5 Keys to Finding Your Soul Mate

This is a guest post I specifically asked Orna and Matthew Walters to write for us…I love them as a couple, and what they do:

5 Keys to Finding Your Soul Mate

If you desire true soul partnership, there is a clear path to finding that special person.  Outlined here are 5 Essential Steps:

1. Treat yourself how you wish to be treated.

There is no wiggle room here.  If what you desire is respectful love, then you must be giving that love to yourself.  Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly.
You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in your mate. When you embrace this then you become available for the love you most desire.

This also means that you live your life the same way you would if you already had what you desired.  So many people put off living fully until the right conditions are in place.

Besides, living your life this way will most likely put you in places where you will meet that person who shares your likes, interests, lifestyle, etc.

2. Let go of the past.

Forgive yourself, forgive the other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.  Discover what the lesson was for you to learn, be grateful to have that knowledge and experience and move on!

When we are focused on past hurts and disappointments then we are choosing our current mates based on what we don’t want.  Your last boyfriend cheated?  You better make sure the next one is honest and faithful.  This way of thinking will keep you in that old pattern.  Learn from the past, forgive and move on.  Finding your soul mate is about what your heart truly desires.

3. Make a list of qualities that you want your partner to have.

Be very specific.

Focus on values, personality traits and internal qualities, not on physical traits or external qualities.  If it is important that your soul mate be successful, then focus on the qualities that made him that way, not the amount of money he makes.

You want to focus on who he is, not what he does or looks like.

Then go through the list and ask yourself: – “Do I hold/have this quality? If not, how can you cultivate it?  Then start cultivating those qualities.

Be the person you are seeking to be with. This is not about him completing you.  One plus one does not equal one. You are complete and whole within yourself.

4. Be committed to your personal and spiritual growth.

Whatever your spiritual path may be, commit to it fully.

This is your path to wholeness.  Only by becoming whole yourself will you attract another whole person.

In relationship, water seeks its own level – if you want a Soul Mate, do the work to move forward on your journey and you will surely meet your partner along the way.

5. Do not settle!

It is possible for you to have everything you want in relationship.

If what you desire is a true soul partnership then the Law of Polarity says that you would not have the desire if it wasn’t possible for that desire to be fulfilled.

Keep your eye on the prize!  When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you don’t really want a soul mate.

You are telling the universe that you don’t deserve a soul mate.  And you are cheating yourself and the man you are with.  Stop wasting time with good enough, and go for what is in your heart’s desire!

I also asked Orna and Matthew to put together a special “coaching offer” for you if you’d like to try them out…they’re the only couple I know doing this, and their personal story is so cool…this is a 30 minute coaching plus the Soul Mate Blueprint workbook – with a $20 off bonus – here’s the logistics of getting the workbook and the coaching:

Go to http://YourSoulMateBlueprint.com – enter the promo code roriraye, receive $20.00 off (regularly $47) AND receive a HUGE BONUS – a 30-minute Laser Coaching with Orna & Matthew!

Once you purchase with the roriraye promo code you will download Your Soul Mate Blueprint eManual, and you will be contacted via email to set up your coaching session by telephone or skype.

To all from Rori: I don’t do any “affiliate” things, but I like to support my friends who are great coaches and recommend them and refer to them (there are only a handful of them – and you already know them all).  I really like Orna and Matthew – and so, if you decide to try this, will you let me know how it worked for you?

Love, Rori

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346 Comments to “5 Keys to Finding Your Soul Mate”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    beautiful Goddess

    of the mountain creek

    your green bracelets flash in the sun

    your laugh sparkles on the rocks

    look!

    a splash… playful Goddess

    is here

    thank you

    for bridging me to joy

    so securely

    with your scary rope

    so adventurous

    how do you feel safe swinging in midair

    she flies

    the Goddess would not have me miss

    that i can fly

    all dark all of a sudden

    im deep inside the Goddess

    about to be born

    its safe here and warm

    soon out into the light

    thru magic blood annointment

    i come to play

    joy in this world is your destiny

    you are the healing

    that needs only explore

    live! pretty

    rush and slow and fill and grow

    you are me, and i am holding your hand

    whenever you want it

    Monday, 4 October 2010 @ 9:42pm

  2. 2: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I like divine, joyful and natural is what i want to feel about my life and i choose to bless MONEY with these qualities

    angels please help

    tahnk you

    Monday, 4 October 2010 @ 10:50pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – theres a video on redtube (yes the porn site) that I downloaded on how to give a woman wet squirty orgasms…

    it was quite instructional for me so i kept it…

    its called

    “How to Give Women Squirting Orgasms”

    http://www.redtube.com/15878

    to everyone : this is from a PORN SITE… (banners of rather explicit porn about on the sides of the video) yet informative!!

    i feel kinda weird/triggered about the kissing on the forehead thing at the end, (he kisses her on the forehead, she seems really greatful for her orgasm)

    and i want that healed, i don’t want to get kissed on my forehead, i feel MAD…

    i love my feelings!!!

    Monday, 4 October 2010 @ 10:59pm

  4. 4: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Wow – beautiful post, Rori, and beautiful goddessy words Daria. I’m going to do some journaling about all this. More later.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:28am

  5. 5: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi lovely all,
    I had a good weekend. Last time I posted a list of things I tolerate and punish myself with, Jacqueline and others told me to make one more list of things which makes me happy and makes me feel good. I worked on that list. The very act of writing such a list was a pleasant experience and made me feel good.

    I am pasting the list below. Help me with your comments and suggestions

    Things that makes me feel good and happy
    1. A walk early in the morning
    2. Cooking
    3. Seeing the house clean and neat
    4. Reading a favorite book
    5. Getting up early in the morning and starting my day with a walk, good breakfast and some reading and work
    6. Go to my terrace in the evening with a cup of tea and spend time there watching the hills, the clouds and the houses.
    7. Listening to music
    8. I love it a lot, and I love myself a lot when I do research and work towards my Phd. I like writing papers, attending conferences, preparing for reading groups, write everyday towards my chapter, going for archival and field work, making notes etc
    9. You might find it funny, bit it makes me feel happy when I make lime tables and plans
    10. I love to travel
    11. I love to do inexpensive shopping
    12. I love to go to city, travel, walk through the streets and spend time doing things that makes me happy.
    13. I am happy when I am fit and when I do not put on weight
    14. I love to throw party to my friends and cook for them
    15. I love to spend time with my friends
    16. I love watching movies that makes me feel good and makes me feel intense
    17. I feel good when I write
    18. I feel good when I think I will move out of this job, this place and this man.
    19. I feel good and happy when i think that there will be better people in my life, people who will love me, respect me, and make me feel worthy.
    20. I feel good when my supervisor approves my chapter and give me comments
    21. I feel good when I go to my parent’s ‘s house and spend some time with them
    22. I feel good going to bookshops and buy books and read
    23. I feel taking a long walk in the evening through the buzzing city
    24. I feel good and happy when I have enough money in my bank account
    25. I feel really really good when I clean my house, make it shine, do all washing without piling it for weekend etc
    26. I feel good after a long, warm water bath
    27. I feel happy when I am healthy
    28. I feel good when I listen to my friends when they are upset.
    29. I do love helping my friends by being with them, doing things for them when they go through bad phases.
    30. I love to work work work for 3 or 4 days and then take a break.
    31. I love to go to a coffee shop, have a coffee, read, or write, or chat
    32. I love it when I wear a sari (which is an Indian outfit for women)
    33. I feel good when I keep a notebook write down my feelings.
    34. I feel good when I make my friends happy, by doing things for them, giving them surprises.
    35. I feel good when I do not throw myself at his feet
    36. I feel good when I do my stuff, live my life without bothering about him.
    37. I feel good when I feel powerful.
    38. I feel good when I do not go to him, not text him or call him, not initiate things with him.
    39. I feel good when I demonstrate to him that I have a life irrespective of what he does or says to me, and I am capable of being happy without him.
    40. I feel good when I leave the room when he shouts.
    41. I feel good when I sit in the library and read for a couple of hours.
    42. I feel good when I read Rori’s blog and when I see you commenting and encouraging me.
    43. I feel good when I spend time with my one year old nephew
    44. When i express myself and my opinions clearly I feel good.
    45. When I visit my grandparents and cook for them, spend time with them, it makes me feel good.
    46. I feel good when I have days with lots of things to do so that I do not have time for any unproductive or useless forces.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:13am

  6. 6: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all,
    I am feeling good these days because I am not calling him or texting him. He was supposed to take me for a trip this Sunday. He had said last week he will call me and let me know about his plans. He neither called not texted. I heard that he is away and on the trip. I felt bad that he didnt even let me know. But yes, then I realized, I am feeling bad about a man whom I hypothetically dropped from my life.

    I came to office and realized he is not here. I am feeling relieved that he is not here. I do not have to see him. I do not have to feel the pain of he making insensitive comments, I do not have to see him charming everyone with his talking skills and feel bitter. But I am worried- he will come back from his trip in a day or two. Will I be able to hold myself the way I do when I see him face to face, when I feel his presence????

    I am feeling worried. I will feel really bad if I lapse into my older ways. I will feel discouraged if I cry in front of him, or if I try to express my bad feelings.

    Meemee

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:22am

  7. 7: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all,
    I am feeling good these days because I am not calling him or texting him. He was supposed to take me for a trip this Sunday. He had said last week he will call me and let me know about his plans. He neither called not texted. I heard that he is away and on the trip. I felt bad that he didnt even let me know. But yes, then I realized, I am feeling bad about a man whom I hypothetically dropped from my life.

    I came to office and realized he is not here. I am feeling relieved that he is not here. I do not have to see him. I do not have to feel the pain of he making insensitive comments, I do not have to see him charming everyone with his talking skills and feel bitter. But I am worried- he will come back from his trip in a day or two. Will I be able to hold myself the way I do when I see him face to face, when I feel his presence????

    I am feeling worried. I will feel really bad if I lapse into my older ways. I will feel discouraged if I cry in front of him, or if I try to express my bad feelings.

    Meemee

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:23am

  8. 8: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi lovely all,
    I had a good weekend. Last time I posted a list of things I tolerate and punish myself with, Jacqueline and others told me to make one more list of things which makes me happy and makes me feel good. I worked on that list. The very act of writing such a list was a pleasant experience and made me feel good.

    I am pasting the list below. Help me with your comments and suggestions

    Things that makes me feel good and happy
    1. A walk early in the morning
    2. Cooking
    3. Seeing the house clean and neat
    4. Reading a favorite book
    5. Getting up early in the morning and starting my day with a walk, good breakfast and some reading and work
    6. Go to my terrace in the evening with a cup of tea and spend time there watching the hills, the clouds and the houses.
    7. Listening to music
    8. I love it a lot, and I love myself a lot when I do research and work towards my Phd. I like writing papers, attending conferences, preparing for reading groups, write everyday towards my chapter, going for archival and field work, making notes etc
    9. You might find it funny, bit it makes me feel happy when I make lime tables and plans
    10. I love to travel
    11. I love to do inexpensive shopping
    12. I love to go to city, travel, walk through the streets and spend time doing things that makes me happy.
    13. I am happy when I am fit and when I do not put on weight
    14. I love to throw party to my friends and cook for them
    15. I love to spend time with my friends
    16. I love watching movies that makes me feel good and makes me feel intense
    17. I feel good when I write
    18. I feel good when I think I will move out of this job, this place and this man.
    19. I feel good and happy when i think that there will be better people in my life, people who will love me, respect me, and make me feel worthy.
    20. I feel good when my supervisor approves my chapter and give me comments
    21. I feel good when I go to my parent’s ‘s house and spend some time with them
    22. I feel good going to bookshops and buy books and read
    23. I feel taking a long walk in the evening through the buzzing city
    24. I feel good and happy when I have enough money in my bank account
    25. I feel really really good when I clean my house, make it shine, do all washing without piling it for weekend etc
    26. I feel good after a long, warm water bath
    27. I feel happy when I am healthy
    28. I feel good when I listen to my friends when they are upset.
    29. I do love helping my friends by being with them, doing things for them when they go through bad phases.
    30. I love to work work work for 3 or 4 days and then take a break.
    31. I love to go to a coffee shop, have a coffee, read, or write, or chat
    32. I love it when I wear a sari (which is an Indian outfit for women)
    33. I feel good when I keep a notebook write down my feelings.
    34. I feel good when I make my friends happy, by doing things for them, giving them surprises.
    35. I feel good when I do not throw myself at his feet
    36. I feel good when I do my stuff, live my life without bothering about him.
    37. I feel good when I feel powerful.
    38. I feel good when I do not go to him, not text him or call him, not initiate things with him.
    39. I feel good when I demonstrate to him that I have a life irrespective of what he does or says to me, and I am capable of being happy without him.
    40. I feel good when I leave the room when he shouts.
    41. I feel good when I sit in the library and read for a couple of hours.
    42. I feel good when I read Rori’s blog and when I see you commenting and encouraging me.
    43. I feel good when I spend time with my one year old nephew
    44. When i express myself and my opinions clearly I feel good.
    45. When I visit my grandparents and cook for them, spend time with them, it makes me feel good.
    46. I feel good when I have days with lots of things to do so that I do not have time for any unproductive or useless forces.

    Let me know what you think.
    Hugs
    Meemee

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:25am

  9. 9: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori and others
    These days I am familiarizing myself with the blog and ideas that are being discussed in the blog. I have some questions and I am sure some of you are in a better position to help me with answers.

    1. How do we make boundaries and stick to it? Is it an entirely internal process independent of what you feel or what your past is, or is it something that we do by constantly invoking a bad memory or a pattern that didn’t work or by going back to your past? Is past constitutive of boundaries? In my case, do I have to constantly think of my past, the bitterness, how bad I felt, how bad he treated me etc etc to make the boundaries and stick to them?

    2. Last week I made a decision that I will not sleep with this man who is treating me as a piece of shit, keeping me as a secret, who is not doing anything to keep the relationship going. For me it was a moment I made a mental decision and made a mental distance. Now is it necessary that I communicate to this man? He does not care if i call him or not, text him. If I do not tell him, he will not even know that I have made up my mind. I am not particularly interested in letting him know. But if he does not know, he will think that the friendship is on. Whatever i say or do or react will be interpreted in the way he wants to interpret it. He will continue coming to my room and make comments on everything including my life, health and looks. He always boasts he is good at making friends with women who has bad feelings for him. If I talk to him, if I let him come and tell me whatever he feels like, he will think he is successful with me too in turning me into a friend, with his charm, his words and his power (he always does not). How do I deal with this situation?

    Meemee

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:59am

  10. 10: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Memee

    You are doing so FANTASTICALLY well, good girl!!! xxx

    I will leave it to the wiser Sirens to answer you as I am such a newbie, but I can really feel the shift in your vibe and it is so POSTIVE and WONDERFUL to hear…….hoping you are feeling good too, as difficult as this must be……………..

    Take care x

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:12am

  11. 11: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – I would start by practicing the tools when he comes around, especially leaning back and in the moment feeling messages. And don’t wants.

    I would not bring up my decision until he made sexual advances… Then I would tell him that I haven’t felt comfortable with the way I felt having a sexual relationship and the way I was treated, and I don’t want to have sex anymore.

    Boundaries are enforced by babysteps, just saying no to what we don’t want when it shows up. If we make a misstep and it feels bad, we will notice it feeling bad and be leas likely to make that misstep in the future. We just decide to trust ourselves that we can do this, and that we will have what we want, even if at first we don’t believe it.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:50am

  12. 12: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I have had this urge to email or call B.
    I don’t know why.
    Hormones?
    Fall?
    Whatever.
    Last night I dreamed of two times when I was with his family. He was saying not so nice things about me in front of me and them, when I defended myself I was (in the first incidence) called a bitch and in the second incidence given the icy stare of death.
    This has pretty much melted my urge to call him.
    I was going to wish him luck on his course next month. But now all I can think about are those instances. I don’t feel like brining them up. What good would that do?
    I am going to buy me a latte later today to reward myself for A)looking after myself in those instances and B) keeping myself safe now.
    No settling.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:06am

  13. 13: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer one thing that has helped me is this………….

    IF I text or email the man, how will I feel if I get no response or a negative response??

    I know I will feel really bad after a day or two so sometimes it FEELS better to say or do nothing……..

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:16am

  14. 14: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Memee — I don’t know about others’ processes when it comes to creating/enforcing boundaries, but I’ve found that some of my most important boundaries are formed when I’m refecting on what has and hasn’t worked in my relationships and figuring out what I want to do about it.

    For example, I realized that once I started having sex with a man, I would usually become very involved emotionally, so I put a boundary in place for myself that no matter how many times I saw the man in the first few weeks of a relationship, I wasn’t going to have sex with him until at least one month into the relationship. I felt like one month was a long enough time for me to get a good read on his intentions and on my feelings, especially since I had started using feeling messages and that tends to bring about more heartfelt conversations, imo.

    You will also need to pay attention to your feelings when you’re with a man and set some boundaries ‘on the fly’ so to speak. If he doesn’t something awful when you’re with him, you have to be strong enough to either give him a feeling message about what you don’t want or, if you don’t feel it’s appropriate to discuss the issue at this point, do the walk away.

    It seems harder to me to stick to your boundaries in the moment when he says/does something unexpected that you get a bad feeling about, but I’ve gotten much better about it these past couple of months. Just stay in your feelings as much as possible around the man in question (might be difficult to do with the one man because you work with him and work requires a lot of ‘boy’ energy) and when you feel bad about something, use a feeling message/don’t want message to let him know. What do you think?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:56am

  15. 15: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer — I agree with Barb. If you can’t send the msge while remaining unattached to the outcome, you probably shouldn’t send it.

    Old flames can come up to haunt as at odd times, but it doesn’t mean they’re any more right for us now than they were back when we were still dating them. I have an old bf from Nashville whom I still think of every fall because that’s when we first started dating. It’s true that we had a lot of fun (and good sex) together, but it’s also true that he’s toxic and was emotionally unavailable and I put up with a lot of bad behavior on his part. When I think of him, I just think that maybe I’m supposed to be reminded of the lessons I learned about that relationship and try to let it go…even though I feel I’ve moved on since then, I know that deep inside, I would still be bothered if I didn’t hear back from him if I msged him, so I don’t.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 8:03am

  16. 16: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I loved this entire post but this line really, really struck me as true:

    “When we are focused on past hurts and disappointments then we are choosing our current mates based on what we don’t want.”

    That’s the way I used to be. I am no longer like that and thank goodness because if I was, I never would have found J.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 8:09am

  17. 17: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I feel sad to hear how badly he has treated you. I don’t know the full situation as you do, but here is how I would feel if I were you, based on what I read:

    I would want nothing to do with this man. If I didn’t work with him, I would never want to be a part of his life. I would talk to him ONLY if he called me, and ONLY to tell him, “I don’t want to be involved with you in any way.”

    But you DO work with him, and that can be awkward at the very least. Do I understand correctly that if you didn’t work with him you would want him out of your life?

    If so, if it were me, if he talked to me or even around me in the workplace, I would turn my back and/or avert my eyes and either not respond, walk out of the room, or state, “I don’t want anything to do with you outside of what is absolutely necessary as a coworker.”

    What do you think/feel?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:31am

  18. 18: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    As far as setting boundaries, I set boundaries with people with whom I DO choose to establish a healthy relationship. Feeling messages and I want/I don’t want messages very effectively set boundaries in a tactful, gentle way.

    I am not clear on all you were asking, but I regularly use feeling messages to set boundaries. For example, if I am dealing with an alcoholic, I might say, “I don’t want to discuss this with you when you’re drunk. I’ll talk with you tomorrow.” I just set a boundary.

    Is this scratching your itch?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:34am

  19. 19: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused:

    “When you waste time with someone who is not what you truly desire, then you are telling the universe that you don’t really want a soul mate.”

    What about CDing?

    I really DON’T want to spend time with men who are not what I truly desire — I just want to wait for my soul mate –

    but what about CDing?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:41am

  20. 20: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. I really like this article. It feels like it reawakens belief that I really can have what I want.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:44am

  21. 21: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Good question, Lucy. I thought the same thing.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:46am

  22. 22: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy and Renee,

    It is written by a different relationship coach who has their own view. I think the only reason Rori recommends dating anyone who asks you is for practice. If you don’t feel you need practice, don’t go.

    For me, I think dating is such a drain of emotional energy and time that I don’t want to date someone unless I think there is at least a chance.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:51am

  23. 23: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Sometimes we don’t recognize people that could be great for us because we have “a type”….or they aren’t what we are used to…..or if we have negative patterns….they may actually be really healthy emotionally but we aren’t attracted because that “buzz” of crap we haven’t healed or worked out isn’t in motion….thereby missing the cues….cd’ing keeps us open to finding what we may not know we want/need.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:58am

  24. 24: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee

    Following from what Brenda just said, I don’t know your whole situation, but I just read the bit about him coming to your room and making comments about you and your looks etc. Is this a study bedroom, or a study room?

    It is your room, especially if it is also your bedroom. He has no rights there. If he comes to your room, you don’t have to let him in. You don’t even have to open the door to him. I have the feeling that he has been used to getting you to do what he wants, but your decision about no sleeping with him, is a fantastic way to start being yourself, with the boundaries you choose, that feel good and right to you. You are allowed to chose who comes into your room. And you’re doing so well – I loved the list of what you like.

    So just an idea – if someone knocks at the door, don’t answer, just call out “Who is it?” If it’s him, say “I don’t want to talk.” If he says, “Why not?”, say “I don’t feel comfortable talking to you here,” or “I just don’t want to talk.” No need for long explanations. If he is very persistent, just repeat the above for up to 5 or 6 times, whatever he says. If he won’t go, phone a friend and get them to come round (maybe warn a few friends in advance to say that you need a bit of help on this one). Or put on some loud music! Or put in some headphones. If he is used to just walking in after he knocks ( I hope he knocks) you might have to lock the door when you’re in, and tell your friends to use a special pattern of knocks. My imagination is running away with itself here. But I feel from how you write that he has got ‘under your skin’ and you are worried his charm will keep winning you round. Please look after yourself and trust yourself to know the difference between what feels good, safe, relaxed and what feels yukky, weird, unsafe, invaded and insulted in your own room, etc. Your body will tell you.

    From what you have said – he can be charming, but seems to enjoy building you up then knocking you down, he is probably what Rori calls “Toxic man.” If men like this don’t quickly respond to feeling messages, it is safest to cut off all personal, private, one-to-one contact, especially when their charm can lure you back.

    If you have to see him for study reasons, then make sure you are not alone with him, and that others are around. And you can walk away even in study time if he starts getting personal and won’t stop when you say, “I don’t want to talk like this.” I know how scary and impossible it can seem to start talking like this to a man, but you will feel a whole lot better when you do, and when you have established more boundaries.

    If he still won’t back off, and you have to be alone with him for your studies, could you talk to your personal tutor, or supervisor, or someone else at the university – a counsellor? – to get some help from the system. I don’t know what it’s like in your country and culture, but someone should know, not least in case this situation affects your research and the PhD outcomes.

    Sorry if this sounds very directive, and is not full of feeling messages. But with some men, we have to take a firm stance, just to get ourselves away from behavoiur that hurts us and never seems to change.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:01am

  25. 25: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I love your list. Whatever lime tables are….do that!! :)

    As far as boundaries…..I started with…”in a perfect world…..what would I do?”…..this helped me get really closet what I wanted and really honest about what I didn’t want.

    In a perfect world would I share my body with a man who has shown me a side that makes me feel unsafe? Or in a perfect world would I be stuck in an office with a man that isn’t giving me what I want but lots of what I don’t want?
    In a perfect world would I keep this a secret ……?…..or would I return to what makes my heart sing?

    I don’t know why that helped me but I start there with everything…..I hope you have a date soon with some one else…..even a guy that is just a friend but it is very good for giving a different view of life…and a previous relationship.
    Even a date with girlfriends….but a date of some kind will be wonderful for giving life a fullness and when your life is so full of what you love…the things that feel bad and icky naturally fall away….because there is no room for them….no need…..boundaries seem to start by communicating with ourselves honestly and not being afraid to express these self discoveries to others when they ask….. It’s also ok….to say…”I don’t know”….. Or I don’t know why….but I don’t feel like it…. Very simple ;)

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:08am

  26. 26: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee….p.s.

