Comments on: Instantly Change a Bad Moment into an Intimate Moment http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:37:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=6279 By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-19692 Rori Raye Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:58:31 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-19692 Staci, Welcome...and I'm so sorry you feel you have to be so careful...and I know it's because of the scarcity of physical contact...texts become important. Honesty becomes really, really important, here, because otherwise the difficult relationship gets even more superficial. How about, for texting, simple things, like "Ouch." Or "Ick." Or..."Ouch. I'm just a girl here...that doesn't feel good." You can use those little speeches over and over and over again, and then he'll know where you're at. Maybe they'll get deeper discussions going you can continue by phone (DON'T do deep discussions by text. Stay short and to the point and feeling message-y). I hope you decide against an exclusive relationship with a man who is rarely with you. It might be a brilliant non-exclusive relationship - and perhaps he'd be fine with that. Otherwise, you should be traveling with him to give him exclusive claim to you - married, engaged...or if you're very young...just having a wonderful time...Love, Rori Staci, Welcome…and I’m so sorry you feel you have to be so careful…and I know it’s because of the scarcity of physical contact…texts become important. Honesty becomes really, really important, here, because otherwise the difficult relationship gets even more superficial. How about, for texting, simple things, like “Ouch.” Or “Ick.” Or…”Ouch. I’m just a girl here…that doesn’t feel good.” You can use those little speeches over and over and over again, and then he’ll know where you’re at. Maybe they’ll get deeper discussions going you can continue by phone (DON’T do deep discussions by text. Stay short and to the point and feeling message-y). I hope you decide against an exclusive relationship with a man who is rarely with you. It might be a brilliant non-exclusive relationship – and perhaps he’d be fine with that. Otherwise, you should be traveling with him to give him exclusive claim to you – married, engaged…or if you’re very young…just having a wonderful time…Love, Rori

]]> By: Staci http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-19687 Staci Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:22:24 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-19687 Hi Rori, Im new. Im in a relationship with a very sucessful man with offices all over the world so he is often traveling. Much of our conversation is via text. Ive taken a step back from him for many reasons, including the time and distance apart. Truth is that I have strong love for him and may decide to accept the time and distance away. Im still deciding. Im having problems with the feeling messages. They seem awkward, especially by text. For example, we made dinner plans for his arrival in a week and after some exchanges regarding my new found strenght in my carreer (with his advise). He joked and "I just dont like you anymore" Im sure he was being sarcastic and witty but it doesnt look nice in writing. I sat with it for a bit to see how I felt and it still hurt. I tried to use a feeling message, like, "That felt bad" but Im confused that it is blaming his action for my feelings. So, I went with the, "Not nice :-(" . Im sure this was an "attack" now that I look back. How do I say what it was that made me feel without blaming or attacking.... Hi Rori,

Im new. Im in a relationship with a very sucessful man with offices all over the world so he is often traveling. Much of our conversation is via text. Ive taken a step back from him for many reasons, including the time and distance apart. Truth is that I have strong love for him and may decide to accept the time and distance away. Im still deciding. Im having problems with the feeling messages. They seem awkward, especially by text. For example, we made dinner plans for his arrival in a week and after some exchanges regarding my new found strenght in my carreer (with his advise). He joked and “I just dont like you anymore” Im sure he was being sarcastic and witty but it doesnt look nice in writing. I sat with it for a bit to see how I felt and it still hurt. I tried to use a feeling message, like, “That felt bad” but Im confused that it is blaming his action for my feelings. So, I went with the, “Not nice :-( ” . Im sure this was an “attack” now that I look back. How do I say what it was that made me feel without blaming or attacking….

