Evan Marc Katz And Rori “Square Off” About Circular Dating

Evan Marc Katz and I recorded a GREAT interview last week (it’ll be out in August in my Monthly Interview Series…) – he really, truly is a passionate champion for women, and I love his firmness and dedication to making relationships simple and do-able.

After the interview we wrote each other, and it turned into a discussion about our differing ideas about the whole “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” agreement that I don’t like, and Evan honors…So here’s the discussion:

From Evan:

Rori,
Such fun seeing you and having our interesting conversation… I’m honored that you choose me to be part of your interview series and we’re preparing a special “Rori Raye” page on www.EvanMarcKatz.com for your listeners…

From Me:

Evan – thank you so much for the interview – I was SO impressed…and you sort of gave me a little EMK to work with myself….I think of you this way:

Passionate champion of women.

You will not let us fail.

You take no bullshit, allow no bullshit – there are very, very few gray areas.

No excuses.

If you do things the right way, in the right order, you will not fail.

AND – most important – your power is in walking away. I have a “tool” I call the “Walkaway” – but it doesn’t have the force of your firm message, and because I’m mostly an “inner game” coach I tend not to be forceful – so having YOU be forceful is a very great thing – very inspiring – good to refer clients to you.

From Evan:

Rori,

Very nice words and I’m appreciative that you see me that way. I don’t mean to be abrasive, nor do I even think of myself as black and white, but I do firmly believe in what I say and stand on it as a form of truth – not merely my opinion about how things SHOULD be, but an observation about how they ARE – about what WORKS.

I didn’t meant to put down Circular Dating; all I wanted to do was illustrate that if a woman pulled that on ME, I’d be out the door. Other men might stick around, but they’re likely to be men who are a) blinded by lust and willing to put up with an unreasonable compromise (“I commit; you date around until we’re married), or b) guys who are so WEAK that they are not likely to command respect from the women who insist on CDing in front of them.

While I understand the thinking behind it – creating abundance, diversifying your risk, building ego – it’s not something I could advocate to my own readers, if you see where I’m coming from.

From Me:

Evan – I really, really like your work, attitude and everything about it. Circular Dating is not really about “dating” – it’s a therapeutic technique you use with everyone – man, woman, child – so it’s more the “keeping your options open” where the disagreement is…

I think we could likely come closer if we tried – but I like the difference here! I think your no-nonsense approach is gold!

I think a part of the problem is that I’m an “inner game” way of working…and you’re more the “outer game” – I’m the one who helps a woman stay sane and not go all insecure while boyfriend turns to husband – in other words – your wife would never need me.

She had it together…but most women I know and work with (and I’m one of those women) – can’t really handle a relationship that’s in “limbo” – especially if they want children and are already in their 30’s.

There are attentive men out there who are good boyfriends but still quite difficult, and are actually hiding that they’re non-commit-able or still in love with their ex or have a thing for another woman in town – because they don’t really know it themselves.

“Keeping my options open” can simply mean you NEVER shut down your options until you feel ready to do so – rather than by some kind of rules….

Sure there’s room for movement here – but I really do like your firmness…so I don’t care if we get closer in thought!

From Evan:

And I know it’s no consolation to someone who feels “insane” when a relationship is in limbo, but the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys, which undermines all sense of trust and the feeling that he’s somehow special.

Men and women aren’t all that different, and if you found out your boyfriend was “keeping his options open” until marriage, you’d probably feel pretty upset. I’m not sure why it would work any differently for the man who’s on the receiving end of Circular Dating.

The good news is that by my “rules” (and I hate that word), you don’t have to wait long to find out where you stand. If he’s not your boyfriend in 2-3 months MAX, you’re OUT the door. Usually, if you look at successful relationships, that choice is made in the first 4-6 weeks, tops. So if you can play it cool until then and then walk if the relationship isn’t escalating (he doesn’t call every day, he doesn’t leave his weekends open for you, he doesn’t take down his profile, he doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend, he doesn’t integrate you into his life, he doesn’t make you feel safe, etc.)

From Me – Of course I get the last word…for now…

I just love this discussion…and what it points up MOST for me is the difference between a man coach/therapist and a woman coach/therapist.

Evan can see things I can’t.

He can experience things I can’t, and come to conclusions from a different place I do.

And yet – it’s also true that he can’t see with a woman’s eyes and feel with a woman’s feelings.  And this isn’t just because he’s a man – but because he’s Evan and sees and thinks and feels and perceives as Evan.

Same for me.

What’s so great about this is that you have us BOTH!

You get the firm, no-nonsense boundaries and help saying “No” from Evan, and you get the inner beefing up, the support, the tools to allow yourself to be vulnerable and available to Love.

Let me know how you feel about all this!

Love, Rori

You can get Evan’s amazing (I wish I’d written every one of them) free newsletters and take a look at his ebook “Why He Disappeared” right here at www.EvanMarcKatz.com.

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1,098 Comments to “Evan Marc Katz And Rori “Square Off” About Circular Dating”

  1. 1: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    I am happy to see this collaboration and undertanding between the two. Yaayy.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:30am

  2. 2: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    I have mad respect for both of you.

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:36am

  3. 3: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    FP~ How’s your daddy?

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:36am

  4. 4: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Rori- I have such respect for you. You have such a calm, peaceful, and loving way of dealing with differences, and I love that. Thankyou.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:49am

  5. 5: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    My dad is doing good. He was out to church yesterday.

    Thanks for asking Lilybelle

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:08am

  6. 6: LDNo Gravatar says:

    wow, that’s odd. My last post says it’s in moderation, but there isn’t anything questionable in it. What causes a comment to go to moderation?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:10am

  7. 7: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    I also feel that because he experiences things as Evan and Rori experiences things as Rori, I can also say the same thing about me and for me. As such though the tools work in the majority of instances I would imagine that people I am dealing with experience them uniquely and might not necessarily respond the same way from person to person.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:11am

  8. 8: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Me too LD. I actually copied and pasted it a second time to see what would happen, got the same result.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:12am

  9. 9: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Some good points by both debaters, but I have to say I’m disappointed that Evan still confuses the Circular Dating concept with being only about dating several guys at the same time. That’s only part of it, and if he really had looked into Rori’s ideas (which doesn’t necessite buying her book, which I didn’t do, either), he should be aware of that. On the other hand, the phrase “circular dating” is unnecessarily misleading, as I already pointed out, so it’s not totally suprising that people get this wrong.

    Still, I’m siding with Evan when it comes to having sex with several dates at the same time. Imho this will backfire with many, if not most men (only very few of which have 4 sex partners at any given time, btw). And if those men happen to be the best possible partner for a girl (for instance by being more socially conservative oriented, by being very monogamous, or with stronger possesive feelings) than the girl practicing this variant of circular dating is ruining her own chances.

    After all, she still can only pick one guy out of the pool of really existing men. No amount of wishful thinking will make a Mr. Perfect appear, who is masculine but not jealous, and totally liberal when it comes to his date’s sex life. That’s why Rori should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy. Of course, a male harem is an exciting fantasy for some women, but they still have to find their guy oin the real world, not fantasyland!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:14am

  10. 10: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…I am in moderation???? Gosh, no faulty or naughty language…:(

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:15am

  11. 11: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I see this from both sides because I have experienced it from both sides. I CDed for 2 1/2 years because the men I was dating either weren’t stepping up or were trying to take me off the market for the wrong reasons. All of them were either wrong for me or I for them. I went on dates with over 100 men in that time and usually had 2-3 in rotation and sometimes as many as 5 or 6. I practiced communicating with men A LOT during that time and figuring out what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. It was a healing process for me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    But I became exclusive with D within a month of dating. Per Rori’s rules, I made sure he formally asked me for exclusivity and knew I’d keep dating until he took me off the market. I had a date with ministerCD the day before D formally asked me to be exclusive! I also made sure we were in the same place in our lives and viewed relationships and commitments the same way and wanted the same things down the road.

    However, once all of that was in place and it felt right, per Evan’s rules I didn’t hesitate to be exclusive with him when he asked. Because now I feel strong enough to walk away if it’s not what I want or thought it would be 3 months down the road. My past pattern would’ve been to stay for a year or two even if I was unhappy or didn’t feel things were working. Those past patterns were exactly what I wanted to break during my time CDing. Now I don’t feel like I would waste a year or two in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me. I also feel like I’m a better judge of what type of man and relationship is good for me than I was then, and wouldn’t even agree to exclusivity in the first place if I didn’t feel it was right for me.

    CDing got me to where I am now, which is being exclusive with a man more wonderful than I thought I deserved or could ever have. And for the first time, I’m in a relationship where I don’t feel any anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and like I can be myself. And be cared for and cherished for just being myself. No, I don’t have a ring on my finger at this point, but I have a sense of peace I’ve never felt before. I feel confident that one of two things will happen: 1) D is the right man for me and I’ll feel cared for and cherished the rest of my life, or 2) I’ll realize at some point that D is not the right man for me and have the strength to walk away, knowing that there is someone EVEN BETTER for me around the corner.

    Feels like a win/win situation to me…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:18am

  12. 12: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing :) We kinda of discussed this topic on the other blogs…there was indeed a lot of passionate discussions…

    I feel curious if the spirits have mellowed this time around…lol

    I like to see opposite views on CD…Although, I feel so much more empowered and free with Rori’s view… I have a weird feeling and I feel scared that I might end up doing (as in the past) what Evan is promoting which is becoming exclusive with one man too soon :(

    I hope that this time around I can t*mper my enthusiasm and of course, h*rmones…Lol

    Warm hugs to u both…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:18am

  13. 13: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Rory, there’s a comment from me in moderation now. And Rusty mildly complained that this happens to him very often recently, too. Hmm, IF you want to keep a cap on the amount of “male” comments here 1(which I would understand, since this should still stay a forum with a very female voice), simply send us guys an email, ok? I CAN keep a lower profile, and I’m sure good ole Rusty, who seems to be a very reasonable guy, too.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:18am

  14. 14: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, what’s going on? I am in moderation again?

    I feel uncomfortable…:( and sure don’t know why…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:19am

  15. 15: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I see, it’s not only happening to male comments! See #9. Hi, Darling, welcome to the club!
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:20am

  16. 16: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    I think everyone is going into moderation right now…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:20am

  17. 17: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    I am wondering if it is mentioning the other coaches name that puts it in moderation because of the previous debates.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:21am

  18. 18: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe things aren’t running smoothly behind the scenes for some reason?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:22am

  19. 19: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry the other coach’s name. I used it on the previous thread and that went into moderation too.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:22am

  20. 20: LDNo Gravatar says:

    FP,

    I did mention his name in my post. I’m gonna copy and paste without his name and see what happens.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:23am

  21. 21: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #16 Good idea, FP! Will try and check this.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:24am

  22. 22: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I see this from both sides because I have experienced it from both sides. I CDed for 2 1/2 years because the men I was dating either weren’t stepping up or were trying to take me off the market for the wrong reasons. All of them were either wrong for me or I for them. I went on dates with over 100 men in that time and usually had 2-3 in rotation and sometimes as many as 5 or 6. I practiced communicating with men A LOT during that time and figuring out what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. It was a healing process for me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    But I became exclusive with D within a month of dating. Per CD rules, I made sure he formally asked me for exclusivity and knew I’d keep dating until he took me off the market. I had a date with ministerCD the day before D formally asked me to be exclusive! I also made sure we were in the same place in our lives and viewed relationships and commitments the same way and wanted the same things down the road.

    However, once all of that was in place and it felt right, per E’s rules I didn’t hesitate to be exclusive with him when he asked. Because now I feel strong enough to walk away if it’s not what I want or thought it would be 3 months down the road. My past pattern would’ve been to stay for a year or two even if I was unhappy or didn’t feel things were working. Those past patterns were exactly what I wanted to break during my time CDing. Now I don’t feel like I would waste a year or two in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me. I also feel like I’m a better judge of what type of man and relationship is good for me than I was then, and wouldn’t even agree to exclusivity in the first place if I didn’t feel it was right for me.

    CDing got me to where I am now, which is being exclusive with a man more wonderful than I thought I deserved or could ever have. And for the first time, I’m in a relationship where I don’t feel any anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and like I can be myself. And be cared for and cherished for just being myself. No, I don’t have a ring on my finger at this point, but I have a sense of peace I’ve never felt before. I feel confident that one of two things will happen: 1) D is the right man for me and I’ll feel cared for and cherished the rest of my life, or 2) I’ll realize at some point that D is not the right man for me and have the strength to walk away, knowing that there is someone EVEN BETTER for me around the corner.

    Feels like a win/win situation to me…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:24am

  23. 23: LDNo Gravatar says:

    yep, it went through when I deleted the 2 coaches names…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:25am

  24. 24: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Some good points by both debaters, but I have to say I’m disappointed that E. still confuses the Circular Dating concept with being only about dating several guys at the same time. That’s only part of it, and if he really had looked into R.’s ideas (which doesn’t necessite buying her book, which I didn’t do, either), he should be aware of that. On the other hand, the phrase “circular dating” is unnecessarily misleading, as I already pointed out, so it’s not totally suprising that people get this wrong.

    Still, I’m siding with E. when it comes to having sex with several dates at the same time. Imho this will backfire with many, if not most men (only very few of which have 4 sex partners at any given time, btw). And if those men happen to be the best possible partner for a girl (for instance by being more socially conservative oriented, by being very monogamous, or with stronger possesive feelings) than the girl practicing this variant of circular dating is ruining her own chances.

    After all, she still can only pick one guy out of the pool of really existing men. No amount of wishful thinking will make a Mr. Perfect appear, who is masculine but not jealous, and totally liberal when it comes to his date’s sex life. That’s why R. should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy. Of course, a male harem is an exciting fantasy for some women, but they still have to find their guy in the real world, not fantasyland!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:25am

  25. 25: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Indeed! Ha!!!
    Ladies, simply don’t mention the four letter word starting with E, and you’re fine!
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:26am

  26. 26: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    LD as far as I am concerned there is no arguing with experience so that is the reason I like experimenting.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:28am

  27. 27: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    I had a no sex boundary while CDing. I only slipped up and had sex twice in 2 1/2 years. One of those was a CD I was considering becoming exclusive with over a year ago and the other time was a hookup with my ex from 3 years ago that was sort of a test for me. Other than that, sex was not a part of the equation. I had a history of men who were wrong for me offering to be exclusive with me in order to have sex with me, so that’s one of the patterns I was trying to break.

    As one of the other sirens here wrote “sex is the reward of a healthy relationship, not the way to try to begin a relationship.”

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:33am

  28. 28: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #19 LD, that’s a real success story and sure is inspiring for the other girls! Shows that CDing, used in a way that is personalized to your situation and needs, really puts you on the right track. Of course, there is no guarantee, there never is in real life, but it’s obvious that with your increased self confidence and awareness you’re well prepared to deal with any relationship issues that may come up. Great!
    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:37am

  29. 29: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    No, there never is a guarantee. There isn’t one with D now, but I feel comfortable taking the risk. It’s pretty much always a gamble, but I feel if a woman has the right tools and experience and takes the time to heal her issues and blocks, at least she can take the risk with the best odds for her.

    Denying myself sex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I needed to do that in order to weed out the men who were only looking for sex with me, even if they promised me more.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:43am

  30. 30: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing :) We kinda of discussed this topic on the other blogs…there was indeed a lot of passionate discussions…

    I feel curious if the spirits have mellowed this time around…lol

    I like to see opposite views on CD…Although, I feel so much more empowered and free with Rori’s view… I have a weird feeling and I feel scared that I might end up doing (as in the past) what E is promoting which is becoming exclusive with one man too soon :(

    I hope that this time around I can t*mper my enthusiasm and of course, h*rmones…Lol

    Warm hugs to u both…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:44am

  31. 31: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay…u guys are right…coaches’ names shall not be mentioned…or we gonna get booted out the camp…lol

    Lurker #13…It feels good to be part of the “renegades” club…lol Thank you for the warm welcome :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:46am

  32. 32: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    I hope this time around the discussion will be more tempered so that E can come in with his comments.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:48am

  33. 33: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #28 “It feels good to be part of the “renegades” club”
    Afaics club members are You, Darling Ella, LD, Rusty and me. Wow, that’s a good cast for a hot party! This triggers my imagination…
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:57am

  34. 34: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    The Lurker:

    “Wow, that’s a good cast for a hot party! This triggers my imagination…”

    Indeed Wow…;) Imagination feels good :) I feel smitten :)

    Out to work…I feel frustrated can’t post via my phone…but I sure can read :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:02am

  35. 35: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker:

    I posted a question for you the other day…:)

    Here is again: What does a Goddess mean to you?

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:04am

  36. 36: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Just as a reminder: Ella, QueenBee, I posted comments for you in the previous thread, at #1107 and #1109!
    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:18am

  37. 37: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Sigh. I hoped this business with “Mr. X” had run it’s course two weeks ago.

    Here’s the thing: So a guy is supposed to step up to be your BOYFRIEND 4 to 12 weeks after meeting you – but he gets to take up to 3 YEARS after that to decide whether or not he wants to be your husband. The timetable is completely his. And he may decide never to marry her anyway.

    So I suppose it comes down to how long a woman really wants to be a man’s exclusive girlfriend.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:23am

  38. 38: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel amused how the guys freak out
    ‘Lest the woman is sexually active’

    :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:27am

  39. 39: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #32 “What does a Goddess mean to you?”

    Well, Darling, that’s a bit personal, since it involves fantasies that I won’t discuss at a public forum. Also, “goddess” is a nickname I use for a certain online friend, and so it has two different meanings for me.

    But speaking generally, a goddess is for me an idealized picture of a woman, including all that I desire from a girlfriend (a mixture that probably doesn’t exist in real life). And I understand you girls feel flattered when being called a “goddess”. Just be aware that this may mean that the guy is putting you on too high a podestal, with the risk that your totally natural human flaws may result in an ugly wake up for him. So, you may want to know if he uses this as a compliment, or maybe teasingly, or if he’s rather in love with his imagination of you than your real self.

    Well, Darling, that’s all I want to say about this. The details are really a bit too personal, and as you girls may have noticed, I’m a very shy guy.
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:28am

  40. 40: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    35:

    Lurker, I am smitten with you as well. ;-)

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:31am

  41. 41: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #34 “he gets to take up to 3 YEARS after that to decide whether or not he wants to be your husband. The timetable is completely his.”

    Lily, imho this is a misinterpretation. I don’t find this in E.’s blog postings. Instead, he seems to advocate that the woman always has a say in this, too! If she finds that the guy is too comfortable with the status quo, and not spending thoughts on making his mind up about marriage, of course this should have consequences! Not to speak of the situation where the relationship detoriates. In such situations, E. often advices a woman to put an end to this (imho even a bit too often). So, the timetable is still very much depending on you ladies, too. If you come to the conclusion, “this doesn’t lead anywhere”, then it’s quits, regardless whether it’s after 6 months or two years.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:36am

  42. 42: AnnaNo Gravatar says:

    Great post and I love the dynamics between Rori and EMK way of looking at Circular Dating. I happen to agree with EMK, but I also love the idea of Circular Dating. I have chosen not to see other men while my bf and I work things out, but I have CD myself, my friends, my life and that feels good. In turn I am leaving my options open in other ways by putting myself away from the phone and him calling the shots. I feel good about that and love my “new” life.

    However, I would love some advice away from this post. My bf and I were together for 5 years and we have been broken up for a year now, but we have been working on things for this year and our communication and understand have been so much better and we have built a foundation we never had before. Yesterday he invited me to Easter dinner at his mother’s house ( I haven’t seen them in a year). I had such mixed feelings about it, I was happy but also anxious. Everything went well, but when we left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I didn’t want to ruin a great day by telling him. He said I wouldn’t and wanted to know. I just was honest and said I had mixed emotions, that I was happy and sad at the same time; and that I sat at the table and I looked around and it made me sad because we still aren’t there yet. I was crying and he hugged me and said that we weren’t too far away from it either. He asked if I wanted to stay over and I said I just need a night alone. He called a few times to say he missed me and I said I missed him too. It was weird I was sad, but I felt a sense of release too with those tears. Today I woke up feeling like myself again, but I was taken back by how strong those emotions came out. Has anyone had this happen to them?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:39am

  43. 43: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #37 “Lurker, I am smitten with you as well.”
    Awwww, Lil! :-)
    But don’t. My only personality is much more charming than my real self, believe me. You girls only see the sunny side up here. Not the still handsome, but also chaotic and confused other half, that needs some hard work before being of any use in a relationship.

    However, why the reference to “35”? You mean comment #35? I don’t really think Daria is smitten with me! Which is totally ok. Even though I hate to see a pretty girl not falling in love with me!
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:45am

  44. 44: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #37

    If you read that blog extensively ( I have) the coach stresses giving a “good guy” up to 3 years. OFCOURSE a woman could bail at any time, but the thinking is that she shouldn’t bail on a “good guy” just because he’s not operating on HER timetable.

    Cd’ing is merely an option for a woman who feels *stuck* in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be progressing where she might like. I’d say,if a woman decides to cd (in the actual dating sense) after being in an exclusive relationship with someone, it’s a strong indication that the relationship isn’t as close as it should be for marriage at that point. It’s dropping the relationship down a level, not breaking it off completely, but leaving the door open.

    I don’t know how many couples, both parties, would choose such a course of action, but it’s an alternative to giving an ultimatum, or just walking away and slamming the door shut. The way I see it, just the possibility of dating others after being exclusive would hopefully open the thought process and dialogue for both people to seriously evaluate their relationship. If one wants to marry and the other doesn’t, they really need to explore why.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:52am

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    :). Thanks Lurker

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:55am

  46. 46: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Only my honest opinion, Daria. :P Here, take that tongue and put it to good use!
    Hehe…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:05am

  47. 47: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol! *blush*

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:09am

  48. 48: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “Other men might stick around, but they’re likely to be men who are a) blinded by lust and willing to put up with an unreasonable compromise (“I commit; you date around until we’re married), or b) guys who are so WEAK that they are not likely to command respect from the women who insist on CDing in front of them.”

    ….. circular dating. For J and I, it is what gave him the push to realize he might just lose me. Because if he isn’t ready and I am, then why again should I give up my timeline and he not give up his? We hear “ladies, guys have a different timeline than you do. You need to let go of your timelines.” when what I think we should be hearing instead is “men, ladies have different timelines than you do. You need to learn how to let go of your timelines if you don’t want to lose her to someone who can.”

    Rather than be taken for granted for several years, I found a man who appreciated that there is competition out there…who wasn’t intimidated or afraid of that competition and who vowed to win the prize. He was confident enough to know that no matter who I went to dinner with, ultimately, I was going to end up in his arms.

    Yes, I was a challenge for him to win, but ummm…isn’t that what guys like? Don’t they like a little competition so they feel good about winning? Or would they really rather have a woman who is all about them and willing to sit around and wait (maybe cook dinner while she waits or throw his laundry in the wash so he can see what a good little wife she’ll be) while he makes up his mind? Is that what “most” guys really want? EWWWWWWW!!!! Thanks, but I’ll be on a date while you figure it out. See ya if you get here in time! :-)

    Hmmm…not sure about “most” of men, but I can tell you what kind of man J is (not exactly Evan’s description above but I’ll try): He was able to rise to the challenge and convince my heart that it was time for my options to no longer remain open. He didn’t ask me to to wait 3 years for him to decide whether or not that’s what he wanted to do. He is fearless of other men, not intimidated and confident (very sexy traits by the way) and WOW…he knows how to convince a girl to choose him over other circular dates. :-)

    I love having a man who was willing to “fight” for me and rise to a challenge and “win” me from all other men on this earth. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.

    And he loves having a woman who has self esteem high enough not to wait 3 years for his decision.

    Thank you “Universe” for giving me the perfect man because one who wanted me to wait until he was ready to grow up would have lost me. One who loved ME and wanted ME…right now…regardless of my age or impending biological clock issues (which seems to be what determines whether we ladies wait 1, 2 or 3 years for a man to make up his mind) and regardless of other men who happen to be in my life at the time.

    Those guys were minor inconveniences to J and he wasted no time in showing me why they weren’t necessary for me either. I didn’t just give exclusivity to him. He earned it.

    Luckiest girl EVER!! My guy grew up FAST when there was competition in the house. Really happy about that because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have waited years for him to do so. :-) And because I am totally attracted to the kind of confidence it takes to win the girl when she’s seeing other guys.

    HOT!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:12am

  49. 49: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker~

    I have no idea where that reference from #35 came from. Maybe I was wishing I was 3 again. ;-)

    Just disregard it.

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:13am

  50. 50: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #40 “the thinking is that she shouldn’t bail on a “good guy” just because he’s not operating on HER timetable.”

    yup, that’s a reasonable summary, Lily. That’s how in udnerstand this, too. And, ok, this may be too onesidedly in favor ofd the guy. But on the other hand, what’s it good for to operate on a much shorter timetable, when guys simply don’t tick that way? It’s like saying you only want to date guys who are more than 7 feet tall. You seriously reduce the pool of candidates, because in reality, there aren’t so many of those guys. You seem to want a kind of instant relationship, a recipe for a great guy asking you to marry him within six months.

    But there is no such recipe in reality. With a ,ot of luck, it may work out that way, but there’s no guarantee. And it may be you kick Mr. Right out of your life just because he couldn’t adjust to the thought of marriage “until death do us part” in half a year. There simply is no golden rule. You have to apply your own intuition and judgment to decide if a guy is worth giving him more time!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:19am

  51. 51: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    *35*

    hee hee, what a dorklet.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:21am

  52. 52: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe. I agree with Daria. I feel amused. And also incredibly flattered and loved and desired. It would feel GREAT to have a guy pursuing me this hardcore. (I don’t want you dating anyone else, I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else, etc.) He sees it just like a man would see it. I don’t even want to change his mind. I like this part of him!

    Gosh, if I stand in the stream of that love, I can really feel it. Wow. Big smiles. I can see his face. Not E.’s face of course (hehe!) but him, the one. He would say the same stuff too. And he’s saying it because he loves me. Awww… thank you honey!

    And yet *I* still get to decide. If I feel safe with this man, then maybe that will mean yes to exclusivity. Or not…

    Regardless, I get to decide. Her rules, his rules, their rules… **I** still decide. ME.

    I never really believed / understood that until just this past year. All my other relationships, I believed that the decision was made for me, ala “he picked me, he picked me”. My girl felt so grateful for the attention that she forgot to make an informed decision.

    Or maybe she did, and I’m just making up a story to make myself feel better. ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:22am

  53. 53: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker re 1107 on the previous thread,

    That is fine. Apology accepted.

    I actually like working through differences of opinion on here because it is good practice for me for when I deal with the same in the real world!

    So thanks for the practice! ;-)

    And also for the lovely compliments that my Mr Right will show up soon. That made me feel really warm and melty! :-)

    I feel excited and positive.

    Yay.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:26am

  54. 54: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker: “But on the other hand, what’s it good for to operate on a much shorter timetable, when guys simply don’t tick that way?”

    That’s why you date lots of them. Because the one who steps up is the one closer to being where you are in the timeline. That way, nobody has to change. If I want to get married soon, then I need to date a man who wants to get married soon. The guys who aren’t that far along can date other women (who also aren’t that far along) and nobody has to compromise. The only thing is though….a girl’s gotta circular date until she finds that one who is on board with what she’s feeling. If he feels it for her, his own timeline might just change. Especially if he knows she’s the one and he might lose her to a man who is more ready (I call it “grown up”) than he is.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:27am

  55. 55: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #44
    “There simply is no golden rule. You have to apply your own intuition and judgment to decide if a guy is worth giving him more time!” I agree with this.

    And if you read what Rori wrote in the top article :”but most women I know and work with (and I’m one of those women) – can’t really handle a relationship that’s in “limbo” – especially if they want children and are already in their 30′s.

    There are attentive men out there who are good boyfriends but still quite difficult, and are actually hiding that they’re non-commit-able or still in love with their ex or have a thing for another woman in town – because they don’t really know it themselves.”

    Do you ‘get’ that?

    And Lurker, for the record *I* am not looking for an “instant relationship” and a great guy asking to marry me in six months. This is a false assumption on your part.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:29am

  56. 56: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know how long a comment stays in moderation if you didn’t say anything bad about the guest poster here? I used his name, but was only honest and not mean. I like my comment though and would like to see how some of you feel about it.

    I’m impatient! LOL

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:30am

  57. 57: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker: I’m feeling a little sad that you didn’t answer my questions on the previous posts. What gives?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:31am

  58. 58: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    With cd and no exclusivity, and what Rori teaches is that commitment does happen in about 6 months.

    No worries about ‘kicking mr right’ out… There will be other mr rights… Or he’ll be back. Men are like water, I dont have to hold on to them for fear of losing ‘the one’

    Rori doesn’t believe in soulmates… And I don’t either. Just relationships.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:31am

  59. 59: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    46: SB~ YAY! Have you been in my head??

    Isn’t that the whole premise behind all of these “guidelines” from ALL coaches. There is so much value in all of them, so much to read, so much to learn and so much to implement, IF I chose to.

    *I* get to decide, Me, myself and I, on how to apply and when to apply the guidelines. As in, what works for ME and how do I feel about myself at any given time and how do I best apply what I have learned to what is going on in my life, right now.

    There is no right or wrong answer, in my opinion, only what works for me and helps me to feel better. It feels great to be open to all suggestions.

    And today, I feel like a freaking Rock Star.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:32am

  60. 60: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I Am looking for a great guy to ask me to marry him in six months. I think that 3-6 months is what it takes.

    I know my guys are weeding themselves out and ‘fretting’ themselves if they can provide what I want, as soon as I bring it up. Maybe 2 weeks.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:34am

  61. 61: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    All – so sorry – I wanted to be careful not to be rude about Evan, and so any comments from anyone new or old using his name in any form went to moderation first – and I wasn’t fast enough to retrieve them quickly. Thank you SO much for your loveliness! I’ll stay on it today – and – end the filter if I can…Love, Rori

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:35am

  62. 62: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I just finished reading The List, and it’s been eye opening experience on many levels. When it talks about how the man will take up all of my time and pursue and call and… and… and…

    I felt myself back up. Like literally. My brain said “whoa doggy. You’re moving too fast.”

    It’s always been ME holding back or pushing away. I’m seeing that crystal clear.

    I actually like my life like it is right now. I think a part of me wants to believe a man would make my life better. But maybe I really am okay alone. Wrong word… not alone, but without a male relationship. Even that isn’t right. I have male relationships, just not this primary love relationship. So I don’t know what’s the word for that. I just feel okay.

    I NEVER imagined I would actually get to this place. Never eva. Okay alone? I used to call bullshit about that. Reading The List really illuminated the places where I have inner resistance to a relationship. Just the description of a “good” relationship made me freak out. LOL!

    Giggles. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

    And then my Bryon Katie stuff kicks in and says “I’m willing to have a male romantic relationship because I do want to learn about myself.”

    I’m willing. I’m scared, excited, unsure, hesitant, but willing.

    Has anyone really sat down and written what life looks like with your man? And I mean really thought about the day to day?

    He contacts me every day.
    He wants my time every day.
    He wants sex every day.
    He’s around all the time.

    I can read that entire list as both negative and positive. Ha!

    My arms feel tingly. My chest feels warm.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:36am

  63. 63: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker Dude…Wow!

    “Just be aware that this may mean that the guy is putting you on too high a pedestal, with the risk that your totally natural human flaws may result in an ugly wake up for him. So, you may want to know if he uses this as a compliment, or maybe teasingly, or if he’s rather in love with his imagination of you than your real self.”

    Very interesting to me (in a good way) that a man gets that men do this.

    This very “pedestal” scenario is what brought me to Rori in the first place. DangerousDavis was convinced before he even met me (we connected on Match) that I was THE ONE. He told his parents he’d “met her.” He went on and on and on about how incredible I was. I had nowhere to go but down off that pedestal the second I was just…Boomer…with my four kids and my crazy job and my sarcastic take on things and my occasional body image issues.

    I saw Davis online yesterday for the first time in four months, and I took a chance said hi on chat. (I have very much avoided him and finally feel comfortable just saying hi with no angst, so I feel fine with initiating the hello). He asked what I thought had happened to us–because he could not pinpoint it, but I chose not to engage. I just said, “I guess we weren’t for each other.” And he said, “I suppose not.” But I am very wary of the pedestal phenomenon, what C.C. (yet ANOTHER coach–will I get moderated???) calls “instant relationship” after my experience with Davis.

    It just was a nice surprise that a dude gets that men can do this and that it’s hurtful. Not that women don’t do this (boy, DO we!)–but it just seems weird when a man gets all gooey over a woman so soon. It feels soooooo good to have someone think you put the sun in the sky, but it’s false if it’s too soon. And I am aware of the potential heartache now.

    Lurker, how did you know that men do this? Have you done it? Is it common knowledge among men that they can be bitterly disappointed when a woman does not live up to the fantasy? Do they get that it’s a mistake of their own making? or do they really just cling to the fantasy of meeting and bedding Miss America with PhD?

    I kid about that last part (I tease my brothers about this all the time–they think they deserve the perfect woman)…but really–are you aware that you do this? How common is it?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  64. 64: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #60 LG, what questions? Must have overlooked, or forgetten about them. I was away for rl dates yesterday. Will search for them now.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  65. 65: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! Hard to follow the post references with the numbers changing as posts go in and out of moderation.

    I feel confused.

    Perhaps I will make some tea and come back after things have settled down a bit. :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  66. 66: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, The List says 30 days til a guy makes his intentions clear.

    And I like what you said about relationships and not soulmates. When I was at my ex’s wedding, I started thinking when I get married again I’d like to say (instead of ’til death do us part’) that I’d say “I’ll love you till I don’t” or something like that. I haven’t found the right words but I know the feeling I want. Something that my brain will actually believe. :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  67. 67: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Lurker

    “You girls only see the sunny side up here. Not the still handsome, but also chaotic and confused other half, that needs some hard work before being of any use in a relationship.”

    Aww, but we love those parts of you!

    Well speaking for myself I prefer men not to be too perfect anyway. Too perfect makes me feel uncomfortable and doesn’t feel authentic.

    A little bit of chaos and confusion feels interesting/exciting to me, as long as it is not all the time and is not too much drama.

    Me likey!

    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:40am

  68. 68: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #61 Daria,

    Clap! Clap! Clap! :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:40am

  69. 69: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lurker! Thanks Rori!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:42am

  70. 70: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – yeah u called bs on me feeling good single… And I felt all confused… Lol

    Like huh? But it IS fun! Lol

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  71. 71: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a feeling, and there is no logic to it, that a guy will know within 6 months if he wants to marry me.

    Just my feeling!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  72. 72: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I think that what Lurker said about PG – not the typical girl next door and therefore smaller pool of compatible men – is true of many of us here (in a variety of ways) – and is part of the “problem.”

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  73. 73: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    51 and 57: Mercedes

    Here here, sister woman.

    I love they way you say it.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  74. 74: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon I want a life long relationship so till death do u’s part feels good to me.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:50am

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks lily

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:50am

  76. 76: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    66 Shannon:

    “I’ll love you till I don’t”

    Hahaha! I love this. I am going to use this.

    Not that I ever see getting married…AGAIN.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:51am

  77. 77: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I would like to be asked to be married within 6 months please!

    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:51am

  78. 78: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I think we have an unending pool of men available to us… if we want it!

    ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:53am

  79. 79: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    78, Ella, I agree witht he never-ending pool theory. I’ve dated every available man in my metro area in the last four years. Heehee. Now, for some reason, The Universe is sending me awesome men from surrounding cities (2 hour radius) who realllllly seem willing to make the drive and give it a try. It’s interesting.

    Never-ending pool, indeed.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:55am

  80. 80: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    63 Boomer. That’s kinda what happened with WH. Before we met he said, “I have imagined you – you don’t want a steak, you want an adventure.” (which was true :)) and also “I have imagined a date with you and I like the date.” I immediately felt concerned about living up to his imaginings!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:55am

  81. 81: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Hehehe, LG, your comment #979 on the other thread!
    :D
    Yeah, those are circumstances where my online girlfriend often thinks of me, too! Lol.
    Hmm, didn’t you talk later about synchronicity? See!

    Well, thx for the compliments! But firstly, I’m a guy who is honest about himself, I hate bragging. That’s just how I are. And secondly, I’m really not a good choice for a relationship right now, so you ladies shouldn’t waste any thoughts about me, pls. And fyi, it’s useless to google me, I didn’t use that pseudonym before. Ok?

    Also, I’m still foolishly in love with another girl I know only virtually, as my next comment will show.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:59am

  82. 82: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    62 Shannon. That list sounds Very good to me – with the right man. I was thinking just last night that I really do want sex every day.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:00am

  83. 83: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    59:

    Should have been to SS not SB~

    Sorry, was totally trying to multi-task at work. Epic failure.

    ;-)

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:02am

  84. 84: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Mercedes, it’s not about who gets their timeline followed, it’s about meeting people with similar timelines. If you already have the 3 C’s-compatibility, communication and chemistry and the timing its way off, it’s a source of frustration and friction for both people and might even possibly cause the relationship to fail. But if you have all 3 AND are on the same page timeline wise, that’s when it feels like the starts and planets have aligned and everything just feels easy, natural and right….

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:03am

  85. 85: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Unfortunately how I feel about the words I quoted were edited out. Not fair, but that’s how it works today I guess. I wasn’t even being mean…just told how they came across to me. If something comes across in a less than perfect way to me, I have to either hold it in or have it edited out. Unfortunately, negative feelings are not welcome here this morning.

    I think I better take the day off. I sent quite a rant into moderation (on purpose) and I’m done now. Enjoy the day ladies.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:05am

  86. 86: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #84

    I agree with that LD. It has also been my experience in life thus far as well.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:06am

  87. 87: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #85

    Sorry Mercedes. This is how that “other blog” always operates. One doesn’t have to wonder why.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:09am

  88. 88: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe. Daria, now I feel embarrassed. Blush. It’s still triggering me to hear you say it. :D

    In my brain saying “I’ll love you til I don’t” still means forever (til death). It just takes out the “I have to decide right now how I’ll feel in 50 years”… I dunno. In my brain it makes sense.

    Oh and I started skin brushing.

    And I’ve been practicing skipping posts too.

    Some of what you’re doing is starting to sink in! ;-) Thank you for your influence and presence in my life!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:10am

  89. 89: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    But we’re not talking about the other blog. We’re talking about this one…where how we feel about things has always been encouraged. Where being triggered was a good thing. Where sharing what was going on with us was a necessary part of our journeys.

    Now…at least for this particular post, that’s all wrong.

    Okay…now I’m out.

    Take care everyone

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:12am

  90. 90: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I suddenly feel nervous. After spending the entire weekend with me and meeting both my parents and my kids, today one of my girlfriends, my sister and my mom have all bombarded D with fb requests at the same time. I am all about the recharge time after the weekend for both of us, but I feel afraid that my family and friends will overwhelm him and scare him off. I know it’s just my NVs trying to stir up trouble like they always do, so I’m trying to figure out how to make them shut up!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:15am

  91. 91: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I feel fearful reading that belief of needing a ‘special kind’ of man. That belief kept me stuck before I changed it.

    I believe I am unique. I believe human beings are unique.

    I believe I can have relationship with men who are not me, and many men.

    I used Roris techniques of dating guys i didnt find attractive and practicing telling the truth, and using my masculine energy on myself.

    Then I grew. I was able to find More men attractive (than the tiny pool of what I found attractive based on past experience). It happened gradually, over many mAny men.
    I have the illogical fear that finding a mam attractive that I didn’t previously will cause me to wind up choosing a man who is icky (to my old self). That doesn’t make sense as what’s important is he’s attractive to my new self.

    It’s been helpful very helpful to me to date the 90% of my dates that I did not find attractive.

    Because now all men are drawn to me. Even Lurker. :).

    Even ones I Do find attractive and did in the past. And I still got triggered with those and made mistakes, and let them go. And more came and more and more are coming.

    A big part of the practice is Shifting My Attraction. So that I’m Not just attracted to a small pool of men w certain quirks.

    Roris ideas that there’s not one soulmate to hold onto or lose, but rather that a feminine woman can have a Fulfilling relationship with Any masculine healthy male that cones around her… Helped.

    And that a man does not necessarily need to absorb me.

    I can absorb myself. This was Challenging. I was previously only Into, guys I could be Into. Guys I found interesting. Where my energy flowed into Them. I was drawn.

    I’m just now coming out of this.

    Just now finding how to soothe my own loneliness.

    Because I felt bored with Me. And so I knew that if I didn’t have a partner to ne into, I’d be bored… As I already was.

    and what that was about was… Not feeling fulfilled in myself, in my life and what people might call purpose.

    Not living in my dreams.

    Writing this I’m realizing that ManCD, who I was attracted to, was Not a guy I was ‘into.’. Rather I was into myself, and my dreams, and he affirmed me. And that felt good.

    He was even going to come to brazil with me. And in the past I thought this wouldn’t work for a man with children. So I said, ok and what about your daughter.., she could come live here half the year, or a season like the summer. He’s like, yes. As in really, he meant that, he was really planning on how this would work. And he thought he won’t Be able to provide for the family I want right away.

    This was big for me as I never talked to a man with kids about actually going with me, and I felt So Surprised that this was going to work in his mind.

    And I felt attracted to him. But not ‘into’ him. Not needing him to fulfill my life do I wouldn’t feel bored.

    That’s on me. And I Can do it. The bus trip to the end of the line that I took as my inner child date – proved it to me.

    So now I cam allow a man to be around me, love me…,

    But not fulfill me. Because that’s for me to do. And if he does it for me, I’ll grow out of it, eventually.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:17am

  92. 92: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #63 Well, Boomer, I’m Dangerous Davis’ twin! Virtually. Call me Dangerous, uh, Lurker.

    Yeah, I feel in love with a girl I met online, too. And I got carried away in the same degree. For me, it was partly roleplaying, replacing too much of the missing informations with my imagination, as well as honest admmiration for her personality. And it wasn’t as simply as putting her on a podestal, as a flawless statue. But I was aware of her flaws, too, she was very honest about them, and even those shortcommings appealed to me because I saw that I could compensate them. So, it really looked like a great, if not perfect match to me, a balanced mixture of similarities and differences in our characters.

    And for some time, it looked like she was seeing that, too. But then she started to cool down noticeably. I guess it may have been that it was the same as with your online friendship, that I got carried away too much. I don’t know, because she never gave me a good explanation.

    Just like you didn’t give a good explanation to Davis, Boomer. Really, why do you girls act that way? Do you have any idea how much more heartbreak hurts when you have no clue what triggered your girl to run away? Is there any good reason not to provide an honest explanation, really? Sry, Boomer but you triggered me very much with your story. Not to say, you poked into an unhealed wound.

    Ok, dunno how your Dangerous guy feels now, but I have cooled a bit down since then. Even though it still hurts a bit. Of course, I know that in real life, it may never have really worked out, the chemistry could have been wrong, or other stuff may have made this look differently. But I still wonder what could have been. And I felt like maybe getting another chance when she contacted me recently again, too. It would really be a very small chance, since there are other real life hurdles standing between us. But, damn, I want that chance! If only to screw up again. What would life be like without taking risks sometimes?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:19am

  93. 93: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    81 Lurker. The girl you are in love with might be here among us you know… with a pseudonym …

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:20am

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    There are no negative feelings.

    There is violent communication, such as blame, judgements and attacks.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:21am

  95. 95: LDNo Gravatar says:

    yes, Lurker, we DO have an idea how much more heartbreak hurts when we have no clue what triggered someone we were dating to run away. We call those men “poofers” here and this blog is full of stories of men who “poofed” on many of us…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:23am

  96. 96: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love you Shannon. Thank you for being here and validating and supporting me – sonetimes ive felt you carried me and my dreams when I puddled. Like Jesus!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:24am

  97. 97: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #91″Because now all men are drawn to me. Even Lurker. :)”

    Hehehe! Yeah, right. But, to be honest, it’s only about sex. And you want more than that, Daria! So, no good match. Make an educated choice among those other guys!
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:24am

  98. 98: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #93 “The girl you are in love with might be here among us you know”
    Lucy, that idea came up in my mind, too. However, the chances for this to happen are very low.
    But if it would happen that would be a sign! I’m as superstitious as LG or PG when it comes to synchronicity and sweird coincidences. I suspect it’s the hand of the great movie director in heaven showing in this!
    :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:30am

  99. 99: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    “Do you have any idea how much more heartbreak hurts when you have no clue what triggered your girl to run away?”

    Guilty. I vow to never do that again. I know all too well how much it hurts from playing hide and go seek off and on for five years… (poof and re-appear, I call it hide and go seek only now, I don’t “seek” any more.)

    Ouch.

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:32am

  100. 100: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes 48 (or your post which ends with “HOT”). Amen! I feel inspired and encouraged and joyful reading that. :) Thank you. <3

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:32am

  101. 101: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love you Shannon. Thank you for being here and validating and supporting me – sonetimes ive felt you carried me and my dreams when I puddled. Like Jes*us!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:43am

  102. 102: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    “the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys.”

    “If he’s not your boyfriend in 2-3 months MAX, you’re OUT the door.”

    I feel curious as to how a conversation would go between a woman and a man who hasn’t committed to being your boyfriend within the first 2 months of dating. Evan says that we’re supposed to play it cool, not put any pressure on a man, etc. But then we’re supposed to just walk away after two months if we don’t get what we want? Well how is a man supposed to know what we want if we can’t talk about it (i.e. not putting any pressure on him). Wouldn’t it seem odd if we just said to him “Well you haven’t asked me to be your girlfriend, so I’m out”? Maybe I’m misunderstanding, but I feel really interested to know how to handle this kind of situation.

    Also, the way that I understand Circular Dating is not the way that EMK describes it (“I commit; you date around until we’re married”). To me it goes both ways. If I can date around, so can the guy. I don’t ask and I don’t care. The men I date know that I am open to commitment if they are. Even the “girlfriend” type commitment. But I make sure that they know that I don’t want to be the “for now” girlfriend and that I want a life long commitment at some point. If things are going well and I see great potential and we have similar values around marriage and kids, then why not give a good guy a chance as Rori puts it.

    But it’s that process in the beginning of choosing the good guy where most of the CDing happens. In my experience it takes a while to get to know someone and to see different sides of them. Why should I date just one guy and close down my options when I don’t feel like I know him all that well yet. I may not know right away what he is looking for and I might decide after a couple of months that I don’t really like him all that much anyway. And in the meantime he may be dating other women as well without my knowledge, and that’s ok, but I reserve the right to do the same. I don’t want to pass on the opportunity of dating a guy who is good for me just because I happened to meet this other guy a few days earlier and am now not allowed to date other men. It seems to me that all this advice only benefits the men and not myself, therefore I respectfully decline to not CD.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:43am

  103. 103: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol! :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  104. 104: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria 91. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I don’t feel fearful about that belief myself – I feel good about it. I don’t have the experience you described of feeling lonely, unfulfilled, bored with my life, etc. That’s part of why I am willing to wait for a man who suits me better than the men I have dated thus far (and I also have dated many men I wasn’t attracted to). I would rather stay single than marry a man I don’t feel mutual admiration and adoration with. YMMV. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:46am

  105. 105: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    99 Lurker. There is an interesting and attractive man I’ve recently connected with online and I am not talking about him on here very much bc I have reason to believe he might be a lurker2. Hehe.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:53am

  106. 106: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Okay… I have to share my silly online horoscope I get delivered to my mailbox every morning… it’s usually so weird and the good ones don’t happen but this cracked me up… kinda gave me tingles too….

    “You could content yourself with saying that it isn’t the moment yet, T. You will know what we are talking about. You are in the situation of a woman who has just ordered a new car, a rare, imported model that won’t be ready for four months. While you are waiting you are going to have to keep busy. Why not brush up on your driving skills? Or better yet, take a “crash” course on car racing.”

    hmmm… lmao… yeah, I’ve been taking the “crash” course… dang.. thank goodness for seat belts…

    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:53am

  107. 107: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I feel bad reading your post. It feels sad.

    I usually feel unheard communicating with you.

    I feel frustrated.

