Are You Wrecking Your Relationship By Giving Too Much?

Here’s a totally classic example of overfunctioning and the result it gets – which is YOU feeling resentful, angry and closed down and pushing a perfectly good man away.

“Hi Rori,

I asked my boyfriend what we are going to do this weekend, he tells me he wants to go skydiving (expensive)..and then he tells me he also wants to find a place where we can have dance lessons, as long as they are not too expensive (he knows I want to go dancing)…he then gives me an example of how he has gone to dance lessons for free in the past at a country western bar.

I feel good knowing he is wanting to take me dancing, yet I feel bad, cheap, knowing he spends a lot of money on himself going skydiving, scuba diving, etc…and that he does not want to spend money on me.

I don’t know how to handle this..What do I need to do so that he will want to spend money on me? He’s always been a little cheap, but then again, I have nearly always offered to help pay for things, knowing he does not have a full time job…

This is pathetic, I know if a man wants a woman, he will spend money on her. I think he knows he gets it for free, so why spend money…I don’t know if that’s true, just my gut feeling.

Thanks, Carol”

My answer:

Carol – you are focusing on all the wrong things. If you don’t like his level of generosity, then dump him – but can you just let this go? –he seems to want to be with you…you’re going to have to figure out where you are about putting meaning to money…and are you closing down and pushing him away emotionally because of your STUFF around this? This is just a preview of how he spends money – and if you were to marry him, you’d have to be able to simply negotiate how it’s spent. Seems like an easy thing, to me…if he’s a good guy and loves you… Love, Rori

More from Carol:

“Rori,
I get what you are saying, and yes, I am closing down and pushing him away emotionally…
I’m scared because I show how much I care with grand demonstrations, i.e, buying him concert tickets, balloon rides, etc..just don’t want to go overboard and Do “TOO MUCH” …but I really love giving in this way. His way of giving is a little different, he does special things for me, on a more simplistic level, and that’s ok, right? It does not have to be “even steven” with money.
Yes, I will let this go and get over myself…
Had crappy role models growing up, still trying to figure this out. Thanks, Carol”

My answer:

Carol – the whole problem here is not what HE’S doing – but what YOU’RE doing…

…You have to STOP these “grand demonstrations”!!! STOP!!!!!

You’re wrecking the balance of the relationship, and you’re making yourself “keep track” and feeling resentful!! Stop!!

Make him popcorn and leave it at that!!!!

Your clue that you’re doing too much is if you’re closing down and feeling resentful!

How Overfunctioning Wrecks Your Love Life

Like Carol, most of us women feel bad receiving.

And so we turn it inside-out and upside-down, complicate it, get all weird about it, try to think around it…and end up creating only TENSION.

We then push men away with our tension around the whole issue of giving and receiving.

We instinctively keep a “balance sheet” in our heads…and why?

Because we are most comfortable “giving.” We feel in control when we do things for a man.

We feel bad – automatically – for wanting good stuff, and especially for wanting a LOT of good stuff.

And so we create this complicated dance around it.

We test the waters by “giving” – and we see what we get back.

If we like what we get back, we up the ante and give more.

At some point – we’re going to be disappointed.

We’re going to give more than we get.

And then it all breaks down.

We feel betrayed, we feel that things are “uneven,” we doubt him and his feelings…we freeze ourselves up.

This is the pattern we’ve ALL been taught about nearly everything involving friendships and human interaction. And romance and romantic love and sex just heighten all that and make it unbearably intense sometimes.

So – stop the marry-go-round before it starts moving.

Stop giving just because it feels good to you.

Stop giving and overfunctioning because you feel more “settled” and “comfortable” that way.

Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.

Because – whether you’re aware or not – every time you do ANYTHING – there’s an expectation attached. The expectation is there as a result of your pst experience, the way you think, what you believe, yor subconscious that you can’t get to, and your conscious opinions about things, too.

So – while you work on unearthing your subconscious “stuff” – rattle your own cage by just stopping doing what’s triggering the pattern of doing->expectation->disappointment->resentment->shut down.

See if you can find where this is happening to you in your own life.

Instead of expecting that a certain amount of “work” is going to result in you “getting” something (personally or professionally) – find a new reason to put work in professionally, and a new way to put work in personally – on YOURSELF!

And let the results just happen.

Let me know what surprises you find showing up!

Love, Rori

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966 Comments to “Are You Wrecking Your Relationship By Giving Too Much?”

  1. 1: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Having expectations WILL mess you up every time, for even if your man does something sweet and wonderful for you yet you have in your mind something else, you WILL feel disappointed, AND sadly you will miss his lovely gift to you, whatever it is, even if it’s a simple yet heartfelt and tender embrace.
    Be curious. Allow yourself to be surprised.
    xxoo

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 12:22pm

  2. 2: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    I am just so freaking angry right now, I don’t even know where to start, so here goes: I have this relationship I am in now with a bf that one week I feel like we are so getting married and he is THE ONE, and the next week I just want to punch him in the nose. We have been together for going on 11 months.

    Allow me to explain: sometimes, he is Mr. Perfect-attentive, calls, texts, asking to get together, stays the night, he is snuggly and affectionate and we have awesome, mind-blowing sex etc. The next week (almost literally and like clock-work) he does the disappearing act. No phone calls, maybe sees me once or twice for a limited amount of time, no texts, etc. During the “off” week, I refuse to allow myself to call him or text him, and that makes me feel really good – I am CHOOSING to do the opposite of what I used to do in relationships – but I get so crazy angry hostile MAD about this I can’t even think straight! And then, what’s WORSE is I get mad at MYSELF for getting so wrapped up in how he isn’t calling me or texting me, etc. I will work out, or do my nails, and do whatever else to get my mind off of it. I let myself feel what I am feeling, but I really struggle with not allowing it to completely devastate me when he backs off.
    It isn’t like we have this awesome time together and then I start leaning forward-it’s not that. It just seems like every time we start to get really close and the relationship is moving forward versus being stagnant, he runs away. Let me point out he is 10 years older than me (I’m 28) and never wanted kids, and I have a toddler. One day he is talking marriage, the next day it’s, “I just don’t know if I want to be a daddy permanently”. This frustrates the crap out of me. I’m not asking him to do that, I haven’t brought up marriage, etc. He does and then it sounds like he tries to talk himself out of it! I don’t get it! Furthermore, why would anyone in their right mind start dating someone that had a child when they didn’t want kids? WHO DOES THAT? It isn’t like we went out for a few months before I said, “oh hey, by the way, I know you have no interest in kids but I have a daughter!” We met at work and my desk is covered in photographs of her, I talked about her constantly, brought her up to work (she is kind of our office mascot!) so it was NO surprise that I had a child when he asked me out for the first time.

    One of my boundaries is that I have no interest in being a step mom unless I would be the only mom to the kids. Therefore, I wouldn’t become heavily involved with a man that had drama with his baby mama. Wouldn’t even go there. Sure, maybe we could talk or meet for coffee or whatnot, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to get all serious with him. It just wouldn’t happen, because it isn’t what I want!

    We actually broke up two months ago (my call) because I felt like he wasn’t doing enough and I just didn’t want to deal with it. He called me after a week of no contact and we talked. Part of it was me not telling him how I felt, and I accept responsibility for that. But when I told him things like, “I don’t want your crumbs, and I need to be a part of your life every day and not feel like I am penciled in to fit some schedule, I need to feel sexy and special and desirable and I need to feel wanted and not like I am a convenience and an afterthought” he said he understood how I felt that way, was sorry, and would work on it. He was extra attentive for a while, things were great, he was asking me my ring size and talking marriage, and then it was back to the same old hot one minute, cold the next.

    It isn’t that I am itching to get married NOW. I know it is something I want at some point before I am 40! And I have TOLD him this numerous times when he asks me what I think about marriage. He also knows that I will not live with him unless we have a wedding date set and are engaged.

    I guess I am to the point where I don’t know if I am being impatient and he is just doing the getting cold feet, working on his own issues thing or if I am being blind or seeing it through rose colored glasses in this situation. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter until there is a ring on my finger and a wedding date set, I know he isn’t the last man in the universe, and my only expectation of him is to be honest with me, but it still hurts me that he seems to get so close then runs away.

    He tells me he loves me. He brings me flowers, takes me and my daughter out, and when we don’t feel like going out and I cook, he buys the groceries and does dishes. He takes me shopping, he mentions nice restaurants and dates and weekend getaways now that my parents have moved here and I have a safe babysitter for my daughter. In fact, when my family moved here, he insisted on taking us all out to dinner the NIGHT they got here!

    I feel like if he wanted to talk to me, if he wanted to text me, he would. Plain and simple. Men do what they want to do, they make time for it, no matter what. I guess maybe I am starting to realize that he is doing as much as he is capable of with me, and it just isn’t enough. And that is ok. I would rather find it out now and learn from this whole situation versus accepting not enough, marrying him, and ending up miserable and divorced or losing myself in the process.

    And this situation makes me wonder if this is going to be yet another time where we break up, and 6 months later he marries his very next girlfriend because he “just knew she was the one after 6 months” (That has happened to me TWICE already). I just want MY moment. MY man to come find me and be so smitten with me that he has to be with me and WANTS to be with me, and wants to marry me and that’s that. No second guessing constantly. No hot and cold. No wondering what if about every little thing (I mean that he isn’t second guessing, etc.)

    It’s amazing how freeing it is just to get this all down on paper…. (well, on computer) :)

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 1:54pm

  3. 3: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    Your insightful reasoning and practical applications to have successful relationships are my brand of psychology! Another brilliant unwinding and interpretation of complex human behavior!

    This type of thing was why I wanted to major in psychology, until I saw a dry, boring version of it coming out of my textbooks…and changed my major. Excellent!

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 2:09pm

  4. 4: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I was wondering how Rori sees the saying “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”………

    After reading this…..now I wonder…why buy the cow if it will pay you to drink the milk….?

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 2:18pm

  5. 5: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah – welcome – and here’s the thing. One – either be exclusive with him and take it exactly as it is and get rid of your anger – in other words – take the thought that it’s SUPPOSED to be the way you want – OUT of the situation. Stay warm and open. OR – Circular Date so you REALLY have no need for your anger. That’s what I would do…”Don’t know if we’re on the same page…” Love, Rori

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  6. 6: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Hadassah,

    This has intrigued me enough to write a post . This guy sounds like a great guy ! He sounds fantastic on paper. You are so right that men do what they want to do and he seems to want to be around you a LOT in a very present way. Do you still work together also?

    I believe men need “cave time” after a lot of closeness. It has nothing to do with us as such , its not due to any problem necessarily , its just ” man time” when they do things like go out hunting for provisions (focus on work ) , touch base with male friends, or just hang out in their own space recharging their Man-ness. It also occurs to me that maybe he is feeling intense pressure from you and fears losing himself giving all of his spare time and attention. That would make him cautious about the future. Its not just our actions (and yaaay to you for NOT calling him) but also that vibe , our vital energy which can clearly radiate anger and fear and need even when we arent aware of feeling those things. Rori works with this (and even mentions she believes they can feel it clean across the country.)

    I am wondering a couple of things . First it sounds as if you are feeling really bad in the “off ” week. Is something happening then (like booty call sex maybe in the “limited amount of time ” you see him- is he just dropping in? ) that would make you feel bad about YOU..? Something you can change yourself? Also what else are you both doing with that time?

    I wonder if you have considered circular dating in that week? Not being available for quick visits by him because you are busy with a friend , or seeing your family , or attending a class that happens weekly .Maybe even moving on to real coffee dates with men friends. Your strong sense of self respect and care will be further strengthened and you will so relaxed around him .You will free yourself from all that spinning and din in your head when you do this. Its not about how he will feel or react, you do it for you, to loosen up your “hold “on the situation. Rori’s programes will show you how.Also I suggest Yoga would be brilliant.

    I think your gut FEELING will know if he is a good guy or not if you loosen up and make some space between you that is relaxed and calm. He will feel that calm oasis and be so drawn to you.

    And if he really is just emotionally unavailable and stringing you along about marriage you will very quickly flush him out. GOOD LUCK!

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 4:06pm

  7. 7: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Hi Hadassah,

    I hate the withdrawing thing that men do. It’s happened to me many, many times, and who knows why men do what they do? It sounds like your man has some issues about marriage and he’s scared. However, who knows and that’s not the point. The point is you should CD. If he’s withdrawing, it won’t make you so crazy because your focus is not on him alone. I KNOW how hard this is – especially when you are with someone who you think is “the one.” Yet, no matter how attentive and wonderful, it’s all imaginary now until there is the kind of commitment you are wanting.

    One of my issues is that if he is poetic and romantic, I will be right there with him, right away (I just get swept away) instead of saying my true feelings like – “I feel uncomfortable with this level of intimacy so quickly” – which is how I really feel. I know instantly smoking the “man crack” pipe leads to FLAME OUT and the man withdrawing. It has happened every time. But, I’m learning, step by baby step. I get it.
    I need to CD more and it sounds like you do too.

    Please keep us up to date on what is happening.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 4:14pm

  8. 8: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    hi girls and women,

    Hadassah, the leaningback and not jumping on his back yelling “are you gonna give me that ring or what” is very good brava ! but you should at the same time work on your VIBE it is really important, he feels the things that you are not saying ! the hot and cold is i know frustrating BUT he keeps coming BACK, and the next time he comes back because i know he will that’s when you will have to opportunity to stop him from withdrawing. Don’t quickly jump to bed with him, make time to see him and be always available for him… when he leans forward you have to lean back even more and do less… everything, keep yourself busy until he gets more consistent and actually runs to buy you that ring ! you have to understand that when he talks about a future with you etc… you are focusing on what he says and without knowing it u lean forward and the next thing you know you’re standing there feeling like a moron watching him run like his *** is on fire, thinking but ALL i said is “I need to be a part of your life every day and not feel like I am penciled in to fit some schedule !!!! hello…hello!!?… hel…”, no stop ! keep yourself busy and your life going until he walks the talk and actually buys you that ring that you want. When he’s in front of you or in the phone with you be warm and open like rori says (dont’ ask him when r u gonna see him etc… and don’t stay too long talking to him like you have nothing else to do) when he’s not don’t even think about him, do something that makes you feel good, relax, happy, so that when he does contact you he won’t FEEL like you were waiting for him cause duh ! you won’t be and that simple thing will change your vibe and make him think “whaaa !? she’s happy when i’m not there ! she has a life !!! and she’s not has focus on me like before and what’s worst now she says what she wants and won’t take less than that… i better shake my lazy butt or she’s gonna drop me like a hot potato for some ram dude whose gonna actually give her that ring i’ve been promising her ! ”
    And another thing when you talk to him it’s important that you don’t use the word “you” like “i don’t want your crumbs” so that he doesn’t feels attack and closes off again, next time try saying something like “i don’t want this or that” or ” i don’t want to tolerate this or that” in a calm but firm voice and don’t tell him what he should or should not do because… i don’t know… eu…maybe because he knows what he should do and not do in order to keep a woman and to make her happy so don’t worry about that ! and focus on what YOU want and don’t want and keep it at that, you will be amazed at how he wil repond and act !

    Good luck, i’m sure you can stop this hot and cold dance but you have to believe it too.

    Kisses
    Pepe.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 4:19pm

  9. 9: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    I love it, Rori, when you take something that most people spend weeks, months, years in therapy over and WHAM! in a few paragraphs you nail it!

    So much of over-functioning is emotional entrapment. We, the women, set the bait.

    I used to NEED my ex-boyfriends to PROVE their love for me. Ridiculous!

    I stopped over-functioning when I got very clear on what I NEEDED in relationship. When I was clear on what I needed and never, ever sacrificed that – everything changed! I knew where the boundary was – it was clear, it was drawn and that was that.

    Being clear on what we NEED vs. what we WANT brings about huge change in our expectations.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 4:27pm

  10. 10: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah,

    Wow,, I say STOP and take some time to see how lucky you really are. He sounds like a great guy..so he clears his head for a little while..he always comes back right! As you said, he didn’t want kids however he is spending time with both of you..

    I would be careful he is probably picking up on your anger..did you ever think maybe that is why he dissapears for a while.

    Only other thing..maybe he is married?
    Good luck.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 5:26pm

  11. 11: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori and Amy – I don’t want to be angry about it, but I guess I just feel like he is being dishonest with me in some way. I’ve asked him to not talk to me about ring sizes and being married until he is sure that is what he wants with me. Now that my family is here and I have a babysitter I can trust, I figure I can give him some time to see if he initiates these “real” dates he has talked about with just us, or if he is all talk.

    Amy-I get what you mean about the poetic and romantic deal – that is the kind of guy I used to fall for, all of which turned out to be toxic for me. B is so opposite of what I usually go for it’s a whole new adventure. And adventures are always a good thing that teaches you a lot of new things about yourself. And in some ways, I have been CDing the whole time, as much as I have been able to – I still flirt with any male I have the chance to, and if a guy did approach me and ask for my number, I would definitely give it to him. I think I would even go out with a guy, if he asked.

    Part of my problem is that I wake up, take the baby to daycare, go to work, pick the baby up from daycare, and come home. I take her for a run almost every night, but there is hardly anyone else around. Oh, I forgot that we go to Wal-Mart weekly. Yep, that’s my exciting life of being an only parent for the past nearly 19 months. :)

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 5:56pm

  12. 12: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah,

    I see your parents as being a blessing in helping you get married before you are 40! Now you can really CD because you have a reliable sitter….and you can do coffee dates….no more than an hour…so as to be very considerate of your parents and your Happy Ever After….. Date….. and notice if you are feeling “owed” by him…. because that will feel like pressure to a man…. give yourself what you want…

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 6:30pm

  13. 13: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I can certainly relate to this as a breadwinner TWICE in my past relationships.

    The dynamics of feeling “guilty” of receiving and the expectations/desire to receive at the same time sometimes wrecks havoc in me as I’m trying to navigate this new relationship of mine.

    I definitely second this “Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.” This is what I’m trying to practice right now.

    Very aptly put. I don’t want to over-give even though it feels good -at least in the beginning- because when I feel it’s not being reciprocated it’ll be poisonous to our relationship.

    I’m trying to create a climate that allows him to give more and me being very appreciative of it. At least, if I give, it’s not in the form of money but something perhaps with equal values like cooking for us (which I enjoy…at least for now!! :) ).

    I’m trying to apply your rule that we don’t have to do anything that costs money but we could enjoy it at the same time.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 6:35pm

  14. 14: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah, I shall play for your precious man…for him he is giving serious consideration to the “package” that you are and that is a huge decision for him to make. Rori did a wonderful post on us being the anchor and he being the elastic band. You need to be his anchor – steady, relaxed, lounging in back of the boat while he takes up the oars and rows. Only there are extra passenger in the boat. So he has extra decisions. May I suggest take the time to create a very large safe space for him. Luxuriate in long relaxing dates now that your family can look after your baby. (You didn’t mention if the baby has a father and if the baby has a father or no father, there are very significant implications for your honey to work through). Eleven months is a very very short time of dating. As another single mom, I can appreciate your want to get on with things – that is what us single moms do! The process we learn here is to lean back, take our time, focus on the me making me happy by finding and pursuing our purpose in life, finding out what our deepest needs are, circle dating to get in touch with how to open ourselves to others, creating space for safety in relationships. It is all designed to help us be beautiful feminine sirens. It is very tough for me as a single mom, with no support, no father in the lives of my kids, self-employed etc etc, to relax from all the masculine “do” that keeps us afloat. Engaging my feminine doesn’t come easily but even the little bit I do, has a profoundly wonderful impact. Now when my men come to me, I feel truly desired and appreciated. They don’t come forward very often, but when they do, like WOW! It is an out of this earth experience.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 7:04pm

  15. 15: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I have learned to sit on my hands regarding the giving, and especially in the money arena, or the big ticket items. The recent economy collapse (r/e & stock losses) and a lack of job helped me learn the hard way! Amazing, but me, the big spender, bestower of tremendo presents just so spectacular, has scaled way back, and I feel ok about that. I thought the grand gestures would help show how much I cared, but really, in hindsight it only showed how much I spent!

    Overfunctioning really does scare the guys away!

    So much of their self-esteem is in their pockets, especially at middle aged. My self-esteem is not based on my bank account. But the whole provider instinct is engrained in their psyche. I cannot stand cheap guys , but I also know I am judged by what I have- or the designer clothes I wear, or the art that hangs on my walls, the car I drive, the wine I order out for dinner, etc. I do not want a man who is intimidated by me. I have had men use me for my money and social connections. And I did not learn my lesson by the second time one tried! Some how I grew – and snapped out of it- and saw that I really deserve to be the one who is pampered.

    I am Goddess.

    Now, I let the guys pay. I do not even offer to contribute. I think it intimidates men if they think you have more. My Perfect Man never asks me to pay. When he is at my house, I cook. I do not expect him to bring over the groceries. He pays for all when we are out, and somehow I think he feels good about it.

    Overfunctioning can relate to way more than the money end, too. It leads to expectations, and assumptions, which as we know, we have to drop.

    Regarding the question of the ring size, been there. I remember once being in front of an expensive jeweller window at the Ritz, and my ex BF who was full of BS, asked me which I liked. When I replied the emerald cut diamond ring, he told me I was just like his ex-wife. The comparison nearly made me upchuck then and there!

    Hadassah, the rubber banding this man is going through is normal in their need for self-discovery. Just don’t take it so seriously, if you can. He sounds like a sweetie. For me, I as am experiencing this with my Perfect Man, I tell myself to let go, and BE. relax and be open. Excellent to CD however it feels right, and maybe if you ask nicely, your ‘rents can help you out for some free time, to find some happy moments for you! Find your siren, and he will step up.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 7:15pm

  16. 16: Sapphire-n-jewelsNo Gravatar says:

    O wow
    I feel really insecure over this post. Like my stomach has been pulled out. This is me to a tea. How do I stop
    expecting. I feel all tense and uptight. I over function all the time. Give to get and expect. There are times I don’t and yes it feels great – much better when he initiates. I suppose I do this out of fear of losing him.
    I need to workon this and understand me. I am laying in bed listening to him snoring, wanting to reach out and touch but nit able to.
    I had a chat with a girl friend the other day talking about the falling in love stage and how attentive men are. She stated that you can’t maintain that part through a relationsip but that’s the part I miss. Finding the settled part where he not as attentive boring – my expectations again xxx

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 7:22pm

  17. 17: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie is right about the package deal. He may not have initially wanted that but if he loves you, he will come to love the package. As he discovers his feelings on that, and the decision, lean back. He will come forward when you relax.

    A little personal tidbit in that arena: my Dad stepped up to a woman, my Mom, who was already Mom to three kids. Way back when, that was a major scarlett letter. Many people tried to talk my Dad out of caring for my Mom, even his own Mom who tried and tried to ruin it. Somehow, if way back then, that man could do it, so can the more modern, accepting, and sensitive men of today.

    Thursday, 14 October 2010 @ 7:38pm

  18. 18: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    My last bf (4months. the relationship- not him. though, he does act like a damn baby) complained I WASN’T overcompensating.

    He felt that because he was giving emotionally, I should be giving financially because I made more money. To offset this, I tried being more generous emotionally, thinking that was a more fair balance. He expressed it wasn’t, so I broke things off. Again.

    It’s been a while and I’ve been dating other guys, but it’s been so hard for me to stop analyzing what went wrong and just get back on my horse.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:08am

  19. 19: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I miss him terribly.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:12am

  20. 20: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    I met a doctor 2 days ago.. We went to the movie, “The American”, there was a kissing scene, he asked me if he can kiss me…?
    I refused and asked him never to do this again in future….. He agreed….!!

    Then we sat for a long time in the mall, and he told me about his past, and I was so touched I wanted to kiss him instantly.. Then we took a taxi, and as we sat together, I got a li’l uncomfy, and turned my face to the other side, I stopped talking. He sensed something wrong, and asked me 6-7 times. Then finally I turned my face to him, and said, “You wanna know what it is? I wanna kiss you…” And then tilted my face.. He instantly sprang up and kissed me like anything… After some seconds, I realized what I had been doing and just stopped the car and got out of it, but he again grabbed me and kissed me good bye….

    Man…… I couldn’t sleep that night… Was missing his, perhaps, kiss….!! He was one of the most awesome kissers I met in my life……
    Since then am confused…! Honestly he is quite a good guy, but am not feeling that connection with him, and he has already started talking to me as a couple…. And he is a very sensitive and serious kind of guy…..

    I don’t know what to do….
    But my gut feeling inside tells me that whatever I did, wasn’t right… Uuuhhh……

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:19am

  21. 21: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    Is there a change in moon in the North Western Hemisphere? The CL ads have suddenly taken a stranger turn (as if that were possible…but I guess it is)

    I will not be giving anything to kind of guy depicted below. This looks like somebody I would expect to see on “The Profiler” TV show. :shock:

    SQWEEGEL SEX (Layers of Latex)
    http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/m4w/2007039032.html

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:42am

  22. 22: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — How bizarre!

    Didn’t I see you mention that you were checking out/signing up at one of the paid sites as well? How’s that going?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:24am

  23. 23: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita — I’m feeling a little confused. You felt an overwhelming urge to kiss this man, but you feel you have no chemistry with him? Feeling a strong urge to kiss someone is what I would call chemistry! And I like the fact that he noticed something was wrong and kept asking you about it until you told him what it was…shows a real concern for your feelings, I think. I say you should definitely see him again — he could end up taking you by surprise like my feelings for Blondie did…at first, I didn’t think we had “chemistry”, but I was way off…I don’t know how things are going to work out for us after all, but my point is, sometimes our initial impressions can mislead us, especially if we’re used to dating a certain “type” of man (often the type that doesn’t work for us). Is this possible in your case?

    Please pardon me if I’m not very knowledgable about your culture, but is kissing considered ‘bad’ or wrong where you’re from unless you’re married? If it is, maybe you could discuss that with this man and agree not to kiss anymore, but thank goodness you’ve already determined that he’s an awesome kisser! Just my vote, but I think you should give him a chance…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:31am

  24. 24: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @22: knocksoftly says:
    “C’mon SLV…..You know you want latex man. But you cant have him cuz he’s mine. Hahahaha”

    Heehee :lol: I’d heard you have to kiss a lot of frogs…but “frogmen”…idk, haha. Too much, too much.

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:12am

  25. 25: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    First let me just say THANKS to everyone who has responded to my post and I will try to go over them in order.

    Rosa: We no longer work together; he was just at my company for a temporary project for 4 months, so we haven’t actually been working together for 7 months. And when we did work together, he was calling all the time, texting, etc. I have made it clear that booty calls are not allowed, and honestly I have never felt that way with him. On the off times, I do try to keep the focus on what makes me happy and make sure to play with my hair, do my nails, take bubble baths, etc. As far as the CD-ing the weeks he has pulled back is concerned, now that the family is here, he is learning he can’t do the last minute, call me at 5 for dinner deal. Before he knew I was sitting at home with the baby-now he is realizing that isn’t my life anymore!

    Pepe: I could be subconsciously leaning forward when he brings up the ring; that is something I can pay more attention to and try to be more aware of. I know I am warm and open with him even after a period of distance because when he calls, the anger vanishes. It’s just the constant he is all into me, then he isn’t that makes me crazy. In fact, when he did call last night, I was taking a bubble bath and didn’t answer. I listened to his voicemail and he was all, “wow you never don’t answer. I hope everything is ok..” I did call him back when I was good and ready to get out of the tub, and he asked to get together tonight. He almost NEVER makes plans with me. (this is another point of contention with me that my family being here is going to either fix with him, or weed him out for good). He can plan for going to his hobby meetings weeks in advance, but never makes dates with me with any notice, so just the night BEFORE was amazing. I actually got to tell him no because I already had plans with my family for dinner. Instead of me saying – “well can we get together…” I just let it sit. He sounded all bummed and then asked if he could come by after because he “really wants to see me.” So I told him maybe and to give me a call around 8pm so we shall see. Plus we were only on the phone for 15 minutes, like Rori suggests. I can see how my using the word “you” could make him feel attacked, but I honestly am not sure I said “I deserve more than YOUR crumbs” or if I said “I deserve more than the leftover crumbs”. (I had read Rori’s ebook numerous times before we had that conversation so I think I did fairly well in it) Thinking before I speak is something I can work on. :)

    Nikita: My family being here is a blessing for a lot of reasons – I feel like a HUGE pressure has been released off of me, and I guess I figured that he would feel less pressure to fulfill the “man of the house” role with my daughter now that she has a grandpa and uncle.

    Lizzie: As soon as you mentioned the anchor and rubber band deal, I remember reading that article here and I need to find it again to give myself a reminder. As far as the baby issue – I am an only parent. Her sperm donor is completely out of the picture in every form and fashion since she was only months old. He was abusive in every sense of the word, and that is when I finally got away. He has not tried to see her, has not asked about her, doesn’t help support her financially in any way, and I heard he left the state and got some other girl knocked up not even two months later. Sad to say, but she is better off without him. All he would have done was the pop in and pop out of her life when it was convenient for him, (like once every few years to say “I’m your daddy!” and I don’t see how that would be good for her in any way. Not to mention when he was trying to bully me to come back before he ran off with this girl he got pregnant, it was constant threats of, “I’ll kill you, “if I can’t have you no one can,” etc. So he isn’t the most stable person one has ever encountered!

    Denise: I do like the rubber band scenario and the just BE. I find that just BE-ing is getting easier with more and more practice!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:17am

  26. 26: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    20: Renee says:

    “Didn’t I see you mention that you were checking out/signing up at one of the paid sites as well? How’s that going?”

    I’m checking dating sites and venues in general to see what’s going on with them. I signed up (barely)with okcupid to learn to navigate an online dating site and to see what the current crop of men looks like. :D I also plan to scout POF.

    For now, I’m “dating” ME and don’t plan to branch out until 2011. CL is an interesting concept but there are sure some weird ads there–I don’t mean just the genitalia pics and overt preferences–bizarre and scary men. But I’ve seen sweet, intelligently written fun ads also.

    To start, I’m leaning toward stealing Mary’s CL ad copy; it’s simple and suits me. I haven’t seen Mary posting lately; I hope she’s doing swell.

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:25am

  27. 27: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    9. Orna

    “So much of over-functioning is emotional entrapment. We, the women, set the bait.”

    That is an insightful comment. I am watching myself shift from using CDing to get a certain man to do what I think i want him to do, to CDing to get more clear on what I need in a relationship and to have fun and get the focus off of him and just let him be.

    It feels much too limiting to make myself prisoner of dependency on what ANY ONE does, in order to feel happy.

    I am so glad that I am aware enough to catch myself in the act of overfunctioning, leaning forward and trying to be in control, lecturing and sounding like a school marm or somebody’s old auntie. It’s not easy, after having to raise my own children from very young by myself.

    The blessing from Rori is that I now know what to look for.

    BE SURPRISED! YES!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:49am

  28. 28: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn !!!!!

    OMG ! i don’t get it…sounds like he wanted to switch places with you, he’s emotionnaly giving (and that’s a siren’s job) and wants YOU to be giving financially ( men’s job)…eu… anyboby else other than me sees something disturbing about that ? just raise your hand.
    That’s a good thing you kicked his …and now you’re analyzing what went wrong !!! don’t bother anymore just read the first paragraph of my post.
    Kaitlyn/siren/godess, bcause that’s what you are !
    you deserve better way better than that douche, it was only a matter a time before his demands got more specific like ” i need a new toothbrush or a BBW and don’t tell me you can’t cause you make more money than me and i’ve giving you soooo much emotionally ! with tears in his eyes and that sad look we just can’t resist… dude !!!
    Next time you think about him remember how small he was and how smart you were to dump him. Or just ask yourself why…WHA should I waist my precious time and thoughts on a guy that wanted me to become his suga mama, AS IF ! and put a TLC cd and sing out loud ” no i don’t want no scrubs lalalallala

    Kisses
    Perrine

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:10am

  29. 29: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “the falling in love stage and how attentive men are….you can’t maintain that part through a relationship”

    Sapphire-n-Jewels – Oh yes you can. I’m living proof. It’s not an effort. It’s not work. It just is.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:12am

  30. 30: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah,

    So proud of you, i feel just like your mom right now ! no not really… just kidding lol
    You’re doing so good BUT 2 things that you should pay attention too :
    1- you said : “Now that my family is here and I have a babysitter I can trust, I figure I can give him some time to see if he initiates these “real” dates he has talked about with just us, or if he is all talk ” NO NO NO N…don’t wait and see anything ! you don’t have the time for that cause you have a life remember !
    if you start thinking like that without knowing it your relax and good vibe will change into waiting, analyzing, calculating : ok he called twice today…he ask me out 2 times this week… see what i mean ? and he will feel it ! dont’ wait and see NADA and enjoy feeling surprised by him.

    2- ” asked if he could come by after because he “really wants to see me.” So I told him maybe and to give me a call around 8pm so we shall see ”
    the fact that you sticked to your plans and didn’t drop anything to have some alone time with him ” we won’t be able to go out to diner … but mom don’t you get it, a MAN wants to see me ! a man ! do you realise that …” is perfect brava ! but you should have said that you made plans with your family and that you were not gonna be able to see each other today… perioda. That would have make him want to see you even more cause he didn’t when he wanted too and make him look forward to seing you and maybe thinking he should make plans and make time for you when he wants to see you not just call : what’s a her name again oh crap she answered…hey… girl!!!! oh i can’t see you tonite but… we still can see each other like later…alone right ? she said yes… what a shock ! dawm i’m good ! all i have to do is clap clap and clap my feet and she’s all mine.

    It’s ok, don’t worry about it, next time you’ll know what to do, i trust you.

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:39am

  31. 31: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe-Thanks a lot for your input. I really like having a totally unbiased outside perspective. I don’t have any close friends here (just work acquaintances) and the girls I do chat with at work are all married and miserable so they are not who I would want to get advice from!

    I guess I worded it wrong; I don’t literally mean that I will sit around and do nothing and wait to see if he sets up dates with me; I guess I meant more of “ok, now he has no more excuses, (before I didn’t want to leave her with a babysitter because I don’t have anyone close enough to me that I trusted with her) so here is his real chance to step up to the plate.”

    My mom is pretty much my best friend and always has been (we have always had an amazing relationship and if mine and my daughter’s is half as good, it would be better than most mother/daughter relationships I personally know of!) My mom and I are making plans for shopping and day trips with the baby, and my brother and I are going to join a gym together and be work out buddies since I am still trying to lose some baby weight and he needs to get into shape as well, so I most definitely will not be “leaving my schedule wide open” anymore, because I don’t have to!

    As far as not letting him come by tonight – he knows for sure that the baby is in bed pretty much between 7pm and 8pm so that I would be home. And if he calls tonight and I would rather have quiet time by myself than have him over, I will tell him that as nicely as possible – something along the lines of I just really feel like taking a bath and getting into bed early. Which may be true by then since I have been awake since 4am! But if I feel like seeing him tonight, I’d say sure. And I feel fairly confident that he is going to set up plans for another time over the weekend. I just hope he beats my family to it! :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:54am

  32. 32: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this is a new one for me. Mover man wants to take me shopping to buy me a sexier wardrobe. He says I dress too conservatively.

    Hmmm, I don’t know how I feel about this! One the one hand, I want a man who doesn’t want to change me at all. On the other hand, I know I am not sexy outside of the bedroom. I’m more hippy or girl next door.

    I feel open to this, as an experiment. But there’s a feminist in me that’s standing up and saying, “how dare he!”

    I told him my mixed emotions about it. He wasn’t being rude – it was said in a conversation of openess and honesty.

    Hmmm

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:04am

  33. 33: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Hadassah,

    Thanks for the detailed clarifications and good for you !You sound like you have worked hard with your feelings and being authentic. He seems very open with his comments, no game playing there. That feels good to me.

    Lying soaking in the tub , taking your time , steam and bubbles and perfumed oil , I can see it now, not always being available , yep…WAY TO GO ! Date yourself , see family (and rotate the days around ), and start to see other friends too and we will soon have him stop taking you for granted. His reaction to your being less available speaks volumes.

    The C dating is relationship spice..for YOU. You just get tastier and yummier and more irresistible when your life expands .You may have to put him on a diet!

    You wont have time to feel angry with him . I like that you are feeling the anger right now though . Its a great place to start. When I feel angry, as i become aware of the feeling in my body, I say “Oh thats rage i am feeling!” And I try to really feel it in my body , pay close attention to it and just observe it , where is it , how big ,what does it feel like ? Often its a hot chokey sensation in my upper chest that spreads right through into my back and shoulders. I can imagine it shrinking and it just evaporates and dissolves or sometimes I drip it out of finger tips.

    Then I always ask myself what desire, need or expectation of mine is not being met? What or who am i trying to control? Is it a cover-up anger , hiding my fear or guilt? What is the threat? And I often find my anger has been just a habit sort of flaring up when i am tired and stressed. I am getting a lot calmer in my responses nowadays.

    What do other sirens do to deal with angry feelings ?

    I can see that having regular time out will be fantastic now you have family close by, and not just for babysitting , also for taking out a lot of the “pressure ” for both of you.He wont have to feel so responsible for your social life and well being and you can relax more and feel life opening up. And hopefully be less stressed too.
    Its all good!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:08am

  34. 34: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    This feels weird to me Siena. I can’t even imagine my man telling me he would like me to dress differently.
    Hmmm. I want to think more on this.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:11am

  35. 35: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, that does feel intriguing. It would probably be an interesting experiment to find out what he means by sexy. So rather than him telling you what’s sexy to him, he’ll show you.

    I’d feel a little nervous about that, just anticipating where he’s gonna take me or ask me to try on. Maybe excited with a little trace of fear. I don’t want to feel obligated to wear something just because he likes it. I want to feel good too.

    Hmmm…

    It’s a chance to reinvent myself too. To throw off this old vibe and try on a new one. Even if it’s for a night.

    I feel excited. Let me know how it goes!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:13am

  36. 36: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque and SS, you both captured my thoughts exactly.

    Tinque, I’d venture to say that you showed up sexy for K, which may be a reason why he never said anything about it.

    I show up cute and trendy – and conservative. Mover Man’s right!

    …and SS – yes, a chance to reinvent myself (which is the reason I’m here anyway!) I don’t think he means sexy as in kinky (actually, I know he doesn’t mean that). But it still feels weird and out of my comfort zone – which is actually a good thing.

    hmmm, I don’t even know if I want to feel sexy outside. It feels revealing and scary to me – I told him that.

    So maybe this is just what the doctor ordered to help me heal some old stuff that doesn’t belong in my life.

    …but it’s still weird that a guy told me that. (Or is it!?)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:35am

  37. 37: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – Forgive me if I am asking you to repeat yourself, but since I am at work and sneaking being on non-work related websites and can’t read everything as clearly as I would like to – is it the fact that he wants to spend money on you so generously, or the fact that he wants you to “dress sexy” that rubbed you the wrong way?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:14am

  38. 38: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah, it’s the fact that he wants me to change the way I dress when I’m with him. (He can spend money on me all day long, I’m okay with that!)

    I don’t know if it rubbed me the wrong way. I’m still trying to work it out. I feel some resistance to changing how I dress for a man… but at the same time, I know I don’t dress sexy when I’m out and about, and I know that this particular guy (and maybe most men – who knows) likes to be with a woman who looks really good.

    I take care of myself and always look put together… but not in a sexy way.

    So I feel conflicted.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:22am

  39. 39: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    I have to run out…. But GO SHOPPING :D
    Let me live vicariously through you ….please……

    Maybe he means sexy as in lingerie? ;)
    Maybe he means conservative as in “dressed”. ;) hehe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:22am

  40. 40: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Nikita – you totally made me laugh!!

    I asked him what he meant, which is where the “I’ll take you shopping and buy it for you” came in to the conversation.

    I wear lingerie and am sexy at home. It’s just when I’m out and about that I totally cover up.

    I realize that this is totally about him, which is why I feel some resistance to it. He wants other men to see me with him and be jealous.

    So he wants me to look like arm candy.

    Part of me wants to give him what he wants, part of me wants to withhold it.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:30am

  41. 41: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Let’s see, you’re the one who was wearing a “wife beater” a few months ago, right? :-)

    You know, I found at my large size that it IS possible to dress sexily without dressing slutty! As in, without exposing skin, which, in my case, would be rolls! **Sigh!**

    Here are sexy, non-revealing outfits I like:

    A tank top under a sheer, delicate blouse
    Tight jeans
    A dress
    Polyester pajamas (shirt and pants that match) with lace worn as a dressy outfit
    A blouse with a slightly-low neck
    Accessories like belts, jewelry, scarves

    What do you think/feel?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:37am

  42. 42: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    I like to think of it as dressing feminine, not sexy. I usually only wear button down shirts if it’s under a jumper, so it doesn’t look too manly, unless it’s a floral print or bright red and inherently feminine looking.

    Why do you dress the way you do? Is it moral or is it a lack of self-esteem?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:40am

  43. 43: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe it isn’t what he said but how he said it? Or limiting beliefs within you?

    I will speak from my experience…Kenny gave me many, detailed suggestions on how to dress. He was just trying to help me, to give me an idea of what men like. It helped me be objective about myself, and I really appreciated it. I guess his attitude was totally centered around me, not him, and that’s what made the difference.

    I have a fantasy about wanting to shop for a man! I think it’s a very romantic thing for a couple to do! The closest I ever got was the time my brother let me help him shop, because he knew I had more of an eye for fashion than him. He was very happy with what we selected together, and he told me he got lots of compliments!

    If I were you, I’d have fun with it! :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:43am

  44. 44: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    37: Siena

    I say bring on the shopping! However, I prefer to have a guy say “have fun shopping and hand me a Bergdorf card.” Hmmm, I might not have that happen again…it’s been a while…

    So,,, I’d take the guy shopping with me and we’d pick out something together. One fashion choice. I would not want a man to decide he could change my entire wardrobe. It’s up to you of course. Could be fun!

    That would be a way for me to learn more about a guy’s taste level and point-of-view.

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:44am

  45. 45: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah,

    My pleasure, you’re making me blush lol

    Remember that you guys just got off an… “off” period so don’t quickly accepted to see him, even if your not doing anything serious like talking to Obama, find something to do for you. So my advice would be not to see him tonite you can say something like ” i feel excited just thinking about seing you but i feel really tired and just want to go to bed early… can’t even hold the phone” and kaboom… wha!!! what’s going on here ??? she feels sleepy and won’t let me come over for not like even a second… cause she feels sleepy ! but i want to see her ! wha didn’t she at LEAST stay on the phone to talk to me ? i can’t wait to see if i’m gonna be able to see her tomorrow, i’m gonna drop the baseball game… i can watch it on youtube anyways ! and there you have a grown man who is eager to see you !

    Working out, shopping, taking baby out… good, very good ! you still can do better than that, try going to the spa, changing your hair color, go to the cinema, plan a day at the beach or karaoke night or do things that allows you to stay home if you feel like it : make soirees like pasta night, mexican/idian/italian food night, bingo night, horror movie night, monopoly night, scrable night… with your family that will keep you entertained, busy, happy and will bring you closer to your family has a bonus ! your baby will be there with you happy with the good vibe that will be around her. It won’t cause a lot of money and ask of you to go out of your way to keep your mind off of him when he’s not in front of you and didn’t make plans to see you. And YOUR vibe will be how it always should be, cool, relax and happy.
    There is so many fun and new things you can do for you ! even if you don’t have friends. when he calls you and hears you laughing like crazy and asking if he can call you later bcause your brother is going to cheat on scrable if you don’t watch him… eu… i would feel very happy to see you tonite but… you know, i don’t know at what time i’ll be free… after we are going to make pasta lol oh you wanna come over ? hum sure you can come !

    See… it’s not difficult and you will enjoy yourself.

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:48am

  46. 46: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL WIFE BEATERS ARE SEXY!!! Your breasts hang out! (LOL!)

    Honestly, when he says sexy, I think he means slutty. Because I DO wear trendy stuff, which is usually pretty sexy (I thought!)

    I always have a push up bra on, and wear lots of stylized tank tops with nothing over them, skinny jeans, strapless top or dress… and then whatever jewelry I feel good in.

    I also always have my makeup, hair and nails done… but I don’t need a lot of makeup and so don’t wear it.

    Why do I feel so much resistance to this!?

    The other day, getting my hair done, the hairdresser said just about the same thing to me. She asked how I wanted my hair styled, and I said, “whatever’s easy.” And she said, “Aw, come on! You gotta sex it up!”

    So this is a repeating message.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:49am

  47. 47: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    This is why I love this blog, because I can receive great feedback that challenges my beliefs.

