How Feeling Messages Work

Do you ever feel tempted beyond endurance to tell a man how you feel?  Even when he’s not there, or he’s not interested, or he doesn’t care, or he hasn’t called you in weeks, or you’ve been broken up?

And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?

I remember this happening to me in ways that I don’t even want to remember.  Humiliating things.  A man I adored, who after he dumped me for another woman (he met her and flirted with her and connected with her right in front of my face, in the same restaurant booth we were all sitting in) – who offered to come over so I could “get it out at him”- who offered to let me hit him.

I said “Yes,” he carefully took off his watch, first, and put it on the dining room table – correctly assuming I’d never want to hurt his WATCH by stomping on it, and then I started swinging.

When he left I felt horrible.  I felt like I’d been a puppet, doing something that LOOKED like it was for “me” and getting my feelings out and all that…but actually was for HIM – to make him feel better, to absolve HIM from his pain at dumping me (and “using” me as a “friend with benefits” for the year-and-a-half before), to close things out for HIM.

So what can you learn from my humiliation?  Simply – talking to a man about your feelings when there is NO RELATIONSHIP – is all about HIM, not about YOU.  You CANNOT feel better by being “honest” and “Open about your feelings” when you have an AGENDA.

My agenda for this man was, still – and this is beyond belief – SEE him, BE with him, demonstrate to him what a powerful woman I was (hah), and my hugest issue, to PROVE that I actually had the guts to be angry.  Truly – I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could be angry, that I could DEAL with him. And – perhaps get him back.

You don’t have to do any of that.  In fact – I FORBID you to do any of that.

Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence.  You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.

Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings.  If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings.  He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.

DON’T FALL FOR IT!

So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING.  And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being.  And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling.  Your Feeling State.

And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

That means:  I feel bad is a Feeling State.  I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.

Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.

Love, Rori

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149 Comments to “How Feeling Messages Work”

  1. 1: MaragretNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Rori,

    Thanks for the clarity on the feelings messages especially when it has to do with a break-up. I’m just a little confused as to when they do appear again in your life do you receive them or do you do the smile say hello and keep on going?

    Margaret

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 2:47pm

  2. 2: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Maragret – great question. When old men appear in your life – do what you do with EVERY man – remember you’re Circular Dating ALL the time – even if you’re married.

    Be warm, use all the Rori Raye Tools, and use everything you’ve learned here and in my programs to see how you FEEL with them, what it is they want with you or – and this would feel BAD – “from” you.

    Treat him as he is – a Messenger – here to bring you a message and a lesson. Be curious about what that lesson is. It might be to let him into your heart because YOU are a new person – and so is he – or it might be to finally stand your ground and be done with him.

    Love, Rori

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 2:53pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori. Wonderful refresher. Also really liked the clear answer you gave for Margaret’s question.

    I am having trouble expressing

    “I feel insulted”, and “I feel disrespected”and “I feel offended”. I have gone ahead and said these these but now I realize they mihgt be like “I feel hurt” a cover-up for YOU insulted me and YOU disrespected me. How could I express these…

    answers… I feel angry, that doesn’t feel good to hear, I feel pushed away… I feel attacked…

    although I feel attacked kinda carries with it You attacked me too right?

    Which ones of these do you think are legitimate…

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 3:42pm

  4. 4: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh God, Rori, I swear you are like a mindreader. I have been wrecking my brain literally because I don’t know what else to do, trying to prepare myself with the words to match the feelings I have been in pain about and how I will use “feeling” messages to say it when he does call. But he doesn’t give a damn, I can’t say it in my mind that he does, because we have been in this thing for seven years and he can’t be faithful to me only, and he sees no qualms in engaging with other women, and he knows that I know because his family tells me and he tells them because he wants me to know. So in my heart i feel that there is something that I need to say so that I can get my closure and feel free to walk away. But you say, no, cookie, don’t call, don’t think about, don’t write, don’t do anything, go to your life. And that’s what I try to do, but there’s this headache that has been sitting in my head every night for a week, and this knot in my throat that needs to speak, that needs to breathe. And how many jobs can I take on, or hours can I work, or classes can i be in. How many friends can I call, before I admit that I really, really do want a relationship that is lasting and committed. I do, Rori, I do.

    And it’s not easy and it’s not simple but I’ve done it before, I put the oars down and I said to myself, “forget it, let him be him, I’m going to do me” but it doesn’t last because right when I’m feeling good and fine with the end, he comes right back and then I’m right back to feeling bad because a part of me feels guilty and foolish for letting him back in the way I do, every time no matter how long, because I think well maybe this time he finally got it, and he will say something deep and profound, and my heart will be so filled again and the other men become invisible again…

    Anyway, so this time when he shows up again, I want to be different. but, rori, and everybody else, what do i do with these damn words. because the other night, he called and woke me up and i said “it feels good to hear your voice” which it did at that moment. but why, why would it feel good to hear from him on his random timing. I’m feeling so frustrated with myself. Reading this makes me feel like i’m wrong, like I”m doing this whole thing wrong, all over again.

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 3:51pm

  5. 5: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i love this post. ah yes and though it goes without saying i’ll say i again. i love rori also and all the women on this blog.

    i have already shared certain feelings with this one man. so i have decided i do not need to restate how i don’t want to spend time with men who are not interested in getting to know each other. i feel good dating men who want to do activities that allow us to get to know each other on different levels.

    i do not feel interested in repeating this at this time. if he calls and offers lameness or tv watching or sex i will simply say i do not feel interested in that. i do not feel excited about that idea. i do not fear losing him bc i don’t have him now to begin with. he is not my man. i do not feel less than if he only wants sex. i feel bad about myself if i allow myself to stoop down to terms i am not comfortable with that do not honor my dreams and wishes for a loving, COOPERATIVE, romantic relationship.

    i am following my feelings moment by moment. sometimes it feels good and sometimes it feels bad. i am veering toward the good onramps. they will get my on the rgiht road.

    i do not need to figure out my life ten years from now. i can know my desires but what do i feel right now? and am i at least pointed in the right direction?

    i feel i am. and i don’t know if i will ever feel closure or settled or secure in someone’s love for me. i feel ok about that and more free. what do i feel right now? i feell grateful. i feel curious. i feel willing to receive. i feel tuned into what is truly happening rather than being angry my imaginary relationship is not playing out like i make it play out in my head.what is the reality?
    the reality is he is still only asking for sex. (my ex) the reality is i am still not interested in just sex. unless he catches me on a day that i would feel like that but so far it’s a no. what is really happening for me right now,?

    i feel i just rambled on.i feel ok with that.

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 4:23pm

  6. 6: AverieNo Gravatar says:

    hey Rori,

    I’m confused. sometimes, when i do my closure (like i don’t want you to be in my life) I do feel BETTER instead of feeling worse and stuck. It’s as if I want to get back at him and won’t even allow him to express his thoughts, that really makes me feel powerful and regain my confidence.
    However, if i do decide to respond to their comments and not get the respond i want, i do feel worse and regret that i responded. so do i tell them again to leave me alone or what do i do?

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 4:38pm

  7. 7: MattMNo Gravatar says:

    Hello,

    I found your site after watching one of David D’s programs. I find it much better to read than most men’s columns which are mostly how to pick-up women at the grocery store.

    Anyways, I find if I’m feeling ‘bad,’ it also needs to be dug into a bit deeper. ‘Bad’ is a label, to me not much different than ‘angry.’ What I have found useful is to actually notice the feeling, the PHYSICAL feeling.

    Example:

    How do you feel?
    Bad.
    Bad how?
    My stomach is tight, my face feels hot, and I feel a tightness in my upper chest. I feel some energy inside me, in my upper chest, and it feels like a heavy weight.

    I find this is a good start usually. It gets me away from labels/abstractions and into the real, and I find it works great with women I talk to also. We get so caught up in labels that we forget what the actual experience is!

    Thanks for writing as you do, I only found the site 3 days ago and it’s a daily read now.

    Best,
    Matt

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 6:42pm

  8. 8: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    HEY!

    What’s HE doing here?!

    Seriously? A BOY?!?!

    I feel a little panicky. But, maybe in not such a bad way!

    Welcome to the blog, Matt. :)

    Thursday, 29 January 2009 @ 11:34pm

  9. 9: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    Well l was just thinking the other day that as our world is progressing, we, women, get more knowledge and awareness of the “tricks me use”. There is a film comin soon “he is not that into you” and all sorts of stuff about coaching. l feel excited, cos we, women, become soooo much more aware.
    As for the post, l have noticed some patterns about expressing feelings-agenda-…l thought being honest and up frond does at least clear the air, but it has not.l have to run to office now, and l hope l can continue my thoughts from there.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 12:07am

  10. 10: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I feel surprised, excited and pleased there’s a man on here :) and I also feel uncertain… is it REALLY a man? Am I going to feel foolish? I feel curious if that’s a pattern of mine. I’m curious to read more from MattM.

    I’ve read some of the sites for men and I agree with MattM – I felt anxious and queasy and angry.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 3:24am

  11. 11: MattMNo Gravatar says:

    I will continue my point. I will likely just post this and be quiet a while as I’m new to the site and I don’t presume to know what’s going on, or what’s really useful to readers here.

    I read about ‘Riffing’ in previous posts, it made a lot of sense. To me, the trouble begins with what I was referring to above, but did not explain well. If a woman says she feels bad, I interpret ‘bad’ in my own way, from my own reference experiences. As a weird example, if she says she feels bad, and yesterday I had a stomach ache and I think that was bad, what am I going to reference when she says she feels bad? My stomach. An extreme example, but for sure a failure of verbal communication.

    So to help with clear communication, first the words need to refer to something similar. If you’re trying to communicate feelings to a guy who is not in touch with his feelings, it will fail. If he just wants to get laid, he’ll tell you what he thinks you want to hear. If he is an authentic man, he will understand. It’s hard to differentiate that though…

    As for ‘tricks (some) men use…’ Maria is right, expressing feelings can be an agenda. Some men just want to get laid, and women want men in touch with their feelings, so men have become more in touch. Some men have adapted just to get laid, and some men have actually gotten in touch with their inner, authentic self. Spotting the difference between those men can be hard, just like how in nature animals develop camouflage.

    Those ‘tricks’ are techniques, and if there is nothing genuine behind them, they won’t last if the woman is ‘testing’ properly. They can only be faked for so long, after a while the camouflage paint wears off. Then the man, who he really is, will finally be standing in front of you. But until the paint wears off, I can imagine it’s hard to tell.

    Matt

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 3:33am

  12. 12: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I have a specific question. How and when do I respond when my man has actually DONE SOMETHING I feel unhappy about?

    I feel unclear how to word this. It’s not a major crisis but want to be able to respond more honestly and clearly. Here’s an example – things are going great between us, he’s due to come over, texts me to check if the time he suggests is ok. I call him, say “Yes that’s great, looking forward to seeing you. I’m feeling really tired this afternoon, would you mind picking something up from the store on the way here?” I feet uncomfortable at his response, it sounds a bit sarcastic, but I don’t say anything (maybe this is the place to start?) and I feel irritated because he’s been helping a friend move all day but it feels like he’s being awkward about getting some milk for us. He arrives 30mins late, no text. I don’t notice the first 15mins (I’m busy doing my nails:), then start feeling uneasy, then angry. I’m doing the Tools, sinking into my feelings in my body, feels lighter. He arrives, I lean back, he walks straight past me, I feel anxiety and anger.

    As I’m writing this I’m aware of the background issues here. Some of my own stuff around him helping an ex (from a long time ago – and he’s off-his-own-bat reassured me about her, and I have long-ago exes too), some of his fear of being attacked.

    So maybe handling the small stuff is important after all.

    My response? Exam fail! “Is anything wrong?”

    OK I did follow it with “I started feeling uneasy”. He got defensive. I said “I prefer it when you text to let me know you’re going to be late. Otherwise I feel disrespected” (exam fail again – ‘I feel fine when you let me know’ would have been better?).

    Happy to report that, thanks to what I’ve learnt here, I let the discomfort bubble through me and out, let it go when he did. We got back on track.

    I feel embarrassed posting this when some ladies are having such a hard time.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 3:47am

  13. 13: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Oh please don’t go quiet, MattM! What you say makes a lot of sense to me!

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 3:55am

  14. 14: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    heartbeat that sounds great! Great use of I feel in my opinion… it’s messy… I don’t think theres a RIGHT way… we’re doing our best to Share our feeling state and you sound like you did that wonderfully… and then like you said… things got back on track!

    I too went through that tonite… with 2 different men… one guy wanted me to follow him in my car to the place he was going to teach me martial arts… in the past I would not have even considered this because I would be so goo goo over having him teach me… this time I called and said I don’t really want to drive, he said it’s easier for him… got off the phone… I follow up texted “It doesn’t feel fun to follow u” he called me… “are you mad?” I said “I feel upset… I don’t like driving” he said “but it feels easier for me to drive home this way!” and I said “maybe for you, but not for ME!!” I felt better even though I still drove… it just felt relaxing to share! then after he taught me I said I don’t want to drive next time! wow! I am so requiring good treatment now! And I realize I often don’t like “nice” guys because I feel worried and uncomfortable like they’re inauthentic and undercover manipulators. So I’m standing up for the LITTLE THINGS… that’s where the magic happens! (ie me feeling good)

    Then the second guy hadn’t called me for a few since our last date, where I felt weird and I thought he was mad at me… he wanted me to find something for him and I actually texted him… “that doesn’t feel good… I am a goddess, not a connection” WOW! I feel so laid back about men REALLY. This is new for me. And I dont’ feel like I am manipulating either! IT feels awesome… so he’s like “I’m not trying to use you…” and after he texted “so yes or no because blah blah” I texted… “I’m feeling better reading what you said… I feel kinda vulnerable and unsure right now… what do you think?” ohh he CALLED…

    then he came over and we had a NICE time… Even though I didn’t give him something I had that he wanted (I mean a thing, not THAT thing lol) and he complained I didn’t EVEN FEEL SELFISH!

    Ohh I feel super duper GODDESSY.

    I realize that expressing my feelings preempts my feeling weird and irritated with a guy instead of enjoying my time, and it shows later on, and takes away the stress… it just allows it to feel good… even though I may not get an outcome I want right away (ie stop driving)… if I don’t worry about it and Give the Guy SPACE after he will come to me! Like second guy I thought he wasn’t gonna answer my “I feel vulnerable text” because he took so long… and I let it go in my mind even though I had been so excited he contacted me, I realized that I was still having fun with myself and didn’t need him… and then he CALLED!

    I feel good right now…

    Hugs to everyone! Love you all!

    Where is CAJ 13??

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:06am

  15. 15: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oops maybe she changed her name?

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:07am

  16. 16: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria you do make me smile – “oops maybe she changed her name” indeed!! Well I don’t know, but I do get a Caj vibe off another contributor.

    And thank you for the encouragement – I feel relieved. What you said about stating feelings then giving the guy SPACE feels right. Maybe it’s the discomfort I’m feeling in speaking in new ways that’s bothering me. It feels soft and warm to get some feedback here :)

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:44am

  17. 17: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    PS Daria, I admire the way you handled those texts and held your sense of yourself so brilliantly.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:47am

  18. 18: SamatNo Gravatar says:

    I am confused, so according to MattM, you cant just use the feeling message “I feel bad”, . So should I say how I feel inside my body, or how I feel inside my head as in feelings of anger or in my heart.. feelings of painfulness? Also does this mean my agendas will never get resolved and its not good to resolve agendas even if its making me feel terrible? Is there a way to say how angry Im feeling using feeling messages and the reasons Im feeling angry? Its probably in the ebook, which I’ll go through again later on, anyway thanks for reading.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:58am

  19. 19: PRPGNo Gravatar says:

    Hi to Everyone and welcome Matt!
    I think it’s great that you’ve joined the blog-I for one am interested in how men view all of this…

    Which brings me to…my man seems to be the most unreceptive guy on the planet. To feeling messages, to leaning back, to my attempts at romance and spicing things up. Which leaves me wondering if he just doesn’t care or if I’m doing all these things wrong. I feel so confused. We live together but our conversations are usually of the short and general kind, not like we used to. He seems irritated when I try to initiate any subject that may be even remotely deep. He doesn’t like me showing too much affection toward him. And when he does say what I want to hear/do what I want him to do as far as affection or romance goes it seems like its done more out of duty than real desire. Why is he with me then???!!!
    I feel very unsatisfied but don’t know how to convey that my needs aren’t being met, not just in conversation but in time spent together, romance, actually doing more than watching TV together etc. As I said we live together, his friends are at our house constantly and I guess what makes me angriest is that he wants it that way and gets subdued and irritable when he doesn’t see them. I have to ask him for alone time, which leads to a huge fight where I spew all the things that have been making me unhappy and I can understand why this freaks him out Unfortunately I didn’t realise until reading Rori’s blog and newsletter that this was a mistake. So I guess maybe now he’s just resistant to everything I say. (it would mean so much if just for once he just wanted to spend time with me, not as a filler in between the friends visits).