]]> By: Pooja http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-13342 Pooja Fri, 24 Jul 2009 05:19:13 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-13342 Okay, here is my confusing situation: The guy I like is going thru a really bad time right now. He doesn't have a job and because he's not a citizen, it's so much harder for him to find something.. and if he doesn't find something soon, he will have to leave the country before being able to finish his masters degree (just one year left). I feel so incredibly bad for him. I've done so much to help him and he really appreciates that and I think we both really like each other.. but at one point he told me he couldn't pursue anything because of his uncertain situation. I totally understood that. So, while I continue to talk to other people, I still talk to him and I hope things would work out one day. Anyways, on to the recent situation. I asked him if he had plans for the weekend. He said 'haha nice joke'.. then he said 'you really don't get it do you? you act as if i'm a normal person. what can i do if i don't have a penny in my pocket?' I told him that there are things to do which don't cost money. He asked 'like what?' and I said he could just go around with friends, not necessarily spending any money. He said 'what else do you think I do? that's all we ever do.. it's not fun anymore.. and hardly a plan... your optimism is just too much at times, really.' That just hurt me sooo much. I told him that I have no way of knowing what he does because he's never told me and if I'm trying to help him I don't appreciate him blaming me for that just because I don't know something about his life. I told him that that doesn't make me feel good. He then said "blaming you... ok fine, i won't say anything to you. sorry to bother you." and then he signed off (this was in chat... which I've found is the perfect tool if you want to create a misunderstanding! =P). I called him but he didn't answer.. so I left a message and told him that maybe I shouldn't have used the word 'blame' but that when he said what he said, I felt criticized and if he didn't mean it that way, then great, but nonetheless that's how it was interpreted. I further added that because it's in chat, I guess we both misunderstood each other. I asked him to call me back or come online so we can talk about it. He didn't respond. So I texted him and told him I wanted to talk to him about this and resolve it because it's not fun to feel like this... no response. It's been like 2 hrs now =P I just don't know what to do. My mom tells me I shouldn't do anything now because I've already done enough and it's his turn. I know this is true and I read similar things in this blog but I just don't know how to fix things. Maybe he will get over it and come back and apologise which would be great but if tomorrow goes by and I don't hear from him then I don't know what to do... I just don't want him to think that whatever the misunderstanding was is actually reality. I'm probably overreacting for nothing and maybe by the time anyone reads this he will have patched up with me. But, I need to know how to handle this sort of situation. It's sooo confusing and I really don't know how to avoid these things happening.. it seems like we always have misunderstandings so I think something is going on in our communication. Any suggestions?? Thanks, *Pooja* Okay, here is my confusing situation:

The guy I like is going thru a really bad time right now. He doesn’t have a job and because he’s not a citizen, it’s so much harder for him to find something.. and if he doesn’t find something soon, he will have to leave the country before being able to finish his masters degree (just one year left). I feel so incredibly bad for him. I’ve done so much to help him and he really appreciates that and I think we both really like each other.. but at one point he told me he couldn’t pursue anything because of his uncertain situation. I totally understood that. So, while I continue to talk to other people, I still talk to him and I hope things would work out one day.

Anyways, on to the recent situation. I asked him if he had plans for the weekend. He said ‘haha nice joke’.. then he said ‘you really don’t get it do you? you act as if i’m a normal person. what can i do if i don’t have a penny in my pocket?’ I told him that there are things to do which don’t cost money. He asked ‘like what?’ and I said he could just go around with friends, not necessarily spending any money. He said ‘what else do you think I do? that’s all we ever do.. it’s not fun anymore.. and hardly a plan… your optimism is just too much at times, really.’ That just hurt me sooo much. I told him that I have no way of knowing what he does because he’s never told me and if I’m trying to help him I don’t appreciate him blaming me for that just because I don’t know something about his life. I told him that that doesn’t make me feel good. He then said “blaming you… ok fine, i won’t say anything to you. sorry to bother you.” and then he signed off (this was in chat… which I’ve found is the perfect tool if you want to create a misunderstanding! =P).

I called him but he didn’t answer.. so I left a message and told him that maybe I shouldn’t have used the word ‘blame’ but that when he said what he said, I felt criticized and if he didn’t mean it that way, then great, but nonetheless that’s how it was interpreted. I further added that because it’s in chat, I guess we both misunderstood each other. I asked him to call me back or come online so we can talk about it. He didn’t respond. So I texted him and told him I wanted to talk to him about this and resolve it because it’s not fun to feel like this… no response. It’s been like 2 hrs now =P

I just don’t know what to do. My mom tells me I shouldn’t do anything now because I’ve already done enough and it’s his turn. I know this is true and I read similar things in this blog but I just don’t know how to fix things. Maybe he will get over it and come back and apologise which would be great but if tomorrow goes by and I don’t hear from him then I don’t know what to do… I just don’t want him to think that whatever the misunderstanding was is actually reality.

I’m probably overreacting for nothing and maybe by the time anyone reads this he will have patched up with me. But, I need to know how to handle this sort of situation. It’s sooo confusing and I really don’t know how to avoid these things happening.. it seems like we always have misunderstandings so I think something is going on in our communication. Any suggestions??

