Exploding Anger and How To Deal With Getting Triggered in Love

   

Here’s a great letter to jump off of – it’s all about anger, and control, and punishing ourselves and others...

“Rori, I don’t know what to do. My man does so much for me and some things we talk about make me react in an explosive anger. It almost seems as if it sneaks up on me and the angry words are out of my mouth or in my writing (he lives halfway across the country from me) before I know it. He’s left feeling angry, hurt, used…I’ve tried to control it, ignore the way I felt about some of the stuff he’s said and then a few days later the smallest thing will make me erupt. He says he finds the human body beautiful, so I feel, what makes me special then because I look like every other woman out there….if that makes sense. Thanks, Carrie”

And here’s my answer:

Carrie – I hear you totally – and know this – you are being TRIGGERED.

You have some huge, old, unresolved “stuff” inside – and it just gets triggered by him (likely by any man who loves you…) –

The answer is working with it.

Just know this is about YOU – and the work you need to do is on yourself.

Whenever you feel out of balance and angry – start asking yourself questions…you don’t need to know the “why” – try for the what, and the how you feel, and see if you can work yourself out of the darker feelings into the light without forcing it …

Try to find out what voices in your head are taking control, and why you’re giving UP that control over yourself to those Nasty Voices.

Try to notice when you’re punishing yourself and a man with your anger.

If you can practice expressing your anger with my Riffing Tool, and then learn to express yourself to other people in that way – in Feeling Messages, without blaming them or anyone else, including yourself – everything will change for you.

You explode because that’s your habit.

Because you only KNOW the cycle of stuff, then explode.

I want you to learn something new – to:

1. Catch what you’re feeling.

2. Say out loud – to yourself – to the mirror, to your journal – what you feel in words.

3. Realize that underneath the feeling you speak are more feelings – under anger is pain, and fear, and guilt…

4. Know that those feelings will always be there, that they morph, and revolve – and that you cannot always resolve everything that ever caused you trauma and pain, and you cannot always make sense of everything that happens in your life.

5. Know that the important thing is what you DO with those feelings.

6. The most important thing is to not allow them to RUN you – but allow them to speak to you.

7. And then – turn your attention, your focus, your energy on the good and pleasant and pleasurable feelings that are inside you, too – right next to the ugly and terrifying ones!

Right next to guilt is forgiveness. Right next to fear is bliss. Right next to rage is your funny bone.

There’s no end to how you can move from feeling bad to feeling good WITHOUT having to RELEASE all the pent-up energy into the world, and onto other people.

You can do it all just by following these baby-steps – and being vigilant about it.

If you catch your feelings early – and ATTEND to them – you can tell them that you love them and that they will not run you, that you are choosing to believe the good feeling thoughts that create the good feeling feelings for now.

Some people like affirmations – or “implants” of positive thoughts that are really just the flip-side of the nasty thoughts your Nasty Voice lives on.

I like “Intentions” and talking to yourself about your “strengths.”

I like flipping all thoughts around to the ones that feel the best – because they’re really all in there.

We may believe, on the deepest, most powerful subconscious level, that “there’s something wrong with us” – but that doesn’t make it true.

In fact – it’s utterly impossible that it’s true (for another discussion) – especially if you have any spiritual faith at all.

So – just by knowing that the thought “There’s something wrong with me…” or “My anger hurts people…” is RUNNING you helps you STOP that thought and replace it with “I’m just fine the way I am. I’m totally unique, and the world cannot do without me exactly as I am. I’m perfect. I’m me. I’m supposed to be me, the way I am…” and then (Riffing will help you with this) you can work through what happens when you actually start saying NICE things to yourself!

Start right now. Know this:

If you allow the dark to BE there, the light will just creep up on you.

It’s when we try to stuff DOWN the dark that it spews out all over everyone and our lives.

When you’re angry with a man – you’re really just yelling at yourself.