    I love him so much and I don’t believe he is toxic because he does care. Just not like he used to. I want to feel special again. And no, im not totally reliant on him to make me feel good, but whats the point in being with someone if they’re not meeting you halfway? I am not blameless, I know I can be controlling at times and often freak out when he tells me stuff, only because I am scared tho…so he is now scared probably of being attacked. Is too much damage done? Sigh* he can be the sweetest, most loving and vulnerable man in the world sometimes and it seems like we are connecting so well. But then its like he mentally decides ok, that’s enough of that and just wants to be alone in his “space”.

    Sorry this is so long, I just have so many feelings and thoughts all the time, wondering should I just leave or can I fix it? I’ve tried and failed to just “live with it”. Its tearing me apart that, at least as far as actions go, I come somewhere after work, friends, surfing and golf on his priority list. If anyone has any

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:09am

  20. 20: PRPGNo Gravatar says:

    Just to clarify the above a little…he just does not show initiative in our relationship. I feel like it would be enough for me if he made more effort at maintaining our relationship, as he seems to think we’re together and thats it, forever, the work is done.No more effort ned be made.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:11am

  21. 21: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    l had such a busy day in the office, l could not comment until lm back home. Matt, thanks for bounching back. We, women, become more excellent in smelling the tricks. l do not thing that the per centage of a men who go to bar hoping to get laid easily is high enough or paying off well these days, what l have seen more happen is that there are either “imaginary” relationships going on with multicolourful variations. Personally l get upset when l have to “work” for a man,so first ld like to learn to express it to a man, to turn it around so that he has to “work” for me, and rethinks of how he treats me. Thats a start. And thats what Rory talks about.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 9:45am

  22. 22: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    I am in touch with my feelings… my feelings are pure simple feelings with out any agenda’s.
    I have learned to express my feelings when I feel so touched, loved, happy, sick, sad, lucky,
    disrespected, let down, what ever it is… for the pure and simple reason as to be known to the man I love. So if he has let me down, or not kept his promises to me… I share how that feels with him also…each and every time.

    I feel when I stop sharing my true feeling with him.. thats when I shut him out… and I would moving on with out him. When I am so angry with him…. sometimes I just explode. Its my anger than is taking care of me..!!
    What I always want to keep in check… never saying mean things to him….. like your a loser
    or using the word YOU at all….. Its always my anger saying…. I have a heart.. ! I have always treated you with love ! I feel scared that I am not in good hands. I need honesty in how you feel and what what I feel our relationship is.
    I am afraid you will lose me… then I say,correction. I am afraid I will lose you if this continues.correction, I am afraid we will loose
    our wonderful loving relationship !! I love us.. I love us as a team that works together. What do you think.. what do you feel ?
    so thats how it goes.. if I dont talk this out with him.. I would go crazy !! I think I would.
    Rori, do you agree with this way of my communication.?
    It has always…. brought him closer to me some how… and I am always surprised… I have never communicatied this way in a relationship before… I feel that I never felt as deeply with any other man before.. I love that he holds me after I have been so upset…. I love that he says.. he understands and he wants all the same things… as I do… I love that he says.. he will be better…!
    I dont know.. How ever my being upset really shows me and shows him.. how deep and real I feel about our relationship…. and I really feel he ends up loving me more..and I love myself more.. also… for being real..with my feelings.
    Thank you for helping all of us.. !
    Lin

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 10:20am

  23. 23: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I hope I didn’t scare Matt off from posting, as I feel he is very insightful and it’s good to be able to see what a CLUEFUL man thinks. ;)

    I always felt any man who found this place would go “OMG estrogen!” and panic and hit the Back button as fast as possible and go look at video games or porn or something. Much as I feel really icky and leave when I go to relationship sites written by men with the emphasis on picking up chicks and getting laid. So thanks for sticking around. I feel I do come on a little strong and scary a lot of the time, I feel protective of my womanly secrets after all. But isn’t this work about letting the armor down, keeping the strong core on the inside surrounded by soft, yummy ice cream, so that anyone can reach in and see it? Wow, I never realized just how scared I felt about that.

    On the topic of this post–no wonder Feeling Messages never did a damn thing for me when I used them with my ex! As Rori said, it only “works” when a man WANTS to catch. Really, it works either way. Either the man responds, or he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t then I know that I’ll only hurt myself by continuing the relationship. And I suppose this is why Rori always says walk out of the room if he doesn’t instantly respond in a positive way. Wow, this feels like a Eureka moment.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 10:50am

  24. 24: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    I liked this “how feeling messages work” article. Helps clarify so much.

    A former boyfriend wanted to have lunch – said, ‘No.’ He showed up at my office anyway.

    So I am sitting there looking at him and he has his eyes welling up with tears and I felt nothing. I mean, it felt like that song from A Chorus Line (“dug right down to the bottom of my soul to see what I could feel – and I felt NOTHING). Instead of feeling sorry for him, I started feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel anything. Am I not human?

    Then I remembered, he was awful to me in the end. I was glad to be rid of him. When we broke up I felt so light and I was happy – people noticed the change. I didn’t hate him – just didn’t need him back poking around (no pun intended). I had learned things about myself from him because of our relationship (messenger stuff) and I just wanted him to go away. He sent email later about how he was looking at pictures of me and how he messed up with me and had to live with it. Yes, he does.

    and, I’m STILL happy to be free.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 12:11pm

  25. 25: MattMNo Gravatar says:

    I wrote this a last night, but it got stuck waiting for moderation cause I put it under ‘Matt.’

    Hi Heartbeat,

    I’m no advice columnist, but my first inclination is to tell you that he needs to be able to receive your honest words, he needs to be able to deal with your anger. If he can’t, what’s he gonna do? He needs to be able to receive it, and use it as a growing experience, and you need to feel comfortable telling him. An ideal fairy tale? Maybe.

    Anger can be very irrational. It can be childish, mine is sometimes. My anger is not always justified and rational. Does that make it something I should cover up, or can I express it? It depends who I am with. If your man can deal with it, and he’s strong, then it’s great to tell him. Not for every little thing of course… little things are important because they can represent bigger principles, though they don’t always.

    Him becoming comfortable with your anger may be a good start. I’d recommend he read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. That book is a rough roadmap for how to communicate honestly in a relationship, and I think is helpful for all men to read, maybe women too. It was written with more of a man’s hand though, lots of swearing, so probably why I liked it, and it’s written a bit unorthodoxly.

    Maybe Rori can jump in here, cause I’m no expert, and maybe there is a better book to read, or maybe it’s better not to engage him at all. But I recommend he do something because it’s clear you are working on communicating, you are working on something that will grow the relationship. What’s he doing?

    PRPG: Why is he with me then???!!!
    My question would be…why are you with him then???!!!

    I guess I come at this from another direction, as a man trying to figure out how make my relationships with women work better. I see it as a 2-way street, something that men need to work on also. So I ask you too, what’s he doing? If nothing, well, it’s going to be hard to make the relationship better if only one side is trying.

    Best,
    Matt

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:12pm

  26. 26: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Matt, thanks so much for responding to me. Thank you too for the book recommendation. I feel supported. I like your question “what’s he doing?”.

    He’s changed for the better since we met (not that he was bad to start with!). He communicates honestly, but not always openly. It feels to me like sometimes he’s doing his best and I respect that, other times he’s fuzzy and avoids stuff. He says he dislikes himself being angry. We had a rough patch when he lost his job, we communicated openly though it felt really scary to me too – I was not brought up to express anger, nor to deal with a partner’s anger.

    This is a relationship where we are both learning ‘on the hoof’. I think I’m better at communicating than him – I’m certainly actively reading and practising Rori’s stuff – but then I know ME better than I know him, so perhaps he’s on a blog somewhere too, or reading a book!

    What you’ve inspired me to do is think about putting the issue of ‘communication’ on my table, if I feel the moment is right – something to share with him. I’ve found open honest communication incredibly uncomfortable until recently, and still often do!

    Thank you again Matt. I’m curious to hear from Rori too :)

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:38pm

  27. 27: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Lin – I’ve saved your comment in my email, I loved it so much. It’s where i want to be. I’m trying it on like a new dress!

    I feel proud of myself now. Matt’s comment helped me realise how I’m growing. Lin’s has given me a space to grow into.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 5:46pm

  28. 28: BethanyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and heartbeat, I think your Feeling Messages are amazing…you are sooooo gutsy! I could feel the strength behind your words…

    I feel like I’m struggling with feeling messages the more crazy things get…he told me he doesn’t know how much he likes me, and here I am, having stayed in this tiny town for him…I feel like to stick by myself, and from Rori’s article about not waiting, I HAVE to go…this is just a temporary place for me…and I feel so angry and awkward about hanging out with him now, you guys I said “I feel like I love you” and he just said “aw,” and kissed the back of my hand…but you know, he’s being honest with me, I’m stringing myself along…he isn’t that into me and wanted to hang out with me last night and again tonight either because he’s trying and my words affected him in a good way–he CAUGHT them–or he’s just feeling bad and being extra nice to make himself feel better…ugh. I don’t know. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I feel so confused. I don’t want to be tight and constricted with him tonight, I want to be boundaryful and relaxed and responsive, like a woman…I don’t know what to do, but I can’t do anything…I feel really awkward because of what he told me and I feel anxious about it…BUT I did get called for a job interview in Washington DC (over the phone)! That feels exciting! I feel sooooo angry, I feel like I”m burning up and I don’t want to feel that way…I want to have fun and have lots of guys who want me, I don’t want to be fixated on someone who TOLD ME IN SO MANY WORDS THAT HE DOESN”T LOVE ME…he said he has “one foot in and one foot out” so…

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:04pm

  29. 29: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    l have just one thought – should not a right relationship be like summer breeze – where you have no dounbts he loves you and expressing your anger is safe cos he has accepted YOU.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:41pm

  30. 30: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Maria – What if expressing anger has NEVER felt safe in my past? Is it then about HIM or about ME? What it feels like to me, learning to feel and express anger, is as if coming out of cave warily. I want to feel the summer breeze, yes! And I feel ok saying I feel angry over something ‘big’, but it’s the ‘little’ stuff I stumble over.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:56pm

  31. 31: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Bethany thank you – actually I felt clumsy and scared and convinced I’d said it all wrong.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 6:58pm

  32. 32: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    So I had a date tonight and I actually was this close to calling the guy up and cancelling, I felt so tired of men and just didn’t want to deal with them anymore.

    I’m glad I didn’t cancel because he ended up being FAR more handsome in person than in his profile–and smarter than the vibe I’d gotten from his e-mails–and I felt attraction and energy coming from him as well. I had a great time with him. It felt good. I had a feeling message or two, it’s getting easier and easier. I do think there may be a second date!

    I’m not ready for this!

    This guy’s company feels good but as far as being someone I could bring home to Mom and Dad, I don’t know, he doesn’t have enough college degrees or whatever. I feel conflicted as to what I want in a man vs. what I SHOULD want. I feel I’m supposed to want a man who’s educated, intellectual, upper-class. I don’t. That kind of man turns me off. If all you’ve got going for you is a six-figure income, that leaves me cold. First and foremost I want a man who appreciates ME for who I am, and this includes the physical level as well as the mental–and I feel a lot of highly educated, successful men just don’t appreciate me that way. They need tall thin blondes on their arms, they need someone whose appearance signals social status, and mine does not. I want a man who can say “Reshi is MY woman, and I love her, and I think she’s hotter than all you guys’ girlfriends, so the hell with what y’all say!” Furthermore, I want a man whose intelligence also extends to his body, not one who thinks he’s elevating himself above the world (and me) by living in his head all the time. I like intelligence but not intellectualism…if that makes any sense…and I like men who are healthy in both mind and body. (I feel like a spoiled brat! I want, I want, I want! lol) I know Rori says you can learn to be physically attracted but to me that feels like settling. It feels like “close your eyes and think of England.”

    This dilemma, I suppose, is as old as the hills, because a lot of men just aren’t physically attractive and they have to get women from somewhere, right? I was on one of the online sites the other night and this awful-looking older man was messaging me and asking if I knew the Kama Sutra, and I wanted to die. But then I also have to watch out when I AM attracted to someone; I have to wonder whether he’s really going to be good for me or whether I’m blinded by chemistry. I feel conflicted.

    Friday, 30 January 2009 @ 7:26pm

  33. 33: CatNo Gravatar says:

    reshi- i am dating a couple people right now and sometimes i am feeling the same anxiety you express about the new guy. when i feel that way…i remind myself i don’t have to decide anything. all i have to do is just keep circular dating until one of the guys proves themselves that i don’t. until then, let ‘em in and see what happens is my motto and better see how i’m feeling in time. over time the answers will become clear.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:12am

  34. 34: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel happy to hear about reshi’s date with a guy who sort of sparked some interest. :) yae!

    i feel interested in dating. i was on a little hiatus there dealing with the exes and dating myself and finding new interests and hobbies. but now i feel ready to date again. i wonder if i’l ever want to settle down. i thought that was my dream but only if it’s really really right. otherwise i don’t want to give up opportunities with other men.

    i feel a sense of great possibility. i feel very open and in a good place. i feel grateful.

    i feel grateful daria got her financial situation worked out and also that poster situation. i feel flipper’s absence. i feel excited about cookie’s amazing progress and also excited about her new fitness routine. i feel happy about heartbeats joyful and supportive comments to everyone. i feel amazed at bethany’s new strength and building self esteem. i feel curious about a male commenting. i feel inspired by docK’s sense of self. i feel bad for not mentioning everybody:( i’m on my ceellphone and can’t scroll back througgh.
    an

    i feel possibility with making friends too. i never put much effort into it beffore so i don’t really have friendship qualities highly developed. but i can learn. i can and i will!!
    xoxo

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:38am

  35. 35: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Reshi… thanks for writing about the should want vs. do want. I soo feel you on this and I feel encouraged that you posted it “out loud”. I have been struggling with this concept for a long time (that is I have been dating guys maybe my family would think I Shouldn’t date, and basically looking for runaway love) I am now trying to open up to more guys that maybe I Should want because I don’t want to shut them out either (practicing dating out of my type), I have been maybe been one sided. Best be open to all right now as I am experimenting and opening and I might just meet one that fits it all…

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:45am

  36. 36: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl if you were my real-life friend I’d feel a lot of trust in you, I’d enjoy your humour and be inspired by your openness and, most of all, I’d just want you to carry on being YOU. So what friendship skills do you need??

    I feel like looking in the mirror and saying that to myself too – I hardly recognise myself from the wonderful comments made to me on here! I tend to feel I should do better, am not getting it quite right etc. Gosh… I know where that comes from… ewrgh!

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 3:28am

  37. 37: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    I’m here, I’m still here, everyone. I’ve been feeling (and sometimes not) my way through some sad family situations. And reading you all is a comfort and a boon.

    I only regret that apparently you now have to post in order to receive messages about new posts. Even on the computer (much less a cell) that makes it cumbersom to try to go back through even the most recent posts. It’s true, the inbox tends to get filled up with the notices, but my solution has been to create a different email address where I receive all this kind of thing, and newsletters and stuff you sign up for on a public list. (I also give it out to some guys I don’t want in my “personal” mailbox) Cheez – why not? – it’s free and I have unlimited storage. (Also an idea for people who are wary about giving out their phone number: have a second phone. Of course, that’s both costly and a pain to juggle 2 gadgets. Maybe a cell exists with 2 separate lines ?)

    I feel I would love to have Alias Girl as my real girlfriend. Even her standoffishness feels like a quality to me. (I would love to know you all in our real lives.) I have one good friend – a person other people kept warning me about – because she said I made her laugh with the funny things I said. People usually Never get my humour! (That was probably part of her problem, too, with the others.) Anyway, we appreciate each other immensely – sure glad I didn’t keep my defenses up with her.

