Does Plenty Of Fish Work For Anyone? Or Is It All “Booty Calls”?

carvingHere’s a letter about www.PlentyOfFish.com – a dating site (free – and known often as POF) that some women I’ve spoken with have great personal stories around, and others see this way:

“Dear Rori,

I feel that I so so need to correct you on this Plenty Of Fish website, You are very seriously jeopardizing your Reputation on referring this website!!!!!

I have been on this website 2 separate times, I gave it enough time to literally hang itself….

I shall explain it to you briefly. I am a good and true Christian LADY, even with what my profile says, I still got men that only wanted a booty call.

Everyone knows this except for you.

I Love your emails you send me, and they are right on when it comes to meeting a GOOD and true loving good future husband as you teach others to seek that quality in yourself and your future mate, and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Please you are being Deceived by P O F website people. “IT’S A MEAT MARKET ” not anything more!!!!

I am serious Rori; you better dig deeper !!! And put on an Anonymous Profile and check it out for yourself.

I have deleted myself from that site anymore; for those men on there are just users and nasty ( it’s a booty call site)! !

Watch what they write you back and you will see for yourself.

I pray your smart enough to investigate what you willing to jeopardize your reputation over…

GOD BLESS YOU and be sure to play someone else on there and you shall see what I am talking about..

Thanks for you doing what you need to do to protect your BLESSING in helping those who cannot find, nor figure out men or their own or their man, but are willing to work to make sure he still only wants you.. Understand? I pray you do…..

Good luck on your research. Doris”

From Rori: POF has gotten this kind of “about easy sex” rap over the years – and yet, some women I know have found great men there…if you have a POF story to tell, or an opinion to vent – please let me know in a comment here!

Love, Rori

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292 Comments to “Does Plenty Of Fish Work For Anyone? Or Is It All “Booty Calls”?”

  1. 1: LailaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori! Long story but circular dating has been working wonders for me. However I’ve got a question: Now that my ex is moving forward and is about to come and see me from across the world, because we are no longer in a “relationship” and didn’t even have had a talk about it, he just suddenly started to talk to me almost the way he used to when we still were I don’t feel like having sex with him. I already told him that if he comes he must get a hotel. To what he say it’s fine without any questions. But if it comes up how do I say him that I don’t want to have sex with him because we are no longer together without sounding as if I’m longing for us to be a couple again?

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 2:29pm

  2. 2: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I used E Harmony… got matched with not one person. …not even any conversations with any men.

    I used match.com… and had some email conversations but no men asked me to meet.
    Then I heard about POF from here. I found most of the men on match had a profile on POF too! hmmmm

    I got on POF and have had all the practice one could hope. I have met several real, normal, men and this is where my CDing pool has been from. I met P there too and even though I decided he was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.. he was for a time a real possible contender.

    POF or any website for dating is what you let it be. Booty call?… sure that is going to happen anywhere if you let it. POF is as good or even better option than paid sites. Especially for sirens like me with very limited funds. POF gets a thumbs up from me.

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 2:44pm

  3. 3: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    POF gets a thumbs up from me too – soooo good for practising the tools. I had plenty of practising with all sorts of things when using POF. Just playing around with my intention status and my profile gave me a whole load of experience about attracting different types of men. It was good in the beginning for weeding out the ones who just wanted to email, or who were rude or triggered, or any number of things. It was a good way to see who would step up and I met some really nice, normal men. It was also great for helping me to feel sireny and begin to practise communicating feelings. I remember when I first put up a profile and the inbox was just ping ping ping – it freaked me out! (and it slows down over time until you shake it up again) but it also made me realise there were all these men out there and they just might be interested in me…I had my moments – like on any dating site – where it got boring or it felt like the men were uninspiring but overall my experiences with POF were really good ones – I learnt TONS

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 2:56pm

  4. 4: kateNo Gravatar says:

    I found that the free dating websites (like Plenty of Fish) had a higher number of “lower quality” men, for lack of a better term. A free dating site requires very little from the user and the user may not be as serious or as invested.

    That said though, I see no reason not to use all of them. I didn’t always, but I now find it easy to ignore/ delete/block any contact from men I don’t want to hear from. It can be considered a numbers game, so why not stack the deck in your favor? One of the things I had to learn about online dating was not to take it all so seriously and so personally. It’s fun, lighthearted way to meet more people, and that’s it.

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 4:15pm

  5. 5: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    All dating sites have men who are looking for just sex; POF is a free site so it has more of that than others. Online dating makes men “lazy” and they want faster sex, without the effort of courting a woman. I bet most of the men who send suggestive emails wouldn’t say anything like that if they meet you in the supermarket.

    Go there knowing that you as a woman have the power to block and say NO! go there with a realistic mindset that most of the people you will meet are most likely lying and or looking to hook you the fastest way possible. No it is not about being negative, but about being realistic. I do not like POF anymore… it has gotten old and predictable; same men, same stories, same old cliches…. Online dating is good for men because it makes it easier for them to be passive and put no effort at all; and it makes women more aggressive and masculine and we become kinda “crazy” trying to guess what is he thinking or trying to say etc. My advise, put on some nice outfit let your hair loose and go to a nice social/singles event with a dual intent.

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 5:24pm

  6. 6: AmazedNo Gravatar says:

    I have only used POF and yes my first email was a booty call…blocked and deleted. I met up with 4 men..went on to try to have relationships with 2 that didn’t work out. The first 2 I met however I did not know about Rori at that time. The 4th and current man of mine seems to be my one. He has a huge kind heart and is real. We are talking about our future together. I also have heard of a few people who found their partner on POF. I am happy I met L and wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for POF. <3

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 7:19pm

  7. 7: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Welll… I have used match- with very poor results (haven’t used them in years)

    I have used E-harmony and met some very nice men but NOt much connection… I won’t use them again…

    OurTime… for people 50+
    Met many really nice men and have dated several for 4 or more months…

    I’m now on POF and I’ve only gotten quality, sensitive, VERY polite men responding to my pictures and profile… I’m looking forward to meeting several soon!!!

    I feel it is a very powerful dating tool…
    To be able to read a man’s profile and
    see what their intentions are (many say they JUST want to DATE… or they JUST want FRIENDS or JUST want a Travel partner)
    If that isn’t what you’re looking for then you simply don’t respond to those…

    In the last 2 years of using online dating I haven’t met one man that not a gentleman!!
    I highly recommend it!
    I know MANY people who have found their true love on dating sites!!

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 8:01pm

  8. 8: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    I joined Christian Mingle for 3 months and even with a paid subscription, I got about 90 scammers and men just looking for sex. I feel pretty disappointed and discouraged overall about online dating and have just about given up on it. Brenda

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 8:15pm

  9. 9: SangelinaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been dating online for over ten years.
    I met a lot of men via match, had some short term relationships 4-6mo.
    Tried E-harmony several times over the years, communicated with very few men and met about 3 or 4 in person, dated one for 4months.
    I was getting frustrated when I read about POF on this site and decided to check out out. I figured I had nothing to lose. I put up a very brief profile and within a week, I met my current boyfriend. We have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 yrs and I can safely say that it’s the best relationship I have had to date and I can see us spending the rest of our lives together.

    Of course, I recommend POF but go in knowing what you want and say “No” to what you don’t want.

    Sunday, 3 August 2014 @ 8:49pm

  10. 10: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Used POF a few years ago. Met someone I dated for 10 months. It was ok. You have to be choosy as with any site I think. Recent break up so no interest in dating now at all. Maybe at some point I will try it again.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:07am

  11. 11: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    I agree with you. A dating site is what you let it be. No matter which one you use you need to be very discerning. The great thing about internet dating is that you get to weed out the vast majority of totally unsuitable men before you even meet them. So there is no reason why lots of men looking for booty calls need to put you off… just delete and block.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:44am

  12. 12: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Agree with the fact that you can find all types on any dating site and I do believe the ones you don’t pay for (OKC, POF) may require a bit more vigilance, although as Radlove said…”Christian Mingle” is a breeding ground for predators because of the smokescreen it creates of providing quality “Christian” men to unsuspecting women.

    Regardless, there are all kinds on all sites and any/all of them require vigilance, awareness and savvy to navigate successfully. That being said, I met my match on POF and that story has a very happy ending. :) So go figure…lol.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 4:46am

  13. 13: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Honestly, I don’t know what people are griping about with POF. I was contact by hundreds of men, and not a single one was disrespectful to me or gave me the impression that they just wanted sex. I met many of them, and with the exception of, they were all total gentlemen that I had a great time with. They waited 3 dates to kiss me. They were chivalrous. It was great.

    I only dated one of the guys for any extended period of time. It didn’t work out, but man, he was really hot and I wish it had. I actually dumped him, and he was really broken up about it. We just weren’t right for each other and I knew it.

    I think your energy and attitude about men has so much to do with what you’ll attract on POF, but I have no scientific proof of that;). However, reading this blog post, I noticed that her tone and vibe was that of being “good” almost to the point of being better than others morally. She is convinced that men are all a certain way online, and so she has received it. She is convinced that a certain type of behavior is offensive, and so she has received it.

    I loved telling the men I met off of POF how great all the other men were. How everyone was so polite and lovely to me. When I told my POF dates this, I could feel it strengthening men as a whole, encouraging them to keep going with their gentlemanly ways, instead of stooping to that dreaded meat market stereotype.

    So if I had to offer an explanation about why I had nothing but kind, reasonable men contacting me, I would attribute it to my attitude.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 6:54am

  14. 14: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,
    I have also expressed to my dates how many kind, good, gentlemanly men I had met online…
    and they did seem to love hearing something positive from a woman for a change.
    :-))

    I also agree with you… what you focus on you attract…
    I’m a grown woman… I am smart and sensitive and
    I can figure out before I ever go on a date weather the man is only interested in a booty call (actually by simply reading their bios)!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 7:18am

  15. 15: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    I have no experience with Plenty of Fish, but I use OK Cupid and it has been great this time around, because I wrote my profile in the way that Rori suggests (i.e., evoking how a man will feel in my presence, what feelings I am looking for, what feelings the things I enjoy evoke in me). Not surprisingly, it’s all about feelings and I think gives a good picture of my true self. I’m also very clear about what I am looking for (dating non-exclusively until a man and I want to ride off into the sunset together towards marriage and kids).

    The quality of men who have responded to my profile has greatly improved over my past profiles that just focuses on things I like or where I try to be witty.

    I have too many CD’s to handle right now, and 3 of them came from the site! The great thing about circular dating I’ve found is that once you give off self-confidence that is enhanced when you have a successful date, men that you know or encounter in real life see you in a different light. It makes dating “real life” people that much easier!

    Sure, I get a few emails from men that just want sex, but I either ignore it or politely respond that I’m not looking for casual sex. Most don’t bother me again.

    What I have found, however, is that younger guys (20s-30s) take advantage of texting to try to fish for “selfies” and sexy chat. I consider that a chance to practice having a high degree of difficulty. So far, guys have either respected that (and I can tell their estimation of me improves) or their communication drops off (which solves the problem!)

    I feel much freer this time around, and positive about the experience of circular dating. I’m still new enough that I haven’t been tested by having 3-4 dates with the same person to test my resolve again falling back into the pattern of seeking an exclusive boyfriend (which dead ends there). I’ll keep y’all updated!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 8:02am

  16. 16: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    So, apparently Tinder is a dating app known for people who just want to hookup. (Should’ve warned me, Rori!) ;)

    K is the only one I’ve met who seems decent so far.

    I had a really interesting conversation with a man who came on really strong sexually.

    Instead of blocking him, I decided to use feeling messages & speak my truth.

    He ended up opening up to me about sex and his failed marriage. It was actually a really good conversation. He said something along the lines of “this is so weird. You’re a complete stranger, & somehow it’s so easy to talk to you about this.”

    I felt sorry for him…

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:13am

  17. 17: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis #13…
    I love what you shared…

    taking a not so good situation
    and being a Siren and using this as a great opportunity for YOU to grow and practice…
    using your feeling messages…

    Ohhh… YEah!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:23am

  18. 18: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Sirens…
    Today I feel VERY loving!!!
    The sun is bright, shiny warm
    here up north…

    i feel really really good with my new normal, and my better life and my love of self (LOVE OF SELF!) and just everything —since practicing and using all these rori tools and also
    for the priviliged of being on siren island.

    i feel grateful. thank you.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:36am

  19. 19: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Ok Sirens. Would like your insights on this. If a guy comes to you and says “I need a break” wouldn’t that mean that you set a time limit and then come back together at the end of that time and talk and possibly get back together? Or not necessarily? And if the guy terms “break” and “split up” to mean the same thing then really what he’s saying is that this is permament? I’m confused on these terms.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:01pm

  20. 20: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Prplpsn28,

    Sounds like the guy is retreating. In my experience, those types of set time period breaks followed by talking about the relationship rarely go as planned. It might feel better to use the time to focus on yourself, circular date, and it will matter less to you what he does because you are giving yourself love!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:07pm

  21. 21: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Men respond to distance, not words.”

    “Instead of talking to him when you’re full of frustration, let distance give you a DOUBLE advantage”

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:14pm

  22. 22: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman 18,

    REALLY love this.

    Purple,

    If you can possibly manage it, try to take him at his words, don’t push for any more details, don’t push for a time limit. Honour his request for a break both physically and emotionally. I believe that if you respect his request, it will really make you go up in his estimation.

    At the same time, I would suggest take the time to do exactly the same thing for yourself. Get clear on what you want, really do an inventory on what you want for a relationship. Use the time to feel around in your feelings and see what they are saying to you. You can use this time to get clarity. And then if he does come back (which much of the time they do) you will be in a stronger position.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:33pm

  23. 23: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Those are not universally defined terms Purple. It really depends on the person. I have first hand experience with this and it is really all left up to interpretation unless you point-blank ask…and I agree with the others that it’s not a good time to do that at all. Give him the space right now…hard as it may be.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:37pm

  24. 24: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Thank you everyone for the insights. I greatly appreciate it and get exactly what your saying. I have not contacted him nor asked for any more clarity. I’m just trying to deal with the horrible emotions that come with this.

    I have booked a hotel for me and my daughters for this wknd. It’s only about an hour away but it’s a really nice town right on a lake/beach with lots to do. So I’m hoping that will help take my focus off him.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 12:48pm

  25. 25: ArachneNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I felt triggered by this one, so I’m going to come out from lurching into the shadows and speak about my experience.

    I tried POF as well, for a time. Yes, I received some very “low quality” messages (not just sexual in nature, but it also showed that they haven’t read my profile and/or were too indolent to even write properly, which is a huge turnoff for me—you know, the “hey bb, u r so hot” type of message…). I also received decent messages from some guys that I excluded because of age (they were in their 40s, I was just 24 at the time) or because they were in other countries.

    And there were also two guys I’ve had some very good-feeling message exchanges. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet them (I think it was my fault, I let the conversation became too long and way too intellectual in nature, so they both, separately, just stopped writing at some point… *sigh*), and it was still useful nonetheless.

    Overall, I’ve found POF actually more satisfying than other sites I’ve tried (E-Harmony, no mesages whatsoever; match.com, a couple of weird ones; some local sites, had a few dates that didn’t lead to anything). And I also agree, any dating site/app/location, virtual or otherwise, is what you let it be. Great wisdom in that, Linda!

    I also want to confess two other things. One is that Doris’ letter itself triggered me. The language and the style instantly reminded me of scam e-mails and of some very annoying people I’ve met. It might be cultural (and politically incorrect of me to say it here), and… it kinda made me cringe. It felt yucky and bleah-ish. *shudder*

    The second thing is (and I know I will be triggering some people with this)… I can’t really empathize with this absolute condemnation of booty calls. Sure, it feels awful when you want a relationship and the man you like just wants sex; sure, it feels even more awful when women are tempted to use their own bodies in the vain and mistaken hopes that they can change a man’s mind about them by sleeping with him. And yet… for me at least, there is a time and a place for booty calls, for free, liberated, blissful, wonderful, pleasure-filled, no-expectations sex. I had doubts about this as well, and I feel very lucky that Rori herself took the time to reply to me, at the time, here (http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/sex-sensuality/sex-for-sexs-sake-is-that-okay-with-you/). Now, one year later, I have learned that I am indeed not capable of having a physical-only relationship (multiple, repeated, casual encounters with the same man), and I can have, though, and can enjoy, occasional, one-time (or short-lived) sex-only flings with different men that pass through my life, offer me pleasure (and lessons), and then go on their own path. Some time ago I passed through the town where one of my one-night lovers lives, and I did something that I generally don’t do anymore: I leaned forward by sending him a short text, just to let him know that I fondly remembered our time together (from more than a year ago). I honestly had no expectation, I didn’t want anything from him, I was just expressing myself—so in that case, the experimental leaning forward actually felt good. And now I’ve actually just came back from a vacation where I spent three nights and two days with a man who found me on a sex site. Sure, we initially met for a glass of wine, and it WAS a booty call. I knew it and looked forward to it. The conversation was good, the attraction was there, so I invited him to my room and yes, we had sex—and besides the pleasure, there was also an unexpected amount of tenderness. He also spent his whole weekend with me, not only in bed (where it was mainly him putting in a lot of effort to pleasure me), but also guiding me around, showing me his city, taking me out, paying for me, opening doors, getting information for me, carrying my luggage to the airport… Also holding my hand, kissing and holding me in public (I’m a sucker for public displays of affection, I’m afraid… *blush*) It felt amazing to practice receiving all his attention and energy, even if I knew it wasn’t going to “lead” anywhere. I know I couldn’t “play relationship with no commitment” like this for a month, because I’d probably fall in love with him and get all insecure and resentful and a little crazy. For three days, though, it was perfect: I’m going to “file it under foreign affair”, like Tina Turner says, and cherish the good, hot memories. And in the process, I’m practicing not trying to control the outcome and being in receiving mode and tolerating pleasure (of all kinds—yes, I’ve discovered that, for me, “tolerate” is a correct verb when it comes to good stuff… it’s something I am still working on).

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 1:52pm

  26. 26: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    A still hasn’t contacted me about going out tonight. I guess I kind of expected it. It’s almost 5pm, even if he does call me now I won’t call him back tonight. I don’t want this in my life. I would call him back, but…in a few days.