So – start talking to yourself about your anger – and let me know what you discover.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Tuesday, 6 July 2010 @ 7:29pm

38 Comments to “Exploding Anger and How To Deal With Getting Triggered in Love”

  1. 1: NicoleNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    That was an insightful article! Few years ago, I was in a relationship that the man constant triggered me emotionally. The relationship did end it a very bad way. In hindsight, being triggered was the best thing that could happen to me. I was forced to work through my issues. I realized that my ex was not my life partner.
    It was/is a long process for me to catch my trigger, feel it and release it. It is my internal warning mechanism that I need to ask myself if this relationship is right for me or what unresolved hurt I need to work through.
    Thanks

    Tuesday, 6 July 2010 @ 9:11pm

  2. 2: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori, my feeling were out of control again and I seem to use this site like a magic 8 ball when their like that. I open up my feeling and the first question I come to somehow really hits home. This one sure did. My man was starting to call and take me out again after I did the no calling, “Siren”, circular dating. a taking very good care of myself. Getting back together was really working. Then my job was cut to part time, one of my off spring is in trouble, etc… and I let the Siren” inside of me fade away.
    I made a copy of your answer to Carrie and I’m posting it on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder and a positive way to think about things before I go to sleep. ( I wake up about 3 in the morning with negative thoughts)
    Thanks Rori
    From Kim

    Tuesday, 6 July 2010 @ 10:30pm

  3. 3: ChristyNo Gravatar says:

    This article really hit home for me. A week and a half after exploding on a man, I really feel the necessity of this kind of practice in my life. It can be so hard to love feelings that don’t feel good. Especially because I tend to believe that it’s my ugly,dark, ‘negative’ feelings which make me unloveable. For so many months when I was with thus man I tried to keep the pressure off of him by stuffing, but a pressure began to build up inside of me which eventually exploded, hurting us both and making him want to be as far away from me as possible. I’m really working with myself to see this as a perfect learning experience, which needed to happen, although in many ways the fact that he is afraid to be close to me because of what hapenned is reinforcing my feelings of being unloveable because of my heavier feelings. I go up and down every day, vascillating between whole hearted acceptance and gratitute for his role in my healing, and complete despair, where I want to call him and make him see that I’m not a monster. I feel like one. For now I’m taking 6 weeks to focus on myself: being with my feelings, riffing, using core belief release practices, yoga, Nia, meditation, prayer, and absolutely no alcohol or contact with M, and I won’t be dating other men either. I know I won’t be ‘healed’ after this, but I hope with 6weeks of focused Self-Love, I’ll be ready to move forward, start circular dating, and really stay connected to my feelings this time. I regret deeply that M had to be a sacrifice to my healing process, in the sense that he was the one I pushed away with my anger. I would have loved to be able to share intimacy with him by helping him feel safe with me and my feelings. So sad that chance is gone. Gotta keep moving on.

    Lovely Luna

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 3:48pm

  4. 4: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely Luna…I understand…hugs to you…

    I’m going through kind of a situation…so there’s this guy ill call him MB…we talked alot and texted alot before we met and I had this image of who he was and when we met I was really disappointed…but we kept talking and texting and I feel like I’m starting to have more feelings for the “real” MB and but all we seem to do is text!!! I’ve said I don’t want a text buddy and he agrees…so on Friday he sent me a cute little text and I responded with

    HIM: I know this beautiful girl and I wanted to say hi…do you have her number?

    ME: Don’t call her unless you are going to ask her on a date! She doesn’t want a text buddy ;)

    Well that was the last I’d heard from him…..I feel sad about that.

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 4:45pm

  5. 5: ElayneNo Gravatar says:

    This happens to me all the time. I mostly just kept my mouth shut when I was angry instead of exploding. I wanted to wait until I had time to process what I was feeling before I said something I regretted.

    It’s interesting that Rori posted this, because I think I just figured this out. I’ve found that when I keep control of my anger, meaning, don’t explode, but just tell the man in a straightforward manner that his behavior isn’t working for me, it works well.

    Especially with an emotionally unavailable man…I gave him the speech about his hot and cold and just told him it wasn’t working for me, that he should just move on because I wasn’t interested in FWB or another male friend. (Rori, that line works like a CHARM on a man!) He gave me an excuse as to why he couldn’t be around more, told me that he was sorry, but that was just his life, and his kids were on him about his behavior too. So it’s not just me he’s keeping a bay, which makes me sad. I’ll be OK no matter what, but his kids? Ugh.

