If You’re Done Being A Single Woman – Try This…

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated – especially with all the help and options you find online and just in the sheer numbers of single men everywhere… if you’re frustrated with the process of dating, the hopes you have for your romantic future that you hope dating will lead you to…if your “dating equation” is dating = dread, disappointment and despair – where one minute you’re up and the other you’re very, very down – I know how you feel, and there’s a way out of it.

There’s a way that dating can be – yes – FUN. Fun, and full of desire and excitement. Way more up than down.

I’m married now, and brilliantly so, and for a very long time – but it wasn’t always like that. I was there in the pit of despair for more years than I care to remember, crawling out for dates and crawling back home, and I don’t want you or any of my clients to be there.

The technique I discovered that stopped all that pain and frustration, that led my husband to me and made me able to have the dream relationship and marriage I have is so simple, and yet so far away from what anyone was doing then and what anyone is doing now…I had to put it into a form I could teach. That form is a Tool I call “Circular Dating.” It’s the cure for everything negative about dating, and fastest way to get your Mr. Right.
The way Circular Dating works, and what makes it work so fast, is that it’s about getting you your Mr. Right – and in the fastest, easiest, most fun way possible – but without focusing on getting you your Mr. Right.

How can that be? You get what you want but that’s not what you’re going for? Yep. Here’s how Circular Dating works:

1. Opportunity:

Every single minute of every day where you’re out in the world or at an online dating site or on Facebook, or social networking, or looking at clubs and meetings and activities and classes in your neighborhood – you have an opportunity to get closer to your Mr. Right.

Yeah – there’s the part about – you may actually meet him that way. You might actually connect with Mr. Right online or through a Facebook friend or at a class or lecture – or even a bar – but that’s not the “opportunity” I’m talking about here.

Circular Dating says that if you use every opportunity with every man everywhere (even for brief seconds in the market or the dry cleaners) to get yourself better prepared for Mr. Right – Mr. Right will simply show up. Circular Dating says that if you interact with every single man who shows up – if you talk to them, sit down with them, meet them, walk with them, date them (yes – all at the same time, no falling into the “girlfriend” trap allowed here), sometimes even sleep with them (the rules for this are very customized), your Mr. Right will show up – and he won’t have any nonsense about him.

The nuts and bolts of Circular Dating is time management, managing what you do and say, and managing your emotions, too. Juggling men and opportunity is a new game here – it has shortcuts, rules for you to make for yourself, and short term and long-term goals to set for yourself.

Done right, Circular Dating gives you all the advantages of being pro-active for yourself, with none of the fallout of accidentally pushing good men away with what I call Forward Leaning, masculine “chasing” behavior. Because in Circular Dating, the goals have nothing to do with the “man.”

So…here’s what you Practice:

2. Receiving Love:

This is about learning how to love. Because love, and inspiring a man to fall in love with you forever is all about you being able to RECEIVE love.

Most of us only know how to GIVE. We give for lots of reasons – because we’re taught that’s the way to get to a man’s heart (it isn’t) and because we saw our mothers do it, and because we think it’s the way to be a “good woman” (we get “giving” all confused with “kindness”) – and because we’re SCARED to GET love.

We think it should be natural for us to want to be loved. We think it’s easy to receive love – because we dream about it and fantasize about it so much – but the truth is – if we weren’t instinctively RUNNING from love, we’d have it already! Even in a long, tortured, hot-and-then-cold relationship – if we find ourselves still THERE – then we’re running from love.

There’s a reason for all those Mr. Wrongs.

There’s a reason for all the time you spent with a man and read him wrong (where he seemed too good to be true and then he was). There’s a reason you thought you’d end up at the altar and you ended up in the pit of broken hearts. There’s a reason all the men who show up for you seem the same. The same level of maturity, the same level of commitment-phobia, the same level of masculinity.

3. Instant Connecting

To get out of singleness, and connect with your Mr. Right, you have to be able to connect. And connecting is a skill set! We’re so often now afraid of being hurt, afraid of being rejected, afraid of being intimate, afraid of being SEEN. We’re afraid of being ourselves, because we’re so required to be “a product” in social networking and online dating profiles. It’s this fear that closes down our hearts, makes us get cold when a man comes near, and keeps us from connecting.

Connecting is about Emotion. And we women have all been sold a lie that men don’t like emotion. That they’re “afraid” of emotions. Well, men can’t stand “drama” (and that’s what they mean by “being emotional”) but they fall to their knees in adoration for a woman who can Feel.

Connecting means taking your walls down. Being who you are and loving who you are. Feeling your feelings and sharing what you feel in words a man can hear – simple words that feel real to you and real to him. The incredible thing that happens when you learn to do this is that you become magnetic. You become irresistibly attractive. You make a man feel excited and safe – all at the same time. When this happens – you connect straight to a man’s heart – instantly.

And how do you do this?

Take a look at how you’re NOT doing this, right now.

When you go to the coffee shop, do you look at the floor, at a book, at your coffee cup? Or are you spinning around in your head, thinking about things? Well – no one can connect to you like that. There’s no invitation there.

Or, are you so on the lookout for a good man that you’re on your tippy toes, looking around, starting conversations, chatting – trying to drum up Mr. Right? Well – no one can connect to you like that. Everyone’s as afraid of being steam-rollered or clung to as you are.

When you’re on a “date” with a man, or just having a conversation – are you talking about business, or what you “think” about things, or giving him information? Or are you sharing your feelings and experiences of the day in an emotional, juicy way? Are you in your head, or in your heart?

4. Free Therapy

Circular Dating helps you keep the focus off of any particular man by keeping your focus on YOU. If you focus on healing your old wounds and undoing your old useless patterns, and learning new, more intimate ways to talk and be with a man (this has nothing to do with sex) – you can cure neediness, desperation, fear, depression and the closed down opposite – the “I don’t care’s.”

Instead of thinking of dating as the “path to Mr. Right” – you think of dating as “Free Therapy.”

How can this be? How can a clueless or unavailable or over-eager or even unattractive man be your therapist? And for free?

Well – this way: You don’t pay for anything on dates, so it’s free. And therapy is, in my work, healing yourself in the presence of someone else. So with Circular Dating – you get to heal yourself in the presence of every man you encounter – even if it’s only for a brief second.

You might have gone out with a man who was like a stone, but you connected with the waiter. You might have gone out with a man who adored you but made you want to run because he never stopped talking about himself or making sexual remarks – and you practiced being yourself and speaking the truth with him and shared exactly how that made you feel – and so you walked out of that date feeling powerful and more who you really are. Success! You’ll stop judging how an evening went by checking off one more gruesome date, and start appreciating how an evening went by checking off how your practicing went, and if there was anything to learn from the experience.

5. Surprise

Being surprised means you give up control. You give up trying to make things “happen” in the moment – while staying focused on your long-term goal – a magnificent, committed relationship or marriage. You give up trying to have a wonderful evening, give up trying to get the man in front of you or the man who hasn’t yet called to DO anything. While you stay proactive in your love life by creating and taking opportunity, you are NOT proactive about any specific or particular man. You get out of your own way by not focusing on loving any one man – and instead focus on loving yourself.

Being surprised means each moment is new. You’re starting over. Everything’s fresh, washed clean every single moment. It’s not knowing – and when you practice enough – not CARING what’s going to happen. It’s about being curious instead of obsessed. Interested instead of focused. It’s about holding your happiness above all other accomplishments, and trusting yourself to choose in every moment whether or not you want to be there.

With enough practice – the willingness to be surprised is so pleasurable…you’ll actually FEEL the romance come into your life.

Here’s the Basic Drill for Practicing Circular Dating (the Hows of it, all the nuts and bolts, every baby step, is in my Targeting Mr. Right program):

1. Love yourself hard (hug yourself often and never beat yourself up for mistakes)
2. Set it up so you’re in the middle of opportunity – online and where you go and what you do
2. Once you’re in the middle of opportunity – practice just being – instead of doing
3. Smile at everyone you see if you’re feeling good – and if you’re not feeling good – work on THAT
4. Talk with every man who talks to you first.
5. Go out with every man who asks you unless he frightens you.
6. Get curious – about the world and everyone in it and everyone you see and talk to
7. Listen
8. Feel
9. Express instead of Impress (forget all about what anyone else thinks – you just love YOU)
10. Speak the Truth
11. Speak only about yourself. No gossip, no analyzing him or anyone else, no judging. Just YOU.
12. Be Surprised

Try these and see how it can change your love life practically overnight.

Love, Rori

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289 Comments to “If You’re Done Being A Single Woman – Try This…”

  1. 1: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    ohhhhhhhhhhh
    Trigger.
    I haven’t been doing all of these things. When on dates I’ve been not talking about me, I always thought that was rude…I tend to talk about my family or other non religion, non politics stuff.
    Booo
    Now I feel defensive like I’ve been doing stuff all wrong. maybe that’s why I haven’t been getting any dates, or more that two dates.
    Booo
    I feel bad, like I shoulda know this and didn’t.
    I feel triggered.
    Men don’t’ approach me in public. Well except the coffee shop guy who takes my order and other such working guys…never the random guys *IN* the coffee shop.
    Even when I do this stuff.
    Ok, no more beating me up.
    I’m done.
    Judo instructor has friend-ed every woman in class. So, now I don’t’ feel special.
    BOOO for not feeling special.
    Boo I say.
    I have brownie cheesecake.
    Yeah for brownie cheesecake.

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 6:35pm

  2. 2: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg this post is awesome. i learned stuff. thanks Rori.

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:06pm

  3. 3: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Probably my favorite post so far. I love “nuts and bolts” stuff!

    And it reinforces in my mind that CDing is all about ME! It’s not about finding a guy or making a current guy step up to the plate (although those might be nice side effects).

    It feels good to know that I don’t CD to make HIM do anything… but instead because of how it benefits me.

    Yay for Rori!

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:15pm

  4. 4: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    How timely! I am going to practice this tomorrow – they guy I thought was blown off over last Sunday supposed get together and I never returned his phone call, called me to try again. Too funny! Total surprise! And it turns out I blew him off because I have been sick since last weekend – I have lost my voice, swolen throat, cough non-stop, weepy eyes – yech! Anyway I left it with him to organize something. So I am going to seriously practice the baby steps. Oh this will be so much fun. Actually it should be easy since I can’t talk anyway…

    brownie cheesecake?? who makes that? Did you make that??? my god that makes me drool…

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:23pm

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh yeah Jennifer… whatsup with the brownie cheeskake it does sound good…

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:32pm

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    your Mr. Right will show up – and he won’t have any nonsense about him.

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:38pm

  7. 7: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    make a man feel excited and safe – all at the same time

    i can feel that feeling right now… its how i felt with guywhohadababy… excited to be aroud him yet un underlying feeling of safety, that were on the same wavelength, like family… ahhh

    yes i want to be around people like that i want to be ablet to have people around me cuz they feel that way with me, then i woud too, right? i dono i feel excited

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 7:46pm

  8. 8: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Love this post!!!!

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 8:27pm

  9. 9: MacKenzieNo Gravatar says:

    Another I LOVE THIS POST!!! I feel like this is Rori’s best post ever. It’s sooo helpful. And, sooo clear. I’ve struggled to understand the free therapy part. How do I learn from each man? Now, I can see it. For example, now I understand that I can practice saying how I feel when a man is saying things. Yayyyy Rori! Thanks!!

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 8:46pm

  10. 10: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yay! this post is so great!

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 9:42pm

  11. 11: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Brownie cheesecake? Jennifer, is brownie cheesecake better than turtle cheesecake? Turtle cheesecake is my favorite other than the cheesecake my mom used to make me for my birthday that I can’t find the recipe for. Boo!

    Where or where do you get brownie cheesecake? I hope it’s not just in Canada!

    Tuesday, 20 July 2010 @ 10:53pm

  12. 12: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question.

    I’m practising holding my head up and smiling at men but keep getting the urge to say ‘morning’ when they make eye contact.

    Is this classed as ‘leaning forward’ and if so, how do I learn to feel comfortable doing nothing other than smiling?

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:11am

  13. 13: Ema LexNo Gravatar says:

    Superpost!! I love it, extremely insightful

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:44am

  14. 14: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I get brownie cheesecake in my grocery store…it’s by a company called LaRoca…they do ok. But Really, I could do better.
    The crust is a brownie…cheesecake on top and pieces of brownie around the top with a pool of caramel.
    I would have gone with a bit more lemon in the cheesecake to cut the sweetness of the brownies…brownies are good…they are nice and moist.
    Caramel now, that’s a thing. They should have gone with dulce de leche. Better quality of caramel and very buttery.
    OK, cheesecake rant over.
    I was eating cheesecake as emotional eating. Which I should not be doing. But I’m hormonal and weird and a full on stew of emotions and what not.
    Every time I sit down to REALLY visualize a fantastic relationship, I run into a wall of guilt.
    Guilt cause I left B. He says he’s alone on his base and it sucks. I feel sooooo bad. like I f*cked up somewhere and I should go back and make it better. Like I’ve been bad.
    Guilty Guilty Guilty.
    I HATE that. My brain knows I left as purely self defense…and I haven’t closed the door, he could walk back through it anytime he wanted..and I’ve told him that. But he chooses not to step up. So its really not my issue…..but I feel GUILTY!!!!
    He looks like shit. He says he’s not loved there. He’s all alone.
    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    Boo on guilt

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 5:12am

  15. 15: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Dearest Sirens – away I go to a far away land (florida, lol) with LI for 8 days in my grandma’s house. LOL this should be good. holy trigger fest, here we go. i am brave and i am showin up for the trigger fest.

    I will miss you guys all very much. I’ll be sending my love and support telepathically from afar (florida, lol).

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 5:32am

  16. 16: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    So if I’m actually dreading going out with a guy because he’s soooooo boring to talk to on the phone, am I still supposed to go out with him? I imagine us sitting there, with my leaning back, waiting for him to initiate conversation when there’s a lull, and all I can feel at the moment is, “I’m bored”. That doesn’t sound like fun to me…but he doesn’t “frighten” me in anyway…he seems like a genuinely nice guy, just boring as he**.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 6:10am

  17. 17: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    This is one excellent piece of writing! I am so impressed, both with your writing style and with your insightful understanding of relationships and what truly works! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 7:57am

  18. 18: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really warm and loved today after talking with Kenny on the phone a half hour this morning. I overslept for work, so I was laying in bed asleep when he called at 8 am. We talk on the phone almost every day, and after processing so deeply to get Ryan out of my system, I realized more than ever how much I value Kenny and how good he is to me!

    He loved on me a lot, and he said, “I REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLLY LOVE YOU!! I want you to go to work today and ride on the soft, warm cushion of my love!” He really is so sweet in his heart of hearts. I feel more than ever like I really could be happy with him forever after!

    I am not sure yet, and I am going to continue to circular date. But he is most definitely in my rotation. It is such an unusual situation since we have never made love, because of him being in prison.

    We have developed such a deep, caring friendship, and we can freely talk about sex. He told me, “I know what your problem is. You have a bad case of CCD.”

    I said, “What’s that?”

    He said, “Cock Craving Disorder!”

    LOL! He always makes me laugh with his zany sense of humor! I told him he has VCD, and he readily agreed! On my way to work, I passed a Catholic Church with a sign that said, “Sign up for the CCD Program!” I have no idea to what they were referring, but I started laughing all over again! :-)

    He has become more close and understanding of me than ever before as a result of feeling messages and Rori’s other tools! I feel deeply grateful for all this I am able to learn.

    I also appreciate how protective Kenny is of me in regards to Ryan. Last fall, he helped me work thru a lot of the worst of my pain after Ryan broke my heart. Then it got to the point where he was so angry that I stopped talking to him about my Ryan issues. He just talked about wanting to punch him in the face and call him names. But I realize it’s all because he loves me so much. And that feels really, really good!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 8:05am

  19. 19: lmNo Gravatar says:

    good luck, dorothea!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:00am

  20. 20: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I got a kick out of Rori’s use of the word “gruesome”! “…another gruesome date.” LOL! That is totally how I feel for the most part!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:08am

  21. 21: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea,

    You said, “I keep thinking, “Geez. This guy’s gonna get tired of giving to me. Isn’t he? Should I be doing something?””

    That’s awesome! You are really doing well using Rori’s program! It works! It works!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:13am

  22. 22: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG Brenda that’s hilarious about CCD! As you know, I was raised Catholic, and I’ll never ever hear “CCD” the same way again. It stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine and it’s what Catholics call Bible Study. LOL!

    So now I’ll get the inappropriate giggles whenever someone mentions CCD to me ;-)

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:21am

  23. 23: Dan_BrodribbNo Gravatar says:

    Nice article. Made Circular Dating a lot more clear.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:21am

  24. 24: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, how much longer is Kenny in prison?

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:25am

  25. 25: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    That is hilarious! I think Kenny is hilarious! He is always making me laugh. I think that’s pretty amazing coming from a man who’s been locked up for 22 years! He should be free in about 2 years. After knowing him since 2000, 2 years feels like 2 weeks to me. Being separated from him, as my husband, was the most difficult thing I ever did. But I am so used to it now that I could feasibly wait two more years, IF he’s the one.

    We are still working thru issues, but after my last set of feeling messages and using the “walk out” tool, he is finally open to seeing that he may have some shortcomings to work thru. We really do have a healthy relationship now in most respects. If I do seriously consider him for commitment again, I would want to give him some time on the outside to see what he’s like. At best, you don’t fully know someone in the static setting of a prison visiting room. Altho I’ve logged lots and lots of hours with him there! Siena, from what I’ve told you of him, how do you feel about the possibilities with him?

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:40am

  26. 26: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, he sounds like someone who is really into you, which is a very good type of man to have in your CD rotation! But I think you have the right instinct when you say that you will continue to CD.

    For me, I need a man who’s right in front of me so I can smell, taste and see him often… otherwise I get all up in my head and in my fantasy-land of what things are like… and it’s all stuff I’ve made up! (I’m very good at that!)

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:01am

  27. 27: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    I’m very good at that, too. He is more than into me. He has told me many times he would have no reason to live if it weren’t for me. He begs me to take my blood pressure medication. He’s concerned about my health because his father died in his 40s of a stroke after not taking blood pressure medication. He told me when we divorced in 2006 that there is no other woman for him. I distanced myself from him quite a bit off and on since then, even offering to place him a personal ad. He turned me down and never made an effort to find another woman. I think he believes that we will ultimately be together. I am not leading him on. I have not offered anything beyond friendship since our divorce. But it feels good to have him in my corner.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:05am

  28. 28: SaharaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the blog and hope to hear more from you on a weekly basis.

    This could not of come at a better time. As Im recently seeing someone on a NSA basis. Well he turns out to be so nice and I feel a connection going on through his body language, affections and words, that its made me wanna consider more. However the downside is he has just come out of a heavy long-term relationship. He wants to take it easy, he does not rule anything deeper going on between us, so its about time and space for him. Well where does that leave me right???? Ready for a relathionship….circular dating sounds great, because ever since Ive met him Im not feeling other men, but I must get myself out of this state and love me and keep things open, other options, other men, I now know how I deal with this situation. So glad I pressed on that link which opened up a wealth of info for me to know what my next move is and how to deal with the current situation Im in.

    Thx

    xx

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:08am

  29. 29: SaharaNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee, Im dating another guy who I must say is kinda boring, I listen to what he says, and he keeps saying on more than one occation that he is a “laid back” typer guy, but when we go on dates he never considers anything exciting, always talks about doing exciting stuff with his mates, but never with me. I dont really call him to often, so wonder why he bothers to call me regularly since Ive gone past the question of “Is there any sparks for us.” Im not feeling any now and would not be too bothered if we never met up again. But I still keep seeing him and the dates are boring. What do we do in this situation? Are we to continue dating and focusing on ourselves, or know when to call it a day and move on?????

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:21am

  30. 30: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    What I realize about Ryan is he started out the relationship being everything I wanted in a man. He was very respectful, interested in me, attentive, calling me. With all the quotes he read me out of his journal about the value of women, I thot I had finally walked away from abusive men. He was from an upper class family, and I thot in dating Ryan, I was leaving behind my past of abusive men unworthy of me.

    It was only over time, months into the relationship, that all the bad stuff started to happen. So it’s taken a little time to switch gears and realize he isn’t who he represented himself as.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:48am

  31. 31: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel disappointed that Bill hasn’t been here at work since last Thursday. Probably an at home vacation. I don’t know. I have no idea. He just told me day by day the first two days he wouldn’t be here, because of meetings scheduled. Now he’s not emailing me at all. Not sure what he’s up to. I’d like to think he’s taking time off to put up a fence in case my dogs visit and to get his house all neat and decorated for asking me over. But that’s totally in my mind.

    At least I’m thinking positively. I miss him tho. It’s boring at work without him. :-) That’s why I’m on Siren Island!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:50am

  32. 32: Apple JacksNo Gravatar says:

    “It was only over time, months into the relationship, that all the bad stuff started to happen. So it’s taken a little time to switch gears and realize he isn’t who he represented himself as.”

    Brenda that’s brilliant! I wanted to tell you yesterday that there’s a quote by Joseph Campbell. I can’t remember the exact quote but he says something like, the trick is to not confuse the wrappings for the diamond. That reminds me of Ryan. He had all fot he “wrappings.” He spoke gently, he’s so in love with the whole “feminine” ideology and blah blah blah. But in the actual situation he didn’t embody what he kept “talking” about. I may come off as really boy energy and harsh, but I’ve never been big on these talkers. All it is is fools gold. A lot of glitter but no value.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:57am

  33. 33: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Apple Jacks,

    True, you little nymph! :-) Thanks!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:02pm

  34. 34: Apple JacksNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    :) you’re welcome!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:05pm

  35. 35: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Speaking of brownie cheesecake, you know what’s really good?? At Cold Stone Creamery I get cheesecake ice cream, key lime ice cream, and graham cracker crumbs mixed! Gotta Have it!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:13pm

  36. 36: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda:

    I just had a vision of you walking around town, glowing, looking radiant and beautiful and passing by Ryan, his mouth gaping open, and you just pass by with a liitle wave. You show no animosity, you are simply headed somewhere super awesome. I imagine how good it feels to you to see him and stay centered, stay connected to you own goals and truth. Mmmmm, it feels great to envision that.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:22pm

  37. 37: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    Thank you! I really like that! Yes, yes, yes! I will put that vision in my mind! That is the picture of a healthy woman! I want that! Even more than key lime cheesecake ice cream! LOL!

    I feel so tempted to text Ryan, “You had true love, and you threw it away”, like it says in the movie, “Princess Bride”. But I won’t. I will stay focused on Brenda and loving Brenda and let God take care of Ryan and loving Ryan.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:31pm

  38. 38: JessieNo Gravatar says:

    I think that is the problem with long distance relationships, is that you only are able to get a superficial look at them and how they will interact with you in a day to day truly intimate relationship….my husband took about 3 years to show his true colors…once our son was born. Then he became a nutcase, telling me he wanted to be a bachelor, screaming at me around the baby…then an infant, criticizing–telling me to clean his house better, nutcase stuff. I learned from that experience not to date in isolation…check out their friends, their relationship with their mother, face to face is bettter not just from the way that He would represent his family because I found my husband and he had just moved here and he had no friends to tell on him, his mother was in another country so he was able to hide alot of his true self from me, but eventually it all came out.
    I will never date a guy who doesnt have at least 20 other people to vouch for him, to say that he is a good guy and to really tell me what he will be like under pressure….its alot easier to lie to a woman and tell her what she wants to hear if you are a psycho….and abusive men are the masters at that.

    Now, I dont need brownie cheesecake, I have a phd, 2 beautiful kids who love me, and I have a wonderful partner who has never yelled at me to date–after 4 straight years of living together –(we were roommates and so we got to know each other in a wonderful friendship before I ever had to take the plunge and have sex or date! ).

    One more thing, trust your friends advice, if your friends say he walks like a duck, and they say he talks like a duck…he probably is a duck because outsiders dont have the raging hormones to mess up ur abillities to sense things accurately.

    I just finished my phd in psychology on why men abuse women and trust me–i lived it before i ever studied it and it is often very simple and straightforward…..you can hide it from your woman for a long time because of money, sex, and vulnerability….so let others help you out (even your parents, neighbours, workmates, friends, older relatives) to get a good perspective!

    goood luck to you brenda–but make sure that you test him out with other people before you ever trust him completely!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:32pm

  39. 39: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jessie,

    Thank you! You wrote some excellent points! Congratulations on earning your PhD! What an accomplishment!

    Yes, I agree about checking him out with other people. Interestingly enough, his cell mate just wrote me a letter on the sly, to let me know Kenny was really down and out when I was using the “walk out” tool (by not contacting him for a few weeks).

    I was in tears by the end of the cell mate’s letter. He wrote it behind Kenny’s back, because it’s a taboo in there to get the contact information of the loved ones of others in there. He told me how Kenny sits for hours gazing at my photos, and that he is such a wonderful man and like Ghandi in there! He said every day, men line up outside the cell to talk to Kenny like a counselor, and even murderers are gentle and kind around him! He has a lot of respect in there, like everyone’s daddy! I felt a deeper love and appreciation of Kenny than ever, knowing that came without Kenny having any input in that letter! I have also received letters from other friends of Kenny who all speak highly of him. He’s 59, and most men in there are younger. So he’s referred to as “old head” and it’s a title of respect in there.

    He also has a 22 year old son who thinks the world of him. I really feel thankful that I’ve had at least some feedback on him, and it’s mostly been positive. I also see tremendous change in him over the 10 years we’ve known each other. I divorced him because of repeated emotional abuse. But he has come such a long way on that, and he’s really trying.

    I know that I know that I know that he honestly loves me thru and thru.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:44pm

  40. 40: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. I also had the opportunity to speak with his detective, a previous state cop, who knew him before he was ever locked up, and who knew his case inside and out. The detective told me that if Kenny had gotten justice, he would have been released after 2-3 years. That really meant a lot! He doesn’t fit the mold of the typical inmate.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:46pm

  41. 41: Christine TanNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,

    I greatly admire your work and I’ve been reading about Circular dating and how to not be exclusive with a man unless he makes me feel secure and comfortable or is committed to the relationship. I do agree that this is such a radical idea and that it makes sense. However, when I tried this approach with the man I’ve been “re-dating” for the last 3 months, I feel that it’s backfiring on me.

    We dated each other last year. He was pretty consistent, but emotionally closed. I do acknowledge that he didn’t feel safe as I wasn’t expressing a lot of feeling messages. After 3 months, he told me he’s not feeling it. I told him that if he doesn’t see me in his future, we might as well not see each other. There was no conversation until 3 days later when I called him on his birthday. That weekend, he didn’t call and I wanted closure. So I called him and he said that what we have doesn’t have what he’s looking for in a relationship. I said that I wanted to at least understand why so I can move on. Then i stopped all communications.