    As far as him….maybe saying to yourself …”we just want different things”….. Will help you…. It accepts both of you.
    He wants a secret friend and you want to stop living in the dark……you want a real relationship not an imaginary one….and it seems that you two define relationship differently :) this feels very accepting without blaming in a strong way……and it seems to just define a strong boundary immediately.

    Hugs,
    Nikita

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:12am

  27. 27: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Renee, Brenda, and Nikita.

    I have pretty much tested out all those things, Nikita, during the past year of CDing lots of men outside my “type” etc. And I have discovered that my heart and intuition are actually the most accurate compasses.

    So, I’m feeling more in line with what Orna and Matthew wrote….

    In fact, there were two men who have been texting me every day, wanting to meet me, and I kept up the fun of connection even though I knew they weren’t what I wanted . . . and then, last week, both of them suddenly showed their true colors with some stuff that came out in convo — which 1. confirmed what my heart had known all along, and 2. inspired me to break off contact with them — which had the unexpected effect of making me feel so much freer, hopeful, and open to the RIGHT man for me. It truly DID feel like they were taking up space that was preventing the RIGHT man from moving in….

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:14am

  28. 28: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee, I loved your list of happy things…it made me feel good and relaxed just reading them!

    A man who treats you as a piece of shit, keeping you as a secret, who is not doing anything to keep the relationship going, is not worth your time and goddess energy. Please don’t do anything. Let him fade away. If he comes looking for you and hasn’t changed for the better, only then I would use feeling messages to express how you feel in the moment.

    Jennifer, any man that calls you names is an abuser. Resist the urge to contact him. You are only hurting yourself by doing so. Start treating yourself better. You deserve so much more. Date yourself…buy yourself the nice latte that you want. Keep your heart and eyes open for a warm, caring soul.

    I have started to learn to trust my gut instincts more…to just “be” in the moment, feel what it feels like, as opposed to “do”.

    I went to see The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Gahoole on the weekend with my daughter. In the movie, they said to “follow your gizzard…fly from within” and that is my new mantra. Close my eyes and listen to my soul and how it feels about things.

    I have been enjoying and living my life exactly as I want it to be. I think I met my soulmate on a trip I treated myself to in Europe this summer. Something I always wanted to do. Now, I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks and last night I started to panic. All my fears came up. I had such an urge to email him, to ask him what’s going on, to get angry for him not emailing anymore….then I stopped. I just sank down in my bed and felt the feelings come up. I realized I have to go through the feelings, go through the pain, go through the fear, go through the anger…there is no other way to heal. I used to look for diversions, like “doing” something about it…to avoid facing my pain. Now I know that it doesn’t work. The pain will keep coming back until I am forced to face them and work through them.

    So as I lay in my bed, crying, feeling my pain, I realized the pain was coming from something much much earlier…it wasn’t him. It was the last boyfriend I had who had “abandoned” me. He had been so nice to me for months and then suddenly turned into a stranger, told me he had met someone else and that I had no right to even talk to him….it was awful. All I wanted was to love him and be loved. All those bad feelings resurfaced. It was like he was haunting me.

    Now had I acted on all those feelings, with my new guy, my soulmate, I would have destroyed any chance of anything good growing between us.

    I am so glad I just lay there and processed all the feelings I was feeling. Then strangely, they melted away….I felt better this morning. More alive. Happy. Trusting that everything will be ok.

    I know my soulmate is busy. He just recently relocated, new job, new country, new everything. Probably has his own crap to deal with (i.e. letting go of his past, baggage, etc.), but that is not my problem. I must take care of me. I don’t want to take care of someone else, other than me and my daughter. A real man can take care of himself. And when he is done doing whatever it is he has to do…I know he will come looking for me. I can feel it…in my gizzard : )

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:21am

  29. 29: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Thats great :) if I remember correctly you had a moment during the ceremony where listening to your intuition was important….so perhaps all of this year was about strengthening that faith in your inner voice. I love trusting my intuition…..it’s a lot easier to trust a man when we trust ourselves….and recognize the voice…..I have very strong dreams….and I never ask my li where/what/who…..I don’t care…..I trust my own intuition to alert me if something is off….and that trust helps me to relax and enjoy him :)

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:25am

  30. 30: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Kristine, I LOVE your post!! It all resonates with me so much!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:26am

  31. 31: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    RE: #10 – Do I understand correctly that the nasty names and the stare of death were part of your dream?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:26am

  32. 32: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ps.

    Lucy…..I don’t believe in soul mates :)

    Well…..I don’t believe we marry our soul mate…and I don’t believe there is just one …… I “met” my soulmate very young and he died….. But I Know he was my soul mate….. But he wasn’t my husband :)
    I learned I want something very different in ….. Many are our soul mates….. That’s my view and after lots of friends and lovers dying I’m sticking to it ;)

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:31am

  33. 33: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhh, Nikita, thanks! That really resonates with me!

    Yes, I DID need to strengthen my faith in my inner voice… and a year of CDing did the trick!

    Ignoring my intuition was what got me into an unhealthy marriage in the first place. I shared the whole story on here a long time ago, but in a nut shell, I had a gut feeling to call off the wedding a couple months before the date — but I allowed my friend and fiance to talk me into going through with it — and at that moment, sitting in my friend’s living room with the two of them, I actually consciously pushed my bad feelings about it down down down out of conscious awareness. I remember it keenly. It was a very weird feeling. I chose what I “should” do over what my heart was pleading with me to do.

    And, many years later, the way I found out my husband was cheating was through a vivid, graphic dream that, when I woke up, a voice told me was true.

    So this feels pretty good right now, putting this all together!

    I can trust my heart. Yay!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:38am

  34. 34: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lucy. I just want to share what I have been going through because I know it helps others…I want the other sirens to learn from my mistakes…to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…to help them be strong and realize we are not alone in this world….what Rori and her colleagues say really does work. I am grateful that we have found them and each other. Cheers to sisterhood!

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:45am

  35. 35: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I hear you about soul mates. I really only used that term because it was the one they used in the article — so I was using it the way they seemed to be using it — just, really, to mean the one you want to share your life with.

    “Soul mates” is used to mean so many different things by different people.

    There is a sense in which I feel some of my female friends have been soul mates . . . and I also feel a soul mate feeling with TN man, even though I highly doubt we would ever marry or be in an exclusive relationship together.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:45am

  36. 36: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I believe Ryan is my Soul Mate.

    On the best day of my life, after spending 12 hours talking at the beach, we were embracing when Ryan said, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world! This is a divine friendship!”

    We weren’t committed yet. I felt and feel the same way, and it is the most meaningful thing anyone ever said to me. I read a cool book by Derek Prince, “God is a Matchmaker”! He found both of his wives supernaturally (he remarried after he was widowed after a wonderful 30 year marriage)!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:50am

  37. 37: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, hang onto that beautiful feeling…don’t lose touch with it…now that you have tasted it, you know what it feels like.

    I believe there are many possible soulmates out there. Its that feeling you felt with Ryan that will lead you to the “right” one…it could be him, and if its not him, what you felt is how it will feel with the one you are about to meet… : )

    That is how I feel about my European guy…if its not him, I know the feeling of what it will be like with the right one, when he does show up. Time will tell.

    Our feelings are our compass in this world…as Rori says, keep following the good feelings…they will attract your true soulmate to you.

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:00am

  38. 38: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and Brenda, just to be clear, don’t hang onto “the guy” (Ryan)…just hang onto the feeling…that is what you really want. Let the real guy that keeps giving you those feelings just show up on his own…he will, if he hasn’t already : )

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:04am

  39. 39: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    Yes!!! Its when we trust ourselves that we can trust a man… and trusting a man is the greatest gift of love one can give him.

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:08am

  40. 40: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    One of my best friends got married this weekend. And as her goddess-sister, I made sure she could trust, admire and appreciate her man before taking the plunge. Those are the 3 most important things a man needs to feel loved. Then he can adore and cherish his woman.

    The lesson here is that men and women are different and feel love differently. Also, if you don’t see anything in a man that you admire, appreciate or trust (including trusting that he can take care of himself and the relationship, where you don’t have to DO anything), then he is not the man for you.

    That was the big mistake I made in my past marriage. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have chosen a man I could admire, appreciate and trust, instead of chasing after someone and a relationship where I had to do everything!!! And then of course he couldn’t cherish and adore me…and I felt unappreciated and unloved, not to mention used and abused…Big yuck!

    Been there, done that, learned from it…the hard way. I’m so happy I got out and found myself again : )

    Kristine.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:15am

  41. 41: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    And, fyi, my friend who got married this weekend has been practicing everything Rori has been saying for the past couple of years. She met her wonderful husband a year ago and now THEY ARE HAPPILY MARRIED!!! He rowed the boat…but he tried to move in with her (pushing her boundaries), and she said NO, she wants to be married and have kids…and well, that was that. She got what she wanted by leaning back, using feeling messages, not telling him what to do, and just sticking to what she wanted. She CD’d a lot of guys before him, but he was the one that stuck around and treated her really really well…and had all the qualities she wanted in a man too. I am so happy for her! This is proof that what Rori says really really works! I’m next, I hope!!!

    Kristine.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:32am

  42. 42: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m stuck someplace else again on blog. I’m new here and feeling disappointed; I’m here for the long haul so I’ll stay anyway and keep reading and learning.

    If using words like se x and pen is prohibited, I can make s exlessposts until I’ve been here for a while. I noticed some others here mentioning porn but I don’t intend to use that.

    Another resource I’ve looked at in the past week is the dummies books web sites (there are a couple places that index “Dummies Books.”)

    I’m looking at the “For Dummies” books as inspiration for trying some new activities in planning “dates with myself.” I’m thinking of it as circular dating in a single serve package.

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:33am

  43. 43: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Mee Mee – I love love love the LIST! I see you got a bunch of other advice, too….so about the list.

    There’s a tool called the walk away – usually it’s if you are arguing with someone and it’s not getting anywhere – you just stop what you are doing, turn around and go do something else that FEELS GOOD!! That’s why I wanted you to have the list – so that when you are blue, or down – you can sometimes just decided not to dwell on it, pick an item off the list and go do that thing.

    I am happy reading your list – I am happy that there are as many if not more feeling good things for you to list about than feeling bad things.

    And I’m really glad you’re getting such great comments – I hope you can learn and grow and have a great, loving time here!

    Best,
    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:36am

  44. 44: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Betty Boop!! OOP…I mean Brenda – cute cute pix!!

    J

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:37am

  45. 45: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, that post went through…I think…

    I’ve been looking at Craig’s List personals to see what the senior women are putting in ads and also to see if there are any men looking for woman my age.

    I’m finding the guys routinely looking for women 5-30 years younger than they. It some cases it would be funny if that didn’t make things sad for me.

    OK, some of the ads are darn funny even if they are sad for me.

    Also, Rori’s post on OKCupid is wonderful. I took a look at that site even though I am no way ready for it. I got lost but managed to look at a few profiles. I’ll keep looking and learning until I’m ready for it,

    Thanks for putting up the OKCupid instructions; it will take me a while to become comfortable with that site. It’s a little scary going out there when no one would want to go on a date with me. It feels like a big challenge! This means to me that I’m not ready yet.

    Evan Marc Katz writes we should lie about age on online dating sites. I’m not sure what I will do about this. What do you sirens think?

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:46am

  46. 46: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I just read your posts and you have come such a long way in a short period of time. In just a few days you have done the following:
    -created boundaries for yourself
    -made a decision not to be a secret
    -made a decision not to have sex with someone who does not make you feel good
    -made a decision not to move the “relationship” forward
    -made a decision not to call
    -made a decision not to email
    - made a great list of things that make you happy
    -learned so much about embracing your own heart so its full when you meet the men out there who can’t wait to meet you

    What progress!! Daisy’s post is great about not needing to explain your boundaries unless he contacts you and wants something from you.

    You go, girl!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:57am

  47. 47: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Have any of you gotten the relationship speech from a man before you could deliver it?

    I asked you all for help over the weekend with the relationship speech – what to say if marriage and the ring is not your goal. Much to my surprise, I received the speech from him first! He stated his intentions. He’s looking for a serious relationship and looking for “the one”. This is what I am looking for too, and I feel so scared. I actually felt sick to my stomach after reading his message to me. I have not even met this man yet in person. I feel like I need to be on my best behavior. I feel like I am being evaluated. I feel like I will be walking on eggshells. I feel like I have no control. I’ve never, ever felt anything like this, but I’ve never had a man be so direct and strong in his pursuit, who is really available. I am embracing these feelings and working through them.

    Oh my! I am learning so much!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:04pm

  48. 48: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, my friend met her husband on eHarmony. I would not lie about my age. I’m not young and I keep an open mind. I have found a lot of younger guys are looking for older women too…they are more mature and are tired of the needy girls who chase them : )

    I tried the online dating sites and haven’t had much luck. I’ve been out on dates generated from those sites, but I never felt any chemistry. I find it way easier to meet men (and get a feel for their energy) just out and about doing what I like to do…keep smiling and practice doing eye contact with all the guys you meet…and let them HELP you, open doors for you, lift heavy bags for you, etc. and make sure you say THANK YOU. Practice being a woman, walking (sauntering), talking, dressing like a feminine woman…you’ll start to see guys stand up and take notice! : )

    That is the best way I found to meet men…and nice ones too! Let them talk to you first and just practice being open, receptive, warm and expressing how you feel….

    Do fun things that you like to do and you will meet men with similar interests! Don’t worry about the dating part or the future. Just enjoy the moment.

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:16pm

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Amy F. – I would not want to be with a man I feel on eggshells with, or feel like I’m being evaluated.

    I would feel like he’s pursuing “marriage”, not me.

    I don’t want that,

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:16pm

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – those words are not moderated.

    Rori encourages women to put a lower age on the “automated screening” part, and then their real age on the profile.

    So that they don’t get screened out.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:18pm

  51. 51: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #26 Krisine

    GREAT post, love that going with you gizzard thing :D

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:21pm

  52. 52: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #43 SLV

    Well I have lied on the profile on the paid dating site I joined. I am 57 and kept getting much older men (late 60′s) on POF as I have obviously been put into the category of over 55′s, like some old age club :)

    So on the new site I dropped my age to 52 and figure out I will tell the man on the first date IF I feel the need, because really its not anybody else’s business first off, if I met a man in a bar or a club I am sure he is not going to ask my age is he?

    I had a date last Saturday with a guy who SAID he was 52 on his profile, well seeing as he was older looking/heavier and shorter I felt no need to tell him my REAL age when I was in so much better shape than him even though I was 5 years older………

    IF I feel an attraction happening THEN I will tell the man, but not on this CD’ing malarkey where we may just have one off dates…….

    Why don’t you give Plenty Of Fish a whirl just for a tester, it’s free and they quality of men hasn’t been great for me so far, but at least it will get you into the habit of emailing guys and using the feeling messages.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:31pm

  53. 53: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Amy, oh my…you haven’t even met this man and he is proposing marriage? Yikes! No wonder you are scared. I’d run if that is the case.

    However, I don’t think that is what he said. He may just be trying to get a feel for whether or not you are serious about a real relationship or just looking for a good time. Believe it or not, there are a lot of men out there who really and truly want to find a wife…to adore and cherish and have a family with. They have reached a stage in their lives where they are tired of the bar scene and dating around. And they meet lots of women who are not interested in a real relationship, and they may have been hurt.

    He sounds like a man who knows what he wants. He has a purpose in life. That is good. He said he is looking for the one. But don’t get confused thinking “the one” is you….yet. You don’t have to walk on eggshells. All you need to be is your soft, feeling self. And get curious about him. Ask him questions. Find out who he is, what he is about…and most importantly, how he TREATS you….slowly over time. Remember, you are in the drivers seat. The man does the proposing. The woman has the choice of saying yes, or no. You always have the right to walk away. ALWAYS. So don’t be scared. You can take care of yourself.

    I would agree with him and say yes, I want to find “the one” that is right for me too. Then let him row the boat. If he asks you to do something that you don’t like or aren’t ready for, or that makes you feel scared or uncomfortable, just tell him NO, I don’t want to do that, and tell him how you feel (no reasons necessary). Then you will see if he respects your feelings. That is important.

    Yes intimacy is scary. You don’t have control. That is why we are here. When we chase men, we have control issues. It is hard to let go and trust yourself that you won’t get yourself talked or taken into a situation you don’t want to be in. It is hard to let love in. It is hard to feel vulnerable, when you have had walls up for so long.

    After I met my soulmate in Europe and he started talking about coming to see me…I FREAKED OUT!!! I thought, OMG, he is SERIOUS! I had never been pursued like that either…well, I didn’t react. I just sat with those freaked out feelings until I felt more comfortable with them. I didn’t say anything, other than encourage him and staying open to the possibility…who knows, he hasn’t actually shown up on my doorstep yet and he may never come. Talk is cheap. Don’t believe everything men say. Just watch what they DO. That speaks for itself. A decent man will take the time to get to know you (and go out with you in person many many times…usually months) before he proposes. But he is also scared of being rejected so he won’t want to waste his time with someone who has no interest in a real relationship either. That is probably why he is trying to find out what your expectations are…and that is not a bad thing. Learn to let go of control and trust yourself. When he really asks you to marry him, then you decide yes or no. Till then, forget about it and just enjoy the MYSTERY and let your own personal love story unfold : )

    Kristine.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:45pm

  54. 54: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #51 Krisine

    You write such FANTASTIC posts!! Thank you.

    I haven’t seen you on here until recently yet you seem to know so much about this RR stuff………
    did you learn it all here or where you just naturally doing this Goddess thing that some of us (me) struggle with……..

    Also your friend that just got married did she learn the RR way first before she met her husband?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:49pm

  55. 55: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I’ve had men ask me how old I am and I just smile and say…a lady never reveals her age ; )

    Where is the mystery? Men don’t care how old you are (unless they are looking to have babies and you are too old for that). I look 15 years younger than my age (especially next to my friends) and I never never lie….nor do I tell. Why do you need to tell??? All men want is to be trusted, appreciated and admired…and they want you to tell them THAT!

    I believe my body is just an interface with this material world…physical age is irrelevant. It is your energy, your emotional maturity, your soul that is important. I plan on living to 120 anyways, so I’m just starting out in my life… : )

    If you are worried about your age, you need to work on eliminating that insecurity and feeling better about yourself…loving your true self without the label.

    Kristine.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:52pm

  56. 56: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    53 Kristine

    YES you are so right, you just put it into better words than I can!! It’s just on the dating sites you get “lumped” into a certain age group. People tell me all the time I don’t look my age and I am very young at heart and like you if I am asked in real life (not on dating sites) I always say …. a lady never reveals her age…….I have referred to that before on here in other conversations as being like Joan Collins or Zsa Zsa Gabor or all these other ladies who never reveal their age……

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 12:57pm

  57. 57: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Kristine and Daria,

    Kristine, you are right! This is all my stuff – he really has not done anything but tell me what he’s looking for. The funny thing is this is what I’m looking for too, and I’ve never had a man declare what he’s looking for in this way. It’s like I am closer to getting what I want and I feel afraid. My knee-jerk reaction was to give him reasons why he should not be interested in me, instead of feeling uncomfortable and sitting with it.

    Great post Kristine. You have the situation exactly right. He’s a serious catch – oh so poetic . You are right though, don’t pay attention to what men say, pay attention to what they DO. Thank you!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 1:10pm

  58. 58: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi BarbinOz,

    I’ve been lurking on this site for the past few years. I have posted a few times, but usually I’m too busy to post.

    I like to read all the posts and articles at night before going to sleep. Gives me hope and wisdom and happy dreams. I’ve bought several of RR’s programs and have been PRACTICING, PRACTICING, PRACTICING….learning to be a Goddess…a siren!!! Loving every moment of it. All the ups and downs. Doing the work, the practicing, is not easy, let me assure you…but it is worth it!

    Ever since my divorce a few years ago, I started looking for ways to improve myself and learn from my mistakes. I needed to figure out what went wrong. I’ve learned a lot from other sites as well… that teach about getting in touch with your feminine side…that is what it is all about. I’ve always been a type-A, driven, successful, masculine energy person and its been really hard to soften up in my relationships and just let go of control and feel my feelings….and express them…to get in touch with my feminine side.

    I’ve also been encouraging all my girlfriends to follow the RR way too…I’ve seen the results, the improvements in my life…not just in my personal life but strangely in my business life too…I’ve never felt better…more respected as a woman in a man’s world…more successful in business and in love…and doing the RR tools has worked for ALL of my female friends too!

    Pass it on!

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 1:45pm

  59. 59: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – Thank you. I’ve seen this in clips but not the whole thing.
    Why does the kiss on the forehead feel bad to you? Watching it I admit makes me feel like he’s being condescending, but in real life, a kiss on the forehead feels very soothing, relaxing, like I’m cared for in a spe
    cial and tender way.
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 1:46pm

  60. 60: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    RE: #40 – It won’t go into moderation if you say “Sex”. The words you have to watch are f*ck, J*sus, and sometimes website links (not all). I forget what else.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 1:53pm

  61. 61: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and I forgot to answer BarbinOz’s question about my newlywed girlfriend…yes, she started learning and practicing the RR way before she met her husband…and she was ready for him when he showed up! We’ve been a team (with our other girlfriends too)…helping and supporting each other, following the articles and RR emails, and everyone is getting into serious, happy, wonderful, long term relationships with men…it takes patience and hard work…and I’m soooooo close to my own happily ever after too…I can just feel it! In my gizzard!!! LOL : )

    Kristine

    P.S. sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 1:56pm

  62. 62: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the explanations Kristine, I had thought you were a newbie and couldn’t understand why others seem to “get it” so easily whilst I am struggling, it is so very different from anything I ever heard of before, of course it is, that is why it is so hard to do :) I would say I am the drive A type personality too with lots of DOING energy I don’t really know how to just BE. But I am practising all this stuff.

    Had the 1st phone call yesterday from new guy on the paid dating site, I will call him G2, well I was practising not talking so much, now that one is HARD for me as I usually “fill in the blanks” when there are gaps in the conversation, twice he had to say to me “Are you still there?” because I was so quiet, and I felt uncomfortable and kind of rude…….is it normal to feel like that because I am out of my comfort zone?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:04pm

  63. 63: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    And I have on my profile something about being juicy and alive something along those lines anyway and G1 guy had mentioned it in his first email to me, that I seemed so ALIVE, then on the date I was practising the leaning back and letting him lead the conversation stuff and I felt like I was unauthentic…..on my profile I come across as this ALIVE person and yet here am I sitting in a restaurant probably the quietest I have ever been on a date….does that make sense? I just felt like I was saying one thing and doing another…..

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:08pm

  64. 64: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Amy F — It sounds like you’ve got a man on your hands who wants exactly the same thing as you and that’s scary, isn’t it?

    When Blondie and I talked about becoming exclusive, I was hoping he’d bring it up, but once he did, it was a little scary, I have to admit. And it’s been quite an adjustment given how much time and energy fielding emails/winks from prospective dates, but I think the joy I feel when I’m with him outweighs the fear, so I moved forward and threw caution to the wind and so far, things continue to be great — he’s still treating me like a princess and I love it!

    This guy you’re talking to sounds like a real catch, but I can see how you’d feel like you’re being evaluated. But just be in your lovely, feminine self and I bet it will all work out. Let us know how things progress!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:20pm

  65. 65: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz,

    Getting used to the silence…letting the guy lead…was hard for me too. I once went on a coffee date with a “feminine” energy guy, and we both just sat there, staring at each other, in silence…

    I had to bite my tongue! To stop myself from laughing!!! The guy couldn’t come up with a thing to say! He just kept mumbling “well,…. here we are…” He was such a girl!!! I refused to lead him and I never saw him again. I guess he was used to girls taking the lead. He was cute…so I’m sure women throw themselves at him all the time. Who cares what he thinks.