    As for the many men who write me on POF, that have pictures of their naked torsos, of other women all over them, who are WAY less attractive than me…I mean, I’m just saying, I can’t imaging they expect me to respond…but, I am working on reacting with compassion to them, rather than, yech, ugh, moving on. Just that, it’s more sad than anything else, and I want to move away from judging as much as I can.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 1:55pm

  27. 27: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman,
    Love no. 18. Well said. Just what I needed. Thank you.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:34pm

  28. 28: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Ok ladies. What do I do if he contacts me? Saturday night we had contact via text. Lighthearted joking conversation like normal. I left the conversation about 10:30pm and didn’t reply cuz i wasn’t really sure this should be happening. About 3am I get a text from him that says “where’d ya go”. Umm…what? Doesn’t split/break mean no contact?

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:35pm

  29. 29: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Good question, Purple.

    It’s as if they have no concept of our aching hearts. It’s almost a form of cruelty, because it gives us hope that he still wants us and is into us.

    I don’t know. Maybe we should say “you don’t get to have chit chat with me if you don’t want all of me”.

    I’m feeling angry about this. It is my situation too.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:48pm

  30. 30: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    It may be that you will have to put the boundary in Purple…otherwise perhaps it suits him to ‘check in’ that you are still there/available to him…what do you want? Do you want him to check in or do you want some space?

    Maybe you could express that this feels confusing and you would like…and express what you would like. Don’t take the direction from him, really dig deep into what you would like…

    Your hotel plans feels great to me – I was whooping that you’d made that decision to go and do something fun and away from the situation

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:49pm

  31. 31: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    (((AprilRose)))

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 2:59pm

  32. 32: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    22. sounds like good practise violette – when I had men like that I’d just think ‘not for me’ and skip to the next. No more thought energy than that. I trusted that they’d find who was right for them, just like i’ll find who’s right for me

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:05pm

  33. 33: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the hug, Sophie. It means a lot.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:07pm

  34. 34: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I bought the Hearts in Harmony ebook by Gay Hendricks from one of R or I’m emails, & it’s pretty much describing every relationship problem I’ve ever had. Makes me feel really sad. Thankfully, not all of the issues apply to me and it seems as though I might even be on the right track! I need a hug. ((((IamHis))))

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:14pm

  35. 35: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Thanks for your responses. I appreciate it. What really hurts the most with me and seems to be the most difficult to overcome is that no matter how strong the guys feelings for you were, it seems so easy for them to just walk away and it doesn’t bother them. Ugh!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:18pm

  36. 36: WaterfallNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    Reading your post it struck me how much I need to grow.

    All dating sites terrfify me – to the point where I don’t believe that real people are behind the profiles.

    This year or so in my relationship I have grown immensely – but this has also served to highlight why I am so slow on the uptake with Rori and her tools.

    And is right when she talks about “practising” and I should be mindful of that.

    I think deep down I am so terrified that I will NOT find a man out there for me. I am 100% convinced and it makes me feel so sad, lonely and bereft.

    I feel really sad because another friend of mine just jumps from one relationship to then next, almost like she is out shopping. I am so jealous of her. She has the most beatiful aura and things just fall into her lap.

    She is now due to get married to a lovely man who not only treats her like a princess but has an awful lot of money to spend on her which he does gladly. Plus she is pregnant and much as I am happy for her I feel very, very envious.

    My boyfriend is incredibly tight. We pay everything half and half. If he pays for me then I have to pay for him next time. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am so resentful to him now I can’t believe it. I just want to get away from him but everytime I do he says be will change…

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:26pm

  37. 37: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    His feelings may very well still be there, but buried behind a wall of resentment.

    If you would like to try an experiment with me, I received an e-mail with a link to a guy called Brad Browning, and he is offering a program on rekindling desire in your ex-partner. He claims he has the method for erasing all negative memories of the relationship from you ex’s mind and replacing it with fresh attraction and passion. He offers a 60-day money back guarantee.

    http://www.exfactorguide.com/index50meetsweet.php
    What d’ya think Purple? Worth a go at $47

    (This guy should give me commission!!)

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:29pm

  38. 38: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    ((((IamHis))))

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:31pm

  39. 39: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    April…hmm…that sounds interesting. I wonder how it works tho when the guy isn’t around and there’s no contact?

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 3:36pm

  40. 40: KimNo Gravatar says:

    I liked POf better than any of the others, and larticulrly disliked match. Not one decent date in 3 months, only much older men contact me on match.
    POF seems to have better filters and I do a lot of weeding out. Yeah sure, there is the odd weirdo, but I have made almost exclusively good experiens with the men from there. One 10 month, one 3 months and a couple of friends I am still in contact with.
    The ones that I didn’t like I just let drop off or avoided. Voila :)

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 4:22pm

  41. 41: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    32 waterfall – to be fair to you, i don’t actually like dating sites. the problem is that i feel a lot of pressure from the men to want to be their girlfriend in the first few dates, but i prefer a long time to get to know someone. by date 3 they’re trying to move things along in the relationship, but I’m just like wooooooah hold on here.

    It felt so inorganic that I stopped doing it altogether. almost. there was 1 guy I contacted recently, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.

    Then again, I am feeling super lonely these days, so I might get back on the sites soon. There is some stuff I am focusing on in my own life first, like my career and dancing. Maybe in another month or two…

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 4:32pm

  42. 42: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Another woman is after my man. She’s leaning forward big time. I lean back. And he’s more attentive than ever.
    It was hard at first, then I started listening to Modern Siren again.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 5:59pm

  43. 43: SueNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, I’ve been reading all your posts for awhile now and have finally got up the nerve to write. I have been involved with a man now for the last year. It has been mostly sexual but sometimes he expresses feelings and then they seem to go away…is it really possible for men to lose feelings so fast? I have recently told him that I want to take a break from sex but stay friends and I’m hoping that this distancing will give him a chance to miss me but I don’t know if it will work. I have made the mistake in the past of being too available and not allowing him to come forward although I feel like he would if I allowed him too. Is anyone else in the same situation? I feel like I made the right decision about stopping sex but I’m not sure.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 6:26pm

  44. 44: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I told K I would let him know when I was leaving town. It turns out I can’t leave this week as originally planned. I feel weird reaching out to let him know this. I also really want to meet Divorced Guy. This feels confusing…

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 6:36pm

  45. 45: KimNo Gravatar says:

    It’s funny how a little competition can stir men up.

    MoM has been in steady contact with me, my old CD and one time exclusive dating partner..who sometimes I might not hear from for a day or two. Now he is constantly in contact since he realised without offering me a commitment, he won’t have me to himself. He keens asking me whether I am ‘at home’ or whether I am ‘seeing’ other men.
    I feel surprised but also sad. In a year’s time nothing inspired him as much to step up, as losing me to another man.
    Losing me seemingly was ok. Losing me to another man not so much.
    Go figure.

    Deep down he knows I am not feeling it for him anymore, i guess. He has even hassled me to book us some activity for Saturday….I forgot and he was disappointed. How odd.
    Soe thing he would never have done before…

    Anyway. It is all an open game, but I am baffled by men’s behavior sometimes. Truly.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 6:58pm

  46. 46: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Marikab… It is my guess that T is simply living his life. There is no strategy he is just simply being.

    The little bit of the song…. it stirs feeling of expecting, pain in your life. Kinda like it mentally prepares and holds a place in your life for it. What is something that would flip that and make it like a foreign language that your heart cant understand, or identify with?

    That would feel good to read.

    xo

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 7:40pm

  47. 47: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Kim)))) – I totally get where you are coming from. You want a man who wants you all the time, not just when other men are paying attention…

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 7:47pm

  48. 48: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kim remember the word “win”

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 7:52pm

  49. 49: KimNo Gravatar says:

    FW..yes I do LOL.
    ;)

    And yes, IamHis…I am convinced ‘my man’ would pursue me and ask me out even without me getting set upon by other men…

    :)

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 8:00pm

  50. 50: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I no longer will be exclusive with men who see me less than they don’t. I get insecure, too, when I only see a guy 2 or 3 times a week. I feel unsure about his long term feelings, too. That’s normal. I’m not a clinger for that reason. When I’m exclusive next, it will be with someone I see almost every single day and talk to all the time. That’s my deal. If a guy thinks it’s excessive, then we won’t be exclusive, now will we?

    I just know, though, that when I meet The One, we will get there relatively quickly, and it won’t matter. He will naturally want to spend all his time with me, and me with him. And when we need some space, we’ll say so. End of story, not complicated at all.

    It feels good to have gone through all the song and dance of using feeling messages and leaning back to gently get men to pay more attention to me and feel more attracted to me, but I’ve come out the other side deciding that with the right guy, I won’t have to do any of that. The dance is draining and not for me, so if I find myself in that dance of pining, that is the #1 sign I should not be exclusive.

    I know so much about how to lean back and be a siren naturally at this point, that I don’t think I risk pushing the right guy for me away. Just pushing away guys that would have disappeared eventually anyway.

    But hey, I’m looking for my true soul mate, and not jut anyone who can do the job, so that makes it easy for me to move along from guys who are obviously not it.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 8:15pm

  51. 51: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    One guy recently got very defensive about his time without my ever having said anything. When he couldn’t respond, he would tell me “i’m not ignoring you!” and be in damage control mode right away. Uhhh, I never felt ignored. And when I mentioned I didn’t want to endlessly bond with a stranger without meeting (cuz that’s creepy and dangerous, honestly), and i noticed he started distancing himself from meeting when he had been so enthusiastic at first so I need to walk away, he gave me quite a speech like we had been dating for months and I was being clingy. “I work 55-60 hours a week and can’t come home to you every night.” “i don’t like to text and talk all day long,” “you deserve to be priority number one but i can’t give you that right now.” Uhhhh, what? We’ve talked for 3 days, dude! I don’t even know you! What the what??

    I asked him if he was used to demanding women. He said yes (obviously). I never responded after that even though he wanted to meet still. Nice guy otherwise, and maybe one day we will meet organically in our small world of a city, and no hard feelings at all, but dang that got intense and confusing quickly!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 8:25pm

  52. 52: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Purple. My daughter recently was seeing a man who diligently pursued a relationship with her for several weeks only to break things off with her abruptly. It was so hard to see her hurt. Ok… then go on with your life dude… and leave her alone .. but no …he kept contacting her and each time it would fan the embers in her heart for him.

    I encouraged her to stop responding but she didnt. She did not want to let go and she kept herself attached in this loop. She finally did cut communication and closed it down in her heart and moved on. She did not start doing better and move forward with her best interest first until she did that.

    Please look into what you want. What kind of relationship you need . What would a relationship you want feel like. Be your best friend and safe place. If it were me stop responding for a season at the very least.

    xo

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 8:52pm

  53. 53: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    A never contacted me at all about going out tonight. Honestly, this has litterally never happened before. Going on a couple of dates, I felt we connected, he was a gentleman, and then sex, and then he asks me out and blows me off. Is this the results of POF? I’m just saying…

    I’m not so sure it’s a good thing for me. The idea was to get myself out there so I wouldn’t get into withdrawing and feeling closed off because of how bad I felt about the way things went with S, but this just feels like someone litterally ordered me for dinner and spat me out. I do not ever want this to happen again, EVER.

    Part of me wants to go off the site immediately. One guy sort of asked me out then never responded, another guy just wrote me a second time. He seems interesting, but there are pictures with him with other women, he describes the way he makes love, and he also puts a little dig in the profile about how he doesn’t want to go out with women who are in relationships.

    Would staying on this site just be more of the same? The only men who aren’t a total joke, well are they looking just for sex?

    I mean seriously I’m getting several messages a day from men who feel like the equivalent of the creepy drunk guy at the bar who is bothering me, and I want to go home and cuddle with my dog. That is what I mean by I want to go off the site. But I don’t want to shut myself off with my anger, just a bit shell shocked here and afraid to continue.

    What’s a girl to do?

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:06pm

  54. 54: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like the healthier and in balance I am the easier it is to see things that are not going to fit into my life and to let them go. This feels invaluable to me.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:06pm

  55. 55: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Another thing is I’m really slow with emails, and this is all over the computer, POF I mean, and I feel afraid to contact men if they wrote me a while ago, because so far a lot of them get really angry that I didn’t reply right away, and it frightens me.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:07pm

  56. 56: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Starla… My youngest daughter is currently on match. She was pretty tenative with it a first but she is quickly coming up to speed with it all. He attitude is greatly improved about it all.

    Her inbox is busy to say the least and she is sharing her experiences with me. She has met a couple of guys already and had 2 dates with one. One guy who she had a bit of interest keep contacting her… asking for her number and want to meet. She agreed only to have him cancel on her 3 times 3 days in a row!

    After the third cancelation she said she got a text from the guy who was dying to meet her… and going to convince her that love at first sight really happens saying that she and he were going to have to go their seperate ways! LOL Her words were jeeze mom I got guys breaking up with me that I am not even met! LOL We had a really good laugh over it.

    Still kinda scratching my head over that one. haha

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:36pm

  57. 57: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Violette, reading your comments really resonated with me. It made me realize that when I feel desperate for mr right, I get so drained and upset by anyone who isn’t him. If I didn’t feel desperate for the right connection, I would not even get triggered and just laugh it off and say next, and leave my profile up until someone interesting comes along. I am going to work on this.

    Also, don’t worry about that guy who isn’t stepping up. It just didn’t work out, no biggie. I’ll tell you what’s happening… he’s not the one rejecting you; you’re dumping HIM without a word because he doesn’t stay in touch or make interesting plans, and that’s boring and you’re not interested. :D He was cute and good for a romp and now he must be on his way cuz he’s lame :):)

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:38pm

  58. 58: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Linda that is hilarious. Thank you for sharing :)

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 9:43pm

  59. 59: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I don’t know if I feel bummed right now because I feel desperate for Mr Right, I just feel very wary of POF, and what these men are after, or have to offer, and I don’t want to put myself out there like fresh bait. Seriously this feels really ghetto what has happened to me and I don’t know if I’m wise to respond to more men or if they are all unsafe on this site.

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 10:17pm

  60. 60: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I think booty calls come from corner of the universe. From your next door neighbor to men miles away. If that’s what they want, that’s what they will project onto you. I had a relatively good experience on POF, I met a guy that really wanted a relationship, too much actually, to the point where I felt like he wanted it more than he actually wanted ME. I wouldn’t discriminate against one dating site more than the other.

    Side note…So I have the fan on in my bedroom and the lights out, just the glow of my computer. I had my hair pinned up and it was hurting, so I let it down and shook my waves out, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked at myself and thought, “Wow, I’m beautiful.” The way the light is hitting my face and hair, the fan gently blowing. I thought “It’s too bad I’m only the one here to appreciate this.” But then I thought, why is it too bad?!!! I constantly go back to this idea that the universe is telling me to love myself, that this time in my life is for ME, to spend time with me, to cherish these moments of aloneness, because they won’t be here forever. I’m not alone, I have me to look back at my own reflection and smile. I have me to appreciate myself and love me. Maybe that’s all I need to do right now.

    I’m constantly frustrated with the men around me, with the lack of the “right men.” In fact I’m getting fed up with feeling rejected and disregarded by men around me, especially by Mechanic. That whole thing with my ex really lit the fire in terms of anger. And now I feel angry about the situation with Mechanic too. I just don’t need to “invest” for lack of a better word in anything he does. I’m making myself miserable worrying about a man who doesn’t deserve me in the first place. And this is what my ex is really showing me. He’s shown me his TRUE, core colors now, after all these years where I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he was really a bad person all along. (Bad to me is dishonest, lack of integrity, and extremely careless of others) I cut him out with vigor and maybe I need to live my life with more vigor, more decisionmaking about what I want. Mechanic will never be a man to give me what I want, so why don’t I live vigorously and change how I feel? How he treats me is 1% this huge, gigantic, ocean of feeling and life and I don’t need to feel any emotional thread tied to it. It’s kind of crazy, how this whole thing with my ex is really making me want to live with full integrity and vigor. I feel too good for these men right now and the idea of stooping to their level feels out of the question. I feel like I have everything, and yet I’ve been living letting him hold my emotions in his hand, whether he is aware of it or not. It’s exhausting, and there is no reason for me to deal with it anymore. I choose not to. I choose not to take on this tangle of negativity. I think distance is the answer because I’m not finding any Mr. might be right in the pool I’m swimming in now…

    Just a vent!

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 10:54pm

  61. 61: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Violette I guess where I see my own desperation is in feeling like live bait to be hurt myself, like I can’t say no because what if i say no to the guy who ends up being mr right? So I am essentially the one who makes myself live bait to be hurt or disappointed or turned off, etc. Maybe I would feel better about online dating if I just thought of it as a bridge I’m leaving out for Mr. Right to come find me. Maybe I will say as much in my profile, like…. “The only reason I have this profile up is to be able to connect with someone who is perfect for me, so I feel better being picky about who I respond to here. There are so many great men on this site, and it’s always felt so nice to hear from all of you even if I haven’t written back. I don’t know why POF men have gotten such a bad rap when all I’ve ever gotten from you guys is courtesy and kindness and even some lovely chivalry. I really don’t think men get enough credit for being wonderful.”

    Violette, thank you for all the inspiration tonight! You really got me looking at a part of myself I wasn’t aware of, even if it turns out you don’t identify with it at all! I really appreciate you, siren <3

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:09pm

  62. 62: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel weird about my coworkers seeing me on a dating site, though, and judging me as portraying myself too highly! funny NV, eh?

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:19pm

  63. 63: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((April Rose))))

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:49pm

  64. 64: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple 24,

    I have noticed that men who are not fully in touch with their feelings or confused about what they want from a relationship, often use text as a way to keep in touch, to feel you… to let you know they still care or are thinking of you… even though it’s not remotely enough for you. It’s not all bad, but I do think if it feels difficult or hurtful for you (as it would for most anyone) that you need to put a boundary in place.

    He’s asked for space, so I think at least a week or two of no contact, and very likely more than that, would be a good idea.

    *hugs*

    Monday, 4 August 2014 @ 11:54pm

  65. 65: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Violette… I used to have several feelings about dating websites like I you are expressing. One of the people that helped me address my attitudes and cast a new light on the whole arena was Mark Evan Katz. I highly reccomend checking out his information. He helped me see that POF and other dating sites are nothing more than a tool. Its a big box of single people. What other type of thing would afford you the possiblity to meet soooo many possible relationship canidates.