    Three months after, he emailed me and wanted to get together. I didn’t respond for a month and later told him that I can hang out with him. At that time, I was dating another guy. We hang out casually once every two weeks for a month. He told me he hadn’t been with anyone else (sexually) and that he is not motivated to date. Then it turned out into having him planning our weekends together in advance, meeting his cousins, spending time together. At the same time, he still hadn’t invited me to stay over for the night and that he wants baby steps. I feel that we are transitioning back to getter closer but still felt that it is a little too casual. Then he asked me where I am in this relationship, why I’m not calling him. He also said that he still is not feeling it fully and that he needs to be engaged. I told him that I will call him if I’m secure enough in a relationship and I’m used to guys asking me to be exclusive. I told him that i’m confused about where he is. We went from casual to him questioning my i’m not calling him, to full dating mode and to more more intimate kisses… I had planned to go on a vacation for a week and hesitantly, he said he’ll come with me. He said this is a big step for him. We were going to meet his sister too.

    Last week, after 3 months, he started introducing me as his girlfriend (again) to his friends. I told him that weekend that i dont feel comfortable not staying over (Feeling messages) and he invited me to stay over that night. Later, we went to a party and while he was talking to someone else, I checked an email sent to my match.com account. He saw it and got upset. He neglected me the whole night, then later asked me why I’m with him. That he is not a person who dates other people when he wants to focus on someone. I said, I’m not yet secure in this relationship because he still hesitates to commit and that I want to keep my options open until i’m comfortable and secure. He was angry and said he needs time to think what he wants. Three days later with no phone calls between us, I got this message from him saying that he thought a lot about what happened and that he couldn’t get over what i’m doing. He realized he was a bit slow to commit into our relationship, that’s probably why I was doing what I was doing. He then said in his final statement that I’ve hedged by bets and now I can move on to whoever else I was looking for.

    Did I just lose someone who was trying to work things out, albeit not the type of person who verbalizes things? Someone who wants to take slow steps and I’ve messed it up by not seeing it and was instead keen on keeping my options open so I can have a high degree of difficulty???? Am I missing something here?

    Please advise.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 12:50pm

  42. 42: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    What to do on a boring date…I just saw this in one of Rori’s recent eletters about anger. It was so good, another one of her best articles, that I decided to post it here. I hope no one minds…cuz it’s lengthy…

    Hi, Brenda, if you’re finding yourself
    feeling angry with your man – perhaps he’s
    inconsiderate and you’re so tired of his behavior
    but you don’t know what to do about it anymore – I
    know how you feel.

    It’s like he’s from a different universe – his
    point of view is so far “off the mark” it’s
    frustrating to even TALK about it with him.

    But there are ways to express all that anger – no
    matter how powerful it seems to be – that will get
    past his defensiveness so he can truly “hear” you
    without it all turning into another argument or
    you stuffing it all down and feeling awful.

    If you’d like some help for turning your powerful
    anger into a powerful Tool for CONNECTING with
    your “challenging” man instead of pushing him
    away, try out my new CD program “Reconnect your
    Relationship.”

    You can work with it risk-free for 30 days, so you
    can listen to all of it and work with it and get
    some fast, amazing results before you even have to
    decide to keep it. Try it out here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect

    I know it will help you find your anger and USE it
    to actually DEEPEN your relationship.

    Dear Brenda,

    Have you ever become ANGRY with a man who’s not
    “hearing you?”

    And then, instead of really hearing your anger,
    or what you’re trying to tell him about what made
    you angry in the first place, he PULLS AWAY FROM
    YOU more instead of even listening?

    If so, you’re not alone.

    So many of us women experience this same thing
    with a man, and then we start to believe that we
    can’t ever share our feelings with ANY man or
    express how we feel.

    So we stop opening up.

    And this is only the beginning of more problems
    and less CONNECTION with a man.

    Get ready… because I’m about to show you how
    to avoid this negative pattern in relationships -
    how to share MORE with a man, and have him pull
    away LESS.

    Let’s start with a common situation.

    Let’s say you feel frustrated by something a
    man has done. Or something he’s just not doing.
    And not doing over and over again.

    It could be because he didn’t call when he said
    he would. Or he let a week go by without calling
    at all.

    Or because he isn’t as affectionate and
    attentive as he used to be.

    Does it feel almost as though he just doesn’t
    “get” or appreciate anything you do?

    If that happens in your relationships, as it
    once did in mine, you end up feeling both bad and
    frustrated – maybe even angry.

    And if you try to deal with that by working
    really hard to be “understanding,” and trying to
    “see things from his perspective” – and that makes
    you feel even worse – well, that’s how most of us
    want to deal with men when we’re frustrated and
    angry.

    We don’t want to show how we really feel.

    We want to be cool, happy and positive all the
    time.

    And ignore our anger and frustration.

    Until we can’t ignore it anymore.

    Most of us women are so great at stuffing down
    our anger and pretending it doesn’t exist.

    We try to be “reasonable” and “rational” and
    try to understand the way men think, and we really
    want so much to accept their reasons for behaving
    the way they do.

    But that still doesn’t stop us from feeling
    angry and frustrated.

    Trying to stuff down those powerful feelings is
    like trying to stop our life force!

    It just makes us feel worse.

    And it either makes us sick or tired or
    depressed, or – one day we explode all over him.

    Do you ever feel as though it’s impossible to
    get heard by a man?

    That even if we really tell him what’s wrong,
    he won’t get it?

    That he’ll say something like “get over it,” or
    at least think that?

    And then that makes you feel even more angry
    and frustrated, and then you try to be more
    understanding….?

    Have you ever been in a relationship that goes
    on like that for months, or even years?

    I certainly was. Many times.

    And my marriage was like that for the whole
    first few years.

    I thought that if I got angry, I’d drive him
    away.

    But I was pushing him away anyway.

    He could SENSE my anger, but he was looking at
    the SMILE on my face!

    I wasn’t a good enough actress to hide what was
    going on underneath my smile.

    He could FEEL my anger anyway.

    And all my pretending just made me seem, well,
    untrustworthy. Not authentic. (That’s sort of what
    men mean when they say they don’t understand women
    - it’s as though we say one thing, but they “get,”
    on a deeper level, something else. Something they
    can’t quite understand or put their finger on, but
    it makes them uncomfortable.)

    So, what’s the answer here?

    If pretending we aren’t angry and frustrated
    doesn’t work, and exploding and explaining to them
    and telling them what they’re doing wrong doesn’t
    work, then what do we do with those awful angry
    feelings?

    Working on ourselves to understand what it is
    that makes us angry is a great first step.

    Just even noticing when we’re feeling angry and
    frustrated can help us understand the kinds of
    things that trigger those feelings in us.

    And if we’re always feeling hurt and angry and
    frustrated, if we’re always being triggered in the
    same way, by the same man or the same kinds of
    men, then we can get a really good picture of how
    we can help ourselves.

    Even though we’re all different, we’re also,
    all of us women, so much alike.

    Our bodies, our hearts, yearn to bond with a
    man.

    And we so hate that helpless feeling of
    yearning that often we create just the opposite of
    what we want!

    Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship
    hoping it would work out, or that he’d change?

    Do you wonder why you put up with behavior from
    a man that you just know you shouldn’t accept, but
    still, always seem to find a good reason to accept
    anyway?

    Again, you’re not alone.

    And you can stop that old pattern. It takes
    some new words and a little bit of bravery at
    first. But you can do it. I did, and it made (and
    still makes) a huge difference in my marriage.

    It’s another “Third Way” to be in a
    relationship.

    Instead of pretending to not be angry or upset,
    or trying to talk or reason yourself out of
    feeling that way – basically stuffing it down, and
    instead of telling a man what’s wrong, complaining
    or exploding – you can share exactly how you feel
    in words he can actually hear!

    And most of the time, you can stop the whole
    “hurt to anger to stuffing or exploding” cycle
    before it even starts!

    The first time a man forgets to call when he’s
    said he would, and apologizes, you can say, “Thank
    you for the apology. I was feeling very
    uncomfortable about it.”

    And if he doesn’t apologize, or even mention
    it, you say “I’m feeling awkward bringing this up,
    but I’m feeling really uncomfortable.” He will ask
    what’s up. And then you say “I expected your call,
    and it felt bad when it didn’t happen.” He’ll make
    an excuse, or apologize, and you say, “Thank you.”

    Once you try this, you’ll see how it works.
    You’ll see that it brings men in closer because it
    forces them to look at you differently.

    Instead of seeing you as a woman they can treat
    any way they want to, they’ll see you as a woman
    who treats herself so well that they’d better
    treat you well, too!

    And you’ll be amazed at how less angry you feel
    after you’ve shared your feelings!

    If you have my Reconnect Your Relationship CD
    program, listen again to the part about the Anger
    to Guilt to Depression Cycle, and how you can STOP
    going into depression, and STOP your man from
    drifting away by becoming friends with your Anger.

    Do the “Walk Yourself Through The Tunnel”
    process in “Reconnect” and see how quickly you can
    feel both more in control of yourself and much
    freer with your man.

    The “Cycle” is a powerful way to look at your
    feelings – even the yucky ones, in a completely
    different way. A way that works FOR you and your
    relationship, instead of against you and your
    relationship. If you don’t have it, you’ll want to
    find out more about it, click here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect

    If you can share your feelings, even the
    frustrating ones, right at the beginning of a
    relationship, from the first meeting, you’ll
    attract men who instinctively want to treat you
    well.

    If you do this at any time during a rough and
    painful relationship, you’ll begin to set the
    relationship right.

    Acknowledging, embracing and sharing our angry
    feelings make us feel better about ourselves.

    And amazingly, men pick up on that.

    A man “gets,” right away, when you’re able to
    acknowledge and express your feelings.

    He gets that you won’t tolerate bad behavior -
    and that’s a turn on for a man!

    ***Here’s an email from “Belinda” that we can work
    through in a way that can help ALL of us express
    ourselves in a way that gets us CLOSER to our men:

    “Dear Rori, My anger has always been a problem. I
    feel anger towards men, period. (It seems to also
    be inherited from my mother and grandmother.) I
    don’t want to hate men, but I have this anger. I’m
    afraid I’ll become so angry I’ll scare them away.

    I’m concerned about the silences in phone
    conversations with my boyfriend “Bill.” Last night
    he was uncomfortable on the phone, I got the
    impression he thought something was wrong, and
    then he just got off – like there was nothing more
    to say. There was an uncomfortable pause, and
    then he got off the phone.

    I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. When I
    have something to say, do I just say it? Or just
    not? I can’t say how I feel. Not being able to
    makes me feel so powerless, and yesterday and
    today, I’ve been really depressed. I hope that
    that goes away, because I’m feeling really bad.
    I’m just not feeling a sense of control.

    I wanted to say this morning to him, ‘I’m sad’ -
    but then I just said, ‘I’m not feeling very well,’
    and there was silence, and then he said he was
    having lunch with our mutual friend about business
    - and then he had to get back to work… uggh.
    Telephone conversations are really awkward with
    all the silence… he doesn’t fill them, and gets
    off the phone. I used to fill them – it’s soooo
    uncomfortable for me not to. What else do I do?
    Giggle, smile on the phone – express my feeling
    during the silence? Help, please, Belinda”

    ***The first thing I’d like to do is to reassure
    you and Belinda that no relationship is going to
    bust up over a few bad phone conversations. This
    is stuff we girls make up about men for lots of
    reasons we can talk about in another eletter.
    Right now I want Belinda to feel VERY proud of
    herself!

    She’s beginning to tune in to what’s really
    going on, and instead of doing all the work and
    filling in all the pauses in conversations like
    she used to, she’s just listening, and BEING
    there.

    Not filling in the silences is just a first
    step in the Reconnection Process, and it’s one you
    have to take.

    If you’re experiencing the same challenge as
    Belinda, know that it may seem hard on the phone
    at the beginning, but it’s because you’re just not
    used to it yet – a bit of practice and you’ll find
    it EASY, I promise.

    Your next step is filling in those pauses with
    real and true “Feeling Messages.”

    Try this: “I’m feeling uncomfortable with the
    silence,” or “I’m feeling anxious in all this
    silence.”

    See how that’s talking, not accusing?

    You can smile, have a sense of humor, you can
    even be light about it – but you’re still saying
    the TRUTH!

    You’re uncomfortable, and you’re saying it.

    Trying to fill in the silence is one of the
    things we do that looks to a man like one of the
    WORST things we can do – and that thing is to be
    PHONEY.

    Because chatting on when we truly feel
    uncomfortable comes across to a man as phoney.

    Before we can get chatty and flirty in a
    comfortable way, a way that feels true and real to
    US, we have to breakthrough that moment of
    paralysis when we think something’s wrong, or
    we’re wondering what’s going on with him.

    It’s like those “nervous” laughs.

    Some of us get so good at those things -
    covering up the embarrassing moments with a laugh
    or funny remark – that we think we’re getting away
    with it.

    But actually, we’re creating DISTANCE between
    us and a man by not being AUTHENTIC.

    Men are actually quite sensitive, and they
    notice things.

    He may not be able to put his finger on it, but
    when a man hears a nervous laugh, or conversation
    coming from tension and unease, it feels yucky to
    him.

    It feels like you’re “sucking up” to him.

    I know it’s shocking to put just trying to keep
    a conversation going in the same category as
    “sucking up,” but that’s how it comes across.

    It comes across as low self-esteem.

    And sometimes a man’s uncomfortableness can
    come from his sensing OUR discomfort.

    So, the quickest way to stop putting out
    uncomfortable vibes is to GET comfortable.

    And the quickest way to get comfortable is to
    get in touch with your feelings, whatever they
    are, and express them, using the words you’ve
    learned in these eLetters, eBook and programs.

    There are even wonderful words for Anger.

    Like “I feel angry.” Or, “I feel so mad.”

    We don’t even have to EXPLAIN the “Why” of it
    to him until he asks.

    And if he asks, that’s showing some interest,
    and so even THAT SMALL THING is a great little
    step forward!

    And NO GAMES have been played, no fear of
    saying the TRUTH has taken control of you, and I
    guarantee you’ll feel fabulous after you try this
    out. (Baby steps, now – remember to try this
    talking about the weather and unemotional things,
    first, like “I feel so embarrassed, but I actually
    feel enraged at this rain!”)

    I could do a hundred programs having to do ONLY
    with feelings and how to Find, USE and Express
    them with men. (And I just might!)

    For now, use the Tools you’ve learned so far
    and Find Your feelings, Follow them around your
    body, choose some words to express them, and then
    say what’s true.

    That will help Belinda (and you, too, if you’re
    experiencing this same challenge in your life
    right now) to get past this place of silence and
    discomfort, and move you AND your relationship to
    the next level.

    Belinda has all the hope in the world.

    When we’re closed off in some ways, we attract
    relationships that keep that kind of balance and
    tension – it’s just too scary to get closer.

    But as soon as you practice the Tools with your
    man, all that changes.

    Belinda is feeling her barriers to Love coming
    down, and when you feel that happening, you’ll
    also feel your man come closer to you.

    There are so many barriers we put up without
    even knowing we’re doing it.

    We “chase” a man without knowing that’s what’s
    really happening. We do things like call him
    first, push the conversation, fill in the silent
    gaps with chatter, ask him about his weekend plans
    in hopes that we can see him again soon.

    We try to “seduce” a man with our bodies and
    our minds, hoping he’ll be attracted to us
    physically and then impressed with how witty and
    insightful we are.

    And NONE of those things get inside a man’s
    HEART and make him love us genuinely and
    passionately.

    All those things make him “appreciate” us or
    think we’re cool and “nice.” But in the end, his
    feelings won’t be triggered and he’ll tell us that
    he can’t see being more than just friends with us,
    or he doesn’t have space in his life right now for
    SOMETHING SERIOUS.

    That’s why I created my Modern Siren program.

    I wanted to teach you WHY a man doesn’t
    respond emotionally to all the wrong things, and
    to show you what he DOES respond to.

    Learn what specific things trigger a man’s
    “love” feelings and how you can embody the
    sensuality and allure of a siren by simply being
    your true, feminine self here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/ModernSiren

    It may feel messy and scary and uncomfortable
    at first to learn how to be the irresistible woman
    full of juicy emotions…even anger.

    Consider it a gift, and as a sign that you’re
    on the right track. You’ll get the hang of this
    very quickly.

    ***Here’s a fast Tool: TRUTH SPEAK

    When you feel something, and you locate the
    feeling and put it into words in your head, but
    then find yourself saying something ELSE to your
    man, catch yourself.

    That’s the way we play games and walk on
    eggshells and monitor ourselves – and that causes
    our men to PULL AWAY.

    I know it seems like a subtle difference, but
    look at it this way: If you find a feeling and can
    say it to yourself in words, then use the “Feeling
    Message” format to say exactly what you said to
    yourself.

    That makes you AUTHENTIC, and it will draw him
    close.

    If you find a feeling and can say it to
    yourself in words, and then tell him what you
    THINK, or say, for instance – “I’m not feeling
    well,” when what you really feel is “I’m feeling
    uncomfortable,” then you know that you’re ALSO
    feeling AFRAID to express to him what you REALLY
    feel.

    And THAT’S the deep place we have to get to -
    to be UNAFRAID of how telling the TRUTH will
    affect him and your relationship.

    Telling the TRUTH is just not something ANY of
    us were raised to do, and what we have to be about
    now, for the sake of ourselves and our love lives,
    is to be able to tell the truth about ourselves
    MORE OFTEN.

    ***To help with this, here’s ANOTHER Tool: LET HIM
    CLOSE:

    Start by visualizing your man coming closer to
    you while your defenses are DOWN.

    Do this on your bed, or sitting in a chair, or
    anywhere, even in public if you find yourself
    getting tense and closing down.

    Imagine your man coming close.

    Let him come closer and closer, as you talk to
    your body (try the Body Dialogues in the Toolkit),
    do the Sensual Meditation from the eBook, and
    MELT, all at the same time.

    Catch yourself if you’re THINKING instead of
    just melting into the bed or the floor or the
    chair – melting into YOURSELF – and get back to
    following your sensations around your body.

    And do it all while you’re imagining him close.

    Remember – YOU’RE in CONTROL of YOU, so if you
    feel frightened, you get to stop for a moment.

    You can STAY open, stay relaxed and connected
    to your body, and stop HIM from coming any closer.

    If you’re feeling frightened by imagining him
    coming close when you’re relaxed and vulnerable
    and open – then simply don’t let him come any
    closer, even in your imagination, than you’re
    comfortable while you’re open like this.

    Take it slow, until you can allow him really
    close while you’re relaxed and undefended.

    Now take that feeling out into the world and
    with your man.

    A great way to help yourself start DOING less,
    filling in the silences less, working in and for
    the relationship less, is to practice SPEAKING
    less, too.

    This means short and sweet feeling messages,
    simple Thank You’s without explanation, and
    Silence. Learn to get comfortable with Silence,
    and you’re half-way there!

    Here’s a short note from “Bella,” who wrote me
    a few months ago nearly desperate about her
    boyfriend of 2 years. She was so frustrated at his
    inability to commit to her, and was either always
    stuffing down her anger or exploding at him all
    the time. She didn’t know whether to leave or stay
    and tough it out, and then she discovered the Rori
    Raye Third Way.

    She used the Tools from “Reconnect Your
    Relationship” and this is what she says now:

    “Dear Rori, I just now got a phone call from him,
    that he wants to work on things! – that he wants
    to commit to working on this relationship, and see
    what happens! – He doesn’t want to end it – he
    wants to continue it – It was great! He has
    committed to work on committing! Thank you, Bella”

    ***If Bella can see a huge change in her man’s
    desire to commit to her – so can you!

    Once Bella saw that underneath all the
    “giving” and “understanding” and filling in the
    “silences” she was doing – what was really inside
    her was anger and sadness. She told me that the
    biggest work for her, and the biggest Tools that
    helped her were about standing behind her
    Boundaries while staying open and warm to her man
    at the same time. When she started practicing
    that, things started to move forward for her.

    You can do it too. You can draw a man in
    closer to you by learning to acknowledge, embrace
    and share all your feelings.

    And as you practice this, in baby steps, you’ll
    automatically start to feel better about yourself.
    Your self-esteem will begin to climb, and pretty
    soon you’ll wonder where all the self-doubt went.

    If you’d like an extra boost for your self-
    esteem, and Tools you won’t find anywhere else -
    like the Body Dialogues and unique Rori Raye
    Processes that will make you feel instantly
    hopeful and powerful (great to listen to before a
    date), try out my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set.
    It’s 2 CD’s that will lift your spirits and keep
    them high, and it comes with a little book for
    reference that you can keep in your purse when you
    need help with how to choose your words, or
    support for being vulnerable.

    Try it out here (you can listen to some of it
    here, too):

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Toolkit

    I so look forward to hearing how this letter is
    helping you find your anger and use it to bring
    you and the man you want closer together.

    Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 1:02pm

  43. 43: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I found out Bill at work is sick this week. His parents are down from NY to nurse maid him! Awww! That’s sweet.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 1:52pm

  44. 44: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Where is everyone? I feel uncomfortable with the silence! LOL!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 1:53pm

  45. 45: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    This is at a Navy basketball half-time show. This is amazing! Now I know how to burn 3000 calories in 6 minutes! ….

    http://blip.TV/play/Ae+9MJOSSA

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 2:12pm

  46. 46: sapphire-n-jewelsNo Gravatar says:

    Hello All
    I am really struggling with the CD thing
    Estranged fiance is away enjoying his holiday in Egypt. Not really had any contact from him since he went last Sunday ????? cant understand that as he was talking about moving back home last Friday.
    I am dating another guy had two dates so far, apparently he was checking out my profile earlier and when I asked him why, he said to see if I am still on there and looking. Meeting another guy on Saturday for lunch.
    I was talking to one of my friends about CD and she said the in the UK dating is not the same as in US is this true.
    I feel really guilty and not sure what I am going to say if they ask about whether I am dating others. I know Rori has scripted this but I know when it comes to it I am going to struggle. To bloody honest is my trouble.
    Problem is every guy i have gone out with recently and in the past (before I met my fiance) has wanted more than one date.

    Oh did have a date the other week with this guy that meet online. He seemed really chatty on the IM but when we meet he had nothing to say for himself and I would love to have said in a feeling message, but me being me lent forward and tried to keep the conversation going, god it was hard. I wish I had walked out but did not.
    I am also finding the feeling messages hard as it does not feel natural to me. I understand that this is the whole point of doing CD as it gives us the chance to practice on them. It feels so unathentic coming from me. I wish I had been able to do this with my fiance. I can where I have gone wrong with all the four rules.
    Any feedback on the CD thing would be helpful girls.
    Lots of love ladies xxx

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:08pm

  47. 47: sapphire-n-jewelsNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda
    Loved the clip. I think I would be out of puff after five skips let alone what they were doing lol
    x

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:23pm

  48. 48: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It feels great when men call me “Smiles”!

    Too bad the ones who call me that are always ones I am not interested in. :(

    Maybe I should change that limiting belief!

    Up until NOW, I haven’t felt interested in the guys who call me Smiles.

    I could feel interested in a man who calls me Smiles.

    :)

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:39pm

  49. 49: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am about to send a follow-up email to four hour man. I have no idea what I will say. If anyone reading this has any ideas in the next few minutes, please feel free to share!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:41pm

  50. 50: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Smiles!

    You’re a sweetie!

    Love,
    Brenda

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:43pm

  51. 51: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I’m feeling awkward bringing this up, but I’m feeling really uncomfortable. What I really meant to say is I really enjoy our long distance friendship. And, it would feel so good to meet you in person. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:45pm

  52. 52: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    But Brenda, I already met you in person, remember?

    Hehe, just kidding!!

    Well, it’s not actually TRUE that “I really enjoy our long distance friendship.” So I can’t tell him that…..

    Thanks anyway Bren!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 3:51pm

  53. 53: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s what I have so far:

    Hi T. I feel kinda disappointed and a little frustrated that my words didn’t come across the way I meant them to. I was feeling unsure and confused because I couldn’t tell if YOU were thinking we would definitely never meet, or if there was some possibility that we might. It would feel fun and exciting to meet you!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:00pm

  54. 54: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if I should say anything about continuing the email “friendship” if we don’t meet…..

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:03pm

  55. 55: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    How about….

    “My goal is to spend less time at the computer and more time having fun, real-life adventures.”

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:06pm

  56. 56: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Goal” sounds too masculine….

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:07pm

  57. 57: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “My intent is to spend less time at the computer and more time having fun, real-life adventures.”

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:08pm

  58. 58: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “My DESIRE is to spend less time at the computer and more time having fun, real-life adventures.”

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:08pm

  59. 59: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “My desire is to spend less time at the computer and more time having fun, real-life, HANDS-ON adventures.”

    Hehehe.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:11pm

  60. 60: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Is “hands-on” too much?? :D

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:15pm

  61. 61: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hey fabulous sirens – I had a terrific CD! If all could go wrong it did but I just kept focus on free therapy and practice and I am really proud of myself. So I am going to have a raspberry popsicle and then tell you all about it and how I dealt with my gay exhusband in feeling words.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:23pm

  62. 62: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, here’s the whole thing. Let the chips fall where they may. Feedback welcome for “next time.” :)

    Hi T. I feel kinda disappointed and a little frustrated that my words didn’t come across the way I meant them to. I was feeling unsure and confused because I couldn’t tell if YOU were thinking we would definitely never meet, or if there was some possibility that we might. It would feel fun and exciting to meet you! My desire is to spend less time at the computer and more time having fun, real-life, hands-on adventures.

    The movie (Inception) was very strange, but amazing and interesting. Thanks for asking. :)

    Tomorrow my kids and I are going to [amusement park]. Hopefully the weather will be bearable and no thunderstorms!!!

    Lucy

    p.s. I thought it was only 4 hours by car (5 by train)….

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:26pm

  63. 63: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lizzie! Woohoo!!!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:26pm

  64. 64: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    OK in the THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW category – it is not a good idea to eat a raspberry popsicle while wearing white shorts…Oxy here we come…

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:37pm

  65. 65: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very proud of myself for practicing INTIMACY with four hour man and not running away from my bad feelings! I practiced telling my genuine truth and I practiced expressing my honest feelings without blaming him or making him wrong.

    Yay me!!!!

