How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!

Here’s a great guest post from my friend and soon-to-be Monthly Interview Lauren Francis - I’m just posting it here exactly as she sent it (you’ll love her book, and she’s so much fun!)

How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!

by Lauren Francis

Wouldn’t it be great if your dates came with little warning stickers?

Well, you’re in luck, because they actually do. You just need to know how to spot little clues that say: “I’m unavailable,” “This is only a romp,” and “I’ll probably spill red wine on your brand new duvet.”

So, if you’re tired of your online dates deliberately mislabeling the merchandise, then those pesky three little words:

“Wants marriage: Definitely.”

…are often being taken at face value. In fact, they can often make you feel totally misled. So, before you fall under the spell of your dates gorgeous blue eyes, you’ll want to make sure that they really meant what you read! That’s why it’s so important to know how to do a little romantic fact checking, before the check comes on date one!

The following technique will save you days, weeks, and possibly years of wasted time and romantic disappointment. I call it the “Heartache Prevention Question.”

Step One: Get clear about your own romantic goals. (Do you want marriage and family, or are you just up for some fun? And own it!)

Step Two: When you meet your date for a drink, ask them the Heartache Prevention Question, “So Clark, do you still believe in The Dream?” (If he asks what The Dream is, it’s whatever your romantic goals are!)

Step Three: Smile!

Step Four: Pay close attention. Your date will start talking a blue streak, and you’ll want to listen carefully to their response. It’ll be like slipping them verbal truth serum, and they’ll easily give up highly sensitive emotional intel.

At this point, the inexperienced dater will ask me anxiously, “Won’t this just scare them away?” You’ll soon discover that it’s quite the opposite. In truth, first dates are usually the only time that you can ask such a loaded question without it totally backfiring, because you can’t take this info personally…yet.

Now, for all of you women who’ve only been privy to this type of soul-bearing honesty from men during tearful breakups, I promise that you’ll be totally stunned.

Bungling this opportunity usually only occurs when you ask men “what they’re looking for,” or give them a laundry list about what you want. This is a mistake, and will just put them on the defensive, or into serious performance mode.

But when you ask them what they “believe,” and then cheerfully go on listening to them (Why not? It’s only your problem if you continue to date him!), he won’t feel pressured to modify his answers to fit your romantic agenda. And you will be rewarded with The Truth!

When you ask them the Heartache Prevention Question, men will share exactly what they believe about marriage, their financial stability, and if they ’re adamantly opposed to the state of matrimony itself! They’ll even divulge the status of prior relationships that might impact your courtship, angry exes, and often (stupidly) confess about their current roster of out-of-town lovers as well. I am so not kidding.

TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)

Dating Like an International Spy

If you’ve followed my instructions, you might notice that your conversation has created a pleasant side effect. Your date will soon become surprisingly relaxed, and even ~gasp~ vulnerable.

Warning: Resist the urge to share your romantic war stories too, or the entire date will turn into one big therapy session. Instead, practice active listening, and just nod your head sympathetically, and say:

“Ahhhh”

“Hmmm…I get it.”

“Wow, you must be really strong to have survived that.”

“That must have been soooo difficult.”

“You seem so well adjusted. Gone to therapy for that?”

“Waiter, check please!”

But, if you discover his romantic status checks out, then you can happily bid him adieu…

…until date two!

 

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Want more Manhandling intel?  Lauren’s free tele-call will explain “The Secret Male Lemon Law Disclaimer”

Just click here:  https://laurenfrances.infusionsoft.com/go/HPT/RR1/

xoxoxox

Lauren

 

 

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732 Comments to “How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Lauren Frances

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:03am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I loved her book. She compares men to birds. I thought Rori didn’t like her style because she talks about “manhandling” and I have an interview where I was left with the impression that Rori thinks it is disrespectful.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:07am

  3. 3: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    …la la la …

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:27am

  4. 4: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When you ask them the Heartache Prevention Question, men will share exactly what they believe about marriage – She is the one who encourages asking “so why aren’t you married yet” from date one.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:32am

  5. 5: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    I find this to be very true – first dates are the best time to get the info you want – like she said, it’s your chance to ask questions before you can possibly take the answer personally!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:33am

  6. 6: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens – I don’t want to be married….

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:35am

  7. 7: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I like this! But it is obviously not for me (coming up on two years with G), not needing a ring.

    It’s funny…G and I have discussed kids more than marriage. We have talked about kids a lot in the last couple weeks.

    Most recently he made a comment about how busy his bro and sis in-law are. He said how awesome it would gbe to be busy all the time like that. I said:

    “well…they’re busy cuz they have a couple of kids!”

    He said:

    “Yup.”

    What does that mean?!?! lol How do I get a read on this stuff without full on charging forward?

    “What the hell do you mean by that??? You wanna knock me up or what?”

    :p

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:36am

  8. 8: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso – I shouldnt be encouraging you But GH (GM?) soubds Hawt!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:37am

  9. 9: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Heart

    Welcome to the club!

    Admission will cost you one ring, but you do not have to guve up a lifetime of love.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:37am

  10. 10: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I want a committed long term relationship …but don’t know if I want to be married…what do u all think? Is that fear of intimacy?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:38am

  11. 11: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Nice article! Glad I happened on this one this morning. Great way to start the week :-)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:39am

  12. 12: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    FW – From previous post. I think you are absolutely right. He thinks he has me now – no need to rouse himself to walk me out the door. We were supposed to take my youngest soin and one of his friends shooting on saturday, but JC backed out because it was supposed to rain, even though i expressed how important it was to me – my son is leaving next weekend to go to Boot Camp.

    JC said we would figure out how to work it in later, but I doubt we will. He asked me if I wanted to get together later, but he didn’t make deffinate plans. he then called me a couple of hours later and asked if I “Still wanted to come over . . .” My radar went off . . . I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he had no idea…. sure . . . he wanted to get naked –

    We agreed that he would call me when he was done helping his mom, but I texted him an hour later and told him I was feeling overwhelmed with getting my oldest son ready to get on a plane for a work trip the next morning adn having our last family meal with all 3 of my sons together. He responded with “ok” . . .

    Whatever

    I need to ramp up my degree of difficulty. I knew it was too soon to sleep with JC, but I did it for me – I did it to keep me from running back to GM every chance I get. I am not looking for marriage right now. I’m looking for a playmate and someone to help me stop chasing GM. Still – JC is going to have to step up his game. He asked me to lunch tomorrow – we will see how that goes – it better not be at his house – lol

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:40am

  13. 13: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #7 – Miss Stix – maybe he does…
    Marriage sounds so stiffling…Ic

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:40am

  14. 14: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    @Heart – not necessarily. A lot of people decide that they want to stay with their partners without going through the process of “getting married.” Commitment can be totally separate from marriage. Marriage is one way to publicly announce a commitment. But it’s not the only way. And if you are committed to each other, some people don’t need that “public” element. They just go for it. And from what I’ve seen, those can be some of the most solid relationships out there….

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:43am

  15. 15: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso it might be the sons that’s his issue. Your talking about them might have him unconsciously wondering if he wants to be anybody’s daddy. I like what you said about plaything though so if I were you he would have to come to my house. Going to him is making things too easy for him. Though with the boys I can appreciate why it might be more convenient.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:46am

  16. 16: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Heart you get to choose what you want

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:47am

  17. 17: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #14 – Tereana – thanks for writing that
    Thanks Miss Stix as well.

    I feel so good to write that….wow…I’m a little teary eyed right now.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:48am

  18. 18: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, well, here is my typically long comment/update. Get ready for it! : )

    Things have been going pretty well with trial-bf. he is reeeeally into the relationship thing. It’s good, but in a way, it almost makes me wish it was a little bit less. Lol. And even though you could say there are some “fem” qualities there, he is definitely a guy. He likes to give me things. He likes to plan. He likes to drive. He likes to fix. He’s a guy.

    This past weekend, we were driving and stopped in a cute town for dinner. He did a u-turn right into a parking spot, and I said, “Nice turn!” He responded with: “I’m a maaaaan.” Lol. It made me laugh :-D

    Still not sure about everything, partly because I’m not sure about the way he kisses. Not sure where to go with this or what to say. I haven’t wanted to say anything yet, because it’s so soon, and any comment about the way a guy “is” can really get personal for them, where they feel that you don’t like “them.” Whereas I just don’t always like his kissing style. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

    Oh, and he wished me a happy week-iversary. I thought that was cute, and I just laughed. He says he hopes he can wish me a happy one month, and more. and I am just keeping my eyes open to see how it goes….

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:52am

  19. 19: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Awww, Heart. That’s great! It always feels good to express your truth <3

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:53am

  20. 20: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Heart

    I don’t know your reasons, so I couldn’t say if it is fear, or just a decision you made.

    I struggled with this recently…I feared I did not want to get married out of fear. I thought I SHOULD want to get married, and I HAD to work through the fear to get there. However, when I finally realized there was nothing to fear I still didn’t have any desire to have a wedding or be married.

    I did figure out that I COULD get married if it was important to the man I love. I just don’t need to…

    Do some soul searching and be 100% honest with yourself. You will find your answers.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:54am

  21. 21: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    So, okay, my comment wasn’t *that* long. I’m breaking it into two parts. Here’s part two:

    Part two is about Vman. Like I said, he’s been texting me like crazy since about 2 months ago. (almost 3 thousand texts since July!) And it got to be more and more, before and during a trip he just took out of town to go see a friend’s wedding. The texts have gotten very sexual at times, but I always back off when it gets to feel too much for me, and he respects that.

    Last week, I was on my way to work, and feeling stressed about it. He sensed it and asked if there was anything he could do. I told him, and he came back with the most amazing comment to cheer me up. It really made me happy. In fact, it made the whole rest of my day better. It was awesome. :- ) and later I told him so, and he said he felt “honored.”

    Well, I know that I said I wasn’t going to go on actual dates while “trial dating” this guy (who is very cute and sweet, by the way, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt him, or get in the way of a good relationship – if it is a good relationship. Plus, he’s teaching me his home language, which is fun : ). BUT, Vman said he wanted to see me. He asked when I was free, and we made plans to have dinner last night. He picked me up from work, and it all felt very natural and easy.

    Later, he dropped me off at home, and came in and chatted for a bit. He just seemed to be enjoying talking to me, but he was really good about not making a move on me at all. I did tell him that I’ve been seeing this other guy, so he knows.

    Well, early this morning, I woke up, and was thinking about how friendly it all felt. It seemed to me that there was less “chemistry” – less “spark.” Like it wasn’t really a “relationship” thing. Just a nice, dorky guy who likes talking to me. But then I went back to sleep and I had this very sexy dream about him.

    whoa!

    So I don’t know what that means.

    My best assessment is that anything with Vman is just about sex. He had a chance to prove to me before that he was the guy for me. And he admitted to me last night that he got “scared” because of past experiences. But it really doesn’t matter the reason. He left me when I needed him the most to stay. And he didn’t. If he was an idiot and let me go, that’s not my problem.

    This guy that I am “seeing” right now – trial-bf – he didn’t make that choice. He saw me in a bad mood, and he decided to stay with me anyway (after only knowing me for a few days!!) He’s paid attention to what I’ve told him about my needs, and he’s responded to them. He is really doing his best to take good care of me. And he is very clear that it is not about sex, and he is not pushing for that (even though he talks about it, and I know that he is interested. But that’s different from “pushing.”)

    So, as a compare and contrast sort of thing, I can clearly see how there is still a lot of “chemistry” and attraction between me and Vman. But that doesn’t mean you can build a relationship on that. On the other hand, Vman has intimated about other levels of interest – maybe even beyond sex. But I think he’s a bit guarded about that, or something.

    Anyway, we’ll see.

    I am not married to anyone yet. As Rori says, we not “committed” until we get “the ring” (if the ring is what we want, obviously). Or, we’re not committed until we’re committed, and he gets to commit first.

    It’s amazing how committed TBF is. And it feels very natural. It might prove to be too much. But we’ll see. I think it’s scary for me. But I am just letting myself go with what feels good. And try to keep believing in myself. He really does seem to support me. And I know I need someone like that. He might just prove to be the perfect guy for me, even though I still barely know him. But he is so eager to share himself with me that it’s amazing.

    Okay, I am going to stop gushing about it all now.

    I just wanted to share some of this with you all, and reassure you that I am not jumping into anything with both feet. I want to stay realistic, and know that there are many good guys out there, and many good options for me. And ultimately, the goal is to end up with whatever is best FOR ME. I believe that that is possible, and I believe that it will be the case.

    I feel very loved and taken care of :-) Hooray!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:12am

  22. 22: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I actually don’t like this article.

    I believe that plenty of men think they’ll never want to marry or just don’t care too much about it or think they’re not ready for it, and then they meet the right girl and it all changes.

    And actually, I feel a little uneasy about guys who are marriage-minded. Because you can fall into their trap of “good enough” and not “she’s the one,” as they’re so determined to settle down.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:36am

  23. 23: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    22 continued —

    I think this is why circular dating is so important. But if you’re a serial monogamist, then yeah, you should probably ask these questions.

    Otherwise you can just spend time together and see where it goes.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:38am

  24. 24: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #20 – Thanks Miss Stix

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:38am

  25. 25: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Heart – GM is so freaking Hot it kills me . . . 6’6″, all lean muscle and now this tatoo on his back – I’m not usually into tatoos, but on him it looks sooooo good. He makes me whimper . . . lol

    FW – my sons are all grown – 18, 20 and 22. I don’t need a daddy for them, but he offered to take us shooting and my 18 year old was thrilled – now it won’t happen because of a chance of rain that never even happened. There is only one weekend left before he goes away for 3 months of bootcamp.

    JC has been to my house, but I’m not going to have sex with him there until we have been in a relationship for a long time. My sons won’t be shocked to have a man stay over, but I’m not going to rub it in their face or do it too soon. GM is the only one who ever stayed and even he always made it a point to leave before the boys got up.

    I’m just going to lean back and when JC wants to do something fun or nice for me, I’ll be happy to participate – sex at his house can be part of it, but not everything. meanwhile, maybe GM will step up or maybe I will slowly start to heal without him. I am so darn proud of myself for not taking the texting between us too far – i wanted to ask him when i could run my hands down his back and feel that new tatoo . . . whew! I was good . . .

    GM’s first text to me was to ask how many tatoos someone can have before they are considered tacky. I said it depended on the someone and asked how many he had now – he said “more than 2″

    After he sent me the pics and I stopped drooling . . . I told him he looked more “Bada$$” than “Tacky” and he said, “Thanks” and I let it go at that. I was busy cooking dinner for the boys (last one as a family for 3 months), so it was easy to not keep going, but yesterday was torture – I wanted to see him so bad. Sunday evenings I sometimes drive to his town and we go have drinks at a bar where our friends hang out – i could have invited myself and teased him about wanting to touch the tatoo, but i didn’t. yet . . .

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:46am

  26. 26: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    wow, must try

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:54am

  27. 27: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

    For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

    It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

    Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

    For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)”

    Absolutely. I now always listen to how they describe their last girlfriend wife. This is where they are at!!!!!!!
    And remember Rori telling me to get my energy away from any man that called his ex or any woman a Bitch.

    ARE YOU LISTENING GIRLS?
    My radar is now well and truly switched on.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:59am

  28. 28: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lauren authored Dating, Mating, and Manhandling – The Ornithological Guide to Men (Crown 2006).

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:00am

  29. 29: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

    For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

    It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

    Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

    For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)”

    Absolutely. I now always listen to how they describe their last girlfriend wife. This is where they are at!!!!!!!
    And remember Rori telling me to get my energy away from any man that called his ex or any woman a B888ch. RUNNNNNN Or any other judgmental or derogatory language.

    ARE YOU LISTENING GIRLS?
    My radar is now well and truly switched on.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:04am

  30. 30: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I am making a new promise to myself and writing it down often helps me stick to it.

    I feel a happy, eager, anxious buzz in my upper belly :)

    I have fallen off track a bit with my photography practice. I have forgotten some of what I learned when I dove in deep a few months ago. I am promising myself to do a project that will last to the end of this year.

    I am calling it “One a day”.

    I will start a blog, and I will have one worthy shot to post every day. I will post 7 shots every sunday of differing techniques and I will write a little about how I achieved each exposure, and how I was feeling the day I took it.

    I have 3 specific classes I want to take at Emily Carr. When those classes conclude I will begin to build my professional portfolio by doing free shoots. Once I have a substantial portfolio (aim- jan 2014) I will begin to build my website and start doing professional freelance location work. When I have made enough money doing location work (aim- jan 2016) I will open my studio. By then I hope to be fully immeresed in working solely as a photographer. I will continue working on location but I will also have my studio to do portraiture, and use as my office. Once I am established and have collected the right equipment I also have an idea where I can print, and even do post processing of photos for amateurs.

    I am stoked to take action. I feel energetically excited and I will post a link once I have my blog up and running :D

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:05am

  31. 31: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Yikes, I feel so gross around men who refer to their exes as psychos or anything derogatory before I know them very well.. I just think “hmm well you attracted/picked her…”

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:11am

  32. 32: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    I need to talk to my cuz about this because she makes these incredible books with pictures. She does it as a hobby using vacations as the subject matter but I know this has endless possibilities! Hers are like no other I have ever seen, and I know it could be a huge hit!

    People can bring in their photos from vacation/childbirth/graduation…Whatever! I can process the photos to make them look professional, she can put the book together and together we could make a gorgeous keepsake for people. Hiring a pro photog not necessary :)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:14am

  33. 33: Memulo says:

    He texted that he fell asleep once he got home and took care if eveythibg. He says he thought I already ate. I am not responding to this

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:20am

  34. 34: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hey ladies, I have a question and could use your advice

    WarriorCD is going on a striiict diet, and he makes a lot of comments throughout the day via text/chat about how rough it is. What is the best way to be supportive of him (verbally) as a feminine creature?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:29am

  35. 35: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Amateur photography is really big right now with cameras so available to everyone and many phones having decent cameras…seems to be less want for purchasing professional photography…and/or the prices are expected to be very inexpensive….

    One a day photo blogs are fun and a great challenge to be photographing daily…Keeping the creative juices moving.

    I would love to see your blog Miss Styx when you get it up!!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:29am

  36. 36: SunflowerNo Gravatar says:

    back from a lovely date, feeling all smiley, and wondering if he is “the one”.:). We will see. ..

    Said he wants to build a realtionship with friendship as a foundation…hmm…maybe I want to try that, a switch from being too chemistry focussed…;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:32am

  37. 37: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo:

    I would think an honest feeling message would be quite appropriate rather than game playing…

    Aw, that feels bad to me that you thought I had already eaten.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:32am

  38. 38: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, Starla-Agreed!

    However, context is everything…

    G called his ex “a bit of a d0uche” once. But it did not bother me at all. He had just finished explaining to me a traumatic event in their 5 year relationship. He explained it calmly, and fairly.

    At a party at their house he lost track of her because he was DJing the party. So he went to look for her and found her outside coming out of the bushes doing up her pants. She said the bathroom was occupied so she was taking a pee and she kind of grabbed him and started to pull him to go back inside, but she wasn’t quick enough and a few seconds later out of the same bushes came a guy. A guy he knew she had sex with before they met. So when he asked “what the f@ck is going on?” she started to cry. He told her to stop crying and tell him (again) “What the f@ck is going on?”. She told him he was being abusive…I’m certain he was yelling…and refused to talk to him.

    After he concluded the story he said with the wave of his hand “Ahh whatever. She was a bit of a d0uche.”

    Considering the story he told it didn’t bother me that he said that. He has never said anything else along those lines when discussing her. They actually stayed together for a while after that, then broke up, then got back together, then he almost married her in order to keep her (she was going to leave if he didn’t propose) but he found he still hadn’t gained back the trust he needed so they broke up for good.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:33am

  39. 39: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, Let me rephrase that:

    I would think an honest feeling message would be quite appropriate rather than ignoring his message, which may come across feeling like game playing.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:34am

  40. 40: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    interesting read….read it a long time ago n just read it again…

    http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/07/erikas-why-i-dont-like-condoms-speech.html

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:45am

  41. 41: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright

    Thanks! For the encouragement :) I am going into this with a firm understanding of the ease of being an amateur photographer these days. I hope to work that into my business plan in different ways. Luckily pro photography is booming in my city. Having those creative and artistic shots are all the rage! It hits me as a bit of a competition…Everyone wants the best wedding photos and maternity/baby portraits. It’s to the point where people will shell out big money to the right photographer.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:45am

  42. 42: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo/Starbright – Did he ask a question? Why would it be gameplaying to not respond? He seemed to be sharing a fact and I really see no “need” to respond.

    Memulo I wonder why he thought you ate? Did you tell him you were waiting for him to take you to dinner?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:51am

  43. 43: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @33 Starla – try something like,

    “aww, bummer. I understand how hard it is to control your food intake. you are a beast and so strong for doing that! I feel so proud of you for taking care of yourself. I feel really good being with someone so healthy. I feel inspired. I know you can do it. You’re doing great. I believe in you.”

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:53am

  44. 44: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    MissStix,

    Oh, sounds great! Just curious…if you could give some clue as to the area where the pro photo biz is booming?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:54am

  45. 45: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    The story of G and his ex tells me one thing:

    Even if he caught me with my pants down in the bushes with another guy he would still, at the very least, consider marrying me to keep me around. lmao :p Considering i’ve never done anything like that, and he holds me in very high regard, he would agree to marry me today if not doing so meant losing me. i’d bet my life on it. That tool of rori’s is powerful. Don’t underestimate it!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:54am

  46. 46: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I thought they had plans for dinner and he went to take care of a few things first…Memulo?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:56am

  47. 47: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    MissStyx, Which tool are you referring to?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:58am

  48. 48: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    GM’s ex wife cheated on him with their kids basketball coach, then tricked him into paying off their home with money he inherited when his parents died so she could get half the value of the house when she left him. She talks bad abouthim to their kids and spit in hs face in front of them . . .

    He does not have anything nice to say about her – he calls he a wh0re :/ I do know this should have been a signal to me that he was not healed or ready for a relationship. Truth is, I did not need a signal – he told me fairly soon after we started dating that he was a mess and I should run . . . i just didn’t want to – still don’t.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:02am

  49. 49: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright

    Vancouver BC. Keep in mind I have not done any official research. Going by the fact that every single person I know has hired a pro at least once. Most of them have their wedding/maternity/baby all done by pros posted on FB. It’s like a fad. That’s why I say that. And when I was looking for my own pro for my wedding I was looking at paying minimum $1500 for the lesser packages. Add to that the numerous magazine/film/ad campaign shoots that happen here I figure I should be able to do just fine. Maybe at some point I could work on these shoots.

    My gf is a make-up artist and she does, at the very least, 1 magazine/ ad shoot a week. Plus multiple weddings on weekends. She has never attended a wedding that did not have a pro on hand. She even posts comments on her business page “Looking for a last minute photographer” all the time. She is booked through the end of this year.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:06am

  50. 50: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    37: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo:

    “I would think an honest feeling message would be quite appropriate rather than game playing…

    Aw, that feels bad to me that you thought I had already eaten.”

    MMMM I’m sure Memulo doesn’t feel bad that he thought that.

    She feels bad that he didn’t contact her and stood her up..
    She doesn’t want to be stood up and not contacted.

    And good man would be bending over backwards make up for letting her down
    And we all now this.

    You know it, Memulo knows and I know it.

    What are your feelings Memulo and what would your authentic feeling speech and wants and don’t wants be around this.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:07am

  51. 51: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    43 lamabutterfly

    wow thanks lady
    those are great suggestions!
    i am going to use some of those (starla-style).

    thank you for the gorgeous inspiration!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:08am

  52. 52: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    MissStyx,

    Thanks for the info. Sounds like you are in a good area and already have a friend who is involved in a related business. Great! Best of luck to you!!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:09am

  53. 53: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    42: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo/Starbright – Did he ask a question? Why would it be gameplaying to not respond? He seemed to be sharing a fact and I really see no “need” to respond.

    Memulo I wonder why he thought you ate? Did you tell him you were waiting for him to take you to dinner?

    True, FW there is nothing to respond to at the moment, unless she wants to voice her feelings and wants and don’t wants around what has happened.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:10am

  54. 54: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my lover has reappeared on the site we met right now and is liking and flirting with me on my statuses hehe oh yeah i called him No name CD

    soooo he might not be ‘the one’ as i feel a lil wall up that we talked aobut kids and he wants a boy to be ‘like him’

    which i understand that i used to want that, but now i want to the kids to be like themselves…

    so i feel scared to bring that in from a man

    sooooo he might not be ‘the one’ but he’s a great lover for now and i feel smily

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:11am

  55. 55: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Seriously, if he did arrange to take her for dinner and then fell asleep.
    As soon as he woke up woudn’t he be like oh shit I better ring and apologies etc and then make it up to her?

    What do you think a good man would do?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:12am

  56. 56: Memulo says:

    Starbright, FW,

    Thank you for your responses. Yes, the plan was to take me to dinner, he asked if I prefer to get something quick on the road or sit down for dinner and I said I’d like to sit down, then he said he needs to return the car, talk to the child ( and checked with me if he can do it from my pc, but mine is not equipped). So he said he will do all that and then come to pick me up or figure out the best way to get together.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:13am

  57. 57: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright

    I don’t know the right name of the tool, but I’m talking about the one where you want marriage so you opt to not commit, and date others to get him to either step up, or not.

    I guess it’s just CDing?

    I could say to him “I don’t want to shack up forever. I want to get married. What do you think?”

    Suppose he says he’s not ready. I could then say “ok, but I feel stuck in a comitted relationship without the prospect of marriage, so I have decided to date others. I want to find someone with the same relationship goals as me.”

    according to rori he will either step up and commit, or he will get lost in the shuffle of more available and marriage oriented men.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:13am

  58. 58: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    mmm idk i feel good & warm & smile-y : ))

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:20am

  59. 59: ImogenNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon, I love that. Thanks for sharing.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:22am

  60. 60: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    MissStyx,

    Thanks for clarifying! Yes, I think it is very powerful – to be cding! And, so helps to keep the focus off of one man for us and at the same time motivates a man who is into us to step up!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:22am

  61. 61: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    JC just texted “TOU” (Thinking of you) . . . I looked at my phone with narrowed eyes . . . like I was daring it to tell me anything nice about JC right now – lol.

    Between him not getting his lazy butt out of bed to walk me out and that pic of GM’s muscular back leading to his tapered hips . . . oh Lord . . . I’m all twitchy and it isn’t because JC is Thinking of me ~

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:24am

  62. 62: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo when that happened to a guy I dated he said he did not wake up till 2 a.m. Then he said he debated with himself about calling the next day but decided not to because he was so scared of the backlash. He decided not to text and not to call. He prefered to disappear. I called to see what happened and he told me this. My response “life happens”. I was invested in the relationship but decided to let him go. He keeps telling me he misses me.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:26am

  63. 63: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Imogen ure very welcome

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:38am

  64. 64: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @51 Starla – :)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:43am

  65. 65: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Heart and others who do not want to get married. This is NOT necessarily a fear of intimacy. I didn’t want to get married, or rather I felt ambivalent about it, had done it unsuccessfully twice before. K was more against it than I. So that we did marry after ten years was a surprise to me. It was more about making things easier legally.

    It was a simple, short, private ceremony which only was at all because it’s required by law in this state. We went and had a lovely dinner out after, just us two.

    So it’s okay if you don’t want to.

    xxoo

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:44am

  66. 66: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “It was a simple, short, private ceremony*”

    *with awesome shoes

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:52am

  67. 67: Memulo says:

    He also said that he installed the app on his cell, so next time he can talk to the child over the phone.

    Thank you for sharing FW, I see where you were coming from!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:54am

  68. 68: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Smile from previous thread,he has just sent me a one-liner ‘when are you expected to be here?’..which is now the third time he has asked me….
    two weeks ago I said in a month.
    I just wrote an email and – forest siren I saw your post after – just used ot to go on about me and how I was sitting in the garden with lovely green nature and herons and ducks flying by…but I also said that I was feeling anxious which is the truth.
    I feel happy that I expressed myself, the rest is not up to me.
    I feel at peace now.
    aaah!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:07am

  69. 69: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i just eliminated… using my super power formula … the belief that not wanting to get married MUST BE a fear of intimacy.. yay!

    feels more peaceful and less triggering this way

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:08am

  70. 70: TamNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow, he answered me straigh back about his business and that he still has the boats..yay!!
    And that he would help me whatever I need..oooh that is so sweet! :)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:13am

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    4. Now – THE MOMENT HE MOVES TOWARD YOU…

    Speaks to you, touches you, kisses you, puts his arm around you – wherever you are – notice if you stiffen up or jump to reciprocate in a strong way.

    Notice if you feel angry, if you lean your body away at that moment, or if all of a sudden your brain gets really noisy and the talk in your head gets loud.

    Notice this so you can identify your boy energy – because boy energy, when you’re with your man, is covering up your girl energy. You have to SWITCH HATS, so now…

    5. SWITCH HATS…

    Loosen your body, one bit of you at a time – shoulders first – so your girl energy gets a chance to breathe and shine through.

    Breathe into the parts of your body that feel stiff to you.

    Now focus down into exactly what’s in front of you – what you’re touching, what you’re standing on, how his arm feels, what you smell and hear in the room.

    In that moment, you’ll FEEL SOMETHING. So, in that moment, use a Feeling Message that simply says what’s in front of you, what you’re feeling about what you’re seeing and touching – it could be as simple as “It feels so exciting in here,” or, “I’m feeling so hungry…”

    DON’T launch into a discussion about the “relationship,” or about “planning,” or the logistics of a date, or about anything right now. (There’s plenty of time for that, and you want to be more used to your girl energy and the words and body language that go with it first.) Then…

    6. Something different will happen…

    In the moment you use a genuine Feeling Message, so you FEEL more of your feelings and your body isn’t so rigid, HE WILL DO SOMETHING!

    He’ll look at you.

    He’ll hold you tighter.

    He’ll reach for you in bed and stroke your face or your body.

    He’ll SPEAK.

    Something will happen, and you’ll feel a shift in HIS energy. It will happen because you will have gone into girl energy in that moment, and HE FELT IT, and it instantly made HIM shift into BOY energy.

    In that moment, you will have changed the entire dynamic of your relationship. You will have allowed your girl energy to connect with his boy energy.