    If I were building a house I would use a hammer. That hammer could hurt me if I hit my thumb with it or dropped it on my foot. I am in control of the hammer…just like I am in control of the use of the website(s). There is a chance I could hit my thumb but I am gonna do my best to make sure that doesnt happen.

    The generalization or assumption that the intent of all the men on POF is to take hurtful advantage and are preditors… is a pretty wide brush stroke of limiting presumption . It is always good to exercise good safe dating practices and discernment no matter where we meet men… bar, grocery, gas station, website.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 4:48am

  66. 66: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Marika B))))

    I identify so much with how you’re feeling. SO much.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 6:56am

  67. 67: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Marika B….hmmmmm.
    For one, men do not think like we do. If they are busy, working or focusing on a task, it moght well not occur to them to shoot that two second text. We are sooooo different.
    I know I am.

    Secondly, about that whole priority thing. Really, I believe ‘complications’ can also be an excuse, or a welcome barrier to intimacy, from both sides.
    I had a complication, and still have, mainly I might not be able to stay here…this only mattered to the men with commitment or intimacy issues. The masculine alpha males just looked for solutions to the complication. Typically, if a man can do relationship and wants you, they find any complications less threatening or scary than we do, in my experience anyways.

    The whole priority thing, well it depends. Sometimes men are on a mission with their work, and they forget about us. Though it shouldn’t always be like this, I certainly had this happening numerous times in my life.
    Yes, in the case of SDT, who is majorly occupied with his work right now, I could think negative thoughts, i e doesn’t want to see me, is dating other women etc. who knows.
    Point is how we fill our time and where we direct our thoughts.
    In my case I date various guys, some just for coffee/drinks, my ex CD I just spent the weekend with..and the more I get busy enjoying myself, the more guys I attract.
    So I wonder how it would work for you if you just try to focus on other stuff than receiving the next text, and focus on things you like to do, or trying to get some men into your rotation…IDK. That’s what I would do.
    In the end, it won’t matter so much whether one guy comes through or not…men come and go.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 7:09am

  68. 68: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Yes Indigo…you do have a way with words. Thank you. I have not heard from H since that 3am text sunday morning. Having a hard time, not sleeping, no appetite. Good thing is I’m down 7lbs. Yay

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 7:09am

  69. 69: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Thanks Sophie…26

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 7:15am

  70. 70: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I’m just not getting H’s reasons for the “break”. All of his responsibilities/obligations are basically the same as they’ve been for the last three yrs. The only differences are he had one kid graduate this yr and going to college this yr and will have the other kid graduate next yr and go to college next yr. And he bought a rental property. I know he is freakn out about the college stuff. Wants to make sure his kids keep on track. I get that…but. I think I’m feeling like there’s more to it. Maybe his feelings for me aren’t that strong. Maybe I was too clingy and needy. Idk. I’m freakn out again today. Bleh! Ugh!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 7:39am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    A 3 am text prplpsn to say he needs a break after 3 yrs? I believe that says a lot about what is going on in his mind.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 8:38am

  72. 72: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    K’s frequency of communication feels really good. He texts me every couple of days & I don’t feel smothered or neglected, which it’s usually one of the two.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 8:40am

  73. 73: nyxNo Gravatar says:

    @prpl

    He texts you because he misses you. Being/feeling lonely scares men, too. They ask for “a break” not knowing the consequences. Had a guy doing this with me- I refused to acknowledge his texting as it was his choice to take a break. Told him the distance was what he wanted/requested, so he should stick to it, not try something half-…

    Did it out of feeling hurt and proud, but it did work like a charm. He was back, full on, within a few days. The hotelthingy you planned was awesome :) I’ll learn from you :)

    @ Marikab- nothing to make you feel paranoid like being infatuated. Breathe… ;) Till he is quiet for waaaaaaaaaaaay longer- don’t worry ;) from what you write, he does seem to stay in touch.

    @FW- thanks :) will let this soothe my own paranoia, while working on CD-ing.

    I keep reading and learning from all of you sirens’s posts. Thank you to all of you :)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 8:49am

  74. 74: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 70 Thats right nyx.

    Got an email from a coach who says the only text to send to a man when he asks for a break is:-

    “I just wanted to tell you that you were right about the breakup & sometimes when things happen, they happen for a reason. Maybe this was good for both of us. A lot of exciting things have been happening in my life lately, will love to tell you about it sometime. Also, I wanted to thank you for everything. Thanks a lot!”

    Seems very similar to some of what I have heard from Rori.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 8:56am

  75. 75: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis#69
    Ohhhh… what a good reminder…
    I do start feeling smothered really easily!!!
    but Spiritcd keeps in touch almost everyday and then lets a few days go by…
    It really is PERFECT for me…
    :->
    BUT you know how my NV start nagging…
    so glad you reminded me… I need space too…
    oxoxo

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:06am

  76. 76: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    nyx…
    LOVE what you are saying…
    asking for a break scares men too!!!
    Yes it does…
    alot of times they are just as confused as we are about why they are feeling they need a break, feeling overwhelmed with work, family & Sirens!!

    And we need to move forward with our lives as they take that break…
    they are taking care of their lives.
    They expect us to do the same.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:11am

  77. 77: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    FW…I think you misunderstood. He didn’t text me at 3am to tell me he needed a break. We talked on friday in person which is when he said he needed a break. Then sat night we had contact thru text in which I broke out of the conversation. So then at 3am he sent a text asking where I went.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:13am

  78. 78: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    aaahh FW. So do you see how right nyx is and how you really need to give him what he wants?

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:17am

  79. 79: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Thanks nyx. I plan on saying that to him should I hear from him again. I haven’t yet.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:20am

  80. 80: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Look at this from a coach

    ” Can you guess the similarity between a dog and a
    breakup?

    Well if you are still scratching your head, here
    is the answer – Have you ever heard the analogy
    that a hungry dog never gets fed?

    I bet you have, and there is where the similarity
    comes in…

    Just like a hungry dog, a hungry person never
    gets their ex back.

    As humans we are very scared of having something
    taken away from us.

    It could be something as simple as our freedom,
    power to choose etc.

    So when you are super hungry to get your ex back,
    you will naturally send out this really hungry
    vibe.

    Your ex will intuitively know that you are like a
    hungry dog who wants take…take…and take more from
    their life.

    And as a result they would put their defenses up
    and avoid you more.”

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:20am

  81. 81: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    FW…I have been giving him what he wants. I have not reached out to him.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:24am

  82. 82: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE prplpsn28 it would be great if you could try to do that also with your mind. Focus your attention on you and feeling good and try to forget about him.

    Put yourself squarely in the position of power. If you do think about him it should be something like pulling the pedestal from under him and watching him fall on his backsi!de.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:27am

  83. 83: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When your mind drifts to him use the stop sign tool

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:28am

  84. 84: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Yes FW…I have seen that from coaches as well. I understand the ‘no contact’ rule. Getting my mind away from him seems to be very difficult.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:33am

  85. 85: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Guess I am lucky in that both of my main CD’s are in contact with me every day right now. To me that builds the connection.

    I notice that the wildchild always has the last word/text, even if there is nothing more to say. Could just be a smiley face. He starts the conversation up again also, I don’t even think about reaching out – I wouldn’t and I don’t need to. This feels good.

    Old CD MoM has changed also, he is contacting me and calling me at least once a day…even though he lets long periods go by, he is making a lot of effort, more than ever …

    Kind of nice. I like it like that.
    :)
    The other CD’s not so much, so I don’t feel connected much.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:38am

  86. 86: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim…
    Is that the “orbiting” cds you’re not feeling as connected to…. LOL

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:50am

  87. 87: KimNo Gravatar says:

    AB – exactly, the orbiters around my planet…lol

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:05am

  88. 88: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    ((( MarikaB)))
    Darling Siren… You’re doing GREAT!!!

    Here is a gentle reminder from Rori on the last thread…
    “And, for me, Circular Dating is the way to get clarity on all those questions.

    Intimacy is a terrifying thing for most of us. It’s a condition where we get closer emotionally to another person than we’re used to – and closer than we think we can bear.

    It takes bravery and practice to go outside our comfort zones.

    And I know this for sure: If we women cave into our fears and insecurities and start demanding a level of intimacy a man is not ready to handle – we lose.

    If, instead, we work on our OWN fear of intimacy, open our hearts to allow a man in, with as much warmth as possible whenever he DOES venture in close – and use Circular Dating to stay sane and centered and self-appreciative while the process is unfolding – we have a huge chance of having what we truly want with a man.”

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 11:06am

  89. 89: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim #82
    This is sounding lovely for YOU!!!

    Two Cds that you like, keeping you surrounded with
    love and adoration…
    on YOUR pedestal!!

    It is good to be KIM!!
    :0 )

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 11:10am

  90. 90: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    marikab I am thinking all of this is almost like your way of distracting yourself from really taking care of you, your life and your situation. He does know intutively what is going on inside you even though he might not be around you all the time. I think right now your best course of action is in sorting out your own life. It might seem romatic to be wishing and hoping he had married you, but is it really?

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 11:44am

  91. 91: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all….I’ve been gone for a while….and I will update everyone soon – there has been a lot going on – quickly – Feminine Woman – what is the coach that gave you that quote for breaking up/space? I’m totally itnerested! Thanks!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:02pm

  92. 92: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Eh. I feel irritated.
    Wildchild and I sorta had plans to meet and do something in the afternoon.
    He said he would call after a morning meeting for work, which started early and was due to finish before mid-day.
    Haven’t heard a peep…it is now almost 3:30pm.
    Okkkkkk….I hate sloppy planning.
    I am about to take myself out in about half an hour.
    Tough luck kiddo. Gotta say what you do and do what you say.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:20pm

  93. 93: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I’ve heard some coaches say that you should let your ex know that your dating and should make sure you keep them on your social networks and post positive stuff and let them know your ok and having fun. Couldn’t this backfire tho. Wouldn’t they then think your ok without them and then they back off even more?

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:20pm

  94. 94: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Purple. I wouldn’t play games like that. I used to but now feel better taking my energy elsewhere…I don’t care what past lovers see or don’t see on my social media accounts….I also am not friends on fb with any of my current CD’s. Cuts down on drama and lets me post what I want to post without wondering what they will think…
    Freedom!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:25pm

  95. 95: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Elsie. Good to see your name.

    Ryan Hall

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:34pm

  96. 96: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    prplpsn they could also think that you are playing games to make them feel jealous. It is strategy that could likely work for a short while but I am not so sure it would work for long.

    If they do find out without you DOING and expecting anything it could create mystery. In other words they thought they knew you but now because you are living rather than sitting around pining for them they in turn become curious. And because of human nature they might end up wanting what they can’t have. YOU.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:38pm

  97. 97: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman – I cant seem to find him – does he have a website? :)

    Also – I saw that exfactorguide.com – anyone have any experience with that? just curious since someone mentioned it on here :)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:42pm

  98. 98: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim…
    I feel disappointed that wildcd dropped his plans with you…
    :-/

    I love what you are sharing about how you handle your social media with your cds… totally cuts out the drama!!
    Yay YOU!

    I don’t friend any of my cds either… but my age group, the men aren’t really into facebook so its’ fine!!

    I agree with you about Purplpsn’s post…
    it does sound like game playing..
    Rori says we need to concentrate on cding and healing our issues and LOVING us MORE!!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:44pm

  99. 99: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.pullyourexback.me/

    I haven’t bought any of his products, just subscribe to the emails.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:45pm

  100. 100: TaneaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello,
    Ladies I posted in the last blog on dating younger/older and didn’t get much feedback. I have 2 guys interested in dating me. One is 17 or 18 years older and the other is 12 years older. What do yall think on dating so much older? Ive had younger guys approach me to but not sure about that either.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:45pm

  101. 101: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my. Lol.
    I got this disgruntled text just as I was bkow-drying my hair to head out, saying ‘do you still want to do something? I haven’t heard from you!’
    LOL.
    Apparently, he forgot that he said he would call me after his meeting and was expecting to hear from me.
    How funny.
    30 minutes later and I’d have been gone…
    ;)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:46pm

  102. 102: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding the fb thing Azure, I guess if I am exclusive with someone, I would like HIM to add me etc on fb, but at the same time I would worry about tye potential drama.
    I would like, however, a man who wants to make no secret of me and is happy to tell all the world about our relationship…and I guess these days fb is part of that.
    I have had so much drama with CD’s snooping on my fb that it turned me off. And I wouldn’t want to use it for games or getting an ex back.
    He will come back or not.
    Whether I post stuff on fb or not – makes zero difference. That’s how I feel anyway.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:50pm

  103. 103: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tanea how do you feel about doing that?

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:53pm

  104. 104: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Elsie!!

    What’s happening with you??

    I’ve been so curious.

    Hugs.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:54pm

  105. 105: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim,
    Ohhhh!!! yay!! have fun with Wildcd!!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:56pm

  106. 106: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Tanea as long as it feels good.
    Depends. I am almost 40 and briefly dated a 25 and 27 year old, and also a 62 year old (don’t judge lol).
    None of those worked out for reasons other as well as reasons connected to the age. The young guys thought it was exciting being with an older woman, but to me it was boring as I realised they just wanted to get physical so I dropped them.
    I am really happy to be dating people my age now. MoM is 5 years older and wildchild a few months younger and it’s really great actually.
    I see no reason why age differences can’t work out though.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 12:58pm

  107. 107: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Tanea,
    regarding the age difference…
    My thoughts are that it is totally up to each person…

    My daughter met her husband (11 yrs together)
    She was 21 and he is 17 years older than her…
    I was soooo upset… But it has worked out..
    they love each other dearly…
    She has always had girl friends that were older…
    and she has a very mature soul…
    I’m such a proud mother!!!!!!!

    for me I have never been attracted to older men…
    even when i was younger… they couldn’t keep up with me… :-))
    I look younger, soo younger men have usually been attracted to me…

    even right now… i’m dating guys 2 years younger and 5 years younger… Soo fun and frisky!! ;->

    What has been your preference?

    I don’t want them too young either… cause then I start feeling old…
    I’m pretty vain,,,, I guess… :-0

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:04pm

  108. 108: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    I’m playful and silly and older guys aren’t usually attracted to that!!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:05pm

  109. 109: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu, lucky you!! :)
    I also look a lot younger, and when men over 60 approach me, thinking I am even younger than I am, I almost feel a little grossed out by it lol.
    I even had the 27 year old make himself older..lol…when he realised my real age, he said he was 37….imagine the shock, at the time we met he was only 25…12 years younger than me. And I subsequentky saw him with girls that could have been my daughters…lol.
    All good fun, I say ;)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:11pm

  110. 110: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Bob Grant

    What are some signs of a tendency to give too much?

    Bob says that these thoughts can go through a woman’s mind:

    “I must call him.”

    “I must write to him.”

    “If only I could give something to him.”

    “If I could just tell him how I feel.”

    “If I could just get him to talk about how he feels.”

    “If only he could understand me.”

    “If only I could understand him.”

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:13pm

  111. 111: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim…
    That’s right… I remember you look younger also!!! Lucky us!! :->

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:23pm

  112. 112: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    If you say, “I’m feeling really stressed. I’ve been doing some inner work and it’s not helping. Could you help me explore what this stress is about?”, then your intent is to learn. You want to take responsibility for your own feelings and you want help in doing so. The other person may or may not be able or willing to help you, but your statement is not a pull on them to take care of your feelings.

    However, if you just say, “I’m feeling really stressed,” and you don’t ask for help or tell the other person what you are going to do about it, then the statement is a pull on the other person to take responsibility for your feelings. The other person might feel demanded of and engulfed by the statement and withdraw, or they may feel irritated and get parental and judgmental with you.

    Here is another common example: Someone gets angry with you and says some unloving things. Instead of seeing that the other person’s unloving behavior is his or her issue, you take it personally and feel hurt. You feel upset with them for hurting you and then you tell them your feelings, saying, “I feel hurt by what you said.” Your intent in telling them your feelings is to make them responsible for your feelings. They may respond with, “That’s your problem!” or get defensive and explain their behavior to you, justifying their unloving behavior. In either case, you do not feel better. The other person might apologize and you feel better for the moment, but the real issue of you taking things personally has not been addressed, and you will continue to be a victim of others’ behavior.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3825/when-its-loving-to-share-your-feelingsand-when-its-not.html

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:24pm

  113. 113: TaneaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies my ex is 5 years younger and yes we had some GREAT times together. He don’t act like a jitty bug and that was a plus to me! His ex was a lot older than him and I dont think he had much fun with her! She was 17 years older and has a son his age!!! imagine that! But the guy thats 12 years older than I am still have a little “spunk”. Im 34 and he’s 46. I really didnt wanna get into the 40s right now being that im only 34. Ilike going dancing and doing lots of other fun things and once most people reach a certain age they are ready to sit down! NOT ME!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:36pm

  114. 114: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Tanea,
    Yessss… 34 is way to young to doing too much “sitting down”
    :->

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 1:56pm

  115. 115: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I so felt triggered by that note to Rori. It felt like a full-on angry attack.
    I understand wanting to meet someone who doesn’t just want to have sex, but the fact that lots of people online want to have sex isn’t Rori’s fault…I feel for Rori getting this message, even though I know she’s a strong woman and can probably handle it.
    I suppose I need to work on my defensiveness. That’s been a bit out of control for me lately…I go, “Whaddaya mean, blah-blah-blah-blah???!!!” :P

    Bu focusing on the Jon the no-meat-market part, I like OkCupid. I met J on there, and it has test questions to judge statistically where you are in all departments of your personality, i.e., sexual, romantic, work, home, children, religion, politics, etc…it says if you are browsing a person’s profile who might be more highly driven by sex than you, you can avoid it by checking to see if their sexual drive score is higher than yours – but keep in mind, there are always going to be highly sexually driven people online, unless you join a christian website like equally yoked.

