Here’s a fabulous topic:
This is Ella from the blog.
I have been working with your programmes for a while and LOVE your work. It has helped me SO much and yet at the moment I am REALLY struggling with an issue with this guy I met.
He is younger than me (he’s 19 and I am 30 so BIG age difference) and we met and spent some time together – a whole day, after meeting the night before (I know this is not the best way and it just happened like this). No sex though. And it felt amazing being with him… and I am the prize yet I also felt so warm towards him and that he is a really unusual, brave and unique person.
Anyway basically it was AMAZING and I am feeling it for him massively, and believe he is/was for me too.
But I messed it all up because my pesky negative voices got the best of me and I let them take over for a bit, and I think it may have ruined the vibe of the whole thing. I found it hard because he is so much younger than me so I had so many ‘not good enough feelings’ pop up, around being with someone so young and hot and letting him be with me.
I am trying not to beat myself up about this and yet just finding it so hard.
Basically we had a conversation on IM which I will post here. And I asked for some male feedback on it (Rusty from the blog) and he pretty much said to a man it would come across as I didn’t want to see him, and that I have issues, and I would have put out the passion he felt for me.
This feels almost unbearable to me and I just want to lean forward and reach out to him. And not least bc I had no idea that what I was saying would come across that way… I feel lost.
Here is the IM conversation we had. He had contacted me and asked me to call him when I had some free time. I had text him that I was free over the weekend and then he messaged me on Facebook:
Him: im outa credit and have of recent lost my bank card in case your wondering why i haven’t given you a reply. but of course id love to see you this weekend! are you thinking of taking me some place special or do you have a laaazy day in mind. or would you prefer me to asert myself as the man and deside what we do though with my lack of money the options may not be a ball of glitter. xxxx..
Me: Hey hon, Cool cool. Weeeel, it would feel best to me if you made the plan so I am happy with whatever you decide. Yep always feels good when a man asserts himself
Am happy with doing something cheap/free and I am sure it will be a ball of gliter anyway. xxx..
Him: right i don’t know why i opted for myself bringing up the idea’s for what the options are for this weekend cus all i can think of is walk’s and i don’t even like walks really so im thinking another lazy day i know that sounds dull as hell but i just cant have you taking me out cus im broke as a joke plus wasting time is never really wasted if you enjoy the time you waste and i really enjoyed my time with you so… what say you?oi!!!c’mon i want a reply or im just gonna call you the answer machine has got the best of me damn you!look i do really wanna see you so just gimme a call on my mobile whatever the time ok? xxxx..
Me: Sorry hon was in the shower.
Him: right i miss you and im lonely..
Me: Awww, that feels nice Me too..
Him: can i not come round or something not for sex just a night together..
Me: Errr, I feel a little bit uncomfortable..
Him: Ok we’ll leave that.
Me: I would rather wait and make a plan. I want to feel cofortable, good and safe.
Him: yeah i understand that i dont wanna freak you out..
Him: By all means I just quite miss you
Me: I am giggling now
Him: I hope you understand
Me: And smiling
Him: plus read my earlier message’s cus my idea’s are shit i mean a wlk really??!!!all i can think when im this broke though..
Me: … No, I feel quite happy to have a lazy day with you… and even the walking sounds ok (I quite like walking)… I just don’t want to meet tonight Reeaally soon though:-)Btw – I miss you too..
Him: but spose a lazy day i could put your shelf up always a bonus..
Me: Which feels weird as I don’t know you that well.
Him: well i liturally am what you’ve seen soo i mean go by it or not.. I wear my hear on my sleeve, what you see is what you get.
Me: Lol Cool
Him: I am what you have seen
Me: I feel happy
Him: i feel like your very unsure about me all of a sudden..
Me: Do u?Hmmm, feeling kinda mixed. I felt amazing when we hung out…U know what that sheeps mask makes me feel a lil freaked out cus I can’t see u… know it sounds weird.. (he had on a mask in his FB profile pic)
Him: see thats why your cool..
Hang on a minute… there picture changed.
Me: lol Pic hasn’t changed on here yet..
Him: Well I am not a magic man. I am a science man.
Me: And that you went and changed it feels like ‘awww’
Him: Look I really like you.
Me: And that feels GREAT
Him: i know that sounds dumb as F8ck but when i meet someone for a night it’s usually just sex so with you to still be interested with only your company and the hugging is just really cooland im not a f8cken slaper im just saying..
Me: I am laughing out loud at your last statement. I
I didn’t think you were!
Err, I know what you mean.
I feel like that too and it makes me feel…. scared
Him: No, not at all, its amazingly cool!
Me: Yep that too
Me: Pic much better now btw
Him: i could very happily just lay in bed with youand i dont really get that(again not a slapper)and thank you..
Me: You are Welcome.I feel really good about it too…And kinda awed..
Him: You just said a word I don’t know
Me: Awed, eg in awe of the situation.
Do you know now?
Me: …. and the scared part is iin case we met and it wasn’t the same!:-(..
Him: Woah woah, negative or what.
Me: Yeah I know I am just sayin.
