What To Do When A Man Opens Up Emotionally With Feelings

heartwreathHere’s a question from Ebony (my comment started here->):

“How do you respond to a man when he shares his feelings and vulnerability? Yesterday I got a text from my guy saying that he was sad and that he wishes that he could win the lottery so that we could start having kids. I was obviously thrown for a loop when he wrote this. I wrote back ‘I love u’ because although I felt happy that he said it I didn’t want to scare him off. He wrote back ‘I love u too but I feel sad.’

When I got home he told me that he was really lonely. I was scared to say the wrong thing, that would in affect be advising him or scaring him off. I just ended up sitting next to him and he pulled me close. I want to be able to let him communicate things like this and know how to respond.. What do you suggest? Ebony”

My answer:

Ebony, There are two possible scenarios here:

1. The man is WAY too much into HIS feelings (not YOURS, where he SHOULD BE) – and expects you to somehow “take care” of him.

2. He feels safe with you emotionally – because he “gets” that YOU can handle YOUR feelings – that you can FEEL them – and so he feels safe feeling his feelings in your presence.

The way you find this out is how YOU feel over time. If he’s always unhappy – he may be depressed, he may simply have a negative attitude – and he will drain you emotionally and energetically for the duration of the relationship. This would mean you’re always feeling a bit tired around him, and finding yourself more bluesy than you want to be.

And the way to handle this, when a man unexpectedly opens up – is to tilt your head to the left, lean back a bit, and nod your head. If you say anything, let it be “wow…” or “bummer…” o r”sounds awful…” or “crap…” or – “wow, you’re so smart…” or “cool…” or “sweet…” or “great…”

In other words – no advice, no comments, no “active listening”  (feeding back what he just said), no suggestions, no anything ….

BE there. This is your chance at Listening at Level 2 (one of my basic Tools – it’s in my ebook). This means not thinking about his situation or how YOU would handle it. (Okay, let’s face it, usually we could handle it better, and it’s just SO nice when he handles something great…) This means not analyzing his behavior or his words.

And Ebony – you did GREAT! You did exactly the right thing, you responded exactly right – so Brava!

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89 Comments to “What To Do When A Man Opens Up Emotionally With Feelings”

  1. 1: annNo Gravatar says:

    reading from mobile.

    Thursday, 21 May 2009 @ 9:57pm

  2. 2: JaneNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, really helpful post! Thank you.

    Thursday, 21 May 2009 @ 10:40pm

  3. 3: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    I was awaitting this post s I was afraid was part of a femenine energy men, so I feel relief now :)

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 9:19am

  4. 4: searchingwithinNo Gravatar says:

    I recognize myself as a rescuer, so this is one of the things that I struggle with.

    Thank you for the post, and question.

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 12:39pm

  5. 5: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    So can you say ‘Wow Im sorry’, or ‘wow I’m sorry to hear that..’,?

    Im guessing ‘wow, that’s great’ would not work???

    I find this really hard to do, I mean the listening part isn’t so bad, but then he finishes talking and looks at me, and I don’t say anything except some of the above and he just looks at me kinda funny…

    Maybe thats another way to tell whether or not he’s feeling safe, or looking for you to ‘solve’ his problem, ie his energy is coming to you to get something from you, rather than to simply give to you???

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 1:28pm

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I can think of this one guy in particular that is really fun to talk to and we both give each other REALLY good advice…
    and motivated each other…

    So what’s this then? are we both masculine and just getting along?

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 1:56pm

  7. 7: LexyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve haunted this blog for a while and have never commented. It’s interesting, though, bc I have just run into this situation with my man. A couple days ago, he opened up his emotions to me, I did what you said, Rory, and just yesterday we had another talk where he told me he actually WANTED me to ask him questions, to help him process his feelings, etc. He said he doesn’t feel heard or listened to when someone just nods and doesn’t then ask good follow up questions, etc. So, what does that mean? I am confused.

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 2:10pm

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OMGOD

    This new guy I am dating… He called me so many times last nite while I was on a date with another guy…

    he tried to catch me right after work but the other guy caught me first because my work was over early…

    So i spent all nite with the other guy watching movies…

    while the guy i called called me many times … I only picked up once at first and said I was spending some time with my friend… and he said do you want me to call u back and I said yeah and he did…

    He also left me a message please call me back when you get this I am So bored…

    And now this is the next day and I havent heard from him or called him back…

    I want to call him… he left a message … so that should be ok…

    I feel terrified and a little guilty…

    I am liking this guy a LOT…

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 2:36pm

  9. 9: MagsNo Gravatar says:

    What does it mean that I get annoyed when someone does this to me? When I express my feelings and my friend says, “wow, that’s a bummer.” I get very irritated at that. I want to hear something else, like maybe some advice or maybe how he/she would have handled it.

    Curious what you all think. Does this make me very masculine energy? Or feminine energy?

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 2:39pm

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I called him, he’s calling me back.

    I feel so Nervous around him… is this what I’m supposed to practice with? Is it a red flag to be so nervous??

    Somebody help I really like this guy!!!

    Heeeelp

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 2:53pm

  11. 11: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I said I miss you..

    he said: no you don’t

    I said: I swear I do

    he said: I miss you too…(pet name)!

    he said: U don’t like it when i call you that do you?

    I said: I LOVE IT!

    So this is something I noticed… he seems to miss the stuff I like and think I DON’T like stuff about him…

    like the pet name… and the missing him…

    WHy???

    I feel insecure when this happens like he “doesn’t get me”… or “i’m mean, he can’t tell I like him”

    what’s going on with this? It’s happened before with him and I feel shocked! and bad about myself like I’m not good enough at expressing…

    how does he Miss my signals… or what…

    My friend said hes not used to a Rori-girl… and he will get it…

    I hope so…

    what do you guys think about this phenomenon…

    like if he asks you… you don’t like me very much do you… am I boring you?

    Right when you’re thinking : OMG I am liking him so much!

    ??????

    Friday, 22 May 2009 @ 3:11pm

  12. 12: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, how about : I feel surprised – actually, I’m feeling super good with you right now. ??

    Is this the guy you tried the leaning-forward experiment with ? It sounds from your other posts about him like he’s trying to get back the lead and not just take what you’re offering. That feels good – like he likes you enough to want to have things Be Able to last (which might not be the case if he just received and woudl drop you when he’s done). Let Him row the boat.

    (However, calling back because he’s bored doesn’t feel so good to me. I’d feel better with a better reason or even a specific request with no reason than “whine I’m bored – amuse me”.) Go Diva – he’s the one s’posed to amuse You!

