The Foundation Of How To Express Yourself To A Man As An “Emotional Creature”

This post started out for Jeannette, who’s struggling with a caretaking situation, with the physical illness of her man along with her own needs getting unmet – and then, as I wrote, I saw this as helpful for us all (this is how my marriage works):

How to start sharing feelings with a man when there are serious problems and you want more, without scaring him, upsetting yourself – or devolving into complaining and repeating yourself over and over again:

Pretty much – you establish a system with every single man you begin to date.

The mindset is the start, and that starts with the choice that warmth is better than cold – and that anything that shuts down your heart is not good for the relationship.

And that, although we ALL have work to with our perceptions, our thoughts, our attitudes that lead to our feelings – the path to getting hearts to open is to regard everything you feel as important information that has real value when shared in a way that feels like teamwork.

You start by sharing that you feel so many things. That, as a woman, you are an “emotional creature.” That being an emotional creature feels important to you.

You share that some feelings you feel – feel childish to you, some you don’t like at all and you feel embarrassed sharing – and yet you’re now feeling that the most important thing with all the pressure and challenges you face as a couple is absolute total honesty.  Total sharing. Total not holding back.

That when you don’t acknowledge and express what you feel, you start to shut down emotionally.

And even though shutting down and going cold often feels most comfortable and least scary most of the time, it doesn’t feel good for the relationship.

When you let your feelings sit, unexpressed to him, it makes things feel superficial, and you don’t want superficial. You want deep, and emotional, and bonded and harmonious.  You want to be a team.

Even when one of you needs more from the other, you want to be a team…and for you, as the “emotional creature” on the team – it’s crucial for you to simply let him know what’s going on for you.  And as you learn to express yourself in a way that’s not making him wrong (and him, too, with you) – but that just lets him know what’s going on with you so he can help you with your emotional needs just by letting him know what you need!

And though, even though you know that by expressing your feelings it may trigger feelings in him that don’t feel good either…to you it feels important for that to happen. That it makes you feel bad and shut down and cold when you hold back sharing your feelings – and that the sharing and the feeling of a team is more important to you than what’s comfortable.

Notice this about the above – it’s a bit “rambly.”  I put the word “feel” in there as often as I could – the way I want you to.

It’s OKAY to sound “rambly.”

And…

1. Put this in your own words, and make it make sense to you in your MIND.  Yes, your mind. And then…

2. Put it into words for you to say to him.

So, the next time you have feelings and turmoil going on inside you – try writing them up and sharing them with him with the “speech” above as the foundation of how you relate to each other.

***Here’s a side note:  See the film “Groundhog Day” if you haven’t yet (it’s a classic) to get what I’m referring to here…

Emotions happen organically. Cleaning and clearing and clarifying and upgrading your emotional and psychological patterns is an organic process. Just because you find yourself able to move from anger and revenge through guilt and depression through grief and sadness to a feeling of oneness with all there is and a sense of love and compassion and peace – that doesn’t mean you now have an “automated system” for doing that!

Next time you get triggered – you may “remember” that you once processed feelings in that wonderful feeling way and got to the love and compassion and peace AND got great results with a man as a bonus – but if you TRY to make it happen the same way (the way Bill Murray does in “Groundhog Day”) – it’s no longer organic.

In other words – what I’m saying is that you’re going to bounce around, you’re going to be processing, sometimes it feels like you’re always starting at “square one” (when, in fact – there ARE no squares you can keep track of). And so – you don’t want to be REPEATING yourself to a man over and over.

Just because you pass through the same feelings every day doesn’t mean you have to express those same feelings to him every day in the same way! Now it CHANGES.

Now it’s: “Wow, thank you so much for hearing me yesterday and I felt so much better expressing myself to you and feeling heard, and I’m still bouncing around today with so many feelings…I appreciate knowing I can express myself to you, and now I’m going to go for a walk in the park and process all of this….”

AND – if he does something that triggers you the same as last time:  “Wow, I really noticed that I feel the same feelings now…what can we do to make this easier?”

In the end – a good man is going to ask you what you need him to do.  He’s going to ask for directions – for instructions. So – write about THAT!!!

You might be surprised that it’s not as simple as you think.

Or – it might be…”I need to feel loved and appreciated, and a phone call every day would help me feel that way. Hearing in words that I’m loved and appreciated and that there’s some romance here would feel great.”

We’ll keep talking about this…because this is where it’s all at!

Hope this helps you, Jeannette, and all of us.

Love, Rori

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515 Comments to “The Foundation Of How To Express Yourself To A Man As An “Emotional Creature””

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette I feel this “…”I need to feel loved and appreciated, and a phone call every day would help me feel that way. Hearing in words that I’m loved and appreciated and that there’s some romance here would feel great.” this sounds like great advice for your situation.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 8:08am

  2. 2: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Quick question for any and all … my guy just missed a fairly significant anniversary on Saturday. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I feel like I should say something. But I don’t know how to let him know that it made me feel sad and unimportant without making him feel badly.

    If I say I feel sad, he’s going to say “why?” And then … what do I say? “Because you forgot our anniversary” feels like it makes him wrong.

    I always struggle with what to say after I say the initial feeling. Any ideas? Scripts? Help?!!!

    Thanks!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 8:38am

  3. 3: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel this way, great advice!!
    I want to be loved..
    I want to love him back…
    I want to be adored and cherished…
    I want to make my man happy..
    I want my man to want to make me happy…
    I want him to be there for me when I am happy, sad, for better or worse….
    I don’t need all the diamonds, the materialistic things some go for in life…
    It’s all replaceable and may at times make things easier in life when you have all that money, LOVE, TRUE LOVE is what would make me the happiest woman.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 8:52am

  4. 4: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Something strange happened…People may think I am making this up maybe because this usually doesn’t happen to me.

    I am talking to this guy who I feel some connection…let’s call him NAVY guy, we talked all night last night and well even though I am leaning back on the expectations department I can feel connected, we will see once we meet.

    This morning I woke up to an unexpected message from “D”…I don’t understand why. I left him alone, he said he did not have the time to give to a relationship right now, so I got busy with my life and put him on a drawer so to speak. He said he had a dream about me, well I received the txt early in the morning it took me by surprise and after 2 hrs of deciding I replied. He wants to be with me again…All I could say was that I am a package deal and that if he wanted me, he has to have me all, not just the sex part of me but the real me, the woman. We chatted for a bit and again I am not expecting much of him. However I feel so weird, why now? I am starting to meet other good potential guys, I am afraid I end up stuck on him again. I am feeling confused. This is like a twilight zone of dating lol. I cannot go back to the same with “D” I can only move forward and he has to catch up or leave me alone.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:36am

  5. 5: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel-
    You could just answer with another feeling message..
    If he says why?
    you can see how you feel in that moment and say it..
    for example you may say..
    I felt forgotten when I realized you did not remember our anniversary and it didn’t feel good.
    It feels weird and immature to say how I feel sometimes, but I felt sad that you forgot our anniversary
    It feels really good to be acknowledged and appreciated on our anniversary and I feel like it didn’t matter to you.
    I just feel sad and missed celebrating our anniversary togather and I feel weird reminding you, and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I just feel sad.
    something like these may be helpful..
    and other sirens may have better advice.. I’m new..!
    :)

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:37am

  6. 6: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel-
    wow.. well that is what I believe this work is about.. letting go and leaning bcak and starting to feel good with someone else and then all of a sudden.. boom.. the other guy returns..
    Funny a friend of mine had the exact thiing happen yesterday.. her guy who ended the relationship called and said he missed her.. she is already out and dating and knows that she is moving on..
    It’s the way of the energy.. you move on.. they come back.. sometimes..
    I am still in the moving on phase and certainly hope I can post soon.. a message like yours and my friend..lol.. I feel strong and less anxious and very peacful these past few days.. I don’t think about or feel that yearning.. sadness anymore.. atleast not all the time.. so you have given me hope that we can move on and the leaning back energy actually works.. :)

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:42am

  7. 7: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel I feel warm and fuzzy reading that. He might have felt your energy leaving him why he wants it back. All I can say is take it slow girl, continue CDating because he has to know you are the prize he has to work to win. Take the signals from your feelings. I feel so encouraged by this.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:55am

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Rori… I feel so moved… This is so wonderful

    I feel happy to have a speech around the why of my sharing emotions

    Thank you

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 10:37am

  9. 9: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh jennS I love your feeling messages for Rachel !

    You really got this girl!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 10:39am

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah Luzydel ! You will not get stuck on him again, you have tools now, if something gets you down you will bounce back much faster…

    You can do this, you Are doing this… Welcome to the twilight zone

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 10:43am

  11. 11: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    This feels perfect…just what I needed to hear couldn’t have been better timing…WOW

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:17am

  12. 12: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Ok, Sirens…I’m feeling vulnerable and lonely…and trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings…perhaps being a little hard on myself.

    Why am I reluctant (ok–who am I kidding here? I am TERRIFIED) to let this relationship just dissolve (completely) away naturally? He does most of the calling. If we see each other, I go there…mostly because I miss it so much. I miss my garden(s) and I still go out there sometimes when I know he’s not there just to putter around outside and tend to my ‘babies’ (I’m a plant/garden/flower fanatic and have many years and big dollars invested in the landscape and in the house.)

    Anyway—back to the point. Part of me wants to move on (not rush into anything—but to put him on the back of my horse and keep riding.) I know it shouldn’t matter–but because he says I’m the only one and he’ll never be with another woman, I feel like I’d at least have to let him know I’m dating. Maybe that’s wrong of me.

    Here’s what pis** me off today and has me feeling VERY much like I’m being foolish and need to do something (to make me feel better–not for any outcome from him.) I was gone most of the winter taking care of my mom and missed the city pick up for Christmas trees–(bear with me) and so my tree has been sitting on my front porch since the New Year. I’ve asked him several times if he would pick it up and take it out to the house to burn with brush, etc. He says, ‘Yes’ but it’s still here.

    I’m anxious to get my porch cleaned up and start putting plants out there (I live right on the Lake Michigan shoreline and it’s still pretty chilly here, but still…) I don’t know anyone else who has a vehicle the tree will fit in or I’d have asked someone else LONG ago to do this for me. I WISH there was someone else because I know it’s wrong of me to ask him/expect anything of him.

    So, today, I broke protocol and called him (He does most of the calling—99% of it) to see if he’d come get the tree. (He promised last week and didn’t show.) He answered kind of grumpy and I said to just call me back when he wasn’t busy (I wanted to get off the phone as FAST as possible–uncomfortable calling in the first place and then he’s grumpy.) So he tells me he’s over at friends’ of ours because he had to deliver a log-splitter to one friend and bring a lawn mower over to another friend. BUT HE CAN’T/WON’T come and pick up my stupid tree!!!!!!! (Grrrrr….)

    So….I’m disappointed and ANGRY (at mySELF) and feel like F-U to him. Am I stupid, or what? I need something like this to shake me up and keep me out of the “fantasy” of the past. And so what that he doesn’t want any other woman? He’s out there doing things for other people that he won’t do for me. DUH and a huge thump-on-the-head to ME.

    I guess I’m not really asking anything here–I need some Siren power, a pep talk, some Siren WISDOM, some Siren perspective. I’m already beating myself up, severely…I already know what a fool I am. And any of you who read this will wonder what my problem is… :-(

    Thanks for listening…

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:33am

  13. 13: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel….you sound so clear and grounded..it feels beautiful and so sireny…yay!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:45am

  14. 14: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa 192

    My sweet Rosa, you are doing so good, you are such an inspiration.

    May be the old Rosa keeps controlling a little bit?
    If she could let go, she would not worry. She would enjoy the moment and let the future be what it is: the future, so who knows?

    Let them do what they are doing, Rosa, no man would keep dating you if he was not attracted.
    You are judging women’s body, you fear that a woman with a scar is not worth love and can’t make a man’s penis look up. That is YOUR fear.

    Surrender

    Let them court you, don’t think in advance what they will feel for you

    They know what they feel NOW.
    They know they date YOU for the pleasure of your company.
    That’s something you can be sure of, because you are leaning back, they get nothing else but the pleasure of your company.

    They are hooked by the vibes.
    They might stop dating you for the same reasons they stopped dating before the cancer. The vibrations would not be syntonized.
    Or they might keep dating you.
    It is not about the cancer or the menopause.

    Before the cancer you did not have such quality dates as you are having now.
    If I am not mistaken about the type of men you accepted before the cancer, it tends to prove the vibes is what syntonizes us with good men, not a scarless body.
    The french “Amazons” tend to prove it is not the body with 2 breasts either that keeps or attracts love.

    Before the cancer you flirted with sexual innuendos, happily leaning forward. Yet it did not bring into your life a good man. You don’t lean forward anymore and look at the good men, following up and not demanding anything from you. This tends to prove flirting is not what syntonizes us with good men.

    You are afraid you won’t find your special one, but it is not related to scars and flirting.

    Surrender.

    When you feel it is the right time, the right circumstances and the right man, and the man leads you to sex, let him lead.
    Surrender, it feels delicious.
    Don’t get into his mind, judging yourself ugly or not good enough.
    Surrender to his own judgment. He is aroused because he wants you.
    As simple as.
    It is none of your business to judge that he has a real bad taste and if you were the man, you would not be aroused by your body or something. That’s not real, because you are not the man and you don’t know what he sees and what he feels and senses and smells and hears that pushes him to want to penetrate you.

    *He might surprise you and kiss you all over during hours and fall in love with your body right there.
    The only way to find out is to surrender and to let HIM be the one who works at taming you before he makes a move.

    *He might also not fall in love with your body.
    Which is a possibility that has always existed, before the cancer and the menopause. It has existed and keeps existing for all of us. Nothing new here.

    And it HAS happened that your body was young and perfect and the man who penetrated you did not love you and it was before the cancer and the menopause.

    And it IS happening for real NOW that better men are dating you, men who know you have had surgery. They know what it means, they have seen documentaries. They know and it does not change their mind. They are working slowly at taming you because they want a relationship, not instant sex.

    Surrender.

    One of them will tame you.
    It takes only one.

    You have more probabilities to be loved NOW than before the cancer and the menopause.
    Not because of cancer or menopause, it is irrelevant, but because now you lean back, you feel your femininity, you learn to surrender, and this syntonizes you with your type of good men you want, the type of men who can love you with the exact body you live in NOW and who will keep loving you while the body you live in keeps morphing along the years…

    xxx

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:57am

  15. 15: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE I read this on you focussing on what he is doing.
    It triggers a memory of a coach who says don’t ask more than 3 times. I also remember Rori suggesting after asking just leave it there. Not sure if that applies here.
    You called him so it is normal he would not want to because of feeling of obligation is my opinion.

    I suspect he felt this “I’m disappointed and ANGRY (at mySELF) and feel like F-U to him” and might be afraid to face your wrath. I believe Rori would say this is dishonest, saying one thing with your words while your feeling is saying something else. I don’t know what your history is but is it possible he will tell you what he wants you to hear to keep you hooked to him?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:58am

  16. 16: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry meant “RE 12″

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:59am

  17. 17: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Yes…I know I was wrong for calling and I should just forget about him. I didn’t say ANYthing about the tree. I told him I was sorry for bothering him and he said I wasn’t and he’d call back later–and then volunteered the information about what he was doing. I just said, “OK” and that was it.

    Pretty simple, I know. I can’t shake this ‘feeling stupid’—and even more stupid for going on about it, here, where everyone “knows better.” :-(

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 12:12pm

  18. 18: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 17 Best to do it here so you can notice yourself.
    “Stupid” is your negative voice you are noticing. Tell it to go sit in a corner and shut up.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 12:20pm

  19. 19: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    JennS … thank you! Those messages feel much better. Now to get them in my head before tomorrow!!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 12:34pm

  20. 20: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Flower child – the only problem I see here is you beating up on yourself… You seem wonderful!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 12:45pm

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think it’s great that you are asking help w the tree! that’s very feminine

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 12:49pm

  22. 22: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW and Daria–I know I’m beating myself up. Somewhere—underneath several layers of optimism—I have this sadness/depression thing going on and I’m having trouble shaking it. Just when I think I feel better—the most insignificant thing can just knock me for a loop.

    Today was nothing I didn’t already ‘know’—it was just a reminder that what I’ve done does not work. And it’s not going to work—ever.

    Thank you for being here….I’m going to read up on older entries from Rori that “apply” to me right now.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 1:27pm

  23. 23: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Working thru imaginary convos w my dad I got so far

    I feel ashamed not having money

    I feel like I’m letting him down

    I feel worthless not being able to contribute financially to the family

    I feel resentful to be expected to (like a boy)

    That’s what inuncovered so far! I feel amazed

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 1:53pm

  24. 24: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmmm,

    I feel really full up!

    Just ate too much Chinese food! Lol.

    Its all good though.

    I feel really passionate.

    I really, really want to have sex! And just be passionate with someone.

    But to make that happen would involve leaning forward to a guy right now or crossing a boundary I don’t want o cross.

    Urghhh, sometimes I wish we didn’t have to wait on them… but maybe it is a good thing.

    I don’t know, just feel like I want to really feel connected to someone again.

    Haven’t felt that for so long!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 3:24pm

  25. 25: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    I hear you Ella…I really, really do. And my choices are the same as yours….

    I’ve been practicing this last week picturing my “the one” (not necessarily what he looks like) and the FEELING—how I’d FEEL if I knew he was coming to pick me up for dinner tonight—or knew he’d be calling me to say good-night or just to say he loves me. Or how I’d be feeling if we just spent the day together—knowing he’s really stepping up and surprising me…

    At first it feels a little crazy–but I’m trying to move away from feeling the lack–longing, pining, waiting, needing. I think that’s what I’ve been sending out into the Universe–and, so that’s what I’m getting back :-(

    >>>”I don’t know, just feel like I want to really feel connected to someone again.”<<<

    Try imagining how it will FEEL to be connected vs. wishing for it. It took me awhile to realize the subtle difference between wanting it and feeling like we already have it.

    My goal for this evening is to look for the lesson in the last 12 years with this man. Why was he in my life? What was I supposed to learn—and have I?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 4:31pm

  26. 26: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    FW,

    >>>”I don’t know what your history is but is it possible he will tell you what he wants you to hear to keep you hooked to him?”<<<

    I missed this when I read your response earlier. This is very possible. And I do still feel 'hooked' to him.

    I think I need Toxic Men…

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 4:37pm

  27. 27: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 26 Does that mean you want to build a relationship with this man?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 4:49pm

  28. 28: LouNo Gravatar says:

    Hi…this is my first time hearing about your series. I need help desperately. I have been on my own well divorced for the past 3 yrs. Havent really tried to meet anyone,but when i do get approached its usually by younger men, Iam 33 and the men that approach me are 23-27and yes its kinda nice but nothing ever really happens ,we converse and thats as far as it goes. Really i feel as if my happiness is on hold i have a 13 yr. daughter tht throws a fit everytime she finds out a men calls me or txts me or possibly come over to our home and sees me conversing outside. I when she becomes upset i end the relationship/friendship to make her happy and my family. Dont get me wrong she is a great kid, my ex was not her real father and he intented many times thru out the 8 yrs we were together to molest her, thankfully never inside her only on top of her clothing but still it was enough to tramatize her. i have my own home with my children but every time i try to express my openness to them about a potential guy interested in me i always am told to focus on the kidds tht they need me more now than ever, and up to recently i have become rebellious in a way where if now i speak to the opposite sex or show interest in a man i keep it very private and to myself. Not sharing or trusting anyone with my personal life if u will. i recently joined a on line dating thingy and have met a handful of nice guys ,really. and to my surprise the one that i am interested really wont give me much of his time or open up , but yet he seems the most attractive to me and yet i hate tht about myself. in my 8 yr relationship with my ex i always kept quiet and never spoke up but those days are over and i speak my mind, but for some reason with this guy i havent done so,knowing like Rori said he should know he is lucky to even have me interested in me. im here because i desperately want and need help to find my possible soulmate and for my daughter to be able to learn to trust again. if any of this makes sense to anyone i would greatly appreciate all feed back..thanku

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 4:52pm

  29. 29: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Well, we had a relationship for over a decade and I’m not “over him” yet. I do love him, and probably always will. This is hard. I feel like I still have one foot in the relationship and the other foot is trying to take some baby-steps forward…

    He did call and nothing was brought up about the tree by either of us.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 5:20pm

  30. 30: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Well, well what a coincidence. I didn’t even know this post was here and written in my behalf. Today I was sitting outside Steve’s house with him and I said…”I notice you don’t tell me you love me anymore when we get off the phone.” He said, “Well Jeannette, I feel like if we say it all the time it won’t have the same impact.” Then we started talking about his mother and he said that he and his mother didn’t say it to ea other often and he knew anyway that she loved him very much. I said I think a lot of it has to do with how we are raised. However, I didn’t hear it a lot either but I learned from going to church that we’ll never know if it will be the last time we’ll ever see ea. other and it’s important that we say I love you every day. He said well that is true. Then when I left his house tonight he said, “I love you.” So we’ll see. One weird thing that happened when we were sitting there was he started talking about the house. And it’s really his brother Rick’s house but Steve said, “I was thinking I just may take over the house ( when Rick passes) and put 40 grand down and then I’ll only owe another 40. I looked at him and asked, “You’re thinking about staying in the house?” The last we talked about it a couple of months or so ago he and I were talking about living in my house eventually. But then he said that out of the blue. He looked thoughtful for a minute then said, “Well I know we’ll probably be in your house but thought maybe I could rent this one out.” But sometimes I don’t know if he really is thinking about continuing on with me or not….just by some of the things he says. How could I find out what he is really thinking? How can I put it? Or am I just worrying too much?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 6:47pm

  31. 31: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Oh, Jeannette…if we only had the secret to figuring out what they’re thinking! ;-) Rori says we’re not supposed to worry about what they’re thinking, but I spent years with a man who didn’t say, ‘I love you’ often and didn’t talk about his feelings much…so I was always trying to figure it out.

    My first thought when I read Steve’s comment about buying his brother’s house was that he was kind of ‘dreaming’ out loud—thinking of what he wishes he could do. I think you’ve said he doesn’t have a lot of money (and $40,000.00 is a lot of money + another $40,000 mortgage to pay off.) Also maybe he’s wishing he owned the house so the rent would be income for him/you two. Is the house paid off? Is there any possibility that he might inherit the house from his brother?

    I’m not much help because I’m new here and because I’d be feeling the same way you are. I’m learning that actions are the only way to know what they feel or think—-and sometimes that turns out to be a big ‘ouch’

    It sounds like there’s been more communication between you lately. Does that make you feel any better about things?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:30pm

  32. 32: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    “I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same kind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of literature and speech and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.”

    George Eliot

    I love this quote… <3

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:36pm

  33. 33: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    It’s supposed to be “I’m not sure you are of the same *mind*”

    Sorry…

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:38pm

  34. 34: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild 77, yes I feel better, well I’m sure Steve thinks about A LOT of things. I’m sure everything will come out the way it’s supposed to. I think men should tell us women often that they love us….but then again….for some it’s not easy no matter how much they care. Steve said he keeps a lot to himself. I think it’s because he gets criticized a lot from his brothers. He said he keeps a lot bottled up. Anyway, I hope you have a good night. I will talk more with you soon. God bless you FlowerChild 77!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:51pm

  35. 35: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 29 Rori wrote a post that suggests that some time in the past it might be under love life. You might not be able to get over him.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:53pm

  36. 36: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette many men keeps things to themselves. Seems it is not manly to talk just like it isn’t to cry.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 7:54pm

  37. 37: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I would take the thought about buying the house as his masculine side speaking. He might feel emasculated having to move into your house. I know guys who have done that but I also know guys who don’t like it because they want to be the man and provide.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 8:00pm

  38. 38: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lou welcome. Sorry about the struggles but hopefully you will find help here. Read as much as the material as possible around the blog, that is what helped me initially when I came here.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 8:15pm

  39. 39: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    Just got caught up. Mel, glad you’ll be going to counseling, and I think it’s pretty standard for a marriage counselor to talk to each person separately. One thing, if you don’t like the one you get, try another. My marriage counselor said we needed divorce counseling. He didn’t even try to help us as a couple. We each saw him on our own a few times. It was my counselor that I saw after we separated who really helped me. I am so glad to hear you’ll both be taking this step. Sending huge hugs!!!

    Jilly, sorry to hear that it’s not turning out to be all you’ve wanted. I hope you won’t regret it if you tell him you want to see other people or break up, if he starts dating others. I am sure you’ll figure out what is best for you and go from there.

    The girls and I said goodbye to their dad tonight. Very emotional. It’s so scary thinking when you say goodbye to anyone, but especially a soldier, that it could be the last time you see them. We’ve been there so many times, but it’s still so hard. The girls cried a lot on the way home, but once we were back in our house, they got distracted by baths and school work, and thinking about friends.

    I saw Mike2 Thurs. night, Friday night and last night. He wanted to see me Saturday too, but I said no. My allergies are really bugging me and I didn’t want any company. He invited me again to meet his parents. He’s very sweet, concerned about me being comfortable and told me he wanted me to always make the first move physically, because he wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable. The fooling around went further than I’d planned last night, but it felt soooo good to be affectionate and romantic. I’m liking him more and more… but I’m afraid of getting hurt again, so I’m holding back, it’s only been a little over a week. It’s always so good in the beginning, I just want to slow things down.

    Mike1 called tonight, said he’d gone for a walk and was feeling down, so he came over and we sat on my porch and taked for about 30 min. A friend of his that he hadn’t talked to in a long time got married and is having a baby, so he’s feeling blue that that should have happened for him already. He feels he’s walked away from a lot of good relationships (he’s 36) and when I asked why, he said he just doesn’t really believe that people can make a lifelong committment. It was nice sitting and talking to him. I told him what was happening with Mike2, and he gave me some perspective, etc. but told me to be open and give it a shot. That he has missed out on love by being too cautious.

    I feel fairly blah myself. I’ve cried a lot. Tomorrow would have been my sister’s birthday. She passed away from cancer about a year and a half ago. She was one of my closest friends, and I miss her terribly. I’m glad it will be a short work week.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:24pm

  40. 40: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Mel, clarification, my first therapist told us at our first appointment with him that we needed divorce counseling. We then started seeing him separately. We were arguing so much that he didnt’ feel we’d get anywhere with joint counseling. The problem was my ex would say things in the appointment like he didn’t want to be married anymore, but then when we’d leave he’d say, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t want to save our marriage! It was awful. That was over 2 years before we separated, but we didn’t see him for very long. I wish we’d found a new therapist when we moved to Texas. When I brought it up again, he said… we tried it. Didn’t help.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:27pm

  41. 41: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Oh and one thing that Mike2 said to me that caught me off guard… when we were making out, I had my eyes closed and he told me to look at him. We were laying on the couch and he was above me, (dressed… we weren’t having sex) and he wanted me to look at him while he asked me if I was ok. I liked at it… and he used my name, love when a guy uses my name… hhhhhhaaaaaa…. chemistry is good. I found myself thinking though that even if I didn’t see him being the one, it would be nice to have a “boyfriend” for now. Which made me feel like a user.

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 9:42pm

  42. 42: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    I am really liking the whole vibe on the blog…this is like my addiction coming home from work reading your life experiences and sharing mine as well! Do you realize yes i know life is hard and easier said than done…but do you realize the answer to every problem is to love ourselves and keep boundries. Success is taking care of you and yours, making your own success and making your own choices. wHEN it doesn’t work out you blame noone just use feeling messages, learn from it and move on. It’s LIFE!! YOUR LIFE, MY LIFE….call it what you will but if you simply do what is best for you and learn from your mistakes you are an amazing person and noone can take that away. Your in control of you. I love it that is what being a siren is all about and what it has tought me. So thank you so much sirens, I am a beautiful woman with so much to offer, and will not take crumbs, no matter how much you think you love someone if they are giving you crumbs, they don’t love you the same way put them on your horse aqnd ride out!!

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:14pm

  43. 43: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, how long have you been with hotpilot now?

    Monday, 30 May 2011 @ 11:18pm

  44. 44: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Timely entry, Rori. Thanx.

    I’m trying to feel patient. The other day, I f’d up on the docu. I forgot to turn a mic on, so we lost 10mins of footage. Yep, I got berated for it. I don’t know why I continually mess up when all I do is think about this docu, make lists of stuff I need to do for the shoot, and even bring that list while I set up.