    7. Keep The Moments Going…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:24am

  72. 72: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Here you all are…!

    Thanks for the heads up tam!

    MrP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hmmm… I wonder what you think to saying that you still have too many feelings to be in touch with him when you get to Florida…. know that script???

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:28am

  73. 73: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    I like this topic waaaaay better than the last one! :-)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:28am

  74. 74: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ooo FW 71- i feel so proud of myself for being able to shift into my girl energy to receive the kiss the other night. This is growth for me. Yey!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:31am

  75. 75: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Forest siren from previous thread 1212

    I am wonderful!

    He he, feels good to compliment my self!

    It doesn’t feel natural at first but… It’s all about me!

    (((me)))

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:35am

  76. 76: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    evening

    I feel so sad reading about Flowerchild and her son
    And I feel angry too
    Why is life so unfair

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:54am

  77. 77: amberNo Gravatar says:

    Well, im slowly mentally letting go of him. He texted me today n asked if i was ok. I said i felt down n still hurt. That i was working on me and if he really values me, he will do the work, cuz i dont have the time or energy right now. He got pissy n said if i dont dedicate to him, he wont dedicate to me. I was like, whoa. I said my role has changed, im not his gf n he has new one. As a friend i cant take care or him like a gf becuz thats not who i am. If he wants to talk, he has to talk to me, im not chasing him anymore, becuz all it does is hurt me. He got mad n sent, ttyl. ? I basically said if he wants me, hell work for me, not me him. Its on him now. Im angry today, but watever. I got shtuff to do….

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:56am

  78. 78: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ruth! I went interval training tonight! I feel full of energy!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:00pm

  79. 79: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Eek… I got a viewing on my house!

    I feel excited! But I may feel a little bit Rushed if it happens to quick. I’ll try describe my home using feeling messages. I hope she likes it so I can scoot on out of here and to a town full of men!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:02pm

  80. 80: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Amber, these sound great boundaries! Yey for you!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:04pm

  81. 81: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile…he has sent a very lovely email. I feel much better, safer, with him now.
    He wants to see me, he wants to do our favourite activity, boating, and he has kept his promise of not selling the boats till I get there.
    He is still planning to move to Europe :(
    But he has asked me to help with my opinion and he has told me that he will help me get to the US, whatever that means.
    I have no expectations but I feel happy that he is looking forward to seeing me and is tentatively ‘booking’ me.
    It can all turn to nothing so I am not getting excited – but I do feel happy that he is planning for when I get there.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:07pm

  82. 82: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, so I have to stay realistic. It doesn’t matter if I had a super erotic dream about vman after seeing him. I still know it is only about sex. It is only chemistry. And you need chemistry in a relationship. But it’s not the only ingredient. Trial-bf is still the better bet, in my mind. He’s showing up all that be can, and really dedicating himself to creating a relationship – not just talking sex and wanting to get into bed right away. Though we do talk about sex, and how we feel about it.

    I’m a little nervous that I won’t like sex with him. I *know* that I’d like sex with vman. That much is clear. I’ve been close enough to know how good it would feel. But again, you can’t base a relationship only on that….

    Whew. Deeep

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:07pm

  83. 83: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Amber

    you have made a fabulous start in setting your boundaries!

    Sile, ooh, i dont do intervals, parkrun is my only “speedwork”.had a helish marathon at the weeekdn, well, actually i stopped at 13 miles.hardly EVER do that, but i a carrying a hamstring niggle

    Tam-ooh,all this feels intriguing

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:10pm

  84. 84: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana, the sex thing is powerful isnt it

    You seem to have it sorted though

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:11pm

  85. 85: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    RUTH! 5k parkrun would feel like a marathon to me lol, I love it that you call this speedwork!!

    I feel giggly!

    I only did 1 min sprint 1 min fast walk for 20 mins. We’ve got a running club at work for 2 days now. We run in the local area by the river.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:15pm

  86. 86: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I feel curious as to where you might be moving

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:19pm

  87. 87: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – 66 – :) times three.

    xxoo

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:19pm

  88. 88: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, do you know didsbury?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:22pm

  89. 89: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, it is intriguing. Trying not to have any expectations. I shall write some emails to a couple of CD’s to stay centered ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:27pm

  90. 90: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    woohoo i just signed up for another race:D

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:34pm

  91. 91: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, that feels nice. No expectations is the hardest. I feel confident though that you will continue to make your own hapiness and be in the moment.

    I will miss you when you go to Florida times.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:37pm

  92. 92: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, if you are just starting out, literally, then its too early for speedwork really

    Run/walk is great, but build up time on feet at jogging pace, so you can talk as you run

    Really, you could do a parkrun now
    Some people walk the whole lot
    Do a big one like Heaton or bramhall

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:37pm

  93. 93: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, would you describe mrP as an elasticband man?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:38pm

  94. 94: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    He he, ruth, I always talk as I run  I could do the 5k without walking but at a slow steady pace.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:41pm

  95. 95: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    A dream interpretation would feel great!

    I dreamt I could fly, and in my dream, it was this special ability that all my friends were super impressed by.

    So I was showing everyone how to fly, and some of my friends tried it and were successful.

    I felt really happy and important in the dream.

    Then, as I was flying, I saw that one of my old flames was flying too. In real life, he just got married. The girl he married was the girl right after me.

    (sidenote: this has happened to me with EVERY SINGLE guy I’ve been “almost” involved with since I was 18. I don’t know if it’s been because of my simultaneous amazingness/fear of intimacy or because of my Christian cultures tendency to marry early, but it had made me feel “almost good enough, just not good enough.” Which let me tell you, feels lousy.)

    Anyway, I saw my old flame flying and it made me feel angry that he could do it too. I felt angry that he still wanted to be friends with me after just abandoning me and marrying another girl. (it doesn’t matter that this happened two years after we even lived in the same state.)

    Anyway, so I go from feeling blissful to angry in my flying dream, and I see old flame, and I float over to him Matrix style and I just push him away as hard as I can.

    and then I wake up.

    Thoughts?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:41pm

  96. 96: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Good move tam

    Starla, I am addicted to entering races

    It feels good!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:43pm

  97. 97: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, he is an elastic band man, though not so much when I am there…he was pretty much in touch every day when I was in Florida last, but we also live a distance away. He likes me at his place, and once he gets me there it is quite difficult to get him to drive me home….as I don’t have a car it’s a bit of an issue ;)

    Ruth and Smile, I am totally excited that we are all into running….going for my 6 miles again tomorrow :) feels soo good.
    Has been keeping me sane :)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 12:59pm

  98. 98: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    94 smile then you can do a parkrun!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:08pm

  99. 99: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    slow and steady is how to do a marathon

    :)

    Running has kept me sane too

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:09pm

  100. 100: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, does everyone have roller-skates in Florida or is this a myth? When you said you don’t have a car, I imagined you turning round to mrP after being at his and saying, it would feel good to skate home tonight.

    ((my crazy imagination))

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:09pm

  101. 101: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth Yup! Just got to get my barcode then I’m there.

    Hoping my brother will do it to but walk it. He needs exercise. He’s depressed. He can’t work due to his medical problems so it would feel good to get him into the fresh air.

    I had more energy tonight after running.
    Love the saying- energy makes energy… Does that sound right?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:13pm

  102. 102: KJNo Gravatar says:

    It’s taken me five different times to try and start writing this post.. Just not sure how to start it, because that is how confused or I’m just not sure what to think or how to handle my situation. I have Rori’s ebook and Im actually going back to re-read it again tonight. Going to try and make a real long, long story short without leaving out major details. My current relationship started almost 3 years ago, this October will actually make 3 years. I had just filed for legal separation. We are both in our 30’s., I was married for almost 13 years and he has never been married. The beginning of our relationship I fell head over hills for him, he gave me the attention, love and etc.. that I had lacked in my marriage for several years. Of course I did everything wrong in the beginning chasing him and leaning forward etc… Come to find out the whole time that I thought we were exclusive; he was actually talking and seeing someone else. Again I did everything wrong, and I called it off. He came back a few days later said that he had ended things with her and wanted to be with me. I did tell him that if he wanted to date other girl that was fine, that I would do the same. He said no that was not what he wanted. We got back together, and I thought we were great. To make this short the above went scenario went on for about a year, and I finally had a enough and I was done. Did not talk to him for about 2 weeks avoided phone calls, text messages and even running to him at work. He did text and beg for me to talk to him that he was sorry, and he was just scared of getting hurt by me. He was scarred I was going to go back to my EX, he said that had happen to him before, and that he was just messed up and he was trying to get things right and did not want to lose me. I told him that I could not make any promises that I needed to know for a fact that he called it off with her. If he did not want to do that, that was fine with me but I would not be making no commitment to him unless I knew for a fact. That afternoon on his way home from work, he called me and was crying and said that he did call her and end things with her and he was ending things with me also,, that he needed time to think.. I was beyond furious, for what he had called and told me prior to this and mad at the whole situation. I done something on this day that I will forever regret, but I told him fine that was what he wanted I was fine with it.. I wasn’t, I ended up getting a friend of mine to ride with me to his house to drop off something’s of his I had off.. I pulled up and her car was there and they pulled up together. Not to go into all the detail, I made a complete fool out of myself. The only good thing that came out of it, is that she actually found out about me. She had no idea til then… After all that horrible seen.. He was calling me that night telling me he was sorry and that he was not trying to hurt me.. I told him I was done and he needed to move on with his life, because I was going to move on with mine… ( Can you say roller coaster ride ) !!!!! Well we ended up back together after some time apart, and we had really been doing good, he has been great at showing me that he is wanting me to trust him, ( and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt with can be very hard) … We were together and I started letting him come around my kids, which I hadn’t really done in the past. We were really doing good.. Until a couple of Sundays ago we were at his parents house eating breakfast with some of his family from out of town. She (the girl that he was seeing in the beginning) shows up at his house and walks in and throws a bag of clothes at him and walks out. He did not move, so I did I walked outside and I calmly asked her what that was about. She stated that they had been talking and texting some.. and she had been asking him to come get his things she found of his while she was packing up her stuff to move.. He never came outside while we were talking… I asked her how long they had been texting and talking and what was being said, she told me that she was not there to cause trouble, but when she saw my car she knew that he had been lying to her.. He had been telling her that we were not together, that she was the one for him and that he was trying to get his life straight… etc…. So she left and told me she would call me later.. I went back inside started getting my stuff together to leave, told him that I was gone, and that I would never understand why he was the way he is… He told me that he had been avoiding her and he had not been by her to get the clothes, even though he could have..He was trying to avoid her and that the things that she said were not true… She and I tried to get him to talk to both of us at the same time and he would not, which I think back now and that was probably for the best. I have talked to her since then and he has not contacted her. I know you all are probably thinking I’m crazy, but we are together at the moment and we have talked about what happen. He has such great potential to be the person I fell in love with, we have a great time together, we have so much in common. I really care for him and love him. I guess what has me really thinking about our relationship and how I feel about it, Is the question my dad asked me yesterday.. He said KJ what the deal with you and SC are you head over heels in love with him. I couldn’t honestly answer him.. I told him that at one time I was, and I still love him and care about what happens with him. But I do not trust him at this point, and I was so close to getting back the trust this last time, and really thought that we were doing great and moving forward and then all that happen that Sunday. I just don’t know which one of them is telling the truth and I just don’t know if I can put my all back into a relationship that I keep getting burned in. I want to talk to him about how I’m feeling, just not sure how… Part of me wants to trust him and believe in him… But the other part of me is saying stop being a fool; and walk away you have done all that you can do to show him that you cared and you were not going to hurt him. & in all this I have been the one that has been hurt… I would love and really hope I get some advice back… I’m just at at lose and not sure which way I need to turn or how I need to handle the situation… I’m so sorry it is so long.. Thanks

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:16pm

  103. 103: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, haha!!! Well, many do have Rollerblades, yes, and al the gear too ;)
    Not me, I’d fall ar** over t*t….haaa!!
    So he just has to drive me, and usually gets into a huff…but it’s cute. I then have to say how I loooove it at his and how saaaad I am having to go back home. Then he cheers up ;)
    Oh the fun and games.
    Truth is I love my Condo, I can see the beach…very calming!! Always happy to be back there! Ha!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:18pm

  104. 104: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’d so have roller blades, you’d get places in half the time! Well, compared to walking.

    Were having a storm here. I can here the rain belting down. Quite a change from Sunday’s BBQ. I’m imagining a sea view right now. Actually a house with a balcony would feel great!

    Tam, how would you feel about him coming to you?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:28pm

  105. 105: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens!

    Major update.

    I had a major flood at my house and the insurance company has installed some dryers everywhere and it sounds like an airplane engine.

    Then news from M! Of course I had to tell him about the floor and he suggested me and kiddie stay at his house as friends.

    He says it’s beem really difficult for him and he’s just starting to get better but wants to help me.

    It would make it so much easier to go there. I cant cook at home and forget about homeword or sleeping!

    What do I do?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:28pm

  106. 106: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    As in to your condo…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:28pm

  107. 107: TamNo Gravatar says:

    He does occasionally, but he likes his toys and there is generally more to do at his place, it’s more of a family home and feels better there. He also has a flat next door with own entry and I can stay there, so I can have my own place with privacy…..it’s ideal actually.
    I only have a tiny studio.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:32pm

  108. 108: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Siren Angel, you’ve got to do what you have to do but I would advise not to go to his.

    I am sorry to hear about the flood!! :(

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:34pm

  109. 109: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Eek sorry your place flooded

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:36pm

  110. 110: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, I remember bout the place next door now.

    Are you going to be far from him when you go back?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:39pm

  111. 111: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Oh no SA!

    Do you have anywhere else to stay..

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:40pm

  112. 112: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, about 40 mins by car on the motorway, so yes, a little distance- and he hates driving, so a nice test to see what happens ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:45pm

  113. 113: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    He would have to do a lot of the lead in that situation I guess. Perfect opportunity fo you to use lots of feeling messages.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:59pm

  114. 114: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! Hope everyone is well. Leaving work now and will post more tonight.

    This article made me realize I really need to figure out what I want. I thought I wanted to get married, I probably do…. but I really want to travel too. Not sure I want to be tied down when my girls are grown.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 1:59pm

  115. 115: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, yep, I don’t know what will happen but last time I never initiated anything and he picked me up, made sure I was fed, watered, entertained, got me sightseeing, installed me in his perfectly clean and tidy little flat (rest of house mad) and so on….all in all I was pretty amazed. It was a total turnaround.
    So I feel curious what will happen now…could be nothing, could be everything ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:05pm

  116. 116: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – I felt a major recoil and eek at “kiddie stay at his house as friends”. I would definitely discourage this but you know best.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:05pm

  117. 117: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel,

    Oh, sounds somewhat tempting…yet the “friends” part would feel bad to me.

    And, it could be easy to get into a friends with benefits relationship without really meaning to…

    Best wishes in your decision.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:11pm

  118. 118: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I am feeling excited for you
    Smile, yes indeed Energy begets energy!
    I feel so happy to hear about your brother possibly doing parkrun
    it is such a wonderful concept and I love it

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:15pm

  119. 119: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel – Yikes! I am so sorry about your flooding . . . but would hate to see you slide backward by staying at his house “as friends” . . . it was nice of him to ask, but you did tell him about your situation, so any decent man would have offered to help. It might shock him to know you are valuing yourself enough not to put yourself in that situation – even if it is a hardship on you.

    What do you think?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:16pm

  120. 120: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel I am feeling anxious about your situation

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:26pm

  121. 121: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens!!!

    I made arrangements for kiddie to stay at his dads for 4 days and called back M. He Insists I stay at his place…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:32pm

  122. 122: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Gosh Siren Angel, so sorry to hear about your flooding.

    I feel in agreement with the others especially re ‘friends’
    If you take him up on the offer he will think friendship is on.

    Do you really think it is your higher long-term good?

    Hugs.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:33pm

  123. 123: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Are you ready to be his ‘friend’?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:36pm

  124. 124: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    121 SA

    wont it be very hard to lean back in that situation?

    what will you do

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:36pm

  125. 125: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((siren angel)))

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:39pm

  126. 126: Memulo says:

    SA, so sorry about your situation. I think that M needs a major push:) which you will be effectively giving him by refusing his offer!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 2:41pm

  127. 127: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I have a feeling about this… He was practically begging me to come over. I said i would find another solution and he said ‘no no no’

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:00pm

  128. 128: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    SA – I think you know deep down what the right thing to do to protect your heart is.

    I hope everything dries quickly!

    xxxx

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:10pm

  129. 129: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Siren angel. I have a slightly different take on things. To me this is one of those crazy situations occurring that is an opportunity for you to say what you want. Oh it would feel so good to be looked after by you in this situation but I’m not comfortable with x y and z ….. Dont drop the bar it will be so hard to raise it afterwards. Also it’s good he is having a hard time with all this that’s what you want dont dilute it!

    Also how did he hear about this?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:32pm

  130. 130: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooh tam! Mr p is stepping up!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:33pm

  131. 131: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He called and of course I told him. What if the Universe is making this happen? A friend of mine into more holistic things says water represents emotions… What if I tell him (if he comes on to me) it would feel so good but i dont want to sleep with you as friends? His intention is either friendly putting me in another room or he is using this to get back or he knows he will try to sleep with me.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:37pm

  132. 132: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Kiddie is now at his dads and the noise in my house is deafening… I really dont know what to do… Am i really am tempted, but not to go sleep with him or try to make up. What if I lean completely back while there?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:41pm

  133. 133: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    SA. What would you advise a friend if she were in this sane situation?

    xxx

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:48pm

  134. 134: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    So why did he call in the first place? Water does reprent emotions! This reminds me of the random thing that happened to me (a car crash) ….he knows you have lots of friends you can stay with? Maybe let him rescue you but lean back and listen to him and stick to your line about whT you need. when he called was he suggesting anything before you told him about flood?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:48pm

  135. 135: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    BW! To NOT sleep with him.

    After our 1st breakup last summer, we actually went on vacation together because already planned (pre-Rori) and got back together. I got modern siren 1 week before vacation and listened all the time and majorly leaned back on vacation.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:53pm

  136. 136: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Woo! Catching up on everything.

    SA,

    The flooding sounds horrible but staying at a gf’s house sounds like a better idea or a hotel.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:54pm

  137. 137: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Forest Siren,
    He called to see how I was. Told me it’s been really harf for him and that he’s sad but feeling a little bit better. I told him I felt sad too and the flood and he could hear the noise in my house…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 3:55pm

  138. 138: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    I live an hour away from the big city and friends where I could possibly stay. Ofherwise, i would stay home and put up with the noise. The flooding does stress me out so I would need to relax, do yoga, before I go over there for sure.

    Is going there accepting his invitation leaning forward if i lean back while there? Wouldnt e be put off if i refuse his help?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:03pm

  139. 139: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmmm tricky. You already have the precedent for breaking up but kindof staying together and then getting back together.

    Sounds to me like you are going over there;) so rockstar it. And write your speech now. What do you want? Do you want marriage? M is in pain right now and wants you to ease that pain but no commitment. So based on the last breakup and get back together wht would you do differently cos here is your do over courtesy of a convenient flood arranged by the universe!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:09pm

  140. 140: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    If you accept his help it is as a friend and he then thinks you are accepting friendship.

    Is that what you want?

    The deal he is offering is friendship.
    If you want to accept friendship then you have your answer.
    If you don’t then you have your answer.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:10pm

  141. 141: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    If you have your speech and you are invested and hoping on a certain outcome he will pick up that vibe.

    If you really are whatever and mean it he will pick this up.
    This is the place you have to be at.
    Are you at that place?
    That’s the only place to rockstar it, you can’t fake it.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:13pm

  142. 142: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Forest Siren.

    It is very tricky.. 3rd breakup in 1.5 years and 1 vacation as friends where we came back together.

    Ideas for speech?

    I feel so good being taken care of like this.

    If he comes on to me:
    I feel so good in your arms but it would not feel good to do this as friends. I value my feminity and body too much.
    I feel so relieved to be here in this calm.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:13pm

  143. 143: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Oh it’s so easy to give advice! So much harder to work out what to do in my own situation.

    Siren angel one other thing just for me I would not allow being ‘put in the spare room’. No way. I would not want to be seen as friend in spare room or start that as a pattern. That’s just me so I would either stay at home in my own comfy bed even if noisy or accept that if I go over there I am most likely going to be in his bed. Sleeping in the spare kids room feels yucky to me ….. But hey I’m in no position to be giving any kindof advice here ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:18pm

  144. 144: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    You could call him and say oh I feel so stressed it would feel so good if you would get me some ear plugs and a nice takeaway and bring them here I feel uncertain about going to yours. ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:21pm

  145. 145: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I feel disconnected from the blog; maybe it is just me, but I feel what I feel.

    I do not like to be “call out” when I express my anger and frustration over a CD, I am not trying to control that particular CD, but I care about myself and I want to protect mYself, so when someone disrespects me, I feel angry. OK next!

    I done with Dw for now, he is who he is and I don’t want who he is or what he is… I made a list on app in my I-phone and every time I see a man with a quality I like a write it down..

    I am making this post another step to express my feelings.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:49pm

  146. 146: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Oh.. He just texted ‘did you eat? Should i get you something?’

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 4:54pm

  147. 147: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Things are getting cozier with HS. Three great weekends in a row.
    I am in my place 20 miles away during the week and with him on weekends.
    This weekend I had a conference in the city that went from 9 to 5 Friday through Sunday with an hour+ commute on each end.
    So I just went to my place last night, but Saturday I went to his/ours.
    This weekend he started kissing me goodnight in the hallway between the rooms.
    He implied that we should share his room one of these nights.
    I am thinking of my script, something like this:
    “I really miss the touching, the intimacy, and the s-x. It would feel really good to snuggle up to you.
    But–I am not into casual s-x at all and I don’t want to have the door shut on me again in a couple of days or weeks-that would just feel too awful… So if we are going to sleep together I want it to be special. What do you think?”

    So-how does that sound?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 5:14pm

  148. 148: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel–it sounds like he is really trying to be the man here. I agree that you are in a position to say anything you want, and to make any boundaries you want.
    I stay in my old room when I am up at HS’s house because we are still in the process of working out our deal. There is no one else since the 5 week situation with poor little what’s her name, and I know he is really interested in me.
    But I won’t move back in without a ring. Being the fake housemate again is out of the question.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 5:34pm

  149. 149: Lily MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly,

    This is a powerful dream for you. I’d like to know more about it before I say “this is what I think it means,” but right now I’ll share what stands out to me with the information I have.

    First, I’m curious to know what time you had the dream. Research suggests that dreams in the beginning of sleep tend to include more negative emotions, while dreams closer to the end of sleep (i.e. toward morning) tend to feel more positive. This may be because dreaming is one way our minds make sense of stressors we encounter while awake. As the night glides by, our subconscious minds reach deeper for solutions to complex problems. Flying dreams are quite common, usually occur late in the sleep cycle, and tend to involve a sense of euphoria. When I have a flying dream, I consider it an indicator that my life is going in a positive direction and I’m feeling powerful in general. (I still feel disappointed when I wake up though.) But what intrigues me about this particular dream is how your feelings of euphoria were sort of eclipsed by the rage you felt upon discovering that your ex was flying too.

    I think your angry feelings in the dream, plus the act of pushing your ex away, carry the strongest message for you. If not for those elements, this would just be another euphoric flying dream. I wouldn’t normally interpret the flying as a representation of successful relationships, but the specific appearance of that ex in that situation (and the fact that you felt inclined to write about it on this blog) leads me to wonder if that is, in fact, a useful interpretation. Within the context of everything you’ve learned from Rori Raye and the community here, could your flying represent your new power to experience a successful committed relationship? Having watched your journey for several months, I can say that I have certainly seen you grow and develop that skill and I know you are much stronger now than you used to be. You may not realize it but you are very very close.

    Intuitively I doubt that you are still hung up on this specific guy. I’m wondering if you feel threatened by his ability (in your perception) to marry and have a committed relationship. The lovers who abandoned you only to marry someone else were ready for relationship. They didn’t pick you because you weren’t ready at those times. There is nothing wrong with you because you didn’t have the skills then. Neither did I a year ago, and neither did others here before we found Rori Raye (I’m not saying everyone). The fact that you FOUND this stuff tells me that you are now ready to heal.

    It sounds like you are still in pain about your past pattern of being the girl BEFORE “the one” for so many of your past loves. If this were my dream, I might start by asking myself: Did this dream come along to tell me my anger and pain are still getting in my way?

    When I interpret my own dreams, I question how other characters in my dream could represent different aspects of myself. So I wonder if this ex, who was ready to be in a real relationship before you were, is also a part of you. Could you be violently pushing away the part of yourself that is ready to be married? Or perhaps you are pushing away the part of you that sees you as “not enough” or “unworthy.” In the dream, the violent act of pushing your former lover away from you didn’t heal your hurt, anger or confusion. I wonder what this is mirroring in real life?

    I feel curious to know what you feel and think about these suggestions.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 5:41pm

  150. 150: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shaming Children Is Emotionally Abusive

    Children respect those who respect them.

    Published on September 10, 2012 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love

    I recently attended a social gathering with friends, family, strangers and a bunch of cute kids. As the day ended and goodbyes were shared, I over heard a six-year-old quietly ask her mother for something. Suddenly, in front of the crowd, the mother exploded and yelled hysterically at the child. The little girl was silenced with tears streaming down her cheeks. It looked like a familiar scene for mother and daughter. The crowd silenced too, but quickly acted like nothing happened. This example of shaming and humiliating a child can have long term devastating effects. Will this little girl grow up to respect her mother?

    “ Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honor one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.” Children respect those who respect them. The above quote comes from my colleague, Alice Miller, who passed in 2010. Her deeply thoughtful and profound work continues to inspire. She’s considered the most articulate child advocate in the world.

    Adult children raised by narcissistic parents frequently tell similar childhood stories of shame and humiliation. Often these shaming acts take place in front of other people. Treating children badly and without respect is not the golden rule for parenting, but why do we see this so often?

    Just today, a friend shared a similar story. Her brother frequently shames his children. When the family gets together, he loudly announces the wrong doings of his children, with no insight to the damage it does. The children stand listening with eyes cast downward. Is it any wonder that young people in these situations grow into adults with self-doubt, depression and anxiety?

    Shaming and humiliating children is emotionally abusive. It is not ok to smack children physically or with words. Young people deserve and are entitled to reach out, attach and bond with their caretakers. It is an expectation that the parent will provide safety, protection, acceptance, understanding and empathy. When this does happen, children grow up knowing their worth and demanding respect from others and themselves. When children are emotionally or psychologically abused, they grow up feeling unloved, unwanted, and fearful. Normal development is interrupted and it sends the wounded child into exile. This is when negative internal messages are developed and why we have so many adults today feeling “not good enough.”

    As children become adults, they parent themselves in the same manner they were parented. Messages internalized from childhood are now ingrained in the adult. Those messages play like repeating endless tapes. “How could you be so stupid?” “ You can’t do anything right.” “ This is why no-one likes you.”

    Shaming and humiliation causes fear in children. This fear does not go away when they grow up. It becomes a barrier for a healthy emotional life and is difficult to eradicate. If these same children become parents, the possibility also exists that the fear and negativity can be unwittingly passed through the generations.

    Our goal in recovery is to stop the legacy of distorted love. As Seneca (Roman philosopher, author, politician, 4 B.C.E. to C.E. 65) says, “ Fear and love cannot live together…Blows are used to correct brute beasts.” {Daria has a possibly diff interpretation of what he intended here… but… }

    When we talk about disrespectful children, we must look at parenting. Solid parenting shows children respect and empathy. When a parent truly gives respect to a child, they receive it back. When this becomes the norm for the household, we see young people grow up with a loving value system that makes a difference in the world. However, when children are shamed, humiliated and then silenced, it represses the harm that may re-surface later in life. If this happens, it can be in the form of self-destruction or cruelty to others.

    Make the commitment to never shame a child. Treat children like you want to be treated. If you were raised by narcissistic parents, your own recovery work truly makes the difference. I salute you for the earnest efforts to stop the legacy of distorted love. The children of the world need YOU!

    Additional Resources:

    Virtual Workshop: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

    Work the 5-step recovery model in the comfort of your own home.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201209/shaming-children-is-emotionally-abusive

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 5:51pm

  151. 151: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im having a hard time believing im good enough

    i wanted to post something teasing my brother but i held back out of fear as i see him as ‘in the group’ and me ‘out’

    ahhhh

    this feels painful rarrgh and numbing

    i want to heal this

    i feel frustrated!

    when will i finally believe im worthy!!!!!!

    ugh

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 5:53pm

  152. 152: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    #150 So true Daria! Both my late parents were narcissists. The scars last a long time.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:03pm

  153. 153: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    150 – That’s just one of my mom’s issues. I guess that does explain why I never feel good enough.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:06pm

  154. 154: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t really think of my parents as narcissists, tho i can and after this maybe it will be crossing my mind lol – but i dont want to label people

    but there was definitely the belief in shaming and that kind of behavior

    and this is helping me get even more clear on not tolerating this

    yay

    ive already been speaking up for myself a LOT i see that .. yum yum

    another lil lift for me

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:19pm

  155. 155: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    courage is having the belief in oneself… the emotional support, internalized, to do what one wants

    so when i say i dont have courage, its not an inborn trait, is whether my inner voices are supporting me

    so they were not, they said… you might be attacked and feel awful

    they dont know who you are not that close, yu dont have the ‘right’ to say that, its nto earned thru status

    aha ok its unraveling some

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:24pm

  156. 156: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel glad to see this touched you ladies. we are healing

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:25pm

  157. 157: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #25 – Calypso – meow! sounds yummy…But, once again, should not be encouraging this :)

    # 65 – Dominique – thanks for the reassurance…feels good.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:37pm

  158. 158: #eartNo Gravatar says:

    # 68 – Tam – wow…I feel happy to read you told him you were anxious…Awwr sounds like Mr.P is really excited foryou o isit….Feeling concerned though…Would feel relieved to hear you’re keeping your heart open…(don’t forget the Cuban guy)

    #69- Daria (^_^)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:51pm

  159. 159: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    #102 (((( KJ ))))
    Please give yourself time to think before you react. Time alone.
    It is not clear that he deserves your trust.
    He hasn’t made a clean commitment to you.
    Are you dating others? It may be a very good idea to start doing so, no matter what comes of this. No matter how uncomfortable it feels.
    He needs to prove himself over a stretch of ground, and so far he hasn’t.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:57pm

  160. 160: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    # 158 are my comments…
    I made a mistake with the name…
    Is there anyway to make your name permanent?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:58pm

  161. 161: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    ooooh it didnt post ….kay Ill have to rewrite.lol

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:59pm

  162. 162: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He offered pasta and veal limone with wine. Music. His bed with me alone in it. Telling me I am sooo beautiful but that if he sleeps in same bed won’t be able to keep his hands off me. I said it would feel bad to me to sleep together as friends. I offered in exchange many FMs about southing, touch, heart, sad, happy, ect. So far I am leaning way back… Argh…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 6:59pm

  163. 163: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    # 68 – Tam – I feel happy to read you told Mr. P you were feeling anxious….Sounds like he’s excited to have you in FL.
    I feel concerned though….would feel good to hear you’re keeping your heart open…

    #69 – Daria (^_^)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:02pm

  164. 164: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Stay strong SA! You will feel so good about it later. Sounds like he is doing everything one would want. Keep it up!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:03pm

  165. 165: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    # 161 SA
    Offering YOU his bed for yourself and telling you how beautiful you are and he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you–Nope–he is not angling for “just friends”.
    Now the next hurdle is friends with bennies. Just say no. Sleep in his bed by yourself.
    If he is serious he will make it clear.
    You are doing great!!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:06pm

  166. 166: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #161 SA – you’re leaning far back But you’re going to stay at his house? Ok SA.
    I feel disappointed.
    I feel irritated and compassionate at the same time.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:08pm

  167. 167: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    And there is a big pillow he says he has been holding instead of me while sleeping…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:08pm

  168. 168: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    161:

    Trust your boundaries SA.
    Men looove to help damsels in distress.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:08pm

  169. 169: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    I woke up this morning with my entire back muscles all stiff and tense.