    On a personal note, me being highly sexually driven, I want to make it happen with my guy who is always kind of in a floppy, slumpy mood. Since J has mentioned that his type of female is one who, say, if they are in a social setting, and they exchange flirty smiles, he will want her to be the bold one, and come up to him/make the first move; that’s his type of woman. For some reason I think his laid-back attitude is incredibly hot and I honestly love coming to him sometimes, but I wonder how feminine I can make the process. If I casually say, “hey, wanna watch a sexy movie”, do you think I could manage a similar situation with initiating sex? Leigha said this actually may work for me because that’s how it is with J and I, I’m the one with the drive that can’t be stopped, and he is the calm one, lol. I wonder if I said, hey can we watch a sexy movie together, if maybe he might be open to it. It will have to flow I will have to be relaxed. I have been so uppity even bein touched lately, it will definitely help to loosen up; glass of wine, bath, yoga…we will see what happens.

    Any ladies who would like to comment – say, on how it feels if you aren’t necessarily in the mood, and your guy, being the one who initiates, says “hey wanna watch a sexy movie?” How do you feel? Do you feel pressured and unsure, open to the idea like it isn’t a big deal, or closed off very immediately? I’m very interested to know because since J is a very feminine guy, maybe some of the ladies here might feel how he feels when I’m like a horn-ball and he just wants to relax. It’s a common thing for us ladies to say “Not tonight honey, I’ve got a headache.” I think I’ve even said it before…lol!

    I am feeling a similar floppy feeling in that yes, I will get turned on if there is a trigger, like touches, but if nothing happens I have nothing to build off of…could be how he is.

    Just feeling outside the box…and feeling kind of hopeful that I’ve just had the answer under my nose about it this whole time and maybe just a relaxed attitude is all that is needed, with a tiny bit of a spark to start it all again…kind of exciting actually…I love the idea of possibilities and hopefulness…

    Anyhoo, I got the sink fixed and the apartment sprayed for bugs and I have a makeover/reveal planned at the end of the month! So excited…Pixie haircut….bringing back the asymmetrical haircut for a power-look ! :)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 2:23pm

  116. 116: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    PS – Sorry, many typos there in that last one…meant to say focusing on the no-meat-market part, lol.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 2:24pm

  117. 117: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Laila – Great question – and this is one of the rules you have to set for yourself. I see sex as completely independent of “dating” exclusivity. Because exclusivity (I’m not talking about “sexual exclusivity” – that’s another rule entirely…), for me, is the much BIGGER piece of this whole thing. If you’re not having sex with anyone else, and you can see having sex with him and then sending him home – fine. If you can’t, then – you simply “don’t feel ready to have sex with him and then send him home…” You may change your mind with another man at another time. You get to make your rules as you go, case-by-case, man-by-man if you like! No one gets to make these rulesbut YOU – and they need to be based on how you feel – not what you “think.” Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 2:29pm

  118. 118: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sue – I know this is hard for most women – but sex has absolutely nothing to do with it. If you withhold sex but then put out the “vibe” of “wanting” him – you’ll do yourself in anyway. Circular Dating is the cure for everything!!! Withholding sex will only help you if it helps YOU feel stronger, and then you put THAT vibe out. It will have absolutely no effect on his decision-making or his heart. Yeah, it might make him try harder for a bit – but then that will fade.Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 2:32pm

  119. 119: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy, 120. I was in your shoes, so I am very prejudiced. But not feeling enough sexual energy coming toward you from your man is a sign of 1 of 2 things to me – he’s either not a match for you sexually, or you’re not feeling secure enough in the relationship with him as a whole and the way you convince yourself that he is into you enough to quiet your inner voice about it is to have him sleep with you (because you reason with yourself that he wouldn’t sleep with you if he didn’t want you, which temporary soothes your insecurities, like a hit of crack). No amount of sexual strategizing and initiating on your part is going to fix either situation in a sustainable fashion. All you can do is wait it out, honestly, and see what happens. I don’t know if you’ve been exclusive or together long, but I think it’s important to start thinking of if this is something you could see yourself doing for the next 20 years, instead of thinking about how you can settle for something that isn’t working for you. I think we start focusing our energy on making “settling” work when there’s an insecurity in us that worries no other good men that we are hot for will also want us back and be in relationships.

    You say the guy is very feminine energy, especially about sex, so you want to know if there’s a way you can bend your own energy to deal with it. Let me ask you something — are YOU excited about being masculine energy? Is that what you want to be? I get the sense that’s just not you, from what I read in your comment and in your desire to keep things as feminine for yourself as possible. So why are YOU bending YOURSELF? What about a man who would bend himself to accommodate who YOU naturally are… so that you can always express yourself to the fullest? To me the way you describe it feels like he is (inadvertently) making you smaller than you are by having you put a lid on your sexuality and approach it cleverly to keep the peace.

    You seem so sweet and kind and accommodating, and I just think you’re selling yourself short, honey!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 3:35pm

  120. 120: JaneNo Gravatar says:

    I will permanently call that site “Plenty of Sharks,” because that’s all I met on there… including my sociopath ex-husband. There are plenty of dating sites that attract high-quality men, in part because they ask for more time and financial investment from users. This one sucks!!!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 3:41pm

  121. 121: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie I sent you a fb message! You might have to check your “other” folder to see it.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 3:42pm

  122. 122: SueNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori, I guess I better stay strong for me then :-) hopefully there are some dates around the corner!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 3:59pm

  123. 123: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    MarikaB…that made me laugh. Maybe I should try that. I’m so obsessed with my phone I drive myself nuts.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 4:56pm

  124. 124: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel pleased at the moment as my Cd wave has come back. I am having a first date with the coach I met last week on thursday. He has been texting me a few times and inviting me already to join him to a party and I find his many texts as a bit of a turn off – well I am not into him, I just like him and I guess if they would be from a man I fancy I would be very pleased, but still I wouldn’t have gone to the party with him tonight.
    There is another younger men who has been trying to get hold of me but I always missed his calls and today I met him at the gym and we chatted he asking me about going out etc and how I am and I mentioned that I was on a date when I missed his call.
    Both of them know now that I am dating and that I am intimate with another man, that I am not in a relationship and that I am open to dating other man.
    And I do wonder if both of them will come through with still wanting to date me as I have told them I want to get to know them very slowly and both of them know that I have sex with another. So I am wondering…
    Maybe its not such a good idea to be so open?
    I feel so its important to know that i am dating.
    ANd if they ask if I am intimate, I donÄt want to lie.

    G-Cd has been in touch too and I have been backing off. I did mistunderstand him and it triggered some past experience with my ex and I retreated to process stuff. He was very caring so and called me this morning.

    I am planning also to active a profile on Pof again. I have never been on a more exclisive and expensive dating site but I believe on those sites are man that are more serious about finding there match. On the cheaper or free ones there are moer guys who are dating around always open for a sexual experience. it doesn’t mean that they are not looking for their match, their are just not that focused and serius about it.
    I know one man who has I dated myself and who has become a friend who has been on Pof for years, he is also on tinder and he sometimes dates 3 women on one day and he has a lot of sex with different girls, but he is looking for his one…well!

    I don’t feel inspired to commit myself for paying 40 dollars for 12 month just for a dating site – this is what the exclusive site would cost. On this site one can not see any images of the men who are on it before you commit to it, so this was another reason why I didn’t want to go on there…

    I also feel Pof is know quiet well and as its an international site there seem to be more interesting people on there than on a local site – at least the one in my city.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:00pm

  125. 125: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I ment 40 dolalrs per month for a minimum of 12 month. If one only wants to use it for 6 month is 60 or sthg like that.

    As the cding is more or less free therapy I do not take the dating site so serious.
    I believe the law of attraction is in perfect operation, and probably the christian women had issues around sex, that’s why she attracted the men she did.

    I feel very happy so that most if not all of my dates in my current CD rotation wave are men I met in real life and not over a dating site.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:09pm

  126. 126: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla… You comment to Mandy is pretty insightful.

    Your question to Mandy … is this something you can see yourself doing 20 years from now… oh that is a good one.

    I recently walked away from a relationship that had some good elements to it but I could not see myself wanting to bend to or make fit 20 years from now.

    A co worker and I were talking and she knew a bit about the difficulites I was encountering. She said.. “Hey the sex might be good now but you know that stuff fades and then you are left with the man behind the d!ck.” It sent a deep reality jolt thru me. Sooo true.

    the thought of trying to bend and accomodate and settle made me sick to my stomach. I want an easy flowing… good for me relationship. He was not “my man”

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:18pm

  127. 127: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Circular DATING is the cure for everything!!! Withholding sex will only help you if it helps YOU feel stronger, and then you put THAT vibe out. It will have absolutely no effect on his decision-making or his heart. Yeah, it might make him try harder for a bit – but then that will fade.Love, Rori

    This feels very good to read – I am focusing on feeling more cool, listening to roris programms, cding, my work, my creative projects…putting out the strong vibe :)

    and yes holding out might make him try harde for a bit – but than will fade out.

    I have exprienced this very extremely in my last ‘imaginary’ relationship. I waited for 7 weeks or so, and than once we had sex , i think he didn’t even call the next day even so he was in constant contact with me before and somehow his whole manner changed as well. He basically put on an act, a facade on before and than his attentiveness faded out.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:28pm

  128. 128: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    and focusing mainly on doing the inner work, wanting to be more vulnerable.

    Indigo I remember your post from the last thread,
    you crying in the shopping centre , when the door closed on you….
    so beautiful that you are so humble to your feelings…
    I felt sooo inspired by this…and I want to be as open and humble so that my stuff can come up and healing can happen.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:32pm

  129. 129: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel kind of nervous because it feels so so good talking to K. He hasn’t dated a lot, either. Just had one serious relationship and I feel so safe and comfortable talking to him about anything. So why do I feel nervous? I guess I feel scared of actually liking him and that feels kinda silly I guess. Just don’t want to get hung up and I still don’t understand or haven’t mastered the whole dating-more-than-one-person thing. I feel unsure & inexperienced. :/

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 5:44pm

  130. 130: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little anxious because K & I were talking and he had just asked me about a sensitive subject and I literally had to go shortly after he asked. I got back & texted him I was back but he never picked the conversation back up. & I really wanted to talk about the sensitive subject. I feel all anxious. I also feel immature, childish, & pouty. *sigh*

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 6:02pm

  131. 131: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so much better. He texted me a picture of the dinner he cooked while I was running my errand. :) I feel so smiley. & embarrassed. I’m such a newbie…*sigh*

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 6:26pm

  132. 132: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Not a good evening. Tears flowing. Bleh…ugh!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 7:51pm

  133. 133: sweetyNo Gravatar says:

    I met many guys on POF , some of them become friends and we never sleep together .
    I met my ex boyfriend from the site , we were together for two years , his is a nice guy but we are just not good match .
    I went on POF again last July , and met my boyfriend in January ( took me 6 months ) .
    we are still deep in love with each other , I always remember Rori’s tools , focus on me .
    He told me he want to spent rest of his life with me ….
    Men all want sex , nothing wrong with that. They can want what they want ….but we can say NO for what we don’t want .we are the one who decide when and where to have sex , no men .

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 8:20pm

  134. 134: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    That photo is from my relationship two years. That is so weird!!!

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 9:31pm

  135. 135: A.A.No Gravatar says:

    Wow. Such a great community here at the blog! I never would have known.

    I’ve been working with The Modern Siren and read the book on my own now for a little over a week, and it’d be great to share my experiences with other sirens.

    I find it very interesting that BEFORE I read Have The Relationship You Want and started The Modern Siren, I sort of started Circular Dating all on my own.

    See, a month or so ago, I started having feelings for a coworker. Now, I’ve shut out my heart intentionally for years after just getting disappointed again and again, and the traumatic experiences I had as a young girl with men probably didn’t really help either. Basically, I’m 28 and never had an actual boyfriend before.

    However, when I was in High School I OBSESSED over this one boy, but of course he never returned it (and now I see why!).

    But for the first time in a long time I started feeling the same feelings I felt for that boy with this new guy at work. And IT SCARES ME.

    I can accept never finding a guy and being alone forever or waiting till my career takes off or whatever before focusing on getting married. But like hell will I be distracted and put my life on hold because of my feelings of longing and obsession over a guy. Never. Again.

    But it started happening.

    And at first, I thought it was just me liking a guy who didn’t like me back again. But he’s a super sweet guy and we’ve hung out often. That’s how we became friends. He called me to join him and his friend to a New Years Party. I didn’t like him at the time (mmm, perhaps a clue…), but had a great time and he invited me to go watch The Walking Dead with him and friends every Sunday. But then the season ended and we no longer had reason to hang out. And he never called me over or anything.

    I guess the lack of proximity made me realized I enjoyed his company alot. So I started trying to get his company again.

    I think the worse of it was that I pretty much invited myself over to his new apartment to help him clean it up with his roommates.

    It ended well I think, but afterwards, I felt like I’ll never do that again and he’ll have to make the next move.

    …And he did.

    He invited me out to just hang out. And again…at first I thought he just wanted to hang out. So I put the idea of it being a date completely out of my mind. I held absolutely no expectations, this was my way of not being disappointed and have a good time no matter what.

    But to make a long story short, we saw a drive in movie together and that night…well…we did stuff. :-p

    Not sex though! Definitely not ready.

    But it was kinda random and very last minute (like it’s late and we were trying to sleep and suddenly he’s kissing me after not showing ANY sign, no touching, no compliments, no flirting, nothing beforehand).

    And then in the morning….we were just friends again?

    Again nothing. So I took the initiative again and showed up at work on my day off and asked if he was busy when he clocked out and so we hung out. But if I didn’t do anything, he wouldn’t do anything. But if I were to like, take his hand or his arm, he’d be okay with it.

    But that night nothing happened. Then in the morning, I went on the initiative again and well, got on top of him and kissed him. We did stuff again, but most likely only because I wanted to…though he did take care of me without me even asking (he’s the only man I’ve ever been in bed with who…well…got me off *blushes*, which I thought was a MAJOR victory for me!).

    And then nothing…again.

    I got fed up!

    So I didn’t want to obsess or think about him or anything. So…I got drunk on wine and did something I probably would never have done sober.

    I went on craigslist personals and that night had dinner with a complete stranger. A MARRIED stranger.

    It was actually nice. I had fun. Actually, I went with the intention of having sex, but I have difficulties with it. Always have. We did everything but that, but hey, it wasn’t because I wasn’t willing! I didn’t even get off either, but I didn’t mind.

    He was sweet, but he hasn’t contacted me again, which is completely fine with me. He definitely wasn’t even close to being the one, but it was a great experiment.

    I even started conversing with another guy via craigslist and we’re slowly setting up to go out and have a drink. This time, my intention is to not be so open to sex or even kissing. Lets see what happens.

    I’m learning a lot about me and what I like, that’s for sure. I find looking for guys this way as a great experiment that I am enjoying.

    In regards to the blog post, I think it’s all about trusting your boundaries, trusting you have good taste and you can find the good guys over the creeps. Then again, my experience is very lacking, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

    I’m looking forward to my next date since it’ll be the first since I started working diligently with The Modern Siren.

    So far my coworker (lets call him G), still hasn’t shown any signs of even being attracted to me, but something interesting did happen.

    The first time we were alone together in a while – like a week or two (I was gonna take the bus to get back home after work and he offered me a ride), I did my best to put the Tools into practice…and I think they worked? I mean…he didn’t touch me or tell me he liked me or anything, but…he told me stuff without me having to ask him.

    He tells me that the reason he couldn’t invite me back to his place (which is what happened last time) is that his ex has moved in with him for the next two months because she had no place else to live. And that if I were to go there, there would be tension and probably start a fight. Apparently, he feels like all she wants to do is fight or something. I don’t know. I never had an ex, so I don’t know if this is normal. He then tells me that their relationship was a long one (3 years) and then proceeds to tell me his relationships before that one were just as long.

    I sat there and honestly, I didn’t know what to say (I was a little anxious cause I wanted to follow the Modern Siren method correctly). But I don’t think he noticed.

    When dropped me off, he invited me into a hug (usually I just hugged him when we were in the car), so all and all I think this was a success?

    Haven’t heard from him since then. But I’m not worried about it…even though I had this moment where a voice inside told me that this guy is probably the one (I dont know why it says that! There’s no sign at all that he is, why is my inner voice telling me this?).

    I’m refusing to worry about it and I’m succeeding.

    Despite no progress on the getting the guy, I still feel great and things are looking up :)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:02pm

  136. 136: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens! I have to confess I have yet to catch up on all your fun comments…wanted to chime in on the POF topic. I feel that many of the online sites nowadays have a lot of booty callers on them and lots of women who are happy to comply. I feel that eharmony is a better way to meet someone who is a little more relationship minded. I have been on and off POF and I have experienced very similar things as described in this post….lots of men just want a quickie. It feels tiring filtering them out and eventually I grow weary of practicing my feeling messages and tools on them. Hence the fact that I am no longer on any sites. I did meet one nice guy from POFwho some of you know as I have spoke of ExoticCD…he has become a good friend. He is a feminine energy man which is why even tho we have some attraction, nothing has ever progressed ….I’m ok with it (yawn fem energy men make me feel bored)…
    He is sweet and I accept him for who he is…just never goes anywhere and it’s ok I have zero expectations…

    Anywho, something strange happned over the weekend and I’ve been experiencing a bit of a blip in my radar since about Friday…
    I’ve been so good about my eating and exercise habits and checking out health blogs daily for ideas about healthy snacks and to stay inspired. Then I got super duper busy over the weekend and it all went to heck. I had a great weekend and it was fun catching up with some folks i havent seen in a while…
    But ….
    The weird thing that happened….
    That was TOTALLY unexpected….

    I had sex with RecycledCD. OMG. Yes I did. Of course we always have amazing chemistry so no complaints there. Just didnt expect it. We got together for coffee to catch up and next thing we know we’re at my place undressed and totally surrendered to the moment. Holy crap. I don’t know but I’m ok with it now. Just felt a little odd for the rest of the weekend like my radar screen was “off”…
    Then….

    Today out of the blue ExoticCD and CuteCityCD are blowing up my phone. I have not heard from CuteCityCD in ages and was just pining over him (sort of) last week…as I was describing him to a friend…hahaa…

    What is going on!?

    Alas, any of these resulting in a long term thing? Not so sure. But the attention is interesting to say the least.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:08pm

  137. 137: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Starla and Linda –

    What I must stress is that yes, I am a masculine energy woman, he is a feminine energy man and I like it. No problems with it. I just feel when I OUT-GIRL him sometimes, it works wonders. I am staying open-minded and trying all kinds of new things just to see what happens – it is how we Sirens grow and learn to become more Sireny!