    I’m feeling fat and tired and out of touch. I’m going to rest my stinging eyes and ask my daydreams to help me discern all my feelings.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 4:09am

  38. 38: searchingwithinNo Gravatar says:

    The hardest part, in my opinion, is releasing the need to control the outcome. Our Ego’s are all programmed to seek out our own agendas, and to stop ourselves from doing that takes an extreme knowledge of ourselves, and self-control. Gold habits die hard, and emotions are much more powerful than willpower.

    A work in progress.

    ~Best Wishes~

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 7:26am

  39. 39: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I’m feeling so with you on the whole dating outside my type thing. I actually gave my mom permission to start looking for someone for me–I was previously 300% against dating ANYONE that my parents would want me to date. (Plus if I don’t let her find someone for me, she will keep trying to find men for my sisters, who don’t seem to want men at all.) I’m open to dating someone she brings in, she has a good intuition for men, and if they think she’s cute, they’d like me too, in theory!

    However, I am NOT going to go so far as to let my dad or any of his relatives do the same. They’re on the side of “marry someone you don’t love and put up with them ’till death do you part.” I think in that situation I would be praying for an early death!

    Cat, I feel thankful to read your thoughts. I have a terrible habit of being on a first date with a guy and thinking of being married, living together, whether I would take his name…and like, it’s the first date! I don’t even know if I’d like to kiss him or not! And you’re right, I don’t have to make any decision now. Aside from the decision of would I see him again, which he already asked me and I told him I would.

    I feel searchingwithin has some good points as well, which are relevant to my thoughts and feelings.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 9:29am

  40. 40: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I’m feeling so with you on the whole dating outside my type thing. I actually gave my mom permission to start looking for someone for me–I was previously 300% against dating ANYONE that my parents would want me to date. (Plus if I don’t let her find someone for me, she will keep trying to find men for my sisters, who don’t seem to want men at all.) I’m open to dating someone she brings in, she has a good intuition for men, and if they think she’s cute, they’d like me too, in theory!

    However, I am NOT going to go so far as to let my dad or any of his relatives do the same. They’re on the side of “marry someone you don’t love and put up with them ’till death do you part.” I think in that situation I would be praying for an early death!

    Cat, I feel thankful to read your thoughts. I have a terrible habit of being on a first date with a guy and thinking of being married, living together, whether I would take his name…and like, it’s the first date! I don’t even know if I’d like to kiss him or not! And you’re right, I don’t have to make any decision now. Aside from the decision of would I see him again, which he already asked me and I told him I would.

    I feel searchingwithin has some good points as well, which are relevant to my thoughts and feelings. It’s so hard not to try to control the outcome!

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 9:30am

  41. 41: BethanyNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone else have the problem of going numb and not knowing which feeling word to use? That happens to me all the time, especially with difficult situations, I go numb…last night I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time in the 6 months we’ve been dating…it felt nice. Then, the next morning, he didn’t want to, and that’s when he said that doing it really frequently makes it less special for him…he said if we were married, it would be a lot different because it would be something we’re “called” to do…I feel so confused about this…I said I don’t know how I feel about it and he said well maybe we shouldn’t do it at all if it’s going to be an issue…but I feel soooo weird, like, if it IS so SPECIAL to him, shouldn’t it be special all the time because it’s him and me? I don’t understand…(He’s Catholic, which has something to do with it , I think)…I feel shell-shocked…like, whoa, didn’t see that coming…I feel disappointed and I feel strange and sad and I don’t want to feel shut down, like we can’t be sexual unless he feels like it…or maybe he has the right idea, that it should mean something so do it less…I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what I feel!!!! I DON”T KNOW!!!!! Why do I feel like such a lobotomized turkey? I want to use my feeling words but I can’t feel anything but numbness around my throat…I love my numbness, no I feel angry again, angry angry angry, I feel exhausted and my arms feel tired and I feel like I weigh four hundred pounds and I want to sink into the floor I feel so embarrassed I can’t talk to any of my friends and I feel so alone right now, I felt like this was going to be something different and I know I was stupid to do that, I feel shaking in my stomach and I want to love it but I can’t, I feel cut off from the part of myself that can love my mistakes. I want to love myself and I want to make this okay for myself.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 11:32am

  42. 42: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    reshi got posted in stereo. :)

    i feel a tentative smile at hearbeat and flipper’s friendship comments. i feel appreciative. yet i also know my whole self and why i don’t have loads of great friends yet. but i feel hopeful and confident i can become great friend material. :)

    i feel interested in letting my agenda go in friendships and romantic relationships. i feel ok having preferences and boundaries but i am interested in being more open. i feel angry after having written that. hahah. i feel like a control freak. i feel unsure about give and take and how compromise works. i know dominance and submission in regards to relationship dynamics. i know struggling to not be dominated.and even now i also know struggling not to dominate if in the presence of a timid unforthcoming person.

    i feel interested in learning cooperation and easiness and acceptance and flexibility. haha i feel triggered again but what i wrote. i feel amused with myself. i feel self indulgent.

    i feel enthusiastic and a bit tentative.that feels like a car that spurts forward then rolls. spurts forward then rolls.

    i feel super vulnerable sharing on this blog. i feel like erasing everything i ever wrote sometimes. i feel like i am practicing being witnessed. argh.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 11:49am

  43. 43: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel triggered to get all busbody with bethany’s post. some men have serious issues with sex that have interfered with their natural instincts. a young man WANTS to have sex. usually ALOT AND OFTEN. unless he has been traumatized in his childhood, or abused. or guilted with sin, damnation and religion. other possibility is he is gay. or all of the above.

    i’m not kidding. i feel compassion for bethany and also her guy. i feel less angry with him now. i would bet a large amount of money there are serious emotional issues and unresolved feelings going on with him.

    i feel protective and maybe overprotective and meddling.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 11:57am

  44. 44: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    Poor Bethany – I can feel what a confusing situation this is for you. Poor Jen-B has a guy all over her in the first half hour and then you have to wait 6 mos. Is there nothing in between? Maybe there’s something to the theory about birth control meds in the water supply affecting masculinity, tho’ obviously those 2 blokes weren’t drinking at the same tap. Bethany, you have already posed some very pertinent questions, so I feel you’re on the right trackboth about understanding what’s going on and even more, about What you want and and What you can be willing to do about it. Wrong track, however, is beating yourself up! How could you know such intimate things if you’ve never been intimate together? Why would your friends be of any specific use to help or enlighten you? They’d be just as embarrassed and far more clueless than yourself. As for feeling numb to the point of speechlessness, well that’s me all over. It’s like these guys throw us this stuff that’s just SO enormous, so OFF THE WALL, that you lose your breath. And me, unconsciously I tell myself that anyone who would say or do such blatant idiocy must be an “innocent” that I don’t dare address as an adult (or expose to my own turmoil). Where to even begin? – there’s like no common ground, and I feel anything I would come up with would be wounding or lost on him, anyway. So, yeah, the numb sets in to anesthetize the gaping hole in my upper chest, where the link between my heart and my voicebox used to be.

    Alias Girl has some good points. My psy friend once cut me off after half a sentence with “He’s Catholic, right ?”, so that could be a major indicator. Not that there’s anything wrong with Catholics – there are quite a few pretty lusty ones out there. But all religions seem to have a contingent of followers that confuse being upstanding and spiritual with being control freaks about people’s sex lives, as if the Deity somehow made a mistake in creating that aspect of humanity.

    You definitely deserve someone who will honor your body, be dazzled that, of your own freewill, you will share your intimacy with them, and give you all the reassurance and devotion you want in return.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:05pm

  45. 45: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed about my double post. And what is it with the Catholics? Religious/sexual issues are triggering me today. I am still afraid to have sex outside of marriage–and why am I thinking of sex when I haven’t even had anyone try to kiss me yet? I love the Tantric way of looking at sex and love–making it a part of the spirituality. That, and no less than that, is what I want in a relationship. Hear that, Universe? I’m ordering a man with ZERO sexual hang-ups, and with enough integrity to be looking for his ONE woman, and not many sexual partners. I believe a man of true quality would be monogamous. Really, anything less would be a waste of my time, at this point. Men behave badly and treat us carelessly because we let them, I no longer wish to leave the door open to that.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:42pm

  46. 46: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    or in regards to bethany’s man

    or he is on mediations or depressed. thos things also affect the sex drvie. but really i’m not sure it’s useful to try and give an armchair diagnosis. if he was open to a conversation about it it may deepen your level of intimacy. if you two cannot find away to openly and safely discuss real issues (sex being a major issue in my book!) well that would speak volumes in itself.

    i agree with flipper. i feel confident bethany is on a great track with just following her feelings as rori suggests.

    life is a big experiment. we can’t possibly know until we know. and knowing comes from trial and error. as britney spears says i need to make mistakes just to know who i am.

    i feel unafraid of making mistakes. (that is a new statement i am trying on!) (although i feel a little uncomfortable with other people’s judgements of those mistakes.) i feel courageous. i wish i was less judgemental. i feel interested in being more accepting.

    i feel very supportive of bethany and her process of finding out who she is and what she likes and what feels good and what doesn’t. i feel hopeful she is able to express herself in a way that she will feel good about.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 1:44pm

  47. 47: ErikaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, here is a comment for all the girls who are feeling crappy today …

    The other side of all those crappy feelings is … absolutely magnificent.

    I won’t go into all the details, but just this weekend I finally got to experience what I’ve heard about … sex with a man who is completely there with me emotionally … and it is an absolutely transcendent experience. We developed our relationship long distance for three months before meeting, lots and lots of feeling messages and lots of not worrying about the outcome.

    All this only happened from going deep into all the feelings with man after man after man until I came out on the other side.

    It’s blissful :-) It was worth every second of facing those painful feelings. I’m a big fan of Rori’s circular dating ideas.

    - Erika from http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 3:07pm

  48. 48: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, FUCK YEAH Erika!

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 3:21pm

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    YAY ERIKA!!!

    Bethany I am with you. I have gone through a similar situation with one of my exes, who didn’t really want to have sex with me when I would want to. Actually maybe more than one. It felt awful.

    I feel triggered!

    Fuck his feelings. Relationships are centered around OUR feelings, and they get to make the DECISIONS that WORSHIP our FEELINGS. He like it less than you? Tell him you feel awful. You don’t want to feel rejected and unwanted. You want to feel wanted by a man at all times. He can’t handle that? You want a man that you feel wanted with and special everytime, all the time.

    Guys tell me that “they don’t like : buying stuff for girls, driving to me, etc” all the time. They are just being immature. Am I listening to it? Yes. Do I “respect their feelings?” NO. It’s about my feelings. I don’t push them, yet continue requiring GREAT treatment, including getting what I want from the store, not driving, and being talked to without being made fun of. Does it send them away? NO! Do they come back for more more more Goddess training? Yes.

    Focus on you! I really believe in you and love the brave way you are beginning to face and embrace your feelings.

    PS – the NUMB feeling is me all the way! Especially when I feel awful, rejected, angry. Flipper I too used to think that a guy that triggered me this way must be an idiot and not an entire adult. I feel glad to see that you wrote that. I used to use this as a sort of “excuse” for him so that I wouldn’t have to really hold him accountable for the enormity of what I was feeling. That DIDNT WORK FOR ME! He IS an adult and he can handle it, in fact MUST handle it if he’s to grow and be able to worship ME! So now I let him know I feel AWFUL, terribly Angry, or whatever. That has been working. The more I feel courage to say those things the more and more it’s working for me, and also keeping me from “tolerating” the “immature men” who “couldn’t possibly know what they were doing” because they are Men, not babies for me to care for. Hehe. That feels fun to say… I am still feeling triggered in a triumphant way.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 3:45pm

  50. 50: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    heeheehee i feel absolutely tickled by daria’s post. i am giggling. hee hee. that feels like a party inside me. heehee. :) omg. i just keep giggling. i feel i am sharing daria’s ffeelings of of triumph. heehee. i feel happy.

    i hope i remember to copy an paste that and print it out once i am on a regular computer. heehee. it will keep me smiling and on track.

    i remember i had a conversation with one of my exes many months ago. and he said well how do you think i feel about x,y,z. (xyz basically being all his old wounds and why he is scared of commitment) i told him i don’t know how you feel.I AM TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL. (i didn’t actually yell it at him the caps are just for my emphasis right now)

    and i agree with daria. the ones who really want to be tranformed into kings and gods and princes DO keep coming around practically begging for more. the other ones who don’t send me energy or don’t care about my feelings or aren’t offering anything and are just there to take well i find i am not that interested in them anymore.

    i feel excited about becoming a pro with feeling messages like daria is. i imagine if i were a man i would find daria very intriguing with her authenticity and feeling messages.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 4:03pm

  51. 51: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    That’s the way, Daria!!!!! How fantastic you’ve got this figured out (the way to a real relationship, not worrying about the guy himself), are letting it imprint your body, mind and heart and have the courage to practice it! (Making excuses for others has Never worked for me either, it’s just taken a lot longer to realize it and try something else, while repairing that pathway from the heart through the throat.) Like Erika , nourishing yourselves with all the good bits, however small, the lessons learned, and despite the missteps and the painful feelings on the way. You rock! I just gave myself a hug in your honor, to rock along with you.

    I don’t feel we have to get every feeling message exactly right everytime. We just have to start. If we feel that it’s not quite what we meant, or we used a “you” statement, well just resay it as an I feel, even if it’s little bumbling. If we’re sincere, he’ll feel that beneath the sloppy words. And when we can’t find the abstract word to express our feeling, as Matt suggested why not tell him about some of those horrible physical sensations while we’re searching for it?

    I love how Alias Girl puts such important, profound things in such a simple, direct way. Yes, “how can we possibly know until we know? ” By really doing and saying and seeing, with different people in different settings, and then redoing and resaying and seeing anew with more people at other times…until we make it to the other, MAGNIFICENT side.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 4:40pm

  52. 52: MattMNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    “Relationships are centered around OUR feelings, and they get to make the DECISIONS that WORSHIP our FEELINGS.”

    “Guys tell me that “they don’t like : buying stuff for girls, driving to me, etc” all the time. They are just being immature. Am I listening to it? Yes. Do I “respect their feelings?” NO. It’s about my feelings.”

    It’s not my place to correct you, but any guy worth a damn will not put up with your self-centered attitude. The goddess complex will backfire on you.

    Imagine I reversed your words:
    Relationships are centered around a MAN’s feelings, and WOMEN get to make the decisions that worship a MAN’s feelings.”

    We’re back in the 1950s now. Is that where you want to be? There has to be mutual respect, concern, and compassion, otherwise you’ll attract a lap-dog instead. Any self-respecting man wouldn’t put up with the kind of attitude you wrote about. I wouldn’t.

    Matt

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 5:19pm

  53. 53: BethanyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Reshi–you are both so awesome to be noticing your “shoulds/should nots” and getting to explore them…I bet you will both be amazed at the kinds of guys that start to show up–remember Rori’s post aways back about that at how what kinds of guys show up are messengers…maybe letting go of the shoulds and observing who comes to you (because you’re the center of the target like Rori says) is the way feel your way around it?

    Everyone–your support means the world to me as I can’t talk about this with anyone I know and I feel stuck…I probably knew that having sex would make me feel stuck but I did it anyway and am now trying to not beat myself up about it…but it’s not the sex, it’s him saying that he only wants to do it WHEN HE FEELS IT’S “SPECIAL.” I said, I feel like I’m special, and he said of course you are…I AM SPECIAL! I deserve to be loved and made love to because my specialness doesn’t just go away and come back…I feel full of sorrow because I don’t know what’s going on with him…is it his Catholicness/is he gay and suppressing it? Sometimes sex just isn’t that important to a guy, like Rori says…but it’s how I feel about it, and can I feel okay about it? Can I “take care of myself” (if you know what I mean) so I’m never needy with him for sex? I don’t know. I know for damn sure that I don’t feel good locking myself into this (hello, other men on planet Earth–where the hell are you?)…I want to feel powerful, and giving your power away is a state of mind…I feel compassion for myself, I love that I follow my feelings and I love the bemused feeling I have, watching myself have sex with a guy who isn’t sure how much he likes me…no, I don’t feel good about that, I just feel stuck and paralyzed as to what I’m going to do next…

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 5:29pm

  54. 54: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Matt…

    THere are sooo many inconsiderate, self centered people in this world. Male and female alike. If there is a committment and effort put forth from both in the relationship at hand to make things work, give and take then yes absolutely it can be about “OUR” feelings.

    Unfortunately it seems that lots of relationships dont get to that point.