    Brenda, it’s not a moral thing. It’s a “I feel exposed” thing. Honesty time here. I feel afraid of looking too good. My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense). So I dress down to match how I feel inside. I don’t want to deal with the attention I’d get if I dressed sexy when I’m outside the house. That attention scares and overwhelms me.

    I’m working on increasing my value – both in my personal and professional life. So this maybe is a manifestation of a way that I could do that. But it feels uncomfortable.

    SLV – LOL! I’d love to just get the card, but I’d come home with more of the same… not sexy! LOL!

    I love to hear that it feels romantic and fun to some! That’s not how I feel at all about it, but I would like to!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:55am

  48. 48: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    The talk about fashion resonates here. I need to revamp my look. As part of my CD “location scouting” I’d borrowed a book from the library with some fashion update ideas for ,, uh, uhmmm “Moms” with grown-up daughters. “Steal This Style” by Sherrie Mathieson.

    I hadn’t read the book but talk of shopping made me finally take a peek. I have discovered that what I am wearing right now looks very much like one of the “before” pics and it is described as “Little House on the Prairie.”

    I don’t usually wear long skirts; only doing it now because all jeans and pants i usually wear are in the laundry. Not that the tee shirts and tops I’ve been wearing are any more flattering. I could use some updating…

    Updating…for dating….for dating up… Am I riffing? :lol:

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:00am

  49. 49: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, maybe it’s time to let go of the limiting belief that you aren’t sexy as hell in your current clothes. I’ve seen your picture girl and conservative is NOT what I thought at all.

    I do feel curious what he means. I mean, I would feel curious about what my man means when he thinks “sexy”. And while I might change some of my style, what I wear is kind of a part of me. I would feel the same resistance mainly because I think I’m hella sexy right now. :-) I would feel surprised if a guy said that to me, like “you don’t think THIS is sexy?”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:01am

  50. 50: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    This explains the giver/taker nature of women vs. men:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNqnD6JaXq0&feature=related

    A woman needs to take what she needs from a man, instead of expecting to be given to her (which most of the time never happens). Women are givers by nature, unfortunately men aren’t wired the same way. Unless you ask, they don’t know they’re not giving you enough.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:01am

  51. 51: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’d be curious to uncover why he thinks XYZ is sexy? Like is it a fetish (innocent but can’t think of another word) type thing or does he just have some fantasy in his head? I think this could be really fun if I kept an open mind.

    And only do/wear what feels good.

    Being sexy, really owning it, can feel intimidating at first.

    I put on basic jeans and a pullover this morning. Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot”. And I mean that. :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:04am

  52. 52: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    SS – there’s a pic on my FB where I am trying to look sexy… and I just look dumb. I’m not knocking myself, but just telling the truth. I cover up sexy with “sweet” and “accommodating”.

    Blech.

    I feel curious what he means also. He’ll have to show me. I’m not sure that changing my clothes will make me sexier. I have a feeling it’s an inside-out job.

    ;-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:05am

  53. 53: DebbieNo Gravatar says:

    I’m brand new to this but I would be so grateful for any feedback on this.

    My BF of 4 years broke it off in Jan. It’s been a tough year. He has kept communicating with me in small ways, little emails, a phone message, but nothing that is particularly caring or thoughtful or that really asks or invites me. I’ve just stayed neutral and focused on my life and working on my own issues and have gotten involved with two amazing communities and programs. But he never really goes away. So about a month ago, I finally felt strong enough and made my own commitment that I don’t want a virtual relationship. So quietly, without saying anything, I “unfriended” him on FB. Last week, he sent a text saying that he’s been thinking about me and hopes I am well. There were no question marks. I’m am considering two options: no response, or the following, which for me feels like the first time I’ve been able to clearly identify what I want and how I feel.
    “I like hearing from you, but I don’t want a virtual relationship. I don’t want to feel unimportant, I feel frustrated with casual communication and I feel confused about your motives for connecting with me. What do you think?”
    I feel that if I send this I will at least really find out how important it might be to him to keep me in his life. I guess the bigger question is, what are my motives for sending this? I am always hopeful that he will “show up” in a quality way. I also can understand how powerful it is just to move on and see what the months ahead will reveal. We still both have to face our emotions around the holidays coming up… a time that was always very special for us…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:06am

  54. 54: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot”. And I mean that.”

    I would love to feel that way. Usually I just feel “oh well” when I look in the mirror.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:07am

  55. 55: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “Or does he just have some fantasy in his head?”

    LOL I’m absolutely 100%, totally, completely, positive he has a fantasy in his head… and he wants me to meet that. Intimidating is the right word!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:08am

  56. 56: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Idea – Ever seen those boudoir photography shots? I know there are a million photographers doing that now. I’ve always wondered if I’d have the nerve to do that. I’d love to do that for myself. Eek. Kind of scary!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:11am

  57. 57: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    48: Siena says:

    “I’m working on increasing my value.”</

    Ohhhhh, I like that! I'm going to make it one of my "mantras." "I'm working on increasing my value, I'm working on increasing my value."

    Or, "I have value. I'm working on expressing my value." I like this one too. I'm going to be thinking some of these things this afternoon. Thanks for the jumpstart. I'm going to play with these words a little.

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:11am

  58. 58: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh man, I’ve always wanted to do a shot like that too! Like the ones that Erika Awakening had done! Or give my man as a Christmas present a calendar – with a pic of “sexy” me for each month!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:12am

  59. 59: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I cover up my sexy with the sweet and innocent thing too. I just told a girlfriend that I have no other photo look except a smile. She just posted a collage picture of her with all these looks (all non-smiling). I’m going to practice them!

    I’m practicing conjuring up an image in my head to correspond with the expression I want. For sexy, well it’s… ummm yeah. :-) Or wait, what’s the emotican for sexy? LOL!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:13am

  60. 60: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Emotican? Emoticon. Hahaha!

    And yes to the calendar thing. I get turned on just imagining my guy seeing me like that!

    Ok, gotta run. Siena, I think this sounds like great fun and intimidating. Just the right mix to keep you off balance. That feels exciting!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:15am

  61. 61: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @52: Simply Shannon says:
    “Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot…”

    I caught myself in the mirror too but I only thought: “Damn!” So gonna have to change up a few things. :shock:

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:16am

  62. 62: DebbieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi I’m new to this and would be grateful for any feedback!

    My BF of 4 years broke up with me in Jan. It’s been a long year but I pretty much focused on myself, got involved with two great communities and feel overall back in my own life. Meanwhile, he hasn’t really gone away. He every few weeks sends a casual email, or text or call. For a while, I felt like responding but I have overall remained quite neutral. About a month ago, I realized that all these casual communications felt bad and I made a commitment to myself that I didn’t want a virtual relationship. I quietly without saying anything “unfriended” him on FB and decided to myself that I am only interested in quality, caring and thoughtful relationships and communications. Last week, he sent a text saying that he was thinking about me and hoped I was well. No question marks there. I see two options. One no response, OR the following response, which feels to me the first time I would clearly be communicating to him what I want, don’t want and how I feel:
    “I like hearing from you, but I don’t want a virtual relationship. I don’t want to feel unimportant, I feel frustrated with casual communication and I feel confused about your motives for connecting with me. What do you think?”
    Part of me would love to have the information of his response. I guess the bigger questions is, what are my own motives for connecting….
    Any suggestions are so welcome!!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:24am

  63. 63: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Okay I’ve done the sexy photos, LOTS of them. I took them way far into totally raunchy. I even did close up feefee part shots. Anyone who has read my book knows all about this.
    The graphic ones I did by myself (really hard to do).
    With the other ones, it’s great fun if you have a photographer (a woman please) with whom you can feel more comfortable. Yes it feels weird and scary at first. For me I never totally at ease, but it was fun. The response I received was well worth it. I have done two books and two additional DVDs, assorted random shots I have left on the computer as well as a few video clips.
    I highly recommend it to any and all.
    As for dressing sexy vs. dressing slutty. Sexy come from within as you said Siena. If you can feel that inside, you will still exude sexy when you are eighty and saggy and wrinkly.
    Dressing sexy by exposing flesh, even though it’s a lovely dress, for example the case I’m thinking of was a colorful, floaty sundress that was low cut and fitted around the boobies, can attract unwanted attention. Slutty could be worse, yet some women like this kind of attention, so….
    Made me feel really, really uncomfortable though, and I went right into feeling self-conscious.
    If you feel sexy, you will BE sexy. Take Shannon’s suggestion. Tell yourself this EVERY day. Eventually you’ll begin to believe it.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:31am

  64. 64: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so panicky!!!

    i am going out with a guy from work tonight. we’ve had a flirtation for a long time and we both just got out of relationships with bad breakups.

    i have had a crazy burst of feelings over the past half hour…fear, anxiety that i’m going to end up being bored of him because he is a nice guy and not a toxic man, feeling sick to my stomach, grief over my last relationship (with another guy from work), missing him SO much physically…all i can think about is waking up in his bed, even though i haven’t missed him like that in a long time and he was very angry and very unloving towards the end…

    i feel really out of sorts. i did a bunch of eft, but i still feel super-nauseated. sigh.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:36am

  65. 65: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    You said, “I feel afraid of looking too good. My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense). So I dress down to match how I feel inside. I don’t want to deal with the attention I’d get if I dressed sexy when I’m outside the house. That attention scares and overwhelms me.”

    I totally relate, because there was a time I was slender, too. I say, “Fake it til you make it!” I started dressing sexy (at that time I was bordering on really exposing myself, but not any more, even if I were slender again). My self-esteem didn’t match my looks, but my looks and getting noticed helped me work on my inner looks.

    I want to give the quote Erika shared with us that has meant so much to me, and it totally applies here:

    Debbie Ford:
    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us. It’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    What do you think n feel?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:45am

  66. 66: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Sienna,

    Didn’t dig the “My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense)” comment at all !!! I understand what you’re sayin but it sure doesn’t make any sense to me. Your self esteem is your everything, work on it girl !
    Instead of trying to guess “what he meant by that” next time you talk to him you can say something like : ” i’ve been thinking about what u said about taking me shopping , i really appreciate it ! but i don’t want to change the way i look just to please somebody else but at the same time…it would feel good to me to go shopping with someone that will really help me choose the clothes that fits me and why not make me feel sexy and good about myself… what do you think ? ”
    See ? you turned this sexy shopping thing on YOU, that will force him to focus on YOU and not a piece of *** with some skanky nigth gown on just so that he can enjoy the view and you also made him understand without having to tell him what he should do that you won’t change how you dress for him…. no cuz ! keep dreaming… that you don’t have a problem with him taking you shopping for sexy clothes and stuff but what will matter at the end of the day is that you feel sexy and comfortable at the same time in those clothes … not him but you… cause what if he wants you to dress like Frankenstein’s wife or like the matrix reloaded lady…what will you do than ?
    You can’t please everybody and don’t have too.
    This is an opportunity for you to create a close and intimate moment with a man while at the same time being true to yourself !
    And listen, you don’t like to wear sexy clothes… so what ??? feeling sexy is something that is very personnal and depens on the person’s taste. I thought King Kong was sexy… and those yellow eyes…. miam, but not everybody did and that’s just fine like that.

    Go to a fashion store try different clothes on… and fing what feels sexy to YOU. Free the sexy siren that is inside of you.

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:48am

  67. 67: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe…

    “I thought King Kong was sexy… and those yellow eyes…. ”

    LOL! Love it! :lol:

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:56am

  68. 68: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda

    loooool yeah i like to think i’m funny ! sometimes.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:58am

  69. 69: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .

    …I’m gonna change the way I strut my stuff…

    Shelley Winters – There’ll Be Some Changes Made [from "Playgirl" 1954] vid 2:25 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcNQipYOk3Q

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:59am

  70. 70: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s some gem of wisdom from Chris Rock :):

    “Pussy costs money, dick is free. Any money you spend on dick is a bad investment. ‘Cause when it comes to women and money, I tell you right now: nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There’s something about women reaching for their wallet that dries up their vagina! It’s almost like the wallet sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy getting wet for! And even later when you go the gynecologist, she’s like: Oh my God, you’ve been paying for shit!!! Another $500 you’re gonna be menopause.”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:12am

  71. 71: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I believe Chris Rock!!

    The only thing I disagree with is the reference to menopause (but I realize it’s for effect)

    all menopause means is that you stopped having periods, not that you lost your mojo! I am sexier now than I was twenty years ago.

    Going out on a circular date tonight!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:21am

  72. 72: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, go shop! Let this man give you attention, like the siren you are. You will discover something about You and perhaps Him, too! Use it as an experiment to boost you. You do not have to agree with him, or buy what he wants, solely. You have an opinion and final say on the purchases.

    Also, be careful that he does not want to buy your affection. Does he show you he cares, otherwise? Or is he doing this because he needs to give too much??
    This brings us back to the post topic.

    If you are hearing this from two sources, others are realizing something you are ignoring! Beauty does come from within. Practice being beautiful!

    A good male friend of mine is dating a woman who he really likes, and she is pretty. But he can’t stand her uber casual style, so he has talked at length to me about it as he respects my fashion sense, and he wanted to be ginger with her feelings on this. So we came up with a plan of action for him. He was very careful with her, shopped with her a few times, simply pointing out what he likes as he sees it, and gave her compliments, such as “this would be super on you!” and later, for birthday, he bought her presents, without her, and a gift certificate to an upscale women’s clothing store for her special day, and they went to the store together to pick out the items. This woman definitely has a self-confidence issue and is concerned with her flaws. He barely notices them, he just wanted her to look a bit more hip and attractive as he sees her on the inside!

    Hopefully, this man will be ginger with you, too! Enjoy!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:35am

  73. 73: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all for your feedback.

    I feel sad hearing that now I have to work on myself to be sexy. Let’s see, that means, I have to work on: my body to be fit, my hair and makeup to always look put together, my money consciousness to bring in more clients and money, my self esteem to be sexier and more attractive.

    I’m starting to wonder if I have anything worthwhile going for me!

    Please, no one comment on that – I’ve just decided to throw a pity party for myself. I just want to work through these feelings and release them without anyone trying to make me feel better.

    I almost don’t want to post this because I hate feeling “poor me”. But I’m gonna do it anyway so that it can leave me…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:36am

  74. 74: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Chris Rock is a riot!

    Good for you Life is too short, with a newbie CD for today!

    Im- forget the past! Be happy! Focus on the moment when you are in the moment. Do not project what you cannot predict. Why panic over nothing? Lean back, and try to have fun! Just BE. And be open to the possibilities!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:42am

  75. 75: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    It occurs to me that my resistance to this is just another shade of my feelings of anger against masculine men… the reason I came to this blog many many moons ago.

    He wants to shop for me, he wants to take care of me, give me money, protect me… all good things! And on the outside, it’s great! But I feel really weird being taken care of in that way by another person. I have always taken care of myself, although I’ve HATED that I had to.

    So now I’m receiving what I asked for, but it doesn’t quite look like I thought it would, and it feels uncomfortable.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:45am

  76. 76: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    I know none of us are saying you are not good enough. Is that your NVs speaking? Give them a cookie and send them to the corner!

    You are wonderful, xactly the way you are!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:48am

  77. 77: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Now I’m just spamming the blog, getting it all out there…

    Here’s another thing. The other night – as we were gazing into each other’s eyes he said, “you look REALLY tired.”

    LOL. I laughed and said, “You’re supposed to say I look ravishing”

    I thought about that afterward, and it’s true. I feel very tired of doing it all myself. I really do want to be taken care of and feel some of the “fat” of life. I’ve been living lean for so long, I’m tired.

    I feel afraid that if I stop now I’ll lose what I have built… I think I’m gonna book a massage.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:49am

  78. 78: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren, yes – my NVs. I know everything here that was said to me was said out of love and honesty.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:50am

  79. 79: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #69 Katrina
    OMG gurl………LMAO…so true…Thank you! Great comedy is always because there is a ring of truth in what is funny! Muuuuuhah……….

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  80. 80: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear All,
    I have a question- how do we differentiate expectations from pre-conditions in a relationship (with regard to receiving) ??? If I wanted a man to gift me gifts and take me out and spend for me on dinners and coffee, and if I felt bitter and resentful that he did not do that, is it becasue of my expecation? Or is it becasue he failed to meet the precondition to make me feel good and wanted?
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:52am

  81. 81: lmNo Gravatar says:

    that chris rock joke will make it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pick up the cheque tonight! thanks!!! :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:53am

  82. 82: lmNo Gravatar says:

    thanks denise! i feel much much better now…!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:53am

  83. 83: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, the first thing that came to my mind about the wardrobe issue was that one of the first signs of an abusive boyfriend is that he asks the girl to wear different clothes. And the fact that you mention your self-esteem being an issue . . . fits right into that dynamic.

    On the other hand, it could be completely innocent. I’m not judging him or you — just pointing out something that is often a classic warning sign. Have you seen the movie, “Reviving Ophelia”? It is a powerful movie that chronicles the subtle progression of abuse.

    I feel scared posting this. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me for it. :( I don’t want to trigger anyone. And hopefully Mover Man is just a wonderful man with an innocent idea and it will all be fun and full of love.

    Love,
    Lucy

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:54am

  84. 84: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, your post is part of what is triggering me. I feel afraid of surrendering to that level of care giving because… what if he IS abusive!? What if it is a control issue with him?

    Where’s the line between a masculine man who genuinely wants to protect and provide for a woman – and one who wants to control?

    I mean, there is a certain amount of surrender that is required when I encounter a man like this, and I don’t want it to fall into an abusive pattern.

    On another post, I wrote about “Strong surrender.” I know how to do the forward leaning, “I’ve got my armor on” protecting myself bit… but I’m not sure if I have the “I’m strong and can surrender to you even if you turn out to be abusive” thing.

    That, in a nutshell, is why I dated weak men for so long. I always knew I could “handle” them.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:01pm

  85. 85: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …what I meant was, “I can do the strong surrender thing, and then still leave with my whole self intact if you turn out to be abusive”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:03pm

  86. 86: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – You gots the rose remedy. Go take some please.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:06pm

  87. 87: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Katarina — Chris rock speaks the truth! lol.

    I like the bit he does about women living on only 2 things — compliments and shoes…there’s a certain truth to that as well :D.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:06pm

  88. 88: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee, #79 my feeling is – he is showing you who he is. You can make the decision of whether the way that he dates you makes you feel good or not. You can’t change him. Another man would LOVE to spend money on you and buy you gifts and dinner. Some men do, some men don’t.

    So you have the choice to either decide that you don’t need gifts and dinners bought for you – and then never feel bad about it. Or you decide that you DO need those things, and find a man who does it.

    Or – just continue to CD this one, and practice saying what you really want and feel – while you date others and experience being wined and dined.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:07pm

  89. 89: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – LOL. I just did. Thank you :-) xoxoxo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:09pm

  90. 90: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, I feel relieved that my words were heard in the spirit of love in which they were written.

    Maybe this is a good time to stop analyzing, and tune in to your intuition . . . the place inside where you can trust YOURSELF to keep you safe, each step of the way. What do you think?

    The mistake I made was letting other people talk me out of what my intuition was telling me.

    Love and hugs to you, wonderful, beautiful, sexy Siena. <3

    Lucy

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:14pm

  91. 91: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I am missing Blondie today…I really am. I know I’ve got this date tomorrow with a man (I’ll call him RR) who makes more money and is (at least at this point) totally into me, but it’s Blondie that I want and at this point, I don’t think he gives a sh*t about me…haven’t heard from him today at all and this will be the first time since we’ve been dating that I haven’t heard from him for the whole day…tears starting to form because I know things are fading away for him…I can actually “feel” them fading away for him right now and it feels awful…

    Trying to catch up with work and do nice things for myself today…had botox and a brow wax and now I need to go shopping for a client’s project, which will be somewhat absorbing, but he’s not far from my thoughts…I don’t think it helps that I wore his t-shirt that I slept in last time I stayed at his house today…it reeks of him and that memory is powerful.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:15pm

  92. 92: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, just now… right before I looked at your post, and right after I took some of Tinque’s Rose remedy… I said to myself, “you’re analyzing this WAY too much, and it’s driving you crazy. Stop it.”

    I CAN trust myself. I’m strong, capable, and highly intuitive.

    Thank you Lucy!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:17pm

  93. 93: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, what does the rose remedy do?

    I love what you wrote about taking pictures. Last year when I got a great new cell phone with camera, I used it to take hundreds of sexy pics of myself — I was amazed at how hot I looked! Hehe. [embarrassed to say that about myself]

    I found it to be a fun, easy, and rewarding experience!

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  94. 94: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    wooooow, you made a good point ! i haven’t thought of THAT side of things…it is true that in some cases abusive relationships starts like that but i also think that somebody can try to change you all they want or force you to do things you don’t want too but if you stick to yourself like white on rice from the start, if he is an abuser he will let this and you go.
    But if he “feels” that insecurity, that second-guessing, analyzing everything something else says, or thinking wayyyy too much about what he meant when he said ” babe it’s maybe time for a wax” or “some people don’t realise when they look ridic” but his eyes are locked on your hair… and you quickly jump or go over and over in your head with what he said- does that mean he doesn’t like my hair-should i change my hair-or get an extension-or should i clue a bird’s feather on my hair- what i try teh Donald Trump haircut… you think he doesn’t sees that but he so does ! and that’s how everything start he starts to control you slowly because he knows how insecure yo u feel and than some day he beats you up like your a punching bag because you don’t you liked it when he farts next to you….

    You’re driving your brain tweezy over something that a man said… and that you don’t even know what it means !
    Relax Sienna

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  95. 95: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, yes you are, and yes you can. :)

    You are welcome! <3

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:22pm

  96. 96: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    haha thanks Pepe. I didn’t answer your earlier post directly, but I DID talk to him about it, asked him what it meant… the whole feeling message conversation. We had a long conversation about it.

    But I still felt triggered by it, which is why I came here. I’m working on my self esteem. It’s tons better than it used to be!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:24pm

  97. 97: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …and now… off to my massage. Good thing I’m rich! ;-)

    Thank you lovely Sirens for helping me through this tough morning.

    …and everyone, grill Tinque about her Rose remedy and other awesome products that she has. I received a bunch of them in the mail yesterday and I am absolutely, totally 100% in love with them! Talk about feeling like a Siren! Wow!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:26pm

  98. 98: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    RE: #85 – What’s the rose remedy?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:39pm

  99. 99: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Right on: “Maybe this is a good time to stop analyzing, and tune in to your intuition . . . the place inside where you can trust YOURSELF to keep you safe, each step of the way. What do you think?

    The mistake I made was letting other people talk me out of what my intuition was telling me.”

    Hey, I have a mental hangup about contacting Hawk, my new CD, and changing the date so we are free to go on Wed the 20th to the POF event. There I just forced myself to email him, asking if we can meet this weekend instead of the 20th.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:45pm

  100. 100: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#87
    Siena, He is no more in my life. So I really do not have to take any actions. The reason why I asked this question is different.
    I felt intrigued when I read what Rori wrote about expecations. I had this man man in my life who did nothing (literally nothing) to make me feel good or wanted. By talking about coffee and dinners I was not talking about the money factor, but was looking at them as gestures of wanting spend time with me.
    When I pointed out this issue, he always said the problem is not with him not doing what he should do, but the problem is with my expectations.

    It might sound funny- I don’t have a problem with term “expectations” per se. But I feel uneasy when I hear a man use it- because most of the time they use it to make excuses for not doing things
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:51pm

  101. 101: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, if he can’t change your date, I’m fine with skipping the pof event. Other things will come along. <3

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 12:56pm

  102. 102: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been on a new paid site for about 3 weeks now, bbpeoplemeet, for BBWs. Most of the men send a flirt instead of a message. And when they do email me, so far, out of many, none at all have ever made a move to call me or ask me out.

    Do men send you all winks and flirts instead of messages? Are they a bunch of wimps? I feel really disappointed and I already quit the site about a week ago, so my membership will end after a month. Ugh I am getting to detest internet dating.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:02pm

  103. 103: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I usually just ignore the winks — unless he looks like someone I would REALLY be interested in — which has happened maybe once or twice.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:04pm

  104. 104: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    RE: #97 – You mean he wouldn’t even take you out for coffee? He was being a total loser. Or he didn’t want to be seen with you in public. I dated a man a few years ago, and he only wanted to meet at my house or his. Then he admitted one night that he felt attracted to me, but he felt embarrassed being seen with a woman who was overweight. I felt like a piece of shit.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:05pm

  105. 105: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I was not saying I didn’t want to go to the POF event. I just was having a hard time contacting Hawk to cancel. I already did it. I am still going to the POF event. Are you?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:06pm

  106. 106: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I was ignoring the winks on this site until I realized nothing would go anywhere if I did. I am just glad the membership will die.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:07pm

  107. 107: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I just meant that if for whatever reason, you and he need to stick with the original date — like if he emails back and says Wednesday was the only free spot he has for awhile or something — I won’t feel bad.

    But if it still works out, YES, I’d love to go with you! :)

    Did you say it was a 50′s thing? Are we supposed to wear 50′s clothes? What are you wearing? :D

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:17pm

  108. 108: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, we took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have sen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:27pm

  109. 109: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    No, it’s 50s in the sense of being for singles age 50 and over!

    He emailed me back and that’s his only time slot open for a while. But I still don’t want to miss the POF event. I wasn’t that attracted to him, and he said he will wait for another time.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  110. 110: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, we took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have sen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:36pm

  111. 111: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “Tinque, what does the rose remedy do?”

    The remedies I make are flower remedies, like the Back Flower Remedies if you are familiar with those.
    I make them from flowers I grow in my garden.
    Rose is for opening and expanding the heart.
    My favorite is Lemon Balm which is for feeling deserving of love, by self and others. I ran out of this one, and my back stock spoiled, so I use rose instead with actually the same results, so…
    Love is love I suppose.
    I make others as well.
    Like with any remedies, you want to take them as needed, or if you feel you need them consistently, take a week or so break every month or so.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:40pm

  112. 112: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, he took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have seen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:41pm

  113. 113: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I disagree with Pepe about men noticing if you’re feefee needs waxing or if your hair is askew or anything YOU might think is unattractive.
    A good guy will likely NOT notice, and if you bring it up, he will at you sideways. If he does happen to notice, he SO won’t care. He will probably deem it cute or endearing.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:42pm

  114. 114: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    :( :(
    I posted somethinh. But it says my comment is awaiting moderation. What does that mean?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  115. 115: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe and Tinque,

    I think a good man who truly loves you won’t notice those things. I knew an abused woman whose marriage didn’t last, and he beat her down. One of her comments was, “I’m too hairy.” Other women I’ve talked to said their man said, “Oh, please don’t trim your hair! I like you hairy!” It all depends on taste and level of love. I want to marry a man who is very accepting.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:49pm

  116. 116: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    Thanks! Sounds lovely! I bet you have a cookie remedy, too, to feed to the NVs when they get out of hand! :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:49pm

  117. 117: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    Did you post a website? Sometimes they get put in moderation. If you are using words like Jes*s, F*ck, etc, you need to use an asterisk or something or it will go in moderation.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:50pm

  118. 118: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda
    Oh okay okay
    I used Jes*s. That is why. Will remove that and post it again
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:53pm

  119. 119: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I never heard a vagina called a feefee before! This is embarrassing and funny! My Mom and I have had a nickname for each other for years: Oofie. Sometimes we do a variation of it and call each other feefee! LOL! No more!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:54pm

  120. 120: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, he took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have seen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jes*s, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 1:54pm

  121. 121: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    If I have to delete a comment I have posted, how do I do it?
    Sorry, this shows the extent of my ignorance :)
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:00pm

  122. 122: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    Eeewww! That man is sick! What a jerk! It was totally him, not you! The way we have discussed handling it here is a feeling message something like this:

    I want to be romanced. It would feel so good to be wined and dined. What do you think?

    You have every right to expect that. I have found just by accident that a way of separating quality men from non-quality men is if I hold off having sex with them. If a man truly wants a long term relationship, and he is truly selfless and about you, he will not pressure you for sex from the door.

    If a man wants sex on the first or second date, who is he about pleasing? Himself. If he asks for sex and I say no and he stops dating me, it proves he was about sex, not about me. If he asks for sex and I say no and he still dates me, he is worth taking a sexond, I mean, second look at. If he talks about hanging out at my place and not taking me out, most likely he is after sex.

    Ryan was an exception to that, and I’m sure there are others. Ryan mostly had dates at my house for privacy (he lives with his parents) and because he doesn’t have much money, so he couldn’t afford to take me out much.

    I am setting my sights higher and higher. I want to be treated like a lady. I want to feel respected and esteemed and romanced.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:03pm

  123. 123: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    First of all, please don’t put yourself down, and please don’t apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong: “Sorry, this shows the extent of my ignorance”

    I don’t know how to delete a comment. I think only Rori can do that.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:04pm

  124. 124: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Along the lines of being esteemed, now I am glad that I canceled my date Wed. He said he was doing some work in my area that day. So he would have been all sweaty and dirty. And not making any effort to go out of his way for me. And I didn’t like it when he ended his email saying, “Let me ask you a question. Do people have sex anymore?” It was totally out of place. We had discussed nothing of sex thus far, which is one reason I was interested in him. I just don’t like to feel like a f*cking rabbit. Like a male rabbit spots a female rabbit and all he thinks is “F*CK!!!!”

    I’m a human being. I want to be esteemed as a human being. I am capable of more than animalistic behavior. I want to find a man that is, too. So far, Ryan is about the only man I’ve dated who didn’t try to use me for his own physical pleasure. He truly is looking for a partner for life. I miss him and today is Day 12. :-(

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:12pm

  125. 125: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,
    I too will love it when I am treated like a lady, when I feel romanced and respected and esteemed. But I think I have forgotten what does it feel like. Almost 3 years I spent stuck with this man made me forget all those. I do not want to blame him for this- I could have walked out the first time when he did it. I do not want to blame myself for it either. I did not know (till I came to know about Rori and this space) that I was being treated badly. I was good at finding excuses for people. I was good at tolerating bad behavior and then think that it shows my strength and ability to understand people.

    But now that I have realized it for what it is, realized him for what he is, I can start fresh.

    But what do I do with memories? I have bad bad memories which makes me shudder and feel awful at the very thought of it.

    Does Rori have any post on bad memories? and how to deal with them?

    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:22pm

  126. 126: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    MeeMee – What thoughts you hold is a choice. You can choose to remember, or you can choose to push the memory away.
    Not the feelings though. Feel those, but the thoughts can be discarded.
    It may not be easy at first. You may have to push them away every other second. If you prefer you can shush them or yell at them or put your hand over their mouths or ignore them, but the more you do this, the easier it will become.
    And one day the memories will no longer have a hold on you.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  127. 127: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    Do people have sex anymore ? looool come on !
    it’s not like he said YOU don’t have sex… like never ?
    Remember rori says not to care too much about what they say. He’s a guy and they tend to make sexual jokes but of course u’re the one who has to press the pause button when they go all wild with it or when you feel derespected… i would have laugh and say something like well you never know there’s less everything these days less jobs etc and turn the conversation around.
    And yes he didn’t go out of his way for you this time but maybe he will next time and he did take the time to explain why he wouldn’t be able to see you… lame excuse or not, you should appreciate that because some them don’t even bother.

    i don’t like to feel like a effin rabbit either lol

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  128. 128: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,
    What do you mean by pushing a memory away? Is it same as running away from a memory? That is what I do. When I get reminded of certain things, I immediately start reading, or go smoke a cigarrette, do some physical work and divert my attention. But when that memory breaks in the second time, it comes with double the force. Diverting it makes it difficult when I have to actually face it- like when I travel and I can not physically move around, or when I do not have a book with me etc
    Meemee

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:39pm

  129. 129: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe,

    Yes, it was nice that he explained his schedule. And his sex question came out of nowhere. I really don’t know what was in his mind when he said it. Most likely he just missed sex and wondered when he’d ever have sex again when he doesn’t even have time to develop a relationship.

    Meemee,

    When I have bad thoughts and memories, I gently replace them with a happy thought or a happy memory. It works well to focus on the beauty around you in the moment, and then you are living, not remembering. Or to touch something soft, so your sense are involved in living in the present.

    I used to be routinely treated badly by men because I didn’t know any better. It felt normal. I still have to catch myself.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:47pm

  130. 130: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    MeeMee – If the memory comes back with double force, then you have not felt the feelings that go with.
    It’s very important to feel your feelings fully. They will change to another maybe better feeling feeling eventually, sooner if you allow them.
    The thoughts are a by product. Those you can push away.
    xxoo

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:51pm

  131. 131: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    My advice to you would be to take those awful memories of yours and use them has a guide, to treat yourself better and not tolerate those behaviors from anybody else anymore,to remind yourself how you felt bad, sad or angry, humiliated when this and that happened and that you won’t let that happen to you again, you have to convince yourself that you won’t be a victim anymore and remember that this happened in the past and meemee will start to say NO esse ! i won’t let this or that happened again to me again, been there-done that…

    Don’t try to block those memories… use them to help yourself have boundaries.

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 2:52pm

  132. 132: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I highly recommend having a fling with a married man – WOW! my guy came back. Awesome! I have learned so much from him in our completely sexual relationship – it is all about my pleasure. He will do anything to give me pleasure. It is so funny!!! I remember that from when we began back in January – everything is about my pleasure – I can have anything and everything I like from him. And no demands, no strings, no drama, I can just be me and as much of a wanton woman as I like. This is great!!! It takes all the pressure off of everything. I feel so wonderful.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:07pm

  133. 133: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel mad and annoyed. I leave to get my hair did and ufff… All this brain thinking about clothes and shopping and twisting something into a big scary thing before it even happens. Note: I know everyone is in process. I get that. And I still feel annoyed.

    Why can’t it just be a shopping trip to find out what makes this man’s brain click? With the wonderful added benefit that I get beautiful clothes out the deal. Like shopping for plates or houses or whatever. I’d like to know what you think mister. What turns you on mister. Does he like argyle prints or bright colors? Does he favor black or gray or brown? Finding out what he likes doesn’t mean I have to change one bit.

    I don’t want to crawl inside his brain RIGHT NOW when he’s not present to answer the questions. WHEN I’m shopping with him, I can check how I feel about what he’s doing, what we’re doing. If I start feeling weird, I can say “hey, I feel weird about this right now. What do you think?”

    Yea, I feel tired of the mind masturbation. Gonna sign up for Match again tonight. Eeek. I feel scared but I want some real life practice.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:28pm

  134. 134: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Lizzie girl, I’m gonna stand back and hold space for you my love because my judgments just smacked me da face.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:31pm

  135. 135: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    lizzie,

    When i see a married man i run like all hell broke loose ! but that’s me and i’m just sayin..
    But the fact that you don’t EXPECT anything from him is the key senoritas to radiate that vibe that man crave for, married or not ! and that married man will jump off a plane to be with you because of that… because he doesn’t feel like you need him and that’s good that you’re learning that from that experience.

    Keep up the good work and… i don’t know… enjoy

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:31pm

  136. 136: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    lizzie,

    That married man… is his name…never mind

    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:36pm

  137. 137: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “That married man… is his name…never mind”

    Hehe, yeah, I’m thinking it might be my ex-h . . . sounds a lot like him! Yummy sex, all about my pleasure! That is, when he wasn’t with other women…… :D

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:41pm

  138. 138: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, wouldn’t that be wild if it really WAS him??? Lizzie, do you live in Canada? he travels there a lot.

    What’s going on with Family Guy?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:44pm

  139. 139: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #21 SLV

    HA HA HA!!! I expect you contacted him right away – what fun :D

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 3:59pm

  140. 140: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #42 Brenda

    OK you got me again!!

    “Let’s see, you’re the one who was wearing a “wife beater” a few months ago, right? ”

    What does this mean?

    I’m not sure how I would feel if a man wanted to take me clothes shopping, sure I wouldn’t mind him spending his money on me :) but I don’t think I would like a man choosing what I should or shouldn’t wear- it feels controlling TO ME, mmmmm

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:13pm

  141. 141: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    You know what? I kind of use my bad memories after I have felt bad and sad, and laugh. I cannot believe I made a broken-down man into a Prince. Then, I let him give me crumbs, gave him jewels in return and THEN he walked away. I am that powerful (or the man-crack is that powerful). I can turn a pig into a Prince. It just makes me laugh now. Every once in a while I get a twinge of pain, but mostly I am laughing at how crazy in love I could fall with a pig. A real pig would be safer – I may be on the look out for a real pig that does not smell too much. I will keep you posted.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:16pm

  142. 142: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    traaaaalaaaalaaaaaaa

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:25pm

  143. 143: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    hahahaaa lol! rofl,

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z81OqfnhotQ&NR=1

    thx Kat

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  144. 144: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Profile idea – I don’t generally include any other details in my profile other than the main story (below). Last time was a list of my simple pleasures and that was awesome. Looking for something fresh. What do ya’ll think? Totally going for feeling messages this time. Start things off right. :-)
    ********************************
    I feel inspired…
    “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” Francis Chan.

    I feel smiley…
    How do you make a tissue dance?
    You put a little boogie in it.

    I feel invigorated…
    The warm sun, a sandy beach, new adventures.

    I feel happy and amazing love…
    My family, my friends, my church.

    I feel excited…
    You.

    What do you think?
    *************************

    Yes/No/Maybe. Check one and pass the note to me after class.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:30pm

  145. 145: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    lmao!!!!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWbxk3827O4&NR=1&feature=fvwp

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:32pm

  146. 146: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    hhhhhaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa
    “TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..”

    LOL!!! HAHAHA

    OMG………

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZsNh0DYmqg&NR=1

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:41pm

  147. 147: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #133 Lizzie

    As much as I love you, I don’t love your post :(

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:52pm

  148. 148: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #142 Amy F.

    :D Love your recipe, how to turn a pig into a Prince in a few easy steps LOL!!

    And you know it IS really funny when you think of it, my God I have been so blind all these year………but no more thanks to RR and you Sirens :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 4:57pm

  149. 149: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Life_is_to_short_to. . .

    I love this part of your post: “I am so glad that I am aware enough to catch myself in the act of overfunctioning, leaning forward and trying to be in control, lecturing and sounding like a school marm or somebody’s old auntie.”

    Catching yourself in the act is HUGE!! Truly a huge WIN!! CELEBRATE!!

    That is how we all shift our behavior. Sounds like you are on the right track.

    CDing is there for you to learn and discover about YOU! Rori says use all men for your own custom tailored therapy – my husband and I simply shorten to say “Date to Discover – about yourself!” Take the focus off of “him” (whichever him is present at the time) and put that focus on YOU.

    You can watch us talk about Date to Discover at youtube-dot-com/user/ornaandmatthew

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:22pm

  150. 150: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Married-guy? Well there are a few things that make this work:
    - when I met him, I was not really wanting to have a relationships but I wanted to feel like a woman without having all the pressures
    - I am focused on my huge debt and don’t feel like I should be bringing that into a new relationship – I learned that from a potential relationship that went off the rails last year because – I have one child that is a serious competitor and this is very demanding of my time; my business is still embryonic and needs a lot of my time; my kids are younger and have special needs – again another big time demand; I am centrally focused on debt reduction and so my business does need to come first – like I will be working all weekend this weekend. So fitting in the time to build a relationship just is too much for me.
    - I wanted something where I would feel liberated, safe, adored, wanted….I get all of that
    - I wanted someone smart…I get all of that
    - I wanted to feel all woman…I get all of that
    - I didn’t want to worry about the “why are you working so much????” pressure I get with an available man
    - the men I have met in the last 4 years are well beyond the life stage that I am in so I ended up feeling like I would never meet someone
    - the man who found me, and pursued me, just wants me – this is such a great feeling!
    - this man is happily married and loves his wife – she just doesn’t have the physical stamina to meet his need – he never talks about her and I won’t let him say a single disparaging word about her. Odd as it might sound, I would actually tell her he loves her a great deal and that they should not split up if it ever came to that. And if it did, I would not want him (because he doesn’t play golf! – well, not really that, but because he will always have someone on the side and that wouldn’t work for me.)
    - I like him and he seriously turns me on, but there is no real spark or emotional connection between us – I don’t pine for him, have wishful thinking, want to see him all the time etc. Once he asked that I have dinner out with him and I turned him down because I didn’t want to take his time away from his kids
    - I carry a torch for Family Guy!
    - It was interesting for me today to deeply reflect on how I really feel when I am with him and about the “relationship” from a new Rori tools point of view. I felt neutral, I still feel neutral while I am typing all of this. I feel free of any investment; I feel all woman who has been very nicely looked after; even the sex, the energy, the sense of connectedness was completely different than from the time I have spent with Family Guy.
    - now I find this incredibly interesting- the CD guys feel the same as married-guy! I kinda feel nothing for them. But the CD guys don’t even have sex appeal. As I write this, I am feeling how married-guy has a kinda animal sex appeal – his appeal to me is deeply guttural and physical; my recent dates are animal-repulsive (that sounds harsh, but all that means is that I don’t want to touch them at all so it is a kind of back-off feeling), and family guy is all encompassing intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically sexy to me. I am so amazed at how different these feelings are!
    - so in the end, married-guy is temporary, it is all physical, and all learning for me.
    - Family guy is still in the other city – I am looking forward to seeing him – experiencing him – I want to experience the change in my vibe

    Sister sirens – I appreciate what I am sharing can be a difficult thing for those of us wishing our ex partners didn’t cheat – I was there as well and it was another man and I sent him on a 1-week vacation with my husband!!!- triggers all around! So lets drink wine and eat chocolate. I appreciate your holding the space for my own learning and maybe a bit of learning for some of the others here.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:26pm

  151. 151: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel compassion and concern for his wife and kids.

    I feel sad.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:40pm

  152. 152: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    So do I. And I don’t take any time from his wife and kids – ever – I have control of that. From what I have seen, he is a really wonderful involved father – he plays and coaches his kids team sports etc etc. How he is within his family is his issue and it is none of my business. This is one of the most important learning lessons I have taken away. Rori’s lesson on what is my business and what is his business truly plays out in this relationship – I am trying to bring that learning into my other relationships. What is it – staying on my bridge?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 5:49pm

  153. 153: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Here I am now in a this is what I am learning about myself mode –
    - I can feel receiving what a man gives me
    - I can feel open and express my needs in a relationship
    - I can feel safe in my own self and space – I don’t need that to be created by someone else
    - I can feel selfish about meeting my own needs
    - can feel respected by someone who is not invested in me
    - I can safely not invest in an outcome for real, not just by wishful thinking
    - I am learning about what is truly important to me and why
    - I can feel the difference in the energy from the men and how that meshes with my energy and shows me more of what is important
    - this is amazing!
    - I am not sure if I will see married-guy again; I have no need to; I have learned what I needed to learn and I am at peace

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:04pm

  154. 154: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Oh ladies, I have to report to you my today’s conversation with SG re. this topic. Very illuminating and I think we women can learn so much about how men feel/think about this issue.

    Meanwhile, here’s another gem of wisdom from Chris Chapelle who, IMO, is even funnier than Chris Rock:

    “If a man could f*ck a woman in a cardboard house, he wouldn’t buy a house. But it’s still not why chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by a feminist movement on a magazine that got women going crazy…because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don’t know what the f*ck they talk about. ….It says on the cover: 100 ways to please your man by some lady. Get out of here, there ain’t no 100 ways! This is 4 things: suck his dick, play with his balls and then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much!!!”

    This is what SG said about this quote:

    “Dave has it all wrong – he doesn’t include #1 in the his top 4 .. .S-E-X!! Add that one and drop the biz about playing with balls. WTF Dave!”

    I said: “Baby, you’re nitpicking. It’s within the same spirit!! You can’t deny he’s the funniest black stand-up comedian alive today, though…even Chris Rock isn’t as funny. He’s so effortless… I’d love to see him live one day.”

    But then he said in a longer email:

    “Chris and Dave are both excellent (two of my favorites) – love the
    Chris quote about women’s pussies drying up if they have to grab their
    wallet :)

    I like this new comer Katt Williams too – he’s spot on with relationship humor.

    Dave is right about women needing to quit taking relationship advice
    from other women … his main message is right on – men are simple and
    easy to please. Pleasure us thru sex and food, let us have some
    space, and be nice to us by limiting demands and complaints to a
    minimum. That’s it.

    What is your list for women? Men all over the world are trying to
    figure women’s needs out correctly.

    On the money thing – we do live in a new era where many women are
    making more money than men. In my work we are seeing a transformation
    with 65% of our college students are women – they are the future
    doctors, lawyers, and political leaders. I think things are changing
    so fast that women won’t need men for money & security and the roles
    will change in that men will become more about arm candy,
    companionship, reminding our women what it feels like to be a woman
    after a hard day of running the local emergency room, courtroom,
    classroom or boardroom.

    What do you think darling?”