    The reason why J is not having sexual energy coming towards me, is because he’s out of work, his self-esteem is lower than normal and he’s feeling helpless and puny. Dominique and Rori both very strongly stress that a man loses his sex drive when he’s out of work…and not his fault, and it’s not because of me either. He has no drive to get up and come towards me, being 42, and I GET THAT, I’ve felt similar lately, like I want the emotional experience of making love but not the actual physical act.

    “Because you reason with yourself that he wouldn’t sleep with you if he didn’t want you, which temporary soothes your insecurities, like a hit of crack”

    I appreciate the concern and I apologize if this sounds defensive, still working on that, but this is
    not what’s happening, unless I am misunderstanding what you mean – yes, I feel like the relationship would feel better if we had sex right now, but I am patient and he will come around I think, and I’m content otherwise; it is just wonderful when he feels it and comes back around, and yes I think if we keep communication open about it, we should be able to deal with it. I’ve been told by a coach, Leigha, making the first move with him might work, so I might try it.

    I am remembering his humanness, leaving him be, having understanding love for him and being patient, as Dominique told me once over a private coaching session.

    I am fully excited being the one to make a suggestion. It IS me, it always has been. I am only trying feminine ways to mix it up and see what else works, just to experiment and keep an open mind. I am a switch, I can switch hats easily, and this is a GOOD thing; between being feminine and being a boyish side go-getter. There’s no bending myself here, I don’t feel uncomfy…all I want is for my femininity to be acknowledged, and sex doesn’t have to be the thing to do it. We can have foreplay, back rubs, whatever works. I’m keeping my mind open and seeing what works and what doesn’t and I’m okay with taking time to figure it out.

    To be very openly honest, coming onto this board, I’m not so much looking for people to tell me what I may be doing wrong, unless I ask if I am doing something wrong, so much as needing encouragement and a pat on the back for for being able to let him be, remember his humanness, being patient, love myself as hard as I can, and just be still, and possibly glean suggestions on how a person might feel when asked casually if they can have fun together with their sig. other. This is all great practice, and I don’t think I’m doing that bad actually.

    I understand my situation might trigger anger for other women, but I am the one dealing with this and I am tough enough to handle it…just want suggestions and education. I just want to come here and hear myself say these things and maybe get some feedback about how one would feel when this or that is said, etc.

    Starla, I do feel however it is probably true he’s holding the control by withholding sex, making me put a lid on my highly driven sexuality and trying to keep the peace. He doesn’t feel like giving when he’s feeling like he has no control. So this is his way of controlling. I have a few ideas about that…circular dating people he’s comfy with me having outings with.

    I also don’t want a white picket fence, leave-it-to-beaver-existence. I’m not interested in marriage or children, so thinking 20 years ahead is not what’s going on right now, I’m focusing on what can happen in the next year. J and I take it day by day. We don’t like to plan too far ahead. We go moment to moment and it works very well for us.

    But I digress. My point is I’m not planning on leaving him, I’m planning on negotiating to find a good solution with him, so basically telling me to rethink it isn’t going to do much for me, I just want to see if we can switch up some things to make new chemistry.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:13pm

  138. 138: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel the reason my radar felt “off” for a few days is that I’m so used to being alone and in my own zone…
    And allowing the intimacy with RecycledCD was almost like feeling a shocking intrusion to my bubble that I’ve created
    for my oh-so-focused self…
    RecycledCD was being soo sentimental and saying things blah blah about how he had dreams about me etc…
    YAWN I don’t take any of it to heart…
    He wants to see me next weekend and I sort of shrugged, yawned, and said “ok” …
    He said why are you shrugging like “whatever”?? I said “oh I don’t know, was I?? I feel open to see you next weekend”….
    I know it was my defense in case he flakes on me, I already “shrugged” it off…
    CuteCityCD wanted to engage in flirty sexting/texting today but I didnt engage..I remained warm and open but said I have to go take care of a deadline (which is true)…
    I’m just in my own zone right now and today feeling like I am back on track to being me and myself and I…LOL

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:17pm

  139. 139: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    144 mandy I enjoyed reading your post…it feels raw and honest and it feels nice that you are a siren sharing with us…

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:21pm

  140. 140: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, Thank you…those words mean SO much to me :) I didn’t want to sound defensive I just wanted to make myself clear…in knowing i want this man in my life, but seeing if we can both have the ultimate relationship we want with each other :)

    I have hope and yummy feelings about it!!! It’s not bad! :) It really does feel yummy to think maybe I can use my feminine initiation. I’ve always loved initiating in a beguiling way, that’s the essence of my desire energy :) I almost wish I could do a little burlesque performance for him…hehe I’ve been thinking of joining a class for it :)

    Thank you again! :)

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:27pm

  141. 141: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad that when I come here it is mostly to post about myself. I work a lot, and it’s hard to keep up with everyones stories. I wish I could offer more support and caring advice. Just something I’ve been feeling and noticing.

    I think the best plan of action for me right now is to avoid Mechanic and act as if he doesn’t exist. I have proven to myself that I can’t handle sleeping with him, and I can’t handle being in a social setting with him where he flirting with other women and where I feel like a bystander. There is no reason to put myself through this painful experience, and no reason to keep trying to “change” how I feel in the moment, when over and over, I come to the same conclusion of feelings. So, I think “no contact” is how it has to be for me. I can’t sift through the appeal of what all these other women have that I don’t, it’s too much work. I’d rather exit for now, silently. Continuing to go to social events when I know he may be there, is keeping the hope and possibility alive that “tonight will be different,” but it never is. Even it I think it is, it isn’t. I’ve been shutting the door on situations that don’t feel good, why not shut it on this one while I am at it… I’m fooling myself if I really think I’m going to these events without any hopes. Not only hopes with him, but hoping to feel more accepted and wanted by the people around me. Hoping to feel like part of the group, wanting to feel seen. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, but I think I need to walk away from this. I posted before about my ex and how he’s shown his true colors. I now feel like whatever relationship we had was a lie. This resonates with me also with Mechanic. It is an imaginary friendship. I think we “get” each other on a level, but I’m the only one that seems to think that way. I can’t say for sure how he feels, but I don’t want to fall into the same imaginary relationship of thinking there is a bond, when there is only lies and games. Anyway, I feel like this is running away, but it’s the best solution I have right now.

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 10:59pm

  142. 142: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    (((Mandy)))

    (((Millie)))

    Tuesday, 5 August 2014 @ 11:06pm

  143. 143: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I just sent the following text to J in response to an invitation from him to go to a concert this weekend:

    “Hey. Thanks for the good wishes. It feels good. Thanks also for the invite, it sounds like fun. However, I think I just want to be friends and I think you want more. I hope you have a good time, and I would feel happy if we could stay friends.”

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 2:44am

  144. 144: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    sequoia 136,

    Yes it is definitely a great experience to humble yourself to your feelings, and is definitely the way that healing can happen… it’s very beautiful in it’s own way…

    Yet in the beginning (and by beginning I mean a couple of years) as I say I was very afraid that the crying would never stop. But it did, and my ability to handle situations and heal and access my inner calm continues to grow as time goes on.

    x

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:24am

  145. 145: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy 144,

    I fully understand how you feel, and sometimes feel that way myself… that sometimes you come here looking for encouragement and a pat on the back and sharing, rather than being told your situation must somehow not be working…

    Anyway, I think you’re a wonderful, open, strong, loving siren whom your J is very lucky to have!

    Re: how I would feel with a naughty suggestion from my significant other. Yes, I’d love it. So long as it did not come with lots of expectations. I always feel that feeling relaxed and fun and in the moment is the best way to create physical intimacy :)

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:34am

  146. 146: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 54
    I LOVE, love what you said here!!!

    “I feel like the healthier and in balance I am the easier it is to see things that are not going to fit into my life and to let them go.”

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:37am

  147. 147: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Marika B,

    You have a great sense of humour! Your posts often give me a good giggle, and I love how you keep a sense of humour about all of this and are able to be light hearted with yourself.

    I identify with what Feminine Woman said to you about all this thinking and reasoning being a distraction from truly caring for yourself… this is something which applies to me too. I’ve noticed that when my head starts swimming with thoughts and explanations and theories and wondering, that invariably I am missing an opportunity to take good care of myself and live my life in a way which is loving towards me.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:39am

  148. 148: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo , Azur Blu and other sirens I would need your help.
    I have been going to eat at a place that is next to G Cd shop again and again before I started seeing him and now I feel weird going there.
    I would like to go there tomorrow but it feels strange as I am am walking by his shop. I also would like to see him but I do not know how to handle it.
    He hasn’t invited me to visit him.
    I could text him telling him that I am having lunch just a few doors up and than see what he replies.
    Or just pop by his shop on my way to lunch…surprising him without texting in advance?
    OR text him that I am planning to have lunch there and ask him if he would be happy if I would come and visit him….mmmh not sure.

    or not go at all to have lunch at that place….?
    If I wouldn’t have met him I would go there so.
    It feels weird and I feel insecure, not sure what to do.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:54am

  149. 149: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Marika and Indigo – yes I can also identify with what feminine women said.
    Its very challenging to get out of the loop. Its sucha wast e of time and precious energy, I have wasted already so much and I feel sad about it. It s like learning a new way of being to get out of this addiction for me, its cold turkey and it takes again and again will and intention to focus away and onto other things. Sometimes it takes a few days for me to get of it again, sometimes hours and I really want to free myself from this. It would feel so good to channel all this precious energy into my healing and to develop my talents and passions.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:58am

  150. 150: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    sequoia 155,

    If you feel able to be a rockstar and just enjoy eating there, and not have your vibe affected whether or not you run into him or see him, then I would say go ahead and go and enjoy yourself. If you feel that it would trigger you or throw yourself into a confusion, I would personally avoid it for a few weeks.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:14am

  151. 151: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy – @ 144. Wanted to clear up any confusion. I did not comment on your post. I caught a point in one that Starla had posted that I felt was insightful and applied to me and my life.

    I just read your posts. Sounds like you are really in touch with yourself and situation. I am on the blog for the same reasons you are.

    xo

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:22am

  152. 152: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Indigo and Marika
    I do not think I can go there without letting him know. I would feel soo weird being there and not letting him know, passing his shop, knowing that he is inside and me not going there. It feels so weird . i feel sad about this.
    The last time I was in the area I texted him that and he ask me to visit him, but that was when we were more in touch. Mmmh

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:46am

  153. 153: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I might need to avoid the area and than when we see each other the next time i could bring it up? Would that be a good idea….
    I am not sure how to bring it up so…I am wondering if he would want to see me if I am in the area, if he would feel happy if I would come and visit.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:47am

  154. 154: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh,,,, geee….
    My feelings are in a turmoil!!!

    Lots’ of interesting and friendly contacts from POF…

    KS an old cd (haven’t seen each other in 4 months) called yesterday… (interesting he usually texts) he wants to take me out (he always goes to the BEST restaurants) I said yes,

    Spriritcd has told me again that he loves me… I ignored it and said I love his warm hands….
    I don’t love him… I like him alot…
    He has always seemed a little flaky…

    this past week he has textd me he’s at a certain place having a drink but doesn’t invite me… (he usually invites me)
    he has done this several times…
    the last time he said he should have picked me up and i said l’ll come down and meet you…
    then last night I leaned way forward…
    cause he had textd me about his practicing golf and I
    called him – after I left girls night_ and said I missed him and wanted to see him…
    He textd: i’m at Chilli’s watching the game
    I textd: I’m on my way home:
    He textd: the score of the baseball game

    Sirens… I need to put together a feeling message

    “I feel very special when you invite me to join you when you’re out… I feel confused when i’m textd where you are with no invitation… What do you think?”
    Any good ideas? How does that sound? Help!!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:48am

  155. 155: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens
    I have been starting my days with positive intentions and it’ feels good. I feel like my love for recycledCD is in a little heart shaped box and if I allow myself to open it, it will pour out like a bouquet of beautiful flowers…and there’s no going back and closing the box up again after that….
    Right now the box is still closed, if I spend more time with him I will definitely open it and at the very least crack the edges…. Right now I’m guarded and I feel a little scared.
    I want to fall in love…. I want to feel free and happy… Not keeping the box closed….
    Time will tell…

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:54am

  156. 156: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu,

    That feeling message sounds great to me.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:56am

  157. 157: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Azur blu
    163
    ExoticCD doe this to me too. Announces he is at dinner or happy hour and doesn’t invite me. My way of dealing with it is to ignore the text completely! **shrug**
    If he asks me later why no reply, I will give an answer but not lean forward. I’ve tried that too before and it feels bad.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:58am

  158. 158: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I have a new CD.

    He is a friend of a friend, and the first time he started talking to me, I realised how much we have in common, and it was really fun talking to him.

    We spent most of the night talking at another event of our mutual friend, and he did sweet things like walk me to my car, and walk for miles to find me headache tablets. Next thing I knew he was messaging me on Facebook and we messaged back and forth for a week and then he invited me for drinks. At drinks I had a LOVELY time – he’s very funny and the conversation was just sparkling and very enjoyable.

    Last night we went out to dinner, and again I really enjoyed myself. We seemed to move incrementally closer to each other than the last time. We laughed and giggled and joked the whole night, and that was REALLY great. I love it when it’s light hearted. He paid for dinner and walked me to my car, and he texted me when I got home to ask if I got home safely and to thank me for the evening.

    I remember around him feeling so warm and light and melty, and just kinda good. I felt pretty and liked, and just sort of smiley whenever I see a text from him. He’s got a geekish attractiveness about him which I like, and for me being able to talk to someone really easily about just about any topic is VERY attractive.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:05am

  159. 159: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu. So interesting about spirit CD.
    He tells you he loves you but stopped inviting you…maybe he is playing a little hard to get because he didn’t hear the words back…just a thought.
    This would frustrate me too and definitely warrants a fm, if you want to keep seeing him.
    I wonder if you told him already?
    Hmmm..interesting!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:07am

  160. 160: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Wellllllll, I had a great evening and night with wildchild.
    Jeez, that man can talk. He was nervous though, and told me so as well…we talked about the moving in thing and I said I hardly know him.
    Solution: wants to take me up to his hometown this weekend, to meet mkre of his friends and his parents. Whoa.
    Anyhow, it might not happen as he is swamped with work again but we will see…
    I felt super happy with him yesterday and we had SO much fun. At one point he said ‘I need someone like you. Who makes me all relaxed and want to do things other than work, actually, I need you’. And then he immediately stopped himself and said ‘ugh. Does that sound wrong?’Awww!
    So cute.
    Anyway. He brought up the ‘m’ word and talked about wanting to settle down etc., and he got a little tipsy and said all kinds of stuff…which made me smile a lot.
    We spent the night together and it was soooooo nice. Really intimate experience with him, lots of nice kisses and cuddling..which I LOVE.
    He also explained the ‘not making lots of dates’. Apart from working too much, he said that his last relationship moved so crazy fast and they were already living together after a few weeks, and he realised that they were no match at all, after a while. Plus, he said he likes to keep things fresh and new and it’s fun to move slowly.
    I totally agree.
    It feels good to me too, and I can still meet other guys and do my own thing and not get obsessed over a man.
    I know already that he is willing to jump in at the deep end with me (the moving in thing), so I am definitely in NO rush.
    He knows/suspects that I am CDing and I know it pisses him off, but he is mature enough to realise that I am filling my time with my hobbies and other guys if he is not booking me up, and he knows its fair…lol.
    He did say, however, that he would be pissed if I married another guy..which struck me as a slightly bizarre thing to say…ha! As if someone would just knock on my door and drag me to the courthouse!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:25am

  161. 161: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Millie 148,

    Sometimes running away is the best choice you have.

    Not because it’s cowardly, but because you don’t want to keep hurting yourself. And how can that possibly be wrong?

    Sometimes I just feel that a situation is too big for me and too much for me, much like you described going out to events where Mechanic will be.

    And I always remind myself that walking away from something that is hurting me is a very valid, brave and wise choice.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:25am

  162. 162: KimNo Gravatar says:

    I have a date with MoM tonight…who kind of assumes that we are in a quasi relationship.
    What do I do?
    He is such a nice guy. I want to keel seeing him but it feels like I am leading him on…and it feels unfair to wildchild…then again he didn’t claim me either.
    MoM probably expects us to be intimate and I just feel ‘ugh’ about that right now.
    I don’t know what, kf anything, I should tell him.
    He is a good guy and I am not really wanting to deceive him…

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:30am

  163. 163: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Azure blu – just wondering…………

    Instead of ignoring those words would you feel comfortable sharing or experimenting with “it feels so good hearing you beautiful man voice say those lovely words” or “mmmmmm I know I am irrisistible”

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:56am

  164. 164: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    AzureB

    Him: “i’m at Chilli’s watching the game”

    AB: “Sounds exciting. Imagine how much fun it would be if I we were watching it together”.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:59am

  165. 165: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    MarikaB – Which brings me to a question of sorts…how do we women live our lives, and go on, being the ‘prize’, without putting ourselves up on a pedestal…I don’t think I am exactly do ing that. But I noticed my feelings of poutiness were selfish…like ‘I should be more important that whatever else he is doing right now, he hasn’t even left the house yet’ which seems pretty selfish and entitled… but if I am the prize, how do I BE the prize…yet not be more or better than others? Or feel that I should be?

    Put yourself on a pedestal. That’s were prizes sit. That is loving yourself. Being worthy is different than entitled. What you write suggest entitlement. You might be a priority yet he still gets to make choices in his life. Being selfish and taking care of your feelings is good. However with entitlement there is some expectations that other people kinda owe you something. The expectations are what need to be dealt with.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:06am

  166. 166: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((FW))) #172-3—- YES!!! oxoxo

    Happy dances!!! twirling!!

    Ohhhh I LOVE these magical words!!!

    THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! for this!!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:32am

  167. 167: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim #169…
    Mmmmm…. sighhhhh….
    What a magical night with wildcd…
    he brought up the m word quite a few times…
    seems to have some interesting solutions to
    challenges that you share…
    I do like that!!!
    :->

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:34am

  168. 168: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim…
    yeah… I can remember when I said “I love you” to BK first and he didn’t say it back…!!!
    in fact he said I’m not ready to fall in love…
    It was very upsetting… but we had been together for 9 months!!

