Does He Want You In His LIfe?

trueHere’s a letter from Laura that puts us right into a place we’re all familiar with – the place where we’re SO focused on trying to figure out, intuit, ascertain, reason out, ask…”What he feels for us” that we lose touch with ourselves and our “real place” – where life is actually happening.

“Hi, Rori-

When I look in the mirror and ask myself if Robert wants me in his life, I feel a resounding “Yes.” I feel it through my body, into my toes.

And then I second guess myself, tell myself to deal with reality the way it’s showing up around me. I haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks.

The actions that I’m choosing are all ones of self love. I joined a gym. I’m going out, flirting. Circular dating. I’m paying attention to my self talk and switching. You would be proud of me.

So whether the me in the mirror is right or not doesn’t change the way I am behaving. Or why.

I guess I’ve been second guessing myself so much….

If it feels that true to me when I ask myself the question “Does Robert want me in his life?” – and it does – can I trust myself on that? Or does the mind play tricks?

I can be happy without this man. I know that.

To be honest, I feel surprised by the resonance with which the “Yes” is there.

Am I even asking a clear question? If we already know the answer, how do we know to trust? I almost feel guilty for believing when it flies in the face of what is going on in the real world.

I feel kind of ashamed to believe it, like I am flunking out of your class.

Your thoughts though, would be gratefully received. Your answer I would not second guess.

Thanks, Laura

My Answer:

Laura – The answer is very simple: It doesn’t MATTER what you think.

The fact that your mind is on him at all, your thoughts are around him – that’s what you do NOT want.

A man just “does.” He shows up, he calls, he asks you out, he Rows the Boat. There is none of what you’re going through.

Your ability to KNOW if he “wants you in his life” is irrelevant, because you CAN’T know what he’ll do with that information.

Because it doesn’t MATTER what he wants, or what he thinks.

It only matters what he does.

It only matters if what he does feels good to you

It only matters (once you’ve done the work with yourself to know when you’re falling into old patterns and wrestling with what “IS” instead of seeing clearly  and Radically Accepting what IS) if what he does feels sufficient to keep your mind from “going to him” all the time.

Love, Rori

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267 Comments to “Does He Want You In His LIfe?”

  1. 1: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    It definitely only matters what he does. I finally broke up with R after really looking at what he was doing (or rather, not doing) and brushing aside the things he said – how he felt, what he wanted, what I meant to him etc – because that’s when I realised what he did and what he said were completely different and I can’t live with words alone.

    Actions speak louder than words. His actions were screaming at me when I finally got up the courage and looked.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:21am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “It only matters what he does.”

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:32am

  3. 3: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    And I would add: “more important than what he says”

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:48am

  4. 4: KarolineNo Gravatar says:

    According to “what matters is whta he does”, if he does not calling her in 3 weeks, she should drop him!!!

    My husband traveled to a different country with 6 hours behind. He also did not activate the International Roaming so we can’t speak but only whatts app and the communication has been terrible. I said to him how much I feel frustrated with this situation and he said how much he feels misunderstood because he doesn’t have time to stop and give me attention.(Yes, he learned how to use feeling messages).

    How could you handle when your guy learns to speak with feeling messages?

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 8:11am

  5. 5: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Karoline I would just validate his feelings. Men have feelings too, and ask him what he thinks we could do so we both feel supported in the situation.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 8:15am

  6. 6: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    #2 Yes, it only matters what he does! I have to keep reminding me of this!

    OXOX

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 9:17am

  7. 7: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    @ Cris, ““more important than what he says”–so very true!

    @Karoline, one thing I’ve read a lot in this blog is that if a man expresses his feelings just listen at Level 2 (Which is all about what he’s saying, and you not thinking of a response), then tilt your head, and smile. Sometimes, we don’t have to come up with a response. Sometimes just a warm smile speaks for itself. That’s the feminine energy. I’ve found that using the masculine energy of commenting after a man has expressed his feelings doesn’t really serve either you or him very well.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 9:32am

  8. 8: LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Actions come with bullhorns.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 10:05am

  9. 9: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Karoline – There is nothing inherently wrong with a man using feeling messages. Yes men tend to be the thinking/doing creatures, yet they also have feelings. Sometimes/often hearing you use the words – I feel – helps men be more attuned to their own feelings, as they continue to feel safer and closer to you because of your use of them.

    You might even find them willing to explore their feelings more with you.

    And remember that using them isn’t about anyone but you, helping you figure out what it is you really DO feel and feeling this all the way through. Using the words – I feel – gives you a simple way to express those feelings in ways a man can hear you.

    xxoo

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 10:41am

  10. 10: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    HS is impatient and has a temper. He is OCD and gets freaked by normal things around the house. But he is also wonderful, caring, and very good company.
    And I am not perfect. I am messy and scattered and get way to focused on my cyber-world which is where I work. I don’t demand perfection. I can tolerate his flaws if he can tolerate mine.
    He is talking about selling the house again. It is his, not ours, and he owns it outright. But this time we are talking about what WE will do next. And I will have an opportunity to buy in.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 11:01am

  11. 11: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    I keep in my work in the back on my mind pondering what FW said and also what Elsie said 5 mos ago….

    I’m realizing that I don’t “like” these men much! There are aspects of them I like…. but I get caught up in how much they like me… in the beginning… which is the “high” I get… but in all honesty… I haven’t yet dated anyone that I truly “like” almost everything about them…

    I seem to have a reverse thing going on… some women get caught up in how much they like a man, and I get caught up in how much he likes me…

    I had this urge to just shut down and end it with “S” the weekend we first spent the night together… and here is why… he kept being aloof every time I’d talk about me, or my life, or a funny story about my life he wouldn’t laugh or even respond, AT ALL! He just was silent! and then he’d not say anything for awhile and then he just start talking back about himself! I felt awful… but I decided to stay with him and see if it changed…

    It didn’t much and I used my messages to ask him if he was interested, or not… ( of course what was he going to say “NO” I’m not interested in you) but it didn’t change much at all!!!

    He said his only long term relationship ended because of him being aloof! I can see why.

    He really is just bringing me flowers etc. and asking how my day is… and that is really IT! everything else is covertly about HIM…

    I’m so proud that I’ve caught this early on and much earlier than my last one with “M” and next time I’ll walk away sooner….

    Next time a man acts like I’m a goddess ( which I am) but only talks about himself and then tells me it’s a pain to plan dates! GET OUT!

    It should be fun and exciting planning dates for a man, and if it isn’t … red flag…

    I see a pattern of lazy, depressed men… who don’t think I’m not worth the effort… in their actions.. only in their words…

    Tada! Back to me… and my wonderful life! I’m so happy today!!!!

    I keep remembering Rori’s newsletter a few months back about dropping the confused, lazy, men…. that feels good to me…

    XOXOXO

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 11:23am

  12. 12: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    Can someone please chime in with some thoughts?

    So I’m currently CDing, and this guy J is the one I’m most interested in. Recently I’ve felt him withdrawing, and I had a feeling that it was because he wanted me to ask him out. I NEVER ask a guy, and only accept dates that he has planned out.

    Today J said through feeling messages that he feels bad that I never ask him out, and that it pushes him away. He believes that the girl should also put in the effort of asking the guy out too sometimes.

    This feels weird. Guys normally like to be the “doer”. I try to look at men as messages and lessons in my life. I’m definitely not gonna change my beliefs, and I’m gonna trust my boundaries.

    I’m just wondering though…What nuggets of truth can I take from this?

    Thoughts, ladies?

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 11:29am

  13. 13: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    This resonated with me. It is exactly how I feel about ‘T”. Hearing Rori say it doesn’t matter what I think but only what HE does was both a relief and (more if I’m honest) a slap in the face. I can be happy without him. I’m just so much happier with him. Feeling sad and icky.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 11:40am

  14. 14: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, this article is so incredibly true.

    I see it now more than ever.

    Everything we do needs to be getting us back into the present moment, to how we feel. To what’s going on, what we want to happen and what feels good.

    All this wondering about where he’s at or what he’s thinking or feeling is mostly wasted energy… it’s what he does, and whether that feels good to us, that counts.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:08pm

  15. 15: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iris – It could be as simple as allowing you to get clear on what you do and do not want in a relationship. If this becomes a pattern, you attracting and being attracted to these kinds of men, then there may possibly be something deeper going on.

    xxoo

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:15pm

  16. 16: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa,

    I’ve noticed that a lot with guys – that they don’t initially ask a lot of questions about me, don’t seem super interested and/or talk about themselves. And that’s where I’ve found “outgirling” them to be very useful. I lean back, I smile when they tell me about themselves but I don’t feign interest or ask questions just to be polite. I let the silences rest and I just nestle into my comfy-feeling self, and I find most guys at this point start asking questions about me and showing an interest.

    I don’t so much get offended by guys like this any more – I see it as good practice. I’ve used outgirling on guys I’ve been dating to very good effect and it almost always causes them to be drawn in and more interested.

    xx

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:17pm

  17. 17: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    It’s just the freaking disappointment.

    I felt cherished, special, safe.

    And it’s the disappointment of standing in line at Disneyworld, where it’s the longest freaking line, as far as the eye can see, and then you FINALLY get to what you think is the ride– except it’s another long, long line, leading to another corner which may or may not be the ride.

    Meanwhile, people who bought the VIP pass or whatever it’s called just sail right in and get on the ride.

    That’s what it feels like. And I feel so sad that I do all this work on myself, being open to feelings, even bad ones- learning from mistakes, letting go of people I care about because they are men but not THE man– and the line just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on….

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:24pm

  18. 18: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry for complaining.

    Today just feels really hard. I want to climb back in bed and pull the covers over my head until the bad feelings go away.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:36pm

  19. 19: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    With my own positive outcome yesterday, I would like to share some thoughts/feelings…

    He may not know what you want, and that might be he issue…he can’t feel good about anything if he doesn’t know what makes you feel good or bad.

    You may have to first open your heart using a variety of tools, and then spell it out with feeling messages…say I feel _________, and I don’t want________and/or I want you to_______.

    Not only is feeling your feelings by yourself important as can be…it is also just as important to feel your feelings *right* in front of your partner, and not ever hide them.

    When I hide mine, or make J feel bad, he pretty much feels cut off from the juicy stuff (feelings) inside me altogether, lonely, confused and shut down, and he just gives up.

    BUT, when I open up, talk to him about what I like, what turns me on, etc, or how I felt icky about another woman getting his eyeballs on her, haha, he starts right up again like there was never a problem, and feels very good. He has something to work with. He feels involved with me, included in my emotional states, in the know, not lonely, able to do something. That’s really important to him!

    My other problem was that I was saying feeling messages and sort of using them, but in a robotic manner…I wasn’t ACTUALLY FEELING THEM!

    So when I got Love scripts, which to me was the perfect answer alongside the Siren tools, it helped me to open back up from being all hardened, closed off and angry, and going back to my old ways of not being open emotionally.

    You can use the tools to the best of your mental ability and still not get desired results unless your emotions are triggered, stirred, and put into play. I know it seems easy to understand, but to actually do it is another thing, and very important stuff!

    So basically I need to stay open for me to be in his life, him to be in mine, etc. It seems like a fair deal to me, it really does.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:53pm

  20. 20: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    PS – I used Love Scripts for people in a committed relationship, but there’s one for single people who are dating too!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:58pm

  21. 21: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I think what I posted on the last thread resonates with me and this new thread. I tend to not always pay attention to what he does and seek verbal clarification of how he feels about me. Then my nasty voices kick in and he senses my vibe and backs away. Like right now. Ugh

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:59pm

  22. 22: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    My post is not showing up…hmmm

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 1:25pm

  23. 23: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, Mandy, sometimes I wonder if it doesn’t matter what you say, its all about the expression of the feeling.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 1:54pm

  24. 24: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    ‘If we already know the answer, how do we know to trust?’

    Wow, this is such a GREAT question. I’m so glad she put it that way. Because it does seem relevant. “Knowing” something can lead to expectations. It can blind us to the presence of What’s There.

    But I totally get what Laura is writing about.

    In fact, I had a similar moment. I wasn’t *trying* to think of the Lakeman. I felt clear. I was working along, focusing on other things, when all of a sudden, a very powerful (and I will say pleasant also) sensation came to me, or it was a thought that generated the sensation, but I wasn’t aware of generating the thought. I simply seemed to receive “knowledge,” very profoundly that, not only does Lakeman want me in his life (well, actually, maybe he doesn’t. For sure, he would resist that.) But he needs me. In the Siren way, like the air he breathes. He needs me in order to feel and experience all that he can’t gather alone, simply by being by himself. And that I am a woman who can do this for him. Not that others can’t. But that I am the only one who can bring him to a certain level that he really does need. And he senses this, but he fears it, and so he runs away.

    It made me feel very relaxed and warm to consider this. And it felt true in a very non-ego way (I checked). It wasn’t about “me.” It was about who I am, in relation to him. And it just felt sweet.

    The thought came up, I felt the feeling, then it was gone. It wasn’t like I dwelled on it or anything.

    But yeah, it’s interesting about the “knowing.” I always just “knew” that T was someone I had a special connection with, bank in high school and all through college. Though nothing ever happened, the feeling was there. And I’m sure I repelled him by having a vibe of “I’m not enough ton receive his love.” But I fantasized about it and felt torn all the time between wanting to run away and just wanting him to “notice” me.

    Well, I finally came out and confessed this to him, just a few months ago, because he is now married (to a mutual friend), and they just had their first baby. I didn’t want any major awkward moments. And I’m glad I did it. It was so unexpected, but he came back and said that he’d always found me attractive, too, and would always have a crush on me.

    It was unbelievable to hear, but validating in that I then knew – even more – that I could trust my intuition.

    But Rori is right. In the end, it doesn’t (didn’t) MATTER if he had a crush on me. He never acted on it. And so nothing ever happened. And I don’t really have to *know* why. It just didn’t. And that doesn’t mean that I’m not bewildered. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a little heartache every time I see their cute baby on Facebook or imagine how happy she is, being a part of his wonderful family. It really doesn’t do me any good to wonder what she “has” or is that I am not, or don’t have. There is no answer to that.

    Only this: I can trust my gut and my intuition. There are things I can control and things that I can’t. If he feels unsafe about me, that’s something I can change.

    If I know that I am indeed the air he needs to breathe and the beauty he needs is his life, then how can I simply be that air? Be that beauty?

    I think it’s ok if the thoughts drift in now and then. As long as we are not obsessing and still open to the moment. Trusting ourselves is a beautiful process. And sometimes, trusting that inner knowing means that we DON’T need to do anything about it, and can lead to even more effortless leaning back. “Doubting” those intuitive ideas may actually lead to more leaning forward, I order to “find out,” and therefore more behaviors that push him away.

    Does that make sense? That was way longer than I intended, but it was what this post made me think about…

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 2:08pm

  25. 25: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Btw, I meant Iif Lakeman feels unsafe about me. Not T.

    Just to clear that up

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 2:11pm

  26. 26: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique,

    Thanks for the advice. You’re right, and I shared what I was and was not comfortable doing with him; and after I shared through feeling messages, I discovered that there was something deeper than just the discussion of who drives to whom and how often.

    He shared that he had felt self-conscious because he hadn’t had a girlfriend in years. Basically, he didn’t want to keep driving to a girl if she was going to break his heart.

    My immediate reaction was to employ masculine energy, and repeat what my boundaires were, but I decided to try to listen at level 2 before making any comments.

    I still don’t feel comfortable driving to him at all. I’m not sure what to do except lean back at this point.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 2:16pm

  27. 27: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Iris – I would love to weigh in on your number 11!

    Like Dominique said, this is a wonderful opportunity to evaluate what’s really important for you:

    – Is it a dealbreaker or an absolute hard line that you never ask a guy out?
    – Is there a way to talk about it with him so that he understands that your expectation is that he will generally ask you out, but that you might reciprocate in some way?

    Many guys worry that women will “take advantage” of them. They might be concerned that the woman will view him as a “meal ticket,” and to them it’s not just a money thing. But he might be afraid that you will not be interested in him for who he is. Asking for you to ask him out may be his way of saying that he wants to know you are interested in him (it sounds like you are!).

    And just to be clear, I am NOT suggesting that you agree to ask him out or in any way change what feels comfortable to you. But maybe this is a good time respond by having a conversation, rather than taking a hard-line approach. If there is some way you can show him you are interested without actually asking him out, this may resolve the issue for him (and he may ask you out a bunch ; )

    Btw, I do not believe his request means he is “not masculine” or weak, or anything else. I would be cautious of judging, though you can use your intuition on that one. If you like him and you *are* interested, then maybe you can talk about it. And if to don’t get the answers you need, then definitely you can move on. But it sounds to me like it’s worth understanding what is motivations are, first

    Xoxo <3

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 2:30pm

  28. 28: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Iris – I saw that you just posted about this! Lol

    So you already had the discussion. That’s great! :)

    It sounds like he’s still a bit heartbroken. So I’d say the issue may not be who drives to whom or who asks who out. (And maybe he’s just insecure and that was why his relationship ended. Who knows.) But all you can do at this point is be compassionate.

    Maybe give him some time and say, ‘ok, it sounds like you’re not really ready to date again. Take all the time you need. And feel free to call me when you want to take me out again.’

    Boom. No compromising boundaries. No changing your patterns, and no driving to see him. Yes letting him take his time. Yes letting him be the man. Yes letting him step up if he wants to.

    How does that feel to you?

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 2:35pm

  29. 29: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake, it’s not complaining, it’s how you feel.
    I’ve had lots of days like that recently too. Sometimes I find it is actually best to get back into bed, fully clothed and all, and hide under the covers until I feel better. It feels like taking care of myself and that must be a good thing.
    Loving those vulnerable or frustrated feelings
    xx

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:08pm

  30. 30: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    I have believed the words over the actions so many times. Over and over and over. I’m now trying to walk away from empty promises and into what is real. The right man will claim me with his actions, not his words. If I had always listened to this I would have avoided so many years of heartache.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:19pm

  31. 31: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, is there ever a time that it is okay to write a man and apologize for over functioning with him? To wipe the slate clean with him and let him know you are a changed woman? I feel a strong urge to do this with a man that has on and off for a year.
    Please- steer me in right direction!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:24pm

  32. 32: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy (30)
    Thank you for asking the question I’ve been too chicken to request an answer for!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:26pm

  33. 33: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tereana,

    I very much appreciate your advice. It was very thorough and hit the nail on the head.

    “But he might be afraid that you will not be interested in him for who he is. Asking for you to ask him out may be his way of saying that he wants to know you are interested in him (it sounds like you are!). “–Yes, it looks like this really was the deeper issue.

