trigger you?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:14pm

  395. 395: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I have felt guilty like I am cheating on Ryan for over a year now. I feel frustrated that I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t be objective about your feeling to comment beyond that. I feel angry at my heart that I can’t let Ryan go. I can’t leave him in the past.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:14pm

  396. 396: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I loved the last part of that message to Daria! Show me how to live by example. LOVE that.

    I feel a little weird when you tell stories about Ryan too, like he’s not a real person or something. Like he’s this mythical being who somehow rescued you from hell. I don’t want to talk bad about him but I certainly don’t want him put on a pedestal. You saved you. He was just there when it happened.

    I feel protective. I shall leave the super hero cap in the closet. For now. :-)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:20pm

  397. 397: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – MY FAVORITE – really struck deep – line from Rori Raye’s program

    “You have the right to talk to me however you want, BUT I DON’T LIKE IT!”

    i’m feeling angry and unheard now

    i don’t want to be seen as “calling you out” when i express that i feel bad reading your non feeling message language

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:21pm

  398. 398: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette: I feel turned off. Like someone is explaining love to me rather than experiencing the joy of it. I don’t want a love that feels difficult, like a math equation to solve. A+B+C = Love – chemistry – passion – joy. Blech.

    When you wrote: Girls, I want to tell Steve that in order to get married… my brain went to the Charlie Brown school teacher… and explaining math.

    Where’s the excitement? Where’s the joy?

    I feel disconnected and angry. I don’t know why.

    Do I do this? Ummm… hello Ms. Rational. Yes, I rationalize the hell out of everything. And it doesn’t work. I want laughter and joy and faith AND love. I will have it all thank you very much. No sacrifice.

    Grrrr. I’ve had so much fun laughing at myself the past couple of hours. I want MORE of that. No more rationalizing. If it doesn’t feel good, stop.

    Thank you Jeannette. This isn’t really about you. I’m sorry to pull you into my own story.

    I want this healed God!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:27pm

  399. 399: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel amused that the first line of my post sounded like a mini story!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:30pm

  400. 400: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I did ok at judo.
    I he was grappling with one of the other women in class and I kept waiting to feel jealous. But I didn’t. Interesting.
    I used to feel jealous about B all the time.
    I was getting some instruction from him and I said “when I do this move I feel vunerable with the ending. I feel unbalanced.”
    He took lots of time to show me how to make the ending more efficient and less unbalanced.
    I felt taken care of.
    This feels calmer.
    I was a little bad. I did say that I needed to go home and get in a hot bath. I looked at him and smiled.
    just a little bad.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:39pm

  401. 401: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon, funny you explained all this here. I was just telling a friend on the phone, I need more faith in my life. It’s been a real eye opener to read your words. I know I have been MS. RATIONEL forever. Thanks again…..

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:40pm

  402. 402: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    He was also doing some leaning forward to make sure I was going to start coming to class twice a week.
    I feel ok about that.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:41pm

  403. 403: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer: “I feel okay about that”.

    Are you feeling feverish? Cold coming on?

    Hold on, hold on…

    Hey ya’ll. Jennifer done got “okay” on us over here. A boy just did some leaning forward in her presence, and she didn’t freak out. No freezing up.

    “I feel a little unbalanced Judo Man. Can you help me?” I can see the eyelash-batting from a mile away and she says she feels “okay”.

    Oh my word. I feel excited. Baby girl is growing into a siren right before our eyes!

    Woohoo!! All that baby step practice appears to be working!!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:51pm

  404. 404: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    RE: #394 – No, Ryan took me to hell. I felt suicidal for two days after his fake proposal.

    Now I feel angry like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I get harshed on if I say how Ryan hurt me and I get harshed on if I focus on his positive qualities. I don’t like feeling unwelcome to express my feelings and thoughts freely. I feel like withdrawing and I don’t know if I want to talk about Ryan any more on here. I feel misunderstood. I feel weary of feeling misunderstood.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 7:57pm

  405. 405: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Shannon…yer a riot.
    There WAS eyelash batting. I bought new Lise Wattier mascara…that’s a high end brand out of Montreal. FANTASTIC lashes.
    If I tell you evertime he grabbed hold of me I think I could hear him take a deep breath cause I put cinnimon oil on the nape of my neck, do I get “Yee Haw ((doubel shotgun blast))?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:01pm

  406. 406: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, RE: #401…smile! That’s sweet! I love how you worded that!

    Jennifer, YAY! Good job, judo woman!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:01pm

  407. 407: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Why am I even talking to you? You haven’t called me a dork yet! :-)

    Seriously, I KNOW you don’t like it. I don’t like feeling controlled every time I open my mouth. I had a whole childhood and into my 20s of that, thank you. I am not willing to be controlled. I am not willing to pet your peeves.

    I use a lot of feeling messages and I want messages. But I find it impossible to do nothing but that. Also, I possess boy energy too, and sometimes I operate in that energy. I feel bad you don’t like it, but I don’t want to change my identity to please you. I like how I am using lots of feeling messages, and I am learning in baby steps. I like feeling messages a lot. I also like to feel free to express myself without premeditating every word.

    I still love you and accept you exactly the way you are.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:05pm

  408. 408: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Renee, I felt really sad when I read what you wrote about “I really just want to cry from shame of my inability to maintain a normal healthy relationship…” I have felt that way so many times. I am in my early 40s and have never been married. I’m attractive, and have a big circle of friends and a professional job (and just finished a yoga teacher training course, which I loved!). My parents and friends are perplexed about my inability to find a lasting relationship. So am I! A part of me feels like they secretly think something is wrong with me.

    Siena wrote something recently about feeling afraid that she’ll miss the chance to have kids, and that’s how I feel. Anyway, I have tried to heal my shame with self-love. I still have moments of feeling like I am fundamentally flawed in some way. Some of us seem to have a more difficult path with relationships. I like to think I skipped my first “failed” marriage and I’ll just have one long beautiful one.

    I love my insecurity, I love my fear, I love my broken heart.

    Big hugs to you Renee.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:07pm

  409. 409: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Brenda – I just emailed you to say I like teaching through or with stories….you told me one my first day here, and I still appreciate it. Daria filled two pages with a story the other day I didn’t even understand. Why are stories now wrong?

    I STILL say every voice should have a place here, your feelings for Ryan were intense, are intense and color your outlook on everything. And feelings are what we are all about here. So for me, I feel I understand. Actually, I feel I understand everyone a lot better after going more into observing the never ending conversation, and am appreciating it all.

    Thanks sirens!

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:10pm

  410. 410: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and I want to heal the limiting belief that I have ” a more difficult path with relationships.” I want to replace that belief with one that says men love and adore and desire me, and the right one for me is just around the corner. Thank you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:12pm

  411. 411: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i feel unheard and angry

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:17pm

  412. 412: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and I’m feeling self-conscious and guilty about talking about first “failed” marriages. Like somehow I’m better because I won’t have one. Ha! I think I say that because way deep down I feel bad that noone has wanted to marry me. Well, maybe a couple have, but I didn’t want to marry them.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:18pm

  413. 413: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel glad i get to practice rejecting the communication that doesn’t feel good here, so that i can have clarity about that in my day to day life

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:18pm

  414. 414: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    J*sus is my ideal man. J*sus spoke in parables.

    I love analogies. I feel frustrated by your limiting beliefs but I love your limiting beliefs. I have learned and gained vast understanding through analogies.

    If you don’t receive what I was trying to say, that’s okay. I wasn’t following my own advice, which is to teach by example, not by telling someone how to do it. I just thought you wanted to become more self-aware. I know it’s hard to receive sometimes tho.

    Sorta like being inside a car when someone tells you your car has a headlight out. You don’t see it, so you say, “No I don’t!” We all have blind spots. And I used another analogy.

    I love myself and accept myself anyway.
    And, I love you and accept you anyway.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:21pm

  415. 415: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – PS – i notice you say stuff about want messages. Rori advocates I DON’T Want messages.

    want messages are ok, but they CAN be controlling/directive depending on the energy

    “I don’t want… ” makes it clear to reject the particular thing we don’t want, while leaving it open to the man to step up in his own way (which may be better than the way we overfunctioningly thought up for him in our want)

    you may already know this… but just for the record for the readers

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:22pm

  416. 416: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel amused. Your words sound like a mirror to me.

    “If you don’t receive what I was trying to say, that’s okay. I wasn’t following my own advice, which is to teach by example, not by telling someone how to do it. I just thought you wanted to become more self-aware. I know it’s hard to receive sometimes tho.”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:23pm

  417. 417: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria loves Brenda.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:24pm

  418. 418: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: Why do you care what I think or what I say? I don’t mean that in a harsh way. I’m asking sincerely. I love you completely Brenda. I feel weird reading 402. It feels small and weak, like you want me to beg you to stay and talk about Ryan some more. A part of me wanted to say “Ok. Don’t talk about Ryan anymore. If it feels so bad to talk about him, why are you doing it?”

    NOTE: I don’t want you to do what I say. I want you to do what you want. We’re ALL processing stuff here.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:25pm

  419. 419: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    umm i feel angry and annoyed

    i don’t like having my words twisted

    stories aren’t Wrong. i felt turned off by the “explaining” using a story … it felt like … well… it felt annoying and disconnected and bad

    that doesnt’ make it WRONG. nothing is WRONG.

    although, if you want it to be: this is a Rori blog, and stuff against Rori’s teaching can be thought of as WRONG

    for simplicity purposes of course.

    jk

    sorta

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:27pm

  420. 420: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria feels angry

    Daria loves Brenda

    Daria feels angry

    i love my anger

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:28pm

  421. 421: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    JENNIFER: 403 – I knew you were my sister from another mother. Hahahahahaha!

    Take that Judo Boy. You are defenseless against my cinnamon stick, I mean, my siren power.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:28pm

  422. 422: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I don’t want to fight with you.
    I don’t want to use I don’t want statements.
    I don’t want to go to bed.
    I don’t want to leave this blog, because I like it here.
    I don’t want Shannon to feel hurt or angry because of what I said. I love and accept Shannon anyway.
    I don’t want to be controlled.
    I don’t want to come up with any more I don’t want statements.
    I don’t.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:28pm

  423. 423: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lakshmi! And it is done! the belief change. Babysteps!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:29pm

  424. 424: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel disconnected from you. I feel mistrustful and afraid of being attacked. I feel unheard

    i feel annoyed, and frustrated

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:30pm

  425. 425: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    what triggers you when someone says “i don’t like this… ” to think that you are being controlled?

    i think this is an important distinction to make

    for me, i feel bad when i hear someone doesn’t like something i say. do i feel controlled?

    honestly, i don’t feel controlled (though i may in the past when i was very intent on pleasing everyone…), i might feel defensive or angry, hmm… i feel confused now

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:33pm

  426. 426: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Jennifer!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:33pm

  427. 427: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I guess feeling misunderstood is a trigger to me.

    There are certain topics I generally don’t discuss with most people. Because I almost consistently feel misunderstood. And that feels draining. I didn’t say that in a self-pity kind of way. I meant it. My thot was okay, if this blog that is for dropping limiting beliefs is going to be as judgmental as people in my every day world, I’ll just keep my garbage to myself.

    I talk about Ryan cuz I still have issues about him and because he is still texting me, which means he is still in my CD rotation, if I understand correctly. And I am still in love with him. I have few people I can talk to about Ryan because most people in my every day world are angry at him about his fake proposal. I used to talk mostly to Kenny about him but Kenny got so angry he wanted to beat him up every time I mentioned his name.

    I feel kinda stuck.

    I love you very much, too, Shannon. I sorry.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:34pm

  428. 428: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline re: 405: I feel amused and slightly offended at the “never ending conversation” remark. Are you writing to tell us you’re not writing us?

    Glad you are feeling better. I feel slightly less punchy when I read your post. Still felt a couple of digs but mostly underneath my trigger radar.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:34pm

  429. 429: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #422 – You said, “Brenda – I feel disconnected from you. I feel mistrustful and afraid of being attacked. I feel unheard

    i feel annoyed, and frustrated”

    Ditto.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:35pm

  430. 430: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Every time I speak in free form to just express my heart at the moment, when you are here, I hear about it. That feels controlling.

    But I love you very much and feel playful when I do stuff like using a bunch of “I don’t want” statements. That is my playful way of saying, “Yes Ma’am.”

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:37pm

  431. 431: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – I felt bad when you said you didn’t understand the stories…

    i feel really angry at you and the way you have been communicating with me

    the story, to give some context, was something that touched me, and that i wanted to have available here to process… tho i wound up processing a lot of it off “paper”

    its the main story of the Goddess Obba

    its from the hmm what would it be called? the religion that worships orishas… originally Yoruba

    it felt difficult for me to process the sadness and betrayal of one sister by another,

    as well as Obba starting to act more and more like a doormat and eventually losing her husband to the actions she took out of anxiety to try to hold on to him

    to me it’s reflective of what I’ve experienced with a man, and what i often see others experiencing on the blog

    i’ve still been touched by it all day

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:39pm

  432. 432: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel attacked by the “yes maam’

    i don’t feel amused. i feel angry.

    i feel angry and i don’t want to be “tricked” into thinking its ok to ‘playfully’ put Daria down subtly

    with the ‘yes m’am’ type of comments

    i don’t like implying im controlling you

    sorry you feel controlled

    i am going to keep saying how i feel, and i would feel happy if eventually i’ll feel heard

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:42pm

  433. 433: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I’m not angry at you at all. I’m cool over here. I’m just telling you how I feel. I own my feelings. You aren’t hurting me or anything. You could tell me to eff off and I’d feel okay. Ya know? I felt more juiced up about Jeannette’s post than yours. I’m just talking with you.

    I feel connected to you reading 425. I just got a glimpse of the whole person again. The one standing in front of me, not the past Brenda.

    I can’t even really explain why. Does anyone else do that from 425?

    Daria: Can you see the difference?

    Maybe the vulnerability of it? I feel different that’s for sure. It feels real. I can understand that loneliness when people are ganging up on me about something I want to talk about. And I stop bringing it up because I’d rather deal with it alone than deal with their judgments.

    I don’t want you to stop talking about how you feel about Ryan. Maybe what bothers me is when you talk about Ryan as if I need to know him. I don’t want to know him. I want to know you.

    I feel confused about what I’m trying to convey.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:44pm

  434. 434: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – it’s not the talking about Ryan thing that triggers me, it’s the putting yourself down and speaking of yourself as “more” wounded than other people

    that’s the part that i feel mistrustful and bad, and pulled on about

    i don’t want to hear about how someone is “more” wounded and therefore in need of attention than say, me, or someone else

    to me we are all humans, and are all wounded

    so that feels like a turn off, like someone implying that they are more important than me (in this case because of wounds)

    i feel stuck and blank. i feel hopeless about being heard

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:46pm

  435. 435: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ok. Night all. I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:47pm

  436. 436: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon….it’s a never ending story because it was going on before I got here, before you got here…maybe before Daira even got here? and it will continue on long after I am gone; I’ve come to enjoy it.

    Daria, I know you were processing but I didn’t understand it or it’s relevance or it’s meaning. I don’t need to. If stories are okay, stories are okay.

    They just need to be okay all the time, just like sometimes explaining is okay and sometimes it’s not – and Rori doesn’t say either way. When I reread hearttools workbook today I was just in awe of what Rori does say, and when I come here – for me, it feels diluted or distorted. Which is fine, I think it’s what she says – in the booklet anyway, is the purpose of the blog.

    So, with that coming from Rori’s intro in her own book in her own program, I really cannot find anyway for us to be here wrong.

    Perhaps a clearer to hear way to say it, was I feel good listening to the stories told here. Instead of being emotionally imbalanced, or invested, I don’t want to feel imbalanced or invested, I want to learn and grow here.

    Night, all,
    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:48pm

  437. 437: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – hmm.. do you understand it’s relevance now, after i “explained” it?

    =D

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:50pm

  438. 438: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Maybe it took some humility for me to accept yet more instruction from you on don’t want messages after I just finished saying I don’t want every word I say to be directed.

    Maybe I am not all emotionally wrapped up in our conversation and feel playful like Shannon. Maybe “Yes Ma’am” is purely playful and not a putdown. Maybe that is NVs. Because it aint’ coming from me. I am not putting you down. I love you and I meant it when I said I don’t want to fight with you. I am really hoping to make up with you and hoping you will call me a dork before I go to bed soon. I don’t like to go to bed with my tummy all kinds of churny cuz someone’s mad at me. That feels awful. I was just tryin to be friendly and funny. I love and accept you anyway. I don’t like it when I am growled at. What do you think/feel?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:51pm

  439. 439: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel put down by the implied i’m controlling you thing in the “yes m’am” i don’t like that.

    I don’t like to be called controlling, whehter it’s covered up by playfullness or not.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:55pm

  440. 440: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    that (the “yes m’am” implied stuff) is exactly the type of “ish” (communication) that i don’t want to tolerate in real life…

    and sometimes i miss standing up for myself because it’s so subtle

    so really i feel very grateful that i get to practice on that here

    yayy!!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 8:57pm

  441. 441: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ps youre a dork

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:02pm

  442. 442: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #432 – I already addressed that directly in #364 – “I never said you don’t have a right to feel wounded or sad or hurt. I never said my feelings are more important than yours, cuz they aren’t. I feel like hiding. I feel misunderstood. I feel pissed off. I want healing and I want this to be a safe place to heal. I don’t want you to destroy that belief and hope and want.

    My feelings were stomped on all the years I was growing up. I feel angry being told I am whining. What I hear is, “You don’t have a right to feel pain and sadness. Bottle it up, girl. Pretend you are happy. Smile even if you are crying inside.”

    And all the 25 years of in-and-out therapy I’ve gone through wants to scream at you, “I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS, DAMNIT!”

    I feel weary of being misunderstood and thought the worst of by other people’s limiting beliefs.”

    I believe every human being is infinitely valuable and precious. I feel equal compassion for the wounds of everyone: Ryan, Daria, Shannon, Jacqueline, Lucy, Rori, Erika, or myself.

    That didn’t come from me that my pain matters more than anyone elses.

    How can I help us get along so I can go to bed in peace? I appreciate you working this thru with open communication. I really am getting tired. I love you and accept you exactly the way you are, as I do myself.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:05pm

  443. 443: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE; #437 – Ok, gotcha. I can see how that yes ma’am implies control. My bad. I don’t think I really meant it that way. If we were in the same room together, as in, if you could see my expression and hear my tone of voice, you may not feel that way. It is something I am in the habit of saying. But you made a valid point, and I will explore that while I lay in bed falling asleep, feeling so happy that you finally called me a dork! LOL! I love you, too, G!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:08pm

  444. 444: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I just processed it. I think yes ma’am is more about accepting instruction gracefully rather than feeling humiliated. It isn’t about control in my heart, I am pretty sure. It’s a way I have used to save face when I feel compelled to do something someone is telling me to do. Can you dig it?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:11pm

  445. 445: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i can dig it, that’s pretty cool processing

    if it were me i would now say.. hey i feel compelled to do what you’re telling me to do

    BUT that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that. lOl!

    i just worked out my 4th day!

    thats an official T-tapp bootcamp

    that means my body is passed over a plateau now!!!

    tomorrow is a day of rest!!!

    and then comes the body Sculpting!

    watch out for me in the pages of Maxxim, King , and FHM

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:42pm

  446. 446: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Wendi Friesen, Teresa Tapp, guy who wrote the get a bigger butt book, and Daria!!

    and everyone else!!!

    thank youuuu

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:43pm

  447. 447: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel really pleasantly surprised at myself.

    thank you me.

    you’ve been doing GREAT

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 9:44pm

  448. 448: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Woah Nellie…

    Everything’s going along great, except that I’ve gotten busy, and we’ve had the most super amazing times, and suddenly I see this morning that my guy has checked his online profile.

    Mmmmmm… he told me the other day that he might want to spend the rest of his life with me…

    I hid my profile a while back because I was being stalked by another guy and I was just tired of it. I didn’t unhide it because I got busy and wanted a little break from dating, plus I was getting into this guy.

    It would seem like such an abrupt change to suddenly unhide it, wouldn’t it? And then what? I did it once a few weeks ago, when this happened before, in the middle of the night, and within ten minutes a guy was asking me for a date. So I hid it again. What would I do with all those other guys that would want to talk with me? I’d be online a lot.

    And then what?

    Both of us have had spouses and partners cheat on us. And I was gonna ride to a conference with a married guy in my car, and he was upset about that, so I cancelled.

    Maybe that’s what did it. It made him feel boxed in, didn’t it.

    Wow.

    Or is it that the closeness is so intense?

    It’s pretty good between us. We’re really liking each other.

    I just went somewhere tonight and he wanted me to call him afterwards. I don’t want to call him right now.

    I want to give up.

    I don’t want to get out there and circular date because it’s so much energy. And I don’t know what to tell all those guys, because I really like this guy. And what about sex?

    I’ve been circular dating the world by being busy with my career and getting with friends and doing stuff. I’m always out and about… but…

    Yeah. I need to figure out how not to be focused on him.

    I just don’t want to contribute to feelings that I might be a person who would fool around. And dating other guys while I’m dating him makes a guy feel like that, doesn’t it? I want him to know that if we were married, I wouldn’t have an affair. Because I wouldn’t. So if I dated other guys now, he might think I would.

    It’s a bit of a dilemma.

    Any ideas out there?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:16pm

  449. 449: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I just read this article on the Inner Bonding website and I feel inspired to share it here. Xoxo

    Are You Sharing or Are You Pulling?
    By Phyllis Stein, Ph.D.
    December 31, 2006

    Those of us who are addicted to trying to get approval from others in order to feel okay may wind up, as I did, having a very hard time. I always knew that whatever I was doing, it wasn’t working. When I did not succeed in getting the approval, the interaction would spiral downhill. I would become more and more desperate, as I tried to figure out some way to act that did not elicit the negative reactions that I was getting. The harder I tried the worse it got. When I began to get help doing Inner Bonding, I learned that what I was doing was called “pulling.” Pulling is when we act like we are sharing, but our intent is to get someone else to make us okay. My little girl generally did not feel okay, because I was not there for her, so I was always looking for that fix. I tried to notice when I was pulling, but my initial reason for trying to notice it was to try not to do it, so I would not get the negative reaction. I could not see that trying to be okay in other people’s eyes, instead of helping my little girl feel okay, was the issue, and that until she was okay because I was there for her, I would continue to pull. I could not recognize how deeply convinced I was that getting approval from others was the only way I could feel okay.

    So, when I thought I was sharing, offering something, a comment, an insight or a joke, I was actually taking, trying to get people to make me feel okay by accepting and approving of me. It was like I was physically trying to pull it out of them. When I thought I was offering something, it was really just me throwing out a fishing line to try to hook the other person into giving me a way to feel better. Only when I began to feel how awful my little girl felt when I did this, and learned that she did feel okay when I was there for her, could I stop pulling on others.

    Recently, I facilitated a phone session with Guy. His experienced paralleled mine. When people did not respond as he hoped and told him that he was pulling on them, he felt confused and picked on and yet he knew there was something important that he was just not seeing. I asked him to go back to a moment when someone reacted to his pulling. He said that he remembered when one woman, Jennifer, was talking about the abusive relationships that she had with different men in her life.

    This was our conversation:

    “I started feeling badly for her because, even though I was not that bad, I had treated women badly. I tried to apologize to her for how she was treated. She said my apology felt “Weird.” And then I felt terrible.”

    “Guy, what were you feeling when Jennifer was talking about these relationships?”

    “I was feeling badly.”

    “Guy, were you feeling ‘badly’ or were you feeling like you were a bad person?”

    “I guess I was feeling like a bad person.”

    “So when Jennifer was talking about her experiences, you were telling your little boy that he was bad. What did you do about feeling like a bad boy?”

    The light went on. “Oh my gosh, I gave my little boy to her! I wanted her to accept my apology so that my little boy would not feel so bad anymore.”

    Guy immediately saw that he had done this over and over again, trying to solve the problem of feeling that he was bad by getting approval from others. He had seen himself as a nice guy, offering his insights and compassion. Now he understood that his intent, rather than to be loving, had been to have control over others seeing him as “good.” He also saw that the little boy who was being told he was so bad was just a terrified child, a beautiful little boy, who needed his love, not something from other people. Guy now understands why people said he was pulling. He is on his way now, able to truly set his intent to learning to be loving to himself rather than learning to get approval from others.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:28pm

  450. 450: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a horrible experience with a guy from pof. I’m shaking. My heart is pounding. It was the guy I wrote about tonight (same age and city as WH).

    He had messaged me on pof and asked to be fb friends (which I did), and he called and left a message on my phone. I wrote him on pof that I MIGHT be able to call him back tonight.

    Well, I just checked pof on my phone and there was a horrible message from him, bashing me for not calling him when he “could see that I had time to log on to pof for hours.” (I was NOT on pof for hours — I did occassionally check in there on my phone to read messages — I’d get on, read a message, then get off. I have no idea what pof said about my “status” — but I know what I did and didn’t do and it’s none of his da*n business anyway!!!)

    So in his message he called me names and ridiculed and belittled me and dissed me and even referred to my kids as “more baggage than SW airlines”!! I feel horrified and so sad that a man would say that about my kids!

    But, I decided to call him to see if I could clear up the confusion around him thinking I was spending all that time on pof instead of calling him (I was actually in bed watching TV and trying to fall asleep but sometimes checking my emails on my phone and reading blog posts etc., which is how I saw he sent me a pof msg.)

    I told him I couldn’t call him earlier, and then had thought after around 10:30 or so, when I could’ve called him, it was really too late to call someone who I don’t know. He blasted me for that. “Don’t give me that BS! You knew I was a musician! Did you even bother to look at my website? You know musicians keep crazy hours! How could it be ‘too late’ to call! You’re a liar and a bullshit*er! In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I am a very smart and articulate man, a college graduate, so nobody’s gonna BS ME!”