    I feel angry at you and sad.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:53am

  108. 108: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    #9 Lurker: “That’s why Rori should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy.”

    She actually does put a strong emphasis on this. I have several of her products that point this out. The main reason being safety, from my understanding. Also she advocates full honesty and says to be prepared for a man to walk away once you tell him that you have slept with someone else after having slept with him.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:54am

  109. 109: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #99 Lurker..

    oooh I like this..
    “I suspect it’s the hand of the great movie director in heaven showing in this!”
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:54am

  110. 110: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda this is from the last thread… I answered there before I knew there was a new post….
    1058: Brenda says:

    Prairie Girl,

    RE: #1033 – “It makes my heart feel bad to live the online/phone only contact… so basically these boring guys I’m “practicing” on are NOT REAL.. they are only phone/text…”

    I’m having the same experience. I think more and more that these men are hiding behind the screen. Maybe they lack people skills? Or courage? I am so frustrated by the number of men I’ve “met” online that I never MET!!!
    —————————————
    Brenda sometimes it makes me feel better to think/believe that the Universe or God is protecting me from unwanted energies by not letting me meet them… I like what Daria has said to me in the past about raising my energy so that I am not so caught up in theirs.. but I’m not always vibrating high enough for that… I would be effected by them in ways I just don’t need to be..

    That’s why I’ve made my request of God that I have…that they’re not allowed to come if they are not beneficial.. or if they are going to have a negative effect… then I can kinda laugh about the situations that keep them from coming…

    One guys books bands for a 2nd job and his bass player got arrested and he had to go to Arkansas the pm before our date…

    One had to go move his brother who suddenly got a divorce..That was lawmancowboy and it broke my heart he didn’t come.. but that was after I told him not to if he felt a check in his spirit from God… that was my first gut reaction, but my cousin talked me out of it saying that we had such a connection that I should at least explore it…so he said he’d come then had to go move his bro…

    The one that still calls, Iowa, wanted to come this past weekend and I said he could only if my kids went to see their dad.. and they didn’t.. so…

    One I told no.. he was just not right… 13 yrs older, lived on a big ranch 13 hours away from me in the opposite direction of my kids dad.. I’m not moving them farther away from their dad if I can help it.. and he bored me…and had another big strike…

    That doesn’t make it feel better all the time though…

    Hugs to you… I’m with ya on trying to learn to trust the process of growth…

    Play/practice on the ones “in the box” if and when it feels good I say… and if you have something better to do then do it instead… They will show up in real life… eventually… lol… I just try and take it as a good thing that they don’t all show up…

    Angels on your body.
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:58am

  111. 111: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dropping you’s

    Lucy – i feel dissapointed to read that. I feel frustrated and sad. I feel helpless.

    Hmmm … This is a trigger about my mom when she was feeling depressed not sharing her feelings with me.

    I feel shut out! It hurts to see you torturing yourself this way!

    Ugh.

    Feeling like… Cut it off and run away.

    Pain in my cheek and tummy. Tension.

    Anger.

    Fear…

    It feels bad to read that. You have every right to do what you want but I feel bad to see you in pain.

    Feeling afraid.

    Feeling sad.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:59am

  112. 112: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    #11 LD

    It makes me feel so happy and hopeful reading your story. This is exactly what I am trying to achieve by CDing and it feels wonderful knowing that it works. I wish you all the best.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  113. 113: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel sad that you feel bad reading my post. :( I feel confused about why it felt bad to you. I feel okay with us having different feelings and needs and wants about relationships. I feel puzzled bc I *think* it *seems* that you want me to think/feel/want the same things you do in relationship. I totally hear and accept what you think/feel/want. :(

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  114. 114: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Now I feel a bit bad reading what lurker wrote to me.

    I have a trigger about me getting ‘big headed’ about the attention from men. I feel afraid this will push them away.

    It feels exciting and fun to get lots of attention

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:05am

  115. 115: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Still feeling quiet and tense around the trigger with my mom.

    I love my quietness and tenseness.

    I feel left out! I feel lonely and rejected. I love my loneliness and rejectedmrss.

    That feels like, a lil pressure on my right side of my head.., I love the pressure on the right side of my head.

    And that feels like… Smiling… I love my smile… And that feels like… Big breath… I love my big breath… :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:08am

  116. 116: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow Daria. Double post love! ;-) Thank you for being you. I love you my beautiful friend!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:10am

  117. 117: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It also seems that when I get ‘big headed’ it can be a ‘competition’ thing and i don’t want to compete with my man.., puts me in masculine energy.

    Hmm.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:11am

  118. 118: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    LD, I have a few questions for you. You said that by not having sex you weeded out the men who were only after you for sex even if they promised more. So, if they promised more what made you believe they were only after you for sex? What did they promise that made you believe they were insincere? Did any of them ask you for exclusivity?

    Also, what made you choose to be exclusive with D within the first month without the fear that he was only after you for sex?

    I don’t mean any of these questions as a judgement or criticism. I am curious because I face similar situations and really want to learn how to handle them and to be able to tell if the guy is only after me for sex even though he’s promising me all these wonderful things.

    I really hope you respond and thank you in advance.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:13am

  119. 119: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #106 Lucy Who knows? However, “Lucy” doesn’t trigger much in my mind. Even though I have an online girlfriend who likes to tease me. Would be SO like her to take my football away!
    :D

    #109 Scarlet, thx for that info! Well, I haven’t bought anything from Rori yet. After all, I’m a guy…

    110 PG
    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:13am

  120. 120: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel annoyed and kinda angry reading judgments here. :(

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:15am

  121. 121: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    92 Lurker. I was not clear, I suppose. And he and I did meet and date for about five weeks and had incredible, smoking hot, intense, cosmic chemistry. Other folks here know that DangerousDavis was borderline DANGEROUS. He was just this side of toxic. And I was addicted to him in a short time (lots of future talk, lots of “I wanna take care of you” talk).

    But HE’s the one who “poofed” on me. I did not disappear on him. He’s the one who helped me learn that “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.” He was not the right man. When I told him that I was feeling overwhelmed by the speed and intensity of our budding relationship, he said he really felt un-pressured and appreciated my stance. But then he never called again. I wroe countless emails, ran them past thesirens here, and got soundly scolded here (lol-Femininewoman/ Power???) for even wanting to send them. So I did not send them. I did not call him. And he never called me or contacted me again.

    Seeing him online last night–my heart caught in my throat–I still think about him occasionally. And it has been hard to get over him. The CDing really facilitated that though. I bet I’ve met 30 men in that time. So, saying hi to him last night was a step–because I finally do feel like I am not tied to an outcome with him (wanting him to want me again was the outcome I would have been seeking had I said hi before now). And notice that he has not said hi to me in four months. So, no, I did not poof on him. No need to feel triggered, Lurk, if I am understanding you correctly. He broke my heart–and brought me to this blog. I was just saying that I did not feel the need to examine the break-up with him last night when he asked, “So what happened with us?” Was I supposed to say, “Umm, jerk, you never called me!”?? . No sense in it. SO I just said, “We were not a match, I guess.”

    Anyhoo, I’m sorry OnlineWoman broke your heart. it sucks. It feels real sometimes even when it’s not, doesn’t it? In my case, it was real and hot and intense…but not healthy. And I’m just now over it.

    Thanks for your insight into the pedestal placing.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:21am

  122. 122: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    PG: Love ya! Miss ya!

    Mwah!

    Boomie

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:21am

  123. 123: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #98

    Thanks for sharing your story Turquoise :). It illustrates well how “just the concept” of cd’ing after being exclusive gets both parties examining what they really want for their future.

    I’m single now, but I too wish I’d found Rori when I was in my troubled relationships. Ofcourse now I hope I will have better skills to avoid getting into troubled relationships in the first place. ;)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:23am

  124. 124: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #123 Boomer
    LOVE AND MISS YOU TOOO!!!!!!!!!
    Hugs & kisses & angels on your body!!!!….
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:23am

  125. 125: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #115 “I have a trigger about me getting ‘big headed’ about the attention from men.”
    Hey, you’re a good looking young girl, probably with a sexy body, too. Only natural that you get lots of attention. And why not be proud about his? It’s ok, imho.

    However, that doesn’t make it easier to find the right guy(s) among those who want to date you. Those who not only want sex, but the whole package! Imho that’s what you should focus on, not on blaming yourself.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:25am

  126. 126: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    98: turquoise3

    Camile, your story really touched me. I see growth in you here already. Not like you need ME to tell you that–you know it.

    But you are a cool chick.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:25am

  127. 127: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel amazed sometimes when the most innocuous statements end up triggering people. I feel grudgingly accepting that that is the nature of triggers. I feel yucky when I am “the messenger” (MB term for the one who delivers the trigger). I feel comforted knowing that it’s not really about me. There is a part of me though that still feels the yucky-feeling “scapegoat pattern” of my family of origin which says “It IS about you.” That’s where My trigger is. I intend to heal this completely. Thank you.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:28am

  128. 128: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlet,

    I don’t know how to explain it, but it was more just listening to my gut instead of believing everything I was told automatically. Like in the case of RichGuy, one of my CDs who told me to quit my job and he’d support me. My gut said just to wait it out a little more and not have sex with him and sure enough, he poofed.

    I think the key is to do only what feels right to you, not let any man tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling. And when something feels wrong or bad to you, just dive into those feelings and figure out where they are coming from. The toxic men or the ones who are just looking for sex usually show their true colors eventually. You just have to wait them out…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:28am

  129. 129: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #122 Boomer, I see that your story is very much different! And so not your fault. Sry for jumping to false conclusions. And, damn, I can really feel your pain. It would be much easier to get over this if there was an explanation. Without it, the questions come up in our minds every other day, right?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:30am

  130. 130: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    PG, fasten your seat belt, girl. Looks like you’re in for a bumpy ride!!!!

    I love that horoscope. It is SO fitting for you right now. Here’s a little thought–maybe you can just focus on “dating like a man” for awhile/

    I have a psychic friend (seriously, I believe she is–she used to be a VP of human resources and left that life to pursue her intuitive abilities). She told me once when I was lamenting the absence of a relationship that “The Powers” (God, the gods, The Universe, however you see that) said I need to not worry about that–this time was to be used for “f-ing everything that moves.” And I quote!!! It was hilarious and so right.

    That’s when I read “Be Honest, You’re Not that Into Him Either” and “Date Like a Man,” and I did just that: I dated like a man for several months. Four lovers simultaneously? Hahahaha! Yeah, I saw that challenge and raised if four or five men ;) It was all safe, and I did not swap them back and forth, but I also just removed my guilty limitations and pursued interesting interactions and occasional pleasure as it felt right with no expected outcome. It helped my self-esteem and my balance tremendously. I may need to get back to that…hmmm…could be interesting…

    Maybe it will work for you?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:36am

  131. 131: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker, it Is nice when they give an explanation, but then you’re still left with “are they telling the truth? is that the Real reason?” etc. I have one like that who still haunts me. And even if it Is the real reason, it doesn’t actually help all that much.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:38am

  132. 132: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    130, Lurk: Yep, it took until about last week. It took four months and 30+ other men to get me over him. And even though I KNOW he is dangerous and bad for me…damn, son, were were SMOKING HOT together. I kind of figured it out–and am not surprised he poofed honestly–when about 3 weeks into dating, he said he see us being “FWB” if it all didn’t work out.

    A man does NOT say that to a woman he takes seriously as a relationship woman. He will not risk offending her–am I right? I was offended, but as this was “pre-Rori,” I did not know how to respond and I hoped he was kidding/just talking/just riffing. Like we say here on the blog, a man tells you very, very early where his head is…you just have to listen and see it.

    I’m sorry your online lady hurt you. I recommend going out and meeting real, live, soft, breathing women! Go Lurker, go!!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  133. 133: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Where is SLV these days????

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:48am

  134. 134: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I REALLY miss you, SLV! <3

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:51am

  135. 135: AnnaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    I have a side question I was wondering if I could get your advice on. My bf and I went to his mother’s house for Easter last night (this is the first time since we broke up a year ago (we have been working to get back together ever since, but we still have been in label I guess broken up, but not really in action…anyways that is a different post) that we have done family things together on his side…he came with me to a family thing a few weeks back on my side. ) I would like to send his mother a small email to say thank you again for last night, but I don’t know if I should. Do you think it is too much? If you think I should, what should I say?

    Thanks in advance, I really appreciate any help with this. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:58am

  136. 136: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #133 Yes, Boomer, if you didn’t do anything to cool the relationship down, him coming up with that FWB idea was a real warning sign. So sad for you!
    And thx for the encouragement to go out more! Well, I’m already flirting in rl, and thx to the positive feedback from you ladies here, with increased self confidence nowadays. So, all is good!
    :-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:01pm

  137. 137: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #131 Boomer
    LOL… Like a man huh? Interesting…I don’t know if that would help me right now though….the thing I feel most desiring of in my life at the moment is the experience of actual “relationship”…. I was married for 12 yrs and was alone…no communion/communication….everything I said was used against me at some point…. and sex was …well…an obligation to keep peace in the house…

    I want more than sex… more than a one nighter…or even a two nighter…I want a day to day…be part of my life & me part of his…
    I don’t want to “date”… I want to live..

    Wow…it’s interesting what I learn about myself writing here….

    I sometimes don’t know it til it comes out of me… My blog did that for a while but some of what is in me is so confuddled…up.. then down.. then up… then down… knowing.. then clueless…then knowing again…

    I love that I can be all of it here and in doing so get to know me….

    Thank you for bringing this up….I enjoyed the sex… but I want more…The sex while fun left a lot to be desired simply because I hadn’t spent enough time with them to have the “connection” I so desire…actually require.

    Hey… think I could have your friends number? lol… I might could use a good psychic I think…

    Love you!
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:05pm

  138. 138: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #136 Anna,
    It’s always appropriate to thank the hostess for a meal. Not sure why you think this is even an issue. As for what to say? Just thank her for a lovely meal and how much you enjoyed seeing her again. No need to mention anything about your relationship with her son.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:08pm

  139. 139: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #132 Lucy,
    I totally agree. And I have a poofer who still haunts me years later too. I’ve learned that genuine “closure” only comes with time- when you just don’t care anymore.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:14pm

  140. 140: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t believe in “just sex”. To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:17pm

  141. 141: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ooh! Jacqueline – I think I may be having a mirror experience that is helping me realize how you felt when you perceived me as trying to “corral” you. I’m realizing that’s how I often perceive Daria’s posts to me – “trying to corral me.” It feels bad. Hard to know how much is us being triggered and how much actually Is the other person trying to corral. I’m sorry for not realizing before how bad it felt to you, and if there was any part of me that Was trying to corral you, I’m sorry. <3 Lucy

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:20pm

  142. 142: AnnaNo Gravatar says:

    #139: Honestly, I don’t know why I think it is either. LOL I think I am just going through a moment.

    THanks! :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:20pm

  143. 143: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    141 Daria. I agree. And I feel puzzled about why I have never had the experience of a man “disappearing after sex.” (Don’t know if that’s related to what you said, but it made me think of it.)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:30pm

  144. 144: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    141. Daria

    “I don’t believe in “just sex”. To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.”

    :-)
    Yah okay…but dating is very much about finding out “why” he is attracted to you (and you to him) and it could be predominantly about the pheromones, chemistry, in that case it would be “just sex”….not to say that deeper and more meaningful intimacy couldn’t develop….but it’s not always the case

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:32pm

  145. 145: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lily 140. Thanks – it feels good when someone agrees with me! :D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:36pm

  146. 146: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I believe I am a victim of “The Pedestal Phenomenon”…too…lots of perfection projection and then when the flaws start peeking out, it turned into
    “you can’t handle the truth!” oh well…

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:36pm

  147. 147: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    EMK says “but the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment.”

    But this is exactly what Circular Dating is about!

    It’s about keeping us “sane” so that we don’t do all those things that are killers for relationship – in his own opinion.

    I think Evan has a valid point, though, from a man’s perspective, about how it might feel to know the woman is dating other men. Because even if CDing *does* boost our confidence, I don’t know that a guy who is really interested in a woman always wants to know that she’s flirting or otherwise entertaining the idea of having a relationship with other guys.

    I think it might all depend on context. Sometimes this might inspire a man to compete. But other times it might make him “give up.”

    I personally have had a problem with communicating my CD status recently. It seems all good in theory. It makes a lot of sense to me. CDing may even be good in practice. But I’m starting to wonder – how much does the guy need to know? If I’m “keeping my options open” that may well empower me to make a better decision in choosing my partner. But does it really help to start out a potentially budding relationship by saying, “by the way, I’m dating other people.” In fact, I am wondering if it may even be worth mentioning because it could fall into the category of “stating the obvious.” If you have just had one date – or not even finished the first date – why would there be any assumption of exclusivity at all? As in, the assumption could be, that of course you (the woman) are going to date other people. That is what the man would do if it doesn’t “work out.” But even if it does, then he won’t. Even if he doesn’t have marriage on his mind at that first meeting, isn’t he still trying to see if it’s going to “work out”? Doesn’t he hope that he’s going to find “the One”? And if he’s not “the One” in that moment – if he’s part of a pool of other guys you are all dating in your mind, while you’re sitting there, having a conversation with him – I can see how that would make him feel “un-special.”

    I was thinking of this in terms of my massage clients. When I am giving a massage to someone, they are the ONLY client in the room. I NEVER mention other clients – and this was part of our ethical training. It is just counterproductive. If the client and I are talking, before or after their session, they are still my ONLY client at that time. Of course they know that I have other clients. And if time is running short, then I will let them know, and they understand that there are other clients who may need my time and skills. But their time is still THEIR time, and nobody else’s.

    So maybe I want to take this more into my dating practice as well. Even if I am “circular dating,” it is still true that when you go on a date, you are only dating that ONE person who is sitting across from you at the table, and that is the ONLY relationship that matters in that moment. Outside of that, maybe you can compare, and see how you feel about one man versus another. But maybe the guy who’s trying to figure out if you are “The One” for him doesn’t need to be distracted by thinking about you dating other women, at least in the beginning. Maybe Circular Dating really is an “inner game,” something we do for ourselves. (And maybe later on, if he’s “stalling” that’s where telling him can work to inspire him to want to commit rather than lose you.)

    Anybody have any thoughts?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:37pm

  148. 148: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Re: #145 Elizabeth

    And it works both ways- I’ve had sex with men I was attracted to at the time only to become un-attracted to them after their personalities were further revealed.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:39pm

  149. 149: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #141 “To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.”

    Yeah, sexually attracted, Daria! That doesn’t mean he wants to have any kind of relationship with her.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:45pm

  150. 150: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, here’s a question. (Maybe you guys can help me out with this)…

    How do I respond when my date asks me about past relationships?

    I have heard (and agree) that talking about your exes on the first date is kind of a no-no. But lately, I’ve had a lot of guys asking me about my “history.” First, my mind spins, thinking about what they’re angle is. What do they want to know? what is the real question they are asking? (are they trying to figure out if I will be a good partner for them, by determining how I have behaved in past relationships?)

    Sometimes I stall, by saying that I don’t think it’s good to talk about that on the first date. But usually, I end up saying something about what’s happened in the past, in the course of the discussion, and I always feel bad about it. I don’t think it adds to what is happening in the present.

    Ironically, when I was in my mid-20’s, I thought I was at a disadvantage for not having dated a lot in college or High School. Now I feel like my dating history is a liability and earns the mistrust – not the trust of my dates that I want.

    How can I turn this around?

    Help!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:47pm

  151. 151: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz. All I can say is that I have never had a problem with CDing – never lost a guy over it, etc. But I absolutely make him “the only one” while I am with him… Well, except for that one time I was thinking of TN man while having sex with D… but other than that time, I’m “all his” when I’m with him – whoever he is – and he Feels that – and falls for me – and then has to win me. <3

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:49pm

  152. 152: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    #129 LD

    “The toxic men or the ones who are just looking for sex usually show their true colors eventually. You just have to wait them out…”

    I feel like a lioness on a prowl. Makes me feel all giggly and smiley.

    I have a date with a new guy today who I met through a friend. I feel a little anxious about it. Usually I find it easier to talk to the guys that I meet online about my dating other guys at the same time. I figure that since they met me online they must have some idea. But this new guy has no idea and I don’t know how to bring up something like that. Like “by the way, just so you know, I am dating other people.” I guess it’s my own fear of scaring him away. That’s always been my problem and something that I know I need to work on: operating out of fear that the man will leave me. Fear of rejection has always led me to mold myself into someone I thought the man wanted and someone who wasn’t true to herself. But I just have to keep reminding myself that if he scares so easily it just means that he’s not strong enough to handle someone like me and I will not go chasing after him trying to convince him to be with me.

    I wonder, is it ok to ask a guy what he’s looking for, or should I wait until he brings it up? Is that too leaning forward and putting pressure? Because I would want to know right away instead of wasting my time on a guy who’s only looking for a fling.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:50pm

  153. 153: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 151 Tmizz I have used “do you really want to go there? Because I am sure my record will pale in comparison to yours”. This was not a first date but someone I know well who spoke about himself being “wild”. He just dropped the subject but I am not sure that others would on a first date.

    I am wondering if “I feel bored talking about the past and am feeling confused why you would be interested in something that is irrelevant”.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:53pm

  154. 154: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    IMHO, widespread enabling occuring in modern society is messing with CDing success, or at least making it quite an uphill battle, that is,when it is used in securing a committed relationship.

    Many men and women are spoiled and they want instant gratification, including in relationships. Disposable relationships. Hey, I’m bored. Hey, I’m just not feeling it today. Hey, you’re just not all I thought you were. etc. And hey, there’s always someone else, maybe better, right around the corner….

    I gave the no girlfriend speech after a few dates with one guy, and in hindsight, I swear i think he thought it meant i was into NSA, FWB and casual sex, and subsequently started believed I was just hanging out with him as Mr. Right Now while I was looking for Mr. Right. I have reason to believe that it tainted things from the start, but I’m not going to say that absolutely, because there are many other factors that were in play.

    Still, another stronger guy, one who knows more who he is, and what he wants, might have understood better.

    My new motto is, the less I say, the better.

    Right now, I adopt the concept of CDing to connect with people, in general, to not stay in a shell, to be interested in the world at large, to expand my horizons, stay unlimited

    in order to not lose myself in a relationship with a man, because everything revolves around him and what he is doing, as it relates to me, and us.

    learning more every day!!

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 12:58pm

  155. 155: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I can’t remember anyone ever wanting the lowdown on my past relationships early in dating- that kind of thing always came up naturally once the new relationship was further along and there was a context of sorts for it.

    Could it be these guys who bring it up right away are just bad conversationalists? Can’t think of anything more interesting to talk about?

    It would bug me and I’d use one of the techniques FP suggested and promptly change the subject.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:00pm

  156. 156: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Can someone please let me know what “NV” stands for? I’ve asked before, and I think someone else asked a couple days ago but I may have missed the answer.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:01pm

  157. 157: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    149: Lily T. says:

    Re: #145 Elizabeth

    And it works both ways- I’ve had sex with men I was attracted to at the time only to become un-attracted to them after their personalities were further revealed.

    Yes, Lily, me too…but how long can one wait?

    It takes a very, very long time to really get to know someone, that is my feeling.

    One of the posts, maybe Lurk, said something about taking a risk…it really comes down to that, IMO.

    You make an educated guess based on all the information you have at the time, from your heart and soul, and hope for the best!

    and I don’t believe in soul mates either

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:06pm

  158. 158: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl

    NV = negative voices

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:09pm

  159. 159: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #158
    Yep. I consider sex part of getting to know someone so I usually don’t “wait” more than a month. But there are no guarantees something will “work out” even after several months of chastity. Making an educated guess based on the information at hand and when you feel comfortable personally is my philosophy. And if you aren’t “hoping for the best”, do you need to be “doing” this guy anyway? ;)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:11pm

  160. 160: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lucy & FP!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:18pm

  161. 161: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    And thank you Lily T. and Elizabeth – I like what you had to say, and that resonated with my experience as well. Especially the idea that people can be found and replaced easily via the internet.

    It almost makes me feel like a disposable “commodity”, and yet I think many of them are hoping that the one they randomly pick out will turn out to be “the One”

    Or something…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:24pm

  162. 162: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    162 TMizz

    “It almost makes me feel like a disposable “commodity”, and yet I think many of them are hoping that the one they randomly pick out will turn out to be “the One” ”

    My objection to on-line dating for a long time was it’s not a very natural and organic environment.

    People can present themselves any way they want to. And much of the time they present themselves the way they “wish” they were, not how they really are.

    Look, I know we have all heard this before. I know I often state the obvious. But sometimes, the obvious needs to be stated, like the emperor’s new clothes.

    I also know that people do find success through on-line dating, so I will not dismiss it off hand.

    I’m meeting with someone from on-line later this week.

    But, I’m taking a break from it and focusing on me and my life and meeting people out in RL.

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:32pm

  163. 163: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Is this a fact?

    “There are no negative feelings.”

    Because according to Rori, it sounds like she would disagree:

    “It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

    It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.”

    You can read the full article here:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/rori-raye-rules/

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:36pm

  164. 164: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz, 148.

    Exactly.

    I do not divulge anything about my dating life to any date until he asks/brings it up.

    And usually that only happens when things are leading toward physical intimacy. Or it already did and he’s feeling territorial. If it comes up before that–like he asks if I intend to date other people, I say yes, I’m accepting invitations from other men until one guy I really dig wants to dig me back. If he asks about sexual activity, I will tell him that I prefer sexual exclusivity.

    No, I see NO sense in telling a man, “Just so you know, I’m totally dating other men.” I HAVE said however with a wink when a man asks to see me and I am booked or about to be that “my dance card fills up fast.” he tends to get the hint–“Book early, sweetie; I’m in demand.”

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:37pm

  165. 165: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, everyone – yes any version of E goes to mod; and poor Rori if she’s getting the “rants,” to me that just feels like the opposite of Rori. Yes we have feelings, and if we see Rori as an inspiration it’s as a great role model for not forcing those feelings down anyone’s throat. It’s an openess, an interactive way of being – like the comment she made on the last post vs. being self referential, and involvement that doesn’t require black or white, right or wrong. I love it – it’s what I love about Rori!

    Lots of good stories today and sorry I’ve got to run away….

    But I was thinking Rusty – religion, E’s name, some ranting, the F word, more than two links (that’s anyone who has a blog’s default setting btw) all go to moderation. You can always write Rori and ask why your posts are in mod…but also, maybe you could post them in shorter paragraphs, like 3 posts instead of one? Then if one graph went to mod, you’d – and we’d – still have the benefit of the other two and your thoughts. And it might not feel so frustrating.

    I love coach’s in general for the work they do for US – to make our lives a better place. None of it – not one iota, can be judged harshly imo because they are making their life’s work about helping others reach their goals. That is so gold, and so admirable.

    And, we get to pick with our money and our presence whom we vote for.

    It’s a wide, free world and it feels so GOOD!!!

    Loving it! Rocking it and feeling up up and away….

    Jacqueline

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:38pm

  166. 166: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess says:

    “Lurker and Rusty:

    I was thinking about the two of you while I was in the shower today…

    And just want to say that I feel so appreciative of your presence here.”

    WOW. Hold on a minute, have to get that hot image of a woman in the shower thinking about me. LOL :-D

    OK, anyway, several of you have said something similar and it feels good to see someone appreciate your presence, so thank you all for that.

    “and Rusty, have you considered doing some form of coaching?”

    Hadn’t really thought of it. To tell you the truth, until I found this board by mistake, I didn’t even realize there was such a thing.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  167. 167: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Ps – It’s amazing to me how “sex” turned into a torrential rush of triggering, when all along everyone’s had the freedom to do what they chose. It’s like a dam was broken, a taboo undone…it’s amazing and interesting.

    And, I don’t agree that people can be replaced via the internet. E has a great post on it, a woman who acted like her internet guy who decided he didn’t want someone 3 hours away had actually broken up with her…used the analogy that that was like simply not having won the lottery (imaginary loss for the most part) vs. actually losing a million dollars.

    People will always be unique – no one can smell like I do, no one can be me. That feels good.

    And Mercedes I thought you were gone, but wanting to acknowledge you and say part of my post was in response to your thoughts, but I am not wanting to spar or debate with you. Just to allow.

    It worked for you, you are passionate about it, it might or might not work for others, your situation was very unique and specific to you, imo…

    so I’m glad it worked, I’m glad you’re upfront and powerful and maybe – still – E’s way has a lot of validity for a lot of women?

    What do you think? I hope you’ll find that place of allowing and feel less triggered, but you will be you, lol and hugs….

    J

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:46pm

  168. 168: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth:

    “Right now, I adopt the concept of CDing to connect with people, in general, to not stay in a shell, to be interested in the world at large, to expand my horizons, stay unlimited”

    Exactly! I love the way you put that!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:46pm

  169. 169: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    148. TMizz

    “Maybe Circular Dating really is an “inner game,” something we do for ourselves. (And maybe later on, if he’s “stalling” that’s where telling him can work to inspire him to want to commit rather than lose you.)

    Anybody have any thoughts?”

    yes, TMizz, I loved your whole post, and, hey, I am an lmt, too, and i know exactly what you’re talking about and I think that is a brilliant analogy.

    What you said here about Circular Dating being, as I like to call it, “an inside job” works for me!

    And then later, if you’re feeling in limbo for too long with a guy, you can say like Rori said to her prospective….Well, then, you can’t have me all to yourself”

    I mean, it’s only fair, I think. S*it or get off the pot.

    They get that. I know that.

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:49pm

  170. 170: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    169. Boomer

    Thanks, Boom, it feels good that you
    commented to me!
    I like and admire you lots!
    You remind me of a good friend of mine
    from high school!

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:54pm

  171. 171: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    The thing about saying
    “Sh*t or get off the pot”, though….

    You gotta be prepared for them to
    go either way.

    I would never say it as an ultimatum.

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:57pm

  172. 172: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth………awwwww!!!!

    So, was your high school friend a brassy, irreverent, too-loud Italian chick too????

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 1:59pm

  173. 173: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    173. Boomer

    “So, was your high school friend a brassy, irreverent, too-loud Italian chick too????”

    You know it!! very out-spoken, class president, senate, all of that, but SO much fun

    She always got me going and we always got in trouble. I was the sweet, a little shy -until you got me going – a little bit quirky italian chick. ;-)

    xxxooo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:02pm

  174. 174: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Okay…been listening to this…
    Attracting a mate Abraham-Hicks..
    http://youtu.be/clGB5vndmms
    what’s kinda cool is that when she has the gal imagine/feel what it is she wants I can do that now thanks to RM….
    I get side tracked if I then start to “want him back”.. wonder where he went… but if I can just relax into… (I see a little M&M candy) “He does exist” *said breathlessly* it feels really good…. yum… the hot sports car… or um… diesel pickup..is on order… lol
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:04pm

  175. 175: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee – very interesting on holding onto boundaries. My blog post is on the danger in “I” messages, and the point she makes is you can accomplish things – sometimes – better with boundaries and reasoning and rewarding…

    Something for me to think about too.

    But my guy – smile – he may not be Mr. Charismatic, but he can be Mr. Endearing. He goes to the park at the end of the street or the little store or whatever…unless he’s showering, the bathroom (since we have only 1) is MINE. So sweet, and not anything I asked him to do.

    I love the boundary respect a good man just gives you, just as I hate the boundary trampling an un-good man does. I really like it when they’re perceptive enough to find a boundary and respect it without me even knowing it was/is a boundary conciously!

    And although I will totally fight for each and every line in the sand, it feels better just to know and have a boundary, it feels like self respect and self love. And if I allow someone to cross it (see puked on guy) it feels good when they acknowledge the priviledge I’ve given them. Smiles and thanks…

    PG – HUGING YOU, Lil Tumbleweed rolling in the wind. He’s a good guy a great guy, who may rubber band, and in the meantime, there are other good and great guys and one that is in lock step with you who will find you any minute and love who you are!

    And a bit of a reframe – Brenda, I saw your online thinking and I agree….I came to believe a lot of the guys on line were there to simply assure themselves that they were indeed “trying” to find that perfect woman they used 10 paragraphs to describe…lol….and/or they are so heavy online because they lack normal social skills and are uncomfortable with real live interactions. By no means all, but the endless emailers? Absolutely. Forget their face, how do they smell??? And for that, you’ve got to get side by side, huh….

    And, for me – there’s nothing like real life, especially underarm odor; it’s the holy grail of whether or not you want em….for real!

    Yeah for your discernment!!

    J

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:15pm

  176. 176: LDNo Gravatar says:

    wow just as my love life starts falling into place, I hit a MAJOR bump in my career path, which has been secure and forward moving for the past 3 years. Coincidence or something I attracted? Maybe a change that would free me up for a “normal” relationship? (My schedule is really different from D’s and makes it difficult to date in general, much less have a normal relationship) or perhaps somehwere I don’t believe I deserve or can handle success in both areas? I feel really confused and overwhelmed now…

    Anyone else ever have these shifts like this?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:24pm

  177. 177: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee

    Post #912 is out of moderation if you want to take a look at it. I am reading your very long post that is more detailed right now.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:40pm

  178. 178: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker re 81

    I believe you!

    I never used to believe guys when they said they that they were not ready for a relationship at that time, or that they were not a good choice for whatever reason…

    Now, I hear it when guys say that.

    Because in my experience when a guy says that it is true! Even when guys say stuff half jokingly often times it is proved right.

    So I always listen when I hear those kind of words these days.

    And it feels good that I can hear and more respectful to beleive people when they tell me something.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:45pm

  179. 179: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Boomer

    “a man tells you very, very early where his head is…you just have to listen and see it.”

    Yep! I totally agree!

    xoxoxoxo

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 2:59pm

  180. 180: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#1072: Queenbee

    “Don’t see how a separate room would interfere. It’s just me getting dressed and stuff – taking a few minutes by myself when I need to – I did not get into the explanations….”

    I think it was a mistake not to explain. I can also see how it might have affected him mentally when at first, you did not raise an issue about the one room, but then did so when it was brought up later. His mind had obviously traveled down the path with this notion of having one room, and it must have felt like a withdrawal to him. Like second thoughts, etc…

    I do not feel that it would have been a mistake to mention your concerns, and to simply say that it would make you feel more secure knowing that you have a room to retreat to if things don’t go well. Of course, this might have triggered him to say something along the lines of not planning on anything going badly.

    I sense that the objection seemed like a retreat on your part, in his mind. It felt like failure, it felt cold to him.

    but I am still reading so give me some leeway here. ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:03pm

  181. 181: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    176. Jacqueline

    “there’s nothing like real life, especially underarm odor; it’s the holy grail of whether or not you want em….for real!”

    LOL. I used to love how my ex smelled when he was all sweaty. Disgusting, I know, but so true. We had intense sexual chemistry. Unfortunately it wasn’t much beyond that.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:12pm

  182. 182: SirenJenNo Gravatar says:

    Evan, you’re hot. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:22pm

  183. 183: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty just manly-fested a new calling. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:35pm

  184. 184: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    BTW, Queenbee, I do think that he should have made allowances for your concerns. Like offering to get dressed first in the bathroom, then leaving the room for a while to give you your privacy.

    Or what about a suite? hat way he could sit in the living room area and give you the privacy of the bedroom and bathroom when you needed.

    Problem here is that you didn’t give him the chance to do this by not bringing up your concerns.

    I would not be the least bit surprised if he wouldn’t have had a problem doing this for you, had he known what your concerns were.

    I myself would feel more confident in the relationship if the woman would address concerns like this with me, instead of the woman trying to back door a solution without telling me her concerns.

    Back dooring a solution will often raise suspicions, or cause poor communication which leads to misconceptions and misunderstandings.

    OK, I am now to the part where you said you don’t want his crumbs. First let me say that I do think you have a winner here. He’s not perfect, but neither or you, nor am I. Nobody is. But he does seem to be someone who you could spend your life with, somebody who wants that with you. But this means making adjustments, which seems is a tough thing for both of you.

    The “FEEL” I get from both of you is that both of you have this idea that you can carve out a little niche in your lives and place somebody in that, and woe be to them if they step out of that little box.

    I know I would have a hard time being in a relationship with someone that has this preconceived notion of where and how I am supposed to fit in their life.

    TO me a relationship is about making a decision to become a butterfly. While single you are a caterpillar, then a cocoon while dating, and then when in the LTR you are the butterfly.

    The cocoon is where you make the changes and adjustments to allow the relationship to sprout wings. You BOTH need to make changes.

    He has to learn to make concessions in his life and so do you.

    I can understand that for him, this diary would be a big issue because my impression is that he is Alpha. He wants to lead. The diary is like a trump card on his leading.

    It is very possible that with the career he has, (I don’t know what it is.) he ma want a woman to be far more accessible to him. Sometimes I think this is necessary for some relationships where one person has a very hectic work life. I see it like a Sailor who wants to know that his woman will be standing on the pier with a sign that says “I love you, I missed you, Welcome home!”

    I can tell you from experience that when life interferes, it was hard to stand on that ship seeing all of those wives and girlfriends and knowing that mine was not there among them. Usually she was, but a couple of times she wasn’t able to be because of school.

    I remember once I looked and didn’t see her. I was 100% certain she wasn’t there. Then I happened to see her come around a building that hid the parking lot. Even at a long distance, I knew it was her and my heart went from hurting to soaring among the clouds in a microsecond. As I watched her walk toward the pier, she looked like a tall glass of ice water to a man about to die of thirst.

    So anyway, I can see him having a problem with the diary. In fact, if I remember right, the diary is more of an appointment book, right? I know I would feel a lot of ICK in a relationship where a woman was setting up so many boundaries I felt like a contortionist trying to fit in. And it would kill a lot of my feelings every time I got spanked for stepping out of the box you tried to keep me in.

    I feel it is necessary to have boundaries but “some” of those boundaries should be negotiable with a man in your life.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:37pm

  185. 185: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – “negative” is put in quotes in order to indicate that they’re not “really” negative

    It’s a grammar form

    Rori teaches that all our feelings are in the soup and none are negative or above the others. She doesn’t use Abraham hicks emotional scale because it Is a ladder. So the soup is more about a morphing. No negative feelings. Always ok to say I feel furious. I feel awful. Not so much Attacking when we Do feel awful.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:39pm

  186. 186: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    But sometimes negative is used as a psedolabel for emotions we often have learned to think of as negative.

    Like the ones that don’t feel good

    You know , good is a label too

    Hmmm

    The ones I don’t want to feel.

    Bluh humbug.

    And I can’t control my emotions.

    I can control how much I notice them.

    And I Do want to notice them muchomucho!

    So I can notice And feel Fun and joy!

    Amd in order to do that k gotta notice All my emotions, so my taste for emotions gets sensitized.

    My sensing gets acute fine nuanced.

    Mmm and feeling bliss feels so.., blissful.

    And I can use my masculine to move the building blocks so that I tune myself towards the blowfish and noisier emyions…

    I Can swim in this ocean, I can affect my emotions by choosing to go toward the blissfully ones…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:45pm

  187. 187: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered by everything today because my IDs and ss card have been published on a message board. Moderation removed them in 30 mins upon sight, but stilll…

    So, I spent most of my day on phone with credit agencies to prevent identitheft and future shennanegans. Yep. Great way to spend the day.

    It’s because, until recently, I’ve been a very public, kinda known internet character. 4 dif mes boards, twitter, blogs, you name it. All same name used.

    And now I feel triggered because my internet involvement bothered Adam. Even when I told him that I wasn’t using sexual jargon in my posts like I used to years ago. It’s simply an avenue for exchange of wit and sarcasm- totally no sexual tone anymore to draw people in. Hasn’t been for years.

    Because…he said ‘it’s still a need for validation from strangers, which isn’t healthy for you plus you have a boyfriend you’re exclusive with.’

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:48pm

  188. 188: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    At least, I would like to think that I have an effect, because I’d want to use my Will! Which would be a fun part of this world.

    And do I choose to believe that I do have an effect just by desiring to I’m floating towards my wonderful feeling emotions

    And blissing out…

    Is this being hi on love?

    That Doesn’t feel good.

    Back to the good.

    Hey if that’s all I get to do, choose good feeling thoughts, and that works to make me feel good… I cam Do that.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:49pm

  189. 189: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria,

    I just finished my nlp session. It was intense. I feel drained…But in a good way.

    At the end, he was saying something that I know was really profound and could help me and I felt all the resistance cone up.

    It felt like a huge resistance to change.

    I remember you mentioning resistance to change before.

    Do you have any thoughts on this?
    Anyone else too…I’d love to hear.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:50pm

  190. 190: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Men are staring and shoeing up but I feel scared of them. I don’t want to get raped or feel icky.

    I feel scared so I move away

    Hmm. When it’s safe I will open.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:50pm

  191. 191: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s always safe. What then.

    I felt bad hearing what the nbs were telling me about these men.

    Judgements about them, about me.

    Me not worthy of having people want my good.

    Hmm.

    I felt uncomfortable. I left. This was good.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:53pm

  192. 192: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty,

    Your response to Queenbee “It was a mistake not to explain.”

    We are soooooo (er, I mean we feel sooooo) afraid of exlaining lest we appear overfunctioning.

    From your posts, I’m learning that explaining has it’s value. You’ve taught me WHEN and HOW. I like the specific examples you write what to say to a man so it doesn’t come off as defensive.

    My entire life has been ‘stuff the feelings like a Stepford Wife’ or go straight to the jugular with blame and criticism. Because I’d always read there was a middle ground, but no author ever seemed to cite specific examples.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:54pm

  193. 193: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I could’ve said… I feel uncomfortable.., whatsup?

    :)

    To the man hadn’t spoken to me first.

    Then he did. I felt scared by then.

    I’m feeling scared they might hurt me, because they’re thinking I’m a prostitute and prostitutes get hurt by men.

    This is what I believed when I was young.

    It felt scary.

    I love me.

    I love my feelings.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:57pm

  194. 194: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee

    “I guess the issue is that I feel like I see him less after 5 months of dating.”

    Be aware that some of this may be because of his feelings about the way you want to frame the relationship.

    “He doesn’t want to understand my diary issues. He doesn’t want to ask me in advance. I feel frustrated with this.”

    And Again, I can totally understand this because this was what triggered me to make such a nasty post, which I regret, to you the first time I responded to you.

    I realized that it was because it feels very un-Alpha to go along with that. I had to make my wife understand this. Yes, I understand she has a job, but her boss, whom I know, thinks nothing of calling her husband while at work, or answering his calls when she can. So I told her that “NO! NO! I was not going to not call if I needed to while she is at work. Though I did suggest I would use a text and allow her to call back when she could. So that is what I do. I text her if I need to communicate with her. And as I told her, she can respond when she can.

    It should be noted that I do not call her every day at work. But I do usually send at least one text. I like texts for just this reason. I can send out communication when I can, and she can read it and respond when she can. Other than that, I don’t care for texting. I hate it when some people want to use it as a primary means of communication. Which brings me to your next statements.

    “What I want is a REAL relationship with a REAL person. I don’t want his crumbs. And a text feels like crumbs.”

    I agree with you and feel your pain on this. I do not like texting when a phone call can be so much more personal. My only question would be whether or not the diary thing has him wound up and feeling like texting is a better means of communication with you.

    What I do sense is that he is a good man and that he wants something serious with you, but I wonder if he is feeling that maybe you are a bit too high maintenance, or toxic. I wonder if he is afraid that you come packaged with too many warnings and caution labels. Is he afraid that you will bring TOO much drama into his life? This is a big question for me at the moment.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 3:58pm

  195. 195: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lg – yes.

    I have two magics I use.

    One is an EFT video on YouTube. It super works for me. I can’t necessarily ‘tell’ if there was a shift at the end of tapping along with it, but I know after my energy healings and manifestings seem to work and I can get out of a funk much easier for example. Its on YouTube searing for: EFT Resistance to Change from Innerhealingcenter.

    My other magic is for my intent:

    I reach out to Elegua, the trickster and door keeper, and I ask him to open the door for (whatever my intent is) to happen. Then he opens a door and I Jump through it.
    This I can do for big things or in the moment things.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:03pm

  196. 196: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Do you mean they literally think you’re a prostitue as in charging $$$ for sex? Or as in they think you’re just easy? If it’s the second, just keep knowing that you’re a book with a beautiful narrative. The cover art drew the guys in, but the content kept them reading.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:03pm

  197. 197: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Another one came to me:

    “Relax” from Janette Maw, the Loa coach.

    We manifest when flowing, so Whatever is happening, it’s Supposed to be, and will happen anyway, so might as well “Relax” whether were dying or in a rush or Whatever.

    “Relax” because the Stress, despite what we learned before, will Not make u’s better performers.

    So Relax in the moment, no matter What is happening, it will happen without you hanging on, just relax .

    I really Get this and started using it again a few days ago.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:07pm

  198. 198: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    No I mean the first.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:08pm

  199. 199: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think they think I am looking to sell sex for money.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:09pm

  200. 200: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Are you sitting at the bar at The Venetian alone in thigh high boots? Are you on the corner swinging your purse? LOLZ.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:11pm

  201. 201: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #188 ” my IDs and ss card have been published on a message board.”
    Oh, damn! How did this happen, Kaytlin?

    “it’s still a need for validation from strangers, which isn’t healthy for you plus you have a boyfriend you’re exclusive with.”
    So, in his opinion he should be the only one who ‘validates’ you? Wow. And I thought I am possessive.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:14pm

  202. 202: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – sounds controlling.

    And if u have a bf.,,

    But I’m guessing there’s some flirtatious or someting about this site.

    It’s not about cooking.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:15pm

  203. 203: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I got the boots and the purple jacket.
    I’m at barnes n noble now where people might think I’m not selling sex.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:16pm

  204. 204: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#193: kaitlyn says:

    “My entire life has been ‘stuff the feelings like a Stepford Wife’ or go straight to the jugular with blame and criticism. Because I’d always read there was a middle ground, but no author ever seemed to cite specific examples.”

    AH but you see, we men do not want a Stepford wife. I think even those who “think” they do, would be miserable if they ever got one.

    Nor do we want someone who goes for the jugular…ever. not unless we have done something really egregious. And I mean really really egregious…like sleep with your sister, or something like that…so if we want to keep you, your going for the jugular would be preferable to you walking away.

    All of that middle ground stuff you’ve always avoided, that’s where we live and want to be with you.

    I’ve learned through my life, that women are great talkers, but often with men, they talk at them, instead of with them.

    I remember seeing this interview with a great baseball pitcher. he said that one day, he was facing this batter, and he was doing his thinking…running all of the stuff through his head that he had learned about this guy.

    He said that as he was doing this, and getting ready to pitch the ball, he noticed the guy make a move in the batter’s box. It was a move that screamed the fact that the batter was “thinking” too.

    He said that it was an epiphany. He knew that batters learned stats about pitchers also, but it never really sunk in to him that the batter was actually standing there, “thinking” about what he the pitcher was going to do.

    I think the key here is to not over function. but still keep your radar on and pay attention to signals. When in doubt, ask. It boggles my mind why women think they can’t trust ANYTHING that ANY man says. The truth is, most of us are too busy, too worn out to deal with games and lies. Yes some men do lie, and some are players. But by being up front and truthful, and giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, you allow him to do the same, and if he is a good guy, that will become apparent and the same if he is a bad guy.

    Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    If you get hurt, be strong. The best revenge is that you don’t allow a bad man to ruin you for the good man that will come into your life afterwords.

    Have the courage to be who you need to be when that good man comes into your life.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:19pm

  205. 205: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I was at a corner bench,
    And in a corner beside a busstop, respectively. Those two locations figured into my thought that they think that. Sometimes when I’m walking down the street I get that vibe too.

    And this guy at the park asked me.

    hmm

    That felt bad to say.

    I like that I’m exploring this for myself.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:19pm

  206. 206: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this:

    Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    Ohhh I feel absolutely delighted!!!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:21pm

  207. 207: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “I got the boots and the purple jacket.
    I’m at barnes n noble now where people might think I’m not selling sex.”

    Sounds HOT. Don’t catch those books on fire. ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  208. 208: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    202 Lurker,

    I did porn.