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 2:10am

  13. 13: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,
    I feel really inspired by your experiences with these guys.I feel so motivated to keep on dating and just opening up and enjoying myself…..It feels good to know that circular dating opens so much about ourselves and for i feel that its so important since i have been mostly a closed person and my experiences with men in the past has been awful….I feel more at ease now and i feel it when a man notices me when i walk across him…i even smile sometimes….I would never feel as though guyz noticed me in the past…
    I am still struggling with meeting guyz on real dates…Its been mostly online and practicing with opening up with that for now….I feel hopeful that soon i will feel more comfortable with real dates and lots of them…I feel i can move on to that now…

    Well this post is really great and as Search within pointed out, i am also a classic Rescuer always trying to help out….And Rori is spot on with the advice…

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 6:43am

  14. 14: MargaretNo Gravatar says:

    Just wondering how this feels practically after marriage?

    Margaret

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 12:34pm

  15. 15: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Flipper! I was actually thinking that about the “I’m bored” thing too… I guess like my friend said he’s not used to the Rori thing yet. However I felt really relieved he was not mad… he called 8 times! (but never obsessively in a row… just at 30 min or an hour apart). How cute…

    Ok so now I feel less nervous with him. He’s actually made some moves on me. Now he talked about how girls in the past might take advantage of his kindheartedness and think of him as just their friend (not sure about that in what way exactly)… and also that he doesn’t care what his girl does just as long as she comes back to him … saying Not Me but just in general…etc… and he knows i don’t want to be a girlfriend etc…

    But now Im struggling because I feel like I should date only him because I really like him. I also feel like dating other guys and even like having sex with them (experimenting – I haven’t been having much sex until now).

    Soo I feel triggered in NEW ways like feeling NOT-LONELY for once. And now feeling like I should just be with him or date others. For the record I’m gonna at least officially date others… till marriage on table time.

    I also feel sometimes like he’s PRETTIER than me. He is so sexy and I met him online and saw pictures of his exes and they are pretty. And I’m feeling like maybe i’m not pretty all the way and for example I don’t want him to see my feet up close until my nails are all done…

    It feels interesting now that men feel All so Different to me now. Like each one is inetersting. Also I’m doing a great job of being in MY feelings and leaning back and aslo Keeping IT Light.

    He leans back a lot, we just lay. Today he layd his head on my chest and tummy while we watched a movie on his Ipod. I felt worried like am I not leaning back? But I was… and it felt so good. And I was playing in his hair focusing on what felt good to me. And I felt really good. Is it ok for him to lean back too? or should I expect him to always be thinking and doing stuff for me? Haha I feel unused to it (fun dating with men I like). I’m sure it’s fine because it felt good.

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 4:55pm

  16. 16: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tracy – I am a classic rescuer turned around. I don’t even remember how to do that anymore (except when I feel triggered). I used to Consciously take on people’s burdens and tell myself I must be an Angel in their lives.

    Ok I just had the wrong approach… now I feel so laid back and you know what I don’t feel like I’m any less of an angel… but more… I’m helping them MORE when I say No and I feel SO RELIEVED right now this moment that I can say this with honesty.

    Circular Dating is all about opening up my LIFE and getting to All that I Want which is Joy and Feeling good.

    Omgosh it rocks. It’s all about me! Like honestly right now it just feels like I can do it with any reasonably good man, easily, becuase I feel so good!

    BTW saw an awesome movie with an awesome LEAN BACK,,, (and forward only as a ROCKSTAR) Siren protagonist. It’s called My Best Friend’s Girl!

    I so loved it and how it went with what we learn, and how when we’re Goddesses, NO GUY, not even a professional Asshole, can help but fall for us… no matter what he acts like… or how much he is an asshole, he’s still falling for us when we are a Goddess.

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 4:59pm

  17. 17: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    PS – My guy told him I started him saying I feel. He now was saying “I feel sleepy” instead of I’m sleepy. He is very feelingy I think…

    Anyways I jsut smiled. And smiled at him and then looked at my toes… which I haven’t let him see close up becuase I feel embarssed their not done, but I had my feet up and I love my toes so I enjoyed looking at them myself… haha… which felt really amusing to me cuz he kept tryna look at them from a distance cuz he knows i don’t want him to see them… hehehe… soon I’ll do them and feel comfortable showing him.

    He said “when/why? did you start saying I feel?” I said… “I started doing it on purpose, but now it comes naturally” I felt triggered and he could tell a little…

    but I realized it’s just a trigger and relaxed in it, and realized in a few seconds my answer was the total truth.

    Because after all I’m just reading some stuff and I”M THE ONE DOING THIS…

    which is pretty cool…

    like no body is bashing me on the head… like USE FEELING MESSAGES… LEAN BACK… I AM THE ONE DOING IT… cuz I want to… cuz I realize it works… and cuz it feels good…

    and only I have the power to actually CHOOSE and DO these things…

    the way only I would have the power to implement any advice or inspiration in my life…

    So just cuz im getting it here… instead of maybe a knowledgeable friend… doesn’t take away that I AM THE ONE DOING THIS FOR ME

    Whew feels kinda good… still a little touchy…

    I feel goood and relaxed…

    I can’t believe I can just sit in the car with him for hours… or just sit in the car and feel calm yay…

    I feel so relaxed.

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 5:06pm

  18. 18: NeliaNo Gravatar says:

    Ebony : Great question!

    Rori : “(Okay, let’s face it, usually we could handle it better, and it’s just SO nice when he handles something great…)” Hysterical! Love it!

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 8:09pm

  19. 19: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Since this is the latest post I’ll ask this here. Rori I tried to make a post on “Don’t Walk on Eggshells and it shows…Your comment is awaiting moderation

    Why? I’ve only saw that once before when I made my first post. I’m feel confused.

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 10:03pm

  20. 20: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Now this is really confusing the post above went straight through.

    Saturday, 23 May 2009 @ 10:03pm

  21. 21: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,
    I am really glad you are enjoying circular dating.I am struggling with it and especially with opening up but i feel hopeful that i am making small baby steps.I feel that most times my fear especially for the future gets in my way….i feel afraid of what these men will think of me or if we’l have a relationship or if i will like them……
    I have two dates next week and i feel excited about meeting these guyz but afraid of the outcome….
    I actually realize now that men do sense our fears and expectations and i learnt recently that i need to understand where my fears are coming from and work from there…
    I feel happy though that i can embrace my fear and accept it.It feels more hopeful and its a process i am learning to work through….
    Thanks Daria for sharing your experience.It does give me hope that i can make it….