    I feel like I’ve made another breakthrough.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:37pm

  66. 66: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I recently have decided to employ this way of doing/being, and now I have too many dates! It’s weird, how does one manage? Not that I’m complaining but… circular dating is definitely a different way of doing things. I feel kind of guilty!
    I also live in a country where this type of dating isn’t really acceptable – it’s just something you don’t do. I think the secret in my case is to be discreet… That said, I do feel more desirable than ever. Oh it’s a catch 22.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 4:43pm

  67. 67: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – yay you!!!

    I am sitting here trying to come up with the words to do the exact same thing you just did! Trying to not run away from my bad feelings and express them in the Siren way! Normally, at a time like this, I would shut down and run away. I’m trying not to do that this time. Its just been so long since I dated and even longer since I cared, that I’m not sure what I feel or want to say! So, I shall sit here and contemplate…

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 5:13pm

  68. 68: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    To begin – the new man – Music Man was my last approach before signing off POF. He phoned me and we had agreed to get together a week Sunday -in the evening or Monday evening. But I never heard back from him until 6PM on the Sunday so I didn’t call him back and then did call him on Monday saying that I was busy – it seemed to me that we blew each other off. I didn’t realize at the time that I was actually sick – and have been now for 12 days.

    Low and behold, he called me on Monday morning suggesting we meet today. Only because I am CD-ing, did I agree because I felt he wasn’t really stepping up man-wize. Then this post came up and I decided I would go and practice as much as I could.

    So we agreed to meet at the beach at the east end of the city, after I dropped my daughter at the airport for her pick-up to summer camp, which is at the west end of the city. I was supposed to call him when I was half way to the beach but when I got off the hwy, I hit every green light for miles! So only called him when I got there. But I have never been to this part of the city before so was in the wrong place, wrong parking lot, was hungry etc etc. Finally I said to him on the phone “I am feeling at loss here and need clearer direction” and he immediately responded: Oh OK, do this and this etc. I was actually at my end of frustration and as soon as I said I was feeling at a loss and he responded, all the frustration went poof! and I felt happy! This is so amazing!! And we had to go through it again as we wondered around trying to find each other – I think if I hadn’t had feeling messages and practice in my head, I would have wanted to shake him and I would most likely have brooded or quit and gone home.

    We went over to the bay-side pub and sat outside while I ordered some lunch for myself. And then the stories began to unfold. He was married 18 years and me 17 years. When I asked what the story was, he said well you know the usual and I responded that I didn’t know what the usual is, and that mine wasn’t the usual. Naturally he asked. And I really wanted to approach it in a feeling way so this is what I said:

    I figured out he was gay fairly early in the relationship but wasn’t completely sure. For many years we had a really lovely relationship – we built a business together, we got along really well, we adopted two kids – but I was living in my head. I felt a complete lack of passion and this created a very real emptiness in me that became filled with sadness. Interestingly because of the issues with my kids, I realized the incredible importance of having a more integrated life – (Music man was absolutely facinated by this – took off his sunglasses and turned his chair to look directly at me, leaned right into me to listen more) – at the time I recognized the head and heart balance is important and now I know it is all 4 parts that need to be in harmony: head, heart, spirit, physical. And that it was in working with my kids to help them feel the world that I began this journey for me to really feel with all the passion I have.
    (He was really interested to know what I did with my kids)
    I said that I wanted them to feel goodness – so I started simply with things like – taking them outside to feel the air after a spring rain – I would stand them in the damp grass and say: feel the cool damp grass under your feet – it feels alive, tickling you because it wants to grow; feel the fresh spring air through your nose, down your throat, you can probably taste the sweetness in the back of your tongue, feel the air all the way down your chest into your belly, feel it tickle your belly button from the inside, feel it give your life as it tingles all down your arms…..that feels wonderful! that is mother earth saying I love you! And when I hug you, that feels I love you!

    So I said, that is what I did with my kids to help them with their trauma – and then I realized that is what I need for me and that is why I feel wonderful today.

    how about that!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 5:15pm

  69. 69: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I did a wonderful feeling message with my daughter on the way to droping her off today – I feel really wonderful to have had you all to myself the past few days – I am going to miss you.

    She smiled all the way to the drop off. And she gave me the most wonderful hug good bye. I didn’t go to her – she came to me to give me a loving hug. This is so unbelievable rare for a RAD-kid! OMG! I am beaming!!!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 5:26pm

  70. 70: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie,

    Thank you for sharing! That’s beautiful how you turned your disaster around in the date with feeling messages! I really like what you said about teaching your kids to feel the earth, air, etc. I bet it was a real point of connecting emotionally with your date! You did a beautiful job!

    Did you tell him anything about Mt. Kilamanjaro? :-)

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 8:45pm

  71. 71: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Brenda. Mt. Kilamanjaro is special for you – did you ever use it? or are you saving it for a special person?

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 8:55pm

  72. 72: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I used it on the unworthy cop. He still didn’t get it. Just wanted booty call. He didn’t get that either! LOL!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:03pm

  73. 73: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry because Straight Talk just changed my number for the 3rd time in 3 months! They are the worst company in the world!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:04pm

  74. 74: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    An old geezer, 62 years old, emailed me on match. I just can’t bring myself to date him, sorry. He’s 16 yrs older than me. He isn’t smiling in any of his pictures. I just want to gag. Sorry. No CD practice this time around.

    Ryan turned me into a cougar and I’m open to dating older men, but not 16 yrs older. Now Ryan doesn’t have my new number. And I’m going to let him hunt me down if he wants to contact me, even tho I’m still struggling to not contact him.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:01pm

  75. 75: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Am I mean to call him an old geezer? Old geezer!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 10:02pm

  76. 76: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i recently was contacted by a 62 y o as well and decided he was too old for me – 14 years older – and then it hit me – that’s the exact age diff btwn tn and interloper! so, when she is my age, tn man will be 62! i think someone should warn her. hehehe!

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:06pm

  77. 77: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I went on a few dates with a man that age…it was quite the experience :)

    He was handsome and fiesty.

    I felt very sultry when I was with him. I did not choose him for relationship but I feel happy about how he pursued me. It was refreshing to a degree.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:28pm

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I too am trying to express my intense feelings and not shut down and run away.

    today with Getright man he decided to come where I was, we went to talk, he mostly talked tho, i was the one who had said i feel upset. i did say… ohh when i feel upset i get quiet and tongue tied, i have a hard time speaking

    i said im feeling bad around him, sad, i feel ignored, he kept trying to talk about me wanting to date his friend, i did but this is all from before that.

    i left! i felt bad around him! i don’t want to tolerate feeling like that, feeling disappointed sad heart, and feeling alone and not really paid attention to…

    reminds me of feleing like that around guywhohadababy

    i dont know how to have a heart to heart with getright man, that i need things to change seemingly drastically to feel happy, i dont feel good around him anymore

    he barely says hi, after awhile, he seems chill and relaxed, but i dont feel good unless im the center of a man’s attention, i dont want to feel pining while he’s around me, ouch

    i LEFT!!

    i feel guilty and sad, am i being “drama” by interrupiting the group (we were a group) chillin that i feel bad – and LEAVE? am i being dramatic

    i dont want to be dramatic, i don’t want to feel bad, and the short discussion i had with him i didn’t feel better

    i tried to let him talk to me twice, i felt bad, he talked about his concerns, about me dating his friend, and thats why he doesnt want to be with me, then – That doesnt feel good to me, i dont want to be feeling unhappy around you, im leaving

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:42am

  79. 79: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    I see sapphire n jewel’s point about circular dating outside the USA… It seems quite impossible to do! I live in an Eastern European country. If you have a boyfriend, you are exclusive with him- automatically. Men expect you to invite them over to your place, that you cook for them and sleep with them. Yes, exactly, the girlfriend trap. If you date more guys, and it turns out, you are considered to be a liar prostitute and mocked by him.

    In the meanwhile, these guys are just looking for a free servant a free prostitute. If they have it, they dump you or cheat on you behind your back. It’s really far from fairness…

    My toxic NPD man was American, though and he did the same pattern, even more intensely. He expected total exclusivity from me, was hurt when I didn’t do the washing up. Dumped me a hundred times, lied, humiliated. When I raised my voice that I’m not an empty vessel where he can emptyhis bodily fluids, I was beaten down and he threw me out ofhis place. When I showed it with actions, he completely ignored me.

    It’s hard to get out from such an oppressed place. But I can’t generalize how men react to CD-ing. That’s how things are here. I hope you will share more insights about CD in practice. I’d really like to do CD but I’m such a coward. I over-worry and feel unattractive. I feel to much influenced by the horrible things this narcissist man has done with me. I still suffer from PTSD syndroms.

    Siena, thanks for your comment in the other post, it was helpful! Btw, I always love your comments, you are great and thoughtful!!!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 1:19am

  80. 80: JenaveeveNo Gravatar says:

    I finally learned! how to Circular Date!! Ive always been the type of woman who was very loyal and would commit to a man I liked right away. And every time I put all my eggs in one basket, I wound up feeling very disappointed. So disappointed it devastated me.

    The concept of dating more than one man at the same time felt impossible to me because I felt guilt. Guilty because I was not being loyal to the ONE man I liked…..

    Fast forward to today, Ive learned with Rori’s tools to stop creating imaginative relationships and stop committing to any ONE man I was interested in right away. Now I date many men (I dont share that with them of course) and I feel very happy. And when I feel like I am starting to lean forward and do all the work: suggesting, making all the plans, including him in everything I do, I take a time out. I get back to me and fill up my life doing the thing that make ME FEEL HAPPY.

    You get what you want but that’s not what you’re going for? Yep.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 5:29am

  81. 81: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie,

    I feel sad to hear how men routinely treat women there. What Rori sets out to help us do is to NOT ALLOW unkind, unloving men into our lives! It may be more difficult, but I see no reason whatsoever to deviate from Rori’s program.

    It requires a firmer laying down of boundaries, by means of Feeling Messages and Want and Need Statements. Bottom line? You are communicating politely that you are not willing to be USED as a servant and a whore.

    Things are for USING.
    People are for LOVING.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 8:01am

  82. 82: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Daria)))

    I admire your bravery to walk away. I tend to stay and try to explain what is wrong. But he was not treating you like a diva, so you didn’t stick around to tolerate less-than-goddessy treatment. No, that wasn’t too much drama. That was taking care of yourself.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 8:03am

  83. 83: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    LOL! He’s probably going to get a rude awakening one of these days where she finds a younger model, like trading in a used car for a new one. That wasn’t nice. I just feel bad with you that he didn’t even give you a chance by meeting you after all you had developed long distance. I guess that’s why Rori says meet them ASAP.

    Have you heard back from 4 hour man yet?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 8:06am

  84. 84: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I think if old geezer had been smiling in just one picture, I might have gone out with him. But he’s probably sad and lonely. The pictures made him look mean. And all that brings to mind bad memories of old geezers who weren’t nice to me.

    Kenny is 59, and that is my absolute upper limit. The difference is, I’ve known him for 10 years. So I don’t really see his age. I trust him through and through, and I know, love, and like him. I miss him, too.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 8:08am

  85. 85: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @ Renee: So if I’m actually dreading going out with a guy because he’s soooooo boring to talk to on the phone, am I still supposed to go out with him? I imagine us sitting there, with my leaning back, waiting for him to initiate conversation when there’s a lull, and all I can feel at the moment is, “I’m bored”. That doesn’t sound like fun to me…but he doesn’t “frighten” me in anyway…he seems like a genuinely nice guy, just boring as he**.

    NOOOO, you are not supposed to go out with him. You’re expending your limited time, effort and energy on someone you know is not Mr. Right. You can kindly say, “I’ve been thinking, you seem like a nice person, but I’m just not feeling a romantic connection.” He may try to CONVINCE you that you feel otherwise, and then you can feel how it is for man when a woman tries to convince him that she’s perfect for him–very instructive for a woman to be in that position.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:02am

  86. 86: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE this post. After working on my self and an open commitment to learning and applying, I have a rich, fun dating life. All of these are right on. These are the two that really stand out to me:

    1. Get curious – about the world and everyone in it and everyone you see and talk to

    And I would say not to necessarily talk to a man who talks to you FIRST, but to talk to everyone FIRST (don’t wait for people to talk to you, for men and women). Get the courage to do that, you’ll be surprised (the second below). Forcing yourself to smile at everyone is great too…it’s awkward at first, but you’ll be SURPRISED at the results.

    When you get this curious attitude, then your interactions are about your genunine interest in another human being, male or female. It’s to learn about their thoughts and unique experiences–everyone has something to offer. It takes the pressure off it being a romantic connection…if it’s meant to be a romantic connection, that will naturally happen.

    2. Be Surprised

    I really love this one too…it’s the exact opposite of having to control situations/people to make things happen. Being surprised uses Rori’s LEANING BACK strategy so there’s room to be surprised.

    I just had someone come back into my life after 20 years, talk about a surprise!

    I’m starting to date a man I met briefly last fall. Surprisingly, he came back into my life again last month–perhaps he made that reconnection happen, not sure. Maybe last fall wasn’t our ‘time’, but I’m enjoying our very early connection now and look forward to getting to know him better.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:11am

  87. 87: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    (((Daria)))

    I admire your bravery to walk away. I tend to stay and try to explain what is wrong. But he was not treating you like a diva, so you didn’t stick around to tolerate less-than-goddessy treatment. No, that wasn’t too much drama. That was taking care of yourself.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Sorry, I didn’t read all these posts…but what stood out for me is: I tend to stay and try to explain what is wrong. I have learned that LESS words with men is better. I think they get lost in all our words. Less words and DIRECT (that’s counterintuitive ’cause it can kindof be ‘mean’, but it is really effective). That’s how Rori structures her feeling messages as well.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:13am

  88. 88: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie,

    I feel sad to hear how men routinely treat women there. What Rori sets out to help us do is to NOT ALLOW unkind, unloving men into our lives! It may be more difficult, but I see no reason whatsoever to deviate from Rori’s program.

    It requires a firmer laying down of boundaries, by means of Feeling Messages and Want and Need Statements. Bottom line? You are communicating politely that you are not willing to be USED as a servant and a whore.

    Things are for USING.
    People are for LOVING.

    This is an AWESOME post Brenda!

    Learning about Boundaries is crucial. Not only our boundaries, but also about NOT invading other’s boundaries.

    I was talking to a man on a date and he was saying he didn’t need a mother. He gave me an example where he was on a date with a woman who spent the night. The next morning, when he came out of the shower, she had laid out his clothes on the bed for me. Right at that moment, he knew he was not going to continue with her. That was a total invasion of his boundary as well.

    Women can say that’s being ‘nice’ and ‘helpful’, but it’s actually disrepsecting another person’s boundaries–a huge turnoff.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:23am

  89. 89: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    @Denise, #77. I feel weird disagreeing with you on this, but I do disagree.

    #5 in Rori’s post is “Go out with every man who asks you unless he frightens you.” That means Renee’s guy, unless she’s frightened by you.

    (Yes Brenda, even the old guy.)

    As Lucy knows (hehe not picking on you Siren), the same guy in a different body (a-hem, 25 year old) will keep showing up until you hear the message or see the mirror. So I say, go out with him, get his message, and be done with it!

    Also, I saw the word, “thinking” and it jumped out at me! I hear Rori’s voice in my head, from the commitment blueprint program saying, “NEVER say the word thinking when you’re talking to a man”.

    I don’t feel good making anyone wrong on this site, that’s not my intention. But it’s an important part of feeling messages to stay away from the word “think” and all its derivatives.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:28am

  90. 90: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and I feel yucky calling Brenda’s guy the old guy. Age is relative, so I’ll rewrite that to say, “The older (than Brenda) guy”

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:29am

  91. 91: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …so I realized yesterday that (unfortunately), I’m still living in an old pattern that I am determined to break.

    I broke the first part of the pattern when I didn’t chase The Man all those months ago, and started Rori’s program. Things have felt wonderful (mostly) up to this point.

    Now I’m re-living my 3-month breakup pattern, and I’m DETERMINED to beat it!

    #1CD is distant after dating 3 months. All of a sudden, he hasn’t called for a week.

    I am pretty clear that it is MY stuff that brings this into my life time and time again, so I am determined to break the pattern.

    I’ve gone through all the emotions of feeling angry, frustrated, sad, concerned, fixated…

    …and then I realized, “hey, I’m still CDing. This is not supposed to be a blip on my radar. But since it is, I’m going to wrangle my emotions back to a good place. I have control over my emotions, they don’t control me.”

    So, now I’m in an open, inviting space. And it feels good, calm, restful, deep sigh.

    Who knows when/if he’ll call me again, but this 3-month breakup thing will NEVER throw me again.

    And I’ve given up trying to control him/it/us. It’s so subtle, from the outside no one would suspect I’m trying to control it.

    But I surrender it all. I am on my path to Happily Ever After. If he joins me, that’s wonderful! If not, well okay. Can’t wait to see who does!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:41am

  92. 92: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @sienna #81:

    -point taken on ‘thinking’…I think in this scenario, a feeling message isn’t really needed; a lot of words and reasons aren’t needed either. HOWEVER, practice is always a good thing!

    -thanks for pointing out #5 above. I guess one could adopt that if it’s a ONE date rule–I look at that as torture when I already know the guy is not for me for whatever reason. I have learned to trust my instincts. I have had so many dates and second dates where I KNEW the man was not for me…it’s a waste of my limited time and energy, keeps me from Mr. Right and makes me WEARY of dating.

    I in NO way want to contradict Rori’s stuff..she’s awesome and so right on! Maybe it’s a matter of where one might be in the learning cycle of dating?

    So, when in doubt, follow Rori’s advice :)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:47am

  93. 93: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Thanks for the loving slap! LOL! I like calling the old guy an old geezer! LOL! Mean Bren!

    He’s old enuff to be my father!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:50am

  94. 94: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Sienna #83

    WOW, that is an incredible post! So full of observing ego-the ability to coach ourselves real time…to talk to ourselves in a way that points to the evidence or changes our thought patterns. Rori provides so many tactics for us to do that…you’ve obviously have successfully applied her materials to your life.

    I promise you the less you can have that ‘control’ over others, the happier you will be. Take it from a woman that felt she had to control everything–including getting married. I am now divorced after 15 years of marriage. I regret nothing, but I can clearly see what a control freak I was, even when it wasn’t to my benefit to marry a man who was not the right man for me.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:51am

  95. 95: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    Thanks for the kudos!

    I wonder if the woman who laid out the clothes was previously married? Sounds like she was operating out of habit, and it sounds like she was in the habit of acting as a servant! If I were the man, I wouldn’t have ended it on that basis. I would have just said, “I feel uncomfortable with that, etc.”

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:56am

  96. 96: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda #87

    Hey Brenda, I didn’t ask a lot of questions as the conversation was about women acting as mothers.

    If she was acting as a ‘servant’, that was her choice. I bet that wasn’t the situation though–I bet it was a woman who was just trying to be ‘helpful’ and to show him how important she could be in his life, trying to convince him how great she is by the things she DOES (sound familiar? Rori talks about overfunctioning all the time and why we do it:). I wanted to convey how men (he’s 44 and been married before) look at women who do this kindof stuff a few dates in. I also think that an ‘older’ man (yikes, hope he doesn’t read that! haha) has been through enough women to know that if they are doing that on the first few dates, it’s not going to be a good scene. And how much time and energy does he want to spend on ‘educating’ and changing her (control)–invading her boundaries along the way? Men don’t think the way we do, haha, ‘we’ll get them and then change them’.

    Personally, I think this is a good sign of his maturity. He recognized the big issue and what was going on and knew he didn’t want that in his life. Choose wisely.

    Keep in mind it’s not the action itself that was at issue. He said she did a good job in picking out the clothes. It was the message it sent to him as a man.

    I know of a 47 year old WOMAN, who, after meeting someone through on line dating, spent 24/7 with him (he allowed it, so that’s his issue too). Two weeks in, he left the house for breakfast with his daughter, came home, and she did all his outside planters on his house. Three weeks in, when he was at work, she took HIS dog to the vet. These are, of course, only a couple of examples, I bet there are more invasions of his boundaries. After 5 weeks, he started putting distance between them and after 6 weeks, they were done, his choice.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 10:22am

  97. 97: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    Wow, good point! It is an area I am really working on. I feel weird receiving. And I intend to get to the point where I feel comfortable receiving.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 10:43am

  98. 98: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, Siena, I’m sorry about my comments about the man who is older than me. I have issues with older men…I have been sexually abused by them more than once.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 10:44am

  99. 99: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda #89

    LOVE the word INTEND!

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling weird receiving. Once you can do it though and get into that state of mind–being a DIVA, it’s much easier.

    This is something I still struggle with. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I’m interested in, it’s our second date. He asked if I wanted to have him pick me up or to meet him, whatever I felt more comfortable with. I PREFER to have him pick me up because I like when a man does that, but that’s about an extra hour of driving for him for the evening. I STILL hesitated and mentioned that it might be easier for him to meet me there, but he said no, he would come pick me up, he didn’t mind the extra driving. THAT’S the kind of man I like :)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 10:47am

  100. 100: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Denise,

    That’s great! I have been thinking about that lately, the driving part, because IF Bill ever gets around to stepping up and asking me for a real date outside of work, I am trying to rehearse what to say and do, because we live an hour from each other (I have a one hour commute to work every day). I really struggle with that sort of thing.

    Even on this site, sometimes I feel so lavished with love and support, it feels weird! I really appreciate it! It feels good! I’m just not used to it from many other people. You ladies are just terrific, and I so enjoy “talking” with you all!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:07am

  101. 101: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting conversation about blind spots (with the women who overfunction in Denise’s example).

    I wonder what blind spots I have?

    I know one that I caught earlier this week… a friend of mine called another friend out on FB. It seems that friendA told friendB that she couldn’t hang out because she was studying.

    FriendA later posted about the great dinner that she had that night with friends.

    FriendB commented, “I thought you were studying”.

    I was remarkably triggered by that comment. So much so that it stuck in my brain for several days after.

    Then I realized… I do the same thing with men sometimes. I expect them to drop everything to be with me, and when they aren’t I respond like a wounded puppy sometimes.

    No more! That ends now!

    How much more attractive is it to be strong and flexible!?

    hmmm… I wonder what other blindspots I have. Is there something I’m doing to attract this 3-month situation again and again? I’d like that healed.

    PS – Brenda – nothing to apologize for… you didn’t offend me in the least with your comment.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:26am

  102. 102: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    Thanks! Once I read, “Ordering Your Private World”. One of the principles was to take control of your schedule, and not let other people rule with their urgent needs.

    The author gave an example of a friend who suggested they go for coffee at 5 am. He said, “No, I’m sorry, I have plans.”

    The friend said, “You have plans at 5 am??”

    He said, “Yes, that’s my devotions time, sorry.”

    I am trying to get more structure in my life, so I am more in control of my time. Right now, tho, a big part of what I’m doing to love myself is to make lots of time for friends. I need friends and they need me!

    My main issue with the example you gave is that the girl wasn’t honest. When I have plans, I have decided I don’t need to tell anyone why I can’t join them. I simply say, “I’m sorry, I have plans.” And then I try to set up some other time. And that way I’m telling the truth.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:36am

  103. 103: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – Rori says that at the 3 month mark men start considering forever … and while they do that they may get kinda distant and withdraw… it was in one of the recent e-letters

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:39am

  104. 104: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, Bren, I didn’t tell the whole story.

    FriendA’s reply was, “I did study from 5-7:30, and my friends showed up for dinner unexpectantly.”

    So she wasn’t dishonest. But the other friend really had no right to call her out on why she wasn’t available.

    BTW, FriendB is very aggressive about people not standing her up or saying no to her, so there’s a little more backstory there. She will often post things on friend’s walls, calling them out… like, “btw, you would be pissed too if you didn’t get a call back from me.”

    Cringe… I sometimes do the same thing. But I use feeling messages now.

    I wonder, how much honesty is good?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:41am

  105. 105: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria, it feels comforting to be told that…

    It would feel good to be considered for “forever” and come out the winner… :-)

    (Or winner is the wrong word, but you know what I mean)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:44am

  106. 106: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda and Sienna 93, 94, 96

    There’s a maturity/boundary issue at play here. Sienna you’re pointing out someone that can’t HEAR NO. Brenda, you’re pointing out ways to be able to SAY NO, which a lot of people struggle with as well.

    Sienna, that’s a really good observation on your part. Once you ‘see’ this as a sign of weak boundaries/immaturity, and someone who can’t be a good friend (man or woman), you’ll start to see it in lots of people.

    Very interesting…without this skill you have of ‘observing ego’, you cannot grow. Now you can see why :)

    So when you meet a man for example, you can test him. When he asks for something, just say no (and do it early), and see how he reacts. I dated a man shortly after my divorce (when I was still learning about all this stuff)–I always went along with whatever he wanted. One day I said “no” to something, and it wasn’t even that big of a deal–he FREAKED! Huge, huge fight. I had doubts about him to begin with, this is justified them.

    And what I say above about men is the same exact thing about new or existing women ‘friends’.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:50am

  107. 107: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda: Thanks for your support and sympathy! I feel from your comments that you have a big heart, enoufg for the whole world! It1s very rare, belive me… I would like you to give more out of your heart to the world and less to men. To animal protection, charity whatever. They really need your positive energy and unconditional love.

    Back to my point: Yes the dating scene is wird here, even for me. Although I was born and raised here, I can’t relate myself to it. It’s not common here to read about dating and get good info, like Rori’s ones. My girls say that they don’t want a book to tell them how to date men!!! WOW. I don’t like being judgemental but they are falling for the wrong patterns. Just like I did! So it’s double as hard for me to follow Rori’s advices.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 11:59am

  108. 108: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I think I’m going to have to just pass on going out with boring attorney guy. I realize this flies in the face of what Rori posted above, but she has also said to stay as long as it’s fun and you’re enjoying yourself, and I feel neither of these things with him. There are, however, several other men on my radar right now, including one that I KNOW is not the right guy for me, but I went ahead and wrote him back and if things go smoothly in our emails/phone conversations, I will go ahead and go out with him at least once just to practice.

    With boring attorney guy, I just feel like I would be setting myself up for a uncomfortable evening while I sit there feeling bored, you know?

    The good news is, I just hung up from my new CD#1 and the subject of dating other people already came up, so I gave him my power speech about dating around. I told him I didn’t want to be one of those women who sits at home and waits for the phone to ring and that my ultimate goal was marriage, but I wanted to keep my options open until I was sure the right guy had come along. He didn’t have a big problem with this, but he did comment that if a man had just given the same speech to a woman that he would be labeled a player.