Thanks,

*Pooja*

]]> By: Tara http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-12295 Tara Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:26:52 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-12295 Hello- I still have very strong feelings for my ex. He says that if we are friends first that we can "build something stronger". He also says that we should "be friends...and see what happens..let life happen how it happens, and stop forcing things to happen..." It bothers me that he then told me about some sexual mishap that he had recently with some random girl... Yuck! I told him that I wasn't comfortable with hearing about that, and he said "well, we're "friends" right?, I have nothing to hide from you..." Plus, there is no physical touching, no hugs or kissing, etc. No "it's nice to see you"-nothing. I feel like he's keeping me on the "backburner" or "just in case" something or someone else doesn't work out. I know i deserve better, and why do I want HIM? My friends tell me I should move on, but I still love him. Help!!! He doesn't seem to "care' how i feel, about anything. If I say "I like this song " aboutthe songs that are on the radio, he says "I hate that song" , but then I will hear him say to his mom or niece that the particular song "isn't too bad...as long as its not played out.." so it's only with ME!! I try to listen to him and respond to his problems and fears. I even often to help out. But I have recently stopped doing that..I tell him how I feel, but it doesn't seem to matter. I tell him that I don't like how he talks to me or whatever..And he just says "stop "allowing" yourself to get hurt.." What the heck does that mean??? Please help! Hello- I still have very strong feelings for my ex. He says that if we are friends first that we can “build something stronger”. He also says that we should “be friends…and see what happens..let life happen how it happens, and stop forcing things to happen…”
It bothers me that he then told me about some sexual mishap that he had recently with some random girl…
Yuck! I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with hearing about that, and he said “well, we’re “friends” right?, I have nothing to hide from you…”
Plus, there is no physical touching, no hugs or kissing, etc. No “it’s nice to see you”-nothing. I feel like he’s keeping me on the “backburner” or “just in case” something or someone else doesn’t work out.
I know i deserve better, and why do I want HIM?
My friends tell me I should move on, but I still love him.
Help!!!
He doesn’t seem to “care’ how i feel, about anything. If I say “I like this song ” aboutthe songs that are on the radio, he says “I hate that song” , but then I will hear him say to his mom or niece that the particular song “isn’t too bad…as long as its not played out..”
so it’s only with ME!!
I try to listen to him and respond to his problems and fears. I even often to help out. But I have recently stopped doing that..I tell him how I feel, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I tell him that I don’t like how he talks to me or whatever..And he just says “stop “allowing” yourself to get hurt..”
What the heck does that mean???
Please help!

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10736 Cassandra Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:10:09 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10736 HI Callista......I am so sorry that you are in such an awful feeling position and that the man that is in your life is so needy! I feel sad about that for you....I am in a similar position with the man that i was supposed to marry and that I currently live with....Charles. I think that you and I were talking about Dinner Boy which is someone that I have talked to on the phone and had 1 dinner with and then lunch yesterday. I am trying to circular date - in a way but he is the only man that I have spent time with other than Charles and I don't know anyone else here so I guess it really is not circular dating. I was trying top get my vibe/ focus OFF of Charles and so did go to dinner and had lunch yesterday with dinner boy...that moniker makes me giggle.....anyway but that is it. At 1 point I was talking to a pastor that turned out to be nuts but that has been it. I so want to get my focus off of Charles and do rori's tools and so that was why i have been trying to practice with dinner boy. That was all.....I am defintiely NOT in any sort of relationship with him at all....we have just talked on the phone and seen one another 2 times. I DO know what you mean though about the mental gymnastics as I have to do them every single day with Charles...I never know what to expect with him and that is where those awful eggshells come from soI can relate to that! I am so trying to BUILD my esteem and strengthen all of that not go the other way so thank you so much for your input and I will be praying that your situation continues to get better and better and that you will find that place where you feel good about you all the time! that is what I am trying to do as well so we can try to help each other! Thanks Callista!! hugs to you! HI Callista……I am so sorry that you are in such an awful feeling position and that the man that is in your life is so needy! I feel sad about that for you….I am in a similar position with the man that i was supposed to marry and that I currently live with….Charles. I think that you and I were talking about Dinner Boy which is someone that I have talked to on the phone and had 1 dinner with and then lunch yesterday. I am trying to circular date – in a way but he is the only man that I have spent time with other than Charles and I don’t know anyone else here so I guess it really is not circular dating. I was trying top get my vibe/ focus OFF of Charles and so did go to dinner and had lunch yesterday with dinner boy…that moniker makes me giggle…..anyway but that is it. At 1 point I was talking to a pastor that turned out to be nuts but that has been it. I so want to get my focus off of Charles and do rori’s tools and so that was why i have been trying to practice with dinner boy. That was all…..I am defintiely NOT in any sort of relationship with him at all….we have just talked on the phone and seen one another 2 times. I DO know what you mean though about the mental gymnastics as I have to do them every single day with Charles…I never know what to expect with him and that is where those awful eggshells come from soI can relate to that! I am so trying to BUILD my esteem and strengthen all of that not go the other way so thank you so much for your input and I will be praying that your situation continues to get better and better and that you will find that place where you feel good about you all the time! that is what I am trying to do as well so we can try to help each other! Thanks Callista!! hugs to you!