    So then when I went out on a date with my soulmate European guy, WOW what a difference. When I sat in silence…he reached over and rubbed my leg, held my hand, whispered sweet things in my ear….now THAT is a man. I just melted and let him drive. He had lots to talk about…usually about himself, because he was trying to IMPRESS me… that is a real guy. He wanted ME TO PICK HIM! So, I let him lead with the topics and just asked lots of questions and listened, listened, listened…and every now and then I would comment on something I liked about him by saying “I really admire your….{fill in the blanks with a masculine trait, like his courage, ambition, strength, loyalty, integrity, perserverance, etc.}”.

    Wow, did that ever turn him on! That is love to a man’s ears.

    So if you feel uncomfortable with silence, its normal. Just enjoy the scenery and wait. If he doesn’t step up with topics to discuss or questions to ask, he’s not the man for you. Just don’t lead him. Trust him to be a man. If he’s not, good riddance! Go do something Goddessy instead!

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:21pm

  66. 66: George RussellNo Gravatar says:

    I just read one of your articles on how to get a man to love you .The article hit home with a couple things that my spouse and I are going through.I thank you for this article.Although we have been together for 23 yrs all of a sudden some of these problems are now showing up.It seems as thogh she does not want to see eye to eye with me anymore.We have found that the change of life may be to blame for some of these problem areas,so I will continue to support her through these times.Any advisements?Again thank you for the article.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 2:56pm

  67. 67: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ 46: Kristine
    “SLV, my friend met her husband on eHarmony. I would not lie about my age. I’m not young and I keep an open mind…

    Do fun things that you like to do and you will meet men with similar interests! Don’t worry about the dating part or the future. Just enjoy the moment.”

    Kristine, thanks for your response. As you suggested, I’m exploring and “dating myself.” So far I feel embarassed to put my age in writing.

    “Not young” means different things to different people. I’ve heard people describe themselves this way when they hit 39 which seems “young” to me. I find people don’t seem to mind making disparaging marks about age either to me or within earshot.

    @ 48: Daria
    “Rori encourages women to put a lower age on the “automated screening” part, and then their real age on the profile. So that they don’t get screened out.”

    Thanks, Daria. I think that’s what EMK mentioned too. Seems like good strategy. I do not know what “automated screening” is or where to find it. I don’t know what “profile” is either.

    At okcupid I was prompted to input a birth date, so I put one. Can this be changed? I only filled the minimal requests so I could explore the site. I could start over but I think I kind of like the username I chose after going through countless others which were already in use.

    I saw some questions at okcupid on page where I chose username and password. My confusion must look dumb but I believe I’ll eventually find out what those things are if I wander around enough. I’m probably standing on top of them…looking all around…LOL

    It would help if there were instructions and explanations on the site. I have an idea most dating sites are similar and I’ll be all right, with the mechanics that is, if I can “crack the code.”

    Any further instruction on “screening” or other online dating tips or clues etc would be much appreciated.

    Daria: “SLV – those words are not moderated.”

    OK, I’ll try again. I was sending to you, Daria, because you mentioned squirting. I think you and and the other sirens would like the site I posted but it didn’t go through. It’s not a porn site but sexy, gentle, fun-loving and woman-oriented. Here’s the post again ==>

    Hi Daria:

    You might like to check out the web site of Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross at dodson and ross dot com. It’s not a porn site but warning: the discussion is VERY ADULT and plain and down-to-earth images and language are used.

    All of the ideas there are not my own. I take what I need and leave the rest alone; I’m guessing you’ll do the same.

    I love, love, love their series of Friday videos over at Youtube. Their YouTube channel is: http://www.youtube.com/user/carlincherrybomb

    Some of their youtube vids:

    How Big is a Big Penis?
    How to Squirt
    What Does An Orgasm Feel Like?
    Genital Fitness
    The #1 Sex Toy
    My Cl*t is Too Big
    Porn as Sex Ed [their verdict is: don't place too much trust in what you see in porn]

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  68. 68: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    tinque – yes it was the condescending thing! i feel like slapping him!

    – i wonder what it was that triggered us that way? to think it’s condescending? any thoughts?

    i enjoy real life ones that feel good

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:29pm

  69. 69: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – My guess would be years and years, centuries even of women being subjugated, infantalized, possessed. We DO absorb some of this from maybe reading or watching TV, movies, and maybe some of this is even embedded into our DNA.
    So yes it feels good to receive this gesture, but to see it instead brings up all of that other stuff too, and it hurts; it’s infuriating. Thus our reactions.
    ???
    These are my immediate thoughts.
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:35pm

  70. 70: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ #50: BarbinOz
    “…I am 57 and kept getting much older men (late 60′s) on POF as I have obviously been put into the category of over 55′s, like some old age club.”

    Well, dear heart, I suppose that’s how you would describe me, as a leading edge boomer…”like some old age club.”

    BarbinOz: “Why don’t you give Plenty Of Fish a whirl just for a tester, it’s free and they quality of men hasn’t been great for me so far, but at least it will get you into the habit of emailing guys and using the feeling messages.”

    Thanks, I’ll check out POF but okcupid is free also; I might learn on the free ones.

    However, if–as you say–the “quality of men” hasn’t been good, then that’s not a good reason for me to try POF as I will not be seeking sub-par men regardless of my age. Chances are if you’ve not had good results there, I’ll have even less! but I’ll keep POF in mind.

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:43pm

  71. 71: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – I feel really sad, humiliated and icky seeing it.

    I think it’s because it seems he’s holding back love (not kissing her on the lips) and seeming to judge her with that, while performing an outwardly loving action. It seems inauthentic. I feel mistrustful and angry.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 3:59pm

  72. 72: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Daria, I get that too, but I’m trying to look at this as a tutorial.
    Though for woman, after having experienced the seeming ind blowing orgasms she did, most of us would want to be held, loved on in a tender way.
    And it would have felt much better to see that.
    I also would have preferred if he was naked, not that I particularly want to see him naked, but it would feel more like he’s a part of this experience, sharing it with her and not as removed from it as he seems here.
    xxoo

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:10pm

  73. 73: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Brenday
    It was a “remembering” it happened while I was asleep but it actually happened.
    Several of us were sitting around on the front deck one evening …his aunt asked how it was going living together. This convo turned to the fact that I was not flushing the toilet if I used it at night. I explained that it had to do with someone who slept like a cat and complained about the noise.
    This ribbing/complaining went on for a few more minutes. Eventually I said “aren’t you the guy who pissed in the heater by the toile and didnt say anything so that when I turned it on to take a bath, the whole apt smelled like burt piss?”
    Just then his mother leans over to the aunt and says “I told you she was a bitch”
    I love my feelings of wanting to drive to her house to punch her out.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:15pm

  74. 74: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh Jennifer – next time, consider… Ohh that feels really awful to hear… I do Not want to tolerate being talked about that way.. Goodbye. And leave.

    I dud something similar when a friend’s of my mans mom said to him – “I told you not to bring these little goes around” -

    I said what! Ohh I don’t need to use your toilet I am cool! And stormed out…

    The whole family including the mon chased after me to apologize… I went pee in the bushes, and after his mom kept apologizing, I said thank you I appreciate your apology. And that’s it. They were all like fascinated by me.

    I felt so powerful! So glad I did that

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:23pm

  75. 75: DaisyNo Gravatar says:

    That was “these little hoes around”

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:24pm

  76. 76: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, that was PRR….pre rori raye. I just looked at B and said…time to go.
    The other one was his dad.
    WTF was I thinking staying in that toxic stew for so long.
    Maybe I’ll wander into her book store and lambaste her verbally so she can’t do anything to defend herself cause I’m the customer.
    How ya like them appples…ya wanna see bitch? I’ll show you bitch.
    Nah….that’s a waste of my energy.

    Geeze I gots me some pms

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:27pm

  77. 77: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ 53: Kristine
    “I look 15 years younger than my age (especially next to my friends) and I never never lie….nor do I tell…
    If you are worried about your age, you need to work on eliminating that insecurity and feeling better about yourself…loving your true self without the label.”

    It works better when you “look 15 years younger.” Laughing a little at this. I am not a worry; I live within reality which is sort of the Evan Marc Katz position on the dating game in general. I’ll use your good advice and I’m thankful for your support …although I cringe when I read the words “you need to…” and “insecurity.” I don’t have control of others but I’ll see what I can come up with.

    Keep those suggestions coming…

    @58: Brenda

    Thanks for the moderation tips. I’ll use “fiddlesticks.” I like your pic. Sorry about your wardrobe loss. Could you work out a very small wardrobe for yourself? You said you were seeking a weight loss….this might help…really…there’s no longer reason not to lose 20 pounds because of clothing investment. The universe will respond…

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – you are so brave… i want to feel brave enough to lambast people that have lambasted me before…

    i still feel a lil frozen when it comes to taking the initiative to lambast

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:42pm

  79. 79: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    oh, Daria…
    you should try it.
    It’s wicked good fun.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:43pm

  80. 80: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    George, how lovely to have you here…Since I don’t know the specifics, it’s hard for me to help you…but you sound great, and if you keep talking with her – and be FIRM about YOUR needs getting met while you’re very cherishing of her FEELINGS around everything – you should do great! If you want to give us details – I know we’d all love to help you here…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 4:44pm

  81. 81: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi SLV,

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as judgmental. I was only speaking from experience. I am in my 40s and I have had to deal with my own insecurities, where the guys I’m interested in seem to be going after the 20-somethings. I try to think of myself as looking younger and maybe I don’t really, I just feel as if I do : )

    I have learned to simply love myself as I am. There will always be young, beautiful women out there. But I am working on the inner beauty thing…and they say that one’s cells are renewed every three months so the more happy and beautiful thoughts you have about yourself, the more beautiful you become with time as the cells pick up on your thought patterns.

    Funny thing is now I seem to be attracting much younger men…which REALLY challenges my security with myself! Its not about the looks, its the vibe I send out. The confidence, poise, posture…all makes one look younger. I also try to keep smiling…a depressed or angry face makes one look older…when one is feeling feminine, soft and loving, one glows with a youthfulness that men adore.

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 5:19pm

  82. 82: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and SLV, to add to my insecurity, my ex husband told me once on my birthday, how “I’m really not that beautiful, but he still loves me”…at the time I didn’t realize how abusive that statement was. I just grinned and bore it.

    Then after we split, he would date women much younger than me and gloat to me about it…he’s in his 60s!! It made me sick to my stomach.

    So I worked on myself to feel my best, look my best, take care of me, and my health. As a bonus, I have met many men, both older and younger, who tell me how beautiful I am. All women at all ages are beautiful…they have to believe it in themselves. And I have rebuilt my confidence (which used to be so down in the dumpster) to the point where I really don’t care what my ex says anymore…and believe me he keeps trying to get a reaction from me. He can have those 20-somethings. And they are more than welcome to have him!!! What goes around comes around. I believe in karma.

    Kristine

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 5:29pm

  83. 83: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Tinque,

    RE: #68-69 – Just as women have historically been put down, so have blacks. There was a TV show of cops or detectives, I forget which one. In one scene, a white cop was supposed to slap a black cop across the face. The black actor said he would only be a part of the scene if he could slap the white cop right back in the face.

    It felt good to see the equality there. It feels good when a man treats me with honor and love.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 5:57pm

  84. 84: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    RE: #73 – Sorry you were treated like that. I enjoy your sauciness! Fiesty and fiery and passionate!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 6:01pm

  85. 85: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    RE: #77 – Thank you and you’re welcome! My clothing investment has had nothing to do with keeping me big. I have some, or HAD some, smaller sizes I was looking for ward to getting into. And yet I was pushing the size I am in and finding them getting too tight. I overeat for emotional reasons. Tonight I am overeating and I feel frustrated. I am missing Ryan and feeling overwhelmed by my every day life. I want to escape to Siren Island and the blog. It’s all too much for me to handle. I just want to hide.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 6:05pm

  86. 86: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, lost that post.
    Here’s another
    @85: Brenda

    I didn’t mean that you were keeping yourself at same weight. Only that you now have more space for what you really want.

    Also perhaps I was thinking of when I splurged on an expensive coat because I wanted a really nice one but it was two sizes larger than I wanted it to be and I was annoyed because I hadn’t lost weight before the season.

    I used to keep a pair of size 10 jeans in my closet but unlike Oprah I was never able to wear them again. I was glad when I finally gave them away. More room for something better for me.

    I have an idea what you are feeling. I lost a bunch of things when I lost my apartment about ten years ago. It helped me to think of replacing them, a few at a time when I was ready, with things I liked better.

    Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I just go right ahead and have a pint of Haagen Daz and I know I can go back to eating the healthy stuff the next day.

    This is just what I do and not advice. I’m sure someone else will come along with the good advice and tell you not to overeat or feel frustrated. I figure ice cream or a couple of cupcakes won’t kill me. I figure I’ll always have some frustrations now and then.

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 6:47pm

  87. 87: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    Thank you! I feel heard and understood. I guess at moments like this when I feel so vulnerable I think it’s taking care of my emotions to eat. And tomorrow is another day. I am so tempted to contact Ryan right now.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 6:56pm

  88. 88: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — You’ve been doing so well at leaning back with Ryan — keep it up! And just spam here on the blog if you need to to keep yourself distracted. You can do this!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:10pm

  89. 89: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Thanks! I miss him so much! I haven’t seen him since February. He was such a major part of my life after spending almost every evening with him for 10 months. I don’t want to be single anymore. I feel so good around Ryan.

    Thanks again!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:24pm

  90. 90: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Brenda,

    Do whatever helps you get to the next step. Perhaps you could journal instead?

    I’m no help…I’m going to have a cupcake. Maybe two…well they’re little ones…

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:35pm

  91. 91: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I journal here. Thanks!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:37pm

  92. 92: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @81: Kristine
    “I was only speaking from experience. I am in my 40s…”

    I was speaking from experience also. I used to be in my 40s and “looking younger.” Everyone is different–genes, lifestyle and all. It’s possible that today your mother looks the same age as you or, like you, she looks at least 15 years younger, or maybe not, regardless of her character.

    I love me; that’s why I’m here on the blog. I believe you meant to be helpful. I’m looking for things that I can do; any tips you have I take with appreciation.

    I realize you’ve only known what it’s like to be considered either a child or a grown up woman, not something else. Unless they’re celebrities or very beautiful, senior women are sometimes considered “something else” or at least no longer desirable as “women.”

    If you’ve never seen the TV clip where Evan Katz talks about older women dating, take a look. The newscasters, even on camera, don’t even attempt to hide their attitudes as they laugh. It just sort of came out.

    I’ve never thought of myself as a glamorous type but I realize now that I took for granted a youthful beauty. A few weeks ago I unpacked some old photos and found a few of me taken about 35 years ago. I though “Wow” I looked like a movie star…and it is true…I did.

    But now I’m dealing with what is. I guess that’ll be fun too.

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:44pm

  93. 93: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I understand how you’re feeling and I know it’s tempting, but I also remember the dynamic that you describe during your relationship before and it wasn’t a dynamic that will lead to your happy ever after.

    Right now, you’re feeling lonely, down and vulnerable, but don’t let that momentary feeling lead you into sabatoging what seems to be going in a great direction. I know it’s tempting to say that leaning forward “just this once” won’t make or break the relationship, but I would say that things are still too tenuous between you right now for you to take that chance. What do you think?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:48pm

  94. 94: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Thank you! I needed that reminder! I just feel like crying right now. No specific reason. I’m going to bed to snuggle with my three 7 week old kittens and their mommy and my two dogs. Good night!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:53pm

  95. 95: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It seems all the good men are taken, and it seems most of the men on the dating sites are scammers that aren’t real men looking for relationships. I feel discouraged.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:56pm

  96. 96: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    #64 Renee,
    I’m getting exactly what I wanted and it scares me to death. He beat me to the punch with the “speech”. That has never happened to me before. A poetic ex-marine pilot. Oh my, my…
    I will keep you posted. These are early days yet, I’ve experimented enough to express my feelings and continue to CD!
    Thanks for the support. It’s much appreciated!
    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  97. 97: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV and Barb — I say, lie about your age if you feel you can carry it off and tell them the truth on the first date if it appears there will be a 2nd date. Or you could tell the truth later in your profile (your description of yourself, SLV).

    I am in my 40′s as well and am always told I look 8-10 years younger than my age, but that’s partially due to botox and partially due to good genes. In any event, I’ve found that many men are actually willing to consider women who are a few years older, but maybe that’s just my experience. I live in a pretty traditional area, so that’s been surprising to me, but that’s what I’ve found.

    I like EMK’s attitude towards dating as well and I will have to give him partial credit for my being currently involved in a happy relationship with Blondie. I kept limiting myself to a certain kind of man — a kind who kept breaking my heart — when what I really needed to make me happy was another kind of man, the kind I have now who gives and adores and treats me like I’m the prize. That’s what I wish for all everyone here.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  98. 98: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I have met several men who were truly interested in relationships, but it’s taken sifting through a ton of unsuitable men to find them. Be patient and you will too — it can’t be true that all the good men are taken. All the good women aren’t taken because you’re one and you’re available. That means men who are your equivelent are available too…but I feel so strongly about giving men a chance that you’re really so-so about! The date I had w/Blondie where I started to fall for him was the date I almost cancelled because I “just wasn’t feeling it”…but I went anyway and it’s led (so far) to something great.

    But I’ve been dating online for years and it’s taken me forever to “get it”, and, with help from Rori and EMK, I feel like I finally have, but it’s been a loooong process. It’s like learning to ride a bike…you’ll get it and you’ll soar!!!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 8:04pm

  99. 99: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    ty Renee!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 8:13pm

  100. 100: Fancy DesiresNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,

    I have been CDing as you advise and this guy I didn’t like so much at first has stepped up and I now like him. I am planning to continue CDing, but this guy calls and texts me everyday and is really nice to me.

    The thing is, most of our “dates” have been at my house, his house, and just spending time in his car together.

    I have desires to be taken out by a man, to romantic restaurants and dates… He mentioned taking me to a restaurant someday, but hasn’t asked, and we’ve spent time together since.

    I don’t think he has a lot of money or knows much about dating the Rori way. He’s younger than me too, and I am in my late 20′s.

    How do I express to him that I desire formal, romantic dates without being unappreciative of the efforts he makes to see and talk to me now?

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:18pm

  101. 101: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe – I modeled in New York in my early 30′s – I relate to what you’re saying. One of my goals is how to make the “NEXT” thing the big thing for women – so we don’t look back at how we wasted all that beauty. Smile…and just today I read another yahoo article on how we’re supposed to be happier when we’re older – ummm, naaah. I still look younger, but I see people like my neighbor who had surgery and they age 10 years in 3 weeks. So, I think and feel there has to be a “vibe” there – ha! like in your name – where we are simply more us, more authentic, maybe more flirtatious, etc.

    I’ve also known women in their 70′s who don’t want a man – because they feel they’ll end up having to nurse him. So – I believe there’s always going to be someone out there who will want what I have to offer; and maybe I can always have some choice in who I choose to share with – at any age, and any weight, etc.

    I mentioned senior friend finder and someone was like ewwww…but wow, those women look like they’re 30 – still might be a good place for older gentlemen?

    We haven’t really talked but I’ve been reading what you write and wishing you well –

    Best,
    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 9:29pm

  102. 102: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @97-98: Renee

    If I lied about my age, I could carry it off but only if I ADDED about 5 years…hahahaha.

    Renee, I should come sit near you and learn all about online dating, hear your stories, absorb your tips. I bet you could write a book. I will be looking for your posts.

    I’m far beyond 40. I only need ONE man, add three or four or five or six SO-SO other ones for CD. If it takes a few years; I’ll still be happy living anyway.

    I have not been dating at all and now I’m learning dating rituals. I’m still mystified how/why I would send an “I regret no spark get lost” note to a guy after only one or two dates. (Or why he’d do it to me!)

    I’m frugal and wouldn’t want to toss out a perfectly good guy just because I didn’t feel an immediate “spark.” I’m saying that now; maybe in real life, I’d hate to go forward. We’ll see.

    @100: jacqueline
    “…and just today I read another yahoo article on how we’re supposed to be happier when we’re older – ummm, naaah.”

    I believe I AM happier…but then I had an “imaginary relationship” and felt sadness. On the other hand, without that surprise I wouldn’t have started thinking about dating, a life partner, any of that.

    It’s a blessing in disguise I think, with unbelievable and exciting new possibilities in the future even as I’m now recovering from “hormonal sex chemical” poisoning.

    At my age I’m hormonally challenged so I consider the “poisoning” to be a priming of the pump so to speak, fluids flowing through all my body cells revving them up for the main event. The downside is a temporary obsession with a guy who reminds me of a squirrel. Life is funny, isn’t it?

    I’ve become old enough to laugh about these things even as I wipe away a few tears.

    SLV

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:44pm

  103. 103: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 48: Daria and @ 67: SLV
    “Rori encourages women to put a lower age on the “automated screening” part, and then their real age on the profile. So that they don’t get screened out.”

    I feel completely mystified by this idea – it sounds great, but I don’t understand the two places to indicate 2 age groups. The paid site I’m on does automated screening of suggested men, and I can enter an age band there for the men.

    I’m 49, and it says that on my profile. I look and sound (energetically) a lot younger, and in real life, people tend to think I’m anything from late-thirties to mid-forties.

    So far, I’ve entered an age-band for men from 41 – 57. But I’m thinking of lowering the bar to 29 – 57!!! But I can’t see anywhere I could change my own age. And while I feel very attracted, VERY attracted, to the idea of not being screened out, having to confess to being older later on could feel embarrassing, if is was in a scenario with a gorgeous man who, for once, hadn’t lied about his age. Hmmm.

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 10:52pm

  104. 104: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    SLV- I love that! It reminds me of SNL…I’m glad that you’re happier and pumped!! That’s is VERY cool! Imaginary can be good – just like daydreaming. I’m still interested in how we can keep looking forward tho – NOT reminiscing, like still setting goals and accomplishing them. What do you think? In that sense, I am not happier – in my life I am happier – but I like always having that next big adventure to live. If that makes sense.

    Lying about your age – you have to change your birthdate to do it, I did it but only by two years – then pretended I’d written it two years ago. Ha….I read more guys lie online about age than women do. On a lot of sites isn’t there a I’d rather not say or an I’ll tell you later option? And, I am 52…my range was from 36 (under 36 and you get a LOT of players, imo…and they’re kind of immature – but fun, depends on what you want?)… – 62; but for me, 46 was perfect. Older guys were too set in their ways, and their expectations! And they asked if they should take Cialis _ OMGOSH>>>>I hope I NEVER hear that again!!! LOL….

    g’nite everyone – keep dreaming!

    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:01pm

  105. 105: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – perhaps make a new profile, selecting a lower age fir yourself. Then in the descriptions about you, mention your real age, saying you feel young and lovely and didn’t want to get screened out by the “band”

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:34pm

  106. 106: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I like it!! Gets me under the radar and I would still feel authentic. You are full of good ideas!

    Tuesday, 5 October 2010 @ 11:53pm

  107. 107: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Mmmmm now I am in a dilemma, I really don’t like lying but………………..I did…………..sooo do I put in my profile on the paid dating site that “I feel young and lovely” and didn’t want to get screened out with the seniors band? (Sorry SLV no offence intended) and then put my real age or do I scrap this profile and put up a whole new one with my real age on it……..

    Lorelie has me thinking though I have to say MOST of the older men are there MUST be lying about their ages…..cos no way is this one 50 or that one 52…….not unless they have had a hard life!!!

    Oh and SLV I am in Australia with a fraction of the population of the USA, you probably have a lot more chance of meeting a genuine man on there than us poor lot downunder :(

    So far I have been in contact with 5 recently (see past posts) and not one of them has stepped up to even a blimmin’ phone call!!! GO FIGURE as you guys say over there!!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:15am

  108. 108: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear all
    I felt wonderful and elated to read all your comments and suggestions. It truly made me feel hopeful and encouraged. Thanks and big hugs to all of you.
    But blame it on the fact that I am so new to this space and tools, I still have doubts- about what is a viable tool in a particular situation and how to use it etc etc. I am writing down my doubts and confusions. Hope you will tell me more about this.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:17am

  109. 109: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    @Barbinoz: Thanks a lot for the comment. It made me feel good about the fact that I am on the right track.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:19am

  110. 110: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Daisy
    That was a wonderful suggestion. You are right. I do not have to do any explanatory work till he comes to me, or approaches me in a sexual way. Your point about babysteps and missteps is so true. But I feel worried when I think it takes a tremendous amount of self acceptance to start again and learn from a misstep after we have done a horrible misstep. .

