3 Types Of Men Who Aren’t Date Worthy Of You!

Here’s a great guest post from my July Interviewee Lisa Copeland.  I love Lisa (and feel like I discovered her) – you’ll want to go to her site and pick up her free stuff and read everything she’s got at http://www.FindAQualityMan.com:

3 Types of Men Who Aren’t Date Worthy of You!

by Lisa Copeland

#1 The Busy Man.  He can’t commit to you more then a few days in advance.

He’ll make plans then changes them at the last minute leaving you all alone to fend for yourself.  Or he’s busy with work or his family so he can’t commit to making plans with you more then a few days in advance. He loves spontaneity and you’ll have “the best time” when he comes through for you this way.

You’ll hope he’s changing, wanting to be with you more often because you had so much fun together.

You’ll never be able to consistently rely on this man plus you’ll always be at the bottom of his totem pole -never being a true priority for him.  You want a man that puts you and your relationship in the #1 or #2 spot on his list.  If he can’t find consistent time for you now, how will he ever find the time to plan a future with you?

#2 The Depositor.  He only calls you late at night and never makes plans to get together with you in real life.

Men love connecting with women on an emotional level and that’s what this man’s doing with out having to commit to you in anyway.  He’ll call you nightly telling you how much you mean to him and how he can’t share his thoughts and feelings this way with anyone else in his life.

When he’s done giving you his daily details, he’ll apologize for monopolizing the conversation then ask you how your day went.  That’s when you’ll hear the soft snoring begin because he’s released his day to you and now he can rest peacefully.  Sounds like another activity doesn’t it?

If this man wanted a real relationship, he’d make time for you during the day and he’d make plans to see you in person. Let another woman have this job-you deserve a man who wants to have a real physical and emotional presence in your life.

#3 The Man Child.  He pouts or gets huffy when you don’t drop everything to hang out with him.

He doesn’t recognize you each have your own lives as well as the one you’ve created together. If he could, he’d figure out a way for the two of you to be joined at the hip 24/7.  He’d never leave your side except to go to work then he’d run right home wanting to do something only with you.

Being desired by a man this way is so rare that it feels great in the beginning but over time it becomes wearing to have someone in your life who has no life without you.  You’ll discover that he’s a man who’s clingy and needy.

Watch out for these kinds of men who are out there trying to date women everyday.  If you’re dating this type of man STOP NOW!  Don’t allow yourself to settle just because you want a man in your life today.

Men like this will only take from you giving very little back.  You deserve to have a grown up man who realizes the importance of giving you both the space and the room to enjoy the life you each brought with you into the relationship.

From Rori – Lisa’s personal story is so captivating, you’ll want to know how she did what she did (so you can do it too), and her philosophy and coaching are so no-nonsense and yet kind, gentle and really heartfelt. you can find her at http://www.FindAQualityMan.com

Love, Rori

 

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601 Comments to “3 Types Of Men Who Aren’t Date Worthy Of You!”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Men like this will only take from you giving very little back. You deserve to have a grown up man who realizes the importance of giving you both the space and the room to enjoy the life you each brought with you into the relationship.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:57am

  2. 2: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Lord – I’ve dated all of these men!!! NEXT! Lol

    Maybe Duke will be worthy – so far he does not seem to fit any of these types!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:14am

  3. 3: lkNo Gravatar says:

    femininewoman, i feel curious… do you enjoy the work you do to earn dollars ?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:32am

  4. 4: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    lk I do but believe that I have hit a glass ceiling as far as earnings go. I am constantly looking for new avenues to enter. But yes I enjoy what I do and I feel appreciated by the people around me.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:37am

  5. 5: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    lk why do you ask?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:38am

  6. 6: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    SA – From Previous thread – I noticed in one of your posts that you mentioned that when these things happen with his kids and with him not hearing or understanding how you feel about it, you want to go home to your own place, but your 7 year old gets upset.

    Can you tell us why you think he gets upset? Does he feel safe and good in the home you are sharing with your man and his kids? Or is there something about your own home that your son does not want to go back to?

    As a mother, and a step-mother, I understand how you are feeling. I had to work very hard to balance the needs of my step-children and the needs of my own kids when they came along and the way I felt about everyone. I can see why you would be upset if the man’s kids are really doing something that is going to emotionally or physically harm your own child, but have you actually stepped back and tried to view the situation from your child’s point of view? Why does he want to stay there? A child usually knows more than we sometimes give them credit for…

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:40am

  7. 7: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    I so appreciate whenever anyone responds to me and I read on here ALL the time and sometimes just don’t post…..

    It’s okay if you don’t resonate with my cards, they did give me the ooomph I needed to go the next step with my advertising…..

    but I really listen to what you write and incorporate it into my life….

    i know i am an infrequent poster but even if i am not posting, i think of you all, i really do, but somedays i just work all day and into the night….

    thanks

    my question is:

    was that chasing to ask a CD to call me through a text when I was emotionally really upset, having a post traumatic stress reaction to my son being sick for a long time, fearing he is relapsing? This CD really enjoys being there for me in this way, but is not ready to really date me, so I felt I was chasing him.

    Thanks for seeing me, that feels validating to me and healing…..

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:42am

  8. 8: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    HW if you “feel” you were chasing him then you were. That is you answer. However, what is the feeling you have in your body that supports this thought?

    Do you get the latest enewsletter?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:02am

  9. 9: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Jane’s experience of “wanting to see” her man because an event she was going to was close to his house was actually a very aggressive thought. I know that’s hard to hear – but it’s an aggressive (not simply assertive) impulse to think that because you’re going to be in his “neighborhood” you should somehow let him know and hope he’ll invite you over.

    And you make it even worse by trying to accomplish this by dropping a “hint.” That’s a maneuver that ANY man would consider “Playing Games,” and it propelled Jane into a whole mental state of “strategizing.”

    THAT’S why it all feels so “unnatural” to her. Because it ISN’T natural. The natural thing to do would be to FORGET about him unless he’s either on the phone with her or right in front of her.

    When Jane says she “casually” mentioned the dinner – WE know she didn’t FEEL casual at all! Again, that’s why it felt unnatural.”

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:05am

  10. 10: lkNo Gravatar says:

    femininewoman, i enjoy reading your stories about how you interact with others at work & your attitude about work… & i’m noticing that my little girl is very “angry” about the “work” that i do daily to earn dollars. i feel that it is out of alignment with my goals, despite the fact that i technically “do” “work” that i “enjoy”…. i am practicing opening my ears to hear guidance on the next turn on my path….. i’m feeling a little “lost” : )) thank you for sharing with me about your experience : )

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:07am

  11. 11: lkNo Gravatar says:

    healing waterfall, i feel sad to read about your son. when i picture you, i always imagine a young writer, really brilliant, a woman like joan didion or my writing major advisor from school…. really sensitive…. really sweet & beautiful with a face like a fairy & movements like dancing : ) i feel sad & sensitive for you when i read about you txtng a man who “isn’t ready” to support your feminine energy in the ways for which you hunger. (((((healing waterfall))))) also, i miss you when you don’t post : )))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:12am

  12. 12: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When I was angry at work it was mostly because I felt unappreciated by the people around me, supervisors etc. When that changed and new people rotated in, some came in that saw and affirmed my strengths. What my challenge now is in going to a new environment where this does not exist. Respect and appreciation is important to me, even in my work environment. I have that now and even though it is not always publicly acknowledged I feel assured that it is there and feel comfortable even in the silence.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:13am

  13. 13: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm guy who loves me was a bit like the third type…he was all over me all the time and would be very angry if i didn’t call or tell him what i was up to. I’d get texts at 2am on a saturday asking ‘where are you? Who are you with?’

    And (this made me feel leery) he wanted to eat dinner together and sleep together every day, but without plans for the future.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:19am

  14. 14: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song – my ex husband was that 3rd type all the way – RUN . . . OMG, he smothered me to death! It took me years to get up the courage to leave him because I knew he would act like he could not have a life without me – it is an awful relationship to get into! He gave NOTHING back – just took and took and took from me.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:23am

  15. 15: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    FW #8

    Wow, thanks for that clarifying question. Yes, even though I was chasing him, it was and did feel normal. So I felt into it and saw that it did not feel safe for me to be in feminine receiving mode, again, but saw it much more clearly this time, that there is a belief in me that if I don’t reach out, the love won’t be there for me….

    so thank-you very much, I get it on a much deeper level now, just from you asking the question…..thank-you this is a deeper level of healing and trust I will attain.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:31am

  16. 16: lkNo Gravatar says:

    thank you, femininewoman……..

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:35am

  17. 17: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    He also one broke up with me for not inviting him to xmas six months after christmas. And booking a business trip without him.

    He really thought of us as spouses, but without the actual marriage. Or the house together.

    I felt so stressed out at the end because he’d rage at me for not being in contact all the time and for dating other guys.

    I miss him but i don’t miss that relationship. It was all about him.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:38am

  18. 18: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe it felt normal because you were sharing your vulnerability? However, judging it as chasing by thinking that way will be in your vibe and he will feel it. Sometimes this doesn’t make sense to me so I try to pay attention to my body. As if I feel my hands reaching out to grab him or feel like my torso is leaning forward. At those times I choose not to. However, if I can focus on leaning back physically, in my thoughts and energy while doing the waterwheel and really believe that the Universe wants to support me then I will ask. Particularly if it is a man I am not invested in. I believe your work is in the thinking that you are chasing him. If there is no particular investment in seeing him then why would your mind be thinking of it as chasing?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:38am

  19. 19: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    lk #11

    wow, i feel really touched by your compassion. Yes, it feels challenging to trust that my son is healthy and/or to get more neutral with him living or dying….but he is healthy now, just saying, it is not the best to be anxious…..
    i loved what you said about me and how you imagine me and i feel so supported by what you wrote about feeling sad and sensitive about me texting a man who is not ready to support me……i am ready for that kind of support…..

    thank-you

    i hope that you receive guidance today and in the coming days about what ways your work could support you more….do you mean spiritually, creatively, intellectually…..what is it you crave that you are not getting at work?
    Hugs

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:39am

  20. 20: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    siren song that is a great distinction to make because I believe it can help you in developing the vision of the relationship you want so you can articulate it clearly.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:41am

  21. 21: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, i think he wanted a different relationship too, one where he was catered to a lot. He was catered to in his previous relationships and as a kid.

    I definitely was not!

    Funny now though that i’ve not contacted him for so long any conversations are about me and my mother’s health.

    I don’t think i could ever go back with him, as much as i miss his body and the great times we had.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  22. 22: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    CF was a bit like guy #1

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:00am

  23. 23: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    siren song if that is all he knew as a child and in previous relationships please know that is all he is trained to know and was capable of. He needs to be trained otherwise to do otherwise. Sometimes men upgrade themselves based on our boundaries however only you can decide if you want to be in an expanding relationship with him where you help each other grow. His message might be that some men do need your help in learning how to be with you.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:06am

  24. 24: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I am remembering more of my dream from last night. I remember we were running through some skyscraper downtown, but it wasn’t CF explicitly. It was like it was CF but with much shorter hair (CF has hair as long as mine), although it didn’t look at all like him… I just assumed it was. And we were “freeing our minds” from “the matrix” and I was showing him the way, and we were escaping our captors, and I could feel that CF had “come back to me.”

    But it wasn’t CF at all. It was the guy I keep visualizing! And as soon as I had doubts about his love for me, he morphed right back into CF, long hair and all. Then I spent the rest of the dream agonizing over how to get CF to love me again, lol. lame.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:07am

  25. 25: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – lame feels to me like you judging yourself. That feels sad. I believe our dreams come from our unconscious mind trying to guide us somehow.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:13am

  26. 26: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso @6,

    Yes, my son wants to stay there (and continue playing of course). However he is a shy intellectual type and his kids are more active and rowdy and he totally gets overpowered by them (ie can’t play video games with them but has to watch!). I feel afraid he is somehow dependent on the fact that if he stays he has other kids to play with but if we go home, he has no kids to play with and may actually therefore prefer to be occasionally mistreated…. I am literally torn in this situation as I care very much for his kids but of course cannot tolerate being direspected and especially seeing my child get hurt/manipulated (particularly by the 11 year ADHD boy old but also the 5 year old very temperamental princess) Sigh….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:15am

  27. 27: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I wish Rori would write about dating and relatonships with kids and step kids involved.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:18am

  28. 28: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really triggered by what you just said, FW. I feel like you’re trying to control me by picking at my semantics. I want to control back and point out that “you judging yourself” is not a feeling in the slightest.

    My face feels all twisted.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  29. 29: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I wasn’t trying to share a feeling there Starla. I was just trying to bring something to your awareness. It is your choice to accept or not.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:22am

  30. 30: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I have seen eNewsletters where she writes about those things. You might even find articles about that if you look through the Love Life category.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  31. 31: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Then, I hope it might help my child learn to fend for himself to be in this environment and of course if he wants to stay, then I can’t leave without making a scene and causing drama… But at the same time, if it becomes dangerous for my child, I will absolutely not put up with any of it.

    I remember a situation when we went hiking up a small mountain in the spring, and we were on the very top picnicking and my 7 year old was accross from the 11 year old when the 11 year old took a pocket knife out and started cutting a branch with violent mouvements and I became absolutely terrified when he started argumenting with his siblings as his movements (cutting, sharpening a branch) were getting more violent and herratic, and was ready to jump at the first sign of the knife (who was close to my 7 year old) going towards my child as it might have cut him or worse he might have moved back suddenly into the void below behind him (top of mountain). I really felt terrified that day and asked M to please tell his 11 year old to be careful and M basically looked at me like I was nuts.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:25am

  32. 32: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Anyway, I ended up pulling my child on my lap that day and did not say anything more because M’s look said it all. No matter what, I would be wrong.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:30am

  33. 33: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/difficult-situations/what-you-dont-love-about-yourself-triggers-you/#respond

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:32am

  34. 34: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh, my bad, when you said “feels to me like…” i assumed it was, you know, a FEELING you were sharing. Oh and when you said “feels sad.”

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:34am

  35. 35: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel that feels so sad to read. Thinking about Rori’s story around her own daughter I am wondering if he feels shut out of your relationship with your child?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:39am

  36. 36: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel SO angry.

    Is it because I feel so unseen? That someone is extrapolating one tiny word I used and mischaracterizing my intentions with it?

    And then I feel super lonely, and instead of getting support, I feel picked on?

    I don’t know.

    But I’m in “fight mode” now and I definitely don’t want to fight with FW.

    But I feel very very uncomfortable because I have this idea in my head that she’s judging me and it isn’t freaking fair, because it’s based off an extrapolation of a single word!

    And when I was growing up and I used to go to my mom with my sadness or my problems, she would immediately look for something to correct me on. Instead of just listening or sympathizing.

    And I still have this to heal. And I guess it’s always gonna come up in my life because lots of people do this. Probably because it was done to them.

    And I feel angry because I should be working, but I’m getting all worked up here instead! And I’m p*ssed at myself and the world

    Woah.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:41am

  37. 37: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    SA have your child ever been physically injured by them?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  38. 38: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    AND I am dreading something I have to do later for the legalization campaign here. I wish I could get out of it and I wish I never agreed to it. And I get angry at other things in life when that sort of thing is a factor. It’s displacing the anger. It even ATTRACTS scenarios that will allow me a displaced outlet for the anger.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:44am

  39. 39: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    anger anger anger i can feel it in my sinuses

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:47am

  40. 40: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla this is my last comment. My words were coming from a place centered in love for you today based on the dream you shared on the other thread and the response you got about your use of GAWD. I appreciate that different people have different love languages. In my previous self I would be willling to engage your fighting energy however in my present life my purpose is spreading as much love as possible though my choice of words might not always perfect. My boxing gloves have been burned and thrown in the garbage as they were very connected to my masculine energy.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:49am

  41. 41: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i can feel my breakfast churning in my tummy. my stomach is pretty upset. i haven’t felt this way in a while
    (fw i’m not really p*ssed at you. i’m just letting this trigger rip, cuz it’s been a while)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:49am

  42. 42: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    40 fw, this comment DOES engage, but i get that sometimes we need to explain externally to validate ourselves. this is how i am feeling right now, too!

    maybe it’s cuz i’m weak in boundaries.

    maybe it’s cuz i’m in denial of my control freak tendencies

    maybe it’s cuz i need to make sure the world (and myself) sees me as enlightened, especially compared to everyone else, even though the second i try to prove it, i completely undermine any enlightenment I may have obtained.

    who knows

    my stomach hurts:(
    I want to puke and cry.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:56am

  43. 43: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    i agree. i think his message was also to learn to put myself first. i’ve come so so far in that respect.

    he was also a sports star in university and is riduculously drop-dead gorgeous, so he is used to random women throwing themselves at him. but he says he’s only ever loved me and his highschool girlfriend. and the he’d never felt such an emotional connection with anyone as with me.

    but i guess that’s over. sigh.

    aw now i’m feeling all nostalgic and tingly.

    (me) (guy who loves me)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:00am

  44. 44: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((siren song))))))))))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  45. 45: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    siren song I so resonate with your story

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:06am

  46. 46: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    aw thanks. i feel better about it every day starla!!!

    i feel so much more centrered and powerful.

    and this article really helped me put my finger on what felt so weird with him…he was ALL OVER ME but didn’t want to commit and felt i was lazy in the relationship.

    but he did also have a terrible run of luck with work and almost lost a limb in the month before we split, so i don’t think he was feeling very masculine or had much to give by the end. paul dobransky’s stuff about work and men seemed to be pretty relevant here.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  47. 47: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel better each day, too:) it’s funny how my dreams are getting super vivid and sometimes involve him. i am feeling excited thinking that maybe my dreams will become vividly GOOD one day soon.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:13am

  48. 48: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i’m also reading a message board about mars and venus (i haven’t read those books for a long time). there are a few women on there who heard similar complaints from their guys about not chasing…it feels nice to know that i am not alone in experiencing a negative reaction to leaning back.

    for the first year he was very step-up, so i know that’s somethign he’s capable of when he’s happy and healthy.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  49. 49: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i haven’t dreamed about him once.

    i still wake up thinking about him, but that’s fading too.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:16am

  50. 50: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – In my experience with kids (I have 3 sons of my own) and two step-children – a boy and a girl – they are all grown now, so I have spent half my life learning from them . . .)

    Anyway, In my experience with kids and parents, there is a huge difference between what one person thinks of as a dangerous situation and what another person views as just boys being boys (and this includes girls being girls…). Your post about how afraid you were for your son when the older boy was using the pocket knife struck me as being over-protective. Please don’t take offense – I’m not saying you are – I’m pointing out that everyone has a different perspective on these things. i would have been more worried about the older boy having the knife slip and cut his own little hand if he was using it while agitated, but that’s just me.

    My point is, your man looks at you like he thinks you are crazy . . . that’s because he is coming at the situation with a completely different perspective. he doesn’t understand how you feel any more than you understand how he feels.

    My sons all lived through all of their rough and tumble experiences and i believe they are stronger men for every scar they ever got while playing or fighting with each other. It is how they learn to be men, to defend themselves, to have compassion for people smaller, younger or weaker than themselves. These are life lessons that boys must learn somewhere. We can’t keep them on our laps all safe and sound forever.

    Again – Just my thoughts and some experience from someone who has raised 4 boys and a girl.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:21am

  51. 51: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Siren Song))))
    Blimey, I wonder whether this is a lesson for me too: ‘put myself first’, when all I had ever been taught and told was to ‘put others first’ and look where it got me, particularly with men – nowhere far. However, I still struggle to understand why I attracted such high quality men in my early 20’s…and now it seems so hard. Why?

    Also, I may have found the reason why MrUnavailable came into my life. It wasn’t for a romantic relationship, it wasn’t to take me off my path..perhaps he came into my life as someone to push my latest dream forward, to live and work in the US. I admired him because all he said he wanted to do with his life he did, against all odds, the most amazing things…and he has always pushed my dreams, he has always said ‘you can do it’ (even when I did not believe it myself anymore) and not just that…he gave me concrete advice with business – and all of what he said came true and helped me onwards. And now, I am on the cusp of doing something risky, to have a last go at my big dream…and he holds the key to it (through the information and another person that can help me)….and here I am, too shy to ask him for the info. This info I need desperately, but I do not want to open the channels of conversation, I don’t want to get any romantic hopes, since I have arrived at an equilibrium, Ladies. Not happy, not sad, I just am!!! But I feel scared to ask him for help. I have to, else I will stagnate here – and it really is just contact info – but I feel so much better having no contact with him. Urgh.

    Anyhow, what I want to say is that perhaps finally, I found the reason why he came into my life: for me not to give up hope that my dreams can come true, and to help with practical stuff also. Not love. Not the romantic kind anyway. I feel relieved and at the same time a little sad. Yes, just a little sad. But, you know, perhaps it was all for the best, perhaps it was ‘the best’ for me. Perhaps I have been protected of having a major heartbreak down the line…who knows?!
    I feel calm.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  52. 52: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Michael Fiore

    “LOOKING isn’t cheating.
    LUSTING isn’t even cheating.
    FANTASIZING isn’t cheating.

    Why?

    Because if looking was cheating then every single one of us (who wasn’t struck blind is some horrible childhood accident) would be total piece of shit
    douchebag cheaters. And we’re not.
    We’re human beings.
    And as human beings there’s absolutely nothing weird or even “morally wrong” about looking at other people and imagining all sorts of lovely, dirty things.

    (We couldn’t stop ourselves if we wanted to.) Cheating is about ACTION. Not thought. Heck, smart guys are actually REALLY HAPPY when movies like “Magic Mike” come out. Why?

    Because our women go off with their girlfriends to see this kind of movie. They lust uncontrollably at the pieces of hairless man-flesh writhing on stage.
    They titter and giggle and feel a lovely warmth deep in their stomachs. And then they come home and bork our brains out. It’s really not so bad.
    Folks who think looking is cheating (and I’m including folks who think looking at porn IN MODERATION is a problem – anything in excess is a different story, including those damn romance novels you love so much. . .)

    Anyway, folks who are that uptight and insecure are just locking themselves in for a lifetime of misery and lies.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  53. 53: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    From last thread:

    Thank you, Esteemed. I haven’t been able to read all the blog comments. It sounds like things have improved with R and I feel really happy for you. I hope they continue.

    I thought I could catch up tonight, but Mr. Observant asked to see me again. :) That is every day this week and we are taking a weekend trip.

    I feel bad because I like to read everyone’s comments and respond when I can. I am so behind on them!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:30am

  54. 54: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Great point Calypso. It reminds me of a girlfriends account of how her husband reacted to her sons behavior and she had to drop her need to control what was going on and learn to trust her husband. She said she had to turn her attention internally and begin to pray to distract herself from intervening and possibly embarassing her husband in front of her son. She also admitted that she realized that she could not teach her son what he needed to know about masculinity.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:31am

  55. 55: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, tam, i grew up with two addicted parents, once of whom had a serious anger issue (ahem…like guy who loves me) and i learned to placate placate placate and to not expect much in the way of support or interest.

    unlearning this with CDing for sure.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:32am

  56. 56: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    almost three weeks of leaning back!! yay!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  57. 57: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam you have tapped into your vibe. The desperate need. The shyness to ask. The feeling scared to ask. If you could work on changing these before you do he will feel your vibe and might even want to help by calling and putting in a good word for you.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  58. 58: TamNo Gravatar says:

    What should I do FW?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:37am

  59. 59: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I have dated both the Busy Man (BoatGuy, MilitaryCD, WorkCD) and the Man Child (HypoCD, SheriffCD).

    The Busy Man I didn’t feel important with. The Man Child I felt controlled with. Neither situation is good.

    I guess MilitaryCD could also be considered the Depositor, as he texted me more than saw me.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  60. 60: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so vulnerable telling him that I need him for something so trivial. I wish it was someone else. I wish I did not have to contact him.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  61. 61: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso said:
    Lord – I’ve dated all of these men!!! NEXT! Lol

    Amen to that!!!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  62. 62: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @4 FW

    What is it you do (if you don’t mind me asking)?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  63. 63: TamNo Gravatar says:

    55 siren song – yes, my dad has an anger issue and my mum is bipolar and I was sexually abused by my Dad’s best friend as a kid – just as my parents got divorced….so..yeah!
    Placating and quietly staying in the corner, not making anyone angry..that is me.
    And I always used to get criticised. I developed a hard shell. And huge tolerance. And forgiveness,
    But, you know, it didn’t get me anywhere. I am having to unlearn all this.
    I am the traditional Rori hard shell on the outside and super sensitive on the inside. And it just does not work.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  64. 64: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I would encourage you to keep writing about those wishes and feelings until you get to what to say to him and what to do.

    At this point it seems that if you choose to ask, that you want to admit to feeling vulnerable asking. Script here until you get to what you want to say. Then go in front of the mirror and keep saying it to get a feel on the reactions in your body.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:44am

  65. 65: lilybellyNo Gravatar says:

    50:

    Took the words right out of my mouth. Well said.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:47am

  66. 66: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    RG,

    53 – Yay! That sounds awesome how your relationship is coming together! And yes, I feel closer to R than I have felt in the past three years! I feel excited!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:48am

  67. 67: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow tam that is very familiar.

    i ended up being a hard-shelled, all-in-my-head over achiever. i used to be the best at everything…school, work, music, writing, the most friends, the biggest people pleaser, trying to control how people felt about me (impossible!).

    it’s resulted in a lot of material things and a great job and a life that far exceeds the one my parents raised me to live, but i have been really disconnected with my inner self and my feminine side since i was little.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:49am

  68. 68: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @10 lk

    I, too, feel I need a change in my work. It is not satisfying for me and I feel annoyed & stressed more than anything. I wish I could find something to use my creativity. Good luck with finding your way. :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:49am

  69. 69: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    (me) (tam)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:49am

  70. 70: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I would ask. But though you might not have any other choice, the desperation has to be worked on before the asking. Desperation feels icky. Also the desperation could put you into convincing mindset and resentment if he chooses to not take your call or respond to your request. You want to shift to believing that the Universe put him in your life for this purpose and that he will be happy to help you when you ask. Though you might be feeling silly and vulnerable. You are a girl and are entitled to those feelings but they don’t have to drive your behavior.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  71. 71: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @21 siren song

    SheriffCD was like this too. He would get mad if I couldn’t see him, but it was ok if he couldn’t see me. Everything was about him. He would throw temper tantrums like a 5 year old. He tried to squash my independence. He wanted me in tow under his foot. He would accuse me of things he had no right to accuse me of. It was a very exhausting relationship. I feel so happy to be out of that.

    I was thinking when you mentioned he was catered too in the past, and I believe this was part of SheriffCD’s problem. He always got what he wanted. People didn’t tell him no, so when I did, he spazzed.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  72. 72: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((siren song))))))
    I had to emigrate to come out of my shell, aged 19…my way of showing my two fingers to everyone..and being hard. Ugh.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:59am

  73. 73: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    It seems Mr. Observant was always the giver. He supported his family, his wife didn’t work and she isn’t much of a homemaker, doesn’t know how to cook, so they basically had fast food/pizza/whatever all the time, she liked to fight with him. He’s a lover, not a fighter. They haven’t had a “relationship” for a long time. He was sleeping on the couch and no physical contact.

    I am the complete opposite of her and I think that is what really attracts him to me. I made pasta salad for work and had a bunch left over. When I saw him the other night, we had it for dinner. He told me he felt spoiled by it. He comments on things like how I keep my house clean and organized, how I cook & enjoy it & will make things I don’t even eat because other people like it, how nice I am, etc.

    We were talking about being irritated and I said, well, he saw me irritated at my parents the other day. He laughed and said, if that is your irritated, I can deal with that!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:02am

  74. 74: TamNo Gravatar says:

    70 FW, thank you so much, it feels good to read your viewpoint, very soothing. You know, he kinda messed stuff up for me also, so in a way it is also a chance for him to ‘make good’ which, I suspect is why he keeps contacting me with viable solutions to my dilemma.

    In a way I am already over the desperation. You know, now it feels like I just need to act. Nothing much to do with him, I need to act and he can help me (but I am just a little scared to re-open the communication channels). I feel unsure as to how to open the communication channels and make it stay to the point – mind you, he is good at that so maybe I am worrying about nothing.

    Just that I am not sure what to say. Pffff :(

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:03am

  75. 75: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Here is a free Soul Mate Seminar with 45 speakers. I feel bad I don’t see Rori on the list:

    ht.ly/bVuB2

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:03am

  76. 76: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I believe you are worrying about nothing.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  77. 77: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    RG,

    yeah, that sounds familiar. i sometimes got the feeling i was supposed to take care of him. i went with him to his sister’s wedding and i ironed his shirt (it was kind of a fun little task and i felt really great about doing it) and his mother said something along the lines of: ‘it’s nice to finally see you do something like this for him.’

    ew.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:07am

  78. 78: TamNo Gravatar says:

    70 FW – he will always take my call. Always. Because I never call and he thinks it’s an emergency.
    If I send an email he most likely responds within 5-15 minutes if he sees it. He would never let me down when it comes to anything practical/help/advice. I feel safe about that. Just not regarding anything romance related.
    He is 150% reliable, I do trust this man with my life. We go boating, and I know that if we ever had any problems, he would rescue me even if it meant he’d have to die. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true. So I do not worry about that. Even at a time we ‘didn’t talk’, and I needed his help, he called me at 3am – so I know he will always help. At least this :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:08am

  79. 79: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    SA,

    What i will say to you now may be very different from other sirens. And please bear in mind that I don’t have an experience with step-children. Yet I feel from your personality that you have to trust your feeling that things are not the way they should be and you are being mistreated.

