Have The Relationship You Want

808 Comments to “Chasing a Man Never Works”

1. 1: Femininewoman says:

   Chasing

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 6:54am

2. 2: Femininewoman says:

   You do NOT want to be exclusive with a man until he asks you to marry him.

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 6:55am

3. 3: Goldenflower says:

   omg, this is the new thread. How very apt for my current situation.
   chasing never works. yes this is true.
   how easily i dont notice chasing behaviour and justify it as caring how he is. Reaching out.
   I remember picking him up from work taking him on a daytrip in a car I had hired, showing him round my favourite place, even buying him an icecream (as he had no money). Then taking him home that night and dropping him off. Chasing and rowing the damn boat myself.

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:05am

4. 4: Goldenflower says:

   So – stop chasing him in any way (if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:06am

5. 5: Calypso says:

   Not chasing is the hardest things for me to control. I’ve been told I’m an Alpha Female . . . Lol. I used to think that was a good thing! Ugh . . . beign the girl is sooooooo hard for me. I want to chase something and drag it home too – Lol!!!

   I still have not been able to meet Farmer CD in person due to the hot weather keeping him busy on his farm, but we have plans for Thursday night to meet for dinner and he just emailed me to say that if it stay cloudy today, he would feel comfortable getting away for a couple of hours to meet me for dinner tonight! We are both very anxious to see if we click as well in person as we do online.

   I sure hope we do. My heart is open and ready for a fresh start. I have not felt this ready to move on without GM since I met him. It no longer feels like I’m looking for a distraction from the pain of losing him – it feels like I am ready for my Mr Right. What if he is a chicken farmer? lol . . .

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:28am

6. 6: Tam says:

   yes, the ‘thinking about him’ being chasing is the thing that sticks out for me. Ouch. So how does one stop that? Ok, by being busy busy busy
   which I am….with me, work, dates etc.
   Cool.
   Hope it works..

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:28am

7. 7: Esteemed says:

   I am wondering how to handle the texting aspect of my relationship with R. He says he texts because we now live an hour from each other (we lived three miles apart during the ten months we dated in 2009). Does an hour apart justify texting?

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:29am

8. 8: April Rose says:

   I have to police myself on this!
   Chasing him is something so easily done.
   Thinking about him is not so easily undone.

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:31am

9. 9: Goldenflower says:

   505: Tam says:
   Maybe that stuff you said just had to come out, you were true to yourself, alcohol induced or not.
   It is nothing to be ashamed of.
   The right man will thing no less of you, the wrong man doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. You matter.

   Thankyou Tam, I feel very touched you are posting this. Yes it is hard stuff, when we feel rejected, but then I can switch into another side of my brain that says no I AM worth the giving man, the full open hearted, ready to be married man.

   I like this idea “the wrong man doesnt matter” . the more i chase the man down his own narrow alleyways, off his narrow incomplete bridge,and i find dead ends all the way. I feel myself becoming less than my full glorious self, i must give that care and attention to my self . The only person i am responsible for is myself. I will give all of this energy to me. The energy I feel coming towards me will be from others and I will receive with an open heart.

   Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:08am

10. 10: Tam says:

    8…hehe…mind you, I have no problem with the not chasing…in fact I make it as a challenge for myself actually, so it’s great. I don’t do that at all anymore and just hope not leaning too far back now…

    But the thinking, well that is another matter altogether…

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:09am

11. 11: Emoticon says:

    Good Morning Sirens

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:11am

12. 12: Goldenflower says:

    Just found this, femininewoman you mentioned the inner stranger. I see what you mean.
    Rori says: “In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

    Putting a positive spin on the outburst last night to fedex (his new name) I was chanelling my drama queen. Looking back at my message to him, it could have gone a lot worse, I was honest about how I felt and authentic in my words. I forgive myself for losing my temper and for becoming a wounded person lashing out. I forgive myself, thankyou. I love myself.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:40am

13. 13: Tam says:

    12 Goldenflower, when you did NC with him as he wanted to be just friends, did you tell him you didn’t want that or just went NC?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:44am

14. 14: Starla says:

    Esteemed, 7, I text with all my friends. Even the ones who live 3 miles away.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:45am

15. 15: Goldenflower says:

    In an earlier thread there was discussion on why men come back for another try. I have had two casual guys from last year, who I wasnt into at all, both of them coming back into contact in the past couple of weeks. It feels like they can sense I amvulnerable. Both of them would only undermine my self esteem. I cant go back there. Does anyone feel this happens when they are at a low, or should i take it as a good thing that I am still in their minds. I guess if its true men want a higher status female than them, then thes two fit the bill. I just hate the thought that I am attracting the wrong sort of men atm.
    Focus on self, focus on self love. xx

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:46am

16. 16: Goldenflower says:

    13: Tam says:
    12 Goldenflower, when you did NC with him as he wanted to be just friends, did you tell him you didn’t want that or just went NC?

    We met in person and I told him I didnt want to be just friends. I told him it wasnt enough and that I cdnt be friends with someone I had feelings for and after we had shared so much. But I said it was Ok to keep in touch but wdnt meet him as friends. After a week or so of that, with a long cpl of messages I then changed this to NC as any contact hurt too much. He would suddenly get worried about me and text when I was actaully fine, then he’d say I wanted to call but didnt think it was “best” for you. That damn word, it came off as insulting and hurtful so I had to say NC. I cdnt take the fact his feelings for me cd shift and cut off so easily and fast after he was so affectionate, kind, making plans, intimate etc.
    So yes, he knew i wanted NC because freinds was not acceptable to me.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:52am

17. 17: Starla says:

    Linda 490 other thread
    Oooh I didn’t mean you were putting yourself in an unsafe spot. I mean that it’s okay to lean forward here, in the “name of” safety.

    Sorry if I made you feel bad, Linda!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:56am

18. 18: Emoticon says:

    http://www.opoderdamentemp3.com/files/audio/supermindmusic/MillionBlessings.mp3

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:56am

19. 19: Lena says:

    Please help…

    He was avoiding me. I called and asked what is all this. He told me that he thinks its better we are not together, he made up his mind and wont change it back. That he wants to see someone else and doesnt want to hurt me. I asked him to give it a time… I broke down and was asking to reconsider. I couldnt believe that the person who waited for me for so long to love me breaks my heart like this. In the conversation he seemed pretty happy and than he said he wants to meet to talk to me. I asked what for – to repeat me the same? He asks – lets talk, that we were together for too long to break up over the phone, etc. I said I wont be able to stand it if he will say it to me in my face. He still insits to talk tom. I dont get it. What is he doing? I asked if he just wants to talk it out with the possibility to change it, he sais his mind is made up and at this point its what he wants to do. But lets talk in person. What is this? WHat should I do?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:58am

20. 20: Emoticon says:

    Re: #18 listening to that now and loving it

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:00am

21. 21: Lena says:

    Should I go see him or just stop everything and go away?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:02am

22. 22: Starla says:

    (((((((lena)))))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:19am

23. 23: Femininewoman says:

    Lena only you can decide. If it would feel bad/humilitating ask yourself why am I there?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:19am

24. 24: Femininewoman says:

    Also remember Lena, you called so you were chasing him.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:21am

25. 25: Emoticon says:

    awwww ((((((Lena)))))))

    

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:26am

26. 26: lilybelly says:

    Goldenflower makes a point above about the right/wrong.
    I wanted to expound on that just a bit.

    I totally agree..the right man WILL take all that you say, all that we we try to say, even if it comes out not at all as we intended and will sit right there with you and help you figure it out. He will not run away, he will not consider your feelings as drama, he will not only not think less of you, he will think MORE of you….if he is the right man. He will accept your vulnerabilities and he will go out of his way to help you feel comfortable.

    I have witnessed this so many times lately and each time, I have felt so amazed at the easiness of it all (it isn’t easy to be so vulnerable and open but it is worth it), the increased closeness and connection..and so amazed at what this man is willing to do to help me feel secure and safe and loved.

    I feel so blessed.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:27am

27. 27: LiliBee says:

    Lena,

    Seeing him could be a good learning experience, by being open, receiving what he has to say and accepting what he says.
    You can share how you feel sad, but trying to control the outcome by trying to convince and asking him for anything would dent your self confidence.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:28am

28. 28: Femininewoman says:

    Lilybelly I read what you said about the right man and I have questions in my mind. Reason being I am very close friends with a man who is married and he responds to me the same way. Just yesterday he was raising his voice and I blurted out “you are raising your voice and I don’t want to be yelled at” before I realized what I had done. He adjusted a bit and told me he was feeling frustrated because he had kind of gotten dragged into helping out with a situation that I was involved with. I know he was angry but not too long later on he was offering me food. My point is that this is something good men do. Even if he is not your Mr. Right expecting good treatment from every man might help us to be more so we can recognize Mr. Rigjht when he shows up. I have work colleagues who now show sensitivity and understanding when I express my feelings, always trying to make sure I am alright.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:38am

29. 29: LiliBee says:

    26:

    That encourageing to read Lilybelly

    I’ve been struggling with that for the last couple of weeks.

    I feel more peaceful today.
    I just leaned back and went with the flow.
    That lead me to experience exactly what I needed to be open to absorbing more learning to bring me to where I want to be…which also brings me to be ready to have the courage to open up and be vulnerable.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:39am

30. 30: Starla says:

    Last night was rough for me. I had nightmares all night. About zombies. WTF. And about being ridiculously late to work and missing trains. And a less scary dream about Jessica Alba bleaching my hair blond. And Sheridyn Fisher (a fitness model idol for me) leading my kickboxing class. And 2 exes ago was in the dream, too, admiring me and how much I’ve changed. But it all still felt so stressful. I must have gotten 4 hours of sleep total.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:44am

31. 31: Tam says:

    Goldenflower, strangely I noticed something opposite: men come back as I am doing fine without them…when I have low self-esteem and could do with men, they tend to disappear…sometimes I wonder if they can smell it..
    Well, once MrU returned as he knew I needed cheering up, but it’s definitely not the rule. And I never had the feeling they ‘prey’ on our low self esteem, no.

    Hm

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:46am

32. 32: Emoticon says:

    ((((((((Starla))))))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:53am

33. 33: Smile says:

    “Even thinking about him is chasing him” I get this but how can I work the visualisation tools if I’m not thinking about him? Hmm… Can anyone advise me on my missing link please?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:04am

34. 34: Emoticon says:

    Smile, I guess its the difference between deliberate visualization tools and just thinking and longing for him.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:06am

35. 35: Femininewoman says:

    Talking about being vulnerable today I go my an annual invitation from a cd who has been around since 2009. I responded “It feels good to be invited, thank you. But I have feelings for you way above and beyond friendship. Plus it would feel weird going as a customer. What do you think?”

    I was shaking when typing the text response but after it feels honest, vulnerable and authentic. One year I just responded thanks, another time I just did not show up because the last time I did I clearly remember feeling his energy pulling away/cringing when I tried to talk to him. He was busy the whole night, did not even spend 10 mins with me. I brought up his not calling when I tried to talk to him.

    I have not received a response yet but it is like I don’t care. It just feels like I honored myself.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:11am

36. 36: Smile says:

    Ah thank you emoticon. I couldn’t quite put it together in my mind. I knew I could do one but not the other and needed the difference pointing out clearly lol.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:11am

37. 37: Femininewoman says:

    Smile you might wish to read Rori’s post a few weeks back about getting your unconscious to work for you.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:12am

38. 38: Starla says:

    Thank you, Emoticon:)

    I feel blessed that I did have someone to text in the middle of the night when I got scared. I do always have someone to call or text. Feeling blessed:)

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:16am

39. 39: Femininewoman says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/feminine-energy/page/2/

    This is a technique that is especially powerful with hypnosis, but you can also do it on your own. The key is to relax deeply so you can access your deeper mind.
    Here’s how Virginia says it would work, for example, with the memory of a heartbreak:
    1. Sit or lie down with your eyes closed for about 20 minutes, then take yourself back to the memory and replay it — make it a vivid movie in your mind.
    2. Go through it from the very beginning and change the action, the dialogue, the feelings – see and experience yourself handling the situation in a way that makes you feel good now.
    What will happen is that by taking back the control you felt you lost, you’ll no longer identify yourself with being a victim.
    You’ll feel freer – with much more confidence and a new ability to make decisions from a place of greater personal power.
    I love this Tool – it gives going back and thinking about these old things an actual purpose (just make sure to not revisit it over and over, use my other Tools to walk yourself through the Tunnel, to Channel, and to stop the Train of Obsession if you feel like you’re on it)…and I love Virginia.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:20am

40. 40: Femininewoman says:

    I was NOT doing my feminine practices, not feeling my feelings, not telling the truth with kindness and honesty… I was pushing him away and being a bitch, CONVINCED it was him.
    Then, bless him, he suggested we go for a vigorous hike to get the juices flowing, energy moving. I could feel the anger in me welling up, all prickly from the inside out, wanting to SCREAM!
    We got back to my place and began to talk. I could feel under the anger was a huge welling up of tears and I took a breath and decided to show him my fears. I told him to please only say ‘Thank you’ to everything I said, just hear me please.
    Then I sobbed and sobbed about how scared I was to let a man support me, hold me, care for me, protect me, be there for me, let me rest and finally truly completely exhale. I shared that I was so terrified to open and risk being let down, risk being taken advantage of, risk being used or abandoned.
    All this sorrow from my childhood came up and I could see that all my exhaustion has come from keeping it together and doing it all myself. This wasn’t just with men, this was with God. I was even afraid that God would ultimately forget about me.
    What was beautiful was that he just GOT me. He followed my request to just say thank you.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/feminine-energy/i-thought-it-was-him-but-it-was-me/#more-1313

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:20am

41. 41: Smile says:

    Thanks femininewoman, I’m getting better at tools this but it has taken a while for me to get use to doing it. Now I don’t feel so uncomfortable. I will keep practising.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:27am

42. 42: Hopeful says:

    Well, it finally happened. After months of focussing on me, finding things to make me happy, and focussing on healing myself, I found the strength to define what I would not longer put up with: angry, blaming conversations. I had been listening to them thinking that it was good for my husband to get his anger out. But after the last time he got mad at me, and spewed all this anger at me, and blamed me for everything, and gave me a list of things that I needed to do differently, I finally decided I had enough of the angry, blaming conversations.

    He has been under a huge amount of stress at work, and has been extra crabby, complainy and critical. I know it is the stress, and the effects of drinking that make him be extra crabby. But it has taken it’s toll on me.
    Then he made a snippy comment to me in front of friends. It felt like a “stiffle yourself Edith” comment to me. So I had to leave the room because the tears were starting to flow.

    This made him feel embarrassed, or like he said, an a$$hole, when I left the room. He stormed out of the bar, and wouldn’t talk to me because I made him look like an a$$hole. No concern for my feelings, just his.

    I tried to talk to him about it twice that night, but he would not discuss it. In fact, when I said that there are two sides to every story, he said Well, I will hear your side of the story – NEVER.

    Okay, so my feelings don’t count anymore? And once again I get an angry blaming conversation? Maybe I am done.

    All week I contemplated moving out. I decided that I was not ready for that step, but did make an appt with a marriage counselor so I could get clear on where I am at and figure out some techniques or decide what my next steps are.

    On Sunday, I decided to avoid him, cause I can’t put up with the angry toxic vibe any more. So when he asked if we could talk about it, I said not until we can talk about it without it turning into an angry emotional conversation. Then I told him I was going to run an errand and go have some fun (aka – out the window). And I took the convertible, and went for a convertible ride with a friend. Then when she had to go home, I picked up another friend and went for another ride. Did not get home till after 7.

    He worked around the yard all day bought some thing for the yard that he knew would I would like. I told him how nice it was and thanked him for it. I was sweet and genuine. Then I took a shower and did my own thing.

    Monday I had plans with friends. They suggested I get a marriage counselor. That is when I decided to to that. I called the next day and made an appt (could not get in till this thursday though). The hubby did not remember that I had told him I had plans, so he thought I ditched him that night. I feel bad about that, but I did tell him once. I guess maybe it was good that he stewed and wondered if I ditched him, though that was not my intent.

    Tuesday – I came home after work and we ate dinner together. I was a bit chatty but I am sure he could see that I had been crying. Later, he asked again in an angry voice if we could talk. Again, nope, not if it is going to be an angry emotional conversation. Then I did my own thing for the rest of the evening.

    Wednesday – He is sitting outside drinking (he has been all week in the evening. Actually, since his work got really stressful, he drinks every day in the evening, except one night. I decided to sit with him while he drank because I know he is angry and hurting and stressed from work and this thing between us. I tried to send him a vibe of love (but did not express it) and sat next to him and a bit chatty and kind. He was hurt and angry and I could feel his vibe. I kinda felt sorry for him.

    Thursday – I was out for the evening. When I got home, (late) and got into bed, again in an angry tone, he asked if we could talk about what happened that night at the bar. My response, not until we can talk about it without be angry and emotional. Perhaps this weekend. His response, well, by this weekend, I will have forgotten about it.

    I woke up at about 2 am and could not fall back asleep. I thought about moving out and who I would move in with, and if it would kill the marriage. I did decide that I was not going on vacation with him. We are supposed to leave this saturday.

    Oddly, he could tell I could not sleep and he asked me if I wanted to snuggle for a while. It was such a sweet gesture, and I really needed a snuggle, so I took him up on his offer. I guess he does still love me.

    Friday – Plans with a friend who just got her coin for being sober for 9 months. She gave me lots of good insights into what it is like to be an alcoholic. Was out till late and had fun. When I got home, I was chatty and sweet as usual, and told him I had fun.

    Saturday – Did my own thing all day. Then I took some stuff out to the trash in the afternoon and walked past him while he was drinking his first beer.

    He asked if we could talk. I said only if it is not going to be an angry conversation. He said I wouldn’t have asked again if I did not know the ground rules.

    So, I’m not sure if what I said was quite a Rori speach, but I talked him about what I observed, and how it affected me.

    First I told him that I had always loved him, etc. I tried to tell him how things looked from my perspective. How he was stressed out at work, and that makes him more crabby, and cited examples from the past where he knew he was crabby. I talked about how the complaining and criticism and anger had been taking a toll on my and it has been building up, and when we are alone I can take it, but in front of other people it is too much. I told him that I have had enough of the criticism, and anger. I told him I did not want to go on vacation because I did not want to fight. I told him I hold way too much inside and that is why I want to go to a marriage counselor because I don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He said that as long as we are talking now, I might as well get it out.

    So then I started talking about the drinking and that the more you drink alcohol, and the longer you drink, it changes your personality just like smoking pot does. The side affects are there even when you are not drinking. Drinking turns you into an angry person. And I gave an example of the friend who just got the 9 month AA pin, who is a really meek soft spoken person. When she was drinking, she never got angry around other people, but she said she sure yelled and raged at her kids a lot. And then afterwards she took another drink because she felt bad.

    I worked in love into the conversation many times. And I told him that I felt like I had been doing so much work to try to improve the marriage, and did everything he had asked me to do to change, but I felt like I was all alone in the battle to save the marriage.

    Then when the conversation was done, I got up and said I just can’t take the anger and criticism anymore, and that something has got to change.

    Poor guy sat out on the porch and drank the rest of the afternoon and evening. (The conversation was at around 5:00). More in the next post.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:30am

43. 43: Smile says:

    For a while now as I have been falling asleep I have been imagining him lying behind me holding me. I can feel the warmth of his skin and I feel loved and secure.

    Then a few days ago it happened, he was really there. I was questioning if I should let him stay over but I thought in my head this is what I’ve been visualising and he’s finally here for real. He wants to see me in the week now too.

    I’m thinking of a speech to say so that I can tell him that I would like to go out on dates and not just stay in. This way he won’t stay over too much. I have already given him the no sex speech and rebuilding intimacy.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:33am

44. 44: Hopeful says:

    Then Sunday am, he went to the grocery store as he usually does. When he came home, he said he had a carmel pecan roll with my name on it. (Sweet.)

    Then when I sat with him on the porch to eat it, he said he decided that he drank his last beer last night. He didn’t want to turn into and angry drunk like his friend from HS and he didn’t want to get a divorce.

    He said he won’t go to marriage counseling with me, but he wants me to go on vaca with him. He will cancel the vaca if I choose not to join him. He agreed to go to meetings. He hates AA, but said he will try Smart Recovery, which is an alternative. And he agreed that he had not been doing his share in trying to improve the marriage.

    (That friend of his from HS, who he has been friends with since age 10 hit rock bottom last year, and is struggling to get out of it – wife left him for another woman, his kid quit HS, he lost his job, lost his house, got 2 DWI’s including an assaulting an officer job, and his siblings don’t trust him, they think he is an angry drunk and think he will never change.)

    I think that the fear of turning into an angry rock bottom divorced drunk is what got to him.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:34am

45. 45: Hopeful says:

    So, I got my miracle. Really, this is a miracle. He said he was going to quit drinking. I have been dreaming of this for so very long. And he will stick to it.

    Though he did say that if I didn’t like him after another year or two, then, well…. (I guess that means we are done). But I think if we can both proceed with an intent to do things differently, we can come though this better than ever.

    I thanked him and told him how happy and relived I felt multiple times yesterday.

    Now the challenge is to get him going to the meetings, and keep him going. Otherwise he will be a dry drunk. And I need to be a loving supportive wife, and continue to have my own life too (find my own happiness and not focus on him and his problem. it is his.)

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:38am

46. 46: Smile says:

    I love spending time with you. It feels great when we do things away from the house too. It feels like more quality time together where we can talk and get to know each other again. It would be exciting to go on a date with you. What do you think?

    Any tweaks sirens…?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:40am

47. 47: Femininewoman says:

    Hopeful, WOW

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:41am

48. 48: Femininewoman says:

    “It feels great when we do things away from the house too.” seems like directing to me. Maybe I would include “I miss ………………………..” maybe dressing up and going on proper dates or whatever you like to do with him.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:44am

49. 49: Hopeful says:

    So now I have this possible opportunity to make a deal with him: I will agree to go on vacation with him (we leave saturday) if he agrees to make some sort of commitment to go to a meeting. It is so hard to go to those meetings, but I really want him to go.

    I don’t want to come across as controlling, but I want him to agree to go to a meeting the week we come back from vacation, then then agree to at least one meeting a week. Can I ask that? Is it too much?

    I also want to make sure he does not become a hermit. He does not like to go to social events when he is not drinking because he feels out of place when he can’t drink.

    I want to ask about him making a deal with me about committing to going to a meeting a week, starting the week after we come back from vacation.

    Is that too much to ask?

    Any feedback from anyone with experience with this would be appreciated.

    And yes, I will start attending beginner Al Anon meetings too.

    Thanks for reading all this. I really cannot believe I got my miracle. I think it was all about me focusing on me and getting stronger, strong enough to say enough is enough. And strong enough to speak my truth. At last.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:45am

50. 50: Femininewoman says:

    Hopeful it sounds like trading. I am not sure it will work long term.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:47am

51. 51: Hopeful says:

    Feminewoman – What would you suggest. That I just trust him? Or just ask if he has a plan for when he will start going to meetings?

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:48am

52. 52: Smile says:

    I like that tweak thanks femininewoman!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:49am

53. 53: lk says:

    hopeful…. wow… ((((((hopeful))))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:50am

54. 54: Femininewoman says:

    Maybe ask him if he is willing to make any commitments to you about it. Also tell him that you know he is a good man and that you trust him to do what he knows is best for him. Don’t expect him to trap himself in a cage that you will be constantly checking on. I believe that would be too much work for your heart to handle.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:57am

55. 55: lk says:

    hopeful, i don’t think you will have to pressure him to go to meetings…. you’ve inspired him to offer to stop drinking ! how amazing…. what a gift he is offering to you… i think you can just gush to him again…. wow… i really feel safe & excited to be with you because i feel so happy around you when you are happy & clear-minded without alcohol…. or you can say, wow i feel so glad that you will be my date to that party…. that’s not controlling him; that’s just affirming to him that you do love him & you love him because of who he is

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:57am

56. 56: lk says:

    & if for some unpleasant reason some days, months, or years down the road, he “re-lapses”, then maybe you can just say… aw baby i feel sad to see your eyes go dim like that… are you ok ? …. are we ok ? …. ok, i love you…. hug, walk away, take care of yourself

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:00am

57. 57: Smile says:

    Hopeful, I’ve been doing a lot of work visualising and thinking about the law of attraction. Maybe you could imagine him doing all the things you want him to do rather than tell him what to do…

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:22am

58. 58: Smile says:

    “learn how to put words together that are respectful, non-demanding and yet truly express what it is you want, what it is you need and what it is you feel – in a way that makes his heart want to get closer to your heart.”

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:34am

59. 59: Emoticon says:

    Smile…. your last comment made me smile>>>

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:36am

60. 60: Smile says:

     it’s the essence of Roris tools

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:41am

61. 61: Smile says:

    Thank you Rori for this blog!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:43am

62. 62: Calypso says:

    I’m excited!

    It looks like farmer CD and I will finally get to meet tonight – the weather is cooperating finally!

    he emailed me earlier that it was starting to rain where he is. I said that if it rained here (We live 2 hours apart), that I was going to go outside and dance in it! He said he wanted to dance in the rain with me – for me to wait until we could do it together!!!!

    Sign me up!!!

    We talked about what we had for lunch and then he said he was thinking about taking a short nap – since it was finally raining. I said that sounded heavenly and he told me to take the rest of the day off and come nap with him . . .

    Lol – I replied that we should probably meet in person before we planned any afternoon napping together. 30 minutes later he replied that he had fallen asleep thinking of me – Awwwwww……. Nice!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:43am

63. 63: Hopeful says:

    Thanks FW – That is good advice. I need to trust him. You are right on. I like that.

    And LK – you are correct about the gushing. I did do quite bit of thanking and telling him how happy I felt yesterday. I also told him I was proud of him, but he did not like that comment. I think the gushing has to be a slow build up, but I totally agree with you that I need to focus on that. Just saying how happy I feel is a good thing.

    And Smile – I have been visualizing for months. But I had been visualizing nightly for about the last month or so. And it worked. So, I agree, now I visualize him going to meetings and it having a positive affect on our marriage, and visualize fun events. And if he won’t go with me, I will go out and have fun myself. I do need to take care of myself too.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 12:02pm

64. 64: Hopeful says:

    The reason I am being so focused on him going to the meetings is because he did quit drinking for one year a few years ago. And stuck to his commitment, so I am not worried about that. But he was miserable and crabby all year, and was a hermit. That is why I want him to go to meetings. He needs some support, some plan to help him now that he will not have the beer to numb his pain. That is why I am so focused on the meetings. I fear that he will not be successful unless he comes up with some “treatment” plan.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 12:06pm

65. 65: Smile says:

    Should I have let him stay over thoughts getting in my head!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

66. 66: Femininewoman says:

    The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

    “It doesn’t interest me
    what you do for a living.
    I want to know
    what you ache for
    and if you dare to dream
    of meeting your heart’s longing.

    It doesn’t interest me
    how old you are.
    I want to know
    if you will risk
    looking like a fool
    for love
    for your dream
    for the adventure of being alive.

    It doesn’t interest me

    what planets are
    squaring your moon…

    I want to know
    if you have touched
    the centre of your own sorrow
    if you have been opened
    by life’s betrayals
    or have become shrivelled and closed
    from fear of further pain.

    I want to know
    if you can sit with pain
    mine or your own
    without moving to hide it
    or fade it
    or fix it.

    I want to know
    if you can be with joy
    mine or your own
    if you can dance with wildness
    and let the ecstasy fill you
    to the tips of your fingers and toes
    without cautioning us
    to be careful
    to be realistic
    to remember the limitations
    of being human.

    It doesn’t interest me
    if the story you are telling me
    is true.

    I want to know if you can
    disappoint another
    to be true to yourself.
    If you can bear
    the accusation of betrayal
    and not betray your own soul.
    If you can be faithless
    and therefore trustworthy.

    I want to know if you can see Beauty
    even when it is not pretty
    every day.

    And if you can source your own life
    from its presence.

    I want to know
    if you can live with failure
    yours and mine
    and still stand at the edge of the lake
    and shout to the silver of the full moon,
    “Yes.”

    It doesn’t interest me
    to know where you live
    or how much money you have.

    I want to know if you can get up
    after the night of grief and despair
    weary and bruised to the bone
    and do what needs to be done
    to feed the children.

    It doesn’t interest me
    who you know
    or how you came to be here.

    I want to know if you will stand
    in the centre of the fire
    with me
    and not shrink back.

    It doesn’t interest me
    where or what or with whom
    you have studied.

    I want to know
    what sustains you
    from the inside
    when all else falls away.

    I want to know
    if you can be alone
    with yourself
    and if you truly like
    the company you keep
    in the empty moments.”

    By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
    from the book The Invitation

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

67. 67: Starla says:

    that is a beautiful poem

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

68. 68: Brandylion says:

    FW, #65: This blog seriously needs a “Like” button. That poem would make an excellent dating profile…

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:15pm

69. 69: Femininewoman says:

    Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

    “You’ve perhaps (I hope) already stopped
    initiating conversations and sex and affection.
    And still, your man may only step up very
    little of the time.
    So – here’s a Tool to increase your POWER in
    this situation – and that’s to: BE A POND.
    Okay, so what does that look like – to be a
    pond?
    Well, a pond is a gatherer. Water comes in and
    stays in the pond, like it’s a cup.
    A pond is also deep. It has a bottom that’s
    earth, and sometimes the earth gets stirred up and
    the pond gets cloudy and dark, and sometimes it’s
    still and everything solid falls to the bottom and
    the pond is clear.
    A pond is a RESERVOIR. It HOLDS things.
    And, it nurtures ITSELF.
    A pond feeds the greenery all around it, and
    the fish and frogs and one-celled creatures that
    live in it. A pond supports life.
    And if you go to a pond, you can drink, you can
    find something to eat, you can relax, you can lay
    down and be yourself.
    A pond doesn’t jump up when you call or fix
    dinner when you ask it to.
    A pond doesn’t start sex, but once you wade in,
    a pond responds with everything from gentle swirls
    to powerful waves.
    A pond can be small, or a pond can be big – it
    can be a LAKE, actually.
    So how does that look on the couch when you’re
    watching TV?
    That looks like you leaning way back and away
    from him and putting your feet up on his lap.
    That looks like you taking off your shirt and
    just sitting there topless.
    That looks like you having your own snack and
    not even offering to take care of him.
    That looks like you laughing your head off at
    what you’re watching on TV and not even THINKING
    about HIM or whether or not he’s going to touch
    you.
    That looks like, if he’s standoffish, saying
    (during the commercial or when the show’s over) “I
    feel a bit disconnected…is there anything I
    should know?”
    Or…”This feels a bit weird and lonely to me.”
    Or…”I feel untouched. It doesn’t feel good.”
    Or…”I don’t enjoy being invited into the
    bedroom to join you and you’re already lying
    down…it just feels too passive to me. I liked
    it when you grabbed my hair and kissed me
    passionately that time in the parking lot…I miss
    that…”
    Ponds talk. They speak their feelings. AND a
    pond does not jump out of the earth.
    And…remember this…if a pond does not get
    watered, by the clouds, or by a stream or river
    that flows into it – it will dry up.
    Do you feel dried up?
    That’s an awful feeling.
    A pond might say “I feel like I’m drying up…”
    So – it’s not enough to just ACT like a pond
    and not Overfunction. You have to FEEL like a
    pond.
    You have to not even let your brain get to
    worrying about what he’s doing – because that
    would be like the pond worrying about how the
    river is flowing – and ponds don’t worry.
    Ponds are way too busy supporting all the pond
    creatures that live inside it – like YOU attend to
    your body, and your heart, and your hair, and your
    nails and your feet, and your sensuality and your
    orgasms, and what’s really important to you out in
    the world, and everything that’s related to your
    PLEASURE.
    If he can learn to act like a River – he will.
    He’ll all of a sudden start flowing to you -
    because that’s what men are programmed to do.
    Men we meet and know may have LEARNED to be
    ponds – but inside their DNA, inside the cells of
    their bodies, is a HUGE, overpowering desire to be
    a River and to flow to the woman who can RECEIVE
    everything he wants to GIVE.
    And, if he can’t – if he’s damaged or broken,
    or just cannot learn anything new – then you’ll
    know.
    And the most amazing thing is – by then – you
    won’t CARE.
    By the time you’ve settled into the
    gloriousness of being a pond in a romantic
    relationship – if he isn’t acting like a River,
    you’re going to be bored.
    Yes, – you’ll be bored with him. You’ll
    be done.
    No pain, no heartache – just “ick..I seem to
    have lost it for him…”
    Try Being a pond. Try imagining yourself not
    only ACTING like a pond, and leaning back and
    cutting back on all that you’ve been doing in the
    relationship – and try imagining yourself FEELING
    like a pond.
    Soft, in the ground, open, warm, inviting,
    liquid, constantly changeable and growing – a
    beautiful combination of dark earth and clear
    water – a fertile place for love.
    And when you sit across from him at dinner, or
    next to him on the couch in front of the TV – FEEL
    like a pond.”

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:17pm

70. 70: Linda says:

    Goldenflower: from the last thread you wrote several things that I feel that are in my heart and head and they came out your fingers and typed the words.

    I feel sad and afraid of my sadness. I feel upset with me for taking what this man gave me. I feel upset about stuffing things, I rationalized them as picking my battles which has validity but I stuffed too much for my mental and emotional health. THere were soooo many things I hated, and could barely deal with about him and his behavior. I did the out the window thing so much. I got so good at it that I would riff that way and before I knew it I was not angry at him. THe bad thing was it was a coping mechanism and not a tool to make it better.

    Goldenflower,…. you dont want a depressed man. I thought helping, listening, (that is my nature)… would make it better. Doing my own thing did not affect him either. He just was existing and not engaged in life with me. A depressed man is like a milstone …. it sucks all the life and vitality and confidence out of you. I DONT WANT a man like this anymore. it sucks! This depressed man was NOT a giver. He was a TAKER. When he was able to rally the energy it was still all about him. It was NEVER about me. He was never enthusiasic about ME or US. He acted like I was just a thing he was with until he could do better for himself. I did not feel important or valued because I wasnt. Everything he did and didn’t do proved it.

    I had an awesome initial connection with this man… he was charming, handsome, funny, … It felt good at first… then the negative, distant, harsh, selfcentered, unavailable man showed up and never left. No amount of support or giving or understanding helped. It did not create love.

    He was given an opportunity to feast at a banqueting table and all he could do is complain it as not the “kind of food he wanted” (me)

    So this man has given you a gift! Truely given you a wonderful gift by withdrawing.

    Linda

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

71. 71: Lena says:

    We were talking till 1 am. He called me back, than I was calling him and so back and forth. I initiated the whole thing though.

    He was after me for many month and he was through a lot with me. I wasnt healed well and I was pushing him back all the time, breaking up with him. For 5 month straight. He would come to my house in the middle of the night just to talk and calm me. Once he sat outside my house, waiting for me for 8 hours, sick just to talk. I was scared to have any relationship and I was honest about it. I noticed a shift a month ago. At that time I started feeling. Actually I felt it even before but I was too scared. He tells me now that he doesnt feel the same about me, he is not interested, he made up his mind and it took him 2 weeks to come up with this decision. That it was hard to make. That he was after me for so long with no hope and he knows he doesnt feel it anymore. I told him that its ok to feel like that after he was going through with me, that he is just tired, its a phase and things will turn around. He keeps telling me that he chats with another girl for a week, that he looks around and doesnt want to cheat or hurt me. That he needs to stay focused on his work. He seems happy and ok. I tried my best. He wants to be single. Is this really a phase or I am fooling myself here? He keeps telling me that he will talk to me in person tomorrow but why if he said it all already to me? I feel shocked and like I am back to my ex – it all started and ended the same way. Why he wants to tell it to me in person I just dont get – all was said already. He said he wont change his mind.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:20pm

72. 72: T-Girl says:

    Omg, the guy that brought me to this blog just emailed me and said he should have jumped at the chance with me. It is true that they try to come back. So sorry dude. No thanks.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

73. 73: New Hopeful says:

    Rori – I took a new name so you would see this. Please take a look at my comments under the name “Hopeful”. Note that there are several. Would love to hear your feedback. I consider myself a Rori Raye success story.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:33pm

74. 74: Femininewoman says:

    Dr. Paul breaks the poem down with his own interpretations but it is 3 pages long so I can only share snippets.
    In that poem, we find a wealth of material to look at in terms of understanding men, and certainly in “reading” their behavior for seriousness about you, your relationship, and respect for you.
    First off, the name of the poem itself implies great boundaries on the part of the author. It’s only an “invitation,” which in and of itself, recognizes that all relationships are VOLUNTARY – when first attracting, when dating, when boyfriend/girlfriend, and yes, even DURING marriage. Because of boundaries, men and women who get together never completely “own” or “control” each other.
    They are perpetually not on “good behavior,” but are accountable for being themselves in a way that pleases the other person, makes them happy, hopefully makes them desirous of us, and through the process of dating and courtship itself, leads us to ONLY THE RIGHT PERSON for our lives…
    For a man to get serious about you though, he will absolutely need to sense that you “get it” as far as how important his career is to his identity, and more – that your presence in his life will actually be as much a boon to that career as his presence is to your “purpose as a woman.”
    This doesn’t have as much to do with being a “good time” or “party animal” as it does in referencing the nature of SHAME.
    Men who fear dancing in public, speaking their minds, or giving in too easily to your requests or demands, don’t just “lack a spine.” they may be carrying around shame.
    We define it as the opposite or depletion of the gender instinct – so shame in men means they lack masculinity. If they lack masculinity, they will be less desirable, and desire you less if you are not a source of this. They will also not be pleasant to be around because they will lack “passion for life.”
    Voila – boring date. So the guy who can’t dance is not jsut boring because he can’t dance. It’s also that he lacks masculinity. And it needs to be more than YOU who provide a boost of that…

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

75. 75: Starla says:

    wow, T-girl!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:36pm

76. 76: Starla says:

    my coworker was kind enough to take me to lunch today because i forgot my wallet. And he brought his roommate with him… hot guy. flirted with me hardcore. totally cocky, not my type. but it felt fun. i am very desirable:)

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

77. 77: Tam says:

    Yeah, the do…come back.
    Another one did for me too, I had not heard from him for months, we used to date about a couple of years back but there was no spark, it was a kind of fwb situation – we were super friends though…had a lot of fun on dates etc.
    He is in a relationship and just emailed me to ask how I was doing….we exchanged a few emails, and I said I felt happy that he found love (this is such a lovely guy).
    He said: please tam, don’t be a stranger anymore, it would be nice to hear how you are doing…I want to keep in touch.

    Wow….perhaps I have taken the ‘leaning back’ to a bit of an extreme..ho ho ho.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

78. 78: T-Girl says:

    Starla, that was over 1.5 years ago but I admit I feel flattered.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:55pm

79. 79: Smile says:

    I am a pond

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:55pm

80. 80: Smile says:

    I have finally found comfort in living alone.

    But living alone doesn’t mean I am alone.

    I love my own company

    (((me)))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

81. 81: Smile says:

    I felt and acknowledge a bit of fear that crept my way and then I took a shower and moved on.

    I am going to read before I sleep now because I enjoy it, not because it stops me from thinking and I can pretend to have a different life.

    Oh the progress she has made. Thanks sirens.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:06pm

82. 82: Linda says:

    #68 O my !!!

    I can hardly see thru my tears.

    This has touched me deeply…..

    I was a pond in this last relationship. I am a pond…I am almost dried up… but deep in the bottom of me is a small natural spring covered with rocks and painful sharp sticks…

    He never became the river. He did not flow into me. He was depressed and damaged and did not want to learn anything new.. he just wanted to come and drink and lay around but never gave to the pond… only took from me. I resent him, coming to the pond asking of it but never giving and flowing into it.

    I did not know that a pond spoke. I should have said the things that the pond said. I felt that way. Now I will never be a quite pond again.

    By reading these words I feel like I have been struck with lighting and it has reached the bottom of the pond and moved all the stones and sticks rocks and sticks that has been hindering the tiny spring in the bottom. I will never be completely dry not while my heart is still beating.

    _______

    I am so drawn to water. I am a pond! This is the very thing I needed to read. I feel calm and undistressed. Thank you sooo much for posting this Feminewoman. I dont believe in horoscopes but there is something to signs. I am a Pisces. Water speaks and rejuvinates me. Every man that I have been drawn to or had any connection with has been a scorpio. Another water sign….

    I feel understanding inside me… I truely have had a changing revelation after reading this.

    (((( feminewoman))))

    Linda

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:07pm

83. 83: lk says:

    ((((((((new hopeful)))))))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

84. 84: Starla says:

    T-girl, what happened with him? I feel so curious.

    And you should feel flattered. You’re an amazing goddess:). Of course he came back.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:15pm

85. 85: Smile says:

    I’m finally starting to get how to ‘just feel’ and it feels warm and inviting, adventurous and secure.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

86. 86: T-Girl says:

    Starla, this was pre-Rori so I was totally operating in masculine energy and chasing. But, the man I am with now is 1 million times better.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

87. 87: Rori Raye says:

    OMG Femininewoman – Thank you for this – it’s awe-inspiring…Love, Rori

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

88. 88: Starla says:

    I would like to manifest a picnic with a nice gentleman this summer. He brings the food and the beverages and the blanket and takes care of it all. Mmmmm yes, that would feel LOVELY. I love love love picnics.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

89. 89: Starla says:

    yay t-girl, so glad to hear:)

    Did the pre-rori guy dump you? and now he’s come crawling back?

    did you answer the guy?

    i’m full of questions:)

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:37pm

90. 90: T-Girl says:

    Yes he just kind of poofed but he had a bit of drama himself. I did answer him and told him I was in a great relationship for over a year now and wished him well.

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

91. 91: LoveAlways says:

    When I feel myself chasing CD Song I let my boy energy get me to a date with another man. I have no other solution except doing stuff for myself, but that does not help when I’m having a really strong urge to hear from him or see him. I get into the feeling and don’t let it overwhelm me, but I STILL WANT TO LEAN FORWARD AND GET THAT MAN . . . so the only answer to hang out with a different man. Works most of the time. I feel needy & ashamed admitted that ((((((LoveAlways)))))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:46pm

92. 92: lk says:

    i feel kind of angry & abandoned. i love my huffy, overly-sensitive feelings. i feel a little resentful & greedy. i love my resentment & my greed. i feel hurt, i feel things have been unfair, i feel certain that other people are not as kind as they should be… i love my illusions of pain…. i feel slice-y & fractured. the back side of my right brain hurts. my knee is weirdly over-stimulated. my elbows ache. i love my knobbly little body. i feel afraid of the woman judging me in her mind, “stupid, vacuous, insignificant, babbling, self-absorbed, selfish, mean, spoiled, delusional, wimpy, good-for-nothing, difficult, unpleasant” i feel afraid of the men just thinking, “txts. xss from the back. pump. pump. pump. cxm in her face.” i love my fearful stories & i love my fear. my tummy feels gurgly, like i swallowed a balloon. i love my bloated tum. my elbows really really hurt. i love my hurt & i love my judgement of my pain as wimpiness. i love myself & i don’t mind at all what you do, little girl. this is your one life. just do what you feel, please… & please do it with Love only… i feel really excited by how loving i can be toward the parts of me that seem slimy or dangerous….. i love my swamp-monster self : )

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

93. 93: Brandylion says:

    http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/30/if-love-hurts/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+positivelypositive%2Fpositive+%28Positively+Positive%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

    This part particularly struck me:

    Philosopher William James wrote about how he viewed the world as having two kinds of people: Once-Born and Twice-Born. James described Once-Born people as never wandering too far from the safety of who they thought they were. When a crisis arrived, pushing them to enter into dark places where they might find hidden parts of themselves, they never bothered to flip those self-illumination switches. They chose instead to remain sitting in the dark.

    In contrast, Twice-Born people use a shake up in their outer world as an opportunity to wake up their inner world—seeking a more profound view on life and their purpose and potential in it. Twice-Born people view crisis as an initiation by fire into a more conscious, more fulfilling way of living.

    I am Twice-Born. PriestCD is Once-Born. All of us here are Twice-Born.

    ((((us))))

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

94. 94: lk says:

    i got scared by something i heard on the television & cd came in from the other room (not “knowing” i felt scared) just to kiss me & say, “don’t worry, baby. that’s not true.”

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 3:00pm

95. 95: Emoticon says:

    FW what a beautiful poem!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 3:15pm

96. 96: Starla says:

    it feels so uncomfortable when my friends treat me a certain way because I make more money than them. First of all, they have no idea exactly how much I make, and it’s really not a whoooole lot. I just manage my money very well, and I dedicated years and years to cleaning up my credit, so I have more opportunities to afford things they can’t. Second of all, I do have bills… and they don’t pay theirs. So, in the end, we probably have the same amount of expendable cash.

    And I don’t feel at all okay explaining this to anyone. And I shouldn’t have to defend my “prosperity” to my “friends” anyway. They should be happy for me, if anything. But I understand how it is when you feel down on your luck and jealous of others.

    Like my guy friend who texts me all the time “you should buy me X for my birthday.” Um, no, I shouldn’t, guy. YOU should find a source of income, darling. Stop being afraid to get off the couch and find your masculine energy.

    I’m just venting.

    I told my one friend today when she started talking about how much I make, “this conversation is making me feel uncomfortable.”

    She apologized immediately. Yay!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 3:47pm

97. 97: Daria says:

    “You’ve perhaps (I hope) already stopped
    initiating conversations and sex and affection.
    And still, your man may only step up very
    little of the time.
    So – here’s a Tool to increase your POWER in
    this situation – and that’s to: BE A POND.
    Okay, so what does that look like – to be a
    pond?
    Well, a pond is a gatherer. Water comes in and
    stays in the pond, like it’s a cup.
    A pond is also deep. It has a bottom that’s
    earth, and sometimes the earth gets stirred up and
    the pond gets cloudy and dark, and sometimes it’s
    still and everything solid falls to the bottom and
    the pond is clear.
    A pond is a RESERVOIR. It HOLDS things.
    And, it nurtures ITSELF.
    A pond feeds the greenery all around it, and
    the fish and frogs and one-celled creatures that
    live in it. A pond supports life.
    And if you go to a pond, you can drink, you can
    find something to eat, you can relax, you can lay
    down and be yourself.
    A pond doesn’t jump up when you call or fix
    dinner when you ask it to.
    A pond doesn’t start sex, but once you wade in,
    a pond responds with everything from gentle swirls
    to powerful waves.
    A pond can be small, or a pond can be big – it
    can be a LAKE, actually.
    So how does that look on the couch when you’re
    watching TV?
    That looks like you leaning way back and away
    from him and putting your feet up on his lap.
    That looks like you taking off your shirt and
    just sitting there topless.
    That looks like you having your own snack and
    not even offering to take care of him.
    That looks like you laughing your head off at
    what you’re watching on TV and not even THINKING
    about HIM or whether or not he’s going to touch
    you.
    That looks like, if he’s standoffish, saying
    (during the commercial or when the show’s over) “I
    feel a bit disconnected…is there anything I
    should know?”
    Or…”This feels a bit weird and lonely to me.”
    Or…”I feel untouched. It doesn’t feel good.”
    Or…”I don’t enjoy being invited into the
    bedroom to join you and you’re already lying
    down…it just feels too passive to me. I liked
    it when you grabbed my hair and kissed me
    passionately that time in the parking lot…I miss
    that…”
    Ponds talk. They speak their feelings. AND a
    pond does not jump out of the earth.
    And…remember this…if a pond does not get
    watered, by the clouds, or by a stream or river
    that flows into it – it will dry up.
    Do you feel dried up?
    That’s an awful feeling.
    A pond might say “I feel like I’m drying up…”
    So – it’s not enough to just ACT like a pond
    and not Overfunction. You have to FEEL like a
    pond.
    You have to not even let your brain get to
    worrying about what he’s doing – because that
    would be like the pond worrying about how the
    river is flowing – and ponds don’t worry.
    Ponds are way too busy supporting all the pond
    creatures that live inside it – like YOU attend to
    your body, and your heart, and your hair, and your
    nails and your feet, and your sensuality and your
    orgasms, and what’s really important to you out in
    the world, and everything that’s related to your
    PLEASURE.
    If he can learn to act like a River – he will.
    He’ll all of a sudden start flowing to you -
    because that’s what men are programmed to do.
    Men we meet and know may have LEARNED to be
    ponds – but inside their DNA, inside the cells of
    their bodies, is a HUGE, overpowering desire to be
    a River and to flow to the woman who can RECEIVE
    everything he wants to GIVE.
    And, if he can’t – if he’s damaged or broken,
    or just cannot learn anything new – then you’ll
    know.
    And the most amazing thing is – by then – you
    won’t CARE.
    By the time you’ve settled into the
    gloriousness of being a pond in a romantic
    relationship – if he isn’t acting like a River,
    you’re going to be bored.
    Yes, – you’ll be bored with him. You’ll
    be done.
    No pain, no heartache – just “ick..I seem to
    have lost it for him…”
    Try Being a pond. Try imagining yourself not
    only ACTING like a pond, and leaning back and
    cutting back on all that you’ve been doing in the
    relationship – and try imagining yourself FEELING
    like a pond.
    Soft, in the ground, open, warm, inviting,
    liquid, constantly changeable and growing – a
    beautiful combination of dark earth and clear
    water – a fertile place for love.
    And when you sit across from him at dinner, or
    next to him on the couch in front of the TV – FEEL
    like a pond.”