    And about the validation, he had no problem knowing other men looked at me when we walked down the street. I’d be in jeans, a cashmere sweater, and pearls. No big deal. However, I used my porn name on these boards. He had a problem knowing that online, even though I wasn’t acting porn-ish, I was still known as that porn girl. His take was ‘They like you for your brain then it’s bonus for them because she’s hot and did porn, too!’ Adam thought even though I no longer did porn, he felt it was emotionally damaging for me to still keep ties with it.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  209. 209: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria this was to you. I posted it in the other thread, but realize that nobody is going there now.

    963: Daria says:

    I felt really good with the date I manifested last night.

    I feel a lil icky and afraid remembering h

    964: Daria says:

    How he wanted to kiss me, and was hinting and asking and I felt sleepy and shy and we didn’t.

    I feel guilty thinking – oh he may have felt rejected – and now see this guilt covers fear that I am not attractive or less attractive now.

    Living myself and my learning and receiving.

    He instantly wanted to rub my feet.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Relax. This really is one of those areas where you can’t go wrong. He seems to be very into you, or at the least, very attracted to you. I don’t know too many men that will want to rub your feet and kiss you if they aren’t very attracted to you.

    And the truth is, contrary to the opinions of some, a man who is into you, won’t run away at the first sign of rejection in this manner.

    But you do have to balance it with a little lean forwardness. I mean, if you do that (what you said you did), but at the same time come across as totally not interested, he may believe that you really aren’t interested.

    The lean forward doesn’t have to be so far that you fall over. Just something little. A gesture that tells him you enjoyed your time together and that it made you happy.

    Maybe a text. Or a small gift.

    Maybe invite him over for dinner, or out to do something simple, like fly a kite at the park, or walk on the beach looking for seashells.

    All he wants to know is that you are interested and if he sees that you are, he’ll keep working for that kiss. I am of the opinion that you SHOULD make him work for it. Men appreciate what they have had to work for.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:26pm

  210. 210: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Damn, Rusty…

    I loved the post to Katilyn.

    “Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    If you get hurt, be strong. The best revenge is that you don’t allow a bad man to ruin you for the good man that will come into your life afterwords.

    Have the courage to be who you need to be when that good man comes into your life.”

    Damn.

    ~Lil

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:26pm

  211. 211: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    PLus, it’s a personality dif. He’s a very private person. Always has been and he’s an introvert. He’s so private, I had to convince him to have his real last name on his FB.

    And irrrrkkkkk I was triggered when he griped about my FB status still saying ‘single’ (his status was always set to no indication), but when I wanted to put ‘in a relationship with Adam ___,’ he denied my request because he has a stalker and the last thing his stalker needs is fodder. When you google my real name, my porn name comes up.

    And I guess Adam’s mommy the rich lawyer said even she has no idea what to do about mr. stalker.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:27pm

  212. 212: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Gang , Its morning here and I get to read the old CD hot potato again.

    I think Lily T had an excellent description of one of the CD uses ,ie , in a stalled relationship .I am going to summarise how I see CD working for women AND men

    1.A way to get to “play “dating and learn how to relax and enjoy the game and sort through the contenders relatively quickly (given it takes 4-8 weeks to get to know them a little . Evan says they need to be your BF by then or its NEXT time. Why shut your options off for months at a time ? Its a numbers game.

    2. A way to learn communication skills and work on self esteem . This is HUGE . Feeling men are vying for you is very healing after bad times and divorces etc..and its a great alternative to drugs , booze or sexual excesses(is there such a thing?)

    3. A way to enjoy relating socially and going out when circumstances may make it difficult to grow a whole relationship eg, working away a lot , sick child or parent, or personal illness. My example here is recovering from surgery and cancer I have had amazingly GOOD dates and lots of laughs, but my emotional heart is safe for now and until I have energy to do it all over again . I was hoping one would step up but it was all talk and he went back to his ex fiance. I now see that as a really good use of CD for him.

    4. A great way to have wild sex with 4 or more people who you have at least met before (this one for you Lurker:) ) You could always introduce them of course!

    5. To avoid killing off a good potential relationship by scaring a good man away too soon. It takes the pressure off him and allows things to develop at their own pace into an exclusive arrangement which HE is comfortable asking for. It slows down the process to a comfortable pace.

    6. To heal a woman or man who is prone to the “instant relationship” syndrome and who mixes up a Cuppa Bliss Soup for everyone likely who comes along and hurls self into it only to get badly burnt :)
    ie it teaches emotional maturity.

    7. Girls get to wear pretty clothes and make up and perfume and feel appreciated more often :)

    8. Only now do i get to the one about lighting a fire under a stalled relationship that seems to be what E. has focused on. Yeah sure , use this one with care. But as I said before, a woman who is seriously in love with her man , deeply attached and longing and hoping for marriage and babies with him while her clock ticks away , well she is going to have to be DESPERATE ENOUGH to use this tool then. I am not sure E. appreciated this point. No woman would lightly throw away such a relationship , and to open it up to dates with others means she knows SHE HAS NOTHING TO LOSE.She is prepared to lose that guy if it meansfinding the REALTIONSHIP THAT SHE WANTS. Sure the guy will grumble , but he has no rights to her fertility just because she is monogamous . The pressure on him to step up with ring is enormous. This DEPRESSURISES it for him. Whats not to like?

    There are no doubt lots of reasons for, and bonuses to CD’ing. Feel free to add personal experiences !

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:32pm

  213. 213: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#209: kaitlyn

    Kaitlyn Ashley?

    If that is you, I would think that your biggest problem would be too many men chasing you, thus you would be weed whacking through all of the losers to find the right guy.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:36pm

  214. 214: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty – aww thank you. I feel all loved and stuff. :) :) :)

    Aww I feel so good to hear that you think a guy won’t freak over that kiss thing :). I feel really supported and reassured.

    And I actually super gushed to him on the phone about what a wonderful time I had, for like 5 min, and accepted an invite to do it again.

    (unfortunately then we got in an argument over logistics and I walked away as in hung up when i felt attacked. He apologized in the last voicemail. I find being open and honest AND very high maintenance no giving in on boundaries draws out guy’s red flags super early)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:38pm

  215. 215: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #209 “he felt it was emotionally damaging for me to still keep ties with it.”

    And how do YOU feel? It’s your past after all. Maybe you think differently about this now, but do you think it’s damaging?

    Well, to me, it sounds like he wants to keep you away from all online communication. But simply using a new pseudonym should be good enough to get a new start, without being put into the same old drawer. Really, why the remark about your alleged need for “validation”?
    :-/

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:40pm

  216. 216: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Re: 214.

    It’s an epiphany moment for me. I mean I already knew this, but I think we always need to remind ourselves that even very beautiful people have insecurities and relationship problems.

    Funny how we often assume that if we were better looking that many of our problems would disappear.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:40pm

  217. 217: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel irked again because he didn’t get along with his mom because she was very insensitive and controlling. And guess how I probably came off to him? Yep.

    memory lane….

    The first time he met my bff. My bff is my dawg of 10 years. Knowing and seeing that Adam was an introvert, my bff sat at the cafe with us and wanted nothing more than to make Adam feel comfortable, non-threatened, and welcome. Adam just sat there like a bump on a log. My bff asked open ended questions, talked about Adam’s interests, conversed in a way that would get Adam to open up.

    I was so angry that later, I told Adam his standoffishness looked rude. He said, “Well, I can’t help it if I’m just a tacitern guy.” I felt angrier. “Adam, it’s called caring enough to come out of your shell just for a few mins to look social and make your gf not look like she’s dating some f#ggot.”

    Yep. Not what a guy wants to hear. But when we got back to my house, he was affectionate and flirty again. No sex because he had to see his acct in an hour.

    But I see all the mistakes I made that added up to why he didn’t follow through on getting my xmas present, getting my jacket back after he left his old rmate’s and L.A. (so what if you dont wanna talk to your old rmare again. do it for ME.), why he waited til 2pm Christmas day to wish me (me the Christmas Queen of Icecycles and Gingerbread Houses!) a Merry Christmas.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:41pm

  218. 218: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty,

    HA! You perv! Love it! But I’m not Kaitlyn Ashley. Not Kaitlyn anyone. Wow I am always impressed when a guy knows his gonzo queens. Indeed!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:43pm

  219. 219: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    As much as I love my thigh high boots and stuff, when I took the bus I had to NOT wear that. And I didn’t even wear that stuff in a slutty way. More like a high fashion way. But still, I knew the dif from an admiring eye of attraction and just plain salivating. Sucks, but yeah, wear ballet flats (the kind from steve madden, forever21, or whatev that roll up) and have your real shoes in your purse.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:48pm

  220. 220: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    It’s fairly true about the validation. But then I stopped being on message boards because I loved his feelings for me and was falling in love with him. And I wanted to be emotionally healthy, wanted to be more self-reliant, wanted to stop self-sabotauging myself in relationships. Guess it didn’t happen.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:53pm

  221. 221: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    215: Daria says:

    “I find being open and honest AND very high maintenance no giving in on boundaries draws out guy’s red flags super early”

    Open and honest is great, but flexibility is also good. Laying down the law so to speak, especially about little things, can freak a guy out. In his mind he might be thinking, “Dang, if she is this high maintenance this early, what is she going to be like in a relationship after the honeymoon has worn off.”

    This is a real quandary, be honest but don’t. I think it is something you have to learn. For instance, if you meet a guy and the chemistry is so there for you that you think, “This is my next husband.” You might want to save that for a cute story to tell people after you have married him. He will see it is sweet after he marries you, but it might scare him away if said too soon.

    The thing about sharing all of your boundaries too soon is that it can make sou appear even more high maintenance than you are. It might look to the guy like he is about to step into a mine field.

    So maybe it is better to deal with them as the need arises. Still be honest though.

    But also, be flexible in some of those boundaries. And when doing so, allow him some trust. Here’s an example.

    Maybe you have a boundary that says you won’t have sex with a guy until he makes a commitment to a LTR. OK, but then he invites you camping, with some other friends. A bunch of couples. It’s obvious that he is expecting that you two will sleep in the same tent.

    This is exactly how I would handle it. I would show him that you are very excited at the thought of doing something fun like this with him and his friends, then tell him that you only have one condition. I would expect that he would know about the boundary of no LTR no sex, so you simply reinforce that, and say that you would love to be able to cuddle up with him in the tent so long as he can respect your boundaries.

    All up front. You show him that you are excited by the prospect and put the ball in his court to be the great guy he is, or likes to thinks he is.

    By being up front about it right away, you take away the possibility that he starts to go someplace in his mind that he doesn’t need to go, and he isn’t disappointed when he finds out that you had other ideas.

    I am a big proponent of being up front. I love that in women. I can’t stand it when they try to beat around the bush, expect me to be a mind reader, or back door things, etc…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:54pm

  222. 222: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I have noticed over time here that you blame yourself often for doing things to turn Adam off you and also that you regularly cite the three most hurtful things he didnt come through with for you.

    This sounds like a litany of sins ! And the recycling over and over of the memories of NOT getting what you wanted (jacket, gift, calls) just sounds like the opposite of attracting what you want.

    Whilst i am happy to listen to any Siren in pain, I also wonder if you did the Stop sign stuff i posted here in January (Rosa Stop Sign) when Brenda was doing the same, recycling her pain and pining ? Its great stuff when you are happy to move forward now.

    I found that G-Man was such a well worn track in my brain that doing all the mental tricks was INCREDIBLY helpful for removing him and starting proper CDing again.I found Richard Bandlers book”Create the Life You Want” or similar title was amazingly helpful.

    I was soon doing the exercise of running all the bad memories together (at least 10 of them ) in movie format over and over till the threshold blew, and honestly now I struggle to remember them . My brain just blocks it off as a no go zone..

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:55pm

  223. 223: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    219: kaitlyn says:

    Rusty,

    HA! You perv! Love it! But I’m not Kaitlyn Ashley. Not Kaitlyn anyone. Wow I am always impressed when a guy knows his gonzo queens. Indeed!

    LOL, well I hate to disappoint but I Googled “Kaitlyn Porn Actress” and that was the only name that came up, so I Googled Kaitlyn Ashley and looked at a few of the pics. but then I noticed that one gave measurements that were not the ones you gave me in a previous thread. Didn’t know if that was a dis-qualifier since those measurements could have been fake for good advertising.

    OK, so now you have me curious. ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:58pm

  224. 224: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #176 Jacqueline
    PG – HUGING YOU, Lil Tumbleweed rolling in the wind. He’s a good guy a great guy, who may rubber band, and in the meantime, there are other good and great guys and one that is in lock step with you who will find you any minute and love who you are!
    ————————————
    mmm… I love it…Thank you…Hugs back to you…
    PG

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 4:59pm

  225. 225: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty,

    My body was different then. I was thicker but not her measurements. Then twds the end of my film presence, I toned up. I’ve been really toned and leaner this year (think Black Swan), but then the Paris thing happened and now you can count my back ribs.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:02pm

  226. 226: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty, and yes that Kaitlyn had a completely different body than me. Esp in the boob area. Ha.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:04pm

  227. 227: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    227: kaitlyn says:

    “Rusty, and yes that Kaitlyn had a completely different body than me. Esp in the boob area. Ha.”

    Yeah well, that isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Bigger is nice, but not always better. I’ve never had a woman that didn’t please me in that area and that includes about every size A to bigger than DD.

    There is no one size that is best or one that is worst. Whatever the woman was, that was my favorite size. ;-)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:18pm

  228. 228: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hello lovelies, just came across this beautiful poem and though I would share.

    Imagine a Woman
    by Patricia Lynn Reilly

    Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
    A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
    Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
    A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
    Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

    Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past’s influence on the present.
    A woman who has walked through her past.
    Who has healed into the present.

    Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
    A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
    Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

    Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
    A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
    Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

    Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
    A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
    Who celebrates its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

    Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
    A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
    Who refuses to use her life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
    A woman who sits in circles of women.
    Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

    Imagine yourself as this woman.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:21pm

  229. 229: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty:

    Wow…u coming strong…u got my attention with u posts today…;) U sure like constructive criticism…and sure raise up to the challenge :) Indeed an awesome Alpha man trait :)

    While I loved them all, I was “taken” by your description of your wife waiting for you :) Beautiful!!! I felt tearful and connected with you both :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:29pm

  230. 230: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    Wonder what happened to Mel?

    I wrote her a message at her request and no I haven’t heard from her. Maybe she found a good B&B for Easter weekend, or went camping? Hope she is doing well.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:29pm

  231. 231: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #221 “I wanted to be emotionally healthy, wanted to be more self-reliant, wanted to stop self-sabotauging myself in relationships. Guess it didn’t happen.”
    Imho you’re too harsh to yourself, Kaitlyn! You don’t leave the impression of a girl who is emotionally unstable, depending on others, and self sabotaging. You made some msitakes in the relationship, ok. Even dire ones, maybe. But who’s here to throw the first stone? We all have some screw ups on our conscience, I guess. This shouldn’t lead us to see ourselves as failures. The mere fact that we’re working on ourselves shows we’re not.
    You’re no failure, Kaitlyn! Don’t think of yourself in that way, pls.

    #223 “Kaitlyn, I have noticed over time here that you blame yourself often for doing things to turn Adam off you”
    Indeed, Rosa! My impression, too. Kaitlyn, you really shouldn’t define yourself only through Adam. Shouldn’t the goal be to be yourself, to feel comfortable in your skin? And to impress men with that? Hopefully including Adam? You can’t play a role for him in a LTR! You have to be real. Which doesn’t say you can’t improve some traits. And if he really wants you, it looks like he has to be more forthcoming to your needs, to. But you both can’t become totally different persons.

    #224 Uh, Rusty, come on, don’t you think it would be a good idea to respect the privacy of the commenters here, and not to throw names around? Especially if the commenter has said she moved away from knowing her well known online name? Hmm.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:30pm

  232. 232: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    230: Darling Ella says:

    Warm hugs,

    ————————————————————————————————

    Thanks. :-D

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:34pm

  233. 233: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “#224 Uh, Rusty, come on, don’t you think it would be a good idea to respect the privacy of the commenters here, and not to throw names around? Especially if the commenter has said she moved away from knowing her well known online name? Hmm.”

    Yeah, my bad. I misread it and thought that she said she had made it known, that she used the name here?

    My apologies.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:36pm

  234. 234: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #235 Ah, I see. I misread stuff very often, too. I’m a fast reader, but that comes at the expense of accuracy. Could have happened to me, too.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:43pm

  235. 235: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    The Lurker #81:

    “And secondly, I’m really not a good choice for a relationship right now, so you ladies shouldn’t waste any thoughts about me, pls”

    Wow…I read it …and I felt instantly turned off…:(

    and then I thought…

    Hmm…he seems guarded…uncomfortable with the attention…we are “virtual” anyhow…:( what relationhship is he talking about?

    He seems to not accept compliments openly…he seems defensive…oh…and ya…he thinks is a bit better than me maybe??!!!

    There is sure a trigger for him…the virtual attention…he might be suspicious of it…because of his “imaginary” online gf…:(

    I will still give u a warm hug though :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 5:57pm

  236. 236: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    219: kaitlyn

    Gonzo Queens?? Ha! I love it! Have never heard that one.

    Serious time though: Sweetie, I wish so much for you that you can leave Adam in your dust. Are you CDing? Meeting anyone else who can replace him in your thoughts even if just for awhile?

    Like I said above, I have met 30+ men in four months, and I’m almost like, “Davis Who???” I know it’s hard when you really thought you dug someone, but it can be done. I am 100% totally and irrevocable with Rori on this…CDing really IS the solution for being hung up on one man.

    I just want you to see what we all see in you–you are lovely and deserving and a sweet soul. If Adam can’t see that…he’s not “the right man.”

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:02pm

  237. 237: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    A cheater isn’t a sweet soul. But thank you and yes I’m trying to CD. Had a few dates here and there, but I felt nothing. Would’ve had more dates, but those guys stood me up.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  238. 238: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker I’m gonna teach you something:

    First, never question the wisdom of Daria. ;)

    Never question the wisdom of any woman. Even if it seems like it’s the stupidest thing in the world, it’s not. She’s telling a truth.

    Second, there is never just for sex.

    Men do want a relationship w a woman, when they want to have sex w her. If she then behaved in a way their dream girl would, a man would feel happy w a woman he wanted to have sex w.

    See here is the secret which you’re not gonna get anyway, but it’s the truth. Listen: We Hypnotize You.

    So just know that. Our walk, our voices, they all hypnotize you when we are in our feminine. So we are your dreamgirl. We are irresistible, literally, in that mode… All we have to do is stay there, and youll be ours forever.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:07pm

  239. 239: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #236 “he thinks is a bit better than me maybe?”
    There may be a grain of truth to the other stuff you wrote, Darling, but, this? Where did you get this idea???

    And I really think “guesswork about the Lurker” isn’t the topic of this blog!
    :P

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:08pm

  240. 240: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s like pimpin for love instead of money ;)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:10pm

  241. 241: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #239 You forget something, Daria: Too many dreamgirls here! And faced with an abundance of great alternatives, I have difficulties with making a decision.
    :P

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:10pm

  242. 242: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Women are the best at this, that’s why hardcore pimps are so feminine.

    We are beauuutiful

    Beautiiiful

    Hehe

    :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:11pm

  243. 243: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    The Lurker# 240:

    “And I really think “guesswork about the Lurker” isn’t the topic of this blog!”

    LOL…Sirens can change their minds often and unexpectedly about anything…including the topic and focus of the blog :) Welcome to our World Darling ;)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:11pm

  244. 244: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    We are the air YOU need to breathe!

    Haha! Sux to be you Lurker! :P. Lol

    Jk

    It would feel fun to be a man too. To ne hypnotized by all this pussy.

    *****

    Ouch! That new post felt bad! I don’t want to be told I’m in competition w other women! :P. I am talking to You!

    Grrr. :(

    Ok I don’t want to talk to you now

    :(

    Feelin mad.

    Angry.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:14pm

  245. 245: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am savage!

    Hash! Hash!

    Slicing connections!

    Dropping communications!

    Like rocks in water!

    Harrrash!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:17pm

  246. 246: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Now feeling Freaked guilty shame:

    O just jumped in w a thought about to Luther, and my girl was having a convo w him, an I may have picked up on her thoughts.

    Shame from past about flirting ok having a crush on my cousins guy.but I did!

    Dammit.

    Uff.

    Embarrassing humiliating and alone and throw up feelingy.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:19pm

  247. 247: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Lucy and Daria, the posts you two were in disagreement about, I liked them both. I didn’t see where the misunderstanding came about, just two different opinions on the same subject. :)

    Boomer and Lily T, thanks! :) I really am learning and applying.

    Scarlet, not sure what the post number was, but love your explanation of CD’ing!!! Thanks!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:22pm

  248. 248: Amazing MENo Gravatar says:

    Lurker and Rusty, I have to say having you guys here really puts things in a new light :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories. SO Sirens want to kno9w what makes you tick, tell us about you and your love life, if you cvre to share:)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:24pm

  249. 249: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty, Turquoise3, Lurker, Femininepower, et al…

    Thanks for all of your responses. We were away for the weekend (not anything romantic, just visiting family). I really appreciate all of the advice.

    I feel like ranting and being angry for a bit… I feel like I have no where else to deal with my frustration.

    Rusty…
    I’m feeling really stuck and angry. I totally get what you are saying. And it seems like I’ve tried just about everything else, so doing nothing is worth a try. I’m just feeling frustrated that I have to sit around and be patient and keep the pressure low, when I feel like I’m about at my limit for patience. I know it’s all about control and I hate the feeling that I have none of it. I guess I’m feeling angry because it seems like I have to be so careful not to do anything to stress him out. The thing is I’m feeling pretty stressed out myself and it feels like no one’s got my back. It breaks my heart to feel like he knows how important this is to me but chooses to ignore my feelings. I can’t bring up the topic of sex with him (using feeling messages) without a massive resistance. So I will take your advice and back off completely. As hard as that is.

    Getting away for a whole weekend would be near impossible with his schedule, so doing some fun day activities is the best I can hope for right now.

    The thing is… he doesn’t act stressed out. He’s tired, yes. But he seems to thrive on working hard. I think he likes it actually. Fitting in time for me is the challenge. I don’t want to be demanding, but I think a marriage can’t thrive without quality time (sexual and otherwise) being a priority. If I’m “needy” for wanting sex with my husband and to do something fun with him once a week, than I’m not sure anyone could make him happy.

    At this very moment he’s requested his nightly “alone time.” This is frustrating me too because he does not even want me in the same room with him while he zones out with his computer. It feels insulting. I don’t understand.

    ——-

    Turquoise3: The thought that he may be holding back on sex because he’s “unsure” about us has crossed my mind as well. Especially since he’s been very reluctant to even hear my heartfelt concerns.

    ——
    Sorry for the venting. I sometimes feel like I need a safe place to do that. I certainly can’t talk about anything with him.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:24pm

  250. 250: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #245 “Sux to be you Lurker!”

    Oooh, that hurts, Daria! I just thought, it may be nice to get a better taste of you, and now you ruin everything!
    :P

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:26pm

  251. 251: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    238. Kaitlyn, who here hasn’t cheated???

    My goodness…raise your hands Sirens and the Beastie Boyz (my name for Lurkie and Rusty–hee)….if you have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend or husband or partner??? NEVER? If you have not…well, then that’s great. But most people have I bet. Or were tempted to.

    Hell, confession time: I cheated on my first husband with the eventual second. NumberOne hadn’t touched me in 18 months (since I got pregnant with our second child)–so, extenuating circumstances, I think–but we ALL think our circumstances are extenuating at the time. He was the love of my life, but I felt devastated and so hurt that the man I loved to the exclusion of all all others did not find me attractive after I gave him two beautiful babies.

    Kaitlyn, girl…girl! Oh, I feel so mad at you. And I feel like I want to take care of you! I almost never talk to you because I want to show you tough love, but I also want you to show yourself some love.

    Here is the gentle thing I want to say to you:

    There are no MISTAKES. Just decisions made at one point in time with the information and resources we have on hand at that time. At the time you decided to go to Paris with the rich dude, you made a decision based on your feelings of not being appreciated by Adam, based on your financial resources, and based on your feelings about yourself at the time. Was it a wise decision? Probably not (who am I to judge–but based on your telling of it, it sounds like you regret it horribly). But you did it. There ya go. I did it too…I was unfaithful to my husband and two young babies (yes, I see it as cheating on my whole FAMILY), and believe me, I felt at one time that I paid for that karmically with the abusive second husband. But now I do not see the awful second marriage as “my payback.” I truly get that I was confused, desperately sad, desperately lonely, and so in need of some affection and love. Husband 2 gave that to me for a short time, and unfortunately, I married him because I felt GUILT and OBLIGATION. Ugh. Horrible, useless, self-pitying emotions. Marrying him seemed to legitimize what I had done. I married him to punish myself. Boy, did I succeed at that!

    So sweetie…oh…quit flagellating yourself over one questionable decision. One made in a tender time. One made based on your available resources at the time. Learn from it, sure…and try not to do something like that again. But FORGIVE yourself, Kaitlyn.

    I broke up a family with my infidelity. That’s a by-the-rules way of looking at things. But I have learned to love myself. I forgive myself. And my life is just as it was meant to be right now…and I would not be who I am without having made that “mistake” and sooooooooooo many others. All my triumphs and all my failures are part of my tapestry.

    Many many many people “cheat.” And frankly, we could all look at CDing as “cheating” if we wanted to. I think of it as sanctioned cheating, and I love it. “Cheating” implies an exclusivity that I’m not sure you and Adam had from what you’ve described–certainly not ring-on-finger-have-a-wedding-date Rori-style exclusivity. So, Kaitlyn….please please please, stop with the emotional self-mutilation. Frankly, and you may object to this, and so be it…Adam sounds like a total tool to me. In fact, he sounds like the entire toolbox. Uptight and kind of a weenie! ;) Just my take on it though.

    You ARE a sweet soul. You want so much to be good. That’s better than most people who don’t even think about being “good people.”

    Know you are loved here and that we all want you to feel that for yourself too.

    Warm, loving, affectionate, and understanding hugs to you@

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:28pm

  252. 252: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Ok girls, confession time, I did a thing, not a bad thing… but a leaning forward then practicing thing.

    Going to come clean…..

    So the guy who brought me here was Tom. We dated about two months, he started pulling away, I leaned forward, things slowed down, and then he poofed. I wasn’t in love with him, but hurt.

    So, last few weeks I’ve been feeling really good. My vibe is up. I’m on 2 dating sites, enjoying it, but not letting it overwhelm me. I had two dates Friday night, and have even cancelled a few. I’ve gone out with 4 other men since Tom. Nobody I felt as much of a connection with, but I really had fun with Mike Friday night. He made me laugh.

    SO anyways, haven’t been missing Tom, but he really doesn’t have many people in his life, and I have felt this need to contact him on his birthday (yesterday) because I really thought no one else might. And how sad that would be to be a human being in this world.. and nobody contact you.

    SO, yesterday morning leaned forward, sent him a text that said,

    Me: “Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well :)

    I really didn’t expect to hear anything back from him, put my phone down, went about getting ready for Easter, and about 15 min. later he texted me back to say,

    Tom: “Thank you. I’m doing well. How are you doing?”

    Me: “Good. Glad for the long weekend.

    Tom: “Do you have big Easter plans?”

    Me: “Yes. Picking the girls up from their dad on my way to my brothers for dinner. Then dropping them back of til tomorrow. You?”

    Tom: “Going over to visit friends and family. I’ll text you later.” I was surprised he mentioned family, because he told me he and his mother hadn’t spoken in over a year.

    Me: “Have a nice time. Happy Easter”

    I didn’t really expect to hear back from him, didn’t matter really.. was busy with my family. About 6 hours later….

    Tom: What time will you be done with your Easter activities?

    Me: Pretty soon.

    Tom: Want to come over?

    Me: I don’t really feel like driving that far. I still have an hr. drive to get home. Do you want to come to my house?

    Tom: Ok. Let me know what time.

    So, Tom came over last night. I had no idea if I’d ask him why he poofed, or what would happen, but I wanted to experiment and see how it would go, how I felt seeing him etc. Practice!!!

    So, he came over, brought some movies, asked how my daughters birthday was, commented on Glory’s haircut (my dog) asked how I’d been, we talked about work.. but didn’t bring up that I hadn’t heard from him. He touched me a few times, but I didn’t initiate anything affectionate. We watched the movie, discussed it and what we thought was happening, felt like I was just watching it with a friend… not someone I really had any history with. I just kept noticing how I felt, noticing that he still looked handsome, but not up on his pedestal like before…. a nice man, but not quite the catch I’d made him out to be. A little old/tired…. but I felt comfortable with him, and let him put his arm around me. I snuggled up against him, listening to his heartbeat, and enjoyed the physical comfort. We started kissing, had quite a makeout session, but no sex. The chemistry and connection are great, I love the way he touches me. BUT I didn’t feel triggered at all to try to get him back in a relationship or to make him like me, think I was different, nothing. I just enjoyed the moment. I did have some NV’s telling me he was just there for sex, it was his birthday, he didn’t have plans… may not hear from him again… and I felt a little ashamed, why would I want him there if he didn’t want to date me? I told my NV’s to shut up, enjoyed the moment, and feel good about it today!!!

    We talked for awhile before he left and he opened up more than he ever had before about his mom, and he’d seen her that day. I was so happy to hear that, because it made me very sad he didn’t talk to his mother. I asked about his friend David, and he smiled and told me all about him, I saw him as a person. Before I saw him as a potential mate, future husband, family memeber, step parent…. not just as a man. It was so interesting.

    He told me how nice to was to see me again when he left and I said for me too. He texted me a bit today, asked if I missed having sex with him. I said yes, he said yes too. But the thing is, I don’t have all these emotions attached to him anymore, and it’s only been about 5 weeks. I feel really good about this, not hurt or disappointed, I think maybe I’ve healed some stuff in me… and Tom helped me see that in myself.

    What do you sirens and men think? Mistake or learning experience???

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:46pm

  253. 253: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh snap!

    A dude who pursued me relentlessly on Plenty o’ Fish several months ago and whom I met for dinner once (he never called after) just emailed me on there again–I added some new pictures, sure, but the old ones are still there and the profile is the same.

    He tells me how gorgeous I am and how he’d love to meet a woman like me.

    I wrote him back and said, “Tom (because I knew his name). Seriously? You HAVE met a woman like me…in fact, you’ve met ME. Remember? Carnitas and margaritas at Acapulco in XXXX? Seriously, dude?”

    It was snarky, I know, even downright bitchy, but, come on! I guess two-dimensional me makes a much better impression than RL me. Ah well…

    Stuff like this makes online dating fun/funny. Another story for my book…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:46pm

  254. 254: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Does change cause more change? Because ever since I met D and decided to be exclusive, my life as I knew it has been turning upside down. I am facing major changes and decisions in every other area of my life right now-3 other major ones in 3 weeks. Some positive, some the jury is still out on.

    I feel scared and overwhelmed…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:47pm

  255. 255: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    What an awesome experience! I had a similar one with THE EX that left me realizing how much I had healed and grown. It felt so good! After that, I started treating all of my CDs that way-just being present in the moment and seeing them as men and not potential mates. It makes dating so much more enjoyable!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  256. 256: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    LD, thanks! I can’t believe how different my outlook is… I’m sure part of it is because I’m not really thinking about him being the one, or caught up in trying to turn it into a relationship… but if I can maintain this vibe… I think my lovelife will take a turn for the better :)

    I do think change can bring more changes, a lot sometimes. When my divorce went through and I was finally single, my LTR (guy I’d been dating for about a year and a half, and I broke up) I got a new job, and had some financial issues. Can to share anymore of what’s going on???

    SO happy though that you have someone special in your life while you deal with whatever has come up. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:00pm

  257. 257: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl,

    RE: #111 – You said, “That’s why I’ve made my request of God that I have…that they’re not allowed to come if they are not beneficial.. or if they are going to have a negative effect… then I can kinda laugh about the situations that keep them from coming…”

    Wow, I love everything you said in your post about this. What’s interesting is I’ve been coming to the same conclusion. The way I worded it is it feels like I have a spiritual barrier around me. Hardly any men can get in. It feels like I’m invisible. For the amount of attention I get from men, you’d think I hadn’t showered in a month! I trust God that He is protecting and preserving me. It’s hard sometimes tho. :-(

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:05pm

  258. 258: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Evan, Evan, Evan…

    LOL! Just testing the moderation device. It’s so much fun! I like to be bad! Bad is the new good! :lol:

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:10pm

  259. 259: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    I asked for the best and most happiness for me and my kids and within weeks I met D, who has been simply amazing.

    Then my oldest kid got a unique educational offer and my youngest another unique offer. The problem is, the offer the oldest got, while a fantastic opportunity for him and his future, means he would go live with his father, which is not so great news for me.

    The offer the youngest got, while fantastic for him, means I can no longer accept a promotion my company offered me which included a move to another state. Because of that, my career path has basically just taken 4 steps backward if I stay in this town. So I now have to decide to accept an entirely different (lower) type of job within my company or go find work somewhere else.

    I just feel so overwhelmed with this much change happening all at once.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:11pm

  260. 260: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Evan,

    I have some questions…

    Why do you go by Evan Marc Katz and not just Evan Katz?

    Do you like teddy bears?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:13pm

  261. 261: LDNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise,

    absolutely beautiful post to Mel. I’m crying again…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:18pm

  262. 262: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Oh LD I understand. Wow, that is a lot to process. Would D be able to move with you if you are thinking long term with him? Maybe the universe is trying to keep you where you are so that relationship has time to bloom?

    How old is your oldest? Living with his father, is it even a reasonable thing to consider? How far is that from you? I worry someday my girls will want to live with their dad, that he’ll live some exciting place, he will probably have more financial to offer them unless my career would really take off…. it’s scary to not think of having your kids with you everyday, even if they’d be in a good situation.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:19pm

  263. 263: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks LD :) It’s easy to write when the story mirrors my own so closely. I feel Mel’s pain, because I was there. I remember wondering how I could feel so alone in my own home, when my husband was there with me. He’d lock himself in his office and gamble online, look at porn, play computer games… the last year of my marriage was a joke. Yet, I STAYED, always hoping it would get better, but I completely gave up on trying to change things. I just hoped.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:24pm

  264. 264: LDNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise,

    I have felt signs the universe is trying to keep me here even though I have wanted to move for years now and it just never works out, so that is a possibility. Especially since D WAS farther away and then HIS job unexpectedly transferrred him closer to HERE right when I met him. That and my youngest’s offer are both positive things. The negatives are the possibility of my oldest moving away (and his dad lives halfway across the world in another country!) and having to rethink my future plans with my career.

    I do see how the job change could turn out to be positive. I could have a more open schedule that would free up more nights and weekends to spend with D and my youngest, who would be alone for the first time in his life without his brother, but it would mean giving up what I’ve worked so hard for the past few years and rethinking everything. I don’t like making decisions or change anyway, so that in itself is also stressful.

    I want so much to believe that the universe is putting into motion the changes that will bring us all the most happiness in the long run, but the changes to get there are scary.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:28pm

  265. 265: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, LD. So much to chew on. I’ll send positive happy-feelies that you get the guidance you need.

    I believe that it’s ours to ask for…the guidance.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:30pm

  266. 266: LDNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Boomer,

    I appreciate that so much. I’m definitely feeling overwhelmed today.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:35pm

  267. 267: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    LD, ouch, halfway around the world… how old is he? I’m with boomer, sending happy vibes to you! Where do you live now? Georgia right?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:40pm

  268. 268: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow LD. Sorry to hear about the stuff that is overwhelming you today. Wish I had words of comfort for you. Good thoughts coming your way…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:43pm

  269. 269: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve read all the way down to 214 and I gotta say I like having these guys here!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:46pm

  270. 270: LDNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise,

    he’s 16. I live in SC and his dad is in Europe.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:51pm

  271. 271: LDNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for the good vibes TGirl

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:51pm

  272. 272: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer asked:

    “My goodness…raise your hands Sirens and the Beastie Boyz (my name for Lurkie and Rusty–hee)….if you have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend or husband or partner??? NEVER? If you have not…well, then that’s great. But most people have I bet. Or were tempted to. ”

    **Raises hand**

    I have been tempted to cheat, but never have. I came close once and had a panic attack.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 7:58pm

  273. 273: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Camile, thank you for your note to Daria and me – I feel heard and affirmed by it and I hope Daria does too. Also, your marriage sounds so much like mine – and so does your relationship with your ex-h now.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:00pm

  274. 274: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    253: Turquoise3

    I think you handled that BEAUTIFULLY.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:03pm

  275. 275: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Boomer and Caitlyn, I was tempted once to kiss someone while I was married, but I didn’t do it. However, I did cheat on a boyfriend with my ex after I was separated. I felt terrible, felt like my new relationship was doomed to fail because of what I’d done. It did fail, but not because I slept with my ex, whom I was actually still legally married to… but because the relationship wasn’t right.

    Kaitlyn, I agree with Boomer and have said this before, you are being way too hard on yourself. I hope you can find your way past some of this blame and do some CD’ing, where you are actually open to a positive outcome. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:06pm

  276. 276: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    LD, I feel surprised and secretly delighted that you asked for “best happiness” for you and your kids and then your guy arrived – bc we so often hear that happiness isn’t “supposed to” come that way. I feel happy about your happiness. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:06pm

  277. 277: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Susan… which part Tom?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:08pm

  278. 278: PatienceNo Gravatar says:

    Great info! yes, I agree that it is good to have a man’s persective, too.

    My man demanded exclusivity even though he wouldn’t commit to a long term relationship. He was so much better than the other prospects I had at the time, I decided to focus on him for as long as it lasted. I made a lot of the mistakes E. mentioned: “the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys, which undermines all sense of trust and the feeling that he’s somehow special.” My guy and E. seem cut from the same cloth in these ways.

    Different men respond to different things, so there isn’t really a one size fits all.

    My guy invited me to join him and our daughter for dinner and we had a pleasant time. I have been wanting to steal a kiss, but haven’t had the opportunity. I did manage a bit of a shoulder rub while I was talking closely to him about something, and he didn’t flinch, so I took that as a good sign! We went by the store and he bought 3 bags of groceries to send home with me. I guess it is a good thing that he is so generous? I know it is mostly for the benefit of our daughter, though. Still, he bought me supper and didn’t have to. I posted on the other blog today but I think everyone had already moved here.

    I am glad I joined him for supper, even though he didn’t ask me ahead of time.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:08pm

  279. 279: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Patience, I’m sorry, I don’t know your whole story. But, I think if you already have a daughter together, and he’s not persuing you right now for a relationship… it’s ok to relax a little about the not asking ahead of time. If you are free when he asks, and you feel good about spending time with him, then do what feels good. If you have other plans, just say, oh sorry… I already made other plans. Maybe next time.

    I wouldn’t steal a kiss…. inspire him to kiss you!!! :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:10pm

  280. 280: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What’s a gonzo queen

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:19pm

  281. 281: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be a wife and a mother.

    Does falling in love have to be this difficult?? Really? I don’t want to be single anymore.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:20pm

  282. 282: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone!

    Lucy – thanks, yeah it feels bad and I’m glad you’re always here working through it. I want this to be your time, and you to have some dates – as you wish, tho. lol, and hugs!

    Lurker – I’m wondering if you are still un-liking me? I’m feeling you get very triggered and sounding more and more fem – instead of sensitive. Just a lot of judgements from being here. Which we all get, and I’m trying not to judge it. But sometimes I read what you say and just go “ouch!” Seems lopsided in favor of some and not others and just like the whole sex thing triggers you big time. It’s great to have an opinion, great to feel your truth, but not so great to actually think we can be held accountable to it. If you wanna hear me…

    Turquoise!! Loving you…and I had a feeling the engagement wasn’t going well…sad for him, but sounding good in all ways for you!

    I’ve never cheated. When I was 19 I had a boyfriend and we made a deal we’d tell if we wanted to mess around, so when I did, I told him…..13 years later he was still talking about how it’d blown his mind.

    Then, with “X” I’d just break up with him when I wanted to…haha…

    but I’m liking the whole Kaitlynn changes. Sounds really intense and good to me – it’s been an honor to be around!

    And LD – glad to have you here. If you’re from Georgia, I’ve done you a disservice on FB cuz I wasn’t sure who was who, and I apologize abjectly!

    I like it when you’re here.

    So much going on!!

    wow

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:21pm

  283. 283: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel excited and pleased to see many of you exploring and articulating the nuances and complexities of CDing – something near and dear to my heart but difficult to write about via phone!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:22pm

  284. 284: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty – I’d originally asked if you were a coach cuz Rori said some on here were coaches….but I think you are so level headed and consistent. I don’t agree with a lot of what you say – sounds old school to me, but also wise. And I love how good you are at “doing” disagreement. I hope you do pursue helping people in some way, I think you might have a calling to it. What do you think?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:23pm

  285. 285: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Oh Susan, saw you wrote 253, which was my Tom post. Thanks! I feel good about it. I can’t believe it… lol. :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:24pm

  286. 286: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies! I’m sorry that I’ve been AWOL for almost two months now. I just wanted to pop in and let you know what’s been going on here in CO.

    Things with P sort of petered out and we haven’t seen each other in over a month. It’s over and I’m fine with that. The distance has brought a lot of clarity and I know that we would never be good together. I need to be with someone who is gregarious and assertive and willing to be the man in the relationship.

    I dated several guys from various online sites, but wasn’t finding any joy in it. So, I decided to stop passively chasing (as I see it) using online sites and am just living my life believing, for now, that if I am supposed to be with someone, or two, or three, that he/they will show up. Until then, I’m having fun CDing myself and my friends.

    I’m also engrossed in a new journey. I’ve decided that it’s time that I get healthy. I’m tired of walking around beating up on myself for being overweight. I’m tired of not being able to keep up with my friends when we go hiking. I’m tired of feeling self-conscious all the time. So, I’ve started taking some steps to change things.

    As a result, I’ve started a new blog at http://www.montygal.wordpress.com where I share my journey in hopes that others might be encouraged and find support. I would love it if you would check it out and subscribe to the blog or follow me on facebook. There are links from the site or you can find me on FB at “Lady Losing It”

    I’m going to try to be more intentional about popping back here on occassion to see if there is some way I can offer help an ear. I’ve missed you all and hope you’re doing well!

    I wonder if anyone has heard from Nancy since she got married. I’d love to hear how she’s doing!!

    K…gotta scoot. Peace!
    Pam

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:25pm

  287. 287: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    and – about self validating – you know when I think about it, ALL of Rori’s work is a form of self validating to me. And it’s all baby stepping and allowing….so maybe we can all self validate and feel good. That’s my vision!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:25pm

  288. 288: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline 285 – what do you mean by “as you wish tho”?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:26pm

  289. 289: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria 283,

    There are 2 types of porn. 1) Features. The entire dvd is a movie with a story line. Like a real movie but with sex scenes. Those companies have contract girls. 2) Gonzo. The dvd is 5 different scenes that’s just sex (except for maybe a 2 min pre-sex in form of ‘hey, pizza boy’s here!’ or the girl being interviewed.) The scenes have nothing to do with each other; kinda like a collection of short stories. This is the most common and most popular type of porn. The sex is also usually more hardcore than features.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:28pm

  290. 290: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mph

    ManCDcalled first time after his outburst

    And he attacked me. I said I don’t want to he attacked. Then he apologized for last time.

    Then he’s like blaming me. I felt blamed.

    And I said I Do feel bad, I’ma get off the phone.

    Then he says alright, and I felt sad

    Now I just realized he lied about something, small

    Mmmf that feels sad too

    Cuz he was so on about honesty. :(

    Well I feel dissapointed.

    I feel sad

    And I feel good.

    I’m running past patterns.

    :)

    I said no and walked away.

    Go me.

    I feel good about that and I also feel SSS and heartache

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:29pm

  291. 291: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oooh, I love me some Gonzo!! thanks K!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:31pm

  292. 292: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Cutest! Live puppy cam! Newborns! Awww!

    http://www.ustream.tv/sfshiba

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:31pm

  293. 293: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks J!! Love to be here. Yes, sad for him, but I don’t think he really is ready to get married again. Not just how he acts with me sometimes, but he’s put her off a few times, she wanted to get married last year before he deployed and he said no. He wants a prenup. etc. She’s young, not sure this is a good match for either of them. I bet he’ll tell her to keep the ring though, and it’s got to be worth at least 8 grand. It’s huge!

    Jilly… where the heck are you? Materialize please! :)

    Alonka, still missing your voice here :(

    SLV, hope you come back to us!

    And, I also spent time with friends and family this weekend. My sisters and I went to a movie, I went out for drinks with family and a friend Saturday night, I saw my girls and my family on Easter… I checked in on a friend who just broke off her engagement. My vibe feels good… like I’m ready for anything right now.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:34pm

  294. 294: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – as you wish, meaning if you still have your profile down, I understand, but I so want some more great date stories…and great guy names, and some more sensitive poet songsingers for you….I just feel strongly that I want some joy and happiness for you, that it’s your time and your turn. Don’t know why or when this happened, no I do. I’ve been feeling that way for maybe two months. Like you came so close to the brass ring with WH…and then you had to let go and you did it well, and you’ve remained open to all ideas of love and now…it’s your time – to get the love, to get the reward…

    what do you think? garden flower….

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:34pm

  295. 295: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh, Turquoise, yes that’s what I felt – HE wasn’t ready and I was just fixing to write out

    JILLY’s name too!!! where are you, darlingest?

    and SLV it’ll NEVER be the same without you –

    and Alonka!!! hugs!

    and I think you sound good, and are on a great track and for me – I always stay on good terms with my exes…one wrote and thanked me for my part in making him who he is today – a free spirit, lol….it’s another way of being a Siren, to me.

    Yeah bluegreen!! girl….

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:38pm

  296. 296: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Just read your post. I’m crying now. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I’m thinking or feeling. All I know is you made me feel supported, but if you knew Adam, you’d know he dedicated his next published book to me, he pushed for exclusivity, he told me stuff he told no one else, he intro’d me to his friends right away, he gave me motivational advice on my photo career, so much…And I also know everyone is probably wondering why the twig in a sleeveless ACDC tshirt is crying into her salad and black coffee. Gotta go. Supposed to pick up my friend so we can get his car from the mechanic so he can go to the dentist tomorrow while I’m at work.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:46pm

  297. 297: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    And when people don’t comment on my post (unless I ask), I don’t feel ignored. I just figure they don’t have advice for me. Nothing wrong with that.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:47pm

  298. 298: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Did SLV formally check out, as in declare her intentions to be blog-free for a time? I know I did it–I was pissy and tired–and then got sick.

    And Alonka? Did she do a blog poof too?

    I love this place intermittently. It feels like emotional Weight Watchers to me. When I do WW seriously, I get REALLY into it and I do so well–for a time. But then I hit a wall where all I am thinking about is food, and it seems counterproductive to focus so much on it. I do better for a time if I stop tracking my points, stop writing down every freaking bite, and stop obsessing over the fiber in one Cheeto (as if there were any).

    Online dating is my bag of Cheetos. This blog is my Weight Watchers. Sometimes I have to step away to get a fresh look. Then I come back more committed.

    But even though I am blog-ambivalent at times, I do love all of my Sirens. Rusty and Lurker–still not sure how I feel about men on here, but so far I feel welcoming and see how you’ve really contributed and helped. You seem to be good blog citizens. Not that you need MY approval or permission, certainly, but while I’m talking about my blog dynamic, you are a part of that now that has changed for me. I’m still ruminating on you. Leaning toward pleased :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:48pm

  299. 299: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    RE: #301 – Love your analogy! The blog is my pacifier…as I sit home alone night after night.

    I like men on here, cuz then I can flirt. :lol:

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:51pm

  300. 300: PatienceNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise3 #282

    Yeah, I agree with all you said. I am going by my gut, but like I said in my post in the last blog, I don’t like being an “afterthought”. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see our daughter for suppertime, but sometimes he invites me and sometimes he doesn’t. He doesn’t owe me supper.

    I am wanting to rebuild a connection with him, so it is in my best interest to spend as much time as possible with him. I need to lean back in some ways– I call him too often, for example.