    Yesterday was good. I didn’t mess up at all. Today an interviewee flaked on us, so we went to the gym. It nerved my bff hugely that she flaked. I was quiet and hours later, he’s still bitter over it. Finally, I said, “hey, i feel bad also that these people flake. but right now we’re at the gym and we’re gonna kick ass at weights and have fun.” He shrugged and was still acting bitter. I ignored him processing his feelings aloud and made sure to only respond when he mentioned positive stuff. Not sure if that worked, but when I dropped him off, he said he had a great day. I said thank you. OK SO THAT WAS 7 HOURS AGO, WHY DO I STILL FEEL NOTHING BUT ANGST AND A CLENCHED CHEST???!!! i can’t sleep.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:30am

  45. 45: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Funny how my bff always gripes about women he dates as not being positive people and that their negativity effects his mood. Trying to chuckle to myself. Trying to breathe. I rarely smoke, but wow, even a cigarette and a walk hasn’t helped me.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:32am

  46. 46: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Adam CALLED me 2 days ago. OMFG HE CALLED ME!!!!!

    I kept calm and let him lead the convo.

    After 15 mins of superficial fluff of ‘how are you?/great/me, too/glad tour went great/yeah and glad youre doing great too, kaitlyn…

    He said, “I miss you.”

    Whoa. Wow. Holy cripes. Is this man reading my mind? That’s how I feel. As you Sirens know…

    I told him, “I miss you, too.”

    He said he was worried I’d be mad at him for not talking to me for a few months. I said, “Nah. I understand.”

    Then silence. A lot of silence. I let him break it.

    More of the same above ‘how are you?/great/and you? really great. life feels good. work is going great.’

    I told him I wish we’d dated sooner so we’d gotten to know each other more before he left for back East. He said ‘yeah.’

    Then he said he wants to hang out when he’s back here. But he doesn’t know if he’s back temporarily or permanently, depends on work.

    I said nothing. I don’t know why.

    I know why. Because I felt afraid of sounding too eager, too tied into the outcome.

    I feel at peace he misses me. You all have no idea how much I admire, dig, and possibly love this man.

    We talked a bit more and I mentioned how proud I feel of him for accomplishing this tour he’s planned for years. He said he always remembered how hard I worked at our old job together and that he liked that. I told him thank you.

    More light convo then he said he had to go. I told him bye. In a sweet tone.

    It’s been 2 days. I’m starting to wonder if I should wait for him to call again. Or drop him a txt saying “It felt nice hearing your voice” or “It felt nice talking with you.”

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:47am

  47. 47: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    ^^^above was my most inarticulate entry. but words escape me when i’m so happy i’m reduced to a 3rd grader getting her first valentine’s day card.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:49am

  48. 48: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I left a mes for you in #426 in the last blog.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:00am

  49. 49: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Whenever my bff DO get along these days, it feels difficult for me to enjoy that present moment. I feel like ANYTHING could set him off. Rather that’s me setting him off or something/someone else. It’s like a storm is always nearing and I have to run for cover soon. My entire self feels clenched. I hate it.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:02am

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn you are an amazing lean backer

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:20am

  51. 51: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Did I lean back too much? And thank you.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:23am

  52. 52: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – I feel angst clenched chest stuff when I stuff my feelings, they literally get stuffed in my body. Roris sensual meditation helps, and ‘complete breath’ breathing helps.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:23am

  53. 53: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I remember on one of the long pauses, I told Adam ‘hmmm…I express myself better in person.’

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:25am

  54. 54: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I did make 1 mistake on the ph call with A. He complimented a pic of me he saw a few months back. I said ‘thanks. i was 102 lbs but i’m eating normally now.’

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:19am

  55. 55: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    46:
    Kaitlyn!!

    This is great!! I feel so excited for you AND I think you did an excellent job. The convo feels soft to me, if you know what I mean.

    I would just keep doing what you are doing. Did A indicate when he was visiting?

    Nicely done, Siren.

    ~Lil.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:50am

  56. 56: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    55, A did NOT indicate when he is coming. Is that rude of me to ask? He said it was supposed to be this week but postponed it because he was sick.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:55am

  57. 57: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    i mean rude of me that i didnt ask?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:55am

  58. 58: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I needed this post! I will put it into practice later.

    I feel so alone.

    Yesterday I’m with R and I’m feeling so good and open and happy. He brings up me moving back to Canada and that he’d told his mother his decision to move when he’d visited her earlier. She’s delighted for him and is so happy he’s found a girl like me. I’m just listening and leaning back as he talks and he’s telling me how he feels about me and us. Then he says, so casually, that he’ll be moving in February. My face falls and all I can say is ‘Oh… six months… wow…’ and he continues on telling me his plans. He’s looking at me the whole time and says ‘don’t worry we will make it work’. I’m trying to sink into my feelings and he asks how I feel about that and I answer ‘I don’t really know yet I feel uncomfortable’ so he continues telling me how he will deal with not seeing me, how he knows it will be worth it and asks me ‘what about you?’ and I just say ‘I don’t know. Its a long time. Half a year…wow. I feel sad. I will be ok. I just don’t know how yet’. We get interrupted and then its hours before we are alone again.

    We’re watching a dvd and he has me pulled into him and I let myself melt and suddenly this sadness comes back and overwhelms me, it feels like its too big to fit in my body and he can feel my energy changing and pulls me closer and asks what’s wrong and as I sink into the sadness I feel so alone. I will be making this massive change on my own, I will have to do all the moving and settling and organising on my own. Once I’m there I will be setting up my life on my own. It doesn’t matter that he will be on the phone if I need him, he won’t be there. For half a year I will be on my own and I feel so lonely. And so sad.

    I will be ok. I’m strong and I can and will do this alone but I don’t know how I feel about waiting.. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to feel uncertain or worried about what he’s doing or if/when he’s coming. I don’t want to have to do all this by myself AND wait for a man. I don’t know how to make this work and I don’t want to worry about that. That’s his job, the how’s!

    I never asked him to move, I never put any pressure on him. I made my decision and left his decisions up to him. I don’t expect anything from him, really I don’t. I feel pressured now though to be ok with his plans even though I’m not. I think I’d rather walk away than wait. That feels bad. I’m going to sit with this for a while..

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:27am

  59. 59: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I am wondering about “rambly”. Rori says “rambly ” is ok however I have had many times in my life when men have said things like ..

    “stop talking”
    “I dont need to hear that”
    “get to the point”
    etc etc etc etc

    One guy even got very angry that my speech wasnt “direct ” enough and he thought I was making fun of him somehow .

    I have felt that my feelings are like drivel sometimes to men, too abstract, too unintelligible and that I made THEM uncomfortable by stating my feelings.
    This was particularly so with my ex husband.

    I well remember being in a hospital room and terrified of impending surgery ..I tried to shelter in his arms and said ” I feel so scared, please stay!” ..he backed off and said “i have to go ” and walked out.

    I was left there alone for 3 days.

    Now I recall this neglect of my feelings , i feel tearful.I feel very alone.

    Whilst i hope most Sirens have wonderful experiences when expressing their emotional selves to their guys ,I find it hard to believe that too much “rambly” about my feelings is actually ok. I also recognise that emotionally able men do exist.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:31am

  60. 60: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    When he asked what was wrong while we were watching the dvd all I said was ‘I feel sad and I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I need to let this all sink in first’. He continued to hold me and kiss my head and stroke my arm and I cried a little bit. He text earlier asking if I would talk to him about how I’m feeling later so I’m going to use this post to help me work out some speeches.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:33am

  61. 61: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla just reading that and I felt like crying. How about just let yourself sink into the sadness and just cry. Life does not always show up as we expect it to. Who knows when you move the 6 months might hit him also as too long.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:33am

  62. 62: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 60 Good Kyla.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:34am

  63. 63: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla, at least he sounds like he cares.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:35am

  64. 64: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 59 Rosa could it be possible that it was the “please stay” that he reacted to? It might have caused him to feel pressure with the pleading/convincing? The stay could also have come across as a order? I don’t know. It is something I have said in the past now but reading it here it feels a bit off. Honestly I felt like running away just reading it. Is it possible to put yourself in his shoes and maybe see how it could be worded to invite you in? Please don’t take this as a criticism just as a creating of what you might have wanted then just in case you get the opportunity to use it again and maybe help someone else here.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:39am

  65. 65: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn I am wondering if you stress response is confusion? I am wondering if you could deep breathe through those moments when it happens? I am wondering if you tell yourself that you are forgetful?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:46am

  66. 66: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Forgetful never got anyone into the Canne Film Festival

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:55am

  67. 67: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    65 i’d like to breathe during those moments but how when there is no time because everything has to be done so speedily?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:58am

  68. 68: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy…a little over 3 months now….whatchya thinkin?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:59am

  69. 69: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Femininewoman.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:13am

  70. 70: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    64 FW I dont know how it sounded to him at the time .
    I actually was trying to look after my feelings for once and ask him for help.

    I was very ill and I reached out to him for comfort and support .I didnt plead or convince, castigate , nag or direct him. I opened my heart , laid my vulnerability open to him and asked for help to face the experience , “please stay” . He left.

    I had to wait alone for many hours before the surgery in a bleak hospital room in a strange city , terrified (I had had a major bleed and complications in surgery the year before ). I remember lying in the anaesthetic room in mortal fear and at the same time devastated as i knew he had just non verbally announced that my marriage was over.

    I am interested you felt like running away FW reading about that.

    I will leave you to imagine how i felt living through it.

    After I got home he wrote me a letter telling me the marriage was over but he couldnt leave as i was too sick and the kids were too young.

    In point form he offered forward planning options as he couldnt imagine staying with one woman forever He suggested we stayed married and had “discreet affairs” as his preferred solution.

    Thats just a little of my story, but the point I am making was that a womans emotional expression is not always acceptable to men , especially the men with minimal emotional wiring. You may as well be talking Martian. “Rambly” is not always appreciated either , in my experience.

    I am very happy to use FM’s however as a sorting filter to test out the wiring :) If a man cant HEAR me and gets exasperated by a few tears or leaves the room if i say ” I feel scared” , or ” I feel sad” , well he isnt the guy I am looking for !

    Overall FM’s probably work for the majority.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:13am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 68 Jilly there is a tendency for people to only show their true selves around the 6 month mark. If I remember correctly you were the one who has CCarter’s FCTC? If so I would review it to see the different things that come up with doubts setting in.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:14am

  72. 72: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa sorry if I triggered you and just to let you know I don’t want to argue with you. It’s just that sometimes we express ourselves in what we feel is the best way possible but the person listening, maybe because they are in their own world, hears something else. Sorry about the icky feelings aroudn the experience. I am not trying to make excuses for him.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:17am

  73. 73: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 67 kaitlyn I ask because so many of the coaches I have information from recommends. It helps us relax, reduce stress and calms the body. In 10 seconds one can take several deep breaths that can help clear our minds.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:20am

  74. 74: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,
    I F* up big time when I’m nervous and feel pressured and that I’m ‘expected’ to F* up. It’s like a self fulfilled prophecy. When someone is scrutinizing my every move and waiting for me to make a mistake I’m pretty much guaranteed to make one. I’m so nervous and panicky that I can’t think and focus fully on the job in hand. When I feel confident I wow people with my ability but if I’m insecure I just flounder. When I was married I would leave the front door open when I went out, I would burn the dinner or just forget to turn the oven on, I would be late or lose or forget things. I got a lot of stuff right but I couldn’t enjoy anything because I always let myself down in the most basic ways.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:22am

  75. 75: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn I know this is unsolicited but I just noticed something in what you wrote in response to my questions. You did not directly answer them. One you responded to with another question. Do you feel annoyed by the question? what were you thinking when you wrote 66? I sense maybe “what a stupid question”? Please ignore this if you wish.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:25am

  76. 76: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Murphy’s Law Kyla

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:30am

  77. 77: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 74 Kyla putting the shoe on the other foot, I am now wondering after reading those comments if that is what guys feel sometimes when we are focussed on what they do in the relationship. Wonder if it triggers their fears?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:32am

  78. 78: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I think so FW. That is the impression I’ve got anyway from listening to men when they’ve complain about naggy wives or ungrateful girlfriends in the past.. That when you feel like whatever it is you do, it will be wrong or not good enough, you decide to do nothing or walk away. Its discouraging when you feel doomed to failure no matter how hard you try so you just don’t bother. I believe that’s why ‘be surprised’ is so important.. you’re letting go of expectation, good or bad, and giving them a chance to step up in their own way.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:53am

  79. 79: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn 44 and etc…

    Drink lost of water. If your body is dehydrated, it thinks it is going to die and it sends you the anxiety signals for you to rescue it.

    No alcohol, it is sugar, it messes up sugar blood level and dehydrated your body even more, which rises anxiety and the sense of emergency.

    No caffeine, of course.

    When anxiety hits you at bed time, drink water and eat a slice of non fat meat like chicken white meat with a slice of french bread (no sugar or fat in the making of french bread). It stabilizes the sugar blood level. Not only you fall asleep nicely but you wake up nicely, with no anxiety to start the day. It should stop the waking up in panic at early hours if you ever experimented this.
    In the worst time of my life I also took magnesium. It works wonderfully. You have to wait a couple of weeks before you feel the improvement with magnesium but it works.

    The mind can’t focus and learn either when you deal with sugar blood level and dehydration. It might explain your clumsiness at work lately. You might want to check with a Doc for diabetes.

    In any case, eat smaller meals but more often along the day to keep your organism stabilized. Raw vegetables, proteins etc.. I am sure you know. Eat breakfast and drink water before you go to work. Bring protein and water to take during breaks at work.

    When your thoughts are causing anxiety, tweak them into excitement. You are anxious to do wrong at work, is also means you are excited to do new exciting stuff that will turn into a better life when you master it.
    “What if I never learn and my bbf stops taking me aboard?” (for example)
    Can also be:
    “He IS taking me aboard, actually.
    We are a team, he needs me or else he would not bother.
    He is getting something from my presence, be it the part of the work I actually really do and the use of my car, the gasoline (if he does not share the cost) and my agenda with all the interviewees phone numbers.
    I am bringing my part, he needs me as I need him.
    I am going to eat smaller portion and more often during day time, I am going to embrace my sensation of anxiety and feed it with protein and water and more oxygen and everything is going to work out fine.
    Well it is working out fine so far.
    We got banked in the computer lots of films and interviews, all it takes is to keep doing it.
    The anxiety feeling is not going to kill me, even if it feels like a heart attack. It is the same sensation when I pay to go on a roller coaster.
    IT IS A SENSATION.
    It is only my body telling me it thinks I am at danger, but I know better, I am not at danger.
    I take a deep breath, I expand my stomach when I inhale while I keep working, I let go my body while I keep concentrating on my work. And I trust I am safe, right NOW, doing my share NOW.
    When I feel it again at night, I don’t believe the sensation, I embrace it smiling, I know it is excitement from thinking of Adam, excitement about the future, the sense of emergency. I check my food intake and I remind myself there is no emergency right now. Adam is not going anywhere, I will meet him when it is time to meet him. As for me, I am safe in my flat NOW, all is fine, and I have a place to go to work. Tomorrow will be another day, we’ll see what challenge it brings and we’ll attend to it as I always have. One day at the time.”

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:11am

  80. 80: KimberlyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so invigorated. I practiced leaning back and sinking this weekend and I got asked for my number by one guy and another night a man bought me a drink just because I was behind him in line at the bar. I haven’t tried feeling messages yet because I mostly feel awkward and uncomfortable, but baby steps. I had a fabulous weekend!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:18am

  81. 81: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    Hey, I had not seen that response, so thanks for mentioning it.

    Regarding:

    “A bf of mine long ago said that. My response: “babe, i had an amazing evening. but look, i could eat peanut butter sandwiches in the gutter with you and still feel like the luckiest girl alive.” That seemed to make him feel happy.”

    Hmmm. OK, I know I got some push back on the last thread from Sirens identifying with men and the costs of dating. I suppose what I perceive as “cheap” men is a trigger for me. No, I don’t suppose anything….I KNOW it’s a huge trigger for me.

    As an over-functioner, I had a habit of doing everything for men and actually being more like a man than a woman, and that included paying. Both former “Mr. Boomer”s and my one relationship man since being single were not men of means. In all three cases, I made much more money. I was very generous with it as well.

    And we all know now how to avoid the pitfalls of over-functioning….and I no longer think of myself as needing to pick up a check or pay or buy our way…but with those three men, I did over-function with money. I am very sensitive to engaging with men now who seem to be of limited means…or worse,,,who seem “cheap” or lacking in generosity. I’m kind of with Tinque here: lacking in generosity or showing cheap behaviors with money is a red flag for lack of generosity elsewhere (affection, time, attitudes).

    I’m not sure I’ve met anyone yet, Kaitlyn, in this go-round of dating under the new Rori Way, who I’d simply be happy eating peanut butter sandwiches with on a first or second date. I don’t require huge financial outlays from a man on an ongoing basis–but an honest effort to make a lovely date for us (and in this day and age and at my age…that usually means some spending is required)–but I also don’t want a man planning something nice for us and then moaning about it later.

    I’d love to meet a man I could be happy eating the sandwiches with if he were kind and generous with time and affection and did not expect me to feed him the other six days of the week.

    It’s like what my pal Annie Clyde calls “the cute tax”: there’s a cost associated with being with a lovely woman. She says it tongue-in-cheek, but it’s the advice she gave to her son when he complained about his girlfriend being expensive.

    So, yeah, “cheap” is a big trigger for me. I let it pass with BoyScout and I will continue to if we keep seeing each other, because I think he is generous of spirit overall and was just a little in over his head with the date he planned for us. But I will not stick around with any man who complains about treating me in the early stages of dating.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:12am

  82. 82: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and what I think realllllly made me feel terrible about BoyScout mentioning the cost of our date was how sincerely appreciative I was for the effort and the wonderful time. Maybe that’s what scared him…that I was wowed and he felt he could not keep up that level of “wow” for me….I’m willing to see that and have compassion for his position. But I very much did what a Siren is supposed to do: receive from a man and be open and gracious and respectful and appreciative.

    I felt a little stunned at that not being enough for him, when men will say all they want is appreciation and respect from a woman. Is there a caveat there…that she has to be a cheap date too???

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:18am

  83. 83: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    re 82 Boomer some men and just better than others. Plus our values around money is something that needs to be compatibility, in my opinion. Otherwise it will always be a bone of contention when you want to eat shrimp and he feels the family can only afford chicken back.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:27am

  84. 84: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    82:

    One of the CD’s I had, Boomer, made it clear to me how he didn’t like the outlay of cash in the early stages of dating. In fact, he said it before we ordered appetizers. He indicated that only after he was in a exclusive relationship, would he take out his wallet for the whole deal.

    I ordered one beer, no chow and left shortly after, never to see him again. He did offer to share his appetizer with me but I believe he would have asked me to split the bill with him. He did pay for my beer. I refused to reach for my wallet at that point.

    I don’t expect nor require a huge outlay of moolah but the bulk of this man’s conversation with me, even after his statement, was surround his financial status. I was grossly turned off. I don’t even remember the FM I used, but he “mocked” me later on and said to whatever we were talking about… “how do you feeelllll about that”?

    Over and out.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:27am

  85. 85: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn – just want to say YAY!!! I feel so very happy for you. NOW, relax and enjoy. Try not to reach out for him unless he reaches out first.

    as for bug up his butt boy, he has you SO scared you’ll mess that of course you mess up. again try to relax as much as you can. I know, not so easy, especially in a situation such as this. keep breathing and not allowing the jabs to get to you.

    I think you’re doing fabulously…

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:57am

  86. 86: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle and Boomer – My question with these cheap dates, mostly about the ones who are just being stingy but also to the ones of limited means is this. What ever happened to creativity? There are SO many fun things a man can easily find to do which cost nothing or very little, concerts in the park, art galleries, a picnic, a walk on the beach, art shows, craft fairs, and on an on. Hello guys…check out the internets, you know that thing that has all the buttons, that thing you spend so much time on?

    xxoo
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:02am

  87. 87: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 85 Tinque I laughed so hard I almost fell off the chair. That’s the first I am seeing that side of you.

    I absolutely love sitting on the beach.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:12am

  88. 88: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Happy to make you laugh FW. I make K laugh all the time. And sorry for the typos. It’s really humid today, making the buttons on my thingy stick.

    I think I may be getting myself into trouble here. Double entendres.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:34am

  89. 89: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    86:

    LOL!!! That is funny stuff, Tinque!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:55am

  90. 90: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello morning… You are noon! I love you.

    And I love me, relaxing my shoulders, tummy and vagina

    Pussy pussy pussy

    I still feel scared and excited to write pussy

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:11pm

  91. 91: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    FW..thank you for sharing this. I feel a little selfish right now, but I’m going to go “study” the blog starting with ‘Breakups’ and see what I can learn…

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:18pm

  92. 92: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle-
    OMG.. re:your Cd who was so rude..
    wow.. that is actually one of my concerns with FMessages. that they will sound so over the top too much and then a response like that guy..”how do you feel about..” will come out..
    yuck.. I felt so yucky reading about your experience..
    yuck…
    onward and forward to better men!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:36pm

  93. 93: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thanks…yes, some men just ARE better than others. Lillybelle, how horrible. Good thing you got away! I had a second date with a man this past fall who, as the check was coming at an expensive place of his choosing (and where he ordered the bulk of the meal and alcohol–AND after I’d driven to him), asked me if current dating protocol was for the woman to pay sometimes. I laughed and said, “Oh no….never.” He seemed…irritated, but he paid. He seemed to think that after being out of the dating life for 23 years, he had missed some big change in the sexual politics, but I assured him that it’s the same as it ever was: men ask women out, men pick the place, men pay, women are appreciative and open-hearted. Evidently, his ex was quite well-off and came from money and he was something of a kept man. We went out two more times, and he always “teased” me about paying, but I made a mental note to keep an eye on his generosity factor. We are still “friendly,” but there were no more dates.

    And money IS a huge point of compatibility, FW. I know myself pretty well around this point–I know I will not support another man financially ever again. I will take being alone FOREVER before ever allowing a man to rely on me financially ever again. (Enough “evers?” Hee.) Being decimated financially for love of a man and clawing my way back for love of myself twice was enough for a lifetime.

    I feel really good about my desire for a generous and financially capable man.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:52pm

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for contacting a photographer to take pictures of me.

    Thank you for giving me yummy chocolates.

    Thank you for going to get me apple cider vinegar.

    Thank you for uploading my iPod.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 12:59pm

  95. 95: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    JennS:

    FMs feel weird at first, yes, but you get used to using them.

    I am not that good at them yet, and I’ve been trying them for many months now. So I choose times where they seem to be easy to use and most natural: when I really, really, really am feeling something and I can pinpoint what it is, when someone asks “how are you feeling” or “what do you think?”, and when the stakes aren’t really all that high and sounding “weird” won’t be too noticeable.

    Also, if a guy is going to mock the way you speak, like Lillybelle’s date, then….wow, what a jerk, right? You should be thankful that he revealed his true colors before you got any further with him.

    Just keep practicing. I was a real holdout on the FMs…I was so uncomfortable using them despite the fact that I was doing all the other Rori things, but the FMs really are important.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:07pm

  96. 96: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 93 I am with you on that one Boomer.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:10pm

  97. 97: LeoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens!

    I just got a big lesson in…. “it’s not about me”
    BIG lesson…

    I was a little sad lately for my man’s mind was often somewhere…but nott with me. And i missed little cute messages. Well, I leaned back (most of the time).
    And tonight I was “minding my own business” leaving him alone over IM. I am okay… and if he doesnt wanna step up…well be it. But a little sad I was anyways :D Couldnt help it.

    So then I just send him a “going to bed now” via IM. I missed talking to him and in the next few days so much is coming up i wanted to have planned and sorted out… (dont like being spontanous that much in important matters).
    You’ll prolly ask…where is this going. Good questions…i just got so much stuff in my head right now. I apologize.

    So a second after sending my message I was looking at facebook. I am not very involved with this and posting there. But a friend had posted about a racing bike race on thursday.
    Then I read the comment of my man…
    “My love and I will participate there”.

    Gosh….could somebody stamp this into my head… like “not about you”.
    I mean… would he have written this there if he wasnt feeling it for me?!
    He just has stuff on his mind. I get it :D

    Thanks to the post :D:D

    Greetings to all of you! Keep up the good work!

    -Leo-

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:11pm

  98. 98: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, I love a creative date. If I accept a date with someone I know has limited means, I am a huge fan of creativity and romantic walks, etc. But if a guy is a prominent lawyer and dresses in Armani and drives a Mercedes, I’m going to wonder by a third date why we’re still walking through the woods or eating hot dogs at the dog park.

    That’s been the case for me a few times.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:13pm

  99. 99: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    My boss once told me leave my feelings at home. I told him that I felt insulted because my feelings are a part of my body and I can’t just choose to leave them at home and come to work. He never used that to me again.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:16pm

  100. 100: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, re: 82: Especially when my income is paying for the groceries…and when I’d have been eating shrimp even without him…

    You make me laugh :)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:18pm

  101. 101: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I give you credit for using FMs at work. I would be terrified to do it. I AM terrified. I have not tried it yet. I work in a really patriarchal, conservative company. I can see almost NO opportunity to use FMs there.

    Where, when, how do you do it? And other than your boss’s reaction, how has it gone for you?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 1:24pm

  102. 102: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Housemate has not been home for 3 nights. And was out the night b4 that.

    So I am pretty much living in a huge house on my own…

    I hated living on my own when I was in the city… not sure how I feel about it now.It sure wasn’ my plan.

    Part of the atraction to this place was the fact that it was a shared house.

    I feel kinda lonely.

    Although I can hang out at my parents a bit… or go to the pub (but trying to avoid that a bit at mo).

    Ho hum, maybe it is good practice and reflection time…

    Feel lonely though.

    But will appreciate the me time.

    Yes need to practice feeling as though it is already happening (having my man and people around me) and in some ways it is.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:05pm

  103. 103: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    300: Femininewoman says:
    ***RE 297 Ooohh Loneplum I almost get orgasm just reading your writing. ***

    Want a smoke, Babe?
    lol

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:20pm

  104. 104: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Well I can kinda feel me getting back to being the positive me I was just a week or so ago…

    Starting to feel good/ok again.

    Somehow have been feeling slightly panicky atm, think mostly due to financial issues and feeling panicky… but I am finding some ways to deal with that.

    Can’t help thinking I am on the verge of something really great in my life in terms of if I can just keep the focus on me, stay relaxed and focus on what feels good, that things will fall into place for me.

    Like Rori was saying about taking that sense of peace and calm with her… a state of being stress free, like a vacation, as a choice for daily life.

    I am working on that.

    So much tied in together.

    And there are a few challenges for me now. And if I can see the positive side and keep on my horse I think that I could find myself in the life I visualized for myself a while ago…

    Which has always felt really good.

    Need to get back to some more visualizations of what feels good, and start acting as if, feeling connected and manifesting!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:22pm

  105. 105: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Quick question Sirens,

    If one of my CDs doesn’t have much money atm… and neither do I, and he has made it clear that he wants to see me and take me out, is it ok to suggest that he can come and hang out with me here at my house?

    It would be super convenient for me… and I have been feeling really lonely so would take care of one of my needs…

    And yet I am worried about not being ‘expensive’ enough. Ie he doesn’t have to wine and dine me so he won’t value me as much?

    I feel confused.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:27pm

  106. 106: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t mean to pry into anyones personal financial situation but I’m working 2 jobs, paying my bills, THANK GOD, but I can’t hardly save a dime. It gets pretty stressful at times. How in the world can I ever retire? I am a 57 year old woman and don’t even have a good plan. I have an IRA put away but it hasn’t been very profitable for me. Does anyone have any ideas?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:29pm

  107. 107: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    298: Jilly says:
    ***Loneplum…so good to see you :) ***
     
    Thank you, it feels good to read you. :)

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 2:34pm

  108. 108: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – I would actually say, I’m feeling lonely, it would feel great to have some company

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:04pm

  109. 109: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    trying to make sure to be “expensive” is like strategizing

    all that “high difficulty” is rather taken care of in the moment, with feeling messages

    i’ve been telling my cd’s i feel high maintenance, in that i want men to call me, and come to me , etc

    its not even about money and yet i still feel high maintenance

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:06pm

  110. 110: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    WOw FeminineWoman – i feel blown away

    i feel expanded in my sense of power

    amazing how that one liner that i heard is common in business, and tath i feel scared of

    “My boss once told me leave my feelings at home. I told him that I felt insulted because my feelings are a part of my body and I can’t just choose to leave them at home and come to work. He never used that to me again.”

    you just transcended past that by expressing yourself and changed the way you were respected

    that is amazing for me

    instead of feeling scared that someone “might” say that to me, i can feel assured that i can communicate my truth and it will prevail in my life – wow

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:09pm

  111. 111: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    92:

    JennS~ The groovy thing is these types of guys barely even make it on to my horse, so I don’t even have to worry about slowing them down and letting them off.