    Sunday, 24 May 2009 @ 6:56am

  22. 22: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies, daria I’m really happy to read ur progress, ur energy does indeed feel lighter and happier. Its really good to see what consistency can do. I feel frustratd w myself for not being consistent , I feel regretful that I have let my life slip from my control. I feel very lonely n unacceptd n judged. I feel behind n like the back of the class. I feel heavy. I told my guy that I have some feelings I need to express n askd him to choose the time that works for him. he got angry and said that I always,.

    Sunday, 24 May 2009 @ 9:31am

  23. 23: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Want to talk. I don’t feel that was true but I said nothing else. The next mornin we had sex n kind of suggestd that that should solve my problems. Of course it didn’t. We still haven’t talkd about what I been feeln. His sister invitd me n him to a bbq, I said I don’t want to go cuz I don’t want to deal w his mothers attitude and be stuck. He didn’t push it but I’m just annoyd today n I don’t know y. I wish I was somewhere else having a picnic for two or driving around to find a beach. Good news, though, i

    Sunday, 24 May 2009 @ 9:37am

  24. 24: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Cleaned out my closet n drawers, got rid of a lot of things that I never want to wear again, cleared more room for me to breathe in and exercise in. I was really excitd. My guy called n I missed it. He called hours later when I was done n watchd two good movies n he said u don’t miss me, I said yes I do. He invitd me to come over n I came. I wasn’t sure if its leaning forward but I did want company so I went. No big deal right?

    Sunday, 24 May 2009 @ 9:42am

  25. 25: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just read a newsletter that was promoting a book on how to heal from a breakup.

    This really stood out to me:

    “Grieve like a widow so you can feel your pain without judging it”

    Sunday, 24 May 2009 @ 11:02pm

  26. 26: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    It does feel great to circular date.I feel that when i open up to other men around me,flirt and talk to people i focus less on my thoughts and fears and instead enjoy the present and the love it presents.I feel happy even when feeling sad.I feel settled inspite of the fears i have…
    To me it feels like looking at the world in a different light…
    I even realize that i actually enjoy the experience of being with different men abit more.I am less judgemental and less picky and i find something exciting in almost everyone i talk to.I feel less angry and i react less abruptly…I listen more keenly and i feel more secure about myself and who i am….
    thanks rori..

    Monday, 25 May 2009 @ 11:59am

  27. 27: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tracy that feels awesome to hear!

    I find the same… I am having an easier time Getting Curious about others.

    Monday, 25 May 2009 @ 12:02pm

  28. 28: BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I have just found your work here and love it. This post in particularly makes it easy for me to see why some emotional moments have been so key for me in relationships, and some were awkward and bad. I will know how to handle it next time.

    Daria – in a previous post comment you mentioned an e-book I would be interested in reading. How can I contact you if I can get a copy?

    Monday, 25 May 2009 @ 3:39pm

  29. 29: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria….feeling so excited about this new me….

    Monday, 25 May 2009 @ 11:08pm

  30. 30: BabyGirl, NCNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    It has been a little while since my guy and I have talked over the phone since the breakup. He text me this morning and said that he wanted to. I feel so happy but nervous at the same time. I only have the “Modern Sirens” tools but I am not sure how to use them in this situation. I don’t know if it’s ok to talk about how I feel about him first or if I should wait till he opens up to me. I know that in the past I have often said things that made me feel good but then yucky later on because I felt that I laid too much of myself on the line. I don’t want to feel that way tonight! I want to be strong, confident and know what is subject appropriate in a 30 to 40 minuet conversation for this kind of situation? Memorial Day just passed and I don’t want the bulk of our conversation to be superficial, talking about what we did over the weekend! Yet, I don’t know what is appropriate to discuss. Who knows when the next time we will actually talk on the phone??? I feel desperate, nervous, and excited all at the same time! Shouldn’t the conversation hold some weight to it? Whether it be about feelings, his and mine, about me dating other men, or should it be about where the relationship is now or where it is going! I just don’t know and I don’t want to screw this up this rare opportunity!!! So please Rori, please tell me what to do/say when he calls me? Thanks!

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 6:10am

  31. 31: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    So i’ve been practicing speaking my feelings more with my guy of 7yrs. I guess I didn’t really how much I spoke from my head until I started trying to speak from my heart. It is really difficult for me to say how I feel to him or any body really, I used to just say what I think it means to me. So this weekend, we finally talked and I told him that I feel unsure about the future and that i love him but I want the whole thing, and I don’t feel comfortable staying around if marriage is not in the future because I know that I won’t feel good about that. I told him I still feel really guilty about telling him no in the past but i wasn’t ready and I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t be honest about how I feel. I told him I don’t want to feel bad about that anymore because I have had to deal with some horrible truths in the past and I had to eat them because they were real. I told him that I feel ready to be a wife and a mother and that I know I would be great at both. I should have ended the topic but he pushed me a little by making a comment about my father and then asking me if the reason that I wanted to be married was to “prove something to his family”. I got so pissed that I made so really awful comments that are the truth but really inappropriate about his mother. He got really angry, of course. He asked me to leave. I told him I don’t want to leave right now. I apologized to him for saying those things in feeling messages “I feel really sorry for saying that to you, it was inappropriate but I felt really defensive and I’m tired of being attacked and judged by her and I felt angry.” He went into a rampant and I just stood there, firm, listening and making eye contact with him. He said why don’t you ever tell me what they say to you. I said “i don’t know. I don’t want to start drama.” He said “you are my girl and I don’t won’t let them say anything to hurt you but you have to tell me.” I said “ok”, “i feel really loved and protected right now, but I don’t want you to say anything to her please”.

    I felt some real progress and I was really happy about the conversation. I still intend to circular date which to me means: making eye contact, flirting, accepting compliments and exchanging numbers even if they never call me and I don’t intend to call them. That’s all I can take in right now.

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 11:24am

  32. 32: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Cookie – I feel intrigued and interested listening to your journeys – thank you for sharing.

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 11:33am

  33. 33: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    COOKIE THAT SOUNDS SO STRONG AND POWERFUL.

    OMG YOU SAID THE MOST AWESOME THINGS!!!

    I LOVE how you said I don’t want to leave right now!!! That was cool!

    And I really like how he started to want to protect you….

    YES!! I feel so inspired… woohoo

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 11:55am

  34. 34: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie,

    WOW!!! That’s great!!!! I absolutely love how he stepped up for you and that feels so great!!!!!!!!! Yay-and I feel so happy and awed by how you stood there and listened while he spewed -WOW

    WOW!!!!!

