I’ve always said that if you’re in your 50′s or older – are you sure “marriage” is your goal?
Many women who are financially successful (or at least stable and can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives), have a great social life, great personal interests, friends, and enjoy their lives on a spiritual and fun level have simply chosen NOT to marry.
They actually prefer the idea of having “lovers” – live-in and not, male travelling companions, a man who shares a house and travel – all kinds of other circumstances that don’t include marriage. The reason being – they don’t want the RESPONSIBILITY of “taking care” of a man late in life.
And they’re not worried about being “taken care of” – and so the trade off seems like a bad deal.
What about you? Does it matter what “age” you’re “over”? Is marriage really the be-all-and-end-all of relationship and love?
What exactly do you expect it to do for you, in particular?
Are you really, internally, in your heart and mind, fighting relationship because you really, deep inside, don’t want the “responsibility”?
At some point in any relationship – the physical fire recedes, and sex becomes about partnership – making time for it to happen, giving attention to it, making it happen, processing through it.
Sex no longer has a “life of its own” and takes off by itself. It needs to be considered, thought about, scheduled. Physical health gets factored in. Time and energy get factored in.
It’s your emotional and historical bonds with a man that keep the energy, love and sex flowing.
Even simple “fun” takes on a new meaning.
So – is it possible that there are other lifestyles beside marriage that would not only work for you – but work BETTER for you – and also give a man such a feeling of space and freedom and – yes – instability! - that would actually enhance the dynamic of the relationship?
If you could get past your own insecurities, and know that you’d actually be happy to trade responsibility for a bit of not-knowing the future – you might be open to something other than marriage.
For most of us though – marriage is so traditionally meaningful – it carries us through our own rough patches. We want what we’re supposed to have.
The thing is – if you could get past your fear of your future, and you could choose ANY kind of relationship – committed, lifelong, married, a series of fabulous lovers – how would you like that to look? Really?
Could you see a string of great lovers until a certain age – and then want a lifelong companion? Or can you see a long-term relationship and then freedom to be on your own – even in a retirement community when you’re in your 90′s?
Does the word “boyfriend” tickle you more than the word “husband”?
Does it really make a difference?
Different men feel differently about all of this – just like you do.
So, depending on how you really feel deep down (or what your deep inner beliefs you may not even be aware of are telling you what you feel) – that’s likely the way a man you’ll attract and be attracted to will feel deep down.
Even if it seems like you pick men who are the OPPOSITE of what you want – perhaps there’s actually a MATCH there that’s hidden from you. A match that’s way deeper than what you think you want.
We push away men out of fear and the need to control that comes from fear.
We insist on “official bonds and labels” in order to feel safe.
We ignore our own needs for adventure and variety and carefree-ness because we insist we need safety and security in order to have the lives we want.
Life is a balancing act.
There’s no way NOT to “teeter.”
So – do we get up on the “high wire” or stay off it?
AND – is marriage a high wire, or staying grounded?!!
Tricked you there!
Marriage can be a high wire act, or a retreat to a cave on land.
It can be whatever it most means to you.
The question is – if a man is perfectly good and wonderful, and your desire for marriage alone scares him – do you craft a different attitude and see what happens? Or do you leave him and focus only on men who are marriage-minded?
What are the trade-offs here?
In my opinion – if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.
But the journey to being with a man and having NO agenda is the tricky part.
And that’s what Circular Dating is for. For making you feel like you can abandon your agenda and just feel your way from man to man, experience to experience, until one scenario, one man, one situation appeals to you enough to go in whatever direction it takes you.
Marriage is a great goal – because often the best men want to be married.
And then there’s George Clooney. He doesn’t want to be married, he doesn’t want to have children. Yet.
You get to decide where you want to be in this – and how much instability you can tolerate as a trade off to how a relationship feels to you.