    Check his extremely funny video here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZRflz-93JA

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:20pm

  155. 155: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi! Is everyone being not cruel to each other here?
    I want to play but things felt really psycho here for a while. Sorry for use of the word psycho.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:25pm

  156. 156: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    HI Dorothea…. I just thought of you as I watched this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfiaC-2K1LM&NR=1&feature=fvwp

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:43pm

  157. 157: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    life is too short:

    “I believe Chris Rock!!

    The only thing I disagree with is the reference to menopause (but I realize it’s for effect)

    all menopause means is that you stopped having periods, not that you lost your mojo! I am sexier now than I was twenty years ago.”

    He didn’t mean that…I think, he’s talking about the dryness which usually follows after menopause, right? :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 6:52pm

  158. 158: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder at what point do we stop keeping other people’s (men_)secrets…..

    I don’t share certain parts of my life because I may “hurt” someone? or “upset” someone?.. even though no one asked me directly to be quiet ….. we just keep silent …for what? approval?

    why do I sit in the dark with my past?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:00pm

  159. 159: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, SG loves “Bilingual.” Thanks, girl!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOQtIrZxa8I&feature=related

    He said: hot hot hot – yes, we will have to play this while we make mad passionate love

    then also on text:

    Me: Did you listen to that bilingual song? It stole the words right out of my mouth. That’s the kind of licentiousness I feel about you. Simply surreal.

    SG: Just listened to it. That’s our song -she took the words out of your mouth. Next time I f*ck you good -I want u to talk to me passionately in your native tongue.

    Me: Oh dear, I haven’t talked in my native tongue while f*cking for ages. I will need practice and it’ll feel weird but I’ll do my best lol… I don’t think my language is made for f*cking the way spanish or french is.

    SG: We’ll see about that…your voice would make the harshest language sounds sultry.

    I love this man!!! Aren’t I the luckiest girl on earth?? He’s making me feel good every day.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:02pm

  160. 160: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, Did you know that the two strongest words in the English language are “me too”? I physically exhale when someone “me too”‘s me.

    When I withhold my past, my stories, my truth, someone else out there is walking around believing they are the only one. And that person is me.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:04pm

  161. 161: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Senoras,

    Can someone please tell me how do i “put” my pic on this site ?

    Gracias
    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:07pm

  162. 162: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel heartsick about that situation. :(

    I also feel glad that WH’s CD came in the mail tonight (the Christian album he had recorded 13 years ago that I got for $3 on ebay).The kids and I listened to it on the way to Sonic. I love his voice. My kids teased me about crushing on him. They also said the songs feel like the songs in Godspell — like they can picture the people on Godspell singing them and dancing around — with WH as J*sus. :) Now they want to watch Godspell.

    Hi Dorothea, good to see you again.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:09pm

  163. 163: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    if I dated someone who is now married….but was single when we dated…..I feel beholden to remain silent…….I hate pretending something never happened when it did…… because of a woman I do not know may somehow be hurt….. I care too much…. and feel divorced from myself….
    sigh….. what to do….. I do not pretend that women who have been with men I was with were keeping their mouths shut to protect me ….from what ? the boogie man???? where is the line between expression and discretion….i’m feeling a little anger gurgle up…..I’m feeling like I am not the GLUE HOLDING YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER….and what does it profit me by not talking about my experience with you???? hmmmm???? are you going to send me a thank you for keeping your mouth shut card?? I doubt it.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:18pm

  164. 164: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    @158: Katarina Phang

    Chris Rock is either a “r-iot” or an id-iot, depending upon which comes first… :shock:

    SLV

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:19pm

  165. 165: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I feel confused. What do you feel like you need to keep silent about?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:21pm

  166. 166: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    So here’s my answer to SG’s email on #155 above:

    “Baby, I love it so much we can talk about this so openly and you’re very responsive about this. That’s a rare quality in a man and that makes me even more drawn to you.

    If men were that simple (which I agree, they are for the most part) then how come I wanted sex all the time in my past relationship and he didn’t? :)

    When thinking of men vs. women, remember this: men are like cats (independence, aloof, could care less about shit as long as they are fed) and women are like dogs (we need our constant stroking, affection, are very giving and can only be left alone for so long before we become needy…yes we are more high maintenance than cats but our love can be very deep too).

    As for myself, I am very simple and easy going too. These are what I need in no particular order:

    sex
    affection, attention, praises, kind words
    good conversation/discussion
    sex
    hugs, cuddles, kisses
    sex
    a man who lets me talk when I’m stressed out without judging (just shut up -you can ask questions or rephrase- and listen and be supportive, be on my side, don’t offer solutions) -this is what ALL women need, in fact.
    Did I say sex?
    doing things together like cooking, massaging each other, traveling, outdoor activities, watching TVs/documentary/movies and discuss it freely
    Just in case I haven’t mentioned sex…so yeah…SEX.
    don’t shut down on me…we have this inate fear of abandonment due to millions of years of evolution: we’re the nurturer, the cave defender, the home maker, you’re the head of the family but we are the ones who navigate the relationship -how we can glue our family together and keep everyone happy- so we’re always thinking about relationship 24/7 while you think of NOTHING most of the time (how I want to be more like you!)
    I love to give….we are naturally givers, but I want it to be reciprocated too without me having to ask (but men can be clueless so sometimes I have to take from you), a little gift every now and then will do the trick too.
    I like to be made to feel special (hence you pay for dates make me feel special and keep my pussy wet for you INSTANTLY and PERPETUALLY…it’s all worth it if you really love sex that much!! :)
    I am independent but my evolutionary programming makes me look for a guy who will make me feel taken cared of because he cares and it feels good and creates the feminine-masculine polarity that keeps the fire burning and the sex hot as hell.

    Do you have any more question? Please feel free to ask.

    Re. your last paragraph, I think I prefer a more traditional relationship (me the arm candy and the great company that fills that feminine aspect of your life’s need) no matter how much more money I make compared to my man. I don’t mind contributing financially and in most cases we women need to (remember, I was the breadwinner in my last 2 relationships) but I don’t want to forego the special place a woman holds in a man’s heart when she’s truly be woman.

    I just want to be a woman this time if I can afford it. I think I’m happiest when I stay in my feminine energy most of the time and let you lead and be the man.

    Does it make sense?”

    And here’s his response:

    “Yeah, I totally understand where you are coming from … It’s cultural and evolutionary biology loaded.

    That’s the way I like it too. I’m generally old fashioned – with some
    modern-day twists.

    To me, it’s all within reason and the limits of the people’s
    individual circumstances. I would feel yucky if I had a wealthy woman
    paying for me all the time (been there, done that) – but it’s nice if
    the gal has the means to bring something to the table on large joint
    purchases (housing, vacations, vehicles, etc) – otherwise men can get
    the feeling that they are being taken for granted or being used -
    especially if the gal has the means it starts to feel unfair.

    I like driving the car, planning dates, paying for the dates and
    treating my woman like a lady – a princess really.

    However, I dispute the pussy-for-money equation (just for myself – not
    other men) even though it is the world’s oldest profession and most
    men need to position themselves to use the power of money to get their
    physical needs met (fortunately I don’t).

    I am looking for a partner, not a dependent, and I cringe at any
    reference that there might be some sort of implied monetary exchange
    ($ for Sex) because, frankly, I think my cock and the pleasure bring
    to the table is just as valuable (if not more, given how rare it is to
    find a guy like me) than a gal’s pussy.

    Pussy is a dime a dozen to me – but I must say you do have an
    exceptionally nice snatch and I can’t wait to indulge my princess’s,
    my part-time wife’s pussy this sunday!

    Smooch! XOXOXO”

    I was mortified by this, so I responded with this:

    “Baby, I don’t imply my pussy and you paying for dates is akin to monetary exchange!!! Hell no. I can do much better than that if money is I’m after. I’m sorry you think I mean it that way (if you don’t please explain yourself better). And I will never imply you have to pay for pussy either!! I will never date a man like that. Men I date are mostly hotties who have no problem getting in any woman’s pants whenever they want.

    NO…no…no!

    Women NEED to feel adored. We don’t feel that way if we have to pay for dates! It’s nothing to do with the $ value.

    You’re very good at adoring me and I don’t need you to spend much money on me at all for me to feel good. You did and do ALL THE TIME.

    And yes in a committed relationship I’ll definitely spend my own income for certain things pertaining to family and household expenses. I have no problem with that having so accustomed spending on men for the last 18 years (go figure!). In fact it takes a lot of self-training on my part to start changing this predisposition of me and I feel I’m still struggling BIG TIME at times. I feel guilty sometimes that you paid for my trip twice (it used to be me paying for everything!!!)

    I’m not a gold digger of any stripe…not even close. I could have but I can never do that. I’m a romantic fool, alrite.

    Now I don’t want it to go to your head too much about your sex prowess now you’re thinking of starting to charge me for that!!!!”

    And he responded with this:

    “Baby,

    I am going to start needing $1000/hr … up until now I have been giving it to you free just to get you addicted (LOL).

    I didn’t mean the money for pussy exchange (i.e. sort of a form of prostitution) is something you were saying … although you have made a few jokes – but I took them as just that … but rather in concert
    with our dialog about what the comedian was saying and perhaps based on my past conversations/experiences with others.

    I adore you … so much that I flew you up (twice) … invite you into my home – even when I am gone – take you out to dinner – take you to a personal funeral – and a romantic cabin get away … etc … but
    mostly my adoration must be so very clear to you by the way I caress you, kiss you, tell you (very early) that I feel love for you and semi-joke about exploring some sort of quasi-marriage concept … I am
    dating other gals – but no one has the closeness and chemistry that is so palpable so real … as we do!

    I adore you!

    Love,”

    I was mollified, and responded with this:

    “Baby, are you now using my strong sex drive against me? :) We women can never win, huh….when we don’t like sex you complain and suffer so much, when we do…now you’re thinking of charging me because we enjoy it too much. So decide, which woman are you after (I know you’re joking…but I can’t help feeling that perhaps I should have pretended to be more lukewarm about you, cause men (human beings) want what they don’t/can’t have)?

    I feel at the same time, with me being expressive helps you make feel loved and good ’cause that’s what men want the most: making their woman happy, am I right?

    And you are making me happy all the time…yes through the considerate, loving, nurturing, sensitive things you’ve been doing/saying throughout our short time of knowing each other. You, in fact, make me so deliriously happy I feel like a school girl again. Thank you. And I want to make you happy because I think you deserve it. I want both of us happy, no matter what the outcome of this fling is…

    I just hope this doesn’t end too soon… as all good things should come to an end sooner or later (not in that way, but you know what I mean). This is all chemical high because of the newness.

    I am very secure about how I make you feel, about the strength of our sublime connection. I know you’re seeing other gals but I know what you’re having with them don’t hold a candle to what we have -what I give you. Not even close. Chemistry and connection like ours are hard to come by.

    Date around….I just know you can never have your mind off me when you’re with these chicks. I know you will always want to come “home” to me.

    I say, enjoy it while it lasts….! :)

    I adore, cherish and respect you, ”

    And oh his last response just made my heart totally MELT:

    “wow – it’s words like that – that make me love you even more – so spot on and in agreement with my way of thinking of things”

    Great exchange, huh? I just love the way he’ll express himself so succinctly like this. I hope this is not just because we’re new. I hope this continues….

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:33pm

  167. 167: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    Feel free to say whateva you want chica !
    Like i said married men… that’s not my cup of tea but that’s me…
    And this blog is a safe and comfy place where we can feel to talk about relationship problems we have with men, and being involve with a married man is a type of relationship and women gets involved with married men and married women are being cheated on all the time and all over the world…so why not talk about it ? i mean this is a reality and not everybody is gonna understand and agree with… but that’s life

    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:39pm

  168. 168: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    help me I might puke…..

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:48pm

  169. 169: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    aaaak……… you ladies know how i feel about mushy lyrics….and now my man is listening to this song that I just can’t seem to appreciate….blech….

    need barf bag……sigh….ick

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:50pm

  170. 170: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, what song is it?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:51pm

  171. 171: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    pepe,

    thanks for the encouragement but I am not dating a married man :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:57pm

  172. 172: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    ugh LUCY!!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  173. 173: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,
    llooool ok my bad !

    Pepe

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  174. 174: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Kat,

    as I read the post….letters…i hear sade… “is it a crime”


    He tastes her kiss
    her kisses are not wine
    they’re not mine.
    He takes
    but surely she can’t give what I’m feeling now.
    She takes
    but surely she doesn’t know how.

    Is it a crime? Is it a crime that I still want you?
    And I want you to want me
    too.

    My love is wider
    wider than Victoria Lake.
    My love is taller
    taller than the Empire State.
    It dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean.
    I can’t give you more than that ….

    but that is my own trigger……

    meanwhile back on the ranch…..

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:01pm

  175. 175: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    fyi,

    this is as MUSHY as I get….. and no mushier :)

    because this vulnerable and gangster hearted…..like…listen……i am not feeling getting hurt again….i am a little mistrustful…..and need control……these are my demands….i am not playing…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8NAXMruxW4

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:05pm

  176. 176: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I have no idea what you’re talking about woman. Who’s on first? Secrets? I totally misunderstood where you were going with that. Thought you were referring to Lizzie’s married man post. But you gotta admit #161, that was deep right? I wasn’t even meaning to write it that way (got the pronouns mixed up) but when I read it, it was like Gandhi inspired me or something. :-)

    Snort, snort. Oh my, I’m laughing!

    But seriously. What are you talking about?

    And dear goodness, put the man out of his misery. That song… Ack! It is kind of funny that the first part of the song talks about feeding a man. (You dig that right?) But the rest… Zzzzz.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:05pm

  177. 177: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    WHO.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:07pm

  178. 178: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon..

    I love how you don’t miss a BEAT!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

    I do love feeding :) hahaaaaa…… but uh…that song is seriously corny..

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:08pm

  179. 179: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    it makes me want to drink.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:09pm

  180. 180: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Katarina, I’m learning a lot from you and really appreciate where you’re coming from now. So what I say next is most definitely my own judgment.

    When he writes…

    “I think my cock and the pleasure I bring to the table is just as valuable (if not more, given how rare it is to find a guy like me) than a gal’s pussy.”

    My pussy feels turned off. I don’t want to hear bravado about his abilities or his package.

    I shall allow you to live under the illusion that your penis is THE BEST I’VE EVER HAD. Right.

    I feel really annoyed that sex, or just the discussion of sex, brings up such insecurity in me that I judge back before I get too hurt. Not good, not good.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:14pm

  181. 181: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    this is the one he shared ….it is a little easier to digest.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U

    he is whistling it now…… ick….blech…blech….blech….the drama!!!!!!! its like celine dion and the effin titanic all over again…..and of course i will have to listen to this song whenever it is on the radio….. btw….I am addicted to coffee…and he knows that is how to get me instantly happy….i can be bribed with coffee trips….

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:16pm

  182. 182: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, when you said BEAT, my brain immediately said… Janet Jackson…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDgDlRZ5H78

    Nasty! LOL!

    Alrighty then. Time for bed. I feel seriously delirious. I do not do well on no sleep. About to give my pillow some serious face time.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:20pm

  183. 183: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    um…well actually I felt turned off but I feel very appreciative that Kat feels connected to this dialogue and sees it as succint…..I saw it as long-winded LOL :)
    I’m like…..feeling all annoyed with a man using so many words….but she LOVES it and I feel happy for her….(but kat knows I don’t do aquarius :) lol but that’s cool…. I feel happy and tickled they found each other…and are in the same “space”. Because I would have felt super crabby after the first couple of sentences….. :) and I realize I prefer the grunting caveman even if he likes corny songs LOL !!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:21pm

  184. 184: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Katarina

    “He didn’t mean that…I think, he’s talking about the dryness which usually follows after menopause, right? :)”

    yah, the reference to menopause had to do with vaginal dryness, but I would change the word “usually” to “can”, because it doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. He was capitalizing on the stereotype. :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:23pm

  185. 185: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    haha!! Miss Janet…if ya nasty :)

    thinkin nasty thoughts!!!!the only nasty thing I love is a nasty groove :) word.

    nite SS

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:25pm

  186. 186: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Denise,
    I decided not to CD the guy after all because he is only 24. Just don’t want to go there! And I am going thru a disenchanted with internet dating phase. Blah!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:32pm

  187. 187: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I never noticed that overfunctioning had a negative effect on how a relationship felt to me until Rori Raye said something about it. And I still can hardly believe it, even though I accept it to be true. Just never quite got my mind around it. I’m not much of an overfunctioner in practice because i am constantly going through the motions of leaning back, but it makes for a much better romantic experience anyway.

    But then there are times where i agonize over my desire to do something and it is probably even more damaging to how the relationship feels because agonizing over how to act and what would be the feminine, rori way to do something is probably more poisonous than overfunctioning or leaning forward.

    ohh
    how come i can see the problem plain black and white but be unable to ‘snap out of it.’ that feels wayyyyyy annoying.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:42pm

  188. 188: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Are there any programs like this one but for guys about getting off the toxic relationship merry go round/track in their dating lives?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:47pm

  189. 189: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a crush on Marshall on How I Met Your Mother, and I feel curious about it. Does he appeal to any other Sirens? I wonder what it is about him that I like …

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:51pm

  190. 190: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS…..Lucy….

    I am talking about dating people and pretending we never dated. That…once we were friends…but marriage is like a funeral…..and once he crosses over…suddenly i feel expected to not talk about all of the fun WE had before you got married because it might come back to you or your wife…..so I am cut off from one of my most precious, beautiful connections……. because…..whatever

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:54pm

  191. 191: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #181 SS

    So I am not the only one who felt turned off by his sentence. I don’t know why but I just don’t like it. It’s funny SS because in that very lengthy convo that sentence seemed to jump off the page at me…..and you too it seems.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 8:56pm

  192. 192: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    Oh, I didn’t like his bragging tone at all. That’s why I said I felt he was using my sexuality against me, instead of feeling lucky that he found a compatible partner in that department (considering his ex-wife refused to have sex after the baby).

    I thought it was uncalled for. That’s why I said I should have perhaps acted less complimentary of him, cause I don’t like he’s thinking I’m the lucky one here.

    No way Jose. I will no longer “worship” a man blindly. I’m the goddess, you’d better worship me. I’m being gracious with my kind words and compliments, not supposed to make him go over his head like that.

    But he’s still the sweetest guy I know in a long time.

    And Nikita, I love how wordy he is -it suits my womanness better- and I had a big problem because my hubby was very stingy with words unless he thought there was something to fix about me.

    He’s still the masculine guy I know. I want him bad and can’t wait till Sunday when we’re going to play house again. He texted, “I can’t wait to make you my wife (this week) and be your attentive loving husband too. I like playing house with you.”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:00pm

  193. 193: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #185 Life

    Totally agree, it is a stereotype and a put down to older women really, why doesn’t he tell jokes about older men who can’t get it up? Maybe he does I am not really familiar with this comedian, just saw him once on TV I think……

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:01pm

  194. 194: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Sienna

    Can’t find your original post about Mover Man wanting to take you clothes shopping, but didn’t you just meet him a week or two when you moved house or am I mixing this up with another story on here? Just seems a bit soon to be trying to fix up your style is all I am thinking………apologies if this is not the same guy.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:06pm

  195. 195: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    The problem is that is the reality of dating a guy who knows he has options and the values he bring to the table. Sometimes it’s not easy to navigate that feminine-masculine dynamics.

    We want what we want but he has his own ideas of what’s right when he knows women will throw themselves at him.

    So far, he exceeds my expectation and I feel blessed.

    I do love him very much now.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:08pm

  196. 196: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling my quiet pleasure… And my quiet sadness of… The sadness… I feel sadness at being talked to harshly, suddenly. The betrayal. I feel relieved I don’t have to keep this one now.

    I feel sad. My sadness fluffs me, I am beauty . I am the yellow light on the night water, rippling .

    I feel pain, hello… I feel so disappointed.

    The new man who tries to talk and reason me out my feelings… With good intentions. … And why it feels Angryfyjng. I feel vulnerable like hot flesh freya in the snow…

    I miss feeling loved. I dint want this. I feel abandoned, alone. I feel warm and shivering from watching the snow fall around me. It melts on my body like humid steam.

    I’m searching for my tears to bring the flowers. I love my weakness. A beautiful place to be, on the brink of death. A restful turmoil . Love for me… And all I am.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:14pm

  197. 197: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Barb,
    From what I remember, in his jokes, nothing is sacred, so he probably has told jokes about older men who can’t get it up, not sure. But there’s still definitely a double standard going on when it comes to age

    Marianne Williamson was talking about the stereotypes of men’s age and women’s ages, how in the U.S. a man of 40 is “just getting started” and a woman of 40 is “over the hill”….and whispering ..”oh, i think she’s pushing 55″ like she’s guilty of something!! haha!…and in France a woman of 40 is said to be just beginning to blossom…i think i’m going to move to France :-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:15pm

  198. 198: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    mmmm….I hear that men know they have options but i don’t see the problem….I do not want to manage down my expectations of masculinity/standards of masculinity/codes of conduct because men have options….. My man…. and without getting super personal……. had women lined up….and throwing pu**y at him all of the time…… due to the nature of the business/industry we were in….. he really didn’t have to do ANY work to get a date….he just showed up…and women found out who he was and proceeded to lean way forward…and some even pouted and threw tantrums because their pu**y was not getting them the leverage they thought it would…..he was just bored.
    it takes me back to what SS wrote about the sex being the icing not the cake…and the cake=connection cocks don’t create connection. hearts do :)

    am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling….

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:16pm

  199. 199: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    ooooh…gonna start my 40 in France Fund…TOMORO!!!!!!!!! :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:20pm

  200. 200: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I met a guy from OKCupid for coffee last week after talking with him on the phone.

    I wasn’t impressed and i forgot about him.

    He wrote a couple of messages to me on the website, but never called me. Tonight I get this to my personal email:

    Have not heard from You and can only assume you are not interested.
    Please let me know.

    This makes my blood boil. OK, well, maybe not that dramatic. But I feel very annoyed with this.

    If this guy is interested why doesn’t he have the balls to call to follow up?

    I am finding the trend to be that they are waiting for me to act. I’m not going to do it.

    What is the problem? Are we Rori women in the minority?

    Are most men nowadays used to the women being the pursuers and calling the shots?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:24pm

  201. 201: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Me too Nikita! France, here I come!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:25pm

  202. 202: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Oh, another good movie is “Under the Tuscan Sun” with Diane Lane. I love it!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:27pm

  203. 203: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I meant, we spoke on the phone at length about three times. I didn’t feel obligated to answer one line messages sent on the website. Next!!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:29pm

  204. 204: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    oh YES!!!! I OWNED THAT MOVIE……hey…i feel reminded of when i said lizzie suck me as a little diane lane-ish…it was the movie!!!! that under the tuscan sun vibe…..yes…..i dream of eating in italy…and inhaling citrus air :) will stop in on my way to france :D

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:30pm

  205. 205: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    hahaha “suck me” ha!!! I meant to write …Lizzie Struck me as ……haha ….oops…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:31pm

  206. 206: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    i don’t feel comfortable with the ball always being thrown back into my court!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:31pm

  207. 207: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the Sade song. I found my tears. My dead man has found me to comfort me… I miss him. It’s never as good as the first time… You know I won’t believe it…

    I am too smart for that I know I know

    Dead man kisses and dead man hugs… I love you so… And I appreciate you.

    Thank you thank you ,

    You called me by your house the other night.. Perhaps it’s you that hated on me with these men. Thank you for showing me them early.

    I do not want to be alone, and I do not want a man that’s less than I deserve. Thank you for your protection

    And let me have what I want. I don’t want to be blocked from that, and I don’t want to lose you.

    Love me, I trust you and I miss you… That I’ve known Yoj longer now than I knew u with the warts on your hands. You will always be with me. My mark on my leg, you are for me. Support and I an for you. I bless you spirit warrior of mine. And I miss you even now when I feel your arms around me

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:32pm

  208. 208: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I do believe we are in the minority and that is why I spend sooooo much time here….. because…. I crave it…..I am here because I love gender studies and detest the shift in masculinity…I love reading the testimonies of women…..it is my pink anthropology….if that makes sense….I hope to figure out a way to heal…some stuff…..between the sexes……

    …..ugh,,,,my man is listening to that song again….sigh.

    ….but as I watch Daria….over many moons…..men love it……once they feel accepted they grow into it and really love it….I feel like men have managed down their expectations and have just adjusted themselves to women’s lib…..

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:37pm

  209. 209: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Nikita:

    cocks don’t create connection. hearts do

    This will make an excellent bumper sticker for my car;-)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:39pm

  210. 210: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    you mean this song?

    – You came along when I needed a savior
    Someone to pull me through somehow
    I’ve been torn apart so many times
    I’ve been hurt so many times before
    So I’m counting on you now

    Somebody already broke my heart
    Somebody already broke my heart

    Here I am
    So don’t leave me stranded
    On the end of a line
    Hanging on the edge of a lie
    I’ve been torn apart so many times
    I’ve been hurt so many times before
    So be careful and be kind

    2 – Somebody already broke my heart
    If someone has to lose, I don’t want to play
    Somebody already broke my heart
    No, no I can’t go there again

    you’re welcome

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:42pm

  211. 211: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol suck me!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:43pm

  212. 212: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I am sounding like i dislike men…but I don’t.

    I love them and their masculine energy dearly and I accept them fully as fellow human beings all doing the best they can.

    Society mangled the pure intentions of women’s lib and feminist movement, and I feel like so many people, men and women both, just don’t know how to think for themselves anymore.

    I fully intend to do my part to help heal some stuff between the sexes

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:44pm

  213. 213: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes … That one. Mmm. I got my tears flowing. I feel pleased and happy

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:45pm

  214. 214: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, that was his only “transgression” and if anything he was just being honest. He said it in general in terms of money discussion. At least we know that guys (many of them these days) do feel that way…so be prepared.

    Especially if he’s been divorced and left with a huge debt to take care of.

    Talk to Jonathon, he’s sending that vibe too… he’s not a believer in a man-picks-all-the-bills ala Rori.

    It has nothing to do with me “managing down my expectation.” This man has shown me beyond “the call of duty” how much he’s into me. He, in fact, exceeds my expectation beyond my wildest dream. He pretty much “proposed” already but since he’s divorced and we only met a month ago, he’s paraphrasing it into “part-time marriage.” But it was clear he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me if that’s possible, one way or another. And that to me is saying a lot.

    Let’s not throw the baby with the bath water.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:46pm

  215. 215: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Life –

    I would write him, men don’t necessarily know that we prefer a phone connection.

    Ohh… I feel kind of weird reading this… I hadnt received any calls from you…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:47pm

  216. 216: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I actually feel like crying. Where did i lose all my patience? Thank you D

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:50pm

  217. 217: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    But of course he also forgot to mention, to me a cock is ALSO a dime in a dozen and a woman like me who can match his sexual is appetite is also RARE (he told me how all these other women always get tired after a while and want him to finish it soon).

    He knows it so he wasn’t aiming that at me personally, but as a general rule.

    He knows I’m his perfect match. And he’s been saying it so many times in so many different ways.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:51pm

  218. 218: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb,

    RE: #141 = Wife Beater

    I didn’t know what it was either when Siena referred to it a few months ago. If I understand correctly, it’s like a short tank top, but I’m still not really clear.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:53pm

  219. 219: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Katarina,

    I don’t know all the particulars, and your relationship with SG so far sounds very dreamy and wonderful and I am happy for you for sure…..but if you only met a month ago, he is newly divorced, etc. please be aware of the infatuation factor, and pretty words and lust. Maybe take a wait and see attitude. I’m not saying to be jaded. I think you know what i mean.

    just my two cents

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:54pm

  220. 220: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Life is too short, I wasn’t born yesterday so yes I’m very well aware of that. :) In fact, I told him that many times.

    We both are aware of it….but we’re enjoying the ride anyway.

    We are indeed in the infatuation stage. Still a long path to go to establish if we really are a great match for each other in the long run.

    Had it not for his “jadedness” in particular, I’d be very optimistic about our future together.

    Right now, I don’t know what the future holds but I’m basking in the love and lust.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 9:58pm

  221. 221: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Katarina,

    I’m so happy for you!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:01pm

  222. 222: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    K:

    Cool :-)

    I trust you know what’s best for you.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:02pm

  223. 223: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Brends, thanks!! I just want to share what I experience so every woman knows she can have the same thing.

    Just find the right guy(s). They’re plenty out there.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:02pm

  224. 224: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Kat,

    aaaw…I’m hearing a little bit of a defense for his “transgression” as you have termed it…..you sound protective….I feel like …aaw….I don’t mean to pick on your sweetie…I don’t want to sound like that…..and I don’t want to imply that you are not feeling super content and thrilled…. no…. I want to support your good feelings…. I have heard men say that their cock is as valuable(ok) and maybe even more valuable than pu**y(slow down buddy)…..so that is how I feel when I think back….it is a sore spot….but I have my comfort zone….my man pays for everything….. and I have friends that say…don’t tell my girl you live like that…she might get ideas..lol….. but my relationship is not for every girl :) And I could not be as open as you are after a month….it feels too scary for me…but you seem out of this world…totally bungee jumping….and loving every minute….and I’m like…go-get em tiger :)
    not me…but good for YOU…he is totally cute…but I feel like I have dated that guy….and it’s not for me…but I still love him! and he is dating a super sweet girl and they connect in a way he and I don’t……so…….I dunno…..I support you? I am happy for you…..and ……well…..plenty of women WOULD NOT want my man if they knew what he was really about….. it just would not work for them. They might even call him names….he is handsome tho! and they think they want him….but ….most just couldn’t deal….he is CRAZYYYY :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:03pm

  225. 225: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    I have to add one thing, Nikita, in our case sex is really the very fabric that bonds us like nothing else would.

    It’s so passionate yet so tender…it’s not possible to undermine it. Each time we’re done with it we’re one inch deeper in love.

    He admitted it was so rare he could be so mental while having sex with anyone. We are crazy “mental” in bed…there is no word that can describe it, hence the song you gave us feels very deep and true for me.

    We’re very spiritually connected at the “hip”. :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:15pm

  226. 226: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,
    I feel curious about why you seem worried about being “too personal”….?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:15pm

  227. 227: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Let’s see…if I just did feeling messages…ummm,

    I feel cornered into competing with my body parts.

    I feel scared…I don’t want to believe I am ever “less than” a man’s cock.

    I feel sad that we are in competition.

    I don’t want to compete.

    I feel afraid that my value comes from my nana?

    I feel fast heartbeat….and mini panic…..

    I feel angry…I feel like fighting…I feel like…oh yeah???? I feel confrontational…like…PROVE IT!

    put on your hooker boots and let’s see how fast we can turn our parts into dollars…..I WIN….and I feel icky that I used my body to prove something that has already been proven over centuries….eons…

    I feel cocky and arrogant now….I feel fear in the air…I smell the inferiority of the cock….I feel the power of the pu**y……

    I feel…..suspicious…….I don’t want to be re-educated…… it’s called the bunny ranch….and the majority of the staff are women……

    I feel sympathy…aaww…..my parts can earn more than your parts……people pay thousands for embryos…..what is sperm?……like 30$?

    I feel mean…like ….ouchie…truth hurts…..I feel bad that my nana is so intrinsically valuable that men commit crimes…and spend many years in prison for it…….

    I can not play small for your cock to feel better than me…..and I feel sad but not sorry.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:23pm

  228. 228: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel SO much more in D now that he is not pursuing me. interesting to notice.

    Interested, yet defensive. I called him this morning to say that I would like to speak with him to make sure that breaking up is “right” for us. And now, I feel like the ball is in his court. He should be getting off work any minute, and I feel weird that he hasn’t contacted me about a plan to chat. i don’t want to talk on the phone, I want to do it in person. I’m getting sleepy, and i apparently had expectations of speaking today, without even really realizing it. hmmm…I feel intrigued and resistant. hmm…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:24pm

  229. 229: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so much more interested in D, I mean…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:27pm

  230. 230: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl,

    I feel comfy-ish about sharing myself….but I don’t know how the man in my life would feel if I exposed too much info….

    I tend to date people that can be pinpointed to a degree if I gave enough information…..

    Like…..if I named a company, a charity, a board. a t.v. show…or something like that…… I like the anonymity ….and am seriously thinking of starting over the way one or two of the other sirens did to maintain that privacy….

    but I do that in my personal life..at work….with friends….i am very secretive…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:30pm

  231. 231: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I feel intrigued.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:55pm

  232. 232: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    hmm…he should be out of work by now for sure. I feel a little sad that he isn’t contacting me. And I guess relieved cause I feel like he is doing this, not me. HE’s ending. I kind of want the power back, but then I like that I don’t have to feel responsible for this – I let him know that I wanted to talk it out, and he isn’t taking care of that for me…and that kinda pisses me off and yet makes it easier to let it go

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 10:59pm

  233. 233: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    damn…he doesn’t care? he expects me to take care of it since I initiated it – it could have felt natural for me to text him a few hours ago to say
    “It would feel best to speak in person…let me know when is good for you…”

    but I didn’t feel comfortable putting myself out there again, since I called this morning AND yesterday.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:01pm

  234. 234: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    We’re playing games…and a part of me likes it. And another part feels like shutting the door and super gluing it shut to spite him. And another part of me feels bored. hmmmm…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:02pm

  235. 235: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    and yet, maybe he never intended to speak tonight at all. he just said we could talk “later.”

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:03pm

  236. 236: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    breathe….I’ll tell myself that he has some master plan for having a wonderful conversation with me….I’ll just trust him to plan it at just the right time…in the meantime, I intend to feel good…

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:20pm

  237. 237: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Kat,
    I feel jealous of the good sex you’re having. I’m noticing that I feel jaded…I want to know how things will be 6 months from now. And now I want to ask myself – what does it even matter what happens 6 months from now if she’s having fun NOW?

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:21pm

  238. 238: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Girl, very wise of you. I’m living in the moment.

    But I’ll keep ya posted 6 months from now.

    To be honest, I have no idea. Everything can happen between now and then.

    But I’m high with the possibilities that life has to offer.

    I feel blessed to have found my sexual match. That’s pure serendipity.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:27pm

  239. 239: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Also noticing that I’m feeling more and more understanding of the book “The Zahir” by Paul Cohelo. He has a wife who is his Zahir – his one love, his obsession, his muse, his reason for living. yet he has other lovers. She leaves him, and then he goes on a mad hunt for her, and yet still has other lovers in the meantime. When he finally does find her, it seems that he will continue his philandering ways…but his point was that a relationship isn’t a track that always runs parallel – people are in constant flux, moving to and away from each other. A marriage in the traditional sense is an unnatural imposition on 2 people to try to stay consistent in relationship with each other, which he says isn’t possible without inhibiting the identities and development of one or both people. So, his ideal is his Zahir – this person who is LOVE, who he always returns to…but he rejects the idea that he has to stay on track with this person in some consistent way – he finds it confining, controlling, stifling, and stupid.

    At first, I felt super triggered. But now the idea is growing on me. Until I consider kids – then I feel like I DO want a committed man who will offer consistency, cause I think it’s best for the kids, and cause I don’t want to raise a family without a man.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:31pm

  240. 240: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I read the Zahir and totally understood it differently. That he kept searching for his one love, and only when his wife left and he had to find her was he able to experience actually falling in love because of his trials to find her. And so his wife did materialize into the Zahir he wanted. And now he was really in love the way he had wanted.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:46pm

  241. 241: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Thx for the breakdown of the book….now I don’t feel like I need to read it……one of my “lovers” owns it and I am no longer tepted to borrow it :)

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:48pm

  242. 242: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Wha?…. .???? Now I feel totally confused!

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:49pm

  243. 243: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah I got the feeling at the end that all of the mental bs and rationalizing about relationships had been cut through by the actual experience of searching and finding the woman he loved.

    Kinda like a Rori thing.

    I feel afraid that I may have misinterpreted, but I don’t want to believe that, I only believe what feels good.

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:52pm

  244. 244: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Huh……that book was in the libras house ;)

    Lol……I don’t think he finished it yet……..

    Friday, 15 October 2010 @ 11:57pm

  245. 245: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    ha…i dunno…

    what about the part about the tracks (train?) – about how he noticed that the design is based on how the romans did it, without questioning functionality…?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:03am

  246. 246: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I once had a man born in Capricorn, but with a strong libra ascendant. He told me his a libra, he could see it in his head, the scales. After awhile I could to. He was skitzophrenic, pretty sure. He taught me a lit about seeing things, and male female energies. He was too paranoid, I thought he was gonna kill me. We fought like everyday. He was my first love.

    I saw him months after he finally left. I had like 4 orgasms, then felt free and complete.

    The next times after that i saw him he was homeless and crazy, I bought him a burger.

    I heard he’s better now, my girl actually saw him, he was rapping, he was so good, heard he still is.

    Got love for him.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:05am

  247. 247: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, I get that he realized that she was the one he loved, and he was going to be done with his crazy brain…but, I still got the impression that his conclusion was that she can be his ONE that he returns to, but they couldn’t possibly stay at a fixed distance. and it was some internal/external pressure to stay fixed that was driving him away.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:06am

  248. 248: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Plot Summary of The Zahir
    “The Zahir means ‘the present’ or ‘unable to go unnoticed’ in Arabic. The story revolves around the narrator-a bestselling novelist’s search for his missing wife,Esther. He enjoys all the privileges that money and celebrityhood bring. He is suspected of foul play by the authorities and the press of having a role to play in the inexplicable disappearance of his wife from their Paris home.

    Thereby, the protagonist is forced to re-examine his own life and marriage as well.The narrator is unable to figure out what led to Esther’s disappearance. Was she abducted or had she abandoned their marriage? He comes across Mikhail,one of Esther’s friends.The narrator with his help, realizes that to find Esther, he must find his own self. Mikhail introduces him to a tribe who have unconventional ways of living. Through the narrator’s journey from Paris to Kazakhstan, Coelho explores various menanings of love and life.”
    Medha Behera, Resident Scholar

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:09am

  249. 249: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl, I don’t remember, I don’t really remember much even his philandering except that I walked away with a sense that he finally had what he was looking for, and he had to look for her to have it. As in the man needs the search and conquer to commit.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:09am

  250. 250: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m glad I found my godessness. There is always deeper for a man to dive into now. There is no more fear of fixedness of not enough, of not enough elusivity. I am the world, I am the sea, I am the womb.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:12am

  251. 251: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I don’t feel worried about him. I feel worried about me not wanting to feel fixed or controlled.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:14am

  252. 252: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I just read that anorexia is related to autism and that weirds me out. I don’t know why I feel more comfortable identifying with anorexia than autism. But I do…eww..I don’t want to think of myself as autistic. what does it mean???

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:16am

  253. 253: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    My first was a Taurus :) with Venus and moon or mars in Gemini ;) he was schizophrenic…….. I dunno where he is…..sometimes hospital….he named his child after me….. He taught me how to see words…and the letters in them…..and meditate…. :) and apple cider vinegar and kosher salt baths…..he believes I’m his ONE….. So I spent years hiding…..from him…… I thought we were it….. But then he began to dissociate mentally…..he was existing in another reality and I felt he wasn’t ________enough to exist in this world….he was too open in his mind to tackle life…..and he just broke up into pieces……

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:17am

  254. 254: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I dunno but I always understood anorexia to be about control……and safety…….in an uncontrollable environment……like-order out of chaos……

    Autism……to me?……is more about blurring the lines of ego and separateness……it’s about teaching communication with using word constructs as the only means/or as a crutch…..it’s about being sooooooo out there you are closer and more aware of your gifts……but I dunno :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:22am

  255. 255: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    -that was meant to be: without using words-

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:23am

  256. 256: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so sleepy……

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:27am

  257. 257: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    I think autism has more to do with brain damage. I worked with autistic kids for four years, and never heard anorexia attached to it. Schizophrenia is evil spirits living in someone. Ryan was a Taurus with schizophrenia too. I believe he’s going to be free, and he’s going to understand the spiritual realm enough to be able to help others like him get free.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:55am

  258. 258: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Well, things seem to be going better w/Blondie…I was so sad yesterday because I hadn’t heard from him and I broke down and txted him, which he replied to right away, saying he’d been thinking of calling me. He said he wanted to put his arms around me Sunday when he got back, but, just on principle, I told him I was busy. (I’m working that day, but actually don’t have any plans that night, but it felt like I needed to turn him down just to prove the point that now that we’re not ‘exclusive’ anymore, I’m not at his beck and call).

    So I guess I’m doing ok with setting a few boundaries here, but what I really want is to just melt in his arms Sunday night…the only thing is, just getting back from his trip, I suspect he would have asked me to come over to his house Sunday night and I’m trying to hold out for a “proper” date where he comes to pick me up and takes me out, or at least comes to my house instead if he’s running low on funds. So…I guess we’ll see how things develop.

    My big quandary at this point though is sex…my friend Chad thinks this “being spooked” business is just his way of setting me up so that he can get laid when he wants but not have to have any obligations to me, but Chad is pretty cynical. That soooo does not feel like what he’s about to me…especially since he originally broke up with me because he said he was afraid it was all physical between us (and then changed his tune when he saw me in person and agreed we had more of a connection than that). But he seems like he’s genuinely looking for someone special…not just out to get laid.

    But I guess I want to reassure myself that that’s the case…so how do I do that? Do I hold off on sex for a few dates and see how that goes? Or do I just see how I feel based on how our conversations go and how any discussions of our relationship go? I know I’ve definitely got to stay laid back and let him initiate everything (which he generally does anyway), but beyond that — how do you know?

    My instincts tell me that he’s just a very careful man and the prospect of actually having a new woman in his life (really, for the first time since his divorce since his “rebound” relationship was long distance and there was never any real prospect of her meeting his kids) could very well be scary to him. So I want to be respectful of his feelings, but I want to protect my interests at the same time…any suggestions?

    I’m back on the cd bandwagon again, emailing about 8 guys and setting up dates for the coming week with a couple…at this point, I think I’m going to keep cd’ing for at least a couple of months, partially because I don’t want another “panic attack” on Blondie’s part and partially because I’ve just met 2 single men who are both in a position to do business with me and I want to be free to go out with them if that’s what it takes to seal the deal. (Hope that doesn’t sound cold, but in this economy, I have to do what I have to do to make a living and both of these men are in a position to make rather large purchases.) One of the guys that could buy from me is taking me to the game today and I’m really hoping I like him at least a little bit so hopefully that will lead to a few more dates and also a purchase within the next couple of months.

    My other quandary is how to possibly cd these 2 business prospects (along with any other men I’m in contact with) for a long enough time to get their business without having to get too involved physically. Blondie and I don’t have an agreement to be sexually exclusive, though he would probably agree to that if I brought it up. But I think it might do him some good to actually worry about me possibly sleeping with other men in a few weeks, so I’m thinking I might leave that option open, though I probably wouldn’t actually do it.

    So I guess my question is — how to ensure things move slowly with these men so I can keep their expectations in check without running them off altogether? I mean, most men I date, if they like me, end up wanting to ramp things up with the frequency of dates/calls and I’m really more in the mode of maybe seeing them just once in a while. I’ve thought about telling the guy for today that I just broke up with someone a couple of weeks ago so I want to take things very slowly. Or I could just tell them that I’m not really looking for a serious relationship right now, but if they’re truly interested, that might run them off. What do you think?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:04am

  259. 259: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’m tired of feeling. My ex and what went wrong with the relationship consumes me. The guy who once chased me, I ended up chasing. I showed my cards too soon, which killed his attraction for me.

    Instead of ending things, he decided financial gain and gifts were something he could get out of me because I wasted his time.

    To prove my worth and rekindle the attraction, I over-functioned emotionally to make up for the money/gifts I refused to grant him. You know, like “hey, look how brilliant, captivating, etc I am on my own.”

    Though, he maybe got a total of $80 and dinner off me (and neither of us eat, like, how much can sharing a tic tac over candle light really cost?), I can’t help but feeling used and manipulated because I stuck around trying to outsmart him.

    I feel like shit everyday. 1) Because I lost. 2) Because I lost him.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:37am

  260. 260: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn — I know where you’re coming from. I feel like I’m on the verge of losing the guy I want because I showed my cards too soon as well. But he telling me things like, “someone of your caliber can meet someone better than me” and so I felt like I had to tell him how wonderful I thought he was, you know?

    Anyway — if things are really over with this guy, the best thing you can do is use your anger to form a resolve to do things differently in the future. Maybe, as great as he is, his role was to help you learn how to play things the next time around, when you meet someone who’s even more right for you. Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning here too, but I don’t want to give up on us yet…I’m determined to try to turn things around using the CD tool and staying busy, but I know the temptation will be there to show him how great I am so he’ll choose me again (now that we’re not exclusive anymore) and I need to resist that…I need to just be me and not try to control him, but it’s hard.

