And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?
I remember this happening to me in ways that I don’t even want to remember. Humiliating things. A man I adored, who after he dumped me for another woman (he met her and flirted with her and connected with her right in front of my face, in the same restaurant booth we were all sitting in) – who offered to come over so I could “get it out at him”- who offered to let me hit him.
I said “Yes,” he carefully took off his watch, first, and put it on the dining room table – correctly assuming I’d never want to hurt his WATCH by stomping on it, and then I started swinging.
When he left I felt horrible. I felt like I’d been a puppet, doing something that LOOKED like it was for “me” and getting my feelings out and all that…but actually was for HIM – to make him feel better, to absolve HIM from his pain at dumping me (and “using” me as a “friend with benefits” for the year-and-a-half before), to close things out for HIM.
So what can you learn from my humiliation? Simply – talking to a man about your feelings when there is NO RELATIONSHIP – is all about HIM, not about YOU. You CANNOT feel better by being “honest” and “Open about your feelings” when you have an AGENDA.
My agenda for this man was, still – and this is beyond belief – SEE him, BE with him, demonstrate to him what a powerful woman I was (hah), and my hugest issue, to PROVE that I actually had the guts to be angry. Truly – I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could be angry, that I could DEAL with him. And – perhaps get him back.
You don’t have to do any of that. In fact – I FORBID you to do any of that.
Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence. You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.
Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.
Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.
DON’T FALL FOR IT!
So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?
It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.
A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.
It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).
A Feeling Message is about SHARING.
It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.
It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.
It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.
A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.
You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.
Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.
And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.
It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.
That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.
I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.
Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.