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 2:44pm

  35. 35: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ladies for giving me some positive reinforcement. I feel moved.

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 8:20pm

  36. 36: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    wow cookie..that’s great….this goes to show me that when you truly speak from the heart,a man will always respond in a way that feels right.I feel so happy for you…thanks for sharing.

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 10:49pm

  37. 37: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie,
    What u just posted made me wonder about how i am going about expressing my true feelings to those around me.I feel that most of the time i feel afraid to speak honestly because i fear the outcome or maybe the rejection.That things may not go my way and this in my mind translates to a rejection.I realize that for me to speak honestly i have to be strong enough to be able to accept the outcome in a way that does not make me feel rejected when i hear a no..I know that,but putting it into practice is where i get stuck…
    I feel stuck when i want to express my feelings in an honest way and in a way i feel that i am ready to accept whatever outcome there may be….

    Tuesday, 26 May 2009 @ 11:41pm

  38. 38: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie I feel so happy for you :) :) :)

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 7:35am

  39. 39: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, Im kinda riffing, I was feeling bad earlier, then better, now bad again, sorta…

    Im feeling crappy.I feel really triggered. I remember the 5 hr. guy saying he couldn’t meet Monday b/c he was going back home, so I agreed to meet Sunday night. At the end of the date, he asked me about my plans for Mon. night-I told him I was going Tango dancing, and he asked if he could join me, Well I asked him if he would be in town and he said he was leaving Tuesday morning, so I said ‘yes, that would feel nice…’ I got a few texts Monday afternoon, but nothing about meeting and no call that night. I went dancing just as I had planned, but he didn’t show up..and I feel kinda weird…I don’t know, I don’t know if I technically got stood up or not, but I feel confused. I can hear a nasty voice in my head saying ‘you fool, he only came for one thing…’ This VERY POWERFUL angry voice is screaming at me that Im fooling myself, that of course he only came for 1 thing…that he used me, and that I was stupid to think anything else could have been going on, that he left just like the others when they didn’t get what they wanted…its saying ‘you fool, you got played…”

    And wow, I feel triggered b/c I was listening to the compliments and they seemed so over the top and I remember thinking ‘men use these when they want to sleep with a girl…’ And now the lyrics to the song from Annie “I Cain’t Say No’ is going through my head…sposin’ that he says at yur lips er like cherries, er roses, er berries, whatcha gonna do?…”

    Oh I feel like a fool….

    And a man does what he wants, so he didn’t come b/c he didn’t want to…

    And part of me feels like this happened b/c I broke my own rule & met with him the same day he asked me out…but mostly b/c I stayed longer than I wanted to …& b/c I said I had to get up the next morning instead of just being honest and saying ‘I feel like leaving and going home now…’ And I feel embarrassed b/c he took a few pictures and in 2 of them we kissed, and now I feel scared that Im gonna be some joke among his buddies, and I feel terrified that they could wind up ANYWHERE….the pictures aren’t raunchy, but I still feel awful, embarrassed, and foolish…

    I feel sto terrible,,Im gonna have to sink into this and riff..I feel sad and head achy and awful (and slightly slutty about the pictures)…now I gonna have to come up with a boundary around a F#@!ing camera, and I feel pissed…this feels like f%$#@ing BS-I feel so bad, and sad, and angry, and crappy, and triggered….

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 12:02pm

  40. 40: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    And now I got a text after 2 days, says ‘it felt so good and warm to have met you, I miss your company, Im back at work now, have a good wed.” lol-I didn’t reply b/c I was working, and then I chk my email and I’ve got 1 from him saying ‘Dear Robin, good luck with all your endeavors, I hope all your wishes come true.’

    Ok now Im like wtf…I wrote back..’thank you for your kind words, it feels good to read uplifting and encouraging words. ditto to you.’

    I haven’t relied to the text, and I guess I will later, or maybe I won’t after all…

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 12:06pm

  41. 41: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome, BabyGirl – and here’s my advice – write down some speeches – Passion Speeches where you share how good you feel about what you’re doing in the world that has NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. Don’t talk about the relationship at all unless he brings it up. The only appropriate thing for you to have been doing since the breakup is dating other men. You don’t have to talk about it…but that has to be understood by YOU. Prepare in advance to talk about yourself in a deep way – about what’s great in your life. Your job is to have a great life to talk about! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 1:17pm

  42. 42: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Blue – Welcome – I look forward to more of your comments…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 1:21pm

  43. 43: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Mags, welcome and – what an interesting question! Most people are so happy to be heard and don’t really want to hear advice. Try asking for advice, ask what people think…see if that works…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 1:28pm

  44. 44: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lexy, Welcome and GREAT question…you and this man have just opened up a dialogue. He’s asking you for curiosity, interest, etc…but here’s the caution –most of us go severely overboard. We are so focused on a man that we’re not just curious and interested – we’re focusing ALL our energy on him. What he’s asking from you is a sort of “coach-like” place to be. Try Listening at Level 2 (it’s in the ebook) – and then speaking more – like wow…what’s that like? and wow…how did that go? …in other words, you’re just “furthering” the conversation rather than the dreaded “advice-giving.” Let us know what happens. This is how you get and stay connected. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 1:32pm

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know about this one.

    In my experience it depends on the man.

    I feel really good giving advice and asking it back and forth with this one guy.

    I like Mags also feel annoyed when I tell ppl my problems an they say “oh bummer.”

    I really don’t know if men would want us to never give advice. That seems awkward especially if our advice is good. I am going to experiment being quiet in this situation and also perhaps asking if he wants my advice, or else giving the advice in a … this is what I would do way… the way we do here.

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 3:25pm

  46. 46: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Blue what e-book was it? I can tell u where to find it.

    If it’s the Mama Gena one you can get it for about 8 dollars at the mamagenas.com

    If it’s Enchanted World you can get that for free at dragonrising.com

    If it was the Extended Massive Orgasm one, that’s not an e-book, it’s a real book with only bits of pieces available on line on amazon and google book seller previews.

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 3:28pm

  47. 47: BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I would need to look back through the posts again for the exact title. It was something like Releasing The Dragon, or Unleashing. You mentioned that it was an older book so maybe it’s not for sale any longer.

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 3:54pm

  48. 48: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I had a dinner date with a guy just like in this post. He spent every minute talking about his thoughts and feelings about the universe and politics and religion, all his also sad stuff he’d gone through years ago, tragically losing a child. I listened at level two. I didn’t offer advice or suggestions or pity. But it went on for hours, with him never even but once asking me what my feelings were about anything. I tried to interject with a feeling message, as in, when he asked my reaction to his talking endlessly, usually it feels better when the conversation goes more two way, up and back, I said smiling. He just said, you did try to speak didn’t you, but I interrupted. Then I sat listening for another hour.
    I felt awful, he was so emotional at times, but I also felt uncomfortable and well, bored.
    He texted me the next day he misses me. I didn’t respond. It was our first date, we went out twice a couple of years ago. How do you walk away from someone so heartfelt?