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 4:48pm

98. 98: Daria says:

    Dr Paul Dobransky is cute… hes ‘wrong’ on a lot of things

    so cute… guys

    with their structured musings

    his model is static

    it doesnt include “healing”

    

    of course i am enough

    

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 4:51pm

99. 99: mali says:

    FW, I was just wowed by that poem <3

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:07pm

100. 100: Memulo says:

     I realized that I’ve been chasing SmartCD recently. What contributes to this is that i feel closer to him, so I want to make plans and he is always a last minute plan person. It’s his personality. So I don’t know whether we don’t have plans together or he just didn’t start working on them. Ever. I said I’d love to go away together for at least part of this week since I will have days off, but I have no idea if this is happening. I don’t know if he is even in the picture for July 4th or he will spend it with his family that I wasn’t introduced to. I said I was supposed to have a difficult interaction at work today and felt surprised not to hear from him on how I am going to address it and he said he was tired from heat last night. There was still time to talk before the work conversation happened or even now after it happened but he is not asking. I feel weird.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:12pm

101. 101: Daria says:

     i love smoking mj wat a wonderful world!

     i too am gonna practice saying

     “I dont feel comfortable discussing money when asked “how do you get money”

     its almost like being asked “how much do you make?”

     which my mom said u shouldnt tell people

     and i can tell people everything cuz its my magic

     i want everyone to live like me

     free

     i took

     grassfed beef ground

     organic vegetables

     and surinami fish crab flavored – like in California rolls

     and shrimp

     and im gonna make it

     yum

     im gonna cook it in some butter too and i was cravving that with avocado

     and now i have some

     and also organic tomatoes yellow onions red and green bell peppers brocolli

     and sme yoghurt

     all that organic

     cuz we do it big over here

     players ball

     me and my money honey make sure i always got money

     cuz money gots my back

     and i get it how i live

     and i live soooo phat

     and rich and good

     im like the princess

     right now

     at my girls house with red curtains and purple light

     and men clamoring

     to see us

     yeahayah yahooooo

     i feel SOO uncomfortable posting myself

     who cares aobut you

     everyone already dismissed u here

     maybe u shiuld go somewhere lese

     learn when to move on

     

     no

     i dont ant to move on

     this is my story of my battle

     fuchker fuchk dog

     ugh

     nobody gives a gujk a bout me

     and i just gotta live it like that

     and give a guhk about me

     and Money and inaminate objects gibe a fuchk about me

     and everyone hates

     and my brother is dead and now he know

     i lovr you BAE!!!!!!

     

     i m a happy Daria and im doing it BIGT

     in this life

     i used to run out the back door of safeway carts full of shrimp steak and drank and throw a hood bbq

     not sure if you wre there for that BRA

     i love my my FUDE my lovely sweet dude awwwhhh

     i wanted to see you a gain
     you got a pretty ass babymama

     i love your baby i looked at the pics

     my head feels tight and like imploding

     my chest feels pressed

     im gonna cry

     i love you i love you i love you

     its ok

     its ok i mean who can blame you choosing to die

     it IS very insteresting plus i miss our other brothers too

     ACCCH

     this pain in my chest

     im gonna cry

     i feel sad

     i dono why i feel so sad like i said i can talk to u everyday

     death is just a veil

     right?

     i dont have to be sad

     its probably YOU thats sad

     dude

     its ok

     you dont have to be sad youll still be here

     with me

     i love you

     big head square aww i miss u im crying again

     my other brother when he went didnt feel like this

     awww my big head baby

     (((((my baby))))))

     thanks

     (((((me)))))

     yeah

     im GOOD

     you know u better go find ronnie

     u know what im sayn

     awww

     yall gonna be right here

     i dono

     i dono

     about turning back time

     hmmm

     wake u up from the dead when everyone die

     stop

     hellseeker

     stop being so freaked out dude

     youre fine

     youre just dead

     just enjoy it

     what there is about it

     youll sitll be here

     part of all of us

     ugh

     im feeling sleepy

     i bet

     you are probably tired

     being dead and all

     that

     lol

     hella funny

     daria is always in sprit world

     so you know i got your back

     ohhhh big sigh of relief ok

     we’re together

     

     im practricing being FEminine

     im not doing a great job right ghit second

     AND im judging myself now

     i miss u!

     i thought for sure we was going to kick it Alive

     anyway now wwere gonna kcik it like this

     its all good

     all goodie

     im bout to roll another

     i dont smoke blunts no more cuz i smoke paper

     raw hemp paper thats it. no otgers

     i got this gourmet high class food

     im bout to talk to bra and see wat they doing

     i aint talk to sis cuz i was mad at her but i told her buout u

     sigh

     i be drinkin fiji water

     damn dude

     u had to die to come kick it w me? really?

     pffff th

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:14pm

102. 102: Daria says:

     me and my friends have imaginary relationships with each other

     but theyre not imaginary, its like we share a psychic space

     where we talk the same and feel feeligns in our hearts thas specific to our group

     its like a bonding connection culture way of our fam group

     it feels sooo noursishing and safe and home and recharing and loving

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:17pm

103. 103: Daria says:

     Daria you are magnificent
     e
     xtravagant

     and i love kickin it with YOU!!!!!!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:20pm

104. 104: siren song says:

     i’m here chilling at home with my dog watching TMR and not chasing any man. i feel vulnerable.

     and i feel strong. i haven’t felt the need to contact any guy today…they’re not in front of me.

     actually, a CD from a while ago popped up today and did text me. and we had a nice exchange. i almost forgot.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:24pm

105. 105: Daria says:

     I am SO feeling my vibe!

     i am SPECIAL

     i am DIFFERENT!

     i am OUTTA THIS WORLD

     MY OWN WORLD

     I FIND MYSELF FASCINATING

     and MEN DO TOO

     and that FEELS

     THRILLING!!!

     OMG!

     OMG!

     OMG!

     WAVES OF THRILL ROCKING ME WHILE IM HOLDING ON TIGHT!!!

     WHAT IF I LET GO!>???

     ILL ORGASM!!

     AND BE SOOOO

     EMBARASSED

     AND HUMILIATED

     I CANT LET THEM SEE ME

     ((

     I FEEL MISREABLE

     UGH

     whoa

     that felt deep trauma stuff

     i want to heal this

     thank u

     omg

     i want to feel good feeling trhilled

     i want to feel good orgasming

     i want to feel healed

     i dont want to feel humiliated

     i dont want to feel miserable

     i dont want to feel embarassed

     i want to feel GOOD

     i want to feel happy

     i want to feel powerful and free!

     

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:24pm

106. 106: Daria says:

     siren song – are any men contacting you online?

     what would be an ideal way a man could squeeze into your life Right now? (just asking for inspiration imagination purposes)

     maybe bring you food ?? or… i feel curious what ways u would think a man could please contribute to your very moment …

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:26pm

107. 107: Daria says:

     for me at this moment… a man could rub my back

     a man could make me a delicious drink that took away my headache

     a man could cook me menudo from scratch

     a man could make me a wood carving and then show me how to make one

     a man could….

     writing this i feel sad

     i feel pleasure in feeling sad

     a man could offer me a ruby ring just because

     righ tnow ”

     a man could come cook my food for me

     a man could come perform a healing for me

     sigh

     this all feels OVERWHELMING!

     this is the feeling i get when men start contributing to my life

     im like no gett away i need SPACE!

     i cant think and breathe with all you doing stuff for me!!!

     UGH

     BACK UP!

     i SAID BACK UP!!!!

     back up men!

     i swear ill light this branch on fire and light you up too

     watch out

     back up

     slobbering doggs

     ugh

     i acnt take men that close to me!

     gee
     z

     i need space and rest and quiet to sleep

     i want them all to go away

     whe they go away i feel lonely

     i want one to rub me

     and tend my fire

     and show me how to carve wood

     and cook my food

     and then im bored of him

     i want to go out!!

     and meen more MEN!

     and i feel shameful and afraid

     i feel SHAME

     dobranksy style

     about my femininity that attracts all men not just one

     hmmmff

     i dotn have to be this is good for me to go out

     this man got to serve me and theres allways one who will when im ready to be served

     and when i need space i take it and do it the way i desvribed

     and the shame is eliminated

     now yay

     its ok to want to go out into the worl dna and be seen

     and assure every time that the ccurrent partner is the most loving partner

     the most worthy

     yay

     keep checking

     and he gets to keep winning

     and i keep happy and feminine

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:33pm

108. 108: Daria says:

     i dont totally agree with dobranskys focus on ‘career’ for men

     i think its not that and mens careers arent as important as he thinks they are

     its more on the miniscule day to day level that builds the umbrella – as in his leadership is always upholded

     yay rori stuff for me

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:35pm

109. 109: siren song says:

     hmmm… daria, yes…

     he could bring me food.

     he could take me to a movie.

     he could bring me a fan (it’s HOT here today).

     he could take me for coffee. i feel tired and need some caffeine.

     i am talking to guys online…none of them are really moving forward. still chatting, though.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:59pm

110. 110: siren song says:

     ooh just saw a super-cute guy online. resisting the urge to lean forward…

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 6:06pm

111. 111: Brandylion says:

     As I was walking to class this morning, out of nowhere the thought came into my head, “Of course I’ll find someone else. How can I not; I’m amazing!”

     Maybe I really am finally starting to believe it.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:01pm

112. 112: siren song says:

     I went out by myself to a bar. It feels fun. I love watching people.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:12pm

113. 113: siren song says:

     Brandylion,

     That sounds like what margaret paul would call your ‘guidance’: when your thoughts feel right and true, so you know you’re on the right track…that’s fabulous!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:14pm

114. 114: Memulo says:

     I wonder why we are not becoming naturally closer.. I feel a distance and it’s not that I want to control him, but feeling surprised that it’s like I am hitting the wall sometimes when we are apart.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 7:53pm

115. 115: Starla says:

     ladies! I saw a guy who was like my visualization! it wasn’t exact, but it was close! he had the same feeling around him. And it was different from the kind of guy i’m usually attracted to! And he was riding the train to the area I expect my visualized guy to live!

     Ladies, the universe speaks to me, and is magic! It says, “he’s coming.”

     yes he is!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:13pm

116. 116: Emoticon says:

     Wow Starla,
     That really made me smile. I feel happy and hopeful for you

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:19pm

117. 117: Starla says:

     And I went to the gym in the evening because it wasn’t open this morning, and I stayed for TWO sessions, and I worked out like a beast. I just look incredible… I notice men approach me LESS now, but i’m catching the higher quality ones LOOKING at me covertly! I am taking it as a very good sign that men aren’t approaching me how they used to. It means they’re intimidated. Which doesn’t bother me one bit.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:28pm

118. 118: Starla says:

     Aw thanks, emoticon. your comments to me always make me smile/feed good:)

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:29pm

119. 119: Starla says:

     *feel

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:30pm

120. 120: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     14 – I text with my friends, too. But Rori says phone contact with a man should be brief and to say I am only looking for getting to know men in person.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:45pm

121. 121: Starla says:

     Ummm you lost me now, Brenda. I must have missed something. Sorry. Maybe someone else can help you.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 8:56pm

122. 122: Esteemed says:

     Tereana,

     Did you see Rori’s response to your surreal CDing story on this thread?

     http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/long-distance-for-2-12-years-how-can-any-woman-stay-sane-in-that-situation/

     What happened to you was strange, and what she said was fabulous! You sound like you are blossoming and doing some amazing things out there!

     Once I was at the beach when I saw a man who I thought was a public leader who I greatly admired. I had never seen him up close, so I just wasn’t sure. Finally I walked up to him and asked, “Are you _____ _____?”

     He just looked at me, while his wife said very nastily, “What are you trying to do?? Don’t you see me sitting right here???” I was still quite naive, and I didn’t understand at first why she was so upset. I continued to feel curious if it was him, so I asked again. She yelled at me again, while he finally said no I’m not.

     It finally occurred to me that she thought I was hitting on him, so I explained that I honestly thought he was a leader I knew.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:10pm

123. 123: Esteemed says:

     This is written by a new Siren, Jasmine. She didn’t get a response, so I thought I would repost her question:

     Hello Rori & Sirens,

     I’d like to tell you my story. It’s been about six months since my ex and I broke up. We kept seeing each other after that for about four months since we’re both in the same college and were in the same classes, so we had to see each other everyday. We tried to handle it by being “friends” but things wouldn’t ever just go that way and we always ended up being together, not in a formal way. Of course I was always involved and wanted him back but he always neglected me. After summer started we barely see each other, almost never. I tried to be friends with him (NOT trying to get back but just talk to him) but he would just talk to me indifferently, like he had no interest at all or didn’t matter. One day I told him exactly how I was feeling about that and he said he had no interest in being more than friends. But he wasn’t being my friend either!! All he did was brush me off all the time and made me feel like I was unimportant. He was being my “friend” but didn’t even want to talk to me. Then he starts saying I still have feelings for him so I get defensive and asked him if he really was over me.. and he said yes. That was it.

     The day after I send him this message:”The worst thing in the world is caring about someone who does not care. And it’s not about you being over me, but I’ve always wondered how you got to this point where I just became nobody. I even made myself believe it was always something I had done. Frustrated most of the time, you have no idea. But above all my hurting I still tried to be friends with you but I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. You’re cold, uncompassionate. I don’t need you in any way and you’ve made that very clear. And I thought you were important, but you aren’t. And I even cried this morning, but it was the last time. Hope life treats you well.”

     That was it. I decided to move on. I started reading Rori’s articles pretty much everyday and they have helped me a lot. I started to focus on myself and saw him as unimportant. I’ve changed my attitude and my way of viewing things although I have a lot of ups and downs, frequently. But anyways, that was it. That was what he wanted, right? He didn’t want to talk to me not even as a friend, he clearly wanted me to leave him alone… so I did.

     Two days after I sent him that message he texts me! Just to tell me about a contest he was going to and had told me long time ago, being pretty friendly. I replied.. indifferently. A week after he calls me!! A guy who NEVER calls me because we usually only text each other.. but I didn’t pick up. A few days later he texts me again! Just to see how I was doing and to ask me about my new job and my health (I had told him I had to see a doctor before I cut him out completely). WHAT DOES HE WANT? Didn’t he want me to leave him alone? He brushed me off all the time when I just tried to talk to him but he had no interest, no nothing. So I step out and he’s calling me again?

     So when he calls/texts this much I asked him what he wanted, why he had to do that all the time? I told him he was indifferent to me so I cut him out (because I made very clear that he was out of my life on that message), and then he calls me for no damn reason just trying to be friendly (sorry about the word but I was pissed). He told me that he hadn’t been indifferent, but that I WAS BEING INDIFFERENT. Then he says that he doesn’t understand what my definition of friends is (like I’m still into him and he’s not) and that I am confusing. But I said that nothing had to do with the past, I was being friendly just like a friend is but I don’t want to talk to someone who I can’t feel comfortable talking to because whenever I talk to him it always seems like a request to see if he is in the mood. Then he says that’s not true and blah blah. He usually doesn’t tolerate me when I argue or nag him but this time he was just… listening. And talking. And suddenly we weren’t arguing anymore but just having a conversation. So if he is so OVER me and didn’t even want to be my friend when I tried to, why is he trying to talk to me now?

     Somebody tell me!! I can’t tell what’s right or wrong anymore and I do want to do things right, for once. Please help me Rori and Sirens!!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:18pm

124. 124: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     It’s ok, thanks anyway. I just know normally if a new CD is texting or phone calling or emailing endlessly, we typically give feeling messages about I don’t want a text only relationship. I have said stuff like that to R, and never really went silent to hold my boundary.

     After our disconnect around Valentine’s Day, I didn’t see R in person until a week ago, when he helped me with the kittens. But we had a lot of text contact throughout that time off and on.

     We saw each other almost every day for ten months in 2009. Even tho we are not just 3 miles apart anymore, I know that where there is a will, there’s a way. I come to his town once or twice a week for church. I would gladly go up there to see him, and I would welcome him here. But he doesn’t have his own car. He borrows his mother’s car when he goes anywhere. Because of that, I am willing to go to him.

     So I think it comes down to him not wanting to spend time with me. For a while he told me he feels uncomfortable to be around me. I feel sure that phase has stopped.

     So now that we have broken the ice again and seen each other, I wonder if I should give feeling messages to just see each other in person. Or if a one hour difference is justification for him texting more often than not.

     Because the effect is I pretty much have a text only relationship. And I truly don’t want that.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:26pm

125. 125: Esteemed says:

     I could say to him, “As much as I really enjoy texting with you, I don’t want a text only relationship.”

     Then just go silent. Would that be all right? I am asking for input because this is new territory to me to set and hold boundaries. I feel unsure of myself.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:27pm

126. 126: siren song says:

     esteemed, if this is how you feel, i feel confident expressing this would be a good thing.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:29pm

127. 127: Starla says:

     Brenda, you’re in imaginary romantic relationship territory. he said just friends multiple times. tether yourself back to reality, girl. if he says he wants to take you out on a proper date, if he says he wants you to be his girlfriend… *then* worry about getting him off of texts. And if you want more than friendship with this man, and that’s all he’s offering, you have to decide if you can stomach that, keep it to texting like how he’s comfortable, or really cut ties and move on.

     But you’ve been through this like a bazillion times and I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what to do or repeating myself either.

     If I missed the part where he recently told you he wants to pursue a romance with you, I’m sorry!

     How are the kittens doing now?

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:32pm

128. 128: Starla says:

     125 esteemed – this is actually not a bad feeling message at all. what will you do if he doth protests?

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:34pm

129. 129: Starla says:

     er… a “don’t want” message, i guess would be more accurate. anyway, it’s excellent, as long as you’re gonna MEAN it.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:35pm

130. 130: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     I appreciate your feedback! That’s the thing. I don’t know if I have the strength to stick to it. Matter of fact, I know I don’t.

     Mmmm, that is where I always get in trouble… my loneliness. Maybe I better just play it line by line…

     I know it appears that he just wants a friendship. And it is possible. But the way he seems so very purposeful surrounding everything he says and does…and doesn’t say and doesn’t do, feels like he is grooming me to be his future wife. I know, far fetched. I invite each of you to pity me under your breath for being so pathetic.

     But I have so many conflicting messages from him that I can’t just take him at face value. I will regard him as just a friend, but when you all get an invitation to our wedding someday in the future, please just remember that I don’t really think it is just a friendship. He seems too keenly interested in the details of my life to be just a casual friend.

     What matters is I continue to CD, even tho they all seem to fizzle before or after the first date. And that I am holding him at a friendship commitment in my expectations. That is for the purpose of maintaining my sanity.

     My deep truth is that, yes, I am in love with him, and it will take a very special man to fill his place in my heart. Not even K can match up.

     In other news, I had an x rated dream about my cousin last night that left me smiling all day, LOL!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:55pm

131. 131: Esteemed says:

     …and speak of the d(e)v(i)l, he just texted, LOL! 1 am!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 9:56pm

132. 132: Esteemed says:

     I wonder if it would help or hurt my “friendship” with R to tell him how I had a very lifelike dream about a very romantic date with my 6’6″ hunk of a handsome cousin, LOL!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:03pm

133. 133: Emoticon says:

     Where is Radlove?

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:05pm

134. 134: Daria says:

     yay thank you Money Honey for getting me all that yummy food!

     thank u Daria for cooking and for taking me around friends

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:11pm

135. 135: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     Right here…me.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:13pm

136. 136: Emoticon says:

     Oh hey Esteemed,
     Didn’t realize u changed your name. I was wondering why I wasn’t seeing anything from Radlove anymore

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:15pm

137. 137: Daria says:

     hehe Radlove is Esteemed

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:16pm

138. 138: Esteemed says:

     Thanks for thinking of me!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:16pm

139. 139: Emoticon says:

     not a prob

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:19pm

140. 140: Esteemed says:

     Real time texts:

     R: What are you doing?

     B: Catching up on emails

     R: Any good emails?

     B: Sure

     R: ?

     B: I don’t know if I want to share my girl talk with you, LOL!

     R: What do you mean? Is it about me?

     B: LOL, see how you are? No, my world doesn’t orient around you (Note to Sirens: NOT! ). So many men, so little time!

     R: Ha ha ha ha. Then can you share some with me?

     B: HAHAHAHA!

     R: Pretend I’m one of your girlfriends.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:20pm

141. 141: Esteemed says:

     B: I like to share with my girlfriends juicy stuff I dream about…

     Trying to buy time here…

     Daria, Daria, Daria…

     Starla, Starla, Starla…

     This is very positive…but delicate…any suggestions where I should go with this?

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:23pm

142. 142: Emoticon says:

     Esteemed, that conversation is so cute

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:24pm

143. 143: Esteemed says:

     R: Ha ha ha. Really? Like what?

     B: I dreamed that…I feel scared telling you something so personal via text…

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:25pm

144. 144: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     Thank you! I’m enjoying it! Can you suggest if it is safe to tell him the details of my dream about my cousin?

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:25pm

145. 145: Esteemed says:

     R: Do you shre it with them thru email? Do you want to call me?

     B: It would feel good to talk to you…or see you.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:27pm

146. 146: siren song says:

     i just unfriended the last of my ex’s drug buddies from facebook…it was a long time ago, but it was baaaad. feels good to let it go, even just in cyberspace.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:29pm

147. 147: siren song says:

     i just unfriended the last of my ex’s drug buddies from facebook…it was a long time ago, but it was baaaad. feels good to let it go, even just in cyberspace.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:29pm

148. 148: Starla says:

     I’d just say “I’m feeling distracted by the emails right now, gotta go! Felt nice to hear from ya:):)”

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:30pm

149. 149: siren song says:

     ooh, i agree with starla’s fm

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:32pm

150. 150: Starla says:

     no, i would NOT tell him about your cousin thing.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:34pm

151. 151: Starla says:

     i feel sleepy. goodnight, sirens:)

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:34pm

152. 152: Esteemed says:

     Ah, that’s no fun! I like to talk to him! We are on the phone now.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:35pm

153. 153: Esteemed says:

     Too late! I tried. He giggled when I shared it.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:36pm

154. 154: Esteemed says:

     Now we are talking about making love.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:37pm

155. 155: Emoticon says:

     Esteemed, I share my dreams with one specific cd. And I use feeling messages. It feels good to talk about them. I feel curious about the details of your dream. I missed that, sorry.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 10:40pm

156. 156: Emoticon says:

     Juicy

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:02pm

157. 157: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     Thanks! Yeah, I like talking with men about sex, love making, romance, relationships…It isn’t possible with all men. With R, he likes to hear women’s perspective. He says he doesn’t understand women.

     I really didn’t give the details of my dream. It feels personal. I guess I will. but it feels weird saying I had a romantic dream about a man who is my cousin! LOL, he’s very handsome, and he is thrilling to all women, at least from what he says, LOL! He is such a sweetheart, too, with a heart of gold!

     So here goes…in my next post….

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:07pm

158. 158: Esteemed says:

     I had a very long, lifelike dream last night that I was on it all evening date with my cousin. Both of our goals with no question at all was the have sex by the end of the night! In his rough, unpolished way (which that side of my family is known for), he asked me to clean the poop out of the crack of my butt before we left. I mean come on the stuff is so funny, that I am so tempted to share it with him! This morning I did leave a voicemail for him that I had an x-rated dream about him, and I am thinking if he asks me for details, I may tell him, because he’s really down to earth and I think he would see it as funny! LOL!

     I felt embarrassed being asked that, but I ran to a private place and did just that. he was taking me to a wonderful waterworld place. it was setup to walk around this huge, hilly area with different displays of exotic fish at each station.

     At first I was unclear if there were private hotel rooms here and there around the water park. I asked him, and he said there weren’t, but there were plenty of little private places to dip in and hope nobody saw us.

     I felt absolutely charged with excitement and arousal being by his side! I wrapped my arms around his waist, I just let him lead the entire adventure! I had my eyes half closed in the blinding sun, and I just was enjoying being by the side of this glorious big man, LOL!

     My whole excitement was anticipating having sex with him later. In the dream, I was considering telling him that we could have a child together. of course all of this is against my beliefs, but it sure made for a fun dream!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:20pm

159. 159: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     LOL, yeah, it was a juicy conversation with R! I really enjoyed it! I felt an ease with him that I rarely feel, and it felt good to just flow with it. He has always had a thing that he likes me to talk with him like I would a girlfriend. I think maybe he is blind to the fact that most of the time he can’t handle it. But in this case, he just wanted to hear about my juicy dream. so I let him have it, deleting some parts.

     He just laughed and seemed to enjoy it, asking for me to share what else I talk about in girl talk with my friends. I just told him how I think lovemaking should be about an expression of an already-established love and trust. That sex alone felt empty. He totally agreed.

     We both laughed some, and it felt good to have it so positive after all the tension we’ve gone thru. I feel like I know him pretty well.

     I continue to believe that he is holding me at friendship level so I will drop my defenses I would normally keep in a romantic relationship and just let myself be seen plainly as I would if I were not trying to win a man.

     It is hard to explain why I feel this so strongly, but it is a 4 year friendship that does have history that influences my thinking and believing and feeling.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:30pm

160. 160: Tereana says:

     I feel like playing the Gratitude Game again : )

     I feel grateful that I have so many excellent women in my life who are shining examples of how I want to be in a relationship : )

     I feel grateful to have lots of wonderful, supportive friends : )

     I feel grateful that my kitten is letting me pet him/her now : )

     I feel grateful for my family

     I feel grateful to have good food to eat.

     I feel grateful to have a job that I like, that I enjoy, and that makes me feel fulfilled while giving me an exciting and flexible schedule : )

     I feel grateful that I can dance : )

     I like me. I feel grateful for me

     So tired. Sleepy time now!

     Good night!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:37pm

161. 161: Esteemed says:

     Wow, he is being incredibly sweet right now!! Wow! I feel surprised! Oh yeah, Rori, your mantra is playing out again! Wow! Wow! Wow!

     Check this out! After we talked a half hour, here was our continued text:

     Right after we hung up, I wrote:

     B: I feel weird like I dominated the conversation. I do that when I feel nervous. Grrr at me!

     R: I didn’t notice.

     B: Awww, thanks. I like talking to you about love making and romance.

     R: Ha ha. Cool me 2.

     B: Yay!

     R: Ha ha

     R: Please don’t take it the wrong way though.

     B: Please don’t take what the wrong way?

     R: Just talking about romance.

     B: Relax. We are just friends, and I accept that.

     R: Ok. Thanks. I appreciate that.

     R: I’m not trying to upset you at any point, that’s not what I’m about. I just want to make you feel good.

     B: Awww, thanks! That feels good to hear. I feel so good when we make each other feel good, LOL! Harmony is important to me.

     R: Can you teach me how to make you feel good and have harmony with you?

     B: Thank you! Gladly!

     R:

     We are still texting, and it’s going well.

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:54pm

162. 162: Esteemed says:

     Tereana,

     The gratitude game is a good one! There is always something to be thankful for, no matter what! You sound good!

     Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 11:57pm

163. 163: Daria says:

     im feeling tired and also i want to feel more thrilled and more rested both and less guilty

     and worried

     i want to heal this guilt and worry

     i havent brushed my hair

     i feel sad thinking that

     thats ok

     it feels great to think of a way to make myself feel better

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:10am

164. 164: Daria says:

     “:: The Trickle-Down Theory of Human Kindness ::

     In peaceful “primitive” cultures, kindness is
     sustained from generation to generation by a kind of
     “trickle-down” effect. At its core is the commonly
     held value of serving and delighting younger people,
     especially babies.

     Adults appreciate and support the delight of adolescents,
     who delight in the joy of prepubescents,
     who enjoy entertaining younger children,
     who love to carry babies and play with toddlers.

     The elegance of this top-down, pleasure-oriented value
     system is that the youngest people receive the most
     (and give the least) at the developmental stage when
     they’re naturally narcissistic, while those who give more
     are more adept at deriving joy from giving.

     In contrast…

     Adults in our culture often *fear* adolescents,
     who call prepubescents “dweebs,”
     who disparagingly call younger children “babies,”
     who compete with real babies for love and attention.

     When your children behave unkindly, remember that you
     can’t enforce authentic kindness. Instead, let it
     trickle down by *modeling* unconditional generosity.
     Using your creativity, find a way to serve and delight
     both “aggressor” and “victim” …and yourself, too!

     http://dailygroove.net/trickle-down“

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:17am

165. 165: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     That’s really cool! I think it is all about valuing every human being! I think when children are treated with dignity and respect like adults, they grow up with healthy self esteems.

     I felt a lot of anger growing up not being taken seriously. For example, I made up a line for a song, “I’m as free as a bird can be…” The adult who was leading the song looked at me condescendingly, “I’m as free as the birds and bees?”

     I felt angry and embarrassed. I knew what that meant, and that it made no good sense. It was one tiny example of the many times I was made to feel less than and not to be taken seriously because I was “just a child”, as if I were not a real human being.

     Children are infinitely precious!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:24am

166. 166: boasgirl says:

     feeling tired – have slept too little

     had an amazing mini-holiday by the sea, in my family’s summer house – first alone, then with a friend

     some guys contact me, and then they disappear -

     practice not tochasethem,lean backandlet more guys come in ….

     make room for the other guys to come

     wanting to move … my room is too small -

     praying for a solution -

     feeling really tired and also hopeful and excited about change

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:36am

167. 167: Daria says:

     im a happiness coach

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:38am

168. 168: Sirenity says:

     49 Hopeful. You dont want to be controlling , but wanting him to follow up and go to meetings is controlling the outcome. He knows you want him to.
     He knows he ‘should” . To do it will require him to be self driven , self motivated and self directed. That means he will actually need to accept the reality of the problem and do all in HIS power to change.

     You cannot control this. It is only HIS to change . No matter how you love him. I believe you can influence him by acting “as if” he is going to go to meetings, mention it ONCE , offer to be supportive then make it CLEAR its up to him to do it and you will be staying out of it.

     Dont let your anxiety add pressure to the situation.

     Set your own boundaries about this , and just where the deal breaker is for you. Inform him of that, then LEAN BACK.

     Example” Honey i feel so pleased you are keen to stop your drinking. I feel excited that we may be able to make the marriage work after all as you know I love you. You know I have been considering leaving for a while as i felt so angry and hurt and scared by all the anger and blaming associated with the ongoing drinking.

     I feel amazing and hopeful now you are working on this problem.

     Of course i want to cheer you on and I will do everything i can to help you get to meetings regularly but this really is up to you to plan and organise. It would feel so good to hear how you are doing and what the next steps are.

     If the drinking and blaming continues I will have to think this over further . I dont want to live my life with someone who drinks daily and whose personality is eroded by alcohol .

     What dop you think? “

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:46am

169. 169: Lena says:

     Hi everyone

     I guess I went hysterical last night. Wow – I just had a flashback to my ex and how it all ended – exactly all the same – even words are the same.

     “I made up my mind and wont change it”.
     “I think its better we will separate”
     “I dont feel the same about you anymore and dont want to hurt you”

     I am trying to understand why I repeat the same cycle. It goes at the pattern – madly in love with me, asking for relationship, talking about marriage and than a chain of huge fights non stop and this. Fights are mostly because of my insecurities. I hear guys say that I am controlling, tough, that I speak without thinking and too much, that I pressure them, that I show my character and its different from what they see at first, that I they feel tired to fight, etc.

     I do panic a lot and always scared of smth – everything triggers me.

     Anyway. I decided to let him go. I cant fight for all this. I was so crazy I said ok for him to see other girls. No. So I stopped and I will just accept what he sais.

     I didnt reach out to him in anyway whole day and he called to say he wants to meet tomorrow to talk. I feel hesitant to do so – I mean why? He broke up with me already and said he wont change his mind. But even if I will see him – I will just be happy. Because if he is out – than maybe my guy is just around the corner. I dont have much feelings for him as well – I was also hurt a lot, I dont want to be friends with him, I dont have time for this.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:22am

170. 170: Daria says:

     Text I sent to a dear, dear female friend who is co-creating and remaining in a emotionally-abusive relationship with a powerful (but deeply wounded) man she is married to and loves to the core, and who loves her, even through his wounds:

     “I have decided my support of you will no longer center around words/processing/advice. My support of you will center around guiding you to lay your soul in fullsurrender on the altar of worship in the Temple of Wife Worship. When you are fully in that position, and you live the rest of your life on the altar, and never allow yourself to leave the altar, even for a second, your Man will have no choice but to bow down in reverence and respect. I hear you knocking–pounding–at the door of the temple. I am opening the door now and escorting you to your position.”

     - Michael ellsberg

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:44am

171. 171: Goldenflower says:

     69: Femininewoman says:
     Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

     That poem is so amazing, so deeply profound and has moved me. I think i can relate to this more than anything else about the feeling of how it really feels to receive. To receive with your whole being. Wow.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:51am

172. 172: Goldenflower says:

     69: Femininewoman says:
     Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

     That poem is so amazing, so deeply profound and has moved me. I think i can relate to this more than anything else about the feeling of how it really feels to receive. To receive with your whole being. Wow.
     I am a pond.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:02am

173. 173: Linda says:

     I did not sleep well last night. I went to bad mad and awoke furious!

     I was watching a TV show that triggered me BIG TIME! The words keep running thru my head this morning.

     In my last relationship… he began to never touch me. I told him that I did not want a platonic relationship. I had a bad marriage (sexually) and I had not made all these changes in my life to live with that again. He said he was “had not been attracted to me for a long time”!!!! Made comments about my weight, … made demands on dress (sexy) should come on to him….should be sweet smelling….learn how to pleasure him really well…. he wanted a visual turn on… you know he was no different than any other man…. OMG I AM SOOOO FURIOUS (You see how selfcentered he was) I was so stupid to stay around him.

     the TV show triggered all that in me again. The Tudors…is the show it is about King Henry of England… One of his many wives was a political arrangement… but when he met her …he said “SHE LOOKS LIKE A HORSE AND EMITS FOUL SMELLS”

     I looked at the womans pain. I know that pain….to be rejected like that and have unkind things said…. I could have put my fist and head thru a wall. I am still furious today.

     If I am a pond today… it is alll stirred up, murkey and muddy. My eyes are squinty and my jaw is set. I am typing angry, pounding these keys. I cant find any peace right now.

     I AM AN AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. DO YOU HEAR ME ….. you son of a bi#@h !!!

     Linda

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:19am

174. 174: Vi says:

     Got news that another g-friend of mine got involved with a married guy. The “relationship” is more imaginary … whatever.. But I know this guy, he is a father of 3 and has a loving wife….
     I feel sad sad sad..and unsafe .. and threatened ..and angry!!!! and insecure… even in panic!! and angry angry angry .. I feel fear … to be cheated; to be less interesting than someone; to be vulnerable; to be not so interesting/ fun as….
     I don’t .. I don’t know what happened…. His wife might have lost herself…..i don’t know… Have I lost myself? I am looking for myself….
     I want to be sure that no matter what happens is going to be to the good for me… I think it is… I want to FEEL it… I want to BELIEVE anything what happens is going to be for the good for me… I mean ANYTHING…. I want to believe this all my heart
     I love my fear and my shoulders go up and feel stiff…face frowning… I love my frowny face.. : ) yes I do .. feel smiley… and .. magic… (??)

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:29am

175. 175: Goldenflower says:

     70: Linda says:

     Goldenflower,…. you dont want a depressed man. I thought helping, listening, (that is my nature)… would make it better. Doing my own thing did not affect him either. He just was existing and not engaged in life with me. A depressed man is like a milstone …. it sucks all the life and vitality and confidence out of you. I DONT WANT a man like this anymore. it sucks! This depressed man was NOT a giver. He was a TAKER. When he was able to rally the energy it was still all about him. It was NEVER about me. He was never enthusiasic about ME or US. He acted like I was just a thing he was with until he could do better for himself. I did not feel important or valued because I wasnt. Everything he did and didn’t do proved it.

     Linda thankyou for posting this for me. I am more calm and centred today than yesterday. I slept a full night last night, which has helped me. I am trying to focus on positives and accept what I have done by cutting all contact (even if I vented at the end) is the right thing for me.
     No matter what he is going through, he has expressed no desire to have me involved or to support him in any way. In his words he just “wants to shut himself away”. I must accept this. I will still care about him but I will not look at him as romantic partner. He is not right for me.
     I do not want a depressed man, he has had depression his whole adult life. This would be an ongoing cycle and would not help me with my life goals.
     Linda:
     I had an awesome initial connection with this man… he was charming, handsome, funny, … It felt good at first… then the negative, distant, harsh, selfcentered, unavailable man showed up and never left. No amount of support or giving or understanding helped. It did not create love.

     Yes, this helps to read this so much. The problem is it does feel good at first then i just want to get back to that side of him, that feeling. But I realise the first two months do not make for the whole relationship or allow me to judge all the sides of a man. Negative distant person not good
     Ten years ago, prior to this latest “fedex” i had a four year relationship with another draining type of man. We were glorious for the first year but it left me with very little left for myself. I put everything i could into healing his pain and eventually had to leave him because I needed to heal myself. He wasnt a bad person just very selfish and unable to see past himself. To this day he tells me I healed him! This same ex and I became friends again in the past two years, and in March we came close to getting back together!!! While he has changed a lot he is still selfish in many ways. He pulled away from me at the last minute and left me heartbroken. He said it brought up too many issues from the past. Very soon after this happened I met fedex, from match.com and you know the rest.
     In essence I am now seeing a pattern for me here. That I was rejected by a draining ex and then again rejected by a new depressive type. Hmm, in both cases I think I have come up against that role of my purpose being to heal the man, to support the wounded man.
     It is really great that neither wanted me in this way, because I DO NOT want that role. I am ready to maintain my own healing journey and I am ready to receive love from a healthy man.
     When inevitable thoughts and sadness for fedex occur I will sink into and release the feelings then quietly change the view in my mind to my own adventure. I am lucky to have escaped a depressive man who could not give to me.
     NEXT!!!

     Thankyou Linda.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:38am

176. 176: Tam says:

     Hello Ladies!!
     I have a conundrum. I need to ask MrU for a favour, and it is only something he can do because it involves getting me contact details of one of his friends who can help me with something VERY important for my life.
     I don’t want to to come across like I am chasing him by just asking for something…but I really need to do it, it could change my life for the better…big change.
     So how do I word that.
     ‘Hi, hope you are well, I need your help with something, can you do xyz’? It was something he offered many months ago but it didn’t apply then and now it’s urgent.
     But I do not want to get into any more conversation again, so how do I do this, any suggestions?

     Thank you

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:44am

177. 177: Memulo says:

     Girls, I am starting a lean back challenge today! Today is my Day One lol. I feel good about it.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:52am

178. 178: LoveAlways says:

     Memulo
     You go girl!!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:20am

179. 179: Linda says:

     Goldenflower; I found that after 3 years of life with this man…I am very very depleted. My healing journey is long over due.

     The way I feel today. If he was in front of me I would slap him straight across the face.

     I guess after my trigger last night. I am in the anger phase my journey. I am sooo offended at him. I own all my anger around this…. It takes me a lot to be angry. I cant remember ever being this mad.

     Linda

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:41am

180. 180: Esteemed says:

     LoveAlways,

     I love your gravatar!!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:45am

181. 181: ulii says:

     @ Smile, Vi, Memulo!!!
     From the other thread:

     Oh, I didn’t have a moment to read what you answered to me that day, after I posted about my feeling stuck with that imaginary relationship with NZ cd. Now I’m reading and feel so warm in my heart & cared and thankful!!
     Thank you for commenting!!!

     (((Smile))) (((Memulo))) (((Vi)))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:10am

182. 182: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I would just ask Rockstar style. Any sense of urgency and he might hold out. I would just ask directly and trust that he is willing to help.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:20am

183. 183: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I would just ask Rockstar style. Any sense of urgency and he might hold out. I would just ask directly and trust that he is willing to help.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:20am

184. 184: Emoticon says:

     Esteemed, I feel happy that you feel more relaxed around him now. Change in your vibe maybe?

     That dream is absolutely hilarious to me. I’ve had one about one of my brothers too, so maybe it’s not all that weird to have sexual dreams about people you do not wish to have sex with. I suppose the dream maker just wanted to give us someone we are familiar and comfortable with.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:23am

185. 185: Emoticon says:

     Esteemed, I can totally relate to your romantic feelings for R also. Totally

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:30am

186. 186: Calypso says:

     So – I drove for an hour and a half to meet Farmer CD half way and have dinner. I knew 5 minues into the evening that he was not who i was looking for, but I tried really hard to be open and relaxed and in the moment. He is a nice man, but he seemed so old and beated down and worn out – on the inside. He is only a few years older than me and I don’t care about that, but I need someone who is young at heart like me.

     I looked deeply into his eyes and did not see a spark. I breathed deeply of his scent and felt nothing.

     I’m not lonely, I’m not bored, I’m not going to spend my time with someone who does not inspire me or make my heart feel funny when he smiles.

     He is emailing me again this morning – I will have to tell him we are not a match. I don’t think he will be surprised. I’m still talking to several CD’s on POF, but I feel let down this morning – i was rooting for Farmer CD.

     Ugh – maybe I’m still not ready? NO! he just wasn’t The One. I’m ready – he is coming for me and i will be ready. I’ll just use this as a comparison of what I don’t want – I’m getting closer every time I open myself up and meet someone new.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:42am

187. 187: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     184-185 – Thank you! Yes, i believe it is the change in my vibe. I feel like I am really getting it now how to relate to him…keeping it light, feeling messages, not confrontational, not pressuring, not thinking every move on his part is an effort to deepen the relationship.

     And you help me feel more relaxed about sharing my dream! It is something I normally would feel is way too personal to share. But, like Daria, I am experimenting with being more open. And I decided it was just a fun dream and to crack out of my silly shell!

     How are things going in NYC?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:47am

188. 188: Esteemed says:

     I’m still fine tuning my Siren self. I’m planning an 80th birthday party for my Mom at the end of the month. I have been trying to contact my sister in law for 2 weeks to find when is the best date for her, because she has an especially full schedule with major family events on her side of the family.

     She finally concluded on the best date for her today, but she has now sent two emails to my two brothers and me giving all her input on how the party should be planned, who should be invited, what should be served.

     This is par for the course. I started to plan a 70th birthday party for my Mom ten years ago, and she completely took over. Because I felt so overwhelmed at the time, I allowed her to. She did an amazing job, too. But this is MY mother, and I am learning skills to not let someone hijack MY plans for MY loved ones. So I guess I am just processing in black and white, but I welcome any input, too.

     She is totally swamped with her own side of the family, and she may be able to stop in for an hour because of pre-existing plans. So this time around, she has no business whatsoever hijacking my party plans! I had the job, so I was going to plan something really elaborate. Now I’ve lost my job, and I feel sheepish, because now that my brothers are chipping in, I feel like they think they have a right to hijack my party planning.

     I had talked with Rose, my Mom’s previous caregiver, last week. She expressed interest in helping to plan it. So I am waiting for a call back from her, and I hope to unhijack the party plans. Just feeling my way, because a lot of this boundary setting and holding is new to me. I feel clumsy at it, and I stand at risk of yelling or snapping, and I don’t want to do that.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:55am

189. 189: Femininewoman says:

     Women who naturally attract any man they what to meet kill the hesitation by simply walking up to a man and saying hello without worrying of the outcome. They are not attached to the outcome, and can take a no for an answer. They know their worth, and every guy who doesn’t think they are that special is simply not worth the effort.

     http://commitment-relationship.com/how-to-attract-a-man-by-overcoming-your-natural-tendencies/

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:55am

190. 190: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso I believe one date is not enough. Women build attraction over time. The spark you were looking for means nothing. As a matter of fact it is the thing that could cause the greatest problem. I am not saying you don’t know what you want just ask yourself why would you be so willing to quickly dismiss him?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:02am

191. 191: Emoticon says:

     Awww things are going great. Thanks for asking.

     I once shared a dream with a CD about myself and his mother fighting off a dinosaur which tried to come into his house. He kept laughing and saying “yeah I can imagine that” and saying it was very interesting that I dreamed that. Then he got serious and he told me that I’m psychic lol. So I said I felt very curious as to why he said that. Only to find out that his ex gf who he dated right after our last breakup and who his mom disliked referred to herself as a dinosaur. I was baffled.

     He doesn’t always interpret them but just likes when I talk about my dreams.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:02am

192. 192: ulii says:

     RE Smile, 302, previous thread

     Thank you again for answering me with a lot of insight, i would say. I am not at all bothered or feeling it’s not something I might want to hear. I love to hear all the opinions and what you have to say. I really do. And I am so grateful of the time you took to answer. Actually you are helping me to see this much clearer.

     I don’t know exactly what am I looking for in this man I have never met in real life but with whom I have been chatting since January. I guess big part of it is my own fear of intimacy and avoidance issues. And it has been so nice sometimes. And there have been talking of real plans to meet. And me maybe going to him in New Zealand (I’m in Europe now)… which would be a great adventure also without him being part of it. Although I could not go by my own means, and I was expecting him to invite me (which he was talking about before). But yes, when I got more interested, kind of accepted his invite and really asking for to plan travelling details, is when it all got weird. I think my vibe got needy. So he started to drift away, avoid the subject and it all got awkward.

     So, I have had him too much in my head. Although I am (of course!) circular dating other men as well. Some even in real life. But no-one is attracting me too much so far, and maybe it has to do with me concentrating too much on fantazising about this NZ guy far away. And his potential to be all what i have dreamed of. I know, I know… this is no good!

     The same time I am aware of the danger losing myself into this as I know it is all imaginary. So what I’m dealing with is the everyday decisions, like…if it feels bad… what to do exactly. And doubting between making him decide, blocking him and doing the no contact…still chatting like a friend to him…etc. I’m not adding any new long distance cd-s anymore, although on the 2 dating sites i’m on, too many men form far away contact me all the time (I tell them what I think what was Daria’s suggestion “I’m here to meet men in person. I don’t want to get to know someone via chat..etc…”). This NZ cd is the only one remaining from when I started meeting men online and didn’t yet beware to protect myself from getting involved in long distance guys this way.

     I did ask him 2 days ago, if he is really interested to meet me this summer. And what he said was that he is interested, but this summer is complicated. So for me it is like the interest is not enough and it is actually a “no” I have to take for an answer.. So I accepted it. And bought some airline tickets to go to some other places this summer. And was thinking of blocking him as it still did hurt.

     But the next day I felt already ok and strong, so I chatted with him again (he started)… Told him about my other plans etc. Now, me being relaxed again..I was feeling he was relaxed again too. And it was good this time. Like this close-feeling long chats we used to have. And we have been talking about all the wants & needs in a relationship.. I think I have expressed everything to him. And it is a lot the same what he says he wants. He is talking about “when we get married”..although joking… but a lot. And talking about trips together and having a organic products farm together someday etc. .. And having children in few years. And asking my views & opinions about these things. Just that in real life it is complicated to see now…and so he speaks about us meeting but probably somewhere during the next year… . I am not believing this is a real plan. But it feels nice to talk about this and imagine the future together. And while talking it makes me feel so good.. So I reconsidered about the blocking.

     The third day.. I felt bad again. As he didn’t initiate a chat although being online. So…now I’m considering blocking him again.

     So as you see…I am a bit on a roller-coaster. Sometimes feeling ok and cool and like being chat friends is good enough. And sometimes still feeling bad and hurt. And basically don’t know what to do about it. Block him or continue this chatting?

     I know that my real work is with me. And I should just live my own life and be way less behind the computer, and specially in skype, the place I get most triggered lately.

     —————————————————————

     “I have got myself into an imaginary relationship”

     Work on you. It appears you have never met this man so I’m assuming it’s not closure your looking for. Ask yourself why you need closure from a relationship you never had? your sending out a fear vibe, do you think he is picking up on your anxiety. I recognise this from my own feeling too.

     Leaning back has helped me to see more clearly.

     If he does contact you maybe you could apply a feeling message then? Does he know your wants and desires from a relationship? Does he want the same. Offer your needs and then lean back and allow him to step up of he is the right man.