    I know Spiritcd is probably needing at least a fm about “I love U”
    and i LOVE what FW wrote…
    “it feels so good hearing you beautiful man voice say those lovely words to me”
    I’m going to share that with Spirit!!!
    I’ll let you know what happens…

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:39am

  169. 169: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh exciting Azure Blu!!!!
    Hehe.
    Yeah, I was on and off 10-12 months with MoM and he never said those words, neither did I. IDK, it just doesn’t mean so much to me to hear the words as it does to see the actions..I know he loves me, and he has expressed how much he likes me and how fond he is of me.

    I am also suspicious when a man says those words too early…I expressed this once to wildchild, and said many people say these things after a few weeks hardly knowing the other person and how for me that is a turn off. Yesterday he quipped ‘don’t worry, I was just talking pragmatically, I am not going to say ‘I love you’ since I know you’re not into those types of declarations…but I do like you’. LOL.
    It’s interesting what men remember as well because I had totally forgotten I said that!!!

    Anyway, everybody is different…and the love languages are different for everyone too.
    To me, feeling loved is totally different to just hearing the words…ideally, after some time, both goes together, but I still prefer the warm feeling of being loved….
    The words are the icing on the cake and whether they come after 6 months or 3 years…doesn’t matter to me.

    It bugs me when friends tell me ‘oh he didn’t say he loved you’ and see it as a big flaw…I never got that. Perhaps because I grew up in a family where love was never talked about and only shown?

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:47am

  170. 170: KimNo Gravatar says:

    176..yeah, he did bring a lot of things up.
    He has no filter, whatever he thinks goes straight to his mouth, which is good and bad…LOL.
    I like it, actually, after having been with a guy who was the exact opposite and never opened his mouth at all, to talk about anything of significance..this is quite the change!!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:51am

  171. 171: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim… #179
    Me tooo… I have been with too many guys who are VERY shy and
    I like a guy who carries on a good conversation!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:57am

  172. 172: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #167
    A NEW cd!!??
    and you’re feeling “warm and light and melty”
    and a good talker!!!
    Sighhhh…. that sounds wonderful

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:00am

  173. 173: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    soooo… yes…. I think that is the issue with Spiritcd saying the words sooo soon…
    I will say though it has been off and on for 8 months…

    But I do like to hear the “i luv u” wrds. but I agree…
    actions need to be there even more…

    well, i’m feeling all anxious, excited, scared
    a total mish mash!!!
    I know I need to use some feeling messages with spirit and that ALWAYS makes me VERY scared!!

    and my close girl friend has been acting very distant for a month and I need to use fm with her too…
    “I feel sad and confused” “have I done something to upset you”?
    Sirens how does that sound?

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:05am

  174. 174: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Having a rough morning as well.

    I know everyone talks about cding and how it’s the best thing to do asap. But I just don’t feel it. Too soon. My heart and soul are still very much with H. Just the very thought of dating literally makes me want to throw up. Bleh

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:31am

  175. 175: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 163 – You have two ways you can go here.

    1. Wait until the next time he DOES invite you to join him when he’s out, and let him know that this is a good thing. eg. I LOVE being invited to join you, make me me feel SO special, SO good.

    In other words appreciating what he did as a good feeling for you thing and encouraging more of this in the future.

    2. Or you can encourage by suggestion. eg. It feels so good being invited to join when you’re out. I love when this happens.

    In other words planting the seed.

    So you message above starts our well, yet I would suggest leaving it at that. Seeing if he picks up the oars from here.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:32am

  176. 176: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, sorry that was 165 Azure.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:33am

  177. 177: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 184 – “I feel sad and confused not hearing your voice, not seeing you, I miss you.”

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:37am

  178. 178: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Also, I was thinking alot about the ‘filling your life up, doing things that make you happy and keep you busy’. That even from a distance he will feel this and more often then not he will come back. (Tho I do realize that isn’t always the case). Couldn’t that also backfire? Couldn’t he then think that she’s better off without me so I’m going to stay away?

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:48am

  179. 179: KimNo Gravatar says:

    I am unsure as to how to express to MoM tonight that I am datig someone else…eek.
    :(

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:05am

  180. 180: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu 183,

    Thank you :) and yeah… it does feel lovely. I’m someone who is an absolute sucker for someone who makes me laugh, someone who makes me feel like I can share on any topic with them. And I enjoy his company verrry much. I’ll have to think of a name for him. Maybe BM for now.

    What amazes me about CDing is how attractive you become to men. Even with everything I was dealing with with D, for the past year I have literally had a revolving door of men. The very second one leaves there is another one there to take his place. This is unprecedented in my life. I can only believe that this has to lead to happily ever after.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:52am

  181. 181: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    And this is without even doing internet dating. I attribute it all to the things I have learnt on here!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:53am

  182. 182: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    “Also, I was thinking alot about the ‘filling your life up, doing things that make you happy and keep you busy’. That even from a distance he will feel this and more often then not he will come back. (Tho I do realize that isn’t always the case). Couldn’t that also backfire? Couldn’t he then think that she’s better off without me so I’m going to stay away?”

    Yes it could backfire, but not in the way you think. The most common way that it backfires is that you become so in love with your own life and love yourself so much and treat yourself so well, and get so used to men treating you well, that you are no longer interested in someone who does not treat you like the prize.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:56am

  183. 183: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t see in a million year that I would ever have a relationship with anyone on pof. And the messages I’m getting everyday feel like mosquitos. Really annoying. I am not having fun there.

    And the idea of using it for practice…to practice tools…well it’s feeling a bit stale honestly. I fell tired of practicing the tools. I want to just be with someone. I don’t want to create all the attraction and necessarily go out with other men to distract myself from my feeling for him.

    And the idea of sleeping to a man who was LYING to me about what he was available for…and what he wanted from me…

    It feels so random online, I have no instincts with people online…

    And I’ve been circular dating for the last couple of years now, and it’s gotten me out of feeling trampled on by men, maybe feeling less like vulnerable to them, but it’s also gotten me involved with a lot of players, because they are the ones who want to go on lost of dates.

    And I wonder about changing my approach, not giving a guy the time of day unless I feel somewhat, remotely interested, and maybe going off on pof.

    Maybe a paying site would be better, but I don’t want to spend the money right now.

    It is fun to circular date, but am I distracting myself from really loving someone who could marry me?

    A guy form pof replied today about inviting me out for drinks, I’d told him I could do today or tomorrow, so it feels a bit boring that he replies today. And he says yes to tomorrow. But I don’t know how open I feel right now. If he tries to sleep with me I will SCREAM! I feel burnt out. I don’t want to go. I don’t know anything about him except that he’s on pof and way less attractive than me and…that never seems to stop men form trying to pull one over on me.

    I don’t know…I do feel open to meeting men out in public, I’d like to make more friends, and go out and flirt, but yes, with the intention that something could come of it, that I am available for a relationship, and maybe NOTHING ELSE.

    I just want to be mindful of what I’m attracting, and improve my life.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:59am

  184. 184: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Also Purple, (sorry, meant to include this in the previous post)

    If you don’t feel up to dating yet, don’t force yourself. You likely just need time to recover and feel your feelings and look after yourself, without any pressure.

    There are plenty of ways to CD the world (which Dominique talks about so beautifully without actually going on dates. Actually, this is my favourite form of CDing. Just being out in the world and soaking it up.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:59am

  185. 185: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Dominque #186!! & 188
    Thnx sssoooo much!!
    Yes, these are both VERY helpful FM and I know i’ll use them both!!
    oxoxo

    I used the FM for my gf and have not heard back…
    Sighhhhh…. I do miss her!! :-(

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:59am

  186. 186: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #193
    Ahhhh sooo lovely!!! and SOO true~~

    “Yes it could backfire, but not in the way you think. The most common way that it backfires is that you become so in love with your own life and love yourself so much and treat yourself so well, and get so used to men treating you well, that you are no longer interested in someone who does not treat you like the prize.”

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:01am

  187. 187: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling so triggered that I just want to end things with FunnyCD and RUN.

    I don’t want to drive him around even if it’s a one-time favour, even though he’ll pay for petrol and possibly a meal, even though he can’t wait to see me again. Because it’s doing stuff. I feel frightened of overfunctioning, becoming ‘motherly’. I can sense myself closing up and the fears getting larger and scarier. I don’t even want to put this into feeling messages. I don’t want to bother.

    Then again, it is a one-time thing – let’s see what happens.

    My boy energy now wants to take care of me – get there earlier to look at a gallery, trying to record a poetry reading to play in the car, find out what the schedule will be.

    Ugh. I just want to relax and enjoy, not plan.

    I should have just said no.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:03am

  188. 188: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #191

    It is sooo interesting to me also….
    Since Rori’s tools (magic wand wonderful!!!)

    I’ve never had sooo many cds in my rotation and alllll of the cds that i’ve spent more than 5 dates have circled back???

    It’s lovely to revisit with them and talk about how we felt, what happened and how we might (or might not) date again?

    Me NOT being angry like I was in the past…
    Alllll these Rori tools are magical…
    and the BEST part is that
    I am MORE calm, peaceful,
    genuine and kind to MEEEEE!!!
    Thank you Azure Blu for loving ME!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:10am

  189. 189: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Veronica #198)))
    Huggggs sweet one

    Spiritcd likes to drive my car on our dates cause his car is full of his medical sales stuff…
    I like it when he drives my car…
    I wouldn’t like driving him…

    For Me I know I have to be VERY careful of making too much out of one instance…
    I LOVE to resurrect my brick wall to avoid emotional Intimacy

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:15am

  190. 190: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu,

    Re: your girlfriend

    I tried something recently with a friend, and it did cause her to open up. Something along the lines of: “We used to be good friends and I miss that. It feels as if there is a distance between us. If I have inadvertently hurt you in some way I would feel open to hearing about it so that I could apologise.”

    Sometimes people distance themselves for reasons you could never have dreamed of, and the only way you would know is if you were to ask.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:17am

  191. 191: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I said no using feeling messages and apologised for declining at such short notice. I feel conflicted with all this.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:40am

  192. 192: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 200 – Thank you so much! Your re-assurance is so comforting – I really need that. My stuff’s coming up and I’m in tears. All those times of taking care of me being met with some kind of punishment or holding back as punishment is coming at me. xx

    FunnyCD responded with support, kindness and wanting to plan something for us.

    Breathe.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:47am

  193. 193: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim…
    Maybe you start out with just that…

    “I feel unsure about what to say…
    I want to be honest and upfront about our dating arrangement… What do you think?”

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:53am

  194. 194: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica… you did great!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:55am

  195. 195: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu..thank you, great suggestion. I habe trouble with the whole ‘I am dating other people’ speech concept. But else I would be hiding things in my condo?
    Lol.
    Like, wildchild brought food amd drinks around….so must I hide the drinks I wouldn’t normally touch?
    All so complicated…

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 11:05am

  196. 196: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Tears are flowing again. I feel like it’s my fault. If I hadn’t had such a childish attitude the previous sunday about him being so late to pick me up for Country Thunder (he had some responsibilities to take care of around the house first) and him not spending the night cuz he had to get up early for work I don’t think he would have gotten triggered. And this wouldn’t have happened. Uuuugggh!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 11:07am

  197. 197: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 196 – Remember – no expectations. Feeling messages are primarily FOR YOU, to not only understand and get in touch with how YOU feel but also learning how to express them in a real and authentic way.

    She will respond, or she won’t. The important thing is you opened your heart to her.

    xxoo

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 12:52pm

  198. 198: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique #209… ooxoxoxo
    Thank you!!!
    Ohhhh my!!!
    I used your exact message on my text to my gf
    when she said Oh no!!! I’m not upset!!

    and it was ME opening my heart to a wonderful woman that I care soooo much about!! with no expectations…
    I’ve gotten better at that!!! Yay Rori!! and ME practicing!!!

    and we talked and she felt MY open HEART!!!
    I struggle sooooo much with being closed off…
    this is soooo good for ME!!!

    I’m crying “open heart” tears!!

    Alll is well between us and she said she’s been VERY busy and things have gotten so hectic this summer and we’re meeting with our friends for a drink before she leaves for Atlanta tomorrow…

    Ohhh the power of this blog!! to support each other to do BRAVE and COURAGEOUS things for US!!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 1:24pm

  199. 199: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Indigo))) #447 from last thread

    You make me feel VERY proud!!
    Thank you for those lovely, kind words..
    :->

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 1:39pm

  200. 200: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    gentle, Bright Shining Sirens,,,
    Right now I am feeling LOT of LOVE from everywhere!!!

    I feel sooo very lucky that I have found this Island
    where I feel supported and loved and heard!!
    Where I have changed MY LIFE… MY SOUL

    and I feel right now (could change at any minute)
    that I am very lucky to have all these men who are soooo kind and warm…
    sharing their journeys with me…
    trying to figure out how to love, how to listen, how to communitcate
    how to form a more perfect union…
    and they are asking ME to work on this with them…
    I am humbled (on MY pedestal)
    :-)

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 1:44pm

  201. 201: SapphireNo Gravatar says:

    Hi All
    Dont normally post much but recently married (July) my Guy whom I meet on POF. I believe its more about you and who you are willing to CD. For meeting men to practice the tools – its perfect and sometimes you find a fish that when you kiss they turn into a Prince X

    Sapphire x

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 1:56pm

  202. 202: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo,

    Thank you for your support. I know my relationship is very unconventional but that’s how I like it. Leaning back in life is something that will help me live longer…as I am a very anxious person, naturally, so leaning back and letting the man do some work really sounds healthy because trust me I can run myself into the ground!

    But yes, I do want to come here and ask questions and express myself when I can’t necessarily ask J how he feels (big no-no according to Rori).

    Just want some feely feedback :) Thank you for yours!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 2:43pm

  203. 203: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Sapphire, Wow, very inspiring story. Thanks for sharing about your spectacular success with POF! And congratulations!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 3:39pm

  204. 204: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Just completed a 13.50 mile bike ride with my kids. We leave for our wknd getaway tomorrow. So…keeping busy and having fun. Can’t say it’s taking my mind off of him tho :(

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 4:33pm

  205. 205: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am in love with a younger man….I spent the evening on the best CD ever! I was with my Grandson! I delight in him! He said to me…” Grandma, I think your beautiful and I love you. He is 4 .

    It simply does not get any better than that!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 5:55pm

  206. 206: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    MarikaB…sorry you are going thru this. I can relate completely. It’s such a horrible feeling. In my case I think he feels as tho he can’t give me the time that I deserve. Even tho I have tried many times to explain to him that that’s not the case. It’s SO frustrating.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:09pm

  207. 207: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    @ 176 FW wrote “Put yourself on a pedestal. That’s were prizes sit. That is loving yourself. Being worthy is different than entitled.” then…”Being selfish and taking care of your feelings is good. However with entitlement there is some expectations that other people kinda owe you something. The expectations are what need to be dealt with.

    This stirred a memory of a conversation I had with one of daughters about P earlier this year. She said Mom, P just doesn’t to be Grandpa to my kids. He doesnt automatically get that position if you are going to be with him. He needs to spend time.. building a relationship with me getting to know us.

    What she was talking about here was not being pushed around by a spirit of entitlement. I can remember feeling so doomed and discouraged that this was never going to smooth out and be ok. She was open to P but closed to his attitude/vibe of entitlement.

    Wow.. what a light bulb moment for me today. I can put another sub label on what I was dealing with there. YES… entitlement has an air of being owed something. It feels ugly and is very different that feeling worthy.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 6:58pm

  208. 208: SiranaNo Gravatar says:

    What do you do when he will not say I love you first or hug or kiss me first?
    He shows me he loves me in other ways but I feel like he refuses to say I love you first anymore. I feel like he is withholding this level of affection because I have hurt him the past. He takes care of me, making me my morning coffee or bringing me a glass of wine, calling me during day, planning date nights, etc but he will not say those words anymore. I hugged him today and he does not initiate or hold me tight. Should I let this go and be happy with his other signs of love? So hard to do when this is how I feel love. I have told him I need to hear these words but he is not willing to do it.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 7:00pm

  209. 209: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling all sad and angry and lonely. K has been logging into Tinder, but when I’ve asked, he always says I’m the only girl he’s talking to. He has my number, so why would he even be on the app if he’s telling the truth about me being the only girl? I wouldn’t even mind if he was talking to another, but why not just tell me? This is stupid and irrational of me, I know, but his attention feels good & I haven’t heard from him. If I were feeling stronger I don’t think I’d care, but I feel lonely and unsettled. :(

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:00pm

  210. 210: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens, I wanted to share that I have friends who have met their husbands online and so far things seem to be going well. I think it’s hard to assess a person from an online profile…I have to meet them in person. There are good and bad just like anything else I guess.
    I am going another route right now and doing some meetups instead of online dating..I’m also spending alot of time in coffee shops (I’m doing a lot of reading lately) and practicing Rori’s tools there…
    I feel indifferent if I meet men or not…I’ve been more focused on myself and my parents and my friends….
    And my goals…
    I do feel lonely sometimes and I do enjoy the attention…
    I just feel like I don’t want to be let down so I’ve been focusing on other things..
    Maybe I need to work on being more OPEN…
    I feel vulnerable and insecure about it!
    I feel so comfy by MYSELF…
    I feel lonely, YES…but its been so long since Ive been in a relationship…it feels very foreign to me !!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:14pm

  211. 211: A.A.No Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    I kinda wanted the second opinion of those who read the books and are doing the Modern Siren program.

    Is it feminine or masculine energy to go up to a guy you’re friends with and pretty much express how you feel?

    Like, would it be okay for me to just ask if I could talk with him for a minute, and just tell him”I really feel good around you, and I want to spend more time with you, and I don’t want to just be friends anymore. What do you think?”

    Is that chasing? (I’ve had a horrible bad habit of chasing, so I want to make sure I break this bad habit for good.)

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 8:55pm

  212. 212: SangelinaNo Gravatar says:

    A.A
    Are you willing to risk the friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way as you?
    I’m not sure but it sounds masculine energy to me

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:16pm

  213. 213: A.A.No Gravatar says:

    Sangelina – I don’t, but even as friends we hardly see each other outside work. I really want this to change, but I’m not desperate. I’ll wait and just work with the tools and have faith in the method.