    I said that was primarily because of sex — that men who date around often feel comfortable sleeping around and that I wasn’t comfortable with having sex with multiple people at the same time. His reply was good to hear — he said, “that’s good that you said that. Now I know what the ground rules are” meaning he knew that if sex came into the picture, I wouldn expect exclusivity on both sides.

    I feel so relieved having already established this as a ground rule and also having already gotten the “green light” so to speak on continuing to CD even if I start seeing this guy regularly. He SAYS he’s very much intent on meeting ONE person that he can really get to know, but a lot of guys say that because they think thats’ what women want to hear.

    In any event, he does seem to be opening up to me emotionally (he shared with me he was having a tough day — he’s arranging hospice care for his dying father and the stress of it is getting to him) and I was glad to hear that he felt comfortable enough with me to share that.

    I also have a cutie a few hours away that I’m emailing and I suspect we’ll end up talking on the phone w/i the next few days…I like that I’m getting attention from so many men and that I don’t have to automatically rule out the cute guy who’s not right for me because I already know he’s not right for me…he’s still cute and worthy of at least one date, I feel:-)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:00pm

  109. 109: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I vote for YOU!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:06pm

  110. 110: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    @Denise: Oh no way, I never wanted to overfunction as playing a servant! :) I was all lean back- but they didn’t let me! I was teased that I’m lazy etc., wouldn’t make a good wife!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:08pm

  111. 111: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie – it’s not common anywhere to get amazing life changing advice like Rori’s. It’s not common HERE that women circular date. It’s only those women who are naturally successful with men – they just do it without even trying – that are actually doing Rori’s stuff without reading it.

    PS – I’m Eastern European also.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:10pm

  112. 112: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie – I really want to hug you! Men that do that are NOT what you want!

    NOT ALL MEN WILL ACT THIS WAY!

    And even some who might with some women, won’t with a Goddess who treats HERSELF well.

    As your self-esteem builds, and YOU treat yourself better – you will come to a place when you can hear that remark and say : “ohh that feels bad to hear. I do NOT want to be called lazy.” without attacking- and MEN will treat you better.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:13pm

  113. 113: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My mom did not cook until she was married – Eastern European. I’m pretty sure that was common at least when she was growing up, men took women out for a juice, on a date. There was no cooking for them because most lived with their parents.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:14pm

  114. 114: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie,

    That is one of the kindest things anyone ever said to me! Thank you! I know I want to do something to help people and/or animals. I have thought of running a shelter for women, children, and dogs. The women and children could help care for the dogs, and it would be therapeutic for all!

    In the meantime, I sign petitions for PETA and Defenders of Wildlife, etc.

    I am really fighting my personality to be doing highly technical boy energy document formatting and editing at a pharmaceutical company!

    Rosalie, I think the RIGHT MAN will respond to your feminine energy and GET IT. I have realized not just any man is for me.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:16pm

  115. 115: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    What I like so much about Siren Island, what sets you all apart from other women, is self-awareness. You are all trying to change your lives and relationships for the better. You are really exceptional ladies, and I feel so honored to be friends with you. Rori is the queen of Siren Island!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:18pm

  116. 116: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    yay Daria, I vote for me too! Now that we’re in agreement, it will happen. Yay!

    Denise, it feels immature, you’re right. Reminds me of something Bob Grant says, “Please don’t hint to avoid conflict, because hinting is what small children do. [My wife] knew she had the right to stand up for herself, even if I didn’t understand. By listening to her heart and daring to stand her ground even if I got upset, she saved our entire evening and reminded me of why so many men proposed marriage to her.”

    …and I would add, using feeling messages is the way to “stand my ground” so that I’m heard.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:18pm

  117. 117: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    CC talks about honesty and deep honesty. I feel good about reserving my deep honesty for those closest to me. Of course I am way too open here, but wow, if that vulnerability is the price I pay for the support, love, and growth I feel, I am willing to pay it!

    I think if I tell a friend, “Sorry, I have plans tonight”, and she persists, then she’s the one being rude. I mean, if I had wanted to tell her, I’d tell her.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:20pm

  118. 118: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria: Yes, I know that you are from an Eastern European country! :) When did you leave for the USA? Or you still live here?

    Thank you for the hug and sending it back to you! I love your electric sensitivity… You are a modern Emily Dickinson- figure to me.

    I really love you all here and I wish all you found great happiness…

    You know, what you wrote here is something really interesting that I have just picked recently. My mother was treated exactly the way like yours. My dad invited her out for innocent little dates, treated with respect, gave her flowers, parfume, chocolate, books, cinema tickets etc. normal stuff. She only learnt how to cook when she was a fresh wife and she had to throw lot of food to the garbage at first :) She didn’t even know that she has to pay with MONEY for the bills :) Haha….

    Right now, guys here are totally different from the ones 25 years ago. They want everthing for free! With exclusivity, of course- and they give nothing back. No real commitment, no real love, caring, affection. My toxic man is American though, totally diff. culture from mine, but he was realythe King of Free Relationships. He wrote long emotional emailsinstead of calling on the phone, because email is for free! And I didn’t notice it!!! Argh.

    Believe me, I really don’t get what’s going on here…

    @Brenda: I absolutely LOVE your idea! I hope you can make it! This idea is great, the children, women taking care for homeless animals! Let us know how we can help you. I truly feel that is in your heart and in your personal El Camino… I don’t know what do you do for the living, how many freetime you have, but I would like you to start and focus on it asap! I WANT publicity for you.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:45pm

  119. 119: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Brenda, just see what you wrote about your profession. I didn’t get it first, I’m so dumb for IT I don’t even recognize it :) (or kind…?) :)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:53pm

  120. 120: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie – I have to fight the trend here in the USA (not fight, but Warrior Woman myself for NO and for my boundaries).

    I came when I was 8, but I visit my home country almost every year and have definitely dated guys there.

    Here in America the “type” of guys I date, girls DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM!!! and not just cook. They s*** their d***. They BUY THEM EXPENSIVE THINGS!!!

    My ex, who I saw last nite, was talking about how this girl who he went out with the other day BOUGHT HIM A 300 dollar + phone. and how he IS NOT going to pay her back.

    Guys expect MOST girls, to give in to them, be faithful and BUY them things.

    But that is MOST girls.

    With the SPECIAL FEW GIRLS – they fall in love with the Special Few and they act and feel like men … they are the ones who want to be with them, compete for them, please them, and buy them things….

    but A girl has to show that she VALUES HERSELF to fall in the special few.

    It’s going well here.

    I know it will work everywhere in the world… Rori’s work is like … Spirit…

    I can have what I want.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:55pm

  121. 121: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie – believe me it is way ‘worse’ here as far as what men expect from women. It’s still much more chivalrous in my country from my experience.

    So if it can be done here it can be done anywhere… remember its how WE FEEL about things that sets the tone.

    So if we feel TURNED OFF when a man speaks badly to us, then it’s easy to avoid them.

    This is why we practice the tools, so that we get in a habit and then we actually feel turned off when they do something that we dont feel good about,

    instead of feeling like WE did something wrong, or have to be better.

    And then the man will fall into a different pattern of acting.

    It’s almost like they have different patterns, men – one kind of behavior to the women they don’t care about, a different kind of behavior to the ones they do – and so I want to be the receiver of what feels good… and REJECT what doesn’t feel good… without blaming him, because I know that this same man can treat me wonderful too

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:59pm

  122. 122: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    I did a sunbathing affirmation prayer in a nice quiet private place this morning. Feeling the warmth of the sun and the breeze carress my skin and the earth supporting me. I deserve the best, I deserve love. I deserve honesty and respect. I allow my feelings. I care about my feelings. My time is a gift I share with those who deserve it. I share time with those who I deserve. I trust the universe to bring what I ask for. I create what I want, in cooperation with the universe. so Im working and playing on healing and loving myself and allowing my sorrows and finding my way to getting happier.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 12:59pm

  123. 123: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria,
    to comment on :”this same man can treat me wonderful too.” I was feeling fear that the man was post honeymoon phase treating me badly and using the resources I had helped him to gather to offer his wonderful treatment to another woman. I decide if he isnt appreciating and respecting me then he doesnt deserve so much of my time. I am taking my time back. When I am ready I will share some time with him if he wins it! Im the prize! Then he will have a chance to treat me right and perhaps earn more of my time. If he doesnt treat me well then he will get less of my time. Whether hes the man or not I deserve the best and I am going to give and receive love and share time with a wonderful gentleman! Yes!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 1:18pm

  124. 124: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    @Daria: Wow, what an insight! I still have to find my jaw on the floor somewhere… Girls buying expensive things for GUYS??? I didn’t know that!!! I’m shocked right now! But it explains a lot to me with my American man… He is really extreme. He never loved me, but he bought me many things, paid for dinner, food, drinks, bought me stuff. All I “bought” him was a knitted hat for the winter, but I didn’t buy it, it was mine and new, I just didn’t use it so I gave it to him. I bought him sometimes a box of chocolate. What I noticed later, he GAVE but didn’t give with a GOOD HEART!!!

    I don’t think any bigger present for a man is acceptable for me!!! Nothing bigger than a hat, T-shirt, DVD, book. NO WAY!!! Only if the man is my husband or my son, then of course, yes! But az expensive cell??? If I gave a man az exp. cell, I would require an exp. car for it- haha :)

    I want a man to invite me. I want to be given with pure joy. I want to receive. And I feel alone with my want-s :(

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 1:31pm

  125. 125: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ok — I just took a risk that made me feel uncomfortable, but I did it anyway.

    Heard from long distance guy today (the one I spent July 4th wknd with but who’s been backing off with the frequency of his contact since then). He asked how my week was going and I said I felt optimistic…talked a little about some good things going on at work and said, “I feel good”.

    Then I said, “I feel a little disconnected from you, though…what do you think we can do about that?” Gosh — it really took some guts on my part to say that! I know for a lot of you that would be old hat at this point, but expressing my displeasure at not hearing from him in a way that could be heard is something I’m working on right now. What do you think? Was I leaning forward by doing that?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 1:33pm

  126. 126: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee #117

    First off, good for you for having the courage to ‘say what you need to say’. And, more importantly, to practice.

    My only comment to that was not that you said it, and I think you said it perfectly, Rori would be proud I think! It’s just that it seems a little early in the dating timetime. When first dating someone, the best attitude is light and flirty. This statement feels like it’s something down the line, where more of a relationship has been established.

    Long distance is tough too. Only the time we actually spend in person with each really counts on the courtship/dating timeline. We’re built as humans to court in person :)

    What did he say back?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:02pm

  127. 127: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    LovelyLady, you go! Take your time back! Take yourself back! Make him earn your time and especially your affection!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:04pm

  128. 128: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Siena #108

    Thanks for sharing that! Goes back to another post that I’ve learned to be direct and not use a lot of words with men. You’ll see Rori suggests that to…”I feel, I don’t want, what do you think.” I have found this to be effective.

    I love Rori’s feelings messages, it’s really helped me to bring out my softer side and get in touch with my feelings. My personality type is such that I’m not driven by emotion but more by thinking/action. The feeling messaging helps me to be more assertive vs. aggressive and more feminine/soft. Awesome!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:10pm

  129. 129: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — He hasn’t replied yet…not sure what he’ll say. I feel your point is a very good one, though.

    The reason I’m feeling this way is that before the July 4th weekend, he txted me everyday and called 3-4 times a week…I felt a certain sense of “connection” with him, whether it was real or not. We kept up with each others’ days and I knew if he was traveling for work that week exactly where he was and what he was doing…now, 2 days may go by before I hear from him, and it’s much more likely to be a txt than a call now.

    So, I see your point and perhaps I shouldn’t feel this way, but I was feeling a certain sense of connection to him prior to my last visit and I’m missing that feeling right now.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:11pm

  130. 130: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosalie,

    Thank you once again for your warm comments! I don’t know yet if I will run a shelter. It is one idea of several that I have. And, please don’t call yourself dumb, even if it’s only said with tongue-in-cheek. We are all practicing how to love ourselves and love each other on here with softness and gentleness, and I will be the first to say I am not perfect.

    About men and giving, I believe a healthy marriage would look like 100% giving and 100% giving. I agree that in the dating stages, it is the man giving to the woman. Only a man with a beautiful, loving heart would give with pure, noble motives. He would give because he cherishes, honors, and respects women.

    By nature, most people are self-centered. I want a man who is other-centered.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:17pm

  131. 131: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — like you, I tend to be more of a thinker/action-oriented person, so this shift to expressing my feelings has definitely been a big change for me. I do see, however, the whole point behind it and I think that’s the crucial part I’ve been missing in my relationships with men. I just finished the last dvd in the “Committment Blueprint” program and it was so good!

    I’m working on CD’ing with as many men as I can fit in my schedule, but I’m still uncomfortable with the going out with “anyone who asks you” thing. I mean, if you’re dating online, you’ll get all sorts of men whom you’re incompatible with ask you out (65-yr-old toothless truck-drivers, etc) — they may not be “frightening” as Rori put it, but they’re certainly unappealing. I can’t imagine she actually wants us to go out with every single guy who asks us! I’d really regret spending my free time that way, and it is “spending”, meaning it’s valuable and once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. I’d rather practice on someone I at least find physically appealing, even if he’s not a good match for me based on other factors.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:20pm

  132. 132: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee,

    I struggle with who to date, too. I did finally just respond to the 62 yo, with little enthusiasm. I feel protective of my time and energy too. I know what Rori’s point is we are going out for free therapy, not to find Mr. Right. That’s just the bonus that is more probable the more experience we get. I am trying to reason with myself that a conversation with a lonely man isn’t going to hurt me.

    An analogy came to mind today about the shift that naturally occurs as we get out there.

    I go to meetings at work about the documents I’m revising at least once a week, sometimes 8-10 a week. Sometimes I meet one-on-one with scientists, and sometimes it’s a group meeting to finalize a document. I have been on this project since December. When I went to my first document meeting, I felt extremely nervous, and I prepared two days in advance.

    Now that I am seven months into the project, going to document meetings has become familiar and I know the ropes, even when Bill can’t be here to lead the group meetings. I know what needs to be covered, and I know the procedures.

    As Rori said above, our “dating equation” is typically

    dating = dread, disappointment and despair

    As we circular date, we refine our skills while refining our tastes in men until it gets to be second nature to navigate what are sometimes painful waters of dating.

    I look forward to when my dating equation becomes

    dating = fun, joy, and connection! :-)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:32pm

  133. 133: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    One question in the back of my mind is if men are so fragile and difficult, why make the effort? Why not go for a man who is seasoned and comfortable to be with, who won’t withdraw at the mention of the horrible word, “feeling”?!

    I guess the answer is because I need to learn more of emotional intelligence: knowing what to say, when to say it, to whom to say it, and how to say it.

    Ugh. No more just being gut level and saying whatever comes to mind. I just don’t like walking on eggshells. It’s a fine balance.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:38pm

  134. 134: Simply Shannon Take IINo Gravatar says:

    Rori, This is Simply Shannon again. I’m submitting under a different name in hopes that you’ll see this post and reply.

    I’ve been reading “Trust that I am loved” and looking online at articles about listening with compassion. I recently encountered a situation which highlighted for me how little I practice this valuable tool. Specifically listening with compassion is about reflecting back that person’s experience (rather than offering advice or relating their words to a familiar experience of our own). I thought this was similar to listening at Level 2. But I see phrases suggested to reflect back as:
    The issue is…
    You thought/think…
    You wanted/want…
    You felt/are feeling…
    You needed/are needing…
    Your experience was/is…

    Typically we Sirens would stay away from “you” and talk about how “I feel”. Wouldn’t “I feel” be relating the story back to ourselves? Is that because it’s a male/female relationship? Or maybe I’m just not making the connection.

    I’m really trying to work on my compassionate listening. One of my dear friends came to me with a really bad situation. And while I thought I was helping her by suggesting resources in her area and being there for her, she felt overwhelmed and wanted to run away. I realized I had to stop advising her and just listen. It’s hard! And even in that, I learned my advice giving made me feel better. So now I’m practicing sitting with my discomfort and trusting her to fix things or ask me if she wants help.

    I’d like your comments on this when you have time.

    Thank you Rori for all that you do. Blessings and love, Shannon

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:54pm

  135. 135: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I have to say you ladies are awesome! I’m not new to Rori’s stuff, but I am new to this forum. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, how you are open to what Rori is teaching and WILLING (such an important word) to try things differently and to learn.

    @Renee #121

    If this is long distance and things are just text/phone/email/IM, men lose interest (I lose interest!). They need to have that physical time and connection, and electronic means just don’t cut it. I’m not a big fan of long distance on line dating…this is my opinion, but I know others share it, it’s much better to date people who are close by (you decide your own parameters, but most men want around 30 minutes commute). It’s more in person time to spend together and it’s more time for you to truly evaluate him on reality, not on what he’s telling you (which could be anything).

    I thought you said that to him on the phone…I’ll be interested to hear how he responds. You have a good attitude though, and your circular dating…NEXT! :)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 2:55pm

  136. 136: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, re #125. The first thought that came to my mind in answer to your question,

    “One question in the back of my mind is if men are so fragile and difficult, why make the effort? Why not go for a man who is seasoned and comfortable to be with, who won’t withdraw at the mention of the horrible word, “feeling”?!”

    is that water finds its own level, which is the reason for CDing.

    At least, that’s been my experience. If you were to review my past in terms of boyfriends, you would be able to accurately predict what was happening in my emotional life by looking at the guys I was with.

    When I first started Rori’s work, all the men I met were fem-energy. Now, months later, I hardly (if ever) encounter any fem-energy men at all.

    Just something to put in your pipe and smoke. :)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:00pm

  137. 137: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee #121 and Brenda #125

    I totally agree with you Renee on everything you said. Plus, I think, I’m spending time with this guy I know is not in my league and I would never settle down with–I could be in a place where I’m meeting Mr. Right! I think Brenda put it well in regard to how to look at it in her analogy to experience at her work.

    On line dating is only ONE method to meet people. One is exposed to so many more people on line just by statistics alone, so it stands to reason there’s going to be more rejection all around.

    On line dating is also BACKWARDS. The FIRST step in dating is physical attraction and that’s from seeing someone in person. In on line dating, you’re going right to friendship and commitment, which are steps 2 & 3. It’s also so easy to project on line–meaning we build someone up to be something they are not. I can’t tell you the amount of dates I went on where the telephone and email connection was great, but once we met physically, the attraction wasn’t there. UGHHHH!

    I think meeting someone in person is the best way. If you live in a place where there aren’t a lot of single men, consider moving to increase your chances. And do what Rori said to do in the 12 steps above–they definitely work. They could be way out of anyone’s current comfort zone, but take baby steps and try one thing new for awhile and see how that goes.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:02pm

  138. 138: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Sienna #127 and Brenda #125

    I totally agree with Sienna, very good observation. There’s a saying that goes like, “We attract those of like maturity”. I know sometimes maturity can be a ‘harsh’ word, but it is a correct word. As we mature in ourselves, get better boundaries, gain more experience, gain the skill of observing ego, learn and practice and EXPERIENCE, we’ll just naturally attract those who are in a similar place. It really is amazing how that happens.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:05pm

  139. 139: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    oh, wow.
    Would ya look at that? I’m stupid.
    I didn’t realize it before, but yup…there it is STOOPIT.
    Money friend just said she’d like to be in judo instructor’s book…the one that’s a photo essay on vulvas.
    So I just went ahead and set that up for her. She’d like to give a copy to her fiancee.
    So I organized it.
    Cause I’m a good friend and sooo friggin helpful.
    And I just put the object of my obsession in a room the hottest woman I know…the MOST siren-y goddess I’ve ever met..and she will be naked. With her “I go to the gym 6 days a week and get a full mani pedi facial ever other week” body.
    Wow. How do I manage to navigate the in the world with out a helper to make sure I don’t get lost?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:05pm

  140. 140: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I guess the answer is because I need to learn more of emotional intelligence: knowing what to say, when to say it, to whom to say it, and how to say it.

    Ugh. No more just being gut level and saying whatever comes to mind. I just don’t like walking on eggshells. It’s a fine balance.

    You know, one of the downsides of all this learning is that we tend to use tactics and they don’t always feel natural. And believe me, they probably aren’t being perceived as natural.

    A lot of this is what’s inside…like Rori says, Loving ourselves and who we are and what each of us brings to the table that is unique. Being that Diva. Once that really is internalized, then the rest of the stuff just falls into place.

    What is also super helpful is developing that skill to coach yourself real time, it’s like stepping outside yourself and looking down (creepy huh?) to really see what’s going on. As you practice and gain more experience, this becomes more natural and just a part of who you are.

    I think you’re doing awesome..I don’t know where you came from, but you seem to really get this stuff at an intellectual level. AND you’re open and willing!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:13pm

  141. 141: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, okay, dating = Joy, fun and connection. It really can be and more. I am still dating Mr. Shy guy but remember….he has no money. BUT oh my gosh, this guy sure knows how to love and for the first time in a VERY long, long time I feel it. But Rori isn’t for it. She doesn’t want me rescuing anyone, and I don’t want to. I just feel such a soul connection with him. We dated over 35 years ago, YES, 35 years ago….and lost track and here we are again. It’s pretty crazy……

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:26pm

  142. 142: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — Well, obviously, I’d prefer to date men who live closer to me, but I just don’t tend to meet many men in my city that appeal to me…I’m giving one guy a mimum of attention simply because he is cute and lives in my city, but I’m so particular about the type of man I want to settle down with that it seems it takes looking outside my area to find it.

    At least the guy I’m seeing Saturday lives only an hour and 15 minutes from me…the other guy I’m kind of interested in lives 3 hours away, but I’ve done the long distance thing several times before and I’m fine with it — but the guy has to be fine with it to for it to work…no ‘convincing’ the guy to take it on.

    If I don’t hear back from long distance guy because of THAT txt, then he obviously is not a guy I need to keep in my rotation. I feel a certain sense of obligation to see if things could work with him because we did have sex, but I can’t (or won’t) row the boat by myself!

    Interesting, though, that he’s mentioned several times before about a woman needing to ‘convince’ him of something…for example, he said, in his last 2 relationships, that he was prepared to take it ‘all the way’ but things just didn’t work out. He said now, that if he meets someone special, he thinks he would be ready to get married ‘with a little convincing’ from the girl. Is that a touch of feminine energy coming out or just a guy who’s used to women in the ‘convincing’ role (he’s quite a catch, so the latter wouldn’t surprise me). Interesting to think about…

    Brenda — just a thought…if we all only went for men with ‘seasoning’, we’d all be dating old geezers, lol!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:27pm

  143. 143: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — I get what you’re saying about the “projecting” with online dating, which is why I don’t email and talk on the phone with guys forever before I meet them. I’m pretty up front with the fact that I’m not looking for an “email pal” and that the only way for us to know if there’s chemistry is to meet face to face. Guys seem as eager, if not moreso, to meet in person than I am, so I don’t get too caught up in anticipation before I’ve met the person in real life — I, too, have been disappointed many, many times, but at least now I’ll look at it as a learning experience and try to work the tools during the date instead of just spending the dinner hour trying to imagine creative excuses to go home early, lol.

    I’m pretty busy with work so online dating just seems to work better for me than spending hours at a bar or the bookstore just hoping someone interesting will come in…I’d rather log in, check msgs, reply, search and move on to the next thing.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:38pm

  144. 144: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Hey all you siren women…..I just want to share something I’ve noticed….guys love it when you’re kissing etc. and you say out of the blue…..I just love being a woman…it turns them on….

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:42pm

  145. 145: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee #133

    Sounds you understand the downsides of long distance dating and are willing to accept those to fine a suitable man for you. Nothing wrong with that! It just makes it tougher, that’s all. Another thing I am older (46) with lots of other responsibilities (demanding career, two teenage children, different circles of girlfriends), so even seeing a man who lives within 30 minutes can be challenging! Much less finding a man who I like (challenging), is mature, is not married (and separated is married) and is over his wife if he’s divorced (and is beyond a death, which is a different scenario) and living outside a city (but in a suburb that is somewhat large, and close to cities).

    I have gone through a STRING of men over the past couple of years. I was lucky enough to meet a man last January and we dated for six months, strong feelings on both sides but the timing was off. I just met another man recently that I’m going on a second date official with, he’s very promising. Both men are soooo different, but that’s okay.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:44pm

  146. 146: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Jeannette #135

    I like that, I’m going to try that! I was having a conversation last week with a man about feminity and my path to be a feminine woman, he seemed to dig it!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:46pm

  147. 147: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, any thoughts on #132 here……or anyone for that matter!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 3:48pm

  148. 148: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Denise — good luck to you on your second date with this guy! I hope he turns out to be everything you want:-).

    Jeannette — that’s a tough one…I get the nostalgia and old heart connection of a long lost love, but I just couldn’t take dating a man with no money. Now, that could be just me — perhaps you’re very comfortable financially and would be ok being the masculine partner in this area of the relationship, but I wouldn’t. It sounds like that’s pretty much your choice here — be the breadwinner and risk totally emasculating this man, or wait around a while and see if he can get his act together.

    I don’t envy you, though..the prospect of dumping someone you feel you have a “soulmate” connection with isn’t a pleasant thought to deal with, but I don’t see how this could end up with him in the totally masculine roll unless he’s already working on getting his act together. Is he?

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 4:31pm

  149. 149: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, it’s a tough one for sure. This guy I told you about, ‘Mr. Soulmate’ has diabetes and due to taking a bad medication for it, has suffered a heart attack as a result. Now there is a law suit pending and many others are involved with the suit who have also suffered from it. So my guy here is currently on disability, but even before that, wasn’t real goal oriented, having worked in stores and stuff and played in bands on the weekends for years. Rori told me that I am too much into rescuing men…..I don’t see that, he’s the only one I’ve dated who hasn’t much money.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 4:39pm

  150. 150: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m cleaning up my old emails, and came across this one. Reading it made all the tension go out of my body, so I’m sharing portions:

    Conscious manifestation unfolds in three stages:
    In the first stage you focus on clarifying what you really want. When you get clear on your five ‘death-bed’ goals, for example, you enjoy clarity
    about your direction that you didn’t have before. You also focus on spotting the patterns of unconscious manifestation that are driving the self destructive
    forces in your life.

    In the second stage you develop the art of loving things as they are. This step is crucial, because only love is big enough to embrace all the seeming mistakes of the past and the bumps along the way to manifesting all your heart’s desires.

    In the third stage you move easefully through the world, enjoying the spontaneous appearance of seemingly miraculous surprises and gifts. You
    focus on fine-tuning your view of the world so you can manifest things easefully.

