Is Ignoring A Person Abuse?

bad boyHere’s a comment from Sarah on my post about “ignoring a man“:

I have never heard such a strong argument for justifying abuse as a functional response to abuse.

My first response was “Wow – is that what I said? ”

So here’s the basic question (and I hope you’ll all weigh in on this…) – (and I realize, too – that this is an OLD post, and much of my work has matured over the years…):

Are “coldness” and “moodiness” and “ignoring,” as I describe them in this post – “abuse?”

And here’s my answer:

I do believe that “neglect” is abusive (I once experienced that in a long-term relationship and never put two and two together – though it’s hard to pin neglect down because it’s not doing anything assertively or aggressively TO you – it’s moving AWAY from you).

Yet, I don’t see this discussion in the post as in any way abusive.

People hide and shut down.

That’s the way we protect ourselves, habitually.

For me, “trying” to, or “working towards” opening up a person who’s shut down is non-productive.

To me, a wife is not a therapist.

Her job is not to sit down and try to open up her husband.

Her job is to be there in case he wants to open up, to offer a safe space for him to open up, to set an example and “go first” by opening herself up, and to live her own life without regard to his shutting down.

Ignoring, in this case, is simply not giving energy to something that doesn’t serve you.

It’s not reacting, it’s learning how this particular behavior of someone else’s is triggering you.

That said – the goal is always TALKING…and expressing yourself in Feeling Messages, and doing all the “going first.”

Encouraging and inspiring a man to open up is what we’re all about here, it’s what being a Modern Siren is all about – and yet, directly asking a man to “open up” and be “warmer” or “more attentive” is often useless when it’s a specific part of his nature to retreat and withhold.

The problem is in the dynamic, and in the dynamic I describe – a man’s withholding causes us to chase him down.

It makes us try to “engage” him, and DO things to “warm him up” and get him to give us what we want.

That kind of directed energy, focused on him – gets us the exact opposite of what we want.

He feels even MORE crowded, more pressured, more incompetent at fulfilling our needs.

And then that becomes even more true, as he withholds and withdraws even more to protect himself from what he instinctively feels “not good” with, we feel even more and more neglected, and he feels more and more incompetent.

Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.

It’s a turning back of our “chasing” and “engaging” mechanism.

It stops our instinct to go get what we want.

It stops our instinct to make up for what’s missing.

It keeps us sane, and stops us from intensifying our anger and resentment.

It gives US a moment to breathe and reflect – and it does double duty by taking the pressure off of him.

In this way – “ignoring” becomes a healing mechanism rather than a neglectful one.

Ignoring is not judging. It’s not getting caught up in something. It’s stopping our habitual response to triggers.

Perhaps the word has a connotation that doesn’t work for this – but I like it.

It’s sort of not putting our attention on an ache or pain for a change – instead of staying engaged with the never-ending process of trying to “fix” it.

Neglect would be not feeding ourselves or bathing or smiling at our men for no reason at all.

Ignoring might be not getting caught up in things that are often “none of our business” – in THIS moment.

Let me know what you think, and I’ll keep working this out in my head and on paper.

Thank you, Sarah, for this huge and powerful comment.

Love, Rori

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1,066 Comments to “Is Ignoring A Person Abuse?”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Very relevant question

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:29am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ignoring is not judging. It’s not getting caught up in something. It’s stopping our habitual response to triggers.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:33am

  3. 3: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Her job is to be there in case he wants to open up, to offer a safe space for him to open up, to set an example and “go first” by opening herself up, and to live her own life without regard to his shutting down.

    Amen to that

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:42am

  4. 4: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    86: coco kisses says:
    Hello Sirens…it feels sooo good to read all the posts and Rori’s advice to you all. I’m in a positive place. My Brow Threading Salon will be opening next month, and I am woo focused on that and friends, and of course my daughter that I honestly don’t think about him much, except when he sends texts or tries to call me for retarded things….

    Thursday, 12 July 2012 @ 6:59pm

    CocoKisses wish you would join us on the new thread.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:01am

  5. 5: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    wendy – more – and this is SO important. We overfunction because we WANT to. You’re going to have to stop, even though it feels wrong, and it’s not really what you want to do. If you need to for now, go volunteer – WITHOUT long-term commitment – at a shelter for women or children, or a soup kitchen, or a political campaign!. That will use your caretaking energy without wrecking your love life. Love, Rori

    Monday, 14 May 2012 @ 10:00am

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:05am

  6. 6: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Am i abusing my CDs?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:39am

  7. 7: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    “Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.” – <3

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:13am

  8. 8: TamNo Gravatar says:

    and in any case, we stay open when he comes back – if we want to. It’s not that we ignore him to get a reaction or to be manipulative. We ignore or step away to get us focused on our happiness and not make him an external source for self esteem…

    I just don’t like the work ignore much, it’s kind of stubborn sounding. I want to think of a different word. To just let him be, let him be so that we can ‘be’ and receive.

    I don’t feel so triggered anymore as I write this. Today I was at my work seminar and the men were falling over their feet to sit next to me, make compliments, there was even one guy, the Teacher type getting a little jealous…he said to the guy sitting next to me that he seems somewhat distracted. Ha ha. And one of them doesn’t need to come tomorrow as he had the session already..and he said to me ‘I’ll be back tomorrow, to chat more with you’.
    So that perked me up a bit, had a little dose of man-crack…hehe…actually a big dose, and most of these guys are 10 years younger than me.

    I don’t feel so triggered by MrU’s ‘would like to get married’ POF stuff either, whatever, he is entitled to do and say what he wants… I shall try and not perceive it as game playing but just perceive it as a man who is clearly changing his priorities because he has been exposed to such a good woman…hehehe….no WONDER he wants to get married (even if it isn’t to me). And my ‘wants to get married’ inspired him, I went first and he was inspired clearly…
    Absolutely no wonder, because now he has seen that there are good women out and about…
    ok, ok, I stop this nonsense but I like making up positive stories nowadays.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:29am

  9. 9: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve learned that anything other than the openhearted gifts of safety, security and significance can be experienced by the “other” as abuse, abandonment and neglect. So, in theory, ignoring could be experienced by our men as abuse.

    However, I don’t think it has to necessarily BE so. As we know, we are never responsible for feelings of another and if he choosed to feel abused, he has a responsiblity to DO something about it…which lead to a great conversation and relational intimacy.

    I do think, also, that when we know how our behavior affects another, we do have a responsibility to try not to purposely hurt them. For example, if I know that the smell of whiskey triggers flashbacks of abuse for you and I care about you then I will not purposely subject you to the smell of whiskey.

    If my man, based on his life’s journey, is triggered by being ignored, then I think it is definitely abusive to then ignore him and be surprised when he reacts in a way other than on that brings relational intimacy.

    I wish I could hang out and chat more about this topic, but I’ve got to work for an hour and then K is treating me to a day of playing house…where I sit on the back deck reading in the sun and being catered to and he does everything he needs to do to get ready for his trip tomorrow. <3

    Have a beautiful day, Sirens!!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:37am

  10. 10: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, how old are you? You are really impressing me with how well you are working through this MrU stuff. You’ve really good a good handle on it. I don’t really get this latest POF stuff but it sounds to me like he’s mirroring what you wrote in hopes of getting some sort of reaction from you. Who knows. I just wanted to say I think you are doing GREAT and very siren-y! :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  11. 11: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh Pamelala, have fun :)
    And yes, too right. If I knew a guy has problems from the past around being ignored, I would tread lightly also…but people’s perceptions, and what is really going on are also sometimes two different things.
    I wouldn’t purposefully ignore someone to harm them, but it might be interpreted as such, in fact I had a guy poof on me a few months back, just because I wasn’t very fast on texting or calling him back and he felt ignored.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:46am

  12. 12: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel it depends on the intent. If someone is ignoring a person to intentionally make them feel bad or to get back at them, then yes, it’s abuse. If someone is ignoring a person as a fight or flight reaction, then no, it is not abuse.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:48am

  13. 13: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Curvysiren, spot on. I am 36.
    I looked at his profile and saw he basically has all the same things as me as in whhat he wants ‘open to having kids’ etc. He kind of changed it all and it looks like mine, except it’s his. You could just exchange names and photos (and of course the longer text ‘about yourself’ is totally different). I don’t want to think that it is deliberate but it struck me as mightily strange when I saw it!!
    It’s just a weird coincidence, I mean on paper we are the same now, so both of us are going to get each others profile come up as matches from here till eternal…Crikey.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:49am

  14. 14: TamNo Gravatar says:

    12 RG, totally agree.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:50am

  15. 15: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I personally define abuse as something that is systematically destructive.

    I do not think your advice on ignoring a man who has withdrawn from you is abusive, in fact, I think your advice is accurate 99% of the time! As in, the right thing to do, and having the affect you describe.

    In taking your advice, and taking care of ourselves, we can avoid the resentment and anger that can build up when we don’t give someone the space they need and take their need for space personally.

    As you say, then we can be open and warm and loving when a man comes back and opens up to us again.

    It’s a balancing act between our own needs and the needs of others. If we’re doing it right, taking care of our own needs well enough, we’ll be able to be there for others.

    I say this because I can see someone using these concepts in an abusive manner, ignoring a man when he DOES come to us to open up as punishment for withdrawing or something like that. That’d be pretty passive aggressive, I suppose.

    The only situation I can see being the 1% time your advice may not be appropriate is if someone is severally depressed. There was a commercial a few years ago, for a suicide hotline I think, and one person stood on a dock, watching another person drown. The catch line was something like, “You wouldn’t just watch a friend drown, would you? Don’t ignore a cry for help.”

    I think your advice on a romantic partner not being the other person’s therapist is important, but the concept of ignoring can be tricky when it comes to something like major depression. It’s important for the withdrawn person to know they are loved and supported.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  16. 16: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Curvysiren, I wanted to say thank you so much for your compliment, I have a way to go to feel Sireny, I am at the stage of faking it to make it, well to be fair I am just getting tired of the nonsense a bit…you know what I mean.
    I am trying my best to be authentic and really, I do not care much about what happens next because at least I am not game playing or wanting to manipulate anymore..and I don’t wnt to suspect him of doing it either (that’s hard 😉 )

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:00am

  17. 17: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    So, last night was bad. I think I may respond, “Please do not contact me anymore. Thank you.” Isn’t that what I have to do to cover myself if I ever want to file harassment charges? If she still contacts me, then she’s in the wrong because I requested her not to?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:04am

  18. 18: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((RG)))) you shouldn’t be subjected to this. How is she contacting you now? Can you ‘ignore’?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:08am

  19. 19: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Carried over from last thread:
    Femininewoman–He owns it free and clear. I came here after the miserable death from liver failure of my late husband, who lost his sobriety after many productive years. I was left destitute, had to quit law school half way through (no money). I was left with just my personal effects, most of which I sold. This was the year of the economic crash actually started. 2007. It has taken me all this time to start to get back on my feet.
    He has plenty– and the idea that he would take this third party to the Caribbean just slays me.
    I wasn’t going to leave a note–but now I think I should.
    I COULD actually say something. But what? and what good would it do? It’s an argument I can’t win.
    I need a script. But I am too destroyed to think clearly.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:10am

  20. 20: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I feel powerless…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  21. 21: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, you ARE Siren-y. Your thoughts and behaviors are right where they need to be.

    In terms of the POF thing- maybe the Universe is trying to tell you (both) something…??!!

    Time will tell on this one…I just have strong vibes about it, but truly only time will tell. You’re doing all the right things…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:13am

  22. 22: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    My friend says that by pretending I don’t know–I am now lying as well.
    But-I don’t know what to say…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:14am

  23. 23: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I agree about intentions. That sets the tone of our actions and how open we are to reconnecting when the man turns to us.

    RG I feel very concerned for your health in all this. I know people keep pushing until they feel heard if they are invested. I am wondering if you know of anyone who could give you some legal advice. Maybe even the cops if she is in your local area. At least just to find out information. Cyberbulling of any kind is a crime in my opinion.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:16am

  24. 24: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells what argument were you looking to win? I got the impression that you just wanted to communicate about your decision to leave.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  25. 25: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens! Perfect timing for this post for me. Mr. Conversation is still awesome, but dealing with a lot with his divorce, and while I want to help and be there…. Not my job. In his words, he’s not ready fora big, complex new relationship right now, which even if he said he was, I’d know that wasn’t true. My natural instinct keeps coming to me fleeing, to run the other way, end things, have closure…. But I know I’d regret it and miss him terribly. It’s such bad timing, but here we are. Caring about each other, really communicating, being there. So I am focusing on breaking my triggers. Practicing and using my feeling messages. This isn’t easy, I want to do my same habits, but trying to change that.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:21am

  26. 26: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I am so grateful to this community-it is one of the only places I can turn. All my friends want to judge–him or me–or make it about them somehow. The women are worse in this case. A relationship blow out can be threatening. I am seeking clarity.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:22am

  27. 27: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I believe you are helping yourself by changing your perspective. It will feed into your thoughts that affect your emotions and I feel confident your actions as well. You might as well make up the best story.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:22am

  28. 28: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquiose sounds like a smart man tethered to reality.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  29. 29: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Tam & FW

    It’s complicated. She did it pretending she was someone else. I believe she hacked their account. I don’t believe this person had knowledge of it. All nasty again. I blocked this person and deleted everything that was posted.

    FW, thank you for your concern. Yes, it is a bit difficult for me.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  30. 30: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I like Rori’s definition of ignoring

    Unfortunately, most humans use ignoring as the silent treatment, which is a form of punishing and judging.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  31. 31: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I can’t help but wonder if back then he thought he was being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress. Who felt grateful for the assistance and obligated to offer something in return. Which might have been your friendship and companionship and over the years you became invested while he just kept taking what was offered to him. Have you been totally honest with yourself about the arrangements, the expectations and maybe where they might have been misunderstandings?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  32. 32: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    A man I was getting to know opened up to me and admitted that he consciously did this when he thinks others have treated him badly and he is doing it to send a strong message that they don’t deserve his attention.
    He states he does this for the minimum of three months to see if they come and say sorry.
    He describes it on who will break first.

    I did my best not to get involved and dragged into this listened and then stepped back to observe.

    The people who had conflict with were all attacking him verbally in a forum.
    That did feel bad to me.
    But his ignoring as an observer felt like punishment to me.
    And he said as much.
    His intent was not to go away and work on his own feelings around this it was to punish.

    Another man from my past ignored me for weeks after declaring he was in love with me and chasing connecting emotionally spiritually being there for me for hours and hours day and night for a couple weeks at a time.
    I felt distraught, abandoned, confused and my anxiety of the scale.

    When he came back and I had shifted consciously to a higher place I expressed my truth and he apologized said it was his pattern what he always did and destroyed everything he loved, regretted it deeply but did it out of habit and did not know how to stop doing it.
    He said he was shocked that I didn’t lash out or ignore him and he felt like he deserved the latter.
    This felt like torture to me to be ignored like this.

    The first man was choosing to do it on a conscious level.
    The second was aware that he did it but felt unable to break his pattern.

    Both men are attracted to and attract women who do the opposite.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  33. 33: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    No–I still want to stay– and have it be as it was moving towards something better. I want the switch to come back on–as it has for the last 5 years on and off.
    I know all the drawbacks–my friends are probably right about his defects–he is 63 and never made a real commitment–drinks too much–is now LYING to me, but still how I feel is just what it is.
    I know that in some cases it is possible to outlast a third party. But that doesn’t mean I can actually keep living here–or even that taking him back–should he ask would be good for me.
    That is what I need clarity about. If I REALLY didn’t give a s**t I would just stay here and ignore him. This is a great home. I can do what I want here. If he were inconsequential to me. I would just start openly dating out of this house. And not blink.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  34. 34: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I just don’t have an on/off switch.
    He does. But–when I REALLY leave his switches on again.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:35am

  35. 35: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Yes FW, he’s such a great guy. If I’d met him a year from now, things would probably be so different…. But I still have so much to learn, that this is great practice for me. I just don’t want to fall in love with an unavailable man.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:37am

  36. 36: TamNo Gravatar says:

    26 FW thank you, I feel the kind words lift me up to keep going .. :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:41am

  37. 37: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    @30: We have both been as honest as we could be. I was the partner, the girlfriend, the lover. He never would go all the way with it, but it was real. And when I left–he CAME AFTER me. 3 times now. The chasing thing just started last summer for a few weeks, then nothing till now.
    When I moved back in I had been the weekend girlfriend for several months. I had an illness that got serious, and was only treated starting in March.
    I told him them (his switch had gone to the off position) That I could live there as fiancee or as house-mate. Not friend with bennies. But–if he went out with anyone else I couldn’t live here. I would leave. He was clear on that. So, now he is breaking the agreement and sneaking.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  38. 38: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG has he indicated that he had any discussion with her about doing this?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:44am

  39. 39: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i was 150% kind and respectful to CF about his decision to stop dating me, I deserved a 2-way conversation. I didn’t deserve being ignored as punishment. There was nothing to punish me for. If it as simply what he wanted, he could have just said so.

    He sucks:(

    And I don’t really believe he sucks and I’m still waiting on him.

    But he sucks:(

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:48am

  40. 40: TamNo Gravatar says:


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:50am

  41. 41: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 36 Miss Bells you told him you would leave but your pattern with him thus far has been leaving and later returning. It seems he has figured out to break down your boundaries so I suspect he might not be moved if you leave. I also want to share something I got from another coach.


    Norma, you agreed with him that you should keep your relationship secret until you were sure you wanted to get married.

    But later on, you changed your mind and demanded him to go public. Wow.

    Men are simple creatures, and they like to live simple, ordered lives. But when you flip-flop on your agreements like that, it agitates them.

    And instead of spending their time loving you, they end up spending their time trying to figure you out — and re-evaluating their feelings for you.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:52am

  42. 42: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW, she did it to him too. He spoke to her thinking he was speaking to this other person. He’s going to talk with his lawyer today.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:53am

  43. 43: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    One thing that has changed, I finally believe that I am the prize, the yummy pie and a catch! It’s an amazing feeling to actually like myself this much.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:54am

  44. 44: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Each time I left it was because he went cold and tools didn’t work. And each time he would start small and I would respond because my feelings hadn’t changed, and I hadn’t gotten away far enough or long enough. He admits that he is the instigator and that it is crazy.
    This time– I have kept my end. We have been getting along very well. Making a better nest. We have a good and peaceful home life.
    I have kept my options open, kept the online dating sites, but haven’t rubbed his face in it. He knows he hasn’t offered me anything that would indicate I should close off my options. But– I haven’t actually been going out with anyone but him. My heart is not in it.
    What I am getting here is that even though we are honoring our feelings we sometimes have to do things we don’t “feel like”.
    This time–the agreement that was broken was his not to date others as long as I am here. Since he is lying about it, it is hard to call him on it. How do I say it without a YOU statement?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:02am

  45. 45: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    So– he is the flip-flopper and I am the Co.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:04am

  46. 46: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    He is extremely indecisive, and his main emotions are regret and resentment.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  47. 47: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, so he wrote back. Jeepers, he is getting so fast. I almost hoped he would give it a few days.
    I mean, I have just rolled out pretty much everything that used to bug me – in as nice as possible a way (totally non blamey). Things from the past also…
    So I was sure that he would retreat, but no.
    I am not ready to have an email just half a day later!!!
    Hehehe…Mrs Unavailable here….I admit it.

    So now I am back again at the little kid stage. putting the hands over my eyes and thinking nobody can see me. And I want to ignore the email, the usual pattern, because I worry what he will have written there that might trigger me or make me feel bad or whether he is referring to all the stuff I laid out, including the fact that I said I felt unsure as to whether I would like to have a friendship….so now I am scared of my own courage, which is soooooo typical for me.

    I am going to give myself permission to ignore the email for a bit and bathe in the last throngs of my fear of intimacy. :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:06am

  48. 48: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  49. 49: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay turquoise, you definitely are!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  50. 50: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Once, a couple of years ago, before I left the second time, he was complaining to a friend about me–how he wanted to be free.
    The friend told him “you should say all that to her, not to me.” So he cut the friend off and never talked to him again, and I am still here.
    We joke about his regret problem…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:10am

  51. 51: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells there is some “evidence” that you have collected that essentially makes you dishonest if it is not brought up. I would ask myself if I see him as sneaking around where am I sneaking around? and at least be honest with myself.

    Whatever you bring up is focussed on his behavior. However maybe “I feel a distance between us and I feel confused about it. Is there something I need to know? I feel lonely and disconnected and I don’t want to feel this way with you?”

    Though I believe if you already have evidence you might not be able to handle any discussion with him unless that is addressed. That unfortunately could cause him to question himself if he can trust you.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:11am

  52. 52: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for the hugs, tam

    i need mucho hugs today

    ((((((((my grief))))))))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:13am

  53. 53: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells can you see how not taking care of yourself have facilitated his behavior? In any way?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:14am

  54. 54: TamNo Gravatar says:

    oh, I read it and it said that he is ‘glad I am doing so much better and to keep it up’….ermmm…I just told him everything that bugged me and he thinks now that he is my psychologist?
    I guess that is the risk one takes when admitting feelings….I made it all about me and now he is telling me: ‘well done, little girl, you’re doing well’.

    And the other thing he wrote was that he is going to try now to sell all his stuff, so he is packing up basically.

    I do not feel inspired by that, as per usual. I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything about the Condo renting and is telling me he is moving away…and that I am doing well.
    I take that at face value: no interest.
    Ok then.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  55. 55: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,

    Just wanted to share that I have gone 24 hours without contacting my ex’s…baby steps:)

    I am proud of me.


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:16am

  56. 56: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I can’t help but wonder if he is packing up to come chase you?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:17am

  57. 57: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello FW

    Reading 40 I feel a lil insecure.

    Did Rori write that?

    Sometimes I am all over the shot with my emotions, and I frequently change my mind about stuff.

    But I am authentic. And honest. He knows I would tell him if I am not feeling right.

    I don’t know something about that sentence triggers me to feel shut down and small.

    Like I am not allowed to change my mind based on what I feel, even if that meant asking a man to go public about something that had previously been agreed as secret.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  58. 58: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    The evidence came to me as an honest mistake. Both our phones are the same red model. I had mine on the charger and he switched them.
    The only way I have been dishonest is by not letting him know I know.
    I tried, right after he went on a sailing trip that we talked about going on. He took her.
    So I said I felt a bad vibe and was leaving to Australia to see our friend Jay, and that I wanted him to protect the space here until I could leave (October) He agreed to this, but never admitted anything. This is when he DID admit that his behavior in reeling me back in was crazy.
    I will have to come out and say it if I want him to get the message.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  59. 59: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ella no. Alexandra Fox – and the context is that the girlfriend went public as in really public. I thought the whole thing was too long to post. I believe your situatuon is different.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:20am

  60. 60: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I would mention about the switching of the phones, what I saw and how crushed I have felt since then.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  61. 61: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yes– I can see that it was too easy to get me back without making any real changes.
    In 09 I said we wouldn’t be friends and I didn’t cave, till he came to me.
    It seems that I am going to have to be the one–and not let him in if/when he shows up.
    That is why I wanted to go to Australia. Taking care of me involves healing, and if the scab keeps getting picked that can’t happen.
    I wish I didn’t care, and I could just stay here and date others.
    Otherwise, I take great care of myself–good food, a garden, enough leisure time.
    And we had an outwardly healthy and well ordered life.
    I am grieving. Like a death.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  62. 62: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Brava New Siren

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:31am

  63. 63: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells when he chase you, he needs to experience you as new – with strong boundaries.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  64. 64: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    88% say they have creeped an ex’s facebook page, study finds

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  65. 65: TamNo Gravatar says:

    55 FW, oh no, he is wanting to move to Europe but a different country. I don’t want to put more imagination into this imaginary thing.
    It’s all his thing, nothing to do with me. In fact, I invited him here a few months back, but I knew he would not come, he would not like to stay with me, or anyone for more than a day or two, he is very private. He did look for flights though, which surprised me, and they were very expensive which also was a factor.
    He has this fantasy that everything will be better in Europe, he finds Florida too superficial – but he does not realise that he has lived there for 50 years and has become part of it. I am pretty sure he will not stay in Europe, but the boy’s gotta do what he’s gotta do – and he will. He always achieved all his goals like that.
    I feel sad that he might not even be in Fl when I get back, and maybe that is why he did not say about the Condo…he might have sold it all by then.
    That’s really sad.
    It also makes me realise that there is no planning for a future…I am kind of certain he will stay till I get back, but he will also run with his dream…we are very similar and I used to do the same.
    I always left broken hearts behind because I had dreams of moving away here and there, taking different jobs etc.
    We are so similar, but you see I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to settle now and not live out of a suitcase. I want maybe a family (maybe)….I am ready to heal my constant running away, and he is still in the middle of it. ((((MrU)))))
    It’s ok. I felt sad when I heard he considers selling up and sent him a message saying so, it was an impulse which is something I rarely have.
    I feel sad.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:37am

  66. 66: TamNo Gravatar says:

    63, Starla I am surprised it’s not 99.9% 😉

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  67. 67: TamNo Gravatar says:

    If he just tried to get a reaction out of me by telling me he is selling up, well it worked, haha 😉
    nah, he’s been planning for a while..

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:40am

  68. 68: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ella I would ask myself what am I telling/saying to myself – why that sentence triggers me.

    Remember Rori says “what you don’t love about yourelf triggers you.

    In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

    For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

    When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

    I get triggered just as much as anyone.

    The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

    I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

    Love, Rori

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:42am

  69. 69: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells – it seems the situation can be turned around by you starting to date others right now!

    or else by leaving…

    either way, it will take some baby steps and some effort to get used to this new behavior (CDating)

    it feels very ‘not like us’ to most of us who didn’t grow up surrounded by multiple adoring men all the time

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  70. 70: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    This time I am afraid he won’t even try–what if he marries this person?
    And another part of me doesn’t want him back. Really!
    He does drink too much–he is a proven cheater. (not just me–his girlfriend when I met him 25 years ago.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  71. 71: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I am a professional pollster, and my professional opinion is that the number probably leans more into the mid-90s when you take into account level of confidence. Respondents lie, even to anonymous surveys, lol.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:44am

  72. 72: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam part of Rori’s mantra is Be Surprised.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:45am

  73. 73: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 69 Miss Bells so “why am I here” is a good question to ask yourself. What is the tradeoff?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:46am

  74. 74: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I started a 50+ singles meetup group last summer when I left the last time. It has 260 members and is the second biggest meetup around my area. So– I have been posting and attending all kinds of events with my new activity partners. Not quite CDing, but it gets me out of the house with other available men and companionable women.
    I invited the whole meetup to the party.Got 65 yes rsvp. It is a big do, and there is room for all of them plus the regular people we always invite.
    So-my new pals will make for a very good party.
    I am throwing a big party with this man in a week!!! I just have to carry this off, then I can deal with the crap.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:52am

  75. 75: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I started a 50+ singles meetup group last summer when I left the last time. It has 260 members and is the second biggest meetup around my area. So– I have been posting and attending all kinds of events with my new activity partners. Not quite CDing, but it gets me out of the house with other available men and companionable women.
    I invited the whole meetup to the party.Got 65 yes rsvp. It is a big do, and there is room for all of them plus the regular people we always invite.
    So-my new pals will make for a very good party.
    I am throwing a big party with this man in a week!!! I just have to carry this off, then I can deal with the crap.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:52am

  76. 76: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    20 something crisis

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  77. 77: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah–good Q
    I was here because I love him, and I believed (he said) he loved me.
    As long as there was the appearance of a good relationship I continued to hang with it–to give it a chance and see what would happen.
    Now–I am NOT really here in a certain sense.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  78. 78: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    ((((Starla)))) adding more hugs. keep on processing this…your CF is stuff is far from over but you are doing amazingly well with it! You are amazing!

    Turqoise, I feel like I was Mr. Conversation a while ago. I met the man I’m engaged to when I was going through my divorce. He stepped away at one point which was SO hurtful and difficult for me, but looking back- it was the smartest thing he ever did for us. Once I was free and healing, we started to rebuild things. Would be happy to share more…if you’re interested.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  79. 79: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  80. 80: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do. Also I saw Dominique write to you a couple of times

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  81. 81: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do. Also I saw Dominique write to you a couple of times

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  82. 82: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    re:68–Daria–So you don’t think it is crazy to put “stay here and openly date others” as one choice of action?
    Right now I am on fire.
    But–I really don’t want to move again.
    There are a couple of dateable men in my greater world.
    There is a VERY old ( i was 21) boyfriend who lives not far away. He is invited to the party. He loves to salsa.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  83. 83: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    eeeeeee thank you curvysiren you always make me feel better:)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:11am

  84. 84: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @77 CurvySiren

    I would be interested. I think that is what I’m about to do too.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:16am

  85. 85: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells – well… I would talk about moving out with him.

    Cuz the whole ‘running away’ thing seems a lil too adventurous and fun… so if that’s not something that feels solid and you want a lil more communication…

    i’d talk clearly about the other woman, about my dating… and take that as a baby step

    the other option is the running away which from my experience also feels quite empowering :) i’ve done it to other countries before and was like “Yay”

    but I know it seems so… well i judged myself as immature but that’s not the truth about it is it… i’m just brave and exciting and spontaneous and fun… and i Will take care of myself no matter what when it comes down to it :)

    So either way, i mean with the dating thing it might make you even MORE sure you’ll be moving out… you just don’t know, some guy could sweep you off to an even better arrangement… it just gets better thats what i say… i mean, i wont let it get worse… i just require better… and i know my power… i can keep what i have or babystep open to better, whether its by leaving now or dating now, ‘shrug’ its whatever… im staying with my parents for now even tho they go ‘drama crazy’ sometimes just cuz this is a BEAUTIFUL house that feels like im living MTV cribs life… so ”” its my life ! “”” :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:22am

  86. 86: TamNo Gravatar says:

    71 very soothing FW thank you :)

    well I am surprised already, just not positively. I must have made it all up,the imaginary relationship. He did not even understand the message. I said I felt sad that he is selling up and moving, he just right now answered this:

    ‘not a sad thing at all.. actually a pretty cool thing.. I’ve not “rooted” here and am ok with going on to the next challenge.. ‘

    Not rooted in 50 years, well that’s beside the point. I wasn’t saying ‘you must be sad’, which is what that would have been the reply to. I said that I was sad.

    I feel now that he was concerned about me here, and worried, really as a friend and nothing else.

    I don’t see much point in carrying my experiment on for another 1 1/2 weeks because I just don’t feel it anymore, he is too cold for me now.
    It’s NC from today again, I will just slip away, no need to tell him.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:22am

  87. 87: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Miss Bells you are so social! go you! why do you have to throw the party with him :/

    ew … kick him out… bring a new date

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:24am

  88. 88: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel very sad, but didn’t really expect any different. Maybe it is for the best, and maybe it will be for the best if he is already gone when I get back.
    I do not want to find myself there and doing stuff with him and then he just disappears….better like this.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:24am

  89. 89: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – he’s still writing you…

    that means he’s ‘In there” with you

    did you write clearly “I FEEL SAD :(

    if so, thats still a man thing to do you know explain it away


    so this guy seems like he LIKES YOU

    hes ‘GIVING’ to you in that interaction, saying something that in his man way would avoid the pain of sadness


    it feels funny actually to me …

    anyway this guy likes you

    so i would be direct with him


    and then he might go overseas and come back like a sad guy and then you're all

    :) :) :) :) smily

    and then he's like

    "thats weird"

    and then your'e all like :( ohhh booo

    and then hes like

    :( oh its not sad at all, actually i was just moving

    and then you're like

    :)) :)))

    and hes like :)) ::)))) ***

    drool and you guys get married and he takes care of you forever yay!!!

    :) :) :)

    and hes like :) :) :)

    yay i got saved by WOMAN!!

    wowoo hoooooo


    and its in taking care of my WOMAN

    and youre like … YEAH D:)

    im TAM im so awesome and i/ LOVE doing TAM stuff

    and i got this man thing down yeah :) and

    im feeling great :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:29am

  90. 90: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    IM just feeling adoringly fantastic :)

    yay :)

    men don’t know how to get at me :)

    i do magical LK like things :) hi LK :)

    and i feel sooo excited too about my lifre

    last nite i was talking to a man and i found out where im gonna go to in brazil

    im going to salvador de bahia

    yay :)

    i kept hearing about it and last nite this man started talking about spirits and i knew he was about to tell me something important and he told me

    about it and im like yeah ok I HEAR YOU NOW SPIRITS lol



    im going!!!


    he will even help me he said

    ive met like at least 10 men who said they will help me



    always meet more in the direction im going

    life on earth for lil girl from where im from

    surviving to thriving to evolving

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:35am

  91. 91: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, I sorta agree with Daria here. I think you’re interpreting everything he says from a position of defensiveness. Just my read on it. Best to let it flow…see what happens. Stay open. Stay warm. Be surprised. I feel you closing yourself off from him to protect yourself rather than just letting this happen. What do you think?

    RG, I will write more when I can (after work) about my experience. I should have mentioned you (and Memulo) in my post to Turquoise as well. Sorry bout that. Something she said really spoke to me but it’s really relevant to all of you.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:35am

  92. 92: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my parents didnt grow up poor like me

    its a bit of a crazy reality

    to think that i was one of my generation

    the no blue jeans no sneakers no chocolate no orangers generation

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:36am

  93. 93: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    how long is too long to return a message from a cd? i didn’t see one that a guy sent 8 days ago. i feel werdly concerned about replying after over a week.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:38am

  94. 94: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i feel scared i’ll look like i was avoiding him.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:38am

  95. 95: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks CurvySiren, I look forward to reading it :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  96. 96: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and curvy siren. So nice of you.
    I loved your take on it Daria.
    I caught a different vibe and now just feel like I made it all up…yes, I did say ‘I feel sad’. And I do because he was the second person I ever met there and a super friend. So I feel sad for losing that and more sad for losing the romantic possibility.
    Daria that is so cute, imagining him coming back, pretty sure he will eventually, still be same though. He knows of my feelings, so I don’t need to state again.
    Curvy Siren also thank you – I always stay open, you know, but it has made me vulnerable to be available when I should have had my boundaries in place….
    I just feel sad also, that he is selling ‘our toys’, the boats.
    So many happy memories and I looooved them, only small old things… :(

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:44am

  97. 97: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Daria your piece about the situation made me feel smiley now :)
    Just for a second, ha!!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  98. 98: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    gray blocs

    broken glass

    polysterene – packing bubbles

    and tube bergman – to shoot paper arrows from

    and broken pieces of plastic

    going in the sewer

    that day georgiana almost got raped by the crazy man on top of the building

    real life stuff

    bad ass 80s baby stuff

    that our parents didnt know about

    i dont think they lived like us

    not exactly like us

    things were sweeter in their time


    they still had the crazy rapists aroudn probably

    and alcoholism

    and violence

    they had….

    more violence

    wellllll they had more hope too their generation

    hippie babies

    country food


    cream of the crop


    us we were badass

    it meant nothing

    that we had lines for food

    or that i used to car milk home to where it felt like i could barely walk

    or that i was home by myself at 5 years old and everyday since from school

    DDDAAAMN that means i came home by myself at 6!!!!!

    I was badass!!!

    and i bought milk… down the street… and carted it home…

    like 4 liters of milk sometimes

    and then 6 stories up

    ikn the building

    and our building got broken in like 6 times in 9 months


    and my parents were always scared of the outside


    and i vowed im gonna get to kno these outside ppl so i dont ever have to worry about being scared of them

    so i did

    and i was outside playing till nite damn that ish felt fun

    waht a crazy crazy life :)

    i wonder if anybody would understand exept the ppl who were there

    we know the taste of it in our mouth hehe :)

    i dont think i can make others understand

    it was like —— knowing nothign about the world ————————

    like living in the middle ages… in a BUBBLE

    and when we got one time – BALOONS with helium from outside— it seemed the outside world was … lke magic carpet ride

    and here i am… just a couple years later….

    WT DA FUCHKK!!!!!

    who knew the world was gonna blow apart like that ?

    ugh i feel sick

    with the poison and they said ‘excess’

    and its not the ‘exces” i ssee now its the poison

    its poisoned energy grrr

    i feel sick

    all the bright colors spinning and noit feeding my heart aghh

    i feel nausesous sick


    the vaccinee

    immigrant vaccine who knows wat is doen to my mind and sadness to sadness


    tears of shame

    the beliefs squirted into my blood the traumas of a icky


    i ama apowerful being

    i am healed kn healing myself i am safe

    i feel crying

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:49am

  99. 99: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i have discovered that behind my mind i have a soul and she is a she of all things


    she always has been

    and my first love the prophet told me

    your boy is beating up your girl

    and he was


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:52am

  100. 100: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I did tell him just now:
    ‘I still feel very sad that you are leaving, I just can’t imagine a Florida without you.
    but I admire that you’re about to do something so gutsy’.

    So there Ladies, I stay open! Despite wanting to throw the big baby out with the bathwater 😉

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  101. 101: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I feel a little concerned that “some guy could sweep you off to an even better arrangement” might be end up being a similar situation like this one. I would want to be able to take care of myself and my life first before attracting someone to take care of me again. But that is me.

    I also want to share that Virginia Feingold Clark, another coach, shared something similar about kinda running away from her situation in a sneaky way by throwing him out and changing the locks. I got the sense that is not the best thing to do. Something like sending out the wrong message to the Universe.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:07pm

  102. 102: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh boy…I feel all sad and crying. Mr. Observant phoned and he asked me if I was hesitant. I wanted to wait to talk until after his doctor appointment, so I wasn’t excited when he said that. We talked a little and he understands how I feel and will respect the decision I make, but he, of course, has a preference as to which decision I make. He also told me, no matter what I decide, he wants me to know how much good I’ve done for him and how much he appreciates me just letting him talk and listening to him.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:19pm

  103. 103: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:21pm

  104. 104: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((RG)))) wait and see…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

  105. 105: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    What to do is get an HS ectomy from my heart.
    Then where I live will not be the big thing–it will work out.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:28pm

  106. 106: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emoticon.

    Thanks Tam. Wait and see, I don’t understand what you mean.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:29pm

  107. 107: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    I feel back to Rock Star status now…posting here is motivating!
    I felt slumpy and droopy and remembered
    I am not a little girl!
    I am a grown woman!
    I have options and choices!
    He and I have been through this before, for 3 months, and I was the one who started it up again for 2 weeks.
    It was only 2 weeks. For 3 months before that everything was pretty much like it is now between us. I survived, I thrived, I felt alive!
    So I grabbed a co-worker and hooped outside, shook it off, made crazy animal noises.

    I feel bouncy and like my nerves are super-sensitive, my chest feels achey, and I feel powerful again!!

    Tim Minchin’s song, “If I Didn’t Have You (Someone Else Would Do)” is playing in my head.
    How does it get any better than *this*??