]]> By: Callista http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10721 Callista Wed, 10 Jun 2009 16:28:33 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10721 Cassandra, Thanks for your post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit I have not graduated from my toxic situation yet. I can just see your situation turning into mine and I'm cautioning you to get out now before it's too late, which is where I'm stuck now. I'm still going through my journey of discovery, and what I shared was a recent revelation of mine. I can't answer the question of why I'm still here other than the opportunity for practicing feeling messages/other tools/standing up for myself and that he "needs" me. But I'm telling you I don't think that's a good enough reason to stay, and I think when we do that, it's like we're punishing ourselves if it doesn't feel good. I have checked out of the relationship emotionally and I just feel sort of obligated to stick it out for some reason I can't explain, as long as he isn't hurting me anymore. So, it doesn't feel wonderful, it just feels neutral. It's a long distance thing so most of the time it feels like I'm not even in a relationship anyway, and I'm completely happy and content by myself. Anyway, sorry I gave you the wrong idea... I'm not as strong as you think, but I wanted to save you from a similar fate as mine. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave and a man like that will make you do mental gymnastics that you don't have a chance against. You'll end up confused and unsure of yourself most of the time and your self esteem will go down. I don't want that for you. But, do what you think is right and stay as long as it feels good. Callista Cassandra,
Thanks for your post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit I have not graduated from my toxic situation yet. I can just see your situation turning into mine and I’m cautioning you to get out now before it’s too late, which is where I’m stuck now. I’m still going through my journey of discovery, and what I shared was a recent revelation of mine. I can’t answer the question of why I’m still here other than the opportunity for practicing feeling messages/other tools/standing up for myself and that he “needs” me. But I’m telling you I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to stay, and I think when we do that, it’s like we’re punishing ourselves if it doesn’t feel good. I have checked out of the relationship emotionally and I just feel sort of obligated to stick it out for some reason I can’t explain, as long as he isn’t hurting me anymore. So, it doesn’t feel wonderful, it just feels neutral. It’s a long distance thing so most of the time it feels like I’m not even in a relationship anyway, and I’m completely happy and content by myself. Anyway, sorry I gave you the wrong idea… I’m not as strong as you think, but I wanted to save you from a similar fate as mine. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave and a man like that will make you do mental gymnastics that you don’t have a chance against. You’ll end up confused and unsure of yourself most of the time and your self esteem will go down. I don’t want that for you. But, do what you think is right and stay as long as it feels good.
Callista

