Here’s a note from “Irene” – who’s just discovering how powerful it is to tell the truth to a man:
“Rori, I was trying to figure out how to say “I want to see you more” and “I want you to want to see me more” without saying exactly that, so here’s what I did…
It took a 30 minute phone call and a bit of joking and teasing on my part to get him to say he wanted to see me for drinks and conversation, so we got together.
After the pleasantries were exchanged and I was feeling confident and relaxed (and took a HUGE deep breath), I said “You know, I’d really like to be able to tell you that I want to see you, but when I think about saying something like that, it makes me feel like I’m being pushy and I don’t like how that makes me feel. I would really enjoy hearing you say that you want to see me.”
And he responded with “So you’re saying that you want me to be more honest with you and take the lead and just tell you when I want to see you?” …
…and I responded with “Yes, I would really feel better about everything if you were to do that for me” …
…and he responded with “Well, I can do that as that’s easy enough.”
I was so scared to have this conversation and was incredibly pleased with the way it went. I was authentic and honest and open and told him how I felt and he was more than receptive and understanding! Thank you for the coaching on this point!
Understanding how to communicate with men so they “get it” is actually amazingly easy! And it’s actually opened lines of communication between us that I never thought were possible! He told me later on in the evening that the more time he spends with me the more he wants to spend with me, so obviously, he felt safe enough to communicate his feelings too!
Again, a million thanks to everyone for the advice and insight. I hope my comments will help someone else too!!
p.s. The “leaning back” is priceless! When I understoond that leaning forward is seen as an aggressive move to a man, when I get the urge to lean forward to make a point in the conversation, I conciously try to remember to lean back. I still say what I was going to say, but with body language that’s non-threatening.
It’s amazing how powerful such a subtle move is, but wow… the results were priceless!
The first time I tried this, within just a few minutes, he was standing behind me and wanting to give me a hug! All because I was non-threatening when talking about something important to me!!”
The big, huge thing here is the difference between the first part of this letter, where: “It took a 30 minute phone call and a bit of joking and teasing on my part to get him to say he wanted to see me for drinks and conversation, so we got together,” and the last part, where Irene tells the truth.
The first part is all strategy, machination, passive aggressive, games, and trying to GET a man to DO something you want him to do.
The second part has no agenda at all – and as a result – HE askes Irene what she wants him to do! She didn’t ask him up front – HE asked HER for clarification and direction.
This is a subtle thing – and I really thought Irene’s experience is incredibly helpful and very specific.