    I feel that going for a walk alone after a heated discussion with your guy may help you in a couple of ways. To calm down and get your thoughts together. And to create space and silence and stand by your boundaries.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:08am

  80. 80: TamNo Gravatar says:

    76. FW. Yes. I believe so too. Thank you!! :) I feel better.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:09am

  81. 81: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    RG.

    yes. temper tantrums. about a month ago i posted a lot about his angry explosions and tantrums. i felt totally frozen. i would speak in FMs and walk away and he just got angrier. in the end, i had to block his texts from my blackberry because they were abusive. he still has access to me by email and he’s been nothing but kind and sweet since i blocked him.

    what a lot of drama. i felt so confused and like a failure for things going south. but i refuse to suffer over this anymore. and i really am not. i’m just reminded by this article that things were not woring for a reason.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:11am

  82. 82: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Tam he sounds like a masculine giver. I wonder if the disconnect between you two was just a misunderstanding. A difference in opinions. I guess if I was wearing his shoe I would not want to marry a girl who only wanted to marry me to facilitate residency. He might just have been scared?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:11am

  83. 83: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    not WORKING i mean :-)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:12am

  84. 84: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Men love connecting with women on an emotional level

    This just leapt at men out of the article above. I wonder how it fits into our thinking about men as emotionally unavailable?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:13am

  85. 85: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lk – I’ve been reading and doing Morgana Rae ‘s money stuff which is about visualizing money as a male lover.

    Also I ask my ‘Money Honey’ everyday what would make him happy :)

    Right now he says tell me you love me

    I’ve been feeling way more connected and secure w money ever since

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:18am

  86. 86: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I wana do a coach thing where I help people shift the beliefs

    ‘I have to ‘make a living’

    I have to ‘earn’ money

    I need money to survive

    I need money to consider myself successful

    I need money to be comfortable

    .

    That will take some desperation out and then work on attracting money without the ‘need’

    And directing their ‘work’ energy into creative pursuits and activities that nourish and empower

    I just removed the last belief for myself yay :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:23am

  87. 87: TamNo Gravatar says:

    82..l.don’t egg me on FW….haha.
    I gave him lots of chances. He is a very angry man, he fits to category 1 of above.
    I know he loves me but he values his freedom, he is a very masculine man and he is confused, he does fit into our category of “emotionally unavailable”. When I was with someone else, he said he wanted a relationship with me. When it came down to it, he said he wanted to be fwb after all, and a little later ‘just platonic friends’. He is worried about the expectations of a relationship. I am the only woman he let into his house ever, in two years of having it. When I am there, he is always on my case and only meets with me and considers us as dating. As soon as I go, he is on a dating website and always looking for his ideal woman, he can’t be ‘tied down’. I gave up trying to work him out and moved on.
    Oh,I know he loves me. But he makes all his future planning without me, and he does’t offer a commitment.
    He offered to marry me (half-heartedly) and I said:
    ‘I would never do this to you, because I know that this is not your wish nd I respect you too much to ask this of you’.
    So no, I never put pressure on him in any way.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:27am

  88. 88: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I still don’t know what to say though, argh.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  89. 89: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sounded like you did great Tam. He might be wanting you but on his terms. Boundaries are great in those situations is what I believe.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  90. 90: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    oh Lord.

    I thought it would be easy to keep up with this new thread but it’s full already!! LOL

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  91. 91: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I encourage you to script.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  92. 92: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Men are just hard to understand, no matter what category they fall into. When I look at all the posts from us girls I just think to myself “IF they knew all the time and energy we spend on them just to understand them”. But they don’t! Ugh

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  93. 93: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine I believe men are simple. As soon as I get out of my own head, they are human beings with issues like myself.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:37am

  94. 94: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman,

    I don’t know about that… I guess I’m just looking at it from the perspective that men and women are just completely different in they way they behave. And in my case, whenever they’re stubborn they’re hard to understand.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  95. 95: TamNo Gravatar says:

    89, he wants me and he doesn’t. he is ambivalent, but he hasn’t let anyone close except for me. I suspect that is what scares him. His mother was a cold beauty queen who left him behind…and that is exactly the type of woman he is attracted to…superficially…anyhow, I had stopped trying to get into his head.

    Yes, I need a script….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:40am

  96. 96: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow i feel angry – maybe frightened skimming thru some comments

    i noticed doing the Lefkoe work a lot of what i thought was anger was related to fear

    i feel angry actually for having tapped into this energy

    i was feeling good! and inspired

    i want to play some Goddess Awakes morning music im going to search for some appropriate stuf

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  97. 97: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    tam, it sounds like he wants you, but might have a fear of engulfment.

    guy who loves me never let a woman into his house in his 36 years and had never lived with anyone, even though he dated his ex for 8 years, but he wanted me there every night and he asked me to move in. but when he had me he was controlling.

    margaret paul talks alot about fear of rejection/fear of engulfment and how they can wear on relationships.

    one thing is for certain: you can’t take it personally. it’s his own stuff.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  98. 98: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I also believe men are simple. Even the ones that seem complicated, are “simply” complicated. The question is how much are you willing to accept that that one man is all over the place and complicated, and let that be the simple truth. Sometimes the simple truth is you’ll need to really cater to them for it to ever work. Or the truth most of the time is you need to focus on yourself and not worry about their complicated ways. And when you do this, you might find yourself bored when you’re not trying to solve that riddle of a man. And leave for a simpler man:)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:50am

  99. 99: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    I’ve been trying to read through the last thread but there’s just too much on there that I can’t keep track of what I’m reading. Is it your ex who you’re talking about?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:50am

  100. 100: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    Welcome “I” – and I’m so sorry you are feeling so helpless and stuck. This is a process. There are many, many married women reading and commenting here, and I know you’ll get help. Number one – absolutely number one for your self-esteem…is to focus 100% on getting work that pays you. Or starting a business. Or baby-sitting. ANYTHING that brings in money and makes you feel good – something you can ENJOY (this is important) and feel good about doing. Next — yes you CAN Circular Date. It’s not about ‘dating.” Circular Dating is about getting out into the world and RELATING to men. Talking, flirting, practicing the Tools so that when you use them with your husband — it’s easier for you. Like learning a new language and practicing it out there with people who you have no expectations or hopes with…so that when you practice with your husband, you feel more natural and relaxed. I wish you so much luck! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  101. 101: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, CF = my ex. Does this answer your question?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  102. 102: ElaineNo Gravatar says:

    Please help me know what to think Havebeen living in a relationship two months now and started to get better and all of a sudden got cold .He says because a 14 year old grandaughter is upset i have to always be there with him She is here lots and he says he wants our relationship but I can no longer even do our grocery shopping with him which we share cost
    His grandaughter says she has to be with him alone always He agrees and also says she and all his family will always come first even in a marriage he says I would never be first as that would not make me a blood relative
    We are supposed to talk tonight .What is best to do I am thinking as much as it hurts that he is not marrige material He was married fifty years She died 11 months ago
    Can you help know know what to think or do Rori Many thanks
    elaine

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  103. 103: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Teresa, Welcome, and I’ll anser all your comments here. I know you want only constructive comments, so you might not want to read this…it’s tough.
    1. You’re scaring him by not having a job. Period. That’s a big clue for you. Most men are like this now, unless they’re wealthy, and ESPECIALLY then do they want you to have a FULL life outside of them. The days of “housewife” are LONG OVER. It’s not attractive anymore. Men want a feisty, independent, active woman with a real life, not a “wifey.” It triggers them too much. If you focus on ANYTHING BUT getting a job…you’re going in the wrong direction. Focusing on him or the relationship is the WRONG direction. If you were a truly feisty, cool, independent woman who didn’t take garbage from a man, he might be so over-the-top attracted to you that the job thing would be down the list for him…but now…it just adds to your emotional need for him in your life. So — GETTING to that place in yourself is your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. The Tools to do it are here, in my newsletters, ebook and programs…step-by-step. The women here will help you use them — but you have to know what they are and how they work within the entire system.
    2.You officially have an open relationship, if he’s seeing another woman. So why aren’t YOU DATING? Circular Dating is the best Tool you have for getting your self-esteem back and leaning back authentically.
    3. You cannot “talk” anything into being better. You can only ATTRACT him more. This is a combo of Strong Surrender – Strong on the inside, soft on the outside…Boundaries and Open-Heart. In order to do this…you work at it…slowly raising your self-esteem until you simply arrive at this new “normal” and things shift in the relationship. Even though it’s a PROCESS…it can happen very FAST…if you do the steps in order and consistently.
    Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  104. 104: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    98 – I guess you’re right. They’re far less complicated than we women are. But yeah I think sometimes we overcomplicate things and even ourselves for wanting to read men like an open book. I did that a lot on my past relationship. It took me nowhere.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:55am

  105. 105: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    : Rori Raye says:
    Teresa, just caught this from one of your comments:
    but I really want to spend time with him and am worried if I don’t accept this he will not want to be with me.
    Perhaps this will help…this attitude is the single LEAST attractive attitude a woman can have. In other words, the more you think this, the less attractive you become. So if you’re worried about him leaving you because you’re not tolerating whatever…reverse that thought. Tolerating whatever is the single FASTEST way to end a relationship and send a man out the door. It makes you about as attractive as a dead fish, because you just aren’t a real, live, breathing human being when you think that thought.
    Tell me if I’m wrong, Teresa – but I think tough is the way to go here…it’s worked wonders for my now rock star client. The attitude of this thought is that of an addicted person. A junkie. You are a junkie for love. Let that settle for a bit. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:58am

  106. 106: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    Why did you break up? What’s the situation right now between you two? I am trying to familiarize myself with all of you and it’s easier if you tell me over here than trying to read the thousand posts there are lol. If you don’t mind.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:58am

  107. 107: TamNo Gravatar says:

    97 siren song…yes, similar. MrU is clingy when I am at his place. I personally love it but he hates it. When I get up to go to the bathroom, he will say ‘where are you going?’ ‘home?’ and when I go to the bathroom you can literally see him go ‘phew’.

    When I ask him to drive me home and I say ‘ok, let’s go” he will say ‘you should feel sad about going home’ and when I say ‘yes, of course I feel sad going home’, he’ll give me a little smile.

    I find it cute because he is such a hard guy and most people are scared of him and have a lot of respect. I see his soft side and I love it. He doesn’t show it to anybody. People have remarked on how they don’t believe how he is with me…like I can say anything and he will respect me and listen to me…as even most men straight away let him take the lead. It’s super cute.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:58am

  108. 108: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    103 jasmine
    my last guy wanted me to either focus completely on myself and let his complicatedness slide (to the point of feeling neglected), or focus more on it and try to fix him and figure it out. I couldn’t do either. They both felt awful. But these are not healthy expectations for any grown man to have. He’ll realize that one day (maybe).

    I feel excited about dating new guys that will be a bit more balanced, now that I am becoming more balanced:)

    To be honest, though, these guys seem BORING to me. I talk with my therapist about this quite a bit lately. But he reminds me that I am stable in life and responsible and not a boring person at all.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:01pm

  109. 109: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So Tam why are you scared of asking him for that contact if you can have him feeling like you are the air he needs to breathe?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:01pm

  110. 110: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    wow

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:03pm

  111. 111: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    105, jasmine – i’m not entirely sure to this day exactly why we broke up. obviously, he just didn’t want to do it. he mentioned a few reasons over the course of a few days, but they all kind of contradicted each other and were pretty vague and hard to interpret. he broke up with me in an email and never spoke to me again. it’s been hard to move on because I thought he was the one for me, but I do a great job of taking care of myself.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:04pm

  112. 112: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    I totally feel you on the “boring guys” issue. I started hanging out with this one guy who has pretty much EVERYTHING you can ask for a guy, but he’s just so boring!! Sometimes us women have a hard time trying to find a guy that can connect to us in that flirty way that excites us. But I couldn’t connect with him at all.

    I am a little confused about circular dating because I don’t want to push myself into someone I don’t like. I don’t hang out with that guy anymore because he was getting a little weird and I don’t want him to confuse things. I am just trying to have fun. So after that I’ve just been hanging out with friends, going to nice places, and meeting new people, just to focus on myself more.. but not actually relating to “men”.. is that bad?

    (((Sirens)))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:08pm

  113. 113: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    tam,

    “When I get up to go to the bathroom, he will say ‘where are you going?’”

    guy who loves me was exactly the same way.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:09pm

  114. 114: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    How long has it been since you broke up?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:09pm

  115. 115: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine 111, you can practice the tools with any man, really. Rori refers to “the butcher” at the grocery store, as an example. You can practice using feeling messages and physically leaning back and all that good stuff.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  116. 116: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    This is a really nice post I found online and I thought I would share it with you guys. It makes a LOT of sense and I loved it. Hope you like it!

    “If he’s not calling you.
    If he’s not texting you.
    If he’s looking for other girls to date.
    If he’s not taking you out on dates.
    If he’s not asking you to be is girlfriend.

    Then it’s because he doesn’t want to.

    Even if he’s kissing you.
    Even if he’s letting you sleep in his bed with him.
    Even if he’s cuddling you at night.
    Even if he gets jealous when you talk about other guys.

    If he wanted to be with you, then he would be. But he’s not.

    And he’s a fool.”

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  117. 117: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, it’s been 3 months today, actually. Wow!
    I tried contacting him a few times but never got a hold of him. That was the hardest part. We dated for several months and didn’t have any hostility or anything between us. He just…disappeared. About a month ago, I sent an email to him and decided to let it go. There were/are still days when I feel the urge to try to contact him again, to find out why on earth he wouldn’t just talk to me. But I resist the urge. It gets easier with time:) I love myself and I learned to love this experience because it turned into a huge growth opportunity for me. I am now becoming the person I always wanted to be, and I have all this time and space to just focus on myself for the first time in my life.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  118. 118: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow Starla that was harsh!! Not even a face-to-face break up? Wow… Why would he do something like that? That was even irresponsible. But I’m glad you’re gradually feeling better. He didn’t deserve you.

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me last Christmas in a very harsh way. That day before the break he just told me “I don’t think this is working and I don’t want to have to worry bout this during the break.” Of course it was face to face but still it was so hard for me to process those words into my head! So during the break I got really needy and texted him a lot (I was in NYC) but he brushed me off all the time, he didn’t want to talk about it or about ANYTHING. He cut me out really badly so I stopped myself and started ignoring him instead, then he started talking to me again and asked me why we were trying to hurt each other?

    That’s where I just think guys are complicated. Sometimes they don’t want you, but once you leave them alone they come back to you? They’re dumb.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:24pm

  119. 119: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, everybody, this is an amazing thread.
    Siren Angel, I hear you on feeling protective of your child and if that happened to me and my child on the mountaintop, I would have taken some serious time away….it sounds like the stepchildren and/or Dad are not exercising enough self-control to make the environment safe enough for your child and to make you feel comfortable. I am not trying to tell you what to do at all, I am just trying to rephrase what it sounds like to me, how did i do?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:25pm

  120. 120: TamNo Gravatar says:

    112siren song..wow!! ;)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:27pm

  121. 121: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,
    I read only love from FW in her post also.

    But feel it is so important that you shared how you felt, because then you can hear again how much you are loved.

    That happened with my twin sister the other day…..she was freaking out about a new job opportunity and I was short on time and I cut her short and led her on a short visualization to help her feel more empowered…..well, she came back at me and told me she felt invalidated and she told me what she wanted to experience by calling me, and I laughed gently, because I told her I was loving her and look, it worked, you are empowered now and you now know how you feel……but she was mad at me temporarilly…..but not really me, more my parents or other people in her past.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:31pm

  122. 122: TamNo Gravatar says:

    108 FW – oh, that made me feel like a million dollars. That’s amazing.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:31pm

  123. 123: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Elaine, I’m deleting your last name for your privacy. First of all – I think you know what to do, and what you want to do – it’s just hard to do it. When you’re with a man who has children – you will NEVER be first – his children come first. BUT you are first romantically. When you are with a widower or a divorced man, his former wife will ALWAYS be in his heart and brain in some way (Great play and movie from Neil Simon about this: “Chapter Two”). These things you can expect – and at this time in your life – you may find that works out just fine! OR – you can feel bad about it, as you do. If you can simply leave your man alone with his granddaughter, and let them shop together while you do other things that interest you (an art class, church, reading, walking, a lecture or class in anything, exercising…) that will get you SO much more out of this, so you can see clearly. Right now, this man feels like you’re right on top of him, that you’re clinging and needy and “have” to be there with him at all times. The ONLY way to remedy this quickly is to step back and get busy doing OTHER things – so he has to actually ASK for your time. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:32pm

  124. 124: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving girl yey! From previous thread! Loved that he said you were together! Keep leaning back and thinking positive.

    Did you manage to get hold of the book?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  125. 125: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    I’m watching the clock, wondering when Duke might contact me next. He texted me briefly this morning, but his job is manual and I know he can’t text while working. I’m really curious to know if he wants to see me again. I hope he does!

    I just looked up our horoscope compatibility – Lol. I am a Pisces and I have a limited number of matches that are supposed to be very good for me . . .I always seem to ens up attracted to a Virgo – GM was a (IS a – the man is not dead – lol) Virgo and the two of us clashed in every possible way – heaven & hell just like our horoscopes predicted!

    Duke is a Cancer and I just read about us and it was beautiful! We are completely compatible according to our signs. Of course I know it all depends on the actual person and the way their lives have shaped them, but i still know there is truth in our birth signs and how we resopnd to life – I believe it anyway.

    2 of my sons are Cancer men and reading about a Cancer man, i could see them so clearly! I’ve never dated a Cancer man before. He sounds like he would be a wonderful match for the Pisces girl in me . . .

    Now – i just have to lean back and be open and be willing to be surprised and see where this can lead. I need to not lean forward and exert my boy energy ont his man . . . hard to do, but i think perhaps worth it this time?

    here’s hoping . . .

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  126. 126: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    well, today has been interesting….

    i tapped for a great day, i tapped for $500K in my bank account and i tapped to be a love magnet…..

    then one of my CD’s texted me about the name of one of my favorite flowers……

    and the text conversation got really racy, because this flower, chicory, has got to be one of my most favorite flowers and when I look at it under a hand lens, the male stamens are incredibly beautiful…..so it got kind of out of hand, not really, but i had to go take a cold shower, i really really want to magnetize a partner, it feels so hard to be ovulating and looking and thinking about flowers and not getting pollinated myself….but flowers, they are a true lesson in feminine receiving energy, aren’t they?

    Looking pretty, smelling good, offering nectar, come on over and pollinate me….

    Gosh, when I lay an egg, I just have one thing on my mind….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:40pm

  127. 127: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed- from previous thread.

    Hmm I have an issue with saying were friends which puts us back in the grey area. It’s obvious were not friends as we lived together previously.

    I’m interested to talk more bout dating other guys with you sometime. Ive gots loads of work to do at min so will post on this another time.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:41pm

  128. 128: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, I wish mine would come back. And say SOMETHING. But I’m just telling myself that will never ever happen. I’m just cuttin my losses and telling myself he’s not the one for me. Even though I feel it in my bones we are going to be together one day. It could be decades from now. Who knows. I’m trying to let it go.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:43pm

  129. 129: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria/ esteemed/ feminine woman

    So I invited him… He’s checking he can have time off work but he was leaning forward with his response and I am hopeful we will go to the wedding together!

    Even if he can’t get time off as it’s during the week at least I know he wanted to and I would be happy going by myself.

    Either way I won as I didn’t push him away! Yey!

    Thanks sirens for your advice on this one. It is only a small situation but I felt i needed advice on how to handle it.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

  130. 130: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW- do you have some scripting advice? I am at a loss as how to ask for something without getting into anything deeper

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  131. 131: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I understand how you felt. But things weren’t pleasing after that, as soon as I got back from the break we started seeing each other but he didn’t want anything serious anymore. But every time I decided to stop all sorts of contact with him, he would be friendly and apologize for what happened… but it ended up happening repetitively the first four months after the break up, we always ended up together (although not the way I wanted). At times he was about to consider getting back with me but I always mismanaged the situation and pulled him away.

    Now that it is summer time it’s been two months that we don’t see each other (except for two occasions, and in those occassions we didn’t have sex but did have some sort of connection.. there’s just too much chemistry). I’m sure he avoids seeing me because he doesn’t want those certain things to happen again as he is so determined to not try things again with me. It’s kinda complicated, but I’m feeling waaaaay leaned back and way better. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I feel positive.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:57pm

  132. 132: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I just wonder,

    Would a guy look deeply into your eyes and passionately have sex with you if he’s over you?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  133. 133: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling a bit naseous now and wondering if im not hungry

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:07pm

  134. 134: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam just ask.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:13pm

  135. 135: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,
    I am not sure, but I think a guy can do that and still be over you….

    and a guy can be totally turned on by you and not love you…..

    i am starting to get this by reading this blog and rori’s stuff and this blog, that it is really about making yourself feel good, right and safe when interacting with a man and making sure that you have what you need before you let him in…..

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:14pm

  136. 136: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling vulnerable but I need your help.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

  137. 137: ElaineNo Gravatar says:

    Wow!
    Are you sure Rori or did i not put something right? just need to be double sure here before taking action

    please bear with me
    We are 72 years old I had not been with a man for 32 years
    You mean it is right to allow a 14 year old grandaughter who lives with her mother at home
    t demand that I dont spend time with her gramp
    Please confirm and Ill take from there
    Many thanks

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  138. 138: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    #84… um I dont think all men are emotionally unavailable. Some are though. It has been my experience that they all (20 plus men) I have CD’d want to tell you all about them.. their hurts what the last female did to them… even share some the their other stuff.. (i.e. dreams etc) NONE have inquired about me and my world though.

    That is not emotionally connecting. It is a two way street and mine have been all one way.

    Linda

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:34pm

  139. 139: TamNo Gravatar says:

    134 and 136 FW, thank you. I feel happy that you have encouraged me to do what I also think is best: just ask honestly and be true to myself.
    All will be ok.
    I trust.
    Thanks again, I do like your ‘no-nonsense’ advice :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:34pm

  140. 140: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    132# Jasmine

    Absolutely! He would.

    Linda

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:36pm

  141. 141: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @66 Esteemed – I feel excited too! :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:39pm

  142. 142: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I was wondering if you ladies have any siren idols that inspire you? Like celebrities or anyone?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  143. 143: TamNo Gravatar says:

    137…interesting Linda, I have a slightly different experience. Even men that I judged as being emotionally unavailable (were they??) showed some interest in me, and my past etc. I like it very much when a man ask me things about me and reltionships and so on, and I have never got involved with anyone who didn’t show some interest in me as a person. I find even men who are not really available can still be curious….my guy, MrU, was always asking me a million questions.
    In the end he even asked me what women like in bed (because he had no clue…I blame porn). So I was educating him..and he was really grateful. And he learnt…and he practiced on me…hahaha…so, well, I think people are just people. And because of their past sometimes they are just screwed up – and so are we to a certain extent….it’s just finding someone who will take us for who we are, love us and appreciate us…and not leave us to second guess. Hm

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  144. 144: TamNo Gravatar says:

    141, although she is quite a bit older than me I just love Meryl Streep…the way she acts, she kind of lets it all out. She looks good but not platicky like Cher or Madonna…she looks natural (whether she is or not is another matter).

    Also Dame Judy Dench (even older).

    I love women that age gracefully and not like building sites (you can see I spent a lot of time on SoFla, where every other woman has been under the knife and they start to look grotesque – so sad)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  145. 145: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @77 siren song

    I agree…ew.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  146. 146: TamNo Gravatar says:

    uh, typo: ‘plasticky”

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  147. 147: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @81 siren song

    Yes, I had the abusive text messages too. One day he sent me 100 of them. That was the first time I ended things. He was a big bully. I’m positive it would have turned to physical abuse before too long. I needed to leave.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  148. 148: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.. my experience has been that some gush out all about their world and past etc…Some dates are interviewers. (yuck)… I have some men ask about me, the ones I saw more than once anyway.

    Emotional connection is deeper to me. I once had a man (whom is still the love of my life so far) ask me this… (“what do you want, what do you need, what do you need to feel”)….. I had never had anyone ask me that. I felt like for the first time in my life someone took an interest in me. Just me. I cried everytime I thought about it. It opened up wonderful communication and me.

    Emotional connection is two people giving, and sharing to one another. You feel safe and warm and fuzzy.

    Emotional connection is not me listening at level two and knodding. LOL

    Linda

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

  149. 149: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, we are going to a beach hotel for a day!! I feel so excited. Leaving in a couple of hours.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:54pm

  150. 150: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Aw, Tam, I feel so warmed reading about who your siren idols are:)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

  151. 151: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @113 siren song and tam

    SheriffCD used to pull me back and not let me go to the bathroom. I had to break free from him to do that. It was annoying.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

  152. 152: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    RG, yeah and as recently as a couple of weeks ago he emailed me saying ‘i love you and i get angrier about this (CDing) every day’

    but he won’t commit the way he said he was intending to…

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:59pm

  153. 153: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    siren idols…

    good topic!!

    i always loved the change in bridget fonda’s character in ‘singles’…she was a super-lean forward man pleaser whose boyfriend was ‘still seeing other people’ and wanted her to get plastic surgery.

    then she has a moment and realises ‘hey, i don’t have to be here!’ and leaves him, invests 100% of her energy into herself…goes back to school, works on her house, goes out on her own. her BF comes back because she is so strong and open and ‘rocks his world’.

    not a person, but a character!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:03pm

  154. 154: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    he is different too, of course, when he comes back.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:04pm

  155. 155: TamNo Gravatar says:

    147 Linda: agreed!!!!

    149 Starla..thanks…do you have any celebrity sirens???

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:04pm

  156. 156: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQPTexCYAK0

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:05pm

  157. 157: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    My daughter said a hurtful thing to me to day. I cried on the way home.

    It appears to her I am an idot for letting the last man that was in my life back in it. When I tried to explain to her why (months ago)… she would not listen. So to her I got what I deserved. “once someone messes up with her she shuts them out”… I guess that is why she is not with anyone and no one stays with her long at all.
    She offers no understanding to me and invalidates my hurt over any of my relationships because… “well they arent my Dad”.

    I feel shot with an arrow.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:06pm

  158. 158: TamNo Gravatar says:

    155 – hahaha!!!! That sums it all up I guess :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:09pm

  159. 159: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay i ate… more worshipping the goddess action now

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

  160. 160: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Linda)))))))))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:14pm

  161. 161: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ooh siren song, thank you for sharing!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:16pm

  162. 162: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I liked that one with Barbara Streisand where her name is Rose, and he marries her cuz he wants to not have sex complicate stuff cuz theyre bookworms hehe – and then she transforms

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:17pm

  163. 163: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    154 Tam – I dunno if I have any, but lately I’ve been feeling inspired by Sheridyn Fisher, because she is unapologetic about her love of good nutrition and fitness. She looks amazing and is tiny and strong but gives off a very feminine vibe.

    I like the “warrior goddess” archetype. After I saw Katniss in Hunger Games, I was determined to dye my hair dark, lol. I have since talked myself out of that.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

  164. 164: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ooh, barbara streisand in general… she isn’t the prettiest thing, but turned down her husband’s proposals multiple times before finally agreeing. she is a true siren.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:23pm

  165. 165: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Diane Keaton – Love her!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:25pm

  166. 166: TamNo Gravatar says:

    oh yeah, Diane Keaton is another good one…Barbara Streisand too..

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  167. 167: goldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    Hey guys, how can tehr be so many new posts since I wa slast online this afternoon (UK Time). Wow, best get reading. I feel betetr tonight, this is always the thing to know and remember. I may feel awful in the morning but then i feel Ok in the evening. It is possible to feel better and whole. The sadness is lessening , in a couple of weeks it will be even less. I will really see those amazing sunsets outside my window, and enjoy them purely for what they are. Happy summer (((((((((((all sirens)))))))))))))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:28pm

  168. 168: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay turmeric for my moms :)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:32pm

  169. 169: lkNo Gravatar says:

    starla, i like jane eyre & lady ygraine : )

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:33pm

  170. 170: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Weird, I friended a local musician on fb the other day, and I looked at his profile and saw he was in a relationship. And I thought to myself “they’re going to break up.” I don’t know why… I just thought it. There were no signs that led me to this conclusion. And they broke up the next day.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:34pm

  171. 171: lkNo Gravatar says:

    hi, daria! thanks for telling me about your money honey : ))))) i feel happy hearing that…. i feel nice to see you write my name too : ))))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:38pm

  172. 172: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yes! Katniss!!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:41pm

  173. 173: goldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    128: Starla says:
    Jasmine, I wish mine would come back. And say SOMETHING. But I’m just telling myself that will never ever happen. I’m just cuttin my losses and telling myself he’s not the one for me. Even though I feel it in my bones we are going to be together one day. It could be decades from now. Who knows. I’m trying to let it go.

    Let it go. If he is able to step up at any point he will do it all by himself. Let him go, by any means necessary to your gloriousness. I am doing this too. NC and our NO is our warrior power, and it is a wnderful strong thing to do full of love for out self and our values. Honour your bridge always. Starla you are inspiring to me. Do not limit your options, there are many wonderful men you have yet to meet.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:58pm

  174. 174: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “If he is able to step up at any point he will do it all by himself.”

    :) Yes. This is the very definition of stepping up. Just as, as a woman, I must “step up” on my own to own my own triggers and emotional sh*t. We can help each other and inspire each other, but at the end of the day, we must step up on our own, or the relationship is flimsy.