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:30pm

  108. 108: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    so it looks like the vast majority of men who view my online dating profile follow up with a message.

    that’s cool

    i just made a little list that said “things that make me happy” and like 10 or so things

    and for the first date info i said i’d feel most comfortable meeting strangers in highly public places for the first meeting, lol.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:36pm

  109. 109: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel icky at continuing to stay open though.
    Defences, yes, but also realisation that I believe men act differently when they have feelings for a woman.
    It is what it is, I don’t feel the love. I just don’t feel it anymore. I was sure of it and now I just feel silly. I kind of knew, because I know him well. I feel vulnerable that I have spilled my guts out in front of him….and opened up. It was an experiment and I am proud I managed to stay true to myself, but it also feels cringey. It feels cringey that I would have liked to have heard just a ‘will miss you too’ or ‘am sad we won’t be able to do our stuff anymore’, so I must have had expectations I guess?!
    It doesn’t feel good to see he is so excited to be leaving….
    But perhaps it didn’t feel good to him that I was not sure we could stay friends. We are both good at seeing rejection everywhere.
    I need to get back on my little horse..

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  110. 110: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not the one who suggested getting “swept away”. In fact I am so shut down right now it isn’t likely anyhow.
    He has said in the last six months-“why don’t you marry a Jewish doctor” (I am a Jew). He means he thinks I am “too good” for him, that I outclass him.
    This woman up the road does not outclass him. In fact, he outclasses her in his mind.
    I don’t think this way.
    I also don’t feel the need to address my dating others with him. I feel that it has already been discussed, just not acted on.
    It is hard. i have no car and we live miles from any transportation. Sometimes I drive his car.
    If I got a car, which I can now afford, it would make things easier.
    But–I don’t want to get the car if I am just going to move somewhere I don’t need one.
    There is no one in this area I feel really close to anymore–a little bit but not really.
    And in the 35 years I have been here I have had more sorrow than joy. Maybe it just isn’t my spot. Maybe my friends have their own motives for wanting me to leave him but stay nearby.
    Maybe it should be “stand my ground with the house” or leave all the way to Australia. And a true fresh start.
    It may not be possible to be completely authentic with him– but with me I can.
    I know what is behind doors 1, 2, and 3. I want a door number 4. Just don’t know what that looks like…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  111. 111: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    75@ Zara

    Thanks this helped a lot!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:41pm

  112. 112: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, sorry, I meant time will tell. Sorry, very general but I do believe that when something is meant to be it will happen and I often feel impatient and a sense of urgency but time will tell, also with your situation I really feel that. Staying open..

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  113. 113: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i was scared i was meant to be a boy and i didn’t want to believe i had a boy even though i did and wanted to hehe

    and through all this journey i am learning to unveil a woman in me that is sooo fuchkin fantastic like a baby and ana ocean and a BEING magnificently large

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  114. 114: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    would want to be able to take care of myself and my life first before attracting someone to take care of me again

    ACKKKKK WALL SLAM feeling shock

    actually i no i dont

    i am constantly attracting someone and the universe to take care of me

    i dont need to shut down and close off until im good enough at taking care of me

    im ok to open up when i feel broken and overwhelmed

    im ok i will learn to take care of me better by not shutting down

    this feels spasmodic in my body

    im controting and tightening

    my butt is tightening


    i want to heal this

    i feel quite calm with my butt very tight

    what a interesting feeling

    im squeezing the tension out of my buttocks

    ive noticed myself doing this before

    at acupuncture


    it feels


    i feel supported and strong


    this feels


    i feel clear headed

    i can even do other activities like type and smoke yet im tight tigh squeezing the muscles of my butt

    i wonder wht this is about

    it feels good

    i dont want to tsop

    till im all squeezed out or soemthing


    i dont know

    it fels embarassing ecxciting wonderous pleasant powerful loving safe

    im safe if i squeeze the sides of my booty reallllly tight

    no one can hurt my heart then



    feeeling confused

    squeezing even more

    my tummy tooo

    my body sponteaneously heals me

    i feel exposed

    my back is moving like a dragon

    i am



    a dragon




    my butt is the most powerful part of me :)

    ya butt

    i love you!!!!

    omg that feels scary

    to love my butt

    my butt is powerful and loving

    that feels SOOO unvomfortable to declare

    it sounds “ridiculous!



    how humiliating

    to have to declare i love my butt



    i love me

    i humiliate me to help me heal humiliatinon

    thank you daria

    im sorry

    ew icky gross

    i feel icky and now i feel scape


    still squeezing

    everything out

    of the blood and tissues and the strength that is me

    i feel a bit panicked

    myh body is wiggling in the chari al; by tself


    im dancing

    y booty s dancing on its onw


    yhehe i might as well alet it be


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:10pm

  115. 115: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    daria 112: i love this! i feel similar, like i had to be a tomboy to stand up to the bullies in my family.

    i want to feel like a girl and be happy being one, not feel guilty for wanting to be treated like a woman.


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:11pm

  116. 116: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you water

    water i LOVE and HONOR you and always see you and acknowledge you and am open to help you heal :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:13pm

  117. 117: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song – yay ! it feels so fun to unveil amazing femininity now!

    you know, our families were just doing their best to protect our girls from trauma and stuff… just shut down reactions… its not their fault…


    and now we can heal all that cuz were the FIRST ONES! to have these healing tools after those traumas in our families! :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:15pm

  118. 118: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He has said in the last six months-”why don’t you marry a Jewish doctor” (I am a Jew).


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:20pm

  119. 119: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy siren, I would like to hear more. I know I need to CD, but I’m also really focused on myself right now. I started exercising again, am busy making plans for my candy business, and catching up with friends and family. With work, and both my girls going cheer now (CV made her competitive squad on Saturday!!!) I can’t get to wrapped up in him. He wants to talk in person about us… Make sure we are on the same page, so curious to see what he offers/suggests. Did I mention he looks like my vision board guy? Yum….. Lol.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  120. 120: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    UGHH i am healing cultural violence and violence around earth

    yummy earth thanks for helping me

    we are healing and im healing and im here with u

    big hug grandmother

    i lvoe you thanks for having *my back

    im going to see about getting some of those EARTHING BLANKETS (google: earthing blanket )

    receiving some earthing blankets would fele wonderful and i love

    this bamboo house you made me

    umgh i just lvoe being alive you guys mmm ffff h ggmmh gmgg

    :) L :) :) 😉 :) :) :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:24pm

  121. 121: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    re: 117 Yeah I know…
    I need to get aligned with my own best interest, and leave when I can really go someplace better. But only if I can be completely detached internally.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

  122. 122: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    re: 117 Yeah I know…
    I need to get aligned with my own best interest, and leave when I can really go someplace better. But only if I can be completely detached internally.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

  123. 123: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am so ready . for a man who can join me in my dance around the world

    in my home that is like an octopus in the world mmmmm

    sliding downt he spirit of daria touches everyplace

    and my tribe will be big with lots of yummy peopel whose bodies will taste so good

    :) hehehehehehehehheheheheehe

    i love peopel ike apples and rainforest and

    the colors that permeate right through me

    ack i just jumped hehe

    im gonna get FUCHKED by nature weeeeeeeeeeeerrrhhhffree

    im gonna make myself a wooden dildo loll and learn how to squirt and teach other women lol


    yes but i will :)





    they love my ideas and they want to support me SOOO MUCH

    they offer me EVERYTHING


    they know im going to “save the world heheheheherr

    make your path through me right here in my heart and womb in my body is the way to heaven on earth






    i feel tery eyead i feel so happy :)

    tjs tjeu ca;; BIPOLAR is realy GENIUS!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  124. 124: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    FW, a jew from the caribbean islands, right?

    you’re the most mysterious, wondrous woman ever.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:30pm

  125. 125: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    siren song – #92 & 93 – It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You can’t control this anyway. If you want to talk to him, see him, then tell him the truth exactly as you did here. You didn’t see his message until today.


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:31pm

  126. 126: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells – you cannot be detached internally :(

    aww that woudl suck anyway

    you want to be whatever you are and STAND for that

    like FOOT STOMP flamenco – you are GROUNDED! and you ARE!

    and you DO NOT want to tolerate anything that feels bad… and you are very pist and are asking him to move out for 3 days while you bang pots and pans and decide wht to do about feeilng so pist over this woman situation and whether youw ill leave

    and if he doesnt leave, good let him make you feel better… and still bang pots and pans while ‘ignoring’ him too …

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:31pm

  127. 127: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria you are one of the most amazing women on here you are not only beautiful but also so intelligent and wow you are just wow

    thas what they say

    thanks men

    sigh :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:34pm

  128. 128: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells it being his house and property and you being there I am wondering if he would see you as part of his property. To do whatever he wants with it.

    If I were you I would look at things in context. You went there seeking shelter because of your husband’s death and having nothing. Essentially he was playing the role of the rescurer. Maybe he sees now that you no longer need to be rescued. As such he might seeing the true you and now “he thinks I am “too good” for him”, and “that I outclass him.”

    Maybe he sees your power better than you do? I believe your best attitude now would be “I don’t need you, but I want you”. So you can live you life from a place of power regardless of what you decide to do.

    I believe now you are in a place where you want a man to cherish you not a man to rescue you. You are no longer a victim of circumstances that you need a man to make special arrangements for. If it comes with romance then fine but I would get clear on what I want if I were you.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

  129. 129: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i rock

    a natural bushy pussy

    and i send

    pictures of it to men

    who are scared


    and theyre like

    omg yes actualy i like it very much

    im like

    i knew you would


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:37pm

  130. 130: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    There is a great lesson in this post. Ignoring, I have used it as a weapon before in the past. It totally was a way of protecting myself and trying to manipulate the response I wanted from another. It is all baaadddd . It feels so bad to be ignored I am really going to have to read this again and again to get it.

    Ms Bells I have lived in this situation with simularities. Only It was my house, my cars, my dime. I understand the chasing thing. Using tools and because of what I had held deep in heart under all the pain and the hurt of his actions I stayed in the relationship. It allll feeels soooo bad and familiar when I read what you are living thru and with right now.

    I left, walked.. he would come back… repeat and repeat. hmmmm it makes no sense to me today, why would a person come after you that doesn’t really want you??? I had it happen to me and it gave me hope but really I was trapped. (I see it now but then I did not) It was NOT the way I wanted to live. I literally would lay in bed at night and prayed to God to “get me out of this, I felt like I was on the titanic or was trapped in quicksand and my nose was barely sticking out to get air and survive.

    I see many similarities in what you write. I have great empathy for you. Disfunctional dynamics , smudgie lines, lies, secretiveness, disappointment, disrespect ,confused mis defined priorities and relationship definition and boundries all added up to a thing that just one big ugly thing to me.

    What do I want? What do I need? What do I need to feel? Does this relationship afford these thing for you? I asked myself those very questions and made myself busy adjusting my life so I could have those things. I am worth it and you are too.

    ((Hugs to you))


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

  131. 131: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OOOH i really feel energized by what FeminineWoman said in 127

    omg that feels so empowering and right on

    i have the power

    what am i here for, romance or… omg yes

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

  132. 132: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Do you ladies realize that now our children will be affected and healed by OUR HEALING our relationships with men? omg forevermore how awesome

    forevermore a healing influence

    :) yay thank you Rori

    that feelslike salvation

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:39pm

  133. 133: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    125 Daria… you are a jewel. I love it. I have a part of me banging pots inside. It feels awesome!

    Linda :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

  134. 134: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    127–That does make sense. He has HAMMERED me about $$ for five years.
    Now my inheritance is kicking in and he has lost one of the buttons.
    I am on a razor’s edge here.
    But–I AM at choice. I AM!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

  135. 135: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yes–why would a man who doesn’t want me come after me?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  136. 136: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Linda–Thanks for sharing your story–it does feel a bit like prison, and I do pray for relief…
    But–you got out. So it is theoretically possible for me as well.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:51pm

  137. 137: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Linda–Thanks for sharing your story–it does feel a bit like prison, and I do pray for relief…
    But–you got out. So it is theoretically possible for me as well.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:51pm

  138. 138: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Because he knows you are a good woman

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:52pm

  139. 139: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Hello, Sirens…

    I’ve been doing all right—as all right as I can do under the circumstances. I go to the pool every day and swim my little heart out. It feels good and it’s refreshing.

    And again with the dreams. It had been a few weeks since I’d had a dream about him. Last night I had another one. They are always VERY vivid and feel SO real when I wake up, so that I feel like I’ve just seen him, talked to him, touched him. And then it’s like I’m back to square one all over again :-(

    It’s hard to feel like I’m making any progress when I have to keep starting all over. It’s been raining all day and very cool and overcast. These kind of days always remind me of him, our life and how it felt to be there with him in our cozy little house. I know I am still mourning the loss of him and the loss of our dreams for the future. I’ve thought and believed, for so long, that we would get old in that house together.

    In a few days it will be 3 months to the day since he died. It feels like just yesterday. I keep living over and over walking into the house and finding him. I can’t ever remember a pain like this in my heart. I try to block it out, but I know that isn’t the right thing to do. I use the ‘falling to my knees’ tool quite often these days.

    I’m doing the Deepak Chopra 21 Day Meditation Challenge. It’s focus is freedom from the past. (It started 4 days ago, but the meditations are available for 7 days after they are posted, so if anyone wants to start, it’s not too late.

    He was the only person in my life—ever—who loved me totally and unconditionally. He knew everything about me and loved and accepted me anyway. He even loved and accepted things about me that I don’t accept, myself.

    We would have been married by now. I still wear the engagement ring. It’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me. I know I probably shouldn’t wear it anymore, but I can’t help it. (In time I will wear it on a different finger.)

    All your stories and lives are very inspiring to me and I’d be so much more lost without you all. Knowing I have Rori’s tools give me a sense of security underneath all the fear and sadness. I feel like if they they could turn around the relationship I had with this man that they can help me do ANYthing…and therefore all is not hopeless.

    I expect that I’m a little more sensitive right now, as I am in ‘peri-menopause hell.’ I get the symptoms at random times but only have a period about once every six months (and then it’s so heavy for about 2 days that I can’t go anywhere–but tapers off….doctor says it’s normal.)

    I practiced natural family planning for many years (I couldn’t take the pill) and I am very in tune with my body. I’ll probably ‘start’ in the next few days (unless it’s another peri-menopause “ooops! just kidding!” :-p) It feels like some relief that my hormones are playing havoc with my already fragile emotions.

    I know I probably sound like a broken record, but I’m really trying to move forward and heal from this. I know it’s going to take time and I appreciate being able to come here and let it all out…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 1:59pm

  140. 140: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am still paying attention to how I feel about everything. It is quite enlightening. It feels quite different to be concentrating on what my body is feeling instead of what my head is thinking.

    The CD I met the other night and wrote about…in the last thread, thanks ladies for your encouraging comments….

    He feels like a raging bull coming toward me. I feel a bit excited. Maybe I will red… I am meeting him again tonight.


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:00pm

  141. 141: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    So sorry for your loss…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:04pm

  142. 142: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Thank you Miss Bells. I’ve been reading your posts and see that you went through this when your husband died. I am sorry for your loss, as well.

    If I were in your shoes…I would have the Sirens help you with a script so you can say how you feel (with feeling messages) and leave him space to process and respond before you leave. This would be the time to bring up your feelings about this other woman, etc.

    If that gets you nowhere, then I’d not say any more and I’d just go.

    At least that way, you know you’ve tried to communicate and won’t be left wondering what “might have happened.”

    If you really love him, then you owe yourself this opportunity to use the tools. As far as I can see, it can’t hurt to try <3

    Trust your boundaries
    Follow your feelings
    Choose your words
    Be surprised

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:26pm

  143. 143: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ive been reading a lot of past posts to try and identify my feelings about my situation.

    Since strumming man withdrew and my ex got in touch I’ve been exploring around my need for closure. Closure from strumming man who I know will be back in touch, but mostly starting something with someone else while he is still on the scene.

    This really helped me to not focus on needing closure

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:32pm

  144. 144: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

    It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

    It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

    It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

    Forget about all that.

    Instead – focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:36pm

  145. 145: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I love your post about your butt. According to Louise Hay, butt = power! Haha I want to love my butt that much toooooo! I want to feel my power concentrated in my butt. Yay, I thank you for inspiring me!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:43pm

  146. 146: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Mr U was my do-over..he inadvertently me see that it was me who had the issues. And then he made me see that I mistook a lot of things for love… and now it’s time to continue healing some of that.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:44pm

  147. 147: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I love the vision of you asking him for some space to take care of your emotions. I love visioning you banging pots

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 2:50pm

  148. 148: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I hit the 100 men messaged me in under 24 hours mark on POF. Is this typical? Do you ladies have this experience? I made the profile last night before bed… It feels totally overwhelming. It will take me a couple weeks to write all these men back.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:20pm

  149. 149: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Wow Starla! :) When I’m ready to start circular dating I’ll have to get some advice from you about how to write a good profile. You obviously wrote a great one!

    I’m so happy for you! <3

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:23pm

  150. 150: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    starla, do you have a photo up?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:24pm

  151. 151: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Starla–what is IN your profile? It may be an age thing–I am 56 as of two days ago.
    I have several good pix and a good story–but perhaps I am missing something.
    Age group does make a difference though.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:27pm

  152. 152: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t have my photo up

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:30pm

  153. 153: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Also location. In my semi-rural county the dating pool is a bit small.
    I put my zip as the nearest big city and a place I used to live. Not sure what to do about being asked about my town, sense I am not really there. We are talking about 45 miles difference.
    I would MOVE back there if I had a reason.
    Is that wrong?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:31pm

  154. 154: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I had an unexpected talk/experience with J last night and I don’t know what to make of it.

    Before I describe the actual talk, here’s something that’s influencing both our vibes and probably has something to do with it:
    Two days ago, my landlady/roommate terminated my rental agreement and asked me to move out. I don’t know yet where I’m going to go but I may end up moving out very quickly. Despite the fact that my entire life savings amounts to $64 at this moment, I feel oddly calm about the whole situation. I wasn’t happy with my roommate and I’m glad to be getting out of there. So I’m not panicking (at least not yet, ha ha). I’ve been doing spiritual work like crazy for the past 7 months, working on manifesting the home of my dreams with the love of my life in it… and now I’m wondering what Life will bring me and I’m expecting that it’s wonderful and it’s right here…

    In the meantime, J loathes the tiny apartment where he lives and has been talking about ways to get himself moved out of there. He was super stressed out and anxious earlier today and I’m guessing it’s about his living situation and mine. Knowing him, he’s probably thinking about ways he would like to help me and himself. I don’t know if he’s ready to live together or if he’s considering asking me, but I guess a part of me is kinda hoping he will. I’m taking care of myself and looking for places on my own though, so I’m not “expecting” him to… and I refuse to move in with him by default (although I’m sure he’d let me if I was desperate). None of this was discussed during the following conversation, but I’m certain it’s relevant.

    The scene: His driveway, my car, around 10:30 pm.

    ***long silence during which I wonder if he’s going to invite me to stay overnight or not. I’m feeling open to sleeping over, but because of some old stuff, I’m not wanting to invite myself or assume I’m invited. I’m prepared to stay or go. So I just sit there in the passenger seat, leaning back and feeling mostly relaxed and positive in the moment…***

    J: So… Gilly (that’s his special name for me)… What do you say?

    LM: I don’t know. What do you want to do?

    J (in a grumpy grumpy voice): I want to go to bed! (He grumpily gets out, stomps up his front steps, and WHUMPS his door closed behind him all fast and hard.)

    LM: (I get out of my car, stand there in shock. I momentarily consider following him inside. I decide against it. I start to slowly walk around toward the driver’s side.)

    J: (Comes back out, walks up close to me, leans against his truck.) I’m TIRED, Gilly. I’m tired of it being “all on me.” I’m tired of having to always be the one to call you, always be the one to plan everything, always be the one to do EVERYTHING for you. I don’t want to pick up after you, I don’t want to do all the work. I hate my job and I hate my apartment and I don’t want drama between you and me!!!!

    LM: (I lean back, put my hand on my stomach, open my body position to him, and say “Okay” whenever he pauses.) I feel weird… I’m not sure how I feel. I’m sorry that I’ve been leaving it all up to you lately.

    J: I don’t want to sit out here! I’m cold! Why don’t you come in and hang out for a minute!

    LM: Okay (smiles softly)

    J: (hugs me)

    So we went in and he immediately brushed his teeth and got in bed. So I climbed in bed with him and a minute later he reminded me that my fiddle and purse were still outside sitting in my unlocked car. So I brought them in. I pretty much got that he wanted me there… so I asked if I could sleep over, which was mainly just a formality at that point. In the middle of the night he woke me up and gave me mega oral pleasure and made love to me slowly and passionately (and then again in the morning)… ahhh… so lovely.

    This morning when we first woke up I gave him a massage. I haven’t done that in months since I stopped overfunctioning so much. In fact I haven’t done hardly anything for him at all lately (and by lately I mean three to seven months), just been letting him take care of me, but after listening to him last night I wanted to do this for him and it felt good. He called me on his lunch break, and I sent him a few sweet and loving texts. (Initiating contact by texting him is another thing I haven’t done in months either – it’s NOT a habit of mine – and I also felt good doing it today.)

    I’m not sure what to make of this. Have I been leaning back too far? Yarrrgh I want to be a rock star and not worry about whether I’m pushing him away or not… and yes, I probably am trying to stave off panic about my living situation… and I can feel him loving me and wanting to take good care of me…

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:33pm

  155. 155: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I put three photos up… one really pretty one, one average one, and one with no makeup/my hair a big mess hehe.

    My headline is “I heart nerds, and you should too!”

    My profile says:
    Things that make me happy:
    -Prime numbers
    -Death metal, black metal, thrash metal, doom metal, yummy:)
    -Noticing the magic all around me in the world:)
    -Foreign languages
    -Dreaming really, really big
    -Critical and independent thinking
    -Setting a goal and seeing it through
    -Not being singularly defined by any of the above

    Please do not message me if:
    -For any reason, you do not intend to vote “yes” on Amendment 64 in November, which will legalize/regulate marijuana like alcohol.

    My first date blurb says:
    As much as I’d like to put something inspired and creative here, I’d honestly feel most comfortable meeting a total stranger from the internet in a highly public place like a coffee shop in my neighborhood for a simple and easy 1st face to face meeting;)

    And that’s it, ladies. And these responses are all specific to my profile… though there have been a couple of lame ones like “hey you look intriguing” lol

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:39pm

  156. 156: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lily M, you play the fiddle? Meeee too!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:41pm

  157. 157: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i’m chatting with 5 guys at once. thanks for inspiring me, starla!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:47pm

  158. 158: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s something else that happened last week (so the following actually happened BEFORE the novel that I posted above): He got jealous and said a few things to me that were not so nicely intended. My feelings were hurt and I said so. Then he apologized a few times but I stayed upset. Then he got mad because I was staying butthurt. He kept saying that he didn’t want drama and it wasn’t worth it and he didn’t have the energy to fight with me right now. He was kinda hinting that I could either cheer up or leave. It took me a minute to find my script and here’s what I said: “I can feel a lot of emotions coming up in me right now, and I know this is my stuff. But if I can’t be open around you and let myself feel whatever I’m feeling, then I don’t really want to be here.” Then he came toward me and hugged me and held me. He said, “I love your emotions and how soft you are on the inside… just like me. I want you here. I WANT you here.” I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about how good that felt. Then after that we were fine and had a wonderful evening. Yay… thank you so much Rori for helping me find so much love in my relationship.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:50pm

  159. 159: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Omg Starla, you do???!! I feel so excited to hear about this! How long have you been playing? What kind of fiddle music do you like? Who do you listen to? Who are your influences?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:52pm

  160. 160: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I have an obsession with an artist named Tim O’Brien if you’ve ever heard of him. I want to sound like his music sounds… :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:54pm

  161. 161: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i just got invited to go to the lake for the weekend! wow

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:55pm

  162. 162: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    :) yay siren song
    yah my profile is nothing special at all. i just threw it together last night when i felt motivated to get on there. i decided to keep it really simple. it would take pages and pages to describe myself.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:56pm

  163. 163: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    that feels overwhelming.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:56pm

  164. 164: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    that feels overwhelming.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:56pm

  165. 165: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    mine is really simple too.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:57pm

  166. 166: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lily M,
    I’ve played the viola for 16 years and I took up the fiddle a few years ago. I feel especially inspired by gypsy fiddling, particular brazilian gypsy jazz like django reinhardt. I will check out Tim O’Brien, thank yoU:):):)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

  167. 167: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I really love Celtic music (that’s my heritage). I have a mysterious feeling like I have loved Celtic music in other lives before this one.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

  168. 168: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Gypsy fiddling! I looooove it! I will totally check out Django. Thank YOU!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:02pm

  169. 169: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    woohoo:) hehe lily m, so fun to have a fiddling siren on the board

    okay, time for japanese class. hooray! everyone have a lovely night:)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:03pm

  170. 170: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    No way ladies!!!

    Fiddle-playing sirens!!!

    I have been fiddlin’ for over twenty years. I learned from two old Irishmen and flew from there….

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:06pm

  171. 171: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose! You too?! Oh I feel sooo excited… I want two old Irishmen to teach me more about fiddling!!!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:09pm

  172. 172: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, do you ever play shows? Like in a band or anything like that? If so, are you on YouTube?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:19pm

  173. 173: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    For me, ‘ignoring’, as described in this posting, is about re-setting the focus (back onto me).

    If I feel triggered, my first response has been to go at him/ go towards him/ let him know how I feel, to try to get myself feeling better, etc….

    All these things are actions. Actions = boy energy.

    And it seems somehow controlling.

    Today I ‘received’ a remark which felt painful. I perceived I was being rejected and scolded by WM.
    We were at his grandma’s funeral and most people were leaving the cemetery. I noticed WM hanging back. I walked over to him to where he was looking at the bouquets of flowers and the written cards. He remarked that no-one else had taken time to read them. So I started to read them, and out of curiosity I asked him about some of his family.
    Next thing he noticed that everyone else had left and we were the last two. He started to walk quickly back to the car and called back to me (I was still stooping down on the grass smelling the bouquets of flowers) He called me impatiently and said crossly “I want to be with my family”.

    I felt a pain in my chest, and a swooping sorrow through my whole body. And an indignant fire in my forehead. It lasted a good five minutes, during which time I ‘ignored’ him.
    It felt intense, but after five minutes it passed completely.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:22pm

  174. 174: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Just looking up Django Rheinhardt on YouTube, and one of the first songs that comes up repeatedly is Minor Swing… I know that song cuz I have David Grisman’s version, I never knew it came from Django. Thanks Starla for introducing me to more culture. :))))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:24pm

  175. 175: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lily,

    I’m not on youtube to my knowledge, but if I find out I’ll let you know.
    I play in all sorts of settings. Recently I played hornpipes and sea shanties in a magical stage/puppet production of The Rime of The Ancient Mariner.
    Oh, and made great creaking ship-mast sound effects too!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:27pm

  176. 176: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Haha April Rose, that is too cool. That poem seems like kind of a grim topic for puppets though :) hehe

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:44pm

  177. 177: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose – So did he get nice again after that?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:45pm

  178. 178: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Femininewoman

    Thank you soooo much!!!!
    I just saw your FM recommendations to me on the other thread and I just love it. Resumes quite well what I’d like to communicate to my “Skype guy” (actually that would be a much better name for the NZ cd).
    I was on a long car trip this afternoon & evening and had time to ponder what I’d say and if I’d say something…and with what I came up with was all really bubbly and intense. I like better your calmer version, as it feels right for me too, and communicates better what I want to say. So I will use it. Only have to translate it into Spanish now. Good luck to me in that! :)

    And again: Thank you for your help!!! I really feel happy having you here!


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 4:55pm

  179. 179: DeShonnNo Gravatar says:

    Whether or not this type of behavior is abusive depends on the situation. If this behavior is something that is not part of the husband’s personality, or his normal behavior, I think that it is a wife’s job to find out what is bothering him and try to help him through it. However, if this is a pattern of behavior, then it is in my opinion, abuse.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:02pm

  180. 180: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Ladies!!

    So he and I kept taking since two days ago and today was the emotional talk…

    So the last thing I said was :

    I wish I could change a thousand things in the past. I hate how this all happened.

    He said: Yeah me too

    I’m leaning back now.. but still, I’m a little confused.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:28pm

  181. 181: TaniaNo Gravatar says:

    Ignoring is not nice for anyone. i don’t believe what Rori teaches is ignoring at all.
    If your man was to ask you a question and you just kept watching tv or reading etc and did not respond this to me is ignoring and very rude.
    Being always open and approachable but not speaking or breaking the silence first is just Rori`s main teaching for women to just “be”.
    This is my take on it anyway.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:33pm

  182. 182: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    Hormonal Balance, the Key to Life, Love and Energy

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:51pm

  183. 183: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    daria… 113, i feel that way too but i feel afraid to read all your post or the posts after that bc it feels private to me for some reason – my mental space, or your writing, i can’t tell. i feel supported seeing it all : )

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:52pm

  184. 184: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    110: Smile

    I feel glad it did :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:53pm

  185. 185: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((femininewoman))))))) i love you to high heaven. yesterday afternoon & a few times last night found myself remembering your wisdoms, like finding money in your pocket : ))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:55pm

  186. 186: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    mmm starla that sounds so fantastical & fun & welcoming…. OMG i love it…. also, 2 is my favorite number : )

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:57pm

  187. 187: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Starla….I have the same….on pof…at least 800 if I dont log on for a few days…so exhausting to pick through them so I just read the hottest looking…omg so shallow eh?

    I weed out the 20 year olds, they are just looking for good a** and have some kind of milf fantasy lol

    I weed out the form letters….guys who send the same long paragraph that someone wrote for them and its a generic one where they obviously didnt read my profile.

    I weed out the OMG why do you think you have a chance with me…like wow, ur 82 years old and I am offended that you wrote to me and asked me to give you a **!

    I weed out the ones who just say HI how are you unless they are really hot lol

    ANd Im left with alot of nice guys and when they say what are you looking for …I say I dont want a FWB and I dont want you to come and hang in my bedroom lol and from there we will see lol

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 5:59pm

  188. 188: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    miss bells, wow …… maybe you don’t feel it, but you sound really strong & “together” to me….. I hear your woman crying & i hear your man saying, “ok ok we’re going to get you out of here”…..

    i hear what daria is saying too when she tells tam to cry to her man……. you can do that… it feels good to me to lay everything bare. it’s ok. it’s amazing to say it out loud. we’re all human. & we’re all human ! you know ? so… accept also that – with all he’s given you – honestly, this man is not a bad man. at least from what i’m hearing (& ok ok i don’t Believe in Bad-ness)

    (((((miss bells)))))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:00pm

  189. 189: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    hi, jessie!!

    i read your posts. hope you & your children are well & your oldest is “behaving” : )

    i laugh at how great your men have been…. how sweet & how…. you see that & appreciate them : ) makes me feel super excited imagining your next suitors, as surely those men who’ve come before are just the courtiers to the Prince, right ??

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:07pm

  190. 190: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I feel ignored on the blog lately. I don’t even like commenting anymore.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:16pm

  191. 191: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    HI BLooming!
    My oldest son is away at his daddys right now in nova scotia….almost 15 hours drive from me….Im enjoying the break and getting a chance to miss him….one thing that single mothers never get the luxury of having is the free time away from their kids to just miss them.

    He still worked me for volcom pants and new skateboard wheels and plans to come back august first although his daddy wants him the whole summer (My son was born in my house a few months after his dad and i seperated so they both have never really lived together ever….so i hope that its nice for his dad to just have him and get sick of him lol and his dad took tons of time off work to be with him and take him out!)

    He says that going to the beach with his dad is “gay” an expression that i despise lol but hes certainly not being harmed, hit or starved lol he just likes to be with his old friends …teenagers ….rather than adults…but his dad not exactly an adult so…lol i dont feeel too sorry for him…

    August 1st girls, i will have no kids…omg how will this big city handle me!! I plan to spend at least 2 straight days intoxicated and hungover…just because I CAN! Lol

    Kisses everyone

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:23pm

  192. 192: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    (((((Jasmine))))) I don’t post here often, but I catch up every few days on the reading. I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored, here. I’m sure that no one intends to ignore you.

    What is going on with you? I’m not a very ‘advanced’ Siren, I’m a good listener <3

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:36pm

  193. 193: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Flowerchild,

    There’s not really much going on, I haven’t been talking lately. I’m now getting ready to go out with some friends!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:48pm

  194. 194: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Im going to try a daria rift

    lol im sure this will sound wierd

    i love my wierdness

    I love my 3 divorces and my crazy considerations of a fourth!

    I will marry the fourth.

    and maybe a fifth and a sixth

    i love my divorces

    i love my exes

    i love my babydadddys

    i love my sexual consequences

    i love my stupid choices in men

    i love my ability to get divorced! wow im soo good at it

    i love signing the marriage certificates and having a wedding its sooo fun!

    I love being judged

    i love finding people who dont think its that bad to be divorced

    i love how im not afraid to get divorced

    i love how im not afraid to love again

    i love to date and find sexy new men to kiss me

    i love myself for how i left my exes once they needed to be left

    i love my disappointments and my mistakes

    i love all the men who have loved me and i love how i dont think anyone is a mistake for me….just someone who passed the time with me

    i love institutions and how it wasnt for me

    i love sex before marriage

    i love how i love sex before marriage

    i love how i love sex within marriage

    i love how honestly i love sex before marriage more than after the marriage

    i love how i went and didnt go back…even though it hurt alot

    i love how im not good at rifting but im still trying

    kisses to myself!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:49pm

  195. 195: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    you’re awesome, jessie : ) that sounds like fun

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:54pm

  196. 196: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    jasmine, hi : ) did you end up texting someone the other day to let out your friendly energy ?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:56pm

  197. 197: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 6:57pm

  198. 198: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I actually did and it went fine until the emotional talks. It was my ex

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:04pm

  199. 199: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    189 – Awww, I love you sweetheart! I love it when you post here. My heart feels warm when I read your posts.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:11pm

  200. 200: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been out all day running errands with Cris. I tried to get my car inspected, but it needs repairs that I can’t afford right now (brakes and tie rods). We went shopping at a discount grocery store and got some smokin deals. I still need to carry the groceries in, but just taking a breather.

    I feel breath-catching excited about R, and the amazing conversation we had last night! I feel loved!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:16pm

  201. 201: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the hugs bloom-ing. I feel loved, here.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:17pm

  202. 202: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    jasmine, i read that, & now i notice i feel curious if you “knew” that a conversation with him would “turn” “emotional” & actually i notice if i’m totally honest it makes me feel a bit tense in my stomach… & i don’t want to feel that way talking to you…. but i heard you say the other day that you were just feeling friendly, so when i read, “until it turned emotional…. it was my ex” …. i’m paraphrasing…. i feel nervous & like, oh wait, she said it was just her friend, i thought, because like i thought i heard her say that it was just friendly hello ! over the fence, no sweat…. so i feel confused how it got so “emotional…it was an ex” or that’s how i read it & maybe i’m hearing something different than you’re saying…. but i just notice myself feeling “tight” about how i don’t really understand the story that you’re telling.. thank you for listening : )

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:25pm

  203. 203: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    & sorry jasmine for projecting my own past of contacting humans & thinking “no big deal” when really i know that i believed it was a big deal…. (((self))) ((((Jasmine))))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:27pm

  204. 204: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks bloom-ing. I feel loved.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:28pm

  205. 205: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tania

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:31pm

  206. 206: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    97 – I feel sad and desolate reading that. I can’t imagine being 5 and 6 and living like that. :-( I want to hug you.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:45pm

  207. 207: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He is in pain and keeps on texting me.. I decided earlier that I’d say I prefer to talk over the phone. Now got several texts, very sad.. do I just say I prefer the phone??

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:49pm

  208. 208: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He will call if he wants to talk.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 7:55pm

  209. 209: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW. I said he is very strong to handle all this and that I feel tired of typing, phone is better.

    Now feel like I am pushing it :(

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:00pm

  210. 210: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He was texting a lot last night and this morning and then he lost the hearing.

    Is it bad that I said that?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:02pm

  211. 211: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    206 – Daria told me simply stop texting. I have yet to do that with R, because I don’t feel strong enough. I admit, I thoroughly enjoy texting him…even tho I feel like I am taking crumbs to do it.

    Oh well, tomorrow is my date with him! I can’t wait!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  212. 212: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    One of my cats just got spayed and another neutered. I feel so MEAN making them wear the victorian collars! Yet I know it is for THEIR good, to keep them from biting open their incisions before they heal.

    (((My cats)))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:10pm

  213. 213: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    On the other hand, I don’t have to be perfect.

    He was texting very late last night and I woke up and responded for a while. And then this morning and in the afternoon.

    Ohh should I say I am sorry for this comment?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:13pm

  214. 214: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens! I’m taking SUCH good care of me today! I colored my hair an awesome shade called French roast, I needed a little pick me up and it looks hot! I straightened my hair, put in sexy eye makeup, took a few pictures and put one on fb where several friends have commented. I feel pretty. Then I took the dog for a power walk through my whole hilly plan, and my abs are already complaining, but I feel jazzed up on endorphins. I did some cleaning, caught up on fb and now I’m taking a little break and will head to bed soon.

    I love catching up on the posts and see there are some new posters! Hi!!! I’m turquoise from Pittsburgh!
    I made a batch of fudge and posted a pic on fb to show a new item for my candy business, and a guy friend of mine wrote that he wanted to just put his whole face in there! Lol…. He’s cute, I couldn’t help but have some sexy thoughts go through my mind. Whew!
    Mr. Conversation is a friend on Fb and he usually likes or comments on my posts. Nothing tonight, but I imagine he’ll have something to say tomorrow.

    I just read why men love bi!ches and it’s very similar to what Rori teaches. Love yourself, don’t overdo and cook, clean, etc. but the main point I got from it was that men respond to distance, not words. With dreamy when he pulled back I practically tripped over myself leaning forward. Even though I’ve had it drilled into me here for over a year, I texted to tell him how I felt being ignored, had my own closure…. And was really upset about the whole thing. It hasn’t even been a month, and I barely think about him. So, if I would have just held off, wouldnt have hurt forever and I would have left a little mystery, not looked do needy…. I learned my lesson.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:13pm

  215. 215: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    I missed the date news!!!

    my guy got a restraint order from the child on his bday and today he lost the hearing and got supervised visits! It could be worse but not by much

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:16pm

  216. 216: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Too bad I didn’t see FW’s response earlier ;(

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:23pm

  217. 217: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Memulo, that’s really sad. I think when someone we care about is suffering so deeply, we just be there for them. Its not about all the rules and being a siren. It’s about showing compassion for another soul. Now that doesn’t mean you do that forever or stop taking care of yourself, but if he feels more comfortable texting, let it go. Most men hate talking on the phone and maybe he doesn’t trust his voice or want you to hear him cry. ((((Memulo&her man))))

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:28pm

  218. 218: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    You sound fantastic!


    Texting last night with R was better than ever! I would love to post it but, wow, it was so personal I just don’t know if I want to. It was so precious that I would feel really bad if it got ripped apart.

    Anyway, for the first time ever, he planned ahead for a date, setting the time and place (10:15 pm at a karaoke bar). His words were the delicious words we long for a man to say…

    “I think you are a beautiful lady”

    I was talking about how I’ve died a thousand deaths going to bed alone every night for decades, rather than have sex with the wrong man and have it be empty. He texted back, “Tear!” as in crying. His words were so tender and warm!

    Another thing he said, “I try my best to be sweet. It’s one of the most important qualities I want in myself.”

    That is the REAL R speaking, not the schizophrenia.

    He said, “I would like a purely harmonious friendship with you.”

