Men who are righteously “busy” are a challenge.
You can’t fault them for not spending time with you because they’re saving the world.
Or leading a symphony, or holding down two jobs, or taking care of their small children after wrestling custody of them from their drug-addict ex-wives. (I’ve dated a man in that situation – it’s not as far-fetched as you’d think.)
So, here’s a letter about that, from Anna, who’s looking at this in a way that will not work for her. It’s almost a “doormat” way to look at things…because she’s got one of those righteously busy men, and he seems like such a prize.
Remember, as you read this — it doesn’t matter HOW GREAT he is. If you want a fling with an amazing, difficult, busy man, then do it. But if you want lifelong love and family and attention, affection and great sex…look elsewhere…:
“Rori, I read your articles all the time. Thanks for your insight! I am seeing a medical student 4th year. We have been friends for a while, so I know the demands of his schedule. We tried to take it past the friendship level (not sex), but the pressure was too heavy with school, so we backed up alot. How do I pace myself to maintain interest (for both of us). I know there is something there. He primarily calls me when he can talk (about 3 times a week). Don’t want to make him feel like I want to compete at this time, but show him I care. Anna.”
And here’s my answer:
Anna – Medical students and residents – all graduate students – do so much better married or with steady girlfriends. They feel supported, they can have regular sex, and they don’t have to do anything. Because they’re doctors, they are considered, as you instinctively consider him – to be excused from normal human issues.
And then, when they get out of school – they’re doctors – and it’s different than it used to be. They are no longer gods who can command huge salaries and put out a shingle anywhere. There are more and more doctors and less and less jobs, and the money isn’t that good, and the pressure is humongous…
Used to be (and know this from the women I went to college with) – that a man would lean on his girlfriend through college and medical school (or law school, or business school…) and then graduate and get his certifications and licenses and start making huge money and attract women from everywhere and then DUMP his same girlfriend who stood by him her whole college life.
Now – it’s not the same. Moving out into the work world is harder these days, and the stress of school hangs on. But, still, just as in the old days, a man who makes a successful transition from school to work OFTEN starts out in a new direction personally, too.
Now he wants to see the world. Now he wants every woman who comes onto him. Now he thinks he’s hot stuff.
Your man might not be like this. A man you meet and date in college might not be like this. He may be a true-blue kind of man (Though with this Tiger Woods phenomenon, you wonder if it’s even possible to spot a true-blue man – I mean, who looked more true-blue from “here” than Tiger?)
And yet – the possibility exists that when circumstances CHANGE – everything changes. This is why it’s absolutely CRUCIAL to Circular Date. You should NEVER tie yourself down to one man EXCEPT for your own experience.
If you’re dating a really cool guy, and you’re learning a lot from the relationship, and you want to experiment with what a steady “boyfriend” feels like so you can be better prepared for marriage – then try it. But don’t expect it to last – in fact, I’d be very careful about that.
I would never, ever abandon Circular Dating – no matter how married you are!!! Without making contact, even momentarily, with men everywhere, you put yourself in a box. Your vibration gets smaller and smaller and you forget there’s a big world out there.
You shop at the same market, walk the same streets, exercise at the same place…and everything seems doomed when a relationship doesn’t go as far as you’d like.
Hoping that a relationship will work out forever is NOT a good reason to shut down your options.
So – to answer your question – there IS no way to “pace” this. You DATE him. That’s ALL. You date him, and you date other men, and…may the best man win!!!
Now – for the other part of your letter – Anna. Him calling you a few times a week is not ANY kind of “relationship.” It’s strictly a friendship. It may be a worthwhile friendship – and it may develop into something else later, you never know, but for now – it’s not more than friendship.
That means you are not really even “dating” him right now. So – please – Circular Date, let him stay in touch with you, and have as much fun as you possibly can without thinking of him for a moment.
If you’re hung up on him…that’s even more of a clue that you need to focus more on YOU, and on what YOU love, what you like, and that you need to Circular Date with tons of men so you can practice the Tools, lift your spirits, your self-esteem and your “vibe,” and have the relationship you want.