    I know you’re hurting, but it will get better and you will do better next time, and there will be a next time, either with this guy or another one.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:52am

  261. 261: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    140: BarbinOz says:
    #21 SLV
    “HA HA HA!!! I expect you contacted him right away – what fun.”

    I wonder…do you think his family, friends, neighbors, co-workers know of his “other life?” :D

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:00am

  262. 262: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been CD-ing and learning Japanese- it’s not helping. I feel things are over because it feels like he doesn’t want me.

    Weeks ago, I did quite an un-sirenesque email send, asking why we have so much drama and telling him we either fix this or we end this. Btw ladies, when you tell a man the ball’s in his court, it’s really not. It’s your thinly veiled attempt to mask that you’re chasing him. He never responded. I guess there’s my answer?

    Six days later, he leaves a vm inviting me to a movie he was seeing in 2 hours. Still feeling embarrassed about that email over-function, I ignored the call. Reading Rori’s blog, I should’ve returned the call with “Thank you, but I have plans.” It would show I’m not a game player and I’m open to going but I’m an awesome chick with a life.

    Next day, he texts, inviting me to a concert- a concert he was already at. I text back, “Screw you. I’m no one’s back up plan.” No response from him. Ever. That was 2 weeks ago.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:11am

  263. 263: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    loool, yeah you smack that one in the face !
    Remember be warm and open…even if the guy is acting like a weirdo and takes you granted like assuming you that you’re desperate, don’t have a life, and that he can just text i’m at you concert-come join me, thinking that u’ll ran to go see him…even if you don’t want him in your life anymore you can USE him to work on what rori is teaching us, you could have take that opportunity to practice being a siren like i’d feel glad seing you but i already made other plans and thanks for the invitation i appreciated it… and see how he would have responded and act after that…

    Practice practice practice but your last answer was too funny LMAO, i understand where your coming from but at least it wasn’t a booty call and he invited you to none sex-time lol

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:25am

  264. 264: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I am trying to make a choice here and I just want to do the right thing. I am engaged to my old beau from high school. He is a true sweetheart. It’s been years but we finally made our way back to ea. other. Anyway, I accepted his ring but now am concerned because he has SO many health problems. But what’s worse, he is collecting disability and it’s not very much at all. Because he just worked in stores all his life and at night played in bands. I don’t have alot of money saved away and although I have a good job working as a massage therapist for a rehab clinic for brain injured and spinal cord, I know I won’t be able to do it forever. I do love him, but there’s just so much to think about. Please let me know your thoughts on this one…Need some insight. Thank you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:47am

  265. 265: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Now i always try to avoid “letting the ball in his hands”
    because like Kaitlyn said it’s a way to hide that were chasing him ” it’s up to you… and i won’t wait around to see what you’ll do next ! ” yeah right ! it’s a thing that we use to get a respond or an action out of him without realising that when we do that we set ourselves to WAIT and see what he’ll do next and give him an opportunity to take all the time he wants to decide what he’ll do with us… i mean what’s the rush right ? he knows whe’re waiting for him to answer…
    And everytime we hear a buzz… “oh ! that’s him calling heyyyy ! that means he still have feelings for me and… NOT ! it’s my mom whose ringing at the door…i need to change to dawm door bell it almost give me a heart attack

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:49am

  266. 266: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Katarina, thank you for being here and being so open about sharing! I still feel defensive about certain things but it’s definitely my own hangup. My brain wants to reject some of your words, like “how could you possibly believe that?” but it’s good practice for me to see you handling this like a rockstar. I would like for my vibe to be similar. I feel inspired.

    Nikita, before I slept last night, I was feeling jealous. I know your guy is whistling and singing songs you hate but ahhh… I feel jealous of having another human being in my space being who they are. I miss that “he’s around doing his own thing” feeling. And it reminded me of Tom Cruise in Risky Business. :-)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:51am

  267. 267: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Crap! Crap! Crap! I screwed up. Who knows, maybe by just being open and warm with a “thank you, I’d love to but I have plans,” it may have even sparked his attraction since HE”S SUCH A DAMN GAME PLAYER. Arrrghhh.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:01am

  268. 268: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, Right now I’d imagine my fight or flight response has kicked in high gear and everything looks like life or death, right or wrong, black or white. Is that where you are right now?

    I can never say the wrong thing to the right person.

    Sometimes when I feel so overwhelmed by something, it feels good to do something fun. I know Rori speaks of feeling our feelings but sometimes when it’s too much, I welcome some distraction.

    Or, take these nasty thoughts all the way out in my head. “What I said last night has killed the relationship. He is gone forever. I’ll never love again. He was the best I’ll ever have. It will never be that good again.”

    Those words feel ridiculous to me even as I write them. I don’t want to dismiss what you’re feeling at all. Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I actually feel kind of surprised at how ridiculous those words feel to me.

    Maybe try writing it out (worst case scenario) and see how it feels to you? This feels similar to the time that Erika suggested to Lucy that she obsess about WH. Just go there with it and see what bubbles up.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:13am

  269. 269: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,
    looooool don’t beat yourself up !
    yes you could have tried that and see how he would react but it’s already in the past, it’s done. But… i don’t know since excuse me for saying… you acted rude with the “screw you…” lol maybe you can try to excuse yourself… i would even if it’s sirenish or not, but that’s me. If you do decide to excuse yourself you can try something like i feel really bad about the way i answered to you last time but i don’t feeling like i’m a back plan…and it just came out that way…sorry and don’t say more than that. You’re showing him that regret how you reacted and at the same time you’re not kissing his a** either and do it by text don’t call because there’s a good chance he won’t answer lol

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:25am

  270. 270: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Wife beater: http://www.google.com/m/search?site=images&source=mog&hl=en&gl=us&client=safari&q=wife%20beater#i=0

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:45am

  271. 271: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ha…risky business …… I do love that… someone around doing their own thing……. I really like that….it prevents me from doing LOTS of stuff (like inviting a bunch of gf’s over) that would interrupt his flow….but I love knowing he’s just around….. for me that is the relationship i want… nesting

    I didn’t like doing it alone…. even with all of the freedoms that comes with….. I would love to have a little “work studio”/boudoir…that I could escape to just to be super crazy and creative and play loud crazy music…..but this is nice and quaint…..well, it’s quaint for me ;)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:50am

  272. 272: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s a thought about obsession, take from it what you will: what if some obsession is actually the person you are bonded to not letting go, instead if vise versa? How would it feel to intuitively ask him to fish or cut bait for BOTH of your well being? And how would it feel to then let it go, believing that your request has been answered, and you will soon see the fruits of it, either as the man coming back or the obsession leaving?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:54am

  273. 273: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Haha, okay, WH, either quit obsessing about me dude or let’s get this thing rollin’. :D

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:17am

  274. 274: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Last night when I was falling asleep, I started thinking about Mary, and wondering how she was doing . . . and lo and behold, here she is this morning!

    Hi Mary! Glad to hear things are going well!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:23am

  275. 275: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t read that book, but it sounds like Daria’s words are an apt description of his thinking — “mental bs and rationalizing about relationships” — and hopefully he DID cut through that by the end of the story — yay! that would be great!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:32am

  276. 276: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I have to work tomorrow and I feel almost convinced that I hate my job. As in absolutely detest it….. I hate working Sunday….I usually don’t and maybe because I an working the hate and detest I feel is just growing…..faster…..and why don’t I quit? Because I feel safer having it as a back up plan….have I mentioned I am underpaid? I took this job as a desire to learn and insulate me from the fluctuating economy….(I usually work in a commission-based position/or free-lance) everything had dried up that I was used to…..and it was a good decision at the time….but now…..I feel stuck….working for crap….in an environment…that is visually stunning but energetically……not as exciting as I prefer….. and the commute is horrendous….and I don’t feel valued there…..I feel like an afterthought of ‘good ole reliable’ ….they make these mistakes and then want me to come in last minute…..and I am like….uh…no…. IT feels like a dead-end relationship….but he is really hot and I love his friends/family…..but the connection between us has long died……
    why am I scared to give up what feels like a hassle?
    oh right because the crappy pay just barely covers my bills……but if my man was not the breadwinner….I would be screwed…and working way too many hours to make ends meet…… actually……I would just get another job….somewhere else…. because I don’t believe in working that hard….hmm?
    I mean….this is teenager money!!! I am used to a different level with LESS work….and MORE personal freedoms……. mmmm….and I stay……why? oh….so that I don’t have to ask my man for EVERY LITTLE THING….. but….. I also don’t have to get serious about replacing it…… they neglect me there…..neglect is a form of abuse right? so is my job abusing me? no….I seem to have hired this job to abuse me :(

    sigh….. why? …. why am I settling? I feel so lazy….too lazy to look for something else…..to lazy to explore the “new town” closer to me…..and I feel scared of commitment !!!!! I feel scared to commit to a new job….I miss working for myself… I liked that….but how…… and what kind of job would support me …transitioning back to self employment again?……. grrrrr……I want to call them tomoro-and say GFY!!!!(go f*ck urself)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:37am

  277. 277: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Can someone take the time to comment on post #265? I would appreciate some advice!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:54am

  278. 278: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I say don’t do it….. be together…be perpetually engaged unless his passing will give the financial security to protect and ensure your retirement; this man sounds like a liability…. loving him does not mean you need to be financially obligated to cover his medical bills…. I feel like a shrewd B*tch…I love my shrewd B*tchness….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:01am

  279. 279: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, thanks for your response. My fiance claims I would not be responsible for his medical bills. He told me because he’s on medicare it would stay separate and that I could get a pre-nup on that one just to be sure..I will research that one some more. So he wouldn’t be a financial burden. He has a law suit going against a drug company for the drug that gave him a heart attack. So that would give us some added money, it’s been in the works for 3 years now. But, I am the only one who’d work, he’s not well enough at the current time. I am having some thoughts about that…any other thoughts girls?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:11am

  280. 280: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    This is a though one ! wow
    The only advice i can give you is to talk to him about your concerns…it is sad that he’s havin all these health problems but when you will say ” i do” they will become your problems too. Don’t be afraid to talk to him about that but you have to do it BEFORE you guys get married it won’t resolve itself if you just silence that, you can say somethin like ” honey there are certain things that concerns me…i feel worried about how the both of us r gonna deal financially with your health problems, i would feel better if we could start planning our finances so that when we get married we are ready to face this together and know exctly how are going to deal with this with both our salaries, what do you think ?
    That way he knows that this troubling you, that you are want to find a way to deal with this and that will give both of you an opportunity to make plans together maybe get other jobs with better salaries, health assurance etc..

    Hope that help ! and don’t feel sad i’m sure you guys will find a way to work this out.

    Kisses
    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:12am

  281. 281: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, I don’t know what to tell you. Financial stuff like that confuses me, too. I wish money was never a problem.

    Congratulations on your engagement though!

    I feel a little sad that what “should” be a happy time (announcing an engagement) is clouded by these concerns.

    I trust that you and your man will find the answer that is best for you.

    Love and wishes for peace and joy –
    Lucy

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:13am

  282. 282: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe and Lucy, you guys rock….To be a siren we have to look at things from a different vantage point. I like how you said for us to look at the situation together. I like how you said how important it is to plan a financial goal for our future. To put it like that….I don’t want him thinking I don’t want to be with him…Already his aunt said something about me wanting to wait til after December when my twin grand babies are coming…His aunt said, ‘sounds like she’s using that as an excuse…..’ Well, it’s true in a way. I don’t want to be a desperate woman….God only knows, I’ve been there too many times before. Yes, it’s sad that I can’t be real joyous because of having to worry about money…I want him to worry about money as much as I am. SO far he says, ‘we can work this out together.’ But his income monthly is so much smaller than mine…sort of easy for him to say.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:22am

  283. 283: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jeannette, Pepe has provided a wonderful feeling message to get the conversation going well. There are some other considerations, regardless of his health situation, he needs to feel like he is contributing to the relationship and you will need to feel a sense of equality in the partnership whatever that might look like. It doesn’t take long before resentment on either parts begins to take hold. So setting all emotion aside and living completely in my logic head here are some considerations for you:

    - what are the rules on his medicare on him working part-time and what might that look like
    - if he were to be looking after you, what might that look like so that you can also investigate new training processes for when you are no longer able to do massage thereapy at your current pace
    - how can he get some kind of training so that he can do some work that allows a top-up of his pension
    - what are you both able to do for long term health management
    - what will retirement life look like for you – what health and lifestyle conciderations will you have to make
    - what will you do when you want to take a year or 2 off to broaden or change your massage practice
    - what life insurance can you both get so that you are looked after should he die prior to you
    - how do you feel about being his “care provider” over the long term

    Lots and lots to think about! In some ways you are fortunate to have some of this knowing going in because many people are caught completely by surprise when their partner falls ill and they haven’t done any of the pre planning.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:28am

  284. 284: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Re:#227
    Nikita, I understand what you say. I cant tell you how much I hate my job. I am also underpaid.
    You know what, I was a fairly known writer in my language. Got lots of articles and stories published before I was 24. Got a job as a reporter in one of India’s best newspapers even before completing my masters. I quit that job to pursue research. Guess what I am doing now- some silly administrative work at the research institute. At times I feel I made a mistake.
    To top it all, in the last 3 years I did not move out and look for a better job because I was afraid I will lose him if I move away from him.
    What a loser I was!!
    Meemee

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:29am

  285. 285: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered. I love this place because it is the best place for triggers. Lots of forums on the internet are triggering but this is the only one where the stated purpose is to use that for personal growth.

    Trigger me baby

    I feel ignored here. I feel like I am being punished for leaving when people started talking down to each other. Wait. That is a THOUGHT. How do I feel.?? I feel unimportant and rejected. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to feel ummmmmmm I don’t know, honestly I don’t feel worthy of feeling better. When I feel rejected and unimportant, I feel like it is my moral duty to feel that way to appease the source of that trigger. like, look sirens! I feel so unimportant and rejected and i don’t feel worthy of feeling good! Aren’t you so pleased? Havent I gained your approval now?

    That feels like…YIKES
    i feel glad to recognize the pattern.

    The anger of feeling rejected and unimportant is not anger toward the source of the trigger but rather anger toward myself for not feeling more worthy of feeling something better.

    woah.
    thanks.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:39am

  286. 286: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    :( I feel sad that you feel ignored, Dorothea. I know that I didn’t purposely ignore you. I think I remember welcoming you back….? Or did I just welcome you in my head and not write it on here?

    Love and hugs to you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:47am

  287. 287: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Dorothea – have I ignored you??? I am a bit out of touch so I am not sure if you are needing some processing assistance?

    How is your new Job???

    Feeling rejected and ignored – I had that feeling this morning when I went to get the newspaper from the corner store. I went into the store, placed my coffee on the counter to get my change and this big man came in right behind me, reached across my face for a lotto form without saying excuse me. I picked up the paper, placed my money on the counter right beside my coffee and the big man, moved right behind me and ordered right over my head for a pack of smokes and gave the guy money for the loto! Like WTF AM I INVISIBLE!!! So I said so loudly to the lovely little man behind the counter, the newspaper $3.00! thank you!!
    I was so freaking pisssed at this big man taking up my space – and then I started laughing all the way home about how I actually recognized the feeling in my body!
    I am so proud of myself!

    Welcome back Dorothea!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:48am

  288. 288: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    And then you know what I was thinking??? I should have said to that big man – SO AM I FREAKING INVISIBLE!! LIKE EXCCCCSUUUSSSSEEEE ME!! I HOPE YOUR WIFE IS A BIG NAG!!!

    hahaha!!
    I love my head screaming at people and making me laugh

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:52am

  289. 289: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am decluttering my house, and I just found the two sticky notes that the marriage counselor had given my ex-h 15 YEARS ago!!!!

    One says: BE ATTENTIVE (Listen and Remember)

    The other says: BE ACTIVE (Implement and Initiate)

    Hehe. Wow.

    I wonder if I should give them to him next time I see him…. They are his, afterall. :D

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:57am

  290. 290: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I spent a few years with a man….that at one time I regret….but now I see…that going through the experience has made me so clear about what I want……this guy was living with me!! and when I asked him to split the electric bill he said I was after his money!! I felt so hurt and angry and helpless…and confused …. he was in MY APARTMENT …because he had no place!!….. and yet he seemed to think these bills were all my responsibility….I argued and fought him….. now….. after that…. I have never lived alone…. i always had a roommate so no man could move into my space because I am “nice”. I learned my weaknesses…and my weakness then was I was a “breadwinner” and very Independent….. he provoked me to prove my independence while he blamed me for asking for too much…. I know NOW I asked for too little….. that was the ONLY really bad treatment I got….from a man…… and I was surprised by it and confused….I tried to “convince” him I was not after his money…. once that happened it was all downhill….suddenly he was the female….and I was pursuing him…by trying to prove my genuine love…HA!!!!!!
    But…it is wonderful….. he proposed to me…and begged me to marry him….after many break ups and fights….I was soooo bored and confused by this strange way of relating that I said no….we dated too long…it doesn’t make sense to get married…. now….
    besides….. I am not even turned on anymore….I never understood…many break-ups and reconciliations…..because I was very strict about those things…. we only break up once :) and then I go and date another man :) oh well…moving right along….that was my motto….but this one man had me so confused and he had such a rough deal in life with his dad,….I felt “sorry” for him…lol…SO I STAYED….. I loss my apartment just to get away from him….. it was terrible….like a wolf that chews his leg off to escape from a trap…. and it was a trap….. I will NEVER feel ‘SORRY’ for a man again…it is a venus flytrap waiting to happen…..

    because of the experience I have a PASSION for good treatment…… I am sooooo focused….. and I met the man I am with now……. shortly after….. and I have dated many men throughout but I ALWAYS focus on treatment….. if he treats me well…I am with him….if I feel neglected….I get distracted with a different man that treats me better…

    If not for my “bad” “loser” experience I would get mixed up and confused like some other women….but I, as Shannon says….been there done that …sold the t-shirts…and starred in the sequels….so these little wimpy…poor me men….you never care about my feelings men can suck it! MY “bad” ex…..still lives home with his mama…..after I put him out….. no way…lol! I don’t think she wants him to leave….and you know what…I DON’T CARE because that is his stuff…not my stuff….not my business……and I have love for him…and I do care…but we do not talk….we do not stay in touch…i respect him……but our personalities together….just don’t work to for my happiness, and my happiness is MY priority…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:58am

  291. 291: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie,

    Or say out loud ” Hey fatso ! ” without looking at him (the guy behind you) but that would have gotten the attention of the man behind the counter and while looking at in the eyes place your order…and the fat guy had said something after that remark i would have say ” wha ???? was i talking to you ? are you fat ? ”
    loooool

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:03am

  292. 292: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am always trying to declutter but i feel addicted to clutter. So i decluttered and then I bought new clothes. I am going to throw away old clothes. Yeah, that’s right – THROW THEM OUT. The reality is I won’t ever get around to donating them.

    I wish all the sirens lived nearby cause you could come over and take the clothes you like. I have LOADS of cute clothes.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:04am

  293. 293: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe – you are so funny!
    Dorothea – thank – I do classic and sexy under-thingies – got any of that to give away??? Next man I get is going to have instructions: don’t by me diamonds, don’t buy me gold, buy me sexy underthingies!! (- or buy me a house in this outrageously expensive place)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:08am

  294. 294: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes! Loads of stuff I never even wore because I got them home and they didnt fit. No return policy on the panties and bras. Booooo

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:18am

  295. 295: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, did you read the thingy Siena posted about clutter? It was interesting.

    I was struggling with that whole thing of not getting around to donating yet not wanting to throw away good stuff — and then! A charity started coming to our neighborhood every two months picking up whatever boxes we set out on our driveways for them on pick-up day!!!! It’s great!!!! Yay!! Over the past year I have set out about 15 boxes!! Woohoo!! They just picked up four boxes from me last week.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:19am

  296. 296: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    ;
    @275: Lucy says:
    “Last night when I was falling asleep, I started thinking about Mary, and wondering how she was doing . . . and lo and behold, here she is this morning! “

    Do you mean “brisk-walk-and-hot-chocolate” Mary? I’ve also been wondering how she is doing lately. I was intrigued by her CL success. I don’t see a post from her today!

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:20am

  297. 297: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon- thanx, writing does help. A teeny bit.

    Pepe- No way am I contacting him. Besides, in the past I’ve broken up with him then called a week later to re-explain myself to soften the blow. It’d be overkill now.

    I felt I had to be rude because 2 hrs before he asked me to the show, my friends told me he’d sent out a mass email asking all his contacts. Thus, I truly was a backup plan.

    It nerves me to no end to hear he’s been pining for his ex he dated before me.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:25am

  298. 298: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel super nervous and just opened way up to LI about it. He said he has something important to ask me. He wants to ask me at the park and plan an evening about it.

    I feel terrified. I don’t want him to propose.

    But he could be asking me anything. To move in. To wear his letter jacket. To accept a new car from him. lol. to loan him 100 bucks.

    I shared with him my controlling feelings. He told me to quit trippin. Ok. I can do that.

    I feel amused.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:26am

  299. 299: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, LI just told me he will take me to donate whatever I want and drop it off at the thrift store. But I don’t want to even wash all my dirty clothes to give them away. It costs me a crapton of quarters haha. apartment life.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:31am

  300. 300: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, “been there done that …sold the t-shirts…and starred in the sequels…” Oh honey I am stealing back the Nikita version! That is written gold right there. LOL!

    Dorothea, I feel a little defensive. You stormed off the scene and now you’re back, and I’m suppose to say “oh wow Dorothea so awesome to see you!” My brain is thinking I didn’t do anything to deserve being left. Yes, I would like this triggered healed too because men do storm off and I’m suppose to be open and receiving when he comes back. But right now I feel annoyed and closed off. I wasn’t feeling that way when I first saw you post. I felt relieved, like order was restored or something, like breath of fresh air, all my girls are back. Hmmm… God just popped the Prodigal Son story in my head. Why do I feel so reluctant? It’s so much easier to feel welcoming and happy when the “end” was just a fade away and not a storm off.

    NOTE: I’m totally projecting on you. I feel hopeful you’ll take this in the spirit of healing my trigger.

    I have missed you writing here. How is LI?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:32am

  301. 301: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh Dorothea, a question, a question, he wants to ask a question…

    Oh my. Yeah! I feel nervous and excited. Wait…

    Does it piss anyone else off when someone says they want to ask a question instead of just asking the question?

    Like telling me they have an amazing present for me instead of just giving it to me?

    Tick, tock.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:36am

  302. 302: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, everything you say is cool with me, just in case you were feeling concerned about how I would take it. Me “storming off” (hello judgment words) had nothing to do with you.

    I don’t want to feel faulted for standing up for what is right.

    I don’t want to quietly fade away when I see women ripping each other apart under the guise of feeling messages or spiritual growth.

    Fade away feels like shrinking away.

    These are my own triggers.

    Haha, I should append “these are my own triggers” to everything I write here.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:37am

  303. 303: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    wow…that reminds me…I had found this tiny tight tank top that had ‘PERFECT’ written across the chest…I wore this shirt all the time….slept in it after our break-up in an effort to regain what I gave away…. my mojo :)
    I didn’t wear a bra with it either :)…I miss that shirt :(
    it was before the whole tshirt craze…it was so daring to just label myself perfect and not wear a bra….like “eff all of you”…..I’m perfect!! :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:39am

  304. 304: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, Mary posted on another thread…. either “How to Find Happiness…” or “Half-truths” …. not sure which one….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:40am

  305. 305: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha! Dorothea, you’re so right! It did feel like storming off to me. Dealt with a lot of that in my marriage… by me. Hello Pot, my name is Kettle. :-)

    Maybe I should change my name to “Trigger Worker”.

    Hahahahaha! I’m gonna get paid to work through my triggers! Holla.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:41am

  306. 306: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon is not “supposed to” say anything at all. Ohhh how awful it feels when we think we are being solicited for a certain kind of response that we’re not feeling comfortable with giving. I know that feeling!! Urgh! Worst feeling ever. I feel for you, Shannon!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:42am

  307. 307: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Girls learn feeling surprised by a man !
    although i hate when you get all excited and worried about what question he’s gonna ask or what does he want to talk about or what surprise is he talking about and the moment finally arrives… he’s looking at you with a moronish expression “wha did i do ? ALL i wanted to know is if you liked mm’s too ! why do you look so upset ??? ”

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:44am

  308. 308: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ummm… would anyone care to comment on my profile idea (#145)? I feel nervous, and I’m putting off unhiding my Match profile. Been getting pretty strong signals to put it back up but I feel compelled to keep asking God and delaying it.

    I feel vulnerable asking for this and embarrassed. It typically bugs me when people ask for comments, like hello needy (hello judgment).

    Ugh. Posting this anyway. I do feel needy. Needy of affirmation.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:44am

  309. 309: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    WEll sh*t …. I FEEL left out!!!

    I did welcome Dorothea back and dedicated a link to her and she never even acknowledged my presence in letters….. so THERE !!!! I feel unseen…unheard….resentful….angry…..and mean!!

    I hear griping about the bad stuff but NO acknowledgment of the good(me, miss perfect).

    xxx
    Nikita
    These are MY OWN triggers…

    haha-snark

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:46am

  310. 310: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    uh yeah…I didn’t like your profile idea.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:47am

  311. 311: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,
    Thanks for sharing this with me. Till I found this blog, I did not know what to do with my bad experiences. I thought I am in a vicious circle, inflicting pain after pain on me. I was the one doing everything to keep the relationship going- I did the talking, I did the calling, texting, I asked him whether we could meet for dinner, I rememered his birthday, I did everything and I thought I was right in doing so. And when I got nothing but bad treatment and insults in return I felt bitter, I felt like a stupid.
    After meeting you people, after reading this blog, I realized I can use these bad experiences for something better- to create boundaries, to set my non negotiable standards, to make a decision that I will should tolerate a man who treats me without respect. I am trying to do all these. It is difficult not to think the thoughts I have been thinking. It is hard to change the patterns I established in thoughts and actions. But I am trying.
    I stopped rowing the boat. And the boat stopped. Then I realized I was the one rowing it.
    I feel stupid when I think of that. But I feel incredibly happy that I stopped it.
    Hugs
    Meemee

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:47am

  312. 312: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday was my first day at my new job and it felt simply great. I had an easy time waking up at the crack of dawn, I looked fly, I had a productive day, I noticed my workaholic triggers of feeling inadequate, I had a nice lunch, I came home and had free time to do whatever. I put on some sexy clothes and did my dishes. I made a meal plan. I was going to go to the grocery store but smoked a bowl instead – something I NEVER do anymore. Then I txtd LI that I was hungry and didnt have any food in my house so will he take me for some food? and he took me to my favorite place and watched me eat and then paid for it. cute!
    This weekend I don’t HAVE to do anything. There are things I want to do though. Weeee

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:47am

  313. 313: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh nikita you are right! I am sorry!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:49am

  314. 314: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — Welcome back!

    I know what you mean about feeling ignored and rejected though…no one has touched either of my last two posts with a 120 foot pole…it’s like I turned into Casper or something and no one can see me anymore. What’s up with that?

    Let us know what your great big question is…it sounds like it’ll be something really cool!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:50am

  315. 315: lmNo Gravatar says:

    my long-ago ex keeps calling me asking for custody of my dog so his new girlfriend can have company! i feel really gross and pressured! and pissed off!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  316. 316: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    pepe 308 LOLOLOL
    you’re right. u crack me up too hahahahahaha

    all i wanted to know is if you like mm’s too

    JEEZ, U STUPID MAN, I HATE MM’S. and now i hate you too!!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  317. 317: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :D omg I feel soooo much better :)

    xxx
    NIkITA
    (lil miss perfect)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  318. 318: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, Ouch. Umm… okay. Care to help? I feel open to ideas. I want it to feel different. Most profiles are these paragraphs of words, words, words. I want mine to feel different. Last time was a list of simple pleasures but I feel weird posting that again. I guess I could update it. Suggestions?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:52am

  319. 319: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, I wasn’t crazy about your profile idea, either, but thought to myself, “What do I know? I’m not a guy — maybe guys would love it!”

    How about just –

    “I rock.”

    And lots of pics.

    :D

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:55am

  320. 320: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    how could I send you a link to one of my profiles?
    that is the only help I feel capable of right now but I don’t want to post it on the board…secret me ….ya know?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:56am

  321. 321: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    oooooh yah!! I like that!!

    “I ROCK”

    xxx
    lil miss perfect

    see pics for details LOL!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:57am

  322. 322: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    looool
    Happy that you like my sense of humor guys !
    laughing is real good !

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:58am

  323. 323: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I would feel like cutting off somebody’s balls if they wanted MY dog to entertain their new GF….like….
    dude…..GET YOUR OWN DOG…..sheesh…get a cat

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:00pm

  324. 324: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, lots of times I “turn into Casper” (love the metaphor!!!) too . . . I just keep going, figuring that nobody had anything to say about it, and if I really need a response or help, I’ll do what Shannon did, and Jeannette, and repost, letting everyone know I feel a strong need for a response. But sometimes I don’t feel a strong need…. so I just think the best of everyone and myself and assume I am not really being ignored. :D

    That said, which posts would you like a response to? :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:02pm

  325. 325: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I mean, dude, have you been paying dog support??? then how can you ask for custody on behalf of a stranger???
    just admit you miss me and her bj’s suck….or don’t suck enough…drop the games dude…i feel suspicious….and conserned….the two of you just aren’t gonna make it if you’re so boring you need Fido to play back-up…… I mean, really? what are you going through?……what’s REALLY going on?…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:03pm

  326. 326: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita! I hope you saw my apology. I didn’t mean anything by not responding. The ironic thing is I was just stoned at the time. I like the link mucho.
    ****
    In unrelated news

    My goal is to work through my triggers here while also respecting other people’s triggers. I don’t want to workk through triggers in a way that blames other people. even though it looks like a feeling message but feels like shit to those who read it. And I don’t want to enable others to blame others with their communication. Saying you feel attacked or don’t want to be attacked doesn’t mean you are actually being attacked, right? But by the time u’ve said that, the person you said it to feel shut down and blamed, and actually wants to attack the shit out of you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:03pm

  327. 327: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    You girls are too interesting today! — I’m not getting my work done!!!!! :P

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:05pm

  328. 328: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    yes Dorothea, I saw your apology and I responded to it with a feeling message….

    318: Nikita says:

    omg I feel soooo much better

    xxx
    NIkITA
    (lil miss perfect)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:51am

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:06pm

  329. 329: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    woah, rori fixed the cussing filter. thanks rori<3

    it's one thing to say u feel attacked and leave it at that. it's another to say it as a way of controlling the other person or havin an expectation to outcome. like. i feel attacked so u have to shut up now and i win. i am sooo enlightened and u r shit.

    woah

    sarcasm.

    sarcasm indicates anger in this particular instance.

    i feel angry at manipulation.

    i feel angry for manipulating people myself.

    ohhhh this is GOOD

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:06pm

  330. 330: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh i am blind, nikita, thanks.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:08pm

  331. 331: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    haha and u r shit…haha :) ROLF… !!!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:09pm

  332. 332: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — It was post #259 that I was looking for a response to — Casper thanks you for your reply:)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:10pm

  333. 333: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    SS,
    where is your profile… i’m looking for it but can’t find it there’s like a douzen post can u give me tha number of your profile post ?

    gracias
    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:10pm

  334. 334: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, it feels good to read what you wrote about working through triggers.

    Rori suggested this to me: “I know you are not attacking me, but it feels like that.”

    What do you think?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:11pm

  335. 335: lmNo Gravatar says:

    326 – nikita,

    no dog support and he sent me an email giving me custody after we broke up (almost 3 years ago!!).

    this guy worked out of town half the year and didn’t even see the dog half the time! this is the 3 or 4th time he’s contacted me on this topic (each time several emails, texts and phone calls).

    i feel sort of weird about the whole thing. i defriended him on facebook and then he suddenly wanted my dog. and he’s GETTING MARRIED this year…shouldn’t he be focused on that? i have no romantic feelings for him and i feel really harassed!

    whew…i feel better.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:11pm

  336. 336: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    You cussed, Dorothea? I missed it!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:12pm

  337. 337: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Why didn’t my :+) turn into a smiley? Huh. :?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:12pm

  338. 338: lmNo Gravatar says:

    nikita – he already has two cats. it is crazy.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:13pm

  339. 339: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “i am sooo enlightened and u r shit.”

    Hehe. If someone says that, or thinks it, isn’t it an oxymoron? :D

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:14pm

  340. 340: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hmmm lucy that is a decent idea. i know ur not attacking me but it feels like that

    i dunno

    if i felt compelled to say that, i wouldn’t actually KNOW they weren’t attacking me. it would be dishonest for me to say that i knew better.

    hmmm.

    going to ponder

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:15pm

  341. 341: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh! Was “shit” the cuss??? LOL.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:15pm

  342. 342: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I had that issue with it, too. Like, hmmm, maybe this person really IS attacking me (which is why it feels like an attack).

    How about, “I don’t know if you are attacking me or not, but it feels like an attack, and I feel bad.”

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:18pm

  343. 343: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    IM,
    text him with a : “dude !!!! buy another dog for her and stop bothering me with that because i’m starting to feel annoyed ! Keep it coming and i will suit your sorry a** for dog harrasement… you’ll feel it hard the next you’ll see a dog you’ll run screaming like someone stole your popsicle ”

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:18pm

  344. 344: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Reading Casper’s #259…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  345. 345: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    IM,

    RED FLAG.

    will you tell us his b-day??( wicked smile )

    mmm…this seems….crazy…like sag!!! crazy!!! or cancer possesive….or maybe capricorn….center of attention!!!! uh oh…. am I being SHITTY?

    rofl!!!! :shock:

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:22pm

  346. 346: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe, we could make that into something gentler

    like

    i don’t want to hear about you taking my dog anymore. it feels awful to think about losing my dog. i would feel a lot better if u just got a new one for yourselves.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:24pm

  347. 347: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Blondie called me this morning, btw, which I missed because I was getting my nails done for my date tonight. I feel good that I missed his call (though I would have loved to have talked to him)…but it makes it clear I’m busy when I’m too tied up to take his calls, ya know?

    Anyway…you girls have me ROLFMAO this afternoon — rock on!

    Shannon — I have no really good input about your profile…I think my profiles aren’t all that strong actually so I wouldn’t feel good advising you on yours.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:24pm

  348. 348: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, Renee . . . My honest impressions… Don’t read if you don’t want to hear it. (Haha, Rori trick. :))

    I hear a lot of game-playing and manipulation in your thoughts. . . a lot of trying to control things, both with Blondie and with the business prospects/potential CD’s.

    Disclaimer: I am not saying that’s what you are doing — I’m saying that’s what I hear . . . which could be my own filters, etc.

    What do you think?

    LOVE,
    Lucy

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:26pm

  349. 349: lmNo Gravatar says:

    nikita – i am going to write this down..

    “I will NEVER feel ‘SORRY’ for a man again…it is a venus flytrap waiting to happen…..”

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:28pm

  350. 350: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,
    lol gentler’s good too ! lol

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:29pm

  351. 351: lmNo Gravatar says:

    his birthday is…november 28, i think.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:30pm

  352. 352: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    ugh…Dorothea is being the voice of reason and not riding the bandwagon of ridiculousness with me….

    hey YOU! get back here and be ridiculous with me!!!

    :(

    I feel controlly and attacky when I say that….sigh….

    peer pressure :shock:

    I feel really angry imagining my dog playing with my ex’s fiance …at my expense….I love my dog and we intend to stay together… I don’t want to have this conversation again…..I felt relieved with the email that said he was all mine and I feel comfortable with our original arrangement….Good luck …and I hope you find what you’re looking for ….. without me feeling crappy about it….or giving away my beloved pet.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:31pm

  353. 353: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i told him:

    ‘i feel weird. i don’t want to talk about this anymore.’ he hasn’t responded.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:32pm

  354. 354: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    AHAAAAA!!!!!! it is sag!!!!! crazy mofo’s

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:33pm

  355. 355: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — There is some game-playing going on, but I feel like everyone else is playing a game from their angle and I need to play one from my angle…I’m just trying to watch out for my best interests instead of worrying about the men’s best interests, you know?

    But I am trying to control and I know that…I’m working on trying to just accept what is and go with the flow, but I’m a total control freak and it’s so hard.

    Felt really good when Blondie called this morning…I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday and it was nice to hear his voice:)

    I will take your words under advisement, but on the sex thing…how to ensure he’s really still “in it” and has not just decided I’m good to keep around for a piece when he wants it? That would feel awful to think that’s where he was coming from, but if that’s what’s true, how do I suss it out?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:33pm

  356. 356: lmNo Gravatar says:

    he’s definitely not getting her! she’s mine!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:33pm

  357. 357: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha! Lucy, after I asked again I thought why the hell am I asking women what they think about my profile? ;-)

    Nikita, I’ve linked my blog profile to this post. Maybe you can click my name and grab my email address. Once you do, I’m going to take it back off again. Yes, I feel paranoid. This is James Bond stuff. Haha!

    IM, I wonder if you could say “I feel curious about this contact about my dog. I don’t want to give you my dog. I feel clear about that and yet there’s still this contact. I feel confused and yet curious to know why. What do you think?” My belief: he misses you.

    Okay, I guess I will work on something else for my profile. Writing “I rock” is a possibility but I feel nervous about that. Do I rock? Eeep. Lots of butterflies…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:36pm

  358. 358: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @305: Lucy says:
    “SLV, Mary posted on another thread…. either “How to Find Happiness…” or “Half-truths” …. not sure which one….”

    It’s because of her ad that I’m scouting CL for future use. If I read “backwards” in the threads and “see her” there I’ll say “Hi.” I’m new here and don’t want her to think I’m a stalker… :lol:

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:38pm

  359. 359: lmNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for the dog feedback!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:38pm

  360. 360: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, about the sex — I would say have sex with him if YOU want to, with NO agenda, NO attachment to the outcome — just for the pleasure of the moment and how it feels good to be with him emotionally and physically — if and when it does for you….

    AND, use feeling messages and “don’t wants” to communicate with him about it — BUT, you’re going to have to trust whatever he says to be the truth (even if it isn’t) — and trust YOURSELF to take care of you no matter what.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:39pm

  361. 361: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    SS,

    ok..I sent you an email…a lazy email but…I hope it works :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:42pm

  362. 362: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Yes trust what he says but watch his “acting” also
    you know what they say when guys don’t walk the talk… i forgot the rest

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:42pm

  363. 363: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I do not like this new font :(

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:43pm

  364. 364: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lucy. My guy friend says to wait 3 dates and see what he does, but it seems kind of silly to go backwards like that…and yet….I don’t know.

    He asked me yesterday when he was going to get to make love to me again (after I shared with him this erotic dream I had) and I just ignored the question, so I think he’s under the impression it might be a little while before we do again and I’m curious how soon he’s going to try to see me now that I’ve turned him down for Sunday. I miss him so much though, that I’m halfway considering telling him my plans fell through for Sunday just so I can see him after all…

    Oh well…just do it if I feel like it emotionally…we have such a strong physical connection and I don’t want to wait that long (if I do have to wait). Guess we’ll see how I feel.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:44pm

  365. 365: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, Got it! Hooray! :-)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:45pm

  366. 366: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him that you have no more plans for sunday cause he will sense that you say that because yeah you miss him that much… does he changes his plans for you ?
    That will make him eager to see you, about the sex…it doesn’t matter if you go backwards, what you didn’t sign a contract with him saying after the first we have sex i have to keep it up ! I agree with your guy friend…keep ur finger on the pause button for that area that’s only way u’ll know for sure what’s his intentions are…

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:55pm

  367. 367: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    319: Simply Shannon says:
    “…Most profiles are these paragraphs of words, words, words…Suggestions?”

    I saw your profile but since I’m an online dating virgin I was hesitant to respond. Your profile looks original, intelligent and fun. I wish I could do one that looks as good.

    I suppose the real qualifier is the kind of results you get. Keep us posted.

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:56pm

  368. 368: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Well hell. I guess I’m back in the dating game. To read OkCupid, you have to enable your account for at least one week. :shock:

    Nikita = knockout. Holy moly.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:56pm

  369. 369: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    someone didnt close their italics tag

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:57pm

  370. 370: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    test

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:57pm

  371. 371: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    silly italics.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 12:58pm

  372. 372: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, here’s how I came up with the “I rock” idea for your profile:

    I asked myself, “Hmmm, what do I know about Shannon…?”

    I answered myself, “She rocks.”

    Bingo!

    “I rock.”

    :D

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:04pm

  373. 373: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    364: Nikita says:
    “…new font”

    Gee, I thought it was my fault and I was beginning to feel like the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” :oops: Did I forget to turn it off?…

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:05pm

  374. 374: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #271 Sienna

    Ah, a tank top or as they call it in Australia a singlet :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:06pm

  375. 375: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    test, closing tag one more time…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:11pm

  376. 376: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    again

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:12pm

  377. 377: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies-

    In light of all that Rori teaches and all that we/I am trying to learn and keep. Very cool song.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HStSKy2Ck9k

    Both men I have been dating for the last 5 months who both want “exclusivity” have now basically left. they both got very jealous about me dating others and said they “would no compete”. I have given both of the them the no girlfriend speech more than once,
    one hung around for a while and then freaked out.

    The other said he would not work toward marraige if I would not be exclusive with him. So-I said ok and I got on my horse and rode off. It felt bad and scary and weird for a couple days. I felt I should have gone exclusive with the one guy. But then no. What is wrong with these men? They shy away from fighting for the women. They don’t want to have to work for it. They are so used to being given it one a silver platter for the last forty years that they walk when things get a little tough. Wow.

    Rori says these men do not step up and won’t and a better one will. I have to keep thinking that. So right now I am back to square one. Zero. Next guy in the line up. Oh how this gets old and oh how I get tired of this. Dating and dating and dating, and none of them step up. they get up to the line, want to “keep” you without a real commitment and then vanish if you wont do it their way.

    Argggh!! These men make me furious. Trigger trigger trigger. I want to slap them and dunk them in a pail of water. I want to called them Idiots! I an angry. I love my anger…..sh*t fire to save matches…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:14pm

  378. 378: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I am so blushing 8) , SS

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:14pm

  379. 379: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea:

    Hi! And welcome back!

    I do feel happy to see you but I just I am also feeling a bit weird reading some of your words about the fighting on the blog. When I read them, I hear a lot of judgement and that makes me feel standoff-ish.

    To me, (and I recognize this is being translated through my own filter) I hear you making others wrong. I hear you saying “you all don’t know how to treat people. You don’t act right. You aren’t right. You are wrong. You are bad.”

    and I know that you didn’t even leave because of me. I wasn’t a part of the whole hub bub that bothered you. But I have been part of drama in the past.

    So ya, I guess I’m just wanting to communicate what came up for me when I saw your post. I felt excited to see you but also trepidatious to comment when you said “are you guys not being cruel to each other?”.

    That felt like saying “hey, I’ll come play if you act exactly the way I want” and that feels weird and uncomfortable to me because I don’t know your exact rules and I can’t promise that I will be able to follow them.

    Sometimes I am cruel. Sometimes I make mistakes.

    But yes, I am happy to see you and I feel a little weird writing this. I’m really working on having the courage to express uncomfortable feelings I have when they are small and before they become raging triggerfests.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:18pm

  380. 380: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    how do i fix this font issue Dorothea wondered…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:19pm

  381. 381: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    But why is this font issue our responsibility..I just figured Rori was experimenting with her own settings…?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:24pm

  382. 382: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am trying to work out small triggers, too!

    I’m not sure if i’ll ever be “ok” with the way people were acting here. i don’t like feeling wrapped up in wanting to explain myself either. Craving approval for my actions and opinions from others has never actually improved my life but it’s second nature to me and underlies most of what i do and feel. i could just as easily not seek approval for being me and get the same exact outcome. or maybe a better outcome. remains to be tested and seen.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:25pm

  383. 383: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle girl,

    I have to admit that i feel uncomfortable with the dating other guys… all the girls that i know that got married didn’t circular date… i think the reason rori’s says CD is good is to stop us from getting our energy and toughts glued on Our guy, i would CD if my guy is actin up but if he’s not i don’t see the point… but that’s me.
    I think it’s great that these guys asked you to be exclusive with them, maybe you could have tried to be exclusive with the one you liked the most and see what happens next i mean they knew that you were keepin ur options open and that if they act right u’ll walk cause duh he’s not the only man on earth who wants to be have a relationship with you.

    Are you sure that with them it’s really done ? you haven’t heard from them at all ?