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:20am

  111. 111: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee: Thanks. You said “my most important boundaries are formed when I’m reflecting on what has and hasn’t worked in my relationships and figuring out what I want to do about it”. I see your point. But that is precisely what I was asking. I try to create boundaries by reflecting on what has not worked in the relationship. But I end up thinking all the bad experiences I had with him, all the times I belittle myself, all the times I made myself available and the times I threw myself respect away just to be with this man. And I end up feeling bad and bitter. The problem here is that the line between reflecting on a past relationship to set boundaries and feeling bad about a past relationship seems very blurred to me. What do I do about that? Is it natural?
    Also, I can think of boundaries on things which I already felt bad about. But what if he does something or behaves in a totally unexpected way and makes me feel horrible about it?
    Again, should one use feeling message with a man who is insensitive to what I feel? When do we use this tool? When the relationship is still on? Or can I still use it after I have made decisions to drop a man from my life? Is feeling message about telling someone what we feel, how we feel, and what we do/don’t want? Or is it about reassuring ourselves about the same?
    I am sorry about the volley of questions- but I feel so encouraged to practice the suggestions that I feel I should get more clarity
    Hugs
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:21am

  112. 112: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda
    Thanks a lot. It was nice to hear from you.
    Working in the same place, and doing PhD from the same place makes it difficult. This is a very small research institute and is situated far away from the university. Which means I live with a very small community in which all of us know each other. It is not even possible to find someone to talk to who does not have anything to do with him, or who is not his friend. And he is my co-worker and also we are PhD batchmates, part of some committees and research groups and student groups. So there is no way I can get away from the situation.
    And my huge problem is whatever I say or do, no matter what decision I took, he will think that the friendship is on, since we have to meet regularly and talk about work, research and other issues. Yes I understand your point about having nothing to do with him other than a co-worker. But even that seems painful to me at this moment.
    And about feeling messages- I always feel the ‘don’t wants” when he comes near to me and talks to me. For example he if I do not go and talk to him he usually comes to my room in office and will say something or the other. I know this man and this is his way of keeping things smooth. He does not want to address the situation or anything in particular and hence will talk about the life in general and leave. I feel angry when he does that. For example he promises me something, I wait and wait and wait, he doesn’t even call or message or mail. The next day he comes and talks as if nothing happened. How do I use a feeling message in such a situation? Isn’t it better to just shut down ?
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:22am

  113. 113: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – shutting down is what we want to move away from. Use feeling messages with everyone. Babysteps on boundaries – Babysteps is what makes it work.

    And very important: do Not beat yourself up for past or present mistakes. It’s ok to feel awful humiliated angry hopeless… Love those feelings instead of using thoughts to cover them and beat yourself up.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:29am

  114. 114: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and PLEASE somebody give me a feeling message for this guy!!

    Him to me a few nights back

    “Hi J B, Nice to meet you.
    Very interested in your profile and you dont look to bad either.
    Hopefully there might be a spark of interest on your side too and we expore the possibilities.
    I am G from suburb. With any luck I will learn more about you soon”

    I was tired last night and just wrote back:

    “Nice to meet you too :)”

    (see me and my damn niceness and politeness again even when I am not really interested in a man who is shorter than me, but you know I am trying to think outside the square!!)

    Now he has written back this reply this morning and I got a bit pi$$ed off to be honest,

    Hi J B,
    Well at least I got a reply from you, brief as it was.
    I was hoping for a name at least, if not a little bit of information.
    So this time I will be more specific in my line of questions.
    What is your name?
    What suburb do you live in?
    Tell me about a typical week in the life of J B.
    I should expect a few questions back I imagine…..if I get a reply at all.
    Over to you.
    Greg”

    So ladies is this guy a messenger for me? If so, is his message to me that I have to stop being so nice and polite? What do you think?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:32am

  115. 115: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee

    Not sure if you have seen this part of the blog, it seems to be answering the questions you are asking, I am only a relatively newbie myself and am on a steep learning curve:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:52am

  116. 116: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee

    Part of the blog says this REALLY poweful statement, which has really sunken deep into my brain::

    “Now – let’s take this out into all our experience. This is about being so attached to any one man that you cut off the possibilities of other great men finding you. It’s like putting a fence around yourself that’s marked with the man-you’re- zeroed-in-on’s name. It’s like he’s peed on you, and marked you as his territory, and you’re showing his urine stain to the world.

    I know that was a really harsh metaphor – but I want to really drive this home. Even just THINKING about a man is letting him “mark” you – and I don’t want you to do that!”

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:56am

  117. 117: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,
    Thanks for your comment.
    I am talking about him coming to my room in the office. That is something I have no control over. Since we share a common office space he can come to my room and talk. Or just say a “hi” or “How are you” or in his usual line “You look like as if someone just has just beaten you up” or “What is wrong with you? Has someone fought with you?” etc etc. He says that even when there are others around. My problem is that I feel awful hen he makes such comments. He knows perfectly well that it is he who is making me feel dull and upset the whole day. He does not want to address it. Also he wants others to know that there is nothing more than friendship between us. So he uses his usual tricks- like pulling my legs in front of others and making comments about the dress I wear etc. If he does that for other reasons I would not have mind. But he does that only to give others an impression that friendship is on between us. And to continue keeping me as a secret. This is what enrages me- the ways in which he avoids confronting any issue in the relationship but keep the conversation going just to make himself peaceful and happy at the workplace.
    I hope I am making myself clear. This is very subtle. Very subtle. I know this because if I try to talk to him about anything which he has done and which made me upset he says only one thing- “ Please do not waste my time. I am not interested in such cheap relationship issues. Go and read some chick-literature instead”. This is exactly what he has told me on all such occasions.
    What do I do when he talks to me only to keep him happy and not because he wants to talk to me??
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:02am

  118. 118: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    # 25 Nikita,
    Thanks. That is a good way to look at it. It a perfect world I will not do many things I am doing right now.
    You are so right. Now I will make a list of things I will not do if I were in a perfect world. :)
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:09am

  119. 119: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Actually, I dont need a separate list for that. In a perfect world I will not do anything that does not make me feel good and I will not do anything that punishes me. It is the same those two lists :) :)
    Meemee

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:18am

  120. 120: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #65 Kristine

    Now that Euro guy is the kind we all want for ourselves :)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:52am

  121. 121: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #58 Kristine

    Ooops sorry I missed this one of yours………..a couple of years…………sigh………..I was kinda hoping for quicker results LOL!! :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:56am

  122. 122: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @113:BarbinOz,

    I have no experience yet in online dating and I wouldn’t like a string of questions either but that guy’s response doesn’t seem to me to be pi$$y or “pi$$ed off-making.”

    It seems like playing an adult version of that children’s word game:

    My name is Bob and I
    Burn
    Bridges

    My name is Mary and I
    Mix
    Margaritas.

    Could you return a couple lines like that and then ask him a question or two? That’s what I would do…until I learn online dating skills.

    I bet Renee has got better answers for you!

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 3:39am

  123. 123: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #121 SLV

    Well I don’t know what it is about this man but he really triggers something off in me, it seems a little silly after just a few email exchanges I suppose but there you have it………..its what the Sirens call TRIGGERING, it might make YOU and YOU and YOU feel OK but not ME, if that makes sense? Sooo I THINK this is where the feeling messages come into play? God I don’t know if I am getting this right, I am such a newbie, but I have to respond to this man and give him the message of how HE is making ME feel……..maybe he reminds me of my uncaring mother or my selfish b**stard ex husband, it doesn’t matter, HE is triggering something in ME and it is my duty (!!!!) as a Siren to respond, I feel his email to me as being so aggressive that I want to respond like……….DON’T FRIGGIN’ TALK TO ME IN THIS CONDESCENDING TONE………….arrrgghhhh, I could say I am having a PMS day here, but I have had a hysterectomy so no excuses LOL :)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 5:34am

  124. 124: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    #121:BarbinOz
    “…its what the Sirens call TRIGGERING, it might make YOU and YOU and YOU feel OK but not ME, if that makes sense? ”

    Yes, it makes perfect sense. You feel uncomfortable and you don’t like it; am I reading you correctly?

    I agree everyone is different. In my own case I might say that I feel uncomfortable reading an e-mail with so many questions. I don’t know that I must give guys messages that they make me feel a certain way. Hmmm. do they? I think I own my own feelings, good or bad.

    Perhaps I’ll change my opinion as I learn more. “You make me feel bad.” Yes, that could be…but I tend to avoid “you-you” blaming and talk about what I’m feeling. I’ll see what Rori teaches and give it some thought. Practice makes perfect.

    I do know for sure that without knowing a person, seeing them, hearing tone of voice and seeing body language, things get lost in translation over the Internet. I gave you my own translation. Your translation is the one that works for you.

    If this guy reminds you of your husband, that’s a bad sign, isn’t it? Maybe go onto the next guy in the circle and figure out why later…? I’m curious to see what you will do with this or what Rori would advise.

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 7:36am

  125. 125: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Barb,

    If you’re not interested just say so. No need to be “nice” just because you have been trained to be. I’m not saying be nasty, just say something like, “I feel flattered for the interest. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pursue this. Best wishes!”

    What do you think/feel?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:16am

  126. 126: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    When I wake up and realize I didn’t contact Ryan last night, I feel like a recovering alcoholic who wakes up with relief thinking, “Whew, thank God I didn’t have a drink last night! One more clean day in!”

    I have a second chance, and I really want to do what’s best to serve the relationship. I appreciate Rori and all of you to the nth degree!!!! Thank you for your support! This “Island Oasis” may not be perfect, but I am so thankful I am here, and that I have made so many wonderful friends!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:18am

  127. 127: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    114: @BarbinOz

    DON’T LET GO, DON’T RESOLVE, FORGET CLOSURE AND STAY ON YOUR HORSE.

    Thanks for the link. I just read this blog post by Rori. It’s from last year before my time on the threads here.

    m learning to use the “horse image.” A week ago on my first “me date” I put the guy on my horse but left horse at home while I went out by myself.

    No matter, when I returned my horse was still there nibbling the grass in the courtyard. It’s my horse so it doesn’t go anywhere without me!

    Rori’s post here is so powerful. I’m going to re-read it every morning.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:25am

  128. 128: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — I can understand where this guy might be a little frustrated by your brief answer, but I can see where this guy’s email would trigger you as well…instead of coming back with something teasing and fun, he comes back with something that seems a bit demanding and based on your reponse, perhaps you feel he’s invading your boundaries a bit? Are you uncomfortable with the questions he’s asking at this point (some women don’t mind being asked where they live, others would find it invasive this early).

    If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would respons with a pleasant, somewhat playful response and only answer the questions you feel comfortable answering…like the question about a typical week in your life, you could have all kinds of fun with that, “A typical week in my life? Well…let’s see…I typically start the week by slaying a few dragons, cooking a gourmet dragon stew and then sitting on my roof howling at the moon:-). Seriously, though, I usually keep myself busy with things like x, y and z. I feel a little vulnerable sharing a lot about myself up front as I am just really starting this online dating process, so I’m still feeling my way through it at this point.”

    “What about you? How many dragons do you typically slay in a week?:-) Do you like a good bowl of dragon stew at the end of a hard day at work?

    I am interested in finding out more about you…what’s something that I don’t know yet that you’d really like me to know?”

    Yes, part of this reply is a subtle form of explanation, but if he is sensitive at all, letting him know you’re a newbie may cause him to back off a little and treat you more gingerly, which seems like what you’d prefer? In the past, when I came up with playful replies, it seemed to really draw them men in and make them smile when they thought of me, which I enjoyed. I also think that if, after reading your reply, if he’s so obtuse that he hounds you about, “But you didn’t answer my question about where you live! And you barely asked me anything about myself!” that he’s a bozo and not worth your time…then again, a sense of playfulness is very important to me and it may not be to you.

    What do you think? Would you like to give him just one more chance in case he just was having an off moment? You don’t have much to lose by firing off one last email and like Rori says, if you stay open, you may be surprised.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:26am

  129. 129: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — You’re awesome!!! It made me smile when I read your post that you were patting yourself on the back a little for not contacting Ryan last night — you deserve it! I could tell you were feeling lonely and vulnerable last night, but you were a tower of internal strength…it is much like an alcoholic’s “craving” for a drink, and you didn’t take a sip! I hope this doesn’t sound condesceding (cause I don’t mean it to) but I am so proud of you!! When he does contact you again, you can be certain it’s because he wants to hear from you…not for any other reason. And that’s exactly where you want him to be, right? Wanting you, wanting to hear your voice, craving the emotional closeness he has with you.

    Good job, Miss Goddess! You rock!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:34am

  130. 130: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    RE: #127 – I really like the example you gave of being playful with a man! That approach really works, and humor goes a long way with a man! I tend to be too much of a jokester, but I have had men tell me they enjoy me because most of the women they know are too serious.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:45am

  131. 131: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    RE: #128 – Thank you so much! That kind of encouragement motivates me in a very positive way! Yes, it means a lot to me that he wants to be in my life still! I know he doesn’t have many friends, and I believe it means a lot to him that I want to be in his life. Beneath the mental illness, or whatever you want to call it, is a gem of a man! I love to just think about him! We shared so many beautiful, emotionally intimate moments.

    I thought of him, too, when I read Orna’s article, in the part about meshing with his energy. He was very quiet, and I felt so close to him when I laid next to him very quiet. Silence can create rapid, almost instant, intimacy!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:49am

  132. 132: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Fancy – DON’T!!!If he could, this guy would!! That’s why you’re CDing…Instead – YOU find NO COST things to do that are fun – free concerts, walks in the park, dance events…walking and shopping…really – there are lots of things, and don’t SUGGEST doing them, say you’ve really noticed how much fun you’re having “hanging out” with him, and that you’d like to experience going out – that the money isn’t an issue, I like to do “this” – something from your list, what does he think about that? ASk him if he needs your dates to be “dutch” and really share all your feelings about it with him…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 9:22am

  133. 133: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    MeMee — Daria’s right — the point upon reflecting on what hasn’t worked isn’t to beat yourself up, it’s to determine what’s acceptable behavior to YOU in the future. It seems to me the major thing that has you tied up in knots with this guy is that you are having sex with him that is not part of a formal relationship and that he’s keeping the imaginary relationship you have a secret, right?

    So maybe, to you, a boundary might be that you will only have sex with someone you’re involved in an exclusive relationship with? Rori gives us very important guidelines to help us, but she also says that we have to do what feels right to us and I know for me, sex outside of a committed relationship (or at least one that was on the bring of becoming a committed relationship) hurt my soul…it made me feel less than and used, even if I wanted at the time just as badly as he did. But that’s just me — I had determined that I was willing to take the chance on being exclusive with someone despite the dangers because of the security it would provide and I feel very content with my recent decision in that regard.

    For you, it may be that you would be happy with a relationship that was “sexually exclusive” but you kept seeing other men casually (an approach Rori recommends) or, if you don’t have the emotional attachment issues from sex that some of us do, you may feel comfortable seeing/sleeping with several men, but it’s up to you to decide. It just feels to me like you need to put some sexual boundaries in place to protect your heart, but I could be reading the situation incorrectly.

    Sessions with my therapist helped me clarify some of my boundaries…but a talk with a good friend may be able to provide you with the same support (or the ladies here on siren island are happy to help in that regard too). All my therapist did was ask me how I felt about that and ideally, what would I like instead. This helped me come up with my “1 month” rule and it was kind of a relief to have a formal rule in place to adhere to rather than just figuring we’d have sex ‘when the time was right’ cause sometimes it feels right early on, but then I’d usually regret it.

    If you find yourself feeling sad, angry or regretful, just identify those feelings (write them down here if it will help you) and feel them for a while (and if you need to, cry for a while, but melt into them for a time) and they will likely pass…then you’ll feel calmer and maybe more able to focus on jotting down the rules you want to live your life by.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 9:55am

  134. 134: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — I’ve been dating online for a total of about 10 years, so I could probably write a book, lol, but I was soooo bad at it initially, that it’s almost a miracle I had any dates in the beginning (and there weren’t many early on, to tell you the truth).

    Mistakes I made early on were posting old photos (I was struggling with my weight at the time and I posted photos of me 20 lbs lighter and 5 years younger) and starting out by questioning the men to death on what they wanted in a relationship. I totally missed the fun, flirty interplay that I eventually found to be far more effective and, as you know, EMK (whom I really like a lot as well) talks a lot about what’s effective vs ineffective, not right vs wrong. Posting old pics was a big no-no and something I did purely out of insecurity. Even though I lied about my age on my profiles once I passed 40, I felt ok doing it because A. I do actually look younger than my age and B. I always posted recent pics so people could tell what I really looked like. Also, I looked at the age range preference that the men stated in their profiles…if they said they were open to someone my age, I knew it would be ok, but if they were listing 25-35 as their preferred age range, I didn’t pay them much attention unless they were particularly persistent because I figured they would be likely to freak out when I told them I was 4 years older than I listed.

    And btw — I ran into TONS of men who lied about their ages as well and not a one of them was truthful about why! (They all claimed that somehow, Match or eH had ‘messed up’ their ages — yah, right!) At least when I told people, I flat out told them I had told what I considered to be a white lie because everyone told me I looked younger and people assumed that over the age of 40, women were done with their families and not open to having children (I’ve never been married and am open to having children, so I wanted a man who was at least somewhat open to the idea of children).

    Anyway, it was a little awkward w/Blondie when I first told him because this was our 4th date and usually, the subject would have come up prior to that time, so this was kind of late in the game to fess up, imo. At first, he said he felt a little turned off because if I lied about that, what else had I lied about, but then he said he figured it really was a white lie and I didn’t look my age, so he thought it was a turn on that I was aging well, lol. But my take away from this was that I would fess up no later than the first date (that’s when I usually told them the truth) so you’re being open very quickly. For vanity reasons, however, I always waited until we’d met in person so they could see me and judge for themselves whether I looked my age. The other men I told about my age were mostly just surprised because they didn’t think I looked the age I stated, much less my real age, so they weren’t too bent out of shape about it, but that experience w/Blondie taught me a lesson about keeping that secret very long.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 10:14am

  135. 135: GigiNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone bought Orna’s soulmate blueprint?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 10:20am

  136. 136: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I use what I can to get the ole girl moving.

    Get on your horse and ride, baby, ride. Full gallop, with or without jerk on back saddle.

    Dancing at the Movies – Music Video 4:45
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYL3j27sSH8

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 10:35am

  137. 137: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    meemee

    if he says mean things to you that makes you feel bad.. just say, ‘i dont want to listen to this.’ or ‘i feel bad/sad/upset.’ or ‘i want peace.’ then walk away, go speak to a friend or go to the bathroom for 5 mins or go for a quick walk and do heavy breathing exercise, or read a book, or call a friend or family to talk about happy things..

    he KNOWS his behaviour is bad, you dont need to tell him or blame him.. you just need to focus on yourself.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 10:53am

  138. 138: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    nice vid! thanks!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:26am

  139. 139: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Orna and Matthew, I REALLY appreciate this article. I printed it out and refer to it several times a day. I am taking the steps sentence by sentence (literally!), and asking myself “Am I doing what it says here, truly and completely?” and then working through anything I find inside myself that does not line up. Thank you!

    <3
    Lucy

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:46am

  140. 140: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @138: Brenda

    You’re welcome. I’m glad you liked it…and I didn’t get “moderated.” I think the vid is pretty cool too.

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:57am

  141. 141: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My personal feelings and experience on the “lie about your age” issue:

    I don’t do it, and don’t want to.

    I don’t want a man who doesn’t want a woman who is my age. It doesn’t matter that I (according to just about every man who writes me) happen to look younger than my age. There is a certain quality I find in men who are open to women my age that I don’t find in other men — regardless of THEIR age. I love and admire that quality. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly, but it’s a type of strength, maturity, wisdom, and spirituality that I deeply admire.

    I am 48. The two men I have been most attracted to over the past year were, according to their profiles, looking for a woman up to age 58 (for the 45-year-old man), and age 55 (for the 49-year-old man). They are simply smart enough and mature enough to know that many “older” women have a lot to offer. That’s the kind of man I want.

    AND, neither of them lied about their own age, height, etc. Why would they? They are confident and comfortable with who they are — and that’s the kind of man I want.

    I don’t want a man who feels a need to lie, whether it’s about his age or anything else.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:10pm

  142. 142: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — Love, love, love that video! Especially the scenes from Singing in the Rain and the Fred Astaire movies — I’m a fan of the MGM Golden Musical era:)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:13pm

  143. 143: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb, I relate to your reaction to that man’s emails. I feel turned off reading them. To me, he comes across as way too serious and boring. I prefer a man to be fun and playful right off the bat.

    However, as Renee expressed about her past self, it may be that he hasn’t quite gotten the hang of online dating yet — or that he isn’t in that place in his life yet where he feels free and flirty.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  144. 144: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @134: Renee
    “…The other men I told about my age were mostly just surprised because they didn’t think I looked the age I stated, much less my real age, so they weren’t too bent out of shape about it,…”

    I suspect that makes things easier. So far, in the few weeks I’ve been reading dating/relationship sites and now online dating sites…I’m the only person that doesn’t look many years younger. Using those standards, therefore I look years and years older than my chronological age.

    If I meet any dating site guys they will be “bent out of shape” even if I don’t lie so I hope they will not run me off with a shovel or my broomstick if I happen to be riding it at the time.

    My sister tells me that I “must turn back time.” Easy for her to say; she’s a decade younger and wears a size 4. But I suppose anything is possible.

    Thanks, Renee for your input. It’s so kind of you to share and I find your words encouraging. I’ll be taking my time also and having fun along the way.

    Last week I met the new mailman who was nice and flirty and probably “older.” He didn’t waste any time in telling me that he was college-educated and retired from city civil service but had gone back to work again. He was rather tall and good-looking. We had several minutes of conversation but I did not give him the five second eye-gaze; I’m not up to that yet, besides I might have to see him everyday and don’t want to weird him off.

    The next day, another “older” guy made a funny remark about something I said at a take-out restaurant cashier line. Usually I recognize these quips with one cheerful response and go on my merry way but…this time I turned around, physically leaned back a bit, and we began a back and forth exchange of witticisms. By the time my order was ready, he was singing a romantic jazz ballad to me. It was like something out of a Woody Allen movie… Fun.

    I haven’t been “looking” at men in a long time so I don’t know how to judge how old they are. A couple days ago I started looking at guys on OkCupid in order to get a clue.

    Renee, do you think I ought to mentally add five years to these guys’ pics? Add age to pic? Do you know what I mean? Is the pic usually four or five (ten?) years younger? Or are bio ages younger than true ages? I’m trying to learn these things.

    Somewhere–was it here?–someone wrote for guys’ stated details, add 5 years, add 10-20 pounds, subtract 2 inches in height. Is this usually the way it goes?

    I saw one guy’s details on OKCupid that said he was 70, 5’5″ and was only interested in woman between 35-55. He was bald too and very ordinary looking to put it kindly. Was I wrong to snicker?

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:22pm

  145. 145: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #141 – I totally see where you are coming from, and at the same time, I think one of the ladies made a good point in saying when I meet a man in person, he doesn’t automatically know my age…so why not keep it secret? Historically, keeping it secret is a woman’s right! I think until the dating sites have a choice to select, “I’d rather not say”, it is valid to say what you want.

    It is just one more reason why I like to meet men in person…and get carded, like I did Friday night…at age 46!!!! :-)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:23pm

  146. 146: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    RE: #144 – “Was I wrong to snicker?”

    LOL! That’s cute! If he’s 20 years from the age he’s looking for and 20 miles from handsome, then you had every right to snicker! Dare to dream, geezer!