    I wish I could inspire him to kiss me!!! It has been over 2 years! I’ll look up my posts on the other blog in case you want to read about my story and offer other advice.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:52pm

  301. 301: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – bad is the new good??? Love it! and you!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:52pm

  302. 302: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    294 Jacqueline

    The ‘Tales of Perversity’ series from years back is one of my faves. Half were female directed.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:52pm

  303. 303: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, wow – Pamelala’s blog is hilarious – the bit about taking pictures…and the first one is so confusing and then it’s her best tip ever…funny and meaningful both.

    Welcome back Pamelala….and good for you!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:55pm

  304. 304: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    “Writing this I’m realizing that ManCD, who I was attracted to, was NOT A GUY I WAS ‘INTO’, RATHER I WAS INTO MYSELF AND MY DREAMS AND HE AFFIRMED ME. And that felt good.”

    BRILLIANT! Daria,
    i think you just bundled the whole program into one concept. thank you.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:57pm

  305. 305: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn do you know Fantasti.cc? free stuff and real people and all my “fans” lol…

    once, tho I watched this “Gag her” video and wrote to the guys and said I hope no women were harmed in the making of this video or I can’t like it!! They never wrote back. Some of the stuff looks soooo painful and then the girl gets a face full and looks like the cat that caught the canary.

    It’s confusing! And thanks for the recommendation – it kind of seems like it was a phase. Now that I’m feeling the love for my guy, not all into it.

    But my bff totally and drolly said – when I all excitedly explained how you can just have the laptop RIGHT THERE on the bed with you…that now we know why laptops were invented!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 8:58pm

  306. 306: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn…I so wanted to reach out and hug you. I’m sorry I called Adam a weenie. I have issues with quiet,”taciturn,” by-the-book guys though.

    I see you dating someone dynamic an alive and FUN! Who lets you just be YOU. Hell, I see ME dating that guy too! I’ll fight ya for him!

    I hope your salad has some protein. Tuna? Chickpeas? Maybe get yourself a sammich too, honey! LOL…I am food obsessed right now, sorry (started back on WW–wanna lose 20-30 more!).

    Maybe some Cheetos???

    Anyhoo, Kaitlyn, now I’m just trying to make you laugh. Wish we lived close–I’d take you out with me and Annie Clyde, and we’d be three freaking hotties on the town, girl! We’d make you smile for sure, because we are irreverent, sassy, fabulous and ALL THAT. It might suck for me though–gorgeous Black Barbie who used to work a pole and gorgeous ex-porn star…and little suburban corporate mommy me. Who would I be if I were a doll…maybe Dora the Explorer, but grown up and with child-bearing hips???

    Hugs…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:01pm

  307. 307: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala…welcome back! Missed you, girl!

    Will check you out on the blogosphere!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:04pm

  308. 308: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – hi girl…Pamelala’s blog is about losing weight….it’s cool. I’ve been debating WW or TOPS…or therapy?!!

    Kirstie Ally lost like 15 pounds since last week – wow, I thought it was my imagination but then she said that was why she came out of her shoe.

    She’s exactly my height and size…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:05pm

  309. 309: PatienceNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise 3
    I looked up my posts on the other blog “Why are you there” April 21, in case you want to read about my story and offer other advice. #702, 715, 727, 773, 774, 814, 920, 991 and 1124 and maybe I missed some

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:09pm

  310. 310: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    I just visited it Pamelala. You are so hilarious! I love it!

    If I started a blog, I’d never get any work done. I love writing so much.

    I’m envious of/proud of/inspired by you!!!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:09pm

  311. 311: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    I’m from SC. What do you mean, grave disservice on FB? I feel curious as to what that means?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:10pm

  312. 312: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Who would I be if I were a doll…maybe Dora the Explorer, but grown up and with child-bearing hips???

    Boomer….LOL… OMG. You are too much, thank goodness I wasn’t drinking when I read that because I just laughed outloud!

    And I love the weight watchers analogy, and the bag of fritos…lol. Perfect. I agree, good to take a step back now and then. SLV said she thought she might have to leave the blog for work reasons, but then said she’d still lurk or write under another name…. but then something happened, I missed it, but she left. Alonka, I don’t know what happened to her, but I hope she comes back.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:12pm

  313. 313: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I really should get to bed, 7 will be here too quickly… I would love to stay up and chat with you ladies, but I need to take better care of myself, and that includes rest.

    Goodnight lovely ladies :)

    Patience, I’ll read up on you tomorrow :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:14pm

  314. 314: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    LD – someone friended me on FB and didn’t want to tell me their RR name, and I unfriended them. FB for me is pretty private, and I made this promise to myself to actually “know” everyone I friended. So if you or anyone has friended me without a personal message, it’s been declined.

    Except for some really interesting artist guys, haha…

    but in general, it’s not for promotion or business it’s just for me and I do like to keep it real…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:15pm

  315. 315: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    It wasn’t me, but feel free to add me if you want. I feel pretty certain we have some mutual friends on there. Summerbaby, PG, Lilybelle and Tinque for sure. Any of them can tell you who I am on there.

    And I agree about the FB thing. I have my parents, kids, boyfriend and all my work colleagues on there, so the last thing I want is any reference made to the blog. It’s my only sanctuary from all of the people in my life who are constantly trying to run my life. LOL.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:20pm

  316. 316: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks LD – I never post on walls of RR people – except Katarina and a few others, but it’s cool to message with. And get a glimpse of us in real life.

    And, time for this little chick to go nest up too….so see you all bright and early – around 2 p.m. ish…

    heee…

    Sweet dreams everyone!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:28pm

  317. 317: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Jacqueline. I owe you an email. When I find the medium’s biz card in the unholy mess of a bottomless snake pit (aka “my purse”), I will email you her contact info.

    I know several psychics, intuitives, and mediums personally. Some are better than others. Some seem like fakers to me–maybe they have a gift, but they’ve turned it on its ear for profit…but this woman…she was unassuming and shy and new to her gift. And she was the best reading I’ve ever had. She just seemed sincere. And very spot on for me and my date. I don’t really pursue readings, and I take them with a grain of salt usually, but she presented a picture of my parents that was very real for me. Even if it’s “not true,” it was healing for me, so in my book, that’s all good.

    Here are some interesting things she said:

    – My mom apologized for not being the mom I wanted–she did not know how to show love, but she is so proud of how I am raising my kids. She wishes she had known how to be more affectionate and open with me.
    -My dad is humored by my current life and is happy that I am reveling in my free-spiritedness now. He is protecting me from “verbal daggers” from a group of pesky women at work.
    -Mom says a new job is mine for the asking–I need some training/a class, and then I can propose it and get lots more money and challenge.
    – I need to stop asking the Universe to send me my mate. I have asked (and asked and asked). My angels have to start over each time, which is delaying his arrival. Thought that was hilarious (Me: “I want a tall guy who is smart and sexy and kind and funny and charming and rich..and…and…” Universe: “We get it. I said we GET IT!”)
    -My younger son needs to not look up to my older son as much–he’s leading him into “too cool” waters that my younger son can’t handle. (Things like, “Boy Scouts is gay, dude”…and my younger boy did not join as a result).
    – My older boy “needs to wear a raincoat.” Advice from his grandfather. Greaaaaat…I’m so not ready to be a grandmother!
    -My older daughter acts like she tells me everything but she does not. My littlest daughter will be the light of my life forever, and is going to be a teacher.
    -My older sister, who died in childbirth, and after whom I was named, is around me. We are a blend of her spirit and mine, which is why I am…ahem…”a handful.” My father said she had to pass so I could come through. He says he could not have handled both of us!

    Like I said..interesting, fun, healing, fascinating… who knows what is true or “real,” but it was fascinating.

    Oh, and I suspect the reiki dissolved my kidney stones. Not so much as a twinge since last weekend. We shall see…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:30pm

  318. 318: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    How did you guys find each other on Facebook without giving out your identity on here? I would love to FB you guys, but am also very nervous about making any reference to the blog. In fact, I recently FB’d that Jonathan guy that had an article on here not too long ago but he had a link to the blog article on his FB page so I didn’t feel comfortable keeping it and deleted it right away.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:30pm

  319. 319: LDNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl,

    you can email me at CarolinaGirl2011@ymail.com and send me your FB link or real name and I can add you. That’s the email address I use for internet blogging/dating.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:34pm

  320. 320: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    hi Tmizz,

    love your thoughts #148 about circular dating.
    that’s pretty much exactly the way i feel about dating, sex, even phone calls and emails…

    I made the mistake of letting my husband (now ex) talk me into discussing other relationships with him and ooooh i will never do that again with a man.

    for one thing, i felt violated by him prying but we were newly married and it seemed really important to him to talk about it. but in retrospect, i can see that it seeming so important to him should have been a warning even though the way he justified wanting to know seemed semi-reasonable at the time.

    so now i feel like my business is Mine.
    a man’s business is His.
    I will not ask.
    i will not tell. :)
    it was before I met him or before our committment to one another, so I don’t care.

    i care very much going forward though, after a committment has been made…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:38pm

  321. 321: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. Was my psychic-babble weird? I just realized that may make me look really flaky…

    Going to bed…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39pm

  322. 322: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks LD – just sent you an e-mail.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:39pm

  323. 323: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – no it was fascinating and thank you!!

    My realest reader passed away, and I was the last phone call she made about 10 minutes prior – she left me a voice mail. Everyone else just seems fake compared to the Incomparable Rita! and I was used to getting readings regularly and having info that was unguessable thrown in….so I’m really looking forward to it and glad you found it healing. I love the things she said about your children, too. My BFF’s daughter actually changed the name of her daughter to match the initials Rita saw, when no one even knew the daughter was pregnant!! And it is a huge GIFT! Thank you so much…

    T-girl, you find people by their email – I’m jlinaangel@yahoo.com but stick a message with it if you want to friend me, ‘kay? and thank you!!

    Manana everyone, lotsa love and hugs…

    J

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:48pm

  324. 324: LDNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl,

    sent you a FB request

    Jacqueline-sending you one too.

    wish I could find a good reader with all of the changes happening right now!!!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:52pm

  325. 325: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline – just sent you a FB request but it didn’t let me send a message with it.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:54pm

  326. 326: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    There’s no place for a personal message on your friend request form. But LD is also my initials….

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 9:55pm

  327. 327: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I find it interesting that I feel strong desires to have another glass of wine, (when I’m already at my comfortable limit tonight) eat junk food (when I’m not hungry) or have sex with D (who is not here) as a relief to the stress I’m feeling about my son and my job. Addictive personality triggers I was not aware of before. HMMMMM…. maybe I got the guy but still need more work and healing in other areas?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:00pm

  328. 328: LDNo Gravatar says:

    wow Jacqueline and TGirl!!!!

    Both of you are just so pretty with such a sassy vibe!!!!

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:05pm

  329. 329: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    hi lurker,

    from your recent comments it seems like the “women dating four men and having sex with all of them” issue is still on your mind.

    i do have to tell you that i personally don’t know any women who WOULD. a far more likely scenario is for us to “attach” if we sleep with a man just once. usually, if we liked him and slept with him, we’re going to like him alot *more* and not even WANT to be with anyone else.
    of course this isn’t the case for every woman, but i feel safe saying “for the majority of women”.
    so this, then, is the issue alot of us here are wrestling with… attaching to men who don’t want to be attached to… as opposed to having totally unattached in-the-moment jungle sex with every tom dick and harry that we find attractive…

    HOWEVER! I do personally advocate that if a woman WANTS to jump into bed and screw her eyeballs out of their sockets for the just plain pleasure and fun of it with alot of different men she should have every right to do so without being labeled Just like men have that right within society and aren’t labeled… :) …i’m a child of the sixties/seventies … what can i say? :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:10pm

  330. 330: LDNo Gravatar says:

    janjune,

    I agree with you completely. I had a no sex boundary when I was CDing for my own sanity, but I don’t feel it’s fair that a sexually promiscuous man is applauded as a “stud”, while an equally promiscuous woman is demeaned as a “slut”. It shouldn’t be a double standard IMO.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:14pm

  331. 331: LDNo Gravatar says:

    While I was CDing, I actually HOPED I could get to the point of sleeping with more than one CD at a time, but the closest I got was feeling attracted to 2 of them at the same time before I slept with D. I never did sleep with ministerCD. I felt like that would be the epitome of rockstarness if I could do that and not feel attached to the outcome with any of them….

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:24pm

  332. 332: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    LD and T Girl, thank you – you are lovely, both of you and it feels good to have you as friends!

    Janjune…ditto on the 70’s. And ditto on the right to do it without censure, without labels, without comparrison…. even when we don’t, smile. Good to have you back!

    and g’nite all

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:24pm

  333. 333: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    hi turquoise3,
    love your name.

    ” I saw him as a person. Before I saw him as a potential mate, future husband, family memeber, step parent…. not just as a man. It was so interesting. ”

    this sounds like a very good place to be! bet he could feel it too :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:25pm

  334. 334: LDNo Gravatar says:

    OK, I guess I am alone on the blog, so I will go to bed now and try to sleep. I’m going to ask for a peaceful mind over this job decision…

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:26pm

  335. 335: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    hi ld,

    i actually don’t think of it as promiscuous (?), it just seems like a private matter that every person decides for themselves to me, you know what i mean?
    whether they will or won’t with who how much? always and only that person’s own decisions and their own business… imo

    i really thought society had moved away from viewing women who choose to have sex on their own terms as sluts, guess not…

    lol
    i’ve been out of circulation for quite a while :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:38pm

  336. 336: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    goodnight jacq

    goodnight ld

    goodnight goddesses

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:41pm

  337. 337: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    I have never cheated nor been cheated on, to my knowledge. I’ve never had the opportunity, and I just don’t operate that way. If I ever felt like I was “cheated on,” then it was because my partner(s) were giving more attention to another woman friend than I was comfortable with, but it wasn’t “cheating” per se.

    Elizabeth – Hello to a fellow MT! I agree with what you said, and it really resonates with me, too.

    I’ve also noticed, recently, that a lot of men, on their profiles that I read, express that they are sort of jaded or cynical about the online dating thing. But they keep “signing up for more”…Kind of like me, i guess.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:50pm

  338. 338: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    i think this one concept embodies this whole program for me right now:

    “…AND HE AFFIRMED ME”.

    yes.

    …he wasn’t looking for something, trying to get, trying to get away from, wasn’t distracted, trapped, scared, bored, disinterested, “somewhere else”, or *with* somebody else.
    he was there, *with* me, saw me and affirmed.
    he said yes.
    that makes him safe to let in a bit.
    that makes him available.
    now it’s my turn.
    do i want what he’s offering?
    does it add to and not take away?
    does it feel harsh, like a grinding on my spirit?
    or open to infinity?

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 10:55pm

  339. 339: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t cheated either. But I did break an engagement/relationship bc I was tempted by someone else and slept with him and then wanted to get back with the first guy again and marry him but he was too heartbroken and angry at me. He was a very good man.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:01pm

  340. 340: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    boomer,

    this is hysterical :)

    “I do better if I … stop obsessing over the fiber in one Cheeto (as if there were any).”

    rofl

    maybe i should try ww if it really works. i’d like to drop 20 lbs. but will prob do that as soon as i start working in the yard… whenever it stops raining cats and dogs. still good yo know that ww really works.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:02pm

  341. 341: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    i worked the whole of yesterday.
    feeling happy about it.
    daria, thanks for yesterday’s post.
    meemee

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:02pm

  342. 342: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    hi lucy :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:03pm

  343. 343: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    So, I had two dates this past weekend, and I am EXHAUSTED! I mean, mentally and emotionally. I know this stuff is supposed to build our confidence, and I do like the fact that I had two men chatting with me at the same time Friday night, and I ended up having dates with both of them. (plus a future planned date with a third.) But honestly, I get a little bit drained each time I go out with someone.

    And then afterward, processing everything that comes up during the dates. That may take even more of my energy.

    They were two completely different guys, which was interesting. I “showed up” for them in a lot of ways, or at least I thought I did, or tried to – staying open to what was going on. Not trying to control the outcome, etc. I used some feeling messages. But I noticed myself shutting down as well, sometimes about things I couldn’t quite explain, even to myself.

    Today, I was trying to focus on bonding and connection and how does that work or happen in my life, and all I kept feeling was that my bonding mechanism is somehow “broken.” I keep drawing men in, and then not being able to “do” relationship with them. At one point, it seemed so easy for me. now I don’t know why it is so challenging.

    I am not sure if either of these dates will turn into seconds or thirds.

    I made a painting of one of them. he was especially beautiful to look at, and I suddenly had an urge to paint, which I haven’t had in a VERY long time. I like how it came out, although I did it from memory, so it is not an exact likeness. I am debating with myself whether or not I want to tell him about it. Part of me just wants to keep it for me. I guess I’ll sleep on it.

    Meanwhile, I keep thinking about this other CD, who I think I pushed away. I don’t know why, because he should be irrelevant. But I noticed he has a nice new picture on his profile. And also that he was online today (even though he told me he was “seeing someone”). So he’s obviously still looking. And even though I have absolutely no reason to believe this, I feel an odd certainty that part of him still really wants to come my way (yeah, I might even know which part;). I just know it isn’t going to work if I try and make a move on him at all, even though I kind of want to. I don’t even know why he would be important, or why it keeps coming up for me.

    So I am still dating. This is stressful. This is working me something awful. I am really having to CONFRONT these demons and confront who I am, aren’t I? lol

    And the other thing I like right now is the “stop climbing” tool from Rori’s recent eletter. I like that feeling of imagining just being suspended in space, supported by your own rope, your own dreams, your own body weight, holding you to the ground. So much easier than trying to grasp and climb.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:10pm

  344. 344: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    i haven’t cheated either.

    i always just broke up with them if i didn’t want to be with them anymore.

    i mean… why cheat? although waaaaay back i did kiss a couple of men i knew were married… well, three. but no more than kissing.
    and i knew it wasn’t right even though it was just goofing around and fun and playful…

    but really, i don’t respect men who don’t have the cajones to break up with a woman when they don’t want to be exclusive with her anymore after having made a committment, hence, probably, my aversion to these men who initially i was attracted to …

    because i can remember thinking after i kissed them “well, i wouldn’t want HIM if he’ll kiss me when he’s married”.

    i was young… :)

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:11pm

  345. 345: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    @ Lucy #342 – Me too!!!

    Well, sort of. I didn’t sleep with the other guy, but I was “tempted” in that I felt attracted, and at the time, I thought that must have meant there was something wrong with the relationship I had. In fact, I just kept thinking that generally, even though nothing happened, and it was otherwise “perfect.” (You would not believe how romantic it was, how cute, and how also physically pleasurable. It was like the idea of what we’re all shooting for here…)

    I, too, wanted to go back and marry the person I was engaged to, but it didn’t work, I think for the same reason.

    And I still don’t think I’ve quite gotten over that. I feel guilty. I haven’t quite forgiven myself, and now I get scared whenever guys start to talk about marriage. Even though it’s something that I “want,” I think part of me is afraid that something similar might happen, and I don’t know if I could go through that again. I feel committed to NOT doing that again. I feel committed to making a choice that I feel really strongly about so that it doesn’t happen. But part of me just doesn’t quite trust myself, or I wonder if they can trust me, since of course the whole basis for the meaning of the word “fiancé(e)” is “trust.”

    And I think that’s what feels “broken.” Ever since that relationship, I haven’t really been able to connect with someone in the same way again. It’s quite painful and sad for me. It’s like I want to, but I’m really afraid of what will happen if or when I go down that road – and maybe even more afraid of what will happen after marriage, since that is such a huge unknown for me, even though it’s what I believe I’ve been meant to do, and have been built for all my life.

    *sigh*

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:22pm

  346. 346: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Janjune! Tmizz, it took me a looong time to heal from that. On my wedding day to my now ex-h, I was still hoping for my former fiance to show up and take me back! How awful. He actually got married a week before I did – to the girl he dated before me (and he gave her the same diamond ring he had given me first!) They are still married, four kids, one grandchild. Anyway, I think I chose my ex-h to punish myself for what I did to M. I too have been concerned that I will again sabotage a relationship with a

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:42pm

  347. 347: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    good man like M. (TN man thinks I sabotaged it bc I was running a program of “love = I want it but can’t have it or I don’t deserve to be happy”). So I’ve worked thru that and feel “geared up” to Not sabotage the next good thing that comes my way.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:46pm

  348. 348: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    The only guys trying to contact me these days are the toxic gutter junkie I dated last summer (I keep blocking his # but he texts from more #s and I don’t answer) and a john from 2 years ago (I blocked his # and the # of anyone like that.) I guess that’s fine. I try to keep an open mind by thinking they’ll be someone else I’ll like again. But I go out with my friends and every guy just turns me off no matter how good I feel about life that day.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:52pm

  349. 349: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    For me this means accepting a man’s flaws – not looking for every little reason to move on. I have been looking forward to practicing this. I thought I was gonna get a chance to do so last summer with WH – I was already noticing his flaws and getting myself accustomed to them. lol. And preparing myself for the bigger ones that were yet to be revealed. Sorta bracing myself for a storm … like, there’s gonna come a moment when I want to run away like I did with M, but I need to push thru it and love him.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:53pm

  350. 350: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I mean be thinking there will be- not they’ll be. Ew. Damn apostrophes. Damn Oxy80s.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:53pm

  351. 351: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I hurt my leg tryig to rollerblade today. Hence why i took a pill.

    Monday, 25 April 2011 @ 11:57pm

  352. 352: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Ain’t nothing by-the-book about Adam -his interests, his crazy life experiences. And yep, you and Black Barbie would make for a great trio on the town. I always have protein in my salad. I was chunkier when I was vegan. But thin when I was raw vegan. But I’m too lazy to be raw vegan, so now my diet is mostly raw vegan but I eat meat and sometimes wheat.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:05am

  353. 353: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline 297. Wow. Thank you. I feel teary (in a good way). I feel open to the few men who are coming towards me, but not terribly inspired by them. Just receiving what they offer. There is one who inspires me somewhat but it’s still online at this point – I will call him Mr. Secret bc I can’t speak openly of him bc it’s quite likely he is lurking here. But you are right about it being so close with WH! It would feel wonderful to have the relationship my heart truly wants. I am open and ready. Thanks! <3

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:07am

  354. 354: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I missed my eating disorders group meeting today. I only go sometimes. Oh well, the $25 fee I’d have to pay means I’d have to forfeit grocery shopping tomorrow.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:11am

  355. 355: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lurker, Rusty – thank you for your responses to my posts. Yes, I have received them all. I’m reading…. and will be back later when I’m through.

    Thanks again!!

    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:59am

  356. 356: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey I am off on a dinner date. This is 5th date with Dr Guy. He hasnt kissed me yet..ho hum…

    I got my black pants tucked into black boots , a really yummy rust red crinkled French silk blouse , long hair flowing and I feel 15 , not 51 :)
    I rock….
    I rock….
    I rock….

    Well, I am working on it !

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:59am

  357. 357: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I miss SLV too. I hope its not health problems .

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:04am

  358. 358: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    RE: #304 – “Brenda – bad is the new good??? Love it! and you!”

    LOL! Yep, you got it! I love you, too!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:21am

  359. 359: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #285 “I’m wondering if you are still un-liking me?”
    I’m wondering, too. It depends on which side of yourself you show to us, I guess (and which is the more authentic one). But then, do you want everybody to like you? You’re an intelligent woman, you sure know that’s impossible.

    “I’m feeling you get very triggered and sounding more and more fem – instead of sensitive.”
    Previous thread, #449 “I find feelspeak makes me hostile and juvenille and annoys the heck out of me. ”

    Indeed. Btw, I think that whole comment #449 is very telling.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:31am

  360. 360: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Back from gym
    Rippling with energy.
    i am loving it.
    Meemee

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:56am

  361. 361: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #332 “from your recent comments it seems like the “women dating four men and having sex with all of them” issue is still on your mind.”

    Well, Janjune, “Circular Dating” happens to be the topic of the story here. So, is it surprising that I post at least one comment (@ #24) which is on topic? I’m not obsessed with that issue, though.

    “I do personally advocate that if a woman WANTS to jump into bed and screw her eyeballs out of their sockets for the just plain pleasure and fun of it with alot of different men she should have every right to do so without being labeled”
    I never said anywhere she doesn’t have that right. However, let’s not pretend the world is better than it is. There are prejudices and labels. That’s reality. And I’m not a perfectly rational human being, either. Of course, that would effect my judgment. Which doesn’t mean it’s a total NoNo for me, only that I would have dire concerns if she’s a good partner in the monogamous relationship that feels right for me. Btw, I also think that men who act in that way are less likely to be faithful in a relationship.

    “i’m a child of the sixties/seventies” So am I. I guess those children aren’t a totally homogeneous group!
    :D

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:23am

  362. 362: KrystalNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,
    What is the “Walkaway” Tool you mentioned in your post? I want to make things work with my BF but we are currently not talking and we don’t live together anymore so we don’t see eachother either. As of right now our status is in Limbo and its killing me.

    I have been strong enough to drop the ball and am trying to move on but the fact that this is hanging over mjy head is killing me.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:50am

  363. 363: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    254: Boomer~

    This thing happened to me too, although we hadn’t met yet.

    “You are so pretty. Would you like to communicate a bit?”

    ME: “Daryl (I knew his name too) We already have communicated. Thanks anyway.”

    It’s funny…and just a numbers game. Sending out tons of emails in hopes one will stick. lol.

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:53am

  364. 364: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    365: Krystal says:
    ” What is the “Walkaway” Tool you mentioned in your post? I want to make things work with my BF but we are currently not talking and we don’t live together anymore so we don’t see each other either.”

    Krystal, I don’t know much about your story and I’m not sure if that is exactly the tool you are looking for. Sorry if I have missed where you have posted before. My suggestion would be to have a look through the different categories in the Post Directory for Rori’s blog. All the headings for previous articles are listed. Just start reading through the ones that sound like they apply to you. xo
    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/post-directory/

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:14am

  365. 365: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rusty and Lurker for your responses to my posts. I felt good reading and appreciate your caring. I feel safe sharing my feelings with you on this and welcome what you have given to me as you pov.

    Rusty says:
    I went back and read your posts. OK, let me say this…if I were intimate with a woman and dated her for 5 months, I don’t think I would want to go on vacation without her, but if I did, I would at least tell her, and likely tell her why I did. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own?

    ME:
    – Yes, Rusty, that is the exact point. You wouldn’t go on vacation without ‘me’ and so the question remains why? He did tell me. He apologized and said it was a “spiritual” trip for him. This feels bad to me because he DID ask me to go with him at first, then suddenly it turns “spiritual”. So I’m like, what’s the difference – don’t say it’s nothing to do with ME, yet you are apologizing to me for reneging etc.

    Rusty says:
    I can say this..if you are CDing, you have no right to be angry about that…IMHO. You may feel angry and that IS your right but what I am saying is that I don’t feel you have a right to make an issue of it, to him, if you are CDing. My opinion is that if a woman is CDing, then the men also have that right.

    ME:
    – No, he went alone. No woman, friends etc. I asked, and that was it.

    – He knows that I don’t want to be a girlfriend and that I am open to CDing men. Of course, he feels how any man would feel about it. But I have not actually dated other men…. I CD myself, friends and fam – just what I’ve been feeling comfortable with so far.

    “On diary needs”…
    Rusty says:
    Now, let me also apologize for my first post to you. I admit that I was triggered by what you were saying because I would not be OK with being put in a small box as it seemed you were saying that you did with the man in that post.

    – Thank you and no need to apologize re. your first post to me. I got that you were triggered and that is okay. What I feel good about is now reading your explanation of why you were triggered. That definitely helps and gives me more insight.

    – I totally agree that it would make him feel un-Alpha. We did communicate about it briefly that kinda took the pressure off – but I still have not been able to express to him what I really feel, or why this feels important to me at this point. There is a very straightforward reason.

    – At the end of the day it is not about keeping him out of my life, or anyone else, but the opposite. In a short while, I’ll be going into 18 hours per day of studio time and that freaks me out, plus weeks where I’m just gone. In theory this doesn’t actually make me available for a relationship but in practice I believe that anything is possible.

    – So anyway, I don’t really want to comment on this right now because I don’t want to speculate and I don’t want to feel bad about anything…. especially my studio time, which is for a SPECIFIC and it does not mean that anything is a SPECIFIC way – but as I anticipate from my past – it is pretty rigid for highest discipline.

    – It is no wonder my post felt ‘Alpha’ to you – and it is :) because it’s my work :) and it’s just natural for me to use my masculine energy for my work.

    Rusty says:
    It seemed you reacted very negatively to a man who stepped out of that box. So this leads me to this “HotAmazing” man. Does he feel like he has to walk on egg shells? When people feel they must do this, they tend not to be honest, for fear of provoking the bear.

    ME:
    – You are right on the mark on this. I do feel him walking on eggshells sometimes and that feels worse. I hate to think that my one line can make a man walk on eggshells. I don’t want this – especially coz he IS Alpha. It would feel good to me if he just did what he wants coz he is the MAN.

    – And not that I ever got upset about anything. Just something I might say, then I notice him walking on eggshells. And in my mind I’m like “dude, what are you doing?”. But what can I say – he is the MAN and I want him to lead – it’s the only way I feel good.

    – I don’t always say everything that makes sense. Or it may just for the moment – I feel okay with exploring and considering all sorts of possibilities. I feel exhausted with explanations. I’m just game – and that’s it. But it’s up to him when he wants to figure that out.

    – I’m pretty sure I’ve triggered you Rusty :) – but truth be told, it’s about having the relationship “I” want. And a man who is maybe not sooo serious hanging on my every word, but still respecting my boundaries, perhaps would feel better to me.

    – I do realize their is a part where we are not communicating effectively. We’d have to spend more time together and him bring up more stuff instead of assuming stuff…

    – I feel bad not spending enough time with him. I feel bad when he pushes stuff under the carpet. I feel bad trying to sweep the stuff out so it can get addressed. I don’t want to struggle in love…

    Rusty says:
    I think that you and he should talk about this when you have the chance. Have a deep talk, and use that talking object method that I have mentioned in a few posts. If you can’t find it, ask and I will type it again.

    I would talk about not only this Easter vacation thing, but also how both of you feel in the relationship, if you are both getting what you want and NEED out of it, and if not what it is that is missing.

    ME:
    – This feels good to me in theory. In practice, I guess sitting here thinking about it, I feel emotionally drained. Perhaps, I’m not really emotionally available due to my pending studio time. I don’t know how I feel about that right now – … I feel resigned to thinking about it. A “long, deep conversation” feels very tiring to me right now and very “blah blah blah”

    – I guess the idea of “talking” too much about the relationship has me feeling turned off. I feel emotionally drained and I don’t want to be “convinced” that I need to be there.

    – Rori advocates that for a Siren men are easy. “Long deep talk” just feels hard to me. There’s got to be a better way… and probably CDing for me feels better.

    – But thank you. I do understand your pov and see how it makes a difference. Actually Rori brings this up at the Commitment stage of her work – perhaps that’s why I feel drained. I’m not IN a committed, loving relationship where I feel cared for and secure – so it feels like “working hard for love” to me – and I don’t want that. I feel okay with exploring this more though ….

    Rusty says:
    …this all boils down to the drama you say that you created just prior to the vacation. Keep in mind hat we men are not robots, we too are thinking and wondering what is going on in your head, and we can, and have been burned in the past. Even an Alpha has feelings and can be hurt…badly.

    It does seem that he cares for you a lot, but is also maybe a bit freaked out by some of your drama and afraid of being hurt, or getting into a relationship with someone who will tie him up in knots with her wild emotional swings.

    ME:
    – Ok, I get this. Two things:

    1) What I call “drama” was very mild. I don’t want to feel guilty or judged for having emotions – feeling sadness and anger sometimes. I guess I don’t want to explain…. it feels like overfunctioning and I don’t want that.

    2) If it was the “drama”, it would feel better if he just told me. Like “you know we haven’t sorted out our stuff and I would feel more comfortable going by myself until we do. Not that I don’t care about you but just what I feel would be good for the relationship right now” And I would be like “okay, great, thanks for letting me know and that feels good to me”.

    Because, at the end of the day I don’t want to be paraded in hotels in my country. My profile and reputation is important to me and I would not consider myself obscure, so this would feel totally appropriate to me if he was not 100% sure of us.

    I feel good about going on vacay with someone who loves me and sees an LTR with me. Yes, then I feel happy, secure and loved. Even if I have to miss out on one vacay with him, that’s okay, I can wait.

    However, to say it is “spiritual” and at the same time apologizing to me, has me feeling abandoned, neglected and questioning what feels important to me, which is:

    – bonding

    – experiencing emotional intimacy

    – being loved and feeling secure in a man’s love

    – timing

    – being happy in my future.

    It has nothing to do with:

    – venue

    – him doing whatever by himself.

    Rusty says:
    I think it was a mistake not to explain. I can also see how it might have affected him mentally when at first, you did not raise an issue about the one room, but then did so when it was brought up later. His mind had obviously traveled down the path with this notion of having one room, and it must have felt like a withdrawal to him. Like second thoughts, etc…

    I do not feel that it would have been a mistake to mention your concerns, and to simply say that it would make you feel more secure knowing that you have a room to retreat to if things don’t go well. Of course, this might have triggered him to say something along the lines of not planning on anything going badly.

    ME:
    – No it was not brought up later. It all happened in the same convo. HIM: “I’m thinking of us going to blah blah for Easter vacay, should I book? ME: ooh yes, that would feel good. HIM: But I don’t want separate rooms… etc”

    – I did go into expressing what would feel good to me and that I didn’t want to be “apart”. I realize later that he ended the convo because he assumed I was not yet comfortable being with HIM.

    – So when he kept quiet so did I. It seemed he was done, which he was. But with the wrong info.

    – My reasons really are my dressing and feeling secure with a place to go incase anything went wrong.

    -I had a terrible experience in my past… however, based on the way we are together, I trust him like crazy and KNOW that our time together would be wonderful… so my past was not important.

    – When I told him later that I would reconsider the rooms it was because we had been intimate and I was already bathing in his bathroom and I noticed how he was and gives me space (unspoken boundaries as Jacqueline mentioned) – so I felt good and I felt I could do it and it would be okay.

    Rusty says:
    OK, I am now to the part where you said you don’t want his crumbs. First let me say that I do think you have a winner here. He’s not perfect, but neither or you, nor am I. Nobody is. But he does seem to be someone who you could spend your life with, somebody who wants that with you. But this means making adjustments, which seems is a tough thing for both of you.

    ME:
    – Ok, feeling judgement and icky.

    – How would Rusty know who I SHOULD spend my LIFE with

    – Yeah, so he’s great! I know that, but he LEFT me out of Easter vacay – and I’m still angry

    – So no thanks! I don’t want his CRUMBS!!

    Rusty says:
    I can tell you from experience that when life interferes, it was hard to stand on that ship seeing all of those wives and girlfriends and knowing that mine was not there among them. Usually she was, but a couple of times she wasn’t able to be because of school.

    I remember once I looked and didn’t see her. I was 100% certain she wasn’t there. Then I happened to see her come around a building that hid the parking lot. Even at a long distance, I knew it was her and my heart went from hurting to soaring among the clouds in a microsecond. As I watched her walk toward the pier, she looked like a tall glass of ice water to a man about to die of thirst.

    ME:
    – I LOVE THIS! Thank you for sharing this. It feels good to read and I feel so hopeful, warm and tender reading the last line. Thank you for this!

    Rusty says:
    What I do sense is that he is a good man and that he wants something serious with you, but I wonder if he is feeling that maybe you are a bit too high maintenance, or toxic. I wonder if he is afraid that you come packaged with too many warnings and caution labels. Is he afraid that you will bring TOO much drama into his life? This is a big question for me at the moment.

    ME:
    (Ok, feeling icky reading the word “toxic” in a sentence about me. I love my icky feelings. I love my uniqueness. I love me!)

    So I was saying….
    – Well, yes. And it is not the first time I’ve encountered this “high maintenance” line. In the past, I used to feel bad about it and try to think of ways to “de-whatever” myself to make myself whatever is “not” high maintenance. Realizing that this was complete bullsh1t.

    – I made a rule for myself and yes, it comes on the carton box labeled “Queenbee” – that if a man EVER called me “high maintenance” – I would just walk away and THAT IS IT!.

    – To me it is abuse and I won’t put up with it. I am just me – the yummy pie. It is HIS lack of understanding that brings him to this conclusion. And HIS stuff – projecting and insecurities. NOTHING to do with me.

    – If he wants it EASY – let him go pay some hooker – but I’m NOT up for it.

    – And yes, I am feeling triggered – coz I HATE this label and I HATE that so many AMAZING women have to deal with this labeling and think it’s their fault.

    – I am NOT high maintenance – I am unique! I KNOW this and I love my uniqueness!

    – There are men out there who just “GET” me. All types of men – and this feels good to me. These are the men I want in my life – no compromises, and that’s just it.

    – If he is not one of those men, then so be it!

    At the end of the day, here is what I see:

    – I don’t know the TRUTH of why he left me out of vacay. It feels really bad and it feels like crumbs just going back to him. What he told me doesn’t feel sufficient because it feels confusing re. the relationship. We had an amazing date, agreed to sexual exclusivity and he talked about how much he missed me etc a couple days before….

    – The only thing I can consider, is perhaps he wants me to say that I won’t CD men and then it will all be fine. But I won’t say that.

    – Another possibility, is the fact that we had not “talked” about our stuff and he just felt like going by himself in that regard – which is fine, but he did not say that was it.

    – And it could be both possibilities. But I don’t want a passive aggressive man.

    He sent me a text yesterday: “Hi Queenbee. Hope you are fine. I am back. Need to unpack, do quick laundry, then I will call you. Kisses”.

    (Ok, feeling icky… unpacking and laundry seems more important than me? I feel insecure… I love my insecurity. It would feel good to be with a man who makes me a priority in his life….)

    And I did not respond. And he did not call. (Doesn’t break his word… so… anyway… you get it….).

    And now he is online – on my skype – and I’m invisible. Haven’t figured out a way to delete him ….

    Yes, I know – some may say “what a stubborn Queenbee”. – Ok, I’m not committed to being stubborn, but right now I don’t want to do anything.

    Until I feel that shift in me of how I can heal and grow from this, I’m not willing to DO anything.

    – Lastly, I guess my couple last thoughts are this:

    I had a bf a while ago who used to spend over $10,000 to take me on vacay for a couple weeks anywhere in the world. My dad, who is Dr. Majorly-Annoying at times, when I felt upset over something a couple months ago and refused to go on vacay with them (parents), he actually called me, told me how depressed he felt that I did not want to go. And I could feel it, he was truly hurt. I thought about it, and of course I went and we had an amazing time together.

    So this for me, just SUX beyond all words. I don’t want to be treated badly and I don’t want to accept bad treatment for it to continue.

    In my world, I can’t IMAGINE a man or anyone not wanting to be with me/ take me on vacay. It is just the nature of where/ how my life is/ works at this point.

    I feel loved in general by men and people.

    So unless there is something that can make sense – I simply cannot settle for less.

    And the last thought is that both you, Rusty, and Lurker said that you would STILL have taken ‘me’. So you see….?? That’s just it.

    What to do now…

    I don’t know… maybe read Rori’s self-esteem category, get out there and CD and let this “thing’ work itself out organically….

    I really get that it is ME who needs to change here. I feel good about that. Not even necessarily to GET HIM but for the purpose we are ALL here to “HTRYou/ I/ We/W”.

    With my pending studio schedule – perhaps I am NOT emotionally available – scary and I don’t wish to believe this, feels limiting… I feel better about opening myself up to being available in all contexts of life.

    Whoever I’m dating would need to be privy to this otherwise it would feel very confusing.

    There is A LOT I have going on and focusing on MY passion feels good to me right now.

    Thank you Lurker for your response to my post. It felt good reading and very much in my ‘vibe’. And it feels more like what I can do right now….

    Not that Rusty does not have amazing wisdom and insight into this – and I LOVE IT!!. It’s just that my response to it would need a more siren vibe. And I feel that reaching out to him to “talk”/ responding to his texts – feels like crumbtaker, overfunctioning, not doing the tools, which I am committed to btw.

    Thank you for all your help. It is a pleasure having you both on Siren Island!

    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:27am

  366. 366: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh boy – I think I should bake a cake as a pressie to myself for having the longest post on Siren Island.

    Feeling scared of judgement… It would feel good to have shorter posts… like no kidding. I’m sure I will soon…

    Thanks Sirens and please bear with me….

    Feeling weird about apologizing for myself…

    Where do I feel I’m not deserving..

    Go to mantra….

    I deserve love!

    xooxox

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:30am

  367. 367: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    “I do realize their (there) is a part where we are not communicating effectively.”

    Apology for MAJOR grammatical error – I was editing.

    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:37am

  368. 368: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #369 “the longest post on Siren Island.”

    That’s the almost inevitable outcome when you take one of Rusty’s lengthy posts and “fisk” it, Queenbee!
    :D

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:49am

  369. 369: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee,

    I can’t find the part where it says how long you two dated before he went on his vacation?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:51am

  370. 370: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker, don’t you sleep?!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:53am

  371. 371: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #374 And you, River Girl?
    8-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:57am

  372. 372: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Mel and Turquoise,

    Not to far into my marriage, my husband wound up with an STD. I miraculously escaped getting it and still not sure how. My ob/gyn asked me if I trusted my husband and how long had I been married. So it would seem that he cheated on me right before the wedding or shortly after, because the STD could take some time to appear after exposure.

    We talked about it and he said that the exposure could have been from people I had been with when we first started dating. I was confused and young and in love and wanted to trust him (and only had two other partners prior to him).

    In later years, I dodged a cancer bullet discovered after surgery for another issue that is specifically linked to another particular STD. Since he was the only man I was sleeping with, I can only assume he was not faithful.

    I never thought much about it, because I believed he was always at work when he was working late.

    I bring it up because I can count on one hand the number of times in our marriage that he initiated sex. I lost count over the number of times that he had a headache, or was too tired, or just wasn’t in the mood, or you fill in the excuse.

    It became a means of his control over me…. withholding sex. He told me it was because I didn’t turn him on anymore. My self esteem was in the toilet.

    If I had it to do again with what I now know… I would spend way more time making myself happy… if I wanted sex, I would self pleasure and hopefully let him catch me at it. I would stop letting it be all about him… I wouldn’t worry so much about his stress and what he was going through, I’d focus on what I could do for ME to help me feel better.

    I twisted myself in knots in my marriage trying to walk on eggshells because he was always so stressed out. In the end, I withdrew from him because he could never be happy for me and often found ways to knock the wind from my sails. I’d tell him good news from my day and he’d tear it down and leave me feeling deflated in 10 minutes.

    It turned out he was covertly verbally abusive and I never realized it.

    Mel, you have no control over how he feels and what he’s thinking. So the only thing you can do is take care of you. Be happy – work on being the best you possible. Determine to feel good with or without his partnership in the relationship.

    Looking back I can tell you that I thought we were so great together and I was constantly trying to reestablish that. But today having a guy that treats me absolutely wonderful and is constantly initiating, I have something to compare to.

    Having a man that is totally into me and treat me well shows me what I truly deserve. It’s a great feeling.

    Mel, since he is the one wanting space, I would give him a TON of it. I would become so self sufficient and work on giving myself the love I wanted from him. It will seem difficult at first because he will occasionally turn and you will feel the love from him and think, oh he’s back! but you gotta consistently provide it for yourself if he’s ever gonna come back to stay.

    I know he hasn’t left you, but in a sense he has… he’s holding back. So take good care of you, because you deserve a man who will give you his heart and his body. Anything less is crumbs.

    hugs,

    Summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:59am

  373. 373: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @374

    Haha, most nights! Just been catching up on this very long thread and thinking you must either not sleep or survive on little power naps!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:03am

  374. 374: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee,

    Two things really stood out to me about your post. I am not defending your man-it would feel icky to me too to be dating someone and them go on vacation without me. But 2 things you mentioned I felt could make the difference in how you see him.

    “Because, at the end of the day I don’t want to be paraded in hotels in my country. My profile and reputation is important to me and I would not consider myself obscure, so this would feel totally appropriate to me if he was not 100% sure of us.”

    Perhaps he knows this about you and was showing you respect by not taking you with him? Because he is not exactly sure of the relationship or because he doesn’t think you are sure of it since you are still CDing? Maybe he’s not sure how to handle it if people recognize you?

    And the other point:

    “I feel good about going on vacay with someone who loves me and sees an LTR with me. Yes, then I feel happy, secure and loved. Even if I have to miss out on one vacay with him, that’s okay, I can wait.”

    So the real issue is that his actions and words aren’t making you feel happy, secure and loved. Because if you did, you wouldn’t mind missing this one vacation because you know there will be many more vacations. Maybe what’s making you feel icky is that you don’t know if this man wants a long term relationship or not.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:08am

  375. 375: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #376 Hehe, River Girl, I do sleep, and not only short naps. Think in bigger dimensions. But shhhh! I love to have some secrets…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:17am

  376. 376: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    I should have also said that I actually LIKED it that the issue was still on your mind.
    It seemed as if it was just something you just couldn’t quite reconcile (I may be reading something into it that wasn’t even there but you saying
    “Of course, that would effect my judgment. Which doesn’t mean it’s a total NoNo for me, only that I would have dire concerns if she’s a good partner in the monogamous relationship that feels right for me”
    makes me think my conjecture is accurate).

    anyway, I don’t know… this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but feeling that that issue was important to you (being a man) made my heart feel very soft and warm. for me it tied in with what rori teaches about a man when he steps up and “claims” a woman.

    It’s good to have you here. You’re very good at explaining a man’s pov. I love knowing these things you’re sharing, it’s causing my respect for men to grow and fear of stepping out to meet new ones die out a little. So many men seem “off”, especially the ones on online dating sites. You’re making me feel safer, feeling there really actually ARE good ones out there running around.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:26am

  377. 377: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Well it’s almost Wednesday here so goodnight Sirens and Sailors.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:26am

  378. 378: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #375 SummerBaby, that’s a sad story (the part about how he made you responsible for the STD is shocking!), but I admire how you told it. Shows a lot of reflection and awareness! And I’m glad it has a happy end.

    I think it’s interesting that there are some parallels in this to what Mel told us. Her hubby didn’t go actively after sex with her, too, and even encouraged her to initiate it. Only to reject her time and again. This is abusive, too, even if it may be unintentionally (not being mindreaders, we don’t know). After all, what’s the point in giving her the lead, when the problem with the missing sex drive is on his side? Does he get an emotional kick out of her begging for it?

    That parallel may be a total coincidence, of course. But regardless what’s behind this, this situation isn’t healthy in a LTR, and Mel’s hubby should see that, too. If he is commited to the marriage, he should do more to address this issue and to find a solution that works, imho. Let’s hope he’ll realize that soon. Mel deserves better than this ignorance.

    Btw, SummerBaby, was there a difference in the way your hubby behaved before the marriage and later? Aparently the marriage led him to simply take you for granted. Or was he always like this, from the very start? Just curious, sry!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:44am

  379. 379: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #380 Nightynight, Girl! Have exciting CDs in your dreams.
    8-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:46am

  380. 380: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @331 LD – I was thinking that about you two as well. Hot mamas!! lol

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:21am

  381. 381: LDNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I feel surprised to realize how much of my self esteem is tied into my job. Isn’t that more of a masculine energy trait? I’m having issues with my job and am feeling very insecure now. My vibe is really low. I told D about what was going on, but I even feel insecure that he won’t like me as much if I just have a “job” with my company and not a shining career path. I know it’s just the NVs because he is amazing and has given me no reason to worry about him or our relationship at all.

    Makes me wonder how many past relationships I sabotaged by projecting my own insecurities and self esteem issues onto the man….