    They are good practice.

    Next!

    ;-)

    ~Lilybelle.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:15pm

  112. 112: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    93:
    Me too. I think I mentioned once about the “boyfriend/relationship” I was about seven years ago? I think I must have been desperate!

    We were co-habitating. He asked me out on a date to see Mellencamp. The night of the concert, the people we were going with came to pick us up and while we were having pre-concert adult beverages, he informed me he was broke and that I would have to pay for the tickets.

    I was livid. This went on for a while…He would call me when I was away for the weekend (I got the ebie jeebies staying in the apartment with him towards the end so I would bolt) to tell me he didn’t have enough money for rent. He had plenty of money for music and things that interested him…

    I was one pi$sed off woman and finally told him that I was not willing to support his lazy ass and left him. Come to think of it, he didn’t like to have sex very much either. Foolish man. He moved back in with his parents.

    NEVER again!!!

    ~Lilybelle.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:24pm

  113. 113: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    101:

    They don’t work at my work either. I tried it last week on one fo the VP’s. He said, “Are you finished yet?” I replied, Almost and went back into boy mode and it worked out just the way I wanted it to.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:32pm

  114. 114: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    103:

    Lone Plum~

    THAT was hilarious! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

    ~Lil.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:33pm

  115. 115: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    113:

    I shouldn’t say they don’t work but rather, didn’t work with this VP I was dealing with.

    I use them quite a bit with the guys around the place. Most of them are open and receptive but are not working “above” me. I wonder if they find it “weird” because we have all worked together for years and this is a new way of me being… No matter, I will just keep practicing.

    Glad I thought about that a bit more…

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 3:50pm

  116. 116: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria,

    Thank you.

    That is pretty much what I said in the end.

    I felt fearful and vulnerable and needy saying it.

    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:00pm

  117. 117: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    From Rori’s e-mail newsletter:

    ‘A man will know, without you even having to say anything, if you’ve decided that you’re “off the market” and have “set your sights” on him (for a future together).’

    I feel such fear reading these kind of statements.

    Like often when I like a guy, I start imagining that we will be together. I often even imagine what it might feel like to marry him! And then I feel panicky because I worry about giving off that needy vibe.

    I am flipping this to ‘how great is it that I am so romantic! And I can imagine things! Woohoo.’

    Ow, housemate just came home!

    That feels nice to have some company or another being in the house.

    Think I am going to use my imagination for powerful daydream vidualization about my man stepping up and looking after me.

    Ummm.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:06pm

  118. 118: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    105 Ella

    I would not invite him over.
    It is leaning forward, it is opening the door for him before he even worked at taming you at all.
    If you are already tamed to the point you ask him to please come to you, to make sure you don’t lose him, why should he even bother to work at it?
    The most probable is that he will hope to meet another woman to tame.

    If he senses you want him at your place because you feel so lonely and you can’t wait for him to come up with a plan, he won’t feel special.
    He might think you tell the same to any passer bye. Hence he won’t see you as special either.
    If you are not interested at all by him, then be it, invite him over, but know that you would be leaning forward.

    But if you are interested by this man, let him come up with a plan himself.
    2 cups of coffee in a public place do not cost a fortune, unless he feels it is not worth it.
    You might take some interest at sirens posts. Tinque suggested economical dates on this thread.

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:19pm

  119. 119: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – it’s really helped me to say out loud

    “i’m feeling needy” to a man

    “wow, im feeling so needy! i feel embarassed feeling this way!”

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:35pm

  120. 120: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ‘If he senses you want him at your place because you feel so lonely and you can’t wait for him to come up with a plan, he won’t feel special.
    He might think you tell the same to any passer bye. Hence he won’t see you as special either.’

    I feel worried reading this.

    I don’t see it that way at all…

    i wouldn’t worry about how special he feels,

    or that if i tell the same to any passerby what he would think.

    I think it’s great to say the same to every passerby… indeed this is something i practice, expressing how i feel to any man

    i feel lonely, and i am open to fill that desire for companionship from any passerby

    i’m special always, of course, by being me, and i assume everyone will think so, i am the gift and the yummy pie

    **

    filling my loneliness in the moment, is not the same as filling my desire to be pursued and romanced…

    so that is a difference i’ve noticed

    that even though i can soothe my loneliness by reaching out and asking for help in the form of human presence

    i still desire men to pursue me – this doesn’t seem to get fulfilled when i ask for companionship

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:46pm

  121. 121: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel concerned too hearing references to feeling messages “working”

    the only “work” they are to do is allowing us to feel good that we have expressed ourselves fully

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:48pm

  122. 122: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel disconnected

    i feel unsafe

    i feel sad

    i feel tired

    i feel sleepy

    i feel nutritionally stressed

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:49pm

  123. 123: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel really disconnected from loneplum when i read some of her thoughts and it doesn’t feel good to me

    i feel sad to feel this way

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:51pm

  124. 124: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    sometimes i feel jealous of the attention and admiration and appreciation i see expressed for her

    i feel compelled to debate with her

    i feel afraid

    i feel left out and invisible

    i feel abandoned

    i feel forgotten

    i feel not paid attention to

    i feel sad

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:53pm

  125. 125: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    93 Boomer,

    I once dated a guy who said I should start paying to make up for how emotionally draining I was. I said since he’s there for me emotionally, I should be there for him financially. I like paying every now and then. And I like giving gifts. But not when it’s demanded from some manipulative mooch.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:55pm

  126. 126: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i notice myself judging myself for feeling this way

    i feel afraid

    afraid my group of friends will all leave me

    i have to “do” something amazing to keep them, keep their attention

    otherwise i will feel

    alone

    lonely

    i feel sick

    i love my feelings

    mmm i love my feelings so much

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:55pm

  127. 127: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I mean HE said.

    Man, I really need to start eating on a regular basis again.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:56pm

  128. 128: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum thanks.

    And yet somehow what you are suggesting just doesn’t feel authentic to me in this scenario.

    I have worked it through and this is where I got to.

    I am not going to pretend that I don’t feel lonely right now or that I would not like some company, just in case this puts him off.

    I am not going to pretend I want a coffee date, I don’t, in fact the thought of that just feels icky to me atm.

    I am going to be completely authentic and say how I feel.

    He had already said that if he had his car he would come over to me and stop me feeling lonely.

    He also suggested meeting up to do something and there is still an issue of money.

    At this point I said that maybe we could do some stuff once we both had money again and if in the meantime he wants to hang out a bit at mine that would feel good to me.

    I don’t want to be lonely.

    And having a man come to me to take care of me feels good at this point.

    I feel like I am being untrue to myself to not accept a man to take care of me when I am feeling needy for love and attention, or to be insistent that it must be a coffee date or whatever just because I think I should want this.

    I don’t want this.

    I want a man to come to my house and hang out with me here.

    He will still need to figure the day, how to get here, what to bring, how to entertain me etc, etc…

    I feel worried of coming across as ungrateful of advice I asked for and I don’t mean to be.

    Maybe it is a bit lean forward and that makes me feel nervous.

    However it kinda feels like exactly what I need right now.

    Hmmm, I will wait and see.

    Maybe I have been too controlling, and/or not trusting of him to come up with a plan, and maybe not.

    However one thing I feel confident about is that I have been open and authentic and vulnerable. And I have expressed my needs in a way that feels like honouring myself, and not just doing stuff for the sake of it.

    I guess really for me that is what matters right now and nevermind about any outcomes.

    However maybe a good dose of leaning back and letting him take it from here could be called for and help things to feel really in balance.

    He still has a lot to figure out.

    And I still have a lot of focusing on me to do. And also plenty of CD-ing just for good measure so that the vibe is balanced… I want to say something about the Force aka Starwars! Lol.

    I am feeling playful.

    Loneplum hope I have not been dismissive. Your posts and input always help me.

    And yet sometimes I also feel a touch of disconnect with you when I percieve you as having quite a firm view on ‘the right’ way that things should be done.

    Ow I feel nervous to say that!

    Hmmm, I am definiely rambling now!

    Lol.

    Well lets just see what happens. And I’ll lean WAY back now.

    :-)

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 4:59pm

  129. 129: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    121:

    Exactly, Daria. When I was practicing FM’s on the VP at work, it didn’t work, I felt horrible.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:00pm

  130. 130: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    103 loneplum,

    yes! i’ll take a smoke as well. if it’s brown, i’m down.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:01pm

  131. 131: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    hey sirens, it’s been 4 days since adam called me. that was his first phone call in 6 months. and he hasn’t reached out or initiated communication in any way since that phone call 4 days ago.

    what should i do?

    is texting or emailing ‘it felt good talking with you’ too leany forward?

    what are your suggestions?

    and, of course, i’m very interested in what TINQUE has to say. and i thank her for the congrats. you people here are the only positive reinforcement i have in my life.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:06pm

  132. 132: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    129:

    and in order for me to feel back on my work “game” (I use this loosely) I had to turn loose my boy energy and get the conference call handled and finished.

    VP had a plane to catch which may have been why it felt bad. I wasn’t being heard. I was being dismissed with regards to my opinions and feelings surrounding the discussion.

    I’ll keep on keeping on.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:08pm

  133. 133: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    131:

    Kaitlyn,

    Stay leaned back, girl. You are doing great!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:09pm

  134. 134: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I have been open, vulnerable and expressed my need.

    Now I will skip away to play in the Siren field and geto so distracted he will have to come and find me again!

    I love this push/pull.

    I know I am on my right track when everything drops into my vagina and it feels warm and fuzzy!

    I am going to practice letting him take control from here and trusting him to come up with something good.

    Very hard for me.

    Very good practice.

    And I will say what does/doesn’t feel good.

    I feel nervous, vulnerable and slightly cross about letting a man take total charge.

    And excited, a lil apprehensive and more excited.

    And curious, willing, ready to experiment.

    Practice, practice, practice!

    Wooohoo!

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:09pm

  135. 135: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle,

    I’m dismissed at work everyday. It’s either this or live in the gutter. I’m gonna put ‘Doormat’ on my W2’s.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:10pm

  136. 136: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    133 Lilybelle,

    Are you sure on stay leaned back? I mean, I can’t tell when he needs someone or not because his fb status everyday is a pity party.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:12pm

  137. 137: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    135:

    I know, Kaitlyn and sometimes, I feel so angry to read about how you are treated. I want to pull a totaly boy on him and ask him who the F(ck does he think he is to treat our girl with such disrespect.

    I still think you could explore personal styling.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:14pm

  138. 138: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn remember it is not about him and his feelings.

    Xoxox

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:15pm

  139. 139: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I miss Adam telling me he misses me. He’s not the kind of guy to do that for no reason or be manipulative. He truly means what he says. Or he says nothing. Should I ‘reward’ him with initiating contact to him?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:16pm

  140. 140: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    136:

    I wouldn’t lean forward at all. Of course, you are talking to the queen of lean back. (I have a bit of a stubborn streak) Someone else may have other thoughts/ideas for you.

    I really believe you have been doing a excellent. And, I believe in you.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:17pm

  141. 141: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    Then why do guys always complain their ex didn’t care about their feelings?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:18pm

  142. 142: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Just reviewed FB message convo with my CD guy, and it feels fine.

    Lots of FMs from me, lots of solutions and take care suggestions from him, followed by a suggestion to meet from him, which I could not do that day.

    Then a suggestion from me that he could hang out sometime here and that would feel good to me.

    I think its ok.

    Love me anyway.

    Nighty night Sirens.

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:18pm

  143. 143: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I need help!! So I have been hanging out with this guy and we aren’t dating or anything but we are friends with benefits I guess you could say. Well I really like him and about a month ago he stopped calling me and texting me, and I didn’t do anything to make him think I was chasing him, and FINALLY today he asked me if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and that he could come to my house around 3:30, well 3:30 came around and he never came over, he does this all the time and it really makes me mad. I want to confront him about it but I have no idea what to say. Can anyone help me figure out what to say? I really like this guy and I don’t want to push him away what so ever. And can you also give me some suggestions on what NOT to do? Thank you (:

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:18pm

  144. 144: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    Maybe cus guys love to complain ;-)

    And they THINK they know what they need (pwaahahah, poor little luvs! Lol)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:20pm

  145. 145: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I may have turned Adam off at the end of the convo when he said I looked great in a certain pic and I said, “well, i was 102 lbs. but i’m eating again.” that was an unconscious pity party on my part that i know turns guys off.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:24pm

  146. 146: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Yapping with a CD. He asked me what night I could pencil him in, I said Thurs.

    I am a bit nervous because the photo of him, he says is five years old but he pretty much still looks this way. He is bending over backwards and offered to take another photo and send it to me now.

    Five years..people can change a lot or not at all. I pretty much look the same (if not better) than five years ago…

    I feel ashamed.
    And nervous.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:28pm

  147. 147: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I will go. I will be my charming, siren-y self. I will not ask him to send me another photo.

    I will be open and vibe-y and goddess-y.

    I forgive myself for my perceptions of my shallowness.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:30pm

  148. 148: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    He’s ten years older than I. Perhaps I feel concerned that he will be all “old” acting and feeling.

    Shame on me.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:33pm

  149. 149: Island GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kaitlyn- Please try not to worry about your comment on your weight. It probably registered more to you than to him. Plus, it’s in the past and it is what it is. Your conversation with A seemed to be really, really positive (I’m sooooo happy for you!) so, please – don’t psyche yourself out.
    It’s only been 4 days. I think that leaning back is the best idea. If you see something that really concerns you on his fb (as you did before), then contacting him (in the gentle way you did before) probably wouldn’t be too bad, but for now you are probably better off not initiating contact.
    I know it sucks, but it turns out so much better, doesn’t it? Just think about how much you wanted to contact him before – and see how this worked out? :-)
    If you had been running after him, he wouldn’t be telling you that he missed you.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 5:53pm

  150. 150: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Jeannette , I hope I have the right thread. In response to your money saving question, I have the bank take a small amount out of my chequing and put into a savings acct. each week. It really does add up! most banks have a service such as this.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:01pm

  151. 151: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yep kaitlyn, lean back, and the comment about your weight, though somewhat of a cry for Adam to sit up and pay attention, take care of you in a sense, likely went right over his head, so please try not to fret about it.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:05pm

  152. 152: Island GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – I love it when you post. You are such a warm and loving presence and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:12pm

  153. 153: DENo Gravatar says:

    My body feels draining…and heavy to carry today…
    My period started. That’ might contribute to my body sensations…
    I also sense sadness…and loneliness…
    I feel tearful…I have cried on and off throughout the day
    I seek companionship, affection and love…
    I feel tired…I want to share the load of worries with someone
    Yet, I also feel fear…and that feels like tightness in my chest and shortness of breath
    I expand my breathing…and I burst into tears…
    I want to feel safe
    I want to feel treated like a Goddess always
    Oh Gosh, just realized…How could I expect to Honor, Appreciate, and Love the Man I intend to Call In for me…?
    If I don’t Honor, appreciate, and love the man/boy inside of me
    I am now, setting my intention
    To honor my inner Boy
    To stop taking him for granted
    I want to recognize, appreciate, and express love for his efforts
    For taking care of me…
    Very well, I might say
    He is the Man that knows me best…
    He has never abandoned me
    He always loved me
    Being strong and being vulnerable
    Being all that I am…and
    Thank you for All that U do…

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:13pm

  154. 154: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Island Girl – Your comment fills me up. Thank you.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:17pm

  155. 155: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    128 Ella

    ***105: Ella says:
    Quick question Sirens,
    If one of my CDs doesn’t have much money atm… and neither do I, and he has made it clear that he wants to see me and take me out, is it ok to suggest that he can come and hang out with me here at my house?***

    I read this as a honest question to receive honest points of view, different points of view according to each siren.
    I did not understand you wanted people to specifically say you should go ahead and tell him to “hang out” at your house. I sincerely did not get you were looking for a validation for a choice you had already made and you would feel upset that a siren would chose a different option than yours.

    I will go back to not answering your questions like I have done the past months. Getting you upset is the last thing I want and on the other hand I can’t lie and write solely what you expect to read. It would not be my point of view any more, it would be an hypocritical validation. I am going on my tip toe back to the ranks of the silent ones. :)

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:26pm

  156. 156: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum please feel free to speak up about any of my comments.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:41pm

  157. 157: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I’m feeling great!

    Thank you Daria for making me a green leaf and blackberry smoothie

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:42pm

  158. 158: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Ella, I’m with LonePlum. I think inviting him over is too much too soon. Besides LP’s great points, I would fear that he thinks that’s another type of invitation.

    Public.

    Inexpensive.

    Focus on getting to know one another.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:50pm

  159. 159: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 143 Kayla hi. You did not say how old you were but I personally don’t like “hanging out”. I suggests idly doing nothing which could give him the impression that you are not dating anyone else and just waiting for him to come around. I’d rather do walk in the park, on the beach or maybe roller blade in the park. Hanging out in the house could suggest sexual innuendos, at least that’s what I think.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:51pm

  160. 160: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I feel very protective.

    I feel super angry!

    ‘I did not understand you wanted people to specifically say you should go ahead and tell him to “hang out” at your house. I sincerely did not get you were looking for a validation for a choice you had already made and you would feel upset that a siren would chose a different option than yours.’

    I feel so angry reading this I want to smash your face in!!!

    I feel rageful.

    Breathe.

    I feel sad and afraid under that, like a ephemeral glimmer.

    Relaxing.

    Sadness.

    Reminds me of mom and dad.

    Yay for me for noticing!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:53pm

  161. 161: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Does everybody have their comments modified or just me ? I always liked this very loving place It feels bad to be censored.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:54pm

  162. 162: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    125: kaitlyn

    I ran a boarding house for manipulative mooches for years it seems ;) Hence, why I am SOOOO trigger-y about men and money. I should work on letting it go, because truly, no man can take advantage of me financially again unless I allow it.

    I can see perhaps paying eventually…if it’s a man I have been dating for some time AND if it’s something I really want to do and I invite him to enjoy it with me. I am a fan of giving thoughtful gifts too when the time is right, but no more will I put together $100 gourmet coffee baskets or buy $300 leather coats for anyone but a husband or life partner.

    I feel bitter about men and money right now. Yeah, I’m gonna work on that. I’d like to think though, that it’s me exploring my boundaries and that I will find some peaceful ground eventually.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:55pm

  163. 163: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Who cares what he thinks! That’s his business!

    He’s just a man out of millions, a man that can help me soothe my loneliness.

    I can ask for company when I feel lonely.

    It would feel great to have some company.

    It would feel great to have my car washed. Can you help?

    Rori says man coming to our house is good.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:56pm

  164. 164: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Venus – mine arent

    Comments go into moderation if they spell out Jes’us or Fuc’k

    Or have more than one link

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 6:58pm

  165. 165: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    I think I finally shouted “I give up!” when my last relationship man gave me a colander for Valentine’s Day (and I had given him the aforementioned gourmet coffee basket).

    Yes, a colander–the pasta strainer thing. My daughter was there when he gave it to me, and ever the big-mouth, she said, “Really? That’s all you’re giving her?”

    This after he had mentioned taking me to dinner (he didn’t) and buying me an artisan bracelet we had seen together at an art gallery (which I never got).

    And he also gave me a sex card. We hardly ever had sex! Why a thoughtless, “funny” sex card?

    I broke up with him a month later.

    Ahem…OK…working toward getting over it…LOL. I really have not thought about this in a long time. Wow, BoyScout’s money comment really has triggered me!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:00pm

  166. 166: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited to heal! Woo hoo bring it on!

    I feel smily and good.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:01pm

  167. 167: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    159Femininewoman: I completely agree with what you are saying, I just turned 22 and am pretty new at this. I want to do other things than just “hang out” at my house but I don’t know how to get him to come around more and actually want to do other things. The biggest problem is that usually when he says he is going to come over he doesn’t, or he makes me wait an extra hour or two before he actually does come over, sometimes I don’t wait for him but other times I do because it’s late at night and there’s really nothing else I can do.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:03pm

  168. 168: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman , I love sexual inuendo! It feels playful . It feels confident and strong to me. Some of your comments feel very judgemental . This is a safe and loving place !

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:03pm

  169. 169: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow all my intense feelings just melted after that, sigh that feels good.

    I don’t want to smash you part of me that feels defensive when your advice and help seems unappreciated… I love you and I embrace you! Thank you for being there for me!

    I’m here for you.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:05pm

  170. 170: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 105 Ella what struck me in that post was that he says “he wants to take you out”. I would let him. Remember first impressions last. My ex tells me his father used to say “don’t start something you can’t finish”. Your suggest also imply “take me for granted”. I have been there and will never go back.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:05pm

  171. 171: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Daria , thanks!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:08pm

  172. 172: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 167 Kayla that last statement is telling. There is a big world to explore and much to experience. I would look for things to do if I were you. Have you checked up meetup.com? You never know.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:09pm

  173. 173: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    168Venus: I also agree with you, sexual innuendo is not always a bad thing, but that’s not my problem. . . My problem is, he says he’s going to come over but a lot of the time he doesn’t can ANYBODY help me with this? Thank you for your advice (: I really appreciate it.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:10pm

  174. 174: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 165 I think that is great Boomer. What that triggered for me was Laughing Goddess’s cutting the cord ritual. That one you definitely need to recoup your energy from.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:12pm

  175. 175: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, by the way if I didnt love Me so much Id want to be you ! Young , smart and beautiful ! Its all good and so are you !

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:12pm

  176. 176: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    today NAVY guy left – how easy they leave before they are really in. There was a misundertanding, something about me he missed readind on my profile, that for him was a “deal breaker”, I did not get mad I just told him that I am who I am and who ever wants me has to take all of me :)

    I left it at that…it is what it is.

    here is a poem I like…

    One Art
    by Elizabeth Bishop

    The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
    so many things seem filled with the intent
    to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

    Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
    of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
    The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

    Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
    places, and names, and where it was you meant
    to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

    I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
    next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
    The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

    I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
    some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
    I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

    –Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
    I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
    the art of losing’s not too hard to master
    though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:12pm

  177. 177: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla, “hanging out” is not dating. I know college-aged people don’t really “date” in the traditional way, but I’d ask you to consider setting an expectation that you wish to be courted.

    The other thing I would refer to from your posts is that you “want to get him to do” something. Sirens do not strategize for a desired outcome. We are fabulous and amazing and busy and focused on ourselves…which draws men to us. But not every man–this one may not respond to a mature woman focusing on herself, and therefore, he is not the one for you! He does not sound at all considerate or able to be what you want, IMHO.

    I wish I had know about being a Siren and valuing myself and all that Rori advocates when I was 22! Read and learn and embrace this stuff, Kayla. 43-year-old Kayla will thank you :)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:15pm

  178. 178: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla, He is a friend with benefits as you put it. If you make yourself available with expectations you may be dissapointed. I would tell him in feeling messages just how you are feeling ! Give him a chance to respond and go from there. I hope that helps.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:19pm

  179. 179: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 101 Boomer I am all about experimenting. I have even cried in front of one recently. Something I had sworn against some years ago. That one jumped up and offered me cookies. Then he came back later to my desk trying to make me feel good. Ever since then he playful threatens to beat up another one for me.

    There is one particular guy one tends to consistently get triggered whenever I use it but I use it anyway. Last time I used it twice and he walked off saying “people around here are too sensitive for me”. He apparently spoke to another one who we are close with. He came to find out what was wrong. I was upbeat and told him nothing but I considered that our friend was in his head so I am not worried about him. He went and reported what I said to our friend who came softly later to ask me if I was alright. I consciously soften my vibe when I use FMs and I find most of the times it magnitize guys towards me. They physically move closer. It’s been an amazing experience for me.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:22pm

  180. 180: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 177 Boomer do you mean “setting an intention”?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:23pm

  181. 181: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla, I have an 18-year-old daughter, and I have shared Rori’s approach with her. AT 18, she has totally “gone Siren,” and is finding that she has lots of good young guys stepping up to take her out, treat her to lovely dates, and pursue her. She has lots of dates, which in high school can get you branded “a slut” pretty quickly, but because she is graceful and gracious and expresses herself in feeling messages (and not messing around randomly doesn’t hurt either), no one would ever consider calling her something so vile.

    I know you’re younger and guys your age tend to value very causal encounters and no-strings “relationships,” but I urge you to want something different for yourself. I guess because I have a daughter who is also a young woman, I am feeling motherly and protective over you!!!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:24pm

  182. 182: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel you sound so centered and different. You will get your heart’s desire.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:25pm

  183. 183: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 181 Me too Kayla. My daughter is 14 and I totally agree with Boomer.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:26pm

  184. 184: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, nope I think I met setting an expectation…letting this young man and others that her expectation for herself is to be treated as a prize. Maybe it’s a case of potato/patato…you tell me…did you react negatively to the way I said “set the expectation?” Is there some semantic difference in Roriland that I am not aware of?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:27pm

  185. 185: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Judgment reigns supreme here lately. it feels really , really bad. Bad vibes and bad feelings. Didnt used to be like this.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:32pm

  186. 186: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    No Boomer I did not react negatively just wanted to understand what you meant. But now that you explain I understand where you are coming from. I thought you meant kinda like having an expectation for an outcome. I have an Interview from a coach who says “expectations are the mother of disasters” . I totally agree with having an expectation for herself to be treated as a prize. That was not how I read it originally. Thanks for clarifying.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:33pm

  187. 187: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW…I love our respectful exchanges :) I value you and what I learn from you here.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:34pm

  188. 188: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Venus, you’ve mentioned your feeling about the judgmental vibe on here a couple times. Can you clarify?

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:35pm

  189. 189: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Boomer, I value you too. I am happy you wrote that about expectations in that way I hope Kayla can find something in there to value for herself.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:37pm

  190. 190: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    From above:-

    “we ALL have work to with our perceptions, our thoughts, our attitudes that lead to our feelings”.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:42pm

  191. 191: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla – I have this come up for me too

    I practice being ok with whatever. I can’t control him. I also don’t wait for him more than 20 min.

    I will also practice with speaking up… ‘I feel… Uncomfortable sharing this and the truth is I feel kinda resentful that we make plans and there’s no follow thru or cancelation. I feel disconnected from you and I don’t want that. What do you think we should do?’

    If this is really feeling bad I can say no to him about coming over.

    What’s important is 1. To share my truth without blame

    2. To circular date so he’s not my only practice partner

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:43pm

  192. 192: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Venus :)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:46pm

  193. 193: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Am feeling so sad reading glimpses of losing poem and feeling grief and heartbreak suddenly a image of getright joking

    Ouch feeling crying

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:48pm

  194. 194: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Well, it’s been a great day. I made some decisions that I’ve been putting off and gave myself some ‘boy’ things to do. I was feeling stuck and very down. Now that ‘he’ (my inner-boy) accomplished things I’ve been wasting energy worrying about and helped me get unstuck, I feel pretty good and ‘lighter.’

    I ended up taking my loppers and pruners and cutting all the branches off the christmas tree and taking the trunk out of the stand. Now I have a huge pile of branches (and needles!) on my front porch—-BUT when I turn the light on you can’t see a christmas tree standing in there :-)

    I made a big mess and probably should have “waited” (for what?) but I feel good that I did it. I’ll have to get those large lawn and leaf bags to put all the branches in. Probably two to three bags. Ugh….

    Ella, is this a man you’ve met before? I guess I don’t have all the details, really, but I guess I would worry about possibly giving the wrong impression by inviting him into your home, especially if your housemate is not home. I don’t know what Rori says about this kind of thing, but it’s always a good idea to meet new people (or people we dont’ know very well) in a public place. I’m just concerned is all…

    Lillybelle/#146–don’t beat yourself up. I’m kind of like that, too. I think we all are to some degree–you’re just being honest about it! ;-)

    Kayla/#143—I think you should do nothing. (I’m talking to myself, here, as well.) If he really wanted to be there—he’d have been knocking at your door at or before 3:30. I would NOT ask him about it…especially when it’s something as personal/vulnerable as sex. I could never ask a man, “Why didn’t you want to have sex with me?” (Makes me cringe just to think of it…)

    And you say he does this often. I know you said you really like him, but he’s showing you who he is–it’s much easier on US when we believe it right away :-( I’m sorry. I know how it is to feel disappointed.

    Very strange weather here…this afternoon it was 47 degrees and windy. Thirty minutes later I opened the back door to feed the birds and it was a balmy 82 degrees! Now it’s very windy—50mph gusts and still 72. (Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have the heat on…so this is wacky.)