    In the pof msg, he said a bunch of horrible things, and I wish I would’ve saved it to show you girls because it was just so horrible — but I hurriedly blocked him on my account and didn’t know that that would delete the msgs he had already sent. It was full of words typed with all caps, and even dumb little things like calling me “country girl” in a derogatory way. :( He ended with, “you snooze you lose. You missed out on a great cosmo guy!”

    I feel violated.

    I feel stupid for letting him on my fb page (he’s now unfriended). But he also knows my full name now, and could find me if he wanted to.

    I doubt he wants to, though, because I think his whole reaction is coming from insecurity — feeling bad about himself, and *imagining* that I wronged him because of his own triggers and then making up “stories” about me so that he wouldn’t have to listen to his NV’s about HIMSELF.

    Big sigh.

    I feel angry. I feel glad I didn’t go out with the guy! I feel glad I didn’t call him earlier, because then I wouldn’t have seen his true colors this soon!! So it is actually GOOD that it happened this way. Everything happens for a reason. God protected me from this guy. (Even though I feel violated now. That will pass.)

    But now I am thinking of WH, and how good and kind he was to me, in all his contacts with me. I wish he would realize he wants me (hehe). Then I wouldn’t have to read garbage and have phone convos like tonight’s with Crazy Piano Man!!!

    I will say I am VERY proud of myself for remaining calm and KIND!! on the phone with him. I was kind to him! Can you believe it?! In the face of a verbal onslaught from this guy on the phone (and you know I’m not a phone person!) — I stayed calm and spoke kindly to him. I feel surprised. He interrupted me as I was trying to tell him what was true about my evening compared to the assumptions he had made…. he interrupted, yelling at me and calling me a liar — so I just said, calmly, “Well, it’s clear that we’re not right for each other. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who can’t even trust me on a basic level. Goodbye.” And I hung up. Then ran downstairs to the computer to get him off my pof favorites list so he couldn’t write a review on my page, and took him off facebook.

    Even though I talked to him calmly, I was shaking and my heart was pounding.

    I feel a little better now, writing this all out.

    I feel sad that it happened. :(

    I want a good, loving man in my life. I want a man I feel safe with. I want him now. Thank you.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:35pm

  451. 451: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow Lucy, what a story!

    i have to laugh at the musician part. i’m still up all night probably because of my years as a musician.

    yes, you did great!

    i’m wondering about FB though… do you often put people on there that you don’t know? i don’t know much about it.

    maybe guys use POF and sites like that like we do here – maybe they allow themselves to “go off” sometimes when they might not do it in person, or if you knew them.

    not wanting to take up for this guy, but i can’t think of any other explanation except that he’s a basic loser.

    i feel sad that it happened, too.

    Lucy! you can have such a great guy! i want you to have the best!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:53pm

  452. 452: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary. I don’t know what to say about your situation, but I want you to know that I hear you and I care, and hopefully some others will have some feedback for you. (I just got out of bed to write about Crazy Piano Man, and am heading back there now.)

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:54pm

  453. 453: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Lucy! I feel icky and disturbed hearing about this guys behavior. I also feel a little compassion for him…sort of. I feel proud of you for the way you handled yourself and also protective and wanting to give you a hug.

    I feel shaky too.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 10:57pm

  454. 454: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Mary, I just saw what you wrote to me. Feels good to read that.

    I don’t often add people I don’t know to fb, but he was like, oh I’m a musician and here’s my website and you can find me on facebook with my name, here it is, and here’s my phone number, and…. I guess he created an illusion of familiarity for me.

    Thanks for your vote of confidence, Mary — that I can have a great guy. <3

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:00pm

  455. 455: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess,

    that was an amazing article.

    thank you!

    i don’t think i’m pulling. i don’t know why, but i don’t… although probably everyone does it sometimes.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:00pm

  456. 456: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, i’m not calling my guy even though he asked me to. why not? i don’t know!

    i don’t want to bring it up to him that i was looking for him on the dating website.

    hmmmmmm…

    what to do now?

    maybe wait it out and see?

    just act like it didn’t happen?

    oh, today he was buy a new shirt, new pants and some new shoes.

    wow.

    and he cleaned out his car.

    just adding it all up.

    but isn’t that just fear?

    why am i so afraid?

    because of R.

    in and out and in and out and in and out ad infinitim.

    i don’t want that any more.

    i won’t have that any more.

    i quit.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:04pm

  457. 457: maryNo Gravatar says:

    he can call me.

    or not.

    it’s all fine, isn’t it?

    cuz there are zillions of guys out there…

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:06pm

  458. 458: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel good watching my puppy run around playing with my neighbor dog that I am watching for a week. I feel so happy that he has companionship and a dog buddy. I feel a little jealous of how much fun he is having.

    I’ve been feeling bored the last few days. I planned to go out tonight with LI and some friends but I cancelled because I feel kinda down from being on my period. I encouraged LI to go out anyway and I felt kinda insecure when he left, he was looking really handsome and dressed up. I feel motivated to refocus my energy on being a siren and cd-ing myself and the world.

    I feel so comfortable with LI. I feel trusting of his love for me but I’ve also noticed some insecurity creeping in on my part. When I met him, I was feeling very goddessy and very much in my feminine energy. I have gotten comfortable lately and am finding myself slipping back into old patterns. I feel confident that I haven’t done anything to lose him but I do feel the need to refocus.

    Hmmm, feeling a little sad and a little bored with my life.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:07pm

  459. 459: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Laughing Goddess. I receive that hug! Feels good, thank you. I feel the protection, too. My siren sisters have got my back. yes.

    I feel a wee bit of compassion for him, too. He must be awfully wounded to react like that. :(

    But mostly I am giving compassion to myself right now. That little “you are hard to love” NV came up for a minute — “well, he’s only treating you that way because you are so darn hard to love, Lucy! Every man will find that out sooner or later.” :(

    I am not hard to love. (At least, not harder than anybody else is.)

    Thanks, LG. I feel your love. <3

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:07pm

  460. 460: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Yup Mary! There are a zillion guys out there and there could be a zillion reasons why he logged on and why he washed his car, etc. It feels bad to jump to conclusions. I feel curious to read a happy ending story for this situation like the ones SS was writing above.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:10pm

  461. 461: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: what if you reframe being hard to live with having a high degree of difficulty?

    That’s a good thing right?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:13pm

  462. 462: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yes, i want a happy ending story!

    i will tell you one tomorrow… or the next day… whenever it happens!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:16pm

  463. 463: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel weird because LI obviously loves me so much and is really in to me yet I have been feeling insecure lately. I feel worried that my insecurity is going to lower my level of attractiveness. I’ve been expressing some jealousy lately which feels icky. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get back to being my rockstar self. I know this guy is super in to me. I also know if something happens and we aren’t together I will still be okay. In fact, it might even be cool because then I would be open to dating this other guy that I have had a crush on for a while. I haven’t felt free to date him because he is a close friend of LI and I and that would just feel weird. I’m feel happy with LI but I’m just saying, if it doesn’t work out I will be okay.

    I am a goddess. Even though I am feeling low at the moment, I am still infinitely attractive and wonderful and loved. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to feel bad. I want to let this go.

    Thank you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:21pm

  464. 464: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Mary: we don’t have to wait til it happens! That feels so exciting to me.

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:24pm

  465. 465: maryNo Gravatar says:

    see,

    there’s a big difference when a man is on an online dating site and when a woman is on one.

    the woman has to be ready to be surrounded by guys with bows and arrows, trying to shoot her down.

    a guy can circle around someone or not, be lazy for a while or not, keep his profile active or whatever and not really have to have a lot of action.

    yes?

    or are there that many women who contact guys these days? (maybe…) i don’t really think so… not as many, anyway.

    but…

    a woman has to be ready for all those arrows. when i did it a couple of months ago, i just filled up my calendar and went out all the time.

    it was fun!

    and i did go out with some guys that didn’t look too promising, but i found wonderful character traits in them and saw myself in a totally different way when i was with them.

    so it was great.

    i could do that again, but i’m really liking this guy.

    i don’t want to be insincere.

    i do kinda want to try circular dating in its biggest, most powerful form, when i REALLY need it. it’s my biggest gun and i don’t want to use it too soon… (and you’re right – i’d rather get the guy without using the big gun… but if i have to use it, i will…)

    but what to do until then?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:26pm

  466. 466: maryNo Gravatar says:

    what do you mean? we don’t have to wait until it happens?

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:26pm

  467. 467: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess:

    i think it’s cool that you told LI to go out! he’ll feel so free that he’ll want to fly right back to you!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:27pm

  468. 468: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary, about not having to wait…I was referring to the happy story Simply Shannon told earlier today in response to Renee’s concerns about one of her CDs logging on to a dating site. She reframed Renee’s story. I felt really uplifted and inspired reading SS’s reframe. I feel weird coming up with negative interpretations of a man’s behavior. Not to say I never do it but when I read another siren making guesses about why a man does something, it feels weird. It like, there could be a million explanations for why a man does something but we tend to believe the worst case scenario. And it feels better to entertain other possibilities that could just as easily be true.

    Like…
    Maybe he logged in to see about hiding his profile.

    Or maybe he was checking to see if I’ve been on.

    Or maybe he was wrapping up any loose ends he had with women he was dating before we became serious. Maybe he’s letting them know he’s not available any more.

    It feels fun to brainstorm all the better feeling possible outcomes.

    :-)

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:51pm

  469. 469: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yes! maybe he’s letting them know he’s not available any more…

    i like that one.

    i’m gonna go to sleep with that one under my pillow!

    thank you, LG.

    i appreciate you.

    !!

    Thursday, 23 September 2010 @ 11:58pm

  470. 470: lmNo Gravatar says:

    lucy,

    he sounds like a guy i dated. everything was about him! ew!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:11am

  471. 471: BozNo Gravatar says:

    Changing my name, not feeling comfortable with my real name and location

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:57am

  472. 472: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Wonders how much friction is generated here on the blog cause the majority of human communication is non verbal (tone, volume, inflection, facial expression) and when that is not available (as in written form) it is perhaps easier to assign meaning to words that reflect inner turmoil?
    Perhaps this is the way the universe shows us the joys of face to face communications….and how best to clarify written communications. Perhaps conflict here is a learning tool.
    Wonders also how much confusion is created cause not every one has the same programs from our dear Rori…perhaps some use tool A) while tool B) would be better suited because they have no knowledge of tool B)
    Wonders how much this friking harvest moon has been effecting my lovely siren sisters this week, as we are all certainly fantastically sensitive and expressive and mostly water.
    Wonders why at 0600 am I feel the need to do so much thinking.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:12am

  473. 473: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    FLIP LIST
    I hate moving…..I can’t wait to get into the new place
    Moving sucks, there aren’t enough people to help me……lots of people will show up to help.
    By the time I pay the heavy movers, I’m gonna be broke…..I get paid friday, I’ll have a couple of bucks left over, mom said she’d get me food for a housewarming…it will be ok.
    I hate the new apt…it looks like the 70’s threw up in there……….this is gonna look SO great when I get done with it.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:24am

  474. 474: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know of any tool to combat people who use our feeling messages to turn to coversation onto themselves?
    Here’s an example…….I was WAY upset with B. I was being triggered big time by some of his behaviour…I said to him “I don’t feel good about myself right now.” To which he replies “I don’t feel good about myself sometimes too.”
    Now I was sooo emotional and exhausted I just walked away from him without talking.
    I was lying in bed last night thinking about what would happen if I was in a confrontation with someone else who did that…..how I would I react.
    Frankly…I don’t know………I assume a strike to the throat is counter productive here.
    My reconnect your relationship is packed. I could use some advice.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:30am

  475. 475: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol Jennifer!

    I feel excited cuz I was talking to this man that I found sexually but not emotionally attractive… And even tho I started heavy on the boy energy, I did share some deep feelings like that I felt nervous around him and not like I could trust him, and about super powers of belief changes…

    And I ended feeling much closer to him… I feel sooo excited!

    I did not think this would happen. I thought it was a wrap. But no, it did happen. And I did not have him pegged as someone who could relate to having magic powers, but everyone latelyvwhen I open up about having magic powers and deep stuff they contribute and relate, making it really cool to interact w people now.

    And we talked about how hw doesn’t believe in takin girls out right away, and how I see it… And at the end he told me I’m a cool friend and he should talk to me more often… Lol… And he’s calling me tomorrow

    This is both exciting and worrisome, again thinking well it’s not gona work out, but look how much it’s already changed !

    I feel excited because he had the mist extremely magical touch of any man yet. Like he barely touched my titty and I felt transported and transfixed

    Bur then he didn’t call me, and I was like aww, he just wanted sex… And then he pops up again calling a week ago after like 2 months. And now I think I “got” him intrigued hehe. I look forward to practicing.

    Ps he is not scared of goin down on women lol

    And he has a car

    I’m gona lean back and remind myself of being in my feelngs, and see if more magical changes happen, or who knows we might really turn out cool friends, I feel open to that I’d it feels good. Tho it would feel nice to have him for romantic practice. Hmmm I choose that ok I choose wat feels best to me. Just stayin open and leaned back

    He’s one of those who triggers me to friend boy mode, so it’s good practice

    I already wowed him there, so I am going to show him mire goddess

    Ooh I feel glad and excited! The energy Bren u’s hella changed and I feel heart connected now… Which is what I told him I needed for sex! That lil divine creator! He’s making it happen now.

    Ohh and he has his own spot

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:37am

  476. 476: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer -yes! It’s what I’m gonna be using

    It’s called outgirling, and the way it’s done is that when man says feeling message, we say ohh, aww, waterer small sound and then we share our feelings . We share ours even more! Dont let him throw u off from focusing on you! Feeling feeling feeling.

    Ps when I first started doing this, I’ve been able to keep all men nterested using it. It’s huge.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:41am

  477. 477: BozNo Gravatar says:

    OMG been on the Aussie paid dating site for about 2 hours up and running and had 2 winks from guys ……….arrgghhhh……..man oh man you have got to be kidding me, Rori I just can’t do this CD’ing with such unattractive men…………..sorry but I can’t do this thing without some glimmer of hope……..it makes me feel downhearted and blue that “this” is all I can attract…….is this about ME and all I am capable of attracting????

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:42am

  478. 478: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Ex… After b said that… Ohh … I feel sad.

    When u get really basic feeling with it, men usually don’t dare to follow that deep lol.

    Tho don’t put it past them … He might say me too.

    Then you . Pause. Check your feelings. Share. Mm in feeling kina angry now.

    Etc.

    If he’s using feeling messages, u use them more. Just make sure you’re pausing to check your real feelings, not what u think u feel based on a past pattern- bec patterns get healed and unraveled this way.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:46am

  479. 479: BozNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, maybe it is about ME………is this the best I can do because I don’t REALLY believe I deserve more and not to be horrible about these 2 guys…….BUT ya know…….friggin’ hell if this is the best I can do, maybe I should just take myself off to a nunnery…..I feel like crying now, I feel sooo vulnerable and out there and exposed on this paid dating site, and all I got tonight on the other site, ya know POF was some guy who keeps on at me, a LOT, this is his latest message to me:

    NICE BODY ,OMFG

    BUT he has long ginger hair in curls kinda like King Charles II for those of you history buffs LOL! :D

    I feel like laughing at my own jokes and crying at the same time, when you are young the world is your oyster, the available men are like an OCEAN, but as you get older the water keeps shrinking until it is a lake, a pool, a pond, and at my age like a freakin’ hand basin in the washroom…….

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:05am

  480. 480: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Um, Jennifer…

    When I read this:

    “I said to him ‘I don’t feel good about myself right now.’ To which he replies ‘I don’t feel good about myself sometimes too.'”

    I thought: how sweet. how empathetic. how understanding. he’s making it okay for you to feel bad about yourself. it goes beyond hearing that you’re saying a feeling message and it’s listening to the YOU talking about feeling bad about YOU. and making it okay by saying he feels the same way sometimes about himself.

    that’s the way i read it.

    but i get it that he could have asked you more questions about that.

    yes, questions are good!

    thank you for that comment. i think i might do that empathy thing with others. questions and just listening would be better. thank you!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:45am

  481. 481: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    And then if the conversation doesn’t change…

    I feel bored.

    Walk away.

    Jennifer: I’m with you on this outgirling thing and shutting down though. It feels frustrating when a guy doesn’t pick up the oars.

    The weird part is that I’m expecting him to take care of me. that is what I want but is it? I take care of me.

    so maybe the thing I might be feeling is amused that we both feel bad.

    “Oh I feel amused that we both feel sad. We’re a riot a minute us two. What do you think?”

    Or

    “Oh I feel weird. We’re both sad. Boo. I don’t want to feel sad. What should we do?”

    Or

    “I feel glad knowing I’m not the only one who doesn’t feel good about themselves all the time. Makes me feel more normal. Thank you.”

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:35am

  482. 482: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha! Mary just said the same thing I was thinking towards the end. I didn’t see that until I started writing out the options.

    Thank you Mary!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:36am

  483. 483: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    And Mary, I had/have the same thing happening with Mr. Fab Kisser. He never took his profile down (even though mine was hidden all along). I knew he was checking. I asked him about it. He said he was looking to see if he knew anyone on there. I still didn’t feel good about it but it’s not my place to tell him to get off there if we’re not exclusive.

    NOW I know I would probably say I feel a little insecure that him being online still. I’m wondering who he is talking to and what he is doing. And that I trust him to tell me if anything in our relationship status changes so that I’m not surprised. If there’s someone he’s attracted to and wants to go out with, I’d want to know that so I can take care of me. Read: circular date.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:39am

  484. 484: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #443 – You said, “if it were me i would now say.. hey i feel compelled to do what you’re telling me to do.”

    But I DID do what you were telling me to do:

    #420 – I said:
    I don’t want to fight with you.
    I don’t want to use I don’t want statements.
    I don’t want to go to bed.
    I don’t want to leave this blog, because I like it here.
    I don’t want Shannon to feel hurt or angry because of what I said. I love and accept Shannon anyway.
    I don’t want to be controlled.
    I don’t want to come up with any more I don’t want statements.
    I don’t.

    I was actually doing that to reinforce that idea in my mind, which I like, in addition to being silly and seemingly rebellious. **eh-eh!**

    #436 – I said:
    “I don’t want to fight with you.
    I don’t like to go to bed with my tummy all kinds of churny cuz someone’s mad at me.
    I don’t like it when I am growled at.”

    You’re a dork.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:59am

  485. 485: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Boz – patience, please. And – great photos and profile. If you need help with that, let me know…I’ll send you to my assistant who does profiles…as you feel better and happier, better men will show up. Love, Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:33am

  486. 486: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lucy)))

    RE: #449 – What a nightmare CD contact! I feel shocked that any man could be THAT nasty to a woman he doesn’t even know! Sickening! I feel sad you had to go through that.

    He is a case in point as to why I am going to take a vacation from CDing. I really hope WH shows up. He sounds like a dream compared to AH. Yeah, you got it: *sshole. Naughty Bren!

    I’m praying for you, Lucy!
    Love,
    Brenda

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:01am

  487. 487: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary and Shannon – regarding Jennifer’s post. Initially I read his response “i don’t like myself sometimes too” as empathy as well.

    But since Jennifer seemed to feel really triggered by this, I started trying to imagine how it might have been:

    and i imagine that he said it to her much more meanly

    in the spirit of,

    “so???”

    as in,

    “so? I feel like that about myself too”

    and that would have felt awful…

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:06am

  488. 488: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – what i meant when i said that was that, when i do processing and discover i was using certain words (like ye’s ma’m)

    to actually mean a feeling (i feel compelled)

    i then excitedly change the next time to expressing the feeling instead – so that i can be authentic and my words can express my feelings clearly

    therefore clearing the triggering communication confusion (ie using yes m’am to mean i feel compelled)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:09am

  489. 489: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria :)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:12am

  490. 490: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nikita!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:19am

  491. 491: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    So…had a long talk with Blondie last night. It was difficult at times and I didn’t always use feeling messages, but it ended up ok, I guess.

    Turns out he started having doubts Thursday night (my intuition was telling me something was off and I was right!)…he started thinking about some of the possible challenges with us and frankly, judging me some…mostly for being a smoker (albeit one who’s quitting) when my profile says I’m not, thought I explained to him that when I filled it out initially, I had quit so I was intentionally misleading anyone. I also lied initially on my profile about my age, and the combination of these 2 things had him worrying about my honesty level. We talked about the fact that I had always been truthful with him in person about everything we discussed and he said he believed that was the case, but this is still hanging in the back of his mind…

    He also started having doubts because at one point, he had asked me if, in my ideal world, I would prefer dating someone who had children or not and, answering honestly, I said in a perfect world, I’d prefer to date someone without children. But I added that I felt like having children gives men a certain sense of maturity that you don’t get with men who are childless, so it was a trade off either way. But he was choosing to focus on his perception that I didn’t want to deal with his kids.

    The other thing he mentioned was that his work schedule was such that he was unavailable to see me some weeks except on weekends and I had remarked at one point that this felt like a long distance relationship (he travels about every other week for work for 2 or 3 days and then has his girls the other 2 or 3 days of the week). So his perspective was that I was going to be unhappy with his work/family obligations.

    And this is where all of his “keeping our options open” crap was coming from…him over-thinking the possible challenges we faced…I know Rori says explaining ourselves isn’t the way to go, but I felt like I had no choice but to explain my complete thoughts on these topics instead of leaving him with incomplete perceptions of where I was coming from.

    For a while, he was talking about taking a “pause” with the two of us and I don’t actually even remember what I said in response. He then asked me if we took a pause, if I would take his call after that and I told him I honestly didn’t know.

    So after talking around the issue for a while, he ended up asking me if I would come watch the game with him and his dad or if he could see me after the game…I told him that seeing the game wasn’t a priority for me (which he knew) but that I wanted to spend time with him, so if that meant watching the game, then that’s what we’d do.

    So at this point, I feel good that I didn’t “lose him”, per se, but now I’m kind of feeling like I gave away my power. He txted me a sweet good morning msg and we’ve txted a bit today (a lot of it sexy msgs), but I don’t know how to get him back to the place where he was adoring me.

    I feel like writing him a message about the idea that we’re all flawed human beings and we all want someone to accept us as we are, warts and all. Despite his flaws, I’m coming at this with an open mind and open heart and if this is going to work out, I need him to do the same for me. Give me the benefit of the doubt, in other words.

    I also don’t know about watching the game with him and his dad on Saturday…he said he feels obligated to watch the game with him because he gave us his football tickets the weekend before and this is one of the few things they do together to bond, but it seems like now he’s in a position where he’s getting to have his cake and eat it too, and I don’t like that.

    Can you think of a feeling message I can send him right now? I don’t want to send him any more sexy messages today…that would feel like using my sexuality to draw him to me, and that’s not enough.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:34am

  492. 492: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I’d say you shouldn’t text him anything right now. Why? Because it seems all about him. Texting him will only make you even more worried about his reply. You need to calm down first.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:16am

  493. 493: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #487 – Yes, totally agree. I have been making many, many of those changes in my every day speech! I love the transformation I am seeing in all my relationships! I love becoming my best self!!

    I change me.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:23am

  494. 494: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Thank you for sharing. How do you feel right now?

    How about this…

    I believe Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. I love you.

    What do you think?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:30am

  495. 495: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I was just chatting with Bill in the kitchen at work. He choked a little bit and was coughing off and on for a couple of minutes. I said, “I could use the Hiemlich Maneuver on you. Then it would give me an excuse to give you a hug!”

    He ignored me, the stinker, and I said, “Yeah, go ahead, ignore me!”

    He just smiled and went back to our main topic of conversation.

    I know and I knew I was leaning forward. I figure he’s gay, so who cares? I wanted to practice flirting instead of leaning back. He is such a nice man!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:35am

  496. 496: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Good afternoon!
    @ Renee – I got a blurb letter last nite from someone who talked about self doubt or getting off track, etc. and how what it is is that they pull away to evaluate the relationship, and we freak, and try to pull them back and ergo! there’s their PROOF of how we’re going to be devolving crazy women. I HATE it that this is happening to you, yesterday was like torture for me to hear about it – you are so much better than that. But wasn’t he fallback guy for the one you liked better? Either way, sorry! My guy smokes and he said he didn’t and it is awful, but we’re still together after a year. I can’t fault him for something he so obviously can’t stop.
    I hope you can just ignore him for a little while, and HE can come to his senses??!!

    and @ Lucy, – that is AWFUL. MY Gosh, okay so he’s messed up a lot of online guys are – but to come at you that crazy and agressive?!!! I don’t think that means he’s gonna show up at your doorstep, but it does illustrate the one huge pitfall of online dating to me – no way to really know WHO you’re talking to. Hope you feel better!!!

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:36am

  497. 497: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lucy)))

    Yes, you are very easy to love! What’s not to love!?

    I love you, beautiful Siren!

    Brenda

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:38am

  498. 498: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    OH! I fogot why I was going to post – regarding devolving, Jonathon part I is up on my site – and it’s what he starts with, he’s got a lot of interesting groups of 5 things for compatability, choosing your best match, growing the relationship etc. Don’t know how or where he got all the 5 categories thing, but it’s interesting and I don’t know – I’d really be happy if you would tell me your opinions on what he says? not sure if it’s deep or glib?

    How does it resonate to you all? It feels like something’s missing to me – and wow! was it ever a lot of work! for it to feel missing…

    sighs,
    J

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:39am

  499. 499: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daisy,

    RE: #474 – You said, “Ooh I feel glad and excited! The energy Bren u’s hella changed and I feel heart connected now… Which is what I told him I needed for sex! That lil divine creator! He’s making it happen now.”

