Victoria is my client – and I got her permission to reprint some of our email conversations…really, really helpful:
First – from Rori: Victoria – it was great to talk with you – I hope it’s okay with you that I was so firm and tough on you ..this is where “coaching” is so different from therapy…imagine you’re an elite sports player out there with the ball – as your coach…I keep pushing you…
I do not like to see you repeating your old patterns that you came to me to eradicate just because you’re resisting doing the work so hard.
Some clients resist Circular Dating so much, and I sense their emotional fragility and I don’t push them, but instead try to ease them out of depression or into a better frame of mind…with you…I don’t feel fragility as much as other things that I can more easily push you past. I just feel there’s a fear-based insistence on your masculine energy – and you just don’t want to let go of it…and I just think “awareness” in the Eastern spiritual tradition will go a long, long way to help you.
Please just get Targeting Mr. Right and make the decision to “do the work” on yourself THROUGH interacting with men, so that you can “give up” working so hard when you’re WITH a man.
There really are great men out there. You aren’t bringing them into your life because you’re not used to doing and not doing what will help you relate to these men. You are still wanting what’s not good for you. This is SO totally natural – every one of my clients comes in like this, and the speed with which you move forward is totally up to you.
I just give you the Tools and teach you how to use them. YOU have to do the work. It’s like learning anything – a language (and feminine, feeling-based language IS a new language for you…), an instrument…you have to do the scales, you have to practice. Thank goodness there are so many ways now to get around men.
I challenge you to track yourself every moment…to Listen at level 2, to practice every Tool you’ve got from me so far – and do it SERIOUSLY, with intent, round the clock, wherever you are – ESPECIALLY when you’re in the presence of a man – through email, phone, or in person. If you want a step-by-step “what do I say” kind of thing – that’s in Targeting…and I’m doing scripting teleclasses, too, to help.
You can DO THIS!!!!
I have such total, absolute faith in you and your intelligence – I KNOW you can do this, and that’s why I’m pushing you.
Otherwise, I’d just listen and nod and take your money. Love, Rori
Now, from Victoria: “Hi Rori ;
So i got a knock at my house early this am, it was my guy neighbor to let me know my car got broken into…not good ….so I’m dealing with that.
I feel stressed and vulnerable of course,, i would like to reach out to the married Dr but i know i probably shouldn’t he obviously doesn’t care enough about me…. I also like my neighbor and he has told me he finds me attractive and i have been really been wanting to see him but wish that it was under better circumstances..
I feel more scared and vulnerable than other usual a bit needy i suppose , cause i feel alone and a bit desperate or in need for protection or a hug or comfort, i guess the break in makes me more needy. I don’t know how to relate to my neighbor guy. i would like to reach out to him his name is Greg but i don’t want to scare him away with my neediness at this time…
From Rori: Being upset about your car being broken into is so totally normal – did you let him see that? All you need to do is thank him when you see him for letting you know, and SHARE with him how vulnerable and upset you feel…See what happens…
From Victoria: You would be proud of me ….despite my internal anguish i got myself to the gym and later at the tea house said hi to a guy whom really was interesting and he asked me for my number…will see what happens…
And the guy at the grocery store payed for my water …a dollar but it was nice
Back home it still hurts ( this heartache really hurts) but i am moving along…
Rori: YAYYYY!!! You are off and running, yes, very proud..This is just PRACTICE, remember – scales, learning language…it doesn’t MEAN anything in terms of a specific man…just practice…it will make it easier for you to do…
I sent you a reply to him to use with all men like these…you have to get past ANY expectations…you just need a procedure for dealing with all this…strive to have NO investment about anything – just curiosity, and a pat and simple way to handle it all…
Victoria: boy i tell you its hard to do nothing when i guy that you met and clicked with doesnt call …i feel tempted to send a message saying that i enjoyed meeting him…No??