     That’s just what I see. I’ve tried to be constructive but appreciate it’s what you might not want to hear. I’m feeling your pain.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:07am

193. 193: Esteemed says:

     I just talked with my sis in law and it went great! I am finding Rori’s tools are just transforming my relationships left and right! I kept it positive and in terms of how I feel, and she was just fine with it, just expressed her concerns about the party and said she will let it go and let me handle it, once she realized I had it well in hand. Yay feeling messages!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:09am

194. 194: Emoticon says:

     So I’m cramping really badly today and told my boss I would be coming in late. He texts me saying he hopes I’m not pregnant then says joking! I just didn’t respond. All I told him is that I do not feel well so I will be late and he sent that. I didn’t know how to respond but I def was not going to say no I’m not pregnant.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:12am

195. 195: Emoticon says:

     So I’m cramping really badly today and told my boss I would be coming in late. He texts me saying he hopes I’m not pregnant then says joking! I just didn’t respond. All I told him is that I do not feel well so I will be late and he sent that. I didn’t know how to respond but I def was not going to say no I’m not pregnant.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:12am

196. 196: Femininewoman says:

     Brenda I feel triggered every time I see “par for the course”. I can’t identify why just that I find it annoying. Do you mind telling me how you came to be using this phrase for these types of scenarios?

     Maybe I have it in the category of “pick up” lines that men use when they are playing games with women? I don’t know. I just get this intense lashing out type of charge when I read it.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:13am

197. 197: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     191 – That is so cool about the dinosaur dream! Dreams can be so significant! I think the only significance in my dream is that I love big aquariums and that I have a crush on my cousin and that I really desire sex and intimacy in a relationship! But I knew all that, LOL!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:20am

198. 198: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     196 – I suppose it is a way of expressing myself that I picked up from my Mom. And perhaps it does carry a tinge of resentment, which of course I want to heal. I had a much different feeling toward my sis in law after talking with her on the phone just now.

     Another way I could have worded it is I often feel controlled when I am around her. Because I do.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:23am

199. 199: Femininewoman says:

     Esteemed now that I think of it I also get an image of putting on boxing gloves getting ready for a fight. I have been addicted to adrenaline and one way to get it pumping was verbal fights

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:28am

200. 200: Esteemed says:

     Ha! Here’s a fun article by Cesar Milan about dogs being a great way to meet men, LOL! Loveit!

     http://www.cesarsway.com/newsandevents/entertainmentnews/Can-Your-Dog-Help-You-Find-The-Perfect-Date?utm_source=BlueHornet&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Jul3Fireworks

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:29am

201. 201: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     199 – Interesting. I don’t really associate that phrase with aggression in any way. More like ear marking a certain kind of behavior in a particular person.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:31am

202. 202: Jasmine says:

     Well this is the perfect blog for me to look at. I had written this last week but I never got any response. Hope I get it here! This is what I wrote:

     Hello Rori & Sirens,

     I’d like to tell you my story. It’s been about six months since my ex and I broke up. We kept seeing each other after that for about four months since we’re both in the same college and were in the same classes, so we had to see each other everyday. We tried to handle it by being “friends” but things wouldn’t ever just go that way and we always ended up being together, not in a formal way. Of course I was always involved and wanted him back but he always neglected me. After summer started we barely see each other, almost never. I tried to be friends with him (NOT trying to get back but just talk to him) but he would just talk to me indifferently, like he had no interest at all or didn’t matter. One day I told him exactly how I was feeling about that and he said he had no interest in being more than friends. But he wasn’t being my friend either!! All he did was brush me off all the time and made me feel like I was unimportant. He was being my “friend” but didn’t even want to talk to me. Then he starts saying I still have feelings for him so I get defensive and asked him if he really was over me.. and he said yes. That was it.

     The day after I send him this message:”The worst thing in the world is caring about someone who does not care. And it’s not about you being over me, but I’ve always wondered how you got to this point where I just became nobody. I even made myself believe it was always something I had done. Frustrated most of the time, you have no idea. But above all my hurting I still tried to be friends with you but I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. You’re cold, uncompassionate. I don’t need you in any way and you’ve made that very clear. And I thought you were important, but you aren’t. And I even cried this morning, but it was the last time. Hope life treats you well.”

     That was it. I decided to move on. I started reading Rori’s articles pretty much everyday and they have helped me a lot. I started to focus on myself and saw him as unimportant. I’ve changed my attitude and my way of viewing things although I have a lot of ups and downs, frequently. But anyways, that was it. That was what he wanted, right? He didn’t want to talk to me not even as a friend, he clearly wanted me to leave him alone… so I did.

     Two days later he texts me! Just to tell me about a contest he was going to and had told me long time ago, being pretty friendly. I replied.. indifferently. A week after he calls me!! A guy who NEVER calls me because we usually only text each other.. but I didn’t pick up. A few days later he texts me again! Just to see how I was doing and to ask me about my new job and my health (I had told him I had to see a doctor before I cut him out completely). WHAT DOES HE WANT? Didn’t he want me to leave him alone? He brushed me off all the time when I just tried to talk to him but he had no interest, no nothing. So I step out and he’s calling me again?

     So when he called/texted this much I asked him what he wanted? I told him he was indifferent to me so I cut him out (because I made very clear that he was out of my life on that message), and then he calls me for no damn reason just trying to be friendly (sorry about the word but I was pissed). He told me that he hadn’t been indifferent, but that I WAS BEING INDIFFERENT. Then he says that he doesn’t understand what my definition of friends is (like I’m still into him and he’s not) and that I am confusing. But I said that nothing had to do with the past, I was being friendly just like a friend is but I don’t want to talk to someone who I can’t feel comfortable talking to because whenever I talk to him it always seems like a request to see if he is in the mood. Then he says that’s not true and blah blah. He usually doesn’t tolerate me when I argue or nag him but this time he was just… listening. And talking. And suddenly we weren’t arguing anymore but just having a conversation. So if he is so OVER me and didn’t even want to be my friend when I tried to, why is he trying to talk to me now?
     ———————————————————–

     That’s what happened up to that point. However, I ruined things completely because of my desperation. After he was the one trying to contact me, I got too excited and started “chasing” him again. And I regret it. But anyways, this last Friday I told him I wanted to see him (stupid, I know) but he backed off a little bit. He said that Friday nights are for dating people, not us, so I got really mad because that night he called me he was calling to hang out because his brother was doing orientation at school and he wanted to give him a fan, so when I want to see him it is such a big deal? So I really got pissed off because he was brushing me off again, but then he starts saying I take everything wrong and that he’s not trying to be mean to me at all. But I got so aggravated that I started calling him names because of blowing me off so I said I don’t need to be his friends and he said if it’s always going to get like this it is cool with me. That even made me feel worse so I said he doesn’t care at all and he told me he does care but texts don’t show it at all. That I take everything wrong and that he rarely ever tries to be mean to me. That he’s willing to hang out but that weekends are just too much of a “commitment” and that he’s usually with his friends and he needs late notice because of that (he doesn’t want them to see him with me because they were there every time we broke up and got back together, so he doesn’t want them to think we’re back or lose his “manhood”).

     Then he told me he hates texting because he can’t express real feeling and I tell him that’s all we can do cause he even tries to avoid me. But he said he can’t be “best friends” with me. I was like what? I felt like I was begging him to be my friend so I told him I would leave him alone, and he didn’t reply. Since I don’t get any reply, I tell him a few hours later that there’s no way I can feel right about this all and that everything is ok with him, then he responds he can hang out with me but that I’m making this a huge deal when it doesn’t need to be, and that he’s not trying to make me angry at him at all.

     So I stopped right there, it embarrassed me to see how desperate I sounded after I ignored him for three weeks and all of a sudden it was me chasing him again. And I’ve realized whenever I talk about feelings or get aggravated he withdraws even more. He talks to me whenever I stop talking about these things or when I stop showing interest. So I haven’t texted him about the same thing, and then on Sunday he friendly texts me just to ask me how to cook some stuff.

     I don’t know what to do. I feel like everything is on his terms. I overthink a lot just because I want to know what is it he wants? Sometimes I get this powerful attitude but sometimes I lose it completely. I know the best thing for me is circular dating and taking my focus OFF him and I’m really working on that but at the end of the day all I get is sadness. I just wonder, is it me who has made him behave the way he does? Or is it just clear that he doesn’t care anymore? If that’s the case, why would he text me or call me for any reason at all? I know I’ve been very pushy and whenever he shows some interest I can’t control myself, but this is just so confusing. Should I be welcoming when I hear from him again, or indifferent, or just ignore him? I’m overexposed. I don’t want to expose myself more than I have. I’m pretty sure he sees I’ve been very weak and I want to completely reverse that and show him I can be the same powerful girl he once met after I’ve screwed it all up.

     PLEASE,

     I need some guideline of how to behave. I’m not texting/calling him anymore. Talk to me Rori and Sirens, I need some insight.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:34am

203. 203: Jasmine says:

     Whenever I read what I write I sound so desperate. I don’t want this anymore. It’s too bad. I want to take control of my actions and not let my emotions overtake me. Show him that he’s not the center of my world although I’ve made him believe he is. I am just so confused. Some articles encourage me to move on because he’s a toxic guy, and some others encourage me to not lose hope with the guy that I want. I don’t know if I’ve pushed him away or if he’s just not worth trying. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:40am

204. 204: Brandylion says:

     Siren Song, I appreciate your support that this is a good thing!

     The voice that told me I will find someone else because I am amazing is also the voice that told me I loved PriestCD and told me I was going to marry him (those were two separate events). Clearly, one of those things was true and the other was not. I’m not sure I can trust that voice.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:40am

205. 205: Femininewoman says:

     Jasmine I believe your best action right now is to just stop. What you have been doing is not working. So what if you have been desperate.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:50am

206. 206: Esteemed says:

     (((Jasmine))),

     I was in the middle of stuff last night so didn’t have time to read and respond to your post. I feel sad for you with the frustration and pain you have been feeling. I can so relate, and you have come to the right place.

     Are you able to afford Rori’s ebook and some of her programs? They are totally worth it and I highly recommend them! I could recommend them all, but my personal favorite is Commitment Blueprint.

     Here are the dynamics I see in your interactions:

     When he “ended” it, you leaned back.

     When you leaned back, no longer chasing him in any way, he did what men do: he leaned forward.

     When and if this happens again, here’s how to handle it: “Hi! It feels so good to hear from you!”

     I have been listening to Rori’s materials for 3 years, and on the blog 2 years. I have found that it is a process of growth. Above all, please give compassion to your weak parts and take the transitions in baby steps. it is a deep inner healing that I found needed to take place, and I had many small and big shifts inside along the way.

     What works is feeling messages, “I feel heavy hearted; happy; relaxed; angry, etc.”…rather than “You are cold, uncaring, etc.” YOU statements don’t work – they result in a man shutting down and backing away.

     I will post some stuff in a little while that I texted with the man I love last night. I have been thru it with him…we dated 10 months in 2009, and I did everything that was harmful to the relationship and then some that Rori never even thought of doing, LOL!

     Last night was quite amazing with R, the result of 3 years of gradually transitioning to feeling messages!

     The best thing you can do for your relationship right now is NOTHING. STOP. Don’t initiate contact. Let him initiate. And when he does, respond with warmth, openness, and genuineness.

     I am sorry you didn’t get much response yet, but just hang with us and we will. Sometimes Sirens don’t have time to respond to every message, but you will definitely be seen here now that you are on the most current page.

     Hugs, Esteemed.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:52am

207. 207: Tam says:

     FW – thank you kindly…would you be even kinder and expand on the Rockstar style? I am kind of getting it, but not sure…and yes, I was going to ask directly. he is a man of few words, I do not like to overload anyway

     Mind you, after feeling mildly depressed that I spend yet another 4th July outside of the US…when I had promised myself to be back there,
     the Universe brought me a date with two guys tomorrow. Yes, two! Well, old friends from the neighbourhood. Maybe after my rockstar double date I can ask MrU anything like a rockstar

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:53am

208. 208: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     205 – “So what if you have been desperate.”

     Ouch! That feels bad to read! If she feels desperate, her feelings are valid, and they matter.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:00am

209. 209: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     205 – Oopsie, I retract that. I read it in context, now seeing Jasmine’s short message following her long one. I see what you were saying, that it is ok to feel desperate.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:02am

210. 210: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     I have felt that needy, desperate feeling through most of my relationship with R. I totally relate! I feel convinced that who I choose as my partner for life is one of the very most important aspects of my life. It really is a big deal, and it is one of the biggest parts of life.

     When I got to know R in 2009, I became convinced he was and is my Soul Mate. So it has been a very long, not-so-glamorous road to where I am now. I still believe he is my Soul Mate, but I relate to him far differently.

     It is a process, like peeling off the layers of an onion. I have found endless treasures here on the blog, both thru Rori and the other Sirens. I value these ladies. And I really value Rori and her programs!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:05am

211. 211: Femininewoman says:

     Jasmine what I meant by “so what if you have been desperate” is to not beat yourself up about it but just to notice it. I myself have been there and go back there sometimes. I am not yet convinced that we get to that perfect place where our insecurities don’t raise its head up once in a while and cause us to feel desperate. I find it is only when I lie to myself about my desperation that I sabotage myself. Noticing it has helped me on my healing journey to not always react. Loving my desperate girl inside me has helped her to feel accepted.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:07am

212. 212: siren song says:

     jasmine,

     stopping contact is the way to go. remember to be very open and warm when he does manage to get ahold of you…

     also, my recent ex was acting similarly for awhile, then i leaned back and he came on like gangbusters.

     don’t judge or punish yourself for anything and lean waaaay back and see what happens.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:07am

213. 213: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     211 – Right on!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:10am

214. 214: ulii says:

     RE Memulo 177. and also last thread

     Thank you again for your input in the last thread!!

     “Did you consider not responding and just living your life? silence works like a charm in some cases, no need to invent a FM even ”

     I think I would take your advice, at least trying..to live my life more. And then I’ll see about the silence & feeling messages to NZ cd. I guess I have already expressed my feelings about how awkward communication is hurting me. So I feel a bit silly repeating myself too often to him. And other days it’s not awkward, and then I feel good. So I will be going day by day.

     But anyway… I would like to join your lean back challenge.
     For me, in case of NZ cd, it would translate into:

     Not initiating chat ever.
     Not going online in skype so often. (Like every few days instead of every day.)
     Leaning back when I do have chats with him, … trying to be more answering than asking questions. More feeling messages etc.
     Doing other things for me that keep him off my mind. Going to run. Playing my music. Doing efforts to find a job. Also chatting to other men and meeting other men.

     You mentioned you feel more distanced from SmartCD, why is that? I remember he had a divorce going on. Is he overwhelmed by that still?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:12am

215. 215: Emoticon says:

     ((((((((jasmine)))))))))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:19am

216. 216: Jasmine says:

     Thank you so much Esteemed and FW. I know what you say, I’ve done it a lot of times. I’ve stopped myself from doing things but I always go back to doing it. I do want to do things right this time, whether it implies losing him completely or getting him back. I just want to feel good about myself you know? Get rid of this stress and frustration and just enjoy myself the way I am instead of questioning about why I do this or what if I had done that.

     I haven’t got Rori’s ebook and programs cause I can’t afford them right now but I always read the articles. It is very relieving whenever I feel sad and read the material. I’m sure I found the right place, sometimes I talk to my friends about the way I feel but they’re not always helpful. They just give me straight drastic solutions but they don’t know what I feel. But I know you guys do. Thanks!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:24am

217. 217: Jasmine says:

     Girls you are so powerful! My only mistake is, whenever he gets a hold of me I am always resentful and act indifferent. I need some real therapy lol I’ve been doing things soooo wrong

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:28am

218. 218: Emoticon says:

     Jasmine I would just like to say that despite recent slip ups I feel proud that you leaned back for three weeks, because I know from experience that it feels impossible when you have such strong feelings for a man.

     Slip ups will happen from time to time and it’s not the end of the world and it doesnt mean you ARE desperate, we all FEEL desperate from time to time. All it means is that you felt desperate and leaned forward and that that is not what you would have ordinarily wanted to do. No big deal. Just go back to leaning back as soon as you catch yourself.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:31am

219. 219: ulii says:

     RE 202 Jasmine

     First, many hugs to you!!!

     Sometimes yes, not every post gets noticed or answered…as this blog moves forward so fast. But as you continue posting, you’ll find great advice here. And it’s a wonderful place to be sharing.

     I feel your pain. And I have been there.
     I have also been in the other side.

     Sometimes we think we can be friends with our ex romantic interests. And I believe we can sometimes, but really being in a place where we already have learned and grow so much that we don’t have other expectations than friendship. And it can be sensed in our vibe if we do. That can feel stressing & confusing, to us and to the other person involved. But with friends I would not like to feel stressed… or being told how is a right way of being friends. Usually you are friends, because you can be yourself with them…and you can feel relaxed with them. You are not counting how many interactions you have or who is starting .. at least I wouldn’t be. If I do that kind of thing, then I know I’m not over that person & still have romantic expectations. And for me it’s also a sign that maybe the best way is to not be in contact. At least until I am healed enough and let go my expectations. (Although then at that point I usually also start to feel bored with that person and he won’t be a friend either.)

     I think he is taking you for your word (to be friends). And acting like a casual friend would do (being friendly, wanting to have you as part of his life, asking you things like how to cook something..etc. And getting stressed and avoiding you when he senses that you do have other expectations than just to be friends. I think Rori has been writing a lot over this kind of scenario (I would maybe check the “From lovers to friends & back again” category of articles on this blog… ).

     I hope my words don’t sound too harsh to you.

     Sending much love to you!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:32am

220. 220: siren song says:

     being friends with an ex that i still love does not work for me. it feels awful!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:37am

221. 221: Emoticon says:

     Siren Song,
     Yes it does feel bad, but I just consider them a CD, but the fact that I’m leaning back, they never know you consider them a CD but sometimes start leaning forward and acting like one. Not a general rule or anything, just my experience.

     And Jasmine, it’s okay to feel angry and resentful sometimes because it’s hard to not feel that way when we are hurt, but it’s important to remain open to people.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:41am

222. 222: boasgirl says:

     @174 Linda

     I feel so angry reading your post – i believe i understand this rejection and how horrible it feels, even though i never experienced it in a relationship. I was bullied as a child, for years, being told how ugly and unatractive i was as I grew up, and i wasted so much of my life believeing it was true, which it isn’t, i now beginto realize, slowly …

     i believe your anger is very healthy, and a part of the healing process, as you say -

     you ARE a goddess, beautiful, and good smelling, i am sure

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:44am

223. 223: Esteemed says:

     This text between R and me is kinda lengthy, but it is very note worthy, so I am posting it! I feel like we turned a corner! I credit it to Rori’s tools at work and the inner healing in me as a result!!!

     Here is from Sunday, because what follows won’t make sense without it:

     July 2, 2012

     R: R u going 2 church?

     B: Yes, they’re having only the 5 pm service tonight. Are you ?

     R: Not sure yet

     B: I ought to answer that way too, when I am asked.

     R: Go ahead…or don’t answer.

     B: 

     B: But bears are supposed to be friendly.

     (2 hours later)

     B: Do you prefer friendly bears?

     (1.5 hours later)

     B: I feel left out in the cold when I encounter noncommunicative bears. I like it when bears operate as a team.

     (2 hours later)

     B: Hi, I really miss you

     B: That was not me. Henry was showing me something on my phone, and he talked to send a text message!

     R: Who’s Henry?

     B: He sabotaged it. He’s the guy who did magic tricks at the community center (where R and I met in 2007). Do you remember him?

     R: No. R u at the community center?

     B: My Mom and I went to the buffet and Henry was there with some of his friends from his church.

     B: We were praying for my Mom outside in the parking lot after we ate, and we’re all just hanging out in the parking lot.

     R: Cool

     B: Henry likes my Android. 

     R: I think I remember him. Didn’t he go there with his girlfriend, T?

     B: Yes!

     Now from Mon/Tue late night. I posted the first part of this last night, and here is what followed. This is the part that feels amazing!!!

     B: Do you want to text more now? Or another day? (he had told me on the phone that he was getting tired).

     R: Now if you want.

     R: I got more energy.

     B: Well I like to feel acknowledged. I feel valued when I hear either yes or no, even if no isn’t what I prefer to hear.

     R: What do you mean?

     B: Maybe you are not aware of this, but when I am asked, “Are you going to church?”, it kind of sets up an expectation right there at that moment.

     R: What’s that?

     B: This is a question I have been asked frequently. I feel weird in a Catch 22 like how do I answer that without feeling yucky????

     B: Because I feel yucky when I’m told “I’m not sure.” It would feel so good to hear, “Ok, terrific! I’ll see you there!”

     B: Or even if you’re not going, it would feel more harmonious to simply know. When I feel left up in the air, I feel yucky.

     R: Ok

     R: Ok

     B: Thanks. It starts out like I wonder if plans are being arranged. So I feel perplexed at the least and let down at the most.

     B: Not meaning to pound it, it’s just the girl talk where by nature I discuss the inns and outs.

     B: Thanks for letting me discuss that. Are we still cool?

     R: I was just curious if you were going and really not sure if I was.

     R: Yeah, that’s fine

     B: I see. Well, this is a series we have run thru many times. And when U R NEVER sure, I wonder if I’m being avoided when I don’t see you. And that kinda leaves me with pain in my heart, when I enjoy your company so much.

     R: Sorry

     R: I won’t do that anymore.

     B: It’s ok. Thanks for discussing it. I feel harmony when I have thorough communication with someone.

     R: Cool. Do U feel like we just communicated?

     B: Yes, and I feel warm in my middle.

     B: (LOL, not arousal warm, just happy).

     R:  How can I make you smile?

     B: You just did! B-)

     R: LOL

     B: You make me smile when you laugh, when you talk about love making, God, the Bi/ble, psychology, your inner self, and when you are so sweet and sensitive to me like this!

     R:  I like to always be sweet and sensitive and make a beautiful lady smile.

     B: You are so sweet!

     R:  I love being sweet. I want to be sweeter than candy.

     B: You have explored parts of my heart no one has ever taken the time to open. It feels good to feel so understood. You get me. That’s cute what you said!

     R: It’s such a travesty that you would even think I would try to hurt you even a little. A real travesty. Very sad.

     R: I try to be as much like Ch-r-st as possible.

     B: In general, those we love the most are capable of hurting us the most. In the present, I see vast growth and healing in both of us and I see your tender heart…and it is quite beautiful!

     B: I have never wanted to hurt you in any way, either.

     R: Thanks.

     B: You’re welcome. I like the real you.

     B: Your heart is rich! Is it also sleepy?

     R: It’s a very sore point for me that you believe I tried to hurt you.

     B: We have had such a wonderful, harmonious night talking. I don’t wanna lose that good feeling, ok? As always, I feel open to discussing the past if you choose to…in person.

     B: What do you think? Impersonal text is not the venue for this.

     R: Well, if we r going to have any long-term friendship, we r going to have to straighten it out. If we don’t, I can’t be ur friend.

     B: I have longed for that and opened the door for that at every turn. I have left it in your hands to discuss when you are ready. You say when and where, and I will be there.

     R: Ok, we’ll have to do that soon. I think I’m going to the shore for a few days. When I get back.

     B: Ok terrific. Lucky you going to the shore!

     R: Thanks

     B: Good night, precious man

     R: Good night

     B: I believe in you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:45am

224. 224: Tam says:

     220+221..Ladies, my jury is still out on the ex’s, because some of my best friends now were ex-boyfriends (2 of them), and I just can’t remember when the attraction stopped but perhaps the clue is that I finished both of those relationships….so I had already detached myself from them..in a way.

     I had come to a point where even MrU was just a friend…and I was dating (exclusively) somebody else…but lo and behold, love always shines through, no matter how much our heads try to rule our hearts. This is why every time I think ‘ah, I am over him and don’t even want him as a bf’ and I start acting like it – very nonchalant – it drives him crazy, and he is on my case again and the whole thing starts from the beginning. So the jury is still out as to if it can work with this guy, I am curbing contact to bare minimum (maybe nothing for months) until I worked it out.

     It isn’t easy losing a good friend either…but sometimes necessary…

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:47am

225. 225: Calypso says:

     FW – I actually thought of you last night on my way home – I knew you would say that – lol! I’m sure you are right in some ways – i did not give us enough time and why didn’t i, because I don’t really want to let him or anyone else close to me, so . . . if he doesn’t smell right . . . NEXT! Lol – I hear you . . .

     I’m just not going to spend my evenings driving to see someone who makes me feel like I’m kissing my grandpa . . . plus he smokes, has nasty looking teeth and a comb over . . . trust me on this one . . .

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:56am

226. 226: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     217 – “My only mistake is, whenever he gets a hold of me I am always resentful and act indifferent.”

     I understand, and this is where Rori’s tools are so valuable! She helped me realize I had such inner pain and I needed so much healing that the issue went far beyond R! So I gradually started to work on myself, and I found that it really was about learning to love myself.

     How would it feel next time he contacts you to physically lean back? Like if you are on the phone, go lay down on the sofa, being conscious of your body’s feelings and your heart’s feelings? Then when he asks what you have been up to, how would it feel to just flow with the moment and enjoy your fresh start? You could say, “I feel so relaxed laying here petting my kitty cat.” Or I feel a little tense after a tough day at work, and now I feel a little better after resting a while.”

     Try to put your answer to basic “How are you?” or “What are you doing?” questions in terms of how you feel. A good way to break thru the inner walls that keep us prickly and cold toward a man is to practice with inanimate objects.

     For example, you could hold a flower while you are alone, and just talk out loud about the feelings you experience while holding that flower! Or go outside and sit with your back leaning against a tree trunk. Say out loud or write how you feel at that moment. This is how I gradually got in touch with my real feelings.

     Feelings are everything, and they are like a thermometer to a doctor. They indicate what is going on inside.

     When R contacts me, I feel a jolt of joy! I feel a little giddy and sometimes a little nervous, for fear I will make a (nother!) mistake! I have trained myself to go into relaxation, and i will physically lean back when he starts texting me. That reminds me to lean back emotionally, to let him lead the conversation, and to bring a positive, feminine energy to the conversation!

     Practice is what will help. Can you practice at a coffee shop or a bookstore with other men? Just simply start by practicing smiling and eye contact. If a man talks to you, practice a simple feeling message.

     How are you?

     I feel happy reading about my favorite hobby, (fill in the blank).

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:57am

227. 227: Emoticon says:

     Wow Esteemed, I am intrigued by your openness and vulnerability with R.

     I noticed a pattern in my thinking which probably limits my own openness. While reading it when you tod him how certain things made u feel, I clammed up like omg no don’t say it he will pull away, omg no he will see it as drama, etc. why am I worried about that when I should just be open to expressing feelings when they come up

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:59am

228. 228: boasgirl says:

     Jasmine, i can totally relate to your story, i have been in similar places and i know how terrible it can feel.

     Whatever you do, stop beating yourself up! Don’t call yourself stupid or desperate – you are not! You are a woman in love, and you deserve love, so be compassionate with yourself and give yourself a lot of what you need.

     Linda, I am sure one day you will find a man who reflects your beauty back to you -

     I am sure I will too -

     (((Jasmine)))

     (((Linda)))

     (((Me)))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:04am

229. 229: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso — eewww

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:06am

230. 230: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     227 – Thank you! It has been a very long process to get to this point with him! In the past, talking about his asking me “Are you going to church?” and then never giving me a yes or a no for himself was a major source of contention!

     In the past, I got wild and wooly with him about it, and we often ended up in a fight! The “bear” approach was to mix in a little humor, because he knows I like bears and it is kind of a joke between us. Then continuing it last night astounded me that it didn’t get tense!

     And that he asked me to teach him how to be harmonious! That was a first!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:07am

231. 231: Jasmine says:

     Ulii,

     You don’t sound harsh at all, I have thought about what you’re saying. And this is so confusing. The thing is, whenever I cut him out completely (this implies NOT even being friends) he shows up again. That’s what aggravates me, he knows I don’t want to hear from him again and that I am hurt, so why does he do that. I do have feelings for him and he knows it. But yeah I guess he’s just trying to be my friend. Sadly. So now comes the inquiry Ulii, since I am still deeply in love with him, should I ignore him when he talks to me or just be open and warm?

     Hugs!!

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:09am

232. 232: Emoticon says:

     I want to share a beautiful moment I had alone yesterday.

     I got to work like an hour early so decided to go to the diner across the street for breakfast. It was there that I recognized so much healing and improvement in myself. I can be very aggressive at times. And I am allergic to banana. I had ordered a wafe with fruit on it and they put strawberries and bananas on it. In the past I would have probably felt anger and irritation, but yesterday I only felt compassion for my waitress. I started taking the banana off and she brought me a little plate to put it on.

     Then I thanked her and saw this pretty artificial flower to the side of my table. I brought it to the middle of the table and since I was facing the door, the light hit it and it just looked magical. I was in love with that yellow flower.

     Very small story, but very significant to me. My baby steps have really brought me a long way from where I was to where I am now able to feel compassion for others when things don’t necessarily go my way.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:09am

233. 233: Emoticon says:

     Boasgirl I love it, we are not stupid or desperate at all. No matter now desperate we feel sometimes.we do not need to label ourself, especially not negatively like that.

     Jasmine, love love love to you, and I feel confident that you WILL feel better in time, also that the relationship. Btwn u and ur guy will get better whether as friends or lovers because you are love,l and that’s why you act so passionately.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:13am

234. 234: Dancing Siren says:

     Hopeful,

     I have only read up to post 49 so I don’t know what others said to you or what else you may have posted since then, and I jus wanted to share my expereince as I am/was in a similar position.

     I am with someone who has/had alcohol issues.

     I used a combination of the CRAFT (for family and friends based on SMART recovery) method and Rori’s teachings.

     My man is now seeing a Counsellor.

     And I know what it feels like to really, really want them to go to that meeting.

     But that approach can cause frustration in itself, because it means we are trying to control an outcome, and their actions.

     Another Siren said to me it might be better to build my boundaries around behaviour I can see… stuff like how he is when he is with me.

     Like I might put in a boundary around that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking. Well actually I did that months ago and he pretty much never drinks around me anymore.

     But also stuff like how he treats me, and how that feels.

     And it sounds like you have already started to do that by insisting that while you will hear his anger, you are not going to allow him to offload it on you!

     Bravo, well done.

     All I would add is maybe don’t get too hooked up on whether he does attend the meetings or not (easier said than done I know). I had it as a boundary for a while, that I knew I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t go see someone, but that was because I felt so strongly about it.

     And I drove myself mad wondering if he was going… whether he was telling the truth, and feeling stressed about whether he would carry on going.

     Until the Siren on here suggested dropping all that, and instead focusing on his behaviour with me.

     That just eased everything for me.

     It is still very much work in process, but what I would say is don’t assume because he doesn’t follow the course of action YOU think he should take that it means he isn’t going to sort it out.

     It worked better in my case when my man chose his own treatment.

     But the key is to stay tuned in, so you can monitor how you feel with him.

     Whatever he chooses to do if how you feel around him keeps improving then you guys are on the right track.

     However, if you continue to feel bad not so much.

     Does this make sense?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:13am

235. 235: Tam says:

     225 Calypso…we trust you on that one. NEXT!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:15am

236. 236: Esteemed says:

     Emoticon,

     232 – That’s beautiful! Yay for you!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:16am

237. 237: Jasmine says:

     Wow that’s sweet Esteemed. Although I agree with Emoticon, I would never open up like that to my boy because I always thought that guys don’t like deep emotional talks.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:17am

238. 238: Emoticon says:

     Yes Esteemed, I felt very warm reading that he asked u that. It came across as very sweet to me.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:22am

239. 239: Calypso says:

     FW – LOL! I know! His pic on POF was from too far away to know all of that and he was wearing a hat in the pic. He wore a John deer hat last night and he kept putting it on and taking it off and every time he took it off, his comb over would stick to it and flop around – I wanted to get a razor and give him a buzz cut as an act of mercy . . .

     I think I get brownie points for letting him kiss me good night . . . He was very nice and I was nice to him in my email this morning that we were not a match. he said he picked up on that last night at the end – guess my reaction to his kiss was not worth that brownie point afterall . . .

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:23am

240. 240: Jasmine says:

     Thank you Boasgirl, I’ll start to be compassionate with myself. I clearly beat my self up a lot just for feeling the way I feel. But yeah, feelings are part of us, that’s right.

     Esteemed, I love the way you talk. I need to stop blocking my mind and just talk… cause even if I don’t talk to him when he gets a hold of me (if he does) I will be doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll probably just need to relax and stop expecting. If he wants to talk I just need to talk. Stop overthinking, or just overfunctioning. Because I do need to heal inside.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:25am

241. 241: Femininewoman says:

     Congrats Dominique

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:27am

242. 242: Femininewoman says:

     I want to be clear though that it’s not about me finally having my happily ever after. I already have this. I have felt secure and safe and filled up in our love for years. As K said, we love each other very much and decided we want to be together forever a long time ago.

     http://sexandheart.com/we-got-married

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:30am

243. 243: Emoticon says:

     Thatnk you Esteemed

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:31am

244. 244: Dancing Siren says:

     Ummm, I had a weird morning with S.

     I decided not to go and see him last night as it was late and I felt tired.

     He has been doing a LOT of stuff for me recently.

     I have done a few things to give back (like cooking dinner on Sunday).

     So last night via messages he was all gushy. We made a plan for a breakfast date this morning, well he planned it all. And I needed something from his house so he offered to bring it to me first.

     Well he was half an hour late. I felt a tinsy bit irritated, not much, but enough to notice. I said I had been expecting him earlier, and it turned out there as a miscommunication, so I let it go.

     Then he as all gushy and wanting to cuddle and stuff. I was gushy/cuddly too.

     And then I asked if he would help me with my new phone (he had already offered). He had a look and then I realised we needed to go to breakfast or I would be late for work.

     I had to take my car too… as I was following him in his car I caught myself that I had been a bit in boy mode, and resolved to soften up for our breakfast.

     But when we got to the place he was already distant and I felt his energy had turned away, and immediately I felt leany forward.

     But I caught myself, sat and riffed and leant back.

     Then I said how it had felt so good cuddling with him earlier. And how I had missed him, and then that I felt a bit weird and lonely sitting there.

     Normally he would reach out and touch me, although I have noticed a few times when we are eating out in public he is less attentive.

     Well he didn’t.

     Also, I noticed he was picking at me about stuff.

     It was very subtle.

     Like when I said I was craving avacado he rolled his eyes and said that was weird.

     Then he said there were flies, and they were buzzing around me.

     I don’t know what triggered me about this. I know he was joking saying specifically that they were buzzing around *me* but there was something in the undertone that felt like a jibe and I didn’t like it so I leant back, pulled a pouty face and said “That feels bad”

     He just looked at me then rolled his eyes again and said ‘anyone else would have just brushed the flies away!’

     I said ‘This feels bad and I don’t want to be here’

     Him ‘what are you talking about, what is wrong now’ with kind of an irritated, here she goes again tone.

     Me, gathering up my things ‘I am going to go to work now’

     Him, gets up and pays and the says ‘I will walk you to your car’

     Me ‘ok’

     Then we are walking. I am quiet, processing.

     Him ‘So what time do you finish tonight, I will cook some dinner’

     I said I was unsure if I was coming round tonight. He asked why and I said cus things were feeling bad to me atm and I don’t want to be spoken to that way (leaning back and looking him in the eye).

     Him ‘I don’t know what you mean!’ in an increduloous tone and a load of other stuff reasoning about why I was being illogical.

     Him ‘spoken to like what?’

     Me ‘I don’t like the feeling of being picked at’

     Him ‘by me??’

     Me ‘I don’t like the feeling of being picked at. I don’t want to be spoken to like that. It feels bad’

     I sensed he was about to leave so I stepped back ready to go into my car.

     Then he also turned and walked away saying ‘see you later’ no particular tone but p8ssed off body language.

     I got in my car and drove to work.

     I felt shaky, and then later angry.

     And not mostly calm, and sometimes a bit anxious about what will happen now.

     But dropping the relationship ball.

     He is due to see his therapist this afternoon.

     I don’t know if he will go or not. I kind of feel ok about this. It is up to him.

     I don’t really know what happened today.

     But I think I handled it ok.

     I sometimes doubt myself and wonder if I am making up drama. But I think that is more of a doubting NV in myself, rather than the truth.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:33am

245. 245: Dancing Siren says:

     Oh, also, recently I have been asking him if he would mind helping me with some stuff too, and I wonder if I have gone a bit far, and it might have felt demanding.

     But I don’t know.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:35am

246. 246: Emoticon says:

     Congrats Dominique

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:37am

247. 247: Emoticon says:

     You are our Carrie Bradshaw

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:37am

248. 248: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed ~ I sooo went through something very similliar to what you’re experiencing. It nearly drove me to the point of insanity. Lol, you seem to be so patient which I find amazing!!

     I used to always be picking him up and telling him wonderful anf great he was. I look bqck now and i feel very scared about how I acted because I gave so much but recieved nothing in return. I have a real issue with men that keep us hanging on.

     But you are so calm, relaxed and positive. Maybe that is the secret. I find texting so stressful if it’s having long conversations.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:37am

249. 249: ulii says:

     RE 231 Jasmine

     Actually, I don’t know an answer.. I mean, I struggle with this myself. Ignoring.. or talking trying feeling messages & being soft and open.

     I would maybe incline towards ignoring if I know for him it is only friends thing, and I’d feel not ok with it and hurting. And if it has not been a too long relationship. Meaning, there are not much value he has added to my life besides being the romantic partner.

     I would try the other approach if I still see him interested in me romantically, but there might be other issues he is having. Like lot of work, family problems… And if I feel strong enough and capable of not expecting anything. But in this case also I would always lean back. Not initiating anything.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:39am

250. 250: Starla says:

     So I actually LITERALLY put on boxing gloves every morning. It’s taken all the “fight” out of me in the rest of my life. I feel so powerful from being able to physically fight like a pro, that I don’t feel the “fight” urge in regular, verbal life. The proverbial boxing gloves never get put to use. And they certainly never “come off.” Mostly, when others would feel inspired to fight, I just feel bored, or curious.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:46am

251. 251: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine and Emoticon,

     R is more open to discussing emotional things than the average man. But it has been a very long path to get to this point. This level of talking did NOT just happen overnight. I feel amazed at how connected I felt with him last night!

     I felt sad when he took it to me thinking he hurt me in 2009 (Jasmine, FYI, he gave me a fake proposal, and it was the deepest I’ve ever been hurt by another person. He gave me every reason to believe he was about to propose and instead called a special meeting to say it is just a friendship, I am not in love with you. it took me two years to heal from that.)

     but wow, now that we have this positive vibe going, I hope it will continue, even if we discuss the tuff stuff.

     I wish he would have invited me to the shore.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:48am

252. 252: CurvySiren10 says:

     Calypso, you seemed so into this guy before meeting him. I would love to hear what happened when you met. Was it just total disappointment about the looks? Did you know he smoked? Did his personality transform face-to-face vs. the phone personality? I feel very curious to hear more details on this but I totally understand the feeling. Been there, done that …and feel very grateful to not be doing it now, lol. (Just got engaged…)

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:50am

253. 253: Starla says:

     My punches and kicks are getting so strong. I feel really inspired by Sheridyn Fisher, who is a playboy model, but beyond that, an incredible athlete who follows a very clean lifestyle and is a kickboxer.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:51am

254. 254: Rebecca says:

     Dancing Siren ~ wow, this is the most real dialogue I have read on the blog since I have joined!!

     I sooo relate to this…

     Thank you for sharing!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:51am

255. 255: Rebecca says:

     Dancing Siren ~ wow, this is the most real dialogue I have read on the blog since I have joined!!

     I sooo relate to this…

     Thank you for sharing!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:51am

256. 256: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     248 – Thank you! I am in love with him, and that is why I may seem patient. Love is a powerful force.

     Rori says not to get too hung up with any one man. So I am doing my best to CD and it feels good to be able to not hyperfocus on him so much, altho I still tend to do it. I felt a lil fake telling him my world doesn’t orient around him, LOL, and denying that I was emailing about him! Haha! If only he knew half of what I say! I would feel mortified if he ever discovered this website!

     Anyway, baby steps, and I am not nearly as obsessed with him as I was! Sure do love him, tho!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:56am

257. 257: Shar lean way back says:

     Congratulations Dominique!

     Details please

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:02am

258. 258: Linda says:

     Boasgirl: THank you. I have always felt attractive until I had been with him a while.

     My anger.. I just dont know what to do with it. I have always been taught to put your anger where it belongs and not vent on someone else. In my case I will never speak to receive any communication from this man again. I am at a loss.

     I do hope that there is such a man out there.. one that will relect my beauty.

     Linda

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:09am

259. 259: Dominique says:

     Jasmine – #231 -You always want to be open and warm, even when he’s not in your presence. It’s the leaning forward, the anxiety, the acting from desperation which needs to be discarded.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:11am

260. 260: ulii says:

     @ Calypso, Femininewoman

     I have these doubts about attraction and being a match. And how and if we can notice it and decide about it.

     Where are the limits? I hear a lot here that “the attraction can build over time” for us women. Ok.. I agree with this, because I have experienced it. I have experienced that some guy I have not noticed before starts suddenly to make me feel all excited. Maybe some thing he said, a masculine way he behaved.. And I have experienced during a long term relationship, how when I though all the attraction was already lost, I suddenly could be completely turned on by some way of my ex’s caring behavior. So I get that the attraction can be created from zero in no big time. But…..

     If you are cd-ing many men. And there is somebody you feel neutral about.. Should I put my time & energy into it?

     And if there are details about someone that directly feel irritating and disgusting? Should I still give them a chance? I have been pondering about this and feeling confused.

     I try not to be too judging about a man’s looks in the beginning. Accept his approaches and go to a date. Even if he doesn’t look attractive to me in the photos, and even if I know he is probably shorter than I would dream of.. And even when he admits he is an occasional smoker (I have a boundary of never living with a smoker…although I have seen people trying to quit smoking after I have told them that.)… although that usually means bad teeth and bad mouth-smell.

     So… right now there is a cd in my life, i would call him NiceGuy…. that I feel in the middle territory with. He is also long distance. From a town I used to live with my ex in Spain. But I met him here in Estonia (he contacted me via dating site just to get to know the town…and I met him in 2 occasions some months ago, kissed him while being little dipsy…and ever since then he has been in contact although I was not too interested. And few weeks ago he came to see me again for a week, and he is looking for a job in my country and other places…and talking about us all the time and how he would arrange us to live together. The thing is I am still not really interested at all. I didn’t feel we are a match. And I’m starting to feel guilty letting him talk about all this plans.

     He is really good in physical touch though, so I get some thrills going on inside me when I am actually close to him and he puts his arm around me. Even kissing was quite good. And he is a lot taller than me (which feels good to me). But there are things that irritate me a lot. And thinking about him from a distance doesn’t make me miss him, rather the opposite. And he talking of “us” is starting to feel suffocating. I don’t like his laugh, and the way of speaking and making funny noises while he speaks. I don’t like he has too much hair in his face & his eyebrows that are so thick.. And a bad body posture. And that he has no musical hear but still tries to play violin and wants me to teach him. I felt so impatient and annoyed… and drained from the day we tried to play some tunes together…

     I feel so shallow and guilty writing this. But these are things that are a big deal, because in everyday contact it would trigger me all the time. And I can’t tell him don’t laugh like that, or stand up more straight.. But, these things kill the attraction for me.

     So, should I give him a chance regardless of how he irritates me? I don’t really want to.

     I think I have to tell him soon that we are not a match in my opinion. I feel I’m leading him on by letting him continue to fantasize about our future.

     Up until now I have been using feeling messages with him and been also honest in answering whatever questions he asks. I have said it doesn’t feel good if he calls too much. Or if he speaks using “us”. And that I feel I want to be free and meet other people. And his answer is that he understands and accepts that. And tries not to be too smothering. But he still likes me and still continues in contact and talking about coming to see me again. I feel I have been too unclear about it maybe.

     Do I really need to tell him the exact reasons why I don’t find us to be a match?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:14am

261. 261: Dominique says:

     Many of you already know this, and thank you for the warm wishes above, K and I got married this past weekend. Really it was not a big deal, and the excerpt Femininewoman copied above outlines this well.

     It was sweet and thankfully very short.

     Sadly, maybe happily, we got the sickness part out of the way the same night.l Fortunately we had our wedding night that the morning.

     Details more or less are here thought not the sickness part:

     http://sexandheart.com/we-got-married#comment-2008

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:17am

262. 262: Jasmine says:

     oh wow Esteemed. That should’ve been really hard. I wouldn’t imagine how hurt you were. So you broke up in 2009, how did you end up being back together?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:21am

263. 263: Jasmine says:

     Thank you Dominique. I will keep it in mind. I do need to start discarding my anxiety. Thanks a lot!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:22am

264. 264: ulii says:

     Congratulations Dominique!!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:34am

265. 265: Dominique says:

     Another thing Jasmine – You want to share of yourself, your feeling, your vulnerable heart, but you don’t want to make a big deal out of it. You don’t want to sit him down and spill all, the good, the not so good. This all wants to come out naturally and organically as you learn to express yourself and make it about you, not him.

     Heart-to-hearts are few and only for when something serious is on your mind.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:36am

266. 266: Starla says:

     “One of the other common mistakes to avoid is playing mind games with the man you are trying to date. Some women put so much importance on the outcome of their dating relationships that every interaction with a man is a do-or-die situation. The problem with this is that you over-think and over-analyze the act of getting a man to like you that you end up too flustered to hold a conversation.”

     gahahahahah, this was me. it might still be me.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:38am

267. 267: Dominique says:

     Thank you ulii, Femininewoman, shar lean way back, Emoticon.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:38am

268. 268: Esteemed says:

     Dominique,

     261 – Check you out, Siren woman! Congratulations!!! I feel very surprised and happy!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:42am

269. 269: Calypso says:

     Ulii – I personally never get into the “reasons” – that (for me) is blaming them for somethign that is probably more of an issue with me – no need to tear a man down when the qualities I find unattractive may be perfect for his real match.

     I have to listen to the voice inside me – if it is screaming that I do not want physical cointact with a man, then I am not going to string him along and keep having him spend money on me. I may have issues letting someone get close to me on the inside, but i don’t have a problem letting someone get physically close to me if the chemistry is there. If it isn’t, I’m not going to put myself through anything that I feel ike I have to “endure” . . . I did that for the last several years of my marriage – never again!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:46am

270. 270: CurvySiren10 says:

     SO excited about this news Dominique. CONGRATS!!! (again!) I know it’s not a big change for you two, but it’s touched me a lot personally…and given me a lot to think about.

     Your relationship with K is a huge inspiration to me. (and others…I am sure)

     xoxo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:47am

271. 271: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     262 – “So you broke up in 2009, how did you end up being back together?”

     It has been a very painful, confusing, vulnerable, grotesque path that has led us to where we are…friends, LOL.

     He kept coming back my direction after I sent him condemning, critical, accusing texts and just sent about 30 texts a day, many times over! it was just a miracle because he was far from being the only one at fault!

     My story is strewn throughout the pages of Rori’s blog over the past 2.5 years. But that’s it in short. I think only a Soul Mate would have kept coming back after all the garbage I threw in his path!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:49am

272. 272: siren song says:

     curvy siren,

     did you recently get engaged, or am i making that up?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:49am

273. 273: lilybelly says:

     Um Curvy… Congrats to you as well!!

     Saw you on Dominique’s blog but didn’t want to say anything here until you spoke up! I’m good at keeping secrets.

     Wonderful news!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:50am

274. 274: Calypso says:

     CurveySiren10 – I asked myself those same hard questions on my hour and a half drive home last night. How could I be so attracted to him online and sort of disgusted with him in person? I think I created this idea of him – the strong, tall, farmer and he also reminded me of GM in the way he talked, so since the picture wasn’t clear, I think I sort of turned him into a different version of GM – my bad! Lol

     I was actually shocked when I saw him. He looked so old and run down and even though he said he smoked “occasionally” online, he smoked a pack while we were together last night – even when we went for a walk in the park.

     To me, smell is very important. No cologn, but th etrue scent of a man – he smelled bad to me – not like sweat – just not a good scent for me.

     When he kissed me, I tasted the cigarettes and inhailed something that just did not make me feel good about being with him . . . Like I said – sort of like kissing my grandpa – all wrong!!!

     NEXT!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:51am

275. 275: Emoticon says:

     Congrats Curvy Siren

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:55am

276. 276: Emoticon says:

     Who on the blog smokes loud or knows about smoking herb and singing

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:05am

277. 277: Jasmine says:

     hahahahah that was funny Starla, but you’re right.

     Dominique,
     you are very right. I’ve been really good at making big deals out of not-so-important things and I easily get hung up. And yes, I have also made everything about him and forgot about myself most of the time.

     I do have a lot to work on but you guys’ words are so encouraging and inspiring . I just love it!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:09am

278. 278: Jasmine says:

     Emoticon,

     233 – that is so sweet!! What you said there was just beautiful. Thank you!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:11am

279. 279: CurvySiren10 says:

     272 Siren song, yes a little over 3 weeks ago.

     273 Lilybelly, thank you so much! i’m so happy but also confused~ and Dominique’s post on her blog really helped me. I’m going to post the whole story here soon…I could use Siren input, but yes- VERY happy!!