    Huh? I don’t understand that…will you please explain what you meant?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:45am

  500. 500: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boz,

    RE: #478 – You are seriously funny! Even in your sadness! I love that last sentence about men drying up the older you get! Are you a writer?

    Give it time and patience…You don’t have to date the first one…or the second one…etc. One day the right man will come along, and your life could change in one hour!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:50am

  501. 501: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am burnt out. I literally cannot squeeze another drop of work out of me. But here I am, at the office where such bullsh*t is required of me.

    ummm i’m not sure what to think or do or feel.

    in other news, LI brought me some really beautiful flowers:). I feel special

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:54am

  502. 502: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Dorothea)))

    Someday the world will thank you, just as it did Rosa Parks for staunchly sitting in her front seat on the bus…

    Love,
    Brenda

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:56am

  503. 503: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I think that text is a bad idea. It feels silly and stupid and manipulative and like begging for the guy to say “I love you too”. I don’t like it.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:56am

  504. 504: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell and all — I guess I felt like I should send him a message because he txted and emailed me last and I haven’t responded to either. Yesterday, everyone was telling me I shouldn’t wait to respond and that I should respond right away, and now everyone’s telling me not to respond at all…it feels very confusing. I get the point that right now, it’s all about him and I don’t want it to be…that’s why I was tempted to send a feeling message of some sort — to make it about me again.

    Guess I’ll just wait until he writes again to ask how my day was or something…but at that point, what do I say? I’ve got a couple of good news things about work to share, but that’s not the kind of stuff that brings people together, you know?

    Interesting development, though…he took his Match profile down either late last night or sometime this morning…

    If I had been keeping my calendar more full with other cd’s, I wonder how I’d be feeling about all this right now. Impossible to say I suppose. I’m writing a couple of drs on eHarmony that I find somewhat intriguing…I’m definitely going to keep my options open for these two and see what develops…

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:57am

  505. 505: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Jason just posted did Jonathon really say don’t get fat? and ummm, yep, he did. He actually said, menopause was an excuse look at Michelle Pfeifer – and I said, no cuz then you’re looking at what money can BUY vs. personal development and willpower.

    Then I realized it’s kind of like what I wrote Renee – they are evaluating us in fear of us devolving….even women know it.

    But every man I’ve ever dated changed – esp. after the three month mark….and hell, well, actually now I do – evaluate them for possible change.

    So I don’t know – what do you all think? Is menopause an excuse and Michelle an attainable goal?

    And I feel okay writing about this cuz Jonathon said he likes controversy/ I told him his yesterday’s woman was unflattering and sounded like day old bread and he was like well, that’s OKAY!! CONTROVERSY? is cool. Love it…

    wow, how guy-ish, and I was trying to be gentle….ha ha…..

    I don’t get that he’s all about looks anyway, but the whole thing is such a disconnect from what I hear/see as the real concerns here….

    trying to figure it out,
    J

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:57am

  506. 506: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    504: Jacqueline

    Jacqueline and I get into this topic on my blog too.

    http://www.attractthemanyouwant.com/2010/09/flawed-study-when-it-comes-to-casual-sex-men-arent-so-picky.html

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:11pm

  507. 507: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline — Interesting article. It would have been helpful to delve a little more into the 5 various things, but it was decent as it was.

    Lucy — What a nightmare cd! I had a guy chew me out once over my decision to no longer pursue something with him because he revealed he was an alcoholic and when I leveled with him and told him that was the major factor in my decision, he totally chewed me out, but it doesn’t sound like anything compared to the whacko you just dealt with!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:11pm

  508. 508: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Renee, I held back posting yesterday because I wanted to see what advice you’d get. I didn’t get all the go for it and texts stuff; if he’s indicated he’s evaluating you and you’re going to pass – ie the non profile, you’ll pass and he’ll come after you with a vengence. And yeah, I love the CD keeping us out of this, but it’s hard to do. If you want to make it about you, go for it. I’m not sold on either option with it, it feels very weird, esp after such easy and obvious development all this time….thanks for sharing with us.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:12pm

  509. 509: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee – you know he just doesn’t delve…I pulled more out of him, tho – Part II goes up Monday; thank you for commenting on the writing, as that’s the only part I can control.
    xo….

    @ Jason, I totally never got the laser comment til we talked more, and boy! I do now – Jason is a laser guys…well, girls…lol….
    I really like and learn so much at what is the assumption here? he does!!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:14pm

  510. 510: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I also want to say, tho – he feels like he’s got a heart of gold, Jonathon in wanting to help, I had to laugh and ask him if he was interviewing me? He definitely wants to help women!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:24pm

  511. 511: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline — re#507: I feel like I’m reading a foreign language in that post — I didn’t really understand what you meant, especially in the last half. If you have time to elaborate, that would be great, if not, I understand.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:28pm

  512. 512: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    lol…yeah, I was dashing writing. Okay, I agree with that email I got that said he is at this point pulling back to evaluate you.

    Are you still evaluating him? Because at first I thought he wasn’t all that for you.

    If you want it to be about you, write him – heck, even ask about the match profile.

    If you want to let him evaluate, ignore him. IF his evaluation is positive he will then come swooping in on you wanting more than he ever has; he will have decided to act on the FUTURE.

    CD’ng is supposed to keep us evaluating and busy while they are evaluating, IMO.

    I am surprised at this development since you aren’t at the three month mark, are you? and he seems to have pushed it. From your most recent posts I thought you were moving at a great pace to develop a good relationship. Is that how it felt to you?

    I didn’t comment yesterday, because I am waiting to see what everyone else offers and how that turns out for people. I am not a tool expert, I only offer my personal advice. And that’s kind of an issue people have with me here, so I’ve become more interested in listening to the stories.

    Thanks for telling me it didn’t make sense – when/if you see me writing like that it is because I’m totally in my head rushing through what I think and something else is needing to be done; kind of like I’m stealing time from real life, and guilt typing fast.

    Smile, and support to you!

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:38pm

  513. 513: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #502 – I feel yucky reading your post. I don’t want to be judged.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:42pm

  514. 514: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – about who pays on dates….

    oh, yeah! that’s a huge one for me – the who pays thing. I never once offered to pay; I mean I might have got my own cup of coffee, but they all asked me out, so I went with they paid; but I made it cheap date on purpose so even if they paid I didn’t feel obligated. If it’s a real meal – like above $30 I will offer to tip – esp. that way it avoids the what if they don’t tip well issue, although that, too, is something I want to know.

    Men don’t seem to see it that way? Or they just don’t want to go broke dating?

    It’s a hot button, for sure. Jason will know more about it, I think he and I discussed it. But then Jason wants to do the planning, which would implicate him in paying?

    It’s one of those confusing new generation of women things to me.

    Thanks everyone, I’ve gotta go do real life chores but I feel very honored to be part of the story here!

    Hugs,
    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:43pm

  515. 515: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    How do you feel about Blondie and your relationship?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:54pm

  516. 516: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I feel sad that you’re feeling judged when you were only trying to help me. I didn’t feel comfortable with that feeling message either, especially since I’m not in love with him at this point, but I appreciate your effort.

    I know you said you were taking a cd break, but I was curious as to how things were going with the restaurant guy? He seemed like an intriguing possibility…what do you think?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 12:59pm

  517. 517: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    513: Jacqueline

    Actually, it’s very simple. You as the woman can choose whether you want to use masculine energy or feminine energy in the case of paying for a date. If you want to use feminine, let him plan and pay for the date and see how you feel about it. If you want to use masculine, then offer to split or offer to plan to keep the date cheap, as Jacqueline suggests. You will affect the nature of your interaction with this new man based on which approach you use.

    The feminine approach will be more attractive to a guy who’s more in his masculine energy. The opposite is true too. It all depends on what you’re looking for in a man. If you choose your approach from the outset BEFORE you meet the guy, then you are taking a stand for what you want. This is your most confident approach. If you CHANGE your approach after you meet the guy, then you are compromising what you want in an effort to appease him or make the situation go more smoothly. That’s my definition of being needy.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:08pm

  518. 518: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — Our msgs crossed in cyberspace:-)

    I feel like I’ve lost a big chunk of my power with Blondie, though the fact that he’s taken down his Match profile is definitely encouraging to me. But I feel like we’ve shifted from me evaluating him to him evaluating me, and I don’t like that feeling…I feel like I’m being judged and that doesn’t feel good.

    When I think back on how things developed with us, I see that I was judging him quite a bit at first, but continued to go out with him mostly because he was nice enough and was really into me and my relationship with cougar man was winding down at that point…but last weekend, I just started looking at him in a different way and started accepting him just as he is with an open heart. I guess I was still evaluating him, but I wasn’t judging him so harshly.

    I feel like I want to regain my power, but I’m a little hesitant to date others right now because that was a little of what triggered his stepping back to evaluate me in the first place. It feels like 2 days ago, I had him exactly where I wanted him, but now things have shifted. They don’t feel bad like they did yesterday, but the power has definitely shifted. How do I regain my power?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:09pm

  519. 519: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ok — after I didn’t respond to his last txt msg this morning, he just sent me another one to check in w/me and see how I was. I could just go with the standard work crap, but that seems kind of pointless…what do you think?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:12pm

  520. 520: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel guilty for not feeling guilty that LI who makes 1/3 what i do always pays for everything ever, except for when i insist really hard.

    it wasn’t always like that. for the most part he paid but sometimes it would come up when he didn’t step in to pay for something, but I always said it made me feel bad, and we ended up working it out. For a long time, money was an awkward topic for us. But we just kept communicating.

    I refuse to pay for my own courtship, and I reserve the right to feel pissed and turned off if a man won’t buy my coffee or ice cream, even if it was my idea. That stuff is cheap and it’s a lovely gesture for a man to pay for them. If dinners are too expensive to be his treat, he should cook for you at home or take you for something besides dinner.

    I think it also helped that I shared with him my list of fun stuff to do under $5 dollars. You ladies can read it here:
    http://pralaapa.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/come-on-get-happy-for-5-or-less/

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:21pm

  521. 521: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I can see that you’re feeling confused.

    You could tell him the truth – you feel happy to hear from him, yet you’re feeling confused after what’s been said between you two over the last couple of days and you’re not sure how to just carry on like normal, and what does he think?

    “I feel happy to hear from you, yet I’m feeling confused after all that’s been said between us over the last couple of days and i’m not sure how to just carry on like normal. what do you think?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:24pm

  522. 522: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    519: Dorothea

    I just commented on your blog. Once men actually get that it’s not about the amount spent on the date but the quality of the interaction, then we’ll start to have Courtship 2.0.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:30pm

  523. 523: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Here are some feeling messages I saved from previous posts on the blog. Some are not immediately relevant but I figure you can tweak them if you like the basic structure. See if any of these resonate with you:

    feel so happy to see you but … I also feel scared. A LOT has happened.

    I’ve worked SO hard to get where I am. Sigh. It feels so good to hear from you but inside I feel trembly and scared of being hurt again.

    I feel confused about Wednesday and Thursday, and I don’t want to wonder about it…what happened?

    Siena:
    “I feel bad. I heard you say XXX, and I feel let down.”

    Shannon:
    You know… I feel unsure bringing this up but… when you said you’d XXX and then didn’t, I felt really annoyed. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it when I feel so good with you normally. What do you think?

    Shannon:
    I feel weird. I felt excited that we were going to XXX and when we didn’t, I felt disappointed. I would feel happy to talk to you and meet. What do you think?

    Hey thr, sorry for the delayed response. I was feeling angry and confused because we did meet up last night like we usually do & I wanted to feel more collected before I touched base with you. I know I hv communicated w/anger before and I did not want to do that because it causes distance and is not helpful. I feel like we are not connecting very well these days, and I really miss that. Do you think we find a way to remedy that? What do you think

    babe, I starting to feel pms-y and I feel irritable. I feel scared that I’m going to snap at you and we’re going to get in a fight. It would feel so good to have some help with this. I’d like to ask that if you do notice me being bitchy please just let me know and don’t go into fighting mode with me. I will do my best to stay open to your feedback at the time and catch myself

    1. Hey thr, I wasn’t feeling good last night & I wanted to feel better before I responded to u. I know I hv communicated w/anger towards u before & I always feel awful after. I didnt want to do that this time. I’m still learning & I feel unsure of how to reply. I feel great when I’m w/u. And it makes my day to hear from you..I guess I was feeling sad b/c I wanted to see u last nite. I miss u. I miss feeling close to u & I feel we’re not connecting very well these few days. Do you think we can find a way to remedy that? What do u think?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:39pm

  524. 524: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda RE: #512

    It’s not the first time you say I make you feel yucky. What do you want me to do? I’m not responsible for the way I feel. And I feel like you’re trying to outgirl a girl. That’s not nice.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 1:45pm

  525. 525: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh Ragnell one things that really gets me is when girls try to outgirl me. I don’t like being treated like a man. It’s like, I’m not courting you, and I’m not going to step up because you’re having a bunch of ‘feelings’ while you ignore all of mine.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:02pm

  526. 526: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I feel confused and weird about the “pause” comment. That would have me tapping the brakes pretty hard.
    Reasons to pause –
    Him: You’re a smoker.
    You: But I’m not I’m quitting.

    Him: You don’t like children.
    You: But I do like children.

    Him: My work schedule is crazy. I’m not sure where you’ll fit in.
    You: But I’m okay with your schedule (re: crumbs).

    He totally managed down your expectations. And invited you to a game you know you don’t want to watch.

    And you said yes!

    GRRRR. We are taking back the power Siren!

    Me replying: “I’m feeling weird after our conversation last night. It would feel good to see you but I don’t want to watch the game. Maybe some other time?”

    And then I walk away and do whatever feels good to me. Circular date every man I see.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:05pm

  527. 527: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell: What would you say in response? How would you feel in Renee’s situation? I’d feel a lot better knowing how you would feel rather than hearing you tell a fellow siren that what she said was stupid.

    And I just got convicted because I think that’s what I just did to Renee without saying the word “stupid”. I’m sorry Renee! I feel bad. I don’t want to sound harsh and I think that’s what I did. Oops.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:17pm

  528. 528: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #523 – “silly and stupid and manipulative and like begging” are judgments, not feelings.

    Feelings are sad, mad, glad, afraid, angry and related stuff. You said my suggested message felt silly and stupid and manipulative and like begging. That doesn’t say how YOU feel. YOU don’t feel silly. YOU don’t feel stupid. YOU don’t feel manipulative. YOU don’t feel like begging.

    I don’t care that no one preferred my suggestion. It was just an idea. But I don’t like to be criticized and judged. It feels awful. What do you think/feel?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:22pm

  529. 529: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello girls! I’m back again to put in my tuppence worth…

    Shannon! Are you there?
    I just read your last response to me from last night. First of all, just to be clear, I wouldn’t call myself an existentialist and I’m no expert on the subject, but both Sartre and Simone are icons of existentialism. I have found this definition…

    Existentialism is a term applied to the work of a number of 19th- and 20th-century philosophers who, despite profound doctrinal differences,generally held that the focus of philosophical thought should be to deal with the conditions of existence of the individual person and his or her emotions, actions, responsibilities, and thoughts. The early 19th century philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, posthumously regarded as the father of existentialism, maintained that the individual is solely responsible for giving his or her own life meaning and for living that life passionately and sincerely, in spite of many existential obstacles and distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom.

    Subsequent existentialist philosophers retain the emphasis on the individual, but differ, in varying degrees, on how one achieves and what constitutes a fulfilling life, what obstacles must be overcome, and what external and internal factors are involved, including the potential consequences of the existence or non-existence of God. Many existentialists have also regarded traditional systematic or academic philosophy, in both style and content, as too abstract and remote from concrete human experience. Existentialism became fashionable in the post-World War years as a way to reassert the importance of human individuality and freedom.

    As for me, I’m a classic agnostic, coming from a religious (but progressive) roman catholic background.
    I see what you mean about Simone looking after Sartre, and again I’m not an expert on them either, but they have been held up as the classic alternative relationship in which both partners remained free, as opposed to a conventional marriage. What I know is this: they met when they were both quite young, and they maintained a relationship up until his death. Philosophie, letters, and a common shared mindset seems to have been more important in that than sex, although they certainly were lovers (and sometimes shared other lovers). And apparently, even though he bedded a neverending succession of women, there was a certain time of day which was exclusively reserved for the two of them.

    What I love about her is that she appears to have found a life that was entirely her own, and found happiness in that, without having to give up the man who she obviously loved, and he loved her too. I think she saw him for who he was and she let him be that and loved him anyway and never lost him, but she loved herself more and didn’t lose herself either. So I think she could look after him without this being a sacrifice. She was just stronger than he was. (Now I could get on my soapbox and say OF COURSE she was. We’re women. We ARE stronger!!!)

    I love this idea… that people can be free and still unconditionally love each other. (That’s actually what I’ve been trying to communicate to Monsieur Catastrophe, but I don’t think he believes me…)

    Jeannette….
    are you with us? Would love to hear from you again! Sorry if you’ve posted already and I haven’t seen it, there are too many new posts to read them all!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:22pm

  530. 530: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    In my brain I was thinking of how often I’ve done this. Guy tries managing down my expectations and *I* tell HIM why I’m okay with it.

    Him: You want to do XYZ even though you know I hate it.
    Me: Oh that’s okay. I’ll even tag along with you.

    Darn it. So my intentions felt good but my delivery feels bad now when I read it.

    Baby steps.

    Reframe: Renee, I’d feel pretty awful if a guy said he wanted to take a pause and then articulated why. I would want to say “I feel awful hearing that you want to take a pause. I feel okay continuing to date others. I don’t want to pressure you. What do you think?”

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:22pm

  531. 531: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – lol, I was thinking about your list when I was at the auto parts….if you want to post it or put a link to it in comments, feel free. It’s the best list EVER!!!

    @ Jason – yeah for courtship 2.0!

    Flowers x 2 2 u 2day….

    J

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:23pm

  532. 532: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    RE: #525 – I really like that. You are so good at feeling messages!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:25pm

  533. 533: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty, Thank you! I feel very interested in Simone after reading your description. Sounds like she didn’t think about this man at all until he showed up in front of her. And she accepted who he was, even the not so wonderful parts. Very intriguing indeed. I’m not so sure that I’m evolved enough to accept a man like that. I’d rather not get my heart so involved with a man if he’s got so many of the things I don’t want (namely a sex addiction – lol!).

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:28pm

  534. 534: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens – I am completely out of touch…I did look at Renee’s post….where are you at with that?

    Ragnell, it is difficult learning feeling messages. I have found that when I desire to say something along the lines of “you made me feel…” that if I step back from that script in my head, and go to my own feeling, where is it in my body, what is it triggering for me, is it happy, sad, angry, afraid? The inner journey to find what feeling am I experiencing is difficult and the outcome is for me, often a surprise. I have experienced it here in reading the posts, and I am getting much much better at doing the inner reflection – and that is mostly because of how the wonderful sirens will patiently provide instant feedback.

    For example, the other day I was at a conference and one of the speakers said something that triggered me. In my logic intellectual head, she was “wrong”. In my life before Rori tools, I would have engaged a debate. With Rori tools, I leaned back, paid attention to the trigger – “wrong, dumb, stupid, silly…” and took a second to explore Why did this triggered me?. Once I did that, which took only seconds, I was able to set it aside – and that amazed me! I was able to stay completely open to her point of view. I suspended the judgement I had made – and picked it up later to explore in more detail because it is a mirror. I was judging her the way I have felt judged in the past. And judged inappropriately! This was an amazing experience for me. And I thank the past 4 months of being on this blog that has helped me do this journey.

    All that to say, enjoy the journey of exploring feeling and thinking – it is incredibly enlightening.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 2:53pm

  535. 535: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SS — I totally respect your perspective here…it didn’t feel exactly that way when we were discussing it, but I can see how it could appear that way from the way I’ve described it. I feel the need to point out that over the schedule issue, he said later in the conversation that he’d be willing to shuffle things around to find time for me, which had been his previous stance.

    In any event, he just called to see if perhaps instead of watching the whole game at his father’s house, maybe I might like to leave at halftime and go to Octoberfest, which I thought was a very thoughtful gesture.

    I told him, right before he called, that I was feeling pensive and he asked me what I meant when he called. I was fumbling for words, but eventually he asked how I thought last night’s conversation went and I said that it wasn’t all good, that I kind of felt picked on. Wherein we started discussing some of the “flaws” we had discussed the night before and he began minimizing them, so go figure.

    I thought about telling him I didn’t want to watch the game with him, but now that he’s compromising with me, it feels better to agree to do so.

    But I am keeping my cd doors open — in fact, he thinks I have a date tonight…I simply told him I “had plans” and he assumed that meant a date and I didn’t say one way or the other. Txting a cute dr at the moment who seems to be pretty witty…I like witty:-).

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:03pm

  536. 536: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Shannon,

    yeah… I think I’m going to read up on Simone myself. Actually although I’ve read about her a little bit, I’ve never read anything she’s written herself, so I’ll try that, maybe in French (a big challenge for me, although I’ve been living in France for 3 years, my French is far from perfect…so why not kill two birds, so to speak!).

    I’ve also read some of your other posts, and it’s true, you really ARE very good with feeling messages. Keep them coming… I think you have a lot of valuable stuff to pass on. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten how to be a girl… I did sooo much managing in my marriage, it’s difficult to be any other way….

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:07pm

  537. 537: BozNo Gravatar says:

    #499 Brenda

    No I’m not a writer, its just lil ol’ me, BarbinOz, with a name change to protect the innocent…….me, I already feel vulnerable and “out there” on that paid dating site so thought I would do a name change on here last night, don’t know why though? I think it was something you said about Ryan and how he would try and find out what site you were on……

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  538. 538: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie 533….
    Thank you for that post. It’s very insightful… and it sure is a journey….

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:21pm

  539. 539: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello B(arbin)oz… and Brenda….
    My God! Do you really think guys would follow us to planet siren? This never occurred to me…. Imagine the amount of posts they would have to go through to find us…. All the men I know are either internetphobic or far too busy killing imaginary monsters and looking for vehicles to even think about a girls’ relationship site…

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:29pm

  540. 540: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. Or they’re looking at porn!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:30pm

  541. 541: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    hey Boz! how is the new profile doing so far?

    Here is my experience with the List: mostly very young guys doing the Hey babe wanna MSN??? NOPE!
    The guys I have thought are interesting are not stepping up – reject city.

    eH – I am dating the Young Guy tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. Others have been serious duds. I expanded my search criteria to include just about anything that walks and seems manlike. LOL

    In the meantime, it was a totally glorious day here today so on a moment of total spontaneity, I sent a note to Family Guy saying lets drop everything and go play golf! I got a note back saying “I like your style” – but he is in another part of the country today. Oh well. At least he likes my style!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:36pm

  542. 542: BozNo Gravatar says:

    #538 Frenchkitty :)

    Oh was just feeling a bit vulnerable is all last night, I am sure not too many men could be bothered with all our siren stuff LOL!!

    Renee, wasn’t Blondie the back up plan as you were into the other guy more, and you kinda had him on the CD rotation, how did the dynamics change there, did you take your focus off yourself and other men and laser it on him, MY GOD I know I have done this so many times in the past hence why I am here……

    Lucy, that was really scary about the nutcase – I have had a few on POF but not to that extent, one man after I told him thanks but no thanks wrote me a really nasty email about he wouldn’t want to date an ugly old bag like me anyway, etc. Then I think he reported me to POF because they threatened to close my account, so I wrote to the moderator and told him what had gone on and heard no more. Your story has made me think about allowing people we don’t know to be FB friends, not that I do anyway, but a good lesson, hope you are feeling OK now.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:36pm

  543. 543: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Porn Yes! well actually, my little escapade into writing smut…erotica, is a tad slow. Too much environment, too hard core…I am reading up on how to write erotica. Very interesting! and actually it is an incredibly exercise in sensuality. I am finding if I can really attend to feeling, I can better describe sensations thus making my writing much more sensual. I highly recommend this as a tool. I wonder if Rori has thought of this as a tool….hmmmm…a new idea is born….

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:42pm

  544. 544: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Guess what?! I feel so happy! Ryan just called me and we talked over 20 minutes! That is the longest we have talked since February!! I am elated! Daria, again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the insight you gave me that one day!!

    I feel tears of joy! This means so much to me! I laced our conversation with tens of feeling messages, and he was very receptive and responsive! I was very candid with him and said this one:

    I’m still learning & I feel unsure of how to reply sometimes. I feel so happy to hear from you..I guess I was feeling sad because I’ve missed you so much. I miss feeling close to u & I feel we’re not connecting very well these few days. Do you think we can find a way to remedy that? What do u think?

    It wasn’t verbatim because I was talking with no script and he answered, “Well, I don’t know. I think if we just start talking like this on the phone now and then. Let’s see how things go.”