    It’s been that way all day.

    I still went to zumba class as it does help loosen up the stiffness.
    I need to look into this.

    I can’t ‘feel’ what’s causing this muscle tension.
    I did last time it happened a week ago, and was able to release.
    I had just noticed my feelings, observed them and let them go…and it worked to relax my muscles.

    But now, hmmm, can’t put my finger on it.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:13pm

  170. 170: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know how FlowerChild is doing?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:15pm

  171. 171: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    While on vacation, I went to a country arts and crafts boutique where I found what I had been looking for for years:
    A small rectangular pillow filled with linen seeds used to put a gentle weight on the eyes to relax them.
    There’s lavendar oil in it.
    It feels heavenly.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:17pm

  172. 172: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Sirens! I really appreciate your support. I am feeling all smiley in his bed. Not sure where all this will lead us. He has been telling me how sad he was last weekend to go to a wedding alone (I forgot that was last weekend!) he had invited me to. he also apologized about the weekend in Lake Placid, to which I said I felt angry and sad about. he then asked if I was angry at him, i said no, I feel angry about the weekend, it would have felt so beautiful and told him also ‘oh yeah and I feel angry about the wedding’. He said he didnt feet comfortable calling me to go because he felt ridiculous about it and ended up feeling ridiculous going alone. He keeps saying how difficult it’s been and he is clearly trying hard to stay away somewhat physically when we pass close to each other, but his eyes give him off… I am feeling very curious. We listened to music and I laid back on the sofa with one of my arms dangling down imagining being in a row boat and totally laying back. I closed my eyes. He eventually closed his but I caught him peeking at me many times when I would open them… Anyway, so far he is being a perfect gentleman in action but I realize he may be testing also and I am leaning back and being demure.

    Oh crap! I just heard his phone. He’s getting a text…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:20pm

  173. 173: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    A friend told me to check out “Traumatic Bonding”.

    Scary. Of all the stuff I’ve read, this feels closest to what I experienced with R in 2009. It goes hand in hand with the Stolkholm Syndrome.

    I think he has changed since February 2012, but I am not sure yet.

    Victims and Survivors of Psychopaths

    from victim to survivor

    Traumatic Bonding

    with 323 comments

    Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” (Dutton & Painter, 1981). Several conditions have been identified that must be present for a traumatic bond to occur.

    –(1). There must be an imbalance of power, with one person more in control of key aspects of the relationship, such as setting themselves up as the “authority” through such things as controlling the finances, or making most of the relationship decisions, or using threats and intimidations, so the relationship has become lopsided.

    –(2). The abusive behavior is sporadic in nature. It is characterized by intermittent reinforcement, which means there is the alternating of highly intense positives (such as intense kindness or affection) and the negatives of the abusive behavior.

    –(3). The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection. In severe abuse (this can be psychological or physical), one form of psychological protection strategy is dissociation, where the victim experiences the abuse as if it is not happening to them, but as if they are outside their body watching the scene unfold (like watching a movie). Dissociative states allow the victim to compartmentalize the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.

    The use of denial and distancing oneself from the abuse are forms of what is called cognitive dissonance. In abusive relationships this means that what is happening to the victim is so horrible, so far removed from their thoughts and expectations of the world, that it is “dissonant” or “out of tune” or “at odds” with their pre-existing expectations and reality. Since the victim feels powerless to change the situation, they rely on emotional strategies to try to make it less dissonant, to try to somehow make it fit. To cope with the contradicting behaviors of the abuser, and to survive the abuse, the person literally has to change how they perceive reality. Studies also show a person is more loyal and committed to a person or situation that is difficult, uncomfortable, or even humiliating, and the more the victim has invested in the relationship, the more they need to justify their position. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful “self-preservation” mechanism which can completely distort and override the truth, with the victim developing a tolerance for the abuse and “normalizing” the abusers behavior, despite evidence to the contrary.

    –(4). The victim masks that the abuse is happening, may not have admitted it to anyone, not even themselves.

    Trauma bonding makes it easier for a victim to survive within the relationship, but it severely undermines the victims self-structures, undermining their ability to accurately evaluate danger, and impairs their ability to perceive of alternatives to the situation.

    Once a trauma bond is established it becomes extremely difficult for the victim to break free of the relationship. The way humans respond to trauma is thought to have a biological basis and reactions to trauma was first described a century ago, with the term “railroad spine” being used. Another term used has been “shell shocked”.

    Victims overwhelmed with terror suffer from an overload of their system, and to be able to function they must distort reality. They often shut down emotionally, and sometimes later describe themselves as having felt “robotic”, intellectually knowing what happened, but feeling frozen or numb and unable to take action. A victim must feel safe and out of “survival mode” before they will be able to make cognitive changes.

    Many victims feel the compulsion to tell and retell the events of the trauma in an attempt to come to terms with what happened to them and to try to integrate it, reaching out to others for contact, safety, and stability. Other victims react in an opposite manner, withdrawing into a shell of self-imposed isolation. The trauma bond can persist even after the victim leaves the relationship, with it sometimes taking months, or even years, for them to completely break the bond.

    http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:40pm

  174. 174: ViNo Gravatar says:

    A couple of days ago there was an ‘accident’ between me and my man when he suddenly withdrew and got shut down and defensive and I shared that it felt weird and bad to me and is there anything I have to know? and he said nothing. Okay. He has a right to keep silence and also act like nothing has happened and still want to pat me or kiss. Okay, it’s his business. So I turned to my feelings and noticed me worrying and feeling sad and angry and also – used ! And that at the same time I kinda pine for him and then I thought. I just can not entrust myself to a person I am feeling such feelings with. Why should I pine for someone I feel this way? Why should I want sex or attention from a person I feel bad with and not cared?? I can’t entrust myself even for a while to anyone I am feeling this way with. I HAVE to feel secure and cared to want a man. Otherwise he is my practice material. Thanks goodness I am at the place where I want and HAVE to feel secure and cared for! I don’t feel longing him any more. And today my little girl feels safe and secure for the first time for the last few years. And that feels awesome. No matter what.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:41pm

  175. 175: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    This last part, “Many victims feel the compulsion to tell and retell the events of the trauma in an attempt to come to terms with what happened to them and to try to integrate it, reaching out to others for contact, safety, and stability” is what I think I have been doing on the blog.

    I am watching the relationship based on pain. The last time he hurt me was in Feb. Now he is just leaving me on my own and spending little time with me. But that could have to do with me being an hour away. And if he really just wants friendship. So I can’t classify that as hurt.

    So I am just watching him, hoping that my theory is right that he is not like that anymore.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:45pm

  176. 176: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Rad-love – You are in an Imaginary Relationship.
    There is no Traumatic Bonding going on….There is Nothing going on.
    THere is no Masculine Energy coming your way from R.
    There is Nothing….no love, no kissing, no affection, no shared memories…NOthing.
    Stop trying to Understand it…There is Nothing to Understand.
    You are Traumatic Bonding With Yourself.

    I know this is harsh…but I feel frustrated.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:50pm

  177. 177: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens,

    Oh SA, what a mess… a flood! I’d suggest you not go over there… but easier said than done. I’d want to if I were you. I might even convince myself that the flood happened to give me the opportunity to spend time with him. Hey, I did do that… I encouraged C to stay with me when he wasn’t getting along with his family. Hmm, did not go so well for me.

    I’m feeling a little clearer about what I want from a man. I want exclusivity. I want someone to come home to. I want my person, the one that’s my other half.
    I don’t want to rush into anything with anyone. Actually taking a relationship to the living together/marriage level, sounds almost like it will never happen for me. I don’t know how many good things would have to happen over such a great length of time, to convince me that was a wonderful and smart idea.

    I feel safe in my house, half paid for by my ex. I don’t have to worry about having a relationship to get me to a better place financially….. my ex provides that for me. That should take a lot of pressure off of me, feeling that I need to meet someone. Maybe it has. I hate wasting my time, and most of the men I date I think enough of the right qualities I’m looking for. I’m just not drawn to them to be with forever. FW brought up a story about a woman who still felt so connected to her ex, that she put off any real possibility of starting something new. I know I do that. I talk about my ex, some good, some bad, I explain my living situation which is enough to make any sane man wonder…. oh I’m a mess.

    I’ll be 39 in 3 months. I’m going to take these next 3 months and really figure out what I want, what to do about it, and focus on that.

    I really really like Mr. Conversation, and I wish things were different than they are. I’m so happy he has a job interview tomrorow that he’s really excited about. Life is looking up for him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be on the same page and want the same thing at the same time…. but I’m keeping him as a friend. He fills a big void in my life and we help each other a lot. I w to surround myself with people who make me feel good, are really present in my life, and that I enjoy.

    BUT, and here is the big BUT, I’m open to who ever else may show up in my life, that might want what I want (if I ever really figure that out).

    I leaned forward and texted Tux, he replied a few times, but just asked about my weekend and said he was working on reports. He said he wanted to see me again, but hasn’t asked. He contacted me last Thursday…. same type of conversation.

    I know I’m rambling… lol, but mind feels all over the place! sheesh. I keep hearing from these really young guys on POF. I’m wondering if I should be open to that. It doesn’t feel like a good fit to me, but am I over thinking it? I don’t know.

    I do know, I miss having sex. I want a committed relationship with a lot of sex. I want consistent, exclusive, romantic, loving rex. How do I get it?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:51pm

  178. 178: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Heart,

    176 – That feels really bad to hear. I feel attacked.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 7:55pm

  179. 179: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    178 – Rad-love – I feel angry. I believe You are a tiny bit abusive to R.
    At any rate -you and R are no where close to an abusive relationship like the one you described in the post. You and R do not have Any Kind of Relationship going on At All. There is
    Nothing…
    nothing
    nothing…There.

    You put your time and energy and Entire being…into Figuring out and Understanding — Nothing.

    He is not going to Come Around.
    He does not want a relationship with you.
    It Is Not the Schizophrenia….It’s You.
    He Doesn’t like you like that….
    He’s Not Into You…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:12pm

  180. 180: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Heart,

    179 – Gag, I feel angry being treated like pond scum by another Siren. I am not going to read your posts anymore. I feel completely misunderstood and disrespected.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:17pm

  181. 181: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove – I write that with Anger and with Love.
    I want you to Be happy Radlove..with a man! I want flowers for you on your Birthday and someone to cuddle and watch a scary movie with…I want you in a pretty dress and mermaid hair and a man with eyes that lights up when he sees you….
    I feel fed up of your obsession and delusion…
    I feel scared too…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:19pm

  182. 182: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Heart @ 176 and 179

    Heart, I don’t want to respond as a defence of Radlove as I believe she knows best how it feels to be spoken to like you have in those posts. I do feel triggered though, your words read as controlling and masculine energy to me. Is this reflecting something about yourself? The strength of your response makes me wonder if this is about you and not Radlove.
    I feel a bit annoyed with myself, as I realise that by drawing this to your attention, I am also acting out of a masculine energy. I’m trying to find ways of expressing without making wrong.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:24pm

  183. 183: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove – I feel bad. You’re not pond scum Radlove…I enjoy reading your posts. I like it when your playful and funny. I feel tiggered by your posts on R.

    I felt like being Brave and being tough towards you.
    I feel hopeful this approach will help.
    I feel sad to lose your online communication.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:29pm

  184. 184: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl- yes this is about me..I feel scared I end up like Radlove.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:30pm

  185. 185: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    SA,

    Stay strong! You are doing great. To listen to him it’s like there was some bad luck or a mean witch that keep you apart, but in fact it’s all his doing:) Don’t forget! He is all sweet now but it can turn in a sec if you forget your boundaries. The only way you reconsider is if you are asked on a proper date and talked to about engagement!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:32pm

  186. 186: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I am leaning back. My plan is to collect FM’s and tell him my do and don’t wants when (if) he contacts me. Mostly around being taken care of. Seriously, I was almost fainting last night waiting for him to take me to dinner;) Did not go buy any food because I thought we were going out. Ended up eating a cake that I made for us at 7am on Sunday. It was the only thing I had in the fridge. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good cake lol

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:37pm

  187. 187: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #176 Heart,

    Absolutely, I used to do it to myself. Real romantic communication feels soooo much different!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:39pm

  188. 188: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, it feels scary and frustrating to me that you relate your relationship with R to traumatic bonding. When I think of victims of those kinds of relationships, I don’t understand how you compare to what they would endure to what your situation was. That feels like a lapse in reality to me.

    I understand that he terribly hurt your feelings and you were very disappointed. Why does it have to be so much more than that? Why does it have to be emotional warfare, traumatic bonding, emotionally raped, you as the victim? This is where the frustration sets in, that if you truly believe these things, how in the world can you go back through this cycle again and again, that you love him so much and want to be with him? It feels like you want it both ways. You want the support and encouragement on the blog to persue and continue a relationship with him when he’s being receptive…. but when he walks away from you or cuts back his attention, you want to prove that you are the victim and he is abusing you.

    PLEASE stop. Please take every single word he says to you at face value. Don’t read more into it. Don’t tell yourself he really means something else. Don’t tell yourself he’s testing you. Just accept it and CHOOSE yourself.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:40pm

  189. 189: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    184
    Heart, I find when I have fears about how I will be treated, or that I will end up settling for less than I want, it helps to give some thought to where my boundaries are. I try to give myself clarity and imagine senarios that might feel bad and how I might respond. Then I feel stronger as I have worked out in advance how I will respond if that comes up. It helps me trust myself to be my own guardian angel. xo

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:46pm

  190. 190: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #182 – Rivergirl -oh btw thanks so much for the feedback (I’m still feeling my way and exploring through Siren Island) …I realized I had this tight rigid energy inside me…I’m making a mental note to explore these things and improve my communication. Feeling grateful.
    Still, I stand by what I wrote to Radlove though..

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:50pm

  191. 191: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #189 – Rivergirl – wow….good idea. I’ll try it. I feel curious to explore this.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:52pm

  192. 192: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, just wanted to say that over the last few threads I have noticed that you have an amazing capacity to take care of yourself here on the blog. I admire your willingness to listen to advice but also to speak out when it feels harsh….many others would blow up faced with the same criticism. xo

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:53pm

  193. 193: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #189 – Yes, I think FW is healing this way too and very successfully;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:53pm

  194. 194: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, we are all just fumbling in the dark!
    (((Sirens))) :)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 8:55pm

  195. 195: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    #192 – I agree…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:02pm

  196. 196: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    In other news : I have still not heard from CudG.
    I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it.
    It’s so shocking to Feel his energy just go away.
    It’s been days…this is so Unlike him.
    I wonder was my response too cold, too curt?
    Ick.
    It’s ok…I learning to move with the ebb and flow…but I miss him.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:12pm

  197. 197: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t Play the Victim Game
    By Robert Firestone, Ph.D. on September 30, 2009 – 11:42am
    In Psychological Defenses in Everyday Life, (1989), I described a patient who complained that her husband was habitually late for dinner. Dinner was ready at 6:30, but he often came in as late as 8:30 without calling to let her know that he would be late. She asked me, “Is that right?” in a tone that implied that she was the victim of wrongdoing. I tried to explain to her that the key question wasn’t whether it was right or not, although one would tend to agree with her in principle. What she said may have been correct, but in any case, it was irrelevant. I wanted her to see that she was viewing the situation as a passive victim, which was neither productive nor adaptive.

    Many people think they are entitled to good treatment. The truth is that they are neither entitled nor not entitled to it. The significant issues are what is going on and how do they feel about it. This woman would have been better off actively facing the facts of the situation and acknowledging her emotional reactions rather than personally judging it and feeling victimized by it.

    If you are being robbed, you don’t sit around thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening to me. It isn’t right.” Instead, you react. You may defend yourself, call the police or try to run away. Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding.

    The woman whose husband was late for dinner had every right to feel angry and to consider practical ac¬tion if she wished, but to try to justify feeling victimized was maladaptive and ultimately meaningless.

    Even in the most extreme situation, such as a concentration camp, feeling victimized is not adaptive: Feeling your anger, planning an escape, attempting to survive any and all of these courses of action are preferable to indulging powerless, victimized feelings. Your attitude is a vital factor in determining whether you will survive or perish, succeed or fail in life. Viktor Frankl contended that many of the survivors of German concentration camps were able to endure because they refused to give in to feeling victimized. Instead, although stripped of all their rights and possessions, they used one remaining freedom to sustain their spirit; the freedom to choose what attitude or position they would take in relation to the horror they faced. “It was the freedom to bear oneself ‘this way or that,’ and there was a ‘this or that.’” (Frankl, 1954/1967, p. 94)

    http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200909/dont-play-the-victim-game

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:54pm

  198. 198: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling very curious about victim mentality so I did some research and came across these articles, which I find very interesting.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:56pm

  199. 199: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I love this article! And i love the author Lauren’s picture she’s a gorgeous hottie!!!

    (((KJ)))

    KJ I’m sorry to hear all that! Wow quite a story. Reminds me of my toxicEX. He would lie and cheat and then BEG me back and promise blah blah blah and next thing you know I catch him in a car with a girl and lied again. I made a scene too LOL he was getting out of her car and I got out of mine and went right up to her drivers seat like what the hell is this!!! And she took off! Poor girl. Lol and toxicEX and I were left standing there and I was furious!!!!
    This is after I gave him a fresh start and a chance to build trust with me. Omg I hated him that day and hated myself for being “stupid” although I know I’m not.
    Anyway trust is a hard thing to rebuild and he ruined it for me once and for all with that final straw.
    It was hard to let go cuz I over him soooo much. I still do omg!!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:57pm

  200. 200: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I love this article! And i love the author Lauren’s picture she’s a gorgeous hottie!!!

    (((KJ)))

    KJ I’m sorry to hear all that! Wow quite a story. Reminds me of my toxicEX. He would lie and cheat and then BEG me back and promise blah blah blah and next thing you know I catch him in a car with a girl and lied again. I made a scene too LOL he was getting out of her car and I got out of mine and went right up to her drivers seat like what the hell is this!!! And she took off! Poor girl. Lol and toxicEX and I were left standing there and I was furious!!!!
    This is after I gave him a fresh start and a chance to build trust with me. Omg I hated him that day and hated myself for being “stupid” although I know I’m not.
    Anyway trust is a hard thing to rebuild and he ruined it for me once and for all with that final straw.
    It was hard to let go cuz I loved him soooo much. I still do omg!!!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:57pm

  201. 201: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry I posted twice there was a typo at he end I meant loved him so much lol

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 9:59pm

  202. 202: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    The Line between Victims and Abusers
    By Steven Stosny on May 15, 2009 – 6:52am
    Victim identity is focus on damages suffered at the hands of other people. The desire to be identified as a victim creates a sense of entitlement and a motive to devalue anyone who does not offer special recognition and validation of victim status or compensation for it.

    In our Age of Entitlement, it is often difficult for friends and therapists to detect abuse in intimate relationships and to discern who the primary abuser is. This is especially hard in cases of emotional abuse, with no objective evidence like police reports or medical records. The following characteristics of primary abusers and victims are not fool-proof, but I have found them to be highly reliable, based on the dramatic change of attitudes by the end of treatment.

    Research and clinical experience clearly indicates that abusers are likely to:

    • Underreport, hide, minimize, or justify their abusive behavior

    • Describe themselves as victims

    • Feel abused when their partners disagree with them or don’t do what they want

    • Label their partners’ behavior as abusive

    • Attribute malevolent intent to their partners’ positive behavior (manipulative, deceptive)

    • Pathologize their partners (emotional or personality disorder, incompetence)

    • Use negative labels (nag, irrational, hysterical, lazy, unreliable)

    • Have great difficulty describing their partners’ perspectives

    • Show little or no compassion

    • Exhibit self-righteousness

    Research and clinical evidence traditionally has shown that victims were likely to:

    • Underreport or hide their partners’ abusive behavior
    • Not label obviously abusive behavior as abuse
    • Blame themselves in part for the abuse they reveal
    • Make excuses for the abuser’s behavior
    • Bend over backwards to see the abuser’s perspective
    • Describe the abuser at least partially in sympathetic terms
    • Exhibit self-doubt

    How the line got blurred: Emotional Reactivity and the Victim Identity Movement

    Abuse victims, like anyone in relationships with high emotional reactivity, build automatic defense systems, which include preemptive strikes – if you expect to be criticized, stonewalled, or demeaned, you may well do it first. Victims can easily develop a reactive narcissism that makes seem like abusers.

    But emotional reactivity between intimate partners, although more frequent in the Age of Entitlement, is a small part of the story. A more potent variable in blurring the line between victim and abuser is the reactivity of a social movement.

    The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic – blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.
    http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/the-line-between-victims-and-abusers

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:01pm

  203. 203: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    197 very interesting LG!!

    Oh and I’ve been taking my vitamin B

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:03pm

  204. 204: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    One more, but I’ll just post the link for anyone who may be interested.

    http://m.wisegeek.com/what-is-victim-psychology.htm

    I feel so sad when I interact with someone who is in victim mentality, sad and frustrated.

    I’d like to come to terms with it. To find a balance where I don’t feel so triggered.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:08pm

  205. 205: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I am starting to think about recycledCD every day now. I don’t know why. I’m sure he has so many women.

    Why am i still hooked on his memory??? Hes so “emo” and damaged. He talks about the past a lot. I actually felt bored with him the last few times we hung out. I think I miss the old recycled. He used to be more fun.

    I haven’t felt that spark with anyone. Feeling BLAh

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:10pm

  206. 206: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Emerson! have you noticed a difference in how you feel?

    Also, if you plan on having kids, it’s really great to start building up your folic acid now and it’s in B-complex vitey’s…double bonus :-)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:11pm

  207. 207: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    204 omg my mom is such a victim and likes to do victimized brooding rather than constructive action.
    Drives me nuts to see her like that

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:13pm

  208. 208: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    207 I feel so frustrated witnessing it.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:16pm

  209. 209: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Yes LG I do feel better with the vit B!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:16pm

  210. 210: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    My mom and my sister both like to remind people that they are victims

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:17pm

  211. 211: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    ((Radlove))
    I know sirens are trying to help you not harm you.

    I do feel that your perception is real to you
    and I am not there to see it so I can’t comment if it’s actually “real” or not.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:23pm

  212. 212: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson: I have a feeling you are going to meet someone who has all the great qualities of Recycled and then some. Did you ever use any of those fm’s about texting with Text Cd?

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:27pm

  213. 213: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    The thing I was looking for, which I didn’t really find is how to support someone who is in victim mentality. I feel open to hearing suggestions that anyone might have.

    I have a few people in my life who I see in that space and I feel so unsure of what to say. :-(

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:31pm

  214. 214: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    We made some chicken soup from scratch in the crock pot and I am sipping on the broth right now. I feels soooo nourishing.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:34pm

  215. 215: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to look at this as a mirror-type situation. If I’m getting triggered by something, then there must be some part of my life where I am doing the same thing. So I am going to be extra-vigilant and pay attention to where I might be in victim mentality.

    I feel really excited to discover this! It’s like detective work! And then I can replace it with a more empowered perspective.

    I feel excited!

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 10:47pm

  216. 216: TamNo Gravatar says:

    196 Heart…I am pretty sure he will be in contact, I have always been surprised at the male timeline. It may not even have anything to do with what you said…
    You might be surprise, you might now. I have a feeling you will be ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:29pm

  217. 217: TamNo Gravatar says:

    TYPOOOO ‘you might be surprised, you might not’

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:29pm

  218. 218: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – thanks for comforting me…earlier, I kinda had that rabbit-feeling you mentioned ….and I have a sick feeling in my stomach….it’s nerves, it’s fear, it’s anticipation..

    I feel scared he lost interested….I feel scared he’s still interested….
    These are all just emotions…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:34pm

  219. 219: TamNo Gravatar says:

    oh Heart, yes, btw, I am trying to keep my heart open for sure. I have men and dates lined up.
    They are all new guys so I it’s difficult to get overly excited, but yes. Cuban guy is already possessive and over the top but that may be a mentality difference, guess Cuban and German are opposite poles..haha!!
    To be honest, it is more important to feel good with myself, because I can rush into something with a man to ‘make me feel better about myself’ – but I do not want to go there anymore.

    Forest Siren, oh yes, I know that unless he has someone else, he will always try to step up in his little way. Stick head out of shell, retract back in, stick head out a bit more…tortoise. It is totally up to me how long I can deal with that….at the end of the day he is still going to move away, so I am wary.
    I know that his personal dreams are more important to him than love…so I do not expect anything at all, even when he does step up, it may only be temporary. What’s worse, he may only step up because he KNOWS that he is going soon – so it’s safe for him. But not safe for me. I need to look after me here, perhaps that is where the anxiousness comes in.
    We do have a bond and it is up to us to define where that is going, if he doesn’t step up fully, I am not going to drag this out.
    It feels scary. I don’t want to get my hopes up.

    This morning I woke up feeling at peace. It has been a while. The anxiousness is subdued right now and that’s good.

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:43pm

  220. 220: TamNo Gravatar says:

    218..oh Heart I had to laugh!!
    ‘I feel scared he is not interested…I feel scared he is interested’
    Yes, that sooooo resonates.
    I figured it was my fear of intimacy….I don’t want to be scared anymore, like FW said we have the power to let go of any situation that does not serve us anymore. We have the power. No need to be scared.
    (I am telling myself ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:45pm

  221. 221: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – well all in all – the trip sounds like fun! Looking forward to hearing about it. You seem to know Mr.P’s pattern really well…

    and thanks I’ll try to remember I have the power…

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:52pm

  222. 222: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Heart..still stuck here for another 2 1/2 weeks.. but it’s safe ;)

    Monday, 10 September 2012 @ 11:57pm

  223. 223: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah the article on the ‘abuser/ abused’ behavior i feel triggered from

    im feeling sad

    i feel that guilt i feel it ache in my lower chakra

    i feel a sense of helplessness

    i want to ‘make excuses’ for . i want to reconnect

    i dont want to disconnect

    theres so many reasons to connect

    i feel a guilt

    i feel a sense of ‘duty’ to the kids

    i feel bad about myself not being there for them

    i feel woozy like the feeings will overtake me

    i want to heal this

    i feel hopeless

    i dont think this will ever heal

    i feel down, downturned head

    i want to heal this

    that would feel like
    HUGE ENERMOUS JOYOUS ENERGY RINGING OUT MY BODY AND SPREADING ME OPEN to the ends of me… stretching me horizontally and around

    that would feel scary and exhilarating

    i feel a bit smily

    i feel frowny

    i love my smile i love my frown

    i feel excited to have had a glimpse of what it will feel like to have this healed

    i intend to have that

    stealthy sneaky to not wake up the NVS

    i am asking for divine help with this

    thank u

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:05am

  224. 224: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    :: Let Your Love Shine ::

    Love is like the sun: every member of your family
    can fully receive the warmth of your love without
    depriving the others.

    Only when you position them in front of or behind
    one another does love seem exclusive — giving to
    some while casting a shadow on others.

    Love shines *through* you rather than *from* you,
    which means you can never really run out of it. When
    loving your children, your partner, and yourself,
    there is no limit on how much Love you can shine.

    The more you release thoughts of limitation and
    practice *knowing* that Love is infinite — even
    when others are temporarily focused on the shadows
    – the more you will experience parenthood as a
    sunny, joyful, empowering journey.

    http://dailygroove.net/love-shine

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:25am

  225. 225: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    99: ruth says:

    slow and steady is how to do a marathon

    Running has kept me sane too

    Ahhh Ruth I need these words right now. I did my usual little jog yesterday and I am feeling awful today and I honestly don’t know why.

    The jog is only about 3 miles and I do it all the time. I felt really hot.. Today I ache badly…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:29am

  226. 226: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel sad i hear whiny voice “i want someone to do eft w me :( mhmrrrrmrrrrr”

    then i hear a cold kinda voice “that’s not gonna happen”

    and i feel numb

    wow that feels kinda exciting to see adn write down

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:31am

  227. 227: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    then the kinda walled voice goes “so shutup and get on with your day. this is how life is. you gotta do everything yourself. pull yourself up by your bootstraps”””

    (((voice)))

    (((me)))

    compassion to both voices wanting to help me!

    i see your intent

    we have permission to shift now and talk to each other and in a way that feels good to all of us!

    im here for all of us

    ima safe place

    i feel sad kinda squeezy at my low sternum
    i feel jerky

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:33am

  228. 228: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel naked without the co-dependants in my life

    It feels scary going it alone and trying to forge new ‘grown-up’ relationships

    I feel shaky, I don’t feel like I can do it

    Agggghhhh….