    Those were the highlights. I just felt so, so connected with him as we texted! We kept it going until 4:30 am!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:28pm

  219. 219: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Good night. Just because it feels good to have someone to say good night to. Leaning back tonight as I anticipate a nice time with R tomorrow night.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:30pm

  220. 220: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi esteemed!!! Thanks! You too! :)

    For the first time, probably ever, I feel sl clear about what I want, what I’m doing and where I want to be. I know its because I’ve been able to put C behind me. I barely think about him either now! I mostly think about me. Mr. Conversation is filing the void, so I know that helps, but it’s not about the relationship I have or hope to have with him, it’s fun, I hear from him regularly, we’ve had a few miscommunications and have talked through them… It’s just so good to see what a relationship could be like, and how it would add to my life, but not be my life. I love me! I’m the yummy cheesecake! :)

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:36pm

  221. 221: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Radlove!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:36pm

  222. 222: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Blue cheese cake 😛

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:39pm

  223. 223: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    I was thinking that to have you hesitate is exactly what she wants to do. You may want to consult with a lawyer but I don’t think you need to tell her to stop the harassment before you can go to police. You should be good to go after the very first occurrence

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:44pm

  224. 224: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t contact him again, didn’t apologize. Ohhh should i?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:45pm

  225. 225: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Haha…. Maybe a blue daquari cheesecake!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 8:45pm

  226. 226: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, Thank you – and the depression issue is huge, and I’ll write my thoughts on that soon….There are ways to love someone, and there are ways to be supportive, and there are ways that SEEM supportive that are actually not helpful to anyone – and we’ve all learned the ones that aren’t helpful.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 9:06pm

  227. 227: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, i have only kind of skimmed, but maybe you could just text him that you feel so sad for him and that you’re there if he needs you and he didn’t deserve any of this.

    i’m not sure what u want to apologize for but it might be kind of focusing on the negative and being kind of needy. like how CL’s apologizing yesterday was NOT doing me any favors.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:11pm

  228. 228: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tania said : Ignoring is not nice for anyone. i don’t believe what Rori teaches is ignoring at all.
    If your man was to ask you a question and you just kept watching tv or reading etc and did not respond this to me is ignoring and very rude.
    Being always open and approachable but not speaking or breaking the silence first is just Rori`s main teaching for women to just “be”.
    This is my take on it anyway.

    Am i abusing my CD by ignoring his text messages?
    He still has not tried to call. Or Skype. Tomorrow would be a week since we made love and he has not gona completely AWOL but a text every other day is a HUGE difference from what we had before.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:11pm

  229. 229: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jessie, thank you for the POF wisdom:)
    I’m up to like 120 messages in 24 hours. Just nuts.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:12pm

  230. 230: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Lily medusa- loved your script in 158

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:25pm

  231. 231: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Today I feel more than!
    more than comfort of looking down and avoiding eye contact; more than pretending i do not exist and “i-am-sorry – if – i – have – disturbed-you-and-my- presence-made-you feel-offended..” ggrrrr …; more than my habit to put up with ouchy treatment; more than beating myself up for wanting smth better and working on it.
    today I feel more than my toxic habits . i don’t want to cry from humiliation, i want to cry from feeling overwhelmed with happiness.. i don’t want to feel cheerful because i didn’t get blamed today – i want to feel cheerful because i feel loved , and i will because today i feel more love toward myself than to anyone else. finally. I feel very thankful to Rory and you girls.

    and i guess that the article is not about ignoring a man but ignoring the urge to fix him ..

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:25pm

  232. 232: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Hey starla, i’m having a bit of a windfall too! I feel excited. I haven’t thought about guy who loves me much tonight. It feels nice.

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:27pm

  233. 233: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hey siren song:)
    i have been thinking about cf quite a bit myself. i was thinking about how he must not have been that into me (this is untrue), and if it’s untrue, then he has a weird way of showing it/handling it.

    and he’s just not the man for me

    and i was thinking about how i can have it all, i can have the man of my dreams… a man who really will do absolutely anything to make me happy.

    okay time to sleep

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:30pm

  234. 234: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Lily medusa, hi, i love your story and I feel curious to ask you something. When he said he was feeling tired of doing all the work because you are leaning back, this is what tools were working here BUT how do we get the balance? Do we lean forward just a little every now and then or do we use feeling messages to communicate how we enjoy him leaning forward, to share how good it makes us feel so he will want to do it more!? What do you think?

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 10:51pm

  235. 235: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Not being tied to a man for the first time in my adult life feels liberating! Mostly I am celebrating my freedom by turning the music up and singing at the top of my voice!

    Thursday, 19 July 2012 @ 11:36pm

  236. 236: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Morning Ladies!

    Beautiful day here.

    Not sure what to think about last night’s email exchange with MrU. It didn’t make me feel good which is the main point.
    I leant forward a little, and now I feel flat again. You see, I did experiment with opening up and it got a nice response from him also, but I did not feel it made me more attractive to him. On the contrary, I now believe it made him more determined to see this as a friendship….and yes, we have deepened our friendship. That was the result of the experiment, basically.

    Now that’s ok but I am wondering if, when we had NC before, I should have just left it there and ‘got on with it’. I don’t want to be friends, well I do but..I feel confused about it.
    I feel he is either not ready for more with anyone right now, or he doesn’t feel it for me…yet, I was so sure he did, based on his actions when I was there. I could practically feel it ooze out of him. But back to the present – I don’t feel anything coming from him right now!

    I was wondering how a real long term relationship would look with him, since he is a very private man, has problems in all his relationships (friends and family), and says of himself that he is ‘cold’.
    A challenge. So I need to ask myself why I need more challenge in my life. I have plenty. Do I want them? I guess!!

    A guy who says he is not rooted in the place he has lived for 50 years, falls out with people often, can’t work with people so he says (always alone, own business, no staff)…it would have fit with me years ago. Now and with the work I am still doing, I actually realise that I want to arrive somewhere (I also never felt rooted and I did what he is about to do, upped and left places when I wanted to run).
    I finally want to settle and build on my relationships with friends etc., maybe have a relationship, maybe even get married and maybe even have a family..the sky is wide open.

    He is at a completely different point in his life, running from everything and the problems he has at home, thinking it would be different elsewhere….
    meanwhile I realised that the problem is inside of me and can’t be resolved by running away. We are developing into completely opposite ways. I feel like I am healing and he is soul searching still.
    I feel sad for him and I feel worried for him also, that he is giving up his whole life and security for a dream of moving somewhere he doesn’t even know – at the age of 50, selling all his toys, houses, business and breaking with everything at home. But he is a big boy, a clever man, and he will be ok.

    So to draw a conclusion, my experiment was hard and it brought some interesting results but did not change anything, I am back at the point I was 3 months ago, one year ago, even two years ago with this man. It has helped me to open up and as such was valuable for my future relationships. I feel a little pang that now he knows so much about me and my feelings while I am none the wiser, but that was the risk and I do trust him not to ‘abuse’ the knowledge as he is a good man underneath the hard shell. I worry that he is judging me by some of the stuff I revealed but that would make him entirely the wrong man, so go ahead and judge MrU, that would be ok too.

    Now I need to make the decision…staying friends means being the confidante and watch him date others, being supportive of his dreams to go abroad while I just want to say ‘stay, stay, stay’…. it feels bad. Saying ‘I don’t want to be friends’ feels even worse, like I am playing a game, opening up and then saying ‘bye’.
    The best option is maybe to do nothing, lean back and move on (I am dating all the while anyway)…and I am not sure how open I can stay with this man seeing that he has a habit of going hot and cold and I just don’t know if it is really worth staying open to be subjected to it and keep ‘hoping’ – I don’t want to….yet I do not want to be defensive.

    Conclusion is that Rori’s tools do work, seemingly with any man – but if he is not the man for you, it is only a temporary fix because he is drawn to you but only for so long. If a man doesn’t feel you are his one, then nothing, not even letting him see inside your heart, will change it. That is my view.
    However, it is also my view that the guy who really wants you, will want you even if you are somewhat clueless about the tools….but knowing them will make things easier between the two of you.

    You can’t lose what you never had. In that sense: onwards and upwards!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:05am

  237. 237: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Another unwated side effect of opening up and being vulnerable and making it all ‘about me’, that I would like to share with you:

    He started acting like he was my psychologist and saying ‘oh I see you are doing so much better, well done, keep up the good work’.
    I felt kind of angry about that, as if he was talking from above and not with me in the same space. I felt misunderstood, like he did not realise that I opened up to him, and wasn’t looking for someone to listen – anyone. I shared my feelings about some of our situations, so it was a strange response.

    I basically told him about of my feel bad moments when we were together, and how I am working on healing things that come up from the past…and he completely zoomed out of our experience and into the ‘healing things from the past’. He only sees what he wants to see. I do feel sometimes he has no clue how I feel about him, and me having told him a few weeks back that I have ‘romantic feelings’ hasn’t sunk in, or he overlooked it, or he just completely zooms it out because he feels uncomfy with it.

    I will stop wondering eventually, and I know he plays psychologist ‘well done’ because he cares and wants to help and give…it just made me feel weird.
    Perhaps I didn’t use enough feeling messages but I don’t want to worry anymore, what’s done is done and I don’t want to watch my every word for fear it will push someone away.
    I stop now.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:18am

  238. 238: TamNo Gravatar says:

    hehe…you know…he probably saw all my opening up and stating what I wanted in my life (ie a man who wants me 100%, not accepting less etc) as some kind of rejection. Well, I can’t heal him, that is not my job!!
    I will stop now!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:20am

  239. 239: TamNo Gravatar says:

    …perhaps despite my best intentions I tried to ‘convince’ and join me in my healing….perhaps that came across…I did not intend to but perhaps I was too much in convincing mode rather than sharing/feeling mode and that pushed him away. Oh well, no worried, I lost a suitor and gained a psychologist lol.
    Maybe that was the result that was meant to happen….oh dear, I will really stop, I am hogging the blog!!!! Sorry…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:31am

  240. 240: TamNo Gravatar says:

    One more…sorry :(
    But I noticed I am beating myself up, this time not for ‘not being pretty enough, being clever enough, not having the perfect this and that..’
    Now I have zoomed in on ‘I am not in my feelings enough, I am in thinking mode too much, I did not say the right things because I am not….enough’.
    Stop, stop, stop.
    I am back in little girl, no self-esteem mode.
    So what if I think too much. I read philosophy, psychology, I am a thinking woman!!!
    So what if I don’t express my feelings enough, well enough, so that I still get misunderstood. So what?
    There is a new day and a new opportunity.
    And those men that fall by the wayside because they think I am ‘not enough’…they are just making space for the right one!! :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:13am

  241. 241: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I feel like wrapping my arms around you and hugging yo.u. You are learning to be a feeling woman. I am learning too

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:03am

  242. 242: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I feel the hug. Thank you so much!!!
    I find it all very hard, but that’s no reason to stop learning and moving forward, I guess.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:57am

  243. 243: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder if it’s ok if I don’t respond. He sent me one more text in the middle of the night. It was short. Like before he was opening up, then after my text that I feel tired of typing there was silence and then this text. he said he is thinking of giving up. It never ends and he is always in the wrong. Do I respond to this?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:28am

  244. 244: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, it’s ok to say nothing.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:37am

  245. 245: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tam 236

    I feel so identified by what you have said here, although I might be a bit further from settling… I still feel restless about it too.

    “Now and with the work I am still doing, I actually realise that I want to arrive somewhere (I also never felt rooted and I did what he is about to do, upped and left places when I wanted to run).
    I finally want to settle and build on my relationships with friends etc., maybe have a relationship, maybe even get married and maybe even have a family..the sky is wide open.”

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:37am

  246. 246: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Memulo
    Have you responded many messages already..? I wouldn’t respond now…as you said…you felt tired and maybe even would be sleeping…he doesn’t know that.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:40am

  247. 247: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Tam. I hope he won’t think I don’t care or disapprove?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:41am

  248. 248: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii yes he sent it in the middle of the night, but now it’s morning where I am.

    I responded to a lot of texts in the past couple of days, but last night to his several texts I said that he is a good person and very strong to handle all this. And that i feel tired of typing, phone is better. He didn’t call but stopped writing and then this message in the middle of the night

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:44am

  249. 249: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I think, Memulo, he would not think you don’t care and I believe he will be in touch when he is ready.
    Your call. I don’t find texting is a good way of communicating and can create a lot of misunderstandings.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:50am

  250. 250: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 249 Memulo, I agree with what Tam says here.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:56am

  251. 251: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii thank you…yes, the sky is wide open but we sometimes have a narrow view especially when it comes to men. Time to stay open, I have a difficulty staying open and keeping my mouth shut at the same time….

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:57am

  252. 252: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii – we are at a similar point in our lives…trying to stay positive is the major challenge for me

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:00am

  253. 253: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii – I am away from settling down but want to so much.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:02am

  254. 254: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you girls

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:05am

  255. 255: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not hard to stay positive once you forget your fear. At least this is how it works for me. So many fears. And most of them never come true. Not even close.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:07am

  256. 256: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ermm. I posted three cmments saying the same because on my phone and it showed up as not posted…pfff technology!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:16am

  257. 257: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Staying positive…I am just so impatient. I want things here and now…and it just isn’t happening. Need to chill..

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:17am

  258. 258: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 257. As human we tend to want instant gratifiication but when we look aroiund us we realice most things come to fruition through a process.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:26am

  259. 259: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens :) I got up early and walked the plan again! I’m not a morning person and often tell myself that. Well maybe I haven’t been one before, doesn’t mean I can’t be one now! I want to lose 15 pounds in the next 6 weeks and am literally going to walk it off! I just had some oatmeal and water. Off to shower and get ready for work. It’s so humid here, flat ironing may be useless, but I’ll do my best to tame my crazy hair!!! Or, maybe I’ll embrace my wildness today and encourage my curls…… Hmmmm, to be continued :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:00am

  260. 260: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Vi said “..and i guess that the article is not about ignoring a man but ignoring the urge to fix him..”

    Yes, I agree. It’s about ignoring urges and urgency.

    Instead, we can drop deeply into our feminine self.
    Re-balance the relationship bubble.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:15am

  261. 261: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Turquoise,

    I feel curious. What is the ‘plan’ that you walk?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:16am

  262. 262: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    It’s like I said he is strong and he responded No, I want to quit. So now it’s my fault I said something wrong? Hate texts. Should I say it’s not how I meant it? If I keep quiet does it sound that I disapprove?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:16am

  263. 263: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    “Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.

    It’s a turning back of our “chasing” and “engaging” mechanism.

    It stops our instinct to go get what we want.”

    This feels deeper to me and requires some contemplation.
    The ‘instinct to go get what we want’. Hmmmmm. Boy energy?

    What I am working on is ***knowing what I want***
    then I can express it with feminine energy.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:21am

  264. 264: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild77 says:

    “(((((Jasmine))))) I don’t post here often, but I catch up every few days on the reading. I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored, here. I’m sure that no one intends to ignore you.

    What is going on with you? I’m not a very ‘advanced’ Siren, I’m a good listener <3"

    I feel triggered. I feels anger and then underneath that anger on a deeper level heartache when someone says I'm sorry to someone and then follows with I'm sure that's not their intention/ my intention etc.
    It feels controlling to me.
    It just feels plain awful.

    Just because someone did not intend to do it does not mean the other person didn't feel it.

    It felt good to read when flower girl wrote I am a good listener.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:22am

  265. 265: Memulo says:

    Turquoise you sound yummy this morning;)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:23am

  266. 266: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Jeepers Creepers, he sent another mail. What is going on with the man of few words?!
    I feel overwhelmed.
    I don’t want to spark off another bout of feeling uncomfortable….like our conversation yesterday.
    I don’t feel like reading it, I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:38am

  267. 267: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jasmine, what do you think would be the best way to help someone who was depressed?

    My eldest has had existential depression due to his giftedness.
    This has felt heartbreaking to me to observe and know how to handle.
    I felt scared of getting it wrong and him harming himself
    I felt scared to trust the doctors and betraying him. he did not want doctors help.
    So I trusted myself.
    I made some mistakes.
    I sat with him felt dragged down too felt helpless in being able to help him.
    Was understanding, gave him time coaxed him to rest eat etc, got engaged in reason.
    For me none of this helped.
    He spiraled further down and so did I.
    I made a huge mistake and went the other way which I feel ashamed and mortified about and tried to pull him out of it by saying ” oh just get on with it then when he felt suicidal.
    As I Mother I feel so ashamed that I said such a thing whatever my reasoning at the time.
    Finally the only thing that worked for me was to say to him that sometimes I feel that despair and awful ness and the only thing that helps me is to go and do something that feels good and makes me happy so that was what I was going to do.
    I went of and did it, and with that he got up and went and did the same and finally came out of it.
    I know he will go back to that dark place on and off as the type of depression he gets it is very common with gifted people.
    Why am i here? what’s the point etc? I am just an insignificant micro organism in the universe.

    What has your experience been?
    And what do you think the best way to help is?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:46am

  268. 268: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:52am

  269. 269: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    We are all easily swayed by power and our own estimation of “greatness” and the “dream man” qualities we hold dear. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to switch our sense of judgment around a man. Forget about who he is, what he does, how much power, looks, money or status he has.

    Instead – look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN. When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better…

    Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:53am

  270. 270: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “First…just because you think he’s great doesn’t make that true.

    You are worshipping his “intellect.” You think he has something you don’t – and even want to “give” him this other woman, who you think is more suited to him and better than you. You see him as “professional” and with “status.” You see him as having qualities you wish you had.

    And you’re completely belittling and ignoring the amazing, fabulous qualities YOU have – AND…you’re ignoring the fact that you’re working to GET some of those qualities for YOURSELF – so you don’t even NEED to get them through a man. I know it feels like a shortcut, to get those qualities from a man – but it just doesn’t work that way.

    And yet – you put yourself down, and raise him up.

    In your eyes – he’s better, and you deserve crumbs.’

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:56am

  271. 271: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, the man just got some REALLY bad news. Just say you wish you could give him a really big hug. maybe even ask him if he wants you to come do that.

    i think maybe your tendency to over analyze is minimizing his humanity here.

    and i also appreciate that you want to avoid overfunctioning, which is really important too.

    this isn’t like “oh poor baby, your boss yelled at you today, let me come fix it for you.”

    also, a lot of men will argue when you say they’re strong, so you can just say it and drop it:). They’ll remember later that you said it and will appreciate it:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:57am

  272. 272: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I felt so angry and hurt last night at my Mother.

    Or perhaps it is myself I am angry and hurt at.

    She told me to send my husband her love.
    I replied “really”
    She said yes really he is family.
    This is a man who has physically and psychologically abused me.
    When I pointed this out she replied well
    he hasn’t done those things to me.

    It felt like a punch to my stomach hearing those words.
    I felt so angry and hurt and uncared for and unloved.
    So she thinks it’s ok for her son inlaw to do this to her daughter.

    On reflection why on earth why on earth would I really expect anything else.
    This is a woman who still shares a life and a bed with a man who molested her daughter.

    It felt best to me to say I am going it feels awful to hear that and disengage from her. Emotionally walk away from her.
    Not someone I feel able to trust and go to.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:01am

  273. 273: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Are there two Jasmines?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:03am

  274. 274: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:04am

  275. 275: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo I also think Rori’s words to Jasmine also apply.

    “There are ways to love someone, and there are ways to be supportive, and there are ways that SEEM supportive that are actually not helpful to anyone – and we’ve all learned the ones that aren’t helpful.”

    If I were in your shoes I would be reading the articles about a Depressed man.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:07am

  276. 276: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    J Rock…you can say you’re working with a coach and writer you found…but please, DON’T fill him in on the stuff or give him the book. Reason – you don’t want to tell nuts-and-bolts about ANYTHING!! We’re trying to get ourselves out of our heads and into our bodies and hearts….and the moment we “explain” anything to a man…it’s working the wrong way…AND – a man will only use it AGAINST you…so…say the book is for women, and you feel right now like it’s sort of private coaching and you don’t want to share your process just yet…just say it’s “girl stuff” and it feels kind of “girly…” If he asks you…say “I’m learning a girly kind of ‘Non-Violent Communication’…we can look that up if you’d like..” then let him find that himself, or with you – and that’s something you can try together if he wants…let him LEAD….Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:10am

  277. 277: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I am shutting my Zumba classes for Summer as I always do.

    I am so looking forward to having some spare time and space over the summer to do the things I want to do!

    And this year I have decided that I will use some of the time for improving my diet and nutrition, cooking more, stretching daily and also doing some toning exercises.

    I decided to invite my clients to join in with me and I will be creating a Facebook group for those wishing to join in. I will charge £30 to join and each week I will post videos with toning and stretch exercises to do and also nutrition ideas recipes etc.

    I think I am going to call it ‘Lets get fit together!’

    If anyone from here would like to join in you are also very welcome to.

    Here is a link to my Facebook Page that I currently use for my Pole Fitness and you can contact me if you are interested in joining in.

    Julie. x

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:12am

  278. 278: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
    A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
    Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present.
    A woman who has walked through her past.
    Who has healed into the present.

    Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
    A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
    Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

    Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
    A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
    Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

    Imagine a woman who honors the body of Goddess in her changing body.
    A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
    Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
    A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
    Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as a breath.

    Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
    A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
    Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

    Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
    A woman who produces original creations.
    Who refuses to color inside someone else’s lines.

    Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
    A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
    Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
    A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
    Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

    Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
    A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenger.
    Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

    Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
    A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
    Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

    Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
    A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
    Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

    Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
    A woman who is available to herself.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
    A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
    Who expects others to be challenged and blessed by her presence in their lives.

    Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
    A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
    Who has taken her rightful place beside them in the human community.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
    A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the necessary skills to navigate through the challenges of life.

    Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
    A woman who sits in circles of women.
    Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

    Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
    A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
    Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

    Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
    A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
    Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.

    Imagine yourself as this woman.”

    Patricia Lynn Reilly

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:13am

  279. 279: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ladies, i had a really busy day yesterday, going from the gym in the early morning to a jam packed day and work, straight to japanese class, and then straight to my best friend’s house for dinner and time with her family. I got home at 11 and went straight to bed.

    CL left a voice message while I was in the gym to see what my plans were for the weekend, and then emailed me a couple of times… nothing serious, just something early in the day with some music to listen to, and then again at the end of the day saying I must have had a busy day and that he would talk to me soon enough. And now he’s texting me, first thing the next day
    “Good morning starla. I’m starting to wonder what’s going on? Since I haven’t heard from you I guess the only assumption I can make is that you don’t want to talk any more? I don’t like the idea and I’m not trying to jump to conclusions or anything. I know you very well could be extremely busy or something to that tune. But if that’s the case, I would really appreciate just being told so. I hope your morning is going well and that everything between us is OK. I genuinely missed you yesterday and would very much like to hear from you.”

    WTF? It was ONE DAY I was busy and didn’t answer. WTF?

    I feel tempted to tell him, “you need to take a confidence pill and quit being so needy and clingy. it’s f*cking freaky, dude. if i can’t have one extremely busy where I don’t have time to get back to you, without waking up to something like this, then we should DEFINITELY stop talking. this is seriously NOT okay behavior.”

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:18am

  280. 280: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    No matter WHAT your age – what you describe is absolutely NOTHING!!! Unless I”m missing something here, you don’t see each other in person, you’re only texting? All he is is a friend – and a long-distance one as it is, and he’s got another woman he’s actually seeing? Or he’s just corresponding with both of you? If so – he’s a pen pal – and you can’t drive him away because you don’t have him close, and if you need someone to talk to about your health issues, as a friend – he’s as good as any. The thing is – he likes leaning on YOUR shoulder – but I don’t know what kind of ear he has for YOUR troubles. Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:23am

  281. 281: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel surprised that he is still communicating but now it’s me who doesn’t want to anymore….even more surprised about that.
    I used to feel pleasure when I saw an email from him pop up, now I feel pain. Aw, man.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:24am

  282. 282: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I don’t think a man who is losing the right to be a father in his kid’s life is the same as dealing with a depressed man. a depressed man has an ongoing, self-driven, chronic condition. a court hearing gone wrong is a one time deal.

    we’re all humans. i think being comforting and supportive is kind of important here. this can be done without overfunctioning or “fixing” anything (and seriously, she couldn’t fix it anyway. nothing will fix her guy’s disappointment right now.)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:26am

  283. 283: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    : Rori Raye says:
    Jan…If I talked with a man and then met him once and then he showed up at my workplace without calling or anything – I would feel like I was being stalked. So – apologizing is not the issue here – he thinks you’re crazy. Because you’re here and you sound lovely, I’m going to assume that you’re not crazy – but your actions are completely misguided, overfunctioning to the extreme, and…yes…bizarre. Do you see this? I know we can help you here, and first, you have to get how completely inappropriate it is to show up at a man’s workplace when you hardly know him (just started dating) – and how your instinct led you to completely chase a man. I hope you read everything here and ask questions, and we’ll help you understand how to reverse this…Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:27am

  284. 284: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Starla,

    I can feel you freaking out from overwhelming attention from this man.

    I experienced this too.
    I practiced feeling messages about feeling scared and under pressure, and how it would feel good to get to know each other more slowly.
    That was the only way to find out if the man respected my wishes and respected who I am. He did.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:29am

  285. 285: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Memulo, I feel yummy!

    Annie, I’m sorry your mom said that to you. It would feel like a punch to me also. :( I don’t know your story.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:29am

  286. 286: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel completely stumped about how to handle CL. My instinct is honestly to “correct” him and tell him he is being a clingy, creepy motherf*cker. You know, to “help” him in the future with other women.

    It’s just too bad… Our 2 dates were feeling really fun and then he self destructed like this.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:30am

  287. 287: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    april rose, it’s not the attention, it’s the “omg you didn’t talk to me for a day, so i am going to assume you don’t want to talk to me at all.”

    this is like the third or fourth time in 3 days he’s acting like this. he needs to freaking chill out. it’s insane.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:31am

  288. 288: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    So, added my new pic to POF, definitely more emails. Unfortunately one from a guy looking for no strings attached who sent me a pic of him in his underwear… nice package though, lol. Another guy who will be in town on business…. p-lease… let’s see what else pops up today. My boss is away on vacation, and office manager is out running errands… may be a nice and easy day at work. :)

    On a side note, soooo horribly tragic about what happened in Colorado. So scary that something like that can happen, anywhere, and I really don’t know what the solution is. :(

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:35am

  289. 289: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise those kinds I ignore.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:36am

  290. 290: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:


    Could you share exactly that with CL? “Our dates together felt so fun, but now I feel kind of scared and pressured and like this man I was enjoying is self-destructing.”

    IDK, I feel sad for him…I have been this guy – so full of anxiety and longing and not being able to stop himself. I get a sense that he knows he’s freaking out, but can’t refrain from asking for clarity and reassurance.

    Perhaps some “I want” and “I don’t want” messages would be helpful.

    Sending love to all the sirens today!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:37am

  291. 291: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla….. I’d cut him a little slack. He obviously really likes you… and maybe he is feeling insecure. Dating sucks most of the time, we hurt each other over and over… it gets old. No one wants to waste time. Obviously you were on his mind a lot, and he is hoping you feel the same. I’d tell him that you had a busy day, you do have a busy life… and that his email felt overwhelming to read after just a few dates. He felt ignored, we’ve all been there… maybe it triggered a past relationship for him.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:38am

  292. 292: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    A man will act how he acts. In the way he has learned.


    WE LET HIM KNOW how we want things to be. He is waiting to find out what we expect of him.
    If he is a good man he will follow your wishes to make you feel happy.

    You don’t seem to realise how much power you have to craft a man’s behaviour into something that feels good to you.
    Waiting for the perfectly-formed man to show up is … well…… a very long shot, I’d say.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:39am

  293. 293: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Oh how ironic
    I was feeling very ignored on the other blog, but here you all are

    Loads to read back on
    Tam, I am feeling confused about what you want with Mr U.So I expect he must be too

    I think ignoring is abuse if it is done with malicious intent, or as part of a game.
    Ifit is to step back to give someone sp[ace, then thats another thing altogether

    Radlove, I hope tonight goes beautifully

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:39am

  294. 294: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    oh i am crying i feel so upset, i just got the news about the massacre at the movie theater here last night.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:41am

  295. 295: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    If you have the experience of always meeting needy or controlling people, it is likely because you are also needy and controlling and don’t realize it.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:42am

  296. 296: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, When I heard the news this morning, I thought of you. I’m glad you are safe. It’s so sad…it feels like all the crazies live in Colorado and I’m feeling less and less safe here.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:43am

  297. 297: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I like what you said Pamelala and Turquoise.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:45am

  298. 298: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SuziQ says:
    As water seeks the lowest level point, and penetrates at the most invisible points, so do we seek and discover companions that are emotionally at our level.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:45am

  299. 299: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you, ladies, you have been EXTREMELY helpful about CL.

    I feel no interest in responding to him right now. I just feel full of grief.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:45am

  300. 300: Shar lean way backNo Gravatar says:

    Last night Sweetie asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He said liar. This morning I told him I was feeling overwhelmed. He wanted to fix it :) Sometimes it takes me a while to say what I”m feeling. Last night laying in bed, I thought of my Mother and how hard it was for her to express. Sometimes she wanted to “talk” to me, she would be struggling. My response was to go introvert and I would shut down.
    (( Mom ))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:49am

  301. 301: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 292 Such wise words April Rose.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:50am

  302. 302: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:

    FW @278


    I want to be that woman.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:52am

  303. 303: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    willl read back more a bit later

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:53am

  304. 304: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Shar it is always enlightening and we learn about ourselves when we bring things back to “me”.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:56am

  305. 305: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:57am

  306. 306: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I am okay. I hope my Japanese classmate’s okay. he was there last night, and who knows who else. Just waiting to find out. This is the second time me and my people have been through this, waiting to find out if everyone we know is okay from a massacre.

    I guess the most I can do right now is get on the train and go to work and not be afraid that it’s going to happen again. Not be afraid that some crazy person is going to freak out and start shooting on the train or something. Even if I’m crying today behind my dark glasses, I don’t want to feel afraid.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:58am

  307. 307: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Francesca

    Shar lean I felt triggered and angry at him calling you “liar”. But your emotional fitness and maturity shined through as you looked at yourself rather than lashing out at what could easily be perceived as criticism or making you wrong. Brava to you. I really honor you for taking that big step.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:58am

  308. 308: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:


    I’m confident you will handle this as the true Siren that you are.

    I’m also deeply sorry for what happened in CO.

    There was also a dramatic shooting in the Toronto area this past week.

    A friendly gathering turned into total chaos.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:01am

  309. 309: Shar lean way backNo Gravatar says:

    Love you FW :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:02am

  310. 310: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Remember Rori says “what you don’t love about yourelf triggers you.

    FW–wow that is food for thought

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:03am

  311. 311: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:06am

  312. 312: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:09am

  313. 313: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday, with K, I triggered about the way I’ve abused my own sexuality and some beliefs and fears I have about engaging fully with him.

    On Wednesday, I shared my entire abuse and resulting sexual addiction history with K and he was really great about it. Yesterday, as we were engaging in some play and petting, I found myself shutting down and getting upset with him for enjoying so much the way my body responds to his touch…and angry at my body for responding even though I was triggered and didn’t want to be sexual any more.


    K asked if I was OK…I betrayed myself and him and said yes. He came close and hugged me and asked what was going on…but I didn’t have to answer because he interpretted my thoughts correctly and assured me that the connection he feels with me is about the heart…and that sexuality is just a part of that.

    He asked if I was afraid that if we went “all the way” that things would just be downhill from there…or if I was thinking that consumating our relationship would make him care for me more…or both. I said, “both.”

    He assured me of what we’ve already talked about…that the goal of our relationship is intimacy and a deep heart connection and, eventually, marriage. He said that anyone can have sex, but it takes something special to connect at the level that we want to connect at (before having intercourse) and things will move forward as we grow more and more connected and won’t happen too soon and won’t sabotage our hearts.

    I feel like I’m rambling…but K’s words were really soothing and supportive. I’m thankful that he can find words when I can’t…I just tend to shut down when I’m triggered and have such difficulty finding words – that is the exact pattern of my behavior after the abuse of my childhood and early adulthood.

    I deserve to have a voice and will open my heart and find words to share my feelings better…even when I am triggered.

    Thanks for listening ladies…I’m so grateful to have a place to share these things so I don’t stuff it.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:10am

  314. 314: RadloveNo Gravatar says:



    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:18am

  315. 315: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala your comments remind me about some things I read

    “It takes a real man and real love to show actions to back up the words”

    “I feel accepted. I feel so happy just being me”.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:23am

  316. 316: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    Could you share your grief with him?

    I may be wrong but I get this sense of judgement from you (I own it as mine also) that ‘no man deserves the precious gift of my vulnerability’.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:25am

  317. 317: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    If I CD when my heart isn’t really in it because I am still in pain from last relationship, won’t my vibe be off?
    Sadness is not sexy, is it?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:29am

  318. 318: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,
    You being in your authentic feeling self is very attractive.
    I remember Jessie telling her story of a similar thing. The new man she met couldn’t wait to get close to her to ease the sorrow of her recent heartbreak.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:34am

  319. 319: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, FW.

    So far, K has been the kind of man whose actions consistently back up (or preceed) his words. I feel love and accepted by him…my struggle is to love and accept myself.

    I’ll be doing some EFT around that this weekend while he is away for work…the weekend is mine to heal and love on my friends and play.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:34am

  320. 320: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove says:



    I feel confused, what am I being asked Radlove?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:35am

  321. 321: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    No sadness is not sexy. But you would get to experience your sad heart if you do. “when my heart breaks it breaks open to hold more love”.

    CDating could shift your focus to happier experiences that little by little lifts your vibe.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:36am

  322. 322: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “The more faith you have in yourself and your destiny, the more you’ll enjoy the process of your life, whatever it brings.

    And the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you are to others – and the more positive your experiences become.

    And pretty soon, you’ll be having such a good time that your faith will naturally grow and grow, and your fear and confusion will become less intense, and less a part of it all… “

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:37am

  323. 323: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ” You need to TRUST – trust the woman you were that left him, trust that if it was meant to “get him to realize” the error of his ways it would have, trust that if he wanted what you wanted he would have done WHATEVER it took to work things out – and not have made him just want to be your “friend with benefits” while he’s a kid in a candy store.

    As for that new girlfriend of his – sounds like a classic rebound – it’s what weak men do when they’re hurting.

    They DIVE into the next woman that comes along, so they don’t have to feel their pain.

    Everything you’ve told me about him tells me he’s a weak man…

    There’s some very important things you need to know:

    First of all, studies show that if a man is going to marry you, the longer you’re with him the LESS likely he is to marry you.

    The average couple becomes engaged in 18 months.

    So, unless you started living together at the age of 12 or something, you were right to think he probably wasn’t going to ever commit if he hadn’t in seven years.

    Please stop talking to yourself as though you’re a heroine in a tragic love opera or something.

    All this talk about there being “no one else” for you and that “your life will never be the same” is just how you feel now because you’re grieving… but not the truth.

    It’s healthy to grieve. But it’s NOT healthy to tell yourself such scary lies.

    Because here’s the truth: life is long, and the world is full of wonderful men to love.

    You can’t ruin what’s meant to be, and you can’t fix what’s not”.

    Carol Allen

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:42am

  324. 324: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I love the poem you posted.

    The verse
    “Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
    A woman who is available to herself.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.”

    I am working on expressing this part of who I am, to EM.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:43am

  325. 325: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I would have liked to have a relationship with him, but when he knows that he runs. When I say ‘ok, let’s forget it’ he is on my case. Always been the pattern.
    He doesn’t want to call it a relationship presumably due to the pressure he feels from that word. When we had a heart to heart he said ‘I don’t know if I can do relatiinship, I am a bit of a hermit’.
    Then he said ‘let’s have a relationship ( when I was with someone else), then ‘let’s be
    friends with benefits’ and when I said that’s not for me he’ll say ‘let’s be platonic friends’ and ‘we want different things’, which is clear to me!
    Yet when we are together, I feel loved and he is totally into me, there has never been anyone else either….he has treated me as his gf in all but words, he calls it a ‘quasi- relationship’ (trigger). So last time I asked for it not to be sexual as Iwant a real relationshipor nothing. So he still did everything for/with me except sex and says ‘ I want to show you that this (us) is not just about sex’.
    So, what IS it about?????
    I have no idea.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:43am

  326. 326: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – emotional connection of the heart. Sex is just the icing on the top. I have had guys say to me “it is not about the sex” too.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:48am

  327. 327: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    so, does it matter what he calls it then, as long as you feel like you are loved and his GF??

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:53am

  328. 328: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    To me–When a guy that is obviously “into” you sexually says it’s not “just” about sex, they are trying to tell you that they have feelings for you.
    If a man is not into you as anything but a platonic friend the word “sex” is unlikely to come out of his mouth.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:53am

  329. 329: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    what a lovely man K seems to be

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:55am

  330. 330: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Awwww Radlove,

    199 – That felt really good to read. Why did you change your name?


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:55am

  331. 331: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells, I have had a guy say this to me, but it didn’t feel true to me. I know at some point he did have feelings for me, i felt disrespected, i didnt feel cared for, i didnt feel loved, i pretty much felt like it was all about the sex. He kept saying that it wasnt just about the sex but I didnt believe that.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:57am

  332. 332: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Bloom-ing,

    202 – I was actually talking about him that day. I leaned forward to say hi, but conversations got longer and longer until we got to that.

    Don’t feel tense!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:01am

  333. 333: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Jack and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

    And every year Jack would say,

    ” Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter ”

    Norma always replied,

    ” I know Jack , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

    And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

    One year Jack and Norma went to the fair, and Jack said,

    ” Norma, I’m 70 years old.

    If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

    To this, Norma replied,

    ” Jack, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

    The pilot overheard the couple and said,

    ” Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

    But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

    Jack and Norma agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of scary maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

    But still not a word…

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,

    ” By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed! ”

    Jack replied, ” Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out,

    But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! “

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:17am

  334. 334: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    330 – I don’t know, a couple of people seemed resistant to my other name, so I changed it. To me it was just about finding inner healing after a lifetime of being treated like pond scum.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:20am

  335. 335: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    I was simply giving you a hug.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:22am

  336. 336: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When you are depressed, you are NOT FEELING. Depression means you are close to NUMB. Sadness may come through, but the emotion that is most important to understanding and dealing with depression is ANGER.

    When you HELP a person who feels so angry and ashamed, you make them ANGRIER. You make them MORE depressed.