    There’s another reason why he felt weird about my no-asking-a-guy-out/no-driving speech. It’s because I actually have history with J. We’ve liked each other for years, but it was only until this past year that I started practicing Rori’s tools. He told me that my old-fashioned mentality “came out of nowhere”. He said that I used to ask him out and drive to him, so he doesn’t understand why it would be an issue now.

    In the end, I told him I’d try it out a few times, plan a date, drive out to him, but that it wasn’t something I could promise.

    Like all men, this is going to be a learning experience. I will see if asking a guy out/driving to him is a dealbreaker.

    Thanks, ladies!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:37pm

  34. 34: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    I am laughing so hard Amber! Leave to me to ask the questions no one else will! I love that about me! Haha

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 3:40pm

  35. 35: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy and Amber-

    I have not seen a single instance on this board where writing such a letter changed anything in the real world.

    If you want the guy to come back, it feels to me like writing the letter says, “I am waiting and hope you will come back” even if you don’t say that in words.

    And it seems to me that having that assurance that you are still there and it still matters to you what the dynamics of the relationship were- having that assurance that you are still there for the taking, gives the man the reassurance that if YOU still want him, he can take his time and see if he can do better than you.

    He doesn’t know what over functioning means. He just know it stopped being fun. And a letter processing what happened isn’t fun except as an ego stroke that he still has you.

    That is just my 2 cents worth. I can tell you though that I have written those letters my whole life, letting guys know I was still processing the dynamics after he was on to the next thing. I am 52 years old and never married. But maybe those two facts are completely unrelated.

    I’d advise you against it, though. From the bottom of my heart, unless you really don’t care about dating him again.

    But that

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 4:08pm

  36. 36: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy and Amber-

    I have not seen a single instance on this board where writing such a letter changed anything in the real world.
    I have however read a lot of postings where the woman remarks upon receiving an unsatisfactory reply or – more likely- no reply at all.

    If you want the guy to come back, it feels to me like writing the letter says, “I am waiting and hope you will come back” even if you don’t say that in words.

    And it seems to me that having that assurance that you are still there and it still matters to you what the dynamics of the relationship were- having that assurance that you are still there for the taking, gives the man the reassurance that if YOU still want him, he can take his time and see if he can do better than you.

    He doesn’t know what over functioning means. He just know it stopped being fun. And a letter processing what happened isn’t fun except as an ego stroke that he still has you.

    That is just my 2 cents worth. I can tell you though that I have written those letters my whole life, letting guys know I was still processing the dynamics after he was on to the next thing. I am 52 years old and never married. But maybe those two facts are completely unrelated.

    I’d advise you against it, though. From the bottom of my heart, unless you really don’t care about dating him again.

    But that is just me.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 4:11pm

  37. 37: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @cupcake <3 I agree!

    I'm with you on that…. it just gives the man all the power!! to know your pining over him… which most of the time they think they have all the power anyways…

    and I'm finding out that men don't have a clue what leading a relationship is, they don't have a clue that they "need" to pursue the woman…. they just know that they seem less interested when they don't…

    and I found out (though was aware of it prior) that they think they want a woman to chase them sometimes… funny how "S" really tried to get me to initiate things more…and I did a little bit, but not much, I also noticed when that happened he started to pull back… so I don't even think they have a clue!!! What they want!!!… they think they want a 50/50 relationship woman pays sometimes, and woman asks them out sometimes…woman makes the plans, they don't have to do much, they think that is the new age… equality… but in my experience as soon as we do that, they start acting out, pulling back and leaving… strange…

    XOXOXO

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 4:22pm

  38. 38: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – 27 – I don’t want to contradict this, yet this is making a big assumption, not a recommended road to take. We don’t really know if he’s ready to date or not.

    Iris – Listening to him IS a great idea, expressing compassion, and then if you don’t want to ask him out or drive to him, then this is what you want to tell him.

    “I hear you, and I understand, yet I don’t feel comfortable asking men out or driving to them. It feels so much better for me this way.”

    Or something like this. We can work on the wording to fit you if you wish.

    xxoo

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 4:59pm

  39. 39: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy – 30 – No. Words won’t make anything right if he even reads them. Actions speak far louder. And this could take time. He will notice the changes if he’s open to them and the man for you.

    xxoo

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 5:03pm

  40. 40: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Amber and Tammy- if the letter insists on being written, write it and post it to us. Or write it in paper and burn it, releasing it to the universe.

    Sometimes the words tug on one’s sleeve until they get out.

    But he doesn’t need to see them, and as someone wise recently said to me, Being a Siren does not require full disclosure. :)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 5:26pm

  41. 41: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @10 – LIsa – I’m not sure what I said a few months ago but I”m glad I could help! :)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 6:57pm

  42. 42: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @cupcake – its totally not complaining. Its your journey. Just remember that the people that are on the fast pass in the line aren’t going on the same journey as yours. And in the end, wont relish the ride like you will once you get there. Wont appreciate it as much. And frankly, may feel unfulfilled and have to go back and start all over riding the ride with someone new. Sorry – the analogy seemed to fit. :) Keep waiting in line. The person you find at the end should be worth the wait and so should you. :)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:00pm

  43. 43: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy – My gentle words of thought are do not write this. Men are not just hairy women. A woman would love to receive a letter like this maybe…..but it doesnt mean the same thing to a man because they are totally different Actions speak louder than words. If you want to stop overfunctioning then do that. It will mean more to him, and trust me he will notice. :)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:02pm

  44. 44: AmazedNo Gravatar says:

    It also matters how he makes you feel…the guy that I broke up with tonight (for the second and last time) made me feel bad for not “wanting” to spend time with him?? I have kids that I have every second week, live with my parents right now, work full time and need time to myself. Yet I’m made to feel bad for not wanting to sacrifice something to be with him?? So tired of demanding people..:(

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:15pm

  45. 45: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    I love the idea of writing the letter and releasing it to the universe by burning it. I am totally going to do it!
    PS. I put my profile on match.com
    feeling terrified

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:17pm

  46. 46: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the check-box image on this. Lol

    Had a bunch of stuff I was going to write, and now I forget it all. Lalalala. I’m feeling good. It was a good day today. I like going to work. I like the way the sun shines on the snow, even though it’s cold. I like the sound and feeling of snow crunching under boots. All these things I haven’t experienced in several years. The cold is tough for me, but exhilarating in other ways. Sometimes I just feel myself inside my coat as like this warm bubble walking around. That is much more comforting than focusing on how cold it is all around me. But sometimes I just feel the cold, and feel how big and large it is, and I am just a small part of this big picture. It is not there just to make me feel cold, everyone feels the same temperature. This is why I think winter brings people closer together. We have the same experience and we warm up together.

    I am feeling better by the minute about Lakeman. I’m feeling better about everything, because even if it takes me many years, I am making the small but difficult choices right now that I need to make in order to make things more fun and enjoyable for me. And then, when that happens, all relationships will be available to me. I’ve decided the only person rushing me is me. And I don’t need to rush. Nothing that is rushed ever comes out great – not dieting, not exercise, not surgery, not term papers – everything is better, more organic, when it happens little by little. I am organic and natural, and that is how it can work for me. My little flower bud wants to poke out of the ground. It takes a little effort to get there, but once I am out, I can see the sun!!!

    Good night, Siren ladies :-)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:24pm

  47. 47: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique – That’s a good point about making an assumption. I don’t think about it that way. And I’m not in the situation, so I don’t honestly know what I would say or write. If she didn’t want to assume, she could just ask. My point was just to have the conversation – really, to NOT make assumptions. That was my whole point overall, because if she just assumes that it is only an either/or, then she could end up giving him an “ultimatum,” and we all know how well that works.

    Iris – I get it now that you mention you have history where you used to drive to him and plan dates. But that actually doesn’t mean that you need to do it now. You can just tell him that you are trying something new. And I would be tempted to drive to him as well. But maybe more like, you would rather if he asks you out for now. And when you [are exclusive/feel comfortable/have whatever level of commitment or comfort you want] you will be the one to plan the date and drive to him. (Also, him asking you to do it kind of takes the spontaneity out of it. If he wants you to do it, wouldn’t he rather if you did it one day, of your own accord?)

    I mean, honestly, do whatever feels right to you. But my gut feeling is making me sense that if you jump too soon to do what he asks, then you will end up feeling resentment, rather than happiness with him and the relationship, and in the end, that will not feel good. So if it feels good right now to let him ask you out, you can do that right now. And if he doesn’t want to, that’s okay. That’s up to him : )

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:32pm

  48. 48: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I remembered what I wanted to write, so I guess just one more post… And I think this was inspired by Iris’s story right now. Which is the whole jumping through hoops idea.

    I of course HATE the feeling of being asked to jump through a “hoop” for a guy. When I sense this, I get really turned off. But I was just thinking about my own dating life, and I’ve realized that I’ve been the one to ask guys to jump through hoops for me, at various times. And, much like the guys, it probably had to do with uncertainty on my part. Or no, it definitely did. If I was feeling ambivalent – like I liked a guy in one way, but not sure about other things, I might reason that if he just does x, I’ll feel better. Then, of course, if he did x, I would not feel better. Either x would turn out to be unsatisfactory, even if he did it perfectly, or he would try and fail to live up to my standards of whatever specific thing I was expecting in my mind.

    So there I am. Guilty as charged.

    But it’s good. I’m glad I have this awareness now. Because I can clearly see how, even when a guy did EXACTLY what I wanted, it didn’t change my feelings for him. In fact, it might have made me respect and like him less. And it also didn’t engender a lot of appreciation for me, on his part. So yeah. I don’t recommend it. Maybe some women can order guys around and that feels good to both of them. And I do have my “bossy” moments ; ) But that is different from jumping through hoops. Making him do something doesn’t feel authentic. So it’s good that I can see it, because now I can do something differently.

    Yay!

    And now I am going to go write a private letter that I won’t send. Or maybe I won’t even write it. We’ll see. I write letters in my head all the time…xox

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:39pm

  49. 49: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Correction: it wasn’t Iris with the “jumping through hoops” idea. It was Corin, from the last thread…

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:44pm

  50. 50: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    What to do next…I feel shaky saying this stuff, shy, so bear with me.

    I’m trying to feel my openness with what J and I talked about, what we like, what gets our passion for each other going.

    I heard Rori talking about this on Love Scripts. She mentioned, what’s a fair deal, agreement, or negotiation? And explained a threesome every once in awhile could be a good deal if it’s worth it to you what you get in return, like commitment, she said.

    I have decided I was willing to trade a threesome every once in awhile for regular one-on-one sex with him, and being open about it to him. He asked because I said it to him; I agreed, this works for me, because I am bisexual, and have told him about how I want to still be with women, and how I still am very involved with that part of myself. He definitely sees it as a bridge of sorts between us sexually, something he wants to feel that he’s definitely a part of in my life, and I feel very open and willing but cautious.
    I know when I feel angry, he shuts down sexually. Sharing this part of myself with him almost always guarantees me the best sex of my life.
    I want to make sure I talk this stuff out here on the blog, as it sounds like a very alternative lifestyle situation, and I am so not one for labels and/or pressures of any kind, and sometimes certain situations can be misunderstood and anything he might do or not do could easily result in me feeling just about any feeling. I have had situations where it worked perfectly, couldn’t have gone better, and I have had situations where it totally sucked afterwards, but usually if I am the “Queen of the Bedroom”, I remain happy, giving and open. J knows this. Just want the yummyness, being in touch with women in yet another way, exploring my passion for it, and being able to share it with J.

    Hope this isn’t TMI, ladies. I know a lot of women who have tried it and either loved it or did not. Just want to riff about it here yet again, as it is a subject that is brought up regularly for me, by me…

    Well anyway, I feel *awesomely hot* because I just got pictures back from a shoot I just did and the weight has come off nicely…that and J made me feel like a Queen again yesterday…I about snuggled him in bed all day for it and he was gladly having it….

    :)

    PS -My Sireny two cents…if you’re not into something that makes you feel awesomely hot yet, or don’t feel like doing pole-dancing yet, try a photo shoot on for size…

    You can get them by looking on Model Mayhem, or Craigslist, and looking for a “TF” shoot with a photographer (TF meaning trade for images – you get the picture in return for your time given to shooting…meaning a free pro-quality shoot.) Do it just for you…you’ll feel amazing…and trust me, I may be a model, but it’s because I owned it and worked it, not because I look perfect by any means – I’ve been a plus size model for four years! – almost anyone can look and feel pretty in front of a camera! Rori had an article about how modeling is a very feminine practice, and watching America’s Next Top Model can be referenced for examples, look that blog up and you’ll get what I mean…
    I really suggest you ladies try it sometime and tell me how it felt/feels! :) Dominique already has wonderful shots I must say :)

    Love!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:45pm

  51. 51: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    I did go back to bed at 4 in the afternoon and pull the covers over my head. Riding out this day that feels so heavy, like a sack of bricks.

    Finally, wanting company and to laughing, I bought Nick Hornsby’s book “High Fidelity ” on my Kindle and have been rereading it.

    I remember my boyfriend from 25 years ago saying that reading that book felt like reading his own journal.

    I’m mentioning it because, if you haven’t read it, it’s about a breakup from a guys perspective, and it feels helpful in showing how they think and feel. It’s also just a darn good book.

    I’m still not getting out of bed. I’m having a much better time lying here moping though.

    And Amber- Match.com! And so the adventure unfolds! :)

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:46pm

  52. 52: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy,
    I’m not following clearly. Trading a threesome for one on one sex? Do you mean you have one on one sex in a committed relationship, and sometimes bring in a third partner, but the commitment is hinged to the agreement of the third partner?

    That feels uncomfortable to me. I hope I’m misunderstanding you.

    Please explain. And I for one don’t feel uncomfortable with the conversation- just with the idea that your sense of security and commitment with him comes with a condition, if that is what you meant.

    Perhaps I’m misunderstanding.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 7:58pm

  53. 53: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I wondered about for the millionth time today if I will ever heal from what happened with D, if I will ever forget. I want to, so badly.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 8:51pm

  54. 54: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake-50
    I’m waiting for firm dates/times from two potential suitors. AHHHHHH!
    I saw the movie ‘High Fidelity’ because I LOVE John Cusak, but didn’t know there was a book. Thanks for the recommendation!

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 8:54pm

  55. 55: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I know I need to give it a solid year – maybe even two or more. Of no contact, minimal thinking about him, moving on. I feel like I have been doing the moving on part. I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to hurt any more.

    I want to let time wash away the memories and the hurt and heal the wounds.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 8:56pm

  56. 56: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    I got a phone call tonight while I was moping from a friend who used to be an imaginary relationship.

    Does it still count as an imaginary relationship if you see the person as a real friend?

    Anyway, it felt good to see his name flash up on my phone, and to hear him say he was on my mountain today, near my house (in the state I love and am not presently living in), and that he was thinking about me.

    It was just a quick chat, checking up on me in this new city. Just to say hi.

    And I want to ask Rori and Dominique – is it taking crumbs, still, to be friends with a man you wanted more from, if your paradigm of expectations for him has changed? Does it somehow lower the bar, pollute our vibe with a lower standard?

    I’m friends with so many of my exes, and some of their wives. (Who, I hasten to add, they married AFTER we broke up!) Is that a good thing or a symptom of some sinister willingness to compromise?

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 9:08pm

  57. 57: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    Oooohh… I feel so triggered right now by what Iris is going through with her “J”.

    I was in an on again, off again relationship that followed the same patterns. When he was happy in the relationship.. I was calling him, driving to his house, emailing him, texting him every day… making sure that he understood how very interested I really was in him. And he very much appreciated me.

    Even after I went out of my way to offer him a massage one night, and lug my massage table over to his house an hour earlier than planned, and found him having wine and dinner with a different woman, whom I assume he was going to shoo out of his house before I was to arrive… I still tried to “date” him his way.

    Because it was what HE wanted.

    Then I found Rori and everything changed. With him, I was insecure, unhappy, jumpy, on edge. He said he loved me but I never really knew for sure because he made very little effort to show me.

    This last round, a few months ago, we agreed to try again with our relationship. He convinced me that he loved me. I felt wonderful. But I didn’t text him anymore. I didn’t call him anymore. I told him I felt uncomfortable going over to his house. I told him I felt uncomfortable driving on our dates.

    He was angry. I had changed. He told me that he FELT insecure and he wanted to know for sure that I wanted him.

    We couldn’t make it work. While it was great FOR HIM to have the relationship the way HE WANTED. It did not feel good to me. Yes, I had a man. But I did not have a relationship that made me feel … happy.

    I realized finally that I had to sacrifice the relationship with the man in order to have a relationship with me. I also realized that this was a really good chance for him to learn that if he DID make the effort; if he DID allow himself to trust that I loved him and was interested in him even though I wanted to be the female… that he would be able to have the deepest most satisfying NEW type of relationship with a new, stronger, more complete, more vital ME than he’d ever known before.
    But if he didn’t want to make an effort then he would lose me of course, and he would find someone else who would offer him the same kind of relationship that he was used to. No challenge for him. No growth for him. No authentic bonding with me. etc…

    The next time this type of thing came up, I was asked out on a coffee date by a man who I was very much interested in. We had a great time. He insisted on buying my coffee. We talked for hours. He was engaging and handsome and I felt really feminine in his presence.
    But in the end he said, “Well, do you want to hang out again sometime?”
    I said, “I feel the most comfortable when I have clarity. Are you asking me out on an actual date when you say, Hang out?”

    He said, “Well, actually, I’m going through some things in my life right now and I can’t promise any kind of date life. But I’d love it if we can get together as friends and have a beer somewhere, or play some cards…”

    I said, “Oh, that feels great to me that you are comfortable with me in that way. But I am only interested in dating men. I have friends that I hang out with already. When you are ready to start dating again, and you want to ask me out on a real date, you have my phone number. You may give me a call.”

    And that was that. He has messaged me a couple of times on facebook. But he has not called me. And I’m not going down that road again.

    I do believe that he really is going through some things. And I bet that when he’s ready, he will call. But until then, I’m very cool to “Hang Out” with myself. And date other men…. men who are ready.

    Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 11:09pm

  58. 58: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake –

    I’m comfy with a threesome; more so, I really want one, just as much as J does. I told him I needed to have a regular amount of one-on-one sex with him to be able to have a threesome with him sometimes, but the commitment is NOT hinged to the agreement of the third partner. He just doesn’t want to feel left out of that part of my life, and my personality/lifestyle.

    We just both feel we are ready and excited to explore it together.