    What’s funny about my story is that the guy kept commenting for weeks after I gave him that speech that he thought I was still mad at him. I told him I wasn’t mad because being mad wasn’t going to get me what I want — meaning that I wanted him to come closer! I told him I was more interested in getting the results I wanted rather than hearing him say that I was right about his behavior.

    After he actually started to believe that I wasn’t angry with him, I noticed a profound shift in my relationship with this man. He was more emotionally open than he was before. I think this is what Rori means when she talks about making a man feel “safe.” He actually opened up more because he knew I wasn’t going to sulk, play games, or be mad at him for weeks after I told him I was upset.

    So, I get it! Thanks Rori!

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 6:11pm

  6. 6: IsabellaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so frustrated!!! I feel like I’m outside and there is a party inside and I am locked out. I can see through the windows and there are warm loving Sirens there to be with me and for me to chat with and learn from, but I can’t get to them.
    HELP!!!
    How on earth do you get to the place on this internet blog where you can actually chat with each other??????

    I’m going bonkers : )

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 9:08pm

  7. 7: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    hi girls – i am new here, but have been lurking around and reading since about december. i don’t want to get too carried away with my entire story, but i do want to know if anyone has seen feeling messages backfire? i have not yet bought rori’s programs, but i have read the ebook and as a former MAJOR overfunctioner i fully understand WHY it should work.

    i’ve been trying feeling messages with the man ive been dating for 2 months. thing is, he makes me feel like a baby when i am just being honest about how i feel (as opposed to stuffing all those emotions down or lying about them like i have my entire life). i have not overfunctioned, i have let him plan the dates, pay, cook for me, and intiate. things seemed to go pretty well. he even told he is falling in love with me literally in the first month. the problem is, right after he said that he kind of backed away, meaning maybe not call me all week, or maybe send me texts that don’t ask questions or engage me…… which led to no communication. anytime i’ve told him that i feel lonely and neglected as compared to how things were at the start he mocks my feelings, calling me melodramatic and making fun of my “neglect! neglect!” nonsense (his words not mine). so now i feel like i would have been better off pretending i didn’t feel pushed aside, but inside i only wanted him to reach out to me as much as he did in the beginning. when i said that his phone calls would have felt good, he said “well it’s not like you call me”. again, i was feeling proud of my ability to lean back for the first time in my life…….. and i got chastized for it. how do you girls handle this? and, is he just not the right guy to practice feeling messages on?? we got into a fight over him meeting another girl from the dating site for dinner last week, and although i have been trying to tell him how it makes me feel, he tells me he won’t *empathize* with me because my concerns are imaginary (he claims they only went out as friends….. but she was from the dating site where he met me, so come on….. plus he should be consumed with pursuing me, not others!). he broke up with me via TEXT MESSAGE yesterday, which is ABSURD for a 32 y.o. man, and i know i should be relieved…… but i guess my point is that i expected the feeling messages to CONNECT us, but it really felt like they were putting a wedge between us, and making him think less of me; i felt weak telling him how i felt. i can say, that leaning back, staying in the moment, and being 100% honest about how i felt every step of the way has led to me having no regrets and this breakup hurting less than any other i’ve ever had. and for that i guess i am thankful. i feel excited to try again with the next guy, and if he doesn’t step up and act like a caring man, NEXT!!! i really enjoy the concept of not rowing, because if i don’t…… either he rows, or we drown.

    any thoughts or comments from you pros on men not dealing with your emotions or feelings well???