    You’re going to need to be able to Trust Your Boundaries in the face of a man letting go of years and years of anger that has NOTHING to do with YOU.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:23am

  337. 337: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    293 – Thank you!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:24am

  338. 338: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    Katie – stop pushing. Let him do what he wants. Trying to talk a man into anything is a losing proposition. It’s damaging all the way around. And – sorry – but I don’t think this is just about kindness. You FEEL compassionate and sad – but this is about YOU. You want to introduce him to your family, you want him to be DIFFERENT…you want to make change…this is controlling, manipulating – and, please stop it. You and he, if this works, will create NEW traditions for the two of you, and your family will slowly become a part of that. Just drop it. Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:24am

  339. 339: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Ladies and Ruth,
    I know he has feelings for me….I can feel it when we are together. The crux is that he does not seem to want to move forward and I just feel more and more insecure as time goes by. If I run, he will run after me as if his life depended on it…but now what have I got? I have a guy who says it’s not about sex, I like your company, then of course he is attracted to me and we can’t help but feel attracted..then he gets terribly frustrated if he makes a move sexually and I say ‘please don’t because I don’t feel emotionally safe outside a relationship’ – and I cen see he is hurting because he wants to be with me with all it entails but he can’t get himself to ‘seal the deal’….
    Sooooooooooo why? Before me he was together with what he calls his dream woman, a stunning beautiful tall blonde – a long distance relationship, they spoke every day and she was not divorced yet. Totally safe for him, he loved it – and he told everybody proudly: this is my girlfriend, everyone knew. AND when they split up he lost loads of weight, announced his pain on his fb etc etc (I could still see that but we met about 8 months after it happened). So it’s not like he can’t admit to having a relationship, it’s that there is something stopping him of going the full way with ME.
    I do not inspire him to commit fully, for whatever reason…and I am so tired of it.
    He knows I like him, perhaps he doesn’t know I love him but I believe that we both know how we feel about each other, it’s kind of obvious and even our friends pick up on it….as much as he is not a PDA man, he makes sure he always pushes everybody out of the way who stands or sits next to me (his place) and will grab my hand occasionally in front of friends (which surprises me also).
    I don’t know what’s stopping him, but something is.

    And now all I get is emails like: the weather is nice, have a great time bla bla bla, and how happy he is to be selling up and leaving. It just doesn’t even inspire me to read them anymore let alone reply.

    It is so sad. he is such a difficult and angry man but he is so sweet to me, and so caring and it feels so amazing when we are together…being with him would make for a pretty unconventional relationship, as he is quite a loner in some ways (but also clingy in others, he loves my company)….but I was quite willing to try it with him, you know, but it does take two to tango and I am not hoping anymore.
    Everytime we get together, he will ask me about whether I had any serious dates etc (basically we all know what he wants to hear), and then he will tell me that he has not dated anyone seriously, and is almost miffed that I have…but it still does not inspire him to ‘claim’ me.
    And, to be honest, sometimes I think one of the reasons why he is not getting intimate with anyone else is that most women wouldn’t put up with the nonsense (he is difficult)….especially when you don’t know that he is a very good guy underneath all that. I believe given opportunities, he’d go for it just like I did/do.
    So, no idea what the deal is. Right now it’s just pleasantries via email and it’s not enough for me.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:25am

  340. 340: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    april rose 316
    i mean my grief over the massacre, not him being a putz

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:27am

  341. 341: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    There is only one way to handle this – and that’s the Siren way – to leave him be. That doesn’t mean cut him off necessarily, or be mean – it just means drop the conversation and get out there and Circular Date to improve your own sense of yourself, to see that there ARE other men out there, and to grow your opinion of yourself and shift your vibe. Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:27am

  342. 342: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam…. i feel what u feel. I have been there, and still am to a certain extent. But after three years we are in the same position and so I have decided to put him and our relationship in my past.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:28am

  343. 343: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    d*mn I feel really sad, and what’s interesting is my sadness has this default position of going back to “being about” CF.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:31am

  344. 344: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thanks for the link to the depressed man article. I was going to ask where to find it. Mr. Conversation has told me a few times he feels depressed, but then other times he seems good. I’m interested in reading the article.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:31am

  345. 345: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome turquoise. Knowledge is power and even if he is not clinically depressed it will not hurt to know how to “create safety for a depressed man”.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:34am

  346. 346: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW and Miss Bells, actually he said something about his dream ex girlfriend that surprised me also last time (because everytime a stunning blonde walks past us he will go blurry eyed and say: ‘awww, she looks just like my ex’)…..when I questioned him about the relationship, he used to always say how lovely she was and how they talked everyday etc.
    And last time he said: ‘actually, to be honest, it was mainly about sex’ (she was in the middle of a divorce etc). I don’t know if he meant for her or him or both – but she finished it so I think for her it was just a bit of fun to travel to Fl once a month…he never met any of her friends/family.
    And yeah, to me he said ‘I want to show you this is not just about sex’.
    So what is missing for him? If it’s about the whole thing, why is it not enough to inspire him?
    That’s the reason why I just feel like screaming nowadays when he gets into contact because he is playing ‘friends only’. ARGH!!!
    I feel angry and impatient and I just want to hear out of his mouth that he has no feelings for me and he will never want me. Because I want to stop even thinking about him.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:37am

  347. 347: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon, that is exactly what I fear also. It just goes on and on.

    And yes, like I said, I have dated and dated and even had a relationship in the middle of it all…and yet we always get drawn to each other. I suspect that if I was there all the time we would be together, BUT he would still keep it loose and not call it a relationship and go on dating sites etc etc. He is still searching and so I let him be. I do not see much more use in making contact.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:40am

  348. 348: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla honey

    I know you meant your grief over the massacre.

    It feels like such a present, authentic part of you right now.
    I often hear your judgements but I don’t feel your vulnerability.

    Would you be willing to share that part of you with a man? any man? To practice being vulnerable with a man…?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:41am

  349. 349: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I am not sure you will hear that. Just yesterday a 59 year old widow was telling me she told one man who wants her “you are a piece of sh!*t” last year because he keeps texting her how much he wants her. She says that was her last text to him BUT he keeps contacting her. She wants marriage, he doesn’t so she walked.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:42am

  350. 350: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, april rose:)
    just not this guy right now, lol

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:43am

  351. 351: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I meant ‘I don’t often feel your vulnerability’

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:44am

  352. 352: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @148 Starla

    Yes, I had I think about 146 in 24 hours. Also, sometimes when they just add you as a favorite, it’s because they don’t meet the criteria you allowed to be able to contact you. When you get the message they want to meet you, that isn’t automatic, it is because they used that one meet me screen and clicked yes to your photo.

    I was completely overwhelmed too.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:44am

  353. 353: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced sharing feeling messages with men and finding that they become very patronizing after. Sort of like, I am sorry you feel hurt ect ect. Almost like it makes them feel powerful that they have hurt you? Maybe it is just me…

    (((((sirens)))))) (((((me)))))) (((((((men)))))))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  354. 354: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i think i could make a choice not to be depressed. i can feel sadness but not let it “hurt” me.

    I could put back on that slight smile that I always have on, and raise my vibe.

    there is such a pull into the sadness and depression, though.

    and i don’t want to stuff my feelings either, but i think i actually CAN have them coexist inside of me in a way that doesn’t hurt my health or vibe.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:46am

  355. 355: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    No, he’s not clinically depressed, but situationally. He has a lot of crap going on…. I do feel bad for him because I’ve been there. I feel so relieved to be beyond all that in my life.

    I liked reading about creating a safe space for him… and it was a good reminder that he will be angry at times, and may lash out or over-react to me at times. He had a horrible childhood, and has recently really started to open up to me. On our first date he told me so many crazy things, and what he liked most about me is that he said he never opens up like this to anyone, but we talked for 3 hours that night…. now, to keep it in perspective, we had emailed a few years ago for several months. So, I’m not a totally NEW person to him. But it’s still like that. We talk and talk and talk… so I guess that means he feels safe with me.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:48am

  356. 356: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala, K sounds great, and I can really relate to what you wrote above about when you got triggered. I am happy for you that things are working out well

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:54am

  357. 357: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam. So have I. Its been three years and I have been in relationships in between and dated many people. What feels bad to me is that HE has also been in relationships but when it comes to me he seems scared to go there.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:58am

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    New Siren yes. But I am learning to ask myself “why do I feel________________”. Most of the times I come up with a past experience (school, parents or with people in power) that I can like the feeling to.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:00am

  359. 359: New SirenNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, youare right. It does trigger me from past experiences so I guess it is a chance to look at that and grow…but part of me wants to lash out and rebalance the power scale. Such as saying well I am totally fine without you, and then act really cold. I will have to work on this…

    Thanks for responding:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:03am

  360. 360: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    So today a client cancelled last minute and it gave me some time to get some much needed practice on the pole.

    I was able to use my new I phone to take videos of myself practicing and I feel SO excited.

    It feels great to be able to watch them back and see what looks good, what needs amending etc.

    One thing I realised is that I need to go MUCH slower than I thought, and really make the most of each move.

    My dancing looks SO much more sensous when I can get into my feminine energy and just slow down and be and touch.

    It helped to imagine being in love with EVERYTHING around me, especially the pole and the floor as I danced with them.

    To touch them gently and concentrate on them, and my own body, to really be in my own body and feel it as it moved dancing.

    When I did this the whole thing just looked and felt a million times better.

    I felt truly suprised about just how slow I need to go to make it look really sensual! And to really enjoy each move.

    The whole experience also showed me how it feels to really be in my feminine energy, and I think I can carry that with me, and pull it out whenever I need it, including when in the company of men.

    How exciting!


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:06am

  361. 361: turquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    In a recent conversation with Mr. Conversation…. he sent me this…
    I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care because I do. You’ve been a better friend to me than anyone I’ve known in a long time and I appreciate that so much more than I can express. I feel guilty about how good you are to me. But more than that I really like you and see so much good in you.

    My response: Wow…. I feel surprised to hear that. Thank you.

    Him: I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear all along. :(

    I’ve really tried to lean back, not add any pressure to him… just enjoy the time we have together and since he’s not available, I have no expectations. It does feel like he puts up a wall between us sometimes, so it’s one opportunity after another to practice, to lean back… focus on myself and how I feel, and not assume anything about him.

    I do feel for him though, because I remember how hard it was when I was newly separated. Just such a back and forth tug of emotions.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:06am

  362. 362: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    If not now, when? And with whom?

    You have a ‘practice person’ right in front of you.

    When are you going to open yourself up?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:07am

  363. 363: TamNo Gravatar says:

    356 Emoticon…hm…yeah, well at least I can say that MrU never had anyone else, but I don’t know if that is through lack of trying or because he couldn’t find anyone. The latter is unlikely, he is extremely attractive in a rough kind of way, and also very intelligent….so if he wanted to, he could have a shave, put on a nice shirt and it would take him 5 minutes to find someone to sleep with or date.
    Hm….I think he is just not that bothered with relationships and having his freedom curbed…but he has a longing too.
    I probably wouldn’t talk to him anymore, if he’d have had gf’s and just wouldn’t want to make ‘me’ official…wow. No way Jose.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:10am

  364. 364: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, this dude seems kind of unstable and I have other guys who have texted me to check on me this morning and i am speaking with them about how i feel today.
    i get what you’re trying to say

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:10am

  365. 365: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    having been clinically depressed in the past(and having treated loads of depressed patients over the years), it isnt something you can “just snap out of” or “choose not to feel”

    Im not talking about just feeling a bit down, but about true clinical depression

    This helped me a lot at the time

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:14am

  366. 366: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    @ tam
    Maybe the NC would be the best thing, but I think you might need to tell him that

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:15am

  367. 367: TamNo Gravatar says:

    352 New Siren, yes, recently. I shared a whole lot of things through mostly feeling messages and my beau said:
    ‘I am happy you are doing so well, keep up the good work’
    which I found terribly patronising, much like I am on his couch and he is my shrink.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:15am

  368. 368: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, we had been exclusive for a very short while, but he acts like going back there is the absolute last thing he’s interested in doing.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  369. 369: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    A guy sends me and email and a picture of his D8ck and the first thought that goes through my head is “ewwww” so i said that. Honestly if i dont know you and feel like we are close friends or lovers and i feel disgusted by unwarranted pictures of ur genitals.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  370. 370: TamNo Gravatar says:

    365 Ruth, I don’t know if I should tell him. Fact is that is I stop replying to his latest email (which needs no reply in any case), then it will just stop. It will stop until in 3-4 weeks time he is inquiring if I am still alive.
    I find it weird to say ‘I will stop contact with you now”
    It doesn’t make so much sense, seems a bit flippant. I did already tell him that I am not sure we can be friends and that I know he will understand if at some point I slip away.
    So he can work it out, I think that will be ok.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  371. 371: TamNo Gravatar says:

    367 Emoticon, can you let go of him or is he still trying to contact/see you?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:20am

  372. 372: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    oh my gosh just read about the shooting. ((colorado)) so scary.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:22am

  373. 373: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Hey girls, I went to see Karl Wolf with my little fellow at the Festival and had a blast….there wasnt too many people there so we were very close.

    It was my little fellows first concert and he was so excited to see someone sing live for him that is famous!

    I put him on my shoulders and he waved his arms and yelled when the other people yelled.

    I cleared my mind and just enjoyed the moment.

    It was a lot of self love along with baby momma love.

    We went on the fair and rides and ate awesome food.

    My little fellow translated everything cause he speaks really good arabic…he called me yamma…which is momma in arabic all night without realizing it and sometimes said stuff in arabic without realizing he had flipped over out of english…hes only 5 so thats common.

    A childs mind is unbelievable for its capacity to grow, learn, remember and experience.

    I remember being young and innocent like that

    My anxiety of pleasing my Beau took me out of my head and away from the beauty of the presents moments that we have each and every day.

    Love and Kisses to alll

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  374. 374: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    And then what will you do in 3-4 weeks?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:25am

  375. 375: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @223 Memulo

    Yes, I know that is what she wants and is trying to accomplish. I don’t want to get into details, but she’s gone really overboard and is pretending to be someone else and now this person’s character doesn’t look good to other people.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:25am

  376. 376: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    He still tries to see me. I have told him that I dont want to see him/ sleep with him or anything anymore and he tried to convince me otherwise. He said I confuse him etc. I made it very simple and (not a FM but….) said that if i had a checklist of what I need from my man on his sheet I would be checking off sex. He said that I want to be his whole world etc.
    I ended it by simply telling him I do not want to sell myself short.After that I blocked his messages from coming to my phone so he decided to send me a FB messgage telling em that he came out to the Caribbean Carnival and saw me in it and that I looked nice. I sent a smiley face and that was that.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  377. 377: TamNo Gravatar says:

    368 Emoticon, OMG, too funny…nobody here will believe me that people do that – is it a US thing?
    One guy once asked me if I would send him naked pics of me, and I said that he should go first (not expecting anything) – and he did it…with a card over his piece saying ‘happy birthday’ because it was my birthday. I was impressed…but later that got my line and I had already two guys send me pictures of their ‘John Thomas’s’ and I must say, it was really ewwwwwwww..but I showed it to my friends here in Europe and we had a big giggle – they didn’t believe me!! Hahaha. But it’s really ewwww. 😉

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  378. 378: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam 3-4 weeks is normally how long it lasts when we are not in contact. I forgot to mention that when he did have a gf he ended up cheating on her with me and their relationship ended because of that.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  379. 379: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella @359

    Sounds good! :)

    I wish I could see that, will you post it on your FB page or is it just for your own experience?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:30am

  380. 380: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam ikr, I have enjoyed getting pics of that just ONE TIME, when me and that CD were exclusive and We were away from each other for a couple months. So i guess i did want to see it.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:30am

  381. 381: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @234 Smile, Lily M

    I feel we need to lean forward periodically to show him that it’s not all him. I know if I was the man and it was always me, I would feel that way too.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  382. 382: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    English men also like to send photos of their “bits”

    No thank you!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  383. 383: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ella- Yummy

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  384. 384: TamNo Gravatar says:

    373 Ruth, traditionally I would just reply to him. After 3/4 weeks. But it never felt great, much like him checking in to see if I was still ‘open’ – which is why I have an issue with staying open…
    The man has a different timeline to mine, he is not in a rush. The only time I ever saw him in a rush was when once be believed I had gotten married (my phone was broke and he thought I’d cut him off). When he found out that I was single instead of married, he was outside me door within the hour lol.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  385. 385: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t think it’s fair to judge him as unstable at this stage.
    Especially as you haven’t taken the trouble to tell him how you feel and how you wish to be approached.

    Sorry for pushing you. I’m also talking to myself here, and I’m learning to fine-tune the craft of letting a man know who I am and what I want.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  386. 386: TamNo Gravatar says:

    381..they doooooo???? Not the ones I have known!! Then again, they were all a bit ‘stiff upper lip’ rather than stiff anything else, academics etc.
    That’s too funny Ruth! Hehehehehe

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  387. 387: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Emoticon….I agree with you….COc# pics are disgusting….and not attractive at all.

    To me it shows me someone who is very interested in collecting ur naked pics too….this may not even be his actual privates and you have sent ur pic with ur parts hung out and hopefully not ur face in such a gross way.

    It also shows someone who is agressive about sexuality and I find probably someone who thinks that sex is all about the parts and not feelings…

    I cant have sex with strangers…and I dont want to change or learn how to be those people who can….I told lots of men that…my heart and body is a package and I have no plans to seperate it….or I say do you think I am ur free hooker???

    They usually write back wow thats a big no…lol

    Hopefully they find the kind of girl that they are looking for but Im certainly not it…lol

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:34am

  388. 388: TamNo Gravatar says:

    377 – Emoticon, spooky, do men get withdrawal symptoms of us after 3 weeks?
    Hm. So he is a cheater, your guy? Could you ever trust him?????

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:35am

  389. 389: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam “much like I am on his couch and he is my shrink”. Flip that and think how a man likely feels when we think we are showing care and giving help.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:35am

  390. 390: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon @368

    Ewww, for sure.

    Double ewww.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:36am

  391. 391: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    “.my heart and body is a package and I have no plans to seperate it”


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:39am

  392. 392: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    English men can be absolutely filthy!

    Its quite funny

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:39am

  393. 393: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    Even if it’s just to say
    “I feel turned off”.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  394. 394: TamNo Gravatar says:

    388 FW, good point!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  395. 395: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    it would feel great to be able to vent about what i’m going through and not be told to see things differently.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  396. 396: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe men are men. They love their body parts and some will show them off. I believe us women could use a lesson from them in that regard.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  397. 397: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    365 – Thanks! This book looks superb. I hope to get it soon.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:42am

  398. 398: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Great post jessie

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  399. 399: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    France (ewwwwww)^3

    I have NO interest in men who do that.

    I DO NOT want a husband with D*CK pics in every girls phone and email. WTF. No thanx. Moving on……

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  400. 400: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m at work and i don’t feel good AT ALL using my work time for anything with men that doesn’t feel totally good. if i’m busy, and interacting with them feels bad, then i will stop, and use my busy time how i choose.

    on the other hand, if they’re distracting me with stuff that makes me feel good, then that feels totally okay with me:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:44am

  401. 401: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Tam 366

    Ya, I was reading that post you made and I really identified with it, my ex said something very similar over email. I said It hurts me to talk to you, and he said I am sorry you are hurting. I can’t help you. Which is fair enough but it just felt like wow, I open up and he doesn’t and it’s like he is on higher ground then me…arghhhh

    Oh well. I am trying not to email him anymore because it feels like he wants to constantly hear how I am hurting over him but not share or open up himself. Plus I work with him! lol


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  402. 402: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    this is all going very well & i feel like a magician….. however, i also feel like “pretend” like “fake it till you make it” but i’m going to keep faking it because i feel sure i’m really making it : ))

    lovely days to all the ladies…. it is very sunny & scary here.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  403. 403: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

    If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming. The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

    if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:46am

  404. 404: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    My pleasure radlove

    What are you wearing tonight then?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:47am

  405. 405: TamNo Gravatar says:

    391- Ruth, I must have been sheltered, I lived in Guernsey for 11 years and Wales before that…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:47am

  406. 406: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW re depression
    I agree with you and Rori up to a point
    In that the depersonalisation is *part * of it

    but not the whole kit and caboodle

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:48am

  407. 407: TamNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, Radlove, it’s date night with R!!!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:50am

  408. 408: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, Welsh men are no better LOL

    I am in wales right now

    Reading about your issues with your CD is interesting Starla.
    I guess men might feel the same when we get too keen.
    If i ever saw a good case for leaning back, that is it

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:51am

  409. 409: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “That’s the thing. When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more. Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

    When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

    And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.”

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:51am

  410. 410: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t made any decisions yet.

    I have this issue. I feel myself wanting to be bossy and controlling with Mr. Observant. I’ve been trying to stay out of his business, but now that I’ve been dragged in, it’s been hard to stay out. I find myself having a ton of opinions and making statements about what he should or shouldn’t do.

    Yesterday, I told him I was going to lecture him for a second. I told him, not to do something he was doing because if he got caught, she could use it against him as being unsafe for the kids. It was nothing that everyone doesn’t do, but he really needs to think about these things because she is looking for anything and everything to get him. He agreed with me and gave me a smile. About 5 minutes later, he did it again and I said, what did we just talk about? He giggled and said, yes, I have to remember that.

    I feel worried she is going to get him on something so stupid because he isn’t thinking like her. It’s kind of scary to think that even though I’m not a devious, vindictive B(tch, I would be VERY good at it if I chose to be. I know I can outsmart anyone when I really want to. People so underestimate me. I could create big probs for her as well, if I chose to. However, I really don’t want to have to do that because it would only hurt the kids more.

    I’ve been holding back from saying a ton more because I don’t want to be that opinionated, controlling girl, but I also feel compelled to do what I can to help him protect himself. I mean, I’m feeling very masculine right now. Although, I was feminine energy yesterday too. I did let him treat me to dinner, he went all out and even served up my plate of food. He’s really sweet!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:53am

  411. 411: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Emoticon! Of course you can use it…I got it from this blog lol

    And wow, it really diffuses the situation and one guy that heard me say that told me wow….That is something that I can respect….

    Honestly girls, from the people I know…sex is better when you wait for it…its hotter, its warmer, its funner and its passionate….doing stuff cause ur horny is OK and I have done that but….a guy can tell by ur shyness if you have been around the block and if you havent been….

    If you are seriously looking for long term with someone, look at that mystery man as someone that you want to save yourself for…cause he deserves you and he will enjoy you and your beauty and he is waiting for you out there and you are waiting for him too….when guys see that….they understand you are committed to your own body, your own feelings and your own passion ….the doesnt come from one night stands….it comes from connection and talking….

    I made my little fellows daddy wait for like 6 months…omg it was so hard…I couldnt cuddle on the couch with him cause I knew that it would be ON!!!!

    So we went out alot…we didnt make out alot cause it was difficult….I told him Im waiting for the right guy and i want to have kids and Im not settling for you yet cause I dont know you….

    When we had sex the first time…OMG it was so loving and wonderfull and no SKILLS stuff ….there was no need to worry about who could do what or how well or who was the best….we just couldnt keep our hands off each other because we loved each other through and through….

    BTW the other guys that didnt get me, used to see us together and say to me…so he CAUGHT You and we couldnt eh? LOL

    I had to find my boundaries and I had to commit to my beliefs that I really wanted something GREAT and not something quick, or a flash in the pan like the booty call

    PLUS, I avoided diseases….MY Girlfriend who thinks IM a prude (and I am actually until I find the right guy) whos barely had a relationship last longer than 6 to 9 months….has way more sex than i do…and she has skills…she told me in bed…she swings from the chandelier…but she has never been married….she is talked bad about in her town, the guys look for her in bars and pass her around….shes slept with the whole tragically hip and bragged to me about it and WOW I was sad for her….to me that wasnt a conquest at all….

    Anyway, there are bad boys and good boys out there that will love your stance on sex if you love yourself for it and ur not just trying to manipulate anything….

    Remember u are a prize….Including ur heat and energy and passion in the bedroom…Prizes are sought after and not given away….!

    Make them work for your kisses!

    Make them show themselves first in order to get to love you!!!

    Make them know that you dont take shit!

    LOve to all of you


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:54am

  412. 412: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    The righteous ‘telling’ the righteous….

    I intend to let go of controlling the outcome.

    I will focus on me.

    I am a feisty lady too. But I have other shades and colours that I wish to explore.
    Come with me?
    It’s an invitation.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:57am

  413. 413: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    I haven’t decided. I am playing with the idea of wearing a shocking pink, low cut swim suit under a button down black shirt, worn open, with black jeans. I will try that on and if I don’t like it, then I am thinking of wearing a brown tank top with diamond sequins around the neckline under a sheer blouse that has a neck beneath the neckline of the tank top. It has a paisly design with maroon, pink, brown, black, and white. And also black jeans.

    Or I could wear a leopard print dress. Is that too much for a bar when he is used to seeing me in jeans?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:58am

  414. 414: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    regarding pictures… i found it funny listening to my man & his friend last night… his friend is dating girls & he was saying how he kept feeling like he had to reassure this one girl that he wouldn’t text her all the time or text her sexy messages or text her pictures….& he suddenly realized that she actually was ASKING him to do that…. sharing her experiences with it… inviting him to do it & he felt super freaked out lol……… he said he had to start ignoring her texts more than half the time… man did not even have that kind of behavior on his radar… he was like, people do that ?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:58am

  415. 415: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, oh I looooove Wales. I just didn’t stay cause there were no jobs late 90’s….

    New Siren….hmmm….yes, condescending. At least I knew my guy wouldn’t open up even if I went first, second and third, him telling me he was shy was the biggest thing he probably ever told me. He is a tough case. But remember we open up for ourselves, to be authentic and speak our truth. If they don’t follow, we have done our ‘job’. I feel sad for them because it sure feels good to open up, it must be terrible to bottle up everything and then act condescending and patronising, don’t you think? let’s practice compassion for those hardened hearts….

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  416. 416: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, this is such a great post!! I don’t always comment, but alllwaaays reading what you have to say!!
    When my man gets upset, I generally let him have his space…I don’t chase him- haha, I’ve actually learned a lot from you here!

    I don’t know if this is off subject, but somehow I feel it connects. I read this article ***From the Perpective of a Man!!*** He talks about what it’s like to be criticized and what he loves about how his girfriend is sooo different…I wonder if this could contribute to us women here? I LOVED reading it!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  417. 417: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So – take your time before you make judgments about what is or isn’t possible.

    The only thing you need to know, from the first moment to the present moment, is if a man’s energy is coming TOWARD you.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:01am

  418. 418: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    woah sadness
    i need validation
    and i also don’t think i’m ready to date
    i have more work to do on me
    so scared to be alone!
    i’m getting old!
    help! time is my enemy!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  419. 419: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    How about this for a Mantra: Confidence is the fall-back position. (I just made that up.)

    I SAY IT IS. Go ahead, say it: “I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

    Touch your body – softly, slowly, and every time you touch it where it feels good and soft and smooth and YOURS – say it out loud.

    I’m going to the mirror right now…let me know how it feels to FEEL GOOD in your own skin.

    Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:07am

  420. 420: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, my friend found the man of her dreams at 50, and she had been through some long term relationships…life is not about a ‘goal’ it’s about riding the waves and dealing with constant change. She tells me at 36 I have plenty of time and have learnt a lot more than what she knew that age.

    So you are even further down the line. You know more than most women twice your age.

    Please re-joice in the amazingness that is you. You know I am right.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:07am

  421. 421: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i think i’m going to puke
    the world is scary

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:07am

  422. 422: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.I love wales too
    Cardiff has changed so much since the 90s though

    The only trouble is the weather! Wehave a 10% incidence of sever vitamin D deficiency here cos there is not much sun!

    Radlove-whooooooooo! Nice! Hope you have a great time

    Anyway, ladies, must love you and leave you as i now have to drive back to England
    its ben interesting and informative, as always

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:08am

  423. 423: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  424. 424: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, you are keeping us going here….

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:10am

  425. 425: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, breathe


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:10am

  426. 426: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Aww Linda that felt so wonderful to be called a jewel :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:11am

  427. 427: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, you are so right, compassion and understanding forthem and ourselves:)


    I know I am new to the blog but I have been reading the posts for a long time…I am so excited that it is finally “date night” for you and R! I hope it goes ubber great! The brown sequin outfit sounds like the best bet, not too much not too little.
    Hope you have a blast.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  428. 428: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    “Starla, my friend found the man of her dreams at 50, and she had been through some long term relationships…life is not about a ‘goal’ it’s about riding the waves and dealing with constant change. She tells me at 36 I have plenty of time and have learnt a lot more than what she knew that age.

    So you are even further down the line. You know more than most women twice your age.

    Please re-joice in the amazingness that is you. You know I am right.”

    I wonder how it would feel drop the belief that there is only one person out there for me and other than that one person everybody is just going to last a couple months in my life.

    I wonder how it would feel to be in a long term relationship and have kids in my thirties but then meet someone else in my fifties who i fall for and thats who i stay with to the end of my days.

    I dont even feel unhappy at all thinking about that possibility. I actually feel relieved. Liek a load just dropped off my shoulders. I don’t need to find my forever person now. i just need to find Mr. FeelGoodRightNow!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  429. 429: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, you are so right, compassion and understanding forthem and ourselves:)


    I know I am new to the blog but I have been reading the posts for a long time…I am so excited that it is finally “date night” for you and R! I hope it goes ubber great! The brown sequin outfit sounds like the best bet, not too much not too little.
    Hope you have a blast.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  430. 430: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

    He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.”

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:21am

  431. 431: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @236-240 Tam

    1st post didn’t go through. I feel you are doing beautifully. We are all going through some kind of process. Hugs to you!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:22am

  432. 432: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I used to live in Cathays, middle of Cardiff, saw some funny things, including a girl and boy engaged in a bj in my garden. Crikey.
    My best relationship was with a Welsh boy, he adored me, 5 years it was and just because we were so young our lives kind of diverged, he is still one of my best friends.
    No rickets..haha..we need the sun, that’s why I am aiming for Florida, 18 years UK I was sun deprived 😉
    Have a safe drive!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:22am

  433. 433: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon, I believe in that too, very much so. Just that my friend was in toxic relationships, so for her it is now a new start with an amazing man.
    I agree that there are many amazing men. I found one in my early 20’s – and for sure there is one out there for right now too.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  434. 434: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  435. 435: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, thank you!! I feel like I am not moving forward at all sometimes, so glad you feel differently 😉

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  436. 436: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know, when a person’s name changes to Facebook User, does that mean they blocked me or that they disabled their account?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  437. 437: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW no guy eevr wants to be friends with me. So guess they all really do have feelings for me but for some reason don’t want the whole cow.

    Bloom-ing’s synopsis of ME must be right. They love me but cant handle being with a goddess. Some guys out there can though I feel SURE of that because I have ex boyfriends.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  438. 438: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Liliy Medusa hehe I feel glad you liked it it felt healing for md :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:29am

  439. 439: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed – it felt fun sometimes but a lot of lonely

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:30am

  440. 440: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, Ladies – off for a night of fun with my bestest girlfriend from school days. I feel lucky..

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:32am

  441. 441: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    The two guys that I just recently cut contact with have told me in the past that they have no interest in being friends with me, when i had become exclusive with one guy for a short while. But i FEEL like their friend, well one more than the other.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  442. 442: BelleNo Gravatar says:


    My entire life has changed. I’m not kidding.
    I’ll start a blog soon to write about all of this because it is amazing how much is shifting and shifting and shifting and shifting and OMG OMG OMG!!!! Goodness!

    I was very aware that being attracted to a toxic man reflected that I was toxic, I just didn’t know what to do with it. Last night dreamed a very vivid dream of a woman who had massive varicose veins and huge tubes of oozing goo and I asked her, “So, what’s causing this?”
    “Thoughts.” She responded. “They have nowhere to go.” So one of the tubes broke open and started draining and I woke up and have been romping through my imagination making peace with every frigging memory getting exactly what I want and need from them all day.

    My imagination is on my side now!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  443. 443: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @272 (((Annie)))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  444. 444: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    YAY Belle. I fele very interested in seeing your blog when it comes about.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:39am

  445. 445: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    When i feel disinterested in a guy on POF i feel so sorry for him. awwwww man but thats how i feel i cant help it. And they always try to convince me that I should get to know them. I probably should but when i have 10 guys to pick from, i dont feel like I should use my time getting to know guys i feel turned off by.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  446. 446: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh damn no I want mr forever now

    I want it forever

    Or else I suppose I can have kids by myself w the assistance of my army of men ?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:02am

  447. 447: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel pain and panic that I ‘can’t’ answer every man :(

    And I quickly lose cute men not answering.

    That’s what I think!!! Aahh I don’t return their calls. I have like 10 voicemails

    So much stress wat if it could be ok ?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  448. 448: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Men being silly and violent is a tribute to their women being silly and violent

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:08am

  449. 449: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Men always follow our spiritual lead

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:09am

  450. 450: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be bigger than all this
    my visions go unfulfilled still
    i want my house clean:P. It’s not
    I want my body clean and happy. It’s still kind of not.
    i want to be totally debt free.
    i want to go to amazing places

    i’m scared i will always be romantically alone.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:10am

  451. 451: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Omg this overwhelm and icky walled off layer of protection does Bot feel good!

    So wat if I forget who u are I don’t know I and if u were insistent enough you would knoe me sp there


    I wrote it

    Now to believe it in a non violent way

    Translate to feel messages

    I feel nauseous thinking that I’m losing men

    I feel panicked and like im letting strangers in my house where I am not used to that

    I want to feel comfortable w that hospitality

    I want to feel nourished not drained

    That would feel like my alone safety


    How can I let a man in to my alone safety

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:13am

  452. 452: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I let me and CF down by not being better emotionally
    I feel so confused because he let us down too
    I feel so abandoned
    I feel scared to let go and trust the universe
    I feel like I’ll never connect with anyone

    I want to go home and cry and snuggle under my covers and watch movies and just hide from the world

    and i miss smoking pot because that would cheer me right up, lol

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:16am

  453. 453: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I feel like puking too but not for the same reasons.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:17am

  454. 454: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I still feel like he’ll be back
    I don’t see much settling for less happening
    I dont’ know what’s going on with me
    I feel like really incapable of having a relationship with any of these other men who are interested in me
    And I also think it just might be because I’m not at all ready and not over the last one
    And I have so much to learn still on my own
    And I feel so alone

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:21am

  455. 455: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    This is the third man I’m talking to in the hour

    Oops after the convo I don’t feel good
    I feel dissapointed and unworthy and unskilled and

    Not getting what I want

    Not receiving cuz its coming but I don’t like it

    Hold on to his collar

    Beat myself up for it

    I love my thought pattern

    Mmmm. Love and healing I feel and share w my thought pattern

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:27am

  456. 456: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel do left out Nd ‘hurt’

    How can people ignore me this way

    They are closed off to me

    Ouch that feels sad

    And also fun icy slippery

    I don’t have to try to get inside them

    I can Letem slip around me and we play that way


    Ice love

    Way Abt volcano love.

    I feel scared of volcano

    I feel drained by check check check

    I feel batty eyelid anxious

    I can tap for this I do t wana tap for this

    I feel so torqued


    Cat wants love

    I got up for cat

    I wana fuchk cat

    Well more like stuck my hands in it and eat it


    I have such an attraction to it

    And cuddlies

    That’s how I feel Abt myself too

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  457. 457: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love my squeeze it pull it feeling

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  458. 458: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe I should make my profile a bit more specific, so that it actually REDUCES the number of people who contact me.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  459. 459: siren songNo Gravatar says:


    i feel similarly sometimes.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  460. 460: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    actually Radlove – i want to be honest and say i felt very shocked and then ashamed and defensive when i read the wordsa bout not wanting to have lived like that or that it woulda felt awful or something

    i notice im feeling angry too

    i appreciate your care and also it feels … confusing and weird

    i feel good about my childhood it felt exciting and i believe humans are wise when born and my experience felt awesome and i want to feel seen and honored and i


    and i feel guilty and i feel judgemental and theres a lot of stuf fin here that i feel stifled by this culture thought pattern mentality that says

    that about me like my childhood wasnt bomb or like im not smart enough at 5 or like everyone else isnt eitehr and

    also yes i felt lonely and parents being out the house is stupid they fell for that okie doke

    im cutting off all ties iwth this crazy mind manipulation ‘society’ wtf is that

    Trees, valleys tell me

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  461. 461: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to come across as a protective mother.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  462. 462: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i want to cuss and kick and yell and curse CF

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:04pm

  463. 463: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Yay…Mr. Observant is finally starting to stand up in this situation. I think he’s getting back to feeling more like himself.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  464. 464: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    eep, the shooter is my friend who is taking japanese with me’s coworker and they evacuated his job.

    today is not a good day

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  465. 465: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Starla, how scary that your friend worked with Holmes. I’m trying to be productive and get away from television coverage, but I keep getting pulled back in…just like I did with the fires…for some reason watching helps me feel more in control and less panicky and helpelss.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

  466. 466: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    (((Starla’s friend))) that is so hard. My friends had a friend who murdered his stepmom with a hammer to her head (he was schizophrenic and wasn’t being treated). It was a really difficult thing for them to come to terms with.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

  467. 467: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    OMG schizophrenic’s are capable of that?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:19pm

  468. 468: StarlaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:21pm

  469. 469: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Defense is like saying

    Kill misanthropists!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:21pm

  470. 470: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW – Yes, when they are not being treated and think people are following them and are hearing voices telling them to do bad things. I feel bad for him too because he wouldn’t have done that if not for his illness. Now, he has to live with it. Her family does not blame him for it. It’s really sad.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:30pm

  471. 471: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:31pm

  472. 472: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t think it’s a common occurrence though, but it can happen.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:32pm

  473. 473: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel soooo frustrated overwhelemed

    over hyper sensitivitized charge

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:32pm

  474. 474: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  475. 475: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    i deserve to ignore men

    and focus on me

    and break dates at the last minute

    and even not show up sometime – gasp!

    and just do soooo much for me

    all the stuff i want


    and cooking

    and yUM

    ill be my dutiful assistant

    my get it done man

    that feels so sad

    to think of doing that

    i HATE doing thosethings

    i dont want to


    i want to do them for me

    buti HATE doing them

    a part of my being already knows how to resolve this conflict

    i spend a lot of energy getting back to people &&

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:41pm

  476. 476: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks (((Receiving Girl)))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

  477. 477: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Francesca re 379

    Well I have posted one of me doing some tricks.

    But the one with the dancing I don’t feel ready to post yet. I will when I feel really good and polished with it…

    If you feel happy to share your Facebook name I can add you to my Twizted Angels Pole Fitness group which will allow you to watch the videos I post there.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:49pm

  478. 478: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I read today that there are indications from some studies that show Vitamin D levels are low during a lupus flare. Mine are low and I am flaring. That’s interesting.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:55pm

  479. 479: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i just scheduled an appointment with a local healer for some tarot/cleansing work.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  480. 480: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    continuous low level of discontent

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  481. 481: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    blah, POF sucks. lol

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:09pm

  482. 482: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Well–I had the convo I didn’t want to have. I told him I know everything. Used feeling messages. He said he felt like he was cheating on his wife. I said–Yes, even though you were never willing to marry me–that is what the energy is.
    I told him I feel disrespected and un-valued, and that we are not friends–That he has lost a 25 year friendship.
    But–we still have to get through the party next Saturday. 8 days—I don’t know how I can stand sitting here.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:20pm

  483. 483: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I just could’t stand pretending anymore:(

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

  484. 484: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells if it were me I would now totally turn my attention, thinking and energy away from his behavior. Trust he already knew before you spoke up that he was being a _________ and is now feeling bad. Let his own internal guidance system now lead him while you turn your focus and attention on your current purpose which is being a graceful social butterfly with the huge world floating around you. I know it is hard but it will help change your vibe and energy and with leaning back. He must feel you ignoring him but enjoying your life. At least that is what I would do.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:30pm

  485. 485: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Perhaps the most popular nutritional supplement EVER is whey protein. Heck, you can even buy some of the worst, cheapest whey protein around conveniently at your local Wal-Mart. Now that’s when you KNOW it’s popular.

