Openness And Resolve – Talk About It Without Defending Yourself

   

I saw this on the web and liked it – from Calle Zorro -

Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you.

If this happens, you simply acknowledge that you are completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you… but that you are not going to let other issues distract either one of you from addressing one thing at a time… starting with the issues you have already raised… and when those are resolved, THEN the two of you can move to the next set of issues to resolve.

Love, Rori

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1,254 Comments to “Openness And Resolve – Talk About It Without Defending Yourself”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    This is about not taking things personal

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:48am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Here’s another way to look at this … your wife cannot be attracted to you if you allow her to bridle and harness you to the wagon of her whims, wishes, fits, tantrums, or orders.”

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:53am

  3. 3: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Simple, concise, true, and easy to enact!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:09am

  4. 4: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Funny – people do this at work all the time – you need to coach them for making an error or doing something wrong and they want to distract you with 15 other things they want to talk about . . . it’s easy to say, “we will address your concerns one at a time when we are finished talking about the reason you have been called in here” . . . when it is a work situation . . . different when it is your spouse or significant other . . . where emotions rule ~

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:18am

  5. 5: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    JC came to get me from Girl’s Night and took me to dinner. We were just finishing up when he got there, but he got to meet my mom and 3 of my friends and talk for a few minutes. I asked one of my friends for her initial gut feel about him – she said he seemed very nice, friendly and happy. She thought he seemed easy going, but with good manners – like he had a good upbringing – casual/classy . . . I agree.

    He is taking me to lunch today. Seems we can’t quite get enough of each other. We met a week ago today ~ tomorrow is the Blue Moon . . .

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:21am

  6. 6: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    something is going on :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:26am

  7. 7: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    1: Femininewoman says:

    This is about not taking things personal

    I am curious FW, I am not picking that up at all….

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:40am

  8. 8: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca we are different so it is okay to see things differently. I want to not take things personally when someone attacks or “counter attack”.

    Being “completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you” means not taking things personally, for me.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:47am

  9. 9: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I am back at my home this week because school has started again here in Canada this week and it’s more stable for routine.
    Also, I work mostly from home and this is much better for me to work.
    In any case, yes I feel a deep need to take care of myself and kiddie for now. It allows me space to do my yoga, did a Ho’opono’pono 1 hour meditation last night and want to do yoga at home tonight.

    I don’t feel as bad today but I know there will be ups and downs in the next few days. In any case, I am totally leaning back now and evaluating my feelings and options.

    Thank you so much for your input.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:56am

  10. 10: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I feel soft, teary, and confused today.

    I had a powerful dream and it is affecting me.

    I knew I would have a powerful dream before I fell asleep. The tree materialized behind my eyelids as I closed them. So real. So dimensional. I could have plucked a leaf right off it’s branches. As if it truely existed there in the darkness.

    A history before the dream. A tall, independant, funny, masculine man. He runs his own flooring business. I knew him in highschool. He is a friend of my brother. He taught us how to lay hardwood when we renovated my building. I have always felt his attraction to me. It seemed like a giggly thing. Cute and frivilous. Flirty and light. I never took it seriously. I was never available.

    Until that party. A keg party. A costume party. A sexy party.

    I was single. He didn’t know it yet.

    He was hanging with my bro on the front deck when I arrived. I was lookin’ hot in my little plaid skirt, pigtails, white shirt and tie. Baby-doll high heels.

    He has a way of saying hello to me. I could never re-create it in written words..,

    “Hell-o R____” A knowing smile crinkles his eyes. As if he always thinks of the same private joke whenever he sees me. I can’t help it…I always look down shyly when he greets me. “Hey TallD” I always find my courage to smile at him.

    “You are….Wow! I never knew you had legs like that!!!”

    He looked me up and down and I felt heat in my cheeks and fire low and dep in my belly.

    “Hubby let you come to this party alone?” Teasing. Smiling. Flashing eyes.

    Look down. Sh*t. Another person I gotta tell this to.

    “No more hubby TallD.” Keep your back straight. Smile. Say it in a teasing way.

    “What????” :o

    “Yup! Free at last!” Wink. Smile.

    “Woah…” Teasing gone. Serious. Why so serious TallD?

    Fast forward. Beers flowing. Music pumping. Go out on the deck for a smoke. Feel a hand running up my leg. Turn around.

    “Hell-o R_____”

    We were inseperable for the rest of the night. Flirting. Touching. He kissed me once before I left and my cuz literally dragged me by the arm to go home.

    Queue the hugest crush of my adult life.

    I didn’t have his number. He didn’t have mine. I suspect he did not want to ask my brother for it. I later heard from bro that he had been seeing someone (casually) at the time.

    The next time we saw each other was near a year later. At my place at my party. G was with me. I did not know TallD was there.

    I lined up for the bathroom with G at my side. The door pops open…

    “Hell-o R____”

    Hot red face! He held my eyes in an intense gaze for what felt like eternity.

    “Is this your 6ft boyfriend?”

    “What does that mean?” giggles

    “Just what it sounds like.”

    I literally RAN into the bathroom. Hot, flushed. I do not know why he called him my “6ft boyfriend”. TallD is probably 6’7.

    Sigh. I have written so much already. I will write out my dream after I decompress a little. I feel rocked by the dream. He made love to me in my dream.

    Maybe I won’t write it. It is the first time (in a dream OR reality) where I made a decision to cheat on my partner. It was so real. And I liked it…I feel slammed up against a wall. The feelings of the dream still linger on my skin and in my belly. I woke up next to G and I wished the dream had been real. Oh sadness. You are not a cheat MissStix. It was just a dream.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:57am

  11. 11: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He might have called him 6ft boyfriend to make himself feel good, knowing he is taller. Making your boyfriend smaller in both your eyes. Wonder if you told G about the dream if it could bring him closer?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:06am

  12. 12: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Holy wow…I feel exposed right now.

    If someone I know happened accross that post they would know exactly who I am and who i’m talking about.

    No one I know will read it. Omg. I feel brisk panic in my belly.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:07am

  13. 13: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    He he! Yes, we are different. I have the song Everyday People in my head now..

    Sometimes I’m right then I can be wrong
    My own beliefs are in my songs
    A butcher, a banker, a drummer and then
    Makes no difference what group I’m in
    I am everyday people

    There is a blue one who can’t accept
    The green one for living with
    A black ones tryin’ to be a skinny one
    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby

    Ooh sha sha
    We gotta live together
    [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sly_and_the_family_stone/everyday_people.html ]
    I am no better and neither are you
    We’re all the same whatever we do
    You love me you hate me
    You know me and then
    Still can’t figure out the bag I’m in
    I am everyday people

    There is a long man
    That doesn’t like the short man
    For being such a rich one
    That will not help the poor one
    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on scooby dooby dooby

    Ooh sha sha
    We got to live together

    There is a yellow one that won’t
    Accept the black one
    That won’t accept the red one
    That won’t accept the white one

    Different strokes for different folks
    And so on and so on and
    Scooby dooby dooby
    Ooh sha sha
    I am everyday people

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:08am

  14. 14: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Whewf…I don’t know! That’s a thinker. I need to sit within that for a while.

    It would have to be told in just the right way.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:09am

  15. 15: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    We are attracted to people often times because they are manifesting what is hidden or latent in ourselves.

    Todd Creager

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:16am

  16. 16: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Miss stix, I often have fears of being ‘discovered’. The blig feels secretive for me to. But I know if anyone did fund me here. Similar circumstances would have brought them to the blog also so hope they would feel compassion.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:17am

  17. 17: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I, Rori, am fully equipped to release any condition that is no longer appropriate in my life…it is safe for me to do this now

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:18am

  18. 18: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry for typos on phone. I can re read what I’ve written on here.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:18am

  19. 19: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    miss stix, maybe your dream could show you a different perspective on your past experiences about “cheating”… what do you think?

    i’ve had many “cheating” dreams – usually based on “confusion” – like, i realize they are not my boyfriend only after we’re kissing…. hm. haven’t had those dreams in years though now lol….

    also, it strikes me like fw says – maybe you’re attracted to his artistic-physical-labor lifestyle… that sounds similar to what you describe with a photography passion leading to work….

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:19am

  20. 20: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “When You’re Unhappy In The Present, It’s Not Uncommon For Your Mind To Begin To Reminisce About The Good Times You’ve Had With Someone In The Past.”

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:20am

  21. 21: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    :S That resonates heavily femininewoman. It feel uncomfortable.

    I have a lot of questions running around my brain in this moment..

    Do I feel tied down by G?

    Did I date enough?

    Did I give myself enough chance to explore and experience different men?

    Maybe I desire a little discomfort. TallD’s gaze is potent and I admit I get a thrill from how un-comfortable he makes me. I suspect he knows what how he makes me feel and enjoys how it makes him feel powerful. I know any “relationship” with him would be hot and heavy and teasing but shallow.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:22am

  22. 22: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing

    Yes! His lifestyle is very attractive to me. His building of a business with his own hands. His drive, power, confidence, masculinity. He is very artistic at the same time. You are bang on with that. He plays bass guitar.

    I think it strums my desire to “shack up” and just live within moments. He is also a provider. My desire to release control, be taken care of, and dominated…in a sense.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:30am

  23. 23: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I am guilty of this!

    “When You’re Unhappy In The Present, It’s Not Uncommon For Your Mind To Begin To Reminisce About The Good Times You’ve Had With Someone In The Past.”

    But only because I have no man. But I do feel happier by myself than I intially thought I would. The thought of living alone a few months ago felt like death to me. Now it doesn’t bother me.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:31am

  24. 24: marulunaNo Gravatar says:

    OK sirens, some advice or at least words of focus and empowerment needed.

    I had a little conversation with my guy last night in bed and in the dark. He asked if I was doing OK. So I said that in most aspects of my life work, son, friends yes. But that between him and me not so great.

    I had told him earlier yesterday that I missed connecting with him. His response was “Isn’t it something that I’m here?” I said “yes it is ‘something’, but that I missed coneecting with him.”

    So in the evening when he asked if I was ok and I gave my response he said that he thinks I’m focusing too much on the relationship and should focus on other things. He even said that right now he doesn’t feel attracted to me becuase of that.

    So I’m trying to balance being focused on myself and allowing the relationship to just be where it is for now. I don’t want to shut myself off emotionally to him, but it seems that this is what I have to do to in order to truly put my focus elsewhere.

    My fear is that without any emotional connection from either of us that our relationship is going to become a platonic roommate situation with no spark.

    Do I kiss him when I get home? Or do I just smile and say Hi? Do I sleep in the other bedroom? Do I resist giving him hugs or holding his hand when we walk together? I don’t want to chase. But I also don’t want to shut my feelings and actions down.

    Mostly, I just want to know how on earth to turn the tables so that he will chase ME. How do I balance being independent and slightly out of reach if we’re living together? It’s very tricky to do.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:33am

  25. 25: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,
    I have thought about this lots. My fear is seeing someone I know on there. I don’t know why this bothers me so much?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:39am

  26. 26: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Maru

    this is where you focus on YOU
    On your feelings
    what you like to do

    not on him at all

    Go out with friends, go for a beautiful walk, to a concert, whatever you love that makes you feel good

    paint your nails
    get lost in a good book

    If he approaches you then just stay open

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:39am

  27. 27: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Maru

    this is where you focus on YOU
    On your feelings
    what you like to do

    not on him at all

    Go out with friends, go for a beautiful walk, to a concert, whatever you love that makes you feel good

    paint your nails
    get lost in a good book

    If he approaches you then just stay open

    I cant recall the exact details of your situation-are you exclusive?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:41am

  28. 28: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    oh heck, what happened there??

    I think Roris reconnect programme is excellent

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:43am

  29. 29: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Maru
    you dont have to shut off emotionally at all
    Feel your feelings
    but let him approach you and lean back

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:45am

  30. 30: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing says

    “Maybe your dream could show you a different perspective on you past experiences about cheating…What do you think?”

    At first I thought “I don’t know about that…”

    But yes. Yes! The more I roll this around in my mind the more it makes sense. This is the first time in my life I have ever felt that desire. I never understood it…Though it was a dream it was real enough that I felt it deeply. It still lingers and clings to me. I have been awake for hours. When I awoke to wishes for the dream to be real I felt no less desire or love for G…He is also a powerful sexy man. His love and desire for me run deep. I feel it like an ancient river flowing inside him. I see it. I know it. This is more important to me than anything right now.

    We talked about children the other night. It felt weird and serious but fun and playful. Did that conversation have a hand in this? It was on my mind a lot yesterday.

    One of the biggest blessings I thanked the universe for during my divorce was our lack of children. No innocents were harmed.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:49am

  31. 31: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I recall reading one of roris E letters from when she was having trouble in heer marriage and trying to fix things-and it wasnt working
    One day she just got home and sat on the rug playing with her baby daughter
    her husband arrived home and she didnt jump up to greet him as per usual, she just sat there enjoying her daughter, enjoying the moment

    She says that is when things turned around
    when she stopped focusing on him

    it sounds so simple!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:50am

  32. 32: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Stix, maybe your subconscious is doing “closure” for you with TallD so you can move on with G
    I dont know

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:53am

  33. 33: TamNo Gravatar says:

    25 Smile about your fear…that’s very topical.
    I just had a guy contact me on the dating website (Florida) telling me that we have a common friend and told me the name….I felt weird about that.

    I feel kind of ‘found out’ and a little uncomfortable. It is a male friend I am reasonably close to (the common friend), and I wonder how they came to know that the other guy was chatting with me. They must have talked about me…that feels scary…and nice in a way.

    And I am talking about a metropolis here in Florida, not some backwater…jeepers, millions of people..and always the same ones pop up in life.
    Smile don’t worry….

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:58am

  34. 34: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I think my fear is also to do with my profession. I want to remain to be seen as a professional. I can only be found on fb if you are a mutual friend of a friend.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:01am

  35. 35: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((maruluna))))) I think Ruth’s advice is good. Focus on making yourself feel good, give yourself love, and feel your feelings.

    MissStix – I have been having explicit dreams lately too! I think it is because I made the decision to wait until I am in a committed relationship, and try to correct past mistakes of having physical intimacy before emotional. Different situation than yours, but the dreams definitely are jarring when I wake up!

    I feel so happy. I posted here a couple days ago about a CD I have feelings for. Last night I saw him in a group, and I leaned way back – physically in my chair – and he totally carried the conversation and it put me so at ease. I was originally going to tell him that I had feelings for him since I was unsure if he was interested or not — but I didn’t have to! He asked me out for next week on his own!

    Finally, I was in a work meeting yesterday and was feeling anxiety bubbling up in my stomach. I totally used the idea (talked about by Daria on the blog earlier I believe) to breathe in through my nose the love that I receive and breathe out through my mouth love onto myself. It really did help calm me down.

    (((sirens)))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:02am

  36. 36: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth

    Food for thought! I had not considered that perspective. Thank you!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:04am

  37. 37: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    fair enough Smile.The professional thing resonates with me too

    Okay, this is so bad its hilarious

    Tragic perm piccy

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7736510@N08/4355986414/in/set-72157623007580076/

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:05am

  38. 38: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    35 Olympia, its not my advice its Roris stuff

    :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:06am

  39. 39: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I had just finished thinking it feels like unfinished business! Ruth your comment showed up at the right time to anchor that thought. Blessed.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:07am

  40. 40: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Stix
    :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:10am

  41. 41: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, you look happy and free with a perm!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:14am

  42. 42: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    “from CoW to WoW”

    I like this. I reapeat it over and over in my brain. It feels alien, but…It feels good like a rhythmic quick shift from negative to positive.

    The two are opposites, yet there is no space between them.

    This looks liquid in my mind. Like an edgeless watery yin and yang. It is blue and yellow.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:18am

  43. 43: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Maru it sounds like Rori’s program Reconnect Your Relationship could really help you. In it she shares tools and walk you through visualizations where you imagine love coming at you from all over. Just believing the man you are with is beautiful and loves. Being present, loving on objects around you and bringing that energy to yourself. Kinda internally surrounding yourself in a bubble of love, no matter what is going on outside you. I highly recommend that program.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:20am

  44. 44: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yes but Smile, oh DEAR(I like the picture though.Its Brighton)

    My hair is usually all over the place anyway, I never did learn to blow dry and im always running so its just long and tied up and crazy

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:20am

  45. 45: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    BTW Maru MissStix shared on the last article how she sucked power and strength from the air around her as she moved away from what was triggering. You might wish to read that to kind of sink into the feelings and imagery it paints.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:22am

  46. 46: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    43 FW
    seconded
    Reconnect is superb

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:23am

  47. 47: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Maru:- I totally used the idea (talked about by Daria on the blog earlier I believe) to breathe in through my nose the love that I receive and breathe out through my mouth love onto myself.

    This is one right here.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:24am

  48. 48: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, that picture is lovely : )) i love wild hair & that sweater looks hand-knit…. plus the waves ???? seems perfect !

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:25am

  49. 49: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I going for a walk to see the love around me and breathe it in the air through my nostrils and out my mouth onto myself. I think of myself as sensual just imagining this.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:26am

  50. 50: TamNo Gravatar says:

    37 Ruuuuuuuth!!!!! You look so super cute in that pic, really!!!! And that little frown on your face.
    It’s actually a lovely pic.
    Tad windy…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:28am

  51. 51: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    hah Blooming
    it was a perm that went wrong but I love that photo now too
    I didnt when i was 25 LOL

    I hid it away for years
    then hardly any photos of me between 27 and 38 as i avoided cameras
    (was fat)

    But then running
    And we all look AWFUL when running but somehow that didnt matter,the fat didnt matter,And now i love the photos.Love taking them, love being in gorgeous places
    And i feel sad for the lost years with no records

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:31am

  52. 52: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I could buy lots and lots of the programs….but I have trouble feeding myself right now (not even to mention clothing…I can’t remember the last time I walked into a clothes shop)
    But I sooooo want the programmes…..argh.
    I just soak all the stuff up. FW, I loved what you wrote about being in a bubble of love and all that. aaaaah

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:31am

  53. 53: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth I think the pic is gorgeous. I felt so connected looking into your eyes. I felt it all the way down to my heart.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:32am

  54. 54: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    53 FW

    wow

    oh, that feels strange
    But nice strange
    :)
    I know what you mean

    I am looking at the other old photos and sort of mesemerised by the eyes too
    It feels so strange looking at young me.I hated myself so much and that is such a waste

    They dont work that well(there I flipping well go again)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:40am

  55. 55: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I tend to cry when I look at younger photos of myself

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:41am

  56. 56: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    (( feminiwoman)) I feel sadness when I read about you crying

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:42am

  57. 57: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW, well I only recently got mine out to scan in
    I have always keep a diary and oh God, i thought i looked so so ugly and fat
    its crazy!

    Now i cherish my photos for the other associated memories.Even if they are awful photos( and if you look on the site you will see some dreadful one).
    I still cherish them cos they are all i have of that time other than my unreliable memory and a few words i might have written at the time

    I regret the *lost years*
    Now i take lots and lots of photos of places i have been , not just running

    Wish i had started doing it earlier

    yeah, sometimes i cry too

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:47am

  58. 58: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I could tell young me some of the things I know now.
    I would say ‘you’re beautiful, clever and all will be well’
    I hated myself too, everything about me. Body, hair, teeth etc.
    Now when I look at the pics I see a cute and very shy, sad and confused young woman.

    Yet there are some, particularly with my bf at the time, where I look relaxed and happy and very smiley. He was very good for me and good to me and he did wonders for my happiness and self esteem…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:48am

  59. 59: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’m thinking about Defriending strummingmans mum on fb. She was so excited about us getting together. Last time I saw her was when we signed the contract for the house at Xmas. Now it just brings up waves of emotions as I see pics of her grandchildren knowing strummingman so desperately wants children.

    I would feel rude just defending her. She doesn’t really tend to get involved with our relationships. She let’s her ‘boys get on with it’ but she did write she loves me lots on my wall once when we first had a wobble.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:49am

  60. 60: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile you have to do whats best for you
    You cant worry about other people

    Just sayin

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:51am

  61. 61: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    These things are really impotent to me feeling able to move forward. It’s not about closure. Just don’t want to feel stuck.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:51am

  62. 62: marulunaNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh, so much meditation. ;)
    Thanks ladies.
    Off to focus on work and my kids. The highschool ones that is.

    hope you all feel light and bright today.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:51am

  63. 63: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Cut the cords Smile
    it feels as though you are more than ready to move on

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:53am

  64. 64: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, you could simply exclude her from your FB posts and choose not to see her feeds. As well, not visit her profile. Maybe even looking at the pictures and getting triggered and moving past the feelings is also a way to heal if it is not unbearable emotionaly for you.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:00am

  65. 65: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    ((((FW))))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:02am

  66. 66: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam you still can talk to her

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:02am

  67. 67: TamNo Gravatar says:

    This is true FW, I have read about doing that being helpful. Might do that tonight!! :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:06am

  68. 68: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ruth and siren angel

    I am so ready to move on.

    I have been full circle with my feelings on this one. I went back through text messages yesterday from strummingman to trigger emotions to heal. I feel more at ease with these emotions now. Maybe it would feel easier to do this with the pictures too.

    At first I thought I don’t want to just block her, I want to delete her. I want her to know I’m moving on and her boys missed out. But this felt like drama to me.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:14am

  69. 69: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I am moving on and excited about the future but I still feel a space in me holding a shining light for strummingman to guide him to me.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:20am

  70. 70: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    last self indulgent pic

    But
    A jumpsuit and a record player
    LOL

    And a reminder that even though I was blonde for almost 20 years, thats not my colour really

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:20am

  71. 71: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7736510@N08/4358859129/in/set-72157623366143336/

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:22am

  72. 72: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile you will be your own guiding light

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:25am

  73. 73: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright – I think it’s strange that you don’t see that as worrisome . I talked about it too a few of my married friends )Male and Female) and they all saw it as Red Flag Behavior. Maybe your standards might be a bit low?

    Feminine Women – Actually No…I think CuddleyGrinch knows he is acting out. He sent me a long lengthy email the nexy day Outlining his weekend. I sense he is testing my boundaries and nervous about my reaction to it. When we first started seeing each other…nothing was posted on his FB page. I don’t think he’s acting like a responsible adult at all….I think he is Acting Different From his usual self.
    Anyway, Are you actually dating anyone or in a relationship?
    How long was your longest relationship? Your advice is so helpful but We on this site rarely ever hear anything about your own lovelife.

    Anyway – I miss the feeling of being Crazy for someone and haing them feel crazy about you back. I miss Connecting with someone on a Soul level….I miss that walking on air feeing.
    I miss respecting a man and being awesone by him. I miss the comfort and power that comes from being Special. I love the way a man treats me When He is Into Me.
    …Sigh.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:26am

  74. 74: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    sorry about all the typos – im writing from a mobile.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:30am

  75. 75: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, that feels heartwarming to read. Beautiful!

    Ps jump suits are all the rage at the min! My friend a
    Has one 

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:31am

  76. 76: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I WANT another jumpsuit but i must not go there!
    :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:33am

  77. 77: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I miss alk that too Heart, and when I really truly reflect, I haven’t had ‘the real thing’ for 10 years. Little bits of it maybe, moments.
    I feel sad thinking it could be 10 more years or never.
    I will be happy with myself but I would live a man in my life.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:34am

  78. 78: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    So much thinking going on in my brain…

    Ruth looks cute. Windblown and free. Even if she wasn’t feeling it…

    I released any un-finished business. Maybe that party was the one time I should have gone home with a man. I knew him well. I choose to assume that if I truely should have…I would have. Things happen the way they happen in ways beyond my ability to reason.

    So how do I move forward in a positive way? In a way conductive to growing my current relationship…

    I don’t know if telling G about the dream is the way to go. I am going back and forth. On one side of my brain I know I could have that conversation in the right way. However, it would certainly be unsettling no matter how well I say it.

    I am leaning towards not telling about the dream specifically, but still somehow expressing this desire to be “dominated” in a sense…Lack of a better word. I want to express to him that I desire a measure of discomfort. I want to tell him to make me squirm a little.

    I don’t know what that conversation looks like yet.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:35am

  79. 79: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Live and love! Typos!! ;)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:35am

  80. 80: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I love typos

    hm, this carcass needs to be dragged out the door for a run

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:40am

  81. 81: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Smile

    I wonder what you imagine would happen if you let yourself feel stuck for a minute? Things started changing like crazy for me when I started allowing myself to really feel stuff I didn’t like to feel…which brings me to my next thought…

    To me, triggers are a call to become more than ever before.

    Whenever we fully and deeply feel all of the feelings of a trigger, it’s like Daria mentioned in the previous thread, the next time it comes along and it’s much less intense, it gets easier and easier. Our bodies are very smart and adapt and create new neural pathways and whatever else our bodies need to accomodate more feeling.

    I’ve heard Gay Hendricks say that he believes the purpose of the body is to hold more and more infinity…the thought feels good to me and when I remember it, I feel so good about triggers and feel excited about them…ohh..!! more infinity coming through! Woot!!

    ~~~~~
    I found a way to deal with the C situation.
    It has been very very important to me, for some reason, to be extremely gentle with him and to not blaze out on him in a big fiery thing and let this thing dissolve on it’s own.

    I’ve been very conscious of it feeling like an umbilical cord between us, and allowing it to be like a lotus birth, where the placenta is allowed to stay attached to the baby until it falls off on it’s own a few days later rather than cutting it. Cutting a cord is violent and leaves scars and a masculine action.

    Allowing it to detach in it’s own time is feminine.

    I felt disrespected by him yesterday, as if he was acting bratty and entitled and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way he was kind of screwing his friend at work over…I assumed she knew…I mean, 3 or 4 of my friends know all about it and have been reflecting to me the learning in it.

    I didn’t like the lying aspect of it, but wasn’t sure how to address it. I didn’t want to give an ultimatum, I didn’t want to reject him, and I didn’t want things to keep going the way they were. So I took it to a higher level this morning.

    This morning I was imagining all kinds of FM’s, conversations, how I might deflect him…and remembered…
    Oh! I don’t have to figure this out. I don’t have to practice or rehearse or do anything, I can let go and give this to G0d (is that a moderation word?) and drop the oars and not do anything.

    Then I imagined our hands on each other’s hearts and a prayer came to me:

    G0d/Goddess
    Bless and sanctify our hearts and minds
    So that our love and affection for each other serves our highest good.

    May Your love blossom and shine through us.
    May we feel the velvet touch of Your grace upon our souls.
    May the beauty of Your love be expressed in our care for one another
    May our every thought, word and deed by guided buy Your vision for our lives.
    May we see ourselves, each other , and all life through Your eyes
    The eyes of Infinite Divine Compassionate Love
    Love that flows like water through our being
    Love that cools and soothes, heals all wounds, sets all tings right,
    love that illuminates the shadows of our past and is our beacon into the future
    We feel deep gratitude and bubbling joy as we fully receive YOur gifts
    Through each other
    Without shame
    Without guilt
    Knowing we are worthy
    Knowing we are Your love made manifest
    May Your truth live in and through us
    Radiant and pure
    We do affirm and feel the knowing in our hearts that before we even ask it is given

    And so it is.

    It felt so powerful, so I made up some cards with the prayer with one of my drawings on the front and gave one to him.

    (I don’t go to church or even consider myself to be aligned with any particular faith but this stuff just pours out of me every now and then).

    I also gave one to another co-worker who is a
    deacon and it brought him to tears, and reminded him of when he used to write prayers and I encouraged him to get back on it.

    And it’s been calm today. He’s doing his thing, staying away, no running past my door a hundred times trying to get my attention. Without a word from me.

    I feel better about myself, and especially around our other co-worker who knows him and his gf.
    I feel like I beat him up with a velvet glove :) He’s so used to violence and his particular street culture that I’m sure he doesn’t even know what hit him but I know he feels it and
    I feel
    done.

    In other news I had a wonderful date last night with my lover who is beyond a Good Man. He is an Extraordinary Man, what Good Men wish they could be :D There is so much I had forgotten and took for granted from long ago and when we reminisced I was moved to tears at how real and deep and steadfast his love has been for me all this time.

    When I told him I was practicing being more feminine he made a point to come to my door, open the car door for me, pull out my chair at the restaurant, and made it clear that he was paying.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:43am

  82. 82: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    ooooooh belle that felt powerful to read

    i have so much to learn

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:45am

  83. 83: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Got cut off but anyway
    I’m feeling yum
    and relieved
    and good and satisfied.

    I feel gratitude for Rori and FM’s and all of the tools to show me the way back to my feminine power. It feels frickin’ amazing to use the tools with the images in my mind.
    Happythankyoumoreplease :D

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:50am

  84. 84: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Beautiful belle!

    I was enthralled in your post!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:50am

  85. 85: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    # 77 – Tam – Three Cheers for the Real Thing.
    It’s so much easier when You Actually Are the Air a Man Breathes rather than just telling yourself you are…lol!

    Ruth – lol@carcass ….Cute pic.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:51am

  86. 86: MelNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Turquoise))))

    I’ve just been catching up. I feel angry and protective at the way C has been treating you lately. It feels good to hear that you are simply disengaging from these toxic confrontations to take care of yourself. :) It’s not easy!

    Also, I wanted to say that I feel cheery and delighted to read your updates. To see you being SUCH a siren and enjoying every moment.

    As for Mr. C, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the door open… as long as he knows that that door is also open for any other Turquoise-worthy man to step through. You are “difficult” not easy… (your level of difficulty, that is) and you wait around for no one… Because quite simply, you don’t have to!

    Love ya!
    xo

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:51am

  87. 87: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Belle,

    Thank you for your question. Feeling stuck…

    Ive been feeling my stuckness for 12 months now. Especially the last 9 months since strummingman told me he wasn’t moving in. I’ve felt my sadness through and through. Now I want to wriggle free from it’s trap. At first it was difficult to get on my horse. I kept falling off. Now I’m on and have been trotting for a while. Strummingman is still hanging onto my saddle but I want to gallop!

    I’ve been constantly triggering myself to bring up emotions. Yes this does work, it feels less intense. Im facing it head on. Nothing is being hidden or stuffed away. Hence me being on the blog so much. I’m really trying to feel. Feel everything, not just about relationships.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:59am

  88. 88: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hm maybe if I gallop strumming man will fall off? Or maybe he’ll find the strength to jump up on the saddle. Either way I’m not trotting to make it easy for anyone to climb on.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:03pm

  89. 89: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Heart,

    Hello. :) How long had you been dating cuddygrinch?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:04pm

  90. 90: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Galloping feels like raising my degree of difficulty!

    I’m a high quality siren 

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:05pm

  91. 91: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Turning my thoughts to G…I want to begin with building him up in my mind. A lot of this is on me. Yes he is a warm and cuddly bear. He is silly and goofy and comfort. He makes me giggle. I think it is one of his favourite things to do. Because although I have a deeper voice I squeal rediculously when tickled or threatened. Silly man. He’s being too cute lately.

    Shift it…This man is also big and strong. Sexy. Ooo I love his swagger. It’s actually a limp from a blown out knee years ago. Dam though…It’s a sexy swag. I love his long torso…mmm This man has, and will put me right up over his shoulder if I get cheeky. He is like a thunderstorm when he’s truely angry. Harmless but mighty and electrified. Hmmm rawr!! hehe

    Nope. All wrong. I don’t want to come at him like “grrrrawr!”…I want him to come at me! Intense. Lightly threatening but thrilling.

    Will he do this naturally I wonder? If I shift my own vibe to prey will he naturally become hunter?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:06pm

  92. 92: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    78

    MissStix

    If it were my dream, what I would notice are the intense feelings and the hesitation to share my BIG feelings in my inner world with my mate (which reflects feeling like cheating on him with someone thrilling and exciting).

    I might wonder, where am I cheating myself out of thrilling, intense experiences.

    I would notice that it was *my* dream, the other guy was nowhere near, so therefore I created the feelings MYSELF, no cheating necessary.
    I would ask myself, what would it take to create those feelings in my life without needing to “cheat” or be or feel duplicitous? Can I integrate these aspects of my personality into my conscious, waking life?

    I wonder if any of this resonates with you?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:06pm

  93. 93: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Actually in real life I’m dam scared of even sitting on a horse let alone galloping! I fear their power, strength and unpredictabiliy. I love imagery!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:08pm

  94. 94: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Heart I try to stay in the present so I only dredge up history when I feel the need. I am 50+ and cdating. I don’t want to focus my energy on any one man right now. Life is feeling good.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:12pm

  95. 95: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Being stuck feels like having too much to do but no energy to do it because your worn out from feeling such intense emotions

    ((smile))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:16pm

  96. 96: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Smile
    87

    I smiled when I read this and felt a big breath and sigh flow through.
    I thought of a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, wings sticky, gentle gentle a little at a time…a leg..and a wing…and a little more and a little more until
    she gently breaks free and stretches her wings, gingerly stretching, testing, testing until her wings dry and she is free to dance on the wind.

    Then I laughed and thought about SM dragging behind your horse, “Well, if you gallop fast and long enough, he’ll have to let go and you’ll leave him in the dust eventually.”
    Giddyup!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:17pm

  97. 97: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Stuck feels like having visions about something. how you want things to be but not making it happen. It remains just that. A thought.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:18pm

  98. 98: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    96- there’s your energy smile!

    Thank you belle! Beautiful! Brought a tear to my eye.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:20pm

  99. 99: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Anyone in Mississippi

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:21pm

  100. 100: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Belle

    It does resonate. I know your post makes sense but it still feels blocked and confusing to me…

    If I get right down into it I think my mind manifested a particular man who demonstrated something, and awakened specific desires within me. Desires and intense feelings I had never felt before. Or that I buried deep…

    I do not think this dream means I want to cheat. It sure shook me up, but the more I sit in it the more I realize it is just feelings I crave. Not another man. Up popped D because he embodies an energy that naturally strokes those feelings.

    I believe I can find those feelings with G. I can shift my own energy to draw him into that aspect of his masculinity. I know he posesses it. I can sink myself into a state that will naturally conduct that energy.

    I still don’t quite know what that looks or feels like, but it should be a fun paractice!

    Any help is welcome! Analysis and suggestions welcomed from all!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:22pm

  101. 101: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    I enjoyed my lunch date with JC. We are really starting to be comfortable with each other. He asked me today if I would consider going out of town with him for a few days in November to celebrate his birthday…

    We met a week ago today, so this all seems kind of crazy, but I have honestly lost count of how many dates we have been on or how many times we have seen each other already.

    He is persuing me and I am letting him – I can’t help smile when I am with him and it just all feels so natural and easy . . . how did this happen?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:23pm

  102. 102: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – often since this feminine energy practice I don’t have to ‘do’ anything to ‘make it happen’

    I just vision it, share my feelings and passion about it with everyone, and open to receive it… It just happens! And the actions I do take are inspired and effortless.

    It feels magical!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:23pm

  103. 103: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I am my own guiding light. I just realised how dark it’s gotten. I need to switch a lamp on. I feel like I’m wallowing away.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:23pm

  104. 104: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Smile
    93
    Scared???
    or..
    EXCITED?? :D

    I’m imagining you saying, “to heck with this” and taking some riding classes. Or something else that gets your pulse racing.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:24pm

  105. 105: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been stuck for a while too, Smile, you summed it up pretty well. Feels like living below one’s potential.

    I hope to change that soon, explore new things and broaden my horizons etc.

    Hoping for that, no more putting life on hold and living in the present rather than past..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:25pm

  106. 106: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfsjv0kVO7Y&feature=plcp

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:26pm

  107. 107: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Ps

    I’m not a big talker in real life. Sharing is difficult, and G knows that. I practice a lot of sharing through action, body language, energy etc. Instead of words. Although I practice speaking words also I don’t excel at it.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:27pm

  108. 108: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I think I can do this for most part, however I feel curious to know how you think this looks with my house situation?

    I can only think of practical ways to move forward with the house. Strummingmans furniture etc is all here. Although now he’s coming to shift it. I havdnt been able to throw things out because they are truley sentimental things. I have it in my head that by moving I will be cutting these ties. I’m moving to where I have more friends and not memories of a relationship that didn’t work.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:30pm

  109. 109: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and smile
    You ladies do not feel at all stuck to me

    you are moving

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:31pm

  110. 110: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    106: I’m not able to listen to the audio right now but I watched and she looks gorgeous!

    I feel inspired.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:33pm

  111. 111: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    106

    Very good!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:36pm

  112. 112: TamNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Ruth!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:38pm

  113. 113: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    106- thanks FW and dominique!

    Ive noticed I haven’t watched tv in at least maybe a month? I’ve spent a long time in a quiet and empty house. This has been so valuable in feeling my feelings. I often go out though, I work a demanding jobs and am a social butterfly but I really value the quiet space I have when I come home. I use to always have the radio on or the tv for background noise.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:40pm

  114. 114: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Belle, love this twist! maybe a motorbike!!!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:42pm

  115. 115: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ruth 

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:42pm

  116. 116: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh Ruth, that just feels awful!

    I feel just so sad hearing a woman refer to herself – her little girl – this way. I know it’s meant to be funny and it’s encouraged in some cultures to do so, and it just really feels awful to read and know a little girl is listening. Humor is often a way to cover vulnerability I learned from Rori.

    Is there anything I can do to Encourage you to stop? I know youre here to do this practice with roris tools . This Really feels hugely important to the work you’re here to do.

    After the communication earlier, I feel really powerless here. I would like to ask Rori to help or encourage you to write to her or Dominique – they may have an easier time communicating about this in a way that doesn’t trigger you.

    Everytime I read that , my lil girl feels so so sad and desperate, as if she’s being called those names. Feels terrible :( . :( . :( .

    I feel way safe knowing We’re here to call ourselves goddesses, gifts, yummy pies and sirens. Not to do the old ways of doing things that didn’t work. Even cultural ways like putting others first, being polite, or joking in ways that don’t serve our little girl. I wonder if there’s a way to direct the humor so that it supports and honors the little girl inside you instead? A way that isn’t making fun of her, no matter how funny it is to the other parts of self? Maybejust experiment with replacing that joke and see how it feels?

    Please ignore if none of this speaks to you.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:43pm

  117. 117: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I think I read something recently about being stuck and what it looks like and how to move forward. I’ll have a look.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:43pm

  118. 118: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I was feeling triggered by the carcass comment

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:44pm

  119. 119: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – early summer but I did some travelling in between…him as well. So there is a big gap in between.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:45pm

  120. 120: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Me too but I knew Daria would address it so I choose not to comment.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:45pm

  121. 121: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder What this showed up for me to heal? Powerlessness? I feel like I’m begging. Not being heard? I have no power here.

    How heartbreaking. :(
    I feel so misunderstood.

    I have no power in how someone else treats themselves, and if they choose to abuse themselves the easiest thing for me to do is express my Feelings, then walk away. I can skip posts that trigger me too much. I can assume the magic will happen without me.

    Why does everyone hate me so that they would ostracize me for being upset that they’re hurting Themselves ???? This is an nv. I am feeling triggered. I’m feeling disturbed desperate and upset.

    Desperate begging does not inspire people.

    I can feel heartbroken and share that and let it go, I feel so sad.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:45pm

  122. 122: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria,

    My little girl is asking if you wanna go to the park and play with us? :p

    I’m feeling playful today!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:45pm

  123. 123: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    By big gap I mean 3-4 weeks…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:47pm

  124. 124: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth

    Wow, I love what you say about the photos and running! Wow. It’s almost inspirational to me. I’ve had similar a-ha moments in my life, though have to say I’ve never managed to loose any weight..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:49pm

  125. 125: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – hehe well one idea I had was CD like crazy, let a man come over, and make love all over that furniture! Lol

    Even the CD like crazy part will be enough.

    Otherwise I would just feel my feelings until I found myself inspired to make changes in the house. Maybe make it fun for me like a non timed, creative game :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:52pm

  126. 126: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I found this and thought it might be helpful to read… I love the bit at the end where Rori says she will step in to help when necessary just like she did the other day.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/

    Also Daria, she mentioned you specifically. Thought it would be useful for a lot of sirens to read!

    If you need help, Daria’s comments might help you – she Riffs fearlessly…read some of her comments and see how far she’s willing to go!
    If it turns into a nasty mess – I’ll jump in and try to buoy it all up…but wouldn’t it be great if we could create here some of the “chaos” you find out in the world, and then learn to work through it in a powerful – FUN and HAPPY way?

    Here’s to shaking it up!

    Love, Rori

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:53pm

  127. 127: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Femininity isn’t always Pink and Sireny and feathery.
    Femininity is also earthy and dark.

    I love your Carcass comment Ruth.
    Your inner Witch needs to be served as well.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:55pm

  128. 128: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel aww thanks! Yay we can play at the park and after sleep over here cuz it’s nite and talk and laugh and imagine stuff together!! That would feel so funn funn funn I have a friend yay Mel! That feels so yayy to be invited!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:55pm

  129. 129: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((daria))))))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:55pm

  130. 130: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria! I love that! Maybe I can give this cd thing a go!

    I also remember your house game where you took one thing from one room into another, have I remembered correctly!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:56pm

  131. 131: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    121

    Daria

    Can you give other people permission to hurt themselves and allow them their experience? Is it possible for you to LOVE that other people are going to hurt themselves and that’s part of their process and maybe not a bad thing?

    Are you hurting yourself over other people hurting themselves?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:57pm

  132. 132: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Heart,

    Did he ever ask about being exclusive?

    I’m just recalling an experience, early on in my CDing career, when I started to really like this one guy (sexysarcastic). We had been seeing each other for like two months, when I discovered he was still using his online dating profile.

    At first, I felt incensed! How DARE he?! Then I just turned it around…

    That should me, actually…. I should be using my online dating profile SO much that it doesn’t even matter to me what he does/doesn’t do. If any man WANTS me to STOP using my profile, they will specifically ASK me to be exclusive. I will not assume exclusivity with anyone. It will be requested. And I will CHOOSE to accept or not.

    That made me feel so powerful! It was all up to me. I just accepted lovely dinner invite after lovely outing request until the right man showed up. And I didn’t even see him coming!

    Maybe my point is… if you are seeing loads of other guys, it might not bother you so much to learn that one of them may or may not be casually dating others.