    Let’s focus on stage two—loving things exactly as they are.

    The Key Insight:
    Even the most troublesome patterns change when you love and accept them just the way they are.

    The Key Move:
    When you notice something you want to change, first love and accept it just as it is.

    Those are such strange ideas that I found it difficult to grasp them, even for a flickering moment, when I first discovered them. But they work, and often they’re the only things that work. When I’m really scared, for example, the only thing that dissolves my fear is remembering to love and accept it. Often my old unconscious programming tells me to try to get rid of my fear. Every cell in my body may be screaming “I don’t want to be afraid!,” but the fear just keeps getting bigger. Then I remember to love the fear, and it dissolves into ease.

    This week, as you move and breathe and go through your regular activities, float this affirmation through your mind every now and then:

    I love as much as I can, wherever I happen to be.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 4:39pm

  151. 151: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I love and accept the 3-month dating pattern that I enjoy in my life. I love and accept #1CD exactly how he is. I love and accept our dating relationship exactly how it is.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 4:41pm

  152. 152: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, thinking out loud, maybe loving and accepting things the way there are keeps us from controlling the uncontrollable. To lean back and let the universe work it’s magic :), and finally, to be surprised at the wonderful things that happen in this life!

    Thanks for posting this…helps to reinforce patience!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 5:00pm

  153. 153: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Long distance guy responded with:

    “I know we haven’t talked as much as normal” and then changed the subject to something light.

    I’m just kind of feeling jerked around here and feel like telling him so…like I’ve been relegated to being the back-up girl instead of the primary girl and I don’t like feeling like that.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 5:40pm

  154. 154: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – how come the guy doesn’t have any money? I might be missing some history.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 6:40pm

  155. 155: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    oops – I just read #140…

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 6:44pm

  156. 156: DianaNo Gravatar says:

    I got a question. When you are circular dating…who pays? Him, me, or we split? I just want to make sure.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 6:49pm

  157. 157: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, he seems like he likes you, he’s still reaching out to you.

    You guys are long distance, correct? I get the feeling like you haven’t seen much of each other in person. Sounds like the 4th weekend was fun though!

    I know you don’t want to hear this :), and I’ll be quiet after this, but you’re not there with him. You’re not in his world physically where he can see you, smell you, touch you–that’s the way men are instinctually. He may even not have another girl in his life, but the reality is fading. It’s hard to be angry with someone for something they can’t control – their instincts.

    If you want to do long distance, then this is the downside of that arrangement.

    Light and flirty, remember? :)

    That’s it…

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 6:54pm

  158. 158: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, thank you all for all your feedback. I really enjoyed reading all this meeting of the minds and hearts and spirits. I am too tired right now to respond.

    I especially got a kick out of having to date old geezers if we all wanted seasoned men! LOL! Makes me miss my 31 year old sissy-girly-boy! I miss Ry Guy! He’s my Dollbaby!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:06pm

  159. 159: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It was really deep stuff you all wrote. I really like talking about this stuff. So nice to have someone to talk to. I’ve rolled this stuff around in my mind for years. Now I’m really getting it cuz I have people to discuss it with and get new insights, etc.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:12pm

  160. 160: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – my feeling on it is play for a while with this fellow – he is old flame? Old flames are…old flames. It is very possible you are in love with the memories and projecting them forward. My guess is to allow the magic of three months to work its way through. Integrate your head and heart, allow yourself to really see what you are doing, feeling, experiencing in REAL not IMAGINARY. I am forever surprised at the overwhelming power of imaginary. It will colour just about everything. Remember imaginary is rescue. Work at leaning back. Every time you find yourself wanting to do something nice – back off and lean back. Wait and see.

    Easier said than done – take that from another “rescuer”

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:12pm

  161. 161: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, if Rori is saying you’re a ‘rescuer’ and this guy is another ‘project’ for you, then I would seriously consider that she’s probably right. I know, I know…not the thing we want to hear! (I had someone tell me not to date married men, made excuses that he was separated, his wife bought another house, they won’t get back together again–had my heart broken. He was right.)

    I think Lizzie gave good advice, take your time, live for the moment, keep your eyes open, see reality.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:22pm

  162. 162: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    I am on team poor guy. I see Rori’s point, and it’s valid. I don’t think money matters. I think heart connection and all that internal stuff matters. I am also a rescuer, so don’t listen to me! :-)

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:34pm

  163. 163: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, you said, “imaginary is rescue”.

    Whew, deep. Major, major thing in my life. I have used imagination and fantasy way too much. I am too tired. Maybe tomorrow. I am really processing that. I use it to control outcome. I don’t dare to let a real man write the ending. I am scared to death it won’t be a happy ending. And I push the man right out of the relationship. Whew. Major modification in process. Remodeling is messy. I’m a mess inside, that is.

    I just passed the one year mark of when Ryan faked a proposal. One year grieving and it’s time to move on. I want to call him. Time to move on. I want to call him. Time to move on.

    Thanks for all your insights! Really deep stuff here!

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 7:37pm

  164. 164: LeLeNo Gravatar says:

    I should just print out this blog and hang it on my cabinet so I’ll see it every morning. (chuckle)

    I’ve had a bad headache the last couple of days. Not in a good place. Tired and frustrated with everything.

    Used the heart connection tool to see/acknowledge/love all hurt/tension in my body. I feel quiet, just being right now. A good place to be… much better than the last couple of days.

    I am dating P still while I get better at CD. He still calls most every day. Even if it is just to say goodnight. If he misses an evening, he calls the next morning. It is interesting that I am comfortable being quiet with him. I’ve never been comfortable like that before. I slide back and forth in wanting specifics and letting go of control/goals. I feel I am getting better – less time spent on bad feelings.

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:33pm

  165. 165: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks guys…Mr. Shy Guy has no money cuz he didn’t have good jobs in the past…not that he is necessarily lazy…I need to find out more. I don’t think he had loads of self esteem cuz he’s so shy….ever met anyone like that? So he worked in grocery stores and played in bands by night…..but oh, can he play the guitar like NO OTHER!!! He is very sincere when he tells me he loves me……you just know…..and despite being shy…..communicates with me like no other. He must feel comfortable with me and I don’t mean it in a bragging sort of way. We are just comfortable with ea other. He is a very tender hearted man. Really you would like him. So, that is the good and the bad is the no money thing. Financially, I am not set but who the heck is right now? I do pay my bills though and he is on disability. Maybe I am in a imaginary world here….but I am not fully convinced. I will take a wait and see. Thanks again everyone..

    Thursday, 22 July 2010 @ 9:43pm

  166. 166: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Josie, Welcome – and the answer is Practice…Just keep doing it until a man says “morning” to you first! Love, Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 12:38am

  167. 167: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – I love that book, but those words you write make it all too complicated for what we’re doing here – that’s called ‘active listening” – and I want you to try “passive listening” where you just listen. You hear – you nod your head, you go “ohhh.” and “bummer” and basically – your ENERGY is just THERE for the other person as you listen. you FEEL compassion, and you THINK compassion. Try it and let me know…Love, Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 12:45am

  168. 168: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Simply Shannon,

    I just read Rori’s comment and looked up the reference.

    I don’t know about your goal of just listening.

    I went through some really tough times when I was younger. And my sister-in-law “just listened.” Somehow I didn’t feel like she was really there. Or even cared. And she never sided with me or against me. She was non-committal all the way.

    I have another friend who always sees what I’m saying. And she gets feisty and mad and sometimes she cries when I’m going through stuff. She’s really there! And the way she does it is so subtly different! She joins in with me. She feels it with me. She doesn’t offer advice or solutions, but when she says “bummer,” we both laugh, or cry, or whatever I’m doing at the moment!

    My sister-in-law was never one to say “bummer” because that would be choosing sides. My friend always chooses my side.

    Oh! That’s the diff.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 1:44am

  169. 169: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Reading all these stories really does something to me.

    It makes me upset that men get to initiate. Am I dialing my phone though? No. Just look at all the stories about WAITING for a man to make his move. Ugh.

    When I read stories by other women who are going through the very things I’ve been through, and it’s so OBVIOUS that they’re with a loser, I just have to think that no man is worth all that much pain.

    I’m just not gonna stay in pain any more.

    I’ve learned that it’s okay to be alone.

    And I’ve learned that I can get dates.

    My phone will ring off the wall if I want it to. (And yours will, too, if you put yourself out there.)

    And I’ve learned that it feels good to have plans.

    So I will go out if I want to go out. I’ll be alone if I want to be alone. And if someone really, REALLY wants to marry me, he’s gonna have to try pretty hard. Because I’m loving just chillin’ out, bein’ me.

    What I’m sayin’ is:

    I don’t have to be in pain any more. Relationship pain is a thing of the past, if I can quit projecting when I first meet a guy! I’m working on that…

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 1:54am

  170. 170: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oooooh…

    R started contacting me again. he’s my boomerang man.

    i told him that i was HAPPY to hear the sound of his voice. that i was CURIOUS about his calls “out of the blue.”. and that i DIDN’T WANT to talk about my finances, real estate, the state of the world, my family or who we’ve been dating.

    that i was into New. Excitement. Epiphanies. Exercise. Good food.

    What did he think?

    And he wrote back and said that we wouldn’t have much to talk about then…

    so that was that.

    i feel powerful.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 3:11am

  171. 171: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Mary…wow! Good for you…going after what you want and not settling for less. For being assertive.

    I have a new recent saying in my life–I want people in my life, men and girlfriends who are:

    Fun, Flirty and Happy

    :)

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 4:48am

  172. 172: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Re: Sienna # 147 – I just noticed your post – it resonated so much with me… I’m really attempting to ‘become more conscious’ & have just written down the 3 Steps you mention..Thank You So Much…
    Loving (the guy), as he is… even if ‘the way’ it transpires seems like ‘love will never come to me the way i want’….. Stopping ‘resisting’ & just ‘accepting’ the situation (& him) …….
    OMG!!!!… Right (right!!) now… my Txt Guy – long story.. difficult for me.. he ‘doesn’t want a relationship’ & stated that at start… I [inadvertantly!!! :( ] got involved anyway!!! Over a year now… [been CD as well tho] …& I’ve been trying to ‘accept’ HIM…. how he IS…. THEN, right, right!!! @ 9.35 pm…NOW… He Txts Me!!! [usually I have to initiate contact & He Always Responds.. but I have STOPPED recently & focussed on CD]… Now he has Just Txtd Me [saying 'lost job' {that not good!}... & asking me to come & be his girlfriend, in trailer park, where he'll soon be living LOL!!]…. OMG.. all JOKING… but Heaven’s Above… HE SAID it!!! re Girlfriend!!!…. He has been resisting that All Along…
    The ‘not contacting’.. as Rori says… & the CD (keeping Me happy & busy & ‘feelin good about me’) just manifests MIRACLES…. :-) :-) :-) :-)
    Thanks Rori…………….!!!!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 5:01am

  173. 173: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Rori # 162
    Thanks for your reply Rori.
    I’m just beginning my journey into my 40′s armed with the new knowledge I’ve found here on your website.
    Thank you so much for being here for us lost & lonely women of the World x

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 5:29am

  174. 174: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Mary — I understand what you’re saying about listening, and this is an area where I slightly disagree with Rori…I actually prefer it, when I’m talking, if someone occasionally asks a question about what I’m saying or says, “uh huh”, “really?” or “you’re kidding!”. I dated a guy for a little while who was 100% quiet when we were talking on the phone, and I never knew whether he was really hearing me or doing something else in the background. I feel more heard when I get intermittant reactions from the listener — does that make sense?

    I wrote long distance guy back: “I’m sorry this just isn’t working for me. I wish you the best.” Then I closed out our match on eHarmony and replied to a couple of other guys…

    Denise — I totally get what you’re saying about the challenge of long distance…on the one hand, the person definitely gets a chance to “miss’ you, which I think can be a good thing, but both parties have to be actively involved in keeping the in-person visits going, and I feel like he’s the one who dropped the ball (or the oars, as the case may be) by sorta letting things drift along after our last visit. Up until this point, I didn’t initiate any discussions about ‘us’ or where things were going or any of that serious stuff, but for me, once sex enters the picture, I need the guy to continue to show the same level of interest he did prior to getting physically involved — if he doesn’t, I feel a little used. Granted, this guy was not selfish in bed and I certainly ‘received’ at least as much as I gave, but nevertheless, having sex with someone makes me feel vulnerable and while I know that’s not a bad thing, it seems to make me more sensitive to it when a guy backs off.

    If we hadn’t had sex, I wouldn’t have been exactly pleased that he was withdrawing, but I wouldn’t have focused on it much…if I’m involved physically with someone, he’s the only one I’m sleeping with, so by default, I tend to place him higher on my priority list than the guys I’m not sleeping with.

    I think the lesson I need to learn from this is that I’m the kind of person who needs to wait to have sex with the guy until I feel more sure of him and his intentions. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I can “play it cool” and not need any kind of a committment once sex has occurred, but that’s just not the truth for me.

    I don’t know if I can actually wait until marriage is on the table to have sex with the next guy (I do, after all, have a normal, healthy sex drive) but I’m going to try…I’m definitely going to wait longer than 5 or 6 dates…maybe 10 should be the magic number…maybe 2 months…I’m not sure, I just know that sex, as much as I enjoy it, tends to get me too hung-up on a guy too soon and I think that’s where I’ve been messing up. Oh well, live and learn, right?

    Plus, if I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure if I would have been as interested in long distance guy if he hadn’t been so handsome and so financially well off. I mean, he was very sweet and attentive during our time together and of course I enjoyed that (and he did buy me a Coach purse, lol), but our emotional connection was tenuous…we enjoyed each other’s company and definitely had the physical attraction, but I knew that ours was the kind of relationship that would ‘grow’ instead of ‘explode’ and while I was ok with that, he may not have been.

    In any event, I just want to thank all you sirens for letting me vent my frustrations and feelings on this blog…it’s hard for my married friends to relate to exactly what I’m going through since their dating days are so far behind them and I know you all understand.

    I feel a small sense of loss, but I’m looking forward to my date this weekend with the pilot — we seem to relate on the phone very easily and I can see us having a connection that’s more intimate than the one I had with long distance guy. There are a couple of areas of concern with the pilot, the first one being that he’s not my ‘type’ physically, so I don’t know how that will play out when we meet in person. I’m looking forward to the learning experience of going out with him though — he’s engaging and funny and I believe we’ll have a good time:-)

    I feel empowered by the fact that I identified what behavior or level of attention was acceptable to me and when LD guy wasn’t measuring up, I told him it wasn’t working for me. In the past, I probably would have just swallowed my feelings, engaged in light conversation and still sat there feeling used and not really wanted. Now, unless someone treats me like the prize I am, I’m not going to bother with them.

    I think it’s interesting, though, that about the time I started reading Rori is around the time I started seeing LD guy and while I hadn’t delved into the “feeling messages” yet, I had adopted the ‘receiving’ attitude and this guy gave more to me than any guy I’ve dated in a very long time…buying me flowers, trinkets a purse…I still gave a little more than I wish I would have, but I feel much more clear now on how to ‘receive’ attention and gifts and it feels like I’m attracting more men who are willing to give to me…interesting, isn’t it?

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 6:46am

  175. 175: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    hi Renee,

    I feel interested in what you said about when the right time to have sex is.

    For me, I’ve realized that it really doesn’t matter. Or – better said – there’s no formula of when to have sex that will ensure that the guy doesn’t pull back and leave.

    I’m realizing that it’s all in my vibe… because (I finally understand) that sex to men is just different than it is to us women. So even if I wait 1 year to sleep with him… if I get hung up on him after we sleep together, it may be seen as clingy and cause him to withdrawal. I’m being realistic here too, realizing that we bond emotionally and chemically through sex.

    I’m coming to believe that there’s no ‘right’ time. It makes sense to wait until marriage, because then he is less likely to leave… but with 60% of marriages ending in divorce, that’s not really true either.

    But I’ve also heard of people who have slept together very soon after meeting who have great relationships.

    What’s more important to me than when we have sex is that I super-focused on building a life for myself – outside of my relationship with him – that fulfills me, makes myself feel happy and fills me up with love. I really have come to believe that *that is what it comes down to.

    Yesterday I was reading some of the posts that Rori has filed under marriage, and there were some great nuts and bolts posts about how to transform a marriage. What she wrote about had almost nothing to do with the guy. 99% of it was encouraging the woman to get out there and make herself happy, and “get a life”.

    So anyway, I’m preaching to myself – encouraging myself to continue doing the things I love and building my business… regardless of what a guy is or isn’t doing…

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:46am

  176. 176: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know where the post is about not wanting to be friends with a man after you have dated him/slept with him? I don’t know if it was a newsletter or post on the blog. I absolutely loved the feeling message she gave and I wanted to use it and tweak it for my situation!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:51am

  177. 177: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee, you’re awesome! In my humble opinion, you’re looking at this, learning from this in a healthy way. He came into your life for you to be able to see the Rori stuff real time…I had a similar experience with my learning journey. I was able to learn and apply to my marriage. Made me see why he wasn’t the right man for me and where my immaturity was in that relationship and how I could do better.

    Have a wonderful time this weekend with Pilot!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:54am

  178. 178: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Siena,

    You make a very important point about making sure you’re happy with your own life and building a life you love regardless of a man’s involvement. That’s something I need to work on and am trying to do better, but I have to admit, I really look forward to my emails/calls from all the guys who are pursuing me…I enjoy the attention.

    And as far as waiting to sleep with a guy — I realize there’s no “perfect” time, but I think you lessen the chances of him pulling away if you build a real connection first, full of shared experiences, wonderful discussions and just bonding through the time you spend together. There’s never any guarantee that he won’t withdraw, but I think we make it too easy on them when we fall into bed with them before we’ve really gotten to know them, you know? And then, I think some of them don’t know what to do because they know sex is different for a woman and they figure she’s going to want a committment even if she hasn’t expressed anything to that effect.

    With long distance guy, I was totally feeling at ease the last wknd we spent together and I just don’t see how I could have possibly been giving off the “clingy, needy” vibe…things felt very comfortable and he was treating me like a queen, so I wasn’t worrying at that point about his withdrawing. It wasn’t until I left that his behavior changed, but I didn’t say a word about it — I just tried to share the positive things that were going on in my life (even though it felt a little inauthentic to ignore the changing behavior), so he didn’t feel pressured in any way. But alas, he pulled back anyway and there’s nothing I can do at this point to change it — I can, however, watch my heart more closely in the future and wait until a firmer bond has been established.

    Denise — the pilot has already called once today and is calling again later to firm up our plans for Saturday. Have a great weekend with your date and be sure to let us know how it goes!:-)

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:57am

  179. 179: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    ‘I enjoy the attention’

    Ahhh, don’t we all! :) Part of feeling feminine is to get the resources of men: attention, affection, listening, labor, humor, money Pay attention to this in your life, when a man opens a door for a woman, picks up something she drops, stops at the side of the road to help her, buys dinner, does a chore around the house, gives a hug, etc., it makes us women feel feminine and more passionate about ourselves, more passionate about him, more passionate about life. If men just understood this, everyone would be more happy! We’re not nagging or always being needy, we’re just looking for this from him. That’s why it is soooo important to look at what the man DOES, he’s got the doer energy.

    (And women have to understand part of what makes a man feel masculine is ‘success with women’, and a big part of this is sex. Not sex necessarily with multiple women, buf if he’s in a marriage, his WIFE. Shocking how many women won’t have sex with their husbands :(

    The ‘when to have sex’ conversation is always an interesting one. I do think it’s good to wait a bit, to really get to know him to know if you want to get emotionally involved if that’s how it works for you, ie. have sex and there’s that emotional investment. For those couples that have sex right away and their relationshiop lasts, goes to show you that it’s just NOT sex that men are looking for or that makes up a good relationship.

    Thanks Renee!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:20am

  180. 180: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Diana, Hi – and that depends. If you are both working adults – he pays. And you don’t have to go anywhere that costs anything. If you’re students, you may discuss splitting somehow. Talking is the way to go here…

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:57am

  181. 181: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jenaveeve, Welcome – and thank you so much for your story – and Brava! Love, Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:58am

  182. 182: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tina, Welcome, and thank you so much for your unique logistical situation, and I hope you bring a bit of true feminism to your culture! Just keep doing what you’re doing that feels good. Love, Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:59am

  183. 183: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Christine, Welcome, and the only thing missing here is your TALKING with him about this as you’re going along, letting him know your dating views, etc…and asking him what he thinks. Also – checking your phone for messages when you’re with a man is a no-no. He deserves your undivided attention when he’s with you…otherwise, I don’t think you ost anything — and if he’s interested, he’ll contact you again – meanwhile, keep Circular Dating and keep practicing being warm and open and yet taking total care of yourself. Love, Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 12:04pm

  184. 184: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered….

    I am disappointed to see him single written on fb and orkut….
    He isn’t changing his status nor is asking me to change mine… Though we behave like we are in one relation….
    We talk about future.. we talk about trust.. We talk about love… We give good night kisses….
    We kiss and make out… We meet… He lifts me, whirls me…. We share lunch and food…

    I feel insecure and bad that i keep checking his fb wall and orkut scraps…
    I feel jealous that other girls talk to him as if he is single…. I find it frustrating that he has yet written single as his relationship status….

    I know it’s too soon, but by the pace he’s moving towards me, this shouldn’t have been a major deal…..

    But it feels bad to stick in between… I feel like he’s having the best of both world… He is having me by his side and also chatting with girls as single….

    I am not asking him to change this or say anything to me… Unless he asks me to be committed to him, am single and free to date other guys….

    Am dating other guys unless he asks me to be exclusive with him….

    I want Vishal to come and claim me, and ask me to be exclusive with him…. And actually talk about us, leaving his shyness apart…..

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 12:18pm

  185. 185: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita – remember Rori recommends to NOT be exclusive with a guy until marriage is firmly on the table – you have a RING and a set plan.

    Try to not focus on Vishal and continue to CD… he seems like ‘the one’ right now, but the one is the man who will ask you to marry him with a ring, and that you feel good saying yes to.

    Though if you want, I know you are young, you could be exclusive with this guy to practice being in a relationship. I wouldn’t though… I want to be engaged before I’m exclusive.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 1:56pm

  186. 186: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, thanks for your comment!
    I have been in the situation of living with a man and paying 50% of rent and food so that we both have a lower rent exspense but he was going away on his business trips a few times a year and saying he would be happy to travel with me when I can pay my own way. I was always at home, I want to travel but I am still in process to become financially empowered enough. I cant stand this pattern anymore so I decided I am going to go away as much as the man does (even if its just to visit family). Also I have a goal to take myself away on a vacation or vocation vacation somewhere wonderful and I am going without him!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 2:28pm

  187. 187: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    Am young, and that’s my main concern…

    Am not able to date a lot of guys due to my study and dad (He keeps creating chaos at home whenever am out, he doesn’t likes me to date. He hates love, in fact.)….

    Am afraid that if I stay so long with Vishal being the ONLY guy in my life, I may get hung upon him.. And I don’t want that… He’s the one who’s lucky to have me, and I don’t want this to be turned around any day… It hurts to see him not stepping up and changing his relationship status, at least on fb….

    One part of me is happy to be free, but another one wants him to step up and ask me to commit….

    He pointed surprisingly at my fb info that says I am there for “dating”, I changed that to only “friendship”……. But other than that, he said nothing about commitment….

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 2:28pm

  188. 188: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita – I am not that young anymore and my dad still creates chaos at home when I’m out dating. I have babystepped to understanding that I must put myself first in my life even when it comes to what my dad thinks.

    Honestly, it seems taht you ARE hung up on Vishal, right now. You desire a commitment, but what kind? what kind of commitment – what does this look like to you?… you must TALK to him about this – in a Rori way, and share with him your way of dating and ask him what he thinks?

    you say want him to change status etc… and you want you two to be excluisve? but this will lead to exclusivity and if it’s not moving to marriage then what

    I would love to see you Circular Dating and not pining away to be exclusive with a guy.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 2:35pm

  189. 189: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita,
    I have a similar problem, But I have been living with the guy for over a year and the whole time he insists that he is single. He does agree that we are sexually exsclusive though. When I ask him why he has to be single and if he is looking for someone better for him than me he says he doesnt want me asking him where has he been and who has he been with and those kind of questions. It doesnt work of course, the more he doesnt tell me the more I have to ask. I dont see him dating but he does things that cause me doubt like long phone calls to a woman in a language I dont understand, going out of zone (for cell and computer) for the weekend and packing viagra and condoms on his bussiness trips. He says he sells the viagra(not viagra but a similar pill) to friends and the condoms he can use to pee in if he has too. I want to beleive him because I have feelings for him but I sometimes cry over these things.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 2:44pm

  190. 190: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon #134 – I have been working on myself around understanding forgiveness and compassion for several years – it seems I have been in my head and thinking forgiveness is forgiving someone else and compassion is to focus on the other as well. I am finally migrating to where I feel these experiences belong – heart and soul. I feel forgiving of myself and I feel compassion while in the shared energy experience with another. Let me try to describe this:

    I feel forgiving for myself: in my head and body, I may be angry that an experience made me angry. I forgive myself – I honour and acknowledge I have the sensation and emotional experience of anger happening in my body right now. It is OK to feel those feelings, it is OK to let them flow through my body, it helps me feel alive, I love my feeling of anger. I love myself, I forgive myself.

    Compassion: lets say someone is very upset and sitting in my living room expressing their angst. I look into their eyes and ask them to tell me what is going on with them, how big is the feeling, how deeply does it hurt, and that I want to be beside them and know that I am holding their hand as they go through this very difficult experience. In this way, I feel compassion – through their intensity, I can experience and feel some sensations that are similar, but these are mine, and theirs are theirs. I do not take ownership of their emotions, I only “hold their hand” figuratively, as they work their way through it. As I do this, I am living again some of my experiences, and I have compassion for myself, and I forgive myself over and over. In this way, I can stay whole and safe and provide a safe place for my friend/whoever to share in their experience.
    I have struggled with this for a long long time. I am not so sure I have explained it so well – but basically the forgiveness and compassion is something I must feel for myself, and in doing that, I can convey compassion for someone else. I now see it as the same as I must love myself first and then I am ready to give and receive love from someone else.

    Oh and here is a little tidbit that will keep you safe around giving advice: advice can only be given with permission. Just like on here, you asked for advice, and the advice I have provided is only in this line – the rest is a description or interpretation of my experience.