    But here’s the truth: Whey protein, even the “high quality” stuff that you’d pay an arm and a leg to obtain from your local Vitamin Shoppe or GNC, could very likely be stalling your fat loss progress and, even WORSE, causing you to GAIN weight.

    And if that wasn’t enough, here are the absolute WORST times to consume whey protein:

    1. During the day
    2. In the evening

    Scratching your head? Don’t: you understood it perfectly. Whey protein simply isn’t a great protein to consume at any time of day, and for specific reasons.

    1. Whey Protein Absorption – A review on the rate of protein absorption published in 2006 in the International Journal of Sport Nutrition and Exercise Metabolism reported that whey protein isolate absorbs at a rate of about 8g/hour. This is in large part due to the fact that whey is not broken down into small enough peptides by our body’s natural enzymes in time to be absorbed.

    Couple that with the fact that the window of opportunity for whey protein to be absorbed is 1.5 hours, your body at maximum will be able to absorb 12 grams of whey protein from a single serving.

    Kind of makes those 40g whey protein shakes seem foolish, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because they are.

    Simply put, whey protein passes through the system far too rapidly to be adequately absorbed, leaving the majority of your protein shake wasted…literally.

    2. Insulin Release Associated With Whey – Which of the two items below cause a greater spike in insulin?

    a) White Bread

    b) Whey Protein

    Well, as you can probably guess, if you chose the horrendous, high glycemic, void-of-all-nutrition white bread, you’d be 100%…WRONG.

    That’s right, a 2012 study published in Nutrition & Metabolism identified that the specific amino acids in whey protein stimulate beta cells to secrete more insulin than a similar amount of carbohydrate from white bread.

    In the presence of insulin, fat burning essentially stops.

    This makes a whey-protein-only supplement a big-time no-no for evening use, especially pre-bedtime when avoiding spikes in insulin are paramount as metabolism is already slowing down in preparation for its normal, much slower sleep rhythm.

    The truth is, whey protein simply isn’t an ideal protein to use at any other time other than immediately following exercise, and even then the amount you’re able to absorb on a per serving basis is extremely limited.

    To your health,

    Coach Josh

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

  486. 486: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It doesn’t really matter WHY you broke up . . . the fact is the relationship you had WASN’T WORKING and WASN’T MAKING YOU HAPPY.

    And trying to get that relationship “back” is kind of dumb.

    If you just go rushing back at a guy promising to “change” (or demanding that he change) you’re just going to fall back into the same toxic patterns that have you where you are now.

    So what do you do instead of trying to get your ex BACK?

    Well, you follow some very simple steps to start a
    NEW relationship with the same guy . . .

    The relationship you SHOULD have had in the first place . . .

    How do you do THAT?

    Well, we’ll talk about that tomorrow.

    But for now just take a deep breathe and admit he’s never coming “back.”


    Mike Fiore

    P.S. I’ve only cried 5 times in my adult life that I can think of.
    3 of them were at funerals. 2 of them were when I got dumped.
    So I totally feel where you’re coming from.

    More tomorrow

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:41pm

  487. 487: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    stupid cf
    i deserve better

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  488. 488: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((miss bells))))))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

  489. 489: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    yeah… he is IN BED at 1:30 in the afternoon.
    I was gonna ask what next, but maybe I know…
    I still don’t know whether to take the little cottage with the lack of proper cooking facilities, or just stay here for the time being, get a CAR, and start dating.
    I know he will come and talk to me about this some more–
    I am thinking of saying “look–you are right, we are not together anymore–why don’t you just enjoy the low hanging fruit you have associated yourself with and leave me be!
    too harsh? I already let him know that the only reason he is chasing what’s her name is that she conveniently was on his property to see her boyfriend the in the trailer in back.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

  490. 490: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    FW, did michael fiore post the rest of that article?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

  491. 491: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    New Siren,

    426 – Thank you so much! I really appreciate your support and your feedback on which outfit! :-) Ok, that brown sequin outfit it shall be! :-)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

  492. 492: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    If he wants to talk–do I allow it?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:00pm

  493. 493: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    459 – I feel at a loss to connect with you, and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    You survived a tuff situation in a beautiful way.

    When I see a little girl, I would like to surround her with beauty and nurture and give her the joys and delights of a princess. Is that such a horrible thought? Because that is all I meant.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:02pm

  494. 494: ddNo Gravatar says:

    Me personally I think if it gets bad enough it could be considered abuse.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:07pm

  495. 495: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    what am i DOING? I just looked to see if CF was still on POF. He is. I didn’t click on his profile though. At least I had the good sense to stop there.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:14pm

  496. 496: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    The problem is–I still have the same feeling for him that I always did…
    But–no trust.
    I no Rori says that if there is basically something there almost ANYTHING can be turned around. How about this, and if so, how?
    I am focusing on myself, and the party prep.
    I am a butterfly.
    BUT–Things have gotten soooo bad here, and I can’t just go POOF! at least not immediately.
    It feels like dangerous terrain to me.
    He asked what he could do for me–and I said–just HEAR my feelings!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:20pm

  497. 497: New SirenNo Gravatar says:


    No problem:)

    ((((Miss Bells)))))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  498. 498: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    There are all these experts like Michael Fiori and T Dub that calim you can “get your ex back–even if he is dating someone else and you aren’t speaking.
    But i can’t do the no contact because I am in his house!!
    And I want him to get ME back anyhow–but at least now he knows if he DOES want me back there has to be ring…
    He says it will never happen. He has said the same thing 3 times before–and he ALWAYS came back. I don’t believe he has any control, any more than I do, really.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:37pm

  499. 499: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Annie…I did not mean to make you angry with my comment. (It makes me feel better, sometimes, to know that whatever it was that made me feel bad wasn’t intentional. I shouldn’t assume others feel this way.)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

  500. 500: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    If I were in your situation, I would feel like a crumb taker, like I was allowing myself to be treated second class. I would not want to stay in that situation. I have been in many circumstances in my life, and I have concluded that my emotional wellbeing is far more valuable than my financial wellbeing. Because my very life springs from my heart.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

  501. 501: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,
    I don’t know about Michael Fiore’s program, but I bought T-dub’s, and it’s basically, send a letter agreeing with the breakup, go no contact for a month or two, then call them and be like “oh hey i saw this thing i thought would interest you” and then ask them for coffee a couple contacts after that.

    there ya go. that’ll be 30 bucks, thanks. lol

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 2:57pm

  502. 502: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I feel deteriorated.

    I went out to eat with a friend of mine and I couldn’t help breaking down talking about A until she told me I’ve been emotionally abused. I feel so lost. I feel depressed.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:06pm

  503. 503: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ladieees!! I am back and I have a lot of wisdom!!!

    My friend who is married with a 2 year old toddler has the same issues as ALL OF US!!!!! YES!!!

    So she told me her husband has disconnected and they have a hard time communicating and being close.

    So I guess men and women are just wired differently!! I told her some of our wisdoms and she said she will try some Rori Raye tools!! 😉

    And just so you know, this is a really good guy, emotionally open and very sweet and caring, yet they have the same issues.

    I feel better knowing we are all having the same challenges and I feel less ‘weird’.

    ((((men)))) ((((women)))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:12pm

  504. 504: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, forgive yourself, it is normal to be curious, I check up on MrU all the time, it is almost comforting for me now…
    cut yourself some slack gurl!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:15pm

  505. 505: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I need so much help.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:22pm

  506. 506: StarlaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:23pm

  507. 507: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    498:At times, crumbs.
    BUT-we aren’t talking about trading a slightly higher financial level for putting up with BS here. I am still poor enough to get very sick living in actually scary situations because all I can afford is $400 a month and that is stretching it.
    It is this–or bone-crushing poverty, right now.
    In fact, I did leave last August and got extremely sick. I couldn’t find a place I could afford that had proper cooking facilities, nor can I go out–so I lived on Ramen for 6 months except when I was with him.
    If he were just some guy and I had an offer to live here for $400 it would be an extremely attractive place.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:29pm

  508. 508: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I will say to him–I don’t want your crumbs…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:30pm

  509. 509: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, yeah, i feel drawn to find guy who loves me on pof. I have to stop myself a lot.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:32pm

  510. 510: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Apparently there are two Jasmines

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:33pm

  511. 511: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you tam and siren song, i’m glad i’m not just some masochistic freak.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:34pm

  512. 512: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Starla, I read your response briefly on my cell at work, it helped.

    And then he texted in the afternoon and we chatted a bit. And now, in the evening I asked if he wants to have bfast tomorrow. So far no response. I feel worried sick about him. Leaned forward…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:35pm

  513. 513: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I’m in a deep sad emotional level today.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:38pm

  514. 514: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm memulo maybe it’s the expectation that’s coming thru in your leaning forward, not genuine concern. maybe a simple “breakfast/whatever isn’t the important part, i just want you know that if you need me by your side right now, i’m there.”

    in my opinion, you’re picking apart your own words and second guessing yourself and it’s going to hurt things more than just being straightforward. the energy that goes into all that you’re feeling right now itself is waaaaay more lean forwardy than avoiding ACTUALLY leaning forward.

    this is just my opinion and i hope i don’t make you feel worse! you can pleaseeee feel free to disregard <3

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:40pm

  515. 515: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    So how will we distinguish between Jasmine and Jasmine?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:44pm

  516. 516: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    499: Yeah I know–$30 bucks and I could WRITE that book. I don’t want to pretend something so that I “accidentally ” get him to start with me I can come the full circle back to where I am now–wash rinse repeat…..
    If it is to be I want him to organically pursue me and to meet the requirement for further contact.
    It’s been five years. He has done his level best to destroy this thing…
    If he wants to change this up HE has to figure it out–not me.
    We talked about how I stayed with my late husband who started drinking again after years of sobriety and basically killed himself.
    He said “you are just ‘true blue'” but in a tone of voice that sounded condescending.
    I replied “Yes- it is true that I didn’t desert my dying husband.”
    I am going to ask him why he says “true blue” as if it were an insult.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:44pm

  517. 517: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, since I didn’t hear back yet I am not texting more

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:45pm

  518. 518: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    ”maybe it’s the expectation that’s coming thru in your leaning forward, not genuine concern.’

    What’s that supposed to mean? Sometimes I feel like this is the place that can hurt the most

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:47pm

  519. 519: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i didn’t mean anything hurtful by it. i’m so sorry=/
    what i mean is he is probably in need right now, and he might sense that you ALSO need something from him (the affirmation/validation that comes with responding to you or making plans with you). That’s what I mean… I mean that your vibe is super lean forwardy even though you’re not leaning forward to offer support right now. that’s why i’m saying maybe you should just straight up tell him you’re there for him, and offer it, and then let go of the outcome.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:52pm

  520. 520: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m the original Jasmine!! I don’t want to change my name

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 3:55pm

  521. 521: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    264 – “Just because someone did not intend to do it does not mean the other person didn’t feel it”.

    I agree.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

  522. 522: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, i totally know what you mean about sometimes finding this place more hurtful than what you’re actually going thru. i don’t know what to say… i just want to make you feel better about that! (((((((memulo)))))))

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

  523. 523: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    514 – When I read this, I thought of my first boyfriend, Farley. He was in prison when I met him, and I never knew him outside of prison, as is the case with my current friend, K.

    I had known him 7 years, and he had backed way off. Finally he invited me to visit him. I felt elated. My high regard for him decreased dramatically when he said I would be welcome to come visit him every week…IF I did something illegal for him. Otherwise, he didn’t want me to visit anymore.

    I moved 2000 miles away. And that was my deciding factor. I reasoned that if I meant anything to him other than someone to use, he could and would come for me. I never saw him again.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:02pm

  524. 524: Memulo says:

    Why is it that my vibe leaning fwdy? Because I asked him for bfast? I was worried if he even eats. So you’re suggesting to keep on texting without any response like your guy is doing? I don’t know what you think but ibdont want to think that or to experience this. He can answer sorry I can’t right now. Do I always have to walk on eggshells

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:03pm

  525. 525: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry.
    I feel ignored.
    I feel confused.

    And I feel like I’m wasting my time.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:04pm

  526. 526: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, that’s what i’m saying. you’re on eggshells. be direct instead. it seems like you’re dancing around trying not to overfunction and lean forward, and yet, totally undermining your efforts in the process.

    this is unconventional advice, but it might suit you better here.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:06pm

  527. 527: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    518 – I agree, you should be able to keep your name.

    New Jasmine, would you be willing to change your name?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:07pm

  528. 528: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i looked at cf’s sisters page too just to make sure she didn’t say something like ‘omg my brother was at the theater last night’

    all is well. whew.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:08pm

  529. 529: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    523 – Which Jasmine are you? What’s going on? I have felt hesitant to respond to Jasmine posts all day because I don’t feel sure which one I am talking to.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:10pm

  530. 530: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve seen HS again every time I get far enough away. That is the deciding factor. BUT-as I told him–I want a husband I can travel with and make a beautiful home. If being close makes him bolt–this will never work.
    My friend Gail points out that he has never seen me with another man. Just cause he says he “doesn’t care” don’t mean it’s true. We shall see.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:11pm

  531. 531: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I am so angry.

    I am so angry.

    I want to cry so bad.

    I need to find myself.

    I lost myself by caring about someone who mistreated me all the time and now I’m here all by myself feeling empty and hopeless and sad and angry and depressed. I shouldn’t have talked to him, I shouldn’t have said I’m sorry when I was right. I shouldn’t have made excuses for him. I feel so mad at myself. I hurt myself. I hurt myself. I hurt myself. I never thought about me.

    All I ever did was love him and show him how I felt the whole time when he was just ignoring me and not caring and not taking responsibilities and making me feel guilty and worthless.

    I want to get out of here. I need a change. I need a change. I need a change.

    And now I’m crying.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:13pm

  532. 532: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    If you would like to read a cute, funny story, see my post in 333. I’m not sure why, but it was originally held in moderation.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:13pm

  533. 533: Memulo says:

    Breakfast invite is direct. It reads: let’s have breakfast tomorrow?

    In general it is not my style to say whatever you need from me I’m there for you. I dOnt know what I did wrong here

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:14pm

  534. 534: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    It has been me. The original one. She hasn’t posted again.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:15pm

  535. 535: RadloveNo Gravatar says:



    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:15pm

  536. 536: Memulo says:

    Apparently ssomething because there’s no answer

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:16pm

  537. 537: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I just made a mexican type casserole: cheese sauce (medium hot) baked with corn. Then cooked rice, tortilla chips, sauteed baby bella mushrooms, sauteed diced tomato, butter, medium black bean salsa. Pretty tasty! I mixed them all together!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

  538. 538: StarlaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:23pm

  539. 539: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Well, I’ve had a great day so far. I woke up and didn’t feel too sad. (Which is an improvement, for me.) I went to the pool and really “upped” my workout. I also add a few minutes each day to lengthen the time.

    I’m sore, but that’s ok. I can fit in my smaller clothes and I can see the difference in the mirror. When I don’t feel like going—I think of Starla 😉

    I came home and did laundry and hung it outside. I made myself a tenderloin sandwich with broccoli, cauliflower and carrots. I very rarely eat meat, but once in awhile I crave steak. (I know it’s a good sign to be finding joy in simple things again….)

    I feel SO good that I didn’t have any dreams about him last night. I had to fight off thoughts of him as I was falling asleep, but no dreams, so….Yay!! :)

    I’m feeling so very lonely. My kids are so wonderful to me and they’re always willing to do things for me or with me, but I need more. It’s not fair to expect to get all my social needs met from them. They have their own lives and I need my own.

    As I’ve said before, I live in such a small community. I am active in several groups and attend church regularly—but everyone is either old enough to be my parents, or they’re young and married with small children. I enjoy going and doing, but it’s lonely. I miss him very much.

    I’m still waiting for one of the churches and/or agencies to call me when one of their grief support groups to start. I know I need that.

    Can anyone who has experience with losing a husband/life-partner/fiance tell me how long it took to start feeling better and most of all…how did you know when it was time to start meeting other people and dating? I feel guilty even thinking about it. Is this normal?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:28pm

  540. 540: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    looks like it’s f*ck this sh*t O clock
    going home:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:28pm

  541. 541: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I took a long nap this afternoon. I feel my body NEEDS a nap. I feel frustrated because then I don’t things done. I want to live healthy. I love myself anyway, because I chose a healthy nap over getting things done. I trust that I will get things done.

    Have a nice weekend everyone!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:29pm

  542. 542: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for about 1 week now. In the last 2 days, it has been overwhelming.

    I have spent the last 3 weeks or so every night with M (yeah!) … Things truly are great, but this is what has been happening in the last week:

    Last week, I made a nice supper for us and just before we sat down to have our meal, one of his female colleagues called. M was sitting so close (we were about to have this nice diner on the couch watchign a movie), I could hear some bits of what she was saying.

    She first said something like ‘I don’t remember when you have your kids, is it ok to talk now?” and he quickly replied with work type answers. I could feel tension. He started talking about work when she asked about something happening this summer. Then after about 10 minutes, I was eating already and he hadn’t touched his plate, I was starting to feel uneasy and he said on the phone “I was just about to go out for diner, maybe we can talk tomorrow” and she replied by repeating what he had said loudly with a very leaning forward tone and very slowly each word (not sure how to describe it) “you were just about to go out for diner” then a long pause. He said again ” can we talk tomorrow” and she said she was only free at lunch time, to which time he convened.

    It felt very odd and I felt disrespected (I made diner after all), but I made no mention of it as she had been a sensible matter last winter during a short breakup.

    Since, I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    In the last couple of days, I went back home just to regain my senses and bearings because I felt I was too much right there and needed a little time. I felt I was starting to get needy and a little clingy and besides a little space is good sometimes.

    Any thoughts? Am I letting my NVs invade my well being?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:35pm

  543. 543: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    My situation was different because Tom became a patient to me way before he died. In the end–he was so embarrassed because he knew he did it to himself and he didn’t want me to watch him. So I left him in the care of his parents.
    I was ready to be with someone else…
    But–I have a dear friend who was widowed right after me. In 08. Last fall she got on Match. 3 years, after 40 of marriage. Hope this helps.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

  544. 544: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Oh it feels so good to get this off my chest… I feel scared.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:39pm

  545. 545: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I had no choice. He treated me bad and I would tell him how I felt but he wouldn’t listen so I would get angry and tell him and tell him.

    I always felt unheard.
    I cared too much about him. I loved him too much. I tried my hardest to make things work. I told him I loved him. He knew I loved him. He would leave me and take me and leave me and take me and I was always open arms. Bad bad bad bad. I should’ve valued my self so much more. I am beautiful and worthy and caring.

    Nobody likes being mistreated. I always felt rejected and second class and he didn’t care. I wasn’t part of his weekends. I was part of his hangovers.

    He never said I’m sorry. Never said I apologize. Never. Never. Never. It’s like I didn’t have a say. I had to settle up for less than I deserved if I wanted to be with him.

    <>> WHy WHy???????????????????

    He didn’t respect me. He didn’t respect me. How can you be so heartless? How??? Why to me??? To me??? I broke your shell, I listened to you, I helped you become a better person, I cared about you.

    I don’t know what to say.

    Why did I say I’m sorry. Why was I sorry about expressing my feelings. Why was I sorry about expressing my emotions. Why. Why.

    I feel so empty. He took me for granted. He didn’t care. I remember when he would just have sex with me and then just leave. I remember one time he masturbated himself watching porn so I would see it. In front of me. In my house. In my eyes. He made it loud so I could hear it. He left the door open. I pushed him and hit the computer and he still wanted to finish. He acted like it was nothing. I felt so offended. I felt humiliated. I told him get out. Get out. I told him you’re sick!! Why would someone do that to someone who has only cared????? Why so disrespectful??

    He wanted to hurt me. He hurt me.

    This is too much pain. He used me. He said I am in college and do what I want. I said not with me. He said apparently I do.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:40pm

  546. 546: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    (((((Jasmine)))) <3

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:42pm

  547. 547: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    540: Are you saying that M was seeing this colleague when you were broken up?
    Why wouldn’t he just say he was having dinner? It is a bit strange.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:43pm

  548. 548: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I had no choice. He treated me bad and I would tell him how I felt but he wouldn’t listen so I would get angry and tell him and tell him.

    I always felt unheard.
    I cared too much about him. I loved him too much. I tried my hardest to make things work. I told him I loved him. He knew I loved him. He would leave me and take me and leave me and take me and I was always open arms. Bad bad bad bad. I should’ve valued my self so much more. I am beautiful and worthy and caring.

    Nobody likes being mistreated. I always felt rejected and second class and he didn’t care. I wasn’t part of his weekends. I was part of his hangovers.

    He never said I’m sorry. Never said I apologize. Never. Never. Never. It’s like I didn’t have a say. I had to settle up for less than I deserved if I wanted to be with him.

    > WHy WHy???????????????????

    He didn’t respect me. He didn’t respect me. How can you be so heartless? How??? Why to me??? To me??? I broke your shell, I listened to you, I helped you become a better person, I cared about you.

    I don’t know what to say.

    Why did I say I’m sorry. Why was I sorry about expressing my feelings. Why was I sorry about expressing my emotions. Why. Why.

    I feel so empty. He took me for granted. He didn’t care. I remember when he would just have sex with me and then just leave. I remember one time he masturb*** himself watching p0rn so I would see it. In front of me. In my house. In my eyes. He made it loud so I could hear it. He left the door open. I pushed him and hit the computer and he still wanted to finish. He acted like it was nothing. I felt so offended. I felt humiliated. I told him get out. Get out. I told him you’re sick!! Why would someone do that to someone who has only cared????? Why so disrespectful??

    He wanted to hurt me. He hurt me.

    This is too much pain. He used me. He said I am in college and do what I want. I said not with me. He said apparently I do.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:51pm

  549. 549: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    My God…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:52pm

  550. 550: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not sad anymore. I’m angry.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:55pm

  551. 551: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    ((((SirenAngel)))) I understand why you feel ‘off’ about the phone call. I would, too. After all, why couldn’t he have said, “We’re just sitting down to dinner. Can we talk some other time?”

    I don’t have any Siren advice to share, but I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel. Going home sounds like the best thing you could have done for yourself….stepping out of the picture to get clarity.

    “…but I made no mention of it as she had been a sensible matter last winter during a short breakup.”

    I’m not sure I get this part, though…

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 4:55pm

  552. 552: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    We had a short breakup last winter after our xmas vacation, where he totally withdrew. We came back together a few days, but it was iffy and one night last january he went out with her one night to a movie (as a friend he says) and broke up with me a second time the next day. We came back together about 3 weeks later. He maintains they are just friends but my gut has always told me he would pursue her if we weren’t together. Since the phone call I was witness of, I feel she is the one pursuing him and he’s either tempted or curious or some flirting is going on somehow.

    I know he loves me and wants to be with me and we have long term plans together. Yet, right now, I feel vulnerable. And it all crashed down last night when he told me he worked till 9 at the office last night. He never has done that before.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:00pm

  553. 553: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know what I want. I feel like I want to tell him.

    Why have I been friendly. I feel like I lost my self respect.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:03pm

  554. 554: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    And I’m losing my motivation to write on here because I feel like I’m talking by myself.

    I feel so cold. Emotionless right not.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:05pm

  555. 555: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you. I really feel on edge. His responses on the phone were not natural and yes I found it very strange he wouldn’t just flat out say ‘I’m having diner with SirenAngel, can we talk some other time”.

    It felt like at first he didnt want her to know I was actually there while trying to hide the conversation from me at the same time. When it became evident I was feeling uncomfortable (stopped eating and waited) he said “I’m going OUT for diner” to which she repeated word for word, very slowly, like meaning “Oh you mean, you are going out with her, I dont know if shes there and what I can say is she there’ kind of tone that was also loud and somewhat very leaning forward. She said it so loud and slowly I heard it very clearly that she repated ‘You. Are. Going. Out. For. Diner” and then of course my brain started working… What does she mean by repeating it in that tone like a jealous girl trying to understand if I’m there and why wouldn’t he flat out tell her “I just sat down to eat with Siren Angel”.

    Anyway, I have been crying all day since he told me last night he was at the office until 9pm.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:08pm

  556. 556: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I am also feeling like i am talking into a void
    Hope you are al ok

    And that you get to where you need

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:10pm

  557. 557: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    541 – Actually, I was telling my story about Farley in relation to your current man. When a man is not treating me as number one, I think the healthiest thing is to get away. It will either make or break the relationship. What do you think/feel?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:12pm

  558. 558: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I have to say, I am also getting tired of waiting. Waiting for the ring. Waiting to move in together. Waiting to make it official on FB that we are a couple. We have been together for one and a half years.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:13pm

  559. 559: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    555 – Yeah Ruth. I’ve also felt like that lately. I do hope to get to where I need.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:14pm

  560. 560: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am so sorry Jasmine and Ruth, did not mean to interupt.

    Memulo, big hugs to you.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:15pm

  561. 561: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Would like to interact with you girls but feeling really left out an marginalised
    I will just lurk for now

    there is loads of useful stuff on here for me
    i would also lkie to help and connect, but if that not on the menu, well thats fine

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:15pm

  562. 562: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    scuse flipping typos


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:17pm

  563. 563: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,

    You didn’t interrupt anything.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:18pm

  564. 564: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    554:Moving out is very very hard. Functional homelessness is NOT OK!!!
    So-I will have to be here in this HOME, (my home) until matters change for me.
    Also–moving doesn’t mean I have gotten away from him, and having him come after me doesn’t mean I get the ring. It really is complicated.
    And–I don’t want it to be over–I want the ring. Doesn’t make any sense–just how I feel. That is what I want to know-
    can it be turned around with tools and if so how?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:23pm

  565. 565: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know how to bring up the phone thing, over 1 week later, in FMs. What do you all think? Should I just let it go and be cautious yet open?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:23pm

  566. 566: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    558 – I feel sad to read you feel left out. Is that within you or in reality?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:23pm

  567. 567: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    starla, i know you’re mad & sad about it, but it feels nice for me to imagine that cf’s silence is not “abusive”. it’s just what he can give right now.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:25pm

  568. 568: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    561 – I am not trying to trivialize moving out and all it implies. It is a huge thing to move out, and I myself hate moving.

    But if you will, look at your life like a chess board with me for a moment. Where is your most strategic position? If leaning back brings a man closer, and leaning forward sends a man away from you, where do you want to be? Living in his house while he is in another relationship?

    That sounds like self injurious behavior to me! How can that be healthy, either for you or for the relationship? That position in and of itself is creating drama for you.

    It would feel like hell to move out. And to be alone. And to be away from him. But you would regain your clarity, your self worth, and your perspective.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:28pm

  569. 569: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I know what I should do but I don’t want to do it. I hate these contradictions inside myself.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:32pm

  570. 570: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    Been there. Big hugs.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:49pm

  571. 571: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Okay so Mr. Affectionnate had been trying to reach me. I call him back and we talk for 40 mins, very nice conversation. He also opened up to me about a condition that he just found out that he had. So i was really feeling like maybe its not that he wasnt contacting me because he was just using me for sex, but eh was dealing with something frustrating so he didnt contact me. I still left his messages and calls going to spam because I had no computer access to change it. He was joking around cuz he was at his grandmother’s house picking up his mail and said that our marriage license was in it.

    He ended the call saying he was going to call me back in a minute. Its been three hours. I wasnt sure if he had called me back or not so i tried calling him…..three times. I finally get to a computer and realize he had not tried calling me ONCE.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:52pm

  572. 572: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I also have to mention I watched “The Notebook” last night, which probably contributed to my crying all day.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:06pm

  573. 573: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    |I am the one to M.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:07pm

  574. 574: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I am the one to M.
    I am a divine feminine Goddess being.
    I am Siren Angel.
    I am the one to M.
    I am the one to M.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:09pm

  575. 575: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hi ladies:)
    I texted CL pamelala’s suggestion:
    “Gosh our dates together felt so fun, but not i feel kind of freaked out and pressured getting a message like this because I was busy for one day, and like this man i was enjoying is just self destructing”

    he hasn’t replied but i think i’ll just leave it there either way. i’ve had a long week and feel like relaxing at home and not stressin anything

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:17pm

  576. 576: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Today’s email is a little bit morbid and a little bit mean . . .

    But if you’re secretly (or not so secretly) in love with that one special man who you accidentally let get away, you need to read the whole thing . . .

    OK, let’s get started . . .
    Tabitha asks:
    “Mike, do you have anything that will help me get my ex boyfriend back? We broke up a few months ago. He’s dating someone else. But I feel so alone without him. I don’t want anyone else. I want him back more than anything.”

    Hi Tabitha . . .
    I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.
    The good news is that YES, we actually have a whole
    program called “Text Your Ex Back” that teaches
    you EXACTLY how to use tiny little text messages to get your ex boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) back in shockingly little time. The BAD news is that I’m not going to tell you a damn thing about that program in this email
    . . .
    AND I’m not going to give you a link for where you
    can find it either. In fact, I’m going to be really mean right now and confirm your worst fears and say . . .

    The Relationship You Had is DEAD and It’s NEVER Coming Back No Matter How Hard You Try . . .


    OK, now that I’ve been all mean, let me explain
    I get emails all the time just like Tabitha’s asking
    how to get an ex “back.”
    But the fact of the matter is, once you actually break up with a guy (or he breaks up with you) the relationship you had is officially DEAD.
    After all, if you got to the point where you broke up,
    it was probably for a good reason . . .

    Maybe you fought all the time . . .
    Maybe one of you was jealous . . .
    Maybe you had major sexual incompatibility (Hey, some guys really like clown costumes.)
    It doesn’t really matter WHY you broke up . . . the fact is the relationship you had WASN’T WORKING and WASN’T MAKING YOU HAPPY.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:20pm

  577. 577: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,
    Love you, beautiful!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:24pm

  578. 578: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    (((Jasmine))) I just re-read your post. It sounds like he did, indeed, want to hurt you. Doing the walk-away seems to be your best option.

    Miss Bells…your story kind of reminds me of how things were for me. Although we were together for so many years (though there was never, ever any other woman) there came a point where I felt like it was hopeless and that it would never become anything more than it was: Us living together in this undefined, stagnant relationship.

    I was a prickly cactus, I see that now. (vs. a soft fern, as Rori talks about.) So, all we really had going for us was that we did love each other…and some mind- blowing sex. But that wasn’t enough for me. I felt empty and alone.

    I had only just started to learn about Rori and her tools. I tried talking to him, but I didn’t know enough about scripting and how to use the tools correctly. I also was hurting inside so much that I wasn’t able to really be a Siren about it. So, of course, it failed and I ended up moving out. He cried like a baby…but he never asked me not to go. (That really hurt.)

    It didn’t take long AT ALL for him to start calling me and missing me and asking about my life (I know he was wondering if I was dating or seeing other men, etc. I wasn’t—but I didn’t come out and say it.)

    I just kept learning and living my life. I missed him like crazy, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept myself busy. I let him know that I needed to feel him coming toward me (he would get mad when I didn’t call, etc.) He learned right away that HE had to do the calling, planning, etc.

    Finally, he begged me to come home…said he’d do ANYthing if I’d just come home and we could be together. I talked about communicating more (he was a man of VERY few words) and the other things that bothered me. I never mentioned getting married.

    Shortly after that, he bought me the most beautiful diamond ring and asked me to marry him. (He was 56 years old and had never been married. I was only the third woman he’d been with.) He said he wanted me forever and wanted to “do this all the way”….wanted me to be his wife.

    I was shocked. I never, ever expected to hear those words from him. Of course, he did not turn into ‘someone’ else—but he did change enough so that we could have a better relationship. I know he wanted me to come home right away. I still beat myself up for waiting….

    My point is that I thought it was hopeless and I left.
    But by using the tools and sharing my feelings using feeling messages and keeping my heart open I was able to turn it around. One of the biggest things was changing ME. Going from tough on the outside/wimp on the inside to soft on the outside/strong on the inside.

    For so many years we were deadlocked into an unhealthy pattern of him withdrawing and me acting like it didn’t bother me….but it DID bother me. It hurt like hell. It was only when I could STOP blaming him for how I felt and take some responsibility for my part in the unhealthy ‘dance’ we were doing that things started to change. He was able to really listen and understand.

    I don’t know how much of this you can relate to, but you say you don’t want it to be over. I didn’t either…not by a long shot. You say you want the ring, etc. (I did too, but just never thought it would happen.) I DO believe that I might have been able to make the changes without leaving (the Rori Raye Third-Way) but I felt SO hopeless that I decided to leave.

    Can you get some of Rori’s programs and really ‘dive in’ and absorb all she has to offer? Her book isn’t expensive and has a lot of information and the website, here, is FULL of stuff to learn. I feel like if I could turn that relationship around anybody can do it.

    P.S. I do have to say that I got the Toxic Men program after I moved. He turned out to be borderline “clueless/difficult.” If he would have been all out toxic, I don’t know that it could have worked. That might be a good place for you to start…?

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:27pm

  579. 579: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m just feeling an abundance of love and compassion for all the hurting women here. I just want to love on each of our vulnerable little girls and tell her that she’ll be OK, that she’s beautiful and lovely and deserving of the attentions of a strong, masculine caring man…but even moreso is deserving of a love that bursts forth from her own heart like a blossom. You are precious.


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:29pm

  580. 580: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 561 Miss Bells everything in life is a tradeoff. You are the only person who can know what is best for you. The tools won’t necessarily work for every man. If this is not your “GREAT” man it might not work. Some men choose to be single no matter how much they love a woman. My thinking is that you are best served by looking at the bigger picture of your life and what you want. If you don’t at least give yourself the mental option of leaving then what you are saying is that you want to be at his mercy. It is your choice to make and if that is what you choose it will be inhuman for anyone to help you pound yourself into the ground.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:32pm

  581. 581: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    michael fiore never gives any previews of his program, which irritates me, but he is a good marketer (or has hired a good marketer lol)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:35pm

  582. 582: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I think everything is more complex than we want to know–and it’s all a crap shoot.
    If I leave I won’t be sending any cute little messages…
    I am not going anywhere till I have someplace out of the elements to go. I don’t know if anyone on here but me has ever been homeless, but it is a good way to die.
    This may be a bad situation, but I have a roof over my head and very little money. And credit that is so bad from late husband’s bk (before he died) that renting ANYPLACE is very hard.
    I have a home here.
    A roof over my head. Between this an a freeway underpass I’ll take this.
    If I change my own inner being I won’t BE here in the same way.
    So, I can CD. Right now. Nothing is standing in my way.
    As for the other “relationship” they email once during the week and he visits her for a couple of hours on Sunday. He will never bring her here.
    He was hiding the whole thing to not upset me. I am upset. And now I am a moving target.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:35pm

  583. 583: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    577 – Yes, he did.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:38pm

  584. 584: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty for the hugs.

    Hugs Jasmine.


    I feel very sensitive to explanations after I’m sorry’s.
    Or I didn’t mean it, I was only joking etc
    It makes me feel bad.
    Like there is something wrong with me.
    Like I am wrong for my feelings.
    It makes me feel anxious like an alien on the planet.
    It feels awful to me.

    It brings back memories as a child where I was teased and at the time did not know it was teasing.
    Got told I had no sense of humor.
    Called miserable, oversensitive etc.
    And remember even when they saw it hurt me they carried on.
    I remember they looked like they enjoyed that it hurt.
    me. Shudders!!

    I feel cold
    I feel shivvery
    I feel sad.
    I want to cry.
    My heart hurts.
    I no longer want to be around people who do that.
    I feel sick
    I want to wrap myself up tight in a warm heavy duvet and sleep.
    I feel weak and I want to feel strong.

    It feels traumatic.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:40pm

  585. 585: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Annie.

    Hugs to you too.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:41pm

  586. 586: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    CL called but i let it go to voicemail
    then he texted “I’m sorry it came across that way. I really don’t want to make you feel that way. Honestly, I was just wondering because we were talking pretty constantly and then it died off. The change made me a little worried. And it’s only because I am sitting here going this girl is a really good catch and i don’t want to lose her. I just really didn’t understand what was going on. I don’t want to lose this opportunity with you.”

    Hmmm, kinda BS. This morning he said “the only thing I can assume is you don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

    Seriously, I was out of touch for one day. ONE DAY.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:41pm

  587. 587: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Daria

    youre so awesome

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:42pm

  588. 588: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    now he’s texting that he hopes he didn’t ruin his chances with me

    is there a sireny way to tell him he needs to own his own confidence and not come at me so needy?

    i dunno.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:49pm

  589. 589: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    He is bending over backwards not to upset or offend me.
    I am going to a clothing exchange with my gf,then tomorrow, Big Bob is taking me on his motorcycle to the river fest 20 miles from here, then a pub crawl with a singles meetup group. He doesn’t drink, so I will get home safe.
    I don’t really drink either, it’s for the company.
    And Tuesday a man I dated 35 years ago will pick me up to go salsa dancing.
    None are my match–but they are MEN coming here to take me out.
    I am equalizing things. To have harmony there must be equilibrium.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 6:59pm

  590. 590: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    ((((Annie)))…I wasn’t trying to ‘negate’ anyone’s feelings. Maybe I shouldn’t have said the words “I’m sorry.” I meant it more like, “I feel bad that you feel bad.”

    It was/still is my opinion that no one, here, purposely did not respond to Jasmine in order to make her feel ignored. As I said earlier…for ME, knowing something (whatever it happens to be) wasn’t meant to purposely hurt me helps take the sting out of it….but maybe that’s just me.

    I DO understand what you are saying. I also grew up in a ‘sick’ family (alcoholism and mental illness) and was told things like “You don’t like/want that” and if I cried I was told I was “putting on a show.” My feelings meant NOTHING.

    I understand what it’s like to not be able to trust my own instincts (even now—but I’m learning) because while I was supposed to be developing that sense, I was constantly told I was “wrong.” I can relate to feeling like there’s something wrong with me and/or that I’m crazy :-(

    I honestly did not mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, negate anyone’s feelings or cause any problems or bring up bad feelings for you <3

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:11pm

  591. 591: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I went out with a girlfriend and was off the topic for a couple of hours. Now I am really worried: should I text him that I just want to be there for him? No response feels bad. Do I need to text more to justify my invite? That feels weird also.. please help!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 7:25pm

  592. 592: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Does my invite sound like I want to have fun? It’s not true. Should I apologize that it was inappropriate? It’s not how I meant it. I’d feel bad about myself if I didn’t make myself available.. ohhhh!

    He could be just so much inside his pain that he didn’t even look twice at my text. Just indifferent

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  593. 593: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ok who cares how I feel. All the drama over an unanswered invite. He lost his child, he is humiliated to the core to get supervised visits like a criminal. What can I offer him to ease this pain with my stupid breakfast

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:24pm

  594. 594: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I think you can say just that…something like “I feel turned off by by neediness, but a man who is confident and knows he has what I need is a man I’d really want to pursue a relationship with. I would also feel good about dropping this and just seeing where our relationship goes.” I dunno…something like that.

