Here’s a great and provocative comment from Audrey around a post I wrote:
Competing for your own husband? No that’s just stupid, and besides nothing you do is going to change who he is, a selfish pig (and I’m sure a few other choice words). Rori is right about a few things though, you can’t just stay in the middle ground waiting for life to happen to you and you do need to have fun, FOR YOU!
I’m going through the same thing and trust me you just need to move on and take care of you.
Audrey Welcome, and though I totally agree with so much of what you say – whatever would you want with a man you consider to be a stupid, selfish pig?
When we think of people in this way, we’re activating our “judging” qualities, and then everything goes downhill.
No one wants to be around someone who thinks they’re a selfish pig.
It might even make them want to be MORE of a selfish pig in order to make what you think about them true.
Even if you don’t say it out loud. Even if you “pretend” that everything’s okay and you’re a “good sport” – they KNOW, they can just FEEL that you think there’s something wrong with them.
And they take that to mean NOT that you “just don’t like something they did or said” – but that you believe there’s something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong and bad and disgusting and shameful about WHO THEY ARE.
In fact – we ALL feel that way, and we all mess ourselves up by holding these kinds of beliefs about OURSELVES.
Transformation starts with unconditional love and acceptance.
If you can’t do that with a man – the obvious advice is to say “get out of there.”
But – if you can’t do that with a man – likely you can’t do that with yourself, either.
Instead of “getting out of there” with YOURSELF – go deeper INTO yourself.
Start loving all the parts and actions and past things you think are “mistakes” you made, and unconditionally love the qualities you wish you didn’t have.
Now try it with him.
And if he’s ethically and morally challenged, orif he just doesn’t seem to have the ability to meet your needs – instead of judging him – see if you can feel all celebratory (and sad, too, yes…) that you NOTICED this, and that you simply aren’t a good match.
This means that some other man IS a better match for you.
Then – just go put yourself out in the world where a man who’s a good match for you can FIND you – now that you love yourself unconditionally and can look at every man without LABELS or judgments.