    I think you might have misunderstood but that’s okay sometimes I’m not perfect at writing what I mean to say ;)

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 1:10am

  59. 59: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy-

    A threesome is something I used to talk about with my ex a lot and is something that I really wanted but I was worried that it would negatively impact in our relationship and so never did it. I think really he was more jealous and unforgiving than me and I worried that I would do something that he would later throw back at me. I imagine that for me to feel safe having a threesome I would need to know that we could process the experience together afterwards with in,y learning and no blame. I’m still open to the idea in a future relationship but would need to feel that level of safety I’m seeking I order to do it

    Have you got any advice on how to manage discussions afterward in a helpful way that does not trigger jealousy from the man?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 4:50am

  60. 60: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – 47 – yes I understood what you meant, and on reading back what I wrote, it sounds a bit attacky, so I apologize if you felt this way at all.

    I love reading you posts, having the opportunity to observe you inner workings and processing. It’s beautiful. Love to you. xxoo

    And this is for everyone – as much as actions speak louder than words, words can carry powerful energy. I’ve learned for myself, to choose my words more carefully, eg. tossing off expressions which have little meaning or could be misinterpreted and thus cause possible hurt or saying I know when I don’t really though I could offer understanding or empathy instead.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 6:30am

  61. 61: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy – 50 – If it feels good to YOU, then yes explore this with him.

    As for photo shoots, I’m so with you on this one. I suggest this in my book though I would go further and recommend boudoir shots or even partial to full nude ones done with a friend or woman photographer with whom you feel comfortable. I did four separate shoots a few years ago, and it felt scary at first yet wonderfully liberating. Each and every woman is beautiful and unique in her beauty. Seeing yourself in pictures like this can really help you own this for yourself.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 6:40am

  62. 62: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 53 – You already know the answer to your own question, so I don’t need to. I will offer you this instead – Please be patient with yourself; feel whatever it is you feel, fully, every shape, every nook and cranny, every edge and facet, every color and hue. And keep doing as you have been, taking extra special gentle care of YOU.

    Love to you.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 6:47am

  63. 63: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    cupcake – 56- If you can handle being friends with a man with whom you wanted more, then please do so. I don’t think the question of crumbs applies here. It’s about looking at how YOU feel. If you feel pining, longing, a continuing wish for more, then this being his friend is not serving YOU. It would be hurting you keeping you stuck. If you feel content, good, able to move on to seeing other men as well as open to something more with them all the while being his friend, then fabulous.

    xxoo

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 6:53am

  64. 64: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for helping me! I will NOT write the letter! He told me that another woman that he broke it off with several times wrote him a letter that compelled him to give her another chance. So I thought perhaps that is how he likes to communicate. But in almost same breath he tells me that it turns out he is not that attracted to her after all. Perhaps he likes the idea of having a woman chase him alittle. He does like pointing out what a great catch he is (red flag!).

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:12am

  65. 65: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy I don’t see that as a red flag. I see it as a lesson for you to look at how you see yourself. Do you see yourself as a great catch?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:21am

  66. 66: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for helping me! I will NOT write the letter! He told me that another woman that he broke it off with several times wrote him a letter that compelled him to give her another chance. So I thought perhaps that is how he likes to communicate. But in almost same breath he tells me that it turns out he is not that attracted to her after all. Perhaps he likes the idea of having a woman chase him alittle. He does like pointing out what a great catch he is (red flag!).

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:27am

  67. 67: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #66 the rest of my comment did not post- I am learning that it is not about him anyway- at this point it is about what makes me feel good. So thanks for steering me in the right direction! From this new perspective I can see that sending that letter would of felt icky to me. I would of been in a mode of expectation and worry more than likely- who needs that?! I seriously do desire to be surprised by what or who pops up in my life!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:48am

  68. 68: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #65 Feminewoman- I would say that it is okay that he points out he is a great catch- and he is! It is just the way he said it-many, many times – felt like bragging or nervousness to me. He was quick to point out that I am not the model type woman he is accustomed to and that he is used to those ladies throwing themselves at him. At the time I did not necessarily feel triggered by what he was saying because it was obvious to me that I very much turned him on anyway- that he was into me. But, now that he has run from me many times I have insecurities crop up. I wonder things like does he think he is better than me or that I am subpar? Hmmm

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:59am

  69. 69: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Feminewoman- yes, I do feel like I am a great catch! Most days anyway! But sometimes I feel incomplete and feel that I may not be the best me to present to a relationship- yet, I know we are ALL works in progress! I am so hard on myself! This particular man is too- perhaps it was out of insecurity that he kept pointing how great everyone thinks he is. I grew up in a family that said you should never brag on yourself or it may very well be taken away from you because you are not being humble. Any thoughts on this?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:06am

  70. 70: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy I know what you mean about the bragging yet I encourage you to find another word to replace bragging. People will not treat you better than you treat yourself so if you don’t appreciate your good qualities you can’t expect others to. Speaking about them and your strengths really is not bragging it is acknowledging yourself and what you know to be true about you. It is one of the things I like about men. They tend to be more vocal about their goodness than we women are.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:39am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder if those stories about other women are lies to create jealousy or maybe just him unconsciously testing you.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:42am

  72. 72: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Dominique.

    I had a horrid day today. Crying on and off, trying to work a little, not really succeeding, trying to be alone in the middle of a very busy day. Talking to several understanding girlfriends, contacting him, being snapped at and harshly spoken to.

    I don’t understand the depths of this. I know how I must sound and I know how it must seem, but it won’t let go of me. It’s too deep. I don’t understand how such great love, peace and contentment can exist side by side with such enormous anger and triggering – here I’m talking about his anger and triggering, though I do get triggered too. He’s SO angry with me, and it’s just not rational at all. The best way I can describe it is that when I interact with him it’s like rivers of ooze come out, this primal, wounded yucky stuff that he seems to have little to no control over.

    It makes me sad. I’m a gentle person and I wish him so well. I cannot make sense of what is going on with him at all. I want to believe a healing is taking place, but it’s like witnessing a Beelzebub, and I feel like this gentle angel of light flitting around, so concerned about him, trying to send gentleness and love, and getting so hurt in the process.

    I know I need to move away and I can’t. I’m too hurt by the silence.

    I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

    Lots of love to you.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:14am

  73. 73: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea,

    I loved your post #57. I found it very inspiring.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:16am

  74. 74: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #72 Indigo- I used to describe my ex like that- it was like the devil himself ranting and raving at me.
    May I give my 2 cents worth?
    It seems to me that you have communicated with him that you are supportive and caring of him- surely he has noticed this. Perhaps you should step back and give him his space in order for him to calm down. From my experience we can add fuel to the fire just by trying to help him fix his problem. I am sure you are probably being very loving and understanding but it makes me sad that you are getting hurt in the process.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:31am

  75. 75: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – it is what it is. You feel what you feel. And there is nothing at all wrong with this. This is how you are needing to process as awful as it might feel, and because it is YOUR way, it’s beautiful, for YOU are beautiful.

    As we talked about the other day, you are grieving much like you would grieve someone who passed. And not only are you mourning the loss of this relationship, this man in your life, you are also grieving the loss of some of your hopes and dreams. This can feel very deeply painful.

    Love to you.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:35am

  76. 76: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #70 Feminewoman. Thank you! I agree that it is okay to point out your own good qualities! I just hold the belief that it is best for those qualities to be lived out loud so others take notice of them. I would much prefer someone discover my goodness than I list them. And I would much prefer someone else voice their appreciation of me than I point them out. It just feels more organic to me.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:40am

  77. 77: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I understand Tammy. That is what I was taught and learned. Don’t blow your own trumpet. Self praise is no recommendation. I am still working on changing those beliefs and I have embraced that words have power. So I am stepping towards being comfortable using my own words to paint a picture of myself. Sometimes people are too caught up in their own world to notice my qualities. Also sometimes I have come to realize that they misinterpret. As Rori says create your own brand of you. Write it down and talk about it.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:49am

  78. 78: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #72

    Someone wise once pointed out to me that anger is always about inconvenience. The more inconvenienced someone feels, the angrier they feel.

    When I put someone else’s needs before my own, which I often do, I regret to say, I sidestep my anger. So sometimes I feel really surprised by other peoples angry feelings, whether or not they are directed at me, because I forget about anger being an honest response.

    My point is that, reading you post, I felt sad for your frustration.

    Maybe, though, he is angry because your kindness and concern make him feel bad for being angry. If he wants to move on and feels bad for disappointing you, he will feel angry because his bad feeling is inconvenient for him. He will want to blame you for it.

    And the nicer you are, the more love he feels coming from you, the worse it will feel.

    If you look at it that way, does it make more sense?

    I want to hug you. I understand how brutal your disappointment must feel.

    Cupcake

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:15am

  79. 79: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Cupcake,

    I do think it’s what you describe. Him feeling inconvenienced because my love and friendship don’t suit him. But it’s more than that. Being with me, D’s issues came flying out like Pandora’s Box. It was quite scary to witness actually.

    Things he has managed, albeit imperfectly, to keep so carefully under wraps and under control just came rushing forth. It was like the dam wall had broken. He feels great anger for me for the vulnerability and intimacy he experienced, for the loss of control. There were moments of such incredible beauty and intimacy between us, and they were always followed by him shutting down in a very forceful way.

    I have noticed how he has shut down more brutally since breaking up with me. He has not had a relationship and from the way he talks, does not plan on doing so or on opening his heart to anyone.

    Thank you for the virtual hugs. I need them xx

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:25am

  80. 80: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Sending more of those needed virtual hugs to you Indigo. I can feel the depth of your pain in your words. I wish I knew the ‘answer’. I like what both Dominique and Cupcake have said. They both make sense…but my concern is mostly around how deeply hurt you are ‘by the silence’ as you said. Because somehow I feel that silence and empty space is the only path to healing… but you are so very resistant to it.

    So in reality, I have nothing of value to add but wanted to send hugs anyway. xoxo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:53am

  81. 81: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #77 hmmm Femininewoman very interesting points! Thank you for caring enough for pointing them out!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:02am

  82. 82: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I know, CurvySiren. It makes all the sense in the world that silence and space is what I need, and yet.I.can’t. It’s as though I hear him in every moment and I feel the loss all the time.

    I know it makes all the sense in the world to someone who’s not in it, and yet it makes no sense to me at all how he could have allowed these things to tear us apart. His anger and shutting me out make absolutely not one bit of sense to me.

    I want to pretend to all of you that it’s really ok and that I can somehow be at peace with it and not be torn apart by it. That this doesn’t affect me at the very core of my being. But I can’t.

    Thank you for the hugs, I appreciate them, I really do. xxx

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:11am

  83. 83: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhh Indigo I identify from a place of feeling my own grief

    My father was such a wounded little boy and he barked at all of us keeping us away so we rarely got to enjoy his love for us or him as a person and we all got so wounded in the process

    I understand him these days because I am the same – so easily triggered by fear and perceived criticism and perceived rejection and feelings of shame

    He has done a lot of healing and seems happy now and is openly loving – I feel so happy for him that he’s been able to do this and come to this place in his life – he could have easily lost out on the love of all of us and never known what that felt like

    I am feeling deeply sorrowful that this situation with B has triggered all of this grief in me and we have hurt each other very badly…already..in a short space of time – with him I was experiencing the neglectful, withdrawn, critical, shut down behaviour of my father – I was seeing it in everything – but I could also see how ‘like a little unloved boy’ he was when he knew that he’d made me happy or in moments of closeness he was so bashfully overjoyed – it feels so very sad – we are both very emotionally immature and I have been pretty bad at communicating and giving him the space that he needs when i am craving connection, affection and attention

    We are really in the depths of painful stuff and we’re sailing around solo not as a team – he read something i’d written about him which was written in anger and frustration and now he won’t talk to me at all – I don’t blame him it was horrible but part of me feels the kind of relief you feel when something’s finally out in the open or finally over … I feel resigned to whatever will be

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:14am

  84. 84: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    #78 Indigo

    It all sounds very intense.

    In my younger days, that would have felt “interesting” and “cathartic.”

    I’m glad I’m not young any more. I like watching Chekov, but would never want to live in his world. (Plays about Very Intense Characters, for the non-theatre folk.)

    I feel your heartache, though. Sucks. :(

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:21am

  85. 85: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea-57
    This post is why we need a ‘like’ button!!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:22am

  86. 86: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Sophie))))

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:30am

  87. 87: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks cupcake.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:30am

  88. 88: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Many hugs Indigo!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:54am

  89. 89: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Dminique – 61 –

    Thanks, I do feel pretty good and excited about exploring that with J! (Poor guy’s sick today, so I’m trying not to mother him, but help if he needs it, it’s a bit confusing, lol…I got him some ginger ale…)

    Also, I didn’t know you also recommended photo shooting. Boudoir is great, implied/partial nudes are very alluring and even pinup can be wonderfully sexy!

    If any ladies want to be put into touch with a photographer in their area who is quality yet will shoot you for free and give you the photos, in whatever style you would like, let me know, I can find one for ya very easily! :)

    LOVE and HUGS to the Sirens! :)

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:08pm

  90. 90: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #89 Mandy – yes I am interested in pics

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:12pm

  91. 91: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Corin – 59 –

    Have you got any advice on how to manage discussions afterward in a helpful way that does not trigger jealousy from the man?

    Well I realize this is a possibility, and J has told me as long as he’s equally involved, he’s a happy camper, just like me. SO I do feel we’re on the same page; he even reassured me that this is for us, not for him, and that I’m his beloved, his number one, his woman. :)

    But as far as advice…I might say “I had so much fun with you both”, for example, rather than going on about the other lady and not including him. J told me he got upset when his ex was spending too much time with the other woman they had threesomes with, excluding him a lot.

    So, I’d just always make him feel included, with actions and conversation. :)

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:15pm

  92. 92: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “The Universe will only treat me as well as I treat myself.”

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:18pm

  93. 93: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy-88
    yes, yes, yes!
    Phoenix, AZ, USA

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:41pm

  94. 94: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy- I am in Nashville TN. Thanks!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 12:45pm

  95. 95: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    I took my profile off Okcupid. The men who were contacting me on it made me feel so sad. And looking at the site, which is where I met Lord Voldemort he who must not be named), just made me feel even sadder.

    And there is a mouse in my kitchen. I can hear him. Fantastic.

    Anyway…I met another cool guy on OKC last year. He was really funny and we hit it off. Wrote back and forth several times a day for a while, just for amusement, because he too was in Lord Voldemorts country, and at first it was just for fun, but then we started getting interested in each other.

    He was a really fascinating man, very successful, had been in a modestly popular boy band in the 80s, and had really funny stories.

    Anyway, he called me one day before he was leaving on vacation and said he’d call when he got there.

    I never heard from him again. So a couple months go by with me being very good, following no contact, and then one day I thought, Sod it! I want to know what the disconnect was. Did he meet someone on the plane? Was it something I said in that phone call? WTF???

    So I emailed him arather charming letter saying I felt like I had been chatting with a guy at the pub, and he asked me if I wanted a drink, and then went to the bar and never came back with the drink. And the suspense was killing me. What happened?

    No response.

    Another month passed, and I finally clicked his Okcupid profile to see if he was still active, and he hadn’t logged on since he went on that vacation several months before.

    So I googled his name.

    Up pops his obituary. Lots of them. Because of his being in that boy band, thee was a fair bit of coverage.

    He went on the vacation and was in an accident and died.

    So that was why he hadn’t contacted me.

    My best friend said, “So, it’s horrible, of course, and very sad. But at least he had a good reason for not calling.”

    Was just thinking about that and wanted to tell you.

    And, of course, his profile is still on Okcupid and always will be. I thought about writing to them to take it down, but sometimes I look at his picture and think about how funny he was. RIP dead boy band guy!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:11pm

  96. 96: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Brace yourselves, Sirens, I wrote the letter. I used the left side/right side of the paper that Rori outlines in her July 4, 2008 blog so here it is. the left side is my original thought, the right side is how I rewrote it using ‘I want” and ‘feeling messages’ in (parenthesis)
    I’m scared to let go with you, afraid I’ll get hurt (I feel afraid to be vulnerable)
    I’m so angry with you for abandoning me after I fell in love with you (I feel abandoned and that makes me angry and afraid. Feeling angry and afraid makes me feel disconnected)
    I hate you for moving on so easily (I feel resentful that I cannot move on easily)
    I want a relationship with you (I feel so good when we’re together. I want to feel good all of the time)
    I want to feel secure and loved (I want to feel secure and loved, what do you think?)
    You make me feel needy when you don’t contact me or draw away (I feel desperate and needy when I don’t receive the attention I crave. I’m sorry)
    I feel good in your presence (I feel beautiful when we’re together, and I love feeling beautiful)
    Why won’t you give me another chance (I want a chance to love unconditionally, what do you think?)
    We have an amazing physical relationship. Why can’t our emotional connection be amazing, too? (I want an emotional connection that reflects the deep physical attraction that I feel. What do you think?)
    I’m sorry that i pushed you away (I feel scared sometimes, I’m sorry)
    I am my own person and I don’t need you, but I want you (I feel happy and content alone, but intimacy makes me feel connected and beautiful)
    Being considered a mistake nearly shattered me (Feeling like our last time together was a mistake feels shattering)
    I hate myself for allowing you to hurt me (I feel like a failure, and feeling like a failure feels terrible)
    I believe that we can be blissfully happy together (I want to be blissfully happy, what do you think?)
    Please give me another chance (It would feel good to have another chance at a relationship)

    So there you have it. Just changing my judgmental words towards both (T) and myself feels cathartic. If anyone wants to weigh in on word changes or deeper feelings please feel free. I feel like this is a healthy step towards letting go and allowing love to come from everywhere, instead of focusing on what I’m not receiving.
    Cheers, Sirens!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:18pm

  97. 97: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Cupcake, that’s sad and interesting. Unfortunately, most guys who poof don’t have such a valid reason. lol I feel kind of bad giggling over this. It reminds me of the episode of Sex & the City when Miranda calls and yells at this guy’s mother for her son’s bad manners in standing her up for a date…and he was dead! Arghhh.

    Thanks for sharing. I admit I feel very curious about who this 80’s boy band guy was.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:27pm

  98. 98: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren,

    Even I don’t remember the name of the boy band. They were sort of musicians musicians with a small cult following in the UK. Had a splash of retro interest by hipsters in recent years but, seriously, I don’t remember the name of the band, and would feel weird disclosing it anyway.

    I wish I could say, and that Okcupid suitor was Andy Gibb! Or Keith Moon!

    Nope, though.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:47pm

  99. 99: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens, a question.

    I’ve been chatting to this guy on line and we seemed to be getting on really well. We start lining up a date and I realise that the successful career I thought he had from reading his profile is not correct and actually he works at a clothing store. This is a turn off for me as I am attracted to successful and ambitious men who inspire and encourage me in my career too. Anyway, I realise I think I’ve encountered him in that store when I was there with me ex and he was really staring at me so i felt uncomfortable. Add to that ice looked at his Twitter and all his follows are for tacky topless glamor model types.

