Here’s a letter that will make you shudder – I know each one of you could help her…and yet…that would not help her.
Because, bottom line, we have to want to do it for ourselves.
So – thought there’s a deep, extreme, unhappy situation here for Lia – the post’s really about – how can we get ourselves to be willing to (actually WANT to) see what actually IS – instead of what we wish to make up.
And then, how to motivate ourselves to focus our work in the direction that will actually serve us…
I’m Lia from Hungary. I sent the following letter to you in April, to get your help. Unfortunately, I wasn’t put out in a blog post. I would like you to post me out in the blog if it’s possible. It would mean so much for me to get your detailed help and other women’s as well.
The original story:
I would like to ask for your help if you can have some minutes for me. You are my last hope basically. I don’t know where to turn. I read all your newsletters but I will need specific help.
I am 25 year old, my ex-boyfriend is 46 years old. He is divorced twice, has no children. We were a couple for 2 months from October 2009 until December 2009, then I slept sometimes at him for a month in this year. Previously, we were planning marriage and children and we were ultimately happy together. Since this February, he refuses contact with me for talk, personal meeting etc. because he says we always just argue and he loves me, but can’t be my boyfriend. No specific reason he ever gave for the break-ups. He only said, he doesn’t feel good with me and he feels crazy after making love to me… He also said, I can’t even be his lover, because he wants to have a girlfriend- just not me… We had a terrible row about this, since then he doesn’t want to hear about me. He says: “no time soon…” or: “never” He is still single although. I realized that sometimes I was acting hysterical, needy and desperate. In the last 3 months, I read lot of psychological, self-help material, thought about myself and improved myself. I see much clearer now, and ready to change, but he doesn’t want to know about my changes or improving intentions…
Although I started to make progress on myself, Rori, you have to know, that I’m still totally heartbroken… I would like to get him back, get an other chance for dating him again. We used to have such a sparkle… He doesn’t contact me ever, but replies if I do. I called him on the phone this week just for some light & breezy friendly words, and he called back, seemed bit more relaxed about talking to me. But no further progress ever since, didn’t contact me. We don’t really meet personally by accident. I know that my situation is hopeless and I made terrible mistakes… Somehow, I still believe in us. You know how it is. I’m afraid, I’m running out of time, and he will find someone else…
His character is very interesting: sometimes very romantic, sensitive, caring but other times totally the opposite: cruel, ignorant, treating me like a complete stranger, a dangerous enemy.
Please, if you see any chances to get me out of this situation, help me if you can…Lia”
Here was my original reply to Lia:
Lia, you know that this man has illuminated a deep problem for you – and that is cause for joy.
You know that until you get your hysterical, angry, argumentative, needy, desperate reactions shifted into a calmer, more self-aware place – you will not be able to have a relationship with this man.
And it’s likely too soon.
You need to practice being this way with OTHER men, first, until it becomes natural for you, and you can heal yourself.
And here’s Lia’s update:
“Update to my original story:
Things only got worse after sending you this letter. I didn’t know what to do and tried to contact him several times. We also slept together and he admitted that he misses me. But he traveled to Paris for a trip. 4 days and since he returned he refuses to talk to me, contact me. He seems to be disgusted of me. He said not to enter his life. I sent a long letter to him, not angry, but accepting his decisions and emphasize my own views about his behavior. I tried to do a long feeling message with it.
I know, I know… I shouldn’t seek for closure. He hasn’t contacted me ever since. I still love him, miss him… But I lost hope. I tried Circular Dating, but no success. I only got some humiliation. Trying to focus on myself but everything I costs me 10 times as much energy as normally. with so much energy I could also work on the corn fields. I’m physically- emotionally exhausted, in bad financial status. My parents turned against me and see me as an enemy. I don’t have a job as well. I lost everything. I’m a living S.O.S sign.
He also said, he can only be a relationship with a woman who loves herself and has both feet on the ground. But how could I be this woman? Even if I was this imaginary woman- he would never find it out, because he NEVER calls me… LOL.
I’m really at the will of changing, but don’t know how to… Don’t want to lose him forever. I feel he is the One for me. In other things of life, we have totally the same concerns, lifestyle, plans for the future, same interests. The only thing we couldn’t agree is our relationship… ”
Here’s my answer for us all:
Okay. I can hear my own inner voices, and all of yours judging Lia for basically not even hearing me in the first place, for not seeing reality, for focusing on this man instead of herself – for not seeing how she is causing her circumstances.
And yet – we ALL are like that.
In some ways we ALL wear blinders.
We are all blocking the truth. We see what we want to see, try to make everything “fixable.”
We all wish to believe we are so powerful – if only we had the key, we could wind up other people, change circumstances, run the world.
And yet – we feel so powerless that we cannot even control our own behavior.
We cannot see our anger and rage, and we hear a man saying “I cannot stand being with you because we argue. And I cannot love you because YOU don’t love you” and we IGNORE it.
We’re still looking for what we can fix.
The thing is – we CAN fix this – it’s just not the thing we want to fix that’s fixable!
We need to fix US – even if it’s the smallest thing – AND – we can’t fix it if we HATE ourselves!!
So – here’s the problem. We need to take responsibility – but not BLAME.
There are lots of ways to look at this – spiritually, psychologically, practically…and more…
First – I want to say this – Lia is working the Tools. She’s using them, she’s practicing, she’s pulling them out, she’s noticing stuff, and THAT’S the GOOD part here.
What we need to help her with is that the REASON she’s working the Tools is the wrong reason.
This is pretty much the hardest place when you’re getting started with my Tools – getting your attitude from “I have to make this happen…” to “I don’t have to do anything to make this happen… All I have to do is give love to myself.”
This is a pretty radical shift in energy, in focus, and in your “vibe” – and all by itself…if you can start to talk yourself into this attitude…everything will change for you.
You’ll see the world and every moment in it differently.
Once you take your foot off the gas pedal of your life, and instead focus on enjoying and experiencing every tiny detail and moment of the RIDE…that’s when everything changes and your life takes off!