     274 Calypso, thanks for explaining. It makes sense. And is also a great testament about how we tend to gather up all of these expectations when we “click” online. My guy and I spend 3 very intense days online and the phone leading up to our meeting. When we met, we were both REALLY worked up about it and it turned out that HE was a little disappointed. (I wasn’t at all) But we kinda worked through that (lonnnggg story behind this that I will share here soon) and now here we are, committed and definitely in the “relationship I (we) want”. Good lessons for you though. Love your attitude; very healthy!

     274 Emoticon, thank you!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:12am

280. 280: CurvySiren10 says:

     Ugh typos! edited to change spend, to spent.

     and it was post 275 Emoticon, not 274.

     

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:14am

281. 281: Jasmine says:

     ohh Esteemed,

     I totally had misunderstood you! I thought you were back together. But as far as it sounds, it’s going on the right direction. I do hope you guys get there, and be glad now that you know you won’t make the same mistakes!! Btw have you been circular dating ever since?

     Proud of you,

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:14am

282. 282: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso – eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

     I can’t do the cigarette thing. I get headaches.
     Your experience is a lesson that no matter what we think, attraction and chemistry cannot be built online. It takes a combination of things, including smell to do that.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:19am

283. 283: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso – eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

     I can’t do the cigarette thing. I get headaches.
     Your experience is a lesson that no matter what we think, attraction and chemistry cannot be built online. It takes a combination of things, including smell to do that.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:19am

284. 284: Femininewoman says:

     Starla me too. I recently got flustered in conversation talking about my sexuality and sensuality. But I don’t care. I am going to talk until I stop getting flustered. Each time I share feelings I normally hide it feels like I turn around and look at myself square in the face. As if I have stopped running away from myself.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:22am

285. 285: Jasmine says:

     Btw what does CD mean? I’ve seen it in a lot of comments.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:23am

286. 286: Jasmine says:

     What I like about this blog is that as you write about your own experience you realize what you’ve been doing wrong and even see things more clearly. It’s a good exercise and a great way to catch ourselves. And of course, we are all beautiful. Cheers!!

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:33am

287. 287: Femininewoman says:

     CD – circular date

     One of the things most of us do wrong is follow the one man at a time plan but Rori encourages dating at least 3 at a time to avoid become laser focussed on one and what he does.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:40am

288. 288: ReceivingGirl says:

     Hi Sirens!!

     I haven’t been able to get on the blog for a few days now. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mr. Observant and work has been crazy.

     I just had to tell you, yesterday, he said to me, “I feel all warm & fuzzy.” And I almost giggled cause I was thinking of all you wonderful ladies, this blog, feeling messages and how he’s totally mirroring mine. It’s cute!

     His divorce is turning ugly, but he’s been staying really positive and upbeat, so that is good. Also, I have a greater understanding of what was going on with him. He’s been trying to explain it all to me. He sees his bipolar as a gift and it helps him live his life better. It’s very interesting.

     I have really good feelings about this one and he literally is the male version of me in sooo many ways. I think that is exactly what I needed…someone who is able to “get” me.

     I hope all is well with all of you!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 11:47am

289. 289: Femininewoman says:

     OMG RG

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:05pm

290. 290: ReceivingGirl says:

     Thinking = Chasing

     This is very hard for me. I’ve been doing pretty good with “not chasing” and allowing him to lead. I’ve had a couple lapses, but the thinking thing still gets me. I have also gone to him 2 times.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:16pm

291. 291: Tam says:

     RG – it all sounds good for you?!

     Is it Rockstar, when I need help, to say:
     ‘happy 4th July, hope all is well. I would like to ask for your help, i think you were right with your suggestion of xyz, could you please
     give me ‘soandso’s’ contact details? Thank you!’
     Just like that? I don’t want anything with feelings or romance or chasing-sounding, I do really just need help and someone’s contact details…..pffff.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:42pm

292. 292: Brandylion says:

     I went for a run this morning, and I’ve been noticing all morning that my sides and shoulders are a little sore. I’m trying to figure out why, since I don’t really use them for running. It’s because I did some yoga last night, and I haven’t since last October!

     It’s a little soreness, like a “hey, those muscles got used!” pain, not like an intrusive, keeping-me-from-my-daily-business pain.

     I will remember this next time I hurt over PriestCD or any man. It’s a “hey, my heart got used to give love!” pain. It doesn’t have to be a keeping-me-from-my-daily-business pain.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:47pm

293. 293: ReceivingGirl says:

     @291 Tam

     Yes & I’m trying not to let my “it too good to be true” thoughts flow through!

     What if you just keep it simple with, “Happy 4th of July. Would you please send me soandso’s contact info? Thank you!”

     No feelings, just business. I don’t feel you need to explain why or even say you need help, it seems like it would be clear without an explanation. What do you think?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:56pm

294. 294: ulii says:

     RE 292 Brandylion

     Wow! I love this metaphor.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:56pm

295. 295: Daria says:

     I am the majestic Daria

     no one can fuchk w me

     that sounds not open

     mm open is

     i am peace

     i am huge peace

     that everyone is a part of

     im rough cats tongue peace

     im cheese squeezed thru a cloth

     im fresher than the pea seed out the pod

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

296. 296: Daria says:

     what i love with men right now is im getting about “getting my emotional needs met by multiple men, from the men around me”

     anywhere i am

     its interaction with the “river of men”

     in general

     not with a particular man

     how open am i being

     right now with no man around?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

297. 297: Tereana says:

     I feel a little annoyed with myself…I was at a very cool, sexy museum exhibit today, and it made me think of V. I was nervous to do it, but I decided to text him anyway. So I did. And he texted back.

     It was all find and good until he said something I liked (I sent him a picture). And instead of sending just a smiley back, as was my first impulse, I texted *another* picture. Then a comment with a smiley. Then, when he still didn’t respond, I asked him to excuse my enthusiasm. Excuse my enthusiasm??? What am I talking about? I don’t want him to “excuse” me at all! I want him to accept me exactly as I am, which is awesome and perfect and amazing and sexy. He knows that. I just don’t think he knows really how sexy I am. He sees sexy on the surface. And that’s great. But my sexy is so much deeper than that…

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:05pm

298. 298: Daria says:

     the air feels toxic

     what if the air could feel good

     waht if i didnt know about the air

     what if waht i didnt knwo felt good

     i memorized this from rori

     goooo me

     now it feels good

     smokey w cigarettes… ANd good

     wow

     yummy

     it almost smells like watermelon

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:07pm

299. 299: Daria says:

     so wen someone sounds SO invested and i feel terrified for them cuz it sounds like its not gonna work and they’re TOO invested and sound like its gonna crash down if they dont change their perspective

     what do i feel?

     i feel panicked, scared, apprehension, anxiety, tingling all across my back, tight trhoat

     novacaine cheeks droopy

     mmm

     wow im paying attention to ME!

     instead of giving advice

     its all abotu ME!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:11pm

300. 300: Daria says:

     omg omg im feeling so challenged by this in all aspects of my life

     what am i feeling

     anxiety panic

     also pleasure relaxation and smilyness

     hehee

     soup

     im openign my arms to my man HEALTH

     and my man MONEY

     and my man MAN

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:17pm

301. 301: Daria says:

     I do! Emoticon

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:20pm

302. 302: Daria says:

     Smoking gives my voice a raspy “smoky” vibration i like it mucho and i am starting to sing for the first times ever in my life… i love smoking for the artistic inspiration and emotional and spiritual power… and that feels awesome in my singing and dancing and whatevering

     If i wanted crystal clear notes it might mellow that down and make them more ‘earthy’

     i experiment what works for myself. yes it does have an effect for me, an also i can use any effect to vote for me

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:26pm

303. 303: Daria says:

     Dancing Siren – omg so awesome! thats how i do it too!

     yay go girl! you so stayed with yourself yay 1

     i feel so happy

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:33pm

304. 304: siren song says:

     guy who loves me just emailed me about my mum. she’s sick in the hospital. that felt nice.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

305. 305: goldenflower says:

     173: Linda
     Hi Linda, I was tring to send this earlier today but then my stupid work system decided to start filtering the page. Sometimes it blocks some of the pages. Hope you are releasing the anger in some way. I find going to some hills myself and screaming actually helps! Otherwise the ounching of pillows or get a bat and hit the pillows with it. Just sm ideas.

     I came across this on the blog recently and think it helps, even if not directly applicable to your situation:
     http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/sexy-warrior-woman-you/

     I have a hard time expressing anger too, but actually have a hot temper naturally.
     As i know too well, it is so awful to realise in hindsight how disempowered you became through a relationship. But maybe a way to see it is to be grateful you are free from this person now. The lessons you learnt will be useful for you in redressing any energetic mismatches in future. You will heal yourself and come through this as the strong spirit you are, in full balance and in your authentic self. It is good to be angry , it is how you feel. And rightly so. This too will pass. Go you, you are glorious.

     (((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

306. 306: Tam says:

     siren song, what’s the state of play with you and guy who loves you?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

307. 307: Emoticon says:

     Daria, I’m finding that all my notes are stil clear maybe an hour afterwards. But my low notes are more audible and my lower range has expanded. I like this. I just experimented earlier today. That’s awesome news the way my voice is responding to it, I hope it doesn’t change long term.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

308. 308: siren song says:

     tam,

     we don’t really have anything going on. i hear he’s dating other women (although that’s just a rumour) and we don’t really talk. he stil emails me 3 times a week. i haven’t leaned forwardf with him in almost 3 weeks. he was really angry for a long time, so i’ve been leaning WAY WAY WAY back.

     it does feel nice to have someone check in on things, even if he’s not my man anymore.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

309. 309: Tam says:

     293 – Thank you RG, well yes, good suggestion…might just do that, just trying not to sound rude either…or cold. Just to simply be myself and actually not to care how it is received. Hm.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

310. 310: Daria says:

     omg! doing this lefkoe belief shift process and its SO making me feel good in the moment!

     and probably permanently

     omg!

     earasing my conditioning to fears!

     right now i earsed my panic anxiety around when things arent going the way i think they SHOULd be going

     including in other peoples situations in the blog and afor me int he blog in general

     hehe

     omg this ROCKS

     i DO recommend the lefkoe process but the energy still has to also move through the body so lots of BOdy stretches

     i fel sad thinking that cuz im nto doing them im gonna now do the Lefkoe on that

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:50pm

311. 311: Tam says:

     ok siren song…seems he cares a lot, 3 times a week even just emailing shows that he does and all the little gestures. Does he always initiate? (sorry this sounds like I am interrogating and saying: ‘give him a chance’ , when clearly you said it doesn’t work)

     The way you write about him, I sense good vibes coming from him but maybe I am just a sucker for slightly damaged men…no idea!!!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:52pm

312. 312: ReceivingGirl says:

     @26 Lilybelly

     I can totally relate to what you wrote. It really is an amazing experience to feel this from a man.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:54pm

313. 313: Daria says:

     its kind of a Byron Katie but on fears and it works in 5 min easy .

     If ure a logical person and wanna try this Lefkoe thing ill give u the insider link just holla at me (get my attention here or by emailing me or facebook etc)

     wow i feel moved wow. i just erased

     i feel *fear* ” whenever I’m not doing/accomplishign whar i should”

     wow!

     i still feel awed and tingly as this shifts my body

     this Works!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:56pm

314. 314: ReceivingGirl says:

     @309 Tam

     If I was asking “just a guy friend” for someone’s contact info, that is exactly how I would do it. Just simply ask and saying happy 4th is the being nice part of it

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:56pm

315. 315: goldenflower says:

     I Feel so much stronger today. Less tears than the day before, much less heavy heart. I was able to be fully present for my workmates and for my good friend.

     In some ways maybe it is a relief not to see his name online any more. I have done my best for him, as much as I could. And it was maybe the wrong approach but if someone is ill and has a hard time in life then it is impossible for me not to offer help. Reaching got me the exact same result as not reaching would have. He has made the decision he canr be in a relationship, i have no control over anothers decision. I only have control over me. He has friends, family around him, he is still working and is functioning day to day, and is able to post comedy and songs on fbk. So even if he suffers as he has said he is still not alone, he has people who care.

     I worry so much about others, but i would like to be able to let this go more. A way to channel the caring side into productive ways. I want to be a bitch sometimes. I want not to care so much. I love myself for all the parts of me that are there, i love the shadow and the light parts. I embrace them all. they are me.

     I’m going on a counselling list to get some help with my Dad issues, its been a good few years since I had any counselling support. I have kept pushing it away but now think it will help me get really into the root of all this self esteem problem. I know or think i know all the patterns which it created, I have done a lot of self work over years. But I still think I have more blind spots going on, so an outside source will help.
     I fell for three guys in past two years since I became single, all three have a very similar look and all three are immature and with deep childhood issues. In some ways I see all three as a way of finding my purpose in life. I want to have my own purpose separate from any future partners. I would love to be married and with the right man, more than anything. But I think for me I have to choose myself in all ways before I can truly feel authentic and confident with who I am on this planet. I am still searching for my purpose.
     I will choose me, i will keep going on my bridge, I will keep healing myself no matter the distractions. I will choose myself every time.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:57pm

316. 316: siren song says:

     he always always initiates.

     i just feel weird sometimes being in contact with him when he’s out dating, and after the really intense outbursts he had about me CDing before we broke up. we were planning on getting married.

     but yeah, he definitely loves me. that feels certain to me.

     and i’ll keep catching his arrows if he’s shooting them, a la Targetting Mister Right. but i’m dating a bit and staying open to others every day.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:57pm

317. 317: siren song says:

     oooh daria!! that sounds exciting!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 1:59pm

318. 318: Daria says:

     Emoticon – hi 5! I love it for songwriting too and also for getting those real raw heartfelt sounds that are in between the notes… YUM!

     I feel so THRILLLEEDDD with life

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:00pm

319. 319: Daria says:

     siren song – NO bad behavior. put downs are bad behavior. soon as it feels bad, see Dancing Siren’s example

     it feels challenging and also i feel relieved and triumphant im getting more and more away from abusive relationships every babysteps

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:10pm

320. 320: Daria says:

     i feel so angry at this guy for you!

     i feel like throwing things at him running up on hiim pulling his hair and smashing him on his head

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

321. 321: siren song says:

     yeah, bad behaviour feels gross.

     i feel much better without it in my life.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:35pm

322. 322: LoveAlways says:

     HS cd and I spend a lot of time together these past few weeks. We are friends from childhood. It’s kind of like a BFF situation. Nothing intimate, not even kissing, but I can’t turn off the feminine energy. I’m not trying to seduce this guy at all, in any kind of way. I don’t want to complicate this. My feminine energy is everywhere, out of every pore. I feel phony not being feminine. I try to think “how do you treat a girlfriend, just treat him like a girlfriend,” but still, the leaning back, the unzippered heart, the feelings at the forefront – it all just oozes out of me.

     I’m totally comfortable around him, and he is comfortable around me. Not trying to get in his head or anything, not trying to trigger his heart or emotions. I just want to be careful here.

     Any advice or input sirens?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:38pm

323. 323: Smile says:

     Receiving girl I was wondering how your party had gone on Saturday! Sounds like things are great!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:41pm

324. 324: Esteemed says:

     Sadly, positive times with Ryan are always short lived. Tension feels like par for the course, just to stay with my theme, FW. I guess I use par for the course when I identify negative patterns in people. This afternoon he resumed from last night:

     R: You believe in me, but you don’t believe me…interesting.

     B: Can we talk about it in person?

     R: I said when I get back from the shore. It makes me angry that you believe these things and if you continue to believe them, then ultimately our friendship will have to end.

     B: I feel at ease with waiting. I don’t want to discuss it now by text if we are waiting. I feel sad not to be able to rest in the harmony I felt last night.

     R: I can’t believe you think I tried to hurt u, and so bad. I am deeply offended.

     B: Are we discussing this now? If so, I prefer to discuss it in person. This feels bad and I don’t want to feel that way with you. 

     R: I don’t know, but you have been horribly unfair to me in all this accusing me of these atrocities!

     R: All I’m saying is that if you continue to carry false negative beliefs about me of such a serious degree, I will no longer be able to be your friend.

     R: We don’t have to talk about it now, we don’t even have to talk about it at all, I’m just saying, I can’t be your friend forever if you believe these false things.

     I feel especially sad over this one after having a moment to rejoice in that friendship. Once again my faith in R is dashed. Today I realized more than ever that Ryan is NOT about harmony and love. He is about manipulation. Ugh. I feel so disappointed in him, yet again.

     He was clearly disregarding my boundary of wanting to discuss it in person and trying to goad me into talking about it by text. No matter what I would have said, it would have ended badly. So I have no idea how to discuss what happened three years ago with him. It takes negotiation skills that are beyond my level.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

325. 325: Smile says:

     I’ve been soo busy I’ve not caught up on blog but I’m glad my mind has been busy.

     Then suddenly strumming man called. I realised how well I am doing at leaning back and not thinking about him that I actually realised how well I had done when his name showed up on my phone for a chat. Took me by surprise! It felt good that I was occupied and truly focusing on me. He wasn’t even in the back of my mind!

     Wow that felt good!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:45pm

326. 326: Smile says:

     I actually forgot about him for a spit second! He’s not consuming my thoughts anymore! Yey!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:47pm

327. 327: Smile says:

     I’m so happy right now, I sent him upbeat positive smiley vibes down the phone.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

328. 328: Smile says:

     Support to all sirens on a leaning back mission!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:50pm

329. 329: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     281 – “I totally had misunderstood you! I thought you were back together. But as far as it sounds, it’s going on the right direction. I do hope you guys get there, and be glad now that you know you won’t make the same mistakes!! Btw have you been circular dating ever since?”

     I wish. But I feel discouraged all over again. Thanks! I guess my goal is harmony and his goal is control.

     I have done some circular dating, not as much as I’d like. It feels so hard to get to a first date, or beyond one.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:51pm

330. 330: Jasmine says:

     So I am having this roller coaster of emotions right now, and it’s not even about him, but no matter how hard I try to do things that I like and have fun by myself everything turns out wrong. A friend of mine invited me to this place where they’ll be shooting fireworks tonight but suddenly she has to go with her boyfriend. Then I ask another friend of mine to hang out tonight but she has a date. My third friend invited me with her, but she will be with her boyfriend too. This is so stupid.

     Everything is so depressing, I want to go out so bad tonight because I am in the mood, but it seems like it’s going to be one of these lonely nights, specially when I know he’s having fun out there without even remembering that I exist.

     Starting to get sad,

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

331. 331: siren song says:

     i second smile’s support!

     leaning back gets easier once you fill your life up.

     i have a date booked with one of my best girl friends tonight, then a party tomorrow night and a music festival thursday.

     life is super-fun right now.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 2:58pm

332. 332: Jasmine says:

     Siren Song,

     That is really true, and I’m trying to fill my life up but even that is hard.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:04pm

333. 333: Jasmine says:

     I know what you mean Steemed, and I read what happened with your man. Men are unpredictable, you never know what’s going to happen. But why did you have this argument if everything was apparently ok?

     Hope it gets better,

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:05pm

334. 334: Smile says:

     Jasmine, maybe start some projects that keep you busy when friends are not available.

     I have a lot of friends, I’m blessed. But I still find occasions where I’m alone. Especially as I live alone now. I’m 27. Recently I’ve learnt to be ok to not have to have plans with people. it’s a balance. Learn to love your own company or make plans with yourself.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:09pm

335. 335: Smile says:

     27 ha smile your hilarious! Your so 28! Lol x

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:10pm

336. 336: Jasmine says:

     Smile,

     324-I’m so happy for you!! I know exactly how it feels. A few days of pain by leaning back are worth it at the end! Keep it rocking! And yeah, you are right but I don’t have that many friends now because it’s summer time and everybody is gone. So there’s not even anything to do. I spend a looooot of time by myself and that does not help me at all. I am not even anxious right now, but I hate that I try and still can’t even have fun.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:12pm

337. 337: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     Sorry to hear plans for tonight are fizzling. Been there done that too many times.

     I got a kick out of you calling me “Steemed”, LOL! This has been a tumultuous relationship. It’s hard to capsulize in a few sentences. For starters, he is schizophrenic, and sometimes things happen that are weird.

     This was a clear case where i didn’t start anything at all. He picked a fight with me right in the midst of being as sweet as sweet can be. I could guess what is going on. I feel manipulated I guess. I am weary of trying to figure him out, and Rori says it’s a waste of energy.

     Beyond that, it is pretty complicated after spending hundreds of hours with him.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:14pm

338. 338: Smile says:

     I’ve been soo busy tonight and I haven’t even seen anyone! Ive been scrap booking. Yeh I know this might not be every ones favourite thing to do but I’m making my friend a book of memories for a special time in her life. It’s a project I pick up and put down.

     Maybe you could find something like this to do… What ever interests you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:18pm

339. 339: ulii says:

     @ Jasmine

     Could you consider dressing up & making yourself beautiful and going to see these fireworks all by yourself? Or even with your friend + boyfriend. There could be more people there later. And you could have a nice occasion to circular date maybe. Being all feminine & flirting, practicing looking men into their eyes, smiling, leaning back & feeling messages. Maybe getting him a bit off your mind?

     Don’t do it if you don’t feel to… just randomly suggesting here.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:19pm

340. 340: Jasmine says:

     Smile,

     I know but I was more on a bar type of mode lol. Hope I can figure something out. I need to get outta here. I want to see fireworks!

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:20pm

341. 341: Smile says:

     Jasmine, hmmm bar type of mode?? Lost in translation…

     I like uliis suggestion!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:28pm

342. 342: Linda says:

     305: Goldenflower Hugs to you.

     I posted # 6 on the link you sent me. I wish I had saved it as it was “09 here on this blog.

     I just reread it all and my blog post. I was obviously feeling very strong then. I feel a mear shadow of what my warrior woman today though.

     Wow… I admit that I am so depleted. THis last relationship did much more bad than good. I wanna be this warrior woman again. I copied it so I could be inspired.

     I dont feel as mad as I did earlier today. I just owned it all day. I did not make anybody else the brunt of it either. I just felt it. I was empowering and sad to me at the same time.

     hugs to you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:34pm

343. 343: Smile says:

     Ulii 192

     Only just caught up on your response.

     I would keep leaning back. Try and distance yourself from opportunities to interact with him. Join in the leaning back no contact mission going On here on the blog for many of us.

     (((ulii)))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:35pm

344. 344: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I didn’t realize I spelled your name wrong lol. For some reason I always think it’s Steemed? But anyways, your guy seems to be kinda stubborn. When I look at your conversation I see he started defensive and then rejects you just because? And still, why would he bring that up if it’s past and you’re starting things fresh? (that’s what I suppose). Just don’t overthink. It does sound like he’s manipulating you or just trying to find an excuse to bring an argument and blame it on you. Was that the end of the convo?

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:35pm

345. 345: Jasmine says:

     Smile,

     I meant I feel like going to a bar or something like that haha

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:37pm

346. 346: lilybelly says:

     324:

     Esteemed,

     R has an illness.

     Take care of you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:37pm

347. 347: Jasmine says:

     Ulii,

     That’s a pretty good advice. But because of my awesome luck, now I can’t go with my friend either. I texted her and she told me I wouldn’t be able to fit in the car because she didn’t know two more people were coming. Waaay to go. This couldn’t be better.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:41pm

348. 348: Emoticon says:

     So my newest CD is a rapper, and that’s a first for me so I’m a little excited although he says I don’t seem very excited about him. I guess to be honest I’m ot excited about him, more about the idea of a new experience possibly. Hmmm I can’t be excited about him yet, but I will say I do feel curious.

     I don’t know if he’s used to girls chasing and to getting compliments, but when we first started talking, he was complimenting me and I was just thanking him and expressing appreciation or sending smiley faces, and he said “so I don’t get a compliment back?” I said I don’t feel inclined to give a compliment every time I get one. From then he has been all lean forward.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:42pm

349. 349: Emoticon says:

     Lily belly,
     I feel curious as to why R has an illness.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:50pm

350. 350: Francesca says:

     I’m going to say something that scares me and will probably shock some of you but I chased my man.

     I totally went after him.

     And even though I had no idea what his reaction would be, I did it.

     If I hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t be together now because he wanted to chase me too but didn’t know what I would do if he did.

     So to say that it “never works” is a false statement in my case.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:53pm

351. 351: Jasmine says:

     Lilibelly,

     I didn’t look at Esteemed’s situation that way but you make sense. If he’s schizophrenic that’s probably going to keep happening no matter how good things are. Although I don’t know much about schizophrenia, but it should be a cause of his mood switches.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 3:55pm

352. 352: siren song says:

     I’m going to give blood! First time ever! I feel nervous

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

353. 353: Jasmine says:

     Francesca,

     I think it all depends on the situation. Sometimes we are the ones interested and have to try to get them involved. But in other cases, obsessive/desperate chasing will make him pull away, just like it has happened to me and other Sirens.

     Lucky you!

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:05pm

354. 354: Francesca says:

     Emoticon,

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:10pm

355. 355: Linda says:

     Goldenflower

     I realize today something similar to what you realized.

     I do need someone to talk to, I am not sure of therapy because I am not convinced that there is an issue that needs to be corrected per say. I do understand me. I dont want to change me… just be smarter and wiser in my decisions to become involved with someone. This last person was capable of things that I did not know or imagine a person would do. Being sneaky, no conscience of lying.. etc but he will have to answer for that. The is his stuff. Me. I am happy with, very happy with my behavior and perservance. I was resolute. Did I loose, well,I did not get the relationship I wanted . but I did not loose….I am proud of me and my character thru this.

     I delievered everything I offered. It did not work because he did not.

     Next time, I will not linger, my choices will be different. I will be protective and am going to live truer to my core and my values. I am going to strenghten my weaknesses, but will always be a nuturer, helper, and giver. This is who I am I cant be any body else.

     Linda

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:12pm

356. 356: Emoticon says:

     France <3

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:12pm

357. 357: Francesca says:

     Jasmine, I guess I was lucky and still am but you know that there is no such thing as saying the wrong thing to the right man, don’t you?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:15pm

358. 358: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     344 – “your guy seems to be kinda stubborn. When I look at your conversation I see he started defensive and then rejects you just because? And still, why would he bring that up if it’s past and you’re starting things fresh? (that’s what I suppose). Just don’t overthink. It does sound like he’s manipulating you or just trying to find an excuse to bring an argument and blame it on you. Was that the end of the convo?”

     Yes, that was the end of the conversation. it is a major issue to him that he won’t let go because he says it affects his reputation. Yet at my many efforts to discuss it, he refuses to discuss the details of what happened. He just says the same lines as you read, over and over. I am supposed to just believe the scenario as he recreated it. No questions asked.

     So far, it has never gotten resolved. Many times he has said he just wants to walk away, that it is too messy. But I have proof that he intentionally set me up for a fake proposal, and he still denies it.

     Yep, he’s stubborn all right.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:15pm

359. 359: Esteemed says:

     Lilybelly,

     346 – Thanks for the reminder. Any suggestions what to say? I didn’t respond this last time because it felt like a losing battle.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:17pm

360. 360: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     What is your proof that he intentionally set you up for a fake proposal?

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:21pm

361. 361: Jasmine says:

     Also Esteemed,

     I know what it is to be with a stubborn guy. It is not good at all. It feels like you don’t have a say and he’s always right. Be careful.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:23pm

362. 362: Jasmine says:

     Francesca,

     I don’t think I got the meaning of what you said? lol

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:31pm

363. 363: Siren Angel says:

     Esteemed, My guy is VERY stubborn and the one way i have found to work around this is to NEVER argue, negotiate, ask, but instead to use very simple ‘I want’ ‘I don’t want’ ‘I feel’ statements. Also be careful you are not disguising your arguing in messages, statements should be concise about what you feel and want without any concincing tone.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:35pm

364. 364: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     Good wisdom about it feeling like he is always right. I gave in to that in the past. Right now he has no provocation whatsoever to pick a fight with me. We had a nice connection last night. I think at the very least, this is a negotiation on his part.

     He draws me in then raises the stakes.

     The proof is three weeks after the fake proposal, I was feeling desperate (there’s that word again) to understand why he did what he did. I was praying for answers, and I felt so distraught that I stepped outside of the office at my job and called him. My phone connected, and then he was not on the other end of the line. Somehow my phone connected with his!

     I got to listen in like I was sitting in his pocket! I took it as an answer to prayer, and I sat there listening to silence except for him walking for about an hour. Then he got in the car and started playing “I’m on Fire” over and over, 5 times. While it played, he started to pray out loud!

     I took notes, so I could remember what he said. The gist of the prayer was asking God to please help him know how to handle this situation with me. The most meaningful thing he said was, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Then he said, “Don’t I deserve a little respect?”

     He kept saying over and over, “What should I do? What should I do? Please help me!” Then as the prayer progressed, he said, “Should I do nothing? Should I do nothing at all?”

     There was more, but basically that’s it. I think because of my naivete, I was making all the first moves. I think fundamentally, he was trying to teach me a lesson to let him initiate, that it wasn’t a relationship until he said it was. But the way he went about it was cruel, absolutely cruel. If he were to simply admit the above to me, or his version of the above, I would easily say I understand, it was a mistake, and I have already long since forgiven him and let it go.

     Instead, he won’t accept anything other than me denying that he set me up for a fake proposal. I won’t do that, because it’s not true.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

365. 365: Esteemed says:

     Siren Angel,

     363 – Thank you! Good advice!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:37pm

366. 366: Francesca says:

     Jasmine @ 362

     I mean that had it been a different man, say the “wrong” man, my chasing would have ended up being totally for naught.

     But seeing as he is the “right” one, any and all words I said to him had a positive effect.

     I’ve chased other men before and didn’t end up with them because they were not the right ones.

     This one is.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:44pm

367. 367: Dominique says:

     Linda – Brava to you, awesome attitude.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:45pm

368. 368: Francesca says:

     Esteemed, do you mean that you called him and the phone never rang at his end but you still got to listen to him for an hour without him knowing you were listening?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:49pm

369. 369: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     As I read

     “The gist of the prayer was asking God to please help him know how to handle this situation with me. The most meaningful thing he said was, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Then he said, “Don’t I deserve a little respect?” He kept saying over and over, “What should I do? What should I do? Please help me!” Then as the prayer progressed, he said, “Should I do nothing? Should I do nothing at all?”

     I can’t make sense of what he said at all. Where exactly do you tell he did what he did on purpose? Seriously, I have read that part so many times that I can’t get anything good or bad out of it. To me he seemed worried?

     I really don’t know, I guess I need to know more about the situation to be able to understand.

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 4:58pm

370. 370: Jasmine says:

     Francesca,

     Oh yeah, you are very right. He was the guy for you. I wish I could find the guy who doesn’t give me anymore headaches.

     But I’m happy for you

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:01pm

371. 371: Jasmine says:

     Dominique,

     Did you mean bravo? Haha

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:07pm

372. 372: Francesca says:

     Thanks Jasmine.

     And please do not despair.

     Chances are you will find the right guy for you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:21pm

373. 373: Dominique says:

     nope Jasmine, I meant brava. (the unofficial or maybe official version of bravo for goddesses or sirens)

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:27pm

374. 374: Jasmine says:

     Dominique,

     hahah just asking because I’m a native Spanish speaker.

     Hugs,

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:29pm

375. 375: lilybelly says:

     359:

     Esteemed, your lack of response is exactly how I would have handled it. Exactly. My step brother has the same illness and sometimes, it’s best to just let things be. Even with “normal” people ( whatever that is, ) but especially so with him. They just don’t think and process the same way as we do through no fault of their own and when they get fixated on something..that is all they can think about.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 5:48pm

376. 376: Esteemed says:

     Knocksoftly,

     Good to see you back! Exactly! Identical scenario!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:31pm

377. 377: Starla says:

     I love that tomorrow is a holiday:) It feels like Friday night. I’m going to try to cook something new (German cabbage) and relax and watch a movie (I think I’ll watch “Think Like A Man” finally.

     I feel like a goddess.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:38pm

378. 378: Femininewoman says:

     Knocksoftly goods to see you posting again.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 6:45pm

379. 379: Siren Angel says:

     Hi Starla!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:01pm

380. 380: Daria says:

     hey my dad recounts incidents differently so i guess its many people

     they get really upset when i give my version of events too

     so to me its more like ‘all about me’

     blaming the man for having a version of experience is like abandoning myself

     whats going on with myself there?

     im feeling terrified, lost…

     woozy and dazed

     sad

     ouch

     heartache

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:07pm

381. 381: Vi says:

     Ewwww.. I “complimented” another person by putting myself down.. I kind of compared something between us in favor of other person! I feel glad I caught myself doing that. that’s disgusting.. : ). no wonder I feel so angry at people sometimes.. it feels like I am handing them over all my power… and they do nothing wrong…
     I am never never going to do that to me again! My precious dear sweetheart me, I vote for YOU! first and foremost! and I vote for all other people as well.. : ) and yes you can go together… : ) and yes you don’t need to choose between “you” and “them” anymore… and you always go for me first…wow .. I feel protected and safe with me… Feeling good… discovering my magic self…

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:08pm

382. 382: LiliBee says:

     Hi sirens

     I have so much to share with you all, but so little time.
     I had a sorta “no gf” speech with D last night.

     When we got back from vacation, he told me he was going to the annual bike festival with his friends for a whole week.
     I had replied “you went from ‘honey, does it bother you if I go to a golf tournament with my friends for 1 day’ to ‘honey, I’m going on a 1 week trip with my friends’. I feel angry and irritated, especially after being promised no more vacations without me”.

     Then he went out of his way to charm his cousin’s gf at a wedding and I felt forgotten all evening.

     Last night was our 1st alone night in a long while.
     He had his son all long weekend.
     I asked what his plans were for the upcoming weekend.
     He said ” I don’t have plans, I never know what I’ll be doing.”
     I said ” Well then I do. I’ll be joining the meetup group at the beach.”
     Him ” are you going shopping?” He perceives that meetup group as a single’s hookup, but it’s an outdoor activities group.
     I said “maybe”. He clearly looked upset.
     I went on to say ” well you’ve been talking about your next vacation plans, plans to change your workschedule to fit hockey…all of which take away time spent with me. These are plans for the next few months up til winter, and I’ve heard no mention of me anywhere in there.
     So I anticipate the lonely feelings I’ve had under those circumstances before.
     I don’t want to feel sad and lonely like that again, so I need to make friends and make my own social life.
     I want to be doing fun things with people, I don’t want to sit around feeling lonely.

     He said “I won’t go to the bike festival with my friends! I didn’t say I was going, I just said they invited me.”
     (he definitely said he was going).

     Then he said “What am I supposed to do? Stay home and do nothing while I have 5 more weeks of vacation this year?”

     My response ” Well there you go, you have 5 weeks to find time to spend with me. I have 1 week of vacation left, and it would feel great to spend it with you. But if you’re not available, I will make plans for it.”

     I found that beach party for this saturday, then 3 people invited me to another huge beach party in 3 weeks, then another for waterslides in 2 weeks.
     A wedding in my family way out of town…I’ll be a busy social butterfly with or without him.

     It’s almost like he expects me to be like his exes and just sit around the house being depressed waiting for him to show up.
     He wanted a more outgoing gf to do fun stuff with. He has that gf now, but doesn’t recognize it and appreciate it.

     He was so surprised to hear that I went out bike riding with my bf tonight.
     Then I was surprised to hear that he went bike riding with his son. I didn’t even know he had a bicycle!
     He was shocked that I could take my bike out by myself and inflate the tires myself!

     I asked “why didn’t you ever ask me to go bikeriding? I had no idea. It would feel so romantic to go peddling in the park by the water together. I feel bored sitting around doing nothing.”

     I feel angry that he treats me like I was his exes.
     He complained that they never wanted to go anywhere and do anything, just sit around the house.
     I’m the opposite, but he keeps assuming I’m like his exes.

     Grrrr! I wanta (but won’t) say to him “Open up your mind and see ME you blind bat!”

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:22pm

383. 383: Femininewoman says:

     Esteemed can I remind you that one of the pillars of Rori’s work is telling women to just STOP. STOP what is not working. I see you contantly praising her wisdom but this is the one thing you consisently ignore. You keep repeatinG the story the same way though it doesnt work. Time to shake things up by changing around the drawers. Change the story and stick to the change until youR brain believes it.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:27pm

384. 384: Jasmine says:

     Sirens!!

     I finally found something good to do. I’m going to see some fireworks at Skydeck!! I already got beautiful, and I’m about to start using my charms. Girls night people!! Let’s see how this circular dating goes haha.

     Hugs!!

     Jasmine

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:28pm

385. 385: LiliBee says:

     383:

     That reminds me what 1 of my former therapists said that really hit home for me:

     “You want a warm, compassionate, attentive man. But with you so shut down like you are now, you won’t be able to even recognize such a man, let alone appreciate him.”

     That therapist’s voice still rings in my ear all the time after 11 years!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:34pm

386. 386: LiliBee says:

     384:

     Yeah, me too I want some of that STOP, STOP, STOP what doesn’t work.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:36pm

387. 387: LiliBee says:

     385:

     You go girl! Way to go Jasmine!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:37pm

388. 388: LiliBee says:

     Siren Angel! Hi! So good to see you here!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:38pm

389. 389: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     When R was praying, I am sure it was not completely coherent, being that he was alone. I mean, when I pray alone, I half think half say my prayers.

     The part that most caught my attention, in the context of him talking about how to handle the situation with me, is when he said, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Those are clearly proposal type of words.

     What I heard in that was regretting that he didn’t just give me a real proposal, that he would have been happily engaged if he hadn’t gone this other route.

     So when he says to me that I totally imagined he was hinting toward a proposal, that shows me it was in his mind.

     This is all very complicated and extensive. I feel a bit uncomfortable going into it all, because I have hashed and rehashed it already here.

     But I appreciate your interest and interaction with me.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:40pm

390. 390: Starla says:

     Hey Siren Angel!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:41pm

391. 391: LiliBee says:

     Starla, I think SA went to bed.
     She’s in my timezone, and it’s gettin late here.

     Goodnight sirens!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:51pm

392. 392: Starla says:

     Wow, I told a good looking, super intelligent guy I know that I am taking a Japanese class, and he just texted me that he signed up to take it with me! So he’ll be there with me! How cool! It will feel so fun to have a friend there and not feel all awkward. And if there’s someone interesting in class that I’d like to get closer to, I can bring them into our little group, which is so much easier than 1 on 1.

     The universe smiles on me:)

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:55pm

393. 393: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     384 – This feels bad to read. I feel shut down.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:56pm

394. 394: Esteemed says:

     Lilybelly,

     375 – Thanks!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 7:58pm

395. 395: Linda says:

     Dominique. THank you. When I get past the things that trigger me and send me on tangents or paths of healing. I underneath all that. I am proud of me, I like me not in a haughty pride but. I can look at me in the mirror and smile. When he wanted to pick petty fights, recount events totally incorrectly
     blaming me for things that were infact his fault. Even Threatening to take my christmas present back… I stood in his face and stated… I have done nothing but good to you. by all means take what you feel you are entitled to. I left and did not see or speak to him again.

     He did not take the gift when he left.

     I hope that the right man for me will desire a woman such as I.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:04pm

396. 396: Esteemed says:

     Francesca,

     368 – “Esteemed, do you mean that you called him and the phone never rang at his end but you still got to listen to him for an hour without him knowing you were listening?”

     Yes, I guess I didn’t explain that very well. I sat on the phone for an hour with more or less silence before he started to pray out loud in his car. Normally I would feel invasive. But he was being so shut down and I was in a very fragile place emotionally so I made an exception and just considered it an answer to my prayer that I got to hear him in an unguarded moment.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:04pm

397. 397: Daria says:

     im really loving myself by healing and grooming my mind with this Lefkoe belief shift process

     it feels so much more still and less anxiety in the moment right after i shift one of the beliefs

     wow so many thoughts triggering fear and anxiety in me all the time!

     and im healing and shifting that

     i feel moved

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:09pm

398. 398: siren song says:

     Ooh! I am finding dates with hotter, more together men! Who want kids. They DO get better!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:09pm

399. 399: Starla says:

     yay siren song!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:12pm

400. 400: Daria says:

     and thrilled weeepeee

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:13pm

401. 401: Esteemed says:

     My latest with R:

     4.75 hours later

     B: I forwarded what R sent to me last night: I like to always be sweet and sensitive and make a beautiful lady smile.

     B: Again forwarding R’s words: How can I make you smile? I wrote: By letting us enjoy some peace for more than a few hours at a time.

     B: R’s words: Can you teach me how to make you feel good and have harmony with you? Me: I feel heavy hearted.

     B: On a computer when you have two conflicting operating systems running at the same time, it tends to crash.

     R: 25 min later: Well,, I don’t want to make you sad, but you make me sad by your accusations.

     B: There is a time and place for everything. It would feel so good to enjoy good vibes from you for at least a day or two. If you already know I’m unwilling to discuss it by text, why not wait?

     B: We finally arrived at some connectedness and I felt so good. I wonder why it had to be immediately ruined?

     R: I don’t remember, but you better not be accusing me of that!

     50 minutes later

     B: I feel completely shut down. That feels bad to hear, and I have no idea why you are picking a fight with me after I felt closer than ever to you last night.

     R: I’m sorry. It’s not intentional, I don’t know how it came up.

     B: Thank you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:14pm

402. 402: Memulo says:

     Ulii,

     I find that taking a break gives me a chance to get back to myself and feel peace inside. Silence helps me to drop the sense of urgency and I feel happier. It builds up confidence and creates some mystery Let’s see if he can handle it!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:14pm

403. 403: Daria says:

     :: Going Along for the Ride ::

     Here’s something you can try if your child enjoys
     riding “piggyback”…

     When you’re both in a good mood, offer your child a
     piggyback ride. But don’t lift him/her up; instead,
     kneel down and let your child *climb* onto your back.

     Also, don’t try to “entertain” your child (i.e.,
     pretending to be a horse, etc.). Just walk from
     point A to point B and let the ride itself be the
     entertainment.

     After doing this a few times, your child will begin to
     recognize your “piggyback mounting position” as an
     invitation for a ride.

     Now you have a “tool” that’s especially good for
     helping your child shift from one flow to another.
     Instead of saying, “Stop playing; it’s time to go,”
     you won’t have to say anything — just assume the
     inviting position and your little rider will eagerly
     come on board!

     http://dailygroove.net/piggyback

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:14pm

404. 404: Memulo says:

     Thank you LoveAlways

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:15pm

405. 405: Esteemed says:

     R: Did you really feel closer to me than ever before? Why?

     B: Yes, I felt harmony, like I was really understanding you and our conversation was happy and fun. It felt good.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:16pm

406. 406: siren song says:

     Yay!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:18pm

407. 407: Daria says:

     Esteemed – not wanting to discuss something important seems like a block of intimacy on your part from my perspective

     its GREAT that he wants to talk — this is him leaning forward

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:21pm

408. 408: Memulo says:

     I had a wonderful evening. Worked late, as usual err but then decided to go to an outside dance event and just have a good time. I went alone and did not bump into any of my friends, but strangers asked me to dance and I dance with everyone, so I was a busy girl I loved it!

     And then on my way home he called and I didn’t hear the ring, so got a VM. Can always return it tomorrow, it’s late already anyway;)

     Ulii, to answer your question, I feel that between dates we don’t communicate much and also we see each other 1.5 times a week on average. There is always a reason, i.e. him traveling, etc., but still I’d love a phone call or just more time together. I thought that at about 6 months mark you spend a lot of time or even all your free time together, but it’s not happening. Are my expectations too naive?

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:25pm

409. 409: Starla says:

     My best friend told me a few weeks ago that basically I am family and I will be included in all family events from now on. I feel so touched. She followed through, and they’re all coming to pick me up at 5am for a fishing trip tomorrow. I’ve been to her house for thanksgiving and xmas last year, too, but I really appreciate the explicit invitation/inclusion. She lives in a big house with her mother, father, brother, and husband, and I love being there and how much love and respect her family shows me. I’ve known them since I was 9, and we’ve all seen each other grow and change and become amazing people, and I’m just gushing now, but I feel SO blessed.

     And then my blood family is trying to include me in their lives now, too. Better late than never, for sure. They are starting to understand me and see where I am coming from in my life.

     I feel SO blessed.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:26pm

410. 410: Memulo says:

     Yay Starla! You should post the photo of the fish you catch. And no cheating please ;P

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:30pm

411. 411: Starla says:

     Okay! Memulo, we should be facebook friends (if you want)!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:34pm

412. 412: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     408 – This is an interesting thought! it’s just that I have made it abundantly clear, repeatedly, that I do NOT want to discuss it by text. And most of the time we discuss it, it ends bad, with him saying he wants me out of his life.

     So it is scary to go there, and I refuse to do it by text. I feel frustrated that he wanted to bring it up right while we were getting along so well. But what you say makes me feel a new ray of hope.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:34pm

413. 413: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     I tacked on the part at the end in response to what you said:

     R: Did you really feel closer to me than ever before? Why?

     B: Yes, I felt harmony, like I was really understanding you and our conversation was happy and fun. It felt good.

     R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

     B: Ok, let’s discuss it in detail when it’s convenient. Are you at the shore now?

     R: I’m leaving tomorrow morning.

     B: Nice! I feel curious…who are you going with? Where are you going?

     R: With my family to my Grandmother’s shore house.

     B: How nice!

     R: Thanks

     B: You going to see fireworks there? They had them tonight here. Nice night for it.

     R: Hopefully!

     B: Cool

     B: I just want to emphasize I am totally open to discussing past conflicts. Just in person, that’s all.

     R: Ok

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:39pm

414. 414: Memulo says:

     Starla,

     Thank you, I am not big on fb. Go there once in a few months. I appreciate the offer very much. Also feeling paranoid about being discovered on the blog;)

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:40pm

415. 415: Starla says:

     no worries memulo:) i don’t know how to post photos here without being discovered, either. so i rely on fb. so just picture me with a huge fish, of course:)

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 8:46pm

416. 416: Memulo says:

     Ok just bear in mind that if it’s a huge fish out of all possible combinations of you two together you should always be on the outside ;P

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:04pm

417. 417: siren song says:

     Woo! I just went to my neighbourhood bar to watch kareoke. This guy approached me about 6 times to tell me thinks i’m beautiful and has already texted me 3X on the way home.

     I feel pretty good catching all of these arrows.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:12pm

418. 418: Daria says:

     Brenda – to me it comes across as controlling, this not wanting to discuss something real and connected – over text

     your questions after that seemed inauthentic – leading – in order to control – the conversation (so that the subject at hand would no longer be discussed)

     you Do have the skills to let this man in !

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:48pm

419. 419: Starla says:

     I took a stab at cooking one of my favorite dishes, and it came out perfect! I feel so proud and powerful, hehe

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:52pm

420. 420: Brandylion says:

     I have been feeling…despondent…most of today. I decided I wanted a cute, lightweight, simple dress I could wear to the big shindig downtown tomorrow night, thinking I could feel girly and pretty, especially since I’ll probably be going by myself. I only checked three stores in the hour and a half I spent out, but I didn’t find anything.

     And then I got hamburger grease on the light pink t-shirt I was wearing. I treated it and put it in the wash as soon as I got home; I hope it comes out. The shirt is one of the only feminine-ish things I brought with me this summer.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 9:58pm

421. 421: Starla says:

     ((((((((((((((brandylion)))))))))))))))

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:01pm

422. 422: Vi says:

     Daria, thank you for mentioning Morty Lefkoe. I googled him and his work with beliefs and processed one. It felt really powerful. Thank you.

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:26pm

423. 423: Daria says:

     im feeling anxious that my messages on dating sites are drying up

     well from ‘cute guys’

     maybe its time to expand my comfort level and go out with a guy outside of it again

     i feel sad thinking of that

     and thats ok

     hmmm

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:27pm

424. 424: Daria says:

     Vi – you are welcome i feel excited that it inspired u!

     Tuesday, 3 July 2012 @ 10:27pm

425. 425: Kimmie says:

     Such a great article, but the part on thinking about him confuses me alittle. ~(if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).~

     I try to pay attention to my feelings and energy when I think about my new amazing boyfriend, and I notice there are two basic differences in my thoughts.
     Sometimes I am wanting him to call me or initiate contact with me and I feel an almost anxiousness. Thats when I stop myself and try to shift my thoughts to focusing on me and my children and my life.
     But other times I think of him and don’t feel the need to contact him. I think of the wonderful things he did like taking my little boy to the grocery store for batteries for his toy or getting up with my kids at 6am so I can sleep in even though its his only day off. And those thoughts just make me feel happy and excited and so full of joy for what my life has become.
     I do feel there is a difference and the second one has no harm to myself or the relationship.
     But I am also new to relationships (was with a toxic man for 9 years until last dec) and I really don’t want to end up driving my new boyfriend away. Is it ok to think about him if I can feel its coming from a positive non-chasing place?