    Linda

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 6:28pm

  55. 55: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol – thanks Matt! I know I sound a little self centered… I am still working on feeling guilty about that! However relationships Are centered around women’t feelings and guys Do get to make the decisions regarding that or else the attraction fades. Imagine me coming to your house with flowers to take you out on a special date??? Would you like that?

    Maybe I don’t “have it down pat” however I am not USING these guys! I am being myself and sharing with them…

    I feel amused…. I feel challenged to see if I would like dating Matt lol… i just had a couple of Coronas and I feel kinda tipsy lol

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 6:36pm

  56. 56: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika..

    It is wonderful to feel as you are obviously feeling. Being emotionally and physically one with a man is awesome. It is undescribable really and will set a standard that will cause you not to ever want to settle for anything less. I know what I speak of first hand. Even though I never thought it possible, I was betrayed by the man that I experienced the thing that you describe with .They are but a distant memory now. Savor and cherish every moment.

    Linda

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 6:46pm

  57. 57: MattMNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria,

    Good point, the relationship is centered around the woman’s feelings, and it’s the guys job to be a rock and let her relax.

    I know you didn’t mean that you didn’t care about a guy’s feelings AT ALL, and you were talking from within a paradigm. It’s easy to slip into chauvinism or feminism when talking about this sort of thing, and especially to over-generalize. I do it all the time. Communication is tough, huh? :)

    Matt

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 7:09pm

  58. 58: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I know that when I started to take care of myself sexually–and I mean REALLY take care of myself, with candles and flowers and gentle caresses and love and the whole thing…my whole thing of wanting it with a particular man just kind of faded. Suddenly I was in control, I didn’t feel I had to go to him to “get” anything. Didn’t magically fix the relationship, but my self esteem went through the ROOF, and my standards went up too–if a man can’t do better for me than I can for myself, then what do I want him for?

    I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop–for some guy to find my online profile and message me “Reshi, you’re not all that, please lower your standards”–but it hasn’t happened thus far. Instead they’re meeting me and saying “Reshi, what’s a girl like you doing online?” I ask myself the same question. I like online because it allows me to weed by character and not just by a handsome face. Plenty of male models leave me cold. I feel like a right old bitch, never satisfied. xD I suppose that comes from being satisfied with being single.

    I feel amused by the exchange between Daria and Matt. Oh, to be in a relationship where conflicts are resolved so easily and respectfully! I would love that. I’m so very done with fuck-you fighting and drama in a relationship.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 7:40pm

  59. 59: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel very interested in matt’s comment and daria’s (tipsy) response. i had also felt daria was at an extreme when she said did she respect a man’s feelings?NO.

    but i also have witnessed daria’s process over the months so i just sort of took it in context of her working it out as she tries on different levels/extremes of working with the tools and theories.

    also, i believe rori says we can sort of flip back and forth in relationships of being in boy or girl mode.but biologically for the most part male energy is Doing and decision making , GIVING and female energy is Feeling, expressing sensual, RECEIVING.

    so i was back on track with daria’s reminder comment. i feel happy to have read such an exclamation.

    i feel mattm could write the counterpart materials to rori’s work and make a million bucks and then we could all live happily ever after as gods and godesses that we are. :)

    mattm if you want to start with the ebook rori wrote that is basically the foundation. if you read it you will see also how freaking in love with men most women are. it is just somewhere we (men and women) got offcourse. not really offcourse bc in my opinion never really on course. but the ebook has exercises that remind us women why we are doing all this work in the first place.

    also male energy does not neccessarily mean a Man. a woman can have male energy. but rori says pick which energy we want to primarily be in the relationship. i picked female/feminine much to the dismay of my strong male side. at my core i am feminine. the male energy i adopted was due to survivalism and coping but it wears me out and does not bring me joy like being a female does. and then yes i can vascillate but i am choosing to be primarily female/godess. which is why i am still smiling over daria’s post

    bc it felt so extreme that it actually brought me in line to my desires. and then it just felt like a feather boa around my lovely neck.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 7:47pm

  60. 60: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    here’s how i believe i learned rori’s idea:

    a woman needs to RESPECT a man’s decisions. RESPECT HOW he decides to row the boat. we can’t be giving him all sorts of micromanagement in the rowing dept.

    and a man GIVES ENERGY to a woman. a woman gives back. a man TAKES THE WOMAN’s FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION in his decisions.

    ah, this review is good. i feel i am getting something out of this.

    i know when i actually lean back, men WILL begin to row. i am very excitied about the day when i am NATURALLY a leaned back woman. bc right now it is conscious holding back bc all i want to do is GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE. blech. i am repulsed by my truth. i love my repulsion over my male adaptive skills i have acquired bc i thought i was nothing if i didn’t give. i love coming into myslef as a RECEIVING GODDESS. i feel uplifted and sparkling magical fairydust all around me.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 8:03pm

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Matt… thank you for your response… I feel very validated and accepted now! I feel all smily too… hehe

    Alias Girl, Reshi and Linda I feel so happy that you guys were interested and said something about my post… yay I feel special…

    woo hooo…

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 8:26pm

  62. 62: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel triggered. i am sitting in a movie theater lobby and there are so many polished, pretty young women. and couples. and then me. i had a frozen day today and didn’t do much of anything. and i am not dressed up and honestly i want a guy that doesn’t need me to be that polished kind of woman. you know with the hair that costs three thousand dollars a month upkeep and the high heels and the whole tthing. i don’t know why i compaare myself to women like that. i’m not that. i’ve never been that. do i want to be that? i honestly don’t know. maybe i do. ? maybe that’s whay i keep comparing myself to them? maybe if i didn’t spend so much time being a boy and trying to figure out how to become wealthy i would have more time to have three thousand dollar hair?

    i don’t know. i feel triggered and it feels like a lowered head and puddingface.hah i just made myself laugh. hah i have three thousand dollar sense of humor.

    i feel discouraged. why aren’t men climbing all over themselves to get to me? is it bc fri nit at the movie theater is couple’s nite. probably. i feel left out. that feels like i am a ghost. like no one sees me and i am sitting right here. right here ready to crack a three thousand dollar joke.

    men want the hair though. i mean is humor really up high on a guy’s priority list of the woman of his dreams? no. he wants the hair to laugh at his jokes.

    i feel faithful. my dreams will come true. a season for everything. i am learning. i am improving. if nothing else i am generally happy. that’s pretty good. ok. i feel rambling.

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 10:49pm

  63. 63: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I feel validated by Alias Girl’s post, it feels like my rant against wealthy educated guys. You know, the guys we’re all supposed to want…that I feel I’m supposed to want, and also feel I’m not good enough for them, because I have 5-minutes-a-day hair and wear motorcycle boots. F it, I’m not looking for Mr. Right, I’m looking for Mr. Reshi.

    I feel that a guy who is worth Alias Girl’s company would appreciate her $3000 sense of humor. I don’t feel that men are really as big of A-holes as it often looks like they are. I want to believe there are kind and caring men in the world, and if we lean back and use the Rori tools, they’ll find us. I mean, look, they’re starting to post here of all places…

    Saturday, 31 January 2009 @ 11:41pm

  64. 64: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel understood and propped up by reshi. and that feels like grateful tears.i feel hopeful. i am looking for mr right fit. mr lid to my pot. there’s a lid for every pot. NO MATTER HOW QUIRKY.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 1:06am

  65. 65: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    i was feeling accomplised today, I got a last minute call from my part time job on fri for work today. so on a saturday, i was up at 7am and 9am actually working and loving it. afterwards, i went to the stores and tried on sexy shoes and felt good imagining me wearing these kinds of shoes as often as i can. then i met up with a friend for more browsing (for me) and dinner. during this time, I was having a ball, making jokes and being my natural self. but in between, in the quiet spaces, i felt triggered, and i wanted to cry. because people were calling me and the universe is beginning to open for me. and yet, still, I am feeling hurt. the voice in me, is quieted more readily now. but it’s still loud and still able to make me feel sad and nostalgic, and miss my bf, who hasn’t called me at all today to even suggest plans or meeting up, and has reduced our communication to wake up calls where we barely speak. and though, it is pretty obvious, that he doesn’t care to know how I feel because he hasn’t asked me, i still feel raw, and put out there, and left hanging, abandoned, disgusted. and yes, common sense says that if he wanted me, if he wanted to continue doing the work of this relationship, if he even wanted to solidify a relationship with me at all, then he would be calling and booking time and keeping appointments, and being considerate. so then why does he even bother with the phone calls.

    I don’t want to be with someone that I have to spend any of my energy focusing on their motives. because honestly though I really believe and accept that I do fear intimacy and losing myself in a man, I know that I am not attracted to a man’s badness. what “works” for me in all of my relationships with people is that I try to identify at least one redeeming quality and then I fall in love with that. the problem there is that by doing so, by only seeing a person with foggy glasses, you limit your ability to view the whole them. and if you really can’t see them for they are flaws and all, then how you can really love him. me saying that feels so clique and somewhat untrue because in this relationship i saw him but i didn’t hear him because i didn’t believe him when he told me flat out that he was all about him, because what i would see would be one sweet deeds, and kind words, and that made me feel good, like i was getting something back.

    but fast forward, seven years, how do you walk away in your heart, in your head? how do you keep these words in your mouth and not attack him with your feelings when they have been stacking up inside of me for the past month, particularly. Im feeling like the fact that he is not rowing the boat is signal that he is bowing out of the relationship so that God can move me to where i belong. Maybe the understanding is mutual and unnecessary to explain. but if so, why call at all, and why do I feel relieved when he leaves messages or says sweet words. why do those things still feel good to me, though they also feel like crumb snatching? and I feel afraid that one day soon I will hear that he has fallen in love and found the one. and they will get married and have children, and he will be a great man to her. I feel that if i don’t run out and become available to men so they can distract me, that I will be insanely jealous to even think that someone else is sleeping on my pillow, in my spot on his bed, even though my clothes are still hanging in his closet, my clothes are still in his drawers and laundry basket, my boots and shoes are in some areas out in the open and under the bed, my pic is on the dresser somewhere, my extra glasses, my hair and skin products in the bathroom, i mean me all over his space and his conscience would allow him to seek other women (so I hear) or not lean forward enough to include me in his life. How do you not respond to that? How do you say this feels awful, there is too much distance, i feel invisible, i feel foolish, i feel left, I feel not cared for or loved. this relationship feels too casual, i don’t want to be your friend, i don’t know if want to have anything to do with you anymore, actually. i don’t have sex with you because I’m afraid that you have not been monagamous and i’m feel afraid that i may catch something, yes, i love you and hearing from you time to time feels appropriate but i want to keep my options open. I intend to get pass the guilt of an imaginary relationship, i intead to be available to other no so right guys and the right guy. i really do, though I feel afraid that if this works, i will have no other excuses. silly, i know.

    i don’t want to chase you, call you, remind you, ask you, I just want you to come home because I am here to receive love and let your love in, but only if you want me and only if you have real love to give me. that feels like not unconditional love, it feels like almost having some kind of standard for myself.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 1:08am

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel chills reading Cookie’s post. That felt amazing.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 2:54am

  67. 67: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie,

    Its me again, we were posting in the imaginary relationship post. I totally understand/feel what you write. I know the release it provides when we write those things out. It is like releasing steam that will cause us to blow up if we dont and there there is relieve.

    Love yourself Cookie, put yourself first, who you are and what you have to give is priceless. When you value that first, things will shift for you. I often feel stuck in my head and heart. I want what I dont have anymore. I just am accepting the fact that it isnt there now.

    The man I was with has things at my home, when I see them I wonder why he left some of his stuff here? Is there a subliminal message he wanted to send? “I am coming back, I really love you”…. I have spent way tooo many hours and cried too many tears over him his leaving me. I have come to the conclusion that his things that are here though they seemed quite important to him earlier actually really mean nothing to him just like me. Come spring I am having them all hauled away (the snow is too deep right now to do it)

    As I read your post, the feeling and mental image I get is that by leaving your things at his place, with things the way you describe is yet another way you keep yourself attached to him. Hoping it will trigger something in him. I see it as cruel to yourself. I see it a triggering you only. Go get them, remove them. I know it sounds hard but it is seems you making a bold statement to your heart. Closing a door to what makes you silently miserable. Maybe it will bring an awakening to him but the biggest gift I see that could result is a freedom for you. A physical manifestation of an internal shift….Your things may mean something to you, you may think it sends a message etc. but to him they probably just fade into the background and are like a part of the surroundings. It probably sends a message that… Cookie will always be available to me, if I feel like it, I can call her anytime and she will …. and you know that is not what you deserve or want isnt it?

    Seven years is a long time. If he has not made a lasting commitment to you in that time, I would say I would have to get my energy out of there a long time ago. I read once if a man is not sure what he wants then he does not want what he has. I know these words are hard to read, they hurt me as I type them because I was what he had that he did not want.

    At some point enough will be enough! You will reach that point. Often the begining point of the rest of our life will feel like a death and we dont know how we will go on with out what we are holding on to. Break thru comes when we reach that point of being done! (relinquishment) . Make decisions that help you to follow through with holding you in the most honored place in your life right now, do what is good for you and not anything that holds opens a door for the imaginary relationship to occupy that spot. The choice is yours. Where we put our focus and our energy is where our hearts will follow and line up to.

    I am making small steps and I am better every day. Having to recovering from not getting to have and enjoy the one and only love I have ever known up to this point in my life seems cruel,harsh most of all unnessarily unfair. But as I go, I realize that there is something better for me, I just have not encountered it yet. I bet you have not either Cookie. You know what you want, let yourself find it.

    Linda

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 8:08am

  68. 68: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    Although I am responding to every word you sent my way Linda, I was particularly triggered by what you wrote about what having my stuff there may symbolize to him, like he thinks he will always have an opening in my heart because how can i be gone if my things are there. and like he told his sister the other day “I’m his baby for life”. it is really symbolic though we have done this ritual before, he would get mad or I would and I would pack up all my things and take them home and then he would inch his way back and I would slowly bring things back piece by piece. the last time he packed my things in a black plastic bag and left the bag in his kitchen, even when i came back. it seems metaphorical in a way.

    and i guess with him its different because with other men, they leave, i don’t call them back, i let them go, i miss them in my heart and minds think them. but then the memory of them fades and I move on to something new. but with him, he walks away a little, then he comes back, like a baby taking steps, and when he gets too far out he turns around and looks for me to see if i’m still there. i am because i thought that’s the right kind of way to be with your man to be stable and secure and there. but he’s a man and not a baby, and even if he is a baby eventually babies learn how to walk for real and then they keep going.

    I don’t care about those things that much, maybe a few things but i can replenish things, the important stuff i can go get when he is not at home. I guess after reading Rori, i thought that maybe there is a chance to turn the relationship around, so I didn’t/don’t want to make any decisions right now or do anything drastic. I wanted to break the routine and just be still. Is that not right to do? Why do I have to do anything else?

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 9:09am

  69. 69: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Cookie! You said “I wanted to break the routine and just be still. Is that not right to do? Why do I have to do anything else?”

    This feels right to me. I had an experience like yours. We were always fighting and separating in the relationship, and my belongings that would accumulate at his house would become this BIG DEAL. I HAD to get them back because they were MINE afterall and he doesn’t get to hold on to what was MINE.

    It wasn’t about the belongings at all. The thing that was MINE that I was worried about was my value as his woman…how much he ought to be wanting me. Retrieving my “precious” belongings was just a ploy, now that I look back, to “stick it to him” but really it was total LEANING FORWARD.

    When our very last fight happened, I was so fed up with being treated and talked to poorly that I didn’t want to go anywhere near him. It wasn’t actually the worst period in our relationship but the daily Rori Raye emails had started to get under my skin (in a very good way), and instead of running back to him to convince him that he should treat me better and he is mean and wrong and stupid for risking losing me until he gives in and gets afraid of being alone, I just stayed away.

    I didn’t care about my things at his place as much as I cared about avoiding how BAD IT FEELS to open up the can of worms that accompanied retrieving them. Usually I’d call to make things right…and if I felt angry enough to not want to make things right, I’d say I’m going to get my things back from his place to PROMPT (manipulate) him to say sorry so I could give myself permission to want to make things right.

    Typing about this feels really twisted, because I feel like I would never EVER put myself in this unhealthy and leaning-forward position now that I know better. And now I DO know better. Instead of contacting him, I avoided him (he said some really nasty things and I wasn’t out of line for avoiding him). Contact with him felt awful. I wanted to feel good, safe, loved, appreciated. Not the object of abusive mentality (he called me a fatherless freak and said I was trash, for example!).