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 6:13pm

  49. 49: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – I’m so glad you spoke up – but next time do it in the first 15 minutes, and if it doesn’t get better – go home. Don’t sit through stuff like this – it’s about PRACTICE remember. You want to learn to say the truth for you as soon as you can recognize it. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 May 2009 @ 11:55pm

  50. 50: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    so now, another guy. had a great dinner, he seems to be ready to step up, has emotional muscle, I think. he calls and leaves a message about how he’s thinking to proceed with me, as he lives far away, I know, another one, if he;’s ready to make a plan etc. but he wants to talk. do I call him back, or wait until he tries me again? I really don’t like calling men, but times I am hard to reach.

    Thursday, 28 May 2009 @ 6:05pm

  51. 51: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and on the subject of giving advice, what do we do when we are with a guy on adate, he is driving, and compleetly misses the turn. I know we are not supposed to give directions, but this guy was so spaced out and I wanted to get home.
    ps different guy than above

    Thursday, 28 May 2009 @ 6:06pm

  52. 52: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Call him back. Plan out a great feeling message speech about your wonderful life….Rori Lean WAY back (lie down on the floor if you have to, and get really comfy…)

    Thursday, 28 May 2009 @ 8:15pm

  53. 53: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Linda G, lol in the past I would sit there and let him figure it out, but that only seems to work if you’re not in a hurry lol, for example on Sunday the guy got lost, and I got impatient and pissed off, so if you feel that, maybe a feeling message, ‘I feel so frustrated, impatient, angry, Im feeling so tired, and my exit is back there…??? I don’t know, that’s such a great question, I’ve wondered the same thing too….

    I felt so bad after the email from the guy who came 5 hours to my town saying he wished me the best of luck in the future..

    I got a text 2 hour earlier that he enjoyed meeting me and that he missed me…

    I couldn’t respond right away, and a couple of hours later I got that email. I responded with a message wishing him the same, and replied to his text that I enjoyed meeting him and missed him also, but I felt bad-I wasn’t sure if he just wasn’t interested of if I had given him the impression that I wasn’t interested, I mean I didn’t even thank him for driving to my city(I was planning to Monday…) and sent him another message thanking him for coming, that I enjoyed his company, that it was unfortunate we didn’t get to go dancing on Monday, and that it would feel good to see him again. His response was as follows,

    ‘Yes I was wondering how come I never heard from you about Monday & dance or afterwards.

    On Monday i met my uncle again as he wished to see me again, and in evening, I was with couple of medical students (friends of my cousin)

    Honestly, i thought it was just me texting or calling … and was still waiting for a notion of desire to meet from you side.

    Yes it would feel so good to see your smile again, You are most welcome to visit me & may be we can go dancing then.’

    And I really like this guy, but I don’t feel comfortable driving this far so early on, and I don’t want him to get the impression that Im not interested, but honestly it just feels better to me to not make so much effort at this time, because it makes me feel like Im pursuing him. I just feel weird calling and texting men at first, and Im not even sure at what point it would feel ok to me, as Im not exclusive with this guy, Im dating him along with several others, but he happened to live 5 hours away, and I happen to like him the best

    Should I just spell it out to him like I just did?…Im trying to treat all of the men Im dating the same, but is that possible when one lives so far away. I don’t like driving to men, it really makes me feel like I pursuing…

    So how do you handle a long distance guy in your rotation??? How do you do that? Especially if you like him?

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 10:49am

  54. 54: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    When I became interested in aguy who lived far away, I told him, I feel more comfortable when a man comes to see me, and explained it was one of my boundaries. He was cool with that, saying he respected my boudaries and my feelings.

    If you make the trip, you will get angry at yourself along the way andf not have a good time.Plus, you will have to do the trip repeatedly.
    Sometimes I think I am attracted to the guy who is far away for just that reason: he’s far away and it’s easier for me.
    He was raelly cute though, I tell ya.
    PS remember what Rori says, a guy does what he wants, We don’t have to feel grateful for his attention, or his driving to us.

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 11:21am

  55. 55: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Robin I would SO not drive. Basically you already gave him “the benefit of the doubt” by agreeing to meet with him again that one day.

    Since he’s saying he thinks he was just doing the texting and calling… etc…

    it sounds like he’s not trying to pursue. As crazy as it seems sometimes they pursue more when they think we’re NOT interested. So you reassuring him repeatedly about your interest is not really helping.

    You Are interested. That’s already a gift to him. It’s up to him to open the gift. You don’t have to shove the gift at him.

    I would NOT drive. I feel angry at his message. Sounds like he’s handing you the oars. It feels bad to me to hear that you like him, as personally I would at this time be “downgrading” him while “upgrading” myself in my mind. He sounds like he’s not willing to do the job right now.

    BTW your message sounded LOVELY. If you want to give him another chance, I would tell him that:

    I really like this you, and I don’t feel comfortable driving this far so early on, and I don’t want you to get the impression that Im not interested, but honestly it just feels better to me to not make so much effort at this time, because it makes me feel like Im pursuing you. I just feel weird calling and texting men at first, and Im not even sure at what point it would feel ok to me…

    I really like the part about i’m not sure at what point it would feel ok to me… that sounds really authentic to me because I also think about this… at some point it feels ok to call/text but its not a set in stone point… and sometimes it will Not feel ok after it has felt ok…etc.

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 12:14pm

  56. 56: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Daria is so right!
    If a man needs you to convince him, he’s showing he is needy.
    In fact, I just had a conversation with a guy who expressed uncertainty about my reaction to our date. I told him in feeling messages it felt good to be with him, etc and that he hadn’t heard from me because I feel uncomfortable calling men. and I do, very uncomfortable.
    I find when a guy makes the move, it’s his move and something he wants. Past telling him once, I would not keep reassuring him, it feels yucky.
    and so I am blabbing now..

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 1:08pm

  57. 57: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I do feel pissed (and disappointed ) with that last part about ‘you’re more than welcome to visit and maybe we can go dancing then…’ and also the part about ‘I was wondering why I never heard from you…’ I was kinda thrown off, like ‘was I supposed to call you?’

    Daria, yes it did feel like he was just handing me the oars, that’s exactly what it felt like….