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:34am

  229. 229: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel like letting it all out today..

    I feel run down…

    I’m trying to push through..

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:44am

  230. 230: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im working on healing that shaming stuff and all that abuse stuff by tapping to Margaret Lynch’s 2nd chakra video from 7 levels of wealth

    feels powerful

    im feeling moved to say the least, more like awash in waves

    i also use this EFT resistance to change all the time in the mornings I really notice a diff in how much im able to shift by doing it

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BNgfagvl7M

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:02am

  231. 231: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – i would stop trying to push through and instead let myself sink into my feelings, do the drop to the knees tool, see if tears come up

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:03am

  232. 232: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel kinda blissful moving all this energy

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:11am

  233. 233: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens – so like CuddleyGrinch posted on my FB congratulating me on the thing I got….
    But he still hasnt responding to my mail….
    heh? …don’t know what to make of that…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:14am

  234. 234: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Heart, for him it was easier to do the fb thing, perhaps he is still mulling over what to reply to your email, or perhaps he does not feel like replying to it.

    He certainly wants to make contact though… ;)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:30am

  235. 235: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    @231: Daria

    Great advice! I will try…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:37am

  236. 236: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel nauseaus and exhausted and dizzy tapping this

    i feel excited knowing im healing this

    this will feel soooo wonderful to be healed

    oh my wow

    so much healing from this

    ive rewound and tapped back the first tapping like 5 times now

    on to number 6

    and more

    each time i feel more relief more aha and more depth

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:02am

  237. 237: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im jerking my head so hard and its making me feel fuzzy headed… i feel concerned im giving myself minor concussions

    im choosing to believe its healing and my brain is rerouuting in ways that feel healing, not

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:03am

  238. 238: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    not not

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:04am

  239. 239: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Magic Goddess is healing herself

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:04am

  240. 240: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im gonna raise children that are Gods and Goddesses

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:10am

  241. 241: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    and worshipped and treated that way

    i want to heal my fear of the word worship

    and the association with one person beating themself up and calling themselves worthless and unworthy

    worship is respect

    not requiring putting down or enslaving another

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:12am

  242. 242: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    gently gently

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:16am

  243. 243: TamNo Gravatar says:

    My anxiety is going…and slowly replaced by a warm feeling. I feel all will be ok in the end no matter what happens, because I trust me and I kind of trust him too.
    And I have been writing lots of emails to my other CD’s to take my mind off one man ;)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:30am

  244. 244: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    bathed in warm 2nd chakra energy

    yawn

    more healing

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:35am

  245. 245: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    oh Sirens!

    Well, I got out of bed last night to go to the washroom and he called me in his bedroom… We cuddled and just took long moments to breathe each other. He did not push it but told me how he had missed me so much and that he would sleep with a pillow to pretend it’s me and with my silk nightie in the bed to smell me! He kept telling me how wonderful I am. We spoke about our connection and I told him I just want to be in his arms and feel that connection. And we were on our way to sex when I told him again that I don’t want to be just sleeping together and no commitment. We talked a lot. He doesn’t think it will work with the kids and he says he doesnt want to go back there now because they are adjusting well without me and he doesnt want to confuse them. He says maybe in 6 months to 1 year when the custody is through. I spoke a lot about what I want. We both agreed we revel in our connection and (I am embarassed to say) we agreed to see each other without the kids for now, (so as not to hurt them or confuse them) BUT with a lot of contact, weekends together here and trips…. I am still not sure how I feel about that totally, but the thing is, I told him then that without a commitment on the table I would want to keep my options open and possibly date other men. He said that would be hard but he agreed. And I told him that I would only have sex with him but that I don’t feel comfortable with him dating other women, and he agreed.

    In any case, this is the situation now. I have to say, I have strong doubts he would have called or leaned forward had the flood that caused me to sleep over not happened. He said he cried and it was so hard on him and I can see he was so hurt but this is really all for the kids.

    I do feel curious about a text message he got close to 11pm.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:45am

  246. 246: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Heart @233,

    It’s much easier and ‘on the moment’ to comment on FB. I would not compare to an email, so no worries.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:48am

  247. 247: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    The subject of this orginal post is golden information

    I have listenend to Lauren Frances before on a free telecast forum. I like her style. It puts me in the feel of a femine coated, smart savy woman.

    I recently have had several CD’s. The quality of the men has tremendously increased… my online dating profile has stirred a new pot of men LOL None of them is of real interest to me, but I am practicing and listening to their messages for me. This part is fun! I used to find it laborious. I am also investing myself in creating new girlfriend friendships. Something that I have never done.

    Listening during any interaction with people is so vital. I however LOVE this question to ask now. It will feel like I have done my homework before I do another meet and greet or a new CD. Men… all of them except one I have met do reveal themselves on the first meeting. I cant wait to try this new question. It is going to save time and an hour of listening to gather scoop on a man.

    I do have only one CD that I had any interest in seeing again. “Older Busy Man” called me Sunday and we met up again. He talks a mile a minute and over thinks everything!… Some of the things he told me he thinks… like when we were eating dinner, he said, I am sitting here thinking about how to entertain you after we leave here? HAHAH too funny to me. Also said because I went to play cards with my girlfriends later the same night I met him that I am a person who wants to go and do all the time and would not be happy to relax at home. HAHAH…. poor overfuctioning, thinking man. Funny how he has let me in on his assumptions about me that are not true but this is what he believes about me and that is his truth. Makes me wonder about myself and assumptions I make…. ANYWAY…He feels like is a very nice giving man but does give off all the signals of an emotionally unavailable man. He keeps wanting to kiss me… these deep long kisses. He is testing me… I can feel it…. But really, a make out kissing session and reallying getting into it when all he has done is talk and talk and it is nothing that I can attach to emotionally feels performing to me. I love kissing but not under those conditions. I like him but he is not really the man for me. He uses his work schedule and tight economy as his reasons for being the way he and blah blah blah as reasons he does not, cant, l wont… ahhhh I get it… REALLY he likes company is a bit lonely, aging and set in his ways… wants a person around when he wants them around etc etc. He commented that he liked the fact that I did not get all bent out of shape that he did not contact me all week after we met Which gave me the opportunity to say…” It feels very nice to feel thought of and contacted” but my opinion is that a man doesnt call because he does not WANT to” and smiled and went back to drinking my adult beverage. He said I am just too busy.. yet his phone was sitting out on the table…. He failed my test! and I passed his FUNNY

    Listening has become my best tool. Men do tell you all about them and their beliefs right away. THis new question will become a part of my new meet and greet agenda.

    Hugs Sirens

    PS. I had a meet and greet date with the CD I called “HallmarkGreetingCard Man” He did everything right, but he simply is not my type. I told him and am onto the next “”CD” It feels good to be choosie and stay on my bridge.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:49am

  248. 248: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel…..ooohhhhh….how does that arrangement feel for you?
    Because the first thing that came to my mind was ‘friends with benefits’ (I am sorry). If you can handle that then why not, but if you are already worrying about him receiving texts from other women then wouldn’t it be in your best interests to get your energy away from there, let him miss you and let him work it out WITH kids and everything….because he wants to hide you from his kids now.
    Is that really a step forward?
    I feel worried about you.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:50am

  249. 249: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,

    I know… I told him I don’t want to be ‘friends with benefits’ and that the possibility of marriage has to be on the table. He says he doesn’t know if that can happen again but that there is that ‘possibility’.

    I have to say though, that this is how we got back together last time and that I had really fast results with FMs making the relationship evolve.

    The thing is, he is so stubborn and can be so hard on himself when it comes to his kids, I believe he would not contact again feeling he is doing what is best for his kids. He doesn’t want the fights we had on vacation. He did mention not even wanting to date anyone else or looking to date right now or a relationship, not having he energy for it.

    I did have a tendency to lean forward a bit because I wanted to clarify the situation, but worked hard on leaning back as soon as I felt i was going to the ‘convincer’ side.

    I know he loves me but I feel so confused now about everything else.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:01am

  250. 250: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Heart))))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:04am

  251. 251: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #248 Tam – yes, I second that.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:10am

  252. 252: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel, he will move heaven and earth if he truly loves and misses you.
    Right now, you would be making it easy for him to do the bare minimum to keep you around.
    But if you believe you can turn the situation around, well you know better…for me it looks a return to the pattern of ‘getting together’ and ‘breaking up’….I really would not want that for you.
    But I sure know how difficult it is when you have feelings for someone. What can I say? You’ve got to follow your heart even if Tam thinks it’s a bad idea.
    Sigh.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:11am

  253. 253: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh hi Memulo, how’s things??

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:11am

  254. 254: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Arghhh… I wish I knew how to navigate around this one.

    I am the one who had suggested during the break-up that maybe just not seeing each other with the kids until things calm down would be beneficial, like we did last winter.

    Maybe this just can’t work because of the kids, and it’s a very sad and tragic situation but it does happen.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:12am

  255. 255: TamNo Gravatar says:

    254 – SA, I really do not believe it’s ‘because of’ the kids. It’s perhaps because he does not place emphasis on having a relationship right now because he wants to placate the kids. Then it’s because of HIM.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:15am

  256. 256: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,

    I am really trying to figure this out, and see things from all perspectives, and it is very painful, I am in tears in his bed now (he left for work).

    It is very difficult for us to be together without sex and our lives are so entwined with kids, that I am sure there would be a natural evolution back to what we had in time. The danger is in what may happen when I build those expectations and they take longer than I want to arrive.

    I am certain that if I saw the kids today, they would run and hug me. His impression is different I’m sure because he remembers things they said while they were being kids who want attention from their dad. I wish there was a way to make light of it all.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:19am

  257. 257: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Oh SA…

    ((((SA))))

    I believe there is a way. And that is to decide that you want all or nothing.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:23am

  258. 258: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    184: Heart says:
    Rivergirl- yes this is about me..I feel scared I end up like Radlove.

    I felt a wave of gratitude wash through me…thank you thank you thank you for having the courage to say this!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:25am

  259. 259: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,

    That is very well said ”SA, I really do not believe it’s ‘because of’ the kids. It’s perhaps because he does not place emphasis on having a relationship right now because he wants to placate the kids. Then it’s because of HIM.”

    You are right. He is tired of the disagreements and mentioned he has no energy for anything right now.

    Maybe I will take it easy tonight, still at his place tonight, but will lean back and observe.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:25am

  260. 260: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,

    Thanks for asking;)

    Not much is happening, I worked late last night and I did not write him back, because I didn’t feel his text required a response. Just being quiet and going about my stuff.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:25am

  261. 261: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo,

    Thank you for the hug. I really do feel lost right now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:26am

  262. 262: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((SA))) Aw. I agree with Memulo though.
    I don’t think it is your responsibility to ‘make light of it all’, I believe it is your responsibility to take care of yourself, and in my humble opinion that would mean remove yourself from him until he figured out what he wants, because he does not seem to know what he wants.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:26am

  263. 263: TamNo Gravatar says:

    260 – thanks for the update Memulo :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:27am

  264. 264: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I am meeting a new lady friend tonight for drinks. We are neighbors and it felt so good when she asked me! She seems really nice too.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:28am

  265. 265: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yes SA, that is why I believe it is important to lean back and wait. Last week he actively said he wants to break up, now he is not sure but misses you, if to let him miss you more, perhaps he will come to the conclusion that he wants to make it work? What do you think?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:30am

  266. 266: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Body Language Do’s And Don’ts

    By Rori Raye

    Picture this: you’re getting ready for a first date. You’re thinking very carefully about what you want to say — you want to be interesting and come up with witty things that will engage him in deep conversation. That’s all good, but how you move and carry yourself in his presence sends a very strong message without you having to say anything at all.

    Men are attracted to the softness in us women. When we fully embrace our femininity, this is very attractive to a man and encourages him to take the masculine role to lead the relationship forward. This is where body language really comes into play. So the next time you’re getting ready to meet a man, remember these body language do’s and don’ts for sparking a romantic feeling of attraction in him:

    Don’t: Lean Forward

    When you lean forward toward a man while you’re sitting or standing, it feels masculine and aggressive to him. It changes your physical and emotional vibe and subconsciously feels like you’re chasing him.

    To counteract this, simply lean back. Just tilt your body backwards when you’re around a man, and see what happens. When you’re sitting in a chair, don’t lean forward when you’re having a conversation. Lean back. If you’re standing across from a man, put one foot behind the other and shift your weight so that you’re leaning away, not toward him.

    There is a subtle energy exchange that happens between a man and a woman when they interact. This is where leaning back comes into play – by relaxing your body and “opening” it, you are signaling your affinity towards him and openness to his approach. In this way, we can say that a woman makes the first move by making it possible for a man to make his.

    Do: Relax Your Hands

    When women manage and multi-task, their hands get very tight. So do their shoulders and arms. Have you ever caught yourself balling your hands into a tight fist when you’re speaking with a man? This kind of body language feels tense and harsh to a man.

    When we fully embrace our femininity, this is very attractive to a man and encourages him to take the masculine role to lead the relationship forward.
    Instead, practice letting your wrists go limp and opening your palms. Move your hands in front of your body and imagine they have no bones at all in them. If you’re holding a glass or a fork, notice how tightly you’re gripping, and allow your hands to soften. This small change will make you feel soft, feminine and calmer. It will force you to slow down and drop tension off your body.

    Don’t: Have Tall Shoulders

    When we’re nervous or uneasy, we tend to tense the area around our neck and shoulders. Do a check-in with your body right now, but especially when you’re with a man. Chances are your shoulders will have been creeping up toward your ears, and you probably didn’t even notice.

    To a man, this looks like you’re ready to pounce. It reminds him of his own tension, and he doesn’t want to feel that in you. On the contrary, what men love about us women is our ability to be soft and in touch with our feelings. He wants to feel relaxed around you, especially if he’s a man with a lot of stress from his job. He wants to see you as his oasis. Keep a watch on where your shoulders are and consciously practice relaxing them and letting them fall.

    Do: Step Back

    If you feel a man pull back or lean away, it’s not enough to just lean back. Actually take a step backward. A man will sense the open space, and he will intuitively feel the need to move closer to you without any control on your part.

    Surprisingly, this will also make you feel more in control. By allowing yourself to move away from him, you keep yourself from appearing needy or eager to please, and the ball is now in his court to move closer or not.

    If you soften your body language in these ways, he’ll feel compelled to be around you and get to know you. He’ll feel more affectionate and romantic toward you, and he’ll feel inspired to pursue you.

    In my Modern Siren program, I teach you even more ways to use your body language and your feminine energy to mesmerize a man and make him feel like he has to have you.

    A Modern Siren is a woman who effortlessly magnetizes a man, including using her body language to draw him in. You’ll learn what hasn’t worked for you in the past to attract a man and make him fall for you, and I’ll teach you, step by step, what you can start doing today to finally have the relationship you want with the man you want.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:32am

  267. 267: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    I echo that worry for Siren Angel and I feel that sick anxious feeling you get when you are watching a movie and the heroine is walking into a trap or about to get hurt and you see it coming and the music is getting louder…it feels like the edge of a precipice.

    I would hope this is not the case. But i feel distressed reading that there will be sneaking around behind the childrens backs , not in a real relationship and accepting in fact a “demotion” in importance of SA in M’s life.He has down graded her and she is accepting that so she can feel warm in his arms for a while . He will get the validating feeling of her presence on his terms (she couldnt stay away after all ..thats very validating for him) and her determination to get a commitment dissolved after a midnight booty call from his bedroom . (Sorry if that sounds harsh but thats how it reads).

    I feel very triggered and anxious for her because this is how my own nightmare started and it went on for years ..it is very difficult to back track once you are drip fed on your man crack.

    And it will still be friends with benefits and she needs to decide what feeling that knowledge gives her. For me it was a terrible gradual erosion of self esteem which I couldnt see through the veil of excuses i made..

    That nasty sinking stab of fear when his phone announces a late night text is the feeling that matters most . That is the BIG RED FLAG. Because that is the feeling that never goes away . And whilst there is no commited relationship, he can receive texts and emails and calls, see as many women as he pleases and sleep with them too ..

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:32am

  268. 268: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity, a good post and it has reminded me again about keeping strong when my man crack shows up, if he does, because he will unwittingly play the same game again if I let him.
    And I intend to honour myself, and trust that he will honour me and be honest with me BECAUSE I stick to my boundaries.
    The result does not matter…I also do not wish to drag out the pain of an uncommitted relationship for years, which I have managed to do before.
    I love myself too much for that now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:38am

  269. 269: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    SA,

    I just thought that I did this once with a boyfriend of three years that I lived together with. We broke up and then he missed me and I agreed to see him again, partially because I thought it means that he loves me. He told me later that he was really surprised when I agreed, though from my perspective he BEGGED!! And he valued me less, so I had to really leave and without a nice feeling of self-respect.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:38am

  270. 270: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Sirenity,

    But he made it very clear he has no one else in mind at all and is not looking for anyone else.

    I need to step back and feel through this.

    I don’t want to be ‘demoted’. But i know in time he will warm up and step up to find a solution. Even if it sounds crazy.

    I told him I don’t want to just come over, There has to be as much contact as possible without the kids and looking for solutions to reintroduce the kids for me to accept this for now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:40am

  271. 271: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    254

    Siren Angel

    I feel curious and wonder if you are really okay with seeing him without the kids, and also you both seeing other people?
    If so it sounds like a great solution, actually, for you both to get your needs met and become more emotionally resourced.
    I imagine it feels like a relief being able to give up trying to win over his kids and proving yourself to him, and I imagine it also feels like a relief to not have your son to have to deal with his kids anymore as well.
    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:43am

  272. 272: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Funny how we see others situations clearly but not our own;) Anyone thinks I should write my guy back? He does sound very apologetic in his text from yesterday morning.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:43am

  273. 273: julieNo Gravatar says:

    what if the person is confused and live 43 miles away after one year of dating and now saying it is not working, and he will call in two weeks but you are not broke up. Please comment back.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:46am

  274. 274: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    With regard to “sneaking around behind the children’s back” I believe that Turquoise could lend a voice of wisdom to this.

    Siren Angel I can tell you that Lauren Frances the author of the article above is about believing what men say. If he said “friends” that is what he meant and he is thinking that you are a grown woman and are agreeing to friendship if you accept his offer. Men believe that friends can have sex and live like a couple. Is that what you believe? I can also tell you that close proximity can get hormones going and have me creating all kinds of fallacies in my head. How about you?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:46am

  275. 275: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo what exactly did he say? Not sound.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:47am

  276. 276: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I agree, I see others’ solutions so clear and yet am a rabbit in headlights when it comes to myself!! Ugh.
    Well, you could write to him, why not?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:48am

  277. 277: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Heart,

    I appreciate your candor. Let me just say this, on a public blog, there ARE some things I don’t say. There ARE things going on that give me reason to believe this will be more than just a platonic friendship someday. I am just trying to make sense out of it all, and I think I am feeling more peaceful about the whole thing than ever before.

    Thank you for assuring me that you DO mean well, as far as having my best interests at heart. Just to let you know, as a whole, I believe R is in the midst of repairing his treatment of me from 2009. I believe he is doing his best to change. He has asked me in three separate conversations how he can treat me better.

    And he IS treating me better, and being more and more aware of when he is hurting me, and trying to NOT hurt me.

    Hugs to you!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:48am

  278. 278: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “But he made it very clear he has no one else in mind at all and is not looking for anyone else”

    He might have meant his conscious mind. Most of us have people in our lives that we are attracted to and an old flame that we can “go back” to if circumstances are right.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:49am

  279. 279: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    ‘Fell asleep. Didn’t have coffee. Thought you ate when I dropped you. Have app on cell phone now.’

    I know, it may sound cryptic, but that’s his style lol.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:54am

  280. 280: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    188 – He is not ignoring me at all right now. We are getting along fabulous, in daily communication, and I am not posting much because I feel vulnerable.

    I am just trying to make sense of it all. I mainly broke down the perceived non-proposal in 2009. But the blow by blow stuff that happened in 2009 paralleled what I posted on traumatic bonding. It was NOT an isolated incident. It was a whole cycle of heart-fu/cking that led up to the mega heart fu/ck.

    I no longer feel a need to keep rehashing 2009. That article showed me why I was. And now, like I said, I believe he is changing his behavior. I feel it…and it feels really good.

    No, I am not delusional a little bit. In the past, Knock Softly related to me closely with another comparable relationship that was traumatic bonding. I felt thoroughly understood by her, and she knew I wasn’t delusional.

    This is why I see i have to leave this alone. It is too deep and too psychologically disturbing to handle in this forum. I am very much grounded in reality.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:55am

  281. 281: BABNo Gravatar says:

    Morming ladies!

    I’m struggling with feeling very lonely and forgotten at night, I can’t seem to express correctly to my boyfriend how much I love when he takes the time out of his nightly activities to go to bed with me.
    I just lay there trying to decide what to do.
    I am ok with just snuggling myself and falling asleep, but I really feel the need to present him with a feeling message.
    But every time I start, it comes out blaming and making him at fault. Please help, I can’t get this one right in my head:(

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:56am

  282. 282: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Belle and Heart and Rivergirl,

    Belle’s 258 – “thank you thank you thank you for having the courage to say this!!”

    Yes! Thank you, Heart! We are good.

    Thank you, also, Rivergirl.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:56am

  283. 283: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    …and Belle!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:57am

  284. 284: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    BAB,

    280 – I have heard a number of good approaches thru Rori and Christian Carter:

    1. In a good moment, where you feel connected, you could say, “Remember that time when we went to be cuddling and….? That felt so good. I really miss that with you! What do you think?”

    2. At a time other than bed time, you could say, “I feel lonely often at bedtime. It would feel so good to have my cuddle buddy in bed with me! What do you think?”

    3. A more subtle way is to read a book and just be away from him, leaving welcoming space for him to come to you. But I am guessing you have already been doing this.

    What I have learned for me is the key is to take all pressure off a relationship. I realized I was way too controlling with R. Now that I just am playful and let him come to me on his terms, it feels really good.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:01am

  285. 285: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel it is not unusual in the moment for a man to put his ego aside and beg a woman, so he gets what he wants.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:03am

  286. 286: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl,

    192 – Thank you! That feels really good to hear! I have been MAJORING in this stuff, and your feedback shows me that it really is solidifying!

    I also notice myself interacting with my Mom this week. Over and over I feel triggered, deep, deep triggers from childhood. In the past, it would have been a shouting match.

    Now, I am meeting most of her yelling, criticism, and blame with silence, or with a simple, quiet feeling message. And I am refusing to allow myself to be controlled. I am feeling capable of interacting with love and wisdom with her for the first time in my life. It is challenging, tho, and I feel drained after being with her since Wednesday. Sure do love her tho!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:04am

  287. 287: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Belle @271,

    “I feel curious and wonder if you are really okay with seeing him without the kids, and also you both seeing other people?” We did this last january and it got us back together. He made it clear, and I did too, that he would not date other women. However, I did say that without a commitment, I would like to explore other options, he agreed although he said it would hurt him.

    “If so it sounds like a great solution, actually, for you both to get your needs met and become more emotionally resourced.
    I imagine it feels like a relief being able to give up trying to win over his kids and proving yourself to him, and I imagine it also feels like a relief to not have your son to have to deal with his kids anymore as well.” Yes, it does feel like a relief, but what I really want is another chance at being a family. I see it as an opportunity to reconnect with him as I agree that it comes from HIM (even if consciously about the kids). He needs to be inspired to find a solution and to want to make it work. The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:05am

  288. 288: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah Memulo. But that was sharing facts. No apologizes. I would encourage you to accept as is. Men are very direct. If he wanted to apologize he would. I think he doesn’t even believe you are hurt or he did anything wrong. I would assume he believe everything is good between you.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:06am

  289. 289: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    No apologies.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:07am

  290. 290: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i am noticing a part of me feels very giggly and amused watching women lie to themselves and break their own hearts

    i notice i feel scared to share that here and i feel compulsion to judge myself to prevent pain from feeling judged

    i wonder what this means

    i do feel happy and smily :)

    and i feel disturbed by that

    i feel excited i am writing this and observing myself and noting in writing

    there is probably a part of me that feels very sad and powerless and scared, and it might be that im shutting off from feelign those emotions and going into judging and laughing at people instead

    hmmm

    i would like to heal this

    i dont want to jduge and laugh at myself

    i want to be there for me and support myself

    i feel angry and powerless!

    i feel scared

    i dont want to handle feeling scared

    it feels better to feel amused

    maybe thats the way im taking the easy way out of the tunnel? letting msyelf out the side door with humor?

    rori says its good when i can find humor and laugh at my anger hehe

    hehehe

    im feeling amused

    what if i could accept the part of me that feels amused and delgiht that she’s found such a great feeling way to cope with her feelings?

    i feel guilty for laughing at the hurting women awwww

    :(

    but i feel so powerless to do anything!

    laughing feels good…

    the guilt feels not so good and the fear too

    i feel more amusement

    lol

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:08am

  291. 291: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He needs to be inspired to find a solution and to want to make it work. The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.”

    This my dear Siren Angel is taking control of the relationship and thinking you are a better man than him.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:09am

  292. 292: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria to me it feels sad. Do you have the article where Rori talks about men lying to themselves?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:09am

  293. 293: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I agree that he may be trying to get his cake and eat it too.

    I just don’t know where exactly to go from here in any other way, because I feel he will not change his mind about the kids if we are apart. I am scared that he may eventually try with someone else.

    I did put down some very clear ‘want’s and ‘dont wants’ on the table. Weekends, exclusivity, and so forth. He even said that it,s not about the sex, it’s about being together and connecting and cuddling.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:10am

  294. 294: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria thanks for “dont want to handle feeling scared

    it feels better to feel amused

    maybe thats the way im taking the easy way out of the tunnel? letting msyelf out the side door with humor?

    rori says its good when i can find humor and laugh at my anger hehe”

    It feels better and makes a lot of sense to my psyche

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:11am

  295. 295: BABNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Redlove for those ideas!
    I find myself really struggling to keep it about me and not lean forward with this one.
    I have been trying to be open and give him space, but he doesn’t notice it all it seems, when hes on his computer with heads phones on. (His normal routine)
    I also was very controlling and leading about this in the past. as well as i would always go to him and say goodnight and ask for a kiss, now i don’t and there’s nothing offered in return:( i miss that connection so much, i am finding it hard not to stress over it.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:11am

  296. 296: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Mr ‘I hate driving’ just sent me another email…asking me to tell him when I get in and offering to pick me up from the airport in case I don’t have a ride.
    That’s pretty much unheard of as it is a massive round-trip for him. He never offered before, well he never knew exactly when I arrived. Now he wants to know lol. I feel surprised.
    I shall let that one-sentence email unanswered….a friend will pick me up from the airport. It feels to much of an ‘assault’ to have him be the first thing I see…what do you think Sirens?
    I’d feel better to let my friend pick me up.
    I feel smiley, it’s more than two weeks…I wonder what got into him, this is really new.
    hehe.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:13am

  297. 297: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    This ” am scared that he may eventually try with someone else” is where your work is Siren Angel. This fear and scarcity mentality is keeping you tied to him. Men even dogs smell fear from far away.

    As CCarter says “don’t be scared to lose a man. Be scared that he won’t change”.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:13am

  298. 298: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    SA I feel afraid for you, and partly because my situation is similar in some ways and sometimes it doesn’t feel great. Although one positive is tht we’re not hiding TH from my children but I can understand why you wouldn’t want the kids getting confused.

    Just put yourself and your needs first ok? And get into CDing as quickly as you can! It may be exactly the trigger he needs to realise what an amazing woman he’s about to lose from his life.

    Just don’t put your life on hold for a man who may never offer you what you want, because the past doesn’t always predict the future.

    (((SA)))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:13am

  299. 299: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Well said BW. It reminds me of Rori’s story how she left her husband and went on a date when he did not propose as he had promised. I believe she says she stayed in a hotel for the weekend of the date.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:15am

  300. 300: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I think it is the waterwheel of love turned towards you. Please be a fern and require water

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:16am

  301. 301: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    If a man tells us one thing about his thoughts or feelings (ie this is a friendship) and we continue to believe and try to convince others and ourselves and even him, aren’t we, in effect, calling him a liar?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:17am

  302. 302: TamNo Gravatar says:

    299..aw FW, that is nice.
    So how do I do that? :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:18am

  303. 303: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sassy that’s my belief. We are calling him a liar to soothe our lying to ourselves so it does not feel so icky.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:19am

  304. 304: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He is offering to pick you up from the airport

    “aaawww that feels so wonderful like the world is rolling out the red carpet for Princess Tam to step on as I arrive in Fl. Thank you so much, so kind of you. But my friend is picking me up”. That is my spontaneous reaction but Tameesing it would be best.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:22am

  305. 305: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    TH tried to get cake and eat it tonight, aka asking me over, and suggesting I cook him dinner! Rofl

    This was after he, myself and another guy from work had done a workout at the gym. The other guy ended up driving him home because I told him no.

    I wish I’d said “If you hadn’t moved out, your home-cooked dinner would have been ready for you when you got home from work!” lol

    But I didn’t. And I am so proud of myself for saying no, and I know he’s really starting to miss me.

    Today he came to my desk at work (he rarely does that) and invited me to join him for a walk. Nice! Funny thing though, is that on this walk, he hardly said a thing. He is a man of VERY few words….

