I went thru a very traumatic event in 2008. Grandma died in hospice care November2008. On the day of funeral, my brother had a massive stroke. At the same time, my son was arrested for drug possession and alot of different things (16 yo). Husband(Nick) was still in Iraq, unable to be with me. Then, I had to have removal of pre-cancerous cells having a Total abdominal hysterectomy. There was so much darkness in my life that I was so depressed. All these times, my husband was in Iraq. When he came back, he had to deal with us going to courts for my son’s arrest. We didn’t really have time to be together. Then, he left to go home to Texas (I own a house there). However, I live in California. To make a long story short, he reinstated his ARMY contract without consulting with me first for another 4 yrs. He’s supposed to be out in 2011. Now it got extended to 2013. I was upset but still wanted his love. With all of this, in June..he started to act very distant. I started to feel threatened. It would seem that he kept pushing me away for some reason… I didn’t know if it was another woman. His family assured me that he’ll get his senses back and find his way back to me. In July, he sent me an ARMY ring that claims me as his wife. I talked to him last in August. I have not heard from him for a whole month. On my birthday, Sept 1, 2009 He sent me a huge very expensive bouquet of flowers. But yet, NO calls back from him. I asked the ARMY FRG to check on my husband. to see how he’s coping/adjusting. He came from Iraq-California, spent a month doing courts for my son, went to Texas moving into Washington. The ARMY said that they’ll look into it and will help him for his PTSD.
I don’t know what to do. I feel he just gave up on our family. We were the closest of all couples. He used embarrassed me cause he would constantly kiss me in front of all his family…..Then, now… nothing. What do I do to get him back? I live in California, he now lives in Washington. I am so depressed. His family said to leave him alone. I was leaving him alone until the ARMY told me he admitted he has PTSD. He also stated he needed help bec. he can’t deal with it. He wants to go back to Iraq bec. dealing with the problems over here was too much. I want to be at his side but family says I should just leave him alone. I’m afraid that he’ll find other women or probably with another woman right now. I don’t know. I ‘m so scared of losing him coz he is a great man. Should I leave him alone or should I be at his side? I’m lost and confused. Counseling doesn’t help. I’ve gone to 2 counselors already and they make me more depressed than ever. How do you handle a guy who isn’t normal? My first instinct is to leave him alone. This advise would be for a normal guy. He’s not normal… there’s something wrong with his psyche if he’s just leaving me COLD TURKEY.
Thanks!
Sad chanelle

“It feels so great to hear your voice. If I close my eyes it’s like you’re here.”
“Does that make you happy?”
“Yes, it does.”

(He wants me to be happy = not toxic!) He called later and talked to the kids at home. But this call was for me. He said he would call the next day, and I said that would make me happy. I said thank you.

I’ll let everyone know how we progress after the homecoming in a week.

Thank you, Rori.

So funny. I haven’t lost any weight or changed anything about my physical appearance for two months. Obviously, it’s my insides that changed today!

So, I wanted to share that success.

Series of emails:
—–
From me, Wednesday:

That last part where I said I wished you were home so I could punch you was supposed to make you laugh! I hope it did. The kids want to hear from you, especially Olivia. It would feel great to hear your voice. We are home now, and we will be at home this time tomorrow.

—–
From me, Thursday:

It feels like I’m talking to an empty space. I want to talk to you. I feel totally out of control because I don’t have a phone number for you.

—–
From him, within a couple of hours:

I am sorry I have not called. Dale and I are on 12 hour shifts in an underground facility that does not have exterior phones. With passdowns, I am actually in the bunker from 5PM to 7AM…I just woke up and it is 1230AM your time. In addition, I lost my voice. This has been a fatiguing exercise… Please tell my little girl that I will call this evening. I miss you guys as well…all of you, but I especially miss talking to you. I think you made some very bad decisions when you walked away from me at the airport…but that was your choice. I did not walk away…I stood there waiting to give you a hug and kiss and you walked away…it takes two to hug and kiss…you chose to walk away…that event is something you must look inside for why and what you were trying to accomplish.

I love you and I love the kids…please tell them.

Me

—–
From me:

(first I included responses from the kids, letting him know I had communicated as he requested).

Thank you for the apology. It’s so nice to get a message from you about what you’re doing and what it’s like there. I knew you would be working very hard. It also touched my heart to hear you say that you “especially” miss talking to me. That feels connected, even though you are very far away. I’m looking forward to hearing your (hoarse) voice.

—–
So at first that felt fake. At first I wrote “Quit blaming me and let’s move on!” But I stopped thinking. I re-read what he wrote that made me think that way.

(1) He says he thinks I made a bad decision. He is entitled to his opinion.

(2) He says it takes two to hug and kiss. I agree!

(3) He says I chose to walk away and I need to look deep inside for why, and what I was trying to accomplish. I have, and I like my decision, and I like what I accomplished!

So I did not respond to all that stuff. He didn’t ask my opinion about it. I responded to the good stuff. I hope it won’t take long for him to move away from the “old way” – the blame thing. I can see that when we are face to face, this is going to be difficult for me. I am going to concentrate on his words, not what I think he’s saying.

OK, these are baby steps. Did I miss an opportunity to say more, or is this going the right way? I feel good about it.

“Your little girl cried last night, and again this morning after I sent my email to you. She keeps asking why you haven’t called. I have told her that you may not have a phone where you are, and that there is a time difference that makes it difficult. I keep redirecting her as best I can. I feel really angry about this, like I might hit you if you were standing here. That is real. I love you, and I miss you. And I wish you were here so I could punch you.”

And I think that last part was funny. I don’t know if he will or not, but it was funny AND true! And now I feel better, no matter whether he calls or not.

Still working on not WANTING to be angry, but I’m getting there.