    It felt so good to hear that! He was so sweet! You guys don’t know how many times I messed up so bad on the leaning back thing and social skills as a whole. He has given me chance after chance, and I feel so happy that it looks like he is working with me once again. He said several times it sounded like I was doing really good.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:42pm

  545. 545: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Boz… I’m relieved!!! You always sound like a brilliant sensible woman, and you had me worried there for a minute!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:43pm

  546. 546: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,SS And Mary.
    Re:
    My post.
    Just for clarification….and this is just my perception (but , perception is all there is really).
    I took it to mean “we’re talking about you, not me. I want to talk about me. I insist we talk about me. If I don’t get to talk about me, if this situation isn’t about me…I’m not playing.”
    I come to this conclusion based on 6 years togther. I have lots of “proof” but really. It’s all moot.
    I think if I could have felt heard more..I would have been happy to talk about him. But since I felt the whole relationship was the B show…well, basically Fck that noise.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:44pm

  547. 547: BozNo Gravatar says:

    #540 Lizzie

    Well I only put it up last night and my God the men are OOOOOLLLDDDD!!! Well the ones who are contacting me are…….I am talking late 60’s (!!!!) and here’s me who has dropped my age by 5 years LOL!! Though I am a bit worried about that now as Renee’s Blondie had a problem with her lying about her age on her profile, but you know nobody before this dating site ever bothered about “the age” factor, I mean if you meet men in real life they don’t ask your age do they? And the likes of Joan Collins and Zsa Zsa Gabor never reveal their age. Plus I have lied about the smoking thing but like Renee I am trying to quit so IF I meet a decent sort and have a date I will wear a patch and hopefully manage to finally quit by being with a non-smoker….

    Good luck with Young Guy tomorrow, hey if Madonna can have a toyboy then its good enough for us Sirens :)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:45pm

  548. 548: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda… that makes me feel really happy for you!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:45pm

  549. 549: BozNo Gravatar says:

    #543 Brenda

    Like Frenchkitty I feel really happy for you too :)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:48pm

  550. 550: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey again Boz… the age thing! When did it become acceptable for a guy the ask a girl’s age? I’m asking because this continually pisses me off in France. People know you for 5 minutes, and already they think they have a right to ask what your age is! Like does it matter that much?! Plus they always think I’m younger than I am, so why spoil their illusions?
    I realise on a dating site they probably demand that you put in your age (do they?), but as it’s a rude question they shouldn’t, so I reckon it’s perfectly OK to lie about it!
    And do you know this about Joan Collins? When she last got married, a journalist asked her if she was worried about the age difference. She just shrugged and answered, “If he dies, he dies!”
    How cool is that!!!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:52pm

  551. 551: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I feel so happy for you that you feel good about things with Ryan.

    Boz — Yes, Blondie was just a backup guy in my cd rotation when things kind of started picking up with him. I think a couple of things happened, actually — one, I started responding to his good treatment of me and two, I just got tired of all that cd’ing…I was dating up a storm there for a while and I just got tired of it, you know? I don’t really know if I have it in me to really get back out there agai like I was…it would feel sooooo good just to have one special man in my life, but I don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face by getting exclusive with someone too soon.

    In any event, I spent a decent chunk of time yesterday and today getting back with men I’d been blowing off and it’s starting to pay off by way of emails and txts from interested potential cd’s.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:54pm

  552. 552: healingsoundNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,

    I’ve been stopping by and reading here for a while, and get rori’s e-mails regularly. I feel I can relate to a lot of the things on here, and to the emotional and spiritual tools and insights..
    I am an artist and what and where I create from is very much emotion-based, if that’s a word (English is not my first language). Tonight I just felt like sharing a bit, within this feminine, spiritual room.
    Tomorrow I’m off to teach all day, music.
    Feeling quite drained at the moment. SO much to deal with over the past year, things hanging in the air for a long time..Now starting to feel I’m getting things more back to where they’re supposed to be; taking charge and moving forward with my work. it feels good.

    little note: lucy, that guy sounds like ego driven nut to me, good riddance!!
    I actually made a profile on OKStupid, sorry OkCupid :)) just last night.. didn’t put up a pic as I’m a bit concerned about the privacy issue when my stuff comes out-. but got a few messages already and they were from this one guy who seemed so intense like the ‘ownership’ was already in place! I’m feeling invaded!..and the messages keep getting more and more half shrieking and completely off putting to me.. I felt like taking the whole profile AWAY! do I want to be dealing with this? NO!
    ah. we’ll see, I’m mainly doing it out of curiosity..I usually take people very seriously, and maybe I’ll see it as an exercise in being a bit more aloof when necessary too. :)
    á bientót

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:54pm

  553. 553: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Boz — I wouldn’t worry that much about lying about your age…no one else I’ve dated has really had a problem with it and today Blondie’s saying telling a little fib about your age isn’t a big deal…maybe he just had pms or something?

    Anyway — have fun with all your online men! I suspect you’ll find some closer to your (pretend) age very soon:-)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 3:58pm

  554. 554: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Barb!

    @ Renee – I think it is incredibly amazing that he is willing to miss the best half! of the game for you, and hope you do see it as a real gesture of acceptance and caring about your happiness.

    I am really into wondering about the shift of power – it relates to what Rori talked about in this post and what I’ve experienced too.

    I sometimes feel that they “give” us the power to see what to do with it, and the minute they don’t like something, they just yank it back. Men are very good – maybe hardwired to do the walk away. and the think away – like just turn off ALL thoughts of you.

    If you have thoughts on this and would like to explore it, that’d be great – esp. if you could email me so I can write cohesively about it.

    I have experienced it many times, often from guys who I let in and weren’t all that, then came to care about to get an abrupt wake up call with them turning away. It’s a core issue I think.

    Brenda!!! HOOOOORAYYYYYYYY! Too cool 6 dozen balloons for you…you’ll float home!

    I feel nervous – Jonathon’s reading the interview now; ha I reminded him he said he like controversy.

    And I’m very glad that I have slid under the trigger “radar” today…

    @ Lizzie – when you have time someday I’d like to hear more about the feeling message thing being an opening for you? I feel admiration for Ragnell just for being here, not like I want to advise her or change her or make her understand. She feels really authentic to me and strong – I’ve been continually surprised she stayed. She doesn’t trigger anything in me; but if you were triggered and you felt it and you disregarded it or moved past it or used it as an opening to admire someone? …

    ….how did you get all that because you spoke in feeling messages to yourself?

    LOL, I can feel my brow furrowing with all this – gotta scoot before I make wrinkles!

    Have a great Friday nite, all!

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:05pm

  555. 555: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Random Riffing on non relationship based topic.
    I want to punch out my parents. Both of them.
    This makes me an ungrateful daughter? So be it.
    I wanted to hire a company to move me. They both raised a ruckus…that’s too expensive they said. Its a waste of money they said. Don’t be so extravagant they said.
    Now I have to pay three guys to help with the heavy moving…I’m not sure if they will all show up. I have three half ton trucks, my drunk assed father asking me agressive questions and trying to organize this shit and my mother giving every one dirty looks.
    The next time someone tells me its a waste of money to take care of myself….I’m gonna come out swinging.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:14pm

  556. 556: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Pulling out hair.
    Rolling on the floor
    Foaming at the mouth
    GaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
    FREAKIN MOVING

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:36pm

  557. 557: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    REVISION!!! Just spoke with Jonathon and there was this whole conversation AFTER he said don’t let being fat be an excuse, that we never got to! LOL….

    re-write is now up and live…..

    thanks yall, for being with me in the process of…..

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:41pm

  558. 558: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow… i just wrode my bike to hang out with my friend, and get groceries

    i was so fly

    i feel exhausted

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:45pm

  559. 559: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sorry Jennifer! That would feel terrible all around.

    Gosh, I feel your frustration. What can you do? What are your options? Wish I could send people to help! Notice I do volunteer my own services but I’m happy to get strong men for you. :-)

    Hmmm… Judo Man?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:45pm

  560. 560: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oops Brenda – regarding what Daisy said. Daisy’s ipod automatically corrects her spelling, with some funny and confusing restults.

    i think i meant, the energy with him is totally changed

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:49pm

  561. 561: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SS — you’re such a sweetheart. I enjoy your voice on this board:-)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:49pm

  562. 562: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    SS
    thanks.
    He’s nowhere to be found. I think he travels on the weekends to photograph more vulvas.
    There will be drinking…..oh yes there will be drinking

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:50pm

  563. 563: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – what about practicing flirting by looking men in the eye and smiling… that turns out to be much more flirtatious

    note to daria for when i want to sex something suggestive to a man

    oops “text” not “sex”

    ha

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:51pm

  564. 564: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria…I wanna sex something suggestive to a man…how does that work? LOL!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 4:53pm

  565. 565: BozNo Gravatar says:

    #555 Jacqueline

    Well not to be personal, but Jonathan doesn’t exactly look too skinny himself…….

    And re the menopause/Michelle Pfeiffer thing, well there are some great looking post menopausal women out here in the real world, I know because some of them are my girlfriends and holding up Michelle Pfeiffer as an example is pretty unrealistic anyway, I am sure she looks great but lets not forget that half of the photos we see are airbrushed to the max, has he met her in real life? I have seen a couple of “stars” in real life and yes they look good, but they have wrinkles just like the rest of us!!

    Maybe we women should be looking out too for men that haven’t let themselves go…….no more beer guts or sloppiness, I want Brad Pitt lookalikes only :D

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:00pm

  566. 566: BozNo Gravatar says:

    OOps looks like Jacqueline has changed her blog from when I first read it and posted above, don’t know how to do the blushing face on here…..

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:05pm

  567. 567: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Didn’t like my new name, it felt masculine……..like a tough boy type :(

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:06pm

  568. 568: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — Yah, it was kind of like “Bosley” on Charlie’s Angels:-). I’m dating myself now, aren’t I?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:18pm

  569. 569: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Omg Brenda that’s amazing with Ryan! I am gealous of u u siren! I have tears in my eyes… I wish guywhohadababy will call me… It will be him or someone I love more! I love my feelings!

    Celebration

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:21pm

  570. 570: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #566 Renee

    Never thought of that!! Re the dating yourself, well I do that anyways :)

    My gf is in an on/off relationship and has been for some years and she really really wants to get married but he doesn’t and I have tried to tell her about the RR stuff but she doesn’t want to try any of it, until I show her by my shining example of how it all works HA!!!!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:25pm

  571. 571: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Jawueline- that’s how feeling messages work.. What Lizzie described. They are transformative, it feels difficult to describe.

    Which I’d why rori and I always encourage women to use them.

    When an aha moment hits, it’s really worth it.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:27pm

  572. 572: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Vulva… I giggle like a little girl when I say that word. My boys were asking me what I have and even though I know the term is vulva, my mouth said vagina. I just can’t say vulva and keep a straight face! In my brain it sounds like the cheerleader chick from SNL “VUL-VA”, said with jazz hands! LOL!

    So Jennifer: Whenever you talk about Judo Boy photo’ing vulvas, I can’t help but giggle.

    Vullllllva.

    Vul-VA.

    Hey baby… how’s your vulva?

    LOL!

    And he photographs them.

    Ummm… Yeah… totally uncomfortable with that.

    P.S. Tinque, when you read this, I know I should feel comfortable with my vulva (hehe!). I resolve to feel more comfortable.

    P.S.S. Tinque, how is the FE going? :-)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:35pm

  573. 573: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – Ha! I thought about that after I wrote it, lol — dating myself, cd’ing myself, what’s the difference!:-)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:39pm

  574. 574: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – sorry about not coming up with those articles, but Erika has a good friend Terrance Thames, you might remember him from here. He claims he is really good at this and teaching women how to do it for themselves. He had told me that he succeeded with everysingle last one of the last 20 women he attempted it with.

    So that would be a great contact. OOOH…

    i would love to have Terrance guest blog on your blog about this!@

    what do you think!

    ??

    you can find him on facebook, and everywhere else Terrancial

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:41pm

  575. 575: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #571 Renee

    EXACTLY ‘cos isn’t this what Rori tells ladies who are married to do? I don’t think many husbands would approve of their wife CD’ing other men LOL!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:43pm

  576. 576: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Where is Siren Brenda? Only 1 post about Ryan……..hopefully she is floating on Cloud TEN :D

    Don’t forget to lean back………….you are doing so well……

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:45pm

  577. 577: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    SS…
    yeah its a funny word.
    I feel fine with him photoing them….
    I still feel annoyed with moving.
    I want a massage, Universe. HELLLLOOOOO!!!!!
    I am fed up with Eharmony.
    I have 750 matches. All the ones close to me are unsuitable to say the least.
    Then when I was browsign a pop up from solo mobile showed up and WOULD not go away.
    I had to close my browser window to make it stop.
    I have complained. but I think im gonna cancell my subscription.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:47pm

  578. 578: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Barb….don’t worry I was blushing too….but! this intrepid journalist had an exact quote…whew! Still, it sounds better now, and he did have a very good explanation – maybe we just got off track; btw, ummm Michelle Pfeifer? wow, she’s OLD…. TRIGGER!!rofl…….and omgosh that’s hilarious about Bosley, etc.

    Brenda is floating, Daisy is not spell checking but okay, I get it! and…..I’m off to watch OMGOSH!!

    Either supernatural cute cute boys! or the Good Guys….sexy sexy MAN!!!

    Nite, all!

    Happy,
    J

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:51pm

  579. 579: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #575 Jennifer

    I am intrigued about Judo man (??) photographing womens lady bits :D Sorry if you have written about this on another page but I haven’t seen it…..

    How does he get them to even let him do that? Does he advertise in the newspaper? Online? Is there some kind of club for this kind of thing?

    I would feel VERY VERY uncomfortable about having a relationship with a man that is so into vulva’s, I just want a one vulva man LOL!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:54pm

  580. 580: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #576 Jacqueline

    Another blushing moment, I thought it was on your blog you talked about Michelle Pfeiffer sorry :(

    And hey Miss P is YOUNG to some of us!! She is 5 years younger than me…..

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:58pm

  581. 581: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered about Dorothea’s statement about not liking to feel like someone is trying to outgirl her,

    i feel defensive

    i like using feeling messages with women, i feel close and connected with them, like on this blog, and with my mom when it works

    i feel sad that i feel so distant and mistrustful now , it feels bad, i feel hotness in my face and achiness in my heart

    i feel angry i love my anger and i lov emy sadness and i love all of my feelings

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 5:59pm

  582. 582: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Barb.
    I honestly have no idea how he finds them.
    I have no illusions of having a relatinship with Judo man…he doesn’t “do” relationships.
    I am focused on him in an attempt to practice not freaking out when men pay attention to me….and my dating life sucks a$$.
    I actually think it’s kinda cool as a project. He’s making a book, the photos (which are good) and the stories that go with each one. Stories of women getting comfortable with thier own bodies and sexuality etc. He says it feels like a very important project to him. It has a “celebrating the heart of femininity” vibe as opposed to a “porn” vibe.
    I think it’s one of the reasons I am so taken by him. \
    He really likes women. He has the photo book project and designs women’s self defence courses. They even gave one away for free cause there’s been alot of violence towards women in my area.
    His sister developed Chrone’s so he went out and got a licence to sell marijuana leagally cause it’s a very effective treatment.
    Geezus.
    I must be the president of the judo man fan club.
    Where’s my freakin fan club?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:03pm

  583. 583: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I bicycled 11.6 miles, a bigger half of which i had groceries balanced on my handlebars!

    im awesome

    Oh i lookes so cute

    let me tell you what i wore

    i had my moms green and silver bike, and i wore the green helmet

    i had black leggings, and black patent leather sandals with a 2 inch heel

    i had a mock turtle neck green black and white jungle print shirt, with a keyhole opening in the chest

    and i had my black leather jacket with a fur trim

    thank you beautiful clothes!

    people were honking and whistling and saying hi!

    i felt so goddessy

    it totally rocked!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:03pm

  584. 584: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I want my own freakin fan club. I rock too.
    I feel pouty.
    I feel foot stomping.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:06pm

  585. 585: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer –

    can you tell me about 5 different things you like about you please?

    ps do you like your vulva?

    i love my vulva. its so pretty.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:11pm

  586. 586: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria.
    I do not like my vulva…visually. She’s not pretty..but she’s wicked funtional!!
    I like me.
    I am hard core reliable.
    I do a mean oso di gari and angry vulcan.
    I can cook anything.
    I can salsa dance in heels
    I can stand in the middle of a bar fight and not have anyone even come near me cause I gots the don’t mess with me stare.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:15pm

  587. 587: Jason MillerNo Gravatar says:

    513: Jacqueline

    This conversation about paying on dates inspired me to write another blog post. I strongly believe there is a clear solution to this question.

    http://www.attractthemanyouwant.com/2010/09/should-a-man-or-woman-pay-for-a-date-it-depends-but-you-have-options.html

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:27pm

  588. 588: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – I’ve been thinking about you .

    You remind me of myself.

    I want to help you. With your dating life. I am going to give you my dynamo secret formula that keeps at least 5 men contacting me a day. Which works great for my self esteem and for practice purposes… which is what its all about.

    First. It really is all about what you THINK of yourself. it is NOT about “looks” in the way you think of it… so the practice is when old thoughts of that pop up, replace them, and double focus on loving yourself and feeling your energy.

    .

    ok the steps:

    1. buy a webcam for 20 dollars, – when you get the chance and get the 20 dollars

    2. Put on your sexiest lingerie.

    Take the mouse in your hand and away from the computer with the clicker on the “take photo” button, stand up, and pose, and take about 300 pictures of yourself.

    3. AFTER you have completed this, save at least one or 2 favorites (i save them all, making note in my head of which ones i liked)

    4. Then, put one your sexiest outfit. Make sure to show some leg.

    Again, take 300 pictures of yourself, posing, as if for a magazine. YOu do not need to get every body part in, sometimes it may not even have your head in there.

    Make SEXY poses.

    Save your favorites.

    5. Repeat, taking close ups of your face, with different expressions. Relax, get goofy, get sexy, get happy, get sad. Do this as a study of YOU.

    6. Take the pictures you liked of your face, and upload them to a dating site. Upload 2 or 3 differing Sexy Outfit pictures.

    (no need to upload lingerie ones)

    7. Do nothing.

    — if the thought comes up, but Daria, that will attract only men that are into women wearing sexy outfits, remember that there are magazines like Sports Illustrated out there, that people go to the beach wearing bikinis,

    and that 90% of Men ARE interested in women wearing sexy outfits.

    therefore you will now be attracting 90% of men. Do you imagine a man saying, oh wow, she’s too sexy for me? do you want that man? probably not. There is no going wrong with this.

    If you ever get attacked for being sexy, it will be rare, and by a clearly “triggered” dude like lucy encountered —-

    10. EXTRA – if you REALLY want even more men to be attracted, use your webcam to create a short video in which you speak, practicing tools, about somethign in your life. AS in, hello this is Jennifer, do you like my new boots here?

    or..

    hello this is jennifer, and i’d like to give my theory on physics and philosophy in 3 min.

    Then link them to your profile, making the links big bright obvious and attractive, and saying

    If you’d like to see my ( not-like-that ) videos,

    i recorded myself. hehe.

    ****

    you are so freakin gorgeous. I wish i was there to support you with this.

    It will rock. (the best part is you are in charge of which photos go up. 3 out of 300 is not bad, in 10 minutes)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:42pm

  589. 589: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok.

    and another thing. now.

    repeat after me.

    A part of my being already knows, that my vulva is an expression of the goddess, and i no longer need to believe that it is not pretty

    (now ask yourself is this true? does a part of my bieng know this? a part of your being is all powerful and can have anything, shift anything, a deeper, wiser, all powerful part. you will hear/feel a slight Yes agreement”)

    then go on with:

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so with grace and ease

    my mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:47pm

  590. 590: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:

    “Own your greatness.”

    – Mama Gena

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:50pm

  591. 591: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lakshmi Re #407

    “I am fundamentally flawed in some way. Some of us seem to have a more difficult path with relationships. I like to think I skipped my first ‘failed’ marriage and I’ll just have one long beautiful one.”

    I just came to this blog to vent a little bit about the phone convo I just had with a new man. He asked me what was wrong with me, why I’ve never been married. He was joking… sort of.

    I really feel triggered. I came here and saw your post about feeling flawed because you were married. I feel flawed because I haven’t yet been married. We’re two sides of the same coin.

    So now that this has been brought to the surface for me, I’d like it healed.

    Because the truth is… there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I didn’t always have the man skills that I have now, and I made some dumb mistakes, chased men, etc. But I did that out of fear, and because I didn’t know any better.

    I spent a lot of time in situations that were not on my bridge to happily ever after, but that doesn’t make me flawed or bad or not deserving of a man who loves and adores me and wants to stick around.

    So, Mr. Telephone Man – there’s nothing wrong with me. It feels bad to hear you think that there is something wrong with me, but instead of making you wrong for saying that thoughtless thing, I’m going to thank God that you were brought into my life to show me this part of myself that needs to be healed. I’d like this healed so that it never comes up again.

    Sigh. Goodnight Sirens :D

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 6:58pm

  592. 592: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Jason, I felt so happy reading your comment on my blog. It feels good to contribute to the inspiration of others. Thanks for making my day.:)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:02pm

  593. 593: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siena,
    I wasn’t totally clear in my post — I see how you read it. But actually I’m in your position: I’ve never been married. And I too have had men imply there must be something wrong with me since I haven’t been married. What I meant in my post was thta I sometimes comfort myself by saying that unlike some people who got divorced and then found happiness in their second or third marriage, I skipped a first failed marriage and I hope to only have one marriage. Does that make sense? Although I also later clarified that I felt guilty and bad because I felt like people might think I was judging divorced people. We all have different paths…

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:06pm

  594. 594: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    oh, I understand Lakshmi… so we’re the same side of the same coin :D

    I can’t imagine that men who say bonehead things mean ill… sometimes a certain type of man (especially when he’s nervous bc he’s talking to a beautiful Siren) says a really dumb thing that wounds the heart of a sensitive type like me.

    I love my sensitivity, but I realize that it can be hard to deal with for a certain type of man (a bull in a china shop type), so I choose not to make him wrong for putting his foot in his mouth.

    …so it occurs to me that I need to clarify my “desire list”. I desire a totally masculine man who can somehow deal with my sensitivity so that he doesn’t hurt my feelings a lot. I don’t want him to be girly, but I don’t want him to be totally unaware either.

    This is the addendum that I am adding to my (very short! ) list. That is all. Thank you God.

    (I”m playing a little bit, but it helps me feel better)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:15pm

  595. 595: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Thanks for relating. It really stresses me when a woman is all “oh, I have feelings, I’m hurt, I feel”, ignoring the fact that, well, I’m a woman too and I have no desire to either man up or compete to see who is the most girly. Thanks for speaking like an equal. You sound very balanced.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:23pm

  596. 596: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Re#527

    You have no authority to tell me which of my feelings are or aren’t actually feelings. You’re not me and you aren’t feeling me. I feel irritated and annoyed. Yes, those are feelings. No, I don’t need you to validate them. Thank you very much.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:25pm

  597. 597: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @Jason – excellent explanation and brilliant insight – Jonathon had said the same – if you don’t like him, offer to pay; and that 99% of guys are just looking for the gesture, but you’re observation is dead on. I just don’t know if most guys are in tuned enough to get it?

    @ Siena/Lakshmi….I love what Joan just said on my blog – we are all women becomming. Rori says there are basically no mistakes, and hey! the first thing she ever told me was to look at a 10 year relationship as a loooooong lesson in learning to love myself.

    That gets my vote!

    Supernatural ROCKED; Jensen took the show, sometimes Jared does…cute boys ROCK!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:33pm

  598. 598: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dorothea – your name is not linking to your blog? Is that on purpose? Cuz I’ve totally forgotten how to spell Prillapa?? think it’s in favorites, tho.

    Let me know spelling when you get a chance?

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:41pm

  599. 599: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling triggered. I feel sad thinking that women sharing feelings are being seen as trying to outgirl each other or compete…

    that feels bad to me… i feel misunderstood and unseen

    **

    im feeling sad that my dad talked to me in a loud voice asking me if i have completed a task i had shared with him that i intended to compete

    he told me some deep, insightful stuff about how doing what i say builds my self esteem

    but i felt bad … i felt unseen for the many tasks i Have been completing, which has been more than before, a lot more, like exercising etc

    i kinda feel afraid… i don’t like being talked to in that tone

    he seemed frustrated, disappointed with me… i love my feeling of not good enough ness, sadness, loneliness

    i love my loneliness, i love my fear,

    i Want to feel good about myself, that would feel like smiling, touching my inner belly, breathing deep, relaxing my mouth, my jaw, my eyes bright, feeling expansive in my chest, fluid in my arms and legs, and back, safe, connected part of nature… singing… powerful… that would feel like a straightening spine, a melting leg, a melting jaw, a melting heart

    my heart felt afraid

    it covered up

    i felt a lil bit bad

    oh

    i love my feelings

    i want to feel proud of myself and that i learned something,

    i did learn something evern from what my dad said which is that, the thought came to me that yes, it would be helpful money wise to follow thru on my plans regarding money

    mm

    i love my feelings

    i am starting to feel bettter and smily

    i love my feelings

    i just sighed and relaxed

    i love my sigh and my relaxation

    and that feels like rolling my head back

    i love the pain in my chest

    and that feels like

    tihgtness around my mouth

    i love the tightness around my mouth

    thank you for trying to protect me

    speaking loudly is not attacking, Rori said, so what in particular felt bad?

    i felt criticized, not good enought, i felt loved and cared for too, i felt kina dissapointed

    i want to feel encouraged, that would feel like warm, smiling, supported, fluid, strong spine, loose, relaxed melting jaw and tongue, relaxing melting facial muscles, relaxing eyes,

    that would feel good ti feels good

    turning my attention to pay attention to my heartlight now

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:46pm

  600. 600: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell – sorry you feel so triggered…

    i just want to chime in and say that Brenda was correct about feeling messages.