    It feels so nice to read that I am inspiring you. I have so many people telling me this these days!! And I am seriously inspiring myself!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:02pm

  175. 175: CaseyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori and all of the wonderful ladies on this site,
    I’m not sure if this is the best place to write on this site right now, or if I should post this on another thread because it isn’t directly related to the original post, but I’ve posted in the “your stories” section and am under the impression that most people don’t read those frequently anymore.
    Anyways, first of all, I just want to say thank you to all of the ladies for sharing your stories on these posts and for being supportive of so many other women (and men), even if some of us (like myself) don’t post here often. I feels very comforting to know that when I need a place to turn, this blog is here.
    I’ll give a little background information, then launch into my current question/concern.
    I last posted on this site several years ago when I had broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I really just couldn’t feel good in the relationship. I had read a lot of the great advice on here and wanted to feel comfortable with me before trying to be comfortable in a relationship. I dated several men in the time that we were split up, but was still living in a shared house with my ex. Overall, things went well and eventually we decided to give it another try. By that time, I had regained some confidence I had lost (which usually came out as insecurity and jealousy), so didn’t feel insecure with him or jealous, or even like I had to be around him all the time. I knew what we were and that was enough for me.
    This is when something very interesting happened. I had gone back to school and started a full time job at around the same time, so was feeling very good about myself. Our relationship was going well, there was none of the anxiety I had previously felt about whether he really wanted to be with me or not. Then, he started having jealous reactions to some of the things that I was doing, so I tried to be more communicative with him so that he could feel comfortable with the kind of “new” me. Eventually, he asked me to marry him, and even then, I was very up front with him about the jealousy thing. I told him that I have always been a busy-body, and even if I don’t work all the time, I’m not going to stay home all the time. I just don’t work that way. I love to travel and learn and take classes, and I have been like that forever (I traveled alone a lot from when I graduated high school until I was 25). It’s just who I am. He agreed and said that he was ok with that, so we got married.
    Since we’ve been married, 1.5 years, the jealousy hasn’t stopped. When we first started dating 5 years ago, I don’t remember him being that jealous, but I may have been more insecure than him and more focused on my own insecurities. I know he used to tell me that I was “too friendly” and that some guys would get the wrong impression, so at the time, I thought it was me. I don’t feel that way any more though. Now, there are times when I feel like I can’t even go to events with him because he’s going to think that some guy or other is hitting on me, or I’m looking at someone, or something like that. He’s never been violent towards me, but twice he has thrown huge fits in public over it. It’s not every time we go out, but it’s often enough that I never know when it’s going to happen. It also tends to happen when he’s drinking, which I’m aware of and nervous about.
    I should also mention that he’s even made “jokes” about it regarding my work and things like that, which I’ve told him don’t feel good. Also, I am the major breadwinner in our marriage because he is not from this country and I was already established when we met. He works in the arts and has had his work cut way back over these 5 years. He has also had a girlfriend cheat on him in the past, so I know he is insecure in that way. I know that his insecurities are his to deal with and I can’t fix them for him. Things are just becoming a struggle and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve talked with him about trust and things like that, and he’ll tell me he trusts me, but then turn right around and tell me that he thinks I’m cheating on him.
    I feel so afraid I’m going to resent him at some point. I also really don’t like feeling restricted and stifled (which I’ve told him). Obviously, it’s come to a point where I’m at a loss. I want our marriage to work, but I cannot lose myself. Any ideas/advice/suggestions would be very very much appreciated.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:02pm

  176. 176: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I feel very misunderstood by women. Some women say I am TOO nice and not angry enough. And others say I am too angry and attacky.

    I love me, though:)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:34pm

  177. 177: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I am going to keep channeling this warrior spirit of mine into physical outlets.

    I had to scale back on the politics stuff because it was too much for me to handle, but tonight I’m going ‘to battle” for the cause and I think my adrenals are responding a bit prematurely (like how triggered I felt by FW and how triggered and misunderstood I feel by Rori and FW). Love my adrenals for doing exactly what they’re supposed to do.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:37pm

  178. 178: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hey! that musician i posted about in 169 just private messaged me. haha, i knew it! i had a weird feeling this was all going to happen.

    how strange.

    i’d like to attend some sort of workshop about channeling my intuition more constructively. it’s getting sharper and sharper.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:40pm

  179. 179: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, thank you for your comment. I did do just that yesterday, just stepped out on porcho for a while as it was raining hard

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:45pm

  180. 180: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – Hi – I want to keep up here so I can get as connected to you as possible, because, as you know, I value you tremendously. What you say here, is for me, where I feel my job is: “I WAS specifically attacking in this case. Sometimes, however, with men, I come off as attacking when I’m really not meaning to.”

    In my world, I can’t open up some of the time and not others. I can’t attack some of the time and not others. Then we get into judgment and analysis about when we should shut down and when we should attack, and when we shouldn’t. I say jettison all that and simply stay open and undefended 100% of the time – and not even BELIEVE in the concept of attack. (And this is from a woman who reads military science fiction and follows imaginary war battles in space….)

    The thing is the belief in attack as any kind of option. Or defense, for that matter. The literature and stories around Non-Violent Communication as set out originally is the successful disarming of rapists, murderers, all kinds of folks on the “attack” through the use of Non-Violent Communication. (I use some of it in my Feeling Messages…but NVC goes further in a more “boy” approach where you are actively engaging with the “attacking” person and doing what you do with everyone – deciphering what THEIR NEEDS are – through the statements you make to them and the questions you ask.

    Essentially it’s getting into a kind of “fellowship” or sisterhood, where you realize that everything you perceive as “coming at you” is simply another person trying to get their needs met. And while we’re triggered to fear, or anger, or whatever – the simple answer is to allow the other person to feel heard, and to at least acknowledge what their needs might be.

    Yeah, it’s a bother. Yeah, it means taking the focus off ourselves and considering what’s going on with the other person. And yeah, it won’t work if it’s done with an “agenda,” and it won’t work if it’s done without some compassion – both for yourself and for the other person – but primarily for yourself. And it really won’t work if you’re pretending to care about what the other person’s needs are.

    Actions and words are just the outward manifestation of what’s going on inside us. And when we use everything that happens around us to help us discover “where we’re coming from” – it’s amazing the kind of “wholeness” and peace you can start feeling.

    Yes, I know that it’s easy for a gorgeous, strong woman to get unwanted attention from men, and it’s easy for a caring woman to be besieged by people who want her to care for them. And yet – there are ways to deal with that that don’t involve shutting down or attacking.

    I’ll keep writing about this…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:57pm

  181. 181: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – I’m missing the discussions between you and FW – I’ll look for it, both of you…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:57pm

  182. 182: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I should have just ignored Esteemed’s comment, I suppose. I mean, I could have. In my mind, I thought, “oh well she’ll just say how upset she is that I don’t respond to her, like any time I don’t acknowledge her addressing me.” but that is putting myself in a victim place. I assumed that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t be good enough, unless I gave her exactly what she wanted. I don’t deal with this in real life, but maybe one day I will, when I’m married.

    i did feel victimized as a non-chr*stian. And as someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy the quality of communication that goes on between me and this other person.

    I dunno. I really will think about what you’re saying.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:03pm

  183. 183: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    wooo my adrenals are ON. Maybe I should leave work earlier and get to the political warrior work on my agenda tonight.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:04pm

  184. 184: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Elaine – I don’t want to tell you to do or not do anything. You’re a grown-up woman. You get to make your OWN rules. He’s decided (and he has every right to make this decision) to do whatever his granddaughter asks of him – even if it hurts your feelings. There IS no “right or wrong” here. It’s only what you can tolerate and be okay with, and what you can’t. If it were me, and I loved him, and he was great in other ways to me, and it felt good to be with him, and I was 72 and wanted to continue to date him – I’d make peace with the granddaughter thing, accept everything he’s got in “first position” and see how it plays out.

    Over time, the granddaughter may come to like, or even love you, and want you around. Right now – she’s freaked out about you – and that’s understandable from her vantage point – and she clearly not only THINKS she has power over grandpa – she truly DOES. At only 2 months dating – you have no choice. He’s made it clear it’s not negotiable. Either accept it all or reject him completely – there is no gray area – and complaining or trying to talk him into including you or making you “first” will only drive him away.

    If you don’t like the situation, then dump him. If you can live with it, try living with it. Just don’t complain. It’s either Yes or No. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:07pm

  185. 185: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    why is it so taboo to just say some people are crazy-making? like, i’m open to everything you have to say, Rori. But sometimes some people are just toxic and I don’t want to play in the sandbox with them. I don’t want to be responsible for talking the psychos/rapists/murderers out of being psycho. Mostly I’d like to stay away. I wasn’t born yesterday; I know who I should stay away from, and who is kinda “off” in their heads. And maybe I come off this way to other people, too! But it’s their right to stay away, too.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:11pm

  186. 186: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – I’m interested in your dream. I love dreams and I believe they have power. May I offer an interpretation?

    You may have already intuited your own meaning, so if I write something here that’s totally off, just disregard it. I feel a little nervous writing this, and I hope I’m not being presumptuous. I’m curious to know what you think/feel about the following…

    So you’ve been visualizing a new man in your life – the one who is really right for you? And he appeared in this dream? I think this means he is on his way to you. When he finds you he wil be ready to free himself from “the Matrix,” which I interpret as the web of useless beliefs we humans hang onto which keep ourselves from achieving our full potential. He is looking for freedom now. You will be the missing puzzle piece he was searching for. I believe Rori when she says that a man CAN NOT get to this mysterious place on his own, but only through connection with a Siren.

    You say you connected the new Visualization Man with CF in your mind during the dream. I suspect your dream is telling you that with Visualization Man, you will FEEL the same intense attraction and connection you felt toward CF. (Is it still hard for you to believe you could feel this intensely toward someone other than CF?) The sense of freedom and awakening you felt with Visualization Man in your dream is what you are on your way to feeling with him in real life – without the dampening effects that CF’s unwillingness to step up caused.

    The last part of the dream is about your struggle. When you lost the Visualization Man in exchange for CF, and spent the rest of the dream brooding over him, or calculating how to get him back: I think this is about how your CF fixation (and I use that phrase with total empathy) is getting in your way – draining your power and keeping Visualization Man at a distance, possibly preventing him from finding you. (I realize that you are very self aware and you’re currently working on that issue. I believe in you, and I feel confident that you WILL rise above it. And I extend that same confidence to myself, even with the things I’ve been struggling with. This feels good.)

    I think your dream is a prophecy telling you that once you have achieved the confidence and freedom you seek, Vizualization Man will manifest in your life. And nothing will be the same after that.

    I think you are very close to all the things you seek. And I feel excited for you, and a little nervous because I know I’ve written some things that are pretty personal and I hope I haven’t made too many assumptions. If I have blundered, please forgive my impulsive, uninvited interpretation… I often feel excited when I hear or experience meaningful dreams, because I find such deep meaning in them.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:16pm

  187. 187: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lily Medusa

    Wow, that brings tears to my eyes.
    Thank you. 100% resonated for me. Seriously. You should do this for a living.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:19pm

  188. 188: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I have to go, and I can’t wait to get home and read the dream interpretation again!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:19pm

  189. 189: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    (((Linda))),

    157

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:21pm

  190. 190: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel good after posting that interpretation just now, because it took my mind off feeling so yucky and triggered from something that happened this morning. I have been spending waaay more time than usual with J, what with one thing and another. Everything has gone smoothly for 2 weeks with A LOT of extra time together, and in these last few days I have been thinking about how good I will feel when I get a few days to myself.

    I had slept over at his house. I drew him a funny cartoon depicting a coworker he hates. It made him laugh his a$s off. As I was leaving he handed me a dollar and asked me if I would get him a Peace Tea before I went home. I brought the tea to his work (right next to his house, so my total errand took like 5 minutes) and when I showed up he had my cartoon hanging in a cabinet. He was feeling laughy and (clearly without thinking) said something like “ha ha ha, what if Emily comes over and looks in this cabinet, she will laugh, ha ha ha.”

    Now, Emily is the cute, young, blonde daughter of the owner of the shop where J works. She is best friends with J’s little sister and has known J forever. He thinks she is cute and cool and he often criticizes her husband. Also, she lives in a neighborhood very close to J’s. Emily comes to visit her dad and brother who work at the shop, and she often stops to chat with J.

    So when J said that, I felt overcome with a surge of jealousy! Insecurity! Suspicion! Like, WTF?! This girl feels comfortable enough to go walking around J’s private workspace opening cabinets and shit? If so, she’s more comfortable in his space than I am, for godsakes! And why is she the first person to pop into his head?

    I let myself feel all upset but didn’t say anything, just smiled and accepted his hug and left. I am certain he felt my vibe shift (he’s very sensitive to my vibe that way). I didn’t want to fight about it then, but for hours now I have been feeling like I DO want to fight about it. Wild accusations and horrid fantasies have been running through my head.

    Obviously I’m totally triggered. I’d really like to be on my own this afternoon/evening and get in a better feeling mode with myself. But I agreed to practice with him tonight, since our little backyard band is playing at his grandfather’s birthday party tomorrow. Arrrgh.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:43pm

  191. 191: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Awwww, Starla, thank you! (188) I feel so good reading that.

    Wow, I have recently been imagining how great it would feel to interpret dreams for a living. Thanks for your suggestion – that is very meaningful for me. I have had a vague-ish plan to do something specific to put that out there, and now I feel inspired to really do it!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:48pm

  192. 192: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and Starla, I am waaaaay curious about what you are doing for the legalization campaign. Represent! Legalize it! Yay! Best of luck to you, whatever it is.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:51pm

  193. 193: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla ~ i get called ‘too nice’ all the time and I find it so frustrating and also confusing, I mean what is ‘too nice’??

    I also get called ‘opinionated’?? Geees I can’t win….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:54pm

  194. 194: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    What I’ve noticed about myself is how little I notice other people. I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts, feelings and concerns I don’t notice or register others… Hmmmm???

    I was with a male friend tonight and I felt sad because for the first time ever I felt like I take him for granted… I don’t really read him, if you know what I mean. I am often accued of this?

    How do I change ? How do i tune into others better???

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:14pm

  195. 195: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Healing Waterfall,

    135 – Ouch. That was harsh. But you do make sense. But sometimes when I was with my boyfriend it was only sex… some others it felt like more than that. Cause you can tell the difference can’t you? I don’t know.

    If I had known about this blog none of this would have happened. It would probably have been a totally different story. I won’t dwell on the past though, it died for a reason. I will for sure watch myself before I get involved with somebody else. Had a lot to learn.

    Thanks a lot!!
    I liked your perspective.

    Hugs,

    Jasmine

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:43pm

  196. 196: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Heading over to J’s for practice now. I will LEAVE exactly at 10pm (that’s the agreement with his upstairs neighbor about how long we can jam). I’m feeling a big desire for some Medusa boundaries right now, and this is a clear one for me today. I want to get to bed on time and feel good going to work in the morning. I am NOT sleeping over at his house again tonight. If he asks me about my jealousy issue, I’ll be honest. So there.

    Mainly I’m announcing this now so I will feel accountable and not cave in to lazily sleeping over with him instead of driving home. It’s so much easier to keep a goal when I have it written down (especially publicly).

    ((((me))))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:51pm

  197. 197: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    140 – I guess it can happen. But I don’t want to think it happened to me, although things point out that way.

    Btw is that you on the picture?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:53pm

  198. 198: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori from my end I read Starla’s comment sharing her dream. The dream was shared in comment 24 and ended with the word “lame”. I read it as meaning she thinks she is lame because she was agonizing the rest of the night about her ex. So I shared that in comment 25 that it reads like someone judging themself as lame. One of the reason I pointed it out is because I have experienced that things can fly below the radar of our consciousness but when we write and speak, these things come out and others who are not closely tied to the situation can see it easier than the particular individual. Also I tend to focus on words because I notice that men have a tendency to kind of explain words differently than we do. I also believe that when we change our words we can change our lives including our internal world where we use certain words to describe ourselves and damage our self-esteem.

    It was only out of concern that I pointed it out but I totally appreciate that words on a screen can be taken in any direction.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:03pm

  199. 199: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – i notice yourself beating urself up in almost any post… i would flip all of my statements and rewrite it

    “What I’ve noticed about myself is how little I notice other people.

    “what ive noticed about myself is how caring and attentive i am! and that feels like smiling and opening up my chest…

    ‘I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts, feelings and concerns I don’t notice or register others… Hmmmm???’

    “i pay attention to myself and keep my focus on me and am also soft to others

    i feel like a huge diva ocean with soft waves…

    ive practiced this for myself and did notice big shifts overtime

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:07pm

  200. 200: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    I posted recently about the daughter of one of the Sirens, Lucy. Her daughter’s name is Caety, and here is some news.

    Caety is now mostly off oxygen during the days, but still on it for sleeping, and is going for short walks with oxygen support.
    BIG NEWS: The travel insurance company was denying any coverage of a medical flight home, due to “pre-existing medical conditions” that I believe they were aware of when they sold it to Caety. Due to some pressure from outside sources they are now covering most of the flight – about 12,000 dollars is still needed. If you can contribute anything every little bit will help. This total is much more reachable.

    So far, only a total of $510 has been donated. $1 $5 $10 $20 $30… whatever you can do. I ask unashamedly for everyone to help them.

    The total takes a few days to update so your donation may not show up right away. It says $80 right now but this is wrong.
    Chip In won’t let me changes the $85K total. We really only need about $12,000
    ChipIn: Bring Caety Home! Young woman needs medical flight from Denmark to USA!
    caetymyer.chipin.com

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:48pm

  201. 201: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Holy cow!! The man I went to see tonight at the legalization campaign was 90% the likeness of the guy I’ve been visualizing. Seriously! I could feel it in my bones when I was walking there tonight that he would remind me of the image i’ve had in my head, even though i’ve never met the guy before.

    We flirted and had a great time. I didn’t think of CF ONCE. And I helped the cause out:)

    I feel great. The universe is SERIOUSLY communicating with me.

    Then the guitarist of my favorite local band called me to ask me out. It felt sweet.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:07pm

  202. 202: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    wow and that other musician i friended (see 170) messaged me on fb just now to ask me out for coffee!

    i feel like a hot commodity hehe

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:09pm

  203. 203: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    192 lily medusa, awww i feel so happy to hear how supportive you are! we are trying to legalize it in my state. I used to work for the campaign for a year and half as a director.

    i met my replacement there tonight… looks so much like the guy i’ve been visualizing. Somehow I knew he would, but not all the way. I just knew the universe wanted to tell me “it’s coming. you’re getting warmer…”

    crazy.

    i feel hopeful about what the universe has in store for me.

    I want to learn more about my intuition. It’s pretty amazing.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:14pm

  204. 204: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s the Basic Drill for Practicing Circular Dating (the Hows of it, all the nuts and bolts, every baby step, is in my Targeting Mr. Right program):

    1. Love yourself hard (hug yourself often and never beat yourself up for mistakes)
    2. Set it up so you’re in the middle of opportunity – online and where you go and what you do
    2. Once you’re in the middle of opportunity – practice just being – instead of doing
    3. Smile at everyone you see if you’re feeling good – and if you’re not feeling good – work on THAT
    4. Talk with every man who talks to you first.
    5. Go out with every man who asks you unless he frightens you.
    6. Get curious – about the world and everyone in it and everyone you see and talk to
    7. Listen
    8. Feel
    9. Express instead of Impress (forget all about what anyone else thinks – you just love YOU)
    10. Speak the Truth
    11. Speak only about yourself. No gossip, no analyzing him or anyone else, no judging. Just YOU.
    12. Be Surprised

    Try these and see how it can change your love life practically overnight.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/done-being-single/

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:06pm

  205. 205: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman,

    204 – I like that. It actually made me think about earlier today, I went to the cafeteria and a friend of mine sees me and asks me “why do you look so happy?” LOL. It’s all about the attitude, people notice you whenever you have good vibe. Keeping it up!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:16pm

  206. 206: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    When do people stop shooting fireworks? These people are now driving me nuts, I can’t even sleep! Ugh

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:18pm

  207. 207: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “9. Express instead of Impress (forget all about what anyone else thinks – you just love YOU)”

    this is a hard one for me. I did this a few times tonight, with all 3 guys.

    it’s just…i’m so impressive:D. and i want them all to know.

    Fortunately, I am also very very expressive and talk in feeling messages extensively, so it surely balances it out and mitigates most “damage” here. But I intend to soften up in this area.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:20pm

  208. 208: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    How old are you Starla?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:22pm

  209. 209: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I am texting R right now, and he lightly brought up our conflict. I decided to go with what you said, and I lightly addressed it in feeling messages via text!!! It went well! We are back on beautiful topics now!

    Thanks a lot! I feel like we broke the ice and now it will feel comfortable to bring it up anytime, anywhere.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:26pm

  210. 210: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    How long has it been since you don’t see R in person?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:28pm

  211. 211: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    jasmine 208 – I’m 27. you?

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:38pm

  212. 212: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Lena,

    I read your posts in the last thread. I wonder if he wants to talk to you because maybe he really DOES want to work it out. Have you seen him yet? I would just go with it and do my best to speak calmly in feeling messages, “I feel sad; angry; upset; scared; or what-have-you”.

    Sometimes when it gets confusing and goes back and forth really fast, I find it helps to clear things up and calm me down by just backing away for a bit and giving it some time and space.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:39pm

  213. 213: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    210 – I saw R last week when he helped me take the kittens to the vet while I was at work. Before that, I hadn’t seen him in 4 months.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:59pm

  214. 214: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Smile,

    129 – I feel happy for you! I find in the fine details of a relationship, it is where it really happens. I break down my interactions a lot, so I can fine tune how I relate.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:08pm

  215. 215: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I was feeling uncomfortable and very masculine paying for things. It’s something I’ve been doing for so long with men, and it’s just always felt bad, and I wanted to start fresh and feel more like a girl. How would you like to handle money while we’re dating?”

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:20pm

  216. 216: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    uuugggghhhh….

    ok Rugby Man and I just got back from spending the WEEK 12 hrs north where I grew up and it felt amazing…

    we got back earlier today…then I had school tonight and I feel exhausted…it’s Rugby Man’s birthday today and he said he is grabbing a beer with his buddies (men and their girlfriends) who I’ve met them all…and he invited me…

    BUT I feel too tired so I declined and now I’m feeling guilty…like I should go out because it’s his birthday. He said it was ok that I didn’t go…

    I wanted him to go and do his thing and I feel more than happy to stay home and go to sleep earlier…so that’s what I’m doing!!! :) I do feel happy I’m doing what feels best to me..

    any thoughts???

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:47pm

  217. 217: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed – great! now DONT bring it up! just be prepared IF he does and FM it – Vigilantly

    but if he doesn’t ever bring it up again that’s fine too

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:28pm

  218. 218: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Jilly)))) that one’s tough. I would feel guilty too.

    then again tired gf = ew

    maybe when you’re feeling soo rested you’ll be inspired to give back in ‘other ways’

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:30pm

  219. 219: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it feels left out and i feel anxiou being left out

    i feel all this resentment

    this blocked wall tension

    i love my blocked wall tension

    i feel so terrified

    i feel sad

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:33pm

  220. 220: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I went and i took a hit of tincture of st joans wort

    omg!

    i really do feel different in mood

    im liking this!

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:36pm

  221. 221: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    ((Daria))

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:09pm

  222. 222: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I did come back. Not quite at ten, but at eleven. And that’s okay. I feel proud of me anyway. ((me))

    I kinda felt weird when I left. His goodbye was not quite as loving as I had… hoped? expected? fantasized? Or maybe it was me that was off.

    I already felt weird from the jealousy thing earlier, and from the tons of extra time with him these past few weeks, with so little time to myself. I’m missing my evening walks that I take on my nights when I’m with myself. I’m feeling like I’ve done a lot of the “us” thing this past two weeks, and now I’m yearning to do some “me” things and let him chase after me a bit more. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen any of my girl friends. I will certainly devote most of next week to Medusa. As for this weekend, I’ll see how I feel.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:19pm

  223. 223: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, that is tooooo cool about the guy who took your place. I feel excited for you.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:33pm

  224. 224: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, thanks so much for posting that Circular Dating drill. That really helps me! I was so excited to see it that I wrote the steps in my current notebook so I can refer to it often. Thanks FW, and thanks Rori for writing it.

    What are the guidelines for if I’m at a social event with my guy and other men approach me? Do I talk and interact with them just as I would if J were not in the vicinity? I have a fear that I’d get carried away and hurt his feelings.

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:42pm

  225. 225: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    Thanks for the input. I’m not sure I understand completely though?

    Also, reading my post again a thought came to me that as usual I am beating myself up for not being there for other people, and completely ignoring the fact that they are not there for me either.

    I think I over think things a lot….

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:49pm

  226. 226: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly, I agree with Daria. Depending on how close you are with him and how you feel about it… well, if it was me and I was close with him, I’d possibly just make some nice gesture honoring his birthday. Nothing too giving-y, but maybe like a card? I don’t know how close you two are to each other, so I don’t know if that would feel normal in your situation or if it would feel like leaning forward to you (if not, I wouldn’t do it).

    If he is close with you (and it sounds like he was genuinely hoping to have you along), he sounds pretty cool and understanding. How nice that he wants you to relax and feel good and it’s not all about him and his birthday. It sounds to me like he cares about you. :-)

    Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:51pm

  227. 227: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    This post sounds like you are beating yourself up. Hope you don’t mind me saying that.

    it feels left out and i feel anxiou being left out

    i feel all this resentment

    this blocked wall tension

    i love my blocked wall tension

    i feel so terrified

    i feel sad

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:03am

  228. 228: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared of contacting MrU for something trivial that I need. I have been contemplating this for days now and I just can’t get myself to do it. What’s up with that? Grr.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:04am

  229. 229: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I believe in you! I bet he wants to help you.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:06am

  230. 230: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Yawn… I am so tired… Going to bed now.

    Yay for music!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:07am

  231. 231: TamNo Gravatar says:

    229 thank you Lily Medusa, yes I know he does, still. I don’t know why I feel like this.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:13am

  232. 232: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so glad Daria has pointed this out to me. I feel it is done in a really caring way. I don’t know where my tendancy to beat myself up comes from. It is a sore point for me?!

    Thank you Daria.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:20am

  233. 233: BoasgirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel unloved,

    i feel scared,

    i feel like everything is slowing down –

    i love my fear and my sadness –

    i feel something in my chest, warm, heavy, sad, like water, running up through my throat –

    i feel tired in the muscles, even my fingers, as i’m writing this -

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:20am

  234. 234: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Thanks for posting the circular dating drill. My only issueis wirh this statement:

    11. Speak only about yourself. No gossip, no analyzing him or anyone else, no judging. Just YOU.

    I feel very self concious talking about myself. I have had such negative reactions in the past I feel it has made me very shy in expressing myself to men. I am much better at listening than talking and I like to ask lots of questions.

    I fear men rolling their eyes at me, or judging me. I have had it so many times and feel almost grateful if I don’t get that reaction, and I’m sick and tired if having to feel grateful. Does that make sense?

    I just want the conversation to be easy and flow…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:28am

  235. 235: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    87: Tam

    *** Oh,I know he loves me. But he makes all his future planning without me, and he does’t offer a commitment.
    He offered to marry me (half-heartedly) and I said:
    ‘I would never do this to you, because I know that this is not your wish nd I respect you too much to ask this of you’.
    So no, I never put pressure on him in any way. ***

    ???
    He does not offer a commitment yet he offered to marry you?

    ***I would never do this to you, because I know that this is not your wish***
    He might have understood you were simply refusing to marry him. He might have been under the impression that your answer was a projection and you, Tam, would not do that to yourself because marrying him is not what you, Tam, wish to do,

    ***because I know that this is not your wish nd I respect you too much to ask this of you***
    Tweak to get back into my body:
    “I respect MYSELF too much to marry a man when I don’t feel 100% wanted by him. (or when I don’t want him 100%)”

    *** I know it is not your wish***
    This could be perceived by the man as you saying he is an idi*t, he does not know what he is doing when he proposes to a woman. Or he is a liar or something that won’t make him feel tall.

    ***I respect you too much to ask this of you***
    You don’t ASK for marriage, you allow men to step in the space around you to propose to you. Then you accept one among the ones who propose to you. But don’t put yourself in the position to be the one asking for marriage to one unique man.
    You make your requirements be known clearly but you do not ask anything to any one man, you let them feel inspired to meet the requirements or to move on.
    You sent him the message he was not proposing to you from his own heart because he wanted to. You made it sound he was only doing a chore, denying the possibility of any feelings. You cut his b*lls off.

    ***He offered to marry me (half-heartedly)***
    I don’t know that a man is half hearted when a man proposes to me.
    All I know is he proposes to me, which is something he rarely does in his life time.
    How many times in his life is a man inspired to propose? May it be to help you with your papers or may it be because he wants to live with you and have babies with you.
    He proposed to you, his energy was into giving to you his precious legal freedom, his social status as a single man, his family name!!!!! He took the risk you’d ask him for alimony when you divorce from him, and you’d inherit from his family and much more. It jeopardizes his own dating, you know, it is very difficult to convince another woman that he is engaged to her when his name and his finances are legally tied with you! Any other woman he would date would get that his energy is into you for the moment, even if it is said it is only for the papers.

    His heart was into being tied down to you legally!

    Could it be you expected the proposal to be done in a certain way, so you don’t recognize your wish is happening when it is happening because it does not wear the colours you imagined it would wear?

    He might whole heartedly have told you he wants to marry you to help with papers.
    I mean if you told him you need marriage for visa papers, he might not feel inspired to propose for love and babies. He staid within the closed small “paper” box created for your relationship.
    And if your heart wants him to propose to you for love and babies, your heart is telling your mind you can’t do that to yourself, you can’t accept a “paper only” marriage. And you project it on him and say “I would not do that to you”.