    I now feel like I want to cut him loose because I have enough evidence he isn’t the man for me. But it was feeling really fun chatting to him. Would true CDing mean meeting him been though I know he’s not what I want and that he may feel a bit sleazy to be around? Or is taking care of myself to just cut contact? Feeling unsure! I know I may need to move out of my alpha male type to find the one, but really?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:52pm

  100. 100: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy,

    Thanks for the advice and it feels good to know people do this without dramas. I still think I would need to feel so safe and committed in the relationship first

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 2:54pm

  101. 101: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m just saying, on a separate note- that I feel stunned, really stunned, that Lord Voldemort (he who must not be named) hasn’t contacted me at all.

    I try to keep my thoughts pulled close to me, and then all the sudden, 100 times a day, I think, “Wait, what? Seriously? He isn’t missing me?”

    It does my head in. I know Rori is right and that men do exactly what they want to do, always. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d call me.

    It just feels all wrong that he doesn’t want to. He used to say that he had been starved for good conversation for years, and that talking to me felt like an outpouring. He crossed an ocean to spend time with me. Everything felt like the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

    Then….he changes his mind? He cares enough to text making sure I arrived in this new city ok, then radio silence?

    I know that he would be wanting to let me settle in without confusing me. But if he was missing me, missing our conversations, he would call anyway.

    Yes, I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him at all. This is just the time of day he used to call me and it feels particularly hard to not think about him at this hour.

    Okay. Well. I’ll go to the gym and stop at the coffee shop in my spandex to flirt with the cute barista.

    This too shall pass.

    I just feel stunned that he isn’t missing me and calling.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 3:05pm

  102. 102: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Corin,

    He’d be a practice date. Why not? Put your Siren on and spend an hour with the guy, practicing bring in the moment and speaking your truth in feeling messages. It’s so much easier with the ones we don’t want!

    I say go for it. As an experiment and see what triggers you.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 3:12pm

  103. 103: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Just for clarification, i’m not sending this letter. I’m going to burn it under the beautiful, healing light of tonight’s full moon and practice letting him go.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 4:53pm

  104. 104: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! Lately I’ve been taking the focus off relationships and men and concentrating on other aspects of my life, however with the Christmas break coming up and the fact that my boy will be with his dad for a fair chunk of it, I’m going take advantage of this free time to see if I can get out on a few dates and meet some men. Lets see what happens! :)

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 4:54pm

  105. 105: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Amber – I feel relieved to see you’re going to burn this letter in order to let him go. I felt a bit concerned. :)

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 5:47pm

  106. 106: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Sirens-

    I’m thinking about my favorite Rori tool– the “Elevator Down” tool, where you take all the thoughts running rampant in your head and say “One, two, three- elevator down!” sending the thoughts to your pelvis and clearing out your head.

    That’s a lifesaver, that one.

    What are some of your favorite of Rori’s tools?

    Cupcake

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:31pm

  107. 107: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Amber-

    Yay, you for the beautiful letter! I am glad you have the full moon to help you send it on its way!

    Did you get your dates set up yet? More suitors popping up on Match.com?

    A female standup comic saying once, “Remember girls– on Match.com you get dinner, but on Craigslist, you get laid!”

    (Note to self: check out Craigslist for possible suitors….) (Joke.)

    Cupcake

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:35pm

  108. 108: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake – I love that one, I do it in the form of a lead weight but same idea. I also love the Siren Statement “I am the oxygen you need to breathe”. Whenever I say that, I feel so secure and strong!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:36pm

  109. 109: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake – or on Tinder!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:36pm

  110. 110: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Iris I went out with a couple of guys who confronted me about not calling them and wanting to ask them out. I just said I was old fashioned and I prefer the man to lead the communication and I love being courted. I didn’t explain more than that because I don’t feel I should have to. One man loved it, the other one went along but was basically in very feminine energy and we just weren’t a match.

    I also love Andrea’s post.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:36pm

  111. 111: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I feel crazy, and I feel guilty that I feel crazy, the shame is coming on that I make too much out of small things. A gorgeously hot man I met at a party a year ago and lusted for, and saw again at a party last week had asked me out for tonight. I got a text, then a phone message explaining that last minute work had come up and he had to cancel. I felt so triggered I couldn’t call him back so I texted that I felt disappointed and I understood. But in the phone message he said to call him back and we’d plan when to see each other again.

    And I have such polar opposite feelings! On the one hand I don’t want to go out with men who cancel on a first date, NO MATTER WHAT! I feel unforgiving, or just protective of myself. And the other feeling is that I’m being way too harsh, and I adore the guy from when I met him, and that I’ve messed it up by just sending a short text and not calling back, or mentioning when to see each other again.

    Did I mess it up? Should I have done something differently?
    Or is it good I sent a short text, will it attract him more and he’ll contact me again?

    I hate feeling this crazy. Any comments from someone with experience with this is so welcome!

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 7:41pm

  112. 112: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Violette-

    I think the short text with a feeling message sounds great.

    He cancelled — it feels to me like the onus is upon him to fix the problem.

    If he wants you to call him, that feels like he may be used to women rowing the boat and chasing after him.

    Maybe tell him I feel happy at the idea of reschuling, and I don’t want to call st an inconvenient tome since your work feels so busy now. It would feel better if you call me to set a new plan in motion. What do you think?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:28pm

  113. 113: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Violette,

    I understand your frustration and reluctance. For me, I find a good way to approach this is to have an internal boundary, which maybe you could pre-determine. So for me, for this first time I’d want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if it happened a second time in the first two weeks that would probably be it. I think you did well with sending the text, if he wants to take you out he knows what to do.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:45pm

  114. 114: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I cancelled on someone the other night, very last minute. He was very cool and easy going about it. It made me feel more enthused about seeing him again since he handled it so gracefully. We saw each other last night and it was a fun date. The cancelled date never came up except to say that I had been sick. So, I agree with Indigo, give him another chance but if he does it again then that’s it.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:54pm

  115. 115: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I ended things with C on Monday night. He had said when he was over on Sunday night that he wanted to see me on Monday. That might have been a good time to say “Oh, I feel better having fixed plans,” but I decided to just go with the flow.

    Anyway, Monday afternoon came and I still hadn’t heard anything, so for the sake of clarity, I sent him a text enquiring. He said he was still out fishing on the dam, and would I be upset if he saw me the next day rather. At the time, I felt easy breezy about it, because I had plans to go see a movie with friends that evening, so I said that was fine. As I was thinking about it much later that night, I realized it was the third time C had done that to me. Seen me on a particular evening and said as he was leaving that he wanted to see me the next day, and when the time came he was busy with something else. So I caught myself and said whoah, where are my boundaries? Anyway, I texted him that I felt like a bit of a low priority and it didn’t feel good, so I didn’t think it was going to work.

    He replied that he was sorry I felt that way… but he didn’t offer to make it better. He stated that if I wanted more plans that it could also come from my side, which also seems to suggest he is used to more rowing from the woman. I realized that it would not feel good at all to initiate plans with someone who had already flaked out on their stated intentions to see me a few times.

    Ah well. I’m sad about this one, but I feel peace about it.

    Am praying for clarity and peace with regards to D today. Or anything that feels better than yesterday.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 8:56pm

  116. 116: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Indigo I’m sorry your sad and happy that you found your clarity!

    “S” pulled the same thing on me about initiating things… and said he felt under valued b/c I didn’t make dates with him and plan things, I realized that he hadn’t really planned much as far as dates… maybe 3 and mostly it was winged … and I have told him he is amazing, handsome, I thank him for what he does, so it occurred to me that he was projecting on to me… b/c I’ve shown him I value him.

    I don’t want to row the boat b/c it doesn’t turn me on… men that row and plan dates is a turn on for me… it’s foreplay… I feel he is lazy. He said it himself…

    I’m sad and can’t sleep, but I don’t think it is him… I miss “M”…I don’t know why I still miss him, but I do… to be totally honest… I miss him..it’s been 5 mos…

    I wish I didn’t miss him…. and I wish I knew why the H&^%l I can’t seem to find someone that is good enough to be in a lasting relationship with…

    “S” is acting weird and I was so ready to end it the past 2 days… and he called to see me tonight and I was going to talk to him, see how that felt… and then tell him how I felt, but he cancelled on me… and the biggy here is he was suppose to go with me for my MRI tomorrow morning – his suggestion not mine- and he forgot it… I wasn’t surprised…

    I texted him to say I felt weird and confused… things feel like they have changed… he said he feels the same…

    I’m wanting to go speed dating tomorrow night but feel weird since he isn’t talking to me on the phone or in person… said he wants to soon… but who knows when that will be…

    I got something from Charles Orlando tonight that hit home… that intimacy intensifies with commitment with the right man, and if it doesn’t… it isn’t… something to that sort…

    I’d rather spend the holiday’s alone than with a man that is aloof! and just doesn’t have a response to much of anything I say… that feels bad…

    I’m tired of my “perfect” body and my hot looks ( his words not mine) being in the way… that is all “S” harped on…most of the time.. geez!

    I just want to give up!!!! on finding a man… and just resign myself to being on my own…

    I need to vent here:

    If I’m such a “perfect woman” for these men, and such a ” jewel” they all say… than why the F*&^k do they not knock down doors to keep me… ???

    “M” said that too! he also said it would take something HUGE to get him to ever leave me… and he said he wasn’t going anywhere… humm that didn’t last long… I’m pissed…

    I just needed to vent

    OXOXOX

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:16pm

  117. 117: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Here is the quote:

    The Right Person never stops showing you they love you… especially once they have you!. Effort, desire, and happiness don’t diminish with commitment… they intensify.

    I just haven’t found the right person yet….

    OXOXXO

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:19pm

  118. 118: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa #116

    What you were saying about the guy who says he wants to see you the next day and then doesn’t make a plan….

    I have a guy friend who always ends a face to face conversation by saying “I’ll call you tomorrow.” In 12 years of friendship, he has never once called me the next day.

    I realized a while back that for him, “I’ll call you tomorrow” means something like “I love you” or “God bless you” or something– NOT that he will ever, actually pick up the phone and dial my number.

    Granted, he’s a friend, not someone I’m dating. It just occurred to me that maybe this guy means something like, “I still like you and am looking forward to seeing you again”- not, actually that he really does plan to see you the next day. I am all for clarity in a conversation, of course– but if that’s what it is, just words that mean something other than what they sound like, and you figure out what it means- maybe it’s salvageable.

    I don’t know. It sounds like he likes you.

    Forgetting your MRI is kinda stinky, though. Are you okay going on your own?

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:37pm

  119. 119: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, whoops-
    I get that last message was partly to Indigo and partly to Lisa.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 9:39pm

  120. 120: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Indigo)))))

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:03pm

  121. 121: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – I hope everything goes well with your MRI. Hugs to you.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:07pm

  122. 122: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – You were talking about the silence being unbearable. I don’t know if I’m having the same experience as you are. For me, it feels like I’m starving, as though my body is so hungry for that interaction that it will start eating itself, and I have this howling/whimpering pain of ‘how could this connection be given up so easily – it just can’t be love’. It’s awful to just have to stand back for my own mental health and watch this tiny love that’s trying to live, die. And I agree with Dominique, it does feel that my hopes and dreams are dying too. There were so many things I liked about his town independent of him, I felt excited about realising my sireny self in that town – I was imagining myself more about how I would be in that town than I was about seeing him etc. Now it’s just rejection town for me : (

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:34pm

  123. 123: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Violette I feel crazy all the time.

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 10:58pm

  124. 124: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Violette– I also think you did nothing wrong. It’s hard not to overthink your actions when you LIKE a guy. If he says to call him back, and you want him to call you, maybe say something…like…”I’d love to reschedule, give me a call when you’re free and we’ll chat.”
    You didn’t “ruin” anything. :)

    Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 11:04pm

  125. 125: IzzyNo Gravatar says:

    I would like to share this lecture that I found interesting by Brene Brown about the power of vulnerability. It is on you tube, RSA Replay -The Power of Vulnerability. It is very in connection with what Rori teaches and also explains the difference about shame and guilt, which are feelings that we try to protect ourselves against.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 3:19am

  126. 126: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    So everything with B is completely shattered and there’s nothing for me to do but withdraw my energy and get on with my life as though he isn”t here

    He was probably not a good man for me right from the beginning though I kept hoping he could be

    Now I’m left holding the pieces of my mistakes – he triggered me big time and I fear I made all the same mistakes I always do…will I be the same with every man do you think? Regardless of who they are or are there some that will be a good match for me? Will be ‘there’ through the difficult, painful stuff? I guess I just have to keep on trying…

    I wanted an experiment – I got one – I don’t know what I learnt!

    wow – it feels hard to keep coming to this place where the intimacy part just never happens and i’m doing the ‘getting over a break up’ part again – do I create this for myself? Is it self-fulfilling?

    B is playing the ‘its all my fault’ card…he rarely takes any responsibility

    I’m going to the pool and sauna to warm away a rubbish nights sleep – I’m trying to resign myself because I can’t do anything else – any attempt at communication with him is just putting myself on the firing line

    I have a job interview tomorrow so I’m going to have to paint on my best mask :) yes please universe! I’ve left myself very very low on resources … i feel myself going to beat myself up about that … how could i be so stupid blah blah but i’m catching myself – everything IS going to be okay

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 3:54am

  127. 127: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    125 – thank you Izzy I love Brene Brown

    Veronica – that’s how silence feels to me too and like all around my chest area is swollen and tender and sore – almost throbbing with the pain of it – and my whole body wants to kick out and make it stop

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 3:59am

  128. 128: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Blog – Has anyone read Calling in the One?
    Any feedback appreciated…

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:11am

  129. 129: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Heart,

    I’m working through Calling in the One at the moment. I bought it a few years ago and immediately met my ex after doing some vision boarding, mediation on opening my heart etc. However as I was really happy in that relationship I never went into it that fully.

    This time round I’m starting from the beginning again and focussing on working on it more deeply. A lot of the principles really speak to me. I love the idea of exploring your openness to love with yourself and everyone around you. I find that quite a lot of the work fits well with the principles here in terms of being open and not seeking one specific person too much but rather exploring your patterns of blocking love.

    I’m using it as a tool to look at my relationship to love more deeply. I contacted my Dad after not speaking to him for years and have had some really positive feedback and working through this book really feels like it’s supporting me to clear up a lot of old stuff about being unloveable.

    How are you finding it?

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:33am

  130. 130: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Corin – I haven’t bought it yet…I’m considering it…

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:45am

  131. 131: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Corin – btw thank for the feedback!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:46am

  132. 132: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Heart,

    I also have The Soulmate Secrete which is very similar. I looks at meditations and visualisations to open up more and explore how you relate to love in your relationships. It uses meditation, journaling etc.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:07am

  133. 133: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Secret not Secrete!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:07am

  134. 134: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Cupcake Thanks! I am ok going on my own, I’m used to it. Men do this, me forget things important like this.. well except “M” he didn’t though he showed up with bells on… took charge! That felt so masculine…

    @Sophie good luck with your interview!

    @Veronica Thanks<3 that feels good!

    I think "S" is more feminine than works for me. I never really felt much masculine energy. I couldn't put my finger on it…

    @Indigo <3 {{{{HUGS}}}

    OXOXO

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:08am

  135. 135: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Amber thank you for this!
    “I hate you for moving on so easily (I feel resentful that I cannot move on easily)”

    I felt a little letting go, a moment of relief reading that line, you articulated something I hadn’t been able to.

    Now I feel inspired to write my own letter to burn :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:30am

  136. 136: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lisa :) xx

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:33am

  137. 137: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – 117 – This is so true. I have said this many times. A great relationships doesn’t become boring or less passionate, the sex lackluster if it’s there at all. A great relationship keeps on growing and becoming more profound and intimate with time, the passion well intact. Things just keep getting better.

    I never thought it would happen for me either, yet it did. It will happen for you as well. Maybe not when you think you want it. Maybe at just the right time.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:37am

  138. 138: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Corin – I have the Soul-mate Secret …I did one or two activities but got a little …weirded out…at some parts…Just the thought of having a little altar freaks me out. It Sounds so Desperate….lol
    or like some kinda Love serial killer …Silence of the Soulmate…:D

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:37am

  139. 139: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy – #31: you asked “is it okay to write to a man and apologize for overfunctioning?”

    I’d say, first off, doing that would actually *be* a form or overfunctioning. We’d be leaning forward in order to do that. So it’s not really a question of “okay,” but more like, “does it solve the problem?” I’d say no to that, because it actually just keeps you in “over-function” mode.

    And two, if you ever said the word “overfunctioning,” I bet he would have no clue what you were talking about. Lol

    I’m not saying I would be tempted to do what you are asking about. Just that the best way to stop overfunctioning is actually just to stop doing it. Easier said than done. But that’s mainly because it really doesn’t involve doing anything :-)

    Helpful? Has someone else already chimed in with this same idea? Sorry if it’s redundant…. Xox

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:39am

  140. 140: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Sophie – 126 – Sweetheart, there are no mistakes, only learning and growing experiences. Please be kinder and more gentle with yourself. If you see a pattern, then you have something tangible to work/play with. Maybe open yourself to other possibilities, expand your pool to include those to whom you may not think you feel attraction. Openness. Curiosity.

    Love to you.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:42am

  141. 141: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Sophie~ I’m so sorry but I get this. The “firing squad” is no fun, and honestly …you simply can’t resolve anything when one party won’t take responsibility and is a perpetual state of ‘defense’ of themselves. (Egoity) This is why it feels so futile. Resolving your issues takes open minds, empathy and an acute state of curiosity about what is going on with the other person and (most importantly!) not seeing them as “the enemy”, but as a teammate, on the same side of the net.

    I really hope you feel better. This is tough, but it sounds as if you are becoming resigned to the fact that resolving your differences seems unlikely.

    hugs xoxo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:48am

  142. 142: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Indigo~~ interesting about C. I thought there was some real potential there. :( Wishing you lots of peace & clarity with regards to D. xo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:49am

  143. 143: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    “Silence of the Soulmate” ~~ lol Heart!! :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:58am

  144. 144: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy – you sound so awesome! And I feel vulnerable reading your post, only because some of what you wrote sounds so much like me. Only for the past several years (and still) I’ve been struggling with the devastating effects of a mother who really makes it a point not to let children, or anyone else for that matter, be themselves and express who they are. Growing up, any time I expressed myself, I was shamed or otherwise punished for it. Part of me, of course, got really expressive, after I left home, but only within certain limits. The mental “checks and balances” she set up in my mind by training and grooming me for years have served to really prevent me from being who I am and love and want to be:

    A model: I would love that! I am always trying things on and posing for the mirror. People compliment me all the time (that’s been hard to take in, too, since at some point I began to think I was ugly through and through). And I love having my picture taken. I’ve been thinking lately about being a “plus-size” model. I think it’s a lousy distinction, because to me it’s more like a “normal-sized” model. But I really have no interest in being rail-thin. I like my body when it’s curvy and sexy!