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 12:45pm

  8. 8: faubourgNo Gravatar says:

    I have discovered your blog and advice, it seems so amazingly what i need right now in my life, thank you so much!!!. i am almost 39, lonely, terribly ashamed of my past and i don’t know what to do to get my love life started (with consciousness i mean and implication). I have dated men mostly unavailable in different ways but unavailable for sure and really not generous for me (i am glad if they buy me a coffee..). Some were wonderfully sensitive and kind though but toxic still. I realize that i have hidden my very very very extremely low self esteem behind loads of smiles and i don’t care i am fine i don’t need love in my life and i don’t deserve nothing anyway (really i sense it has normal not to have anything for me). Now i face the void, it is so hard and still i am in denial, i think i need to FEEL what i want for myself and face the truth that my reality is not the real thing, there are men out there and love too. Mr right you call him. Last night i sent him a good night kiss, i don’t know him yet but i am already getting in touch with him and that feels soooo good. The circular dating thing scares me to death anyway when a man approaches i am so scared and also I tend to attract what i would call “losers” or mysogins. dull men for me. the ones i find appealing do not see me or i do not see that they see me. don’t know… thank you for this blog, it is human love. excuse my french…

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 1:47pm

  9. 9: lmNo Gravatar says:

    this is great! i have been really working on anger when my relationship broke down because of constant fighting. i find that asking myself how I AM being awful to ME and making myself angry is very helpful. Am i giving myself up? Am i ignoring my own needs to deal with his? Am I saying awful things to myself?…

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 3:46pm

  10. 10: anneNo Gravatar says:

    hey rori, can you tell us what you think about the split between Jake and Vienna from the previous The Bachelor? thanks!!

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 9:39pm

  11. 11: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    isabella – so sorry – it takes me a day to go through “moderation” – you are now free to talk! Love, Rori

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 8:48am

  12. 12: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    thirtyseven, Welcome, and what a great, wonderful story, thank you for sharing – because you went through an amazing process here. You practiced with him – and he wasn’t worthy. The only man worth seeing is one who’s crazy about you. If there’s ever a question about that – drop him. When you get that perspective, everything will change for you. Circular Dating will help you practice more and more – and then you’ll get some experience and see how different men are – and see how you feel about the way they behave toward you. If he doesn’t want you…there are things at work that are not under your control (his feelings aren’t under your control ever, anyway…) and the ONLY way to find out if that’s the case is to bare your heart, use Feeling Messages and let yourself be SEEN. If that’s not what he wants – you’ll be BORED with him! Love, Rori

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 9:07am

  13. 13: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    faubourg, Welcome, and I’m so glad you found us here. We’ll help you all we can to feel stronger inside, so you can let go and be softer on your outside. If you’re scared to Circular Date – then that’s absolutely what you need to DO for yourself – get some experience and some practice. Love, Rori

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 9:09am

  14. 14: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    intellectually i know it is the first of many new dating experiences. but emotionally i LIKED him and MISS HIM and realllllllly wish he would have stepped up. put his money where his mouth was. even though he was not my typical type – and that is a GOOD thing, trust me…… the chemistry we have is incredible. he is a computer programmer, and honestly has not really shown or expressed any emotions – happy, sad, mad, anxious – any really at all – to me. he seems cold/logical, yet his words were always warm. i felt the need to tell him that i am not a computer, that i have feelings, triggers, emotions, quirks…… and he cannot say that he loves me if he views my emotions as “bad code”!!

    for the first time in my dating history, i feel true to myself, and that is HUGE to me. i have a new date tonight. i’m not wasting any time because i know that i’m an amazing and unique person. if comp. guy wants to come chase me down, that’s great. if not, i will not be waiting or expecting it. :) i mentioned 2 days ago to someone else on the dating site that i would love to go see a particular band tonight, and this guy went and got tickets, and texted, what time should i pick you up? OMG. it just materialized! but i will be watching and taking notes and moving s-l-o-w-l-y.

    so was that fight with comp. guy his chance to either step up or step away? he stepped away….. BY TEXT MESSAGE!!! all the while insulting my feelings and accusing me of viewing things as half empty; choosing to focus on the negative instead of the positive. but if he really wanted me, he would have come to me physically and told me that he cares, not play the blame game via text msg. right??! i plan to continue using your tools, and coming here to share experiences. i’ve learned so much here; thanks rori!! xx

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 9:51am

  15. 15: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Isabella!

    Welcome to the party! You’re in! LOL! And it is a 24 hour a day slumber party with a bunch of wonderful women who are so supportive, fun, and wise!