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:31pm

  384. 384: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #265 Jeanette

    My sister S married M about 14 years ago (2nd marriage). He was in perfectly good health (they thought) until about 5 years ago when he started having heart attacks, it seems he had some congenital heart disease. For the past 2 years he was unable to work and she became the breadwinner and he had a small disability pension, of course in the UK medical treatment is free for everybody so no worries on that score.

    I just got the dreaded phone call from England to tell me that M has passed away a few hours ago. I phoned my sister and we talked about M and what a good man he was and how much they loved each other and she said “I know, I was so lucky to have him.”

    He was 50 years young, life REALLY is too short.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  385. 385: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel trapped in a battle between being judge n jury for whether other people’s negative feelings or actions are good enough and being boundary-less.
    i feel pouty about this. i feel like a toddler!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:35pm

  386. 386: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Not looking for an answer to this (mainly because I’m scared of what the answer might be) . . . but I’m finding myself feeling curious reading –

    “I’m not sure if i’ll ever be “ok” with the way people were acting here.”

    I feel curious about which ones of us Dorothea is talking about — because, as I saw it, Person A thought Person B was the one acting cruel, and Person B thought Person A was the one acting cruel, and Person C thought the same as Person A, and Person D thought the same as Person B etc etc etc.

    Each person thought the OTHER person was the one “behaving badly” and not themselves.

    So it feels kinda weird to think about…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:35pm

  387. 387: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I put in the tags (and I believe I did also in my post which turned on the i formattting) but the italics still did not turn off.

    Triggered!!! Am I also banished? On “Candid Camera?” “Candid Webcam?” :lol:

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:41pm

  388. 388: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    i feel curious also to know who your talking about
    is it me ???

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:43pm

  389. 389: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t feel like anyone was being cruel to ME at all.

    I felt a number of triggers now that i’m thinking about it some more. I could have shared them at the time. I felt like part victim, part protector.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:44pm

  390. 390: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ya, for me, that’s the point. We all think we are right and the other is being cruel. It’s just a matter of perspective.

    But Dorothea, one thing that may make you feel better is Rori did just recently post that thinks the triggering point has been made and she is now requesting that we start usuing feeling messages when we are triggered. I felt relieved reading that.

    Have you seen the post Dorothea? Does that help you to feel more safe? Lucy also posted a great summary of what Rori said. I can try and find it if you haven’t seen it. I feel crooks how you feel about it.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  391. 391: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Test

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  392. 392: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Test 2

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  393. 393: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Slv – it would feel great if you could close the italics tag, and also teach me the cool way you used it to affect the whole board

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:48pm

  394. 394: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh oops! I see you’ve tried!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:49pm

  395. 395: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Omg! I feel curious not crooks!

    Thanks but no thanks iPhone spellcheck. It’s really not helping.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:50pm

  396. 396: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yes! i heard rori said something about it so i thought yay i will try to use this community beneficially now to work through my triggers in a yummy constructive way.

    i am really going to try.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:51pm

  397. 397: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Needing to riff some more…

    When I saw rori’s post about the “squeaky voice” I felt scared and sort of let down. I was wondering why would she encourage people to express judgements and such.

    Then, when I saw her recent post about using feeling messages and that she wasn’t condoning judgemental statements, I felt so relieved. I feel safe when there are some sort of guidelines for communication.

    Then I felt doubtful thinking well there are no guidelines in the real world. So maybe it’s good to have a free for all here. Then we get to practice.

    But the truth is, I felt safer when there is some sort of framework set up for how to deal with our triggers. And it does feel like spiritual growth for me…using feeling statements to process through triggers.

    Dorothea you said

    “My goal is to work through my triggers here while also respecting other people’s triggers. I don’t want to workk through triggers in a way that blames other people. even though it looks like a feeling message but feels like shit to those who read it. And I don’t want to enable others to blame others with their communication. Saying you feel attacked or don’t want to be attacked doesn’t mean you are actually being attacked, right? But by the time u’ve said that, the person you said it to feel shut down and blamed, and actually wants to attack the shit out of you.”

    think the reason feeling message like “I feel attacked” feel blameful and triggering is because they aren’t really feeling statements.

    I wonder if saying “I feel furious because I’m thinking you are attacking me” might feel less triggering or blameful.

    I feel rambling right now. I’m just trying to understand all this.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:03pm

  398. 398: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

    394: Daria says:
    “Slv – it would feel great if you could close the italics tag, and also teach me the cool way you used it to affect the whole board”

    It was totally accidental. I would never interfere with the blog on purpose…

    I checked the source code and found my error at #359 — the end tag (closing tag) is broken. I’m guessing my ancient fingers or brain cells were a tad dyslexic.

    The break–> is left caretbracket i space slash right caretbracket

    Got any ideas how to fix? I added correct closing brackets a couple times to subsequent posts, usually that closes off the style and starts again…but this time…no joy.

    Feel like crying…and feeling sad and decrepit.

    SLV :cry:

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:09pm

  399. 399: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, SLV! I don’t want you to feel bad! We all know it was an accident, and I don’t think anyone is upset with you. I *think* Daria actually DOES think it’s cool that there is a way to have that much power (am I right, Daria?)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:13pm

  400. 400: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Margaret Paul calls statements like “I feel attacked, judged, etc” blaming feelings.

    I wish I could remember where I saw it and exactly what she said. But I remembering reading it and thinking aha, that why I feel so triggered when people say those type of things.

    If someone says “I feel pissed because I think you are judging me” then it feels like there is a little wiggle room. It’s like saying “I think you are judging me but I recognize that it’s in my head and I’m not going to presume to be in your head and know exactly what you are thinking”. And that feels like there is room for growth and personal responsibility.

    When someone says “I feel judged, attacked, etc” my internal reaction is shear anger because I see that person putting themselves in victim mode and thereby puttin me in the victimizer role and that really really triggers me.

    Wow! Interesting. What I I didn’t get triggered by that. Hmmmm. I’m going to ponder that. What if I didn’t get triggered when people go in to victim mode.

    “I feel judged”

    my normal response (in my head) “barf! Gimme a break.”

    my new response. “hmmm, yes I can imagine that you feel bad right now. It must feel bad to see yourself as a victim. What can we do to empower you”.

    Once again….just rambling. Sorting some stuff out. I welcome any thoughts (or feelings).

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:14pm

  401. 401: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes of course! And I feel awful reading any kind of putting yourself down. I feel Bad. It just feels awful and I don’t want to have my sirens putting themselves down.

    Not on my watch! As Rori says.

    Not subtly not with justification nada.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:17pm

  402. 402: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh SLV! I feel bad that you are upset. It’s no big deal. Sh*t happens. No use crying over spilled milk!

    I want to hig your little girl right now and tell her it’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn and awesome new things are discovered. I think it’s super cool that you even know how to do all those things. All I can do is a smiley face :-)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:18pm

  403. 403: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  404. 404: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    pooh pooh……I feel angry you feel judged… (how do i emoticon sticking my tongue out?)

    I feel like ignoring you…because I refuse to feel sorry for you…

    traaalaaaa laaaaaa… I am smurfette ;)

    hahaaaa…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  405. 405: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    LG, I feel interested in this too.

    How about we work through an example?

    Person A: You are an idiot!

    Person B: I feel judged.

    OR

    I feel furious being called an idiot.

    OR

    I feel furious because I think you are judging me.

    And Rori says, then do the walkaway.

    Sometimes people actually ARE judging.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  406. 406: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:20pm

  407. 407: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I like I feel furious being called an idiot.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:22pm

  408. 408: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Person A: You are an idiot!

    Person B: I know you are but what am I?

    Person non grata: lurk, lurk, lurk

    Person A: you are such an idiot you are too stupid to see I am telling you what you are, an IDIOT.

    Person B: I’m rubber you’re glue…whatever you say bounces off of me AND STICKS TO YOU.

    persona non grata: traaa laaaa laaaa… lurk,lurk,lurk

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  409. 409: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Nikita, in your example, Person B is saying a form of “Mirror!”

    Interesting….

    Does that mean that any time we are pointing out a mirror or projection, we might as well be saying, I know you are but what am I?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:28pm

  410. 410: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ Laughing goddess
    thanks, I’ll be accepting that hug about now…

    @& nikita
    Razz, tongue out is without space ==> : P

    Embarassed face is without spaces ==> : oops :

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:29pm

  411. 411: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Person A: You are an idiot.

    Person B: I feel like punching anyone in the face that calls me an idiot…. I feel violent when I am called names…. I feel like strangling the person with my bare hands….. I feel angry and unseen….. being called names does not meet my need for respect and compassionate communication….. I feel like ignoring you because I do not feel safe if I am being called names….I feel bi*chy….defensive and invisible..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:29pm

  412. 412: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :P

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:29pm

  413. 413: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I don’t know…I don’t make the rules…I just memorize them.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:30pm

  414. 414: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    you know what rings really true for me personally? is that sometimes the walkaway or ignore is a way of controlling and punishing for triggering us. like when we dont pick up the phone even though we so terribly much want to talk to the guy. we’re not done having control.

    then we feel guilty and afraid of losing that person cuz we were playing control and punishment games.

    then we overfunction to make up for that.

    blah. feels gross. guilt and control are woven into most everyone’s daily action and thought process. this makes me feel like puking cuz i don’t think most people are aware of it at all. and those who are half the time can’t or dont do aything about it.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:31pm

  415. 415: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :oops:

    I am not razzing slv :(

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:31pm

  416. 416: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Person A: You did blah blah blah, every time you blah blah blah, you are blah blah blah, I think you blah blah blah blah….

    Person B: I feel furious hearing this.

    Walkaway.

    Person A: If you walk away, you are never going to grow! Stay here so I can help you!

    Person B [furiouser and furioser, and wanting to DEFEND herself!!!! .... walks away and drops to the floor and cries and comes back later when she feels better, hoping that Person A won't say things like that again.]

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:32pm

  417. 417: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    cha-chiggetty….check yo-self before you wreck yourself

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  418. 418: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yes Daria! That feels good!

    I feel furious being called an idiot.

    I FEEL FURIOUS BEING CALLED AND IDIOT!!!!

    Ha ha. It feel clear and honest. I really like it. I’m going to use that next time someone calls me an idiot. :-)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  419. 419: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I like #412!!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  420. 420: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am not a nazi. i might feel indignant about the way someone responds to me but that’s my business. there is nothing more tiring than saying to someone who is triggerng u or hurting u “CAN’T YOU SEE YOU ARE HURTING ME SO BAD.”

    very few people like hurting others. so they especially dont like hearing that they are making u feel hurt. and sometimes they are not actually hurting u or meaning to hurt u, so you counterstrike with hurting them this way.

    complicated. to be clear i am usign the proverbial ‘you’ here

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:34pm

  421. 421: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I effin hate this!!!

    Person A: If you walk away, you are never going to grow! Stay here so I can help you!

    and I know people that do it…… i think it is their form of control….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:36pm

  422. 422: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :P

    GOLD STAR!!! for nikita …(crowd roars)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:37pm

  423. 423: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, interesting perspective about walkaway and ignore being a form of control and punishment.

    I *think* it depends on the person/personality.

    For me, walking away or ignoring is extremely difficult — almost impossible — so, for me, it actually feels like LETTING GO of control –

    walking away, *letting* the other person have their beliefs and thoughts about me that feel so bad to me instead of trying to defend myself and make them change their mind about me –

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:40pm

  424. 424: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Nikita, I hate that too! That’s what really gets to me! I don’t know how to deal with it! I feel like punching them, and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:41pm

  425. 425: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Whoops, meant to say Lucy and Daria.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:42pm

  426. 426: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I tend to walk away when I have decided to start beating in your face with a hammer….that usually gets me to leave the scene…..I come back or reach out when I am thoroughly cooled off and trust myself not to say mean destructive crap….and anyone getting in my way when I am walking away is *asking for it* in my mind….and I will give it to you….so …..yeah….I think it’s time for me to leave…your unborn children will thank me later….
    it feels like a definite boundary issue for me…if you *can’t let me go* you are addicted to the *scene* and looking for the *wrong* kind of attention.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:46pm

  427. 427: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Nikita
    “I am not razzing slv

    I know. : wink : :wink:

    Bzzzztttt, bzzzzttt, bzzzzzzztttt, that’s my woman brain trying to find a solution.

    If I was a man I’d be tucking the whole thing in the “nothing box.” :lol:

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:47pm

  428. 428: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    For me, what Lucy says in #424 rings true a well. It’s extremely hard for me to walk away and it is a form of giving up control. I do see some people use the walk away to control though. Hmmm, interesting.

    I’m really learning fromthis conversation. Thanks ladies!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:49pm

  429. 429: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Aw, LG, thanks! Lol. This is embarrassing to admit, but I worked through a teeny tiny trigger when you didn’t “credit” me. [blushing] Lol. I feel silly and childish. I feel good that maybe admitting something like this can help other people face stuff that feels petty. I told myself, “It doesn’t matter whose idea it was, all that matters is that we are all learning and growing together.” And I felt good about that new story instead of the pouty baby story I reactively told myself at first. And then, wow! I felt surprised that you added my name! Be surprised.

    I feel stupid posting this.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:50pm

  430. 430: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Dorthea: I guess if I were to answer your original question “are you guys not being cruel to each other?”, the answer would be…

    I dunno, it depends on who you ask.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:52pm

  431. 431: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: awww I feel tender hearing you admit your trigger. I feel understanding as I have been in similar situations. I also feel grateful for having those little triggers to practice on and feel hopeful that someday I’ll be able to deal with the big triggers.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:56pm

  432. 432: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    So now i feel a little triggered about something Nikita said. I felt bad admitting that I feel angry when someone says “I feel judged”. I’m judging myself for being heartless by nit supporting someone in being a victim. I feel hypocritical. Maybe I’m making myself a victim when I say someone else is putting me in the role of being a victimizer when they make themselves a victim.

    Noone has the power to make me a victimizer. By thinking they do, I am giving up my power.

    Wow! This feels like a deep thing for me. I feel really pissed when I think people are trying to pull the victim card. WTF? What is this all about.

    I feel furious when I think people are doing that. I feel livid. I feel like crushing them.

    I would much rather someone be openly in my face vs. Playing the victim card. Ugh. I feel pissed just thinking about it. WTF?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:03pm

  433. 433: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    What really bothers ME is when someone accuses someone of playing “victim” — and then later turns around and plays victim themselves.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:07pm

  434. 434: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    aah yes, the old bait and switch

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:11pm

  435. 435: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Person A: I feel attacked.

    Me: I feel livid hearing you say you feel attacked. I don’t want to have the power to hurt you. I don’t want for either of us to give our power away. I don’t want for us to be anything other than equals.

    I get that you feel bad hearing what I said. I don’t want to hurt you yet I also don’t want to stifle my own feelings. I don’t want to hold my feelings in out of fear of hurting you. I don’t want either of us to hurt.

    Just practicing here.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  436. 436: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    triggered by this?

    405: Nikita says:

    pooh pooh……I feel angry you feel judged… (how do i emoticon sticking my tongue out?)

    I feel like ignoring you…because I refuse to feel sorry for you…

    traaalaaaa laaaaaa… I am smurfette

    hahaaaa…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:13pm

  437. 437: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: re: “What really bothers ME is when someone accuses someone of playing “victim” — and then later turns around and plays victim themselves.”

    I feel in agreement and also amused because I think it pretty much always works out that way. I mean, we wouldn’t really accuse someone else of acting like a victim if we didn’t also do it ourselves on some level. The whole mirror thing and all.

    Feels ironic to me somehow, and a little frustrating. I don’t want to admit that I do things that really piss me off when others do.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:17pm

  438. 438: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    True, LG, but isn’t the point to not accuse (judge)anyone of anything in the first place?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:19pm

  439. 439: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel judged….. mmm….I do agree this is not really a feeling…. it could almost be an attack….as soon as I hear…I feel judged…….I feel defensive, and angry…to say I feel judged seems like you have crawled into my mind and given me an agenda….

    I don’t like name-calling…that is my trigger…

    oh…..I get angry if someone “feels judged” because I want them to be strong enough to not need my approval? I dunno…but I feel curious….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:20pm

  440. 440: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita: ya, because when you simplified what I said to

    “I feel angry you feel judged”

    I started to judge myself. I wasn’t triggered by what you said in the sense that I thought you were trying to offend me. Rather it just made me think about it deeper and I started judging myself…if that makes sense…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:22pm

  441. 441: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: re 439

    yes, I suppose so. But…I feel resistance. I feel whiny and sullen thinking…”but why does it have to be so hard? I’ll never be able to completely stop judging people and situations.”

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:27pm

  442. 442: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    if i wore a dress and my man said…you look “cheap” in it….and I said I feel judged…..well….there’s a disconnect for me….. he is on the defensive now, trying to prove he loves me? when really…I feel bad that my man called me “cheap”…..I don’t want to feel bad when really I am trying to look appealing and sexy to him…and here he is not accepting me or my effort?

    aha…approval seeking!!! now who has the hidden agenda? If I dressed for myself and approved of myself and my man said “you look cheap”,,,I would say…”really?, I thought I was looking sexy and you were going to start munching on my carpet(lol)…”
    man…”nah”

    me…”huh”

    man…”if you want me to munch on your carpet….put the black skirt on….”

    me …”ok :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:30pm

  443. 443: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    NS: it’s going to be okay. I promise you, everything is going to be okay.

    I know it seems bad right now but you just gotta trust everything is going to work out in great and wonderful ways.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:41pm

  444. 444: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Are you planning on keeping the baby?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:42pm

  445. 445: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Nikita! I feel impressed with your ability to weave insight with raunchy humor. I feel impressed.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:44pm

  446. 446: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Knock softly…um…. congrats on the little one and here’s a present :)

    http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-labor-and-birth_3658872.bc

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:45pm

  447. 447: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Dolly Parton “it costs a lot of money to look this cheap”

    :)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:48pm

  448. 448: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    I support your decision either way….. as long as it is what you feel is best….not spite…

    (I do not want children) I am not going to try and convince you to do something I would not want to do….I feel too scared….and I do not want to risk doing it alone when I KNOW it is not something I want….some women really want that……. you know who you are and I trust you to know what is best for you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 3:52pm

  449. 449: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @knocksoftly

    It’s your decision. You don’t have to decide all in one day but assume guy will not be supporting you and start thinking of what you could do.

    Get a tablet of paper and a pen and start writing down things. Put your thoughts, random words and doodles on paper. Think of some ways you could get some money, sell some things, borrow money, use credit card etc.

    Do you have a couple of girlfriends you could talk to? Even if they are not close friends, you might know of a kind person your age or an older woman you could speak with.

    You would be surprised how often other woman have been in the same situation and they would be willing to show you kindness, support and help you pull yourself together if you are feeling a little shaky and upset. They might also have some ideas for financial assistance. You never know until you ask.

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:01pm

  450. 450: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I meant “other women.”

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:03pm

  451. 451: lmNo Gravatar says:

    oh, knocksoftly! i think you’ll feel tonnes of support here.

    also, you might want to speak to a counselor at a women’s clinic or through your workplace employee assistance program (if you are lucky enough to have one), just to have someone to help you through whatever you decide to do.

    hugs

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:07pm

  452. 452: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoftly,

    wow, i feel for you
    And please stop thinking about that jerk !
    The way he handled this says a lot about his caracter or should i say lack of caracter…there’s nothing more to understand.
    Say to yourself that you are having this baby alone and you’re the one whose going to have to decide by yourself what your gonna do.
    And please if you decide to terminate your pregnancy do it because you think it’s the best thing to do not because he’s doing a disapearing act.

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:14pm

  453. 453: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    KS: I totally support your decision to do what you feel is best for you.

    And I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings.

    I truly do believe though that this will work out. No matter what you decide to do. You have so many options. Magic is happening around us always. New solutions are coming and doors are opening all the time. Things can change in an instant.

    In this situation, I would try o focus on that and not worry about what he is doing. Maybe it’s best that he’s not around so that you can focus on doing what YOU want. That is what is important.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:16pm

  454. 454: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I feel warm and tingly thinking about the NS having a baby. And I also feel grateful that she has the option to terminate if that’s what feels right.

    What an abundant, miraculous universe we live in! So many choices, so many options, so many paths this story can take…all leading to wonderful things.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:23pm

  455. 455: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoflty,

    ummm …But it is weird that he didn’t at least SAY something, maybe the fact that you were texting him everyday asking what he wanted to do made him feel pressured…guys react strangely when they feel pressure ! even the good ones.
    Since it’s something that is important and he is after all the father of your baby maybe you can try texting him one LAST time saying i feel scared to face alone, i feel scared to make a decision alone i’m sorry for preassuring you about this but i will feel so relieved if we could together what we are going to do about this…and nothing more. don’t keep on texting.
    and give him a delay (in your head) that feels good to you for him to answer, and the mean time try figure out what you’re going to do if after for ex after one week he doesn’t manifest himself…and do it.

    Hope that help, hugs
    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:27pm

  456. 456: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly – I don’t know where you are, but here in California all you need is Will, and an ID to get Emergency Medi-CAL for an abortion.. Just go to the hospital and tell them you need it for emergency only, it will cover the 400$ abortion fee.

    It will work even though they may try to give you the run around somewhat.

    I saw my gf do this and I did it too, and even got 200$ back from medi-cal after i had already paid 200.

    its not regular medi-cal, they told me im not eligible for that, but EMERGENCY Medi-CAL

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  457. 457: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly – actually this is a very common man reaction.

    that is, immature man reaction

    well i know when i told the guy i had been having sex with that i was pregnant,

    he told me Bit8ch you better go get an abortion, I know it’s not mine, and I’m gonna have my mama or my cousins jump you

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:32pm

  458. 458: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    NS: I dunno. I feel weird saying this. I’m not sure if it will resonate with you. But what if he’s not really trying to hurt you. What if he’s feeling scared, overwhelmed, wondering how he could possibly finance this?

    I’m not trying to make excuses for him or trying to get in his head…I’m just saying…what if he isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you, he’s just dealing with this the best way he knows how.

    What if you just give him the benefit of the doubt, let go of wondering how someone could be so cold, and then turn all your focus on taking care of you?

    Oh that feels good. I’m envisioning you free of concerns about him, feeling the empowerment of turning your energy towards you, and seeing the answers coming in to clear focus.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:33pm

  459. 459: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly

    Sending you good vibes across the oceans, do whatever is best for YOU……you are getting great advise here from the Sirens. Take care.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:38pm

  460. 460: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    whoa i’ve just triggered myself… i feel sad

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:38pm

  461. 461: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria

    Thanks for jumping in here; this is the kind of wise woman info I was thinking of for knockingsoftly.

    When the man hasn’t stepped up, there’s not much value in spending time analyzing the guy’s thoughts and asking him over and over, much better for the woman to think of her own feelings and make an action plan.

    SLV

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:49pm

  462. 462: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ouch ouch ouch I feel sad!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:51pm

  463. 463: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Slv.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:51pm

  464. 464: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly – what state are you in? I will inform myself

    Ps the emergency medical is not one that checks for eligibility, I am not eligible either… It’s something many people dint know about.

    Do you have planned parenthood where you are?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:54pm

  465. 465: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoftly,

    He changed his number !!!! how lame and pathetic.
    Than my first post was dead one… don’t even think about that him ! and i 100% agree with Senior Lady Vibe. The fact that he changed his number says it all… focus on you, on what you want and what’s best for you and start mking plans.

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 4:57pm

  466. 466: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Is email an option…..?

    and…I could see myself taking advantage of being allowed to make this decision without anyone else pressuring me. I would feel angry but I would also feel free to hit the restart button on the situation. Because we might not want the same things…

    and I believe where there is anger there is guilt on the other side of the equation..where the man is concerned….and maybe shame ……besides angry…

    How do you feel? scared, anxious, betrayed, abandoned…? we can focus on him but it will only feel worse….if we focus on you….we can begin to feel better…even through any rage and fear…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:09pm

  467. 467: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    RE: #286 – I hope you saw my welcome back about a week ago. I feel happy to see you back, even tho I felt ignored when I sent you an email from my heart.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:23pm

  468. 468: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    I feel sad to hear you are having deep struggles. Your unborn child has a heartbeat, brainwaves, and can feel pain even at 8 weeks old, the typical age when unborn children are killed. Please don’t let them kill your baby! He or she is a child, not a choice. What would he or she choose? Please let him or her have the choice to live. There are no cheap solutions, but is killing an innocent, defenseless child a solution?

    There are crisis pregnancy centers who could help you find a good adoptive home. They will probably also be able to help with the expenses of your other child. They care and they are there to help you, and so am I.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:27pm

  469. 469: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    knock softly – I am so sorry you must face such a difficult decision alone. I feel very very sad.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:30pm

  470. 470: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly, I just wanted to second everything that has been said here. There are so many options available. If I were pregnant and alone, I would feel very scared, shocked, numb… scared. How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise a baby? How will I feel if I terminate the pregnancy?

    I actually feel better that he is not in the equation “helping” you make this choice if he’s not going to be supportive of the aftermath, regardless of your decision.

    Just as there may be other options for termination, there are many options for keeping the baby. I’d want to know all of my options before proceeding.

    (((HUGS))) Gently holding space for you as you work through this. No judgments. Shannon

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:37pm

  471. 471: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    restart…… cut the strings …. I don’t know how to explain it but you refer to him as your toxic man………..

    if he is toxic….you have chosen to be involved with him….. now you may be genetically linked to him.

    I hear you say he does not want a child. I hear you feeling the same way about it as him. I would feel like…ok, this is my chance to get out of this situation with him for good…… no more.

    New life, new dates….start over with a new attitude, this reminds me of the straw that broke the camel’s back.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:37pm

  472. 472: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    lots of work here on feeling messages and non violent communications. This may help:

    there are only 4 feelings and within that there are many variations – the 4 area: happy, sad, anger and fear. And I believe anger is a disguise for fear.

    As soon as a “you” enters the picture, it is not a feeling message – it becomes a control message. “You” can be stated or implied.

    I am feeling judgemental – it is a behaviour
    I feel judged – is a behaviour

    I feel scared – is a feeling of fear
    I feel trepidation – is a feeling of fear
    I feel alone – is a feeling of fear
    I feel rage – is a feeling of anger and extreme fear
    I feel guilt – is a feeling of fear or could be sad

    Mastering feeling messages is incredibly difficult!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:39pm

  473. 473: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    As a mother, you would be the second victim of abortion. Women face a lot of emotional trauma after an abortion. I recommend the book, “Stormie”, by Stormie O’Martian. It’s an autobiography by a woman who was severely abused in childhood and had several abortions. I found the book very inspiring.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:45pm

  474. 474: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly…..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQn8QqDe50s

    I remember watching this and feeling more empowered around my decisions….in regards to these female decisions… what you feel and what is right for you is what is right for you….

    so I hope it feels supportive for you….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:45pm

  475. 475: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    yay….. composing messages :)

    so…I feel better if I marinate on this…… lots of revisions feel safe for me…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:47pm

  476. 476: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    I was just admiring a feeling message of Nikita on another thread, which I will modify here for your situation:

    I feel sad…I feel off balance and need to collect myself…I feel confused…..the dynamic force coming off of my nightmarish situation is sooo strong I feel like a shaken etch-a-sketch…I feel blank…It would feel so good to feel your emotional support right now. What do you think?

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:48pm

  477. 477: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,

    Your feeling messages are awesome word pictures! I like this one, too:

    “so my emotions…well…….they feel like little splinters or out of place mismatched socks in my brain…”

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:55pm

  478. 478: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling ovewhelmed with fear right now. I am struggling with a decison that affects the both of us for the rest of our lives. I feel best when I have your perspective on things

    ugh – that is as far as I can get to at the moment…needs a ton of marinating….

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 5:58pm

  479. 479: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoflty,

    I don’t know if it’s a good idea to e-mail him cause changing his phone number was extreme of him so there’s a good chance he might have bloked you also from his e-mail… looks like he really wanted to avoid you…i feel sorry about that but here it goes :
    ” I feel scared to face this alone and upset about how everything happened…i feel sorry for putting so much pressure into this but it was because i was feeling pressured myself and i don’t want to make a decision that is that important by myself… i would feel relieved if we could make a rationnal, healthy decision and that will both agree on… together ? what do you think ? ”

    But he might not answer right away, if i were you i’d give him 1-2 weeks whatever feels comfortable for you to wait for his answer… after that delay i would suggest you to just forget about him forever.

    Pepe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:10pm

  480. 480: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this is part of my body and responsibility.

    I do choose whether I want to bring a child in the world.

    Woman, I am birth giver and death bringer.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:32pm

  481. 481: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    NS:

    “LG…..
    I hear what you are saying and that is probably true. I just feel so angry right now that I don’t know if I can give him that right now……”

    I totally get that. No pressure. I just care about you and want you to feel free to take whichever path feels best and feel secure in knowing that you will have enough resources to support whatever path you take.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:50pm

  482. 482: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Dear knocksoftly,

    From woman to woman, I feel so sorry about what you are having to go through. One of the toughest choices you will ever make, I feel for you.
    To “go through” is the only way. It’s all grist for the mill.

    What you say and what you do is between you and God
    (not separate).

    I admire your action of reaching out here for help,
    and please don’t stop here….know that many times, random people and people you know will rise up to expectation that is set.

    Say what you need to say.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ela5Ok1bgsc

    much love,

    life

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:52pm

  483. 483: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    488. That’s very good Lizzie
    That is so straighforward and honest and getting to the point in a way that would appeal to a fellow human being’s compassion and willingness to do the best for all concerned.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 6:58pm

  484. 484: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    And I know too, that I am goddess and can enjoy and support a child, and all the world, if I choose to. I will not let the feeling of intimidation of aloneness stray me from myself, and neither the domination of other beings keep me from discovering my desire.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:00pm

  485. 485: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I feel scared that this is going to turn in to a debate about abortion. I don’t want support for NS to be sidetracked by a debate. I feel scared.

    I feel reminded of the time I went to PP for a yearly checkup and I was confronted by anti-abortion protestors. I wasn’t even getting one yet I got yelled at just for going in the building. That felt horrible. It felt awful. I feel deep deep sadness.

    I feel a welling up inside of me. I feel like I want to scream. I don’t want to be told what to do. I feel confident that my connection with god is as clear and as strong as anyone else’s. I feel confident that I can connect with spirit and get the answer that is right for me. I feel confident that God is with me always…always leading me in the right direction.

    I feel trusting that god wouldn’t give me an option if it wasn’t a possible “right” one. I feel confident that god is benevolent and all-knowing and willing to support whatever path I take. I feel trusting of god’s love. It feels so much more real to me than other’s opinions of what is right or wrong.

    Breathe

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:07pm

  486. 486: joanNo Gravatar says:

    just trying to negate the italics

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:11pm

  487. 487: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Very, very nice, LG

    i don’t feel that it would serve anything to get into a debate about abortion. Because we know there is no right answer, just a circular argument.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:14pm

  488. 488: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I had an abortion when I was young and I prayed and prayed to God. I said “I’m not ready now. Thank you for this wonderful gift but I’m just not ready. Please understand”. And the message I got back was “of course I understand my darling. There are infinite numbers of ways this soul can come through. Thank you for your honesty. I will continue to love and bless you until the end of time”.

    With that said, I’m not encouraging you either way NS. I’m just here to support you in whichever decision you make. And I feel grateful that you have so many options.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:15pm

  489. 489: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    498.
    Amazing, LG :-)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:18pm

  490. 490: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you lifeistooshort. It feels good to be acknowledged.

    I feel hopeful that we can stick to Rori’s request to refrain from judgements and if we feel triggered to stick to riffing and feeling messages.

    I feel weird saying that because I didn’t do that in my above post. I shared a story instead. I feel unsure if that is following the guidelines.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:24pm

  491. 491: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel rageful, I feel powerful, I feel a bit jealous and unseen, I feel a bit sad.

    Mostly rageful like firestorm hurricanes

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:28pm

  492. 492: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    You’re welcome, LG

    Yes, I am going to watch for that too, following communication guidelines here. I doubt I know what they all are. Maybe there should be a terms of service periodically posted.

    I am very used to writing in narrative.

    I feel triggered that Kat’s SG said something about his wife not wanting to have sex after she had the baby.
    I am triggered some when I wonder if he was interested enough to want to try and find out how he could help.
    My x treated me very inconsiderately after I had a baby and I didn’t feel like having sex. Resentment was getting too out of hand.

    If you have a child with a person, you are tied to them for a very long time.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:31pm

  493. 493: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    When I was pregnant I had a vision that I was to have this child before I died a warrior death in the street. I saw the father and what he would look like… But someone “stole” my baby because they wanted me to have theirs… So I got confused. And didn’t bring forth my child, and didn’t die…

    So I lived.

    I felt awful sad though, and I had milk coming out of my breasts.

    I talked to my child spirit many times. I’m glad I lived now, and I can build a happy life out of war.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:32pm

  494. 494: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    You dontbhave to be tied to them for a very long time… There are mothers here who have been untied, since pregnancy. Some gladly.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:35pm

  495. 495: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m not ready now. Thank you for this wonderful gift but I’m just not ready. Please understand” – wow! that is so amazing…may I use that for other crisis situations…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:36pm

  496. 496: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    yes, D, that is another possibility.

    on one hand, they could always surface somehow, somewhere, sometime or the occasion may never arise to have anything to do with them again whatsoever.

    I am a firm believer in considering many possibilities and scenarios. Not out of fear, but just to be prepared. I’m a girl scout!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:38pm

  497. 497: DebbieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Any chance someone might like to respond to #54. It was in “moderation” all day, but posted on its original time, so got buried.
    Thank you!!!!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:39pm

  498. 498: MelanyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,

    Wheredo you draw the line of giving too much or too little. In my past relationship I used to ‘lean back’ a lot. I would let him do most of the planning for dates, calling me up, visiting my home. Only to be told by the man that he feels ignored and an after thought. He also mentioned that it seems like he is trying to hard to make me happy and he does not feel it reciprocating towards him.

    So I am unsure. I don’t want to give and start overfunctioning. At times I wondered if has more of a feminine energy based on how he approached things.

    Input please. Thank you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:48pm

  499. 499: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel weird. Reading these stories, I feel “left out”. I too had a baby in my womb, four of them in fact. Two that I lost to miscarriage (D&C both times) and two that I carried full term at the same time.

    A woman’s body is a wonderful, miraculous, and sometimes scary thing.

    Daria, I talk to my babies too. Bean and Sweet Pea. The irony is that Sweet Pea’s birthday is one day after my boys. I wouldn’t have my boys if I hadn’t lost Bean and Sweet Pea. I feel sad and grateful for every moment I carried them.

    I feel so sad that this is a choice anyone would have to make.

    I really don’t know what choice I would make in the same situation. And that feels very scary to me.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:50pm

  500. 500: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, wow all the good advice….#284…Maybe I have no business going into this marriage…Today me and my fiance talked and he said, “When I get to feeling better after the liver transplant I would like to go back to work at least part time. I told him that we would both need to pitch in or there could be some resentment. He understood. I just wish life could be easier. Why do we always have to worry about so many things? I still don’t really know what to do about us. Today, I saw his family at a party and they said, “When are you two getting married?” I said that we don’t have a date yet….I had really better know what I’m doing!!! I don’t want to be pressured into the marriage until I know I am good and ready!! Everyone wants this to move forward…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:54pm

  501. 501: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    54, Debbie
    i feel you are answering your own questions in a good way.
    Yes, i love that about this is not just about his motives, but your motives too.
    Are you holding out hope for this relationship? If so, why? Don’t second guess what his motives are. That is really limiting. So it;s good to ask, like you did in your feeling message. Take a chance to go for what you really feel like doing and be surprised at the response if there is one.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 7:57pm

  502. 502: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel compassion both for pregnant mothers and for unborn children. I felt nauseated and horrified when I saw videos of unborn children having their heads torn off or being burned inside and out by saline. I could see them writhe in pain, and I wanted to believe I didn’t just see what I saw.

    I felt grieved when I heard many experiences of women who had let so-called doctors kill their children. They had emotional trauma that lasted for decades.

    God designed the womb to be a safe, protected place for innocent, defenseless children to grow. If an unborn child could speak, what would be his or her choice? If I were an unborn child, I would want to live. I would hope that my mommy would find a loving home for me where I could give joy to a couple who was unable to have children.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:02pm

  503. 503: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    if i were an unborn child, i would want my mother to choose for me

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:04pm

  504. 504: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    508 Melany
    i know exactly what you are talking about. It seems that they don;t all respond as desired in all circumstances. I believe that is because there are many factors that are influencing things, so it;s difficult to pinpoint what the tipping point is.

    What’s more important to you? That you be the girl in the relationship? or does it matter? or do you like this guy enough to try and figure out who plays what role in what areas of the relationship?

    It’s a experimental dance. Create new steps. See what happens.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:04pm

  505. 505: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    and so did my unborn baby, who was my Warrior and Protector

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:04pm

  506. 506: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I know there are no cheap solutions, but is killing an innocent child a solution? What child would choose to die? I give compassion to the part of you that hurts for losing your child.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:09pm

  507. 507: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Yes. I just don’t know what kind of trauma could be happening to a soul who has had its birth interrupted, or what happens then. I don’t know. It’s not just about the mother.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:09pm

  508. 508: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    hi ladies….other cultures have created space for their “scars”……

    http://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/25/world/in-japan-a-ritual-of-mourning-for-abortions.html

    i remember this article….

    Daria I also thought of you…when I think of Jizo

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:24pm

  509. 509: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    D,

    Jizo is a bodhisattva, a spirit who could have achieved nirvana but has chosen to remain between worlds, assisting humans. People in Japan identify Jizo as a transcendent being who cares for the spirits of children waiting to be born, who have been baulked by abortion or miscarriage. Ceremonies request his attention or intervention.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:27pm

  510. 510: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    wow! The abortion debate triggers me! I’m not even going to engage, just acknowledge the trigger and let knocksoftly know that I am holding you in my prayers and I feel sweetness and wholeness when I think about you being pregnant. I understand that it is a scary time for you, but no matter what – it is an amazing gift to be able to become pregnant. If nothing else, I hope you feel the wonder of that! Love to you!

    I am feeling so grateful for my health tonight. A CD just told me that he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease… at age 40 (ish). Another CD told me that he has some rare genetic disease that affects his heart and a third CD told me that he has random fat deposits that grow like lesions on his body that have to be cut out (The last one is a lot less gross than it sounds).

    I have no health issues. Zero. I feel so grateful for that, while at the same time wondering why the men I am encountering all have somewhat serious health issues.

    If everyone is a mirror, what does that say about me? I wonder why I have attracted this into my life.

    I also wonder what limiting beliefs I have that continue to keep my single and without my forever after guy. I really don’t care what those limiting beliefs are – I’d just like them annihilated. Not even healed. Annihilated. Thank you!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:32pm

  511. 511: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i’ve already said how i feel. as far as being imposed upon, i feel like killing grown human beings becausee i feel so rageful

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:34pm

  512. 512: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    oh man, and these italics are making me feel really really angry. I checked the code, and it’s nothing you did SLV (I’m a web developer).

    I feel like we’re STUCK with these italics, like we can’t escape them.

    Same way I felt the other day in hot yoga. For 90 minutes, the instructor WOULD NOT SHUT UP. She never took a breath, talked the ENTIRE way through.

    I felt SO angry, I wanted to scream, and instead had to breathe through it… you can’t scream and run out of yoga class.

    Anyway, I hate these freakin’ italics. Totally totally triggers me in an insane and way over-the-top way.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:35pm

  513. 513: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    as I’ve already said, my unborn child chose to do so. i don’t like feeling unheard. i don’t like other’s judgemetns imposed on me

    i am feeling very afraid and angry and my armor is on full force

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:35pm

  514. 514: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve heard of Jizo!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:36pm

  515. 515: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so sad. i feel furious. i feel like strangling people.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:38pm

  516. 516: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria :)

    the mikuzo or “the water children.” Somehow the Japanese culture was acknowledging women’s ambivalent feelings about abortion without threatening to take away their legal right to do it

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:38pm

  517. 517: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i love my feelings.

    i feel glad i have my sword ready to cut anyone who dares impose themselves on me

    i dont want to do that

    it would feel good to feel seen and respected as the divine being i am

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:39pm

  518. 518: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    RE: #521 – Remember? You have CCD! (Cock Craving Disease) :-P

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:40pm

  519. 519: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    when i had my abortion i found out my mother and my grandmother also had them

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:42pm

  520. 520: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I feel grateful that your mother gave you life. I love you and accept you even tho you are angry at me.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:47pm

  521. 521: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    where i’m from abortion is a common thing, maybe so common that people don’t talk about deeply considering it

    it can be like a form of birth control

    then theres other places where people act like, it’s not a right

    hmm

    i like having my own personal way of dealing with things

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:48pm

  522. 522: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – i feel grateful I aborted my child – with whom I’ve talked. i feel strong and powerful and supported in what i do with myself by God.

    i feel furious and i don’t like having other’s beliefs imposed upon me

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:50pm

  523. 523: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    anyways, between here and there to me feels like a thin veil, I can talk to people

    I can talk to my child right now and he says Suck It

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:51pm

  524. 524: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :shock:

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:53pm

  525. 525: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it’s a strange realization because he seems to grow in age over time…

    he gave his life for mine and I feel honored for that. he wanted to show me that a man will protect me.

    it’s not that far from here to there, one day i’ll be there too

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:54pm

  526. 526: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry about the Suck It. it’s not necessary to share what a 6 year old child on the dead side says. but it sure felt fun. lol.

    oh man, i apologize , and at the same time i feel enormously gleeful

    grrr.

    i feel confused

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:55pm

  527. 527: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG Brenda, #529 LOL!

    So this is going to sound totally and completely wacky. But I’m okay with wacky, so I’ll share it here.

    I just took a shower to make myself heal the anger from the italics, and I remembered a convo my little (very sweet, religious) sister and I had a week ago.

    I was telling her about how one of my ex boyfriends moved out of state (the one who brought me here to Siren Island), and how I felt bad about it somehow and she said,

    “you know, Siena – you sound like Sarah in the Bible, in the book of Tobit. She married 100 men, and they all died on their wedding night. She was praying to die (because in that time, it was unheard of for a woman not to be married). But instead God sent the angel Gabriel to help her husband-to-be, Tobit, find her. Gabriel is the angel of healing in the bible. Maybe you need to ask him for help.”

    As often as I’ve heard the story of Sarah and Tobit, I’ve resonated with it, and thought that I somehow was the same as Sarah.

    I never made the connection that my dates having serious health problems might be a same part of that story.

    Okay, so I’d like the angel Gabriel to bring me my man… healed. I’m right around the “I’ve dated 100 men” mark.

    It’s time.

    Thank you.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 8:57pm

  528. 528: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I’ll hold back the part of myself that wants to really set my tongue loose. I’m gonna walk away so I don’t say anything I’ll regret.

    I’ll just say this. I hope if anyone is coming after me with a weapon, I hope other people around me impose their beliefs on the predator.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:01pm

  529. 529: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Interesting! You deserve a wonderful man! I hope and pray he becomes a part of your life very soon!

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:03pm

  530. 530: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay i feel relieved

    i feel like i’ve successfuly said No to being imposed upon

    and am now going to get breathing room

    i feel a tad guilty, but mostly i feel guilty to myself for feeling guilty!

    whoa

    ***

    i feel surprised at myself

    i am going to be honest

    i feel GLAD Releived, proud of myself for having protected myself

    i feel like POWERFUl

    now attackers will know not to mess with me and my unborn son

    KHIAaH

    take that attackers

    woo hoo

    i am free

    i feel glad

    **

    i keep waiting to feel guilty or something and it’s not really happening

    ***

    i feel confused by the way i feel, i feel afraid of being judged for feeling Happy

    and i’m just going to keep sharing how i feel

    Relieved

    a lil fearful still

    joyful !!! like big smile and dance around the room yahooing

    curious

    confused

    but mostly happyyyyy

    yahoooooooooooooooooooo

    i feel afraid (maybe ashamed?) of feleing happy right now

    i love my shame and fear

    i feel REALLY happy

    ok

    i still feel giglly and happy

    i am so curious to know more aobut what’s going on wiht me now

    yessss

    i feel yayyyyyyyy

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 9:09pm

  531. 531: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl.

    this is about autism…..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4WAYJBDevw&feature=related

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:09pm

  532. 532: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad and upset

    I feel teary and have been crying all day

    I feel ignored like I don’t quite fit in here except with just a few people

    I feel unheard

    I too feel like Caspar the ghost

    My sister’s husband died this morning and I typed it on here to give Jeanette a different perspective of living with somebody with an illness and not one person commented on my post.