    His heart might have felt blocked from proposing to you in a romantic way because his heart is dealing with a woman who says she needs marriage for visa papers.
    Yet he did offer marriage. His energy was into making you happy. And into keeping you close to him.

    Or could it be you know deep down you don’t feel like settling with this man and have his children?
    He might have been whole heartedly wanting to marry you, for whatever reason of his, while you would have been the one not feeling what you want to feel with a husband. You might be the one who felt half hearted about marrying him.

    ***I would never do this to you,***
    sounds castrating. Male energy.
    You are controlling his ideas, his impulse to give to you. You don’t trust his ability to know what is good for him and what he can do or can not do for himself. He offers to marry you, that’s his business, you have no business in judging he does not know what he is doing. He is offering to give to you and you brushed him away.
    When he proposes to you, you are not “doing” anything to him by accepting. He is the one taking the decision to marry you. He is a big boy, he owns his proposal, but you took it from him. By saying what you said, you make it sound the proposal is your action, your decision, and would be done against his free will, like controlling him, making him a toy in your hands.

    Trust the man to know what he is doing with himself and trust him to be doing what he wants to do. When he says “I can marry you, if you want”, then it means he can marry you if you want.
    So “what you want” is your focus.
    You stay inside your body and you find what you want for yourself.

    And you can
    refuse the proposal because you don’t love the man who proposes.
    or
    refuse the proposal because you don’t want to be married in such and such circumstances.
    or
    refuse the proposal because you don’t feel cherished and safe.
    or
    you can accept the proposal.

    Whatever works for you. As long as it comes from you and is about you and is for your best interest. As long as it feels good.

    I could say “wow I feel moved by the proposal. And at the same time I feel confused because we spoke so much of my “papers” issue. I want to marry for love, to feel cherished by my husband and plan our lives together.. . What do you think? “
    And I’d leave space for him to switch and speak of a loving committed marriage with me.

    If not, if he says clearly “oh! Sorry, I meant I can marry you for the papers. I want to help you out because I love you. I don’t feel like settling down and make babies and plan everything with you, it would only be a marriage on the paper.”

    then I can say:
    “aww I feel sad. I feel appreciative of your intention to help me, yet my heart is breaking to be offered an open marriage by a man I have romantic feelings for. I don’t think I can do that to MYSELF. I can not accept such proposal.”

    That’s a refusal FOR YOURSELF, FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS AND SELF ESTEEM.
    It makes it clear that you know your own worth, you don’t refuse for his sake but for YOURS.
    You are number one in your own life. You take care of yourself. Which makes you a safe woman to be married to.
    It also makes it clear you expect a husband committed to your marriage.
    The clearer you are, the more chances Universe will send what you want.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:38am

  236. 236: BoasgirlNo Gravatar says:

    a review of the past months –

    i have worked more than before, which for the most part felt good, but i also realize that i need to practice saying no to things i don’t want, or that feel like they will be too much for me –

    i have been obsessing about mr. x, and it was brought to a point of culmination, and i feel like i have relased him now, more than before –

    i feel more open to meeting new men

    in april i went to nyc for the first time in my life – it felt amazing, and also just to follow a dream, do something for myself felt like a real breakthrough –

    i feel tired now, like i want to relax, recapture my energy, re-understand things –

    i feel empty, and full at the same time

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:55am

  237. 237: TamNo Gravatar says:

    235 – Zara, wow, thanks so much for this…I love what you wrote…but there is more to the story.

    He ‘asked me’ to marry him while I was with another man who wanted to marry me. And it came up whilst I discussed it with him. He said:
    ‘I am worried that you marry this guy, I would do it for you, but it has to be a win-win situation. If I could go and live in … (he wants to live somewhere else), then that would be good deal’.
    So whatever he did or didn’t say, for me that isn’t a serious proposal, and I felt he was just trying to pull me away from my then bf so that we could have a ‘relationship’ that suits him, one without commitment. But I don’t know. He actually said (haha) ‘you can have my name if you want’. Too funny.

    If he asked me seriously to marry him I’d do it at a shot…believe me. But I felt he was offering ‘tit for tat’ and as soon as I had split up with my then bf (for other reasons but also because he came back), he retrackted on the marriage offer and from then on started saying ‘why don’t you marry soandso’ – which of course it out of the question.

    It was indeed big del tht he even offered, s he never even lived with anyone before, but I don’t know the motive. I think he just wanted to help me, he hs referred to himself s not being a one-woman man and that says it all to me.
    And no, I did not want to put pressure on him (you don’t know the history), as he used to have mental problems and gets stressed with his business etc – I saw the man crack two years ago.
    As a matter of fact when I said that I ‘did not expect him to help me in that way’ he was relieved. I know he was. And then he did start contacting me more and opening up about a lot of things.

    I don’t know what to believe anymore. The baby thing: he always hinted at having babies (with me) but it was always jokingly, but he said it so many times I was beginning to wonder…and now I saw on his internet profile he wants kids….I don’t get it, I believe he might be confused – as he also wants to move to Europe…I really don’t know.
    I think all this contributes to not wanting to be in contact, it is just too painful in some ways….

    and as I told him that I want a committed relationship (not with him, in general) he said: oh, we want different things, I’d rather have fwb and you are not that type, so let’s be platonic friends…
    so what am I to make of this other than staying away Zara?! It’s a bit of a mess.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:43am

  238. 238: TamNo Gravatar says:

    OMG
    He might whole heartedly have told you he wants to marry you to help with papers.
    I mean if you told him you need marriage for visa papers, he might not feel inspired to propose for love and babies. He staid within the closed small “paper” box created for your relationship.
    And if your heart wants him to propose to you for love and babies, your heart is telling your mind you can’t do that to yourself, you can’t accept a “paper only” marriage. And you project it on him and say “I would not do that to you”.

    Zara, yes, that could well have been what happened…but who knows.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:54am

  239. 239: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel I can ever bring it up again, and I suspect he feels the same. It’s true, I did refuse it, because I did not feel it was genuine for one or the other reason, actually.
    Yet knowing this man he never retracts when he gives a word….hm…he is the exact opposite of unreliable….and he is a man of few words.
    Well, what’s done is done.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:02am

  240. 240: GoldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    “Holy cow!! The man I went to see tonight at the legalization campaign was 90% the likeness of the guy I’ve been visualizing. Seriously! I could feel it in my bones when I was walking there tonight that he would remind me of the image i’ve had in my head, even though i’ve never met the guy before.

    We flirted and had a great time. I didn’t think of CF ONCE. And I helped the cause out:)

    I feel great. The universe is SERIOUSLY communicating with me.

    Then the guitarist of my favorite local band called me to ask me out. It felt sweet.”

    Yay Starla. this is so exciting!! Sometimes crazy things do happen. Haha, this is a Friday gift!
    I’m feeling full of energy today, first time all week. I feel almost good!!! Re-activiated my match.com account last night, have had a couple of winks. Helps me to feel i have options again even if I take a while to be into dating. I feel I have given this ex enough energy now. This feeling may change again but today I feel I can see me and my plans, I am present in the now. Just wanted to share this. xx

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:10am

  241. 241: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    Number 1 and Number 2 signs of guys not worthy of dating, are rolled up into my man. I feel pathetic that I cannot end it. He’s let me down again tonight with no promised phone call and now not answering.
    I feel angry now though. Always a drama, always an excuse. God, I wish I was stronger.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:56am

  242. 242: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    #197. Yes it is me

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:33am

  243. 243: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    217 – Thank you! Yes, being prepared and everyone’s input really helped! I think there is more to discuss, but I feel like we reached some common ground on the big conflict.

    More was discussed, and I just chose my words carefully. I think it will come up again, but I will take it as it comes. Just to remind you, he is the one who keeps bringing it up.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:54am

  244. 244: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    R and I have been texting for a couple of hours this morning…he just told me he thinks I would be good in bed, LOL! Wow! This relationship is still a friendship, but it has most definitely turned a corner!

    He is no longer talking about a third person “woman”, but about ME.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:56am

  245. 245: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle girl says

    “When a man tells you that he has nothing to offer you- believe him. He doesn’t!! When a man wants you to do all the emotional work while he sits back and takes- you will just end up feeling resentful and drained and angry and crappy. It will be all wrong and nothing will fix it. He is not going to change. A leopard does not change his spots! He is a leopard and was all along!

    When a man tells you “I am not gonna chase you” believe him. He is not going to!! That means he does not care enough to make the effort to win you. PERIOD.

    This guy was/is not a man. He was/is a little boy in a man suit. He is also 56 years old!!! Chances are he is NEVER going to be any different. No wonder he never can keep a woman for very long and no wonder I got so angry at him. Geeeeze-I woke up from the dream at around 5 months and realized. WTF am I doing here?

    Well, what I was doing there was learning my boundaries are way out of whack and somehow I lost my real self and it did not feel good at all. And I was his “girlfriend” and yes that is a BIG mistake. He had me-and then proceed to treat me however he thought he could get away with. Oh I protested-many times, but always relented. I was too nice. Too loving.

    Then the sex wained off big time. Then he got remote and distant. Then the affection went away. He took me for granted. He called at the last minute to make plans.
    He put me last, not first as a priority.”

    OMG, I feel in synch with turtle girl apart from I married the Man and had two children with him.

    After doing Roris tools and the work on myself I now realize I was attracted to him because he felt like home to me and I was repeating the same abuse I got of my parents believing this was love.
    This was not and is not love it is pain torture pure and simple. :(

    I had made up my mind to baby step and get him and my children out of our lives after stating I will no longer tolerate being emotionally abused and have my children go through the same cycle. I want to create something better more loving for us.

    I stated that if he wanted a chance to co parent with me that I wanted him to take ownership that by telling either myself or our children that their feelings were wrong or blaming them was emotional abuse and to get help to not harm our children like this.
    Otherwise I would parent alone.

    He has agreed ( words only at the moment) and admitted that he has done what I allowed and would still not be getting any help if I allowed him not to.

    He felt my vibe that I really do mean this.
    I feel unsure on if this is really standing up for myself Or me going back to my old controlling ways.
    It would feel good to have some feed back on others thoughts on this.
    Part of me wants to give him a chance to become a loving parent.
    Part of me wants to say ” No more chances”
    OMG I know the brain is not fixed and I have certainly changed, so this leopard has changed her spots or is almost fully transformed.

    So can he change his?
    What do you think?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:46am

  246. 246: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl leopards change.

    Boys leopards dont.

    I have lived (without the children) in this type of situation. I was too loving, too nice. I did not keep my boundries. Made allowances and decisions for the betterment of him and I got lost. I was totally Off my bridge. I was not happy, he was not giving me anything I needed or wanted. Was uninterested in my dreams or investing in an us. He treated my dog (closest thing to a child living with me) harshly. I did not let him abuse him… but I have a really great little dog. The man would not even come to bed stayed and slept in front of the TV…gave me so littleaffection and if there was any it was “friend” type affection. He did not communicate with me during the day. (even a little hi hows your day going)….

    I talked to him many times, gave him many chances, nothing changed. He is gone now. I dont miss him at all.

    THe bottom line is for me. I am now FREE of this and him. I was not getting anything I wanted or needed. Only a little companionship once in a while.

    Look hard and long at you and your needs and make them FIRST! Walk and hold yourself first. PLEASE

    (Hugs)

    Linda

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:45am

  247. 247: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Today is day 5 and I miss him. I haven’t heard from him and I’m leaning waaaay back, won’t even think about it. But anyways, why are these feelings stronger in the morning, whenever I wake up? I can’t even sleep good lately.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:46am

  248. 248: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I am 22.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:47am

  249. 249: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Morning ladies:)
    I had a twisted dream featuring a different ex (lol, my brain), but I woke up in a great mood anyway.

    Lovin life.

    Gonna go to the gym. I discovered I can do a lot of push ups last night! My trainer always has me do them at the end of our sessions when I’m totally exhausted. But I tried doing them last night (in a lacy nightie, haha) out of curiosity, and I can totally do them! I am getting really strong.

    (((((((((((((blog)))))))))))))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:49am

  250. 250: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Annie…. I missed the part that said you were married sorry, I am not a proponent of dissolving marriages lightly.

    Please make your boundries and keep them for your sake and the kids.

    My situation was like what Turtle Girl said. I was not married to him.

    I was married for 27 years. He is a good man. He was not abusive, mean. He was all into other things but me, mostly church! I told him over and over what I wanted and needed. I told him I was unhappy. I finally told him I was not in love with him. I realized that what I needed, he had never given me. I had hoped for years that he would change and he didnt. Sadly, I left.

    I have just not seen a boy lepards change

    IF you can live with it then its ok.

    Linda

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 6:22am

  251. 251: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Friday, Sirens!

    I’m hoping Duke will ask me out this weekend . . . I know I have to lean back and wait for him to step up and do it this time, but it’s soooo hard! I know if I hinted that I wanted to do something with him this weekend, he would jump at it, but that isn’t what I’m going to do . . . I’m going to be a good siren and wait him out . . . I have plenty to do on my own all weekend if he doesn’t ask me out, but I really want to see him again soon – I want to know if there really is a connection between us . . . he goes slow, I can tell. Slow is good . . . lol – I’m just not used to it.

    He texted me last night and again this morning. He is keeping contact, he just isn’t taking that leap to actually make plans with me. His POF profile says he is shy . . . I’m not shy . . . LOL

    LEAN BACK Calypso . . .

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 6:48am

  252. 252: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Will any of you ladies forgive April Rose for being away (from the blog) for so long.
    You fickle b*tches probably didn’t even notice!!!

    Love you all xxxoooxxxooo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:08am

  253. 253: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    I just got a call from my attorney’s office. I have to go down there at lunch and pick up some papers. I have filed a suit against my ex-husband for me to be able to stop paying him alimony. It’s complicated and I won’t go into it all here, but I pay him a lot of money every month and yet I’m the one that all 3 of our sons live with and I pay for all of their needs, not him!

    Anyway – He has of course filed a counter suit to have his alimony increased. I knew he would do that.

    My problem is . . . I can feel my inner boy puffing up and getting ready for battle. My first court hearing is July 16th. I’ve been doing really well just letting that issue sit in the background unattended, but now that I know for sure that he has hired an attorney and plans to figh tooth and nail . . . I know my inner boy warrior will make himself known . . .

    How do i balance that witht he tools I am trying to learn for nurturing my inner siren? How do I snarl and gnash my teeth in the face of a horrible man who wants to continue taking from me and my sons and then swith that off and be all soft and lean-back-girly with a man I’ve just met???

    Ugh . . . maybe it’s a good thing Duke does go slow – maybe I don’t need to be around him durint this? problem is, this court situation will drag out for months – we will fight to the blood end.

    I don’t want to fight, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to just keep giving either – not unless the judge makes me!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:28am

  254. 254: lkNo Gravatar says:

    woosh i feel a big burning reading all that…. woosh !!!! wow….. ummmm………………………

    my boss just got mad at me for something really tiny while i think i’m doing a good job… i don’t believe in attack or defense… next time maybe i won’t make that error, but if I do, i forgive myself. i don’t really see it as an error. if it had been me who was the other party, i wouldn’t have perceived an error. i feel curious about how it’s a real error & that’s giving me a tummy ache because since i don’t understand the error, i substitute generic “Fatal Error” symptoms into my brainstomach…. heartmind, what do you think ? i want to leave & get away from these people. LOL good idea….. i really hxte making mistakes. it makes me feel worthless totally. like, what good is any of this if i’m not perfect ? LOL lk………. you’re an xdiot. that’s mean right there! see, i caught myself trying to attack myself… & thus send myself into defense… against myself…. it’s an auto-esteem disorder lol….. i caught myself in the car this morning saying over & over & over again, “i’m not an awkward human, i’m not an awkward human, i’m not an awkward human” … well…. i tell you what, that shxt made me feel real awkward LOL… : /

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:31am

  255. 255: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – hehe :) Awww thanks …
    That’s not beating myself up… That’s me feeling different feelings (most of them in that post not good)

    Beating myself up is like: what’s wrong with me, why am I so stupid, I’ll never have … , etc

    Even those – NVs – I write out sometimes to process

    What I was doing in that post writing those feelings is called Riffing

    It’s a Rori technique of shifting energy by getting aware and loving the emotions and sensations in my body

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:32am

  256. 256: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria and Lily Medusa :)

    I ended up falling asleep right after posting lol…yes I felt so tired last night.

    I woke up still feeling happy and relieved that I did not go out last night.

    I did get him a little card and gift :)

    I feel good about it…more like giving back than “giving” since he pays for EVERYTHING.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:34am

  257. 257: lkNo Gravatar says:

    my boss really really wanted me to Hear Him Out about this….. i wonder if he felt heard ? i didn’t Want to Hear Him lol…. sorry, bossman. my b. i didn’t mean to make you feel nervous about that small error. i DO understand that i could blow thousands of dollars on an error SIMILAR TO that one; HOWEVER, truly, that wasn’t really an Error………. sorry, dude. i feel annoyed to feel i’m surrounded by dummies too. sorry to give you that feeling…… but, btw, you get me like 1/2 price in my mind, so……. yeah, you’re lucky i show up. wow ! that’s such an attitude lk….. why are you so sassy-feeling? ok, yes, very angry. i hear you baby. really fxcking pxssed. wow…. that’s very… i hear your Man voice coming out….. let me cuddle you & fix your problems this weekend, ok ? who’s in charge? who’s doing this for me ? my man or my woman? i want them integrated. the woman can ride the lion. the woman can guide the force of the lion. ohh thank you : ) i like that visual… : )

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:38am

  258. 258: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso – Ooh! That sounds aggravating to the max. But also kind of exciting. You get to go to court! And do battle! My inner lawyer is getting all exciting. It is super fun to kick *ss in court. I can only imagine that it is more fun when it is your ex-husband who is being a (excuse my French) douche.

    Here is my best advice (take if you want) – this is from lawyers when I had a court issue myself: know what the laws are, very specifically. Courts don’t care about emotions or “what’s right” in a social sense. They care about the law. If you can USE the law to support your emotions/situation, you are golden. And it looks like you have everything on your side. But don’t assume that means it’s a done deal. You need to know what the laws stipulate EXACTLY – quote them, in face. I don’t know if you have a lawyer. If you are representing yourself, that is awesome! It means you can kick *ass even more.

    Bonne chance! (good luck on the 16th : )

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:40am

  259. 259: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    @ April Rose, I think you meant “b*tch” in a good way, right? (B.abe I.n T.otal C.ontrol of H.erself ; )

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:41am

  260. 260: HopefulNo Gravatar says:

    I feel 10 feet tall today. Actually, I started feeling 10 feet tall last night. And it is staying with me. I love this feeling. It is truly strong on the inside and soft on the outside.

    I never said anything about going to AA meetings to my husband this week. I did find myself acting a little codependent on Tuesday and Wednesday. I just noticed it and didn’t beat myself up for it. Was trying to be supportive and helpful cause I know he misses drinking right now. Thanks God is work is slow this week so at least he does not have that stress.

    He did not want to go to the 4th of July party because 1) I made him look like an a$$hole and 2) because on a hot day he just wants to drink a piture of beer. So he decided not to go.

    But I went. And I had fun. I went down this road when he quit drinking for a year in 2009. I was worried about him and looking after him and gave up way too much of myself in the process.

    But not this time. I am looking out for me. He does not want my help anyway.

    When I was at the marriage counselor last night, I told him my whole story about the angry comment my husband made and how I told him I would not talk about it until we could have a conversation that was not angry or emotional. And the marriage counselor told me I did exactly the right things.

    By the way, this marriage counselor is awesome. I really went to the best guy in town. He has written books and trained tons of other marriage counselors. I am in good hands.

    I told him I did NOT want to be codependent this time that my husband quit drinking.

    He told me that step one was to STOP being his counselor.

    He told me NOT to even mention the meetings to him. Let him decide on his own and do his own research.

    He told me to not talk about the marriage counseling appt unless my husband asked about it.

    He told me to keep up firmly holding my ground about not being in any angry or blaming conversations. He said if you need to leave the restaurant or the room, do it. And I will.

    He said that I have to keep my husband just a little uncomfortable, and be willing to leave the marriage if I have to. That is the key.

    I also asked him about how sensitive I am and how my feelings get hurt easy. He said I needed to toughen up, and not let him get to me.

    WOW. Such great advice. I left his office feeling like I am on the right path. Even if things don’t work out at least I am on the path to becoming a much happier self-empowered person.

    PS – Does a lot of this sound like Rori’s Toxic Man program advice or what?

    Any way, I went home, and the hubby knew where I was. I could feel the anger and crabbiness below the surface, but he didn’t say anything really unkind.

    And he never asked a word about the marriage counseling appt. My hunch is that he fully expected me to go into convincer mode and explain to him why we should go.

    But I kept my mouth shut about the marriage counselor. I kept my heart open and smiled at him. I was also smiling because the counselor was so incredibly right. So thrilled to have him in my court.

    He said the only thing I should say about the meetings is at some point if he seems really unhappy/agitated, I could say, you seem really unhappy these days. Do you have any plan to do something about it? And then let him talk. If he doesn’t want to talk, let it go.

    I am so proud of myself. I feel like all these months of working on myself have really payed off. And I feel like I have so many people in my corner (including this blog and the sirens on this blog).

    So, off to vacation tomorrow. I am going to stay happy. And if I have to leave the hotel room or restaurant or pool because I don’t like the way I am being treated, I will just simply tell him I don’t want to be criticized or yelled at and leave.

    The counselor also said that now that he has quit drinking, now the real work can begin.

    So onto phase 2.

    Also, he explained to me statistics and info on why most marriage counselors stink. And he said even when he is training marriage counselors, many of them have jaw drop moments when he says what he says to the class.

    Just amazing.

    I am 10 feet tall. Strong on the inside. Soft on the outside. Oh, and I changed my hair again this week too. I like it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:43am

  261. 261: lkNo Gravatar says:

    dxmn. it super wasn’t an error…. i solved a problem we were having !! LOL….. perspective, perspective……… but…. he doesn’t see it that way & he doesn’t want to see it that way & it doesn’t matter to me whether he sees it that way or not. it’s better for our relationship that he feel he is in a position of authority over me, regardless of how i perceive “hierarchical” relationships.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:44am

  262. 262: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – I have a lawyer – I borrowed $3000 from my uncle, which was something I have never done before (borrow money from falily or friends), but I felt it was 100% necessary.

    The case is by far not going to be open/shut. My Ex has been on Disability, which is why I had to pay Alimony to begin with – the government says he is not capable of earning a living . . . then, I got a notice that said his disability was being stopped because he failed to cooperate with Social security auditing him. This is because he is no longer disabled and has bnot been going to doctors or taking meds…

    BUT – now that I have filed this suit to stop paying Alimony – since he can go to work for himself . . . he has decided to fight to keep his Disability.

    There is a chance that I could lose and have to pay him more and for longer, but I am going to fight and fight and fight!

    I just don’t know if I can dot hat and start a loving relationship at the same time – now that I know about Rori and what she teaches – I don’t know if I can be two people at once and right now, I need my inner boy warrior to keep me from backing down!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:47am

  263. 263: lkNo Gravatar says:

    HOPEFUL!! yayyyy : ))))) that sounds so love-ly : ))) awwww (((hopeful))) : ))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:47am

  264. 264: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana,

    You got it!!!

    I am still campaining for women to honour and enjoy and give status to their inner b*tches. Yeah!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:48am

  265. 265: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hopeful – WOW!

    I am feeling your inner strength and feeling inspired by you.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:52am

  266. 266: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Apropos of not very much, I really liked this from a recent EMK email.

    At first, I thought it was going along all normal, like everything else I’ve ever heard and then this:

    But here’s one thing that you haven’t heard before:

    The one thing that you really SHOULD be looking for in a relationship – the thing that is the hallmark of any successful relationship is…

    A lack of anxiety.

    HECK YEAH

    The man has some truth there. And he’s right. I HAVEN’T heard that before. But it just seems to ring some note in me that just feels so TRUE.

    We spend so much time here trying to “get” ourselves to feel less anxiety. And that’s great. And it totally doesn’t work to “blame” a guy for our feelings. BUT, on the other hand, if being with a guy is creating anxiety for you in any way – such as he’s not calling, he’s not doing things that make you feel special and loved, and therefore anxious – hey, that’s not his fault. And it’s not your fault for feeling anxious. It just means it’s not the right relationship!

    How freeing is that? I find it incredibly liberating! I feel happy!

    Just because I am anxious with a guy, it doesn’t mean that there is something “wrong” with me. It means that my warning bells are going off, and trying to give me signals.

    And this is putting my experience with Vman in a whole new light. Because once I read that, I realized that, even though he WAS doing a lot of great things for me/with me, I STILL felt anxious. And I can’t even say why I felt anxious exactly. But he just elicited that response. And in truth, I could never tell him to do anything differently, because I don’t know what that would be. All I know is that, I want a guy with whom I DON’T feel anxiety.

    And I thinks sometimes anxiety can be mistaken for “chemistry.” I definitely had a lot of chemistry with Vman. I think it went both ways. But I felt anxious. And I have no idea what he felt. But obviously, he felt something that wasn’t too great, either.

    And it’s not either of our faults. I had different expectations. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t already know what is/was true for me. It’s just not helpful to want something that isn’t the best for me.

    I would rather want something that IS the best for me. Because that’s what I want my partner to want for me, too.

    Okay, gotta go not be late for work. Have a good day, ladies!!!!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:52am

  267. 267: lkNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly! i was thinking of you & your website this morning because i was marveling how i am barely “working out” & i’ve been drinking a whole milk latte with whipped cream every morning & yet somehow my body seems to look & feel more healthy, strong, slim every day! my gentle movements & gentle listening to my body & attending to my happiness is better for my body than “slaving away” or having a “punishment” mentality : )))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:53am

  268. 268: HopefulNo Gravatar says:

    lk and April Rose – Thanks for your comments.

    I feel inspired by me too. I cannot believe how great I feel. This feels awesome. And this all comes from the inside me, not from a man.

    That feels great. I am standing on my own feet and feel happy, because of me, and all the work I have done on myself and I am so proud of all the actions I have taken recently. I say unto myself: Hopeful, You Go Girl!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:59am

  269. 269: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    I hear what you are saying but to be honest I don’t completely understand the riffing technique.

    Maybe I’m getting it wrong, to me riffing is just riffing out your feelings etc in an unedited format?

    Or is the Rori way a very specific process?

    I see some of your riffing and to me I can’t see what the actual process is, I thought it was more life a stream of consciousness. Tell me if I’ve got this wrong?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:03am

  270. 270: lkNo Gravatar says:

    april rose, i missed you : ))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:16am

  271. 271: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose,

    Welcome back, Babe In Total Control of Herself! Of course you are forgiven, because there is nothing to forgive! But I missed ya!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:32am

  272. 272: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I went through a few weeks of “not wanting” to go to the gym frequently, and now I definitely, definitely want to go. as much as possible. Actually, I went this morning and I left my exercise top on so I could go back again as soon as the work day is over.

    For me, things that feel like punishment at first become habit and then become joys.

    Because my diet is tied to a chronic health condition I face, it’s been a couple of years since I felt like eating ‘healthy’ was punishment. But at first, it was very very hard to omit food from my diet.

    The beautiful thing about getting disciplined about what you eat is that your body will start to crave only the healthy stuff, and when you wanna be ‘bad,’ you don’t even have to think twice about it. You can just go for it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:02am

  273. 273: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    the discipline only works if you can stick to it, though. otherwise you experience burn out and it backfires. like saying “i’m going to start going to the gym! i’ll go an hour every day!” and then two days later, you’ve stopped going, cuz you took on too much. 5 minutes a day is better than nothing a day, which is what happens when you make unrealistic goals. Like, replace 1 soda a day with water. Realistic goal, vs. “give up my 5 sodas a day cold turkey”

    Hmmm I feel really passionate and energized talking about this stuff.

    And I think for some people, discipline feels really good, and can be a drug in itself. And some people even take it to the extreme and become anorexic, because of the control high they get (I think… I don’t know because I’ve never been anorexic)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:09am

  274. 274: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    lk…I LOVE hearing that!!! yes this is where the magic happens..

    my gentle movements & gentle listening to my body & attending to my happiness is better for my body than “slaving away” or having a “punishment” mentality : )))

    I feel excited…like one more woman is living FREE…wahoo!!!!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:18am

  275. 275: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    How Women Lead from the Feminine
    By: Lisa Lockwood
    Feminine energy is the strongest vibration on the planet. Its strength is birthed from Mother Earth, the most glorious gift from our Universal creator.
    I’m often asked, “How can I (as a woman) exert more influence and leadership from the sacred space of the feminine?”
    What they’re really asking is, “How can a woman exhibit a male energy characteristic through the feminine without the perception of stepping into my male energy?”
    I love this question because the feminine is all about dancing the dance from the magnificent sacred space of the feminine.
    Here are a few examples of how this is done:

    Let’s say a woman who embraces her femininity, a woman who is known as a loving, caring, altruistic, compassionate feeler decides that she needs to crack the whip in a situation where she believes her feminine powers have not been effective ie;
    Scenario 1
    * Asking for a raise or a promotion after having been looked over.
    Dialogue:
    Woman: Thank you for taking my meeting today. It’s come to my attention that I did not get the raise/promotion. As a person who sets high standards it’s important for me to understand your perspective on how I measure in this particular field.
    Employer: Thanks for seeing me today and inquiring. You have been doing a great job with us and we’ve also had some incredible members of the staff really step up in ways that shined a light on them. In saying that, that is why we felt we made the right choice going with ‘Robert’ for the position.
    Woman: I agree that Robert has been an asset to the division and here’s why (examples). Also I’m not sure you’ve had an opportunity to see that I’ve implemented and structured a business model that does x, y and z. My goal with this company is to give it all of my talent and contribute in ways that will catapult it to astronomical levels.
    Can you appreciate that?
    Employer: We definitely see your potential and as I said before we had quite a few stellar candidates this time around.
    Woman: To ensure you realize that I’m a team player and have the companies best interests at heart, I’d like you to consider a re-evaluation in 90 days. I want to give you an opportunity to see my light shine in ways that may have been overlooked this round.
    Employer: I admire your dedication and would be happy to entertain that.
    Scenario 2
    Getting Your Man to Stop an Unappealing behavior
    (Never forget-Never correct or direct male energy)
    Dialogue:
    Let’s use nail biting as the example
    Scenario 1 He is unconscious of the behavior
    Woman: Immediately after witnessing it, grab his hand, mockingly put his finger to your mouth and feign like your going to bite it and make a fun comment like;
    Woman: “Hey, you didn’t save any for me!” He’ll react either playfully or with a hint of shame. Most of the time behaviors such as these are unconscious. Depending on how he responds here’s how it can play out.
    Man: ” Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know you wanted some (laughs).”
    Woman: “Actually I was just being playful.” (Then share a story on how you had a disgusting habit and broke it. You can even make it up. This will allow him to see how that habit really appears in the public eye and from you when you draw a similar comparison.)