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 7:46am

  16. 16: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi thirtyseven! Welcome! I feel sad for you that you are going thru that pain right now. Let me ask you this: when you gave him the feeling messages about wanting him to call, etc, were you initiating contact?

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 7:57am

  17. 17: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    faubourg,

    Welcome! Your past is in the past, and the future is not here yet. You only have today, and it is a gift…that is why it’s called the “present”! :-)

    I have a lot of regrets in my past, too, but I have found a lot of acceptance and support here. I feel like a new woman after a couple months on this blog, and these beautiful goddesses are helping me find a lot of deep, inner healing!

    Rori always reminds us to make progress in baby steps…be patient and loving with yourself! I am excited for you to find a new, wonderful life for yourself, and we will be here for you, every baby step of the way!

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 8:02am

  18. 18: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    hi brenda — no, never. as hard as it was, i never inititated. (am i am what you might call an aggressive girl…..). therefore, a week might go by…… but in the beginning he called every other night. he did make several jabs about WELL ITS NOT LIKE YOU CALLED ME, to rationalize my being silly re: feeling neglected. you know, YOU COULD HAVE JUST PICKED UP THE PHONE. that’s why i felt as though not meeting 50% – as i’ve done in the past – was driving us apart. it felt GOOD not to lean forward. i do want a man to keep coming toward me. . . . .

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 8:09am

  19. 19: IsabellaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda and Rori and Eveybody,
    I feel so happy to be in the Pajama Party. Thanks for opening the door : )
    Isabella

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 8:27am

  20. 20: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    thirtyseven,

    I am just trying to get a better feel for the precise conversational dynamics you had with him. Here’s one thing I’m wondering….when you didn’t hear from him say for a week, did you open the conversation with “I feel neglected”?

    I am not trying to criticize you…I am trying to help you for future interactions. I am not sure what went on without more detail, but let me tell you what I am suspecting may have gone on….

    One dynamic in a boy-man is if he makes a declaration like, “I think I’m falling in love with you!” He suddenly feels vulnerable and may withdraw right when all your deeper loving emotions come out to play! Sometimes he needs space to process his own not-fully-mature feelings.

    Did you hear Rori’s story about coaching a woman named Mia? She was in a 2 year relationship with a man who just wouldn’t commit. Rori coached her to completely change her vibe – house arrangement, schedule rearrangement, clothes changes, everything she could think of. Then she said to quit being where he was. Like if he was hanging in the living room watching TV, rather than hang with him, go up in the bedroom and read a book. Let him come to you. Mia most definitely felt neglected.

    The trick was, after two weeks of changing her vibe and getting into HER activities, when he FINALLY came her direction, she welcomed him into her space. He came up the stairs to find her reading in bed, and he said, “What are you doing?”

    She smiled, patted the bed in welcome, and said, “I feel so content to be reading!”

    It is likely that if she had said with a scowl at that moment, “I feel neglected.” that he would have split. I am not advanced enough in these tools to explain it any better than that, but did any of that strike a cord with you?

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 9:02am

  21. 21: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Isabella,

    I’m gonna spray some whipped cream in your face! Yeah, whipped cream fight! :-)

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 9:04am

  22. 22: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    brenda – yeah, i totally get and agree with what you are saying. no, i didnt start off the convo with an attack. if i had, i wouldn’t be wondering why he acted the way he did, it would be obvious to me that he was running away from an attack……

    it was more like, calls all the time, then he says he’s falling in love, then no calls that week. it occured to me that maybe he was scared or sorting out his feelings, and i own my owm business….. so i managed to stay occupied. BUT, i was leaving for a week on business, and we had talked about his flying out to spend the weekend with me. so, since we had no communications, i started churning with, well how are we going to spend the weekend together in denver now……. which made me think that it was not priority to him. i’m fairly certain that i was welcoming when he did come around, but i didnt want to be “fake” and pretend i hadn’t been concerned about our travel plans falling through. thats when i got the “i don’t see you picking up the phone and calling me”. i just WANTED for him to continue to chase me with the same intensity he had the weeks prior. i proceeded to say that it felt like our relationship had started to grow….. and then halted. because it was true, and how i felt, and i wanted to grow with him. every day that goes by with no call from him makes me know its not right…… bc a man who valued me would be showing up at my business today to talk to me if he didn’t want to lose me. it makes me sad, but i can’t force his feelings. even if he really does have feelings, i also can’t force him to express them.