    Please disregard if this doesn’t “fit.” :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 12:58pm

  133. 133: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    You have been such a sweet online friend… I wish we lived closer! That sounds like a blast!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:01pm

  134. 134: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    This article reminds me of my parents’ marriage, and makes me feel sad. :(

    We did NOT communicate in my family, and when my parents DID communicate, they were always either attacking or defending each other.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:02pm

  135. 135: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Daria
    118
    that really was a joke and I wasnt beating myself up at that time
    But your words do ring true for other stuff i say about myself, i think I said earlier that we Brits do use a lot of self deprecation but i know i take it too far and it becomes a habit that ulitmately is destructive

    So, thankyou

    I dont feel triggered right now
    you are speaking sense to me but it feels bad that I am triggering you

    eek

    its my problem!

    And i seem to have lost the power of communication yet again, sorry

    Hugs an love

    I do see what you are saying
    This is a very, very ingrained habit for me and i know its is not a good thing

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:03pm

  136. 136: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, 126- I still consider myself to be a new siren
    I often read you feel misunderstood on the blog.
    Reading this article from Rori helped me to understand you more and the chaos that sometimes arises on the blog. I wonder if it helps other sirens.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:04pm

  137. 137: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Whoa I don’t feel good seeing a siren put herself down. Turning it to an inner witch thing feel exciting and mysterious,

    But my little girl still feels scared that shell be put down again, soon.

    And I feel mad.

    And I feel mad at having that encouraged.

    The truth is – The intent of the comment did not come out as feeding an inner witch – it came across as putting oneself down and making a joke of oneself.

    What if a man told you to ‘Move your carcass you silly cow?’
    Well it would feel awful and thAts how I felt. Or maybe it would feel funny till it starts to feel bad. I know how easy it is for Me to overlook being made fun of, till I’m one if the boys all numb with a bruised heart and not knowing quite what’s wrong since its all humor.

    And if you don’t care, well you don’t have to, but I feel mad!

    I do Not want my sirens talked to this way! Feeling pist

    Basically I’m heading a fuchk you Daria, who cares what you say, what Rori teaches, I want to continue doing it this way that harms me and makes you feel bad and shocked and jarred and uncomfortable.

    And guess what . You can. And I can continue to say how fuchkin Awful it feels

    And later on of course it will all work out the way I’m encouraging anyway, cuz everyone will get that it just Feels better. But since I have this desperate energy, my magic is getting blocked cuz I’m feeling unworthy

    And you know wha… I Still Feel Mad.

    Even if I’m creating this block

    I feel fuchkin mad.

    So mad about other things

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:06pm

  138. 138: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    121
    daria

    I ffel sad that you feellike this

    you are loved on this blog
    I lurked for a long time before posting and that much is obvious
    you are loved and held in high esteem

    so squash those NV and I am sorry if i trigered you
    But i am a long long way behind in the healing and I probably have 20 , no 30 years of self abuse to undo

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:07pm

  139. 139: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – part of the point that Rori says that she will not allow us to beat ourselves up on her watch is that it draggggggs down our self-esteem and practically reverses any healing we have accomplished. Many times we are unconscious of our patterned self-talk and what we write helps us to identify what is unconscious. In simplier terms it is self defeating to beat up on onself because we also attract men to help us do our dirty work.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:10pm

  140. 140: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t see Ruth as ‘hurting’ herself… Hmmm… I wonder what I’m missing… Feel confused, like I am missing a link here…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:10pm

  141. 141: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – Awareness is Key

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:11pm

  142. 142: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I saw Ruth as being honest and vulnerable.. I feel strange.. And sad …

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:11pm

  143. 143: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    116
    Humour covering vulnerability

    yep

    Spot on

    100%

    it is rife in medical culture too, its now we protect ourselves form pain

    Not saying its right
    but thats what happens

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:12pm

  144. 144: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, would you find it useful to read the article I just posted. Hope it helps x

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:13pm

  145. 145: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Rebecca – honest and vulnerable. Truthful also in saying how she is thinking of herself.

    We use this to raise our awareness. How we see ourselves is how the world sees us. How we treat ourselves is how the world treat us.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:14pm

  146. 146: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Urgh, Im feeling *really* vulnerable and want to run away but i must not

    It feels threatening, but I know I need to stand up and face this at some point, so why not now

    hm
    Deep breath

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:14pm

  147. 147: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile that was one of the first articles i read on here
    I went straight to the self esteem section(i *know* it s abig isue for me)

    thank you

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:16pm

  148. 148: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth you are brave. I remember initially experiencing you like a tortoise. Occassionally sticking your head out for a minute and then quickly pulling it back. You are getting stronger

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:16pm

  149. 149: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Like my parents being mean to each other, and my fear of saying something about how I feel as i imagine it will turn on Me just like this

    How Dare you encourage that se speak kindly to each other! You Bully! You’re all in our business!!

    Ugh!!!

    I feel so pist.

    Soo triggered.

    Well I’m practicing this shit here. So I can learn to live through it and do what makes me feel better, sharing my feelings and that I don’t want people put down around me

    Regardless of how anyone else feels.

    Yup. You heard right. I will express myself regardless how anyone else feels about it

    Haha ! I will defy all you who want to battle and silence me – this is all in my head, ladies on blog –

    By being me and expressing myself

    And I’d someone says something that feels bad.. I will speak up. Every. Single. Time.

    And I will Win. Cuz I am doing it for my healing, and it will get easier and I’ll be more powerful in short time.

    Like I always am.

    So go ahead, put someone down. You’ll know I’m expressing myself, even if you skip my posts.

    Cuz I am That Bad Ass.

    So there! Ha.

    This is great practice already:

    Whew

    I feel do full of energy from stuffing this down my whole life.

    Hell naw I don’t want to be made uncomfortable, or swallow my feelings.

    And if I get attacked and feel like dying, it will pasa.

    Wow this feels Big. Im starti g to feel scared.

    Ol babysteps.

    Yeah I’m gonna use a simple ‘whoa, I feel pain’ (translated)

    And tweak from there

    Yay this will change Everything! I feel scared.
    No wonder I felt so triggered, so much healing is coming from this.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:17pm

  150. 150: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    I feel excited and charged up and wondering if a breakthrough might happen :D

    If those are Roris’ rules then notify her and she can enforce them.

    In the meantime you are beating yourself up over a few words that were said at least a day ago, and not even to you, if not longer.

    Do you see?
    Can you feel how much it hurts?
    Are you the only one allowed to beat yourself up as long as you use FM’s?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:19pm

  151. 151: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Humour covering vulnerability – this brings hot tears to my eyes, swirling fear in my gut and burning snot in my nose.

    I feel so fearful to turn around and face myself.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:19pm

  152. 152: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You go Bad Ass!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:21pm

  153. 153: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Belle- Rori did step in on the last post.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:22pm

  154. 154: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I feel do full of energy from stuffing this down my whole life” – it feels like hot lava swirling around my heart just reading this.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:22pm

  155. 155: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – I’m not Circular Dating….I’m just dating.
    It doesn’t fit in my case. I didn’t want a commitment from him. He brought it up early and said exclusivity was Understood between too people hanging out…But I avoided the talk of it Since I was into Manboy
    and didn’t want to be tied down in case Manboy came around.
    Now my feelings are changing.
    Cuddleygrinch/time made me forget about Manboy…I feel turned off by Manboy now.
    I’m liking CuddleyGrinch now…but He’s starting to change.

    The thing is a few days ago. I didn’t want a commitment. I declined his invitation and went out with friends.
    But when I saw the pictures felt shocked and awful.
    And then I felt the need to claim him!

    My Guyfriend has told me that CuddleyGrinch is doing that as a strategy to make me Want him more and I think he’s right….Because now I’m focusing on him Way to Much!

    Whatever…I’m balancing out…and need to focus on a project next week…so I’m just putting CuddleyGrinch on the backburner….If he’s still keen I’ll date him in October.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:23pm

  156. 156: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca
    it a long ingrained habit of joky put downs
    Do it before someone can do it to you

    make people laugh
    deflect away form the serious stuff and how badly i might feel about myself by making a joke of it

    its not self abuse as i define it, but ultimately it is very destructive

    Im so used to hearing it, both in my own voice and culturally that i dont react to it like daria does, not even in other people

    but, its not good
    When i did CBT(of, and NLP too), well, it was all about just changing the language one used about oneself.even if you didnt believe it. just talking about oneself in a non negative way is a start

    Your reation feels intriguing and unsettling daria

    Could be very helpful to me
    Cos i am quite happy to hurt myself, but not other people

    Cold be just the(oh God here i go again) kick up the bum I need to sort it

    Right, okay

    Im going to make a real effort about this from here on in

    feel free to pull me up if i do it again

    thank you daria

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:24pm

  157. 157: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    152 FW

    I got the hot tears

    the snot is a matter of time

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:26pm

  158. 158: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ruth . I feel honored and heard. Sorry about any pressure from me. I want us all to feel happy and get there Fast (((( sirens))))

    It doesn’t take as long to undo as we practiced it .

    1 2 3 4 5 times of being aware and doing Something different (even if that something winds up not feeling so great either).. Any lil step diferent than the old pattern step, even just noticing ourselves doing the old pattern step – and the pattern gets healed and long gone

    Just a few tweaks here and there. Nothing gets thrown away that we like – not humor, not fun, not bonding or being seen, nothing.

    We Take All our stuff and with a tweak here a d there it all turns into something Healed magical.

    Rori says underneath all the ‘garbage’ there is Always treasure. Always.

    It’s really all worth it. All the triggered feelings I just felt getting me a big babystep closer to what I want in my real life .

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:27pm

  159. 159: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, here is to undoing
    Ping!

    I needed a bit of presure daria

    didnt realise i had backslid quite so badly

    Ta
    xx

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:33pm

  160. 160: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    “You Can Get Unstuck Fast…”
     

    Hi, This is Rori…

    So – What exactly does being “stuck” LOOK like?

    Being stuck ALWAYS looks like you’re in your head. 
     
    You’re thinking. 
     
       You might even be “spinning” your thoughts – bouncing from one extreme idea to another, stopping only long enough to beat yourself up about what you’re thinking about.

        Perhaps you’re thinking and feeling that you will never have the life you want, never have the LOVE you want, it’s just not in the cards, not in the stars, not possible in the world as it is right now and as men are right now.  

    So – now that we know what it LOOKS like, what does being stuck FEEL like?

    Perhaps you feel: 
     
       “I want to stay exactly where I am.  I do NOT wish to move forward.
     
        I only want to stay in my thoughts, keep doing what I’m doing, go somewhere where I’m safe, where I’m comfortable, where I’ve laid it out so nothing triggers me and everything stays the same.  

        But – at the same time – I wish for MORE!  I wish for even more love, more passion, more dreams coming true, more excitement and happiness and fun and even money.”

    Perhaps it feels like: “It’s as though I want more – but I don’t want to move from my spot.”

    So here we are – stuck between what we really want and where we feel comfortable. 

    And no amount of “thinking” is going to change that.
     
       What changes it is “action.” Small steps toward “MORE” that aren’t so scary they make you tense up. Small steps that actually FEEL good and get you quick enough results that you truly WANT to do more of them.

    Getting unstuck is  a process where you sneak up on yourself. 
     
       It’s “stealth-like.”

        You do things that are fun and effortles and just a little bit challenging – and before you know it you’ve made a huge leap in a new direction without activating your defensive armor.

        Without getting your inner “Nasty Voice” all ticked off and in motion.

        You sort of “slide by” all your patterns before your system goes on “alert.”

        If you’d like some new Tools (ones only my clients normally get) to help you slide by your defense system, sneak past your old patterns, and loosen up the stuckness you feel and think…take a look at my “Love Forever” program==>

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:33pm

  161. 161: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Ruth I feel l trembly and for a moment I felt warm and held like I got a hug from my mom ( my favorite hugs so far)

    I feel so moved to feel heard and I feel Loved!

    I feel crying too

    I did it I expressed myself and I was heard and stuff is changing and I’m not powerless ohh. I feel so

    Vulnerable
    And now I’m laughing too that I’m here crying in the dark and I feel Emily now and my heart feels safe and open

    And I want more, more hugs and that feelung that someone cares about me and would not want to hurt me

    And now I feel guilty thinking of a time I wasn’t willing to do thAt for someone and now I’m aware that that’s a pattern of bringing me down about when I get too high up the happiness ladder and I feel smily cuz now I noticed it so it’s already changed

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:34pm

  162. 162: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #137- (((Daria)))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:35pm

  163. 163: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Well, just had to cancel my date for tonight… my daughter didn’t tell me it was open house. I feel disappointed, but if he’s a decent guy he will understand and we can reschedule.

    Thanks Mel! That all meant a lot, and thank you for saying it’s ok to leave the door open…. I was taking it more as like being strung along or feeling I should wait. He never asked me to.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:38pm

  164. 164: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    “Belle- Rori did step in on the last post”

    okay, so then it’s not about what it seems…
    so I’ll feel in (I feel so alive!)

    What I feel is…
    ha!
    Related to FW’s first post.
    Not taking it personally.

    It hurts when we believe the stuff we hear that we don’t like is TRUE.

    When we know it’s not true, and there’s no wound there from believing stuff parents or other’s said when we were small and powerless

    It hurts when it feels true and there is a wound.

    It’s neutral, funny, feels good, doesn’t matter when it’s not true, or it IS true and accepted fully, no wound around it.

    I’m seeing here, and in my own life, that it really isn’t necessarily the best thing to keep sharing triggers and triggering other people with our triggers and creating chaos and letting it sort itself out. It does the trick, but I feel like there are other, gentler possibilities.
    I wonder what they are?
    Hmm..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:38pm

  165. 165: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow this blog is a real magical healing place like Hige energy healing of the world.

    Thank you for being here.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:39pm

  166. 166: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    161 Daria

    it feels strange that someone I have never met would be hurt by what i said about myself, that they would even care

    I honestly had never considered that what i did to myself might affect others
    light bulb moment !!

    this will give me the motivations to stop doing it

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:40pm

  167. 167: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – YESS!!!

    Also – here, on the blog, we work through our triggers. As Rori puts it “we want to trigger ourselves”. It’s like getting through it before it shows up in real life. So that when it does we don’t take it personally. She shares in Reconnect ways that she deliberately triggers herself.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:43pm

  168. 168: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    I feel good that it seemed to work out between Daria and Ruth…
    I’m still feeling though, that growth doesn’t have to come through so much pain.

    Maybe that’s just a message for me, though, that I can grow without watching the board all day feeling trigger after trigger.

    What is really possible here I wonder?
    I can feel another prayer coming on…:D

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:44pm

  169. 169: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks heart that felt soothing . Sorry for ‘yelling at’ you in that post. Thank you for treating me kindly and giving me a hug. That feels so safe and I feel all little and loved and hugged and safe.

    Whoa. I got a feeling I never had here on blog before just now, of being in with the women in my family and knowing I’m loved and feeling trust and safety and closeness.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:44pm

  170. 170: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “growth doesn’t have to come through so much pain”.

    It doesn’t and it does change. But as humans we tend to use the automatic negative override.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:47pm

  171. 171: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I think Rori Raye is a genius…her work/tools have helped me do much to get into my body, to find my feelings, to communicate …I even got my Mom to start using feeling messages and now we have amazing conversations where we both feel so connected and understood (So Shocking!)

    But I don’t agree with Everything Rori says.
    Some of the things she suggests — I wouldn’t do.
    Some of her teachings I don’t agree with..
    This is not a Cult. I can think for myself.
    I feel triggered by Daria’s comment.
    I feel unsafe and defensive.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:47pm

  172. 172: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – thank you for supporting me to feel good. It feels scary, but deeply loving to me to be there looking at my painful feelings … It feels way diff than beating myself up… And I feel worried I don’t want to make anyone wrong of push anyone away.

    Looking at my feelings doesn’t feel like sadistically torturing myself and telling myself things to feel guilty… It feels more like sitting in a storm and hugging a frightened child, so really as scary as the storm is, sharing that hug is worth it.

    And I know from experience the aftereffects of my change in behavior in real life will be awesome

    Smh

    The peaceful power woman weathered the storm and now feels ready for sleep

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:49pm

  173. 173: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #169 – Daria – I feel guilty now for posting I felt unsafe…and defensive…LOL….

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:51pm

  174. 174: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – I feel honored and like I have a powerful someone behind me when the storm feels overwhelming.

    Thank you for that. I honor you.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:51pm

  175. 175: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    168 belle
    it felt very painful and scary to go through
    and I avoided that yesterday cos i wasnt ready
    Glad i have done it though

    I think the internet is a difficult communication medium for this sort of stuff, as I have said, you cant access the non verbal cues, the smile, the touch of the hand to say its okay, you know the sort of thing

    But I guess i could have just not sai anything, or walked away for a while

    I chose not to

    I think it would be gentler if i ws sitting in a room with all you girls and i could see you, and your faces, and you could see mine

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:51pm

  176. 176: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – wow I don’t even feel triggered reading that now!

    I feel so happy and open and loving.

    So glad to have you here!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:53pm

  177. 177: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Intensity to soft and gentle rolling into bliss

    All sirens even the ones who don’t think I mean you…I do mean you. Love like fresh clouds of support to All of you and our island

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 1:56pm

  178. 178: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Back to say ((((((ruth)))))

    You are brave and beautiful and powerful and kind.

    A lovely goddess, your name makes ne think of… Well lol

    Feeling embarrassed!!!!

    It makes me think of having deep inside sex while my mouth and my mans are hungry lost in one another

    Eeeek

    :)

    Wow that felt amazing to imagine actually, I’m now Totally adding that to my ideal relationship ‘reminder visions’

    Oh wow I feel excited, I don’t ‘have’ this before… Now I do

    Thank you ruth … You inspire me

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:03pm

  179. 179: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I decided to speak my truth and reiterate how I felt and what I wanted and respected that he didn’t want the same. Unbelievable have now been asked if I want a gang bang, Righteo. It’s not working to good for me. Felt so despondent earlier, feels difficult not to spiral down and listen to the negative voices which are telling me that no body is ever going to want me what I want my boys and my situation. Started to feel really wobbly pondering if I look like I’m up for a ganbang then. I do feel triggered by this. So what’s the message with that then. Sigh. Then it felt good to feel the warm water from the shower making me feel better and calmer.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:08pm

  180. 180: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    178

    whew!

    powerful (gorgeous) image but Im not quite sure how my name does that

    :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:09pm

  181. 181: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Really good post Rori!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:10pm

  182. 182: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – not sure either! Some of it is about starting in ‘rut’. And ending like ‘earth’ and then I see reddish wet earth clay and the the vision

    Thank you

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:11pm

  183. 183: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    179 Annie
    I feel yucky reading that

    what a sleazeball

    Now most men are NOT like that

    you just had bad luck and he managed to cloak his nastiness in enough respectability to waste your time
    still, thats *all * you wasted

    NEXT!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:12pm

  184. 184: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you.

    If this happens, you simply acknowledge that you are completely open to discussing and resolving all issues in a manner that is satisfactory to both of you… but that you are not going to let other issues distract either one of you from addressing one thing at a time… starting with the issues you have already raised… and when those are resolved, THEN the two of you can move to the next set of issues to resolve.
    Love, Rori”

    I don’t get this I feel confused. To me if someone wants to shut me down and is coming at me from that place they are not open to resolution their hearts are closed and they are in judgment so wouldn’t the loving action for ourselves to be to disengage until they were open?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:14pm

  185. 185: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:15pm

  186. 186: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    182
    well, I am an earth sign daria (taurus)
    I love all colours but i am a pink and purple and green sort of girl
    Oh, and black cos its slimming LOL

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:15pm

  187. 187: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    184 Annie

    yes, i would walk away too until i felt they would be able to hear me

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:16pm

  188. 188: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty you Ruth yes next feels good. I just feel a bit down like something is wrong with me attracting this. :(

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:16pm

  189. 189: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    And am starting to also feel a bit scared too.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:17pm

  190. 190: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Annie

    its *not* you
    there is sleazy stuff on dating sites
    i diont do them, but i get sleaxy stuff on facebook without even asking, blokes try it on.I suppose you cant blame them for trying, maybe someone says yes but -well, yuck.And i am no prude
    I would have been scared by the last bloke TBH

    but you are quite clear about your boundaries and thats fine

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:20pm

  191. 191: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I used to react really badly to people rolling their eyes at me. If it was a friend I would feel upset like they were not really my friend it would always be something that they were trying to get me to change my mind about and yet I was totally accepting and respectful that they felt differently about it. I just wanted them to leave me be without having to justify myself.

    And when my husband did this It was like a red rag to a bull. I wanted to kill him. Nowdays I just say I don’t want to be psychologically shut down, that isn’t going to work with men and feel amused if a woman does it.

    I really don’t know why I feel and react differently to if a man or woman does this.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:26pm

  192. 192: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok one more note for myself

    That ‘warrior archetype’ without no war

    Im looking at myself as an ‘intense energy woman’ instead

    And that feels dramatic, in a huge beautiful jewelry way, and hot and amazing like lava

    I feel pleased w my discovery and change of words

    So then a ‘lover’ ie a gentle , rolling energy man could be a great support.

    I believe I jobs all archetypes tho, and satin I’m one is like saying I’m a ‘seer’ like I have no ears (this is DariA philosophy… There’s all these types n styles cuz they’re All in me And available to me to express’

    I feel so pleased with myself like I would after a battle, yet I didn’t fight and I stead I healed.

    And that has this intense energy woman – feeling moved.

    Change words change archetypes, beliefs perspectives and heal

    All the stuff that feels good sifts out

    And blossoms

    It’s ok to be an intense goddess and feel good with this

    I’m giving myself permission

    This is different than urgency

    This is passion

    I don’t need to be even keeled and ‘balanced’.

    Where it might feel better to, Im OPEN to it now

    Gentle might feel good…
    I’m open to it

    I’m healing

    I feel sad now scared

    Will I get sick from powerful emotions?

    I’m stormy I storm I am ok cAn I be ok

    I am ok

    I’m being led to what feels good

    My horse is thundering right now and hey that feels thrilling too

    And moseying feels nice when that happens also

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:26pm

  193. 193: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria- 125

    Cd… One of the reasons I am moving is because I do not feel there are high quality men in the area I live now. I feel judgemental.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:28pm

  194. 194: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    192 daria
    I feel curious

    do you save your posts and read back?
    is it like a journal?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:30pm

  195. 195: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, I can no longer read about rolling eyes without thinking of that silly book!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:31pm

  196. 196: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Reading running blogs and feeling sentimental

    Love running
    :)

    Goodnight Sirens

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 2:42pm

  197. 197: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Today I got myself a soft silk tie bracelet in ivory with heart, star and flower crystal charms tied in. I am going to wear it on my left arm like Rori sugggests in Reconnect. I had seen it months ago and went back to the store and it was still there. Also I got a green string chakra bracelet with a crystal charm. Green being Love, Compassion and Peace.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:05pm

  198. 198: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – muah muah

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:18pm

  199. 199: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, i feel confused… Muah muah?

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:21pm

  200. 200: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rolling of the eyes is a universally accepted way of expressing contempt. It is a trigger shared by many people and one of the patterns coaches suggest we change when we notice it takes us and our partners in a continuous trigger loop.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:24pm

  201. 201: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Throwing you kisses beautiful Siren Angel. Bracelet sounds lovely

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:26pm

  202. 202: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Awww… Thank you Feminine Woman! That touches my heart.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:31pm

  203. 203: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    What book is that Ruth?

    Aww how lovely Siren Angel feel happy about your lovely bracelet.

    OMG Femininewoman that feels awful. I feel outraged again now. Contempt I didn’t know that. But yes that makes sense. The first time I met my husband I saw him treat someone with contempt. And yes he later went on to do this to me. What is the advice that coaches give to break the loop? I do appear to have broken that loop and change what I do and he just now stands and stares in disbelief, when I say it isn’t going to was or work with me. Not sure now though if this is really my best option. I used to lash out and attack and he would then say I was crazy. It was a learned reaction. I have seen others just go quiet and look downtroden and then any other people in the group become attracted to the person rolling the eyes, like they have become top dog, YUCK!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:46pm

  204. 204: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Awww… I’ve had such a weird night, one my friends is really depressed and super, super stressed. I couldn’t say anything right… I feel bad…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:47pm

  205. 205: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Glad ur feeling better Ruth… :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:49pm

  206. 206: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    MissStix – 78 – You would say something like this – “I have some (sexual) fantasies I would love to share with you. Would you like to hear?”

    Be aware though that he may want to share right back. Would you be able to handle this? What he might way?

    xxoo

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 3:49pm

  207. 207: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – in re 116 – I was going to write to you anyway but wanted to wait until I was done catching up, but since Daria has chimed in, I have to concur.

    These things may seem innocuous, calling yourself silly names, but they aren’t. I also want to add calling yourself ancient. First of all if you’re ancient, what does that make Rori or Virginia or Femininewoman or any woman here who is older than you.

    Secondly, I know many quite elderly people who are anything but ancient. There is a woman who comes to my ballet class almost every day. She is 95, and she takes pointe with is too.

    This may sound as though I’m chiding you, and I want you to know I’m not. I feel concerned about these messages you have planted in your brain.

    How about trying to eliminating calling yourself any derogatory names even in jest. Catch yourself as they come out. Shift them to better feeling names such as siren, goddess, gorgeous woman, whatever, anything which boosts you up.

    Will you give this a go?

    xxoo

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:01pm

  208. 208: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    “Rori says underneath all the ‘garbage’ there is Always treasure. Always.”

    A few nights ago I dreamed I woke up in bed next to a friend of mine. I got up excitedly and showed her my new place and skipped down the hall.
    I heard her “tsk tsking” behind me and turned around. She was pointing at 2 bags of garbage lying on the floor of my living room and wrinkling her nose at it.

    I told her, “Yeah, I should take those out.”
    I picked them up, took them outside, and wondered where I was going to put the trash. I noticed that I was in the front yard of the house I grew up in and I felt that yummy expansive feeling when I realize I am dreaming.

    Since I was lucid, I knew I could fly and I flew into the air with the bags of trash, tossed them into the sky, and said, “I give this trash to God!”
    They disappeared in a shower of silver sparkles and I happily flew around loop-de-looping until I woke up.

    I don’t need to sift through garbage to find treasure anymore, I’m awakening in the dream, God can deal with it and I can fly.
    As a student of ACIM, I’m sure Rori can appreciate that.

    I feel so grateful for the communication tools I so desperately needed and for all of the lovely inspiration and reflections, and it’s time to get off the emotional crack that this blog feels like for me and focus on my life. If I have to be triggered I’d much rather be triggered face to face and develop face to face intimacy with people than on a blog.

    If anyone wants to email me privately for any reason you can reach me at luciddreamyogini@gmail.com

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:25pm

  209. 209: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes for fun, when I am feeling uncomfortable with aging, I will look up inspiring stories of elderly woman online.

    I heard one story of a woman who started running when she was 40 and at 80 was winning races against men half her age. One year she got caught up in the wind and fell and broke her hip and the next year, she was at that same triathlon (I think) competing.

    I also love to find photos of woman who have aged exceptionally gracefully.

    I want to be a woman like that.

    I also like to search out stories of women over 40 who have had healthy, natural births. I feel amazed and relieved at how common this actually is.

    I feel so scared about the idea of aging and being cast aside by society, yet I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with the idea it. I feel relieved when I see what is possible.

    I also heard a women say that menopausal women are invisible except for to other menopausal women. Then I noticed when I go out that I don’t pay much attention to women in that age range and I have started to notice them more and feel curious about their lives and dreams. I don’t want to ignore these ladies. They have so much to share, so much wisdom. I will be one of these ladies one day and I don’t want to be ignored.

    I’m not really trying to make a point here, just exploring my own journey around aging.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:31pm

  210. 210: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie and FW,

    My ex, 7 yr old’s dad, was treating people with contempt and sarcasm all the time… Don’t know why I did not see the big red flag. When I got pregnant with now 7yr old, he treated my older son (from another dad) that way, and then me. It was awful and painful. I cannot even describe the words and sarcasm. They felt so heavy and I felt so powerless.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:32pm

  211. 211: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie 184, I believe it is to try to keep an open heart so you can express yourself and your feelings.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:35pm

  212. 212: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – ooooh you got a bracelet. I think I should buy myself something too…a new Feminine symbol…hmmm….feeling excited thinking about it.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 4:41pm

  213. 213: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    210: Siren Angel says:

    “Annie and FW,

    My ex, 7 yr old’s dad, was treating people with contempt and sarcasm all the time… Don’t know why I did not see the big red flag. When I got pregnant with now 7yr old, he treated my older son (from another dad) that way, and then me. It was awful and painful. I cannot even describe the words and sarcasm. They felt so heavy and I felt so powerless.”

    :( Feel sad about this. I do believe it is part of human nature for some. I see Davis Cameron and some politicians doing this. I feel even more curious now.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 5:14pm

  214. 214: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    David.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 5:15pm

  215. 215: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Laughing Goddess for your post about aging women. I am one of the oldest, if not the oldest at 56 (about to be 57 in Sept) on this blog. I am by no means a beauty, but I have men that think I am beautiful and sexy, although I have a hard time believing it. One of my CDs was only 38!!! He is gorgeous!
    With all of the emphasis placed on youth, there are times I look in the mirror and hate the lines and wrinkles that appear to multiply overnight. But I have earned every one of them and I know I bring wisdom and stories and memories to my children and grandchildren that they cherish.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 5:25pm

  216. 216: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Annie I don’t believe it is human nature. People learn relational patterns from what they see played out in front of them. Eye rolling can be learned in the home. I also believe a woman can talk about how she feels in the face of it and a good man will make an effort to change this pattern. He most likely will want a happy woman and a happy life.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 5:49pm

  217. 217: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am 50 and at times find myself worrying about get older but for the most part don’t think of myself as an aging woman. It actually feels odd to think of myself at this age because time flew by so quickly and I still kinda feel like I am in my 30s. I see so many in their 60s and 70s that are looking so good that for me the most part I feel young.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 5:53pm

  218. 218: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sassy. I am right behind you. 53 years young!

    Age is what it is. Time flies.

    I feel really tired tonight. I got up at 4:45 AM worked a full day at work. Went straight to the gym and pushed my 53 year old body pretty hard. I have noodle arms tonight LOL… then if that was not enough… I mowed my lawn, weeded, cleaned out my fountain by my porch, then ran the weed eater (which always feels like a workout in itself). Came in got a shower. Boy I am really spent.

    I always think when I am mowing grass. It is not always a good thing. Sometimes I cry … have done that many a time, because well I miss having a partner. Today I just mowed. I like having a tidy home and yard. It feels good to me.

    I actually feel void of emotion right now. Feels weird. I have been visualizing… imagining my man, not how he looks, but how he feels to me. THe more I do it the more I am feel astonished that I put up with the last man I was with. He was nothing like what my man feels like. WOW… Eye openner for me.

    I do have a man that has been contacting me from the POF website even though my profile is hidden the emails still come thru… he wants to meet me but is much older than I really am interested in. His profile said 58 but when I talked to him he said he is turning 61 in a month. sigh. He wants to meet on Sunday. sigh…. I am sure I could use him for another practice session. …. it is just that I want “my man” and I know he is not 61.

    I took some new pics for my profile but still have writers block.
    Tomorrow is another day. Nite

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:31pm

  219. 219: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone here clicked on the Calle Zorro link in Rori’s post?

    This is interesting stuff.

    I feel M is no longer meeting my emotional needs (I feel a loss of intimacy)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:32pm

  220. 220: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Sassy I would take a 38 year old. YOu go girl!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:34pm

  221. 221: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I am in my forties and have had men of all ages interested in me. I do look much younger, but still, they know my age.

    I wonder if I might feel safer with an older man actually, provided he stays fit and healthy.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:35pm

  222. 222: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, i see a lot of 70+ women looking as good as the younger women, so i wouldn’t give it a second thought. one time, i thought i “saw you” & you were stunning : )

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:45pm

  223. 223: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I did Siren Angel

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:47pm

  224. 224: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I feel much younger than my real age, like you do. Aging is all in one’s mind. Also, I have found that Yoga makes me feel and look younger (when I do it regularly).

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:48pm

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have 2 40-year old men wanting to marry.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:50pm

  226. 226: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    For years, since I was very young, my father told me that if I was not married by 30, I never would. He even insisted that I shouldn’t leave 7 yr old’s dad because I was too old to start over and get married one day. I believed this for the longest time. Then decided to change that belief and let it go about 2 years ago. I heard so many inspiring stories of women finding their true love and marrying at an older age.

    I have not spoken to my father in almost 3 years.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:53pm

  227. 227: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, you rock!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:55pm

  228. 228: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    like a Diamond rock!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:55pm

  229. 229: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Linda)))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:57pm

  230. 230: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, How would you feel about keeping an open mind about the man’s age? It all really depends on how you feel together anyway… It could be the man you have envisioned and summoned. Be surprised.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 6:59pm

  231. 231: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m loving hearing all of you lovely ladies’ views on aging! Thanks for sharing.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:09pm

  232. 232: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Belle: Not sure if you are still around but I just wanted to say that I felt so stoked to see you post the Goddess Alchemy Project song.

    I’m a big fan and don’t know many people who know of them. Makes me feel connected, like I found a kindred spirit.

    At one point, I shared one of their songs with Starla off-blog. Can’t remember which one it was exactly.

    I feel inspired to listen to them now.

    I feel understanding of your feelings around triggering. Sometimes I have to take a break for that reason too. Sometimes just because I don’t want to be on the computer so much and want more face-to-face interactions.

    Maybe we’ll see you back here again. Blessings!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:16pm

  233. 233: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel kinda sad because I want to respond to more posts yet I am feeling not so great physically right now. I’m gonna rest and maybe watch a movie and baby myself.

    Awww sweet LG. I’ll take care of you.

    Mr. Man is in town doing errands. Maybe I’ll ask him to pick up that movie Rori recommended.

    G’night ladies.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:20pm

  234. 234: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh ya, wanted to give Emerson hugs. Saw you were having a rough couple of days.

    (((emerson)))

    Hope the soup clears for you soon.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:23pm

  235. 235: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am watching Ondine on Netflix. It’s the story of a fisherman (Colim Farrell) who catches a woman in his net.
    Could not find the movie Rori recommends on Netflix.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:25pm

  236. 236: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    So a prospect cd contacted me today, I feel doubtful because he is good looking, and I usually go for the not so good looking thinking they will go crazy for me easier, but that hasn’t been the case. So I am gonna let it be and see what happens, I feel insecure when I am with a good looking man.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:41pm

  237. 237: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling surprised by hearing the ages…
    Feeling curious as to why some sirens do not already HaveTheRelationshipYouWant already….
    Feeling scared I am attacked for voicing these feelings

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 7:45pm

  238. 238: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    73 – Heart

    Wow, that feels ICKY reading you think my standards may be low!

    I don’t recall reading that there was anything more than that you have been on a couple of dates and that he was with a couple of woman friends…if I missed something that said he was having romances with them…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:21pm

  239. 239: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    And, no one was responding to you, so thought I would offer some encouragement. I will refrain from any further comment on your plight.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:22pm

  240. 240: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique

    Thank you! I hope he would! I can handle just about anything. Uhm I have a pretty deep seeded fear of restraints but he knows that. I’d say at this point i’m even willing to conquer that. I trust him. I imagine it would be thrilling. I already know he wants me to talk dirty but I have this vocal hang up where I clam and just have no idea what to say! He knows that. Practicing that… ;) I have zero body issues, like a little pain, love play and experimenting. Giving. Receiving. All of it. I feel confident and prepared for what he may suggest.

    Ooo actually it would feel pretty great if he showed me a wild side :D Fun!

    I’m excited to bring this up now!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:26pm

  241. 241: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    FW “I also believe a woman can talk about how she feels in the face of it and a good man will make an effort to change this pattern. He most likely will want a happy woman and a happy life.”

    From what I have read it is the biggest indicator of divorce and a sign the the eye roller is feeling contempt and does not value the person.
    That is not any person I want to have anything at all to do with or want in my life any longer.
    Complete and utter emotional manipulation and invalidation.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 8:30pm

  242. 242: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Star Bright – I feel bad you feel Icky but I also feel angry and attacked. I am feeling Blamed for your emotions. There is no shame in exploring whether You/Me/Any one has low standards. I put forward a Question. Isn’t that what this whole entire place is about ? – Raising your standards/value/self-esteem.
    If We were all Perfect Goddesses…we wouldn’t need to be here. We are all works-in-progress.

    I feel irritated by your second set of comments.
    I feel punished.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 9:43pm

  243. 243: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you LG :-) :-)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:25pm

  244. 244: R.N.AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens long time, ok very nervous have not dated in a LONGGGG time and a man lets call him TROPICANA CD. He seems nice he lives in the town i work in but I work like a hour and a half away. He said he will come closer to me and respected my wishes of meeting and not talking or giving my number right away which of course I now did. I am nervous but excited to practice!! It is saturday at 6 pm….biting nails..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:30pm

  245. 245: R.N.AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    Advice welcome…i do not date much anymore but he seems like a gentleman.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:32pm

  246. 246: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    237 Heart

    Perhaps because they only recently became aware of these tools. It sounds like you are lucky to have found them at a young age. Most of us weren’t taught these things and perhaps didn’t have good role models to learn from. I feel moved that we can find deep, fulfilling love at any age in life.

    Perhaps they are in a relationship but want to keep learning and growing in order to preserve the relationship and keep the attraction up.

    Maybe they did have the relationship they wanted and then lost their partner. Maybe their relationship desires have changed over the years and the relationship they started when they were young is no longer fulfilling.

    I can think of many different reasons.

    I dunno, maybe you are so young that you have had access to the Internet your whole life, but it is a relatively new thing and a lot of us simply didn’t have access to the kind of information at your age.

    I would consider yourself lucky for finding this at such a young age and also for having the resource of women who are older than you here. Even if they haven’t found that relationship, they still have lots of experience and wisdom to share and that is a gift in itself.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:33pm

  247. 247: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m saying ‘they’ when I should be saying ‘we’
    In reference to women that are older than you.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:37pm

  248. 248: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    LG I like your comments about noticing women of a certain age and I also liked your thoughts about women in their 40s having healthy births. Yes it does happen all the time! Thank you for sharing your thoughts I feel uplifted and light.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:39pm

  249. 249: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi RN amazing!!! That is great!!! I feel excited for you!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:42pm

  250. 250: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been noticing how strong the LOA is for me right now so I’m choosing to be positive and play the movies in my head that feel positive and good.

    Its a good exercise not to entertain negative conversations with others OR myself…

    Yes Emerson well talk about fun things we want around us like babies and puppies and ponies and ice tea and fruit grown in my own trees and a man who is kind hearted and patient like recycled (loved that about him)…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:47pm

  251. 251: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies if you saw a picture of recycled you would think he’s dreamy … He’s kind of Lou diamond Phillips – ish….
    Feeling piney – ish and missing him this week…there is a vulnerability about him.. But he’s unreliable (unavailable) and has some ass clownery traits …(as Natalie from baggage reclaim would say ) lol

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:50pm

  252. 252: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – if you live in a small area with not to many people, moving to a bigger town can help!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:50pm

  253. 253: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria:-)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:56pm

  254. 254: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens I hav not had time to cd I’ve been focusing on survival and that feels ….
    Bad

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 10:59pm

  255. 255: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Emerson!

    :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:18pm

  256. 256: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ! I Did click on the link now and I’m feeling way intrigued!

    It’s about showing men how to turn their wives on

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:21pm

  257. 257: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel nervous.
    When I think that I will be in Fl in 4 weeks time, I feel even more nervous.
    Last night I did do something I never do. I checked my phone messages from the last year, my US phone.
    I feel two things when I read those – I have not looked at that phone in 6 months.
    I feel loved and I feel utter fear.
    That is the unavailability talking….I see these messages full of love and full of ‘I’ll pick you up in half an hour’ and ‘I’ll be there in one minute’ and :(
    when I did not have time to meet…..and and and….
    I do not want to live in the past.
    I wish I was better prepared for when this happens again…I want to buy all of Rori’s programs and I can’t afford anything else, I do have the ebook.
    I feel so damn scared.
    I don’t want to get re-attached to this man, because I feel so good to be free of that here. Oh Jeepers Creepers!! AAAAAAAAAAARGH….having a small panic….

    OK. On another note, CubanCD (a really feely guy), just wrote me an email from top to bottom full of feeling messages!!! He beat me to it!! Now I am wondering what that tells me about the man. And then at the end he says again: I don’t know why I open up so much with you, I am telling you things I do not speak about with anyone else.
    I want to say: woah, matey, careful you don’t end up in an imaginary relationship….
    I feel a bit powerful because he has been real practice for my feeling messages…and he seems hooked. Well, if nothing else at least a bit of Salsa dancing will do me good!! Mamacita here is ready!!
    ;)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:26pm

  258. 258: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #246 Laughing Goddess – You’re right…I feel lucky…I feel happy.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:27pm

  259. 259: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Heart…..any news from CuddlyGrinch? :)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:31pm

  260. 260: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – lol@really feely guy

    I know that fear too Tam ….I think it comes because we don’t Trust Our Boundaries…maybe.
    You’ll be ok…I feel excited for you to go.
    This Mr.P thing is coming to a head.

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:34pm

  261. 261: TamNo Gravatar says:

    200..thank you Heart, yes it is the boundaries.
    I have been trying to make scrips in my head around the boundaries….and it’s totally silly because I am not even there yet. I just feel so protective of myself and in the text messages I noted that there was quite a bit of sexy talk and at one point he said something to the effect of him trying so hard and still gets rejected (sexually)…and I just want to be prepared for when that shows up again because I did not handle it very well last time.
    Instead of telling him how I feel I said that I feel rejected by him too….and we got nowhere.
    Oh that all feels so exasperating now, in some ways I wish we were done and dusted (there is the fear again).
    There is the chance that he has found someone else…..in some ways it would be such a good solution!!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:38pm

  262. 262: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – He’s actually being really sweet. I still feel angry and jealous about the FB pic. I know it’s a total over-reaction but it totally triggered my NV..and now it keeps telling me nasty things.
    I feel overloaded…Looking forward to meeting new men though…

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:41pm

  263. 263: TamNo Gravatar says:

    262…Heart, I also get triggered by fb a lot. I now use it to trigger myself deliberately and show me what is going on within me. It gets easier every time a trigger, such as a photo or a posting, comes up.
    Yay to meeting new men!!!
    Me too, mee too…..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:43pm

  264. 264: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    257 tam I feel excited and happy reading your post especially about cubanCD …..aww I want one of those !!! I feel jealous in a playful way Hee Hee Cuban sounds fun!!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:49pm

  265. 265: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – Yes, I really want to know Why we get so Triggered by these things…Is it feeling not good enough..is it lost of control…The anger is strong (with regards to Fb..which I find so strange) and its difficult for me to sink…The most I get is: I feel disrespected.