    It IS tricky, as Lizzie said, feeling messages are all about us, and not about what we think of the other person or thing

    i feel afraid of you! i don’t want to be slammed, and its really important to me that Rori’s tools are clear and available to the sirens looking to practice her tools here – thats what this blog is for,

    to help us tweak and get support

    i want to encourage you to keep practicing. great job taking babysteps to that…

    and thank you for letting us know that that message didn’t feel good to you

    it didn’t feel good to me either

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:51pm

  601. 601: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the walls that jump up around my heart all the way to my jaw… they are so powerful… thank you for such powerful protection… and i embrace you, wall raiser… thank you for being here for me… and im in charge now, and i want to let you know its ok to relax now… and im going to go on feeling good… and doing what makes me bigger, and happier, so that i can have more love and compassion to share with you and with teh world. and i wont abandon you… i promise

    love,

    D

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 7:55pm

  602. 602: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    @Jacqueline,

    Prenup = defense

    It introduces fear and mistrust from the very beginning … I don’t pretend not still to have fears about this, yet I realize I must let them go … that was the intention of what I said to Jason …

    From A Course in Miracles:

    In my defenselessness my safety lies.

    You who feel threatened by this changing world, its twists of fortune and its bitter jests, its brief relationships and all the “gifts” it merely lends to take away again; attend this lesson well. The world provides no safety. It is rooted in attack, and all its “gifts” of seeming safety are illusory deceptions. It attacks, and then attacks again. No peace of mind is possible where danger threatens thus.

    The world gives rise but to defensiveness. For threat brings anger, anger makes attack seem reasonable, honestly provoked, and righteous in the name of self-defense. Yet is defensiveness a double threat. For it attests to weakness, and sets up a system of defense that cannot work. Now are the weak still further undermined, for there is treachery without and still a greater treachery within. The mind is now confused, and knows not where to turn to find escape from its imaginings.

    It is as if a circle held it fast, wherein another circle bound it and another one in that, until escape no longer can be hoped for nor obtained. Attack, defense; defense, attack, become the circles of the hours and the days that bind the mind in heavy bands of steel with iron overlaid, returning but to start again. There seems to be no break nor ending in the ever-tightening grip of the imprisonment upon the mind.

    Defenses are the costliest of all the prices which the ego would exact. In them lies madness in a form so grim that hope of sanity seems but to be an idle dream, beyond the possible. The sense of threat the world encourages is so much deeper, and so far beyond the frenzy and intensity of which you can conceive, that you have no idea of all the devastation it has wrought.

    You are its slave. You know not what you do, in fear of it. You do not understand how much you have been made to sacrifice, who feel its iron grip upon your heart. You do not realize what you have done to sabotage the holy peace of God by your defensiveness. For you behold the Son of God as but a victim to attack by fantasies, by dreams, and by illusions he has made; yet helpless in their presence, needful only of defense by still more fantasies, and dreams by which illusions of his safety comfort him.

    Defenselessness is strength. It testifies to recognition of the Christ in you. Perhaps you will recall the text maintains that choice is always made between Christ’s strength and your own weakness, seen apart from Him. Defenselessness can never be attacked, because it recognizes strength so great attack is folly, or a silly game a tired child might play, when he becomes too sleepy to remember what he wants.

    Defensiveness is weakness. It proclaims you have denied the Christ and come to fear His Father’s anger. What can save you now from your delusion of an angry god, whose fearful image you believe you see at work in all the evils of the world? What but illusions could defend you now, when it is but illusions that you fight?

    We will not play such childish games today. For our true purpose is to save the world, and we would not exchange for foolishness the endless joy our function offers us. We would not let our happiness slip by because a fragment of a senseless dream happened to cross our minds, and we mistook the figures in it for the Son of God; its tiny instant for eternity.

    We look past dreams today, and recognize that we need no defense because we are created unassailable, without all thought or wish or dream in which attack has any meaning. Now we cannot fear, for we have left all fearful thoughts behind. And in defenselessness we stand secure, serenely certain of our safety now, sure of salvation; sure we will fulfill our chosen purpose, as our ministry extends its holy blessing through the world.

    Be still a moment, and in silence think how holy is your purpose, how secure you rest, untouchable within its light. God’s ministers have chosen that the truth be with them. Who is holier than they? Who could be surer that his happiness is fully guaranteed? And who could be more mightily protected? What defense could possibly be needed by the ones who are among the chosen ones of God, by His election and their own as well?

    It is the function of God’s ministers to help their brothers choose as they have done. God has elected all, but few have come to realize His Will is but their own. And while you fail to teach what you have learned, salvation waits and darkness holds the world in grim imprisonment. Nor will you learn that light has come to you, and your escape has been accomplished. For you will not see the light, until you offer it to all your brothers. As they take it from your hands, so will you recognize it as your own.

    Salvation can be thought of as a game that happy children play. It was designed by One Who loves His children, and Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone. His game instructs in happiness because there is no loser. Everyone who plays must win, and in his winning is the gain to everyone ensured. The game of fear is gladly laid aside, when children come to see the benefits salvation brings.

    You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. That game is over. Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

    We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. So is the story ended. Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

    Today we practice in a form we will maintain for quite a while. We will begin each day by giving our attention to the daily thought as long as possible. Five minutes now becomes the least we give to preparation for a day in which salvation is the only goal we have. Ten would be better; fifteen better still. And as distraction ceases to arise to turn us from our purpose, we will find that half an hour is too short a time to spend with God. Nor will we willingly give less at night, in gratitude and joy.

    Each hour adds to our increasing peace, as we remember to be faithful to the Will we share with God. At times, perhaps, a minute, even less, will be the most that we can offer as the hour strikes. Sometimes we will forget. At other times the business of the world will close on us, and we will be unable to withdraw a little while, and turn our thoughts to God.

    Yet when we can, we will observe our trust as ministers of God, in hourly remembrance of our mission and His Love. And we will quietly sit by and wait on Him and listen to His Voice, and learn what He would have us do the hour that is yet to come; while thanking Him for all the gifts He gave us in the one gone by.

    In time, with practice, you will never cease to think of Him, and hear His loving Voice guiding your footsteps into quiet ways, where you will walk in true defenselessness. For you will know that Heaven goes with you. Nor would you keep your mind away from Him a moment, even though your time is spent in offering salvation to the world. Think you He will not make this possible, for you who chose to carry out His plan for the salvation of the world and yours?

    Today our theme is our defenselessness. We clothe ourselves in it, as we prepare to meet the day. We rise up strong in Christ, and let our weakness disappear, as we remember that His strength abides in us. We will remind ourselves that He remains beside us through the day, and never leaves our weakness unsupported by His strength. We call upon His strength each time we feel the threat of our defenses undermine our certainty of purpose. We will pause a moment, as He tells us, “I am here.”

    Your practicing will now begin to take the earnestness of love, to help you keep your mind from wandering from its intent. Be not afraid nor timid. There can be no doubt that you will reach your final goal. The ministers of God can never fail, because the love and strength and peace that shine from them to all their brothers come from Him. These are His gifts to you. Defenselessness is all you need to give Him in return. You lay aside but what was never real, to look on Christ and see His sinlessness.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:02pm

  603. 603: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for your offer, Daria, but I’m not interested. I’d rather be myself, a human female, than a so-called siren.

    I am sorry that you feel triggered. And I’m annoyed at the fact that it is only my messages who seem to trigger the regulars in this blog.

    I am ignored when I open up and share my feelings and troubles around here. Only two readers noticed my comments about the cruel guy I was dating and how I felt about that. It’s only when my feelings are about other comments here that they are noticed.

    I feel encouraged. I feel rewarded for questioning others. I feel empowered with the ability to make Daria and Brenda feel bad. I feel cornered to turn to boy energy, but now that I’ve been put in this position, I’ve grown to like this power over your feelings.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:03pm

  604. 604: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Erika – huh? I’m against marriage as a legally binding document, have no opinion on prenup – oh, I said ask you – I meant as to whether they are often beaten down in court? LOL….

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:10pm

  605. 605: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell – i feel attacked. i’m not encouraging you to be anyone other than yourself.

    however, this feels weird and unsafe. i’ve never actually felt attacked this way on the blog the way i feel now.

    I am here for a long time and have a lot of experience with Rori’s tools, and part of what I enjoy is helping others use them

    I’m sorry you felt unheard about your man. I do remember that i did post to you about that, and i feel pretty bad that’s not acknowledged.

    i don’t feel comfortable with being intentionally attacked “power over feelings” thing.

    i’m not here to be attacked.

    this is a safe place, where we are, as much as we can, speaking from a compassionate place

    we all want each other to be happy

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:11pm

  606. 606: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    “I feel empowered with the ability to make Daria and Brenda feel bad. I feel cornered to turn to boy energy, but now that I’ve been put in this position, I’ve grown to like this power over your feelings.”

    wow, that feels honest. I feel a sigh of relief with that kind of honesty. I wonder if that form of power feels good, or is just the best feeling that seems possible right now?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:15pm

  607. 607: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell and all –

    i will continue to clarify tools for the benefit of all here.

    i feel comfortable being ignored but not with being attacked. i dont’ want that here (or anywhere), and will enforce it by contacting Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:17pm

  608. 608: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    Anyone who thinks they are going to be “protected” by anything other than divine law lives in fear …

    There are very few laws that actually work. “I will love and trust everyone, and live in perfect safety” is a mantra I like.

    More from ACIM:

    If I defend myself I am attacked.

    Who would defend himself unless he thought he were attacked, that the attack were real, and that his own defense could save himself? And herein lies the folly of defense; it gives illusions full reality, and then attempts to handle them as real. It adds illusions to illusions, thus making correction doubly difficult. And it is this you do when you attempt to plan the future, activate the past, or organize the present as you wish.

    You operate from the belief you must protect yourself from what is happening because it must contain what threatens you. A sense of threat is an acknowledgment of an inherent weakness; a belief that there is danger which has power to call on you to make appropriate defense. The world is based on this insane belief. And all its structures, all its thoughts and doubts, its penalties and heavy armaments, its legal definitions and its codes, its ethics and its leaders and its gods, all serve but to preserve its sense of threat. For no one walks the world in armature but must have terror striking at his heart.

    Defense is frightening. It stems from fear, increasing fear as each defense is made. You think it offers safety. Yet it speaks of fear made real and terror justified. Is it not strange you do not pause to ask, as you elaborate your plans and make your armor thicker and your locks more tight, what you defend, and how, and against what?

    If I defend myself I am attacked. But in defenselessness I will be strong, and I will learn what my defenses hide.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:20pm

  609. 609: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ericka –

    to me it feels threatening.

    i guess i get triggered because its a non-truth to me,

    that is no one has power over my emotions (but through me)

    .

    but maybe that is just me.

    maybe its not a veiled threat to hurt me.

    maybe its someone discovering that they feel good feeling powerful, and they first do so by discovering that people feel triggered to pain by their words

    hmm

    i dono

    i feel mistrustful

    “truth without compassion is not truth” feels good to believe

    ps i am feel so close to “losing my temper” and attacking

    hmmm

    what is this feeling?

    it feels like powerlessness

    i feel powerful to stop being attacked, but i am not

    triggering time

    i feel like punching ragnell’s face straight thru to the back of her skull…

    =D mmm… that FEELS GOOD TOO!!!

    and amusing

    probably not deep enough to be truth, because it doesn’t sound very compassionate.

    the truth is i don’t want to do that.

    i want to be heard and feel connected.

    and i feel afraid now

    and punching someones skull that i feel attacked by feels safer

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:23pm

  610. 610: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I do not believe yo uare “feeling attacked”. You are accusing me of attacking you and disguising that under a “feeling message” format. I’ve been called yucky and I’ve been told I need practice to be like you. I am really enjoying the process.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:24pm

  611. 611: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Marshall Rosenberg worked with pedophiles in prison, because he had faith that if he could just get them enough empathy, they would stop meeting their needs in ways that were not meeting everybody else’s needs.

    What he discovered, after going through layers and layers of self-judgment and self-loathing with these guys, is that they were molesting children for one primary reason:

    They had suffered great pain in their own lives, usually being molested themselves, and had never received empathy for that pain. Seeing their own pain reflected back to them by inflicting it on another was their way of getting a convoluted form of empathy, to be seen and understood.

    If that need for empathy could be met another way, they would stop doing what they were doing.

    People who are in pain give pain, because of what they are.

    I heard Ragnell very honestly describing her own experience. It’s her perception, only you can say what your experience is.

    I heard a lot of vulnerability in what she said. I heard her feeling unseen and unheard and not having the sense of belonging that she’d like to have. That’s just what I heard, I might not be right about that.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:29pm

  612. 612: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Ragnell, I was searching for those words for a long time as a response to “I feel attacked” but they were always at the tip of my tongue and it turned me into a frustrated girl who felt quite inspired to attack when I wasn’t before. THANK YOU.

    Jacqueline, it’s pralaapa.wordpress.com

    i probably don’t have it linked cuz i’m lazy and don’t feel like typing it in when i post on a cleared browser.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:31pm

  613. 613: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell – im sorry you’ve been called yucky. is that true? i don’t remember that being worded that way. perhaps someone said something feels yucky?

    that would feel terrible to feel yucky

    yes, i feel attacked. perhaps you are not attacking me. i don’t know.

    i feel very defensive right now and don’t really want to talk.

    you CAN practice to be like me – i feel like i’m great, and i’m great at feeling messages

    your feelings, are your own however, so were you to express them, you wouldn’t sound/feel much like me, because you are you

    i am a good resource about Rori’s tools and how to use them.

    feel free to ask me for help, or not, i might even clarify some things you did not ask for (and that might feel triggering)

    when i do so i feel compelled to offer clarity and help to the world that is reading the blog – about how to use these tools

    it can feel confusing for people just starting out, if the tools aren’t clear and

    there’s no “tweaks” on the way we are using them

    .

    thats what the blog is for.

    .

    ps. sorry for getting so graphic about what i felt with my anger …

    im feeling unsure of whether that’s a way to go with feeling messages,

    tho rori does say in one of her programs that we can say, i feel like hitting and punching you right now, and i don’t want to do that

    that is how i felt, i felt triggered to that because i felt afraid and my “protect yourself” defense kicked in.

    just feeling concerned about taht being interpreted as me actually wanting to do that… which i don’t,

    just a very angry, fearful, imaginative feeling that feels better than feeling powerless

    i feel amused… i’m telling myself a story about how i won’t be heard… i love myself and how set i am on not being heard!!!

    haha

    i wonder what benefit i get from not being heard?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:32pm

  614. 614: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    I feel successful. I feel proud of myself. I feel honest, authentic, and taken in other’s consideration. I feel proud for voicing what I really think and how I really feel about Daria and Brenda.

    This is truly the best place to drop a golden apple. Hail Eris.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:34pm

  615. 615: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Benefits from not being heard:

    being a victim

    being the underdog!! i love this, just thinking about it makes me light up… hmmm

    not having to hear’ (whoa)

    feels familiar and therefore comfortable

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:36pm

  616. 616: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    SO ladies, I paid for the chinese takeout tonight. I said, “baby, can i ask you for something?” and then I said “will you please let me pay for dinner tonight? You feed me dinner EVERY NIGHT, and it’s not that i feel like i owe you something, but I just want it to be my treat this time.”

    He seemed a little put on the spot. So I said, really, it would make me feel happy to do this nice thing for you. And he said “I like treating you and taking care of you” and I said “I know! this isn’t a trick question, it’s just that you’ve been cooking or buying for weeks on end now, and I think you deserve a break!”

    No attachment to outcome, no overfunctioning. Just being appropriately thoughtful without even having to think about it. No worries. It felt great in that it didn’t feel like anything at all:).

    So I handed him my credit card and asked him to tip 2 bucks when he signed the receipt and I went outside to get some air (lol, yeah right, i went outside to smoke a cig).

    I like that he still physically “paid,” even if it was my money.

    What do you ladies think about all this? I would love to hear your take, and if you approve or disapprove or are unsure.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:36pm

  617. 617: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel resentful. this feels unfair. i feel ganged up on.

    i don’t feel good imaging a dropped golden apple (and creating discord)

    taht feels bad – discord –

    i don’t want discord

    .

    this REALLY feels unfair.

    So you two, Dorothea and Erika, think it’s cool to let Ragnell continue to think that she used feeling messages correctly when they were judgements?

    does that seem like it’s in her best long term interests?

    why is it cool to attack me?

    Dorothea, why do you think its cool to attack me and not apologize, when you are sharing stuff about a man and i say i dont feel good about it… ???

    I don’t remember that happening before until recently,

    I remember us starting a friendship where we both talked in feeling messages

    I remember being asked for advice, and being taken into consideration

    I don’t want to participate in a conversation that feels bad, when someone is doing somehting that to me looks un Rori like, i really am not available to hear complaints about a man — i don’t want to encourage myself or anyone else to complain about men, but rather to look at ourselves.

    I felt really attacked by you, as if i had to be there and listen to you WHEN I DIDNT WANT TO.

    I am not available to listen at all times. I am not available to listen when it feels bad to me.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:43pm

  618. 618: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    I like that it felt right for you. If that’s what you wanted, and that’s what you did, and you feel good, who cares what others think about it? It still makes me glad that you shared it. I think it’s a sweet story.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:49pm

  619. 619: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea –

    I feel pretty powerless about our argument. I didn’t feel respected and don’t much know what to do to get back to a close and trusting place

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:52pm

  620. 620: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i didn’t attack you. maybe you should read our conversation again. saying i can’t talk to you about nothing anymore is not an attack. just because you feel attacked does not make you the queen of the universe to me. sh*t goes both ways, and if you want to talk to me directly you can contact me on your own but posting about it here publicly is completely out of line and also some immature bs. i feel surprised that you feel surprised that i don’t feel at all inspired to come to you to mend things after this bs.

    i’m not a man and i’m not stepping up to deal with your feelings and puttng mine aside. i have feelings too. and i don’t give a f*ck about yours right now.

    otherwise, good luck with everything. don’t bother me about it here.

    and don’t put words in my mouth when i post here. just because i said i don’t like being outgirled and i appreciate ragnell giving me ideas on how to deal with a certain situation in the future doesn’t mean i said ANY of those words you just put in my mouth. very creative, though.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:54pm

  621. 621: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    This came from Enlightened Manifestor the other day:

    “Sorrow and suffering and misery– everything has to be taken non-seriously because the more seriously you take them, the more difficult it is to get out of them.

    “The more non-serious you are… you can pass through the suffering, through the dark night,
    singing a song. And if one can pass through the dark night singing a song and dancing, then why unnecessarily torture yourself?

    “Make this whole journey from here to here just a beautiful laughing matter.”

    ~ Osho

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:57pm

  622. 622: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Thank you! I was going to write something like that!

    Daria,

    I am a girl. I am not attracted to other girls. I don’t understand why you need to use attraction tools on us. Use those tools on men. But, frankly, I don’t think they’ll be attracted to someone who cares only about her own feelings and no one else’s. I am sorry if that sounds rude.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:59pm

  623. 623: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Marshall Rosenberg said:

    As you get present with all your conflicting emotions and “jackals,” eventually you learn to “sit back and enjoy the fireworks.”

    Took me a long time to get there, but the past few weeks, I say:

    “I can pass through the dark night singing a song … and dancing.”

    Tonight I was planning to go out with all my friends, here in Hollywood, but right now I feel like spending a few hours with God instead.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 8:59pm

  624. 624: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i hear that you think you didn’t attack me. .

    i felt attacked and still feel attacked by the phrase ” i can’t talk to you about nothing anymore”

    i am queen of the universe.

    so are you.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:00pm

  625. 625: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika –

    Thank you!! This is VERY helpful to me right now!!!

    “Daria,

    This came from Enlightened Manifestor the other day:

    “Sorrow and suffering and misery– everything has to be taken non-seriously because the more seriously you take them, the more difficult it is to get out of them.

    “The more non-serious you are… you can pass through the suffering, through the dark night,
    singing a song. And if one can pass through the dark night singing a song and dancing, then why unnecessarily torture yourself?

    “Make this whole journey from here to here just a beautiful laughing matter.”

    ~ Osho

    wow!!!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:03pm

  626. 626: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    So I feel aroused….and mild longing….melted chocolate…sigh…..

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:13pm

  627. 627: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – I thought you were at the convention? I like the protection quote a lot!

    Ragnell – I realized long ago that being able to trigger here would be a form of power, and just let it go. But you sound very authentic to me too.

    Daria – I’m totally cool with you writing Rori, it does not feel good to me that you pull it out; as you did with me, too; on here kind of as a threat. It felt threatening to me. Okay, write her. And when I quote what she says to me, tell me well she can change her mind. That’s fine, it doesn’t feel good, but I can let it be. I agree tho that we are not here to “woo” each other, so I don’t see the need for it.

    I don’t want to feel threatened and I don’t want to feel like I’m too stupid to read a booklet and listen to a cd. I got it, what Rori says, I like it – a lot of it! and still, I don’t agree with you. For me, I was going to just shut up, but for someone else, I’ll go out on that limb.

    Dorothea! paying is a big controversial ball right now – Jason just did a new post on it, it feels good to me that you did it!!! and very cool when we take on being the change and loving care for someone else, yes?

    Gonna go tell my guy g’nite, so I guess I’ll say the same to everyone here.

    Jacqueline

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:15pm

  628. 628: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I’m working through this conflict here and just saw this as an easy start…the only question I have is “Why?” Why bother with this at all when you have so many other ways as a woman to give something back to him? Love, Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:16pm

  629. 629: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    614. Good going, Dorothea!
    Sounds to me like you acted spontaneously in the moment, as you were perfectly moved to do. My feeling is–
    too much playing by the rules and you lose yourself.

    F**k ‘em if they can’t take a joke! haha
    you can take that literally if you want LOL

    L

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:21pm

  630. 630: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I love this about posing…Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:22pm

  631. 631: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm, Rori, that’s a good question. I just wanted to. I”m not sure why. I wanted to give him a break. He’s been taking care of me, feeding me, helping me at work, bringing me gifts to keep my spirits up, just doing everything and more and going broke doing it. in my opinion he deserved a break, even if he isn’t asking for one. he was really appreciative afterwards…it’s hard for men to ask for a break and they don’t want to seem like they can’t step up when they really care about a woman.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:22pm

  632. 632: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, I’m here in LA now, the convention starts tomorrow morning. I’m speaking in the afternoon :)

    I was planning to go out with all my guys tonight, but lately I just haven’t felt like going out much. I got here, and I feel like resting, so that’s what I’m doing. Holosync headphones are on …

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:24pm

  633. 633: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    Thank you for the pre-nup comment. I have no issues signing one but my father (serious Christian) is of the belief that if you need a prenup then you don’t need to get married; it’s planning for the end and not an honest start to an agreement that is til death…the very existence of the prenup says “I don’t trust you, I feel scared, I don’t know if you are the last one, you are a stranger and a threat”.
    My dad is right. It screams fear….and I’m being supportive of the fear by co-signing.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:24pm

  634. 634: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, it was a funny lil thing, because i was just posting here about how i never pay. i don’t have any precise explanation why i did it. i don’t feel bad or anything. he’s sitting here right now taking care of me. :)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:28pm

  635. 635: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I am taking license to practice Non Violent Communications on the following statement.

    Applying the models of NVC, the following set of messages would contribute to conflict as different from reducing conflict:

    “It’s not the first time you say I make you feel yucky. What do you want me to do? I’m not responsible for the way I feel. And I feel like you’re trying to outgirl a girl. That’s not nice.”

    I shall dissect the messages (not the person!)

    “you say I make you feel yucky” – according to the theories, once we introduce “YOU” into the statement, we create a separation between the two or more people in the conversation and it becomes an accusation and we are now in our respective corners lacing up the gloves – “you did…” The other party automatically must defend….”I did not….” “I don’t mean it that way…” We now have the opportunity for escalation, while the goal in NVC is to reduce the opportunity for escalation and build positive energy between the parties.

    Interestingly, one of the most common coaching models actually creates a great deal of opportunity for conflict. It sounds like this:

    “when you ….., I felt,…. what I would prefer is…..”

    In NVC, the effort is to own our own feelings and begin from that place. Such as:

    “I felt hurt when heard how others reacted to my comments, I felt sad and alone in my perspective. I would rather feel like I belong and to have my opinion as valued as those of everyone else.”

    Here I am owning my feelings. By stating what I experienced and what I would prefer to feel like, opens the opportunity for others to come forward and discuss how the change could potentially take place. It is reasonably neutral and wouldn’t typically set others on a defensive energy track.

    “I am not responsible for the way I feel”. NVC is focused on owning and taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. People, events etc. may trigger a reaction, none the less we are responsible for that reaction and all behaviors and feelings we experience as a result of that trigger. In NVC, even with the work I have done with Post Traumatic Stress Reaction, the journey is to discover the trigger points to our reactions and resulting behaviors. Once we set about discovering what these triggers are, we can effectively move to problem solving and over time the impact is quite remarkable. I have, with my PTS situations, seen a remarkable ability of people to build their self-management and containment capabilities at incredibly young ages. Us parents of special needs kids learn how to work our lives with NVC as it is a true life-saver.

    “And I feel like you are…” again this is a statement that will engender escalation of conflict, when the goal may be to engage in a discussion. It is difficult to choose to discuss from a neutral energy place when on the receiving end of “you are doing…”. To open the dialog, changing the statement to something like : “I would feel best having a conversation about …once I have had my Starbucks”; “I feel safe in our relationship when we talk freely and without censure about…”; “I feel like I belong to the group when I am included…”

    I first learned Non Violent Communications something like 20 years ago.I continue to practice – daily. It is not easy and at the same time, it is an incredibly powerful means of building energy inspiring relationships.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:30pm

  636. 636: joanNo Gravatar says:

    In #502, Ragnell wrote:

    Brenda,
    I think that text is a bad idea. It feels silly and stupid and manipulative and like begging for the guy to say “I love you too”. I don’t like it.

    But, if she had written:

    Brenda,
    That (text idea) feels bad. I would feel silly and stupid and manipulative and like I was begging for the guy to say, “I love you, too”. I don’t like it.

    then, nobody could/would have taken issue with her comment because she had spoken in the Feeling Message “formula”.