    So instead of scrambling to fix things, I leaned back. And he emailed a few apologies that did not impress me – how can you really apologize for using the fact that a woman doesn’t know her father against her? — but it is an example of “leaning back” doing all the work for me. I did not reply to his emails because I was always at work when I received them (haha this guy thinks I am going to put him ahead of my career as a young woman. My fault for giving him that idea. Never too late to change your mind though!). So then he called and left messages. Saying he should have called in the first place. Trying to “get it right.” He’d never been this way before. I still didn’t feel like getting into a bad cycle of drama with him by replying, and he didn’t really ask if I would please call him back, so I didn’t.

    Then the flowers came to my office. I felt irritated and sold short. I didn’t want flowers. I wanted a man who wouldn’t tell me I’m worthless every chance he felt threatened. I realized that by leaning back earlier in the relationship I would have inspired much better treatment from him, as this last fight of ours proved, but the truth is I didn’t want a man who fell to asshole pieces when dating an insecure girl who constantly leans forward, and I felt grateful to see this guy’s ugliest, truest colors. Just because I didn’t know how to exhibit feminine energy didn’t mean he was justified in telling me I’m worthless, that no one loves me, and I’m trash.

    My things are still there…maybe he got rid of them but I don’t know or care. It was never about my things. I bought new ones. It felt good. And now that I know how to lean back like I did with my first big step in the direction of Team Me, I have better ‘luck’ than ever with men. It feels wonderful. I feel grateful to Rori Raye for finally helping me get it through my little head:)

    This is the longest personal account I have written in a while. I feel self conscious about hitting the post button because I worry that it might not actually make sense or make me look stupid. I feel like this is normal to feel after spending a lifetime in a paradigm that is the opposite of what I’m doing now. It feels important to post this comment, though, because wanting a break from the routine and being still can mean a great deal of peace and can even turn the relationship around. The alternative is being inauthentic and leaning forward. I feel a bazillion times better now that I cut it out, and it had an effect on his attitude too!

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 11:15am

  70. 70: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel bothered that some men will treat a woman poorly just because she lets him. i mean do i really want a man that will only treat me well if he’s forced to?

    i run into people all the time who i can tell have no self esteem or would be easy to manipulate or emotionally torture. am i taking advantage of that? no. in fact i hardly even want to be around them bc of their lack of boundaries and it seems like they almost WANT to be victimized so they have someone to blame.

    and maybe that’s the cycle. neither party is really looking at their own stuff they are just playing roles of victimizer and victim.i know i was once in the role of victim. so maybe no one is to blame. it is just a matter of people taking responsibility for themselves and drawing boundaries and not being so desparate.

    wow. that’s not at all what i was going to write. interesting. of course it applies mostly to me i’m sure. if i were less desparate for companionship i would have an easier time ssaying no to ugly behavior from men. if i was truly filled up in my life it would be no question. if i was creatively, monetarily, spiritually satisifed and healthy i would seek a true companion. i would have friends.

    if i left the house feeling beautiful i wouldn’t be comparing myself to other kinds of women. i am my own kind of woman.

    i feel unsure about posting this. i was going to write something completely different and now here is this sermon like thing.well i guess i needed to hear it from myself.i feel brave enough to suffer any consequences that come from posting it.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 11:49am

  71. 71: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl – Yes, absolutely, this is very, very profound. You’re talking about Perception here, and “Who’s the Source” – and powerful things. Take a look at the new post around this, and let’s see if we can get deeper and jump off from this…Love, Rori

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 12:09pm

  72. 72: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,
    It’s so nice to have a place to communicate! I need to admit something, though…I just smoked pot. I feel confused – cause I think I just had a major breakthrough. But I’m not sure, cause I’m guilty of using a “drug.” But, I do know for sure that I just broke the law. Is someone going to come to my house now that I made a public admission? Is it stupid for me to admit it? Or is it stupid that there is a prohibition going on that the people did not approve! Who did, then? I hope you don’t consider this off-topic. It’s just that I sense our whole conversation is about tyranny among us. About how we have silly insane thoughts that interfere with our true feelings and our true reality. And the only way to be happy, is to be True! I have nothing else to say.

    Was that just high talk? I haven’t smoked in 7 months, though. And that was the only time since 5 months prior. What’s the big deal? Why is that illegal? I know all about the negative and positive outcomes of pot. Sometimes I’ve been out of balance, but I need to be free to figure that balance out for myself. Which is why, as an adult, I choose not to smoke very often. I have to make an adult decision. I feel like, maybe, I am a small child talking about being all grown up for no reason – except that our government is “bailing” us out of the credit bubble that they created by creating more credit. Our country is TRILLIONS of dollars in debt, at risk of some sort of terrorist attack, which none of us has seen the likes of since that horrible day that they play back over and over to us. Only constant threats from the media. That unless we give up our civil liberties and give up our free enterprise system, we are all going to be Terrorized by people on the other side of the world who hate us for being so great. WHAT’D I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Why am I being bombarded with BS from media. I don’t want some artificial medium to devour my existence!!! I want to experience my life for myself, and the media is meant to communicate only that which is vital for our function. If we are especially inclined to be entertaining, then we can create profitable art wherever we choose, but we don’t have to be a part of this retarded machine!!! To break free, it will require every individual to to
    Take a stand for the truth from your point of view.

    We don’t need a medium. I’m just saying. All we need is a constitution. And we have one. Let’s take a look at it. Do we like it? That’s a good question to ask. Cause, if you ask me, Right now, we have a Document which binds the government to protect our right to life, liberty, and property. And right now the Media and the Politicians are taking away our rights. They are taking our money. They our seizing our property. They are forbidding us to take care of ourselves as we would without their interference. Who made them God? I am not satisfied with the Obama McDonald dish they’re serving up. It makes me sick. And as a result of this trash, which is contaminating our beautiful nature, we forget how Beautiful women are, and how Powerful Men are. If we only remember this, we’re all good, I think.

    I feel I am being violated by our present Media/Political Crisis. Am I alone?

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 12:40pm

  73. 73: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Also,

    If you feel you know a man is your soul mate, isn’t it possible, that with a wounded man, you can give him a ton of love to make him better? Or do you really have to leave him alone until he has the strength to pursue you?

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 12:50pm

  74. 74: CookieNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so damn mad, i feel like i keep fucking up (i feel apolegetic for cursing). I just got off the phone with him, he wanted to make plans, I say we will see, I feel uncomfortable with putting myself in that situation, like last week. He went into saying this and that, then I said well if i don’t hear from you i know what it is.

    then I called back *(leaning forward) bc I felt unsettled with my role in the conversation, and I said I feel really unsettled with the way the conversation ended. (alot of the details I can’t remember because I was spewing out a million feelings (most of them feeling messages and some of them messages that started with I feel but reflected what I thought). And don’t wants like I don’t want to be hung up on, I don’t want to communicate like this, i don’t want to argue, i don’t want to be your girlfriend, I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to accept just your words, hearing those words feel like nothing to me. i don’t want to feel strung along, I don’t want to feel judged (he hinted at my weight gain as a reason we are having problems), I feel attacked, I feel judged. I’m feeling defensive, I’m feeling angry. I don’t want to end the conversation this way. I’m feeling annoyed, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to ask questions.

    He asked me what I wanted to do, I said I don’t want to deal in cut and dry, I don’t want to make that decision.
    He said i will see you later, I said ok.

    Many times I felt myself being emotional and desparate, caring too much, asking too many questions, not accepting his answers, my old shit. Many of those times I reversed it with a feeling message and/or I don’t want statement. A few times, I asked him what he thought. but sometimes i analyzed his thoughts into words of my own. Other times, I caught myself talking too much and shut my mouth.

    Yet I’m feeling so annoyed with myself because i’m for real about being different. I felt annoyed that he could be okay all week not calling and feeling free from the stress he says i bring him but I could have trouble sleeping every night.

    I feel triggered by alias girl’s response about the roles we play, victim and victor. I feel inquistive as I wonder if I play victim and if I do, is it true, that i don’t want to be anything else. I feel sad that I have to admit that I choose to be victimized again and again. Maybe I am afraid of being different, winning, being on top. Maybe it is easier to lose, to get hurt, to have them leave so I don’t have to have the guts or balls or boundaries. What does this do for me? Being weak, how does it serve me, I don’t know, I love my weakness, I love it because i know that you learn how to be strong by being weak.

    Like a child doesn’t really know how to fight or even really want to know until they have been hurt or bullied or jumped, then they want to learn so they can protect themselves. I love that my weakness wants to be protected by my strength who is inside me wanting to be strong and afraid of being weak. It feels weird to say that simulteneously while you are strong on the inside you are walking around with a open heart which me feels like an invitation for someone to try to hurt you. I don’t know, I live in NYC, people are hard and tough looking, and bitchy and rude, and even old people want to fight you if you look at them wrong or take their seat, and every one is so defensive and guarded and distrustful and standoffish. There are many many people here who are opportunists and they analyze and separate the weak from the strong and they devour the weak. In NY, i wear a mask, a evil unapproachable look that says don’t talk to me, don’t bother me, stay away. But in my heart, I long people, I long to meet new people and invite friendships. I feel excited when people get pass the veneers and approach me anyway to be in my space. And I think ok, they like me they want to know me, I become vulnerable and then they walk away because to them I was less of a challenge then they originally perceived. And it’s all about games or at least it feels that way. Cycle repeats. I’ve built up some deep fear of being exposed but I don’t want to be a bitch, I want to be me, loving and caring and willing to do anything for the people I love. I do want to be my best me. I’m having a hard time knowing who that is.

    I feel like I’m dominating the air space and I feel apologetic.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 12:57pm

  75. 75: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I just wanna say, that I do know the negatives of pot. Like Alcohol, it’s mostly a dumb thing to do. But my point is that I feel suffocated by “society.” It makes me wanna break a stupid law and smoke pot.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 1:28pm

  76. 76: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel that giving a wounded man a ton of love will make him better…except for the “tough love” variety. I feel that giving him love and nurturing is almost like saying I don’t trust you enough to make it on your own, I don’t think you’re strong enough to make it on your own. Whereas leaving him alone would feel more like telling him I have faith that he’ll grow stronger, strong enough to pursue me–and that I’ll still be OK if he doesn’t. I feel a man would rather we have faith in him than drown him in love–at least not the way we want them to give us love.

    “Soul mate” is a phrase that scares me. I don’t feel a soul mate means a life partner, or even should. A soul mate, to me, is more like a messenger, someone I attract for some specific reason, some specific soul work–my missing pieces call out for a man (or a woman, or even a cat–seriously–one of my soul mates was an angry little female cat who peed on everything I owned, and we eventually had to give her to a shelter :( ) with the matching missing pieces, and my experience with that person teaches me something about myself. Looking for a marriage partner to be a soul mate, to me, feels like this dysfunctional, stuck-together, painful experience…but maybe for someone else, it would feel like the most loving, joyful, blissful, connected thing imaginable. I don’t know.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 1:38pm

  77. 77: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    aw. i feel special and acknowledged by rori. :) xoxo

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 2:20pm

  78. 78: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    gina. is that for real?

    do you read this blog?

    i feel triggered.

    like i was saying sometimes people will do this unconsciously motivated behavior and then wonder why they are getting the results they are getting. for example. i will choose a man who has no time for em and is scared of intimacy and can’t commit. but loves me more than anything. over and over and over again. i pcik and create this scenario. it is my father. maybe i will riff on my father bc intellectually i am so over and done with it. but unconsciously i still want it. i want to fix it repait it and make it ok and make him love me.

    people will put this unconscious behavior out into the ether and then act suprised at the results.

    i don’t want to engage in political conversations on a relationship blog. but certainly it is still a free world and people are free to post whatever they like as long as rori approves it, it’s a go.

    i feel unwilling to dialouge with people who are not in a sober frame of mind. i feel instigated. that feels like me putting a force field around me to protect myself. i feel strong, resilient and unconcerned with speaking my truth.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 2:30pm

  79. 79: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel confiident that cookie is finding her truth and her self love. i feel encouraged by her generously sharing her process. sometimes i feel i am dominating the air space too (and probably am with my last comment. i feel self triggered)

    but in reality the air space is unlimited.

    in reality life is unlimited. the ONLY thing that limits my reality is me BELIEFS.

    i feel like kicking my own a**. which i find funny in a cartoonish visual sense. but i feel a war inside me. who i want to be and who i am choosing to be. i love my self crtiticism and telling myself i am not enough. i love my impatience with myself. i love my guilt for speaking my truth. i love this war inside me kicking up dust and freezing me. i love it. i love it so muchm i am in love with myself that i am such a flawed bullheaded person. i love my one dollar hair! i love my recreating daddy scenarios over and over again. (damn it can’t it just work out? can’t i just change my daddy into the daddy i want?)

    i love my feelings of being exposed on this blog. I LOVE IT. i love my irritation and impatience and ambivalence and changing my mind every four seconds so the universe gets my order and then four seconds later i yell CANCEL. THEN I CHANGE MY MIND AGAIN AND PUT IN THE ORDER FOR A GRREAT Great man and then over and over ad infinitm and so i get what i’ve got.

    ahhh i love my passion and desire to kick my own a**. i love it so much.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 2:44pm

  80. 80: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Gina, hehe sometimes I smoke pot too lol. I feel like defending you…

    I feel caged in by society here often too, except I actually do feel a shift with Obama. His becoming president has opened up a lot of trust in the world for me…

    I felt worried because I would feel like I have breakthroughs sometimes after smoking pot and then they would fade… I think that if I write on them and process them the way I would any breakthrough then if they are real they would still be breakthroughs in the end…

    I feel really worried my mom will find this blog now haha…

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 3:40pm

  81. 81: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I really used to believe that if you give a wounded man a ton of love then he will heal. This is what I believed was our mission and power as a woman. I am learning differently although sometimes I hear messages from songs and stories that men say about how their woman’s love healed them and I want to be that kinda woman. I have tried to heal plenty of exes… no success really.

    I am wondering if it’s not through love for herself that a woman has so much that a man is healed by being around her…

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 3:43pm

  82. 82: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey… sorry if I triggered but from what I read if you really want to get a different result than what you have been… I just suggest a new approach or a different angle on it.

    My ex husband would not take me seriously when I repeatidly told him I was unhappy..until I left. He then said if I really knew you were serious I would have done something… I just took for granted that you were always gonna be there no matter what. Hmmmm well I am gone. I feel quite certain that if I back tracked and returned to him it would all be the same again in no time. That is simply not what I want for the rest of my life. As I said life is all about choices.

    I dont want to trigger anybody really, but if I do an it opens up dialouge that brings healing or revelation then I will humbly offer the message.

    Be happy.. Linda

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 3:57pm

  83. 83: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I believe that love does heal. The key is which kind of love to use. Forgiving love? Tough Love? Encouraging enabeling love… Love has so many faces.

    Linda

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 4:05pm

  84. 84: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel triggered and i must say like rori says i can actually learn to WANT to be triggered bc i can just clear away stuff. hah. i can probably get to the point where i am UNTRIGGERABLE! then i will be like jesus christ in my beingness and i will just look with love and say they know not what they do then i will walk across water and then i will fly away or disappear into thin air and i will live forever and ever in love and bliss and ecstacy. amen.

    i feel excited about being triggered! maybe i will say yes to every man who asks just for the practice! i feel very excited and enthusiastic about being triggered. i feel self loving.

    Sunday, 1 February 2009 @ 4:10pm

  85. 85: PRPGNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I just read through everyones posts and i feel really moved to say thank you, to everyone who’s posted, because each of you has said something that resonates in me. I’ve only posted a couple of times and am generally new to the whole concept of Goddess-ness, leaning back, feeling messages etc. Sometimes i feel so lost, every bit of progress i make is usually undone by a stupid petty fight or me not being able to keep quiet any longer, and of course at times like that the last thing im able to do is articulate feeling messages.

    My point was actually that I feel so encouraged reading this blog, I feel less alone knowing each of you is on your own journey and kind of draw strength from reading about your experiences.

    Iv come to learn that I am very controlling and this need to control is born of a fear of the unknown, specifically in a relationship.. Any time I feel threatened or can’t predict an outcome I panic and start asking him millions of questions, to which I have a seem to have a set of answers in my head, and when he doesnt say exactly what i want to hear i freak out.