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:22am

  306. 306: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    By the way Sassy, this the kind of thing that Rori refers to in an Interview with Virginia and CCarter that is innocuous to us but it is there.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:24am

  307. 307: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    (((SA)))

    You’re not lost. You have remained strong in all this confusion. I agree though that this current situation doesn’t feel good to me. You know your situation best but from the outside it looks like he gets the best of you while you wait on him to catch up.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:25am

  308. 308: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhhh i also feel like a thrill of gigllyness when something ‘unbeleivealby’ awful happens with a man

    like if i ‘catch him with another woman’

    somehow that feels funny

    its like i throw a cover over my heart, which does feel achy and also my tummy feels tumbly and i feel weak and ill

    and over that i feell a TRHILL OF JOY as if im participating ina fun game

    ive noticed this before

    i want to heal this, in a way that feels good lol

    yum this feels exciting to ntoice again from this space

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:25am

  309. 309: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    BW I would wager that him him not saying a thing was him thinking and sinking into his feelings.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:25am

  310. 310: TamNo Gravatar says:

    303 FW, I feel all smiley and cute reading your message..thank you :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:26am

  311. 311: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    308 FW – yeah possibly. He’s normally pretty quiet anyway, and in the past I would try to fill the silence, but today I just walked along quietly beside him. It felt nice actually, and it was a beautiful morning. :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:29am

  312. 312: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im also finding relief by witing advicy posts and then deleting them

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:31am

  313. 313: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “its like i throw a cover over my heart, which does feel achy and also my tummy feels tumbly and i feel weak and ill”

    Thank you Daria. This brings a nauseous feeling in my tummy and my throat. It feels like tightening in my stomach and bitterness in my mouth. I feel tearyeyed and heartachy. I feel headachy and pounding over my left eye.

    aaaahhhh sigh relaxxxx sink in

    Thank you. This is the first time I am becoming aware of having these feelings around this issue. I intend to remove that blanket from over my heart.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:31am

  314. 314: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    SA, I am pretty sure you’re going to go ahead with this arrangement, despite all of our concerns for you, so I’m offering this little piece of advice as I’ve found myself in a similar situation.

    When you go back home, it is important that you get as busy as you possibly can. That will mean that you won’t be nearly as available as you used to be.

    I know that will be hard (because I wanted to be with TH), but keeping your original plans will significantly increase your degree of difficulty and he will be more inspired to “claim” you, if there is a chance of that happening.

    He will most likely grumble about it (TH is KING of grumbling right now!), but it does work and it will also help you to feel a LOT more powerful and confident that you will be ok with or without him.

    I hope you know that we’re all expressing concern purely because we love you. xxx

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:33am

  315. 315: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I’m exhausted. Night sirens! xxx

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:34am

  316. 316: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW. I feel validated. I have been wanting to post that comment for a while now. My heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest, I felt as if I would be inundated with posts from sirens that “no that’s not it in my case at all…”.
    But I am guilty of doing this very thing because I wanted to believe so badly that he truly wanted more than what, in reality, he actually gave.
    Maybe, that, in essence, is a true definition of the “imaginary relationship”. Ooohhh, my hands are shaking and my heart won’t settle down. I feel teary, I want a “real” relationship.
    Men say their truth, but they will take whatever we are willing to give.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:34am

  317. 317: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @296,

    Yes, my fear right now is that he will meet someone else with who he will find it easier to start again with the kids from a fresh start.

    I realize I am acting partly because of fear. I did tell him that I don’t feel it’s fair that I got the ‘adjustment’ period with the kids and that I would not date a man who is not divorced yet again because of this. My fear is that once the kids have adjusted and the divorce is finalized, it will be so much easier for him to put his foot down with the kids and start ‘fresh’.

    But also, I don’t see how he can see clearly if we are not together so that he can feel my FMs and my leaning back.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:35am

  318. 318: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Dear friends,

    It’s not easy talking about tough issues with someone you love.

    You don’t want to hurt his feelings, you don’t want to start a fight, but you don’t want to your needs and feelings ignored forever, either.

    Have you ever had a difficult subject you needed to discuss with your guy, such as:

    * Where the relationship is headed
    * He’s still involved with or spending too much time with his ex
    * He’s been acting evasive and withdrawn
    * You suspect he’s cheating
    * Differences in money values or financial struggles
    * Sexual issues (you want less or more, or something different)
    * His dysfunctional relationship with his family or friends

    …but you didn’t know where to start, or how to talk to him so that he’d LISTEN and UNDERSTAND where you’re coming from?

    If so, I’d like to let you know that I’m offering a teleclass workshop on Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 5:30pm Pacific time entitled We Need To Talk, Bringing Up Touchy Subjects.

    You can sign up or get more details by visiting the information page here >>>http://understandmennow.com/we-need-to-talk

    In this virtual workshop, you’ll learn how to create a positive, productive conversation that will make both of you feel heard and understood. You’ll learn how to be open and honest without creating conflict and negative feelings.

    Men communicate differently than women. They respond to different triggers and they pay close attention when you use specific words and phrases and “tune out” when they think you’re just venting.

    Most women don’t know this, and therefore they waste a lot of valuable time and energy worrying about how to approach their man or communicating in a way that’s COUNTER productive.

    In this workshop, you’ll get specific techniques on how to bring up difficult topics with your boyfriend, husband, date, or just about ANYONE, and feel great about the process. If you’ve ever spent a day feeling angry or down at someone’s abrasive or insensitive words and behavior, you need to attend this virtual workshop.

    Sign up now or visit the workshop information page here.

    There IS a way to have loving, positive conversations around some of the most difficult topics. I look forward to showing you how.

    Love,

    Jonathon Aslay

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:38am

  319. 319: TamNo Gravatar says:

    The other thing that is strange is that now I am sending emails with feeling messages, he is ‘complaining’ that I am not as funny anymore.
    I feel a little baffled by that. It is true, I am a very humorous person and we used to joke a lot also in emails and I know he loves this about me.
    I am worried that all these feeling messages are, although authentic, not the ‘me’ that I know and he also knows. Normally I would write different.
    He has noticed.
    Hm. I feel like an actor or something. I don’t like this.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:39am

  320. 320: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam he has to experience you as new. That’s how they notice. You can be the same old same old funny “buddy” and be the taken for granted woman. Or be the feminine woman that keeps him on his toes.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:42am

  321. 321: TamNo Gravatar says:

    319 – Right! That’s better. Let’s keep him on his toes then. I still can’t get over the fact that he would make that round-trip just to pick me up from the airport.
    Just goes to show – I do believe when they want to see us, they would cross the Antarctic.
    If anything, it has made my resolve to look after myself even stronger. Because I don’t want any half-hearted men after me. I want one that wants to climb a mountain just so he can be with me.
    This stuff works.
    No more crumbs for me, I solemnly declare it here and now!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:51am

  322. 322: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    EMK Philosophy

    “Most men don’t need you to be their soulmates.

    They don’t need you to understand their spirituality.

    They don’t need you to come to meet their friends and family right away.

    All most men need is someone cute, fun, and supportive.

    Someone who believes in him.

    Someone who thinks he’s smart, funny, sexy, and trustworthy.

    Furthermore, in searching for a girlfriend, he doesn’t need a woman who is taller, smarter, richer, funnier or more educated than he is.

    And at last, we’ve uncovered the secret to why dating is more difficult for women.

    A man can date anyone who makes him feel good.

    A woman – generally speaking – refuses to do so.

    Not only do you insist that your man is more impressive than you are – which eliminates 90+% of men – but you insist that the remaining 10% of men also read your mind.

    In your head, the right guy…

    Never pressures you for sex before commitment…
    Always remembers to pay and practices all forms of chivalry….
    Makes it clear that you’re “the one” from the get-go….
    Calls, emails, texts and makes plans every time you want to see him…
    Has no selfish needs or bad habits whatsoever. His entire life is catered to figuring out ways to make you happy.
    Men don’t need you to be in the top 90% of everything. We don’t need you to cater to our every desire. Our decision-making is generally much more straightforward.

    If he takes you on a first date and you were fun, easygoing and sexy, you’ll go out again.

    If you continue having fun, having foreplay, and having minimal conflict, you’ll become exclusive.

    If he wants to get married someday and you’re the easygoing, fun, and sexy girlfriend, he’s probably going to propose to you.

    If you’re married, he expects that you’ll still be as easygoing, fun and sexy as you were when you first dated.

    That’s about all.

    Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying here.

    It’s not that you’re “wrong” for wanting a man to be the best he can be.

    It’s just that your expectations are so much higher than ours.

    And, as you’ve noticed, men always seem to fall short.

    I’m not asking you to put up with some selfish jackass.

    I’m asking you to put up with a guy like me. A guy who has a life of his own, opinions of his own, and a timetable of his own.”

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:58am

  323. 323: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “When you’re sitting in a chair, don’t lean forward when you’re having a conversation”

    I remember doing this in an interview and a male panelist told me he felt sorry for the woman who asked the question. He said I came across as if I was going to pounce on her.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:13am

  324. 324: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – I rember lean forward as an advice for interviews and that it shows interest and confidence . It’s one of the things that confused me finding Rori. I guess it displays masculine energy which may (or may not) work in the interviewees favor.

    Did your colleague mean it as praise?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:42am

  325. 325: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I have a lunch date with JC today and he asked me if I could “squeeze him in” for a dinner date this week. I have been leaning way back since the last time I saw him when he did not get out of bed to see me out and then cancelled the plans we had to take my 18 year old shooting because it “might” rain.

    I enjoy spending time with him, but I’m equally happy by myself . . . wonder what that says? Oh yea . . . I’m still in love with my X . . .duh.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:46am

  326. 326: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, so I did write back expressing that it would feel good and also a little exciting if he picked me up from the airport, but I have a ride already. I said that it feels good to know he could, just in case something goes wrong.
    I most likely won’t hear from him now until I get there (normal), so I am going to use the next two weeks to totally focus on myself, I have appointments to get my teeth fixed (major scary stuff for me), get my hair done, lots of work, packing and general paperwork.
    I shall try not to dwell on anything and go there with no expectations. I shall not lean forward and I shall not let him know I am there as soon as I land, he will be able to find out.
    All is fine.
    Breathing in and breathing out.
    Love to me.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:54am

  327. 327: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Is it possible to feel scared of being happy?
    Guess so.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:06am

  328. 328: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    290

    “This my dear Siren Angel is taking control of the relationship and thinking you are a better man than him.”

    Which is an external expression of trying to control inner feelings, which takes SA right back to her dream – your external experience is reflecting your internal conflicting feelings and beliefs.

    SA, if you can continually practice sinking into the fear and the feelings, the inner struggle will dissolve and it won’t need to show up as the struggle with this man.

    If you can’t, no worries, life will keep handing you the same lesson over and over again until you get it :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:08am

  329. 329: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, you sound amazingly good and strong! I feel so pleased for you…

    As I suspected, MrP is stepping up and showing you (in his way) how excited he is about your return. I really believe if you stick with your feminine approach, he’s going to continue to surprise you…

    It won’t surprise me, but I know how protective you are when considering his relationship abilities.

    Keep focusing on you!! xoxo

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:15am

  330. 330: TamNo Gravatar says:

    328…aw, curvy, thank you so much. Your messages are always so uplifting.
    It’s funny that you are not surprised, because I am totally surprised. I have just not known this before, especially not when I am not actually there yet.
    It feels good.
    But yes, I have to be protective of myself, because I have been hurt before. Though I know him well enough to know that he is a good person and that he is doing the best he can. Else I would not even be there anymore.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:20am

  331. 331: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, yes- just be sure to stay aware of the “protectiveness”. You have been hurt before. We all have. But we still have to really keep our hearts and minds open to the story being different this time. Give him the chance to show you what he has to offer. Stay open and willing to to take that chance again…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:24am

  332. 332: TamNo Gravatar says:

    331….Curvy, I will try my best! It’s a constant struggle for me to stay open and warm, because I have my own fear issues in the mix, but if I put them to the forefront, and go back to the old patterns, we both clam up and it’s a disaster…been there…that is where the hurt is and where it came from.
    So a lot of work still to be done on me. But I do feel hopeful…and happy that you and the other ladies are here to help me. Actually, I feel rather privileged.
    It is such a lovely thing.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:27am

  333. 333: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Tam,

    What if this turns out to be everything you’ve ever wanted with him?
    Exciting? scary? Second chance?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:29am

  334. 334: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    By the way, now that I’m feeling softer and more integrated…
    please do forgive me for casting you as the villain in my drama!
    You were so very very right not to take the bait I was tossing and I feel so much gratitude for your wisdom.
    You may have noticed from the riffs beforehand that I was dealing with wounded masculine energy. I felt so afraid of my violent feelings a few years ago that I completely shut down and went the opposite direction and became extremely passive for a few years. I refused to protect myself because I didn’t know any other way than violence.

    The wounded masculine HATES weak, tender, feminine energy! In the days after I could feel it wanting to rip at something soft and I just noticed and held it and loved it and the experience of feeling like I was really standing up for myself has been incredibly healing. I knew something I had repressed was causing my back pain but it had felt too scary to face before – but it went from debilitating to hardly noticeable in those few moments.

    I feel so much gratitude for ME!! I wanna hug and squeeze and kiss myself all over! I was so brave to explore all of those feelings! I was so brave to ride the trigger down to the terror! I was so brave to trust myself!

    (((FW))) thank you!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:32am

  335. 335: TamNo Gravatar says:

    333…Sassy, he has some major problems/issues and it is not so straightforward….but he knows about them and he does the best he can.
    This would be our 4th chance, which is why I feel wary and scared.
    It is scary, and exciting, and I am well aware of the fact that if a relationship sprung out of this, it would be a very unconventional one, because he is eccentric and fiercely independent (but so am I).
    The other thing is that he is moving away.
    So….it’s all open.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:33am

  336. 336: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    I am a firm believer in where there’s a will, there’s a way.
    Just take one moment, one breath at a time.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:43am

  337. 337: TamNo Gravatar says:

    336 Sassy, I totally agree. I used to be Miss Impatient, but I realised that it does not work.
    I constantly have to tell myself to relax, step back, smell the roses and relax… ;)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:46am

  338. 338: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    On this day, please stand with me and all of America, to honor our fallen from the trajedy of 9/11/2001.
    As recently as yesterday, there were reports of “fallout” from this in the way of cancers being suffered by the first responders/heroes/survivors.
    We were pushed down, but we will NEVER be out.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:47am

  339. 339: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    338
    Amen to that Sassy

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:52am

  340. 340: TamNo Gravatar says:

    338 – yes!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:55am

  341. 341: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((Belle))))))))))

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had not been following along but I sensed or maybe kinda assumed that it was not about me. I resolved not to take any bait as I had learned from one of Rori’s interviews to not hook into drama. Now I feel so happy that I was able to practice not taking things personal and walk away. Truly though the experience had me look at myself and though some of your words didn’t feel soft I did learn some lessons from them. One in particular was that I do avoid confrontations, sometimes. Being the one who claims that I am hooked on adrenaline and love a good fight, that realization was surprising to me.

    I did notice since then that your words include a lot of experience and wisdom. Thank you.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:56am

  342. 342: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Belle,

    “Which is an external expression of trying to control inner feelings, which takes SA right back to her dream – your external experience is reflecting your internal conflicting feelings and beliefs.

    SA, if you can continually practice sinking into the fear and the feelings, the inner struggle will dissolve and it won’t need to show up as the struggle with this man.”

    Yup, Belle, I agree. I need to take care of those feelings, honor them, and let go of some fears for any of this to have a clear and good outcome.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:04am

  343. 343: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    I am going to go with the flow on this one, and be open to explore the relationship with M without the kids – if there is a time set up to reintroduce the kids.

    I know it will be hard on me, but what I need more than anything is your support so I am hoping that you will continue to support me here and in your thoughts and hearts, even though you may not agree with my stance.

    I know I will need your help and advice, and there will be moments of anxiety and doubt, and moments where I just want to ‘be in a good place’ and will want to uplift my vibe.

    Please continue to support me. I have done this in January with M, and things just worked magically when I was able to let him lead 100%. I know I will not convince him of anything, and any pushing will have the opposite effect, so I will leave the kids situation as is for now. I want to enjoy this moment as much as possible, because I do believe the attachment is there yet this man is able to put himself through torture and sacrifice for his kids. I need to take his ‘no’ as a ‘no’. And express my needs and keep my heart open, and explore and experiment this for any evolution to happen here.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:11am

  344. 344: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @291,

    “This my dear Siren Angel is taking control of the relationship and thinking you are a better man than him.”

    FW, what if I let him control completely (no kids) but have expressed my needs clearly? and receive his attention and love while leaning back? This was the dynamic in January that led to a ring.

    He has a lot of fear about the kids…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:15am

  345. 345: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((((Siren Angel))))))))))))))))))) Where my concern lie is that he said “friends”. So receiving his love in my mind is receiving what he will give as “love for a friend” while you are thinking romance. Men are clear about love and being “in love”. But I trust you will take care of yourself.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:22am

  346. 346: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow talk about triggering!

    im gonna just kinda step sideways on these ones…

    woooz woooz

    dodged bullets

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:23am

  347. 347: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Though SA I would suggest you really get familiar with the Rori Raye Third Way and truly cdate. Focussing on the situation, building up your hopes, laser focus on him might backfire.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:24am

  348. 348: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    universe i dont want to keep being shown that im not completely healed yet!

    i feel frustrated

    i want to feel healed and safe to create and trusting of me

    ohok i see

    change the significance i give to events

    ok thank u

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:24am

  349. 349: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hey ! these obvious triggers are signs that im healing!

    heheheh!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:27am

  350. 350: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    hey, daria! i wanted to tell you about this dream i had a while ago…. at the end of it, there was a big storm & i saw my “ancestral home” & then i went to a “learning place” & a group of animals all dressed up told me the lynxes were going to show me something & then i saw all the dead moving in the dust. it felt magical & like family.

    i feel so curious about the things you were listing……. because when i was little i felt the river otter energy & then later i thought, oh, before i have been the tree… i remember the most dramatic & amazing dream about bison before the lynx dream too…… i saw an epic hunt frozen in bronze in a colossal cleared-out hall & i really wanted to show everyone

    & i feel curious too if there are deer….

    i feel kind of amazed to talk to someone about this actually : ) but i feel fine if you “don’t wanna” too : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:41am

  351. 351: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    What I’m noticing is, the more often I write out the thoughts around hurt feelings, and feel the hurt, the more I laugh at myself and shake it off and choose to be confident instead.
    More and more I see from my adult perspective, and find it laughable that a man getting up and moving away feels like danger. Especially, a man who is up to no good…I feel giggly and smiley now.
    Yes! The men who are up to no good *should* be running away! My vibe is repelling him!

    Something else I noticed about the former attraction with C, was a need to seduce – residue from sexual abuse (C was also sexually abused as a child). The more I noticed and felt love for myself, the more that has fallen away and more and more I am feeling so much satisfaction in simply BEing. I feel RELIEF from that need.

    I’m feeling stronger, more secure. It’s almost like I used to feel like I was leaking, or that my insides were outside of me (continually longing) and now I feel like I’m all contained, all my guts are inside where they belong.

    I can see more clearly now how I was trying to get my unmet childhood needs met in relationship…”you take care of my little girl and I’ll mother your little boy” and it feels so good for that to be falling away.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:49am

  352. 352: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    mmm i feel weird to say my dreams…… it feels like….. plotting data to “summarize”…. & i feel unreal excited to try describing my dreams how they actually are to experience…. that sounds so yummy & inky dark, “spooky” almost & fun ! yay

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:54am

  353. 353: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    blooming – yeah lynxes will show u to the dead people too, actually mm theres a golden spinny wheel called a lynx

    well when i saw about they lynxes there were also buffalo around

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:00am

  354. 354: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well bison type buffallo

    and we are the tree that is the woman being heart of the world

    like the Eyewa in Avatar

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:01am

  355. 355: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ah i feel all stumbly hmm thank you for sharing your dream Blooming i See it

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:02am

  356. 356: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh, I have been feeling soooo tired lately.

    I know there is a reason but gosh, it feels overwhelming.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:14am

  357. 357: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens!

    So I’ve had an email from strummingman everyday. This feels lovely and warm to have him thinking about me and him making contact.

    I might not reply to his email until tomorrow though…

    Or is this game playing? I Feel a bit like that. I feel like I should respond tonight but later would feel good. If I respond tomorrow I would be doing the purposely.

    Hm why would I do this…Maybe I don’t want to feel like I’m appearing too keen, but then I’m not leaning forward and it’s been 24hrs nearly since the email so that’s not appearing too keen… Now I feel I’m overanalysing.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:16am

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    More and more I see from my adult perspective, and find it laughable that a man getting up and moving away feels like danger. Especially, a man who is up to no good…I feel giggly and smiley now.
    Yes! The men who are up to no good *should* be running away! My vibe is repelling him!

    Oh yeah.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:17am

  359. 359: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, just write when you feel like it….?!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:18am

  360. 360: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Julie , 273

    Hi! Leanback.

    Christain carter says…’if a man is unsure about what he wants, he doesn’t want what he’s got’

    Look after you, take care of your heart.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:20am

  361. 361: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile I believe you can also try leaning back internally in your energy, your thoughts and your body language while responding to him. Maybe just share one feeling rather than waiting till tomorrow.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:22am

  362. 362: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi tam, was just catching up on airport lifts!

    Loved your response 

    I’m going to email after tea. I think this is what he will expect of me though. I am a little bit curious to leave it till tomorrow still. Ill check with myself later about how I feel to reply.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:22am

  363. 363: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Julie – Rori Raye says if he is not in front of you he does not exist. Another coach says – assume he is off the planet.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:23am

  364. 364: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Smile!!!
    Enjoy your dinner :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:25am

  365. 365: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW. I was actually going to lean forward in my email. So thanks fir the reminder.

    He has now settled into a job he enjoys which I feel so happy for him about. He said he had been up preparing stuff for his meeting and video conference, but he said I guess you wouldn’t be interested…? I took this as him wanting me to inquire about it, maybe it would make him feel good and important to tell me. My immediate response was I do feel interested. I’d love to hear. Is this leaning forward?

    I like the idea to share tonight but just a simple FM.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:27am

  366. 366: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I did put him out of my mind for 24hrs though. My job keeps me busy so I’m thankful for that. My mind only manages to wander as far as, must eat, must go to the toilet, during the day.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:29am

  367. 367: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, having corn on the cob tonight! Feel excited! I love food 

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:30am

  368. 368: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel, only yo know what you really want.
    I feel exasperated.

    I do feel confused that you said you don’t want to sleep with him with no commitment.

    And then later on said you would sleep with him but date others without commitment.

    He has committed to nothing
    The deal he is offering you is seeing each other with a ‘maybe’ deal in the future.
    And his actions have proven that he doesn’t want to resolve the conflict re kids.

    WOW so he gets to see you and have sex with you and then maybe in about six months or a year he might offer you a commitment. But at the moment he doesn’t see that as a possibility. But it’s still a possibility.
    And all this without kids seeing each other.
    So no solution of fixing the conflict then. Ok
    His way of fixing it is to keep them and you and your child apart and avoid the conflict righteo. And how does that work later on then if this ‘maybe’ commitment then gets offered?

    This conflict is frozen (STUCK) in time as no resolution has taken place.

    If that’s the deal you want to accept it is what it is.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:38am

  369. 369: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t think enquiring about something he would like to share with you, but is worried that you may not be interested, is leaning fwd, Smile.
    You could say ‘it feels good to hear about it’ if you are genuinely interested. Men like it when we find them interesting and admire them a little for their work or hobbies – in my experience.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:41am

  370. 370: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    And once we sleep with a man we become hormonally attached.
    Do you really want to sleep with and become hormonally attached to a man who is not offering you any future commitment?

    Is that really what you want and in your best interest?
    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:43am

  371. 371: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Just had lunch with JC. He said it felt like forever since he had seen me and I playfully reminded him that he was snuggled up in bed last time I saw him . . . He said he didn’t even remember me kissing him goodbye. I told him that I asked him if he wanted to let myself out and he said “Yes, sweetheart, if you want to . . . ” OMG – he looked mortified! Too funny! He said I should not have let him get away with that and next time to tell him to get his A$$ out of bed! I promised to do that.

    Also – when he asked me what I was doing this weekend and I reminded him that I am taking my 18 year old son to Nashville to leave for Boot Camp he looked shocked again – He said, “Already?” – yes . . . .already, which is why I told you last weekend was our last opportunity to take him shooting. Whatever – I did not make a big deal of it. I could see him feeling guilty for ditching us, so i did not pile on. I stayed sweet and smiled at him (with my eyes too) and let him hold my hand and talk about going out of town together one weekend soon.

    He also told me that he has lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks – that he wants me to be proud to be seen with him. I was surprised that he’d lost so much in just 2 weeks, but he said it was from chasing me – lol good one!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:46am

  372. 372: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam

    ‘Men like it when we find them interesting and admire them a little for their work or hobbies – in my experience.’

    This is my experience of strummingman too. Especially him talking about his job. I know it hit him hard to have no job.

    I’ll keep it short but tell him It would feel good to hear about it.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:50am

  373. 373: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooh Calypso! I’m all giggly and feeling excited for you……(whispering) but quietly since I’m at work. :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:53am

  374. 374: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I love my fear even though it feels crippling sometimes. It is only trying to protect my heart.
    ((((my fear))))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:57am

  375. 375: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all,

    I haven’t had much time to read lately, but this posting caught my eye!

    I think one of the last times I posted I was about to have two dates in the same weekend. One went well (I thought) and one did not. I did not hear from either man again, even though the one with whom things felt good suggested that night that we go out again the following weekend. I have had no dates since.

    I’ve had a number of men in the last two weeks disappear on me when I tell them I can’t see them during the week but I’m available on weekends. That feels disappointing, but it’s true. I don’t finish with the daily things that I do (like going to school, taking care of my dog, running or going to the gym, and then planning, prepping, and/or grading) until after 9 pm. I just can’t fit even a coffee date into that and feel good and relaxed. But they’re not taking me up on my offers of weekend time, so they’re not right for me.

    I’m going with a girlfriend to a match.com singles mixer next Monday. And I’m going Saturday with an acquaintance to a party thrown by a pair of his friends from meetup.com who met through that site and got married this summer. I’m feeling hopeful I’ll meet one or two men with whom there is a mutual interest in seeing each other again.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:00am

  376. 376: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    FW @345,

    ‘Friends’ was before I came over last night, when he suggested I stay at his place during the drying of my flooded place…

    Last night he did not use the word ‘Friend’. Says he has had to sleep with a bug pillow and my silk nightie to be able to sleep, has cried, and has been really hurt this breakup. Has not had any inclination to go look on Match (like during last 2 breakups)… I really feel he’s not as far as he was gone last 2 breakups and this is a hiccup, and that like last times, probably faster the kiddies will be back in the picture.

    And yes, I will send MYSELF a clear message by making a new online profile, on another site than Match. If he asks I will tell him. If not no. I’m sticking to the rules and we will see…. someone’s gotta try it for real, no? in a difficult situation? at least it will be an experience to remember and to learn from for us all here.

    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:06am

  377. 377: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Goddess Lily!

    If JC will keep chasing me and if I can break my pattern of testing my man’s limits by pushing him away as hard as I can . . . we might have a chance.

    JC has made it clear he does not want to date anyone else and he doesn’t want me to either. I have not made him any promisees, but he knows how crazy busy I stay and yet I always make time for him when he asks me out, so he likely knows I’m not dating anyone else.

    What he does not know and what keeps me from letting this go too deep too fast is the knowledge that if GM asked me to spend time with him, I absolutely would. Absolutely, without question. I know myself and I know my heart’s desire. It’s easy for me to tell Siren Angel to be strong and not stay at M’s house, but who am I kidding? I would go stay with GM under any circumstances, just for the opportunity to breathe in my man crack one more time.

    How can I committ myself to JC when I feel this way? When I know it might take YEARS to stop feeling this way? I can’t . . .and that’s ok with me. Time will tell if it is enough for him. He’s been married twice before and I don’t think he is in any big hurry to committ either – hopefully not. I’d really just like to relax and have some fun for a change!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:09am

  378. 378: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    He said he missed me so much, and he held me ALL NIGHT in his arms. No, I am not a booty call. I know what a booty call is and this is NOT it.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:09am

  379. 379: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess – bellydancing and doing a short intense movement (15 step downs each leg) i remember kept my energy up and felt SO good ! as soon as i stopped i remember napping all day…

    there are also diff forms of yoga, and T-tapp has a special section too…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:10am

  380. 380: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay hi brandylion

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:16am

  381. 381: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so excited for my weight to level out somewhere so i can buy a new wardrobe

    i am feeling positively luscious.

    i am dating a ’10′ right now and it’s been a trip. I love that I manifested him but it’s been bringing out a lot of insecurity in me (it’s Warrior).

    I’m embracing it. I will just keep being myself. And striving to be my best self too. And my best self does not involve being down on any part of me.

    I love me sooooooo much.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:21am

  382. 382: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    last night i just puffed out a little “gosh, i feel bummed !” & cd turned his whole body to face me on the couch & said, “baby, what is it ?” & i just said, “awww, nothing, just getting used to being home & relaxing after work…” & he said, “well, just so you know, any time i hear you say, you feel bummed or you feel bad, i turn my entire focus – the entire focus of my being – onto fixing that & making you happy… so please don’t say that unless you actually have a problem” …. i just sat for a second & then grinned & said “ok” ……. then i said, “well, i feel so happy to sit next to you & share with you & play with you : )” & he cuddled up & it felt sweet & i felt more connected & like i “get it” maybe a bit more…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:25am

  383. 383: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I am frustrated with rules stated in black and white when the real world is full of shades of gray– and all the other colors under the sun.
    Rigidity frustrates me…
    I AM a ROCK STAR!!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:29am

  384. 384: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    brandylion,

    i feel a bit curious about the “too busy” for week dates…… just because I hear you saying “too busy” for Relationship in the phrasing of it……….. & i feel curious if maybe you “explained” or presented it differently, you might communicate a “softer” message ? i’m thinking like instead of “aw, it would feel good to meet, but i’m so busy i can only meet up on the weekends, what do you think ?” you could say something like, “aw, it would feel good to meet, but i feel better to get to know dates on my weekend time when i’m feeling more relaxed & fun, what do you think ? ” idk, what do you think?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:33am

  385. 385: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Oo Starla… A new wardrobe would feel fabulous!

    It would feel good to treat myself to something new

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:34am

  386. 386: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    trigger!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:36am

  387. 387: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, let excitement shine through your fear! ((tams fear))

    I can’t help but notice how similar our situations are. Our relationships have always felt similar in lots of ways but it’s spooky both our men have lean forward recently and that were both about to move.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:37am

  388. 388: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    I just treated my car to a new set of designer black stilettos (tires). Lol, pretending they are shoes makes me good about the expense.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:38am

  389. 389: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    376 – Siren Angel – I know we all have reservations, but you have made your decision and now I feel a shift in me – to support you and even envy you a little – you feel like you have a chance to start again with the man you love – he has expressed himself to you and hopefully you have learned something about yourself and your patterns.

