=)

It feels like I’m bumping up against bigger and bigger (and “older”) stuff that I don’t even know if is really so much about guys! Thank you for helping me do this and providing a place for me to write this down… I have not done this by myself and would have felt scared and grossed out to…

I think we need to solidify your goals - what you really do want relationship-wise, so that you can keep yourself on track…Love, Rori

I started cooking minestrone shrimp. YUM!

I feel really down now and am simply feeling that I will not have what I want…

I don’t really watch Sex In the City but am guessing at what you’re talking about… I don’t have to have the catch of the town… although sometimes I like that… he may be cute to only me… as long as I feel attracted to him…

I was dating the guy I’m not attracted to only because I was following your advice to let boring guys take me out… otherwise I would never have gone out with him again… it did help me practice dating and it was nice to be taken out… and I did get over a lot of feelings of not being “worthy” or feeling “awkward” about being treated nice…

I am not trying to get married here… I just want to have lots of attractive men to date and feel I can attract any man I want… then I will pick when I feel I want to get married…

Well I feel scared I’m not going to be getting that… I feel like crying and it sux because my mom is in the room… I love my feelings and thank you for that.

I feel hopeless right now. I am snapping at my mom because she is trying to talk to me and hug me and I do not want that right now… and I feel like a mean and selfish ***** and really guilty.

I guess it just seems like I want too much… I never did understand the part where you said you fell for your husband when you didn’t like him at first. That barely ever happens to me… well once… and then he turned into the “love of my life” that is a man I am toxically attracted to who doesn’t want a relationship with me, loves me, considers me a close friend but never calls me and that I have been thinking about constantly and wanting to call for the past 2 days as well as the past 5 years.

Yes I have seen improvement in my attitude towards myself. I just miss hanging out at his house! I miss his energy and I miss the rest of my friends there. I miss the feeling of home I have being there! I just want to call… I did call and go there last weekend… well that was not so bad at all… I used the tools and felt a lot stronger than I used to. I love this hopelessness… ok my mom left and now I am sobbing and I just wish I would DIE!!! which is not true I don’t know how much of this loneliness I can take… I love myself for this outpouring and for my tears and I love you guys for having this blog and listening to my tirades! I feel so scared I’m not going to get what I want… what I want is for him to love me and sometimes when I feel especially strong I let go of him and feel like the world is full of men for me… but right now I don’t feel like that at all and it always comes around in a circle and I’m back to this desperate hopeless feeling… I love my feeling and I wish I could kill myself (that is not true just came out as I was typing I have never done and don’t want to do anything like that) but I guess a part of me does want to kill myself and that is ok… and a part of me I know wants to live and I love both of them… I love life and I love laughing and smiling and I love men I always have even though I never get the ones I want I am willing to consider that I can. And I am wanting to allow myself to get them and to let one that I find attractive that wants me in! And I am evidently willing to put my rage in front of me and on the entire WEB!!! I FEEEL SOOOO MAAAAD!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT I FEEL MAD AT!!! I AM CRYING AND MY MOUTH IS HURTING AND THE LEFT PART OF MY JAW!! and that feels funny and now I am laughing too! HIHI! and now I feel smily. And I still feel stuck and I still wish I had friends that I felt close to AND that call me… and that is ok… I love my lonely feeling… I love my yearning and I love my crying hopeless heap of a Stranger in her swamp… I love my heartbreak… I love my desperation… I love my desire to die… I love all of me and that is kind of cool… I definitely feel calm now…

I still feel like I am “missing something” to take all of this to the next level and really attract the men I want including the guy I mentioned - yes I will be honest I want to attract him, even though that may be holding on I also have to be honest about what I want, right? Confused about that…

sigh… I have gone down again so I want to say that I love my confusion and that feels like my eyes brightening and smiling… I love my tight throat that says I feel lonely… I know I will never get over this and that is ok because I love myself and a part of me knows I will get over this… So I love both parts including the part that says I wont because I know she is lying but I still love her… and I am giving her a hug right now… and her eyeballs are popping out but I still love her! And that is kinda funny… I feel so much yearning for someone to talk to me who can give me energy… and I love that part of me and I give her my energy now… and thank you… I mean thank myself but thank you too… and now I feel like yawning…

I feel stuck with nothing to do… nothing on my list seems particularly appealing right now… I don’t feel like I have energy… I feel guilty for writing such a huge post where you guys can see my energy going around… people must be feeling frustrated by now… Why won’t this girl shut up? they are thinking… or oh God what a drama queen… or jeez will she never get to it already? lol that is cool too see that written down and know I am still able to write. I feel like doing something else now though… of course I don’t know where to go out the house because I have NO friends I want to see and the ones that do call me I don’t really care about that much (hmm… issue or what?) LOL. I am going to love myself in the end I Am determined!!! Hihi! I feel triumphant a little big. Triumphant ends like elephant and that is kind of cool… hehe I feel smily… I wish you guys would respond that would feel fun (but then maybe I won’t like you either - LOOL just kidding ) you guys are awesome!! Ok I want to at least check my email (I will have no new email since the past 10 min of course… then instead I can work on my abundance course… or cook shrimp minestrone soup… or workout… or dress up cute and… um call that guy and see if I can go over and hang out with him (HEHE that feels hilarious it’s been like this constantly for the past 2 days I SWEAR)… orr… write in my journal (to save Rori’s blog space)… or edit the text for my webpage… AHA… or practice some energy work… orr check my phone to see if anyone’s called (that feels exhausting)… or make the symbol cards for my energy work… strain my tea…

I feel love for myself and my addicted feeling…
I love me ! I love me! I love ME!

=)

uhh I am going to check my email and do something cool I’ll let u guys know in a sec…

Maybe that is what’s holding me back…

But in that case I don’t want it… I am not settling for nice and boring… sorry… and I feel like I’m going to cry and throw up now!