     Side note, I love the fact I can call him my boyfriend. He asked to “go steady” and be exclusive with me a month ago and I was scared and told him i’m not ready but all that fear has just melted away over the past month with his patience and kindness, though I still make a point of hanging with my other guy friends regularily so its like my own version of CD.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:02am

426. 426: Rebecca says:

     I feel angry at myself for not planning well enough in advance

     I refuse to forgive myself for not learning from my mistakes

     I feel anger at myself for not learning from my mistakes

     I feel anger at myself that I struggle soooo much to organise myself

     I feel jealousy of other people who are way more organised than I am

     I feel sad for me that I struggle so much

     (Excuse me sirens for processing here, much love…)

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:19am

427. 427: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed,

     I feel I am missing something here. What does this mean:
     R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

     What needs to be “resolved”?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:26am

428. 428: Rebecca says:

     I now realise that the man I like is not going to come back. I feel very upset about this, but also it really makes me think, we really don’t know what is going on in someone elses head. In person he came across like he really liked me, but the fact that now he has been avoiding me tells me something else. I find this so curious…

     I feel like it says more about me than them. I feel like I see what I want to see, and hear what I want to hear. This confuses me though…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:34am

429. 429: Tam says:

     Aw no, the date with my two friends got cancelled..well one cancelled as he has something with his kids and the other one I didn’t know very well at all and haven’t seen him in 20 years, so I did say to the one who cancelled that I’d go alone with the one I don’t know very well, but feeling hesitant and shy. I gave him the option on backing outon the 1 to 1 so it’sunlikely to happen.
     I feel sad, lonely and double sad as it is 4th July and I am not in the US where all my friends are partying, boating and whatever else.
     Guess I will take myself out alone tonight. A date with myself, the usual. Moany.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:43am

430. 430: Femininewoman says:

     ((((((((KnockSoftly)))))))))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:34am

431. 431: Femininewoman says:

     Is wanting privacy an unconscious block to intimacy?

     Would he feel obsessed with invading if he was invited in?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:38am

432. 432: Femininewoman says:

     Kimmie how about experimentinG with letting go of all thoughts and finding ways of putting that energy on you to see what happens?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:42am

433. 433: Tam says:

     oh, so now I have a date with a guy I haven’t seen in 20 years (and even then only once or twice)….I am scared of my own courage. Our common friend who was supposed to come but couldn’t make it just said the other guy is ‘surprised’ that I still want to go.
     That already makes me feel scared. I’d rather he’d have said ‘positively surprised’ or something….
     I see it as a good opportunity for practice but actually, sometimes I wonder if I am mad because right now I really don’t want to go. I should not have pushed for this….not at all. Well, all I did was say that I am still willing to go.

     Oh well, it will either be a good evening ot not, hey?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:35am

434. 434: Memulo says:

     I want to tell SmartCD that I feel lonely when I have a problem at work and an important conversation with my manager and he doesn’t ask how the conversation went.

     I will be returning his call this morning, perhaps I can say it over the phone? Also, I want more attention on the days we are not together. Two requests in one phone conversation on a holiday feels kind of heavy;) Well depends on how I say it too of course. Another option is not to mention anything and talk to him in person. But I don’t want to pretend over the phone that everything is great if I don’t feel great.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:42am

435. 435: Memulo says:

     Tam,

     Who’s business is it who you accept a date with? I feel kind of angry for you;) Why do they think they can even express your opinion? And how is it different then going on a date with someone you’re seeing for the first time? In both cases if you don’t like it you can excuse yourself and leave or just keep it short. What’s the big deal

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:47am

436. 436: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     429 – “I feel I am missing something here. What does this mean:
     R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

     What needs to be “resolved”?”

     He insists that he never set me up for a fake proposal. Throughout our relationship, whenever he treats me badly, he requires me to agree that he didn’t do it. I am not willing to re-create facts. I want to go thru the events blow by blow. And typically if I bring any of it up, he denies every event that happens. It’s all very confusing and complex.

     I kept a detailed journal throughout our relationship, because it was important to me. His memory is iffy with his schizophrenia. So it feels like a losing battle to come to terms. I hope to locate those journals before I meet with him, and use them to jog my memory about fine details, and go thru event by event that led up to me feeling confident that he was about to propose any day. There is absolutely NO WAY I made that up in my head.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:54am

437. 437: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     408 – “its GREAT that he wants to talk — this is him leaning forward”

     I have been thinking about this all night! I feel so relieved that it is a positive sign! I am going to try to break it down with him and discuss it slowly.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:57am

438. 438: Femininewoman says:

     If you feel invested with a man when you have sex, then you can’t have it until you’re married. Period.

     I encourage you to allow sex to be a part of your life experience and get there by not having sex with any man you’d CONSIDER for the long term – until you have SOME level of security – so you can relax.

     Love, Rori

     http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/dating-and-sex-what-do-they-have-to-do-with-each-other/#respond

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:07am

439. 439: Esteemed says:

     I don’t think R intended to give me a ring. At that time, I had NO CONCEPT of how to do the relationship dance. I kept initiating everything. It was a runaway train. I think he was grappling for how to impress on me that HE is the leader of the relationship, and that I was to follow in feminine energy. Daria was the main one who helped me to understand this in my relationship, and I feel very grateful.

     I have experimented very much around this concept. I have found when I let him initiate conversation and let him lead the subject matter, we rarely get in arguments. When I initiate, everything gets lopsided. At that time, I was pushing very hard into a romantic relationship. He kept trying to put on the brakes. But I think he saw too late that his method of doing it was totally misunderstood by me and very hurtful to me. I don’t think he intended to hurt me. I think he intended to show me that there would be no engagement unless HE said so.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:09am

440. 440: Esteemed says:

     The fake proposal DID take place. But R’s intention was to teach me a lesson that he is the masculine leader in our relationship. I was over the top calling all the shots. I was initiating what to do, where to go, totally taking the masculine role in the relationship. If he had simply discussed it with me directly, all would have been fine.

     But he is polite and it is the kind of thing you just want a woman to know, without having to tell her. He has serious control issues to begin with, and he wants to be in charge of a relationship, as he should be. I will allow him to. It’s just that after so many years of living on my own, I’ve become so strong in masculine energy.

     Rori’s teaching has been exactly what I have needed. I STILL tend to take the lead…it has become second nature. But I am doing far better at learning how to be a feminine woman. That is what I am at heart, and that is what I want to be.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:17am

441. 441: ulii says:

     @Memulo 409

     Great! Feels nice to hear you had a lot of fun dancing with people!!! I’d love it too. I think I will go out by myself tonight or maybe tomorrow to a dancing place. A way also to be out of skype and lean back — mostly from NZ cd, as he’s the only one I feel it’s hard to do from). It’s my 2nd day of Leaning Back/No initiating Challenge.

     And no, I don’t think you are naive of expecting that in 6 times you’d spend a lot of free time together. But does he know that is how your idea of a relationship is. And is it same to him? Has it been discussed? I guess the divorce, work, child are taking a lot of time & energy for him. But you can express your feeling about missing him and being happy with more contact. (I don’t know maybe you have arelady expressed that repeatedly?) Well, I hope the leaning back challenge will do good for many of us.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:22am

442. 442: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed

     I didn’t realise you had been in a relationship with him. I thought you were just at the friends stage but that he wanted more.

     Maybe R feels it is in the past and therefore doesn’t want to discuss it. What do you think?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:26am

443. 443: lilybelly says:

     439:
     Esteemed? Did he actually say the words..”will you marry me?” Anything less than that, to me, would not be a proposal. Be my wife, let’s get hitched and spend our lives together, etc…etc…etc… those are proposals.

     If he didn’t say those words or something close to it, directly to you..it is unlikely that you will ever come to agreement on this.

     I am looking at this from a logical pov as I have no emotional tie to it, (other than not wanting to see you hurt anymore) and also, from understanding his illness a bit.

     I would feel so happy to see the two of you get to a point of understanding and forgiveness, where the pain from three years ago no longer stood in the way of your friendship. But the key is forgiveness, in all it’s totality.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:29am

444. 444: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     He is the one who brought it up! If you read the texts I posted on this thread between R and me over the last couple of days, you will see that we were relating very beautifully when he brought it up and made a major issue of it again.

     We met in December 2007. We started dating Christmas Eve 2008. We saw each other almost every day for almost 10 months. The fake proposal was in July 2009.

     He completely pushed me away in November 2009, after we attempted to iron it out. We kept a loose association by text mostly from there. I saw him briefly last summer, 2011, then started seeing him regularly starting Christmas Eve 2011, which meant a lot to me on the anniversary of our first date!

     I pulled away from him around Valentine’s Day this year, because I kept feeling hurt over and over.

     More and more, I see that he is trying to impress on me that HE is the man in the relationship and HE initiates. I don’t like his way of going about it, but all his unusual behavior in the relationship makes at least some kind of sense when I see it in the light of him trying to show me that our relationship will move nowhere unless he moves it, not me.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:32am

445. 445: ulii says:

     @ Jasmine

     I feel good you found a plan for the night! I’d love to hear how it went.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:36am

446. 446: Femininewoman says:

     When we lean back it cannot be because we want him to do something. As in not calling because we want him to call. That still embodies leaning forward energy and he will feel it even when we don’t call.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:37am

447. 447: Tam says:

     443 – Esteemed, I am also suffering from this. Having lived alone for almost 7 years and I have been travelling the world, working abroad…and it is all masculine energy in my life, always has been.
     I tried to lead in my relationships also…

     I am having a hard time coming to terms with leaning back more in all my life, not rushing, no sense of urgency. Actually, it feels better to be like that and things start to fall into place. It has brought guys back to me, some of whom admittedly I did not want but goes to show that it works.

     The work is in keeping it up. I feel scared that my masculine energy wants out…and I am a very feminine woman and really need a masculine man. I feel scared because I realise some men are intimidated by me because I have done so much in my life….and they get nervous and so on. Even when I lean back. And I get nervous too meeting someone else…

     Anyhow, when you always had to look after yourself, it is hard to just relax, and let it drop and just let them take lead. But I am getting good at it. One guy contacted me and said he is coming to a town close to me and said I could be his tour guide…and would I know which hotel to book bla bla…normally I’d have loved to hear that, would have organised where to go and what to do…and now I just think: aw, no….I don’t want to organise for him. he is a man. he can do it himself….hehehe. I feel lazy, and it feels soooooo gooooooooood!!!!!!
     I feel like I might be converted into the super lean-back queen…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:37am

448. 448: Tam says:

     438 – thanks Memulo…I feel better

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:38am

449. 449: Tam says:

     Esteemed, has R ever been dating anybody else during this whole period?
     I was just wondering.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:41am

450. 450: Memulo says:

     Ulii,

     Yes, hope you have a good time dancing!

     I did not express how I see the relationship evolving. When I am with him everything feels so right. Maybe part of it is that we never discussed it as ‘our relationship’. We did not use these words. We do not use bfriend/gfriend words either. But I feel now that I need to tell him that I want a more consistent contact. Well, for now I returned his call, left a VM and not hearing back yet;)

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:47am

451. 451: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I feel worried about you thinking of yourself as suffering. We all have masculine and feminine energies. It is about becoming aware of what works in relationships, being aware of where we primarily come from as a default position and then chosing to change or default position if it is mostly masculine. Then trusting in the law of how things are and the Universe to delivering for us. Chose to believe and have faith in yourself that you can do this instead of thinking of yourself as suffering.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:48am

452. 452: ulii says:

     @ Tam 450

     I totally relate. I have been in masculine energy all my life too. Travelling, working & living abroad for most of my adult life. And now…I am again at my parents house back in my home country. It’s a situation that has prolonged from few months to 10 months already, mostly because of economic reasons and also because my study and work options are all confusing and open (because I am really bad at deciding) right now and I’m not really knowing what I will be doing and where will I be living in 2 months time. I must start thinking about it seriously as my parents will move into a smaller flat from September, so i definitely won’t be able to be with them anymore.

     And I have had many-many foreign men contacting me on the dating sites for me to show them around and recommend them places to visit in my town and my country. Like once a day a t least I get this kind of requests… First I met with few, had one cd out from there, NiceGuy, who came back to me (but I’m not romantically interested in), and few other dates with men where I practiced some tools and had some fun dancing or talking to them in fm or having dinner with them. But at the end I got bored. So now I choose not to do free tour guide anymore.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:51am

453. 453: Memulo says:

     #449 FW:

     The definition of leaning back is not initiating. It is a decision that we make for ourselves. Is it how you do it?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:52am

454. 454: ulii says:

     @ 449 Femininewoman

     I try to lean back and while doing it not have any expectations. Or to fill my mind with other things to do. It is hard sometimes, not so others. It is easier if I remove myself physically from the possibilities of contact. Like…leaving the phone home while I’m out. Not signing on to pages where i could see my interesting guy at the moment online and not talking to me… etc. But, still.. I think better leaning back anyway, even if you can not always to control the expectations or thinking of him part. What do you think?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:56am

455. 455: Femininewoman says:

     It is more than that Memulo. It depends on your agenda, where you generally come from in your life. I experiment with initiating with men that I have no investment in and have no agenda. When there is no agenda and no expectations I think of myself as a RockStar where I can do anything and say anything. Putting myself in lean back sometimes feel restrictive and dismissing my feelings so I have remained open to experimenting with different ways of being. I have men around me who I am not attracted to.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:59am

456. 456: Femininewoman says:

     For me leaning back is pointless if I am still overanalyzing and wondering.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:06am

457. 457: Femininewoman says:

     For me leaning back is pointless if I am still overanalyzing and wondering.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:06am

458. 458: ulii says:

     @ Smile 343

     I took your advice. Thanks! Removing myself from opportunities to contact him. And joined the leaning back mission. Day 2.

     For me though, it’s not that I can not control the initiating or making contact. I usually don’t do it. Although I am quite leaning forwardy with my family & friends and men I don’t feel attracted to.). It has always been so hard for me to call men or start the conversations…Specially to guys I like a lot. I guess partly because I’m naturally really shy with most of men. But I do get so bad feelings and low vibe if I see they are not contacting me (like in this online occasion). I feel rejected and not attractive and not interesting etc. And my self esteem drops down to the cellar so fast. So I remove myself from the situations this is probable to happen.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:10am

459. 459: siren song says:

     FW and Tam,

     it’s funny, the use of the word ‘suffer’. i had a realisation the other day while i was walking down the street by myself that i will never allow my self to ‘suffer’ over a relationship…that i would feel whatever sadness and heartbreak might come up (the feelings of life), but that i would not use a man to beat myself up ever again.

     it felt good!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:11am

460. 460: siren song says:

     my self.

     ha

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:12am

461. 461: Linda says:

     #449… The men I have encountered are really not that perceptive. Most of the stuff we run over in our minds…the energy we put into relationship stuff. They are oblivious too….. Not saying this as a put down of intelligence but honestly from my experience, They are thinking about whats on TV or something non-relationship related.

     Once I had this really great intimate experience with man I was in relationship with last. We were laying next to each other… he asked “what are you thinking”… I said” I feel so happy to be laying here next to you”…. I said, what about you? He said” I am thinking about jacuard bed sheets, sorry”!

     WOW… I was surprised and felt really unimportant.

     So…I am just sayin… I dont think they are picking up our leaning back but wanting them to call energy.

     Linda

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:13am

462. 462: blue rose says:

     having such a hard time not chasing boys in my mind. so hard.

     I met an amazing guy. amazing. he picked me up for both of our dates. he payed for everything. he walked or took a cab to get me home both times. he is just so awesome.

     our second and last date was a week ago today. he didn’t text or email to say he had a good time. he is having NC with me for the past week. i would honestly run off into the sun set with this man, he is so amazing.

     i haven’t texted/called/or emailed him. but i do find myself thinking i did something wrong or else he’d be chasing me. so sad!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:15am

463. 463: siren song says:

     i miss seeing zara posting on here.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:16am

464. 464: Femininewoman says:

     Ulii, do you find that the men you are not attracted to keep coming toward you no matter how you are?

     siren song I made that kind of commitment to myself related to my job because of a past experience. It feels really liberating to go back to that commitment no matter what is happening around me. I do the same with romantic relationships.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:17am

465. 465: ulii says:

     For me the leaning back would help me to keep from over-analyzing and wondering too much. I mean, what would be the other option?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:18am

466. 466: Memulo says:

     FW

     ‘I experiment with initiating with men that I have no investment in and have no agenda. ‘ That to me sounds like an agenda;)

     Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Not sure if you were responding to my post or just sharing. I usually feel very comfortable leaning back. It’s no different with men I am not interested in.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:19am

467. 467: Memulo says:

     #468 Ulii,

     Yes, me too.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:21am

468. 468: Femininewoman says:

     Ulii if you are not invested in the man leaning back helps with literally forgetting about them.

     blue rose could it be that he is just being a normal guy? Not focussing on relationship? Or focussing on what he is involved with, in the moment?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:22am

469. 469: Femininewoman says:

     Sounds like an agenda to you Memulo? Okay. But that is how I learn how men and relationships work. Also become aware of my comfort zone and how resistant I am to changing.,

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:25am

470. 470: Femininewoman says:

     I also remember Rori encourages us to experiment with switching back and forth with using the masculine and feminine hats to see what happens. “This is all practice”.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:27am

471. 471: ulii says:

     RE: 467

     Yes, FW, in the matter of fact I do find that the men that I’m not attracted to are coming to me regardless of how I am. Although up to a certain point. I have been a drama queen and freaking out and making comments like “there will be nothing between us ever” etc..and even get nasty detailing them the reasons why I don’t find them attractive. That’s usually after feeling cornered about their behavior like we would be a couple, many questions (which I find controlling) and when I start to feel suffocated, said in heated emotional moments. Usually me regretting afterwards all that I have said. But it’s also after them blaming me of many things and me starting to defend myself. But it has got out of hands many times. So of course they get angry & block me or just remove themselves from me. I try not to do that anymore and be honest & use feeling messages. And then I feel I’m not being clear enough and leading them on. Because they still seem to stick around and being good to me. And I feel like in prison, like I can not go on dates with other men, or even chat with other men… I feel I have to explain it to them.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:33am

472. 472: blue rose says:

     #471: Femininewoman

     thanks it could be. guys still confuse the heck out of me. i guess I’m not supposed to be trying to figure him out. I need to keep being fabulous.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:36am

473. 473: Tam says:

     464 – lol Linda, that is men in a nutshell….I think every single man I have asked ‘what are you thinking’ and he said ‘you honestly want to know?’ has answered me with:
     ‘the cat’s litter tray’
     ‘The kids school lunch menu’
     ‘the colour we should paint the living room’
     HONESTLY!!!! It is so funny…in some ways I like it how they are so ‘uncomplicated’ but in other ways it is soooooo unfair because we think about them!!! Well, not all the time but the blog alone shows this!!

     Their brains are just wired differently…..and if we don’t appreciate it, it will be difficult to be happy unless I start dating women, which I have no intention on doing. MrU once answered the what are you thinking question with ‘I want to remove your popcorn ceiling’ which I thought was fantastic…I just wish he HAD!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:36am

474. 474: Tam says:

     462 – siren song, that is quite a realisation..wow…I like that

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:38am

475. 475: Tam says:

     455 – ulii, you are in exactly the same position as me then..I wish us both luck!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:42am

476. 476: Femininewoman says:

     Learning About Your Ego Wounded Self
     Our wounded self is who we created to help us survive the loneliness, helplessness and heartbreak of childhood. As stated earlier, this part of us had to learn many protective strategies—many controlling and addictive behaviors – to avoid the pain we were too small to manage. This part of us also contains hundreds of false beliefs that limit us.
     If you want to experience freedom, joy and loving relationships, you need to have the courage to learn about and heal your controlling, protective, addictive behaviors and false beliefs. The only way to do this is to put your judgments of these behaviors and beliefs on the table and open to learning about them.

     http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3208/do-you-have-the-courage-to-learn-about-yourself.html

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:43am

477. 477: ulii says:

     @471 FW

     Yes…I agree. Leaning back could also end up as me forgetting about the guy. I still feel a bit invested with this imaginary NZ cd though. But I guess that feeling will go to less and less, specially while leaning back and concentrating on other things.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:46am

478. 478: Goldenflower says:

     430: Rebecca says:
     I now realise that the man I like is not going to come back. I feel very upset about this, but also it really makes me think, we really don’t know what is going on in someone elses head. In person he came across like he really liked me, but the fact that now he has been avoiding me tells me something else. I find this so curious…

     I feel like it says more about me than them. I feel like I see what I want to see, and hear what I want to hear. This confuses me though…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:34am

     Rebecca I hear you. This is common for me in past three men I have been seriour about.
     Sometimes i think men do like us in person when we are right there in the moment, but then they somehow place much less importance on it in their minds, or I wonder if their recall is sometimes different from ours. I dont really get it either, but in essence all the Christian Carter stuff on how men feel and their timeline being different is based on real men. So i think that in early stages it can be really uncertain for them if they will move forward towards us. The thing is the way women wd naturally (pre Rori) give energy and caring and detailed thought to interaction with a man they like. I think naturally a man overdoes it too in the first wave, by giving us what we want to hear, as they sense what it is we are looking for. And then realise they dont really want the full committment that goes with it. They give too much in the moment, like us!! But they then withdraw rather than explain or negotiate, as we might do. I’m just musing here, does this make sense? Anyway (((Rebecca))). You will meet more giving men who dont back away.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:46am

479. 479: Jasmine says:

     Ulii,

     My night went good. I ended up going with a bunch of friends and we had a good time. There was this guy who kept looking at me the whooooole night. He was with a girl though hahah. Then after that we went to this restaurant and this guy comes to me (although he was kinda drunk) but he sat close to the table where I was just to talk to me. He started talking about his life and what not and I talked to him the whole time. Although I didn’t like him much because he had a few drinks on his head, I just let myself be and talked and laughed. He was silly. But I usually don’t talk to random guys so it was new. And that’s how my night went.

     I think we are on the same page (although I don’t think I know your story?). It’s been two days since I don’t initiate contact with my ex and I like it . It gives me confidence and I feel encouraged to keep doing it, whether he calls me or not. I don’t care and try not to think too much about it. He’s not hearing from me unless he misses it.

     Hugs,

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:47am

480. 480: Tam says:

     454..FW (I am reading the blog backward..hehe), by using the word suffering I made it sound dramatic, when all I meant to say was ‘I have been doing this too’ , I do not know if this is a more British way of saying ‘me too’ ..I didn’t mean to say I was suffering, actually…not at all..oops. However, perhaps the choice of word was subconscious. Who knows.

     I just realise also that for me the masculine or feminine energy matters, but not as much as speaking my truth, which is something I have not been doing, I have been stuffing my feelings..and even though I knew about this blog, and read all the stuff and had the e-book…I was still doing that in my last relationship. And it’s no good. The leaning back is only part of the package, but it has helped me too. And it has helped me to detach from unsuitable men when I felt a pang of wanting to chase them. I just let go and voila, things get easier…like you say, when there is no attachment or expectation of outcome, we can experiment. Sometimes that experimenting leads to attachment, because it works…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:50am

481. 481: siren song says:

     day 19 leaning back!

     i did send a follow up email to thank guy who loves me for his concern about my mother and he wrote back :’what i feel about you is much more than concern’.

     sigh

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:50am

482. 482: siren song says:

     FW, i love margaret paul. i’m going to an IB intensive on july 11th! i feel really excited about it.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:51am

483. 483: Hopeful says:

     Sirenity and Dancing Siren -

     Thanks so much for your comments. I appreciate what you each said and agree with you.

     In my own pondering about this, I decided not to say anything about the meetings and just go on vacation with him. I see how he is still processing all this, grieving that he has to stop drinking and processing all the things I said to him.

     I am going to see the marriage counselor and see what he has to say about this too. He will probably have some advice too since I know he works with recovering people too.

     I am going to check out Al Anon and Codependents anonymous. I really don’t want to get stuck in a cycle of trying to control his behavior. He is going to have to decide to do what he needs to do. If I spend time trying to control his behavior it is going to drive me crazy and won’t work.

     Thanks again for your comments.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:58am

484. 484: Jasmine says:

     Lilibelly,

     Although R didn’t directly talk about wedding (such as marry me), the “I do” statements when he was in his car clearly relate to wedding. Apparently he had thought about it and it was running through his head. Unless Esteemed had already told him that she was expecting a proposal and suddenly he was just getting defensive? I don’t know, I’m trying to understand the situation as well.

     Esteemed,

     I still wonder, if he wouldn’t acknowledge that he did set up a fake proposal, why would you justify him? Or accept it?

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:01am

485. 485: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I think R has too much power over you.

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:04am

486. 486: Memulo says:

     Looks like I will have a great holiday;) He is still not calling me back or texting. I don’t know if I feel like reaching out again.

     Last night he asked to call him and said he hopes I am doing well, which sounded kind of formal. I called today at 10am. No answer;) Is it that my criticism causing this?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:09am

487. 487: Femininewoman says:

     I don’t know, to me listening to someone’s private thoughts/prayers uninvited feels scary and seems invasive. Then to put meaning/expectations to it that results in accusations leaves me feeling violated. Seems like a slippery slope spiralling downwards. I like a man looking in my eyes and saying “I want you” that way I don’t have to guess or work to trap him.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:21am

488. 488: Jasmine says:

     Yeah Femininewoman, it is not even about me and I have a hard time trying to figure out what he was thinking. But you’re right. It’s pretty sad when we have to read into words to find some sort of meaning. You make a lot of sense.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:25am

489. 489: Memulo says:

     I had to complete a work assignment today, I can’t even do it because I feel so upset;)

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:32am

490. 490: Femininewoman says:

     Jasmine I have come to accept that trying to figure out “what is he thinking” is a waste of time and energy.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:32am

491. 491: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo I wonder if you would feel upset if your focus was on your life?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:34am

492. 492: Tam says:

     FW, I love the bit where you say that when a man says ‘i want you’, you don’t have to work/ think on it, no guessing. Oh yes. Anything less just doesn’t cut it anymore really. Did it ever, well for me yes. I changed my outlook.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:46am

493. 493: Memulo says:

     FW, yes, I just talked to my dad and most probably this is what I will do. It just felt like a teaser that he would call last night and now not talk to me after I returned his call.

     I felt worried that he sees me as ‘cold’ for criticizing him the other day and now just texting that I called in return to his VM. I mean I was rather casual in my communication, not warm. Though he does it all the time.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:50am

494. 494: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     Yes, R has too much power over me. I have tried CDing and it is a challenge when I am a plus size lady. But I have dated some and have found no one who interests me. It would help tremendously if I had another romance going at least to some degree. I suppose I have that with K, my exhusband. But I divorced him in 2006 for a reason, and I don’t want to remarry him, even tho we are still close friends.

     Here are the things that happened within two weeks of his fake proposal:

     He started talking about a proposal almost every evening, saying things like a proposal is the most romantic part of a relationship.

     He got a loan for a few thousand dollars, not telling me what it was for.

     We went did karaoke at a bar, and he sang a song about, “I’m working hard to buy you a ring.”

     He talked about how wonderful it was that I was losing an average of 3 lbs a week, calculating when in the future I would be down to my right weight.

     I took a sneak peek in his journal while he had it open, which I know I shouldn’t have done. It said, “I want her to be dazzling on our wedding day.”

     He had a small, stuffed angel with a pocket sewn in the back for holding prayer requests. He had given me an angel, too. When we went to the diner or now and then, he would ask me if I still had my angel. We would pull them out, and he would hold his up to mine and pretend they were kissing.

     One night when he was leaving my house, he left his angel in my bed. The way he looked at me, just before he dropped it, left me with the impression that it was accidentally on purpose. Again, I know I shouldn’t have looked at his prayer request, but it said, “Please help me let go what I need to let go so I can be with this woman.”

     He had gazed at me for a long time, saying, “I love you,”, while looking deeply into my eyes, on several occasions.

     We had played around sexually off and on, never actually having sex. He said he didn’t want to see a lover orgasm unless he knew she was his Soul Mate, and they were committed to each other. So he never took me to that point. Just close to that point. He asked me what I would need in order to have sex. I said I would have to be married, or at least engaged. He said one night, “I think I will be having sex in the very near future, like in the next few days!”

     I am 15 years older, and one night he said, “I think a woman will remain youthful well into her older years if she is well loved.” He said the same night, “I want to forget how old I am, and when someone asks my age, I want to say, ‘I don’t remember.’”

     We went to the diner and I enjoyed the most romantic activity of my life! We each took a piece of paper and wrote a line of a poem. Then we switched papers and each wrote the second line of each other’s poem. then we switched papers again, back and forth, until we felt content that it was finished. We realized that the two pages blended perfectly as the beginning half and ending half of the poem. The most significant line he wrote was, “She is ALL he ever wanted.” I will post the whole poem in another post, for those who haven’t read it.

     Right around the time he took the loan, my own ring disappeared from my jewelry box. I didn’t say anything, because I assumed R had borrowed it to size a ring.

     On a Sunday morning, I was at church while my friend, Cris, and her two kids were staying at my house, because they were temporarily homeless. After church, I went out for lunch with a friend. When I got home around 1 or 2 pm, Cris and her kids told me R had been there. I said, “Whaaat??” He never came without contacting me first. They said he hung out for about 2 hours, waiting for me. I felt surprised he hadn’t contacted me for two hours. He had hung out in the dining room for a while, then used the bathroom, then gone out to his car to wait.

     When I went in the bathroom, there it was! My own ring! Setting on the center of the counter in the bathroom! I ran out excitedly telling my friends, “He came to propose to me! He was here to propose!!” I excitedly called him, and I left a voicemail, letting him know I was happy he had stopped by and I was home now.

     For the next 5 days or so, he seemed very reserved, and ultra vigilant of everything I said and did. He didn’t return my call until the next day. He didn’t see me until Tuesday. We went to another karaoke at a bar and he seemed super withdrawn. All thru the evening, over and over, he asked, “How are you doing?” Like he was waiting for me to say something.

     I figured if he was going to propose, maybe he got cold feet, or I don’t know what. But I knew at least that much, that he is the one who should bring it up. But I felt really, really weird!

     My leaning forward self invited him to an outdoor festival that Saturday. My leaning forward self bought him a half dozen of wooden roses that were being sold at one of the stands. He seemed uninterested. My leaning forward self was nibbling on his hand as we lay on the ground where the concert was. He pulled his hand away. Something felt horribly wrong, and I was too blind to how badly I was operating in masculine energy to realize what I was doing that was not working.

     In the afternoon, he had me drop him off (he is on disability and the only car use he has is when he borrows his parents’ cars).

     That evening, he called me and said he has something important to discuss, asking if he could meet me at my house. I was out with a friend, so I arranged to meet him in a half hour. I remember saying to her, “This could be really good or really bad.”

     We sat on the sofa, and he asked, “How are you doing?”

     “Fine”

     “Everything is going all right?”

     Again, i felt like he was trying to get me to say something about why he had come last Sunday unannounced and hung out at my house. Finally he said, “I just wanted to tell you, it’s just a friendship. I’m not in love with you.”

     With those softly spoken words, I felt the deepest pain I had ever felt, because all my love, hope, dreams, and trust were at their height.

     I started crying, and I got up to get my journal in the dining room. He asked, “Where are you going?”, getting up and looking around the corner to see what I was doing. He looked scared, like he thought I would knife him or something.

     Through tears, I told him all I had been feeling over the last week: confusion; disappointment; intense love; etc. I had been listening to Rori’s programs a lot, and a lot of her power speeches and feeling messages were, thankfully, on the tip of my tongue, along with the walk-away tool for when you feel too angry to keep your cool.

     I felt like I was getting nowhere in discussing my feelings with him. He said over and over, “It’s just a friendship; I’m not in love with you.” I have come to detest those words. They are like a knife twisting in my heart of hearts.

     Finally I couldn’t stand the anger and pain that was completely engulfing my being, and I stood up rapidly, grabbed my purse, and walked out (the walk-out tool). He followed me out of the house, leaving. I swung around the block and picked up my two dogs, needing their comfort.

     Instead of letting him pick up the pieces, I tried to. I called him, asking why he is trying to hurt me? He sounded strangely calm, like a predator who has his prey pinned to the ground while she’s giving her last kicks. He asked where I was. I told him I was heading to the 4H club, where I often ran my dogs while it was closed. He asked if he could meet me there.

     I don’t know why I thought anything positive could come of that, but I was in convincing mode, and I said yes. I gave him a power speech about marriage, saying I wanted a ring, and it didn’t need to be an expensive ring if that was the issue.

     He sounded surprised, asking, “You’re talking about that NOW??!!” He kept saying over and over, “It’s just a friendship. I’m not in love with you.”

     I did the melt-to-the-floor tool, which in this case was the ground. I felt like I was being stabbed and burned in the center of my heart, and the weapons that were afflicting me were my own love, trust, and dreams.

     I kept crying and trying to reason with him, trying to understand why he was doing that after all he had said and done that led me to believe he was about to propose to me. He said, “There’s something beautiful about pain, don’t you think?”

     I begged him to please say something to release me from all the pain. He said, “I don’t think you would like what I would say.”

     I said, “try.”

     He said, “I told you. It’s just a friendship. I’m not in love with you.”

     I realized that it wasn’t going to end, so I called my dogs, hopped in the car, and took off, spinning the wheels in the gravel.

     I texted him the next day, telling him if I was profiling him, I had just seen what the face of the d/e-v-i/l looked like.

     I felt extremely vulnerable, sad, and in pain for about 2 years over this. I was suicidal the first two days. My friend, Cris, helped me get through it. He called her a few days later, asking how I was doing.

     Our friendship has been reconstructing ever since.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:52am

495. 495: ulii says:

     @ 479 Femininewoman

     I don’t know if it was meant for me or to someone else or in general, but thank you for that post and the link. I read the article and will be reading more from Margaret Paul’s site (I have heard the name but not familiar with her work yet). I feel you sense the vibe different sirens on the blog are having so well, I feel even that you see through me sometimes. Maybe it’s not at all what you have intended, and maybe you don’t refer specially to me now, but I felt that way. And it feels safe to me too.

     I see this article applies to me a lot. I wish to dig deeper into that. I wish to be able to commit to myself and have the courage to learn about myself. I see Starla as a great inspiration here. I so much genuinely admire how she is doing what she is doing.

     But I have problems in starting the real life action and processing.. Like taking care of myself.. in babysteps. Even the easiest routines I find quite difficult sometimes. I don’t eat properly or don’t sleep properly. If I don’t have any date or party coming up, I might go without taking care of my appearance for quite a long time too. I am committed to go to run almost every day. And I have, already during the last 2 months. At least 4, if not 5 or 6 times a week. I guess I can start form there. I feel proud of myself because of that.

     Sometimes I feel so far from healing. I keep sabotaging myself by all the possible means…and using a lot of time in internet is one of them. Although part of it is with aims to get closer to some healing. Like this blog also. But I see I’m not putting much I read or see into practice. Like it would be impossible for me to do anything without having a personal coach beside me all the time, someone who would obligate me and cut off the possibilities to entertain and distract myself from what’s really important.

     Maybe I should forget about relationships at all for a while, even online dating, before I am more ready. At the end it is the man-crack i have seen other sirens mention. I admit of being addicted.

     But I do appreciate so much what you write FW. Really. I feel thankful. Oh no…now I almost started to cry…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:58am

496. 496: Daria says:

     Sad

     Thought about a man and how ‘he’s not interested anymore’

     Not true

     I don’t want to feel sad

     I want to feel thrilled, expansive

     Like my chest feels open and clear and my mouth smiles

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:00am

497. 497: Tam says:

     What stopped you from breaking it off after that proposal, Esteemed?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:02am

498. 498: Femininewoman says:

     ((((((((((Ulii)))))))))))))))))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:05am

499. 499: Esteemed says:

     Here is the poem R and I wrote together at the diner:

     Beyond Intimacy

     Delving deep into her heart
     Profound emotion lifts her to a heavenly plane
     A plane where,
     Where the sensation
     Falls on her spirit like the first warm rays of spring sunshine
     She’s uplifted,
     Heart, mind, body, and soul,
     She is woman, she is beauty, she is life
     She’s ALL he ever wanted,
     They dance,
     The dance of the Spirit
     She has ceased being Her
     Has gone beyond even being His
     She has given birth to
     No, they have given birth to a new life…
     US, WE, OUR, TOGETHER…
     Some of the most beautiful words in language!
     Emerge,
     Total consciousness in their being

     Yes, their one Being!

     Beyond touch, beyond words,
     The dance of spirits elevates
     And twists beyond ALL bounds…
     Beyond all bounds, two spirits mingle beyond this earth
     Never to return,
     They have landed in Heaven
     Male and female, heaven and earth, passion and tears
     Floods, floods of emotion
     Fill their souls
     Raining down warm cleansing rains of sensual fulfillment
     Sensual fulfillment,
     Beyond any they’ve ever known,
     Floats them freely down (up??) the stream of
     The stream of
     Heavenly intoxication
     They’ve tasted
     The fruit,
     They’ve tasted
     The wine,
     They’ve tasted

     The Beyond of intimacy!

     July 9, 2009

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:05am

500. 500: Daria says:

     Ulii – it takes awhile. My way is to Not obligate myself to anything (no controlling behaviors with myself)

     Self talk gently and often instead to get in touch with what I really want and do that

     Also the men practice should be constant, not something u shut off and on . You are always a woman attracting men and there’s babysteps to get comfortable w that.

     Practicing w men goes a long way that without them just won’t. One can get stuck for years in a pattern of ‘not ready to date’ , or flip flopping back and forth and that’s just not
     true.

     What I want to see is Sirens comfortable Coming into their own as sirens.

     Taking care of themselves while being open and receptive to the masculine energy that they draw in as magnets.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:07am

501. 501: Esteemed says:

     Tam,

     500 – Breaking it off would have been the healthy thing to do. This is part of the healing I have gone through over the last three years, learning to say no to bad treatment.

     I had been emotionally abused growing up, so I was oriented around people pleasing, not about protecting myself. Also, I was operating in masculine energy, trying to fix it myself.

     Now I would let HIM fix it. But I felt deeply, deeply confused, and it has taken me two years to feel not confused. All I knew was I was in love with him. I have never lost that love. It feels confusing to be in love with someone who hurt you worse than anyone else ever did. I think the way he treated me has a lot to do with his schizophrenia.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:10am

502. 502: Tam says:

     I feel sad for you Esteemed. And I can relate to what you write….

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:13am

503. 503: Linda says:

     When I reflect back on my last relationship. My tendency is to focus on what I could have done better. It seems my continual focus on what I could have done or been that was different to make it work because I really wanted it to.

     I dont like this about me. It has become blantently apparent to me that I put the other persons feelings and needs before mine 90% of the time. I reason if if I get my behavior, response or look “right” that is good for them, then they will offer the same to me. It has not worked this way for me. I have a false belief system. This way of thinking gives them control. This feels really bad to me.

     I dont want to be a person who has to measure my words all the time, but I do it. I mull everything over in my head before a single word comes out of my mouth. This is why I dont flow in feeling messages well. I have to feel “safe” with someone to even entertain the possibility of sharing any of my feelings in a dating or potential romantic relationship. This is how I am and it is ok.

     When I feel thru my last relationship, (notice I said Feel and not think)… I felt unsafe, all the time. I felt undesired all the time and unimportant most of the time. I could not flow. I could operate and manuver but not flow and be received. I could be me some ot the time but not all the time. I had NO soft place to land. I gotta have a place in my relationship where there is a haven to run.

     There were fleeting moments of safety, or feeling desired… but in the end according to him “it was just not all there”. I took that as an endictment against me, again my fault. He had a great way of twisting things around to make it seem like it was always something I had done and I was constantly reading into every word he would say. Of course my natural tendencies that I have already confessed helped too.

     I do not want to live this way anymore. My head soul and spirit was resistent to this but I I had even entertained the thought to go into debt and have several surgical procedures done so I would “have the look” this last guy seemed to desire. I feel really sad about that, it feels so desperate. I look around everyday and see people hand and hand, all shapes and sizes that are happy and in loving relationships and they dont perfect, like I was beginning to feel I had to.

     I made a list of the things I need and want in my life… I gave one to him a long time ago when we were agreeing to “try it” again, after I walked and told him I did not want him in my life anymore…. he came chasing me again….. He said he would give me those things, but in reality he did not give me any of it.

     He did not give himself. He did not put effort into the relationship or me. He was not open or affectionate with me. There was no feeling of preference. He was dishonest with me and did not have the character or decision making ability that I need in a partner. THe decisions he did make were for him and his position or appearance or betterment. When it came to what I hoped, wanted to dreamed… he was uninterested. He did not invest himself in making a life with me or for and us. Clearly now… i am very sad about these things. Clearly now… I am angry about these things

     Clearly now… I am FREE of these things!

     Today is going to be my first day of staying firmly planted on my bridge. Today is the first day of me keeping first and most important what I need and want. I am seperating myself from feeling l did not “do it” right , that is was my fault… it takes two and a commitment to make things work!… I am just going to be authenticly me. If a man can not take a genuine ME than he is NOT MY man. If a man will not give me what I need or is not a safe place for me.. he gets no more of my time and is not MY man. I am tired of giving and accepting and not having it returned. I am not going to feel bad or care about their feelings more than mine. That sounds hard and harsh when I read what I have typed but I have to do this with me first. No one else is going to do this for me, I have to step up and do it. I guess my masculine me is going to protect the feminine me for a while.

     My dreams and feelings are important enough to do this for me. I already am a pro at doing things for myself that make me happy, going on about my life. Now I am going to integrate the two. I am tired of pain and disappointment and rejection. So today is my independance day from that stuff. How fitting it is July the 4th today.

     I am begining to feel centered again. I am going to take off my “grave clothes” and shake the dust off my feet….today. I was so off balance and lost to myself.

     Linda

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:16am

504. 504: Esteemed says:

     Tam,

     452 – “Esteemed, has R ever been dating anybody else during this whole period?
     I was just wondering.”

     As far as I know, no, he has not been dating anybody else. The schizophrenia has affected his social skills very much. He told me twice he approached women in a public place, before he started to date me, and just with basic conversation to get to know them, they each said, “Dude, you’re freaking me out! I gotta get out of here!”

     Even tho it is not him himself that is doing anything wrong, it has been very damaging to his self esteem. He said it is easier to just avoid women than to be hurt like that over and over.

     Beyond that, my theory is that he is waiting for me, and taking his time for our relationship to come together. But I don’t know that. I do know that at every turn when we were dating, he gave me every reason to believe he was not dating anyone else. Since we stopped dating in 2009, every time I contact him, he is either alone or with family.

     I know, I’m not supposed to contact him, LOL! I’m getting where I need to be tho! Hardly ever initiation contact anymore!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:18am

505. 505: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed

     Apologies! Yes, I guess he does bring it up.

     Why do you think that is?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:19am

506. 506: Esteemed says:

     Tam,

     505 – Thank you. I wonder in what way can you relate?

     I have truly been healed from this now, and I can share that incident without crying.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:20am

507. 507: ulii says:

     @501

     Thank you Femininewoman, it feels so nice to receive a hug from you!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:30am

508. 508: Esteemed says:

     Tam,

     450 – “I feel like I might be converted into the super lean-back queen…”

     LOL, me too! For me, it is not that I do not FEEL feminine in my heart and soul – I have always felt very feminine.

     But it was not modeled to me how to be a woman. This is not to blame, but to understand: I believe it is because my Mom was never, and is still not at age 80, in touch with her own femininity. She never acted graceful; has poor social skills. Again, this is not about blame – and I was a blue print of her.

     She was raised with little structure in the country. Her parents worked full time, and she and her 7 other siblings just ran wild at home much of the time. Her father treated her like “less than” for being a woman, talking with disgust about her feminine parts and talking with disgust about her dating and having babies. It was all made to be very ugly for her from the very beginning.

     Then both she and I were wounded emotionally thru my Dad. Our self esteem was decimated.

     So I have been learning here and thru Rori’s programs HOW to be a woman. I still don’t like it when I see a woman taking advantage of a man by acting helpless. But I see the beauty in leaning back and letting a man nurture me.

     It was never an issue between K and me, who I have known 12 years, because K is very, very strong masculine energy, and he naturally just carried the relationship.

     R is more sensitive. And with him being on disability, it felt confusing how to deal with dates like going out to eat. I was paying, so I initiated. I have learned since then, thru the blog, that it is ok to just go on coffee dates and let him pay.

     It also felt confusing because R was always encouraging me to express my emotions…to put my heart out there first. So I felt emotionally rewarded when he affirmed me for expressing my love for him. so it felt “ok” to say I am in love with you, when it came to that.

     Only later did I realize I should have let him say that first. He HAD said, “I love you”, but it was for him to take it deeper, not me. And I took it deeper…or attempted to, at every turn.

     I finally get it.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:31am

509. 509: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     508 – “Apologies! Yes, I guess he does bring it up.

     Why do you think that is?”

     What Daria said really resonates with me: he is leaning forward by wanting to align on our past conflict.

     I mean, I know that is not exactly what Daria said, but that is what it pointed me to when she said that. I believe in my heart that he really does want a romance to me, provided I allow him to lead it!

     So perhaps when we connected so deeply the other night, his thoughts strayed to how nice it would be to have a lifelong relationship with me…and then his next thought was the need to resolve this past conflict?

     That is my hope! Because I remain deeply in love with him!!

     If anyone wants to offer how they would approach it when our face-to-face time comes to discuss it, I would appreciate it. I intend to take it slowly and break things down in details. I want to do my best to be nonthreatening. I don’t want him to shut down.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:35am

510. 510: Smile says:

     Happy 4th July to the American sirens. From across the pond.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:39am

511. 511: Jasmine says:

     Femininewoman,

     493 – That is very true. It is a waste of time and energy. And it usually is a desperate move, to start thinking about what he might be thinking or feeling. But that usually happens when our partner doesn’t show emotion or feelings, and you start feeling unloved. That’s what happened with my last relationship, my guy was in a shelf, the typical tough guy who “doesn’t have feelings” and as we got to know each other he opened up to me, and I was the first girl he ever opened up to, but he could never be as open and caring as any other guy (at least not able to show it), and a lot of arguments led to him getting back to the shelf. And he always kept telling me he did have feelings but that he didn’t know how to show them, he had feeling issues and I was impatient. So I was always waiting/hoping that he would show affection but most of the time I was just trying to figure his feelings out because he didn’t show them. And it sucks. It can be frustrating. But you are right, it is a waste of time and energy.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:41am

512. 512: Esteemed says:

     Lilybelly,

     446 – “Esteemed? Did he actually say the words..”will you marry me?” Anything less than that, to me, would not be a proposal. Be my wife, let’s get hitched and spend our lives together, etc…etc…etc… those are proposals.

     If he didn’t say those words or something close to it, directly to you..it is unlikely that you will ever come to agreement on this.”

     No, he did not say those words. And I think that is HIS entire point: that until HE says something out loud, with his mouth, it does not exist.

     His point is that just because we get naked together does not mean we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Just because he says I love you doesn’t mean we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Just because he showed up at my house unannounced after all those clear indications of where he was going with the relationship doesn’t mean he was about to propose.

     I forgave him instantly – I felt pain, but he was forgiven. That is why I was trying to find instant resolution to the relationship. He may need to forgive me. But on my end, forgiveness has been in place for three years.

     It also felt confusing because he had told me he wants to be so connected with his lady that she could know what he meant without any words. I am coming from a place of a huge deficit in social skills. I just couldn’t put it all together fast enough.

     I am a pretty good people reader. So I thought he meant he felt shy about saying those words out loud (not a proposal, but about being a boyfriend and girlfriend, that sort of thing). I thought he meant he wanted me to feel his love thru his actions because it was so hard for him to express himself verbally.

     He knows I’m pretty good at reading his mind…but I found out the hard way, that is not what he wanted in the case of moving our relationship forward. And I get that now.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:43am

513. 513: Smile says:

     Ulii I believe leaning back with time will provide lots of answers to questions you have over NZ CD.
     I believe with the other men you are attracting but don’t want to connect with you are just sorting the wheat from the chaff if you are familiar with the expression!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:43am

514. 514: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     513 – thank you!! Fireworks are fun! I hope to see them two or three times! Happy Independence Day, United States Sirens!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:45am

515. 515: Smile says:

     Ha I guess that’s why Jasmine wanted to see fireworks lol… Didn’t connect it at the time as to why she desperately wanted to see fireworks lol. That would be like not seeing fireworks on bonfire night!!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:48am

516. 516: Smile says:

     Esteemed- I’ve been following your story on the blog. I think I’m confused over your meaning of the word fake. At first I took it to mean that he actually got down on one knee but then you found out he had no intention of marrying you.

     But reading more I now see it as you mean fake by that you second guessed what he was going to do before he did it.

     Have I followed correctly??

     (((esteemed)))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:51am

517. 517: Rebecca says:

     Sirens

     Today I was actually feeling really good about myself. I had a fanastic weekend and a great night out with friends last night. I mean it was the best.

     But now I suddenly feel really down because someone took pictures of me which are so hideous I now feel quite distrssed… Sob..