    After thinking all this through – I think Rori explained it better than my long winded attempt – LOL!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 2:47pm

  191. 191: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    lovely lady –
    I don’t think it is possible for a man to pee in a condom unless they are built differently than the last time I was playing with a guy and we were trying quite unsuccessfully to get a condom on a semi-hard Mr Stiffy. And it is quite difficult, and takes a great deal of concentration for them to take a pee when they are hard, so the pee in a condom is a really dumb story. When a guy needs to pee, be it on a golf course, driving down a highway, walking by a park – they have a rather miraculous ability to dip behind a tree and take advantage of nature. Your man is messing around. No doubt about it.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 3:11pm

  192. 192: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely Lady- my not may seem quite direct and harsh – my appologies – I feel badly about being blunt and harsh. I get the sense that you care deeply for this man. I would not know what to do and believe you have something that needs discussion with him. As we say in the far north “there is a dead whale in the living room”

    what do you think?

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 3:16pm

  193. 193: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siena re #175 I totally agree, the key is to make sure focus is on my own life (& enhancing it best way/s I can, so’s I FEEL GOOD about me); and to not ‘lose’ my energy by focussing on what’s happening (or not happening! lol!) with my/a guy.. accepting the moment & ‘what is’ so that things can unfold (or not), because now they’re given the space… because the ‘pressure’ (that always comes across as negative) is taken away…

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 4:33pm

  194. 194: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    Just after I was on this blog posting my question, I went back as Vishal called, and in the meanwhile he mentioned that we are now bf-gf and committed… I thanked him for informing me.. lolz…:D

    But then it doesn’t matters much to me coz you’ve a really really solid point…. Exclusivity is a trap, after all….. Even if I manage to get exclusivity, it doesn’t guarantees a marriage proposal…..

    Though right now I can’t marry, still when we aren’t engaged, i would love to CD for sure……

    Coz his bf-gf and commitment theory doesn’t gives a direct proposal… i want a direct proposal of marriage from him…. And so it feels better to CD…..

    Yayyyy… Am still gonna date others……

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 5:24pm

  195. 195: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely lady

    Can you see some RED FLAGS with your live-in guy????

    He insists he’s single when you are living-in..!!???

    You just ask is he looking for someone better and he comes up with an issue of his own… WTF..!! I mean, you are living with him, you can question him, when you feel bad or unsafe…

    Then again, peeing in condom….!!?? Confused at this, but whatever be the case, i personally feel like he’s taking you for granted….
    If possible, please move out if you can….. This guy just doesn’t seems nice…..

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 5:29pm

  196. 196: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Whew! I have been reading all the posts on my phone for two days (while waiting as my kids rode rollercoasters, etc.!) but it is hard to post from my phone so I’ve waited til now. . .

    Brenda, yes I did hear back from four hour man:

    Hi Lucy, Thanks for the note and the clarification on your thoughts and words. You are such a good communicator! Once it was apparent that the distance was too far for a quick trip and back I actually thought any relationship would be out of the question. I actually was in a long distance relationship with someone from Maryland and she was 3 hours away. We had known each other from childhood and re-met at a class reunion. I felt we had a inherent advantage because we knew each other. You and I don’t really know each other. It feels like we have a great rapport and I can easily write and communicate with you and that is refreshing. Hands on experience is what I desire as well and that takes time places to do things together. Maybe we could meet halfway to see if we have any personal chemistry??
    I thought it would be nice to talk on the phone and maybe if you would like that could b e a next step. It would be nice to hear your voice. What do you think? Then maybe we could collaborate on what to do.
    Hope you had fun @ [amusement park] and get back to me when you can.
    T
    p.s. I thought it was 1 if by land and 2 if by sea….

    ……………

    So, that’s what he wrote, and I don’t know yet how I will respond. I’m not sure exactly what it is that he wants, but I suppose that’s not my problem, right? The question should be, how do I feel — and then communicate that to him…?

    Hmmm. I feel…

    happy that he called me a good communicator

    curious about his experience with the woman from MD

    happy that he feels it is “refreshing” writing to me

    yucky about meeting halfway (I would rather take the train all the way there than drive two hours — or, of course, have him come here)

    nervous about talking on the phone — I just do not like the phone!!!!!

    amused and happy that he made a joke in his p.s. in reference to my p.s.

    dubious about this going anywhere

    glad that I am practicing intimacy with this guy

    annoyed at myself (and him!) for getting this thing to a point that feels like the two of us are standing at a deadend looking at each other saying “what now?”

    willing to continue practicing for the sake of practice

    tempted to take the easy way out and just shut down/close off

    excited that this still feels like progress for me, like part of a breakthrough that I need to see all the way through (whatever that means!)

    So, those are my feelings. Just that exercise of discovering and writing my REAL feelings around this feels like wonderful baby steps in the right direction! Normally I would’ve just said, “Nah, forget this” and then just ignored him or given some little half-truth to shut the whole thing down. I feel embarrassed admitting that! I feel thankful for this opportunity to grow in my intimacy skills.

    My CD guys definitely come in groups/phases. For example, there was a phase with only guys I felt no attraction for. At another point there was a group of 20-somethings. Another phase was attractive guys who definitely were not good marriage material. This guy — four hour man — is part of my current group which is guys I feel some degree of attraction for who are actually potentially GREAT marriage material. Yay!!! I LIKE this group!!! The only downside is that now it’s getting a little more scary — because I actually want them to like me back! (Prior to this, the only guy I cared about liking me back was TN man.)

    I feel open to any thoughts Sirens may have about formulating a reply to Four Hour Man.

    Oh, and Siena — I have a great story to tell about those 20 somethings you mentioned! Stay tuned… hehe. :)

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 6:45pm

  197. 197: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Did I mention I hate talking on the phone???? I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE!!!! Just finished my first phone convo (45 minutes!!) with garden guy, and my arm hurts, my brain hurts, and I feel positively DRAINED from concentrating so darn hard!!! I have to concentrate SO HARD to hear fuzzy words with no visuals. And I have to concentrate SO HARD to stay focused when my physical environment and what I am listening to have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER!!! It is too hard. Ow. I feel pain in my arm. I feel sad about having a phone issue. I feel sad and kinda mad at myself for the parts of the convo where I “failed” with the “tools.” How do you stay in your feelings when he is ASKING about things in your HEAD???

    He is so excited about connecting with me. He wants to talk to me on the phone again tomorrow. We are planning to meet Sunday afternoon. I feel scared, because he has really built me up in his head!! I feel scared that he will be disappointed when we meet in person. He seems to be an intense communicator and after that phone convo I feel tired just *thinking* about spending time with him! My biggest fear is that he will be disappointed with how I look. He went on and on about how good I look in my pics. But I don’t look as good in person. I have some really good pics that captured a sparkle that’s like one teeny tiny frame of a film. I look that good for a split second once in awhile, that’s all! The rest of the time … well, let’s just say he might be surprised. Plus, the pics of course are from a good angle — they don’t show how big my nose is, or my sagging chin/neck.

    I felt surprised on my date with the Argentinian a week or so ago — about an hour into it (and after a couple drinks had me pretty relaxed), he suddenly said, with passion, “You are so pretty. You look just like your pictures.” I felt surprised at the moment, and also became aware that HE was drawing out that “sparkle” in me. I was FEELING admired and cherished and attended to, and that made me sparkle and look as good as my pictures — at least in his eyes.

    I wish I didn’t feel scared about how garden guy will feel about my looks. :( I think I feel guilty or something, like he’s going to think I purposely tricked him. Which I guess I DID, didn’t I? I wouldn’t feel so bad if he hadn’t made such a big deal on the phone about how good I look. Each time he said it, I responded with, “Thank you, that feels good to hear” — but it didn’t just feel good, it also felt scary, and I kept having to resist the impulse to say, “Thank you, but I don’t look that good in person.” But SHOULD I have resisted that impulse, or should I have warned him???? Btw, this isn’t about my self-esteem or anything like that — it’s just about “truth in advertising.” I feel confused and scared.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:34pm

  198. 198: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I find that people actually see that “tiny sparkle” EVEN BETTER in person. It glints over and over again, so it looks like you’re sparkling!

    I too of course pose with my good side etc, and in person at first I would feel afraid similarly, till somehow I decided that I look even better in person…

    because I watch other people I’m attracted to, and they might not look good all the time, but that one sparkle just takes over in person… it’s like my eye is always seeing THAT the beauty about them,

    and that happens for me too!

    so you will have EVEN MORE of that sparkle, because it will sparkle gling and glimmer every split second

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:45pm

  199. 199: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Also something I might have said was wow< i feel super flattered, and actually im feeling a lil insecure now, i pick the best pictures of me, and i'm feeling unsure of whether I will look as good in person…

    I've said that to men before and I was able to connect and talk about it

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 8:47pm

  200. 200: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, thank you so much — I felt so beautiful and sparkly reading that! I felt mesmerized by it!

    I also felt sad, because I realized part of the problem is coming from an NV from my mom. She doesn’t see that sparkle when she looks at me — she saw it ONE TIME, one split second, of my whole life. It was about three years ago. It startled and awed her. She actually gasped. She had never seen it before. Or since.

    Men I meet will see me sparkle. Yes, they will. Garden Guy will see me sparkle on Sunday.

    I feel afraid to say what you suggested in #199 because of it putting that notion in the guy’s head — Now I’m contradicting myself, lol — like, if he expects me to look as good as my pictures, he will SEE me that way, but if I tell him I feel insecure and unsure, etc. then he might see me and say, “Oh yeah, she’s right, she looks better in her pics.” So on one hand, I don’t want to put the idea in his head and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to feel embarrassed and scared when he meets me. What do you think?

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 9:11pm

  201. 201: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I vote for you. Remember that showing our insecure and even ‘ugly’ parts will make us feel more whole and attract a man. I remember clearly when Rori said that only a confident woman will be able to say ” I feel insecure”

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 9:17pm

  202. 202: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I read a guy’s profile once that said, “…. And please look like your pictures!!!” I felt angry at that. I felt bad for the women he must have met who didn’t live up to his expectation of them based on their pics. But, really, anyone who has a little bit of experience with online dating knows you have to take the pics lightly. Which I guess is why it bothered me that garden guy didn’t seem to be doing that.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 9:18pm

  203. 203: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for voting for me, Daria. That feels good and made me smile. :)

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 9:22pm

  204. 204: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    That’s terrific that 4 hour man responded so positively! Good job with your feeling message!

    I am going to limit my comments on this blog from here on out. I don’t feel emotionally safe anymore. So I will probably just limit my comments to things that are sure to be along the lines of all Rori recommends. My emotional damage is just too much for people to handle here. Thank you, because most of you have been extremely loving and supportive. But I just can’t handle opening myself up to more pain.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:25pm

  205. 205: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy

    I would feel irritated, him saying how beautiful you are and he hasn’t even met you in person yet?! I’ve talked to men like that on line, I find it irritating–inauthentic.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:30pm

  206. 206: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m done being single, and I’m also done opening myself up for more pain. I am way past my pain threshhold.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:31pm

  207. 207: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    ‘I read a guy’s profile once that said, “…. And please look like your pictures!!!” I felt angry at that. I felt bad for the women he must have met who didn’t live up to his expectation of them based on their pics.’

    I don’t think this is the case…I think men look at a picture and think the person will look SIMILAR in person. Yes, there is a general expectation of thinking someone will look similar to their picure.

    From what I’ve heard from men, many women post pictures of themselves that are old or don’t show their whole body.

    I had a a circumstance once where I went through a lot of schedule contortions to meet someone I met on line–we had a great phone relationship. When I met him in person, I’m thinking, “WTF, his picture is about 20 years old”, I was really aggravated. I now knew how men felt when they met woman who didn’t describe themselves truthfully or didn’t provide the whole ‘picture’.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:38pm

  208. 208: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, then just BE for now…just be you and the wonderful, caring woman you are. BE in the moment.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:39pm

  209. 209: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Renee, went out on my date, and had a great evening. I’m not sure he’s ‘the One”, but I would see him again. And on and on it goes :)

    I’m on vacation for a week and half, so I’ll miss catching up with all you lovely ladies. Carry on!

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:41pm

  210. 210: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, were there recent comments here that made you feel more unsafe? I’m finding that there are some comments in my inbox that are not on the blog and vice versa. I feel so confused! Have some comments been removed from the blog?

    You know I love you and feel protective of you, my friend! I believe in you. <3

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:44pm

  211. 211: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Denise. Re: “I would feel irritated, him saying how beautiful you are and he hasn’t even met you in person yet?! I’ve talked to men like that on line, I find it irritating–inauthentic.”

    It wasn’t like that at all. It was quite authentic and not irritating. I have experienced what you describe many times with men online, but this was not one of those times.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:52pm

  212. 212: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I usually feel flattered when men compliment my looks based on my online pictures.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:55pm

  213. 213: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I think men look at a picture and think the person will look SIMILAR in person.”

    “I would feel irritated, him saying how beautiful you are and he hasn’t even met you in person yet?!”

    Well, if he expects me to look similar to my pictures, and I look beautiful in my pictures, then it makes perfect sense to say I am beautiful even before he has met me. :)

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:57pm

  214. 214: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I now knew how men felt when they met woman who didn’t describe themselves truthfully or didn’t provide the whole ‘picture’.”

    “many women post pictures of themselves that … don’t show their whole body.”

    I feel really weird reading this.

    “Describe themselves truthfully . . . provide the whole picture” — So much of a person’s appearance is subjective and/or relative. Even the “body type” thing is subjective and relative. “Average” means different things to different people. What is “truth”? Many men when they meet me tell me I look ten years younger than I am and can’t believe I am my age. That is true for THEM. I have fat thighs, a sagging butt, great calves, a funky toenail, thin skin, short stubby fingers, rolls around my middle, small but gorgeous breasts, gray roots between colorings, a big nose with some stubborn blackheads, small lips, a pretty smile, mismatched ears, and a sexy scar from my belly button to my pubic bone. That is describing myself truthfully, and it’s close to “the whole picture.” But I am NOT going to write that on my profile!

    As far as not showing their whole body– If it’s not shown, it’s not shown, and there should be no problem with expectations or accusations of “false advertising.” If a man assumes or imagines that a woman’s body looks a certain way when there was no full-body pic, then that’s HIS fault, not hers; he ought to be aggravated with HIMSELF in that case.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:23pm

  215. 215: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow I think that would be a tight profile Lucy. i really like that body poem

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 3:21am

  216. 216: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy, I’m referring to subtle things. I have ALWAYS been told I look better in person than in my pictures, they are pleasantly surprised and excited actually. I am not photogenic. But I have NEVER been told I don’t look anything like my picture.

    The great thing about men is they don’t focus on all those individual things that you listed. They look at the person as a whole. A woman could be universally regarded as being ‘beautiful’, but she’s not attractive to HIM. That’s not what I’m talking about.

    I do have a real issue, and many men do, when the woman doesn’t have a full picture, has a picture posted that’s 100 lbs lighter for example or describes herself as AVERAGE and she’s quite heavier than that. I also had a man say he was shocked when he went to meet a woman who was in a wheelchair. He didn’t have any problem with her being in a wheelchair, but he did feel kindof stupid walking in because he had a reaction, he didn’t want her to feel badly and he felt like he was duped. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t mention it. I agree with him. I look at profiles and the man says he’s 49 (they are all 49 :), and the picture indicates he’s either lying or looking very old for his age–both are turnoffs.

    I know of someone who is separated from her husband and puts divorced on her Match profile. She says she works out 3-4 times a week, I know her, she does not exercise. Now one can have excuses for those–she’s going to be getting divorced eventually, they don’t live together. She is out and about shopping and going out and eating two ice creams before a big dinner, so that’s working out. But come on, there has to be a minimum level of understanding when simply looking at words on a screen.

    You’re right, this is the chance we all take when meeting someone from on line. I had a circumstance as I described where I was in that situation–it was obvious the picture he had posted was about 20 years old. That’s irritating in my book.

    I had the best call yesterday with a relatively new friend. She hadn’t had a ‘decent’ man in her life (her word) in 8 years. She did on line dating for 5 of those years, met many men. She eventually had enough, she came out of those five years with nothing. She deleted her account on Match. Two weeks later a friend fixed her up with a man and they look soooo happy, she is deliriously happy and I couldn’t be happier for her. We both agreed that closing that chapter sent the universe a message, and so the universe sent her a message back. How magical! On line dating is ONE method of meeting people, but to rely on that solely I think, in my opinion, is a mistake.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 8:16am

  217. 217: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I always make a point to say I’m a big, beautiful woman or a queen-sized lady who likes to be treated like a queen. I don’t want to meet a man and have him shocked. That would feel terrible!

    I post an array of pics and have their dates with the pics, so that way they can see what I looked like when I was slender, yet I’m not misrepresenting myself. I want them to know how I’m going to look next year! :-) Size 12, here I come!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 9:13am

  218. 218: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel icky little bursts of adrenaline going through my arms and chest. I feel judgmental. I feel annoyed and kinda angry. I feel like I am looking in a mirror of my past self.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 9:38am

  219. 219: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Why?

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 10:02am

  220. 220: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — working through a trigger. Thanks for asking. :)

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 10:04am

  221. 221: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I need some help! One of the guys in my rotation and I were having a talk and I asked him what he was after. Was he even open to a relationship or did he just want to date forever. He asked to let him think about it and here is his reply:

    Good morning, well I have been thinking and I agree. We never really talked about what’s going on, etc. And I assume since I didn’t hear from you yesterday after I text you in the am you are having a tough time with this. It’s prob for the best if we cancel tonight. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt because I really do value you as a friend. I am undecided as to what I want. While I’m not dating anyone else, I’m not ready to say that I won’t yet. I hope you understand and I don’t sound like a complete ass.

    Hope you have a good day and stay in touch! Who know’s where we go from here?

    I am totally confused lol. I never recieved a text from him, and I wasn’t asking about a relationship with me per say, just in general is he open. I have no idea how to respond, if I should respond, or if I should keep him in my rotation… help!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 11:14am

  222. 222: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I’d be as honest as possible…. ” I never received a text from you in the am.” ….along with any feelings….but no thoughts :)

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 11:35am

  223. 223: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    One of longest friends conveyed a story of a date he had where the girl kept asking what he wanted, what he was looking for……etc. He became exasperated as he was telling me the story …..his feelings were “I don’t know what I want, why don’t we spend some time together just spending time and I’ll figure it out!!!!!!”

    But I know my friend and he wants marriage…..but she was giving him multiple choice answers and he was frustrated. They just started dating and he wasn’t seeing anyone else at the time but he didn’t want to see her because she was “stressing him”. He didn’t know what he wanted with her….yet. Besides digging for answers that way doesn’t leave room for surprises.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 11:43am

  224. 224: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve thought about the not leaving room for surprises, but I have also been in imaginary relationships and I’d take authentic over surprises anyday!

    If a man cannot answer the question are you open to a relationship – not with me but with anyone – then is it wrong to assume he’s not?

    Btw – we started talking daily in Mar and started dating in May – if that makes a diff.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:07pm

  225. 225: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I have decided not to ask men what they are looking for – it might be an age thing. No, my intuitive feeling side is informing me that it is too “past” oriented. My experience is that men seem to be able to live in the moment much easier than me. When I ask a man what are you looking for – their reference point seems to be their ex-wife and the split is typically acrimonious (although many men will deny that) so by asking the question that way, I have put them directly into relationship with their ex – and they go there with all the negative feelings – yuck!. Then there is a sudden and dramatic drop in positive energy in our date. I feel that loss of energy. The loss then sucks energy out of me and we end up on an unhappy path that is very difficult to get off. I am now experimenting with questions like:
    - tell me about some of your hopes for the future, for you, your kids, your family, whatever seems to fit
    - tell me about some of the things you dream of doing one day – like what is on your personal bucket list?
    - sometimes when I tell a guy that I went to China to bring home my daughter, they will tell me China is on their bucket list – this is a fantastic opening! Once they are thinking bucket list, I can ask when they created it, what lead to creating it, what was the first thing they ticked-off on the list, what else etc.
    So far, results have been wonderful. The date has stayed in positive energy and it is easier for me to see if there is a potential fit with me and helps them see it in an unconcious way as well. The other thing about a bucket list that I came to realize a little while ago, is that it has taken the “I am an intimidating female” and set it aside. This is really important for me as I seem to have had this effect on men and it really really hurts when they tell me I am intimidating.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:18pm

  226. 226: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    This is a great post – thanks Rori for expanding again how CD-ing works. I’ve been practising CD-ing, but am going to need to really get the hang of it now.

    I’ve been away from the site, as have been away a lot without easy internet. My husband and I have just decided to separate, and get divorced – but it was me that said I couldn’t continue any longer, and I will be the one to file for divorce. I think I got to Rori’s tools too late to save this one – I reached a stage of not even wanting to save it. Toxic Men has really helped me identify what I was dealing with – off-the scale toxic, as it happens – and also how I was the perfect fit for that toxicity!! So now we’re still in the same house at weekends – ghastly, strained and horribly polite – until we figure out who moves out fully. He says the divorce isn’t what he wants, and it isn’t his fault, and there is nothing to change as he is doing nothing wrong. However, he is already joining online dating sites and contacting women because he wants to find someone else. It tells me how far I’ve come that I’m not even bothered by this. Glad he’s thinking of finding a new start, though scarily too soon!!!

    Since making the decision to leave, I feel such a huge amount of relief I can hardly believe how much, along with deep sadness for the loss of the dreams and hopes that we can still save it, and quite a lot of anger, and some real determination to get out and get everything settled as soon as possible. And scared. And some days I feel strong and positive and happy, and look forward to a new start for myself, and who knows, maybe even a new partner sometime in the future. I feel very positive about my emotional future, but I want to take things more slowly than him.

    So for now, it’s just going to be circular dating for me, all day, every day, while I get through the break-up, finances, lawyers and who knows what else, to learn and practice the tools. I’ve started going to Salsa class, and practice leaning back, eye contact etc. I watch many women in the class grab at the men for dances during the social dancing sections. But I’m guessing that leaning back means just leaning back and being inviting, even if I don’t get as much practice at new dances. Also learning to follow the man, literally, is difficult when they aren’t giving a strong lead. But I’m practising NOT offering help, advice or a lead myself (this is the new me). I’m going to practice CD-ing so much, everywhere.

    Thanks to all the lovely Sirens who were offering so much understanding and support about a month ago when I was caught up in absolute desperation and confusion of not quite knowing which way to go. The break-through came when I voiced to a few trusted people in my life the words, “I feel like my marriage is breaking down,” and it was the absolute authentic truth. And then, with their support, voiced it to my husband. And everything just flowed from there.

    I have strange question though. Do I go on expressing my authentic feelings, being vulnerable, asking “what do you think?” not leaning forward physically or conversationally, using all the tools, with my now-separating husband? And while we still share the same living space some of the time – I can’t just avoid him. I feel quite shut down from him. I found that using tools before we decided, seemed to work sometimes, but other times had very weird results, with him using my feelings against me – and I don’t want to invite more of that.

    He also keeps suggesting scenarios where although we divorce, it is not a clean break. Like- we could still live on together in the same house (he doesn’t want to lose the house, but it will have to be sold), or like the settlement could involve him investing in my little business. These are not ‘clean break’ scenarios, and would allow him to go on being controlling and criticising, so out of the question. NO WAY is he going to stay domestically or financially involved with me. Is saying ‘I don’t feel comfortable with this’ going to be enough?? I feel I will need some boy energy to get out of this safely and fairly and with as little acrimony as possible.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:21pm

  227. 227: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Lorelei – congratulations on the new you! And I feel so sad you are on a path that includes such pain.
    Major trigger in your note, for me – “could involve him investing in my little business” – my entire body wants to jump through the cyber-waves and grab you by the hands NO NO NO!!! Every fear cell in every muscle of my body has jumped to extreme attention. The brigade of centurians that live in my head have picked up their arms, mounted their horses, doned their armour and raced to the line with all flags rigid and with sabers poised for full on attack. And everyone living in my body, soul, heart, and head, are all screaming at the top of their lungs – NO! DO NOT EVER UNDER EVEN THE MOST DIRE OF CIRCUMSTANCES – LIFE OR DEATH…..EVER TAKE MONEY OR GIVE SHARES OF YOUR BUSINESS TO YOUR HUSBAND.

    Ok, phew, I can rest now. Calm, breathe, breathe right into my belly button, relax those arms, release all that fear and pain…..breathe and let the panic just move right through me. I love my fear it helps keep me balanced…I can stay with it…

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:33pm

  228. 228: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Sherry

    the time isn’t making a difference to me. “don’t ask the innocent question”. It feigns innocence to say we aren’t invested in his response. If you were in court I’d say you were leading the witness with your questioning. Maybe you started sleeping with him? If not, who cares? What have you learned about yourself having him in your rotation? That your a fun girl? Pleasant company? Delightful lady???

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:37pm

  229. 229: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie the bucket list idea is good! All of this stems from my fears. I know this. I don’t ever want to be where I was again. It has been a long hard road for me to be able to even date again. I have no problem getting dates or being the fun attractive want to go out with me again date. I am having problems moving from the superficial to anything real. I suck at feeling messages! I liked this one and decided to see if it would be worth opening up more to him by asking that question. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do or maybe I got the answer I needed. Just not sure how to interpret it.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:39pm

  230. 230: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    I feel sad about your divorce path. Maybe your husband still loved you when you filed and he is adapting by dating. It sounds like he want any excuse to hang on. Have you ever considered letting rori’s tools work a little longer and maybe even reading fascinating womanhood? Some of it seems to flesh out the way Rori explains things….

    But I feel supportive of you and your heart either way :)

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 12:48pm

  231. 231: Marissa,No Gravatar says:

    Hello Ladies,
    I would appreciate it very much If you could give me some advice.

    I have been seeing my ex boyfriend lately, he says he is afraid and not ready for commitment but yet when were together he would start kissing and touching and wanted to sleep with me. I told him I am not sleeping with him, that I would only do that in a committed relationship. I told him I don’t do booty call. I am in love with him and I am always tempted to give in, but I know I would dislike myself later.
    Today I sent him a text saying I am feeling sad and confused and feeling sick to my stomach, that was how I was feeling when I woke up. He responded, “why am I sad and confuse”. I don’t know how to respond without sounding accusing, desperate or needy.I’m confuse that he does not want to commit but yet expect to sleep with me.

    I would really appreciate your advice and Thank You.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:00pm

  232. 232: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Sherry,

    how could you have opened up about liking him without asking a question. My experience is men have very short memories so I’d feel terrible if my comments seem like fault finding :(

    I’d like to see you get really soft and open up … Start here..at least for practice.

    I feel pouty at the prospect of you not asking me out again. I feel happy getting your invitations :) I feel so vibrant in your presence. I feel disappointed that I missed this mystery text message. I feel so curious to know what you sent.
    Etc. Etc. Etc. I feel good just spending time with you.