    If CDing is the way to work through self esteem issues that have to do with men and relationships, what’s the process for working through self esteem issues in regards to work and career? I really want to work through this so I can find all around happiness and balance…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:26am

  382. 382: LDNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl,

    AW! thanks for the compliment! Just made my morning!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:27am

  383. 383: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Krystal pardon me if I get technical here but you mentioned “killing me” twice in one post. I wanted to bring that to your awareness because the way how we think about things can affect the way we feel. I also believe it can affect our physical health. As such I wanted to ask you, is it really killing you?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:31am

  384. 384: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala I am happy to see you are back. I really missed you.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:33am

  385. 385: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    To Turquoise3:

    All of it. From your light and easy re-opening the door between you to not bring up that he had been absent, to letting him lead the conversation and letting him ask for your company and not expecting more, to you now seeing him as a person instead of a role you might like him to play in your life.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:49am

  386. 386: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve not posted in a while as I’ve been busy with work, studying and sport so trying to catch up.
    I’m not CDing any men but CDing plenty of family, friends and….. myself….. for the time being.

    FP: so great to hear your father is doing well!!

    LD@11: That is so great to read and I finished my last relationship after a few months as felt it wasn’t going where I wanted it to but like you, previously I would have let things drag on a lot longer but I don’t have time to waste at 40!!

    Mercedes@48: this is so great to read!

    Turquoise3@98: thanks for sharing your story and I too feel why didn’t I find the Rori way earlier …… it would have made the years a lot easier!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:49am

  387. 387: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #379 Aww! Janjune, I very much appreciate your kind words.
    :-)
    Indeed, there are lots of “good guys” out there. Most of my friends belong to that group. Many of them seem to think they’re not “bad boy”, exciting, witty, outspoken, afluent etc. enough, not close enough to the “ideal” masculine image spread by the media. They also have made negative experiences in relationships, where they felt they weren’t really appreciated as men. Which makes me believe they would fall for “Ms. Right”, armed with Rori’s tools, in a heartbeat!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  388. 388: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Been working on Heart Connection Toolkit and focusing on me and some stuff has cropped up over the past couple of days:

    1. On Easter Sunday I found journal entries about the guy I finished things with last August and I got so emotional and cried and had to go to bed to sleep and re-energise. There were constant reminders of him over the weekend…… maybe cos we spent last Easter together he was in my subconscious? I felt so sad and low but managed to bounce back an hour or so later but boy was that a Trigger with a capital T!!

    2. Then…… today my ex contacted me through IM at work, it has been 8 weeks since I finished things with him. I have not contacted him in any way since we broke up although I had to see him in the office for 5 days after I finished it which was awkward but I survived!! It was strange to see his name pop up and he asked me how my Easter was and what I was doing for this long weekend. He asked if I would be going to where he lives (as my mum lives near there but 400 miles from where I live) and added a smiley face but I said no, that I would be out of the country. I must admit it felt good he contacted me and we had a nice friendly chat and it made me smile but it has thrown me and I don’t know what to think about it, or maybe I just shouldn’t think about it. I’m sure I’ve read on one of the other posts that ex’s tend to pop back at the 2 month stage so what does this mean? When I finished with him I told him I didn’t want to be just friends and I didn’t want a text/IM work relationship as I was looking for a real relationship with communication and spending time together so I feel it was pretty brave of him to IM me and re-initiate contact. But, it has distracted me from work now!!

    I see we have some male company here on the blog, welcome guys…… and I’d be happy to hear your take on this too from a male perspective.

    Still have more posts to read……

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  389. 389: PatienceNo Gravatar says:

    #359-Rosa–YAY for you! Hope you had a great time.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:10am

  390. 390: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #384 LD, I’m somewhat glad to read that it wasn’t a worse surprise (I initially thought you had become the victim of downsizing or restructuring). However, this sure is a difficult situation for you. And I wonder if the interests of your younger kid should really trump your own ones. You already contributed so much to your family, should you always put your own interests behind those of all the others? How much of a difference would an education in that other state make for your kid, really? Imho you should weight all the pros and cons (if you haven’t already done so) and also check if there is a compromise solution somewhere.

    And imho you should talk with D about your concerns about your job (maybe in a general FM, like ‘I feel that my job situation influences the way people see me’). You have enough to worry about now, it would be a good idea to get this off your chest. If he’s the right guy for you, he will show you that he loves you, not your title on the job. And he will back you in your decisions. He’ll even appreciate that his opinion is important for you. That should give you a much needed moral boost, enabling you to find the best option. Xing fingers for you!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:15am

  391. 391: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ladybird 390: Thank you! It lost some of the impact when it went through the edits but I’m very happy you still like it. I like being a living example of why CDing works…for both the guy and the girl. J will tell you that no matter how hard that period in our lives was, he’s grateful for it because it forced him to face thoughts of the future with me. He thinks (really believes) that if he hadn’t been put in that place he might still be going along as we were and taking for granted that I would always be there no matter what.

    Personally, I don’t think any guy should ever know a woman is going to be there “no matter what”. There are limits to what we can and should put up with. Circular dating helps us find those limits…it helps us see what we really want…it helps us stay focused on ourselves and what makes us happy…and more than anything, it helps a guy see that convincing a woman to choose him for the rest of her life is a beautiful thing.

    J knows he wins over anyone else. He also knows that losing me is not something he wants to ever risk. He knows that I’m not afraid to do what I need to do to take care of my own emotional needs. He knows that I chose him over everyone else. That feeds his ego and confidence. I think it’s cool to be the woman who gets to feed his ego and confidence. Ask any coach anywhere and they’ll most likely tell you that the way to a man’s heart is to show and tell him how wonderful he is. Men need to feel confident. The woman who helps with that is the woman he’ll keep.

    As much as people think circular dating is a blow to a man’s ego…I think the opposite. I think when a guy knows you chose him over others and when he knows he had to work hard for that…he gets to puff his chest out a little.

    Maybe some guys would rather it be easy…maybe they’d rather a woman waited around the house while he decides what he wants (for me, this is the description of ‘weak’ and ‘blinded by lust’ from above). But I think most guys (at least the ones I would find attractive) would rather see a little challenge thrown their way. No drama…no tears…no fighting…no arguments…no compromising or giving up what she wants…just straight up fair and square competitive challenge (for me, this is the opposite of the description of ‘weak’ and ‘blinded by lust’ from above).

    Gives a guy a rush. Ever make love to a guy on a rush? Yeah… ;-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:19am

  392. 392: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LD, one thing I remember several coaches saying is that men don’t care what your resume or career is…they just care about how you make them feel. So I don’t think your issue with your job will affect your relationship with HotArmyGuy.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:20am

  393. 393: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    He ran hot and cold while dating. I left him after about 6 months because I knew he was going to break my heart bad with his all or nothing antics and moved away. He chased me down and proposed. He was very into me until children, then everything changed.

    He became jealous of the attention I gave to the kids. He was jealous of everything and everyone. The more I did to reassure him, to show him how dedicated I was to us as a family, the less attractive I became.

    I developed hobbies to keep myself occupied. He criticized them and made me feel guilty for them. I realized about 6 months ago (We’ve been apart about 7 years now) that I had stopped doing a bunch of things that I used to thoroughly enjoy. I’m now working on reestablishing my enjoyment of them and dealing with the guilt as it comes up.

    I cannot prove with 100% certainty that he was cheating on me. I still believe that he wasn’t… but then I cannot explain the physical issues that arose with the STDs. Am I naive or do I just want to believe that he really did love me in his limited way? Doesn’t matter at this point.

    I guess the biggest thing I am seeing is that twisting yourself in a pretzel for anyone else’s happiness is counterproductive to your own.

    Mine reacted like he’d just woke up when I left. He pursued me and promised change. Since I was always open and communicative about EVERYTHING, his assertions that he didn’t realize how I felt were not well received by me. He never took me serious enough to do anything about it until I said I am done.

    Took a while to wash the WELCOME letters off my back, but I finally did. This is not to say that I was without blame in the relationship as it takes two. I take full responsibility for my part. In the end, we were two very different people with very little in common.

    I deserve to feel good, and I CAN do that much for myself. Raising my self esteem, and creating a life for myself that my guy can be part of if he steps up, or not, the point that is the most important thing here is that I choose to be happy. I open up my feelings to him and let him know when I am down.

    It’s taken me a long time to believe I deserve love and happiness. I still falter and stumble. I believe it’s a process.

    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:22am

  394. 394: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Mel reading your comments, I feel like telling you to just rant and rave to the point of blasting his head off but I guess that won’t achieve anything. I can only imagine your stress level but as Summerbaby says maybe the best thing to do is take care of yourself. I guess it is not the end of the world and there are other people out there that have worst situations dealing with. Big hugs

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:24am

  395. 395: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    390. The Lurker says:
    “They also have made negative experiences in relationships, where they felt they weren’t really appreciated as men.”

    Oh, I would be grateful if you could say more about this, please!

    What kinds of behaviors or words do you think made them feel that way?

    My feeling messages with the last one mostly seemed to trigger blame for him, with the resulting over-reaction of anger and resentment.

    I felt as if he really didn’t care about my feelings at all–it was all about him.

    He was extra-sensitive because of being accused of things in his last marriage, and it makes me wonder if the slightest little indication that a woman is asking to be treated differently, or for more real emotional honesty, pushes that button.

    would like to hear your thoughts!

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:24am

  396. 396: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    Thanks for the post and the advice. I agree that there are great educational opportunities no matter where I should choose to go and I was ready to pack up and move both of my kids in order to further my career, but the opportunity the younger one just got is a once in a lifetime opportunity. While it’s true that I have sacrificed a lot for them, this is something I just couldn’t deny him. It pretty much secures his future and he’s very, very excited about it.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:27am

  397. 397: LDNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl and Lurker,

    Thanks for the encouraging words about the job. I don’t really think anyone will like me less if my job title changes, but I do struggle with the NVs. I never realized until now how much my self esteem was tied into my career success. Any ideas on how to change this?

    I know you’re both right about D, it’s just me feeling insecure. I’m still in that “pinch me, I must be dreaming” phase with him. He is so amazing and so much better of a man than I ever thought I deserved or could have. I feel so grateful. I know he doesn’t care what my job is. He told me after our first couple of dates that the only thing I have to do to make him happy is to “just show up”.

    Just gotta make those NVs shut up!!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:35am

  398. 398: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    more for you, Lurker…

    With all his challenges, I was still willing to hang in there and develop the intimacy and love…what he deep down wanted too, but every time I expressed what would feel good to me, or what I didn’t want, he lashed out saying he was being attacked. It was if he was trying to sabotage things before they really got started. I detect a hard shell there.

    Like LD said:
    “Makes me wonder how many past relationships I sabotaged by projecting my own insecurities and self esteem issues onto the man”

    but all indications here are that this was much more true on his end, and it was being projected onto me.

    I wasn’t being too demanding, suspicious, jealous — far from it.

    I only wanted basic courtesies and not to feel like I was involved in a shell game.

    There is no doubt I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:38am

  399. 399: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV -I hope you are alright …I have been thinking about u…u are sure missed here…:(

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:40am

  400. 400: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    260: LD says:

    I asked for the best and most happiness for me and my kids and within weeks I met D, who has been simply amazing.
    ————————-
    Okay..i just skipped to the bottom of the post to write this but this is what I thought when I read #260… I got goosebumps and felt VERY excited for you….

    You did ask for the BEST right?

    What if it is coming in different packaging than you expected?

    What would happen if you relaxed your grip … the grip that has kept you and your kids safe and secure, I know…. and as you watched all the changes unfold just feel a bit of excitement… like maybe you don’t have to row that boat either…what if the BEST is better than you could had already planned? And it’s unfolding because you asked… and you were ready? And your kids are ready too….

    Oh, and I’m telling this to myself as well… you do know we teach that which we most need to learn right?….LMAO… yeah… I’m gonna go practice what I’m preachin’….

    If I’ve just repeated something that was said 10 times …sorry… I’ll go catch up on posts now…

    Angels on your body
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:40am

  401. 401: LDNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    Yes, I’m trying to relax my grip and just TRUST that the BEST in the other areas is still coming. I’ve already seen proof in the form of D, who makes my 100+ Cds of the past almost 3 years pale in comparison. He even makes THE EX pale in comparison, and I NEVER thought I’d say that!

    But I’ve been rowing so hard and for so long by myself it’s gonna take a whole reassessment of who I am to let go completely. I have always been a rower. I gotta figure out my new non-rowing identity.

    But I’m trying. I’m not completely relaxed, but my knuckles aren’t blue anymore either…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:47am

  402. 402: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    I’ma loving that post of yours. I’m gonna take it to heart too..

    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:48am

  403. 403: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Re: Cheating.

    There are lots of “tempted cheaters,” but Kaitlyn and I look like the only real cheatin’ hos here! I suspect some of the other cheaters just aren’t confessing though…

    ;)

    “Cheating” was not in my make-up. I was a really good Catholic girl. Like that Tom Petty song, “Freefallin'” ….”Shes a good girl, loves her mama. Loves Jeeez-us and America too. She’s a good girl, ‘crazy bout Elvis…loves horses and her boyfriend too…” Guys, seriously, I had a Mary shrine in my room and I was the fricking May Queen in 8th grade.

    I saw someone from high school recently at a neighborhood bar I went to with some friends…she was one of the bad girls. I was pretty toasted and told her that I been divorced twice, had messed around on number one, had a litter of children, and was lookin’ for another man…she cracked up and said, “You? You were the All A-Freakin-Merican girl! if you’re a cheatin’ ho, then what does that say about me???”

    I guess my point is again about the “mistake” thing. It’s not mistakes and you’re not a horrible person. You were just where you were and made some decisions.

    What can I do to help you, Kaitlyn??? Cuz I find I want to…rather than focusing on “Ad-dumb” and what a prize he was, let’s talk about how awesome Kaitlyn is, shall we??? Why she’s the prize…

    Do me a favor??? Tell us three things about you that are fabulous. That you love about yourself….

    I can start…other sirens, tell us why YOU are fabulous too…let’s get a cool vibe going here for Kaitlyn…

    I am freakin’ fabulous because:

    – I am smart as a whip.
    – My sexy curves are kickin’!
    – I am one of the best mothers I know.

    OK, Kaitlyn…and other Sirens (and the Beastie Boyz if you wanna chime in)…your turn!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:53am

  404. 404: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    It would be nice to hear from SLV to know if she is alright and how things are going for her.

    If she is reading, I’m sure she feels grateful for our concern and that her unique presence is missed.

    I can understand about being busy, and she did mention how addicting the blog is, so she may just be taking care of herself in that regard.

    I find this to be true as well.

    And am probably going to need to scale back some here, too, because I really, really, need to focus on work and taking care of myself more and it seems to take up a lot of time reading and responding here, as much as I love doing that and everybody here.

    Hi SLV!!

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:53am

  405. 405: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes: He thinks (really believes) that if he hadn’t been put in that place he might still be going along as we were and taking for granted that I would always be there no matter what.
    I like what you have to say on this, it really resonates with me.

    My girlfriend told me that I probably gave my ex a wake up call although this was not my intention as it was my focus to take care of myself and my feelings. Even although my ex and I both agreed we were at the same point in our lives, ready to settle down, have a family and had a great connection, compatability and chemistry, his actions didn’t match his words. The situation was making me sad so I had to have boundaries and walk. I didn’t blame him just stated how I felt and that maybe that we didn’t want the same thing after all…… and now today he contacted me after 7 weeks of not seeing/contacting each other. I’m wondering WHY he has contacted me again?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:55am

  406. 406: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks a lot Boomer, now I’m gonna be singing Tom Petty all day long!!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:59am

  407. 407: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #406 Boomer…
    Okay….

    1) I am an amazing quilter/fabric artist
    2) I am a fabulous mother
    3) I am drop dead sexy

    Hmmm… I do feel better… Kisses to you woman!
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:07am

  408. 408: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I am freakin’ fabulous because:

    no reason,

    I just AM!!!

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:10am

  409. 409: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 410 Elizabeth I was watching a SATC episode and the other night and your comments triggered a memory from it where Carrie was sharing what she needed from Aden. Something to the effect that “I have never lived with anyone before so this might not come out quite right as I have never done it before or have had to deal with it before. I need you to not talk to me for 1 hour. I will be in the next room but I want to it to be like I am not here”.

    So I am wondering if you could use something like this, “I am not criticizing you, this is about my feelings and I need to express myself honestly, is this a good time to talk. I am not sure I am saying this right but sometimes I feel attacked. I understand you had some unpleasant experiences in the past but I would like you to help us find a way to relate to each other in a healthy way that honors each others feelings.”

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:12am

  410. 410: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ladybird: It might have been a wakeup call. It might be because he misses you. I might be because he was bored. It might be because he got a new puppy. It might be because the alarm went off or he burned dinner or he’s seen the light…LOL

    What I mean is it totally doesn’t matter why he contacted you and you may never know. He’s the only one who knows why and he probably wants to either keep that to himself or share with you when the time is right.

    What does matter is this:

    “his actions didn’t match his words” and how you feel now.

    If you feel good about the contact and if you don’t forget to pay attention to whether or not those actions have changed, then it’s all good.

    My advice…don’t compromise for your future, pay attention to how you feel, pay attention to what he does and make sure you don’t waste time and you don’t fully give your heart to a man who isn’t ready for it.

    Meaning… “you should circular date”. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:15am

  411. 411: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl @ 299: that is so lovely and I’m gonna print that off and stick it above my desk!!

    Turquoise @253: wow, that it’s great and I think it’s been a great learning experience for you!! As long as you didn’t have any expectations then why not?

    LD @ 255: changing allows more opportunities into our life! If we keep doing the same, we keep getting the same….. if you want different, make changes.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:16am

  412. 412: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #408 Ladybird “I’m wondering WHY he has contacted me again?”
    Can’t it simply be that he didn’t get much pus.., uh, positive female feedback recently?
    :-)
    Well, I have to admit that was the reason why I tried to hit on an ex (who was still a good friend) every now and then. I was only hoping for sex, not for a revival. I knew we both hadn’t changed, and that it wouldn’t work out as a relationship. Uh, she didn’t really appreciate my new advances, though…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:22am

  413. 413: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, I hear you!

    It felt good to hear from him and it made me smile but I’m totally focusing on me and it felt good to tell him I’m going away to another country for the weekend showing him I’m not sitting around moping around after him. I think he’s used to women chasing after him, wanting his attention, but I ain’t one of them.

    I’m CDing my friend this weekend and then going to a ball the following weekend so lots of CDing planned.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:24am

  414. 414: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    412 FP

    Thank you for that.
    I feel really sad right now.
    He said he is sad and disappointed
    at what might have been and returned christmas gifts.
    That felt callous and mean. He
    couldn’t just have gotten rid of them,
    he had to return them. Like, what did
    I ever do to you, dude? I never yelled and
    screamed at him like a crazy b*tch.
    He always said I was stronger than him.
    Maybe he can’t live with that. I dunno.
    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:31am

  415. 415: LadybirdNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker @415: that made me laugh! I feel it’s hard for him to dedicate time to a relationship as he obsessed by his sport although at an age where he’s going down the rankings hence his move towards settling down, family etc. I think he likes female attention, receiving texts from women he knows and who ‘like’ him a lot but not the kind of guy to put it around as he works hard and does so much training. I also feel he’s a little bit scared of commitment, at 46, never married and never lived with a woman?

    Mercedes, you have set my head straight, thanks, it doesn’t matter what the reason is but I feel good that I was open and friendly and the next time I have to see him in that office, it won’t be as awkward.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:33am

  416. 416: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooo, I like this!

    1. I am radiantly gorgeous
    2. I have a smile that melts hearts
    3. I am a sweet and loving partner, friend, sister, daughter

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:40am

  417. 417: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Missing you too SLV!

    Is sweetie keeping you busy?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:44am

  418. 418: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #398 Liz, I feel a bit uncomfortable taling about the reasons why guys feel unappreciated in a relationship. After all, I’m no coach, and so my “database” limited to my own experiences and those of friends. Ok?

    Well, I have three cases in mind where friends told me almost verbatim that they felt unappreciated by their longterm girlfriend/wife. For two of them, it was the feeling that they were seen as standalone entertainers by their women. They were responsible for providing fun every single evening, with the girls not even offering any ideas, only a steady stream of criticism and open boredom. They didn’t feel they were rewarded in any way for their efforts, quite to the contrary, it was a regular point of arguments. That really dragged them down. Btw, that was something I experienced with a girlfriend, too, and it was exhausting.

    The same guys complained about their ladies’ lack of intellectual interest in news, politics , arts, science, virtually everything except fashion, pop, and travels. So, this seems to be related. Probably mismatches, where the intial passion distracted from the fact that the partners were not compatible in the long run.

    Another point raised, in two cases (overlapse) were high materialistic demands. The guys were concerned their loved ones had no real grip of finances, and still expected them to provide a lifestyle that was actually above their salaries. For one guy, who was really madly in love with his girl, it became so extreme that, over some time, he spent all his savings on her wishes. And then she left him, btw. Of course, those friends felt depressed that their financial contributions to the relationships, resulting in they themselves cutting back on their own wishes, were never really honored, but always seen as not good enough.

    There were more such stories, friends complaining about missing respect or appreciation from their girls, but those are those were I remember the details. I’m sure a relationship coach like E., who has to deal with such stuff every day, could provide many more insights. Would be nice if he weighed in.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:00am

  419. 419: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman –

    Thanks so much. I missed you all as well, but just had to detox a bit from the addiction that is this blog.

    I am amazing because:
    There is no one quite like me
    I am the most caring, supportive friend and mother
    I can find beauty everywhere

    Confession: I was bursting with anger the other day (lack of sleep, hormones, whatever) and just couldn’t resist sending an e-mail to P letting him know that I was angry at myself for falling for the setup, for being the man, and for trusting without wisdom. I shared that I was angry at him for being passive, for saying “what you see is what you get” and leaving the interpretation up to me and copping out by not saying anything when it was clear that my interpretation was incorrect. I ask for forgiveness for my part in the disaster that was our relationship and asked him to pray and break any soulties that might still exist on his end because I still felt tied to him, but didn’t want to be.

    Yup, I did all the wrong things! However, he responded with strength. He wrote back the next day agreeing that he had, indeed, been wrong, that he had failed in his role as ‘leader’ in the relationship (in accordance with our shared faith practices..ymmv) and asked for forgiveness as he, in turn, forgave me for my part in it. We wished one another a happy life and said goodbye.

    It felt good to end it as adults instead of as wounded children. I know, according to Rori, that closure isn’t needed, but I felt that the distance between us had brought so much clarity and the emotions tempered enough that I’d give it a shot without expectation. Of course, that’s what I say now…it was really an impulse e-mail that was written with a tight rein on emotions.

    Anyway, just wanted to share. I’m loving catching up with everyone’s stories but am sad that SLV is gone. :(

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:16am

  420. 420: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    421

    OK. Thank you, for answering, Lurker :-)
    I will comment more later,
    gotta run
    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:32am

  421. 421: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala thanks for sharing that.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:39am

  422. 422: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 377 – LD, Thanks so much for your response and caring.

    Yes, don’t know why you want to defend him…??

    I’ve been doing nothing….

    We’ve dated for 5 months. We are sexually exclusive and we talked about an LTR w/ marriage (his idea) and we had agreed that we both felt good about it.

    So yes, his words and actions make me feel unloved and insecure.

    Thanks Lurker – at least that makes me feel better about my long post – let’s just blame Rusty – lol, kidding Rusty – no blame here :)

    xoxox

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:47am

  423. 423: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    It’s definitely Rusty’s fault!!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:03am

  424. 424: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    ;-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:04am

  425. 425: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    RE 384 – LD, if it were me, I would do nothing. Just chill out and relax. Trust him to lead. Your relationship is still young… so if he comes up with something crappy, just be on the look out. But it depends on how much you can trust him?

    When they are really the good guys, it’s amazing how well they lead and come up with all types of wonderful solutions to everything.

    Just believe that you can have it ALL and go for exactly that. Because you can!

    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:22am

  426. 426: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Whew…. love this power of positive thinking!!!! I took my van in for a repair this morning, was making a loud vibrating noise, was getting louder… started to worry about the safety issue. So, while taking it there tomorrow, I just kept saying out loud to the universe, that it was going to be a small repair, not more than $200.00 and I SMILED while saying that. Because I can afford that much easily.

    They just called me, it’s a tensioner and belt that need replaced. With labor, $175.21~

    Yeah me and positive thinking! :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:23am

  427. 427: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LG I’m having a temper tantrum… maybe hormone induced…

    I’m listening to AH and keep hearing that we get what we expect…..

    Well I EXPECTED to hear from RM… I EXPECTED him to do/be what he said he would…. He’s the LAST person on the planet I EXPECTED to disappear without a SINGLE word! It pains me to admit, but I EXPECTED him to be the “all that and a bag of chips” keeper…. he had all the signs…so WTF do I have wrong?

    If there is a God I’m lucky I haven’t been struck by lightening today…though… I don’t really EXPECT that to happen… God’s very patient with me….

    I’m in a bad bad mood…if I hadn’t just paid for my subscription I would be taking my profile down on the cowboy site…. and I was so pollyana positive the other day with Lilybelle about that… sorry Lil… I’m in the toilet today… don’t really feel like crawlin out either… may just swim here in germville until I get all pruny….

    I really resonated w/what Pam said she did… and have to confess that (before I read what she did) This am I left RM a message saying that I officially felt really bad, that he was the last person on earth I expected to disappear w/out a single word.. that I guess I must have done something really wrong if he couldn’t even talk to me again… that I hoped his gravity boots brought him back to my planet cause I liked him even better after I met him then I did before..

    I know I’m a BAD siren… a non-siren even…I’m feeling a bitterness coming on… my BFF said a few weeks ago that she could never see me being bitter… well I think she’s wrong…

    I seriously want to be left alone by men if they are not here for more than a passing wave/date/wtf ever….

    I feel like I could be the evil sirens that EAT or drown men… that’s the pissed off going through me now…

    Geez and just a couple days ago I was so sweet and peace-filled doing The Work… and even day before yesterday feeling positive listening to AH….

    I feel like a complete failure….

    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:29am

  428. 428: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m freakin’ fabulous because
    1) I shine as brightly as the rising sun
    2) I am ambitious, determined and I never give up
    3) I’m stunning, sexy and loving to everything in nature

    Thanks Boomer! Love this!

    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:39am

  429. 429: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Awww PG, I’m sorry you are feeling so terribly, but please get out of the germy toilet. Go sit outside, feel a breeze, get some fresh air and something good to drink and cry if you feel like you can. It totally sucks when they disappear. I don’t get it at all. The only thing that I can think of, is that they don’t think that they can be what we need, so they pull back. I really don’t think they like to disappoint us, and sometimes they hope we will be the one that will inspire this big change in them…. but the reality of us not being perfect, shows up and it bursts their bubble. I think men are less tolerent of flaws then women. Not saying you have flaws…. just that he must think he can’t give you what you are looking for.

    Breathe PG! You’ll be ok!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:42am

  430. 430: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, PG. remember asking God to shield you from the ones who are not step up? Maybe that’s just what’s happening. And the Power of Attracton (PoA) stuff tends to work on your truly-held beliefs, not so much your expectations–that’s my take.

    So if your deep-down belief is still “men all leave,” then it may still be happening just that way: they leave you. And I also understand that such vibe shifting can take some time until you are firmly entrenched in a belief of “men all love me and stay! And really, they’re starting to get on my nerves…leave already!”

    Now having said that, part of the PoA theory that bugs me so much is that it feels kinda blamey: “You do not believe! You are bringing this negativity onto yourself!”

    I dunno–am I babbling?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:45am

  431. 431: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    ((((PG)))) I know the feeling! :( A friend just posted on fb that we often expect something with our mind, but deep in our heart we expect something different – and that’s what goes wrong. So the task is in healing what our hearts expect. Not an easy task.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  432. 432: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know though… When I met WH, I thought sure “this is it!” – and it felt so obvious to me, so clear deep in my heart, and I was shocked when he didn’t want to pursue it anymore.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:50am

  433. 433: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    ParirieGirl – Or just throw rocks at them. lol

    Seriously though, this IS NOT your fault. Maybe he’s skittish or scared or just not able. And maybe he’ll come back. It doesn’t matter.

    Go ahead and swim in your toilet for awhile. It’s not so bad to wallow for a bit, and really, really feel your wallowiness. But I do suggest you get out before someone makes poopoo.

    This will pass, and yeah hormones will affect you in all kind of strange and horrible ways too.

    Big hugs, beautiful goddess lady.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:52am

  434. 434: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey! Is E wearing the same shirt Jonathon is in his pro pics?? Like, are they sharing that shirt? hehe

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:53am

  435. 435: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    PG: omg, you are so cute!

    I feel so amused reading your post. I totally understand where you are coming from.

    I want to write more but just wanted to say this first.

    It’s okay to feel angry and bitter. Your nv’s and shadow are all screaming to be heard, maybe?

    I went through something similar yesterday…worts about it a little…resistance to change…

    Sweetie, it hasn’t been all that long since you saw LM, right? I now we run on woman time, but in man time I don’t think this counts as poofing. It’s only been a few days, yes?

    I know, I know, you want more. You want good morning texts and daily contacts. And you will have that.

    I think this is what AH is saying. You want certain things, and you will have them, but you gotta stop worrying about the stuff that doesn’t match up.

    If you can’t reframe it into a positive scenario, if the negative feelings are too strong. That’s cool. Just feel them and love them. They will morph eventually, more quickly if you just feel them.

    What has been working for me lately is Rori’s riffing tool

    I feel bitter
    I love my bitter

    Can I really love my bitter?

    Ya, it’s okay that I feel bitter. I know it’s not who I really am. It’s an emotion that will pass.

    I know from BK and AH that if I’m feeling badly about something then it means I am believing something that my inner being knows is not true.

    The bad feelings are my indication.

    So I love my bitter because it let’s me know when my thoughts and beliefs aren’t serving me.

    How does that feel so far?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:55am

  436. 436: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    :( I believe all men leave too….. most of the time, it is what happens to me. I feel like I need to practice breaking up with someone. As soon as it starts to get wierd, I need to break it off. But, that isn’t the Rori way. We are supposed to step back, refocus our energy, but leave it open. I never told Tom off, but I sure felt like it. I will say though, I got through it pretty easily, so maybe not having that extra drama or fight with him, let me get over him faster.

    The reason now I see him just as a man, is because he already disappointed me. So, no rose colored glasses….

    I so miss being in love and having someone love me back.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:56am

  437. 437: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Can I make it all about me again?

    But first, Kaitlyn…I NEED you to respond to me…why are you fabulous??? Many other sires have stepped up to say how they are fabulous…your turn…

    OK, back to me…

    Mr. Ohio. Bleh. He emailed me for two weeks after our second date, and as I have mentioned, it was like he was writing to his sister. None of the flirty, sexy (too sexy) emails from between dates 1 and 2. All about “I am so busy” and “I slept through last night’s storm” and “Have a nice day.” No mention about seeing each other again. No phone calls. I replied politely and semi-positively to all his emails.

    Finally, after the fourth or fifth non-sequiter-filled email of his, I asked what the deal was. Are you just trying not to be “that guy” by not just poofing? I said I felt confused and that it feels bad not knowing whether he is interested in me or just trying not to be a jerk.

    It took a few days, but he finally replied and beat around the bush for a few paragraphs. The upshot was as follows: “The chemistry was incredible, but there are just enough disconnects that I am leaning toward dating someone else I have met. But we can keep emailing and explore a friendship if you like.”

    Wha???? Of course, my reaction was “Hell to the no.”

    But I have not written him back.

    What are my options to be most Siren-like at this point (even if I already fell off my Siren rock by forcing him to tell me what his deal is)??? Here are the options I see:

    – Just not reply at all–let it drop. A silent “Good day, sir! And get yo’ a$$ off my dang horse!”
    – Reply with a “Seriously? Hell to the no!”
    – Reply politely and say no thanks to friendship and why–I am not looking for friends, but my “one true man,” and that being friends with a man who tried so adamantly to sleep with me feels icky. I don’t ever want to be “Plan B” or “Plan C” for any man.
    – Reply saying I’d love to be friends with him (Hahahaha…as if).
    – Other?

    Am I missing an option?? What do you all think?

    The truth is–and this context may help you choose the best option for me–he did not appeal to me intellectually or to my sense of humor. I don’t think he understood a lot of what I was saying. He was yummy to look upon though. And so, was he “the one true man?” Nope. I just wonder when he figured out about our disconnects…WHILE he was making out with me and trying to get me to take him upstairs? Before that? After that?

    Yech. I feel so…dirty…when I think about it.

    And in case anyone suggests it, yes, I am CDing my little tuschie off! It’s not HIM so much as the (repeated) rejection. What is my best therapy from Mr. Ohio. What’s my message?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:11pm

  438. 438: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “You start with the negative, you move through it to other thoughts and feelings, you love even your negative feelings, things morph, you go round about until another negative feeling emerges, you work with that one…that’s more what I like to do and suggest. Inundating yourself with just either “negative” or “positive” thoughts seems like way to much thinking, way too much “in a box” – I like movement. I like to feel things move around in me and through me.”

    – Rori Raye

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:17pm

  439. 439: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes… you always make me smile. :) How are you feeling today? <3

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:20pm

  440. 440: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: I am feeling FABULOUS!! Well…except for the fact that J just got home and now he’s traveling again for a couple of days….and I’m traveling one day this week…and I miss him. But other than missing my love, I feel BEAUTIFUL.

    Oh…and my skin is still very, very soft from my spa treatment. :-)

    And how about you beautiful one? How are you feeling today?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:32pm

  441. 441: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty/Lurk I got this from another coach and am wondering what you think about it:-

    Let me tell you a secret. Men may not like to open up about their feelings as much as do women, but they like it when they feel a woman is actually listening to them.

    If you want him to open up to you, here are three magic words you can say that will cause even the most stoic man to find himself wanting to share himself with you.

    “Tell Me More”

    Here’s how it works:
    Susan: “How was your day?”
    Stan: “Fine.”
    Susan (smiling): “Tell me more.”
    Stan: “I said it was fine, what more is there to tell?”
    Susan: “I know you did, but still…tell me more.”

    At this moment, let me tell you what he’s thinking. “Huh, she actually seems interested. That’s odd because I don’t think I’d find it that interesting. O.K. if she wants to know then I’ll tell her.” And he begins to open up.

    Oh it sounds so simple, and yet it works like a charm. He won’t make fun of you I promise. I’ve used this technique with clients for over 20 years and it always works. People love it when someone actually tells them that they want you to share MORE.

    Try it on your man or try it on men you don’t even know that well. You’ll stand out from most women because you will actually seem interested in what he has to say.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:35pm

  442. 442: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Boomer, I’d sit on it for a day or so before replying. Think about what you really want to say so you don’t have any regrets. I understand what you mean about the rejection…. but like you told PG, if he’s not the one, better to find out now. If God is looking out for our romantic sanity, I’ll take it. I don’t know that I’d throw him off the horse. There may be a day when you just want someone fun and hot to hang out with, or call him to come move furniture, etc. At least he wasn’t still persuing you while feeling out someone else.

    I love what you asked about what’s fabulous about us… I know I focus more on what I don’t like sometimes.

    1. I have amazingly beautiful and deep brown eyes. Men get lost in them. :)

    2. I have a huge heart, love to give and take care of others. My girls have a good mom. ;)

    3. I love my outgoing and positive personality. I can make the best of most situations.

    AND JUST FOR FUN: Every man I’ve been with since my divorce has told me how much they love the way I give oral sex, and that I have such a high sex drive :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:41pm

  443. 443: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – If you were feeling as if he’s not up to your level intellectually and otherwise, of course he will feel this to and thus the disconnect.

    If you don’t want to see him anymore, why ask how to end this. Just end it. Thank you and good night.

    “Remaining friends doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t want to feel like a back up plan.”

    If you had a good time with him, thank him for that, and leave it at that.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:45pm

  444. 444: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #444 “Susan (smiling): “Tell me more.”
    Stan: “I said it was fine, what more is there to tell?”
    Susan: “I know you did, but still…tell me more.””

    Yeah, that will work like a charm! Most guys I know will start to tell you boring details about their workday, about their car troubles, about what they had for lunch and other useless stuff. If the coach calls that “opening up”…

    Really, why should a guy talk about feelings after that question? Especially if he, like me, actually thinks talking too much about emotions at a date is a mistake? Because much too often women showed a reduced interest after we did that? Really, I’m not sure at all if being open about feelings too soon is a good idea. But maybe that’s only me.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:51pm

  445. 445: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Amen to Tinque, just the facts ma’am.

    “No thanks. Have a nice life, hot dude.”

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:54pm

  446. 446: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Aw, Turquoise3 and you other fabulous ladies, sitting here alone, reading what you goddesses have to offer, makes me feel very bonesome!
    :D

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 12:58pm

  447. 447: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala,

    I second that “have a nice life, hot dude.” motion.

    Good to see you back here again!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:05pm

  448. 448: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Men are not meant to talk about their feelings. They show them by their actions.

    Women feel. Men do. It’s not to say that women don’t do and men don’t feel.

    But women operate predominantly from the feeling place and men from the doing place.

    K lets me know how he feels. Sometimes. But not through discussion. I know him really well, so I know if something is on his mind. If the feeling persists without him being forthcoming, I may ask if there is something he wants to tell me. If he says no, then he needs to be left alone to work whatever it is out on his own.

    If he chooses to share, it’s not talked about like we would. He doesn’t get all “emotional”, but that’s how most men “talk about their feelings.”

    How he feels is very clear in his action IF I choose to pay attention which I do.

    xxoo

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:06pm

  449. 449: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Re: 406 (Boomer)

    I love the vibe this post gives off. Girl- you’re smokin! ;)
    I love that I look after me, and stand by what I want to do, and what I don’t want to do. I love that I stick by it, Yay me!
    I love my smile. It gives off warmth, sincerity, kindness, and sexiness. I can use it to melt any man. Ha!
    I love my vulnerability, that I can show that I’m scared. I love that I can show it.

    It’s all about the lovin’!

    Oh, and Mercedes- I forgot to post: Thankyou so much for your advice on the previous post :) Your reply meant a lot to me, I really appreciate it. You’re one wise-ass woman! :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:08pm

  450. 450: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    For some reason men usually open up to me about their feelings very soon… even WH… I just smile and look in their eyes and they start sharing their deep feelings – hopes, fears, sorrows, joys … everything. TN man often uses “Tell me more. :)” with me and I love it.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:10pm

  451. 451: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, glad to hear you are feeling fabulous. :) I am feeling rather stressed – two kids graduating in the next few weeks – but also somewhat peaceful, happy, and hopeful. Thank you for asking and for calling me “beautiful.” :) <3

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:14pm

  452. 452: M.J.No Gravatar says:

    Hi Everyone,

    I have a silly side question: My boyfriend sometimes gives me a hard time or teases me about how much he waits on me (in his mind at least). He does make dinner always (I clean up and I offer to help, but he always says he is doesn’t need any) and sometimes he will make me tea or bring me dessert on the couch if I ask. He says (with a smile) that I don’t offer to bring him anything like that, but when I get up and ask if he wants anything he always says no or he is all set. What gives?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:20pm

  453. 453: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 455 MJ I am wondering if you are aware of how this makes you feel and if you have shared your feelings around that with him? Or at least what you would prefer?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:22pm

  454. 454: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I love what Tinque wrote to Boomer. That is the conclusion I have come to as well – men sense when we feel a disconnect with them – when they don’t match up to what we want/need. WH sensed I wouldn’t like his drinking issues; TN man sensed I wouldn’t like his polyamorous leanings. This is tough to accept bc they were great in so many other ways – but they knew we didn’t “match.” (This just in – TN’s gf spent the night w another man who hadn’t had sex in a yr- and had sex 7 times,and TN’s happy about it lol

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:24pm

  455. 455: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Whoops! Sorry Lurker, I forgot about the male presence here!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:25pm

  456. 456: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: I wonder if he is subtling hinting for acknowledgement and/or appreciation?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:26pm

  457. 457: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy there is one guy who uses it with me also but I used to feel like he was probing most times because he was not comfortable with me dating other guys. However, when it was about other things I feel like I was being listened to and it would unconsciously drag out more stuff out of me than I was willing share.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:27pm

  458. 458: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    PG – find the soup Rori talks about….and just sink. Let it all go, maybe you’ll find a treasure. I’ve got to make this short but Daria’s great with it, and maybe others can help.

    Boomer and Turquoise, you all add such vitality to us! Love it!

    Queenbee – You haven’t really seen long, once someone was grateful for the blog as riffing required unlimited toilet paper. heeeee…..you sound good, and thoughtful.

    Lucy, thank you. And in a very repsectful manner I wonder if it’s not only an I can’t have what I want but that even in your wanting – if I’m remembering right you have a very definite “type” etc….if even in that, it’s somehow limiting? and that might go back to the fiance vs. the marriage…it just sounds all tied into a bunch of core beliefs that you’re becomming really aware of and ready to break through. And I know that even with no limits at all, you will find the one that makes you feel top of the world! yeah!

    FP/FW – I missed you yesterday!

    Lurker– If you don’t like me for any “side” I show here, please don’t like me. And if you want to cut and paste my every thought that’s funny….I might choose to use feelspeak as experimental at times, whether I like it or not. Life’s an experiement.

    And I guess I was too beating around the niceness bush- you sound really feminine when you get triggered to me. Like some guys who’d written me who described themselves as “sissies,” NOT saying you are – just that it’s disconcerting for me when you talk about “guys” and your good guy friends and what I’m reading is sounding just like any other woman here.

    Which I’m sure is great contrast and a growing experience for me – not trying to change you, and never did say if I liked it, so nothing to take back. I’m just observing.

    Boomer – awwww….well, technically a married man left his wife for me, so I can join the group of cheaters? and we’ll have more members.

    A lot of women who don’t post much here write me, and one was saying how separate her life is from her husband and how she wants to move on and stuff, and you know what – I think that’s probably common and the reason it’s not spoken of is still social fear. (This would’ve been my ex’s wife….or him anyway and I mean years…and yes she told me that.) So I take back that I don’t cheat, lol, but I don’t cheat IF I’ve said I won’t; but then I rarely say I won’t.

    All clubs need members.

    Laughs and sunny skies to all Sirens and men

    J

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:31pm

  459. 459: M.J.No Gravatar says:

    459: Maybe, but I always say thank you for making dinner and make sure to mention how good he treats me.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:33pm

  460. 460: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the input on Mr Ohio, Turquoise, Tinque, all… I’m not really all that disappointed, just peeved that I let this hot dude get me all hot an bothered and then he’s like, “Let’s be pals!”

    He was kinda dumb, actually. And I’m sure he sensed my surprise that he did not know that his congressman from his very district is Speaker of the House and that the U.S. government was 30 minutes from shutting down due to stalled negotiations. How did he NOT know that? Sigh. So like Rori directs, accept the men who will love you for you…instead of hot, chemistry-laden hunk-a-roos. Accept a slightly political, quick, quirky, nerd…that’s what I need :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:33pm

  461. 461: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, if men don’t talk about their feelings, what does it mean when they do it with me? My dad and my older son also talk with me about their feelings…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:34pm

  462. 462: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    OK, so, Turquoise….Annie Clyde and I like to say of our oral skills that we “go down like a fat kid in dodge ball.” I have been told by every man who has had the pleasure of my oral ministrations that I am the best EV-ER. One called them “porn star bj’s.” I take pride in my technique and that I enjoy it.

    Hee…one more for my list:

    – I could suck the chrome off a bumper

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:34pm

  463. 463: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    And this month’s Allure magazine says 40% of women who go ahead with their marriage know ahead of time they don’t want to! Some divorce in 5 months, some in 10 years. Wow.

    My Bff says it doesn’t matter what you think when you do it, you’ll still find yourself in those separate lives??

    Which gave me warm fuzzies for Mercedes and Tinque’s way!! yeah for keeping love vital!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:37pm

  464. 464: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: This is just a guess…

    But are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages?

    -acts of service
    -quality time
    -gifts
    -words of affirmation
    -physical touch

    it sounds like one way your man expresses his love is through acts of service, ie making you dinner.

    According to this theory, we all show and receive love in different ways.

    It sounds like he shows love through acts of service but doesn’t really want to receive it in the same way, ie he doesn’t want for you to do things for him….which makes sense if you are the feminine and he the masculine.

    The masculine usually feels loved through words of affirmation and physical touch (this is a total generalization, of course).

    It’s along the same lines as how a lot of coaches say men what men crave from women is attention and sex.

    So, it can be really helpful to know what you and your partners love languages are.

    But once you figure out, don’t try too hard.

    Ya know, no need to lay the appreciation or words of affirmation or physical touch too thick. That is leaning forward. But maybe try different things subtly to see what he responds to. Or you could just ask him.

    And of course always always pay attention to how you are feeling through all this!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:37pm

  465. 465: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer – I was so dissapointed (and kind of furious and condescending) that my guy didn’t know that too! But then I got EMK’s eletter about Tin Man vs. Lion and it felt okay. It’s an amazing letter and I think his blog post today is more on it.

    Really makes you think about your ideal imaginary guy (well or your real date ha) vs the who would you live with to make you happy guy!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:40pm

  466. 466: M.J.No Gravatar says:

    467: Laughing Goddess: Wow, I think you are absolutely right! I just took the 5 languages of love test and my language was quality time and I did say ot my friend that I bet his was acts of service. LOL

    Thanks for your response, it made me smile. :)

    xoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:42pm

  467. 467: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jaqueline: My arm is much better. Thanks for asking. :-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:44pm

  468. 468: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Re: cheating – the man I broke my engagement to sleep with was married, so he cheated but I didn’t. ;) TN man’s motto is similar to what Jacqueline is saying – he never technically cheated but then again he rarely promised exclusivity – his motto (which he also applies to non-attachment to outcomes): “Nothing promised, nothing lost.” Jacqueline, I don’t actually have a “type” – it just has to feel better being with him than it does being alone.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  469. 469: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: I think he wants you to bring him tea. Or not ask but just grab a knife and say “why don’t I chop the tomato this time.” or somthing like that. Lots of appreciation for what he does and lots of forward thinking about what he might want too.

    For example, when J gets up to get himself a bottle of water, he always brings me one and he always opens the lid for me. He never asks if I want him to, he just does. And when, for example, I make tea or pour a glass of wine, I always get him some too. “I brought you some tea”. Not “Do you want me to make you some tea?”

    If your relationship is very new, he’ll likely say no if you ask him. Like going to someone’s house for the first time. “Would you like something to drink?” “No. I’m fine thank you.”….as he gets more comfortable, that could change.

    If your relationship is more comfortable than that, I wonder if you can see a mirror for what he wants. For example, do you ask him to make you dinner or does he just do it? If he’s up, does he bring you dessert or do you always ask first? If he’s just spontaneously doing these things for you, then that’s probably what he wants from you as well…some spontaneous pampering. Maybe instead of asking if he’ll bring you dessert, you could consider getting it and putting enough for two onto one plate and snuggling up and sharing it. I think he would feel loved…maybe a little romantic…and definitely appreciated. :-)

    Give as you receive… :-)

    Mali: wise-ass isn’t the same as smart-ass is it? LOL (ok…I’m both…)

    Lucy: Stress will be over soon enough. Enjoy the moments! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  470. 470: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: my pleasure :-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:46pm

  471. 471: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Not his blog another eletter and I sent both to you…

    LG I had forgotten about the love languages, thank you…

    sometimes it seems the default one for men is actions/service and then if that’s the default for ALL women, I have trouble knowing what’s special for him about me….

    I need words and visuals. Flowers, perfume, jewelry and car waxing…those work. smile…

    yard mowing – for both of us and neighborly consideration, I have a hard time hearing that as love.

    What do you think?

    xo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:47pm

  472. 472: PatienceNo Gravatar says:

    445–Turquoise3 what’s your secret? do you give free oral sex advice?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:48pm

  473. 473: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline I hear ya about acts of service. I see it as being responsible and doing his chores. But now that I’m not living with my ex things are different and yeah i can see that him doing little chores for me Now is a way of loving.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:54pm

  474. 474: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #458 Turquoise3, Simply ignore me and my silly puns! And tell us more.
    :-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 1:59pm

  475. 475: M.J.No Gravatar says:

    472: Mercedes: that is a really good point! I think next time I will just bring him tea or a beer, etc. Or maybe give him a massage after dinner…

    I sometimes will surprise him with dessert when I come over without him asking and I think he really likes that.