    I feel guilty for being so desperate and needing of reassurance but believe iv made some sort of progress bc now at least I can recognise it and still love myself in spite of it. I so want to change though and become carefree and live in the moment. Every day, every conversation with and pertaining to my bf and I am alert, listening, watching, waiting for any clue that I could get hurt, be rejected, be abandoned (its like deep in my heart I believe this would be what I deserve, even tho I conciously and with my mind tell myself I AM worthy, I just do not always feel it). He always says he just wants me to relax and be happy but I just think too much. I have played out so many negative scenarios in my head like him leaving, cheating etc, i think i do this so as to be prepared. I feel like if I expect the worst I cant be disappointed. I think maybe I punish him subconciously because I believe he will hurt me. I think I think too much. lol :-)

    I feel I need to take ownership of my part of things. Ive jumped down his throat so many times about so many small things, he is sometimes bewildered like, what did I do? and all the time its because he is not conforming to what I want and how I want to control him. Is it good that I recognise these things about myself? I just think Ive played the victim too long.

    This whole week I thought I was leaning back but it yielded only a few results, and last nite he said the last while Iv been so off to him. So I felt good that he’d at least noticed but crappy because he’s been taking it as bitchiness instead of seeing that Im focusing on me. sigh.

    Last thing, quickly. Cookie, what you said bout living in NYC and longing for people, esp “in my heart, I long people, I long to meet new people and invite friendships. I feel excited when people get pass the veneers and approach me anyway to be in my space. And I think ok, they like me they want to know me, I become vulnerable….And it’s all about games or at least it feels that way. Cycle repeats. I’ve built up some deep fear of being exposed but I don’t want to be a bitch, I want to be me, loving and caring and willing to do anything for the people I love. I do want to be my best me. I’m having a hard time knowing who that is.. ”

    Sorry to quote that whole bit but it sums me up so perfectly. I feel like we are something of kindred spirits…

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 2:10am

  86. 86: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    ladies,
    I feel bad that I triggered Alias girl with my rant. Here’s why I did what I did: I am working on a program that is about helping young girls deal with the normal pressures of adolescence, which are compounded by societal pressures unique to contemporary American Culture. The more I research the fundamentals of our society, (such as how money is created, how media is controlled etc) the more I feel overwhelmed with an urgent desire to buck against a system that I sense is becoming more rigid. Although I do sense the “shift” Daria referred to- I only feel good about how good many others seem to feel. But I perceive what they are responding to as an illusion, so the general optimism makes me feel uneasy. I mostly sense a shift towards Egalitarianism: an attempt to make everyone the same. I feel in my gut that it is horrible and awful to the human spirit to impose conformity – I feel it permeating our culture from media and politics. I see it in schools, and I hear the gospel of egalitarianism coming from the mouths of people discussing current events. Yesterday, I was triggered by a program that was supposed to be anti egalitarianism, pro individual liberty. but, in the course of it’s analysis, it stated that men are apparently “superior” to women because they have dominated cultures since the beginning of time. It criticized the Feminist Movement for denying the Natural difference between men and women: thus denying women of their femininity and, and effectively castrating men at the same time. I feel confused, cause that’s how I feel in the dating world. And that seems to be what Rori is referring to when she says that we have been taught to deny our feelings, and our feminine nature. And men have become Supressed, as well. However, this guy (in the program) didn’t have it right, either. The feminist movement was a natural revolt against the ways that women were denied the opportunity to reach their full potential in the past. Because we had to fight against men (who are bigger and stronger than us) we denied our softer sides in order to compete. But I don’t want to compete with men. I want to love men’s power, not feel threatened by it. I want men to love my beauty, not exploit it. I am talking about societal stuff only cause I see it in the microcosm of my life.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 8:52am

  87. 87: LinNo Gravatar says:

    The other night.. I watched a documentary in Japan with young men.. who worked at this ..
    lets say Party house and they are the hosts… seeking young women … to be their customers … and their goal was that these young beautiful women would be a long time customer of theirs… Guess what they were selling to these young beautiful women?
    not necessary sex… but a dream of love.. (fake)
    they listen to them.. telling them they are pretty,
    being soft with them… pretending to care about them… asking them about their lives.
    they called it healing the women…. !!
    these women fall for it.. they keep coming back and they each believe they will marry their host…. they spend all their money on their host… they go see them often. They pay alot of money for the bottle of “wine or something” for the visit with their host. and sometimes they buy 3 bottles.
    It was so sad… to me… that the young women could want to be loved so bad they believe the host… they go see… It was shocking to me. I guess the Japaneses figured out…. the whore houses is what men want…and they make alot of money…. so… they will make money on what a women wants… to be loved. These women spend all their money on their hosts.
    and each host has tons of women who has fallen in love with them. when women sell their bodies for money… at least they dont tell thier customers lies.. . these hosts say they are selling the women a dream… and the women want the dream…. very interesting..
    ‘and very sad….. the hosts are so nice to the young women… the women say.. they cant find any other young men so nice as the host.
    I found this very distrubing.. also the women were beautiful and thin. Has any one heard of this before.?
    just wanted to share
    Lin

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 9:34am

  88. 88: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I run away from men all the time. I do read this blog, and when I posed the question of whether to give love to a wounded man, I was expressing the part of myself that wants to. Truth is, not only do I not stick with the unhealthy ones, I don’t stick to the healthy ones. Yesterday, I went to the park to write in my journal. I had just gotten done writing about how I am willing to let love in my life, when a guy stopped to talk to me. I was lying on a bench, so I probably looked relaxed and approachable. But I didn’t find this man attractive at all, and I wanted him to go away. I felt guilty about it, so I was rude and left the bench. I wish I just accepted my feelings told him I would prefer to be alone. I felt triggered, cause I have dealt with “creepy guys” (actual dangerous men that required legal action.) But, to be honest, I don’t know if he was dangerous at all – I considered it a red flag that he wasn’t in tune to the fact that I didn’t want him around (or he didn’t care whether I did.) Then, as I walked along the trail, another man interrupted some intense day dreaming. He was young, fit, and on a bike. He had a nice sincere smile, and a nice voice. I couldn’t see his eyes cause he was wearing sunglasses, and that put me on guard. He said “so…what are you writing about in there?” (journal) I was smiley and bashful, but immediately tried to brush him off. “Nothing!” I said. “Come on… you gotta tell me!” he said. I shot back “What compelled you to stop? Another guy just stopped me. He was creepy. You don’t seem as creepy.” He started to back away but still smiling and vulnerable and encouraging: “You have to tell me what you were writing!” “No!” I said. “Come on! It’s your destiny to tell me!” I had started to walk past him, but now I looked back at him, incredulous. “What’s the point of writing if you’re not going to share it?” he said. “Have a nice day!” I called to him behind me. “you too.” he said. I kept walking till he was far enough behind for me to feel comfortable watching him ride away. And I wished he would come back. This is a perfect example of my pattern. I guess that’s my comfort zone – feeling powerful in pushing off the advances of men. sigh…I am willing to be vulnerable.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 9:35am

  89. 89: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    that is really interesting, Lin. Thanks for sharing.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 10:18am

  90. 90: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone, and welcome Matt,
    It’s been awhile. I’ve been following everyone’s stories but haven’t had much to say, and I’ve been preoccupied with writing my book as well as an upcoming article.
    Speaking in feeling messages, speaking from the heart, sharing what and who you are in this way is really very simple, non-accusatory, crucial to any relationship, and one of the most loving things you can do. It has been my experience that men take our lead. The more we open ourselves, are vulnerable, share our deepest of deeps, the more they feel at ease and the more they will do the same albeit in a male way. It’s not so much in the words with men, usually, but in the action, how they are with us. I can feel any edges in energy and in the air between us dissolve and flow more and more freely when I have an accruing issue and then express my state of being.
    I also want to remind that good feeling feelings should be expressed as much if not more, “I feel so good.” “I feel so safe.” “I love having sex with you. It makes me feel so yummy good.” “I love when you….” You get the idea.
    Feeling messages honor you and honor him as well as the both of you as a couple. It’s clean. It’s beautiful.
    hugs, tinque

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 12:20pm

  91. 91: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    That’s beautiful, Tinque, thank you! Flipper nice to read you again, I feel like I haven’t connected with you for ages. I loved your post too PRPG, I feel glad you’re here with me. I feel accompanied too.

    Yet I feel alone sometimes too, invisible, overlooked – all my life’s disappointments echoed. So I feel eleven years old, ungainly, out of place, jealous, mumbling and feeling embarrassed. Then suddenly I feel womanly, compassionate, loud, passionate – I’m luvvin the rhyme here lol! – or just Human, curious, intrigued, interested.

    Rori thank you for today’s e-letter on Anger. I’m pretending it was written JUST FOR ME. I’m enjoying this feeling. I don’t care if a million trillion people got it. A billion million squillion folks, ladies, dudes, tarts and vicars. I want I want I want you as my personal advisor, I feel like getting some approval. I want to shove everyone aside and shout ME ME ME!! MY turn!

    I feel embarrassed and I’m enjoying stamping my foot and sticking out my bottom lip. HELL THIS IS FUN!!!! I’m lmao :)

    Just back on after the weekend, plenty of opps to practice in the ‘River of Eeek! Was That a Feeling I Just Had?’ and all is well. Melty good. mmmmmmm

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 2:28pm

  92. 92: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    And hello to all the usual suspects too :) :)

    I feel playful now.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 2:30pm

  93. 93: sifsgoldwigNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve felt SO triggered all day today to contact my ex. I feel awkward to have called him my ex. I love my awkwardness. And now I feel awkward to have said that I love my awkwardness. Anyway, I was in an imaginary relationship with this guy for three months. At first, he seemed more interested in me than I was in him (and I was VERY interested) and throughout our whole time together, he was attentive and giving. And then I told him I loved him, and then he broke up with me. That was over three months ago. About three weeks after the breakup, I emailed him and the last things we said to each other, respectively, were “I sincerely want to be friends in the future” (me) and “I too want to be friends in the future, but I think more time needs to pass, however.” (him.) Since then, I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me. I’ve been working on myself and have been on a few dates, even though I still think about him, and now recognize that when I said I wanted to be friends with him, it was coming from a place of needing to still be in his life, no matter what. I feel stronger now, like if he wanted me back I wouldn’t immediately melt into a puddle and say yes. I feel my main problem is the fact that he hasn’t done anything. No calls, emails, texts. Is he respecting my space or does he just not care? I feel sad and weighed down today. That feels like my fingers and toes are pinned to the floor and everytime I try to get up, my skin stretches and I snap back to the ground. I love that I feel sad and weighed down. Do I send this guy a feeling message? Something like “I feel sad that we haven’t talked in awhile?” Right now, it feels like I wouldn’t have an agenda if I send that; I would be honestly saying how I was, well, being, but I don’t know. Any advice?

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 4:48pm

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey SfGoldwig,

    My advice: DO NOT DO THAT!

    Reread Rori’s post above!

    “Do you ever feel tempted beyond endurance to tell a man how you feel? Even when he’s not there, or he’s not interested, or he doesn’t care, or he hasn’t called you in weeks, or you’ve been broken up?

    And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?”

    “Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence. You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.”

    I’m sorry you feel bad! I send you hugs and I want to see you doing better… Any kind of message right now would be leaning forward… you can feel sad about having not seen him in awhile YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL HIM!!! you can riff about it here…

    Where is it in your body? you feel the heaviness in your skin? I love your skin… well am holding the love there for you… and that feels like my mouth corners turning up and smiling… and that feels like breathing in deep like hmmm… and that feels like titling my head to one side and smiling more… hehe…

    I feel love for your sadness right now and I know you will feel better soon…

    Hugs,
    Daria

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 4:57pm

  95. 95: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Heartbeat – I always feel it’s so much fun to play with you. I’ll share a ‘joke’ I got today:

    HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
    Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

    HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
    Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don’t block the TV.

    Of course, we all know NOW this really is a JOKE (the part about a man). We used to think, ruefully, how true, how true…and then feel gGrrrhhhh,blech, disappointment, hopelessness . And the irony is that we were also TAUGHT this to be true and believed it.

    But NOW we know the most important part for Our Man is missing from the list. And that, of course, is sharing our feelings with him: about the JOY of being naked with him, our UNEASINESS about the consequences of chicken wings, and even our ANGER about feeling second place to the TV.

    Hugs all around.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 4:58pm

  96. 96: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Now I’m totally LMAO, Flipper! :) :)
    That’s such an old joke, yet this time it feels funnier than ever! Well c’mon now, it’s so true…!

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:07pm

  97. 97: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Sifsgoldwig, I agree with Daria, and want to encourage you to turn 180 towards something that feels really interesting and good to you, it doesn’t have to be a conquering Everest kind of thing (tho no reason why not lol!) – just think of something – anything, right now – no matter how small. In fact small is good cos that will lead to the next small thing, and the next… all the way to not thinking about HIM and feeling focused on YOU.

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:15pm

  98. 98: AverieNo Gravatar says:

    sifsgoldwig,

    Darius gave you a very good advice and she’s being very supportive. don’t mean to discredit your advice….that’s a piece of good advice, Darius.

    But just want to say that, it’s all about “EXPERIMENT.” what works on someone else doesn’t mean it’d work on you. That’s why you have to “EXPERIMENT.” that means do whatever you want and see that as a “LEARNING PROCESS.”

    but you’ve got to be careful about going with this—it will trigger your feelings. you said “Right now, it feels like I wouldn’t have an agenda if I send that; I would be honestly saying how I was, well, being, but I don’t know.”

    that’s IT. YOU DON’T KNOW. and you are confused and CURIOUS. If you can talk to him as in being just curious what feelings would come up and learn how to DEAL WITH them rather than having an agenda and expecting a reaction from him, YOU ARE GOOD TO GO.

    my guess is that you still miss him and MIGHT want to have him back and PROVE to him that you are DIFFERENT now. and that smells like DANGER to me. if you talk to him with this agenda, you would FEEL “WORSE” than not talking to him—i can guarantee you on this, just like how Darius and Rori puts it!!! I’ve tried this on some of my exes and it’s a very valuable experience to HAVE.

    therefore, TRY everything and ANYTHING you could to HELP you IMPROVE you. that’s what Rori’s work is all about– IMPROVING yourself through EXERCISES, and we all know that success comes from many failures:)

    best luck to you,
    Averie

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:24pm

  99. 99: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Good point, Averie. I deleted some of my comment because I remembered at the end that sifsgoldwig’s ex had asked for longer space, so I feel it’s in his court re contact. Having said that, I sent an ‘I miss you’ kind of message when I felt I had NO AGENDA but to express a feeling, and as an experiment – and I got a resonse, and a relationship. But only after some honest self-examination and other options, interests and friendships to enjoy and support me.

    I’m worried I’ll get sent to the back of the class… ;)

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 5:35pm

  100. 100: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi my name is Nancy, I have been using the tools for a while now and I have to say that to get a guy the tools are great! they got me the boyfriend I have had for 4 months now. Well my relationship had everything perfect! i got all of the attention and affection I could ever want! then I noticed that I would initiate alot for sex. Every time ofcoarse he would move away or say hes tired or its not the right time. Ofcorase my feelings got hurt, i would feel rejected everytime! and i let him know but it seemed like he didnt understand why i felt like that. So i tried the tools and I STOPPED initiating. After a few weeks i noticed that he stoped giving me affection and the attention that i loved. I just couldnt take it anymore so i told him that lately I have been feeling negleted and dont feel the same attention as before. He told me that the reason he stoped was because he felt like he was just GIVING and not RECEIVING any affection. And hated the fact that I stopped initiating sex or anyother type of affection so that made him stop too. And for a while there I felt like our relationship was about to die because it seemed like both of us weren’t putting any effort into the relationship. So to try to fix this I am now slowly starting to give affection and initiate sex and surprisingly he hasnt turned it down and at times I could even see it in his face that he thinks about it and says ok as if he were to remember what i said about feling rejected. BUT I dont know if this is ok. I mean I dont want to be the one to ALWAYS initiate! but then again if i stop he will stop too uh! I NEED HELP! what if he starts rejecting me again? what if he starts making me feel like he is not apreatiating what i do? Is it possible that maybe he is the type of guy that needs a girl to initiate all the time? HELP! please!
    Thank you, hope to hear from you soon!

    Monday, 2 February 2009 @ 11:10pm

  101. 101: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Bethany

    You are special. Be special!… Giving a man the most intimate part of ourselves should feel good. It should be treasured. (that seems like the type of relationship you are desiring and not a casual one)…

    Your inner voice is speaking to you. Listen to it and respond. Freezing up? is fear of rejection or having made or making a mistake there behind that. Only you can discover that.