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:39pm

  214. 214: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I remember someone on this blog mentioning “they always come back…” about men and CDs…
    I was literally just thinking that yesterday about CuteCityCD and how I had not heard from him….
    Within a couple of hours after thinking that he contacted me!
    It was totally unexpected…havent heard from him in ages…
    Anyway I just wanted to share! Nice to see all your names on the blog…
    I have been away for a while but hopefully some of you remember me :) xoxo
    Emerson

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 9:58pm

  215. 215: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hello AA!
    I admire your bravery and your pic is beautiful! I understand how it feels to have feelings for someone and wanting to express!! However….
    I *do* feel like your suggestion is a bit of chasing..
    Perhaps practice leaning back physically when you talk with him, expressing feeling messages about everything around you…simple things even “It feels so nice drinking this hot cupof coffee in the morning”…and waterwheeling, imagining your heart as a pool of gold and eyes as magnets…
    I love experimenting with these and see how men react…
    Its very magnetic…and before you know it THEY may be the ones expressing desire!!!
    Let us know how it goes!!

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:02pm

  216. 216: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    223 Iamhis
    Sorry about K…
    This is where I love CDing…I don’t get caught up on one guy…my attention goes elsewhere and whatever happens, happens,,,…in the meantime I am busy with other people so it is ok…
    It keeps me from feeling preoccupied with one person..
    And it keeps your energy fresh..K will feel the pull when you are turning your attention to other masculine energy men..
    Sending hugs…xoxo
    Emerson

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:13pm

  217. 217: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    221 Linda
    I really like what you said here…it feels very healthy to read your perspective about feeling entitled and having expectations versus spoiling ourselves and putting us on a pedestal…
    Very good things to keep in mind…
    I am feeling much more balanced these days and less anxious about myself in general…
    Perhaps because I have been putting myself first and I am close to reaching some pretty huge goals…
    I feel open to new experiences…
    ANd I know my boundaries…
    Good things are around the corner..
    Xoxo
    Emerson

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:20pm

  218. 218: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens sorry I’m spamming the blog after such a long absence…haha
    I feel hopeful and I also feel scared and cautious…
    I feel needy for male attention and yet I am so used to being alone…
    I feel content with myself but I feel inspired to improve my physique…
    Tomorrow I’m going to make some healthy yummy recipes!!
    I feel curious about new ways to get exercise like tennis or cycling…new to me!
    I feel good when I write intentions in the morning…
    I feel lucky I can call my parents when I feel lonely…

    Wednesday, 6 August 2014 @ 10:24pm

  219. 219: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis 223,

    Before you are exclusive please try and stay away from looking at whether he has logged in or not, or social media or any of that. It is a one-way ticket to unhappiness and expectations.

    The truth is, you should be chatting to other guys and not putting all of your focus on this one, no matter how much you like him. THAT will help you grow stronger.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:23am

  220. 220: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @230 Emerson – Thank you! “Cding” as defined as dating more than one guy is such a struggle for me!! I mean being a feeling, feminine, creature around men has never really been an issue for me. I do great with strangers. I don’t get asked out a lot, though. Ok, that’s not even true. Man, I feel so sad admitting this. I feel like I have this invisible armor I throw up when men ask me out. The truth is I feel so terrified and angry with men. They move too fast or not fast enough. They only want me for my looks. They judge me. I judge them. I rarely feel safe with men. Ugggggg. :(

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:25am

  221. 221: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    A.A. 225,

    Instead of expressing your feelings directly to him, which could come across as quite forward and masculine energy, how about expressing your interest in more subtle ways?

    Flirt with him, show interest in the things he talks about, hold eye contact for a couple of seconds and smile, consciously soften your voice and stance in his presence and let down your defences. Project a soft, sexy, feminine vibe in his presence. In my experience that often draws men in and makes them feel safe to communicate and ask you out without you having to lean forward.

    That is what I would do :) Just a thought

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:28am

  222. 222: KimNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited. And a little nervous and scared.
    Wildchild is taking me on a road trip to his home town tomorrow…meet the parents and friends and stuff.
    If no last minute work crap gets in-between.
    I think he means business lol.
    So cool. It has been forever since I went away with a man.
    And, he is booking a hotel room too! For my benefit, else he would have just stayed in his Mom’s house for sure….I never said a thing.
    Aw!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:29am

  223. 223: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @233 Indigo – just saw your comment. Thanks! I am chatting with other men, but a lot of times I just don’t feel safe to meet them in person. I felt really reluctant to even meet K in person, but he came on so strong I couldn’t refuse, & then made me feel safe and good once we were out together.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:32am

  224. 224: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I want to scream at men “DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME, YOU A&^$””””:: ‘$$#’!!!!!!” Even when they are acquaintances whom I know to be decent human beings. I feel sad because I don’t know where the anger comes from.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:37am

  225. 225: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    It feels really good when men tell me things I passionately love about myself. You’re so honest. It feels so good to hear that. I value honesty. I hold it as a virtue on a pedestal. I am drawn to honesty. People who are open about flaws & insecurities. People who don’t have anything to hide. I mean we all have things about us that we may not want to share. But when people do, it feels so beautiful.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:45am

  226. 226: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis,

    That is a whole wealth of stuff for you to focus on healing.

    As is the need to know whether or not your CD is chatting to other women. We are just simply not entitled to know that at this stage. That need is also something to be healed.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:46am

  227. 227: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I love my scared angry little girl. She really wants to protect me, because she loves me & doesn’t want me to feel pain or embarrassment.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:48am

  228. 228: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious as to why I wanted to know. The only reason I knew is because I was on there talking to other men myself while he and I were texting, I guess partially because I felt really anxious about what we were talking about, & I don’t know, almost wanted something else going on at the same time to calm me down? Wow, that feels really curious…

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:54am

  229. 229: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I’m laying here crying. I’m a deep feeler & I think I feel angry because I have this assumption that men don’t feel things deeply. They just get over things like they were nothing, but even as I type that I know it’s not true.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:58am

  230. 230: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    K really wants to go to the beach with me, but the beach brings up so many emotions in me. I kept coming up with excuses as to why I didn’t want to go (don’t know him well enough yet, separate cars would feel safer) but maybe the real reason is I feel scared of the emotions that might come up if I go to the beach with him?

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:04am

  231. 231: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I had a dream last night that Mom and I were fighting (which we often do) & Dad was trying to be the mediator between us (which he often is)

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:13am

  232. 232: AdrielNo Gravatar says:

    Linda (#218),

    Brilliant! I love this! My little godson had the same effect on me when he was a little guy. We basically adored each other. Little children are great for women’s hearts. Working at a nursery was what healed my heart when it was most broken by a foolish young man: experiencing the openness of the hearts of babies and toddlers, and the love and joy in their families when they came to pick them up. If there’s that much love in the world, who needs a man to feel good?!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:58am

  233. 233: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Marikab)))) – I don’t think you sound like a lunatic. I think I sound like a lunatic. I feel good knowing that I’m not alone in thinking I’m crazy, when that’s not necessarily true, lol. :)

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 6:39am

  234. 234: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Strong, intelligent women who have so much going for them thinking they sound and act like a lunatic just because of one man even though there might be some 3 billion others out there.

    What is wrong with that picture?

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 6:57am

  235. 235: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    MarikaB…I so know how your feeling. I too feel like I did something wrong. I messed up. I’m no longer hus priority after 3 yrs of being together. It hurts. Big time. Not much sleep last night. But when I did happen to sleep a little it was dreams of him.

    I also have a class reunion coming up on the 16th of this month. We were supposed to go together. We actually graduated together so he will be there. I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle seeing him. Maybe I shouldn’t go. But I’ve already bought a dress. Ugh! I just don’t know at this point. Friends and family are saying to go and have a good time. But how do you do that with the guy you love who no longer wants you around in the same room. Aaaahhhh! Tears are flowing today.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 6:59am

  236. 236: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You Rockstar it prplpsn. Tears flowing is just part of the process. It won’t last forever.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:01am

  237. 237: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The world is not going to fall apart

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:02am

  238. 238: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    So, what is a Rock Star?
    You change your clothes. You change your hair. You turn into a different person for yourself, so that you feel different.

    You show up at church. You show up at business and you treat him like a friend. You feel what you feel, which is longing and lust and horror and terror and anger, but you treat him like a friend and you do this without being false by saying to him these exact words. So, write these down.

    I’m feeling uncomfortable being around you. I would like to cut this relationship off now and I know we can’t because I also don’t want to leave church or the gym or our business relationship and so, I only want to have a cordial businesslike relationship with you. I still shake whenever I’m around you. I still feel bad whenever I’m around you. I’d appreciate it if you would honor my feelings.

    So, that is how you are a Rock Star – and what happens is you tell him the truth instead of pretending to be okay.

    You tell him the truth and then you go, “And you know what? Even though I feel all this, I’m going to take care of myself and taking care of myself right now is not being with you,” and then you Circular Date. Circular Dating is pretty much the cure for everything.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-to-do-with-an-imaginary-relationship/

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:14am

  239. 239: KimNo Gravatar says:

    FW, what’s wrong with that picture? LOL
    You are so right.
    What’s wrong is that we get stuck on some man and our intelligence, self love and rationality goes out of the window, and whatever everybody else says, we feel that this is the man for us and we need him for any price, including our own destruction.
    Yuck, yuck, yuck.
    Really?
    I hope to never get to that point again. I have been there, for years with one man.
    There are indeed billions of others out there. There is indeed enough men that simply want to make us feel good, run in our door, where we don’t have to worry and wait and turn into lunatics….
    Basically, I think there is a path to tread and some are just a little further on the path and others still have to pound concrete.
    That’s it.
    We can get unstuck with time and effort, unstuck from ANY man. It’s possible.
    There isn’t just one soulmate.
    My soulmate is definitely NOT the man who doesn’t step up and doesn’t contact me…or doesn’t run in my door…that is all something that can be unlearnt.
    I am proof. I hope that I never get stuck on any man again unless he is my husband lol.
    There you go!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:31am

  240. 240: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Leave it up to him. Stay or go.

    Put plants around your mental and emotional self. Plants that will give you shade to your thoughts and feelings and nurture and feed you – and invite a man in to sit in the shade and share your bounty.

    Don’t ask him to “stick.”

    Don’t be afraid of him going.

    Change your flypaper to lovely, sweet, feeling-filled YOU – and change your life.

    Love, Rori

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/uncategorized/are-you-flypaper/

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:38am

  241. 241: NessieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies! I’ve been following this blog for well over a year now, but have never posted because I feel shy, and also I’d like to wait to start posting when I know I’ll be able to do so regularly. I feel compelled to write to you, Prplpsn28, because of the near-desperation I am sensing from you. I feel a little out of place writing to you because I have never been married, however, the way you are expressing yourself reminds me of how I felt after my first boyfriend, who I had been with for 7 years, broke up with me 3 years ago. I barely ate, barely slept, wanted to break down and cry all the time, begged him to come back, even asked my mom to sleep with me for a while to keep me company (I feel embarrassed admitting this)…and after about 6 weeks, I suddenly got bored! Yes, I still had strong feelings for him, yes, I had to go no contact with him for about 2 months, but in the end, I was (and still am) okay! We are good friends these days and I am happy to say that for a while now, all romantic feelings have completely died, and I don’t even WANT to consider anything beyond friendship with him ever again! (He cheated on my twice while we were together so that probably helped). When I first started to really get over him, it felt so weird, like, “wow, I had such strong feelings for this person and felt like I literally wanted to die after we broke up, and now I feel HAPPIER?”…anyway, my point is, hang in there! In the end, no matter what happens, you will be okay!!! :D

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:40am

  242. 242: NessieNo Gravatar says:

    I just realized, I’m not sure whether H was your husband or boyfriend, so let’s say I felt out of place commenting because I don’t feel very experienced when it comes to relationships…haha!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:46am

  243. 243: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim #255.
    Yay !! YOU!!!

    getting unstuck does take time and effort!!! Aghhh!!
    I was stuck also for over a year!!
    I thought the pain and agony would NEVER end… but CDing and learning to find MY feelings
    and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MY feelings…
    and Rori’s coaches were a Big help
    and stalking this blog!! :->

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:53am

  244. 244: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim!!!
    A road trip to meet the parents!!!
    Wow… I like this!! he does mean business!!
    :>}

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:17am

  245. 245: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    This is all so confusing to me. When I see him I’m supposed to act like his friend but at the same time tell him I’m uncomfortable being around him so I’m going to walk away. Huh???

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:21am

  246. 246: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    146 Mandy,
    Sorry I was away for a few days:)

    I totally get it. No worries!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:34am

  247. 247: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Azure Blu…I am quite surprised myself….lol.
    :)
    Happy

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:37am

  248. 248: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Well prplpsn in as much as I totally get how you are feeling I want to also tell you that you don’t have to do or act in any way particular. You get to choose what you want to do. If you wish to cry in front of him or beg him to take you back you could also. Then you’d get to see what that could create.

    For me I’d prefer to experiment with what Rori suggests.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 9:49am

  249. 249: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @250 Feminine Woman – This does feel very curious to me. As though somewhere at some point, women have been conditioned to associate feeling a variety and intensity of emotions as “crazy.”

    For me, I don’t “feel like a lunatic over one man.”

    It’s just I feel so much sometimes it feels as though the world is spinning. Sometimes I say or do irrational things when I’m feeling so much. Some of the things I do or say are desperate attempts to protect myself or just to make myself feel better when a man or even myself hasn’t treated me with proper care.

    You bring up an interesting point…

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 10:53am

  250. 250: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel frustrated with freezing computers, misplaced paperwork, and disappearing online forms at the moment. *sigh*

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 10:55am

  251. 251: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    The way I see it, and I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone, it is not ever about “should”.

    I feel that I need to either choose to be around a man or walk away from him because of my own reasons, which are based on how I FEEL. If I feel able to rockstar it in that situation… then great, there is probably nothing I can’t handle. However if I feel I need to take myself away from the situation to protect myself, in order to work on myself or build my strength, or simply to have time away, then that’s what I need to do. I always like to make my decisions based on my own reasons and what is going on inside me, rather than on anything to do with the man, or even what anyone else might think is the right thing for me.

    I like to make my decisions based on what I feel is best for me. And I think the way you interact with another human being, depending on who they are and their issues at that particular time, and who you are and what you can handle at this particular time… well, that interplay can bring up so many different possibilities that I don’t think there is a one size fits all. I like to decide how I’m going to relate to someone based on what feels good and what feels right and loving for me. And that can change.

    Maybe I’ll feel able to be around a person in a year’s time whom I don’t feel able to be around now.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 11:15am

  252. 252: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    FW … :-)

    Marikab… You remind me of me. When I read your posts I feel like I could be watching a championship pong match with only one player. I certainly have experienced many seasons in my life where I would think things and stew over them all time. I resolved little and gave others too much say and power over my wellness. There was just always this noise in my heart. I can remember saying to myself over and over “my worth and wellness is not dependent on … and I filled in the blank. I began taking control over my thoughts and deciding whether they were supporting my goal of feeling balanced and peaceful inside. Little by little I redirected my energy and started concentrating on what I was feeling and investing my energy into what would help me reach my goals.

    Over time things have shifted. At times I find myself chasing myself in my thoughts… but I don’t do it for long and I reel it back in. I feel quite protective of my peaceful place inside…and when I begin to feel anxious and out of balance for me…I know that I am trying to live with, make due with, or accept something that does not fit or is not “good for me”.

    So many times I have been encouraged to be kind to myself here. I used to so hard and unforgiving, even hostile toward myself. I know I mentioned this before but it truly all did begin with me standing in the mirror and using the painting myself with love tool. If I get out of sorts… I will go surround myself with what sooths and builds me up.

    I wish this for you and all the sirens here.

    xoxo

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 3:11pm

  253. 253: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    This has been a busy week for me. I have three college friends in town visiting and while work is slow I have to be in the office a lot which is eating up my time.

    I’ve been CD’ing when I can. Mostly short interactions with food servers or men on the train. TenderCD and I have spoken every day but I haven’t seen him. He’s got a big deadline at work this week.

    Yesterday I ran into a huge and unexpected trigger. TenderCD asked what my plans were for Friday. I shared that I would be taking a class in the early evening. This is a class we often take together. He said he’d be at the class that day as well. I asked which time he was taking…and then didn’t hear back from him until this morning, when he said he was signed up for the same class as me but would likely try to take one earlier in the day.

    I have no idea why but this made me feel ANGRY. In my mind this translated to: ‘I know I could see you but I don’t want to.’ Never mind that his words and intent felt nothing like that silly statement of fear. I felt a rush of old feelings come up…abandonment, frustration, and a very dark anger that scared me in its intensity. I wanted to yell, I wanted to run, and yet I also wanted him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it was all OK. I felt scared about the future and could practically picture my dreams of happy times to come with my dream man, marriage and children slip down the drain. I could feel the anger vibrating out of me in waves and it scared me that he might feel it too. All this from a few innocent words!

    At first, I wanted to talk to him about it. Every time I tried to write out a script it came out being about him. Either sharing my feelings about him (which is about him, not me) or sharing how he upset me. That helped me realize that this fear, this intense anger, this whatever wasn’t about him at all. It was me. I felt both deeply relieved and yet still stuck in discovering this! I’m sure that part of my feelings comes from an underlying current of still not being sure whether to invite him to a BBQ on Saturday or not.

    If it’s all me how do I move beyond it? I sank into the feelings for a bit until they transformed back into a more peaceful vibe. I’ve been giving myself extra love today, treating myself extra well and painting myself with love. I do feel better now and can see that this is all inside of me and has nothing to do with him. I don’t need to talk to him about it but I do feel somewhat disconnected from him at the moment. I’m leaning back, keeping myself open and vulnerable. Hoping my energy settles soon.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 3:55pm

  254. 254: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Linda that was absolutely lovely to read.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:03pm

  255. 255: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    MarikaB — Do you see all the pressure you’re putting on yourself right now? From my seat I see you making decisions about what you will or won’t do when T contacts you again, or assigning meaning to the communication (or lack you feel) right now? How about loving yourself instead? Loving the fear, loving the intimacy you felt and are now denying yourself — not with any man but with YOU, yourself. You haven’t made any mistakes. Not a single one.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:08pm

  256. 256: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Now in re-reading my post I can see how I upset myself. I got into Expectations Land, haha! Expecting that I would see TenderCD on Friday night and trying to make it happen instead of just surrendering to whatever will be.