    Daria, glad to hear you feel good!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:50pm

  195. 195: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Thankful for what is.
    Do we have any other choice? Is there a single non stressful reason to chose bitterness and jealousy against happiness?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE
    ****“When the time comes, I’ll be able to hold her heart.”***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:56pm

  196. 196: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY

    ***If I fail, I try again, and again and again***
     Nick Vujicic

    ***It matters how you finish.
    Are you going to finish strong?***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:57pm

  197. 197: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.attitudeisaltitude.com/index.php
    ***“A broken heart is a broken heart, but there is hope.
    I hope that through this book you will start saying that when the circumstance doesn’t change that it is still possible for a heart change. “***
     Nick Vujicic

    xxx

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 7:58pm

  198. 198: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for that reminder Loneplum. Nick is a real inspiration your attitude does determine your altitude.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:02pm

  199. 199: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Bummer. I think BoyScount is ending things. Can’t say I feel surprised. Or disappointed really.

    We were chatting online today and he asked if he could call tonight. Here it is, 11:00PM and he has not called yet. He texted me to say he was going to call, but it’s probably too late and he feels depressed. I said, “I’m up. What’s wrong?”

    He texted he’s depressed about “money and dating, especially…I don’t know.”

    I replied, “Oh. Dating me?”

    To which he replied, “In part. Dating long distance. Dating when money’s tight. Dating around kids’ activities. I don’t feel right talking about this over text.”

    I replied, “OK.”

    He: “Can we talk tomorrow, please?”

    Me: “Sure, BoyScout.”

    So……OK, letting a nice man court me was a nice experiment. Truth is that I’m not that into him. And the money really is an issue for him. We’ll see tomorrow…I suspect he will be a stand-up guy and be honest with me tomorrow. That’s good, right?

    I still feel…disappointed.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:09pm

  200. 200: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    199 Boomer, I feel your disappointment. When he calls tomorrow, make sure you use your feeling messages.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:20pm

  201. 201: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I keep feeling triggered to when Adam suggested we exchange gifts at Christmas though he was long distance. Come 1/15, I still never received my gift. He said he felt turned off that I was so hung up on the issue and that I was unempathetic to how busy and chaotic his life back East is due to work and his dad. 2 days later, I told him about the Paris job and used the gift as one of the examples of him letting me down. It made him angry when I said it.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:21pm

  202. 202: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I got him a gift. Rush mailed it to him in 3 days. No idea if he ever picked it up since it’s his friend’s po box, only his friend has the key, only his friend can pick up mail, and he said his friend promises to go to the box but doesn’t.

    Trigger also for me.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:23pm

  203. 203: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    So today I got a text message from Sexy Older Guy who I now see was someone who I was accepting crumbs from (now that I have a “list man” to compare him to). He asked how I was and how my weekend was. I responded that my weekend was great and I hope his was as well. No questions from me to keep the texts going. I think he got the vibe I was sending because he didn’t text back. I had a huge feeling of sadness and disappointment in him now that I realize the crumbs I was accepting. I was ok with these feelings and let myself feel them. That is the first time I was aware that it was ok to let myself feel them.

    About a half hour later I got a text from Poker Player saying he can’t stop smiling and it is all my fault. What a great feeling :)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:27pm

  204. 204: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    TINQUE,

    What do I do about 201 and 202? I read your blogs about expectations vs being surprised.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:31pm

  205. 205: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla,

    I agree with Boomer. And even if you just want an f-buddy thing from this guy, you still have to tell him you feel turned off by flakes and unkindness.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:33pm

  206. 206: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hhhmmm… well, I was having a very sad day today. (was my sister’s birthday that passed away from cancer) and after my conversation with Mike1 last night, I decided to let my guard down a bit with Mike2, and practice going with it. I think I want a relationship, he seems too…

    Anyways, He texted me goodmorning cutie! Which I replied you too, was just thinking about you. He wrote back Wonderful! How are you? We made small talk, and then I leaned forward to say, I miss you. He wrote back I miss you too. Then I texted him when I was leaving work early, and he replied. I said he could call me because I was driving. That was 8 hours ago, and I haven’t heard from him.

    I’m not disappointed that he didn’t call. We both have lives, maybe he didn’t feel like talking or got caught up in something. What I am disappointed about, is that I leaned forward and tried to be open and honest about my feelings, and he chooses then to be less available.

    Hmm… lots’ to think about, but i’m going to bed, and hopefully will sleep much better tonight.

    Goodnight all!

    Boomer, sorry about boyscout. :(

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:35pm

  207. 207: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, I know you asked Tinque, but my 2 cents would be to leave the past behind you and start fresh. I would think about if I want him in my life, is it worth it to bring up that same old fight? What if he didn’t get the gift? Is that worth not rekindling something now? I know that is easier said than done, but sometimes if we can really truly let things go, we are much better off. That is the only way my ex and I have been able to get to the place where we are now. We forgave each other for a lot, and you eventually have to forget too if it’s something that is painful for you. Just try not to think about it, and move forward.

    I think you are doing great! :)

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:41pm

  208. 208: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Some times we have to let go…I remembered something in RR’s ebook that say about not controlling – something about opening your hands instead of closing a fist. I felt disappointed that NAVY guy did not read my essay about my beliefs and what I wanted for me (and I expressed those feelings). I feel flattered that he was mesmerized with my pictures that forgot to read the small print. I feel good because I did not seek his aproval like I used to do before with men, it was a good practice after not dating for three months.
    “D” said that maybe we will meet on friday lol again here he comes with the maybe…I said that maybe doesn’t work for me anymore, that I wanted more reasurance and a set time and confirmation. I can sense he knows I am not afraid of “loosing” him again.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 8:57pm

  209. 209: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly – I was just wondering… thinking about how at first things were so great w hotpilot… and I wonder how do you Ever know for sure?… if things are great for 3 months, maybe they start to turn at 6. Or maybe they’re still great for a year, and then some dealbreakers show up…. And then there’s the Soulmate Secret author who got engaged two wks after mtg her guy! I just feel kinda sad thinking about this.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:41pm

  210. 210: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear world,

    I had another date and I’m happy to report that the men are “showing up”. They may not be “the one” but they are chivalrous and intent on “entertaining me”. They effort to be attentive and “protect” me from the world at large. I get the distinct impression that they want to see me smile. Thank you universe.

    This is getting easier. I’m learning to lean on my intuition more in reference to this. I believe the man when he says he wants a partner.

    But, I am also learning how much I want to share my personal brand of spirituality with my “one”. I want us looking in the same direction. I want to share a center. I want to cast my eyes on what is good…….I do not want to convert the jaded, save the cynic, or reform non believer. I want him ready made, cut from the same cloth……because it’s been too long that I have walked through the desert……I see the shore and I’m ready to drink from the springs.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:57pm

  211. 211: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    SIRENS NEED ADVICE…The man I am in love with but leaning way back, Well I used a feeling message and just said I miss hearing from him lately on phone. wELL i guess i leaned forward but this man knows how I feel about him and we text daily, a lot of times he intiates sometimes I just say hello. We may talk more but anywaYS WHEN I told him that I missed hearing from him he said well you should call me more often. I responed yes I could and he could call me as well. Well WHAT DO I DO >>>DO I CALL HIM???????? Please help I don’t know if I should call him or not. We are not together but there is connection and I believe he knows what I want in life regarding What I want in relationships. TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL!!!! HELP!!! suggestions pretty please???

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 9:58pm

  212. 212: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG i just redid my POF profile and I’m receiving like 20 men already and some of them are SO CUTE! wooo hooo feeling excited

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:00pm

  213. 213: LeleNo Gravatar says:

    I allowed and it was wonderful. The man was kind, funny, generous, intelligent. The man does not want long term but I opened without expectation and I had more fun and good feelings than ever. I surrender and let go. Glad I have met him, that I Iet myself meet him. A few tears shed for possibilities that are to never be but I feel wonderful, strong, flexible, happy even in the tears. Perhaps I finally am getting this.

    I love me. I am love. I am the prize. I am grateful for the abundance that is my life. Thank you for the opportunities to learn, to see more clearly. Thank you for the health, support, universal love that flows to and through me. Thank you for the easing of the pain triggered from past events. Thank you for the healing that is flowing within me now. I am the succulent treasure that my soul mate is seeking.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:03pm

  214. 214: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have found that many men who continue to spend a lot on dates and gifts 1) live above their means and are in debt, and/or 2) “buy love” because it is easier for them than spending time and attention and intimacy and creativity – so easy to throw down money and make a big splash, so hard to really have a relationship, and/or 3) are focusing on making a good impression to “hook” you and will totally slack off once you are theirs… I would be happy eating a PBJ with a loving and fun man on a date.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:07pm

  215. 215: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I so hear you about the spiritual compatibility. I feel so blessed to have one now who fits with me spiritually in an amazing, incredible, breathtaking way… so much magical synchronicity btwn us too. It feels divine.

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:13pm

  216. 216: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    At the very least, we are “soulmates for a season” and I am so grateful!

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 10:22pm

  217. 217: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Soulmates for a season……I’m feeling a Grin coming on

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 11:08pm

  218. 218: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Goodnight

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 11:08pm

  219. 219: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg!

    i just was answering my deluge of pof messages…

    and i decided to really “go out on a limb” with this one guy who was SOOO not my type

    he kinda looks like the main guy in “knocked up”m chubby curly hair, grunge dresser,

    he even had his tongue sticking out in the only pic he had

    well… this guy got on webcam with me and HELLO! just like in “knocked up” he was super self assured!

    and i felt mucho attracted… so attracted that i started feeling nervous!

    wow!!!

    and then this other guy who looked all soft and stuff from his convo called me, and he sounds really strong and masculine from his voice and the way he talks!

    wow!!!

    super lessons here i feel thrilleD!

    theres also other men i want to answer now…

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 11:21pm

  220. 220: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this profile line makes me smile

    “I’m 6’6 tall dark an handsome with a smile that exudes awesomeness “

    Tuesday, 31 May 2011 @ 11:30pm

  221. 221: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: I agree with her too, I do need to tell him how I feel, I just didn’t know how to do it. Lol and NO I definately do not want to be just an “f-buddy” to him. I’m trying to build a relationship with him but at the moment it’s not working :/

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:13am

  222. 222: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Thank you SO much (: I will definately practice that. Most of the time I act like I don’t care if he doesn’t follow through with his plans. It hasn’t pushed him away but it definately hasn’t brought us any closer together either. I am doing circular dating, but I didn’t know how to confront him about it in a way that wouldn’t put blame on him. Thanks (:

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:18am

  223. 223: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and one more question, do you think it would be okay to say this to him over a text? Or should I do it in person?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:20am

  224. 224: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens…today I was thinking how I wish I had Rori’s tools about 10 years ago…I can think of how differently things would have turned out if I knew about circular dating and the trap of exclusivity…ahh wasted time kills me but I know it’s not healthy to look to the past too much.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:24am

  225. 225: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla,

    Not sure what to do for you because I’ve had botox last longer than my relationships.

    I turned my laptop on just for you. To tell you please stick around. I wish I’d learned this stuff younger. So many of us here are trying to reverse baggage and pain from the past in order to build ourselves up again to our true selves somewhere in this ego and the id.

    I would’ve gathered way less problems if I had Siren training and the support system as I do here.

    Damage is a b1tch to un-do.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:31am

  226. 226: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn…you made me laugh…ahh botox…Love it and miss it. Since I lost my job I cannot afford it, but I like it very much….

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 1:06am

  227. 227: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, a goddess does not put herself before someone else, she walks along with them. I felt bad reading alot of yours and femininewomans posts. It feels tangled and messy. The word “slut ” to refer to anyone let alone a teenage girl should feel wrong to someone who thinks they are a siren. We arent to judge, we set an example. I feel confused by the lack of respect.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 1:49am

  228. 228: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, Yes its me ! I cant figure this new laptop out enough to reply to mail. I feel like im new ! LOL I felt guilty not being who I was but then again Im not her anymore !

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 1:55am

  229. 229: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @335 on the previous thread
    Rosa says:
    “I just love this thought ..I am re-running it
    I love to imagine them trying to tame me .”

    Rosa, I love that thought too and it reminded me of one of my favourite quotes from “The Little Prince”

    “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:07am

  230. 230: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    ok, trying this…

    thank you kaitlyn for taking out the recycling
    thank you kaitlyn for answering work emails
    thank you kaitlyn for showering
    thank you kaitlyn for shaving
    thank you kaitlyn for applying obagi skin fade to face
    thank you kaitlyn for applying body lotion

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:16am

  231. 231: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Cute River Girl…:)
    I am feeling a little foxy tonight!

    I have been thinking about the men who make a financial splash as Lucy says, i have one like that just now and Lucy is so right about him “buying” validation.
    I am just accepting his gifts like a water wheel currently , but with a sense of awareness. I will keep doing so until it doesnt feel good any more.

    Had a CD visiting town today leave a phone message ” have you left the city yet? I am here a day early , what about coffee? “Why do they do this ! I called his phone and left a message, “Hi , its feels nice to hear from you and I am on my way to X… ,. Sorry cant meet . I need more notice . Have a great day!” I wont be seeing him this time hes in town.

    Flakey behaviour and all talk ..blahhhhh!!!!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:12am

  232. 232: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum re 155

    I feel angry and so low energy reading this.

    I feel like wack to my stomach.

    I feel defensive, uncomfortable and a bit cross.

    I was asking an honest question. My process is organic and sometimes I work through to my answer fairly quickly, and for me I still want to feel safe to ask a question here when I have one in my mind.

    As I said I DO appreciate Siren points of view and differing opinions and they often help me take a more balanced approach.

    It doesn’t mean that I need to follow the advice or opinions to the letter.

    I see lots of assumptions in your post 155 about how you think I feel, which you think is upset because you did not validate me.

    Actually I didn’t feel upset. I felt all the things I said on my reply such as nervous in case I was leaning forward, and also confident that I am expressing myself authentically.

    Your post 155 feels icky to me, I feel subtly attacked, with smiley faces thrown in so that it does not seem like an attack… that is how it feels to me anyway.

    This reminds me of when I express myself to a man with genuiness and authenticity and then he gets cross at me for being emotional, snipes at me and then withdraws, because I am ‘too much’.

    I feel weird that you are saying you have to tiptoe back to the silent ranks. Huh? I don’t understand – I feel confused.

    Gosh I feel triggered, like am I that awful that you don’t even think you can talk with me … :-(

    I feel insecure with this.

    I have always liked that Sirens can work through different approaches on here in a safe way by continuing to communicate in FMs and this doesn’t seem to be happening here.

    I feel angry that your post 155 seems to be all about making me bad and doesn’t actually say a thing about how you feel.

    Grrr, I feel cross.

    And that is ok with me, I do not need to tiptoe around my emotions bc I love them.

    As I said Loneplum I really respect and find your posts and ideas helpful and useful and I had already started to internalise some of your thoughts to help me in a more balanced approach.

    For example about letting him step up and come up with a plan, yes that can be great here! And allowig him to take me out so that I feel special and have high value.

    And yet I will still be authentic and let him serve me by coming to keep me company if that is what I need.

    I am taking what feels right and applying it to my situation.

    I don’t want to feel told off for coming to a slightly different conclusion.

    I did feel bad about asking for advice and then coming up with a different idea, however sometimes this is just how it works with my process.

    I can see how it may have seemed that I was seeking validation and thats fine and I still feel cross about the way this was expressed to me.

    Anyway tiptoe away of you want, there’s nothing I can do about that, except to say I am still open to you.

    I feel sad and now over and out from angry Ella Siren.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:14am

  233. 233: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer , Boy Scout man sounds like he wants someone to “heal” him of his depression and his financial woes.
    The text about it being too late and him too depressed sounded a bit like the sympathy gambit.

    I am glad you feel strong in what you want and what you deserve and I am glad you are ready to let him go if need be. Perhaps he will recycle himself when he feels more masculine and ready to be YOUR soft place to fall.

    I have (over some years) come to a place where I actively screen for financial compatibility. I find that money is very important to men and their self esteem and it feels bad if I am significantly financially more able than him. He needs to feel competent around me.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:25am

  234. 234: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella , I hear you feel attacked by LP.

    I fully support LP’s comments and I note that you asked a direct question and she answered directly.

    I believe that asking a casual guy you are keen on to hang out at your place is leaning forward. I believe its ok if you dont care or want a long term with him and are prepared to be seen as a casual date .

    I feel surprised when I hear you suggesting it after reading lots of your recent posts.

    Truth is we can talk ourselves into anything as a good option IF we want to., we can rationalise and convince ourselves that black is white and dont I know it But how do we FEEL about that ..what is that subtle inner feeling you get when you think about asking him over? What is the name of the feeling that sends you to ask the question on the blog?

    What is the feeling you get when Lone Plum answers the question with an answer you dont like and I or other sirens agree with her?

    To the extent this triggers you that is the area to shine your torch and look into all your dark corners..
    When i get triggered I spend some time reflecting on how is the thing I am denying also true for me?

    With lots of care and hugs..

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:35am

  235. 235: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I feel good about taking from this to let my guy take the lead a bit more…

    Let him come up with a plan.

    Let him court and me and find a way to take me out.

    Trust him that he wants to and can find a way and value me enough to believe I deserve it.

    That is what feels good from this.

    Also I feel proud that I expressed my needs and do not feel afraid to be authentic, even when it goes against general Siren protocol.

    I feel good that I can be in touch with how I feel and express that in the moment.

    And I feel good that I can appreciate the relationship balance needed between a man and a woman which allows me to gauge and then step back when required.

    Thanks Sirens.

    Lean back and feel good.

    xoxoxo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:36am

  236. 236: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa,

    Yes maybe you are right… I don’t know.

    I feel real low energy now…

    I just thought that here on Siren island there was no right and wrong, just ideas and feelings to guide us.

    My feeling about it is that I want him to come and hang out with me at my house.

    I don’t want to feel lonely.

    And I don’t want to go out just because that is what we are supposed to do.

    And on the other hand I feel slightly nervous in case it is sabotaging… I feel conflicted because I can see exactly what other Sirens are saying, and yet I am trying to be true to myself.

    Maybe there is something here around payoffs, ie: I feel lonely and want male company need versus deal with my lonliness and keep dating him w/o inviting him to mine in the hope it turns into a long term thing.

    Ick, I feel confused.

    I feel a lil bit judged.

    I thought the main aim here was about being authentic, not strategising to get an outcome.

    And yet I see the sense in what Sirens are suggesting too.

    But what about letting our feelings guide us?

    Anyway it is too late cus I suggested that he could come here and hang out with me a bit soon.

    I can’t take it back anyway.

    Oh now I feel sad in case I have f8cked it all up.

    But actually sometimes we tiptoe too much. I’m sure Rori said we can do anything if we feel Rockstar.

    Yes I am sure there is something here around feeling lonely and not being able to look after that part of me so reaching out to a man.

    Maybe something around not valuing myself enough or not trusting that he will step up so leaning forward…

    So yes there is work for the torchlight here…

    And yet I also just felt lonely and felt good to let a man take care of that.

    And also I stand by what I said about feeling subtly told off in LPs post 155.

    Hmmm, Ella confused Siren now.

    xoxoxox

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:49am

  237. 237: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella its not “bad” or “wrong” to ask him over, it just gives a predictable result to do it the same way ..with men as with all of life . When we do the same things we get the same results.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:51am

  238. 238: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Riffing:

    Hmph,

    I feel icky in tummy.

    Why do we have to be these stoical women that do everything by the book, even when it means being lonely and sad.

    I thought we could be warm and expressive and allow men to take care of us.

    And yet I so see the sense in raising degree of difficulty by traditional dating methods…

    And yet I don’t want ‘methods’. I want to be me! But with a few Siren tweaks.

    There must be some balance here.

    There must be a middel ground that feels good to me.

    Ok, I see perfect sense in what older, prob wiser Sirens are saying… and I want to listen.

    I also feel nervous about losing my degree of difficulty by allowing casual hang out at my house.

    On the other hand I want to be authentic and allow a man to take care of me.

    And this is what he said he wants.

    Ok, where is the good feeling path…

    How about I have expressed that I feel lonely. Yes all fine.

    Inviting him over = leaning forward.

    Yep got that :-(

    Ok, but not big disaster. Lean forward feeling can wear off.

    How do I work this one to a place of feeling good.

    Ok, I am human and I am sometimes vulnerable, sometimes lean forward.

    Mostly lean back and feminine so that good.

    Well I can’t undo.

    What I can do now is take care of my own lonliness, deal with that. See friends, make plans and take care of me.

    Lean back from Mr man and then see what he comes up with.

    Be open, warm invitation.

    See what he suggests.

    If he suggest coming over I may still let him.

    He would have to cycle 15 miles to me so not easy option for him. He would bring stuff. We could hang out. Might feel nice.

    But if I feel hesitant I will say so…

    If he invites me out I will accept.

    Argh… I feel nervous now and icky/anxious feeling like I have done everything wrong again.

    :-(

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:59am

  239. 239: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa re 237

    Even when it is taking care of our needs and emotions and allowing them to be knight in shining armour?

    Btw I don’t usually ask men to come hang at my house so not a usual route for me.

    I get that it is not ideal, and yet it feels ok.

    I feel confused.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:02am

  240. 240: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmph… maybe I am trying to avoid some feelings here?

    Lonely? Feeling alone.

    Ok maybe tradaitional dates would be better here for the relationship.

    Hmph, hmph.

    Now I feel wrong/bad, and worried that I have f8cked it all up.

    I feel horrible. Its ok though, to feel horrible.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:06am

  241. 241: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Riffing…

    Waaaa! I feel like bad Siren.

    Naughty, permisucious (can’t spell it) Siren.

    I feel judgmental of self.

    But actually I am strong Siren.

    I feel insecure and worried about messing things up with men.

    I want to feel relaxed.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:09am

  242. 242: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella you can do what ever you want !

    Siren Island is only acting here as a reflection of your inner Goddess. Sirens are shining Goddess Ella right back at you !

    She is wanting something else other than just a night with a casual guy where you are” giving “the date the gift of you without any investment from him. Part of you wants the company and attention, thats totally valid and ok.

    Your Inner Goddess is offering you awareness and options however and she is triggering the old Ella .Goddess Ella requires changes of old patterns and behaviour and its tricky! What you choose is all GOOD as long as its done from awreness.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:09am

  243. 243: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    “What is the feeling you get when Lone Plum answers the question with an answer you dont like and I or other sirens agree with her?”

    Cross and resistant and pouty…

    And like stomping off to sulk and finding arguements to prove that I am right.

    Deeper also nervous and swirly in stomach.

    Like ‘what if they are right?’.

    Feel annoyed against what works.

    Feel wrong.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:11am

  244. 244: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Omg. I just met my future husband or a man that has pretty much all the qualities I imagined in him.

    And, amazingly, I was the one who contacted him first. On pof.

    I haven’t contacted a strange man online in years.

    And then, he almost left judging me… And I said I felt misunderstood.

    And I spoke about marriage and dating to him for me.

    And he said, I’m right. And it changed his worldview.

    He said he had never been challenged before. He said I made him respect me. Where did I come from?

    I was shaking like a leaf. My body could barely contain the intensity.

    He gets me.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:14am

  245. 245: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I am going to choose traditional dates.

    Now this feels difficult as it means dealing with my feelings of lonliness and more my feelings of unsatisfied with going on what feels like ‘stiff, formal’ dates to me when all I really want is to be taken care of.

    I am just feeling so tired of having to be strong.

    Feel like crying.

    I have to be so strong with pub man and it feels so hard.

    Ok, I want to do what is good for Goddess Ella. I want to make this man work for me.

    How do I fix this?

    Can’t uninvite him.

    I guess I could just say I feel uncomfortable if he suggest coming over…

    And I can have that in the future. Just not yet.

    Oh sheesh what if he doesn’t call me now!!!! Feel panicky.

    Feel panicky too cus housemate is going away for a week next week and I don’t want to be alone in the house every night.

    Guess I can make some plans to hang out at parents etc..

    Ok so traditional dates for CD and then just let it flow… maybe he can hang out later.

    But is it too late to fix this?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:16am

  246. 246: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Thta sounds exciting Daria…a soul mate connection?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:16am

  247. 247: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum I am sorry for my strong reactions.

    Guess I got triggered.

    Maybe an emotional an fiery Siren at times.

    I do love you and your input.

    Still find it hard to stomach sometimes.

    xxx

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:18am

  248. 248: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria re 244

    Awww.

    Woohoo!

    I feel smily.

    xoxox

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:19am

  249. 249: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    This man is intelligent faithful strong self assured attractive.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:21am

  250. 250: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – rori says we want the man to come over. Just not u’s going to him.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:23am

  251. 251: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so overwhelmed right now.

    I am feeling unable to cope again… with work, and no money, and being alone in house.

    Want to take care of me and there is no time cus I need to earn money!

    :-(

    Just feels so hard.

    I want someone to take care of me.

    Why do I find life so tricky sometimes?

    How can I balance this.

    Gently, gently, love me.

    Just feel kinda panicky inside though.

    What if I f8ck it all up again.

    Feel pressure like what if I fail and let my mum down and fail like I think I did in London.

    Hmmmm :-(

    Feels like tension in forehead and panicky in stomach.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:23am

  252. 252: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella I hear that you are tired of being strong and just want someone to care for you.

    Ella in my experience of casual dates this is the main thing that casual men want to AVOID at all costs . Responsibility for your emotional well being , THATS what they run from . I have experienced this over and over.

    No strings attached means they dontv want to take care of you .

    If you want that care and nurture and to be cherished more than anything then definitely no casual hang outs with benefits.

    Its easy to mistake “company” and skin on skin for emotional care and bonding.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:24am

  253. 253: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria what do you think of what other Sirens are saying about lowering our value by doing this…

    And leaning forward by me giving this suggestion after he asked me out?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:25am

  254. 254: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I reminded myself to ask why did he show up for me?

    I felt extremely validated that this man who was about to walk away from me not only didn’t but had to change his entire worldview on courtship which he so strongly believed in.

    He just kept saying stuff like ‘wow’ after that.

    He said he always heard others say ‘she challenges ne’. But he’s never been challenged before.

    This was a deep man.

    He asked about me in an intent way after that like he plans to be my husband.

    He complimented my strength my intelligence my beauty.

    I said my feelings even though it felt scary.

    I’m going to sleep now.

    Love to all.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:31am

  255. 255: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori told me it was over functioning cooking a meal for a guy at my home after 3 dates out that he had asked me on !! That it was too soon .

    I disagreed at the time but now I dont . It all depends on the mans attitude and how keenly he has been pursuing and doing things for me .

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:33am

  256. 256: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    He said after we hang up he’s gona go right back to look at my pictures.

    He seemed like he had a spiritual revelation.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:33am

  257. 257: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Cooking a meal for him is different than accepting his visit.

    He can help cook, bring food, or order delivery.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:35am

  258. 258: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – I think I wouldn’t worry about my value as that’s determined not by outside stuff but by the value *I* put on myself by what I won’t tolerate.

    I think it’s ok to ask for company if I feel lonely, but I’d do it in a general way without expectation. Meaning ask lots of people in general, and not one guy I’m really into.

    I wouldn’t expect it to ‘count’ in building relationship… It’s only something for me.

    Kinda like having sex.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:38am

  259. 259: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I have found that CDing really has been free therapy for that lonely feeling . Since I have been CDing I no longer feel lonely when I am alone.

    My vibe has gone from sad and “lacking’ to something much more magnetic , going by the dates I keep getting asked on , gifts i am receiving and new guys on the horizon.

    I do feel much more “complete ” inside I love the free therapy!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:39am

  260. 260: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa,

    I am not cooking him a meal.

    He came and helped me deliver flyers the other day. That was date 1. He is pursuing quite keenly and wants to meet up and I get the sense he has been holding off cus he wants to get the money together to take me out properly, maybe I shouldn’t ruin this as it is quite sweet.

    He also really wanted to solve it when I said I felt lonely and and said he wanted to take care of me.

    Thats why invite to my house felt ok.

    On the other hand now thinking it is still a bit lean forward and don’t want to ruin his chivolrous side!

    Thinking maybe some traditional dates for a bit longer might serve better.

    xoxoxox

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:42am

  261. 261: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to be a cactus.

    Anyway, you can experiment and see how you feel… It’s all practice.

    I know for me it worked to alleviate the loneliness, but did not build the relationship or substitute for a man-proposed date.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:42am

  262. 262: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It only worked to allocate the loneliness in the moment though.