    Mean Bren

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:27pm

  147. 147: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I have no problem with the idea of not stating age at all, as it is of course true that in person we don’t have our ages tattooed on our foreheads.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:40pm

  148. 148: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, everyone! That’s is great Brenda! I feel bad that it is such a struggle for you, tho. Ugh…all this don’t need closure feels so bad to me! I dreamed I was finally having a conversation with my ex last nite, then he turned into my ex husband, anyway, he was diagramming out on a napkin how he’d turned his life right back into what it was before he met me. That is WEIRD – and I don’t think he was telling me that in a good way. And I’m surely not going to call him to find out. smile…

    @ Barb – I think he was defensive because he’s afraid of REJECTION…and your one line response triggered him even farther. He now is saying he wants a conversation – if you don’t then yes – you can say so. Or, maybe you could answer a couple of the questions and see if he STAYS defensive? I think a nice man would ask such questions…one that actually cared what you thought.

    LOL…but then I think outside the box, or text I’m discovering.

    @all – anyone who checked on my post today – thanks! the update made it to where I have to check a box to allow comments, so no one could. Sorry if it was an inconvenience to anyone….

    Hoping everyone has a great great day!

    Jacqueline

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:48pm

  149. 149: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — I saw on the Today Show that the most often lied-about thing on men’s dating profiles was income, followed by height and age (which were virtually tied) and body type was up there too, so apparently, there’s definitely some lying going on out there, but it’s hard to say how much.

    I would guess, based on my experience, that at least half the men I went out with stretched the truth at least a hair when it came to one of those three factors, though obviously, it depended on which issue was important for which guy. The guys who list their heights as over 6 feet seem to have always told the truth about their heights, simply because they knew they already met the “magic threshold” of 6′ tall. The men who listed their heights as 5’9″ or so were usually fibbing, but that was just my experience.

    Overall, I’d say that about half the men I went out with stretched the truth about at least one item (maybe it was claiming to be “athletic and toned” when they hadn’t actually been to the gym in months) or claimed to enjoy the arts but had never actually been to a play. I don’t consider those to be fatal blows, though, so I would be willing to overlook something little like that and I feel like, as Brenda said, it’s always a woman’s perrogative to lie about her age a little.

    Having said that, if you feel like you fully look your age, then I say — own it! Proudly state your age and then you can be sure that men who indicate an interest are actually open to someone who’s your actual age and you don’t have to worry about any secrets getting exposed.

    And if I were looking at that man’s profile that you described, I would have sniggered too — there are a looooot of people (both men and women) who are, to use a football term, “outkicking their coverage” on these sites, wishing for someone who’s basically a 9 or 10 when they themselves are 4′s or 5′s — it’s not going to happen. They’ll be on there for years unless they get real and maybe read a little of EMK’s stuff where he specifically talks about getting real with your expectations.

    You know, I realize you may look back wistfully on a time in your “youth” (a term which is very subjective, of course) when you looked better, but I think it’s healthy that you feel you look your age and aren’t trying to lead anyone to think otherwise. I think you should put on a lovely, feminine outfit and get some professional photos done and post them with your profile and let the chips fall where they may.

    One thing that I do agree with Lucy on is that there ARE men out there who are looking for women of every age and I’m just fortunate that the guy I’m with now was actually open to meeting women who were older (his profile said as much…I’m 2 years older than he) and as I mentioned, I actually looked for men who stated that they were open to meeting women of my real age so I didn’t think they’d freak out when they learned I was really older. You get the benefit of just putting it out there and whoever contacts you will get a 100% real you — you may not get as many replies as someone who lies about their age, but the ones you do get will likely have a more mature/realistic attitude about whom they’re looking for.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 12:48pm

  150. 150: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Too bad they don’t require men to list penis size. :-P

    Mean Bren!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:03pm

  151. 151: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I know, Brenda!!! That’s what I thought when one of the male coaches said women have to include a pic that shows their breasts on their profile!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:05pm

  152. 152: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucille,

    How was your date last night? Did you decide on wearing pants?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:12pm

  153. 153: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, there’s a guy who “winked” at me on match — and I’m trying to figure out how to tell him he doesn’t seem right for me, but that I have a friend who might be a good match (you). Are you on match.com or just pof? If you’re on match I could send you his info and you could check him out….

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:12pm

  154. 154: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #151 – “include a pic that shows their breasts on their profile”

    Ewww! That feels disrespectful! I mean, I was just joking. THAT is something about a man you don’t know when you meet him in person, and it’s possible you don’t know it about a woman, considering there are many ways to mask breast size.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:13pm

  155. 155: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Thank you! No, I am no longer on match. I’m on POF and OKCupid.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:14pm

  156. 156: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies, I have been lying in bed this morning SOOO NOT wanting to do this CD’ing online dating thing, like I am over it already after one date LOL!! I know I don’t HAVE to do it and I have my own free will and all that, but if I don’t I am not going to meet anybody ‘cos I haven’t so far……….does anybody else get like this? I just want to meet one man and live happily ever after……just like the movies :)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:26pm

  157. 157: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    I totally relate, and I am fighting it too. Have you tried Craigslist? Some days I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there and give up. I am forcing myself to do online dating sites and I think part of my motivation in the back of my mind is to prove to everyone that all the men on there are either fake or sex maniacs. I am giving them a chance, but my expectations are not high. I feel like I’m just marking time until Ryan fully comes back into my life. I feel like pitying myself. I feel angry at dating sites and the scammers on there who ruin the experience.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:31pm

  158. 158: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee (post 117) – I feel glad if anything you read on here gives you the feeling that things can change, and I’m so glad you’re here. The sirens on here have helped me so much, especially when I was feeling totally desperate about the ways my husband was subtly, very subtly, making me feel I was sub-standard, all-wrong, unattractive, weird, not-normal, stupid etc etc etc. For a while, I kept on trying to make it work, and it was very painful realising that he wasn’t going to change, even with Rori’s tools. (I’m divorcing him now and I feel FREE already, as if a big weight is lifting from my shoulders.)

    But, can you help me understand a bit more? I feel a bit confused about this: do you want this man out of your life, because he makes you feel so bad and wants to keep you a secret? This is what I thought when I answered your post. Or: are you wanting to make the relationship better, or have him treat you better? (you say, “if I try to talk to him . . ” and that makes me wonder if you still want the relationship). Or is it sometimes one, and sometimes the other, and it feels hard to be clear about what you want? It’s OK to say “I don’t know what I want.” I also feel uncertain about whether you want your colleagues in the office to think you are in a relationship/friendship with him or not. But I might have missed reading some of your posts and part of the story.

    Either way, when he makes these comments, how might you feel if you were able to say “I don’t want to hear words like this!” ? And say it loud enough that the others can hear it as well. From what you have written here, it would be the simple truth. And it’s very different from saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!”

    If he continues, just repeat it again. What would it feel like to say back to him, “I don’t want to waste my time!” Or “I don’t want to waste my time listening to this!” This is more Siren-like than saying to him, “Don’t waste my time!”

    I wonder how you would feel if you tried out “I feel angry hearing these words.”

    None of these examples includes the word “you”, and none of them tells him what to do, which is what Rori advises. Unless you want to add “What do you think?” to him.

    When I have difficult, scary things to say, I find it helps me to practice saying them out loud but on my own – I say them to myself in a mirror, as if I was saying them to him, so that I can feel and believe my truth. I wonder if you might experiment with hearing these words on your lips, on your own, in private. Try saying them very quietly, whispering them to yourself at first, and gradually getting louder to see how they feel. Or you might start finding other things that feel more like your words.

    And please read the threads on this blog about “Toxic Men.” And you can see a few extracts from the Toxic Men programme on YouTube. Could you get hold of Rori’s Toxic Men CD’s? That programme would really give a lot of information about this man you are dealing with here.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:33pm

  159. 159: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I kind of agree with the breast pic….some men are very keen on certain sizes…..some love small…..others really need large……I feel I HAVE to have tall and prefer large hands…..really….I feel grossed out when a man has smaller hands than me….I don’t care how large his prick is. Other women actually like men shorter than them….hard to believe but I’ve met these women and their men….. If I was a man I could see breast size for what it is…. A preference….. My li insists women have it easy because breast size doesn’t matter…..prick size does :) that’s his perspective…. I could see its importance though. I would feel very akward asking and even worse sitting on a date with her and thinking…how do I tell her I need smaller/larger? Breasts? Am I jerk??

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:35pm

  160. 160: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #134 Renee

    Points duly noted on confessing the age thing ASAP, I don’t want to mess up when I find me my own Blondie :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:38pm

  161. 161: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    I think it depends how and when the size of breasts, penises, etc are discussed. I think too early in a relationship it seriously crosses the line of respect. I don’t feel treated like a lady when a man asks me in our first conversation what my bra size is. I feel like I’m being treated like a slut, or like a horse that is for sale.

    If I feel respect from a man, I feel completely different about discussing that stuff. One thing for sure, I want to know his penis size before I get too serious with him. I would go insane if I married a man who couldn’t get it up or couldn’t get it in! :-P

    Breast size matters to most men. And, in fact, some men PREFER them small. So it matters both directions. But I think it doesn’t need to be discussed until I am sexually involved with a man. There are some things that are just rude to talk about unless you are at a deeper level.

    What do you all think/feel?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:43pm

  162. 162: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #136 SLV

    Brilliant video – now I feel like dancing :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:43pm

  163. 163: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yuk – have just checked 4 new contact requests on the online site, and all are from men whose stories are incredibly similar, and yet full of inconsistencies. They are all men who say they are tragically widowed, with an only son, and doing their last tour of duty before retiring from the US military. In one sentence, it’s “I miss my son so much” and then a few sentences later, “I miss seeing my kids and love spending all the time I can with them when I get home.” Notice how they don’t seem to know how many children they have. And they end with something about how they think I could be the one! I’m beginning to spot the scammers and spammers. The messages look like cut-and-paste as well, no evidence they read my profile. Next!!!!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:50pm

  164. 164: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I agree with you 100%. It is because I agree with you that I can also feel sympathetic to a man’s plight dating online. If I include a modest full length or 3/4 picture of me in my profile we never have the discussion about certain assets I may or not have.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:50pm

  165. 165: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – Yes, I did wear pants. :) And I am very glad I did. It just felt like the right thing to wear and I followed my intuition rather than “guidelines” about wearing a dress/skirt to appeal to the man. (Daria, your comments about nakedness, pj’s, stand-out, and whatever you feel like wearing helped me follow my gut. :) )

    And I looked sexy as hell. :D I wore a flowy, sheer, lacy top (tiny floral – purples, pinks, black, with black lace around the chest area), black velvet shoes with an antiqued buckle and bow, dangly butterfly earrings, a renaissance-style black and pink bracelet, smoky eye make-up, and my trouble-maker smile.

    I liked the guy and we had a very pleasant time. He asked me out again and I said yes — although I am 99.9% sure he’s not a good match for me long-term, and maybe not more than one or two more dates.

    We were meeting for drinks at a classy, historic restaurant/bar, but when I got there he said he was hungry — that his stomach didn’t feel quite right and he hadn’t eaten dinner — so did I mind if he ordered food? Of course that was fine with me, and we sat at a high round table beside the bar. I impishly asked him if his stomach felt that way because he was nervous — and he smiled and said, “Probably.”

    I ordered wine, he ordered a specialty salad and a coke. When the waitress brought his salad, she said to me, “Are you sure you don’t want anything?” I told her I already ate dinner, so she asked me, with a glimmer in her eyes, if I wanted to see the dessert menu. I had already finished a glass of wine, so I was feeling pretty free to be my complete self — so I said yes, and then ordered a brownie sundae!

    When she brought my sundae, she asked if I wanted more wine to go with my sundae. I hesitated, then said yes, but that I wanted a glass of water, too (thanks for the water tip, whoever that was awhile ago — Renee or Denise??)

    He talked a LOT — asked a ton of questions, and also told me a lot about himself — all in a light, fun manner. I think I asked him one or two questions about himself. We laughed a lot, and the waitress seemed to enjoy us as well, which is something that I like on a date.

    I did let him give me a little kiss in the parking lot afterwards. It was a very little kiss, with zero sparks for me.

    Oh, and the brownie sundae was absolutely scrumptious! Best I ever had, by far. Lol.

    Funny thing, too, I slept better than usual last night.

    So, overall, I’m glad I went.

    Thanks for asking, Brenda. :)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:55pm

  166. 166: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    “there are a looooot of people (both men and women) who are, to use a football term, “outkicking their coverage” on these sites, wishing for someone who’s basically a 9 or 10 when they themselves are 4′s or 5′s — it’s not going to happen. They’ll be on there for years unless they get real”

    Yes and some of them are still there on this paid dating site I am on with the same picture from when I was last on there about 4 years ago!! At least I have put new pics up! In Australia the term we use is “punching above your weight”.

    I don’t mean to generalise but I think that is true of men that they see themselves differently than we do, like they have a magic man mirror where they think they are still the hottie they were 25 years ago but when we look in the mirror we see all the flaws.

    Maybe they see a much older guy like Michael Douglas with a much younger Katherine Zeta Jones and think they are going to get as lucky too. :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:55pm

  167. 167: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #150 Mean Bren

    Ha ha I just spluttered tea all over my laptop, sooo funny (and so true!) :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 1:57pm

  168. 168: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda

    Speaking of the genitalia thing (no pun intended) I’ve known a couple of minor men in my youth.:shock: One in particular comes to mind; I don’t think he had a clue either, reminds me of that Sex and the City episode. Pity, he was good looking, good family, well-educated preppy, fun but…I’m glad I didn’t marry him. Although if I had loved him, I might have.

    Speaking of Craigs List, I’ve been looking there to see mainly how people my age might word their ads. Someone here said she’d been successful with short ads inviting for walk and maybe coffee (Mary, I think?) I think I could do something like that too…when I’m ready. There’s a Starbucks on every other corner.

    BTW, plenty of photo erections on Craigs List. Ewwwwwwww. And women exposing themselves also. That part makes me feel a little funny about an ad although mine would be NOTHING like that!

    SLV

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:06pm

  169. 169: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda!!!!!! I just read your comment and I feel like I want to shake you! (in LOVE!!) –

    “I think part of my motivation in the back of my mind is to prove to everyone that all the men on there are either fake or sex maniacs.”

    Don’t you think that if that’s what you are trying to prove, then that’s what YOU will FIND???

    Love you!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:07pm

  170. 170: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    RE: #163 – Let me guess, they are international investors or art or gemstone dealers? Been there, done that…got real sarcastic with one the other day. He didn’t write back.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:08pm

  171. 171: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Mean Bren…

    Re:150,

    They’d probably just lie about that too.lol!
    ;)
    Hugs,
    Mean nik

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:09pm

  172. 172: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #157 Brenda

    I don’t think we have Craigslist or OKCupid here in Australia but will check out both later……yes I can relate about just wanting to not bother, maybe thats because it is the easy thing to do….

    #163 Lorelei

    Oh yes you will be able to weed out these scammers at a glance real soon, widowed, serving in the military sometimes in Afghanistan, children, tall, extremely good looking WASP’s but really working out of a call centre in Nigeria, you are the woman of their dreams, darling, angel, sweetheart, honey. I just report them and they are usually gone within the hour, they prey on the vulnerable and needy, in fact there is a webpage devoted to how some women have been ripped off to the tune of thousands of $$$$$$, unbelievable but true. They even have an MO of how they play the game……

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:11pm

  173. 173: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #165 – Go! Sounds like fun! And that in itself was worth it! You did well with your Siren skills!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:11pm

  174. 174: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — Funny you mention that. I actually read a study somewhere that indicated that men tend to over-estimate how good looking they are whereas women tend to underestimate their level of attractiveness, and that seems to be pretty true in my experience.

    One thing I learned early on from the dating sites is that men who specifically describe themselves as good looking are usually not worth my time (especially if they didn’t have pics posted) because they typically have an over-inflated opinion of themselves. I mean, who actually tells people that they’re beautiful/good looking? That’s why you post pictures, to let people decide for themselves.

    The other thing I found when it comes to men and their looks is that men who didn’t have pics posted and promised to send them to me might be ok, but if they ever utter the words “I promise, you won’t be disappointed” you will DEFINATELY be disappointed when you see those pics — it was true 100% of the time for me, lol.

    And you’re right — those same men who are on there from 4 yrs ago will likely be on there 4 yrs from now because they’re probably not taking the time to read people like EMK or work on themselves at all, they just hold onto that fantasy of how great they (used to) look and keep chasing the younger women who are waaaay out of their range.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:12pm

  175. 175: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #169 – LOL! No, I don’t think that’s all I’ll find. I am looking to be surprised. I am keeping those thots in the back of my mind, not acting on them. For me, it is refreshing to hold that crummy attitude rather than keep holding my hope out and having it crushed, over and over.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:13pm

  176. 176: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    There are two Christian conferences I want to go to this month (the same weekend, so I will have to choose one). I would have VERY high hopes of meeting a decent man at one of those!

    I’ve just about given up on online dating.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:14pm

  177. 177: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    RE: #168 – “short ads inviting for walk and maybe coffee”

    I think this is a great idea. Totally takes off the pressure, and to me it is the next best thing to meeting someone in person. It pretty much necessitates a loco, I mean, local person, and no need to be too picky about meeting criteria…it’s just coffee. I really am fed up with the 20 questions game and feeling like a pig up for auction.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:17pm

  178. 178: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    RE: #172 – Craigslist is worldwide! Maybe not well used in every city, but there nonetheless. Sometimes I visit other countries via Craigslist just for fun! Once I got in a funny convo via email with a Hawaiian and he freaked out near the end when I told him I was from PA! He assumed everyone on there was from Hawaii if they were responding to a hawaii ad. LOL!

    Naughty Bren

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  179. 179: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #170 Brenda

    Yes the gemstone dealer how funny!! I got one supposed to live in Australia, different state, then it turned out he “lived” in Paris and owned a jeweller’s shop!! Though I admit to sometimes having played along with them, I think well I KNOW who you are, so I will waste your time so that’s less time you have to sucker some poor woman in, though haven’t seen any so far on my paid dating site but Match.com was rife with them some with gold memberships and all, still I suppose it was an investment………..

    Mean Barb

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:20pm

  180. 180: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #165 Lucy

    Glad the date went well, maybe this will be one of those “surprises” like Blondie was for Renee :)

    How did your RR tools go? Can you give us any specific examples as I am still not sure about how I am “supposed” to act on a date…..

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:21pm

  181. 181: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    RE: #179 – LOL! My friend played one along for WEEKS! They practically got married via email, and she was half falling in love with him, yet all the while knowing he was a fake and was just trying to get her to send money for his “ill daughter”. She just kept being drawn to him, to his fake pictures, his fake promises of love and romance. I warned her from the very beginning.

    It finally wound down when she kept reprimanding him for scamming people, and he finally gave up on getting money out of her.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  182. 182: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    RE: #180 – The way you are supposed to act on a date is lean forward, come with spinach between your teeth, drool on yur lap while he describes his occupation, have your cleavage in full view, with hair coming out from it, and pick up your meat with your hands, tearing generous portions off with your teeth as you lean into him and squeeze his dick!

    Bad Bren

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  183. 183: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    (Knock on wood) — I’ve never really encountered a scammer. It’s quite possible that they are among the emails that I automatically ignore without even giving it a thought.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:27pm

  184. 184: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Barb- and other newbies to online dating, like me – re the guy with the list of questions – yes, yuk, off-putting and feels like a checklist. If you haven’t already answered, no harm in just ignoring his question about which suburb you live in (it’s way too early to give him an idea of your neighbourhood).

    Loved the dragon slaying stuff – sorry, can’t now find the post to credit the siren who suggested it. What about a funny super-woman one – “I jog ten miles before breakfast, negotiate with international terrorists in the morning, help out at a soup kitchen in my lunch hour, trade stocks and shares during the afternoon, and run an after-school art club for street children before catching up with friends over drinks, and finally slipping into something more comfortable in which to rustle up gourmet suppers and/or work on romantic songs for my concert next month.”

    I don’t know – this sounds too long and far too clunky to actually use, but it gets me wanting to be much more playful in my whole approach. There are some very good tips about playful opening lines to use (and boring ones not to use) on a British site called My Single Friend. Hope Rori doesn’t mind me mentioning it. They have un-siren advice for women about being proactive and aggressively pursuing the men, but the help-section tips on sounding fun are great.

    I’m quickly learning that witty and fun early interactions are the way to go – I find them more inviting than serious lists of questions. I had a great opener from a guy who had read my profile where I said (in the fun, pet hate category), that I hated gooseberries. He just began with “Your dislike of gooseberries could be a dealbreaker!!!” I loved it. And sent something witty back about his pet hates. (Haven’t heard any more yet, though). But not all men realise this – didn’t in my earlier first replies and messages. Maybe your man was just being sincere . . . I’m looking forward to combining the sincerity and warmth of the feeling messages with more playfulness and wit. In something I had from Christian Carter (who Rori sometimes refers to and does interviews with) he said that men like women to be playful and even to push it a bit, even seem to go a bit too far . . .

    I’ve had contacts from men who give their age as 49 or 50, but the pictures show men who look like 33-38!! Some of these are the ones I suspect of being spammers/scammers (see above).

    Just for fun, when I’m sure the photo is from the wrong decade, I’ve started replying to them with “Hi – nice to hear from you. You’re looking great for a man of 50!” That way, if somehow they are genuine, it’s a compliment. If they pulling a porky, they might realise I’m onto them . . Another guy, who seemed confused both about which country he lived in, and which country I lived in . . I replied back – ” I feel confused . . are you an international spy?!” This is just for practice, really, because the profiles are a bit dodgy in other ways. I can always delete when I see what they come up with!!

    This feels like fun.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:28pm

  185. 185: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #174 Renee

    “I promise, you won’t be disappointed” you will DEFINATELY be disappointed when you see those pics — it was true 100% of the time for me, lol.

    Oh yes I have been there, went to meet one years ago in my naivety WITHOUT first seeing the pic as he had also promised I wouldn’t be disappointed and how wrong he was LOL!! NEVER again would I do that, I mean I know looks aren’t everything and all that, but come on!!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:28pm

  186. 186: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #182 BRENDA!!!

    You are soo funny this morning (your night) :D

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:31pm

  187. 187: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I love my squeezing his dick feelings ;)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:31pm

  188. 188: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    RE: #184 – I really like the superwoman answer!!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:32pm

  189. 189: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    LOL! Maybe I ought to move to Australia! Then I could at last be a morning person!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  190. 190: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #184 Lorelei

    I can’t believe you don’t like goosegogs!!! How very un British of you LOL!!

    I will check out the site you mentioned tonight and thanks for the answering tips but in the meantime ladies I have to go and get ready for work.

    Every morning I listen to a radio station from the UK, gives weather and traffic reports the lot, and plays the music I love, its called Smooth FM from the North West of England so I can just live in my own little English bubble and pretend I am still living there :)

    Have a great day/night everybody x

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:35pm

  191. 191: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    And I soooo enjoyed writing the list of qualities I want in my soulmate, when he turns up (number 3 in Rori’s post at the top of the thread). I had a long bus journey today, and just quietly did some writing. I felt really moved while I was doing it, and still feel that this is real. I actually cried a bit on the bus, (not sobbing out loud) when I wrote that the bond we will share will mean that we can get lost in conversation and laughter, but say almost as much in a smiling-eyes-glance across a crowded room. It’s about feeling the connection and just enjoying it together. This was missing from my marriage for so long. In fact it was never there, and I tried to compensate in other ways. I love this feeling of being moved. Both in sadness for what I didn’t have, and in recognition that this is what I want, and I won’t settle for not having it in the future.

    Then I started checking which of these qualities I already have, and which I can work on . . hmm, interesting. E.g. I want him to be able to speak and to hear the truth. And one of my things to learn is to be more clear and direct in speaking rather than hiding my truth (feeling messages etc).

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:39pm

  192. 192: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    RE: #191 – Beautiful! That’s what I want, too.