Rori: NO!!!!! Please, Victoria – there are SO MANY men out there!!! Please just do this Circular Dating thing and stop zeroing in on a man who isn’t hopping to you with interest. It just comes across as needy – you can’t disguise it….
Victoria: Yes , i guess is the fear that if i dont take action nothing will happen…or that he lost my number and all excuses…
Yes i am used to reaching out to men if they are not reaching out to me ….
Rori: Victoria – I swear to you this is a hurdle you have to get past. Do you go to church? Have you ever been to Unity, Unitarian, or Agape in Culver City, or studied A Course in Miracles? Remember the books I suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh and Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks? This is where you need to go. This is where your WORK is…
I understand completely that stopping chasing men will cause you anxiety. It’s actually so therapeutic a thing to do that your deeper, hidden emotions and traumas will surface – just as if you were in intensive therapy.
This is “behavior modification” – and it’s under your control.
If you need a therapist, or to check in with me regularly around these emotional issues as they come up – that would be great – but continuing to chase and keep the feelings down will get you nowhere.
YES – you WILL feel scared! But it’s OLD feelings, trauma reactions – not REAL.
This is only step ONE! Get this one happening, and yes, you may feel blue and scared – but you also will start to feel more POWERFUL!! Because when you stop chasing and sink into stuff and start Circular Dating – a different kind of man will approach you, and then you’re into step 2.
I know you can do this…you just have to start. The neighbor is a perfect example of Circular Dating at work.
A man shows up.
You start to chase.
You are in pain.
If you can stop this….do it:
Man shows up.
YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER MEN AND BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF –
Do this – work at this – and life will change for you.
I am so used to clients’ “resisting” doing the tools exactly the same way I resist myself doing anything for myself. It’s as though there’s an unwritten law for each of us about what we’re “not supposed” to be doing for ourselves.
We’re just not supposed to take care of ourselves.
Part of it is that if we DO take good care of ourselves – it’s as though we’re saying to the world that we don’t need a MAN to take care of us.
And so we are all somehow working at being totally independent and not needing a man at all, and yet feeling a need for a man beyond all else.
Finding that wonderful, lovely, calm place where we want, enjoy, have desire and some need for a man and touch and sex and companionship and friendship and intimacy – but not so much desperation and fear that we end up pushing it all away when it shows up.
Victoria is stuck in the place where her fear of being alone is butting heads with her fear of intimacy…and the struggle plays out every minute of every day. She is as afraid of love as she is craving it.
It’s paralyzing her.
This is where baby-steps help more than anything else – and KNOWING what baby-steps to DO!
Circular Dating is an easy set of baby-steps. But it comes with a surreal quality because it’s just not something most of us have ever, ever done before.
It feels somehow “wrong” for us to be at the center of anything – certainly not a man’s (or MANY mens’) loving attention. So to be at the center of a circle of men who all want you feels odd and weird.
This is why the baby-steps, and the paperwork of Targeting Mr. Right work – because they take your mind off fear and put it to work to HELP you – work!
Instead of your masculine, “boy” energy running things and pushing men away, you get to use the power of your “boy” to HELP you Circular Date. To keep track of things. To get you out of the house. To intellectually make the case for Circular Dating while you’re doing it.
Instead of wasting your time and mental energy trying to figure out any one man – you can use your boy’s brainpower to ask yourself the questions you need to ask –
“Is his BEHAVIOR toward me what I want?”
“Is he BEHAVING” like a man who’s into me?”
“Do I feel relaxed about it all because he’s clearly into me and allowing me to feel GOOD?”
Victoria is slowly getting past her resistance – just by putting one foot in front of the other and tolerating the discomfort and disturbance and weirdness of doing something so totally new – and in service to HERSELF, instead of in service to some MAN.
She will move faster and faster toward her goal of Happy Ever After as the Tools start to work, even though she’s resisting doing them, and momentum will gather and motivate her to keep going.
Just keep going, and let me know every step you take.