     I feel ugly…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:52am

518. 518: Linda says:

     Esteemed, I remember you from this blog now. Reading your recent posts I put you with you again.

     I am glad you have grown, I see it in how you communicate. The man you write about is the same man too I am reading.

     I say this will all respect, I only see what you expose about yourself here and dont know you at all.

     Is this man “your man” or his he someone that is being used to cause you to grow and become a better version of yourself. I clearly see that you are “in love” with him. Is he in love with you? I see you refer to his mental condition and therefore it seems you make allowance for things that may not be what you really would choose for yourself. We all have different capacities for loving people and accepting things. Those are up to us. Is what you get from him really ok with you or is there allowances made for him that you would not normally embrace.

     I am not passing any kind of judgment. just asking questions.

     Lord knows I have made some questionable choices over my lifetime, I am not here to say that I got it all going well… I tried my best and grew… I also feel like I have been drug behind a car for two years, trying to keep a smile on my face and stiff upper lip. Ultimately, yeah there is a part of me that still loves this last man, but clearly he was not good for me.

     Linda

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:53am

519. 519: Femininewoman says:

     Linda I feel so inspired by your words. For me, it now feels like turning around and facing myselF. Seeing all the desperation, feeling all the yuckness. Yet comforting, loving and hugging myself

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 10:57am

520. 520: ulii says:

     @ 503 Daria

     Thank you for commenting!

     I agree with you too and want this for me:

     “What I want to see is Sirens comfortable Coming into their own as sirens.
     Taking care of themselves while being open and receptive to the masculine energy that they draw in as magnets.”

     Although I am feeling ambivalence towards that in a sense that I still feel very weak in my sireness and men overwhelm me too easily.

     I know it takes time, but sometimes it feels like too much time. How to practice being patient with me? I am naturally quite impatient, so I have an ideal image of the final state or purpose and if I’m not getting there quickly, it feels bad. I would compare it to practicing a musical instrument, which never was my thing either, I already knew how it had to sound but wouldn’t have the patience to practice so much as to acquire the sufficient technical skills to be a good professional.

     I found that sometimes only obligating myself takes me somewhere. Like there has to be a crisis for me really to act. Not obligating myself is what I do most of the time…and I am only floating, but not changing or improving towards something. I see…for example, the experience with practicing the tools with men I meet… I have got a bit better, but only a small bit. I still get overwhelmed by any guy I really like. Obsessing over him and making him the center of my world. At least in my thoughts. Or even various men at the time, but having the focus on them rather than on myself… That’s why I think sometimes, a break from thinking about men would be a good thing. Because it’s hard to establish boundaries. If I sign on to a dating site on the morning I could pass the entire day there chatting. But do I really learn something? Maybe I have. And meeting then some men in a real date…. Ok I have become a little bit more relaxed. Less negative talk, less going on about my exes, my messed up life & less criticizing about men in general (you wouldn’t believe but that was what i would talk about to men even on a first date most of the time)… But the change is really slow. I feel, maybe “quitting men” for a while would give me the time and energy to put into myself and I would get into better state quicker.

     But I am curious about how your approach works for you. Like how you manage to practice with men, do things you like, relate to your family & friends etc.. ?

     I feel I only have energy for doing one thing a day.. if I date a man, that day is about a date and preparing myself for it. If I try some self-improvement techniques or listen to a Rori’s program..then that’s all I’m going to do that day. If I go to work, than that’s all I’m going to do that day. If I take care of my sister’s kids, that’s all I ‘ll have energy for that day. Or physical activities, or even getting my legs shaved. I feel some day i only have the energy to shave one leg, but not the other.

     OMG. I sound funny to myself now!
     But I feel this is true for me, at least today. Maybe I’m in a really low point.

     Anyway, thank you Daria.. I consider what you are saying.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:02am

521. 521: Femininewoman says:

     Rebecca feeling ugly is a thought a judgement. You created good positive feelings. That is great to read. Keep going back to those good feelings. When the thought ugly comes up say “I am beautiful. I am beauty. It is my body, I got to love it. It is mine”. It is one of the mantras I practice regularly now so we will be doing it together if you want to commit with me.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:08am

522. 522: Daria says:

     Ulii – try dropping the judgements around ‘not getting it done’ and ‘if I don’t obligate nyself’. Commit to healing control of self or others in unhealthy ways (u can check health by asking your inner self wat is healthy for me in the moment until u get something clear and that you’re open to)

     You’re judging yourself as ‘inpatient’

     All of these are judgments. I use EFT, riffing, and lots of other belief shift methods to shift this for myself in 30 seconds throughout the day

     With men I ask myself (when I remember to ) what did he show up for me to heal? That keeps me aligned with healing

     A lot of it for me is in TRUST. Spiritual trust in myself and that all will work out. Abraham Hiks videos are a good reference for this

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:08am

523. 523: Jasmine says:

     Wow Esteemed,

     I wouldn’t imagine the way you were feeling. That sounds just awful. But what I didn’t like about it was the way he managed the situation… he was cold, uncompassionate. He hurt you like I can’t imagine and you must really be in love to give him a second chance. I still don’t understand why he’d tell you you were just a friend when things were going so well? It’s not that you were pushing him to do anything, everything was apparently right. It’s kinda complicated for me to understand, I wouldn’t imagine what it was for you.

     I can relate to you in some sort of way (because my suffering was not as deep) but what I see in this situation is that you’re the one trying to get him back and everything is on his terms although he was the one who hurt you. As much as you might have done things wrong, it is not your fault. Listen to him, but don’t lose your own voice. Don’t try to justify his actions or believe that he’s right just because you want things to work again and you desperately love him. He is so determined that he won’t admit that he did anything wrong, and that’s going to be a tough situation for you to handle because you’re the vulnerable one here. He’s even reluctant. I relate to that kind of man, and sometimes we lose ourselves trying to make them understand us, and you’ve been really soft trying to not blame him, but remember you DID suffer.

     You have to make sure he has the same intentions as you do. Don’t even risk yourself to be taken for granted. I think you’ve exposed yourself too much and he’s clearly ruling you.

     Hope my words aren’t harsh, but your situation worries me and I do want you to be ok.

     Lots of hugs,
     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:09am

524. 524: Daria says:

     Ulii – it also takes a lot of commitment for me. Sometimes I don’t get to shaving the ‘other leg’ for a month.

     It’s ok, it’s what mu goddess chooses. She’s awesome.

     U know what helped a LOT ?

     Taking some unschooling, mindful respectful parenting techniques and applying them to mu self care.

     It’s ok if I just play videogames all day.

     I’m still worthy still learning too.

     Sandradodd.com/unschooling

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:12am

525. 525: Jasmine says:

     Smile,

     hahah yes that’s why. Although I didn’t see any!! I’ll go to the beach today though, I’ll see some fireworks there. And it should be really fun!

     Hugs,

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:15am

526. 526: Jasmine says:

     Linda,

     521- I TOTALLY agree with you. You should think about that

     (((Esteemed)))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:17am

527. 527: ulii says:

     @ 482 Jasmine

     I feel glad to read you had fun last night. And you seem to have a happy vibe today. I like it.
     I think we might be a bit on a same page in some aspects.
     How old are you? I feel you ‘re a bit younger than me. I’m 31.
     I don’t have time to post my story right now, as I’m going out for a while, but hope to be back later and then I will.
     Hope you see these fireworks too!

     Happy 4th July to al US sirens!!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:21am

528. 528: Jasmine says:

     Ulii,

     Hahah I am 22. And yes, I am happy today. I don’t want bad feelings to overtake me, I’ve had enough of that. And I’m really working on doing things that I like and just enjoy myself. I deserve it.

     Talking to you guys has helped me a lot too. Happy I found ya!

     Hope to hear your story later!

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:26am

529. 529: ulii says:

     @ Esteemed

     (((Esteemed)))

     That’s the first time I read the whole story about this proposal. I got tears in my eyes reading it.
     But still, even if he wants only to be a friend or even if he want to be the leader and have a relationship with you. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s not happening in real life.
     I think you are doing great just enjoying the moment and the positive interactions with him. But please, let go of any expectations!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:26am

530. 530: Daria says:

     Esteemed – I would discuss it Vigilantly in feeling messages. I would Not make a big deal about it – lots of air in the discussion – including not insisting we talk in person.
     That already feels controlling and dramatic.

     Text works fine including giving lots of ‘air’ in and time to choose words.

     Short fm’s and no debating… I would feel curious to hear him out! Agree with him! And share feelings, not impressions of how it went down in memory.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:26am

531. 531: Brandylion says:

     #427: I like Kimmie’s question. That’s how I was with PriestCD. I would think about him and how great I felt just spending time with him, and then I would feel even better. I didn’t spend much time at all, at least not in the first six months, thinking about him from a “why hasn’t he called me” and “where is this relationship going” kind of place.

     I wonder if Rori can clarify this (if she hasn’t already in the posts since 427…).

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:29am

532. 532: ulii says:

     @ Daria

     Thanks again for the advice, I will check into that later too. I have already tried some EFT (from your recommendations some months ago).. I noticed it starting to work in some things, like getting to sleep better. But then I kind of drifted away from it…

     And the unschooling stuff seems really interesting ( I have actually though about this when i think about having children some day.. )

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:31am

533. 533: ulii says:

     @ Smile 516

     Thanks! I’m sure i find the answers…or if not, they won’t be so important anyway.

     The expression to separate “wheat from the chaff” — is it British? You are in UK? I think I understand the meaning yes.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:38am

534. 534: Smile says:

     Ulii yes I live in England. I guess it’s just sorting them out between the good and bad right or wrong or how ever you want to divide men lol.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 11:59am

535. 535: Smile says:

     Esteemed there is a lot of love for you on the blog at the min 

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:00pm

536. 536: Memulo says:

     Friends invited me to an amazing party tonight. It feels weird, he doesn’t even know I’m going. He is silent not because he is upset with me?? I didn’t say happy July 4th in my text?

     I think most probably he went to visit his family outside of the city, but I don’t know.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

537. 537: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     519 – Yes. He did everything but actually propose. He gave me every reason to believe he was about to. That is what I called it, because that is what came to mind. I feel curious…can you think of a more apt term for which to summarize this awful incident?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:16pm

538. 538: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     538 – “Esteemed there is a lot of love for you on the blog at the min ”

     Thank you! I feel it, and I feel deeply grateful for all of you women! I love you all!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:18pm

539. 539: Smile says:

     Esteemed- I personally associate the word fake as pretend. But we all communicate differently and interpret thing differently. Hmm another word for the (((situation))) … Suggested, Expected… It’s a hard one, I don’t think one word can actually define it. The more I read the more I understood.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

540. 540: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     533 – Thank you very much for your input! When you say “lots of air”, do I understand you correctly to mean many pauses where there is just silence?

     As for doing it by text, no – that is charted territory with him! And what I found is that this particular conflict is so charged, and so complicated, that he USES the text as a means to just step away the moment he feels uncomfortable. It is just too personal of a discussion to do anything other than in person. I want the advantage of my every expression and every tone of voice, to convey the love I feel for him.

     And, likewise, I want the advantage of his expressions and tone of voice to really FEEL my way. Because please remember, sometimes my lack of experience in social situations leaves me in the dark, and I can go down a rabbit hole before I realize I am burying myself. I feel sure that I am doing the right thing by having it in person.

     He will stay in generalities, like make a blanket statement like, “I didn’t lead you on. That was your imagination that I was going to propose to you.”

     If I give him the example of the ring missing and then reappearing the very day he showed up unannounced, he will simply say, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I never took your ring.”

     Here is what I think…I know we are not supposed to get into the mind of a man, but I think in this case, it keeps me from walking in the dark. He is highly intelligent. He has genius level intelligence. In simple things, feeling messages work fine. But in this case, I want to communicate to his heart, not just blindly state my feelings.

     I think that he is thinking ahead to if he actually proposes. If this mar remains in our past, it will overshadow the beauty of his proposal in the future. I think he wants to completely separate himself from it. I don’t think he is an inherent liar. But I think in this case he is embellishing the truth as a means of protecting the beauty of a future proposal.

     If he can get me to believe it was all a big misunderstanding, it will give us a fresh start.

     Me? I believe that at the core of a healthy relationship are the following:

     Love
     Trust
     Communication

     I feel a need to stay in the truth of what actually happened. I think in the long term, it will build a healthier, deeper relationship, if he can admit that it was intentional that he did it, but that it was not his intention to hurt me. That I believe. And that I can accept.

     I feel keenly interested in your thoughts and feelings around this.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:32pm

541. 541: Esteemed says:

     From what I’ve gathered, talking with his Mom three years ago, I think R grew up in a household where everyone keeps a smooth veneer as a higher priority than truth. I saw his Mom sweeping the reality of his mental illness under the carpet and treating him like a sick little boy who would be all better if he just took a walk or had a glass of water.

     I see his relationship with his parents as very superficial. I don’t want a superficial relationship with R. IF it is to be a long term, serious relationship, I don’t want to set a precedent that I will sweep anything distasteful under the rug in order to build a smooth veneer.

     I want us to meet heart to heart. I don’t want him to think he can manipulate me with his intelligent mind to believe whatever he chooses for me to believe. I want a relationship based in reality.

     And there, that last paragraph is a good part of the speech that I intend to write.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

542. 542: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     542 – “Esteemed- I personally associate the word fake as pretend. But we all communicate differently and interpret thing differently. Hmm another word for the (((situation))) … Suggested, Expected… It’s a hard one, I don’t think one word can actually define it. The more I read the more I understood.”

     Thanks for your feedback. I really do want to come up with a better way to refer to it. I have called it “fake proposal” to R, and he was obviously triggered.

     What I am trying to take into consideration is that romance is very important to him, and he considers himself very romantic and wants to be the world’s best lover. So to try to get Don Juan to admit that he messed up in the proposal department is like telling a professional driver he is a lousy driver or telling an attorney he lost a court debate.

     Maybe I could call it the misunderstood proposal? That is not a blame-placing, triggering term, right?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:43pm

543. 543: Esteemed says:

     Ulii,

     536 – The expression to separate “wheat from the chaff” is from the Bible.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

544. 544: Esteemed says:

     Ulii,

     532 – Aww, thank you so much! You said, “It doesn’t matter as long as it’s not happening in real life.”

     I feel unclear…what do you mean? What doesn’t matter?

     I am doing my best to let go of expectations. Yes, I have chosen to enjoy him in the moment. But I am doing my best to keep my deeper feelings under lock and key. And I am treating it as a platonic friendship in reality.

     I throw all this other stuff in there as I try to figure it out, because I believe in my heart of hearts that he is far more interested in me than just as a friend.

     But the wisdom of Solomon is finally sinking in: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:49pm

545. 545: Daria says:

     Esteemed – “he USES the text as a means to just step away the moment he feels uncomfortable.”

     Exactly – this is what I want and why text works well – it allows for air

     if i were you – and in my own life – i want to practice ALWAYS giving a man the energetic freedom to just step away the moment he feels uncomfortable

     so that’s why text, and ‘air’, works well… so that the man has room to move when he feels uncomfortable (and thus be inspired to come back)

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:50pm

546. 546: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed

     It will be okay! I have every faith in you…

     ((((((esteemed))))))))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:52pm

547. 547: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed

     It will be okay! I have every faith in you…

     ((((((esteemed))))))))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:52pm

548. 548: Daria says:

     Esteemed – i wouldnt call it the misunderstood proposal

     i would call ill it “when I got the impression I was going to be proposed to”

     also be prepared to listen to his version which wont agree with yours

     you are likely to feel triggered, mistrustful, scared, angry, heartbroken

     “I’m feeling confused and mistrustful. I still feel confused about my missing and reappearing ring”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:55pm

549. 549: Femininewoman says:

     Rori has written here about healing trauma without going back into the story. She says going back into the past is re-traumatizing experience that is unnecessary.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:56pm

550. 550: Smile says:

     Esteemed, I can see why he might have been triggered if you used that term with him. I get bad vibes from the word fake too. It carries blame for me. misunderstood however I think is the exact word which describes it.

     Esteemed I’m going to put this out there and feel vulnerable to suggesting it but I am enquiring about it with your best interests at heart but how would you feel if it really was a misunderstanding.

     In your heart maybe this is what you wanted and so connected signs that actually were connected together by
     your mind because of your desire?

     It doesn’t explain things that are face like the ring etc but maybe all the links and connections that have painted the bigger picture actually were never meant to be connected.
     Maybe the money was not actually related to the ring?

     It feels like your trying to get him to just admit it?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

551. 551: Rebecca says:

     Esteemed

     Can I also ask, was it you that finished this relationship because you were so upset by the fake proposal?

     Are you prepared to truly forgive him, even if he never tells you the truth?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

552. 552: Jasmine says:

     The one who finished the relationship was him by telling her it was just a friendship, wasn’t it?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:02pm

553. 553: Daria says:

     Esteemed – the only way to communicate with a man’s heart is to get out of his head and share YOUR feelings in feeling messages

     AND by giving him room to step back anytime he feels uncomfortable

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:05pm

554. 554: Daria says:

     ” “I don’t know what you are talking about. I never took your ring.”

     “oh… i feel so scared and confused… i dont believe u and i dont want to feel that way… and i want to feel trusting and close and … i dont know how… how do you think we should handle this?”

     “i feel so confused aobut it appearing and disappearing… i just dont believe you and i feel scared!… i want to believe you and feel trusting and good… what do you think? can you help me?”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:08pm

555. 555: Jasmine says:

     Daria,

     I think if she tells him “she doesn’t believe him” he’s going to feel attacked.

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:09pm

556. 556: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     526 – thank you so much! I feel you feeling me on the situation. And yes, I can tell you have been thru something similar.

     You said, “But what I didn’t like about it was the way he managed the situation… he was cold, uncompassionate. He hurt you like I can’t imagine and you must really be in love to give him a second chance.”

     Yes, he was. It is a major reason why it was hard for me to let it go for a couple of years. I have long since come to terms with it, and I have told him I am willing to let it go. He is the one now hanging onto it. He says his reputation is being attacked, and he won’t just let that go.

     I ran it by K, blow by blow, in 2009. K is very much in love with me, and he knows me well. He is in prison, and he has seen a lot. This situation left him shocked. He called R sadistic.

     I believe the uncompassionate part is the schizophrenia at work. I do not believe R himself has a cruel heart. It is very challenging and confusing to separate the two. Most women would have rightfully walked away many times over. Because believe me, this is not an isolated time being hurt. This was just the worst time.

     In 2009, I sent R a video of a cruel person who was caught on an apartment elevator. He was walking his girlfriend’s dog. He repeatedly called the dog to him. The little dog would excitedly put her front paws on the man’s legs, and the man would kick him across the elevator. This happened about 3 times going down the elevator.

     After I sent it to him, I told him I felt like the little dog, being called closer and then kicked away every time I responded to his love. He said little. I barely got any response from him at all.

     What I have found is that he is very moody. At times, he can act like two different people. Having talked with his mom in the past, I believe that the tender, sweet man is the real R. That is the man with whom I am in love!

     You said, “I still don’t understand why he’d tell you you were just a friend when things were going so well? It’s not that you were pushing him to do anything, everything was apparently right. It’s kinda complicated for me to understand, I wouldn’t imagine what it was for you.”

     Yes, it was so confusing that I felt half crazy at times. I don’t know for sure, but the best conclusion I have reached is that he was trying to show me that HE was the leader in the relationship. He was not going to be committed to me unless HE brought that about. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just loved him and kept trying to bring him closer. I would handle it far differently if I had it to do over again.

     You said, “you’re the one trying to get him back and everything is on his terms although he was the one who hurt you. As much as you might have done things wrong, it is not your fault.”

     This is true. I have continued to try too hard to get him back. I am doing my best to get that and keep that in balance. Thank you for the reminder.

     You said, “Listen to him, but don’t lose your own voice. Don’t try to justify his actions or believe that he’s right just because you want things to work again and you desperately love him. He is so determined that he won’t admit that he did anything wrong, and that’s going to be a tough situation for you to handle because you’re the vulnerable one here. He’s even reluctant. I relate to that kind of man, and sometimes we lose ourselves trying to make them understand us, and you’ve been really soft trying to not blame him, but remember you DID suffer.”

     thank you, I need to hear this. That is why I am putting the truth of the incident ahead of how badly I want the relationship. I want to be with him, but I don’t want it badly enough to compromise what I know is true. I want to hear his side, but I have seen it full of half truths up until now. I still feel a lot of confusion.

     You said, “I think you’ve exposed yourself too much and he’s clearly ruling you.”

     That helps me be objective about myself and how I am relating to him. I have tried to move away from that, but I see I am still too much in his hands. I have often wondered if I should protect my heart by NOT using feeling messages with him. But I still do it. I felt good the other night telling him my world doesn’t orient around him…trying to take away some of his power. But I didn’t feel entirely genuine saying it, LOL.

     You said, “Hope my words aren’t harsh, but your situation worries me and I do want you to be ok.”

     Thank you, I didn’t find it harsh at all. I appreciate your caring. Hugs back to you!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:10pm

557. 557: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     557 – thank you, your feeling messages are so good! I know it will trigger him to tell him I don’t believe him, as Jasmine said. but I wonder if maybe he needs to hear that?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

558. 558: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     556 – Yes, and you see that I use a lot of feeling messages with him. But I also want to be wise in the situation. I have made a lot of mistakes with him, and I am trying my best to keep my eyes wide open so I am not so naive as to what he wants from me. I am trying to learn, not only about relationships, but about him, and what makes him tick, and what I am doing that is bothering him.

     You are right, I should let him step back whenever he feels uncomfortable. Let’s just say I want to do my best to not say anything to make him uncomfortable. But he has hidden behind text messages, and I have had too many long distance relationships that have KEPT me naive about relationships, because I didn’t have the benefit of facial expressions, tone of voice, and body position.

     He used to regularly insist on in person interactions, until he got to the point where he trusted me and knew I wouldn’t lie to him.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

559. 559: Daria says:

     Jasmine and Esteemed – yes hmm its the truth

     how can we put it in feeling messages

     i usually go with “i feel scared and mistrustful… it would feel so good to feel safe and solid and with trust… and i dont feel that way… can u help me?”

     “i’m still feeling confused and mistrustful. I feel confused about the disappearance and reappearance of the ring… i want to feel safe and solid with you and right now i feel Terrified and closed in to myself… i want to feel good… what do you think?”

     hmmmf

     i wonder if Rori has any ideas?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:25pm

560. 560: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I think feeling messages only work when he’s opening up. If he neglects you or backs off, just leave him alone. Whenever he comes back, don’t be so soft and caring until you’re both on the same page. I don’t mean being indifferent or any of that, but make sure to feel that he’s INTO the situation just as much as you are. I know it is good to be warm with the ones we love, but sometimes there should be some symmetry regarding the way we treat each other. If you’re too warm when he’s kinda cold, everything is going to turn against you. That’s what I think…

     Jasmine

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:26pm

561. 561: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     554 – “Can I also ask, was it you that finished this relationship because you were so upset by the fake proposal?

     Are you prepared to truly forgive him, even if he never tells you the truth?”

     No, he finished it. In the days and weeks after the misunderstood proposal, I was doing everything in my power to “fix” it. We had been on the border of making up, and he even invited me to his house, which was rare, but my trust had been so violated that he could see my lack of trust all over my face. I had learned that if it went well, that was the sign that he was about to hurt me.

     I forgave him immediately, because that is my nature. I was damaged and it didn’t occur to me to walk away. But I couldn’t just give him trust when I no longer trusted him. I still struggle with trust when he says sweet things. I try to just stay in the moment, but I feel underlying doubt that any moment I am about to be hurt.

     After a number of attempts to go back to where we were, and a number of times where I lost my temper and crazy texted him all sorts of accusations, he ended it in the beginning of November, after the proposal incident in July. I hardly saw him for 1.5 years after that.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:28pm

562. 562: Daria says:

     Esteemed – this is just not something id really ‘bring up’

     since he’s bringing it up over text… id feel thrilled! and go with that

     i doubt it would feel leaned back and open for you yourself to bring it up in person in a scheduled meeting

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:28pm

563. 563: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     563 – Ok, thank you. i will give that some thought.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:31pm

564. 564: Daria says:

     Esteemed – he sounds like a regular guy with skitzophrenia to me. we’re all geniuses. skitzophrenics can be a lil more in touch with it .

     what makes him tick is what makes all men tick hehe and Rori teaches it

     he’s attracted to high difficulty sirens, who treat him with warmth and give him space to move

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:32pm

565. 565: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     553 – I feel sure that the loan was NOT for a ring. So yes, I may have been mistaken on SOME of the things that added up to an imminent proposal. I think him singing a karoake song, “I’m working hard to buy you a ring” may well have had nothing to do with a proposal.

     But look at that poem alone, and the way we wrote it so romantically, just days before the misunderstanding. Would you write such a deep, intimate poem with a man and think he had no feelings for you???

     If he had no intentions of leading me on to believe he was going to propose, why would he have called a special meeting just to tell me it’s a friendship, that he was not in love with me? And that was not the only time he did that. He did that the day after we got naked together the first time, months earlier. I can’t answer that question why with any other explanation, and I have tried.

     Then there is his prayer which I overheard, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

566. 566: Rebecca says:

     Esteem

     I am just wondering if the reason you are scared to see him is that he still might want a physical relationship with you, and this must feel very difficult after he’s hurt you so much.

     Please tell me if I’ve over stepped the mark here?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:36pm

567. 567: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     567 – I agree that the things that make him tick are what make all men tick. I feel kind of pushed aside with generalizations tho.

     let me ask you this, in your geniusness, do you plan months ahead and say and do things to bring about scenarios? Do you spend hours thinking about what will inspire a person to do what you want them to do? I am talking about a man who regularly outsmarts people. He has all his psychiatrists snowed as to what he is really about.

     As far as what makes him tick, I mean I am wanting to get to know what is important to R himself, his personal passions. He is unusually taken with all things feminine. Moreso than the average man. He is far more interested in women than in cars, for example.

     It feels bad when what I am trying to express is trivialized, and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

568. 568: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     569 – you haven’t overstepped anything. I am putting some highly personal stuff out there on a public blog, so I am tuff and I can take it.

     He is the one who backed away from any physical relationship. I don’t feel scared to see him. I want a physical relationship with him, very much. the part I fear is that I can’t trust when he says anything that brings us closer. right away I start looking around the next corner to see if he is trying to lead me on and let me down again.

     I want that to be healed, and I think only time can heal it. I am doing my best to keep my heart open, even in the face of wondering if that is a wise thing to do. But I see a lot of growth in him.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

569. 569: Smile says:

     I don’t think how he felt about you was a misunderstanding, I feel those feelings for both of you were true. But maybe he sensed you thought he was going to propose and whilst he had a lot of feelings for you. Could you have been on a different page?

     It feels to be like you keep going round in circles and getting in the way until he admits it for you, but what if on his part there was actually no imminent proposal to admit to. What if he can never tell you what you want to hear?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

570. 570: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     565 – “Esteemed – this is just not something id really ‘bring up’

     since he’s bringing it up over text… id feel thrilled! and go with that

     i doubt it would feel leaned back and open for you yourself to bring it up in person in a scheduled meeting”

     I feel confused. I am sorry, I don’t understand what you wrote.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

571. 571: Smile says:

     I mean a different page as in a different stage of the relationship. Woman move towed marriage much quicker than a man even though they show signs of commitment which may suggest it will lead to marriage when he was ready.

     I’m wondering what made him withdraw?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:52pm

572. 572: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     572 – Well it has been really uncomfortable at many junctures, because I didn’t know how to address it. I can’t know for sure, because he rarely opens up with his feelings.

     But I feel pretty confident that if I had the Siren skills then that I have now, a whole lot of this wouldn’t have ever happened. Many, many times I have initiated and taken the lead with him. I have most definitely gotten in his way, and it has taken the relationship backward.

     I think the fact that we are still friends after all this time in itself shows he is interested. I don’t think he would invest so much time and effort if he didn’t have at least some feelings for me. Again, it is a long, complex relationship, and it’s hard to convey everything I know about him in a few paragraphs.

     I believe in my heart that he is attracted to me and hopes for a romantic relationship in the future.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

573. 573: Daria says:

     yes Esteeemed i do. you do too and so do many of the ladies on the blog.

     many of humans i know are skilled strategizers

     im pushing you aside with generalizations because you are pushing you aside with specifications. theser are just nv’s and subconscious resistance

     i dont feel comfortable to share anymore. i feel like im pushing on you now.

     goodluck!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 1:59pm

574. 574: Daria says:

     Esteemed – this is just to clarify:

     im saying the conversation – if brought up by YOU in PERSON seems like it woudl carry way more heaviness and controlling and intensity than would be helpful

     brought up by HIM whether in text or in person is so much more conducive to connection

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:00pm

575. 575: Smile says:

     Sirens I’m reaching out for your words of wisdom…

     Ive got to either make a decision alone or lean forward to get an answer.

     Strumming man has been invited to my friends wedding with me. We’ve been slowly rebuilding things over the last month. He’s finally leaning forward to me and stepping up a little at a time after saying he missed me and wanted to change everything that had happened. I have not taken this as he wants to get back with me but I am open to him and he is taking the lead. He has seen the invites and knows he is invited but I have not asked him yet.

     I now have to make a decision as the seating arrangemnts have to be done. They need to know ASAP.

     Should I lean back and not say anything ( this feels wrong in my gutt)

     Do I say something like. It would feel really good to go to the wedding with you, what do you think?’ next time he calls.

     I would really like to go as a couple but I would be ok if he didn’t want to go. If he wasn’t ready to do that.

     My head is aching

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:01pm

576. 576: Memulo says:

     I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t feel right to text him happy july 4th, so I won’t. I don’t know when he is going to reappear again. I don’t know why he is treating me this way. I did not deserve it. Even if he can’t spend today with me, tell me, make plans for another day. I know I can make my own plans and tell him that when he calls. Just it’s the only few days this summer when I could take time off and he knows it, and I am crying when I think I am not spending them with him. it feels terrible and I did not expect it at all.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:04pm

577. 577: Daria says:

     sorry you think its trivialized

     however these are normal

     being interested in and worshipping women is very common in men

     its been a common trait in the skitzophrenic men ive dated in particular

     theyve been absolute geniuses

     they strategize and plan well in advance to organize multiple people, not just one

     this is just what men and humans do

     we all do

     sure you can say that about ryan being a genius – but all that stands out to me is how YOU dont think YOU’re a genius

     i on the other hand really think i am a genius.
     and feel weird and confused to hear another’s genius so aknowledged seemingly “above others”

     personally i dont think anyone is any more genius than me, even the genius men i’ve met

     even einstein or jezus or anyone really

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:05pm

578. 578: Femininewoman says:

     Smile did you ask your Goddess self what should you do?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

579. 579: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     574 – I could list 100 different things that made him withdraw, and maybe 100 more, quite easily. I really made major relational blunders… I easily admit that, because I didn’t know what I was doing at all. I was like a 16 year old in her first relationship in many ways.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:14pm

580. 580: Daria says:

     Esteemed – last ditch effort:

     here’s the step by step of what i would tweak

     > drop the ‘must talk about “THIS” in person INTENSITY

     > use ONLY feeling messages

     > watch for the voices who say – “yes but feeling messages won’t help here, i should be wise, i should be telling my mind version, feeling messages are not enough to share my heart” – BECOME AWARE AND SPEAK TO THE VOICES start referring to yourself as a Genius regularly

     > assume Ryan is a MAN and thinks/feels/behaves like other men that Rori teaches about

     > quit referring to him as lying/manipulating/pretending even if that is waht you are aboslutely Convinced in your mind is what’s happening (this will give energetic room to shift) – instead, notice these thoughts and speak to them reassuringly. Write them down and translate to feeling messages and repeat THOSE to yourself when you notice the thought

     > STOP THE INTENSITY ABOUT WANTING TO “KNOW” ABOUT HIS PERSONAL PASSIONS. Curiosity is one thing, intense drive is another. COMMIT to using this INTENSITY ONLY!!! ON YOUR PASSIONS.

     When he talks about things that are about him, listen. DO NOT ask a lot of extra questions. DO NOT MAKE THIS A GOAL OR OBJECTIVE

     A relationship is not built around the PASSION in his heart, its built on yours. obsessing and being desperate and piny for his is a pointing arrow to the absence of YOURS.

     you will NOT get to use a man’s passion to take the place of your own – thank goodness – look at this desire as a signal that your little girl is desperately seeking to know you.

     Pull a switcheroo here and turn into the Femiine Role. Let him get drawn into YOUR PASSION.

     If that feels lonely, let yourself feel it. Babystep on stuff about your passion.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:16pm

581. 581: Femininewoman says:

     I don’t feel comfortable to share anymore. I feel like I am pushing on you now.

     Daria those words dialled up my level of respect for you. It is the first time I am experiencing this here. I felt like bowing down to a delicate flower. Was that my masculine energy kicking in?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:17pm

582. 582: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     580 – I think I am highly intelligent. R is more intelligent than me. That is a biological fact, just as sure as I weigh more than him.

     It is proven scientifically that some are more intelligent than others. The IQ is quite accurate. I worked with mentally handicapped kids for 6 years, people who functioned at about a 2 year old level. It was a major accomplishment to teach a child to kick a ball or wash his hands with soap.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:18pm

583. 583: Smile says:

     Femininewoman, I suppose I’ve been thinking about this for months as I knew it would get to this time.

     My gut says to speak to him and ask with no pressure.

     But I’m scared that if he says yes and doesn’t end up going I will be sat next to an empty place at the table

     I’m feeling my fear.

     I made the decision last month to go to a wedding without him. He knows he missed out on one and that I’d be happy to go alone. This is not my fear it’s my fear of him withdrawing nearer the time.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

584. 584: Daria says:

     Smile – I wonder why he’s not being asked about seating arrangements?

     also personally, i think this requires his help if my seating is tied to his. i would – me myself – call briefly and ask for his help in making the decision

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

585. 585: Femininewoman says:

     Smile I believe you have your answer. However I would also check in with myself to see how desperate I am for him to be there. Also if it is to soothe my wounded ego wondering how it would feel if he doesn’t show up and someone asks about it.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

586. 586: Daria says:

     Smile – what i meant is, i wonder why he doesnt have to answer the same q as you about seating to the inviting party?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

587. 587: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     583 – Thank you soooooooooooo much! I love everything you wrote! I will study it and really take it to heart! I can’t thank you enough!!!!!!!!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

588. 588: siren song says:

     esteemed,

     i know i value in men what i am not seeing in myself….guy who loves me is sexy and strong and intense (things i deny in myself). my other fave CD is sweet and easy going (things i also have in spades but rarely acknowledge).

     you are totally a genius. that’s why you like ryan so much.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

589. 589: siren song says:

     oops sorry i meant to just type ‘r’.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

590. 590: Daria says:

     Smile – oh gosh! if you ahve an empty seat near you… they’ll take the seat away… and there’s so many other guests to connect with and flirt with! youll be SO OK!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:31pm

591. 591: siren song says:

     “obsessing and being desperate and piny for his is a pointing arrow to the absence of YOURS.”

     oooh good point daria

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:31pm

592. 592: Femininewoman says:

     Smile it reminds me of the movie Deliver us From Eva. Her boyfriend did not show up for a party until an auspicious moment when her ex Luscius was trying to humiliate her. She had gone anyway and was trying to enjoy herself without him.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:31pm

593. 593: Smile says:

     Daria- I suppose he isn’t being asked about seating arrangements as it’s my friend getting married and strumminb man is invited as my partner. – is this what you were asking?

     I want to go to the wedding with him it would great.

     I feel the realtionship is still tender. I do not feel secure in our relationship again yet. I’m hopeful this will come with time but I have been doing so well at leaning back that asking him would feel like leaning forward?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:32pm

594. 594: Daria says:

     wow FeminineWoman thanks!

     i dont knwo what that was that you experienced (masc or fem)

     i feel awed and thrilled and a lil bit scared (undeserving of this honor)

     also i notice how much im beating myself up for continuing to write after.

     THANK YOU for acknowledging that for me. ive been practicing mucho not pushing on ppl as i share powerful ideas in my real life, and the practice is showing up on blog hehe

     its quite a physical thing. i literally lean back soemtimes

     and if i get too intense and shaky i know i wont want to continue with that energy, so i lean back to get back into an Ocean, energetically non invasive feeling

     im also practicing it with looks and everything, i can feel when my energy is invasive/threatening and when its passive and non invasive now in my body

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:36pm

595. 595: Daria says:

     Smile – asking him would be leaning forward, unless its to clarify your own plans – in which case its about taking care of you and asking for his help

     hello?

     mr. handsome?

     mm do you have 5 min right now to speak or is this not a good time?

     mm im feeling all flustered being asked to confirm about wedding arrangements… what should i say ?”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:38pm

596. 596: Femininewoman says:

     Thank you for sharing that awesome awareness Daria. I know it is something that needs healing in my own energetic field so it feels really enlightening for me to witness you modelling this. Even the additional sharing did not feel pushy. I really appreciate this.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

597. 597: Smile says:

     Feminine woman/Daria

     I am fine to go without him. I know lots of people there. I will be surrounded by friends. My friend I have known my whole life.

     I suppose I feel my friends are fed up of us being on off on off all the time which is why I talk to you sirens about it. I don’t feel any pressure here to define whether we are together or not.

     I feel silly panicking over an empty chair. But in the past he has not shown up when he said he would.

     Your right Daria they wouldn’t leave an empty chair I hope but his name would be on the board as that gets made before the day.

     My fear is other people’s judgements if he doesn’t show.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

598. 598: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     578 – I would tell him I feel weird about the upcoming wedding with him being there, or something to that effect that feels genuine, and let him take it from there. I would just express my feelings surrounding it, maybe adding, “I wonder how we should handle it?”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:43pm

599. 599: Smile says:

     Daria I love this thank you! Your very good at scripting!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:44pm

600. 600: Femininewoman says:

     OMG now I feel my heart like it has opened more, my breathing heavy and teary eyed. I also feel heavy tongued and tightened throat as if I am trying to stifle my heart into shutting back down.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:45pm

601. 601: Smile says:

     Esteemed your right thank you. I need to put the decision back on him.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:46pm

602. 602: Femininewoman says:

     Looking at myself it seems because I am not used to or good at receiving compliments I am stingy at giving them. So now that I have pushed at my upper limit and made a big leap my body has jumped into panic mode. WOW what0a realization.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

603. 603: Smile says:

     I am going to deal with my fear through visualising, imagining him there so I can kiss my fear goodbye

     I’m thinking positive. It’s work so far

     Get out of my head fear! Make room for positivity!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

604. 604: Femininewoman says:

     Even though I feel nauseous and panicky around my worthiness I intend to believe that I am worthy of compliments. I love me. I am open and receptive to all the love in the Universe.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

605. 605: goldenflower says:

     STOP THE INTENSITY ABOUT WANTING TO “KNOW” ABOUT HIS PERSONAL PASSIONS. Curiosity is one thing, intense drive is another. COMMIT to using this INTENSITY ONLY!!! ON YOUR PASSIONS.

     When he talks about things that are about him, listen. DO NOT ask a lot of extra questions. DO NOT MAKE THIS A GOAL OR OBJECTIVE

     A relationship is not built around the PASSION in his heart, its built on yours. obsessing and being desperate and piny for his is a pointing arrow to the absence of YOURS.

     you will NOT get to use a man’s passion to take the place of your own – thank goodness – look at this desire as a signal that your little girl is desperately seeking to know you.

     Pull a switcheroo here and turn into the Femiine Role. Let him get drawn into YOUR PASSION.

     If that feels lonely, let yourself feel it. Babystep on stuff about your passion.

     All of this is pure gold. A lightbulb went off, crying tears too, I feel relief in reading this.
     I feel my little girl saying is it really ok to be myself, to be my passionate authentic self and is that feminine. Is my passion male, am i not more like my overly passionate yet cold father than my passive dumbed down mother. She would never be seen as passionate , i wish she would have rooted for herself and been stronger.
     This is interesting, i feel like I am not as feminine as other women. This is a damaging belief. I dress and act very feminine I think but i feel like it is a mask. I feel love and compassion for my own lack of ambition , my negation of my own need to be myself. I love my fear of embracing me as a woman and a radiant being. I am passionate, I feel passionate about finding and feeling my own passion in life.
     Thankyou so much for these insights Daria.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:53pm

606. 606: Esteemed says:

     Siren Song,

     591 – Awww, thank you!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

607. 607: goldenflower says:

     Above post quoting from 583: Daria

     sorry, missed ref off top of the post.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:56pm

608. 608: Femininewoman says:

     How would other people’s judgement affect you?

     Why is it that their judgement is so important?

     Or is it that you generally feel icky or lonely at weddings?

     What do weddings mean to you?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 2:57pm

609. 609: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     577 – “Esteemed – this is just to clarify:

     im saying the conversation – if brought up by YOU in PERSON seems like it woudl carry way more heaviness and controlling and intensity than would be helpful

     brought up by HIM whether in text or in person is so much more conducive to connection”

     I see, true.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:05pm

610. 610: Smile says:

     Hm thought probing questions thank you feminine woman.

     I love weddings or any opportunity that brings friends and family together. Friends and family are my most treasured thing in life and it’s my desire to have him share in this. He holds the same beliefs and values about this. The other wedding he didn’t go to was for a friend who was an aquuntance so it didn’t matter he wasn’t there as I only knew a few people myself. But this one is different. I’m also her bridesmaid.

     It’s people’s judgement about us being on and off. Mostly my friends. She has found the love of her life. I’ve found mine but she can’t see why he can’t just step up.

     I’ve stopped talking to my friends about strumming man now

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:09pm

611. 611: Esteemed says:

     Daria,

     576 – “im pushing you aside with generalizations because you are pushing you aside with specifications. theser are just nv’s and subconscious resistance

     i dont feel comfortable to share anymore. i feel like im pushing on you now.

     goodluck!”

     Ok, I just found this post to me. Please understand, Daria, I HIGHLY VALUE your words to me. I was not trying to argue with you…I was discussing. I was trying to understand, and trying to feel understood.

     I wonder what this means: “you are pushing you aside with specifications”. I don’t understand.

     I don’t feel like you are pushing on me. I was just communicating. I like your input. Even if I don’t always agree, doesn’t mean I want you to stop. I like open, deeply honest, two-way communication. What do you think/feel?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:12pm

612. 612: Smile says:

     If it was a christening or a party it would be different as there wouldn’t be the seating pressure. People wouldn’t know if he was meant to be there or not. It’s the empty chair scenario again that people would think.. He was meant to be here but he is not. I wonder why?

     I don’t want people guessing my relationship when they don’t know the ins and outs of the process we are going through.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:14pm

613. 613: LobbyStar says:

     Esteemed

     560: Instead of “I don’t believe you,” maybe you could say “I want to believe you.” ?

     I’ve read bits of your R story here and there since I came to the blog, but this thread has filled in the gaps, and I really, really feel you on this. I have endured a similar situation with my Cy, though not quite as traumatic. He told me he loved me, and a few weeks later said he was “confused about the romantic part” and pretty much he just wanted to be friends. I told him that if a day ever came where I didn’t want to say snarky things to him, we could be friends again, and that day came about 6 months later.

     So now we are friends, but I want more. I love him. And I don’t know how to deal with it.

     I watch you now, and I see how far you’ve come in just the time I’ve been following the blog. And I aspire to a similar amount of clarity.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:16pm

614. 614: Healing Waterfall says:

     Hello lovely sirens

     It has been a while since I have posted on the blog, I have been feeling very active. I am feeling blessed with more promising CD’s and receiving male gifts and energies, that visualization FW talked about, with the waterwheel and men bringing gifts and fixing things, even though the visualization felt really impossible at first, really shifted my space, and I have been receiving help with car repairs, lunches, computer help, support around my son’s health, it has been feeling very supportive. I really love feeling good receiving….thank-you so very much for this blog and for Dominique, who has helped me to learn how to receive.
     I really do still feel challenged about what constitutes chasing a man, this has to be the most difficult for me to totally move more into feminine energy….

     so here is my question: I was really needing support, my son was sick for days, and a child died Sunday that went through cancer treatment at the same time as my son, and I felt really anxious. I asked for support by texting one of my cd’s who is really good at listening and really enjoys fixing things or helping me shift my emotions. And he called me and it really brightened my mood and helped me feel more calm as we went to the doctor again….and my son is fine, thankfully, but I wonder, would it have been more effective to call a female friend? My female friends would have just listened, whereas my CD really grounded me and reassured me. And then texted me today asking me how my son was.

     I have also noticed that some of my CD’s drop away when I don’t text them right back, they seem to get discouraged. And other CD’s don’t care, they just keep emailing, whether or not I respond…..

     This is so amazing….this CDing…..and so if anyone has a response to my question about is asking for support when it is really needed chasing a man, looking forward to your feedback….

     love and ease in leaning back for all of us…..

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:16pm

615. 615: Memulo says:

     Waiting for my friends to pick me up and feeling happy and peaceful. I know I will tell him how I feel when I get a chance. I will be relaxed, otherwise happy and speaking my truth outloud;) I don’t know

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:26pm

616. 616: Healing Waterfall says:

     Hi Memulo!

     It feels nice to read your post, I am not sure what is going on for you, but glad to hear that you are feeling happy and peaceful. That sounds expansive and not contracted, it sounds powerful and courageous to speak your truth from an expansive place….

     Hugs

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:30pm

617. 617: Smile says:

     Why do people have to see relationships as black and White?

     “so are you together?” people ask me…

     He withdrew from the relationship when we moved in together and he lost his job also my unsireny old ways pushed him away by accident

     We are slowly rebuilding trust and intimacy

     I’m comfortable being in the grey area= no pressure for it to be something or not be something but it’s moving forward

     Do other sirens agree with being okay in the grey area?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:31pm

618. 618: Brandylion says:

     FW, #524: I will commit to that mantra. I have been feeling not good about my body lately.

     Is this another Siren challenge? Who else is in?

     I am beautiful. I am beauty. It is my body; I get to love it. It is mine.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:31pm

619. 619: Femininewoman says:

     Smile YEP.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:34pm

620. 620: goldenflower says:

     497: Esteemed .
     I havd just read your story with R. it is truly awful and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I feel so much sadness for this history. I am so glad you are beyond this situation now and have healed and done so much to move yourself on.
     i am confused, thers so many posts to read I may have missed a crucial one. I dont mean to be stupid or not get whats going on with such a complex situation but I dont understand why you are in contact with him after this happened.
     I dont understand what it is that you want from him in future. Do you hope he will get to the point of being able to be in a relationship with you or do you want to simply be his friend, or wish to speak to him about the past situation.
     From this incident he sounds like he has a very cruel side which i would not wish to be around ever.
     I truly undertsand how it feels to be in love with someone no matter what they do or how many times they hurt you. I hung onto a male friend for years as I beleived would suddenly realise I was his soulmate, I had suicidal thoughts twice over this man. I jeopardised my own health due to a false belief in fate as well as my own stubborn endurance of extreme emotional pain mixed with periods of self delusion. It was like a drug, an imaginary relationship. I will never be that again. I thank life every day that I survived and it has no control over me any more.

     I just hope that you are fully loving yourself and opening your heart to the warmth of the world like you deserve. Do not let your love for this man overule your capacity to meet the right man or to keep your options open.
     I am sorry if I have missed something crucial when I say this, it is meant with love and respect to another spirit. My instinct tells me you will meet and love a different man than this one.
     Many blessings ((((((((((esteemed)))))))))))

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:54pm

621. 621: Rebecca says:

     FW ~ your words are helping me so much. I feel so much gratitude to you.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

622. 622: Esteemed says:

     LobbyStar,

     616 – “560: Instead of “I don’t believe you,” maybe you could say “I want to believe you.” ?”

     Perfect! I love that!

     Thank you so much for your sweet words! I think the best thing to do when it feel topsy turvy is to just take it in the moment, and literally FEEL your way thru – share feeling messages at each juncture. I found the best thing I could do where R was concerned was just quit putting pressure on the relationship. I have finally learned to catch myself – for example, when he said, “I am going to the shore”, I felt sad that I wasn’t invited. I felt tempted to invite myself, as I did do three years ago. That was just met with resistance. So I invited him, and he said, “No, that feels too romantic.”

     So this time I just said, “How nice! Lucky you!” And he seemed very receptive to that. Now he is texting me from the shore, and it all feels comfortable and relaxed.

     Within a reasonable amount of time, I find it good to just say nothing about the status of the friendship…just to let it run its course. I learned that from Butterfly Wings, who hasn’t been here recently. She helped me a lot.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:05pm

623. 623: Esteemed says:

     Goldenflower,

     623 – Thank you! Well I wrote quite a bit on this thread, so I don’t blame you if you didn’t read it all!

     I hope to be his wife someday. I am not all knowing, but I know Someone who is! And I trust Him to do the impossible, and I trust Him to heal R from schizophrenia.