    Bi-sexual: I have known for a long, long time that this is me. And I often tell the men that I date, though not always. And I totally get what you are saying about the threesomes. I don’t see how it has to be a “trade” however. What about an “add-on”? ;)

    Where I struggle with this aspect of my sexuality is that I in no way consider myself to be anything other than monogamous. But of course, if I partner with just one person – either man or woman – then I won’t get to feel or express or experience the other half of my sexual nature.

    You sound like you have it worked out quite nicely. Knowing that you, and some other women I know, have found partners willing to work with them in this area gives me hope and confidence that I can find someone and be in a situation where this is true and good for me, too :-)

    Thank you for sharing, Mandy!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:59am

  145. 145: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I never get any feedback on here…hmm. Not even sure my posts are showing up. Very frustrating.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 6:16am

  146. 146: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    prplpsn28 Is that the way in your life you talk making broad generalisations? I have noticed Dominique make an effort to always respond to your posts.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:09am

  147. 147: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((Sophie)))))))))))))

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:13am

  148. 148: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique- have you ever shared your “story” on here? From reading some of your teachings I gather we may have some things in common. I am feeling very curious about what you have overcome, the finding of your “one”, and how your relationship is doing. I feel it would inspire me to read a good success story if you are willing to share it!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:19am

  149. 149: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – “He stated that if I wanted more plans that it could also come from my side, which also seems to suggest he is used to more rowing from the woman”.

    I don’t see it the same way as you. I wonder if there is a lesson here? Maybe he could be saying he finds himself guessing a bit about what you want? I am hearing Rori’s voice on Reconnect suggesting that we be clear on the terms of our exclusivity to the point of telling the man how much communication and time together we need if we are going to be in a relationship with them. It seems you are looking at this from date planning perspective however if you are taking responsibility for everything that you create in your life I wonder if there is a lesson here and a way to prepare for the next man adventure? I am not suggesting beating yourself up just looking for the take away from this lesson.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:23am

  150. 150: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo question.

    Do you use the I feel…….I don’t want……..what do you think? suggestions

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:27am

  151. 151: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy click on Dominique’s name. She has a website with a lot of juicyness.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:33am

  152. 152: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy – it puts the lotion on its skin because it wants to find loce :D

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:35am

  153. 153: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    love

    typo messed up my joke…lol

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:37am

  154. 154: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Feminewoman! Would love to hear any other success stories by using this way of life! I need inspiration and some good, true romance stories to stoke my fire!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:40am

  155. 155: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Violette he asked you out. Are you sure it was a date? What does “date” mean to you? Life happens so I dunno. He initiated the invite so he must be kinda interested. He specifically asked you to call which I don’t see anything wrong with. He text. Then he called. He didn’t have to. This looks like making an effort to me. He could have left it at a text. He doesn’t even really know if you are interested. Maybe what is muddling it up for you is the fact that you have him on a pedestal because of his looks. If he was just an ordinary friend or a nerdy guy would you call him back?

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:44am

  156. 156: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lisa (((hugs))) venting feels good

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:12am

  157. 157: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Cupcake… I was talking to my mom today, she is in hospital, in the same hospital where I work so we have lots of time to chat, and a couple of things she said shook something lose with regard to C. So I decided to give him another shot – not because I’m invested, but just because I want to experiment with this kind of man. And it was partly because of the reason you said – the offchance that he was “just saying it” and maybe is a bit scatterbrained. And since I’m not invested, I decided I could enjoy the friendship and the attention for a little bit longer, maybe use it as a balm to help with the healing with D. There are worse things than having someone to snuggle with and watch a movie with, knowing that they don’t really have the power to hurt you. I don’t really think he’s relationship material because I don’t think he’s “there” yet.

    Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’m seeing him tonight and I plan to use it as practice and I plan to enjoy myself.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:18am

  158. 158: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica, I want to respond more to you but I don’t really have time now. For now, I send you huge ((((hugs))))

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:19am

  159. 159: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yayy Indigo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:34am

  160. 160: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    FW…you could be a little less rude. Yes Dominique has been very helpful to me in the past. I was referring to the last couple of days. But nevermind. I have seen others make the same complaint so I know I’m not alone.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:00am

  161. 161: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Oops posted on old thread.

    DrWho text me right after our date Sunday and then again last night. It felt so good to hear from him. He said he’d been thinking about me that morning and hoped I was ok (hwy I take to work had a lot of accidents due to the weather). It felt really good to hear from him, more so because he hasn’t blown up my phone like the other men. That feels really sexy. Like he’s got a full and busy life, as do I, and isn’t desperate for me to make him whole or feel good about himself. Sexy confidence I guess. Anyway makes me feel relaxed about seeing how things progress without the pressure.

    Fireman is making me laugh. He’s been trying to arrange a phone call since Sunday and today asked for a date Saturday night as he’s afraid that by the time we get to have this call I will be booked up! That feels fun. He sends very sweet and fun messages. Feels good when he tells me how he’s very interested in me, feels fun when he teases that he needs to catch my interest too before I get snapped up.

    Oh and just realised J hasn’t contacted since our coffee date Monday and that feels funny as we I didn’t even notice! I am realising that lots of men must be poofing before a date has been arranged and I don’t even notice, I can’t remember who I’m talking to, its like its just not real until we meet and even then I don’t know them well enough for them to hit my radar.

    Weird that DrWho has such an impact on me.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:00am

  162. 162: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Not being prplpsn. Just pointing out a fact.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:02am

  163. 163: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Not being rude. Just pointing out a fact.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:03am

  164. 164: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I never get any feedback on here”

    This is a very broad generalization and the kind of thing that causes defensiveness in people. Awareness around this kind of communication style can really make a difference in relationships.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:05am

  165. 165: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique I know! thanks! I do believe that these men that start becoming less interested and less invested after the initial high starts wearing off, weren’t right for me to begin with.

    I must be doing something really right b /c I keep getting told that I’m such a “woman” and “sooo feminine! ” “S” told me I was a siren.

    but I wrote last night that ” I need to be with a man that is truly interested in ME what I say and has a authentic interest in responding to me, my stories, my life…. ” S” never really did, except when he wanted to give me advice on “healing me” so it was more along the lines of if I was broken he wanted to help fix me…

    he is depressed, looking back, I see it now… I don’t want a man that is depressed….and always down and wanting a “fun” woman to make them feel better….

    I want to have a man that is “fun” also… and we have fun together…

    I cried when I read your post to me… #137

    ….and I think I’m way past wanting it… for like 25 years now… I think being patient is an understatement….. I’ve worked hard to grow and learned from every single relationship…

    I’m soo tired of it… just so tired….

    giving up feels good actually…

    OXOXOX

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:11am

  166. 166: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    prplpsn28 big warm hugs to you.

    I hear you that you feel ignored. I don’t see a post here where you asked for feedback though. Is there something you wanted feedback on? I generally use this for my own personal processing, sharing, practicing.

    Btw I didn’t read FWs comment as rude but I do hear you that you felt very triggered by it. Our triggers are where the juice is so maybe you can reframe it as a gift that there might be something there to explore and maybe you have some feelings there that want to be loved.

    Sending extra hugs sweetie.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:15am

  167. 167: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I’m doing speed dating again tomorrow evening. I’m excited! I got my hair cut and colored last week and I like the way it turned out. Gonna wear a new dress that I haven’t worn before. It’s cute and sexy but not too sexy. :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:59am

  168. 168: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    138 heart. Silence of the soulmate made me laugh! Is there part of you that feels desperate? I’m painting my dressing table with chalkboard paint so I can write uplifting words on it. I think you can play with it so it feels less voodoo and more you

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:01am

  169. 169: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Sirens,

    I was writing in my journal and realized that the very word “trust” triggers me. How long has this been so?

    Writing it, thinking it, affirming it (ha! Like I can even do that with the way the word makes me feel)– makes me feel like suddenly a dark cloud is overhead and I hunch my shoulders and shrink, looking up, and the dark cloud isn’t a cloud at all, it’s a giant hammer in the sky, ready to slam into my head.

    It felt like a big realization, discovering that feeling. So if that is the case, then when Lord Voldemort (HWMNBN) was here, and we were going around walking through gardens for a week, there must have been moments where I suddenly winced and looked up with fear, energetically speaking anyway.

    Imagine how that would feel, if someone kept doing that, looking up fearfully at something you can’t see.

    It would make you feel uneasy, to say the least.

    He flew all the way over here to take me on vacation, and I kept telling him, nonverbally, that it wasn’t going to work out.

    Because I am afraid to trust.

    Coach Caro asked me the other day what specific qualities in Lord V. (HWMNBN) make me keep saying, “He is extraordinary. He is amazing.”

    There is a real list, Sirens. I respect him unreservedly.

    Her question struck me though because what she was asking me, in the larger conversation, was that the attachment I still feel to him is about qualities in him that I feel a lack in myself.

    So I will tell you what those qualities are, having given it real thought.

    I have felt a lack in myself in the ability to make solid decisions. I have felt a lack in myself to stand tall in my world, to show up as someone comfortable in my own skin and claiming success, not because it makes me better than other people or even better than myself, but rather because success just makes sense. It makes an easier life.

    Those are not the only ideals that Lord V. enacts. They are the ones though that I feel envious of.

    He trusts himself. I don’t trust myself. I trusted him, though. And weirdly, when I type that, the word “trust” doesn’t trigger me. That’s how much trust I have in him. (I can not be in a relationship with him, and still recognize that he is worthy of trust.)

    So I guess I need to really pay attention to this. I know it must be important because as I have typed this, I have felt increasingly sick to my stomach and dizzy.

    See, I thought he was going to make all the decisions from here on out. And now I have to learn to do it myself.

    And can you imagine anyone wanting to take on the responsibility of making decisions in partnership with someone who seems to have a hammer you can’t see over her head?

    You couldn’t take that on. How could you?

    So this may not be the reason he didn’t step up. But it sure is the first one I have figured out that makes se se.

    And whether I ever see him again or not, I have got to stop living in fear of an invisible hammer.

    Thanks for listening.

    Cupcake

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:14am

  170. 170: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tammy – 148- Yes over the years I have shared my story. Some if it can be found in my book. More can be found in some of my very early articles. A piece of it can be found here –

    http://sexandheart.com/meet-dominique/

    Immediately prior to the wonderful and amazing relationship I feel so thankful to have now, and we’re going on twelve years together, I was in a destructive, emotionally abusive, awful relationship from which I couldn’t seem to extricate myself though I tried several times. I knew within the first year I wanted out, yet it took thirteen years more to do so. I had resigned myself in some ways, yet I dreamed of something better in the dark of the night.

    Two weeks after having finally left my house, I was fixed up on a blind date by a friend, a date I really didn’t want to go but did anyway. Turns out we had known each other ten years before though not that well, well enough to well remember each other. :) There was an attraction then, barely apparent to me though more so for him, for I was married, and neither one of us go there.

    When I was described to him, he knew right away who I was. I didn’t realize until I heard his voice on the phone, for his is unmistakable. We’ve been together ever since. Even through MY tough time, it was still a good relationship. Now it’s through the roof great and continues to get better on all levels.

    More of my story is in the above mentioned places. And you can ask me anything about anything.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:31am

  171. 171: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Sophie)))) Good luck for your interview tomorrow. I keep thinking ‘retreat into self-love since right now talking with him doesn’t seem constructive’ but idk if that’s what you need. It feels comforting to read about languishing in water and steam with such tension about. Those words – about your whole body wanting to kick out and make it stop – are sitting in my head right now and yes! is what comes up. A kind conversation can do so much for that chest-hurt. I feel tearful just thinking about kindness and chesthurts. Hugs to you.

    Dominique – 137 – I love what you said here – lots of hope for me and I believe this too.

    Heart – ha ha I suppose the lotion works best when you’re in front of the altar?

    Indigo – thank you for the hugs. Have a great time tonight.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:34am

  172. 172: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – 165 – Instead of looking at this as giving up, how about as surrendering. Doesn’t that feel better?

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:38am

  173. 173: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t think I’m afraid of love, I’m scared of being trapped in something that I think is love but isn’t; especially if I can’t get out.
    One of the dating site men was asking for clarification on our interaction – he wants to know if it’s possibly romantic or only friendly. I noticed that although I’m still maybe hurting, I didn’t want to hurt him, rather I felt more gentleness and carefulness with his request. I have mixed feelings, some is my own stuff to deal with but it does feel generous and beautiful to practice feeling messages with a sweet and kind man.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:39am

  174. 174: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Purple – I feel badly you fell ignored. I understand. I went back to find your post from the last thread.

    Actions speak so much more than words can, yet we women can get so hung up on those words. I do get it, for I’ve been there. But I discovered a wonderful lesson in this. I had grown accustomed to hearing pretty words, yet they were only that and nothing more, no actions to back them.

    And then there was K, someone who spoke so little, yet the actions were all there.

    Yet I longed for the words, and in the process, missed out on a lot of what he WAS telling me, just not aloud.

    One day it just hit me. He IS telling me how he feels; he’s screaming it from the rooftops, just not in a frequency my ears can pick up.

    What a huge relief this was for me learning how to hear his speech without words. And over time, the more I let this go, the more the words started coming. He’s still not a particular verbal person, but compared to back then, it’s a lot.

    I now prefer the actions though the words are nice too.

    Can you really, really try this?

    And when he does say something, tell him how great it feels to hear this, that you love it so much.

    Here are two articles which refer to all of this.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-uncommunicative-man/

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:55am

  175. 175: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    http://sexandheart.com/when-your-mans-love-doesnt-feel-enough/

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:55am

  176. 176: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you everyone for all the love and kind words and sharing of your own processes – so much stuff i’d like to respond to

    Okay Dominique – no mistakes – the word is now eliminated from my vocabulary – thank you for the kind words

    Veronica and Curvy Siren – yeesss I am choosing loving me – I got up and moved all my bedroom around so that my bed wasn’t literally next to B’s bed yet divided by a brick wall (can’t get much more of a physical representation of us if you tried!)…he didn’t like that…it interested him…and then he started wanting a hug…okkaaayyy…i went to the pool and it felt really good and now i feel good about my interview too – i’m all prepared and hair dyed and nails done and not at all nervous so good good good

    173 – i’m sooo afraid of that too Veronica and being stuck in something joyless (I probably look for signs of that) and not living my dreams because of it – a whole lot of letting go of that would feel ahhhhh breath of relief – just trust myself and let things be…

    FW “I am hearing Rori’s voice on Reconnect suggesting that we be clear on the terms of our exclusivity to the point of telling the man how much communication and time together we need if we are going to be in a relationship with them.” I hadn’t heard this – I feel curious I am definitely going to keep this as a priority – I need a lot of time and a lot of communication … at least now I know :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 11:49am

  177. 177: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake-169
    Regarding trusting yourself.
    I THINK it’s in ‘Blueprint for Commitment’ where Rori uses an everyday object (a pen?) to help a lady with trust issues. “can you trust that this IS a pen? Can you trust that the pen IS blue, etc”
    Your post made me think of that
    Cheers!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 11:51am

  178. 178: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens
    Just wanted to share two things. First, burning that letter last night was wonderful. I just repeated over and over as it went up in flames, “I love you, (T), but I am letting you go.” I feel light and free this morning.
    Second, and this is huge,
    I awoke to a text that immediately triggered a ball of anxiety the size of a watermelon in my stomach. It felt terrible! I felt angry with myself for feeling it at all, and suddenly I decided I was going to catch that ball of anxiety and KILL IT! I wanted it gone! I closed my eyes and searched my whole body until I found it hiding in my stomach. (Anxiety looks to me like a small animal about the size of a watermelon, all covered in spines. It glows with a sharp, silvery light) I chased it. It ran away. I was determined to get it so i chased it round and round until I was almost exhausted. I realized when I stood still (metaphorically panting) that this wasn’t working so I sat down and turned my back to it. I was determined to lure it in. This is a strategy I use with dogs and horses who are nervous and frightened (I train both) Asi sat there, Anxiety approached me from behind and I reached back and touched it on the head. Suddenly I no longer wanted to kill it. I scooped it up and cradled it in my lap. All the spines lay soft along it’s back as I stroked it and held it and fell in love with it because really it was no different than a frightened dog that lashes out when it’s afraid. I held it until we were both calm, then i put it aside and stood up. When I opened my eyes felt peaceful. The knot in my belly was completely gone.
    I’m sharing this in case the imagery helps someone else.
    Love to you all

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 12:45pm

  179. 179: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    I noticed when I started posting on here that I didn’t get a lot of feedback, but I decided to not feel hurt about it and rather look at myself – to give to others what I wished to receive. And so I started extending the hand of friendship to others here, and support and comfort to those who needed it, and what I received, I received tenfold in return.

    Just a thought.

    I am sending you love. I always follow your story.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 12:50pm

  180. 180: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    By the way, I had a super time tonight (Feminine Woman, I think you would be pleased :) ) I got an opportunity to speak my feelings and it went down really well. C actually became quite responsive in return.

    And it was lovely to be kissed and cuddled and have my hand gently stroked and held after the bad day I had yesterday! I was able to receive those gifts.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 12:52pm

  181. 181: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    KYLA, INDIGO AND DOMINIQUE…thank you so much for your feedback and kind words. :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 1:15pm

  182. 182: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this experience that I’m about to share speaks to my exercise from the Universe right now on BECOMING a HIGH VALUE WOMAN!

    Hah! : )

    First of all, I have to genuinely SEE myself as a high value woman. When I see myself as a high value woman, I have been able to actually be centered in my true self, relate to myself FIRST, and take it easy on myself when I’m faced with decisions I’ve made in the past that have not gotten me the results I wanted. I’m quieter, less chasey, more confident, more at ease. I just feel better about ME in general.

    (But… I might not get that immediate gratification of that date, or that man RIGHT NOW!)

    I’m learning to be okay with that.

    Kenny Rogers the country singer is in our town doing a Christmas Special. I was only mildly interested in going and seeing him for nostalgia sake. But not interested enough to buy myself tickets.

    One of my CDs mentioned that he might get tickets and he asked, if he did, would I want to go. It was non-challant, non-commital, and I said, Yes, it would be fun. If he bought tickets I would like to go with him.

    Today at 3:00 pm he sent me a facebook message of all things, telling me he got tickets and was I still interested in going. The concert is tonight at 7:30.
    OUCH!!