    We have been dating a pretty long time, but I still think we are learning ways to show love to each other so this is a good thing for me ot remember for next time. :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:01pm

  476. 476: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline: Sounds like you receive love most through gifts and words of affirmation? And you do appreciate acts of service when they are meaningful to you, ie car waxing but not necessarily lawn mowing?

    And maybe you want for these expressions of love to really be personalized to your preferences, which indicates that your man is paying attention and really gets who you are, yes?

    Am on the right track?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:01pm

  477. 477: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: Learning about each other is a long process…J and I still do it every day. Be sure not to go overboard though with the doing and giving and making and bringing….I’m only suggesting you return in kind what you are receiving. Just enough to let him know you appreciate and want to take care of him too. Not so much that YOU start feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. My advice has a thin line between that – in a good way – and that – in a miserable way.

    Tread carefully…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:04pm

  478. 478: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been thinking of the wonderful and varied ways men exit our lives , one version here referred to here as “poofing” or “flameout”. Where its a wonderful buildup of light and warmth and you can feel the whole damn bonfire about to ignite , then “Poof!”

    Then there is the Houdini. Here today in a real relationship, gone without trace tomorrow, leaves you undecided whether to call his Mom or call the police ..

    How about this. The Shooting Star. Blazes a trail from horizon to horizon…as in …
    “M shot himself down in a flaming death star from my Universe. My skies are again clear of his familiar orbital pattern.”

    Please feel free to add your faves or invent more..:)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:08pm

  479. 479: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Another thing about love languages is often the way we express love is different than the way we receive (or hear) love.

    and sometimes we try to give people what we want to receive. This can lead to resentment sometimes.

    For example, when we do things for a man when we are really wanting him to do for us.

    The man often doesn’t even interpret these acts as loving, he sees then as smothering.

    I feel uncertain of where I am going with this. Just sorta thinking outloud…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:10pm

  480. 480: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    LG: “and sometimes we try to give people what we want to receive”

    This is what I think he might be wanting. Not for MJ to ask but to just do some little things that make him feel appreciated. I think he’s giving what he wants to receive…some spontaneous thoughtfulness.

    I could be wrong. He could be showing love, not asking to receive it with the things he does. But my initial gut instinct thought he wanted some in return (hence the teasing about not getting things like that in return).

    I don’t know either…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:14pm

  481. 481: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I get the feeling that there is a message for me in this love languages talk…

    But feel unsure of what it is just yet.

    I’m going to relax and trust that I will get it at just the right time. Ahhhh that feels better….

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:14pm

  482. 482: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG so many posts to catch up on!

    First just a quick question…

    When a guy finds you on FB and adds you after meeting a few days ago (despite not knowing your surname! ;-) ) do you ladies say something eg comment on the wall, or do you just quietly accept the request and not say anything?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:14pm

  483. 483: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ella: Quietly accept. Unless he sent a message with the friend request…then respond to that message. For me, man or woman, if they send a friend request without additional words, I accept without additional words.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:16pm

  484. 484: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #461 Jacqueline, I couldn’t care less.
    :P

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:17pm

  485. 485: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    LG – yes and the second part too. I kind of want to speak in MY language, not have to figure out what his is. And for the first – absolutely. Like if someone brought me a water they’d opened the top of – I’d be like WTH? WHO told you I wanted this! Don’t waste the water….but if they asked and I wanted diet rootbeer with a splash of milk (tastes like milkshake) I’d be all loving it.

    Generic lovespeak doesn’t work for me, I can’t hear it. So you performed basic maintenance chores? Ummm…so did I. You want to be congratulated for basic hygiene and self sufficiancy? ….lol….

    something like that. But if it’s for me – like I know you love that bright red sportscar with the outrageously expensive Boyd Cottinghan rims….so I’ll just go make it shiny, even tho other men might really dig you in that shiny car…

    that shouts LOVE to me.

    And I’m glad your arm is better, I hope it is fine, but I’d imagine it’s a byproduct of repeated stress due to the gigs – you do ice it? Ice works miracles!

    xo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:18pm

  486. 486: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes: Ya, I was wondering that too, that he might be hinting that he would like to receive something similar.

    It definitely worth trying. I like your caveat to not try too hard though. Just give back in the waterwheel way.

    I see it as adventure or mystery to be solved, a fun little mission of sorts…to figure out what makes my partner and I feel loved. It’s fun!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:19pm

  487. 487: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – artistic, gentle, sensitive, out of the box thinkers? I read that somewhere….but not having a type is good! I won’t even make that perfect mate list – feels limiting to me.

    I have a few basic don’ts/won’ts and that’s it for listmaking for me.

    And yeah for men and women who listen. If I haven’t promised and they think I have – not my bad!! When I do promise, one could take it to the bank – so yeah, I’m very careful what I promise – like the boyfriend sit. I described “I promise I’ll tell you before I do it if I want to cheat,” he so didn’t get that I meant it.

    Smiles and happy days

    J

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:23pm

  488. 488: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    LG: YES! FUN!! Anytime J or I do something to make each other smile or show the other we love them or express gratitude for the little things…it’s fun. It’s a reason to smile. We can go through life complaining about all the little stuff our partners do or don’t do or…we can feel and show gratitude for them being as they are. The latter makes for a better day if you ask me. :-)

    I have a friend who hears all the time that her relationship with her man isn’t “normal” because they don’t ever argue about anything. One girlfriend used the example of how her husband leave crumbs on the table when he eats pizza and she wipes it off. Her friend said that would irritate her to no end and she would teach her man to clean up after himself if that were her guy. My friend is like “yeah…I could try to train him. or…I could take two seconds and wipe off the table then get to hear a ‘thank you for cleaning up baby’ every single day.”

    Gee….wonder why she chooses to wipe off the table. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:24pm

  489. 489: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa – cool!

    My ex had to be pulled screaming and kicking by the law, grandchildren and family disapproval into the arms of a woman who babysits. He hung on like a barnacle, must have been the hardest thing he ever did, the way he hung on.

    This’ll be fun to experiment with…will practice with the colorful language!

    Thanks everyone…

    later.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:26pm

  490. 490: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline: the soreness hasn’t happened for a while now. It seems that my body has built up the right muscles over time so those other ones aren’t getting stressed so much. Does that seem plausible based on your massage background?

    I feel amazed by how much my whole body has toned up just from playing.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:33pm

  491. 491: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa: How about the “Acid Reflux”…you know…the ones who show up every once in a while for some ‘spicy food’ and then disappear again…

    ;-)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 2:38pm

  492. 492: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #481 Rosa:

    LOVED the way you described how men disappear! I’ll have to rembember those. LOL. :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:20pm

  493. 493: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    Thank you!

    :-)

    xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:29pm

  494. 494: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG

    I am feeling sooooooooo tired.

    From working today.

    Think I am going to grab a cup of herbal tea (maybe) and take myself to bed (definitely) to get lots of lovely, replenishing sleep.

    Night Sirens.

    xoxoxoxox

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:33pm

  495. 495: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: If you should happen to get a response like:

    “WTH? WHO told you I wanted this!”

    You have my heartfelt apology for the bad advice but come back…I’ll help you with how to deal with aggressive personality types. I’m getting kinda good at it. :-)

    Somehow though, based on how you describe your man, I’m guessing your gesture of kindness will be met only with loving words of gratitude.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:36pm

  496. 496: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Goodnight Ella…and you’re very welcome!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:37pm

  497. 497: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    430:

    PG~ I was being quiet for a while or at least trying but this post brought me out. I had to skip right on down here to splatter some love on you.

    “A complete failure”? I think NOT! My heart hurts hearing you say that. You KNOW this is not the truth, even if you feel (or felt) like it when you said this.

    I love this praire girl…the person that you are, the qualities that you bring to the table. If there was one thing I wish you would remember, and you do make reference to it in this post, Miss Pollyana ;-), is what you told me the other day, about us.

    After you said that, my entire being lifted. I believe you are right. The Universe is taking care of things for us right now. I KNOW my hearts desire will be mine and you do too. We are being given things that we have to learn, and “get” and they have to stick…

    If it was me, I would thank the Universe for bringing me RM, wish him lots of love and happiness, send him on his way, energetically and bring my energy level, vibe, etc, back up to where it belongs. You do know the reason why you feel so bad when you are in the dumps, right? I’ll just give you my opinion…It feels so bad, because it goes against the very nature of WHO you are. THAT’S why it hurts, thats why you feel bad.

    Please, love on yourself…and KNOW that you are this much closer to him…the Diamond.

    Hugging you..

    ~Lil

    PS..I know the purpose of this blog, I was just here bleeding all over it the other day…so I get it….completely.. Just wanted you to know the above…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 3:56pm

  498. 498: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mr. Secret just hit my happiness threshold – I can’t stop smiling – I’m feeling a sliver of excitement about him now. :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:01pm

  499. 499: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: I’m smiling for you too! YAY! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:12pm

  500. 500: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    No idea where this came from…

    “There is a terrible fight inside me between two wolves.” Said Grandson. “One is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith – Which wolf will win?”

    The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

    LOVE IT!!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  501. 501: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    SLV~ I really don’t want to bet your rings..I was only kidding..

    Please come back…although I am pretty sure it wasn’t the rings that sent you packing..

    I miss you.

    ~Lilybelle

    Dear Sweetie, will you please ask SLV to join us again..

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:27pm

  502. 502: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    LG – if you are not holding your body to compensate, absolutely the muscles could strengthen. If there is not secondary stuff – like say with the tightening of the band for carpral tunnell, or a twist in your back, etc. it will strengthen and adapt. It’s a great thing to be aware of – body awareness, using both sides, etc. Makes a huge difference.

    Good for you!!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:28pm

  503. 503: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedses – that felt agressive for sure. Why does my advice and take on a situation being different from yours, and I was definitely talking about my self there…trigger you? People with different opinions seem to trigger you….and okay if you wanna be triggered. But, in the opposite of your request, I’ll ask that if you are going to talk about me, talk to me.

    And you will do as you will…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:31pm

  504. 504: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle – I was missing you! That was so beautiful….thank you and PG does indeed deserve all the good in the world!

    Lucy – heehee…exciting. You’re contagious when you’re happy!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:33pm

  505. 505: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle, I loved the advice you gave to Prairie Girl in #500:

    “If it was me, I would thank the Universe for bringing me RM, wish him lots of love and happiness, send him on his way, energetically and bring my energy level, vibe, etc, back up to where it belongs. You do know the reason why you feel so bad when you are in the dumps, right? I’ll just give you my opinion…It feels so bad, because it goes against the very nature of WHO you are. THAT’S why it hurts, thats why you feel bad. ”

    That’s the heart of it. Great writing.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:44pm

  506. 506: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I have had guys seem to “hold back” on serving me too, or make lil bad feeling comments about it…

    i am thinking of one in particular

    i don’t like this, it has escalated over time…

    it feels bad.

    I want to speak up more my feelings about this.

    OH i remember ManCD too and this recent CD getting mad that “i want too much.”

    I intend to speak up more about this. I have experimented just listening, and seeing how i feel.

    Well it DOESN’T feel good and I see it as a Red Flag.

    IT makes me feel bad.

    I DON’T want to guess around all in his business, what he “might” want so he will stop with the bad feeling comments.

    I doubt that would work to stop the comments.

    hmmf

    I’l just be clearer that this feels bad and i feel uncomfortable and angry being treated this way – given something along with a complaint about having to give it to me…

    etc…

    or being told im a “difficult” woman in a complaining way

    that doesn’t feel good to me

    :(

    and theres lots of men who don’t behave this way with me

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:48pm

  507. 507: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you guys so much for your responses… I feel better just getting it out… And SummerBaby called me and talked me down which helped too….She reminded me that the toilet wasn’t all bad… the tidy bowl man was cute as she recalls…

    Turquoise #432 I don’t know what to think… I don’t like the thoughts that a man poofs because he has some innate wisdom that we don’t have that he can’t make us happy… It may very well be true… but I don’t like it… I want to say how the heck can HE be so much smarter/wiser/intune than I am? Thank you for saying it anyway…lol…

    Boomer #433… You are right I have asked God to shield me… but that just pisses me off… He was NOT supposed to let them make it to my HOUSE dang-nab-it!

    I do know that this has got to be a belief somewhere .. and your right it does feel blamey but it has to be at least partly true right? I have to change my belief… cause even though I expected him to stay because of all the things he said without being asked to that said he WOULD stay…

    I think it’s like Lucy says in #434 that a deeper expectation might be at work…

    I just feel tired…I don’t think all men who show up are keepers… ropercowboy wasn’t … knew that right off the bat…slept w/him and didn’t get attached or anything…

    I told SB today that it’s like I went to the car dealership and said I need a truck to pull my trailer.. I got kids that I’ll be hauling around too..

    So they show me a truck and I say okay it’ll do.. then they show me one w/a BACK SEAT… so the kids can bring friends… better yet… I’ll take it… then no wait… automatic windows instead of the roll kind… and so on… until we’re getting to extras that I didn’t even know I could want… you know.. I told you what I wanted and what I was going to do w/it… I don’ t need the build up/hard sell… If you got a truck for me… show me…quit teasing me w/all the steps in between…

    Thank you Tinque #436… I did get out of the toilet before anyone poo’d….lol… You wanna know something funny about what you wrote… A guy on OKcupid started writing me and said he knew he wasn’t a cowboy.. just a country boy (in Kentucky Im in Oklahoma) but that if I’d give him a chance he’d make me wanna throw rocks at cowboys…he used that analogy all the time ..”got your rocks ready?”…

    He wrote then said he was gonna call.. and that he would fly then drive to where ever I was to just take me out to lunch…

    he called once for a long visit.. it was nice, then a short call a couple weeks later.. but that was a few weeks ago… POOF….lol…

    It just stuck me as funny when you said “just throw rocks at them”… I felt dizzy for a min…lol

    LG #438..
    It’s been a week today since he came.. well tonight.. or tomorrow am… I guess.. and not a peep…

    I wouldn’t have expected more if he hadn’t said the things he said AFTER getting laid… geez…shut the freak up you’re getting laid already what more do you want?.. I digress…

    I feel like I could just do okay giving up all together on men dating if they didn’t keep coming around like this.. not the mediocre ones but the ones that look like the whole enchilada.. the Dodge Laramie Longhorn edition truck..everything I want…. but not for me…no I gotta drive a van…

    I went into the soup for sure today.. Jacqueline… but it felt more like the toilet ,… I don’t wanna think what I was bumping up against in there…

    See here’s where The Work fails me… I know I do NOT need in any way shape or form a man in my life…

    I see all the good in my life just as it is… my kids.. my work… all great as is… but still I want… desire… a relationship that is ALL that.. like AH says reflects my Source back to me….

    So with The Work.. I have a lack of peace over not having what I desire… there is NO question that does not have a NO answer.. but still no peace… Ive said for the past few weeks that is’s like lying on a bed of nails…. doesn’t feel good but hurts less if I don’t struggle…

    at the end of my marriage I believed I would NEVER marry again.. didn’t want a man.. didn’t want sex… I’d been used for sex… Then toxic man came and healed me of the damage done by the ex… gave me a taste of GOOD sex.. made me want it… and a man that could “get” me.. adore me… cherish me… all NOT done by the ex… only to hurt and betray me when it wasn’t warranted..he could have just left…

    But the bottom line is when he left I had a taste for something I hadn’t had before… and want… When he proved to be toxic I didn’t think what I wanted was even real.. so now.. I get it.. It’s real… so if I can have it bring it.. if NOT leave me the heck alone…

    Anyway, that’s been my beef w/God today… why give me a taste of something I cannot have? If my beliefs are wrong I can’t have it.. … quit dangling carrots in front of me just to show me what I can’t have cause my beliefs are wrong…

    How’s that for whiney and pouty? I would stomp my foot too if you could hear it…

    I appreciate you all so much…

    I do not want to feel bad.. I want to learn and grow.. I have no others to not just listen but TEACH me another way of being… I do not want someone to just say “there there”…and agree w/me I want to improve..

    Thank you,
    Angels on your bodies..
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:50pm

  508. 508: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    why am i fabulous?

    – martha stewart ain’t got nothing on my gift wrapping skills

    -i can style anyone. any body type. in and out of stores in 2 hours tops and save them half they money they thought they’d spend.

    -i remember the details others often forget

    i feel like sh1t. today, the only person adam and i have in common, met up for coffee. he’s still friends with adam and i talk to him once every blue moon on fb. he knows adam and i dated but has no idea we broke up (i’m guessing) and especially has no idea of the breakup’s sordid details. i made sure not to mention adam at all anyway.

    BUT i waaaaaay overfunctioned on extolling how happy i am these days, how great my career’s going, how much i play guitar (both those guys play guitar), how this, how that. I probably came off as very obvious. i am the biggest idiot ever.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:52pm

  509. 509: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    and prairie girl, re: hanging in the toilet…

    as I recall, the tidy bowl man was a hottie! ;-)

    luv ya

    hugs,

    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:56pm

  510. 510: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    whoops on 512, I posted and THEN saw yours. lol

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:57pm

  511. 511: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Daria…I hope this is your main focus as you process your feelings:

    “and theres lots of men who don’t behave this way with me”

    PG: You are strong…and my heart goes out to you so much!

    Kaitlyn: Take me shopping!!! “and save them half they money they thought they’d spend.” YAY!!! But I won’t let you call yourself an idiot even once during our time together!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 4:58pm

  512. 512: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    511: Kaitlyn,
    Wish you were here. I could use some styling help…on a shoestring. ;-)

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:00pm

  513. 513: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Seriously, if anyone’s in L.A….I want to start being a professional personal stylist.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:02pm

  514. 514: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    508: Lily T.

    That feels good to read..Thank you!

    :-)

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:02pm

  515. 515: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Thanx , Mercedes and Lilybelle.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:03pm

  516. 516: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    507:

    Jacqueline!

    Awww, THANK you! :-)

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:04pm

  517. 517: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And Kaitlyn…please don’t be so hard on yourself. So you didn’t feel authentic…that’s okay…you’ll get there…but only when you truly love yourself exactly the way you are with your past, your present and your future all making up your beauty and your experiences.

    You got this girl! Hang in there and love your moments of learning…because that’s what happened today right? You learned a lesson. Now take your lesson to heart…it was a good one.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:04pm

  518. 518: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I’d be so contacting you if I weren’t on the opposite coast.

    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:06pm

  519. 519: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – thank you!

    hmmm

    that feels good,,, and here I was ready to practice a communication scene…

    i can do both, know that this is NOT the end all, and that I can “skip” this issue, AND communicate clearly about it

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:06pm

  520. 520: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: YES!! You CAN!! And you should!! I’m learning to communicate and process through things and let it go. I’m meditating on it almost daily. It’s been a beautiful experience for me…

    “i can do both, know that this is NOT the end all, and that I can “skip” this issue, AND communicate clearly about it”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:09pm

  521. 521: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I could repeat these words from Eat, Pray & Love almost daily to people I know:

    “So miss me. And when you think about me, send a little light and love my way. And then let it go.”

    Beautiul!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:11pm

  522. 522: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Man: “you are SUCH a princess!!! UGH! go and get what you want from the fridge”

    Me: “hmm… that feels bad… i feel criticized.. and i don’t want to feel that way”

    Man: Criciticized? who’s criticizing you? i’m just saying that you are so Difficult

    Me: “that feels bad being called difficult. I don’t want to feel bad when I’m receiving attention and care from a guy. I don’t want to feel put down. I deserve wonderful treatment and I don’t want a man who doesn’t see me that way or Want to treat me that way”

    Man: “well i don’t know, I think it should be 50 50″

    Me: “hmm… i feel worried. I don’t want to be 50 50, I want romance. I want a man who WANTS to do everything, including little things for me, and who believes i deserve it. I don’t want to be made to feel undeserving because that lowers my self esteem”

    Man: “well you sure know what you want dont you?”

    Me: I feel bad. I feel like im being made fun of or not gotten. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worth being treated super well… what do you think?

    Man: I don’t want you to feel that way either mama.

    Me: :) Thank you, That feels good.

    Man: I’m glad you’re feeling good now.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:12pm

  523. 523: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    “Man: “well you sure know what you want dont you?”

    My answer would be:

    “Yes”

    ;-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:14pm

  524. 524: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling lonely.

    I’m feeling OVERWHELMED by these phone calls to banks I think I have to make.

    I DON’T want to make them.

    I go to sleep at night hoping that the following day will be one of those days where i just wake up WANTING to make the calls…

    and I DON’T

    and yet they are feeling BAD and painful to think about.

    OH OK.

    I am planning to ask my dad for help with this phone call making.

    I feel uncomfortable about that too… but want to experiment with asking for help and since im irresistible with men i don’t see why i can’t be with my dad

    Also, I can use that Alanna Pratt tool of just focusing what I LIKE about my life with blinders on to Anything that doesn’t feel good.

    :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:16pm

  525. 525: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    500: Lilybelle says:

    PG~ I was being quiet for a while or at least trying but this post brought me out. I had to skip right on down here to splatter some love on you.

    “A complete failure”? I think NOT! My heart hurts hearing you say that. You KNOW this is not the truth, even if you feel (or felt) like it when you said this.

    I love this praire girl…the person that you are, the qualities that you bring to the table. If there was one thing I wish you would remember, and you do make reference to it in this post, Miss Pollyana ;-) , is what you told me the other day, about us.

    After you said that, my entire being lifted. I believe you are right. The Universe is taking care of things for us right now. I KNOW my hearts desire will be mine and you do too. We are being given things that we have to learn, and “get” and they have to stick…

    If it was me, I would thank the Universe for bringing me RM, wish him lots of love and happiness, send him on his way, energetically and bring my energy level, vibe, etc, back up to where it belongs. You do know the reason why you feel so bad when you are in the dumps, right? I’ll just give you my opinion…It feels so bad, because it goes against the very nature of WHO you are. THAT’S why it hurts, thats why you feel bad.

    Please, love on yourself…and KNOW that you are this much closer to him…the Diamond.

    Hugging you..

    ~Lil
    ————————————-

    Oh Lil… I’m laughing and crying right now.. You are so beautiful and precious to me… Thank you! I feel your love all over me.. I needed it…

    You are right about what I should do, and very wise…

    I’m not a high enough yet… I can’t wish him on his way.. I really have felt grateful to him the past few days listening to AH…

    Because of RM I have a frame of reference for all the good I want to imagine in a man.. I didn’t have it before him… That was a problem w/doing the ebook stuff.. I couldn’t imagine the stuff…

    But now thinking of him…that swim in the soup brings me right up against why isn’t he still here if he’s good?… ya know? Why show me what I want but can’t have.. sour grape kinda stuff…

    It’s kinda like riding a psychotic horse through a burning building….

    I feel like a giant zit that needed to pop… SB says I’m the healthy skin around it that needed to get the junk out … I feel better getting it out…

    Thank you so much for always being such a sweet spirit encouraging and loving me…

    I love you.
    Angels on your body Lil
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:16pm

  526. 526: LDNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    I think you may have jumped the gun with labeling RM a “poofer” so soon. Isn’t he the one that showed up 4 hours late? You already knew earth time didn’t apply to him, and when you slept with him after he showed up late, he may have taken that as your acceptance of that characteristic of him. If hours don’t mean the same thing to him as they do to “normal” people, maybe days don’t either. I don’t think time in general passes the same for men as it does for women anyway.

    D gives me a hard time because I don’t wear a watch or have a clock anywhere in my house. He thinks it’s cute that I have no regard for time at all, but I’m sure it will cause some annoyance on occasion when I’ve been late to meet him for the 20th time. I also get busy with work or the kids and sometimes don’t answer his texts or calls for hours. He accepts that about me and knows I’m not “poofing” on him, but that I just march to the beat of a different drummer.

    He jokes that I’m only aware of 2 time slots-day and night. And that I know by the position of the sun that it’s time to go to work. I work weekends, so my days off vary during the week. I also work mostly nights. so I don’t even need an alarm to wake up in the mornings. I’ll be honest-there are times when I don’t even know what day it is, much less what time it is.

    You knew this about RM, yet his not contacting you immediately after your date with him triggered something in you. Maybe you equate timeliness with respect? Maybe respect for your time is one of the top things on the list of qualities you want in a man? There might be some feelings to sink into on this one and figure out why it triggered you so much and so quickly…

    Hugs….

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:17pm

  527. 527: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – yes I’ve said that “yes :)” before… it’s a bit tricky because I don’t want to get OFF of my feeling wagon.

    I’ve fell off the feeling wagon in this convo before, and i want to make sure im staying on the wagon, and communicating in a new way

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:17pm

  528. 528: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i said that “yes” to “you’re such a princess!”

    but the truth was it felt bad…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:18pm

  529. 529: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Home from my first day at work! It was SOOOO nice to be out of the house and feeling productive again!

    Thanks summerbaby for the advice! If space is what he wants, space is what he shall get!

    Lurker- I don’t know that it is so much of a control thing… but maybe it is. To me it seems more like he would prefer to bury his head in the sand and pretend it will all just go away if he ignores it. A little while ago when he told me to be more obvious, I suggested I make a code word to indicate my interest. That way it would be clear (since he claims to miss my “signals”). This just made him angry and annoyed with me. I suspect that it’s because if he knew the “code word” he couldn’t pretend not to notice anymore. He could no longer claim that his rejection was a misunderstanding.

    I don’t know why he’s being like this, and he’ll probably never tell me. I’m going to give this a fair chance because I love him and I remember how good it used to be between us (for the first 9 years). I can only do so much though.

    Thinking about the mechanical substitute… not sure though.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:19pm

  530. 530: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    PG – my experience has been EXACTLY that…

    a man shows up, showing me what i want, then he disappears.

    Then another mr. Desire eventually shows up, shows me MORE of what i want, then disappears…

    etc.

    and now i know its SUPPPOSED to happen that way

    each one getting a liiil closer to just what i want…

    till the’lll be all wonderful, because i don’t tolerate less…
    and ONLY ONE actually has to stick!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:20pm

  531. 531: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Awwww…Daria…I understand. I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m asked a direct yes or no question and I’m comfortable with answering yes or no then pausing and waiting for the reaction. You need to process it further….I think, even though that’s not always me (although sometimes it is) that’s very, very cool!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:22pm

  532. 532: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    PG~

    “But now thinking of him…that swim in the soup brings me right up against why isn’t he still here if he’s good?… ya know? Why show me what I want but can’t have.. sour grape kinda stuff…”

    Because, something even BETTER is on the way. DIAMOND, baby, diamond.

    It’s okay, take the time you need, I understand. You’ll be high enough soon. Just know that I am cheering for you, supporting you and loving you from here.

    I know you know..

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:22pm

  533. 533: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #514 Mercedes

    Thank you…hugs…I appreciate you saying that.
    Angels on your body
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:25pm

  534. 534: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s the latest….Steve’s brother, whom he lives with, is dying from congestive heart failure. He is coming home from the hospital tomorrow and my fiance Steve, the one with liver cancer, is going to take care of him as much as he can. The doctor told him today his brother has about 3 more months. I just feel helpless because I KNOW Steve wants to do this for his brother.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:27pm

  535. 535: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – congratulations on getting what you want! with work!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:27pm

  536. 536: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Some guy just tweeted that I live in a fantasy world. My response:

    “Yep. Worked hard to make it that way. Thank you :)”

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:28pm

  537. 537: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn?

    Do you know of any hidden gems for online shopping???

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:29pm

  538. 538: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Wants to go shopping with Kaitlyn too. :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:33pm

  539. 539: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Online shopping? I will have to ask my girl S and report back.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:34pm

  540. 540: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Mel!

    I am glad you had a good day at work, you deserve to feel good about you.

    I feel sorry that he wants to ignore things and hope they’ll go away. That feels bad and frankly sounds a lot like my Ex. However, YOU have the benefit of Rori’s tools, which I did NOT have at the time. So perhaps you’ll have the happy ending.

    Just keep working on you and give yourself as much happiness as you can.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:36pm

  541. 541: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    542:
    Nice! Can’t wait. I hate shopping..I walk in, I walk out.

    Much prefer online…

    Thanks, Kaitlyn.

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:44pm

  542. 542: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    421. Lurker,
    Well, compared to those women your men friends complained about not being appreciated, I am a definitely a gem!

    I have to remind myself sometimes that everything coaches write about, or other people’s situations on the blog, and advices don’t all apply to me. It’s like having relationship hypochondria! ;-)

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:47pm

  543. 543: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks SummerBaby and Daria! I’m very happy I got this job. Everyone is really friendly and I feel mentally stimulated again!

    One thing that I’ve always known about my husband (but it never manifested to this degree before) is that he doesn’t like to be told to do anything. He will be incredibly stubborn and resistant if he thinks someone is trying to make him do anything.

    Right now it feels like that magnified x 10.
    It seems any sort of request from me is denied simply because it was requested at all. This, despite feeling messages and trying not to blame. What’s up with that?

    Do men have any “midlife crisis” type events in their 30’s?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:48pm

  544. 544: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #529 LD
    You’re right about the Earth time… and that thought got me thru the first few days…but the one thing he never did was ignore texts or messages for days…

    Now the message I left today might be the first that lets him KNOW I’m thinking the worst… And you are right I let him get away w/no earth time… I did it because he kept saying he could do earth time though… I thought that he had no motivation to do the frequent contact he said he could because he hadn’t met me yet… I wasn’t real…

    The truth is if I KNEW where I stood w/him… had some sort of confidence in him from knowing him it might not feel so bad to have less contact…if I understood the reason behind it..

    IDK…maybe not…the earth time problem is his only negative.. but I don’t know… I thought after what he said when he was here that he was going to not fall off the earth anymore…

    It may be beyond his control…

    Thank you for posting…I sort of wish you and LG were right and he wasn’t gone… I say that but do I really wish it? I guess not if he cant learn to work his gravity boots..

    Angels on your body.
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:52pm

  545. 545: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    535: Lilybelle says:

    Because, something even BETTER is on the way. DIAMOND, baby, diamond.

    ———————————-
    OMG Lil that made me laugh…
    I feel you.. .thank you so much..
    Love you lots
    PG

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:55pm

  546. 546: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle,

    I walk in, walk out, too. But because I love shopping. My discerning eye makes for what I call ‘whirlwind’ shopping. “Crap. Crap. Crap. Garbage. Played out. Crap. Ok, that’s the one YES.”

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 5:57pm

  547. 547: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Mel,

    I admire your patience. I never have advice for you because I suck at relationships and would’ve told him to f$ck off and die by now. <—–advice not to follow.

    That job you landed and are stoked about will evolve you to new heights. Good to hear you got it.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:00pm

  548. 548: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mmm

    im feeling much better…

    i just did the EFT sessions on youtube for having a really great day 3 times in a row

    and it felt like my options were opening

    im feeling pleasant

    im feeling good about me

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:00pm

  549. 549: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I DO ONLINE SHOPPING:

    gems – Victoria Secret ONline catalog (for dresses and shoes, and work outfits)

    also, the cheap dresses stuff for sexy sexy clothes, like Musotica.com

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:02pm

  550. 550: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth, lol…and forum paranoia?? Omgosh, was that passive aggressive or just aggressive and why are they talking to me anyway…

    I love it when you post.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:04pm

  551. 551: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    Wow…U describe me …:( I also like to shop alone…unless a gf wants my input…

    I tell people I shop like a man…

    As a matter of fact, I shop for men the same way…”crap, crap, played out…ok…that’s the one YES.”

    LOL

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  552. 552: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – how was your first day? Was it more of a meet and greet or did you have to do any actual work? Were you like, noticing group dynamics or anything….you sound great! I hate first days I always feel awkward.

    I’m hesitant to comment on your husband stuff, but yes men have a big mid 30’s crisis from what I’ve read and seen – it’s like the 50’s but sooner…the this is what I’ve got and maybe I can’t go as far as I thought I could and will this be enough or should I run and change …..everything? kind of thing.

    And I’m sad that he wouldn’t go for an agreed upon word, it felt passive aggressive. Bummed. But he did bring you flowers! indicating he’s capable of romance.

    What do you feel would be best? and what would make you feel best?

    xo
    J

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:08pm

  553. 553: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hi PG,
    i feel your pain!

    you said:

    “The truth is if I KNEW where I stood w/him… had some sort of confidence in him from knowing him it might not feel so bad to have less contact…if I understood the reason behind it..”

    Ah, PG, I was always trying to understand the reason behind….trying to figure out where i stood with him….and always ended up like the dog chasing its tail. I have been using the Rosa Stop Sign tool today, when I started spinning yarns in my head about why he acts like he acts. It’s a miracle!!

    you know, i think that, on some level, we women kind of thrive on them keeping us off-balance, maybe because it lets us feel a whole range of emotions. i know i like that, deeply feeling all kinds of emotions, as i have been on stage before and enjoy acting and role playing– you were on stage recently, werent you? and women kind of like the chase, too. it keeps things interesting, even in an established relationship. I also tend to go for guys who don’t fit in molds, so its even harder to figure THEM out. But I like it, it’s like solving a mystery!!

    Alas, I am so ready for one of ‘em to be two sides of the same coin: unpredictable and dependable, at the same time, everything is just so much more fun with two

    enjoy your beautiful sadness while it lasts…

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:13pm

  554. 554: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Psychic alert! 2 days ago I told my bff I dreamed her daughter was pregnant; today the daughter tells her she’s pregnant. 7 years after the first child.

    I don’t want to be psychic. Really. I’d rather hire a psychic than be psychic.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:14pm

  555. 555: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    I go shopping to figure out what I want, see stuff but don’t like most of it. Then I get pissed because what I want doesn’t exist so I go home and make it myself. Then everyone I meet compliments it and asks me where I got it. Guess I need to do the search for ideas more.

    summerbaby

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:14pm

  556. 556: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    PG –

    1. Stop sleeping with the men you meet right away. You are getting attached and it’s holding you back from practicing with them.

    2. Don’t meet them at your home, let them take you out to a DATE

    3. Don’t talk to them on the phone for so long. The online -> phone -> meeting is fast and rather businesslike

    4. Stop looking for them to be the one. Just delight that there is a man to PRACTICE TOOLS with that you are going to meet up.

    The more you Practice Tools, the closer you are to actually having the Relationship You Want.

    Conversely, the more you are attracted to a man you meet, means NOTHING about how close you are to the relationship you want.

    5. Keep working the tools and other helpful stuff – like BK and AH , and maybe EFT, and Inner Bonding and tons of other stuff… to discover what makes you happy and fulfilled on your own. And then take babysteps doing those things – this is what that loneliness is really about for me.

    Orna Walters (a Rori guest poster in the past) has a list of inner child dates. I went on one for myself, and i felt NOT lonely for the first time… maybe Ever since i could remember… for about 3 weeks. So I’m going to do another one soon. I’ve experienced how easy it is to change my schedule and flake on my own inner child. Orna wants her clients to do once a week. I can see how lifechanging it is.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:17pm

  557. 557: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    553 Jacqueline

    LOL!!!

    Two more for the psychological conditions guide, (i forget the formal name for it now

    Relationship hypochondria:
    (reacting to every single post “oh my god! that’s me and my relationship! I’m a complete mess!!”)

    Forum paranoia:
    (you..talkin’ to me? you talkin’ to me? there’s nobody else here….)

    Thanks for the affection, gal pal!

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:21pm

  558. 558: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    About shopping for clothing:

    Color is the 1st thing I feel attracted to…the right color feels like joy and my eyes feel like sparkle

    Texture of the fabric is the 2nd thing I feel attracted to…the right fabric feels smooth to the touch…sensual caresses to my body

    Design is the 3rd criteria – after the first two being met, I decide to try it on if I like the design somehow…and see if the design fits well on my body…

    So…there is the WOW, MEOW, AND SESAME FACTORS…all working together…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:23pm

  559. 559: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    559.

    GREAT advice, Daria!!

    What’s an inner child date?

    is it anything like an artist’s date, like from
    Julia Cameron’s ” The ARtist’s Way ” where you go somewhere or do something you really want to do, like a book store, museum, quilt shop, movie….to stoke your inspirational fires ?

    Kind of like that?

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:27pm

  560. 560: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I really hate it when people from this blog send private hate mail to me like this:

    are you calling my behavior aggressive? You asked me to quit talking to you or about you and I did. I feel like being around you is a grenade that’s gonna….BLOW!
    and I hate it.

    I don’t post to you, for you or for your interpretation and labeling. I don’t want to escalate with you, but I won’t leave the blog to make you the Only Right Advice giver?

    Why do you seem to be soooo bothered by opinions other than yours???? Does it validate you so much to have only agreement in your world, or to be the acknowledged
    queen with the “perfect” man?

    It feels desparate to me, Mercedes. Really really desparate.

    Not much love,
    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:29pm

  561. 561: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    563.

    Mercedes, how many people from this blog are sending you hate mail? I’m thinking you really didnt mean more than one person….

    Jacq, what’s the matter ? Did Mercedes say your advice was wrong somewhere? I didn’t see anything like that, but then, i wasn’t looking for it, either.

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:33pm

  562. 562: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    559:

    Daria says: “Just delight that there is a man to PRACTICE TOOLS with that you are going to meet up.”

    That certainly would be helpful..;-)

    Please send me three great men to practice on.

    ~lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:34pm

  563. 563: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,

    The first day was great. Mostly training and HR stuff, but everyone seems really relaxed and nice.

    I want Rusty and Lurker to weigh-in on the “I’m in my 30’s crisis” thing!

    I know. He brought me flowers! He DOES do very nice things! That’s what makes this so stressful. One minute things feel great and the next, I feel like I don’t know where I stand.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:36pm

  564. 564: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth: Thank you…you are correct…just one person and I should not have indicated otherwise. It was a quick type and I should have been more careful with my words.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:36pm

  565. 565: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    565.
    Hi Lilybelle,

    such a sweet spirit you are, those three guys are not gonna even believe what good fortune just hit ‘em!

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:37pm

  566. 566: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And it continues even after I asked hand post this?? Wow, tasteless. Not gonna go where you are!!

    know it’s hard, but my key is to never give up. I’m successful and happy and strong and in a wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams. And sometimes, things still suck. But most of all, I overcame so much and I am who I am because I was willing to work hard to get through those times. I’m a survivor of:

    Sexual abuse and rape as a child, physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse as a child, relationship with a man who beat me for three days and put me in a hospital, lost my kids, lost my job on more than one occasion, lost my marriage, lost three children to miscarriage, lost the one person who was closest to a real mother for me….

    so many things…but…I survived…I’m learning lessons every single day…I’m grateful for all the wonderful blessings I do have in my life…
    er to remove me from her contact list. Stalking?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:39pm

  567. 567: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I meant “even after I asked her to remove me from her contact list”. Stalking or spam?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:40pm

  568. 568: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Been spending the evening on Musotica…wow!!! Awesome!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:42pm

  569. 569: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth- no she said I was aggressive and wrong – more or less in my opinion and advice and I was trying to clear the air, but it’s all good. Tried to take it off blog and it blew up. And now I’ve responded….so hopefully off blog it will stay.

    I intend to keep it off for my part, and I apologize that private communication was posted here. I won’t do that.

    All is well for me…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:42pm

  570. 570: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    And Mel – I hope you do get the input you need and want. I was inspired when he brought the flowers….and wonder how to re-create it, but that’s probably controlling. I hope it happens again tho, for a day or two he did seem caring and involved. That was good.

    And a first day with HR stuff? Excellent.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:45pm

  571. 571: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    568:

    Elizabeth! That was so sweet!

    Grinning from ear to ear, thinking about those three delicious men.

    Practice makes perfect. lol ;-)

    Naw, I’m human, not looking for perfection..just some more practice time. Like Daria says, you only need ONE to stick. And that, is the ultimate goal for me. Whoo effing HOO!

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:45pm

  572. 572: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve decided it is really too much trouble to get too invested emotionally too soon. Not gonna do it no more. Now I’m gonna work on just having sex for fun with someone hot who I like, out of my general love for humanity, but keep the emotional attachments out of it. hmmm…wonder if i can do that? Wonder if I really even WANT to do that. Meaningless sex. They used to call it “sport fucking” and it didn’t have a good connotation. I’m STILL concerned about catching a STD from some too-promiscuous man though! Doesn’t anyone else think about that? or is wearing a jacket enough? arghhh.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:45pm

  573. 573: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve decided it is really too much trouble to get too invested emotionally too soon. Not gonna do it no more. Now I’m gonna work on just having sex for fun with someone hot who I like, out of my general love for humanity, but keep the emotional attachments out of it. hmmm…wonder if i can do that? Wonder if I really even WANT to do that. Meaningless sex. They used to call it “sport f*cking” and it didn’t have a good connotation. I’m STILL concerned about catching a STD from some too-promiscuous man though! Doesn’t anyone else think about that? or is wearing a jacket enough? arghhh.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:46pm

  574. 574: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    and I claim the correct quote – the wow tasteless was my words. And as I can now see the whole bare my soul and tell you how I want to help women and you; and have the background to do so, it’s my mission …. I’ve gotten from Mercedes by email was either a misdirection or has been rescinded…

    My confusion has evaporated!

    I feel total clarity.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:49pm

  575. 575: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    2 months without dating! I am so proud of myself :)
    I was starting to have feelings of resentment towards some men I have met in the past. I am still feeling anger and I want to let those feelings flow and leave me eventually.

    The more time passes the more I want to be alone and probably don’t date men at all( I could change that but that is how I feel now). Men turn me off, and I am feeling that I deserve better than what any man will be able to give me.

    I know that what I am doing goes agaisnt “the rules” here, but I am starting to feel so peaceful. I want to get a better salary, organize my life and be happy. No men will be able to give me that.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth – yes, an inner child is like that, but it’s something your inner CHILD wants to do. It’s important to be for her.

    So if it’s painting you might wind up fingerpainting.

    It has to be 2 – 3 hours. (not one hour).

    Orna has a list on her site…

    my inner child date was something from the list that appealed to me… (do different stuff each date)… whcih was to take the bus to the end of the line.

    I took the bus by myself (and dressed up cute) to San Francisco and walked around….

    at the time it felt kidna scary and sometimes boring,

    but AFTER that i felt amazing for 3 weeks.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:53pm

  577. 577: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    579
    Thanks, Daria :-)

    The Inner Child Date idea appeals to me.

    will check out Orna’s site…

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:57pm

  578. 578: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    J,

    RE: #557 – Wow! That’s amazing!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:58pm

  579. 579: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Not sure how we get from:

    You’re like a puppy I can’t shake off my leg

    and

    Hey Mercedes, does J hold your purse

    and

    Mercedes I thought you were gone, but wanting to acknowledge you and say part of my post was in response to your thoughts, but I am not wanting to spar or debate with you. Just to allow.

    To:

    ” You asked me to quit talking to you or about you and I did.”

    But whatever.

    Cyber Stalking is what I call it.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 6:59pm

  580. 580: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    578 Luzydel
    “I know that what I am doing goes agaisnt “the rules” here, but I am starting to feel so peaceful. I want to get a better salary, organize my life and be happy. No men will be able to give me that.”

    number one, i don’t think what you are doing goes against the rules here. I think you are very wise to get yourself all straightened out with practical and emotional things, and give to yourself. you are right, no men will be able to give you that, nor should we expect them to. Men are the icing on the cake. When you no longer care if you have a relationship, that is the best position to be in to attract the best one. So, I think you are doing great, luzydel.

    xxxooo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:03pm

  581. 581: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle – Where shall I send them to?

    Follow this recipe and you’ll receive my 3 men. they might not be GREAT. but again, how attracted you are to them doesn’t matter. what matters is practicing the TOOLS. and practicing the TOOLS with not so great men makes HUGE progress towards The Relationship You Want.

    Recipe:

    1. put on bright colored dress with flowers, and sandals. Go to bar, dance club, sports bar, get self a beer or water, and sit at the bar, alone. Face away from the bar, and smile at people. Lean back.

    When man approaches you, if you do not FEAR him, in a, I feel afraid this man will rape me way, talk to him, and give him your phone number. Continue giving your phone number to ANY man who asks and does not outright insult you or frighten you.

    2. put on bright colored dress with flowers, and sandals. Use webcam to take 300 pictures of self in 30 min. Take most AMAZING and sexy pictures and put them up on online dating site. Respond to men who write you, and if they answer, immediately write… I don’t like talking online, it would feel better to talk on the phone. I’m at {your number}.

    3. When men from bar/online call you, talk to them shortly. Let them ask you questions. Do NOT do other stuff while talking to them. after 10 minutes, say, ohhh … thank you for the call, it felt nice to talk to you.

    If they ask you out, accept, and say it would feel great to meet them, somewhere nearby your location would feel great.

    if they don’t ask you out, on the second phonecall say that it felt nice to talk to them, and that you’re looking to meet men in person, and don’t really want to talk on the phone anymore unless there’s a plan to meet up.

    4. Show up dressed cute, or dressed comfortably, depending on your mood/ability. Lean back. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES DEPENDING ON MAN. Treat them all the same. Treat yourself well, as you would want a princess to be treated on a date. Speak up for self when stuff feels bad. Appreciate all good feeling stuff. End first meeting/date in about an hour… do not keep hanging out.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:12pm

  582. 582: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth – STD’s are not a phobia of mine, in the least…

    when I first started “Sexploration” was an aha moment i had on the blog that i do not NEED to create a whole relationship/make myself fall in love, to OK having sex.

    so then i tried it, and found one lover that i felt comfortable with, and another then i got, not an STD, but an UTI.

    This was a big thing for me that scared the ish out of me … and i still have some symptoms from it

    however now i learned that i don’t want to have sex with a man where its all about my pleasure, or where i don’t feel adored

    no friends-with-benefits

    but yes, sex for Daria with a man who treats her well and where her pleasure is the main thing

    but still does NOT mean i have to create a relationship around it, or that that man is “The One”

    just that I will pick men that are “into” me as lovers.

    This is what Rori recommends as lovers too, men that are themselves ‘into” us but that we may not really want as our man for whatever reasons…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:19pm

  583. 583: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel – to me focusing on taking care of me is wonderful and im doing that as well

    but i think i would be uneccessarily torturing myself with thoughts of “no man can give me what i want.” That would feel awful… to me, as a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted to men.

    These thoughts are NOT true and they HURT! so I would use Rosa’s Stop Sign tool.

    I can take care of myself AND practice relating to men in ways that are self-honoring.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:24pm

  584. 584: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    583:

    Daria..

    When I get to work tomorrow, I am going to print this out and get to work on it.

    Note to self…after highlighting appointment Friday, go in search of pretty flowery dress.

    Go home, get gorgeous and take photos!

    Thanks, Daria! I so appreciate!

    ~Lil

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:26pm

  585. 585: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Cool quiz on Oprah about a book called the Shadow Effect. Imagine there’s a part of you that has the power to teach and guide you to strength, creativity and happiness. Imagine this part of you is just waiting to be seen, to be heard and to be embraced. But it’s not all good. This is your shadow—the dark side that you’d rather ignore than face. Answer the following questions to understand what the shadow is and how it shows up in your life.

    http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Quiz-The-Shadow-Effect

    I got a 22 – and this amazingly timely validation; it’s a cool quiz and I’d still like to read the book….

    You are in the neutral zone, which means you are free (for now) from many of the internal beliefs and wounds that give rise to destructive behaviors caused by your shadow. You have high self-esteem, your actions are closely aligned with your values and you are most likely making great forward progress toward your long-term goals. Keep on loving and listening to yourself.

    Yeah…for us all!!

    Luzydel – hug! I was wondering if you were coming back and I’m glad you sound good. The blog is about relationships you want, so whatever you want is good to be here with – and it sounds like you’re having a better and better relationship with your own self!!

    Yeah again!

    Goodnite Sirens and Men…

    Jacqueline

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:27pm

  586. 586: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for doing EFT for me this morning.

    Thank you for putting my clothes in the wash.

    Thank you for vacuuming my floor.

    Thank you for drinking water.

    Thank you for giving me astragalus tincture.

    Thank you for feeding me.

    Thank you for brushing my teeth.

    Thank you for taking me home last night.

    Thank you for getting me chicken wings last night!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:30pm

  587. 587: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow!