    Rori told me loneliness is just a feeling, we can sink into it and find ourselves expanding.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:44am

  263. 263: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, I relenquish control…

    I am just gonna see what happens.

    But I am interested to see the feelings of overwhelm and panic came up for me…

    I will sit with this later.

    Love to all Sirens.

    xoxox

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:45am

  264. 264: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I got 8 PAGES of pof messages within the few hours I was there today.

    I wonder if the volume of my myspace contacts dropped off the last couple of months so that I would discover POF.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:50am

  265. 265: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Good plan Ella.

    Rosa I feel bad… Sorry for contradicting you without addressing feelings.. Oops :(

    Thank you for your question about the guy… It felt good to read you asking about it!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:52am

  266. 266: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Just coming back to say I also have 2 dates lined up for tomorrow from pof tonite, one with an Asian guy one with a Jewish guy both men are handsome .

    There’s so much diversity on pof!

    And then theres a guy who likes Buddhist meditation and he called but I was already conversing w husbandguy

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:58am

  267. 267: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Why would you be a cactus?

    I think what has coome out of all this for me is that for me right now I have a lot of nervous, unable to cope feelings that need to be taken care of and loved.

    I can allow him to help me with this and what might feel better here and now is for me to feel these feelings, and take care of them myself, and then be open to his man suggestions.

    Thanks as always Sirens.

    Itneresting how overwhelmed inside I was feeling and how it took quite a process for me to get to that!

    I want to look after myself and feel good/magnatising.

    And I can also be magentising in my neediness too.

    xoxoxo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:00am

  268. 268: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 222 Kayla I would try to reframe the “confront” thinking by checking on my intention. It might not create the harmony you are seeking.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:56am

  269. 269: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ella I think it is great noticing those feelings of overwhelm and panic. I would review the post from Rori about anxiety to help with that.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:58am

  270. 270: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer I just read something that I sense might trigger you so I wanted to share something I heard Dr. Paul say. An indication of holes in a persons boundary is when they use the word “should”. It shows an intention of wanting to control. So he advises to look out for men who use it all the time. I know I do sometimes but it has opened up another level of awareness for me and I choose what I connect myself with. Some things resonate with me some don’t. If it doesn’t I don’t engage regardless of who it is coming from. I heard Rori in the interview this month saying experience matters. I got the sense she was referring to Susan Quinn’s experience with what she does. For me it brings a level of maturity that I like.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:10am

  271. 271: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, my friend. Thank you for your preemptive message ;)

    But you know me well enough here to know that I am going to do what I am going to do. Or maybe not….

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:30am

  272. 272: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    SIRENS NEED ADVICE…The man I am in love with but leaning way back, Well I used a feeling message and just said I miss hearing from him lately on phone. wELL i guess i leaned forward but this man knows how I feel about him and we text daily, a lot of times he intiates sometimes I just say hello. We may talk more but anywaYS WHEN I told him that I missed hearing from him he said well you should call me more often. I responed yes I could and he could call me as well. Well WHAT DO I DO >>>DO I CALL HIM???????? Please help I don’t know if I should call him or not. We are not together but there is connection and I believe he knows what I want in life regarding What I want in relationships. TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL!!!! HELP!!! suggestions pretty please???

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:48am

  273. 273: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Ella:

    “Ok, I see perfect sense in what older, prob wiser Sirens are saying… and I want to listen.”

    Who you callin’ “old,” honey???? ;) (OK, yeah, I’m old(er)!)

    Love to you, Ella. I know I come here to get tough love sometimes. It’s not all gonna be unicorns and rainbows and people saying, “You’re right, Boomer. Call that elusive man! He’ll come closer because of it!” Ha! Far from it. I know I’ve been told a thing or two since I’ve been here–and have allowed my feelings to be hurt. I went away to lick my wounds, then told myself to get over it. And it was a LonePlum message that set me off too. But she knows her stuff and is very wise. I get so much on this blog in the form of stern warnings and “I wouldn’t if I were you” advice. I now treasure that form of communication here. You Sirens have saved me from myself at least a dozen times.

    We are 100’s of different women with many different experiences, and we can all learn from one another’s differing styles, experiences, perspectives, and communication styles.

    I know I love and appreciate the diversity here. There is no wrong or right way, I hope, to express oneself here (abusive or hateful interactions notwithstanding). I don’t identify with every woman here or her style/perspective, but she has to be able to own it and get what she needs from this blog.

    This may also not be a popular stance, but my take is that just because I am feeling something or am triggered by what someone said here, it’s not required that I express it. I can FEEL it, but the time or forum may not be correct to EXPRESS it. I am finding increasingly that I can get past it on my own without the need to hurt someone else’s feelings with my need to express own. Even Rori advises asking men if “it’s a good time for them” to express ourselves. It’s not ALWAYS the time or place to share your every feeling.

    I am sorry if I have offended anyone on here with my style or perspective, but I can only say I have been sincere, honest, and open and the best version of Siren I know to be. I believe we’re all entitled to use this blog for how we need it, and that there are not “rules” for the type of expression each sincere Siren wishes to express. Some of us use it as a journal to riff/purge/explore, some of us come with very specific problems and pleas for advice, some of us work through our negative beliefs, some of us come to support others, and some of us…who don’t even post…come to just learn and absorb.

    It seems to me that there are as many valid reasons to be here and express oneself as there are women here.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:51am

  274. 274: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 272 AmazingMe I take it that your name is a description of how you think about yourself. The way you are with him will help him to think that way about you too. You are amazing let him do the leg work and the rowing. I read an email from Rori that suggests that sometimes guys say things that gets us confused and wanting to help them out when really they don’t. Calling him will register in his unconscious mind that you are pursuing. I would choose not to. He knows what to do or as Rori puts it, he will figure it out. Actions speak louder than words, I would look at that instead of his words.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:54am

  275. 275: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    AmazingMe, I WOULD NOT CALL THIS GUY, PERIOD!! He is a man who has not made up his mind about you because of your assess ability. Move slow!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:55am

  276. 276: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa 233:

    “Boy Scout man sounds like he wants someone to “heal” him of his depression and his financial woes.
    The text about it being too late and him too depressed sounded a bit like the sympathy gambit.”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thank you for shining a light on the situation with BoyScout, Rosa. I had not seen it that way–ever the nurturer, I wanted to make HIM feel better! (OK, I did roll my eyes a little at his passive-aggressive text, but I did not quite understand how it made it feel). I didn’t really feel it as a weak position from a man that is a red flag about his ability to care for ME.

    Wow.

    This is why I sometimes really put it out here–I feel very vulnerable sometimes opening up intimate details of my life online–but Rosa, this kind of feedback makes it so worth it! Thank you!!!!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:57am

  277. 277: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    AmazingMe…I am with FW (as usual-hee).

    I seems to me that he wants you to make it easy on him. I have a (former) CD who said a couple of times, “You could call me, ya know.” After I had expressed my feelings about “the girl” and how wonderful it feels to be called and how uncomfortable I a calling a man.

    He has not called. I feel grateful for his not calling, frankly.

    ***He showed me who he is and how he feels about ME.***

    Had I called him…sure, he might have called me next, or he might have asked to see me…only to disappear again if I didn’t call him again. In this case, he would have gotten me trained. And he would have had to do very little to keep me on a string. I don’t want to be trained.

    If this man calls again or you see him somewhere, deliver your desire to feel like the girl to him. You’ll see what he’s made of. If he steps up.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:02am

  278. 278: DENo Gravatar says:

    Ella & Daria:

    These days, I am experimenting as well and “push” my “fear” boundary when it comes to making request to men to keep me company or take care of lonely, sad feelings…

    Just recently, I had the same dilemma once again Ella :) I expressed feeling down and needing a hug…and A responded pronto…so, we met at his friends place who had a barbecue :)
    Yesterday, I felt a bit fearful…I like him…and being so used to “traditional dating”…I feel like I am not given that just yet…the “hang out” part feels like “weird”…and I admit, I am kinda of liking it…

    I believe each one of us has the right to define what feels right for us…”the vibe” is the key…staying open, vulnerable even and clearing/forgiving the self-judgements (which i think are the biggest issues in everything we do)…

    The issue I am experiencing though is that most men are used to us “being strong”…playing “cool” in the beginning of dating…and here they get the reverse…and I think they don’t know what to do with that…as a result, i noticed they rubberband a lot :(

    And this is my biggest dilemma…

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:04am

  279. 279: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    273:

    You said: “I can only say I have been sincere, honest, and open and the best version of Siren I know to be”

    Beautifully stated and I see you this way as well.

    ~Lilybelle.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:09am

  280. 280: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lil :)

    Mwah!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:12am

  281. 281: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Jeanette:

    I have not offered much in the way of advice or support or input for you because I just feel overwhelmed by what you must be going through–and it hits kinda close to home for me with unresolved feelings about my past caregiving of parents and a sometimes mentally incapacitated spouse.

    I just want to say that you seem very strong and that I admire you for wanting to be there for Steve but also acknowledging that you have needs and desires also.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:20am

  282. 282: DonutNo Gravatar says:

    Hi De thank you for replying my previous post… i am surprised you share the same situation as me.. i am not from US :) From UK. J left me in Feb for a fab job he couldn’t say No.! He was not happy to leave.. but i saw him recently .. he is happy wer he is and i feel stuck … :( lost after 8 yrs …

    Donut xx

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:26am

  283. 283: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I appreciate your words. I DO have needs and I want them met. My needs are more to do with wanting affection and yes some monetary support. I think Steve should email me early in the day and show interest like he used to however trite that sounds. Now he just emails whenever he gets around to it. But I have to remember that he is taking care of his brother at the moment. But it takes 5 minutes to shoot over an email. I wonder if he is up to something cuz about 10 days ago I wasn’t emailing him as much and he asked why. I told him it’s because I was trying to have time to do some personal things before leaving out the door for work. But, I still like his emails in the morning because it gives me something to look forward to a work. He has changed a little since Rick has gotten terminal. He’s backed away just a little. But the weather is real nice and he may have just taken Rick out for a ride somewhere. Where do you draw the line about things? You don’t want to be a nag but you want to say things sometimes. Like when we talked the other day sitting in his back yard. Before, he acted like he was going to move in with me eventually. Then just out of the blue he said while sitting there, “Maybe I’ll take over this house (Rick’s house) and assume his mortgage. He owes 80K on it and I can put 40K down. Then the payments will be low.” I said, “really? you want to stay here?” And he said (thinking for a moment), “oh I don’t know, I guess we could live at your house and rent this one out or something. ” It’s like he thinks about things without consulting me or something. Maybe he’s not sure of my feelings or something because he is so sick. Would anyone have any thoughts about this?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:41am

  284. 284: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting article I just saw on the Internet
    But there’s an important distinction to be made between dramatic personalities at work, Chism says. There’s the drama queen, who has a victim orientation, and the “queen bee,” the persecutor. Both manipulate or undermine others to get what they want. They may even be so temperamental that your colleagues walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, Chism says.

    But there are differences between the two.

    “The queen bee uses her knowledge and power to bend the rules and get her way. Instead of whining, she is more of a bully. Often she is very skilled, knows the office politics and has built strategic relationships so that she can overrule the one who is supposed to be in charge,” Chism says. “The employees know who the queen bee is because she usually is ‘in’ with someone in authority — if not her own boss, then someone of even higher rank.”

    But what many people don’t understand are the motives behind such potentially destructive behavior.

    “She wants recognition, power or attention. The drama queen has more clarity about what she wants. She is the one navigating the ship and that ship is pointed toward an island that is for her personal gain instead of toward and in alignment with the company mission and vision,” Chism says.

    http://msn.careerbuilder.com/Article/MSN-2563-Workplace-Issues-5-Ways-to-Deal-with-the-Workplace-Drama-Queen/?SiteId=cbmsnhp42563&sc_extcmp=JS_2563_home1&gt1=23000

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:45am

  285. 285: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 283 Jeannette can I invite you to look at this statement again to see if this is really what you mean or maybe invite you to elaborate what you mean before I tell you the impression I got reading it?

    ” It’s like he thinks about things without consulting me”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:08am

  286. 286: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette. Wow. I also have not expressed an opinion or shared what I’m thinking because I am seeing your situation as very unfair…to you!

    I know the insight you get here has a lot to do with “poor Steve,” but Steve is not the one coming here for support…you are! I wish to support you.

    I don’t know what the truly Siren-y thing to do here is. But…and this is just ME….if it were me, I think I might have a gentle conversation with Steve (after asking him if it’s a good time, as Rori suggests), and acknowledge that his illness and Bill’s have presented some game changers in your relationship. Oh, hell, Jeanette, I don’t know! Maybe you start with the feelings that you have about wanting to still feel loved, affection, and contact from him. Or maybe you go for the BIG issues that really are what you need to know: Are we still getting married??? Where are we going to live??? Are you counting on having me take care of you???

    And then how you feel abut all that.

    I am so conflicted here because of my own past–I very much got lost in my father’s illness and caring for him while having four small children and a difficult husband. So I just don’t know if what I’m saying to you is right for you…or if it’s just my old fears and triggers. This is why I’ve stayed silent.

    I don’t know that Rori ever advocates staying silent in an unsatisfying situation, which what I feel is some of the advice you’ve gotten here. But I am so “boy” in my energy, that I hope I am not directing you down a faulty path…

    But it seems so unfair to you that you have stayed committed to a man who is not able to be what you need…and who seems to be expecting an awful lot out of you.

    Ya know, when my own mother was very ill, I felt guilty for not being closer to her. For not wanting to really see her or talk to her. I “did” for her, because that was my obligation, but just because she was sick, did not make a tenuous relationship to begin with all close and warm. In fact, the stress of her illness made it less warm and communicative. I kind of feel the same thing here with you–that because he’s ill and has so much responsibility for Bill is creating stress in what already seems like a relationship with a man who was not overly communicative.

    Gosh, Jeannette. I really feel for you. Was any of this insightful or useful to you? I guess I want for you to figure out what you need here and find a way to get it.

    Urgh. I feel frustrated and wish I could articulate better for you.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:11am

  287. 287: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “TINQUE – What do I do about 201 and 202?”

    Kaitlyn – I can see and understand both of your thoughts and feelings about this, yours and Adam’s, and both of you have valid thoughts and feelings around this.

    I guarantee you he has long forgotten about this. It didn’t turn out as you wished, and dwelling on this won’t change this reality. It will continue to eat at you unnecessarily if you don’t let this go.

    It hurt. I get it. I had something similar happen to me one Valentine’s years ago, and it bothered me for a long while. If I summon up the memory, it can still cause a twinge.

    But I look at the situation back then, and I remember that he did the best he could in those moments. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was all he had in him.

    With Adam it’s the same. Bringing it back up with him as you did, and I don’t want you to do again, just keeps walls up between you. Please do what you can do move forward from this what really is in the grand scheme of things a minor thing.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:11am

  288. 288: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 286 Boomer, gosh that was a mouthful but I resonate with what you share there. I will focus on this though “. I “did” for her, because that was my obligation”. My sense is that Steve kinda sorta might be facing this related to Jeannette and sometimes wants it and at other times don’t. Regardless of the situation he is still a man with an ego and natural male tendencies. Having a woman who might be doing things out of obligation I imagine can’t feel good for him either though he might need it. I know I don’t feel good when I do things out of obligation, I eventually get resentful, even with the kids. My daughter sometimes react like don’t do it then and I allow her the space to feel free to express that. I am so understanding of how you feel about this situation and I too feel so much pain for Jeannette. It is not easy to sit by and feel your pain without engaging my boy energy.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:25am

  289. 289: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I just noticed something about myself. I said “I am not comfortable…..” rather than saying “I feel uncomfortable. It registered to me as 1. negative and 2. not saying what I am feeling in the moment.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:51am

  290. 290: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Urgh. I’m feeling pent up and frustrated in my life at the moment. No one BIG thing…just a sense that I am “off” right now. I am feeling jumpy and jittery and needy and like I want to kick something.

    Life is good. I am blessed. I am pretty grounded and content. My kids are awesome and healthy.

    But I’m also bored. I HATE bored.

    My job is boring.

    My social life is boring (my BFF got herself a boyfriend and I’m kind of on the fringes now.)

    Nice men BORE me.

    That’s not good. I want to get over that. OR…I need to accept that I kinda like an exciting guy–but understand what that could mean for stability.

    I feel proud that I gave a nice man a chance for my own learning. But he really did bore me. Whether he breaks up with me or not today (although the hand writing is on the wall…), I do not want to continue to see him. I hope there’s no production out of it…just a gentle and kind wishing each other luck and a wonderful life.

    But that’s not it. I feel like there’s something I’m not seeing. Something good and I’m just not ready. I’m just…ugh! Jumping out of my skin right now. Does my “boy” need something to do???

    That’s all. Thanks.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:59am

  291. 291: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I appreciate you not trying to fix me. It’s hard for do-ers like you and me, n’est-ce pas? It’s nice knowing you’re listening and that you get me.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:01am

  292. 292: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @238: Ella says:
    “I also feel nervous about losing my degree of difficulty by allowing casual hang out at my house…”

    I’ll catch up on posts… later but thought I’d say this now. Two words: 1) picnic … 2) delicatessen.

    “Let” your young man take you out for a picnic lunch. I love, love picnics!!! And the weather where I am is so delightful!! :) “Picnics” can be as casual or as posh as you please, as romantic or “first-meetingish” as you want. You can spend a little or a lot. Picnics solve a whole bunch of problems.

    No man has an excuse for not being able to afford dates; it just takes creativity and some imagination. You can cycle through a park, take a train to the beach, hike to the forest or walk to your nearest kiddy playground or park bench for that matter. (At least I can where I live…)

    I don’t cook much and even less in warm weather but point me to a deli or gourmet food shop and I can put together a picnic party in short time. (I do cool weather “picnics” too… ) LOL

    Ella, would this work for you? It’s so fun. I think it’s nicer and more festive (only IMHO) than “hanging out” at your house with a new young man. Maybe you could invite a few other couples also. But it’s fun for two. And I have “picnics” a couple times a week just with me. :lol: Take a few games and some music.

    xoxo
    SLV
    P.S. on my way to deli now…

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:03am

  293. 293: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday, I asked my husband if he would be willing to go to a nearby park and talk peacefully.

    He agreed and we both expressed how we have been feeling. I think he finally understands how I have been feeling for the past year.

    He told me about how he’s not sure he wants to be married. He has been questioning who he really is and trying to figure out what he wants in life.

    He IS willing to go to counseling though (at least once) with me. I really do hope we get a good counselor that he can feel comfortable talking to because I don’t feel like once will be enough to decide whether or not the relationship should end.

    Right now I feel both hopeful and helpless. This is not in my hands AT ALL. Uncertainty is the worst, but at least there’s the possibility thay things could get better.

    Sigh. I need some positivity in my life! I’m starting to feel SO unlike my happy carefree true self.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:04am

  294. 294: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you sirens for your help!!! It means a lot and yes he can row cause my arms are tired if he wants me he can step up. He can call me he knows my number too! I am amazing and dammit if he thinks I am amazing too he will call. If not thats ok too I am CDing SLOWLY!!!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:06am

  295. 295: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 293 I was thinking of you earlier Mel. That what you shared, to me is a start. Honesty. Maybe he did not understand the commitment or thought it through when he decided to get married. He is doing that now. If you both come out on the other side unscathed, whatever the outcome, I believe both of you will have grown into better persons. This seems like he has opened up a part of his heart that he might not have in the past. Has he shared any fantasies, as in his ideal life, what he wants to do in 5-10 years? You don’t have to answer. Just pointing out some things that might help to get him to share more of his heart now that you seem to be in a “settled” mode together looking at your lives together. Seems to me like a good time to practice listening at Level 2.

    Uncertainty happens when we letting go of control, I think. Not sure though if it is the worst. Rori put up a post some time ago about dancing and following the lead. I think it might help with this. Will see if I can find it for you.

    That self you are experiencing now might be the self or emotions you never paid attention to in the past. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:21am

  296. 296: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/let-him-take-the-lead-and-have-the-strength-to-follow/

    It might not be exactly related but I like how they explained around trusting while someone else takes the lead. It might not come out the way we want things to but the message for me is the strength that we show in demonstrating that we allow the other person to lead.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:40am

  297. 297: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I think for now, it’s best not to push him too much about what he wants for the future. If he decides to continue with counseling (beyond one session), I’m hoping that we can start to look at that together. But right now, I’m getting the sense that he just needs some time and space to figure some things out.

    For me, uncertainty is the worst because I don’t like the feeling of having no direction. If he wants to end the marriage, it will be horribly difficult, but at least I would know the things that I need to do- eg) look for a new job back home, settle my finances, start packing my things… If he wants to work on things, then we would set goals together and work on the things that need to be worked on.

    But right now I just feel like I’m in limbo. At the mercy of HIS decision. Like I’m powerless to do anything!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:43am

  298. 298: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks my sireney friends for your total honesty. The way I see it..correct me if I am wrong….is that I AM NOT obligated to take care of Steve. I mean, he is not my husband, he is not even the father of my children. SO, I would think he would feel real gratitude for me wanting to be care for him…I don’t mean to sound egotistical at all either!! I just have to be certain this is a path I want to go down…because once I do….I am locked in, at least for a time. I was doing some yard work awhile ago and I just feel my core self saying….take care of you Jeannette, you are the only one who can……

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:49am

  299. 299: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette I would urge you to listen to that inner knowing.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:51am

  300. 300: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 297 Mel your writing feels like you are at peace, at least to me. I understand though what you are saying and I can only imagine how scary it must feel.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 9:52am

  301. 301: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, wow. I have also stayed largely silent with you too because of…TRIGGERS!!!! from my own past experience with a husband who drifted away and utterly broke my heart (the first Mr. Boomer).

    All I can and will say is that I feel such deep sympathy for you and the pain you are in.

    ((((Hug))))

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:01am

  302. 302: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting, I just got off the phone with Rick, Steve’s brother. I was returning Steve’s call and Steve stepped out. Anyway, Rick was saying that no one helps him much (Rick). Well that’s not what Steve says. He said, “All’s Steve wants to do is sleep.” Well Steve has cancer and I know for a fact that he waits on Rick because I’ve seen him do it. Oh well, I just thought it is interesting that they run ea other down sometimes. I guess that is brothers for you!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:08am

  303. 303: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I am back after another round of travelling
    I feel so low
    so lonely
    and very very sad
    :(
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:08am

  304. 304: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the kind words Boomer and FW!

    I DO feel a little more at peace, if only that my brain can have a rest from trying to figure out what the problem is.

    Now I just feel sadness and loss, but a tiny twinge of hope that wasn’t there before.

    Rori wrote a few posts ago about whether it is better to know or to be blissfully ignorant.

    I would say that I am glad I know. In my experience, ignorance is not bliss. There is this deep knowing inside the body that something is not right and it slowly eats away at you. All the imaginings of what it COULD be end up being worse than the reality.

    My lesson for today (and for the near future) is to learn to be patient, have no expectations, and as Rori says “be surprised.”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:10am

  305. 305: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel afraid that my days are characterized by inactivity.
    I feel very very anxious that I have not done any phd work in months
    I feel scared and anxious
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:13am

  306. 306: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel afraid when i think about future
    I am sleepless for many days
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:15am

  307. 307: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I want to start working on my thesis.
    I want to start from somewhere
    But I am feeling unable to start
    I am feeling stuck
    I am resisting memories
    But feeling unable to get into my active energy mode
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:25am

  308. 308: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Some EMK words I just had to share

    “No one – not you, not me – dates someone to be reminded of how much we need to change. My wife has the uncanny ability to not tell me what a difficult and arrogant guy I can sometimes be…despite the fact that it’s true. For this, I am greatly appreciative, and do my best to keep my mouth shut about her flaws.

    This generosity of spirit is the crux of why men marry certain women and not others.”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:27am

  309. 309: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    It seems in the last almost one year i have invested lots of energy outside my career and research.
    that was needed,
    but now that need is over
    but I feel unable to take that energy back and put it into something else
    I feel inactive
    not sure if i am making sense
    I really need to start focusing on my phd and career
    but feeling stuck
    How do i get out of that!!!???
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:32am

  310. 310: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2832/relationships-attract-at-your-common-level-of-self-love.html

    When you learn to value yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, you are no longer attracted to someone who emotionally abandons themselves. You are drawn to people who also value themselves and want to share love rather than get love. So you will no longer end up with someone who blames, withdraws, judges or sees themself as a victim. You will just not find this person attractive, as they are not at your common level of emotional health.

    The Frequency of Attraction

    The Law of Attraction states that “Like attracts like.” This means that people with a low frequency – people who are insecure and self-abandoning – attract each other, while people with a high frequency – people who love and value themselves – also attract each other. People who are positive, open, secure, giving, caring and kind to themselves and others are not attracted to people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention.

    While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:32am

  311. 311: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Help! Mike2 got laid off a few months ago, at the same time he was recovering from an illness. Before we met, he filled me in on everything, wanting to put it all out there. I do feel concerned that he isn’t working, but he is looking for a job, as well as has enrolled in school to start in a few weeks. He’s a draftsman by trade, but going back to school for computers.
    Anyways, I know it’s very stressful on him that he isn’t working, it’s affecting his self esteem. He texts me everytime he has a phone interview or screening, a headhunter calls, etc.

    I always say that is great, good luck, etc. But I feel like I should lean forward and say something to reassure him that I know he’s looking, willing to take anything right now just to get back on his feet…. without further injuring his pride. I don’t want him to worry that I’m judging him for being laid off, he’s had a tough year, and it can happen to anyone. Help sirens! I don’t know if I should say something to try and reassure him, or lean back.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 10:56am

  312. 312: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 311 I feel it is okay to appreciate his efforts in response to one of the texts.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:07am

  313. 313: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, yeah, I think it’s warm and open to express encouragement and some reassurance. Can you do it FMs???

    – I feel confident that something will turn up soon for you. (If you do feel that way).

    – I feel really comfortable with where you, are and I am not feeling judgmental about your situation at all.

    – I feel understanding about your life the last year.

    I dunno–too much??

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:13am

  314. 314: PennyNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I absolutely found your “why is he so comfortable\complacent\unchanging with me as a friend now, instead of lover?” blog about three days ago, INVALUABLE.

    It gave me such insight into what happened in a relationship I was in last year. A bit late now to rescue that particular relationship (which is just fine as I’ve moved on), but I want to send it to a friend because she is in this exact situation.

    Enough of that…can you please RESEND it to me? I can’t find it anywhere….

    Your stuff is enlightening and so very, very helpful.
    Penny

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:15am

  315. 315: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Penny:

    Try looking in this category:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/from-lovers-to-friends-and-back-again/

    Rori categorizes her posts by topic, which you can see if you scroll up and look right…this is in the category “From Lovers to Friends and Back Again.” The post you refer to may be in that category :)

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:22am

  316. 316: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: Thank you (: I will definately stick around.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:23am

  317. 317: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman: What do you mean?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:24am

  318. 318: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Last night I was with this guy, we will call him “pickup guy” we had a great time together just going on a walk, today he wants to go swimming (: I really want to connect with him, any advice on how to do that?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:26am

  319. 319: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh how cute! Evan realizes he’s arrogant… Aww I feel smily and soft

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:28am

  320. 320: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    Bwahahahaha!

    Indeed. That reminds me…I miss Mercedes.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:31am

  321. 321: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Jannette yes! You sound like this clarity feels empowering

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:31am

  322. 322: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey DE – I love what you mentioned about healing our self judgements. I super concur.

    Here’s a challenge… Hopefully helpful:

    “The issue I am experiencing though is that most men are used to us “being strong”…playing “cool” in the beginning of dating…and here they get the reverse…and I think they don’t know what to do with that…as a result, i noticed they rubberband a lot”

    Can you drop under this thinking and work backwards to find the feelings and the triggers for them? That way it can be about you and we can get this dilemma healed!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:44am

  323. 323: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    322…Daria. Oh, darn-it! You are on to something here for DE, and it’s just out of my grasp too and I want you to just say it so I can not work so hard to understand it!

    DE, work through this so I can understand! LOL.

    Daria, can you explain to remedial little old me how one “works backward and finds the feelings?”

    I struggle with this and am just…clueless abut where to begin. Because I too find men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:51am

  324. 324: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Yes, and I’ve said those things in response to his texts or in conversations. I can just tell that he’s not feeling secure, and wondered if I should try and say something reassuring, not only that he’ll get a job, but that I do believe in him, and it’s not scaring me away…. along those lines as well?