    I value my quiet times when I can process and reflect.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:45pm

  193. 193: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Barb and Brenda.

    Barb, the only tool that I used consciously was the one where you lean back in your chair. I usually DON’T use that one, because in most settings it feels too awkward for me (and unnecessary). But last night, we were side by side, very close, at a round table, and I became aware that at times I was leaning toward the table when it would be more relaxing to lean back into my chair. So whenever I noticed it, I leaned back, and it felt good.

    Also, he did most of the talking, and I allowed him to lead the conversation. I smiled a lot (natural, not forced).

    I mentioned little sensual details that I noticed — such as how I loved the way the menus looked and felt like old books, that the ambience felt good, that my sundae tasted really yummy.

    The main thing was, I FELT good and relaxed and feminine, and “in the moment” ….

    …which actually kind of took me by surprise, because I wasn’t really into going initially. I started to feel better about going when I started getting dressed and realized I looked good in my outfit and was having a great hair day. Lol. Then, while driving there, I listened to WH’s CD!!!! And, someone on here recently said that it’s good to hold on to the GOOD FEELINGS you had with a guy it didn’t work out with because then you will attract those same feelings in a relationship that WILL work out. So, I listened to WH singing and sank into the amazing feelings I felt when I was with him.

    Thus, I arrived at my date all glowy and joyful and girly. :)

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:47pm

  194. 194: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    And while I’m on about online dating stuff, I’m wanting to tweak my profile a little to include something about about the (rather serious) fact that I’m open to personal/spiritual/psychological growth and take my inner world quite seriously . . but haven’t yet found a way to do this this without it sounding really heavy. Any thoughts/feelings? I don’t have to do it, but it is a big part of my life . . .

    My profile is on a site that hides profiles unless you’re signed up to see them so I can’t point you all at it for tweaks.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 2:48pm

  195. 195: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    I like just how you said it!

    I’m open to personal/spiritual/psychological growth and take my inner world quite seriously

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 3:06pm

  196. 196: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    RE: #193 – WOW!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 3:09pm

  197. 197: LolaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m English too but I’ve never heard of goosegogs – are they gooseberries? -I love those. Sorry haven’t had time to read through all posts.

    After 7 days (for those who remember my posts from the other day) the (ex) BF called me – I saw 2 missed calls then picked up the 3rd and he blasted me! He said what games was I playing, why hadn’t he heard from me for a week? that I was supposed to be getting back to him(?) and he was coming to get his stuff as he’d ‘had enough’ then put the phone down on me. What the heck????????

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 4:41pm

  198. 198: LolaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – new kittens? Awwww mine are about 9 months now and it feels like they’ve taken over the house! I’m going to bed now as it’s super late here.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 4:50pm

  199. 199: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Booo……i feel overwhelmed by my apt. I need to clean the cupboards and paint them and the walls too, I need to decorate and un pack and organize….my OCD self is freakin out.
    I’m too tired to do any of this. I feel like crap. I wanna eat junk and lie on the floor.
    boo
    Other guy from judo is flirting with me on FB…I think.
    Judo man is giving me another movie.
    School yard guy just messaged me again.
    He says.
    I was ..but I did loose you number…Im sorry..and was hoping for a second chance…

    please don,t be mad

    cheers
    I feel like…
    Whatever.
    you men are all buzzing around the edges of me…and not seeming to be able or interested in wandering into the centre of me.
    hmmm
    I realized why I wanted to email B.
    He goes back to the course he failed out of last year. He goes back next month
    I know this guy
    He is prolly not sleeping
    He has prolly packed his kit twice now.
    He’s prolly a basket case.
    I know his parents have almost nothing in the way of emotional support. And since the military is not an organization based on the sharing of feelings … he’s got nothing from his buddies either.
    Hmmm……
    This feels interesting to me.
    Why do I want to support this guy? WTF is my problem?
    Is this some habit I cannot break?
    Why would I even consider giving to a man who had so many opportunities in the last year we were together to give to me and did not. Even when I was crying….
    Even when I needed him.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 4:56pm

  200. 200: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lola!

    Yes, they were born August 16th, or 16 August, in your side of the world! :-) There are three…two are going to my friend and her two kids. And I am VERY tempted to keep the third!

    Here is my thought for the day:

    some people feel the rain, others just get wet

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 5:31pm

  201. 201: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    …and how delightfully arrogant of me to think that an email from me would help or be welcome.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 5:58pm

  202. 202: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    school yard guy has sent me three messages begging me for my number.
    PLEASE PLEASE he says
    hmmm
    I don’t feel happy
    my FB status says that I’m going to be home alone this weekend with a vampire movie….he quotes that on the message and begs me to call him again.
    Booo

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 6:33pm

  203. 203: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Where is everyone tonight?? Hey, guess what?! I got a date! I actually met a real human being who is local and decent! Not a scammer, and not a pervert!

    Hawk wants a date for a November wedding, and we are meeting for coffee this Saturday! I talked with him on the phone almost 45 minutes, just letting him guide the conversation, and I felt really comfortable with him! He’s a semi-retired, part time vo tech teacher, and he loves the outdoors.

    I met him through craigslist. I used to do most of my dating thru there, and I finally returned to it. I also got two other responses to my profile that sound very promising! Yay!

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 7:26pm

  204. 204: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    Awww, ain’t ya gonna at least give him a few crumbs? Poor guy. Why don’t you like him?

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 7:28pm

  205. 205: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I am so happy for you about the dates!! Yipppeeee!
    I love your picture by the way. It’s lovely.

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 8:37pm

  206. 206: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – that’s cool about the dates, red flag about November wedding.

    Jennifer – part of the practice is to be warm and open when a guy Does show up – cancelations and stuff happen with dating pretty often

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 9:11pm

  207. 207: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Yay! I’m so happy to hear that you are going through piece by piece. It does work!

    We are complex beings, so we are not wired like a light-switch that you flip and suddenly things are different. It is a process. Stick with it!

    If you desire some additional support, the offer here is a great opportunity for some one-on-one coaching for a steal of a deal! (Well, since you get both Matthew and myself – it’s two-on-one coaching.) ;-)

    Happy to support all the Goddesses here and a shout out of thanks to Rori for all of her support – THANK YOU Rori! <3

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 10:47pm

  208. 208: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Because there’s a lot of posts regarding Leaning Back, I wanted to mention that I still use that a lot in my relationship. Its not something I think about doing, I just do it. . .

    If Matthew and I have a conflict (and yes, we’re human – we do have disagreements), I tend to lean way back. Physically and energetically I give him space.

    I am pleasantly surprised every single time! When I give Matthew space he blossoms into the most amazing man!

    Every time we come out the other side better and stronger with deeper intimacy. It sounds counter-intuitive that to lean back will create deeper intimacy – I assure you it does.

    Just like any new behavior it takes PRACTICE! At some point we reach a point when our old behavior falls away and the new one becomes our new habit.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:02pm

  209. 209: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    Love your new pic! Va-Va-VOOM!

    Orna

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:03pm

  210. 210: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I feel so pissed. I just broke many of Rori’s rules…
    D and I have been good. I felt good tonight when I got a text from him when I was teaching a dance class that said “I love my baby so much!!! You are so beautiful and wonderful and I love the soups you make! Muah!!!” I felt all smily and good and happy. We chatted a bit about our plan this evening – we were gonna see “The Town” cause it’s all about Boston (where he’s moving in February). The plan was for him to come pick me up at 10ish. At 9:55, I spent 5 minutes in the laundry room and when i got back I had 4 missed calls from him and a voicemail. Right when I saw that, there was a knock on the door – it was him, all pouty because he wasn’t able to get ahold of me. I apologized, but I felt a little defensive cause I had only been gone 5 minutes and we didn’t have a precise plan. He said “I just don’t like it when I can’t get ahold of my own girl friend that’s all.” Oh, I hate it when he says that!! But I kept things light and tried to keep things moving, but he felt super heavy and down and I didn’t know why. When we got to the theater he was in a big rush, walking in front of me, in a big hurry to get in on time. I felt annoyed and expressed it a little, but mostly I was keeping it light (although I did keep asking if something was wrong. and he would look at me all severely, but he wouldn’t say anything…ugh I hate whiny poutyness from men. ugh barf). In spite of his big freakin hurry, as soon as the movie started, he excused himself to the bathroom. I felt a little more annoyed cause the were showing big shots of Boston, and after his big rush, he was missing it after all. Then, when he came back, I was immersed in the movie. There were machine guns and lots of action – the whole plot of the movie was being set up. I kept feeling him touching my arm and leg, but I didn’t pay much attention – I though he was trying to soothe me cause of the violence. But NO…apparently he just needed attention because right when key parts of the plot were being established, he let out some whiny sigh and noticeably turned away from me. So I ripped myself from the action of the movie to tend to his emotional state…Me:”Baby, what’s the matter? What is it?” Him: “Nothing. Just trying to give you attention, and you just don’t want any part of it.” And still he’s looking at me all severely – like I’m looking into an endless void of NEED. And I didn’t like it. and I didn’t feel like being all kissy cause I could see the people behind us out of the corner of my eye. But it was clear that I wasn’t going to get out of a kiss without a guilt trip so I gave a kiss and then felt pissed off that I missed a key part of the movie.
    It was a theater where they serve food, and he kept feeding me. And I felt annoyed. Cause he wasn’t even tuned in to when I actually needed anything, he was just demonstrating how effing wonderful he is and it was SO ANNOYING. He excused himself to the bathroom again, still all pouty and down, and I started to wonder if something was going on – like is there some other girl and he’s feeling guilty…I had no idea…(cause he also used the bathroom at my apartment, so I was like WTF) Throughout the movie he kept giving me wussy looks, and I felt mostly concerned, but also turned off. When the movie was over and the credits were rolling, I asked “baby, what is the matter? you have been in a weird mood since you got to my place…” He said “Well, I don’t like it when I can’t get ahold of you.” I said “I don’t like that. I feel like I”m on a leash.” He said “it has nothing to do with a leash, I just don’t like it when you don’t answer your phone.” I continued to feel defensive and then I said “it seems like there’s more to it – did something happen today?” he said “I’ve been thinking all kinds of things all day. I just don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know where we stand.” all emotional and dramatic. I said “I thought we were in a relationship…” Then he said something about how he gave his apartment 90 days notice today and then he’s moving in with his sister. Which PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!! I have said multiple times that I would love it if he moved in with me. So I said “what?? why aren’t you staying with me??” and tears started rolling down my cheeks and I felt so sad and sorta betrayed. and he said (all dramatic) “I would LOVE to stay with you, but I just don’t know where we stand. I’m leaving…I’m LEAVING! And I’ve asked you to come with me, but…” and he actually started to effing CRY. But not like he couldn’t-control-himself-tears…no. Like he was milking-it-for-all-it’s-worth tears. And I felt FURIOUS. I said “I’m not having a stupid conversation like this.” He said “stupid conversation?” I said “No. I’m not gonna listen to you whine.” he said “listen to me whine?” I said “yeah, I can’t stand this kind of drama. I’m not having a conversation like this.” And I got up and I started walking out the door and I gestured to the women’s room and said I’d be right back. When I came out, he said “Why are you all pissy?” I said “I can’t stand drama. It’s not necessary – we can just have a normal conversation.” He said “so you just walk away?” Me: “Yup – I’m not having a conversation like that.” Him: “How??!” Me: “I just did it. STOP putting pressure on me to move to Boston. There is no effing WAY I’m going to give up my life so that I can come there with you just cause you want me to. But MAYBE if you go and you like it and I miss you and I like it, THEN maybe I’ll go. But the more pressure I feel and the more drama there is around it, the less likely I am to agree.” When we got in the care, I was all tight feeling and cross armed. He said “so you’re just going to pout now?” I said “No. I’m pissed. And I don’t want to talk to you in a sh*tty way, so I’m keeping quiet.” Him: “why are you pissed?” Me: “I just feel like all of this pressure for me to go to Boston has nothing to do with any concern for what is good for me or what I might like…” he interrupted to say “of course it does!” Me: “NO IT DOESN’T. It’s about YOUR NEED for a companion when you go. YOUR need for reassurance that I won’t meet someone else. YOUR need for reassurance that I like you enough to go with you. And I find all of that neediness very unattractive. There is NO good reason for me to go right off the bat. It will be JANUARY, it will be cold it will suck and you will be busy. WHY WOULD I GIVE UP MY LIFE TO DO THAT? You may hate it – then you may end up thinking it’s a good thing that I stayed. You made a choice. and I understand how it is good for your career, but you also risked losing everything you have here. Maybe it will work in your favor maybe it won’t, and probably it will be a mix, but you don’t get to drag me along for your convenience. And I understand that I’m risking losing you by letting you go. But as far as I’m concerned, if we’re meant to be we will be, so I’m not going to risk everything I have here in the meantime.” Then we got to my apartment, I kissed him good bye, and I rushed to my computer to vent all of this. to anyone who actually read it, I would love to know your thoughts – I still feel all pissed off and bent out of shape. I can’t quite think straight..

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:35pm

  211. 211: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl – when my cd got all whiny on me a la “u don’t even call me babe or anything” and pressured me for sex. It felt bad. So I stopped and was quiet and said… This feels bad. I’m feeling pressured and I’m feeling distant from you… And I feel unsafe… Not like youre gona Jason me, but emotionally… And u don’t want to feel this way? What do you think we can do?

    I had to have this convo 3 times in like 20 min, cuz at first he was like I dint know what we should do, etc. Then as I kept being silent yet expressing my feelings after listening to him deeply at level 2 , he really heard me and I felt closer and protected.

    I told him I needed to feel safe and protected with a man to open up.

    I think it may help, when feeling annoyed, to think of this man as the all powerful divine masculine and share with him that you feel uncomfortable being approached ‘this’ way, so that he can adjust and better facilitate you .

    Wednesday, 6 October 2010 @ 11:55pm

  212. 212: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee
    #133: You are right. First of all this is an imaginary relationship. Secondly, this is an imaginary relationship which is kept as a secret. That doubles my confusion when it comes to figuring out what exactly was happening. And I got so emotionally involved with this guy once I started sleeping with him. Also I have not even accepted coffee or dinner invites from other men since I was involved with him. I was hoping things will change, he will be nicer to me, he will not drive me away, but I hoped wrong. You are right, it did hurt my soul too. And I felt I am being used, primarily because I had more to offer him other than sex, but I was reduced to sex, a body. I never felt myself.
    I have not been seeing any other man in the last 3 years. Only this guy. I waited and waited and waited till he gave me some time. I pushed all other men away because I wanted to be with this guy. But I cannot even think of having sex with a man with whom I am not emotionally attached. Now I want to stop sleeping with this guy, one, because it hurts me, two, because he hurts me. But the emotional pull towards him remains.
    To top it all, it makes me all the more angry to see that I was nothing to him. I am nothing to him.
    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:00am

  213. 213: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think like, if he were all powerful John Wayne cowboy, and im a soft pretty flowery goddess, would I want to be treated this way? No ? Ok then I will let him know this doesn’t feel good to me – even tho I’m confused exactly what is making me feel that way – and trust that my all powerful man will take care of this and gift me his attention in a diff way ( perhaps he thot the old way was good, but it just doesn’t feel good to me, no judgement)

    This has so gotten me out of judging my man as insecure, etc, and stepping up. He still triggers me, even today, but I am either silent until I identify my feeling and share it in the moment.

    A simple… I don’t want to be treated this way. Is a good start.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:01am

  214. 214: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    #137
    Mai and others,
    Your suggestion is great. But I have a genuine question.

    When a man behaves bad to a woman, does he know that he is behaving bad? Or is he just being himself?

    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:03am

  215. 215: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ex: I don’t like it when I can’t get a hold of you…

    Me: ohh, pause. Silence. Pause.

    That feels a lil weird. I’m feeling blamed… And I don’t like feeling that way.

    Him: what? Im not blaming you, I just like getting a hold of my girlfriend that’s all…

    Me: ohhh … This still feels kinda bad… I feel guilty and I don’t want to feel that way.

    Him: don’t feel that way… Why would you feel guilty babe

    Me: hmm… In feeling a lil confused… I’m not sure why… I guess I was only away from the phone a short time and I don’t want to feel bad about that. What you think?

    Etc…

    Also these talks can always be picked up again… No closure necessary… Nothing needs to be resolved… It’s just sharing

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:07am

  216. 216: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, those are really great ideas. that’s very disciplined of you to stay quiet and express yourself in such a subtly powerful way. Good for you – I feel inspired.
    I realize that when he does behave that way, I think “ok, just like I thought – he’s not the guy for me…” but that isn’t really productive. Controlling the outcome, I suppose.
    Thanks very much for your insight.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:10am

  217. 217: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, you could be a professional Rori Raye counselor…it’d be cool if there was a certification!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:18am

  218. 218: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl – yes! It does feel like discipline and it does feel powerful.. And vulnerable.. Scary.

    It’s taken me a bunch of practice to get to it… But it’s pretty easy now.

    I actualy just had a similar thing happen just now, where he called, and I told him I was sick with a fever.. And he’s like ohh why siding you call me and tell me?

    I felt icky weird and afraid and judgmental, like… Umm I don’t call guys…

    But I didn’t express that and I’m still bothered by it.

    Next time he contacts me, I will see if it’s still bothering me, though I hope not.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:20am

  219. 219: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Typo : he was like.. Why didn’t you call me and tell me

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:21am

  220. 220: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl – thank you! Maybe there will be… We were talking about having a rori raye meetup group

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:22am

  221. 221: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – yes, he knows. According to rori

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:24am

  222. 222: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei, (Post 158)
    Thanks. Let me explain to you what the situation is. I am sleeping with this guy, who is my colleague and fellow PhD scholar for the last almost 3 years. He does not want others to know that he is sleeping with me. He is afraid of what will others think if they come to know about it. If I ever tell anyone about this (he always emphasize this) he says “there is nothing between us” and “I am gone”. When I feel upset and down because of this incredibly secretive nature, I have none to talk to. Also, if I go and tell him that I am feeling pressurized, he thinks that is a stupid emotional issue and he does not want to address that. He postpones me for every single reason- his parents, his job, his research, his friends. The times I felt worst were when I was asked by his friends whether there is anything happening between him and me, and he threatened me saying that if I say yes to them, then he will not talk to me. I don’t like being kept as a secret. His line is very simple “When you are asked about this relationship, save my skin. Save your skin too”.
    He has got lots of women as his friends and some of them constantly ask me (not in a healthy way) what is happening. He says they are just friends and he still wants to sleep with me. But he wont pick my call when he is with them, he will not even let me text him because he says his friends check his inbox. So he comes and sleeps with me when he has time, when he is not with his friends and when he wants it and no matter what I want, no matter how badly I want him with me at times, he does not respond. He does not even acknowledge that is not meeting some of my emotional needs. Even after making me feel horrible for days and weeks, he comes and talks to me as if things are perfect.

    I do I want him completely out of my life. I have told him many a time that I do not want to be treated like this. He never paid attention. I want to get ou of this. But I am afraid. I am in a situation where I see him everyday. I do not want to spend my whole day trying to fight my pull towards him, trying to fight my feelings, trying not to cry etc etc.
    Is there a short cut to drop a man from life? :( :( :(
    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:32am

  223. 223: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei, (Post 158)
    Thanks. Let me explain to you what the situation is. I am sleeping with this guy, who is my colleague and fellow PhD scholar for the last almost 3 years. He does not want others to know that he is sleeping with me. He is afraid of what will others think if they come to know about it. If I ever tell anyone about this (he always emphasize this) he says “there is nothing between us” and “I am gone”. When I feel upset and down because of this incredibly secretive nature, I have none to talk to. Also, if I go and tell him that I am feeling pressurized, he thinks that is a stupid emotional issue and he does not want to address that. He postpones me for every single reason- his parents, his job, his research, his friends. The times I felt worst were when I was asked by his friends whether there is anything happening between him and me, and he threatened me saying that if I say yes to them, then he will not talk to me. I don’t like being kept as a secret. His line is very simple “When you are asked about this relationship, save my skin. Save your skin too”.
    He has got lots of women as his friends and some of them constantly ask me (not in a healthy way) what is happening. He says they are just friends and he still wants to sleep with me. But he wont pick my call when he is with them, he will not even let me text him because he says his friends check his inbox. So he comes and sleeps with me when he has time, when he is not with his friends and when he wants it and no matter what I want, no matter how badly I want him with me at times, he does not respond. He does not even acknowledge that is not meeting some of my emotional needs. Even after making me feel horrible for days and weeks, he comes and talks to me as if things are perfect.

    I do I want him completely out of my life. I have told him many a time that I do not want to be treated like this. He never paid attention. I want to get out of this. But I am afraid. I am in a situation where I see him everyday. I do not want to spend my whole day trying to fight my pull towards him, trying to fight my feelings, trying not to cry etc etc.
    Is there a short cut to drop a man from life? :( :( :(
    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:33am

  224. 224: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,
    Thanks for your earlier comment and this one too. You are right. I should not beat myself up. But that is what I end up doing many a time. Probably because that is east to do????
    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:36am

  225. 225: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee – it is just a habit, when you notice yourself doing it, change course and look for the feelings instead. Intend to do this, and you will … Babysteps

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:52am

  226. 226: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sirens,
    It has been a week since I started talking to you people. It has been great to be here, talk to you about what I feel, how I feel and my issues, confusions and doubts. I got time to think through many issues and take some decisions and decide about the boundaries.
    I have been writing down my feelings. I wrote down several lists of things that make me feel good, sad, bad, things I like to do, things I want in my life etc. I slowly started working towards things that will change my life for better.
    But I have a problem (or is it a problem at all?). I end up thinking a lot about what I will do next time when I see him in office, next time when he comes and talks to me, what I will do or say when he says or does “this” or “that”. I feel the pressure to find answers to everything so that he will not act in an unexpected way and I find myself clueless. I still think about him so much. Not in the way I used to think, but in this different way.
    Is it because I am trying to take huge steps to eradicate him and and the unhappiness he brings, in one shot?
    Or is it natural to end up thinking more about a man once we decide to drop him from our lives?
    How do I tackle this????
    Meemee

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:00am

  227. 227: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee, there are no shortcuts, just the baby steps we suggest to you on here. Do you think you could try any of my ideas in my previous post to you, or any of the other Sirens’ ideas about how to speak to him when he approaches you?

    I’m actually hearing you say two different things, both at the same time! This is OK. We all get into these vicious circles sometimes, when conflicting things both seem true. I hear that sometimes you feel that you do want him out of your life. And sometimes you feel the opposite – that you want to make him understand how he makes you feel, to have him take you seriously and see you as a person, not a plaything. This second thing is like wanting the relationship to continue rather than letting it go.

    If you want him out of your life, you might have to give up on making him understand, or on caring what he thinks about you. And I know how painful that can feel as well.

    In a way, he has told you how to get him out of your life and stop him talking to you- by going public, by refusing to be a secret, by telling people what is going on . . . . . . .

    If he is actually threatening you, or you feel unsafe, please, please tell someone, or several people. Is there a women’s advisor at your university? A counsellor? A female personal tutor or supervisor? The more secret this is, the worse it feels. Breaking the secrecy, at first with people you trust, in confidence, and later with anyone you feel happy to talk to, is one of the things that will give you the strength to get him out of your life. You will be surprised how many people will be on your side, and will help you and support you.

    Men like this can make us feel so confused, and so afraid, and so isolated, and powerless. But they are lying!!!!!!!! It is not true. The longer we keep things secret, the longer we feel confused, afraid, isolated and powerless. Many, if not all of us on this site, have been in this kind of situation at some time.

    I feel sad that you feel so trapped and going round in circles over this, but there are ways out of this.

    Please, please, please consider saving up to buy Rori’s Toxic Men programme, because she talks about how to deal with your EXACT situation there in so much more detail, and so kindly. It would help you know you are not alone in your situation, and Rori has lots of experience in getting free of such situations herself, and in helping other women to break free as well. You can even buy it, listen to it, take notes, and send it back in 30 days for a refund. Rori and her team really honour this commitment. It’s a wonderful system.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:39am

  228. 228: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Memee,

    I think it is very normal to think more about a guy once you decide to drop him. It is our resistance to trying anything new, which keeps us stuck. Old patterns that may have been our heart or head trying to protect us but now are outdated.