    M was a good, kind, decent, honourable man. And my heart is breaking for my sister and her daughters. In fact he was one of the best men I ever met in my life with not one mean bone in his body.

    I have posted on here a few times that I am afraid of men, but what I really am afraid is of getting my heart broken yet again by another man.

    And today driving to work I thought about M, he has made me stop and think about how there really good and decent men “out there” I just got scared for a wee while.

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:20pm

  533. 533: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh Barb, I didn’t realize he just passed away this morning…

    So sorry for you…

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:34pm

  534. 534: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t focus much on fitting in here… just using this Blog as Therapy for myself… and my Floating Journal

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:35pm

  535. 535: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – thank you so much for that youtube on Autism

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 10:37pm

  536. 536: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz,
    I am sorry to hear about the death.
    You are having really bad times and you are managing things without breaking down. You are a brave woman, I must say.
    I know nothing I say will reduce the pain and sadness you are going through at the moment. We are all with you.
    A tight hug to make you feel warm and better.
    Love
    Meemee

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:10pm

  537. 537: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all so much, and of course I don’t expect everybody to come on here and give me comfort or respond, it’s my sister I am crying for plus a good guy has gone, I just felt so lonely and unheard :(

    Living in another country is very hard when something like this happens, I don’t have $2 to $3 thousand to hop on a plane.

    I phoned my sister this morning a few hours after he died and she is in total shock and keeps expecting him to walk through the front door any minute with one of his little jokes, he has had quite a few heart attacks over the years since they discovered this disease and all the other times he would come back after injections and whatever else they do, then he would be back home until his next episode, this time they couldn’t bring him back, not even with CPR.

    Luckily she will have a good support system as our family are very close and loving to each other.

    Honestly M REALLY was the best of men, even my daughter’s EX husband started crying today when he found out.

    M has left a big hole in the lives of many people. RIP x

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:24pm

  538. 538: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Exactly KS! That is what I am taking from this, not all men are a$$holes, it just feels like it at times.

    Thank you for caring when I know you are going through such a difficult time yourself.

    I have seen all the “happy stories” on one of the other threads these past few days and I am going to try my hardest to do the RR work and find me a good guy too, I am sure it will happen for you too :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:27am

  539. 539: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hello Barb… i don’t know you, but i’m so sorry for your loss!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:33am

  540. 540: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, could we please ask for that other font back? Or maybe just Arial? or even Verdana? they’re so easy to read… please, please, please!

    ! ? !!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:34am

  541. 541: maryNo Gravatar says:

    mmmmmmm…

    hello, hello, hello!

    just sayin’

    !!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:35am

  542. 542: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh!

    i’m reading backwards.

    DARIA!

    KNOCK SOFTLY!

    wow! you’re going through SO MUCH!

    i have lots of feelings as i read through… mostly surprise. some sadness. a lot of wondering… wow! i’ve missed you and there have been difficult things lately for you to process…

    thinking good thoughts for you tonight!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:49am

  543. 543: maryNo Gravatar says:

    or maybe this is the same font, only italicized…

    i think it’s difficult to read!

    just hoping it will straighten very soon!

    that’s my vote…

    !!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:55am

  544. 544: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary!

    at home feeling good, tried my hand at stiching a hole in my nightshirt, i feel inspired to do more art with my clothes, i want to start putting on patches and changing the shape of stuff

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:03am

  545. 545: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, hey… i love patches! and artistic clothes. i just bought some very short cowboy boots; my first ever… i’m just tryin’ them on with my jeans… not so sure about them! i also bought some very high heels, so maybe that balances things…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:10am

  546. 546: maryNo Gravatar says:

    last night i read through some of the archives, when i was blogging every night.

    i feel amazed coming back and reading and remembering how i was feeling last time i was here… like dating could go on forever.

    and how amazing and easy it is to be with someone… if only i’d known that!

    i got used to being with an unavailable guy and it made me think that all guys were gonna be unavailable, but… it just isn’t true. i’m so glad!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:15am

  547. 547: maryNo Gravatar says:

    in a way, all the circular dating was making me unavailable, too.

    there were some guys who wanted me to settle down with them.

    not a chance! i wasn’t in the mode to do that.

    now i am…

    it feels good.

    i hope this is the right guy!

    !!!?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:17am

  548. 548: maryNo Gravatar says:

    he feels right for now… and maybe for forever!

    wouldn’t that be so cool?

    i know.

    i remember shannon’s post that marriage doesn’t solve anything. doesn’t guarantee anything. doesn’t mean you’ve arrived.

    but i would feel wonderfully happy to be getting married soon.

    yes! i would…

    … so i’ll keep you posted!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:20am

  549. 549: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i am using the tools… especially the water wheel, and the “i am the pie” tool.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:21am

  550. 550: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    font?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:21am

  551. 551: maryNo Gravatar says:

    and there were a few books that i’d collected that this guy saw (i was embarrassed), and he said, “oh, you don’t need all those books now because you’re in a functional relationship!”

    which made some sense to me…

    … but don’t take my books away! haha… !!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:23am

  552. 552: maryNo Gravatar says:

    don’t you see the italics?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:23am

  553. 553: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – nice tools! I am the pie! hehe

    for me, Circular Dating would most definitely help me get to marriage…

    I think i would be “being” with the right man while circular dating…

    i wouldn’t feel safe to commit to a man before marriage, i wouldn’t feel like I’ve been courted enough if he’s not able to court me all the way to marriage

    but what’s important is each one’s happiness

    so it’s great that you feel happy!

    even tho i feel a bit sad – thinking of anyone not circular dating – i don’t want to have it all “go bad” all of a sudden… and there was such strong expectation

    i feel curious about this…

    i know for me, i want a guy to Claim my time, and have exclusivity become wrapped around me that way, organically

    yeah this is triggering me…

    glad you are feeling happy and also feeling fearful in my heart

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:27am

  554. 554: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yes i see them, trying to “fix” them still, we have a lil mini italic miracle happening

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:28am

  555. 555: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lalalali

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:31am

  556. 556: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    is it all bold now?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:31am

  557. 557: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Mary, I think you are from the other thread talking about wedding bells? What a wonderful sound that will be :D

    Oh and Daria you have just spoilt my illusion of you as the Warrior Queen/Goddess in her flowing white robes…….I didn’t picture a Siren such as you stitching holes in nightgowns. :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:32am

  558. 558: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hahaha im an eeeevil genius

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:32am

  559. 559: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria did SLV teach you how to turn this bold now???@!!@!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:33am

  560. 560: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Old Flame came to visit for a week.

    you know what i realized?

    he was the same as he was when we were 18 and 19. arrogant, condescending and without manners.

    why did i dream of him all those years?

    because i NEEDED HIM!

    i needed a good history with him because the relationship with my husband was so upsetting. so i just MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.

    because it served me to have a past relationship that was better than what i was experiencing. it gave me something i needed in order to cope.

    wow.

    isn’t that just crazy!!!!?

    so i guess i didn’t JUST KNOW after all!

    i’m glad to know now. and now i’m free.

    to be in relationship.

    it feels great.

    and i could have done it at any time. there were good guys all along the way!

    yes, there were… and i passed them over… to just be out there, circular dating.

    which did have it’s insights!

    and it’s huge emotional highs.

    and lows…

    i learned so much!

    but there is a richness in being with the same person, day after day, night after night.

    and i want more of that!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:34am

  561. 561: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    =)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:36am

  562. 562: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yes she did, i learned from her

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:37am

  563. 563: maryNo Gravatar says:

    and he is courting me still…

    and telling me how happy he is to be alive.

    i like the idea that there’s a time for everything. a time to date and a time to refrain from dating… maybe that time is now for me?

    i can ALWAYS pull the NO GIRLFRIEND card.

    maybe i won’t have to!

    i’ll let you know…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:39am

  564. 564: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, you made it bold?

    can you switch it back to the way it was?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:40am

  565. 565: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    but it wasn’t directly, i snuck in and looked

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:40am

  566. 566: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’m sleepy and sayin’ good night.

    i’m glad you feel happy about your decision, Daria…

    there must be some stories there that you could tell!

    sorry i wasn’t around…

    talk later!

    Mary

    !

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:42am

  567. 567: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, not yet, am strying still

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:42am

  568. 568: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Mary I am soo happy for you and it is stories like this (the happy endings) that give us newbie Sirens hope :)

    I was quite resistant to RR’s teaching at first, of course I had soooo many lightbulb moments seeing my masculine energy and OMG that leaning forward and over functioning (I had a college degree in that!), but then I went throught all that not wanting to change ME and who I am and all that stuff about long hair and red lacy tops pi$$ed me off a bit to be honest LOL!

    But I have grown wiser this past wee while on this blog and have learnt so much I didn’t even realise that I was doing wrong!!

    See it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, woof woof!! :D

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:44am

  569. 569: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ufff, that feels bad to read, about passing guys over…

    kinda misses the spirit of CDing to me, which is not about passing guys over at all…

    it would feel nice to be with the same person night after nitght, if he’s stepping up to claim my time that way…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:45am

  570. 570: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hello html

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:48am

  571. 571: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    laaaaa

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:51am

  572. 572: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    more

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:53am

  573. 573: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    love

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:54am

  574. 574: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    center?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:59am

  575. 575: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feelin sleepy

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:01am

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    big

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:06am

  577. 577: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, can you change the colour for a bit of fun? :D

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:08am

  578. 578: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    plain

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:17am

  579. 579: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb that Would be fun, but I don’t think it will go through

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:17am

  580. 580: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well, im feeling a lil disappointed, Rori’s webmaster shall have to deal with this…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:23am

  581. 581: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    LOL LOL Daria!! It’s like you are a naughty little kid who has stuffed up and walked away from the mess ha ha!! Thank you for making me laugh :D

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:31am

  582. 582: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my boy energy is running strong

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:32am

  583. 583: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    would be nice

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:33am

  584. 584: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    but no cigar

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:33am

  585. 585: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb ! lol! sorry … feeling a lil ashamed hehe… gonna go to bed now

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:34am

  586. 586: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Too funny!!

    Hope you mended your nightshirt OK. :)

    Night, night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:43am

  587. 587: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — I’m so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. Your description of him — that he’s such a great guy — reminds me a little of my brother-in-law, who is also a great guy. There would be a huge hole if he passed away, and I can see that’s how you’re feeling.

    May God bless you with His gift of peace and help you heal from this loss.

    And please don’t ever think that you don’t fit in here — you are wanted and loved here!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:06am

  588. 588: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey I think I have done my usual thing of posting on an old thread instead of current one.

    An I really want to update everyone about date guy etc…

    So I am going to copy and paste my post to this thread.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:53am

  589. 589: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    KnockSoftly — I am sad that you are having to deal with this pregnancy on your own, but I am happy that you’ve decided to let that toxic man go and think about what is best for all involved.

    When I was young, I too had an abortion and have continued to have mixed thoughts about it the rest of my life. I know at 17, I was too young to have and keep a baby and that I may have resented the child if I had done that, but I also feel a sense of regret that I didn’t have the baby and give it up for adoption, especially now that I’ve seen a coupld of family members who’ve gone through so much to adopt children so they could love them. I have also, at times, felt grateful that I was able to terminate the pregnancy and not deal with it on an ongoing basis, but the guilt feelings crop up every time I think about it.

    I hope you will at least consider giving the baby up for adoption as this will enable you to give some couple such joy and what a gift that would be! But whatever you decide to do, I support that decision. You are a brave woman!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:54am

  590. 590: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey,

    So much has happened.

    I wrote a long post yesterday and then it didn’t go up Grrr.

    Date guy turned up again. No, he did not contact me.. no no. I saw him at pub.

    Over he comes starts telling me all about why he hasn’t called.

    Stuff he said included:
    – he had an amazing date with me.
    – he loved spending time with me – felt good.
    – he got my text, didn’t know what to say back. Then felt silly to reply as had been so long!
    – he doesn’t feel ready for a commited relationship
    – he doesn’t have time for someone else – too busy at work.
    – he wanted another text from me
    – he wishes he did not have to chase all the time!
    – Others have been asking him about ‘us’

    And then he said so I told them I was not sure if you were ‘the one’ !!!

    Hmmm, weird – I did not ask him for anything! Don’t want relationship… that is not how CD-ing works.

    So I said, ok, I hear you and it’s all fine.

    Then went to be with my friends.

    Next thing my friend and he are having a hear to heart… then she comes over to me. He has said to her he felt something on our date. He really likes me. He wants to see me again!

    I said ‘he just told me I was not the one’ she is like WTF!!!??

    So she goes to talk to him again (ha ha, just like when I was at school and fancied a boy).

    She comes back – he is shy, he always says the wrong thing – he wants to take you out again. So I said well why doesn’t he ask me.

    So after he comes in. Procrastinates. Then comes over to me… ‘I am sorry I messed up. Can we start over? The ting is I think you could be the one and that is why it is so scary.’

    I say I am not sure about starting over but that everything is cool… no issues. I like spending time with him,

    I would prefer if there was no pressure on us. We held hands. I also don’t want to be around people who promise things and they don’t happen.

    He had to go, texted me straight away.

    Promised to text thge next day.. didn’t! PATTERN!

    Anyway I went on a date with someone else the other day.. a guy from match. the firs one who has turned out to be better looking than his picture.

    And he is taller than me – halleluja! I will call him Mr Hottie – cus he is HOT!

    Anyway I feel like he has some substance to him… and he is a man… I like that. And also a gentleman.

    And then I met another guy last night… I am going to call him Mr feel good, because he makes me feel amazing when I am with him! Physically I was not immediately attracted, however when I spent time with him I was.

    anyway one thing that I did notice is that I was thinking about the waterwheel tool when I was with these guys and comparing date guy to the other 2 it felt like with the other 2 the water was definitely coming to me. However with date guy it was more like the water was going the other way or we were at a stale mate and the wheel wasn’t turning.

    I have a feeling that I am I may be attracted to date guy as a do-over. I see similarities between him and my step dad who is no longer with us, however I always used to seek approval and praise from him, and felt like he was not that interested in me and I had to work for his attention.

    I don’t want to have someone as a do-over. Tha feels icky. Not fair on him, Not good for me.

    And on some level I think they can feel that, when it is a do-over.

    One other thing about date guy.. I think he wants me to row the boat and that isn’t going to happen.

    Anyway I feel good that I am having these experiences. My life has never flet like this before. I do not know what will happen next… I wonder.

    And what ever it is I will be able to handle it!

    Thank you.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:55am

  591. 591: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ow, ow ow update – date guy just called me! He heard I was out with Mr feel good… and he threw into the conversation that I should behave myself (in a jokey way I think!).

    Hmmm… then he said I should text him when I ‘knew’….

    lots of talking in code.

    Such triggers for me.. so hard not to push the issue when it is like this. Feelings getting triggered.

    I am going to keep it light and flirty and just keep riding my horse. Leaning back. No action from me.

    Oww, this is all new. Feels weird, exciting.

    He almost triggered my guilt however I have to remind myself I am not doing anything wrong. I do not belong to date guy.

    Wow!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:57am

  592. 592: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @523: Siena says:
    “oh man, and these italics are making me feel really really angry. I checked the code, and it’s nothing you did SLV (I’m a web developer). ”

    Since you have checked the code and have seen my typo, do you have a solution? Weird, isn’t it? Due to my typo there was a coding error in the closing i bracket so I do take that responsibility; however… immediate subsequent correct form brackets would not close the italics formatting! Odd. I’m sorry about that but I made several attempts to correct.

    There is probably something I don’t know about the CMS this blog is built on and/or the CSS controlling the formatting and lists structure. This is a freaky thing that happened; I’m such a sensitive and hyper perfectionist that I’m still feeling bad about it.

    Siena, I hope you aren’t triggered too much. Usually this kind of thing delights me and gives me a chance to fool around and do and learn more but that’s only for my own explorations. I would not feel right infringing or intruding on anyone else which is what has happened here, although accidentally.

    SLV
    P.S. I just logged on and I see that Daria is maybe doing a little exploration of the kind that i would normally do.

    You are innocent here, Daria so …explore away. I hope you can figure out how to do more things. Or fix it. I bet you will.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:30am

  593. 593: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella — I definitely think you should go out with date guy again, along with mr feelgood and hottie!

    It’s too soon to tell if date guy is a do-over or not, don’t you think? I understand you feel he is bringing up old feelings about your stepdad, but that may just be one of many aspects he brings out in you. If you are meant to have a “do over” with him, though, then I say proceed with him and let things go where they will. It’s definitely not a waste of your time to work through that trigger and if you honestly keep your heart open to him when you’re with him, it’s not a waste of his time either — remember, you are a siren and you are giving him a gift by sharing your time with him, so please don’t let yourself feel guilty for receiving from him! And who knows? You may help him heal a trigger as well — it’s impossible to say how you may benefit him. Maybe he just needs to work through his fear a little and that’s the gift you can give to him, whether you end up with him or not. What do you think?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:33am

  594. 594: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ BarbinOz

    My condolences to you on your loss as you help console your sister.

    I believe there are good men out there and each of us only needs ONE. Someone, I don’t remember who, said that for each of us there’s probably some guy out there, just like us, just right for us, who doesn’t know we exist. We have to go find him.

    I believe there are more than one for me, maybe not too many, but I’m going to make an effort to find as many of them as I can and then choose the best. Good luck to you too in the coming months and the soon to be new year.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:55am

  595. 595: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ 552: mary

    Hello, Mary. I don’t know you but if you are the Mary of the “brisk-walk-hot-chocoloate” CL ad then you have been an inspiration. Thank you.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:58am

  596. 596: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #541 – I wasn’t attacking you!! I wasn’t attacking Knocksoftly, either! I was protecting unborn children, and I was voicing my feelings about the horror of tiny, defenseless children being ripped limb from limb and being sucked out of their mother’s womb. Or burned out of it.

    Were you protecting yourself or were you protecting your emotional pain from your abortion? Maybe if you would let the trigger do its work you could clear away the remaining pain you may hold from letting them kill your baby.

    I love you and care for you, Daria. And I love and care for unborn children.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:09am

  597. 597: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Barb))),

    #543 – I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wasn’t on the blog much this weekend and there are a whole bunch of posts I can’t keep up with. I have given up trying, because my life outside of the blog is falling apart.

    I feel scared of getting to know men, too, and without hardly meeting any I have already had a lot of really bad experiences. I have come to see not only have women drifted away from their femininity, but men have drifted away from their masculinity. That is, they seem quick to attack women, not protect and provide for them.

    For the life lost, just know that you could have missed the tears, but you would have missed the dance. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Hugs and Love,
    Brenda

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:15am

  598. 598: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday , Busy but took my tears to bed with me..
    lots of grief for the 5 year imaginary relationship (but NO CONTACT …Yaaay ME!)
    Today , aquarobics class by the sea, culture vulture classical singers live in an old church , then date – online coffee meetup..
    YUMMY , so nice, tall, cute and 7 years younger ..
    Oh no , I am hearing the dreaded C-word..yes…
    COUGAR –Sirens please help me still my Nasty Voice so I know the kiss in the carpark was not a charitable offering to an old lady (:
    Before Tuesday..he wants another date :)

    Rosa

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:27am

  599. 599: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @557: Daria says:
    “… tried my hand at stiching a hole in my nightshirt, i feel inspired to do more art with my clothes, i want to start putting on patches and changing the shape of stuff…”

    Hi Daria,

    If you are not a fan of Craftster web site, check it out. It is vast! (about 200,000 members) and filled with unusual stuff. A year or so ago I stayed up all night reading the archives of how people locked their hair–yeah, I go on these exploration flings…I starting to feel I wanted to lock my hair…but didn’t.

    I haven’t visited the site in a while and I just did and found it had been bought out by a big Internet company some months ago… :cry: Although it doesn’t look quite as funky as it did before, the site is still hip enough. Lots of art projects! Incredible!

    You might find some fun stuff in the Craftster
    Reusing/Recycling/Recrafting archives. I was fascinated by the reconstructed clothing projects.

    http://www.craftster.org

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:29am

  600. 600: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa,

    ” 7 years younger ” looool that’s not enough to make you a “cougar”, not even close !
    As long as mister 7 years younger has a job, has a masculine vibe and is a gentleman i’d say…go for it and enjoy !

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:40am

  601. 601: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa — I don’t know how old you are, but if the word “cougar” triggers nv’s in you, then please banish it from your vocabulary!

    I recently dated a man who was 8 yrs younger than I (nicknamed ‘cougar man’ here on the board, lol) and I can assure you that he was not just throwing kisses my way out of sympathy…he was genuinely attracted to me — very strongly! And the older you get, the less 7 years really matters…past 35 in particular, it just seems to all blend together. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:42am

  602. 602: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Barbinoz, wow so sorry about your families loss. It has to be so hard on you. I do have a man in my life to whom I’m engaged as I told you earlier who is very ill. He doesn’t have any money. He receives $700.00 a month in government disability. That is it…He is very very sweet but only worked in bands and such throughout his life. It’s been 40 years since we’ve seen ea other and now back together.He did some heavy drinking and is paying dearly for it. He had a difficult life. He is very shy and just had trouble making ends meet. Well, I still love him but life sure has gotten tough. I work with very sick people every day on my job helping to rehabilitate brain injured and spinal cord. I am a massage therapist and work very very hard. I just want to make sure I have the strength of mind and body to deal with my finances situation and my work. This is a total leap of faith I am taking if I continue on in my current situation….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:02am

  603. 603: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette — I really feel for you. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I guess a big part of it would depend on how financially secure I felt within myself at the time. Do you feel pretty strong financially right now? And, this is assuming this guy treats you like a queen other than the monetary aspect of things…so were you looking for a man to add financial stability to your life? Or was that something you felt you could provide for yourself?

    I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to marry a man in this situation, but then again, my line of work is very precarious right now in this economy, so it just wouldn’t be feasible. Then too — I would probably (I say probably because how can you ever predict how those old feelings are going to feel when they crop back up) never have let myself get serious about him in the first place, knowing about his financial situation…maybe that makes you a better woman than I. Or perhaps you’ll be a happier woman than I since I’m seeking not only love but financial stability and who knows how long it will be before I find it?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:51am

  604. 604: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I am NOT a better woman than you…I am trying to sort through all of this. My financial situation is not the best. Yes, I have a job that pays a decent amount, but I’m only contingent there. I have a second job that helps out with that. I have no 401K just an IRA which is depleting some because of the econony. A house that I owe on and a small savings. No dept other then my house. But, it’s just rough as you said in today’s economy. I am a older woman also.. The one thing I have is decent health but there’s no long guarantee with that. Sometimes I wonder if I am settling, but other times I sort of think it’s my mission to help others being I’m a spiritual woman. I don’t want to be poor either…It’s a very hard life. SO, I just need all the sirens help with this one. I see myself as a siren in many respects. But I know there’s room for improvement.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:03am

  605. 605: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    543 Barb
    Let me say first that I just absolutely love your voice on here.

    The volume of posts makes it difficult not to miss some of them and i missed the original

    I am sorry to hear about your family’s loss.

    “I have posted on here a few times that I am afraid of men, but what I really am afraid is of getting my heart broken yet again by another man.”

    Yes, it really hurts doesn’t it? Still–every time the heart breaks it cracks open just a little more….i’d much rather be able to feel a broken heart than to be numb…i love my cracked open heart and how vulnerable i feel…i can choose to keep it open and let in joy…or close it back up and armor it to keep from feeling pain

    “And today driving to work I thought about M, he has made me stop and think about how there really good and decent men “out there” I just got scared for a wee while.”

    absolutely there are good and decent men out there! can’t allow the few rotten apples to spoil the whole bunch! or like watching the news and thinking that there is more bad than good in the world.

    love to you

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:29am

  606. 606: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @620: Jeannette says:

    “I don’t want to be poor either…It’s a very hard life.”

    It would be an even harder life for the poor man to be married to someone who sees life with him as “settling” or her mission “to help others.” Let him go so he can find joy within himself or find a woman who treasures her time on earth with him and considers herself lucky to have found him.

    Maybe you could be a friend to him and help him find that woman. You say he is/was a musician, perhaps he can continue to build a life around music in some way. However one wishes to spend life, one can indulge almost any passion at many different price points; it takes some intelligence and creativity.

    I don’t have a lot of money but I live a scrumptious life. I hope it will be even better with the right person but I’m not afraid of money problems even though I live on a small income. If you are already nervous, I don’t think you should ignore your concerns; it’s difficult to be happy that way.

    Whatever you decide to do, it’s not necessary to “take a total leap of faith.” Make life plans BEFORE you get married, but that really goes for everyone, doesn’t it? For starters, assume the man will never have more income that he does right now and then work backward to develop your monthly budget and investment schedule. If you are not excited with what you come up with this is a big clue and an indicator of your future happiness.

    And if you don’t feel happy now, do not let anyone, ANYONE, pressure you into marriage.

    My two cents, your mileage may vary…

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:46am

  607. 607: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Dear Jeanette, i so identify with what you are going through. i went through this about two years ago with someone who i thought i was in love with. He had bipolar and a history of losing job after job, cheating on his wife and general disloyalty. We communicated on line and by phone for months and manufactured a whole fantasy relationship based on commonalities like spiritual philosophy, some personality characteristics and sexual needs.

    i was badly craving a man’s attention and to be romanced at that time, but not only that. a key component was that i was falling, yet again, into the rescuer/fixer mode, where i could feel so great about myself if i could help this disadvantaged person (virtually homeless, not close to his family, bipolar, 12 years older than I, no savings, small monthly stipend).

    the whole time i was entertaining this, my guides and intuition were saying, “no, no, no…don’t bring this man here into your life and home….it will not turn out well, please spare yourself…..”
    i finally listened to that and escaped some, not all, damage.

    “Sometimes I wonder if I am settling, but other times I sort of think it’s my mission to help others being I’m a spiritual woman.”

    jeanette, jeanette…. if you believe it is your mission to help others being you are a spiritual woman, but, you are obviously continuing to having MAJOR doubts about this…(i remember you writing here about this a month or so ago) then consider this:

    why do you need to take this mission on in your personal love and intimacy life where chances are it will not nourish you, but deplete you? And then what good will you be to help anyone? who is going to help you?

    What about taking care of yourself? We can help people and society in so many other ways than volunteering for them in our personal lives.

    I am sure you will feel guilty if you don’t marry him.

    But he is NOT your first responsibility. You are.

    Where was he all these years?

    i keep telling myself…boundaries…boundaries….

    hope this helps, dear one

    love to you

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:51am

  608. 608: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    SLV…..you really hit the mark with your words…Maybe I get too caught up in to worrying about the money. I do know I love him…Maybe I should look at where I work…make some changes if I can. I am just overworked and overloaded at times and I know that is something I also need to address. I feel bad about the money thing, my family is caught up in the money thing…I guess everyone craves security, maybe sometimes to a fault….you say you have a small income and still happy? Can you tell me about some of the things that make you happy? I would love to hear more about you! Thank you for sharing….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:00am

  609. 609: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Barb, so sorry for your sadness and your sister’s loss. I can commisserate, and understand your lonely feelings on it.

    This blog is super long! Not being on it for a few days, there is much to read thru. I too, have felt like my comments can be lost in the shuffle.

    I just went thru a mourning anniversary on my sister- who was such more to me. I too, had mentioned it, but no one responded to my grief. I understand that you are far away, it makes us feel out of touch and almost helpless. This week, I just lost an uncle, and am away from them, and feel terrible that I cannot attend the service. I hear you!

    Sometimes when I am writing on this, I feel like it is a processing moment for me, not that I am looking for an answer from someone else. I usually have the answer within, it is simply a matter of pulling it out of my cluttered head.

    I liked the comparison by Brenda, about women loosing their femininity while men are loosing their masculinity! So true as the bloundaries become so blended.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:22am

  610. 610: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette — It sounds to me as if you are taking on this man as a project as opposed to really feeling loved by him…I’ve noticed in all the things you’ve written that nowhere do you mention how wonderful you feel about yourself when you’re around him or how well he treats you…not trying to imply he treats you badly, just saying that if these were the main things that marrying him brought to mind, I think you would have mentioned them.

    I could be wrong here, but that sure is what it sounds like to me and I think you deserve more than that. I’m not silly enough to think you’re going to “get it all” (a perfect man) but I do think there are enough financially solvent men out there for you to find one who will help take care of you instead of the other way around.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:27am

  611. 611: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    One more thing….Senior lady vibe….Rori once told me that I’m a rescuer….I just want to make sure that I am all together here and doing things for the right reasons..I don’t want to be a rescuer, I just want to be happy and live life…I want to know more about the things that make you happy SLV…thanks again..

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:27am

  612. 612: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette, are you confusing your mission at work, with mission for your own personal happiness? What makes you happy? Even if you want to help others, HELP YOURSELF first.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:28am

  613. 613: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Funny, Jeannette- funny, as coincidence, on this particular post article, are you overfunctioning???

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:29am

  614. 614: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Renee…well I do feel good when I’m with him. He is very sensitive, sweet…and we laugh a lot…I think I just let my thoughts and worries about money overpower somethings. I am a work in progress and that is why I am happy to let others point things out…Don’t you think we all worry about money from time to time?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:34am

  615. 615: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    how come all the text is in italic bold?

    Well two – yes 2!!! French men are after me – lol!!! I so love frenchmen….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:34am

  616. 616: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I am going back to teenage life…frenchmen…woooo hoooo!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:35am

  617. 617: LolaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz
    ((((hugs))))
    I am so sorry to hear that! My heart goes out to you all trying to deal with this – I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for the whole family.

    “I have posted on here a few times that I am afraid of men, but what I really am afraid is of getting my heart broken yet again by another man.”
    I hear you – I have actually realised that my fear of heartbreak is far greater than the experience of it. I have clung on to a bad relationship to avoid how I would feel if it ended – then HE ended it and I have survived (hard at first but not as bad as I thought it would be). Not quite the same I know, but all about fear.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:36am

  618. 618: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    “True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.”

    Luv this…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:37am

  619. 619: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    “Sometimes when I am writing on this, I feel like it is a processing moment for me, not that I am looking for an answer from someone else. I usually have the answer within, it is simply a matter of pulling it out of my cluttered head.”-Denise

    Yes, and with that said…I feel so sad and angry that I have to work today….it’s SUNDAY….. I want to loaf around the island….or even go and have a day for myself….why am I doing this??? Fear…… Yep…. I feel scared that if I quit….my li will judge me…… I feel scared that I may want to do something fun or needed so I don’t want to say no to money…..but….I feel angry …… Because Sunday is a very special day for me….. This is what happened when Erika did the group call…..I had committed to the call and I was feeling so excited…and then I remembered that I had agreed to work……I was in a rage on the blog by myself…..i felt betrayed but I was the captain of this ship…so I had betrayed myself subconsciously ………. I called out and kept my commitment to the call…… And secretly hoped they would not ask me to work Sunday again…..but they did…..and I have worked….. 3 Sundays at least….. I feel the anger seeping into my life….. My body feels achy….I don’t want to do anything…… Was so energetic last month……and now I can barely get out of bed….!!!!!! Why am I allowing this…..I feel destructive…I feel like quitting…..but I am afraid I will lose the reference if I’m a “bad girl”….. I feel like hiding….I feel like I may overflow….the anger seems to be creeping into every area of my life….like I hate everyone because I have to work on Sundays but I DON’T have to!!!! I just didn’t say no……. I suck at sucking it up and stuffing….. I don’t stuff….I explode….and this is me stuffing!!!! And it is hard to see because it is work related :(

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:38am

  620. 620: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    hey jeanette, i’m curious, why the rush to get married? to make this all so permanent?
    What about a trial run?

    another suggestion: a pros and cons list.
    I feel an obligation to look honestly and take the responsibility to decide what I am going to be able to live with further on down the road, “love conquers all” notwithstanding.

    Because of raising my kids by myself for all these years, and being a healer and a massage therapist by profession, taking care of people all day long, which I LOVE doing…. I know without a doubt that I don’t want a life partner that i will probably have to do a good bit of caretaking, focusing on giving, giving, giving….masculine energy. Physically, the right side of my body, (the masculine side) is already f**ked up, that tells me something.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:45am

  621. 621: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    lizzie,

    Frenchmen are really romantic… clap clap for that !
    you know…french wine with cheese…strawberries with cream… miammmm lol

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:49am

  622. 622: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly-

    Well dealing with your stuff sucks. Its is never an easy decision no matter what. I have been there, done that.
    More than once. I had an abortion at a very young age. The boy went away and I never heard from him again. I do not regret it, nor do I have any lingering icky guilt feelings about what I did. It was right for me at the time. Me and God are settled with it.

    You see God does not need me to protect his children, born or unborn. Things work out like they are supposed to. God has it all handled.

    Later in life I got pregnant again. The boy bolted-I never saw him again. But I chose to have the baby, raise it on my own, a single mother and today I have a 25 yo daughter. She is beautiful and I never regret having her.

    Life is a funny old dog sometimes. We do the very best we can with what we know at the time. If I can offer any “advise” (and I hate advise unsolicited from others!) I would say this:

    Go deep within and listen to the small voice inside.
    That is where God/Creator of the universe lives. Ask for help. Ask for comfort. That little voice knows you through and through and will do what is best for you every time. It is only when I did not trust my gut that I have gotten in trouble. Your gut knows. The god within you knows what to do.

    So no more preaching. No more telling someone else what is right for them. No more control. No more zealot on a mission. Just trust that things will be ok whatever it is. All is well, and all is well, and well manner of things are well.

    Peace, love and light. Comfort and blessings and forgiveness on you Knocksoftly and the rest of us here.

    Barbinoz-

    My empathy goes out to you. Fifty is so young,.
    When my father died I thought I would never get over it. I was a wreck for months. Your sister expects him to walk in the door. Yes I know the feeling. I actually picked up the telephone and called my dad’s number and listened to it ring and ring and ring thinking somehow I knew he would answer.
    This kind of grief is a huge shock to the system. Take good care of you and I wish your sister all the comfort of being really kind and gentle to herself right now. Hugs.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:55am

  623. 623: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Life…is …too…short…. what you say is true with me too. I am a massage therapist too and I take care of others all day…But….they take care of me too by giving me a paycheck. I really don’t have to be in a hurry to get married. I’ve been divorced now 10 1/2 years…..I can go longer if I need to….His family keeps asking me about a wedding date…I just have to come up with the right line to make him and them happy. About a trial run….I won’t live with a man before marriage, it’s just my personal choice.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:01am

  624. 624: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    .
    624: Jeannette says:
    “SLV…you say you have a small income and still happy? Can you tell me about some of the things that make you happy? I would love to hear more about you! Thank you for sharing….”

    Sure, I love to share. I’m rather new here so I suspect I’ll be sharing (as CD?) different things I do, see, feel etc as time goes by. I’ve come to believe the true wealth in life is health, love, time. Time is a luxury; health and love feel really good.

    For example today, my Sunday afternoon…this might change today because I have a cold and coughing a lot so I might stay at home…or just go for a walk…I don’t like to stand around coughing in the galleries)

    I don’t keep a car (I used to and that sucked up a lot of money). This afternoon, I could use my metrocard (unlimited bus and train trips for $89 month) to go to Museum of Modern Art ($75 year membership for unlimited visits) and enjoy the art and also see a movie (included) , maybe stop in the museum cafe and have a coffee and dessert.

    Total cost today excluding the cafe (but I also get discount on cafe) travel, museum, movie = $0

    If i’m sufficient inspired I’ll come home and do some pencil on paper sketches using lessons in book (I got it new last year for $2.00)

    I’ll listen to some Vivaldi (free music from library) on my old CD player (a Kris Kringle gift from years ago) hooked up to little speakers (I saved from an old computer) I’ve been thinking about getting an mp3 player but haven’t done that yet…sometimes my tech is a bit behind :lol:

    I’ll probably have a telephone “visit” from my sister who lives in another city. (I don’t pay for phone, I’m on son’s family plan)

    I use what I have and I don’t feel deprived. More importantly, what makes you happy? As an exercise write out what would make you happy over the next year and assign $dollar cost to each thing and then divide by 12 and that’s your monthly budget to ensure your happiness… :D Does it work for you? Could you make it work?

    I recommend Timothy Ferriss’s “The 4-Hour Workweek” for more ideas. You can probably find this first version cheap somewhere; there’s a new one out now. I bought the original in 2007 after I borrowed my son’s copy; loved it and immediately when to Barnes & Noble to get my own!

    I love lifestyle design. I don’t visit there much, too busy, but here’s his web site:

    http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:04am

  625. 625: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I had an epiphany yesterday! SS said something about that sex is the icing on the cake. It really struck home for me as I know I am in love with my Perfect Man, who I am not having intercourse with, and ponder how to get to the next level.

    I feel wonderful in his presence, he gives so much affection to me. Although he is not demonstrative with his words, I feel his outpouring of adoration. It is like the best chocolate cake! The sex, even without the intercourse is hugely satisfying, makes me soooo pleased and my orgasms were quick and intense, as I had been longing for him to initiate the last few weeks. The rubber band process is working as I am anchoring with his bounce backs. Now I wait for the rich icing….

    But in the meantime, as I am trying to see how I feel about CDing… I am sooooooo UPSET by it. Yesterday/today big lesson here. Does anyone else get this way, pissed about CDing, while happily dating?

    I listen to a few my age, similiar stories – Honey, Life ITS, Brenda come to mind, about how difficult it can be on some of these dating sites. How the men don’t step up to even the call, or a date. I go through this all the time, and know it is not me, so I say to myself “NEXT!”.

    But I try the CD of myself, and even that sometimes, just does not feel right. Yesterday, I can say that is what I felt, and it is spilling over today, making me upset and feeling frustrated because I hate not being able to decide if I should call.

    Yesterday morning when my Perfect Man was leaving my house after a fun date night out, and many hours of sensual, wonderful pleasure, I know I hurt hims badly. He looked like a wounded puppy!

    He told me he was going to play some golf with his brother, and work out, and I could see he was trying to make a plan about Saturday night. This was the first Saturday night in ten months, that I actually had committed to a plan with family, without him. He had not asked me all week about plans for the w/e, as he often doesn’t, he just expects me to be his social secretary. I know, here is the blurring of the line, where my boy energy and TYPE A personality takes over. Just when my leaning back has been working so well. Well, I accepted my dad’s invitation to attend dinner & the theatre with him and friends.

    I told Perfect Man that I had these plans, but not the detail that it was my dad. He did not aske me who they were with, since he had told me last month, that I should be open to dating others, as he has been rubber banding about committing. He looked so confused and wounded! I told him he could call me later, if he was staying around and we could meet then, and he was confused of when he should call. I also mentioned I would like to go to the drivign range on Sunday with him. I did not hear from him at all. I text him at intermission, asking what he was up to, and that I’d be another hour. Nothing back. I text on my way home, “helllloooooooo” and nothing.

    I feel sad that my little CDing of just my dad, ended up hurting Perfect Man. I am trying over here! I had a long talk with a great guy friend who said I should have been honest with him and tell him it was only with my dad. He thinks he will be mistrusting now as he was cheated oh in his last realtionship and is experiencing fear of loss from that and the death of his ex-fiance.

    Any opinions out there?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:07am

  626. 626: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Well, well Senior Lady Vibe…again, you have me thinking more. I always worry about my weight and hair and how I look. Cuz I have fine hair that needs work…I work two jobs taking care of others which is good. Sometimes and this is going to sound funny, I come home after work and feel tired and sort of unmotivated…that is probably when I should look for something I especially like to do. I like books and learning and visiting with family. I also like to draw and write poetry but havn’t been super inspired lately. What would be nice would be to write a book about my work because there is such a contrast between the 2 places I work. One of which I’m working with people who are trying to stay alive..Brain injured, spinal cord injured….very sick people. Then 2 days a week I work at a day spa where people come in and just want to be pampered sometime which is alright too. It’s just such a contrast. But mostly when I come in I just want to flop down because I’m just that tired. I want to just plain enjoy life more…not having to worry about money and work so much…but my mother is the same way. I know that is no excuse but all she does is worry, worry, worry. Boy, it sure gets old….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:17am

  627. 627: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    try something like this:

    It felt nice to spend time with my dad last night , I don’t get to do that very often- the theatre was excellent as well. It would feel awesome to hear how your golf game was and make some plans for the driving range – what do you think?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:19am

  628. 628: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie- sounds nice! Would you text him or call? He is not great at texting- he has an old phone that needs updating.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:23am

  629. 629: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    So do tell about the French man! ooohh la la mais oui!

    One of my first big crushes in college was a Parisian; we meet in Miami. He was so hot and romantic! He was adorable, with a great body, now a MD, but he had the tiniest itsy bitsy weeny I ever have seen! It was Sad Sad Sad. I moved to Paris later, one summer and it still was a fun time! We dated each for a while off and on, even when I had a serious bf, because he was so interesting and exotic. But I could not live a life with his underachiever. LOL!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:27am

  630. 630: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,
    I don’t think that you HAD to tell him that you were “only” going out with your dad just to reassure him but simply informing him that you were going out with your dad to do this and that.
    Now you’re worrying too much about why he’s not responding to you and that is making you lean forward a little, the continuing textind even if he’s not answering…suggesting that you guys go out on sunday…asking him to call you later if he was around.
    I and i’m just saying would stop the reaching out and wait for him to manifest himself and i know he will Denise AND when he does casually mention your date with your dad..

    Hope that helped !

    Hugs,
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:28am

  631. 631: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i’m watching ‘toxic men’ for the first time since i got out of my extremely toxic relationship…it’s amazing! i think it was too dead-on when i was in a bad place for me too acknowledge what was going on…i feel great watching it now, though, knowing that i can make changes with the next guy(s).

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:28am

  632. 632: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @642: Jeannette

    You have interesting jobs and the juxtaposition makes it more so. Write? You could do a blog! And spend 5 or ten minutes posting your thoughts. Yeah, get a free Blogger blog, you could do that today. Hey, maybe I’ll do one too!

    My weight and hair are a concern too. :lol: I bet that goes for all of us. Maybe this “pulling myself together” pre-online dating will help primp a bit more. I keep threatening to color my hair and get a proper “hair style” again–I’ve become a wash and go kind of girl in these later years.

    I bought a pedometer but I haven’t used it yet. I should do that also…

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:32am

  633. 633: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe, that is my downfall. I have been rowing too much. I do like that I came a long way with leaning back more lately. And it has been giving more benefits than I thought. I try not to expect that it will work, sometimes I think it is just protecting me and my heart, while I wait for him to step up. Then he does! But I do think he is probably outraged right now. If he is not outraged, maybe that is too strong a thought, I feel me may mistrust me and my intentions. And his fear may be taking over.

    Pepe, you are so right, he will manifest. It just may not be today. I usually spend most of the weekend with him at my house, because he lives an hour away. Now I am missing him. My guess is he will not call today, unless he feels safe, or perhaps that there is not anyone else here, taking up his space. He has been making too many jokes about my other bf’s lately, and I know he has his insecure moments. I try to reassure him.

    It feels wrong that he is not here!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:41am

  634. 634: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Blech!

    He is pouting and sulking…… And good for him…… Imagination isn’t always the male mind ‘s strong point. They have to see it to believe it. That’s why “saying” you are doing something…..and then “doing” it are like night and day for him…..

    He talked all that “coolness ” and now that sat. Was swiped out from under him….he FeLT the absence…… Good…. Now he has some contrast to mull over…… If I find out you are being sorry for him…… Well…… I will feel very ANGRY.
    He is a MAN…….. And he gets to see how silly he is if he can ever keep his word(encouraging you to keep your options)or get honest with himself and decide he needs to start PLANNING and taking the lead……and taking it for granted that if he does not plan Saturdays he may lose Saturdays……

    Reality check old man!!!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:51am

  635. 635: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,
    I actually had already seen that video on Autism, and was very touched. I absolutely loved it! however, when i saw that Wikepedia links Autism and Anorexia, I considered my brief bout with Anorexia as a teen and I felt triggered into thinking “maybe there is something really ‘wrong’ with me!”
    I know that’s just negative voices. Although I do feel very curious about why that was even on Wikepedia – is there any truth to it at all??

    I have given a lot of thought lately to what my mindframe was like at that time (cause I have been asked to write the answer to the question “what do I wish I had known when I was 13)

    Here is a typical thought pattern from that time:

    “Okay, at breakfast I had Gritz: 110 calories. Add 10 calories for Juicy Fruit gum at around 10am. At lunch, I’ll have Vegetarian Chicken Noodle Soup: 130 calories. Okay, so that’s 250 calories so far…that’s 30 less than yesterday: Good! I’ll treat myself to a fresh piece of gum in the afternoon instead of making one piece last all day.” At lunch, I’d think, “I’m doing so well today: I feel warm satisfaction AND burning hunger…Perfect. In fact, I don’t want ruin this: I will not have that fresh piece of gum. I will keep it at 250 calories, and chew the same piece of gum all day.”