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10718 Cassandra Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:51:13 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10718 Hi Callista...I loved your post and I thought about exactly what you are saying a few days ago. Dinner boy and I do have some nice conversations at times but it has only been lately that there has been such intense pressure to 'come over'. Not al of our conversations trigger me....I guess it is just most of them lately since he 'needs me so much'! LOL I am kidding of course but I can definitely see what you are saying. The conversations that dont' feel good are the ones tht are pressure filled and needy/ controlling the other ones are actually pretty nice although the nice ones do seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I was using this situation in a circular dating way so get my focus OFF of Charles and what is going on here at home and also to practice the tools so I guess I saw this as a perfect opportunity. I can definitely see what you are saying though about the parts that don't feel good. I must say thought that I do feel proud of alot of the things that I have done with this situation! I have never walked away from anything like I did yesterday after that phone call about lunch and that did feel really great. I was however totally shocked that not only did he call back but then he made arrangements for us to have lunch somewhere OUT. I really do feel good about that and am really trying to stand strong on how I feel, what I am and am not comfortable with and what I will and will not do, etc. Part of me does feel that even though some of this experience does not feel good I do feel that I am moving forward in a big way with learning to stand up for myself...say NO.....and use those feelings messages and now even walk away if I don't feel ok. You are right though in that I don't owe it to anyone to stick around and I defintely know that the time is coming where I will walk away and stay away because I don't feel good about talking with him or spending any time at all with him- the funny thing there is that usually when I expect something like that - the time when it will be time to stay away - things don't ususally play out how you expect so I am trying to just focus totally on the tools and learning to use them. With what I am dealing with Ican't even imagine how it would feel to be with a Mr. Doesn't Trigger Me At All and it feels awful to acknowledge that. I have no clue what that would even feel like at this point. I think that it just hit me how deeply this situation is really affecting me! I am walking on such a HUGE bed of eggshells so as not to disturb any peace that there is here at home that I am twisting myself into a pretzel to do so and that feels horrible! I so desperately want to graduate from ALL of this and get to where I want to be within myself and in my life! Thank you so much foryour insight and you are so right! I feel SO glad that you graduated from that!! Hi Callista…I loved your post and I thought about exactly what you are saying a few days ago. Dinner boy and I do have some nice conversations at times but it has only been lately that there has been such intense pressure to ‘come over’. Not al of our conversations trigger me….I guess it is just most of them lately since he ‘needs me so much’! LOL I am kidding of course but I can definitely see what you are saying. The conversations that dont’ feel good are the ones tht are pressure filled and needy/ controlling the other ones are actually pretty nice although the nice ones do seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I was using this situation in a circular dating way so get my focus OFF of Charles and what is going on here at home and also to practice the tools so I guess I saw this as a perfect opportunity. I can definitely see what you are saying though about the parts that don’t feel good. I must say thought that I do feel proud of alot of the things that I have done with this situation! I have never walked away from anything like I did yesterday after that phone call about lunch and that did feel really great. I was however totally shocked that not only did he call back but then he made arrangements for us to have lunch somewhere OUT. I really do feel good about that and am really trying to stand strong on how I feel, what I am and am not comfortable with and what I will and will not do, etc. Part of me does feel that even though some of this experience does not feel good I do feel that I am moving forward in a big way with learning to stand up for myself…say NO…..and use those feelings messages and now even walk away if I don’t feel ok. You are right though in that I don’t owe it to anyone to stick around and I defintely know that the time is coming where I will walk away and stay away because I don’t feel good about talking with him or spending any time at all with him- the funny thing there is that usually when I expect something like that – the time when it will be time to stay away – things don’t ususally play out how you expect so I am trying to just focus totally on the tools and learning to use them. With what I am dealing with Ican’t even imagine how it would feel to be with a Mr. Doesn’t Trigger Me At All and it feels awful to acknowledge that. I have no clue what that would even feel like at this point. I think that it just hit me how deeply this situation is really affecting me! I am walking on such a HUGE bed of eggshells so as not to disturb any peace that there is here at home that I am twisting myself into a pretzel to do so and that feels horrible! I so desperately want to graduate from ALL of this and get to where I want to be within myself and in my life! Thank you so much foryour insight and you are so right! I feel SO glad that you graduated from that!!

]]> By: Callista http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10716 Callista Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:28:00 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10716 Cassandra, Just a quick note... I totally "get" that you want to keep him around to practice because he triggers you. I was in the same mode for a long time. Then one day, I woke up, and was like, "Why? Why am I doing this to myself?" I realized that I had been having this sense that I needed to stick around FOR MYSELF, to teach myself some sort of lesson, to practice, to be able to one day leave the relationship knowing I had done everything "right" from my end. Then it hit me - I don't owe it to anyone - including myself - to stick around a bad situation. What I owe myself is to treat MYSELF kindly first, instead of worrying about treating anyone else kindly at my expense. In other words, if he's triggering you, YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT. You need to remember the part of Rori's teachings that say "...and it FEELS GOOD." If it doesn't feel good, drop him like a hot potato and make way for someone who does make you feel good. Great, you got triggered, you used feeling messages, you learned, now you get to GRADUATE from this guy and his triggers (before it's too late and you get sucked in!!!) and move on to Mr. Doesn't Trigger Me At All. Congratulations! Callista Cassandra,
Just a quick note… I totally “get” that you want to keep him around to practice because he triggers you. I was in the same mode for a long time. Then one day, I woke up, and was like, “Why? Why am I doing this to myself?” I realized that I had been having this sense that I needed to stick around FOR MYSELF, to teach myself some sort of lesson, to practice, to be able to one day leave the relationship knowing I had done everything “right” from my end. Then it hit me – I don’t owe it to anyone – including myself – to stick around a bad situation. What I owe myself is to treat MYSELF kindly first, instead of worrying about treating anyone else kindly at my expense. In other words, if he’s triggering you, YOU DON’T NEED TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT. You need to remember the part of Rori’s teachings that say “…and it FEELS GOOD.” If it doesn’t feel good, drop him like a hot potato and make way for someone who does make you feel good. Great, you got triggered, you used feeling messages, you learned, now you get to GRADUATE from this guy and his triggers (before it’s too late and you get sucked in!!!) and move on to Mr. Doesn’t Trigger Me At All. Congratulations!
Callista