Him: ok well if thats the case your worried about just make sure were pissed before we meet eachother again!problem solved..
Me: Lol ha ha Oh gosh I am lmao. yep cool..
Him: cus I am not not seeing you again
Me: Oh really! (I thought he was saying he didn’t want to meet up again…)
Him: Yeah really
Me: As if you would have a chance!!!! (what I should have said was I am feeling defensive)
Him: I am shocked and appawled
Me: Me too I feel sad and pouty
Him: for someone who just lorded over their superiority you should feel sad.. (btw I know this sounds harsh and he is saying it jokingly… I know this from spending time with him… v dry sense humour)
Me: Hmmm, I feel confused now.
Him: ok well i cant be arsed so we’ll let that one sliiiide. but im saying how do you feel about another lazy day this weekend?cus if you want us to go out clubbing you’ll be paying..
Me: Lazy day would feel amazing
Him: plus im sure i could rummage up a cheap bottle of boos if you feel the need to get pissedjust incase you want it to be exact to last time..
Me: Lol… I’m sure I can manage without, and if you want to bring some you can…That will only work if it is SUPER HOT! (trhe weather)
Him: Oh gosh itr was hot!
Me: I still confused abou you saying we weren’t going to see each other, and now we are
Him: When did I say that?
Me: errr, above!
Then I re-read it…
Me: Oh, just saw the double negativeI get it now!Hmmm, need to read slower..
Him: sorryim not gonna liemy take on the english language isent exactly normall..
Me: Ha ha I know, it is interesting
Him: but yes that was a ID LOVE TO SEE YOU AGIAN!!!!!..
Me: Ah, that makes more sense. I feel less confused.
Him: im glad i hate to confuse i get it enough..
Me: do you? Me too I don’t mind…..
Him: And now I love you even more
Me: feels uncomfortable sometimes… and then when you get through it its like ‘ahhh’ yeah I get it…and then you feel closer to that person..usually, kinda coolAwww, thanks hon..
Him: b-e-a-utifullok look im gonna call it a night for me..
Me: Ok night night.
Him: i shall be calling you tommorow though so dont let it go to awnser phoneor dont just hand up on me like i saw the other day*hang..
Me: It might… if I am working. And if you ask me to call you back I will.That was different thing altogether..
Him: true you where with me..
Me: That is EXACTLY what I was just typingAnd so my attention was with you..
Him: We got that connection
Me: Anyway I am feeling tired
Me: Going to get some sleep. Night.
Him: yep talk tomorow(really am digging you right now)xxxxx..
Me: Awww, and me you. Feels good. Night. xxx
And then he just didn’t call. And it has now been a week. I am feeling very confused.
Rori you can read more on the current blog post if you want to – post 217 onwards including Rusty’s responses and male perspective.
Please help me I feel so confused about this and wondering where I have gone wrong and whether I should reach out or just let it go. I just want to feel peaceful and Sireny again!
Oh & I would quite like to see this guy again too!
Ella – first – whoopee!!
I had this exact situation 2 times in my life – I was 30 – he was 19, then I was 35, he was 22…
The 19 year old for some reason I wasn’t that all over – but he was tall, fabulous looking, great in bed, and crazy for me. The 22 was all that and SERIOUS…Sometimes it works – I’ve heard of it, and there’s Ashton and Demi…but he had money and success.
So…I don’t see ANYTHING in your end of the IM that’s bad or not good or off-putting. You just sound like you’re trying to create a “relationship” here – which is IMPOSSIBLE with a broke 19 year old (unless he has rich parents)…
All you can have here is a fabulous FLING – and can you go with that????
Oooo- Ella – I just now saw the part about him not calling….give him a few more days, and then text him….
“I was thinking about…”
(or some other cliffhanger…)
…your blue (or brown) eyes…made me feel….
That kind of stuff.
A fling is a fling. If you can’t go with that, don’t go there…I turned down one of those with an 18 year old because I didn’t feel he was crazy besotted with me like the other 2…but you can’t beat being adored by a young man…
Thank you for replying, and so quickly.
The thing is I WOULD like a relationship with him… so maybe I shouldn’t go there.
On the other hand it could feel amazing. Just not sure I could trust myself to let go when it came to an end because it felt SO fun/good.
And I am feeling so CONFUSED about why he was so into me and then didn’t call, which is triggering my NVs… and Rusty says he thinks I put him off…
What do you think?
And thanks again for your help!
PS – would it be ok to copy and past your replies to the blog? I think the other Sirens also want to know what you have to say about this…
(Here I asked her if I could just post the entire conversation between us…)
Yep that would feel good to me!
Can you understand my feeling confused here?
It actually felt kinda good to hear that we can bend the rules and lean forward a bit in certain circumstances, and also a massive relief feeling that you don’t think I ‘messed up’ my side of the conversation.
Guess I need to lighten up.
I just get such attacks of the NVs sometimes.
Am starting to feel better though.
There’s more to the conversation – but I just love this idea of having a good time with a man no matter what, and working through stuff like this. When opportunities show themselves for you to experience what it is you want, what feels good, what you want to do….that’s where the gold is.