    I thought like this all day – constantly whittling down my intake. I definitely disconnected from Life (although the year before, I was a ‘normal’ kid), and I did have a major paradigm shift, but I don’t think Autism is the right word for it.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:54am

  636. 636: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe, I don’t really know how to get started with the blogging thing. I will have to give that some thought…I am having my fiance over with all my grown children for a turkey dinner today. I became a grandmother 3 weeks ago and today my mother is meeting her first great grandson here in my home. It will be pleasant…I intend to just fully enjoy the moment. Talk with you soon.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:55am

  637. 637: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Girl,

    Yeah, they both start with ‘A’.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:56am

  638. 638: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel jealous that SS got to see Nikita! I wanna see!!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:56am

  639. 639: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    I so feel you girl !
    The leanback is a strong tool and yes i don’t think he will conctact you today cause he knows that you’ll expect him to talk about making plans for today…
    Stop worrying about why he’s doing a disapering act cause you don’t know for sure that it’s because he’s hurt that you went out on a date but to avoid that if it is the case like i suggest it just keep him inform of your plans and keep it at that…another thing if a week goes by and he hasn’t mention making plans with you make plans for yourself and try to have fun without him.
    The fact that he’s making jokes about those “bf’s” of yours is a really good sign remember rori said so but the key is how you handle that, don’t quickly jump and explain yourself especially if your not doing anything wrong and if doesn’t say CLEARLY what is exactly bothering him, if you see that he’s upset just ask him what’s up if he says nothin don’t try to guess what’s up with him and keep it at that, just sayin..

    Hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:59am

  640. 640: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I’d expect he felt the absense. There has been some taken for granted moements- and I have brought that up, in the opposite, saying he should invite me for whatever. And he replies, “I thought we were beyond that”. Now my wise cousin, who really likes him and knows the whole story just offered her afternoon concert tickets to me, as she does not want them to go to waste as someone else cancelled last minute. She says call him to invite him to this, and simply mention it was fun going to the concert with my dad.

    What to do what to do….my heart wants to reach out to him.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:59am

  641. 641: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I think control……and the need for order….the need to manage…..the need for accountability…….the need to find peace and stillness in the chaos around you….the need for “busyness”……the need for an anchor…..a regimen…….something to hold……to say….see…..I do have power over something……and I can overlook….or not look at the things or feelings that I do not have control over…..I CAN create order out of chaos……

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:00am

  642. 642: GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita,
    Ha, yeah that seems to be about it. I feel bad that I was so anti identifying with Autism, even though I thought I had some enlightened view, since I had been touched by that video. I feel a little bad and guilty that I have some idealistic view that didn’t translate when it was close to home.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:01am

  643. 643: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol :)

    Aww …… I feel jealous you don’t seem to have to work today!!!

    Grrrrrrr….. I just want to call out so bad…….I hate it!!!!! I think I’d rather wait tables part time for a spell than this underpaid fluffy crap!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:02am

  644. 644: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Be grateful for the job in this economy! I am jealous of that.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:05am

  645. 645: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    652: Jeannette

    You became a grandmother! That’s so exciting. I’m a grandmother too. Have fun with the little one.

    For a Blogger blog you only need a gmail account, no ftp or WordPress installation required. If you can do email or post here you can do a Blogger blog, same skill set.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:07am

  646. 646: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    That’s leaning forward again….

    he’s not answering your texts so there’s a good chance he won’t answer you call.
    Calling him…inviting him to a concert…and explaining to him that it was “just” a date with your dad = leaning forward while he didn’t bother responding to you when you texted him.
    If you want to try to call him do it but and that’s me, i just don’t think it’s a good idea.

    hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:07am

  647. 647: MichelleNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know where to post my question, but here it goes. I dated a guy for 1.5 years (i’m 28 he’s 26). Before we got together he was about 4 months single from a 6 year relationship. Him and his ex were still friends through our entire relationship. She even still cut his hair. I accepted this because I trusted him, but I NEVER trusted her. I knew she still thought he was the one.

    Well my this guy and I fell deeply in love. We were always on the same wavelength. I remember him getting drunk at a party in the spring and having this “deep” conversation with me telling me how he has never loved anyone like he loves me. He would tell me stuff like this non-drunk too! We were doing great, we really were. Then around late June I started feeling distance between us. He just started a 2nd job and was working the graveyard so I chalked it up to that for a while. Then our intimacy got less and less. I found out his ex-girlfriend had recently broke up with her boyfriend she was living with. I got scared and started distancing myself. Then, July 29th he broke-up with me. No explanation other than “I don’t love you like I used to. I can’t give you what you want, you deserve better”.
    We didn’t talk for a month. During this month I had heard sightings of him out with his ex. Finally him and I met and caught up on life, but did not talk about his ex or our relationship. But at the end of our catch-up session we decided to plan a date. So the next week we were supposed to go out. He cancelled. But still talked to me via text. Then a week later he stopped responding to my texts or calls. His mom said he just doesn’t want to “hurt me” anymore. It’s been 3 months now. He is still trolling around with his ex. I’m sure they are extreamly sexual with eachother, but I can’t get answers from anyone if they are in a “relationship”.

    I miss him. I want to be able to communicate with him. I don’t want to forget about him. Everyone says to forget about him for 6 months or so then try and contact him. I don’t want to wait. I wrote a letter apologizing for some of my weaknesses. Reminding him how were were there for eachother when both of our worlds were crumbling for different reasons. And reminding him of the great memories we had. Then I go on to say I am happy for him that he is back with his “true love” and that I just want to hear how things are going for him. I haven’t given him the letter yet… thinking about doing it tonight, but I am scared out of my mind. I don’t want to screw up a chance of a reconcilliation but doing anything too soon. But is 3 months really too soon?? What do I do? I don’t want to date him right now… but I do believe he is “the one” and wonder if I have any hope of us overcoming all of this.

    P.S. His family and friends all hate his ex (the woman he is hanging out with now). They blame her for “ruining” certain aspects of his life. She is a complete self-centered B*#ch. The total opposite of me. I don’t even know if she really loves him or just doesn’t want him to be happy without her. She walked away from him during some rough times in his life that I stood by him for. Now his life is on track and he walked away from me to go back to her??

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:14am

  648. 648: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear all,
    Today I woke up with a sense of emptiness. I automatically thought of him. That made me feel all the more low. Then I thought of the list I had made on the things that make me feel good. I picked two- keeping my house clean and neat. I did some washing and cleaning. A friend invited me for lunch, so In went to her place, spent some time there. Then I went for shopping. I did the biggest shopping I ever did in my life, partly becasue I wanted to buy some clothes and stuff and partly because I had to change my wardrobe (completely into cotton clothes) because of the allergy. I bought some really lovely clothes. I love it. It made me feel really good. My house is shining now- it is neat and I arranged my study. It looks great. Great.
    Friends, it works. When I do things from the list, not only does it make me feel good, but I can stop thinking about him, stop beating myself up with all those horrible memories.
    Tomorrow I have to go to office-the very thought of meeting him at the office making me feel unpleasant.
    Meemee

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:18am

  649. 649: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Explain=control ;)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:19am

  650. 650: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Phooey! Grateful for a job!!!!! Phooey phooey phooey!!!
    Maybe if I said no to Sunday someone who REALLY needed it would be hired….. I don’t NEED it!!!!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:21am

  651. 651: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee yay!! :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:23am

  652. 652: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — I agree with Pepe…since he hasn’t taken the time to answer your other 2 txts, I wouldn’t txt/call him again…regardless of what his problem is today (and for all you know it could be a problem with his phone) it’s his problem and not yours. You started out great with not cancelling your other plans (hope you had fun!) and now you’ve just got to keep it up. Give him the gift of missing you…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:24am

  653. 653: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    You are so right! Thanks for the reinforcement. I tried to call him before I read your post, and you are right- he did not answer. So typical. I left no message, and now I feel better. If he wants to sulk he can do it alone. If he is disappearing, I do not know why, and it is not for me to figure out. His issue is not my issue, I like to remind myself. Why am I worrying so much? Why do I lean forward so much?

    Rubberband man! AAAaaarrrrggghhhhhhh.

    Ladies, I am going to the concert to see beautiful music being made.

    Thank you for listening!

    I feel better.

    I love culture.

    I am free to enjoy my day. Enjoy yours!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:27am

  654. 654: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Denise, these are the times…when you really, really want to lean forward…this is where the rubber meets the road…hold yourself back. It’s a challenge!!

    Maybe look at it as the boundary dance. You’re doing great with the rubber band dance….it looks as though the stakes are getting bigger, so don’t start worrying too much about scaring him off.

    If he really values you and the relationship, it will take a lot more than that to chase him away!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:28am

  655. 655: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    Thanks for the back up !

    Denise,
    Those concert tickets…can’t yoy go with your cousin, your guy friend or why not your dad ?

    that will keep your focus off of him and force yourself to have have, put an effortlessly sexy outfit cause who knows you could meet some great guys there !

    Hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:30am

  656. 656: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    renee:

    “give him the gift of missing you”

    good one!!

    have a great day everyone, love you all, but i must get off this blog now!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:33am

  657. 657: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee — That’s awesome! I’m so glad you found some joy in doing things from your list after you had that nasty feeling when you woke up. What a major step forward for you — you’re effectively managing your moods and able to lift yourself out of a funk when you’re in one — Go Meemee!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:36am

  658. 658: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    Yes, now I wish I was going to the concert…..that is still circular dating and you can practice unzipping your heart……(and mute your cell phone) :)
    Have fun and maybe you will make some new friends on your music adventure!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:38am

  659. 659: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    RE: #641 – I don’t necessarily know if I am right, but if I were you, I would tell him it was with my Dad, since he was so obviously hurt about it.

    In Commitment Blueprint, Rori says to say, “Oh, it would feel so good to go with you, but I’m booked until Sunday.”

    Something like that.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:38am

  660. 660: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    RE: #642 – I highly recommend “The Power” about having the life you want and not living in exhaustion and worry. It’s about tapping into the wealth by the law of attraction and the power of Love. There’s a lot more to it, tho, and well worth the time to read. I am reading it now.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:45am

  661. 661: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Denise – If it were me, and my man was not so good at texting, I would phone him. I know that is not the Rori way, but you have been seeing him for some time. Interestingly as an older woman dating men my age, they seem to expect and like getting an email, phone call once in a while. Not to the point of needy, and certainly there does need to be a “reason” – you have a reason – you need to tell him you went out with your dad. I don’t see it as you rowing the boat. I see it more as a statement to your guy that you are still lounging there in the back of the boat.

    Personally, I have discovered that I dislike being on the phone and only like to use it to set something up. That seems to be very guy-like.

    In addition to the 2 Frenchmen – both of whom I will arrange to see in the next week – there are 2 others pursuing me – while I wait for Family Guy to pick up the freaking oars. One of the guys gave me his phone number and asked to call so that we can arrange a meet. I called. I said I only had a few minutes before dashing to a meeting. He began to yak….and yak….and yak….telling me he was at the doctor and all the things wrong with him. Finally I broke in and said, I have to rush! He then called back later in the evening and left a message for me to call and set up a meet. So, I called back the next day and the same thing happened again – he talked and talked and talked – and again I said I had to rush off. Now I am not going to call him back – he is irritating.

    Both Frenchmen want me to pick a date….Frenchmen usually know how to treat a woman….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:55am

  662. 662: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    what is with the bold italic? it feels like I am screaming at myself….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:58am

  663. 663: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    conspiracy theory – it is bold italic so that I won’t write so much….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:00pm

  664. 664: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    hahaha! now it isn’t italic any more…just bold!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:01pm

  665. 665: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi – I think I got the italics thing –Please – no code! – the closing brackets were wrong – it’s openbracket/then the code, then closing bracket…not openbracket, then code/then closing bracket…and if you accidentally use any anywhere and things get weird, ask Brenda or Daria or Tinque to email me the post where it starts…that way I can get it faster…wow – didn’t know I was so techy! Also – I’m SO sorry – in an attempt to fix this I deleted some emoticon comments and things with a lot of code – I saw Daria try to fix it…thank you…I started with deleting those first…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:03pm

  666. 666: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I still feel really angry and it feels morphy like now I want to go- waaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa look at me I feel so miserable and undervalued by this place that “can’t afford me”…and now my back pain is surfacing(rib area-) and I feel limited mobility and pouty and wanting to blame my lover- or make him wrong somehow for “making” me go! But he isn’t making me go!!!! Ugh!!! This feels irritating and sad and I feel mournful and we drove past a funeral- and the people were lined around the corner to get inside and I feel all “chekhov” dramatic; in mourning for my life!! Omg! The drama!!!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:08pm

  667. 667: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Michelle – so sorry – and yet – this is classic. No matter what he says, his actions say that he’s into her and not into you. Therefore, whatever he says – what he’s attracted to is a “self-centered bitch.” Keep this in mind for everyone. If the last woman was horrible to him and you’re wonderful to him, and he withdraws – chances are you’re overfunctioning and centering on him – and – you’re just not EVER going to be ‘”self-centered bitch” enough for him. Do you really WANT to be? Also – the “distancing yourself” is a very tricky road to go. That’s one almost any of my programs can fix for you for the future. There’s a big difference between open, warm “diva” and cold, good woman. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:09pm

  668. 668: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok….I am doing this thing again and in an effort to see:

    I Do Not Perceive My Own Best Interests.

    In the situation involving ___________, I would like ___________to happen, and _____________ to happen,

    I do not perceive my own best interests in this situation,

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:24pm

  669. 669: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Michelle — Please don’t send him that letter…it sounds to me like you’re basically apologizing for your entire self and that’s really not something you need to apologize for. Is this man perfect? Is he aplogizing for his imperfections?

    I don’t know whether there’s any chance for a future for you all or not, but I do know that you need to be seen as being strong and in control instead of being seen as apologizing for living, which is what that letter sounds like to me. Please reconsider — I know you’re really hurt right now, but that letter will not help at all — if anything, it will only hurt your chances of not only getting back with him (which may or may not be possible/a good idea) but also it will hurt you in the process of trying to love yourself, something it seems you need a big dose of.

    If I could hug you and make the pain go away, I would, but since I can only type words on a screen to you, I implore you not to sacrifice your dignity by apologizing to him in this letter.

    Hugs,
    Renee

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:25pm

  670. 670: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel disgusted. No one is welcome to impose their beliefs on me about my unborn children. I feel absolutely Violated. I do believe I feel like physically harming you. Luckily we don’t run into each other In real life.

    This feels so personal to me, and I feel completely unheard.

    I feel powerless and attacked to stop the violation. It feels like being raped.

    I don’t actually believe you’ll give a fu*ck, but thats a judgement.

    Again, I chose to kill this part of my body, if it would even be called killing -

    Ok why am I so triggered.

    I’m triggered because I feel terrified of people like Brenda enforcing themselves on my choices as a Goddess. I don’t want to feel judged, misunderstood, blamed,

    Or made to feel like someone else cares about my children more than I do. Ha.

    I feel sad. She won’t shuttip about letting them kill my baby, like it’s someone elses idea,

    Or about the heartbeat of embryos, like I don’t know embryos have heartbeats, duh.

    I happen to think heartbeats or not, they’re not born until they’re born.

    I feel like Brenda is one of those PPH protestors that shove pictures in your face of bloody abortions.

    Those people should go make money and donate their money to orphanages instead of getting into other peoples spirit lives about their body and fertility.

    I see it as a patriarchically imposed thing, this issue with women being able to control their own fertility.

    A fertile woman is able to get pregnant once a month. That’s a lot.

    They used to not allow birth control in some places too, because that’s also preventing pregnancy.

    Well fortunately at this time I didnt have to stick a ciathanger in me. Truthfully I didn’t want the iron thingy I wanted to take herbs but that man never sent them .

    Ok so were suposed to skip judgement posts, gosh that’s a lil difficult for curious me.

    Can’t we just banish her instead, I don’t feel safe, blah. I’ll be alright . I font want to expose myself to abuse, mmm… I feel strange

    I feel scared of “these people”. It feels like not being seem for being a human, ack . I feel terrified of them. I love my terror.

    I live my disgust.

    I love my sadness at being unseen,

    I love my rage.

    I live my calmness.

    Something else came to mind, one of those things I usually don’t say because I don’t think people will understand.

    It was that I felt powerful after my abortion. I felt like, I Can kill my own Unborn child, and I’d be able to kill someone else.

    So I wouldn’t have to, in real life, to prove myself I could – I was concerned about my warriorness and very attracted to this in the life of violence I lived in my mind.

    Anyway I feel done with this post, I’m now going to brace for another post that feels like I’m being barfed on. Do I really have to endure that? Probably not. Probably a good chance to practice the walkaway, grrr I feel resistant to it

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:29pm

  671. 671: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok….I am doing this thing again and in an effort to see:

    I Do Not Perceive My Own Best Interests.

    In the situation involving , I would like * to happen , and to happen,

    I do not perceive my own best interests in this situation,

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:30pm

  672. 672: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am actually answering the posts because I feel attracted to them! I’m hoping that something will happen.

    I’m just feeling so triggered and confused.

    Perhaps I can change something for me by ignoring them. Everyone else seems to.

    Hmmph I am so triggered. How about this.

    Angels, even though I am very scared, I would like this healed ina way that feels so good, like I’ve received the gem of this. Thank you, will you help me?

    Yes.

    Ok thank you!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:36pm

  673. 673: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Gee that looks cryptic without the spaces :(

    wow, Daria . I feel so much owning-ness from that post-

    I feel ok
    I feel accepted
    I feel; I know God too
    I feel I love too
    I feel strong
    I feel a line drawn
    I feel awake

    I feel loving towards you anyway, in spite of protests, and propaganda…I feel joy that no hangers are required….I feel peace

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:43pm

  674. 674: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    I’m stranded in Seatac waiting for a few hours till my part-time hubby comes to pick me up.

    Barb, I’m sorry about what happened to your bro-in-law: may your sister find strength and happiness again soon.

    I can’t wait for our house-playing week. :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:46pm

  675. 675: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok how about this…..I feel scared that a woman could own every cell of her being and not be vulnerable to be FORCED to carry to term.

    I used to feel “better than” them. I also used to keep enough money in the bank just to pay for one (just in case)

    I used that money to pay for my girl’s procedure.

    I knew I was not better than….I just wasn’t aware of the feelings connected…..I was the financier….my girl and I never talked about it…..I asked her what do you want to do? She said….”I want it out”…..I said ok…..and sent the money.

    I feel jealousy-just because some women can’t make one, they want the others to keep it…..like oh it’s not fair-you get rid of yours and I don’t even have one…….you should suffer!!!
    Phooey suffer!!!!! Thes

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:57pm

  676. 676: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    do any sirens have any advice for me on how to handle having a dinner/meeting at my current boyfriends house tonight with about 6 of his friends, including his ex-gf of 3 years?

    we have been seeing each other for 6 weeks. i have never once initiated, he has come to me consistently. i have been open and honest about everything, sharing feeling messages, and HE recently asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend….. without my ever having to bring it up. it’s going GREAT. the best ever. due to leaning back, i’m convinced of it.

    now for the problem. his ex live-in girlfriend is still a close friend. ok, fine, because i have exes as close friends too. i also trust him, and feel like he is so pleased with all that he gets from our relationship that he absolutely is not looking to go back to her. not the issue. what i’m feeling is not *jealousy*, it’s more anxiety. i am not looking forward to being around her tonight. i’ve met her once, and while we were each friendly enough, i feel like she makes small moves to “claim him”. she pulled her chair over so it was touching his, and proceeded to feed him half of her sandwich that she ordered. directly in front of me. her actions feel inappropriate. she still calls him for emergencies – ie stuck at someones house and needs to go get antibiotics for a sinus infection, etc….. bc she doesn’t drive. and until we started dating, they were still having “sleepovers”, albeit without sex. she used to live there. which is fine do if you are both single but he had to tell her that now that he has an awesome new woman in his life (his words) it’s no longer appropriate. he told me that he wants to date me more than anything and he doesn’t want to do anything that might eff it up.

    sorry, i typed more than i meant to. you can see it’s not a matter of trust to me. i trust him. i give him all the freedom he wants. i let him make his own decision about ending the sleepovers; i did tell him that it doesn’t feel good to me to have another woman spend the entire night with him, even in a platonic manner, and he agreed. i felt like i was being the cool girl and letting our relationship progress organically, allowing him to make his decision based on his feelings for me, not telling him what to do. BUT I STILL FEEL so anxious about having dinner tonight. i feel like she has a competition with me for his friendship/affection? and i feel like i am going to end up in the bad guy role as he starts to back away from her….. until he asked me out they used to get together once or twice a week. it feels like this is the only complication we have. we had a big discussion about how he is no longer responsible for her……. he agreed that it is a kinda weird dynamic to still be so involved in your ex’s life, and he said honestly he hopes she will just find a boyfriend. i know he is moving on, but i don’t know is SHE is. any advice on how i handle this, other than taking a xanax tonight???

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 12:59pm

  677. 677: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    37, his ex is his business, not yours. Stop over-thinking the situation.

    Your job is just to relax and enjoy every moment you spend with him. Act normal, courteous, friendly and unbothered. He’ll notice how poised and easy-going you are.

    He decides who he wants to be with and so far he’s been showing you you’re the one he wants to be with. Let him deal with the rest. Trust him.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:08pm

  678. 678: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    679: Rori Raye:
    “…ask Brenda or Daria or Tinque to email me the post where it starts…that way I can get it faster…wow…

    So sorry Rori, I apologize once more. I could plainly see the typo and I was well aware the bracket did not close. I did the simple correction to the attribute but it was not effective with your styles.

    I indicated this in my post when I opened source and found it. I stated the post line and indicated the exact break in code for italics. I did not add the bold font.

    I’m prone to typos but since there is no preview here, I’ll be extra careful in the future.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:08pm

  679. 679: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    thirtyseven,
    I’m really happy that everything is going well for you !
    Leaning back ….powerful !

    Now, so you trust him, you’re not jealous but you have anxiety…because you’re not sure that she moved on…as long as ur guy has moved on don’t worry about her ! But i agree that while they can still be friends there is a limit…ex or not ! you have to be careful not to show HER that this is bothering u, she can use that to cause problems between you guys if she wants him back like innocently sayin to him that u don’t like her, you don’t want him to have friends, he should be careful balbablabal caus eu know i’m ur friend and i want what’s best for u bblalalala
    If i were you i’d go to the dinner and discretly watch her actions toward ur guy and his reaction…if you still feel like you want to talk to him about him say something like i felt a little uncomfortable tonite…the touchy touchy didn’t feel good to me and leave at that.
    Than he’ll talk to her about that without you havin to ask him too do it !

    Hope that helped !
    hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:23pm

  680. 680: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    you girls are right. 100%. this is what i needed to hear before i jump in the shower. thank you. i just feel so nervous. i feel like i want to throw up just thinking about being nice to her.

    it doesnt help that he told me that she essentially sabotaged a 2 month relationship he had right after they split. she suddenly decided she wanted to start having sex with him again, after never wanting to while they were together. so he cheated on his new girlfriend with her. but still didnt get back together with her….. it confuses me. i don’t want to be in a room with someone who might dangle sex in front of him as a means of control. i also feel disrespected. when i asked him what should make me feel better about knowing this history…… he said that he didn’t have the connection with that girl that he has with me. and i believe him. but i still wish i didn’t have to deal with the situation at all. thanks again, you are right…… it is all his issue. i will just show up and be my usual charming self and mostly try to mingle with others.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:43pm

  681. 681: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Gee, I was so upset with the code break here, I leaned forward to correct someone else’s code. Yuck on me.

    Super yuck on me.

    Icky, icky yuck yuck.

    I’m feeling bad, coughing, sneezing and going through a whole box of tissues.

    On the other hand, what the Hell what can he really do? I’ll soon be a diva. Maybe I am one right now.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:45pm

  682. 682: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thirtyseven – I would actually feel Awful if another woman was feeding my man a sandwich in front of me, plus add that they used to date. That would feel horrible, and in the past I would have stuffed it and pretended I didn’t feel that way.

    Pretend nothing! Is key to what we’re doing here.

    I would go, and if Anything felt bad, I would let my man know I feel uncomfortable, and then even Leave – yes as dramatic as it sounds – if it didn’t start feeling better.

    That will clarify my boundaries and make it clear to myself that I Tolerate Nothing that feels bad. Only feel good stuff allowed by me.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:45pm

  683. 683: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Senior lady vibe – hug! I feel bad seeing you feel bad about the code. I think it was a fun learning experience for me.

    And did You fix the code right now? That is awesome. Will you please tell me how you did it? Thank u.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  684. 684: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    ThirtySeven — I agree with Pepe (again, lol — I must like your advice, Pepe:)). I think you should go and be gracious and as long as she doesn’t start doing something obnoxious, I’d be a lady in public but tell him afterwards if something felt yucky. Now if she sits in his lap or something overt like that, you certainly could do the walk away, but I think Pepe’s right about her still having the power to screw things up a little…it sounds like he’s definitely moved on in a romantic sense, but he obviously still values her friendship or they wouldn’t still be in touch so the last thing you want is for her to play the, “Your new gf doesn’t like me, wahwahwah card”. That puts you in a tricky position and I’d try to avoid it if you can. I also think she’s less likely to pull a stunt like feeding him food with such a small, intimate gathering, but I suppose it’s possible.

    The main thing is that he has chosen you and has a connection with you that he didn’t with her, so try not to let her manipulations (and that’s what they are — she knows exactly what she’s doing) make you act in a way you’d regret. But again, if there are uncomfortable moments during the evening — moments where something small but still slightly inappropriate is going on — I don’t think I’d make a scene in front of his friends, but I would be honest about it later.

    You’re going to be awesome — have a great time!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:56pm

  685. 685: thirtysevenNo Gravatar says:

    daria – you get it. “boundaries” has been a word we have been using a lot the past week. we even joke that if we are out somewhere and she pulls the whole ~ scooching her stool over to touch his ~ that i should come in with my arms to distance them and say, HEY! BOUNDARIES!!

    i don’t want to dislike her, but she needs to show me more respect as his new girlfriend if i’m ever going to like her……

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 1:57pm

  686. 686: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    thxs for the back up again ! lol

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:10pm

  687. 687: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ladies all SO MUCH for your kind thoughts and posts, now I do feel heard :) 600, 608, 611, 161, 619, 623, 657…..sorry if I missed anybody.

    Obviously yesterday was a really bad day for my family but life goes on….

    And Jeanette 616 my “story” was mainly for you, you see M and S loved each other very much, they were truly an in love couple and sure they may have had their not so good moments, I mean M as great as he was drank too much beer and smoked too many cigs, but he was not a mean drunk or anything just a truly nice man. And I know for a fact that sometimes my sister resented the fact that she ended up being the breadwinner…….however…

    What I was trying to say is that as much as there may have been negatives in their relationship, she KNEW how it felt to be REALLY loved and treated like a queen. And yesterday I analysed their relationship from the RR point of view, and yes she did sit back in the boat and let him row the oars, and yes she did CD herself and I remember thinking she was a bit selfish for not over functioning like I would have done, how funny!!

    I think where you fit into your birth family plays a part in the way you act, I was the eldest one helping with the kids, be responsible, you should know better, we are trusting you to look after the others, etc. All that boy DOING. And she was the youngest, the baby, no responsibilities, expecting it all and getting it……all little girly and just BEING….

    Sorry if I am rambling/riffing whatever………this could be a load of old codswallop but like Denise said it is like you are getting all this stuff out of your cluttered head…..

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:17pm

  688. 688: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Thirtyseven,

    One last thing it’s important that you talk about her to ur guy only if you have too, and when you do be careful to say that you didn’t like how she ACTED like this or that not that you didn’t like HER.
    And if you have to walk away don’t just get up and leave otherwise they will think your overeactin you have to sat that this or that makes you feel incomfortable that it feels best for you to leave…than walk away…boundaries !

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  689. 689: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I fixed it (yeah…I’m geeky…)- I sent you a personal email – the code (the closing brackets) were wrong, so they didn’t work for anyone…please, please no code….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  690. 690: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – You’re not being ignored by me. I was avoiding the discussion about abortion because it upsets me just as it upset you. But since you’re putting it out their bravely, I feel compelled to support you.
    The words someone used here sound like pro-life propaganda to me, filled with partial truths and outright untruths, spin used to make those women seeking abortion as an alternative feel really, really bad and worse.
    There’s so much more I want to say but will refrain.
    Huge hugs to you Daria for your courage and big, big heart.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:47pm

  691. 691: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    thiryseven – I feel outrage that this man who claims what he does about you allows this sort of behavior in your presence, or out of it for that matter.
    If anything untoward occurs at this dinner, you must express how awful this makes you feel, and you don’t want to feel this way.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:49pm

  692. 692: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – so sorry you have to go through this, and Brenda…how can I help you get out your feelings, or at least live with your feelings without trying to CONVINCE Daria of anything? Daria – this is a painful situation for you no matter what, and I know you’ve done the research and considered all options and I love you and am behind you 100% no matter what you do…and I also respect Brenda getting so profoundly triggered. I also know we all suffer the pain of judgment – and it’s just part of living your life when you say and do things that hugely trigger others. Believing in yourself is always the salve.

    Brenda – you’re great at these Feeling Messages. How about “I’m feeling so profoundly, deeply and terribly triggered to the point of pain in my body around this issue. I feel so sorry for this situation. I feel like throwing up, and I want to judge, and I feel so bad because I know I must speak only for myself. I’m going to pour love all over myself and compassion, too, and let it slop over onto anyone else who wants it. Even though I’m triggered, I feel God inside me and I feel love. I feel like an instrument of love, and I’m just learning how to play me. I feel helpless and miserable because I feel helpless to change what I want to change. I’m praying on all this, praying on peace for myself. I’m going to give this up to God.” That’s what I would like myself to say if I’d been triggered as you have. And see – I didn’t mention a name, never said “you”….didn’t judge…and yet, I vented.

    Brenda, if you need more help on working through this, Erika might be able to help you, I know you like her work, or I can try (I get so hopping mad and horribly triggered around animal rights issues – I go to pieces sometimes, and so I know some of how you feel). But I don’t like to bring God into the mix. And I don’t like to speak as if I know something – when I truly don’t. I truly cannot know how God works. To me, we are all God, and so I have no way to know how God is moving through another person – and so I am constantly working through what I see happening out in the world and what I feel inside. This is our challenge here, and I honor Daria as much as I do myself and you. …and I KNOW you don’t want to be labeled a “Bible thumper” – or someone taking things literally, or trying to hit others over the head with your feelings…that won’t work for you in many instances, and it’s horribly triggering for others who are not even IN the situation you’re pounding on – though I totally support you 100% if you want to be an activist out there. Just please not here, because that’s not what we’re doing here. I’m here to help you get into your feelings and express them – NOT to try to change the world. Make any sense? Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:50pm

  693. 693: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz – I apologize for my tardiness in expressing my deep condolences to you. Have been away.
    Big hugs and love to you.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:51pm

  694. 694: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria

    “Tolerate Nothing that feels bad. Only feel good stuff allowed by me.”

    I’m going to start a swipe file of Rori blog wisdom snippets. This is one.

    That other thing was, I swear supernatural. No, I am not kidding, you will probably understand this. Error only visible to me, guy said it was OK, and apparently OK for another person who looked. Very odd!.

    Gee, wished I hadn’t leaned forward because now looks like I made it up…I didn’t! I could only view because I checked the embedded video code and stripped it out of viewer. It did not play in my browser the way it was.

    What I saw was: a few words and a big blank square. It was like a message from my guardian angel. My, my, my. I think the message is “I should stay away just like I’ve been doing…there’s nothing there…”

    I know there is nothing there. I wish I was not sick with a cold today and had gone on my scheduled “me CD date” then I would not have been around to lean forward.

    Oh, well. Tomorrow is another day. And Evan, Rori, or somebody else says it doesn’t matter what a guy thinks. So I’ll go with that and your snippet of wisdom above.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:51pm

  695. 695: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe – Please there’s no need to feel badly. No one else does, not Rori, not anyone else. You were playing, and it went awry. So what. It’s fixed. No harm done.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:52pm

  696. 696: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    To all – OMG – I’ve misunderstood – forgive me Daria and Knocksoftly – it’s SO hard to follow in this back-door way. My message of love and trust extends to all, love to you knocksoftly, whatever you do – if I’ve still got it wrong, pleae someone set me straight, and Brenda, hope my message was helpful, Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 2:56pm

  697. 697: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I leaned forward it after I read these Rori words in a post this afternoon:

    “There’s a big difference between open, warm “diva” and cold, good woman. Love, Rori”

    These weren’t words to me but I tried them on for size and thought I should do what I would normally do for anyone. So I leaned forward and fell on my head. Maybe I was making excuses about the leaning being totally neutral.

    Perhaps for a while I must put aside the warm diva role, until I have attained diva status, and stick with leaning back for everyone. Gee, it’s hard…I’m naturally an over-functioner.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:03pm

  698. 698: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady – hey – no problem! fixed, totally okay! Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  699. 699: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    697: Daria says:
    “And did You fix the code right now?”

    No, not on Rori blog. I suppose that had to be done in the source since neither you or I could fix by inputting on the interface. I’m glad she fixed it; I feel all lighter, airier and better now.

    I was talking about code that guy had used…and I leaned forward….Oh, no! I wish now I hadn’t but that’s usually the case, isn’t it? So I regard this as reinforcement of lessons I’ve been learning lately.

    Never too old to learn is one of my mottoes… :lol:

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  700. 700: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – i feel so much love for you!

    yes, the warmness is for when a man leans forward to US. then we are warm and open to him

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:14pm

  701. 701: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @714: Daria says:
    “SLV – i feel so much love for you!
    yes, the warmness is for when a man leans forward to US. then we are warm and open to him”

    Thanks Daria…I needed that! Lovin’ it. :D

    The warm diva as you describe, yes, that seems right, makes more sense than what I was thinking.

    I am regarding this as practice, guy is still on horse and should be grateful I even wrote a word or I think it was five or six words. I am regarding everything as practice…so in that light….the teeny tiny lean forward was not so bad and falling on my head was only a teensy head bump. I’ll dust myself off and give my head a pat or two.

    I will make note of this practice session and then I’ll be better prepared for when it really counts.

    Thanking you all for your support. I can feel support vibes.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:32pm

  702. 702: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay! yes, practice is good. Rori says- even when i understand something in my head – to experiment around it so i can Get it, see how it feels, on a feeling level.

    It’s part of the process

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:36pm

  703. 703: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @709: tinque:
    “…You were playing, and it went awry. So what. It’s fixed. No harm done. xxoo”

    Hi tinque,

    No, I wasn’t playing around. I was putting a quote in italics as I had done in other posts and as posters have been doing. Unfortunately, a slip of the fingers, Murphy’s Law, was in the worse possible place. I didn’t see it and correct it before I submitted. So…there was a problem and it could not be corrected through the interface.

    In the future I’ll use only quotation marks…italics make quotes nicer though…

    Thanks for the xoxoxo…my little grandchildren always send me notes like that. Love it. :D

    xoxoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:42pm

  704. 704: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Katerina – I wish I was sitting in SeaTac waiting for my guy! That is where I met him a few months ago and we had a wonderfulllll weekend. Keep us posted!

    MeeMee – I have a question. While you were doing the two things from your list, did you have trouble not thinking of him anyway? When I’m really missing my man, I do fill my days with things I love BUT he is still there so heavy on my mind that sometimes I can’t even enjoy the things I’m doing. How did this work for you? I would love to learn from you or other sirens on how to stop the thoughts … I do all of the right things, but he is always with me – EVEN when I’m CDing!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:42pm

  705. 705: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    Just remember that everytime you think about saying or doing something because you want to get a reaction out of a man or to get close to a man that’s leaning forward. Also everytime you feel like you have to explain yourself.

    Hope that helped !
    Sending intense support vibe to you
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:47pm

  706. 706: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “No, I wasn’t playing around.”

    SLV – Okay a finger slip. (shrug) Still no harm done. :)
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:52pm

  707. 707: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tinque, I feel seen.

    the comment about ignoring was not meant as ignoring me, but rather as not reading triggering posts, which is what Rori suggested…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:53pm

  708. 708: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Leaning forward – also doing something nice for a man, or Giving to him, just because… when it’s not a giving back

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:54pm

  709. 709: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – I am sorry to hear of your loss.

    Daria – I feel sad to hear about your abortion and want you to feel supported.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:56pm

  710. 710: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    :) Daria.
    Well I can’t not look at triggering posts myself. It’s kind of like a car wreck. I can’t help but look.
    The whole exchange felt bad all around, heart hurting and angry making all at once.
    I too ended a pregnancy and will never regret my decision.
    There are so many fully formed beings who are ignored, discarded, mistreated, abused…
    I don’t think I need elaborate.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 3:59pm

  711. 711: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ella – I do feel supported!

    if anything im starting to feel like Joyful about it right now, cuz i feel supported by my spirit child too

    i feel shocked and a lil wowed that i feel that way,

    but I am here with a huge happy smile on my face so hey!

    THANK YOU universe angels, Goddesses and all!!!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:00pm

  712. 712: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – yes! and you know, i do feel like I WANT to empower women to HAVE children, when they may be afraid to alone, because of world’s judgement, or thinking their life will be ruined etc…

    that YOU WILL be able to make it and THRIVE, and have happiness for you and the child

    and at the same time, I want to empower them when they Don’t want to have a child also

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:03pm

  713. 713: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel,

    CDing and doing what you love won’t work if you don’t want to stop thinking about him !
    I know it’s easier said than done but it’s we who have the power to control our thoughts, don’t let yourself submerge by them !
    I’ve experienced that myself, one night i abruptely decided to go out because i was feeling low but i wasn’t enjoying myself because i couldn’t stop thinking about that jerkando !! than i felt angry at MYSELF because of that… i went to the ladies room look myself in the mirror, straight in the eyes and yelled at myself in my head : ” Snap out of it ! did you REALLY put your favorite dress on, youtubed that makeup video that you will make you look like a “star”, convinced ur girlfriends to go out with you to have some “ladies time” for nothing !!!?…and now you’re acting like all oh i miss him blabla yayada… now ur going to put urself, go back there and drop it likes hot ! ”
    And i so did ! he never again crossed my mind that night, i had so much fun with my girlfriends and even went home with a alleluiaaaaa joyess feeling because i’ve just give a hot guy my phone number !

    Hope that helped !
    Hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:14pm

  714. 714: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    yes, yes, yes…
    Daria.
    xxoo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:14pm

  715. 715: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque — Your last post reads like you’re having a Ror-gasm! lol!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:34pm

  716. 716: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I feel so horrible tonight. I feel triggered and confused.

    I haven’t written anything yet, I have been on here a while and don’t know what to say.

    I saw date guy again tonight. I was wih my friend at the pub for her birthday. He walked in for an after work drink. Saw me, said hi and then kinda freaked out and left. He didn’t even finish his drink.

    Yesterday he had called me, 3 days afer he had said he would, because he heard that another guy was taking me out. He kinda skirted around the issue and then said something like he heard abourt Friday night (the other guy) and that I should behave myself (said in a kinda half jokey way). Then changed the subject. When I asked him to elaborate he wouldn’t and then he said ‘when you know call me!’ and hung up.

    Later followed by a text saying it was good to speak to me!

    Tonight after he rushed out the pub I called him and this time I would not let him gloss over it. I asked why he has been behaving so weird and he said it was because I let that other guy kiss me weeks ago (on the night he and I met, after he left) and because I let this guy on Friday kiss me.

    His friends saw us and reported back to him.

    He said he ‘didn’t think I was like THAT!!’… Urrrgh – trigger… now I feel like a big whore.

    I am just so confused. He doesn’t step up, just always runs away, has excuses for distance but is it my fault for kissing other people?? Help me understand!

    My freinds can’t help. They don’t get CD-ing and they don’t understand RR tools. My best friend said if I was really into him I would not have kissed anyone else.

    But what can I do when he doesn’t step up and I am just trying to do CD-ing and I feel horrible!

    So I told him I really like him but that he has not claimed me so I am not sure why he is cross at me. He kinda agreed with what I was saying.

    When I said about how I felt (ie I like him and I told him I would like to be with him this evening) he basically told me to chill…. I do not get this – WTF is going on??

    I feel guilty, icky, judged, small, lost and like a slag.

    Icckkk = argh

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:37pm

  717. 717: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i feel powerful and relieved. my ex (‘dog stealer man’) is respecting my request for no contact…

    for now…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:48pm

  718. 718: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    I litteraly jumped after reading ur blog !
    He’s the one who SERIOUSLY need to chill !
    like seriously dude ! let me get this straight…he’s acting like the invisible man and forrest gump run Forrest ! RUN !! says he’ll call-doesn’t…and now he’s acting all you kiss another, didn’t thougth u were like THAT ! like what dude ? like WHAT ????
    And now we are supposing to think that this is why he was acting like a weirdo ALL this time ? like really ??
    Pleassssse…. there’s absolutely NO reason for u to feel guilty and certainly not like a whore !
    He didn’t walk to talk so you were just looking for a MAN who would …perioda.

    Keep ur head up siren !
    Love ya
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 4:52pm

  719. 719: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – this is good practice to see what is your stuff and what is his

    you are feeling insecure…

    and he is NOT stepping up

    this is when we LOWER HIS STATUS in our eyes, and RAISE OUR STATUS.

    i would let him know that I do NOT feel comfortable being judged… and don’t want a man that is not able to pursue me and court me because of other men’s attentions

    (ps i would’ve said from the beginnign this guy is acting immature/fem energy, but that is not particularly important to label him)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:08pm

  720. 720: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    And clap clap for Daria !!!! all i can say is exactamente !

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:12pm

  721. 721: lmNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    yes! …raise your value by opting out of any chasing, obsessing, whatever!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:19pm

  722. 722: lmNo Gravatar says:

    ella,

    also, my last ex did the running away thing at one point and he said later it was because ‘he felt insecure and was trying to get my attention and couldn’t handle conflict’.

    so this dude might be trying to get your attention in a pretty unsexy way. it just turned me off, big time. i don’t even answer his calls anymore. (lowered his own status to me).

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:24pm

  723. 723: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I just had a weird experience.. my fiance was here today and my kids for dinner. He is very shy and has been around them a number of times but he doesn’t talk to them. Just hi and how are you. Very bashful and won’t often look people in the eye. So they don’t know what to think of him and I think he isn’t sure about them either. It puts a strain on me because there is little interaction unless I work to get them talking. They really don’t know what to say to him because he says a few words and that is it. Today I asked him to help me carve the turkey and he said he doesn’t really know how. So I attempted it by myself. He is the guy I’ve known from childhood, and found ea other again many years later. He talks plenty to me but doesn’t talk well to others maybe unless he’s known them for a long time, like his personal family and friends. I got quiet toward him when my kids left. I was tired and sort of disappointed, by him and maybe a little with them too. So he just went home without a good kiss. I don’t know what to do next. Any thoughts?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:27pm

  724. 724: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – thank you for that crafter site!! i feel inspirrreeddd

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:29pm

  725. 725: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I also want to add, he has had liver cancer and has a bad heart too. But he has been checked out this past week with a MRI and the doctor said things were a bit better. I know he’s been through alot but so have I working 2 jobs and just trying to do my best with my kids and this relationship. He isn’t working and is collecting disability due to a heart attack he had several years back.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:30pm

  726. 726: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh, I know guys.

    Thanks so much for what you are saying.

    I just feel awful tonight. I feel so insecure and like I am taking a massive backward step.

    This weekend hasn’t been the best for me. In my feelings. Just feel shaky inside and I don’t know why! I have been eating lots of junk food this weekend and I hate how that feels.

    Just feel out of control.

    Don’t feel like I can take care of me, feel there are too many people who will judge me if I don’t conform in this small town.

    I do NOT feel like a godess right now.

    I don’t want to lose this guy and I don’t understand my attachement to him!

    Rori mentioned that if we feel guilty abour CD-ing guys will play on that – well I feel GUILTY! right now.

    I do not really like my feelings tonight. I feel at odds and low and don’t want to deal with any of this anymore. Maybe I will just cut him off. Don’t think I am big enough yet to stay warm and open right now. I am finding this too hard.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:31pm

  727. 727: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel overwhelmed and like I don’t know what to say. I do feel sorry for him but I just want to say the right thing when I email him in the morning. We send ea. other messages when I go into work.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:32pm

  728. 728: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    blah!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:35pm

  729. 729: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – you are doing GREAT!

    this is exactly what’s supposed to happen at this time… the icky feelings get stirred up and come UP where you can see them

    now it’s up to you to love them, and love on YOU

    then the Pond – YOU – will clear again and you will feel EVEN BETTER!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:37pm

  730. 730: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina ? i feel curious about you and the “blah”

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:38pm

  731. 731: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I just keep thinking about how I would have felt if it was the other way around – if I had heard that he kissed another girl on the night that we met after I left.