Think about Charlotte on Sex and the City - her husband may not look like a “collar ad,” but he feels like one to Charlotte. And the sex - she can count on it, it’s good, she trusts him. That’s what you’re looking for. Love, Rori

I have not kissed this guy yet… LOL (never had this happen with a guy before). He has not kissed me… he did text me about it about a month into our dating…
HIM: I wanted to kiss you tonight but I don’t know how you would feel about that
Me: I feel weird, I don’t know

I meant I feel weird because I don’t want to be asked by text, but since then he has not kissed me.

We do hold hands or give each other light hugs and massages. A couple of times I got the idea that he was going to try and kiss me but at that time I felt grossed out and I think it showed in my body language.

Should I end it with this guy or let him know that I don’t feel it “like that” for him?

I thought I was supposed to keep seeing all men that contact me (as long as I feel comfortable with them) for practice… but maybe I misunderstood…

at the same time I know Rori says to say “thank you for telling me how you feel” (when he has an angry message) to him… and I’m not sure if that is meant for these cases… perhaps he has connected to his heart through us?? (which was the idea) or perhaps not and he’s being girly? I feel confused.

I also remember one of the first dating posts here Rori said we are being too hard by expecting men to do everything and that a question such as “where would you like to go?” is actually a masculine thing…

This might or might not be the case here, however, as I was not asked to go anywhere… LOL…

Rori it would feel great if you can resolve this for us… I have repeteadly bumped up agains this “dilemma”

If you put out EFFORT - and don’t enjoy what comes back to you - you’re going to feel angry.

This is about YOU - so just keep noticing what’s going on, what you’re feeling, and keep moving out there so you can have some good experiences with men who you feel at least a bit more attracted to.

What we don’t want is “Chemistry” taking over. That’s just a bad way to build a relationship.

But after about 6 dates, you have to at least feel good kissing him, and if sex doesn’t please you at all - you can practice with him to work on that! But if it never gets off the ground for you…keep DATING! Love, Rori

I get really angry when I’m talking to my husband and he does something like lean back in his chair or lie on the floor or use Feeling Messages. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not actually trying to use Rori’s tools, even if it looks like he is…LOL.

I’ve been dating this one “good” guy I don’t feel attracted to for about a year now. I was practicing on him as he was one of the first men I met who regularly took me out to eat, and picked me up. Overtime I noticed he became more “girly,” texting instead of calling… etc. Then he lost his job and felt he did not have money to take me out… then he kept insisting I drive to see him, come meet him in his town… etc. I always refused. We did not see each other for 1 month after I came back from vacation. I felt angry and said so. We had a talk about it where he said he feels I’m not interested because I don’t call and don’t want to come see him. I said I don’t want to do that because I’m practing laying back and being womanly. He said oh he thought it was disinterest and he’s glad we talked, the he (online) invited me to his house again 2 days later. I did not respond. Here’s our text convo today:

Him: Goodmorning!

(4 hours later because I was sleeping)
Me: Thank you… gmorning
Him: What ya up to
Me: I’m feeling great today I’m about to take a shower
(30 min later)
Him: What are you going to do today

- Now HERE’S THE WEIRD PART… at this point I felt very IRRITATED, which happens to me A lot with him. Most of the time I try to ignore it because it feels unfounded. I feel irritated because this seems to passive to me? I’m not sure… I would certainly prefer: HEY DO YOU WANT TO DO SO AND SO… I would love to see you… or something that just feels better.

Normally I would ignore his text at this point. Sometimes I might try to answer his question. This time I decide to be brave and say:

Me: I’m feeling bugged by these questions… and I feel guilty saying that… whatsup

Him: Nothing. Forget it.

(Normally he does not say something dismissive like this)

Me: Oh… I’m feeling misunderstood =(

(And I was…)

Rori did I do the right thing at the end? How can I improve this communication?… it seems I feel annoyed about things that aren’t intended to make me angry… and I don’t want to be mean! Help! This happens all the time with most of my “good” guys

She DESERVES your love - not ONLY because she’s a part of you - but because she’s such a crucial, important, righteous, powerful - and yes, beautiful part of you (even if you can’t see it now), and by denying your love for her, you are essentially denying your love for yourself.

She holds the keys to everything that’s been holding you back. Love her, because that’s where the love IS. Love, Rori

I just want to disappear from my life right now… and go somewhere far away… I just had a vacation last month but I guess for me I need a vacation every few days… which is ok that is part of what I want… my eyes want to stare out and to the left and not acknowledge reality… I feel so “out of it” and full of rage at I don’t know what… I am terrified by thoughts of letting my ex back in by picking up his calls although his calls have been nice lately… and I knocked myself down that way… I still haven’t gotten the hang of riffing on the go instead of here on the computer either…

I JUST WANT TO RUN!! wHERE? I DON:T KNOW! I WANT TO CALL THIS ONE GUY WHOSE house I used to love to go to because it feels like home and so relaxing!! and I want to go over there and relax, but then I might get addicted to him again and I don’t want that… aaah there is nowhere to turn lol… I am going to sink but somehow that feels reasurring taht there is nowhere to turn but into me… groosss!! I don’t know what that meant but I love my grossness!!! and I am going to check on my food cooking…

I’ve realized that I have a dark, seedy underbelly that wants to trap and destroy a man–or maybe even all men!

It’s terrifying. And she’s hideous and repulsive–the ugliest thing I could ever imagine, me who from the time I was born only ever wanted to be considered beautiful.

Can I really love and embrace this creature? Well, what choice do I have, she is a part of me.

I wanted to share this in hopes that it might inspire other readers to make peace with their own swamp things.