    Talk about making me feel like the last concern on his totem pole. I have no plans for tonight. And I could easily get dressed and go with him to the concert. And we would have a fun time. Hoorah!!

    But, I have a larger goal in mind. Not necessarily with this particular man, but with myself. I want to be committed to myself, FIRST. And I want to see myself as a high value woman.

    I also don’t want to be petty and make this concert flub up something that comes between this CD and I. So, after I kind of licked my pride wounds a little bit, I returned his facebook message with my facebook message: “I feel disappointed. I would have loved to have gone to the concert with you and thank you for thinking of me. But this is way too late of notice for me. Have fun anyway.”

    And that is that. I’m kind of tickled with myself for leaning back, but not making my disappointment his fault. I’m curious to see how this will play out in the long run.

    I’m feeling very proud of myself. And then… not 15 mns later, my best friend just called and told me he was in town tonight and had an early Christmas gift for me and did I want to go and check out this new restaurant that just opened up. How cool!!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 1:21pm

  183. 183: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, that’s awesome that you had such a great date!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 1:49pm

  184. 184: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    So, I have a question for you sirens.

    How do we balance “appreciating him” versus “you don’t appreciate me because you didn’t help”?

    He decided not to shovel for me because I didn’t offer to help. I explained that I was feeling ill physically and extremely exhausted after 4 days dealing with our daughter’s illness, but I still wonder about letting him do for me and how to show appreciation, versus “you didn’t help so you don’t appreciate it”.

    Thanks for any thoughts on this. <3

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 1:51pm

  185. 185: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – 184 – Wow, this so brings up bad feeling memories of my ex who would pull the same kind of thing with me. This kind of behavior merits at least a pink flag.

    There are a few ways to handle this.

    You could have said – “That feels really awful to hear.” or “I feel really uncomfortable hearing that.”

    You could have said – “I’m not feeling well.” And nothing else needs to be said here.

    When he does do nice things, lavish the praise. Melt, thank him, tell him how much you love it when he does whatever it is. That you feel SO taken care of, and so on. This will encourage more of this in a good man.

    Give this some time though. Patterns can take some time to shift, and it will have to start with you. If he’s going to change, he will need to feel safe in your true appreciation of whatever it is he does which you love.

    Look for any opportunity to show appreciation and thankfulness, from the small things to the bigger ones.

    And see what unfolds from here. If there is no change within whatever amount of time you think is appropriate, you may want to rethink this relationship.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:17pm

  186. 186: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Just got off the phone to a CD. This was our first call. We haven’t been on a date although he mentioned it when we were emailing. I tried really hard to lean back, let there be silences and let him ask me the questions. There were a few nervous silences which I would have usually filled myself and I think he felt like the conversation was struggling because I wasn’t filling the pauses by asking him questions. It felt so awkward and like I was almost mean to him, making things difficult for him. He asked me about whether I email men first and I sad no because it didn’t feel good to chase. He also asked me about my views on women making plans and i said i liked men to suggest things as i wasn’t really interested in being in charge in a relationship, I said I was in charge in my career and my life but wanted the man to lead the relationship.

    I think that by the end of the call he got the impression that it had gone badly and so when I said I had to go he felt bad and didn’t ask about meeting up. Previously I would have been more engaged and asking questions and I think we would have easily have got to him asking me out. I’m finding this leaning back thing really hard. I feel like I’m being awkward rather than sireny. I know if I hadn’t leaned back things would have felt less awkward.

    I’m also not feeling very interested in him because it doesn’t seem like he is the alpha male type I usually want to date. If I was really interested in him maybe I would have been more interested in what he had to say. I found myself drifting off rather than listening at level 2.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:19pm

  187. 187: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Dominique.

    Right now, I’m seeing this as practice. I remember the question of, “If nothing changed, would you want him the way he is, right now?” And the truth is, I wouldn’t.

    The biggest barrier to beginning another relationship with him (this is my ex, whom I live with, who dumped me after 10 years… on my daughter’s b-day)… is that his mother’s OPINION carries more weight than my wants or needs!

    So I’m looking at issues like this as practice. I don’t think this can be turned around. This issue with his mother being the number one person has always been there… so I doubt it will go away.

    But this is good practice, as Rori says… so I’m CDing and I’m practicing.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:21pm

  188. 188: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm, for leaning back to really feel good, I need to feel safe that the man will lead us forward and I need to feel interested in him. Otherwise only a 50/50 thing makes us move forward. I would be happy with a 50/50 thing but in my experience 50/50 always turns into 40/60 then 80/20 then he says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:23pm

  189. 189: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    And thank you, Dominique. I think that’s a great suggestion!

    Corin, I don’t think that awkward is bad. I think that things feel “awkward” when we’re out of our comfort zone… sometimes that can feel so unfamiliar and unexpected that our default feeling on it is “weird” or “awkward”.

    I like alpha types, but I think that some of what people like to call “beta” types, are really just confused alphas. There are SO MANY masculine energy women now that I think the majority of men just feel confused for a bit when the woman is being feminine. Kind of like running up against a new species. :p

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:26pm

  190. 190: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Sirens,

    I’m feeling really disconnected. From the whole world.

    I’ve had one face to face conversation since Saturday. It was about 3 minutes long, with the lady in the laundromat, about whether I should wash my laundry bag after I spilled soap on it.

    I feel lonely and heartsick. I want to call Lord Voldemort and cry. (I won’t. I just want to.)

    I have no one in this city I can talk to about how scared I feel. I want to drive back to my mountain in the north, and I can’t because there are no jobs there and I tried it there for a few years and nothing worked for me.

    Tomorrow I have a job interview, and it would be a good job. I am one of 4 candidates. If I get the job, I will feel better about everything. If I don’t get the job, I hope I don’t feel worse.

    Starting over is such hard work. Cities feel so empty when no one we love is in them.

    Maybe I will go back to the laundromat and talk to that lady some more.

    I’m used to being by myself. Today though I feel really ALONE.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:27pm

  191. 191: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Cupcake, sweety. I felt overcome with sadness as I read your post. I feel this way. I live in a house with another person, and I feel this way. And children are magical, but they don’t fill that grown-up need.

    I hear you, and I am crying with you (I don’t know if you’re crying, but I am).

    Maybe this is a time to fall to your knees and just let the grief and loneliness take you. Plumb the depths of them and find their deepest places until you find the other end where your heart dwells.

    Warm, loving hugs for you.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:31pm

  192. 192: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    (((cupcake))) and I’ve my fingers crossed for your interview tomorrow!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:43pm

  193. 193: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Me too! Good luck cupcake! It’s going to get better! Moving to a new city is always hard.

    ((((((((((((Cupcake))))))))))))

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:46pm

  194. 194: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    A little late of a reply…

    Thank you to Dominique, Tereana, Andrea, and
    Violette for sharing your experiences.

    I think the message for me here is what Dominique and Tereana originally mentioned:

    Dominique #15- “It could be as simple as allowing you to get clear on what you do and do not want in a relationship.”

    Tereana #27″- Is it a dealbreaker or an absolute hard line that you never ask a guy out?
    – Is there a way to talk about it with him so that he understands that your expectation is that he will generally ask you out, but that you might reciprocate in some way?”

    I notice I still rely on the opinion of others in order to evaluate what I am doing in relationships. I am still learning to trust my own intuition, rather than depending on someone else’s. To sum it up, my course of action is to continue CDing. It’s the best way to realize what I want and need.

    Thanks, Sirens!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:49pm

  195. 195: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon something that I learned when my ex would talk to me like that was to just say “ouch that feels bad”

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 2:51pm

  196. 196: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    good luck Cupcake!!!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 3:29pm

  197. 197: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake-190
    ((hugs))
    Wishing you the best of luck in your interview. I’m also sending a big chunk of the peace I’m feeling today
    lots of love

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 3:51pm

  198. 198: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, Cupcake, Liquid Lite and Millie, thanks for your comments :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:25pm

  199. 199: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon thank you for the support! I keep telling myself follow Rori’s rules, feel my feelings and be surprised.

    Cupcake, it’s so hard in a new city. I read your posts and think that you are so brave and doing so well in this. I don’t think there’s much like the aching loneliness of having not a single person in your new town who cares about you, but as you know it can change and start to shift on the smallest thing. You have a chance to grow and be the person you want to be in this city. It just takes one breakthrough to start to feel like home and right now you get to be your own best friend. I find having to rely so completely on myself really shows me a acutely the ways I am not my own best friend do I have a chance to change and treat myself better

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:35pm

  200. 200: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Terra a

    Thanks! It feels so sad but so true to accept his ambivalence about me. My belief I need to prove I’m worthy of being loved always blinds me from seeing this…every time

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:52pm

  201. 201: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry Tereana

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 4:52pm

  202. 202: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I think POF should change its name to POL = Plenty of Losers. I just can’t believe the low quality men on there!!! So many seem like they are passive, pathetic feminine energy men…yuck! Its so depressing!!!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 5:59pm

  203. 203: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    I went to a mix and mingle and I met a couple of men… and a possible woman friend… it was nice… I couldn’t stay late, had to put my child to bed…

    so, my child is 9 ( one of them) said , Mommy when are you going to get better at picking men? She said “S” was such a boring personality and he really doesn’t like kids… she said all he did was come over and sit on the sofa…

    Well he did the dishes for me one night…. but realizing out of the mouths of babes! All I have to do is listen to my child!

    So, I guess since I’m totally moving on, I can call him and talk, since I will be leaning in but he did say he wanted to talk soon… and he did say he wanted me to call him more and since I’m really done… no reason not to right?

    Really he was a not on the log, he treated me well but then he wanted sex… and to talk and said he needed me… for emotional support but he didn’t ADD to my life… and that is pretty da&*m important!!!

    I’m feeling sad though… a loss still… I guess I’ll need to grieve this one too! goodness… so many to grieve…

    “L” showed up again, ( I never had intentions of taking him seriously ) but turned out to be a a$$.. and I blocked him… men don’t get circle dating they think your out for a – as he said a “free dinner without even a blow job” OMG! what a jerk… so I guess circle dating has it down side…

    Uggg… part of me really wants to give up! My heart hurts, and I’m so tired of this….

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 6:23pm

  204. 204: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    sorry about that Lisa, yuck, that sucks. what a scumbag. yes that’s a downside of circular dating. that’s why I am being much more selective about who I go out on dates with so I don’t get slimed by scumbags like that. I just won’t waste my time on someone with no manners who doesn’t know how to treat women well.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 6:53pm

  205. 205: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG! I had this huge realization tonight….

    I read one of the newsletters for one of the RR dating coaches and I had this ah ha moment…

    I’m feminine, I’m sensuous, I’m attractive, smart, have a good body, and confident … secure ( but here is the clincher) b/c of my life now and for the past 9 years having all the issues I’ve had with an ex with AS, having health issues to over come… I still don’t feel like a “catch” totally … not because of me as a person, I’m an awesome catch – a jewel as “M” and “S” said… but b/c of my situation… my inability to have succeeded more .. even though with the cards life gave me, there was no way I could have done better…

    I keep remembering what @Mercedes said about her man, that even though they were from different social classes ( I think I’m saying this right pardon me Mercedes if I’m not) that he would never have judged her badly b/c of it… I just need to find a man that loves me so much that he wouldn’t care…

    So this must be why I’m attracting these men! The men I’m attracted to are more educated ( b/c I am very intelligent but I don’t have a master’s degree- but I can hold my own with someone that does) and more active, traveled and can have an intelligent conversation with me… and fit ( b/c I’m fit) but I keep attracting lazy, boring, ocd, introverted men… that are depressed and so obsessed with spirituality that they have no time for anything else… which is the opposite of what I want, need in a man.

    So, I think that my not feeling “good enough” for these men ( that I’m attracted to and have things in common with) is drawing in the men that I don’t want? I dunno! feels right?

    What do you all think?

    What feels really good about me is that I am turned off when men treat me badly or disrespectfully! and I naturally withdraw when they start to pull back…

    OXOXOX

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 6:57pm

  206. 206: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @ cupcake {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} <3

    I know that feeling…

    I feel that way too sometimes… I understand

    know that you are not alone

    OXOXOX

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 6:59pm

  207. 207: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay. I am tired. I will probably have to catch up more later. Right now I need to get more sleep.

    I feel anxious. I love my new job, but they are not scheduling me as much as I want. When I am asking for shifts, they are not putting me on. Yesterday, I was excited that they did have me working, but of course I was thrown into a role I wasn’t trained for at all, and I made a lot of mistakes. I enjoyed myself, too, but I just feel concerned that I’m not doing well and letting the whole team down. Wow, after only one shift.

    I realize that these are mainly just fears. One little voice in the back of my mind told me: You’re doing just fine. I like to believe that voice. It feels challenging when there is not a lot of external validation on this concept. It seems/feels as if I’m being ignored. When I offered to cover someone’s short shift today, when they didn’t have anyone, and then they said they were “all set,” I felt rejection.

    I know it wasn’t about me. They really were all set. They didn’t need the help. Maybe it’s good that I offered? I just found myself thinking “Oh, God, I’m way over-eager. They are going to think that I’ll just do anything, and they’re going to think I’m weird and they’re not going to like me.” Ahhh, I just realized that sounds like the inner monologue of a 6th grader! I’m a full-grown woman. Why should I have these kinds of thoughts in my head?

    Ugh. It’s been a challenging week. I am simultaneously drained and energized. I don’t know at all what’s going to happen next week. I don’t know where I will stay, or how I will ever get enough paychecks to pay everyone back that I need to pay back.

    I feel so overwhelmed.

    Life feels so demanding, and I don’t even have kids, a partner, a dog, a house. I can’t even take care of my cat! I want to be a mother, and yet I can’t take care of even these little things, or even myself, apparently. I feel like a failure before I’ve even started.

    Yes, I need more therapy. I know. I have to deal with these issues, it just feels so broad and it covers everything in my life. I don’t even know what the issue IS, to be honest. It could be, as I’ve suspected, that there is just something “wrong” with me. But of course I know that isn’t true. Yet some part of me believes that.

    This is the tired rambling of a girl who has underslept and thought wayyyyy too much about EVERYTHING. lol

    And I will say, too, that I feel really grateful for this blog, and for all the comments earlier about writing to a guy and leaning forward. That was a great conversation, and I got a lot out of it. especially the part about how “being a siren doesn’t have to mean complete disclosure.” (maybe a paraphrase). That was just great. That’s kept me going.

    Because even though I do think differnt things all the time, I haven’t felt the need or even the energy to write to the Lakeman. Evne though Ive had some great things to say (I thought ; ). When it comes right down to it, I can’t even compose a letter that I won’t send. Right now, it’s more about self-exploration. As I feel about him, I simultaneously learn what my feelings are trying to tell me. He, the actual person, becomes less important. It’s more about discovering where my feelings are coming from and paying attention to that.

    Like loneliness. Yes, sure, I feel pretty lonely right now. So contacting him, or any guy is not a great idea. It will come with all kinds of desperation. I might want the guy to “fix” it and make me not feel lonely. But he probably won’t. And it’s holidays. I don’t want to do the cheesy girl thing of trying to get a partner just because I feel desperate and single at the holidays.

    And maybe that’s a judgmental thought about myself.

    Still, I don’t want to make it about an external event. What that really means is that if something happens – if he wants to contact me or if he decides he doesn’t – I want it to come entirely from him. Or from whomever. I need to be open to what’s next, because he could just have been a stepping stone. A painful lesson to learn that helped bring me closer to my own desires. And for that I feel grateful, and no, I do not need to “disclose” that to him ; )

    xoxo, ladies :-*

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:06pm

  208. 208: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Men text me a topless or a full body in boxers photo days after I’ve expressed that I’m not interested. Really? A picture of their body is not going to change my mind just confirm that we are not a match! I’m feeling bemused. If they were young I would think clueless but these are professional men in their 40’s. Sure they look great but I really couldn’t care less whether he has fantastic abs when I’ve already said no thanks to what they are offering. I feel confused that I’m somehow attracting this type of man. This is not the way I want to be courted! Sigh..

    ..and these icky feeling contacts then seem to instantly have DrWho and Fireman popping into my pretty little head wondering if/when they might contact me.. ugh and the nasty voices are trying to knock me off balance that if I’m thinking of them at all my vibe must be low and will drive them away leaving me with all these icky feeling triggering low quality guys.

    On a positive note I made a great impression at my client lunch today. I clicked really well with two women who have invited me out on social events and I feel honoured, excited and touched that another very influential woman offered to mentor me, teach me to play golf/join her group (on my must do list now for sometime) and introduce me to several other influential people in my industry. So I making some lady friends in this new city, my career is advancing, my boss is pleased as punch with me and I finally get to learn golf.

    Ok sweetie, don’t let a few low quality men and semi nude photos throw your game, you’re awesome.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:18pm

  209. 209: HanaNo Gravatar says:

    Good evening ladies,

    I know it’s been awhile, and I wish I could catch up quickly, but it’ll take as long as I’ve been gone to do so! Anyway, I’m looking forward to reading from all of you beautiful sirens.

    I have a new story in my life.

    I need your help!

    Please ? :)

    Here goes:

    I met someone at my sons daycare, we’ve known each other as parents pretty much, he’s got the cutest way of behaving with my son, calls him “His little man” haha, and gives him high five. He’s tall, handsome, hairy! (I love hairy men, just my taste), I’ve had a little crush on him since I saw his smile and seen how he acts with my little guy. But, I thought he was married, so I of course put that out of my head quickly. Anyhow, yesterday we shared a moment, and he revealed that he was going through a divorce. I said “Join the club” and after awhile, he asked why, what did I mean by that, so I answered that I was divorced. Anyway, I gave him my e-mail because he wife didn’t give him my sons birthday invite, and he said he’d like to come. So I offered to e-mail him the invitation. As we said goodnight, I offered any support because I’ve been through it, and he said, “Yes, I need support” and it was like a scene out of a movie, haha. His son was on his shoulders and as he left, he cried out loud “Daddy needs support” haha… He’s got this way of smiling and so full of energy, it’s infectious. He later e-mailed me that he hopes my son feels better (he had a fever that day) and that it was nice to officially meet me and that he’s looking forward to that pep talk. :)

    I am so attracted to this man, he is not only the whole package, or at least seems to be, we don’t know each other yet, but also now available, albeit I know he must take the time to sort out the seperation if it indeed is what is meant to happen, who knows they may stay together. My problem is, ever since yesterday, I don’t have an apetite, I have been thinking about him loads! I’m happy happy like super happy! I feel like I’m falling into a spiral of fantasies about him and us, and I know, this whole time I’m super aware that I am going a little bananas about it!! Why is this obsessing happening to me? What program of Rori’s do I need to watch again so that I will be back on practicing the best tools for me at the moment? I’m cd’ing although I don’t have any one person in my life. I had a man oversees that wanted to build a life together, but I’m not really feeling like he’s mature enough or I’m not really sure if I like him or respect him enough to go through a long distance thing. He wants a baby and all, and I’m really happy with my kid, plus he’s not convincing enough. Just following my intuition. So…

    I need to keep myself in check, or else I will scare myself and him away! :)

    FYI, I believe that some of my fears stem from my earlier years of when I was a teenager in school, kind of unpopular among the other Jewish cool kids in their cliques, it kind of gave me a serious complex, and it has been carrying over till today.