    I think I would feel disappointed, put off andf that he obviously didn’t think I was special after if he did that.

    Does it work differently for men?

    I feel so lost.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:39pm

  732. 732: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I called the police and have a file for harrassment against eggshell man. I just did it tonight after I answered my phone and it was him. He didnt recieve a warm welcome from me and threatened and said he still has six months to file charges whatever. so far Ive collected 5 emmails and three phone messages from him. so i feel blah, I didnt really want to do it . I feel i would be disrespecting myself if I didnt , I told him no longer want him to leave messages or talk to him PERIOD!.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:45pm

  733. 733: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria,

    I remember Rori says anything unlike love will be brought up to be healed.

    I just feel so CROSS! Don’t wanna deal with any feelings today. I want to be a man and go in a cave.

    But I like the thought that I am a pond! Have not heard about that yet… but I like it, lol. It sounds kinda funny and making me have a little smile on the inside so thanks Daria!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:45pm

  734. 734: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel vulnerable again. And I am sick of feeling like this right now.

    Let someone else be vulnerable for once. How is it helping me!! Grrrr…

    Just riffing though. I know this is a process.

    Tina – wow – stay strong. What a situation!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:49pm

  735. 735: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    I think you’re thinking too much about how he’s feeling ! i mean it’s not like he was this great dating guy that suddenly started acting weird AFTER he heard you kissed another…from what i understand that’s the way he’s been acting weird for a while ! i personally think that hearing that you kissed another guy especially from his friends just kick his ego and now he’s using that as if that is the reason he’s acting weird…and i’m pretty that will become his main excuse for now on : “yeah you know i was into her and stuff but after i heard she kissed another… i didn’t thought she was like that ! txs for telling me guys ! ”

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:50pm

  736. 736: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @722: Daria says:
    “Leaning forward – also doing something nice for a man, or Giving to him, just because… when it’s not a giving back”
    Daria:

    How does this work? I do something nice, some little thing, it’s OK if it’s giving back, but leaning forward if it’s not something I’m returning? Is “over functioning” the same thing?

    I need practice!

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:53pm

  737. 737: lmNo Gravatar says:

    tina,

    i’m sorry to hear about that.

    that feels scary to me. i always want to block calls and emails that i don’t feel good about.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 5:54pm

  738. 738: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Im I dont feel good about this at all. I feel embarressed too :( blah! bbl

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:00pm

  739. 739: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @719: Pepe says:

    “Hope that helped !
    Sending intense support vibe to you”

    Yes, I think so. Thanks. And thanking you for your support.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:01pm

  740. 740: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – yes overfunctioning is the same thing

    yes, if you INITIATE doing a little nice thing, for NO reason (consciously – really subconsciously the reason is expecting something in return), except that you’re nice, that IS leaning forward

    giving back is when you’re so filled with the love and attention he gives you, that it happens naturally

    Appreciation, always saying thank you, etc, is giving back

    etc

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:01pm

  741. 741: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe,

    Yes, that is true, except it is complicated by the fact that I kissed another on the same night I met him, after he left! That was the beginning and we had our 1 date after that (he knew about the kiss then).

    So since then it has just been impromtue meetings in the pub and the odd call and text and lots of reasons why he has been holding back. No pressure or leaning forward from me.

    I have been dealing with the whole thing quite well up until now. And I know I am overthinking, and worrying about him tonight and focus off me and I hate it.

    I just feel so exposed right now and wish I had shelter. Don’t feel strong today.

    HATE the thought of people talking about me and being labelled.

    Urghh, it feels icky. I feel disappointed, angry and let down… hmmm, these are strong feelings. I wonder what else is really being triggered here!?..

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:02pm

  742. 742: lmNo Gravatar says:

    hang in there tina!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:02pm

  743. 743: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    poor Tina – what the hell with him threatening you, really weird/scary

    actually happend to me on a smaller scale this week

    im not one for contacting the police, but if HE’s threatening to and to set u up, then i think its a good idea that you did so

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:03pm

  744. 744: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i sort of had a similar thing happen like 5 years ago with a guy i worked with. stuff got dramatic and he tried to blackmail me! i’m getting triggered. i feel nauseated and guilty and yucky.

    i am glad about that. i’d been stuffing it down for a long time.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:05pm

  745. 745: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria

    Yes, I think those “subconscious” things will get you every time… :lol:

    Also working on showing appreciation, i think I did that but guess I’ll figure out how much appreciation as time goes on…

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:06pm

  746. 746: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – re 754

    the bit about that giving back is when you feel so full up from love and atention from your guy… OMG – that helps me tonight. I don’t feel AT ALL full up with love from date guy! Not one bit… I feel drained of good eelings and anxious…

    I thINK i NEED TO WAKE UP TO THAT

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:08pm

  747. 747: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, he sounds draining.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:11pm

  748. 748: lmNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t mean that in a judgmental way, btw

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:12pm

  749. 749: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,
    My pleasure !

    Ella,
    looool so you kissed another the SAME night you met “date guy” lol…ah come on ! it’s not a big deal ! lol
    We’ve all been there…lol not really, i’m just teasing you. Relax…Breathe…
    This is not high school and he needs to chill…
    And remember that you have just met him – you guys had ONE date and apparently he KNEW about the kiss then. So what is his problem NOW ? i don’t know …and i’m pretty sure he doesn’t either.
    eu…and being labelled as what ? and why exactly ?
    he wasn’t your fiancee or somethin !
    If anyone brings that “infamous” kiss just ask them : “so what ? ” and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone !

    Hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:23pm

  750. 750: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Im not one to call reinforcment at all. I just dont want that kind of drama at all in my life. I feel really angry. I woke up this morning feel sad, I said to myself why do i feel sad? i could go on on and on about my sad feelings with eggshell mans treatment , I suppose, I just know this is what im familiar with. Im trying my best not to go there. I feel it but not for long, I feel drained and unable to move, think, or pretty much anything so its not healthy for me to stay in it blah!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:28pm

  751. 751: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @727: Pepe says:

    “CDing and doing what you love won’t work if you don’t want to stop thinking about him !
    I know it’s easier said than done but it’s we who have the power to control our thoughts, don’t let yourself submerge by them !”

    Pepe your instructions are very specific but I’ve been referring every day to a post Rori made and as I’ve been reading it, it seems different from what you are saying to do.

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    I’m find the post very helpful to me. What do you think?

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:40pm

  752. 752: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m find the post very helpful to me.

    Uh,

    I’m FINDING the post very helpful to me.

    SLV
    the typo queen :oops: again

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:43pm

  753. 753: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @738: Daria says:
    “SLV – thank you for that crafter site!! i feel inspirrreeddd”

    You’re welcome. I think you inspired me to go take a look it again. Maybe get out my knitting needles.

    Knitting and other crafts are almost like meditation sometimes. I think they will helpful to me when I want to lean back and it’s difficult; pouring myself into a drawing, knitting, sewing, craft project will be good for my resolve. And I’ll get some good stuff out of it!

    Something to do while I’m scouting those coffee shops on my list. Knitting will also fit into my bag of tricks.

    I’m sorry I threw out my stash last December. :cry:

    http://www.craftster.org/

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:54pm

  754. 754: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I feel like I am missing something here. Can anyone give me some feedback from #737,738, 741? Even if it’s something you think I don’t want to hear? I guess I just want my kids to like my fiance. Is there anyway I can get a shy man to open up more without hurting his feelings? I also need him to help me a little bit, even if it’s just holding a bag for me to hold turkey bones in when I’m carving a turkey without me having to ask….know what I mean? Long day….

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:55pm

  755. 755: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    geeee Jeannette, you may love this guy, but, really, I almost hate to say this – don’t marry a guy because you feel sorry for him. If you are feeling overwhelmed now, my goodness, what is on the horizon for you? Liver problems, heart problems, poverty line income….so who is looking after you??? What is he really contributing to your well being and your future?

    My suggestion is to take a closer look at why you want to marry him. Really think this through. The right path will show itself to you. Where the love you have for each other is so strong that you are inspired, energized and filled with joy!??? or are you looking forward to hardship and struggle??

    Just to set a context, my best friend was let out of the hospital long enough to get married. they were inspired, in love, energized, filled with wonder! He was 60 at the time, she was 45, they talked about having enough free space from chemo for him to be able to create a baby! He died 6 months later. It was an inspired love affair. And I cried for months when he died – he was the best friend I have ever had. And I am still friends with his widow. Is this your relationship?? If it is, I fully support you, but do go into this with all your financial ducks in a row!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 6:58pm

  756. 756: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe,

    Yes you are right what i’m sayin is different from what rori says (i’m not sayin what she says is wrong or not true ! lol) and her tools are very helpful and powerful at the same time. I follow all her tips too.
    But i also realise that if i really really want to stop thinking about a man or something that’s bothering me let’s say for the day, if i really concentrate my thoughts on something else… it works !
    But i also think that if you focus on a man too much, cding etc… won’t really help… for example if you go on a date and you are not determine to be open and enjoy the moment and stop yourself when you’re thinking about the other one… you will spend the either date thinking about him and only him !

    But that’s me, and it’s something that i’ve personally experienced…a lot, i realise that i can control my thoughts !!!! hope that makes sense !

    hugs
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:03pm

  757. 757: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    oh boy, Jeannette – I hadn’t read all the way back to the turkey and kids…this is so not good sweetie….you are so seriously rowing the boat. This is my view:
    See Jeannette build the boat
    see Jeannette go find oars
    see jenet pick up oars
    se jen shrink her girl
    s j disappear
    SEE JEANNETTE PICK UP THE OARS AND ROW THE BOAT
    SEE JEANNETTE ROW THE BOAT AND TOW THE EXTRA BOAT IN BEHIND
    SEE JEANNETTE COLLAPSE WITH TOTAL EXHAUSTION

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:07pm

  758. 758: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I just got a good night e-mail from him and he said how wonderful dinner was. Very sweet….but I don’t want to live a life of poverty, I want someone who wants to help me….even in small ways….if I love him that much…..Someone who also wants to get to know my children. Even just to talk a little. I know with all 5 of them together and him being shy, it’s not easy, but don’t you think he’d want to try real hard to break out and get to know the family? Yes, I do row the boat with just about everyone I think and I’m VERY VERY TIRED…How can I tell him? What do I say?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:11pm

  759. 759: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jennette, when I worked with a therapist about my PST Kids, and I asked him about bringing a new man into the picture, he gave me a sound view – the goal is mutual respect and friendship. It does become the responsibility of the man to extend his hand and take the lead – the Doc. was really clear about this. He said that kids will rarely take that step because they are naturally protective of the mom. The effort must be genuine and heartfelt.

    My mother introduced us to her boyfriends once we were in our 20′s and the one who made an effort is the one she married. And, I so completely adore him! All 4-of us do. I learned a great deal from him about what makes sense.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:14pm

  760. 760: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    J – how long has this relationship been going on?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:17pm

  761. 761: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    J – you have 5!! kids!!! my hat goes off to you…I almost had 4 – I adopted kids and had to leave twins behind – long sad story… and I am glowing with joy with my 2

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:19pm

  762. 762: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    J – I think he is depressed.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:21pm

  763. 763: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Pele and Slv – to me the advice is similar. Either gently and consistently turn your thoughts away from him, what peep suggested…

    Or if he just won’t go away, transform him into your personal cheerleader in your mind – yes make him sat, Go Girl! From the back of the horse. It will seem tricky at first, but will start working.

    I’m gonna do this now.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:21pm

  764. 764: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    You r not lost Ella! I know what you mean with feeling guilty on the CDing. It was a rough moment for me to tell my Perfect Man that I had plans without him. But I went and it was fun. I have to do this for me. What are you doing for you?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:22pm

  765. 765: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone remember how to search Rori’s blog from Google? Seems like there was a search code to use. Siena? Daria? D, I believe you used it to find an old post of yours. Thanks! Shannon

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:25pm

  766. 766: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, say the truth. It sounds like you are tired. Be authentic to yourself.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:32pm

  767. 767: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    No, SS I don’t know.

    OMG, Sirens, I just totally lost it with Mover man. Started crying uncontrollably in front of him. Our third date. Sheesh!

    I’ve never done that before.

    We were hanging out, listening to some music, and a song that reminds me of #1CD came on. He saw my face and asked me what was wrong. I started to tell him how some music makes me sad (I’m a Pisces, we’re like that). I ended up not being able to control the tears, and started sobbing.

    Lol poor guy!! He was very sweet, but obviously a uncomfortable with it. I don’t blame him!

    I feel exposed and a little psycho. Not sure I’ll hear from him again. I’ve been in this funk for about a month now. So much going on in all areas of my life, and I just dong feel strong enough to deal with it any more.

    Sigh.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:34pm

  768. 768: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, it’s true he needs to step up no matter how shy he is…I’ve been back with him 6 months. We were childhood sweethearts 40 years ago. I just need to think of some feeling messages….I just don’t like hurting anyone….I want to say this right.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:37pm

  769. 769: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Siena)))

    It’s okay. I understand you feel embarrassed and vulnerable. But if he is worthwhile he will honor you for having feelings and showing them.

    I wish I could give you a hug for being so brave to lose your man, after losing another man, and still going on and not leaning forward. It’s strength to cry, not weakness. I feel sad tho because you are hurting.

    Love,
    Brenda

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:41pm

  770. 770: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    6 months! oh, that is TOO SOON!

    ok now, here are some ideas to get you started:

    I am feeling overwhelmed and need to slow things down between us. I am feeling intensity in our relationship that is not working well for me right now. I would feel happy to create some space here so that I can grow and thrive and for you to as well. I need to look after myself, feed my soul, grow my career and still attend to my children. I would like to know what some of your thought are about your own future as a place to begin

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:46pm

  771. 771: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Brenda. That means a lot to me! xoxo

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:48pm

  772. 772: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I will ponder those ideas Lizzie. I think he needs to know more though, like how he’s not interacting with my children and that despite not feeling 100%, he could still help me more. I ask him and he lifts a couple of things then sits back down….He moves slowly, maybe due to in part not feeling his best. I am NOT asking him to perform marathons either…Ewwww, I want to feel good about him but don’t at the moment…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:53pm

  773. 773: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, Awww girl. I’m sorry you feel bad. I’ve done that before. I remember crying my eyes out on a first date with someone. I felt really surprised that he called me back. We ended up dating for several months after that.

    I can’t say or do the wrong thing to the right person.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 7:55pm

  774. 774: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Shannon. Honestly, I don’t see a future with Mover man, so I’m not really concerned about whether he leaves so much. What bugs is that #1Cd is still fresh on my heart.

    It kindof snowballed today. Theres a beautiful huge orchid that #1CD gave me in my home. I don’t have the heart to throw it away (bc of the plant, not bc he gave it to me.) mover man and I were sitting on the couch, and out of all the plants in my house (I have lots), he pointed to that one and said, “that one’s coming back.” when I asked him what he meant, he said, “that orchid. It’s dormant, but it’s coming back.”

    I read into everything, and tried to ignore that (since of course I heard it to mean #1CD is coming back.)

    Later, we’re listening to my iTunes, and I suddenly remembered that I have Rori talks on there, and I would feel mortified if all of a sudden she came on and said something like, “now to get a man to move from dating to marriage..” lol. So I got up to change the music to one of my preset mixes, and saw the song that was on was one of #1CD’s. He’s a musician.

    Then the other song came on and I just lost it. Sigh I feel sad and confused. It’s not supposed to be like this!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:06pm

  775. 775: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies – my main cd man who had flipped the script by calling me ridiculous and telling me to fuc*kin answer the phone is apologizing.

    I had finally texted him back yesterday when he called (I didn’t pick up). Saying that I felt scared and bad being talked to that way. And thank you for letting me use his game and of course he can cone get it whenever.

    He’s texted me like ur never Gina talk to me again…
    But now he apologized and says he meant no harm and doesn’t want me to be scared. Also that he can still do that for me ( I had to think about it, I think he means go down on me, which is how we originally had “ended)

    I started crying and told him,

    He’s like aww babe

    I’m feeling better now, but unsure.

    I mean, I still feel scared emotionally. I don’t wAnt to be turned against, and also I’m remembering all the sulkiness he was doing, I had to actively outgirl him all the time.

    I feel confused

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:06pm

  776. 776: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel kinda on eggshells, no I don’t want that. Leaning back more.

    He days oh sorry he felt the same (turned against) since I didn’t answer or reply

    He had only sent me one text asking if I used the game, and one call that my phone went dead on.

    I feel distant again. I am Gina lean back.

    I’m pretty sure I feel murderously angry somewhere under feelin unsure and guilty for not liking him more.

    This is not what I want, but I do feel surprised and happy that he’s contacting me being nice, and apparently now willing to go down on me.

    But I don’t feel safe. I feel well have the thought that he resents ne having all the feminine power. I feel unsafe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:12pm

  777. 777: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, hugs girl! We’re mirroring eachother these past couple of days! Yesterday I noticed we were both feeling angry. Today we’re both crying in front of men.

    Is there something going on with the moon or something?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:12pm

  778. 778: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I like crying in front of men. It pretty much seals in their attraction. Hehe.

    I also feel glad I’m no longer embarassed that I study and an very into relationship literature and seminars.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:16pm

  779. 779: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – could be, here the weather has turned rainy.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:17pm

  780. 780: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs back! You’re still doing great.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:18pm

  781. 781: lmNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: “I feel well have the thought that he resents me having all the feminine power. I feel unsafe.”

    i know the feeling! my ex started out manly and awesome but became more angry and girly and depressed as our relationship wound down. i told him i didn’t want to be the boyfriend and he told me he ‘wanted someone to take care of him’ and totally swore at me and pouted. i never felt turned on to him again. he still calls and leaves angry messages. yikes.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:21pm

  782. 782: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, that felt bad. I was trying to create a bond through a common experience, and your last post Daria, just drew a line of separation between us.

    This is my trigger, the thing I’ve been struggling with for the past few weeks… Feeling separate from everyone I love, and trying to bridge the gap I feel, and feeling rejected.

    I feel so weak and needy, where I used to be strong and solid. I feel icky posting that. I feel vulnerable and afraid no one will like me if I’m not strong and capable.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:22pm

  783. 783: lmNo Gravatar says:

    funny, daria, today i revealed my love for relationship and personal growth books to a really serious friend (i wasn’t sure how she would react) and she admitted to hooking up a guy and having to shove self-help books under the bed so he couldn’t see them. awesome.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:23pm

  784. 784: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …and I know it’s only my perception of what you wrote, as seen thru my filter.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:24pm

  785. 785: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, I feel bad. I totally assumed and didn’t ask how you were feeling. I would have felt the same way. Weird stuff like that happens to me, and I’m thinking “okay God is that you? That’s the XYZ time I’ve heard that today”. Especially when it’s something on your heart.

    Daria, Ditto the tears things. I didn’t realize that until after that first date episode I mentioned to Siena. I felt really surprised when he called me. I mean, I boo-hoo’d. On a public street no less. Ohhh… I still feel embarrassed. *blush* But he did take care of me. It definitely kicks in the protective gene. Note: this magic glue should only be used sparingly and genuinely for maximum effect. ;-)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:26pm

  786. 786: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    uhoh.. i feel triggered too… sorry you’re feeling bad Siena…

    i feel sad

    i feel tired. i feel resentful. i don’t want to give. i feel sad

    i feel lonely

    im feeling unseen

    i thought my first post about how i dont feel embarassed about Rori stuff would trigger you, but its the post that i said you’re still doing great…

    i feel confused

    well

    Daria, you’re still doing great.

    that feels good

    i feel Anggry

    i feel sad

    i love my feelings

    i feel angry at myself like i’ve been disappointing myself today

    and last nite

    i love my sadness and my loneliness

    im hungry

    and my period is due and its gonna come too, in a week

    im after my ovulation and my feelings are starting to feel sadder

    sigh

    i love my sighs

    im starting to feel better

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:29pm

  787. 787: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @772: Jeannette

    I have a sense that you do not want to marry your fiance and it does not have much to do with money.

    Did you ever receive a wedding invitation and then a week later you receive an “un-invitation” when the woman changed her mind? She waited late but not too late.

    Also, did you ever go to a wedding and after a very long musical prologue, the maid of honor steps out to announce there will be no wedding but there will be a gathering with refreshments: all of the catered food, drinks and wedding cake! They waited a little long for this one. But not too late.

    Those are two that i know about but there are probably lots more. You can always change your mind.

    Would you feel less overwhelmed if you and your guy would not get married but be very good friends and live apart and sometimes spend weekends together?

    Could you try it for a while and see what happens? Maybe take it a quarter year at a time and see how things go?

    I hope I don’t sound mean; I don’t want to be. I have a sense that you don’t love him in the way that you want to love a husband and you agreed to marry him because you don’t want to hurt his feelings.

    I would tell him that I’m not ready to marry him and I don’t know if I ever will be.

    Maybe I am wrong about your feelings.

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:30pm

  788. 788: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Is it NORMAL that after disapearing for a whole week and weekend to just casually text me ” hi babe, i’ve missed u …have you been seing other guys behind my back ? did u cheat on me ? ”

    Dude !!! you missed me ??? i didn’t feel that ALL this weekend and have i been seing other guys behind ur back ? would you feel better if i see them in front of you ?

    What the f is going on ?? i feel so angry aaaaaaaaa

    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:30pm

  789. 789: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    No Daria, it was the post about the Rori thing. My post was too slow. It’s not you, love. It’s totally me – putting my emotions out there and having them come back to me as a boomerang.

    I feel protective. I don’t want my psychotic behavior to cause a riff.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:33pm

  790. 790: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe – i would let him know my boundaries…

    wow that feels weird to hear… i actually feel a lil turned off hearing about other men… that is personal to me and i don’t feel comfortable discussing it with a man

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:33pm

  791. 791: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – ohok. yes sorry bout that. i tried to Flip but didn’t really match where you were at first…

    ps Riffs are good ! (more flipping)

    i feel a lil scared

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:34pm

  792. 792: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, What does strong and capable mean to you? What does that look like? I’m a recovering red cape wearing super hero myself. I wrote this as a possibility for my online profile…

    Those who know me would say I’m strong and sweet. Those who know me better would say I’m like the duck swimming across the pond (calm on the surface… paddling like hell underneath).

    I’ve got to go to bed now and hope you are able to process through this. I feel interested to see where this goes. Will read tomorrow. Good night. Shannon

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:35pm

  793. 793: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe, who knows! How would it feel 2 text him back how u feel without mentioning him at all?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:36pm

  794. 794: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling better! i feel encouraged and luved

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:36pm

  795. 795: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @777 Daria

    “Or if he just won’t go away, transform him into your personal cheerleader in your mind – yes make him sat, Go Girl! From the back of the horse. It will seem tricky at first, but will start working.
    I’m gonna do this now.”

    Yes, me too! Rori advises–as I read it–you can keep him in your mind without closure but you keep right on moving on. I believe in doing what works for me…maybe would not work for Pepe or others. Do what works, make it work… :D

    SLV

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:39pm

  796. 796: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh. I feel awful. I suck listening at level 2. Blech. I feel disconnected and am wanting to connect. So why interject my own stories rather than create the connection?

    Shesh. Too tired to ponder this right now.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:43pm

  797. 797: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, that is just a start of what will likely be many conversations. I am worried for you though…I question if this is the man for you? or is he a messanger? Does he have a message for you?

    Be very clear on your expectations…

    My family and my children are very important to me, we are a strong unit and we support each other. It is important to me that respect is shown to you in the relationship. I was wondering about how you might build a relationship with them?

    My career is important to me and I love doing massage therapy. I also know that it will soon become too demanding physically for me and I will need to think about how I will add new credentials. That means I will be planning on going back to school in the near future. Going back to school means very little income and a devotion to new learning – that is worrysome for me – how might I balance all the needs of my family, my need for new learning, and manage all the financial pressures that come with that – I am wondering how that will affect our relationship and would really like to know what you think

    how is that for a start?

    I need to go to bed – and maybe you do too???

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:43pm

  798. 798: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    SS, strong and capable looks like a woman who can date a man – and maybe even love him – and not need another relationship to help her finally heal from the rejection she feels. She can love and let go, blessing the person as he moves on with his life. She doesn’t cry uncontrollably, slobbering over a virtual stranger. She’s not triggered by almost every song on her iTunes play list. Shes someone who has a huge heart that makes room for other’s to live their lives and follow their paths – regardless of whether they are on the same path as she is.

    She can let go, not just say she does. She can surrender

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:44pm

  799. 799: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Siena,

    Thxs i’ll try that one… it’s funny how it’s so easy to give advices and SEE what the real problem is when ur not personally involved in the situation !

    And it keeps on comin ! what did u do this weekend ? did u flirt a lot ? i thought that you would at least call me ! why r u so indeferent ? i thought you were gonna show me some interest of some sort ? yadayadayada
    Wha ??? jerkando u disapeared ! litteraly disapeared !that clearly says you were avoiding me and now you’re sayin that you were expecting ME to call YOU !

    Go fly a plane ! i feel mad ! MAD !
    Pepe

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:47pm

  800. 800: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Please don’t put yourself down by calling yourself psychotic. You are a healthy woman with deep emotions and longings!

    I see strength in your feelings of weakness. I see you as a far stronger woman than you give yourself credit for. But even when you fall down and cry, you are strong. Because genuineness and deep feelings are our strength as women.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 8:55pm

  801. 801: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I feel sad hearing that crying would be a sign of weakness…

    Crying is my HUGE Rori Raye babystep and i feel BLESSED to be ABLE to cry

    and I cry now at every occasion! news on tv, text message,

    i feel STRONGER because I am crying

    and i feel healed after (tho i didn’t use to, until my emotional processing body healed by allowing myself to cry)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:00pm

  802. 802: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    oh haha when am i gonna be able to make love to you again ? i’ve missed u sooo much !

    You MUST be some sort of psycho ! you MUST.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:00pm

  803. 803: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe – how about “wow… i’m actually feeling angry and turned off… i don’t want to be treated like this”

    and then don’t respond until something he says feels slightly good

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:02pm

  804. 804: lmNo Gravatar says:

    pepe,

    a couple of month ago when i didn’t call a dude for two days (TWO DAYS!) he called me ‘inconsiderate’. i get how neediness is a turnoff to men now.

    i said ‘i feel happy to hear from you and i care about you and i’m interested in finding out what your expectations are’ in terms of phone talk and he said i was cold and indifferent. sigh.

    i felt totally insulted and turned off. and scared about what he would be like if i told him i wanted to date other guys. it felt red flaggy to me.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:02pm

  805. 805: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    AHA – Now he’s getting to the good stuff. lol.

    ohh. i feel flattered that you want me, but really i’m feeling kind of angry and turned off at this point…

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:02pm

  806. 806: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank u Bren and Daria. I feel exhausted.

    It’s not the crying so much as still having #1CD still on my heart. HE WAS A CD! I was still dating others when I dated him!!

    I don’t even know if it’s about him even. I just want to start fresh. Clean slate.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:04pm

  807. 807: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    txs guys !!!

    loool…Love that last one Daria i’m gonna text that ASAP

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:05pm

  808. 808: lmNo Gravatar says:

    this same guy yelled at me because we ‘were supposed to be getting married’ but he never asked me or had any real conversations about it. only when he was mad because i didn’t call and text him all the time. i always replied, i was always warm (unless he was making me feel bad).

    i feel angry again at him! i still feel scared and controlled. when i see him, part of me feels on guard.

    that’s no way to get a lady to open up to your contact or to marry you, buddy.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:06pm

  809. 809: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    ok… but turned off !!! what do you mean ?
    loooool

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:07pm

  810. 810: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    IM,

    jerkando jekando he is and that one too !

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:08pm

  811. 811: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I spoke with long distance man in feeling messages apparently effective enough tonight that it triggered some very nice spontaneous romantic responses from him …..not canned ones…..the best was when he said he wants to be snuggled up next to me….. “a warm, safe place to be”!

    He also apologized profusely to me for being such an a-hole (his words). I am taking all this with a grain of salt, have no expectations about anything, am just observing and receiving what he is saying and responding back in as much feeling messages as i can, based on how I actually feel, not to elicit any particular response…..

    cool, gracious, enjoying the conversation but not expecting it to go anywhere in particular, and am seeing it very much as practice.

    I could tell how when i would start to go into explaining mode, how his energy would seem to get a little distracted or distant. there was no phone sex, because I set that boundary and intend to stick to it, because phone sex triggers Crumbs!! in me

    He is a smooth operator though, and I am staying alert for his little attempts at initiating that and go into light hearted feeling messages to cut it off at the pass and keep it from progressing.

    A can just hear a friend of mine saying, “But that is too much work!”

    Not if the guy has enough redeeming qualities and feels worth it.

    When we first got together about a year ago, it was a dream come true. He did so many things for me at my house, wined and dined me, and made me feel special and beautiful, was interested in my life and my family.

    To him, our renunion was magical. I was the bright light in his life, finding me was, he said, the best thing that could have happened to him. he drama in his life that he had endured for the last two years, and even more stuff came during the year, and we live five hours distance. It all put a big strain on our beginnings.

    I don’t know what is going to happen, I’m am just staying on the horse, and he is staying on the horse. There must be a reason for me not to have walked away completely from this. I don’t believe it is to keep playing out a dysfunctional pattern, butin order to overcome and transform it.

    I’m staying open on POF and there’s a few who are interested in getting together, but only one from there who i am also interested in.

    Litst

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:12pm

  812. 812: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, i’m so happy i’m not with him anymore. i miss the sex (which was CRAZY), but i felt eeeewwww all the time.

    the problem now is that i don’t trust my radar…i’m afraid i will always go for the guys who don’t care about me or appreciate what i want. or want to treat me like a woman. but i think his idea of ‘woman’ was weird. he actually said to me that ‘i wasn’t a woman’ because i didn’t want to ‘build a home for him or make him dinner’. he never asked me to do these things. he also screamed at me once about ‘giving me children’, like he was upset we didn’t have kids. again, we never talked about it and when i did try to he would yell at me.

    i still feel gross when i think about. my chest feels tight and i can feel my eyebrows scrunch together. i feel like yelling back at him.

    crazy.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:15pm

  813. 813: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    IM

    GIVE ME CHILDREN !!!!
    psycho much !
    LOL

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:18pm

  814. 814: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Mover man just called to make sure I am ok. God I feel awful. Here I am posting about a man who dissapeared, and he is doing all the right things, but my heart’s not there.

    I scare myself.

    I feel scared that I won’t be able to love a man who is good for me.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:18pm

  815. 815: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    yeah i fear that sometimes too

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:19pm

  816. 816: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, it was sort of sad too. he really wants them and so do i but we couldn’t even communicate about it without him flipping out. it’s too bad because at the beginning he was beautiful, so masculine and loving and he really spiraled into depression. there were red flags, though. he screamed at me the first time i cried in front of him (my mum was reallly sick and i had had too much to drink) and threw a pillow across the room. i should have clued in then that there would be a lot of screaming.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:24pm

  817. 817: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, it was sort of sad too. he really wants them and so do i but we couldn’t even communicate about it without him flipping out. it’s too bad because at the beginning he was beautiful, so masculine and loving and he really spiraled into depression. there were red flags, though. he screamed at me the first time i cried in front of him (my mum was reallly sick and i had had too much to drink) and threw a pillow across the room. i should have clued in then that there would be a lot of screaming.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:24pm

  818. 818: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s what’s bothering me
    That leanback thing…sometimes it backfires…big time !!!!
    !’ve become really good at leaningback and it works !but when does leaning back starts to look like you don’t care or you’re indifferent ? i’m having trouble with keeping that balance …confused

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:27pm

  819. 819: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori looks great in her video she sent through email :)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:28pm

  820. 820: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I am frightened that somehow i will never feel worthy of a man’s love, attention, kindness, consideration

    I am whole and complete as I am

    I am here to realize the true happiness and bliss that lives within me at all times, and is always accessible

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:30pm

  821. 821: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    You fell in love. That is supposed to be a beautiful thing. I feel sad hearing a wonderful Siren beat herself up over falling in love. Over missing a man. That feels like beating the babysitter because the baby cried.

    I know we are encouraged to focus on being treated right by a good man, not to focus on one man. But it is not wrong or bad to fall in love with a man then miss him.

    I am not telling you not to feel. You are just fine getting your feelings of frustration out. It just feels sad to see you being so hard on yourself.

    I just feel so much love in my heart tonight for everyone.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:30pm

  822. 822: lmNo Gravatar says:

    pepe,

    if you are open and love being around them, happy when they come to you and they’re grown up guys they will loove it.

    the guy i dated after this guy never reacted this way because i felt safe with him and could be warm and happy and open.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:34pm

  823. 823: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Pepe, what are some scenarios in which you perceive that leaning back is backfiring?

    What makes you think you have trouble keeping the balance?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:38pm

  824. 824: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Deep breath. You’re right Bren. Your words are like a salve on my heart. I’ve always denied (even to myself) that I fell in love with #1CD, because in my head I had a rule that I shouldn’t fall in love with a CD… But I did fall in love with him.

    Now I need to sleep, I need rest. Thank you love!

    Sweet dreams, sirens.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:38pm

  825. 825: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    I am warm and open when he comes to me but when a guy calls you every morning around 6-7AM just to hear your voice and say good morning, and doesn’t one day because he had a busy morning and while talking in the afternoon goes like : tell me somethin… i didn’t cal u this morning bcause…but if i didn’t call you this afternoon i wouldn’t have hear from you ?
    and i could feel my brain frooze ! like o crap what do i say ? what do i say ?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:44pm

  826. 826: KacyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies, I have a question which I’m sure Rori has comvered, but I can’t find it. If a man has pulled back a little (hasn’t called you in a week after about a month of dating) I obviously know not to lean forward and call him. What I want to know is when he does finally call, should I let him leave a message rather than pick up right away. Is there a rule of thumb about returning a call from a man if he doesn’t leave you a message ASKING you to give him a call back. Is it best to just let him call again and pick up then? Or if he calls w/o leaving a message specifically asking you to call him should you give it some time (depending on what you’re doing) and call him back a few hours later or a day late for example. I’ts not that I want to play games, but if he isn’t showing respect for me by pulling away w/o explanation isn’t it okay to protect and respect myself by not appearing too eager when he decides to call after a week or more? Please give me your thoughts.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:46pm

  827. 827: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Obviously the leaningback worked but…i just wasn’t expecting that ! like yeah i’ll do the work alright cause i’m the guy but i shouldn’t feel like i’m not THE ONLY one workin here…this a relationship, we both should work at it !

    What the hell am i supposing to respond to that ?

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 9:50pm

  828. 828: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Well, how do you feel about it, Pepe?

    Do you feel like you agree that the man should lead and initiate and that when you are interested in him and the relationship, you will follow his lead and show trust, respect and appreciation when he gives?

    Maybe you can talk to him in terms that he can understand, of the masculine and feminine roles, to let him know what kind of behaviors to look for that show that you are interested and not indifferent.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:00pm

  829. 829: lmNo Gravatar says:

    hm, pepe…that sounds kind of insecure and aggressive.

    a good thing about leaning back is that we get to see this stuff early and we know how he feels about us, how he deals with the give and take. he seems to be insecure.

    my guy didn’t get weird about me leaning back until we’d been together for 18 months and he started to become really moody. i know now it was substance-related, but at the time i was caught off-guard.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:02pm

  830. 830: lmNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoftly,

    how are you feeling today?

    yeah, he just had very little empathy. i had never encountered that before. it was creepy. but when he was good he was very good.

    i was watching rori’s ‘toxic men’ today and totally see the whole thing much more clearly now.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:04pm

  831. 831: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    Life is too short, (true that !) and IM,

    He totally got the masculine under control but he says that sometimes he would feel nice that if for one day i don’t hear from him because he’s busy etc… that i at least send him a little text

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:06pm

  832. 832: PepeNo Gravatar says:

    i’m bouncing sirens… i feel sleepy…good night everyone

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:13pm

  833. 833: lmNo Gravatar says:

    well that’s a direction (masculine) and if you feel good about it, text away! :-)

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:14pm

  834. 834: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i am practicing right now with not calling a man back who called and didnt leave a message.

    i feel really invested into going out, and i want this man to “save” me, but when i have done that before, i felt not so great about Him

    and i notice i ask him for stuff a lot and treat him differently than other men like a friend

    and i dont want to do that

    so im not calling him back right now and being with my anxiousness about being in the house

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:27pm

  835. 835: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it helped that a different, new man, called me and left a message and then started making plans to see me right now, when he heard i want to go out…

    i told him i feel more comfortable to meet him the first time during the day,

    and he asked me for lunch tomorrow

    yay!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:28pm

  836. 836: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    nope i would still feel turned off…

    my TIME spent with you is showing you im interested

    i feel like i’m being told im not enough

    this isnt what i want from a man

    i feel weird and turned off

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:30pm

  837. 837: KacyNo Gravatar says:

    Any comments about my questions ladies?
    I feel tired. I want to go to sleep now.
    I would feel better and sleep better if I could resolve these questions before I retire.

    Anyone????????????????????????????

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:41pm

  838. 838: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly,

    I am praying for you and thinking of you! I can tell you the gist of Toxic Men…it is to either walk out when he speaks abusively, or to say, “This feels really bad. I don’t like being treated like this at all”. She told of a woman who was in an abusive marriage. Instead of yelling as she usually did, she started just leaving the house every time he got abusive. The marriage was turned around and well on its way to healing in three weeks!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:44pm

  839. 839: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Congratulations to me: 2 weeks without contacting Ryan!

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:44pm

  840. 840: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kacy,

    Rori says to be an invitation. She said early in her own marriage, her husband would come home and ignore her. He would greet their little girl, even greet the cat, and Rori was untouched and ungreeted. She used to go up to him and her daughter and join in.

    Finally one day instead of joining him in greeting their daughter, she just plopped down on the floor in her sadness. He came over to her and sat down, if I remember correctly. She smiled in welcome and said hi.

    She said if she had remained mopey and pushed him away, it wouldn’t have had the same effect at all.

    She told another story of Mia who was leaning forward. Rori coached her to just do her thing and let him come to her. He finally noticed she was missing from by his side and came to look for her. She was reading in bed. She smiled and patted the bed beside her in welcome.

    As for not calling back if he doesn’t specifically say to in his message, that is what Rori says. I myself will call back if he calls at all.

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:50pm

  841. 841: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Knocksoftly – I got an email from someone hoping you’d emailed me for support. I’ve been gone, and I don’t want to enter into this conversation, but if you want to talk or need some kind of help that I can give – find me, okay?

    (((((Hugs)))))

    Jacqueline

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:52pm

  842. 842: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kacy – in general, don’t call a man back that doesn’t leave a message specifically to call him, or text you to do so after calling (i added that for me since it seemed to happen)

    and no, to waiting to pick up when he calls. if you want to talk to him, pick up.

    waiting a specific amount of time to have some affect on what it looks like to him is definitely NOT authentic and it’s about him and his reaction, not what we want

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 10:52pm

  843. 843: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel rage and tired of emotional pain. This time what triggers me is my ex. He ussually got me used to him calling me everyday, twice a day but when he doesn’t do it, I just can’t stand it… I can’t bear it, can’t concentrate in what’s needs to be done (job, personal errands, etc) the only moment I calm down is when he calls and ‘explains’ to me why he didn’t call. wtf.. I don’t ant to be this way and I’ve told him this, exactly what I’ve explained hear and he says not to be to hard on myself, that Im going trough a lot in my life now so he understands my neediness, but I still suffer as after he didn’t calle me today after Im back from 10days holidays and we haven’t speak at all, just couple of text he didn’t called so I called and for the first time he didn’t answer and didn’t reply my call at all. He never ever does that, he gives me SO MUCH attention ALL THE TIME without me requiring it and when he suddenly desn’t I just go mad like an addict that has his dealear witholding the junk from him.

    Girls, anything would help me right now as I can’t become a mental women who will start to pine after him as I’ve never done, because he will come back and call me as nothing happened tomorrow but today I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, like is over, abandoned and it always has been this way in my relationship with him. Is not like he gets hot and cool he just ‘relaxes’ and I get sooo needy and clingy that I atuly hate myself for feeling this way, plus I want to focus in the important things in my life but these feelings distracts me so painfully.. HELP!!!

    Love,
    Symantha

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:11pm

  844. 844: jacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, girlfriend – it’s houstonrelationshipsurvey@yahoo.com. Just know you are not alone – I literally have not read on here for 4 days, and still someone reached out to me about your painful situation.
    So, there is love for you here, even when you don’t feel it or know it all the time!

    Goodnite for now,
    J

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:15pm

  845. 845: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Jacqueline!

    I feel happy to see you here! I hope you stay. I would understand if you didn’t tho. I read your article on your blog, “Mean Girls or the Dark Side of the Internet”. I felt sad reading it. You are loved, and here’s a smiley face balloon just for you!

    :-)

    Love,
    Brenda

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:19pm

  846. 846: SymanthaNo Gravatar says:

    knocksoftly,
    Thank you!!!! reading your words of compassion help me to breath deeply and hang in here. I’ll pray for divine intervention, I just want to feel emotional pain free so I can fully commit to my purpose in this life, which can’t be suffering.

    Love,
    Symantha

    Sunday, 17 October 2010 @ 11:36pm

  847. 847: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Well, girls…I do love him however there are problems….as you can tell……he’s so so quiet and shy….feel sorry for him….and yes, his health and financial problems are big….pretty much I will have to find a way to stall this and yes I will consider using some feeling messages….boy this life isn’t easy at times…..I will have to get some sleep here…..thank you for your input.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 12:11am

  848. 848: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    fuuuubar… i feel so energetic and i am craving ?attention?

    its my hormones i love you hormones

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 1:22am

  849. 849: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    I have also done that crying on a date with a new guy. Don’t worry. You are a real woman!

    I think that will help you se whether he is a real man…

    And maybe his message for you was simply to help you get in touch with those bad feelings to help them come up and be healed.

    Hugs to you.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 1:52am

  850. 850: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe,

    Re #812… grrr, I feel angry too!

    Honestly WFT – sometimes guys think they ‘own’ us!

    Not so unless you give a ring honni, and even then you will not own us!

    Think this post has triggered my ‘stuff’ too.

    Stay strong Pepe – your words helped me last night!

    Hugs.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 2:20am

  851. 851: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Pepe – re#813 – Arghh – Urgh… so like my date guy! It feels so annoying.

    I am guessing this is what a feminine energy guy feels like? Expecting to have his feelings taken care of and be chased…

    Ick, ick ick…

    Let me know how it works out.

    If Mr date guy has not contacted me by the end of today I am going to send a text saying I am no longer comfortable with the situation and I don’t want to keep speaking about why he hasn’t called me whenever I see him in the pub!

    I have just realised I feel SO angry right now!

    Grrrrrr.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 2:35am

  852. 852: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – i would just let it be not send him a text

    then he can initiate or not, but theres no need to initiate on my part, even if its to tell him eff off.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 2:38am

  853. 853: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited! 3 new men from online want to see me tomorrow

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 2:38am

  854. 854: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am a blog hog. Hog goddess!

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 2:58am

  855. 855: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Urghhh, I feel so angry,.

    Hurt, disgusted, disappointed.

    I HATE people talking abpout me!! WTF, rah rah rah.

    He does not own me.

    Who are they to get involved in my business and judge me… label me…

    Grrr, I want to be strong.

    F*ck – it I will be strong!

    I will not be defeated by this.

    What do I care. But I do, Little me cares, feels scared. SHY, doesn’t like it when people don’t think I am great… boo hoo.

    I need to find my strengh again.

    Feel strong, strong.

    I love my feelings, even my little, less heard ones, my ug

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 3:05am

  856. 856: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    M ugly ones. My neediness.

    I want to feel love,. place me first again,

    Love love love. Me

    I feel tired too. Need to focus on work now for a bit and not on these silly boys!

    Grr, grrr grouchy me. I am tired., Need rest and break from this.

    i love my feelings, I love me.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 3:10am

  857. 857: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Yeah, I know what you mean, however I have been doing it that way for the past month and all that happens is he keeps approaching me in the pub and talking all about why he hasn’t called me.

    I don’t want that anymore.

    I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to feel weird when he and I are in the pub at the same time.

    I just want to be done with it now.

    Monday, 18 October 2010 @ 3:16am

  858. 858: Ella</