    Memulo, I don’t think your invite sounded needy or pushy or anything. He was sharing his pain and you asked him to breakfast…in my mind, I would understand that what you were doing was inviting me to breakfast to offer support. I think you’re probably right that he’s busy and hasn’t had time for your invitation to even register. It might be helpful to remember that he is an adult and if he needs support, he can ask for it…but you are allowed to set boundaries about what you can and can’t offer. Giving support face to face isn’t a radical boundary. I think you’re OK.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:30pm

  595. 595: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you pamelala, you’re really helping me today:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:35pm

  596. 596: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    shame that im letting one guy down to see another guy

    it is not my responsibility i dont believe this yet

    i f only…

    i were more skillful i wouldnt have to ‘hurt’ these guys and turn them off

    i don’t turn them off

    i feel sadness and shame

    my dad thinks im not principled


    im not principled for hurting these guys


    this makes no sense i see that now

    i feel glad im writing this

    to a part of me it does

    but to the part of me that knows she wants to get married and puts me first it doesnt

    of course some guys get hurt


    this is the DARIA contest

    theyre gona be madly throwing themselves on the rocks for Daria

    i feel so helpless and in pain watching htem hurt



    this feels terrible

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:39pm

  597. 597: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m glad, Starla :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:40pm

  598. 598: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it is not my fault it is not my fault it is not my fault

    its all my fault

    im a horrible friend a horrible woman

    i dont care

    im shallow and opportune and

    just selfish and cruel

    and vicious and animalistic

    and all that is bad bad bad

    and i want to love me and i feel so ashamed

    i love my shame

    i feel hsame my toenails are chipped



    sadness squeeze shame

    i love my shame

    and thet feels like FUN

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:41pm

  599. 599: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he said “i will do my best to stop being needy.”


    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:42pm

  600. 600: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    #596 Well, that’s a start.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:44pm

  601. 601: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’ll just let him mull that one over.

    i have a date with a POF guy. he kinda started razzing me for not leaning forward at all, but i stood my ground and he asked me out:)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:44pm

  602. 602: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    and he’s texting me a lot about his day and stuff. that’s cool. i don’t feel like answering (plus he didn’t ask me anything) so i won’t.

    hopefully he doesn’t self destruct some more and freak out

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:48pm

  603. 603: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    #599 Ugh, I’m coming to the conclusion that texting is not the best option for building intimacy. K and I don’t text at all. We talk on the phone about 3 times a day – a quick “good morning,” a quick “how’s your day going,” and a long “good night…etc.”

    All of our communication is voice to voice, even when he’s out of town 3-4 days a week (just for the summer), or face to face.

    For me, this arrangement has helped me with leaning back and sense of security. Texting always seems to set me up for insecurity.

    I’m rambling…lol ironically perhaps, that I’m killing time til the phone rings with my man on the other end. :)

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 8:53pm

  604. 604: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Great article, Jennifer! Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:01pm

  605. 605: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he actually tried calling me when i sent that text, which is funny cuz he proclaims himself as anti-phone. i actually let it go to voicemail. it’s my friday night and i shant be disturbed. maybe he and i can go out again next weekend sometime and hit the reset button.

    interest side note – i feel somewhat more sexually attracted to him now that he’s acting like a headcase, lol. ohhh, me.

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:15pm

  606. 606: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine – I am now officially concerned about you. What you’ve written here is the classic “victim” story, and though we all have these stories and love to tell them – every time you tell this story to yourself or anyone else (who’s not a coach and actively HELPING you to dismantle it) and believe it a bit more – you snow yourself under and make everything harder for yourself.

    This has NOTHING to do with him, or what he did or didn’t do…what it says is that he REPEATED his offenses – and YOU chose to stay attached to him. In the world where you take good care of yourself, when a man demonstrates his immaturity and unwillingness to care for you – and in this case, blatant disregard for you – and you’re still standing there with him…then YOU are your problem. Standing there and getting angry at a man, and screaming at him is utterly ineffectual and powerless. It’s like a child throwing a tantrum. What he said at the end of your comment is the absolute truth: “He said I am in college and do what I want. I said not with me. He said apparently I do.” Yes – he got to do with you whatever he wanted – because you are INVITING that in. Perhaps you enjoy the drama and the screaming. Discovering this, OWNING this, and loving yourself for making this discovery and taking this ownership is the most powerful thing you can do – and I KNOW you can do that!!! Love, Rori

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:18pm

  607. 607: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m grateful for my air conditioner
    i’m grateful for my apartment
    i’m grateful for this amazing bed
    i’m grateful for drinking water

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 9:36pm

  608. 608: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been realizing some things today and it’s about ancient history recounting my time with my ex from years and years ago and how he loved me and wanted to marry me and I broke up with him and I still feel it in the pit of my stomach as I write…like a sinking horrible feeling that I hurt him so badly.

    But I DID NOT want to marry him. I was turned off by things that happened and got to what I felt at the time was a point of no return. It really killed the attraction when he did not stand up for me. Also he was SUPER jealous and possessive….but he could be so nice and so so supportive financially etc.

    Also I was not that attracted to begin with! Ouch that hurts to admit…because it means I was not being true to myself by spending time with him and being in a relationship. WTF???

    At the time, I was NOT emotionally available, but I did not want to be alone because I was reeling from the breakup from my college ex. I was realllllyyy hurting.

    Basically today I was thinking about how I have to trust myself and my decision I made so long ago…because I have doubts now that I should have married him but I know that is so unhealthy.

    It’s ok Emerson!!!!!

    Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 10:31pm

  609. 609: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Pamelala.

    I’m thinking to maybe go to his place tomorrow? Or leave him alone..

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:17am

  610. 610: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    there is nothing in the house that really costs that much

    its just the way its all put together

    the care and teh detail

    that makes it look like a palace

    oooh i love



    yummie beauty

    richness wealth and beauty health opulance extravagance and comfort softness sweetness restoring

    what once was lost

    righting what once was wrong


    rips and tears and nips and freida khalo

    i want to heal hwole and here i am

    i long for my wounded self

    my wounded self lomgs for me

    or for its own ‘selfish’ pleasuer

    forgetting selfish

    si forgetting tho everyh being

    strait facedly reminds

    and sine even’

    get scared


    me htru me

    i feel terrified

    im so glad im seeing it!

    my terror

    i feel FROZEN

    my head was tigthening up freezign

    the mind and imagination when really

    im springkling sprinkles of multicuoloured

    purple pink and turqouise and gold

    all around me

    and orange and brown and BEAUTIFUL me

    so me


    im heaven

    *IM* heaven

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:01am

  611. 611: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this guy picked me up in a Porsche truck and i didn’t even notice :(

    im beating myself up

    i say i want a flashy man but them im so engrossed in myself and my ‘natrualness’ that i miss apprecieating it

    and i get a kcik out of NOT appreciating flashiyness cuz im one of th ‘good girl’ NOT a ‘gold digger’ o my





    i love my shame

    i want to heal this

    i t feels uncomfrotable to feel this hotness ni my cheeks

    tight in my lower back

    and zvac

    jerk out of body

    guess wat i waent to the movies wit tdis guy

    saw tht eteddybear movie!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:09am

  612. 612: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i want some coconut water

    my nieghbor boyfriend is freakin drunk


    oh well

    party w me and my cat my lion cat i want to EAT him and plunge my claws in him

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:14am

  613. 613: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    okk i did a bit without bothering him much and i feel a bit healed now

    u know wat would feel good coconut juice and some leek and potato and belly pepper cream soup

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:16am

  614. 614: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the reason he doesnt like hugs is when they end they are hella sudden and rugh on him

    kinda how i dont like when a guy pulls out fast

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:17am

  615. 615: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hes likin my hand like i know ur stupid nnow back off poor lil soul ill pray for u

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:18am

  616. 616: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, how did your date go???

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:27am

  617. 617: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning from Europe!

    I am still emailing with MrU…..I am kind of thrown by it though, because I am trying my best to be in my feelings and I just get odd snippets of info thrown at me, a bit like the news….he was telling me about the sad thing in Colorado (of which I had heard anyways)…and that’s it.

    I feel interested as to why he is compelled to still write to me even if he isn’t saying anything, it makes no sense..yes, kind of cute. I may continue a bit while it isn’t triggering me..

    I am going on a date tonight and really don’t feel like it, having a big headache and did not sleep much last night…..and it’s going to be a big one in the city. But I felled compelled to go because the guy has arranged something and he was getting super excited about it all. I’d rather stay at home in front of the telly with headache tablets…add to that the fact that he does not interest me one bit and I am moany.
    Ok, I will still go….

    Hope you are all having a lovely day Sirens!!!

    Lots of love

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:34am

  618. 618: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Miss bells, I got the getting your ex back by bob grant. This is great advice however I realised after a couple of months.. Do I even want him back. I deserve to be treated better.

    Can you read about Roris story when her man moved in with her how she treated him like a house mate?

    How would you feel about taking time off from a relationship? Do you feel you have healing to do around the death if your ex husband???

    Just some thoughts that came in to my head as I read your posts.

    ((miss bells))

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:42am

  619. 619: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, I too feel eager to hear about your date?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:45am

  620. 620: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ((tams head)) hope you find the energy. Can you treat yourself to something today to make you feel better?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:47am

  621. 621: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday I felt so powerful so independent and then .. i felt afraid .. this feeling of independence and self sufficience felt scary and felt like not even air but howl of the wind between me and the world and my man especially …and it felt like “loosing” a connection with him and I got upset and then – angry at myself for feeling all these feelings and when he said smth which felt slightly blamey, I used it and lashed out and was blamey toward him… sigh … baby steps ..
    and yes, it didn’t feel comfortable to feel independent and self sufficient…. I feel safe when things go wrong : ) – can’t help giggling here – and yesterday I just found a reason to lash out and feel in my comfort zone again .. and the subject could easily be solved with a FM …
    awww.. i love myself so that i do anything so Vi could feel herself comfortable and safe… (it’s a play I’m playing with myself from yesterday – i called it “find proof of love to yourself everywhere and in your every move even when it doesn’t feel like love first – and especially when it doesn’t seem like love first..” helps me to stop beating myself up…) and the next time i ‘ll just stick to the script … good girl Vi.. i love you

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:19am

  622. 622: ViNo Gravatar says:

    and and I notice – I feet amazed instead of feeling angry and judgemental when my man is being good and attentive to me (!) :-) HEALING!!! yes I can still notice tightnes in my shoulders or thighs .. BUT – usually I would think smth should be wrong with a man if he cares so much .. : )) it felt like eww .. sigh ..
    feeling giggly and like a child who did one more baby step well : ))))
    Gosh it feels so good to not feel like your own enemy : )) Yay!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:25am

  623. 623: TamNo Gravatar says:

    619 thank you smile…I am also a little uninspired as it is supposedly a surprise evening and with a sore head I am not sure I like what it might entail…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:28am

  624. 624: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Is leaving him alone too cold? Or could he reply to me sorry not in the mood? When he needs me he finds me. Even in the middle of the night, though he knows I work hard and go to bed early. I don’t mind, as long as this is not the only reason he needs me.

    Maybe I am not a generous enough person, but I don’t like to feel bad. Maybe I crossed some line, I misunderstood and didn’t get in synch with his mood, but I don’t want to feel bad.

    Should I pay attention that he texts about his situation but doesn’t want me on the phone or by his side? Yes, he is an adult and can tell me if he wants me close. When he was sick a few months ago, he told me. He asked me directly. Now he is pushing me away.

    He texted me yesterday about his ex: she did this because she was afraid I have the evidence against her. Poor thing, she was afraid, but he understands. She played soooo dirty. But with me he can just ignore.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:39am

  625. 625: SmileNo Gravatar says:


    I heard in Christian carters stuff that in times like these, we should not be the mans emotional crutch. This gave me a lot to think about when I was going through some very personal stuff with strumming man. I felt torn between being a good girlfriend and trying to support him. This is what I thought I should do. Now I realise this is something he has to go throughby himself.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:47am

  626. 626: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I suffer from headaches and migraines from time to time so I can see how you might be uninspired for a surprise. I would be intrigued to hear about the surprise and what it entails on your return. I hope it’s somewhere quite and relaxing for you.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:52am

  627. 627: TamNo Gravatar says:

    624 Memulo..I agree with Smile. I once tried to ‘help’ MrU when he was in a situation and it totally backfired….I suspect he felt like I was trying to cut his balls off and that he should deal with his problems himself. He vanished for 3 months, after I drove him mad trying to help!!! He then solved his issues, and came back a changed man….I wish I had known it before because me trying to help did some damage…and that damage is still lingering.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:54am

  628. 628: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you girls. I was doing well in this respect in the past couple of days, I didn’t ask any questions, stayed leaned back until he would contact me. he did and he texted a lot. The day before I said that a phone would be better, but he didn’t call. The next day kept on texting. I suggested stupid breakfast. Thought that even holding him could be helpful.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:03am

  629. 629: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    When he is like this, should I tell him that if he needs me by his side I am there for him? Or just drop it.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:07am

  630. 630: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like dropping it but maybe it is too cold?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:12am

  631. 631: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so worried about my little sister.
    She was out with a friend yesterday and has not yet come back (it’s 13.15 the next day here). And neither of them is answering their phones (not usual in my sister at all)… Other friends saw them at 7 this morning telling they were going home.
    Oh, I really do hope she is fine and just fell asleep at some friend’s home.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:14am

  632. 632: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii it sounds like she is asleep. The worst things happen way before 7am. She just peacefully sleeps somewhere I am sure.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:17am

  633. 633: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Memulo! Yes…I hope that’s how it is.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:32am

  634. 634: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I re-read our texts and it does sound that when he says he is thinking of giving up I tell him that he is very strong to handle this, so he says no, I’m thinking to quit. But it’s not how I meant it! But sounds like I am pushing him not to quit? The whole conversation is in texts and I feel lost. And then the next day i was at work between meetings and he said he’s lost and I kept on saying no, so it sounds like I am pushing him even more? Omg, it’s not what I meant. But we are not talking over the phone or in person, he is keeping me on texts, so all this misunderstanding and I am not sure if I need to explain myself??

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:36am

  635. 635: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I have a confession to make and feel embarrassed about it. I just had to think about Rori seeing her future husband as ‘her man’ and not being happy about it at that moment.
    Well, last year after a 3 months silence with MrU, I arrived in Florida (he had no way of knowing I had arrived) – on the very first day I got a message from him, if we could meet. As my phone only works in the US and he did not know I was there I realised that he must have sent these little messages for a while ‘just in case’ I got there…..a few days later we went on a day trip and I was not sure it was a good idea at all.
    During that trip, there was a moment when I looked at him and was overwhelmed by a huge wave of feeling, despite all the stuff we had been through the year beforehand…and I just felt: This is my man.
    And I distinctly remember telling myself: don’t be so silly, get it out of your head, I do not want this difficult, stubborn man, I want a nice and sweet guy.
    I don’t want him to be my man!!!!!!!!

    And ever since then, in my head I have been fighting this. Every time he did something hurtful or did not want to commit to me fully, withdrew or whatever, I told myself: ‘see Tam, he is not your man, and thank goodness for that because he is a real pain in the backside’.

    Trouble is that the feeling is always there when we are together, like something that comes from inside of us. And increasingly I am fed up of fighting it.
    I am just wanting to say: Yes, this is my man. I feel this is my man, with all his problems and negative aspects and ambivalence – and he is a GOOD man (which he is).

    I just have difficulty to come to terms with the feeling he does not want me. My perception, though he is always there for me and he is always back despite the mistakes I make, and he is always a rock when I need something, anything. And I even tried to talk myself out of it by being convinced he is a toxic man. Yet I have the same issues, or even worse and believe we are both just clueless.

    And in order to stay sane and not get hung up on this feeling and this man, I keep dating and dating and telling myself ‘he is not for me’. And yet I feel I am searching for something that is right in front of me. Perhaps I need to just find a different way of looking at it. Whilst staying true to my feelings. How about that:

    I feel this is my man, and I believe he is a good man. It may not work out romantically with us, because he has other priorities for his life, and he may not feel that I am his woman. Nevertheless, I feel this man is for me and I know that even if we will not be together as a couple, he will always be there for me till the end of time, no matter what I do and even if I upset him. I have proof of that and I feel safe that he will never abandon me. I feel loved. I do not need to push for anything out of my insecurities, what is meant to be will happen and I will accept the cards that are dealt to me with grace.
    I vow to myself that I will stay open to other men and to the concept of ‘my man’ not only being something that needs pressing into a box to be true.
    There could be another man I feel similarly about and he might be the one for me romantically.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:57am

  636. 636: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I do wonder whether we both feed of each other’s ambivalence and what would happen if one of us would drop the ambivalence and just say: I am here 100%, take it or leave it.
    But I don’t want that person to be me and I do not want to rob him of the chase either…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:03am

  637. 637: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I don’t think you should cut him off. I would lean back and wait for him to make contact, then i would offer my support. But you have to offer your needs too, which is where circular dating comes in so it takes the pressure off him. You can cd yourself, it doesn’t mean looking for another man as such.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:27am

  638. 638: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    WoW Tam. I wish Rori would respond to that

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:28am

  639. 639: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, i would keep doing what your doing, only time will tell if he is you one. Keep staying open to other guys as you are, keep your heart open so you don’t miss him. 

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:30am

  640. 640: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry if I sound like I’m offering my ‘advice’ I don’t feel I am ‘qualified’ it’s just what I would do based on the tools we are trying to work from Rori. I just wanted to offer my support mostly.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:33am

  641. 641: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    When I’m wondering who my ‘one’ is, I think of the film 100 days of summer. This is a love story with a surprise ending and reminds me to stay open to all guys, you never know who your one could be, if they are already, here or when they might show up.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:36am

  642. 642: TamNo Gravatar says:

    637 – FW, she might just tell me to ‘get a grip’ – but this happened exactly 1 year ago, and I have been telling myself to ‘get a grip’ ever since. I totally got a grip on my feelings and I totally moved on before, but unfortunately even when I am with another man that I like very much – the feeling is still there in my gut and has never left me even though I squashed and squished it down. I squished it down because I did nor give myself permission to feel it – because I don’t want to feel this is my man, I find him too complicated and ambivalent. I said: Nooooooooo!!!! No, no, no!! And now I just feel exhausted by that. Yeah, alright, so I feel he is my man and I don’t like it. So what?! It is what it is!!! Of course he has no idea, and that’s ok.

    638 – Smile, yep, that’s basically what I have been doing…..

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:41am

  643. 643: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, your doing great :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:49am

  644. 644: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine I just through your comments. It seems some were in moderation as I certainly didn’t see them before. Maybe that’s why it felt like no one was talking to you. Hope you see Rori’s.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:49am

  645. 645: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, your advice is very sound and my heart is open to any man….in that year I even had a relationship. And if the relationship had been a good one, I would not have tempted to go back to MrU again (despite having that feeling for him in my gut), so yes, there is hope :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:50am

  646. 646: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Nope I don’t think so Tam. I believe he has felt you pushing him away and telling yourself he is not good enough for you. I would also check myself to see where I am telling myself I am not good enough. That was some massive revelation and awareness there. My take would be to continue being vulnerable with him. This is building your skills and vibe for your Mr. Right.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:52am

  647. 647: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Wam bam, suddenly it just hit me in the face and ive realised things I have been doing without thinking. Don’t you just love learning curves!


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:55am

  648. 648: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I think of vibe as opinion of oneself and energy as what we put out in the world towards others.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:55am

  649. 649: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You were running away from intimacy because it was staring you in the face. You might have been scared.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:00am

  650. 650: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, yes, it might be true. I have pushed him away by trying to push my feelings away.
    And still I catch myself doing it now.
    If I can heal myself, feeling good enough and also accepting how I feel about him, at least I am authentic. What he then does with that is really not up to me.
    I wish I had known all this before.
    I do feel at a loss as to how to build further intimacy with him, however. I feel quite lost – but hopeful because I am learning….

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:08am

  651. 651: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I can raise my vibe by putting my energy on me and raising my opionion of me. I can use men’s energy the same way.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:13am

  652. 652: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ..I wish I could share the story with him but I don’t think it would be a good thing to do. Firstly it would be a massively difficult thing for me to admit to him, and secondly I feel it might scare him also.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:15am

  653. 653: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    Ok! Worries over. My sister is at home again. She was sleeping in some friend’s house with the phone in silent mode. :) I feel so relieved!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:18am

  654. 654: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I also caught the vibe that he has felt ‘not good enough’ for me, he has mentioned several times that I am young, single and attractive and he is just getting old and so on….he also always used to make a big deal of telling all his friends how intelligent I am (well, average at best, me thinks), and all that kind of stuff. I felt overestimated quite often..haha. Hm.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:20am

  655. 655: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ok Ladies, thanks for everything, I am off to my date in the city…not excited but it is what it is. Onwards and upwards! See you later..

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:26am

  656. 656: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Omg he called at 7:30 am that he’d like to have breakfast but afraid he is not a great company!!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:47am

  657. 657: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Nice Ulii 😉

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:48am

  658. 658: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, thank you!! :) And great your man called!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:55am

  659. 659: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay memulo, you can tell him you understand and to meet you at __________ time lol

    enjoy breakfast

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:57am

  660. 660: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t feel so good this morning
    i want more sleep
    i deserve a really good husband

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:00am

  661. 661: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    Awww Starla, thank you, love you too. I’m sorry I am not on the blog often enough to follow-up. I understand about how you feel about him being on pof. As you may remember, I went through that with M too. Happily, we moved past that. It doesnt mean a thing necessarily. He may just be looking to regain his freedom this way in some way and some breathing space and a sense of control and yes some manhood as well… I know it feels awful, but it is often much less worse than what we can imagine in our heads (tiny mice running around in there?).

    What I did then is I stayed open. I work so hard at being a Siren that now it comes naturally to me in almost all my interactions. This has transformed not only all my relationships but also my very core being. Thank you to Rori and CC too.

    By staying open with an open heart you are inviting him in. You don’t need to text or worry. Staying open is the most powerful and Sireny thing you can do in this instance. Watch your voice, your words (cut out the bad words, it made such a big difference for me and elevates you to another state of being), your stance, lean-back and feel, but mostly be open. So very hard to do in these circumstances, I know, but I believe it’s the only way. And trust, you must somehow trust. Trust yourself first, but offer some trust as well in the sense that he is doing what he THINKS is best right now. Only through the very core of your VIBE will what he thinks change.


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:01am

  662. 662: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    CC talks about a man’s purpose. His Purpose has just been shaken up badly. I am not surprised he is a little withdrawn right now. The opposite would surprise, and scare, me.

    My best advice: Don’t offer any advice, he’ll only argue with it. Just BE there.


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:05am

  663. 663: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    I want to add that he needs that purpose (his purpose to his child has now shifted dramatically and has been severely challenged) to feel like a man. The way he reacts actually shows that he is a good man. Only a bad man would not care about loosing custody.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:10am

  664. 664: Memulo says:

    Thank you Ulii, Starla and Siren Angel! Yes, he’s been screwed up badly. I dint know how he’s hanging out there.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:12am

  665. 665: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay it’s Siren Angel:)
    I can only be open with my vibe/thoughts, because he never spoke to me again after sending me that email.
    I’m not sure if I wish to be. It might not be good for my moving on. I still feel like i’m waiting for him to come back. and it’s probably foolish to be waiting on a man to come back when he broke up with me in an email in a weird way and then refused to speak to me ever again, not even to say “hey i don’t want to talk”

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:16am

  666. 666: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens :) I’m sort of in a pickle with Mr. Conversation. We had a really good talk last night. He told me he’s worried I won’t feel like he likes me and cares about me everyday, but his life is so overwhelming and that he wants us to chill and enjoy. I said that was a little vague… But dont expect to see him everyday, plus my life is pretty busy right now, and that would feel like too much to me. Here’s the pickle…. He doesnt want to see other people, but I don’t feel we have a commitment. He asked for patience.

    So how do I give the no girlfriend speech and explain CDing without it feeling like pressure or an ultimatum? We did spend a night together which is why this is difficult… We took it beyond friendship, and I don’t sleep around, nor would I want to dare him if he was sleeping with other people… Sex complicates things too much for me. I feel guilty thinking about dating anyone else, but he’s not mine. We aren’t a couple. Help sirens. Do I tell him I don’t want to add pressure, but I’m looking for more than he can give… So we should keep our options open? We are at about the 2 month mark.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:24am

  667. 667: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t mean to give you false hope. However, you are closing off when you say you are not sure you want to remain open. He might feel an uncertain vibe from you, because that is exactly uncertainty you are writing in the post above.

    Remaining open and waiting are two very different things, yet you are comparing them. Can you find a way to stay open, yet, let go of waiting?

    Also, you say he never wanted to speak to you again. It sounds to me more like anger at you then a rational decision made through logical thinking.

    My point is, that his anger, and therefore that his need to regain a sense of control and space, is what is bringing him to pof and making him shut down with you. It is maybe even his way of shutting you out for good.

    However, if only you could somehow make peace with the pof thing and stay open at once, let go of waiting yet stay loving in some way to him, then and only then will the energy shift enough. I know it’s hard. I’ve cried so long and hard with this. But if you manage to find that ‘space’ even for a few minutes a few times a day, it’s where the shift begins to take place. It can help you move on too. Make any sense?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:29am

  668. 668: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm ….. I’m not supposed to explain. What do we do when we meet a great guy in the middle of all this crap. Just chalk it up to bad timing and move on or enjoy what they can give and just focus on our own lives and stay open to what might happen? I really do like him. A lot. I don’t want to date other men, but I know I should because he’s not ready for what I want.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:30am

  669. 669: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,
    I am not sure if that is healthy? I think I need to move on from a man who has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me? I don’t think him being on POF is his version of shutting down to me— I think it’s his version of being single lol which is exactly what he is and it’s his right to be on the site. It’s been almost 4 months. I worry that if I spend any time being open to him energetically, I will not be able to move on in a healthy way. Also, I don’t know if I should even want him back — he isn’t exactly in touch with the part of himself that contributed to our breakup (I know because the first time I saw his POF a couple months ago, he described himself as basically the opposite of how I saw him in all the ways he contributed to our breakup).

    If I am still misunderstanding just let me know:) I love it when you comment to me, SA!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:38am

  670. 670: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “ohh that feels so good that you are trying to find ways to sort of take care of me since you are worried you can’t give me all i need right now, thank you i feel really cared for:) And I don’t really want to be a girlfriend here… I’m looking for the ‘whole deal’ with a man who is ready and that I’ve gotten to know fully and don’t want to shut my dating options down until that is happening. And I don’t want to add to your pressures in any way, so it would feel good to only be sexually exclusive right now”

    something like that

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:46am

  671. 671: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I vote for you doing whatever you need to have the relationship you want and deserve. They don’t all come back, and often when they do…. We don’t want them anyways.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:46am

  672. 672: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Starla, I like the part of thanking him for taking care of me…. I never say stuff that clearly. I’ll say how much I appreciate him, but not worded that way. This is going to be an in person conversation, definitely.

    I do want to share…. Yummmmm girls. The night we spent together, was awesome. It’s rare neither of us have our kids and we made the most of it, 4 times! But the best part was how he held me, rubbed my back, played with me hair, very caressing touches, lots of kissing, for most of the night. We did sleep some. :) and the talking, with no walls up or anything between us. It was very intimate. :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:56am

  673. 673: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    This guy, is all man. He wants to be in charge, he wants to provide and care for someone, he wants to lead…. But he is also sensitive and vulnerable and loves to talk, so it’s interesting to observe him. I’m doing a very good job of leaning back with contact, and pulled way back on the helping, although I did set him up with my work mechanic and he was extremely appreciative. But not like I fixed the car lol… Just provided a contact who fixed it for half the garage quoted and they missed the real problem. So, that was a good thing.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:04am

  674. 674: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    It sounds like you dont want him back anyway. I am sorry if I misunderstood. I understand how you can be curious just to checkout if hes still on pof yet not want him.
    Wishing you all the best dear Starla.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:12am

  675. 675: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,
    oh trust me, part of me does want him back. i’m still totally in love with him. i feel like i lost the love of my life.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:14am

  676. 676: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    617–Thanks Smile!
    I am complete with Tom’s death. But–the financial hardship it caused it still with me unfortunately.
    My friend Julia’s cottage is uninsulated, and has a kitchen that could only be called primitive. I can afford it now-but they would raise it to $700 in six months. And she is one of my biggest clients–the amount of work I could do and get paid for would go up–probably to a straight trade.
    I wouldn’t absolutely NEED a car, and I would have hi speed internet again (I work online).
    If I stay I would need amazing patience and emotional equanimity.
    He told me that the only person he has discussed this with is his friend Frank- a simple country boy. He told Frank “The cat is out of the bag” Frank said “So, now you can invite her (the OW) to the party.” HS answered “I don’t want to get hit with a frying pan”. This is a metaphor because I would never do that.
    So I said: This is my home, at least for now. And as long as it is, she is not welcome here. And he accepts this.
    Later we were talking about entertaining. It started as a discussion of playing cards, you know how people used to play social card games like bridge…
    I said I wanted to have dinner parties again where I use my nice things and cook to impress. He said “we could do that–but not till after the party…
    I want to feel his switch go on, and then leave-that is one idea anyhow.
    I still don’t know what the best course is.
    And I know I might not want him when he rolls back around. The other times we were off and on–there was no third party. That changes things for me.
    I don’t know if I could ever trust him sexually again. We stopped sleeping together when I moved back in last time–in January.
    But–the energy never shifted. He can SAY he thought we were just house mates, but he FELT like he was/is cheating on his wife.
    That is the emotional truth.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:20am

  677. 677: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    605 – This felt really painful to read. It makes me feel guilty about his behavior. I’m feeling too much anger. I’m feeling too much anger for letting him in every time. For looking into his eyes and believing he cared about me. I didn’t like the drama. I didn’t like feeling like this. I was always hoping for a change. He knew how I was feeling and I always gave him a chance. I was so deeply in love with him that I forgot about myself. I didn’t love myself. I always stayed away and he would come back to me. I shouldn’t have let that happen.

    I felt a rollercoaster of emotions all the time. I felt anger, love, joy, hate. I’m feeling that now. I don’t know what to do. All of a sudden I lost my self confidence. And it tears me up inside that I lost my value to his eyes. I don’t know how to treat him. I feel so resentful. I allowed it to happen but he did treat me bad. He was conscious about his behavior Rori. I can take the blame for my feelings but I won’t take the blame for his behavior. He did hurt me sometimes unconsciously, sometimes on purpose. I shouldn’t have let this all happen. Now I don’t know what to do to feel better.

    And I feel embarrassed after being friendly with him after feeling like this. I want to turn this all around.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:32am

  678. 678: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    jasmine 676
    are you the jasmine in college, 21 yrs old?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:34am

  679. 679: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Starla, this is me

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:36am

  680. 680: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    oh okay hi jasmine:)
    i know it sucks when we have bad feelings associated with a guy’s actions, and regardless of whether our upset with THEM is justified, the bad feelings are plaguing us nonetheless, so the first thing we must do is something to take care of ourselves that has nothing to do with them. this is how we take responsibility for our feelings, even if someone else caused them. does this make sense?

    what can you do to take care of yourself today?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:41am

  681. 681: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Jasmine))) Your situation sounds so much like something I went through when I was your age. I feel so much compassion for you and I’m glad that you are working so hard to get back to your self. It took me almost 20 years to finally take a look at myself and the damage that a difficult relationship created (and that I allowed). You’re in the right place and you’re going to be OK. Keep on processing and keep on looking at what is true…take care of your heart and hug yourself lots today.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:42am

  682. 682: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    My comment to Jasmine is awaiting moderation cuz I’m changing my username.

    Anyway, Jasmine, just wanted to let you know that I can relate and I’m glad that you’re doing this difficult work now to learn more about yourself and heal.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:44am

  683. 683: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t know anymore. The only thing that comes to my mind is every time I contacted him after everything that happened showing myself so insecure and losing my self respect. I can’t undo any of that but I want to do something about it now. How stupid.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:46am

  684. 684: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve got a classic mr unavailable fallback girl relationship!

    This has been my fear, even if he does step up and offer me the ring, id fear he would stand me up on the wedding day!

    Hmm I’ve seen this somewhere before

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:46am

  685. 685: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, i have so been there. Laughing Goddess taught me to send lots of forgiveness and love to myself.

    what can you do to take care of yourself today?

    i’m cooking myself a nice breakfast and taking care of some errands i’ve been procrastinating:)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:48am

  686. 686: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    This is hard. This is so hard.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:48am

  687. 687: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t know still. I have to study for a test on Monday which is nothing fun. I feel too down to do anything.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:50am

  688. 688: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m 22 by the way Starla lol

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:51am

  689. 689: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Miss bells, I know it seems impossible at the minute but my focus would be on your housing situation. My focus would shift to sort this out, rather than focusing on the relationship at the min. ((Look after yourself))

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:53am

  690. 690: SmileNo Gravatar says:


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:54am

  691. 691: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry jasmine;) 22!

    some ideas of things you can do for yourself:
    paint your nails
    declutter something that’s been bothering you in your living space
    go for a walk
    do your studying somewhere really lovely or fun

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:55am

  692. 692: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    Hehehe, that sounds funny. It’s been a while I don’t do my nails actually. I might just go sit somewhere outside to do my studying later. I don’t want to be between walls.


    I was just thinking this is probably why I don’t like super good guys. Ugh.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:00am

  693. 693: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm… I’m wondering if staying open is the best option?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:02am

  694. 694: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I wonder… what do you mean stay open?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:04am

  695. 695: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    When will I feel ready to say I don’t want you in my life? How many times will I let him withdraw and stand me up?

    I respect myself
    I respect myself
    I respect myself
    I respect myself
    I respect myself

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:05am

  696. 696: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    That’s my problem. I don’t know why I still want him in my life. I feel so self conscious and I don’t know how to treat him. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I feel angry.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:08am

  697. 697: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson 607

    In the last teleclass I asked Rori a question. I said I feared that I would hurt men by rejecting them. I said I was afraid to be my best siren self and draw them in, because I didn’t want to be a heart breaker.

    Rori said that was arrogant of me. She said that I am an experience for a man. The same way that he is an experience for me. And that is the simple way of looking at it!


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:11am

  698. 698: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine 692

    Staying open- we have a pattern of him withdrawing for a few weeks and coming back. I keep letting him do this. I say to him when he comes back that I recognise he has been taking time to work on his ‘stuff’ I remain open to the fact that I let him back into my life. Everything goes nice for a few weeks until he withdraws again.

    I don’t want to stat open to him anymore. I want to move on. I’m confused as I thought one of roris tools was to stay open… But after reading the article I posted in 691 I feel being open is the opposite?

    I’m thinking no contact would break the pattern. But then i would be closing off the fact that he could be my one? After he’s sorted through his stuff? But I don’t want to wait or expect? It may never happen!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:11am

  699. 699: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    687: THe housing is pretty intertwined with the relationship.
    I am slowly sorting it out. At least we are past the “house mate” BS.
    If I stay–I am the queen of this house. I have an adult sized space and can cook in the manner I enjoy. I am a SERIOUS home cook, and it feels GOOD to me. It is one of the joys of my life.
    I know that may seem strange, but I feel that it is important. And the “household contribution” of $400 will not go up in six months or ever.
    I have also helped him with his business– I can run it myself when he travel to see his cousins.
    And– I have edited a very good memoir written by his late mother–he paid me for that over a year ago. Part of my business is getting ebooks published. I finally got him to buy the ISBNs. Now the content needs formatting and he STILL is very hopeful that I will do so. I feel like saying “why don’t you ask what’s her name to do that?’ knowing that she has a minimum wage job and is at the top of her game with that… But I haven’t said anything yet. And I don’t feel it serves me to mention her or draw any attention to her.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:12am

  700. 700: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    Today, I’m struggling with the question, “what does it mean to be ‘in love’ anyway?” Forgive the stream of consciousness writing…I need to figure out where I am:

    What does it mean to be in love? Have I ever been in love…ever? How can we be ‘in love’ with a man who treats us poorly…who hates us? Every man I’ve ever been with has treated me poorly…second class…offered crumbs…and I declared my love for him and gave him my body in hopes that he would return my affections. It wasn’t about HIM at all…it was about my need. I don’t think, in these cases, I was actually in love with them at all…I think I ‘loved’ that they confirmed my self-concept of ‘not good enough,’ ‘broken,’ ‘unworthy,’ and ‘undeserving.’ I loved that their treatment of me was familiar.

    At 48 years old, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love at all. In the past, I was a mess – accepting the worst treatment and begging for more, betraying my self, and worshipping men who did not deserve me.

    At 48 years old, I don’t think I’ve ever been loved…until now…and I feel afraid and vulnerable, but at peace at the same time. The fear of intimacy is coming from inside me. K has never shown that he is untrustworthy or acting or desirous of hurting me…so the fear is mine.

    In the years since my divorce, 7 years ago, my self-concept has shifted, my vibe has shifted, my energy has shifted and I will no longer accept 2nd class treatent…it would feel aweful and unfamiliar now. I am thankful for that. However, that means that the path I am walking today…the path of acceptance and safety with a good man…is such unfamiliar territory. I feel like I’m walking blindfolded through an unfamiliar wood…trusting that he will lead and not walk me off a cliff.

    My heart feels warm. I feel trusting. Unzipping my heart (thanks for the reminder, FW) has brought me to a place of feeling embraced and nurtured and protected…it’s overwhelming and I just want to weep with gratitude…or run away.

    It’s so scary and beautiful to grow and heal and see how life unfolds…and I’m in love with K. With all his masculine energy and tender care…all his bad spelling and integrity and work ethic…all his cackling laughter and neat freakiness…I’m in love with him. This is so new.

    I feel so vulnerable sharing this, but I needed to work it through. I can’t wait for him to get home.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:14am

  701. 701: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (( jasmine ))
    Jasmine 676
    He sounds like a toxic man. I have so been there.

    As you take care of you,,,it will get better. I like starlas ideas.
    Hugs to you

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:19am

  702. 702: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe I might withdraw myself! He seems to find it easy to not contact. I would find it hard not to respond when he makes contact, mostly out of politeness. I can’t get my head round just ignoring someone…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:20am

  703. 703: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Up until the moment I learned that he was doing what he is doing he was still giving me back-rubs, asking me to rub his neck, chasing me playfully around the house, slapping my a**, and all that. Since my vibe shifted (because I KNEW) i have withdrawn all physical contact.
    But–because I blew his cover it’s all OUT.
    He is clearly flirting with me. I am using feeling messages.
    I have a gf that has all the equipment for the party (Tables and chairs) and he wanted her # so he could go pick the stuff up.
    Him: Could you get the # now? You’ll just forget.
    Me: GRRRR. That feels bad for you to think that about me.mmmm
    Him: Comes over and put his arm around me.
    I don’t hold him back, but relax and lean against him.
    Something tells me this may not be over–I may be able to dispose of OW. And now he knows–I want the ring and I do love him.
    I know it is strange, but even after 5 years he may not have been clear on that.
    So I get what I want or I leave. But how long will it take till I am sure?
    I am getting ready to ride on the back of Big Bob’s Harley to the River Fest.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:23am

  704. 704: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I started to believe he is long time ago. But I still wanted him and tried to justify everything that happened. Why did I want him? I don’t understand.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:23am

  705. 705: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Miss bells. I can see how they are interlinked. Maybe just be a siren and look after yourself, get on with your life around him and lean way way back. There has been quite a lot of stuff posted here recently about other women, check out roris past blog articles. I think the main this is to not mention the other woman.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:23am

  706. 706: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    700- the Harley sounds fun!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:26am

  707. 707: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    696 – I totally feel you. That’s exactly the same confusion I have had all this time. Whether I had to be warm and open, whether I had to just blow him off.