     This is NOT an accurate definition, but loosely defined, schizophrenia is split personality. I see two distinctly different sides to R. Like the text I sent him a day or two ago, when a computer has two conflicting operating systems, it is prone to crash. In a sense, R has two conflicting operating systems. I believe that the REAL R is the amazingly gentle, kind one, the one who will spend his day driving for nearly 12 hours in order to help save the lives of three little kittens, while everyone else is encouraging me to just have them put to sleep or let nature take its course, because I can’t afford to take them to the veet.

     So when I say I believe in him, this is what I mean. I believe his real self will win out. I am in love with him, and I believe he is my Soul Mate.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:11pm

624. 624: Esteemed says:

     Smile,

     620 – Absolutely. I don’t like being asked, “Are you together?” either. And Rori is all about dating multiple men and not committing to any of them until it feels good. I totally agree with her! Even now, I am totally open to dating other men, and I have been dating lately. I am still texting one of them, and the rest have dropped off.

     When someone asks me that, I say, “It feels personal.”, or, depending on who asks me, I might just say lightly, “We’re just friends.”

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:14pm

625. 625: Healing Waterfall says:

     Hi sirens,

     I just am feeling nervous and anxious, I am offering a lecture series that is free and my first class is in 8 days. I am nervous because I asked the tarot cards if it would be successful with the amount of advertising and energy that I have on it now and I got a “NO”. Then I asked if I increased adverstising and called friends and did some clearing statements would it be successful and I got a “YES”

     So that is good news, but the energy that is on it now has me procrastinating….

     But the other thing that I asked the tarot is whether I was capable of leaning back on my own or did I need a support system in place and I got I need a support system to really, really learn how to lean back…..so I will find a support system to do that….it is just my gf’s are all so busy with jobs and kids, they are not always around when I have one of those urges to text or email or call……so there it is, I need support to get my business to take off and to learn how to dance without reservation in feminine receiving energy….

     so i will pray for the most appropriate support systems to become apparent and readily available when i need them….

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

626. 626: Femininewoman says:

     GoLdenflower/Esteemed though this is butting in, I believe to be totally honest in taking a look at the bigger picture this is a 40 year old man with a mental illness living in his parents home and on disability. I believe He must question his masculine instinct and confidence in building a life and home for himself.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

627. 627: Femininewoman says:

     Rebecca I feel happy to read that. Thank you.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 4:38pm

628. 628: Esteemed says:

     FW,

     629 – If you mean R, he is 33. Yes, I am aware of that. He is, too. He feels the loss of the normalcy of his life.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:08pm

629. 629: Esteemed says:

     R and I are texting again while he is at the shore, and it is very rich and beautiful!

     R: Happy 4th of July

     B: thank you, happy 4th of July to you! ! !

     R: Thanks

     R: So what are you doing?

     B: I just de-flead the house. It’s a lot of work. The fleas are especially bad this year. What is going on at the shore?

     R: Well, I just rode into town on a bike.

     B: Fun! I hope to get a bike again soon. I love biking. Did you swim in the ocean?

     R: I wasn’t at the beach yet.

     B: I see. I love the ocean so much! It’s beautiful.

     R: Yea

     R: Have you ever made love in the ocean or on a boat that was on the ocean?

     B: LOL, yes, one time, except it was in a lake…does that count? He told me it was hard to keep it hard in the cold water.

     B: I would love to make love in the ocean or on a boat!

     R:

     B: How about you?

     R: No, but on the beach

     B: Ooooh cool! That is way romantic, too!

     R: Yeah

     B: When you were on the beach, was it in the dark?

     R: Yeah

     B: I think a beach is most romantic at night. Few beaches allow that anymore.

     R: It was an island that was a national park and we were camping.

     B: That’s cool! Islands are romantic, too. I have always wanted to sleep in a tent on the beach.

     R: We weren’t camping on the beach, but we walked down there, then did it.

     B: Sweet! The most romantic thing I ever did was writing that poem with you at the diner.

     R: Why was that so romantic?

     B: It was a beautiful thing to do together that left me feeling so bonded to you, almost like we had just made love. It felt like foreplay, like being caressed light as a feather.

     R: Why is that?

     B: We were writing in a combined effort, describing the emotional and spiritual aspects of lovemaking, all in the context of a romantic poem. What do you think?

     R: Yeah, that sounds romantic.

     R: What’s the next most romantic things you’ve ever done?

     B: Cuddling and pillow talk…or maybe listening to Michael Bolton with you while simply laying there gazing at each other…silently. Aaah!

     R: LOL

     B: And when you made our angels kiss on the table at the diner was next in line for adorably romantic! So many things you did were SO romantic!

     R: LOL

     R: What do you think is the essence of romance? What do you think it is about?

     B: To me, romance is a hint of something far more, far bigger, and far more beautiful that is yet to come, shared between two people, and made even more beautiful by doing it slowly, enjoying the shared emotion of the moment.

     R: I don’t really understand what you are saying.

     B: Oh, I don’t know how to define it further. How would you define romance?

     R: Kind of like a slow, sensual, joyous lead up?

     B: Yes, that works, but it could also be doing something just to do a beautiful activity on its own. It doesn’t have to involved two. It can be something like taking a bath or going to sleep hugging a pillow. Those can be made romantic, too. So what I wrote was a first draft to my own definition.

     R: I guess to me, it would be like the wooing of a woman’s heart and soul.

     R: For love

     B: I like this!

     R: Ok

     R: You like that?

     B: I feel like I didn’t know what romance was until I met you. You have a way of making every little activity special and beautiful. Yeah.

     R:

     R: Thanks

     B: YW

     R: I see romance as being so fundamental to God. I am closest to God when I am in the bedroom!

     B: I feel a flush of warmth reading that! Totally agree!

     R: So I gear my life mostly towards romance and trying to help heal the planet!

     B: I like that…Excellent.

     R: I think romance can also be a way of getting to know ur lover’s heart and soul at core levels.

     B: Yes definitely! That feels so wonderful to get to know a lover’s heart and soul! What a beautiful adventure!

     R: Yea

     R: What do u mean, u think u never knew what romance was until u met me? I thought u had a few boyfriends, read tons of romance novels, and thought and fantasized about romance tons.

     B: This is all true. But you became my new definition of romance. You took me to a deeper level of romance I had never encountered. Some of it, I had imagined….net I had never experienced it and had begun to believe it was only in my private fantasy world.

     R: Oh. Well, I think anything you can fantasize about can come true. What fantasies did I make real for you?

     B: I found the fantasies a hundred times more intense and beautiful with you there beside me!

     B: I had imagined a man talking to me softly and getting to know my heart and soul. I had imagined a man touching me like you, except you touched me more tenderly than I had imagined.

     B: And you kissed exactly like the man of my dreams!

     R: That’s beautiful.

     R: How is that?

     B: How is what?

     R: How did I kiss you?

     B: Like a perfect lip lock, perfect, pleasant feel, sensitive to me.

     R: Oh

     B: I feel vulnerable.

     R: You don’t need to . Do you want me to share something?

     B: Sure, I would enjoy that!

     R: Ok, what do you want to know?

     B: I wonder if I made any of your fantasies come true?

     R: I haven’t fantasized a lot. I didn’t become romantic until after i was already in this struggle and the schizophrenia makes it hard for me to fantasize. Of course, I dream of meeting a girl like Cinderella and having a fairy-tale love with her. What’s a fairy-tale love to u?

     B: Thank you for sharing. A fairy tale love to me is just sharing all of life together…making love, sleeping, cooking, eating, cleaning up, walking, driving, smiling, sharing, planning, fantasizing, and cuddling, kissing, and pillow talk in our underwear.

     This is the way R and I talked most of the time, the months we were dating 3 years ago…except this time, we have shared memories. This feels so amazing to me!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:28pm

630. 630: Jessie1000 says:

     esteemed!

     I believe that you can have many soul mates…is that crazy?
     WHen i left my third husband….i swear to god I told every person alive that he was my soul mate
     Every one….

     If someone suggested he wasnt since he obviously dumped me lol (im not that quick) i said no one will love each other like we did….we are star crossed lovers….we had bonds….we were a perfect match and all of that was true true true

     Now though i realize that i have alot of men out there that could be my soul mate….who fixed the rules on soul mates???

     Im starting a new rule….soulmates come in multiples and they are all yummy and wonderful!!

     I believe you when you say that you are ry had something so special between u and wonderful and intense

     And god love your special heart to love someone for their whole, not their diagnosis…I have a best friend who I grew up with …scotty with schizophrenia and he is very functioning and kind, and loves animals and has a daughter and was, when he was younger, a much stronger and more vibrant self! Now though, his meds keep him from impulses and he does have bad days, but he is still a person and I have so much love for him in my heart!

     SO….my long ramble says, I believe you are wonderful esteemed and You are a Siren and you will have so many of those soul mates when you finally lay to rest at gods hope when you are 110 years old and your memories will be of all those wonderful soul mates!

     I believe that you have so much love in you and kindness and goodness and soon you will tell us all too that there are many men that will want to care for you and love you and help you and walk beside you and I hope you find it alll in your life

     Cause we are all not getting any younger, the world is spinning and the clock is turning, children are growing and the world will keep moving with or without us involved in a social life or not!!!

     Live every day like it could be our last!

     Try new things!

     Speak to a child!

     Make a friend!

     Try something new!

     Tell all the people you love that you love them!

     Do good things to people who need it!

     Love yourselves as much as you love everyone else!

     Find a soul mate!

     Find 2 soul mates!

     Have great sex!

     Kisses everyone!!!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 5:31pm

631. 631: ReceivingGirl says:

     @323 Smile

     The party was great. It took a while for our friends to say anything, but one couple came up to us and asked if we were together. I let Mr. Observant respond and he said, “Yes!” They asked for how long and we just said a little bit. Then a couple other people said they were happy to see us together.

     The next day, Mr. Observant laughed a little and said, “When so and so asked if we were together, I answered yes, but I guess I probably should have discussed it with you prior to saying we were. I hope you didn’t mind my answer. So, do you want to officially be together with me?” LOL

     We left the party earlier than I thought we would. He’s still adjusting to his meds and I think he was being overstimulated, a couple people were asking him if he was ok, so I sort of lit the flame about leaving. He said he was tired, but wanted to make sure I was ok with leaving before he would agree to leave.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:28pm

632. 632: siren song says:

     End of day 20 (i think…i’m not even sure!). I feel great.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:31pm

633. 633: ReceivingGirl says:

     Happy 4th to those who celebrate! Most of the fireworks are cancelled here since it’s so dry & hot, worried about fires.

     I still have a hard time letting people give to me & do things for me. I had to really stop myself this morning. Mr. Observant offered to make a pot of coffee and I had to basically sit on my hands to just let him. A stinking pot of coffee!! He offers help ALL the time & my auto pilot is, thanks, but I got it. I’m trying to let him just take care of me because he so much wants to do that, but it is very hard for me to just let go.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:40pm

634. 634: Memulo says:

     Thank you HW!

     He called when I was steps away from the party place. I felt happy and excited and we had a nice little conversation. He said that he spent the whole day with the little boy, took him to some memorial to explain what July 4th is about.

     He also asked – I emailed him a photo of us together on our date last week and put on the email ‘you were wonderful’ – so he asked what was wrong and what was the bad thing he did that caused this reaction. Seriously????? I said this is how I felt, he took such a good care of me, showed me around, entertained. I felt he was a bit embarrassed. Anyway, I said I was about to enter the party and apologized that I couldn’t talk to him longer. My friends thought I should have invited him.. I didn’t. If I get a call at 7pm it is only natural that we don’t make plans the same night, isn’t it?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:48pm

635. 635: Memulo says:

     RG,

     I know what you mean.. The closer we get the harder it is for me to accept help. It’s like it is not as much a dating situation anymore, we are friends and I want to contribute as much as I can.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 6:50pm

636. 636: Esteemed says:

     Jessie,

     I enjoyed what you wrote to me. I believe we can have more than one Soul Mate. I believe I have met/known three others who missed it as my Soul Mate. One because he had married the wrong woman.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:32pm

637. 637: Esteemed says:

     RG,

     How did you feel when you were asked if you were together? When he said yes? When he asked you if it was ok?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 7:38pm

638. 638: Starla says:

     Ohhh my goodness, I feel like I missed so much here on the blog. There are hundreds of comments to catch up on. I intend to catch up on them before I go to bed:)

     I had a wonderful day with my best friend’s family at the lake. Her dad is amazing at catching fish. I feel a lot of love for everyone in her family.

     When CF and I parted ways, I decided to figure out how to be happy totally alone. To stop turning to men for what no one has ever given to me before. And now that I’ve invested so much into giving MYSELF love, comfort, and support, instead of turning to others, I have a major support network forming all on its own.

     It’s funny how when you no longer NEED something, it is there in abundance for you.

     And now I have this 100% no questions asked totally welcome place in my best friend’s family. No burden, not annoying to them, just welcomed and loved. I have never had this before!

     And my blood family is really making themselves available to me (as best they can… they’re not so skilled at it, but I see what they’re doing and appreciate it).

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:02pm

639. 639: Starla says:

     I’m noticing more and more men out in the world. For the last couple of months, it honestly seemed like there weren’t any attractive, available men walking about in the world, lol. And now they’re everywhere. And I feel so curious about all of them, and which one will be MY guy one day. That still includes CF, but the edge has come off of it.

     The universe spoke to me again, and it said “not yet, Starla.”

     So onward I go, focused on myself. In my cozy bed in my lovely single-girl apartment, wearing baby blue silky pajamas. Sleeping in an hour to be well rested for my morning work out and 6-year career I’ve made for myself.

     I trust. I KNOW. The faith is there. I can feel it coursing through my veins.

     It really, really does get better, ladies, if you walk away from what is holding you back. I’m losing track of NC days…but I think today is day 26.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:10pm

640. 640: Starla says:

     I feel guilty admitting I am having a really hard time keeping up with all these new comments=/.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:21pm

641. 641: siren song says:

     Hey, Starla!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:29pm

642. 642: Esteemed says:

     Starla!

     You are sounding so healthy and good! Congratulations to you!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:38pm

643. 643: luzydel says:

     Someone I meet four years ago and had some kissing sessions emailed me at POF and asked me if i would like to reconnect…. We had three dates and kissed very intensely, never got further that that, he acted
     “flakey” and disappeared or maybe I acted clingy (it was the old me then)…Just wondering if I should practice to see how much I’ve grown… Wondering how to reply to his request to reconnect and how much I can negotiate

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:48pm

644. 644: Esteemed says:

     R and I texted a couple of more pages, which got even more personal, and too personal to share! but I feel full and happy, and this is the deepest talk we had since 2009! It was beautiful! And I feel so happy!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:49pm

645. 645: siren song says:

     I’ve been chatting with a few guys tonight. I have a date for sunday, though he seems kind of pushy.

     I also had a great night with a male friend from work who is lovely. He’s supportive, masculine, a family kind of guy. I love noticing all the possibilities to connect with good people!

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:49pm

646. 646: Esteemed says:

     Luzydel,

     Go for it! This could be fun! If it were me, I would start off simple…

     It feels so good to hear from you! I would love to see you again!

     I wouldn’t bring anything negative up unless it comes up spontaneously.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:51pm

647. 647: luzydel says:

     Esteemed I want to be authentic and the truth is that I feel neutral and I am not that excited to hear from him again; I feel curious but not about him, but about me and how I will react in his presence… I am not goinf to use a feeling message when I don’t really feel more that curiosity…

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 8:58pm

648. 648: Starla says:

     646 luzydel

     “i’d feel open to that”

     something like that. y’know..the good ol’ truth.

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:11pm

649. 649: Memulo says:

     Yay Starla

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:16pm

650. 650: Memulo says:

     I just realized that when we were saying good bye over the phone he said ‘love you, call me’.

     I have not heard this from him before. But it’s just a common expression, right?

     Wednesday, 4 July 2012 @ 9:20pm

651. 651: Kimmie says:

     “636: ReceivingGirl”

     RG described my biggest problem in this post. J is always trying to help and take care of me and I just have no idea how to let him. He insists on paying for everything and I actually get an icky feeling inside every time he does because I’m very independant. This is my masculine energy coming out and in the last few months I’ve been practicing sitting on my hands and just giving him a kiss and saying thank you when he does and he knows I struggle with this so is very proud that I’m finally getting used to his buying me lunch. But the other day we were talking and he knows I need a new fridge badly and he offered to loan me money for one and then added after that he doesn’t expect or want me to pay him back. I completely snapped and said I dont want to talk about this; can we change the subject? This weekend he took my son shopping for groceries and wanted to buy a knife for when he helps me cook diner in the style he likes to use but he came back and told me he thought about it but was afraid he was stepping over the line and didnt buy it. I would have had no problem with him buying a knife and it made me realize I need to figure out how to recieve if I’m going to have any future with this man. Why can’t I let him do anything nice for me? I can tell he wants to but is so afraid of offending me that he doesn’t or does it in a way I can’t refuse like buying everyone’s at the tables bill so he can get mine too. Any tips?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:32am

652. 652: Daria says:

     Kimmie – just STOP and sit on you hands like you’ve been!

     you can really push a good man away this way and I dont want to see u doing that

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:53am

653. 653: Daria says:

     also when he Does do something like that for you look him in the eyes and “melt” physically … yummie that’s his reward… feels tingly to me imagining it

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 12:58am

654. 654: Daria says:

     another idea is to create an image of a Goddess that is lovely and all men take care of her and of course her money so that she doesnt have to ever she gets to 100% relax and be romantic and creative and enjoying…

     and then Be her in the moment!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:00am

655. 655: Daria says:

     also u can talk to him next time if youre feeling awkward

     and asy… ‘hey ive been feeling uncomfortable about something… i so appreciate the way you treat me and want to apologize about not always receiving your help or care i realized it feels soooo good to be taken care of this way and i actually enjoy it and i want to practice being a better receiver with you… what do you think?”

     that might feel cool

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:05am

656. 656: Tam says:

     RG – I feel happy for you about Mr Observant. This is lovely.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 1:18am

657. 657: Daria says:

     spending those ddays – about a week at my gfs really got me feeling better about msyelf

     im judging myself less bout bieng ‘annoying’ or ‘a mooch’

     and thinking that people dont want to be around me or that i drain them

     woofh!

     and i feel better with myeslf more into doing stuff for myself – i felt energized to do that when i was around her

     im doing Margaret Lynch eft from the the 7 levels to wealth program i feel so thrilled to have this magic tool at my disposal – the vidoes are so fast and i get the tapping in, sometimes repeat and really notice the instant changes in my thinking and in my posture and the tension / energy pattenrs in my body

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:13am

658. 658: Daria says:

     i want to open up my crown so i can have a light crown mane like jezus and mari

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:16am

659. 659: Francesca says:

     It’s Lizka’s birthday today, in case you are not aware.

     The sad thing is that she lost her little dog Saku yesterday.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:34am

660. 660: Rebecca says:

     Mmmm…

     This hugely triggers me. I do not need or want to be looked after by anyone, male or otherwise. To me it suggests women are childlike and need taking care of by big strong men. This upsets me… Am I missing something?

     another idea is to create an image of a Goddess that is lovely and all men take care of her and of course her money so that she doesnt have to ever she gets to 100% relax and be romantic and creative and enjoying…

     and then Be her in the moment!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:59am

661. 661: goldenflower says:

     morning sirens. So here is a question I would really appreciate any advice about. I have been grieving for fedex more intensely since I went total NC on sunday. I wake up every morning and that feeling of all is not right, sadness grips me. I remeber him and what was lost, all happens in an instant, my mind grasps for what my life is as I awake. It means that I have to really struggle to talk myself into getting up and moving on, that I am worth getting up for, that my day will improve if I just move and keep moving. Does anyonme have any ideas what I can think or go to immediately after I have this feeling on waking. I have started to just repeat “he is not right for you” to myself and then change focus onto my own life. Focus on the future for just me.

     I would love to wake up without this feeling. I think it is because i was chemically intoxicated with him when we were together, so I would awake aroused with thoughts of him. Now i feel the loss of that and the whole saga passes though my mind in an instant. I had a period of afew weeks where it was getting better, but the Fbk contact and then having to go total NC on sunday has triggered me to relive it all again.
     I keep seeing our beach daytrip, us so happy, him giving me a piggy back and us both luaghing, holding hands in the car all the way and back. Perfect day for me, sunshine. Its like mental torture. And it is gone and in the past. Good to write it out i think. I want these memories to leave me in peace now, I want to look always forward and at the now. This is where I am this is wher I live. I love myself now.

     Maybe by next week I will feel it all less intensely again. Please let this be true. I love and accept my memories and accept they are only one part of the story. This person is not right for me, he cannot give what i want and need. He proved this by destroying the potential we had. He is not the right man for me.
     Any ideas how to reframe my focus after i have this waking up feeling would be really appreciated.
     Thankyou.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:17am

662. 662: Daria says:

     Rebecca – i used to have a similar block i remember when younger – i didn’t want to be protected by men as i had a belief that that means im not acknowledged as powerful

     to be taken care of by a man is the feminine role in relationship – its not childlike – think goddess worship… being brought garlands of flowers, food, beautiful items, sung songs to, have feet kissed and massaged… whatever is unique and would feel good to you

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:21am

663. 663: Daria says:

     Goldenflower – tapping with this sweet old guy :

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BNgfagvl7M

     (tapping starts at 2:10)

     in the morning seems to *reset* whatever ‘suffering’ i might have going on that morning

     after doing the tapping with that video my resistance to change is really reduced (even if i cant tell yet), i sometimes do another tapping video i can find – Margaret Lynch stuff feels really motivating -

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:24am

664. 664: Rebecca says:

     Eeerrr… I feel so over welmed with all the admin in my life… I always feel like I am behind with everything, and I always promise myself I will not get in this state again..

     I never seem to have enough time to read emails properly and check mail etc… It is just endless.. Car insurance, car tax, etc, etc… It is just endless… So many decisions to make and I feel stressed out… Sob, sob… Grumble, grumble… Argh I am just annoyed at myself for not being more in top of things…

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:27am

665. 665: Daria says:

     this one ESPECIALLY as its about personal power and I can imagine myself more powerful in ANy scenario that is applicable (I feel thrilled when i feel powerful)

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr-mt2TciIw&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PLDA5E7623EB6A3261

     (its part of a playlist, im only referring to the video that comes on)

     ….

     Or i do some other emotional therapy or belief change, or any kind of work that i want to effect a change

     This DEFINITELY ALWAYS turns things around for me in the morning when i dont feel good (i find i feel anxious or lonely when i dont have set plans to go out the house in the morning )

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:28am

666. 666: Daria says:

     this is another video i do after the resistance one for having a great day – it has ALWAYS worked for me even when it seemed extremely unikely id have a great day

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoSzivsQkVI

     (tapping starts at 1:57)

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:30am

667. 667: Rebecca says:

     Ahhh Daria

     Yes, I see… That would feel lovely… Mm… Yummmy!!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:30am

668. 668: Daria says:

     Rebecca – any chance to sink into the feelings – panic, disappointment, sadness

     that are behind the beating up on yourself with the thoughts – im not on top of things enough (NVS)

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:35am

669. 669: Rebecca says:

     Daria ~ if I sink into my feelings I seem to become immobilised…

     I did a time management course once and that helped quite a bit..

     Maybe my boy needs to look after my girl?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:05am

670. 670: Daria says:

     Rebecca – good! allow yourself to feel that immobilization… what does that feel like?

     then say to yourself i love my immobilized feeling

     and THAT feels like (it will change)… what does THAT feel like now?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:06am

671. 671: Daria says:

     :: A Declaration of Inter-dependence ::

     Parents who practice attachment parenting are often
     accused of neglecting their children’s development
     of independence.

     Strangely, these accusations usually come from the
     same folks who advise us to take swift disciplinary
     action the moment our children exhibit signs of
     independence, now re-labeled “disobedience.”

     Thankfully, we have the reassurance of the Founding
     Mothers and Fathers of holistic parenting whose
     “spoiled” kids are growing up to be remarkably
     independent!

     Today is Independence Day in America, so let’s write
     our own Declaration of Independence from the culture
     of alienation:

     “We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all
     Children are created Lovable, that they are endowed,
     by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights,
     that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Happiness
     of Parental Proximity. . . .”

     http://dailygroove.net/independence-day

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:38am

672. 672: Rebecca says:

     Urghhh… I just constantly feel over welmed by the most basic task because I have millions of little tasks that always seem and feel soooo exhausting… Lol, I am moaning today…

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:59am

673. 673: Rebecca says:

     Daria

     Okay, i will try

     Immobilisation feels like being stuck, feels like being trapped, feels like being too stupid to organise myself, feel like typical me, feels like judgment and sniggering, feels scary, feels humilliating, feels tired, feels lethargic…

     Hmmm… I feel the same… Maybe i need to sink lower..

     I feel vulberable, i feel panicked. I feel terrified. I feel consumed with fear… Argh

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:05am

674. 674: Starla says:

     OH MY FREAKING GAWD
     I had repeated dreams about CF last night.

     I hope this is my brain working him out of my system.

     I feel really annoyed.

     In my dreams, he never wants me.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:10am

675. 675: Starla says:

     Goldenflower,
     Sometimes it just takes time. It sucks when it’s not magically poof fine and dandy healed, I know. It gets better.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:16am

676. 676: Starla says:

     that is, if nothing helps, i mean.

     nothing helped me, and i really, really tried.

     but i needed to “go through it.” I never had let myself go through that before, so that stuff kept coming up to be finally felt and healed. Now I am less scared of “the next time” I feel heart broken.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:22am

677. 677: Femininewoman says:

     Understand Men Tip #38

     Let go of past relationships before you date. Comparing a man to those you dated before can be beneficial when you notice red flags.

     But sometimes we discount someone because they have the same flaw as someone we knew before and we miss seeing their greatness that would override it if we gave them a chance.
     ********************************************************

     Sending you smiles,
     Jonathon Aslay

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:23am

678. 678: Starla says:

     From a dream dictionary:
     “If your ex-boyfriend hurts or ignores you, then the dream is telling you to move on with your life and stop thinking about your ex. If you dream that you want your ex-boyfriend back, then the dream may reflect waking feelings of actually wanting him back. Alternatively, it means that you miss being in a relationship and to feel wanted.”

     Hm, that’s a bit of an “obvious” one, but thanks anyway, dream dictionary.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:30am

679. 679: Esteemed says:

     Lizka,

     Happy Birthday! I feel sad to hear you lost your dog.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:34am

680. 680: Esteemed says:

     Rebecca,

     667 – Me too. I feel overwhelmed. I need to get my life more in balance.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:38am

681. 681: Femininewoman says:

     Ladies, men only consider marrying women who they think are WIFE-MATERIAL. What do they consider wife material? A woman who ALREADY has the traits they are looking for in a wife.
     But becoming wife-material is a process.
     It involves “un-learning” bad, immature habits and replacing them with good ones, such as patience, love, endurance, and selflessness.

     WIFE-MATERIAL QUALITY #1 – PATIENCE IS A
     VIRTUE
     Sure, it would have been nice if he had proposed on Christmas with a big beautiful sparking diamond. But you hadn’t been together THAT long. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to propose yet. Who knows what would have happened if you had waited a little longer before
     giving him an ultimatum.

     I know a woman who waited six years for her man to propose. And now they have 3 kids and a cute house in the suburbs. Relationships go through stages and
     rushing them never works. Besides, who knows how many things you both may want in your marriage that you will have to wait for. Show him you can!

     WIFE-MATERIAL QUALITY #2 – LET HIM KNOW HE IS LOVED

     It sounds like he was having a stressful time at work. What a great opportunity to support him and show him how much youlove him — if only to distract him from all of that icky stress. Giving a backrub, writing him a card that spells out all the ways he does it for you, having flowers delivered to his office. These things show him that even though he is stressed, you will always be there for him at the end of the day.
     Just like you will always be there with love for him throughout your marriage!

     WIFE-MATERIAL QUALITY #3 – PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

     I am going to be completely honest with you. Men don’t like it when women don’t step up to their real life responsibilities. I understand you were depressed when you lost your dream job. But following through on the job your boyfriend
     arranged for you later — even if you didn’t like it! — would have shown him that you could handle a setback and still move forward. The truth is that if you were married and lost your job, it would affect your husband A LOT. Men need to know you can
     handle a crisis without sitting around in your PJs. That’s called endurance.

     WIFE-MATERIAL QUALITY #4 – TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM

     It’s great that he took over cooking and cleaning when you were feeling down. I understand domestic duties haven’t been your thing. But think how impressed he would have been had you taken a cooking class, or had a friend walk you through some
     laundry tips — he would have seen you were resourceful! And that you were doing it for HIM.
     Selflessness is important in a marriage because there will be many times you need to put your husband’s needs above your own– for the good of both of you.

     Remember ladies, becoming the woman he wants to spend his life with is a process. As you evolve, your
     relationship will grow stronger. You will hit milestones at the pace that is best for BOTH of you.

     Alexandra Fox

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:40am

682. 682: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     677 – “OH MY FREAKING GAWD”

     I know you don’t mean any harm, yet I find this quite triggering. I feel tight in my chest, and I feel turned off. I feel offended.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:42am

683. 683: ReceivingGirl says:

     @638 Memulo

     I can understand that too. For me, it really doesn’t have to do with dating, I’m this way with my friends too. I feel selfish if I let someone do something for me, as if I’m taking advantage of them or would be talked about for just sitting there and not lifting a finger. Mr. Observant wants to do EVERYTHING for me. It’s very hard for me to just let him.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:49am

684. 684: Goldenflower says:

     669: Daria , Starla dn FW thankyou for all your suggestions and help.
     Daria, i will try these videos later tonight, I cant play sound on my work PC so will have to wait and try at home. Thankyou so much for sharing the links.

     I want to focus on new things, I will keep going with new things to help me express who I am. I know I will still feel pain sometimes but in time it will get less and less and I will have so much in my life that is better than old memories of someone who rejected me.
     I am worth more than this pain, I am worth so much life and happiness. I will use my boy energy to make the changes in my routine which will improve my self esteem. I will do everything it takes to improve my self esteem, through counselling, Reiki, art and travel. I do have things to bring me peace and to bring myself happiness. Hear me now. I have compassion for my vulnerable self and I will do everything I can to help and heal her. I love my self.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:53am

685. 685: Rebecca says:

     FW

     This resonates with me:

     FW

     These words are really speaking to me. I want to completely change this about myself. I have been a lazy so and so for far too long regarding getting a job etc..
     WIFE-MATERIAL QUALITY #3 – PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

     I am going to be completely honest with you. Men don’t like it when women don’t step up to their real life responsibilities. I understand you were depressed when you lost your dream job. But following through on the job your boyfriend
     arranged for you later — even if you didn’t like it! — would have shown him that you could handle a setback and still move forward. The truth is that if you were married and lost your job, it would affect your husband A LOT. Men need to know you can
     handle a crisis without sitting around in your PJs. That’s called endurance.

     Yikes!! This is like looking in a mirror. I feel panicked…. I love my panicky feelings…..

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 5:58am

686. 686: ReceivingGirl says:

     @ 640: Esteemed

     “How did you feel when you were asked if you were together? ”

     I felt nervous & unsure how to answer that question.

     “When he said yes?”

     I felt relieved that he answered it quickly and surprised at his answer and how he did not hesitate.

     “When he asked you if it was ok?”

     I felt seen, respected, my feelings mattered, and happy. I’ve never before been asked…ever, it’s always just been assumed.

     Both of us are happy to be together, but I feel reservations about being on display. I have this worry that it will cause problems with his divorce proceedings and I don’t want to be the cause of any problems for him. I’ve expressed this to him and he is not worried about this at all.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:02am

687. 687: ReceivingGirl says:

     @641 Starla

     I feel the same way. I’m trying to catch up on the blog too!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:04am

688. 688: Boasgirl says:

     @642 Starla,

     I have started to notice this too

     finally – that there are actually interesting men out there, and that i feel curious about them -

     yippii!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:07am

689. 689: Femininewoman says:

     Rebecca I have a friend who was married when something like that happened and he certainly didn’t leave his wife. He kept talking about it but he loved her.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:08am

690. 690: Boasgirl says:

     @687 – Go, Goldenflower!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:11am

691. 691: Siren Angel says:

     Good morning Sirens,

     I have a question and concern, it may seem basic but: When a man momentarily after a discussion, is it ok to say ? or is that a form of leaning forward and invading his space?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:12am

692. 692: Starla says:

     esteemed, i’m not gonna stop saying “gawd.” if you can come on here gloating about f*cking your cousin in your dreams, i can say “gawd.” i said i’d leave your chr*st alone and i do. you’re welcome.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:13am

693. 693: Siren Angel says:

     Good morning Sirens,

     I have a question and concern, it may seem basic but: When a man momentarily ‘pulls away’ after a discussion, is it ok to say ‘I feel bad” or “I feel shut out”? or is that a form of leaning forward and invading his space?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:13am

694. 694: Femininewoman says:

     (((((((((((((((((Starla)))))))))))))))))))

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:20am

695. 695: Femininewoman says:

     SA does this happen while he is in front of you? Also during the discussion do you ask him about what he thinks? Also is the discussion about his feelings?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:21am

696. 696: Femininewoman says:

     SA also it is okay if you can find a way to be comfrotable in the silence. Maybe looking at yourself to see what is it about you that makes you want to fill that space could help clarify for you.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:23am

697. 697: Calypso says:

     Good Morning, Sirens!

     I hope those of you in the States enjoyed your 4th of July Holiday as much as I did!

     I spent the day at a girlfriends house floating in the pool, drinking margaritas and having girl talk.

     Then – in the middle of the day I got a text from a new POF CD asking if I wanted to go with him to see the fireworks display at the park that night. I gave him the address where I was hanging out and told him to come on over!

     We were still in the pool when he got there and I got out in my bikini and gave him a big wet hug! He was very nice! A little shy, I think? But he got along well with me and my girl friend and then I left them together while I got a quick shower and got dressed.

     We went in his truck to the park and sat and talked for a couple of hours, watched the fireworks, sat in traffic trying to get out of the park for an hour – all the while talking – he did most of the talking – I was kind of laughing on the inside – I think he was just nervous. Maybe if we go out again he will want to hear somethign about me . . . lol

     He has the same first name as my ex husband . . . other than that, I think I liked everything about him! He did not kiss me or anything – I kind of wanted him to, but maybe next time?

     He has been divorced for 25 years! He got custody of his kids after 1 year of marriage and has raised them by himself. They are adults now and he is looking to start a relationship – obviously he is not in a hurry, which makes me feel safe to explore the possibility of liking him . . .

     YEA!!!

     We are going to call him Duke . . . More to come, I hope!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:41am

698. 698: ReceivingGirl says:

     @654 Kimmie

     We were sitting outside at my house and Mr. Observant asked if I wanted some coffee and he would make a pot. I said, yes. He doesn’t really know how to make coffee, so he asked and I told him what to do. So, he went in to make a pot and I should have just stayed seated, but I didn’t. A couple seconds later, I went inside and I wanted to help so bad, so I started to get the sugar out, I wanted to check up on him and see he was doing it right and then I stopped myself and said, he wants to make me coffee, just let him. So, I went into the bathroom to prevent me from helping or correcting.

     It is very hard for me, so I just removed myself. It was a good cup of coffee!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:48am

699. 699: ReceivingGirl says:

     @659 Tam

     Thank you! It feels so nice and he is such a good guy. I feel he’s an honest guy too. So refreshing.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:51am

700. 700: Siren Angel says:

     FW,

     The discussion is about his kids. They hit each other (hard, in the gut, punch in the face) and it really triggers me and scares me. I feel worried of this impact on my 7 year old. Also, his 11 year old throws soccer balls at me, last time last Friday behind my head while I was facing somewhere else and not looking. I understand he is protective of his kids, but this is too much and I simply said things like ‘I feel a little scared seeing them hurt each other” and also that “I feel a little disrespected”. His 5 year old insults me and grimaces at me and when I tell my 7 year old something that doesnt suit her she yells ‘no” and “My dad makes the decisions, not you” and basically they also ignore me when I talk to them.

     You see, I cook for them, I help, I have bought them gifts because they apparently felt my son gets more than they do. They don’t appreciate anything and only says thank you when M says “did you say thank you to Siren Angel?” to them… It does not happen all the time but often enough in the last 5 days that I felt I needed to tell him how I feel. He listened, but defended his kids, crossing his arms and legs and basically not kissing/holding me and totally shutting me out, which obvisouly makes me feel a whole lot worse.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:56am

701. 701: ReceivingGirl says:

     @696 SA

     How does he pull away? Silence?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:56am

702. 702: ReceivingGirl says:

     Happy Birthday, Lizka!!

     I’m sorry about your puppy

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:58am

703. 703: Memulo says:

     Morning SA,

     I think it depends on the context. But I would definitely welcome the silence if it feels right. If you speak up you only have to worry about your own feelings and not what he may or may not think or the way he may or may not judge you, don’t you think?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 6:59am

704. 704: Memulo says:

     SA,

     Did YOU consider going for a long walk alone – if you are staying with him or taking some time off without telling him if you are not?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:02am

705. 705: Goldenflower says:

     Thankyou Boagirl.

     I re read some Rori rules:
     “The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

     Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

     The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence. ”

     Well, that certainly clears up the confusion for me. I am just pouring it all out here. It does help to write about it, to let go.
     When I was with him and when I was not I often felt unsure what he was thinking. I beleive he is immature in his way of communicating with me. He is five years younger, which is too young in my book, I want older please next time. Early on in our dating out the blue he texted me a question about whether i wanted kids or not. Then told me he really didnt (due to his depression). We spoke about it in person, but i nvere really got over having this blunt question texted when we’d only been dating a couple of weeks. I am unsure if i want kids, i would never give a definate no, i like to keep the option. Altho i am 37 next month, the chances seem unlikely.
     After a good date on a sunday eve, the very next day out the blue I got a text saying “its best if we’re friends, everything is chaotic”. We met the next night and he said actually he didnt want to stop seeing me, he wanted me in his life. But he was getting ill, starting new medication. he agreed we were still together but to take a cpl weeks without dates to see how his parents situation got sorted out. We had a lovely connected kissing, holding hands date after this was agreed.
     One week later of lovely texts every day and after a beautiful long phonecall, the very next day he texted me “its best if we’re friends, I cant be in a relationship”. pretty much same text as before.

     I mean I am pretty observant about when someone is not feeling it, but this guy kept pulling these out the blue, after in person we had been connected and easy and happy(or so it seemed). Picked up then dropped. Unpredicatable, painful to accept.

     That is why its been so hard to accept, maybe he was masking his depression all along, putting on an act. It certainly didnt feel like an act, and I had been so wary of getting too involved too fast. I leaned back in our early dates. But we had so much in common, so much, we had same sense of humour, there were a million tiny details which we had in common. But it seems my lessons with the past three people are that despie “the signs” “the chemistry”, “the jokes”, things do not work out. This is no guarantee of a good match down the line, could it even be false attraction and reading far too much into these little connections. As we find connections everywhere.
     Negatives about this guy:
     I can see lots of negatives about him now, it is good to remember these in place of the good times. He never brought me food, wine or any sort of gift every time he came to my house. Empty handed. He was indecisive in thinking of a good place for our dates, I most often suggested the venue. (Lack of clear preferences- sign of depression). He rarely gave me full compliments. Even though he was wonderful physically he hardly spoke during lovemaking, I hated that. I was always waiting for him to say more, to open up more. I dont know if that would have happened.
     He let me pay for some of the cinema tickets and drinks on dates. He cut me off on sunday and went offline after only a minute or so, he said hoped i felt better tomorrow and left. Rather than wait for my reply or ask me why I said I felt empty.
     Thoughts of his prescence make me feel rejected, uncertain, less than, unworthy of care, unsure how he felt, confused, sad, hurt, angry, humiliated.
     IT IS NOW CLEAR : ” The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence. ”

     Next!! I feel good writing this all out, i feel like me, i feel relief, i feel lighter, i feel some clarity. My happiness is important.
     I am enough. I am all that. I am worthy. I am full. I am made of gold. I feel calm.
     ((((((((((((((((((((all sirens)))))))))))))))))))))

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:03am

706. 706: Memulo says:

     My guy disappeared again;) How nice. Not answering phone calls or texts. Last night when he called and I was in the middle of the street and with my friends I kept it light and happy and did not tell him what’s bothering me. I feel that now I have to reach out and let him know. i am not spending another day sitting alone at home and crying.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:04am

707. 707: ReceivingGirl says:

     @663 Rebecca

     I would suggest you try it once and see how it feels. It’s not about a woman needing to be taken care of. It’s about feeling cared for and important. When a man wants to take care of you, it’s not because he thinks you can’t take care of yourself, it’s because that is how he shows you how he feels about you. It’s kind of like using terms of endearment. It really is wonderful when I let it just happen.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:06am

708. 708: Siren Angel says:

     I have told him this makes me feel turned off and he says ‘you are running away again’. I honestly want to go home in those instances, but then my 7 year old gets upset. I feel so stuck. I told him I want positive interactions and he says ‘they are just kids” which of course I understand, but I really feel his kids are over the top on violence and respect and he doesnt see, or want to see, it.

     For example, when I tell him his 11 year old hit me in the back of the head with a soccer ball (and really hard as he has been playing soccer since he was really little and has a lot of force in his throw) he replies ‘he’s playful and wants to play” and ‘he’s ADHD”. Well, when you want to play, you dont hit the ball hard behind someone’s head. His 11 year old also hit my 7 year old from close with the soccer ball in his gut with force and my 7 year old got ‘winded’ and started to cry for a long time. You see, my kids are also ADHD, but NEVER violent! This is a separate thing.

     I told him last night I don’t feel I can go to him with these concerns, because when I tell him how I feel, he throws it back at me when it’s about his kids or dismisses my feelings.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:07am

709. 709: Healing Waterfall says:

     Good morning Sirens,
     Thanks for saying hi to me Memulo.
     I feel unwelcomed sometimes here, I wonder why when someone else is absent from the blog for awhile, they get hi’s and welcome back….and no one even noticed I was gone…..

     that is the story of my life, I guess.

     I feel when I am on the blog I listen and appreciate others posts, so what is it? why don’t i rate?

     i feel so unimportant.

     and i really want to learn how to really lean back and i have called a couple of gf’s and asked them for support and i will just keep coming on here and writing….

     it just feels weird to just write for myself and not hear back from the community….but i also know i am working off the feelings of not being heard by my family…..and I feel really vulnerable changing again…and recommitting to leaning back and not asking for support…..because asking for support emotionally is a way of leaning forward isn’t it? especially if I want more than support, i want a dating relationship….

     anyway, i am back

     HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZKA and I hope you find your dog.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:09am

710. 710: Femininewoman says:

     SA that doesn’t sound good. It sounds to me like the kids might have some kind of understanding or agreement about you. His body language does suggest shutting you out and being defensive about his kids. I believe you did the right thing about talking about your feelings. However, you don’t want to become a competitor with his kids. But you do want to be on the same page with his childrearing values. A topic that needs to be discussed to have some common understanding and approach. If he is not ready to discuss it I would just leave him with his silence and go home. Remember you had some time to review, think and rehash things in your mind before discusssing it with him. He won’t necessarily have an immediate understanding/response or solution to the problem. He might need to focus on and mull over all that you have told him before coming to some internal resolution that he can share with you. Maybe give him time, but also be prepared to hear something that you might not like.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:10am

711. 711: Siren Angel says:

     FW, I feel scared now that he wants to call the whole thing off instead of considering my feelings. This, the kids behavior, is our only issue and it makes me feel really sad that he can’t see how I feel in these instances and that he even shuts me out and moves backwards on plans together.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:19am

712. 712: Femininewoman says:

     HW I do miss you when you are not here and I did start writing a response to you comment but then it felt weird. I don’t resonate with the cards you apparently because for some reason it doesn’t make sense to me. It seems like the answers were so obvious that I noticed myself feeling judgemental wondering what was the point of reading the cards or giving credence to them. Also sometimes I am not clear on what question you want an answer to. It seems like you just pop in to post an update and then pop back out. I wonder if you will notice when someone writes to you so I kind of say to myself “what’s the point, she already has the answers she want anyway”.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:19am

713. 713: Siren Angel says:

     New thread up!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:20am

714. 714: Femininewoman says:

     SA I understand but maybe it might be in your best interest to just agree with him. Being scared of losing a man will get you nowhere closer to him. Remember that the kids are in the emotional mix too and though he might not say anything directly to them, I would assume that they are very sensitive to his feelings. If he really wants you in his life at least one of them would be keenly aware of that and somehow find a way to embrace you. I would pay attention to their emotional cues too.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:22am

715. 715: Femininewoman says:

     SA don’t talk about his behavior and maybe even their behavior. Stick with feelings of being unsafe and unheard. I believe I rememeber you writing about being worried about not connecting with his kids who love you? Maybe missing each other for a while might help?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:26am

716. 716: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo this might sound harsh so don’t read if you don’t want the truth the way I see it.

     Your comments seem very clingy and childish. This less that 24 hours that he contacted you and you are already throwing and tantrum and pouting. It seems like you want him to be at your beck and call 24/7 as if he doesn’t have a life of his own. Also can you allow him to call you rather than jumping at every opportunity to call him even though he says you can? Calling just to chit chat is chasing after a man.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:30am

717. 717: Healing Waterfall says:

     Daria

     Thank-you so much for posting those tapping youtubes….I did the David Lynch one about starting the day and it felt so good….and he is really handsome and I got turned on tapping with him…..I really, really need some sex……and money….

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:31am

718. 718: ReceivingGirl says:

     (((Goldenflower ))))

     ((((Memulo))))

     ((((Siren Angel))))

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:42am

719. 719: Jasmine says:

     Hello Sirens,

     Last night was awesome. I went to the beach with some friends and we watched lots of fireworks, it was so amazing! Best night ever in a long time, we really had fun. The water was warm, lot of people there, pretty relaxing.

     Today though, I got up a little sorrowful. It’s day 4 since I don’t contact my ex or haven’t heard from him. And I’m proud of myself and I’m not even anxious to contact him at all but I just want to feel good? Has any of you ever felt like this? I thought it’d help me to share.

     Love,

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:53am

720. 720: Jasmine says:

     Kimmie,

     654 – I haven’t read through all the messages yet but if your man wants to pay for stuff you’re so lucky! My ex boyfriend was CHEAP hahahha

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:57am

721. 721: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo I hope you received Rori’s enewsletter today. It has some profound insights that I believe will help you was well as it helped me.

     “But you can’t just do things that represent your IMPRESSION of what a confident woman looks like. For Jane, it’s calling her man and pretending she’s a strong woman – even though she’s most often feeling completely NOT strong.

     Because right now, when she calls him, she knows, and you and I know that it’s because of NEED. We all know that Jane can barely “keep control” of herself and not call him.”

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:59am

722. 722: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo I hope you received Rori’s enewsletter today. It has some profound insights that I believe will help you was well as it helped me.

     “But you can’t just do things that represent your IMPRESSION of what a confident woman looks like. For Jane, it’s calling her man and pretending she’s a strong woman – even though she’s most often feeling completely NOT strong.

     Because right now, when she calls him, she knows, and you and I know that it’s because of NEED. We all know that Jane can barely “keep control” of herself and not call him.”

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 7:59am

723. 723: Goldenflower says:

     721: ReceivingGirl
     Thankyou (((((Receiving Girl))))).

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:00am

724. 724: Jasmine says:

     Goldenflower,

     664 – I totally feel you on that. It gets me at times too and it is not fun at all. That’s exactly what happened to me this morning. It’s bad.

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:09am

725. 725: Jasmine says:

     Starla,

     681 – I liked that one.

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:13am

726. 726: ReceivingGirl says:

     @712 (((HW)))

     Your feelings resonated with me as I often feel the same way. I often feel unheard, ignored, unimportant. I feel if I don’t reach out to people, then I would have no relationships with anyone. It’s not a good feeling.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:23am

727. 727: Jasmine says:

     Hey Healing Waterfall,

     I am new on this blog, and I was out pretty much all day yesterday and I’m still having a hard time keeping up with these posts. That’s probably what’s happening with all Sirens. DON’T feel unimportant. We are all princesses here. But I don’t think I heard your story? I’ll try to find it.

     Anyways,
     Welcome back!

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:29am

728. 728: Jasmine says:

     Hello Esteemed,

     I am glad that things have got better between you and R and that you are happy now. I read the last conversation you had with him, and it’s pretty nice that he’s more talkative, but I think you get too excited? You get very happy when you talk to him and you show that a lot. Not saying it is bad, but what if you show a little less? I’m just saying! You don’t need to do it, that’s just what I think.

     Hugs,

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:27am

729. 729: Jasmine says:

     Sirens,

     I wish I knew all your stories! The only story I am familiar with is Esteemed’s. It’s so hard to keep up with all these messages!! But still, I am so willing to get to know you all and your love stories. That’s what we’re here for, right? I’m working on that!!