    Ella, I had a similar situation happen with Mike2. He doesn’t have a lot of money right now, but wanted to see me all weekend. Thurs. we met for dinner, Fri. I was out with friends and he met up with us and came over afterwards for awhile. Saturday he wanted to see me, but I was sick and decided we didn’t need to see each other 3 nights in a row. He invited me to meet his parents, but I said it was too soon. Sunday he texted that he wanted to see me… and while I could have suggested we go out to eat or something, I still didn’t feel great, so I rented a couple movies and told him he could come over. He has done all the driving and lives over a half hour away. He’s paid for breakfast, dinner, drinks and even bought my friends a round when he met us out. BUT, I am a single mom with full custody of my kids. MOST of what I’ll be doing if I’m in a relationship with a guy, will be staying home, or doing things with my kids too….. (when it gets to that point of course) So, I feel perfectly comfortable spending time with him at my house. I don’t like to be on the go all the time, and I want a man who can mesh into my life. I think it’s fine to invite him over. Our value isn’t defined by how much money a man spends on us, it’s also his time, energy, but mostly on how we feel about ourselves.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:52am

  325. 325: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Mel, I remember my therapist telling me that I was in the driver’s seat, and feeling exactly like you do. How could that be true? He was the one who wanted out, I couldn’t force him to choose me? What I think she meant was that I had choices to make too… and they didn’t have to all be based on him. What did I really want? Was I choosing to stay? If so, were there boundaries, needs?

    I would sincerely hope your husband would give it more than one session. I don’t know what state you are in, but in PA, you can’t force a divorce through in less than 2 years, so, even once the papers are filed, if you aren’t ready to sign them, don’t. Take some time. People do reconnect after separations. Maybe he needs to see what he’ll be losing. Huge bear hugs to you!!!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:55am

  326. 326: TrinityNo Gravatar says:

    What do you mean by “feeling messages?” This is so true about feeling like you are a broken record – do they hear you at all and pretend not to?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:56am

  327. 327: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Kayla…have you gotten a good sense of what Feeling Messages (FMs) are? I’m not sure how long you’ve been here and what you may know.

    Try talking to PickUp guy in FMs. But honest, real FMs that really are about how you’re feeling:

    For example:

    “It feels so good to see you again today!”

    “I’m feeling a little hungry.”

    “Wow. I feel cold…”

    That sort of messaging will help you feel in your feminine energy and may invite him to step up and…acknowledge your happiness to see him…or to get you a pretzel from the concession stand…or to offer you his extra towel so you warm up.

    Now, the GOAL is not to GET HIM to do these things, but just to be able to express how you FEEL in the moment and to be delighted and surprised if he steps up with caring responses.

    Does that sound like a good start, Sirens? Anyone have other helpful “Sirenhood 101″ thoughts for Kayla???

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:58am

  328. 328: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Daria I feel super duper excited for you!!! I’m SO glad to hear you are on POF…. and think a huge summer romance is in store for you! You’ve done so much self work, healing, etc. now will be great to see how it applies while you are dating. Very eager to hear about your dates with new men! :)

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:59am

  329. 329: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I posted last night that Mike2 hadn’t called/texted during the evening, and that felt a little bad. Not because it had only been half a day, but just because I felt like I’d lowered my walls a bit, was more emotional… and he stepped back.

    He texted me a lot this morning and we talked at lunch. He asked when he could see me, I asked when he wanted to, and he said hopefully today. :) HE calls me sweetheart, sweetie, babydoll… tells me how beautiful I am. WOW, I said I wanted a guy who would speak my love language, and words of affirmation is a big one for me!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:02pm

  330. 330: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, that was really thoughtful input you gave Mel…I would feel good hearing from someone who’d “been through it,” that I too had some say-so over the situation–not just him.

    Mel, it can be about you too and what you want!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:02pm

  331. 331: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    subscribing

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:02pm

  332. 332: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    sorry forget to check the subscribing box

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:03pm

  333. 333: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Trinity:

    From Rori’s Glossary of Terms:

    Feeling Messages:
    My essential Tool for speaking with a man so he can really hear you – in the format “I feel…” or “I’m feeling…” or “It felt…” or “It feels…” or “It would feel…” Feeling Messages automatically, in baby-steps, help you be more authentic, vulnerable, open, and in touch with and more comfortable with yourself. (Beginning exercises and explanation are in my Have The Relationship You Want ebook.)

    Yes, using FMs can be challenging at first–it’s taken me months, and my “sounds natural” repertoire is still limited–but it’s worth it to see how men respond when you speak in them.

    Yes, some men do respond with a desire to hear you and provide what you may need. And some men do scoff and laugh and act put off.

    My take on it is that “a scoffer” is not a man I want in my life–what an excellent filter right off the bat to tell if a man is going to respond to my feminine energy with masculine energy!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:10pm

  334. 334: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Turquoise!

    It doesn’t FEEL like I’m in the driver’s seat, but I know that I have choices too. I guess right now I’m choosing to “see what happens.”

    I hope he will go to therapy more than once too. I think he just doesn’t know what to expect, and generally hates talking about his emotions, so he thinks it will be excruciating.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:30pm

  335. 335: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer: Thanks (: You give such good advice. If anyone else has some advice please let me know.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:41pm

  336. 336: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    333:

    “Scoffers” quickly bounce off my horse.

    :-)

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:41pm

  337. 337: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla,

    FM’s take practice and really, for me, is a new way of being. I practice paying attention to how I am feeling at any given time and rather than just answer a question or spew out some garbage, I pause to be sure that what I am saying is authentic and really how I feel.

    It takes work and focus. The Sirens are here so if you ever run into a situation and you are not sure if what you want to say is where you want it to be and think you need some tweaking, come here and you will be sure to receive some assistance.

    ~Lilybelle.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 12:47pm

  338. 338: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I guess I was in wrong thread… :)

    344: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @148: Lilybelle says:
    “He’s ten years older than I. Perhaps I feel concerned that he will be all ‘old’ acting and feeling.”

    You won’t know until you meet with him a time or two. He might not be suited to you or maybe it will be like Hadassah and her guy. He’s a bit older; I encouraged her to give him a chance…now they are getting married…

    … or you can always say “next” (perhaps just in your head) if it doesn’t work out. Men usually like younger women, so maybe he will be good practice or even become a friend if things don’t go forward in the romance area.

    How old are you? I know, cheeky of me to ask… but I read your post and wondered who would be in your “peer party.” So tell me please so I can do one for you.

    Re: my soulmate rings… My ring count is still rising; I bought another one last night: 28 — would have been 29 but I gave a little faux aquamarine birthstone to my granddaughter)

    I’d thought about tying the rings onto yarn or a cord as a window hanging but now that I’m collected them I enjoy looking at them this way. They are lined up in a decorated tin with the clear bubble tops showing. It looks like a mini modern art installalation.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:58am

    345: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @Jilly and @Boomer

    I missed you too! I’m reading some posts… I don’t know if I’m on right thread or if you’ll see this.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:00am

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 1:58pm

  339. 339: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, I do hope you’ll stick around. I know this blog has up and down times for some of us here…but I miss your mature voice, your tales of “Sweetie,” and your whimsy.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:04pm

  340. 340: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    347: Lilybelle says:
    344:

    SLV~ I am 47 so please, have me a peer party!

    Would you also set a date for me? For something wonderful on the calendar?

    I am seeing OlderDude on Thursday night. His sense of humor is fabulous, he enjoys my “vibe”, and like you said, I can always say “next” if necessary.

    Thank you for the encouragement, I am so happy to see you. Your soulmate ring “art” sounds beautiful and is a wonderful idea.

    Hugs~

    Lilybelle.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:13pm

  341. 341: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @339: Boomer says:
    “SLV, I do hope you’ll stick around. I know this blog has up and down times for some of us here…but I miss your mature voice, your tales of “Sweetie,” and your whimsy.”

    Thanks, Boomer, You’re a sweetie too. I have “spring fever” and I sensed maybe you do also. I’m not bored but I’m procrastinating with some goal work, the chore parts… :lol: I bet you’re not totally bored either… maybe bored with being in the office when there’s sun outside?

    xoxo
    SLV
    P.S. Where’s Mercedes? You mentioned her.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:13pm

  342. 342: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    SLV…thanks for being you.

    I am bored. Definitely. And not just with work today…I feel “trapped” by responsibility more and more often. The “real me” is a pretty free-wheeling, New Age, hippie kinda soul, and all this corporate stuff and mother stuff and grown-up stuff gets me down sometimes. I even find myself engaging in self-sabotage at work, like I want to get found out and get let go so I can abdicate any responsibility. Immature and indirect and inexcusable, I know. I sometimes feel I work to support a life I don’t even want. But those darn kids want food and clothing and medical care…and I’m the only parent really providing any of that. It feels like wearing golden handcuffs much of the time now.

    I have been exploring alternative ways of designing my life, and I keep coming back to I CAN’T because of my RESPONSIBILITIES. But I know it’s just fear. I do feel some hope sometimes, however: my children are getting older and require and want less of “Mommy” (a bittersweet realization, actually), my life has smoothed out with significantly reduced stress with the ex-Mr. Boomers, and I am making baby steps toward things I want just for me (cooking classes, wine classes, learning Italian, working out).

    I am getting braver about maybe approaching The Powers That Be at my job and asking for an alternative work arrangement. It’s a very traditional setting, however, and I feel great fear that a) they will say “No!” and b) it will tip them off to my dissatisfaction and c) that they will watch me more closely (right now I enjoy relative autonomy, but also very little support/guidance) and start controlling me in ways I don’t have to deal with right now.

    And so I am stalled, going “Oh, well, another day at the salt mines…be happy you have a job!” and I make nothing change for myself…and I continue to feel bored.

    Urgh. Sorry to unload on you on your first foray back among us!

    Tell me about your soul mate rings–they sound lovely–but what was the point of them again? I missed that previously…

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:31pm

  343. 343: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Lillybelle. I appreciate it very much! (:

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:33pm

  344. 344: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – Mercedes made an exit some time ago. I was not following a lot then, but there was some discussion with EMK on CDing that made for some heated exchanges. Not sure if that was it. But I miss having her sassy, clear voice on here.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 2:34pm

  345. 345: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    WOW! What a quote! below

    I’m joining this “I love to imagine them trying to tame me thought” club!

    I have been feeling that lately: “Over here, yes, me, with my hand raised, can I get a man who knows what to do with me, please?” I know I’m giving the right cues (much of the time, anyway) Sometimes I feel like Brendan Frasier in the movie “Bedazzled”.
    It reminds of LOA. You wish, you intend, for something and you get it, but it comes with other things you weren’t quite so prepared for!! Like, no thank you, I love your look, we have lots of stuff in common, but no, I’d would rather not abide a predominantly feminine energy man for my life partner. Control me, tame me, but you must be a benevolent ruler. Trying to appeal to insecurities won’t work. You’ll have to look elsewhere for that. :-)

    Cool to have SLV back!!

    xoxo

    229: RiverGirl says:

    @335 on the previous thread
    Rosa says:
    “I just love this thought ..I am re-running it
    I love to imagine them trying to tame me .”

    Rosa, I love that thought too and it reminded me of one of my favourite quotes from “The Little Prince”

    “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:03pm

  346. 346: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    336: Lilybelle says:

    333:

    “Scoffers” quickly bounce off my horse.

    :-)

    YES! That is a GREAT word.

    and

    “I feel scoffed because my need for empathy and to have my opinions (thoughts, beliefs, etc) respected is not being met. How can we get both our needs met here?”

    Maybe people scoff when they can’t find a better way to disrespectfully disagree with another opinion.

    xoxo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:10pm

  347. 347: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    oops. i mean “respectfully disagree”

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:20pm

  348. 348: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth…color me confused. Who’s scoffing?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:25pm

  349. 349: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Boomer,

    Ah, I don’t want to confuse anyone…so I feel glad that you asked. I sometimes riff off of things into other things that were triggered for me, that may have nothing to do with the original convo.

    I thought you and a few other sirens were talking about being scoffed at by men?

    That word jumped out at me, because there is a man who I have been avoiding because he “scoffs” at me too often, and also says things to me about me with contempt in his voice. I couldn’t think of a good word to describe it other than contemptuous. I don’t care if he is kidding or has a dark sense of humor. I don’t like it.It feels like he is trying to “tame me” in a non-benevolent way.

    That’s all. Does that clear it up? If not, I’ll be happy to try to be more clear.

    :-)

    xoxo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:35pm

  350. 350: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    I was confused too. Now it makes sense.

    I don’t like how that man feels. If he was in my life, he wouldn’t be. I can understand being hella triggered by that “contemptuous” behavior. Not acceptable.

    :-)

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 3:46pm

  351. 351: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    SLV!!!! Hey you. SO glad to see you again.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:17pm

  352. 352: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    351:

    Where’s the “like” button?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 4:23pm

  353. 353: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, I was asked a question and I answered it. Its that simple. I feel very sad for you. your problems must be so big that you feel the need to fix everyone elses. It would feel good to hear what you feel instead of a rehearsed quote. Fixing is masculine and not feminine at all . Thats what triggers me , i dont feel you are being authentic. You speak more of what you think and have heard and it feels disconnected. My boundaries are quite intact . Ive done alot for myself to get to where i am , a very happy selffullfilled goddess! I hope you can take this for what it is. a siren trying to understand another!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:13pm

  354. 354: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Venus,

    That does not feel good to read. What you have written doesn’t feel very happy or goddesslike at all. It reads as down right rude.

    You are out of line.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:22pm

  355. 355: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    In addition, FW has been nothing short of kind and supportive to all. I find her to be reflective, concerned, open and I find your post to her, quite offensive and not at all in the manner in which we speak to one another.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:26pm

  356. 356: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @ 308

    Thanks for sharing FW. I have to admit I had a wee chuckle reading that admission.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:34pm

  357. 357: DENo Gravatar says:

    Daria #322

    Daria Darling, u opened the Pandora’s box once again…:)
    I honestly, felt afraid to go “there” and get out my feelings and triggers…:(

    So, here is my riffing answer:

    Hmm…behind the thinking of “being strong” and “being cool”…there are strong feelings indeed:

    I feel darn angry at the thought that being fake, reaching out to men, and pretending to be “cool” and “happy” gives me quicker and better results e.g., getting dates, showing interest, etc…even if it’s short term anyway

    I feel hell angry and that feels like chest pains that the world I leave in promotes these behaviors as “normal” and “fair”…

    I feel heck scared, powerless, and tearful…and that feels like shortness of breath and tightness in my chest…that my efforts are worthless to even imagine that by healing myself I can heal the world…

    I feel heck angry at women as in I want to beat the crap out of them – who refuse to join me in these efforts and continue to overfunction as means to manipulate and control, blame, gossip, act as “poor me” attitude, or martyrs, they deserve everything without doing the work on themselves and owning their emotions, , they continue to own false beliefs that men are jerks, losers, they need to be taught lessons as if they are toddlers, etc…when in fact, they either raised them or promoted bad behavior due to lack of emotional boundaries…

    I feel terrified and that feels like nuts and bolts in my tummy imagining my son might end up with a woman raised by emotional vampires…

    I feel heck angry and that feels like heavy breathing and stiff shoulders – having to deal with messed up men raised or involved with these women…

    Phew…now, I feel better…

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 5:55pm

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 355 Thank you Lilybelle, I really appreciate you.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:39pm

  359. 359: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    358:

    I heart you, FW.

    <3

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:41pm

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 356 You are welcome my dear. I almost fell off my chair when I read that.

    RE 319 I was surprised to see he wrote that.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:42pm

  361. 361: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW – I love when you post things from other coaches. I would have never heard about them otherwise and I have learned tons! Thank you!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:44pm

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 361 You are most welcome. I have come to realize the world is a big place with lots of different people with opinions and experiences. I try to connect with what I sense as valuable to me and I believe caring is sharing.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:51pm

  363. 363: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 344 Yeah Boomer, it was tough at times to read Mercedes comments but I truly miss her. I hope she comes back. She feels like family to me. Now I feel sad.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 6:53pm

  364. 364: DENo Gravatar says:

    FW:

    I heart u and appreciate u as well :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:01pm

  365. 365: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Heyy I need a pickmeup. . I’m feeling pretty down right now, I keep thinking about “pickup guy” and I have been all day, but I keep hearing little voices in my head that say he is going to lose interest in me. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about being in a relationship with him at the moment because we just started seeing eachother, but I can’t help it, and I can’t really get those voices in my head to go away. Any advice??

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:02pm

  366. 366: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I love you DE

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:13pm

  367. 367: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla do you mind sharing how you are feeling about yourself?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:15pm

  368. 368: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I don’t know. I’m feeling like everytime I meet a great guy, I do something to push them away, and I can’t figure out what it is. I have never been the type of girl that was able to last in a relationship. I used to be the type of girl that would push men away by chasing them and begging and pleading, I’m not that girl anymore, I don’t chase, and I definately don’t beg or plead or try to “convince” any man to love me, I think what I’m lacking is the skills to communicate, I’m trying to fix that. And I guess since every single guy I have been with has withdrew from me in a very short amount of time I’m feeling like this guy will too.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:20pm

  369. 369: Island GirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW I really appreciate your contributions to this blog and admire the way you carry yourself. ((hug))

    Boomer – ditto ;-)

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:23pm

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Okay it sounds like you need to shift your vibe, change your beliefs about yourself and what you can create and to get clear on what you are feeling so you can express yourself in feeling messages. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:24pm

  371. 371: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 369 Thank you my sister.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:28pm

  372. 372: Island GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kayla
    I found Rori’s blog from Monday last week really helpful regarding this. Have you read it?
    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/what-weve-learned-in-group-coaching-class-6-things-that-are-holding-you-back-from-love/#more-2729

    Especially:
    Deciding your “Biography” is your “Destiny”

    Just because it happened to you, just because you “did” that – no matter how many times – doesn’t mean it has to happen or you have to do that again. You get a fresh start every moment.

    What do you think?

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:29pm

  373. 373: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    I think I agree completely. Thank you, you’re advice is very helpful. I’m trying to tell myself that I am good enough for any man and it’s kind of working, but there is still that little doubt in the back of my mind.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:31pm

  374. 374: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla I also believe this is a great category we are currently on. It is about communication. I would review the older posts, there is a lot here to learn if you read around the blog. The link below has some great pointers.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/change-your-words-and-change-your-love-life/

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:32pm

  375. 375: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla also click on Tinque’s name to get to her blog. She is queen of “I am enough”.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:33pm

  376. 376: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque’s words

    Here is something I really, really want you to consider deeply. If you’ve been attracting seemingly the wrong men time after time even though each one appears to very different from the last bad relationship and even more different from your father and/or mother, why does it never seem to work out. Even that “perfect” man said something, did something that was just unacceptable.

    One part of this is that you may be attracted to the same kind of man repeatedly, the true import of which is only revealed after some time because he SEEMS SO unlike the last “loser”.

    Most annoyingly, something inside of you recognizes that something familiar and even if this familiar feels horrible, it’s still familiar and there is great comfort in the familiar, the known, a sense of safety even if it’s unsafe. And this is because you’ve been down this road before, or one very much like it, so in an odd way, it feels like coming home. So here you are again, heartbroken, maybe angry, at him, yourself…

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:36pm

  377. 377: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks (: If you have ANY more advice please do speak up.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:40pm

  378. 378: DENo Gravatar says:

    So, just about on hour ago…I signed back up on Match…but this time, only one month…last time, I felt overwhelmed and really not in the mood…

    Weird, till yesterday I really resisted to the idea of going back online…but Daria, u are so right…I need me a different “preoccupation”…lol than getting a bit too “fixated” on A…

    Sure enough, I got me a date…for tomorrow nite…but here are my NVs coming back at me in the speed of light…arghhh:

    “what’s that? a cup of fricking coffee??? he must not think i am worth it…:(
    oh, and his tone seemed arrogant…direct questions as in “inquisition” and “dry”…arghhhh…
    i felt turned off…he talked to me while driving…i didn’t like that…”

    can i flip this?

    “okay, he called u right the way…he wants to meet u ASAP…he is obviously interested…he seems “manly”…oh, he loves to dance and said he always wanted to learn ballroom dancing…yay!!! bonus, bonus points…he loves kids…his voice soften towards the end…it seemed more relaxed…i felt more relaxed…”

    I have one more that shared his number with me…but I responded with my number…i will wait for him to call…

    i want to work on my profile though…that is why i hesitated to get online just yet…:( i don’t think it really represents me no more…

    that’s my next thing to do…

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:52pm

  379. 379: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth: 349

    Ick.That would feel decidedly awful for a man to poo-poo me like that. Oh wait, my ex husband often did! I quickly realized that I was neither stupid nor a rhymes-with-witch, so it lost it’s power. But it seems so low when someone resorts to name calling and scoffing. Big Ick! Hope you don’t have to deal with him often.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 7:57pm

  380. 380: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    Woooooooow.

    Venus, seriously?

    Ugly, ugly words. I gather “Venus” is a new name for someone we knew under a previous screen name here incognito. It feels terrible having potshots lobbed from a safe vantage point. You bring significant prior knowledge with you under the guise of “I’m new.”

    I feel….incredulous. Awful. Indignant on FW’s behalf. I do not defend FW just because I like and respect her and because she’s been really thoughtful and kind to me–I’d defend anyone here if someone directed the words we all saw here at ANYONE on this blog.

    FW does so much to help so many here. Who else welcomes the new women like she does? Who else takes the time to answer almost everyone here so they don’t feel ignored or passed over? OK, so even I bristled a little early on with her, but I quickly realized that her heart is in the right place and her effort is unsurpassed on this blog.

    What do the rest of us offer?

    I might get voted off the island or shunned for standing up for FW and by extension every other person on here who fears saying something their way for fear of being shut down, but right is right.

    It was worth it.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:26pm

  381. 381: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    DE – yay you! Have fun expressing yourself in your profile. I know I feel so vulnerable with a profile online stating “the real me,” (rather than the usual non-sequiters…”I like to have fun!” and “I’m a laid-back girl!), but it’s so worth it when “step up” men respond. to “me.”

    Keep us posted on your adventures!

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:30pm

  382. 382: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    Island Girl:

    Love love love this:

    “Just because it happened to you, just because you ‘did’ that – no matter how many times – doesn’t mean it has to happen or you have to do that again. You get a fresh start every moment.”

    I keep invoking it every time worry I’ve messed up!

    Thanks for your warmth earlier too.

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 8:32pm

  383. 383: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, Thank you for your powerful voice…and for the “fresh start” – I realized every time I reply – I end up taking it away and jumping off into a post, so it doesn’t seem I’m here as much as I am…and so thank you so much for taking such amazing care of and for each other! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:27pm

  384. 384: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    DE – keep doing what you’re doing – and online dating is just a bigger pool of men you don’t know – and so you aren’t “picking” them with the old bad habits and patterns you used to pick men from…it’s extremely helpful to just have them show up so you can practice responding….I’d love to help with profiles – perhaps you can post them as comments and we can tweak them for you? Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:29pm

  385. 385: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Thank you for your help steering newbies – Daria wrote to say she missed me welcoming all the newbies to get them started – and I agree, miss it too, but 10 or more women were ending up in moderation every day before I could get them out…so I decided to let everyone through, and I am so grateful to all of you for discovering those who are new and welcoming them so amazingly. Kayla…I’m totally with FW – I love Tinque, and she’s your girl for “I am enough” and anything sexual, sensual, body related and so much more..and I’ll try to find your other comments so I can know you…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:34pm

  386. 386: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Island girl, for the direction to that post…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:35pm

  387. 387: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kayla – and all – there are always “midpoints.” I call it being “In Transit” – where you’re between the monkey bars, in that space between what you can hold onto now and what’s next to hold onto. It’s the place where you have to let go of what you’re holding onto now and sort of free-fly for a bit…and it might feel chaotic and topsy-turvy. If that’s happening – you know you’re in the right place! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:37pm

  388. 388: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl – great…I’m going to put together a list of coaches and practitioners I love and recommend with links to them: Jonathon Aslay, Orna and Matthew Walters, Tinque, Virginia Feingold Clark, Allana Pratt, Shana James…so many more… Each has their specialty and track record…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:39pm

  389. 389: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    wow – great, DE….now love and embrace all the feelings and voices and …. I know the hardest part is the “worry” – I’ll talk more about future-thinking, seems like it would be helpful…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:41pm

  390. 390: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Whoa, Venus and FW – I’m reading backwards here (it’s the way I see it in the back door of the blog) – I’ll try to see what started this…and Venus…for here…just checking in with you to see what this huge “charge” is that you have on FW – I can help you and this conversation with some tweaks to the Feeling Messages – when you say “I feel THAT…” it’s no longer a feeling message. It’s an opinion. If you can stick to the guidelines, and stay away from that’s and because’s – it’ll be much more helpful, and faster. (Venus, I just say your comment first – I’ll go backwards now…) Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:44pm

  391. 391: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    oooo…Elizabeth…I’d love to tackle this “scoffing” thing….Sounds like a man I once knew and loved. I didn’t have the skills to disarm him then…but I believe I do now, and that you do, too….forget trying to figure out what he’s doing or why (it’s usually all about them and how they feel about themselves) – and instead, zero in on how you feel and write out how to communicate that…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:48pm

  392. 392: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I miss Mercedes, too – perhaps she’ll pop up one day! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:50pm

  393. 393: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV! – I feel like I’m in the warm embrace of a goddess circle here…and it just keeps expanding and getting warmer…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:51pm

  394. 394: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Trinity, hi! You must be new, so welcome…everyone will help you with Feeling Messages…they are at the core of the Tools, and they work deep…it’s a “practice…” …Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 1 June 2011 @ 11:53pm

  395. 395: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – how to work backwards :

    “I struggle with this and am just…clueless abut where to begin. Because I too find men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.”

    Before the judgement : ‘men just don’t know what to do with a woman who honestly speaks her truth in feeling messages.’. There is a feeling and a trigger

    Your mind then covers up and dissacosciayes by turning it’s attention from You, and the feelings, outside, to men, and makes it about them.

    When you notice yourself making the judgement, try to imagine the object or trigger just turns into a nondescript grayish blob. Now there’s nothing to ‘think’ about it.

    Instead how do you feel? What are the feelings that gouged having in lieu of – underneath – the judgement. Notice them and embrace them and love them copiously with all tools.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:08am

  396. 396: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I kind of feel jealous of fw because before she got here I was the one who greeted newbies and clarified what Rori teaches.

    I felt important doing that and then it also felt overwhelming so I yielded to her doing it and stopped myself.

    I feel uncomfortable looking at my feelings in this.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:14am

  397. 397: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My pof profile I made yesterday:

    Headline: angelfish; I shine so bright

    Description:
    I feel safe and comfortable with men who are in charge, romantic and masculine.

    It would feel cool to meet men in person (ones I don’t feel scared of)… I don’t like messaging online too long or even too much talking on the phone.

    I feel nervous writing this! I wonder who will show up for me?

    I’m open to all kinds of men, I often feel attracted to streetwise and powerful men… and I feel curious to experiment with all types. I don’t want to limit myself in non-essential ways.

    oh except I don’t feel open to men who are into the military and law enforcement. I feel passionately about my desires for – no prisons, no wars – and I don’t want to feel constantly triggered by energy and worldviews that don’t support my dreams

    Sometimes I feel high maintenance: I like a man who is secure in himself and can pursue me. I don’t want to call men, or travel to dates, or pay on dates… – I feel totally cool with a free date in the park as much as an extravagant wine and dine … I don’t even believe in money *freespirited wild woman*

    I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. I want to meet many men and date and practice relating on a deep level… so that I can grow and meet my HUSBAND. I want to be married and have a family and fulfilling lifelong relationship.

    First date :

    I would like to meet u nearby and get a chance to talk. The park by my house would feel cool, (it feels fun to smoke weed there when i feel like it) or there are little restaurants nearby – I love eating out, especially sushi… yum.

    Once I get to know you this first time and I can feel safe, I feel down to go with you out dancing – nightlife stuff feels super exhilarating – or to relax at your house (unless I feel intimidated) or out to wherever you decide to show me.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:27am

  398. 398: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    I feel slapped in the face
    Idont want to feel unheard
    I feel sad for evil people
    I feel unloved
    I feel unappreciated
    I feel overwhelmed
    I feel backstabbed
    I feel its time to move on
    Somewhere here is a lesson
    My feelings are just as important as anyone elses. This place isnt for me anymore.
    I feel shit on.
    Ifeel wasted time coming back here.
    My time would be better spent with real and authentic people who dont have an agenda.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:37am

  399. 399: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy.
    I feel loving towards myself.
    I feel appreciative of myself.
    I feel accepting of myself exactly as I am.
    I love myself no matter what.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:48am

  400. 400: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I love that I am giving myself permission to follow my bliss in life!