    My old pattern was getting mad and telling him to leave me alone, that he was a rock on my way, that everything he did was hurt me, and then he would come back again. When he did, all my anger was gone. This is so confusing.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:28am

  708. 708: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I would also melt into myself when he does that and say aaawww that feels so good, even if I don’t hug him back. Maybe if your really get deeply into yourself you might find yourself crying and sharing how afraid you feel about losing your life together. You really want to get deep into your feelings so you can share them in those tender moments. Otherwise in my mind your other option would be RockStaring it and living your life as if he is not there.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:29am

  709. 709: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I want to tell him so many things. I don’t want his last impression to be me, with low self esteem, trying to be his friend. Gosh it feels so embarrassing all the things I have said and done.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:34am

  710. 710: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise please look at how you felt and behaved after Dreamy. So you can know yourself and your patterns. So you can be empowered to change them this time around.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:37am

  711. 711: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 661 Siren Angel I love your comments to Memulo. This is the reason I like CCarter also. His info seems to complete Rori’s for me.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:40am

  712. 712: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    P-lala – Brava to YOU! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:42am

  713. 713: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmime most of us operate on autopilot for most of our lives. That is one of the reasons I said to you earlier that “you have a lot to learn” though it seems others might have been a bit triggered by that comment. You are learning to take care of yourself now. In the bigger picture you are learning at a very early age which is twice exponentially better than what I did. You had no experience before. Now you have personal experience as well as the experience of all the other ladies on the blog. That gives you power. Power to create your own magic moving forward. Try to find the balance, the humor, the nuggets in what you have through. This knowledge you can one day use to help another young lady or your own daughter. Now you have power and experience to move yourself away from toxic, icky feeling circumstances. But there is still a lot left to learn. I encourage you to stay open and curious. It will help keep you from getting jaded.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  714. 714: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    You mean staying open and curious to what?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:49am

  715. 715: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    P-la-la that felt so beautiful and soothing to read. I feel my internal energy vibrating “aaaaawwww this feels like home. Now I can peacefully strongly surrender”. Like the butterfly settling into her soft spot. I feel tearyeyed

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:51am

  716. 716: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    You are so right P-lala,

    Love isn’t supposed to be painful.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  717. 717: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, FW. I feel tearyeyed, too.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  718. 718: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    To life, to experiences, to learning about yourself, to loving yourself. So you can teach a man how to love you. It is very easy to shut down when hurt. And expect every other man to treat you the same way.

    AND beat yourself up by thinking “I was so stupid”. I have been there.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:54am

  719. 719: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    When I get on the blog and read, I just learn and aborb most the time.

    I read things that are written and I realize, “yeah, that is just what I feel, but did not have words to say it”. I seem to have such a limited vocabulary in “feelingeze”. I consistenly have the feelings though so that make me feel relieved.

    I have a lot on my heart. Thankfully it is not all “pain” like it was for so long. Living life upset and making due with it all the time is no way to live. With the last man I was with last, needed to be out of my life,he was not good for me, I wanted out, but only because he would not really BE MY MAN. Through all the things he did though, there was still an attraction that I had to HIM, under all his issues. I guess that is a seed of unconditional love. If he showed back up in my life, different (which would be a miracle)!!and offered me what I needed and wanted, I feel that seed would most likely burst forth and grow. That is a scarey thing to feel, but nonetheless it is there and I freely admit it.

    Having already tried so many of the tools I found on here to no avail in that relationship….my energies are spend on me now. I dont want a repeat of what I have lived with again.

    Shifting my vibe is proving to be taking some work or should I say feels like work to me. Maybe though it isnt and is shifted already. I guess I will know it when I experience the fruit of it in my life.

    The CD I have met twice. He is so different from anyone I have ever met. There was a time in my life when I would have not given him a second chance. When I look at men as practice then it takes the pressure off. He has a different energy. There are times I feel attracted to him and other times he says something that kills that attraction. So…. instead of being turned off and shutting down, I speak up. I tell him how I feel good or bad ! NEW behavior for me and it feels really Genuine TRUE to MYSELF. To my amazement he is not dis-engaging and he is hearing me and adjusting himself to me!. THAT is amazing me. I have no attachment to the outcome other than to be true to me at my core and this guy is still engaged and pursuing me. WOW

    I remember writing that he feels like a raging bull coming at me but…. I am reminded just now of the story of “Ferdanan the Bull”…. He was a bull that just loved the aroma of flowers. Since I have been visualizing myself as an aromatic flower I feel amused.


    Tam…. I read what you wrote about maybe seeing Mr U as your future husband like Rori’s situation years ago. I feel sad when I read what you wrote. Like you were contemplating giving up some dream of yours. I hope you dont. Like I wrote, living life and making due with it, really isnt living at all in my experience. ((hugs)) to you.


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:58am

  720. 720: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 649 Tam Imagine at 40 odd you are still learning. I say be open to becoming intimate with yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Don’t worry about intimacy with him. Keep sharing your feelings is all you can really do, as you become intimate with you.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  721. 721: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I just feel very confused at the moment. Last time I talked to him I was being friendly after he blew me off once we started talking about emotional stuff. I can’t have him thinking I am so willing to be his friend after everything I’ve been through. I am switching this vibe and I want him to know it so bad.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:00am

  722. 722: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    717- FW

    Here here!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:00am

  723. 723: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine – “Love isn’t supposed to be painful.” Exactly, that’s an important lesson to learn. Love (relationships) can be hard, but the one who loves you, I believe, will never hurt you on purpose…that’s not love.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:05am

  724. 724: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Linda the last couple times I read your comments they seem reflective and introspective to me. Earlier they seemed a bit prickly. I read back some in 2010 maybe 2009? and those seemed filled with a lot of curiosity and learning to me. If my comments mean anything to you I would say that I have experienced your vibe as shifting based on the energy behind your words. I feel love towards yourself in 718.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:05am

  725. 725: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine he has to know nothing. You don’t have to share anything. I would focus on the present moment, the one in which he contacts me in the future. Rori has an article about it being useless to teach a man anything, I encourage you to read it.

    He was clear that he is in college and do whatever he wants. I encourage you to let him. He will likely thank you one day in the future. Right now take care of yourself is what I say. I can imagine him wondering why you would want to be friendly with him. He must even be scornful of himself in his own mind after treating you like that.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:09am

  726. 726: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:


    re: shifting your vibe

    Is it possible that by TELLING him that you are shifting your vibe, you are actually SHOWING him that you are not. Shifting your vibe means focussing on you. If you need him to know it, you are focussing on him. Instead of telling him that you are shifting your vibe with your words, consider showing him by your behavior.

    Does that feel possible?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  727. 727: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As a matter of fact Jasmine it might be more helpful to heal your relationship with your dad rather than focussing on this man. Your relationship with your dad can teach you a lot about yourself.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  728. 728: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    lol FW, I think we’re on the same page. :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  729. 729: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 725 Very good point.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  730. 730: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine.. Could I suggest something that I had to do when I first found this blog.

    Go stand in front of the mirror. Look at yourself. Find something you find beautiful and like about you. Stand there and compliment it. “Say I love “_____” YOur words are a paintbrush dipped in love. Paint yourself. It was my first baby step the beginning of my transformation and finding my bridge.


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:13am

  731. 731: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    Screw this all. I’m not talking to him again. He doesn’t care anyway. I’m glad I know it. I will get through this by myself. I don’t need his compassion or understanding. He lost his chance.

    Time to care about me.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:14am

  732. 732: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    The fact that it’s not secret anymore may take some of the attraction away.
    She may think this is the beginning of something–but actually he is establishing a pattern with her–a couple of hours a week + 1 email in between.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  733. 733: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    725 – Those are exactly the words I needed to hear. I understood all of a sudden. This is all about me. I really thank you for this. It makes perfect sense.


    He did feel bad when he said that because he then apologized. So I accepted his apology and it was alright again. He didn’t feel guilty anymore because I would still be friendly. I was so naive. But I’m tired of thinking about the same thing. Thank you for your help.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  734. 734: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    729 – Thank you. I will

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  735. 735: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    He was chiding me about not locking up the house and I said “that’s the man’s job–guarding the house.
    Him “You just don’t want to do it…blah blah…”
    Me: who’s better at protecting the house–YOU or me?
    Him: “I am…”
    He was actually beaming.
    I am a very self-contained person. FM hard for me. But I do have lots of strong feelings… Just hard to speak them.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  736. 736: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – Yes I can own all of those things. Curious, introstpective, prickly, learning, reflective and more.

    My focus used to be on a relationship… and I do want one just as much as I ever have. The thing is, now my focus is on me and a relationship fitting me no me fitting into a relationship. It was like I had my shoes on first and then put my socks on later.

    Funny word picture, sad way to live.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  737. 737: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    sometimes when i see my reflection in the mirror i’m just like “wow, you are so uniquely beautiful”


    i’m going to see that psychic healer lady in a few hours.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  738. 738: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    Actually, my relationship with my dad is bad. Not that we don’t get along, but he doesn’t talk much. It’s not an open relationship at all. He is just my dad. That’s all.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  739. 739: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Something I have noticed about myself… I have no desire or need to share with a new person in my life my “past relationship story” , I have been asked by this new CD. I felt hesitant and said I will someday perhaps… he said “I want to know”…

    Fact is, I am not inclinded to share anything at all becasue I it feels like draggin in “old dirt” on a new clean carpet. I also am realizing that hidden in between the words if I share that I am secretly hoping to be validated and given sympathy or empathy. I not feeling like that is productive for me and may even be In fact me wishing for some sort of subconscious closure for an past thing, gained thru a new person. That feels pretty sick and twisted to me.

    I have not been one to share stuff like that readily anyway. Now after reflecting on it all, I am going to catagorize that in a “when is it to early to sleep with him” category. Which is… it is too early to tell him about your past relationship i.e. (sleep with him) if…
    1) If you dont know his long term plans for you
    2) If you dont feel safe.
    3) If you are not exclusive
    4) If you are not emotionally intimate or connected.

    Dating is romantic research time
    The deeper stuff is for building relationship

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:53am

  740. 740: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:56am

  741. 741: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 9:56am

  742. 742: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ((((Emoticon)))))

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  743. 743: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine our dads are a powerhouse of wisdom about men. Also they are the easiest at using for practice with being with men. They are right there. They can show us howb men can possibly react to us. They can also teach us how men should treat us. A great dad can be the best man. Jasmine spend some time shifting that relationship with him. Another siren encouraged me to do the same thing a few months ago.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:10am

  744. 744: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Brava Linda. Your words reflect my thinking.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:13am

  745. 745: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    P-lala I feel in awe of u right now

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  746. 746: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    And if you have a truly defective Dad–mentally ill, absent, abusive, alcoholic, then the work is much harder… but it must be done.
    Mine was a couple of those things–dead now– but I shave done the work…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:16am

  747. 747: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Another clue: I went for a haircut the other day and the cheating house mate practically yelled at me to keep it long. He appeared to have very strong feelings about my hair. Not like a house mate that is “dating” some OW.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  748. 748: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    FW, i have been trying to shift my relationship with my dad. he has been reacting differently. i don’t feel as much anger towards him as i used to. it feels nicer to be around him. he gives me compliments now. he never had my whole life.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:20am

  749. 749: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    745: have done the work- not shave. Typo.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  750. 750: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    This guy that was rude to me is still writing me mean spirited messages (im not reading them) on facebook.

    Should i block him? ive never blocked anyone…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  751. 751: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel terrified

    this feels like trauma

    i want to heal this

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  752. 752: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yes- block. Social media is one of my businesses. There should be zero tolerance for abuse.
    If you need techie help, let me know.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  753. 753: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I want to see a psychic too. I feel interested in knowing how your visit goes if you are willing to share.

    My sister saw one her in New York City last year who told her not to leave her job (she was thinking about going to do a Phd) and the psychic told her there was a promotion coming her way. It’s been less than a year since she went there and she already got two promotions at work.

    The psychic also told her that she would get married and have three children. I felt she had some anxiety about that so I’m glad she is hopeful again. She is in the thirties and seemed so cynical when my brother got married at 23. She seemed to enjoy the wedding itself but every family activity outside of that she missed. And the one she did come to she got mad at our mother (her stepmom) because she wanted my us to stop talking about marriage and my mom wouldn’t stop so she left. :(

    The psychic also told my sisters friend to stop gossiping at work. My sister told me that her friend is the office gossiper lol so I feel so interested in what a say chic would say to me, especially with the strange dreams I have been having.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:28am

  754. 754: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im reading reading 12 hours a day

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:30am

  755. 755: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon – awww, thanks. I have so much courage to muster in the coming months, but I’m sure I’m up to the task with the help of the women here.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  756. 756: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    Much love to you.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  757. 757: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    Much love to you.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  758. 758: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I feel worried about this guy cyber harassing you.

    I feel angry.

    Remembering being harassed by girls at school.

    Remembering when I harassed a girl.

    I feel soooo guilty.

    I’m not a bad person, I dealt with my anger in a way I no longer feel suitable.

    I forgive me. She forgives me.

    Sigh. It’s okay.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  759. 759: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I feel worried about this guy cyber harassing you.

    I feel angry.

    Remembering being harassed by girls at school.

    Remembering when I harassed a girl.

    I feel soooo guilty.

    I’m not a bad person, I dealt with my anger in a way I no longer feel suitable.

    I forgive me. She forgives me.

    Sigh. It’s okay.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  760. 760: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    kings think ahead

    to the generation of genrations

    this world is run by undercover kings

    i will free and heal myself

    what is that i can see ahead for generations of my generation

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:25am

  761. 761: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:26am

  762. 762: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells I feel concerned about this “the cheating house mate” thinking. It will spillover somehow if this is what is on your mind. First I would be clear with myself if he is my partner or if I want him to be. Then the “cheating” is really his business. He can do with his body whatever he wants, even if he is married to you. You have the choice to not be around him if that is the way he wants to or he chooses to live his life. You have to take responsibility also, I believe, for your part in the dynamic. Blaming him for everything that went work I believe will keep you stuck.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  763. 763: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    typo “that went wrong”

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:37am

  764. 764: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    “Blaming him for everything that went work [wrong] I believe will keep you stuck.”

    This is exactly what I was trying to say in #577. I was blaming him for everything and feeling ‘superior’ somehow (even though I felt sad and hurt inside) and had the expectation that if HE would just change everything would be better/different. But he didn’t change until *I* changed. It had to start with ME <3

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  765. 765: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    3080: Tasha says:

    So I am stumped. I’ve bought multiple programs and read them and have a general grasp on them, but I haven’t had the opportunity really to “practice”. I am just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. and I have a pursuer. This pursuer is so incredibly into me that I am just shocked and not sure how to react. So Even if I wanted to, I don’t have multiple men coming around to date more than one at a time. And more than once in the past I get this from a guy: “So we are exclusive right?” And this is really early on when it doesn’t make much sense. I don’t really like that question as my answer always wants to be no, but when in reality, we are because there is no one else around. So How do I work around that…….?
    Also, this particular fella that is randomly Very into me, I personally don’t know that well so I don’t have those kind of intense feelings although I am definitely intrigued and interested and curious and physically attracted. But you say to date until you get a commitment/marriage? I am pretty sure that this guy would marry me in a heartbeat if I gave him permission but I’ve said no just because I think he is crazy to want to and it hasn’t been very long since we’ve met. I’m very into him, but the thought of marriage after a short time is intimidating to me. So, the opportunity is there, to make it exclusive in the way your directions say, yet I am not there. I am confused because while I would love to get married and be a wife, I don’t know what to think about someone that is so interested so early, and two, I can’t seem to do the circular dating. My fear is that because I am not circular dating I will fall crazy for him and then he will lose interest like the last reader’s newsletter post and my past relationships, or I could just run off and marry him and take my chances………Please help me. Tasha

    Rori Raye says:

    Tasha! You’re in an amazing situation! Now – just tease this out past at least 4 months to see if this guy if for real – you can Circular Date with or without dating – it has nothing to do with him, it’s all about healing yourself…and if you want to marry him, marry him! Just be sure you feel confident that you’ve seen the worst of him – so be sure to not let it just be surface…you need to find out if he’s for real a great guy…(in my experience, the great guys fall fast and they fall hard, and that’s it – it’s forever. But if you’re not all that experienced – it could take a bit to tell the great guys falling hard for the weird guys LOOKING like they’re falling hard. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:44am

  766. 766: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild that feeling of superiority is what I believe affect many relationships negatively. We innocuously tell them that our ideas are better than theirs, they don’t know how to take care of themselves, they don’t know how to handle a relationship. That we are the best man we know. Better than them so we try to change them. Because they are not good enough.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  767. 767: FrancescaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella @477

    I just sent you a FB friend’s request (from Siren Island)and another one to join your TA group.

    I also watched the video of you trying a few tricks and boy, does it look hard to do! I can even hear you breathing!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:02pm

  768. 768: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    So Mr Affectionnate called this morning and I missed it. He called again. The conversation was awkward to say the least. He said to me “that’s what you saying to your husband?”

    I don’t kno I haven’t even told him how I feel about the last week but he can clearly sense that I don’t feel as close to him as I used to. When he called himself my daddy yesterday I said “My daddy is in St.Lucia.” and when he called himself my husband today I said ” I don’t have a husband.”

    I wish I just used a FM and told him about all the sadness from the past week and last night but I just didn’t have one. I could barely be present in the conversation. I feel do withdrawn.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:05pm

  769. 769: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused is what I have learned to say Emoticon. Then when he asks why. I would let him know what my vision of my husband is. How he relates to me.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:10pm

  770. 770: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel withdrawn and I don’t want to feel that way, we used to feel so close and the past week the lack of contact has me feeling really distant

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  771. 771: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW. I do feel confused.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  772. 772: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i love myself enough to bathe
    i love myself enough to bathe


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  773. 773: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have a male friend who felt very offended when someone asked a girl he was dating in his presence if he was her husband. He is obviously attracted to her but she reacted to the person like “hell no” with her body language though her words only said no. In circumstances like that I practice letting people be themselves. Sometimes thing leak out of their subconscious that teach me things about them

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  774. 774: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Saturday Sirens,

    I have been catching up on the posts, wow. Lot’s going on. I had a rough week emotionally, processing stuff from when I was a kid. My twin called me on the phone and said she was feeling like she didn’t have a voice and it was exactly how I was feeling and we talked about what anniversary it was for the trauma we endured at the hands of our father. She is such an inspiration to me, she has really dealt with these issues and has been running her own business now for 5-7 years. So even though I am experiencing growing pains putting myself out there dating and starting my own business, I know it will happen.

    who is CL?
    This is different than CF, right?

    I hope to check back in later after going out to swim and play tennis with my son…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

  775. 775: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Or is it that you are feeling turned off? Do you need frequent contact and lots of attention to feel turned on?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:18pm

  776. 776: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    HW you are a twin!! How fascinating. I always feel lit up and intrigued when I seem twins

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:20pm

  777. 777: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t like reading about that guy being mean to you on fb, that is not appropriate.


    I feel all protective

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:22pm

  778. 778: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I am an identical twin….it is a real gift, we are really helping each other now that we have worked out the competition thing out….
    now we can really be there for each other,
    before, my parents only noticed us when one of us was better at something, so we competed against each other for everything….

    do you have a sister?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:25pm

  779. 779: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Yes, FW…and in learning “Rori” I could look back and see that when I thought I was having a healthy discussion with him—what I was really doing was saying that he was ‘wrong.’ (Like Rori says, as soon as we make them ‘wrong’ they shut down and stop listening.)

    NOT that what he was doing wasn’t hurting my feelings or making me feel bad—-but my vibe was just pushing him away. He was thinking he just couldn’t make me happy and probably wasn’t the guy for me and stopped trying.

    One thing that stands out so clearly from the very beginning of our relationship was that he would say to me with this huge smile on his face, “You make me feel like SUCH a GOOD man.”

    At the time, it was nice to hear, but I didn’t quite “get it.” After finding Rori—I totally get it 😉

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

  780. 780: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I just came back from visiting my guy and his situation is beyond terrible. He says that his kid is gone for him and there is nothing he can do. From my talking to other people it sounds about right. His ex played very very dirty and his lawyer didn’t say anything and the court accepted his ex’s version of the story or should I say no story, because there is nothing against him. I read the accusations, I did not know things like that can happen at all. With no proof from their side, just words, he was accused of the worst. There is a good chance he will only be able to see the kid 3 hours a week supervised for good

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:27pm

  781. 781: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I called a friend and got the contacts of a good lawyer. My guy says it’s too late. The damage is irreversible

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  782. 782: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    If I look someone up on facebook will they get my profile as a friend suggestion? I think they will.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 12:47pm

  783. 783: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Memulo, that sounds completely unfair and I am so sorry to read that and feel compassionate to him for his grief at this point.
    One of my CD’s just breaks into tears when he talks about how hard it was for him to lose the status of being a full time dad…..

    Y’know, summer where I live is so short that when the weather is good, we all go from the minute we get up till it gets dark and today I feel so tired, even though it is sunny, I have not been out except to bathe in the sun and get some vit d…..

    and this is my long winded way of saying, i really like coming here, love this space of support and watching each other growing….but it has just been super incredibly busy with swimming and biking and working….

    so it feels good to be a little burnt out around the edges and saying hi :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:00pm

  784. 784: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW I would have felt bad too

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

  785. 785: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW I don’t feel turned off so much as I feel insecure.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:23pm

  786. 786: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Memulo…I’m not sure where you live, but look up ‘Father’s Rights’ or Father’s Support online. I know there are groups to help in situations like this. Also, Legal Aid groups often help with family law cases.

    I’m going to look online and see if I can find something for you. It IS his situation and he has to handle it—-but everyone needs support sometimes <3

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:24pm

  787. 787: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you HW, I appreciate it. He was not trying to be a full time dad, he wanted 50%. I honestly don’t know what will happen to him in this situation. I feel very scared.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:26pm

  788. 788: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    at my brith many spirits were present

    they came to me in books

    and some came thru my blood and bones


    the vaccinnes

    they came to pay homage to me and tell me the story

    i am the one

    the east star came down to see

    princess of what is the world

    blue blood

    everyone wants

    kin to me

    i am starbright

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  789. 789: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Memulo, is one and is another one with information and resources that may help.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  790. 790: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you so much. I will take a look

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:37pm

  791. 791: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Did you write that poem? I really like it… it about you…

    just bought my son a supersoaker water gun on amazon and got it expedited shipping so he can bring it to his camp for cancer kids, which is the most fun camp in the entire world, he has been packing his “raiding” supplies all week, getting ready for raiding the other cabins and the girl’s cabins…..

    camp ta-kum-ta is the name of his camp…..where kids with cancer get to come and just be kids…..
    i love them all so much…..

    and the other siren who mentioned the psychic, i have a story to share but do not want to share publicly on the blog… could we share on that?


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  792. 792: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    He looked at his birthday gift pretty much right away but didn’t thank me. Sat at the table with the food I made for bfast on his plate but didn’t eat it. I made physical contact a lot, gave him foot massage, I think he was able to sleep a bit. He did not initiate anything further of course. At the end I insisted that we stepped out because I wanted ice cream, so we went to the street, he took me to ‘his’ ice cream spot and I made sure he served my little desert and coffee for me.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  793. 793: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    if anyone ever wants to contact me off the blog just click on my name and it will go to my website

    it feels so cozy to just be on the blog and do dishes and putter….but i feel guilty not getting out there into that sunshine….

    and my son is such a sweetheart, i feel so grateful he is in my life

    and i feel so lucky that i had a great lunch with PESTO!!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  794. 794: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    I don’t know who else talked about seeing a psychic, but I’ve been thinking about it, as well. If you start a discussion somewhere about this I’d like to be included. This has been heavy on my mind since my fiance died, but I feel a somewhat embarrassed to talk about it here.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:13pm

  795. 795: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Flower child,

    Starla mentioned seeing one and I added that I feel extremely interested in seeing one also. I gave a story about my sister and her friend. I feel really eager to hear about your experience if u do see one.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:28pm

  796. 796: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    HW it was me I will try to contact you on your website. I feel eager to hear your story as well.

    I was not aware your son had cancer. I feel good hearing that he gets to come together with other kids and have fun and raid each others places. I also feel good hearing that your helping him by buying him a super soaker gun. Feeling warmth in my heart. He is lucky yo have a mom who is also a healing waterfall.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:36pm

  797. 797: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Look up she is a psychic

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:39pm

  798. 798: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    u guys if i give up my defenses and my claims of why im ‘better than’ i feel so terrified

    i feel certain i will be raped aand murdered and tortured and my kids will be in front of me and i will feel ruin and horrible heartbreak and

    i won’t be able to handle it

    and i feel shame

    i feel shame i can’t handle what other women have and can

    i feel terrified

    i will lay myself open for those things

    by living my life like these brave women

    i feel terrified

    id rather hide
    nd pretend im one of the opressors

    or a foolish girl

    i fele horrible

    i feel terrified

    this is so huge to me

    im the last of my family

    i can be exterminated

    i feel terrified

    i want to make blood but not if my blood is killed

    that is a lie they sold someone a long time ago huh grandma or great grandma


    i want help here thank u all who know and hear me

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:44pm

  799. 799: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel terrified of living on the streets as a homeless prostitute

    i feel terrified of dying

    i feel terrified of being raped

    i feel terrified of so many things that keep me hidign adn [retending cuz its ‘safer’

    not questioning sometimes were my judgement has come from it has come from the

    ‘safety’ fo being a privileged class watching aNOTher class struggle

    AHA i see it

    all the kids without limbs and the kids sleeping in sewers

    it was a drrama

    the kids are gone now



    ‘that can happen to me’ is the message i got

    i give myself permission to shift my perspective

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:47pm

  800. 800: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    in celebrating myself, i revolution, i heal and resound…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

  801. 801: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    If I look someone up on facebook will they get my profile as a friend suggestion? Anyone has an opinion about it?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 2:55pm

  802. 802: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    what if i schedule my man time so that i have one Planned slot a day, and impromptu freedom around that?

    so i dont have to feel panicked planning, i can just say.. Friday…

    and dont have to try to squirrel him into picking a time so that 8i can have the rest of the day to make my plans

    this way, thell be less for me to wrory about, and

    i might feel more open to making ahead of time planst

    WHich i enjoy

    AND will be able to have backup plans



    no rush!

    ONE slot a day!


    wooo planning

    im doing it

    thanks men

    for hte practice planning

    i used ot think i was apoor planner

    planning something made me find a thousand ways to skip it

    i RESENT plannning

    and i know y

    ucz im a free spirit

    and now im claiming my power for me

    my power to NOT plan

    my power to do it my way

    do me

    do me do me

    watever that means

    it means i feel excited

    about my new experiemnt

    of getting one official date a day so i can say ‘im free saturday’


    i feel shy about that

    i lve my shyness

    i feel HORRIBLE embarassed saying soemthing liek that


    its ounds so formal andunnatural

    they taught me NOT to be girly

    i can claim my power in that too

    just tseps till ic an setp mey own


    its ok baby darai

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:05pm

  803. 803: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Well maybe is a issue of semantics, but for me is not ignoring per se, but dropping everything and focusing in me…I am not ignoring him since I know he is there, I just don’t do anything to make him get close, I just come back to me and let him be, and sometimes I end up forgetting and becoming bored about him. If he comes I am open to listen and feel, but if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t and I am so full of things to do and men to talk to that his ‘childish’ behavior becomes irrelevant and I don’t fall into the chasing game…

    It is more like indifference to the way I don’t want to be treated than to actually ignoring him as a whole…

    Yesterday I saw “D” after one year and a few months… still a bit the same, but I could see a little more openness, just don’t see what I want in him (yet) who knows. Went on second meeting with virgo guy today, and I liked him a bit more today, he has that serenity, honesty, strong softness and he is a gentleman…I can appreciate that now.

    I am feeling more relaxed about relationship, no rush to be with someone… there’s lots of time to experiment, feel and get what I want. :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:10pm

  804. 804: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    R stayed overnight! We cuddled and got along well! :-)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:21pm

  805. 805: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW, Linda and Smile for your nice comments…

    I just got back from my surprise date, it was great. This was a second date and the guy is very nice, he planned a day at a ‘dark museum’, where it is totally dark and there are sounds and things to feel and you have to walk with a stick…the guides are blind people whom you never see and there is even a bar (that was the freakiest bit as there are all these noises and your senses get really confused).

    It was amazing…and scary to see and feel what blind people see and feel. partly it was amazing to just having to rely on your smell, touch and hearing…and on another level it was so scary and primeval fear sets in…but an amazing date for sure.

    We then went for some drinks into the city.
    The guy is very much into me because we have similar values and both emigrated etc., but I feel totally neutral towards him. He is a nice man and we kissed at the end of the date for a looooooong time, and he is a very good kisser – but I felt nothing. Not unpleasant but not particularly pleasant either.

    Well, it was a nice evening. I did not hear from MrU today, and that was a relief of sorts, as I am at a loss as to how to stay open and how to get into my feelings with him and keep doing it when I just get cold blocks of info…I feel that I have not yet found the words to say some things, perhaps they don’t need to be said or it takes time, and in some ways I do expect him to disappear again also….

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:21pm

  806. 806: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Radlove, I wondered how it went, wow!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:23pm

  807. 807: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    i just thought about something

    men don’t feel good at anything except sex




    yall are awesome at so much more

    i want to start appreciating it sooooo much

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:36pm

  808. 808: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    amazing Daria

    spectacular author

    getter of what she wanter

    eya eya eya

    i love Dariaaa aa aaa

    eya eya eyaooo

    Daria Darioo

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:42pm

  809. 809: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Memulo…I’m not sure—so someone else correct me if I’m wrong,—but I think the only way they get a ‘friend invite’ is if you actually send them a ‘friend request.’

    I don’t think there is any way for you to know that someone has ‘looked’ at your profile or FB wall. And that also depends on how you have your profile set (private/just friends/friends of friends, etc.)

    Does that help?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:44pm

  810. 810: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my parents said this kinda sillyness and boasting about myself and self absorbtion was against the rules



    i feel ashamed when i catch myself do it

    i hear the voices of all the reading spirits saying

    aach that girl that inappropriate girl uch ew ugh

    no class that girl no guh

    condemn her

    damn her

    burn her to sthe steak

    shes no good

    she all wood

    shes a threat to us

    shell make us and our lil girl s ljust like her and her

    awful ness

    no we bless we say we stress

    we must kill


    kill her dead

    burn her up

    let her die today

    ew want her

    we want her dead cuz we are mad at her

    and also ‘

    we’re scared

    cuz tehysdsaid

    theyd burn s up

    burn me up

    it hurt me a long time ago

    and it felet bad

    and i dont want

    to feel that way again

    so ill trun her

    in prfont of me

    so ii can avoid misery

    cuz i cant handle yet another

    harn to my soul again

    ouch ouch the pain is ther

    it tiwsits me everywhere

    jsut let me rest

    in this life

    so i dont have to care

    about my pain that hides under

    ouch i said

    just let it go

    just let it get overed and burst with pussy phlegm icky they said

    its icky niside of me

    an buggers are icky too

    and one plus one has to equal two haha thas wast he said

    he said my figners are for math and counting all this stuff

    he said its good for girls to run

    and be the winner


    i felt so shy to see him sometime s i felt so scared

    im scared i dont know what to say to my dad

    looks like a bear

    he has a pipe and a black beared and he looks like the stories say

    i read so much as a lil child maybe i should watch

    what i read and what i read to my li l babies

    they can find stuff on their won to read but iwhat i read might have to be some stuff i woul d feel too

    oh help our souls we cannot handle the troauma of hte past

    we do not want to die in droves and starve like so many passed

    i can show u a movie

    of corpeses that they saw

    i know my great grandfathers hid for their lives

    help hlep im drowing

    in all this poison gas

    its got my water flaouridated it got me feelign funny has

    they said our winters are so hard that many of us would die

    many of us were alcoholics and we had probelems why

    here comes Daria the ‘problem solver’ trained to be this way

    i must forget my training

    to look at what is there


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:50pm

  811. 811: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    alcoholics living under pain it say

    stress or not freedom had to feel that way

    i can heal all this if i heal it in me

    i can do all this if i share it with me

    i can spread a word aroudn and make it really heard

    i can get it heard

    aroudn the world

    so shy ima lady got my fingers gowin crazy on this board

    hurtin my arms i ouch playin the word rhyme game

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:54pm

  812. 812: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love giving myself validation

    i just KNOW im smart

    first, my family is smart – ok so thats my first crutch

    second, im good in school – second cructh

    third, i just want to believe in myself and that i just am because i am – AND cuz everyone is – i want to believe this

    help thank you!!!

    angels i feel open for help thank you!

    i feel like i cant breathe enough of that energy adn i feel such a desperate craving to breathe in and live bathed in it!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

  813. 813: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:


    I believe that if you search for someone on FB and look at their profile, you will typically then show up on their “friend suggestions” sidebar. I don’t know that for sure, but I assume it works that way based on things I’ve noticed.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:21pm

  814. 814: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    You probably know more about it than I do…but that hasn’t been my experience. The people who show up in my “people you may know” column are always people who are ‘friends’ of people I’m ‘friends’ with.

    I’ve checked out other profiles, here and there, just to look at pics I’ve heard them talking about, etc. and these ones do not show up in my side column (unless there is a connection with friends in common.)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:27pm

  815. 815: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FlowerChild and P-lala!

    It sounds like my only option, given that my profile and even the front photo is only available to friends, if I look someone new up to block them immediately.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:39pm

  816. 816: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I went to the psychic today and it felt lovely

    She told me that the coincidences that pop up about CF aren’t “signs” to hold on, but actually realities exchanging. That new dimensions pivot on those coincidences.

    i like it!

    she also said that a hugely awesome guy/relationship is coming for me very very very soon. She even gave me a timeline.

    And she cleared out anything that’s holding me back from moving on from CF.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 4:56pm

  817. 817: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Starla! I almost see like all little clouds fly off the sky above you 😉

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:11pm

  818. 818: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    That’s amazing, Starla. Was it very expensive?

    I’m so happy it made you feel better :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:18pm

  819. 819: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Radlove…It’s good to hear you so happy…

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:26pm

  820. 820: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah it was on the pricey side but totally worth it.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 5:33pm

  821. 821: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Still unleashing a torrential wave of toxic goo…I was going to chronicle all of the stuff but I don’t know if I can keep up.
    Again and old memory pops of of where I shut down and held in my feelings, and instead of replaying it I say (either in my mind or out loud) what I am feeling, and get a different ending.
    So instead of feeling abused again and again, the characters in my mind hold me and love me and ask me for what I need or know what to do automatically and my mind is just kind of doing it on it’s own.
    Some come up just to be released, some have come up needing a little help using some absurd imagery.
    Last night a dream showed me that I had been going too far with men sexually too early and then stopping short, because unconsciously I thought I was just too weird for wanting something committed and exclusive.
    I still feel feverish, and torn between wanting to get out and get fresh air or lying on the couch and breathing. I feel amazed. As if some part of me always knew this was possible, but it’s better than I knew it could be.
    The ex that I got validation from in my mind, called and offered me unsolicited validation the next day. I sat there slack-jawed and open-mouthed. Something I never thought he would say.
    The body is wanting simple things…high quality fish oil (scored for free at Whole Foods!), kombucha, water, nibbles of veggies and nuts.

    When I think of all the times I fasted and detoxed thinking *that* would be the key…wow. I had no idea I needed to detox my thoughts.
    This is amazing.
    I feel like I am literally metamorphisizing.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:03pm

  822. 822: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam what a great experience to really be in your body. Great date idea

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:33pm

  823. 823: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Radlove!!! So happy for you!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 6:46pm

  824. 824: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Soo tonight I’m making myself so beautiful, did my nails this afternoon (((Starla))), and I’m going out!! I feel very nice, been with my best friend all day, watched a few movies with her and now it’s girls time :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:08pm

  825. 825: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    That is very nice!! I’m happy for ya!!!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:09pm

  826. 826: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    (((All Sirens))) too many to list!

    Starla – Glad psychic lady made you feel good. I’ve always wanted to try that. It’s funny, Mr. Observant was trying to find a place for us to go to last night.

    Radlove – I’m glad you had an enjoyable evening! :)

    Memulo – I feel so sad for your guy. This would be a huge knock down for anyone. You can’t do anything, so just listen to him and offer your support. I hope things don’t end up this way for Mr. Observant, but they likely could. There’s been a lot going on these past few days, he’s been really stressed, but he told me he appreciates me just letting him vent and talk while I listen. I will offer some words and usually what I say is in a way he hadn’t thought of, so sometimes a different perspective is good, but it can’t be abrasive or strong, if you know what I mean. Just one sentence here and there. He’s pretty open to hearing my thoughts and will ask what I think. He also like to hug for long periods of time and we don’t talk, just hug.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:16pm

  827. 827: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Good for you Jasmine, keep it up! :)

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:22pm

  828. 828: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    I did not know that Carol Allen was a psychic also. I heard her speak once and she is amazing.

    Radlove, wow! sounds fun!

    Great news about CF and a new guy coming in….hooray Starla….


    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:25pm

  829. 829: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you. It’s good you have something to suggest to your guy, because I don’t. The story started too long ago and he didn’t give me much details (plus I did not want to hear them) until pretty much now. He is very smart and thought of a lot of things, he didn’t expect her to act so dirty. And the lawyer did not defend him.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:26pm

  830. 830: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Emerson for your sweet words….yes, my boy is amazing and strong and a super big gift to me….so i love getting him supersoaker gifts…..thanks….

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:27pm

  831. 831: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    It seems all the harassing has stopped. I hope for good. She blocked me, which I chuckle at because I hadn’t contacted her once, so there was no need to block me.

    I feel better yesterday and today about the situation. Mr. Observant seems to be taking control and that feels really good to me.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:40pm

  832. 832: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    There must be a way for him to appeal it, even if just for the poor representation by his attorney. It seems nothing is ever final in custody hearings, as parents are constantly dragging each other back to court for things.

    Good night, Sirens!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:44pm

  833. 833: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    CL keeps texting me and texting me random stuff, like a play-by-play of his life, even though i don’t answer. i get the sense he has absolutely no one else to text this random crap to?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:47pm

  834. 834: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, why doesn’t he join facebook

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:49pm

  835. 835: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Poor representation appeal? Is that how it works?

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 7:53pm

  836. 836: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lol memulo
    he said “facebook isn’t very metal”
    and he’s right
    but neither is texting a girl you like over and over and over

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:05pm

  837. 837: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    lol “Every time I receive a text, I feel more and more distant and turned off.”

    That should take care of that.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  838. 838: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lol p-lala you’ve been on a sweet siren scripting roll, but i think that one is too mean hehehehe

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:14pm

  839. 839: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Today when we went for ice cream I was closer to the register and they expected me to pay, but I called him instead;) Also, I had to wait till they make my coffee and we were sitting at the table by that time. Instead of going to pick it I told him – I think my coffee is ready and he got up and brought it for me. That felt so good! I could see he liked it, despite his terrible mood and hopeless feelings.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:15pm

  840. 840: P-lalaNo Gravatar says:

    lol Starla, 😉

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:18pm

  841. 841: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    the psychic said that one of the best ways for me to get unstuck right now is to join an orchestra or some sort of group where i can use my musical talent (particularly my arms)

    so i am going to buy myself a nicer instrument that is performance worthy and get to it. cool!