    I don’t seem to have problems connecting with men at the clubs, I do so easily, but I get super insecure with men who may actually be the right one for me. :/

    XXXOOO

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 7:55pm

  210. 210: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    When guys send me nude photos, I forward them to my gay guy friends. And I tell the naked guy I’m doing that too.

    It hasn’t happened in a while…. Much to my gay guy friends chagrin! :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:00pm

  211. 211: HanaNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake, I love that! lol

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:04pm

  212. 212: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Hana,

    Have you been Circular Dating? The best way to keep your excitement grounded in reality is to reinforce the fact that there are lots of men out there.

    Easier said than done, when so many of them are not as exciting. Even the less exciting ones have something to offer though, in terms of free therapy and the reminder that you are a Siren.

    Go around smiling a lot. Make it homework for yourself to smile and see if you can get the guys to say hi. (They should speak first.)

    That will help you keep perspective on the hairy guy!

    Cupcake

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:10pm

  213. 213: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol cupcake that’s funny!

    I’m just rambling here but I was wondering after I posted if it was like a message to me. A “teeny tiny” part of me has been noodling for ways to lean forward to re-spark interest from certain men that I realised have gone MIA and then of course I’m shaking it off as I know it won’t work. The nude photos trigger icky thoughts like blatant desperate “look what you’re missing” trying to hook me when I’m not interested. Ick. I thought ah yes thats how I believe a man would respond to any kind of reaching out from me no matter how light, fun or innocent I might try to do it. I would be lowering my own value to them and to me. Anywho..

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:16pm

  214. 214: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks everyone for your hugs and support.

    It has been such a roller coaster in my head. Tonight.

    Please send me good thoughts tomorrow afternoon for the job interview. If I have something to work on every day, and people to interact with, it will feel so much better. Not to mention having a paycheck! That would be nice!

    I went to a bar last night to try to talk to new people, and the only men there had long hair a (like, Kate Middleton long) which had obviously been curled with curlers and had product in. Gay? Actors? Pretentious hipsters? All of the above? Hairdressers?

    I didn’t stay very long.

    Al

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:18pm

  215. 215: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Hana, I would love to feel that excited about a man. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Enjoy it! I’m so jealous! :)

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:24pm

  216. 216: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Hana,
    I would be wary of going into nurturing, comforting, therapy mode with this man. Of course he might need and appreciate a supportive and understanding woman right now and that will trigger your mothering/compassionate feelings more than his emotional desires. Just a thought, maybe from being the amazing rebound that brought a man back to life one too many times so please please ignore me if I’m off track!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:28pm

  217. 217: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Corin – Just feeling playful and irreverent.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:33pm

  218. 218: HanaNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid light you gorgeous siren! You filled me with positive flow of light into my situation. I am speaking for myself but I’m sure other sirens would contest to being guilty of feeling guilty of feeling these beautiful emotions towards the opposite sex. When we were younger and less jaded the dance of love felt different, now we are so self aware and conscious that we oftentimes forget how to enjoy those sweet emotions the way I imagine a little child would… Xxxooo

    Kyla, I hear you loud and clear, that makes a lot of sense, and I only had a tiny inkling that may be an issue if I don’t watch myself. I want him to feel very attracted to me. The beauty of our connection until now is that I have up until now felt completely normal and very much myself. I’ve gone to the school without makeup and had bad hair days and I wasn’t that self conscious of it. Haha, I just have always behaved myself to the point of bridget jonesing lol. Now I fear I will be too self conscious errrrr Xxxooo BTW love your name

    Yes Cupcake I have been circular dating. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. You are very funny to read! I look forward to learning more about your story Xxxooo

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:53pm

  219. 219: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica 122,

    Wow, what you said resonated in the most painful feeling way. I really, really do know the feeling you are describing, and add to that the confusion and the disappointment.

    I have no real advice for you, because I still do grapple with that feeling from time to time (like on Tuesday) though much less often than I used to. The only thing I have to say to you is this: it does get better. With time, sometimes a lot of time. Just allow the healing power of time and celebrate any small moments that take you further along on your healing path and revel in the days that feel better.

    I believe you can turn that belief around that this is “rejection town”. I believe you can reclaim your town as your palace and your playground.

    (((hugs)))

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 8:56pm

  220. 220: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((cupcake))))

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts and good vibes for your job interview.

    Do you strike up conversations with strangers? It can be a teeny bit daunting at first, but it is a skill you can learn and practice and become quite good at, and then you find people respond quite warmly to your charm. I do that from time to time. I remind myself that other people are just as hungry for connection and friendship and kindness as I am. It’s a great way to have “episodes” with people that can fill the lonely times in between.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:01pm

  221. 221: SandyNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I can finally find a guy who’s worth fighting for and who’s willing to accept me to be part of his life, forever.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 9:45pm

  222. 222: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Violette-

    What happened with the guy who cancelled the first date at short notice? Did you reschedule?

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:29pm

  223. 223: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Amber-

    Thanks for the “trust” exercise from Rori’s program. I’ve been walking around saying that to myself.

    And thanks for sharing your peaceful feeling with me. It felt nice to read that!

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:31pm

  224. 224: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Sophie – 176 – Yay : ) Also, for a long time I thought that I would have to be living out my dreams first and then get into a relationship, that way my dreams are still alive. I’d really like to reconnect with that energy though as now having a dream to work towards feels like refuge from relationship (or end-of-relationship pain).

    Amber – 178 – Beautiful. Thank you.

    Indigo – I’m glad to hear that you had a good night : )
    219 – Thank you, I feel comforted by your words, and especially with this cloudy, rainy weather it’s a s though you gave me a big sister hug. Sometimes it’s as though all of me is moving forward and then other parts of me get snagged up. There have been some really good days. I think lately since I’ve stopped initiating contact, I’ve been floored at how awful this situation is and how thoroughly feminine-man BM is.

    Cupcake – Hugs to you for your interview.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 10:52pm

  225. 225: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Amber 96–just read your letter and I love how you wrote both sides! The feeling messages in parentheses have so much deeper meaning and I could envision a man really hearing that vs. the left column comments. I’m glad you did this exercise and I’m inspired to do it as well next time i feel upset and triggered. Burning it must have felt so therapeutic.

    Andrea– I have also been thinking about what a high value woman means to me. Stepping back I see how my actions have not reflected that. When I ask myself what I want and what I feel comfortable with, I realize I give my body too soon to men that have not shown themselves worthy. And by that I mean, they have not shown me that they want Me. I have to process that and articulate it better. I’m off work next week and am planning to really spend time connecting with my heart and finding out my boundaries. I also think that a high value woman says NO more often and for her own reasons. As you did, no that’s too late notice. It was not a big deal but for you that mattered more than the concert itself. That seems to be key, how you are treated matters more than the man, the event, the fact he’s giving you attention… Etc. I just need I establish what I’m ok and not ok with truly. I love this process.

    Wednesday, 18 December 2013 @ 11:58pm

  226. 226: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Hana, this is something that I’ve learned not only from Rori (and she doesn’t DIRECTLY express this in as straight-talking a manner as I’ve learned it), but also from Burt Goldman and other powerful teachers…

    When you think about something or someone, you are putting your energy there. When you put your energy into a man consistently, Rori says, it’s like you’re “wearing his mark”.

    So the method that I’ve been taught is that you just mentally yell, “STOP!” at your own thoughts. When you’re thinking about this guy so much, it feels great. The fantasies, the excitement, it all feels so great…

    And therein lies the trap. You don’t want the fantasy, you want the reality of feeling that way WITH someone.

    So as seductive as your own THINKING is, you want to STOP it in its tracks. On many levels. Partly because he may be the One, and if he is, you want to accept the REALITY of who and what he is, not fill in his personality ahead of time inside your mind.

    If he’s not the One, then you don’t want to cling to him long past the right time because you mentally went around playing Pin the Personality on the Prick (one of my favorite games for years!). This game can lead to some of the largest heartbreak imaginable.

    My first and strongest feeling in reading your post about your obsessive thinking about him was that you would benefit greatly from the “STOP!!” mental command, as well as creating for yourself a “mental sanctuary”:

    First, create a feel-wonderful place inside your mind. A sanctuary where you can go any time that you need to change your thinking (good, bad, or indifferent). This becomes a sort of “default” position to return to any time that you issue the mental stop command.

    Once you have this sanctuary created, you use the STOP command to cease the addictive thinking and thus Take Back your energy. Then you go immediately to your sanctuary.

    Sometimes the STOP command can lead to confused thinking or uncertainty–but if you have a default position to always go to from there, it can actually be effective in helping you to stop these addictively seductive fantasies before it either drives him away from leaning forward, or it leads to heartbreak because you built him into something he is, due to chemistry.

    Please, please forgive me if I’ve overstepped my boundaries here. I am trying to follow my intuition more, and I felt when I read your post that you are finding these thoughts about him to be seductive and addictive… and I also felt that you’re doing some Pin the Personality stuff in them. If I’m wrong, perhaps the post was meant for someone else. <3

    – Shannon

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 3:03am

  227. 227: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    One last thing, Hana, and I apologize for the double post.

    (as well as a correction… make him into something he ISN’T, due to chemistry).

    Anyway. I think, “Yes, I need support” was more of a “Yes, I have an ‘in’ with this woman!”

    As mentioned above, don’t be supportive in a mothering way. Be supportive in a “helping him to go back to being the powerful alpha man he is by giving him an opportunity to be himself around an amazing feminine woman” way. :)

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 3:09am

  228. 228: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes! # 25 Shannon!! Ooohhhh…. so so digging down deep into the REAL STUFF!! I want to copy and paste that post and put it up on my own wall!
    Thank you for following your intuition. This was great for me and I bet a lot of others as well. Whew!!
    Hard to hear and Wonderful at the same time.
    Finding a sacred “safe spot” for my thoughts to go is really going to help me immensely. Thank you, both ladies for letting this play out.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 5:36am

  229. 229: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oh boy Indigo. That felt lovely to read. I am truly happy you shared that.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 6:28am

  230. 230: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Amber I loved that imagery. I was here imagining that that ball of anxiety was your little girl inside.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 6:29am

  231. 231: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – 205 – This is an old article, yet it’s still applicable and my help you.

    http://sexandheart.com/being-all-the-goddess-you-can-be/

    xxoo

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 6:36am

  232. 232: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – 225 – This is beautiful and spot on.

    This is another oldie talking about just this.

    http://sexandheart.com/energies-through-the-ether/

    xxoo

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 6:55am

  233. 233: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Tammy 74, and Dominique 75. I’ve only just seen your comments now.

    These were so lovely. Thank you for being so supportive of me. xxx

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 8:35am

  234. 234: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren 142,

    Sorry, I seem to have missed out on some of the posts :) Have you seen I gave C another shot. I don’t know if there is lasting relationship potential there, but he’s affectionate and sweet to me and I feel very comfortable and calm and warm around him, and that’s worth a lot at the moment.

    xxx

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 8:39am

  235. 235: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman 149 & 150,

    I used feeling messages with C last night to tell him how I was feeling and what I wanted… it felt awkward as all hell, which is why I was glad I did it :)

    He responded really well to it I thought. First of all he didn’t get flustered. Then he asked me for more clarification. Then he opened up a bit himself. Finally he became more attentive and warmed and drew closer to me. It was pretty cool :)

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 8:44am

  236. 236: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon #225 and Dominique #232-

    Thank you for posting these.

    I had a crappy night and texted Lord Voldemort. Obviously, it was an impulsive action with I almost immediatelyregretted. It was after I had reached out to every friend I had and reached nobody, and was feeling very alone and scared.

    After I sent the text, I felt worse. And I sent it late at night his time, and didn’t hear back until early morning my time, leading to some sleepless tears and wishing I had not texted him.

    He wrote back a short, friendly although almost formal reply. It made me go, “Whoa!” It made my energy that I had been sending to him come barreling back and land in my lap. Like a cord going slack.

    I felt sad, but almost relieved. I feel like I have finally arrived in this new city. Like now I really get that he isn’t coming after me.

    So I have been getting ready for my job interview, feeling more focused on here and now.

    And then I logged on to Facebook and saw he had sent me another message. (I unfriended him when he said he didn’t want a relationship. He just sent a message.)

    He said, “Remember that the guy you met and spent a week with is still the same guy, just a lot further away.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:14am

  237. 237: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    cupcake I believe guys find it mostly impossible to do long distance relationships.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:23am

  238. 238: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. That is weird.

    I wrote a lot more on that post about still knowing Lord V. isn’t coming after me, and about energy cords, and other stuff.

    And that stuff didn’t go in the transmission. That is really weird.

    Anyway. It did feel good to see the Facebook message. There was a

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:27am

  239. 239: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren- The plan had been for me to move to be with him, not to come to this new city.

    He had a meltdown at the enormity of it, once it was time to actually buy my ticket.

    Either way…I am here now.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:31am

  240. 240: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    The risk is to get so in your head about how you should and shouldn’t be that we aren’t able to just be. It’s a balance and I think its good to be excited. Lord knows how long its been since I felt really excited about someone, its a GREAT feeling. The trick is to balance the excitement and not get too carried away with it so that we aren’t in touch with reality. But I just want to say that excitement is not a bad thing.

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:57am

  241. 241: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,
    Today I’m feeling resentful because I don’t have that ONE MAN to make my life perfect (yes, I know I sound like a ninny)
    Feeling resentful of this immediately makes me feel ungrateful for the wonderful things i DO have, and there are A LOT of them
    Feeling ungrateful makes me feel guilty
    Feeling guilty makes me feel small and unappreciated
    Feeling small and unappreciated makes me want to lash out at the people i know will NEVER leave me, because even when I’m horrible they still love me
    Then I realized, I want that love from a man. I’ve never had it
    Not my father
    Not my husband
    Not (T)
    I feel unlovable today, is that okay?

    I’ve just decided it is okay. Today I can metaphorically pull the covers over my head and shut out the world. I want ME time. Time to love myself back into the woman I want to be.
    You ladies are literally saving my life with this blog
    Thank you for allowing me to ramble, it actually helped a lot to follow that feeling to its conclusion
    See you on the next blog!!
    XOXO

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 11:43am

  242. 242: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Iris – 194 – glad we could be of some help! :-) of course, keep cd-ing. Even if he does ask you out, kept cd-ing until you feel comfortable and like he is offering the commitment you want (“he” being any guy you circular date, this one included).

    Prplpsn – I totally get how it feels sometimes like posts are ignored and other times responded to. And I agree that FW could have been a little less harsh with her comment. I thought your response was very appropriate.

    And yeah, I think there are so many of us on here that posts can easily get looked over. And if you really want an answer, you can always try again : )

    Xo

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 9:57pm

  243. 243: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Cupcake – who is “Lord Voldemort”? I assume you don’t mean the actual guy from Harry potter ; )

    How was your interview today??

    I can relate to things feeling tough. All day, I was just working so much, and week after week, and I still feel like I am getting NOWHERE with my finances. I’ve moved back with my family and everything and I still feel like every week, I just barely have enough for that week, never mind saving or setting aside any to pay down debt. Argh.

    I had been feeling so frustrated, and then I spoke toy aunt and she was so friendly and kind. Then I made a nice friend on the train. And when I came home, my grandmother was so happy to see me, she gave me a big hug and was so cheerful. Hey, it’s not a total loss. Okay, I don’t have money. I feel broke and don’t know how to fix it. But I guess I have some of the things that matter :-)

    P.s. Cupcake, I remember, the other day I was feeling super, super lonely. I think the holidays have a way of bringing this out, too…and I hate that feeling. But I just keep telling myself that it’s only temporary. This year, maybe I’m alone, but not really. I have people around me. And eventually it will be different. ((Hugs))

    Thursday, 19 December 2013 @ 10:07pm

  244. 244: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Dominique Thanks! I’ll read it! <3

    @ Indigo that's great! <3 happy to read your post… things changed..

    @ Cupcake {{{hugs}}]

    @kyla I've not had that happen before, but I did have a man text me a shirtless photo of him…. obviously when he was younger and more fit! LOL! Like that has anything to do with now! <3

    XOXOXO

    Friday, 20 December 2013 @ 8:20am

  245. 245: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a super-cool moment. And I’m still basically trying to absorb the feelings, but it was nice. I kind if pulled my focus back, mentally, and realized that what I’ve been telling all the guys I’ve been going out with, whether verbally or non-verbally, is, “I’m not ready.” Well, let me put it this way, actually – whether I say I’m ready or not; whether I believe I’m ready or not; whether I want to be ready or not, I still know that I’m not.

    And I DON’T know what the magic process, moment, or event is that will MAKE me ready for the things I want to be a part of — family, motherhood, partnership — I just know that I haven’t reached the part where I feel like, “ok. I’m here. I’m all on board, all parts of me are into this. Let’s go. I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

    It has to be a combination of factors. Not just one thing. And it IS a process. And I’m doing the process because I can’t help but do the process. It’s called “my life.” And Isy want it to be different now, but it isn’t.

    So that’s why (people are mirrors of us), even when I say I’m ready, or not, a guy will sense this. He will suddenly “become” not ready himself, even though he might be otherwise. But I’m not the right girl (yet). And he’s not the one who is going to be ready for me when I’m ready.

    And that was the beautiful moment. When I had this really clear vision of him, being ready when I’m ready, and when it all comes clear, he’s like, “oh. There you are.” And I’m like, “yes, here I am. It’s me.” And it all makes so much sense.

    Every man that I’ve ever lost or pushed away, it’s just because I wasn’t ready. Yes, even my fiancé.

    Poor him. He was soooo in love with me. And I was soooo in love with being loved. But I just. Wasn’t. Ready. I wasn’t. And there doesn’t even have to be a good reason for this.

    *sigh of relief*

    I don’t know how, but that releases sooo much pressure from my system.