    Woman: “Did you know that so and so used to do the same thing?” (Do your research and find someone he admires in the public eye and tell a story about how that individual broke a similar habit because he realized how it had the potential of making him look weak in societal views).
    Man:
    Scenario 2: He is aware of the behaviour:
    Man: “Oh I’m sorry was I biting my nails? I know it’s gross I’ve been trying to kick that habit for years.”
    Woman: Agree. “I know exactly what you mean. When it’s unconscious it extremely difficult to catch it.
    Man: “I tried the rubber band on the wrist thing for a while but that didn’t work.”
    Man: “Not much else. I’m sure there’s a pattern but just haven’t pinpointed it yet.”
    Woman: “I would love to support you with that but would never want to impose anything on you. Is there anything you’d like me to do to help you with that?”
    Man: “Sure…how about kissing me when you catch me?” (Men are all about being rewarded for achievement but you must be careful how you do this. It’s like training animals, if he knows he’ll get a kiss for biting his nails you haven’t solved anything.)
    Woman: “How about I kiss you when you’re not biting your nails and tell you that’s why I kissed you?”
    Man: “Count me in!”

    In life, like bees, the feminine can lead through using her honey. It’s all simply a matter of reframing scenarios coupled with the use of the most obscure indirect leadership tools to accomplish any and everything!
    Cheers to The Feminine!
    Woman: “What else have you tried?”

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  276. 276: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I missed you too, lk.
    And I missed all you lovely fab women here who, like me, want true romance with yourself and with a fabulous man.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  277. 277: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,
    Hi. Missed you too.
    You are still invited to come and play on the stage at my theatre….

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:37am

  278. 278: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    it’s guy who love me’s birthday. i feel tempted to send him a message. but…leaning back…

    day 22!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  279. 279: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose,

    Ok, where can I find your stage?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  280. 280: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    On Wednesday, the thought struck me that PriestCD isn’t going to call me to tell me about his Europe trip (he got back Tuesday) or to find out how my research project is going. We may have been romantically involved and physically intimate for almost nine months, but WE AREN’T THAT CLOSE. I felt sad about that realization, but then I felt a weight lift from my body when the expectation that he’d contact me disappeared.

    Yesterday afternoon I saw he was on Facebook at the same time I was, and when he was still on after a while, I sent a message saying hi, and he didn’t reply before logging off a number of minutes later. It felt bad. I’m trying to make up the story that he just didn’t see it, but the gremlins are pointing out how obnoxious those messages are about being seen when you’re on the site. Lesson re-learned: no leaning forward. If he’s not contacting me, it’s because he doesn’t want to (a la what Jasmine posted yesterday). I did not manage to rockstar that one, but I did rockstar some contact with guys on dating sites yesterday evening!

    And then last night I dreamed about him. I don’t remember what happened in the dream (other than I lost my ASU student ID card, and I think he was trying to help me find it or getting in the way…), but I do know I woke up from it feeling really, really distressed and anxious. I slept so poorly last night I didn’t have the energy to get up to run this morning. :-/

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:44am

  281. 281: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens/Daria, I feel intrigued to learn more about rifting…

    Can you direct me to any where I can read more?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  282. 282: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    my mum’s going in for surgery in a few hours. i feel really nervous. she’s been sick for a long long time.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  283. 283: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song,

    278 – Rori said that on a man’s birthday is the one time it is ok to lean forward. Of course it depends on the stage of your relationship, too.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:50am

  284. 284: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((siren song’s mom)))))))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:57am

  285. 285: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion, I blocked a few guys from showing up on my chat list. makes life easier for me:)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  286. 286: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    aw thanks starla.

    yeah, esteemed, i don’t know…we don’t really have a relationship anymore (i don’t want to be friends and he does).

    i just really feel lean forwardy for some reason. i rarely if ever feel that way.

    plus he hates his birthday. it makes him feel depressed.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  287. 287: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i feel worried for my mum.

    and also sad that she doesn’t take decent care of herself. she’s a really heavy drinker and has kind of destroyed her body.

    (mum’s liver)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  288. 288: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Siren song, it’s strumming mans birthday today too. In the past I have totally leant forward. He liked this as he said no one had ever put any thought into presents before for him.

    Since we are rebuilding our relationship though this year it hasn’t felt right to. I’ve got him a card an leaned forward today to send him a birthday text.

    We haven’t made plans as he is going away with the boys for a long weekend camping and I’m on a hen do.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:13am

  289. 289: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    (((Sirens songs mum)))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:14am

  290. 290: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    also, i am happier every day that i am not someone’s girlfriend anymore.

    i went to a festival last night and talked to a bunch of girls who were all single. i got them thinking about the ‘no girlfriend’ concept. one of them blinked really hard and said back to me: ‘yeah, i don’t want to be a girlfriend either! that’s BS!’

    i feel more and more ok with how things have turned out.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  291. 291: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    thanks smile

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  292. 292: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Riffing is in the Power and Self Esteem section of articles on the blog – u can see the link on the right

    Click back to the earliest articles by date – Rori shows rigging there in a few forms

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:19am

  293. 293: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay siren song for your no gf sharing !

    That feels so thrilling to read

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:21am

  294. 294: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i really needed to read this today:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/to-get-your-man-back-you-have-to-move-away-from-him/

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  295. 295: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    it’s kind of a scam, the girlfriend thing.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  296. 296: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    also, my dad agrees with my about CDing. i asked him about a month ago if i was ‘crazy’ to not be exclusive with guy who loves me and he said ‘that’s the way it used to work. you shouldn’t hitch your wagon to someone who isn’t crazy about you.’

    i felt kind of shocked that he agreed.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:29am

  297. 297: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I do still feel kind of guilty about not being a “girlfriend,” but I also feel guilty about eating meat, and that doesn’t stop me, lol.

    I’m not always consistent with it, though. I’ll be the girlfriend when it suits me. And I’ll revoke it when it doesn’t.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  298. 298: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria, lots of interesting stuff to read there

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:48am

  299. 299: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    #245 & #246 – Yes men can change, BUT they will do only if they think they need to, or if they want to.

    More commonly though, they will change, as you change, IF he’s the man for you. It will be mostly unconscious, but it will be.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:53am

  300. 300: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I believe people change, because I DEFINITELY change. But that’s interesting to divide it by gender. You might have a point. However, one of my exes did change. He didn’t do it cuz I asked him to, though. He did it on his own, while we weren’t even dating (we dated twice).

    Hmmm my brain feels stimulated:)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  301. 301: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Circular dating…

    I have some confusion I need help understanding please…

    I get the reasons why you see lots of guys you are nor exclusive with but my confusion comes in when you are exclusive but not engaged…

    How do other sirens feel about circular dating when you are exclusive with a guy but not engaged yet?

    What are sirens experiences with this?

    What does Rori say about this?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  302. 302: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    starla, i totally get being the GF when it feels good. in my case recently, he wanted a full-on wife without the marriage. it felt bad. and confusing.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:59am

  303. 303: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    lk – #267 – Full fat dairy is better for you in all ways. It’s a whole food for one, unadulterated, and it’s assimilated more easily by the body.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  304. 304: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    smile,

    i started cding about half-way through my last relationship. my main guy at the time got super-angry, then asked me to move in and to plan on getting married, then eventually left. but he’s still around in some ways and says he still loves me, that he wants to be the father of my kids.

    CDing helped me not have a breakdown after the breakup. And him leaving was in the end a good thing: i don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend on demand with no plan for the future. it likely saved me pain in the long run. and it showed he just doesn’t have what i need right now.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  305. 305: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, I loved reading this, I totally feel like we are growing and healing together and that makes me feel all warm and glowing inside. Thankyou. I will be reading more from you

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  306. 306: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – #266 = Something to keep in mind too, anxiety can be a default position to go to if this is how a person has come to adapt to the world or certain situations. In other words it could be a sign that there is something to be healed.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  307. 307: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – Anorexia is definitely not a high of any kind. It’s a coping mechanism which can be about taking control in this way when life everywhere else feels totally out of one’s control.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:09am

  308. 308: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Siren song,

    Were you in love with your main guy at the time you started circular dating? Sorry if this feels like a personal question?

    I can see how it can get guys to step up or not put all your eggs in one basket as they say.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:11am

  309. 309: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    307 dominique, the resulting sense of control does not provide a high?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:13am

  310. 310: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – If this helps at all, K and I were exclusive for ten years with no thought of marriage let alone engagement. The commitment, loyalty, love were all there, and of this there was no question. I let the idea of marriage go a long time ago and even came to be more afraid of it than not.l I did get the ring four years ago as a birthday gift. And then out of nowhere, K proposes, and we got married this past weekend. So there are exceptions to every rule/guideline.

    Normally Rori would not endorse this kind of arrangement, but she knows me, and she knows us as a couple, and in her mind as well a mine and most everyone, we were married, just not legally.

    I don’t know if this helps you at all. Hope so.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:17am

  311. 311: lkNo Gravatar says:

    dominique, i do feel that a big cup of fat is just what my body craves at the beginning of my day : ) i feel supported & strong for hours afterwards : ))

    i also notice that my pets “exercise” more like i do…. just stretching & cuddling myself & frequent bursts of “romping” throughout the day : )

    jungle cat isometrics : ))))) yayyyyy

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:18am

  312. 312: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    No Starla, it feels stressful, oppressive, horrible, unsatisfying. The whole disorder feels terrible. It’s a tenacious, insidious, cancer like thing.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:20am

  313. 313: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    smile,

    yeah, he was the love of my life (at least so far). but if doesn’t want to follow through with marriage and kids (after hinting about it for years and calling me his ‘spouse’ to other people) and he can let me go, then he wasn’t the guy for me.

    he said he felt it was like an ultimatum, but it really didn’t feel that way to me. i think it shocked the heck out of him and hurt him. but he wanted me all to himself on his terms. that’s not my idea of a real relationship.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:21am

  314. 314: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Big hugs siren song to you and your mum…

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:25am

  315. 315: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel a bit misunderstood, dominique. most sources of a high are those awful things. but there’s a payoff, nonetheless. as you say, with anorexia, it’s a sense of control. i’m talking about the high one gets from control, not the obvious drawbacks that come from being a slave to it (as is the case with many other addictions, which is probably why treatment for anorexia and other addictions are fairly parallel on a lot of measures).

    I’m NOT saying anorexia gives you an awesome, worthwhile high. lol. Have you struggled with this yourself? It could explain the misinterpretation/stretching of my words on the topic.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:28am

  316. 316: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    thanks dominique

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:32am

  317. 317: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t actually want to talk about anorexia.. it was just a thought about discipline and control in the extreme to temper my own enthusiasm for discipline (healthy forms)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  318. 318: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I choose to believe that by just doing what I want – lapsing sometimes on the things I ‘think’ I should do – like brush my hair

    And consistently asking myself what I want

    I strengthen my desires my trust in myself my magic AND get all that I want including amazing habits and

    Consistency

    I choose to drop coercive measures even for ‘the meantime’

    I know if I coerce myself I will be disrespecting spirit Daria’s intrinsic knowing intuition, Choice

    I trust that she will want more and more of what makes me happy and healthy

    Sigh

    This feels so scary

    Coercion is a powerful tool I’ve learned to use

    Now I have other tools that work to not only have what I think I want , but also to strengthen my spirit and self trust

    I want to trust this

    I feel terrified

    I get messages to the contrary, read accounts of people who say how happy they feel having coerced themselves

    I feel angry!

    I feel sad and hopeless

    I will not coerce myself

    I will trust myself no matter what it ‘looks’ like

    I will appreciate myself for trusting myself

    Later those parts of me and others that were coercing themselves or learning how to use coercion

    Will also learn better tools and coercion does strengthen ones masculine (does it – this sounds like a false belief)

    Anyways they will get and see and feel in tune that coercion is not the way to go

    Even if it did stuff down feelings to make it look pretty – to make one look thinner, or get a child to stop screaming in public

    It was a time when coercion seemed great and essential for that

    And then miracles unfolded and getting thin was no longer important or getting a child to be quiet

    Loving and expressing feminine energy w my body changed that paradigm

    Connected and respectful parenting changed the other, so the worry of traumatizing my shield ten with violence is Gone

    I like my perseverance which is not forced just chosen to trust mysef

    If I stop in the moment, dialogue w my inner goddess of what she wants, and do that… It feels fun and not coercive

    And if she doesn’t want to brush my hair. I don’t.

    I haven’t brushed my hair for days, and I’m honoring myself that way.

    I see here I can trust myself more.

    It’s ok to feel fear.

    Feel doubt that I’m doing it ‘wrong’ cux I’m doing it new.

    And I’m giving myself permission to see how this has brought me so much happiness And abundance And what I wanted – or —- and here’s the magic benefit – a shift in what I want.

    Along w peace of mind and a respect for myself a trust in divinity and the coolness of shocking people all the time by telling them I just do what I want… Period.

    Which feels fun to have ppl amazed at me

    And what about saying yeah but you won’t get such and such benefit that you get with coercion.

    Price to me u do.

    I’ve started noting proofs.

    I wana notice them more – thank u.

    I may not be giving some the importance they deserve

    Well my life is transforming so fast… I’ve grabbed this idea of self trust and not doing anything I don’t want to and I’m letting it ring through me all through the world.

    Someone said that the world and God provides, magically.

    And that if we all do just what we want and share just what we want ,

    It would all work out lovely and everyone would enjoy Abundance

    I believed it and I’m making it come true by living it. It’s working. I want to see even more clearly the workings of this

    What if it’s false and I destroy all man has built and people starve and suffer?

    It’s not false. We are part of nature, nature provides. We no longer need coercion, we learned choice and effort and now there’s better ways to use those.

    Sigh.

    Whew this is deep for me whew I feel like I’m wringing mu spirit hehe :)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  319. 319: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, thank you for sharing that with me. Congratulations!

    I was with my ex boyfriend for 10 Years too but it was different as we got together at the age of 14 so we were far to young and I was still focusing on my education. When I finally was old enough in my eyes and realised this is what I now wanted we were more friends and so parted even though we lived together.
    I’ve only ever had 3 boyfriends and have never been single. I think I have missed out on circular dating. The next guy I got with immediately after lasted for two years. I hoped and hoped we would talk of a future together. But it never happened. By this time I had already met strumming man. We had an instant relationship and moved in together after 3 months we had planned our future together. (I’ve known him since I was 13 and had decrypt got back in touch so he wasn’t a stranger) when he withdrew a year later I came here to this blog. Now were rebuilding the relationship slowly but Im not feeling secure.

    I’m wondering if I should circular date? But I would not be over strumming man as I feel it’s moving forward all the time now I’m working roris tools and concentrating on me.

    I don’t want to look for another relationship but I don’t want to rely on that he will step up?

    Sorry for long reply but I would value your opinion

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:37am

  320. 320: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m getting what I wAnt ! Yay great!

    I’m getting what I want by abusing/denying/abandoning myself

    :(

    When I see stories like this, like ladies saying but I chased my man and I got him

    I feel paralyzed. I know that likely the problems will show up later and it will all fall apart desastroisly

    So no ‘compromise, no lie, every single step is healthy and ringing

    I feel a sign of relief

    I’ve always known that, as a small child, no NEED for horrible compromises, like who would u keep, ur mom or dad

    Those are all false constructs, that the world doesn’t care is a false construct

    And the truth is I will Never have to compromise or be unsupported by the goddess

    I want to heal more about this

    Thank u

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  321. 321: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Siren song, I think strumming man would be upset if I started to date others. How did you feel about looking for a new relationship while you were still invested in your main guy? I think I would feel like I wasnt taking time to get to a place where I could move on? We haven’t broken up so would this be unfair in any potential new relationship?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:42am

  322. 322: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dreams don’t have to be ‘practical’ they just need to be energized.

    Illness is heal able.

    Death is a choice.

    I really am huger than a star, than a black hole, than a galaxy.

    I believe those I Feel em :)

    I can get people out of prison – I want this. I intend to believe this

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:43am

  323. 323: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Everyone’s different. Some people feel peace in discipline. Others are so afraid of their own imperfections and potential for failure that they don’t do anything with their lives, when they’d really like to. And they rationalize it brilliantly.

    Some people are comfortable with just floating through life. I think they deserve to do this if that is what they truly want.

    Everyone’s different, and I intend to honor everyone for their differences of opinions on discipline and how they choose to live their lives.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:43am

  324. 324: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sorry for anyone who freaks out at others who are different than them. It indicates a lack of peace with themselves. But I won’t be shamed for being big, focused, successful, and learning to enjoy every second of it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:45am

  325. 325: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    smile,

    i wasn’t necessarily looking for a new man. i just couldn’t focus my whole life on him when he didn’t want to marry me. he literally said ‘i want to eat dinner every day with you and sleep with you every night and live in my house for the rest of my life. i want to spend every weekend together.’

    to me he wanted marriage. but he didn’t give me a ring or a date. it felt weird.

    i’ve had a friend get married in the past couple of months after cding for a year or so. i know it works when the man is the right man.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:47am

  326. 326: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – do you have Roris book? She talks about why to circular date, how it affects a man, and the attitude to have about it…

    It has all the basics …Essential stuff for practicing her tools here

    If u do, then I can maybe remind u that a man gettin mad about circular dating is Great! It means he may step up

    And that your presence on a date with a man is a blessing, and way more than fair

    And that circular dating keeps you sane so u can learn to be a great partner and relate to men …

    It also keeps u from pressuring a new man or jumping into something unhealthy

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  327. 327: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    smile,

    rori’s program ‘targetting mr right’ explains all of this stuff. men should be upset if they care. but they will also have to step up or step away.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:49am

  328. 328: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i felt totally awful about CDing at first. now i know it was the right thing to do.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:52am

  329. 329: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((my goals))))))))))
    ((((((((my dreams)))))))))))
    (((((((((my roadmap to achieve them)))))))))))

    i point to something, and the universe says “okay.”
    the universe in turn points to something, and I say okay!”

    And so it goes. A feedback loop of purposeful action and openness to the universe. It keeps the loop moving.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  330. 330: lkNo Gravatar says:

    dominique, thanks for the comment about anxiety : ) i don’t want to make my partner responsible for my anxiety. it has been my pattern for life, that i have committed to & dedicated many actions & thought patterns to & i’m really enjoying deconstructing it. it’s true that one person’s anxiety can tear apart a relationship, but i refuse to blame myself for this or to beat myself up for it & i will continue to enjoy healing my heart… : )

    i actively RELY on anxiety…

    Rori, i enjoyed reading your comment about how “deciding” when to attack or when to defend is “bad math” kind of : )) ……… like, if you don’t want to attack, then never attack because you don’t believe in attack. if you don’t believe in attack, what would you be defending against? “it’s all love….. : ) help yourself !”

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  331. 331: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t like this word ‘attack’ anymore.

    one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.

    one person’s “attack” is another person’s straight forward talking. It depends on how sensitive the audience is. I could say the same thing to 10 different people, and not be taken as an attacker by some of them, and put others in tears.

    semantics sucks.

    interestingly, my semantics project in college was a public opinion survey on the definition of terrorism. The results were that everyone interprets things differently.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:59am

  332. 332: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – maybe this is semantics, and I feel badly you feel misunderstood. the thing with anorexia, the control one has with the food and supposedly one’s body is really the person being wildly out of control.

    there is a better than feeling associated with it though, so maybe this is the high you are referring to?

    yes I suffered with this disorder for a great many years, and even if one appearance seems normal, it doesn’t mean the disorder isn’t still hard at it.

    my weight was very low three times, each time less severe the older I was. I really only “got over” the head trippy stuff maybe five years ago? it was a slow, arduous process like any healing, and much of it can be hidden from others.

    I credit this particular healing largely to K even though he never has said a word about it.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:00pm

  333. 333: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel a little frustrated at closed mindedness right now. Everyone is different.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:01pm

  334. 334: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria/ siren song thank you.

    Yes, I do have roris book. I know this is what I should be doing but I’ve held back and I’m trying to help myself understand why I’m not. I don’t feel comfortable with it yet. I will read the book again and take the time to process and get myself to a point where I feel ready and comfortable.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:01pm

  335. 335: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “yes I suffered with this disorder for a great many years, and even if one appearance seems normal, it doesn’t mean the disorder isn’t still hard at it.”

    My best friend was a meth addict. Same deal, basically.

    I’m so glad you are healthy now:) And my best friend too.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:02pm

  336. 336: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Daria re 320

    Isn’t this blog all about having the relationship we WANT!

    I think wanting something is okay if your not attached to an outcome? Getting what you are aiming for is surely a good thing? I know what I want to get out of a relationship and it would make me happy if I got what I wanted by focusing on myself…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:05pm

  337. 337: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, saw your post Starla after having hit send. Ah well. It is a common yet closeted illness, so maybe this will help someone to realize that there is healing from this too, this which has a less than 5% cure rate. And I don’t mean just the weight.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:06pm

  338. 338: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – :)

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:09pm

  339. 339: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I totally get that circular dating would help to not put pressure on a man.

    I think I’ve been achieving this by thinking about myself and filling my life up. Maybe I’ll just continue to work on me and anything I get from him is a bonus. I don’t want to get anything from pressure, this wouldn’t feel honest and loving.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  340. 340: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – re 320

    yes.

    but i know from experience – and because one can “see” issues in the dynamics if the feminine/masculine balance is off

    that the relationship that someone wants, if its come to in a coercive, unbalanced way

    will turn toxic!

    and it feels scary and sad

    so if someone comes and says!

    **** omg Daria how great, guess what i called this guy and asked him out and we get along so well and we have amazing sex and

    then he pulled away and i was sooooo sad

    but then i invited him to a concert and we’re back on and together…

    im soooooo THRILLED!!! ****

    im like :/

    cuz i know and can see how its gonna fall apart and their happiness is short lived

    the underlying imalances are not addressed

    and same goes for other goals achieved through unbalanced/ coercive means

    like getting thin or getting a child to be quiet by being controlling

    the inbalance WILLL rebalance itself…

    the issues Will come up to be dealt with, often way stronger than if they were not stuffed / controlled in the first place

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:12pm

  341. 341: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, so many strong opposing opinions today! Rock on!

    Who is right? Who knows? A long time ago people laughed and thought it was madness when one person said the world wasn’t flat. Who knew who was right and who was wrong?

    I’ll try and keep an open mind, but lol, I am human so that’s nigh nearly impossible for me not to make a judgement…

    Who knows the answer? Who knows…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  342. 342: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    No worries, dominque
    ((((((((dominique)))))))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  343. 343: lilybellyNo Gravatar says:

    334:

    Smile, this is good; the focusing on you. It is healthy and wonderful and healing as well. One thing I feel moved to say is that while you don’t feel comfortable CDing, as in dating other men just yet, remember that CDing can take on many different appearances and what is important, at least in my opinion, is that you CD every man you come in contact with. Whether is be the baker, the butcher or the candlestick maker.

    The thing about CDing; it isn’t a tool that is meant to “get a new boyfriend” although it certainly can lead you to whatever it is you desire, relationship wise (I am a fan of whatever it is that YOU want and do not necessarily think that marriage is the be all/end all…for ME, everyone’s definition is their own and personal), but is a tool to heal your inner hurts, have you practicing interacting with men by using FM’s, stating boundaries (wants/don’t wants) and practice saying YOUR truth..how you feel in the moment, at any given moment.

    Just my two cents.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:14pm

  344. 344: lkNo Gravatar says:

    i guess i’m really not thinking about “distinguishing” an attack from anything else….. just imagining the feeling that it’s impossible to “attack” anything…….. & so nothing could possibly be an “attack” or even trigger my defenses : )

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:16pm

  345. 345: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((lk)))))))))
    i like your brain

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

  346. 346: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song,

    I don’t think I know your story, but why is it you don’t talk to your ex/boyfriend?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  347. 347: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling exhausted all of a sudden

    i feel weird like… actively avoiding reading certain posts
    even though i feel drawn into htem with this hot energy

    and i feel sleepy and queezy cuz i think i got something like food poisoning again today

    i feel really angry inside myself

    i feel like im being stepped on or pressed down and silenced

    i just want to get really clear with myself about my no ‘coercion’ no ‘controlling’ no ‘discipline’ stance

    cuz having a stance is masculine

    so im ‘disciplined’ about not using ‘discipline’

    hmmm

    but im using awareness

    instead

    and now im confused

    and also i feel scared and sad – i want EVERYONE to get on board with not coercing their children so that my children dont have to deal with any more traumatized mentally and emotionally unhealthy people that can be dangerous to them

    i feel pist!
    this feels so like hangy head sad

    theres billions of people otu there, and so many of us carry these abuse traumas and unconsciously pass them to our kids

    and…

    thats ok actually they will be ok

    but dammit

    i dont want to be argued with

    i want clarity so i can grow on this point

    my beautiful non coerciveness

    i feel angry that others are like attacking me to defend their coerciveness

    and a lot of times i dont know what to say

    i notice myself judging them as not knowing any better

    and feeling uncomfortable to say something and then im judging myself for that

    so what if they want to abuse themselves to get what they want

    and they would get what they wanted and more without the abuse

    i will sit by and feel sad for them and i will be ok

    i will NOT ‘help’ them without being asked, that would be like taking the judgemetn as true

    i will just keep on processing and doing me and talking me and everything will shift to whwat i want and more lovingly like it always does

    and boy i dfeel sad, nmad and dead right now

    and i love my sad, mad and dead feelings

    the dead is a numbing of fear

    i love my dead feeling and my fear

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:54pm

  348. 348: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Why are we talking about anorexia? I’m not getting it. There’s a lot of posts!!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  349. 349: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelly may I just add that when you speak up for yourself, speak your truth the feeling that creates is priceless. At least that is what I have found.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  350. 350: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sooooo lost in this convo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:03pm

  351. 351: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 325 siren song that sounds like commitment to me. It might not be dressed in the clothes you want it in but it sure sounds like commitment.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:04pm

  352. 352: Tressa ArmsteadNo Gravatar says:

    There are definitely aspects of all three of these types of men in my main character’s relationship. Hopefully seeing it written in black and white helps other women relate to Susan and nudges them to get out of the relationship!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:04pm

  353. 353: lilybellyNo Gravatar says:

    349:

    Absolutely, FW. I agree wholeheartedly with your thought on this.

    And, at first, it’s scary. Particularily when we haven’t spoken “our truth” in a viable way or ever at all before. I would also add the vulnerability piece of it all as super important. That has been my biggest work over the last year and a half. Speaking my truth and allowing the vulnerability to show.

    I believe I am getting better at it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:04pm

  354. 354: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you lilybelly, this is insightful.

    Yes I have been practising boundaries as in I want/don’t want and feeling messages whilst totally leaning back and getting on with my life.

    I feel circular dating is my next step

    I appreciate your two cents

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:14pm

  355. 355: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    siren song about the birthday my thinking is after he recently looked out for your mom if your mindset and vibe is about giving back, I certainly would not have a problem sending an electronic Happy Birthday to him. It depends on how you feel. If there is a sense of obligation, then no. But if there is gratitude then I would.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:17pm

  356. 356: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel I am on the edge. My toes are on the edge of a ledge. I cant see the bottom. I keep chasing my tail and in my mind and I keep ending back in the same place.

    If I were to ever find a man…my kids would never except him most likely. That makes me sick inside.

    I cant build my life around them.. they are grown ups and have their own lifes. I need my own.

    The last man was bad for me and I feel toxic now too sometimes.

    I feel I need a new start. My little house feels like a house of pain sometimes.

    I have tried so hard to change my life. Find passion, be open to a new partner and I am failing.

    Yes a goal of mine to find a great relationship. Yes I dont want to be alone.

    I feel sad that I an not desired or “special” to a man.

    I really am a great woman. I honestly feel that way about me.

    I feel stuck. I feel nothing changing. I feel stuck
    I feel angry at this situation. I am so mad. I want this to change. I dont know what to do to make this change. It cant stay this way. I will go mad! The thing I need the most is not even within my control. I cant make the thing I need the most in my life happen.

    I AM NOT OK WITH BEING ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE. Something says… oh just relax it will be ok. It doesnt FEEL OK. It is not OK with me.