    If you dont feel right then figure is out and then decide the right action. I hate to read about how things happened after your time with your man. If you deal with the issues that his have triggered and the next time and there will be one… you will be better equiped and able to be true to yourself and get what you want.

    I was with a man who was the love of my life. The sexuality that flowed between us was the most rewarding and satisfiying thing I have ever experienced! That went on for a year then things changed. He changed. The sex changed… I did not feel great anymore but intuitively bothered though I could not put my finger on it. I did not pay attention to my comfort level changing and stayed focused on “it will be okay, etc etc”… All the while I feel like I am betraying something in me. I can say that at the very first time I felt like that after intimacy with him I should have followed my intuition and sought to protect myself from feeling silently disprected.

    You are trying to tell yourself something, my experience tells me to listen when that happens, please do the same for yourself. Get to the bottom of it dont let it go and ignore it. Love yourself first.

    Linda

    Tuesday, 3 February 2009 @ 4:15pm

  102. 102: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy,
    When you initiate the sex… is it the best sex you ever had in your life.? My guy is the same.
    I am the one that initiate the sex… and its the most mind blowing sex… I have talked to him about that.. and he says… its the best sex in his life…lets not change anything.. its the best.
    and I think there is something to that…. I start it cause I want it…. Men always want it.
    so its best when we start it …. thats the secret.
    as long as he does not say no… I couldn’t handle that either… we just have no practise and the man saying no… icky.

    Tuesday, 3 February 2009 @ 6:37pm

  103. 103: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post about feeling messages and it clears alot of things up butI have a question. It no longer matters what C thinks of me using feeling messages but one night (before I found out what he had done last week) we were having a nice night watching TV and snuggling and I was talking as usual using feeling messages and he responded with somethings like ‘ why is everything about how YOU feel – it is all about YOU.” I was stunned. I posted when that happened maybe a month or so ago…some may remember that. How do we use feeling messages WITHOUT coming across self centered and self absorbed and still have a man HEAR what we are saying and how do we connect with him at that point? Daria – I know you remember this becasue I remember you commenting on my response to his which was ‘that felt yucky to have you respont that way’ and I know I screwed it up by making him wrong but…still learning.

    Even given my current situation this…….
    “And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.” hit home for me in a HUGE way. The only thing is that now there is no reason to tell Charles anything that I feel what-so-ever! I am trying to DISTANCE myself emotionally from him and it seems that the further I move away…the closer that he wants to be to me?! WHY? Why doesnt he just seek that out in one of the women on the swinger’s site he signed up from? Why does he want to be close to me now??? I am certainly NOT going to confront him on it because it will not matter and will make no difference at all so why try to HONOR someone that is not honorable? To tell him how I feel about waht he has done…again…..will do nothing but waste my energy and make ME feel bad because he will turn it around and get angry at ME! So this is one time where I am NOT wanting to talk to him or tell him how I feel as it will be casting pearls among swine so to speak.

    Still don’t know how to use feeling messages though and NOT be seen as self absorbed.
    Love and hugs to all…..
    Cassandra

    Wednesday, 4 February 2009 @ 1:45pm

  104. 104: sifsgoldwigNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Daria, Heartbeat, and Averie! I wanted to thank you for your input. Thankfully I did NOT contact my ex and actually it felt a lot better just to get that temptation and desire out there. I know I’ll be back in the same boat again, but now at least I know how to deal with it without sabotaging myself. And I also know it will get better.

    Wednesday, 4 February 2009 @ 10:34pm

  105. 105: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Lin,
    Your right when i initiate it I do tend to enjoy it more. But i just wish he would initiate it more often. The few times he has, i really liked how it made me feel wanted and desired. I mean don’t you sometimes wish your boyfriend would make the moves on you? When i would make moves on him he would even give me comments like, “oh is that all you want me for?” or i couldn’t even make out with him because then all of a sudden he’d assume i wanted to have sex. He has me feeling confused because i stopped initiating so i wont be pushy, now he’s bothered because i don’t initiate anymore. When i told him how i felt, it seemed like he understood. But then again that is just who i am an agressive affectionate person so maybe i shouldn’t change. So I’m going to do a little test, this whole week i am going to go back to how i was before and initiate and be affectionate and my happy old self and let’s see if he rejects me. If he does how can i not take it personally and keep my cool? let me know of any tips!

    Sunday, 8 February 2009 @ 9:52pm

  106. 106: LinNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy,
    With my guy, its better when he initiates the calls and the getting together.. because then we usually go out to dinner.. ect.. and he is putting in the energy into us.. and also he is making the investment.. ( it use to be more my investment in him, with making dinner every night for us) As far as sex, he initiates it in his way…. I can tell… but then I do.. I have talked to him about this.. and he loves it when I do..
    and so do I.. cause… I am ready.. ! I feel if most men would wait till the women was ready
    the whole thing would be so much better.
    He just gets me ready before we hit the bed.
    by being touchy feely… saying please relax and sit next to me… and hold my hand.. and rubing my neck… and head !! I love it.
    and then…I initiate. the making love.. it…. He says its great this way and he does not want to change a thing..
    If he acted like.. oh thats all I ever want… I would do a deep freeze…. !! or I would just wait a while ( be cool) and then leave.. !
    And of course he would know why… cause I would do a power speech… on my way out.
    How lucky your man is… that he has a women like you.. who wants him so much !!! How many men would want a deal like that… MOST
    I think you need to make him feel he is not the only fish in the pond…. and that scare should rev up his engines !!! Men are pretty easy to figure out. and we have to just be smarter. !!
    I am feeling this is the constent balance we have to maintain with our men for life…
    This is what it seems to be… I wait so very very long to meet the man I can really really love… and inbetween there are all these frogs that I dont really want… years of frogs.. and I am always told … I dont have the desire.. bla bla bla… and then you finnally met your Mr Right.. and you just cant pour out all your love on him… cause then he gets borded.. So you still have to let him row the boat.. and lean back… however I still feel its the women who picks the man… who she wants to love..
    cause we are always throwing men back into the pond.. !! They do get use to it… and we women… dont get use to being throwed back into the pond… never… !! our hearts break !!
    what do you think ?
    love Lin

    Monday, 9 February 2009 @ 6:59am

  107. 107: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Lin,
    Thank you for your comment. It really helps, you are right there are so many other things he initiates at least sex can be one thing I can do in my part. Although he did admit to me today that I sometimes don’t give him the chance to make moves so I just need to learn to keep relaxed and in the middle some how. I am really liking your comments I have other questions and concerns that i would love to hear your opinion on but I am kind of shy posting them, is there a way I can contact you by email?

    Tuesday, 10 February 2009 @ 12:41am

  108. 108: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question that keeps coming up for me and I am not even sure if anyone is still on this page/ post but here goes…..
    I am trying so hard to stay in feeling messages with pretty much everything that I say to mostly everyone….man or woman. That feels good to me and much more authentic than I was before so that’s great…BUT even though things will mots likely not work out with Charles and that is most likely what is BEST For me…with me using all of these feeling messages he is now constantly telling me how self centered I am. He never used to tell me that before I was using these feeling messages but now he tells me all the time that everything is about how I feel and me me me! WOW! That really hurts me to the core. Growing up – being self centered and selfish was not a good thing so in my head it is not a good thing and it does NOT fel good at all to be told that now that i am using feeling messages that I have become self centered and selfish. HELP! I don’t like this at all and it is kind of making me want to NOT use them. Any suggestions? ANYONE?

    Thursday, 12 February 2009 @ 10:07am

  109. 109: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra,

    the word “self-center” in my definition is you are the center of your world. And that’s the way it should be. being self-center is one step toward in gaining your self esteem believe it or not, and self-esteem is the KEY.
    you said you’ve been trying so hard to stay in feeling messages, now my question for you is do you say how you feel just for the sake of saying it, with no hidden agenda, or you say them just to get a REACTION out of him? most importantly, do you say them when you are actually feelings them or do you say them even when you don’t FEEL them?? It makes such a big difference between these two. from my experiences, stay with TRULY how you feel is the way to go whether you say it out loud or not.
    i believe the reason why Rori wants all of us to “speak” in feeling messages is because she wants us to be able to feel what we feel, to recognize when it happens, and just feel them. so saying them out loud is the first step toward ‘owning your feelings.” then amazing thing happens you just move toward things that make you feel good and move away things that make you feel bad because now you would be able to trust your feelings and yourself. that’s what constructs a high self esteem—-that no matter what a man says to you (try to make you wrong, put you in guilt trips etc) you would stay absolutely true to yourself, trust your feelings, and go with your feelings, no amount of talking, pleading, persuading would pull you away from that.
    that is ONLY and if ONLY you TRUST yourself and make decisions for what’s best for YOU.

    Thursday, 12 February 2009 @ 3:38pm

  110. 110: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    ABC…..I loved your post and explanation/s. Thank you. I am definitely saying how I feel when I feel things or become aware that I am feeling something specific. There are times when I am not really feeling anything in particular and I am noticing that too. When C says something that makes me feel good then I tell him that but if he says something that makes me feel bad somehow I tell him how it made me feel. I am not really concerned about waht his reaction is because me telling him how I feel is about me – in my mind anyway – and not about him so I don’t really concern myself with his reaction EXCEPT for the times when he has said what he has about me being self centered and selfish. Those comments did bother me and I told him that – in feeling messages of course. I think I even posted about when that happened about a month ago and when he reacted negatively I still stayed in MY feeling messages and told him that his responding to me felt yucky and then we both just burst out laughing. That was refreshing to tell him that and be able to feel what I felt no matter what HE felt or said…I stated true to me. I am MOST DEFINITELY noticing that the more I teel him how I feel about any given thing and really stay focused on MY feelings…the more I feel stronger within my own world/ self and that does feel good. Your post is really encouraging to me because it shows me that I am on track and in alot of cases staying true to how I feel rather than being concerned with him, his feelings or reactions and that feels good to me. I have been feeling so far behind in using the tools and this makes me feel that I am not as far behind where I thought I was. :-) There are alot of times though that I know I am feeling something but am not sure how to really figure out what it is exactly I am feeling but I will get there. Thanks ABC. I am glad you are here.
    Sending you a huge hug….
    Cassandra

    Thursday, 12 February 2009 @ 6:12pm

  111. 111: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra,

    u r welcome. I once was just like u, feeling confused and sad that I couldn’t have what I want. And then, one day, everything shifted, changed, and transformed. Compare to what Rori does, what I do is really small. I can so understand where you are coming from.

    feelings can be deceiving too. I believe sometimes it’s our bodies defense mechanism trying to protect us from harm. sometimes i am merely “thinking,” and i confused that with “feeling.” sometimes i had to “DIG DEEP” to find my feelings. and once i find them, recognize them, amazing thing happens.

    one thing though, i realize is that, if i can successfully recognize my feelings in a special situation, if i can RIFF them, CHANEL them successfully, next time when something similar happens again, i GOT a whole new different set of feelings, and it feels great!!! that’s when i started to feel proud of myself. And My SELF ESTEEM got skyrocketed.

    so try to FIND your feelings. and DIG DEEP:)

    Monday, 16 February 2009 @ 2:57pm

  112. 112: self esteemNo Gravatar says:

    Is anyone here dating or is in a relationship with a guy that has a child? I need some advise.

    Monday, 16 February 2009 @ 9:44pm

  113. 113: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    ABC….thank you so much for your post. I really felt connected to what you wrote….I could totally relate. I am so glad that you are in such a better place…I know it took alot of work to get there but I am quite sure that it is so worth it. Each day I am indeed feeling myself change for the better. I know too that my body is so connected to how I am feeling inside and I truly believe that that is why I am dealing with so many health issues since coming here last year…..the cancer I jsut dealt with included. My body tends to SCREAM when things aren’t right somewhere else in my life and it doesn’t stop until the light bulb finally goes off in my head and I am like “Ohhhhhh….that’s what that was all about.” You’d think I would get it sooner but I suppose that is my process. I often have trouble figuring out what it is that I am feeling and it is often hard for me to get to the REAL feeling. How exactly do you dig deep? What do you do to get there…to get to the REAL feeling? SO often I feel as though I am THNKING and not feeling and I KNOW that lately I am totally in think mode because it is soo hurtful for me right now to FEEL. I do feel and see things changing in me though and that in itself is SO AMAZING! I never ever thought I could feel that I would not want to be with my man and lately I have been thinking along those lines. It actualy scares me sometimes but I suppose that is a good thing. Sometimes he will say or do things that I just so cannot relate to and I think to myself…’Do I REALLY want this for the rest of my life?!” I NEVER used to think that way so for me that is a HUGE step. Thanks again ABC and if you have any insight on HOW to access those deep deep feelings I would so graciously welcome it.
    Sending you a hug…..
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 17 February 2009 @ 7:28pm

  114. 114: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    hey Cassandra,

    you said “My body tends to SCREAM when things aren’t right somewhere else in my life and it doesn’t stop until the light bulb finally goes off in my head and I am like “Ohhhhhh….that’s what that was all about.” i’m not sure exactly what situation u were in per ce, but i’m guessing ur body tensed up because u got anxious, so ur body and heart were trying to tell u something–something deep and profound. and i assumed that you found that “feeling?” if u did, ur body would just totally surrender and ur mind rest peace. NOW THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT. Although i have to say that anxiety is NOT a feeling, it’s just a sign before u would get your feelings. in your case, i think you get a lot of anxieties—”My body tends to SCREAM”?? so maybe next time you want to catch yourself getting anxious and then go from there to find your feelings?? So being conscious when you get anxious is the first step:)

    i noticed that in ur first response, u used a lot of “him” & “his.” in ur second response, u used “I” & “my.” and that’s the way to DO IT. u r on the right track which is being CURIOUS to get to know urself. and the rest, will just follow.

    u also said, “SO often I feel as though I am THNKING and not feeling and I KNOW that lately I am totally in think mode because it is soo hurtful for me right now to FEEL.”
    there’s nothing wrong with thinking, sometimes it’s good that we need to be in our heads. the TRICK is how to bring your head & your heart TOGETHER, so you no longer need to struggle!! so this is how you do it: whenever you hear that voice, in your head, (just like Rori said)——— tell it “i hear you, but i want to feel whatever i’m feeling right now, and do what’s best for US.” try it and let me know how it goes:)

    i noticed that in ur first response, u used a lot of “him” & “his.” in ur second response, u used “I” & “my.” and that’s the way to DO IT. u r on the right track which is being CURIOUS to get to know urself. and the rest, will just follow.

    u also sound very hopeful. I’m not quite sure about ur situation with ur man, i don’t know who he is. but it does not matter. IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER who he is. whether he’s a good man or a bad man. what matters is u start getting out of your head, and into your heart & ur body. if u can do that, get pass this “finding ur feelings thing,” by then, i guarantee u, u would know whether u want to be with him or not.

    but for know, keep doing what u r doing that’s related to your heart & body, and leave him and the relationship out of the picture. i believe when u really focus, u will get amazing results.

    Tuesday, 17 February 2009 @ 10:02pm

  115. 115: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Self Esteem……
    First off…you have totally come to the right place girl!! I am glad that you are here. In response to your post….I am not currently in a relationship with a man who has a child BUT my X husband had 1 grown child and 2 others. I am not sure if I can help but I will do whatever I can. I know that there are women here who are indeed with men who have children and would have beeter insight than I do but I will try to help if I can. :-)
    –Cassandra

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 4:00pm

  116. 116: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    ABC….thank you! Your post gave me clarity on things that I have been feeling fuzzy about. I appreciate your input! I send you a huge hug.
    XOXO
    Cassandra

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 4:02pm

  117. 117: LinNo Gravatar says:

    self esteme.
    welcome . I have a child and I am dating a man who has 2 older children…. what is your question.
    Lin

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 8:40pm

  118. 118: self esteemNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra and Lin, thank you any advise will help. This is the first time being in a relationship with a guy who has a child. The child is five years old and the cutest sweetest little girl! At first into the relationship, now having five months together, I did not mind anything or nothing bothered me. I did not mind the fact that he has to keep contact with his ex and spend time with his daughter, but now i have felt…i guess you can call it jealous??? I have accepted the way he is and the fact that he comes with baggage but for some reason lately it bothers me when his ex calls him or texts him. MOST of the time it has to do with their daughter but sometimes she will text him little jokes here and there and they will kind of joke with each other and that seriously bothers me!!! I have even lately felt jealous when he gives his daughter affection or does things for her and takes her places. I dont know why it bothers me i should be happy he invites me to all the places he goes with his daughter because he wants us to bond, but yet there are times that i just get jealous. Is that normal??? I really want this relationship to work I love him and his little girl what can i do to STOP acting like this?? help!