    I get the same gist either way. I thought she was commenting on the potential message, not the writer. I feel confused and agitated.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:33pm

  637. 637: joanNo Gravatar says:

    @Dorothea, re treating for dinner … felt good to hear. I *think* there’s nothing wrong with showing appreciation in whatever way feels right to you.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:39pm

  638. 638: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    sounds like a fun moment, Dorothea…thanks for filling me in…Love, rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:41pm

  639. 639: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling freaked out and haunted in a way.

    I was just watching a tv show about a sex offender, and so decided to run a sex offender check for people in my neighborhood.

    The man across the street, the one who calls me his “girlfriend” is a registered sex offender with 2 counts against him (rape). I feel horrified. I often walk my dog at night and work at home with my doors and windows wide open.

    I moved here about a year ago. The last place I lived in, I was hanging out in a park in my gated community and was approached and asked out by another neighbor of mine. That same day, someone send me a sex registry email, so I checked.

    The guy who asked me out was a registered sex offender. I got a weird vibe from him, which is why I didn’t accept his offer for a date, but I also seriously considered it because I had just broken up with someone, blah blah blah.

    I don’t know how many ways to tell God/myself/the Universe that I don’t want to be alone anymore, that I want a man with me to love and protect me. What else can I do!?!?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:45pm

  640. 640: joanNo Gravatar says:

    @Lizzie,

    When I initially read, “I’m not responsible for the way I feel”, I believed the second “I” was a typo. Based on the rest of the comment, I believed the intention was “I am not responsible for the way (you) feel”.

    I would like to have clarification from the author, Ragnell, rather than assuming either way.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:47pm

  641. 641: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    my pleasure, rori.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:47pm

  642. 642: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    What if it’s okay to send texts, just to see how it feels?

    What if it’s okay to pay sometimes, just to see how it feels?

    What if all the fear and other icky emotions actually disappear, when we act in spite of the fear, and get present with the feelings until they dissolve, and change the beliefs?

    Ain’t nobody putting rules on me. I’m all for experimenting and practicing feminine energy, but if I need to say something, by God, I’m going to say it. Fear be damned. Advice be damned. Peanut gallery be damned.

    Thank you :)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:50pm

  643. 643: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    okay, I’m going to turn this around and instead feel grateful that it has come to my attention that my neighbor is a sex offender.

    The gift comes in the fact that I AM protected and I DO know what’s going on, and so I can take steps to protect myself.

    …and I’m grateful that I chose to follow my intuition with the first guy.

    But, wow! How awesome would it feel to have my man with me so that I could feel safe in my own home…

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 9:57pm

  644. 644: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m trying to catch up and posting as I go.

    Jennifer: Consider me Fan Club member numero uno. We need a cool name for your club. “Wicked… something”. I love when you say that word!

    Oh… I met a boy tonight. Well several boys. I was totally CDing every person in sight. Went to a sushi meetup. Let’s just say that as we were all leaving… all the boys… they were standing all around me. It was kind of funny actually.

    And the 26 year old sitting beside me (just above my 25 year old cut level – lol!)… soooo cute… he asked for me to friend him on FB (which I did). He sent me this note:

    “It was great meeting you. you’re 10.5 years older than me… but you’re still very attractive :)

    Woohoo! So much fun!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:05pm

  645. 645: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Doesn’t that strike you as statistically odd?

    Kinda like the time several years ago when four different guys I was dating all told me they had GFs and couldn’t see me anymore, in the same week?

    The only way that was possible is that it was a projection of my own fear …

    oooh, I feel a little vulnerable saying that … like it might be triggering to hear … that what I’m saying is, fear is not real unless we make it real …

    that resonate with you?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:08pm

  646. 646: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, Thank you for the NVC info – thank you Daria, and Ragnell, and Brenda, and Erika, and Dorothea (so sorry if I’ve left you off, I can only see this one page now…but I love you…) – and clearly, it seems like I got a lot of my Feeling Messages tools from NVC – but I didn’t! (I’m sure it seeped in – you’re so right, it’s just a common “coaching tool” you learn, and a kind of common thread in a lot of “communication skills” teachings.) BUT – I pulled it from a lot of places. I’d say P.E.T is my biggest influence technically, and then from my years as an actor and director and acting coach in how I like to work. Many parenting books, body-mind books, but mostly my own experience putting everything I could imagine together myself.

    Now – I want to get into this “row.” Okay…so I heard the anger, the triggering, the offense-taken, the non-correct non-feeling messages – but, all I felt was a big GRIN! I expected to have to step in and protect someone, but I didn’t have to! Here’s what I got:

    1. Each of us wants exactly the same thing. The feeling of love and being loved and loving and warmth and juiciness Forever After.
    AND…2. Each of us is totally different!! We will each be attracted to and attract different men who will meld with OUR differences.
    3. What I heard was – each of you got triggered. and – no one CAVED! You stayed standing, stood up for yourselves, expressed yourselves – and…I think…got heard. You just didn’t AGREE with each other. You’re still working it through…yayyy!

    My only tweak is what Lizzie is talking about…Ragnell and Dorothea, too, Erika..actually all of you – you make me think – strong, tough, smart…and….just know…I don’t INSIST on anything. I’m not about “rules.” I’m about PRACTICING.

    So – let’s say you came to my “ashram.” I’d ask you to sit at certain hours, and meditate on certain things, and eat and sleep with suggestions and guidelines. I’d provide structure. I’d provide a safe environment. I’d provide mediation and personal attention. So -if you wanted to come to my ashram…why would you not want to do what I suggest? I’m not for everyone…but if speaking in Feeling Messages as practice to get further into your emotional self and be able to express your deepest feelings (not necessarily the easiest ones to find) isn’t your cup of tea, and yet it’s the cornerstone of my “practice” – what exactly is here for you?

    I know this…a blissed-out, happily ever-aftered woman would likely not even know I exist. So…there is something here for everyone who shows up! So – the “thinking” around Brenda’s text and other moments of conflict here- for me – is not about the “judgment or non-judgment” but about the “thinking.” If you say what you think, you’re in your head. You are describing. You’re losing your “poetry.” It’s not supposed to be PhD time, it’s not supposed to be Erica Jong (my favorite) – it’s just supposed to be the poetry of YOU. You can’t be in the poetry of you and think about what someone else is doing or saying at the same time. Not possible. It’s either head, or heart, or body.

    If you disagree with me, fine with me…and I still welcome you here…and value your input and your presence. All of you seem to me to be especially powerful, and it makes me feel proud. I know for sure that as you start to forget about what’s out there, and focus on the beauty of what’s in here – everything softens, and you don’t lose your power.

    We’re all in this together. There is no conflict. If you’ve come for conflict, then we’re indebted to you for triggering us and helping us see what happens when we stand up for ourselves – and if we can stay soft even in that place…we are all facets of the same crystal. We are interwoven and shining amongst ourselves and shining deep into each other’s dark places. We have purpose. We have desire. We are matching up together in ways we can’t know. Let’s find THOSE CONNECTIONS – so we can take what we learn from THAT, with each other…in our relationships with men “out there.”

    The small stuff helps get to the bigger stuff, but it’s not about the small stuff. If we all stick with the goal of learning, and forget about being “right,” we all win. Arguing sometimes gets us there. I’m the last person in the world to sing the praises of “nice.” Love, Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:11pm

  647. 647: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    My father, who was never very demonstrative of his love for her, gave my mother a birthday card. It said “I know I am not very good at saying I love you….etc”
    and at the end it said, but i want to tell you now that I love you more than anything in the world.

    Wow. I had very mixed emotions over that. Happiness for my mother that my father finally! stepped up and expressed that. And deep melancholy that the man who I had hoped would finally open his heart to me, can only say that a relationship is the last thing on their list of priorities, but meanwhile is on pof looking for dates.

    I love feeling my feelings and enjoying the fireworks display!

    I feel like I am living deeply…so much better than being numb…

    L

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:11pm

  648. 648: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Awww Daria! Your post 586 to Jennifer rocked! I feel so much love for you.

    And Jennifer, I feel exactly the same way as Daria. You are awesome and beautiful! I feel really baffled by this whole dating situation. I can’t understand why you are having so much difficulty. I mean that honestly. And I still say being “worked like a summer job” is hands-down my favorite quote of all time. It still cracks me up to say that! Way more laughter than “vulva” gets any day! ;-)

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:12pm

  649. 649: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, YES! That’s why I said “haunted”! It’s statistically crazy!

    I don’t think I’m afraid of being a victim of a predator. If anything, I’ve been a little careless in the past, and am grateful that no serious harm has come to me.

    Are you saying I shouldn’t be afraid unless I make it real? (I’m a little confused about what you said about fear)

    But twice in two years is enough to make me sit up and take notice. What about me is attracting this?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:13pm

  650. 650: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    healingsound, welcome, and you just need some experience with this and some support. We’ll help you. You have to do the photos – great ones, and great profile…if you want to play, you have to play. Love, Rori

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:14pm

  651. 651: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    So I’m sitting here at my desk, just kind of staring off into space, and asking, “am I afraid? Is that why this has brought itself to me?”

    …when my eyes focused and I realized that I was staring at the title of a book that is poking out of the bookshelf – all skewed so I can see the title – which is “She’s Scared.”

    OMG – okay, so what do I feel afraid of? Am I afraid of men? I don’t think so – I love men! I have a good father and good brothers. I have dated good men, but am always afraid they are going to leave (which of course becomes a self fulfilling prophesy). I know I have issues with men leaving in my life… my dad was military, and always deployed. But I thought I had dealt with that!

    …and what’s this sex offender thing!?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:21pm

  652. 652: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …and then I just remembered that I’ve been waking up with the name of an ex on my lips (totally subconsciously) who was violent with me. But I removed myself from that situation, and cut off all contact with him before I was really hurt. I felt good about how I removed myself from the potential of serious harm.

    …but I did ask myself the other day, “Why do you have G’s name on your mind all the time?”

    eek, what’s going on? This feels weird.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:24pm

  653. 653: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    i have to be inspired in order to practice, it has to flow from somewhere deep. I can’t think my way through it, it feels very foreigh to me. It’s like when someone asks what are your favorite movies? I just don’t have a list ready to recite. I have to be moved in some way to remember those movies that I love. This blog inspires me.

    Thank you and good night.

    L

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 10:27pm

  654. 654: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    roll call. is anyone up?

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:27pm

  655. 655: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    I am

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:28pm

  656. 656: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay life is short (and fulfilling deep and beautiful)!

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:29pm

  657. 657: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    I mean yay for you, life is. I feel happy you feel inspired.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:30pm

  658. 658: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I
    am
    up…..and wanting to be asleep

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:34pm

  659. 659: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    My night turned kind of weird.

    maybe i just ate too much shrimp.

    mmmm honey prawns

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:39pm

  660. 660: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Ooo honey prawns. Wow that sounds awesome I’ve never heard or thot of that. Yum.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:42pm

  661. 661: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    It is chinese food stuff. It reminded me of walnut shrimp.

    about an hour ago i started feeling headachey poisoned

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:49pm

  662. 662: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    somthing triggered me really bad tonight with LI before i left his apartment for mine and i feel upset about it and also embarrassed to share it here since i was just saying how lovely he is.

    he’s still lovely i guess i’m just feeling fcking annoyed

    then i left and i forgot something extremely important at his house and now he is walking freaking 40 min to my house to bring it to me in the middle of the night. i’mlike JEEZ why couldn’t i remember it and not have to see him again tonight? i want to be aloooone right now.

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:56pm

  663. 663: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohh… i love walnut shrimp. i got a headache too, i think mine was from being upset and tightening hard, but who knows. Rori was having one too.

    sorry you feel that way. freakin, oyster sauce at a chinese food place (twice) gave me a weird alergic numb feeling on my head and back of my neck, and the tips of my ears were burning up… very strange!!

    hope you feel better soon, i dono what would help, maybe sage tea (its suppose to be good for headaches)

    i feel tired it might be from having tightened up, or maybe cuz the 12 miles i biked .

    im sleepy! says whiny voice. but i dont want to go to sleep, says awake curious voice.

    sigh. says third voice.

    i lov emy voices

    Friday, 24 September 2010 @ 11:58pm

  664. 664: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh… nods head emphatically feeling like a dorky puppy

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:01am

  665. 665: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    why does it switch from daisy to daria?

    12 miles is far! i biked 37 to the North Sea once and I was in pain for a week.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:02am

  666. 666: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i get triggered by people’s wives. aka, women i think will feel threatened by me.

    today i met a guy friend to play dominoes, it was me and 3 guys, in one of their backyards. the one who’s backyard it was is married, and his wife periodically came in and yelled at him

    it was also interesting to hear how what she said “wtf, i told your stupid ass not to smoke near the baby”

    and “come here”

    bothered him slightly (my guess looking at his facial expression) , yet he reacted to her energy…

    which in the come here place felt genuine and sincere , a lil frightened and needing help,

    even tho her words didn’t match it

    that felt really intriguing.

    But what i was feeling was scared. so scared that i felt scared to stay too long after my guy friend left. i didn’t want her to start trippin off me being there

    to the point that i didnt feel safe (energetically)

    i was like, getting obsessed with that in my head

    i channeled goddesses to get bakc into feeling connected to nature and my surroundings

    but i want this healed! really i do!

    i want my fear of women healed! thank you angels. please help do it easily and quickly and funly.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:05am

  667. 667: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh, its still Daisy on my ipod. Dang.

    I have small bruises on my butt bones probably. but i am cool.

    37 is like whoa.

    i felt like i did a marathon with the 12

    i can’t imagine 37. jes8us

    and i had worked out 4 days in a row previously, so i thought id be in shape, which i was a lil bit

    i want to strech my legs, they are now getting that lil hump on the hamstrings that Lou the stretchy body fix trauma release guy says happens when fascia isn’t stretched

    and i think its making my back ache

    i feel like im blabbing

    some guy called me and he triggered me now

    mph

    i feel sleepy

    im gonna take my ass to sleep and maybe hypnotize myself to sleep

    …. ohhh now i feel excited cuz i thought of downloading some more wendi friesen ish

    .

    how is GRE prep going?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:11am

  668. 668: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel a bit… strained? afraid? vulnerable?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:24am

  669. 669: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria talking of angels has just reminded me of how I keep playing with these Doreen Virtue Angel Cards, they kind of give you a reading so every now and then when I am bored I will choose one and I swear to God I keep getting the same 5 cards over and over (I think it is a deck of 48) anyways they all centre on love and relationships, every single one of them over and over and I keep getting the Cupid card and even though I don’t really believe in this stuff I do say a little prayer to receive this love into my life and not be afraid, I think I do have a fear of men…….not like they scare me, but if I am in boy energy they don’t bother me and I feel I can “match” them but since doing this girl energy thing it has made me question lots of mistakes I have made in my life and I completely forgive myself.

    I love this quote from Maya Angelou, may not be verbatim, but it goes something like this:

    I did what I thought was right at the time, and when I knew better, I did better.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:28am

  670. 670: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Well since posting my profile last night I have had 10 winks, only 2 from decent types and I haven’t replied to anybody yet..

    I feel scared
    I feel they won’t like me
    I feel they will be angry because I lied about my age
    I feel I can’t live up to others expectations of me
    I feel really vulnerable and exposed
    I am scared about being on my own for the rest of my life most of all….

    I DON’T want to do this CD’ing but I know I have to do it. I just want one man who loves me just the way I am and who I can love right back without scaring him off with all my leaning forward, masculine DOING energy and over functioning ways.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:05am

  671. 671: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Siena & Lakshmi — I feel your pain. I have never been married and I get really tired of people asking me why. I now usually just tell people it’s because I spent most of my life as a man and am just now getting comfortable as a woman. That usually shuts them up, lol;-)

    But when I’m in the midst of one of my fear cycles, I feel that same way, which is where Lakshmi’s comment came from initially — one of my rants about feeling so ashamed for not being able to carry on a normal, healthy adult relationship and how I’m tired of people assuming there’s something wrong with me because I haven’t been married.

    I’m going to say this aloud so maybe it will really soak into my brain — there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I have made some bad choices, both in the men I’ve chosen and in the way I’ve sometimes behaved, but I am a wonderful person with a lot to offer. I used to have a deep-seated fear of losing the man I was dating, but I am replacing that with the knowledge that men will ultimately choose me to be with if I don’t let the fear get the best of me. I can choose to react to the fear that may surface or not — I choose not to react to that fear. That is my new belief.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:43am

  672. 672: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #562 – You said, “Brenda – what about practicing flirting by looking men in the eye and smiling… that turns out to be much more flirtatious”

    Because I’ve been practicing THAT with Bill for 8 months. **Grin!** I was experimenting, as you would say. Thanks, tho!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:29am

  673. 673: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #568 – You said, “Omg Brenda that’s amazing with Ryan! I am gealous of u u siren! I have tears in my eyes… I wish guywhohadababy will call me… It will be him or someone I love more! I love my feelings!

    Celebration”

    Thank you! I feel so happy and light! I hope guywhohadababy calls you, too. I would have totally lost him without Rori and all you wonderful Sirens. Daria, I can’t thank you enough for all the time and effort you’ve spent helping me finetune my Siren skills! I feel so fulfilled being more and more in my feminine.

    Jacqueline, thank you for all the balloons! Yes, I did float home!!!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:48am

  674. 674: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    RE: #581 – “Where’s my freakin fan club?”

    May I join the Jennifer RED HOT Fan Club? :-)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:55am

  675. 675: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow — apparently I missed all the fireworks last night. I feel somewhat responsible because the initial suggestion by Brenda was an effort to help me, but then I feel like I’m trying to make all this attention about me, which I feel guilty and selfish about. I hope everyone involved in the dust up learned more about themselves and about what’s effective in their communication styles…

    I guess I’m back into the cd’ing mindset…cougar man has stepped up again and is saying he wants a relationship with me…this is a slight departure from where he was a couple of weeks ago…after I had a mini-implosion with him 3-4 weeks ago, he stayed in contact, but had backed off and seemed to be moving towards a “friends w/benefits” situation, which I told him I didn’t want. He didn’t correct my asssumption at the time, though, so that reinforced in my mind that this is what he was seeking and even though I was feeling lonely at the time and I had fun with him, I feel proud of the fact that I said “no” to getting crumbs…this may not seem like a lot, but it’s actually a nice step forward for me in the area of setting boundaries, so yay me for doing that.

    When things were winding down with cougar man, I really wanted closure, but he wouldn’t give me any closure and I let it go. But, like Rori has said, if you don’t insist on closure w/a man, he will likely come back around, and here he is, hat in hand, asking me to get together for a nice dinner.

    I’m under no illusions here though…this man has not been sitting around pining for me these past few weeks…he’s been on Match like a mad man and now that he’s been out with a few other women, he’s started realizing that he had it pretty good w/me. I guess that’s flattering, but I still remember how bad it felt when he started pulling away and how it triggered my fear of loss, which led to some not-so-sireny behavior on my part.

    Having him come back around, though, feels somewhat healing to me…I reacted some to the fear w/him, but I didn’t behave as badly as I have in similar situations in the past, and his return is just reinforcing the idea that choosing to not react to that fear of loss, if/when it occurs again, is definitely more effective behavior…his return is also massaging my ego at the moment, which got a little bruised this week (as most of you have already read, ad nauseum:-).

    Between cougar man’s return and the convo I had w/the cute dr last night who asked me out, I’m feeling so much better than I was 2 days ago! I don’t necessarily agree w/everything Rori says, but most of what she says is just so right on, that I have to give props to her right now…cd’ing and not insisting on closure have both proven valuable to me this week and I appreciate the instruction/encouragement on using these tools.

    It feels like Blondie is getting close to being back in “total adoration” mode…he’s txting me good night and good morning and still (as far as I know) has his Match profile down, so that feels good. But the more centered I feel within myself, the more I’m starting to feel like it would be ok if he put his profile back up…I would prefer he didn’t, but if he does and if he goes out on dates w/other women, I still think I’ll come out ahead. If you would have seen/felt his reaction to me when we first met…he was completely blown away. I just can’t imagine him having that reaction to many other women, you know?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:08am

  676. 676: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #602 – You said, “I feel empowered with the ability to make Daria and Brenda feel bad. I feel cornered to turn to boy energy, but now that I’ve been put in this position, I’ve grown to like this power over your feelings.”

    If you feel nurtured off power, I wonder if you are insecure. I feel no desire or enjoyment from having power over another person or animal. I feel great joy in harmony with other people and animals.

    As for people responding to your comments, I responded with compassion when you talked about leaving the site. I will speak for myself: I don’t always have time to respond to every comment, and I don’t always have anything to contribute. But I have found from being on here since April that if I am on here regularly, two way communication naturally results.

    I don’t feel any hostility towards you. I feel compassion toward your anger, irritation, and annoyance.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:12am

  677. 677: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee – Awesome! You go sexy CDing Siren!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:15am

  678. 678: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline — I don’t know if you’re up and about yet this morning, but I have a question about something you said the other day regarding Blondie…you said it sounded like he was pulling back a little to evaluate me, which, if I remember correctly, you said was male behavior that typically occurs around 3 months into a relationship. I’m curious about that pattern — can you elaborate? Interestingly enough, the day before his temporary bout w/cold feet, Blondie had told me that it felt like we had been going out about 3.5 months instead of 1 month, which is an interesting coincidence to me.

    Brenda — how are you this morning? I’m so glad you felt so good yesterday:-). Did you have a nice evening?

    Jennifer — can I join the Wicked Jennifer fan club? Btw — it’s totally up to you, of course, but on the topic of putting lingerie/risquee photos of yourself online: I can’t tell you how many men have mentioned something to me when they approach me online about the fact that I seem ‘classy’ or like a lady…I have pics that show both my body and my face, but in a tasteful way and that seems to be working for me…I would feel slutty if I put risquee pics of myself online, but I have a slight chip on my shoulder about that, so I suspect my perspective is skewed…let us know what you decide to do though. I hope things pick up for you soon:-)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:21am

  679. 679: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #609 – You said, “I’ve been called yucky”

    I did NOT call you yucky, and I would never call you yucky. I said reading what you wrote makes ME feel yucky. I learned that from Rori’s CD programs, to say how I feel in the moment. I didn’t feel love coming from your statement. I don’t feel much compassion or love coming from many of your statements at all. I am giving you compassion, not anger. Like Rori said in her long post above, this is a place for EVERYONE to find healing and growth. That is what I’m about.

    I feel yucky reading almost all your posts on this thread. I don’t like to be treated with disrespect. What do you think/feel?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:23am

  680. 680: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Question — Earlier this week (I think it was this week) some of you sirens were posting about an astrology report you had gotten that seemed very accurate. That made me curious, so I went to the Dept. of Vital Statistics and got a copy of my birth certificate so I could see what time I was born and now I’d like to get one of those astrology reports…can you all tell me if there are some you would highly recommend? I guess I would be mostly interested in the romantic implications, but if any of you know of a reader/website that seems to give an accurate depiction of your entire life, I’d be open to that as well. Thank you!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:30am

  681. 681: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Renee,

    I’m still floating on balloon 144! Ryan commented several times that I sound like I’m doing really good! I felt totally positive vibes from him, and I have every reason to believe he will call me again soon! I worked hard to reconnect THIS relationship, hard on my inner healing, that is! And it is so worth it! Thank you, Rori! Thank you, Sirens!

    Last night I celebrated that and other good things by dating myself at a restaurant, where I journaled and brainstormed! Today I’m going to a picnic with my friend’s two children while she’s in a class.

    RED HOT JENNIFER…

    In 2000, when I looked a little better, my friend took a whole bunch of photos of me for my online profile, after giving me a makeover! She draped a shiny peach bedspread behind me, so that’s all that could be seen in the background.

    One time I shared a sexy photo with a man, and he said, “What magazine did you pull that out of?” He was doubting it was really me! He actually asked me to send him some snapshots to prove I was the sexy woman in the photo! LOL! It was one of the biggest compliments I’ve ever been given, indirectly! LOL! I think Daria is right on about sexy pics!

    For me, I feel motivated all over again to lose weight…Ry Guy is back in my life! :-)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:31am

  682. 682: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I feel so good about you getting motivated to lose weight. As you know, I’ve had my own battle w/weight and it feels so much better being thin. I attract so many more men than I used to, not to mention the fact that I like myself more.

    One other thing that helped me (and this may not apply to you at all) was getting treated for my depression. Mine was not severe (I never got suicidal, for example) but was chronic. I feel very vulnerable sharing this with everyone because I still feel some shame around the fact that I take an anti-depressant, but once my dr. and I found the right medication (Wellbutrin, btw — I think it’s awesome!), I felt stronger emotionally and that enabled me to do a better job of eating more healthfully. I had already lost about 40 pounds before I got treatment, but I seemed stuck there. Once we had my depression adequately addressed, I was able to take off the remaining 25lbs.

    I feel like I’m courting judgements here because I know there are some people who feel depression is always just a series of past hurts that have never been healed, but I believe, in many cases, there’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that’s inherited and there’s a long history of (mostly untreated) depression in my family. My older sister and I broke the cycle by getting treated, and I’ve accepted the fact that I will probably be on medication the rest of my life. I was worried about the fact that I may want to have a child someday, but apparently this drug is pretty safe in pregnant women, and if I get too worried about it, I feel I can stop for 9 months, knowing that the resulting depression will be temporary.

    Anyway — none of this may resonate w/you, but I have a belief that says many overweight people are actually depressed and would benefit from treatment, both emotionally and physically. I feel really good about your feelings of motivation right now, though and I hope your great feelings just expand and totally take you to the most loving place you’ve been to:-).