    I’m going to do what u do and purposely trigger myself (after the weekend)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:51pm

  266. 266: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    263 I feel triggered when I see baby/family/wedding stuff on fb
    OMG Emerson you even roll your eyes don’t you! Yess..but why do I do that??
    Hmm those are all good things ..soooo are you jealous in a non-playful way??

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:52pm

  267. 267: TamNo Gravatar says:

    264 Emerson, everybody in SoFla is Cuban or half-Cuban…..you should move! ;)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:52pm

  268. 268: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    267 I love Florida …I find it intriguing

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:54pm

  269. 269: TamNo Gravatar says:

    265 Heart, it must be not feeling good enough. in my case it is often ‘feeling left out’, like the kids are playing and I am not there….and they are having fun without me. How dare they!!!!
    Seriously, when I saw the pics of MrP boating with my friends I got so angry, and then I got even angrier when this girl befriended him and all his friends (well, some)….and I had purposely not done that and thought: ‘aaargh, she is leaning forward’…’I am not leaning forward’ (clenched teeth).
    Oh. Now I feel virtuous and mysterious….like I have my own life and remain a fb mystery to MrP and friends…..ha!!

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:55pm

  270. 270: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Aww Clint Eastwood was speaking on tv and was great…I feel soft toward him as I was shocked by his appearance…he has gotten old ….but still looks great. God bless him
    ((Clint Eastwood))

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:56pm

  271. 271: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I have not heard from textCD in a few days maybe he met a new muse :-( I miss his messages but I do NoT want a texterrrrrr alllll the time. Real life buddy. Maybe I pushed him away…..

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:58pm

  272. 272: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Clint Eastwood…another man’s man…Marlboro man. Oh I do like those, to my own detriment ;)

    Thursday, 30 August 2012 @ 11:58pm

  273. 273: TamNo Gravatar says:

    268..Emerson, it is intriguing and ever so shallow…it is difficult to find ‘real’ people there. But they do exist :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:02am

  274. 274: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I turned in some paperwork for a new job 2 days ago and I just now realized that I may have handed confidential info to one of the managers to give to HR with my pay rate etc. now I’m stressing about it big time but at the moment it didn’t even dawn on me that she would care to read it or ??!

    Just don’t want to start any drama or jealousy before the job even starts.

    I choose to go with my gut feeling and at the moment I handed it to her I did not question it so it is going to be okay.

    I get very stressed / obsessed when I worry about something but I choose not to do that tonight!!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:06am

  275. 275: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve had a hard week so my mind was kind of all over the place. I wasn’t thinking I had to “worry” about that like its not a secret but now I feel scared and annoyed with myself that I was not looking out for myself better to protect my privacy

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:08am

  276. 276: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    273 I’ve only been to northern FL ! Farthest south I went was Daytona beach… Loved it

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:10am

  277. 277: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I choose to believe that people are working in my favor and with integrity …with only the best outcomes and intentions.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:12am

  278. 278: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Marco Rubio is pretty handsome!!! he’s a Florida senator talking on tv :-)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:14am

  279. 279: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I also find Allen West sexy

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:14am

  280. 280: TamNo Gravatar says:

    he he… there are soooooo many beautiful men in South Florida!! Also beautiful women too, but a lot of them look like they have the same plastic surgeon..
    ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:28am

  281. 281: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m scared and feeling helpless

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:38am

  282. 282: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – I’ll say it again: Facebook is Ruining Us all..

    I don’t think we’re meant to see the things Men we’re dating do in their spare time. It’s awkward…It’s like watching them date another girl in your presence or something.

    I not going to be Facebook friends with any guy I’m seeing…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:38am

  283. 283: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    207 Dominique

    thank you for your words, and yes, I will try my best to stop even the seemingly inocuous put down jokes as i said in an earlier post

    Re the age thing
    Running is one of those things that does seem to tramscend age

    I know many women who began running in their forties and are very fast runners now.
    Lots of us are not fast but we all support each other in the running
    I am pretty sure that the average age of my running club, the 100 marathon club is well over fifty.These are people who run marathons week in week out
    It feels fantastic

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:40am

  284. 284: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    203 Annie

    50 shades of grey

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:48am

  285. 285: TamNo Gravatar says:

    282 – Heart, it very much works the other way also.
    I know I got spied on – my ex bf always spied on me on fb, and would comment on stuff that he could not have known otherwise.
    MrP soooo spies on me, so much so that every time I used to change my profile pic with a Florida shot, a few days later I would receive an email asking if I was ‘in town’. He also got very jealous when he saw pics of me dancing salsa with a male friend. he fired a really nasty comment, like ‘no surprise you found someone else, I am going to let you go now’.
    So they get triggered too…hehehehehe!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:51am

  286. 286: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Emerson)))) – this too shall pass!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:54am

  287. 287: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know a good website for helping anxiety

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:58am

  288. 288: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank u tam

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:59am

  289. 289: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious about Lizka and what happened with ATW

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:00am

  290. 290: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Morning sirens.

    I’m feeling so sluggish and having problems getting motivated. I sleep VERY well, probably only once a week do I wake in the night. Can you have too much sleep? I’ve read a lot about sleep cycles so I try to wake up at the right part and not set my alarm to shake me out of deep sleep. But I still can’t seem to shift myself.
    I have a lot of work to do but I’ve been working from home. I work better when I feel pressure. Not totally free over what I get done when as long as it’s done by the deadline. Deadlines coming up and I feel I’ve wasted so much time. I feel rushed to complete it now. But still I don’t want to do it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:03am

  291. 291: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    It feels an effort to wash up. It feels an effort to clean the house. It feels an effort to put my clothes away. Yet I know I feel so much better in a tidy house.

    Come on smile, shift your bootie!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:07am

  292. 292: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, salsa dancing sounds fun. Lots of sexy wiggling!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:08am

  293. 293: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.

    when he saw pics of me dancing salsa with a male friend. he fired a really nasty comment, like ‘no surprise you found someone else, I am going to let you go now’.

    I wonder what I would have replied to this? Did you respond?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:10am

  294. 294: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ((emersons anxiety))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:10am

  295. 295: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth 284- I may have to read this for a quick fix lol!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:12am

  296. 296: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, yes, sexy wiggling of bum. Yes!! ;)

    I feel a lot like you, like everything is a huge effort right now, as a matter of fact I have a big pile of washed clothes sitting in a corner waiting to be put away….but the productive days will come again too.

    I am kind of having one today, done 2 hours of work, cleaned a bit and had a healthy breakfast. Feeling pretty virtuous, because all week I have been pretty lazy, but then I was sick also….

    Cut yourself some slack Smile! :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:12am

  297. 297: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, yes I’m moving back home to a much bigger area but also one of higher quality men. As in less deprivation in the area.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:13am

  298. 298: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks tam,
    Cutting myself slack would feel good
    I don’t consider myself lazy, far from it. I’m one of the busiest people I know. Guess I need down time too. . I will be more motivated when I’m back in work Monday with set times. Just trying to recognise my feelings.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:17am

  299. 299: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #285 – Tam – that’s so true! My FB page must trigger CuddlyGrinch et al as well… my ex tried to Add my as an FB friend 2 weeks ago….That’s the third request he has sent.
    Ohmygod did Mr. P really write that? That is Soooo Funny. What did you do?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:31am

  300. 300: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m starting to feel a little panic…I feel out of balance.

    I was on a date yesterday with a man who write very warm, personal and nice letters. I was the one who wrote the first letter. And we have been light talked about meeting, so some days ago he asked me straight out if I wanted to meet him yesterday.

    The same day he sent me a photo of his face – wich I hadnt seen; and the man looked very good; wich made me feel even more nervous.

    He was on time, Looked into my eyes smiled and was allmost speakless..so was I since he had to most amazing eyes, and was more good looking then on his photo – so I was totelly feeling out of balance and very insecure.

    We bought someting light to eat…and hmm and things just happend so I got to pay for my own food: a combination of me not ordering first and the waitrest was just fokus on one customer at a time; a more experince waitress can see when ppl are in company and take up orders from both at the same time.

    We talked a lot, me used feeling as much as I could remember…was leaning back, smiling. Was a lot af laugh and I smiled so much my month hurt when I got home. Anyway we was standing out in the rain and talking and I could feel I had tangle my hair in to my umbrella, so I had to ask him for help to save my tangled hair.

    I also asked him about the time, since I had my last bus home to watch, so after that he kept keeping track of the time for me, not to often, but enough so I did feel very taken care of. When it started to get close to when my bus was leaving he just said “I can follow you to the bus” I smiled and said “Thanks” – he smiled even bigger.

    At the bus, he kept looking deep into my eyes and he notice I had a spot of white color in my hair from after helping mother paint something – he made a comment of the white color in my hair, smiling and looking into my eyes.

    When it was the time for the bus to leave he just said: “Can i get a hug?”…or was he saying “Arleast I can get a hug?”…hmm I cant really remember – anyway, he was the one mention getting a hug – so I gave him a hug. He smiled and said “We talk later”….and then he left.

    My NV is very nasty right now…I havent heard from him…and dammit, no kiss, no talk about a second date…and to make things worse..he wrote a letter the same day as the date, wich I didnt even bother to open, since I thought we was going to meet, now I have open it and dont know if I should answer it….Gahh help ladies Iäm way over analysing this already and I feel so taken out of balance since he was so darn charming…ohh and he is a young man; 25 years.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:48am

  301. 301: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Jenny, relax, keep going about your day, lean back and take care of you. Sounds like the first date went well so I’m sure in time he will make arrangements to see you again 

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:00am

  302. 302: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm and what about the letter he wrote the same day, that I now have read – shall I answer it? It is an mail conversation we have had for long, right now it is about icedream, berries, painting, helping over moms and photo techincs…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:03am

  303. 303: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Jenny
    I agree with Smile

    Just get on with your day adn dont do anything else

    hm, I feel sooooooo yucky today

    Not entirely surprised about that but still

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:10am

  304. 304: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Morning sirens!

    Talking of age I remember one of the younger sirens bemoaning that she felt over the hill at 27. I had to laugh at that! :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:15am

  305. 305: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Well I triggered myself and sank into my emotions…
    I feel territorial, I feel jealous, I feel angry, I feel disrespected….
    under it all was: I feel unloved, I feel uncared for…

    So this is the Root feeling under all the anger and disrespect…
    Wow…how I can feel that way when I don’t really know this guy or expect him to love me..
    Will explore it some more…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:16am

  306. 306: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – Roris advice is actually to not be facebook friends with guys were seeing! I don’t either, I’d feel too triggered , not in a way that feels helpful to me the way blog process does.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:22am

  307. 307: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – Yes, this Facebook triggering is kind if Brutal and doesn’t feel Helpful. I’ll make sure not to be FB friends with a guy I’m seeing In the future. And if I see CuddlyGrinch agai I’ll tell him I feel triggered by his Fb and ask him for a solution.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:39am

  308. 308: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jenny – I wouldn’t answer it now… Just smile to myself and lean back till he contacts me :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:45am

  309. 309: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile and Heart, the Salsa pics were 1 1/2 years ago, when I thought we were just casual and he clearly thought we had some kind of relationship (I wish he had informed me about it).
    So the salsa pics made him so angry, and to be honest they were a little attempt at getting a reaction out of him. Oh yes, I did!!!
    After he said ‘I’m going to let you go now’, I was surprised and answered that I had no idea that he ‘had me’ to ‘let me go’ and it sparked off a whole lot of negative energy (pre Rori). And suddenly I thought ‘OMG, he thought we had a relationship’…well we skyped every day and so on but as he is a man of few words I thought we were just ‘friends’.
    Sooooo to cut a long story short, it was at the same time as his business kinda collapsed so he was so stressed that he totally clammed up – and I pushed and pushed (urgh). The end result was that we called it a day (whatever ‘it’ was), met a few times but was very painful, he was totally angry and I was in convincer mode. I said a few hurtful things to him…
    Silence for a few weeks. I let him go.

    Then he was back texting, emailing, and as I came back to Florida he took me boating (I can’t believe I even agreed to it because it had been pretty nasty)….that was the incident when he had been sending a text message a day for weeks and caught me on the first day I got to Fl. That was about a year ago and since then we have been doing the little ‘can I trust you?’ dance, with roles reversed, i e he is the initiator, convincer etc.
    Much better but still the dance.

    And in the meantime I had lots of dates, some ‘friends’ and a boyfriend for 6 months.

    Actually, it was the fb salsa pictures that ruined everything early on but now I see it as a good thing because it made me realise how angry and unreasonable he can get when teased- pretty scary.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:46am

  310. 310: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – wow! I feel inspired that you will ask him for a solution! How brave and Goddessy

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:47am

  311. 311: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry for the babble, actually I am in the present not the past. Tam, stay in the present!! :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:49am

  312. 312: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Heart yeah, I wonder what CuddleyGrinch will say…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:10am

  313. 313: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I need some advice, I am thinking of getting the heart connection toolkit, it would feel so good to listen to more advice….is it sufficiently different to the e-book?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:34am

  314. 314: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I feel happy to read that

    Tam – I feel curious about it too…I guess I need to Be Surprised (:

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:35am

  315. 315: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – It was Pre-Rori…Now u know better…
    I think Mr.P sounds a bit like a selfish possessive bastard…who wants you to treat him like a Partner while not wanting to be your partner…

    Omgod…a cat just meowed outside…such a cute sweet sound.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:48am

  316. 316: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    I am drowning in a sea of men who make contact but dont follow up..

    ..one who is texting not calling

    ..one who feels a “deep surprising connection” after one call but isnt calling again.

    ..two who are emailing and ignoring the number i attached to their last mails.

    I feel disappointed .

    One called alphaman -something -or -other sends the initial flirt line “send me an email and I’ll buy you the first coffee”. (one of the sites options)

    I dont like sites that offer this as a contact option. i am surprised and disappointed at how many men use this option..that is sink back into the feminine mode ..currently running at two out of three approaches!!!! I usually answer it with ‘ i am looking forward to your email” , but they flake .

    Part of my mind feels worried that these guys are actually the new wave of men, NOT into chasing , waiting for the woman’s approach ,looking for her to do the relationship work and row the boat.

    Are others finding this? It makes me feel panicky and unsure.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:49am

  317. 317: TamNo Gravatar says:

    315 – Heart, very accurate observation. I believe that was one of the things I threw at him, during my fit of rage…. ;)
    It’s a case of having one’s cake and eating it, well that ain’t happening. :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:54am

  318. 318: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity…sounds like the weird and wonderful world of internet dating…oh yes, others are finding this!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:55am

  319. 319: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    316: Sirenity – Yup, find the same.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:59am

  320. 320: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity – no those men just have low interest. Men that are into you will pursue you. Those guys are attracted to you but not enough to pursue you.
    Don’t bother to over-analyse these men (save all your crazy for Men who really like you….hahaha…Joking). Who knows why they lost interest – they thought u were easy, they have a girlfriend/wife, they became gay overnight…Who knows…

    Maybe you’re giving off leaning forward energy…the fact that your questioning whether to lean forward or not could mean that your boundaries are not strong. Maybe they sense this in your vibe…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:00am

  321. 321: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam
    I have got the Heart Connection toolkit

    I feel weird saying this on the blog, but I have to say that I think Reconnect and Modern Siren are much more full of advice and scripts

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:01am

  322. 322: TamNo Gravatar says:

    321 Thank you Ruth!! I shall look into it…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:02am

  323. 323: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity – that happens to me too…but it’s not a big deal. I just disregard men like that… Don’t lean forward. Let that ship sail on by…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:04am

  324. 324: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ..I was looking for an all-round program that I can still afford…hmmmm….not sure which one…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:06am

  325. 325: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Most people praise Commitment Blueprint as the best with the most info. LoveScripts is the newest but check out the catalog

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:27am

  326. 326: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW, I have been meaning to get the blueprint but need to save for that :/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:29am

  327. 327: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies. i feel no interest in leaning forward at all. I just feel sadness that they arent truly interested !

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:38am

  328. 328: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Good Mornin’

    Siren Angel… I am trying to be open.. Actually I just raised my cut off age to 58 and now he is 61 but posted he was 58 hmmm. I feel that this ties into my last relationship. It only worked because I invested, compromised, accepted things that were not good for me. 61 Does not feel good for me, I feel it is a continuation of me doing more compromising, However, I will meet him, it is not like I am accepting a marriage proposal or anything.

    I am really trying to understand my feelings and not going to dismiss them or bury them. I dont want to feel shut down anymore in life. SOmetimes a man does that to me… sometimes it is myself and old patterns of behavior… I have made a committment to my feminine energy to not shut it out again.

    Maybe life will surprise me though. Thank you for planting the possibility.

    hugs

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:40am

  329. 329: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    mmmm is eating a kitkat and feeling so mmmm

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:57am

  330. 330: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity … I have had lots of this too. I used to feel sad that they were not really interested. I dont take it personally anymore though. Yes it disappointing. I have begun to view the websites as a tool or vehicle like a big box of single people is all. There seems to be a”shopping”attitude on the websites and since people (men too) are lonely and it feel annonomous…. the contact style and level is what it is. They just circle around us nibble a bit just to fill some sort of void is what I have concluded.

    DOes feel bothersome, but it is what it is I guess.

    They are just big boxes of single people.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:06am

  331. 331: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Serenity,

    I am finding that too with online dating. I think when you find someone ‘right’ you will just click, and you will feel confident that they are ‘into’ you.

    I only starting online dating a few years ago and I am well into my 30′s. I was amazed at how ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ some of these men were. In fact a made quite a few good friends – no romance though – and actually the friendships fizzled because it didn’t feel quite right knowing that they wanted romance. But genuinely nice people and ones I hadn’t even thought of pursuing.

    I think I’m a bit battle hardy to it all now though :(

    Now when I online date I wonder if I have a bit of a negative vibe because I’m bored with all the small talk.

    How are you?
    How was your weekend?
    What do you think of the dating site?
    What do you do?
    What are your interests?

    Yikes, I really find it difficult to know what to say. Plus I over analyse when I write and I find it really difficult to write naturally…

    Hmmm… we are all learning I guess.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:18am

  332. 332: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, what you are writing regarding online dating is true for me too. Plus I dabble in it, never get too excited until I meet the men.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:21am

  333. 333: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Oo tam, ex of 2 years just texts. I feel special that he’s still thinking bout me.

    I feel relaxed. I’m not letting the excitement take over. I’m feeling in the moment. But it did make me feel lit up from my head to my toes.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:23am

  334. 334: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile…hahaaaa!! You see – I knew it! La la la!! ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:32am

  335. 335: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    wow….Yay smile !

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:33am

  336. 336: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Weird, a guy, who I barely know and went on one date with about 4 years ago, emailed me yesterday and asked me if I was doing anything for Christmas and if I wasn’t did I want to spend it with him?!

    Okay, it was more of a holiday romance type thing as he teaches abroad and is originally from Canada – but it did make me smile that he was still thinking of me after so long… curious…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:34am

  337. 337: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    I am here because I need to be working on “having the relationship I want” with myself first. Ive always suffered from low value/low self esteem and masculine energy. I’ve done everything wrong, initiated contact, leaned forward, chased, pursued, tried to control, etc ad nauseum.
    So I want to take care of me first and learn to love myself, as I cannot have that relationship with another soul until I’m fixed.
    I have no aspirations for marriage or co-habitation at this point, been there, done that, got the scars inside to prove it.
    I want to be adored, cherished, taken care of and loved fully and completely. No hurry, cuz honestly, I still am very young.
    I just have to learn to stop trying to control anyone other than myself and my actions.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:49am

  338. 338: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sassy..you’re on the right track!! :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:58am

  339. 339: TamNo Gravatar says:

    men are cute. you don’t hear from them in weeks and then all of a sudden everything has to be a great rush.

    I just had 2 CD’s inbox me, minutes from each other, asking me when I will be in Florida. When I replied, both wrote back ‘hurry up’ almost instantly.
    I was laughing a lot, hadn’t hear from either in a couple of weeks….

    It’s like they are buzzing over my head like planes in a holding pattern, only checking in with the tower every now and then when it’s time to land…on my landing strip…hahaha…oh funny. Well, at least I can keep myself amused.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:01am

  340. 340: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Sassy))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:02am

  341. 341: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He broke up with me. Again.

    We were supposed to go away this weekend to Lake Placid.

    Said he loves me, is terribly attracted to me, feels so connected to me, but that his kids don’t want me around.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:03am

  342. 342: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am still wearing the promise ring he gave me, just 1 month ago, on my left hand, wedding finger.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:04am

  343. 343: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhhhh ((((((Siren Angel)))))

    If he loves you, and you love him I’m sure it will work out, give it time.. Can you?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:06am

  344. 344: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel, if he is ready to break up because his kids ‘don’t like you around’, that shows his unwillingness to have a real relationship in my opinion. Just my 2 cents.
    Do you want to be at the mercy of an 11 year old?
    I certainly wouldn’t.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:10am

  345. 345: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ooops, that sounds very harsh..what I meant to say is that you deserve a man who is 100% behind you and really loves and cares for you enough to make his kids understand and accept you. And is willing to work at that.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:12am

  346. 346: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,

    I know you feel hurt and confused, but honestly honey, he is showing you his true colors. It would be no different in your marriage, other than you wouldn’t have your own home/refuge to go back to.
    So so sorry.
    Much love

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:24am

  347. 347: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    257 tam

    I don’t know if anyone has said this yet because I jumped on commenting before reading further…But one of the side effects of using these tools is becoming a safe place for men to share their feelings.

    Get used it! hehe :)

    Time to learn what level of openness you desire in a man ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:28am

  348. 348: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel:

    IMO, you deserve better.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:30am

  349. 349: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    i feel pain in my chest and my tummy. Feels tight and sad and painful. I feel frustrated because I can’t tell if it’s physical, emotional, or both.

    It would feel so good to escape into the woods.

    The air felt so still and so perfect this morning. Like the world was at peace.

    I feel so sad still. I feel so sleepy.
    It would feel so good to…I don’t know.
    I don’t know what would feel good.

    It would feel good to rub my stomach.
    There, that already feels better.
    It feels good to sit still, to quiet my thoughts, to feel my body.

    This sadness feels overwhelming.
    It’s coming from deep inside somewhere.
    It’s in my stomach in my chest, now it’s in my head, flowing out of my eyes.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:32am

  350. 350: TamNo Gravatar says:

    347 – Miss Stix, yes, you are right…..I must confess in a man I haven’t even met yet it feels pretty weird to have that openness….whereas with others I’d be grateful if they opened up a little. But yes, generally I did feel a little put out by an email strewn with feeling messages, I kinda thought ‘jeepers, the guy is better at it than me!!’.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:40am

  351. 351: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    siren angel, it sounds like this man is really struggling with all the relationships in his life right now… it would sound good to me to just let him drift away until his divorce is finalized & he & his kids have re-established some modicum of stability together…. (((((Siren Angel)))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:41am

  352. 352: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel in agreement with Sassy Siren Angel.
    Best to find out now.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:49am

  353. 353: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    And Laughing Goddess

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:49am

  354. 354: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Tam

    I would think the same. Plus…I really enjoy the opening up process! It’s exciting and nerve tingling. Like discovering something new each day. I would be totally put off if a man just plunged right in right away. Too much!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:51am

  355. 355: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Sirens.

    I somewhat feel this may all have to do with the promise ring and a fear of commitment. He may be using his kids as an excuse. We started having issues again right after he gave me the promise ring.

    I also know that he married his ex-wife when she was pregnant with now 11 yr old. I don’t believe he would have gone through with it otherwise.

    This is the 3rd breakup in one and a half years (every 6 months it seems). And it always when there is a big commitment looming. Before last x-mas vacation, we had looked at a house together to rent. He backtracked when we had problems on x-mas vacation.

    I am feeling that the problems may come from my insecurity as he always severely withdraws after a commitment promise… and the kids feel it and play on it… and the downpour starts then.

    Does this make sense?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:10am

  356. 356: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Siren Angel))))

    What a hurtful thing to have to hear :(

    I believe you will thrive on your own, with your son.

    I saw a photo of you on fb…It really touched me. You were squatting down with a baby boy petting a sheep through a fence. It is beautiful. I don’t know who the baby boy is (older son, younger?) Just so beautiful…When I saw it I thought “any man would be off his rocker not to utterly cherish this woman.”

    I don’t want to see any woman drown in a river of toxicity.

    I see what you write about the children and honestly…I don’t believe that is even YOU talking. It is fear and pain and desperation talking. I know others have stated worry over how you speak of the children. They put it on you. Yes it is on you, but I see it differently. My senses tell me the authentic you would never judge a child!

    When I was in a toxic situation I said things and acted in ways that make me feel ill looking back. But that was not me. It was poisonous. It muddled me all up.

    I do not want to imagine what it would feel like to hear “the kids don’t want you around.” Aweful. Even if you sensed it already.

    Babe, you are gorgeous! And kind, loving, warm, inviting, willing to work and grow.

    I don’t know what else to say I just…Feel desperate to help you remember you are love and safety.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:12am

  357. 357: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((FLOWERCHILD)))))))))

    Sirens, I have just read on FB Siren Island page that Flowerchild’s oldest son was in a terrible car accident and is in critical condition. Please send her and her son all the best wishes and thoughts you can today.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:12am

  358. 358: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you MissStix, that feels so good to hear right now.

    The child in the picture is my now 7 year old. He was about 2 on that picture.

    I know I sound angry at the kids and some Sirens dissaprove, but I am feeling overwhelmed and may not express myself correctly during this time. Thank you for understanding MissStix.

    Thank you.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:15am

  359. 359: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel, it makes total sense.

    He might just need time, and he might just not be your man.

    It must be so exhausting to ‘break up and make up’ and once you have this pattern, it seems impossible to get out of it, as it’s like a cycle…after a break-up you move closer, get back together, and as you get really close there comes the break-up out of fear. I know this pattern very well in my own life and it’s very far from what a stable relationship looks like, where problems get worked out before breaking up is seen as an option.

    This could go on forever, you know?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:17am

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I agree with blooming. Give compassion to yourself so you can find it in you to feel compassion for them. I agree with Tam and others regarding the “right” thinking and the “right” path but paving the way to yourself through compassion is a gentle road for your Mr. Right to walk on.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:17am

  361. 361: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh!

    (((((flowerchild)))))

    Sending my deepest and warmest hopes and wishes for pulling through and healing.

    ((((flowerchilds son)))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:17am

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    OMG (((((((((((Flowerchild) I am praying for him

    Thanks for the advice Siren Angel

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:19am

  363. 363: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((((Flowerchild)))) life just seems unfair sometimes, really, hoping all turns out well for her and her boy.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:21am

  364. 364: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Nicely said FW…in truth, although I don’t sound like it often, I have recently come to the conclusion that compassion is the best path in almost all circumstances, with almost everybody…not just for them but also for oneself. It’s just so much more relaxing than anger or sadness (although they are valid feelings too).
    Compassion feels like stroking one’s own head and goind ‘there, there’ – all will be fine’.
    And I believe all will be fine. Whatever that looks like.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:24am

  365. 365: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 355 Siren Angel it makes a lot of sense. The thing though is that you are not cdating. He knows he is the only one in the picture and puts the relationship on trial based on his doubts. I feel for him and you both. Trust me I am not judging you. I just believe that if you do it Rori’s way of taking care of you first, things could change.

    I love what Tam says about the break up and make up pattern. You have identified its timeline so you are empowered to break it. Even if it is with another man, it might show up again.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:28am

  366. 366: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilibee I hope your vacation and alone time turned out well

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:32am

  367. 367: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel you don’t sound angry at the kids. You just sound a bit confused and laser focussed on their behavior and words. As if you need to step back a little to get a clear picture.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:35am

  368. 368: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sadness.

    I want to feel compassion like tam says. I feel that too.

    I feel ill and angry and sad when I think about a child learning a lesson…It is ok. If you don’t like someone you can be mean to them and they will go away.

    Where is the compassion in this lesson? Where is the positive growth? Yes, children need to be listened to, and validated. But they also need to be spoken to, and guided. They need to be taught that there are people in this world we may not like, or want to have around, but we need to show those people love, kindess and acceptance. Everyone can thrive in an environment promoting those things.

    I feel sad and desperate to read of flowerchilds son. I think of my cousins son. Hit by a truck in april. He pulled through. Him and his mom are closer than ever. Things can go bad and come out good. I want to send my strongest healing vibes to flowerchild and her family! They are in my heart.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:38am

  369. 369: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Let him go to Lake Placid and hopefully learn the hard way that the kinds can’t give him with a caring, loving woman can. Sometimes the space, the thinking and the missing can teach a much better lesson than all our talking and presence can.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:39am

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    typo the hard way that the “kids”

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:40am

  371. 371: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Prayers from me too for flowerchild and her son

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:40am

  372. 372: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    MissStix they need to learn those lessons but maybe this experience or another is not where they will learn it. As a matter of fact I believe they have already learned them. They might just be resisting the facts.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:43am

  373. 373: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh almost forgot, Lizka soooo happy to see you back!!!
    And I absolutely do not look, feel or act my age!!! Hehe, good genes. I detest when someone my age or in the general vicinity says they’ve had a “senior moment”. WTH, everyone forgets something at one time or another.
    I feel strongly that we should never stop learning or building or experimenting.
    With respect to my process and my previous post, finding and “feeling” my feelings is all new to me, and it’s slow going, but it is happening and that makes me feel happy and giddy!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:47am

  374. 374: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Flowerchild! My thoughts, prayers and love are being sent your way. We are all here for you in whatever way you need.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:55am

  375. 375: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs Siren Angel.

    Even if he hadn’t broken up with you would you want a committed relationship with this man as he is right now?
    A man who allows his kids to hurt you kids with no proper boundaries, plan and solution to your conflict in place?

    If he said he wanted you you would go back to rinse and repeat cycle. So would you stay or walk if you got back together and he stayed and he didn’t step up.

    Are you cding? Or had he got you all to himself just with the promise ring and no real engagement ring and wedding date set?
    Would you realty want to marry him just as he is now?
    Would this be the life and man you wanted just as he is now?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:57am

  376. 376: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Healing wishes for flowechild and her son.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:59am

  377. 377: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    annie,

    i notice i’m experiencing your questions in a very heavy, way…. it feels like two hands on top of my shoulders pushing me “back down into my seat”… & even being hit on the head – “don’t move”

    i feel curious if you are angry at a specific man?

    i’m sorry if you experience this as “intrusive” – i would like to connect with you & understand. what do you think?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:01am

  378. 378: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Have you a link to siren island page?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:03am

  379. 379: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Blooming.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:04am

  380. 380: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    That feels an interesting question
    I don’t believe I am angry at a specific man no.
    No it doesn’t feel intrusive.

    I do feel a bit peed off angry in general today but not over any man.
    Felt unheard earlier in a couple of situations where people had not done what i specifically requested and another couple of incidences.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:08am

  381. 381: TamNo Gravatar says:

    375 and 377 – Annie and Blooming…actually, I feel Annies words as tough love, not so much repressing and/or anger at a specific man. More anger or assertiveness about the situation of someone being treated less than we like our fellow sirens be treated..maybe?

    Funny how the same words can evoke different feelings. Yes, they seem harsh, but reading them also kind of oozes comfort in the way that someone who is worried about you, gives you a little lesson.

    Oh Boy, sometimes I need that lesson, and feel better when hearing it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:09am

  382. 382: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Sent a fax to someone about sending some items to it as they requested with permission for them to charge my card next day delivery as wanted the items ASAP. two weeks later I find out they only just sent item today trying to be nice and not charge me to give me free delivery grrr and want get my items until wed. Not a happy bunny.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:10am

  383. 383: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I did feel anger towards Sirens needs not being met yes and her deserving more yes TAM.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:11am

  384. 384: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Annie I experienced something simiarly and used FMs to express my exasperation, shock and disapproval that they had actually charge my card without shipping to products after a week. I got some additional products as a result.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:12am

  385. 385: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    (((Flowerchild)))

    Sending so much love your way.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:15am

  386. 386: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    And then a couple of other situations today, taking up my time to sort out being given misinformation and then everyone expects me to solve it when it is their job.
    My choices are either then to go ahead and solve it or it, or leave it as it is and my eldest get in grief and be late starting back to college.
    Just feel fed up at times. I know he is my child so my responsibility and people make mistakes. But they make them often and it feel wearing having to constantly check up and fix things.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:16am

  387. 387: TamNo Gravatar says:

    384 – well FW isn’t that a nice metaphor?!

    I see the ‘extra products’ as the ‘extras’ we get from men or generally people around us when we use FM’s…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:16am

  388. 388: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It’s the inquisitor showing. I have that too.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:16am

  389. 389: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Praying for you, Flowerchild!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:17am

  390. 390: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    384: Femininewoman says

    “Annie I experienced something simiarly and used FMs to express my exasperation, shock and disapproval that they had actually charge my card without shipping to products after a week. I got some additional products as a result.”

    :) How nice, feel pleased you got treated well to make up for it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:18am

  391. 391: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I guess we interpret words differently at different times
    Tough love can feel helpful on one day, and yet on another feel harsh,and just too painful to hear/bear

    And I will say it again, there is so much more potential for misunderstanding when you cant pick up the non verbal stuff

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:20am

  392. 392: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I did say i felt disappointed and sad that I still hadn’t got my stuff and like I had wasted my time sending a fax which stated quite clearly what I wanted.

    Just got a load of excuses and ” I’m sorry you feel sad about it. OMG I felt so triggered by someone saying they felt sorry for my sadness. This did not help one little bit. I felt totally dismissed and said. ” I don;t want anyone to feel sorry for my feelings thank you. And now I feel angry and put the phone down.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:21am

  393. 393: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Tam, & Annie, i feel an “aha” that anger can feel loving & supportive…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:21am

  394. 394: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @369,

    This was a special weekend just for M and myself. We both don’t have the kids this weekend. Which makes this feel particularly painful because it is our alone time that he is cancelling.

    I said I respected his thoughts and wishes but that it would feel so good to talk about this over the weekend and reconnect. To which he said the problem is not in our connection, that we are very connected. That it’s because the kids have ganged up on me and do not wish to see me anymore. He said that on Monday night 11 yr old all of a sudden wanted alone time with his dad and asked when that would happen. And as we are getting our kids back NEXT weekend, he told him it would be with us. Then 11 yr old said no, I want to spend more time alone with you. That started a discussion in which apparently 11 yr old ‘sad’ and said he doesnt want me around.

    Also, when I ask M about the words his kids specifically used, it seems like M makes it worse, which makes me feel like he is using this as an excuse to backtrack on our commitment.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:22am

  395. 395: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh dear, I feel hormonal. Full moon. I had best lock myself away :D

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:24am

  396. 396: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs Siren Angel.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:27am

  397. 397: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie,

    There would have to be adjustments. Repeating this feels too scary… What if they don’t like me again, even if we ‘make up’, in another 6 mths, 2 years, 5 years? After we are married and living together?

    Also, he has the tendency, and has done in the past, is to reactivate his online profile immediately. This feels too scary for me and he knows this as we have had that discussion last time.

    I am not sure I want, or even could, go down the commitment path with him again.

    I agree, I should have been CDing, but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’. He said it made him feel threatened.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:27am

  398. 398: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel have you ever said the “kids ganged up on you” to M?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:29am

  399. 399: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I need to heal. Then I will CD.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:29am

  400. 400: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @398,

    M used the words ‘the kids have ganged up on you. They don’t accept you anymore. I think it is not fixable at this point’.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:30am

  401. 401: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t suppose any of us really want to share our loved ones attention.
    What do you think?

    Gosh I remember my eldest standing inbetween me and other adults to do his best to stop me talking to them Crikey.
    And it feels really bad to me if my man gives any other woman attention. It feels good if he gives my children attention but not other woman.noooooo. ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:30am

  402. 402: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    So, tonight is the blue moon, huh? Okay. I wonder what that means for me. People usually get a bit “nutsy” around the full moon. I can be no exception sometimes.

    And it feels strangely synchronous, being that I am expecting my period to come tomorrow. I had two offers from men to hang out with me this weekend. One was SYG – he was just talking crap, I believe. Well, not crap, exactly. He was talking fantasy. He wanted to go up and have a weekend by the lake. That’s what I want, too!! But then, of course, everything devolved with him…

    You know, I actually don’t think I got ahead of myself there. I think he did. He was “driving” the train, and he just got a little “oversteamed,” and then he had to pull it back. But it was too far, too fast for me. I am still moving forward. And without him.

    My only regret, as far as he is concerned, is that I didn’t just make him leave my house, the minute after he said, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” He literally grabbed me and pulled me back into bed. All I wanted to do was to get away. And I made him let me get up and take a shower. After that, I only feel upset that I actually sat down and listened to him. Because it was all a big tease. I regret that I gave him even five minutes more of my time. He didn’t deserve it. Because he’d already told me everything I needed to hear…Blech.

    Anyway. I am on to bigger and better things now….

    More CDs, more men in my life. More big changes. This is a very big time of change for me. I think I may want to move house, and I’m not really exactly sure how I’m going to accomplish that. I don’t have money saved up for a deposit. I just have a goal in mind of where I want to be….

    And I’m doing my best not to feel sad or bitter that I’m not doing anything this weekend. I took the time off for myself, not for anyone else. And truly, if I get my period, I know I will feel grateful to be sitting around, doing practically nothing. Lol. I really need that. And I’m giving myself five full days to do that, because my body is just sooo tired.

    And maybe I’ll have more time to check in and hang out on the blog :-)

    Happy Friday!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:31am

  403. 403: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’.

    This is horse!crap without a commitment. That really he can’t give until he is divorced. He knows that. He is showing you where your dormatty feelings are. Hope you are paying attention to take care of them.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:32am

  404. 404: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    It is interesting how people can interpret words differently. I didn’t feel triggered by Annie’s approach at all.

    At first, I had hope that things would work out, but at this point, my thought is that SA has owned her part and made some changes and I don’t see him doing the same.

    I personally think that he might need to experience what he is missing, before he has the motivation to change. As FW said, his kids cannot replace a loving woman in his life. I also doubt that the situation would be any better with another women. I don’t think it’s about SA personally, but rather him and his kids finding balance after a divorce and I do feel compassion for that.

    If I was in the situation, I think I would majorly step back and put all of my focus on me, my son, and my fabulous life.

    I know that is easier said then done, and there might be moments of sadness. I imagine that it also might feel really relieving to remove one’s self from what seems like a draining dynamic.

    (((siren angel)))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:32am

  405. 405: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I realized he used those words but I suspect you might have at one point in your discussions and now he is reflecting it back as an excuse?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:34am

  406. 406: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SSA I say that because in essence he would be agreeing with you now rather that suggesting that it is not true. It seems in the past he did not see them doing that and that you were overreacting.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:35am

  407. 407: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    397: Siren Angel says:

    “Annie,

    There would have to be adjustments. Repeating this feels too scary… What if they don’t like me again, even if we ‘make up’, in another 6 mths, 2 years, 5 years? After we are married and living together?

    Also, he has the tendency, and has done in the past, is to reactivate his online profile immediately. This feels too scary for me and he knows this as we have had that discussion last time.

    I am not sure I want, or even could, go down the commitment path with him again.

    I agree, I should have been CDing, but he made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate it. He did not like my comments about ‘keeping my options open because I want to marry’. He said it made him feel threatened.”

    Hugs, it would feel good to hear Dominiques or Roris view on this ” it made him feel threatened.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:36am

  408. 408: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I totally agree that with another woman nothing is likely to change. If anything it would be worse because now the kids have more power, plus he would see the pattern clearer.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:38am

  409. 409: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Or femininewoman if she remembers any past threads about this.

    I remember one vaguely along the lines as they try this on.
    And they are supposed to feel threatened aren’t they?
    Isn’t that the whole point that they feel threatened they might lose you to someone else and this makes them step up or fall by the wayside to a better man who steps up and wins you?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:38am

  410. 410: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He didn’t feel threatened. He was making a subliminal threat. He knows he only has her to himself after commitment. That is basic manspeak.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:39am

  411. 411: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m remembering something Rori wrote, hopefully someone else will remember the specifics, about how if he says he wants to break up to respond with “I agree” or something like that.

    Anybody else know the article I’m thinking of?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:41am

  412. 412: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I heard it in Reconnect LG.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:42am

  413. 413: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    & for me for some reason still I don’t feel angry at Siren Angel’s man…. & maybe it’s “only” “because” i feel so so sad for a poor man who has his babies & they’re all upset & the mama is upset & everyone is crying – everything is moving & changing & every person is sad & adjusting & so i imagine trying to be a good partner to an “outsider” (just not one of the primary players in the Original Drama) in that situation while still managing the whole Thing “responsibly” & in a masculine adult way would feel like trying to hold a house up in an earthquake. i’m not sure if it’s a human-scale task right now (today) for these people… or, it sounds that way to me. i have very limited experience in the politics of blended families… but i do have memories of the “stepmother” figure being painted by the children in a very negative way. the “feeling” often seems to be that the (often younger) new woman is perceived more as a sibling to be competed with, rather than a mother figure to be loved & respected…. also seems to be the idea that the new woman gets “special treatment” – because the children have never seen their father “in courtship” before, so “gifts” & “dates” & “romantic getaways” are new foreign terrors of scarcity for them……. so i can imagine M feeling exhausted by the divorce proceedings + child drama + relationship drama. he HAS to “pick” the kids. like, there is no other option. it’s sad that he doesn’t know how to “pick” the kids but ALSO “choose relationship” – but that’s not an antagonistic “action” – it’s just a human weak-ness (not necessarily a fundamental flaw; more a spiritual exhaustion). or, that is how i am imagining it. i feel sorry if this feels difficult or triggering to read, particularly since i have zero first-hand understanding of this. i’d feel interested to hear other perspectives. thank you

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:42am

  414. 414: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    413
    Blooming, I feel surprised to hear that you have no experience of this situation
    What you have written feels very astute and compassionate to me

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:48am

  415. 415: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

    And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/commitment/page/3/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:48am

  416. 416: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.

    This thing about him being afraid because he’s been “cheated” on is a BIG thing men say and rely on. In other words — he’s THREATENING you, very subconsciously.”