    I am currently over-thinking about a situation I had with a guy and I am aware it is taking waaay too much of my energy. However I am not trying to force my mind away from it, rather gently re-focusing as often as I can. I still post questions about it on here and still work through and process my feelings but all the time keeping the emphasis on me and continuing on my path (riding my horse).

    I do feel postitive that I am making persona; progress, and I know I have a siren suport team for days when things are overwhelming!

    :-)

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:15am

  229. 229: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Today I feel positive, warm and hopeful about the future. Actually, more than hopeful as I can feel a subtle shift inside me and I just feel like I will be ok, which I have never REALLY felt in this way before. I may have thought it however today I feel it.

    If my feeling had a colour I guess it would be a yellowy organe with tinges of red. Sometimes tinges of dark red and blue flash through the edges of me, and these are anxieties and fears about he furture, BUT THEY NO LONGER DOMINATE the whole of me.

    Today I feel almost whole within myself and excited.

    I feel positive about my work and ready to put my boy hat on and go out there and earn some money. I can look after myself.

    I feel good about my body that I am on the right track and have the ability to take care of my body and my health.

    About men and dating I feel inquisitive and hopeful/mostly positive, definitely sill with tinges of dark red/blue anxiety, however I know I will keep riding my horse no mater what as I am now my first priority in my dating and romantic life. I no longer wish to get distracted and lost by over-focusing on another person, to me that feels like getting lost in the jugnle and trapped, just away from my path and losing my path.

    For now I am choosing to stay on my path and will aim for this to be my guise in each situation I encounter. I will be flexible and if I lose my path tempararily I will see my horse and quickly get back to my path.

    My path feels like an adventure, and exciting. Sometimes lonely too, however I have good people around me and I appreciate the bows and arrows men send me even if they are not exaclty the arrow I would choose. I feel appreciative.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:24am

  230. 230: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #197 Lola

    Yes sometime I live in my own little English bubble……..

    World English Dictionary
    goosegog or goosegob (ˈɡʊzɡɒɡ)

    — n
    ( Brit ) a dialect or informal word for gooseberry

    [from goose in gooseberry + gog, variant of gob 1 ]

    goosegob or goosegob

    — n

    [from goose in gooseberry + gog, variant of gob 1 ]

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:55am

  231. 231: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #206 Daria

    Why a red flag about the wedding in November, I was just about to book a flight and have my wedding guest hat at hand………:D

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 3:10am

  232. 232: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #206 Daria again…………

    Your reply to Jennifer………..why are we supposed to be warm and invitating and so open to a man that has stood us up? I REALLY don’t get this……shouldn’t we be pissed off what with us being such Sirens and all??

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 3:14am

  233. 233: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    hey Daria…well, he stood me up. I felt invisible and sad and not good.
    I feeling messaged him when he got around to messaging me about it two weeks later.
    Now he’s like begging and stuff…….that feels ewww.
    I want a masculin man who steps up and says…yeah, I messed up. Here’s how I can make it right.
    Not begs.
    I feel really turned of by that.
    I feel like……..oh GAWD…be a man!!!!!
    I would rather stay home alone with my vampire movie and clean my disaster zone than go out with this guy.
    BOOOOOO

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 3:49am

  234. 234: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #216

    NOT………………

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 4:16am

  235. 235: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    @Rori and @Barb

    I’m dying to know the answer to this one also! It’s like a catch-22 I feel confused about.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 4:46am

  236. 236: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Why is a November wedding a red flag? This man sounds totally on the up and up.

    Girl,

    He sounds like a big baby. I mean, he was hung up on you not being by your phone for 5 minutes? That’s ridiculous! My perception is that you tried to cater to him, tried to be kind and understanding, and he STILL continued with his childish sulking. Do you think he’s trying to control you with his emotional displays? If so, that’s not good.

    Of course only you know the subtleties of your relationship. But maybe him moving to Boston will be the best thing for your relationship in the long term. The separation will either make it or break it. Feelings will become clear on both sides.

    Just as a contrast, Kenny calls me just about every day. If I’m not at the phone, next time he calls, he casually asked what happened. I will say whatever it was: I forgot my phone; the battery was dead; I was in the shower, whatever. He just says, “Ok, no problem, I just wondered.” And we move on.

    If I sense someone is trying to be manipulative with emotional outburts or leaving repeatedly, trying to create a drama, I just ignore them. Then later, like after the movie, I ask calmly, “What was going on?” Then if they continue to be manipulative, I do my best to communicate that I will respond better if they just shoot straight with me.

    So what is your next move with him going to be?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 4:51am

  237. 237: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    The fastest way I can think of to get him out of your life is to move. Is that an option? It is really going to be difficult to have him right in front of you, no matter who you are. But after how inconsiderate and insensitive toward you he has been, I really hope you stay steady on getting him out of your life. He sounds VERY toxic. Also, if there is a woman where you live who you feel relatively safe with, I wonder if it would be healthy FOR YOU to confide in her, and to hell with what he thinks about you sharing. Everyone needs someone to talk to. You are most welcome to continue to talk with us here. But I know there is nothing like face-to-face interaction with someone who you know, who knows you.

    Hugs!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 4:54am

  238. 238: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Orna,

    I enjoyed your article, thank you :) I especially like what you said in #1 about loving yourself the way you want to be loved. This feels very in harmony with Rori’s approach of giving to yourself first, and since the world tends to mirror how we treat ourselves, it’s a powerful practice.

    I also agree about the importance of letting go of the past, and I feel curious about your methods for helping clients do this. My experience has been that telling people to let go of the past, doesn’t actually work, as no matter how much they know “intellectually” it’s the right thing to do, there is an energetic bond between them and the past that feels “beyond their control” and will power alone is usually not enough to get them out of the past patterns and pain. This is why I use energy healing, because it *is* powerful enough to release people from their painful past.

    This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with a woman who is going to take my 15-week program. She coaches people around marketing issues, and the gist of her question to me was this:

    “in teaching people linear, logical step-by-step marketing techniques… they then go and implement… and sometimes it doesn’t work. At that point I really don’t have any tools to help them and most of the time I believe it is their own beliefs keeping them from success. I can tell someone EXACTLY how to market, but it won’t work if they don’t believe it will work.”

    She has identified *exactly* the problem I see with a lot of relationship coaching also … giving advice doesn’t help people if it is not congruent with their subconscious beliefs.

    This is what I wrote back to her:

    “oh, yes yes. This is *exactly* what HBR is for … in fact, I developed the system out of my own frustration after I went to one coach after another, and followed their advice but still wasn’t getting the results I wanted.”

    Before I created this method, people would tell me, let go of the past, and of course I tried … and yet I was still carrying so much pain …

    That’s a long-winded way of saying, if you feel like sharing, I am curious how you help people actually let go of the past … I believe this is one of the missing links in relationship and other coaching … and I’d like to see everyone more consciously aware about this issue … I love that you’re doing this as a team with your husband, and I feel curious how you coach together, that’s something I intend to do some day and would love to learn more about …

    If you’d like to share off blog, I’m open to that too. I think you have my email address from some months ago …

    cheers,
    Erika

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 8:35am

  239. 239: Diane and Lewis DenbaumNo Gravatar says:

    Good for you !! We agree wholeheartedly with your 5 points. In our book “Madly In Love Forever, A Guide to True and Lasting Love”, we dedicate a whole chapter to dating. For years we were clueless about relationships. We went through painful divorces. We literally educated ourselves and now we tell our stories and offer advice just like yours. We found each other and now know what it is like to find your soulmate.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 9:43am

  240. 240: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hellooooo? Where is everyone?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 9:51am

  241. 241: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Erika,

    Thank you so much for asking and you are spot on! I agree completely – telling someone to let go of the past is not effective (for the most part). My husband and I utilize the tools of transformation to shift our clients’ stories on the subconscious level.

    We cannot change our past, however, we can change the meaning we give it and our beliefs about ourselves.

    Cutting energetic ties to particular people, healing wounds from the past, claiming the Truth about who we are – these are all possible rather quickly when working with the subconscious as Matthew and I do.

    After an 8-Session coaching package with us one 58 year old woman stated “For the first time in my life I can honestly say I like myself – Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” These are the dramatic results that are possible when working with the subconscious to shift out of an old story and belief into a new one that is chosen with care.

    My husband and I work together on the phone with most clients, and in person with those who are local and desire it. If you would like to discuss this further feel free to email me directly at Orna@CreatingLoveonPurpose.com

    For those of you who have not yet taken advantage of the offer here – you get the eManual – Your Soul Mate Blueprint AND A 30 MINUTE LASER COACHING SESSION with Matthew and I for ONLY $27.00!! Simply enter the promo code – roriraye at checkout.

    I feel compelled to put one of my favorite quotes here:

    You can search the entire universe and not find a single being more worthy of love than you. ~Buddha

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 10:12am

  242. 242: LolaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda
    It’s 7.20 here and always seems like a quiet time on the blog. We are having fish pie for dinner, I’m getting use to not calling, hearing from my now ex BF and trying to the fill the spaces. I keep feeling all sinky in my stomach. I have dropped a dress size in a week : )

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:15am

  243. 243: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Lola)))

    :-(

    I wish I could lose weight when I am upset. I gain instead. Last year I lost 35 lbs while Ryan and I were dating, and then I gained it all back after the relationship crashed.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:21am

  244. 244: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh . . . WH just posted one of his unreleased songs on facebook . . . It is so heartbreakingly beautiful… he wrote it when his ex-wife left him…. wow, he really loved (loves?) her….

    I wonder if it would be okay to post the link here…. Hmm, I posted a link to one of his songs before, didn’t I? So that means people already can find out his real identity…. What do you think?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:34am

  245. 245: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lola and Brenda

    Well it is 5.30am Friday morning here in the land downunder and here I am swimming out to Siren Island :)

    Lola, oh if only I could drop a dress size in 1 week, though not from circumstances like yours, hope you feel good real soon.

    Brenda, do tell about your date, is it this weekend? Is he a local guy and have you heard anymore back from Ryan?

    Well G2 phoned me on Tuesday and said he would call later in the week to make a weekend arrangement, so far he hasn’t, am I supposed to have a cut off time today? You know you left it too late to call so I am booked up for Saturday even if I am not really………..well only for my daughters bf to fix my light fitting and my TV :)

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:36am

  246. 246: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @229: Ella

    What you wrote, me too! Moving right along on my horse…

    @Brenda @Lorelei

    If either of you are “in the house” could you tell me how to code the emoticons. Sweet! I like to use them but my post didn’t take the BBML I input.

    I didn’t see a how to post page here so I’ve been learning by trial-and-error.

    Last night I took myself on a cuddle-up stay at home date and watched “The Bucket List” on DVD. I’m inspired now to make some lists.

    I’m the curious type so today checked Craig’s List Australia after I saw discussion with Brenda and BarbinOz. I don’t know cities in Aistralia so I chose Adelaide. The ads were sparse but Craig’s List is ALL OVER! So BarbinOz, it might work for you.

    I think I can work with some walk-and-coffee ads. I live in a large American city, plenty of ads, plenty of coffee shops–every 5 minutes of walking there’s a coffee shop. Glory Hallelujah!

    SLV

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:44am

  247. 247: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I dunno. I sure would enjoy hearing it!

    Barb,

    thanks! My local date is Hawk, and he’s a 57 yo semi-retired, part time Vo Tech teacher. He has a 3 acre yard that he fills with long grass and food for the wildlife! I think that’s awesome! He has a cabin in the mountains and goes kayaking and fishing. He felt very comfortable on the phone, and I almost forgot the time, I was so enjoying our conversation!

    We are meeting Saturday for coffee, and I am going to be his date to a wedding in November.

    About 5 other men have responded to my profile posting on craigslist. I emailed them my photos after they contacted me, and so far, all 5 of the rest of them didn’t recontact me. I did state “Spirited, Big, Beautiful Woman” in the ad’s headline. So they should know they are contacting a plus size woman. Ugh!

    Last time I heard from Ryan was last Sunday evening by text, and it was positive.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:49am

  248. 248: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    Is G2 a droid? :-)

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  249. 249: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    I feel happy for you about your new CD! If anyone but Rori had suggested proposing to Perfect Man, I would have said noway! If I were you, I’d email Rori and ask her directly. Inquiring Sirens want to know why she suggested that!!!

    I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think you should give him the no girlfriend speech and CD like crazy.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:55am

  250. 250: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda you are sounding so happy and positive it FEELS good to hear you Siren sister :)

    Hawk sounds great though I have no idea what Vo Tech is?? Oooohhh I thought you and he were getting married in November like a joke between you thingy?? I was already to hop on a plane to PA LOL!!

    G2 may well be a droid :) it sounds like Star Wars, just that the last 3 guys who have contacted me all have names beginning with the letter “G” maybe there’s a pattern here and I don’t like to put their full names, maybe protecting the innocent? Hope the next one isn’t called R2D2, I always found him a bit short for me ha ha!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 11:57am

  251. 251: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone –
    Continuing my practical research into online dating could you indulge me, and take a look at the main bit of my online written profile, and any comments especially about how it FEELS, would be much appreciated. There are other sections about travel/pets/funny pet hates/photos/a perfect day etc.

    Under 3 things that are important to me, I list: beauty, joy and deep, loving friendship.

    And 5 word that describe me (selected from their list): empathetic, educated, morally aware, imaginative, reliable.

    I feel worried that it misses out the part of me that loves serious conversation, and is open to /actively pursuing personal/psychological/spiritual growth. Is there one word that covers these three, without sounding heavy?

    So, gulp, feeling rather nervous actually, here it is:

    “I am looking forward to finding a new relationship – where we forget about time when we are together, and where we can share humour and love even just when our eyes meet across the room. I feel insatiably curious about people and life. I’m never bored, and my home-made ice-cream is legendary among my friends and family. As an artist, I love communicating feelings and experiences that can barely be put into words. My students say my teaching is encouraging and inspiring (and surprisingly well organised, for an artist). I’m emerging from a marriage break-up (divorce well under way) with no lingering ties – and sense of humour and optimism intact. You’re more likely to find me walking in the woods, eating with friends, trawling museums and new galleries, and learning Salsa than in pubs, clubs, or climbing Mount Everest. We don’t have to share every last interest! But if you’re funny, handsome, patient, tender, tactile, honest and intellectually curious – you’d be perfect. If you’re not perfect – then we already have lots in common.”

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:02pm

  252. 252: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #245 SLV

    Oh cheers for checking out Craigslist I will have a look tonight, I am in Sydney which is the biggest city so maybe there will be some nice guys on there :) I love that horse thing too even though I have only ever been on one once in my whole life…..good post Ella # 229. And I bet if any of us weren’t on here posting away to each other, we would have done the friendly little text or phone call, then if we had no reply or an answer we didn’t want to hear we would feel soooo bad about ourselves, this way by coming on this blog we get to start feeling better about ourselves and somehow healthier too, so it’s all good.

    Lucy # 243

    Would love to hear the song too, but not sure if its a good idea to post this mans real details……

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:04pm

  253. 253: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #245 SLV

    The only emoticons I know are:

    :)
    :(
    :D

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:05pm

  254. 254: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    Oooh, now I know why Daria said a November wedding was a red flag! I was spacing out how my wording sounded. Hawk’s friend’s daughter is marrying, and he is looking for a date to attend the wedding.

    Vo Tech is vocational technical school. I threw in the abbreviation just to see if you used the same term in Australia! It’s stuff like woodworking, mechanics, car repair, air conditioning and heating, and other trades training.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:14pm

  255. 255: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the feedback Brenda. Yeah- I felt manipulated and I felt FURIOUS. I’m still pissed. I don’t feel like talking to him or seeing him right now. I don’t know what my next move will be.

    BarbinOz: #234 – I’m not sure what you mean….

    Totally random question: did anyone watch Bachelor Pad??

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:15pm

  256. 256: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Lola – hugs!!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:17pm

  257. 257: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    Thanks! I’m trying to keep my chin up. I think I saw R2D2 on the Sydney, Australia section of craigslist! :-)

    Ok, more emoticons: 8 + ) = 8)

    : + – + P = :-P

    How do you bold text?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:18pm

  258. 258: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl,

    Not talking to him right now is probably a good move itself. I haven’t seen Bachelor Pad.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  259. 259: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – I interviewed this really amazing woman who has a diva dating site thing – she talks a LOT about profiles, I never thought it was that big of a deal. The interview will be up tomorrow….I think it will help everyone with a lot of your profile questions. If you want to email me I’ll be happy to give you feedback as well. Houstonrelationshipsurvey@yahoo.com.

    I’m really excited about this woman’s stuff – I’m hearing more and more about blog-zines – like magazines and blogs combined. Really interesting for me.

    AND wow, Rori’s new post is as usual right on and brilliant, huh?

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:21pm

  260. 260: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps – I online dated for 3 years, and my profile seemed to work really well. I think you might want to re-word some of yours, but don’t feel good like disecting it here. LOVE the last sentences…

    xo
    J

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:22pm

  261. 261: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ all – I dated off of CL….and recommend it. Mentioned it a few months ago – but BEWARE!!! really screen the guys from it – not only scammers internationally – shoutout to Brenda! but local guys who might get all weird on you like Lucy’s most recent crazy one. VERY CAREFUL with CL guys – always meet in public, etc!!!

    J

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:24pm

  262. 262: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @252: BarbinOz

    “The only emoticons I know are:”

    Cool. Thanks. But the reason I asked is because I want to know too. LOL

    The emoticons showed up but not your BBML or your instrucions for coding. If you wrote code could you put spaces in between or give the href if you are calling an image? Or explain…

    Triggered but attempting to improve my character.

    I think I’m going to have a real challenge finding that other unicorn. But Trrrryyyyyyiinnnnnggggg.

    SLV

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 12:33pm

  263. 263: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Forgot to write. on the emoticons, leave out the spaces in the code when posting. I just put spaces in for illustrative purpose.

    Have fun…

    On to the next experiment…

    SLV

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:02pm

  264. 264: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #253 Brenda

    Ha ha trying to confuse me!! Sometimes I sit here and thing WTH are they talking about :D

    And I’m sure I do the same for you, hell even half the Aussies can’t understand me sometimes and I have lived here for 28 years!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:06pm

  265. 265: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    THINK not thing……

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:06pm

  266. 266: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #254 Girl

    I think I was just correcting a type but used the wrong # number sorry duh!!

    I wish we could go back and edit our posts once we have sent them, I am such a spelling Nazi – I HATE making spelling errors :evil:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:11pm

  267. 267: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Wooohoooo my emoticon worked, thanks SLV!!!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:12pm

  268. 268: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #250 Lorelei

    Your profile looks really good to me, not sure about saying you are just emerging from a marriage though, it may scare some men off??

    Lizzie does a great profile re-vamp 8+) , she did mine and a few others, maybe she will pop onto this thread later…….

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:15pm

  269. 269: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :=

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:15pm

  270. 270: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :shock:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:16pm

  271. 271: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :evil:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:17pm

  272. 272: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori does a good job putting up with us and all our silliness! :roll

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:17pm

  273. 273: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Grrrr! :roll:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:18pm

  274. 274: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :oops:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:19pm

  275. 275: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :weird:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:20pm

  276. 276: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    I get a kick out of different idioms, etc from one country to the next. What would a Rori emoticon look like? :rori: = leaning back in Rori Raye dance position! :lol:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:23pm

  277. 277: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :feel:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:23pm

  278. 278: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :twisted:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:24pm

  279. 279: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :penis:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:26pm

  280. 280: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    :cat:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:26pm

  281. 281: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Speaking of “Lucy’s recent crazy one”….

    He actually IM’d me last night on pof!

    I was shocked!

    He wrote: Hey.

    I wrote: Hi?

    Yes, with a question mark, lol, because I felt bewildered and uncertain.

    So he says, “Have I chatted with you before?”

    WHAT?????!!!!!!

    I refreshed his memory, and he claimed to have no recollection of the incident at all!!!!

    So he apologized and asked if we could start over!

    And he added, “I’m really easy on the eyes — look at my picture.”

    Lol. And it’s true — he is VERY good-looking (our type, Brenda).

    So he gives me his number and asks me to call him right now “to make up for not calling him last time”!!!!!

    I told him I feel really weird hearing that *I* have something to “make up for”!

    He says, “Just call . . . no drama, please….”

    I skipped a feeling message at that point and said, “Lol! You are the one who created drama!”

    He says, “ENOUGH! Just call me.”

    I say, “I feel scared that you will yell at me again and call me names like you did last time.”

    He says, “HAVEN’T YOU EVER BEEN YELLED AT BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE?????!!!!”

    Wow.

    The whole time, I was actually feeling kind of shaky and scared, like very mild ptsd feelings….

    I would have ignored him from the start — definitely not interested in him after what happened before — but I was very curious about him re-contacting me and the whole thing fascinated me.

    It went on for awhile and ended with him saying, “Well, I tried. I have a clear conscience.”

    I wrote, “Me too. Goodnight.”

    And then I closed the window and signed off.

    It was so weird!! And he kept saying stuff like, “Women on here keep jerking me around. But I won’t hold the bad ones against you.”

    I think he gets easily triggered and THINKS women are jerking him around when they’re not. (He thought I was jerking him around the first time, and I totally was not!)

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:28pm

  282. 282: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – Insecure? Full of himself? Scary.
    xxoo

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:31pm

  283. 283: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque. Yeah, probably both.

    He said, “I only contact exceptionally beautiful women” — and it sounded like entitlement…

    I reminded him that he had called my kids “more baggage than SW airlines” and that it felt really bad. His response was, “I LOVE kids! I have a 20 year old son!”

    I said “I feel unheard.”

    He said, “Welcome to my world! LOL!”

    Everything was about him.

    This morning, though, I woke up feeling a bit of compassion for him because he is probably driving away every woman he talks to, and doesn’t realize why . . . Poor guy. ?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:41pm

  284. 284: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, he sounds like the school yard bully. :evil:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  285. 285: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    It’s good you honored your feelings of creepiness and didn’t call him just because he pressured you. He didn’t deserve you to call.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:51pm

  286. 286: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    It’s fine to feel compassion for him, but he is Toxic times ten! Let him find a relationship coach!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:52pm

  287. 287: joanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, et. al.

    You have to use HTML here, not BBcode. So far, the only text formatting codes that I have found to work are:

    bold

    italics

    bold_italics

    I believe Daria also used “strike through” in one of her posts:
    strike_through (testing)

    The short instructions are this:

    bold
    italics
    bold_italics
    strike_through

    When typing the above, remove all the spaces between letters and symbols.

    I don’t know how it works on a Mac, but if you have Internet Explorer, you can do the following to see how these HTML codes would actually appear when you are typing:

    From your menu toolbar, select “View”. From that drop-down menu, select “Source”. You will get a pop-up screen showing the HTML source code.

    From that pop-up screen’s menu, select “Edit”. From that drop-down menu, select “Find”. A new pop-up box will appear. Type the word italics in the space provided and click “Find Next” to bring you to this post. Click “Cancel” to end the find operation.

    Use your cursor keys to move around in the post to see how the coding appears around the words that have been formatted in this post. Close the box when you’ve finished.

    ************
    Since we don’t have a “Preview Post” option, I’m crossing my fingers and holding my breath that everything comes out as I intended.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:57pm

  288. 288: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “I only contact exceptionally beautiful women”
    what a dick. sorry this feels beyond icky to me.
    xxoo

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 1:59pm

  289. 289: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Yup, that’s what I was afraid of … leaving the spaces did not interrupt the code. So, apparently, you will have to view the source code to see what it actually looks like when you type it.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:00pm

  290. 290: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque! Lol! That’s the “meanest” I’ve ever heard you be! (But I completely agree with you!!) :)

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:03pm

  291. 291: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    @258 – Jacqueline and @269 – Barb –

    Hi dears, thanks for your ideas. J – I’ve sent you an email.

    All feedback is very welcome, and fresh eyes are great.