    Maybe this time you two will find your way together and stay there. I wish you so much love and blessings! i will be watching and learning from your experience. If presented with an opportunity to try again with GM, I would take it in a heart beat!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:39am

  390. 390: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @149 Lily Medusa – Thanks so much for your thoughts. I feel seen, heard, and important. Thank you. I had the dream in the middle of the night, and woke up from it at about 4 in the morning. I usually need to wake up for work around 6 in the morning.

    I need to clarify that this guy was not my “ex.” I’ve never had an ex, as I’ve never had a real boyfriend. I’ve come extremely close, but I know, deep down, that the reason I haven’t had a real boyfriend by my late twenties is because every time I’ve come close, at the ages of 16, 18, 21, and 24, respectively, I have closed off my heart in fear and anger.

    This guy “almost” asked me out on a real date to see a play, but changed his mind after calling me and hearing my thought-provoking voicemail message. I kid you not.

    I wouldn’t call what I felt in the dream towards him “rage” necessarily. It was more kind of an irritated anger. Like he was in my way or something…

    I think my flying could represent how good I feel in my life right now. Moving forward with my career, taking a class, trying out for a music program that felt really scary, but exciting. I’ve been asked to take leadership positions and to organize functions. I’ve been feeling deeply respected lately.

    But I feel so hungry to feel love and cherished and protected. To be the kind of woman that CAN respect a man.

    It’s almost as though romantic relationships themselves are what feel like my biggest hindrance. It’s the one thing in my life that I can’t seem to see to completion. I just want someone to ask me for a commitment, but it’s like I can’t give a commitment myself (to myself?,) so how can I expect someone to ask me for one?

    I’ve gotten much better at leaning back and sinking into my feminine energy.

    But I love my boy and everything he’s been doing! He’s amazing!

    Hmm…I have a lot to chew on. I feel curious and a little scared. A little relieved and a little excited too. Thank you for your lovely thoughts, Lily Medusa!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:40am

  391. 391: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I know! I felt that similarity also, and am wonderin what will happen with strummingman – when is he coming round, on the weekend?
    Well, I am trying not to get too excited or have expectations, just trying to stay calm…but he has leant forward so much, it is really new for me and a little exciting. Hope it’s not because he feels safe as he is going away….moving away. I do wonder.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:43am

  392. 392: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I have always felt competitive with men.

    Alpha men like it, and find it attractive I can tell. But Alpha men seem more and more scarce these days.

    I feel so attracted to a man who “gets” me, and plays with my little feisty self in verbal banter. I feel so attracted when a guy can shut me up and make me smile and not take myself so seriously.

    I’ve been told that I’m intimidating to a lot of men.

    I don’t know if I want to be with a man who is intimidated by me.

    I don’t want to be intimidating, I want to be inspiring.

    I want a man to be like “Wow. I better pursue the crap out of her until someone else snatches her up!”

    This feels rare, though. But it feels amazing when I can feel that energy from a man…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:47am

  393. 393: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    iamabutterfly,

    i’m feeling really moved reading your processing right now

    i actually just apologized to a co-worker because i felt like my “banter” had crossed a line into full-scale Competitive “against” a man i work with….

    i’m not sure about you, but i notice that with myself it is usually an attempt to “show” the guy that i am “off-limits”…… & there are reasons why i have this fear, but it’s ok for me to let it go now. thank you

    thanks for sharing your thoughts : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:52am

  394. 394: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Him: “Baby, what do you think about x…?”

    Me: “Mmmmmm… I like it when you call me baby. That feels happy to me.”

    Him: Big Smile. “I like you to feel happy.” :)
    Pause…

    Him: “How do you feel about x?”

    :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:09pm

  395. 395: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, he’s coming round Saturday. It feels so great to have him emailing and making plans to get us tea. There is a very slight feeling of weariness coming through, but it feels very faint. I feel confident I will look after my best interests and acknowledge my feelings along the way.

    The part that feels the best is that I feel Ive broken the cycle we were in. It’s true creating distance can inspire a man to chase you again .

    I’ve got scripts up my sleeve to honour my feelings around emailing… I want this to be mixed in with meeting up and phone calls. Only emailing would not serve me right now. Also that when I move I’m going to be open to meeting other people.

    If you have no expectations, it’s less likely to feel disappointing and surprises would feel great!!!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:11pm

  396. 396: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I am feeling quite excited about your situation
    I feel sure that you will handle it well

    SA I can see you leaned back so much and brava for that(not sure i could have).But I feel anxious still.Can you keep doing that? Oh, I hope so! camt comment on the kiddy situ, not qualified as do not have any

    Starla you sound GREAT.Im just feeling curious.Do you feel lack of internet access has “helped” in some way.
    I am a bit of an on line junkie really

    Mizz lamabutterly-I feel raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrh reading your post.Um, thats not a word, but thats what i felt.You are YOU.SHINE!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:12pm

  397. 397: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Love it Mel, it’s all about the ‘feel’!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:13pm

  398. 398: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    alpha men are more likely to “take the bait” when i am “playing that game” & ramp up their “interest” or participation in the conversation — but i notice that in these cases, i “cross lines” & “raise stakes” of the humor to show them i don’t respect them. ouch

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:14pm

  399. 399: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    sorry, I am feeling all disconnected and weird tonight but just to Rebecca if you are still out there

    Cant recall the last time i had a good run

    Really cant

    But it is stil my life glue
    so keep going

    (I am starting a swim the channel challenge in 12 weeks-tis in a pool.Should be a laugh)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:14pm

  400. 400: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso @389,

    Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. I have a good feeling about this one… not a scared in the tummy vibe one. Yes, vulnerable… but imagine all the new FMs I will be able to invent and share! I feel excited just at the thought of it.

    ‘I feel vulnerable in this surrender’

    Ahhh… sounds lovely and feminine!

    One other thing M told me last night is that he loves my femininity and that I am the only one so feminine he has ever met! He says I am the perfect woman and trying to let go was so hard for him… yet I am convinced he would not have changed positions.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:16pm

  401. 401: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yay! I just noticed an area where I have a victim mentality!!! I was just feeling really triggered about these two girls I know and thinking they were being catty, little biotches. And feeling really annoyed about how girls can just be catty in general and telling mr. Man that he doesnt understand because he’s a guy and guys don’t act like that. And basically feeling really triggered and feisty and thinking they were ganging up on me because they are jealous because I’m such a rockstar and and and

    I feel excited that I was able to see my victim mentality and now I don’t know exactly what to do next but awareness of patterns is a great first step.

    Now I guess I will feel my feelings about it.

    I feel pissed. I feel angry. I think they were being catty but I could also totally be taking something personal that wasn’t personal. Maybe their attitudes weren’t even directed towards me? They are both going through some tough times. Maybe that was the energy I was picking up on.

    They didn’t say anything rude to me. It was just weird because normally these two girls don’t even like each other. And now they are all buddy buddy and being snotty towards me?

    Hmmmm, I’ve got some work to do here

    I feel annoyed. I feel annoyed with myself too because I could be imagining all of this. I feel annoyed that I am even giving this any energy when I have so many other things I would like to put my energy into today.

    I know lots of wonderful women. I am loved and appreciated. Awww, I love me. Maybe they are a little jealous. I do have a pretty great life. But they have great lives too. We are all equal. Separation is an illusion. I don’t have to go down that path.

    This is some childhood trauma coming up. I’m a big girl now. Everything is gonna be okay.

    Just be love and this will work itself out.

    Stop giving energy to people you aren’t resonating with and remember all the people you are.

    Ahhhh, yes. And I am about to leave on a fun adventure.

    Let’s put energy into that.

    I know you feel sad little girl. Hugs to you. You are love, you are loved. That cannot be changed. Let’s watch our thoughts and create beauty today.

    What can we do today to nourish you?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:17pm

  402. 402: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @393 bloom-ing – I feel so curious about how you’re reading me. I feel a little sad.

    I remember my mom losing her cool, and my dad, in an attempt to keep peace, “letting her have her way.”

    I never felt like she deserved “her way” when she acted like that. I felt resentment towards dad for letting her have her way.

    I wanted him to rebuke her. I wanted him to put her in her place. To tell her how wrong she was acting.

    Of course, I understand now how wounded she was.

    I understand how wounded he was too.

    But I’ve always wanted a man who wouldn’t shy away from standing up to me. I feel fear becoming like my mother, losing my cool about something that’s not really important. I feel fearful of a weak man who will let me lose my temper in front of my children, who will let me verbally abuse my children, when they’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

    I feel so teary…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:17pm

  403. 403: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile that sounds great!! Breaking the cycle!!! Feels like MrP and I have also..and he did most of it, I just stepped back. Still have major reservations, his sporadicness is one of them. But I see now that he only contacts when he has something to say, some news or a question. I can’t expect an alpha male (Marlborough man) with few words, to start behaving like a woman.
    So I don’t anymore! :)

    Ruth thank you!! :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:17pm

  404. 404: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    395 Smile

    I feel all warm at the mention of “tea”

    thats what I call it too and I feel connected
    I feel curious to hear the sound of your voice-do you have a Northern accent

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:17pm

  405. 405: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, i “swam the channel” at the ymca when i was little : ))) i thought it felt fun & i felt really strong…. that was the first time i started to “exercise” outside of school & sports & i finally felt like a real human : )) i feel so scared when i’m about to do a physical challenge & there are other people who “care” “how” i do……. kind of shut down – like, ok, well, better to get eaten by lions than laughed at lol….

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:18pm

  406. 406: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, Smile, me too. I love ‘tea’ – it makes me miss the UK and my bestest friend ever, in Wales, who calls lunch ‘dinner’ and dinner ‘tea’. Oooh, love her!! Nostalgia

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:19pm

  407. 407: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I guess I want to test the men who show interest in me. Now that I think about it, I used to do it all the time.

    I would push every button I saw.

    I only fall for men who I feel are strong enough for me. If I feel like the stronger one, I can’t respect that. I need to respect my man, and I know he needs to feel that respect too.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:21pm

  408. 408: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    What can we do to nourish me?

    Find something really yummy to eat. I feel so hungry and nothing sounds appetizing.

    That’s my mission for now, it find something deliscious to eat. Mmmm, I’m getting some ideas.

    Raw lemon cheesecake. Holy cow. I don’t normally eat sweets but this sounds amazing right now.

    And it’s got healthy sugars so I won’t feel crappy afterwards!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:22pm

  409. 409: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    401
    LG

    you dont sound like a victim to me at all actually

    You sound like an astute woman in control who wont let silly catty biatches get to her

    If i were a cat I would swish my big tail in approval!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:22pm

  410. 410: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Lama, I get that. I need a strong man too, one whom I can admire a little and respect. It’s not easy to find :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:22pm

  411. 411: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    ug, I feel frustrated and tight in my chest. Mom didn’t respect Dad. Dad didn’t love Mom. What a vicious cycle.

    I REALLY struggle with respecting men.

    I feel like I can do anything they can (with the exception of strong muscle-type-things, logical things, mathematical things, directions.)

    I hate that stereo-type, but I really would like a man who can handle these areas since I am weak in them.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:24pm

  412. 412: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    uhoh i was feeling sooo hungry and i canceled on my firend here when she said we werent going somewhere whwere we can eat and then explained over text and now i called And texted her again and now i feel … vulnerable

    and also i felt pist that they would select a place to go with no food knowing that i like food out and i felt mad actually super mad about that cuz i was hungry and had planned my meal around going out

    but now i ate a lil bit and am feeling more calm and am feeling scared taht i was ‘a bitch’ by saying im not going and

    just feeling all panicked and like i dont deserve/ cant handle friends and

    still feeling both resentful AND worried

    and blah

    i can just sidestep this and keep doing fun things

    ‘i dont need anyone’

    i dont want to be without anyone

    mmmffhmm

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:27pm

  413. 413: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel fear that I won’t be loved when my horribleness comes out. When my rage comes out. When my crazy comes out.

    What evidence do I have that I won’t be loved?

    I’ve never let anyone get that close to me…to see the horrible, the rage, the crazy…

    What if he found it fascinating? Beautiful? Something to work with? Something to channel?

    Now I feel really sad again.

    I feel seperate from the little girl inside me. I feel like a grown woman, greiving for the little girl.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:28pm

  414. 414: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    400 SA – That’s what a Siren is for . . . To beg you not to jump off the cliff, but once you do . . . yell, “Swim, Swim, Swim” . . . lol. It’s not like you can turn back now – go for it with everything you’ve got and be his SIREN – the man doesn’t stand a chance! Enjoy this time ~

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:28pm

  415. 415: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    uhoh i was feeling sooo hungry and i canceled on my firend here when she said we werent going somewhere whwere we can eat and then explained over text and now i called And texted her again and now i feel … vulnerable

    and also i felt pist that they would select a place to go with no food knowing that i like food out and i felt mad actually super mad about that cuz i was hungry and had planned my meal around going out

    but now i ate a lil bit and am feeling more calm and am feeling scared taht i was ‘a bit*ch’ by saying im not going and

    just feeling all panicked and like i dont deserve/ cant handle friends and

    still feeling both resentful AND worried

    and blah

    i can just sidestep this and keep doing fun things

    ‘i dont need anyone’

    i dont want to be without anyone

    mmmffhmm

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:28pm

  416. 416: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling better, less triggered, more focused on how I can care for myself.

    This feels way better.

    I’ve been eating really well lately but I think I might need even more calories, especially after I have band practice because I expend so much energy playing.

    And then I get really sensitive when I am hungry.

    Okay body, I got the message. Thank you for communicating with me. I will put more energy in eating healthy foods. I’ve been doing great but it can get even better.

    I feel a deep breath exhale and a smile creeping on my face.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:28pm

  417. 417: MelNo Gravatar says:

    We were at the grocery store, buying a few essentials and I slipped a yummy chocolate bar in at the till. I flashed a little smile and he laughed.

    The cashier said “I didn’t see anything…” to him (as she scanned it through). So I put another one on the till. He said “sharing?” I said: “Nope. (huge smile) … one for now and one for later.”

    Some other customer said: “You better be real good and maybe you’ll be lucky.” He said “I just AM lucky” and gave me a kiss.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:29pm

  418. 418: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    she texted back shes not mad. i feel relieved. theyre already out tho… dang it woulda felt fun to go out with them after all. but i got the impression tehy were going to a dance club and now it seems theyre just out for a juice… so not as much CD possibility anyway :)

    im feeling more calm

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:33pm

  419. 419: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing

    Big smile
    I feel happy reading that
    People always thought i *couldnt* do stuff either
    I am not frail

    I am strong
    I FEEL strong
    :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:34pm

  420. 420: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Oh heck, i cant keep up!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:34pm

  421. 421: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol at Calypso. I agree with Calypso. Sounds like you have a plan now SA. Go for it!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:35pm

  422. 422: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And I also realize that I feel triggered because I am not expressing my boundary with the band because I have a really complicated part and I have been having to play by myself lately because one guy got kicked out/quit and the other girl hasn’t been coming to practice lately, so I have a lot to cover and it feels physically exhausting. It also feels awesome. I feel kinda rockstar-ish because I am holding down such a complex part on my own, but I need some support. Or I need to start training and build up my physical stamina. I feel unsure of what the answer is just yet, but I’m starting to realize I might need some help.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:36pm

  423. 423: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    412
    Miz butterfly

    There is this quotation i cant quite recall but it goes something along thr lines of that we are more afraid of our shining light/success than of failure

    Is that you?

    Believe—

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:37pm

  424. 424: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And more calories to support all this physical exertion.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:37pm

  425. 425: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ruth. That made me smile. I feel hugged and loved. Thank you.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:38pm

  426. 426: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I am roasting sone potatoes and red onions and tomatoes and peeprs in a little olive oil
    I also wanted to eat well

    But, I am not sure if i can be bothered to eat
    GAH, so i will be chewing table legs tomorrow and eating rubbish if I dont

    Stupid head!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:41pm

  427. 427: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I just had this realization about this way younger guy who is clearly into me.

    I am a powerful woman.
    His mom is a powerful woman.

    Like, to the point where I feel like she wears the pants in her marriage. She seriously does everything but bring home the bacon.

    She makes all the decisions for the family. organizes everything. Is the speaker of the family.

    I don’t want to be that.
    It frustrates me that this younger guy NEVER rows the boat.
    I want to be the feminine energy partner.

    How can I change this, without changing who I am?

    Can I love who I am now?
    Can I love a different, more feminine version of me?

    I feel confused…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:41pm

  428. 428: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((iamabutterfly)))) i think you sound love-ly

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:41pm

  429. 429: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    424 LG
    I feel intrigued

    what kind of a band do you play in?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:42pm

  430. 430: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    LB
    Boy oh boy, I know what you are saying here

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:44pm

  431. 431: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Lama

    Just a thought, and i amy be *way* off beam here
    But part of my wanting to be in control and organise things and be in boy energy and be strong stems from a massive need to be a prefectionist
    Which may just be me, but may also have roots in never feeling *good enough*, however successful i was

    Not sure if this is relevant, just putting it out there

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:47pm

  432. 432: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, when i don’t feel like it, i don’t make myself eat dinner. i just cover up the plate well & wake super early & have a triple extra good breakfast & i love it & i feel so good to eat lots of food first thing in the morning : )) waking hungry feels good to me (but i do make sure i’m up extra early if i skip so i can catch it before the low blood sugar…)

    the flip side for me is if i eat & then sleep too soon, my body stops trying to digest while i sleep & i feel sick in the morning : ( so better i say to eat happily tomorrow than forcibly today lol

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:49pm

  433. 433: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    guess what Daria did for me!!!! she washed my HAIRRRRRR

    yayyyyy :)

    no wonder i feel so fresh and breathably expansive

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:50pm

  434. 434: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i was in therapy for a few years for “ocd”…. & i remember the poor lady asking me over & over “why ?” & every time i would try telling her….. how the world looked like Geometry to me, & i really really did not want the whole thing to “fall apart” because *i* could not figure out a way to be a “perfect” 90-degree angle.

    turns out, there is room for everyone

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:52pm

  435. 435: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:52pm

  436. 436: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ruth, I play in a funky, percussion, hip hop band. It’s kinda like a marching band but we actually don’t do that much marching. It’s kinda hard to describe. We also have an electronic element and have lots of guest MC’s.

    I play a big bass drum that I have strapped to my hips. Its really fun and physically and mentally challenging. We aren’t super big or anything but have become pretty popular in my area.

    It feels really fun to be a part of.

    I realized though, through my process that a lot of my anger and frustration has to do more with not taking care of myself and expressing my needs within the band, more than about those catty

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:53pm

  437. 437: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    laughing goddess…..

    lol i have been drafting responses in my head to you for days & days now…………………………………

    & i still can’t quite “do it” lol….. maybe later. i’d feel good to express myself & connect with you.

    : )

    (((laughing goddess))) thanks!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:56pm

  438. 438: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow so this guy ive been dodging on skype is freakin HOT
    hehe

    my eeys feel teary

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:57pm

  439. 439: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    434 thats the one lama
    :)

    I feel good reading it again

    thank you Bloom-ing

    I have had food issues all ways so regualr meals would be better for me as i dont pick up body cues so well any motre

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:58pm

  440. 440: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @430 ruth – oh, absolutely. I used to be a perfectionist, but it was too difficult, so I gave up.

    I’d rather be real, I’d rather be genuine.

    but I do feel good being in boy energy.
    You have to be in boy energy sometimes, even in marriage.

    how do I feel in girl energy?

    I feel impatient sometimes.
    Sometimes I feel lazy.

    I’ve also felt good being in girl energy though.
    I feel melty and stress-less and carefree in girl energy.

    It just kind of makes me feel mad though, how guys give you all this attention for doing nothing?

    For just being?

    Why do I feel angry about that kind of attention?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:58pm

  441. 441: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Angel the comments about last night sounds like he is invested. I know each situation is different and you are in it. I can only encourage you to stand by yourself and pay attention to your intuition.

    I know of coaches who suggest taking risks when the man is invested. One risk is stepping away from him. Sorry to say it but the hugging the pillow conversation reminded me of Eat, Pray, Love where the author suggests we use each other to scratch an itch. I see your situation as a crisis that he is rescuing you from not one where he missed you so badly that he collapsed on himself and came on bended knees. However, what you wrote suggests that his energy is coming towards you so I can only wish you the best and hope it all works out. However, just because he did not use the “friend” word does not mean he is not thinking it. If he brings up the conversation again I would want to know what he sees for us. Particularly if there is no sex.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 12:59pm

  442. 442: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    i feel guilty that other girls don’t get attention.
    I feel guilty that my boy doesn’t get attention.

    yuck, this doesn’t feel good.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:00pm

  443. 443: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Blooming: whenever you’re ready, I feel open…a little scared but mostly open. :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:00pm

  444. 444: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    gosh i feel

    laughing goddess, i feel actually super amused because for the life of me, i cannot STOP. wanting to “explain” a few things to you……. LOL & it has me really crxcking up…… “because” — i can kind of feel my Warrior energy like….. “sharpening my weapons” lol & i super don’t want to “go to battle” “against” you at all. not only because you explicitly requested it, but because it feels like “exactly what we were talking about” lol…. anywayz…. shy smile : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:00pm

  445. 445: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    LG, that sounds fab
    are you on facebok or u tube or something?

    I used to do music when i was a *lot* younger

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:01pm

  446. 446: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really triggered. I have this belief that men in history have been more valued than women.

    I feel triggered by men feeling resentful of women.

    because “women have it so easy.”

    Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
    Strong inside but you don’t know it,
    good little girls they never show it.
    When you open up your mouth to speak, could you be a little weak?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:02pm

  447. 447: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    and now men are resentful of women because “we’re doing everything.”

    and women feel resentful of men because “they don’t do anything.”

    Where is all this resentment coming from?

    Why does there have to be roles?

    Why can’t we just be who we naturally are?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:03pm

  448. 448: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Men don’t feel needed. Women feel exhausted.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:04pm

  449. 449: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ha ha, Dinner and tea! That’s me!

    I have a northern accent! Cross between Cheshire and Manchester- really I’m a posher speaking mancunian. sometimes a slight slight scouse twang comes out lol!

    He he, tam I imagine your accent to be jumbled up lol! What’s yours like Ruth?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:04pm

  450. 450: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    oh, gosh, feel a bit embarrassed, as even that sounds a bit……………………………… “sharp” to me. sorry, lg – i’m trying !

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:05pm

  451. 451: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Lama

    I am in boy energy for a LOT of the time
    Not just work, though I do have to be there
    Unless its quiet and then i can just laugh and joke and be *me* with my patients

    but sometimes it does feel as though being in boy energy holds me together

    Im not so good at letting go control
    I dont think letting go of control is a bad thing, not at all, but it sometimes feels unsafe
    And so much of my life has been in flux over the last fe years that sometimes I cling to control as a life raft

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:06pm

  452. 452: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    why can’t we just switch hats all the time and just go with what feels natural? with whatever keeps us happy?

    Ug, I hate this.

    I don’t know why I feel so annoyed and angry at assumed roles, at men not filling their “presumed” role, at women “overstepping their bounds.”

    This feels so gross.

    I always feel so angry when I see women “taking charge” in relationships, and I feel angry because I feel like THEY are the ones who win!

    Not me. Not me who desperately longs for the man to take charge. I always lose!

    I feel angry and sad.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:06pm

  453. 453: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I had never thought of it in this way until a couple of moths ago when i discovered Roris stuff9actually, i got CC stuff first)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:07pm

  454. 454: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, 425 less of the stupid head! 

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:08pm

  455. 455: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    iamabutterfly,

    “why can’t we just switch hats all the time and just go with what feels natural? with whatever keeps us happy?”

    that’s how i imagine “The Dance” that Rori talks about : ) back & forth & back & forth & switch up the tempo ! how fun !!!!!!!!!!

    i have a big man in me, a mischievous boy, a sweet, shy girl, & a silent woman : ) they get along…. pretty well. things could be better, but ! dance !!!! lol

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:11pm

  456. 456: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    woman: “you’re not doing it, RIGHT.”
    man thinks: “okay, so I won’t do it at all.”

    woman says: “thank you.”
    man feels validated, does more.

    EWWWW

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:11pm

  457. 457: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    451 lamabutterfly

    I totally felt like this at first. Now I feel differently. I managed to have a 10 year relationship being totally in boy energy. However it didn’t give me the connected relationship I’m looking for. I only realise that now. That’s why I’m here.

    Also I have discovered that I use to view woman with strong boundaries as in masculine energy. This perception of mine feels alien now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:14pm

  458. 458: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Why do I feel so furious about these roles?

    I think I know why.

    It’s like, EVERYTHING FALLS ON THE WOMAN.

    IT DOES!!

    What she does or doesn’t do determines everything!

    It’s like…he gets to be the one to just “do what he’s doing.”

    he’s just doing what he’s doing.

    YOU’RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:14pm

  459. 459: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm maybe he was tryna scam me for a cross country invitation

    bad move cute man bad move

    how u gonna scam a 3rd world girl

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:16pm

  460. 460: TamNo Gravatar says:

    448..ooooh Smile, I’d love to hear you speak.
    My accent, well, mad basically, not German (apparently). When I first moved to the Channel Islands after having been in Wales, people thought I was Welsh..haha..but I lost that again and now I just sound weird apparently, nobody knows where I am from, Americans think I am British, Brits think I am ‘maybe’ British but not from their parts…so I have no idea what I sound like!
    I am just a mix, me.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:17pm

  461. 461: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I want to just be who I am and do what I do and feel what I feel and I don’t want to be told what to do!

    I feel like I’ve been told what to do my whole life, and I’m so sick of it!

    I want to DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!

    and now I feel embarassed because I feel like I sound like a spoiled brat.

    I CRAVE AUTONOMY

    but I also CRAVE Relationship!

    I feel like the two can’t go hand in hand?

    There’s all this dependence and switching hats and waiting around and boy and girl energy and it just feels exhausting!

    We are never get back together.

    Like ever.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:18pm

  462. 462: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    447

    yes lama

    I do *get* that

    But it isnt always like that

    Mostly, its my experience too
    But sometimes i am surprised
    Hm, I dunno, maybe we are just trying too hard

    I dont like the idea of roles either

    I really dont
    It feels like it ought to come naturally

    Hm

    Need to think

    I would like everyone to be on an even level in my team , but that does not always happen and there is conflict.Ok, this is work related, but there is a bit of overlap.When it works for a woman and a man, you can vary the roles, no? Would have to be a *very* solid relationship , no?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:18pm

  463. 463: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe i just got confused and he jsut wants to see me tho

    but he has to make it happen on his own

    sigh

    i want the ones who make it happen on their own!

    i might be scared of those

    also that 3rd world girl thing is a superiority complex

    which is also a victim mentality complex

    a separation complex

    i want to heal this

    and get even MORE POWER AND SELF ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH than i have by using this complex as a cover

    thanks

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:19pm

  464. 464: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    She’s just being who SHE is! Dang, that feels empowering!

    Why do I feel so triggered by “He’s just being who he is?”

    is who he is not enough?

    I am enough!

    I’m awesome!

    Maybe it’s the stupid men who need to change!

    EVER THINK OF THAT!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:20pm

  465. 465: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ..there was a funny moment when MrP said we go to watch the Hockey, except he said ‘Hackey’….nice American pronounciation. And I sat in the car saying quietly to myself ‘Hockey, Hackey, Hockey…hmmm..but it has an ‘o’ in it’ and then he said ‘ ‘Hockey’ then’ . And I laughed a lot.
    I LOVE language and accents…looooove it.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:20pm

  466. 466: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, apologies
    The stupid head has a nice tidy hairdo tonight as ive been to the hairdresser.Wel, i t will last till my next run LOL

    No idea what accent i have now
    18 years in Yorkshire, 13 in London, 8 in wales, 6 in the Black countroi and now back in wales
    G*d knows!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:21pm

  467. 467: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    463
    Right on butterfly

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:23pm

  468. 468: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    he is saying he does not want to scam me he knows romania is a poor country w poor people

    i feel all smily

    more victim complex

    heal heal

    i want all the self esteem i get from my complexes Without the complexes

    and i dont want to have to cut off all teh people i know from my life !

    i feel pfff breathe out

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:23pm

  469. 469: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry because of the advice out there for men being so much simpler than the advice out there for women.

    It’s like, men just need to do specific action-oriented things and BAM results.

    but women have to heal themselves psychologically and practically have a degree in psychology and help the men heal through healing themselves, and dang, why can’t a girl get some help around here?

    I feel like God is the ultimate Help for girl.
    Woman was created to be a Helper for Man.

    Did you know that Helper describes what God does for man in the Bible?

    So woman does have a god-like role for man.

    Being a godess to a man feels scary.

    It feels like a huge responsibility.

    I feel sad.

    Ug and tense.

    Tense and sad.

    I hate feeling tense and sad and angry and confused!

    Huff.
    PUff.
    poo.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:24pm

  470. 470: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    he was probably not tryna scam me

    hmmm sigh

    healing judgements and fears and all that stuff

    babysteps

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:27pm

  471. 471: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    and now I feel curious about this relationship of fear and anger.

    Do they always go hand in hand?

    UG.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:27pm

  472. 472: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Tomorrow I take my 20 year old to the Children’s Hospital a couple of hours from home to have his Bone Marrow tested. He has been taking Chemo for Childhood Leukemia for 2 1/2 years. If he is clear tomorrow, he gets to stop taking the chemo and I am terrified! I have a sense of reasurance when he is taking his meds . . . the Leukemia can’t come back and no other ugly form of Cancer is likely to crop up, but once he stops . . . every time we go get his blood checked (monthly for the next 5 years!), I am going to feel a panic in my chest. Being the single Mother of 3 young men is tough . . . doing it with Feminine Energy is tougher . . . I need my Boy Energy for so much!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:27pm

  473. 473: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I hate how all the girls who were “right after me” look at me, treat me, and respond to me.

    It’s like they want to protect their stupid husbands who rejected me. Or like they feel threatened by me.

    THEY SHOULD FEEL THREATENED.