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:49am

  417. 417: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling a bit strange today. Reflective. My empathy feelings are seeded deep today.

    I need to shift my focus onto myself today. I have many errands to run and i’m gearing up for a wine fueled “s3x talk” with G tonite. (thank you dominique! your words lit a fire under my bum ;D) Normally I would never use alcohol to calm my nerves and open my vocal power up. I practice calming myself and i’m trying to learn to speak freely on my own. But it works and I feel very giddy and nervous to just bring this up (we have a phenomenal s3x life). It feels a bit silly to talk about fitting in MORE and extra. But I think it would feel thrilling and fun and bring us even closer.

    I also want him to know I am open to exploring things he wants to explore. I am fully ready to take things further. The feelings, connection, and sensations are intense when we make love, but the s3x itself is on the vanilla side…With a little cherry on top now and again. I want banana splits and chocolate and whipping cream and sprinkles even a blizzard!

    I feel insatiable in a delectable way. I want it all with G. No one else. I refuse to run the risk of emasculating him by comparing him to another man so mentioning the dream is out.

    I still haven’t fully worked out how I will say it…

    I’m thinking along the lines of…

    “Lately i’ve been thinking it would feel amazing and thrilling if we took our lovemaking a step further…”

    Any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated. I’m not even sure how to describe these feelings I crave. The discomfort, the flush, the rush.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:50am

  418. 418: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    FW: I would feel so elated if you could elaborate on what she says a little more.

    I don’t have reconnect and I’m feeling very curious. I must have read something similar in a blog post but I can’t seem to find it right now.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:52am

  419. 419: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    omg I forgot about the blue moon!!

    Oh this is awesome! :D Great friday to have this talk!

    Electric excitement!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:53am

  420. 420: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe I had shared it about 2 blog posts ago to Siren Angel verbatim about what is in Reconnect.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 9:54am

  421. 421: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I know it is on Disc 3 of Reconnect. Siren Angel I believe you said you had that program?

    Basically it says to agree with him that things have felt awful. Now the the space he is giving is allowing you to see if he is the man you want and that it has the effect of hooking him in.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:00am

  422. 422: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am looking for the comment where I wrote it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:01am

  423. 423: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    “When a man says he feels afraid because he has been cheated on he is threatening you”

    Oh this is a new and alien concept. G has said those exact words to me. I didn’t take it as a threat I just responded with “Yeah I get it, me too.”

    Hmmmm

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:03am

  424. 424: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    The most experience I have with this kind of situation is being the kid.

    My parents divorced when I was really young and my mom definitely influenced us to not like my new stepmom. And in a lot of ways, looking back, I think we might have been kind of mean to her.

    My memory is that my dad was very, very fair. He didn’t take sides. He tried to keep everyone as happy as he could.

    Hmmm, I dunno where I’m going with this.

    I feel a little sad thinking about this.

    It may be a good time to refocus and take care of me!

    Yes, yes, I feel excited thinking of that.

    Food, shower, pick up house, haircut, with lots of fun dispersed throughout.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:04am

  425. 425: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, FW

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:07am

  426. 426: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ‘he knows he only has her after a commitment. that is basic manspeak’.
    Nice to hear that again. And nice to think of that when a man kicks up a fuss or ‘drops lip’ because he realises that he is not your one and only, especially when he has not moved towards commitment.
    Mr P always says he is not a ‘double dater’ and that he doesn’t like it when women keep their options open (it has the ring of promiscuity), but he never seems to make the connection that a commitment would take care of that.
    Personally I think he’s playing dumb, as he’s highly intelligent. I trust that all men know how to ‘claim’ a woman. It’s basic ‘man-speak’ and ‘man-do’, and I guess them not committing and getting triggered at us dating others, is just a case of wanting their cake and eating it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:09am

  427. 427: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ((siren angel))

    ((flower child))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:09am

  428. 428: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    siren angel, for me, if i were you, the most salient & revealing thing he has expressed about his “readiness” for commitment is his Unwillingness / Discomfort with the idea of an “Engagement Ring” “because of” his still-effective Union with his Wife. & i do feel angry writing that. i’d feel better to date men who are officially divorced & who have no woman “at their side” whether it be in body, name, or legal documentation. jane leaves rochester even after meeting his “wife” – it’s an untenable situation for most women to “share the pedestal” in their man’s life. & i’m not suggesting to you that you should feel “jealous” or “competitive” around the mother(s?) of M’s children, only that i understand he is in a difficult position to be cultivating “romance” in his life right now today. i imagine it would feel extremely emasculating to perceive “failure” in the roles of husband (divorce), then boyfriend (break-ups & fights), & now father (kid drama). omg the poor man has barely anything left, as i see it & i can empathize with his refusal to allow anything to put his relationship with his kids in jeopardy, even if he seems to be acting “rashly” (& with a bit less maturity than one might hope, evidenced by siding with the 11 yo & using his “points” as actual topics of discussion with you……….) ((((((((((siren angel))))))))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:10am

  429. 429: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I feel paranoid when I read certain things. Sometimes I see some words as diminishing a mans capacity to feel. I see my man as a living, breathing human with needs, desires, and fears just like me. Some words seem to fuel my old paranoia. I have worked way way way too hard to take men out of that space in my mind. The threatening, selfish, scheming, playing, lying place. Too hard to let some words shift it all around again.

    Sinking in. I need to think on this.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:13am

  430. 430: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When a man has this in his past and tells you about it — he’s telling you that he expects you to be TRUE and LOYAL, and that if you veer from it — by having lunch with another man, he would cross you off his list. That you’d “violate” his needs.

    And this is just, excuse me…okay, I’ll be less colorful here – horsecrap.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/commitment/page/3/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:14am

  431. 431: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    miss stix, i love men & feel grateful for them in the world (((((men))))) i feel moved & inspired & grateful for the women too (((((women)))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:16am

  432. 432: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Annie

    In Commitment Blueprint Rori describes the Ballet Positions of Power. The first position is loving yourself (arms hugging you), the second position is loving and accepting him (arms forward) and the third position is (arms open) allowing him into your heart. It was really beautiful how she describes how to stay open, and I don’t want to misquote her, but her words in that program really fit to answer your question.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:21am

  433. 433: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, the above is in response to your post # 184 :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:22am

  434. 434: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling hot and riled. ok breathe.

    A man can cross me off his list for whatever reason he wants whenever he wants. If he wants to x me I will skip my jolly little a$$ right out his front door.

    Now who’s making threats heh

    I see now I don’t need to be riled. I have buddies and G has no problem with me hanging out with them. They have become his buddies too. I do not have the capacity to be romantic with more than one person at a time. I am not looking for marriage. These words need not apply to me.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:24am

  435. 435: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you bloom-ing!

    ((((to you))))

    ((((to men))))

    We all do our best to get by.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:33am

  436. 436: baby stepsNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sirens,

    Im reading Rori’s ‘How to get the relationship you want’. Throughout the blog, the importance of Feeling words and messages have been emphasized. The closest chapter I can find is chapter 16 on ‘what do I feel’. However there isn’t any examples of full ‘I feel’ statements or sentences.

    Sirens, please help me formulate some examples on how to express myself feelings without being critical of him.

    For example, I am feeling lonely and uncertain as he hasn’t been imitating messages much now that i am in another country for work ( for anout 3 weeks ).His replies are short ( 2 words or 1 word ). We r in an exclusive relationship.

    ‘I feel lonely.’ seems too short…
    ‘I feel lonely cos u haven’t been messaging much’ seems critical
    ‘ I feel lonely and I miss you’ sounds dependent and clingy….

    Thank you!

    PS am I missing something from the book in terms on how to express myself?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:40am

  437. 437: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I like your posts MissStix, and yes, men are feeling creatures too and it’s just our differences that bring up a lot of misunderstandings.
    I also don’t have the capacity to be romantic with more than one man. I don’t even have the capacity to fully take one man out of my mind and CD properly. For me, they are just ‘friends’. But that can change.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:42am

  438. 438: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Eek! I just got home to find the ‘to let’ sign has gone up. I feel an urge to lean forward to text strumming man and tell him.

    Next!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:44am

  439. 439: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @421,

    I had actually started re-listening to Reconnect and Disc 3 is the last one I relistened to last week. And thank you for the reminder.

    I did tell him ‘you are absolutely right, it was awful during our vacation’ and ‘this will give me the space to reconsider my options and what I want in my life’

    But I did not feel or hear the hook… But it may come later.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:52am

  440. 440: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing,

    All wisely said for a young Siren (with no experience with kiddy situations). Yes, I know he is tired and exhausted and his foremost ‘purpose’ is his kids, which he probably does not feel I can support him with anymore (he has often said that if he gets 50/50 custody he would need my help), and he is inhabited by the fear of his ex-wife (whom he agrees influences the kids). All very complex. I do feel compassion for where he is coming from. Yet, I believe he is taking ‘the easy way out’ instead of finding a solution like a good man would do. I know he is a good man and maybe needs reflection time to sort all this out.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:56am

  441. 441: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    About his ex-wife, she did not cheat on him. But he had nor more attraction for her, because he said she was a screaming Biatch% from the beginning of marriage and that it traumatised him. He ended up cheating on her the last few months of their marriage to end it (he says) and because he needed sex but did not want it from her. He has said she was always coming to him, and he would withdraw.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 10:59am

  442. 442: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    It’s funny how I actually feel that I AM re-evaluating if he is the man I want. Of course, I love him. But is he the man I want? Profoundly yes, IF he is able to make that commitment and find a solution with the kids.

    Otherwise, no.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:02am

  443. 443: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    To be perfectly honest, I had mixed emotions about the promise ring.

    It felt like a ‘stall’ ring to me. I had hoped for a real engagement ring.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:04am

  444. 444: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Of course I was happy about getting a beautiful meaningful gift. Yet, in the back of mind, I felt annoyed he hadn’t actually gotten a real engagement ring.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:05am

  445. 445: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – reading this about what he said about his ex-wife I am not sure if I would want to hook him in if I were wearing your shoes. Pretty soon you might be that woman. It reminds me of CCarter talking about psychology and how “telling stories work”. Without actually saying it “the woman in the story is you, and the man in the story is him”. This he says in his “From Casual to Committed” program. I wonder what she would say about that story.

    Him saying he was a cheater is one of his lemon drops (red flag), she always coming to him another (red flag). Siren Angel I would ask myself what is it about me why I believe that I could convince him to do/be otherwise.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:07am

  446. 446: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe I have been bliss-blocking… hum… so much going on here.

    Me = Bliss-blocking
    M = Withdrawing and scared shit%less
    Kids = See ring (and don’t say a thing) and create an agenda because kids feel sad and threatened

    Oh…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:07am

  447. 447: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 442 – That is your gut/intuition talking to you Siren Angel.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:09am

  448. 448: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I have that program but have to admit I did not give it enough attention. I do remember that part slightly and will relisten. Thank you

    I have to say, I have been scared he would take me to the exact same place as his ex-wife as soon as we are married. Some of this is in seeing his pattern of reactivating online profile as soon as we are no longer together… like last 2 times.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:10am

  449. 449: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I don’t know how old you are but for me a promise ring is too high school.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:11am

  450. 450: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Tam

    Thanks!

    I like feeling diva! :D

    Like…Oh no he did not just threaten me! Wanna control me? You got another thing comin’.

    psht.

    ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:11am

  451. 451: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to go to a “leopard never changes” but this man needs healing and for me the negative talk about the wife is the confirmation. Until they can get to a place of at least being philosophical about the situation it is treading dangerously. I remember how Receiving Girl was saying how her guy was compasionate toward his ex.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:14am

  452. 452: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    He says his ex wife is a Biatch% all the time (not in front of the kids). I have even asked him to please not say that because it makes me feel offended and I feel it is wrong and aggressive. She is quite something though.

    I believe he wanted to genuinely make me happy but did not have the guts to get me the real engagement ring.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:19am

  453. 453: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am sure she is something. I am also sure there is a reason why. It takes two to tango.

    For me, I am building on the belief that actions speak louder than words. That way I can look at a man’s capacity to do relationship.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:26am

  454. 454: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder what his relationship with his mother is like. If he says this about his wife, the children most have experienced some of this vibe.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:28am

  455. 455: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – 283- You have an avatar!!! YAY!!!

    Thank you for being open and receptive to this. I saw after I posted that you had some aha moments with Daria and others, and it warmed my heart.

    These seeming jokes and self-deprecating talk are quite powerful as messages to your psyche, your sub-conscious, and how you feel about yourself deep down.

    Take a look around you at those you know who do this regularly. You my feel surprised.

    I feel thrilled you take good care of yourself in other ways, the running. SO important at keeping yourself healthy and as youthful as possible physically and mentally.

    Sending love.

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:34am

  456. 456: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Sassy – 337 – You don’t need to be fixed, for you are not broken. There’s always healing to be done, and it’s a life long process.

    There is no there to get to in order to have the relationship you’re wanting.

    I was quite the mess when K and I got together, and it all worked out beautifully. The work on me was tough, but the relationship was always rather easy.

    And things keep getting better and better in ALL ways.

    Food for thought.

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:52am

  457. 457: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique 456

    very wise. It is thoughts like this that help me a great deal on my journey.

    And it’s actually kind of wonderful to know you are embraced even though you are “in progress”.

    It also takes a special kind of man I believe. With patience and determination. It does for me anyways…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:01pm

  458. 458: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Miss Stix, for sure it takes a special kind of man…not ‘perfect’ either, but one to stick out the rough times, and working through the issues too. Not all will do this.
    In my case the one I thought was 100% behind me, wasn’t behind me at all….and the one whom I thought was just a flake, has been unflakey pretty consistently and keeps coming back even though he’s seen me at my very worst. It’s feels comforting to be your worst and still not damage anythibg beyond repair.
    Life is full of surprises. Good ones and bad ones ;)
    I wonder who will cross my path next…excited!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:10pm

  459. 459: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    For some reason now I feel guilty and that I am being too hard on him, looking for faults in him to convince myself that this would not have worked out.

    And I miss him.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:16pm

  460. 460: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Annie and Siren Angel – 407 – My thoughts on this man are not positive. He’s not in a position to be dating let alone giving exclusivity.

    In a word, I don’t want this kind of anxiety and seeming “no win” situation, not that it’s about winning. It seems whichever way you turn Siren Angel, you are made wrong.

    And you feel bad.

    I don’t see this changing any time soon.

    If he truly feels threatened, then why isn’t he stepping up big time to claim you?

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:18pm

  461. 461: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    MissStix – 417 – YAY!!! Enoy.

    How about saying this, “I love our sex life SO much, and this has inspired my imagination. I have a few fantasies I would like to explore. Would you like to hear them?”
    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:22pm

  462. 462: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Tam

    Yes indeed. You expressed that beautifully.

    Nobody….NOBODY in the world is perfect, but it takes a certain someone to say “You may be pi$$ing me off right now, but here I am anyway. Not giving up on you.” Someone who, deep down, you know you don’t want them to give up on you. You don’t want to give up on them. So you just don’t. You find ways not to. And it works.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:27pm

  463. 463: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, yes, and the promise ring felt like a stall.
    I miss him already, he broke up, and now I feel guilty and yes I feel like he is making me wrong, blaming me for it all, although he says he loves me. It feels very confusing.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:35pm

  464. 464: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Stix….that made me feel warm and fuzzy, peoople standing by each other…

    Siren Angel, a man who calls the mother of his children a name like that, no matter what she did… I couldn’t respect a man like that. Just sayin’.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:41pm

  465. 465: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and MissStix,

    That is what I wished for. For him to say ‘It’s ok, they don’t like you right now, they have their own issues and I have to stand buy them, but we will work on this and find a solution because we love each other’

    Is this too much to ask for?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:41pm

  466. 466: TamNo Gravatar says:

    No, not too much to ask for, it would have been the right thing to do, SA, the mature thing to do.
    He’s not there (yet?)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:44pm

  467. 467: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    465- this is what you deserve.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 12:47pm

  468. 468: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I agree. Not too much to ask for.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:01pm

  469. 469: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    But he may need to suffer through not having you around to figure that out.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:02pm

  470. 470: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    siren angel, it sounds to me like he is in “urgent flight” on the fight-flight spectrum. i feel compassion for his urgency, but i agree with others that he is not “acting well” or truly even in his own best interest (& that of the children), though he is trying ((((siren angel))))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:08pm

  471. 471: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    334- tam… Yup you were right! He texted me on his lunch to ask if I had a nice hol. I replied like half an hour later. Not heard anything in reply.

    I must remember men work on a completely different time scale to women.

    I wasn’t waiting for his text. Although I was aware he might.

    Now though Its hard not to wait as I know he’ll text again as it’s mid flow conversation…

    Need to get out of my head!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:11pm

  472. 472: TamNo Gravatar says:

    471…Smile..it’s all exciting though.. ;)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:15pm

  473. 473: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i’m going to post this all here & do my riffing. i feel scared.

    I’m feeling curious & a bit “stuck” in my imagination in a very specific place.

    I felt bullied by girls in school (through college) & I still feel “bullied” by many women I meet.

    This “assumption” or belief that I’m “in danger” of becoming a target for a “mean girl” means that I have Unreasonable Expectations about my partner in some social situations. Specifically, I feel very uncomfortable when I perceive my partner being Polite & Socially Engaged with a woman who I feel afraid views me as an “underling” or a “target” for bullying. Often times it seems it’s more “in my imagination” but often it’s a very bad feeling & feels Real.

    I don’t want other women viewing me as “less than” just because they have somehow “enticed” my partner into a satisfying interpersonal experience.

    It does feel “related to” my….hm, Unwillingness? to “get dolled up” as well – like I simultaneously “blame” the women who are all “dolled” – I feel “guilty” if I employ such “sorcery” – yet, I also do feel that Abstaining from “feminine rituals” might somehow “remove me from competition” so I’ll be “left alone” in safety. THEN it creates the worst feeling that somehow the girl in eyeliner may think I’m “frumpy” : (((((((((

    & What I REALLY Don’t Want: is for my personal self-esteem to have anything to do with my man. or other women.

    What do you think about that?

    Susie and Otto Collins
    Bloom, you covered a lot of topics and you have a lot of good insights about your situation. It seems like you’re carrying a lot of hurt from the past. It comes down to your beliefs and if you want to keep believing them and holding onto th
    em. Believe us when we say that you can change your beliefs and you can steer your thoughts toward new beliefs that you want to strengthen. So start by writing down what beliefs around this that you want to keep and new beliefs that you want to embody–Start with your beliefs about other women and your safety. If you have women friends, start with feeling safe around them. Learn to trust one woman at a time and start figuring out what trust means to you. Also, we invite you to question your belief that being “dolled up” is sorcery. Do you ever feel attractive and not frumpy? Start feeling moments that you you do and if you never feel attractive, do something that you find acceptable to help you feel better about yourself. It all starts with your beliefs and if you want to change them or not.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:17pm

  474. 474: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    The anticipation feels immense!!! I feel my insides all stirring up :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:18pm

  475. 475: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Wow all that feeling just for a text that may not be abything or go anywhere. Just enjoying thd text message :)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:21pm

  476. 476: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel of course it is confusing. But he should be the one confused not you. I suggested a couple of times that he did not seem to be asking you to be the mother to his children though you seemed to be assuming the role.

    I believe your feelings around the promise ring was spot on and this is the type of thing that you really want to focus your attention on rather than on the kids behavior.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:28pm

  477. 477: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    well, mostly i feel “ICK” because i don’t want to carry anger around.

    beliefs i have that i don’t want: women are catty & mean (ICKKKK), women want me to suffer (ouch), women want to push me into myself & quiet me down & kxll me even maybe (scary)…. ummm, “i can’t trust any of them” “not even my family” ouch.

    this is hurting my head by my right ear & all the way down to the small of my back, like a little vein of bad energy. poor angry mad sad girl so mad so mad

    feel like screaming at “you bxtches” – girls in middle school (awww lk everyone has a hard time in middle school – you think they were picking on you because they were happy ? awwww poor girls, all of them & you too – poor humans!) girls in high school (that one girl who tried to take you down was a lesbian, so definitely consider re-writing that relationship story in your mind – like, she wasn’t trying to do anything to you around Men – she was navigating her OWN feelings about Men & also maybe possibly had a twinge of a crush on you since you were such good friends ? & that makes more Sense, less space for “random sense-less rage & hxtred” ya know?) ok ok girls in college ? i’m pretty good on that one for some reason. why ???? those were the mean-est & most aggressive & most verbal…….. ouch. ouch. ouch. that hurts to open that closed box in my heart. “oh well” i want to say dismissively…. poor me, poor girls ! ouch. ok one at a time. just pick one. aw ouch. ouch, that really hurts to even try to get any details out of my poor memory….. ouch. ok…. i can do this: the girl with curls, let’s just say. ok “she is a bxtch” – but actually i know she can be a good friend (or i think, because she had a few Good Friends that were very sister-ly that looked fun & loving & good) & she is very smart aww i feel moved remembering how driven & ambitious she is ! wow ! that feels good… um, so somehow i’m not really very “Jealous” of her, which is weird because i thought that was “what this was about”……. i like her : ) aww & i feel sad she didn’t want to Be Friends – but maybe she did ! & maybe *I* was giving off some scaredy-cat signals that made *her* feel weird. ok i can dig that. i feel bad about that too though. “you should” don’t be mean to me lol…. hm.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:31pm

  478. 478: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i feel curious about this & suddenly very peaceful. thank you.

    i’m trying to touch all my tied-together Truths……….

    other women are frightening & possibly villainous

    i’m not strong enough to stop them

    i need to prove to other women that i am valuable

    my man is my primary way to establish “dominance”

    i feel so much shame writing those things…. i feel frightened of the violence buried in all those beliefs…. & i feel open to shifting my perspective to something that i can consciously Get Behind instead of this mucky thing i’ve allowed myself to “fall into”

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:37pm

  479. 479: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Dominique. I’ll catch up to those feelings and beliefs eventually.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:38pm

  480. 480: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Awww, so cute! Mr. A suggested a movie…”What do you think about X?” Then he paused for half a second and said (not at all sarcastically, just naturally) “I mean… does that feel like a good movie to you?”

    Love it!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:42pm

  481. 481: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

    Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.

    DON’T FALL FOR IT!

    So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/communication/page/10/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:44pm

  482. 482: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Blooming,

    I can SO relate to those feelings around other women. I don’t have very many female friends. The ones that I do have are all quite a bit older than me (some even my mom’s age). I have a lot of guy friends though.

    I just don’t feel “liked” by girls. I crave female friendship. Sometimes I feel so lonely and sad about this. I never seem to quite fit-in with women-folk. I want this. I want to be invited to “girls’ nights” and go shopping and paint fingernails. (((women-folk)))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:47pm

  483. 483: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s my answer:

    Linda, the question to ask yourself is – if you would not marry him before because you felt he was unstable, why are you still with him? And instead of asking me what he’s thinking with his bouncing back and forth between him leaving/you leaving – the Rori Raye way to do this would be to talk to HIM.

    That means sharing with him, “I don’t know what to say when you talk about leaving…It makes me feel unsettled. I really want a close, intimate, trusting relationship, I want to feel like I can say anything, that we could talk through anything…”

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/communication/page/11/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:47pm

  484. 484: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The absolute best thing you can do is AGREE with him! And I’m not asking you to fake this – I’m asking you to look this in the eye, look at the truth of this, and say – Yes, you’re so right, if you don’t feel this way, even though I feel a lot for you, it can’t be right, right now. And if you should change your mind…I will see how I feel then…

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/dont-throw-yourself-at-his-feet/#more-1507

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:50pm

  485. 485: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – 463 – This is how he’s hooking you in, with confusion. It’s not conscious or deliberate, and I totally agree with bloom-ing that he’s really in an impossible situation.

    I go back to that he’s not in a place to be dating let alone thinking about exclusivity with anyone. He needs to sort his stuff out as well do some healing of this own, if he’s up for it.

    I do say a man heals best through a woman’s heart, BUT he’s not there right now.

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:56pm

  486. 486: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I look at this in just the opposite way. To me, if you are that invested in a man, then there’s “stuff” going on in the relationship — and not just about “him” — that no one’s talking about. And the secret of getting reconnected to a man is all about unearthing that stuff that no one’s talking about — WITHOUT leaning forward, trying to get conversations started, and generally pushing him further away — but doing it in a “feminine,” feeling, open way that is an irresistible invitation. Even to a man in a deep funk.

    This is an art. This is the art we are all working on — the art of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside. About having boundaries on the inside and openness on the outside. This is the art of being able to step away from the man, and yet open your heart to the man. This is the art of being able to FACILITATE a healing.

    To facilitate a healing, to re-create trust and openness, to make it okay to be exactly who you are in a relationship — even if you’re in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul — that’s something WE can DO!

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/breakup-divorce/page/4/

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 1:56pm

  487. 487: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ok, i can really see that.

    like, the main “reason” i felt accepted by women was by “showing” that i can get a really high-quality man.

    that’s some effed up stuff, human! i know, i know… but it just “happened” & i learned a weird “lesson” from it that doesn’t feel helpful anymore. thanks for talking to me about it & working with me…

    is this “all about” my mom as well ? aww sad i feel so sad thinking about my mom wanting me to be social & socially accepted & i just am a little to “weird”

    belief that i am weird ? idk how i feel about that. it’s ok. i’m just as weird as the next person. idk why other people say i’m weird. i wouldn’t tell someone that but people seem to say it to me a lot. that’s ok. i feel ok about that. do i though ???

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:01pm

  488. 488: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    mel, i feel so reassured to hear that !! thank you for sharing

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:06pm

  489. 489: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really bad tonight. I had a phone conversation with a neighbour friend of mine who I definately DON’T fancy – and he really annoyed me because everytime I tell him about something that I’ve done – he says he wants to do it to – and he’ll come to the NEXT one. I just feel really annoyed – like he’s PUSHING himself INTO my space with no care how I feel about it. I actually feel so ANGRY I don’t won’t to SPEAK to him at all! …. Grrrr

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:07pm

  490. 490: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Wishing a joyous and magical Blue Moon to you lovely sirens.

    Hugs from me.

    I have escaped.
    It was too easy!!!

    I’ll find intrigue inside myself for a change!….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:09pm

  491. 491: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh, i always get into these situations – I feel so angry with myself – i’ve been far too nice to him. I know he’s going to turn up and be a burdon on me… Pffft….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:10pm

  492. 492: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i’m giving myself permission to release the idea of a “hierarchy” among humans & among women in particular. that feels very freeing – all crowned goddesses, bowing to each other – thank you

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:10pm

  493. 493: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i give myself permission to enjoy watching my man among other people, without anticipating how the “other people” might perceive *me* – that is, i intend to take full responsibility for my personal social identity

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:12pm

  494. 494: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing – I am SO weird, and I LOVE my weirdness. Weirdness feel special. Yes it can feel lonely sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything different. It’s one of the reasons K loves me so much, because I’m weird.

    And my weirdness includes insecurities and idiosyncrasies which we all have, which are uniquely ours. These things endear us to good men, men whose weirdness meshes nicely with ours.

    Love on your weird. I love your weird.

    (suddenly that word looks very weird to me. lol) :)

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:12pm

  495. 495: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like a b/tch but I don’t want to baby sit him… Awww – I don’t like myself when I feel like this. I feel like a bad friend and horroble person… He’s so clingy to me when we’re out and I can’t handle it – i’m not his girlfriend….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:12pm

  496. 496: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i intend to STOP. “measuring” myself – particularly when it becomes a question of “am i ok ? am i enough ? am i in control ? am i an outsider ? ”

    this feels thick for me.

    i intend to allow myself in all my weird, gangly ways.

    i intend to expand fully.

    i intend to release judgments about “how” that looks or if i’m doing it “right”

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:14pm

  497. 497: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    awww (((Dominique))) i’m going to start telling myself when i hear “you’re so weird” switch it to “you’re so special” lol awwww i feel all cuddly with my little girl to think that way : ))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:16pm

  498. 498: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i intend to focus on connecting with women in a way where i assume trust. that feels interesting. thanks.

    i feel mistrustful.

    points that contradict your fears: one time, baby girl (my bff) called me up to tell me my casual dating partner had put the moves on her : ) & she didn’t let him, but she told me ! ((((((((((((homegirl))))))))))))

    i feel very very petrified scared that my baby cousin is going to fall in love with cd because he is “her type” & of course i think she’s THE BEST & amazing because she is… & i don’t want to feel scared or jealous of her. thank you.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:22pm

  499. 499: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing – :) <3

    xxoo

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:25pm

  500. 500: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing – I am loving your thoughts with regard to rejecting society’s concept of a heirarchy of humans. I’m on board with you.

    I feel free to own my own identity and to love K for the man I see, not who others might judge him to be. <3

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:27pm

  501. 501: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I feel curious… Did the man with the kids ever try to come back?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:31pm

  502. 502: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Can to feel an urge to say something…or is this a thought?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:32pm

  503. 503: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Mmm…

    Must remember ‘don’t take it perrrsssooonnaallly’

    That is gonna be my moto from now on…

    I take everything toooo personally..

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:39pm

  504. 504: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thank you for posting that letter and answer, it hits close to home. Reading on my phone right now.

    Bloom-Ing,

    I love the thought process you are expressing here. I feel the same way about women I sense can bully me. I was bullied a lot as a child, I was weird, with glasses and all.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:45pm

  505. 505: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I just passed a couple out to dinner. The girl is intent on her phone while the guy lookson. Turned off and bored

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:45pm

  506. 506: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    & now i do want to address my idea that makeup is a fearful weapon LOL…..

    well, it certainly is tied up in Capitalism & concepts of Hierarchy & even Oppression of Women for me….

    & women have used makeup for a long time… but actually i just read some history & am feeling more resistant than ever.

    but i was raised in this culture. & i DO find it “attractive”….

    & i Don’t Want my man thinking other ladies look more lovely than i do….

    & i Don’t Want to take any action “in order to” Attract my man.

    hm

    i also do not believe or feel that wearing makeup makes *Me* specifically more attractive. in fact, i feel “frumpy” without makeup, but i feel “clownish” with makeup. hm. i notice that i have Accepted a self-view in which i’m Not Physically Attractive. i feel a bit sad to notice that. & i feel panicky thinking of all the many millions of women who i DO feel are “attractive” & i don’t want to perceive that abundance as an indication of Scarcity in My Life…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:48pm

  507. 507: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    thanks, p-lala & siren angel : ) i’m feeling a little wobbly trying to get my bearings around these issues….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:54pm

  508. 508: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the main “reason” i felt accepted by women was by “showing” that i can get a really high-quality man

    Oh wow me 2

    I want a really cool boyfriend – a bunch of them – to show off to my sis

    And my other girls and I always set up ways to meet men

    Hmm

    I feel ashamed and also thrilled and I want to get this more

    Thanks for writing about this blooming

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 2:58pm

  509. 509: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    that is,

    i’m a love-ly gigantic queen. i’m infinitely large & all “things” are a part of me. all beauty is mine. all love is mine. thank you.

    no one takes from me, all give to me. everyone is just as big, but only when i’m not me, so i have to Practice Listening & tuning in to the other person’s Big-ness, so that i can properly bow to them & give them space for their holiness.

    i think maybe when the other person feels “got” as a holy person, maybe they will not “want to hurt me”

    & if they do “want to hurt me” – that’s ok. i can’t be hurt by others. no defense is needed. i’m invulnerable because i’m infinite. also simultaneously because i’m zero. thanks, that feels good to know about & go between.

    maybe when i start feeling “zero” & it feels bad, i can just go back to my Big Temple self & that will re-ground me & bring me peace again, from which to love & go zero in a compassionate way again.

    ok so let me practice.

    i’m feeling Queenly in my home. a girl comes in, i bow to her & let her get very big & appreciate it – wow, how amazing, thank you for sharing, i feel moved to meet a goddess like you, how special & beautiful you are – now maybe i start getting the “i’m zero” vibe (because that’s where i was, at zero), so i go directly adjacent to the “infinity” vibe which is easy because it looks like mirroring my worship & turning it on myself – wow, i feel amazing, i feel open & vulnerable & powerful, i’m so unique & my gifts are so valuable – & then i’m a big goddess no one can hurt again – but maybe i feel Unseen by the other goddess & maybe even by my Man, who i want to be my most faithful worshiper & never waver in his devotions…….. & then ok, i suppose that i would walk away from that situation. i suppose i might go to bless him instead. with something special like a hand on his back or a kiss on his cheek or a sweet word. & i do actually see that i have the choice to also Bless her ….. with myself. & that feels good too. the blessing, though…. could feel like a “Curse” if i’m in the infinite Dark rather than the infinite Light… i can feel that…. ok, so i need to practice what all my Darks & Lights & Zeroes & Infinities feel like & then i can practice making choices about where i am before i interact. thank you. i feel inspired.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:16pm

  510. 510: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i feel intensely guilty & ashamed when a man with a woman looks at me. i feel Worse, like i did this, if i’m “dolled” & pretty looking. i feel sad that my “pretty” feels like a choice i make & not like a permanent state.

    i notice i feel bad & guilty to be noticed or hit-on also. like it is close to “being unfaithful”

    & i think i’ve maybe struggled in the past to really respect the boundaries of my relationship on My Side of it…. like, i think i did things i wouldn’t do again, even if i never ever physically “cheated” or even considered it.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:20pm

  511. 511: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    If I had a real fly man treating me well every woman would stare at me judging and I could cross my arms and ignore the bitcghes like I do when i was out with my fly ass brothers

    And some women would be like damn d u got all the guys and I’d feel fly and powerful and like I’m finally important/see /respected enough. Like I made it.

    And I did have some extremely fly boyfriends one in particular and my sister was like wow in a way cuz he was the flyest n he was sorta her cousin thru marriage

    Well i perceived it as wow

    Also wen. A fly new guy liked me some of my exes seemed jealous and I felt like I was ‘stepping up in the world’ in status

    This feels so thrilling for me

    This is what I. Crave. And shame myself for

    I fear it’s low self esteem

    I dont ‘see it’ or ‘get it’

    Why must I associate w cool people to be cool

    I feel like I’m a ‘nobody bitcgh’ without that

    Just a loner loser, even tho maybe charismatic and interesting for a second

    Not someone people want to make sure is at their party – that’s who I wanna be

    I want fly people to think I’m fly and want to hang out w me all the time

    Flashbacks of elementary middle school

    Solo left out feeling

    Waiting ‘for my chance ‘ to be seen and recognized by the cool people. They were cool cuz I thought so and ‘everyone knew’ they were popular and they wore cool clothes

    And they were smooth

    Now I’m smooth but I feel like a used up war veteran image

    Homeless

    Loner

    Head shake

    I want the fuchkin. Cool boyfriends.

    I got a couple now but they not treating me as well as I want for show off purposes

    I must get what no one has ever got or seen in the hood, a
    whole paradigm shift in how to treat a woman

    That’s what I’m used to only fly girl w my brothers paradigm shift super stunner what who is that co fusion

    That’s your Sister????!!!!

    Yup this the first lady of the ‘us’ says my brother

    These strangers staring they don’t dare comment

    I’m stone cold and uncomfortable and not looking at them I’m too fly I’m a Qyeen

    It didn’t feel good tho so shy do I want it?

    Feels thrilling?

    I feel honored and powerful tho

    I feel stronger bond to my group

    Everyone who’s fly knows what I’m talking about the secret language why I wanna be fly

    They know I want it and they do too

    Do we all have the same disease? Addiction?

    Where is the treasure?

    I wonder what the treasure is in this?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:28pm

  512. 512: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    & i feel angry to remember times where i felt other women were trying to flirt with my man…….

    & i’d like to point out to myself that different people have different sets of expectations & skills in social situations, so it’s very easy to misunderstand someone’s intentions.

    i don’t want to feel threatened by other women, & i can make that choice.

    i’d also like to remind myself that i interact with men all the time & it could seem “flirtatious” to someone, but i have never ever once felt the tiniest temptation toward another man.

    & i do want to be “the prettiest” to my man….. lol…. i’m imagining my ex saying “you’re not only the prettiest girl i’ve ever met, you’re the prettiest girl i can imagine” lol ……. well goodness i hope that wasn’t true………. but there’s something nice in being told that.

    cd would never be so hyperbolic with his words…. but he does say “you fill my eye completely” i’m going to tell myself that when i feel scared.

    & btw, little girl, if you think any of those women in the past “won” – if you think they “got something” out of “being mean” to you – what ? what are you picturing them walking away with ? what trophy are you imagining them dusting off the mantle for & stepping back proudly to admire ? nothing. sour memories & resentment. i bet some of those girls would apologize to you. i bet some of them talk to their therapists about you. ouch. & i’d feel the same way if i tried to “get an upper hand” with a woman, so i’m not even going there. i’m erasing the idea that one person could ever be “above” someone else. neat. thanks. i like it. tired smile-y face lol

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:31pm

  513. 513: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel less intensity about thislike writing it down has made me feel more honored and seen alreahmm

    I’m having a challe te getting as triggers about ut as before

    I still do want a fly. An

    I don’t want my sis to be able to put down my man

    I want him to ne like, oh he likes D so she Must have something about her

    I feel sad

    I want to feel like I got something about me…

    Period

    That would feel good

    I wonder if I could choose that

    I give myself permission to

    I choose to feel like I got something about me to my sis and other women

    That will make them wanna fight you remember?

    Oh yes se might be getting somewhere now

    Fight me bitcghes I’ll kill u

    I might look like nothing to you but I’m a whole new paradigm

    I’m not from this hood I’m not even from this country bitcgh I’ll mangle u

    And I can do that and then everyone will give me props and say I’m AMA ing and I’ll feel soooo good about myself and almost teart and absolute joy

    What is under this violence?

    I want to be seen and loved and celebrated by the grou And feel secure that I’ll continue to ne treated well

    I used to use violence to enforce that but maybe I don’t have to

    Lots of Nvs now

    I don’t know how to create that

    I’m glad I had violence and was a good fighter

    I would a had no self esteem maybe otherwise or know how to understand the motivation behind violence

    Just craving a whole lot of public, verbal affirmation

    Aha

    Aaand I still want to be invited to parties

    Like why don’t my brothers wake up like hey, a new day, we Have To have D here shes so fun

    This afgiation stuff is from my parents I see that

    Ok so my brothers Do wake up Nd say that about each other
    And invite each other

    I broke a lot of girl barriers w them

    But this one w The invites never fully panned out and I feel so starved for it
    Desperate

    I deserve it!

    Why do I want to ne included ?

    I want to feel as an honored part of the team

    Someone irreplaceable, a blessing, someone Amazing

    But someone amazing Would get invited, called, get picked up.

    :(

    Blame myself

    Still not good enough

    How do I heal this?

    I intend to heal this

    There treasure remember

    I still don’t see it

    :(

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:49pm

  514. 514: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “you’re not only the prettiest girl i’ve ever met, you’re the prettiest girl i can imagine
    I like this I want my man to thi k this about me
    I get butthurt if he doesn’t cuz I think that about me hmmm

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 3:51pm

  515. 515: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this Dominique. And thank you sharing the connected threads feminine woman.

    441: Siren says:

    About his ex-wife, she did not cheat on him. But he had nor more attraction for her, because he said she was a screaming Biatch% from the beginning of marriage and that it traumatised him. He ended up cheating on her the last few months of their marriage to end it (he says) and because he needed sex but did not want it from her. He has said she was always coming to him, and he would withdraw.

    Siren I remember Rori saying to me to get my energy away from and man who called any woman a Bitch.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:09pm

  516. 516: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    515: AnnieNo Gravatar says:
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this Dominique. And thank you sharing the connected threads feminine woman.

    441: Siren says:

    About his ex-wife, she did not cheat on him. But he had nor more attraction for her, because he said she was a screaming Biatch% from the beginning of marriage and that it traumatised him. He ended up cheating on her the last few months of their marriage to end it (he says) and because he needed sex but did not want it from her. He has said she was always coming to him, and he would withdraw.

    Siren I remember Rori saying to me to get my energy away from and man who called any woman a B88tch

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:10pm

  517. 517: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Linda and Heart for your thoughts on internet dates
    .
    Part of the issue for me at the moment is i am locationally challenged! I get lots of “love your profile’ hits but no follow up from men in a city 90 mins from me. But i am in a small town with few fish in the pond.

    When i lived in the city I had regular dates whenever I wanted and this has dried up.

    Anyway , current plan is to continue my weight loss (major surgeries times 4 in 12 months meant 15pounds extra and I have lost 10 but am continuing with a few more after that..) and then get some professional photos done for the net sites.

    It feels good to have a plan.

    I am off to enjoy the sunshine..

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:15pm

  518. 518: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing, I totally “get” what you are expressing. Please try to remember that the thing with bullies is that they are insecure, often jealous people that feel superior when they bully. Most often it isn’t even about you, but as we have all experienced right here on “the island” something triggers them and they move into your space to scare and belittle you. You’re a grown woman now, no one can mistreat you without your permission.
    As for beauty and attractiveness, if I’ve learned anything about men the past few years, it’s that when they are attracted to YOU, it’s you, inside, outside, over, under, and upside down. You can be skinny, short, tall, fat, whatever, but if they fall in love with you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does, it’s you.
    Keep working through this, you are a beautiful soul and THAT is what shines through.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:20pm

  519. 519: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I read your pretty girl comment and for some reason it felt limiting. I wonder what that was about?

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 4:43pm

  520. 520: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Blooming:

    Something is coming up for me as i read your process. I feel inspired to express it. I feel kind of afraid to as well, because I feel worried that it might come across in a way other than I intend and honestly, I feel a little scared of being attacked. So if this doesn’t resonate, please feel free to disregard.

    As I was reading, I kept thinking of Byron Katie and the turnaround, where we look at our judgements of others and turn them around. It’s along the same lines as what you said about how everything is inside of you and how you mentioned the light and the dark.

    I noticed that you spoke a lot about you being bullied, and I felt a bit of a victim vibe to that. I wonder if you can think of any circumstances where you have been the bully?

    There are many ways one can bully, not just through harsh words but also in more subtle ways like by through intelligence, or having the best vocabulary, or being the most creative, or even aligning oneself with other bullies, making ourselves better than.

    For me, when I shift my perspective and see that I have the same capacities within me, then it helps me to understand and not take that behavior so personally. Like maybe the people didn’t intend to bully me, maybe that’s just my perception. Maybe the have insecurities just like me and are just trying to get by.