    thx for your willingness to listen to a newbie. :)

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 9:23am

  23. 23: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    oh – and to add, during the convo, i wanted to be honest and not stuff my concerns, so i told him that i had been feeling lonely and neglected, and i wish that we could have been more in touch after dropping the statement he made to me on saturday night (falling in love). he snapped and said, i don’t do melodrama, sorry…… which, uh, every positive feeling was just fine, but any negative feeling was met with threats to walk away. so much for being honest.

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 10:28am

  24. 24: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    thirtyseven,

    Sounds like you done good! Maybe he’s just a toxic man. Just use the feeling statements sparingly, so he doesn’t feel overwhelmed, and pause between sentences, so he has a chance to respond. I mean for future reference.

    Who knows, he may be back. But in the meantime, I hope you circular date and just feel your power as a woman. His loss.

    Saturday, 10 July 2010 @ 7:08pm

  25. 25: faubourgNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for the cheering up! i feel better, i sense that i am already getting into some new vibe, like my brain is starting to function differently. Also, since i started reading this blog i have made several dreams which are : 1) a toxic man i know is saying goodbye to me and 2) i am introducing MY man to the men of my past… it was weird because in the dream i felt very sad that the toxic man waves goodbye, i really felt like telling him to come back. i felt my heart full of sorrow. I realized yesterday that i miss the masculine part in my life i am searching for it, it is a big void as my dad was never there for me except for food. i used to fill this void with “unreal men” “imaginary relationships” untangible and neglecting men. i decided to accept this void and feel it. i have the feeling deep down that i am not enough. not sufficient. it is a real hole in my stomach this not being enough thing. i thank you so much for being here.

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 7:13am

  26. 26: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Faubourg,

    I have fantasized and imagined a lot in my life, too. I had severe social lacks all my life, and I am making up for lost time now.

    I can also relate to you about struggling with a low, low, low self-esteem. Mine came about from a whole childhood (and beyond) of yelling and criticism. As I became an adult, I believed that I was a horrible, ugly, stupid person. I still struggle with it, but I have processed a lot, and I’m still in process.

    The best therapist I ever had said, “Fake it till you make it.” I was so used to relating out of the poor self-esteem, so I didn’t know how to shift. Rori’s visualization tools help tremendously! You imagine you are different things, such as water, air, a rock, a domino, etc. But I started meeting men while saying in my mind, “You are a rockstar diva! This man loves you!” that sort of thing. It really works to be able to send out a different vibe. If you want to share more, you are welcome to email me at mistywindfall@earthlink.net. I would feel more free to share my heart there if you want to talk to someone. And maybe you would too.

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 8:32am

  27. 27: MariNo Gravatar says:

    I logged on so I could get some inspiration and find some peace. I’m dating a lovely man….I hope…..and we decided that we weren’t doing sex until we were ready to work on a commitment. He lives about 150 miles from me …so it has been a long distance relationship. His grandson lives in my town. Our first date lasted 3 days….he got a hoyel room and we went out Fri night, sat day…then night…and then again on sun. We’ve been with each other every weekend and we have a blast….here’s the problem…when I was at his house last time, his ex-girlfriend started calling and emailing. He started explaining about their torturous relationship…and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. he talked about her quite a bit. Finally I told him that it made me uncomfortable…he agreed, and we stopped. I just found out today that he’s seen her twice….as friends….she calls him to help her with stuff…and he goes. He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. he didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked. I told him we’d have to talk later because I was feeling upset and I needed to think……help!!!