    This whole thing makes me feel like Im still attracting (and attracted to) toxic men, or men who just don’t wanna row the damn boat…now Im feeling REALLY pissed….

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 2:40pm

  58. 58: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Linda G, I forgot about that part that a man does what he wants, so that tells me that if ha had wanted to come Monday, he would have made a way to be there, and the same with if he wanted to see me again, REALLY wanted to see me again, he would be making plans and setting it in motion….

    And yes, it feels weird telling a guy more than once that you’re interested, it does come across that he’s needy, and that feels bad too…

    My sister told me ‘well he did come to see you-maybe its b/c he’s foreign, and they have different viewpoints..’ But honestly, I don’t feel like chasing a man, even if he IS foreign and is used to it…I’ve tried to stay open to different perspectives, cultures, etc, but the concept of NOT chasing men seems universal to me…

    Oh and a male friend of mine asked me today about women, and we got on the subject and I mentioned this to him and he says Im being too difficult, and that ‘yeah this guy is interested, otherwise he wouldn’t have invited you…you need to give a little too…’

    Really? Are you Serious??

    OMG I FEEL SO FRUSTRATED…………….

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 3:00pm

  59. 59: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    You give back…the waterwheel….

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 3:01pm

  60. 60: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t feel frustrated. Just turn your back and seek out other men. He will come around.
    Even if your guy friend tells you that, if it’s not what you want to do, don’t do it. Some men are just feminine in that way.
    The guy that gets lost when we drive is like that. And you know, in just a few days, one date and two phone calls, he is zapping emotional energy from me.

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 3:08pm

  61. 61: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    make yourself the hard to get one, not him

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 3:09pm

  62. 62: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    so I called the guy back who wanted to talk, a day after our first date.
    he said he thought perhaps I didn’t like him as I did not respond right away, but that he had intended to call me again anyway.
    this goes to that if he wants to get you, he will step up, if he has the muscle
    I won’t call again. let’s see what he does now

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 3:50pm

  63. 63: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Hello my beautiful siren goddess friends. I’ve been away from the computer for the past 3 days. I missed you ladies altho I was reading through mobile.

    First let me say for all of you who are upset, hurt, angry etc… big hugs. I hope you feel better soon. I hope this post gives you some encouragement and support.

    I feel FANTASTIC right now. Let me share how the past few days have been for me. Tuesday night I took a relax night meaning I pulled out a book I’d bought earlier in the year and reread it. I REALLY investigated it, I underlined passages I wanted to be able to find quickly. Then I put somethings in place I’d read from it.

    The book is called “Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo.” As I’ve said before I use many different ways to help me on my journey. Marie and Rori teach along the same lines so it works good together. One of Marie suggestions is to share what you’ve learned to help other woman to live up to the irrestibility that’s already a part of them. Hope to share several things as I’m around the computer tonight.

    On Wednesday at 5:30 p.m my daughter and I decided to play one of Maries games. We call this game “A complaint free zone” It’s actually one of Marie’s action challenges. It’s played like this. “Become a complaint free zone for a day. We did it for 24 hours can start at any time. It’s a fun game to bring awareness to how much we complain. It can be played alone or with friends. For one day don’t complain about anything. Including the weather, your body, men, work, co workers, politics, money etc… Anytime we catch ourselves complaining mentally or out loud we’d remind each other. By simply saying “You’re in a complaint free zone” and just dropping it. We giggled so much at some of the things we were fussing about lol

    This game felt great to play we had a blast with it and were made aware that we complain more than we’d like to lol

    We went and visited a male friend that night. We had so much fun by staying in the moment.We were still laughing so hard when it was bedtime. It felt good to just be in the moment.

    This book talks about speaking your truth from your heart in a non judgemental way. Not judging/blaming ourself or others.

    Thursday my granddaughter had a softball game scheduled. We love her softball season. About 3 hours before the game started it begin raining(ughhh we’ve seen so much rain this month) my daughter kept checking with the league director to see if the game was still on. It would rain for a few minutes then quit, then do it again. The rain wasn’t even showing on the radar. The director kept saying they’re going to play, it might be “mud ball tonight tho lol” He was worried about the humidity if the sun came back out.

    Finally about 90 minutes before the game I said(Thanks again Daria) “I wanted it to be cloudy and clear. Angels can you help me with that? Thank you God and angels in advance.” My daughter was saying something along the lines of the rain going away. Told her to say it the above way. It was sprinkling rain on our way to the field but guess what? By the time we pulled up there the rain was gone. It was clear and cloudy and stayed that way. The won 18-4.

    What am I sharing about the game. 2 reasons one to help remind us what others share might help in our journey and 2 because we had a great time there. I stayed in the moment.

    Ladies a guy walked up to our dugout with another guy I know. OMGoodness he was eye candy personified lol I spoke to the guy I knew teasing him and eye candy smiled and join in, now that felt really good.

    I practice “the walk” out there around all those men. I only had one drawback with that tho lol. When I was younger I was head over heels in love with a guy. Well guess what his granddaughter is on my granddaughter’s ball team this year. I stay away from him altho, I have no trouble talking to his son.

    Well I was walking through there last night and for some reason I glanced his way. We locked eyes, finally I adverted my eyes. I don’t play around this man. He had me too wrapped. I told my daughter later and she said you should of kept walking through in front of him. Call me chicken but my response was “Oh NO” she said just don’t look at him lol

    After the game the coach took the girls that wanted to go and their family for ice cream. When we left there we road around a bit, then came home. After eating again the 3 of us girls played UNO till 5 a.m. we had a BLAST.

    I have felt a totally different energy from myself and the men I’ve came in contact the last few days. I hope to share some more things from this book that go along with this blog through out the night. But this particular post in long enough lol

    Friday, 29 May 2009 @ 4:10pm

  64. 64: BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – The ebook you offered it called Rousing The Lion. It’s older and I don’t see it mentioned anywhere else. How can I get the pdf from you?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:40am

  65. 65: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Blue:
    try this link
    http://reviewnow.info/cb.php?t=SOULTOUCH

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:55am

  66. 66: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Did you find the book, Blue? I have that book and its good…haven’t looked at in a while…

    Linda G, have you read it through yet? I only read bits and pieces of it…

    I can’t find the original link anymore either :(

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 8:37am

  67. 67: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think at one point Rori was maybe going to comment on it but she wound up not doing that.

    Because I had asked some question about the language we use… the book says to use certain words that trigger men in a positive way… like success, control, something like that…

    but it seemed the opposite of feeling messages

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 9:32am

  68. 68: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    Ann,
    What I coincidence I got that book and took many of Marie’s teleseminars, she is amaizing!!