    Sunday, 22 February 2009 @ 6:29pm

  119. 119: CarolineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    Can you give some examples of feeling messages? I’m having some difficulty.

    Thanks,
    Caroline

    Friday, 2 October 2009 @ 10:03am

  120. 120: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Caroline…Try the “Speeches” category here…and the ebook will help you actually start from the beginning and write these out for yourself to use everywhere…Love, Rori

    Friday, 2 October 2009 @ 10:19am

  121. 121: SheilaNo Gravatar says:

    I told my man who now lives in another state there for a year, that I feel ignored, now after reading the feeling message, I thinking that was not the right feeling word-ignored, he withdraw even more.

    Tuesday, 17 November 2009 @ 10:36pm

  122. 122: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sheila – good catch. “Ignored” – like “hurt” – implies that a man has done something wrong. It says that’ he’s DONE something to you….The way to go about this is to dig down further –how does being “ignored” make you feel? Could be lonely, distant, unheard, weird, uncomfortable, sad, angry, untouched. Try this on as a speech: “I feel bad when we don’t talk. Is there something I should know? I’m just a girl here, and I don’t feel good being in an exclusive relationship without affection and attention. What do you think?” But, basically – if a man is ignoring you – what signal is he sending you? That he’s not interested. Please stop being exclusive. Start flirting and Circular Dating. This is the best way to shift your ‘vibe.” Being with a man who is not fulfilling your basic needs for attention and affection is boring and silly and unnecessary.

    Monday, 23 November 2009 @ 5:05pm

  123. 123: AnnyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori, this is not really clear for me.. I mean if I say to the guy I like ‘I missed you when we didnt talk’, is a feeling message or something we should avoid saying. I feel like I cant say anything that comes up naturally and that I have to pretend I’ m all fine…even when I’m not..

    Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 4:51pm

  124. 124: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Anny – Welcome, and the words of Feeling Messages are meant to keep you from pretending ever, at all. The goal here is total authenticity – which means you have to discover how you actually feel, what you actually want – and then express that. Don’t try to pull words out of a hat or from a post here without understanding the whole method behind it – read everything! Love, Rori

    Friday, 26 February 2010 @ 10:54am

  125. 125: AnnyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori, yes I think I am starting to actually feel what I feel. It’s like I have been frozen for many years for fear of getting hurt by a man again. And what I meant in my previous comment was that when I’m in some kind of relationship with a man I feel like I have to pretend to be all fine, for him to like me. And instead of them liking me, they leave anyway because I come across too cold and ‘fake’….I feel scared to show to them who I really am because subconsciously I believe they wouldn’t love me for who I am, so I make up some kind of Weird Wonder Woman play, but I end up exactly with what I was afraid to start with..They leave.

    Friday, 26 February 2010 @ 4:50pm

  126. 126: Cameron FlansburgNo Gravatar says:

    Very good article, it opend my eyes, thanks!

    Monday, 29 November 2010 @ 6:03pm

  127. 127: LinaNo Gravatar says:

    WOW! Great analysis! Great advice. Thank you!

    Wednesday, 8 December 2010 @ 9:15am

  128. 128: Patience BallezaNo Gravatar says:

    My partner and I absolutely love your blog and find most of your post’s to be precisely what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content available for you? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome website!

    Friday, 14 January 2011 @ 6:41pm

  129. 129: evaNo Gravatar says:

    hi- new to this blog and have a few questions.
    I’m going to order the Modern Siren book but I’m kind of wondering if it will help in my situation. I was seeing a man for about 2 months and we ( he) ended it a few weeks ago. I seriously , seriously , seriously want him back but don’t know how to approach it.

    I have some specific questions to ask if someone can help

    Friday, 18 February 2011 @ 6:46pm

  130. 130: evaNo Gravatar says:

    also- when ordering the e-book- how does the purchase show up on one’s bill ( privacy concerns)?

    Friday, 18 February 2011 @ 6:48pm

  131. 131: baidu123No Gravatar says:

    This article is as intriguing as it is informative. I read through this information and couldnt find a thing wrong with it. I cant imagine anyone writing this article better.

    Thursday, 8 September 2011 @ 12:55am

  132. 132: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    I’m really confused with the mixed messages my husband is giving me…he says he’s been spooked by marriage, we’ve only been married 6 months…and so has been going out alot (without me) till all hours, not phoning or texting and has admitted he’s attracted to other women. He went on holiday to visit my friends – might I add – without me, but apparently while he was there discovered that he really loved me and wanted t make our marriage work..he said he had seen what my friends (who are a couple) have and it reminded him of us, and that people at work don;t have his best interests at heart and led him astray etc. I’ve felt completely disempowered by his actions..I said to him we needed to talk when he gets back and he agreed to meet up to go out for dinner to discuss things. However, I have no idea what to say because I cannot control his behaviour – when he goes out till 5am I just end up getting upset with him (a few times I’ve cried about it to him) and I’m the one always calling him everyday. I think it started when I got down about how I was being unappreciated at work and was talking to him all the time about it. I’ve realised though that I’ve just let him damage my self-esteem by doing this..The problem is i’m starting a new job soon, and I know if I start having issues in my new job I’ll want his support to talk about things. I have no idea what to say to him or what to do. I also feel so insecure about whether he’s cheated on me…God reading all of this has made me realise how low my confidence has gotten..I have no idea what to do..I don’t know to say to him when we do see each other.

    Tuesday, 15 November 2011 @ 3:47pm

  133. 133: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sophie – so sorry for your pain ..and if you could…I’d really suggest some private coaching here…you’re letting your fear get ahold of you – and you’re letting this man walk all over you…anger is not the answer, and neither is shutting down. If you’re very very young – that’s a different thing than if you’re in your 30′s – so I’d try any of the great coaches who post here, or Virginia Feingold Clark – http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com or Jonathan Aslay – http://www.understandmennow.com. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 16 November 2011 @ 8:28am

  134. 134: PatriciaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori , I was married to my husband for 29 yrs and he loved me like there was no tomorrow he treated me like his queen for the whole time we married . We flirted with each other up until the last week we were together . He past away 22 months ago . And about 4 months ago I started to date and currently with this man but he says that we are just friends with benefits . And he tells that he likes me and we have a good time when we are together but we do not date and we are not going to date . I really don’t know what to do bc we have such a strong chemistry . He says that he is not ready for a commitment or to trust anyone one . I don’t get it am not wanting to get married to him . I would like to b ale to spend more time together and go places together . I don’t know what I am doing wrong . I let know how wonderful he is and I always thank him when he does something nice for me . I treat him like I did my husband but it does help with him . But everything I did for my husband and he always told how much he appreciated me for everything I did for him and I think that is why he treated me so good . Other men that. I meet always flirt with me and I flirt back and I have no problem attracting other men . But just can’t seem to get is attention .

    Saturday, 7 January 2012 @ 9:58pm

  135. 135: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Patricia – so sorry for your loss – and what you’re looking for is a man like your husband. Any man who isn’t treating you this great way – FIRST – get my ebook and change anything you may be doing that’s overfunctioning or an old habit that was unique to your marriage but won’t work with any other man. Be willing to change your style of talking and doing and being – and then, if a man still isn’t treating you the way your husband did – dump him. You deserve the best. WE ALL do! Love, Rori

    Sunday, 8 January 2012 @ 10:45am

  136. 136: annaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I am a 36 year old woman.I have been with a guy for a year now, between ups and downs. He left the woman he was with, to be with me. We have been living together since June 2011 as we got engaged and supposed to marry next May 2012.
    We argue a lot, I am jealous because he makes me feel I am not THAT important. he thinks only to work and he rarely takes me out. He thinks about himself a lot.
    What happened, I broke up with him few days ago and asked him to leave the house soon, and… do you know what?, when he thought that we were not together officially anymore he transformed himself in the sweetest and most in love guy I have ever met, caring and nice but as soon as we SAID that we were back together (officially), STRAIGHT AWAY he became distant and upset with the whole world , and me, again.
    It is the second time this happened so now I am really noticing this weird beahviour of him. Rori, is my only chance to feel loved , to make believe this guy that we are not properly together, but just living in the same house and making love when he comes looking for me???

    Tuesday, 17 January 2012 @ 7:03am

  137. 137: teresa stoutNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,

    I have been listening to your cds for (9) months now, I would like to tell you my story
    but not sure where to send it, dont want it posted
    publically at this time, thank you…Teresa

    Sunday, 26 February 2012 @ 7:29pm

  138. 138: SabyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello! I’m italian and i don’t speak english so good, but still enough to read the ebook from Rori. I want personally thank Rori because i applied all the rules and followed all the guidelines she gave to me and…..the miracle arrived! I think that when we are ready to understand what she says, it simply work, and it is fantastic! I realised how much i have to thank my previous boyfriends and most of all those who made me suffer a lot. We do always complain about men because they seems not to know how love, but the truth is that we have no love to give because we don’t love ourselfs. We spend entire days crying and waiting, we loose time instead of thinking about us and just feel that we have power. The power to take care about us. We aren’t able to be surprised by life and wait not for a man call but for a life gift!
    Circular dating is great: a real therapy to take care about ourselfs and the meditation too! I wrote a lot of feeling messages and there’s no one man that didn’t answer me in a very positive way! Now I’m in love and it’s so good! I feel grateful to life and i simply enjoy without thinking about tomorrow

    Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:58am

  139. 139: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Saby – Welcome – and I’m so happy for you! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:34am

  140. 140: SheriNo Gravatar says:

    OMG: I read this original article and studied it. I applied it last night after giving it and my situation a lot of thought. I was very careful with the wording so I kept it about how I feel and refrained from insulting him.

    I sent him an email w/ a feeling message in it yesterday afternoon.

    He wrote two emails back apologizing.
    The first said he was in a seminar and he’d write more later. The second was later that night and he sincerely apologized and asked me not to be mad at him.

    This was about him asking me out and then not following up w/ any plans for over a week (3rd date).

    I need to respond now, but I will give it some thought first so I can make the best of it.

    After reading a million articles on this topic, Rori’s advice was very helpful and also is helping me grow personally regardless of what the guy does.

    Sheri

    Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 11:50am

  141. 141: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sheri, Welcome! (I deleted your last name for your privacy – so from now on just use Sheri…Love, Rori

    Monday, 9 July 2012 @ 4:33pm

  142. 142: SweetieNo Gravatar says:

    I have been thru all of this with him, my thing is he is still trying to be with me. Yes he has cheated on me, he has so called friends which I think are more than friends. I don’t no how to feel anymore. I want to believe him,but how do you believe a man who tells you he has cheated. I guess I just don’t no how to forgive him. How do I forgive and move on? I know this is an old conversation, but I want a better relationship regardless of who I’m with.

    Tuesday, 24 July 2012 @ 10:08pm

  143. 143: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetie – go visit Dr. Sheri Meyers – this is her specialty: http://www.chatingorcheating.com – get her book, it’ll help you know exactly what to do about this man – for me, if I were uncomfortable with a man, and not able to fully surrender to myself around him because I felt suspicious or weird – I’d just end it and move on. …Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 25 July 2012 @ 1:18pm

  144. 144: Borna10No Gravatar says:

    It feels good to have MattM here-sounds like a guy who cares about communicating and having a relationship. I know of two other guys like that-both happen to be married. I like to understand what the guy is hearing from a phrase as opposed to what a woman hears with the same phrase. It helps me to communicate much better as MattM says and the guy at work says the same thing. I asked the guy i love if he would he had a choice to go bowling with me or these 2 girls at work would he choose them over me. The guy friend at work explained that what my guy was probably thinking was ‘do you mean going bowling itself in general or going bowling with them versus going with you to do something else etc… As a woman i was wanting to know if he would choose to go wherever with them or with me. The girl that invited him knows me and i consider her a work friend and she works on the side of the building with him and some other friends of mine(all the same company) and she has asked him several times and when she sees me in cafeteria or wherever and we talk she has never invited me or even mentioned to me. That is why i asked him. But anyway i am trying to use Rori’s tips with my guy because he is not a communicator at all! So using what Rori is saying and taking info from MattM along with my other 2 male friends that are happily married -I feel will help me a lot. All the Royal Sirens-my sisters-on this blog-thank you for you stories because they ALL help me out tremendously!!!!!

    Wednesday, 25 July 2012 @ 5:26pm

  145. 145: kayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi I met a guy four years ago and we were great friends, emailing and texting regularly and meeting if we visited each others town. One night as we were saying goodbye he gave me a deep passionate kiss that blew me away, and followed up with a text message saying he would have loved to have spent the night with me. That was a year ago. We have continued to text and call sporadically. Last time I was visiting his town we had agreed to meet for dinner. He sent a text the day before saying he was too busy to meet. I told him I was really disappointed. Frequently now he doesnt respond to my texts, sometimes four in a row. Other times he sends me very flirtatious, suggestive texts. Do i ask him outright, or just move on?

    Sunday, 16 September 2012 @ 5:04pm

  146. 146: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    I was wondering if you could help me.
    I am having a mid life crisis at the age of 37!
    I have fallen out of love with my husband for about a year. Things have been awful for years, he treated me badly, ignoring me for days, then rude to me and others, shouting and being angry, verbally aggressive, intimidating and judgemental.
    I finally plucked up the guts to tell him I hated the way it made me feel. I have aleays had trouble expressing myslef honestly being a people pleaser due to an abusvie childhood.
    However by the time i did that in October I had already met up with an old school friend whom ive been in touch with for years who sent me head over heels in love.
    He admitted hed loved me since school and to me, seems everything my husband wasn’t and hadn’t been, kind, caring,funny, attentive, loving, friendly and we have been emailing daily since then.
    We haven’t done anything physically as i couldnt until ive made a descion about my relationship with myy husband forst, no matter how easy it would be to go for this other man.
    We don’t see each other (lives too far away but he said he would move to live with me if I ended my marriage). He has already ended his relationship for me.
    I have extremely strong feelings for this other man but feel so guilty and sick about ruining everything within my family for my children (ages 3,6,7)
    I eventually couldn’t take any more and told my husband I didn’t love him anymore about 8 weeks ago.
    My husband was utterly devasted and since then has been trying all the wooing trickes in the book to get me back. Foot massages, love letters, wining and dining me, getting a cleaner, the list goes on.
    This has made me feel even worse when I can see he realises at last what he would do for his family and me.

    What I’m having trouble is forgiving him for all the previous 13 years of meanness and “darkness” in our realtionship and ignoring my feelings for this other man, who isn’t the father of my children but I have a very deep connection with.

    Can I fall back in love with my husband like I feel I should for the sake of my children? He has shown me what he is capable of the last few weeks, and has mostly been a loving father, the kids certainly adore him, but I am just not feeling it back. I haven’t told him about my friend.

    I am lost! I have been to psychologists, therapists, alternate health specialists and am still none the wiser. Any advice would be very helpful thank you.

    Please help me Rori.

    Kind regards, Ruth.

    Monday, 18 March 2013 @ 11:39pm

  147. 147: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – Welcome, and I would love to coach you. There’s something simple here that it seems no one else has touched with you – and that is this: If your husband turned around after you simply told him you didn’t love him anymore and was considering leaving him – if that’s all it took – then what are you doing being mad at HIM for all these wasted years? You aren’t.

    The person you’re mad at is YOU – for tolerating all that crap when you now see you didn’t need to. Your husband treated you the way he did because…he did. It could have been the pattern of both your lives that brought you together, his own fears and your own ways of loving him and not loving him that caused all the ickyness.

    NOW – you can’t believe this turnaround of his if for real – and it may not be. But it’s confusing, because it sort of upends everything you thought about him and your marriage all these years. – I’m turning this whole answer and your question into a post….Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 19 March 2013 @ 10:11am

  148. 148: annaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi RUTH. You are now getting what you wanted from your husband. I would leave it like that. I would let him Like”walking on eggshells”, for ever.
    He does not need to know he has got you BACK, otherwise he would start again treating you crap. Because he would take you for granted like usual.
    If he is behaving better this way (being scared of losing you), I just would stay with him ( you have 3 kids with him) and I would enjoy the foot massages and the love letters. ;)

    Wednesday, 20 March 2013 @ 6:34am

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