This idea is so triggering – sex at all is always triggering, but sex when you’re not “exclusive” (in a “dating” sense) with the man is especially triggering:
“Rori, I came upon your ebook – (which I purchased) just after starting dating again. It just so happens, I did have sex with the one man I find most appealing – before I read your book. While I don’t intend to have sex with others I’m dating, I do want to continue circular dating to find Mr. Right as your ‘Targeting Mr. Right” teaches, but I could use your input on this one subject now: How to be having intimacy with one man, while dating others, … with the goal of finding the right one to marry?”
Sex is a loaded issue.
The moment we allow a man to touch us (and notice I say allow him to touch us — because when we touch a man, it’s a very different experience than allowing him to touch us) — we open up our hearts in a way that creates a triggering reaction in our subconscious.
What does this look like?
All of a sudden all our circuits start firing in our brain. And the circuits all throw words into our brains, words like “love,” like “forever,” like “commitment,” like “he’s the one,”and pictures show up in our brains. Pictures of wedding gowns. Pictures of wandering through the woods together hand-in-hand.
And then those words and pictures create even more subconscious reactions. Reactions of fear, of danger, of shutdown.
And so the moment a man touches us, a war begins inside us. War between the feeling of forever after, and the feeling of I must protect myself.
So what do we do?
Usually – this is our strategy: In order to somehow tune out this war going on inside us, we feel pressure and need to up the ante of the chemistry!
In other words, the man who creates the most chemistry inside us gets us to open up our hearts the most, because the chemistry overrides the war in our brains.
So if we go so far as to not only allow a man to touch us, but to enter our bodies with his body in full-on sex– the only thing our bodies and brains can do with the war going on inside ourselves is to jump back and forth. To jump back and forth between the imagining and the fabulous feeling of forever love, and the tightening, restricting, closed off feeling of I must protect myself.
So we close down around the man we’ve allowed into our bodies in a whole number of ways.
We bounce from a feeling of peacefulness, resting in the chemistry of it all and in a momentary landing on the forever side of the war — only to bounce into the scared, I must protect myself part. And any small, tiny, irrelevant, nothing sort of thing can trigger either one of these feelings!
So while we’re attempting to balance and juggle these things: This inner war, the chemistry, and the part of us that’s actually SANE (the part of us that’s simply drawing from our experience of the man and being in the presence of the man to make a reasonable, intelligent decision from moment-to-moment about whether or not we actually want to continue to BE with this man in any way, even just in our imaginations) — if we were to try to date other men as well, to allow other men to touch our bodies as well (perhaps just a kiss or a touch) it could make us feel like we’re crazy.
And that’s why Circular Dating is so important.
It’s a practice.
Circular Dating makes it possible for you to practice at first dating a lot of men at the same time, then allowing a lot of men to touch you emotionally and physically, and then perhaps to allow a man all the way into your body sexually, without ever zeroing in on any one man as a “forever” man.
You just have to take this baby step-by-baby-step.
* You have to be able to separate sex from “forever.”
* You have to be able to discover what feels good to you and what doesn’t.
* You have to discover what of your old beliefs about yourself and about the world that are not working for you can be adjusted — and which ones cannot be adjusted. At least not so quickly. You need to practice up ending your beliefs step-by-step!
And this may mean experimenting. Experimenting sleeping with one man and seeing how that goes.
* Seeing how your belief system reacts.
* Seeing if you start feeling unhinged and “insane,” or powerful and peaceful.
* Seeing what happens to the war inside you.
* See what chemistry actually truly means to you.
The goal here is to not be RUN by anything! Not by your subconscious war, and not by chemistry. And not by your old beliefs either — even if they’re ones that come easily conscious to you.
You are you. You are not the creation of a bunch of thoughts. You are not the creation of a bunch of experiences either.
And yet, by experimenting with a bunch of thoughts, and a bunch of experiences, you can discover who you are.
* You can discover what works for you.
* You can learn to stop judging your self, and believe yourself to be a work in progress like every other human being on the planet.
* You can begin to honor yourself with this space to try new things.
* You can begin to trust your own good judgment about what and what does not serve.
* You can begin to trust that you will make decisions in the moment and choices in the moment about what to do and say and not do and say that will create experiences that feel good and help you toward what you want!
And if what you want is happy ever after — and that’s what I want for you — then experimenting with having sex with one man (actually having a lover) –without restricting your option to go out with, spend time with, and get to know other men who may want your “forever,” too — would be an amazing thing.
This is all just an idea. The goal is to find what works for you. And to start feeling so good about the path you’re on and the way you’re walking down that path that you just start to radiate the star quality of who you are 100% of the time.