    I am so hungry. My stomach is growling.. if feels empty. I want to fill it, just like I want my life full of what I need.

    Obviously, I am not feeling strong. The week ends are sooo hard for me in the house with little furniture. It echos. sigh

    No

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  357. 357: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve missed you lovely sirens!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  358. 358: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song,

    Say happy birthday to him. It will be a sign of maturity.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:23pm

  359. 359: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Mel,

    I’m pretty much new here but nice meeting ya lol

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:24pm

  360. 360: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song,

    286 – Yeah, in that case, then I wouldn’t wish him happy birthday.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:28pm

  361. 361: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok so i listend to my godson’s mom message on my phone and i feel all tingly all the way up with fear

    tingly tingly tingly

    i feel frustrated and ashamed to feel this way

    i ant to feel happy calm and strong

    and feeling scared i judge it as not strong

    and i feel sad now

    i feel embarassed to feel so terrified of her

    and sad

    i still dont want to talk to her

    i dont want to feel this way

    when ‘im stronger’ i will

    thats a judgement of me as not being strong

    i dont want to do that

    mmm i am feeling upset

    i feel scared of her and i dont want to feel that way

    i feel ashamed of it and also angry

    and want to blame her

    and i want to take responsibilitiy for my shame and heal it

    im still feeling tingly and pouty

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:31pm

  362. 362: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so terrified of her!

    and anxious now

    i feel compelled /have an image to call her, with my masculine voice, make a joke, ask about her, act like its all cool – cuz it is

    and totally not address that im feeling terrified and tingly under that

    and i dont want to do that

    i dont know what to do

    i feel curious to learn! :) yay im gonna learn it now!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:33pm

  363. 363: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Smile,

    301 – “How do other sirens feel about circular dating when you are exclusive with a guy but not engaged yet?”

    I don’t mean to sound facetious, but I think as a whole, CDing is designed to keep us from getting in that situation.

    In my case, I was informally exclusive with R in 2009 as I first started to work thru Rori’s programs. The way I chose to handle it was to write him a note that I was going to date and date until I had a ring on my finger. That way, since it was a switch, I was being up front with him, and he could do what he wanted with it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:34pm

  364. 364: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Exclusive- doesn’t this mean your committing to not dating anyone else? I guess this is why Rori calls exclusivity without commitment a trap?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:34pm

  365. 365: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Jasmine!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

  366. 366: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You know Daria your comments are helping me get some clarity around discipline. This morning I felt some internal tightening just looking at the word. I flip flop constantly with my kids around it because my automatic response is what I experienced as a child. But everytime I go there with my kids I feel deep inside me that I am teaching them the wrong lesson. I have for years differed with people around me about the subject as people in my culture seem to get all energized around using only corporal punishment as a means of discipline. I have said for years that there must be another way to lovingly teach the kids the lessons they need to learn. But I do get worn down with the talking and wonder when they will ever learn.

    Last week my daughter told me no about something I wanted her to do. I was so angry I publicly yelled at her because I felt publicly embarassed. I took her phone and ipad and grounded her for days. I want her to learn to speak up for herself but at the same time its like she shouldn’t when it comes to me. I realized it was my wounded ego. I spoke to her about disrespecting people because I believed she disrespected the people she was involved with and had them waste time and energy when she could have initially spoken up. In speaking to her I realized I feel fear around her disrespecting people in the work environment and jeopardizing her career. I am also concerned about how she might treat men in the future and end in suffering heartbreaks because of disrespect.

    Days later I told her that I was a bit disappointed that she did not apologize for disrespecting me. She took another 3 days before she did and said she apolgize for disrespecting me and for challenging my authority. I was really surprised at the last part but felt comforted in the fact that if she keeps this awareness people making decisions about her life in school and work will find no reason to jeopardize her in any way. It is really a delicate thing to balance and get everyone’s needs met. Maybe it is the masculine energy around it why I have hated to discipline and I tend to break away from the norm myself.

    Looking back I realize that I was projecting my issues on her but my aim is to have her succeed in life.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

  367. 367: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i know my masculine voice, if triggered, is ready to yell at her too

    like if she gets rude masculine voice is ready to counter etc

    its been awhile since i felt comfortable to be in my feminine around her

    have i ever?

    i want to feel comfortable being in my femiine anywhere

    AND i want to have a wonderful frienship

    and relationship with my Godkids

    if my godchildren were’nt around i would aprobably beat her asss!!!!

    when she threatened me

    wow!!!!!!

    realizing this now

    hmmm

    or maybe nto

    i woulda just walked away but i wouldnt be talking to her

    or id be yelling at her

    i dono!

    i feel overhwhelmed

    still feeling sad

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:37pm

  368. 368: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile exclusivity includes dating, sex etc. Things you can do with a man. There is no exclusivity unless the man specifically asks for it and you negotiate the terms of your exclusivity, then agree to it.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

  369. 369: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – Another thing I wanted to add is that marriage was never my goal, and I do not see it as a be all end all in the least. It wasn’t even a natural extension of our relationship. If you’re interested, I wrote about it this week. It was posted by FW on the last thread, but you may have missed. Click on my name, and it will take you there.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:40pm

  370. 370: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Smile,

    Here’s my perspective on it (and it may be a little different than other sirens, but that’s okay)….

    I am exclusive with my bf. That is, I am not going out on actual dates with men. I no longer have a dating profile up, etc.

    BUT…

    I go for lunch/coffee with male friends, I sometimes flirt with the cute barista, I smile warmly when men complement me, I giggle when the butcher gives me a better cut of meat, or the baker gives me “free samples.”

    And I will continue to do such things, because they are good and healthy, even after I move in with my sweetie at the end of the month.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:41pm

  371. 371: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    (((Linda))),

    355 – If I were a single Mom, I would not allow my children to dictate whether or not I had a relationship. If they don’t accept a man, that is their issue, not yours. Hopefully in time, with maturity, they will get it that Mom deserves some happiness too.

    When my Dad passed away, I immediately encouraged my step mother to meet another man. She was and is my friend. She never did remarry, but I still encourage her to at least get out so a good man can find her. That is because I was an adult, so I saw her as a person.

    I think sometime the kids will have a lifechanging moment where they discover they are in favor of you having a new partner.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:41pm

  372. 372: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    My prayers are with your mom siren song. What’s wrong? If I may ask.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  373. 373: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – #363 – Exclusivity can very easily equate with commitment, and this doesn’t necessarily mean engaged. It means whatever commitment means to you.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  374. 374: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    Further, I have said virtually the same thing at times that it feels like it is something with which I am out of control to have a relationship. I think sometimes it just has to be a period of pain and loneliness, but if we are faithful to keep working Rori’s tools and writing on the blog, little by little, things happen and our man who was meant for us comes into focus.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  375. 375: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Feminiewoman – Men may not specifically ask aloud in words for exclusivity. Sometimes it just is. It’s understood, and there is great clarity in this understanding. That’s how it was with us.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

  376. 376: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    FW, but it was not what i wanted. I don’t want to be his girlfriend. I did that for 11 before him.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:51pm

  377. 377: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman – wow that sounds like so much like my friend whose house i was at and her 13 year old daughter

    she’s frequently upset that in her perspective, her daughter is disrespecting her

    from my perspective it looks like she’s disrespecting the daughter’s feelings or neglecting her… and the daughter speaks up about it (sometimes also disrespectfully)

    i feel stuck and wordless and havent got the courage to say anything to her yet, but in a way my saying nothing or not agreeing with her when she complains about her daughter…

    and always treating her daughter with respect, kindness and encouragment

    i am pretty sure she ‘gets” some of my influence.

    I felt so baffled about hwo i would raise my children (traditionally corporal punishment for me too… )

    until i read the sandra Dodd unschooilng and respectful parenting website

    i had never heard of anythign like it and have been searching for something like this ever since i thought id be having kids :)

    it feels incredible that it works! and though before learning Rori’s non coercive, not invasive, respectful non violent communication stuff…

    i wouldve totally dismissed it : yeah right, those people are probably all ‘messed up’ is what i woulda thought. my parents beat and pushed me and thats why im smart and finished college. is what i wouldve thought

    I really really recommend sandra dodd’s presentation of the ideas of respectful parenting (its liek respectful relationships)

    they don’t yet have the rori concepts of feminine energy and masculine energy involved there… but that would be a huge benefit to this style of parenting…

    and i LOVE reading questions by frustrated parents (im part of an unschooling list) and the surprsing advice from the practiced unschoolers – it feels exciting that theres so many things i can learn that i didnt think of myself

    this is an article on parenting peacefully:

    http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:52pm

  378. 378: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    11 years, i mean.

    And it felt weird. It wasn’t right for me.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

  379. 379: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    350 – “I’m sooooo lost in this convo”

    LOL, welcome to our world! I used to feel frustrated, but now I feel delighted at the vast diversity in this blog, and how there can be multiple conversations going on with people all across the world, all at the same time!

    I just flow with it and enjoy what I can, and I have long since given up on following all of it. It would be a full time job, LOL! I’d take that, if only it paid! :lol:

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

  380. 380: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Thanks. She has a bad liver and is in rough shape. They are removing a hernia that burst today, which is tricky because of her underlying issues.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:56pm

  381. 381: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Ren Allen wrote:

    Something that helped me many years ago, was from another Mom. She said that a child’s wails, or screaming was her “cue” to turn on her very best Mom skills. There are many ways to re-train your responses in that area, but that helped me.
    When my child starts screaming at me, it’s my cue. That’s the little “ok, I need my calmest, kindest, best responses now” start-up. It helps me detach emotionally and have the ability to respond calmly. I feel more like an observer almost, and the screams or words just flow over me rather than causing an emotional response of anger.

    “Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” ~Rumi

    wow ! ive been practicing coaching men im not involved with and THIS is a great TOOL!!!!

    when your woman starts screaming at you, that is your clue that you need yoru best “man skills” “strength and centerdness”

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

  382. 382: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    How to Raise a Respected Child

    Sandra Dodd
    Holly says the ice cream we have in the freezer is too sweet. She had chocolate milk last night and said there was too much chocolate in it, so she divided it and made chocolate milk for someone else with half of it. She usually prefers plain milk.
    Plain milk tastes WAY better if it’s your choice than it does when it’s plain because someone else wouldn’t let you put chocolate in it.

    Without free choice, how can a person choose what is plain and good?

    Unschooling begins with a choice between going to school or not. How many millions of people are never given that choice?

    Next is the choice between “doing school-work” or not. Sometimes new unschooling parents are hoping that holding their breath and waiting might lead to children studying a curriculum, just as the mathematically-allegorical monkeys might type Hamlet.

    In the success-bearing phase, unschoolers stop looking for Hamlet or even for English history. But knowing that Ian Holm, who plays Bilbo, plays Polonius with Glenn Close in a Mel Gibson movie causes it to be worth a look for lots of people. And he was Fluellen in Kenneth Brannagh’s Henry V, too. If they watch Hamlet or Henry V because of Lord of the Rings, is that like chocolate milk, or like plain milk? If they don’t watch Hamlet yet, or ever, that’s fine too.

    The most peaceful unschooling families have loosed the ropes that held learning at the dock. They have developed faith in the idea that humans learn best in freedom.

    Perhaps it’s just a pretty truism, about unschooling families. Maybe it is as real as granite. Here are some other patterns for your consideration, though: Unschooling families with young children often fear for the neighbors to “test them” and find them wild or “behind.” Unschooling families with older children politely try to hide their smugness at the positive responses of others to their older unschoolers. How does that change come about?

    There are traditional dialogs adults have with stranger-children. They ask what school they go to. They ask whether the child likes his teacher, and what his favorite subject is. My children haven’t gotten past the first two questions, because if “I don’t go to school” doesn’t stump the interviewer, “I don’t have a teacher” usually does. And so an adult who succeeds in having a conversation with an unschooled child finds himself speaking with a person, and not “a student,” not “a child.”

    For some, this is their first real conversation with a person who isn’t grown to adulthood. My kids are used to being the first, in that way. They’re used to the look in people’s eyes when they realize that here is a child who has something to talk about and who will confidently and guilelessly speak.

    How does that confidence arise?

    I really believe unschooling works best when parents trust a child’s personhood, his intelligence, his instincts, his potential to be mature and calm. Take any of that away, and the child becomes smaller and powerless to some degree.

    Give them power and respect, and they become respected and powerful.

    Is it just that simple? That a parent can GIVE a child power and respect? Can a parent give a child freedom?

    With the freedom to choose what they eat, my children have bypassed sweets more times than I could have counted, and eaten hearty, real food. I saw those choices working before they were old enough to go to school, or not to go to school. They had all the food they wanted.

    With the freedom to choose to stay up or to go to bed, I saw toddlers ask to go to bed because they were tired, and then saw them go to sleep smiling, and wake up happy. They had all the waking they wanted, and all the sleep they wanted, instead of feeling deprived of either.

    Of my childhood, I remember tears over pancakes. EAT THEM NOW. I didn’t eat them again for fifteen years, after that forced-pancake day. Was that good for nutrition? Discipline? Love? Respect? No, it was destructive. I remember being forced at school and at home to drink milk. Was one glass enough? Then is half a glass enough? Will a child drink not one drop more than he HAS to? Is milk better than peace?

    For many children, information is treated like cold pancakes. Skills are forced like too-warm milk.

    What if hot pancakes, served with a smile, would taste really good with milk? What magic happens when it’s fully acceptable for a child to say “No thanks” to hot pancakes?

    Neediness expresses itself differently with different kids. Abundance expresses itself similarly in all.

    Neediness creates various interpersonal problems, health difficulties, psychological stress and sorrow. Chronic neediness becomes a vacuum that cannot be filled.

    Abundance in one person provides benefits for others. A child with all the trust he needs can trust others. A child with all the time he needs can share that time with others. One who has freedom won’t begrudge freedom in others.

    Most people have never known a kid who has experienced true abundance. Most have never met a child who had been given a full measure of respect, so that the child was respected (already) and full of respect (respectful). It is easy to respect someone who has that respect already, and who has so much that he can spread it around to others.

    An abundance of love, of confidence, of self and of freedom will create a flow of respect from and toward a person.”

    sandra dodd

    http://sandradodd.com/respect/dodd

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:07pm

  383. 383: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique- I guess it’s all about how you feel in a relationship. I would be happy with this , to feel secure, mutual love and happiness etc

    I would like to be married but a marriage without the above things would not equate a happily ever after.

    We were exclusive and committed in the fact that we lived together and spoke of a future before he withdrew after losing his job. Now using roris tools I am focusing on me so I can have my happy ever after what ever form it takes. After reading your last post I believe we are now growing together through this process and I’m attracting him by working on myself. Im making this about me and finally I’m not attached to the outcome of this relationship. I’m happy!

    Thank you again for helping me in my discovery

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

  384. 384: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria. I looks like what I have been wanting to do.

    Thanks Dominique. I guess I am the type who have always wanted it to be clearly verbalized so that was the way I got it. I have always been uncomfortable reading the between the lines and just trusting. I wonder how it applies to siren song case, that if the guy was not acting out like an angry toddler.

    siren song I feel so sorry about that.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

  385. 385: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohh i feel moved and trembly crying almost

    i feel so excited to have children and be their resource and when theyre into something find lots of stuff for them around that and help them do the stuff they like and want to do !!!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

  386. 386: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Mel

    I’m open to this stance on circular dating. Dating without going on dates. I too think this is healthy. Thank you

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:16pm

  387. 387: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be a Mom so much!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:22pm

  388. 388: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine woman,

    In my last relationship I didn’t realise this…!! Shock horror! I’d never been on a date before as I’d been with my ex from age 14-24 I was still in the mind of one guy at a time. I didn’t get the whole being exclusive. Needless to say I thought we were exclusive until I found out we weren’t!

    Now with strumming man it was different. We became exclusive without speaking about it at all because we made commitments together in terms of our living arrangements etc. All this was felt rather than spoken so I can see where dominique s point comes on this too.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:23pm

  389. 389: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed lol! Re 636

    Of course ha this makes sense now you have said this, possibly why I was confused with it all.

    The idea is you keep circular dating until you meet someone you want to be exclusive with…?

    Maybe this is why I haven’t circular dated in terms of actually meeting and going on dates because I met strumming man and we became exclusive almost instantly.

    When I said I met him… I have known him when we were younger and then got back in touch when we were older. We ‘fancied’ each other when I was 13 but we lived far away. Then we met as adults and the feelings were still there, it was instant so I left the boyfriend I was with.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

  390. 390: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – #383 – “it’s all about how you feel in a relationship” this says it all. and yay!!! you for working on you and healing you, and if he’s your “the one”, he will come along for this ride.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:32pm

  391. 391: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Hello all…

    I haven’t been around much, so I’m not at all ‘up to date’ with the blog, but I just wanted to chime in and let everyone know I’m ok.

    I haven’t had internet service for the past few weeks. My financial situation is very sad (as I would have married and moved back home by now and been in a very different situation money-wise.) I feel I’m drowning in bills right now.

    It’s been a little over 2 months now, since he died. It feels like just yesterday….and yet it feels like SO long ago because we’d never gone this long without contact. Some days are better than others and since his ‘sisters’ are out of the picture it’s a great relief.

    I can’t help but kick myself over and over in my mind for waiting so long. He wanted to get married last winter…but no….I had to wait. I’d find much comfort in knowing I was his wife.

    I miss him terribly and I miss our home and our life. I can’t bring myself to drive near there or go look at the property. I feel a bit anxious that it’s not for sale. Having them keep the house and come around here would be pure torture for me. I just want them to sell the place and go away—-they live three hours from here. (Childish, I know…but they didn’t care about him when he was alive, so I can’t understand them hanging on.)

    I’m terribly lonely. Some days I feel good and like I’ll be ok and then out of the blue, for no reason, I’ll feel so sad and my mind is full of thoughts of him and us and I can’t seem to stop it. And, of course, I cry when that happens. I dream of him sometimes—and then when I wake up, it feels like I just saw him and just talked to him and I feel so empty and lost inside.

    I find myself falling in love with him all over again and it’s so very painful. I’m doing my best to move on a little at a time and live one day at a time. I am seeing a therapist, which is very helpful.

    It’s very comforting to know that you are all here and that I “have” what I’ve learned from Rori (and all of you) to carry on with and make the best of what is my life now.

    This dreadful heat makes me feel worse than usual. I have no a/c. It’s usually not this hot here on the lake shore—and this house is so old, I don’t think I could plug in something like an air conditioner without blowing something electrical. It doesn’t even cool off at night.

    Last night did cool down to about 70 with a slight eastern breeze—but I couldn’t open the windows because the *%%($)#)%^@ neighbors had to have their disgusting “firepit” burning. The last thing I wanted to smell was smoke—all I needed was some fresh air after days and days of this. (And yes, these same neighbors have central air conditioning…so rather selfish to ruin the fresh air for the rest of us.) The heat is making me feel grumpy :-(

    A lady friend from church is kind of ‘hinting around’ about her son who just moved here. He is my age and is going through legal separation/divorce. I feel strange about it. I’m really not ready to date and yet I am SO DAMN lonely I feel like I’ll disappear soon. I was thinking it would be ‘safe’ to meet this man, as I am not ready for real dating and he is still, really, married. (He is newly out of the service and his wife is seeing some other man and was bringing him to their home!)

    I see my kids often and I have friends from church, but they are all quite a bit older than I am (like old enough to be my parents) and I really need some people my own age, I think.

    What do you Sirens think? Should I be open and agree to meet him? Or do you think it’s not a good idea? I’m confused….

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:33pm

  392. 392: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Hopeful,

    Wow, you sound like you are doing great! You are so inspiring!

    Just curious if you would be able to share the title of any of those books the marriage counselor wrote? He sounds like he really knows his stuff and I would love to read his ideas.

    Starbright

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:45pm

  393. 393: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mm realizing with my parenst

    when i felt VEry upset at them,

    i would feel shut down and scared.. .like i do with my godson’s mom now

    i wouldn’t feel safe or melt until i heard a nice word from them or got a smile or an impression that all is shifted

    when that happened, it felt like my wall just disappeared!

    so now, well my godson’s mom’s voicemail didnt totally sound loving or anything

    so i didnt feel that way

    and im efeling my shutdown

    and wondering if theres another way to melt it other than waiting to hear something nice from her

    hmmm

    its like a heartwall

    id like it disollved AND i want to feel powerful and loved

    thank yu!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

  394. 394: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    (((FC))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:51pm

  395. 395: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique

    Smile – #383 – “it’s all about how you feel in a relationship” this says it all. and yay!!! you for working on you and healing you, and if he’s your “the one”, he will come along for this ride.

    I will carry this with me, thank you 

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

  396. 396: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    (((Esteemed))) #387 I would like to be a mum too!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:56pm

  397. 397: lkNo Gravatar says:

    (((((flowerchild)))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:01pm

  398. 398: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    In my case, he asked me to move in twice, asked me to go to counselling (to deal with fighting) and told me he wanted to marry me and never followed through on any of it. Things were feeling better then he almost lost his arm. He was never the same after that.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:02pm

  399. 399: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    In my case, he asked me to move in twice, asked me to go to counselling (to deal with fighting) and told me he wanted to marry me and never followed through on any of it. Things were feeling better then he almost lost his arm. He was never the same after that.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:02pm

  400. 400: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @124 Smile

    Thanks! Mr. Observant does all the leaning forward. I don’t even feel the urge.

    I still feel a little concerned about his bipolar. I wish he would get past this episode, but I think he’s being overstimulated a lot, which is being a bit counterproductive.

    He thanked me today for keeping him grounded and said he is so happy. :) He also told me a dating company phoned him and he told them he wasn’t interested. LOL

    No, I have been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to look into the book yet. What about you?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:19pm

  401. 401: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @148 Linda

    Yes, I agree. Mr. Observant has been the only man who asked, “what do you want?” He told me, “You are what is important.” He keeps saying, he is good as long as I am good. He wants to know about me, how I feel, what I want, etc. I’ve never experienced this before and it truly feels like that is the way it should be. We share.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 3:32pm

  402. 402: goldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    391: FlowerChild77
    First of all (((((((((((((((((((((((FlowerChild)))))))))))))))))))))))))
    Hi, I am so sad for you and what you are dealing with at the moment. You will find a lot of support from this blog and all the awesome sirens here.

    I’m fairly new here as well, I was reading the blog for many months before started writing on it. We have similar names which is nice. I chose mine after a lovely herbal tea called “golden flower of healing”.
    I dont have personal experience of a partner bereavment but II have lost friends and family. I know that as with all mourning, the loss will heal in its own way over time.

    I do know all about feeling lonely however. I have been dealing with being alone again after a nine year relationship ended two years ago. I am focussing on myself and healing my own self esteem and lonlieness. I can tell you that it is definitely possible to feel confident and whole on your own again and feel happy again.

    For what you are asking about whether to meet this new man, I would consider waiting a little, or perhaps just meeting this person in a friendly context.
    It sounds to me that you would help your self more by seeking out new activities where you would meet new friends that you connect with and can share experiences with. This is purely my opinion here, but i would take your time before dating again. You will still be going through a deep mourning and the healing process at the moment, so I feel it is important you are gentle with yourself and dont rush into anything, certainly not through loneliness.
    I feel you would be well served if you reach out to trusted friends and also reach out to find new networks who understand and can help and witness your journey as you heal yourself. Its great you are getting counselling, this is such an important type of work to do. I am waiting to get some counselling again in October. Invest in loving yourself as much as you can, therapies like massage or any you are drawn to can really help lift your spirit and heal.
    With so many blessings Flowerchild. Hope to hear how your journey progresses.
    xx

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:04pm

  403. 403: goldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    Flowerchild, have just realised I have read some of your posts before, a while ago, was this under different name maybe?. Anyhow, I re -read your post and realise you’re not new like me. Sorry, I dont mean to be ignorant of your situation at all and the lead up to it. I think I remember you posting about the lack of access to his house, or that his family were not good with you.
    Anyway, its good you are posting again, all these sirens will be so glad to hear you getting in touch. At night I hold a large rose quartz then do Reiki healing on myself, but then i am a closet hippy type. Whatever it is that helps comfort is good. I also take food supplements like Rodiola, which I found really helped when I was feeling low last year. Many blessings,
    xx

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

  404. 404: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @310 Dominique

    Congratulations!! :)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:35pm

  405. 405: goldenflowerNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm, I am musing over whether to stay and renew match.com in a week, or try out a new one, or some free ones? I have been so disheartened by the guysd who wink at me on match.com, I mean i really find do few of these guys attractive in any way physically. I look for nice eyes and such but maybe I’m too fussy. Its also because i feel like i am a pretty attractive woman, I do honestly look ten years younger than I am. Many people are always amazed to hear my real age, its just genetics and health. Which is why i kept getting too young guys approach me at clubs, not good! I knwo it sounds like this should not be a problem but I feel that all the guys around my age on the website (in my area) are so ugly to me. It wills eem negative to say but I have observed that an awful; lot of these men in their thrities have set the age they want as a lot younger than them, so i wonder if this is partly the problem too. Oh well, i will keep searching and hope to spot afew older than me who dont repulse me. I see loads of guys when i’m out
    that i find far more attractive than this selection. So i really dont think i am super picky. Any ideas welcome.
    I really want to CD but cant bear thought of going out with a guy i see as totally unnattractive.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

  406. 406: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Well . . . I was wrong about needing my boy energy for this court thing! My attorney wants me to dress like a librarian . . . lol. wow – nothing in my closet says, Librarian!!! I wanted to go in and do battle, but she says no – be the lady . . . well, alright then!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:48pm

  407. 407: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Receiving Girl.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:52pm

  408. 408: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Flowerchild – So good to see you back. I was just talking about you earlier this week.

    You sound good despite the tragedy you’ve been dealing with.

    How do you feel about meeting someone new? If you feel open to it, go for it, no expectations, just curiosity.

    If you don’t feel ready, then don’t.

    xxoo

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:54pm

  409. 409: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    (((Daria)))
    (((Siren Song’s Mom)))
    (((FlowerChild)))
    (((All Sirens)))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:57pm

  410. 410: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I am so mad!! :@

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 4:58pm

  411. 411: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tight in my chest thinking about how my parents won’t be accepting of me dating Mr. Observant because he has bipolar. They don’t even know him. My parents are so judgmental.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:04pm

  412. 412: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like hiding from them.

    Mr. Observant and I were talking the other day about feeling free to be ourselves. He said, once you accept who you are completely and can be yourself without caring what other people think, you will bring yourself abundance and you can have anything you want.

    I said, so I guess me feeling the need to hide from my parents is holding me back. He told me yes. He said, you need to heal that and it doesn’t matter what it means to them or how they feel, it only matters how you feel. Once you heal that you will feel free, but it is hard to do.

    I told him I hide because I feel judged all the time and I don’t want to feel judged. He kept telling me I need to heal that.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:08pm

  413. 413: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I need to release some of my anger.

    I’m trying to meet new people here because my friends are gone for the summer, so I met this girl which is very friendly and stuff. She’s very nice and talkative, so last week we planned to go running on Friday, so when the time comes I called her asking what time we were going and she said she couldn’t go because she had to go do something. For July 4th, she invited me to go to the town where she’s from and I said yes! But later that afternoon she texts me saying she’s not going there anymore, but that we could go to a bar instead. So I texted her back and she never answered, and then it’s almost night time and I’m still waiting and text her “hellooo?” Again, she said she couldn’t go either because she had to go to her bf’s house, that she’s sorry and blah blah. She did the same thing TWICE.

    I see her today, and she’s very excited about this party. She’s like I’ll make it up to you, today we ARE going. Si I say “ARE WE REALLY GOING?” And she says yes!! we’re actually going. Later this afternoon she told me she would pick me up around 8:30, so I’m about to get ready and now she texts me that she’s too tired and won’t go. Wtf?

    Why do people do that?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:11pm

  414. 414: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    When this type of things happens I get so much anger that I start getting anxious and I’m trying to avoid that. Talk to me sirens, I’m getting sick.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:14pm

  415. 415: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    goldenflower…thank you for responding. Yes, that was me who posted about his estranged sisters locking me out of the house and ‘using me’ for information, threatening to have my house searched, etc. (and then acting as if I was no one in his life after 13 years.)

    Anyway….my thoughts of meeting this friend’s son are totally in the ‘friend’ zone. He doesn’t know anyone here in town and that’s what was in my mind when she was telling me about him. I still wear my engagement ring. I know that’s probably kind of lame of me, but it’s so beautiful. (It’s only a half-carat…but the cut is really gorgeous. I’m not sure what’s different about it—but everyone comments on how pretty it is.) It’s the most beautiful thing anyone ever gave me.

    I am active locally in groups that share my interests….the problem is that I am always the youngest person in the group. I go to two gardening clubs and a writer’s group and I’m very active in our church…but everyone is quite a bit older than I am…or they’re married with young kids. It’s not that I don’t try.

    You gave me a little chuckle with your comment about being a ‘closet hippie type.’ I can relate. I think of myself as an ‘old hippie’—that’s kind of where I came up with my user name ;)

    I’ve called around about grief support groups—but they’ve all ‘ended’ for the summer. That makes no sense to me. People don’t just die and leave behind grieving loved ones in the winter. I mean, really? But I’ll be going to one of them as soon as a new one starts up again.

    My friends and grown kids have been SO wonderful about it all. They’ve all listened, kindly and patiently, but I feel like a broken record and now I just keep it to myself. (No one has said anything about not wanting to hear about it anymore, but I know I need to talk to people who are going through the same thing.) My therapist assured me that I need to talk about it—that it’s normal and part of healing. That made me feel better. I thought maybe I was going crazy—feeling this intense need to talk about him and our life and our dreams.