     Lots of hugs,

     Jasmine

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:32am

730. 730: Esteemed says:

     Receiving Girl,

     689 – That all sounds really good! I feel so happy for you!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:35am

731. 731: Memulo says:

     Was out running some errands.

     FW,

     Thank you, I see what you are saying. The reason I felt bad is that these are the only few days that I am off in the whole summer and I asked if we can spend a couple of days together, go away somewhere. He said he’d think what days he can have free. So July 4th comes, I am off, I turned down other invited and I have no plans with him and no idea if we even have plans. every day I hoped he’d call and tell me and it wasn’t happening. So today I asked to talk, he just called and now he is making plans. Btw, I did not call him myself, I only returned his calls. There was no chit chat situation or any other leaning forward without him initiating the communication.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:41am

732. 732: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo from today’s eNewsLetter

     “So here are some ways to know how to handle calling a man “back”:
     •If he ASKS you to call him back, call him back
     •If he has a bad habit of calling, leaving vague messages, and then drifting away for a while, DON’T call him
     •If he’s somewhere in-between, a new man in your life perhaps, and he calls you but NEGLECTS to SPECIFICALLY ask you to call back – call him back and see what happens
     •If he talks with you, but doesn’t ask to see you – then you know. You know he’s not a man who’s likely to initiate – even when you give him the benefit of the doubt

     Your “vibe” is WAY more important than any specific words you say or actions you do. This is where it’s easy to confuse initiating with “reciprocating,” as Jane says.”

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 9:58am

733. 733: Femininewoman says:

     He might be making plans based on your desperation not because he wants to be with you. Most of the times this is just a temporary fix because most men dislike emotional confrontations. In a few days things we will be right back here. He seems to be a man who would accommodate your requests – sometimes. However, that does not help you to see if this is a man who desperately wants to be with you.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:02am

734. 734: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     731 – Thanks for your feedback. You are right…I need reminders like that. Yes, I do get very excited and happy, LOL!

     Our conversation continued beyond what I posted, and it actually got too personal for me to feel comfortable to post it! I felt closer to him than I’ve felt in 3 years! Yup, I’m a pretty happy girl!

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:06am

735. 735: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     695 – Wow, that felt really bad to hear. I feel disrespected. I shared a dream. This is supposed to be a safe place to share inner stuff.

     “Freaking” is slang for “Fu(king”

     “Gawd” is slang for “God”

     I don’t think that is appropriate on a public blog, and I feel sure that Rori would agree…would you like me to ask her?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:09am

736. 736: Memulo says:

     FW #736,

     Yes, he always asks me to call back. But for the last couple of days when I did call back thinking that he wants to discuss plans I got his VM and then he calls back like 10 hours later. So last night by the time he called I made plans with friends already and did not go to see fireworks with him. At the end of the conversation since I was in a rush he said: love you, call me later.

     this morning I felt that I really want to know my plans for the rest of the weekend. So I asked him to call and told him exactly that: I’m not sure if he remembers that I have this time off and I’d love to spend it with him, but if he is busy I understand. I’d stop turning down other invites and plan something for myself. What does he think?

     If he were a new guy I wouldn’t even say that. But it’s been almost 6 months and I felt comfortable enough sharing my situation. I tried to say it very calmly and showing respect.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:24am

737. 737: Esteemed says:

     There is a new thread up.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:47am

738. 738: Starla says:

     Esteemed, you’re missing the point. I’m not trying to shame you about a dream. I’m trying to shame you for shoving your religious preferences down my throat while ignoring them yourself. I don’t think your “gawd” wants you fantasizing and smiling about f*cking your cousin. But what do I know? I’m going to hell for saying “OMFG.”

     Do whatever you want.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 10:54am

739. 739: Jasmine says:

     where’s the new thread?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:23am

740. 740: Jasmine says:

     ohh nvm I see it

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 11:24am

741. 741: goldenflower says:

     738: Esteemed says:
     Starla,

     695 – Wow, that felt really bad to hear. I feel disrespected. I shared a dream. This is supposed to be a safe place to share inner stuff.

     “Freaking” is slang for “Fu(king”

     “Gawd” is slang for “God”

     I don’t think that is appropriate on a public blog, and I feel sure that Rori would agree…would you like me to ask her?

     Esteemed, you are welcome to have your own beliefs as evryone is in this world and on this blog, as long as it harms no one.
     But I have to agree that I would easily use the term freaking gawd as a harmless release of feeling in language. And i use the term gawd without any worry about who i offend. Because I am open to all people, and language such as swearing when spoken to express our feeling does not reflect peoples anti- religiousness. It is not directed at you or at anyone, and is just afew words.
     One can say this is slang for that etc etc but what is important is the intention behind the words. I woudl say look at that before judging based on what is only your own personal belief system. I have my own beliefs too but I would never judge others for not having the same beleifs. Unless they were anti freedom and anti-equality. Everyone is equal on this earth. This way we share common humanity and respect.
     I believe in tolerance.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

742. 742: Rori Raye says:

     To Starla and Esteemed and Goldenflower, too – This is a long comment from me about an exchange I saw…I’d like to post it as a real post, but want Starla and Esteemed permission to do so….

     This is the way I saw the “discussion” evolve (If I’ve missed something in the middle, please let me know):

     Starla says: “OH MY FREAKING GAWD”….

     Esteemed reacts(to the use of “oh my freaking gawd”): I know you don’t mean any harm, yet I find this quite triggering. I feel tight in my chest, and I feel turned off. I feel offended.

     Starla answers: esteemed, i’m not gonna stop saying “gawd.” if you can come on here gloating about f*cking your cousin in your dreams, i can say “gawd.” i said i’d leave your chr*st alone and i do. you’re welcome.
     
     Esteemed says: Starla, – Wow, that felt really bad to hear. I feel disrespected. I shared a dream. This is supposed to be a safe place to share inner stuff.

     “Freaking” is slang for “Fu(king”

     “Gawd” is slang for “God”

     I don’t think that is appropriate on a public blog, and I feel sure that Rori would agree…would you like me to ask her?

     Starla answers: Esteemed, you’re missing the point. I’m not trying to shame you about a dream. I’m trying to shame you for shoving your religious preferences down my throat while ignoring them yourself. I don’t think your “gawd” wants you fantasizing and smiling about f*cking your cousin. But what do I know? I’m going to hell for saying “OMFG.”

     Do whatever you want.

     From Goldenflower: Esteemed, you are welcome to have your own beliefs as everyone is in this world and on this blog, as long as it harms no one.
     But I have to agree that I would easily use the term freaking gawd as a harmless release of feeling in language. And i use the term gawd without any worry about who i offend. Because I am open to all people, and language such as swearing when spoken to express our feeling does not reflect peoples anti- religiousness. It is not directed at you or at anyone, and is just a few words.

     One can say this is slang for that etc etc but what is important is the intention behind the words. I would say look at that before judging based on what is only your own personal belief system. I have my own beliefs too but I would never judge others for not having the same beliefs. Unless they were anti freedom and anti-equality. Everyone is equal on this earth. This way we share common humanity and respect.
     I believe in tolerance.

     My Thoughts:

     I’m with Goldenflower here for the most part – and now I’m jumping off into what I most noticed:

     1. oh my freakin gawd is fine with me ((I love colorful language, and I don’t see any disrespect to God (who I am very into) in this)).

     2. Esteemed seemed to me to express herself in feeling language in her first response, that it triggered her and she felt offended. She didn’t, in this comment, judge Starla at all, far as I can read.

     3. Then, Starla levels Esteemed with a very aggressive, angry and judgmental response – with much feeling behind it and, from what I can tell, some long built up resentments and judgments and frustrations regarding Esteemed sensitivities where God and other aspects of her religion is concerned. This one reads to me like an attack, straight-on.

     4. Then, Esteemed starts out great, using Feeling language and non-judgment to express herself, then lays out the offending parts in a just fine neutral way, and then, at the end, falls off into “boy” and judgmental energy and words saying she “thinks” it’s inappropriate and she’s going to check with me.

     5. Then Starla defends herself by attacking again.

     6. Then Goldenflower steps in and makes peace with a reasoned argument, but falling into “boy” with a “teaching moment” – which is fine if you know you’re doing it (and I get to do that all the time!) – but what an amazing thing would happen if you tried it in “girl” language?

     7. So – what do we all get out of this exchange? For me – clarity.

     Here’s MY teaching moment:

     Esteemed – if you stick to what bothers you personally, without trying to save us all by believing that what’s true for you is true for anyone else – your life will move up to the next level. It’s tricky – our beliefs can lift us up, and they can take us down.

     Observing where we are, what we feel, where we’re coming from, and the compromises we need to make about accepting everyone’s truth without judgment helps us SO much in relating to men – who ONLY want to be loved and accepted for who they are.

     If we can’t accept each other…then how can we accept men, who are different from us in many key ways?

     And Starla – you know I love you, you know I think you rock, that you’re awesome and powerful and amazing, that you’re a great writer and a bold and fascinating woman, and I’d never in a million years want to “tame” you or “harness” you or make you “toe to some line”- and I really want you to see here how easy it is for you to jump into attack.

     If you can see that this may possibly be a default for you – and that even if your words were carefully put together with a man so as NOT to APPEAR attacking and judgmental – your “vibe” may still be radiating that. And you wouldn’t even know why you’re in an argument with him, or why you don’t like him, or are shutting down around him, or why he’s backing away.

     I don’t want you to be less bold, or even less opinionated – I just want to be the one who asks you to take a look at some things you may not be seeing.

     As momma here, I’d love it if everyone would apologize to each other, and yet it’s okay if you don’t – all of your voices are crucial here – the bold and opinionated and the religious and sensitive, too.

     In so many ways, you are made for each other – made to trigger each other just by breathing. And the blog is close quarters. I believe we’re all here to learn from each other, and to learn about ourselves by our interactions with each other.

     Nothing needs to be “fixed” – and yet, discovery is about the most exciting thing I can think of.

     I’d like to put this up as an actual post – but only with the permission of Starla and Esteemed – so please let me know if that’s okay…

     Love, Rori

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:01pm

743. 743: Starla says:

     Thanks, Rori.
     I’m not going to apologize. I apologized for using the word “chr*st” in the same way, and promised to stop doing that. For me, I have to draw the line somewhere. I’ll continue to respect her specific religious figure as promised.

     I will take some of your advice to heart, thanks. Thanks for taking the time to address me perfectly.

     You’re right. It’s built up anger at a specific person for specific kind of thing. If this were a man in my life, I would have left him long ago, after a number of unwanted emails, drama, demands, twisted words, etc., from him. So while it is a useful tool and trigger in some ways, in other ways it’s not exactly reflective of reality, and so I don’t feel too mortified for myself.

     I WAS specifically attacking in this case. Sometimes, however, with men, I come off as attacking when I’m really not meaning to.

     Thanks again.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:18pm

744. 744: Starla says:

     people who push and push our boundaries, despite our repeated attempts to peacefully inform them they’re pushing us, don’t often respond to anything but an attack. but the response is usually only temporary, so mostly i just wasted my energy.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:21pm

745. 745: Esteemed says:

     Rori,

     745 – I feel angry, because what I hear you saying is it is all right for me to go left and right on the blog saying fu(king Buddha, fu(king Jacuzzi witnesses, fu(king Mohammad? Is that all allowed, too, in addition to taking the Holy Name of God in vain?

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 3:44pm

746. 746: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     I know nothing of your issue against me. If I have been peacefully informed of anything that was bothering you, I have no idea what. I respond to peaceful attempts to communicate with me.

     I feel little respect for childish attacks.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:09pm

747. 747: Starla says:

     749 – this is what i mean. crazy making. she can’t HONESTLY believe this, cuz it’s not true. I mean, so many times this has happened that it can’t be an innocent “forgetting.” What do you suggest I do now, Rori? I don’t want to get baited into reminding her of all the times I stated clearly I had a problem on and OFF the blog when she took it there, on my email and on my facebook. It feels seriously draining and like a giant flashing red light saying “dangerdangerdanger”

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:16pm

748. 748: Esteemed says:

     Starla,

     We are on the blog, talking about an on the blog issue. I have no idea what your issue is with me. If I had a clue, I would address it.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

749. 749: Starla says:

     Crazy. Making.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 4:22pm

750. 750: Esteemed says:

     Lena,

     I read your posts. I wonder if he wants to talk to you because maybe he really DOES want to work it out. Have you seen him yet? I would just go with it and do my best to speak calmly in feeling messages, “I feel sad; angry; upset; scared; or what-have-you”.

     Sometimes when it gets confusing and goes back and forth really fast, I find it helps to clear things up and calm me down by just backing away for a bit and giving it some time and space.

     Thursday, 5 July 2012 @ 8:38pm

751. 751: Goldenflower says:

     6. Then Goldenflower steps in and makes peace with a reasoned argument, but falling into “boy” with a “teaching moment” – which is fine if you know you’re doing it (and I get to do that all the time!) – but what an amazing thing would happen if you tried it in “girl” language?

     Rori, thankyou for pointing this out. It makes sense to me. I totally accept this reading of my attempt to clarify the language thing. I was trying to address the start of the argument, what happened next is not for me to try and expalin.

     And yes, I do often slip into teacherly ways of expressing my opinion. I am in such early stages of using feeling messages and being comfortable in my feminine energy that I am still just mainly writing in my usual style. I have afew friends where I do sometimes hear myself telling them what i would do in their position, in a teacherly way. I try not to preach but I am very passionate when I beleive in what I say.
     Hmm, yes, I will look more into how to express through feeling messages, see how that helps my shift into feminine energy. The post you wrote in the new thread about NVC is extremely interesting to me. Food for thought. Thankyou.

     Friday, 6 July 2012 @ 2:38am

752. 752: Scarlet says:

     I would really appreciate some help. I need support to maintain no contact. I have been ignored and then my anxiety increases so I chase. I do not want to do that anymore, so am trying to not contact. I have not heard from him for two days and I am supposed to be going to meet his parents tomorrow night. I am worried about my anxiety if I don’t hear from him tomorrow about arrangements. I will want to call to see what’s going on, but I think I should totally lean back and see what he brings to me, if anything. Please help me to be strong.

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:55am

753. 753: Pinky says:

     Hello All,
     I have been seeing someone for over 11/2 years now, the relationship started off great, but I was lied to as well didn’t know it at the time, he already had a girlfriend but I was already in love with him when I found out! I try to break the relationship off but we kept seeing each other, now he is no longer with her and I want to be in a serious relationship now with him, he tells me he is trying to get his life in order, be patient and I am becoming needy sometimes etc. he started distancing himself from me, less coming around, hardly calls or respond back to my text, so I started backing off as well not calling him as much or texting, I get a phone call recently from him asking me was I dating?? I advise I am focusing on myself now, I feel he doesn’t make me a priority and he doesn’t have time for me that I need to stop seeing him exclusively meaning he is the only one I been intimate with but I do see other people time to time but I never emotionally get involve with them because I have deep feelings for the other guy, l am very confuse I am trying to back off to see if he will step up, but he seems comfortable with how things are and I can’t take it anymore despite my feelings for him I can’t keep going on excepting how this relationship is, seems like it is at a stand still and I am starting to have resentment, any advice would be helpful. thanks

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 8:38am

754. 754: Rori Raye says:

     Pinky…Circular Dating is the ticket for you…Targeting Mr. Right is the program for you (after the ebook…that’s always first – Have The Relationship You Want – practice those Tools 24/7 and you’ll quickly see some changes in yourself and in him) – Resentment and anger are directly proportionate to the energy you’re putting out to a man (even thinking about him), especially when the energy you’re getting is not at LEAST EQUAL to what you’re putting out (and it really needs to be WAY MORE). After you put the Tools to work, you’ll get clarity about when to drop him out of your “rotation.” Love, Rori

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 11:07am

755. 755: Autumn says:

     Hello ladies,
     I am a long time lurker on this site but i was always too shy to comment. Finally i decided to gather the courage to jump in.I really love the level of support here on this site and i love the wisdom, empathy and honesty shared between such amazing women.
     I am trying to read as much of this blog as possible. I am too embarrassed to tell my particular story with my guy because it was well over a year ago. I have dated and dated since then. But i am still desperately in love with him even though i have come to the very firm conclusion that there is no hope of him ever coming back (He is very happy with someone else or so it seems on fb). All i want is to be free of him and this pain.
     I have no idea how to move on, even though i have tried being busy, dating, not thinking of him etc. I feel crazy and trapped and helpless and depressed and sad and hurt ((
     Please help!!! ((((

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 5:55pm

756. 756: Rori Raye says:

     Autumn – Welcome, and so glad to have you here. This is what I’d recommend: 1. EFT (Tapping) – you can google it and find videos to tap along with online. 2. Go to http://www.loveeris.com for Eris Huemer and read what she’s got and get her book – she’s all about heartache. 3. A spiritual journey – this means find a New Age church in your town, read books like “Ask And It Is Given” and Jacob Glass’s “Crabby Angels Chronicle” and Ernest Holmes “This Thing Called You” and many more, and use my Tools for being present, to listening to everything that’s around you. 4. Move your body – find a “Sweat My Prayers” Ecstatic Dance place near you – VERY helpful. 5. Get a coach: Virginia Clark http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com is my first recommendation because, on top of being an amazing coach, she’s a great hypnotherapist and does Guided Imagery, which actually gets straight into your subconscious and get you some FAST change. Love, Rori

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:50pm

757. 757: Jasmine says:

     Autumn,

     Do you talk to him at all?

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 6:57pm

758. 758: Jasmine says:

     Autumn,

     Start by deleting him on fb. Block him. The less you hear from him, the better you’ll feel. Don’t even let yourself get curious about him. If you guys keep in contact, STOP talking to him. If he’s in a relationship you have to step out and do your best to get him out of your chest. They are happy, whether it’s true or not, believe it that way. There’s nothing you can do about it. It is painful but you have to try your hardest because you’re the only one who can get you out of there.

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:09pm

759. 759: Starla says:

     (((((((((((((((((Autumn)))))))))))))))

     Saturday, 7 July 2012 @ 7:37pm

760. 760: Autumn says:

     Thank you Rori!!! I will follow up on those suggestions right away. Honestly I had no idea where to even begin!

     Jasmine, No i was not in contact at all. He had deleted me on fb, but i was able to see his wall due to low security settings. I actually just blocked him and his gf. I felt like i was going to be sick, and afterwards i just sat here and tried to breathe and not feel physically sick. I feel so ashamed that i would still feel so strongly after almost a year of no contact, someone who obviously doesn’t care or remember that i am on the same planet. I was too afraid to block him before and had created an unhealthy daily ritual of checking his fb for any updates. I had no control and it was scarey but i know this is the best.

     Jasmine i was following your story. I hope you are having a better day today.

     Thank you Starla! you are a darling. Thank you again so much.

     Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 2:02am

761. 761: Jasmine says:

     Autumn,

     It is perfectly ok. I have done that too but I deleted A (that’s how I call him) on fb long time ago. Every time I saw a post or a picture of him it felt like twenty knives in my whole body, no matter how meaningless the post was. He even sent me a friend request again, but I rejected it. I didn’t want to feel that again. If I wanted to feel better it had to start with me, and not knowing what he’s doing has helped me a LOT.

     I am a lot better, it’s been days since I don’t hear from him and I do miss him sometimes but I’m positive. As Rori says “Get rid of every man who shuts you out. Period”. That’s what I did. And it feels soooooo good when you lean back.

     So I hope everything goes better with you now. Don’t push yourself, you’ll do it little by little and you already started.

     Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 7:37am

762. 762: Autumn says:

     Jasmine,

     Oh wow! I feel so weak compared to you. I knew i had to block him to stop my obsessive checking and self torture but i just felt too scared to sever the last connection (that was clearly existed only in my head). Today is day one, and i am determined to be strong.

     I know i have to be strong and put myself first. I can’t believe you rejected his friend request! haha.

     I am going to read and follow up on some of the suggestions Rori made so i plan on being very busy . No time to think of certain unmentionable men!

     Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 4:27pm

763. 763: Sandy says:

     Hi Rori,
     I have a question about a difficult situation which I’m not sure how to deal with. I didn’t know where to post a new question so I hope this finds you well.
     I am happily married with 2 very small children. Recently I met up with an ex boyfriend from 23years ago. We were childhood friends and each others first true love. We were both young and due to study commitments I moved to another state and we broke up. We never talked about it and for years I tried to stay friends as I ws hoping that one day we could sort things out, but he would avoid me and after a while I gave up assuming he disliked me, moved on and got married. He recently contacted me and as I have always looked up to him as someone very special, inspiring and with which I shared a special connection I was excited to catch up again. I was upset to see his lfe had not turned out the way he had hoped after a divorce and 2 young children and I blamed myself for not being there for him. We finally talked about the past and he told me he had not had a girlfriend for 10 years because he had always been in love with me and that he would do anything to change things and wished he had not avoided me all those years. I have very strong values about monogomy and I adore my husband and family but the feelings got the better of me and we got together (we didn’t actually have sex, he stopped that before it happened). As soon as we got together he pushed me away and pretty much wanted me out of his life. He said he didn’t want to ruine my marriage and go through what he had been through and he didn’t even want to be friends. I was absolutely devastated. I know I did the wrong thing and I will forever feel guilty about that, but I just felt so confused. I’m normally so grounded but had recently had a baby and hadn’t felt myself emotionally and reacted really badly. I started chasing him and wanting him to explain why he would do this to me. I would never normally do this and have never chased a guy in my life. I couldn’t believe I was doing this (maybe I had some sort of post natal depression or something!) Of course the more I chased him the more he ran away. It felt so weird beng in a happy marriage but feeling heart broken all at the same time. I so desperately wanted to be friends at least. He means so much to me because of all the things he did and helped me with as a confused teenager, we were best friends for years before going out and had a very close relationship. Feeling like I had lost his love and respect for ever just gutted me.
     I’m so upset that I have let everybody down. My husband (he doesn’t know), myself, my family and the love of my life.
     What should I do? I know I should probabaly never contact him again (I know he will stay away from me forever now). Or give it some time and try to rebuild a friendship? Any advice would be great with this disaster as I clearly can’t talk to anyone about it in fear that it will destroy my marriage.
     Sandy

     Sunday, 8 July 2012 @ 9:51pm

764. 764: Jasmine says:

     Autumn,

     Oh yeah I did. And I felt so good when I rejected him. I blew him off just the same way he had blown me off all the time. Just one advice: Start by NOT counting the days. I was doing it and it stressed me out. Although you know how much time has passed, don’t make it a habit to count day by day.

     Go over Rori’s tools, they help a lot. And your attitude changes as well. I haven’t heard from that guy since the day I posted my story and you know what? I don’t care. I don’t even know if I’ll reply when he contacts me (if he does). Some time on my own will help me see things more clearly, and it will help you too. We women usually make ourselves blind to reality for sticking with someone that’s not the best for us.

     So keep it up girl! Positive

     Monday, 9 July 2012 @ 1:53pm

765. 765: Rori Raye says:

     Sandy! Time for an intervention from ALL of us here!

     1. Forgive yourself. Now, this minute. Guilt is a useless emotion. Just don’t go there (lots of ways to deal with it, but for now, just don’t go there and relax your whole body when you feel guilt. Just let it run through you without giving energy to it…

     2. Close the book on this man this minute. Do not think about him (again – just let thoughts of him run through you) – do not contact him, don’t look him up on google or on facebook – NOTHING!!!!

     3. Get professional help. If ever anyone needed a coach right now – YOU do! Call Dominique or Virginia Clark or Orna or Greta Hassel Or Sheri Meyers for real help. They’re all totally different, so you can go with the most cost effective if you want (make sure you’re working with a woman, tho). You need help with the obsession, compusion, and you need help reigniting the passion and feeling for your husband. It’s there! You’re just going elsewhere right now, and we need to bring you back.

     4. No need to tell your husband anything yet. You need lots and lots of clarity first. You didn’t sleep with him, it was an emotional affair – and now it’s OVER!!!! NO FRIENDS!!!!! DONE!!!

     5. A big part of monogamous love is you have to choose. Yep – you can’t have it all. Sometimes you can have several men friends and a husband – but it can only happen if you’re not hot for any of them, and you can keep your energy focused on your husband. I know it’s hard sometimes – and do you think it is for him, too??

     6. Your other choice is Polyamory – so look that up. If that’s what you want (I don’t think it is) – then you can inch your way there by starting a conversation with your husband. Hey – There’s always the “swinging lifestyle” – but Polyamory is different.

     Love, Rori

     Monday, 9 July 2012 @ 4:42pm

766. 766: Shay says:

     I have been exclusively dating a man that all of the sudden started to push me away and step back…then the chasing began and my insecurities kicked in. now I think I have completely pushed him away. The last thing I heard from him was “why are you calling me (with such a sadened voice) after you told me you were the one running this time”, “give me a couple of days to not be so pissed off then maybe I will talk to you”. Do I just completely leave him alone. We have both hurt each other because of what we have both gone thru in our past?

     Tuesday, 10 July 2012 @ 1:18am

767. 767: Rori Raye says:

     Shay – Please just completely leave him alone and start Circular Dating, no matter how icky you feel. When he calls you (he will) you must be skilled at Feeling Messages, Leaning Back, and getting yourself grounded. Read everything you can here, get the ebook (Have The Relationship You Want – just click o the picture in the right sidebar here), start practicing 24/7, and we’ll all help you here. Love, Rori

     Tuesday, 10 July 2012 @ 9:13am

768. 768: Sarah says:

     Okay, So I completely get, and agree with, the whole “lean back and let him chase” concept. However, here’s a little stickler, that I just cannot seem to find any sort of guidance, anywhere on..The issue of the socially awkward, shy, introverted male. Not that they are all the same, of course not, but my “guy that I am not having a relationship with” certainly fits all three. Do you play by the same rules for these types of men?. Will his “manliness” overide his introversion?, or will this have any impact at all?. I have been on several dates, 6 in fact with a very ntroverted and sensitive guy, who I am totally in to. However, this has been over a period of 7 months!!. I am trying hard not to chase him or come across as eager or needy, but He wont make a move/ It takes him weeks, months sometimes to ask me out again, he calls and emails all the time, and last time we had a wee snog, but that’s it. Nothing, nada. Friends reckon, I will have to do the work with this one because of how he is, but I don’t know if that will be giving my power away??. I am likely to have one foot in the grave, or at least be wheeling the ‘ol zimmerframe around by the time he takes some action and sadly I am finding myself becoming consumed with thinking of it. Grrrr!. Anyhoo, The whole circular dating thing is not a particularly viable option in this one horse town either, where the only available men are the two old geezers holding up the bar stools n the local pub. I have noted, much of the advice around the whole psychology of men, tends to gear very towards the “alpha male” mode and I am wondering if this is always the case. Is his introverted personality stopping him from making a proper move?, or is it a bad case of “He’s just not that into you”?. Am I making excuses for him?. If he was interested would he just go for it?. Any advice in relation to my meanderings would be much appreciated, Thanks xx

     Tuesday, 10 July 2012 @ 6:05pm

769. 769: Pinky says:

     Hi Rori,
     I hope all is well, I need some advise the guy I have been seeing has really been distancing himself lately, it’s been over 3 weeks now.. we hardly talked on the phone, we used to text each other every morning.. I have stopped calling him and texting him, because I am usually the one in the relationship who does it first, we didn’t have a fight or anything.. it seems he is always too busy for me.. I did say to him a couple of weeks before “we need to talk” after that he doesn’t come by as much.. also we are not in a relationship.. well an official relationship but I only been seening him exclusively.. I step back from calling and texting him to see if he would step forward to make the effort on his end, but it seems like he is comfortable with this.. or waiting for me to do it first, I am tired of always have to call or text.. I need to know if he is thinking about me as well.. sometimes I do feel like I am chasing him, and he knows how I feel about him so he feels I will not be going anywhere.. I am very confuse and need some advise.. not sure If I should be the bigger person and call or text him.. or just pull back and give space, any advise will be helpful.. Thanks.

     Wednesday, 11 July 2012 @ 6:36am

770. 770: Rori Raye says:

     Sarah – I’m assuming that you’re smiling deeply at him, opening your heart, telling him how wonderful and handsome he is, and touching him. That you’re warm and welcoming and a Modern Siren. If that’s so, and he’s not responding – then – is that what you want for the rest of your life? And – if you’re even THINKING about him when he’s not in front of you – you’re chasing him – and he can feel that. Makes him want to run. AND – what would happen if you straight out ASKED him? With a smile and total acceptance of whatever his answer is: “Hi, I’ve noticed I’m feeling fond of you…and I’m not sure what to make of our dates…are you attracted to me? Are you interested in spending time with me? I don’t want to be making this up if you just want to be friends.” Love, Rori

     Wednesday, 11 July 2012 @ 8:53am

771. 771: Trouble says:

     Hi Rori

     I am in a lot of trouble and I do not know what to do.
     I have been in a relationship with a guy for a year now (we broke up briefly during the winter, but have tried to figure things out since). A month ago I found out that I was pregnant and he left me a day after I told him.
     He sayd he did not feel like our relationship was a lifetime thing for him, that we did not have fun and that he does not feel that an event like an unplanned pregnancy should change this.
     So I am left with facing the pregnancy and delivery on my own and he is thinking about whether he’d like to be involved once the baby arrives. I am devastated about it and do not know how to talk to him. Anything I try to say he takes as an emotional blackmail.
     I know I should not chase him, but I feel like I owe this to the child.
     Please advice
     xx

     Thursday, 12 July 2012 @ 3:35am

772. 772: Rori Raye says:

     Trouble – what you owe your child is a mom who has herself together, and is completely focused on being a mom. You can do it. For your baby’s sake, allow him to be as much a dad as he wants, make sure he’s legally compelled to financially contribute to supporting the baby – and ask NOTHING ELSE from him. This man is NOT a prospect for you. Now’s the time to Circular Date, and let a man find you who’d LOVE to be an instant family with you! (There are LOTS of those men out there….) Make some single mom friends, get some support from hospital pregnancy groups, find out if there’s anyone in your family or circle of friends who’ll go to Lamaze class and be with you during delivery with you…(who knows – you may have a great boyfriend by then! – Weirder things have happened….) Love, Rori

     Thursday, 12 July 2012 @ 4:48pm

773. 773: Beatrice says:

     (Anyone else out there been in this predicament and how did you get yourself out and still get the man?) PS I’m listening to “Reconnect Your Relationship”

     Rori, I have messed up big time… I have been leaning back, and upping my confidence and this week saw some positive changes with this one man (Q) I really like at work (I’ve been trying to CD but don’t have any others right now). We chat on IM about everything & of course flirt (we’ve done a couple lunches, and 3 happy hours but now he doesn’t ask me out after wk – we’re both single parents & at one time he said he “could tell” I was waiting to be asked out on a real date… that’s when I found your programs and they’ve helped me not give out those vibes anymore…I CD myself if nothing else comes along). I got more into it today that usual. I read Michael Fiore’s “Text The Romance Back” and took his tips to our IM chat. Q’s been giving me more tidbits of his life, his plans. He came over to my desk today and told me he’s going to his cousin’s wedding in my town 7pm Sat night but he’s getting a sitter for his kids (he’s divorced and it’s his wknd), and when I said playfully that I hadn’t thanked him for the recent sexy pic he sent me, he said “after the wedding you can thank me hard”) It was going well until the part of the IM I’ve included below… I now see where I should’ve STOPPED, FELT and said nothing, or asked him “What do you mean?” Instead, oh dear God, look at my horrific reaction! I’m mortified. I feel like I’ve blown it, pushed him away. (I had to fwd a text to him earlier this evening from a mutual friend and his replies back to me were one-worded). I was wondering if it’s okay to call or to text something in the morning before his day starts with his kids so he’s not thinking of the past but got something to look fwd to & think of me all day… something like, “Good morning! Woke up thinking of the way u touched me yesterday… I’m going to do a late workout tonight then go to Starbucks on (street name) in (town)…” or something… or “Thinking of how you touched me on the stairs…and how you’re in (name of town) later…” or “going to workout tonight and then read my book in Starbucks on (street/town). (he knows I workout late and I’m letting him know I’m still free like he was hinting at work after the wedding). Again text is a similar poison to IM but…I’m afraid to call him. I know I’m over-thinking it and I see where he was playing and I should’ve taken a moment to realise but I jumped ahead instead. But without his usual “LOL” at the end like he usually does, I took it to mean suddenly he was going to make me “work for it”… And he’s right, I should know by now how he plays around… Ugh, I’m beating myself up over this! I’m not good at explaining myself and IM/text is no place for someone like me in that case.

     HIM
     “going to tease u so much b4 (explicit)…”

     ME
     “good! we’d have a fun night =)”

     HIM
     “mmm yes we would”

     ME
     “. . .if we tumbled into bed together”

     HIM
     “if u are lucky enough…”

     ME
     “you didn’t see my IF?”

     HIM
     “i did..”

     ME (I tried to remind myself I’m CDing right now & not to put all my eggs in one basket)
     “I make no promises to anyone but I don’t make comments like “if u are lucky enough…” cuz I’m not full of myself”

     (I didn’t mean HE was full of himself just that I wasn’t full of MYself)

     HIM
     “ouch im not full of myself lol i know what i know”

     HIM
     “ouch back. that hurt ”

     HIM
     “really? that hurt? are u serious?”

     ME
     “well, you’ve said similar things before so yes….kinda”

     HIM
     “awe sorry didnt realize that was so sensitive”

     ME
     “it’s not “so sensitive” it’s just i don’t get the comment that’s all ”

     HIM
     “u dont “get” them meaning u dont receive them? or you dont “get” them meaning you dont understand them?”

     ME
     “honey i get your humour, i don’t get how a guy can connect in one minute and then say “if ur lucky enough” the next like I should be honoured you’re even talking to me, lol”

     HIM
     “then u dont get my humour….come on…do u really think im that full of myself? u must….to think i am being serious.”

     ME
     “I get it, I know you’re being funny. But bc you’ve said it before I was like, “Wot? Really? Oh.” The 2nd or 3rd time is it still a joke or… y’know? Cuz I was on a high dammit lol”

     HIM
     ok ok

     ME
     kkk

     ME
     rewind

     ME
     don’t be mad

     ME
     aww… c’mon. . .you want me to beg?

     HIM
     no… well, depends…lol circumstantial

     ME
     ah, okay

     ME
     Sorry if I upset you. I’m going to head out soon. Just clearing the air before I go….

     HIM
     “im not upset i just dont want u to feel hurt… never my intention…im just playful, u know that by now i would think just now”

     ME
     ‘course I know that. I like playful. There was no lol so it threw me, s’all…. I’m not hurt, I had a good day with you…still tingling, still thinking about the towel dropping off you. . .”

     HIM
     towel? oh the towel…lol..

     ME
     yep.
     coming off

     HIM
     nite

     ME
     bye

     HIM
     bye!

     After this I was not happy with the long pauses & obvious stand-offishness, so I went to his cubical and said a personal sorry. He smiled, looked sheepish, still touched me, rubbed his hand over me, up my leg etc., but his body language was removed – he literally moved back, like “uh oh you’re crazy.” We had a little talk about the misunderstanding. He said he couldn’t believe I was “hurt” by it. I laughed “not dagger in me hurt silly, it’s just IM-lingo hurt like “awe, ouch”. I told him without the “LOL” at the end I didn’t know he was playing…that he said he’s out of my league once before so I was like “What? Oh. really?” And he laughed nervously, “Oh you’re counting my comments… oh my gosh!” I said “No! I just remembered it, so it threw me…” He asked me about my wknd plans, we still were ‘into’ each other but after such a high today with my confidence and the “Michael Fiore” text tips working their charm, just being in the moment & us kissing in the stairs & at lunch with cowkrs he’s playing footsie under the table & him constantly putting himself in my space to see me….I think I’ve ruined it… Now the only texting and IM I feel like typing is sad face

     Friday, 13 July 2012 @ 11:10pm

774. 774: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     I don’t think it’s as bad as you think. I would just not mention it again, and it will quickly be forgotten.

     Rori says when in doubt, go with the positive message. I would assume a man is joking until it becomes crystal clear he isn’t. But I know how it feels bad in the moment.

     If it were me, I might have said:

     ME
     “. . .if we tumbled into bed together”

     HIM
     “if u are lucky enough…”

     ME
     “No, if YOU are lucky enough, LOL!”

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 4:31am

775. 775: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     I also meant to say this is a case in point why I feel scared of texting. So much intonation and expression is lost in text. This whole misunderstanding wouldn’t have occurred if you had been face to face.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 4:32am

776. 776: Beatrice says:

     Esteemed – I agree… IM and text are poison if you’re going to use them for the majority of the communication, which we have to because we’re at work. We’ve been talking since early May, and this is probably our 3rd IM where we’ve been unsure of what the other person’s said and got all bothered about it. There was another time he said “if you’re lucky”; and I did respond with “no, if you’re lucky”. Another time he said “good for you going after a man who’s out of your league” referring to himself…There is always truth in joking so yesterday when he said “if you are lucky” without an ‘LOL’ I thought, “what, he’s putting the brakes on me?! Why? we were having a good day..” The thing is for some reason it makes ME look like the bad guy and he shuts down…Maybe he’s scared to IM/Text now because he doesn’t want it to be misunderstood, I get that. Last night when I fwd a text to him from a friend that was a question about a bar location he just replied with one word: the name of the bar. Then I text that I’d found a kickboxing place & funny thing it’s the one he’d been telling me about all along and I’d not realised, lol…He text back “Nice!” I know he had his kids but you can tell he’s backed off.

     Thanks for your advice. Wish I could rewind…

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 5:45am

777. 777: Beatrice says:

     PS when we do hang out outside of work, a rarity nowadays, we never have misunderstandings so it definitely is IM…

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 5:47am

778. 778: Jasmine says:

     Beatrice,

     My ex bf used to say “If you’re lucky” all the time, but he was always kidding, like flirting. At the end I started using the same expression and he would just reply “I’m feeling lucky”. It was more of a game type of thing. I think your guy was probably just kidding. Men like to tease to make themselves interesting and get yourself interested.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 10:58am

779. 779: Beatrice says:

     Thanks Jasmine… I just felt like he was suddenly serious and put the brakes on how well things were going. I’ve really messed up. Not that we have anything special bc lets face it, an office flirtation is really nothing. I wonder if I should contact him (text?) and say “Hi. Since you’re in [town], if you want to get together over coffee after the wedding….”

     OR

     “Hi. Since you’re in my area if you want to get together over coffee (nicer than the IM monster!) after the wedding let me know”.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 11:10am

780. 780: Femininewoman says:

     Beatrice does he know how to contact you, if he wants to?

     By the way most people are on the newest thread.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 11:15am

781. 781: Jasmine says:

     Beatrice,

     Nah. I wouldn’t ask him out. That’s too much leaning forward. I don’t know too much about the situation but I would wait for him to contact him and then try to smooth things out.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 11:26am

782. 782: Jasmine says:

     I would wait for him to contact me I meant

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 11:37am

783. 783: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     776 – One thing Rori said has comforted me many times over: You CAN’T say the wrong thing to the right man.

     Whew! LOL, because I have said all the wrong things to R many times over! I have made social blunders Rori never even dreamed of! And here it is, 4 years later, and R is coming back in my direction!!!

     Rori also says men are very forgiving, and they forget little things like this very quickly. So the important thing is for US as women to move on and not keep ruminating about our little blunders!

     Just go back into leaning back (not initiating texts), being light and fun, and inviting, and my prediction is everything will be back to normal in a short time.

     R has backed away from me so many times that it’s embarrassing! I mean, he had reason! Because I felt insecure, and I overfunctioned, and I crazy texted, and I called him an a$$hole and said fu(k you! I did it ALLLLLLL! LOL!

     And now? We are getting along AMAZINGLY WELL! I have never had such a peaceful, harmonious relationship in my entire life!

     Keep your chin up!

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:30pm

784. 784: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     If a man said to me, “I’m out of your league”, I’d either say something cheeky, but more likely I’d say, “that feels bad to hear. I like to be thought of as a first class lady by a man. What do you think?”

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

785. 785: Beatrice says:

     ohmygosh Esteemed if you and I met we’d be best friends lol! You are so funny and have just in one minute lightened my mood… Thanks!!

     You did all that? Really? wow…

     I didn’t think I was going to slip up this way… i literally forgot about RR’s teachings and acted in the moment.

     Confession – I did text earlier to see if he wanted “to get coffee after the wedding (much nicer than IM monster lol)” He replied with “Nicer than the I’m monster or IM monster?” I said “lol, instant message monster”. He said his 2 babysitters fell thru and he’s scambling to find another, tune up his car and get to the pool” “I’ll keep you posted.”

     And that’s good enough for me, I’m not expecting him to make time or call… I just did it for a sort of closure to see if he was still talking to me lol. Since then I’ve had peace about Monday morning… maybe the RR way says don’t text but I had to get over that weird vibe in the air so I am happy I did. Come Monday I will be my usual self and the flowers I sent myself will give me a smile too! since I’m CDing myself right now haha. And that will get everyone in the office wondering, and lift my self confidence and esteem.

     I usually hate text and for that reason started a blog on my love-hate relationship with text and IM)… but I text him bc above anything else we are friends and coworkers and I don’t want there to be a weird vibe Monday morning… Sorry RR, Esteemed et al! I will learn this week…

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

786. 786: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     I understand your reason for texting him xactly! I’ve done it for that reason many times with R. Now I just do my best to not get in that uncomfy position to begin with.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:54pm

787. 787: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I liked when you say men are forgiving about little things. Mine were bad. Just like you say, I insulted him, judged him, pushed him away, all kinds of things. And today I miss him. And I wish I could take back all of my actions.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:56pm

788. 788: Esteemed says:

     Beatrice,

     It’s a case of do as I say, not as I do! I feel far more at ease with R than I ever have. What I realized is he pushed me away when my behavior was dysfunctional. He drew me close when my behavior was healthy.

     Having come from a dysfunctional family, it has taken time for me to finetune myself. But this blog and Rori’s programs have been there for me every step of the way, and what fantastic resources they are!

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

789. 789: Jasmine says:

     BUT.. I’m doing things better now. That’s what matters . I can always make a better version of myself.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:03pm

790. 790: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I wonder… why do you call your situation with R a relationship?

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:05pm

791. 791: Dominique says:

     It’s not so much that men are forgiving of little things, they just don’t let things get to them or even forget them.

     Unlike many women, they just get a person’s, maybe more so a woman’s, tendency to shifting moods. They also tend not to dwell on things like many women do. They tend to let things go more easily, as in she’s not feeling well, or she’s having an off moment. They tend to be more in the moment and going with the flow. We could take a page from their books around this.

     xxoo

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:25pm

792. 792: Jasmine says:

     Yes Dominique. Men are quite simple.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

793. 793: Dominique says:

     No Jasmine, I don’t think men are simple, more easy going maybe though that’s not the right words really.

     xxoo

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:36pm

794. 794: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     790 – I have known R for over 4 years. We are just friends. Because we relate, I loosely use the term relationship.

     I feel triggered and I feel my heart pounding. This is the very thing R has made an issue again and again. Last time he asked me that same question, I said, “I have a relationship with my dog. I have a relationship with my Mom. I have a relationship with God. I have a relationship with my friends at church.”

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:39pm

795. 795: Jasmine says:

     Dominique,

     793 – lol I’m sorry. I believe that though

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:45pm

796. 796: Dominique says:

     No need to apologize Jasmine . I used to believe this too but have come to find otherwise. On the outside it may seem their needs are simple as well as their thinking, but quiet waters can run deeply. I hope you find someone who will challenge you in all ways, emotionally, spiritually. It’s an incredible experience. If this is what you want of course.

     xxoo

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

797. 797: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel triggered. I asked because sometimes when I read what you say about R and your relationship with him, to me it sounds like an actual relationship. So I was curious about if you feel like you’re in a relationship with him.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

798. 798: Jasmine says:

     Dominique,

     796 – Thank you! I loved reading that. I long for it so bad.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 2:55pm

799. 799: Esteemed says:

     Dominique,

     796 – the thoughts of this adventure into the heart and mind and soul of a man fascinates me! Reading what you wrote leaves me feeling excited!

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 3:29pm

800. 800: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     797 – No need to apologize for triggering me. R has me well schooled to understand IT IS JUST A FRIENDSHIP. HE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

     Yet my intuition and feelings tell me differently. Actions speak louder than words.

     So I bide my time in deep confusion and pain.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 3:34pm

801. 801: Jasmine says:

     Esteemed,

     What if your intuition is telling you what you want it to tell you?

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 3:38pm

802. 802: Esteemed says:

     Jasmine,

     Altho that is possible, I think there is more to it. I don’t feel this perplexed all the time when my intuition is just playing tricks on me.

     One thing I determined a long time ago is that love is expressed in time.

     We spend time doing what we enjoy most in our free time, and being with who we enjoy most. He has spent much, much time with me.

     I could go on. And I feel weary of going in circles in my mind. Plus I have company tomorrow for a few days so I need to resume my housework, now that that superb movie is over.

     But I appreciate your interest in my life.

     Saturday, 14 July 2012 @ 3:47pm

803. 803: Trouble says:

     Rori
     Thank you so much for your response.
     The guy came back asking to help me and live with us while the baby is small (as a couple). Then we’ll see where it goes.
     Should I even consider it, given how he left?

     I appreciate your response so much.

     Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:20am

804. 804: Trouble says:

     Rori
     Thank you so much for your response.
     The guy came back asking to help me and live with us while the baby is small (as a couple). Then we’ll see where it goes.
     Should I even consider it, given how he left?

     I appreciate your response so much.

     Friday, 20 July 2012 @ 5:27am

805. 805: Tiffany says:

     I dont know what to do i had sex with him way too soon and now im confused he drove over just for a kiss & if i dont call he says hes been calling all day but i never have any missed calls from him. I want a relationship but i think he now thinks of me as a fwb which i dont want. Help! What should i do?

     Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:36am

806. 806: Rori Raye says:

     Tiffany – please stop worrying. You can’t make a mistake with the right man by sleeping with him. Yeah, you can create a lot of drama like this….but, so what? I don’t know what’s up with the phone – please let him know you didn’t get any calls from him, when he next says he called. And please don’t sleep with him again until he gets into the “dating” routine of asking you out in advance and taking you somewhere public. Love, Rori

     Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:17am

807. 807: Ella says:

     Hi Rori,
     sorry this is long. I’ve been seeing a guy for little over a year and it’s been sorta strange on and off last couple months we have barely seen each other. when I got ur program love scripts I tried but I did only half right, expressing but then I continued attacking blaming I can see how this is such a process and will take practice and time. so since then he withdrew and then we reconnected and then I went crazy texting and texting the script well he would just ignore and I out of fear of losing him would text again and he would finally respond. it’s been a month since I’ve seen him or talked to him by phone. I feel I got mixed signals from him after he confirmed he wanted me and now he didn’t put any effort into trying to work at it. he is a toxic man apparently. and just yesterday I finally got back on fb and saw a lot of activity of him going out and just what seems actin single to me and so I confronted him about it. by text cuz we haven’t talked in a month and I made the mistake of waiting around for him. and he claims it’s just his friends. I feel neglected he kept telling me he works a lot and would make time and of course that didn’t happen. now he also had another fb I found and he was on a meetme site which he states is like fb. regardless I admitted I’m jealous when he gives attention to other woman and spends time with them even if in a group. perhaps this was irrelevant since we are what seems not even together at this point. the main question I have for u is now he is leaving out of country for a month and I left off by asking him I want a man that knows if he wants me or not and if that’s not u I need to know to move on. I also added that I tried talking to him and I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us. he ignored this all and didn’t answer. and now I noticed he deleted the other fb and the meetme site. we are still friends on fb but it’s as of we are strangers to each other. so I wanted to use ur line about stating he can have all the time in the world that he wants to decide but until then he can’t have me all to himself. or should I just leave things be since the water well is not coming towards me at all? I just feel like I left it so insecurely. this is my first officially longest relationship and I have made numerous communication mistakes.

     help he’s leaving and I will be seeing all his activity of his trip visiting family and friends. I’m jealous of that. and I think he’s just trying to slowly break up with me and the best way is to ignore me. I don’t know. or I could start circular dating and see wat happens when he comes back. he is my first too which makes this really hard.. thanks rori.

     Sunday, 21 October 2012 @ 9:59pm

808. 808: Rori Raye says:

     Ella – This is going to be harsh – but please ask yourself what you’re doing here. As far as I can tell from your letter, this is over – and based on his behavior – please, you WANT it to be over! He’s withdrawing in the most pitiful way – and what you need more than anything is to keep working on the Tools. Until you can stop putting him so front and center, until you can stop needing to call him, text him, push and shove, and attack and blame – you will continue to meet men like him. Just start Circular Dating. If he contacts you , give him the No Girlfriend speech. Give him the “You’re entitled…speech from “Toxic Men.” There is SO much here to learn, and I wish you good practicing! When you’re able to shift your energy from chasing and clinging to being an invitation – he’ll show up, but so will men who are a better match for you. Love, Rori

     Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:50am