    I feel pouty that a stupid cell phone can cause so much confusion between people. I had a cell phone/text issue last night! My sweetie was trying to surprise me and pick me up from work-but I never got the message and he drove so far-I had already left; we were both feeling angry and it was do hard not to blame. So I feel major poutyness about this missed morning text!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:03pm

  233. 233: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lizzie – thanks – and thank for your reaction, which was the same as my lawyer’s!!! No, way, José! It has to be a clean break, financially.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:35pm

  234. 234: MermaidNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I agree with you, I’ve stopped asking men what they are looking for. I’m experimenting with my response when they ask me instead.

    I could use some help ladies! I was supposed to have a date tonight with cd#1, but he cancelled yesterday saying he has to work. I used some feeling messages with him last weekend about my bad feelings that he hadn’t followed up with me. This week, I feel him pulling away slightly and now he cancelled our Sat. date. When he cancelled Friday, I texted him that I felt confused and weird and was there anything else. He texted me back that now he was confused, ugh. He explained the situation a bit further (though I’m still feeling confused I did feel better) and I texted him back thanking him for listening and that I felt better.

    But, today, I haven’t heard from him all day…… I’m unsure if I just lean back and if he goes away, he goes away or if I should use a power speech??

    Either way, I feel rejected and yucky!!!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:40pm

  235. 235: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita your comment didn’t feel like finding fault at all! It was not an innocent question lol. I asked wanting to know if he was someone I could have a relationship with. From his response I feel like the answer is no. So I feel like I should just cut him and walk away. But, I am trying to be open and am thinking about the message. I get the mirror lol trust me! Just thinking out loud and asking for opinions. I appreciate all of them! I like your feeling messages. I don’t know why I find them so difficult!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:42pm

  236. 236: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nikita – thanks for your response. I did work with Rori’s tools for a while, and I know how well her tools work in other situations, and with other men. I reached the point of no longer wanting to save this – which made the difference. Somehow it seemed too late for this one, or he was already wanting out as well, or something. And I feel a great amount of peace and relief now, along with the sadness.

    I’m back on my intuitive/emotional horse, just sitting feeling exhausted in the saddle – and letting the horse carry me to safety and the future, and to people who support, cherish, and like me. I feel I’m escaping from what felt like being undermined, criticised and controlled far too much of the time. I just couldn’t be myself. There is a lot of pain to get through – and I literally don’t know yet what I will do, or where I will live, but feel I trust the horse to show the way.

    I really like the sound of Fascinating Womanhood – who is it by, or is it online?

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:48pm

  237. 237: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    yes, Lorelei – I had given my then husband shares of my company 7 years before we divorced – it was the best tax decision. And the worst …..
    I ended up insolvent for 7 years as he emptied every bank account and line of credit and I had no recourse… there I was, no ability to buy groceries with two kids to feed….. I took the high road the entire process and kept in mind, the whole time, money is a renewable resource.
    Whatever you pay to get out of your marriage, is worth it. For me it is now 7 years later, and at the end of this fall, I will have cleared all the debt, and my kids and I are happy well adjusted people. (or that is what I think – evil laugh here…)

    As a fellow-business woman, I will share that there are times I go to bed wondering if I will be able to pay the rent or buy groceries, or pay the swim fees the next day. Somehow it comes together. It might not look like anything close to what I had hoped or planned, yet the resourcefullness, inginuity, and courage are there to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. I have bought groceries on airmiles points! And I am proud to be able to tell the tale! I wish with all my heart that all go well with you – and yes, I think you will need to to stay in boy energy to manage a lot of this; just don’t loose touch with that incredibly important feminine energy with CDing with the right kind of people who will think you are fabulous.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 1:57pm

  238. 238: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh mermaid I feel so yucky about the non-date date. I don’t feel I can add much value without knowing a little more:
    - do you know what kind of work he does? Is it normal that work pressures will on the occasion or regularly cause a date to be cancelled?
    - how long in advance might he know he needs to re-schedule?
    - can you remember what the feeling message was that seems to have caused him to become confused? – I hate email date setting myself it seems to create confusion when there is no need…
    - did he say ” I am sorry, I need to re-schedule?”
    - what do you mean by – he hasn’t followed-up with me today…did he indicate he would?

    right now, it feels messy for me, a nurtural messy.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 2:50pm

  239. 239: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Mermaid, I would lean back, because obviously that’s what he’s doing. He’ll never pick up those oars unless you drop them completely.

    Good luck!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 3:33pm

  240. 240: lmNo Gravatar says:

    mermaid,

    i agree with renee. drop the relationship ball and see if he picks it up.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 3:56pm

  241. 241: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mermaid, i agree, maybe let him step forward if he chooses. since you’ve explained the disappointment of cancelling, it would seem up to him to find a good time to re-schedule. If he’s ‘upset’ that you said you were disappointed re cancelling maybe he not the understanding-type guy you looking for…?? so either way, you’re the winner :-) ??
    And can anyone help/suggest something with where I am right now: {angsting again, as usual, even tho my CD’ing would tell me ‘not to worry/care’!!! aagghh}…. – Guy 1: Ian, a Social Worker {was a relationship counsellor!!!} & previously a Teacher, the guy i’m ‘leaning back’ from & now doing {lots of!!!} ‘Active CD’!! lol!!!, cos he said all along ‘i don’t want a relationship’ – He is not a ‘player’ more just wanting to Avoid all the ‘Angst’ that [He Reckons] Inevitably Emerges in ‘a relationship’ plus the ‘having to compromise TRUE SELF “to make relship work” ‘ [that He Believes Has to Happen & he Doesn't Want]…..I Know I was Stupid for ‘getting involved’ {without beating myself up!!! lol!}, but I did it with my eyes open cos I felt ‘so connected’ to him already & just ‘really like’ him, … I have found it hard of recent years to find anyone who ‘interests’ me… (I’m 54, twice divorced & If I Choose the Wrong Guy Again I’ll be Dead {literally}… errr that’s my Fear :-( … ) Ian has now ‘stepped up’ (in his baby steps!!) by initiating contact with me recently, 2 x !! Amazing!! {for him}!!! :-) due to me Simply Stopping (& doing CD alot)…
    However, Guy 2: I just met Greg (a teacher), yesterday for coffee, & I Am Interested…!!! Yayy!!! :-) & he’s V Interested too… (of course! lol!! :-))
    Question 1: How do I Keep my Boundaries (re the ‘speed’ of the relationship [he's def open to one, but also wants to 'go slow' cos of the 'pitfalls of speed']).. eg I don’t particularly Need to ‘chat’ to him during week on ph (txt fine for me till I see him next w/e), but I just Agreed to it!!!… What the…!?!!?
    I am way too flexible, going with what’s suggested, even if it ‘feels not quite right’ for me… & have trouble ‘speaking up’ to state my need (if I feel that I Should Be Happy with what’s been suggested [because other people would?? eg be fine/wanting a phone call])…. & so I feel (he’ll think I’m) Weird, asking for/wanting something Different… Is that Weird???….
    Question 2: I also have this fear that I will ‘push him away’/’reject’ him if I feel like he’s ‘too easy’…. I think I ‘fell’ for Ian cos he was/IS so ‘unavailable’ (emotionally, as well as with his time/letting me into his life etc etc)… I REALLY don’t Want To Do/Feel this with Greg… he is Def a ‘keeper’ (thus far I can tell {intuitively} he’s IS one of the ‘good guys’ & I don’t want to ‘stuff if up’)….
    Can anyone help, please…?? (i know i sound a bit desperate, but would really appreciate some objective feed back)…
    Any suggestions/ideas would be most appreciated..
    PS it’s 11.15 am, Sunday, in Melbourne (i don’t sit up all nite! lol!! :-))…

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 6:18pm

  242. 242: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lucy, I just saw your post about phone conversations with guys (in your instance one you’d not met yet)… & feeling that I feel the same… just sometimes is hard on phone (not seeing their response to comments etc & the uncertainty that can bring up)??
    Please let me know how your garden guy meet turns out… I’m sure that whatever happens with him will be beneficial for you (eg all the ‘practice’ rori on about lol!! :-))… Worst case scenario he ‘thinks you “not as gr8 as photo” “…. So what? If his preference is not You, then Your Preference is Not Him… Unless he Appreciates the You-ness of You, he’s not the Quality Guy you lookin for???
    Hope it all goes well anyways – Maybe You Won’t Like the “Look” of Him, when you Meet Him??? lol!!

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 6:30pm

  243. 243: MermaidNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies for your responses! It really is so helpful to have people who understand, all of my girlfriends are married.

    I have in the past been the girl who was “cool” with everything and usually ended up hurt or with nothing because I haven’t had the courage to voice my needs.

    I have been working on CDing and using my feeling messages even when my feelings aren’t positive. But it is not natural for me yet.

    I feel overwhelmed
    I feel rejected
    I feel angry

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 6:42pm

  244. 244: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Melba Lynne,

    Honestly? I would try to find a 3rd guy to fit in your rotation so you won’t worry so much about whether either of these calls you. And keep practicing the tools — especially the feeling messages. I’ve noticed that since I’ve started being in the “receiving” state of mind, the guys I’m seeing have been much more giving. I bet you’ll find the same, but to quote what someone else said earlier in this thread, “don’t make him your priority if he’s only making you his option”…something I’ve done before and don’t plan to do again.

    Hope that helps…sounds like there’s some real promise there, but try not to get too hung up on any one guy until the guy’s really ready to settle down with you…I’m working on that myself and I know it can be hard…

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 8:55pm

  245. 245: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    the original is Mrs.Helen Andelin..but if you google around there is an online version…I left a link to it for Joan in the post; feminine energy man…a few weeks back…maybe two weeks ago?? The online version is Not the original it is an interpretation but I enjoyed it and my stepmother LOVED it.
    I did it for my Dad :))

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 9:15pm

  246. 246: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Sherry,
    ok, great :) I feel relieved to read your response. I say practice on him since you seem so ready to cut it off; it’s an opportunity for all of us. I feel very curious to see him respond to your feelings.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 9:20pm

  247. 247: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    NIkita – thanks for the reference. I looked up the website, and the first thing I clicked to, was a question when Mrs Andelin replies saying that sometimes divorce is a mercy, when it’s a really bad choice of man to start with, especially when no children. I feel it is a mercy that I have no children in all this, so the hurt is not spread out to them as well.

    Saturday, 24 July 2010 @ 11:59pm

  248. 248: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei,

    Good….perhaps that was the message you needed to hear.
    Only you know what’s in your heart :)

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 12:19am

  249. 249: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie –

    I’ve been reading all through this thread, and something you said back in #68 hit me like a thunderbolt. I love how you used feeling messages to tell the story of your earlier marriage – what a great example. Thank you.

    But what really struck me was the bit about living in our heads. I’ve realised that marriage can include an imaginary relationship as well. A lot of what we had was all in my head!! For years, I lived with the fantasy that he loved me really, but couldn’t/wouldn’t show it.

    I remember, as a teenage, maybe 17 or 18, feeling so hurt at something else my father had angrily done or not done that I was crying to my Mum, and saying “Dad doesn’t love me.” She said, “He does, but he doesn’t show it easily. And when he’s angry, it’s really because he loves you.”

    I don’t blame my Mum for this anymore – she has grown and changed since then, and is not saying this now that I’m separating from husband and telling her why – using feeling messages. She is really supporting me and saying, “NO-ONE should make you feel like that!”

    But I realise that I’ve been living with the belief that a man is loving me even when he’s not showing it, even when he’s ignoring me and angry, and making me feel empty, small, unacceptable and sad all the time.

    This is not being loved. I feel so appreciative that I’ve woken up to discerning whether I’m receiving love or something else. I feel moved and thankful as I type that I’ve begun to be able to tell the difference about how being loved feels, and what all the other stuff feels like, by how they make me feel.

    When I am being loved, I feel noticed, liked, approved of, accepted as I am, happy, relaxed, unselfconscious, witty, interesting, fun to be with, glowy, creative, also less critical, able to go-with-the-flow, and more able to be authentic.

    And I’m scared but want to work on expressing the more ‘negative’ stuff authentically, in the moment, as well. It feels hard to say things like, “I feel pressurised, alienated, angry, outraged, shocked, etc” but I’m starting to dare to begin this.

    And all because of Rori and this blog.

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 12:24am

  250. 250: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks very much Renee, yes i think my past pattern/s were def to ‘get involved’ with a guy… & if it kept going well & we ‘were exclusive’ i’d get myself ‘too attached’ … & then not be able to see, & then leave, a toxic situation… (so both my marriages were with Toxic Guys & me leaving, finally, was the only safe way for me to survive emotionally – 2 kids with 1st husband).
    I practiced including the feeling messages with Guy 2 (Greg) yesterday on 1st meeting – & he just txted now! :-) & with Guy 1 (Ian) I’m Totally Stopping ie I haven’t contacted him for 3 weeks (he’s contacted me twice since then [& I respond, but don't initiate anything now] – when ‘normally’ I’d Txt & He’d Be Right Here, Every Singe Time… ie Always Available for Me… but not initiating, so of recent times I’d decided to just ‘see’ him ‘occasionally’ & now, I’ve Stopped …. but yes Now I’m ‘worrying’ about Greg… Time to Relax… & enjoy what unfolds for me.. :-) & more practice with more CD’s.. :-) Thanks again… Lynne

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 2:50am

  251. 251: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Melba Lynne — I understand completely! My pattern has been to get exclusive with a guy within weeks and within weeks after that, he’d always back off. I’d get mad cause I felt used and things would blow up. I’m working on trying not to get too attached to any one guy, holding off on getting physical too soon, and expressing myself in feeling messages. I’m making progress, but I still have a ways to go…I’m a real ‘thinker’, so expressing myself in feeling messages has definitely not been my pattern, but I totally buy into the concept behind it. In fact, one of the things the pilot told my during our date last night was that he wanted a woman who was ‘real’ — faults and all…someone who could feel and be soft and feminine. I thought — wow! He’s been reading Rori! lol.

    Anyway — kudos to you for recognizing your pattern and trying to break it. It’s soooo easy to fall back into that pattern — we’ve done it our whole lives and while it hasn’t worked for us, it’s what we’re comfortable with. I suspect, once I happen upon a guy I’m really attracted to, that I will struggle mightily with my desire to devote myself to him and to want to sleep with him. But I know that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working, and you know the definition of ‘insanity’ (doing the same the over and over and expecting different results). I feel so thankful that there’s a blog where I can vent my frustrations and share my struggles!

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 4:03am

  252. 252: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei
    I feel my own tears welling-up
    I feel the tightening in my throat
    I feel at a loss for words
    I feel my emptiness in my heart, lungs, belly, I feel it in every cell of my body, the emptiness has pain
    today the pain is at the base of my head where it joins the neck
    and pain in my throat – I can not speak about what it feels like to have not felt the love of a man, or a mother, or a father – there are no words that can describe the emptiness
    now, I love my emptiness
    I marvel at how big it is
    I have room
    I have space
    There is no worry any more
    I am open to recieve

    Lorelei I could not have described so well such a similar experience – I feel like we are sisters

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 6:54am

  253. 253: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Lizzie

    Yes, thanks again, and hugs.

    And I love that the emptiness is space to move and to receive. Space to breathe freely, for me, as well.
    Yeah – that’s it, I’m not holding my breath any more!!

    And yay for us, and for all of us on this site, to be learning this – a little late in the day maybe, no, I want to believe it’s the right time. It is the right and good time to learn these things. Never too late.

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 7:50am

  254. 254: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been chatting to lots of men on a dating website and one of the guys has emailed me a few times hinting that he’d like to ask me out but has never actually stepped up and done it.
    Today he messaged me that he thought I ‘just wanted to date and he needed more than that’
    Here is my reply; your thought on what I said would be appreciated.

    ****************************************************
    What I want is to date, so I’m ready when the man who will do absolutly anything to be with me comes along.

    I do not want to be anyones ‘girlfriend’. I want to keep my options open until a man who cannot be without me shows up.

    I’m not prepared to be exclusive with anyone until I meet the man who consistantly shows me he can love me, provide for me and protect me. Why would I settle for anything less?

    What do you think about that?

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 9:34am

  255. 255: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Josie, I don’t know if my experience will be helpful for you or not, but after 5 years (on & off) a dating website (& having met over 60 guys, 4 of whom I quite liked a lot & 3 had relationship/s of some type, & some others I followed up a bit for ‘friendship’, hoping I may find a Spark of Interest for them…) I’ve found that I email in a very limited way & on even 1st or 2nd email (usually guy emails1st).. I will suggest if guy would like a coffee with me I’d be available some time, (keep it casual), & I usually write “because I’ve found that you really need to ‘know the whole’ person, & lots of emails don’t substitute for the ‘face to face’ chat”. Some guys Want to email alot &/or phone chat, & again I’ve found that ‘the person’ can be ‘beautiful’ on the phone, ‘cute & clever’ in emails but ‘not particularly attractive/interesting/inspiring’ to me ‘in person’… It led to quite alot of disappointment for me, until I started on the ‘lets just have coffee & see’ straight up plan…
    Even if/when the person you meet is not as great as you thought (since you only have profile & email or 2) you get to practice all Rori’s great stuff… as I’ve now been starting to do (yayyy!! :-)) & it has 2 advantages 1. The ‘boring/not gr8′ coffee becomes the free therapy where practice can occur with someone you’re not Worrying About (ie Really Into & thus Everything is Harder When So Much is at Stake! lol!!)so then 2. Every ‘date/coffee’ then becomes a ‘positive 4 u’ & thus ‘disappointment disappears’ from Any Meeting!!! Yayy!!! :-) I hope this helps… it’s just my perspective & may not be the right one for you… Lynne :-)

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 3:34pm

  256. 256: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    PS Josie I think what I’m trying to say is that ‘saying’ what you wrote to the guy could be a better strategy, than ‘writing’ it to someone you (& he) don’t really know yet…. (ie if you don’t get to Meet him, cos he Doesn’t Know Exactly Where He’s At At Present, & so decides not to meet you, you won’t get to Practice Rori’s Tools…)……although obviously being upfront right from the start is beneficial…
    Anyway, just a thought for you.. hope it helps..

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 3:38pm

  257. 257: Melb(a) LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Ahh Renee, I really relate to what you say… I’m a ‘thinker’ too (a big thinker!! :-() & it has been difficult for me ‘changing my internal dialogue to rephrase things to come out of my mouth as an “I feel”…!! but I DO feel excited every (little) step I do… I gotta keep positive about the achievements (however small..! cos sometimes I frustrate myself {ie getting annoyed with myself :-( }with a ‘situation lost’ to have ‘practiced’!!).
    Funny you mention your Pilot guy re wanting ‘real’ (channelling Rori lol!!) etc …. as my Teacher (Greg) on Sat when I asked “What do you respect most in a woman?” answered “Honesty, being real, not fake, with how you’re feeling”…( !! )
    Yeah I’m also thinking (if this Greg thing continues & I sense that it may)… that sleeping with him Will Not Be For Some Time (as I Just Get So Attached & Then I MAY Seem Like I’m Needy {& then demanding! cos I can’t handle/manage the emotions that come up for me}…aagghh)
    In fact, is so long since I’ve been ‘in a relationship’, early 2004 my 2nd marriage broke up (& since then only 1 4mth relship with a very supportive guy… but he just ‘didn’t do it for me’ & i felt like i was ‘leading him on’ so had to finish it)… I don’t even Know How I’ll Go About It… probably just enjoy the ‘moment/s’ & ‘relax’ !! :-)… & not start projecting an ‘imaginary’ relationship!!!… Although Greg did actually (inadvertantly!!!) mention like we were ‘together’ !!!
    I agree, too, it’s great here to be able to ask questions, vent re angst, & just ‘get stuff’ out… to people who are all supportive & in similar tricky (sometimes stressful!!) situations……… Thanks for your comments :-) Look forward to next Pilot episode/instalment??

    Monday, 26 July 2010 @ 2:31am

  258. 258: GinaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post as well, makes so much sense. I have to start applying this to my life ASAP.

    Monday, 26 July 2010 @ 12:58pm

  259. 259: MargyNo Gravatar says:

    I have been in a Toxic situation and have used some of the Modern Siren tools for some practice and have had results. Recently some things happened and i just told him to forget my number. It has been a week and no call, yet now I am torn for feeling that I miss his calls.. It is so perplexing, and confusing since this is the first time he is listening to me LOL

    Monday, 26 July 2010 @ 1:09pm

  260. 260: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, How do you keep a guy from getting jealous when you have grandchildren and you want to spend time with them too? Especially when the relationship is becoming potentially marriage material?

    Monday, 26 July 2010 @ 8:29pm

  261. 261: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette.

    Guys just want to know they’re #1 in your life.

    I’d say something like “I want you to know that you’re the most important person in my life, and always will be.” But you must mean it. If you make him number one and he actually feels like he is he’ll stop feeling threatened.

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 1:58am

  262. 262: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Melb(a) Lynne
    It feels good to have another persons perspective on things.

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 2:00am

  263. 263: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    Hello.. I havent written anything on here since that awful day at Easter when he finished us.. since then we got back together.. i tried to circular date, backed off, leaned back.. but it still went wrong.. and he ended it again..

    So right now, I dont have much confidence in the programs.. I feel as though I did everything I should have.. I linked up wtih another UK women who has supported me through all this.. and she agrees..there was nothing else I could have done.. he was toxic…

    So..now I am single, feel awful but know its right to let him go this time. Am watching ‘targeting mr right’ program.. but jsut wanted to ask.. to get at least three men on dates? In the UK, maybe there is a smaller ‘pool’ but no one I know gets that many decent guys approach them, espeically through internet dating sites. Tehy are chronic. So whilst I was with the ex, I did go to more groups, classes, talked with guys behind counters etc..and practiced that way.. but it would be nice to get some dates as well! Any feedback from other UK women?

    Lisa

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 8:55am

  264. 264: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    ps… i am 41.. it seems that even fewer guys in their 40′s so have changed age range to 33+!

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 9:18am

  265. 265: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Margy, Welcome — and I hear how confusing this is. I’m going to jump off your question into a new post…Meanwhile…let us know what “happened.” It is totally natural for you to question yourself and feel torn about saying “no” to him…and I’m so proud of you for doing it, if that’s what felt right to you at the time. I’m going to write a post about saying “next” and “no” and about the important Third Way to deal with a man when there’s conflict – instead of going towards him and making “nice” or shutting him down and pretending you don’t care…and that’s TALKING and telling the Truth. You may have already done all that – but I’ll write anyway! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 1:53pm

  266. 266: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi – Thanks Lizzie and Ankita for your comments.
    Yes I want to ask him direct questions that would help prove his explanations- but those questions make him feel I am not trusting him and that I am thinking that he is cheating and that triggers his anger and he gets hysterical shouting and then shuts me out unless I stop mentioning the subject and stop talking about it, then he will calm down and even be nice again. So I cant freely exspress myself to him and it is difficult to communicate about these things wich are troubling me. I left there to visit family and have been away more than 3 weeks now. Trust and doubt battle within me, is he lieing to me or am I just so afraid to be hurt that I am not beleiving him when he is faithfull? It is easy to be celibate since I am away from him, but he asked me to go camping with him and if I do it would be tempting to have sex in that situation, if he gets me to trust him, but Im afraid the unresolved red flags will return to trouble me with doubt again after, with renewed emotional impact!

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 2:14pm

  267. 267: lovely ladyNo Gravatar says:

    When I see him maybe I should behave as if I trust him completely, go ahead and have sex, and hope that this helps him to open up to me and actually give me more information that could help me beleive him?
    Or I could go with my boundaries guarded and ask him to prove his honesty and show evidence of it if possable and communicate to resolve issues before I will consider having sex?
    Which way will work better?

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 2:25pm

  268. 268: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    This is pretty much bible worthy article… ;) learning how to recieve is in fact very loving.. Can you imagine Giving to someone who didn”t want it or pushed it away.. That what we gals to men all the time.. It’s like interuppting people when we speak.. just kinda cutting them off in the middle of what they want to express!

    I want to learn to recieve and give in a balanced way!! :)

    Wednesday, 28 July 2010 @ 7:34pm

  269. 269: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    Hello.. could really do with some support and encouragement.. no-one replied to my post above re circular dating in the UK.. can sort of understand why – i was negative!

    However, I have now gone through ‘targeting mr right’ dvd’s and listened to Toxic Man from a friend in teh uk.. my ex scored 40 on teh toxicity and 15 on loving behaviours.. so can see loads of patterns etc.. Even so, my first thoughts this mornign was of him, and seeing his face next to me on teh pillow!! UGH!!!

    So.. moving on.. i have re-done my profiles, spent my last bit of finance on eharmony..and being positive! I am going to a festival tomorrow with a friend and intend to look gorgeious and enjoy it!

    I am putting it out there, that I intend to date at least 3 men at a time…and unless I get a definate ‘yuck’ on them, will just say YES..so I get to practice so here goes…

    Lisa.x

    Saturday, 31 July 2010 @ 5:04am

  270. 270: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa,

    Your post was replied to. If you don’t see it under here, try looking under the “psychic told her she is cursed” thread.

    I will say though, that circular dating is frowned upon by men in the States as well. Personally, I make sure they know, if it comes up (I don’t bring it up if I’m not comfortable with it) that I’m dating casually & there won’t be any sexual contact unless there is exclusivity – both ways. I’ve not been able to do a lot of dating lately due to my living arrangements, but I still practice feeling messages in my email & practice the tools on pretty much everyone I run into out in the world.

    We women have given up all of our feminine power by becoming exclusive with one man before he’s done anything to claim us. Rori’s tools are a great way to take that power back. I believe attitude is everything – that is – if I approach CDing with confidence that i am worth making a man win me – that he doesn’t just get to keep me because he showed some interest, but actually has to treat me well & give me a reason to want to be with him – they work to make that happen. However, if I am not confident & sure that I am doing the right thing, they sense that too & act as if I’m doing something wrong. It’s all about being authentic. I have to know that this is the best thing for me & that’s that. That’s the way things are going to be – take it or leave it – but in a soft, feminine way. The most recent guy I’m seeing, I just flat out told, “I’m going to keep dating casually until I have a ring on my finger. What do you think of that?” And he loved it. Like I said though, I don’t tell just everyone that. You could though, if or when you become confident enough in this.

    I hope you have a great time at your festival today. I encourage you to read the other thread to see what was said there. There is some good stuff.