    I FEEL SO ANGRY!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:29pm

  474. 474: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Jeepers, he emailed again..hehe

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:30pm

  475. 475: TamNo Gravatar says:

    471….oooh Calypso..good luck with that!!!!
    ((((Calypsos son))))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:31pm

  476. 476: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @471 Calypso – Oh, sweetie I feel so humbled. Bless you. Perspective. ((((Calypso)))) You’re amazing!

    I will pray for you!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:32pm

  477. 477: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    He Ruth, there’s some strong accents in there lol. I bet I could tell you if I heard you.

    Oo it would feel lovely to have a haircut. Mines gotten soo long!

    Tam, do you pick accents up easily? I’m picking up other people’s accents from work at the minute. Soon you’ll sound American!

    Tam you should get a gravatar! 

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:33pm

  478. 478: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I will try again , fliing net connection
    457

    lama
    the fact that it all “falls on” the woman feels EMPOWERING to me
    I read that as the woman having a choice and control of the outcome

    Now okay, Im not so good at applying the stuff in real life, but i an totally signed up to the concept

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:34pm

  479. 479: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, yes I could get a gravatar but I don’t want people to start recognising me as I have talked too much already…hehe.
    Are you on Siren Island?
    You should get on there, if not….we can all see each other/photos etc. It’s a secret group so feels safe from prying eyes ;)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:35pm

  480. 480: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, yey

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:35pm

  481. 481: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – Read this. It may help with your feelings of frustration.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart

    As for fear and anger, these are my thoughts. There are only two emotions, love and fear. Under any good feeling emotions is love. Under any bad feeling emotions is fear. So under anger is fear.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:37pm

  482. 482: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @454 bloom-ing – I love that. Thanks. Feels calming.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:38pm

  483. 483: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, no I’m not on siren island. Hm I feel weary as to how secret? It would feel nice to be a part of it though!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:38pm

  484. 484: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    471 Calypso-I wish you and your son all the best tomorrow

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:38pm

  485. 485: MelNo Gravatar says:

    457: iamabutterfly

    What she does or doesn’t do determines everything!

    It’s like…he gets to be the one to just “do what he’s doing.”

    For me, I don’t really see ‘roles’ so much as I see energy. Both partners just ‘do what they’re doing’ and we respond to the energy that the ‘doing’ gives off.

    Like, if he’s got a negative, grumpy energy… I can choose to respond by trying to “change” his energy, or I can choose to move toward some more positive energy. I prefer the latter. I’m just doing what I’m doing (choosing happiness) despite his mood.

    If I’m feeling all disconnected and lonely and like my energy circuit’s broken, I can choose to spit out sparks and likely keep my partner away… or I can choose to mend the disconnect within myself. I can choose to take that reaching, chasing, grabbing energy and give it back to myself so that I can re-balance my power-supply. Spewed sparks are wasted energy.

    I’m not feeling sure if this is making much sense… but mostly, what I’m getting at is that it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, each action (choice) will have a corresponding reaction. And you make those choices based on your ‘best’ in any given moment.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:39pm

  486. 486: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Wait, theres a siren fb and a siren island? I’m feeling a bit uninformed.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:40pm

  487. 487: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Dominique.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:41pm

  488. 488: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Rambling like a good un tonight, but hey what the h*ll
    To me the boy energy is ll bout doing and sorting stuff out
    Now the girl energy *should* feel relaxing.but it seems so hard to do!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:44pm

  489. 489: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove, maybe you feel to explain about Siren Island and invite people if you like?
    I don’t feel ‘qualified’.. :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:45pm

  490. 490: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    okay, so now I’m thinking about younger guy’s mom. I love her, and she doesn’t seem masculine at all. She’s very feminine.

    but then, her husband doesn’t seem masculine, either.

    I guess I’m just feel scared of being in an exhausting marriage.

    but all great relationships take great work don’t they?

    including and especially the relationship with ourselves?

    it feels better to think of it like that…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:47pm

  491. 491: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    a hot shower would feel great. mmm…and a nap. and some tea with honey. and music.

    I want to sink into those relaxing feelings of loveliness.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:49pm

  492. 492: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the hugs and prayers, Sirens. between my baby going away to USMC Boot Camp for 3 months (he leaves in 6 days and we will have zero contact other than letters for 3 months) and my middle son getting his bone marrow test and my oldest son being away for 2 weeks with work, I’m feeling a little lost right now. I have been cooking a lot of comfort food for myself and the boys . . . not sure what else to do. Breathe . . . eat . . . repeat ~

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:49pm

  493. 493: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    PMS feels like a good little booger to blame for my “freak out.”

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:50pm

  494. 494: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel like a cheater because i’m going out with a new guy tonight and not warriorcd

    and i think i’m going to really like this new guy.

    just wanted to share.

    i’m still going to go. we’re not exclusive and i can do what i want.

    i think it’s just a sign i’m spending too much time with one and need to get my rotation back up.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:52pm

  495. 495: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – The relationship with self can be difficult. The relationship stuff is the easy part.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:53pm

  496. 496: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm..now he is saying that he wants to keep a property in Florida, even when moving away..interesting.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 1:58pm

  497. 497: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Smle, I am feeling really bad that I missed you post about didsbury
    I do not really know mank
    I just seem to go there a lot for races and conferences, in fact am there again in October

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:01pm

  498. 498: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Not on Siren island either
    um, every time I think that I feel triggered

    Anyway
    might treat myself to an earlier night tonight

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:04pm

  499. 499: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    it’s okay i’m not on siren island on fb either:)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:05pm

  500. 500: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth you want to be?
    It’s just a case of Radlove adding you, if you are on fb…I think. I don’t know who does what but that’s how I got on. It’s really nice to see everyone though.
    I wish someone who knew how the ‘proper adding procedure’ is, would comment..urgh.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:07pm

  501. 501: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    it just triggers stuff about not being included for me and i feel yucky
    Really thought i had dealt with this issue but clearly not

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:08pm

  502. 502: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, not the first time this has come up and been ignored
    Feel sh&ty, but clearly this is my issue
    urgh
    hate feeling as though i do not belong
    It is incredibly triggering for me

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:14pm

  503. 503: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Right
    off before i start posting inappropriate stuff
    :(

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:17pm

  504. 504: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((ruth))))))))) i noticed that i was actually excluding myself from joining the siren fb…. just to avoid the feeling of “being excluded” – so that i could feel i was “making a choice”…. & actually i enjoy the siren page i created : ) i made a separate profile & i use it more than my “real” one : ) lol

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:18pm

  505. 505: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thr same way ruth. I try not to feel that way but it happens all the time with my friends.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:20pm

  506. 506: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    aww ruth… i def want u on siren island. im not an admin but one will show up soon and see you want to be on there and add you. maybe i will ask to be an admin, even tho now i feel scared to do that – my stuff hehe

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:21pm

  507. 507: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i suddenly just felt really really proud of myself for joining a sorority & going through Rush in college. that is SUPER uncharacteristic of me. pats self on the back. hooray, little girl.

    & actually i’m feeling amused & foggy…. my “most likely” in high school was “most likely to join a fraternity” LOL……. & i just started to “analyze” myself, with an eye sharpened for “criticism” mode, & realized i don’t have to give that a bunch of “meaning”

    i can just say, that was. that happened. moving on

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:24pm

  508. 508: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    TY
    Massivee, massive trigger for me that goes way way back to childhood and feeling “different”.I never “fitted in” and it feels as though i dont here
    GAH, I thought i had dealt with this one

    it should not bloody matter to me

    Now i feel angry(with myself for even caring about it)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:25pm

  509. 509: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    my period was coming every few months, then every 35 days, then every 29, and now every 28:)

    Changing my diet and exercising regularly has changed my life.

    I feel soooooo happy.

    My whole life is turned around.

    And I haven’t had any ‘psycho’ fits before my period either in a while.

    Life just gets better and better

    I am so in love (with myself and with life)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:27pm

  510. 510: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((Ruth)))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:28pm

  511. 511: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I shall stop being so f***** silly and get ready for bed

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:29pm

  512. 512: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    ” The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.”

    SA this is exactly what i mean about how we talk ourselves into accepting things. He did it in January , AND? How successful was it to getting your ever after??
    He is repeating a pattern , just as Lauren says above.

    And the way you are seeing his possibilities, seems like its his potential, not his actual that you want.
    If you dont want a partial togetherness which is not inclusive of family and in which you are the sexy secret friend, then its not the relationship you want.

    If you want the whole shebang then that is his potential you are in love with and so his pattern is to approach it then run in the opposite direction as soon as the hurdle appears.

    This is out of concern for ((((you.)))))
    I was the queen of hopeful loyalty once upon a time .

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:33pm

  513. 513: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    love to you, ruth. i <3 your triggers

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:33pm

  514. 514: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    RUTH – I have been on the blog quite a while and just joined the FB group 2 weeks ago. The ASIrens don’t usually make a big deal of inviting people to join since it is so important that it stay private . . . once you are on the blog and reading it daily for long enough, you wills ee mention of it, like you did today and if you ask, you can be added. Not everyone who is on the blog is on Siren Island. I know you a recognizing it as YOUR own trigger, but take it from me and let it go . . . an Admin will see your interst and tell you how to be added. See you there :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:33pm

  515. 515: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Urgh
    I supose the siren thing to do would be to feel my feelings(which i have been doing -yuck) and then to express them here in feeling messages
    Um, But i dont feel *heard*

    Guess i could write it all down in my journal

    yep

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:38pm

  516. 516: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for your input calypso

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:43pm

  517. 517: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    What’s up Ruth Hugs.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:45pm

  518. 518: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Whats the difference between siren island, fb, and here?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:51pm

  519. 519: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Annie it feels horrible to hear of a separate group *repeatedly *on here where people share stuff
    but some are excluded
    Accept this is a big trigger for me-it really is-and on that note i will bid you good night before i get any more upset and say stuff i will regret tomorrow

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:52pm

  520. 520: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ruth – no one is excluded from this group. all sirens are welcome. its just a matter of getting added.

    the triggers stuff… i have it too… majorly

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:54pm

  521. 521: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    @517 – From what I have seen, the difference is that we live by FB rules on SIren Island . . . not Blog rules and you will see the Sirens (Many of them) real names and pictures and you can friend them on FB and see their lives . . . You can post pics there, etc.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:54pm

  522. 522: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Goddess Lily – well on the FB its possible to post pictures and other such stuff … but its pretty much like a Siren group just all of us – any who want to be! no exclusions – from the blog

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:55pm

  523. 523: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    (((ruth)))

    I understand your feelings completely but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not part if the group either. :-/

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:55pm

  524. 524: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ouch

    sidestepping

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:57pm

  525. 525: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    4 more minutes until I leave work and I’m stalking my FB Chat Box to see if GM’s green light will light up . . . lol – I embrace my inner stalker, no matter how pitiful she is ~

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:57pm

  526. 526: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – email me at mishy0811@hotmail.com and I’ll add you. :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 2:58pm

  527. 527: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso @413,

    “400 SA – That’s what a Siren is for . . . To beg you not to jump off the cliff, but once you do . . . yell, “Swim, Swim, Swim” . . . lol. It’s not like you can turn back now – go for it with everything you’ve got and be his SIREN – the man doesn’t stand a chance! Enjoy this time ~”

    Awww… thank you Calypso! ;-) Yes, I know this means I have to be even more of a Siren! :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:00pm

  528. 528: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    no one is deliberately excluded:)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:01pm

  529. 529: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    Actually, I should have said that anyone who’s interested can send me an email. I’m almost at work so might not be able to add you straight away but I will reply to your email.

    Yay! More sirens to meet “face to face”! :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:02pm

  530. 530: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman,

    Thank you. You are so wise, and yes I feel he is invested in this and has not ‘let go’ yet and doesn’t really want to, but will for the kids no matter what UNLESS something can change with the kids. The only way here is to build. Yes, there will be more sex, but only if it is exclusive. This was made very clear. And I reserve the right to date other men right now as marriage is not on the table. I have a big heart and I love him but I know I want a house on this island and a big rock on my finger.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:03pm

  531. 531: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i can take this as a sign to tap on my getting left out of stuff feelings

    sigh

    i dont want to tap

    i already stirred myeslf up so much tapping on my fear of speaking up against getting shamed

    hmhmmh

    i want to do a stretch instead

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:03pm

  532. 532: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Now I feel triggered…why does he ask me my opinion on moving away and keeping a property in Florida?
    It feels bad to me to ‘advise’ him on moving away, as it’s sad he is moving.
    All this getting close and then moving away, urgh, it just triggers me, like ‘what’s the point?’

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:04pm

  533. 533: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am one of the few who chose not to join the fb group for more reasons than one. I chose to not feel left out.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:10pm

  534. 534: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    One of our biggest challenges occurs when someone we love attacks us for feeling or doing something that we did not feel or do – something that is likely a projection of their own self-abandonment. The challenge is not to argue or defend, but to feel your sadness, loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness with deep compassion for yourself, for a long as it takes for the feelings to release. ”

    wow this is what im processing

    sigh pff

    rolls eyes

    still processing after 8 months

    i feel frustrated

    i feel guilty

    im missing out on being there for the kids! – this isnt true im in romania

    last year i wasnt there for the kids and i wasnt feeling all this

    hmmm

    more guilty

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:11pm

  535. 535: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam maybe just tell him you feel triggered by the question and maybe a male buddy will feel comfortable advising him.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:11pm

  536. 536: TamNo Gravatar says:

    534..mmmh, FW, thank you. I see it just as a way to make contact, he was asking stuff that led on from the previous email. He doesn’t know that I don’t like discussing his impending move away…I just hope this isn’t all he will talk about.
    Yes, best to ‘nip it in the bud’ now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:14pm

  537. 537: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I would Tam. It also feels like leaning back to take your focus away from his business. He is a big boy and I feel confident can make his decisions wisely.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:16pm

  538. 538: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Some researchers, such as Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of “The Biology of Belief,” State that 90% of illness is stress-related. Loneliness is a huge stress. We are social beings – not meant to live alone. Yet our society is geared to create loneliness rather than connection and community.

    While loneliness is a huge stress, there are also many challenges when it comes to living with others. Here is what I often hear from my clients:

    “I’d rather live alone than live with a controlling person. And I can’t find anyone who is not needy and controlling.”

    “Every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling hurt in one way or another. This seems more stressful to me than living alone.”

    “The pain of loss is too great. I’d rather not risk it.”

    “I do fine alone, but as soon as I’m in a relationship, I give myself up.”

    “Relationships are too hard and stressful. I’d rather be alone.”

    What’s The Answer?

    Living alone and being lonely is stressful, and often living with someone else is stressful.

    The answer lies in being open to learning about loving yourself. If it is more loving to yourself and much less stressful for you to be alone, and loneliness is not a huge issue for you, then living alone may be in your highest good. But if loneliness is painful for you, then being open to learning about how to take loving care of yourself within relationships is likely what is loving to you.

    Relationships offer an incredible arena for personal and spiritual growth. They trigger every unresolved and unhealed issue – fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of engulfment, fear of conflict, fear of intimacy. This is why relationships are stressful – they challenge us to deal with our deepest fears. And, in accepting this challenge, we learn and grow.

    However, many people are just as lonely in a relationship as in being alone – if not even more so. When people choose to protect against their fears rather than learn from them, and when they choose to try to control others rather than learn to be loving to themselves and others, it can be very lonely for both partners.

    In the town of Roseto, mentioned above, the one thing that creates the lack of heart attacks is CARING. In Roseto, the people care about each other. They look out for each other. They support each other and take care of those who need caregiving. They accept each other.

    They don’t have heart attacks because they feel safe, and the sense of safety takes away the stress that causes illness. They know that they will never be on the streets starving. They know they will never be ill and left alone to fend for themselves. They have each others’ backs.

    What would you give to know that the people around you and in your community have your back? And that you have theirs.

    This caring about each other is what is missing in much of our society, both within our primary relationships and within our communities. Without this caring, we don’t feel safe. Even if we are good at taking care of ourselves, we still need to know that we are not alone – that others care enough to be there for us when we have the need.

    How can we move toward creating caring communities? By being willing to do our own Inner Bonding work so that we can open our hearts to each other.”

    Margaret paul from inner bonding

    this feels triggering

    i feel like yelling FUCHK U!

    what would you give to have this? um like WTF like my arm right?

    WTF

    i want this and the article is all like, you need this

    well gee thanks

    i feel pist!

    i want this so much

    this is way what i want

    i don’t even know if i really want a man

    honeslyt i could care less

    i want a community!

    THAT feels important to me

    i only know i want a man cuz the few times i did fall in love – get invested/connected/ addicted? whatever

    i felt like i wanted to be married

    but when im not in that mode with a guy, i feel no desire for relationship

    i feel CONSTANT longing and pinenyenss for epople to have my back and for community

    hmmmm

    this is to tap on connected to that ‘excluded’ thing

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:17pm

  539. 539: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    fw, i chose not to join too. i was never worried about feeling left out, though. interesting:)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:19pm

  540. 540: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((Siren Angel)))))) i honestly feel excited like an adrenaline rush hearing you decide to give M a chance to set it up anew in a way that could feel good to you both…….. it sounds “scary” to me – but, it sounds very interesting. also, i don’t think it’s necessarily “risky” or anything, as long as you practice being wayyy open – with your Feelings, sharing them, & with your Boundaries, living them, & with your thoughts & “assessments” of “doing it right” or even “doing it quickly,” allowing him to Lead & see if it’s Where You Want to go …. so, yes, i support you : )) i feel a bit “off” actually to say that….. kind of feel like “i’m not enough” to share this but… hitting submit : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:23pm

  541. 541: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Not worried Starla. But I kinda felt that way when for instance I heard of FlowerChild’s son.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:24pm

  542. 542: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Daria)))))))) i want that Community feeling too : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:25pm

  543. 543: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Flowerchild))))))))

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:26pm

  544. 544: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well i just did my stretch

    wow

    i also have discovered a new very FUN feeling stretch that heals my shoulders up when they tighten from computering

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:31pm

  545. 545: MissStixNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens!

    I am way behind :p Just got home from work. I feel energized, and productive. It feels good to work. It feels amazing to have my goals firmly in place and take action.

    I saw a quote today:

    Glory lies in the persuit of ones goals, not in reaching them.

    Letting this concept and the feelings it evokes float all around me today. And tomorrow. And every day for the rest of my life.

    Now i’m gonna go do yoga, have a blissfully hot shower and rub cocoa butter on every inch of my skin. Then, i’m gonna pour myself a glass of wine, sink into content femininity, lean back, and wait for the man to get home from work. :D

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:40pm

  546. 546: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    M just came home and asked me what I would like for diner and then as if catching himself quickly said ‘oh, what do you FEEL like?’ lol!

    He is making diner and I am leaning back, upstairs, by my computer and a book. Having done my yoga after work and taken a nice shower, I am completely relaxed, or almost.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:42pm

  547. 547: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Awww… Thank you Bloom-ing.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:44pm

  548. 548: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    So what is the Universe trying to tell me when almost all of my matches and almost all of the men who contact me on all three dating sites I frequent are Catholic, and most of those profess a strong relationship with the Lord? Been there, done that, it didn’t work, and I do not feel interested in drinking that KoolAid again, thank you very much!

    I had my doubts about dating someone who was Catholic when I got with PriestCD, and he confirmed my worst fears about what that would be like. I don’t think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, because there was no way I could have known just how deep he was into his faith and obedience to Catholic dogma when we started dating, but he proved to be everything I thought being a “good Catholic,” and thus incompatible with me, would be. But the fact remains that I want to RUN from these men who are contacting me now!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:48pm

  549. 549: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    ((((siren angel)))) trust yourself. I think this is your opportunity for a do over. It seems he loves you and is conflicted so be the magnet you are and keep asking for and in tune with what you want xo

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:57pm

  550. 550: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion – I’m a catholic but am pretty sure I’d get struck down by a lightening bolt if I walked into a church!

    Religion doesn’t seem to be as big a thing here as it seems to be over there. Thank goodness because I’m not religious at all!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 3:57pm

  551. 551: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel worried that ill have that community feeling for like 10 years, and then lose it all

    like my parents,

    then i had my street fam

    now the blog

    ack im jinxing msyefl ufptft

    i read that the skunk was my totem before adn teh skunk is in 10 year cycles of community slash lonerness uff and that felt triggering

    i want to heal this

    i feel sooo desperate adn disappointed that im not close to my street fam anymore wow i mean i felt SO GREATFUL TO GOD that i had tehm in my life but they still slipped away from me

    it felt so good and so ‘right’ and for so long i mean how could i see it disintegrating…

    and i feel worried this will happen with my future family too

    and im so freaknig feeling frustrated of feelign lonely even though now i am not acting out to chase anymore

    mmm

    maybe im on the threshold of healing this

    :(

    so triggered thinking of feeling so left out in US elementary and middleschool

    and so angry

    feeling so flat/numb

    and just waiting waitng waiting strategizing waiting for the moment to prove msyelf and connect and be in the in crowd

    liekt ath one girl told me eventually people get in where they belong

    and i waited and then my street fam came and i was like OH WOW GOD HEARD ME ! HE HEARD ME IM SO BLESSED

    ahhhh

    feeling sad

    now theres nothing

    not even best friend

    well i ahve the ability to connect to almost every street stranger but id have to chase em down after and….

    and i dono…

    so triggered when i see guys videos and i know theyre lives are so unlonely cuz i used to be one of them and never feel lonely wehn i had like 10 calls everymorning and

    people would call int he morning or at nite or i would and we’d connect EVERY nite and laugh and be together

    ohhhhhh

    and i see my brothers videos and its like, ywan he stretches, lights up his weed, picks up teh phone, his friend is calling, friend pulls up in teh car, they ride off together

    and im like MFFFFF NOBODY IS COMING TO PICK ME UP LIKE TAHT FIRST THING INT HE MORNING NO BIG DEAL

    well my girl might sometimes but not all teh times and not in that fun relaxed everyday way like hey i cant wait to get up to cnnect w my friend way

    umph eye roll

    i seem to be having more thoughts of just ‘im tired of life’ and i wonder if its cuz i healed down to more stuffed stuff

    and also worrying i might die if i dont very solidly ‘cling’ or get involved into feeling happy

    i remember my friend died when he was talking about changing his life and then bam he died he was like jezus to us well to me he uplifted my self esteem in that deep way and he woulda wanted to be with me and he made me part of our fam in a way he accepted me and made it fun to be with our fam

    ramble sigh

    all this lonely sad stuff

    i think it comes from parents going out and leaving me alone, when they go to work or out at nite, or have parties/friends over in the other room while im in my room sleeping with lights off and being excluded

    i want to heal this and i dont want to tap on it right now, i dont watnt o tap on it because

    i feel afraid i dont know waht will happen what it will feel like without this desire to be part of community

    ouch to think some people never felt the amazingness of it their lives seem so boring i feel so disconnected and judgemental and walled off from them

    i want to heal all this

    i feel overwhelmed

    i feel like a ‘loner’

    actually i think a ‘loner’ is a cool strategy to get community cuz its ‘cool’ in a way to be a loner so it KINDA works for me to attract people and attention, but also doesn’t work cuz i behave in ways that continue having me be a loner, to attract them, and well i must continue Being a loner to attract them which means lonelyiness so it kinda gets ciruclar

    but if im not a loner then maybe i have to admit that i aint shit and nobody and just a girl all alone with no blood family thousands of miles from home who doesnt really have people all like that back here either well i do have fam but ive grwon my spirit and want to have the people i want over THERE in teh us and that lovely free spirit feeling i discovered there where not everyone is trying to work hard at a job and worry about life and

    its just hopeless like myh physical odds are just really really bad

    but its all about infinite possibility

    my dad says its about physical odds hes

    a really good magician and holds on hard to life with a lotta fear and i dont want tthat

    but when i go out on my own they judge me and try to do stuff to me like lock me up

    i feel crying

    and again the ‘im through with this life’ thought

    oh and i see the ‘they’ thoguht

    this might be past life traumas stuck n my tissues it seems so

    keep on stretching and healing

    maybe this is my pond being stirred up and soon it will clear

    what is the secret how can i Always have community and never worry about being alone?

    how do i get people to finally want to pick me up and be aroudn me without me using my masculine energy to do stuff for them and chase them

    im gonna try to be more … gooder at making songs so that im SO cool that everyones like wow and then surely they will want to be around me

    but it feels challenging and hard to do it by myself mmmffffff

    to take myself out by myself to events that people go in a crowd to ALWAYS by myself eye rolll

    and yes i meet people and feel all star like but at the end those people dont come pick me up everyday

    im just cursed

    more stuff probaly coming up to heal

    feeling sad

    feeling ‘poor me’ not quite victimy just apathetic and whiny sorta and hopeless mosta

    gotta do something cool to impress people cuz obviously im not good enough

    i feel worreid ill go to brazil and make community there adn after 10 years or so that will disintegrate too

    i feel sad and i cant handle this, i dont want to handel this im tired i dont like living life like this

    i want all this shifted and healed….
    t
    hank u

    im asking for divine hlep too

    and i notice im feeling kinda pist at divine help for having mfe in feeling baad for so logn

    :P

    :(

    i feel pained

    frowny face

    sleepy

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:00pm

  552. 552: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Siren-angel, Tam and Belle.
    I felt cared for after reading your comments.

    And thank you Rad-love <3. Feels good to hear we're ok.

    At work…will scroll up and read later.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:01pm

  553. 553: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I feel so excited for you. I feel like I’m watching mr p doing his best to have a relationship with you as bet he can. How sweet of him to offer to pick you up! I have to say if it were me I would have let him do it as it would be a good pattern to encourage ;)

    Can you take a risk and say I have mixed feelings about you leaving Florida?

    Also my new personal red flag is if a man asks me for advice. I won’t go there. I don’t want to give advice. That is not a role I’m interested in any longer. I will share how I feel but I don’t want to give advice to any men.

    Lionman and I are still in the boat! I’m not rowing and he’s is experimenting with taking up the oars. He rows a bit then drops them again so we are not getting very far but I feel confident he is getting the hang of it.

    Oh where was Rori years ago when I was leading our relationship, organizing our social calendar, organizing him. Ugh. How did it happen? I really don’t understand how the energy exchange went from him being masculine to me leading all in the first few years.

    Ruth I too have an enormous trigger around being excluded. Huge. For some reason I don’t feel tht around the fb page cos I know all it takes is for me to ask. But it is a huge one for me.

    Calypso best of luck tomorrow. Xo

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:07pm

  554. 554: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it does not feel glorious to wait and strategize hoping for the chance to prove yourself and become part of the inner circle

    i want to heal this image i have and this memory to heal and transform

    and also annoying to realize it DOES feel amazingly delicious (thank God) and then it jsut slips away

    ugh

    i want this to heal! i feel frustrated exasperated with my lance in my hand ready to stab in circles around me

    i love my lancy feelings

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:07pm

  555. 555: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Ruth Hugs. X

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:37pm

  556. 556: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing, after striking out with a couple, I tried the softer approach. I wrote something like, “I don’t feel good trying to squeeze a date in on a work day; I want to feel relaxed and comfortable when meeting a man. I’m available on Friday.” and he still poofed.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:40pm

  557. 557: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Iamabutterfly))))

    Yes, I so know the feeling of having trouble respecting men. Respecting my dad was something my mom has never done…I feel that.

    Ruth – Thank you!

    Yes, I hope I have the sex thing sorted. But it is sooo powerful. Especially when I dreamt about him! And when I know how turned on he is by me.

    But it doesn’t feel right. If I am supposed to be trial-dating this other guy, and if he wants to take it seriously, then I need to take it seriously. I don’t feel right having such sexy conversations with vman when I don’t know for sure that he wants anything else.

    Actually, I suspect that he does. And maybe he would make more of a move, if I were not “dating” this other guy. But on the other hand, I don’t like the feeling of “cheating.” If I were “dating” – even trial-dating him – would he want me to have sexy text conversations with another guy? I bet not.

    But I just had what I think was an amazing breakthrough moment. With all these thoughts and feelings swirling about in my mind, I had the urge to write to vman and let him know where I was at. As in, tell him that I wanted to slow down the sexting and keep it friendly, and why.

    But then I realized that that just wasn’t necessary, and also not even a good idea. Why bring him in on that? I have the power to stop any time. I don’t need to make explanations.

    And the real thing of it is that if I were to write what I’d been planning to write, I essentially would be trying to make him somehow responsible for my own actions. But he’s not responsible. Even if he is tempting and he is there, and I feel so drawn to him. He is not responsible for me choosing to continue the conversation with him.

    And I don’t need to make an “issue” of it. Guys hate “issues.” (most guys.) So why make a big thing out of it?

    I made one comment this a.m. by text, saying that it was too sexy for me, and I needed to back off. And then I did. I think that’s enough.

    Baby steps, T. Baby steps. We’re doing really well.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:45pm

  558. 558: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    On the other hand, I cannot deny how attracted I feel toward vman. It is a very strong, powerful, instinctive pull. I can’t explain or describe it, because I’ve never felt it with anyone else. And no one has been able to turn me on like he could before. (And I’m sure he still could now.) My feelings for him have never really left. I’ve missed him and kind of wanted to hear from him. And now I have. And it’s nice. I’m enjoying it.

    Funny story – just before he went on his vacation, he found a heart-shaped necklace that I had left at his house, and had totally forgotten about. He returned it to me on Sunday. (And now I can’t find it. lol)

    Also, he has come through for me in some interesting ways, lately. He’s been supportive, emotionally, NOT just sexy-talking. And he’s listened to me without judging me. We’ve shared a lot of secrets that neither of us have told anyone. He’s even indicated some things he’d like to do for me. I’ve felt softness and compassion, and I feel that he really has grown in the last few months. He seems to be different than when I knew him before. And I’m not sure if that’s good for me, or not. Just different. And some of it feels really nice, and it makes me wonder…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 4:55pm

  559. 559: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    what to make of a man telling me… “No! I am not going anywhere, you are mine, you belong to me”

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:10pm

  560. 560: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I am so with you on the feelings of exclusion from childhood. We moved around a lot until I was 13, very difficult to establish roots, friendships, etc. and I do still get triggered. I wish you could just express your feelings about it here, we are here to support you and love you no matter what.