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 10:17am

  69. 69: BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Robin – No, I haven’t found the book I was asking about. Haven’t really had an answer from anyone about it. I know I’m new. Did you like it? It sounds like the opposite of what I’ve been readng and I would like to hear the other side.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 6:15pm

  70. 70: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t read Rousing the Lion, but I found the link I put above. I just read it through, the synopsis and pitch. It sounds wild, a bit manipulative. what does anyone think of the book?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 6:35pm

  71. 71: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Linda G I haven’t read the book. I did click the link you provided above. Parts of what I read there felt interesting but mostly it felt like alot of hype.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 6:40pm

  72. 72: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Symantha, is there anything that really stands out for you from the book?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 6:42pm

  73. 73: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Ann, I just went onto Marie’s site and downloaded the mp3’s and ebooks. They look fun to read.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 6:56pm

  74. 74: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Linda G please share what you learn. Hubby is on medical leave with no income coming in so can’t afford anything right now.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:00pm

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I read the book it felt very interesting and yes a bit manipulative. It still felt interesting. I would like to see what Rori thinks of it…

    it’s more about how to communicate with a man using words from “male primitive vocabulary” (think hunter) like… power, success, strength, focus, dominant etc…

    it does seem like the opposite of Rori’s work where we use feminine feeling words…

    Blue I believe Linda G gave the link to it above

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:02pm

  76. 76: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    so far I downloaded tons of free stuff from Marie’s site. Have you done that as well?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:04pm

  77. 77: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, the part that struck me was one of the quotes from a woman who said thanks for teaching her to get her husband to do stuff when he was drunk.
    I love the Cleopatra bit, but the hypnosis? what’s that all about?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:07pm

  78. 78: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Actually Linda G I didn’t know there was anything free there. Can you share the link? I was confused who you were talking about at first but I’d love to have more of Marie Forleo stuff.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:09pm

  79. 79: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    Personally, I feel more comfortable doing the Rori Raye girlie stuff. It suits me better.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:10pm

  80. 80: Linda GNo Gravatar says:

    sure, Ann:
    http://www.makeeverymanwantyou.com/
    click on the free resources tab at the top, just under the title, a window will pop up and you sign up from there.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:13pm

  81. 81: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Linda G I’m going to see what I missed.

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 7:15pm

  82. 82: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ann… the hypnosis part in Rousing the Lion is kind of cool…

    i guess it’s talking in a kind of lean back voice, while asking him to picture being in a relaxing place, and get him to really feel like he’s there by asking him what stuff looks, feels like, smells like etc.

    Something I thought was interesting from the book was the idea that it is very important for men to have like a mission and accomplishments… (I read something about the mission from another dating guy’s stuff too)…

    And so if you meet him at a party for example… you want to ask him about his successes… and then have him think of future successes… for example what do you do… oh you’re a doctor… oh that feels interesting… what do you consider would be a success in your field… oh saving someone’s life oh thats cool… well … suppose you got really good at that and you saved someone’s life… waht would be successful after… oh to develop a new way to help even more people… that’s awesome… yeah that would feel amazing… so now lets say you did that… you would feel really successful… wow that would feel amazing and Powerful (key word)… what would really be something that would make you feel successful at that point?

    oh that feels so INTERESTING… i feel absoluetly inspired… hey im gonna grab a drink with my girlfriend… see you! (and you leave at a high point)

    So in this way you are guiding HIM to imagine more and more stuff that HE WANTS for himself that maybe without your questions he would be unable or afraid to actually clarify and imagine. IN fact maybe he hadn’t even thought of it before… so he really sees u as amazing because now he has found stuff about himself..! And you triggered it… and then you leave (very important) and so he’s triggered to want more of you…

    I also liked how he talks about telling stories using sexuallly suggestive words in a non-sexual context… and i guess he does kinda say to describe things very detailed (like how they feel, smell, taste, etc)…

    Ex: Oh I would love a vacation at the beach… last time at the beach it felt sooo good to lay on my back (sexual imagery) in the sun… and feel the waves of the ocean pounding and pounding (sexual imagery) on the shore… I felt so hot (s. i.) and the water got my feet wet (s. i) and i felt amazing….

    so when you get in the habit of this the man will feel hypnotized and mesmerized and aroused basically entranced but without realizing why…

    Rori please read and comment what do you think?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 9:24pm

  83. 83: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I could see myself doing the last example. I have a mischievous streak lol

    I’ve been investigating lately. I’ve noticed things I’m practicing and how men react. I’ve thought about all the different things I’ve read and came up with some conclusions of my own.

    My top 5 list of what I feel men notice about women:

    1. How much a woman is enjoying her life in the moment. How comfortable she is with herself.
    2. How much you’re enjoying yourself in his presence. Are you happy around/with him?
    3. There’s a emotional connection.
    4. There’s a physical attraction.
    5. How he feels in a women’s presence. Does it feel good to be around a particular women?

    Saturday, 30 May 2009 @ 9:59pm

  84. 84: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Blue-the website I used is http://www.emotionaldoorway.com It looks like a different offer than when I got it.

    I would also love to hear what Rori has to say about this book-I stopped reading it, and I haven’t finished it, I will need to finish it sometime soon..

    Sunday, 31 May 2009 @ 3:47pm

  85. 85: kateNo Gravatar says:

    hi

    I had a weird experience today.

    My husband is away on meetings, i have not called him and have not called since starting the rori programme. He called me tonight so upset, why i dont care?why i dont care? there is a massive problem with us or me? i was so stumped….. i said i did not want to make you feel upset, i feel confussed by you thinking i dont care, i tried to draw him away from the fact that i had not called. He is so shocked that i am not calling and i can’t tell him why.

    In a marriage is this a trigger for him to express himself/find me, he was really upset and quite angry. Do i tell him i love him, would a siren or goddess feel this need, on some level i felt like laughing and on another i felt bad for him. I would always ring to see how meetings went or where he was on the motorway, last couple of weeks i have not called him apart from once or twice (kids arrangements or problems at home with electrics etc) i have not called for a chat or ask when he will be home. He has responded by calling me, finding me, chasing me BUT he is getting pissed and nervous.