    I guess it’s along the same lines as no hierarchy. Sometimes I’m the bully, sometimes I’m the bullied. There really is no difference until I step out of that paradigm altogether.

    Like I said, if this doesn’t resonate, please feel free to disregard. Writing this out is helping me to get clear with myself.

    Feeling bullied isn’t an issue for me. My ‘challenge’ with women is feeling like I attract needy friends who want something from my, my help, my attention, my patience. And I often don’t feel like I have the support I need in return. I’m gonna ponder on how this fits in to what I wrote to you above.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:01pm

  521. 521: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    There’s something that I feel guilty about and want to apologize to myself and the blog for.

    And that is for calling my guy a jerk the other day when we were having a disagreement.

    I feel so guilty about that. I don’t want to call people names. I don’t feel good about doing that.

    So I apologize to myself, my man, and to all of you for bringing that kind of energy. This has really been weighing on me and I feel much better expressing it.

    I do feel relieved that we moved out of that fight or flight state. I feel so relieved that our arguments, although intense, never last for longer than a day.

    Sometimes I feel confused how things can feel so sweet between us most of the time, but then when we get triggered, and in fight or flight state, they can turn so quickly.

    I do feel appreciative that even in those states, he never totally gives up on me. I feel tears welling in my eyes thinking of that.

    Wow! Do I deserve such commitment?

    I have never experienced commitment like that. It feels scary. I feel unworthy and also so thankful.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:21pm

  522. 522: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I also feel scared because I don’t necessarily feel as committed towards him. When we get in arguments, I start to think maybe we should break up. I notice that that is when our fights really intensify, when I suggest that maybe we should break up.

    That’s when he gets really riled up. And it seems like his anger is covering up the fact that he feels hurt. I saw a glimpse of that a few days ago, when he finally let go of the anger and I could see tears in his eyes.

    That’s when everything shifted and I realized he wasn’t just being a jerk, he was actually really hurting.

    Awww, he’s a sensitive being just like me, even though he hides it behind that tough guy exterior.

    Awww, melting heart.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:29pm

  523. 523: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I recall feeling so irritated when recycled flirted with one of my coworkers and she was kind of someone who gets under my skin anyway ,,,,, and interestingly enough she was always subtly competing with me.

    I kept quiet like “no biggie” and just seething after he flirt with her because i thought what if saying something makes it worse?? Or he tells her and they turn against me WOW I have some major healing to do around this…

    and I wonder how I could have handled it differently…

    Sirens what do u think??.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:33pm

  524. 524: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Text cd update: i am looking at as a potential friend only now …just for now …and so we shall see… Lol I leaned forward and texted him hello And a fm OMG emerson you are soo wishy washy!!
    It’s ok no biggie you are allowed to reach out to a friend!!!
    Oh I’m feeling lonely and piney and old and fat and insettled and reminding myself of all my accomplishments and dreams I’ve made come true is not helping ,,,,
    Ohhh but I just realizes I made my dreams come true before and I can again!! Wowowwow!!!!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:37pm

  525. 525: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Ok part of my problem is I compare myself to others and I also shut myself out because of that
    I can flip this ,,, I already have in some instances where i talk with open palms and remember everyone is doing the best they can considering their circumstances

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:07pm

  526. 526: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Emerson)))) be gentle with yourself.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:13pm

  527. 527: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #516 – Sirenity – Actually those were my thoughts on dating. I don’t internet date. I feel turned off by meeting someone on the internet …I prefer spontaneity…I don’t think There is Anything wrong with Internet Dating. These are modern times. I hope I do not offend any Sirens with my preferences.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:16pm

  528. 528: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sassy! Thank you (((SASSY))) I feel hugged and teary reading your words….

    I pushed TextCD away out of fear of his children….fear of him…fear of not being in CONTROL…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:39pm

  529. 529: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Now he’s REALLY backed off and all of a sudden I’m like WAIT!!! Don’t go away!!! I do think you are interesting and I want to KNOW you….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:40pm

  530. 530: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Where is everyone? Oh yah it’s Friday night :roll:

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:40pm

  531. 531: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    536 Heart same here…I have tried both. I have gone on line off and on…and met a lot of “practice CDs” usually ending with the first date being the last date…but was good practice nonetheless…I find it tiresome going online and chatting etc…argh :roll:

    I realized something about myself…I felt very FLAT and not OPEN to the men I met online…I would be upbeat and smiley and using fm on the date as practice but it was not genuine…meanwhile I just wanted to go to the taco bell drive thru and go home….baaahhhhh…..

    TextCD I met at work, and I’ve met quite a few men at Starbucks I’m not joking! I even got a date or two from that. :-)

    Right now I’m just working hard in trying to be open. I have a geographical issue in which I work in one area and live in another. I DO NOT want to live in the area I work because it’s too pricey and crowded…..I do have a long commute but I like it better “out here”…with some space and animals and less smog…

    But I’m meeting guys from “the city life” and I’m just not open to living threre…..it’s not my happy ever after…when I was living there I would constantly dream of leaving…ugh…

    I need to meet men near “home”…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 7:59pm

  532. 532: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    blooming…I love how you talk about how you and cd have the same vision for your happy ever after…

    I want to attract that! It really has to be divine intervention getting involved to help attract a person who matches me……

    I can scan the crowds and Starbucks, foot locker, the grocery store, the gym and I will fail…my radar could be so “off” I won’t find him….omg I am open to having it be a divine intervention…I want to “stop looking” but “remain open”

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:04pm

  533. 533: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…discovered a site called Baggage Reclaim…reading some articles…really powerful and hardcore…

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:04pm

  534. 534: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – :) He’ll come along….

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:08pm

  535. 535: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Emerson…oh you’re spamming the blog are you? Well that’s good at least your on a roll and doing well…Keep it going and it’s all going to be ok. You are here for you…don’t ever ever ever forget that! Oh I did not know this for SO SO long…I was not there for me but now I am. I love me and I’m setting a goal to be nice to everybody even if they are not nice to me but I will use a FM to address it. ;-)

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:09pm

  536. 536: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    533 Heart I read Natalie too!! I love Baggage Reclaim!

    534 Thank u!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:11pm

  537. 537: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – I have a new favorite word — Assclown.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:19pm

  538. 538: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Yesss!!! LOL Heart….
    “Assclownery” is a good one too!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:28pm

  539. 539: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t sleep Blue moon. It feels so difficult to switch off.
    The moon really affects me and my hormones.
    I feel less tolerant than normal.
    More rage when full moon and hormonal.

    Feel more aware about myself all the time.
    Feels so difficult not to Analise why though.
    I want to know a reason for everything.

    I still feel triggered that a woman said she felt sorry that I felt sad and disappointed.
    It really is a red flag to me when someone says they feel sorry for me feelings when I express them in an attempt to shut me down when they have failed to do something they agreed to do.
    WTF!
    I then expressed I don’t want anyone to feel sorry about how I feel. And that now I felt really angry having that said to me.

    OMG it’s feels like the same kind of contempt as eye rolling.

    I absolutely refuse to have my voice shut down.
    It feels so difficult not to attack someone when then do this to me.
    All she had to say was I am sorry. I felt dismissed nullified gosh it felt awful.
    I wanted to reach down the phone and hurt her.
    I feel scared of my anger sometimes. And feel positive others are too. But it feels weird that although I feel positive they feel scared they want to see me react to this anger so they can divert from being accountable and say ” see she is crazy” dangerous mad.
    This really doesn’t feel good.
    I really want to heal this. I feel pleased I didn’t react and expressed in an authentic way. But feel weak for letting her get away with not doing what she agreed and giving me bullshit reasons.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:29pm

  540. 540: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (((Annie)))

    I feel this way sometimes. With my Mom.

    Your comments about the moon got me thinking…the past three nights I’ve only been able to sleep 4 hours at a time…I wake up at 3 or 4 AM and I mean wide awake not to fall asleep again…I am so tired but here I am treking around in the big, bad world.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:33pm

  541. 541: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Wow the past few days I’ve felt very “off” and stressed and anxious and obsessing….It must be the moon. Oh I feel better blaming it on the big blue moon!!! Moon you are powerful and God made you for us to marvel at and dream about bigger universes out there….and send men up to walk around and everyone on earth watch on tv and cry…in awe and wonder…Mr. Armstrong…I SALUTE YOU… may you rest in peace our AMERICAN HERO!!!!

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 8:35pm

  542. 542: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ouch
    I feel triggered about ‘bullies’ as a label cuz I believe we all are at times

    I felt defensive about the comment about ‘them’
    I experienced that as ‘me’ being bullied

    I feel angry

    I feel scared to feel angry cuz other people will get triggered and attacked and possibly attack me and I’m tired of it

    The most triggering for me is when in this ‘anti-bullying’ campaign I see things written as ‘bullies are bad, I would beat them up/kill them/shame them’ etc

    Oh wow way to miss the point

    I feel so frustrated and judgemental reading stuff like that

    I’m remembering a time in middleschool when I got bullied a Lot, mostly by a group and in that ostracizing and sau mean things way

    They would chant ‘English english’ eventualitatea i vot on The bus cuz i had an accent. It was Very not strong by this point and I knew perfect english. These were the ‘good kids’ student council, all ‘preppy’

    Ar one time i finally decided to give them a taste of their own medicine and say something about the ethnicity of one of the kids that could possibly be chosen to make fun of. I was totally making it up just to show how hurtful it is to me – I didn’t believe it at all and even my best friend at the time on the bus was the same ethnicity. I thought they would ‘get it.’ She seemed herself a bit disturbed and I felt soo guilty. I explained to her what I was trying to do and she understood.

    They didn’t though and then they called me nazi for the next few years, even sending kids up to me who didnt knoe me to askme if I was a nazi.

    Omg I felt so powerless.

    I just wanted to beat them up but that wasn’t allowed seemed off limits in an American school with student council kids.

    Stuff got way better later when my highschool was more ghetto and fighting my way out of issues became an option (sort of, I only did once, senior year. Nobody messed w me again lol)

    Thank you violence for being my friend for so long, and now I’m grown to use peace and feel even better.

    This feels fun to write about, I’m gonna come back to write about when that one girl said why would anyone want u, you’re not pretty or anything.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:10pm

  543. 543: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (((Daria)))

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:22pm

  544. 544: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emerson :) :) yay I felt so loved to come back to a hug

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:31pm

  545. 545: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhhh femininewoman I have an idea why

    Cuz it was termed in superlative pretty’est

    I’ve been avoiding comparisons in my vocabulary even best and such

    Or translating them when I encounter them

    At some level of beauty, a woman is a goddess and all are goddesses so there’s no actual comparison,

    Like between colors. Red is beautiful and so is yellow

    So prettiest means being in that group of ‘ultimate beauty’ I decided

    So it feels somewhat more limiting

    But yes I do see myself as prettiest in that way, as in I belong there and no one is pretty -er than me and I want that reflected to me from man

    And the pretty comes from goddess energy of course

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 11:46pm

  546. 546: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    (((poor girl on fb)))

    Her status…’waiting for the gorgeous fiancé to get home and keep me company’ @ home sweet home.

    I want to shout your way leaning forward to much, giving Homs too much energy! Stop ‘waiting’ for him.

    But then I feel fear as I realise actually… She is the one ‘with’ a fiancé… Not me.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:13am

  547. 547: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Let him take the lead…

    I did! He suggested getting a house and moving in, marriage was discussed! He found the house! He led the pace of the relationship. I trusted him and my feelings :(

    Feeling anxious this morning, trying yet again to make sense of this. I never will so I’m stopping now. The feelings came up. I get less triggered, feels less intense everyone I wake up and remember I live alone now. Just acknowledging my feelings now I’m getting up and getting busy. I didn’t even cry this time. Must be feeling better

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:35am

  548. 548: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm…

    I’m really ‘stressed’ out by this friend. I feel like I want to ‘avoid’ him now. I feel scared to ‘confront’ him.. I feel angry that he is bullying me to let him come along on my little social events, and I DON’T want to do that. I go on my own so I can be me, and free… Not have shadow with me. This whole thing is ‘creeping’ me out. He doesn’t seem to get it, and does the whole ‘poor me’ routine. I just feel like avoiding him now…

    He doesn’t seem to ‘get’ that I have my own life. I feel almost obliged to invite him to things and I don’t want to feel like that. Butif I say this to him, which I’ve done in the past, I know I’ll feel guilty… I’ll just end up over compensating out of guilt… He seems to have a weird ‘hold’ over me. I ‘feel’ like I’ve adoptef him…

    Help…. Any input would be greatly appreciated… Sob

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:58am

  549. 549: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Bringing this back to me

    ((smile))

    It feels healing visiting the past. Like another little hole just got stitched up.

    Back to the present. Ah that feels less exhausting.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:59am

  550. 550: TamNo Gravatar says:

    501 Siren Angel..the man with the kids never tried to come back. We spoke a couple of times after the break up (I broke it off), and he was very hurt and angry. I saw a side to him I hadn’t seen as he always projected ‘happy’ even when he wasn’t, he was as inauthentic as me. But essentially a very good and caring man. He also made a villain out of his ex-wife but he never called her names, in fact she was like some kind of holy woman ‘the mother of my kids’. he said he would do anything to make her happy. (BIIIGG trigger for me, that sentence, but turned out the truth).

    So he then started saying that I had made zero effort with his kids (not true, I went to their sports events and got on with the daugther really well but the son refused to speak to me – and I did not force him).
    He knew I was shy and could not press myself onto these kids. It would have taken time. I felt sad for them and I was like an intruder – the feeling never went away.
    Siren Angel, what we had was not love, it was infatuation. I believe that now, not at the time but now. We were together 6 months. He also wanted to marry me. Thank Goodness I didn’t…I’d have moved into the old family home and taken up the place of the ex-wife…her side of the bed and her vanity etc. I cringe even just thinking about it.

    For me, honestly, even though I also hurt very much (I like the man very much, he is a good guy), now after 6 months, I feel so happy. I know it was the right decision. And I am so hesitant to ever step into that kind of situation again. When I read what you wrote about your outings with the kids etc, I have cold shivers running down my spine, honestly. I really really feel for you because I relate. Quite often I felt like one of his kids actually, with the ‘real’ ones ruling the roost and me fitting in – it reminded me of my childhood, that’s all I ever did, fit in or sit in a corner. I never had the guts to speak up for myself.

    Incidentally, my then boyfriend and MrP met one time when we were all at the same party. That was a shock for all of us (because MrP hardly ever comes to anything he is invited to, but he knew I’d be there so he came). MrP did not know I had a bf, and we hugged and chatted a bit, my bf saw that and he is not the jealous type at all, but whatever he saw on that night…the relationship was ‘over’ from then. MrP also was shocked to see I had a bf. He left pretty quickly with his two friends practically running out and my bf stopped him (I could not believe my eyes), practically jumped on him and grabbed his hand and said ‘I am ‘so and so’, aaah you are MrP, so nice to meet you’. Not only was that shocking, but that he knew who MrP actually was as there were 3 guys and I hugged all three and never said: ‘this is MrP’ – he just KNEW.
    MrP looked like he had been slapped and mumbled something ‘nice to meet you too’….OMG. I will never forget that scene. After that, my bf started acting very strangely, and the rest is history. Interestingly, bf was trying to talk MrP down, saying he looks like a womaniser etc (he doesn’t actually), while MrP was talking bf ‘up’, he said to me ‘oooh that’s quite a good looking guy you have there’. It is actually my ex bf who is the womaniser….I since found a bunch of fotos on the internet of him kissing lots of women..at parties. So there you go.
    To cut a long story short (I am babbling again)…in hindsight everything is clear what at the time is very much blurred.

    Siren Angel, if he broke up with you, it leaves you in a powerless situation. I personally would never go back to a man who broke up with me unless something big changes, and I felt absolutely secure that it would never happen again – or only if I wanted it to happen…difficult to explain. I don’t know.
    I am sure you are hurting, but I wonder if with time you might feel all happened for the best?
    From my split with my bf, it took about 3-4 months to reach the conclusion..I could be in Florida now having the time of my life and being financially secure and looked after. But now I see that I would have paid with my heart and soul. So I am happy to be penniless and in Europe, having saved my heart and soul…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:05am

  551. 551: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Smile!!
    I revisit the past all the time, and then feel bad about it, but your comment has struck me as wise.

    I believe that I re-visit the past to heal it..and look at it with different eyes, and learn from it.

    Now I feel better…thank you, happy, more please.

    I feel like revisiting the past will prepare me to not make the same mistakes again.

    Now back to the present. No dates, nothing this weekend just work. Pfff. Nevermind!! :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:11am

  552. 552: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    548

    Rebecca, I may be remembering incorrectly, so please forgive me if I’m wrong, but I remember how you were feeling when you came to the blog because people were feeling like this about you? Does this resonate? I feel a bit timid writing that, like I want to hide back in my shell. I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I’m trying to unpick it a bit more with you 

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:11am

  553. 553: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I just want to add he’s a really, really nice bloke. Sort of person who wouldn’t harm a fly. I just feel trapped by him if I’m out with other people, like I always have to check on him and make sure he’s alright. Then I feel really resentful, then I feel really guilty.

    I also feel slightly embarrased when I am ‘out’ with him. He is a lot older than me, over weight, bold, tall and slightly over bearing, a bit scruffy to say the least, always talks over everybody and he’s always ‘looking’ at me which makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I guess I’m a bit embarrased to be with him, and I feel super guilty about that. He is a nieghbour and he has been such a good friend and support system to me in my hour of need, but he seems to be eager to be included in every social engagement I have. If I meet a friend for a drink, he’ll just say ‘oh, I can come along if you want?’ – and I don’t know how to say ‘no, actually – i don’t want.’ but instead, inside i burning with resentment.. Lately he has manged to piggy back just abour everything i do.

    We speak sort of every day, he’ll probably phone me, or whatever, then there’s the enevitable question: what are you doing tonight? Later? The weekend? Etc… And i dread telling him because i know he will want to ‘come along’. To be honest i feel a bit used. He often jokes that his ex-girlfriend organised their social diary and they were continually doing things and had a wide circle of friends. I’m worried that he is seeing me the same way.

    Actually i do feel used but he is soooo nice i can’t say ‘no’ to him. I did try telling him i like to do these social events on my own (walking, hiking, running, meeting friends, meet up groups, etc) because i want to ‘meet’ somebody, ie a man, but it doesn’t deter him.

    Help!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:11am

  554. 554: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry if all of this is a bit rambly..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:12am

  555. 555: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hey tam, thanks. I use to think that feeling like this was a set back. I do have my wise eyes on now though this is true!

    Be thank ful for your work 

    Im thinking about moving now the big sign is actually up outside my house! Eek. Got to prepare the bedroom at mums before I do anything else.

    Looking forward to feeling busy busy busy 

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:15am

  556. 556: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, yes, you are right, i’m scared by the pattern but i ‘do’ see it.

    I really like this guy (not romantically) but i just want my own space – does this resonate?

    Or am i being selfish? I can’t see the wood for the trees but i feel super, super stressed.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:15am

  557. 557: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, can you trust that he will be okay without you checking on him. This might help you feel a bit less restricted. It feels like it’s you who is putting the pressure on you, not him…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:17am

  558. 558: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, please don’t feel timid around me – i love honesty. I know it’s scary though.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:17am

  559. 559: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, feels like he is just trying to find his own way. Maybe he wants to meet people just like you?

    I can relate to how it feels to have to rebuild your life again after a relationship ends. After I split with my childhood sweetheart of 10 years I suddenly found
    Yawls having to completely reinvent my life. This feels scary to do. But I was guilty of piggybacking to boost my confidence and find my way.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:21am

  560. 560: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile. I wish i could. When we’re out he never leaves my side and constantly talks to me and wants all my attention. He is very nervous when he is out and about, i feel pinned down by him, fenced in, that sort of thing. When we are out everything seems to become about him. Other people have noticed it too and most avoid him. I feel like a soft touch. Once he gets my attention he monopolises me. He doesn’t care that I might want to go off and chat. I feel suffocated. He also talks over me and doesn’t really listen to me. It’s not too bad when we areon our own, but i feel selfconscious and humiliated when i am in a group. I know he’s nervous so i do feel compassion too, but…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:22am

  561. 561: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, I do feel timid when I question something like that written down. You can’t ‘hear’ my caring voice. And I feel aware there is not body language to pick up on. Doing this still scares be a bit. But my squeaky voice is getting braver. I’m just sticking s leg out of the cacoon to test what it feels like. Feels like a soft gentle breeze. If a tornado were to arrive I’d jump straight back in lol.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:25am

  562. 562: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Aah Smile! I do hear your caring voice! Please don’t worry…

    I am just getting terrified of this bloke because he wants to piggy back ‘everything’ i do, and i feel like i am doing all the hard work and he is just tagging along. He doesn’t really have any friends, and i’m trying to encourge him to join his own groups etc..

    Yes, i do understand how difficult it is. I just feel like i’m managing him all the time. Not only does he invite himself along to things but he expects me to provide travel arrangements, tell him what he needs to bribg etc.. I am feeling like a ‘service’ not a ‘friend’..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:30am

  563. 563: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel guilty because i know he is lonely and he feels jealous when i tell him about all the stuff that i’ve been doing and then i feel guilty if i don’t let him come along. I feel like i’ve used him. It’s like i’m saying ‘hey, i only want to be friends with you when it suits me..’ i just feel soooo guilty and scared…. :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:33am

  564. 564: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, do you have to share all your plans with him? Maybe just invite him to some so he doesn’t have to ask. Could you feel proud that this man wants to spend time with your goddess self. Just trying to flip this round.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:33am

  565. 565: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohh, i feel stressed… Sorry i am spamming the blog. I feel ashamed that i’m not handling this better… And that i’ve got into yet another ‘unhealthy’ situation. All my friends tell me i’m too nice…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:35am

  566. 566: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, yeah i do feel proud. I feel angry because he asks me, and asks me until he gets an answer out of me. One time i said ‘hey, i’m not telling ya! I like to be mysterious.’ and then he looked really hurt and angry and i just felt giulty… He just shoots me these little boy lost looks… Then i end up telling him, inviting him, telling him what train to catch etc… I am a nightmare :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:38am

  567. 567: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel like a pathetic pushover. I am so scared to say ‘no’ to him. I have too many people like this is in my life… I have a fear that if i’m not all nice and friendly i will never hear from him again and that will leave me feeling bad and guilty… :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:40am

  568. 568: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    .. With my other neighbour i knew to respect him and give him his space. This other neighbour is not doing that with me.. I don’t understand what is going on or why i feel so stressed..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:44am

  569. 569: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve got myself in & out of these situations for the last 20 years and i really want it to stop.

    All i can imagine is my mum smugly making fun of me, like typical rebecca ha ha haaa… And ginding it mega mega funny.

    And now i just feel really angry thinking about that. Why does my mum have to make fun of me??? I feel like a child again.. A child still… I feel like saying ‘this is so unnnffaaiirrr’ and her laughing at me.., oh, i feel so sad and helpless..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:49am

  570. 570: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Rebecca, I feel hesitant to jump in and comment on your situation. I don’t post very often these days and feel awkward butting in. I wonder though if it might be helpful for you to see this as an opportunity to practise being authentic with a man. To practise saying no in a way that takes care of you without making him “wrong”. I know that you are worried about upsetting him but can you trust that he is able to handle his own feelings? You could practise some feeling messages to use with him here on the blog.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:54am

  571. 571: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl, i’m not sure where to begin with feeling messages because usually he asks me what i’m up to, then says oh, that sounds good (and he goes on and on about how he’s free, really wants to do that, has always wanted to go there, hint, hint, hint, that sort of thing) & then i say oh, you can come too if
    you want? (but feel very obliged to say this because he goes on and on…

    Last night was a classic case. I was talking about a trip me and a friend were taking with this hiking group we’re in, he is has joined the group too – of course i stupidly invited him too. He started saying oh, i really fancy that.. And going on and on about it. I just went deadly quiet, and he carried on talking and talking saying he wanted to go. Normally at this piont i would start enthusing too and say yeah, cool, sure come along! But i didn’t and his wholemood changed. He was like oooh you’ve gone all silent… And then there was an awkward silence and i eventually changed the subject but i felt sooo guilty…. :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:07am

  572. 572: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Then he jusg carried on talking like he was talking for England and i literally had to put the phone down on him. Now feel bad. Like i’m a bad person..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:09am

  573. 573: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder why this triggers you so much Rebecca?

    Maybe other more experienced sirens might identify something for you?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:16am

  574. 574: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good.

    In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

    For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

    When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

    I get triggered just as much as anyone.

    The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

    I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:20am

  575. 575: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I get triggered when people think my life isn’t full or I can’t be anywhere near as exhausted as they are because they have a child.

    I spend my whole day surrounded by 30, 5 year olds! That’s exhausting!

    I realise this is there exhaustion issue. Not mine.

    Im not getting as triggered about the not having children comments. Slather on the live. My time for a family will come.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:23am

  576. 576: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    *their
    *love

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:24am

  577. 577: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Just got out of the shower, shook myself like a dog lol! Felt my fat bits wobble… Oo I love my new velutious body  I’m ageing beautifully!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:26am

  578. 578: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Haha, sounds great Smile! My dog would then go and roll in the mud!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:31am

  579. 579: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhh Smile, thank you, that feels good to read. I will try and lather on the love… I feel so unloved by my mother, that’s where it all comes from. I feel she is continually nasty and putting. I actually feel physically ill when i’m around her. Wow, u feel vulnerable sharing this..

    But i guess the message is ‘i can love myself’…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:34am

  580. 580: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    *putting me down
    *I feel vulnerable (not u)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:36am

  581. 581: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, I don’t have much experience with clingy men. I remember a few posts back Radlove talked about a friend who just talked her head off on the phone. I think Radlove wrote her an email telling her how it felt to her. Maybe she can give you some clues as to how to word things.
    Don’t feel guilty about not inviting him, or saying nothing. It is waaay better than pretending that’s what you want and then feeling resentful towards him later. Silence can be authentic too.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:41am

  582. 582: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:41am

  583. 583: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Thii – my last date just sent me an text:

    “”Hi :-) Thanks for last, it was nice :-) Noticed that your nervousness released after a while too :-) ”

    Feels so darn good :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:14am

  584. 584: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl

    Thanks for this. I feel understood, I will ‘try’ and stand my ground..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:33am

  585. 585: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Triggers…

    The guy said…’ sorry, I could see you were going for that space too  ‘.

    I said ‘ it’s okay, I’m too happy to get triggered by a car parking space’

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:44am

  586. 586: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning Sirens!

    I am thinking of returning the promise ring. It doesn’t feel right on my wedding finger. At the same time, it feels too final to take it off. It is a pretty 3 silver bands Pandora ring with a small diamond set in yellow gold on the silver ring.

    I am also considering wearing it on my neck chain. I have a small pendant with 7 tiny diamonds that was given to me by my ex when I had little one on that chain and a shell angel wing also on that chain. They are special to me and adding the ring would keep it close to my heart.

    Another option is to move the ring to my right hand during this time.

    What do you all think?

    I would LOVE to have RORI’s advice here… What is the proper thing to do?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:17am

  587. 587: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl

    I’m just scared that if I don’t invite him along he will fall out with me. I get into this situation a lot with my friends, and it always ends up the same. I don’t dance to their tune and then I never hear from them again – so I just invite him along and be nice to him to keep the peace..

    Sorry I sound so victimy…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:17am

  588. 588: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow thank you Bloom-ing and Daria for your processings, they felt very powerful and healing to me.

    And I felt scared to read sometimes because I remembered my school years and silent treatment and I hear my NVs with voices of those “mean” girls and some of them my mother’s and some of my sister’s – are screaming at me…. I feel a lump in my throat and my hands feel tightened up … oh wow … I have girlfriends and I can say – it seems I even “don’t have any real interest in them” their lives etc … ouch it feels bad …. I feel “numb” about girlfriends … I often procrastinate to reply emails or messages from my girlfriends… numb … tightened up .. I can feel my block about this. I ‘interact’ with women … I don’t feel this vibe of warmth and ‘unity’ … Sometimes I don’t “identify” myself with women and being “mean” to them in my thoughts (OUCH!) … I feel fear… okay I feel afraid. my baby girl still feels afraid and don’t want to be hurt …..awwwwww… I am a safe place you know baby…. it’s a big aha moment for me…. mmmm….. but I care about my girlfriends. I really DO……they DO deserve my openness …. my heart unzipped…. oh my, I felt always so lucky to have my girlfriends… they are gems they are totally gems … thank you for peeling off this layer of fear. My baby girl can feel safe now. She is in a good safe place. I am a safe place. thank you. I don’t want to deprive me from joy of women community … maybe I could even love MYSELF more … *saucer eyes* ….. and …. and surrender could feel easier … and I could feel more ‘at home’ being in a feminine energy … and feel less “unworthy” in the presence of really musculine guys .. oh wow this pond feels deep…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:21am

  589. 589: StargirlNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca

    This guy needs to step up and use his boy energy to plan something for you! If you cave and use your boy energy to invite him to things, you aren’t leaning back and he won’t step up. Hmmm that’s just what I’m thinking. Lean back and attract real manliness.

    Be strong! Like Rori says, if he invites you to something and you are busy, say you are booked, don’t offer a new day. Either he will step up or not. You can practice using your feeing messages and being authentic. He can take it or leave it, but you don’t need to be an activity planner for him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:55am

  590. 590: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    ((Rebecca)) I’m not sure if this would feel true for you, but I had the thought reading your last comment (587) that maybe the reason you feel so triggered by this friend is that he is reflecting some of your own fears about being without friends? You experience him as clingy and without a life of his own, yet you are afraid to lose him or others as a friend and be left alone. I’m not sure I’m expressing myself very well here, hope I’m making sense.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:58am

  591. 591: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca to me he kinda sounds feminine energy playing the role of the convincer while you are playing the role of the resistor lacking boundaries. If it were me I would look at myself and how I am being from this perspective to see why I am attracting this energy in him. He sounds like the nice guy that we reject all the time without realizing it. I love RiverGirl’s suggestion.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:00am

  592. 592: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam @ 550

    Oh… I can so relate..e. It does seem like we have a very similar experience with a man with kids

    ”So he then started saying that I had made zero effort with his kids (not true, I went to their sports events and got on with the daugther really well but the son refused to speak to me – and I did not force him).”
    He has said the same to me recently about during the vacation, which is also very untrue. It makes me sad to be made wrong when there is no way I have all the blame with these kids, their behavior towards me and their mother’s influence for custody.

    ” I felt sad for them and I was like an intruder – the feeling never went away.” I have told M I feel like an intruder also, that they are a closely knit group and it is very difficult for us to be in there.

    “Quite often I felt like one of his kids actually, with the ‘real’ ones ruling the roost and me fitting in” EXACTLY! He makes us (me and kiddie) part of that group, but we don’t have the same ‘standing’. I have told him that is how I feel. Also, these kids have an air of entitlement that is really hard to describe, but I feel that deep down it comes from conscious and unconscious messages he (and the mother) sends them about this. It is really hard to explain, but we come ‘after’ for everything (ordering, playing and at the place we were staying the kids had decided on sleeping arrangements and I had to talk to M because we would have slept in separate rooms!) The only difference is that my kiddie also often feels like an outsider, which feels really bad to me. I really believe I wouldn’t care so much if it didn’t affect my child too. But that hurts.

    “Siren Angel, if he broke up with you, it leaves you in a powerless situation.” I know. I am leaning back, being very silent (on FB too).

    I noticed this morning he posted about the blue moon on FB from his mobile very late at night last night. I hadn’t seen a post from him in months actually, and then I noticed this one was ‘public’. I am beginning to fear he may have hidden his FB activity from me but this one came from his phone since he was probably out so it goes ‘public’. NV’s are starting…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:03am

  593. 593: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I don’t know what is the proper thing to do but I will tell you my first reaction was eewww why is she tying herself to these men? It struck me that wearing these things, especially near to your heart builds an unconscious block to other men’s energy really getting into you. I took of my ring but I still have it – emm somewhere.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:06am

  594. 594: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Stargirl

    Thanks for your input. I hadn’t thought about it like that. The truth is I think I am afraid to lean back. I think I like being in control. I’m scared if I lean back he’ll start inviting me to things that I’m not really interested – and I’ll feel the added pressure of feeling obliged.

    Hope this makes sense.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:11am

  595. 595: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I disagree that it is a powerless situation. As a matter of fact I see it is the opposite. Now you are powerful because all that energy that was draining ou out of you towards them can now be centered on you and living your life powefully making your own choices.

    Siren Angel I wonder what is your draw to this man? Ask yourself tough questions? Is it that he is financially stable or well off and you find him an attractive provider who can take you on lavish vacations? Harsh but might be worth looking at.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:11am

  596. 596: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It makes sense Rebecca. It is very masculine energy driven by fear and maybe guilt.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:13am

  597. 597: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am giving serious thoughts about wanting to meet and date any more men with children.

    Then again, it somehow feels safer if they do have kids. I feel I need to protect my youngest son. I would be afraid if a childless man manifested too much interest in my kiddie. Argh… it feels poignant in my tummy just thinking about this.

    Maybe a man with only one child would be best. That way the kids could have their own little group and they wouldn’t feel excluded.

    Lots of new boundaries showing up here. And I realize my list will make it more difficult to find a man and especially the right man.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:13am

  598. 598: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I would remain open if I were you. This is not the yardstick that most other families operate by. There are men out there who teach their kids good life lessons. I believe M is just not in a good space right now. When he gets to where he needs to be he will likely change his actions with his kids. Please don’t allow this fear to drive your decisions and actions.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:18am

  599. 599: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl, FW

    Yes, you are both making a lot of sense. This is guy is like my life line because he’s always there for me if I need moral support, help with a task in my home, a shoulder to cry on, just someone nice to spend time with in a friendly neighbourly way and I’m scared of losing that.

    Yes, it is reflecting my fear of losing people.

    Sometimes I sense like he’s playing games with me too. Sort of pretending that he’s not interested in coming along only because he wants me to persuade him otherwise. I guess he is being passive aggressive.

    A few months ago a friend emailed round a few of us asking us out for a drink. His name was on the list but he never mentioned it to me. I never mentioned it either.

    Anyway, I more or less forgot about it because I was so busy but decided to go at the last minute. Just as I was leaving my house he called me – I deliberately didn’t answer because I suspected he was going to play dumb and ask me where I was going. Then I would tell him he would be like ‘Oh, that’s tonight, yes, I was invited as well. Are you going? Shall I come along?’

    Anyway, I didn’t answer, I was busy catching the bus. We all met in the pub had a nice night etc…

    Anyway, the next day I heard from someone else that he had turned up at the pub but we had already left by that time. So it just leads me to believe he was going to ‘pretend’ he hadn’t known about it – because he obviously had.

    Gosh, I don’t know where I was going with this now, just rambling..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:18am

  600. 600: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca read it back and see if you can identify where you are judgemental of him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:22am

  601. 601: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @595,

    M is a recycled neuro-psychologist (4 years, was an accountant before and put his former family through financial distress during his 8 years of studying) but working in a hospital on a psychologist salary. He is ok off, but not ‘well off’. Also, he is looking at massive child support and ex-wife support payments for the next many years and wants to send his oldest to a specialized private school that costs about 10K a year because he has learning difficulties, and he can not afford this but will do it anyway. His parents are extremely well off but M drives a crummy old subaru and I don’t think they help financially unless there is a big issue. So no, it is not financial reasons at all. In fact, I have the possibility of making way more money in my job (but just changed jobs 2 months ago and was out of work for about 4 months). He did not help me financially but did offer to lend me money if I really needed it, but I managed and he did pay more for the vacation (but they are 4 and we are 2). There is no financial incentive here.

    I have been attracted to him for his sense of humour and because we (usually) have a lot of fun together with the kids and my kiddie adores him (more than he likes his kids actually). That felt safe.

    Also, we have a very special deep connection that started off romantic/sexual and is very connected now and still the sex is also great. He says he is terribly attracted to me, that he loves me and that he feels very connected to me. He is very feminine energy.

    I crave that connection, the sleeping in his arms, our time together, the fun times with the kids and our quiet time alone. The times we go hiking that feel so connected to the Universe. We once drifted asleep atop a moutain in the Adirondacks in each other’s arms.

    I feel sad that I may never find this again, this feeling of utter peace in his arms.

    At the same, I have suffered, if you remember, days without phone calls or set plans. But that had drastically changed and I was the one wanting more ‘alone’ time at home more recently. Mostly because I felt overwhelmed with my work and the kids and all.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:24am

  602. 602: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Everytime I don’t answer the phone to him he asks me what I was doing or where I was. I try and make a joke of it but I think it’s affecting me more than I thought.

    He’ll say things like were you busy? What were you doing? Were you having your tea? Were you busy? What were you doing? Were you out?

    And I just feel beaten down and obliged to answer him.

    Then he sort of launches into oh, I’ve been doing this, this and this, and this happened to me.. blah, blah, blah..

    Gosh, I guess I do feel like a listening post?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:25am

  603. 603: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Read it back to see if you can see lack of boundaries on his part. Then look in the mirror and see if you can see yourself through this.

    This is the kind of thing I do to become intimate with myself.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:26am

  604. 604: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @598,

    You are probably right. Maybe my boundary should be men who have finalized their divorce and custody. When I met M online he had been separated from his ex-wife 4 months and moved out about 2 and a half months. He had had some dates and some sex, but nothing serious.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:29am

  605. 605: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca I would share that I feel drained and overwhelmed by all the questioning.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:30am

  606. 606: TamNo Gravatar says:

    595..FW I agree with you there. By powerless I mean to say that the man has been holding the reigns in the relationship, manifested by him breaking up…he had the power.
    I would also say that now Siren Angel, you have the power to turn your life around and get back on your feet and set new boundaries maybe about how you and your son ought to be treated within a new relationship. I also believe the right man will show up once you are clear about what you want.
    And the right man may have no kids, one kid or many kids. I don’t think that this really matters, because what really matters is how he treats you and your son, and that you feel happy within the relationship.
    What do you think?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:30am

  607. 607: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I know you are right, it’s a total lack of boundaries with me. I let and bring people into my life but then find them clingy and self absorbed.

    But, yes, I do see it as a reflection of me, because deep down I do really like this person and the fact that he wants to spend time with me. I guess I feel guilty that he is acting this way around me because he is feeling uncomfortable in some way.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:31am

  608. 608: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I’ve tried to share how I feel about the questions etc, but then he just talks more. I’m afraid it makes him more nervous.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:32am

  609. 609: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Rebecca)))
    (((Insecure Clingy Men)))
    (((Men)))

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:32am

  610. 610: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I actually find it odd that he has the kids. If I were the mother I would want my kids. I also find it odd that his parents are well off and they don’t help. Also with this big picture I am wondering if he might be thinking what is it you see in him. He might even be seeing you as needy, wanting to be with him with all these issues and “baggage”.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:35am

  611. 611: TamNo Gravatar says:

    601 – while I read that I wonder, SA, if your connection to this man was a very ‘chemical’ one?
    I may have this entirely wrong, but it does remind me a little of my former relationship, where we were very into each other, physically, lots of PDA, everybody said we radiated something bla bla…long deep gazes into each other’s eyes, sunset walks on the beach like out of a commercial etc…in the end it was all just hot air….sorry if this is not very helpful, but I only regonised this about 3 months after the split. The fact a lot of it was ‘hot air’…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:35am

  612. 612: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca maybe it might help to keep repeating how you feel. It might also help to stop avoiding the truth and just tell him. Trust him to take care of his feelings of shame.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:37am

  613. 613: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam @606
    “now Siren Angel, you have the power to turn your life around and get back on your feet and set new boundaries maybe about how you and your son ought to be treated within a new relationship. I also believe the right man will show up once you are clear about what you want.”

    The thing is, it wasn’t always like this, it was a slow evolution into this, which feels scary and I feel like I wasted a lot of time. Although, I do admit this had become very clear during x-mas vacation. I should have run then I guess. But I thought that if he loved me enough, this would adjust. It never really did, it felt more like ‘compensation treat’ when we had our alone time together. His kids rule. Period.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:38am

  614. 614: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    611 Tam it reads like romance to me. It reads like being lost in your own world.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:39am

  615. 615: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm..

    I *hate* the thought that I am causing someone to feel insecure and clingy.. that scares me.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:39am

  616. 616: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I just turned 43. I have an 18 yr old and a 7 yr old. And I feel like I just wasted one and a half years of my precious time.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:40am

  617. 617: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I will try but I have a feeling he will argue with me and say oh, well you invited me, I really wasn’t bothered about coming at all, I was going to do this, this, and this… i thought you wanted me to come i was coming for your sake..

    and then there are times i want to include him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:41am

  618. 618: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    He does it on the phone to me as well. He gives me an ultra long monologue and then says very abruptly well, I HAVE to go now… like I am the one holding him up? confused??

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:42am

  619. 619: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    His kids rule. Period.

    Nah. I don’t believe that. He is not in a place in his life to really do the relationship you want. This is his easiet arsenal so he uses it as his crutch. He is enabling this because he wants to. I believe with another woman, the dynamic could be very different.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:43am

  620. 620: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel i am walking on egg shells with whatever i say – gosh this isn’t good. i think i may have to re-evaluate this friendship – i’m now not sure if it’s friendship at all..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:44am

  621. 621: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    How about saying I feel like a talking post and just hang up? You have to change something Rebecca to get his attention. It seems you freeze.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:45am

  622. 622: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca the thing is where are “you” insecure and clingy? and why don’t you like this person? You.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:46am

  623. 623: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, yes, it was like a romance for sure…..without the basis of friendship and deeper interest in the other person. It was largely a chemical reaction, I believe. In the cold light of day it didn’t last.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:48am

  624. 624: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @610,

    He only has them 4 days one week and then one day the following week and the summer they have one week/one week. The mother has more custody but they are still in court for custody and divorce and he was going for one week/one week all the time. Although he said he would only go for one week/one week if I will help (pick up the kids at school, etc) because he can’t handle it alone. I was facilitating him having more custody. In the end, the kids loose at their game and I feel really sorry for them. This thought came to me the other night. They had no idea their dad was going for one/one week but they had expressed that’s what they want. Unknown to them, I was instrumental in this plan. They have no idea what they have lost now and I feel bad that these tiny learning creatures striving for their dad’s attention just found a shot-gun in a closet and shot themselves with it by accident during unsupervised play time… Horrible image, I admit. But just imagery of their game and the result.

