Here’s a totally classic example of overfunctioning and the result it gets – which is YOU feeling resentful, angry and closed down and pushing a perfectly good man away.
I asked my boyfriend what we are going to do this weekend, he tells me he wants to go skydiving (expensive)..and then he tells me he also wants to find a place where we can have dance lessons, as long as they are not too expensive (he knows I want to go dancing)…he then gives me an example of how he has gone to dance lessons for free in the past at a country western bar.
I feel good knowing he is wanting to take me dancing, yet I feel bad, cheap, knowing he spends a lot of money on himself going skydiving, scuba diving, etc…and that he does not want to spend money on me.
I don’t know how to handle this..What do I need to do so that he will want to spend money on me? He’s always been a little cheap, but then again, I have nearly always offered to help pay for things, knowing he does not have a full time job…
This is pathetic, I know if a man wants a woman, he will spend money on her. I think he knows he gets it for free, so why spend money…I don’t know if that’s true, just my gut feeling.
Carol – you are focusing on all the wrong things. If you don’t like his level of generosity, then dump him – but can you just let this go? –he seems to want to be with you…you’re going to have to figure out where you are about putting meaning to money…and are you closing down and pushing him away emotionally because of your STUFF around this? This is just a preview of how he spends money – and if you were to marry him, you’d have to be able to simply negotiate how it’s spent. Seems like an easy thing, to me…if he’s a good guy and loves you… Love, Rori
More from Carol:
I get what you are saying, and yes, I am closing down and pushing him away emotionally…
I’m scared because I show how much I care with grand demonstrations, i.e, buying him concert tickets, balloon rides, etc..just don’t want to go overboard and Do “TOO MUCH” …but I really love giving in this way. His way of giving is a little different, he does special things for me, on a more simplistic level, and that’s ok, right? It does not have to be “even steven” with money.
Yes, I will let this go and get over myself…
Had crappy role models growing up, still trying to figure this out. Thanks, Carol”
Carol – the whole problem here is not what HE’S doing – but what YOU’RE doing…
…You have to STOP these “grand demonstrations”!!! STOP!!!!!
You’re wrecking the balance of the relationship, and you’re making yourself “keep track” and feeling resentful!! Stop!!
Make him popcorn and leave it at that!!!!
Your clue that you’re doing too much is if you’re closing down and feeling resentful!
How Overfunctioning Wrecks Your Love Life
Like Carol, most of us women feel bad receiving.
And so we turn it inside-out and upside-down, complicate it, get all weird about it, try to think around it…and end up creating only TENSION.
We then push men away with our tension around the whole issue of giving and receiving.
We instinctively keep a “balance sheet” in our heads…and why?
Because we are most comfortable “giving.” We feel in control when we do things for a man.
We feel bad – automatically – for wanting good stuff, and especially for wanting a LOT of good stuff.
And so we create this complicated dance around it.
We test the waters by “giving” – and we see what we get back.
If we like what we get back, we up the ante and give more.
At some point – we’re going to be disappointed.
We’re going to give more than we get.
And then it all breaks down.
We feel betrayed, we feel that things are “uneven,” we doubt him and his feelings…we freeze ourselves up.
This is the pattern we’ve ALL been taught about nearly everything involving friendships and human interaction. And romance and romantic love and sex just heighten all that and make it unbearably intense sometimes.
So – stop the marry-go-round before it starts moving.
Stop giving just because it feels good to you.
Stop giving and overfunctioning because you feel more “settled” and “comfortable” that way.
Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.
Because – whether you’re aware or not – every time you do ANYTHING – there’s an expectation attached. The expectation is there as a result of your pst experience, the way you think, what you believe, yor subconscious that you can’t get to, and your conscious opinions about things, too.
So – while you work on unearthing your subconscious “stuff” – rattle your own cage by just stopping doing what’s triggering the pattern of doing->expectation->disappointment->resentment->shut down.
See if you can find where this is happening to you in your own life.
Instead of expecting that a certain amount of “work” is going to result in you “getting” something (personally or professionally) – find a new reason to put work in professionally, and a new way to put work in personally – on YOURSELF!
And let the results just happen.
Let me know what surprises you find showing up!