    I have a notebook that I’ve been writing “to him” in since he died. When I get so overwhelmed that I don’t know what to do, that’s where I go with my feelings. It still feels somewhat hopeless because I know he isn’t hearing any of it, but it’s all I have for an outlet.

    I also do the Hawaiin verse over and over in my mind:
    I’m sorry
    Please forgive me
    I love you
    Thank you

    I am so very sorry that I waited so long and made him wait. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there yet—-moved back in. Perhaps if I was there I could have done something sooner and saved him. I am consumed with guilt about it. Also that he may have had doubts and fears because I waited.

    Thank you for listening. It really helps to get it out.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:17pm

  416. 416: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Also thank you for the hugs, lk and SirenSong.

    Dominique…first of all, Congratulations on your marriage! I am very happy for you. You look so beautiful in the pictures. <3

    I just feel like I need to do "something." I am determined not to let this grief and depression get me down. I have to find a way to climb out of "the hole."

    This is a VERY small community and a teeny-tiny town. I pretty much know everyone here. And this seems like the perfect situation. He's still mourning his marriage, etc. (but still married) and I'm not ready for anyone who's going to want 'more.'

    I don't have that much opportunity to meet new people, so ….

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:32pm

  417. 417: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild you sound tentative but curious about this new person. Going out with him might help distract you a little from the grieving.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:41pm

  418. 418: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mmmmm i feel pleased and content :)

    yay my unpressured girl not ONLY wound up brushing my hair….

    but brushed my whole body which i haven’t felt moved to do for over a YEAR!

    ive been imagining feeling really good having my skin and hair brushed morning and nite,

    and its happening … sigh :)

    im blessed

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:57pm

  419. 419: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Receiving Girl

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 5:59pm

  420. 420: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Flower Child))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 6:00pm

  421. 421: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Siren Song)))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 6:00pm

  422. 422: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    FW…yes, that’s it exactly. I’m curious and trying hard to keep myself busy and distracted. I still have so much work to do, but I also know I need to take breaks and enjoy life a bit. It’s hard learning how to enjoy myself…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 6:13pm

  423. 423: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Did two MMA sessions today, one in the morning, one after work. Rahhh! I feel powerful. My blows are getting so strong. I feel so energized and powerful doing this stuff. I bet if I had stayed with CF, I wouldn’t have the focus it takes to train to be an MMA fighter.

    I love this new hobby of mine. I feel obsessed with my health and fitness and I am totally in love with myself in the best way possible.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:08pm

  424. 424: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    gosh, my life has changed so much. I gave up cigs in November, I gave up caffeine at the end of March, I haven’t even smoked pot in over a month, my blood sugar’s completely stabilized (and therefore, my moods), I wake up early every day now, I’ve lost over 10 pounds and 3-4 dress sizes, I can do push ups omgggg:), I started an awesome website that allows me to indulge my passions, I am studying yet another language in less than a week, and all my friendships are stable and healthy and the friends that weren’t healthy for me poofed.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:29pm

  425. 425: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    There are more than three types of men I shouldn’t date and they usually hang around POF lol.
    I feel do indifferent towards men I’ve been meeting, I feel bored with them; their agendas dont take me by surprise any more… hard to find what I want…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:55pm

  426. 426: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Starla!!!!!!!

    I am thinking to start zumba, at least once a week, struggling so much to lose a couple of pounds. Always starving ;)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 7:59pm

  427. 427: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, starving will work against you! Eat MORE often:) Just smaller portions. And then you’ll find you’re not starving all the time when you have to skip a snack or a meal anyway:)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:01pm

  428. 428: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I had a great time at my little vacation and SmartCD was wonderful. Except that my boss was texting me non-stop and unhappy, and I felt so nervous and couldn’t really relax. 6 texts at midnight on my day off.. SmartCD was making funny jokes about it, but I felt terrible. SmartCD was really supportive. And I constantly felt being taken care of. Had to rush home early because I didn’t think to take my laptop with me :(

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:04pm

  429. 429: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    I bought Christian Carter’s e-book on Sunday and I read a bit of it this afternoon. He talked some about how men’s brains really do sort of short-circuit when they’re feeling physical attraction and they don’t start thinking more long-term until that intensity wears off after 2-4 months; this means that all a man needs to want to be with a woman casually is a physical attraction with no desire for a genuine intimacy.

    I was enjoying it until I got to the part where he wrote, “When was the last time you heard a guy who’s physically attracted to you say, ‘I really want to be with you, but I don’t know how I feel about this and I don’t know if I’m ready’?”

    Because that is almost verbatim what PriestCD said to his new girlfriend the week before they started dating. (It sure didn’t take him long to get ready, though.) And that is the essence of what he told me in December he was actually feeling when he and I began dating in June.

    It just felt awful to have that reminder when I’d actually been feeling pretty good all day and not letting thoughts of him intrude much into my work.

    I guess the positive side is that he’s just a typical guy who acts on his physical attractions, so it’s not like I was unique in being on the receiving end of it?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  430. 430: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, what is the language you’re about to start?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  431. 431: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, congratulations Dominique!!!!!!!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:11pm

  432. 432: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, Japanese. It’s going to be my 7th language:)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:17pm

  433. 433: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((brandylion))))))))))))

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:18pm

  434. 434: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I had to remind myself to receive today big time;) He was running late and so was I, but when I offered that he doesn’t wait for the slower me and runs to the boat before it takes off, and I can wait for the next one, he said no. And then when we made it back he got a taxi for me first and I said you take it, I’ll wait, he simply put my bag inside and I had no choice but to take it ;)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:22pm

  435. 435: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Starla very impressive!! I only learned languages when I needed to and always postponed the ‘pleasure learning’

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:24pm

  436. 436: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    It would be my 8th if Arabic wasn’t such a hardasshatefulb*tch of a language. Yeah…i’m not angry *gives arabic the stink eye*. I intend to revisit arabic soon; that was years ago.

    Memulo, I loved reading about SmartCD waiting for you and then getting you the first cab:). Mmm men are so yummy, aren’t they?

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:29pm

  437. 437: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo (and anyone else interested):

    I just read this article on Yahoo! about foods you can eat to help you feel fuller longer:

    http://shine.yahoo.com/life-made-easy/8-foods-keep-fuller-longer-153700225.html

    I feel surprised how many of them are already staples of my diet! :-)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:31pm

  438. 438: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I feel so lucky to have found him;)

    Arabic must have a tough first barrier but once you pass it it’s probably not that hard. Just different at first. That’s how i felt about Hebrew. A nightmare before you get used to it, but really accumulating after a certain stage.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:35pm

  439. 439: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Brandylion!! Funny I sort of discovered these foods on my own as well, so it feels very comforting to see that they’re recommended if you want to lose weight.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:40pm

  440. 440: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Hebrew, cool! I learned the hebrew aleph-bet as a more manageable stepping stone to the arabic alif-baa. The hebrew characters are much easier for me!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:41pm

  441. 441: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I see, so Arabic is even harder. Good luck with Japanese ;)

    Going to bed or I will fall asleep right at my desk ;)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:46pm

  442. 442: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feelin disappointed waaah

    my girl called me and i think she tried to talk me into contributing money for something which i agreed to really

    but then she like backed out and i had already told this guy who was tryna see me that something came up…

    and now i have no plans :(

    and i feel sad that this happened – my mind is making it out bad

    i feel “unloved”

    opening my heart i feel disappointed and scared

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 8:57pm

  443. 443: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I saw happy couples in love in the warm beautiful weather today all over the place. I felt so happy to see it. I’ve come a long way:)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:02pm

  444. 444: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow major mood crash

    and upper lip twitching

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:14pm

  445. 445: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    whine cried a bit… feelin sad

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:19pm

  446. 446: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    and feeling better a bit

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:20pm

  447. 447: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    suddeny i feel untouched, unsexed

    my liver feels a bit achy in the back and i wonder if its feeling congested and im gonna get my blood time…

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:22pm

  448. 448: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this other guy just said he wants to see me, but his phone is dying and i havent heard fromhim

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:22pm

  449. 449: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well i felt my feeling and got to doing something fun and that guy has written me and he’s comign :)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:27pm

  450. 450: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What to do to stop pain and conflict by practicing the cycle of understanding in your closest relationships (and in any situation where you deeply care about the outcome):

    Your partner, boss, child, friend, neighbor, etc., says or does something.
    You observe the behavior or hear the words.
    Assume you have no idea why your partner is doing or saying that. Question your certainty about his or her intentions or motivation.
    ~ Ask him or her the meaning of the words or actions.
    ~ Ask him or her why the words or actions were spoken or taken.
    ~ Ask him or her what the feelings are behind the words and actions.
    ~ Ask him or her what he or she was hoping your reaction would be.
    Listen. Work to understand.
    Discuss what needs to be done, changed, adjusted, so that you can both be comfortable, happy, safe, etc.

    http://www.getrelationshipsright.com/stop-hurt/

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 9:32pm

  451. 451: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Smile,

    389 – Yes, the idea is to date 3 to 5 men at the same time, not being exclusive with any, until one puts a ring on your finger (or whatever your idea is of commitment).

    Rori talks about the girlfriend trap…when you give all your personal power to one man, by being exclusive too early. There is alot more to it, but it really works.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:48pm

  452. 452: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    413 – That really sucks! I’m sorry to hear you were treated like that. I hate when that happens to me. I hope you cut her loose. You know the saying?

    “Fool me once, shame on you.

    Fool me twice, shame on me.”

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:54pm

  453. 453: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Women are sensitive; they overthink every little thing and they care way more than they should, but thats what makes their love so strong.
    ~Unknown

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 10:56pm

  454. 454: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve dated one of each type of guy!

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:06pm

  455. 455: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    “unsexed”
    I feel that
    I like that word

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:08pm

  456. 456: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel that I’ve been receiving from my cds lately. Time for some sweet sexy leaning back.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:17pm

  457. 457: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so busy busy busy, but I’m having fun fun fun. Just need some s3x s3x s3x. Soon. But I’m leaning back :)

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:35pm

  458. 458: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for this post; I can so relate to the busy man type: this was a good reminder; this is not about me – its about a busy man; and well I will still keep them in my CD. and keep living my life.

    The Man child – gahhh, this man I have so many times been writting with, they often show there true color already by email or chatting; this one I very often dont even meet in irl, since their vibe scares me…alot.

    The depositer man…hmmm I might been very lucky, nothing I really can relate too – but my mother can.

    Anyway a great post that came a great time. I needed the reminder that there is the busy man and I just keep them in my routation.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:42pm

  459. 459: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    aw! my friend just had a baby. he’s sooo beautiful. i want to have kids too. i feel happy for her.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:53pm

  460. 460: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    aw! my friend just had a baby. he’s sooo beautiful. i want to have kids too. i feel happy for her.

    Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 11:53pm

  461. 461: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    soon I will drift off to sleep
    I feel almost serene

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:11am

  462. 462: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay1]]

    i took an unplanned baby step!

    i automatically shifted AWAY when a guy had to leave!

    i just automatically moved my attention out the window!

    wooo hooo

    im just realizing this

    yay

    thats VERY diffeerent from before, feeling hurt and unwanted without expressing it even to myself

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:18am

  463. 463: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I TALK TOO MUCH! says nv

    i get so swept up in my passion and im talkign talking and i feel like he cant get a word in edgewise

    im talkign about my passion! and i discover new things while i talk about it and it feels so thrilling and he’s interested

    and im afriad!!! am i making friends or what!!!

    im TOO AMAZING???? <<<< …. :( :( :(

    i feel lost

    i feel humiliated

    i feel exposed ad a fraud

    the amazing daria feels lost

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:24am

  464. 464: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i intend to have flowy, non tight non stiffened, legs and backstrings

    what would that be

    stretched lithe flowy powerful fresh flowy

    unencumbered

    right now if i didnt compensate by holding my lowerbody stiff id be hunched over flat like a very very old woman :)

    which shows something about my nature

    yay

    i ve been blessed

    i feel soooo loved right now

    by my grandma

    mmmmmmmmmmnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    i love granma spirt

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:27am

  465. 465: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    aha!

    i know what it is!

    when i touch around my nani area, even if im scratching or touching myself, i feel like im in my masculine energy

    like my mind gets all strategizing and i feel like a guy

    and i kinda get turned off

    and also i wind up touching myself rough and disinterested

    :(

    and this feels really exposed to write

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:52am

  466. 466: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Carol Allen

    It means that when you DO strongly disagree with something he says or decides, you say, “Please help me understand why you feel that way. I see it differently.”

    And then really listen to him, giving his point of view a chance, without pressuring him to see yours.

    And “never make him wrong” means, that even after he’s explained himself, if you still disagree and must let him know, you can tell him that you do, but you also VALIDATE something about his thinking.

    You say something like, “I get why you’d see it that way. I’d see it that way, too, if I were you. But I’m me so I see it differently.”

    The old, “Let’s agree to disagree” approach.

    You see, no one is ever 100% right or 100% wrong.

    Even if he is just 10% right, if he feels you appreciate his 10%, he’ll be much more open to your 90%.

    But best of all – he’ll FEEL GOOD with you – even when there’s disagreement between you.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:45am

  467. 467: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    You are an artist in the exploration of femininity.

    You remind me of the Performing Artist, Marina Abramovich. I wonder if you would feel interested in her work? Most unique…

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:50am

  468. 468: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    466 – That’s a good one!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:53am

  469. 469: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song how’s your mom?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 5:21am

  470. 470: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    The goal of human endeavors is not making money. The goal is transformation of society in virtue and goodness. It is a wretchedly perverted state, in which one lives for the sole purpose of earning money. He works, not conscious of what role he plays in society, for the sole reason that he is given money in exchange. Societies in which people vie and harm each other for money are almost always the most poor, and with the least quality of life – for the simple reason that people are internally poor, less than human, in such societies. It takes no genius to observe that where people are relatively good, kindhearted, believe in values, there is always greater prosperity, freedom, and joy.

    ~Schonweiss

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 5:59am

  471. 471: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @424 Starla

    That is awesome and so inspiring! You go girl!! :)

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:31am

  472. 472: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @434 Memulo

    Yes, receiving can be hard, but it feels so good! :)

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:33am

  473. 473: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @442 Daria

    I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed. I don’t like it when people back out of plans either. :(

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:40am

  474. 474: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Receiving Girl, I am finding great joy in it! I feel like an artist and I am the canvass, and I’m just painting whatever I want to see there. And it feels really encouraging that I seem to be a skilled painter, and whatever I envision does come to life on the canvass with the paint of my dreams and goals.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:40am

  475. 475: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I had such a good night’s sleep last night. I slept 10 hours and didn’t wake up once. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.

    Mr. Observant is coming to pick me up in a little over an hour and we are going away (a couple hours from here) and hiking for the weekend. I feel so excited to get away with him. He’s so excited too.

    I just emailed my parents and told them I decided to take Monday off and go away for the weekend and would call when I was home. I’m still hiding from them. I don’t feel I should have to share everything I do with them, but they get mad if I go somewhere and they don’t know because what if something were to happen. So, I’m being respectful of their feelings, but also giving as little info as possible.

    I asked Mr. Observant if his mom always wants to know everything and if it bothers him to tell her. He said, he tells her what he’s doing to be respectful and she’s his family so he doesn’t mind. It’s not a big deal to him.

    I need to get in the shower! :)

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:52am

  476. 476: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Starting the day off with gratitude

    I’m grateful for my memories of traveling abroad
    I’m grateful for my facebook friends
    I’m grateful for my comfortable apartment
    I”m grateful for this cozy bed
    I’m grateful for my laptop computer
    I’m grateful for my long, healthy hair
    I’m grateful for the fresh, organic food in my kitchen
    I’m grateful for my strong, lean muscles
    I’m grateful for the drinking water in my home
    I’m grateful for the sunlight
    I’m grateful for the ability to do whatever I feel like doing this weekend.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:55am

  477. 477: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Memulo.

    I encourage you all to read what I wrote on how this came to be for us. The marriage already was. So making it legal was mostly all this was, yet it was something intangibly more. Especially if you’re seeking another way.

    http://sexandheart.com/we-got-married#comment-2036

    xxoo

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:09am

  478. 478: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, I know it was already basically a marriage, but at least you got to dress up in a fancy dress and pearls. Always look for the opportunity to dress up in a fancy dress and pearls, I says:) hehe.

    You look beautiful in your pictures. I like your guy’s style too.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:13am

  479. 479: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    RG,

    475 – How exciting! Have a nice time!

    It used to bother me when my Mom wanted to know where I was going. Then I worried about her a time or two when she didn’t pick up the phone for a couple of days. Then I understood. So now I tell her where I’m going, just enough info so she could help me if I unexpectedly got in trouble.

    If it’s real private, I just tell her I have checked in with another friend, and so I am being watched out for.

    This all doesn’t happen as much, now that she is in the nursing home and I have my own house.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:16am

  480. 480: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    It is hard to live with someone who doesnt want to “get along” or invest in you or a relationship. If there is no commitment to a common end like being together then it is my opinion that is a waste of time. It becomes boring and there is no interest any longer. Yet there is a desire for relationship.

    THey have a completely different agenda it seems or at least you are not their agenda. It makes you sad, Yet there is a desire for relationship.

    I finally get to the place where I just dont have any energy to invest in even defending myself when attacked, try to listen or understand their side., Yet there is still a desire for relationship.

    I feel betrayed and duped. I was promised something very different than what I received by this last man in my life. Yet there is still a desire for relationship.

    My tendancy is to blame myself for being stupid, but I must say that there is ever a child like place in me that believes a person and my hope lives there too.

    I dont have control of others, but I do of myself. Pain in life motivates change. Pain seems to be my constant companion these last 12 years of my life. I dont like feeling like this. I am tired. Yet there is a desire for relationship.

    I am attached to the outcome of my life! What I do has motive, I am searching to have my needs met. There are things that I can provide. There are needs I have that can not be provided by me but from a loving partner. I know it. I can only shelve those things, I can not nor will I deny them. That is why it will never be ok to not have them for myself. They are as vital to my health and wholeness and vitalilty as water is to sustaining life.

    There are things that I need that I dont have now that will always motivate my behavior.

    You ever seen a documentary on animals living in Africa? There is no rain for months…watering holes are drying up. They are driven by thirst and their need for water. They will walk and walk and walk for miles, endure harsh and difficult circumstances to satsify their need for water. This is how I feel right now. I cant find water.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:18am

  481. 481: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning Sirens,

    First, I want to say thanks for all your support the other day. I popped on yesterday to read the threads, but had a rather intense day and did not say hi. I purchased a wealth consciousness program for $149 to examine and make conscious money patterns and it is a doozy. I have felt some good shifts, like I am checking my account balances almost daily and really thinking before I spend something and adjusting how much I drive my car and being much more proactive about building my business….

    but yesterday I was in this zone at the age of 0-7 on the tape where we examined how our parents felt about money and life being easy or hard and I felt really like I was doing something wrong to build my business, like I was breaking a rule or something and I drove to my office and parked the car and it hit one of those cement things you can’t see when you park, the parking lot was angled up and it punctured my radiator….done….gone…..and before that happened, i was feeling like the world did not want me to share my gifts, this awful, sinking constricted feeling and was making intention statements to transmute these feelings into a wealth consciousness state of mind that included being successful……

    and THEN, i got a text from my favorite CD, telling me that my email I wrote on using organic pesticides was amazing and that I was so smart…..

    and a colleague came running out of the office to give me a hug and said she would post my flyers for my talk for me…..

    and my friend answered my phone call for help right away and told her hubby to come pick me up…..

    and a beautiful dog with blue eyes came over to sit with me and give me love while I was waiting for a ride at the mechanic…..

    and so what seemed horrible actually showed me that I am supported and loved and the world does want to receive my gifts…..

    wow, I felt so exhausted after yesterday….and I got another phone call from accountantCD, who has called me everyday this week, so I am feeling loved and supported…

    thanks for listening….

    the wealth consciousness program said that the early years we soak up our parent’s beliefs and thoughts and they are unconscious in us until we bring them to consciousness and yes, that gripping feeling in my third chakra yesterday felt almost preverbal….i am just feeling glad that it has shifted and it feels worth the price of a new radiator to feel safe distributing flyers about my new talk….

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:37am

  482. 482: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – lol, yes and some really awesome shoes :) of which I did not get pictures, BUT we’re leaving for Boston in a few to visit my dad, and our outfits were requested attire for dinner tonight, so I will be sure to get some pictures.

    :) xxoo

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:55am

  483. 483: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    YAY Liz!!! xxoo

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:00am

  484. 484: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    379 – haha this is definitely a full time job, I try to read as much as I can but I can never get it all

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:00am

  485. 485: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – I so want to comment on this but so have to leave, so I will send you big, big hugs for now.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:05am

  486. 486: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    452 – I know right? And I’m sure it is nothing personal cause she’s nice and everything but still why do people do that? Cause they don’t know if you could’ve made some other plans, ugh. If I invited someone to a place, even if I get lazy later, I would go JUST because I gave you my word, and this has happened three times. But whatever!! I went out.

    On a more personal note, it’s been a week since I don’t talk to him. Feels like an eternity. Leaning back though, and it’s not hard but it’s not easy.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:07am

  487. 487: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Thanks for asking. She’s still waiting for surgery. They delayed it until this morning. She says she’s feeling better than yesterday though.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:12am

  488. 488: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    LoveAlways,

    457 – Owwww. Seems like you’re anxious!! I am too. It’s been almost 3 months since I don’t have sex. It sucks. But I like the way you express it lol.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:13am

  489. 489: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    Can you be a month pregnant and still get a negative test?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:17am

  490. 490: Healing WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine
    Yes, you could be. Although the tests are about 99% accurate…..what does the insert say?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:03am

  491. 491: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I said I’d be back the other day, but didn’t at the end..

    I’m getting a bit busy with outdoors activities.

    A little question here:

    I have a cd — I’ll call him the Seaman.
    We met online and have been chatting a few months, he has also been calling and texting.
    I told him from the beginning that I don’t want to get too much info or relate too much before actually meeting, and he has been respectful of that. So we have kept it short. Anyway…he informed me he will come to see my town (and mostly to see me), booked a flight and a hotel etc. And also told me he had bought me a gift. The way he was telling it, I didn’t have any doubts at all that it was the actual truth.

    The thing is that today was the day he is supposed to arrive to my town. Yesterday he called me from the airport hotel (still in his country)…we were chatting a bit, and to finish agreed to meet more or less at 19 o clock. And he said he would call about 14 to confirm.

    He has not called. And now it’s 19.10 here.

    I feel a bit tired actually. As I was to a grill-party yesterday and slept in a friend’s house full of people, so couldn’t really rest well. So I’d rather not go out with the new cd at all tonight (he was supposed to stay in my town quite some time as he didn’t get any tickets back yet). But I feel a bit worried, if he really has arrived or if he might have problems with his phone…and if he maybe misunderstood me (we are speaking in English, but it’s not a mother tongue for neither of us, so maybe he was expecting me to call him?)…I see the plane as arrived (from airport info) already in the morning. I did not expect any poofing from this guy at all. So I don’t know what to do.

    Should I call him to see if everything is ok? And then tell him I’d rather meet tomorrow?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:14am

  492. 492: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I had the test a month ago and I’m having a missing period again, it was negative. It’s complicated but I’ll describe:

    Last time I had sex was in April. I didn’t see my period at all in May so I had a pregnancy test after I was two weeks late, and it was negative. I had my period again in June. But I’m late again. Last week I went to the doctor and she said there’s a possibility of being pregnant although I had my period, but I wonder if that could happen although the results were negative when I had the test? Or it might just be irregularities, which is rare because I am regular.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  493. 493: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine – hmm I feel a bit unconfortable cuz I def would not wana go just cuz I said I would… Maybe ur friend, even tho she’s got some flaky behavior has some good self care boundaries, like it’s her life and time as well and shell only use it for things that feel good to her.

    My guess is she’s not aware you’re waiting for her so carefully and you have a variety of fun options too.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  494. 494: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I don’t know about that… it was ok the first time and the second time cause I know everybody can change their minds, but a third time? I don’t think so.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  495. 495: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Jasmine 492

    Could be because of stress maybe? I think the tests should be quite accurate. But sometimes the doctors recommend to take many of them.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:20am

  496. 496: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii – Uhoh! BAD BEHAVIOR from this man

    Your masculine wants to jump in and make it better

    I’d relax, not call, and notice I feel pist confused dissapointed disconnected pony and turned off. And then love myself.

    And of course not go even if he calls now.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:21am

  497. 497: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    It might be it but I’m a little worried. I have a lot of stress during the school year and I’m still regular. And I’m not even busy this summer, so I don’t feel “stressed” unless thinking too much about my ex can count. But anyways, all these irregularities have happened after the last time I had sex.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  498. 498: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine – yeah I’d feel sad if a friend didn’t let me know ahead of time too… Which kina happened to me yesterday.

    I feel defensive cuz I’ve flaked like that too… And for me it was Abt being busy and having fun.

    So that’s why I’ve done similarly to answer why, and that’s the impression I got from reading ur story

    I thought, oh that girl sounds busy maybe she’s smoking or drinking and forgetting or not prioritizing her schedue

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  499. 499: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    I had something similar happen with an ex a couple of times at the beginning of a relationship and didn’t note as red flags…he ended up being very unreliable (drugs addict who stood me up twice in the first 2months). Not saying this is at all your cd, but i was with him for 3 long, up-and-down years and i wish i’d rejected the bad behaviour at the start.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  500. 500: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I know what you mean and I’ve been there too, I know it happens. But it’s not only about that, a few of those times I had to call her to find out that she wasn’t coming, cause she wouldn’t even let me know. That’s kind of irresponsible. She even texted me to apologize again this morning, she knows.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:34am

  501. 501: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hey sirens I’m working on changing my perceptions of what people say and do and also recognize when their intentions are unhealthy for me.

    I feel judgmental of myself for that but at the same time I feel that is making me the priority.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:46am

  502. 502: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii it does not sound good I agree with Daria 496

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:51am

  503. 503: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling weary of wondering if the right guy for me will show up and feel scared that it will never happen like I’m “giving up”

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 9:54am

  504. 504: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    480 – It is sad, but that is a beautiful piece of writing.

    Where are you at in your journey? Is Circular Dating a part of your search for water? Any men in your world right now?

    I have found what Rori says is true: I have limited time and energy. So if a man is not filling my needs, I can say next, and move on to a new man.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:06am

  505. 505: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Healing Waterfall,

    481 – That felt nice to read! I especially enjoyed the part about the dog with blue eyes coming over to you!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:11am

  506. 506: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine sorry about your friend not showing up. It sounds frustrating. May you can accept her for who she is, but know you can’t count on her for solid plans. What do you think?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  507. 507: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Daria, Siren song, Emerson

    thank you for responding to my question!

    I won’t be calling him or going anywhere now, as i got already cosy at home and I am cooking some dinner for me.

    I do feel the urge to jump in my masculine to fix it. I kind of feel I would be uncaring and impolite & egoistic not to worry about him and leaning back. I really struggle with this. I want people to think I am nice & caring & interested in what happens to them. And I hate being considered cold and egocentric (some men have told me this lately as I have been practicing my leaning back)….

    But I don’t feel at all attached or care too much about this particular man yet. I feel like “Of course he likes me, of course he wants to see me! just something happened or it was a miscommunication yesterday”.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  508. 508: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    486 – “why do people do that? Cause they don’t know if you could’ve made some other plans, ugh. If I invited someone to a place, even if I get lazy later, I would go JUST because I gave you my word, and this has happened three times.”

    I would go just because I gave my word, too.

    “I went out.”

    You mean you went out by yourself? How did it go?

    “it’s been a week since I don’t talk to him. Feels like an eternity. Leaning back though, and it’s not hard but it’s not easy.”

    Yes, it is hard. Good for you!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:16am

  509. 509: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Emerson,

    hahah you are right. I mean she’s a nice girl after all, she just can’t follow her plans.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:20am

  510. 510: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    508 – I went out with a bunch of guys lol. It was cool, but I got bored at the end of the night. And yeah, it is GREAT for me. I’m proud of myself cause I don’t even feel like leaning forward. How’s things with R?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:22am

  511. 511: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Esteemed

    Thank you for answering me in the previous thread about the Biblical citation (I am familiar with the Bible, only not in English)!

    And you asked some clarification about what I meant saying it didn’t matter referring to your relationship to R. I think I did not express myself too well… What I wanted to say is that it doesn’t matter if he really wanted to propose or if he really wanted to be only friends .. what matters is how it all develops now (or not). What really exists is only the present.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:30am

  512. 512: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    I know it feels uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t contact him before he contacts me. Just let it go – whatever happens ;)

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  513. 513: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    u let urself get run over

    it makes us and our team look weak and shameful and gross

    make our kingdom look good and strong and powerful so we can be alive

    protect me from rape death being destroyed by others devastation

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:34am

  514. 514: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    Probably he hasn’t found a way to contact you? His phone might not have service, who knows. Wait and see what happens

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  515. 515: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine and Daria,

    498 – I’ve flaked before too. I think no one minds when someone cancels plans now and then. But three times in a row? If that happened to me, I would feel disrespected. I like people to take MY schedule into consideration.

    I used to flake a lot more than I do now. I found that people didn’t take me at my word anymore, and they said they couldn’t count on me. That felt bad, so I worked on making plans and sticking to them, or not make them at all.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  516. 516: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed and Daria,

    Exactly Esteemed, that’s exactly what I mean. I mean, if it was me who invited her to go somewhere and she changes her mind, I wouldn’t mind so much. However, SHE invited me and was the one who made plans, that’s what got me upset all the time.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:40am

  517. 517: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    510 – That’s terrific practice! Way to go!