]]> By: Cassandra http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10715 Cassandra Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:02:25 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10715 I FEEL SO ANGRY! I HAD A POST ALMOST READY TO POST AND I HIT SOME WRONG KEY AND THE WHOLE THINGS DISAPPEARED!! GRRRRRR!! I qwill try to remember what exactly I had said cuz that is what was on my heart at that moment! GRRRRRRRR! Mercedes......your post meant so so much to me! Thank you. It really meant alot to me to hear you say that you felt proud of me because I feel so much admiration for you and so so want to be at the point that you are in- in your own journey so thatnk you for that. You ahve worked so hard and the results are so clear and I want to be there with you! I do actually feel proud of myself as well and that does feel really great. I loved what you said about me perhaps now trying to focus more on the standing up for myself instead of the feeling messages and I could not agree more. One thing though that I am noticing... the more that I am immersed in using my feeling messages the more that I am noticing that I am not always AWARE of EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling. I get the main emotions.....happy, sad,angry, fear...all of those but the more detailed emotions beyond those bigger ones I seem to have trouble pin pointing what it is that I am feeling.....exactly. I do feel that I have become pretty good at feeling messages overall but I now have to figure out how to know EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling in any given moment beyond those 'standard' emotions so that I can communicate that exact feeling. You are so right though about standing up for myself and I feel that whenever I talk to dinner boy. I definitely want to keep him around and not hang up the phone though because he is like the perfect situation for me to practice in/ with. WOW...that sounds really horrible of me and I don't like how that feels....I feel like I am using him in a way and I don't mean anything mean by it at all but his mannerisms and character and communication style for me are so so so triggering and so this really is perfect practice for me. On a personal level though I do enjoy SOME of our conversations but he does trigger me....alot with what I had percieved to be control but I am now questioning if it is not really control but neediness! I have noticed that most conversations are either about him or what he wants to talk about and when we get to me, what I am feeling, wanting, needing, or even doing I can feel him tune out or drift off in a way and that feels icky to me. I told him that though in a feeling message and he said that he did not realize that and would try to be more aware of that. His response surprised me in a way but the fact is is that he is on a mission to get what he wants so of course he would respond with a positive response! I love your passion Mercedes! I had to giggle when you were talking about coming here to throw a little Mercedes in his face! I loved that and it felt good to hear that and it made me feel protected which felt good. I want to get to where I feel protected my ME though and that is what I am trying to work with - with him. He is most definitely all about him and what he wants, needs etc that is quite clear and the more that we talk the more that I am wondering if it is even worth practicing with him. I feel like he is kind of getting on my nerves just like JNB said she dealt with in that guyu she talked about. The other thing that I have noticed with him though is that he always talks about me coming over to his place but not about taking me to dinner, a picnic in the park, a walk...whatever....it is ALWAYS about me coming over there which I am simply NOT going to do. I see what he is doing and I am not putting myself in that situation. That feels good. Charles.....I totally get what you said about not doing for him anymore and you are right but I do feel afriad that if I don't do the things that I am doing that he will kick me out. I do feel such a strong sense of having to 'earn my keep' and it feels awful! I do feel HUGE fear about that. Not only that but one minute things are great with him - well as great as they can be given the circumstances and who he is - mind you.....I am WELL aware that just because things were good for a little while he is still who he is and is not going to change! That feels horrible to know but that is reality and I do know that but I do still sometimes wish that there was a chance for us even though my head knows that there is not. Each time I think of the things that he has said to me ....I just hurt. He left for the road yesterday and we did talk a little before he left and he said that he does not know what he wants and he did tell me that he does in some ways feel stuck with me because I am here and OMG did that ever hurt. I have known that though for a long time and I have also known that he really honestly does think that he can do better. That must be why he is 43 and has never even been in a serious relationship until I came along....I have been the only one stupid enough to put up with him! You had me laughing outloud when you were talking about "unleashing a little Mercedes on these two" to which I respond.....come on!! I love that passion and Alot of times I wish that I was more like that! I want to get to where I have the strength to walk away...well actually get this...I felt so proud of this yesterday......I forgot about this until I was writing about walking away...... Dinner Boy had called and asked me to have lunch so I agreed because I thought it was going to be OUT. Then he asked me if we could meet at his place and I told him that I felt extremely uncomfortable with that and frustrated that he was not listening to me and that I felt it best that I just move forward with my original plans for the day and then that I had to go. We hung up the phone and I fully expected to never hear fromhim again BUT in a way with that conversation I DID WALK AWAY and that felt great!! I never expected to hear from him again but.....10 minutes later I get a text asking me if I know where such and such restuarant is and would i meet him there - that was the only time so far since I have talked with him that he has asked me to meet him out....all other times it has been asking me tocome to his place except for that experience yesterday. Mercedes......I could never hate you!!! I feel so connected to you and such admiration for your and your strength...I wish I could give you a huge hug! I can totally understand how it must feel to see someone that you care about be hurt like this....i think of that often. I often think to myself what if so and so were in this position what would I do or tell her? and boy do I ever trigger myself doing that!! My situation is simply a bad situation and that is why I am looking for jobs every single day and focusing on getting my business going so that I can generate an income and move! No - i don't want to leave here but I have to for my own sanity and peace. Part of me hates him for playing GOD with my life the way that he has. I am trying to get ME back on track though as best I can and use every single situation that I can to learn and grow in ME and gain that strength that I so desperately want and NEED! I love you girl and so admire you!! Thanks for being the awesome Goddess and role model that you are for me. I do love you!! Tina....I gave up my entire life to move here to marry Charles and hemoved me here on January 5 2008. The whole sordid story is posted on one of the very first posts but I can't remember which one. I will try to find it for you so that you can see what has transpired and what kind of situation I really am in. I am so looking forward to dancing!! When do we leave? I am so sorry that my posts are always so doggone long.....I feel embarassed and small becasue of that. I am sorry guys. Love to you all.... Cass I FEEL SO ANGRY! I HAD A POST ALMOST READY TO POST AND I HIT SOME WRONG KEY AND THE WHOLE THINGS DISAPPEARED!! GRRRRRR!! I qwill try to remember what exactly I had said cuz that is what was on my heart at that moment! GRRRRRRRR!