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 9:23am

  28. 28: faubourgNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda,

    thank you, i will use your email.

    i am sorry to know that you had a lot of pain in your childhood you did not deserve it. how can a child be ugly, horrible and stupid? that ain’t true at all, it is impossible when you think about it! children are beautiful, intelligent and absolutely adorable. I sometimes look at pictures of me when i was a little girl it helps me to remember that NO i was not all these words i heard.

    i have the ebook now and with the closed fist and open hands exercises i have realized some major unconscious thoughts i have.

    Regarding positive words and vizualisation, i know that when i tell myself i am a princess or a goddess (i was given this advice by a therapist) i was very ill at ease to use it but when i did, almost immediately my whole body and face changed, i felt like my being was breathing and that it was reaching my real me, my true self.

    Rori and all of you are reminding me that i am wonderful and that i deserve the best, thank you, i am shocked with happiness.

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 11:59am

  29. 29: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome! You’re welcome! Rori’s wisdom is powerful!

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 12:18pm

  30. 30: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    This is a great post!!!

    I love it! I need it and I’m using it!

    My dad has an explosive temper… My mom said when I was like a toddler I just emotionally shut down.. and I would explode at her or where I felt safe and having a counselor helped me realize all the anger I had at him.. for not ever being safe to just “be” and feel.

    I know he is toxic.. and counseling is helping me be assertive. I really feel my anger now in small ways but it’s more like impatient.. and I since I realize why it’s there I just accept and breathe then it passes.

    Tuesday, 13 July 2010 @ 9:03pm

  31. 31: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    This was kinda funny standing back and watching.

    I went to visit my grandmother at the retirement home tonight.. and my dad who I haven’t seen since March pulled up next to me with his eyes bugging out.. my Grandma told me he might be there. And I wanted to avoid him but, I decided to face my fear and just go.. So I waved at him.

    We signed in and he asked the receptionist who couldn’t have been nicer if the elevator was working and she politely said she wasn”t sure, we might have to take another on… I said thanks, it’s cool we cant take the stairs. My dad.. starts yelling at the thin air down the hallway.. I just want a yes or no answer stupid lady.. and proceeds to drops his grocery sack and asks me to pick it up.. I picked it up.. and was like.. “Wow, it’s really not just me” He can’t help but argue even with the air.. or himself…

    Take it down 20 knothches..

    Tuesday, 13 July 2010 @ 9:10pm

  32. 32: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    #29 was in regards to him… being my dad.. That’s informative.. :)

    Tuesday, 13 July 2010 @ 9:11pm

  33. 33: lmNo Gravatar says:

    wow…alicia, that sounds like my dad.

    Tuesday, 13 July 2010 @ 9:11pm

  34. 34: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Mari – so sorry about this. He sounds great, but you’re stuck in something he won’t do anything about until he’s good and ready – and that’s not now. Here’s what I say – he’s into this woman who NEEDS him. If you’re holding back on your “weaknesses” and “flaws” – stop doing that and cry, use Feeling Messages constantly, tell him the truth of how you feel, and say, staraight out – “I don’t want to share you with any woman, it feels terrible – not even a friend – it makes me jealous and I don’t like feeling jealous, so until I’m the only woman here, I’m don’t know what to do…What do you think?” And then start Circular Dating until you feel better and can deal with this more easily…Love, Rori whoops – this is another post!

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010 @ 5:58pm

  35. 35: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    lm..

    He sounds JUST like Mel Gibson.. and I hear ya.. Feels bad at times.. but, I had a moment where I felt like this toxic relationship is getting easier for me to let go even if it’s with a parent.. He literally needs to argue with air or anyone for anything. He even argues with his Dad who has passed away when he was in high school.. that sounded strange to me at first but, he was an abuser to him.

    However, I don’t have to make excuses or try to stay connected and get approval from a toxic always disapproving person and that feels like freedom to live and relax and be at peace.

    I don’t have to really put up with this anymore. The playing ground has changed. I’m not a kid who just has to take it from a parent. I’m an adult who has seen the light and need not engage.. So, last week.. my anger came out at him.. which was shocking to him. And this week I found my voice and balance and was just assertive.

    Feels Amazing how removed from him I felt and in control of myself.. and felt a release like.. I don’t need to feel guilty for not wanting to be around this person anymore.. It”s clearly make sense and is okay not too… :) Sigh of relief..