    Also, FW, you suggested on several occasions that he did not want me to mother his kids. From the beginning, I have felt he does want me to mother (but not parent) them and he blames me mostly for a ‘lack of connection’ with his kids. However, I promise you I have been very connected to them and I am feeling certain this is a game for them, that they do not grasp the consequences of, in their little kiddie heads and souls.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:49am

  625. 625: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    611 ; Tam. Ohh I feel soft and romantice when i read that. I cant see nothing wrong ith sweet romance. :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:49am

  626. 626: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Everytime I stretch in bed I get this massive muscle cramping in my right calf.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:49am

  627. 627: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I have more or less hung up on him a few times and then he’ll make out it was him who put the phone down on me and say oh, i thought it was me! sorry i was really tired and just put the phone down! And I’m like whhhaaaatttt??

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:51am

  628. 628: TamNo Gravatar says:

    There is nothing wrong with romance!!
    There was a lot wrong with everything else!!
    That was my point. Ugh, I feel misunderstood.
    And I don’t actually need the Hollywood movie style of romance, I would rather have someone who has my back day in day out. And not put the ex-wife and her cat’s happiness before mine ;)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:52am

  629. 629: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Yes, I do feel insecure and vulnerable because I feel like I’ve *shared* so much personal stuff with him, I feel scared he will use it against me. He knows my achilles heel so to speak. it’s like he’ll be okay then you go off, see if you can survive without me…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:53am

  630. 630: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @619

    ” This is his easiet arsenal so he uses it as his crutch. He is enabling this because he wants to.” Yes, probably.

    But that it would be different with another woman? No, not with how much I have done for these kids. And you need to take into consideration their attitude of ‘entitlement and rudeness’ … And certainly not with a commitment. Which in the end, I believe is the real issue here and the kids are the excuse because he would usually defend me and ask them to be polite. It changed overnight after the promise ring.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:53am

  631. 631: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel sorry to say this but that reads like an arrangement out of “convenience”. Maybe because he felt in your vibe that he can hook you with the kids so he can get what he wants. He might have reevaluated that. Also the kids might have been playing on that knowledge you just never know.

    How could he want you to be helping with the kids and then helping them to use that gun to shoot down his game?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:54am

  632. 632: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW Have you tried supplementing with magnesium for your cramps. It is my favourite mineral! :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:55am

  633. 633: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca the energy between you two feel like 2 kids playing a game. Noone being authentic. As Rori would say, you need to go first.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:56am

  634. 634: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I don’t like him because, truthfully, i find him a bit unattractive. Oh, that makes me feel yucky saying that. I guess i radiate that vibe.. he’s just a bit too in my face at times.. i feel a bit threatened.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:56am

  635. 635: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca read the topic of the article here.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:56am

  636. 636: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I just remembered something.

    He wrote to me on Match 3 times before I answered. He later told me he loved especially the part about wanting a relationship with kids because that is my reality and my life is very kid-centric when i have my little one.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:57am

  637. 637: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I sometimes use Calcium/Magnesium but haven’t been consistent lately. I notice when I use it the cramps are less pervasive or disappear.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:58am

  638. 638: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I agree, but I have a feeling we will just go round and round in circles..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:58am

  639. 639: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    There you go Siren Angel. That is the hook.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:58am

  640. 640: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So then Rebecca, you drop the ball. He will eventually look up and see himself as a dog going around in circles chasing his tail. Stop enabling his drama by participating.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:00am

  641. 641: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, feeling misunderstood, I am clarifying,

    “How could he want you to be helping with the kids and then helping them to use that gun to shoot down his game?”

    He wants me to help with the kids to get more custody. The kids don’t know he needs my help to get the custody arrangement they want. They don’t see the link between the custody and I. (But maybe the mother does and influences them for this to fail). They want more time with dad. They therefore decide to make life hard on me (telling lies, being rude, excluding my son, showing in every action they consider themselves superior). They get rid of me finally by convincing their dad to leave me and get more time. Dad does not go for 50/50 custody because he can’t pick them up and school and deal with it all alone. Kids found a shotgun (the game of playing of getting more attention from dad by ruling me out). Kids shot themselves with imaginary shotgun (they will not get the spend 50/50 with dad.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:04am

  642. 642: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Some men reflect back to us what we say we want by saying they want it too.

    Some men date out of “convenience”, not necessarily looking for romance. Men want us for a all kinds of reason. We have to be clear for ourselves what we want and what we will say no to.

    A man encouraged me to consider that I am a woman. A sensual, sexual being wanting romance. “Mother” is just a title/label I wear. He encouraged me to have a life.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:04am

  643. 643: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I now how this is relating to my other situation, with my other neighbour.

    I realise I was trying to hide all the things I felt he didn’t like about me, or make out they didn’t bother me. I felt I repulsed him.

    Interesting.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:05am

  644. 644: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I see what you are saying. Then M does not see it and use it as a ‘crutch’ and ‘excuse’ to get out.

    I feel confused.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:05am

  645. 645: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I will leave it now as I feel I am playing the convincer role. Maybe someone else will chime in.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:07am

  646. 646: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared he will use it against me.

    Rebecca maybe your actions are being run by this fear?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:09am

  647. 647: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca I would slather love on those parts of me that I have now identified.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:10am

  648. 648: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    It was ultra clear (was already anyway but now confirmed) to me the kids ARE playing that game (getting rid of me) VERY consciously the minute I heard 11 yr old telling his 7 yr old brother what to say to their dad ‘for him to get mad at me. that way we will get rid of her’ when he would get home after 11 yr old had been sent to his room (for 2 minutes) for yelling at me.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:12am

  649. 649: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FM @645, Sure. But I don’t see what you are trying to convince me of. thank you for your imput.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:13am

  650. 650: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    A man who wants a woman, and who has identified her as the one and who is convinced she will make his life happy forever throws caution to the wind and will throw himself off his boat at the peril of death to have her. His siren. He will say “I don’t care”.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:15am

  651. 651: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He did say he ‘wants to build something’. Maybe he wants a mother figure and help for his children more than he wants a real connection.

    Oh gosh, maybe I am like a prostitute to him, with sex and all, but no commitment. ARGH….

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:16am

  652. 652: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @650,

    Are you saying he would have chosen me no matter what (the kids) had I enticed him the Siren way? Or if he felt enough love for me? he would not have cared about the kids games/temporary whims about me?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:18am

  653. 653: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    And I have now taken off the promise ring and put on my neck chain. I do not belong to him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:19am

  654. 654: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    Maybe, I feel, if it were me, I would be extra, extra nice and understanding to the kids and I may even make a joke out of it and sort of come down to their level so they can feel safe to speak their mind and confide in me. In my experience children lash out when they are scared.

    I couldn’t imagine being 7 or 11 and my mummy and daddy weren’t living together anymore. If it were me I would be crying myself to sleep and pining for the other parent every night. I may even play up even worse than normal just to get my parents attention. I may also be thinking that if I play up enough my parents might get back together because I am only a very young kid and I want both my parents together.

    Sorry, if this sounds harsh, I know I would have felt like this if my parents had divorced.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:22am

  655. 655: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    It does not sound harsh at all. In fact, this is exactly what I have been doing. Getting close to them and talking with them and they do confide stuff in me. In fact, it often comes as a shock when M says to me that they said they don’t want me around anymore. Especially after the last weekend we had where 11 yr old was close (up to the moment he got sent to his room) and the 5 yr old was very close on Saturday because she did not feel well. I got her a treat with ‘fairy dust inside’ to make her feel better, and she was all over me.

    I do ‘go down to their level’ and I am really extra nice with them. Before I sent 11 yr old upstairs Sunday morning I had suggested other games to them, to play with them, but 11 yr old was in a butting heads mood and then started screaming and the little ones were crying. To which I sent him upstairs until I calm the situation for a total of 2 minutes…

    This feels unfair to me that they would turn around after this and say ‘they don’t want me around’. I even wonder if M is being totally honest about what they say, although I did hear 11 yr old plotting with 7 yr old on what to say to their dad when he would get home.

    I strongly believe the mother is feeding this for custody purposes. She has 2 much older children from a 1st marriage and apparently she was extremely conniving and managed to turn her 2 older kids completely against the dad and the dad’s partner.

    This should be no surprise then to M and my dissapointment is that he does not see this picture and does not want to find a solution for our relationship to continue and florish. And my questionning is on the REAL reasons he broke up.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:34am

  656. 656: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I have been through my own parents divorce, and yes I can relate to it. I understand where and why they are coming from.

    My problem is with how M is quick to ‘throw in the towel’ and how he chooses to not see all the elements at play here.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:37am

  657. 657: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    My problem is not with the kids, because I believe they are kids that are learning and that have deep rooted unexpressed needs and they will tend to take actions and make mistakes to get what they want. I understand and feel compassion for them.

    My problem is that M chooses to see his kids in a ‘perfect, no issues’ light when in fact they are reaching out, and chooses to break up with me, thinking this may somehow ‘fix’ things for his kids.

    I believe in fact it will make things worse.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:40am

  658. 658: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Anyway, I feel spent.
    I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know if he would have ever truly stepped up or ran away.
    I don’t know if it is really about the kids.
    I just don’t know.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:43am

  659. 659: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Children tend to blame themselves for causing their parents to break up.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:49am

  660. 660: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    siren angel, the kids will miss you

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:49am

  661. 661: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    It it were me, and I was 5 years old I would be thinking ‘but she’s still not my mummy’. No fairy dust in the world can change that.

    Maybe M is just being an over protective dad. I guess he feels guilty for already putting them through so much.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:50am

  662. 662: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel it is easy for him to say it is because of the kids. That way you carry it in your vibe unconsciously that they are the villains. With that he has to protect his kids.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:51am

  663. 663: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I even question if they turn around and said they don’t want you around. It all just sounds too convenient.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:53am

  664. 664: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 652 Yep. Men go for what they want. Attraction is not logical.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:56am

  665. 665: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    It feels sad to hear you describe the children’s mother as conniving. I wonder what energy and vide that sends out. Can you feel any sympathy for her?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:56am

  666. 666: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel can you see how he has colored your opinion about people in his life?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:02am

  667. 667: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I believe “I just don’t know” is a good place to be. That way you can turn your attention to your feelings rather than your intellect.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:04am

  668. 668: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

    It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment. And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road. The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/page/2/

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:07am

  669. 669: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW and Rebecca,

    The opinion I have of the mother is a much more sympathetic one that the one he relays to me. Yes, I can see how my ‘feeling/thinking/knowing’ she is conniving comes from M. I never put the mother down in any way with the kids, in fact I play her up to them.

    Yes, I can see how he has colored my opinion of the kids/mother.

    Then, I wonder if it was the commitment, if he just needs to run away for a while (again) or if I was not a Siren enough, although I have never stopped my feeling messages from the heart and see he has and is still touched by them.

    But something has changed in his ‘gut feeling’ about me. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the fear of commitment.

    The guy he went to play tennis with on Sunday morning is very active on Match and constantly reports stories of seducing women and how he gets to sleep with them and how he’s found the perfect ‘technique’. I wonder if this had something to do with the ‘tipping over’.

    I feel very confused and unsure.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:10am

  670. 670: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Being a warrior for yourself is holding the line. It’s standing your ground. Its boundaries with a big capital B. It just means you won’t be pushed backwards from that line. It just means you won’t be pushed over. It just means you won’t lay down on the ground at his feet and do what ever it takes to keep him.

    It doesn’t even mean fighting or attacking the other voices in your own head that are confusing you and disturbing you. It’s owning all the other voices no matter how nasty they sound. It’s about being a warrior of yourself that’s in CHARGE of all of these voices. It’s knowing that all of these voices and everything about you is ONE. That you are all-of-a-piece. That you are one whole person. That you have facets just like a magnificent crystal and that the crystal of you is whole.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/page/3/

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:12am

  671. 671: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    That guy (tennis) makes me feel ‘icky’.

    He even said to me at a supper about 2 months ago to let him know if I am no longer with M (when M had left the table for a few minutes). I felt appalled!

    And to top it all off, he tried calling at my house last night. I did not pick up and felt terrified and disgusted. The gall.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:14am

  672. 672: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Now – let’s take this out into all our experience. This is about being so attached to any one man that you cut off the possibilities of other great men finding you. It’s like putting a fence around yourself that’s marked with the man-you’re- zeroed-in-on’s name. It’s like he’s peed on you, and marked you as his territory, and you’re showing his urine stain to the world.

    I know that was a really harsh metaphor – but I want to really drive this home. Even just THINKING about a man is letting him “mark” you – and I don’t want you to do that!

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/page/4/

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:14am

  673. 673: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    If this is the case and he feels little sympathy for his wife, but you do, could it be that your ‘gut feeling’ has changed towards him? Are you worried about his lack of compassion?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:14am

  674. 674: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    eeeewww I wonder why M is friendly with him?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:17am

  675. 675: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @674,

    I let is slide. He had only played tennis with him once before a few months ago and is just an acquaintaince, not a real ‘friend’. I didn’t think much of it.

    However, the tennis invitation must have come from M. And I do wonder why he needed to ‘bond’ with him at this time knowing he will talk about his recent exploits on Match.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:21am

  676. 676: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Remember in Pretty Woman? When Richard Gere’s lawyer made a move on Julia she shared it with him and then Richard almost killed the guy when he made a comment?

    When a man loves a woman
    Can’t keep his mind on nothing else
    He’d trade the world
    For a good thing he’s found
    If she is bad, he can’t see it
    She can do no wrong
    Turn his back on his best friend
    If he puts her down

    When a man loves a woman
    Spend his very last dime
    Trying to hold on to what he needs
    He’d give up all his comforts
    And sleep out in the rain
    If she said that’s the way
    It ought to be

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:22am

  677. 677: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    He has always (especially in the first year after their separation) been harsh towards his ex-wife. But I am told many divorces end bitterly. Yes, I did wonder about it and asked him to please not call her a B^tch because it feels bad.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:23am

  678. 678: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I guess she dumped him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:24am

  679. 679: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    I’m wondering if the line ‘But I am told many divorces end bitterly’ makes it more bearable? Somehow M doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his feelings. That is what I am hearing..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:25am

  680. 680: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I understand your point. That if he truly loves me he would stand by me. However, I also feel that this may be at times tainted when it comes to his own flesh and blood, especially kids. He may be angry at me right now and not in touch with the most loving feelings toward me and may also be angry at himself and looking for some sort of easy escape from his worries.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:26am

  681. 681: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    And here’s my very provocative answer (provocative to men, especially, who argue with me about this all the time – though they KNOW I’m right and tell other MEN and their little sisters and women friends the same thing):

    If you are dating a man – you let him know that you’re either dating or engaged, and that you’re looking to be married.

    After a couple of months of dating a man, perhaps sleeping with him (which I don’t recommend – there just needs to be an exception clause for young women, women who really want to be sexual and want to try to handle it) – sex, in my opinion has to be exclusive – but not DATING – if he’s still dating other women, I’d drop him like a hot potato.

    In other words – once you let him know you want to be married – and that otherwise you’re dating – if he does NOT move to claim you right away – if he STILL feels the need to be with other women, if he isn’t ready – then you continue to date him and date others, UNLESS or UNTIL it doesn’t feel good to you. Then you drop him.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/page/4/

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:27am

  682. 682: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    He left her. They had a very rocky marriage from the start and he cheated on her in the last months of their 10 year marriage. I wonder in any case if he can ever be happy in a committed relationship. He says that is what he wants, but I wonder if it makes him restless somehow.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:28am

  683. 683: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He has no reason to be angry at you. You did not cheat on him and you did not physically hurt him or the kids.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:29am

  684. 684: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    I do tell him I find the word ‘b’ offensive to women, especially to the mother of his children. I don’t make it easy for him to use that word around me and when it slips out (about the mother) he apologizes.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:31am

  685. 685: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yes. He is a cheat. He cheats when the going gets tough. Maybe his true colors. Maybe he needs to do some growing up. Maybe not in a place to do real relationship. Lot of maybes that really doesn’t matter as they are his business and his issues to take care of.

    Time to live and thrive Siren Angel.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:31am

  686. 686: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @683,

    He says I did hurt the kids! Not physically of course. But to him, he says the kids don’t like me anymore and don’t want me around so it must be that I have talked badly to them (they did lie to him, particularly about one conversation on a ferry during vacation). He may believe them 100% and believe that I somehow hurt them. I do sense anger from him and I felt it during the vacation and shortly after. I feel resentment from him towards me that the kids have ‘turned’ against me.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:33am

  687. 687: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    You miss my point. I was saying the party line of Some divorces end bitterly, is hiding a multitude of emotions and feelings underneath. Do you see what I am getting at. It’s not just about using one nasty word in front of you, it’s about what’s going on with him, and what you are picking up from it in your ‘gut’. Do you see where I’m going with this?

    Sorry to sound harsh..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:34am

  688. 688: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW:

    “Time to live and thrive Siren Angel.” Thank you.

    But I need to heal first. I miss and love him and I know I will miss the kids too. Right now it’s painful.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:35am

  689. 689: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    You mean the gut feeling that if he treats the mother of his children that way, then it shows some of his deep rooted feelings for women in general? YES, I see it.

    He does however value and respect his mother very much and also has a lot of deep friendships with women, that shows something else.

    I don’t have a definite opinion of him on this.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:39am

  690. 690: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    The other times we broke up he would repost a profile, so yes I know this will be his tendency to cheat, even for a mild break-up (last summer).
    And it has terribly bothered me to see this trait in him.
    He is a rubberband-man for sure. He is close, then withdraws. That I can say about him. However, he is fiercely honest and if something was up, I would know immediately, which kind of makes me feel safer. But he changes from day to day, he is a Gemini, and this has been painful for me.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:43am

  691. 691: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    (((((siren angel)))))

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:44am

  692. 692: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Just to be clear , he did not cheat, but had reposted profiles during short (2 week) breakups, sometimes the very same day as the break-up.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:44am

  693. 693: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “630: Siren Angel says:

    FW @619

    ” This is his easiet arsenal so he uses it as his crutch. He is enabling this because he wants to.” Yes, probably.

    But that it would be different with another woman? No, not with how much I have done for these kids. And you need to take into consideration their attitude of ‘entitlement and rudeness’ … And certainly not with a commitment. Which in the end, I believe is the real issue here and the kids are the excuse because he would usually defend me and ask them to be polite. It changed overnight after the promise ring.”

    I believe it would be different with a different woman if he felt she was the one and he was inspired to step up.

    In order for him to be different the woman would have to be different.

    At this moment in time though I feel in agreement with Dominque he KNOWS he is is NO position to offer you what you want.

    I would want to look inside myself and ask why am I attracted to a man who is unable to give me what I want and unavailable to give me this at this moment in time?
    What is the mirror, lesson and take away from this man?
    What is my lesson I need to learn so I am able to move forward?

    As an observer. It appears to me that you want a man who will discipline his children with consistent action when they cross a boundary .
    And whose boundries and actions in a childcare situation match yours.
    Is that what you want?
    Do you think this man wants to or is able or is a match for what you want?
    Do you think he is compatible?

    Also if he has broken up with you, how can he possibly be what you want?

    Rori says to put an image of the realtionship we want in front of us, not one particular man CD and see which is the best man for the job, who steps forward and offers us what we want, Then we choose the best man for the job.

    What do you think?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:45am

  694. 694: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, he sounds lame… What am I even doing with him?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:46am

  695. 695: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “also has a lot of deep friendships with women” hhmph

    “he says the kids don’t like me anymore and don’t want me around so it must be that I have talked badly to them (they did lie to him, particularly about one conversation on a ferry during vacation”
    He is making out the kids to be the villains and you are buying into it – hook, line and sinker. Giving him more reason to separate you. Maybe I am just cynical and don’t believe everything I hear.

    “He says I did hurt the kids!” – how by separating them when they were fighting.

    Sounds like excuses to me ala horsecrap.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:46am

  696. 696: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Siren also

    If he is calling another woman a b!@ttch and complaining, he still is attracted to and wants this.
    And has issues about women.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:47am

  697. 697: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 692 Read that back again Siren Angel and see if you see there a man who is sure he has his woman who he is devoted to.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:50am

  698. 698: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    683: Femininewoman says:

    “He has no reason to be angry at you. You did not cheat on him and you did not physically hurt him or the kids.”

    Everyone feelings belong to them.
    To say someone has no reson to feel like they do is invalidating them as a person.
    It is not our business to say to someone else they have no reason to feel what they feel.

    Their feelings are theirs and theirs alone.

    If he is angry he is angry. It is what it is.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:52am

  699. 699: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie,

    I (and he) see and recognize his pattern. It would be NO different with another woman.

    I promise you, this man loves and adores me, is terribly attracted to me andoen a total Siren.

    However, he is angry right now, very similar to first 2 break-ups and I believe he really is afraid of commitment. He keeps going from promising, making ‘a plan’ for months, then stalling and finally back-tracking and then it starts all over again.

    Maybe I have not been enough of a Siren, or his Kids really do have first and foremost priority and he is in panick mode of making them happy, but I feel right now he is angry at me and needs to escape like before.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:53am

  700. 700: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Annie I said he had “no reason” based on the information that was shared. In other words Siren Angel is saying he is angry and rationalising his behavior. I actually don’t believe he is angry because I have not read where she said he specifically stated that he felt angry at her. Have you?

    Or maybe I missed that.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:56am

  701. 701: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW 697,

    I reread. Yes, you are right. But it comes and goes (totally sure – not sure) all the time!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:56am

  702. 702: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    694: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    !Ok, he sounds lame… What am I even doing with him?!

    That feels like a good question to me Siren.

    What deal is he offering you at this moment in time?
    Is he offering you anything at all?
    The way I see it is if he is offering you nothing he is nothing to you next.

    What do you think?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:56am

  703. 703: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel how has he expressed his anger?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:57am

  704. 704: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    No he did not say he was angry. I said he was angry. Because it is what I feel, like the last 2 times we broke up.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:57am

  705. 705: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    700: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Annie I said he had “no reason” based on the information that was shared. In other words Siren Angel is saying he is angry and rationalising his behavior. I actually don’t believe he is angry because I have not read where she said he specifically stated that he felt angry at her. Have you?

    Or maybe I missed that.”

    Ah ok fair enough. Misread.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:58am

  706. 706: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He has said that the break up is not easy for him, that it is not what he wants, and has repeated this and that he loves me, but that he has no choice because the kids will not see me anymore and he is afraid of their mother with the custody court.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:59am

  707. 707: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I feel resentment from him towards me that the kids have ‘turned’ against me”.

    Very interesting statement.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:00am

  708. 708: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I do believe he might be angry, but at himself.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:01am

  709. 709: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    He does not recognize his own anger (an issue of his actually, we all have our quirks) but it is very apparent in this stance and his words. When he said and he did use the words that I ‘hurt his children’ with the way I spoke to them, he was emotional and quivering with anger.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:01am

  710. 710: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So now the thing that attracted him to you in your profile is what is pulling you apart?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:03am

  711. 711: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    707, yes, he TOTALLY blames me 100% for the kids not liking me anymore. It is all my fault.

    And he has also used the words ‘it’s all your fault’ with me, which shows anger and resentment, no?

    And no, I do not like being resented for something I can’t control (kids, mother, ect) and this feels unfair.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:04am

  712. 712: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Siren “However, he is angry right now, very similar to first 2 break-ups and I believe he really is afraid of commitment. He keeps going from promising, making ‘a plan’ for months, then stalling and finally back-tracking and then it starts all over again.”

    I am with Dominique on this He knows he is no position to offer what you want which is any real commitment and so offered you a promise ring as a pacifier.

    If he has broken up with you he is now offering you what?
    And if he comes back if you leave him alone what do you think will he can and is able to offer you that is any different until such a time that his divorce is finalized?

    At this moment in time if he has broken up surely he is offering you nothing.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:05am

  713. 713: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 709 I am wondering if it is because he had an agenda for you in his life to get out of the custody battle, for appearances sake? But you have taken it a little step further, out of the ideal situation he thought he had set up?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:05am

  714. 714: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Siren “When he said and he did use the words that I ‘hurt his children’ with the way I spoke to them, he was emotional and quivering with anger.”

    That is his projected thoughts that he is projecting onto you, they have nothing to do with you and are all his stuff.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:06am

  715. 715: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @710,

    Maybe he chose me because he thought I would be easy to like by his kids and it would make life easy for him.

    I also think he chose me for other reasons of course, but yes the 1st interest was the phrase about having my life very kid-centric.

    His kids are a handful. I cannot express. I have many friends with kids and I have never seen a bunch like this. I do love them no matter what.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:07am

  716. 716: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It is your fault to me shows blame and maybe criticism. Not anger and resentment. These are excuses and ways of being men use when they want to pull apart relationships.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:07am

  717. 717: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel maybe I am wrong but I would take the kid centric comment out of my profile. You are dating for a relationship and romance with a man.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:09am

  718. 718: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Sometimes, when a spouse realizes that they cannot ignore or get out of a conversation, they may try to shut you down and stop you cold by counter-attacking you”.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:10am

  719. 719: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Big hugs. XXX

    And at the end of the day.
    What do you REALLY want?
    What is he REALLY offering?
    Do you think what you want and what he is offering are a match?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:11am

  720. 720: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    He has often has things that he says that slip out that make me wonder about his real intentions.

    - Said he likes the apartment complex he is in now and could stay for years (not enough rooms for us with all the kids)

    - That he wants something that will last a good 10 to 20 years, then other times a lifetime. Most recently though, it has been a lifetime.

    - He signed an agreement with his ex wife that she could stay in the house they own until July 2013, postponing our plans to move in together. He jumped on this piece of the agreement during temporary court negociation, no questions or counter-offer on this point.

    And I just have a general gut feeling this would go on and on with the break-ups… I don’t know really.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:15am

  721. 721: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie,

    Thank you for the questionning, I am pondering them. I don’t really know anything other than I want something stable and this is not what he has been offering. I want a marriage and he stalls although he says it’s on it’s way. I want a family life for my kiddies that is fun yes, but also safe and harmonious.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:19am

  722. 722: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel read through the Tragetting Mr. Right category. Rori talks about what to do when you want marriage and the make keeps stalling. Though after all that you have said I don’t see M signing divorce papers and immediately signing marriage license after.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:22am

  723. 723: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow this saying just made a lot of sense to me reading Rori’s eNewsLetter.

    So what he needs, in the middle of all this mental activity and bombardment, is for YOU to offer him FEELINGS. Emotions. Real, honest, gut-level feelings – expressed in a way he can HEAR – that can return him to being a human being.

    Feelings Are Very Different From What He’s Used To

    And your success at getting through to him and creating connection is all about HOW you express those feelings. What you say as well as what you don’t say.

    There’s a quote that goes like this:

    “It’s the space between the bars that holds the tiger.”

    And so it is with a man. When you know which words to say – and which to leave out – you create a safe space for both of you. A safe space to express your true feelings, and a safe space that will HOLD a man in a way that feels blissful to him.

    Creating and “holding” this “space between the bars” for a man is a skill.

    And once you learn the skill of knowing what to say and what not to say – you give a man the chance to be the hero he WANTS to be for you.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:30am

  724. 724: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    232
    Laughing Goddess

    I feel warm and fuzzy, thank you yes, kindred spirits, yes. I’m feeling more and more to hone laser sharp focus on what I’m wanting and ignore the rest to the best of my ability.

    Since that post I’ve felt triggered a couple of times in “real” life and they have been whispersoft…validating that focusing on vibrational affinity is drawing more softness and gentleness and more of what I know is possible to me.
    This morning I’m feeling raw and tender and have felt love moving through channels that have been blocked for a long time. I stopped in a grocery store parking lot last night to bawl my eyes out..it felt so good and so sweet to touch that love inside of myself and it bubbled through like tears which I’m sure looked awful to people walking by but I opened my eyes to see a woman standing by my car watching me. I rolled down my window and she asked if I was okay and I bubblecrylaughed and she said, “We all have pain, you aren’t alone. After my mother died, I would stop in this parking lot and cry, and it would feel so good, it was like a stressbuster. I feel like she’s guiding me now.”
    Which of course made me cry harder and I just don’t know how to explain it, but it felt so blissful to cry unhindered and laughcry and hold my heart and receive this woman’s compassion. It felt gentle and yummy and felt like love to me. We talked for a few more minutes and I moved on.

    This morning, more release, feeling more and deeper love. I cried and released more, and again it felt so good, so blissful, I felt my heart was crying a prayer beyond words and I felt so delicious, I felt heard by God/Source/AllThatIs…I’m going to have to increase my vocabulary to try to describe these feelings. I realized that when I let the little one really feel her feelings and cry her heart out when her mommy has to leave for work, she’s crying her own prayer to the universe and to the future and I know she’ll want to help create a world where mommies don’t have to leave their little ones just to make a few dollars to try to keep a roof over their heads when all space, all materials, everything is freely given to us by the planet and by life.

    So…
    Also,
    I watched Thankyouhappymoreplease last night and
    bawled my eyes out watching it. I just lost it and wailed through that one, too, the stories were very healing for me and I feel more and more that I’m riding waves of bliss. I LOVE to cry, love love LOVE to cry, it just feels so good I can’t explain it.

    Last night I went to a “conscious rave” and got lots of hot sweaty grippy hugs, it felt good to be recognized for my smile.

    What I really came back for to ask about today is
    I want to hear about the Heart Connection Toolkit.
    What I really really really want, is just a bunch of tools and meditations, like a big collection of Rori’s visualizations and metaphors all in one place. I’m not so crazy for scripts right now so I wonder how it compares with the other programs. I have nearly everything of hers except for that, and I want something I can listen to when I drive without all of the extra explaining. I’d have to put it on a credit card so I want to be sure it’s really worth going into more debt over before I buy it.

    For those of you who have it, what do you think?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:18am

  725. 725: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess

    Also…I think I remember you talking about going to Shambhala? I wonder if you’ve heard of Beloved? This year’s festival just passed but if that’s the kind of festival culture you are into, I’d say it’s the most exquisite of the bunch…the kind of festival where you can leave money lying in the open on a blanket all day and come back and it’s still there. Consciously created heaven on earth.

    And if you like Goddess Alchemy Project, I wonder if you’ve heard Matisyahu’s “Light”? My lover gifted me with MC Yogi cd’s last Sunday which have also been carrying my through the week. Also check out Tina Malia “The Silent Awakening”.

    I used to give massages to the CD and would bliss out and melt into my clients and they would cry and I would cry and remember and it felt luscious and expansive :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4jmZN6uyV8

    “I dreamt I was born a girl
    Living alone in the world
    Passing the hours away
    …I looked into the face of sorrow
    Tempted by the taste of tomorrow
    And the scent of yesterday

    But that was only a dream of a dream
    This world is not what it seems
    we are the wind that carries the seeds,
    we are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony,
    We are the silent awakening

    We are only a dream of a dream
    This world is not what it seems
    We are the wind that carries the seeds
    We are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony
    We are the silent awakening

    I dreamt that I could not find you
    Always was a step behind you
    Could not see your face
    Wandering around the maze of illusions dusty haze
    Soul with no resting place

    It was only a dream of a dream
    This world it not what it seems
    We are the wind that carries the seeds
    We are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony
    We are the silent awakening

    We are only a dream of a dream
    This world is not what it seems
    We are the wind that carries the seeds
    We are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony
    We are the silent awakening

    And only love can lift the veil
    The veil away
    Only love can take its place
    And I travelled long and far
    Just to come home to your grace

    We are only a dream of a dream
    This world is not what it seems
    We are the wind that carries the seeds
    We are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony
    We are the silent awakening

    We are only a dream of a dream of a dream
    This world is not what it seems
    We are the wind that carries the seeds
    We are the roots of the banyan tree
    We are love offered on the wing
    That stretches across eternity, across eternity
    We are a chord in life’s symphony
    We are the silent awakening, silent awakening”
    ~Tina Malia~

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:27am

  726. 726: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling nostalgia, awe, gratitude, and appreciation for myself right now.
    I wrote my first FM in 1976, when I was 5. My parents sent me to my room for I don’t remember what.
    Funny how I don’t remember what I was punished for, only the punishment.
    I remember writing, “When you make me go away and don’t talk to me, it feels really bad and makes me feel like you don’t love me,” on a yellow legal pad and stuffing the note under the door. I remember the flurry of conversation when my parents found it, and remember how flummoxed they were.
    How wonderful to have been born with so much wisdom! They sure tried to beat it out of me but HA!
    Love is stronger.
    Love will always find a way.
    I have always fantasized myself as the kind of woman embodying such a deep, abiding, enveloping love that even the wildest of creatures curl up at my feet with just a look or a touch. Kind of like a demon-whisperer, haha or a life-whisperer. More and more I feel like I am becoming that woman.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:50am

  727. 727: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Belle,
    It feels good and soft and deep reading your posts!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:58am

  728. 728: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    :( some days I just don’t feel satisfied. I find I feel like this a lot when I have nothing to do. Even though I’ve just come back from having a gorgeous lunch at my friends. And I have tons of work and moving related this I could do now. I think it’s because it’s sunny and I would love to be spending time outside with friends. I have a lot of friends I am truly blessed but Sometimes I have to accept that not everyone is available to play out. I feel happy in my own company most of the time. I just feel restless. so what’s my problem?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:14am

  729. 729: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling blue 

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:16am

  730. 730: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I know it feels crappy – but here’s the truth – things feel chaotic and stirred up right before you leap into a new level of consciousness and experience.

    The trick is to ride the wave of the anxiety and other feelings rather than trying to figure them out.

    Just EMBRACING everything you feel, sitting with it – not trying to DO anything about it.

    It’s natural to bounce around out of fear… – yes, we all fear what we want, and intimacy is the number one fear of all of us.

    We fear merging, and want to merge – and intimacy feels like merging – but it isn’t.

    You have to stay whole enough to be intimate – so that’s the trick.

    You are DOING this!

    For you – not “spewing” out the energy that’s welling up inside you is key – write it out instead, or talk to yourself in the mirror.

    Breathe, practice going inside, and way outside rather than hanging in your head.

    Touch things, dance, move…

    What I think would be the best thing for us to do is script.

    We could take ever single conversation and argument you’ve had, and redo them differently.

    Just keep doing what you’re doing… and fear is part of the teacher, here….

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:27am

  731. 731: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm maybe my anxiety means something new and exciting is about to happen! Thanks Rori!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:28am

  732. 732: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    My anxiety feels like a tiny little panic in my chest. Like I’m waiting for something to happen. I want to do something but I’m not sure what…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:29am

  733. 733: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Im just going to sit and feel instead.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:31am

  734. 734: TamNo Gravatar says:

    728 – Smile, I feel similarly, not sure what’s up with that. Anxious inside….and bored at the same time, and I even have to work tomorrow.
    Happy that I am in Florida in 4 weeks time and at the same time really scared about that.
    Also not sure what’s up with that.
    So many fears.
    I wish I could start with a clean slate and wipe out my memory of the lat two years, men and all.
    Ugh.
    No plans for tonight…ugh.
    Aaaaaaargh.
    I feel scared.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:33am

  735. 735: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Restless yup.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:34am

  736. 736: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Come over if you want tam lol. We could watch Happy Thank you More Please!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:37am

  737. 737: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I’d love to Smile!!!! Aw. Shame I can’t :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:19am

  738. 738: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    It’s provinging impossible to get hold of this movie too… I wonder if another sirens managed to track it down?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:32am

  739. 739: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile I imntend to check withj the library

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:59am

  740. 740: StargirlNo Gravatar says:

    SA

    I like what FW said in 667 about using not knowing to tap into feelings. I should try that.

    I dated a guy who had a little girl. It was sweet that he cared so much about his daughter, but he was also a bit controlling. Sometimes he treated us both the same, like scolding us for playing in a restaurant. He thought it would be great if I could take care of his daughter sometimes while he was working. Later this seemed kind of like he wanted a babysitter. I am not sure what I could’ve done to make it work, but I felt like he was not in a good place for me to continue the relationship.

    I agree that it is a problem that M doesn’t defend you when it comes to the kids. It would feel better if he defended you without you having to explain why you need this.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:01pm

  741. 741: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Fw, did you ever find Rori’s reference about men who lie to themselves?
    I haven’t seen it anywhere..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:02pm

  742. 742: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I haven’t looked through the emails yet. But I will and let you know

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:13pm

  743. 743: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, no worries FW, and thank you…thought I might have missed something :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:16pm

  744. 744: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Bingo FW! It’s in at my library at the end of the road! I forget about the library for DVDs. Thank you 

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:18pm

  745. 745: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens. Read a bit of the latest out here.

    sending a hug to (siren angel)

    I have encountered similar circumstances. Not with kids involved really, but I mean being with a man that says one thing but does another and then repeats it over and over. From your posts I read a subliminal making allowance for him and all of this…. I have done it… and it caused me to linger and keep myself engaged in the drama. It comes to my heart to suggest a need to draw boundries, and refocus… find your bridge again or horse and get busy again with your goals, what you want to feel and what you need. What do you think about doing that? This man (bless his heart) in your life and is not in a place of being settled etc. I know it is hard hard hard to step away . One of my sayings in my mantra is “People will treat you the way that you let them”…. You cant control the kids, him or the ex wife, but you do have control over you. Knowing that you are loving yourself first would feel good to read.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:38pm

  746. 746: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Just wanted to check in… I finally got my profile re written. So far my inbox as some great emails in it.

    I put in a part about getting to know me that I tried to speak in what I read was man-eze” lol

    It says….

    If you get to know me you will…

    see my smile more often than my frown
    learn that I would rather watch an action movie than a chick-flick
    see me wear a touch of animal print often
    observe that my nails will always be done
    be nicely surprised when I kiss you passionately at unexpected times and places
    think of me when you are in an elevator
    eat a good home cooked meal often
    let me see if you are ticklish
    be asked to watch a sunset with me or join me in a spontaneous excursion
    find out I love to laugh but I cant tell a joke if my life depended on it
    discover I would rather be outside than inside
    learn that “thingy” has many meanings
    ocassionally smoke a cigar with me ?
    never hear me say “I am not in the mood”

    I actually had fun with this part. It feels like the playful side of me.

    I am meeting the older man tomorrow for dinner. Bless his heart, he has called or emailed me every day this week. I am keeping an open mind. He has a message for me the very least!

    Ended my profile with this….I have made a commitment to living my life with an open heart and experiencing the reality of my hopes and dreams. Looking forward to to hearing from you, who knows maybe for the rest of my life!

    So far so good. It feels good today.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 12:59pm

  747. 747: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome! Felt great to read that! I’m imagining your email being flooded with messages from high quality guys!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:11pm

  748. 748: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    So my star sign said my boundaries are all over the place… Best get them sorted!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:12pm

  749. 749: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Not sure why, but I feel so empty when it comes to meeting men; my inbox is full and I cannot get quite excited about it. I am not angry in Particular; just withing a few months I feel sort of bored with men, I don’t feel motivated to go out on a date when I can be doing more exciting things on my own.

    It is all so predictable; so cliche. I want that excitement feeling hopefull about meeting someone again; so far I feel “Bleh”. Even “d” is boring and predictable. I want someone who can reach deep wiithing my heart and stimulates my intellect; not just another date; another boring guy with copy paste emails.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:41pm

  750. 750: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Love my typos! :)

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 1:42pm

  751. 751: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Finally! I haven’t had internet connection for a while.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:04pm

  752. 752: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel,

    749 – I feel much the same way.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:05pm

  753. 753: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Radlove, I missed you, what’s new?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:13pm

  754. 754: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove!!!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:20pm

  755. 755: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    You can Circular  Date without actually DATING anyone – just flirting and  letting men come up  to you and talk with you and EXPERIENCING that your options  are open.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:21pm

  756. 756: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ***This “old flame” showing up is what nearly ALWAYS happens once you start shifting and Circular Dating.  And it’s nearly always about this same thing:

    The “lesson” the old flame had for you still needs to be gone through – one more time.

    You have these choices when it happens:

    1. Answer him, talk with him, meet him for coffee or a walk, practice using all of my Tools,  and see if you really have “shifted.”

    If you’ve shifted inside, you’ll notice different feelings going on in you – your attraction to him might have faded, you might feel sad instead of chemical, you may see him more clearly.

    You’ll NOTICE when he triggers you.

    You’ll be more aware.

    If these shifts haven’t taken place – you’ll just find yourself caught up in his “stuff” the way you did the first time.

    Either way – there’s always something to learn, even if what you learn is that you don’t want to “go there” again!

    2. Ignore him, let him be in your past.

    Work with the feelings that come up, hoist him up on the back of your “horse” in your imagination (that usually helps), and keep riding down the landscape of your life to your Happy Ever After.

    In the end, bottom line – HE IS IRRELEVANT!

    This is all about you, what you’re learning, how aware you’re becoming – and how this is all helping you to make choices in your life that serve you well and make you feel happy.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:23pm

  757. 757: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Omega 3s are CRUCIAL to mood. The capsules are hardly powerful enough. I LOVE the cod liver oil I’m taking – Nordic Naturals Arctic Cod Liver Oil. I use the orange flavor – but am trying the unflavored I bought from them online. It tastes great, no fishiness at all or stomach upset – and I can FEEL it softening my mood and my whole system.

    Might have to try some omega3! After the way I felt this morning.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:34pm

  758. 758: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling melancholic and having a really hard time focusing on me today.

