Here’s a letter from Nancy who’s convinced she can make a relationship “happen” – and is going about it in a way that’s defeating her:
“Rori, He contacted me to make plans for Friday before I had to ask him about it, but I’m wondering what to do as a next step. We had a fantastic, lovely evening out on Friday – dinner, a party, dancing, then a walk.
So then we were kissing (which was all we were going to do given the way things are right now between us), and he said we shouldn’t be kissing as we have a friendship not relationship at the moment! That while he’s in his divorce transition, he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship etc.
I reminded him of all the times recently when he has told me about his feelings for me. And he said yes, but his feelings come and go at the moment. So I said I felt we were in a relationship, just not committed yet, and we could continue to enjoy it and see how it develops.
Then the next day he didn’t contact me. Not even to find out how I am. I texted him in the evening and he didn’t respond.
So now I’m feeling hurt, confused, unsure what to do next. None of the other guys I’ve dated comes remotely close, and I really want this to work. But it feels painful and confusing.
Would really appreciate your feedback.
Nancy – you’re going to hate my answer. Please don’t read it if you’re not in a tough love mood.
He said you were friends. ONLY. For now, perhaps – but for now JUST FRIENDS. He doesn’t even want to endanger that “friend zone” by kissing you.
***And you’re choosing not to believe him.***
You’re trying to talk him into the feeling you think he has. He said they “come and go.” Which means he does NOT have abiding, consistent feelings for you “at the moment.”
***And now you’re feeling hurt.***
This is YOUR mind. He has done nothing wrong, been totally straight with you, and you’re turning your own feelings into something that is not, at the moment existing.
If you believe that throwing yourself at a man who wants to be only your friend right now (no matter how romantic YOU think it is), and trying to convince him to feel something and want he doesn’t (there’s a song about that by Bonnie Raitt), is going to get you closer to him, I’m DEFINITELY not the coach for you.
For me, throwing yourself at a man and trying to convince him you’re willing to “have fun with him” and be “just friends” when you’re CLEARLY NOT, and telling him you’re in a relationship with him when he has actually said, in exact words, that you are NOT in a relationship (no matter what YOU think) makes you “cheap,” easy, unfortunate, unattractive, needy, desperate, and radiating low self-worth.
***Hardly what a man is looking for in a women.***
Is this you?
I think not.
What would you say to a client who insisted on doing this?
Yes, the play “Passion” and the movie it’s based on is about how throwing yourself utterly at a man binds him to you – and yet, in that movie and play – the woman is powerful in every way. She basically, literally holds this man’s life in her hands politically, financially, every way.
Some women out there have that option today, to “force” a man to be with them because of their celebrity or money…but you and I don’t. We have to rely on attraction, on the fact that the relationship is “right” and “meant to be” – and most importantly, that the MAN WANTS IT.
The very first step in making a man want to fall for you is not selling yourself to him cheap – and that’s what you’re doing. Every time you even THINK of him – you’re doing it, and damaging whatever future you could ever have with this man (and it’s going to take long time, until his divorce is final, and then he needs to go sow some wild oats for awhile, and then he might revisit women he’s known, including you.
Again – is that what you want?
The important thing, here, as I see it, is the example this sets for YOU. If you continue to approach men in this way, to have this attitude that somehow you can “make it happen” in this way, you essentially block yourself from men who WANT to make it happen!
If this man is right for you, he’ll show up one day. HE’LL make that decision. And he’s made a completely different decision, as I see it.
It’s up to you if you want to break off contact with him, or Circular Date him along with other men. But if you’re hung up on him and can’t really give the world of other men a chance, then I think your choice is clear.
I think you’re way, way too amazing to want this low level of love – where it’s all coming from you.
I think you’re way, way too smart to believe that somehow this man is LYING to you about his feelings.
I’m not saying he’s not attracted to you.
I’m not saying he doesn’t have “feelings for you.”
Have you ever been really physically attracted to a man you didn’t have deep emotional feelings for? Who you loved, perhaps, as a friend, and had a great time with, and could have sex with if you wanted? Is it possible that’s what’s going on with this man now, and you’re making up the rest?
And let’s say it’s just his current circumstance. That because of his divorce situation he can’t think straight, he doesn’t want to be committed to anything else right now (this makes good, common sense)?
Do you believe that “hanging in there” is going to make a difference for the better? It can’t.
I never, ever, would encourage any woman to “keep up a friendship” with a man she’s in love with.
That’s a recipe for a world of hurt.