    I feel so in love with Me, what everybody else is doing doesn’t even matter.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:52am

  401. 401: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer @276 I am happy my contribution was helpful. Personally I am amazed by all that we are not seeing when we are caught up in our own story .

    I loved what you had to say..

    “Had I called him…sure, he might have called me next, or he might have asked to see me…only to disappear again if I didn’t call him again. In this case, he would have gotten me trained. And he would have had to do very little to keep me on a string. I don’t want to be trained.”

    This is NUTS and BOLTS Siren stuff. I love this. We so train people how to treat us. I was thinking of this a short while ago when CD phoned . He had called yesterday to invite me to meet up with nil notice. I had left town already.

    I said clearly that it felt disappointing not to catch up but that I need a few days notice. He said “I’ll have to do better next time with the organisation” ..WHAT? This man lives 12 hours drive away!Did he expect I would be there waiting for him when he wafted in to town? He needs training, LOTS of training.

    Boomer I also agree with you about not always opening the mouth in an endless stream of feelings. Rori also says “STOP TALKING ..yes hand over your mouth” ..and I think that there is a place for silently feeling and processing .

    It goes without saying that people will not always agree with us or tell us what we want to hear. If what we wanted to hear was already working for us we wouldnt need to be here ..

    I was disappointed that Sirens didnt tell me to chase GMan till he recognised how wonderful i was, and that I was wise to continue holding a flame for him , or that it wasnt any of my fault he was such a d***head and total F***brain. But no, Sirens wisely pointed out home truths and the degree to which they were uncomfortable is the degree to which i needed to hear them.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 3:04am

  402. 402: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    378:

    DE~ I will be thinking of you this evening.

    Have fun and just be. And wouldn’t it be fun to find a person to share your love of dance with? Fun!!!

    Hugs~

    ~Lil

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 3:21am

  403. 403: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohh … Feel kinda in shock…

    My new guy that I had reached out to disqualified himself … I do wonder if he was so eager to leave bec I was the one who contacted him… And maybe it didn’t register as a conquest and something he should hang onto in his lower brain ..,

    That’s his business

    Yeah the stuff he was saying I couldn’t deal with

    I feel twitchy

    I feel surprised at my strength

    I wanted to be open as there seemed two levels of this convo but as I asked him what could we do to make this feel better

    He had a good answer but

    The stuff he kept on saying as we were talking about it did not feel good it sounded way more dramatic and felt scary

    I really got that ok, I can’t deal with this. Serious issue here

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 3:24am

  404. 404: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    384:

    Funny how when I read Rori’s thoughts about sharing our profiles here, my stomach tightened up in a big way.

    My first thought was..

    I feel way too vulnerable to share that on the island. Then I thought… My girls here, know my deepest, darkest thoughts; know where I have been and the depth of pain and hurt I have overcome and I have been accepted with open arms, why would this be any different?

    Stomach still feels tight. I’m breathing into it.

    I feel admiration for Daria for sharing her profile here.

    I feel excited for DE to start her month long Match adventure. I imagine her profile is light and vulnerable and as beautiful as she is too.

    One of the emails this morning on POF was from a man who said he loved my profile and it almost made him ask me to write his. Seriously….

    When I read Daria’s profile, where she indicates she wants a husband, it reminds me of a conversation I had with OlderDude last night. I mentioned that I desire to be married. His response was: You are scaring me. Daria will meet marriage minded men, I imagine.

    Gulp. I see him this evening.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 3:36am

  405. 405: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been thinking about commitment.

    I was thinking about Mel and how her commitment (marriage ) now appears to be one sided .Her husband is no longer offering emotional security and reliability .

    I was thinking about Jeannette and how her commitment (engagement) is also under stress. She is not feeling that security or emotional certainty either.

    I think of other Sirens (myself included ) whose emotional commitments have long outlasted the point where they were getting pay dirt for their investment.

    I was wondering Rori if you have a post or can comment about this shifting in our commitments?

    -how to know when to commit and when to untie commitments?

    -how to recognise when a commitment has passed its use by ?

    – how to care for our feelings best when our commitment is under seige (eg suddenly he’s flaking , or another woman , or just plain feeling his withdrawal)

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 3:55am

  406. 406: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel calm now.
    I feel happy
    I feel motivated

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:27am

  407. 407: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens
    A friend of mine came to meet me today. She is having a relationship with one of her colleagues. She is a christian and he is a Hindu brahmin. They are in a relationship for the last 4 years. When he talked to his parents about her and marrying her they protested. So he wants to back off from the relationship. She made a scene by crying and he went back and talked to his family again. Now they say they will consider this if she is willing to convert to Hinduism.
    She feels confused.
    She asked me what do i think about this.

    I feel bad that when his parents objected his pimary impulse was to back off. So I feel suspicious. But thats only my feeling. I didnt tell her this because i didnt want to confuse her more.

    But it appears to me that the only way to work this out is only if she is willing to convert. In the beginning she had told her lover that they will continue in their respective faiths. But now she feels vulnerable and is considering conversion.

    Any suggestions on this?
    Meemee

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:38am

  408. 408: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    On one hand it appears that the only way to make this relation work is by her converting into his religion and he wants her badly and that is why he is letting his parents talk to her and negotiate with her.
    On the other hand it feels unpleasant that he is compelling her to take his religious views to make a marriage happen given that they have a choice to continue in their respective faiths.
    But I dont know what is permitted in a relationship and how much one should compromise to keep a relationship going.

    But she feels confused because she at times doubts why he brought this issue of conversion at all and wonders whetehr that has to say anything about this guy’s commitement towards her and is it a red flag?

    Meemee

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:46am

  409. 409: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Goodmorning :)

    ok so I have to share this…I’m not feeling anything …a little relief maybe..

    So last night Hotpilot cooked us dinner at his place…and I’ve been feeling like maybe I want some space..anywho he wasn’t very touchy feely at all..and I could pick up that something was bothering him..so we played some card games and laughed (I won the most ;) and then he scooted over to cuddle and I just decided to ask him if he wanted to talk about anything…

    WHOA…for about two hours he expressed all his worries..

    he’s worried about

    if I want to be a stay at home mom and what that would mean for him

    If I don’t want to work

    that someone? (me, I’m guessing) will only marry him because he’s a pilot and not for the real him

    that he won’t be able to make ends meet

    that he will be stuck worrying about money all alone in a marriage

    that he sees this happen ALL the time where women use their men for financial reasons or get married to a man just because of what he does…

    I kept checking in with myself…It felt bad to reassure him…so I didn’t..I asked him if he trusted himself enough to not marry someone who is after money or prestige…he said he hopes so

    I said I felt confused…that if he’s worried about all this stuff that maybe he doesn’t really know me..I really didn’t know what to say…I felt kinda numb and turned off

    I did wonder if he’s worried about “someone” (he kept saying that…I’m going to put ME in there) liking him for his profession…how come I’m not worried about someone liking me for my body or good looks?? I feel like that is part of who I am…like…ya of course.. it’s part of the “package” the attraction…hmmm…feels interesting…

    this feels weird to think…but right now I’m like..well….this is my way out…to express that I want to date other men…to open things up…and I feel a little sad about that too…there’s only 1 MAN that I’ve ever thought without a doubt that YES I want to marry him no matter what for better or for worse..

    Lucy…I totally hear you on that..I have fears too of “how do you ever really know”

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:49am

  410. 410: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused that I didn’t have more intense feelings come up…either way…wanting to continue the relationship or to go our separate ways…

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:52am

  411. 411: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 385 You are welcome Rori.

    I have to say I have felt loved in this place by the overwhelming amount of love and appreciated expressed by the ladies here. Sometimes I worry about newbies getting lost in the shuffle of people responding to each other and have reached out to try and avoid that. I feel the warmth of the embrace also and feel like that is a safe place here on Siren Island. Rori I love how you embrace other coaches as well and have learnt from and am intrigued by the feminine grace of Virginia Feingold Clark, Tinque, Orna Walters, Susan Quinn and last but not least yourself. I might have missed a few but I love them all. When I say I am intrigued I sincerely mean it and I look forward to transforming myself with some of the expertise of each that you have introduced to me. Feminine grace is a transfixing topic for me and something I have admired in others but never felt the need or desire to develop in myself. I had in my past embraced the warrior princess persona but it no longer holds any appeal or attraction for me. I am encouraged and blessed by all the ladies here and their stories and look forward to continue sharing with them.

    I have experienced this as a safe place and want to say I still feel safe. I would like to invite those in cyberspace who are afraid to share their stories and just hang out to join the conversation and share themselves. When I shared myself Daria, Lucy, DE, Boomer, Loneplum and others stepped forward to help. I appreciate and love all but have to say I have a soft spot for Loneplum, love how she expresses herself. Sorry if I missed anyone but I love all. Jacqueline is special in her own way and Jacqueline I am still navigating my way around totally and truly appreciating you.

    I believe there is a lesson in this experience. One of it for me is that I can only spew out or into the world or share with the world what is going on in my inner game. As CCarter says communication IS the response I get. I get that now. I come here to work on my inner game and I can truly say I am in a better place now than when I joined some time ago. In my past I used to engage everyone and everything. Now I understand that I do have a choice. I choose to be mature. I choose to radiate and share love. I choose softness, warmth and openness. I choose to re-present myself to the world. So now I choose to walk away from relationships rather than fight. I don’t want to fight for love. I don’t want to talk at people I want to talk with them. I have learnt a lot about talking with people from DE, Lucy and Boomer. Their styles are different but they have been teachers to me in that area.

    Thanks for reading. I love you all and appreciate you.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:54am

  412. 412: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a disconnect with Hotpilot..that’s the underlying feeling…and I feel unsure if it has to do with not connecting during sex…as far as having an orgasm…we have been dating 3 1/2 months and I have NEVER had an orgasm with him…that feels bad…I feel judgemental about it

    I feel unsure of how to express what I’m feeling and then to express it to him so that I can keep my heart open

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:56am

  413. 413: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    also I did do the lean back and unzippering my heart…I wanted to stay open warm and authentic…and just “be” while he was expressing his concerns…

    He seemed to feel happy and feel better after our talk…I wanted to feel feelings of love and closeness and connectedness..but I didn’t…why?

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:01am

  414. 414: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 409 Thanks for sharing that Jilly. I have to admit I read that through the filter of CCarter saying its best to process doubts and fears before the big commitment. I have heard similar things myself and looking at what he said to you, I sense it is healthy for him to have shared that. I also believe it is healthy for him to think that way so he can be sure for himself what he is really feeling, needing and choosing for his life. If he convinces himself that he is wrong about you related to most of those things and the relationship survives I believe you could possibly have a man who will be devoted to you for the rest of your life. I understand guys seeing themselves as winners or successful in life when they can take care of and provide for their families. If they can’t some have learnt the hard way that they are considered losers by their women and they worry they can keep them happy. Before you dismiss it I would encourage you to take a look at his worldview, through his eyes, understand his past experiences with other women or maybe his friends experiences. Most of us are scared sh****less when it comes to love. Just my take on it.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:02am

  415. 415: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    FW..I love that last post from you…feels warm and melty and soft…big sigh…

    I love being a woman…how can a man not fall in love with a woman? we are sooooooo irresistable!!

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:03am

  416. 416: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 413 I would suggest giving yourself the space to get there. He was sharing his truth, his reality and it’s not necessarily yours. If you can get through this tough patch, I believe the connection will be stronger.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:05am

  417. 417: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 412 Jilly I believe Tinque could help you there. Have you ever checked out her blog by clicking on her name?

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:08am

  418. 418: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    FW thank you…I was doing a lot of thinking…and I would rather have a man who thinks ahead rather than not thinking about the future

    maybe it was just the way it came across…but I feel glad that he is so responsible..

    ugg…this doesn’t seem to be coming out right…but I do hear and get what you are saying…

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:11am

  419. 419: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    FW~

    You are loved.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:13am

  420. 420: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 409 By the way Jilly I have a friend whose husband told me before they got married he asked her if she was intrigued by his father’s popularity and status because he couldn’t offer her that and if that is what she was attracted to blah blah blah. He was in New York, she was in Florida. She hung the phone up on him and apparently felt it was confidence why she did that. He stepped up his game after that and won her. Initially they struggled but they are happily married now and he appreciates her public all the time and show PDAs. I guess you are at what CCarter calls a make or break moment.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:14am

  421. 421: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle I just realized I forgot to mention you in my previous comment. Reason why I usually try to steer away from calling names. I know you love me though, and I love you very much and I so what to see big love come your way. I truly love this place and my Siren sisters here. Doesn’t it feel good and raise your vibration just putting that love out there?

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:17am

  422. 422: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly~

    Wow! I have to say that I am impressed with HotPilot. His willingness to express what he was feeling is kinda a big deal. I wonder if that is the point where some men “poof”…you know, when they are questioning themselves.

    I gotta believe this is an important stage in your relationship not only for him, but also for you, Jilly.

    I would take some time and really explore where I was at and what I was feeling about the whole relationship. You know? I am not expressing myself as clearly as I would like..

    ~Hugs, Jilly.

    ~Lil

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:18am

  423. 423: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 399 LG I love you too. I just love how skilled you are at turning towars yourself and expressing you into the world.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:20am

  424. 424: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    421:

    It does feel good, FW..it really does.

    :-)

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:22am

  425. 425: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 405 Rosa I love that. Those are some big questions that could help clarify when we get to that sticking point where sometimes things just don’t or maybe can’t move forward.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:22am

  426. 426: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I believe one can never go wrong when love is at the base of all expressing. When you send it out, it will and does come back.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:23am

  427. 427: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly 387 from Rori could have been written you also, I believe.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:26am

  428. 428: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lilybelle :) It feels like something is happening here….a different way for both of us…he expressed that typically in his relationships he didn’t really care if it worked out or not so he’s never really talked about this stuff…and for me, my thing I usually do is make up my mind about something and determine the relationship is over before even communicating that something is not working for me….hmmmm

    and I agree FW…when I read that post from Rori it resonated with me…thank you for sharing your friends story with me…I really like hearing things like that

    I took a personal day from work…to take care of me so I can feel balanced

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 6:57am

  429. 429: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle…you are sounding so confident and open and authentic these days…yay :)

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:00am

  430. 430: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    429:

    It feels great that you have noticed, Jilly.

    I feel fantastic!

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:02am

  431. 431: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    well…I can really feel it coming through from you…I haven’t caught up on posts…just skimmed..but OlderDude is tonight??

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:07am

  432. 432: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    New post up!

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:09am

  433. 433: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    391.
    Rori, so good to see so many comments from you to all the sirens here! Thank you for commenting on the scoffing and I look forward to anything else you might have to say about it. Actually, I do believe I did disarm him with feeling messages during our convo last night! He told me he loves me from the first moment he ever set eyes on me (which is a long time ago) and would never say or do anything to hurt me, does not mean to be condescending or to put me down, is only concerned for my well-being. A bit of a wanker, if you ask me, but, oh well! I felt more heard by him than I had in a long time, and had a big sigh of relief for now. I see him as a product of his personality, conditioning, programming. If nothing else, he’s good practice for me all around, as I don’t see throwing this guy out of my life and I don’t think he will ever stop calling me and trying to visit me.

    :-)

    xoxo

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:10am

  434. 434: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    431:

    Yep, OlderDude is tonight. I am working on being extremely open and surprised. :-)

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:26am

  435. 435: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    so I know Hotpilot is triggered by women who just stay home while their husband goes out and works…

    my mom stays home
    both my sister in laws stay home
    my sister mostly stays home

    It would feel good to have my man want me to stay home if that’s what I wanted (though I do like working especially if I LOVE my job) which I don’t at the moment but I have had jobs that I’ve loved (more importantly if we had children)

    so on TV last night (before the TALK) was Real Housewives of New Jersey and Hotpilot was expressing his irritation about the women’s lives on the show and I purposely pushed his buttons by saying “well…what’s wrong with it?” seems normal to me LOL….little did I know what he had been worrying about for however long…I feel a little amused

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:47am

  436. 436: DENo Gravatar says:

    Rori # 389 & 384:

    Wow, I feel so happy to be noticed. Thank you dearly for your feedback. I currently use an older profile…pretty simple, yet it sure doesn’t say much as to who I really am these days…I will take your advice and post on the new blog my old profile and my new one…yet, i admit i feel afraid of judgements :( I read some awesome ones posted by Boomer and some other sirens and I felt pretty small…lol

    Hopefully, I will take some inspiration from theirs and include my heart and will see what it comes out …:) I kinda of feel excited about it now :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:50am

  437. 437: DENo Gravatar says:

    Boomer 381:

    Thank you for the warm wishes, yet it might be hard to top your writing abilities :) If (i am still unsure) and when I post mine, I would love your input :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:52am

  438. 438: DENo Gravatar says:

    FW# 411:

    Wow, I feel so touched to have been of help…wow- thank you, it means a lot to me…

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:54am

  439. 439: DENo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle 404 &402:

    Thank you so much for the warm wishes for my “meeting” tonite …i feel reluctant to call it a “date”…:)

    I feel a bit enthusiastic about the process to start dating again…as a newer, improved me :) Can’t wait to notice, notice, and again notice moi :)

    I noticed your growth and strength coming more and more these days :) I feel happy to see that :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 7:57am

  440. 440: DENo Gravatar says:

    Venus #398

    I feel sad reading your post…yet, I feel happy u express yourself…

    Something about you reminds me of myself somehow…I recall starting on the blog and feeling sooo triggered by writing styles, perceived tone, etc…and my first post was actually a very judgmental post towards someone…which stirred up a big fight :)

    Now, looking back, had I knew then what I know now, I would have expressed myself differently…make it about myself and not use my perception about the other person…which was actually my own trigger…from the past…i recall this woman’s style reminded me of spoiled girls (daddy’s girls) back in school…well, i felt jealous…i stopped being a “daddy’s girl” when i was five…i felt abandoned, etc…

    Anyway, the blog brought up many triggers for myself…and lots of opportunities to heal them…:)

    I hope you stay so we can all learn from each other :) and I would love to ask you…”what’s u story gf?”

    Big warm hugs,

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:08am

  441. 441: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 435 Jilly I believe each relationship is different and the people involved in it have to work out together some agreement about how it works. I remember Rori referring to the relationship like a third presence.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:27am

  442. 442: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Dsria – I love this way of working with a trigger – the grayish blob….great comment. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:29am

  443. 443: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow – There couldn’t be more different voices than Daria and FW – I so appreciate you both. Daria, you’re the queen of riffing alone, and you’re so amazing and helpful around so many other things. I appreciate whenever either of you welcomes newbies and goes into your “boy” voices to clarify anything…we couldn’t do without you here…. You all know how much I resist “selling” and even linking to my programs here, and yet I know that each program offers so much…and so I appreciate you all for illuminating and helping with individual Tools in them as we go along…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:35am

  444. 444: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Daria – this is the most amazing profile I’ve ever read. It breaks every pre-conception around…please keep us posted on the kind of men who show up! When you have some data, try it on OKCupid, too – also….is there some way to let us see your photos (this one is gorgeous) – perhaps put them on your blog? Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:38am

  445. 445: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Venus – There’s something going on here….but I don’t know what it is….I didn’t moderate you – and I LOVE your voice here! Did I cause you to feel “slapped”? Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:46am

  446. 446: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    ooops – missed the “slut” comment….will check backwards..Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:47am

  447. 447: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    DE – what a great post…thank you for expressing your experience with triggering and how easy it is to go into blame and judgment in our heads – and then dance around that even more inside our heads. There’s always something deeper than “differences” – what anyone says is never “personal” to us – it’s always about the other person, and yet what I go for when I get triggered is simply: “There’s only me.” That really helps me see that it’s all just about gathering information, discovering what triggers me, and using any “charge” I have from someone or something to work through my own fear. For me – we’re literally “all one.” If I go with the concept of “non-separation” – that we’re all one – then what shows up out there is just a reflection of what’s going on inside my head – the warring of the parts of me. And then I start there. This always makes me feel better.

    Basically…I track how I feel – it just sort of washes over me….oooo…Here I am again – jumping off into a post…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 8:56am

  448. 448: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori I believe the “charge” started somewhere between 358 and 414 here
    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/sinking-and-fixing-how-can-they-work-together/#respond

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 9:07am

  449. 449: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 447 I am finding that I am allowing people and their stuff to “wash” over me or should I say wash off me like water on a duck’s back. I don’t react to things people do and say like I used to. I allow them and I am not clinging on to what they in my head or heart like I used to. If I get hurt I do remember and at times physically remove myself but I can see them now through eyes of empathy and compassion. I learned from Daria that truth without compassion is not truth, so I intentionally embrace that.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 9:11am

  450. 450: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The slut comment was made by Boomer in 181 when she was talking about her daughter. As I understand it was explaining what teenage girls can experience in schools. My daughter has used it to me too about what she hears in the corridors in describing how some of the girls act at parties. She is in a girls school and I continuously bring to her attention stuff I read here and have seen in my experience. In my opinion it was brought up in good faith and was not “the charge”.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 9:25am

  451. 451: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Again, I feel triggered by judgements. And apparently, do not have clue one on how to heal that part of me. Perhaps because it runs so deep.

    I feel afraid if I talk about it, I will start crying and never stop.

    I feel scared to talk about it here. This is the one thing that I continue to stuff down; the hurt and very real, severe pain of how I was judged and still feel judged.

    I want a safe place to go and let this all out…forever.

    Crying at work, is so not cool. I am supposed to be in my boy energy. I need to be in my boy energy…but I am totally girl right now…

    I have got to find a way to heal this….feeling this right now feels like my heart hurting, physically. It’s the only place I feel it.

    I need a hug.

    I can hear Tinque telling me “you did the very best you could do at the time”. I am trying to remember this..

    I do not want to cry.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 10:34am

  452. 452: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 451
    Big Hugs Lilybelle. I cry at work. If anyone asks I tell them I just need some time alone. Sometimes I go to the accessible restroom and just be with myself.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 10:46am

  453. 453: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel triggered by judgements also and I ask myself where am I judging myself. I also tap and practice releasing the judgement out of my body. Or just tap and give myself love and acceptance.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 10:48am

  454. 454: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle….big big hugs from me too!

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 11:02am

  455. 455: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @342: Boomer says:
    “Urgh. Sorry to unload on you on your first foray back among us!…”

    No burden, I love it. I like to share too. Sorry you are bored. Do you need more time for yourself, just yourself in addition to dating time or friend time? Being a mother takes A LOT OF TIME!!!

    A couple of weeks ago, due to illness in family I got heavy duty grandmother duty: taking children to school, snacks, meals, homework, picking them up from school and afterschool classes as well, hours of them! I live a few minutes away from them there was sometimes three (or four!) trains a day to commute to school. Yikes. After a week I was pooped. I love my family but I really like my teeny little empty nest.

    Boomer, vacation days might help, what do you think? When I worked in an office full-time I liked to spread out vacation days to get the biggest bang for my buck… breaking down two weeks of vacation (10 work days) into 3, 3 and 4 days off instead of 10 days in a row.

    That way I could get TWO mini-vacays of 5 days each (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday) and if I then took the remaining 4 days after a three day holiday, that made an additional 9-day longer vacation (actually 9-1/2 days because usually everyone leaves early on those Fridays anyway…. ) :lol:

    Plus, when I did it that way there was the bonus of FOUR short workweeks as well!

    I had “three weeks vacation” so I used the last 5 days for 9 days or so Christmas to New Year’s vacation. :lol: Four weeks would have meant a couple more mini-vacays…

    You probably do this already but it’s good to use one of those short vacations for self. Or you could relocate to Europe and work there; I hear the European companies are more generous with holidays. :)

    My DDIL arranged to work four days a week, coming in and leaving an hour later…so same hours per week. But there are other ways too. I think I mentioned before, Tim Ferriss’s “4-Hour Workweek” — there are some good ideas in the book which excite me.

    “Tell me about your soul mate rings–they sound lovely–but what was the point of them again? I missed that previously…”

    I might have forgotten the original point… LOL … I tend to rearrange and create my own magic. hahaha I think the rings started out as feng shui and setting an intention to find a soulmate. I planned to hang a couple on the window of my “relationship corner.” But once I noticed there was a machine in the supermarket that dispensed little rings for 50 cents I bought more.

    When I discovered the supermarket in another block had similar rings for 25 cents each… well, I was hooked… I got a ring whenever I bought groceries or visited the delis there… So far four wedding bands, three signet rings and twenty-one solitaire stones.

    Also I made “room” for a soulmate to live with me: I’m still doing that, getting used to having a man around… if only in my mind. I’ve been doing that since March 20, my former wedding anniversary, when I “renewed my love vows”… to me! I’ve acted on ideas of my own after reading Arielle Ford’s “Soulmate Secret.” That made it more fun. :)

    I’ve been asking aloud every night “Are you sleeping with me tonight?” I fell asleep one night before asking! I woke up in middle of night and asked; I think I heard… “yes, I’m here.” I think I heard that… :wink:

    I have spring fever… I’m enjoying it but “to-do” list is growing.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 11:23am

  456. 456: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    436 – DE – Ella, I am a writer by profession! I almost have an unfair advantage with profile writing. And I often wonder about my own profiles: whether I am just not able to live up to–in person–the awesome spin I put on myself in writing. Is my reality not live up to my excellent PR???

    I’ll tell ya, it feels confusing to have men fall all over themselves for me before we meet…and after we meet and “I” come shining through with all my quirks and FMs and esoteric humor…they leave. I have heard often, “I don’t get you.”

    So having an “amazing profile” may just be working against me.

    It feels wonderful getting your compliments, but I know you can just be your charming, “Darling” self and attract all kinds of men with the honesty, integrity, and sincerity you show us here.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 11:53am

  457. 457: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth 349

    ***says things to me about me with contempt in his voice. I couldn’t think of a good word to describe it other than contemptuous. I don’t care if he is kidding or has a dark sense of humor. I don’t like it.It feels like he is trying to “tame me” in a non-benevolent way. ***

    I think in terms of “tame” since the day I’ve read in french “the little prince” from Antoine De Saint-Exupéry.
    I was 10, and it was an assignment in school. I was in Africa, like the pilot in the book.
    I did not like it at first, found it boring. It was a man’s imagination, once more, like most books we were told to read in school.

    Years later in a different country, I was going through a terrible heart break. I was 23.
    One day, I was sat at a friend’s house waiting for her, when my eyes spoted a book, resting on a side table, by my chair. I picked it up. It was “the little prince”, in Spanish. I read it all in one go. Nobody disturbed me, and I forgot I was not even in my home. When I put the book back down on the side table, I was a different woman.
    I was understanding my feelings. I went to buy a copy to keep with me for ever.

    When I was 29, I was pregnant, my husband was away on an international tour, and I went to a library. I bumped onto the little prince in English. I sat there on the floor, in the library, and read it in one go.
    It put another new light on my life yet again. Different from the last time I had read it, but as fulfilling.

    It is a magical book.

    I put the 3 versions in my baby’s room for her to pick them up in any time of her life.

    The book originally written in french uses the word “apprivoiser”.
    “To tame”.
    “ Apprivoiser” means: A is attracted by B, he wants to tame B. He does not want to posses her, he wants her to trust him, to want to be with him.
    A is the one who provides the ritual that will bring the feeling of safety.
    B is the one who handles the time.
    B takes all the time in the world to decide if she feels safe enough to let A step in her vital space.
    B’s reactions tell A when he can approach or not. Taming is about freedom, trust, respect, and patience.

    May be you mean something else, like “dompter” in french.
    “To master”.
    Like when you force a wild horse to get used to men and to work for them. You touch the horse’s body before he trusts you, before he wants you to. You force him to accept your touch. You ride him against his will, to start with. And he will accept you ride him only when he understands that he cannot get rid of you and he has no more strength to fight you. After which you reward him and prove to him he gets to be taken care of when he cooperates. He grows to remember he will get food and care.

    Yet I think what your “friend” does is not “dompter” nor “apprivoiser”.
    It is “briser”, “to crush” the animal spirit or the woman self esteem.
    Probably another wounded man yet…

    xxx

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 11:58am

  458. 458: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, why not include your quirks and humor and FM’s and all the real you in your profile? A good writer can spin a fantasy of herself; a great writer can capture her own true and unique essence in words. ;)

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:07pm

  459. 459: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I have sexy, devil may carish photos.

    One is me w my phone on the mirror, I’m laying on my side in the floor and am basically on hands and knees in a collared shirt and grey skirt.

    One is this one w me I’ma biz suit yet showing cleavage

    One is my torso in a sexy low-cut dress.