    I did a few groceries at the health food store to get yummy healthy goodies to focus on me. Then I needed fish, and I avoided the grocery store M goes to, well, because I don’t like the way I look today. Then I thought I saw his car drive by with someone in the passenger seat. I feel like a helpless deer, with worry lines on her forehead.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:39pm

  759. 759: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – wow… me too… mystery whisperer

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:40pm

  760. 760: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling exhausted from this trip

    i feel nauseaus and sleepy

    i feel so eased when i can read and write

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:42pm

  761. 761: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    noticed my dad is great at feeling messages in conflict sometimes and walk away as well as.. i dont want to talk about this anymore

    also men at getting their needs met

    status

    “i want to have sex tonite can anybody help me ?”

    really serious too

    smh

    go guys

    inspired. rori says men are good at expressing simply

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 2:46pm

  762. 762: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,
    ” From your posts I read a subliminal making allowance for him and all of this…. I have done it… and it caused me to linger and keep myself engaged in the drama. It comes to my heart to suggest a need to draw boundries, and refocus… find your bridge again or horse and get busy again with your goals, what you want to feel and what you need. ”

    Thank you. I am trying really hard. Especially that he did promise marriage and the house all that goes with it, it feels so hard to leave it all behind. But I realize somewhat now, and it’s hard to admit, that evenif we went that route together, these withdrawings from him would always come back. He breaks up too easily for my taste. Yes, I can be wrong. But I can also be sorry and I need aknowledgement when I am making an effort or when it is out of my control. And I need someone who can put up with my very occasional *shit* without turning their back on me. I don’t think I did anything to actually scare his kids off. I have 2 of my own. I did ask MY 7 yr old if I had talked meanly or harshly to them, even a little bit, and he says I have not. And I believe I was and still am way more scared of them than they could ever be of me. I feel like I am made into this horrible stepmother. It’s not me at all and it makes me feel angry to be treated that way. I have done more than my share of goodwill in this situation, offering to take a parenting course that is 0 punishment (not even time outs). If my goodwill cannot change anything, and if he gives up again 1 week after I offered this for a minor thing, then I just don’t know what I could have done more.

    I am leaning back, although I almost leaned forward today. But I am asking the Universe for the strength to wait and see, at least.

    I feel scared and I miss him. I miss his arms and his touch. I miss our quiet gentle moments and waking up besides him.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:14pm

  763. 763: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Stargirl,

    Thank you. I am opening up to my feelings and thinking less about the details of this drama and the need to ‘sort it all out’ and ‘figure it all out’ is going away. Although, I feel scared that I am figuring out it has to do more with the commitment than the kids in reality.

    And I have to say that unlike most Sirens here, I believe it would be the same with any other woman.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:21pm

  764. 764: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – i feel uncomfortable writing to you on this subject

    i would actually take that course, for my own benefit so that i can see if it would give me tools to have a different perspective on the whole situation – perhaps the kids snafu would drop away and the man situation becomes clearer

    ‘ I believe I was and still am way more scared of them than they could ever be of me’

    this is the issue with the relationship with the kids as far as i see it – being scared of kids doesn’t make an accepting and helpful parent figure – maybe if the course is a good one it can help replace the fear with a new perspective and tools to cope with agressive child behavior

    personally i would ‘step up’ in a masculine way to take the course so that i could be a good parent figure to the kids if if i wanted to be a part of a blended family and i was having these challenges. (if it didn’t work out, i might still have learned some possibly useful tools). offering to take the course… but not doing it yet… would not be enough (to me) to show commitment to be a parent that is not scared of the children and can do a great job of accepting them

    and id lean back in relation to the man, which it sounds like you’re doing lovely with

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:32pm

  765. 765: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Waiting for my date… Girls are with mr. C and his kids, he wanted me to cancel. tried to get me to cancel…. Going to be an interesting night!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:36pm

  766. 766: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    smh reading my communication i feel so judgmental

    i feel so … stunted? communicating sometimes after ive felt scared/angry with someone – in conflict

    it reminds me of my dad

    it feels uncomfy

    tho apprently, way less uncomfy than before as i was still able to post

    i wonder if this is a sign for me to take a parenting course??!!!!!

    that is a GREAT AMAZING IDEA!!!!!

    i feel intimidated by kids sometimes – also got it from my dad

    its never come up as an actual issue as the kids ive been around warmed up to me,

    but it would feel great to have even MORE confidence with children

    ok i think i have great confidence with children already thginking ive worked one on one with over a thousand children (you did huh daria wow i forgot all about that) BUT

    i can get pushy after awhile and it would be great to practice some skills in challenging situations

    hmmm

    i rmeember when the kids drew ‘evil daria’ on the chalkboard

    that felt fun actually

    hmm

    ok so … ok so i’d like to be better at taking the INITIATIVE with kids like the gilr on the bus

    i feel awkward making small talk – well i feel like that with adults too

    im feelig confused

    well it would just be FUN to take a parenting class thats a huge interest of mine and i dint think of it till now, an IN PERSON one ! that would rock

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:41pm

  767. 767: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori for: In the ‘Breakup and divorce’ section, ‘Don’t throw yourself at his feet’:
    (excerpt)

    …

    You’re invested, and he isn’t. At least he’s not aware of being invested – and your moving forward and confronting him in any way right now, with the agenda and feelings you have right now, will make him move even further back, and make YOU feel awful.

    Your frustration is with yourself, for jumping to the conclusion that he makes relationship and love decisions the same way you do…and that, somehow, if you just understood what you did wrong, everything would be alright. But it’s the SITUATION that’s wrong.

    …

    And it doesn’t matter WHY. There is no why. Yes, he’s in a sticky situation in his personal life with his job and child. Yes, there are factors. But – none of that matters to you. What matters is what you do now.

    And the last thing on earth you want to do is go over there and – no matter HOW you express it to him, it will seem to him like this: You are begging, pleading, crawling on your hands and knees (even if you’re angry or even-tempered and reasonable it will look like this to him), humiliating yourself to him, trying to get him to “tell you” what you need to do and failed to do to get his love.

    It will repel him. Wouldn’t that repel YOU? Yes, of course it would.

    And the chances that it will make YOU feel powerless and embarrassed and undignified and awful are, to me, not worth the gamble that you might get something off your chest and reel relieved.

    The absolute best thing you can do is AGREE with him! And I’m not asking you to fake this – I’m asking you to look this in the eye, look at the truth of this, and say – Yes, you’re so right, if you don’t feel this way, even though I feel a lot for you, it can’t be right, right now. And if you should change your mind…I will see how I feel then…

    And that’s the truth.

    Now – unless he calls you to talk to you, or you run into him somewhere, there’s no way you’re going to be able to share even THIS.

    You’re going to be stuck with your own feelings and no closure in sight. This – no matter how it feels – is a good thing.

    This is the start of your new way of doing things, where you no longer invest in a man emotionally until you have the whole shooting match, the whole enchilada, the whole banana, the ring, the wedding date – whatever it is you want that looks like Happy Ever After to you. Until then – he’s just a date. Like all the other men you date. And now – you have to turn around from him and go DO THIS! Circular Date. Now.

    Agree with him, and then smile to the mirror, smile to him if you see him, smile to YOU, give yourself a humongous hug, slather love on you, and start Circular Dating. Talk to men. Flirt with men. Flirt with women. Flirt with young men and old men. Cry. Curl up on the sofa. Lay on the floor. Watch TV and eat a carton of yogurt, please, not ice cream. Take your vitamins and probiotics. Stop eating sugar and bread. Buy some pretty, trendy, soft-colored, inexpensive clothes and do your nails in red. Adventure-seek. Start fresh.

    This is how you will attract Mr. “Next” – and Mr. “Right” – and if this man really is all that and Mr. Right to boot – he’ll show up again.

    If you follow your instinct to go throw yourself at his feet right now – you’ll push him away and push yourself backwards.

    Imagine this is a game board (because it’s supposed to be fun when you’re following your good feelings) and that your goal is to move forward. Your Happy Ever After is up ahead, the road to it may be straight or twisty – and your ONLY job is to move forward.

    Even if you slide backward, or fall off the path – your job is to keep getting back up on your horse and keep moving.

    We are stepping through old patterns and old traps and old traumas continually. Give up expecting the ride to be smooth. Hey – at Disneyland, the most fun rides are the most bumpy and unexpected. Same with life. If you knew what was up ahead every moment, you’d be bored.

    Again – do not go throw yourself on his mercy and try to get his opinion about YOU – you can work that out here with us, with a coach, with your friends, and with every single man you meet starting this minute!

    You do NOT need to work this out with HIM.

    I know this is an unusual concept, but it’s one I’m very, very firm about. Since men show up to trigger us and help us work out our stuff, and either love us or not and make us feel good or don’t – there is always another man up for the job.

    You want to hire the good ones. The ones who make you feel good.

    Yes, because – well, it feels good, AND – if you want to get down to the bottom of this whole thing…the good ones make you feel good because they help you move forward! They help you become your best self. They make you feel good about YOU when you’re with them – not “bad” about you. And that’s what’s happening here. You’re feeling “bad” about yourself in his presence now. And that does not serve you.

    You are about to step into the belief that allowing this man to tell you his “truth” about what’s going on for him will somehow help you – and it won’t – because he’s already dropped the ball. He’s already stopped being your free therapist. He’s stopped helping you, assisting you and walking along your path with you.

    He’s veering in another direction, and if you follow him, you will fall off your path.

    Stay on your path, Kate. Move AWAY from him. Sweetly to yourself. Painfully, with challenge and determination – step away.

    Go find your path again. Find your life line and live it. We’re all here to support you. We’ve all had these dark moments, and now’s your time to find the life you want – not the one you wish had been different.

    Love to you – and I look forward to hearing how you’re doing.

    Rori

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:45pm

  768. 768: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    ((((siren angel))))))
    You are handling this so well, feeling your feelings but not attacking or even blaming, I hear you wanting to understand. When I try to do that too hard and it hurts my head I move to feeling my feelings even if they are sad ones.
    I’m not on siren island but I can imagine how lovely that pic of you and your child looking at the sheep is. I see that you wanted to be close to his children and tried. I did feel anxious reading about dangerous games and to me it sounds like a situation getting a little unmanageable. Perhaps M feels that too and is grasping at a straw to find the problem.
    I totally agree with Daria that for you to do the parenting course would be fantastic! It sounds like you are a great parent but we can all learn something new. And it might shift the focus a bit off what is wrong to creative solutions.
    Anyway just wanted send a hug. Ps I like the sound of your arm let! I want one too. Tried to find one online no luck.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:49pm

  769. 769: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Daria @764,

    ‘offering to take the course… but not doing it yet… would not be enough (to me) to show commitment to be a parent that is not scared of the children and can do a great job of accepting them’

    I do intend to take the parenting teleclass course, even with the cost I can’t really afford right now. Yes, I agree, it will give me a better perspective, but mostly I feel very curious.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:54pm

  770. 770: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Am wanting to encourage myself a bit by saying that I read all my text messages with Lionman over the past year. Oh dear! Hardly any feeling messages lots of nice good polite loving messages eliciting monosyllabic responses from him and lots of helping, solving problem type messages from me ugh.

    Followed by a break up. Followed by for weeks silence. Followed by a shift. Now I respond not initiate so the balance feels different. And no more monosyllabic ones from him. It’s been so interesting to read and see the dynamic shift. I also have started doing things I would have thought weird before like talking about physical sensations in my body ie tension or anxiety etc.

    And I’m not perfect so I can see I still lean forward with helpful type messages and it feels off, wrong, pushing etc.

    On another note a cd brought me a beautiful bunch of flowers today.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:55pm

  771. 771: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – oh cool yay i feel curious too! i hope you share with us!

    maybe if M starts stepping up during this time, you can ask for help with the cost (feminine)

    i suddenly feel down… thinking aobut cost also… but lately *Money* has been showing up for many things when i want them…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:59pm

  772. 772: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((((((Siren Angel)))))))))))))) You are a brave strong woman

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 3:59pm

  773. 773: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Raising Non-Violent Children

    By Bonnie Harris

    Ever fear your child turning violent? Consistent sibling slugs, pushing on the playground, provoking a pet, throwing things, threatening to “kill” someone, easily provokes us to catastrophize and project our child into juvenile delinquency We do it in a nano-second. We try to stop the hitting, yelling, and angry outbursts with threats, punishment, and our own angry outbursts in an attempt to raise kind, peaceful children. We set the stage for just the opposite.

    Anger is a natural human feeling. Instead of fearing it and trying to repress it in our children, we need to give anger and aggression an outlet. When we learn as children that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, we believe we are bad when those natural feelings arise. We learn this from parents who had their feelings squashed. Few of us learned how to express our anger appropriately, so we fear it in our children.

    Strict censorship of negative emotions may suppress feelings in some children yet cause problems in the long term. Many become depressed, can’t stand up for themselves, freeze at challenges, cannot make decisions, etc. Medications and addictions often result.

    Other children are less able to suppress angry energy due to more emotional, aggressive inborn temperaments. Continual negative feedback with punishment, threats, and disapproval, can turn children into bullies outside the home, power hungry adults in the workplace, and dictatorial, angry parents. Some progress to violent behavior. When natural energies are thwarted by threats, punishment, withdrawal of love, or isolation, those energies fester and retaliation becomes the logical option. To raise peaceful, non-violent children, we need to empower them, parenting in a way that may feel counterintuitive. Aggressive energy does not turn violent when given proper outlets and support. Parents usually fear that indulging negative feelings gives permission for negative behavior. Just the opposite is true.

    Tips To Diffuse Anger:
    Parent the child you have, not the child you want. Allow natural aggression. Channel it into appropriate behavior.
    Allow all feelings. Don’t say, “It’s not nice to say things like that about your friends/brother.” Or, We don’t say hate in this house.”
    Acknowledge that everyone gets angry and frustrated.
    Provide outlets for anger:
    Squish a clay ball representing the angry target
    Draw feelings with colorful markers
    Punch a pillow representing the person
    Bang on a piano
    Punch a punching bag
    Jump on a bed or trampoline
    Role play with child. Take turns being the child and target of anger. Allow anything to be said.
    If your child is mad at you:
    Don’t take it personally. It’s temporary. It’s about your child, not you.
    Don’t react.
    Acknowledge. “Wow, you’re really mad at me. I hear you.”
    Hold a pillow in front of you and allow child to punch it.
    Offer similar vents to above
    Walk away, do nothing, and wait until later when you are both calm.
    You are the facilitator of the energy outlet. You are in control. Your child can safely release her feelings and gain empowerment in the release so the feelings needn’t do harm.

    Only after feelings are purged, discuss what the child would like to do or say for real. Don’t direct; give her the authority to decide for herself. In this safe space after feelings have been expressed and accepted, she knows what is right and wrong. Trust the process. In some cases, this process needs to be repeated several times. When you stay calm, she can yell what she wants. Then she will calm, be better able to say what she meant, or spontaneously apologize and make amends.

    Bear witness to your child’s feelings, be a sounding board, and your child will feel accepted and okay about himself. From this place there is no need for negative or violent behavior. Only when feelings are not allowed does the child feel wrong and unacceptable. Uncooperative, resistant behavior is an attempt to gain power. Allow the feelings and you empower your child.

    http://www.bonnieharris.com/raising-non-violent-children.html

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:03pm

  774. 774: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse @767,

    ” I see that you wanted to be close to his children and tried. I did feel anxious reading about dangerous games and to me it sounds like a situation getting a little unmanageable. Perhaps M feels that too and is grasping at a straw to find the problem.”

    I feel M prefers to think there is NO problem with his children. Maybe I remind him too much that there could be a problem.

    I have to say, I hope the parenting teleclass will give me better insight, however my 2 boys (19 and 7) have never shown the slightest violence. However, they are far part. But again, my 7 yr old does not show violence with M’s kids. He has however recently started to have litte tantrum fits when there is violence around him or he feels excluded, which usually he makes a ‘RRRR’ sound in frustration and storms off to another room and sulks for a while. He would not do that before.

    I am very curious about the dynamics of the development of violent behavior between siblings.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:08pm

  775. 775: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this felt inspiring and i learned some things

    i feel really overwhelmed and sad thinking about not being where i want to be as far as with communicating peacefully and effectively when faced with anger/ agression/ attack

    i want to connect with my parents this way too

    i feel so guilty that i ‘fall off’ the feeling message wagon and i feel so pressed for time like they will split up if i don’t ‘get it right’

    in time to inspire them (they seem to pick up on my new improved behaviors)

    i suddenly feel all flacid like a limp penis lol

    i made myaslef laugh now i feel good

    hahahahahah

    ok

    i feel better

    it was a feeling and i moved through it QUICK! wow

    Daria you ARE GREAT

    you ROCK

    oh yeah i decided i was gonna use that energy i want to use to control them, and especially – to WORRY ABOUT THEM – to do EFT for them instead

    who knows, it may work, and it will use my lean forward energy in a way that makes me feel good – doing EFT makes me feel good emotionally no matter what its on

    i feel worried it will still have neg consequences cuz its lean forward

    this is for me tho

    its a way to use my energy

    ALL this energy

    its a shift away from worrying

    i can stop if i dont like it

    i felt empowered thinking about it

    i rock

    i feel drained like the flaccid penis again

    i feel smily again

    hehe

    whew this feels really emotionally challenging for me to look at

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:09pm

  776. 776: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Siren angel you are inspiring me to take a dog parenting course! I have an issue that needs professional help that only started recently involving barking. I was waiting for Lionman to deal with it but I’m going to do something about it sooner rather than wait.

    Also I have an inactive online dating profile that I should dust off. Feels very scary. Linda I loved yours maybe I can try that. I really like meetups better than dating websites.

    Also sirens I need a makeover! I have long wavy blondish hair. I need some highlights and root cover up (some grey) Can anyone recommend a natural solution? I use hair dye all the time but I’d love to change to something less harmful.
    Thank you!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:12pm

  777. 777: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im realizing more and more that i want to take a class like this too

    it will help me so mcuh with my parents, i can jsut tell

    and also really grow my confidence

    wow great idea Daria i feel touched

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:18pm

  778. 778: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse – you can try some blonde (not red) color Henna, maybe http://www.morroccomethod.com might have some or can be googled

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:19pm

  779. 779: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m also going to tell my mom about feeling messages. Oh wow! Whoever mentioned that recently sorry I can’t remember but great idea! And even the thought of doing that triggers thoughts of my dear dad bless him acting like having a feeling is a crime!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:20pm

  780. 780: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you daria x

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:21pm

  781. 781: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    The Words You Don’t Say To A Man Are Just As Important (And Sometimes Even MORE Important) Than What You Do Say

    Daria,

    Imagine this: How much “input” does a man receive in a day?

    How much is coming at him every single day? Messages, requests, questions, problems – from work, from the media, from his friends and family…?

    Now – imagine how in the world YOU’RE supposed to cut through all that so he can really hear you and give you what you need?

    Love has a sort of “marketing” component to it. (Especially when you want to be clear with a man and he’s got so much stuff coming at him, a short attention span, and doesn’t necessarily even WANT to hear what you have to say.)

    An effective “marketer” knows that in order for her product and message to stand out, it needs to be very clear, to the point, and it absolutely needs to leave out all the stuff a prospective customer DOESN’T need to hear! You want to leave out anything that’ll make your message get lost among everything else competing for the “customer’s” attention.

    Any marketing message – if it’s going to get results – needs to cut through “the clutter.” If the message is unclear, too complex, or too long, it doesn’t CUT THROUGH. The marketer fails to engage the customer. In essence, the message falls on deaf ears.

    How To Say Exactly What You Want To A Man

    If you’re anything like me (and like almost all the women I know and coach) – you can remember more than one situation where you wish you HADN’T said something to a man. And you wish you hadn’t said it because it ended up pushing him away.

    As awful as that memory is – I don’t ever want you to stuff down your feelings and pretend they don’t exist! On the contrary, I know (and I want YOU to know) that your power in a relationship with nearly any man lies in how quickly you can cut through your usual reaction and the words you usually use – and INSTEAD deliver a message that will draw him in, pull him close, make him listen to you, and inspire him to please you.

    That’s why my Love Scripts online video program will help you so fast. Love Scripts will show you the EXACT words you should and shouldn’t say to a man…and exactly when and how to say them:

    Watch Now
    Getting Through To The Heart Of A Man

    With this “marketing” image in mind, imagine all the conversations you can have (and have had…) with a man.

    Now imagine this:

    What are you thinking and feeling when you have a glaring need you want a man to fulfill?

    Imagine all the conflicting thoughts going through your head and different sensations going through your body. Say you’re running out of patience because he’s continuously late. If you say what you’re thinking – with your usual reactions and usual words – it might go something like this:

    “I can’t believe you did this again! Don’t you realize how inconsiderate you’re being? Do you think you’re the only one who matters? You’re always late and I’m always waiting for you! Last week we were late for dinner. Last month we missed the beginning of the movie. And now we’re going to keep our friends waiting. I really can’t stand it when you do this! You have to change…”

    Only, when you talk to a man like this, he’ll automatically become defensive – especially because he KNOWS he screwed up!

    He’ll feel like he’s failed you (which he did) – and that’s almost too much for him to bear. Instead of doing what you and I would consider the “logical” thing to do – fix his mistakes and change his ways – he’ll just get angrier at you for pointing out his faults yet again.

    That’s when he’ll retreat, get angry, or go in the other direction – to despondency and depression – and make it so much harder for you to reach him.

    If you want to know why your efforts to “get through” to a man haven’t worked so far – and how to turn things around quickly (even if he’s retreating, angry, or depressed) – by simply changing a few of the words you use, go here:

    Get Through To Him
    Connecting Through Words: Less Really Is More

    Here’s a powerful little “speech” for you in this situation – a simple yet amazingly effective Love Script:

    “I’m feeling really angry right now. It doesn’t feel good to wait, and it doesn’t feel good to keep my friends waiting, either. I don’t want to be complaining all the time, and I really don’t know what to do. What do you think we could do to fix this?”

    And boom.

    In just a few words, you’ve clearly communicated your frustrations, you HAVEN’T directly blamed him (notice there’s no mention of the word “you” in the Script – except for the important “What do you think?” part at the end), and you’ve also done something beautiful:

    You’ve turned the problem over to him!

    Now HE has what can make HIM feel good enough to WANT to change: He has an opportunity to make things better!

    What you haven’t said is just as important as what you did say – and it’s actually more EFFECTIVE in getting the ultimate results you want.

    How To Turn Communication Into Connection

    Remember what I said about all the messages and input a man receives in a day?

    All of us are continually being bombarded day in, day out with tons of facts. This is especially true in our digitally-driven world.

    And a man doesn’t “multi-task” the way we women do. He gets distracted. He gets focused on things that SEEM important in the moment and then can easily let YOU and your needs fall by the wayside.

    So what he needs, in the middle of all this mental activity and bombardment, is for YOU to offer him FEELINGS. Emotions. Real, honest, gut-level feelings – expressed in a way he can HEAR – that can return him to being a human being.

    Feelings Are Very Different From What He’s Used To

    And your success at getting through to him and creating connection is all about HOW you express those feelings. What you say as well as what you don’t say.

    There’s a quote that goes like this:

    “It’s the space between the bars that holds the tiger.”

    And so it is with a man. When you know which words to say – and which to leave out – you create a safe space for both of you. A safe space to express your true feelings, and a safe space that will HOLD a man in a way that feels blissful to him.

    Creating and “holding” this “space between the bars” for a man is a skill.

    And once you learn the skill of knowing what to say and what not to say – you give a man the chance to be the hero he WANTS to be for you.

    My Love Scripts program will show you exactly how to do this, whether you’re looking for your Mr. Right, or you’ve been with him for decades:

    Create Intimacy Now
    When you deliver your thoughts and feelings in a way a man can truly hear, he’ll be yours forever.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:23pm

  782. 782: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh i just remembered that feeling all not good enough yet and powerless with this practice means my pond is muddy and

    IM ABOUT TO BE AT THE NEXT LEVEL!

    yesssss!!!!

    wooo hooo thank you awful feelings

    i feel happy and excited now !!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:24pm

  783. 783: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    Happy for you you are finding your way with feeling messages in texts, they can be tricky… I remember one where I told M one Friday night in response to a text saying good night ‘I’m in the bubbles, feeling all velvety’. I had to point out to him later I was taking a bubble bath!

    Can I ask you what caused the ‘shit’ with you and Lionman in those four weeks?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:48pm

  784. 784: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse, I have long dark blondish wavy hair too and went to a ‘caramel’ (reddish blonde) color a few months ago.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:51pm

  785. 785: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Siren angel not sure I understand your question do you mean why did we break up or what caused us to be back in touch after four weeks silence?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:51pm

  786. 786: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Daria @772,

    The problem is the kids refuse these type of solutions and just ignore and continue or say ‘it was an accident’ (they repress and hide already) and 11 yr old recently started ‘giving points’ to his little brother and sister if they don’t tell their dad when he hit them.

    I have said to the kids ‘I know you don’t feel happy with me/are angry with me right now’ to which M said it was inappropriate.

    I feel confused, but thank you for sharing, I did pick up some ideas.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:55pm

  787. 787: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse @ 784,

    I meant what caused you to get back together, but feel free to share also what caused the breakup if you feel comfortable.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:56pm

  788. 788: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I hope they see now that the way to open up to a man is NOT to talk about their passion for the MAN, but to talk about and share and express and LIVE their passions for themselves and their lives, and what they find important and care about in the world.

    It’s the day-to-day things we care about and put our hearts into that, when expressed to a man, show him who we are and allow HIS love and HIS feelings to come to US. And we can do that all day and all night and NEVER, EVER feel “fooled.”

    This week, let me know how this Not Assuming Anything Tool works for you.

    Love, Rori

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/how-to-keep-from-getting-fooled-by-him/

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:58pm

  789. 789: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I meant to write the ‘shift’ ..

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 4:58pm

  790. 790: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Siren angel lol I thought that’s what you meant but it was funny!

    I would say a combination of things – me saying no to something I didn’t like that I had been doing even tho it didn’t feel good, that made him angry, I expressed my feelings of sadness and fear and disconnect and break up. I am pretty good at not reaching out in that situation so there was silence and then a weird cosmic event prompted him to contact me and do something lovely for me and that started the contact again but we are not together. I’m practicing and I don’t want to fall back into old patterns of relating and keeping my boundaries. It feels scary to state my needs to someone I’m not with but I’m practicing so that I can get clear about what I want.

    I do cd but Lionman is well I don’t have words ((((Lionman))))

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:07pm

  791. 791: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Siren angel mmmm caramel sounds lovely! That website Daria posted is fantastic I’m totally hooked and will order all their products. What I really want is a strawberry blonde color with highlights but I want it to be totally natural looking. I do dye it myself a lot but it ends up building up too dark and flat looking or too dyed looking.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:11pm

  792. 792: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    wow… my inbox is a buzz on the website. Some very lovely men writing now. Some not so lovely, but they all have hearts and feelings.

    I even heard from a man I met in person out of the blue when I was dining alone. He told me that he really wished I had liked him more. (He was the one using the kissing approach all the time)… I told him that his approach to me made me feel self protective and left me no time to understand my feelings about him. He just kinda laughed it off and said it works on some women.. hmmmm

    I am feeling proud of myself using feeling messages with him today. More practice.

    I have a man wanting me to text him now from the website. Think I will.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:23pm

  793. 793: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    DarkHorse @789

    ” I am pretty good at not reaching out in that situation so there was silence and then a weird cosmic event prompted him to contact me and do something lovely for me and that started the contact again”

    Then you ‘leaned back completely’, no contact from you, and he reappeared as if by Magic?

    Did you break up with him initialy or did he?

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:30pm

  794. 794: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @787,

    I just read it and it’s very inspiring, crystal clear.
    Thank you

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:32pm

  795. 795: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Dark Horse,

    I may try the henna too! My hair is a bit dry, especially after the summer, from the chemical hair color. Looks great and the reviews are really good.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:39pm

  796. 796: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I’m having a tough time connecting to the internet. It is driving me nuts not being able to be on here. I am way addicted to the blog, the next best thing to man crack. Yikes!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:47pm

  797. 797: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    You can order the bracelet (but they don’t seem to have the string one and the silk one I bought here, but maybe write to them) here: trinkjewelry.com then go to the ‘Reflect’ section for the chakra jewelry.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 5:52pm

  798. 798: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (((Rebecca)))

    In reading some of your posts, it feels familiar to me. I have struggled with codependency for a long time (my mom is hugely codependent).

    I see a lot of typical codependent tendencies in your thought patterns. It’s veerrrryyyy anxiety provoking and my heart goes out to you. Lack of strong boundaries goes hand in hand with codependency …may be another thing to explore.

    I love your sharing and vulnerability Rebecca. You have a soft heart and an intelligent mind which I can tell from your writing.

    ((hugs))

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:06pm

  799. 799: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you siren angel I will check out the bracelets! Oh and it would be fun if you tried the henna too! The reviews are gret and yes my hair could use some good conditioning.

    So re for weeks yes I did no leaning forward at all. It was hard but I have to say that it did have the desired effect of resetting something the balance had to change and I literally heldon to Rori saying he can only miss you if you are absent and get your energy out of there. It was as if by magic something happened and he chose to get in touch. His anger went and I practiced melting, saying how good I felt with him and appreciating him in his presence.

    However we have a long history years and years and I thought I wanted marriage. I’m not sure about anything now. I want to be with someone who likes doing fun things with me. I know that.

    He broke up with me. He wanted to see what else was out there. That felt terrible of course. When I started saying no about things I think that pushed him into well I’m outta here I have options etc.

    I’m really only beginning to take baby steps here. I have to really monitor myself to stay away from helping, supporting etc etc. over functioning. And I remind myself daily that my feelings count and matter my happiness adds to everyone else’s.

    I have a long way to go and a lot to learn but feel hopeful tht Daria said it can be fast!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:18pm

  800. 800: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and Smile,

    Hi! I have been dealing with both phone and internet issues most of the day. I gave my doggies baths in the backyard and flea drops then went swimming.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:19pm

  801. 801: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Hi

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:29pm

  802. 802: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and Smile,

    Hi! I have been dealing with both phone and internet issues most of the day. I gave my doggies baths in the backyard and flea drops then went swimming.

    There, I think I got all my internet connection and phone issues resolved.

    I had another overnight date with R from Friday night to Saturday around 1 pm. We had an absolutely fantastic time! I was smiling most of the time!

    Gosh, it seems we never run out of things to talk about! I thoroughly enjoy his company! We were cooking together and he offered to help me left and right, more than ever! He was teasing me and joking around more than ever, and I laughed and smiled most of the time!

    He is a joy, and I got to see him in a situation that allowed him to be protective, make decisions, and take authority. And I felt very impressed! I felt so safe and secure with him! Here’s what happened:

    We were taking a walk in a park after dark, when we saw police lights scanning the field. R said let’s sit on the park bench and don’t talk. I just followed his leadership, reminding myself repeatedly to lean back, not offer suggestions, and let him row!

    Finally he said let’s walk back to the car, and while we were walking, two police met us along the path, asking what we were doing and for IDs. It felt good to let him do the talking, and it was no big deal. But I have rarely seen him in situations like this. I felt so proud of him and he handled it smoothly.

    He slept on the sofa as usual, which is fine. I feel really really good vibes between us!

    Then last night, after the date, we texted from about 3:30 am to 7:00 am! It got really deep, and once again, he brought up the issues of 2009, saying the last three years feel like a scar to him.

    I went straight to feeling messages, not to accusation as I used to in 2009. I described how I felt in the perceived non proposal, in short, feeling the most intense pain in my life all at once. He kept saying he didn’t do anything. I said I’m not blaming you, I’m telling you how I felt and those feelings were real. We really didn’t get anywhere, but it was the most I ever told him about the horrible feelings I felt.

    He also asked me earlier if I still want to be his platonic friend even if he doesn’t want romance.

    I felt confused how to answer that, so I told him I felt confused and we had a long text discussion about it. I don’t think I responded well, but I just said I felt like I was walking through an unknown forest in the dark, and I felt like I needed a compass.

    On a side note, I think a person’s feelings ARE that compass. And I felt bad afterward that I didn’t save such a serious, in depth discussion for in person. Because he gives very little over text, and I still feel terribly in the dark.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:43pm

  803. 803: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, I didn’t think #800 got published, because I was still revamping my connection.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 6:45pm

  804. 804: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I feel more in love with R than ever. It is good experience CDing with him. It is such a rare experience to get to redo everything I did that was harmful to the relationship in 2009. It feels so good to have such a positive relationship with him!

    He has so many endearing little expressions and mannerisms. He has such a baby face, and I adore it!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:10pm

  805. 805: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    How can I break away from the codependent relationship I have with K? I feel not safe with him in relation to R in my life, because he has a lot of hostility toward him for how badly I was hurt in 2009.

    I want to ease him out of my life, hopefully without backlash, and he is VERY codependent on me. He is in love with me and has told me I am the only woman for him. He is sorta like I am with R, except I just don’t feel safe if he realizes I don’t necessarily want to continue the friendship.

    I divorced him in 2006, and I’ve ended the friendship at least 4 times during that time. I keep letting him talk me back into it, and I wish I hadn’t. I feel like he is holding me back from my future. He seems to think he owns me in a way.

    I am just trying to think how to ease him out of my life. And I DON’T want him to blame R for me wanting to end it, because he can be very vindictive and is very much into blame shifting. He would remarry me in a heartbeat, and I want to end the friendship. Yikes! I feel stuck.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:15pm

  806. 806: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    755: Smile

    I enjoy that more than online dating, I feel all giggly when a man approach me out of nowhere just to talk…

    Online dating feels artificial to me, I do it so I don’t get hung u in one man who plays the magician with me, but I feel empty with it.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:31pm

  807. 807: pitifully confusedNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, did I make a big mistake?

    On Thursday a guy stood me up for a date and then texted me that night (at 2am) ‘miss u xxooo’. I texted him the next morning ‘You stood me up and then send me a ‘miss u’ text – I want a real relationship. Please do not contact me anymore.’ I felt good after sending this, but now I am feeling a longing for our connection, which felt amazing.

    BUT in the short week that we were dating, he didn’t schedule a time to get together until I texted him, and he’d only send me one text a day – usually ‘xxxooo’. And a lot of times that text was at midnight, when I imagine he was in bed. He sent a masturbation text the night after we met (specifically – he said he might have to be ‘naughty’ because he couldn’t sleep – then a short time later texted me a smile), which I was appalled by, but I didn’t say anything at the time (mistake) because I rationalized that I was super turned on as well, so it made sense, and our bond felt so immediate that it felt like we were closer than we really were.

    After our first date he told me he hadn’t had butterflies like this in a long time – I hadn’t either. During our second ‘date’ – which was really a make out session at my house – he was saying things like ‘oh my god, i’ve never felt this way before – what are you doing to me? this is how it’s supposed to feel – we’re soulmates’ …yadda yadda yadda. It was such an intense connection that I kid you not, I almost fainted – I had to get up and walk away, and kind of collapsed on the floor. He was extremely kind and caring and gentle with me. But THEN we went farther physically than I wanted, and he wanted to have sex – he was saying he wanted to make my babies, and that he’d never said that before – and I was pissed, and said so, because a) it was way to early to have sex and b) we didn’t have any protection.

    I believe he was being honest at the time about this being a unique connection, but I hardly heard from him at all after either date. The whole time I basically went batsh*t crazy, obsessively looking at my phone for incoming texts, and would wake up at 4am crying because I was so agitated – it was horrible.

    I ended up thinking that either he really just wanted sex and was a player, or he was incapable of building a relationship. I just wanted peace, so I ended it – after all, he stood me up.

    I realize now I could have used a lot more feeling messages from the very beginning.

    I feel a little miserable now because I’m wondering if I interpreting things wrong and could have turned it around by communicating my feelings more directly? If someone stands you up, isn’t that a pretty good indicator that it’s time to end it?

    I would love to have your assessment – was he just in it for the sex??? Should I text him back and start communicating in feeling messages (like, “it felt amazing when we were together in person, but it felt so crappy not to hear from you more in between dates that i just felt so overwhelmed i wanted to end it to get some peace’…) – what do you think? Is it worth it, or should I just leave it?????

    your opinions are VERY welcomed…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 7:36pm

  808. 808: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I am taking notice I feel tension in my arms and shoulders and hips when I apply make up or do my skin care routine … I love my tension I love my arms and hips .. I love my shoulders I love my skin .. I feel reluctant to take care of my outside … even embarrased … I love your discomfort baby girl … it’s okay to feel discomfort … it’s okay to feel reluctant … I love your reluctance … you can feel reluctant if you want to … plase feel free to feel anything you feel …. even guilt and reluctanсe and discomfort …. I love your feelings .. I am a safe place … sigh .. what else do you feel? I feel afraid. I remember a moment when that beautiful woman with a wonderful kind voice made me a compliment , and I felt so pleased and my mom told her not to, so I “won’t grow up a swellhead”…. and I felt guilty for feeling pleased with a compliment and weird because that woman seemed so open and kind and beautiful and suddenly all that became “wrong” …. ouch … resentment .. sadness … feeling good and attractive all became “wrong” .. embarrassement for mom … avoiding to take care of my appearance … ouch .. stiff chin .. baby girl you can let go of your discomfort now … and choose what feels best – caring for your outside … and inside … being open to compliments … celebrating you …. it’s okay to take care of you it’s okay it’s healthy and feels good …. baby steps … and I love you

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 8:23pm

  809. 809: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Vi,

    807 – Wow, I feel really touched by that piece of healing. I relate very closely.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:08pm

  810. 810: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been really aware lately of how often I feel anxious. I feel certain that learning how to soothe it would be one of the main things that could improve my life.

    I wonder how much of it is physiological and how much is mental, or if there is even a difference.

    I noticed that today, I was feeling very anxious and then I felt way better after I had some steak. I wonder if I get anxious when my body is needing protein.

    steak with mustard…my taste buds were delighted
    iced chai with coconut milk…I felt so satisfied.

    food has been tasting so great lately and my appetite is up. I feel so happy about that.

    What if everything is okay?
    what if there is nothing to worry about?
    what if I could love and accept reality just the way it is and not feel scared, threatened?
    I’ve been so trained to be on the lookout for danger, impending doom, constant fight or flight state
    It feels so exhausting. I feel like crying
    I feel pressure behind my eyes, frowny mouth
    mmmm, can still taste the mustard. Feels good in my mouth.
    Feeling tense about returning that one woman’s call.
    Why am I procrastinating this.
    Why am I pushing away people who want to be my friend?
    because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to hold my boundaries.
    Do I even know why my boundaries are?
    I love me
    It’s okay, everything is okay
    I love my anxiety, I love my racing heart, it let’s me know that I am alive, I love that
    I feel nervous about the upcoming winter, what if the diminishing sun pulls me towards depression
    That happens to me sometimes
    Is it normal to feel anxiety like this?
    Is there something wrong with me?
    maybe not. What if everything is perfect?
    Byron Katie suggests we love what is.
    I feel my muscles relax when I think of that
    sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up
    my life is moving so fast
    so many things to do, so many people to respond to
    really I just wanna chill
    I feel anxious about my relationship with people
    awwww, I feel so much better just typing this out.
    Wow, how did that happen?
    Craving more steak and mustard!!!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:20pm

  811. 811: Memulo says:

    I learned so much from Rori’s newsletter today. I’m going to use this approach with my guy.,yesterday he stayed at my place and then wanted to leave early in the morning as he had to take care of something important this weekend. I suggested that I make bfast quickly and then he goes and he said alright. I did make a sophisticated breakfast super fast and he left 45 mins later! Then I get a text from him: you know this is very important to me and I’m not happy it’s already this late and I only got home now. I was like – what? I didn’t reply. This was yday morning. I sent him a photo of me getting a ride on a motorcycle tonight, no words – he didn’t reply either.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:40pm

  812. 812: Memulo says:

    Ohhh Siren Angel.. I would let him miss me Big Time!! And he will

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:44pm

  813. 813: Memulo says:

    Daria.. how do you ask for help with costs? I’m in trouble.. my landlord wants to throw me out of my place, he just wants to put it up for sale and I didn’t expect it and have zero money fir a move.. nit to mention because if work don’t even have time to look. They told me they want me out and then 2 weeks later sent an eviction notice. I feel like criminal.. except I’m a good tenant and never did anything wrong. I haven’t told him yet

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 9:56pm

  814. 814: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove thank you for your feedback, it feels very helpful to know when someone can relate. It helps me to feel more ‘okay’ with my own experience :-) and I feel not alone.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:02pm

  815. 815: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a sadness in my heart. A realisation that I’m moving away from strummingman. I have been wanting for so long now for him to pick up his stuff. Now I’m moving he will have to. He texed at 12.15am saying I didn’t need to respond now, he knows it’s late but when should he pick up his stuff. I woke up at 6am checked the time on my phone and saw the message. All feels so final . I think I might cry when he picks his stuff up. I’ve always tried to fight them back. But it will be okay to cry because those tears will be my true feelings.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:40pm

  816. 816: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – Dominique would be a good woman to ask.

    If say something like, ‘I’m feeling panicked I have a huge problem. I need help. What do you think ? ‘

    I feel a lil scared doing this…. I want to get better at it too.

    Dominique do you have a script thsts something more specific to Memulo’s situation?

    Memulo that sux :(

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 10:56pm

  817. 817: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove I would start by going to CODA meetings as I mentioned in the past….

    I don’t feel qualified to advise you really except tell you that for me it starts with examining my boundaries.

    I’m feeling so affected by the moon… I’ve been such a hot mess for about the past 4 days… But today was better.

    I have been missing recycled (whyyyy) he’s so inconsistent and hot and cold. I ended our friendship over a text in June and have not heard from him since. That’s what I wanted right?
    Why can’t I stick to a decision…

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:07pm

  818. 818: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I need to get clear on my vision for my future

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:11pm

  819. 819: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (((smile)))

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:13pm

  820. 820: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((Smile)))) – it will get better!!

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:27pm

  821. 821: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so anxious.
    I had two very disturbing dreams. And I feel like being in a negative phase again, everything was going well.
    Dream 1: Being on a big boat with MrP and friends…he doesn’t see me and walks straight past me, grabs a very young looking girl and kisses her…then turns to look at me. I said: ‘a schoolgirl?’.
    Just that. And he said: ‘why not’.
    It felt like a nightmare, for some reason, and I woke up at 1am and could not get back to sleep until 4am…and then I dreamt dream no2.
    Dream 2: A man I had a little fling with 4 years ago, congratulated me on my birthday (which isn’t now), and produces a huge amount of gifts…lots of money, and lots of ‘caring things’ and he kept saying: ‘take it, take it, you are so worth it my dear’. In real life this guy is on my fb, and he is actually a very successful musician, has a million friends on fb, and he is a very sexy and intelligent guy…at some point I thought he has forgotten me (it was only a few days but very intense with lots of conversations etc), yet he will often comment on my postings of pictures…so he is still somewhat hanging about. He has a family now.

    I actually really cried when he gave me those gifts in my dream. my eyes were all crusty this morning.

    I feel terrible, tense and anxious and now I have to go to work and today will be a bad day as we have a big town festival and people will come and ask me about it and I know nothing as I didn’t get a programme.

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:33pm

  822. 822: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I need to calm myself down before I go to Florida, it is less than 4 weeks and I do not want any expectations of anybody even contacting me. I want to go being happy to just go alone, and be alone.

