What’s the difference between speaking to a man from your heart or just having a “talk” with him?
To start: If you approach communicating with your man as a “talk,” that assumes some kind of reaction, cooperation and participation from him.
It creates an “agenda” for you, which means you come to the “talk” with an IDEA of how it should go and what you want from it.
This is great if you’ re negotiating.
But only if what you’re negotiating for is to feel good about whatever happens.
Too often, we come to a negotiation with an outcome in mind.
Even though we say it’s a fair negotiation, usually we really want something specific from it, and we’ll be disappointed if we don’t get that.
That’s why I don’t talk about having “talks” with your man.
Instead, I teach you to write “speeches.”
A SPEECH is something you can write out beforehand, using everything you know about Feeling Messages, that EXPRESSES to your man exactly what you’re feeling.
And you can prepare it in advance as much as you can so that you don’t fall into any of the communication traps – like making him wrong, or telling him what to do, or trying to get your way, or trying to control the situation in any way.
So try this:
1. Ask yourself if you’re talking to your man because you want an OUTCOME – a RESULT – or if you just want the experience of sharing feelings and thoughts and your heart with him.
If you get an answer from yourself that you WANT SOMETHING from a man – that’s your signal to sit down and think and write and feel your way to a better way to communicate with him.
2. Take out a piece of paper and write down what you THINK you want to say to him.
3. Now look at what you wrote carefully, and edit it with a tough eye…make sure you’re not telling him what you want him to do, or what he did wrong, or what he should be doing or thinking or saying to make you happy (or make him a good man) – and make sure you’re not complaining or harping or suggesting or any of the things you’ll find in the “4 Rules” in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want.
Cut out anything that sounds like something that would make YOU feel DEFENSIVE if he said it to YOU.
4. Now, replace everything you cut out with a Feeling Message.
If you do this all throughout the day – you’ll begin to turn around even your THOUGHTS!
You’ll start to catch yourself when you’re “blaming” him – or even worse, yourself – for how things are going.
You’ll sit down and write it all out and “translate” everything that comes up for you into words and thoughts that a man can HEAR.
You’ll change the way your thoughts and what you say are “constructed” so that when he “hears” you – he’ll WANT to change for you!