    Rori is this time for the real heart to heart, if so i dont want to be all mushy……. after the affair and years of emotional detachment and loads of drama and shouting and stress, neither of us need more drama. I am a little scared that if we talk again as he keeps asking me questions that he will get fed up with i feel so lost sad mad etc so i am saying i feel so happy even though i still feel other emotions but i have become an expert at hiding them from him. I dont know i get the programme and its working he is coming to me, sex is more connected, i found my goddess, laid some boundaries, told what i dont want, i get the siren stuff, i used to be a bit of siren before i really had no cares about what others felt about me or how i behaved and i could be a magnet BUT i would stuff it up when man got close by being insecure about myself. So now i believe i am gorgous but feeling happy and free and is hard and that now feels more important than the beauty, i always would have chosen to be beautiful over cool !!!!!!!!!

    Anyhow i am nervous about ignoring his queries and yet not saying how i feel without being authentic……

    i think i need to do a speach… can i tell him how i feel love for him, i feel safe and special with him can i tell him all this? how great he has made me feel and so on as well as the bits about feeling unconnected to him and open and free which is what i really feel i want for us.

    A little guidance needed

    thanks

    kate

    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 2:11pm

  86. 86: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kate – back to basics – the TRUTH – which is (spinning it upbeat by choosing the positive feeling as much as you can as long as it’s true...) – It just feels so good to hear from you. I love being the one getting the call. Would you like me to call more often? If he says – “Yes” – then call him once a day, or once every two days.
    This is NOT A GAME. This is NOT A STRATEGY. This is about you not feeling compelled to call him – but feeling relaxed and receptive – and him calling you when he can – and you LOVING THAT and APPRECIATING his calls. Perhaps this is the missing piece for you – you giving him appreciation for calling you and stepping forward? Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:57am

  87. 87: ElcieNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question for Rori – and co. – and not sure where to leave it, but it sort of goes along with this “men and their emotions” thing. So I will post here.

    What do you do when the man is saying and doing all the things you want, but too fast?

    I have read the ebook, and done a few of the series, and I am implementing all the tools – being a siren, leaning back, the whole shebang. Some of it actually comes very easily to me. I have been able to “:circular date” many times in my life. My problem always came once I started to really like a guy – then its like I melted into a mushy mess, started leaning forward too much and doing things and being the “giver” and it ended badly. I also have a bad pattern of picking these men who are emotional messes – they have an ex who committed suicide or lose their job or whatever else going on in their life that makes them emotional messes and of course being the compassionate, feeling woman that I am, I ended up in that role of trying to take care of them and heal them.
    I recently ended one of these messy relationships – with a man who I quite honestly had the strongest, deepest, soul-connection of my life and still love, but who has shown time and time again that he simply isn’t capable of consistency or commitment of any kind – at least not right now. I have pulled back from that and am healing myself and started dating again. Using the tools and experimenting, I am definitely feeling good about it and seeing the results. However, one man came into my life who is surprising me, and I am not sure yet how I feel about it and how to handle it. i met him through an online dating site, and almost immediately he has started telling me that he is positive I am his “one” and that he wants marriage, commitment, everything. The thing is, I have been open to him and see in his heart and his eyes he really believes this. I really feel good being with him, and like him, but I am definitely not at the ” I am sure” part. I am trying to be honest and open, but I am afraid i am hurting him because he is now at the “I love you” point and I just haven’t said it back. I don’t want to unless I am sure, and really mean it. Of course, I love him in a way – I love everyone. It is easy for me to love, to care. But I don’t know yet if I love him the way he wants me to, the way he thinks he loves me. And of course, I worry that a man who is feeling and expressing this stuff too early will burn bright and fade fast.
    None of your tools or blog seem to deal with this particular issue. Usually we women are desperate for the man to commit. I do want commitment, marriage, and love that will last, but i need to take time to be sure about someone. Plus, I am still a bit in a “healing myself” phase. So, I want to know how to handle this. I like this guy, I want to keep seeing him. He is good to me and says and does all the things I have been missing and wanting, and I feel good and loved and cared for with him, but I am just not where he is. I don’t want to hurt him or lose him, so I want to know if you have advice on scripts of how to express this too him without making him feel I don’t care. I am open to seeing if i could grow to care like he does. And I also want to see if his feelings last!
    What do you think?

    Monday, 13 February 2012 @ 5:19am

  88. 88: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Elcie – I know exactly how you feel – I wasn’t sure about my husband, either. It took him a long time to “win” me (though he’d moved in after only 5 months. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to trust yourself and something. I’d go with this for at least 4-6 months, leanback, be a Siren, smile, have sex with him, and see if you can fall for him when he’s stuck with it long enough for you to believe he’s for real. In my experience, you can tell. I’ve seen this happen many, many times. He sees you, he knows it’s you, it’s on forever. Love, Rori

    Monday, 13 February 2012 @ 7:40pm

  89. 89: maxineNo Gravatar says:

    Thank God I found Rori..my 17 year relationship was dead literally one month ago and I have transformed in this short time from an emotional overfunctioning confused mess into Siren and I am starting to see the changes resonate in my guy now too! one month!!! im no where near where I want to be and he and I have a long road to mend…he has had two deep withdrawing depressions during our 17 years and I am currently riding the wave of another but I can see light now…so he had withdrew recently and I found rori at the start of it..i truly believed that was the end for us..he had withdrew like this before and i ended it both times at the end of a long heartache…but this year I watched him slowly go into himself and particularly away from me..he would treat me like i was his enemy and give nothing like we were only friends and not very good ones..he would still be a great dad and would schedule stuff outside the home but never acctually go then be angry, provoking me into arguments about how he has no life and no friends…i would just fall apart and lose myself then I’d try to make him happy..still it didn’t change hiw he felt and I’d end up wailing “I’ll never make you happy”
    WELL this time round I saw all the signs of him withdrawing and I bolstered myself and withdrew first…this sent him into a place of absolutely ignoring me flat out! our kids picked up on this awful sadness and I leaned sooo forward its embarrassing by writing him this letter basically blaming myself for his sadness and that he’d be better off without me…OMG Silly girl…that night I found Rori online and the next day I leaned back instead of withdrawing…I promused myself I’d stop Doing and no more leaning forward letters. I realised I was right! I CANNOT make him happy! and at that point just to get through the day and work I HAD to get ME happy instead…One month of all Rori tools and I can now use feeling messages on everyone i’ve got sooo good at it I told him I feel I am still on his side despite our issues and Not his enemy…the first time I shouted it I blamed him ‘you treat me like an enemy!!!’ and I told him ‘This just feels like friends to me with the absense of intimacy”
    He looked wounded and has been very slowly leaning forward bit by bit since…but as far as him showing emotions with me! wow! I always thought he was quite closed off to me but thanks to rori I now realise I was so caught up in what I imagined sharing emotions should look like that I never saw the raw emotions he had always been sharing with me all along

    Wednesday, 13 June 2012 @ 12:53pm

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