    I was doing some exercises to free up my energy from the Charu video Rori had up in an earlier post

    and i felt like crying cuz i feel so overwhelmed about calling banks (i don’t want to do it :( it’s too much for me and i feel awful about it and it pokes me everytime my thoughts go to it which is often, and i feel all tortured by it)

    and then RaincoatMan calls

    he’s been on a business trip for about a month and will return my coat when he’s back this weekend

    and he on his own asked how that bank stuff is going

    and i told him

    and he’s like, don’t worry i’ll help you

    which felt nice, and i feel a bit more empowered

    so that was a wow for me! i’m getting calls and offers of help on my thing i feel afraid of!

    yay manifesting!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:52pm

  588. 588: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel sick to my tummy thinking my chase card might have gone to a collection agency now.

    i feel overwhelmed

    i feel heavy

    i love my sick to my tummy feeling.

    i love my overwhelm.

    i love my heaviness.

    and that feels like

    smiling

    i love my smile

    and that feels like

    hehum and more smile

    i love my hehuma nd more smile

    and that feels like

    mmmm pleasure in breathing and smiling

    and i love my mmm pleasure

    :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:54pm

  589. 589: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    more on the Charu video:

    the 5th exercise is touching your genitals lovingly (but not in order to have an orgasm)

    i feel so glad!! i’ve been doing this, putting my hand on my nani just to rest it, since i was younger, and i felt kinda ashamed about it

    and now the exercise is to do this very thing

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 7:59pm

  590. 590: JimNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies,

    I read the above blog and well… here we go.
    First in-
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmOrWG2FTbg

    Hopefully I pasted the above correctly, otherwise, Leslie Gore, You don’t own me, live, on You Tube.

    Now I’m sue some of you will interpret this video one of many ways, so guess who’s here to help? None other than I, Jim.

    Love is a funny thing, sex is another funny thing. I believe it is always “mutual,” Where ever and however one tends to interpret and from whatever perspective. Mostly what is available- given one’s level of emotional maturity of course.

    Have faith ladies, there are greater things at stake here. When you love a man, it will stand the test of time. Same for him. If you don’t like being in limbo, create ways to show him you love him, rather than pulling up a tool for mechanical sake.

    Us men, we know when we love a woman-THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT, PERIOD. We may act and talk like we want to “do” every woman on the planet. Such is really not the case. We want the same thing you do with you and you with us. Looking at all the other “crap” just keeps you bound by Pandora’s box. Go ahead I say, or you can be “true” to yourself. You choose.

    Why play games with love? Has it ever gotten you anywhere?

    All EMC is saying, “If you believe in love, then your heart will surely tell you. If you listen? You will most certainly see where you are headed. Therefore, if cd’ing is ok with you, don’t cry when you find a man and your not his first choice.

    If your impressed with a title, money, donkey size…? Good luck with that, cause your going to need it. It is said, “Don’t sell yourself short.” I’m “telling” you, don’t put yourself up for sale and don’t shop for love like it’s a coming and going fad. If your one to explore and keep your options open, your an option too. So remember what it’s like to discard and be discarded.

    It’s your life and guess what? YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE IT.

    People talk about dating “rules,” Hmm…? Like elements and compounds have properties… So do personalities at various stages of development.

    Oh well…!! “It’s all good!!” Let that be a lesson ladies.

    Good luck and I would say God Bless but that is already a given.

    Think, grow wise and live!!

    Jim

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:16pm

  591. 591: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    It felt weird to see a vid of A playing his last show. He looks amazing. It felt weird to see him even if it’s just vid. Felt really triggering. I don’t know how I’m feeling. But I do know the thermal longsleeve under the t-shirt thing I taught him, he’s adopted it looks like. Doubt he was wearing that in homage of me. Guys don’t think that way. But, um, your welcome, dude?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:22pm

  592. 592: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn…I loved your list.

    Yay for you!

    Mwah!

    Now keep adding to it…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:29pm

  593. 593: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    grrr

    so my dad finds the wine bottle empty almost

    and he starts attacking my mom about it

    i feel tightened up and bad

    this has been going on for about a year or so… and i’m wondering is he creating this in a LOA way?

    so i ask my mom and she says she’s not drinking a full bottle of wine, about half

    which i still feel scared about

    and my dad’s communication about it was that, “i swear i’m going to stop buying it, that’s the only way that works with you, you really can’t control yourself, can you”

    and that felt bad

    and my mom did not react except to get all tightened up and

    im doing my best to babystep out of that ish

    so i said mom are you feeling bad

    and she’s like no, i feel stupid (saracastically)

    and i try to do SOMETHING different

    so i say “do you want me and you to eat separately?”

    and she’s like no

    and my dad mumbles ‘that would be over the top’

    but i’m feeling really tightned up so i say

    “ok then, i will eat separately”

    and i put my lamb back and came upstairs here

    now

    i feel pretty good about doing something different

    and not tolerating that awful feeling tension

    i feel afraid now too

    i love my feelings i love my fear i love my good feeling

    i intend to heal

    angels please help me do so and heal my whole family

    thank you

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:31pm

  594. 594: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Two first dates/meets this weekend with out-of-towners. Curious how that will play out. Trying to keep contact until then casual, short, cheerful. If I am feeling down or not in the mood, I am not answering calls or replying to texts.

    I think because they are coming from distances, they are planning more elaborate dates, and really, I much prefer the 45-minute lunch or tea date initially. But with the distance they are driving, I can see wanting to make it an event. At the very last, they could both be cool friend guys.

    I have a lunch with a dude for Friday and breakfast with my pal Shaunn Saturday–he wants to be more now though, and I have said, “Yeah….no…not a good plan. I like the friendship.” Hoping he can be cool with that. He knows too much about me now that attempting dating would be weird. And that aside, the truth is, he is awesome–the very type of man I could let love me, as Rori says–but I find him unattractive in the extreme, which makes me feel bad, like I am shallow.

    But a full weekend of dating ahead without it being that overwhelming and nutty seven men thing from a few weeks ago.

    Mani and pedi tomorrow. Going to go with orange and a bright pink rhinestone flower on each big toe!

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:37pm

  595. 595: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Online shopping:

    Check out Just Fabulous shoes.

    http://www.justfab.com

    It’s a shoe “club.” Handbags too. And everything is $39.95. Sometomes less. You fill out a survey about the shoes you like, and they send you suggested shoes each month. You can skip a month and not buy and they will send you more the next month.

    I am a small size — 5.5 –so I cant find shoes anywhere. They have tons in my size.

    The quality is pretty good. I have to send the first pair back because they are a 6-inch heel and are precarious/dangerous. But they are so hot. I had no idea they were that high. My old lady knee can take 4″, but not 6″.

    Oh wow, that sounded dirty.

    Anyhooo….check it out.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:42pm

  596. 596: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    numb, tingly, stone face, scared

    i love my numbness, tingliness, stone facedness, and fear

    and that feels like

    tiny smile

    i love my tiny smile

    and that feels like

    more smile

    i love my more smile

    and that feels like deep breath and out

    i love my deep breath and out

    and that feels like

    hehm

    i love my hehm

    and that feels like

    smiling bigger

    i love my smiling bigger

    and that feels like,

    tingling in thigh,

    i love my tingling in thigh

    and that feels like

    hmmmmm

    an di love my hmmmm

    and that feels like

    pinching on top of thigh

    i love my pinching on top of thigh….

    and taht feels like

    hehehemmm and legs kicking out

    i love my ehhehem and my legs kicking out

    and that feels like

    hmmmmm

    and i love my hmmm

    and taht feels like

    fear in chest and stone heart

    and i love my fear in chest and stone heart

    and that feels like

    inner yawn

    and i love my inner yawn

    and that feels like

    pinching in cheeks and tightness in midback

    and i love the pinching inn cheeks and tightness in midback

    and taht feels like

    mini yawn

    and i love my mini yawn

    andt hatfeels like

    fear and hemf hemf

    and i love my fear and hemf hemf

    and that feels like

    yawn

    and i love my yawn

    and that feels like

    tingling on thigh

    and i love my tingling on thigh

    and that feels like

    giggling

    and i love my giggling

    and that feels like

    more giggling

    and i love my more giggling

    and that feels like

    yawn

    and i love my yawn

    and that feels like

    tummy tilt

    and ilove my tummy tilt

    andt aht feels like

    tingling up from thigh to cheek and pinching

    and i lov emy tingling and pinching

    and that feels like

    giggling

    and i love my giggling

    and that feels like

    yawn

    and i love my yawn

    and taht feels like

    fear in my heart and tummy

    and i love the fear in my heart and tummy

    and that feels like

    giggling

    and i love my giggling

    and that feels like

    tingling in mouth

    and i love my tingling in mouth

    and that feels like

    tingling in face

    and i love my tingling in face

    andt aht feels like

    EXCITEMENT THAT I AM STARTING TO NOTICE AND WALK AWAY FROM VERBAL CRITICISMS, PUT DOWNS, AND COMMUNICATIONS THAT LOWER MY SELF ESTEEM!!!!

    and i lov emy excitement

    and that feels like

    tingling fear

    and i love my tingling fear

    andt hat feels like

    yawn

    and i love my yawn

    and that feels like

    smile

    and i love my smile

    and that feels like

    hunger for that lamb and fear

    and i love my hunger for the lamb and fear

    and that feeel s like giggling

    and i love my giggling

    and taht feels like yawn

    and i love my yawn

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:48pm

  597. 597: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I have been wrestling with something in my mind for the past couple days. No way can I tell any of my friends this…but I feel I can tell the sirens on the blog.

    I really want to raise my level of difficulty and not fall into the sex too soon scenario. I had to tell CuteHarleyDude “no” but in a nice sireny way and he pretty much disappeared. Go figure.

    So I meet a new guy on Saturday and had a great time but not sure if he is for me. He lives kind of far from me – about an hour – and I felt an attraction but didn’t think I would ever see him again. So what did I do? I ended up in bed with him (it has been a couple months for me afterall). And now he has been calling every day and making plans for the weekend and for next weekend.

    Agggghhh….is the universe playing with me? I should have just slept with CuteHarleyDude since he ended up disappearing anyway.

    I just don’t get it. The ones I want to disappear don’t, and the ones that I am REALLY attracted to poof.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:54pm

  598. 598: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl – that’s because you, like me, and others, are actually attracted (subconsciously) to men who will disappear or are toxic

    so the practice is for us to open up to more men, and practice the tools, so that we can Re-wire our attraction to men that are good for us

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 8:59pm

  599. 599: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – yes I think I am beginning to learn that. In fact, a CD that I met last week that is turning out to be a great friend (and wants to fix me up with one of his friends) told me this past weekend that I am looking at everyone I date as “relationship material”. He says to not go in with that frame of mind. I guess I figure what’s the point if he isn’t relationship material? But I am going to give my guy from last weekend a chance. He seems to really like me, even though I did make that HUGE mistake of first date sex. I’m never doing that again…

    But I have concerns about the guy from last weekend. The biggest one being that he doesn’t have a job – he is a day trader and is living off savings. My guy friend told me that shouldn’t even bother me since I’m not supposed to be looking at him as relationship material. I think I am just going to roll with it. See what happens, get in lots of practice and be surprised.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:06pm

  600. 600: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl – your friend is right. Circular Dating is NOT about looking for “relationship material”. It’s about practicing the TOOLS, especially with men who are NOT relationship material. This grows YOU as a partner, and gets you closer to being able to receive The Relationship You Want.

    finding a man who may be relationship material, will NOT bring you closer to the relationship you want.

    Practicing telling the TRUTH and being in your feminine with ALL men will.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:14pm

  601. 601: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Daria, I think I just had an aha moment. So even though CuteHarleyDude disappeared, since I used my tools with the “no sex until I’m in a more committed relationship”, it was still a success to getting the relationship I want! I was looking at it as a disappointment, and I guess I still am in a way, but actually it was a success?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:23pm

  602. 602: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Right now, it feels like whatever good I think/feel about myself, the bad outweighs it.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:32pm

  603. 603: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Girls, I am afraid it’s going to kill Steve to care for his brother, please refer to # 537. What would you say if anything if you were me?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:37pm

  604. 604: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for putting the rest of my laundry in the wash and dryer.

    Thank you for vacuuming my closet and the laundry room.

    Thank you for getting the baseboards too.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:39pm

  605. 605: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl – YES! that’s right you exercised your Boundary!

    Now you will see you will have an easier time exercising this, or even Another boundary next time, with him or with another man, because this babystep will have built your trust in yourself.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:41pm

  606. 606: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Ladies!! :) i miss being here :(

    i wish i had time to go through and really read the posts..i did a skim over but i don’t feel great doing that..i miss out on so much!

    things are going really well with hotpilot still…i started work yesterday and he brought me dinner and flowers just because it was my first day back…i felt happy and melty inside..totally did not expect that at all!! :)

    hope everyone is doing well..i’ll be back tomorrow…
    i need to process…pipeliner keeps showing up and it’s starting to feel confusing :( like is this what it’s supposed to look like??…anywho..like i said i need to process..

    i’m feeling sleepy and exhausted…goodnite..sweetdreams :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:44pm

  607. 607: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette:

    Wow…heartbreaking Jeannette :(

    Well, if I were in your shoes…I would help Steve be with his brother…cook, clean, a shoulder to vent…
    These are not times for complaining, advising, etc……:( not in my book…

    I would use the blog for venting…or some other friend…sure not Steve…

    I would also get anyone that I know that are willing to help with anything for the following few months…food, errands…etc…

    Big warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:46pm

  608. 608: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Jeanette, I agree with Darling Ella. I’m sure this is very important to Steve, especially with him having his own health problems. Sort of gives him a purpose or a diversion from his own problems? My heart goes out to you, Steve and his brother.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:51pm

  609. 609: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    Daria said: “finding a man who may be relationship material, will NOT bring you closer to the relationship you want.

    Practicing telling the TRUTH and being in your feminine with ALL men will.”

    I feel “in love” with your Truthful and beautiful Spirit :)

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 9:57pm

  610. 610: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I believe the Power of Healing is in our touch…Specifically, the touch of those with beautiful spirits…kind, forgiving, caring, hopeful, joyful…

    When my son was recovering from his multiple surgeries…I would touch him constantly…feet, hands…and hold him as much as possible…i would snick in his bed and cuddle him…the nurses and doctors were amazed how soon he would recover…

    Through cancer treatments the same…I would carry him and touch him non stop…there was also the spirit of a fighter in me…i kept telling him…”mommy is here…we will be okay…” and I did not doubt it one minute… I never saw his “sickness” as belonging to him…We were/are one…and we made it…

    My gf could not nurture her son through his cancer…she would cry on the phone …saying she just could not see her son suffering…I kept telling her…don’t separate yourself from him…not in pain…he needs to know u are strong…he sure gave up…his spirit told me he could not see his mom suffer so much …unlike me she had a great support …her husband was great, his sisters, her mom, an entire congregation cooking and doing chores for them…

    I had none of it…but God’s Mercy and Spirit upon us…:( I feel tearful…and sure humble recalling these moments…:(

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:08pm

  611. 611: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for feeding me yummy dinner.

    Thank you for cleaning up most of the dishes and table.

    Thank you for getting me off the phone with MovieMan in 10 min.

    MovieMan is the guy who’s house i went to, who gave me a foot rub and wanted to kiss me and who does “immature” things

    like tonight:

    “would you come here?”

    me: “yes i would love to!”

    him: i should’ve gotten you

    pffft

    so i told him that felt kinda bad and that i want to feel treated well and taht i like a man to come get me from where i’m at

    and that i dont’ want to talk on the phone, because i want to spend time with men in person

    so we got off the phone

    :)

    i feel good about me and this convo

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:31pm

  612. 612: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Darling Ella for your affirmation.

    I feel touched by your story… and also feel a bit afraid reading it, because i want to believe that sharing our feelings will heal too, but i can be strong with this as well
    i love the way you reassured your son

    i’ve taken care of my grandfather when he had a stroke before by myself

    i felt numb and yet i did it and was there for him in the hospital in romania everyday, even spent the night there the first night,

    it reassured me that i am strong

    i lvoe me

    these thoughts feel touching and sad too

    i love my feelings

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:34pm

  613. 613: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I got a note….about staying away from people that feel bad, and another about rancid stew and another….about being uplifted. I’m changing some habits….which will mean missing some stories, but will also bring my focus back to my own life and accomplishments. That’ll be a good thing!! And will feel better for my goals; re-aligning myself with my highest good starts….now!

    xo
    J

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 10:49pm

  614. 614: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella and T-Girl. Thanks so much..You know, I’ll never get anything back from all this. I doubt I’ll ever marry Steve because of his poor health and his poor financial situation. I will continue to wear his engagement ring because it gives him hope at a low time. I will be there for him and help him and his brother Rick in what ever way I can. Sometimes we’re just here to help some one have it a little easier, know what I mean? Thanks for listening….

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:00pm

  615. 615: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    583 Daria, I like your recipe. Sounds fun, I just might try it. Especially the reminder to speak up when something feels bad.

    I practiced this with a man that I was talking to via email that I had met online. He was joking and took it too far, and I told him it feels bad to be called those names…etc..his response was kind and apologetic, but he ended up not being someone I want to continue talking with. But yay me I spoke up! In the past, I would have just ignored it but felt annoyed.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:08pm

  616. 616: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Everyone, where is SLV?

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:08pm

  617. 617: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad about myself becuase of how I behaved tonight. I acted rude toward a stranger, and I really had no reason to.

    I was annoyed for other reasons, and I kinda took it out on her.

    I really try not to be that way, ever. I try to be nice to everyone and courteous. I just felt very annoyed by her, and I snubbed her when she said goodnight.

    I feel bad and mean.
    I don’t want to feel that way.
    Forgive myself and be nicer tomorrow.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:11pm

  618. 618: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    615 Jaqueline
    I need to stay away from those types of people too. I just realized after writing my last post and reading yorus, ,,,I think I was triggered by talking to a very negative friend of mine, immediately before I got annoyed by that girl and snubbed her tonight. It’s like the poison got into me and I passed it on.
    I do not want to be like that!!!!!
    I have a couple of friends that are sooo negative. I think I need to taper back contact. i try to convice them not to be so negative, but it’s draining. I needa break.

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:15pm

  619. 619: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Man, you miss a lot when you go away for a day!

    (Sometimes I need to give myself a break – but I also had a lot to do…still catching up on posts.)

    First, I want to thank you, Lucy, for sharing your story. If nothing else, it makes me feel better that I’m not the only woman who has trouble getting over a broken engagement. It’s just amazing the stories that we make for ourselves in our mind and how hard it is to break out of them.

    I want to chime in on something else, too, which is this idea of “expectation.” I’m not sure which number posts they were or who said it, but I really like what whomever’s FB friend said, about the expectations in our heart vs. our head. I was thinking something very similar. Like, for example, I believe there is a big difference between what I *think* I am expecting – that is, what I am “expecting” with my mind – and what my heart and body are sometimes expecting, without even my knowledge. I don’t know that I have expected it until after it has already happened.

    As a matter of fact, the word “expect” comes from Latin, meaning, “from the chest” (ex+pect – as in “pectoral” muscle). So what you “expect” truly means that it comes from what is in the area where your heart is. That is you REAL expectation. What is in your head or in your mind is not truly your expectation. It may be what seems available or conscious to you at the moment, but it should have a different name, like ex-capitis or something, which would be more accurate.

    A case in point, for me, was the day that I had a big day-trip planned with a guy. He had planned for this day, actually (well, that’s not 100% true. He suggested what we were going to do, and then I tweaked it with all kinds of suggestions – bad me). Anyway, I “expected” – more like ex-capted – that he would show up that day. Only, he didn’t. And not entirely because he didn’t want to. There was something about his car, and I believe it, because he sounded annoyed and frustrated, and like he would much rather have been hanging out with me. but he wasn’t doing anything to get himself to me. Just accepting his situation. And there I was, feeling annoyed and disappointed. But almost like it had been “expected” in the true sense, all along. Like part of me didn’t really believe that he would show up or come back. So I did all that I could to wear him or the relationship down until finally he just didn’t have any energy left. And then it was true.

    I have to sort this out for myself and realize that, yeah, there are things I truly expect that are below my level of awareness. And I only really get disappointed because of what I think in my mind that I am expecting, and it doesn’t match up. I ‘expected’ him to come that day, in that I put on a cute shirt and did my hair just so, and looked cute, and thought about how it would be when he came to the door. I had every reason to “expect” that he would show up. And yet, he didn’t. But maybe that was my real expectation all along, without even realizing it…

    And I never saw him again, either. Which is probably even more what I expected…

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:56pm

  620. 620: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    @PG #430 – “Gravity Boots” : I love it!! :)

    Tuesday, 26 April 2011 @ 11:58pm

  621. 621: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    And I have to say, that I would like to gently and respectfully disagree with those who say that men can’t or don’t talk about their feelings. That is simply not my experience (though it may be true for some men.)

    For one thing, men HAVE feelings. They have a great many feelings. And their feelings affect them A LOT. In fact, I think sometimes men are even more affected by their feelings than we are. I think we don’t always realize it, but as women, we can withstand a LOT – both physical and emotional pain. I’m not sure that men have that capacity. Even really manly men.

    I had one friend, who was about the most masculine guy you can picture. But even though he didn’t really have a “soft” side, he had a feeling side. A VERY emotional side. He could be hurt very easily.

    And not only do men *have* feelings, but they talk about them, at least with me. In fact, I’ve been of the opinion recently that the guys I’ve been going out with have more skill in communicating their feelings than I do. The big difference with the guys is that they don’t have a lot of “layers” on their feelings. They don’t get feelings about their feelings. When they feel something, they just state it, simply, concisely and matter-of-factly. It is not up for discussion. It just is. He was angry? He says, “I’m angry.” If he’s afraid of something? He says, “I’m afraid.” He doesn’t make a big to-do about it. He says it, and then he ACTS on it (or vice versa).

    Either way, it seems to me that, even though we are practicing being “feminine” with our feeling messages, we are also trying to get a little closer to the way guys communicate – which is simply to observe and state what’s there. Because if we can do that, then he will understand us. At least it is helpful for me to think of it in this way.

    Is that helpful to anybody?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:09am

  622. 622: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz I think you’re right on and it seems like something Rori wrote. I know you didn’t copy her but it was very similar.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 1:29am

  623. 623: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for waxing me.

    Thank you Daria for showering me, and shaving me, and plucking me.

    Thank you for massaging my scalp and brushing my hair.

    Thank you for exfoliating my feet and rubbing my legs and feet w oil.

    Thank you for getting me a glass of water and getting me in bed.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 1:31am

  624. 624: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Eventhough I’m not fully waxed, and my toenail polish is smudged… I get the feeling I’m ready to make love now!

    Yay!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 1:33am

  625. 625: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Boomer @441

    Interesting but common story.
    I think the answer is that he wanted to keep you on a reserve list.
    Men like to keep Plan B “live”.

    Plan A may have been a good intellectual match for him or maybe wanted fast casual easy sex too..doesnt matter and not ours to judge or even to surmise..

    Thing is , if you want to be Plan A to a good man , then you dont want to be Plan B to a bad match . That is not CD’ing .

    If you feel icky , try this one ..

    Thanks for your emails but I feel that disconnect too.
    Chemistry feels exciting but i agree its not enough for a good partner fit . And friends doesnt feel right just now either . Dating is what i am feeling good about and we are moving different directions. Good luck!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:03am

  626. 626: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Been focusing on my passion –

    I’m noticing…

    I’m just a “little girl”

    Living passionately from my imagination

    In my imagination

    My creativity is overflowing

    I find peace in my boy energy

    I like me

    People like me

    I get things done

    I feel good

    It is my world and my world is me

    It feels good being in this place of passion and productivity

    Then I’m “asked” to grow up

    And have a REAL relationship

    Leaning back…

    Allowing myself to be loved and receive

    And I’m like WHAT???

    How do I do that?

    My little girl wants to take over

    Being playful, feeling playful, living playfully

    How do I integrate the two

    How do I feel “whole”

    How do I become more myself

    Let my “little girl” fill me up

    And become that woman that deserves love

    Feels loving

    Is ready and wants to receive love

    How do I escape the dichotomy of what I feel?

    Because there is no dichotomy

    Just a feeling

    Drawing me in closer

    I want all those things – love… a man…

    but my “little girl” says NO

    You just want to play

    And I do…

    But how do I reconcile the two?

    I want it ALL

    I want to be loved and feel love

    To be free in what I know as my profession

    How do I allow and experience both?

    Allow myself to become infused with my passion until I feel like a whole woman

    Ready and willing to be loved

    This feels good to me.

    xoxoxoxo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:09am

  627. 627: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette @616

    Wow that feels so good to read . I have read your occasional comments re your situation for months. This public acknowledgment here must be hard for you. Thank you for trusting us to receive your hurt.

    I am sure this attitude is realistic and loving. You have stated a boundary for yourself. You will support and care and wear a ring , not more in these circumstances. If this feels right to you then you are acting in accordance with your feeling -compass.

    For some time I felt frustrated that part of you wanted to set this boundary and part of you was unsure what was “right”.

    I am feeling good about your resolution.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:26am

  628. 628: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #531 #534 I’ve been thinking about that “princess” question, and I’m wondering why there should be a yes or no answer to this. You’re not at court, after all! Wouldn’t an answer with a more positive message be better received? I’m for “I am YOUR princess!”

    What do you think, girls?

    And generally, I think that a masculine guy will be triggered negatively if he’s under the impression that he’s seen as a mere servant by his loved one. We men love to do stuff for our girl, but we like to see this appreciated. If this is simply taken for granted, as the expected behaviour, this may put us off. After all, the role of the prince ain’t to serve wine and stuff, but to do acts of chivalry.

    Daria, with a lot of sympathy, imho you should consider reducing your expectations a bit. You’re an independent person, able to stand on your own feet, right? You don’t really need any servants. How about seeing men more as boy toys, being used by you for entertainment and pleasure? See how much they want to do for you out of their own impulse! Let them grow into the role of being together with a princess. Especially in the fist days of dating, you shouldn’t expect that they’ll be perfect. They have to become addicted to the yummy pie first!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:45am

  629. 629: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #630 Uh, “Especially in the fist days of dating”?

    Oops! In this case, this was really a typo. But I’ll try to remember this for future use…
    :D

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:51am

  630. 630: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    My weekend ahead not so interesting as yours Boom!
    Getting ready for surgery.

    Dinner last night was lovely and same date and I are going to the Opera House tomorrow for some light symphonic offerings. I feel good that he is coming with me, but bad that its my offering and tickets as my 16 year old son canceled on me !!

    I could have asked a GF instead. Maybe I should have to be a “good ” siren , but I felt bad it was last minute and hes a good friend already . Only prob is he hasnt done more than peck my cheek! That sucks.Maybe I am trying to “buy” fireworks with a ticket??

    Then there is the fact I am having surgery in 4 days time. CD from the country (vet man) is in town and wanted to come to hospital to see me on the post op night . I only met him once , so I said no , I wasnt comfortable for him to meet my kids while I throw up in the sick bowl :)

    One CD , Mr Elegant seems to have poofed , but he is the guy who demonstrates his “value” by sending back a glass of wine and asking for a different one because its not to his taste. he is happy to spend up to show off. I dont feel anything about his silence..maybe a little relief?? He was kissing me and I prob would have succumbed to be bedded soon.

    I am secretly feeling sad about G-man . We were there for each others surgeries in the past. He isnt scared of hospitals and he looked after me last Dec. after the first cancer op. The fact he was lying about his relationship status in order to sleep with me , hold me and comfort me then POOFed back to her (and lie to her about it)..well all that is historical fact.
    But part of me cries for him the closer I get to surgery , and I am having so many dreams about past love….uuugh..and no I am NOT contacting him.

    Theres another one wants to meet for a walking date son I prob will agree to that on Sat . Surgery in Monday.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:57am

  631. 631: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

    (from Bob Grants email)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 2:58am

  632. 632: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh , I really just thought that through..

    All my current CD’s are OPTIONS
    In fact a CD is , by definition , an option.
    A fiance is a priority.
    My kids are a priority.
    My health is a priority .

    I , Rosa, am an amazing fabulous exciting PRIORITY…

    Gman was my priority , and I was only his option and that is why I felt so so very very BAD with him in the end.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:02am

  633. 633: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #563 Mercedes, I somewhat saw this coming when I read #506. Well, it’s certainly not helpful to get provoked into useless arguments with people who aparently have some personal problems and show signs of “destructive behaviour”. That would only make matters worse. So, the best way to react is probably to ignore such stuff as much as possible, and to relay it to the blog authorities if boundaries are crossed. Don’t take such attacks personal! I can assure you there’s nothing wrong with you, as far as I can see. You didn’t do anything wrong. So, simply shrug this off and, as the nice person that you are, maybe send a prayer to people who need it. You rock, girl!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:25am

  634. 634: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    497 Mercedes re the Inglorious CD Exits

    Acid Reflux..what a hoot !!! Keeps on repeating and leaves a sour taste..LOVE IT

    And Jacqueline..the “kicking and screaming” enfant?
    Still in diapers? Dragged out of the sand pit?? LOVE THAT TOO..

    Apart from Poofers , Houdini and Death Star Gallactica, and I also had the “No I wont Marry You” sworn in front of a clergyman ..(yes, its a long story..) and LOST…ahem…in Space , and then there was Ex-lastic men (a few of those)

    Love to hear any other Great CD exits !

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:26am

  635. 635: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker – i bet in the scenario you’re thinking of, that would be perfect.

    For me, I’m not going to expect to be treated less than wonderful. That would feel bad and do a disservice to me, the man, and the relationship.

    I don’t think of men as servants. I don’t even think of me Ss a pribcess.

    I Do think of myself as a Goddess and men as my worshippers… And Gods.

    I’m going to practice saying how it feels bad to ne complained to…(not all men are saying this to me… Just a couple)

    And let them figure out whether they want to change that or stop seeing me.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:33am

  636. 636: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #633

    Rosa,
    I’ve heard that phrase many times yet never knew it was a quote from Mark Twain. Thank you for crediting him.

    And also, yes you are right, a CD is by definition an option. Good to have that reminder.

    :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:40am

  637. 637: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #633 #634 Good points, Rosa! Indeed, it can’t be a one way street. If a guy wants to become a priority for you, he has to prove you’re his priority, too. No free lunch! A yummy pie like you doesn’t come for free.
    :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:40am

  638. 638: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa – looking at cd exits feels disturbing And self destructive to me.

    I can make fun of anything, including men treating me poorly… But really I’m hurting myself on some level.

    And besides, I don’t even Notice men ‘dissapearing’. I notice them coming back. Disappearing doesn’t even really compute w me.

    Men are like a river, they flow in and out, so why watch the logs floating awY instead of the ones coming in.., when the ones coming in feels Good to notice.

    I’m having trouble thinking of One mam who dussapeared. I just don’t do disappeared, I always know they’re around, about to come back.

    I feel bad for you girls who are looking at it from the ‘dissapeared’ point of view.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:40am

  639. 639: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Now I’m feeling scared I’m gonna throw Muself in a pot by starting to notice and think ‘dissapeared’ noooooo!!!!
    They are like rivers they are like rivers!!!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:43am

  640. 640: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #635 Lurker to Mercedes: “You rock, girl.”

    I second that You rock, girl. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:44am

  641. 641: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #637 “Lurker – i bet in the scenario you’re thinking of, that would be perfect.”
    That’s a point. The way I see this scenario in my imagination is most probably not how it looked like in reality.

    And of course a goddess deserves her own god. Just keep in mind that in reality men aren’t mindreaders. They need some time to get to know you and learn how to treat you right. Xing fingers for you to find a divine partner soon!
    :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:47am

  642. 642: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am a woman.

    All men want me.

    I am the air they need to breathe.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:48am

  643. 643: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker – lol at zing fingers. I’m not in a hurry. I like being single.

    I feel good reading your post. :)

    Thank you.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:50am

  644. 644: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    And I’m open to relationship, marriage and family. Yay. With a wonderful man. When I’m ready to create a wonderful lifelong marriage and a family.

    I feel a bit scared too!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:52am

  645. 645: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Like Noooo not yet I’m not ready! Lol!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:53am

  646. 646: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Soon.

    :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:53am

  647. 647: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I am not feeling hurt Daria. In fact I feel much better incorporating what happens in my life inTO my life. I do that by observing .

    Looking at these things in humour feels good to me , and it feels lovely to just accept life as it is , roller coaster and all. It hurts me when I hide it or pretend otherwise or BLAME .That makes it about me.

    Actually observing these things , poofs , Houdinis etc is part of me not BEING those things, and knowing they are not actually about me, not a judgment of me or them, just seeing a dynamic happening .

    Its about their choice to disappear . Of course I have chosen to disappear too. ..like magic..wave my wand and evaporate :) That feels GREAT.I am sure I have also done a Goddess Reject With Love a coupla times, and definitely been Old Faithful a few times too many..its all good.

    I love the logs floating in and out , and I love being totally free to observe ALL of them , just watching in peace from the river bank.

    Exit strategies are commonalities we all do and we all observe. They just are. Like tube worms over deep sea vents…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:53am

  648. 648: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #644 “I am the air they need to breathe.”
    And the juice they want to taste, Daria!
    :P

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:53am

  649. 649: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa – I don’t observe them. It feels bad to me.

    And I really think it’s self destructive to use self deprecating or man deprecating humor, and that falls under that category.

    Again, it feels bad.

    I don’t want to perceive men as ‘dussapearing’ and I don’t.

    Exit strategies is an unfamiliar concept to me.

    Just turning my attention to men leaving me feels Bad.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 3:57am

  650. 650: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lurkman ,

    Hows dating going for you?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:00am

  651. 651: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I am sorry that you feel that way Daria!

    i feel GOOD about how I experience those observations myself.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:03am

  652. 652: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered that others are uncomfortable with my way of observing life!

    I feel triggered that my descriptions of my life experiences make someone else feel bad..

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:06am

  653. 653: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ll ne happy to contribute metaphors for men doing stuff that feels good.

    Like, reappearing, incoming, organizing.

    Hmm… The ‘blocked number’ call after I wasn’t picking up his calls.

    The ‘I really do miss you’ return after some rudeness involving another woman.

    The ‘your voice still sounds beautiful’ after we both dated mutual friends.

    The ‘I just got to work and I hope you have a productive day, man’ voicemail after asking for sex that didn’t happen.

    The ‘I wanted to come in person to show u I am into you, and not just after that’ after asking me to do something against my best interests and getting denied.

    The ‘midnite cross-country phonecall and I’ll be there soon’ after relocating cross-country for about a year.

    The ‘I’ll help you when I get back this weekend angel’ after not returning my raincoat.

    The ‘it would be cool if you were my gurl’

    The ‘I just was in jail for 8 months and got out today’ after 8 months of silence.

    The ‘I was caught in a snowstorm, sorry o want to see you’

    And more more more

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:06am

  654. 654: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #636

    How about NTBFOTP (Nowhere to be found on the planet)?

    I experienced that one with a former love who wanted me to try again with him. Three days before I was to leave to move to his state he cancels out with a 2 line email to me. And became inaccessible by phone and AOL- accounts deleted.

    The only reason I know he wasn’t abducted by aliens, or became deceased, is finding him on Facebook last year. Curiously, it seems he married withthin a few months of wanting me with him.

    Now I’m the one NTBFOTP. For him. ;)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:09am

  655. 655: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa – I’m sure I’ve triggered resistance in you,

    And I feel kinda stuck.

    My belief is that focusing on men’s actions in my life which didn’t feel good is counterproductive in that it reinforces beliefs about men and myself that aren’t good for me.

    Such as ‘men disappear’

    I don’t hold this belief and it Diesnt feel good.

    I feel better with the men are like rivers belief that Rori teaches.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:10am

  656. 656: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #652 Hi Rosa! Well, no dates right now. I have rl stuff I have to take care of (actually, I shouldn’t be here so often, but concentrate on this). So, my mind simply isn’t free enough to be relaxed company for a girl. But I’m doing my own CDing program by being more open and fun in public, and by flirting when there’s an opportunity. And positive feedback is boosting my self confidence, so imho I’m on a good path. As soon as I have my rl problems under control, I’ll really walk the walk! And then take care, ladies.
    :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:10am

  657. 657: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    That feels nice to read Daria!

    I also feel so much better thinking of my men exits doing just what they do , just observing a mechanism they employ to move around their lives.

    Its not actually about me.

    I am wondering how you are triggered by descriptors of disappearing men?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:10am

  658. 658: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    See now everyone starts reminiscing on how they got left by men. Not quite a sireny place to be.

    I’m Gona opt out and I feel kinda turned off and sad and a bit mad.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:13am

  659. 659: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Hell Yeah Lurker!!!

    I have CDed from my hospital bed..
    If you read my post above you can see that good men dont actually CARE (and this is disfiguring surgery for breast cancer )

    I am sure there are great CD able women out there!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:13am

  660. 660: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Because I don’t believe in disappearing men and it’s not healthy to believe or focus on that.

    It lowers a woman’s self esteem and makes a barrier between her and men.

    Rori doesn’t teach to focus on men disappearing, but on being a Magnet, being Irresistible, and men like rivers, where they flow in and out our lives Without u’s paying much attention to that.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:16am

  661. 661: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #661″I have CDed from my hospital bed”

    That’s impressive! Yup, I could use some of that positive spirit. Shouldn’t focus as much on the negative sides. And, yes, the ladies are out there! I know, and that motivates me.
    :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:18am

  662. 662: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for your view.

    I believe men disappear. FACT in my life.
    I believe they reappear FACT in my life.
    I believe they get better with time. ..umm probably ..so far FACT in my life!

    I believe one love is possible FACT ..not in my life, maybe in yours?.

    I believe mostly its not one but many loves in a whole life time in the 21st century..this feels good to me, to accept this as true for me..FACT.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:20am

  663. 663: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurks Babe , I believe that Roris vibe teachings are true for men and women.

    Sometimes men exude a tired and world weary vibe..trying to get everything handled and managed.
    This feels challenging to me.

    in the past i tried to
    A. challenge them to notice me
    B. distract them with massage etc..
    C.TALK them into happiness (uuugh)

    Now I just say ..he is an OPTION , I want to be his priority , if not , its NEXT!
    As a result they are queueing outside the nurses station !

    Seriously I had to hold a couple of them back so as not to “interact” with others , or my sons :)

    Is this harsh?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:25am

  664. 664: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #664 “I believe one love is possible FACT”

    Actually not only ONE love, but lots of love! Or else we wouldn’t be able to find her/him in a world of more than 6 billion people. Even if we think we already found and lost our one love, there’s actually a new one waiting for us, maybe just around the corner. We just have to be open and let her/him in!
    :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:27am

  665. 665: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I’ve enjoyed the humor in the “disappearing men” descriptives because I can look back now at those incidences in my own life without feeling the sting of rejection. And realize, wryly, that I have on occasion been the “disappearing woman”.

    Yes it is a fact of life and in most, if not all, cases one can look at it as dodging future bullets.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:31am

  666. 666: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #666 (ooh bad number lol!)

    I wholeheartedly agree with your post Lurker.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:34am

  667. 667: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    like that Lurker.
    I am thinking a whole lotta special love from a few good men over a whole life time is a great aim !

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:34am

  668. 668: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, my, I should have waited with posting another comment. Don’t want to be seen as #666!
    :D

    #665 No, Rosa, this ain’t harsh, this is reality based! You’re playing the game as good as you can, even though life hasn’t dealt you the best cards. And you’re winning. Imho that’s inspiring!

    Just one point:
    “B. distract them with massage etc..”
    Tantra? Imho this is a bit much “leaning forward” as a second step after you just made men notice you!
    :P
    Only kidding! But the idea really turns me on, Rosa.
    :-)
    Have to run now. See you later, Sirens!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:35am

  669. 669: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    LilyT I love that we can see these events as leaves on the river. We watch them go by.

    Similar leaves may come floating by . I dont believe its about dodging bullets, more about choosing a different leaf !

    I love to incorporate my life events so i dont fear them anymore..then they just are. I like to focus on ME , how I experience things , how I get to choose what i want.

    I feel like every elasto-man or Houdini teaches me about ME. I love this .

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:40am

  670. 670: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #662
    Thinking of disappering men doesn’t lower *My* self esteem. And it doesn’t create a barrier between me and other men, especially those I’ve yet to meet.

    I know that ultimately I am the one who chooses my partner and if some guy bails before, or after I’ve chosen him it only means he wasn’t the right guy for me. He weeded himself out, thereby saving me further grief or trouble. And that feels good.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 4:44am

  671. 671: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Just another good day.
    Feeling happy.

    X was supposed to give me the money today. he didnt call or text or mail or let me know that he cant give me the money today.
    I feel angry when I think about that.
    I need that money. I spent the money I saved for my education. I want him to pay me the money. I am sure he will blissfully forget it if i dont ask him.
    Confused as to what is the best step here.
    Any suggestion?
    meemee

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:16am

  672. 672: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Meemee,

    I’d be angry too, and if it were me I’d simply say “When can I expect you with the medical funds today?” Too easy to not answer the email or text, probably better to get him on the phone so he has to “face you”. KWIM?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:24am

  673. 673: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Jim,

    Re#592

    “Us men, we know when we love a woman-THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT, PERIOD”

    Yep, it’s that simple. I can’t believe how much time and energy I’ve spent in the past analyzing and agonizing over the what ifs and the whys. I could’ve accomplished so many other things in life with that time and energy.

    Like I wrote before, I spent most of my life forcing square pegs into round holes and then wondering why the edges weren’t smooth.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:45am

  674. 674: M.J.No Gravatar says:

    @498: Good Morning Mercedes, I tried what you said last night and most of the night I felt like it was working. He responded positively and warm, but then right before bed he went up to get dessert. I asked what he was getting just being curious and he said some dessert. He asked if I was going to get some too and I said no. He then said that he got me a special dessert last night and he was suprised I didn’t offer to get him some tonight. (I had surprised him with dinner and got him a drink when I got one, etc). I was upset by his comment because 1. it was preying on my insecurity about the issue 2. it was the second night in a row he said something like that. and 3. I felt like I could do everything, but he still thought it wasn’t good enough. I told him that I felt sad hearing that and he said he was only kidding, but I said that he said the same thing last night. He said he was kidding then too, but I don’t think it is funny. Anyways, what should I do with this? I am finding the balance of good for him/good for me, but it isn’t seeming like its enough. Any advice?

    P.S. I would never blame you for bad advice and besides I think you give pretty good advice xoxo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:49am

  675. 675: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    MJ: This is where it gets very risky for you to go into overfunctioning mode. Give only when it feels good to give. If you are giving to get back, then it is overfunctioning. Tell him you don’t like jokes that make you feel like you’re not good enough. If he hears that’s how you feel when he jokes like that then he’ll either stop or you’ll know he’s deliberately hurting you.

    When we give only from our hearts, we give with love. When we give to get back or to get appreciation or to be “good enough” for someone, we feel taken for granted.

    Just lean back and tell him how you feel. It’ll be fine. :-)

    And thank you for the very nice compliment!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:56am

  676. 676: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    676 LD, Jim

    Re#592

    Jim: “Us men, we know when we love a woman-THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT, PERIOD”

    LD:Yep, it’s that simple. I can’t believe how much time and energy I’ve spent in the past analyzing and agonizing over the what ifs and the whys. I could’ve accomplished so many other things in life with that time and energy.

    :-)

    It’s that simple….but more in theory.

    For starters, you have the “Love in the time of Cholera” type of situations,

    So, there are cases
    where the man and the woman know they are the loves of each other’s lives, but other “factors”, agendas, put veils between them, and, either the man or the woman might go for the more utilitarian partner, people that value security over a deeper kind of love

    As Jim says, it may always be the case that a man knows when they love a woman, but other agendas may get in the way….and when a woman knows that, it’s not always that easy to disengage…

    but, in the final analysis,
    “ya gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away…..”

    just some thoughts to add to the discussion on this bright and cheerful spring morning :-)

    xxxooo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:57am

  677. 677: LDNo Gravatar says:

    D: “I didn’t believe in you, so I was fighting it kicking and screaming. I was prepared to be alone for the rest of my life.”

    ME: “I feel confused. I don’t understand what that means.”

    D: “Not YOU as a person, but the concept of a you. That being with someone could just feel easy and natural and not feel like work or obligation or added stress in my life. Even doing something FOR you feels good instead of draining. Just seeing the happiness and appreciation in your eyes makes me feel renewed.”

    ME: “That feels good to hear. I feel happy. It doesn’t feel like you’re fighting it much though.” (playful smile)

    D: “Why would I fight something that gives me such a wonderful feeling of peace?”

    ***SIGH*** : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 5:57am

  678. 678: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker and Lily T: Thank you so much! I think you guys rock too!

    Lurker: I tried and tried to ignore but I think that was driving her crazy because she kept at it and at it and at it. I pretty much knew as soon I as addressed her again it was going to go bad so I didn’t. Then when I used a line of hers that was directly related to something J does, she went into attack mode on my personal email account. Not cool. The way I see it, if you know someone is a grenade about to blow you shouldn’t probably pull the pin out and hold on for dear life. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:03am

  679. 679: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    680.

    LD, you and D have got it going on!!

    You’re in a groove, a sweet spot!

    How exciting, in a still kind of way!

    Thanks for sharing!

    Creates hope that it DOES exist!

    xxxooo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:05am

  680. 680: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    I agree with your “Love in the time of cholera” view, but I also feel that we (or at least I do, living in this country. I do understand that people in other countries may have a different life experience that I do) don’t have as many of the obstacles as our ancestors did.

    I also feel we can somewhat choose who we love and have both romance and a secure “utilitarian” partner. 2 years ago, I wouldn’t have been that interested in D. I was more attracted to toxic men and bad boys. D is a good, simple, reliable guy who probably would’ve either bored me or scared me off with the way he talks to me. I’ve spent 2 years rewiring my brain and now honestly feel attracted to good men. It doesn’t hurt that D is also physically attractive of course, but that’s just the icing on the cake. Now I have a good, “utilitarian” partner who is also romantic and sends chills down my spine when he touches me… : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:08am

  681. 681: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    Funny how you said “Exciting in a still kind of way.”

    That’s exactly how it feels. Like the excitement of riding a rollercoaster yet feeling calm enough to take a nap on it. Hard to explain and like nothing I’ve experienced before…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:16am

  682. 682: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I feel good that people in positive relationships stick around here to share their stories, experiences, and advice. It’s encouraging, inspiring, and creates a tasty soup interspersed with the stories of those who are currently struggling.

    Thank you. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:23am

  683. 683: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    LD
    I love reading about D
    I smile when I read your posts
    My heart melts :D

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:25am

  684. 684: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria! I am shifting my thinking about men disappearing to men flowing in and out like a river. After I thought about that I realized just how true it was.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:30am

  685. 685: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T,

    You should have seen me 2 1/2 years ago. I struggled and beat myself up more than anyone on here. I bought “Reconnect your Relationship” AFTER my ex broke up with me thinking I could get him back. I held the gold medal in the over functioning and self sabotaging olympics. At one point after 6 months of me whining, Rori posted some “tough love” to me and basically told me to stop living in an imaginary relationship with my ex, who had moved on to another woman already, and use the tools to get a REAL relationship.

    Best advice I ever took… : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:30am

  686. 686: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lily T: That feels very, very good to read. It can get uncomfortable to be in a solid relationship and on a relationship blog at the same time. People can either get jealous or they can have a limiting belief that causes them to put down or disbelieve what you have. I too think it’s good to have inspiration and positive examples though.

    For me, I mostly stick around because I’ve made mistakes in the past (HUGE ones) and I like the reminders from Rori about what to do and what not to do. I don’t think a relationship has to get to a bad place before we seek help…instead, if we stay in a place where the reinforcement is constant, we can keep from making mistakes that take us to a bad place to begin with.

    That’s also why I follow Tinque…she’s a constant reminder of how to be a full, sexual, sexy, secure woman and how to get back to that when it has slipped…long before things get bad.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:31am

  687. 687: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LD – Wow! D is amazing! Good for you! You deserve it!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:31am

  688. 688: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla,

    Thanks. He is amazing. I’m still pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming…

    But the key is, I had to do the work first to be ready for someone like him. I remember a few months ago I posted that I was ready and I could feel something great coming just around the corner and he showed up soon after that!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:33am

  689. 689: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    673- Ask his family Meemee ,

    show them the receipt s and explain how much he paid you to be quiet and have a terrmination.
    than ask for the rest.