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 8:42pm

  842. 842: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Belle I enjoyed reading your comments. Glad to see you are on your healing path.

    Saturday, 21 July 2012 @ 10:07pm

  843. 843: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Ladies,
    and good morning!!Hope you are all well.

    Woke up with a dsitinct feeling of fear…and started to do Darias suggestion of giving myself a long big hug and saying ‘I love me’. Only three months ago I’d have thought this would be totally wacky, now I relish it and it felt great.

    Another thing I noticed this week is that my reliance on ‘man-crack’ is slowly fading. The date yesterday was great, but I have no feelings for the guy (just a blank, totally neutral), and he is very much into me, he was already trying to make concrete future plans for visiting in Florida (as he is flying back there now) and even offered me to stay in his house – in the guest room, if I wanted to come and had nowhere to stay. I was grateful and thanked him but again, I felt nothing much.
    Before, it would provide me with a hughe high when someone was into me (even if I was not into them all that much), and I would feel great. This week I had men flying at me left, right and centre – and yes, it felt good in a communicating/socialising way, but it did not give me the high of a drug fix (well, I don’t know how that feels, perhaps I should say ‘chocolate fix’..haha). I am hoping this is because I am healing and not because all my feelings and thoughts are with MrU.
    I suspect a bit of both.

    He hasn’t been in contact after our last email exchange, I feel curious and am already thinking of my next practice run of staying open and being into my feelings. Our last email exchange was a little odd because we had been coming to the conclusion that ‘men and women are differently wired’ and he said that at last I realised this….as if I never knew this..hehe.
    It was almost a little trigger for me because I always maintained that men and women are different, but he used to use it as an excuse to say that ‘men need variety’, most are not ‘one-woman men’ and so on. The line that men are different was usually used to explain bad/inappropriate behaviour towards women, so it felt to me.
    So I was kind of saying that I believe men and women are different but there is also a difference between good men/not so good men and the same with women. I then went into a real little piece about what I like about men and that I feel sad that I always had a more negative view based on my past experiences of family and abuse.
    I then just said that I am hopeful that all the men I know and meet are good men and one day I will have a relationship with a great, loyal and loving man….
    I don’t really care of any of this triggers him, because it is how I feel and what I know and it’s a big change of me thinking ‘all men are cheaters, liars etc etc’. I am proud to share my new found positivity about men.

    The date ‘playing blind’ was a great experience of being in your body…one thing I noticed was that when a lot of people are talking, and you can’t see them, the body is totally overloaded with information.
    This is how I feel sometimes. I feel overloaded with my feelings because they are coming at me, sometimes all together, and I have a problem of identifying the one that is really the big one talking to me.

    I need to get into my body more…therefore.

    Ladies, I really hope you are all having a lovely Sunday, I send my love out to you (since I can’t spend it on anyone else right this moment..ha!!!) and am going to treat my body to a long run now and a pampering session later!!!


    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 1:20am

  844. 844: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I want to wake up one day and dig my little head into a big manly chest. That would feel so nice. There it is.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 1:44am

  845. 845: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone !!!!! Just popping in to say hello. I have been zoo busy with the grand opening of my brow threading and luxury nail salon……too excited…..I hope all of u are better and in healthy loving relationships since I last posted :-). As far as my situation…still getting divorced, and I’m ok sub it. I have been trying to do no contact wit my soon to be ex husband, but he calls like every 2 weeks or texts me….he called about 4 weeks ago leaving a message that it was an emergency, when I called him he told me that he was sick and having asthma and that he didn’t have anyone (YeH right), I told him to call 911, his mother, his roommate, or if he was dealing wig ajoher woman call her not me. Then he sends a text on he fourth of July wishing us a happy fourth and that he misses us VERY much…..I didn’t even respond, I figure he can’t miss us that badly since here is no talk of him.coming back to reconcile….he then called me two days later….I didn’t pick up, then he calls private….he called two days ago, I did call him back…he’s singing the same song entitled BS…I told him it didn’t make me feel good to speak with him. I am in a good place….please let me know how u r doing.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 4:53am

  846. 846: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    Lessons I have learned…I deal with both men and women on a how I feel around them basis….I’m learning to listen to my inside, my BS calibrator, and generalvibe I’m picking up….this is helping me. I have been telling people how I feel and it feels zoo good to be able to communicate my exact sentiments, and not have to feel bad because your doing somehing or wig someone that makes u feel bad, disgusting, or yuck!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 5:00am

  847. 847: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Here came today’s trigger on my fb wall…I should not have looked.
    My Friend and MrU are off boating, surfing, girling (I made that up 😉 ) etc., oh and I am here all by myself thousands of miles away feeling sooooo sad and lonely.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 5:41am

  848. 848: Memulo says:

    He kept on saying yesterday that this is it, he lost the child for good. I don’t want to give much details here, but to the best of my knowledge this can be true not because of the specifics of his situation, but because of the official procedure for handle such cases. I. e. he can prove that her accusations are false, but it will take 6 to 12 months and during this time he won’t see the child almost at all, so when in an year they will be deciding who deserves the custody based on which parent the child communicates with best, it’s not in his favor.

    I feel scared that our relationship will just fade in this terrible situation and he won’t need me or anyone else to this matter..

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 5:50am

  849. 849: Memulo says:


    You didn’t expect him to stay in the fridge till your return? And what about girling, I found that fb pictures with girls are exactly this: dragging a girl standing next to you into a picture and smiling BIG

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 5:55am

  850. 850: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I am waiting for the big trigger, to show him with another girl doing what we used to do…if I see that on a photo or something it will give me an impulse to cut contact and stay away….perhaps it would be for the best.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 5:59am

  851. 851: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo…he used to stay in the fridge till I returned 😉

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 6:01am

  852. 852: Memulo says:

    Wow Coco, you sound so amazing!! And this is the man that was saying he is done with feelings for you. Bored! Hope he is feeling better without you, but it surely doesn’t sound this way;)

    I admire your strength.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 6:02am

  853. 853: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Healing Waterfall, RG, Tam, Jasmine, Memulo, and FlowerChild,

    Thank you! I was busy all day yesterday and this is the first chance I’ve had to write. R and I went to our favorite bar and we sang a karaoke song together (It’s My Life, Bon Jovi). It was pretty loud in there and we couldn’t talk much so, at R’s suggestion, we went to another bar he likes, and it was a much nicer atmosphere.

    Before we went in, R started a conversation about our proposal misunderstanding incident three years ago. We both discussed it very reasonably, getting along well throughout the discussion. I can’t say we have really resolved much, as far as him clearing up any mysteries for me. But we pretty much concluded it may be impossible for me to prove that he intentionally set me up for a fall with a fake proposal, and it may be impossible for him to prove that he didn’t do it.

    What is good is that he was far more communicative than he was 3 years ago, and he left the door open to discuss it in the future as it comes up. What he emphasized the most is that he hopes as time goes on, I think so highly of him that I would know in my heart that he would never do something so hurtful to me.

    For the moment, I am willing to let it go. What is most important to me is that I am in love with him and want very much to have another chance to start over with him, and that is what he has given me…because point blank, I was toxic myself in 2009, and I have grown a lot.

    He was very sweet, and when we left the second bar, he came home with me overnight. He slept on the sofa, but he cuddled with me in my bed for about an hour. I couldn’t hide my feelings from him, and i cried when he held me…it was the first time in almost three years.

    But he didn’t mind, and he asked me what I like about him. His face got real soft as I answered him, thru tears.

    He doesn’t sleep well, so in the morning he told me he moved back to the sofa just to listen to music, that he gets restless laying in bed when he is not ready to sleep. He assured me it wasn’t because something was wrong.

    I cooked him scrambled eggs and bacon, and even tho I know we’re not supposed to cook for him, I really enjoyed it, because it is something I’ve rarely done in my life, since most of my past men have been in prison.

    We stayed up until 6:30 am, and we got up around 12 or 1 pm. I invited him to a picnic at 3 but he wanted to go home. I feel really, really good about it. It is still a friendship but I sense he is reconsidering me. I asked him why he wants just a friendship and he said because there was no much negativity between us. Now we are getting along well, and I feel guardedly excited!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 6:21am

  854. 854: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, that’s such great news!!! :)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 6:45am

  855. 855: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh, I was doing so well today…until I got triggered by our common friend posting about the boating and everything….pfffff.
    It now makes me feel angry, because I so so want to be there for many reasons. I long to be there and live there, and that is not helping me.
    Then I had to think about the Condo again and MrU, who had offered me to stay there, not answering my question as to whether it is free in Sept. HOWEVER, our common friend surely asked him if it was free as he is staying there now – and presumably to him he was able to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’… why do I not get an answer? Because it is typical for the on/off friends/more than friends relationship we have. He is always sitting on a fence (and perhaps through my issues I was too). So he could have said at least ‘maybe’ – that would still be sitting on a fence but acknowledging that he saw my question. Argh!!

    The other thing is that I don’t understand why I am triggered and feeling a punch in my gut. I have been there a million times. There is no point.
    At the end of the day, despite him hinting that the boat is waiting for me and we will have good times again, if he wanted me there he would just have to say ‘come on over’ – and he doesn’t. If he wanted to give me the opportunity to come over earlier than November, then he would tell me (he said in April: you can always stay if you need a place – i e the spare room or the condo – ok, I’d prefer the condo as it’s separate, and he would too). And now I need a place and I ask and I get no answer.
    I feel angry with myself that I can’t just tell myself this:
    If he wanted me there he would tell me, as he knows how much I long to be there anyway. But I just get ambivalence, neither a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, just a ‘the boat is waiting’.
    And if now he decided to spend his freetime with other girls, then in fact I would have my answer anyway, and there would be nothing to worry about, because then he wouldn’t want me and I can deal with that.
    But I can’t deal with the ambivalence. I hate it. I feel totally exasperated by the ambivalence..and here I am wondering again ‘do I want to stay open or is the price too high?’
    Maybe I want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, forget about him, and forget about coming back to Florida sooner also and just be done with it all (the easy option). That would not help me to experiment more with my new feeling-self but it might be the best for my sanity.
    I really don’t know.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 6:58am

  856. 856: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies…

    Just want to share something with you.

    My CDJim havent contacted me yet, and it have been over a month since last contact. Some time ago I learned (from FB) he is in a relationship with another woman, been so since 3 July.

    ….and I couldnt help myself to digg around about his new woman – and I found she is married to another man. I dont know if they are getting divorced or anything.

    I remember CDJim told me about atleast 2 ex girlfriend who both have been unfaithfull to him, and cheated with another man.

    So my thought was:

    Maybe Men also have old pattern, they keep going to the same kind of females over and over, since it feels safe to them.

    And all I can do is being true to myself, listen to my feeling and do my best to say what I feel…

    I feel very pride over me being totelly open and warmhearted with CDJIm…when we was in contacted and dated – and maybe I made him feel something he aint used to feel, but want; and it freaked him out. Who knows…I have been busy with my all other cd.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:08am

  857. 857: coco kissesNo Gravatar says:

    @ Memulo #852…Ty, I do feel great. I felt bad after speaking with him two days ago, he was saying how he felt it was unfair that he couldn’tsee the dogs or my daughter….but I told him right now I need to worry about how I feel and what makes me feel good is not seeing him or having him in my space.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:15am

  858. 858: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for sharing about your date.
    I too was wondering how it went.
    Glad you’re feeling happy about it.
    I wish somehow you weren’t so crazy about him!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:18am

  859. 859: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    In Rori’s last two teleclasses she has stressed the importance of being with a man who ‘loves you more than you love him’.

    I wish that for all you ladies, and I wish and intend it for me too.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:19am

  860. 860: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I also like it when Rori says that ‘a great man falls fast and falls hard’ (in love with you).

    I’m intending to stay open to this. It frightens me when they feel so much, so soon!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:21am

  861. 861: TamNo Gravatar says:

    856 – Jenny, spot on. Rori said that men who are with women that cheat or are still married, are subconsciously attracted to those type of women and it’s a pattern.
    I can say from my experience that this is absolutely true, me and my guy attracted each other because we are both emotionally unavailable and our childhoods are almost the same except you have to change the names … and instead of sexual abuse (me) and abandonment, he got beaten up and abandoned….so yeah.
    Before that I almost had a relationship with a married man, then a relationship with a man who was still not over his divorce (both not really available – to mirror my own issues)- and he had a relationship with a still married woman – long distance (double whammy unavailable). So yes!!!

    And you are doing so well to see this and stay true to yourself and keep expressing your feelings, you will attract a good quality man like that!!

    Me, I am still learning :)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:22am

  862. 862: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    I sense so much change in you and I wonder, was it due to all the work you are doing and also was your involvement in Rori’s teleseminar really helpful, you have been so good at explaining your feelings and I just wonder what it was that was the turning point for you…….just because it is always helpful to learn more about people’s journeys….

    I myself am feeling much more positive and looking actively for when I am feeling negativity and then going to the source, my childhood and actively asking for source to help me learn how to forgive and let go. I am ready to live in the present and enjoy my life and the people that I love.

    I feel so much happiness in my heart as you share your journey

    Wishing you that all your dreams come true.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:24am

  863. 863: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Coco, his requests sound like excuses. He really wants to see you 😉

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:26am

  864. 864: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I live with a man (WM) whom I love more than he loves me.
    I date a man (EM) who loves me more than I love him.

    It feels more exciting to be loved a lot. But it feels compelling to love a lot.

    I feel sore-hearted with WM, but I am not moving out just yet.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:28am

  865. 865: TamNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, I agree with the fact that it’s better when the man is in love with us more than we are with him, my two really great relationships worked on that basis…
    Trouble is lately I have been attracting guys that fall fast and hard but then there are those that I like and they poof, or I feel zero attraction – I mean really bad, so bad that I could not touch them with a bargepole….
    and I was with a guy who also fell fast and hard and he was not a great man (for me)….

    Hm. I find that most men, if they fall at all, fall fast and hard – and then you have to ‘wait and see’ if it is real. I never was with anyone who was ambivalent about me from the beginning, as that doesn’t normally make it past date 1 or 2?! Even the King of ambivalence in my life, was pretty much on my case for about 6 months until he ran into a major life crisis..

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:29am

  866. 866: TamNo Gravatar says:

    864. So how does one stop loving someone. Or decide that now I will love him less that he loves me? It’s kind of..impossible? Hence circular dating I guess. Hm.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:31am

  867. 867: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose,

    858 – Thanks! Yeah, I wish I weren’t so crazy over him, too.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:33am

  868. 868: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Healing Waterfall,

    862 – Thank you, that was a very sweet post!!!!!!!!

    I think the huge difference has been virtually majoring in all things Rori Raye. I started to listen to her programs 3 years ago, while I was in the midst of increasing turmoil with R. Then two years ago, I started coming on the blog.

    I think the blog has made a huge, huge difference, enabling me to practice the tools on Rori’s programs, and in really getting in depth in my healing and relational skills. I seriously wish I had come on here 3 years ago, when I first learned of it.

    It’s like the programs are the classroom, and the blog is the workbook, where I actually practice the concepts and get them deeply ingrained, until it is all second nature.

    Rori’s teleclass was excellent, too, and I highly recommend it. It was like a continuation of what I have already learned, more in depth, new ideas.

    A lot of what Rori offers is stuff that takes real time and real effort. Like there are a lot of recommendations that I have yet to implement, such as taking an acting class. I think that would be way therapeutic and educational!

    I want to work more of her tools, not just read about them.

    What feels most exciting to me is how R has responded positively, over time, as I have used Rori’s tools. I have Rori and the Sirens to thank for my turnaround in this relationship!!! I still don’t know where it will end up, but the progress R and I have made feels REALLY positive!

    And when we sang Karaoke, it felt great having the DJ announce “R and B”. :-) I loved hearing our names together like that!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:42am

  869. 869: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday I was at a really nice picnic, and one of my long term friends told me, “Now just enjoy his friendship! FRIENDSHIP! Don’t put any pressure on the relationship!!”

    This is right on, and this is what I am doing my best to stay with.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:43am

  870. 870: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, how can you be that strong to enjoy friendship when you want more? Wow!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 7:48am

  871. 871: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Quote from FB, “Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.”

    I feel this way often.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:17am

  872. 872: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @835 Memulo

    I’m not really sure how it all works, but yes, I do believe if your attorney didn’t perform their duties, you do have options. It’s worth checking into.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:22am

  873. 873: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    870 – “Radlove, how can you be that strong to enjoy friendship when you want more? Wow!”

    I’m not that strong. I have a long history with him, and according to his Modus Operandi (sp?), he wants me to believe it is just only ever going to be a friendship, so that I will let down my guard and share everything and anything with him. I do that anyway, but I believe he is reconsidering me for a serious relationship.

    So I guess I am playing his game. And in the meantime, if I am wrong? If he only does intend friendship? I am aware that we are building bonds that are strong on BOTH ends.

    So let him date away, if he wants…but I believe he will come back to me. But the fact is, he isn’t dating. He is spending hours communicating with me. And I think his time and energy investment speaks louder than his words of just friendship.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:28am

  874. 874: RadloveNo Gravatar says:


    866 – I found it impossible to stop loving R the past 3 years. I do agree that Circular Dating is the way, tho. I tried it, and it left me loving R all the more.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:29am

  875. 875: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @853 Radlove

    I feel so happy you had a great night with R. One day at a time sounds like a good plan. :)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:36am

  876. 876: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    I totally understand how things on FB (like pics) can be so triggering, but they aren’t the truth. So, don’t allow them to trick you. I’ve been there, done that, and after the dust settled, I realized, it was my own imaginary story.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:38am

  877. 877: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    So much love to me. I feel a little heavyhearted. So much love to me. I love myself. I forgive myself. I will get through this. I will.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:39am

  878. 878: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Tam 866,

    “.. how does one stop loving someone?”

    I don’t know.
    I only know the relief of feeling ‘turned off’ by someone who doesn’t adore me in the way I crave.

    I feel turned off when he doesn’t put me first.
    In the past I would have pulled out all my strategies to try and ‘make him’ step up and move towards me.

    Now, I lean back and feel. And, instead of feeling insecure and panicked by his disinterest, I fell turned off! Yay.
    This strengthens my self-belief that I am a fabulous woman who deserves to be adored by a fabulous man.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:40am

  879. 879: TamNo Gravatar says:

    873 and 874..Radlove, I can somewhat identify with your situation, though mine is quite different it shows some similarities…the CD seems to backfire on me because the more I date, the more I want the guy I feel good with when we are together. If I don’t CD, I don’t have anything to compare or I don’t feel unattracted to men thinking ‘oh if only he was …’ . If I don’t CD, I seem to be better because I can push dating and men thoughts away more and concentrate on other things.
    At the same time I am not wanting to build myself a ‘castle in the clouds’ as it were, and think that things would work out with MrU, because I don’t believe in that anymore…I feel they will eventually – a very strong feeling..but I don’t have faith in that, I guess. So I keep going…learning…dating…and going back to square 1. Lol.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:41am

  880. 880: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @857 coco kisses

    I feel happy you are standing your ground. It sounds like he’s missing his old life. The grass isn’t always greener, as they say.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:41am

  881. 881: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @860 April Rose

    I feel Mr. Observant fell hard and fast for me. I also felt a twinge of concern, I guess because usually I’m the faller first. :) So, not used to any of this. If feels really good though.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:44am

  882. 882: TamNo Gravatar says:

    878 – April Rose, good point, I can see how that works because I feel turned off quite often , yet it then moves into anger somewhat…and I feel the anger is just a symptom of what feels like sadness at not being loved back enough.
    I feel turned off but not turned away, as it were. Hm.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:44am

  883. 883: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    “…he wants me to believe it is just only ever going to be a friendship, so that I will let down my guard and share everything and anything with him. I do that anyway, but I believe he is reconsidering me for a serious relationship”

    How does it feel without any of your beliefs? Just your feelings?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  884. 884: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, for me too it is a mix of anger and sadness and regret. But ultimately I CHOOSE to feel turned off. I choose to keep for myself all the energy I’d spend on anger, sadness and regret.
    Not sure if I end up stuffing them down, though…. hmm.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:50am

  885. 885: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam are you actually friends with him on fb? If so, you could unfriend him. But first let him know what you’re doing. Let him know that you’re trying to keep your vibe happy and positive and away from anything that kinda undermines that, and as he knows, you’re a bit sensitive about him, and you hope it’s okay and he understands, and that you look forward to just getting old fashioned emails from him when he wants to be in touch.

    something like that.

    i don’t like seeing you triggered by fb every day.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:51am

  886. 886: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl,

    How are things going with you and Mr Observant?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:52am

  887. 887: TamNo Gravatar says:

    881, RG – that’s good stuff :)

    I must be a real sceptic..ha, I have never really fallen for anyone before they fell for me…thinking back, I take a while to observe the person and become comfortable – not that it makes any difference, look where I am now!! Hahaha!! I think it takes a while for me to fall for someone, but once I have fallen, I am clearly a ‘goner’. Hrmpf!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:55am

  888. 888: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose,

    883 – I like that! I just worded it that way because when I state my feelings, I get feedback that it is just a friendship because he says it is.

    I feel weary of trying to convince people that he really is considering romance, so I just worded it more strongly like that.

    I feel loved by him. I feel deeply loved by him. I think he is in love with me. I think he just doesn’t want to jump in head first, because I made a lot of mistakes in that past and was very argumentative. I feel a lot of harmony between us this past three weeks. I feel really good about it!

    One other little sideline, when we were driving, I said, “I like your shorts. Can I touch the fabric?”

    R: thanks, sure, go ahead.

    B: I’m just kidding, I was flirting with you. I won’t touch the fabric, because if I do, I would be touching something else, LOL!

    R: What do you mean?

    it was an open invitation! LOL! So I touched the fabric…and squeezed something else! We both giggled! :-)

    Inotherwords, I felt a lot of openness…

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:55am

  889. 889: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay cocokisses, i wish you lived in CO, i would so visit your business and get my brows and nails did!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:55am

  890. 890: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    that idea of always marry a guy who loves you more than you love him REALLY triggers me. i feel no magic in that.

    and i don’t want my dear future husband to grow resentful. he’s only human, after all.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:57am

  891. 891: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I believe there’s always someone in the relationship that loves more than the other. I’d choose to be the one who loves less.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  892. 892: TamNo Gravatar says:

    885, no Starla, the trouble is we are not friends on fb, but we have 2 common friends that are fairly close to me…and I like keeping up on their stuff and as they live waaay away from him, it is unusual for them all to meet. That’s what’s my trigger this week.

    To be honest, I am actually wondering if being triggered and working through them, is a good thing. It makes me feel bad for a while and then I analyse it and in the end just think ‘f*ck it’. It almost becomes a challenge to overcome. Maybe that is worth doing? I don’t know, but I can’t just close my eyes of the things I don’t want to see? That would mean I was living in a parallel reality and perhaps have hopes that are totally far fetched?

    But thank you Starla, yeah, I had blocked him too at some point but no need at this time because, like I say, he is not even a friend on fb…we were once but one time had a big argument and de-friended each other, about a year ago. He has since hinted ‘aw, you could be my fb friend again’ but I have not friended him and he has nt friended me either – and I like to keep it that way because I know he has primarily women on there…his way of CDing… and I don’t need to get triggered like that, thank you very much 😉

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:02am

  893. 893: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i personally believe in the blending of two energies. in magic.

    i guess if you’re looking to get married to any suitable man who treats you great and you’re attracted to, then the “one loves more than the other” thing will be true

    but i’m looking for my soul mate. yes, i believe in them.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:09am

  894. 894: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ack, tam, that stinks that you did what you could to avoid dealing with seeing him, btu have the mutual friend thing going on (((((((((((tam))))))))))))))

    especially when he’s on the other side of the planet.

    so annoying sometimes, i bet.


    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  895. 895: TamNo Gravatar says:

    890, Starla, it’s just a guarantee that you are marrying a man who is totally sure that you are his woman…I don’t think it bothers them. My best realtionship was with a guy who would often say ‘you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so grateful “. He thought I was the best possible woman for him and he made me feel so secure by that. I would hate to be with a guy whom I knew loved me less, however, some guys are good at lip service and others very quiet and you just have to go with the vibes/feelings that come towards you. I guess sometimes we don’t know who loves whom ‘more’?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  896. 896: TamNo Gravatar says:

    894….thank you Starla, yes it is but perhaps it’s good practice for me to deal with this like an adult and not a pouty child – and work through it

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:16am

  897. 897: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. in my ideal relationship, it would never cross my mind who loves whom more.

    there are some things that seem just alien to me and this is one of them, along with the possibility of cheating.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  898. 898: TamNo Gravatar says:

    897 – I understand that Starla…I guess I feel similarly but just reflecting on past relationships. Maybe at the time, if someone had said ‘he loves you more’ I’d have protested…because I was in love very much too.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:26am

  899. 899: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    HW, I’m trying to get on your website but I can’t. I tried on the ipad yesterday and it didn’t work. Now i’m trying on the computer, it keeps taking me to Rori’s main page.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:30am

  900. 900: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Being loved more than I love him looks to me like him having more stamina, more patience, more gentleness and more impetus for us to do things together.

    Being loved more looks to me like he will forgive me my grumpiness and all my antisocial quirks and keep on loving me. And he will be tolerant of my lack of gentleness and patience and brattiness. More than I would tolerate it in him.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  901. 901: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @886 April Rose

    Things with me & Mr. Observant are great. We spend a lot of time together, talk about a lot of things, share stories, he’s so masculine yet he let’s me in emotionally, there is a lot of intimacy. I’ve never experienced this before with anyone and it feels really, really nice. I usually find the emotionally unavailable men! lol

    It’s the other parts, like his wife’s harassment & lies that was a big issue this week. But, I think that has calmed down now. I hope it stays that way. I feel he’s handling things a lot better this week and taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. I think that is exactly what he needed to do. I was a little concerned that he wasn’t.

    He’s standing up to her, instead of trying to be nice and friendly. He’s telling her to stop telling lies, she’s been keeping him from his kids, so he’s telling her his expectations, which she refused to comply, but then ended up having his kids call him. I think she’s starting to realize she can’t just do whatever she wants and get away with it.

    Thank you for asking! :)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  902. 902: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I meant he will tolerate my bratinesss and undesirable qualities more than I tolerate his.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  903. 903: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Sunday morning.
    I got home at 1:30 AM.
    HS is up on the roof fixing the paint job for the party.
    I know he is planning to see what’s her face for a couple of hours this afternoon.
    I feel sooooo angry right now.
    But–this is a situation that requires patience.
    I am basically a homebody. I don’t WANT to go OUT all the time to CD. It is too tiring. The things I love to do are home things.
    I have thought that I could just keep doing what I was before I found out– cooking wonderful things, keeping the garden, improving the space, entertaining friends. I could make this space more interesting and attractive than any place else.
    But–what do I do with the RAGE!!!
    I don’t get the impression that washing him down with anger at this point will serve me?
    So how can I be authentic with him right now?
    At this moment–I am leaning back and he is popping forward in bursts.
    The only thing I said to him yet is “You ATE ALL my cookies!! I was going to eat them for BREAKFAST!! But said flirtatiously, not mean.
    I was thinking–instead of forcing myself to go out all day today just so i won’t be around when he leaves or comes back, I could go to the store and get some food, and invite friends for a nice dinner.
    There hasn’t been any food here since I stopped eating about two weeks ago…
    What do you think?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  904. 904: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Being loved more means to me that he will steer and row the boat and I will never panic thinking he may drop the oars or hand them to me.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:35am

  905. 905: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious as to your being triggered.

    What does it look/feel like to you when it is suggested that he love you more than you love him? What scenario comes to mind?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:38am

  906. 906: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @887 Tam

    I’ve always felt like I fell hard and fast all the time, but looking back, I don’t think I’ve really fallen. One time I think I did, but not any of the others. I think it was my insecurities and lack of self-esteem that made me think they were awesome. They really were not, so what was there to fall for?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:39am

  907. 907: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Well-he made a joke about thinking I was going to stay out all night–
    that he thought I was doing the horizontal mombo with Big Bob–He said he was just teasing..
    I put my hands over my ears and made the la la la sound.
    It feels YUCK.
    What do I say to him?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  908. 908: TamNo Gravatar says:

    906, wow, you are learning a lot RG…

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:46am

  909. 909: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I have been soft and melty and sweet with EM.
    I don’t feel it is working.

    Tonight he will experience my feisty assertive nature.

    The man has a tendency towards dominance, and I have gone along with it so far.
    No more. I’m feeling like I need to show him I’m a woman who knows what she wants, and I don’t always want to be soft and submissive.
    (In fact I’ve never been submissive in my life! I’ve enjoyed trying it out with him, though).

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:49am

  910. 910: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, Starla, April Rose

    I don’t feel it’s about who loves who more, because we love in different ways and for different reasons. I don’t feel it’s an apples to apples comparison. It all depends on our requirements & ways of loving & how loved we all feel.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:50am

  911. 911: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @903 Miss Bells

    I feel going out would be good for you. Are there any local farmers markets? You can buy some good, fresh food & they usually have some lovely live music.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:54am

  912. 912: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to say to him

    “I feel curious about you and intrigued by you. Mostly I enjoy your company. I don’t want to feel like a little girl when I’m with a man. I want to feel like a grow-up woman who is an equal with a grown-up man”

    He jokes about and plays silly such a lot of the time.

    Any tweaks to my script would be most welcome.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 9:55am

  913. 913: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @908 Tam

    Yes, thank you. Part of it also was my desperation to get away from my parents. Anyone looked better than they did.

    Back in the day, I was willing to get a really cheap studio apartment, sleep on an air mattress and eat ramen noodles the rest of my life, just to get away.

    Instead, I chose my route of moving in with a man who was 15 years older than I, turned out his “ex-wife” was still his wife and then he ended up cheating on me.

    I never really felt loved, so I guess the little I received from these men was a hell of a lot more than I was getting.

    Oh, how I’ve grown in the past couple of years. It feels nice.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:00am

  914. 914: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I wonder if this trigger is part of the reason why when a guy is uber interested in you, it is a turnoff?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:02am

  915. 915: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @912 April Rose

    I feel there is still room for jokes & silliness and still be 2 adults. Can you find room for both?

    Mr. Observant says he loves to hear my laugh. He thinks I have the cutest laugh. I’ve never had anyone comment on my laugh before, probably because I usually would hold it in. So, he will tickle me or be silly just to hear me laugh.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:07am

  916. 916: TamNo Gravatar says:

    913 -RG, I also always felt the need to get away from my parents and dysfunctional family. It is interesting that we all have such similar stories…

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  917. 917: TamNo Gravatar says:

    912, April Rose I love that. I am also always feeling like a little girl with MrU and am otherwise quite feisty. I kind of like it, but if I am ever tired of it I will use your script…I do like that a lot!!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:14am

  918. 918: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @916 Tam

    Yes, I have thought that too!

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  919. 919: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    So–I said to him:
    I felt so angry about that crack about Big Bob–
    he started to get pissed–shook his head– said he wouldn’t EVER say ANYTHING about ANYTHING EVER AGAIN Blah Blah!!
    I continued–“implying that I would F*** the first target of opportunity made me FEEL CHEAP!!!”
    him: “but but but–you’ve known him for awhile–I just…”
    Me: FEEL CHEAP!!!
    He says he won’t talk about what I do or with whom…
    I told him I was TRYING to say how I feel honestly instead of bottling it up inside as I have been.
    Asked him what he thought- he said yes that was good.. he was sorry for being so insensitive.
    I said I wanted him to do the same–tell me right away not stockpile the kitchen sink resentments.
    He is still engaging with me emotionally.
    He did NOT say I am in love with OW. In fact he says nothing about her. Didn’t disagree that she is just low hanging fruit.
    Of course I implied that HE is cheap for F*** ing the first target of opportunity. I don’t think he picked that up.
    Now he is gone for the day. He says he’ll be back at 5 or 6. Shooting takes till 2, and getting home takes nearly an hour. That leaves 2 hours for his little visit. Sounds like a booty call to me.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:21am

  920. 920: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am going to share and process outloud today….

    I am on my bridge. I am encoungering things, (men and feelings and thoughts) that have already started picking at my promise to stay on my bridge. I am looking to fill up my resolve tank and walk/live/get past this urge to jump off my bridge.

    I spent the day doing things I needed to do yesterday, taking care of me.

    The manly-man CD. Is very vocal and speaks his thoughts. Quite frankly he really should just keep his mouth shut.

    He has pursued me hot an heavy all week. I just met him last Tuesday, Last night he was hinting to come to my house, watch a movie. My gut said “NO dont invite him into your house” ( I have not told him where I live or my last name) I had planned to go to a free outdoor concert a week ago. I stayed on my bridge and said that is what I was going to do and he could join me if he wanted to. He did.

    I have seen him 3 times now and last evening was not so fun! I felt annoyed in his company. With each meeting I feel stress and pressure. I feel a unhealthy neediness from him. I feel he is looking for validation and approval. The more I have interaction with him I feel ick…and guarded and shut down by his constant sexual innuendo and stated interest in me. My initial attraction to him has been killed completely snuffed out by his own hand.

    I told him last night that I was not looking for a sexual encounter but a relationship, he agreed that he was not looking for that as well. I ventured further to share that some of his comments (and I repeated one very very explicit one that he said to me on the phone the day after we met!) made me feel very uncomfortable and pressured by a expectation for sex. I could go on but I wont….. This man is NOT my cup of tea and I feel no positive attraction to him at all. As I write this the more solid that becomes.

    Staying in my body and connected with my feelings has served me well this time.

    He has not contacted me today. I am at peace with that.

    I left his company at 9:45 ish last evening… and was not ready to go home. I stopped at a karokee bar (one I used to go to with my last man)…. I sat outside and just chilled. The thought ran thru my head and body….that the man in my last relationsip had really messed up…by leaving and doing what he did. I felt that small voice I dont hear too often say… “its okay Linda, he is discovering that right now” hmmm I did not expect that. I dont want what I had ever again.

    When I was sitting there another CD text me and asked me to meet him, I told him where I was and he joined me. We talked and shared….I was just being me… I do not feel any attraction to him at all either he just wants to kiss me and kiss me. YUCK! I felt hungry and told him I was gonna go get a burger at my favorite hamburger place. So at 1 AM he is telling me jokes, eating a burger with me and I am still on my bridge…. I slept like a baby alst night.

    Ahhh…. my bridge.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  921. 921: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl

    “..I feel there is still room for jokes & silliness and still be 2 adults. Can you find room for both?..”

    I like this. I may even put this to him exactly as you’ve said it and ask him how he thinks we can find room for both.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  922. 922: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Glad you’re enjoying feeling like a little girl with MrU.
    I feel curious. Has he seen your feisty side?

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  923. 923: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I like your bridge, Linda :-)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:29am

  924. 924: TamNo Gravatar says:

    922, April Rose, yes he saw my feisty side right at the beginning of our imaginary relationship (ha).
    It was mostly a defence mechanism of mine and I think he still sees my feisty side because I don’t keep it under wraps, I have just relaxed a little more around him and let him be the man, decide what to do and I say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. As he is an extremely masculine man I found it to work better.
    He will still say things like ‘well, you would never be subservient to a man, would you?’ – but I think secretly he quite likes it, we banter quite a bit but all good hearted nowadays and a lot of fun.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  925. 925: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Now–the awfulness… I feel so sh**8y..
    This is where the rubber hits the road. I want to DO SOMETHING about this and there is nothing I can do. R

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  926. 926: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    And-his viagra stash is gone…

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  927. 927: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Linda’s bridge))))

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  928. 928: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Try again emoticon….

    i made sure i typed it in the right way….

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  929. 929: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    And he still hasn’t said he is f*** ing her.
    The other day– when all this came out, he said he was going to get a haircut– I asked him to stop at the pharmacy and get my prescription.
    He came back in an hour without the scrip, saying he was just checking in so I wouldn’t think he was lying about where he was going. He didn’t want me to feel so sick I can’t eat.
    He had been just leaving without saying anything, going to bed without saying goodnight, and just being rude.
    I told him I didn’t think he was lying about where he was at that moment, and that I would appreciate him telling me when he was leaving the house because it is just good manners, but I didn’t want to hear about his dirty laundry…”
    So today he recited his plans, leaving a gap between 2 and 5 pm.
    And it still feels like crap.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:42am

  930. 930: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    What you don’t like about yourself triggers you.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:46am

  931. 931: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells… I do so wish for your happiness and a great relationship.

    From what I am reading you have decided not to move away from this mans provision and situation you are in right now. Redefining the relationship might be of benefit here. “reframing” has often helped me.

    As i said before, I certainly was in a situation similar at one time now that I am out, nothing could make me go back to it. Todays economy and financial issues have create new living scenerios and Relationship boundries and issues too I supose.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  932. 932: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not just the house.
    I am in love with him in spite of it all…
    hence the anger.
    If I didn’t fell that it would be easy–stay for the cheap rent.
    But–this is complicated.
    If I can’t turn it around I really can’t stay.
    And it is very hard to get a clean read on that.
    I guess that is what I am asking for.
    a strategy.

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 11:02am

  933. 933: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @921 April Rose

    Go for it! :)

    Sunday, 22 July 2012 @ 11:19am

  934. 934: AmyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies, question:

    My boyfriend and I were suppose to spend all day together because we haven’t seen much of each other lately (we do live together, but we have busy schedules and we just see each long enough to watch a show or two and go to sleep). Well, we were suppose to go on his boat today, but we couldn’t get more people to go (I guess he needs 4 people to go out on it, I have no idea), so I said it would feel great to go to the beach then since it is such a gorgeous day. He said that he would really like to go on the boat because it was so nice out. I siad out lets go with just three of us (his friend was going to come). He just sorta ignored the statement, so i said ok well I am going to the beach (it is 10 minutes down the road) because it was too nice to wait for people to call us back. He said ok, I’ll call you in a hour to see what our plans are. He called me and said the friend that was suppose to go with us on the boat wanted to play golf and wanted to see if I wanted to come along (I dont play golf and it is a littl etoo hot today for golf). I said I thought we were going to go on the boat. He said well i can’t get another person so why don’t you come play golf with us. I said it would have felt good if he had come to the beach instead of playing golf. He said I would have, but you didn’t wait. I said I told you where I was going and kept asking if you wanted to come, but you said that you wanted to go on the boat, so please don’t turn this around on me. I said it just feels bad because I thought we were going to spend the day together doing something we both enjoy (mind you when he told met his he was already on his way to the golf course and i was still at the beach). Anyways, he said he felt bad, but would call me later. I texted him saying I wasnt mad that he is going to play golf, I just feel sad that we aren’t spending the day together. I said I don’t want to be alone today, so I am going to my friends house at 5 to wathc the bachelorette and I wouldn’t be back til 11. He texted back and said he would of liked for us to spend the night together, but he understands and have fun. I said thanks for understanding and that would have felt great too, but right now I feel like I got the short end of the deal because we were supposed to spend the day together and I said it would have felt good to have us keep our original plans even if it meant doing something that wasn’t his first choice (like the beach) . It feels bad to not have that happen, but I hope he has fun today anyways because it is gorgeous out.

    I know maybe I should have just siad thanks and left it at that, but this is truly how I feel. This isn’t the first time t