Mercedes……your post meant so so much to me! Thank you. It really meant alot to me to hear you say that you felt proud of me because I feel so much admiration for you and so so want to be at the point that you are in- in your own journey so thatnk you for that. You ahve worked so hard and the results are so clear and I want to be there with you! I do actually feel proud of myself as well and that does feel really great. I loved what you said about me perhaps now trying to focus more on the standing up for myself instead of the feeling messages and I could not agree more. One thing though that I am noticing… the more that I am immersed in using my feeling messages the more that I am noticing that I am not always AWARE of EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling. I get the main emotions…..happy, sad,angry, fear…all of those but the more detailed emotions beyond those bigger ones I seem to have trouble pin pointing what it is that I am feeling…..exactly. I do feel that I have become pretty good at feeling messages overall but I now have to figure out how to know EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling in any given moment beyond those ‘standard’ emotions so that I can communicate that exact feeling. You are so right though about standing up for myself and I feel that whenever I talk to dinner boy. I definitely want to keep him around and not hang up the phone though because he is like the perfect situation for me to practice in/ with. WOW…that sounds really horrible of me and I don’t like how that feels….I feel like I am using him in a way and I don’t mean anything mean by it at all but his mannerisms and character and communication style for me are so so so triggering and so this really is perfect practice for me. On a personal level though I do enjoy SOME of our conversations but he does trigger me….alot with what I had percieved to be control but I am now questioning if it is not really control but neediness! I have noticed that most conversations are either about him or what he wants to talk about and when we get to me, what I am feeling, wanting, needing, or even doing I can feel him tune out or drift off in a way and that feels icky to me. I told him that though in a feeling message and he said that he did not realize that and would try to be more aware of that. His response surprised me in a way but the fact is is that he is on a mission to get what he wants so of course he would respond with a positive response! I love your passion Mercedes! I had to giggle when you were talking about coming here to throw a little Mercedes in his face! I loved that and it felt good to hear that and it made me feel protected which felt good. I want to get to where I feel protected my ME though and that is what I am trying to work with – with him. He is most definitely all about him and what he wants, needs etc that is quite clear and the more that we talk the more that I am wondering if it is even worth practicing with him. I feel like he is kind of getting on my nerves just like JNB said she dealt with in that guyu she talked about. The other thing that I have noticed with him though is that he always talks about me coming over to his place but not about taking me to dinner, a picnic in the park, a walk…whatever….it is ALWAYS about me coming over there which I am simply NOT going to do. I see what he is doing and I am not putting myself in that situation. That feels good.