    Nothing to lose.
    Hes still screwing you, but thisn time with money not his d……

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:36am

  690. 690: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    LD,

    I’ve been content (truly-lol) being single for the last few years. But reading your and Mercedes’ posts has made consider that I could be equally (if not more so?) content with a future partner.

    My past partnerships were characterized with so much tumult? turbulence? that what I hope to gain from reading Rori and this blog is a better way of dealing with conflict as it comes up. So keep writing Chickita’s !! :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:38am

  691. 691: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    683.

    That’s way good to hear, LD and I do agree with your view. I’ve been re-wiring my brain for quite some time, but now that I am applying it “out there” so to speak, I’m being gentle and patient with myself and noticing that I am becoming much more open to men that are better for me. I’m trusting my feelings more and more and taking care of me more.

    I feel really liberated and happy and surprised today because, from all indications I am free and clear of all withdrawal symptoms from the last toxic man, because it just all became perfectly clear. I don’t expect everyone to understand, but it is utterly amazing. It was not a long de-tox at all. This is a good sign!!
    Yes, we can have it all!

    Please keep sharing :-)

    xxxooo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:42am

  692. 692: LDNo Gravatar says:

    LilyT,

    That’s exactly the point I had to get to in order to be happy in a relationship-I had to be able to be happy and content being single. I think that’s key-to live in the present and find something to be joyous about every day and not attach your happiness to either being single or in a relationship.

    I say stay single, CD like crazy and keep practicing the tools until you meet the peg that fits so smoothly you can’t even tell where the edges are… : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:45am

  693. 693: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Personally, when I start thinking about the past, ie lovers leaving, I use tools like the Stop Sign.

    For me, labelling, categorizing, and telling stories about all the different ways men have left me feels bad. It feels like mental looping.

    From a LOA perspective this would be called what-is-itis, meaning putting way too much emphasis on “facts”.

    Things can change on a dime and any of these men could come back at any moment.

    Anyway, I feel bad focusing on things like this which let’s me know that it’s not really in alignment with what my inner authority (my emotions) knows is best for me.

    This is my own personal take on it. As SLV says, your mileage may very. :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:48am

  694. 694: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    I feel excited for you! And that’s the way it will happen. You will become less and less attracted and addicted to toxic men and the detoxes will pass faster and faster. Then you will start noticing that toxic men give you a kind of “icky” feeling in your stomach instead of feeling attracted to them. Then you may just take a few breaks from dating and decide you don’t really want the bad boys but the nice guys aren’t really doing it for you. You will probably decide you can just be happy single and then you will start finding yourself unexpectedly attracted to “nice” guys!!!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:48am

  695. 695: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    679:

    LD, I love D for you!

    And, you for him.

    ~Lil

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:49am

  696. 696: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    “I say stay single, CD like crazy and keep practicing the tools until you meet the peg that fits so smoothly you can’t even tell where the edges are… : )”

    OH YES!! gets right down to it on many levels…and very visceral

    xxxooo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:50am

  697. 697: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #694

    Love that LD. Thank you. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  698. 698: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    I love that your are trusting your feelings more! Someone asked me awhile back how I knew I could trust D and some of my other CDs. I realized I didn’t need to keep men at arms length until they proved they could be trusted because I trusted myself and that’s all that matters.

    Love and trust yourself first. The loving, trustworthy men will show up after…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  699. 699: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    696:

    OMG, LD! That is where I am right now. And, why the dating/CDing has come to a screeching halt.

    I feel it in my bones…something big is going to happen and I have no men to CD with. I am not paying attention to the online dating gig either. Just haven’t hid the profile. And, I feel happy.

    ~Lil

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:53am

  700. 700: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lil,

    I feel lucky. : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:54am

  701. 701: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle,

    Yep, you just know when you’re ready and when something big is around the corner. It’s such a relief and sense of peace. I wouldn’t be surprised if you go through a really emotional period of crying about everything and nothing like I did. And not just sad crying, but happy crying too. Just a torrent of releasing emotions that you’ve had the death grip on for so long that they gush out when you finally relax and let go…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:57am

  702. 702: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LD:

    “That’s exactly the point I had to get to in order to be happy in a relationship-I had to be able to be happy and content being single. I think that’s key-to live in the present and find something to be joyous about every day and not attach your happiness to either being single or in a relationship.”

    This is how it works for me too. And even though I am in a happy relationship now, I still deal with frustration and unhappiness and …well… Myself.

    Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically make everything okay in my life.

    It’s definitely nice, but I still have to be okay with myself.

    Not sure if I am making any sense here…just woke up, feeling a little inarticulate.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 6:58am

  703. 703: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    701

    “I realized I didn’t need to keep men at arms length until they proved they could be trusted because I trusted myself and that’s all that matters.”

    Funny you say this, LD, because I had seen this on the blog in the recent past, it made quite an impression, and it stuck with me, because I was a little too concerned about keeping things in holding patterns until I was sure I could trust them. It made perfect sense that would be a non-issue when I could have complete trust in myself.

    xxxooo

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:01am

  704. 704: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #688 Mercedes:

    Yeah, I’ve made the HUGE mistakes myself too girlfriend. ;) Part of why the comradarie here is such a draw. :) Love the sense of, “But you will do better next time!” vibe I find on this blog. :) :) :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:03am

  705. 705: LDNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    exactly. It’s not a cure for everything and it won’t take away the bad days or bad moods. I still have the days I feel like a rockstar and the days the NVs scream at me. It’s when you let go of the expectation that being with a great guy will fix your problems and make your life perfect that you can truly enjoy and appreciate a great guy!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:04am

  706. 706: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    LG: You’re making sense. It’s the same for me. My relationship is fantastic but I am always workng on ME. I still have my stuff and I still have things I need to get through…but now, I do it without upsetting the relationship. I no longer destroy the things that are good in my life to balance the things that are not so good. Instead, I take the time I need, internally (usually with meditation and yoga) to work on myself. J isn’t affected except in the sense that he gets the benefit of a woman who is becoming more and more balanced every day.

    I sincerely hope I never stop working on me. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:05am

  707. 707: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    That’s what I used to do too. I practiced the tools, but I couldn’t be truly open to men because I didn’t trust them. Once I realized I didn’t need to be able to trust them before I could be open to them because I trusted myself, I relaxed and became more open and consequently attracted more trustworthy men.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:07am

  708. 708: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LD and Mercedes:

    Yes!

    Love ya both :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:09am

  709. 709: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #695 Laughing Goddess

    I’ve found-for myself- that true “closure” comes with time and a feeling of indifference toward previous lovers and prior hurts over them. Being able to joke about “disappearing men” is proof to me that the closure is indeed genuine.

    “Things can change on a dime and any of these men could come back at any moment.”

    Yes. That has been true of all my serious partners. (Those I lived and shared a life with). And in the main it wasn’t positive experiences.

    Personally? I now understand the phrase, “Ex’s are ex’s for a reason.” Deeply.

    It took me decades- literally- to accept that.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:10am

  710. 710: LDNo Gravatar says:

    I remember my sister used to joke that I was going to end up being a “crazy cat lady” because I refused to settle for a bad relationship just to avoid ending up alone.

    One day I looked at her and said: “maybe, or maybe not. I don’t know. But if I do end up being a crazy cat lady, I’m gonna be the happiest, craziest crazy cat lady in the world.”

    That’s when I knew I was gonna be OK.

    <3

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:15am

  711. 711: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #712
    “maybe, or maybe not. I don’t know. But if I do end up being a crazy cat lady, I’m gonna be the happiest, craziest crazy cat lady in the world.”

    Yes! You just described me perfectly.

    Thank you so much for writing that. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:25am

  712. 712: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lily: I see your points, especially about humor and ex’es being ex’es for a reason.

    Ultimately though, I’m choosing not to focus on things like that but I can totally respect that it works for others.

    Thanks for sharing your perspective. :-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:31am

  713. 713: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LD – I don’t remember. Did you meet D online?

    I am going through the phase where I am getting discouraged about the online thing again and hid my profiles on OKCupid and POF. I still have Match though. I have a love-hate relationship with online. On one hand, I have met some great people who are turning out to be great friends, and on the other hand it is becoming a source of disappointment.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:32am

  714. 714: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I also find that when my happiness doesn’t depend on if I am in a relationship or single, men seem to be more attracted to me. I think it is because they get the sense that I am not going to blame them or make them responsible for my happiness.

    They can contribute to my happiness but ultimately it’s up to me and how I choose to interpret the events in my life.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:37am

  715. 715: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes:

    ” I no longer destroy the things that are good in my life to balance the things that are not so good.”

    I agree with your whole post yet this sentence really jumps out at me as something I could meditate on for a while. Thank you!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:42am

  716. 716: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #559 Daria..
    I thank you for responding.. that is a really good reminder of RR rules.. but… I am feeling VERY VERY triggered by the dating “rules”….

    I haven’t discussed them personally w/RR in light of my location, and would be very interested in hearing what she thought…But until then I have to use the good sense I was born with to do what works where I AM…

    And to make sure no one mistakes what I’m about to say as possible “whining” I will preface my “but” w/this….

    I believe that when we argue for our limitations we get to keep them (Richard Bach) and I am not arguing for mine… as a matter of fact I do NOT see my situation as a limitation…

    I live in the middle of NO WHERE!!! The rules, while great, will not work AS IS for me…I’ll go into why in a minute… but first know that I live here because I CHOOSE to live here… on purpose… in my mind.. a perfect day with my perfect man happens only in a place like this…

    When I’m not doing my own thing (working from home like I do) I ride in the truck with him to the next town to look at hay…

    I ride on the 4wheeler w/him to check cattle…and crawl around front and have sex on his lap in the wide open if I want…

    I ride on the tractor w/him and maybe fool around on the tractor seat..

    I will drive a tractor myself as long as it’s appreciated and not “expected” of me..

    Some days Ill just drive by the field and flash my breasts at him and make him smile…

    I get to sunbathe naked..

    I get to make love to him in the middle of the UN-FENCED front yard in the middle of the day or by moonlight…

    BUT… the price I pay for living where I can do these things is this…

    No real good man will drive 2-5 hrs to meet a woman who only talks to him for 10 min at at time on the phone…

    These are grown up men with businesses and jobs they are not driving all that way for a woman they have not talked to more than that..

    I have told a couple of men I didn’t WANT to meet them.. one I didn’t want to speak to again… and it took MORE than 10,15, even 20 min for his real personality to come out…

    I have taken to heart what you said about them only having 3 calls before they better start talking about coming to see me.. and that has worked well.. but I do not limit the calls to 10 min…

    The nearest town w/a mall and real sit down restaurants is 45 min away… The town near me has a few restaurants but they are not conducive to visiting… there is no real place to go sit and visit..There is no real place to DATE the way you gals in the city know it….we have to do it differently here… and I do NOT want to move.. I’ve lived in the city!!! I lived in LA for 5 yrs! This is where I WANT to be..even if I have to be here alone cause I won’t do the rules right!

    If I am interested enough in a man to have him come meet me I want him to come to my house and see my work…

    I am NOT getting hooked on every man I sleep with… happily I might add… I knew ropercowboy wasn’t a keeper when I met him and chose to sleep with him anyway… am completely NOT hooked…

    But here’s my beef… I feel done with “tools”.. I have learned a LOT and find it SO useful… but I have spent the last 6 months with dating as my “job”…..It’s insane!!!!!

    If I were childless I could see making dating as my “hobby”… but I’m not..

    So basically the time I’ve spent on dating… the online profile games (clicking on his so he can see and waiting to see if he makes contact) then doing the email, getting him to phone, getting to know whether I want him to meet me or if he’s willing to make the drive..( Oh and on the cowboy site everyone there knows that everyone they meet is most likely going to be far away… we get it.. we live remotely.. we already know everyone around us that’s why we’re online…) then the meeting blah blah blah…

    I spend way too much time here, I know, It takes hours some days just to read and keep up with this.. and I just haven’t been able to let go.. I love it so much and have learned so much and made so many great friends…. but ….

    It’s like I’m a woman who decided she needed a new vehicle and then spent all her free, and sometimes NOT free time for the next 6 months either at the car dealership, or on the phone with the dealer, or on the computer looking at the dealers website.. made car shopping her full time job, which has to have an effect on her real job and children, for the past 6 months and STILL doesn’t have a new car!!!!!!!!!

    WTF? Something is wrong with this picture….

    I’m going to change my focus.. I’ve learned a lot.. I’ve had fun… I’m not going to the dating sites unless someone sends me something I need to respond to… I’m going to fill my life w/work and kids and anything else under the sun besides dating and men…

    Now… this may change tomorrow, but that is the only thing that brings me peace today…

    I will not look at men I may meet as “practice” anymore.. unless they are just in passing at the grocery store…

    I will not date as practice…The one man I met for a lunch date that made me have my first “temper tantrum” was one I didn’t talk to much on the phone, just went and met him for lunch as practice.. just like the rules said… And I was PISSED off!!!!!! What a COLOSSAL waste of my time.. my LIFE!

    I do not need to waste my time like that.. I am not a dumb a$$ I can tell if I have anything to talk about with a guy on the phone (if I give it enough time on the phone) and save us BOTH the time and trouble!

    I will only date men who have a possibility of being keepers…I value my life and my time with my kids more than to waste it on men I know I do not want to spend time with!

    I am NOT in my 20s and just getting to know myself.. or even my 30s! I am 46.. been married twice.. lived all over this country from the deep south, to Alaska, to LA and now here rural rural America….

    I have had many lovers.. I know what I want.. and if I can only have it if I stand on one foot and hold my head just right I’m gonna have to live w/out it… I’ve been doing that and haven’t found him.. So now it’s my bad belief system to blame.. okay.. I’m gonna work on it.. I want to have that right.. I want to learn to be a better person…

    I love the rules for expressing myself and the tools other than the dating ones.. I love the concept of CDing… but I’m gonna apply it to dating myself at this point…

    I’m going to keep doing the other tools BK & AH…and SB just turned me on to some Robert Anthony stuff so gonna start listening to that too..

    But my life is really full right now w/work and some financial stuff I need to spend time on…

    I guess I just needed to announce to the Universe that I’m on hiatus… do not bring me any man that looks like what I want but is only for “practice” cause I will have a screaming fit and be the poster child for “running w/scissors”….

    If I’m supposed to practice give me obvious practice dummies …that bear no resemblance to keepers..and do not take valuable time away from my life and kids..

    My real man will be an asset to my life and my kids not a detractor.. finding him should not be one either… JMO

    Thank you..Amen…

    Sorry Daria… I have never been triggered by anyone’s post before I hope you (I want to believe you do) know that this wasn’t directed at you personally…I appreciate your input here…

    Thank you all for letting me have this place to vent..
    PG

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:42am

  717. 717: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    693: Elizabeth says:

    I feel really liberated and happy and surprised today because, from all indications I am free and clear of all withdrawal symptoms from the last toxic man, because it just all became perfectly clear. I don’t expect everyone to understand, but it is utterly amazing. It was not a long de-tox at all. This is a good sign!!
    Yes, we can have it all!
    ———————————-
    I understand and it feels great to realize that they no longer have any hold! And not a long detox is fantastic!
    Angels on your body
    PG

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:49am

  718. 718: LDNo Gravatar says:

    TGirl,

    yep, I met him on Match and we exchanged a few emails, but he lived a little farther away than we felt comfortable with. I had 3 other pretty solid CDs, so I didn’t really think about him much. Then his job transferred him close to where I live and I still only agreed to meet him as an afterthought. I was getting pretty tight with ministerCD and even thinking about having sex with him. D drove down to meet me his very first night in the area despite having spent the day moving and driving 400 miles. He told me later that while he was glad he lived closer now, if he’d met me in person when he still lived farther away, that the distance wouldn’t have stopped him from dating me. : )

    I continued to CD after we met, but all of my other CDs except ministerCD soon “poofed”. D knew I was dating and never said anything about it, just asked me more and more in advance for dates on my free nights. His solution for me CDing was to be the first one to ask me for my free nights so I just didn’t have any time to date anyone else.

    One weekend he had to go out of town, and I had a date with ministerCD that weekend. D tried to call a couple of times while I was on that date but I didn’t answer my phone. He told me later he was with his daughter at the time and she told him I was probably on a date and that if he wanted a woman like me, he’d better take me off the market before someone else did. He made a date for me the Monday night he got back and that’s when he gave me the famous speech I posted before about offering me whatever I wanted on my terms-commitment level, timeline etc as long as I’d be his and not anyone elses. : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 7:58am

  719. 719: LDNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    Sounds to me like you just stated your intention and placed your order. : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:02am

  720. 720: LDNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    When you describe your life, I get this vision of the end of the movie “Castaway” where Tom Hanks sets out on a trip to the middle of nowhere to deliver the package he held onto the entire time he was stranded on the island. As he hands the package to the woman, their eyes lock and you just know it was fate that they met even though he had to go through hell to get to her.

    Oh jeeezzzz I’m crying again!!!!!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:10am

  721. 721: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #720 LD

    In a “wishful” world…these men that find the Cd’ing idea “bad for women” would read that post and ‘get’ it. LOL.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:15am

  722. 722: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,

    I took my girls out to dinner and then got caught up in a book last night, so I didn’t make it back on. I’ll try to catch up on the posts :) Hope everyone is having a great day.

    Just heard from a plastic surgeon on OK Cupid, …. hmm… :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:18am

  723. 723: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    PG: I get where you are coming from, especially about being older and knowing what you want.

    I didn’t really cd in the “proper” sense. I have a lot of male friends and I practiced a lot with them. I also cd-ed myself A LOT. I started my own business (with help from male friends) and joined the band.

    I met LI when I was least expecting it. I met him doing something that is really fun for me…hot springs.

    We had a wonderful few days together and then he sort of poofed for a bit. I did let it get me down for a bit but mostly I felt pissed. I moved on pretty quickly because I was tired of letting men get me down.

    In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, he was missing me terribly and coming to terms with himself and if he was ready to be in a relationship.

    When he finally showed back up, I was over it. I thought he was just coming back to get a few things of his I had.

    Well surprise surprise, he showed up wanting a relationship with me. He stepped up and has continued to ever since.

    So, that’s why I’m saying maybe he hasn’t poofed yet.

    Also, I hope I didn’t come across as rude yesterday. I feel worried that I may have because I said I was amused by you.
    It’s just that you are so cute…even when you are upset. Hope you understand where I was coming from…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:20am

  724. 724: LDNo Gravatar says:

    LilyT,

    Yep I know what you mean. Instead of throwing temper tantrums about their women CDing, all the men have to do is take her off the market and make her not want to CD anymore. Simple really. : )

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:25am

  725. 725: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LD, Lily:

    I told LI I was ready for a committed relationship that was moving towards marriage and I was only interested in dating a man who was ready for that as well and that I would be dating around until that man showed up.

    He didn’t have a problem with it. He just stepped up and claimed me by asking for lots of my time and treating me really well.

    He seemed to totally understand where I was coming from and respected it. He seemed to enjoy the idea of competition even though honestly, there wasn’t that much real competition around, but he knew I wouldn’t settle for anything less than what I wanted.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:33am

  726. 726: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #726

    Uh huh. Wonder if the other dating coach is reading. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:33am

  727. 727: LDNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    That’s what D did. I was upfront with him about not wanting something casual. He never questioned it or tried to get me to accept less and always showed respect for what I wanted. But he asked for more and more of my time and treated me so well I wanted to give him more and more of that time.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:39am

  728. 728: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been really really really applying my tools from different teachers, Rori, AH, and BK, and I have to say, it’s working.

    I feel a deep sense of contentment. I feel connected to my inner wisdom.

    Sometimes I feel scared that I will forget everything that I learned and go back to my old ways and feel bad again.

    But mostly I feel trusting that I will keep moving forward and that feel good.

    Like LD said, I’m starting to trust myself. I trust myself to create my own happiness. I trust myself to focus on what feels good to me. I am seeing improvement and that feels really good.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:40am

  729. 729: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #721/722 LD
    Sounds to me like you just stated your intention and placed your order. : )
    _____________________________________
    I got goosebumps and now I’m crying too….
    That was the only scene in that movie I really liked…Thank you for reminding me of it….
    Angels on your body
    PG

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:42am

  730. 730: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Its kind of like the difference between a guy who gives you a tiny morsel of something really good when you’re starving and then throwing a fit cuz you’re not full from it and a guy who puts a 6 course meal in front of you and says relax and enjoy.

    A no brainer really…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:45am

  731. 731: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa: 627:

    “Thanks for your emails but I feel that disconnect too.
    Chemistry feels exciting but i agree its not enough for a good partner fit . And friends doesnt feel right just now either . Dating is what i am feeling good about and we are moving different directions. Good luck!”

    Perfect!!!!

    You are awesome. I will send it today. I have ignored the message for about 5 days now. This feels REALLY good to send. Thank you.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:46am

  732. 732: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LD: 732

    yes! Yummy!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:56am

  733. 733: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #725 LG
    Also, I hope I didn’t come across as rude yesterday. I feel worried that I may have because I said I was amused by you.
    It’s just that you are so cute…even when you are upset. Hope you understand where I was coming from…
    ————————————–
    OH NOT IN THE LEAST!!!!!!!!!!
    I totally love it when I can make someone laugh when I’m mad or in the dumps.. it allows me to find a way out of the bad feelings… If I can laugh or make someone else laugh it totally gets me to another perspective… I’m pretty sure I was being silly/smart a$$ during my rant so you were reading me “right on”….

    I would love the thought that he’s just working thru stuff and making a place in his life for a relationship… I sincerely felt good and liked him and liked the way he liked me…he also knew that I had other guys in the lineup I was making decisions about…

    But that being said, I am totally not holding my breath or worrying about it…as AH said in one of those recordings “good now, doesn’t matter…good now, doesn’t matter”.. meaning not worrying about how long relationships last…It was good then…now I need a nap… so to speak…lol

    As LD said.. “I’ve placed my order”….the Universe knows where I am and what I desire….

    Sometimes I don’t know what I believe/think until I hear myself type it…
    “My real man will be an asset to my life and my kids not a detractor.. finding him should not be one either”..
    I gave myself chills reading that after I wrote it…

    I’ve done a lot of very intensive “work” on myself the past 9 months… the last 6 mos was RR work and the online stuff as well as spiritual…

    I’m ready to sit down for a bit…take a breather…think about other things and let the lessons I’ve learned about staying w/MY feelings (great lessons BTW) percolate a bit…

    When you train puppies you know they “got” the lesson when they pass out afterward… I feel a nap coming on….lol

    I appreciate you so much LG for sharing BK & AH with me… big hugs to you!

    And of course, angels on your body…
    PG

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 8:56am

  734. 734: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And for me, because I was “older” and already had lots of dating and relationship experience, I knew exactly what kind of man I wanted to be with. When LI stepped up, it didn’t take me very long to decide because I knew he was that kind of man.

    Really though, he has turned out to be even better than I expected. He surprises me every day with his wisdom and how deep he really is. I fall more and more in love with him as time passes.

    IMHO, when we are a little older, things can move very quickly simply because we are so experienced.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:01am

  735. 735: LDNo Gravatar says:

    PG,

    sometimes your heart doesn’t speak until it knows you’re sitting still enough to listen…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:03am

  736. 736: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    PG: I feel so glad you are feeling better.

    I feel absolute certainty that we will be reading posts here about how you met “the one” in the very near future.

    And we will be laughing, and celebrating, teasing you a little bit (in a loving way, of course). I’m smiling right now just thinking about it.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:12am

  737. 737: JimNo Gravatar says:

    678 Elizabeth,

    Yes, a man does know when he loves a woman, it is that simple.

    You make very reasonable good points. I could throw all kinds of mitigating and intrusive thinking into the “mix.” So to speak.

    Where by, appearing to agree with you, that we are in a diseased time, so to speak. It can be a very rough and tumble world, life…

    Like Maya Angelo’s mother said, “Where the heart is everything else will follow.”

    I look around and see so many excuses, so called reasons why there is “failure.” I’ve seen game after game, drama upon drama. I see people willing to die, worse, willing to kill for this or that which they believe in. Willing to fight for their “cause.” Willing to fight for their disease.

    Look around, now do you see people willing to “live” for what they believe in? Willing to come to a place where they know everyone counts? Where they are willing to love and be loved?

    I see people who love their pets more than their lover, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, what have you… I see scared people who want love but are unwilling to express it because it depends on the other person.

    I see big fish appearing to feed on everything and everyone they can.

    Ok, then we get what we get and thats the way it is.

    There is lots of vanity in life, especially these days and so it would appear.

    It’s easy to get “caught up,” in the “mix” if one isn’t careful.

    Let my put it as simply as I can. Say you really like your car? You will take care of it, that’s all there is to it. Or you won’t, or somewhere in between.

    Lets complicate the matter by loving a person, now complicated by loving one that also has their own ability to think for themselves, their own ability to “create.”

    This is life, we are “all” in the mix. We can run. We can hide. Where does the bs stop? I’ll tell you. With each of us, individually at our own pace, our own time. We grow, mature, get wiser.

    That’s my story.

    When was the last time you seen a healthy woman or man love a “toxic” lover and stay. That is still blaming, not loving.

    Wether we like it or not, accept it or not. We all have the key hand in determining our success and failures in life.

    The saying, “If you love it set it free…” could mean, if you love it, let it be free, you really don’t have to own it.

    Remember what grandma said, “Just because everyone else is jumping off the cliff, doesn’t mean you have to follow.”

    Then again, it could be a hot summer day and a nice pool of water below or it could be into rocks. Best thing to do is look first, look ahead. As Daria once told me about this blog… “The waters fine.” I think it was Daria…?

    A man knows when he loves a woman.

    and

    A woman does knows when she loves a man.

    Speaking to all men and women here…

    You still want to play? Go ahead… play.
    Win some, loose some. Right?

    Wrong.

    A man knows when he loves a woman.

    Jim

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:18am

  738. 738: SloaneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi-
    Still not sure how these blogs work.. I posted on another one and I think it is closed.. so sorry to repost the same question..
    this goes out to anyone who would like to chime in..
    How do you speak in feeling messages when time after time you hear the man say “I don’t want the responsibility of other people’s feelings”.. even after you have said these are my feelings and I am responsibile. He is a sensitive man and feels guilt quite a bit.. so I feel weird saying my feelings when I know in the background he is afraid of having to be responsible for someone’s feelings.. Clearly, a perception of his. any input would be great.. thank you!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:23am

  739. 739: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Jim,

    I agree. I told D I felt like there had to be compatibility, chemistry and timing to make a relationship work. He said “give me compatibility, chemistry and communication and I’ll figure out how to make the timing thing work. If you have those three, how could you let ANYTHING come between or stand in the way of it?”

    I used to avoid intimacy because I thought it was complicated. But it’s really not. It’s the most basic, simple thing there is. But we can’t accept that so we stir up drama and create problems to make it more complicated because we are afraid of something so simple having so much power over us.

    D told me when we first met. “Chivalry isn’t dead, but there are women everywhere trying to choke the life out of it with all of their might. And those same women are the ones saying it’s dead.”

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:28am

  740. 740: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Sloane,

    He is being honest with you. He can’t DO intimacy. He doesn’t “want the responsibility.” He sees initmacy as a burden or obligation and not a free flowing dance between 2 partners.

    Go out and CD and find someone who can dance with you…

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:30am

  741. 741: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Sloane,

    The feeling messages and tools only work on the emotionally healthy men. They’re just practice when you use them on the ones who can’t give you a real relationship. They won’t get you any results when used on toxic or unavailable men. Ptactive them on everyone, but let go of theoutcome and expectations of any results with any men. The healthy ones will step up in reponse to them and the unhealthy ones will go away over time.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:33am

  742. 742: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    LD, D is Hotarmy guy right?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 9:44am

  743. 743: LDNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise,

    yep!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 10:16am

  744. 744: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#250: Mel

    Mel, at least now you have someplace to start. To get rid of the stress, work out. It will do wonders for relieving the stress, you will also look and feel better.

    Find a hobby, but make it something you think he might eventually want to do also. Like Mountain Biking or Hiking.

    Maybe take up photography and take some classes on it.

    Maybe get scuba certified.

    What I am getting at here is make you “better” and not for him, but for you. Pick a relaxing hobby and one that you feel will challenge you. It will make you feel more confident about yourself and like yourself more. And it fills your extra time in a way that is fun and exciting. It’s not just killing time.

    And yes, totally turn your back on him. If he is giving you NOTHING at all in the way of affection, kindness, etc… then don’t offer him anything.

    If you get up and make his breakfast and a lunch, stop doing it. Instead, be out running or biking at this time so that he has to do it for himself. leave a note for him to grab something at McD’s on the way to work, for breakfast, etc… Don’t act snide or cocky, and if he asks what is going on, just say that you are working on you. If he says something about you not doing anything for him…say “Ditto.”

    Hopefully this will start a new conversation. If he brings up the pressure he is under, let him know that you understand, but that it isn’t an excuse for him to pull back completely and act as if you are an inconvenience in his life. Let him know that this is how he has made you feel. let him know that this is the new way that it is. You will not pressure him for anything at all. but you also aren’t going to be a doormat and accept crumbs.

    Also, if you don’t mind my asking, can you give me more details. Like:

    1. What does he do for a living now?
    2. How long ago did he start there?
    3. How long after he started did this “new him” come out?
    4. Does he do ANYTHING at all to show that he loves you?
    5. Does he have his computer locked so that you can’t see what he is up to on the computer?
    6. Have you changed in any way, recently? Such as a fair amount of weight gain?
    7. Has he talked to you about anything regarding the future, like any plans for a house, kids, etc? Do you have kids, or have one recently?

    OH, and once you do start working on the “new you” and you make friends as a result, invite them over for anything fun. Let them know to just drop by but give you a heads up of course. But also plan some BBQ’s and movie nights. Plan nights out with friends.

    Maybe he will want to join the party. If he protests too much about the people coming over and wants a quiet house, let him know that this is fine and you will work with him on that but it means you will be spending a lot more time out of the house so that you can still spend more time with them.

    At some point, if even giving him the time to himself and no pressure doesn’t turn things around, it will be time to think about ending it. I don’t think you are to that point yet, but while I advocate you allowing him space, I don’t expect you to neglect your wants and needs forever either. If he is simply married to his job and that becomes all that he is worried about, you have the right to find somebody who does care about you.

    This will be much easier for you if you have been working on YOU from this point on. You will feel more confident about yourself, and other men will be more attracted to a woman who has good things going on in her life.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 10:41am

  745. 745: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#151: Tmizz says:
    Ok, here’s a question. (Maybe you guys can help me out with this)…
    How do I respond when my date asks me about past relationships?

    Tmizz, I would not get into specifics and I would not talk numbers. What is the point? I can also tell you that men often have an unhealthy interest in your past sex life. I would not even go there. They don’t need to know that you have had any sexual experience that you aren’t comfortable repeating, such as a threesome. If you open that Pandora’s box, you can’t close it. Best not to even go there.

    So just keep it general and don’t talk numbers. I would ask what it is they are looking for. If they try to be general, press them. Ask them what specifically they were looking for. More than likely they will drop the conversation. But if they do offer specifics as to what they are looking for, it gives you a better idea of what they are looking for.

    If they are pressing for too much past sexual information, I would say this. “My past sexual history is not open for public consumption. What I can tell you is that I am not a virgin, but do not sleep with every man I meet. I have no diseases, (or, I have X disease.) and I have never had any complaints. I do like sex but only in a committed relationship.” Or whatever your boundaries are that you are willing to share.

    And seriously, if you are the type of woman who only wants sex in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid of letting this info be known. And don’t be afraid to be honest if he starts fishing for a time line. Don’t be afraid to let him know that it isn’t going to be any time soon. This is THEE best way to weed out the players who are not going to be there for you in the end. If this info scares him away, he wasn’t that into you, regardless of the idiotic advice some may give to the contrary.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 10:42am

  746. 746: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    153: Scarlet says:
    But I just have to keep reminding myself that if he scares so easily it just means that he’s not strong enough to handle someone like me and I will not go chasing after him trying to convince him to be with me.

    I wonder, is it ok to ask a guy what he’s looking for, or should I wait until he brings it up? Is that too leaning forward and putting pressure? Because I would want to know right away instead of wasting my time on a guy who’s only looking for a fling.

    OK, two things. #1, if a man knows you are dating other guys, how he reacts really has nothing to do with whether he is the right guy for you. I am very much an Alpha and yet I am not going to chase you hard if you tell me that you are seeing other guys. I may still date you but I am going to be very reserved in this. I am not going to put myself out there very much until I see that you show a lot of interest. I am not going to spend a lot of money on you until I know that we are very close, or in a LTR.

    Most of us have been in situations where we went all out and then felt like a fool when she chose somebody else. We feel used in much the same way a woman might feel used if she had sex with the man thinking it was going somewhere but didn’t. Like it or not, there are a lot of women out there that will use a man, just as there are men that will use a woman. I would not invest much in a woman if I know she is seeing other men for this reason.

    Second, I would definitely ask the guy what he is looking for. If he is very non-committal then that is a clue. Same if he says he is looking for a LTR. But, keep in mind that a player may say what you want to hear, and a good guy may try to act non-committal if he is not sure you want a LTR. So you have to be aware of this, and KNOW that it is how a man acts over the long term that will tell you what he is looking for.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  747. 747: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    252: Boomer says:

    238. Kaitlyn, who here hasn’t cheated???

    My goodness…raise your hands Sirens and the Beastie Boyz (my name for Lurkie and Rusty–hee)….if you have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend or husband or partner??? NEVER? If you have not…well, then that’s great. But most people have I bet. Or were tempted to.

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Tempted but never cheated. Not once.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 10:47am

  748. 748: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Not really reading everything but one quick thing.

    ‘no good man will drive 2 – 5 hours to meet a woman after 10. Min conversation.”

    This is totally not true. Ive had guys drive to me this long to meet after a short phonecall.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  749. 749: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    253: Turquoise3

    What do you sirens and men think? Mistake or learning experience???

    ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    I wouldn’t call it a mistake at all. Be yourself and work on making yourself happy and the right guy will WANT to be there and will not “poof.”

    If at some point you do think you want to go forward with this man, I do think it is wise to talk about why he poofed, but be ready to hear that something about you had him sp00ked. But if he wants to move forward anyway, it would appear that he in some way made peace with whatever gave him some concern.

    For instance, you have children. How many know that many men are concerned that they are going to be #2 to the kids. Heck, I would say that is the #1 reason men cheat. Their wife no longer sees the sun rising and setting in his eyes. her kids are #1 in her life and he is now just there to give her money so that she can give her kids everything she wants to. SO he finds somebody else who gives him those sizzling stares and appears to hang on his every word when they are talking.

    Somebody who doesn’t rip his head off for the smallest of offenses like forgetting to take the trash out, while being sugary sweet to a friend that has stood her up for a lunch date.

    So don’t be surprised if there was something that gave him concern, even if he is very into you.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:05am

  750. 750: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling hot in my foot.

    Angry.

    I love my anger.

    I love my heat in my foot.

    That feels like, smile.

    I love my smile.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:06am

  751. 751: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    255: LD says:

    Does change cause more change? Because ever since I met D and decided to be exclusive, my life as I knew it has been turning upside down. I am facing major changes and decisions in every other area of my life right now-3 other major ones in 3 weeks. Some positive, some the jury is still out on.

    I feel scared and overwhelmed…

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I used to see that on a wall in one of my mom’s friend’s home so i will never forget it. But it is sooooooooooo true. If you can’t change things, why worry about it. I mean we all do, but why do we?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:11am

  752. 752: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette I don’t know what I would do if I was in your position but I imagine that Steve wants to be loyal to his brother and support him until the end. When faced with such circumstances people’s priorities change. Maybe the best you could do for him is to be with him when you can and want. Not out of any sense of obligation, just merely when you want to. Unfortunately life is not black and white and this is just one of those situations. Some marriage vows include the words “in sickness and in health” but I think we really don’t grasp the magnitude of those words until faced with situations that we can’t handle. Many times also when we marry, we marry a whole family and the vows include a tactic agreement related to family. I am sure Steve wants to be a man for both of you but as they say blood is thicker than water. So I imagine that in light of losing his brother in the short term he would want to stick by him taking into consideration that he himself might have some more years ahead. Warm hugs.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:11am

  753. 753: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love that damnyouaitocorrect site. It makes me laugh soo much everytime, outloud.

    I can use it for my laughter and vibe shifting.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:19am

  754. 754: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Femininepower, thanks so very much for your words. I am concerned that Steve is going to want to marry me or move in with me because he is living at his dying bro.’s house and will be looking for what to do. I know this is VERY old fashioned but I am trying to set an example before my 5 grown children, although a couple of them are just living with a significant other. My only daughter is a christian and would probably be upset with me just living with a guy….especially if she thinks I’m just taking care of him. I DO love Steve, but it’s a powerfully big move to make, to live with him until he dies perhaps. He may have a few years yet. He is on medicaid and that is how he pays for his prescriptions. But he is getting a settlement soon from a drug company in May, and maybe we can figure out what he can do. Boy, what a situation here!!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:26am

  755. 755: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    287: Jacqueline says:

    Rusty – I’d originally asked if you were a coach cuz Rori said some on here were coaches….but I think you are so level headed and consistent. I don’t agree with a lot of what you say – sounds old school to me, but also wise. And I love how good you are at “doing” disagreement. I hope you do pursue helping people in some way, I think you might have a calling to it. What do you think?

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    To tell you the truth, I think I would enjoy it. I think that’s why I keep coming back here. I don’t agree with everyone but I think you are all good people, even if I don’t agree with you. I have always enjoyed helping people. It can get to weigh on you though.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:29am

  756. 756: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty, man I hear you. Some years ago the organization I am working with went through some major restructuring. Many people lost their jobs and I was one who was supposed also. In any event things turned around for me. During the period I was so stressed out words cannot begin to experss how I felt. In any event looking back now the experience was so bad that I have decided I am not going back there again. I stressed myself out despite the fact that there was nothing I could to change what was going on. God forbid that it should happen again, but should it I am determined never to go down that stress road again. It was too much and was not worth it. This might seem blase but I have never changed anything by worrying and I want to hold on to that awareness.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:29am

  757. 757: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    302: Brenda says:

    I like men on here, cuz then I can flirt. :lol:

    ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Flirting is always highly encouraged. ;-)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:33am

  758. 758: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#758: Femininepower

    That feels good to hear. Less worry and more filling time with things that are constructive and fun. :-D

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:35am

  759. 759: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 756 Jeannnette what you wrote comes across as if you are more concerned with the impression and what other people will say. I understand your need to be an example to your children and I honor you for that. If you really love and want to marry him is what I would focus on if I were you. Him looking to make a move as you have written above suggests he is doing it only out of convenience. Is that how you truly feel or do you feel that he might be feeling more able to make the decision because he can now focus on the relationship rather than on taking care of his brother?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:35am

  760. 760: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @turquoise3

    Your Ex sounds like a great guy. In fact, I get the feeling that a reconciliation is not totally out of the question and I don’t see it as a betrayal of your Sirenyness if you ever do.

    In fact, use the tools you learn here to explore a new relationship with him. Any man that can still be that close to you, even though you have divorced, has to have some great qualities. Maybe he can cultivate some more.

    Do you remember that thing I have advocated where you use an object to talk and only the person who holds the object gets to talk? I would try that with him some time. Set a date for you to just have a quiet night with him. Send the daughter to Mom’s for the night, or a sleep over with a friend.

    Yeah he may think the talking object is weird at first, but he WILL see it working and will come on board with it.

    If he asks why you want to do this, just say that you two still have a great connection and that this will only make whatever connection you two have even stronger, and that is good for all of you, including the children.

    Let him go first. Let him bring up how he felt about something that didn’t go well in your relationship, like maybe he felt you were too controlling or needy or something. Then you get to bring up something. Like his anger and how he lashed out and how that made you feel. Only in I messages though.

    Maybe in time, he can work on that and be the man you needed him to be.

    I wouldn’t wait for that to happen, but he sounds like a great guy even with his flaws. If he can fix the ones that you CAN’T live with, and you can accept the ones that are only irritating, but livable, then who knows. You might find yourself in a NEW relationship that is better than anything you have hoped for.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:45am

  761. 761: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Femininepower, I think he will be worried about what’s next, however, I think he will have more time to think about us too. I guess in the event of his brothers house, his brother’s house will be turned back over to the state. Steve can’t afford it because too much is owed on it. Another one of those up side down mortgages. I know I come across sounding like I worry about what others are thinking…..but I also worry about what I AM thinking! I mean the guy has little money and can’t lose his medicaid to cover expensive meds. So, I can’t marry him at the moment and would rather live apart until we could be married. But, he is very sick…..would it be a Godly thing to take him in and be there for him? I just want to do the right thing…..what would Rori have to say……Rori, where are you?

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  762. 762: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    What would God say??!!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:47am

  763. 763: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    By the way Jeannette I have seen where another coach suggested that some men need a crisis to really bond. I would not recommend judging Steve for what he is doing. I would check myself to see how I feel when I am around him to get a sense of how I am comfortable proceeding.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:50am

  764. 764: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    333: LD says:

    janjune,

    I agree with you completely. I had a no sex boundary when I was CDing for my own sanity, but I don’t feel it’s fair that a sexually promiscuous man is applauded as a “stud”, while an equally promiscuous woman is demeaned as a “slut”. It shouldn’t be a double standard IMO.

    _________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    There is no double standard. That is a myth. Many women will turn away from a man that is too free with sex. I know man who was a confirmed player who finally found the woman of his dreams. She devastated him when she told him that she would never have a relationship with him because he had slept with half of her friends.

    I would bet that many of the women on her would not be too keen on a relationship with a guy that they knew to be a sex freak…somebody that seemed to have very weak/no boundaries regarding sex.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 11:58am

  765. 765: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I love that site too. Thanks for reminding me. I forgot about it for a bit. Definitely great for a vibe change.

    Also, thanks for the magic tools the other day!

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:04pm

  766. 766: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Tried to connect with a few of you on FB but have not been able to find you. You can find me at knocksoftlyatyahoodotcom. Wrote it out the long way so it does not pick up on search engines. But if you search it on FB like a email you will find me!

    Hope all is well. I have been busy improving my life since my breakthrough a few days ago so have not been on as much.

    Makin’ BIG changes…..and have had no desire whatsoever for toxic man. This is a freedom I have not felt in a longgggggg time!

    Love ya’ll

    P.S.-I agree and get the concept of no RR mentions on our FB profiles. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:04pm

  767. 767: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #739 Jim, good stuff. Food for thought!
    And, yeah, you’re right:

    “A man knows when he loves a woman.

    and

    A woman does knows when she loves a man.”

    Indeed. But that knowledge may be buried deep inside. We have to dig through all the crap coming from our jobs, entertainment, zeitgeist, and the media to get to the issues that really count. Sometimes I think people had it easier in previous eras. Too much distraction nowadays, keeping us from hearing our inner voices.
    :-/

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:05pm

  768. 768: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #252: Boomer says:

    “#238. Kaitlyn, who here hasn’t cheated???”

    Honestly, not. Always only one girl for sex at any given time. Even when it was “only” an affair, and she was having sex with the boyfriend she was unhappy with. And not even in “virtual” relationships, on the internets. I’m lousy at multitasking, the emotions get in the way. So, no.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:18pm

  769. 769: SloaneNo Gravatar says:

    LD-
    yes, toxic it is. and yes, you nailed it. Intellectually I know … yet emotionally when there are those very intimate and open moments that are safe for both.. I hold onto them.. CDating is the next step and I am doing that.. Thank you.. It’s tough but I get it.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:19pm

  770. 770: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    janjune @ 336. Thanks! I feel good, at peace with myself and my choices. :)

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:21pm

  771. 771: SloaneNo Gravatar says:

    LD-
    One more thing.. It also makes it a bit tough when dealing with someone who actually responds when I take the lead and call or text after he has dissappeared for a few days.. It’s almost like I provide the green light to be ok again.. I don’t feel cpomfortable always to be the rower of the boat anymore.. I want to be cherished and feel the energy that attracts and receives.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:22pm

  772. 772: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#368: Queenbee:

    I totally get your emotional state right now. I mean I totally get it. I went through it many times with my deployments in the Navy. I would pull back, be less emotionally available as these deployments approached.

    Please understand this though…it can hurt those that we don’t mean to hurt. I had to have a long sit down with my wife over this. I had to let her know that it did not mean that I did not love her, or that I did not care about her, that there was just something inside me that made me do this, and what I came to learn was that I was easing myself into the separation so that it didn’t hit me all at once…so it didn’t hurt as much. When I was able to communicate this to my wife, that the separation hurt a lot and that while I enjoyed going places and seeing things I had never seen, I hated the separation….a lot…it helped her emotional state and she admitted that a lot of her emotional things were similar but played out differently! She wanted just the opposite. In her mind, she wanted to make the connection as strong as possible so that in her mind, as separation cooled this off, there would be some strong embers left to keep the heat. As you can see, my actions must have hurt her terribly.

    What sense is that this man wants a relationship with you but fears getting hurt. Maybe all he needs is for you to have a deep conversation to air all of this. Allow him to know that he can invest himself in you. He will feel safer doing this if he understands your motivations more thoroughly.

    I understand that a long deep convo seems like hard work right now. It always does when it is the most needed. But for me, it is like a deep tissue massage. You know it is going to hurt, or be uncomfortable, but the good thing is that afterwords, the tension is gone and you feel more relaxed.

    I know it is just my opinion, but I think that a deep convo, with a talking object, would do wonders for you and him.

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:24pm

  773. 773: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #680 Mercedes I stay away from grenades, too. A guy from my unit in the army lost some fingers because of fooling around with one (only a training grenade, but still dangerous). But I love playing with bombshells!
    :D

    Wednesday, 27 April 2011 @ 12:25pm

  774. 774: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Blog managment was contacted and I was approved to respond in feeling messages if I felt maligned (great word choice!)

    I feel extremely concerned that someone is giving advice who isn’t in any way certified to.

    And that I think is bogus, and is not in feeling messages although I’ve been told to talk that
    way. I feel reactionary!

    I feel amused that someone would think they were a grenade who can actually hurt someone when I’ve felt they were like an old small dog – not a puppy – a wizened barks at anything nips at heels, and then goes into a frenzy of explosion. And yet can do no real damage.

    I feel amazed that someone is so ego centric that any comment about what they post in an open discussion on a public forum….can then be about them…and the punishment for that is attempted anhilation!

    I feel concerned that there are people who thrive and get off on conflict.

    I feel afraid of this blog being labeled a place for crazy women.

    I feel afraid that normal social courtesies can be ignored in the relative anonymity of the internet, so people can post private correspondence, make baseless accusations and get agreement by “snark!”

    I feel afraid of people who send me long emails of victimization detailed pasts to explain how much they want to help me, and then don’t help! and then are not anyone I’d want help from.

    I feel afraid of people with radical personality swings who seem to thrive from an audience.

    I feel questioning of people who post here whose relationships are always and only….perfect. Perfect love, perfect actions, perfect adoration.

    I have doubt that this is the truth. I don’t like feeling like sh*t’s being shoveled.

    I don’t like snide little sex comments from the lurkers, either…bone*s and juices…

    blech. I don’t like snide comments period.

    There’s no way I’m being voted off this island, however I agree in totality with the idea
    that if it feels bad I should stay away from it.

    I feel like practicing that. But I feel sad because I’ll miss some people bunches.

    And I still know it’s all growth, I will not backslide because I can only expand. I won’t contract, I won’t become small with a LOUD beating brassy voice. I’ll try another way,

    and another….

    And my life will produce fabulous results for me! I’ll get the rewards of learning many ways and knowing my judgements are valuable. And I get to be me, the person with a healthy level of self esteem who keeps her word and whom has learned that toxic people can come in many guises.

    I repel toxicity and thus, toxic people! I enjoy real and vulnerable peopl