    I also feel anxious because I believe MrP is dating, I just get the vibes for some reason…and I do not want to see him if he is dating at all. It would not feel good and I would not even CD him. I hope that is he is dating someone he wouldn’t contact me anyway.

    Aaargh. I want to go back to feeling like I did last week, at peace.

    Ok, off to get ready for work

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:37pm

  823. 823: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    807… pitifully confused… the impression I get is that this man was interested in sex. you picked up oh his vibe correctly. DOnt beat yourself up for not using feeling messages. Next time you will I am sure.

    I had a man come on to me like this, actually recently it was a big turn off to me. His kiss was nice but the rest of him was a big zero to me. When I did not deliver what he wanted.. he poofed. Next…

    A man who is interested in you will not place you in a position that will make you compromise or make you feel uneasy.

    THe endorphin are like crack.. connection is different that that really. one fades and the other is their all the time.

    I read recently learned that it is too early to sleep with a man if: 1) You do not know his long term plan with you
    2)If you dont feel safe
    3)If you are not exclusive
    4)Not emotionally intimate or connected.

    Hope this helps, it did me

    Saturday, 1 September 2012 @ 11:41pm

  824. 824: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im reading attachment parenting website on FB

    and am realizing i feel really uncomfortable offering comfort, and thats what i want to learn

    i feel uncomfortable going to a child and giving them a hug (if they come to me its ok)

    even to a friend

    if a friend is upset, i let her cry it out, i dont hug her

    i was raised this way (i found out recently) when i was young

    ahhh

    i want to heal this

    i feel guilty!

    for when my friends have cried in front of me and i didnt comfort them with touch just stood there all hard

    and i felt ‘hard’ too

    ok i dont want to beat myself up

    that im noticing this means im healing

    yay daria

    this feels terrifying

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:11am

  825. 825: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emerson and Tam. It feels exhausting to be so up and down with my feelings. I’m doing great though, thanks to you lovely sirens and the support of the blog.

    I will prob text him back today.

    What hurt the most was there’s no, hi! How are you anymore? This isnt energy giving is it?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:34am

  826. 826: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, dreams make me feel anxious too. I’m not really great at interpreting dreams but I know there have been a few sirens on here who enjoy doing that. I hope they have a go for you.

    I had a dream with all 3 of my ex boyfriends in it in different parts last night. Probably because I was reading about learning from the messages old flames have to give when they show up again.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:37am

  827. 827: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson

    Thanks for your response – it’s good to connect with somebody.

    My main fear is that if I pull back – which I’ve done with my neighbour – then I will be seen as ‘the bad guy’.

    Already my neighbour is showing signs of being tetchy with me, and I feel extremely, extremely anxious and guilty.

    Last night when he came over I didn’t invite him to stay for dinner (even though he could see I was cooking). He kept making comments like oh, that smells nice. Etc…

    I told him I had some stuff to do etc. He more or less stormed off. I had given him a cup of tea and he took about 5 glugs of it, slammed it down and went off. I was left feeling stunned and like I’d done something wrong.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:41am

  828. 828: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria. I really admire that you are open to take a parenting class. I wish all parents were open to this and see it as learning something new, and not that these are classes you only go to if you ‘think’ you are a bad parent. Even parents who are pretty clued up would learn stuff.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:41am

  829. 829: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Smile…at work and still anxious, plus it will be busy..urgh :/

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:42am

  830. 830: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Smile

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:44am

  831. 831: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Also, this triggers simillar incidencies with my mum. I have a huge amount of guilt and anxiety around my relationship with her. I feel terrified that it will be a ‘burdon’ over me forever. I see you also have issues Emerson. Have you found any productive ways to deal with it?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:45am

  832. 832: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Busy is good Tam! X

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 1:50am

  833. 833: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel I am too nice most of the time.. I feel manipulated by people a lot…

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 2:19am

  834. 834: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    My mum is always telling me I’m too nice. She called me a ‘pushover’ once. She had a smile on her face when she said it. It felt really hurtful.

    Maybe i do take stuff personally…

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 2:23am

  835. 835: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really, really upset when I think about this. I don’t want to be around someone who calls me names. Hmmm…

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 2:26am

  836. 836: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Have you shared with your mum how you feel Rebecca when she says things like this?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 2:41am

  837. 837: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, I see it as more a case of having boundaries and saying how you feel ‘in the moment’ rather than being too nice.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 2:47am

  838. 838: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, the following is just me writing about my triggers are questions to the universe and not directed to you.

    I feel triggered by the idea of “too nice”. What is that? Does it mean being nice to people who don’t deserve it? Pretending to be nice?
    What is wrong with being nice? Everyone deserves to be treated nicely. It IS possible to say “no, I don’t want this” and still be nice. I want to be nice. I love nice people, the world needs more of them. (((((nice people))))

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:05am

  839. 839: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hm so he texed in the night and said he did not need an immediate response… Good lol cos I was asleep!

    Normally I would have replied by now out of politeness as I always like to return texts as soon as I have the chance to. But I think it would feel better to text tomorrow now as I’m busy sorting house stuff then going to my friends for tea.

    Also I have decided not to tell him about the sign going up outside the house. I don’t want to prepare him. He can feel the feelings I di when I saw it had first gone up.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:25am

  840. 840: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove,

    I feel happy that you had a nice time with R, but, I feel curious as to whether you are willing to “settle” for only a friendship with him? He seems to make it clear over and over that he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you.
    How long are you willing to wait and potentially leave the door closed for a man to walk into your heart that does want the love you have to offer? I’m also curious as to his relationship with his mother. Because of his illness, how did she treat/relate to him during his early years? Unfortunately, this dynamic between the two of you looks eerily like a mother/child relationship that you are both trying to resolve and seek completion from your own childhoods. Isnt that why we ultimately seek out the people that we do, so we can “do-over” what was ultimately unresolved with our parents or main caregivers? Im sure ill get some flak for this but it really really hurts to see you looking to R for something that he is unwilling or unable to give you. I do believe that he feels a deep affection for you, and will always want you in his life. I’m not trying to “beat” you up, but it feels scary to see you investing so much of yourself into a friendship that won’t ever go further.
    As for K, can you just stop communicating with him completely? Eventually he will give up, especially when he is released from prison.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:36am

  841. 841: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi pitifullly confused. I get the impression that you are both very young but you seem to be very smart. Yes you could have used more feeling messages but you are obviously looking out for yourself. You did great and I believe if you are really feeling that intense the best thing to do is step backwards. This guy is a stranger and yes really wanted sex. I would that this whole incident as a message to myself to slow down when it comes to men.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:42am

  842. 842: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tam I still can’t find that article. Regarding the anxiety, talk to yourself, jump up and down to move the energy around and change your physical state. Work on the mindset that you are hot and that every man would do anything or give everything to have you. Get naked and look at yourself in a full length mirror and think hot sexy chick that is enough for any man.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:55am

  843. 843: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo how about filing something with the courts? Certainly they will give you a reprieve to look for a a place.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 3:58am

  844. 844: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    pitifully confused I feel bad reading and thinking about this name you chose for yourself. You don’t seem pitiful or confused in your writing. You seem like a young lady who has her wits about her and cares about herself.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:02am

  845. 845: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Smile :)

    yeah oh only for people who think they are bad parents no way that feels sad awwww ((((parents who feel traumatized from their own childhoods))))

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:02am

  846. 846: Memulo says:

    Tam, you don’t know if he is dating or not and even if yes, how much of his heart he is investing in it. ‘Signs’ mean nothing. When I am relying on the I’m akways wrong;) the only thing they do is torture ME.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:05am

  847. 847: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens,

    I have been keeping an eye on the blog and droping by every now and again.

    I have just posted some new posts to my blog including one about the Health At Every Size movement.

    If this is something that interests you have a read and let me know what you think:

    http://www.redsirens.co.uk/red-sirens-blog.html

    Julie. xx

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:05am

  848. 848: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((laughing goddess))))))))

    I like that you are satisfying your body’s cravings! Your body has its own wisdom and knows exactly what it’s doing ;)

    I feel excited for when you will share your news but also respectful that you don’t want to share yet …. I also feel a little anxious that by commenting you will feel pressure to share before you are ready.

    But it feels really important for me to say I’m reading what you are sharing :)

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:12am

  849. 849: Memulo says:

    Thank you Daria and FW. I do feel panicked. I tried to go and talk to the landlord who owns a lot of buildings, but he wouldn’t see me, 3 times he wouldn’t and no one from the building management would. I don’t have any experience with this, but doesn’t feel like a human treatment certainly..

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:14am

  850. 850: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Tam if you are going to make up a story make it a good one ( as I was told) ;)

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:14am

  851. 851: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo oh that feels scary.

    Could you say to your man I feel very upset I have a problem and I don’t know what to do about it. Can you help me find a solution?

    Have you ever asked him for help before? I don’t even mean financial I mean supportive help? How did he respond?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:18am

  852. 852: Memulo says:

    My guy said somerhing interesting last time. We go on dates and spend nights together, but there is no intimacy. He compliments me, it feels that he is attracted to me, but then nothing happens. I asked him softly and jokingly and he said: I deliberately shut down all my feelings to get thru my situation. If I didn’t I could harm someone. And to be intimate with you I need my feelings. So I’d rather not.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:21am

  853. 853: Memulo says:

    Thank you Dark Horse. Don’t think I ever asked him for help. I have a problem doing it in general. There were a couple of situations that i shared when he could potentially offer help, but he didn’t, I didn’t ask for it and resolved them myself. in small ways if he notices I need something he does it or if I ask for something he easily does it

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:26am

  854. 854: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning Sirens!

    I woke up thanking and praying to the Universe.

    The pain feels quite vivid now. I miss him terribly.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:26am

  855. 855: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo men can and do shut down their feelings. They are different than us in that way. But for me that says he is emotionally unavailable and it would be a redflag for me.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:27am

  856. 856: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Memulo)))

    Is there any way you could keep your heart open and share your deepest feelings in the moments when you are together? Rori says we have to open our hearts first, even if that means vulnerable. Vulnerable is a good place to be with a man.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:30am

  857. 857: Memulo says:

    FW, this is soooo interesting;) when I heard what he said I felt – wow, our intimacy really does mean something to him emotionally and I better just let him be, he is open and sincere, and serious about it.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:34am

  858. 858: Memulo says:

    SA,

    Thank you, this is a good advice. I need to do more of it. And it does work like a charm every time.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:38am

  859. 859: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam @822,

    The ‘vibe’ you are feeling from M.P (that he is dating) seems more like your NV to me. Maybe prompted by what’s ahead, the trip/move to Florida, maybe making you very anxious in general. Often we will imagine things that are not there. And this can backfire on you. Can you imagine something positive and let go of the outcome at the same time?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:44am

  860. 860: Memulo says:

    I feel wrong asking for help. Even though I know he can help and it won’t be a big sacrifice for him. But I am an independent woman. I can take care of myself – normally lol. I don’t need to trick a man in my life into giving me financial help. he didn’t ask to marry me (and even then I’d feel uncomfortable about taking someone’s money that I did not earn). We are not living together. He pays for all our dates, often quite expensive. I feel wrong to manipulate him into giving me money when he is not offering it. it feels that our relationship won’t be the same if I try something like this

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:46am

  861. 861: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    (((((siren angel))))) how did you leave it with him? He broke up and you said ok goodbye? Sorry not sure I remember that.

    Memulo you can practice asking for help. I have found being direct with men is better than hoping they will offer after I mention something.

    I’ve also learned to be ok with when Lionman says sometimes no I can’t help you with that if he is busy and cant get away. He has many many times helped me financially though when I needed it and is very generous.

    At very least you can say I feel panicked I would feel reassured if you hug me hold me etc. what would make you feel good Memulo?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:48am

  862. 862: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo I understand your feelings! I feel similarly, I want to be ‘good’ and not ask for too much.

    Perhaps this difficult scary situation is happening as an opportunity for you to lean on someone and ask for help?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:52am

  863. 863: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    860 Memulo – Rather than asking for “help”, maybe ask for his advice instead? Or just ask him what he thinks you could do about your situation?

    I’ve not fully caught up but it sounds like you’re about to lose the place you live in, right? I hope it works out for you.

    xxx

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 4:53am

  864. 864: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    He called to breakup. He basically said the kids don’t accept you anymore, they don’t want you around anymore. Then that he loves me, we are connected and so on, that the problem is not with us but with the way the kids see me.

    I gave him the talk about ‘you are absolutely right, things have been bad. I’m sorry.’ then did lean forward again with the parenting class that he knows I want to take and he says ‘it’s too late, their opinion of you is sealed and it would take too much work to change it and I don’t have the energy for it’. I said i understand, then we talked about the kids and how I feel blamed and punished when in fact it’s like a puzzle and that ‘if he can’t see all the puzzle, then he is right, there is nothing we can do, because it can’t be all my fault’. Leaning forward again after ‘The kids are kids, 11 yr old wants more attention, that’s all, he is going through a lot’ then I said also ‘This space you are suggesting will give me time to explore all my options’ and also ‘I feel very vulnerable and sad’ and he said he felt very ‘sad’ too and that ‘it’s really not easy for him, it will be hard, that he could go on with me forever’ but that ‘his gut feeling tells him it would not work with the kids in the long run, that they have completely rejected me to a point that he doesnt think can be fixed’ to which I got triggered and leaned forward again ‘This is because they need more security from YOU right now. Maybe we can not see each other with the kids for a little while then reintegrate slowly’ and he says ‘I don’t think it will work with them’ and that he ‘doesnt want to do this but has no choice’ then at some point I said again about the space and ‘I want a partner’ then he went very silent and I felt there was not much too say and did not feel well (quite faint) so I said ‘I don’t feel well, I want to go now’ and he said ‘talk tomorrow?’ (WHY?) to which I said ‘I don’t know, I will see how I feel, I don’t know when I will want to talk’ and he said ok and I said ok bye and he said bye.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:01am

  865. 865: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Did I handle it ok?

    I was leaning/leaning back. There was some leaning forward but a lot of leaning back too.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:04am

  866. 866: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone. I’ve been MIA lately because I’ve been really busy and really tired too, probably because my body is still getting back to normal, and I am STILL sick after a MONTH of having this virus! A girl at work had it for 8 weeks!!! Yuk.

    Anyway, I had decided to take my girls out on an “adventure” this weekend, and mentioned it to TH then said “Do you want to come?”.

    I really wasn’t expecting that he would want to, but surprisingly he said he would (!).

    I now know what Rori means when she says to have no expectations and to be surprised! I was surprised alright!!!

    So we had a great day together yesterday (especially my youngest) and TH ended up staying the night too, which was nice. Now that I’m off BCP we couldn’t do much because I’m ovulating right now, so we cuddled most of the night and it was actually quite nice.

    But today I’ve been thinking to myself after some interactions we’ve had that I am not sure I even WANT him anymore… I feel sooooo confused!

    I am LOVING being single and being able to do what I want when I want. I feel so FREE! And now I’m starting to wonder if he and I just aren’t meant to be together?

    I have a feeling, and I feel bad about this, that he is going to end up really hurt if I walk away from him….

    I know it’s not up to me to worry about his feelings, but I do. But I also know that I have to do what’s best for me.

    Confusing times ahead!!!

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:05am

  867. 867: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I like BW’s suggestion on asking what he thinks.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:06am

  868. 868: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    (((SA))) you handled it WAAAYYY better than I would have. It must have been heartbreaking for you.

    Sending love your way.

    xxxxx

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:08am

  869. 869: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Butterfly Wings)))

    This can be confusing. Also, what did your girls think of TH sleeping over? Have you explained the situation to them or do they think he slept over as a friend? I am sorry to bring this up, but having kids, I know how much more complicated things get when we have to manage the kids side and emotions as well.

    Do you think TH would step up eventually? Do you still feel triggered bu the photos you saw on FB?

    Wishing you the wisest decision in your quest.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:11am

  870. 870: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you BW!

    Yes, my heart does feel ‘swollen and heavy’. I have been feeling heartbroken and sad.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:13am

  871. 871: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh siren angel ugh yuck! But you did beautifully! Thank goodnes we have these ideas from Rori to use. If I would be in that situation I would feel so triggered by feelings of my opinion coming second to that of children. I love children but I am an adult and my feelings count as much as theirs!

    I am not a parent so forgive me if I’m wrong but it seems like your man is trying to juggle everything and make it work and feeling a lot of pressure on all sides and he knows it’s not working. He can’t get rid of his children (nor should he I’m not even suggesting that although I do know of some situations where the children were superfluous to the infatuation of a new relationship tho that is not your situation I just mean the balance was wrong in the opposite direction) so something has to change.

    In your shoes I would lean all the way back, no contact, take that parenting class and get really clear on what you want so that if he shows up again you both know where you are starting out from. Does that make sense?

    I would be embarrassed to tell you how unstable my relationship with Lionman has been, it takes two to tango.
    But in our breakups he knows what is not ok with me.

    If your man calls which I fel pretty sure he will I would have a speech ready about what you want … And then take the risk of no contact and be prepared to be surprised! If he is the one you want.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:16am

  872. 872: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and we also talked about the weekend we just had, that the kids WERE much warmer too me than on vacation, and he ‘thought’ it had been ‘fixed’ and that he was surprised that on Monday night when he was alone with them all of a sudden 11 yr old started talking about how he wants to spend more time alone with his dad and weekends alone (M and 3 kids) without me and my kiddie around. Apparently 11 yr old said ‘he doesnt want me around’.

    And we talked about how kids (I said) ‘have no grasp of the long term or consequences’ that ‘they will probably miss me’

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:19am

  873. 873: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Then talking with my mother last night, she clicked and said the 11 yr old probably is just sending a message to his dad by being forceful on me but does not really mean that ‘he doesnt want to see me again’ as in NEVER see me again. That he is looking for some validation that his dad would choose him over me, but not thinking he will actually go ahead and do that and that they would never see us again! I wish M could see that.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:22am

  874. 874: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    SA, yes I’ve talked to my eldest about what’s happening with TH and that we are still “seeing” each other, but are taking space so I can deal with my depression etc.

    My youngest is only here every second weekend, so if he’s here or not really doesn’t bother her too much – she just sees him as someone she can have fun with sometimes, so I’m not too worried about her at this stage, and she is still quite young.

    Even if TH WAS going to step up, I’m not sure I even want him to anymore! How far I have come from being totally obsessed about him!!

    I do feel kind of triggered by his comments on the photos but at the same time I know they mean nothing. Not sure if that makes sense…?? :)

    I suppose really all I can do is just take each day, one at a time and deal with anything as it arises. If he does want to come back, I know I will have to think about it. Funny how a month ago, it would have been a definite yes!!

    And I’m wondering if that’s because I’m liking single life so much? I really thought life would be lonely and desolate when things ended with him, but the reality has been VERY different (see pic I just posted in Siren Island! lol).

    I feel very surprised at how I feel about my situation right now, and also happy and relieved, because I know I’m going to be ok no matter what! :)

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:22am

  875. 875: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    The kid is testing his dad’s love for him and comparing his dad’s love for him and me.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:24am

  876. 876: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    ”In your shoes I would lean all the way back, no contact, take that parenting class and get really clear on what you want so that if he shows up again you both know where you are starting out from. Does tat make sense? ” ABSOLUTELY! That is what I am trying to do, I do need to shift my ‘focus’ right now.

    I feel inspired by your story with Lionman, because he did move forward even if you are not ‘together’ right right now.

    I believe, like you, that if M comes back I will still have a lot of questionning about his patterns and such.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:26am

  877. 877: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    BW,

    I feel inspired by you that you have managed to move into a more calm space. I feel it in your vibe.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:28am

  878. 878: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I hardly overtake notice of my horoscope but this past week with the full moon I’ve checked it out. Today’s seems highly accurate!

    Libra September 2 – Your relationship with a former, current, or potential partner has challenged you to be flexible for almost two years. This may be about one person or a series of them. It takes its emotional toll. But now, you can look back and take it all in.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:29am

  879. 879: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    SA I think that’s very wise what your mom said about 11 year old wanting validation that he would choose him over you.

    I’m wondering what would you have done if you were in his shoes? I guess you would be able to see that 11 yr old needed reassurance and would give him more alone time with you? Also I don’t mean to offend any parents but is it wise to allow children to rule the roost so to speak? Is it not creating a bigger problem down the road? Again I am not a parent so I’m just curious to know.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:33am

  880. 880: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    877 SA – It feels really good to read that. And yes, I do feel calm – and happy!

    I know a big part of that is the drugs leaving my system and my “old” self returning too. But also it’s because I have realised over the last month that I will be ok, no matter what happens with TH.

    And I suppose I’m so ok with my life right now, that I’m not sure I even WANT TH to be a part of my future!

    He’s such a good guy and has some wonderful qualities, but there are some aspects of him that I’m just not sure I want in my life right now. He can be moody, he’s really really quiet, he can be critical, and he’s also quite “closed”.

    But I do know these are just aspects of his personality. Up to me now to decide if I want somebody like that in my life or not. I’m starting to think not…. :(

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:37am

  881. 881: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    so Today I experience to be on the side of men; I forgot to return a call because I was so busy getting my son school stuff; then we decided to rent a movie and pizza’ I like spending quality time with my son. This morning I got a text from the guy “you didn’t call me; good Luck!!! I was like “ok, Good luck to you as well :) ”

    him: “you appear to be a wack”

    Me: That feels weird to read, I don’t like to make judgment of people I don’t know; I have a life besides my cell phone…

    him: you should do as you say, don’t contact me again…

    Me: deleted his name, and smiled lol

    I don feel bad for having a life,I was going to return his call today gee!

    One reason face to face meeting is better that POF

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:38am

  882. 882: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    SA I’m glad my story with Lionman inspired you. Yes he often does move forward with me when I lean back but I still can over function. Just yesterday I found myself making ‘helpful’ suggestions to him about something he could do.

    As for patterns I’m trying to work on looking at my patterns. One is reassuring him in word and deed that he has my unwavering affection. I’ve shared that I believe I do that to reassure his insecurity but its really what I want him to do for me. I treat him the way I want him to treat me. I know that’s an ideal we are supposed to live by but I think sometimes it is better for me to treat him in response to the way he is treating me rather than the ideal of how I wish he was treating me ;)

    SA tell me about cd ing? Have you done much? I feel really scared to do it but I think it would be good for me to consider my options? I need help with it!

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:41am

  883. 883: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel 806-

    I’m still not feeling ready to internet dating so felt this was my starting place.
    Seems your POF guy showed his insecurities early on!

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 5:49am

  884. 884: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse

    ‘I guess you would be able to see that 11 yr old needed reassurance and would give him more alone time with you? Also I don’t mean to offend any parents but is it wise to allow children to rule the roost so to speak? Is it not creating a bigger problem down the road? ‘

    Yes, my son has needed ‘me alone with mommy’ time too in the past and what we did (M’s suggestion0 is that I would spend the 1st night when he is back from his dad’s at my place alone with kiddie. There is also the ‘transition’ period of one parents house to anothers that can be tricky in shared custody. What I am having a problem with is how M can’t see the same thing in his own children, because he doesnt want to or to deal with it, and how he makes it all my ‘fault’ when it might not be as complicated or as one sided as he suggests.

    I tend to agree it is creating a bigger problem down the road. The kids have now ‘won’. I tend to think it woud be even worse with another woman now that he let them win.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:22am

  885. 885: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    With Lionman, if he suggested things in the past you are not comfortable with, do you see that has changed now? That he would not ask you these things again?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:23am

  886. 886: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    ‘One is reassuring him in word and deed that he has my unwavering affection. I’ve shared that I believe I do that to reassure his insecurity but its really what I want him to do for me. I treat him the way I want him to treat me. I know that’s an ideal we are supposed to live by but I think sometimes it is better for me to treat him in response to the way he is treating me rather than the ideal of how I wish he was treating me ;) ’

    How about being loving and open and sharing how he treats you makes you feel in a somewhat still loving and sharing way?

    I also read a relationship coach say (and it sounds terrible at first) to treat men like dogs. In the sense that you respond positively to good behavior and you ignore the bad behavior.

    Now I just wondered if maybe that’s the trick I am missing with M’s kids… oh.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:27am

  887. 887: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    BW @880,

    Everybody has their quirks, it’s up to you to know what you want and to set that.

    Also, some quirks are better than others… you never know what you could get in another man as quirks.

    Like Rori says, it’s all about how you feel when you are in his presence.

    I know I feel wonderful in M’s presence.

    xx

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:29am

  888. 888: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    SA wow that is so interesting that M suggested that solution for you and your child but won’t see that that might be a solution for his child. I feel that maybe its really the 11 year old rather than the children the two younger ones are probably just following his lead.

    Sometimes when I am mad at someone I try to flip it by feeling compassion for them or seeing their good points. It helps me not get into a me versus them situation. Can you think of things you like about this child? Can you list some good things? That sometimes helps me ….

    Right now I’m super mad at a lady who is elderly. It feels bad for me to be mad an elderly person! (or child) …. But still, I’m mad at them! So I will take my own advice and find some good things about them!

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:32am

  889. 889: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am also feeling lost and confused because I put my house up for sale. One of the main reasons was to move in the same apartment complex (M’s idea) until he can sell his house (ex wife lives in) in July 2013 and we find the perfect house.

    The contract is up for renewal and I don’t know what to do.

    I live in an area where there are not a lot of apartments and I feel really scared if I sell my house I won’t know where to go.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:33am

  890. 890: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    773: Daria says:

    “Raising Non-Violent Children

    By Bonnie Harris

    Ever fear your child turning violent? Consistent sibling slugs, pushing on the playground, provoking a pet, throwing things, threatening to “kill” someone, easily provokes us to catastrophize and project our child into juvenile delinquency We do it in a nano-second. We try to stop the hitting, yelling, and angry outbursts with threats, punishment, and our own angry outbursts in an attempt to raise kind, peaceful children. We set the stage for just the opposite.

    Anger is a natural human feeling. Instead of fearing it and trying to repress it in our children, we need to give anger and aggression an outlet. When we learn as children that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, we believe we are bad when those natural feelings arise. We learn this from parents who had their feelings squashed. Few of us learned how to express our anger appropriately, so we fear it in our children.

    Strict censorship of negative emotions may suppress feelings in some children yet cause problems in the long term. Many become depressed, can’t stand up for themselves, freeze at challenges, cannot make decisions, etc. Medications and addictions often result.

    Other children are less able to suppress angry energy due to more emotional, aggressive inborn temperaments. Continual negative feedback with punishment, threats, and disapproval, can turn children into bullies outside the home, power hungry adults in the workplace, and dictatorial, angry parents. Some progress to violent behavior. When natural energies are thwarted by threats, punishment, withdrawal of love, or isolation, those energies fester and retaliation becomes the logical option. To raise peaceful, non-violent children, we need to empower them, parenting in a way that may feel counterintuitive. Aggressive energy does not turn violent when given proper outlets and support. Parents usually fear that indulging negative feelings gives permission for negative behavior. Just the opposite is true.

    Tips To Diffuse Anger:
    Parent the child you have, not the child you want. Allow natural aggression. Channel it into appropriate behavior.
    Allow all feelings. Don’t say, “It’s not nice to say things like that about your friends/brother.” Or, We don’t say hate in this house.”
    Acknowledge that everyone gets angry and frustrated.
    Provide outlets for anger:
    Squish a clay ball representing the angry target
    Draw feelings with colorful markers
    Punch a pillow representing the person
    Bang on a piano
    Punch a punching bag
    Jump on a bed or trampoline
    Role play with child. Take turns being the child and target of anger. Allow anything to be said.
    If your child is mad at you:
    Don’t take it personally. It’s temporary. It’s about your child, not you.
    Don’t react.
    Acknowledge. “Wow, you’re really mad at me. I hear you.”
    Hold a pillow in front of you and allow child to punch it.
    Offer similar vents to above
    Walk away, do nothing, and wait until later when you are both calm.
    You are the facilitator of the energy outlet. You are in control. Your child can safely release her feelings and gain empowerment in the release so the feelings needn’t do harm.

    Only after feelings are purged, discuss what the child would like to do or say for real. Don’t direct; give her the authority to decide for herself. In this safe space after feelings have been expressed and accepted, she knows what is right and wrong. Trust the process. In some cases, this process needs to be repeated several times. When you stay calm, she can yell what she wants. Then she will calm, be better able to say what she meant, or spontaneously apologize and make amends.

    Bear witness to your child’s feelings, be a sounding board, and your child will feel accepted and okay about himself. From this place there is no need for negative or violent behavior. Only when feelings are not allowed does the child feel wrong and unacceptable. Uncooperative, resistant behavior is an attempt to gain power. Allow the feelings and you empower your child.

    http://www.bonnieharris.com/raising-non-violent-children.html.

    I feel sad I have done this with my kids and this plain has not worked.
    They both express their negative feelings honestly.
    And are facilitated in choosing to hit pillows or other things.
    And they just do not seem able to do it, they come back and verbally and physically attack the person.

    So have always told both of them they have every right to feel what they feel.
    Neither are able to do this in a non blaming way.
    In reality how many of us are able to do that?
    Especially if someone has agreed or promised to do something and then doesn’t do it.
    They are accountable after all.
    And will soon find out in the real world as adults in the workplace, you’ll get the sack or go out of business if you don’t take responsibility when a mistake is made and do your best to rectify it.
    Or relationships will break down.

    This following is not is not my truth at all. And just not real.
    “Bear witness to your child’s feelings, be a sounding board, and your child will feel accepted and okay about himself. From this place there is no need for negative or violent behavior. Only when feelings are not allowed does the child feel wrong and unacceptable. Uncooperative, resistant behavior is an attempt to gain power. Allow the feelings and you empower your child.”

    I bear witness and my children are still violent with each other and their Dad. Not ver often with me additionally.
    And nine times out of ten if they plain and simple don’t want to do something with refuse unless their is a consequence that they are verbally told will happen if they chose not to comply with my request.

    They want a reason for doing what I have asked. And if they don’t agree with the reason they want to debate it and get me in a verbal lock in.
    Which feels very very wearing.
    And sometimes in reality we have no time for these lock ins.

    The world is unworkable without rules and consequences either as a ‘threat’ or reverse ‘threat’

    How on earth for instance do you get a child to co- operate if they will not turn tv off beacuse they do not understand the concept of time, or just don’t care if they are late. when it is time to go to school if they will be late if they don’t?

    What I do is say.
    “I hear that you don’t want to turn in off, go to school.”
    “Now you can choose to turn tv off now and have tele later.” Or I will turn in off and no tele tomorrow or rest of the day if it causes these arguments.”
    And follow it through if they chose not to.

    REALITY. If thet are late or don’t go I either have to homeschool. Or get fined yes i get a consequence if my child is continually later or doesn’t turn up for school.
    And eventuallu would end up in jail if I didn’t sort the problem out.

    Same thing at night if they don’t want to go to bed.
    The spiralling effect on that is tired children who do not want to get up.
    Tiredness makes us less tolerant and then we have more anger.
    And joy what a lovely little negative cycle we have going on then.
    Throw in a mix of eating what they want demanding CRAP food and etc.

    Children may be upset that they want to eat lots of sweet stuff and have as much screen time tv ds playstation, computer whatever.

    Yes I hear they maybe upset and angry because they can’t do what they want.
    Thet feel what they feel.
    They then get a choice comply or kick off and refuse and get a consequence.

    Without the ‘threat’ or reverse ‘threat’ of a consequence consequence reality they will not comply.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:40am

  891. 891: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse,

    I agree that the older one takes the lead and the little ones complain actually about his ‘controlling’ them.

    ‘Sometimes when I am mad at someone I try to flip it by feeling compassion for them or seeing their good points. It helps me not get into a me versus them situation. Can you think of things you like about this child? Can you list some good things? That sometimes helps me ….’

    I have turned it into compassion, yes. I understand where he is coming from, feeling insecure, probably manipulated by mother which must make him very anxious. I just wish M would see all the facets of it instead of blaming it all on me and my ‘behavior’. I have opened my heart to these kids, I do love them. But I can’t help being upset that nothing is done to change anything. Things will go on just the way they are if M doesnt do anything about the controlling the smaller kids and the violence they have for each other (hitting each other for no reason, literally, they just hit with no warning and sometimes no trigger.)

    In fact, M has even suggested all our kids are ADHD. I don’t believe this is the case. I have an older ADHD child (18) and it seems obvious 11 yr old is but not the others. And I feel the younger ones are becoming more and more violent and agitated because there is no limits and especially no issue with his ‘controlling’ the others.

    Anyway, I can’t do anything about it now. I love them and accept them just as they are. It really should be work that comes from the parents.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:40am

  892. 892: Dark horseNo Gravatar says:

    SA thanks for a great question. It really clarifies something for me. No Lionman would totally try to get me to do what I said I didn’t want to do (it’s to do with putting his feelings ahead of mine and tolerating friendships with other women) ….. And because I’m happy he is leaning forward my pattern is to totally let that boundary be pushed right over and we go back to where we were with me tolerating it. But this time I’m not doing it. It’s already come up sorry to be vague I don’t want to go into too much detail. And me sticking to this boundary inconveniences me no end so it’s hard to not just say oh it doesn’t matter. It’s about saying no to myself not just to him. Oh I hope I will stick to it!

    I am not a super jealous person but my lack of boundaries has lead to a lot of triggering in this regard. I know it’s coming up to be healed.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:41am

  893. 893: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie,

    Thank you for the courage in debating this.

    It has brought up a touchy point that I have let go for relationships interest.

    M’s kids (whom he says are all ADHD but I believe 11 yr old only is) eat candy ALL THE TIME and drink soda pop and fruit juice too. My son does not like candy (but he likes cookies, cakes and chocolate). I actually think it is fine with candy, but I have a oroblem with it being accessible all day, in a cupboard that is reachable and the door is actually open all day! It is the 1st thing they go for when they wake up in the morning and sometimes also when they are hungry but supper is just about to be ready, they will sneak and take candy. It just triggers me because having an ADHD older son, I never had soda pop or candy at home and would limit these to special occasional trips to the store to get a little candy (not several huge bags per week). This has triggered me in the past that M does not control the candy situation when the kids are agitated and 11 yr old takes meds to control ADHD. It just seems wrong to me to give your kids meds and then let him eat candy as much as he wants all day, it is counterproductive and certainly unhealthy.

    Anyway, like I said, I have completely let that go (and I am not even talking about their diet, one of them will only and only eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs witthout the bread)

    But this is all minor stuff to me. What hurts is the violent behavior and the rudeness and lies. And that I am the one made to be with the ‘problem’ and ‘wrong’.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:51am

  894. 894: (not so) pitifully confusedNo Gravatar says:

    dear linda and femininewoman,

    i feel very validated by both of your comments – i am truly grateful and touched. thank you for your replies. i woke up this morning thinking of rori’s ‘strong on the inside, soft on the outside’ tool and imagined myself writing this guy in feeling messages. i felt contained and clearer that really what i want is my own integrity, not him.

    after reading your replies, i feel relieved and can let go of this. i’m also clearer that anytime i’m inauthentic in a relationship, even at the very beginning, i’m basically dooming myself to failure and squelched feelings – because it’s never a failure if i’m honest with the guy. He can come or go, but at least I know I’m being true to myself, and at the end of the day, that’s really the main thing that brings me happiness.

    Thanks so much for being there for me!
    xoxoxo

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:52am

  895. 895: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Dark Horse)))

    It feels great you have come to a place where you can ask yourself ‘What do i need to learn from Lionman’?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:54am

  896. 896: StargirlNo Gravatar says:

    (((Siren Angel))) If you like your house, why move? I am sad that it sounds like M is not choosing you. You deserve someone who will fight for you to the end and never let you go.

    Sirens, I need advice!

    My CD since March makes the worst jokes. How should I respond? He is very sweet. My sister says it shouldn’t be a dealbreaker and her fiancee does the same thing. But it makes me cringe sometimes. I try not to judge but it creeps in. We are distance right now so if he writes it in a message I just don’t respond until he says something intelligent. It kind of highlights the fact that I am finishing my Master’s and he doesn’t have an Associate’s- but he has some very excellent technical skills (mechanics). It is starting to bother me and is giving me some doubts. Any thoughts?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 6:56am

  897. 897: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    so D hasn’t contacted me since thursday; not surprise, he does this and now I know it is game playing, before I thought it was just him being a man…I feel so turned off by this. I like men who are straight forward and say it like it is, I respect men that can have a back bone…

    I deleted his number to avoid temptations and I admit that this ‘experiment’ got me hormonally attached to him. I wanted to know what it was to be casual and free, but I ended wanting more. and even though I am still marriage phobic a little, I still want more than 30 minutes of cheap sex and lame texting. Again I am starting with a blank canvas…

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:04am

  898. 898: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile,

    When I try and talk to her in any shape or form she normally walks away or re-directs it back at me. She is the queen of leaning back..

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:10am

  899. 899: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Luzydel)))

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:16am

  900. 900: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Stargirl,

    Like Rori says in one of her programs, you choose. Are you CDing?

    Also, I would try to see if this is a deal breaker for me. Is it something that annoyed you from the start? Do you think you will ever see it as an ‘eandearing quirk’?

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:18am

  901. 901: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Annie,

    I feel very curious…

    Are you talking about your kids in the post above in the Reality comments?

    And if so, have you had successes and how?

    Many thanks

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:19am

  902. 902: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl

    I completely get where you are coming from and you raise some good points. I have an issue when someone calls me ‘too nice’ because I think logically, what is the opposite of this ‘too nasty’ ??

    Yes, and also I agree that I possibly am ‘too nice’ to people because I want to ‘win’ their affection.

    I was only thinking about it today with my neighbour – I feel that I am over generous as he has helped me with things in the past and I feel I need to repay him. Yet, for some reason I still feel like I owe him, like I am taking ‘advantage’ of him. But I’m beginning to think it is never ending.

    I love ‘being nice’ – it is possibly addictive. I guess it’s because I am avoiding other things in my life I feel. I think it’s like a surface thing. If I have a ‘nice life’, with ‘nice friends;, etc, then therefore I can tell myself I’m happy, when deep down I’m not.

    Oooh, I feel triggered – I feel that phrase ‘I’m beating myself up again’ and I know it’s not allowed on here, but underneath it all that’s ‘still’ how I feel. Okay, some days more than others.. I often feel I am in a deep, deep mess… and am ashamed of my life…I feel like I am stuffing everything under the bed. My life looks nice, neat and tidy but underneath is all this crap..

    I guess it’s a double edge sword of being nice, but not too nice that I start to feel anger and resentment.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:21am

  903. 903: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    SA,

    I jut wanted to let you know that I really feel he needs to experience missing you. To the extent that he calls and you don’t pick up the phone.

    When someone promises you this much and we all know at the end it reads in good times and in bad times and encourages you to put your house on sale, i.e. changing your and your kid’s life completely for him and his family and X months later tells you he changed his mind because of what his 11-year old tells him – it feels unacceptable. Is it because he knows that if he wants you again it won’t be too hard to get you back? My humble opinion is that from this point on it should be extremely hard to get you back. Close to impossible. One way or another he should take the full responsibility for his actions. Right now he is responsible for losing you. Please let him live with it.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:35am

  904. 904: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    No contact yet and I feel painful.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:37am

  905. 905: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    The teachers and councilors at school brought my mom in for a meeting.

    They told her they had formed the opinion that my brother was learning disabled, possibly deaf, and at the worst mentally handicapped. They told her he could not read at all. They could not even get him to hold eye contact when speaking to him.

    She held firm. M knows how to read. He talks fine and makes eye contact no problem.

    They told her she was in denial. The wanted to put him into a special program for kids with learning challenges.

    No way! She told them. She would not allow it. It would hold him back. He was NOT challenged.

    They would not allow him back into regular classes. They were convinced, and firm. They were angry at HER and said SHE was holding him back. She told them she would home school him before she would put him in a program for kis with challenges. She knew her son. He was not learning disabled.

    So, she took him for independant testing. He scored at extremely high levels. Way above average. He ended up in gifted programs all the way through elementary/highschool . He graduated #1 in a class of over 500 and rode a full entry scholarship into UBC’s Science 1 program. Only 20 people were accepted in.

    I don’t know the lesson here, but be intuitive with your kids. Don’t just listen to what someone tells you. If my mom had just accepted what they said where would he be now? I wonder…

    He was not challenged. That is why they though he had difficulties. He was not CHALLENGED.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:37am

  906. 906: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder how many other gifted (and awesomely weird)?children this has happened to. Feels like tight discomfort in my chest.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:41am

  907. 907: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Dark Horse:

    I don’t know that I can find the words to describe how moved I felt reading your post to me. I feel understood and supported and really touched. Thank you <3

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:41am

  908. 908: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo,

    You don’t know how good it makes me feel to read that. Yes he needs his space, I totally agree. I can’t help feeling really vulnerable right now.

    ‘. Is it because he knows that if he wants you again it won’t be too hard to get you back? My humble opinion is that from this point on it should be extremely hard to get you back. Close to impossible. One way or another he should take the full responsibility for his actions. Right now he is responsible for losing you. Please let him live with it.’

    As you know, he has done this twice in the past for about 2 week intervals and then we would get back together. So I agree, that at this point, he probably has it wired in his head that he can do this and come back if he wants to. I am struggling with the ‘how’ I will remain open AND make it hard for him to come back. It somehow feels inauthentic. And I still don’t think he sees it as being other than all my fault, yet. I believe for this to happen, the kids would have to ask to see me and kiddie (they will probably ask for kiddie before). He has brought up the idea of being ‘friends’ so ‘the kids can see each other’ but I told him I don’t need another friend in my life right now and I need to make room for a relationship. I tried to follow the rules strictly. I know he will miss me and that he loves me and I agree that he has to feel the full force of his loss, or possible loss, to come back.

    I am afraid, that like the 2 last times, he will waste no time in reposting an online profile. This really triggers me as being one of his patterns. And it makes me feel very vulnerable.

    I hope love will prevail.

    Sunday, 2 September 2012 @ 7:44am

  909. 909: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Pitifully Confused,

    807 – “Sirens, did I make a big mistake?

    On Thursday a guy stood me up for a date and then texted me that night (at 2am) ‘miss u xxooo’. I texted him the next morning ‘You stood me up and then send me a ‘miss u’ text – I want a real relationship. Please do not contact me anymore.’ I felt good after sending this, but now I am feeling a longing for our connection, which felt amazing.

    I would love to have your assessment – was he just in it for the sex??