“Rori, Please HELP. I am so lost and feel so alone. I have been dating Robert for 4 years and you could say we have lived together all this time. We both have our own place, but from the beginning he always wanted me with him. SO I came to his place every day after work and stayed there on weekends. I had a key to his place and he has one to mine. I would get off before him and he wanted me to come on over and make myself at home and wait for him.
He always made sure he was home right after work and we would eat dinner and then he would help with the dishes and then we would sit together and watch tv or a movie. Then we would get up and shower together washing each others backs and making love afterward and then falling asleep in each others arms.
It was the best 4 years of my life and on weekends when he had his kids we spent all the time together like a family. Then a month-and-a-half ago out of the blue he started telling me he was going to go out with some guys from work and then he would come home to me very drunk.
I would try to guilt him into not going. Which just made him mad at me. I know that was wrong. I finally just stopped since it didn’t help and then the parties stopped 4 weeks ago and then I woke up one morning a month ago for work and then he kissed me good bye like always and told me he loved me and would see me tonight for dinner.
Then like clock work he called me around lunch time and while we were talking he just told me he wanted to break up and that he needed space. But he loved me and wanted to keep me in his life as his friend, because he sees me as his best friend.
I was crushed and tried to make him change his mind. It didn’t work. Then a few days later he came by to fix some things he knew needed fixing and we talk and he asks if I was willing to be friends and to be exclusive sexually.
I was desperate not to lose him, so I agreed. And I would see him every other night and he would come by, spend some time watching TV with me, holding me on the couch and kissing me and we would make love and he would stay for an hour or more and then kiss me good bye and go home.
I know he went home because I would drive by and check a little later and also in the morning to make sure there wasn’t anyone else there.
I haven’t found another car there and he is always home. Then the other night I saw him at a going-away party for a friend of ours and we ended up coming back to my place and making love and him sleeping over. I became curious and wondered if there was another woman and looked at his cell phone text messages and calls. ( only friends) He woke up and caught me and was so mad and left.
I haven’t seen him for 3 days. And then I see him at the gym (we work out together once a week) and he showed up because he knew I needed help with the free weights. He played around with me some and gave me a few hugs, but he didn’t try to kiss me like he use to.
Please Rori help me win him back. I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy but I was so desperate to know he wasn’t with another woman. I am so scared I lost him for good. Which is hard because I see him at the fire department we both volunteer at twice a week.
I know he loves me because of what we have been through, but my insecurities keep messing things up, because I have been cheated on by an ex-husband and ex-fiance in my past. I desperately want to find a way for him to return and spend a life with him and his children.
Regina – you aren’t going to like this. It’s tough love, so don’t read if you don’t want to hear it.
You’re in a friends with benefits situation, and you’ve been there a long, long time.
The “losing” of him (if you ever actually “had” him, and I don’t believe you did) happened a long time ago.
He’s long gone.
Some men don’t need more than what he has with you right now. There may not be another woman. There may be many other women. There may not be another woman for years. Makes no difference. He may never be into ANY woman. He may frequent prostitutes for all you know. Every time you sleep with him you are physically endangering yourself (I hope you’re using condoms).
Here’s the Truth: He’s not into you. This is what the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” is about – and I suggest you see it (perhaps rent it and watch it over and over and over again until you get it the way the characters finally do).
Here’s what I want you to do, and if you decided to read this – I know all the women on this site will help you to stay strong:
1. Drop him out of your life. Completely. NO CONTACT.
This means – no gym unless you’re sure he’s not there – best thing to do is take a month’s free trial at another gym, perhaps some interesting dance classes, something new, but if you can’t, then make sure you go when he’s NOT going to be there.
Same with the fire department. Take a month off, or make SURE he’s not going to be there.
Yes – he will complain.
He will show up on your doorstep. He will call you. He will try to belittle you, he will call you crazy, he will get angry, he will try to make your life a hell until you start sleeping with him again and being his friend.
You’re going to have to be very, very strong and tell him this:
“I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over.”
And if he DOES call, or shows up at your home – I suggest strongly that you hang up the phone, slam the door before he says ANYTHING. If you need protection, call the police.
Yes – I’m totally serious here.
You are – (and I’m going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my clients all the time – it’s very helpful to see it from this perspective) – you are a JUNKIE.
He is like the needle you can’t wait to stick in your arm.
You’re giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he’s with you.
Same with heroin.
It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can’t let go of wanting the “fix.” He is your “fix.”
Regina – I want you to take a square look at what is really happening here – a “nice and friendly” version of the classic “booty call,” and then, I want you to….
Every single man who even looks at you kindly, I want you to smile back at him. I want you to take every invitation you get to anywhere. I want you out of the house and in the company of some man.
I want you to experience what it feels like to be with a man who is not like heroin. Yeah, maybe a boring man, maybe a quiet man, maybe a not-so-sexy man, maybe a man you can’t or won’t fall in love with.
This man is not toxic in himself. He may be a very nice man. But he’s heroin for you. There is no “easing out of this.” Cold turkey is your only option here.
Please get started Circular Dating this minute, get a support system in place (blog here night and day if it helps you – we’re here 24/7, and living all over the world on this site), get at least my ebook so you get the basics of what you need to do here.
Now – if he ever should show up and want more than friends with benefits – you can still be easily fooled. So you have to get yourself in a place where you are dating so many men, you can handle him being one of them, should you so choose. In my experience – when you get to that point you will no longer be interested in him.
So – this is your plan, should you choose to accept it.
If not – and this is your choice, and a choice I don’t recommend - you can use as many of my Tools as you can get and practice with this man. But the first Tool is always around “Boundaries” – and right now, your body and heart must be “off limits” to him.
Regina – if you decide to get on your own side, instead of working against yourself and your life – I KNOW you can do it. I KNOW you can have what you want.
Your task is to rebuild your self-esteem in the company of men who WANT to be with you, who want to make you happy, who want to give you what YOU want. It’s very difficult to lift yourself up in the company of a man who always makes you feel bad.
What’s going on for you here is something we’ve ALL been through. And now it’s ENOUGH. Enough is enough. Save yourself.
We’re all here to support you.