    I feel a little better now. Though of course, I’d still like to see him! It would feel good after an exhausting week. We’ll see what surprises might unfold…

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 4:10pm

  257. 257: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    MarikaB – oh yes oh God I can remember so many times being told to let it go. It used to make me even more frustrated. If my words came across that way I’m sorry, it wasn’t what I meant. Sinking in and letting yourself be with the feelings might be more productive than letting them go. It sounds like you are taking excellent care of yourself. :)

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:10pm

  258. 258: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW! You have been a helpful siren to me many a time! I have learned so much here and there have many times you have said just the right thing or challenged me at just the perfect moment. ( I do have the words … “You made your decision, now honor the woman who was looking out for her best interest” ) It inspires me and always shifts and renews my energy and focus every time my eyes fall on those words. :)


    I was feeling a bit tense earlier. I enjoy being outside so much and it is such a nice evening in my neck of the woods tonight ! So I packed up my little pup and went to my favorite park and walked. She is like a little bullet driven by her nose. All 6 pounds of her sooo excited to explore. So I CD’d with my dog tonight. Smiled a people, let children pet her which she loves. It is delightful watching her explore and enjoying her company. She is the perfect mix of sweet and spunky. I am still working on her understanding that “I” am the pack leader and it is not her though. haha

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:51pm

  259. 259: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    MarikaB I’ve been in the place where I was bawling my eyes out. Curled up in a fetal ball and can’t move forward. I have travelled to a far away land to get away from it all. It was one of the best things I did to get my mind away from the grieving. Today many years later I have learned a lot. Such as a heartbreak can be like a heart attack. It can create physical effects that can put your life at risk. Also in the grand scheme of things if I was lying on my death bed with some terminal illness how important would any man be to me anyway. Especially a man who is not my life partner that I have been living with?

    As far as I am concerned – me first. I’ve been there and done that so now I am in a place where the fastest I can turn my attention away from something that is not working for me is the fastest I can get back to thriving. I prefer to gently redirect my attention than to stay stuck. Something I have learned since joining this blog.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 5:59pm

  260. 260: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    MarikaB…thanks for thinking of me. I’m doing ok tho not great. Having a good time and lots of laughs with my kids on our little get away. But he’s still very much on my mind. Makes me sad. Tonights the first night I’m missing our weekly date night. Kids are in the room watching tv. I’m out on the balcony watching the hussle and bussle of this little town and bawling my eyes out. I miss our conversations. Even thru texting.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:11pm

  261. 261: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Marika if he didn’t ask a question then there is nothing to respond to.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 7:12pm

  262. 262: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Im reminding myself to take baby steps! It’s ok! I am looking forward to the weekend and taking care of me!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:21pm

  263. 263: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    283 FW
    I love what you are saying here…thank you for sharing about your pain. I feel that is wise advice to turn away from something that is not working…
    I have gotten better at that myself.
    I realized the other day how much I have learned from this blog especially about leaning back and about creating our situations for ourselves…

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:24pm

  264. 264: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    New article is up!

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 8:29pm

  265. 265: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman–

    I love this: “the fastest I can turn my attention away from something that is not working for me is the fastest I can get back to thriving.”

    ThAt makes so much sense! And is an encouragement to not dwell on anything that isn’t serving us.

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 9:32pm

  266. 266: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    This blog and all you lovely sirens have taught me that voting for myself and getting out of my own way is essential…
    Sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot and what is the point of that?
    It is this weird self punishing self defeating habit that I had…and imagining the worst or just not having a clear vision in general…and I ended up with dead ends!
    Lately its been one thing after another that’s blooming for me…
    I love my vision board and I do have a spiritual connection and prayer that is important to my well being too…Ialways have but it’s different now…
    I feel much more at peace with it all..

    Thursday, 7 August 2014 @ 10:30pm

  267. 267: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    (((Purple)))

    One day at a time.

    I know when I am grieving, I tend to jump ahead to days, weeks, months from now… and I do myself a disservice.

    Just one day at a time. Even one moment at a time.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 12:25am

  268. 268: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Marika B,

    I agree with Feminine Woman, and I have heard Dominique say the same thing. A smiley face does not ask for a response.

    With the way I am feeling now, I would not respond to that. If you look at it objectively, it is not much effort or energy coming towards you at all.

    If you would prefer that he call you, then you could craft a feeling message. But ultimately I think if his texts and lack of effort make you feel like this, you could start redirecting your energy away. I have found that when I am throwing a lot of my effort and energy into something which is not giving much back to me, it is a sign for me to start pulling my investment out of there.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 12:35am

  269. 269: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Marika I feel like I am in a very similar situation again.
    The last time I heard from him was tuesday and no text or anything.
    If G would send me a smiley face I wouldn’t respond,
    if he would send me good nite – I wouldn’t respond…

    as Indigo said it is not much effort or energy coming at ALL.

    I also wonder if I will hear from him again. I am proud of myself that I haven’ t reached out to him …its an improvement!! And I won’t even so if I do not hear from him for days and if he send me two word texts either. Its just not enough energy coming to me and it feels crummy.

    I also can relate to the feeling of having not time , of feeling impatient and I know its my anxiety creeping up, and it feels so uncomfortable , that in the past I always wanted it to go away and that’s why I was doing and leaning forwards.
    I kept myself sane by listening to Roris programms – this really helps me.

    Otherwise I realsised too that I can not continue to see him for occasional sex. I want more.
    And if he connects again and ask us to meet. I am going to say:
    I don’t feel good. I realised I am not valuing my desires, not valuing what I want for myself. I want more than casual sex and I do not want to go on like that. What do you think.

    So far as Indigo beautifully expressed : I have found that when I am throwing a lot of my effort and energy into something which is not giving much back to me, it is a sign for me to start pulling my INVESTMENT out of there.

    Yes I need to pull my investment back.

    I also realised that even if it would be only a FWB connection , twice a month sex isn’t enough for me, I would want more.

    So either way it doesn’t work out for me.

    I wonder if any of the sirens here had the experience of having sex with a CD and than retreating from sex…
    How did you bring this boundary in? Did you actually tell him and was there a break,
    or did you tell him when you met that you don’t feel like it anymore, or..
    i would be greatefull for any feeling messages or experience on having sex and than retreating from sex.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 4:55am

  270. 270: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Marika I was just writing my post while you posted it seems.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 5:01am

  271. 271: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I also went on a date with the coach yesterday . he knows about my connection with G and he even gave me advice and feedback, eg. that if he would be into a women he would want to meet her several times a week and call etc.
    He tried to kiss me , and it felt uncomfortable, I moved back and than remembered roris advice to surrender to be kissed. He tried it again and I surrendered, but it didn’t feel good at all. I am not into him, I do not find him attractive, his looks, his smell, etc. He is nice and I feel comforatble to talk to him and be myself but I do not feel attracted to him and I told him as well as he kept saying that he knows that I am hung up on the other guy and that if i wouldn’t I would be much more open to him. And no I don’t think that’s it. If I would feel attracted to him I would easily forget G.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 5:21am

  272. 272: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 295 MarikaB he knows you are married so there is only so much you can give and because you are giving it, as a man he is just accepting it. There is nothing to end. There is nothing to fizzle. There is nothing. If the situations were reversed his loyalty would be with his wife so he might only take what he can get in the moment when he could get it then continue living his life.

    He knows a grown man take the oars and steer the ship. He knows he is being immature in his life right now. Maybe that is what he might have been refering to. Realizing it is time to man up to his life. Many men choose rebound situations to cover the pain of a breakup rather than facing the pain.

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 8:14am

  273. 273: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo -207 – Thank you! xx

    Friday, 8 August 2014 @ 1:34pm

  274. 274: NoquayNo Gravatar says:

    I was on POF for about a year; very frustrating. I am not Christian like the poster, yet I am seeking a real relationship, not a hookup. Twas the same old, same old; most guys apparently did not read my profile otherwise they’d have known that we were in no way compatible or didn’t care. The difference in the quality of men found on the site may be related to geographic location. Here, in a remote mountain area, most of the men are not a good match for myself simply due to differences in core values and lifestyle. Near the ski resorts you have a mix of serious down and outers and visitors to the ski areas who live elsewhere and are looking for casual. It may be very different near a large city.

    Saturday, 9 August 2014 @ 6:22am

  275. 275: TamiNo Gravatar says:

    I too, had many of the same issues with PoF. As have nearly every female I know that has tried it. I had help from a male expert in writing my profile and choosing pictures, but still, same result. However, that being said, I did have several dates with nice men, just none that I was interested in after a few dates. :)

    Monday, 11 August 2014 @ 1:41am

  276. 276: Teresa TuckerNo Gravatar says:

    It is strange. I had never heard about this website until I read it here on this blog. I was asking a friend if she heard of this site because she is on one of them. She then proceeded to explain to me that the guy I am dating is on that site. I did not believe it so I went to the site….narrowed down the area we live in and there he was. So I am now sitting here trying to decide how I go about bringing this up. We have been dating for almost 2 years now things were rocky in the beginning but I thought things were good as I have taken a step back and try to let him come to me. In fact 2 weeks ago he asked me to move in with him because I said I wanted to spend more time with him. Now were do I go…I want to be rational and calm. Help!!!

    Thursday, 14 August 2014 @ 4:45pm

  277. 277: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Teresa – welcome – and – after 2 years, in my world, you must be able to say ANYTHING to this man!!! Talk is where it’s at. When you next see him in person, please, sit down, and say something’s feeling weird and you’d feel so much better if you could get it cleared up. He should respond with something like ‘What’s wrong?” (even if his body says “defensive”) – Calmly sit there, feel everything you’re feeling (if he’s active on the site, as opposed to not bothering to get off it – those are different situations), say ” I feel so great about the possibility of living together, I love you and would love to be together with you in the same space, and my friend just out of the blue told me that she saw you on POF, and so I went there and saw you there, too, so before I make a decision about us living together, could you please help me by clearing that up?” And then look at him for information. Stay COOL!!! Do NOT make ‘assumptions”! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 16 August 2014 @ 10:35am

  278. 278: TeresaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the advise Rori. I will let you know how it works out.

    Saturday, 16 August 2014 @ 4:33pm

  279. 279: TeresaNo Gravatar says:

    The emotions that I am feeling right now I can’t even put in to words. I just found out through a friend that the man (first initial) G I have been seeing is on POF. Now I find out that he is not just on this website but he is online and active. This changes the dynamics of everything. I know Rori said,”to stay calm” don’t assume until I speak with him but for me why?? Why do you need to be on this site. We have been through many rough patches in this relationship.
    I now can say that I have always been the one who has given. I am the one who has always broke the silence first. Now if I could just stop crying I might be able to ask him what is going on?
    Why does love have to be soooo hard? Does man nor woman have respect for each other anymore?

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 5:36am

  280. 280: TeresaNo Gravatar says:

    Could my life get any worse??? As I am typing and crying I have just found out that the man that I love or thought I knew is now on two dating sites. Am I that stupid? Have I ignored all the signs…were there signs? I am crushed my heart is broken.

    God please help me get through this day and days to come.

    I have not spoke to him in two days.

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 7:39am

  281. 281: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Teresa,

    That must be so hard. Many hugs to you. If you join the most recent thread and chat to the Sirens there, we will all help you if we can.

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 8:02am

  282. 282: TeresaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Indigo!

    If I could only stop crying. Why, that’s all I keep thinking about is why? Should I have done this differently? Should I have not been so open about everything? So many questions and no answers. I want to confront him but since I haven’t spoken to him in two days is this the end….is this his way of saying see ya?

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 8:21am

  283. 283: k3No Gravatar says:

    Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion but the experience is different for everyone. My current partner’s sister is now happily married with 2 children to a man she met on POF 7 years ago and my current partner & I met on there 3 years ago & plan to be happily married with a family one day when finances increase :-)

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 5:37pm

  284. 284: Sha takeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori,
    I am pleased to say that I have been reading your emails as well listening to CDs and ebooks that I have. I feel that I have made great progress. I have a personal trainer, a new job, my confidence and self esteem are through the roof. I am happy and I have not felt this good about my life and myself in years. I have men calling and I am confident saying how I feel and what I feel with confidence and ease. I truly thank you for helping me feel so much better. Now here’s the kicker that I need your help with. I apologize in advance for the length of my post.

    My sister called me and told me that someone from my past wanted me back and told her husband that he realizes that I am the woman he wants to spend the rest if his life with. She was not supposed to tell me because he said he felt that it’s something that we should talk about on our own. Rori I have never loved someone as much as I loved this man. I thought we would be together forever. When we were together it just felt right but he hurt me and I’m not sure how to tell him that. I don’t know if I trust that he truly wants to be with me forever. He has been texting me and asked to see me but I can’t see him yet. My feelings mixed. I want to give him a chance but I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t know how to tell him that I was angry, disappointed, and hurt by the way things were ended before. I did A LOT of leaning forward before and I realize that now. I want to continue to be the strong, confident, beautiful woman that I am. I don’t want to feel that I am being mean but I want him to understand how I feel. Thanks Rori!!!

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 8:10pm

  285. 285: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sha take, Welcome, and BRAVA for everything you are! AND – taking yourself through situations that may “seem” to be “difficult” based on your past experiences may seem “dangerous” – AND, yet, there’s learning to be got from everything. I encourage you to not listen to your friend or anyone else, except to tell her that you are open to new men (including this man), that you will treat him with respect as you would any man, that you will not hold your prior experience together against him, that you will be happy to see what he has to say and perhaps date him as you do other men. Then stick to the Circular Dating and do NOT let yourself get hung up. If you do – this is a great learning experience for you to stay confident, speak your truth, and trust yourself. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 17 August 2014 @ 9:18pm

  286. 286: SharonClarkeNo Gravatar says:

    POF works for me, it’s great for practising on many levels. You can easily weed out those that are just looking for sex or rather they weed themselves out.
    I am also on match and OK cupid.
    They all help to meet lots of interesting people!
    Currently I am dating several from all these sites.

    Monday, 18 August 2014 @ 9:57am

  287. 287: ShaTakeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori and Friends,

    I just wanted to give an update on my current situation! Rori I did it! I did something that I never thought I would have the power to do! I told the guy exactly how I felt. This was a big step for me because I have never been able to tell him how I felt, and I don’t know why. I guess I was always so afraid of losing him although I lost him anyway! Lol! Anyway I I planted my feet, stood firm took a deep breath and felt something rise inside of me & I let go! I felt so at ease and powerful even! When I finished, He spoke to me in a way that he never had before. It was like he finally understood. There is power in my words & my feelings & with each day I am learning to use it. Thank you for showing me how to regain my confidence & my spirit as a woman!

    Monday, 1 September 2014 @ 6:17pm

  288. 288: StephanieNo Gravatar says:

    I met my man on POF and have met quite a few great men on there as well. I learned early on set my mail settings high, and while that may result in less mail, it resulted in the right kind of mail. Here’s my rules to make online dating and POF successful:

    1. Mail Settings: Block mail from people not in the age bracket you want. Block mail from people looking to – Hang Out, Friendship, Married, Intimate Encounters. Meaning only receive email from men looking for Dating or Long Term Relationship.
    2. I do not reply to any emails that start with, mention or end with: Hey sexy. Hi or Hello. You’re beautiful. Wow. You’re hot. etc. Anything that mentions anything about my body, my body parts or anything sexual gets deleted.
    3. I do not initiate contact.
    4. If a man doesn’t ask me out after corresponding 3x back and forth, I delete him as an option. I want a man who wants to meet me. I don’t want to spend time investing and sharing a lot of personal information with someone I’ve never met, unless it’s long distance.
    5. The pictures on my profile are only two or three maximum: smiling face, full body shot in a nice dress and possibly a casual and fun one.
    6. I don’t give out my phone number or any personal information. Dates are arranged at a public place via POF or the dating site. If I decide that I like him and want a second date, and he asks me, I will give him my phone number.

    I hope this helps those finding dating sites frustrating or disrespectful. They’re really are a lot of great men on POF and the other sites. I have also heard other success stories, other than mine about Match and E-Harmony. Happy Fishing Everyone!

    If you want specific help attracting the love of your life, stop by my website http://www.stephanieturnercoaching.com and I look forward to serving you!

    Wednesday, 3 September 2014 @ 7:45pm

  289. 289: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Stephanie – Everyone – This is Stephanie Turner – http://www.StephanieTurnerCoaching.com – one of my amazing new coaches! Thank you SO much for this detailed advice. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 3 September 2014 @ 10:08pm

  290. 290: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    ShaTake – BRAVA to YOU!!! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 3 September 2014 @ 10:10pm

  291. 291: FrannieNo Gravatar says:

    I have also used POF. I’ve been on there twice now. My friend met her (now) husband on there, which is what prompted me to try it the first time.

    So first time around, it was back in Oct/Nov, 2012. Had several first dates that never went any further. There were definitely guy contacting me who only wanted naked pics and booty calls. I weeded them out. I hadn’t felt intrigued until I started chatting with my ex. We are no longer together, but POF brought us together.

    This time around, I went back on there in August. I was armed with some of Rori’s teachings, and was able to weed through all the crap immediately. I started chatting with someone who really piqued my interest. We started having phone conversations and I’ve been using all my feeling messages. He’s told me he feels safe with me…something no one else has ever said. He’s the sweetest, nicest guy I have ever met.

    So in short, POF does work, you just have to weed through all those men out there who are just looking for a booty call. POF is free, so you definitely get what you pay for.

    Good luck to everyone using POF!!

    Thursday, 18 September 2014 @ 7:59am

  292. 292: CharlotteNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Roni I felt to share my experience of Plenty Of Fish Yes their are all types you meet on their . But that is anywhere in life . I meet my future Christian husband on POF and although their are less favorable on their you always have to sift through the weeds to find the bloom . Likewise ironically my son found him an amazing woman as well . It’s no different then going out and meeting people it doesn’t mean all you meet will be worthy we just have to sift intil we find what fits . So to the lady who said it isn’t a good choice I differ I meet an amazing man that seen in me what I could not see in myself . I just wanted to share my experience with POF . Have a wonderful blessed day . With Love Charlotte

    Friday, 19 September 2014 @ 5:46am

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