Money is tight – so who pays for a date?
Yes, sounds unfair, sounds anti-feminist, and yet – this is the difference between “friends hanging out together” and a “date.”
A date is about romance. It’s not about companionship or friendship. And it’s not just about sex. It’s about the whole package, it’s about building a romantic relationship step-by-step – and the steps are “dates.”
And in order for romance to happen – for it to even get started – a man has to feel like a man.
What does that look like? For a man to FEEL like a man? He needs to feel appreciated (but in a different way than YOU do. You need appreciation for your warmth and juicyiness, and sexiness, and loveliness – and He needs to be appreciated for his brain power, his manliness, and for what he can PROVIDE – even if it’s simply frozen yogurt or a walk in the park.)
Sound old-fashioned? Sound like the old Cinderella thing? Well – it is. Except for some tweaks that we all have to work with and get used to and make work for us…romance still lies in the emotional, subconscious, cells-of-our-bodies places that “modernity” has never, and will never touch.
Love and romance are feelings – and they have nothing whatever to do with opinions.
Being beautiful and smart and rich and loving and nurturing and fun will get you NOWHERE with a man if he’s not “feeling” it for you.
(Whereas we women can quite turn a handsome, smart, rich, loving, nurturing, fun man into an object of desire – and well we SHOULD – a man doesn’t work quite that way. He’s either “into you” or he’s not – and he won’t even be able to explain the reasons why or why not. Romance is won or lost in the realm of emotions – and the way to win at love is to find your feelings and learn to share them with every man who shows up.
Romance is inspired by feminine energy – yours. Here’s how to get into your feminine energy and inspire romance…without paying for it, and without breaking his bank account, either:
1. Romance and love and dating have absolutely NOTHING to do with WHAT you do or WHERE you go. It has nothing to do with the date being in a romantic setting, or at a romantic time, or even if the date is “nice” or “pleasant” or even “great”!
What we women consider “great” may not ring any chimes with HIM.
So – don’t care about what you DO on a date. Spending money on a nice dinner to score points on a date is a bad investment for a man – and it’s possibly the LEAST romantic thing you can do.
I’ll tell you what’s romantic – going to the zoo or animal welfare shelter if you’re into animals. Going for a walk or a hike if you’re into nature. Sitting in a coffee shop in a strip mall in a suburb you’ve never been to and talking about the people who walk by as characters in a movie – making up their lives. hanging out in a big bookstore or library and looking at things together and separately. Walking around stores or art galleries or the beach.
Romantic has absolutely nothing to do with money.
So – first – get that into your head, and come up with a LIST of things you think might be fun for a SHORT – let’s say under an hour get-to-know-you first date, and for LONG dates – entire evenings – without including tickets to the theater or even ridicualously expensive movies on a Saturday night.
Okay – that’s you, being creative. Now let’s talk about how to share this with HIM.
2. First – let me explain masculine and feminine energy (let’s this “boy” and “girl” energy), and how it works on a date:
You’re in “boy energy” when you’re THINKING about anything, DOING anything, GIVING anything, making a DECISION about anything, taking the INITIATIVE about anything, FOLLOWING UP or CHASING DOWN or SUGGESTING anything, or anything that looks and feels like what I call “Leaning Forward.”This could look like driving, starting a conversation, calling, texting, emailing…and PAYING.
Girl energy, on the other hand, is all about FEELING anything, RECEIVING anything, RADIATING, SHARING – and just BEING.
When you are in boy energy – you get stuff done. You are smart and clever. And you do not inspire romance. Respect, maybe. Friendship for sure. Even awe. But not romance.
When you are in girl energy – you ARE romance! That’s it. A man is desperately lonely. No matter what you think, or what he says, or what his history looks like – the man in front of you is LONELY.
He’s lonely because he cannot FEEL romance on his own. He needs a woman to feel that with. And he can’t supply the necessary feelings for it. He needs YOU to supply the emotions that cook up romance. He needs YOU to make him feel OKAY with his feelings by feeling your OWN feelings.
And the moment you pay for anything – you’ve just turned into a guy.
3. So what do you say when the talk about money comes up? Try this:
“I’m feeling old-fashioned these days. I don’t care what we do – I don’t need fancy or expensive, but I don’t feel good paying for stuff around dating. It would feel great to do whatever you think is fun and get to know you. What do you think?”
Okay – notice the words.
Notice how many times I said the word “feel”? That’s the point! SHARING how you feel is what you want to do to help yourself get into your feelings instead of your opinions, which are so much easier. Notice how I said what I “don’t want” instead of trying to lay out what I DO want? Notice how when I said what I want (to do whatever he thinks is fun…) I only said that it would “feel great”?
As subtle as this sounds – it’s actually HUGE.
Giving instructions, directions, and opinions from your thinking brain is a recipe for romantic failure. Don’t do it.
If he asks you what you’d like to do – you have your LIST! Say “I actually wondered about that. I sat down and wrote a list of the things that feel fun, that make me feel good, that don’t cost a lot…would you like to see it?”
Or course he would.
So you can read it to him, or hand it to him out of your purse…and then…you have a GREAAT thing to TALK ABOUT!
Forget about the stories you’ve told every first date. Talk about what’s going on NOW. Right now. “I feel glad you asked me, and It feels good to be asked, and it feels even better to follow you around and find out who you are, too. Ask him “So what’s on YOUR list around town?”
4. If this is a first date – he already knows if he’s smitten with you. And it still might take him a week or two to call you. And if he’s not sure, he may call, or he may not.
No matter what – stay with being a “girl” – stay with the ROMANCE you want, and let him do his job as a man.
Let him call you. Let him ask you out. Let him come up with a plan. And let him pay.
If this is a man you’re dating (and if you’re familiar with my work about a life-plan I call “Circular Dating” you know you ONLY stop dating when you’re ENGAGED) – then you can make a sandwich or popcorn for him occasionally at your place (please no fancy, impressive meals). You can “give back” and still be a girl, as long as it’s small, something YOU enjoy, and infrequent.