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:55am

  683. 683: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad and turned off. I am starting to like this blog less and less.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:17am

  684. 684: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i guess i could just stop posting here instead of bitching about it. sorry

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:37am

  685. 685: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I really appreciated your ashram metaphor, and everything you said. The reason I posted the Osho quotation is I’ve noticed lately how I can be in the middle of being ragingly pissed off at somebody, or myself, and suddenly notice that all the while I feel happy anyway. It’s a wonderful feeling :)

    Siena, okay, I hope this feels welcome to you … something so important I learned from Debbie Ford, from her Light Chasers book that Rori recommended to me years ago … you ARE the sexual predator. This feels like Shadow energy to me … are you open to exploring the part of you that is reflected in the sexual predator? To me, this is where all this gets to feeling really edgy and also where most of the real power is, acknowledging the parts we hate about ourselves, or feel super uncomfortable with …

    I hear something similar going on for Renee with “risque” photos … Renee, do you feel open to that?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:45am

  686. 686: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    That’s why I appreciated Ragnell’s authenticity so much, and really Daria’s too when she wanted to smash someone’s head … acknowledging the part of ourselves that feels really scary and even sadistic, the part that feels silenced and will do anything to be heard, even if it’s destructive …

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:48am

  687. 687: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — I feel sad that you’re not enjoying this blog as much as you used to. I’m making assumptions as to why, but I hope things will be healed soon.

    I have enjoyed your voice on this blog so much — I hope you decide to stay. You often come up with excellent suggestions and you seem so strong to me so many times…I know about your struggle with overfuctioning and I learn from you when you manage to stay leaned back most of the time. And even though it seemed like a small point initially, I totally got what you were doing when you treated your LI to Chinese the other day — I treated Blondie to Chinese too because he had just been giving and giving and giving and I felt like giving a little in return, not to get anything back, just because I was feeling adored and wanted to give a little.

    Anyway — I know you touch many people here on the blog so I vote for you, Dorothea!:-)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:49am

  688. 688: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks renee
    i’m just feeling really not into seeing people pick each other apart anymore. it’s like the same 3 or 4 people who end up posting 70% of the comments on a thread, and most of those comments feel AWFUL to read.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:52am

  689. 689: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    And, Renee, I’m going out on a vulnerability limb here and say, I feel very frustrated hearing you say you’ll be on medication for your life, and that you are somehow condemned forever due to your family’s history. To me, that is just an excuse to stay stuck. Sorry, I am not meaning to be triggering.

    I have worked with several people who came to me depressed and felt markedly better after a few sessions. You can see my 15-week Course description to hear a guy who went from depression to jumping out of bed in the morning with sheer excitement in four weeks.

    I feel exasperated hearing resignation. Help is here, if you will just be open to receiving it.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:53am

  690. 690: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Now I’m off to the Summit …

    I realize I’m not always the most “gentle” voice here. That’s because too often I see sympathy and advice on here that are keeping people stuck. If other people buy into your story, they are not helping you. The story you are telling yourself about yourself IS the problem. Sympathizing with it makes it worse. Seeing that it’s a story with no power over you whatsoever helps you let it go.

    Phew, a burst of anger, a big deep breath, a touch of sadness, a sigh of relief, and I’m off … ;)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:57am

  691. 691: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — I feel a little apprehensive, but I would be open to hearing what you have to say about my concern about risque photos posted online.

    I feel compelled to share with you that I have a somewhat high profile position in real life, so I simply wouldn’t be comfortable posting lingerie shots of myself in a public forum. I often work with born again Christian ministers and their families and I don’t think they’d be accepting of my expressing that side of myself in such a forum.

    Having said that, I do adore lingerie and have a whole drawer full of it…I used to feel too self-conscious to wear it unless I’d had several drinks, but over the past year, I’ve become more comfortable displaying myself in pretty lingerie with a partner I feel safe with.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:00am

  692. 692: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — I understand what you mean. I’m feeling guilty now because I’ve been such a blog hog these past couple of days, but I have gotten so much support here lately, that I feel my gratitude outweighs my guilt.

    I feel awful reading a lot of what’s posted here too…especially when I feel people being picked on. When I was young, I was in with a group of “mean girls” who took turns ignoring one girl out of the group periodically…when it was your turn, you felt picked on, singled out, hurt…when it was someone else’s turn to be ignored, I didn’t feel good about it but went along with it because I wanted to stay as part of the ‘cool’ group. I’ve been both the picker and the pickee and neither feels good.

    I know I’m not the best as expressing myself in feeling messages on here, but I take the spirit of what Rori posted recently regarding speaking in a loving, supportive way to each other and I try to do that as much as possible…I wish everyone felt good enough about themselves to be more loving to others here on the board.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:08am

  693. 693: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — I’m open to getting off medication, but I’m also accepting myself either way, regardless of whether I need medication or not…I feel judged by your comment and like you’re preying on my vulnerability to get me to sign on as a client…I also say this knowing that you are very strong and can handle my being this blunt with you.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:12am

  694. 694: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I am in same position as you re high profile job. You may have noticed that I have lingerie shots on my website. That didn’t happen without first addressing a whole lot of fear and beliefs that seemed “true.”

    Yes, I figured you would probably hear what I said that way. I do feel exasperated sometimes seeing people talk about problems that I know I can help them be done with forever. I feel unseen when they talk about these problems being with them “for life” after I’ve shared so many success stories from people I’ve worked with that prove that’s not true. Yes, I do want them to work with me as my clients. This is my life purpose, to help people realize that all the beliefs they thought were true are a bunch of bullshit that they can finally let go of and breathe a huge sigh of relief. I feel very fulfilled by helping people do this.

    Bye for now,
    Erika

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:18am

  695. 695: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    And I am really really sick and tired of hearing people suggest that I and other coaches are doing this for the money.

    If I were in it for the money I would have just continued being a lawyer.

    I feel livid. Do you know the entire first year I blogged and coached at conferences, I did it for free? I spent thousands of dollars out of my own pocket and did it for free.

    That this weekend I’m spending three days coaching for free, at my own expense.

    Do you not see this money stuff is just yet more excuses to stay stuck?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:31am

  696. 696: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    That’s how much I believe in this stuff, and when people project their petty ego bullshit ‘she’s just in it for the money’ garbage, it feels shitty.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:32am

  697. 697: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    But don’t listen to me, keep spending thousands of dollars and wasting time on things that don’t work and will never work to set you free … That’s the ego’s whole purpose … To keep you on that hamster wheel forever …

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:35am

  698. 698: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — At no time did I say that you do this “just for the money”…you seem to go off on this issue frequently and as a potential client, it makes me shrink away from you like if you can’t handle your own emotions regarding the way you run your business, I don’t want to dip my toe in the water of that business…it gives me lack of faith not only in your ability to run your business, but also in your ability to communicate in a way that is non-confrontational…and there are definitely plenty of people on this board who go against the grain and lovingly point out where others may be stuck — but when you write on the board with that attitude, it makes me feel like it would be bad judgement to consider spending money for your therapy.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:42am

  699. 699: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    All told, I probably spent close to $200K developing HBR and coaching for free. I subsidized that from my own personal income. I feel really unseen when people act as if all I want from them is money. I still feel livid.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:48am

  700. 700: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I know you think that Renee. I can feel you judging.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:49am

  701. 701: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I addresss your concerns in detail and ask for your feedback, and you don’t write back. I can feel you judging, and I don’t appreciate it at all.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:50am

  702. 702: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, I’ve been on the phone…I don’t like being chased around the internet because you’re having a meltdown. If you emailed me, I haven’t read it yet, so get off my back.

    I now feel really yucky about how you’ve been talking to me and the story you’re telling yourself. I don’t expect any therapist to be perfect, but I do expect them to be living examples of what they teach if they want my confidence.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:12am

  703. 703: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I’m not recruiting you as a client. My email was about a week ago.

    Depression is anger turned inward. Period. It’s not hereditary. It’s not caused by chemical imbalances. It comes from judging which is frozen anger.

    I was depressed. I’m not now.

    If you are depressed, it’s because you want to be.

    I don’t waste my time playing the ‘never good enough’ game with people who don’t want to get better

    I hope it’s obvious I’m not recruiting anyone as a client. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass to get them to sign up. I tell them the truth, and when they are ready to hear it, they sign up all by themselves.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:18am

  704. 704: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — Perhaps if you learned to communicate in a more loving, effective way, you wouldn’t have to raise your rates because you would have enough clients banging your door down.

    I refuse to believe anyone who makes the amount of snarky remarks that you do on this board is in some way ‘superior’ to me in terms of mental health or is an expert at the cause of depression. You often present your opinions as facts, which again, doesn’t win you many clients. But, as you’ve said, you don’t really want to gain new clients with your posts, so I’d say you’re doing a darn good job of that with your current attitude.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:23am

  705. 705: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Well at least we now have your judgments out in the open

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:33am

  706. 706: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Before they were veiled under ‘niceness’ and yes that will lead to depression. Only way out though is to see that your judgments are not true cuz it’s impossible to judge me without hating yourself

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:36am

  707. 707: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Erika — I quit. You win. Whatever you say is right and I’m wrong…do you feel better now?

    I won’t engage you anymore because it’s causing me to have negative feelings about the blog when previously, the vast majority of my feelings about the blog were good and loving. You’ve triggered me before but today you decided to go on the attack based from what appears to me to your own limiting beliefs about charging money for what you do and for charging even more money recently. I hope you work on those beliefs and you get past them, but I’m done with this cat-and-mouse game either way.

    Please don’t continue to contact me via email either.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:55am

  708. 708: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Girls,

    You don’t have to feel any love coming from my statements. You need to feel love from the men you want to attract, not from me. And my love is going to the people I care about, not you.

    It is not my obligation to love you. When you focus only on your own feelings, and attribute all the negative ones on me, I lose all interest in reading or listening to you. I’m pushed away by impressions of self-righteousness. I lose respect for people who need to gang up and/or be protected by Rori Raye’s authority.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:02am

  709. 709: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t care about being right. I can feel you judging, and it feels awful, isn’t that something you’d like to know about judging? I’m fine with not continuing this conversation. Enjoy the depression. It goes back to what Osho said.

    There are hundreds of single men here, ladies .. Where are you?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:09am

  710. 710: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Renee – It’s something I’ve known and read about, Jason and I talked about recently and he’s noticed and read about, etc. If you want to email me I’m at houstonrealtionshipsurvey@yahoo.com.

    I’m not wanting to get into the fray this am, so just saying hi – and that’s a very interesting comment from the guy.

    @ Dorothea – I woke up and boyfriend was gone and I felt soooo happy it’s criminal! Yeah for being alone in my house! Whooo hoooo…..

    Everyone have a great Saturday!
    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:16am

  711. 711: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Quitting smoking is hard…it’s making me extra bitc*y, more easily angered…I love my bitc*y feelings, I love my angry feelings…I love the knot in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to vomit. I love feeling my feelings.

    This blog is a safe place…people are loving and supportive here.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:18am

  712. 712: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Dear floating journal-

    More and more Orishas are coming to me.. It feels a lil scary and also wondorous and exciting… It’s like a new image or name comes to focus in my imaginary spirit life every few days… This is just so…, fascinating …

    I feel like I’m special and at the same time “tapped in” to this energetic magic.

    This morning I woke up thinking of oshun and orumilla. This is new, tho I’ve been with oshun and it works amazingly to put me in receiving mode. Orumilla u’s new.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:28am

  713. 713: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline — I emailed you at your other email address (the one posted on your blog’s ‘contact us’ page) because the message I sent to the other address you posted bounced back.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:30am

  714. 714: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    And Brenda,

    If you continue to use the word “yucky” to describe my posts, even under the pretense that those are your feelings, I will respect you less. I’ll think of you as a hypocrite and a liar, and respond to your posts accordingly.

    I am sorry if this message makes you feel more yucky. Perhaps you like feeling yucky, and that preference of yours has nothing to do with my posts.

    I have no interest in making you feel either more or less yucky. I feel good about myself, and I don’t have to make you feel better or worse. That’s something you have to do.

    But I can respond with the same cattiness and self-righteousness and condescendence I sense in your responses to me.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:34am

  715. 715: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I got up this morning to read the latest on this blog……..and it feels horrible…..just horrible…. and not a place I want to be or spend any time……..see you all later

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:17pm

  716. 716: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOZ – don’t worry, all this stirred up stuff will clear up soon, and we’ll be stronger and more beautiful!

    I felt awful too, but I feel so much better listening to songs that make me feel good that i am able to hold energy for the pain feelings and scary stuff

    Smiles Goddess!!!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:20pm

  717. 717: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m jumping on here really quick to write something out that was triggered for me by Siena’s sex offender comment and then Erika’s mention of sexual predator. I feel afraid to write this because I do not want to invite this into my life. I’m hoping that by writing it out something in me will shift. I don’t want to experience this, but here goes…

    I’ve often fantasized about being raped. About being taken against my will. The fantasy for me allows me to be free to receive the things I want. It’s never about the violence but about being told what to do so that I’m “forced” to do the things that maybe I wanted to do all along. And I know in my real life, I’d love to have a man who asked me to do things outside of my comfort zone, a man who would be aggressive about what he wanted.

    Maybe a part of ME would like to feel okay with being aggressive about what I want. (Even if I don’t know what it is that I want.) I’d like to be given the gift of feeling comfortable with receiving during sex, with it being all about me and my pleasure. And that seems bass-akwards from what being raped would be about. So why do I fantasize about it?

    I even have a friend who came to me fairly recently in sheer panic (aka severe panic attack – couldn’t breath, etc.) because she was reliving her rape(s). After I helped her through it, I felt weird. I felt almost turned on by it. I feel horrible to write those words but it’s definitely how I felt. Like wow, I’d love for a man to be aggressive and “manly” and allow me to be the sex goddess I want to be.

    Okay, feeling afraid that this will trigger other people. I feel disgusted with this side of myself. I do not want to be raped. I would like this healed God.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:20pm

  718. 718: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    I think what you fantasize about is not rape. Perhaps what you want is a taken in hand relationship. You may want to visit http://www.takeninhand.com and check if you can relate to some of the nodes there. This one could be the place to start:

    http://www.takeninhand.com/when.rape.is.a.gift

    And don’t worry. It is nothing strange to want to be taken by force, which wouldn’t exactly be against our will.

    Tell me what you think about it after checking it out, ok?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:30pm

  719. 719: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sahnnon – just chiming in to say that when i read about rapes i get turned on too. I was definintely scared and tried to shut this down when i first noticed it,

    but more recently i have been bravely babystepping to allow myself to learn about myself with intent and …

    well i think its somthign similar to what you describe, it triggers a certain fantasy and for me i feel like maybe im the man and get to do this thing i really want to do…

    and i’ve allowed myself to feel this and reassured myself that i’m not sick, and i felt a lil better able to open to myself…

    i feel inspired by what you wrote to now think that yes, maybe it IS about a part of me that wants to get what she wants, pleasure, etc.

    its only been a lil babystep for me to hold space for this,

    but i do Think its a pretty common thing among women

    to fantasize about

    and also i realized well a part of me is turned on by the idea of sex, yes and yes one of the people seem to from the outside be getting a Lot of pleasure by winding up having sex with someone who is not usually accessible to them … or something

    but i clearly saw that it was the sex turning me on, and i reassured myself that it’s ok for my body getting turned on when it knows something has sex involved, even tho a more conscious part of me knows its not something i want or would go for…

    So hugs and thank you for sharing…

    I want healing too!

    thank you!

    I feel better able to embrace the part of me that wants extreme pleasure… all for me…
    a new babystep inspired by shannons post

    i feel sad for the pain of this kind of happenstance so much

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:30pm

  720. 720: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe what is attracting us is the idea of ravishment, not rape.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:36pm

  721. 721: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi – correction! it’s houstonrelationshipsurvey@yahoo.com – Shannon, my first sexual experience was rape-ish, the guy like bashed me around and held me down. We were very young, I didn’t even bleed.

    But at such a tender age I had a high level of self insight; and within months I’d disected and decided I had secretly wanted to have sex and I had set it up (owning my reality…..) so that IF my mother found out I was blame free.

    Real rape is ugly and awful and an act of violence and power – not about sex.

    Owning our desire to have sex is subliminal, not socially acceptable to most, and ergo…..you end up with rape fantasies.

    IMO, and I feel good about my hypothosis!

    J

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:39pm

  722. 722: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I was also diagnosed with depression several years back (thank God for Wellbutrin) and post partum depression (thank God for Lexapro). I feel happy to say that I’m no longer on either of them. I would definitely go back on them if I needed it to get me through but right now I don’t anticipate that. Working through so many issues here and in real life, I’m feeling much more free and no longer depressed. I feel hopeful that as you continue to move and change, you’ll discover this for yourself.

    Erika: Not to trigger you further but rather than tell Renee about her, how would it feel to take what she’s saying to heart and learn a little bit about yourself? Consider it free advice from the voices here who want to be helped by you. I secretly want to feel pushed towards healing but sometimes your voice does come across as too aggressive and off-putting. I know how frustrating it feels to have “the answer” that would free a person from so many things but what if a person can only hear my frustration and can no longer hear “the answer”. I’m learning to deal with my uncomfortable frustrated feelings by listening to individuals (meeting them where they are) and giving them what they need. Not everyone is ready to be healed all at once.

    Ragnell: I’m really appreciating your voice here. How are things going for you? How did things turn out with that guy? I tried to go back and read about it. Are you still seeing him? If you comment and I don’t get back right away, please know I’ll check with you soon. (I’ve stopped following the blog by email and just check in when I can.)

    Talk soon Sirens and Heros. Love, Shannon

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:55pm

  723. 723: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria, Ragnell, and Jacqueline! A lot for me to ponder on. Wow. Thank you!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 12:57pm

  724. 724: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    I appreciate your honesty about rape that’s the kinda honesty I was hoping would open up.

    As for the rest, I appreciate your concern and I simply trust my intuition. I’m not going to play the ‘tiptoe around my eggshells’ game.

    I raised my rates because I was so busy I felt depleted. Not because I’m not busy enough. People outside this blog don’t have difficulty hearing my message.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:03pm

  725. 725: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    RE: #681 – I totally agree with what you said about depression and weight loss. I used to be on well butrin, and I got off it 2 years ago. I am about to go back to my doctor next week and matter of fact am planning to get back on it!! Thanks! And congratulations for your weight loss and maintenance!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:05pm

  726. 726: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    RE: #688 – Wow that’s awesome! I feel new hope about totally re-creating who I am inside! I would love to get up with effortless joy every day!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:11pm

  727. 727: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    When you believe your happiness depends on a pill, you deny you own power and divinity. You put the power outside yourself, and so the real problem remains forever unsolved.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:21pm

  728. 728: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #707 – I am not hiding behind Rori’s authority. I am working Rori’s tools on Rori’s blog, which is its primary purpose.

    I feel shut down when someone calls me self-righteous. If I were self-righteous, I would have never corresponded with inmates in my free time for the past 21 years. I don’t receive that, because it isn’t who I am or what I’m about. I feel very accepting of you, and I am here to connect and to work on healing together if you wish to. I don’t want to feel disrespected, tho, and I don’t like it. What do you think/feel?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:26pm

  729. 729: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #713 – I feel especially yucky reading this post. My Mom always told me, “Troublesome people are people in trouble.” I love you and accept you anyway. What do you think/feel?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:29pm

  730. 730: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I applaud you for taking your life into your hands by going to see the dr. I think this is going to make a big difference in how difficult it will be to lose the weight you want and get your life more on the track you’d like it to be. Warm thoughts and hugs to you for being brave:-).

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:36pm

  731. 731: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I stopped Wellbutrin 2 years ago because I did want to stand on my own two feet. I don’t like to be dependent on meds. But right now, weight loss is a high priority, and if that will aid me toward that end, I will do it temporarily. I felt really level on Wellbutrin. But it will feel better yet to get out of depression completely!

    I think my depression is not the usual depression. I was raised by a very depressed mother. My earliest memories are of being a preschooler in a dark house with my Mom sleeping all the time. The voices in my memory are my Mom sighing in bottomless sadness and the sound of depressing soap operas. I just grew up sad. And I was bored because my brothers typically ganged up on me or left me out of boy activities while my Mom was too depressed to play with me much.

    Children live what they learn. I learned depression. It was just my state of mind because it was role modelled to me.

    Kenny helped me open my mind to see it is not my identity. I have come to see depression as like a rotting abcess hanging on my heart. I can choose to stay out of that part of my heart, and I want it to go away. I love to feel joy, hope, peace, love, and excitement! I feel really excited about my new life! Things just keep getting better and better!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:47pm

  732. 732: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I feel intrigued to hear that I am the sexual predator, and that the neighbor is just a shadow of myself.

    I don’t feel triggered by that at all. I feel wonder of how that could possibly be true. I feel open to explore whether that’s true in my life.

    There’s a little edge to my sexuality – but it doesn’t go anywhere near the area of doing something to someone that they don’t want.

    Shannon, your post about rape resonated with me a little bit… for me, it was less about the violence and more about being able to engage in an activity that I was told was sinful, and be able to enjoy it without being culpable for it. (Because I was taught that pleasure is bad.)

    …but even there – I’ve been working on healing that too!

    I wonder if the lesson here isn’t that there’s a sexual predator (well, two actually) that has come into my life… but that I’ve been protected from them both times?

    I’ve been asking for my intuition to be sharpened so that I can move through life with ease – maybe this is just a case of “For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.”

    I really feel perplexed about this! I also am open to uncovering my blindspots…

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 1:54pm

  733. 733: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “The idea is to have contempt for crime, not for people. It’s more useful to think of every individual as another YOU—to think of every individual as a representative of the universe. Even the worst criminal in life imprisonment sitting in his cell—the center of him is the same seed, the seed of the whole creation”

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 2:10pm

  734. 734: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    wow. okay. wow. but let’s say that I do have a predator in me… I’ve never acted upon it. And I have no desire to act upon it. I’m not condemning the neighbor, I haven’t even thought in terms of that. But I am feeling cautious- my desire is to protect myself more than anything.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 2:31pm

  735. 735: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    For the ladies!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX380vS_Mzs&feature=fvw

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 2:35pm

  736. 736: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone –

    When online dating, my number one need-to-notice is: How does this man make me feel, even before I’ve met him? I really want to make myself remember that meeting in person could be very different than the online contact, but I’m finding that different online contacts have really different effects on me.

    In only a week, I’ve had contacts whose messages make me feel, for example:
    – creeped out, scared, shocked
    – safe, warm, appreciated, liked.
    – treated well and respectfully – i.e checking out if I’m comfortable with answering a question . .
    – pressurised to reveal far more about myself than he seemed prepared to – i.e. invited to lean forward.
    – overwhelmed, rushed, a bit patronised.
    – made me smile.
    – I felt labelled.

    This is very interesting. . . I feel absolutely terrified about possible meet-ups, and one guy who is pushing to meet soon, without a few emails. I haven’t dated – meeting new men on a “DATE” – for over 15 years. I’m nearly 50! I feel so nervous. It’s much easier to go Salsa dancing, which I’m doing as well.

    But I owe it to myself to get out there! So I’m loving these feelings, especially the scared, panicky ones, by imaging what they look like and embracing them. A friend of mine said yesterday that the worst, most painful, most disabling feelings are not to be thrown overboard. They need to be in the boat, they are part of the crew, travelling with me. But they are not in charge of the ship! I like that, and just wanted to share.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:07pm

  737. 737: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    ” A friend of mine said yesterday that the worst, most painful, most disabling feelings are not to be thrown overboard. They need to be in the boat, they are part of the crew, travelling with me. But they are not in charge of the ship! I like that, and just wanted to share.”

    yes yes yes!!! exactly ! this is what Rori teaches

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:16pm

  738. 738: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Go Lorelei!!!! — talk to the men on the phone quickly after messaging, and then as long as he doesn’t scare you, you’re good to meet!!!

    yay!!!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:21pm

  739. 739: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks dear Daria – I can’t stop being scared, but I really want to do it!! It might be quite exciting as well. Or a roller coaster ride. Or who knows .. x

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:24pm

  740. 740: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Speech went really well. Lots of friends and some clients here supporting me. Feels good :)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:28pm

  741. 741: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    I’m really interested in Rori’s latest email about the body being part of the toolkit, in a guest interview with Patty Contenta. But I’m not subscribed to this, and I’m not able to subscribe now. It sounds great . . and I wish I knew what it says!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:29pm

  742. 742: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    did you see Matrix 3? The more he fought ‘evil,’ the more the evil replicated. Finally, at the end of the movie, he merges with evil. Then the world is saved. Fighting the Shadow makes it stronger, more angry, more violent. Embracing it heals it.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:31pm

  743. 743: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I asked you to stop. I asked you to stop using “yucky” to describe my posts. It should be clear to you, by now, that I don’t want to read a post from you mentioning both my name and the word “yucky”. If you keep doing it, I will believe you are just declaring a flame war on me.

    You sound very troubled, and perhaps that is the reason why you are calling me troublesome. If you want to share your troubles, I may or may not listen and pay attention. That depends on my mood. But if you keep attacking me under the guise of your “feeling messages” and your “practicing” of your “Siren tools”; the message I will get is that you are not only stupid, but actually a yucky abusive person to be with.

    I draw my line here. I’d rather be ignored than falsely accused.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:37pm

  744. 744: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, #740 – no, I haven’t see Matrix 3… but I have a hard time embracing evil. I want to be in the light always – don’t even want to spend any time at all dancing with evil.

    Perhaps I’m misunderstanding you or this is a deeper understanding than I currently have. I can embrace the parts of myself that I don’t like… but evil? That’s a stretch for me….