    I got 8 pages – PAGES of messages the first few hours. That’s maybe 100 messages.

    Yesterday, I didn’t log on till late it was up to 11 pages.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:07pm

  460. 460: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow rori thank you for your appreciation.

    About my profile – I feel thrilled and a little scared reading what you thought of it. Wow. Well . :). Ok. Hehe. Yay.

    Men have written that they like it,

    Many actually have commented on my profession listed as dating and relationship coach.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:10pm

  461. 461: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    411 FW

    *** I appreciate and love all but have to say I have a soft spot for Loneplum, love how she expresses herself.***

    I’m running out of cigarettes, sorry Babe!
    lol
    ;)

    xxx

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:16pm

  462. 462: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thank you for clarifying the “slut” comment for Rori. It felt terrible being misunderstood regarding my use of the word. You hit the nail on the head: In trying to identify with a new younger siren, I was referring to my teen daughter’s hesitation to CD at her age and in her peer group where girls who accept dates with multiple boys are called that word and worse, whether or not they are being sexual with their dates. My point was, she’s doing it (in a limited fashion), and it has helped her own her dating experience, get over a boyfriend on whom she was hooked, and feel better about herself. She hates FMs though. LOL. Like her mother, she’s a walking cerebrum…very thought-oriented and logical! But at 18, she can make such a difference in her own life, and 50-year-old Chrissy will thank her!

    I did not “defend” my use of the word at the time, as I felt clear and sincere about my meaning, and as my father used to say: you can please some of the people some of the time…

    Rori, I hope my meaning was clear for you, and if not–if I violated some protocol or did something not in the way you prefer here–please let me know. I am gathering that “judgments,” even very personal ones that are the meat of internal work, can trigger people here (and IRL, I suppose). I never meant to offend anyone, but my stuff is my stuff, and I am where I am. I can’t be where you or you or you are…I am not any of you. I have my own back catalog of ups and downs to explore here. I’d like to feel safe exploring here, if I may continue to do so. I’d like us all to have that privilege here. Thanks.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:17pm

  463. 463: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: Thanks for your thought…believe me, I DO include all of the quirky, silly obscurity in my profile. They eat it up. In theory it seems. Somehow, the reality of a “bigger than life” woman is scary?? I don’t know. I’m not all THAT “big,” I don’t think. I have stayed the course with a profile that I really think shows me as I am. I continue to feel surprise and disappointment when men who respond to my humor and pop culture references and slight irreverence in my profile don’t like it in the real me. I’ve been told, “I don’t get you.” A guy friend says it’s because most men only look at the pictures anyway: THAT feels disheartening! Actually, I almost always hear that I am far better looking in person than my pictures, so I’m not thinking that it’s my looks they are disappointed in.

    I’m gonna think on this…I wonder what I could do differently or if I should do anything differently. Hmmm.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:24pm

  464. 464: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    LP, that was beautiful and insightful.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:26pm

  465. 465: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    461: Loneplum:

    “I’m running out of cigarettes…….”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I needed this.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:29pm

  466. 466: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Elizabeth

    :) Glad to be here.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 12:59pm

  467. 467: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    465 Lilybelle

    I won’t ask what “this” refers to ;)

    lol
    :)

    xxx

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:01pm

  468. 468: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @351: tinque says:

    Hey you! I’m still doing the ad project. Very interesting. Over seven hundred… :)

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:04pm

  469. 469: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    464: Boomer

    Merci, chère amie :)

    xxx

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:04pm

  470. 470: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @380: boomer says:

    “… I gather “Venus” is a new name for someone we knew under a previous screen name here incognito….

    Ooooo, a mystery. I can’t help being curious. I see one siren has gone through a few incarnations and the original returned… :) That was cool. 8)

    OK, who this time? Rusty?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:17pm

  471. 471: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum et al I just love you ladies here.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:21pm

  472. 472: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @393: Rori Raye

    It’s a joy to see your words on the blog.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:25pm

  473. 473: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @398: Venus says:
    “I feel slapped in the face..”

    Oh, this is not good. I misunderstood, thinking you really were someone else. I am sorry to have said so. Feeling slapped is terrible. Not what I wished.

    xoxo
    SLV.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:36pm

  474. 474: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, I’m ready to drop it, unless it’s somehow healing for the community to keep working through it.

    I will rarely speak up for myself, but I go into Mama Bear mode when I feel bad for someone else. I wonder if I put to much weight on “fairness” sometimes.

    I feel ambivalent about my defending tendency: on the one hand it feels noble, on the other it feels…self-serving and self-righteous.

    Huh. Gonna explore that too.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 1:39pm

  475. 475: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle – Yes indeed, you did do the best you could in that moment. Sending love and hugs.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 2:07pm

  476. 476: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – 700!!! Yikes. Are you going to send me a sampling? I would love to see.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 2:08pm

  477. 477: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @463: Boomer says:
    “A guy friend says it’s because most men only look at the pictures anyway: THAT feels disheartening!…”

    IMHO, yes. If I apply the so-called 80-20 rule, appearance would be the 80 of first attraction. It might even be the 97 to the 3, especially in online dating where “appearance” is usually a silent two dimensional photo.

    I encourage you not to be disheartened. If you don’t “attract” anyone, you won’t have anyone to work with, to discover and to build a relationship…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 2:26pm

  478. 478: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @476: tinque

    OK.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 2:33pm

  479. 479: Island GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @462 Boomer, I understood you when you first posted and think you expressed yourself clearly and well. ((Hug))

    I have some serious Mama Bear tendencies myself but have been trying to resist ;-) and follow your and FW’s examples. Thank you. :-)
    It feels really freeing to just try and let it go.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 4:01pm

  480. 480: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    IslandGirl: thank you.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 4:04pm

  481. 481: VenusNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I felt slapped. I felt put in my place like a bad little siren. I dont want to feel like I have to comply. I didnt agree and well we saw how that went. What I offered was good , sound and authentic. I took pot shots too , but alas somehow they got missed. I dont want validation. I dont want vindication. All I want is to feel safe like i did before. My real name is Dawn for those who care.

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 5:09pm

  482. 482: KaylaNo Gravatar says:

    Yayy tomorrow “pickup guy” and I are going to the drive in (: do you think it would be a good idea to text him first tomorrow, or should I just wait until he texts me?

    Thursday, 2 June 2011 @ 10:30pm

  483. 483: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am outside my house sitting on a thing.

    Yay! I am doing things differently.

    Yay everyone is my therapist. Even trees, and especially geese.

    Tomorrow I have a date with a guy I never thought I would connect with in my life.

    I feel afraid to cancel afraid to go. This is good yay. I’m expanding.

    I’m in transit. Yay! My in transit self feels hungry.

    I feel desire for touch.

    Hug for me.

    Oh I see I learned to discount my love. Only approval from other people ‘counts’

    Uhuh.

    Now I count.

    Yay for Daria love.

    Yay for privacy from patents for inner meditating.

    Yay for magnetic splashy night nature environments.

    Yay for the still part inside of me, the joyful still ness.

    Friday, 3 June 2011 @ 12:00am

  484. 484: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dawn hmm. I’ve been working with: I’ll just assume I’m safe.

    I often feel lonely on blog lately.

    Friday, 3 June 2011 @ 12:02am

  485. 485: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am outside doing bellydance arm waves and prayer hands under the stars. Yay!

    Feels exhilarating to notice how magical I naturally live

    Friday, 3 June 2011 @ 12:08am

  486. 486: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dawn – hey babe, this is an exercise to practice on something new, when we feel triggered ok?

    What happens is we take all perceptions of the other person and the interaction, however valid, and say ok I love me, and thank You.

    And then instead breathe into our body, and notice how we feel. We thank the person who triggers u’s even if it seems they’re attacking us. We say yay! Cuz it’s an opportunity for healing.

    And we say how body feels… Tummy jumping? Shoulders tense?

    And that’s it! No thinking, just straight to the feelings.

    Friday, 3 June 2011 @ 12:11am

  487. 487: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing…

    Saturday, 4 June 2011 @ 12:54pm

  488. 488: susieNo Gravatar says:

    Well ladies this is my first night here….really torturing myself…i work two jobs and only have one night off a week…that and 1/2 a day…my question is how do i NOT plan my time with the guy i want to spend it with…i’ve read that i shouldn’t schedule around him….i just don’t know how else to ever spend time together…i have some days off planned all the way out to sept….he has also backed up from me just this week…trying not to make myself crazy…READ READ READ tonight and am grateful you’re all here.

    Monday, 6 June 2011 @ 12:54am

  489. 489: Cry BabyNo Gravatar says:

    Help! Rori, I have no problem showing emotion. I actually have a problem not showing emotion. My immediate emotional response is to cry….even at work. (Not a lot at work but even once is too much) I’ve gotten better over the years controlling it but I’m still not “normal.” My biggest problem is that my guy has grown up completely opposite, with any show of emotion being perceived as weak. I had just recently began to accept myself as someone who God created to feel things more deeply than others. And now, he thinks I can stop which makes me not feel loved and accepted for who I am. (even writing this I feel like crying) We have a few other issues we need to work on which really pull at my emotions. I agree with him that I need to work on controlling my emotions at my job but I don’t feel good about holding back with him. Even if I actively wanted to and believed I could make this change, I would still feel uncomfortable knowing that he thinks I should change. Am I wrong?

    Tuesday, 12 July 2011 @ 5:13pm

  490. 490: SaraNo Gravatar says:

    I’m new here and just started reading many of the posts. I understand how to use the “I feel’s”. Is it ok to just say something you feel when your feeling it? Like if I’m having a moment where I’m really feeling love for my bf and I tell my bf I love him, is that ok? The problem is I expect, to get an “I love you too” back, but sometimes he says “I love me too”. I know he’s trying to be funny, it’s his ego, etc, but I have no idea what just went wrong and why I didn’t get it back. Then I feel a little disappointed. Do i know he loves me? Yes. But I still want to hear it. I truly don’t say it all the time (not even every day), just when I am feeling it, want him to know it. He shows it also, so no problem there. But we women like to hear it also, don’t we? So what is the right thing to do in this type of situation and how do we handle a man’s ego?

    Saturday, 27 August 2011 @ 3:30pm

  491. 491: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sara I have learned never to say the L word first. He knows that is what you expect so he is not giving it to you. Why not turn the tables around and do something different. Wait till he tells you and you tell him I love me too. I do that all the time. Guys always laugh when they hear that. They are always putting themselves first

    Saturday, 27 August 2011 @ 3:40pm

  492. 492: Goddess BonnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    I absolutely love the “I feel” way of speaking and have been doing that with a man I love for three years. I’ve noticed how I feel taken care of, feminine, resting back, and fulfilled when I share in a way with him that expresses my feelings. I also ask him often what he “thinks” to keep him in his masculine dynamic with my feminine dynamic.

    What’s been happening for several months now is that he is using “I feel” statements many times a day. In fact, just so far today he’s texted me he “feels compassion; feels right; feels important; feels loving me; feels great; feels excited; feels glad; and feels responsible.” YIKES! (I’ve created a monster…. figuratively :-)

    He does this I believe because he hears me speak like this so he must think this is how I communicate. But I notice so many “I feel” statements from him make me want to lean forward and be more masculine, which I don’t enjoy. I love being woman with my man.

    Any light you can shed would be appreciated. I’ve not read this particular issue before on your blog (I may have missed it though).

    Sincerely,
    Goddess Bonnie

    Tuesday, 27 September 2011 @ 1:18pm

  493. 493: SaraNo Gravatar says:

    Bonnie,

    Keep in mind, and as Rori stresses in her Modern Siren program, the “I feels” should be used only as a tool and NOT as a way of speaking. Maybe try cutting back on them, save them for when you feel really emotional about something. I’m a newbie to this myself so I still have yet to have moment where I’m comfortable enough to use them. Guess I have the opposite problem.

    Sara

    Wednesday, 28 September 2011 @ 4:15pm

  494. 494: AminaNo Gravatar says:

    I understand what you mean, after i read your explaination :) thank you for helping us, clueless women! I would also feel more emotionally atraccted to a woman who expresses her feelings. even if she is “rambly”, i would try to be friends with her and be part of her clique. now i know how to get my guy! Hes the most amazing! He has a great personality and hes Popular! I want him so badly! Today i talked about something that happened to me with him, that was a mistake that I should never have made :/ i noticed how he felt unatractted to me afterwards. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow! THANKS SO MUCH for the advise!!

    Monday, 17 October 2011 @ 7:46am

  495. 495: RaineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    I’d really like some help..and I’ve been looking for a place to ask someone about this so I’m glad I’ve finally found this. I hope someone will be able to give me an advice and reply…
    I’ve read many things from here, and a light has gone on in my head (thank you!), and I understand a lot, though not all, of it. And the main thing I’ve always seen is, “express your emotions to them”; I understand why this is important, but my problem comes with this..what should I do if I don’t know how to express my feelings to him? Because we’ve stopped being able to communicate properly a while ago… what if he’s turned off by this?
    Also, is it a good idea to tell someone who is unsure of their feelings towards you, that they make you happy? and that you feel comfortable with them?

    I hope someone will be able to help me with this, thank you!

    Thursday, 26 January 2012 @ 6:39pm

  496. 496: BonnieNo Gravatar says:

    To Raine:

    Hi Raine, you found a great place with Rori. Her material is excellent in my opinion.

    When you asked what you should do if you don’t know how to express your feelings… have you downloaded Rori’s e-book? http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/catalog/ebook.html?s=25452
    This book will answer your questions and show you the “how to.”

    If your question was really, what if you don’t know what you are feeling… I’ve found that by practicing when I’m not with my guy by asking myself, what am I feeling right now? was helpful. For instance, I might be agitated, so I pause, ask myself, and find maybe I’m really disappointed, or hungry, or tired, etc. By this practice I got to know myself better and it was much easier to express my feelings to my guy.

    Your last point about what if he’s uncomfortable with your feelings. He might be. For me, I had a guy actually say to me once “what is it with you and all these feelings!” and he was making it clear to me he was uncomfortable with is own feelings with intimacy and he was clearly not the guy for me. My sweetheart loves my feelings, especially when I feel great about how me makes me feel, or when he says something and I tell him “that feels good” etc.

    Hope that helps.
    Bonnie

    Friday, 27 January 2012 @ 10:35am

  497. 497: starlight-32No Gravatar says:

    I am finding it difficult speaking to men using feeling words and the response i am getting from guys is not positive, one guy said i sound like i’m buzzing on drugs or i just don’t really want to talk to him, this leaning back thing is leaving me with nothing to say,which is drying up my conversations very quickly and making it seem like i’m not interested.

    It seems that rori tells you how to have a conversation when you wanna express yourself of if something is wrong but general chit chat i.e talking about yourself, your day, politics, interests ect there’s no advice on that, as you don’t need to always talk about your feelings in those subjects and another point- men like you to ask them questions too but when your practicing this leaning back -let the man do the work thing, it makes them feel like you don’t want to know anything about them. which in turn makes them feel like your not interested.

    I’m starting to wonder in 2012 if this advice is a bit outdated esp with the younger generation who are used to 50-50 effort???

    I just want to have a normal chat, help me please Thanks in advance xxx

    Monday, 2 April 2012 @ 8:31am

  498. 498: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    starlight – the ebook has pages and pages of how to answer standard questions like: what do you do for a living? How’s it goin? That’s the basis of all my work and the Love Scripts program. It takes practice – try chit-chatting in Feeling Messages with your girlfriends, with waiters, with old people and children, with people behind counters at stores…practice until it feels natural. My “sunset” tool is all about this. Love, Rori

    Monday, 2 April 2012 @ 11:52am

  499. 499: starlight-32No Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori one more thing when circular dating you say treat them all the same until you get the ring, but what if i not attracted to all of them but one, am i supposed to ignore my feelings? that does not feel authentic to me and will come across when i am dating i mean men can tell if your into them or not ???

    Monday, 2 April 2012 @ 3:17pm

  500. 500: BonnieNo Gravatar says:

    @Starlight-32
    I disagree Rori’s methods are outdated. It just takes a bit of practice to communicate this way (speaking from my own experience.)

    At 43 I attracted a 32 year old (drop dead gorgeous) hottie whom I’ve had a very delicious relationship with (not just sexual but intellectually stimulating, heart felt, and alive).

    My conversations about topics of the day could be:
    “….I’m feeling annoyed at our President…again…”
    “…I felt great at work today, I got so much done and was able to come home early and primp for you honey…”
    “…I feel frustrated with my sister because….”

    Etc.
    One last thought – I notice the guys that tease me or are not interested in my “I feel” statements are really uncomfortable with their own feelings. I had to ask myself do I see myself going anywhere intimately with a guy that is uncomfortable with his own feelings (answer: no.) So I moved on from those guys rather quickly.

    All the Best,
    Bonnie

    Monday, 2 April 2012 @ 10:20pm

  501. 501: starlight-32No Gravatar says:

    Thanks Bonnie, i’m just starting the circular dating and i understand changing habits it’s not always easy, i’m just so used to talking how i want which is in a give and receive format.

    Its just i’m not finding much info on how to have a general convo via mail before the initial phone call or date.

    it’s just basic things like if a man says ‘hi, hows you?’ i’m i allowed to say ‘i feel great thanks, how are you?’

    or just ‘i’m feeling great here laying on my soft cosy bed….’

    or questions like ‘whats your ideal match?’

    Do i say ‘i feel i need someone loving, ambitious, that’s emotionally available and ready for a serious relationship’

    or just say ‘i feel when i meet him i will know…’

    I think maybe i should just write down some things to say, i know i’m gonna make mistakes,i just wanna feel a little prepared, until i get used to this new way of dating.

    ohhhh another thing what about if men ask me if i’ve been on many dates before or personal questions like that do i just answer, if i feel ok to or do i just say i don’t feel comfortable answering that question? to me the shorter answer always seem cold and uninterested….i suppose i’m supposed to be leaning back but i still want to seem like i’m interested in them also because i am i wanna know more…how will i know there right for me if i don’t ask questions? its quite easy for some men to ask all about you and never reveal much about themselves.

    But most importantly with online dating… is it ok to see a profile of someone you like and make first contact?? or send a wink or let that person know your interested in getting to know them?

    Do i HAVE to date guys i’m not attracted to (please say no lol) i get so many of them. Ones i know i wouldn’t wanna kiss or hold hands with, much less anything else….i don’t even wanna respond to there mail. just being honest…

    Tuesday, 3 April 2012 @ 5:54am

  502. 502: Silver MoonbeamNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight and Bonnie this site moves really fast you might be better posting on the latest blog for April 2012 if you want answers to your questions. See ya over there. :)

    Tuesday, 3 April 2012 @ 6:14am

  503. 503: starlight-32No Gravatar says:

    Thank Silver Moonbeam, i’v re-posted xxx

    Tuesday, 3 April 2012 @ 9:28am

  504. 504: VenutianNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,
    Your programs are truly amazing and I’m very grateful for them. Thank you for all your dedication, work and love you put into them.

    Expressing myself to my hubby is a HUGE challenge for me. I’ve already started, and everyday things and feeling messages are ok until it comes to being TRIGGERED. That is the part where I panic. I’m in my head not my heart and then he whacks me with a label of what he thinks of me (oh, I think you’re crazy for thinking that….OR Oh, I think you’re just too sensitive … OR I feel like walking on eggshells around you so you don’t get upset…)

    At that point I’m thinking “who the !@#$ does he think he is? Why does he judge me ? I don’t judge him…” But at that time I do NOTHING. I let myself explore inside to see how I’m really feeling. Sometimes I write it down; sometimes I just let myself feel it fully. Then the tough part comes. Finding a good time to bring it up and discuss how I feel about his comments. There is a fear of judgment and rejection. I try to find something FUN to do or leave the house to remove myself, but when I come back the feelings are still there and I need courage to share them. The need to share my feelings is much stronger that sometimes I just want to tell him immediately while sensing it’s not a good time so I don’t do it. But at the same time I don’t want to stuff down the feelings of anger nor wait for few days for the right moment. What’s the best way to go about this?

    I have a Toxic Man program and he is borderline Difficult/Toxic, the role-plays in the video help me a lot, it’s just the right timing and courage I need to find…

    Please help….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:36pm

  505. 505: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Venutian – try this: OWN whatever he says to you. Agree to it (a part of everything he says is true – it’s the same for everyone. We wouldn’t feel triggered if we didn’t believe there was some truth to what someone “calls” us). Say (any one of these as they apply) – Yes, you’re right, I’m feeling very sensitive. Yes, you’re right, I get upset easily. I feel bad that there’s walking on eggshells, It would feel incredible for us to learn to be open and honest and straight forward with each other. I’d feel open to working on that. Once you own it, look at him and treat him as though he’s HELPING you to be a stronger person and to communicate better.

    Try asking him – “How do you think I can say this in a more effective way?” Get a book on Non-Violent Communication and leave it around, or read it when you’re sitting together, see if he’s interested in it (I suggest that book because it’s not from a “relationship expert” – it’s more about business, and it’s written by a man – Marshall Rosenberg).

    When he says something that triggers you – that’s the moment for some self-coaching (and if you’d be open to some actual coaching, that would be fabulous – there are so many great coaches – I just met and interviewed a woman I LOVE – Danielle Dowling at http://www.danielle-dowling.com – and she’s very cost-reasonable right now, sort of a well-kept secret…)

    Love, Rori

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:13pm

  506. 506: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    This is excellent!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

  507. 507: VenutianNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks, I’ve tried that. But it didn’t go well. We went out last night and I showed him a picture on my phone I wanted him to see. He started to look at more pictures and few minutes later I found myself sitting alone, bored so I said that I felt bored. He gave me a look and sort of threw the phone on the table. I said, you can finish looking if you want but I felt bored. The conversation got still, both of us quiet, then he took the phone and continued with the pictures. So I turned myself away from facing him. sort of sat sideways. After a while, when the phone was down, I felt him looking at me and then he in a mad tone said something about me sitting sideways and ignoring him, that if I’m trying to teach him a lesson and getting him pissed that it’s working, etc.
    I just quietly sat there, listened to him at Level 2 and just repeated myself that I felt bored and ignored and I didn’t like it. Then he started saying that I’m very rude, that he put the phone down but I’m still in my emotional spin, he feels like walking on eggshels around me. I thanked him for letting me know how he felt and repeated myself again that I didn’t like to be ignored. Long story short, we didn’t come up to any resolution. This morning we disccused more, I told him I felt bad becasue it was my birthday celebreation (one day after my birthday) and I wanted his attention. He said if I loved him that I would be there for him and let him look at pictures and would understand. I said I felt exactly same, if I felt loved, he would put the phone down and we would move on. He feels that we’re growing appart, does not accept my behavior from last night and feels that I was rude. When I asked him what he thinks we should do, he said “I don’t know”. So I’m trapped. I love him, but when leaning back and waiting to receive, he does not feel love from me, he says it’s a cause and effect. This is a big one and I don’t know what to do. I want to hug him, I want to kiss him but I’m also leaning back doing NOTHING and he’s waiting for action and love from me…I’m leaving country for 5 weeks tomorrow, we will reconnect in 3 weeks and are supposed to go on a 4 night trip together but I feel scared how all will turn out.

    Thank you for all your help!

    Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 6:31am

  508. 508: BonnieNo Gravatar says:

    @Venutian
    Sorry but he sounds like a jerk. Repeatedly. If I told my boyfriend I felt bored he would immediately ask me why and “do” something to make it better. Sounds like you are with a boy not a man.

    I notice Rori’s methods also flush out the guys that can’t handle feelings. I had one guy say to me once “you’re always feeling!”. He was not comfortable with feelings and I was glad I found out sooner rather than later. Have me the opportunity to find a man who truly cares about me.

    Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 6:06pm

  509. 509: EmotionalNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting article I don’t think you could necessarily always have resentment toward another person, what about having resentment towards yourself. In other words you can tell someone how you feel what if the other person doesn’t acknowledge those feelings in the way that you would like them to. Then the resentment stems from you because you feel like maybe you shouldn’t have expressed those feelings to that person or maybe you’re expressing those feelings to the wrong person. What should you do? Do you continue to beat up on yourself for having shared how you felt with the person? or do you just accept the fact that maybe you just shouldn’t share your feelings with that person?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:17pm

  510. 510: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Emotional – Powerful question – and there’s another facet here you haven’t mentioned. What if you express your feelings to a man and he doesn’t respond the way you “want? Then you need to ask yourself “Where was I coming from when I asked that? Did I have an AGENDA? Did I WANT something?” Because expressing yourself is not the same as trying to “get” something. If You express in Feeling Messages, and are coming from a place of wanting to share yourself and be honest and go deeper than the superficiality most relationships are stuck in, and he isn’t “hearing you” – then the next feeling would be “ick…I feel all weird and stupid for sharing that…I guess I wanted something from you…hmmm…glad I noticed that…still…I feel unheard and disconnected right now…” Or “I’m starting to feel angry.” Then – you get to go deeper into a conversation – for which you need “scripting” skills! Love, Rori

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:05am

  511. 511: EmotionalNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye – Exactly I love how you put this…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:10am

  512. 512: EmotionalNo Gravatar says:

    AGENDA! Humm I’m cold I wish you where here to keep me warm! Did I want something sure! Would this be considered me expressing myself in Feeling Message or could it be that I was to quick to react in texting my request. I felt more like it was a feeling request and agree that maybe it should have been taken to a deeper conversation instead of a text. I don’t think I would have developed that ick… feeling after.. great point love how you put this…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:17am

  513. 513: EmotionalNo Gravatar says:

    Have you ever had the feeling that everything was going well in your relationship when your spending time together, and the when your by yourself and things don’t feel like there going to well, you contemplate on if you should even be involved with anyone…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:29pm

  514. 514: FlyawayNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone! Rori, I have been receiving your daily emails for sometime now and everyday I look forward to reading what new advice is enclosed in them.

    I will share a bit of my situation. Three years ago I started seeing this man that lives four hrs away from me. We had met ten years earlier and he was interested in me but I had no interest in him. I was in a relationship at the time which lasted for nine years.

    “This man” I started seeing would never invite me to visit him even a year into “our relationship” I asked as to why and the response always was “my place is my temple and I allow no one over.” Not to mention I would only see him every three months when he was in town visiting his mother. When he was gone I would not hear from him weeks at a time, I would contact him, text him, and such would go unanswered for days at a time. His excuse “I don’t like being on the phone.” Long story short, after two years of being in “this relationship” I went into his pockets while he was sleeping and made note of his address. I did some research and such address went to a female along as all of his previous addressess. Could it just be a conincidence I thought? Well, I confronted him and asked him who that person was that his address kept on going to? His response, I don’t know who that person is. I left it alone and one day I said to him that I would come visit. His response “If you dare to show up at my house, you will be dead to me.” I still didnt want to believe what everyone around me was telling me “he has a woman.” Seven months later invites me over (2 /12 yrs) into “our relationship” As I am there I see there are Cosmo magazines along with other ones which I found a lil odd for a man to have. I picked one up to read only to find the subscriber was that same female that had come up when I looked up his address. I asked him again as to who the subscriber was or what his relationship was with her. His response “that is my landlord” and I left it alone. I was shocked, I was hurt, I felt stupid, I felt lied to, etc. When I came home, I looked for her work phone number which I had saved and decided to call her. She picked up right away and there it was. They had been together for ten years and she had just left him two months prior to my visit. I confronted him about it, and his response ” I wasn’t suppossed to know, it is not what you think it is, if I ever told you she existed you would have never given me a chance, blah, blah, blah.” So, yes, I gave him another chance. The first month he would call, text on a regular basis only to go back to the old pattern. Here I am still, not only I found several text messages going back and forth with other females, some messages being sent at later hours in the morning by this females saying “hey daddy”, him saying to them he had no plans or was seeing anyone while in town when in reality he was with me. This whole situation has taken a toll on me, I can’t sleep, I am always by the phone hoping he calls, text, the only thing I receive is a link to a song every now and then. Calls maybe one a week. I am givin up on being the one chasing him. I have tried the feeling messages only to hear that I am needy and clingy and that he is fine with the long distance. Any advice you guys can provide will be greatly appreciated.

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 5:38am

  515. 515: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Flyaway – you’re not going to like this: What are you doing with this man in ANY way? There’s nothing here for you, nothing! And any man who doesn’t want you in his home needs to be gone from your life ASAP! The only reason you’d stay in this situation is if you’re afraid of love and intimacy – and that’s where I encourage you to work. Please start with the ebook to get the basics – and then Circular Date! Love, Rori

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 10:46am

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