Here’s a letter from Trista – who’s in a situation I know almost all of us can identify with…and by seeing it from our vantage point outside the situation – it’s so clear to us…and yet, I know that when you’re there, inside the situation – it’s so much harder to get what’s going on:
I recently listened to your interview with Christian Carter, and really connected with everything you said. But now I have a major problem.
A few weeks ago I met a guy, then we had three great dates. The third date he came to my place for dinner, and stayed the night (on a Wednesday). It was fantastic- we really connected!
I am 37 and he is 38. He has a 16y/o son that does not live with him. His son was up staying with him for three weeks (from that prev weekend). I didn’t see anything of him after that – he said he was busy with his son- and they were having issues. So that’s fine – I followed your advice and gave him space. Then he texted me the day his son left to apologize to me that he had been focusing on his son (a Sunday).
We got together the following Saturday night – again he came to mine for dinner. Again he stayed, and it was great. In hindsight I see I initiated things, but other than that nothing to hint at anything wrong. He was very chatty etc. In the morning he left after a cup of tea. We talked some more – everything seemed fine.
I am very into physical touch – and touched him a fair bit – on the back/leg etc, but wouldn’t have thought that would come across as too needy.
Then he texted me that Sunday night to say that its all happening too fast, and that he’s got too much going on. I replied suggesting we slow down and continue to try – but he said “sorry no”.
Is there any hope? If I give him time and space – might he come round – or am I kidding myself? Should I go over to his and try to talk to him? I thought maybe a letter, where I could express my feelings (something I hadn’t really done), and that would give him time and space to digest it.
Please help – I really felt a connection with this guy and am completely devastated.
Thank you, Trista.”
Here’s my answer:
Trista – and all of you who’ve ever found yourself pining after a man like this (I’ve been there many, many times – and that’s how I know what’s going on here…)
Basically – it’s done. He said it’s done, and so it’s done. This is my 4th Rule in my 4 Rules: Learn to take No for an answer.
For next time:
1.Never never, never invite a man over to your house, cook him dinner and sleep with him. Never, never again. Promise me?
2. I know that YOU felt a connection – but if he felt the same connection, he would be on your doorstep right now, and he isn’t.
3. Please get (at least) my ebook – and you’ll understand what went wrong here…this is an “Imaginary Relationship” and an “Imaginary Connection” – all from only YOUR side.
Know this: It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to have a connection with a man who does not feel connected to you.
You may feel a longing.
He may trigger your emotions from some past occurrences in your life – he may remind you in some way of your father, your mother, an uncle, a boy you had a crush on long ago, or a movie star you adore.
Just know these feelings are coming from YOU!
They are not about a connection. A connection takes TWO – you AND him. It’s an opening of BOTH hearts, not just YOURS opening and giving out, and him taking in what you give – most likely with his heart not even involved.
A man would have to be STUPID to reject what you were offering here no strings attached. And…as a decent man (he seems to be) he ended it quickly when he realized you wanted more and felt more than he did.
Now – here’s the standard advice everyone (including me) will give you:
Forget about him – go date other men. Circular Date. If he was meant to be…he’d be here.
And yet, I KNOW it’s so much harder to do when it’s you in the middle of it.
So – here’s some help:
4. Now – I want you to look at this most important thing in your letter: You said - “Should I go over to his and try to talk to him? I thought maybe a letter, where I could express my feelings (something I hadn’t really done), and that would give him time and space to digest it.”
Can you see what this would be like if you actually did it?
To go over to his house and try to convince him to see you again, or to write a letter to him - a man you saw only 4 times (the sex doesn’t count in any way…) – feels like you begging. You might as well get down on your hands and knees and plead with him.
This is so beneath you!
You sound like a fabulous woman – and all you need now is to BELIEVE you’re a fabulous woman and get this whole idea of chasing down a man OUT of your head and heart.
I know you can fix this fast. It might feel challenging to hold back with a man until you have some idea of what’s going on, and Circular Dating so that you don’t focus on any one man – but it will WORK!!!