Charles…..I totally get what you said about not doing for him anymore and you are right but I do feel afriad that if I don’t do the things that I am doing that he will kick me out. I do feel such a strong sense of having to ‘earn my keep’ and it feels awful! I do feel HUGE fear about that. Not only that but one minute things are great with him – well as great as they can be given the circumstances and who he is – mind you…..I am WELL aware that just because things were good for a little while he is still who he is and is not going to change! That feels horrible to know but that is reality and I do know that but I do still sometimes wish that there was a chance for us even though my head knows that there is not. Each time I think of the things that he has said to me ….I just hurt. He left for the road yesterday and we did talk a little before he left and he said that he does not know what he wants and he did tell me that he does in some ways feel stuck with me because I am here and OMG did that ever hurt. I have known that though for a long time and I have also known that he really honestly does think that he can do better. That must be why he is 43 and has never even been in a serious relationship until I came along….I have been the only one stupid enough to put up with him! You had me laughing outloud when you were talking about “unleashing a little Mercedes on these two” to which I respond…..come on!! I love that passion and Alot of times I wish that I was more like that! I want to get to where I have the strength to walk away…well actually get this…I felt so proud of this yesterday……I forgot about this until I was writing about walking away……
Dinner Boy had called and asked me to have lunch so I agreed because I thought it was going to be OUT. Then he asked me if we could meet at his place and I told him that I felt extremely uncomfortable with that and frustrated that he was not listening to me and that I felt it best that I just move forward with my original plans for the day and then that I had to go. We hung up the phone and I fully expected to never hear fromhim again BUT in a way with that conversation I DID WALK AWAY and that felt great!! I never expected to hear from him again but…..10 minutes later I get a text asking me if I know where such and such restuarant is and would i meet him there – that was the only time so far since I have talked with him that he has asked me to meet him out….all other times it has been asking me tocome to his place except for that experience yesterday.

Mercedes……I could never hate you!!! I feel so connected to you and such admiration for your and your strength…I wish I could give you a huge hug! I can totally understand how it must feel to see someone that you care about be hurt like this….i think of that often. I often think to myself what if so and so were in this position what would I do or tell her? and boy do I ever trigger myself doing that!! My situation is simply a bad situation and that is why I am looking for jobs every single day and focusing on getting my business going so that I can generate an income and move! No – i don’t want to leave here but I have to for my own sanity and peace. Part of me hates him for playing GOD with my life the way that he has. I am trying to get ME back on track though as best I can and use every single situation that I can to learn and grow in ME and gain that strength that I so desperately want and NEED! I love you girl and so admire you!! Thanks for being the awesome Goddess and role model that you are for me. I do love you!!

Tina….I gave up my entire life to move here to marry Charles and hemoved me here on January 5 2008. The whole sordid story is posted on one of the very first posts but I can’t remember which one. I will try to find it for you so that you can see what has transpired and what kind of situation I really am in. I am so looking forward to dancing!! When do we leave?

I am so sorry that my posts are always so doggone long…..I feel embarassed and small becasue of that. I am sorry guys.
Love to you all….
Cass

]]> By: Tina http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/instantly-change-a-bad-moment-into-an-intimate-moment/comment-page-4/#comment-10696 Tina Wed, 10 Jun 2009 06:36:26 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=482#comment-10696 Cassandra How long have you been living with Charles?. just curious. Cassandra

How long have you been living with Charles?. just curious.

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