    Saturday, 31 July 2010 @ 7:35am

  271. 271: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa,

    I just re-read your post & realized your festival is tomorrow. So have fun at your festival tomorrow. Do you get Rori’s emails?

    I also wanted to let you know that there are lots of free dating sites on the net. You can find them by doing a search for “free dating sites.” You generally have to set up a profile to even browse, so I set up a couple with pretty much just pictures until I could browse & see if I want to stay.

    Good luck! If I were you, I would cancel e-harmony, get my money back & just use the free sites until I was better able to afford a paid dating site. That’s just me though. Feel free to do as you like with no judgment from me. :-)

    Saturday, 31 July 2010 @ 7:53am

  272. 272: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    go Lisa from across the pond…Rori

    Saturday, 31 July 2010 @ 11:08am

  273. 273: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    Hi Sweetpea.. thank you and thank you Rori!

    Festival is tomorrow and today I made myself go to a new place to walk my dog..really had to keep bringing myself back to me and not look for men! ugh! Anyway, there was some runners that kept passing us, and each time I would get my dog under control, the lead guy would say thank you..and a couple of times, said we meet again.. he was gorgeous but you know, I couldnt keep eye contact!!!

    So when it happened again, I talked to myself inside and looked, forced a reply BUT forgot to smile! ugh! when I passed them for the last time, I did try…but just couldnt do it.. its so not me! Really need to practice!

    Its Saturday night and I feel that I am the only one in on the internet (which ofc ourse I’m not!)… my complaint with the internet sites is that they seem to be full of men that I wouldnt entertain seeing! The free sites are worse than the paid ones! I’ve been on them on adn off for a year now and its the same pool of men! Having mentioned this to others, everyone says the same, and we think you gals in America must have so many more to choose from!

    Anyway, I hvae read both posts/blogs and cant find any other reply to my earlier one.. but did pick up loads of info.. thank you…

    I’ll report back tomorrow after my practising at the festival.

    Lisa.x

    Saturday, 31 July 2010 @ 12:03pm

  274. 274: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lisa (from across the pond!)
    I’m in the UK and am also having the same problems with the lack of decent men.

    I’ve registered on one of the free dating sites and I was doing ok last week, chatting to several men and practising leaning back but this week I feel totally icky.
    I can feel my barriers are back and twice as high but I don’t know why they’ve returned or how to take them back down.
    I don’t want to date any of the men that have asked me out, I don’t feel good, I don’t feel ready. I just want to hide. I feel weak and scared and fake.

    Monday, 2 August 2010 @ 2:38am

  275. 275: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    @Lisa (from across the pond!)

    Runner guy saw you and liked what he saw. Now you just need to work on beliving someone can like you, exactally as you are; because he obviously did.
    x

    Monday, 2 August 2010 @ 2:43am

  276. 276: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    Hi Josie

    Thank you! I returned from the festival today and I think it was way too soon.. I spent much of the day thinking about the ex, and because he introduced me to the folk scene, everything just reminded me of him! I really feel that I need to totally change the ‘circles’ I was mixing in when I was with him…

    So, where are you in the UK, I have connected with another lady in Exeter from this forum..and we have been encouraging each other on the phone, when we have needed a ‘boost’… her man is stepping up tho!!! Mine didnt!

    I have had two guys interested in me from the dating sites this week.. one has been texting me loads even though we have only spoken once on the phone! Thats feels icky in itself!

    I have decided though to accept all offers of dates unless I get a mega ‘repulsion’! I need to practice… so just go for it!

    It would be good to share it all!

    Lisa.x

    Monday, 2 August 2010 @ 1:15pm

  277. 277: Lisa (from across the pond!)No Gravatar says:

    Hello..

    feeling vulnerable today, bleeding heavy which just adds to it..

    I know I am not the only one in the world to go through this..but its the first time for me that I have felt such a depth of love for a man, and he not feel the same.. i just dont get why! I just want him, no one will match him, keep going to his myspace page (his FB page was cut by me last week) which I know isnt healthy! it feels crap!

    I had such clarity yesterday..but today, all that clarity has gone… keep thinking I couldh ave done things diffferently, my fault etc etc etc…. ugh!

    I am writing a blog of my experiences as well..and you can see I go up and down.. like a roller coaster.

    http://ajourneyofawakeningwoman.blogspot.com/

    Dating sites have gone quiet… it all feels so low..I know none of this is true, or real.. all is ok BUT..

    Lisa.x

    Tuesday, 3 August 2010 @ 5:36am

  278. 278: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    To Rori – The Phenom:

    I genuinely thank you for your material. Just doing all the feeling messages and being present is helping me feel more grounded and be able to “hold” emotions of say men looking at me with approval as well as tap into my truth.

    Here are my dating issues 1: I went out on an “official date” with a guy I have been practicing feeling messages and being present. I had gone on a few circular unofficial dates with him prior. He invited me to play frisbee in the park with him and his son twice. He invited me to a barbeque his mother, sister, and brother happened to be there (although I only stayed 1/2 hour – I didn’t get enough attention, there was a lot of women, but I did smile at some guys). I watched a show with him in his home twice. Visited 3 times and on the fourth or 5th time felt like I wanted to “play” with him a bit after having a great conversation about why I am so difficult. Mind you I had been doing all the feeling messages but not forcing anything and waiting until I felt effort or real interest on his part. So anyway that conversation really stimulated me because he felt warm, open, and genuine which really turned me on. I did break a rule of yours and spent the night there – but felt really good about that experience and was hummy and singy the next morning. I think I was really turned on by the emotional intimacy the most hmmm.

    So any way two days later he asked if he could come over to which I agreed and I enjoyed playing with him again but felt like it lacked the emotional depth from the previous time but was definitely more intense and sensual. I think that experienced triggered me because I felt odd when he thanked me (mind you I did date my landlord and can feel uncomfortable when men are there…will post on that). I didn’t go all the way with him because I want STD tests first and wanted to protect myself from going blind by my emotions. I did say as I seen posted somewhere that I enjoy being with him but tend to feel vulnerable after sexual intimacy. He responded with a me to then said he’d call me which didn’t feel like reassurance for being insecure but a way of holding me after we did magic together. By the way I feel intensely turned on when I’m with him. He did call me later that night (2 hours) and proceeded to contact me every day.

    I’m thinking that I was triggered by the sexual encounter although I was trying to protect myself from feeling too much. We made plans for an official date. But when he called and told me to meet him somewhere I wasn’t aware at the time that I felt angry at not being picked up at my home. and helpless. The weather was bad to instead of saying my truth I fumbled around until it had to be cancelled because I wasn’t ready. The next attempt was cancelled because it rained and once again he asked me to meet him somewhere which by this point I knew why I was mad but didn’t know how to say it.

    Finally, today the sun was shining and he said the magical words I prefer to hear from a man that he will pick me up from my home. When he came by his eyes sparkled when he saw me in a dress and heels. I got an opportunity to say my truth that I don’t feel comfortable meeting guys for a date unless its a casual date and I’m dressed down. He teasingly called me a diva (my inner high five was like yeah!) but I was like oh I’m okay meeting for down to earth dates but don’t enjoy walking around in heels ( I ive in a big city).

    So we were off to the restaurant and the conversation felt sort of stagnant. The lack of romance felt palpable as he listened to a sports station in the background and uncomfortably asked me how my day went a few times. I wanted to laught but was polite and said and yours? As you teach so eloquently in Targeting Mr. Right.

    He parked in a not so good space and sort of lanked across the street. No gesture of holding my hand, caressing my back in a non-icky and said lets go…I began to feel greatful for the date as things I don’t care for in a potential Mr. Forever showed up in that moment.

    Once we sat down he acted fidgity, checked his cell phone then rubbed his knees on mine in a way that felt like I was being groped. I was struck by how angry this made me feel but didn’t know how to express it or felt uncomfortable saying that so during the dinner when he kept on doing that (which he did) I pulled back. When he asked me why I pulled back I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with and he goes oh boy here we go I knew that was coming. I felt like he was arguing with a person he couldn’t get sex from in his past relationship and took it out on me. Then again the last time he came over I didn’t feel emotionally like messing around (although was really attracted) because I didn’t want to just be touched by a guy I want to feel that emotional connection then. Anyway he said lets make a game of it why don’t I see how hard I can squeeze your knees with my knees and see how strong you are to resist it. I responded sweetly that I would be willing to play with him in the park but wanted to enjoy a conversation at dinner. I felt like stooping to pat his head like a little boy lol! He pouted a bit and said okay. Then got yawny and asked questions. I began to wonder about his stability and felt resentful. I let it go and looked around at the men in the restaurant and enjoyed doing that because I usually never am so adventurous.

    To me the date felt like it tanked but I thanked him for dinner and he opened the door and my car door. I was surprised to hear him say that he enjoyed spending time with me. Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know why he felt he enjoyed himself when he seemed fidgity and uncomfortable and looked at every woman head to toe in the restaurant who crossed his view. He also complained a bit about me not initiating conversation and got annoyed when we needed spoons and wanted me to flag the waiter and I tried for a few seconds to catch a waiters attention then thought about it and left it up to him. He served himself first and suggested I did in. I felt like after dinner in the car the conversation was pulsating with old arguments from his past as he wanted to “talk about stuff” and felt like he wanted to “have it out” It wasn’t an enjoyable experience for me and felt tense and unsexy and unintimate Lol! So why is it that guys I date (#2) say they had a good time when it was crummy for me? If it wasn’t for your rule of keeping 3 I wanted to dump him immediatly. Please advise.

    Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 11:33pm

  279. 279: ScarlettNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone. My name is Scarlett. I am new here. I’ve never done circular dating and am just now trying to get into the online dating scene. I tried registering for eHarmony and after a gruesome personality profile I was sadly rejected. Apparently I’m just not marriage material. I cried for a long time feeling so not good enough, but then a friend called and cheered me up and told me to try POF.

    I haven’t had any dates yet and I’ve been on it for maybe 2 or 3 weeks. One guy gave me his number and said “shoot me a text” but didn’t ask for mine and I’m not planning on calling or texting even though I think he’s cute. I’m not sure if I should respond with something like “I’m not comfortable calling you” and see what he says or just leave it at that.

    I’ve also started talking to another guy who seems to have a lot going for him and he asked to be friends on facebook but I feel like all this does is just transfer our conversation from one internet site to another and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with him looking at everything on my profile from friends and pictures and personal information because I would at least like to meet a person face to face first to make sure he’s not a stalker.

    My other problem is that I’m really out of practice with dating because I’ve been with the last guy for over 3 years and I’ve never been good at it to begin with. And this really cute guy just magically started talking to me at the gym and we had a good conversation and when he finally introduced himself to me and I introduced myself I kinda panicked and didn’t know what else to say so I just said “Ok see you around” and I just walked away. And as I was walking away he just said “Oh, well sorry that I bothered you”. I felt like such an idiot. I couldn’t even look him straight in the face the rest of the time that i was there. I’m still beating myself up for that and just laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

    So I guess my question is, what do you do when the conversation stalls. Do you walk away, or say something just to say something, or just stand there quietly waiting for him to say something?

    Friday, 3 September 2010 @ 1:54pm

  280. 280: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlett – so sorry about eHarmony – I don’t get them. Okay – all you need is PRACTICE!! You just need some serous amount of experience. Get on Match.com, really put some time into caring about scheduling meetings with as many men as you can manage – get FABULOUS photos and a great profile….Love, Rori

    Friday, 3 September 2010 @ 9:48pm

  281. 281: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlett,

    When there is a lull in the conversation, lean back and practice Siren visualization tools, like imagining you are a tree rooted in the ground. Just smile and stay silent. Let the man initiate conversation.

    If you feel really uncomfortable, just state that, “I feel uncomfortable with the silence.”

    Friday, 3 September 2010 @ 10:27pm

  282. 282: ScarlettNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the great advice. I have so far been asked out by two men, but so far have only went out with one. The other date didn’t pan out. We’ll see if he calls to reschedule. But the guy that I did go on a date with has just asked me out for a second date. He is such a nice guy and the conversations were interesting and I felt quite comfortable around him. The only problem is that I don’t feel a physical attraction to him. When he took me home at the end of the date he leaned in for a kiss and I pulled away and told him that I don’t kiss on the first date and that it’s still too soon. And maybe I should have been honest but I panicked. And now that he asked me out again, I’m confused by what to do. Should I go out with him just so I can practice some more, or should I turn him down and be honest because I don’t feel that it will work out? I know in circular dating you should go out with anyone who asks as long as you are not afraid of the person. But is that just for an initial date or for subsequent dates as well? Any advice would be much appreciated.

    Monday, 13 September 2010 @ 7:29pm

  283. 283: TryingHereNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Rori.

    I have a question about the “Me” part of CDing.

    If I’m fully listening to myself and reflecting on myself, how is it possible to be simultaneously opening and inviting while I am preoccupied with…well, myself? And what I’m feeling and wanting?

    I feel like you have to have super powers to listen totally to what your date is saying (read the ebook, the complete listening) and be thinking about the therapeutic revelations of me the whole time.

    Am I alone in this? Can I get a witness?

    And the the other question is, do you not toe the line of objectifying men and making them less than what they are–complex, beautiful human beings with depth and ugliness and good intentions?

    I feel that when I think about me, I lessen a man’s worth (in my mind) to exist on the same planet, the same moment with me, and that makes me feel awful.

    I wouldn’t want to be around a single person on this planet who thought life was a story only about “them”; the only character in the play, the only thing that mattered in the entire narrative of the earth’s history.

    The megalomania abounds. And that’s an ugly person. And I don’t want to be ugly.

    Please advise.

    Friday, 22 July 2011 @ 11:15pm

  284. 284: 2freebird1142No Gravatar says:

    You might actually connect with Mr. Being who you are and loving who you are. The incredible thing that happens when you learn to do this is that you become magnetic. You become irresistibly attractive. Talk with every man who talks to you first. Go out with every man who asks you unless he frightens you. So I am going to seriously practice the baby steps. They should have gone with dulce de leche. Better quality of caramel and very buttery. i am brave and i am showin up for the trigger fest. But he is most definitely in my rotation. Then it got to the point where he was so angry that I stopped talking to him about my Ryan issues. He just talked about wanting to punch him in the face and call him names. Made Circular Dating a lot more clear. We really do have a healthy relationship now in most respects. He begs me to take my blood pressure medication. He turned me down and never made an effort to find another woman. I think he believes that we will ultimately be together. I have not offered anything beyond friendship since our divorce. But it feels good to have him in my corner. As Im recently seeing someone on a NSA basis. So glad I pressed on that link which opened up a wealth of info for me to know what my next move is and how to deal with the current situation Im in. But I still keep seeing him and the dates are boring. I will stay focused on Brenda and loving Brenda and let God take care of Ryan and loving Ryan.and abusive men are the masters at that. I divorced him because of repeated emotional abuse. I do agree that this is such a radical idea and that it makes sense. I said that I wanted to at least understand why so I can move on. Then i stopped all communications. We hang out casually once every two weeks for a month. I feel that we are transitioning back to getter closer but still felt that it is a little too casual. He also said that he still is not feeling it fully and that he needs to be engaged. He said this is a big step for him. We were going to meet his sister too. That he is not a person who dates other people when he wants to focus on someone. He was angry and said he needs time to think what he wants. Meeting another guy on Saturday for lunch. I know Rori has scripted this but I know when it comes to it I am going to struggle. To bloody honest is my trouble. I wish I had walked out but did not. I understand that this is the whole point of doing CD as it gives us the chance to practice on them. It feels so unathentic coming from me. I wish I had been able to do this with my fiance. I can where I have gone wrong with all the four rules. I have no idea what I will say. What I really meant to say is I really enjoy our long distance friendship. Let the chips fall where they may. Then this post came up and I decided I would go and practice as much as I could. And then the stories began to unfold. I felt a complete lack of passion and this created a very real emptiness in me that became filled with sadness. And that it was in working with my kids to help them feel the world that I began this journey for me to really feel with all the passion I have. And she gave me the most wonderful hug good bye. No CD practice this time around. I did not choose him for relationship but I feel happy about how he pursued me. I hope you will share more insights about CD in practice. I feel to much influenced by the horrible things this narcissist man has done with me. I still suffer from PTSD syndroms. So disappointed it devastated me. I get back to me and fill up my life doing the thing that make ME FEEL HAPPY. I tend to stay and try to explain what is wrong. That was taking care of yourself. The pictures made him look mean. I have learned that LESS words with men is better. I think they get lost in all our words. He gave me an example where he was on a date with a woman who spent the night. That was a total invasion of his boundary as well. This is not supposed to be a blip on my radar. I am on my path to Happily Ever After. Right and makes me WEARY of dating. He said she did a good job in picking out the clothes. It was the message it sent to him as a man. And I intend to get to the point where I feel comfortable receiving. I really struggle with that sort of thing. So much so that it stuck in my brain for several days after. But I use feeling messages now. They really need your positive energy and unconditional love. I do NOT want to be called lazy. There was no cooking for them because most lived with their parents. I have realized not just any man is for me. You are all trying to change your lives and relationships for the better. I feel good about reserving my deep honesty for those closest to me. My mother was treated exactly the way like yours. and how he IS NOT going to pay her back. Feeling the warmth of the sun and the breeze carress my skin and the earth supporting me. My time is a gift I share with those who deserve it. I share time with those who I deserve. I trust the universe to bring what I ask for. so Im working and playing on healing and loving myself and allowing my sorrows and finding my way to getting happier. I decide if he isnt appreciating and respecting me then he doesnt deserve so much of my time. If he doesnt treat me well then he will get less of my time. I bought him sometimes a box of chocolate. I want to be given with pure joy. It is one idea of several that I have. I feel protective of my time and energy too. I have been on this project since December. No more just being gut level and saying whatever comes to mind. I recently encountered a situation which highlighted for me how little I practice this valuable tool. One of my dear friends came to me with a really bad situation. I realized I had to stop advising her and just listen. It really is amazing how that happens. I just feel such a soul connection with him.and lost track and here we are again. Now there is a law suit pending and many others are involved with the suit who have also suffered from it. Often my old unconscious programming tells me to try to get rid of my fear. I love and accept our dating relationship exactly how it is. I am too tired right now to respond. I really like talking about this stuff. So nice to have someone to talk to. It is very possible you are in love with the memories and projecting them forward. My guess is to allow the magic of three months to work its way through. I am forever surprised at the overwhelming power of imaginary. It will colour just about everything. I think heart connection and all that internal stuff matters. I have used imagination and fantasy way too much. And I push the man right out of the relationship. Tired and frustrated with everything. Even if it is just to say goodnight. It is interesting that I am comfortable being quiet with him.communicates with me like no other. We are just comfortable with ea other. He is a very tender hearted man. And she never sided with me or against me. My friend always chooses my side. Just look at all the stories about WAITING for a man to make his move. What she wrote about had almost nothing to do with the guy. I was able to learn and apply to my marriage. I have babystepped to understanding that I must put myself first in my life even when it comes to what my dad thinks. He does agree that we are sexually exsclusive though. When I ask him why he has to be single and if he is looking for someone better for him than me he says he doesnt want me asking him where has he been and who has he been with and those kind of questions. I want to beleive him because I have feelings for him but I sometimes cry over these things. I feel forgiving of myself and I feel compassion while in the shared energy experience with another. I now see it as the same as I must love myself first and then I am ready to give and receive love from someone else. I get the sense that you care deeply for this man. I would not know what to do and believe you have something that needs discussion with him. I felt we had a inherent advantage because we knew each other. It feels like we have a great rapport and I can easily write and communicate with you and that is refreshing. Hands on experience is what I desire as well and that takes time places to do things together. It would be nice to hear your voice. Another phase was attractive guys who definitely were not good marriage material. I feel sad about having a phone issue. He wants to talk to me on the phone again tomorrow. We are planning to meet Sunday afternoon. He went on and on about how good I look in my pics. You look just like your pictures. Garden Guy will see me sparkle on Sunday. So I will probably just limit my comments to things that are sure to be along the lines of all Rori recommends. My emotional damage is just too much for people to handle here. I am way past my pain threshhold. It was quite authentic and not irritating. They look at the person as a whole. I also had a man say he was shocked when he went to meet a woman who was in a wheelchair. She deleted her account on Match. I feel annoyed and kinda angry. I feel like I am looking in a mirror of my past self. Was he even open to a relationship or did he just want to date forever. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt because I really do value you as a friend. I am undecided as to what I want.but she was giving him multiple choice answers and he was frustrated. The loss then sucks energy out of me and we end up on an unhappy path that is very difficult to get off. The date has stayed in positive energy and it is easier for me to see if there is a potential fit with me and helps them see it in an unconcious way as well. This is really important for me as I seem to have had this effect on men and it really really hurts when they tell me I am intimidating. I watch many women in the class grab at the men for dances during the social dancing sections. I feel quite shut down from him. NO WAY is he going to stay domestically or financially involved with me.EVER TAKE MONEY OR GIVE SHARES OF YOUR BUSINESS TO YOUR HUSBAND.breathe and let the panic just move right through me. It has been a long hard road for me to be able to even date again. I have no problem getting dates or being the fun attractive want to go out with me again date. I am having problems moving from the superficial to anything real. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do or maybe I got the answer I needed. Just not sure how to interpret it. Maybe your husband still loved you when you filed and he is adapting by dating. It sounds like he want any excuse to hang on. I feel happy getting your invitations I feel so vibrant in your presence. I feel disappointed that I missed this mystery text message. I feel so curious to know what you sent. I feel good just spending time with you. I asked wanting to know if he was someone I could have a relationship with. From his response I feel like the answer is no. But it is not natural for me yet. I feel very curious to see him respond to your feelings.perhaps that was the message you needed to hear. It is the right and good time to learn these things. I want to keep my options open until a man who cannot be without me shows up. I have to start applying this to my life ASAP. Recently some things happened and i just told him to forget my number. I havent written anything on here since that awful day at Easter when he finished us. since then we got back together. I feel as though I did everything I should have. I linked up wtih another UK women who has supported me through all this.there was nothing else I could have done. So I cant freely exspress myself to him and it is difficult to communicate about these things wich are troubling me. That what we gals to men all the time. could really do with some support and encouragement. so can see loads of patterns etc. I encourage you to read the other thread to see what was said there. So have fun at your festival tomorrow. Feel free to do as you like with no judgment from me. I feel weak and scared and fake.and you can see I go up and down. I had gone on a few circular unofficial dates with him prior. He invited me to play frisbee in the park with him and his son twice. I watched a show with him in his home twice. Mind you I had been doing all the feeling messages but not forcing anything and waiting until I felt effort or real interest on his part. I think I was really turned on by the emotional intimacy the most hmmm. I did say as I seen posted somewhere that I enjoy being with him but tend to feel vulnerable after sexual intimacy. We made plans for an official date. When he came by his eyes sparkled when he saw me in a dress and heels. The lack of romance felt palpable as he listened to a sports station in the background and uncomfortably asked me how my day went a few times. Forever showed up in that moment. I responded sweetly that I would be willing to play with him in the park but wanted to enjoy a conversation at dinner. Then got yawny and asked questions. I began to wonder about his stability and felt resentful. I let it go and looked around at the men in the restaurant and enjoyed doing that because I usually never am so adventurous. I was surprised to hear him say that he enjoyed spending time with me. He also complained a bit about me not initiating conversation and got annoyed when we needed spoons and wanted me to flag the waiter and I tried for a few seconds to catch a waiters attention then thought about it and left it up to him. He served himself first and suggested I did in. I tried registering for eHarmony and after a gruesome personality profile I was sadly rejected. Let the man initiate conversation. But the guy that I did go on a date with has just asked me out for a second date. He is such a nice guy and the conversations were interesting and I felt quite comfortable around him. And maybe I should have been honest but I panicked. they get me it is so easy with them.This is a great post. Lots of great information. href=”

    Wednesday, 31 August 2011 @ 9:50pm

  285. 285: PatrickNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, i was reading this and i have to say, as a men i also feel like i’ve been doing all this wrong. it does not help that i’m shy in nature but for a 35 yrs old men it hard to go out there and find the right girl.
    I try online and one date so far it was fun but now what, wait and see if she’s gonna call back? that make’s me feel worst about wanting to date more.
    I mean its not like I’m a jerk or anything like that but because I have not dated for so long, you know been in a long relationship, well now that im single how is this all game work again. lol. I feel nervous some what shy, don’t want to say the wrong thing,
    Anyway to get back on track here, i love this post and i feel like dating again and finding the right one id the hardest thing for me right now.

    Sunday, 1 July 2012 @ 1:55am

  286. 286: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Patrick – I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy, and though I hardly ever allow men on this blog – I want to welcome you – i think it would help us all. As a man – what you need to do is the exact OPPOSITE of everything you read here. What you need is personal authority and to ramp up your MASCULINE energy. I can think of several coaches who could quickly help you – for now, google and read David Cunningham. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 1 July 2012 @ 8:27am

  287. 287: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Patrick,

    Welcome! Most of us write on the newest thread, found here:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/

    Rori tells us to let a man initiate calling…so if that date were with one of us, none of us would call you after a date…well, maybe me, tee-hee-hee…I tend to be the overfunctioner of the bunch!

    Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 5:07pm

  288. 288: lisaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve tried ALL of those things. Nothing works. It’s like you’re speaking a foreign language to me. I’m 36 and I’ve never had a man ask me out on a date. I’ve never even had one talk to me. Never been asked to dance. Never heard a bad pick up line. When I go out with my friends they all get talked to, but not me and no one knows why. Men literally run into me because I’m invisable. It’s like I’m stuck in a movie, but there’s no happy ending. When I try to talk to them they just leave. The last date I had was 2 years ago. My boss set me up with some guy. The dates I get on my own are with guys I pretty much have to talk into going out with me from the internet. I have a MA and I think I’m average looking, but I can only get dates with terrible men. I had a date 3 years ago with a guy covered in tatoos who talked about boxing and chopping up animals with an axe. I admit, I went out with him again because I was so lonely. I was on Match.com for 8 years and only had about 5 people even write me. Not one of them was appropriate.

    Sunday, 3 March 2013 @ 8:33pm

  289. 289: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    lisa – Welcome, and I have no idea, just from your letter, what’s going on with you, and why men aren’t interested in you. I could say it was your photo and profile that got no response, but I don’t know that without seeing it. I can say it’s your attitude, but I don’t know that either. I could speculate that you have bad breath or don’t smell nice or dress nice – and that would be a wild guess. I could also guess that deep down, the wounded parts of you want nothing to do with love, and are pushing men away in ways that your conscious and aware self isn’t noticing. What do YOU think it is? Love, Rori

    Monday, 4 March 2013 @ 1:19am

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