    I guess maybe because I’ve been “blaming myself” and feeling “bad” all this time, like I’d made a mistake, I was permanently broken, and couldn’t be fixed. I’m just still being built. And that feels a lot different. Instead of feeling “wrong,” I feel like I can trust the process

    [uh, little side note – for a second there, my phone almost autocorrected to “trust the penis.” Lol]

    Anyway. Enough on that (that’s a good segue ; ) I wa also thinking today that, while it is really, really easy, when you are single at the holidays, to feel the loneliness and longing to have what you don’t have. You feel this hole in your heart, in your life, where you want someone to be. And they are just not there, and this big gap can be overwhelming. And it’s great if you have a partner. But no matter who is there, I think the whole point of this time is to appreciate who IS there. Because if we don’t appreciate those people, then how can we practice to appreciate our beloved when he arrives? I don’t know why, but that’s a smiley thought for me :-)

    And the last thought here is, I really feel, for some reason, that my beloved is a male. A man. A masculine person. As much as I know my bisexuality is a strong part of who I am, I still believe I will marry a man. But I’ll do it ing terms, and in my way, and it will be delightful. Instead of feeling like I am rotely filling in a role based on social expectations, it will be a choice of commitment between my beloved and me that we do, for fun and for pleasure, because it brings is closer together and we enjoy it. And something about it will be unusual, but I will like it. It will be unexpected. It will be my Story.

    And thinking this way, I feel like I am living my “story.” And I am choosing to think of him as my beloved. Even though I don’t know his identity yet, I know who he is, in my heart/soul connector kind of way. And it feels comforting knowing that he is waiting for me, too.

    This all feels quite raw and vulnerable to write. I still want to process this on my own, but I figured I would share, in case some parts appealed to any of you ladies as well.

    Happy weekend!

    Friday, 20 December 2013 @ 12:38pm

  246. 246: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana-

    Beautiful and beautifully written!

    Cupcake

    Friday, 20 December 2013 @ 6:59pm

  247. 247: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    213 Kyla- what you said really made me think! It put leaning forward in a way that struck a chord with me- thank you!

    ‘A “teeny tiny” part of me has been noodling for ways to lean forward to re-spark interest from certain men that I realised have gone MIA and then of course I’m shaking it off as I know it won’t work. The nude photos trigger icky thoughts like blatant desperate “look what you’re missing” trying to hook me when I’m not interested. Ick. I thought ah yes thats how I believe a man would respond to any kind of reaching out from me no matter how light, fun or innocent I might try to do it. I would be lowering my own value to them and to me.’

    Saturday, 21 December 2013 @ 10:35pm

  248. 248: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Tereana 245- was so beautiful to read!

    Saturday, 21 December 2013 @ 10:55pm

  249. 249: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla 213,

    I also needed to read that. Thank you :)

    Saturday, 21 December 2013 @ 11:13pm

  250. 250: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    OH boy. Totally inside my head again. Had too much coffee. I feel pretty anxious and a little nuts at the moment and I really had to come back here…

    I had a *nasty voice thought* come to me earlier about J possibly only wanting sex with me when he thinks I am open to a threesome or when we’re watching porn, and so his motive is just fucking other women, etc.

    BUT… I *feel* that I’m really not so sure it was just him trying to look at/be with other women in front of me, because he kept asking me for reassurance that he and I can have an open conversation about the women in the pictures he looks at. I said yes, because it was my honest answer, and I just thought what if I tried it, and it worked, we had sex for the first time in months because he felt he was no worse than me, because I looked too and got turned on, and when we’re not having sex, I honestly feel that he feels just awful and won’t open up to anything at ALL sexually because he feels I am upset with him for being who he is, and he feels yucky for opening up at all because he doesn’t know what’s right or wrong, so he doesn’t even want to risk going there.

    It would feel a lot better if I knew it was in fact about him not wanting me to be upset with him, rather than him not being turned on by me.

    I knew I’d second guess either myself or his motives again soon enough because that’s the pattern with me! But I wonder why again…feeling like I’m looping, again…about why some men (like mine) need to look at pictures or porn of other women besides their beloved to be turned on, or need to know they are “allowed” to do it…

    My guy was described by Rori as being one of these types, who goes for super-duper stimulatory things. My guess is because he’s worked in an adult store, he’s pretty hot, and there was a strip club next door, he got in free, etc.

    I got the notion he wants to be in touch with me and doesn’t want to be thought of as a pig for looking at pictures, or porn with me, as he is a photographer, and as it is a form of foreplay for us, and I enjoy it as well.

    Do I really feel like he’s disgusting for it? No. A pig? No. Maybe I feel like he’s not attracted to me and needs to look at someone else to get hard, but I might be wrong in feeling that way after a nasty voice enters my head about it. Last time I felt this way and I said something about it, I regretted it because it was my nasty voice and I let it speak to him!

    I thought he got hard when he was focusing on me while I was focusing on myself too though so I’m not so sure it was just that, he might have felt connected with me and it might be a beautiful thing.

    I realize how important again it is for he and I to make love and not just screw. I’ve been so focused on my sex drive being so high because we hadn’t had sex for so long, my whole focus on he and I was just aiming for the hot sex; I realize that’s not what it’s about, I need to be made love to. I am honestly not certain why a woman like myself would just go back to old ways of just aspiring to sex.

    But most importantly…does a man get horny from feeling the love we want him to feel, does he get horny from feelings? I think so because I’ve seen it happen with him before…Aside from also giving me a tiny refresher on that, anyone have any feelings on ways to guide one of these types to a feeling place? I noticed he totally wants to do it after either watching me or hearing about what turns me on, when he feels we want the same thing…I just would like to feel peace of mind he doesn’t need to look at or touch/etc anyone else to make love to me.

    To me..writing this out…it sounds like we’re just in dire need of some tantra…one word…tantra. So…I’m not feeling a dire need to have a bunch of sex at the moment, meaning pretty satisfied, but I certainly won’t say no to yummy touches and contact, that is my favorite, FAVORITE. He feels so very warm and yummy when I just cuddle with him.

    Monday, 23 December 2013 @ 1:14am

  251. 251: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    This really resonated with me. Thank you! And I have a question related to it that I’m wondering how others have handled.

    I’m dealing with what seems to be the end of a relationship right now (we’re on a ‘break’) because he realized he just wasn’t ready for the level of intimacy that was developing. When he leaned back, I did too. And we haven’t spoken in over a week now. So now, I’m struggling with the ‘focusing on me’ part.

    What keeps throwing me off balance is one simple thing… when I focus on me all I feel is deep sadness. Even though there are other guys in the ‘rotation’ and I did everything according to the program and I still have other things to fill my day/time with… I still feel very deeply sad about not having him in my life since we had a very unique and special connection. (unlike any of the others in the ‘line up’).

    How do I refocus on ‘me’ and start making ‘my’ life fun again when the only thing I’m feeling is loss and sadness? (I’ve also lost many important people in my life so this is a big trigger for me).

    Any suggestions?

    Thanks!
    Rachel

    Monday, 23 December 2013 @ 10:28am

  252. 252: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Rachel, you sound so lovely – AND – none of the “connection” part means ANYTHING if a man isn’t “ready.” The ABILITY and readiness to DO relationship is always the number ONE thing about a man you should fall in love with. He shows his readiness and ability not by talking, or giving great sex, or saying any words. He does it by ACTION. It’s clear as day. And that has to be SO at the top of your list that every other consideration pales by comparison. Love, Rori

    Monday, 23 December 2013 @ 10:50am

  253. 253: TammyNo Gravatar says:

    #252 Oh Rori! You have popped my bubble! You put this so plainly that it has landed like a boulder in the pit of my stomach!
    BUT, I know you speak the truth!
    Sure, I feel for a man. We both admit that we have an amazing connection. But, it does not matter if he is not willing to be here and stay connected!
    I am a mother of 4 children and my children have taught me this lesson: You absolutely, positively cannot MAKE or WILL someone else to do do what you want them to! You cannot even force a newborn baby to nuzzle at your breast. Sure, you and the baby both know that at the breast there is nourishment, love, comfort, protection, warmth, joy – LIFE! All those things are provided by a lovely, nurturing creature that is only doing so easily, naturally-BEAUTIFULLY what comes from a place of purity. Yet, sometimes the babe refuses! No amount of cajoling will make a difference! The baby will partake of the gifts when he is ready!
    I guess you are basically saying a man is this way too! Well, we women are as well! No amount of convincing from a man can truly make us commit to him now, can it? Sure, there are situations where one may give in and do what the other wants of them. Yet, a choice is made- We are all free moral agents! I am discovering, through these tools, that I really, really, REALLY (I can just see my little girl me just bouncing up and down with excitement in my mind’s eye at the thought of this!) desire to be the beautiful, mysterious, luscious, peaceful woman I am- living that all out in the open and in my heart and mind- just resonating warmth and love. A gift to myself and those I come in contact with. I believe the man will choose me- I will not have to convince him! I will be chosen- that is my choice! I will then feel free to make a choice in whom I give my nurturing (breasts- sorry I could not resist! ) to!

    Monday, 23 December 2013 @ 12:08pm

  254. 254: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Rori! For both your kind words as well as the ‘wake up call’ about what the relationship really was vs. what it felt like it was or could be. It really helps to reframe my feelings and refocus on my goal.

    The challenge that keeps arising for me is that every relationship I’ve been in seems to get to this ‘make it or break it’ point. We even get to the ‘marriage on the table’ point b/c I’m very clear with my intentions and feelings now – thanks to you! Unfortunately, it still seems to end up breaking at this pivotal point every time. I don’t know what I’m ‘energetically’ doing to create this situation. Unless, it’s simply, starting to believe in the potential before it’s become a reality. Oy! :(

    It’s just hard to stay unattached b/c I’m ‘literally’ running out of time to have children (according to recent medical tests), and my heart can only handle so much.

    How do I keep refocusing on the goal, stay positive, and also get past this ‘make it break it’ point with this looming deadline and repetitive disappointments?

    Wishing you many blessings, tremendous gratitude, and a very Happy Holiday season!!! :-)
    Rachel

    Tuesday, 24 December 2013 @ 12:01am

  255. 255: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Not feeling very Merry right now. Not only am I sick and feeling miserable but things are not good with H. It’s been 2+ yrs together and nothing seems to be moving forward. It’s feeling more and more like a FWB then anything else and that’s not at all what I want. I’ve made that clear from the beginning and he said that’s not what it was. But I’m not so sure. So I’m leaning way back and taking myself out of the picture for a while. Not gonna see him over the holidays and just spend time with family and close friends.

    Tuesday, 24 December 2013 @ 12:10pm

  256. 256: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies,

    I have not post anything on this blog in years so I guess I am new again. I have a problem with this new guy that I have been seeing for the past 6 months. I really like him and we share a lot of the same ideals in life but we met right after both of us suffered really bad breakups so we decided casual was the way to go just in case we were able to repair our relationships. Over the span of 6 months, we have talked about having children, career paths, the kind of house we would like, etc but he still says that he isn’t ready to get back into another relationship. I really like him and he does everything with me like he wants more but I am not sure what to do. I have kept my options open and I let him control the situation as far as phone calls and things like that. he says that he is not seeing anyone else. he has stuff at my place and has even stayed at my home while my son is there which is something I have only done with 2 people since my divorce 10 years ago. I want more but I do not want him to feel pressured into having to decide to be in a relationship or nothing at all. I guess I need some direction on what to say and do.

    Thursday, 26 December 2013 @ 7:24pm

  257. 257: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Hi TW…
    Welcome (back!)
    Are you dating other people while you keep your options open? Circular dating?
    If this man felt like there was a true threat that he might lose you if he doesn’t “claim” you (Rori’s words) then he might step up. He might also let you go. Keeping in mind that we MUST believe a man when he says “I’m not ready.”
    If he truly isn’t, and doesn’t seem like he will be anytime soon, why are you waiting to find the real Mr. Right?
    Hope I haven’t overstepped myself.
    Come and join us on the next blog!!

    Thursday, 26 December 2013 @ 7:42pm

  258. 258: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much Amber. he basically told me that his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he is scared to trust someone again right now. I feel like he is punishing me for something I didn’t do and I wouldn’t do to him. We are supposed to sit down and have a talk. I have been practicing saying what I feel in feeling messages as I have read on this blog.

    Sunday, 29 December 2013 @ 6:59pm

  259. 259: KateNo Gravatar says:

    How does one work up to the courage?

    Tuesday, 31 December 2013 @ 4:10pm

  260. 260: KateNo Gravatar says:

    “My” guy says that he is “in the process” of a divorce. – That he filed, and she got served; however, now, “she”, (his wife) does not want the divorce anymore.

    Where does that leave me?

    Should I believe a word he says?

    Tuesday, 31 December 2013 @ 4:17pm

  261. 261: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori, I need advice.
    6 months ago my 5-year-boyfriend and I broke up. We still talk from time to time, but I really feel I am over him.
    About a month ago, a coworker asked me out and said he found me interesting, and could not believe I didn’t have a bf, because I was a very loving person. (Quick background: he’s divorced and had a second son w/ another woman later on, but the baby died – I ignore the circumstances).
    Long story short, we have gone out a couple of times. He does not want anything serious and, in the immediate moment, neither do I. We have both been clear on that, and I think of it as “free therapy”, as you say, and an opportunity to practice your tools.
    So, issue is, he’s living with someone. He has not hidden it and says she’s a friend, they did have a relationship in the past, then went into a big fight and now are friends, that they live together because of economy and because they have supported each other through a lot, but rules are clear and they are not a couple, so each one is free to do whatever they want. If that is the case, I’m fine, but it would kill me if it is not, and I’m contributing to him cheating on her. I thought of asking him again, for the sake of his son’s memory. One friend says I shouldn’t and I have to go by what he says (which has been somehow the same I have overheard in conversations w/other friends), and another friend says to ask him if it makes me feel better.
    I’m sorry to bother you with this, but I really don’t know what to do. If you or the girls could help, I will greatly appreciate it.
    Love,

    Thursday, 2 January 2014 @ 9:39am

  262. 262: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Liz – I had a best friend for MANY years who lived with her ex. It was a fantastic house on the beach. He took the bottom floor, she the top, and they shared the kitchen and common rooms. They both dated others. She eventually moved out to feel freer of his influence (she was still a bit hung-up on him), and met her forever man and married. I believe he married also…the BIG QUESTION here is – are you Circular Dating? Or are you allowing yourself to focus on this one man and his situation?

    Circular Dating is Circular Dating. Please don’t let it become more for you until a man truly steps up to claim you in a way that feels right. This is NOWHERE near that right now. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 2 January 2014 @ 11:57am

  263. 263: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you SO much, dear Rori!
    We talked it over, he explained things with a little more detail, and I feel much better now. I guessed I wasn’t stressed out about him and me as much as I was for her.
    And I know I cannot let it become more with anyone until they claim me, although that’s a place I can so easi:ly fall into …
    I have gone out a couple of times w/other people, and I must admit it is kind of hard for me to be ‘back out there’ again, but I’m taking one step at a time, keeping in mind I need to take care of myself at all times.
    Thank you very much for all you do for us, Rori. I wish you and everyone here a very happy, blessed, and love-filled 2014.
    Love,

    Sunday, 5 January 2014 @ 6:25pm

  264. 264: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori – I’ve been going through a really tough time. My husband of two years has been in an emotional/sexual affair with a much younger woman, and I don’t know where he stands with it now, if it’s over or not, and what is going to happen with our marriage. He is dragging his feet on making any decisions, whether to stay married or not, as though he’s trying to make me make the decision, which I don’t want to do. I love him and knew him as a wonderful man for years before we married. I really do not know what has changed him so drastically. I am beautiful, faithful, and intelligent, and I have been using many “tools” and strategies I’ve been reading about. Most importantly, I’ve been working on myself and thinking about what I’m interested in, and what makes me happy, and trying not to place too much focus on him. I’m trying to let that gorgeous feminine energy emerge and do its thing, which means to me letting him take the onus of our relationship, and stopping the over-functioning that I feel got me here. So, when I tell him how I feel, and ask what he thinks about our relationship, he shuts down, and usually just responds with “I don’t know”. There is no reassurance for me, no saying he’s done with her. I would leave, but I love him (stupidly, I feel now), I have no place to go and don’t want to start over at 32, and I don’t want to throw in the towel before I’m sure this relationship can’t survive another minute. We’ve always meshed well, are great friends, and we are frequent lovers – and I don’t quite understand what made him withdraw and seek someone else. I’m terribly stubborn, but loving and loyal to a fault. This experience has been so painful and has taught me so much about myself. I feel like “leaning back” and cultivating myself has not been enough to get a true response from him, and I feel like a fool, and that anyone else would have left him far behind by now. What do I do as a married woman who loves but does not understand her husband? I just want the good man back who loved me.

    Tuesday, 14 January 2014 @ 6:28pm

  265. 265: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Liz, You’re in a very confusing and delicate situation, and I want to encourage you to get coaching. Try my Certified Coaches (Directory over in the sidebar) for very affordable help with this – and because I mentor them, I can help out if needed. I can tell you one thing for absolute sure – the key to this for you is to get as much DISTANCE as you can from him – that means Circular Date – get an exotic and fun life, hang out with friends, go to class, do scary things like Toastmasters, acting class, pole dancing so YOU feel like a new person to YOU – and then learn, with one of my coaches, how to open your heart in a new and scary way – even while you’re absolutely preparing to LEAVE this marriage. At 32 – you’re very, very young. I personally would NEVER, EVER stay with a man two minutes who had another woman. Period. I’d stay so I had a home, while I worked to find a way to support myself, got a lawyer to make sure (and PLEASE DO THAT THIS MINUTE – so that the money is TRACKED!!!) I knew exactly what my financial options were – and started dating other men. That’s what I’d do, that’s what I would coach YOU to do. If he ever decided to chase after you – then you’d have options. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 14 January 2014 @ 7:39pm

  266. 266: NSNo Gravatar says:

    Hi have been in a relationship for the past 4 1/2 years
    In an effort to keep this short
    When I realized we hit a wall
    Where both of us love one another deeply but perhaps don’t want the same things at this time in our lives
    It is more about him being in capable at this time to give me what it is that I want

    I opted for the “third way”
    And had the speech about keeping my options opened while being sexually exclusive

    Though he was in agreement with this
    It has been two months in this arrangement
    And he has not stepped up

    He Has turned into the Epitame of a rubber
    band man. He is loving and affectionate and still tries to keep touch with my family and children
    As if he is trying to keep his foot in the door

    Having him be in my dating rotation
    No longer feels good to me

    I’m too emotionally invested in him
    And not receiving the consistency or certainty I desire

    Could you suggest some words
    For a goodbye speech?

    Monday, 27 January 2014 @ 6:47am

  267. 267: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    NS – I would simply not accept dates with him anymore. If he asks why not – you just say “It would feel great to be together, to live in the same space. It doesn’t feel good to be “dating” you casually – I love you, and I want more. What do you think?” and then just keep dating other men FOR REAL!!!! Love, Rori

    Monday, 27 January 2014 @ 9:05am

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