    Barb- I read somewhere recently that to put a relationship status as “separated” can be misunderstood, online. To some people it means “not happy in marriage and looking for a fling and/or a rebound relationship.” I was trying for a way of making my situation clearer. But I hear you – it could also be off-putting. Trying to find a way to indicate that I’m, oh, feeling in a surprisingly strong and confident place even though the divorce is not yet finalised. . .

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:06pm

  292. 292: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    @258 – Jacqueline and @269 – Barb –

    Hi dears, thanks for your ideas. J – I’ve sent you an email.

    All feedback is very welcome, and fresh eyes are great.

    Barb- I read somewhere recently that to put a relationship status as “separated” can be misunderstood, online. To some people it means “not happy in marriage and looking for a fling and/or a rebound relationship.” I was trying for a way of making my situation clearer. But I hear you – it could also be off-putting. Trying to find a way to indicate that I’m, oh, feeling in a surprisingly strong and confident place even though the divorce is not yet finalised. . .

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:06pm

  293. 293: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque takes care of us Sirens! :lol:

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:07pm

  294. 294: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #293 Lorelei

    You could put single, as strictly speaking you now are….

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:09pm

  295. 295: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I called Kenny “Penis” on the phone today. But I thot that doesn’t make a very good nickname, so I called him “Stroganoff” instead. :-P

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:10pm

  296. 296: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I don’t feel sorry for the recent crazy one . . more just a recognition and acceptance of where he is at. I always used to feel compassion for toxic people, and give them the benefit of the the doubt, and understand . . but more times than I want to remember, both with friends, boyfriends and nearly ex-husband, it harmed me, because I was signing up to be used and criticised by people who only take. Feeling sad for such people lures me back in.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:13pm

  297. 297: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    I seem to have got through to a new place recently. And I think it’s down to doing Rori’s tools and some kind of new energy in me about my own boundaries. I am just much clearer, intuitively, about whether I basically like someone or just don’t like them.

    Maybe I should put it that with some people (men AND women) I am just aware that I feel relaxed, safe, accepted, normal, able to be myself. And with others I feel on edge, maybe only a little, but tense, wary, subtly pressured to provide something, or to be inauthentic . . This is more what I mean by ‘not liking’ someone.

    And I seem to have subliminally given myself permission to spend lots of time with the people who make me feel good. And to not spend any time with people who don’t make me feel good, or make me feel edgy, or “wrong” ( not OK ) somehow. Maybe this is part of my online dating screening filters.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:21pm

  298. 298: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #297 Lorelei

    I agree, I feel no sympathy for this bullying man, and Lucy you mention how good looking he is and how he brought your attention to his looks too:

    “I’m really easy on the eyes — look at my picture”

    Well Mister you may be good looking on the outside but inside you are ugly and mean.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:22pm

  299. 299: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    and a dick…
    xxoo

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  300. 300: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei, thanks for your comment. There is absolutely zero chance of this guy luring me in — he repels me, really. I feel compassion for him as a human being, but I do not feel any need or desire to be in any kind of relationship with him or even talk to him again.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  301. 301: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque…love it!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:24pm

  302. 302: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Arrogance such as this is fear. And yes it’s sad, but it’s not our job to fix people such as this. But you know that already, Lucy.
    xxoo

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:25pm

  303. 303: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – I think your profile is great including and especially the divorced part , I think everything you wanted to say comes through, it seems like you def enjoy serious convo and are open to growth.

    It feels very inviting and goddess to me

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  304. 304: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol. For his punishment, I’ll banish him to Siren Island where the Siren sisters will give him his due!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  305. 305: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Lucy, I suppose I want a strong compassion (for myself) that doesn’t over-function, not a weaker or more sentimental version that over-functions. Really, compassion is the first one, but I’ve been very muddled in the past!!!

    Funny, isn’t it, how a dick-vibe reveals itself even in emails!!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:29pm

  306. 306: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy -Yeah – he could be made to have to stare at “exceptionally beautiful women,” (beautiful inside and out) through a glass screen, and be unable to contact them by email or any other way. Evil smile emoticon!!! Only joking. But this is a little bit of getting in touch with my dark shadow side, to be more powerful, and overcome my pathalogical niceness!!!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:33pm

  307. 307: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Oooooh, thanks Daria. Very interesting . .

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:35pm

  308. 308: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei and everyone – just to clarify I’m only a blogger, and sometimes advicer (advice columnista…grin). Not a coach – lots of us are bloggers; you just click on someone’s name and it will take you to their site.

    @ Joan – that’s pretty brilliant, actually. I vote for no spell check and/or ability to correct – well, not really considering my recent malfunctions, but I do like to feel more relaxed here and not needing to be perfect. So a preview would be cool, I could then be myself and look perfect on the outside. But when I make mistakes I really appreciate it when someone tells me! Not just spelling – yesterday my blog format changed and it wouldn’t allow comments, and until someone told me I had no idea! So, I appreciate you all – especially when you care enough to tell me these things!! Hugs…

    LOL…I’m off for now, take care everyone!

    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:36pm

  309. 309: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh and Lucy! That is sad for the guy – and good for you, strong boundaries. Yep, CL has lots of guys with issues or looking for quick sex – I always read them mostly for entertainment purposes only. And I still got lots of dates from it – the sheer volume of it in a big city is amazing – 200-300 posts a day. Maybe 10 real ones, out of all that, though.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:38pm

  310. 310: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – thanks . . I wondered about single, as I am feeling very single emotionally and in my energy. Funnily enough, even before I recognised the pain of a marriage that was on life-support, I noticed a weird sense of being free and single. I noticed my libido perking up, and I noticed men again. . .

    But . . . I’m not technically single, not legally. It’ll be 6-8 months before I am divorced. . .

    But it’s a very interesting idea . . and might attract more men who, when they contact me and eventually arrange dates with me (lol) will realise that I am an amazing, warm lovely Siren, who is emerging from marriage break-up with sense of humour and optimism intact etc etc. I feel quite attracted to using this idea. . . but it might feel a bit inauthentic.

    Hmmmm, wondering noises . . .

    So, what do separated Sirens put on dating websites as their relationship status?

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:42pm

  311. 311: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Aha – found your blog, Jacqueline. Thanks for the tip about clicking on your name.

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:44pm

  312. 312: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    If I were you, I’d put single or divorced. You can explain your status when the time is right. And it is just a matter of time. Celebrate YOU!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 2:59pm

  313. 313: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Just feel moved to share, before I go to bed, that I am in such a different place to where I was when I first found this site and started trying out the tools. I was in pieces, agonising about how to keep a failing marriage going, and the pain of that was so much worse than the painful-relieved-clarity that came once I let myself say that I couldn’t stand it any longer.

    I didn’t post much during the actual breakdown for various reasons, including not having easy internet access then. But it was the compassion and understanding and encouragement and affirmation from many of you Sirens that (along with great support from a very dear friend, and my family) that helped me get to where I am now.

    I still feel very sad sometimes, for the good bits of my marriage that are no more. But I am so full of gratitude that the decision, when it came, became very clear very quickly. I’m VERY lucky that I’ve never had a moment’s doubt about what I’m doing. Someone said to me that it was brave. It isn’t brave. It’s just like getting out of a burning building. And away from a man who thinks I am mad, and has written to all my family to tell them so, or who tried to convince me I had autism and hence difficulty with staying married, by taking me to see films about autism. He thinks it is all my fault. But at least he won’t contest the divorce. I just need a psychic hose down occasionally, to wash off my remaining feelings of yukky contamination. It felt like a horrible sticky residue somehow. It has already reduced a lot. But Orna’s post above reminds me of something -tomorrow I’m going to do a visualisation of cutting myself off from his energy. I know it’s helped me in the past, just hadn’t remembered to do it with my husband.

    It was finding out about Rori’s tools that helped me know that not only could I leave, but that I would survive and have huge hope for my new start and my new life, feeling strong, and positive, and full of energy, and with new tools for relating to men.

    I feel so full of gratitude, and I love you Sirens. You’re all brilliant!!!!

    Bye for now xxx

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 3:01pm

  314. 314: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    Yayyyyy! You are free! You are who you were intended to be! Fly free from the cage…you have no limits!

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 6:10pm

  315. 315: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, everyone!! Just a big shoutout to Joan here – and all the girls who read a lot and don’t necessarily join the conversation. I feel happy to think that you get something good from being here, and sad if you don’t find what you’re looking for. For me, every voice is irreplaceable….so if you want to join in, whenever, do….and when you go….I wonder about you –

    like Allison??

    Best,
    Jacqueline

    Thursday, 7 October 2010 @ 6:26pm

  316. 316: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Dearie me, Dearie me, Craigslist ain’t the place for me here in Sydney, full of hot and “horny” 30′ish blokes and 50 somethings looking for 3′somes………I think not………..don’t these men know I am a Goddess/Diva/Siren LOL! And oh why so many dick pics to all and sundry?

    I don’t think this is the kind of man I am seeking at all…………..

    Seeking a girl 30 to 50 who’s lifestyle choice embraces service oriented, traditional Male/female roles. Dom/sub, ultimately Master/collared slave, centred on developing her full feminine potential to please, serve and nurture her one.. None more so then inducing her natural born gift to lactate at will, being the sensual and bonding element to the lifestyle, Her absolute “Value” of true submission and devotion.
    Vanilla not doing it for you?? Then an alternative lifestyle is only a choice away..

    Safe sane consensual, expected,, and assured.

    Type (( Milkmaiden )) in the subject line of your reply to show your genuine

    LACTATE AT WILL HA HA !!!

    Friday, 8 October 2010 @ 2:48am

  317. 317: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    MILKMAIDEN??? God I am still laughing ha ha ha!!

    Friday, 8 October 2010 @ 2:51am

  318. 318: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I feel I am a thread killer :(

    Saturday, 9 October 2010 @ 2:01am

  319. 319: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb re#318 – OMG, is that real!
    Wow, if he is being serious that makes me feel icky! Does he want a woman or a slave?

    Saturday, 9 October 2010 @ 3:32pm

  320. 320: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #321 Ella

    Yes these men are for real can you believe it!! I only had a quick shuftie on that site, it was like a porn site, I too felt really icky, I only read about 3 messages from men my age group, that was enough for me!!

    Saturday, 9 October 2010 @ 3:49pm

  321. 321: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Barb- @ #318 – BLIMEY!!!!!!!! STREUTH!!!!! I don’t think I’ll be bothering with Craiglist, somehow.

    Just had a phone call from someone on the online site – have had a few good and amusing emails, but his voice was off-putting on the phone . . . and it was very hard to stay in feeling messages.

    I find it so hard to stay in my feelings in these conversations. My feelings about exactly what is happening here and now in the conversation. There was a bit of a yuk factor creeping in somehow, but I just continued with the conversation. He said he’d be in touch, I said “That would be nice” cos I wasn’t feeling the yuk factor fully, then he said “Good luck” (which is more what people say when they’re not going to call again) and oh. Once again, I was shutting down my feelings and keeping a conversation going in other ways. Just have to keep practicing.

    Sunday, 10 October 2010 @ 7:50am

  322. 322: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #323 Lorelei

    Yes it’s all about the practise…..what a strange ending to the convo…good luck!! Maybe he was just nervous and came out with something silly, we (I) forget that men can get nervous too. It’s hard to stop from keeping the convo going when you are sooo used to doing that, I feel REALLY uncomfortable with the silences but I will get there in the end :D I mean there is no turning back now from the RR way is there? Baby steps…….

    Did you see my post to you about the dancing?

    Sunday, 10 October 2010 @ 2:27pm

  323. 323: crystalNo Gravatar says:

    Hi –
    I posted this on the other topic, but it looks like “he flamed out” isn’t the right place. sorry if this is a duplicate – i’m kind of new to the RR site.

    There’s this guy I really like…Mr Immigration. We’ve hung out a few times and since then he has asked me out many times over the summer, to which I had to say no due to being out of town. We had 2 more scheduled dates that he had to cancel due to sudden work travel. He sent me many texts about how he couldn’t wait to see me, and is very interested in seeing me if i can handle is ever changing work schedule.

    A 3rd time he asked me again and said he was coming to my town. He lives 3 hrs away. So seeing that it was going to be a Friday and he would have a 3 hr drive after working all day, I invited him to come for dinner. At 5pm that Friday, he texted me that he wouldn’t arrive until 11-11:30pm, and asked if we could just do it the next evening, after the baseball game? Well, “after the baseball game” made me feel upset and I didn’t like feeling like his last priority so I responded and said “Oh. That’s too bad. I already have plans for tomorrow night. Maybe next time.”

    So my question is, what (if anything) do I do now? I can handle his work schedule but don’t want to be someone’s last priority.

    Update – he sent me a message tonight saying he misses me. I feel happy to hear from him and don’t want to screw up this “do over”.

    I’m tired of texting and emailing; and I don’t want to feel unimportant to someone. Don’t want to continue if not going to see each other. He comes up here alot on weekends as this is his hometown and he’s trying to get transferred back with his job.

    Any advice would be welcome!

    Sunday, 10 October 2010 @ 9:24pm

  324. 324: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #325 Crystal

    This thread seems to have died out, just copy and paste it and post to the latest thread, took me a while to get the hang of Rori’s site……….good luck :)

    Monday, 11 October 2010 @ 7:42am

  325. 325: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Crystal,

    There is your feeling message, right at the end of your post:

    “I’m tired of texting and emailing; and I don’t want to feel unimportant to someone. I don’t want to continue if we’re not going to see each other. What do you think?”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:15am

  326. 326: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Talked to a new guy on the phone for the first time from eHarmony for 2 1/2 hours last night. I tried using the feelings statements but am a little confused about how to get those in there all the the time and stay with the flow of the convo. I usually just go with the flow. The point isn’t to get as many feeling statements out there as possible, is it? Is it more about staying in touch with my own feelings and expressing them when it feels appropriate? I’m so confused!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:21am

  327. 327: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — This may be different from what some other sirens would say, but no, I don’t feel that throwing out as many feeling statements as humanly possible is conducive to a normal, flowing conversation. Staying in touch with your feelings and being in receptive, feminine mode is the imporant thing.

    I’m not a pro at this by any means, but it seems to me that feeling messages are particularly helpful when there’s a disagreement of some kind and want, don’t want statements are helpful as a form of stating your boundaries. Rori says you can’t say “yes” to the right thing until you’ve learned to say “no” to the wrong things and I believe there’s a lot of truth in that.

    As I said, I’m not a pro at this, but my online phone calls lead to them asking me for a date probably 80% of the time and my first dates lead to them wanting second dates the vast majority of the time, so I think I’m doing ok with the “getting” a date and “starting” the dating process…where I get messed up is when I start having feelings for a guy…

    But it sounds like things went well if you chatted for 2.5 hours for your first phone call. How do you feel it went?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:31am

  328. 328: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    The phone call went great. But I’m a lot like you…find great guys who are interested is NOT the problem. I could go out with someone good every night of the week if I had time. I also get messed up when I start getting emotionally invested in a guy. I finished the Siren videos last night, and honestly, did not find them all that helpful except for the role plays at the end in expressing the feelings messages. I’m wondering if another series would be more beneficial. I totally overfunction and try to control things once I’m into a guy.

    What you said here helps me a lot. I know I get out of touch with myself and over focused on what my partner needs once I’m “hooked”.

    The guy last night is interested, however, he lives a good hour away. I did not try to convince him to meet. I only said that, yes, it was a long distance, and I would not be interested in going that far for someone I was marginally interested in, but it would be workable to me for the right person. He can take it from there. If he’s interested, fine. If not, there are a million other guys.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:02am

  329. 329: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — Sounds like we suffer from the same affliction, lol. I’m going to try to keep up the cd’ing while continuing to go out with Blondie, but it’s not easy for me…yesterday at the game, I felt like I was “cheating” on Blondie with this other guy and I was not attracted to this man AT ALL! He’s nice enough, but just really no attraction there — not to his personality either. I kind of knew on the phone we wouldn’t match, but figured if he were really cute, it might make me feel something for him, but alas, I’m apparently addicted to my man crack, lol.

    I do think I would have headed off some of the problems we’re having right now if I had insisted on continuing to cd for a while longer, but realistically, I don’t honeslty see myself continuing to cd after a certain time period…like maybe after 4 months or something. That will be around Christmas time and that would be so awesome to have both of us ready to be exclusive at that point…but, I digress…all this fantasy around a man whom I haven’t heard from today isn’t helping my vibe any.

    He did ask me to see him tonight, but I told him I was busy….I’ve been thinking of telling him my plans changed and I’m now available, but I was hoping he’d contact me first so I wouldn’t have to reach out to him…sigh:P I

    I cannot control what this man does. I cannot control what this man does. Even though I feel anxious and want to hear from Blondie, I love and accept myself completely.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:12am

  330. 330: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    :P:

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:15am

  331. 331: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee -

    Does the CDing help you to keep from freaking out once you get attached to someone? I usually lose interest in everyone else once I’m very interested in someone. It will be interested to see how this works – I feel excited and apprehensive at the same time.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:15am

  332. 332: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I thought Blondie broke up with you…but I had a feeling he’d be back. What happened there? What happened with your date with the Doctor? I was waiting to hear!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:17am

  333. 333: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    The feelings statements are all about being AUTHENTIC. This is for you to be in touch with how you feel, expressing it, etc., AND when you express how you feel authentically it is an invitation for the other person to meet you at that high level. They will either meet you there, or they won’t – that is great information for you to know.

    Practicing making feeling statements is for all of our emotions – even the positive ones. For example, when you are getting to know someone it is great to communicate what makes you feel good so that this potential partner knows you enjoyed that action – i.e., “I feel cared for when you open the door for me, thank you!”

    The few of you who shared that this is easy until you are emotionally involved gives you information about you, and where you are in this process. When we become attracted to someone it is so easy to start wanting to temper our behavior and to try to illicit a particular response from that person. The goal is to simply be authentic. Be you – 100%!

    I’d love to invite you all to a free call that my husband and I are hosting Wednesday, October 20th where we’ll share more information on the inner work. Its called: The Secret to Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt. You can register at http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/secretstolove

    I’d love to “see” you all on the call!

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:49am

  334. 334: YouRetardNo Gravatar says:

    You really need to get a grip! You have no clue!
    Every woman is different, and the advice you give is only good for certain people and situations.

    Most women and or couples need advice on an individual level. It’s a fact.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 7:12am

  335. 335: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    And how do you know this is a fact YouRetard?
    Have you read any of Rori’s work at all?
    She very up front in saying she’s not for everyone, but in the vast majority of cases, her tools, her advice, everything she offers is solid and WORKS.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 3:50pm

  336. 336: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    NOTHING works for EVERYBODY…but that doesn’t mean there’s no value in what RR advises. She cannot address every unique situation…that’s what therapists are for. Women who feel it applies to their situation can use it – those for whom it does not apply don’t need to. As for myself, I am the Queen of Overfunctioning…and I need this advise.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 5:14pm

  337. 337: The Relationship CompanyNo Gravatar says:

    Dating is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

    Monday, 25 October 2010 @ 1:31am

  338. 338: T.R.No Gravatar says:

    Hi girls,

    It has been a while since I posted, but I do want to add in here. I do agree that people need advice on their individual situations, but I also know that the advice that is given here does work. I have been following Rori’s advice, which helped me to set stronger boundaries and love myself more. I have actually said some of her words exactly because it fit my situation. It does work, if you allow it. By using her guidance, and following my heart, I went for what was important to ME. I recently became engaged to a wonderful man and it was Rori, and this blog who helped me stay true to what is important to me. Be open to new ideas. And truly listen to the words said here. We are all here for a reason. I am going to continue to blog because I am continuing to learn with each new situation and I continue to need guidance and encouragement to stay true to myself.

    Wednesday, 27 October 2010 @ 12:58pm

  339. 339: CherieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Just reading through these posts … there’s so many interesting tangents here that have caught my interest. Please don’t laugh .. firstly Daria has mentioned having wet squirty orgasms and an instructional video … well I can tell you I have these orgasms and not all men appreciate them lol! I mean they started when I was with one bf and we were together two years and we both loved this and now I find it hard not to have them. So when I went out again on my own after breaking up I dated casually for a bit … and met a couple of men I like where they did not feel comfortable with this. So that now before I sleep with someone again I am thinking how can I just not do this, when it has become so natural … or do I pre-warn? My experience has shown me that there are men who love this and encourage it … and others think its “weird” and messy.

    Thursday, 4 November 2010 @ 8:41pm

  340. 340: CherieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Just reading through these posts … there’s so many interesting tangents here that have caught my interest. Please don’t laugh .. firstly Daria has mentioned having wet squirty orgasms and an instructional video … well I can tell you I have these orgasms and not all men appreciate them lol! I mean they started when I was with one bf and we were together two years and we both loved this and now I find it hard not to have them. So when I went out again on my own after breaking up I dated casually for a bit … and met a couple of men I like where they did not feel comfortable with this. So that now before I sleep with someone again I am thinking how can I just not do this, when it has become so natural … or do I pre-warn? My experience has shown me that there are men who love this and encourage it … and others think its “weird” and messy.

    Thursday, 4 November 2010 @ 8:41pm

  341. 341: CherieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I would like comments on my dating dilemma too .. I have been seeing a new man for the past two months. He is going through a divorce and still spending time on weekends at their house, with her and the kids, as they are improving the house to sell it. He doesn’t live there. I am trying to just lean back and let things take their time and let him come to me. The problem is although I’m trying to CD its difficult as I am feeling very connected to this man so that I will talk to others (I’m meeting men online) but I postpone actually meeting. When I have met someone I feel upset if this guy then calls and I have missed seeing him. He likes to call “spontaneously” … without much notice .. to see what I’m doing. Although he also does make some plans with me. More spontaneous though. He acts very affectionate toward me and we are having sex. I’m thinking though of our most recent night together … again he was running late and we made the tail end of a function I invited him to. Still we had a good night together, I was catching him looking at me more than usual .. kind of studying me … and he was more passionate than before that night. The next day he sent me a text that just said “Hey sex with you was fun”. Sigh … you know ladies, I kind of want something else than that. What do I do here?

    Thursday, 4 November 2010 @ 8:54pm

  342. 342: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Cheria – it’s going to take this man a LOT of time to get through the divorce and decide if he wants you. Please don’t hold your breath. I’ve seen a man leave one woman for another and get married right away – but it usually takes a very long time – and his response to you seems just this shy of “friendly.” Please CD. Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 November 2010 @ 11:36am

  343. 343: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Cheria!

    Welcome! When he said:

    Hey sex with you was fun!

    I would have said something like, “Yes, it was fun. I’d like to think of it as also romantic and caring. What do you think?”

    Saturday, 6 November 2010 @ 11:37pm

  344. 344: lolaNo Gravatar says:

    “And Hot!!!” : D

    Sunday, 7 November 2010 @ 5:22am

  345. 345: BABNo Gravatar says:

    Help!
    Dear ladies, Iam new to this program and am
    taking baby steps towards bettering myself so i feel happy an to further my relationship with my live in boyfriend of 5yrs.
    I am trying my best to fallow the listening levels and speaking with feeling words rather then point my finger and get defensive as i normally do.
    However I am no to clean on the rule, (If you want him to pursue you don’t contact him first. let him initiate and txt, call, talk to me. )
    My question is should i be fallowing this rule since we have lived and are living together for so long? How do i show i love him and am thinking about him if i can not contact him, without him first contacting me!?
    Also, when i practice level 2 listening, how much response is to little or too much? When I focus on him and listen while keeping eye contact and not saying a thing, but only shaking my head or such in agreement or what have you. He always ends whatever hes been talking about with “Im sorry i just talked your ear off” or “Sorry i didn’t mean to ramble on”
    How do i respond to this?
    My initial thought is to make him feel ok and not awkward by saying “Its ok i don’t mind, i was just listening” Or “don’t be sorry, I was just letting you talk” Is this the right way to go about it????? Please help.

    Thanks BAB.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 5:04pm

  346. 346: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Bab. Try posting on th most recent thread where everyone is.

    Friday, 31 August 2012 @ 6:22pm

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