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:53pm

  745. 745: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – to me, its that there is no evil… and what we label evil is still a part of ourselves

    (that we don’t like)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 3:55pm

  746. 746: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    Take a look at the Taken in Hand website. You may find like-minded people. That is, people who want to be taken by force, but willingly. It’s a complex feeling, and difficult to explain.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:00pm

  747. 747: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah what Daria said ..

    Judging creates evil, loving and accepting heals it

    To be happy requires letting go of judgment and seeing ourselves in everyone

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:04pm

  748. 748: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Wow some “take no prisoners” stuff going on here, hmmmm.. So I shall just pack up my tent and sign off for the evening.

    – I have been out all day, and I came back to the list to let you all know about my odd date – he is sweet. A good CD for now.

    Far too much anger and judgement going on for me tonight – I just don’t feel well enough (bad cold) to be of any assistance an I don’t want the cavalry that lives in my head to get all riled up. I hope you all are able to work through the tough stuff in the next little while. Everyone here has wonderful stuff to contribute. Good night.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:15pm

  749. 749: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    OMG.
    I’m feeling the disturbance in the force.
    Why are we as a group doing so much disagreeing lately?
    I feel sad, I feel nervous, I feel uncertain wether or not to throw in my two cents but since the odds of any of the people I disagree with coming to my house to beat me up is nil here it is anyway.
    Erika.
    Although I respect you immensly…I have to disagree with you.
    Saying that depression is ONLY anger turned inward is inaccurate. Saying that there is no chemical or herditary basis for it feels dismissive to me.
    If those are you beliefs, ok.
    But please don’t represent them as facts.
    Mental health issues currently have huge stigma attached to them. As an intelligent and sensitive woman I hope you can find a way to express yourself more inclusively on this topic so that the other sirens here don’t feel shamed.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:23pm

  750. 750: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I am not shaming anyone. I understand that beliefs like genetics and chemicals ‘feel’ true. But they are not true, and I would be doing a disservice by pretending that they are. They are the stories the ego tells itself so it can make the real you powerless.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:32pm

  751. 751: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Surely rape is evil, regardless of how I look at it. My judging it as good or evil doesn’t make it so. It is an evil act in itself.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:55pm

  752. 752: healingsoundNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. so much going on here lately..
    Just a thought: @erika, you seem like a person with a lot to offer, and a lot of insight. but I feel like saying; you have to allow people to be where they are. You can not ‘heal’ people banging them over the head with a hammer.. no matter how frustrating seeing/perceiving their limiting beliefs may be.
    someone said: ‘Not seeing is better than seeing without compassion’. I find it to mean that the more we learn about human behavior and psyche, the human condition if you like, the more important it is to always carry humility and compassion with us. It is easy to ‘see’ others and their faults, and see what they could/should do differently..And harder to allow them to be where they are.
    There IS such a thing as chemical imbalances, of course there is. (How else would a chemical treatment even work?).. And sometimes there might be a very real & urgent necessity to ‘give in’ to those treatments, for a period..but more often than not they bring along, as we know, so many limitations and side effects that actually aggravate the problem, long term.. or simply masks it and makes the person numb. This is to me, actually very SAD.

    For those of us who are deeply concerned with and passionate about how the human mind, spirit and emotions work, there are so many other rewarding options out there.. Personally I believe that the arts, music in particular, can heal in the most profound ways. And it is my ‘mission’ to share this, as far as I can, in a positive way. I have not taken a single pill in my life, knock on wood, besides the occasional Ibuprofen :),- but will remain very cautious about reducing people’s suffering to their ‘willingness’ to be stuck. That seems too harsh and cold to me, even if there might be, at some ultimate spiritual level, truth to it. And I feel it reduces many people’s deeper suffering to an act of pure will.. Love heals, but we cannot force that love or healing on someone.. just accept them for who and what they are.
    Much Love and light xox

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:56pm

  753. 753: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I belive that beliefs can be inherited… even imprinted in DNA – even ones we are unaware of

    and can be changed

    and that chemicals are a way of “seeing” our emotions working biologically

    like when i feel anger, in my body biologically certain chemicals are changing balance

    so when i feel depressed, certain chemicals are changing balance

    I believe like Rori says, that depression IS anger turned inwards.

    I also believe that sometimes antidepressants can be helpful …

    but they will not heal the root of the depression.

    i belive everything is everything. biology is our beliefs in touchy form!

    hehe

    MY depression though, is getting close to gone!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 4:56pm

  754. 754: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Healing sound – i feel intrigued!!! tell more about your mission and healing with sound…

    i have worked with an amazing sound healer before…

    she was a song healer her name is Brenda MacIntyre

    and also i know of (michael?) Romero’s work with this…

    i feel curious to know more about it and about you!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:00pm

  755. 755: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – what about like, a duck raping another duck?

    i recently saw something that i thought was this happening and felt disturbed

    but to me, when it comes to humans, it’s a wound that needs healing that drives someone to act in such a way

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:03pm

  756. 756: LarisaNo Gravatar says:

    How do I actually post a question to Rori, please?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:06pm

  757. 757: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    The truth is compassionate. It’s not always easy to hear, but it’s always compassionate. It says come here, child, and let me show you that your nightmares are not real.

    It is not compassionate from my perspective to buy into people’s stories. They will only continue to suffer. Is that compassion?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:14pm

  758. 758: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Which is one of the main reasons I don’t buy into your belief that you won’t feel rested or fulfilled or be able to thrive or be heard I’d you offer your gifts without expectations of repayment.

    Prepares for the flack, cringing, lol

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:22pm

  759. 759: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I offered my gifts for free for a year. People didn’t start paying me until I insisted on it. It feels good to be paid a decent wage to do this work. It meets needs for appreciation, respect, rest, and mutuality.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:26pm

  760. 760: LarisaNo Gravatar says:

    ** Sexual advances on the first date***
    I was officially introduced to one man. We had seen each other many times on the work meetings, but he was never iterested in me.
    After I started practicing the Modern Siren Tools, however, my whole vibe changed–and that was what attracted him this time.
    He asked a friend of mine if I were in a relationship, if I had a boyfriend–alll that 411 stuff. Then he asked that she introduced us. I really did not feel anything toward him, and said No when my friend was talking to me about him.
    My friend then call me insisting that I go out with him, that he was very persistent and hard on her to introduce us.
    “Heck”, I said, “I’ll go so that he will leave you alone.”
    We talked on the phone for 2 weeks, and then I finally had time to go out. We went to a nice restaurant, had the greatest time, and were laughing like kids. Then we went for a walk when he started hugging and kissing me very passionately. He said that he really wanted me. I told him that I was understanding of his feelings, but sex would not be what I wanted. I said–just Rori said in one of her wonderful programs-that I was not looking for a lover, but rather wanted to meet a man to marry, and to wait until marriage with having sex. He said that he respected that, and he himself would not want to marry a woman who was sleeping with every man.
    I felt to joyful when I heard those words–silly me, i believed them! Well, 20 minutes later, he started making his moves on me again–and this time he was more aggressive, touching me everywhere, whispering “I want to taste you; you are so beautiful; I want to lick you everywhere, etc.” You get the picture. I felt melted and alert at the same time-the situation seemed to be very inappropriate for the first date. Am I right?
    I did not return his sexual text message next day; and in 2 days I called him and said that that was not what I wanted. He sounded shocked, and said “Do you mean you don’t want to see me anymore?” I said(in a very friendly voice) “Yes, this is exactly what I mean.”
    Now that friend of mine who introduced us was calling me complaining that the guy is mad at her. I
    told her that he was a player, that he did not respect me, and that he would be mad at the whole world right now. I told her what happened, but she said “oh, he was just trying too hard.” But I personally feel strong about my thought of him as a player.
    One important observation: he is 50 years old and never been married. Red flag!
    I’d welcome the comments of women who have been in the same situation. Also, me and the guy will most likely be running into each other at the meetings–what should I do/ say?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:36pm

  761. 761: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “it’s a wound that needs healing that drives someone to act in such a way”

    Yes Daria, I believe that’s true. I don’t believe that the person who does something like rape is evil, but he is doing an evil thing. I’m separating the person from the act.

    Re ducks. hmmm, I don’t know the answer, because I don’t know if rape in duckland is just instinct or if its against nature. In humans, I believe rape goes against nature and trespasses on the dignity of the individual.

    You know what? Debating triggers me. (This is totally my own thing, Daria and Erika, saying nothing against you.)

    I start to feel anxious and sad when a debate starts. In my family, there was soooo much intellectual debate, and it took the place of love. Meaning, when we were debating, we didn’t have time for love.

    I hate debate. It feels icky and “in the mind” to me, and it feels tiring.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:38pm

  762. 762: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Money is just a symbol. On this blog, it feels very constricted to me.

    When my clients pay me, it means a lot symbolically. One thing it means is that they see the value of the work. That means they are going to get way more out of it.

    When I feel that level of investment and respect from them, I feel so inspired to give them my full everything.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:40pm

  763. 763: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    To me it doesn’t feel like debate. It feels like putting my foot down with the ego and feeling into the seething cauldron of rage that gets triggered by that.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:45pm

  764. 764: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    “They are the stories the ego tells itself so it can make the real you powerless.”
    This is your belief Erika. Which I respect.
    What I am asking is that you respect the beliefs of others that chemical and genetic componants exist and are real.
    Compassion does not need to hit some one on the head.
    Compassion is respectful as well as direct.

    But they are not true.
    Really?
    How do you know?
    This sounds like a belief. If that’s your belief, I respect it.
    Again I ask you to do the same.

    I love to hear the different perspectives here on the blog, it’s one of the things I like best.
    I feel uncomfortable when anyone says that thier truth is the only truth.

    And Erika
    I felt shamed.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:45pm

  765. 765: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    So don’t listen to me then. I’m not going to pretend this is relative because I don’t believe it is. Everyone here is perfectly free to ignore me.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:49pm

  766. 766: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    The shame doesn’t come from me. I’m just triggering it to come to the surface. That’s all. If you didn’t already feel shame it wouldn’t be there

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 5:52pm

  767. 767: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Erika, the shame does come from me, I own it.
    And we are free to ignore you.
    Just as you are free to behave in a manner that promotes harmony and inclusion.
    I guess we both have a lot to learn. For which I am grateful.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:05pm

  768. 768: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    As a human being, I can only handle so much healing at a time. Sometimes I come here to be light and airy and to dish the dirt on a current beau. It feels good to laugh and joke. There’s a time and place for healing. I don’t want to feel so serious all the time. I would love to hear where everyone is at, what you’re doing in real life, how you are applying Rori’s tools in real life. Some of this feels boring… yes boring to me… when real life is happening outside this little box. Mind you a lot of healing is happening and I appreciate that so much. I know it’s happening for me. But I grow tired of some of this back and forth. It’s like being stuck on the same music track. I loved it the first time but 50 million times later, and I feel bored…

    I wanna see the real you. I appreciate every voice here. I want to know you. Stop being the voices in my head and be real people.

    Erika: What’s the latest scoop on Vegas Guy?
    Jennifer: How did the move go? Did you work things out with your folks?
    Brenda: How are you feeling Mermaid?
    Siena: I think I missed several things when I backed off the blog for awhile. How is that fella you were dating? Apologies for not remembering his name. It simply won’t come to me.
    Girl: How are things with D? Has he moved yet?
    Dorothea: How are things with LI? He walked 45 minutes to bring you something? Wow. I feel impressed. How many days left til the new job?
    Renee: How’s the cig quit going?
    Alias Girl: If you’re out here, I miss you.
    Linda: I miss your voice. I see you randomly posting and feel happy when I do.
    Rori: Thank you for all that you do and for giving us this space. How are things going for you? How is your family?

    I know I’m missing lots of people, but this is my attempt to get started seeing everyone as a person again. Care to play along?

    Shannon

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:24pm

  769. 769: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Well I’m here connecting with dozens of guys and just signed up a new client ..

    Both here physically and here on the blog, I feel I’m in the heart of my life purpose and wouldn’t change a thing about this moment

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:30pm

  770. 770: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #734 Lorelei

    Hi, I am almost with you Lorelei, I haven’t done the online dating thing for about 3-4 years, now I have all these men lined up on a paid dating site and I am terrified LOL!! There are about 12 who have sent me winks and when I reply to them using the auto replies then they can choose to pay $9.95 for a stamp to contact me or not. This is bringing really weird feelings for me about the paying bit……..

    I have previously been on Plenty Of Fish and that has almost died off EXCEPT last night I got an email from an interesting man on there, first time in a long time, how bizarre after me putting myself up on the paid site.

    Anyway I seem to be having some conflict inside myself over this paying thing, because I feel like I am wasting their money (yeah all 10 bucks of it) when I REALLY don’t want to do this thing anyway…..is that a bit crazy or what?

    Soooo I need some scripting help here (maybe Lorelei does too?).

    Re the interesting man on POF, well this will be the first time I talk to a man of interest since discovering Rori about 4 or 5 weeks ago, how do I start the conversation?

    Same with the others on the paid site when they send an email (if they do) of course they will because I am a Goddess, it’s just I keep forgetting LOL………any ideas anybody?

    The last time I did this on POF was about 3 or 4 weeks ago, gave 3 men my mobile phone number and have never heard a word from 2 of them and number 3 was supposed to phone me that weekend and he didn’t, but he sent me a text on the following Thursday but I didn’t even reply because he wasn’t all that anyway and because I was only doing it as an experiment, which is what I am doing now and I feel that guilt thing again about “using” people……I know this comes from being too “nice” but niceness never got me the man before……..

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:32pm

  771. 771: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, I feel so happy for you. That you are able to be your life’s purpose. So awesome to watch and in some small way be a part of that magic. Thank you.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:34pm

  772. 772: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    SS….I can get behind that.
    Move went well.
    Parents both living.
    Still a TON of cleaning to do…I swear it took me an hour to clean the bathroom.
    Feeling excited about the decorating possibilities
    I have a blue couch with a grey undertone.
    I’m considering cafe au lait for the walls.
    The kitchen had dark wood cabintes with old brass handles. So I’m replacing them with slick uber modern silver ones and new silver hinges.
    Walls…brick coloured paint.
    Large bowl of vials full of spices in the corner
    hmmmmm
    groovy

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:36pm

  773. 773: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Sounds great Jennifer, nothing like having your own space/place, you can spend time doing just what you want, decorate, have friends over to chill out, laze around all day if you feel like it, etc.

    I just recently moved into my own place after living with my daughter, her bf and my 2 grandkids – I lived with them for 3 months after coming back from England as I was unemployed, but now here I am in my own apartment for about 2 months and I LOVE it – sheer bliss, when you have got it looking how you want, you can sit back and just BE……:D

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:43pm

  774. 774: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Barb…it IS a sweet deal.
    I have a roomie…but we’ve been friends for like 13 years. So we’re synched up.
    I also put on my FB status that I would be having an open house and other guy from judo leaned forward and asked if he was invited.
    He’s kinda cute too.
    I feel comfortable with him in Judo…but I feel nervous about dating him. He seems angry about women alot. It could be just me.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:48pm

  775. 775: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jenn: Ohhh… those colors… cafe au lait… YUM! Have you met your neighbors yet?

    And the spice rack – I imagine there are several bottles of cinnamon now? For Judo Man? :-) hehehehe!

    Have you ever tried out those Meetup.com groups? I just went to my sushi meetup last night. On a side note, two of the men I met last night have now friended me on Facebook. I am quickly changing my thinking about FB and using it as Jonathan (?) suggested. My new dating site of choice. Or Match. I’m considering that again. Not so sure.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:50pm

  776. 776: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Barb, your place sounds heavenly. I feel your contentment. Feels really good.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:51pm

  777. 777: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    And Jenn, I love that you do judo. My brain is so full of boy business that even contemplating judo as an activity for myself, my mind instantly ponders it as a place to meet men. Sigh. I exhaust myself.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:53pm

  778. 778: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I’m going to read now. I want my brain to shut off for awhile. Tomorrow is church and then hopefully driving to the mountains to an apple orchard (as long as it doesn’t rain). I may be baking apple pies tomorrow. Yummmmm!!

    LOL! Jenn – I need to borrow some of that cinnamon.

    Night ladies. Shannon

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 6:55pm

  779. 779: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    SS…cinimmon oil on the back of your neck…trust me.
    I was thinking of getting a big glass bowl. Taking some test tube type things and putting spices in them
    Cinnimon for sure…star anise, clove, etc. Stuff that LOOks interesting. Pepper.
    Fill up the test tubes arrange them in the bowl.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:04pm

  780. 780: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Possibly some light teal walls for the bathroom
    Espresso and silver
    OR
    Espresso and silver with white walls with teal glass and towels as accents

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:07pm

  781. 781: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting.
    so IMing with judo man on FB.
    Joking around how he’s going to start a new church…the church of vulvas and cannibas, practacing hedonism as a religion. I said…that’s leaving out the females cause you’ll get all sorts of DUDES to come to church but maybe not girls.
    I pity the poor girl who wanders in there….she’ll either have the time of her life….or the time of her life.
    he thought that was funny….ok so Im a clever girl.
    they he said something else…and I said “hmm, what was that…I was distracted thinking about that pooor girl wandering into your church ;-P
    He suddenly says he has to go work?
    Um….
    So wait….
    when I’m sexual…this doesn’t inspire him to want to hang around and hear more about my distracted thoughts…
    but I guess that’s only the story I’m telling myself.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:13pm

  782. 782: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon – Sorry it’s been so long for me to respond to your question. Been busy with K’s big 5-0 party I threw for him tonight, family here from out of town, and lots of cooking and preparation. Great fun stuff.
    The FE exploration is going well. All kinds of new things am I discovering.
    As for your rape fantasy. This is THE most common fantasy. It’s not that you really want to be raped or approached violently. It’s the being able to completely surrender to a man’s passion, being completely in receiving mode, and having his every move be such a turn on.
    I too have had and still have these fantasies. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. They are just thoughts.
    xxoo

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:21pm

  783. 783: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Intrigued about this cinnamon oil on the nape of your neck??? Whats that all about?

    I do love cinnamon though :)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:22pm

  784. 784: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Barb….some say cinnimon is a no fail aphrodesiac for men.
    I happen to like the smell too…so I put in on my neck. I find it calming.
    I also was interested to see if it would turn on judo man. It was hard to tell really. I THOUGHT I heard / felt him breathe in more deeply when he grabbed me to teach me a move in judo.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 7:26pm

  785. 785: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh my god. wow. so if someone doesn’t agree with erika, you must be deeply dysfunctional and angry

    i say MIRROR to that. holla!

    erika, i so deeply wish you would quit your spiritual terrorism here. you spend most of your time here talking to other women about their deficiencies as you seem them.

    do you really want to be a terrorist? maybe you do… i dunno. terrorism can be really fun. you’re a lawyer right? debate could be deep in you. nothing wrong with that except it’s hurting other women here, and it’s not for you to decide that the hurt will be good for them.

    what do you think?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:05pm

  786. 786: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i just had a really peaceful, spacious date. i mean spacious cuz i felt so quiet inside. so present. LI and i finally had time for a “real” date and it felt so good to be in my feminine energy and lean back.

    we went to the park for a picnic, and there was a tango meetup in the public square, and they were dancing tango and all being really present with themselves, and beautiful tango music was playing. LI loves tango and it reminded him of living in argentina. it felt good to lean back and be quiet inside in this setting.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:08pm

  787. 787: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I think terrorism is your projection. I feel very peaceful about my participation on the blog.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:09pm

  788. 788: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    of course you think it’s my projection. though you COULD consider what others are saying about your participation here.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:10pm

  789. 789: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I did not use the word dysfunctional. Every woman on this blog is an equally all-powerful child of God. Any belief that conflicts with that simply isn’t true. You can deny your own power but don’t expect me to go along with it.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:17pm

  790. 790: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am using the word in hopes that it will highlight what I am trying to say. I am not saying anything about denying our own power or whatever, but I guess you have the monopoly on putting words and ideas in other people’s mouths.

    good night.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 8:29pm

  791. 791: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    I dated a man whose birthday is today….not the big 5-0 though :)
    And another friend….How neat.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 9:20pm

  792. 792: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel very connected here. I come to a conventionlike this and I feel accepted and loved. I don’t hear the guys telling victim stories. I admire that they are so determined to make a real change. Sometimes I really feel that here, sometimes I really don’t. I feel sad.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:18pm

  793. 793: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    It’s probably my own filters and I’m so fucking suck and tired of the victim stories I hear on this blog. I take responsibility for my perception.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:20pm

  794. 794: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Mai,

    RE: #733 – What a howl!! Thank you! Oh, how cute! An extra belly button! Love it! Thanks!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:28pm

  795. 795: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika!

    RE: #738: Congratulations! I feel so happy for you, and I wish I was there at the PUA Summit! I’m glad it went well and you feel accepted! I bet you are having so much fun!

    Love,
    Brenda

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:33pm

  796. 796: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    RE: #740 – About embracing evil instead of facing it…I agree with that concept when it comes to facing and embracing the negative feelings in us. But when you are talking about evil directly? Noway! I hate evil. It is a sin to love evil.

    The way I translate that belief to people is I love the person, but I hate their wrongdoing. That is why I can write letters in love and acceptance to murderers, rapists, and drug dealers in prison. My love for them doesn’t mean I love what they did.

    I draw a sharp distinction between negative feelings that we repress and try to anesthetize…and straight evil. I don’t accept evil. I take authority over it and send it where it belongs.

    What do you think/feel?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:39pm

  797. 797: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    P.S. BTW, I have seen and interacted with evil straight on. And God in me won. :-)

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:41pm

  798. 798: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #741 – I feel yucky reading your yet-another post. I am not willing to pet your peeves.

    I used to come home and yell at my dog. I didn’t like to do that, and I felt bad. So as I processed my inner wounds, over time, I realized I had unresolved anger. I have dissolved most of that, and now when I come home, I love on my dogs.

    And, I love and accept you anyway.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:45pm

  799. 799: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie,

    RE: #746 – You said, “I don’t want the cavalry that lives in my head to get all riled up.”

    I love the colorful word picture you painted for us! :-)

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:49pm

  800. 800: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Thx Brenda. ACIM teaches to see that no evil ever occurred, the past never happened. All easily correctable in the mind of any child of God who is willing to see that evil was her own creation, she no longer wants it, and is willing to let it go.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:53pm

  801. 801: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    I was processing some of the Holistic Belief Reprogramming I went through with you last week on our conference call tonight with a friend. She has ingrained into me to speak positive confessions only, and speak good things into existence.

    I was telling her the transformation I went through with your treatment in just that brief half hour!! You had me repeat some of the negative beliefs I have unconsciously held for most of my life that have emotionally crippled me. I felt resistant to repeating this yucky garbage, and I went with the program anyway, trusting that you knew what you were doing. Words like, “I believe people aren’t interested in what I have to say” felt like vomit coming out of my mouth!

    The instant I forced myself to say them, I felt the grossness of the unhealthy, limiting beliefs! So then you revisited them with your replacement beliefs, saying things like, “I don’t like feeling bad about speaking my thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to feel bad speaking anymore. I choose to speak with a knowing of acceptance, starting right now.” I don’t remember your exact wording. But it really was powerful, and just that half hour is having a powerful impact on me even now, as new unhealthy beliefs arise. I am finding myself “ewwwwing” them right out of me, saying to myself, “I don’t want to believe that anymore. I choose to believe this, starting right now!” I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you spending all that time to demonstrate your unique skills to find healing and freedom! Thanks again!

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 10:58pm

  802. 802: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika,

    RE: #795 – A bit of a different world view and image of man and the spiritual realm…and I believe everyone has a right to believe, think, and feel the way they want to.

    I believe that the unseen spiritual realm is more real than the visible physical realm. I believe God is real and alive, along with His angels…and I believe Satan is real and alive, along with his demons…

    What do you think/feel?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:02pm

  803. 803: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    RE: #747 – You said, “Why are we as a group doing so much disagreeing lately?”

    It’s because we’re a healthy group…

    Every healthy relationship has disagreements.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:04pm

  804. 804: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    You did it again. So you insist in calling me yucky and then pretending you are all loving and accepting. That’s hypocrisy. And, you know? That’s not attractive. That’s why you don’t feel beautiful; you feel yucky and the message you are sending others is that you are yucky. You are not sending the message that you are beautiful and attractive and pleasant to be with. No. You feel yucky. That makes an experience next to you a disgusting experience too. And that’s why you aren’t attractive.

    Also, you offer no challenge. You are stupid. Things are told to you once and twice and thrice and you cannot follow instructions. You insist on hurting even though you have been asked not to. That’s why you aren’t loved. That’s why you aren’t respected.

    You cannot comply with simple requests and respect people so you could earn their respect in return. That makes you a horrible person.

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:07pm

  805. 805: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Healing,

    RE: #750 – You said, “You can not ‘heal’ people banging them over the head with a hammer.. no matter how frustrating seeing/perceiving their limiting beliefs may be.”

    I personally sat under a half hour of Erika’s amazing Holistic Belief Reprogramming last week. And I assure you, her true heart came out with passion, compassion, empathy, and gentleness! The only thing banging me over my head while she helped me find healing was my own hand, tapping the top of my head at an acupressure point! It was a beautiful, powerful form of healing!

    This post was rich with wisdom, and I appreciate what you said. I chose to comment because I believe Erika is largely being misunderstood here. She is a powerful woman, but does that make her an unkind person?

    Saturday, 25 September 2010 @ 11:10pm

  806. 806: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell,

    RE: #799 – At what point did I give you authority over me to instruct me? I am not willing to be controlled by you. Nor am I willing to be emotionally abused by you.

    Maybe when I say, “I feel yucky reading your words”, I am nonviolently trying to say, “Ragnell, you are not well emotionally. Please stop eating glass for breakfast.̶