    Thank Heavens!

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010 @ 9:09pm

  36. 36: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    All this being said below is great insight.. Yet, I feel processing anger is healthy!

    “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind.”

    – Isabelle Holland

    We cannot avoid daily resentment and thoughts of guilt. They are a part of human nature. What we can do is release their grip on us. We can forgive others and ourselves daily.

    Forgiveness requires nothing in return. There are no conditions. It gets rid of old baggage and clears up unfinished business. It leads us to a life of authenticity, lightness and directness. Forgiveness is the highest form of letting go of resentment and ego.

    True forgiveness is more than an apology, understanding and acceptance. There is an element of recreating and re-imagining. There is a need to envision ourselves as more loving, interdependent, courageous and compassionate. Forgiveness requires honouring the sacred journey of learning about life – our life and others’.

    “Whatever we have done, we can always make amends for it without ever looking back in guilt or sorrow.”

    – Eknath Easwaran

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010 @ 9:15pm

  37. 37: MariNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori for slipping me in….: ) I noticed today on facebook that he added a girl on Zooks..a dating site….so I am going to circular date. I don’t want the drama and feel angry and hurt because he wants to flirt. He says that’s part of his personality and that it doesn’t mean anything and that he wants to be with me…..I’m a flirt too..but I’ve stopped the dating sites. I’m guessing that this girl contacted him and he did a thumbs up to be nice. I can’t control who he wants to be with and I don’t feel like being angry or feeling upset. Changing my mindset is exactly the way to go,,,I have the Modern Siren….so I’ll listen to it in the car today : )

    Thursday, 15 July 2010 @ 9:57am

  38. 38: isobelNo Gravatar says:

    hi rori,

    i’m really confused about a man i used to be with that i am considering a
    relationship with again.

    before he had just gotten out of a 12 year relationship and was working
    through his feelings about that or ‘not ready’ or whatever – it is in the
    past.

    now he says he wants to be with me, he realizes he made a mistake (in
    breaking up with me), he was scared, he needed some time, he wants me to
    move in with him (actually to move to another country to be with him – he
    moved a little while ago), he wants us to share our lives, and is behaving
    in a way that is much more committed than before.

    the problem is i know that i really love him but i am really afraid.

    i am afraid bc i often feel that he is not happy unless i am ‘sacrificing’
    for him. he once said, in a moment of ‘upset’ that he didn’t want a woman to
    love him, to believe in him (bc i was saying i wanted a man to believe in
    me, in us – or in other words to trust that i was doing the right thing etc
    and not always question me), he wanted a woman to SACRIFICE for him – bc he
    had sacrificed for love.

    i don’t want to be a sacrifice. i don’t want to lose myself to be part of a
    relationship, i don’t want to have to ‘break’ to build something, i would
    like to build ‘us’ on the foundation of a strong ‘him’ and a strong ‘me’
    since that is what attracted us to each other in the first place. i don’t
    want to make up for the selfishness of other women from his past, i don’t
    want to feel like i am getting another woman’s leftovers, i want to feel
    like all the other girls were practice to not mess up with the wonderful
    gift that is me – and vice versa. but i feel that this is a real problem and
    it scares me.

    also, i have a hard time using your tools with him, bc HE seems to have
    gotten them first! he is so in touch with his feelings, and demands so much
    respect for them, even though he does not always behave the same way in
    return… i feel like everything is about making him feel better and i
    wonder if he is one of the ‘feminine’ energy men you talk about… (he is
    italian, where they seem to raise all men and women to be constantly
    nurturing themselves)… and i don’t really want to be the masculine energy
    partner since i already feel i have to play this role in so much of my life.

    but i do really love him, i love how he looks, i love how he smells, i love
    the size of his hands, i love the temperature of his skin, i love his big
    throbbing brain, and i feel like there is the possibility for me to learn so
    much with him, even if some of it might be challenging and painful… i just
    don’t know what to do.

    anyway, i don’t know what to do and would appreciate any help or advice you
    have.

    thank you,
    s

    Monday, 30 August 2010 @ 9:08am

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