    Things are going better than ever with R! I feel amazed at the level of conversation we’ve been having! I am going in with my eyes wide open, but I am going to do my best to not put up any walls, to practice just being open and soft and letting him in.

    He is seriously flirting with me! And when I have known him since 2007, that feels super exciting! I have never felt more optimistic about our relationship than I do now.

    He has been at the shore, and I am not sure when he is coming home. I didn’t ask him. But I am hoping that things will get better and better!!! I am very attracted to him!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  518. 518: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    511 – “it doesn’t matter if he really wanted to propose or if he really wanted to be only friends .. what matters is how it all develops now (or not). What really exists is only the present.”

    Right on! I feel the same way! Just doing my best to go with my feelings in the now…

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  519. 519: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    Hahahah that’s good if you’re seeing improvements. But just one advice, don’t get very attached. See what happens but don’t expect anything.

    And I’m a little confused about this “being warm and open” thing. If my ex contacts me I don’t think I’ll be so sweet. I won’t make him think I was waiting for his call.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:44am

  520. 520: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    513 – I feel curious and interested…will you tell us more about what this is about?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:45am

  521. 521: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson,

    501 – Are you saying you used to care too much about what people do and think?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:47am

  522. 522: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    519 – Yes, that is what I am doing, trying to not get my expectations too high, since I was left feeling disappointed many times over the past 3.5 years.

    Well, what Rori teaches us is to try to unzip our hearts, to be strong on the inside and soft on the outside. We all have put up walls. I am learning that my strength is in expressing my feelings, not being cold and bristly.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:47am

  523. 523: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know how (or if) there is any way we can ‘control’ our dreams? I know it sounds kind of silly.

    I make a little progress and think I feel better….and then I have these extremely vivid, intense dreams where I wake up SO sad because it felt so real. I feel like I was just with him…just talking to him. And then I’m back to square one—-all over again. It seems so senseless and cruel.

    It’s too much…I can’t keep going through this over and over again. I’m starting to feel scared that I will NEVER be rid of this awful cloud of sadness…this crushing pain in my heart/chest and this intense longing to be with him.

    I’ve been a ‘follower’ of Dr. Oz for years, although I don’t watch his show much. Last week I was feeling especially sad and I happened to see on the guide that he was having a guest who was a well-known psychic. She was talking about death of loved ones, so I watched it.

    Am I crazy? I’m seriously thinking of seeking out one of these people, hoping that perhaps I might find some kind of peace about losing him.

    These dreams are really starting to get to me. When I have one, the whole next day is ruined. I keep thinking that THIS is a bad dream and wishing I could wake up and he’d still be here.

    Talk to me…. :-(

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:50am

  524. 524: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    Mmmm I don’t know. I mean I never felt treated warmly by him. I just want to get to the point where I know what’s right instead of having to analyze or pretend a certain kind of behavior. Because sometimes we feel too much, but following our feelings is not all the time good.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:51am

  525. 525: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild77,

    I know how you feel. However, I don’t think there’s a way we control our dreams. But we CAN control our thoughts, and what they say is that dreams are the reflection of thoughts. However I’d like to know, who is he?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:55am

  526. 526: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    RE 512

    Thanks Memulo,

    I won’t contact him. :) Feeling strong in that.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 10:58am

  527. 527: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I was having lunch with a friend of mine and an interesting topic came up………..

    “What goes behind a prideful man?”

    Any comments?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:07am

  528. 528: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 514 Jasmine

    Thanks! Probably that is what happened.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:12am

  529. 529: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    And I just realized my ex deleted my cousin on fb. Does that mean he doesn’t want anything that has to do with me?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:20am

  530. 530: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Jasmine…thank you for responding. “He” is/was my fiance, soul-mate and partner of 13 years. We were going to be married in June.

    In the early evening of April 24th he had a massive heart attack while we were on the phone (it was a sketchy connection and I didn’t realize what happened. thought we’d just lost signal…or I would have called an ambulance right away.) I found him slumped over on the couch with the phone in his hand….still open.

    His estranged sisters swooped in like vultures…used me for information, threatened me, locked me out of the house and shut me out of absolutely everything. (Once they had all the information they needed, I was ‘nobody.’) They could have learned so much more about their younger brother by spending some time with me. But they don’t care about any of that. They just wanted to disassemble his life as quickly as possible and sell all his stuff. He had a LOT of valuable things.

    I know you probably didn’t want to know all that, but their behavior made the whole situation completely “cold turkey” for me. I wasn’t allowed to have any of his personal belongings, not allowed in the house. (They threatened to have me arrested should I set foot on the property.)

    I feel I could have coped much better had I been “allowed” to be a part of cleaning out the house and helping them sort out everything. I also lost out big financially. I had a huge investment in that house (both money and years of sweat-equity) but can’t prove any of it. There was no will.

    Sorry to go on and on….

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:21am

  531. 531: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    Ok.
    Seaman just texted me that he overslept for his plane (this morning). Sleeping until 15.00 And he already has another one. (Doesn’t say when.)

    Really… I knew something like that had to happen. But it’s really strange he would oversleep so long?!
    I understood from yesterday’s call he had ordered they would wake him up in the hotel. And he called me having some beers in the evening (like 22).. and was going to sleep.

    Now I’m thinking…was he that drunk? Or he has just been so tired? Hm..

    Don’t know what to answer… If he slept until 15 and lost his plane, and he lets me know now….6 hours later. I feel a bit bad about that. Although I would still be open to see him when he finally gets here.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:22am

  532. 532: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren song I hope it goes well with your mom. I enjoyed reading about your friend’s baby.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:29am

  533. 533: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Please go on and on FlowerChild till you get it out of your system. I wouldn’t want you dwelling on it when you meet a new man.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:31am

  534. 534: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    22 beers is a red flag Ulii. Especially if it affects the rest of his life.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  535. 535: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine worrying about an ex can create stress in the body. I would encourage you to visualize free flowing period and focus on releasing tension all over your pelvic area and female organs

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:37am

  536. 536: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Healing waterfall isn’t it tremendous the things we see and receive when we are open and warm?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:40am

  537. 537: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I dream scary stuff if I eat before going to bed

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:41am

  538. 538: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow FlowerChild77,

    I didn’t even imagine that was your situation when I read your post. I am so sorry, and I can imagine how bad that can feel because my sister went through that. She was married for ten years and her husband died in a car accident… she had two girls and was two months pregnant at the time. Her husband wanted a boy so bad and he never knew his baby was a boy, which added more sadness to my sister, they were trying so hard to have a baby boy.

    It was hard like you can’t imagine. She went through depression and even had suicidal thoughts. But she got through it. Family was always there, she moved out with my mom and got rid of his belongings.

    She quit her job and started her own business and has been successful since then. She’s had two men in her life after that and it helped her a LOT. It doesn’t mean she forgot about him, but it helped her cope. She has her ups and downs but NEVER compared to how she was.

    What I can say is, it takes time. My sister liked dreaming about him because it made her feel close to him, and you can just try to see it that way. He is still in your heart and always will be. As you start feeling better, dreams will go away. Feel your feelings, cry if you have to, turn to family and friends, set up some goals. You’ll get through it.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:43am

  539. 539: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, you think so?

    You said “I would encourage you to visualize free flowing period and focus on releasing tension all over your pelvic area and female organs” but I don’t think I understand what to do or how to do it

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:45am

  540. 540: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Femininewoman

    Oh… :)
    I reread my post, and see it could be understood as Seaman had 22 beers… No, what I meant was it was at 22 hours (10. P.M.) when he called last night. And he said he was having some beers then.

    Previous to that he has been working on a ship for 5 weeks (he’s a ship-technician), and he says he never drinks there.

    I don’t know if this over-sleeping is a red flag…? Or maybe he was just that tired? But yes, definitely…if something similar would happen more often, it would be. I have overslept for going to work… but like 2 times during 10 years. And not for 7 hours (he should have been in the airport at 8am this morning, he told me).

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:48am

  541. 541: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman,

    I don’t even know how to not worry about him. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can, hang out and everything, and even when I’m out I’m thinking if he would go to the same place. I hate it.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  542. 542: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Just put your attention inside your body and kinda use your mind’s eye, like imagining. Also put your hand on your stomach area while doing it. If it is tension or stress showing up in a physical way you can heal yourself with meditation and visualization. Just believe you can.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  543. 543: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii life happens so I can understand when people oversleep. If that is the truth then I would let this go. He must have been personally inconvenienced having missed his flight. I would assume this one is not about me.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:58am

  544. 544: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I was just looking at a picture of myself from 1992 when a man was tring to hug me. I can practically feel my shut down pull away energy in the picture. It is amazing how unaware I walked around for most of my life. Thank God for Rori and learning about melting into myself.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:02pm

  545. 545: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    (((FlowerChild))),

    523 – I feel happy to see you back on the blog! I control my dreams by meditating on God as I am drifting to sleep…I envision Him, and I imagine that the pillow I am hugging is Him, and I have “imaginary” conversations with Him, asking Him to guard my mind and guide my dreams as I sleep. But because He is real, the conversation becomes real. It also helps if I fall asleep listening to comforting music or a comforting motivational speaker or audio book.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:03pm

  546. 546: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    524 – Well it all depends what you want in the relationship, if anything. I want R in my life. I see the issue as schizophrenia, not R himself. There is a lot of good there, and I believe the good outweighs the bad.

    I agree about not pretending. And I agree that it isn’t always good to follow feelings. I believe the feelings are the caboose, and my thoughts and beliefs are the engine of the train of my being.

    Nevertheless, I have discovered, thru working Rori’s tools, that my feelings are a powerful indicator of what is going on inside, and they work well to protect me.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:07pm

  547. 547: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 530

    (((FlowerChild77)))

    Please go on and on as long as you need to. I agree with Femininewoman.
    Also, having no such dramatic experience as yours, I do find that late eating (and specially meat products) can have an negative effect on my dreams.. While comforting music and literature can have an positive effect (like said by Esteemed).

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:09pm

  548. 548: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    527 – ““What goes behind a prideful man?””

    Poor self esteem

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  549. 549: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 527 Jasmine

    How would you describe that prideful man?

    Probably yes, I ‘d agree with Esteemed on that. Poor self esteem.

    But I have that too. And I am prideful — sometimes and some areas of my life, not others. At least I think I am. But I think it can improve over time as I work on myself. So I guess in a man it wouldn’t be a static quality either.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:20pm

  550. 550: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    I understand what you’re saying. And I do want A (I’ll call him A) back in my life. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was bad. And I’m trying to leave all the bad behind although I am not trying anything with him anymore. However, just like I told you one day, I might have done things wrong but it was not all my fault. I want him to know that I am someone who has to be fought for instead of being open arms, because he also did a lot of bad things to me. I will for sure do things differently but I won’t carry all the blame on me. We BOTH were wrong. You know what I’m saying? That’s why I don’t want to be extremely warm when I talk to him cause I want him to know I have a life myself.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:20pm

  551. 551: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed and Ulii,

    You think it’s low self esteem? I’m talking about men who are in a shelf and pretend not to have feelings. Men who don’t show emotion and show off about their manhood.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:23pm

  552. 552: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    can’t follow feelings, cuz they give no direction, just sensations in the body

    direction comes from thinking about the feeling or from the past thinking associated w feeling that feeling

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

  553. 553: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Feelings are treacherous

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:29pm

  554. 554: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    And I agree with you, Daria.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:29pm

  555. 555: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    following feelings is always GOOD.

    theres a huge distinction between following and noticing our feelings in our body

    and from following impulses and sent by NVs in urgency

    its more than semantics, its a reallly crucial distinction.

    thats why the rori raye mantra is

    STOP,

    FOLLOW YOUR FEELINGS

    CHOOSE your words

    cuz we CHOOSE, after feeling.

    feelings don’t direct us, or even our choice of words

    well like sometimes “i feel like hitting someone”

    and really its stuff under that like feeling angry and then associating with hitting someone as an action in the past pattern that worked to feel better in the moment maybe like a toddler

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:30pm

  556. 556: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    following feelings means noticing them and relaxing my body

    THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO GET!!

    following an urge that tells me to do something with urgency is NOT following my feelings

    this is such an important part of Rori’s work so we can learn to love ourselves and feel our feelings and therefore choose and experiment to find choices that make us feel better

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:32pm

  557. 557: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey here’s my friend asking me what I’m doing right now?? Ha. Once again

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  558. 558: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Stop, Breathe, and Receive

    By Christine Arylo

    Stop moving so fast, so hard
    Where are you going?
    And who & what are you leaving behind?
    Not to mention the cost to your health and heart.

    Plus, what is the rush anyway?
    You act like there is somewhere to go.
    When in reality there is nowhere to rush to,
    But to stand right where you are.

    Breathe.
    Breathe I said.
    Deeply,
    Until you can feel it in your core
    That’s right…
    Exhale all that pressure,
    All the preconceived notions about how any of this thing — called your life —
    is supposed to turn out.

    That’s right, see, doesn’t that feel better?
    Breathe.
    Breathe.
    Yes, that’s it.
    Now you are ready to LISTEN…

    Close your eyes.
    Can you hear it?
    That voice
    that’s been waiting to speak to you for so long.
    Wise. Solid. Secure. All knowing.
    It has something to tell you…

    “Everything is going to be just fine.
    It’s all going to work out.
    It already is working out,
    if you’d just relax, let go and let it do the working out.
    Sit back… Breathe… and Receive
    the love
    the happiness
    the peace
    the support
    the grace
    that is always here
    When you remember to
    Stop. Breathe. & Receive.”

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  559. 559: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    You’re contradicting yourself Daria!!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:35pm

  560. 560: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    551 – Yes, i believe the pride and not showing emotion is all hiding what they believe is weakness inside.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:37pm

  561. 561: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Thank you all…it does help to talk about it. I appreciate you listening….it means a lot to me. I do feel like a broken record, but everyone has assured me that it’s normal to need to talk about it.

    I think I’m going to try meditating right before I fall asleep. Maybe that will help, although the pattern seems to be that I have these dreams in the very early morning (after I’ve gotten up to use the bathroom or something and then I go back to sleep.) It’s usually way too early to actually get up–otherwise I would just stay awake.

    I know I can’t hang onto him or the past—–but it’s been having NO CHOICE about any of it that’s made it so hard. If I had been able to CHOOSE to get rid of things, clean out the house, make peace with saying good-bye to the past, etc. it would feel so much different.

    I was “allowed” to go there one day to pick up my belongings (much of it was gone already—they let EVERYone else go through the house and take stuff first. I was the last one, which was so wrong. They had no respect for me…or for their brother and his feelings for me.

    I wanted to stand in the room where we did the last work (new drywall finish and paint and he’d made woodwork for the new doorway (he was a carpenter.) I wanted to say a prayer/meditation and spend a few quiet moments saying good-bye. I was told to “get out” and that I needed to “stay in my area.” I was speechless. WHO was I hurting by standing in that room?

    From previous experience, I knew when he put her arms out it was to physically shove me. So I just walked out. (Just a few hours after he died, she shoved me out of the house and locked the door. I was not allowed to grieve in a normal way. That’s what I meant about the “cold turkey.”

    I am so grateful for all of you and for this space to sort out all these feelings and frustrations <3

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  562. 562: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Excellent stuff about feelings. I appreciate you sharing.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:41pm

  563. 563: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    553 – Feelings are beautiful. I love my feelings.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:42pm

  564. 564: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    I think they’re beautiful if they’re reciprocated.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:44pm

  565. 565: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omgosh i feel exhausted from thsi screaming match w my mom

    oops

    im feeling so … dazed

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:54pm

  566. 566: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Please forgive/excuse me to those who’ve read all this stuff I posted already….

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:54pm

  567. 567: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild,

    561 – A horrible wrong was done to you. One thing that comforted me in harsh situations of loss was to focus on how that precious loved one lived on in my heart, and no one can take that away.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:55pm

  568. 568: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    That’s perfectly ok FlowerChild!! We’re here just to talk and listen

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:56pm

  569. 569: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Jasmine 551

    “You think it’s low self esteem? I’m talking about men who are in a shelf and pretend not to have feelings. Men who don’t show emotion and show off about their manhood.”

    I believe it’s not low self esteem always. Sometimes it’s just men behaving acting like men. At least I think it is. Like showing off a bit and competing and not showing emotion (feeling uncomfortable doing it). I don’t take it as bad always.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:56pm

  570. 570: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild,

    566 – Please don’t apologize! If anyone has an issue with you grieving and receiving comfort from those who care about you, then they don’t deserve a word from you. But I don’t think anyone feels that way. You have suffered a horrible loss.

    Please just take care of yourself here…and let us try to help take care of you. This is about YOU.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:57pm

  571. 571: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine – i meant one can’t “follow” feelings… cuz they’re just felt

    there’s no associated action

    so when you say – “its dangerous to follow feelings”

    what that translates to someone here who’s been practicing Rori’s work is:

    “it’s dangerous to follow the urges from past patterns”

    WHEN i feel a certain feeling

    the feeling itself does not have words or actions really tied to it except from our past patterns

    so we can follow our feelings as in notice them in the body

    but we can’t “follow” them out in the world – that’s not our feelings that tell us to do stuff

    those are our NVs who say do this or else everything will go bad

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  572. 572: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When I follow my feelings I notice them at times morphing. It will get a nervous shakyness in my stomach then it changes to a knot in my heart, then a lump in my throat then maybe numbness or tingling around my mouth and throat.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  573. 573: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    564 – Yes, that is feelings at their best when they’re reciprocated!

    But I love my feelings and I love getting in touch with my feelings…from joy to love to pain to sadness to elation to gladness to anger to grief.

    What I have learned here is that the process of developing a healthy relationship with a man is really the process of developing a healthy relationship with ME!

    When I love me, I will love a man in a healthy way. And all the people around me, no matter who it is or how badly I feel abused. I give compassion to my weak parts, and I find myself giving compassion to the weak parts of others.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  574. 574: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    572 – Yes, me too! I feel more and more steady emotionally as I ALLOW myself to feel that process! Because it becomes more and more second nature, and the bad feelings are quickly processed.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:03pm

  575. 575: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the basic feelings are : angry sad afraid happy

    they’re not about being reciprocated cuz they’re not about a man – even when it seems they are

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:04pm

  576. 576: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I understand now Daria, now it makes sense. What’s NV’s btw?

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:08pm

  577. 577: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    (((flower child)))

    The passing of your dear fiancé and what transpired with his family feels so incredibly challenging and that is in just reading your account while you lived it!

    What does come up for me in reading your thoughts is something that I think we all grapple with…accepting what is. It is the “if only’s” that continue the pain. And I am thinking more of the ways that you mention would have made the grieving process easier. Since that already happened and is over, reframing it may bring you more peace.

    Have you looked at “the Work” by Byron Katie? I think it could be very very helpful!

    I don’t mean to step on your toes here or downplay the injustice of how you were treated, just thinking this could help….

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:09pm

  578. 578: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    What about love? That’s a feeling and when it is not reciprocated you don’t feel ANY good.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

  579. 579: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    NVs = Negative (or Nasty) Voices

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:16pm

  580. 580: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Ulii,

    569 – I agree with you some but it all depends to what extent the man is prideful. I’m talking based on my own experience, and although I don’t think he was like that because of low self esteem (that’s why I asked the sirens) it was hurtful the way he would never open up.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:16pm

  581. 581: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    FlowerChild and Starbright,

    577 – What Starbright said reminded me of a saying that helped me a lot in my grief:

    “In acceptance lieth peace”.

    It is a process, for sure.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:18pm

  582. 582: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Also Ulii,

    I LOVE men who are “machos”. I LOVE masculine men. And I LOVE men with personality. So it’s not that I don’t like toughness, I’m just saying it can be harmful if in excess. So I just wonder why some men just act like that.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

  583. 583: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    579 – Thanks

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  584. 584: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    580 – One of the things that used to bother me the most about R is that he wouldn’t open up. The Sirens and other friends helped me to realize how I could inspire him to open up.

    Basically I took off pressure. I used to ask him questions and express my frustration when he hedged. In the texts I posted the other night, I gave a real vulnerable answer to one of his questions, then simply wrote, “I feel vulnerable”.

    My opening my heart inspired him to open his. He said, “You don’t need to be. Would you like me to share something?”

    When a man feels safe, he opens up. It is harder for a man to open up than for us women. That is partially why feelings are our strength.

    I finally feel at peace with R’s level of openness, and he is becoming more open by the day!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  585. 585: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    582 – I think a lot of men are raised being told to be tough, to not show emotions, to be macho. Most boys are yelled at or tromped down in some way if they express emotions, whether it is anger, sadness, etc. They hear….

    Don’t cry!

    Crybaby!

    Shut up!

    Keep your mouth shut!

    They are often ridiculed if they cry.

    I believe the most macho men are those who can cry, wear pink, and say I love you. I think they are the ones who are most secure in their masculinity.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:25pm

  586. 586: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine,

    583 – You’re welcome! We talk about NVs trying to bring us down and tell us things that aren’t in reality. They are trying to protect us, but sometimes they are defenses from the past that no longer serve us.

    So we tell them to be quiet, give them a cookie, and put them in the corner while we embrace new ways of thinking that help us build ourselves up as the beautiful Sirens we are.

    Early in my relationship with R, I would tremble and feel nervous when he talked to me, because I had little face to face experience with men. I was listening to “Modern Siren” throughout this time, and more and more, I would use Rori’s visualizations to see myself as a beautiful mermaid swimming around an island, etc.

    So when R asked, “What are you thinking about?” I was able to honestly share that beautiful visualization, rather than tell him I was feeling nervous!

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:31pm

  587. 587: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    Yes, that saying feels true to me. And, I can easily forget it at times!

    It is like forgiveness. It is not condoning what has happened but to stop fighting it. Then make changes as needed for the present and future based on what you may have learned from that experience. And, I would also agree that it is a process.

    I have watched some incredible videos of Byron Katie doing The Work one on one with people and it was amazing how they went through it. Some people had simple sounding issues and others difficult like the woman who felt she had to recover from cancer because her little children would not be able to make it without her. The end result that came Iowans they would be fine without her. On one hand that can sound cruel but on the other it brought her such peace.

    Another guy who had a brain tumor that was growing rather than shrinking ended up in his session finding the gifts tha cancer had brought him such as living his life with renewed passion and sharing love openly with others. There is a worksheet online that takes you beyond the simple four question process and is what Byron Katie uses in the live seminars. And it can be used for any type of problem. The acceptance of what is.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:33pm

  588. 588: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    I like it when you said “when a man feels safe, he opens up”. That just hit me. The last time I felt so vulnerable and pretty much desperate about our situation he felt so aggravated and told me “I don’t feel comfortable opening up to you anymore”. It shocked me.

    I always thought about that and always wondered when I got to that point where he just didn’t want to open up to me anymore, after being the first girl he EVER opened up to.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:40pm

  589. 589: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed,

    585 – That is so true!! There’s too much prejudice against men. I remember one time A told me he doesn’t cry. And I also remember one time he cried for me holding me in his arms. It felt so warm and good, and surprising.

    I agree with you when you say a MAN is someone who isn’t afraid to express his feelings. But I like a man who makes me feel protected, a man who is masculine and macho, and that even though he seems so tough, his vulnerable point is me. That’s what I like.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  590. 590: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Starbright…I take no offense at your comments. I understand, very well, what you mean.

    You are right. And most of the time, I try to keep my focus on ‘now’ and that he is not here….and not coming back. I really do try not to think of the past, or our house, our yard, our life, him….but there are times when the thoughts and feelings just take over and I must surrender and feel it. (One of the main reasons why I choose not to go the anti-depressant route.)

    I struggle with ‘resistance’ (that what we resist, persists because of the focus on it—even though it’s in reverse.) I’m thinking that once I can take part in a grief support group I may have an easier time letting things go. And I may get some more creative ideas about how to do that. For now, my notebook is the only ‘outlet’ I’ve found. (Aside from talking, here.)

    I remind myself that I am free and alive and that I have all this ‘new’ information (several years of Rori) about how to love myself and create a new life. I’m working on my Siren-ness ;)

    I don’t dwell on how things happened…I was just talking about it, here, today. And there are days when I feel pretty good and feel hopeful about my future. (The dreams really mess me up when I’m feeling good.)

    I haven’t been consistent with my meditation and I believe that’s one thing that can help me move through this. Monday I start going back to the pool (local fitness center.) Focusing on the physical might be a relief from all this heavy emotional stuff.

    Not to mention that I’ve gained some extra pounds—it might sound silly, but the no affection/no sex turned me toward the only other thing that physically ‘feels’ good which is eating. Specifically….ice cream. Not fat-free frozen yogurt, either. Full fat, sugar laden Breyer’s ice cream :-(

    I eased myself off of that by substituting sherbet instead. And now I’m weaning off of that, also. It’s been three days (four tonight) with no ice cream. I’m proud of myself, as it’s quite the addiction with me. In just these few days I can see the difference in my body.

    I’ll be checking out Marianne Williamson’s ‘A Course in Weight Loss’ from the library, once again. It’s a fantastic book, but I regressed back to my old ‘stuff’ when this all happened.

    It’s beautiful here today. Low 70’s and a lovely, cool northeastern breeze off the lake. Quite refreshing after the intense heat we’ve had all week. :-)

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:50pm

  591. 591: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Flower Child – i too believe working along with a Byron Katie video/audio or written worksheet would help ease the pain considerably

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

  592. 592: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Flowerchild,

    It sounds like you are doing some really great things. I have totally been there with the food being used for emotional/physical reasons.

    I am on a very restrictive program right now from Dr. Hyman’a Blood Sugar solution book and website. Because of high blood sugar I am on his plan and right now in the sixth week of his ultra plan with no dairy or gluten! Today with the extreme heat I was craving ice cream!!! But I will not have it!

    And, i hope hou will keep posting about what is going on.

    Starbright

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 2:01pm

  593. 593: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    There’s a new thread up.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  594. 594: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! I’m having a wonderful day. I went for a morning run that felt really good (I’m training for a race next month…. a really fun glow in the dark race!!), I went for acupuncture, got myself a smoothie, roade the bus out to the mall, bought some new exercise clothes for myself, and here I am, feeling cozy and lovely at home. I feel so blessed for my life.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

  595. 595: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Linda says, “Look hard and long at you and your needs and make them FIRST! Walk and hold yourself first. PLEASE

    (Hugs)

    Linda” TY Linda that resonates with me and is what I am doing now. I was always taught that my needs were selfish and I should put others last and dismiss them.

    I will not do this to myself any longer.
    Just feel shocked that my vibe has changed. Well most of the time.
    I have not fully transformed yet but am in the process,
    And yes where I used to miss my husbands presence now I feel repelled by it a lot of the time.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:27pm

  596. 596: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What to do to stop pain and conflict by practicing the cycle of understanding in your closest relationships (and in any situation where you deeply care about the outcome):

    Your partner, boss, child, friend, neighbor, etc., says or does something.
    You observe the behavior or hear the words.
    Assume you have no idea why your partner is doing or saying that. Question your certainty about his or her intentions or motivation.
    ~ Ask him or her the meaning of the words or actions.
    ~ Ask him or her why the words or actions were spoken or taken.
    ~ Ask him or her what the feelings are behind the words and actions.
    ~ Ask him or her what he or she was hoping your reaction would be.
    Listen. Work to understand.
    Discuss what needs to be done, changed, adjusted, so that you can both be comfortable, happy, safe, etc.

    http://www.getrelationshipsright.com/stop-hurt/

    I feel triggered by this.
    For instance he may think it is ok to spend time with another woman going for harmless coffee etc. sharing a hobby together as ‘there is nothing in it’
    I on the other hand don’t want to share my mans attention like that. It’s a deal breaker for me and no I do not want to be understanding and put up with that.
    The only way I am causing my own hurt feelings is if I do not take full responsibility for them and continue to be with a man who wants to do that because I would be dishonoring who I really am.
    We are a bad soul match, not the right man for me end of.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:40pm

  597. 597: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I see on reading this it says “in any situation where you deeply care about the outcome):”

    I don’t care about the outcome anymore.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 3:44pm

  598. 598: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    #245 & #246 – Yes men can change, BUT they will do only if they think they need to, or if they want to.

    More commonly though, they will change, as you change, IF he’s the man for you. It will be mostly unconscious, but it will be.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart

    xxoo”

    Ty Dominque, He say’s he wants to and needs to.
    I know that he will not do anything unless I give him a date to put something in place or leave as it is to intolerable to carry on.
    When i come at this from a calm place and really couldn’t care less which option he chooses he knows.

    When I come at from a place that I want him to do it or else he will choose the or else and not do it every time.

    I feel concerned that even if he does do it it will be very iffy and no real change would have occurred.

    After all we can train a dog to eat from a bowl, but a dog is still a dog at the end of the day and will starve itself and go back to it’s primitive self in times of survival.

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

  599. 599: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    not starve*

    Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 4:50pm

  600. 600: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique #306 – that is true, too. However, what “lack of anxiety” means to me is that that tendency to go into anxiety as a default position would be healed, AND it would not be coming also from something to do with the relationship. (And it could be noticed, because it would be missing entirely….but might feel wrong at first for not being there!)

    And btw, Congratulations!! :-)

    Monday, 9 July 2012 @ 11:49pm

  601. 601: Loney GaleyNo Gravatar says:

    i like to be a woman all the time and do woman things to and i looking for someone to keep me as a woman and make me do all the housework for them and they can have fun with me

    Thursday, 12 July 2012 @ 8:18am

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