    I also choose to not be on the FB page. I only feel excluded when mention of different things (like Flowerchilds son)
    makes it onto the blog.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:18pm

  561. 561: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    Jessie1000, where are you?
    SLV, where are you?
    Lizka, come back and catch us up on your men

    Who else is missing?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:19pm

  562. 562: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve chosen not to be on the FB page too. For me, it’s simply because I’m trying to have some control over the electronic input in my life. I like that it’s my choice to come here to the blog and I don’t necessarily want/need anymore stimulation pushed into my FB feed. I may decide to join one day, who knows.

    To clarify, if it hasn’t be yet, there are two spots where sirens gather, here and the private FB page. I’ve heard both referred to as Siren Island, which can be confusing. The FB page isn’t Rori sanctioned. It’s a side group that was created by some sirens to get to know each other personally, share pics, and feel more free to discuss things that are off-topic.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:31pm

  563. 563: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Blooming: hehe, I feel amused too.

    I’d also love to share more about my process as I was writing that and what I realized afterwards but I feel so overwhelmed because I am leaving town tomorrow to meet Mr. man’s fam for the first time and I do not feel prepared at all. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around much else atm.

    Just trying to stay calm and trust that everything will work out.

    And I feel sooooo frustrated because I just came home and my dog destroyed this new winter hat I just bought which was not cheap. So rude! Lol

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:38pm

  564. 564: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    LG, thank you for clarifying!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:40pm

  565. 565: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    (((ruth)))

    Aww, thanks for asking about YouTube or FB. I feel moved by your interest in what I do. I’m not quite ready to share publicly because I noticed when I am anonymous here, I feel more safe to discuss and share things that I normally wouldn’t feel safe doing.

    This could change in the future but that’s where I’m at right now.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:43pm

  566. 566: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    My pleasure, Goddess Lilly. :-)

    Belle: I don’t think I ever said thank you for the music rec’s the other day. Michael Bethwith(?) was a great one. Im hadn’t listened to him before but he’s right up my alley. And Rab, omg, he’s been one of my fav’s for a while now. Words cannot even say.

    Hi Forest Siren!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:45pm

  567. 567: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Sassy: 560 I feel ya on that. I had a similar experience growing up. We never stayed anywhere long enough to where I felt like I fit in.

    Hugs to all of us.

    I’m feeling inarticulate because I’m in a rush. I should probably just go pack for my trip.

    Love to you all!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:49pm

  568. 568: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t get how I’m supposed to have time for dating if I’m living my life and doing the things I want to be doing for me.

    I run and am in training for two half-marathons this fall. Thus, I have to run on at least two school nights. I don’t like my body, so I am going to the gym to tone up and lose weight. I do that three nights per week. This is me taking care of me and making the changes that are important to me.

    That leaves me with late Friday night, Saturdays, and Sundays to go on dates. I have to run Saturdays and Sundays to get a total of four runs in each week, so I can do that in the morning if I have afternoon/evening plans. But starting in a few weeks, I’m going to be taking my school’s Academic Challenge team to tournaments on Saturdays. I am the coach, so this is part of my job and I am getting paid to take them. That is an all-day thing: at school by 7 am, back at school between 5 and 6 pm. I’ll have to run after that to keep up my training. So Saturdays will soon be out for going on dates, at least until the end of October when I’m done competing for the season.

    There aren’t very many days per week when I can skip doing school work in the evening; if I skip even one day during the week, that just loads up how much I have to get done in the rest of the week. Like, I skipped last night, and now have several more hours of work to do tonight (so I’ll be getting off here momentarily!).

    I feel frustrated trying to live my life and do not only the things I’m required to do but also the things I want to do to improve myself, and also to make time to date and meet someone. What am I supposed to do? I feel helpless and hopeless.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 5:56pm

  569. 569: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    But the other thing that I can’t deny is that, even with all of the good stuff, I am sometimes or even often left with an uneasy feeling around vman. He can be great. He can even help me feel relaxed when I’m stressed. But overall, I don’t feel “relaxed” about him. And I can’t explain that, either. Would it feel better if he simply said to me, “I want you to be my person?” Who knows.

    I know that I DID feel that way – relaxed and at ease and secure – when, after TBF and I talked about it, he made it clear that he DID want me to be his “person.” It was like, “ahhhh” – there it is.

    I no longer have to stress about it.

    I have a person.

    It’s not perfect. He’s not perfect. But I don’t have to worry about whether or not there is “something” there. Because there definitely is…

    And I don’t need to waste so much time on vman, when he’s not my person.

    Just a distraction. Just a tempting snack. Just a diversion that gets my mind going, and my juices flowing. I may dream and imagine he is “there for me.” But it’s just fantasy. Unless it becomes something real. Unless or until I see something different, then it only is what I have in front of me…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:05pm

  570. 570: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Also, one more thing about the FB group. I think it’s private because sirens didn’t want what they posted to show up on their non-Rori friend’s feeds, not because they wanted to be exclusionary. I’m pretty sure any siren is welcome to join.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:09pm

  571. 571: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    …unless I am being ignorant, and he wants me more than I know. But how can I know that? *sigh*….

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:14pm

  572. 572: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    safe & magical travels, laughing goddess ! how proud he must be to show you off : )

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 6:33pm

  573. 573: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    570 re the FB group – it’s classified as a “secret” group too, so it can’t be searched for in google. And you can only join if an admin adds you.

    I’m an admin, and so is Radlove and I think Jenny is too.

    What I like about it is that we can see each other’s faces and pictures, and some sirens have actually created separate FB profiles in their blog name (or whatever they want) and become a member with that profile rather than their real one, to further protect their identity.

    It’s also great because we can chat to other sirens via IM too. At least one of the members has been there for me late at night via chat, and it’s really helped me during some really tough times.

    Rori is also a member although she’s not very active, and we are lucky to have Dominique over there too.

    :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:23pm

  574. 574: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    The answer is simple and obvious. Don’t date.

    I deactivated my OkCupid and PoF accounts. Match expires at the end of the month and I wasn’t going to renew it anyway.

    I’m done. This is too much work for my boy to handle and my girl feels awful anyway. Maybe in another decade I’ll feel a mutual attraction with someone I meet in person again. But I’m done with online dating. Why didn’t I think of this sooner instead of agonizing over how to go on dates with men?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:29pm

  575. 575: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    It feels strange to still lean back.. I am not sure it’s the right thing to do.. Maybe it is and I don’t see it? It feels like I am holding a mean silence.. when I am not. He did tell me a couple of times recently – you know, you can call me too. His last text sounds like he is trying to explain things and he cares to explain. Is it right to still be silent?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:30pm

  576. 576: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Wow luzydel, that sounds fantastic! I would take it at face value:)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:32pm

  577. 577: amberNo Gravatar says:

    Can someone add me to the FB group. Send the info to amberlicious9969@gmail.com. please?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:37pm

  578. 578: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, it’s good to keep things on the positive, right?

    On the plus side, having vman around means that I am not “obsessing” about tbf. He’s just a guy. It’s not set in stone. Nothing is “in the bag.” it’s not a done deal until both of us take that step to make a commitment and agree to it. And I am just not sure that I am ready for that, or that I want it with him. I still have to experience more and look into my feelings.

    Like I said, he’s not perfect. And it’s not a question of “changing” anything. Just, is it ideal and what I want. I get a lot of what I want! Does it all feel right and good? I don’t know. Sometimes. I guess if it was all 100% peachy, then I wouldn’t be writing about it here.

    I guess the reason talking with vman is do compelling is that the physical aspect is so important for me. I need the relationship to be solid and present. But I also need and desire to be turned on by my mate, and to be able to feel pleasure for them without me “compromising” (ie pretending to like something that really doesnt feel good to me.)

    This is the one thing giving me pause. I haven’t told vman. I feel guarded about this and I don’t know why. It’s my truth. I don’t want to trade a good relationship for “just physical.” I want both!

    And I deserve to have it all. Because you know what? I’m amazing and I deserve it. Just because. I believe in it. That can happen for me. And it feels so good to believe in that.

    It feels like warm caramel on vanilla ice cream, and it tastes delicious :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:38pm

  579. 579: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    SA,

    Sounds like you are doing great! I don’t know if I’d be able to keep my cool in this situation;)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:38pm

  580. 580: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    I just emailed you Amber

    xxx

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:46pm

  581. 581: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Aww…I just got stressed out about being on the wrong train. I texted vman that I might need another song, to cheer me up. He got right back to me with the lyrics to the perfect song. It was awesome and it cheered me right up. I love this feeling :-D

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:52pm

  582. 582: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    No more man crack. Not from PriestCD, who is doing nothing to maintain the friendship he said he wanted and valued so much, and not from the men who email me or text me and don’t row the boat. No men, no man crack.

    I will go to the gym where no men come and I will go run alone. I will go to my job where there are no single men (and I wouldn’t date at work anyway). Maybe I will have time once a month to go to a Meetup and meet someone there. But I just can’t keep this up.

    I feel ashamed to admit that I, at this point in my life, am willing to say that I don’t want to change and I don’t want to do the work it will take to find someone. I want someone for the rest of my life SO BADLY, but not enough to learn to be someone I am not right now, even though that person is better than who I am right now. I will stay where I am, and that feels awful, but not more awful than biting off more than I can chew.

    I need a new job that doesn’t consume so much of my time so that I have more time to do the other things in life that I enjoy.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:53pm

  583. 583: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion, I like your simple answer! Not everybody has to Internet-date. There are lots of ways to meet guys. And the right man will be attracted to you anyway, on or offline! :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 7:55pm

  584. 584: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    514. I did ask how to join siren FB a few days ago but no answer appeared here.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:07pm

  585. 585: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity, I’m sure I replied but I’m on my phone so can’t check. Just search for my name here and you’ll see a post where I’ve given my email address. Email me and I’ll get you added :)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:13pm

  586. 586: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Anyone thinks it’s a wrong thing not to reply in my situation? Thank you:)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:27pm

  587. 587: Butterfly wingsNo Gravatar says:

    It depends on what you’re trying to achieve Memulo…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:32pm

  588. 588: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I ran into to Metincollege CD tonight. He was just sitting there at a high table, surrounded by older people, and he was leading a discussion of some kind. (sounded business-y)

    I ordered my drink, and shyly went to go say hi.

    I said “sorry to interupt, I just wanted to say hi.

    Because I hadn’t seen him in such a long time!

    and he said “no, it’s good to see you! are you going to be around?”

    and I said, “yeah, over here reading.”

    and he said “okay.”

    so then I sat and read for a while.

    except I couldn’t read, because first one random stranger was asking me questions, and then another random stranger was asking me questions!

    (both men. and one was extremely attractive!)

    but then I had to go. so I told my strangers it was nice to meet them, and then I went back up to MetinCollegeCD and told him that I had to go.

    and he said “aww.” and then he gave me the sweetest hug!

    felt so good.

    then I got into my car and cried because I felt so moved.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 8:33pm

  589. 589: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    Siren Angel, I can relate to where you are… I’ve been in similar situations. I’m going to be very honest here, and of course every situation is different, but doing what I’d always done, got me what I’d always had. The same cycle, over and over again. I WISH I had been more sure of myself and strong enough to say enough…. it’s been this long. if you don’t know how you feel about me by now, then it’s time to make some serious changes. Your posts feel sad to me, as if you are taking blame and fault with yourself, and making a lot of excuses for him to justify why this has happened.
    A man who truly loves you will be with you, heart and soul. If he wants you, he’ll make his children understand. It can feel fun and exciting, and having special romantic times alone together is awesome, and should always be a part of your relationship. But, agreeing to what he wants, stepping backwards… feels bad to me. I’m not saying to give him time, but I would suggest not sleeping with him. Don’t operate from a place of fear that he’ll meet someone else. Choose you. Choose the dream you want, and let him come to you, 100 percent. You deserve better than this siren angel.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:09pm

  590. 590: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    CD from last week was smitten, so he would have me believe. He lives about a mile from me in the same town, and he is another working musician. He called me tonight and wanted some of my time, clearly enough. But I am pretty booked up right now. I said I was hungry and he asked me if I wanted to do something later. After I ate that is. that was around 7 pm. I am busy after tonight through till Sunday.
    So I said I would smoke a little with him if he wanted to meet me at on the waterfront. He was supposed to call back at 8 but didn’t till 8:15. What he really wanted was for me to go to his house.
    When he called I had been walking for an hour which was cool–it was just what I needed.
    He said come over and I said no-I’ll meet you at the fountain in the theater district. I waited 20 or twenty five minutes, then started walking. He called me back at 9 PM. I told him I had started to get too cold and had to walk. He thinks I should call him Sunday. Hmmmm…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:19pm

  591. 591: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Mr. C had an awesome day. He is going back to work for a company that he really liked, full of friends that felt like family to him. He lost the job when his marriage was in the toxic early stages. I feel so happy for him that he has this opportunity for a do over, and that he has something so positive to focus on. It felt really heartwarming that he called me, invited me over to show me all he was working on, shared lots of stories and info., practiced with me, and we talked a lot about how having those positives, makes it easier to get over the sad/bad/blah feelings. I did lean forward to give him a hug, I feel so relieved to see hm getting unstuck. Then he asked if we all wanted to go out for ice cream. We have such a pleasant time together, laughing, talking…. the kids joke around and play. It feels so easy when we are all together. Being honest with myself, I know I wish things were different.

    BUT, being clear with myself, I know leaning back serves me best. He’s not ready, and even if he was, we may not be a good romantic fit. I’m just starting to see him now as healing. We laugh and tease and have a good thing, I don’t want it to blow up. Any pressure now, would cause that.

    SO, if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist. My options are open. I’m a little disappointed I haven’t heard more from Tux, and I’ve gotten a few decent sounding emails on POF, but no plans to meet anyone. But the truth is, I feel the most happy, content and that I’m the real me when I’m with Mr. C. I feel whole and honest and comfortable. Maybe this is what real intimacy is. Not just about sex, but closeness, the companionship and the consistency. The relaxing and flowing, the easiness. Being friends. I want this with any man I’d be serious with. I’ve short changed myself by rushing into physical intimacy, where then that feels like the focus. The focus here, is still me… and what I’m learning about myself.

    I want to be a writer.
    I want to be the best thing that ever happens to another person.
    I want to try new things and master them.
    I want to feel loved and give love freely.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:32pm

  592. 592: k2012No Gravatar says:

    wow, thanks for this article. Really true.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:36pm

  593. 593: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    blooming,

    350 – I enjoyed reading about your dream about animals. What were you curious about the deer?

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:46pm

  594. 594: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Goddess Lily and Tam,

    486 – Anyone can invite other Sirens. Jenny and Butterfly Wings can also add people. Anyone is welcome to email me at brendaearthlink @ yahoo . com if you want to be a part of Siren Island on FB.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:49pm

  595. 595: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I took my Mom home today. It went well overall. I feel like I passed the test of facing my childhood triggers with Sireny grace. Still not sure if she will live with me permanently, but she is welcome. Got to get a more handicap accessible home, tho.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:53pm

  596. 596: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity,

    584 – Sorry, I don’t always have time to read every post.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 9:55pm

  597. 597: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens!

    You don’t have to go to bed so early, LOL! :-)

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:13pm

  598. 598: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    I miss Senior Lady Vibe. :-( Her zany sense of humor brightened my days!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:15pm

  599. 599: ViNo Gravatar says:

    It’s a long story but I just want to make a record here for myself that I’ve just communicated to my mom how I felt about unwanted help from my girlfriend regarding my father in law. First I felt bad and defensive then I did eft on it and it lead to identifying another boundary of mine! YAY for I’ve got it! YAY to me for how beautiful I’ve written about how I felt toward the thing not blamey and in pure sharing good feeling way! I feel excited!
    Hmm.. I am feeling a little judgemental for my don’t want to ‘mix’ family and friends too much, otherwise I start feeling unsafe … I think it might be ‘unfair’ to those friends… hmmm .. but. otherwise it will be unfair to me and won’t feel good at all. I choose to honor myself and feel okay with whatever level of privacy my little girl wants. And this is what important here. More important than my fear to communicate that. YAY! …and I love my judgemental side and I send it lots of love so it also could heal with my love

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:18pm

  600. 600: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Vi,

    Yay! Sounds healthy! This emotional healing thing is deep! How I appreciate Rori and the Sirens!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:27pm

  601. 601: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion I feel the same way about online dating and dating in general ….
    I am busy with like 3 part time jobs and my hobbies that i try to fit in and also seeing friends ….
    But….
    I cd in the way Rori says in everyday life like at the coffee shop or the grocery store ,,, wherever!!
    I have even met a couple guys at starbucks that I wnt on dates with! I also practice the tools in random places like the store or mall or dentist waiting room like I’m all that, waterwheel, dance position.
    Omg waterwheel is a trip it really works!!

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:34pm

  602. 602: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria about missing a feeling of community I soo know what you mean!
    I missed my family wheni moved out but I had a huge group of friends nd we did everything together ! Plus my boyfriend! I was never alone as never slept alone or went to the store alone and if I did it was ok cuz I knew I had people!!!
    Life changes and now I don’t even talk to any of those people at all!!! Like they are all totally gone feom my life! Even the ones I tried to cling to went away … Like it was not meant to be for me to stay in touch and I just accept it now… But It did an still does hurt when I feel lonely and I love and miss the feeling of community !

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:39pm

  603. 603: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Radlove I miss slv too…

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:44pm

  604. 604: ViNo Gravatar says:

    :-) Radlove

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:45pm

  605. 605: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Vi
    I feel inspired to communicate better with my mom

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 10:50pm

  606. 606: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Morning Ladies..
    I dreamt MrP was sitting in front of me with a map of Europe showing me where he was moving….I don’t want to dream this stuff.
    Urgh.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:29pm

  607. 607: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Where do I go to meet a new man? Believe me, I am looking for my husband, trust me. Sometimes I dont remember where to go. Can anyone give me some advice on the places that I can go to meet men.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:30pm

  608. 608: k2012No Gravatar says:

    feeling a bit lonely and slowly recovering from the breakup.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:32pm

  609. 609: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glad Emeron :-)

    What helps me to feel more open communicating with mom is just the same what I practice with men – when I focus on my feelings and body and make it all about practicing FMs … and drop any tiny intention to change her when I notice such a though …. and feeling curious what if I could feel okay with where she is.. and accept it .. and accept where I am…. because the choice is mine anyway … and I am a safe place .. sigh . baby steps …

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:35pm

  610. 610: TamNo Gravatar says:

    553 – Hi Forest Siren, and thank you!
    Yes, I was thinking of letting him pick me up at the airport, but I would be jittery the whole flight, and I am a nervous flier anyway….and I do feel it is too much too soon….I will be totally exhausted and get in quite late…plus my friend picking me up is the one I am staying with, so it’s logistically just so much easier.
    But truly, I was thinking the other day how he never used to know when I was getting in and never offered to get me from the airport (well he lives a little way away, I fly to a different city..), now he asked me a total of 3 times when ‘exactly’ I am getting there…starting 4 weeks ago…
    I do feel weird. He knows I am on POF, and I am wondering if this has something to do with it…last time I had a bf, and he was very surprised, it’s almost like this time he is making sure I don’t get a chance to date someone…funny.
    I also noticed that he is not active on POF anymore, he used to live on that site but once I caught him on there when we were just starting to get back together…and my fearful mind just freaked and I actually dumped him for that…true. I tried to take it back later but he was too proud. AND last time I was in Florida, he actually made a point of deleting his profile after spending a day with me.
    When I left he set it back up though and was dating….and on there all the time. Not anymore. Could all be coincidence.
    Hm.
    I do wonder whether he revs up the Volume because he is operating from a ‘safe’ point. Last time the safe thing was that I was in a relationship (but he didn’t know that I was in a committed relationship, he thought at first it was ‘just’ a date when we all met). This time the safe thing might be that he is off soon to move away.
    Just pondering.
    He also did say that if I needed him to help with anything, he will do it…as in me staying in the US.
    He knows, for me to stay permanently, there is only one thing, so I am wondering (again) about this offer of help. Basically, I need to get married, and he KNOWS that, and I have said that I would not get married for papers but only if I felt something for the person also….because he once said his brother would do it (only to retract when I said: ‘ok then’..as a little test..suddenly the brother was not good enough for me…). Of course, you all know that he ‘offered’ to marry me too but he was saying it had to be a ‘win-win’ situation and bla bla…..so I just said I didn’t want to complicate his life and that it wasn’t a win-win and that I would ideally like to marry for love…
    well, anyway. Hm.
    Yesterday I also briefly had the thought: ‘what if he wants me and all of a sudden I don’t want him anymore?’ Because he is not conventional, a lot of things that would be normal in a relationship might just never happen with him…but then I don’t know, he is behaving suddenly like everybody else, offering to get me from the airport, help me around, making plans for the future…boating again…and so on.
    He is really surprising me, but I would be VERY surprised if this was to go on…..VERY.
    I don’t expect this to go on.

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:51pm

  611. 611: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Morning ladies
    BW, Sassy, LG, Starla, tam
    thank you
    I am still feeling pretty yucky about all of this
    Must be a huge trigger

    Stuff to work on anyway, but it doesnt feel at all good to wake up feeling yucky and, well worthless
    For me , a nights sleep usually sets things into perspective and is a fresh start but not this morning
    Oh well, stuff to get on with

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:58pm

  612. 612: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion.Reading your post I am wondering if you should try dating a runner

    Tuesday, 11 September 2012 @ 11:59pm

  613. 613: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Blimey Tam

    I feel very very intrigued now

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:05am

  614. 614: TamNo Gravatar says:

    613..Ruth..I am confused..haha. This guy is confusing me. But at least I know he is pretty solid.

    I hope your trigger evaporates, because the group is just secret so we are safe from prying eyes and we WANT you and everyone else there….it was just a case of an admin sending the details – I am not one.

    But I understand.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:11am

  615. 615: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells – not sure if it’s cuz of of how u out it, but I do t like him and I feel pist

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:13am

  616. 616: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    K2012

    607 – Meetup.com has all sorts of special interest groups. I think a hiking one would be a great way to meet a man! What are YOUR interests? If you go to a meetup group that is in that area of interest, that would feel great! Or say you are interested in reading…you could hang out at Barnes & Noble. Or if you are interested in health food, hang out at a health food store. Horses? At a horse farm, etc.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:18am

  617. 617: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lama – hmm that feels uncomfy for me, like seeing masc energy going up to him to say hi, and then going again to say bye

    Triggers me to something I remember

    I wonder if you experiment w leaning back and just smiling from across the room and talking to the guys who come up to you what would shift in this experiment.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:19am

  618. 618: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brandy lion – lol! I laughed out loud. I wish I could get you a talk w Rori, so she could talk about how out subconscious holds us back when we make those ‘I won’t date’ decisions. It kinda sabotages us by sneaking in under our rationality.

    The answer would be that weekends are also perfect to date, and Rori would say to make dating a Priority. I’ve heard her encourage women to cut back on other activities, hours at work, etc.

    This is about our love life and happiness and healing, it’s top priority. I would def resign up for those sites. Don’t worry if a few or 10 men poof. Men come and go like a river.

    Keep practicing for You and your therapy. Those urges to give up etc are our subconscious ways to sabotage and punish ourselves and bring us back to what we always have had, what were comfortable with.

    Step out slowly, but make sure you’re stepping out i imagine she might say. Have an active profile.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:33am

  619. 619: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Emerson))) :(

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:36am

  620. 620: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    I realised i am feeling REALLY anxious and triggered by Siren Angels situation because I let it all happen to me for years when i just didnt know what was going on, or how it happened , and had zero self esteem.

    I feel the high anxiety start when I read posts by various Sirens which sound like they are accepting crumbs, or talking themselves into being ok with less than the relationship they actually want, or when they have all sorts of good reasons for not CD’ing when they have feelings for a man who isnt fully into them or is not stepping up.

    Now I see how I created my own nightmare , i feel really triggered when i see other people doing what i did and i want to save them from the terrible pain i went through for years .

    Of course they need to walk their own walk and its not about me .

    I feel most curious about how BAD i feel when i am reminded of that those years . I realize I mistook the ANXIETY and BAD feelings for excitement and a feeling of being alive around this man.

    It felt like “love” but it was really a sort of dread and deep attachment combined.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:45am

  621. 621: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity – i feel triggered too. I remember feeling the sinking feeling and Nooo and the ‘I knew it’ diss appointment bitterness observing your situation too.

    Now that you are saying it took you years of pain

    I’m feeling triggered to beating myself up for not taking an active role in making a case for Roris tools for each siren.

    I remember when I first started getting it, Rori would greet new sirens w a blurb, and I’d always be quite clear – read pushy – that the blog was all about Roris tools. It seemed most women adjusted quickly, started practicing, and got instant results and were on their way with tools.

    Everyone practiced FMs on blog, and people who didn’t were few -though vocal – it seemed women made huge leaps quickly.

    Now it seems some people wallow for years I see sirens of years here using I feel instead of I think, and hurting themselves w non Rori choices.

    I feel guilty… It seems like my stepping back didn’t work to magically get everyone shifting quickly .. Sigh

    I feel dread thinking of speaking up more and getting fought with or attacked though.

    Sigh.

    This must be a trigger that frames it this way for me. I feel quite helpless and overwhelmed.

    It would feel great to heal thus , really. I’m feeling kinda bummy about this and I recognize this from my life.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:59am

  622. 622: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I guess everyone has their own healing pace. I sometimes want to turn back time but then I think: no.
    You made all those experiences with men, some painful, some not so painful – but if you hadn’t made them you wouldn’t be where you are now.
    I believe we will all see the light eventually and everybody’s situation is different.
    But I ain’t going back to where I’ve come from.
    Feeling much better these days, on the right path…for now.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 1:14am

  623. 623: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I see I’m seeing it in ‘stuck paradigm’ as one or the other… Instead of seeing an infinity of choices!

    :)

    Yay. Healing stuck paradigm! It felt so disempowering!

    Something that serves my needs even Better than the two old choices is coming!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 2:01am

  624. 624: ViNo Gravatar says:

    “my stepping back didn’t work to magically get everyone shifting quickly”

    Hmm .. I feel defensive reading these words. I feel pressure and think ‘I don’t want anyone ‘to make anything from me’ … Actually I feel not good enough reading this….

    Hmm .. I love myself . But there is obviously still more to do!.. I imagine how awesome it would feel to feel good about myself even if someone may do not … that would feel yum!

    Thanks Daria for the trigger.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 2:04am

  625. 625: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I hear ya. Still people make their own choices for their life. Sirenity I hear ya. Maybe Siren Angel, who is relatively new could use some good news of people who were in similar situations.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 2:24am

  626. 626: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Vi – in my personal perspective, you’re doing fantastic and inspiringly well

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:01am

  627. 627: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    I think someone tried to add me as a friend on FB using the email address I posted earlier to find me. The FB account it’s linked to isn’t valid, so please send me an email and I’ll add you to the FB group.
    xxx

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:02am

  628. 628: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i”m feeling so overwhelmed that im not gonna be able to handle it, life, relationship, community

    pffft

    i did a lot of 2nd chakra EFT so im wondering if these feelings of sadness and warm sinking overwhlem are the processing of that. Margaret Lynch says the lower chakras take awhile to process and integrate.

    I’m going to do more EFT on 1st and 2nd chakra, will do 2nd chakra on feeling left out of the party with my parents type feelings and see how that shifts my pineyness for community / fame

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:03am

  629. 629: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel ‘sick’

    thats def 2nd chakra

    ok my pond is muddy, and it will clear and ill feel amazing

    i feel like crying right now tho a bit and now i just feel :(

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:04am

  630. 630: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria, Though if you tried to “save” me I would not have heard you as we are talking 5 years of history at that time of convincing myself , believing in his potential , blindfolding myself to my situation of emotional abuse etc, etc. Once I read Roris email about being a junkie for man crack and then baggagereclaim.com about emotionally unavailable men I “got it” very quickly.

    Its not up to any of to save the others though i certainly feel frustration and sadness when i watch other people making some choices, I feel awful , so then i label them as “bad”choices. But i feel awful because of my own experience and they have to get to where they are going independently.

    I think we have to go through the process individually . I went to yoga and just now and released some of those old bad feelings out of my hip joints which were suddenly hugely flexible :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:07am

  631. 631: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    621 Daria

    I can feel your frustration
    but as Tam says, we all have our healing pace

    For some of us, feeling messages feel “difficult” and “not like the real me” even though I can see how they would work
    It takes some of us longer to feel comfortable using them
    H8ll-half the time I cant even identify what I am actually feeling when the emotions swamp over me

    So while we are learning the tools, we are going to keep repeating the same patterns over and over until we are ready to make forward steps

    I would like to think that all of us can still feel supported on here as we take those baby steps

    Also, its a d*mn sight easier to be objective and give advice on other Sirens’situations than to take it in ourselves isnt it

    Not expressing myself so well, sorry

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:22am

  632. 632: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    630
    Sirenity, your post reads so much better than mine
    Absolutely spot on

    (MUST get back to Yoga)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:23am

  633. 633: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    621
    daria
    *bummy* has just made me feel all smily, even though it shouldnt

    Its a good word

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:25am

  634. 634: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Baby Steps – I just messaged you on FB. :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:25am

  635. 635: TamNo Gravatar says:

    631 Ruth, I totally agree with you. It feels bad to me also forcing my views on other people, and I remember that no matter what anyone said, if I could not see what I was doing wrong for myself, it did not really help.
    There has to be growth inside oneself and it doesn’t matter how much others huff and puff – one has to get there oneself.
    It took me a while but now I am ready also to take the advice from others because I opened up more, but that was work I did on myself.
    And yes, it is so much easier to advise others because we are not emotionally tangles up in their situation and pain or whatever it is.
    I often don’t see the wood for the trees in my situation.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:36am

  636. 636: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ‎Susun Weed on the Wise Woman Healing tradition-

    “Nourishment is Invisible. Invisible as a bowl of soup. The world Health Orginisation says ninety percent of the health care provided in the world is given by women in their own homes. Invisibly. With a smile. A hug. A word of praise. In small daily increments, the wise woman builds the health of herself, her family, her community, her country, her world. She does it in the Tao, so she is invisible”.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:36am

  637. 637: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ok well I feel a little bit… angry (I think) at TH right now. Well I WAS shocked, then angry, but now just turned off.

    He updated his FB profile pic – of him and his ex gf from a LONG time ago.

    I know it’s to show the world how much weight he has lost, but SURELY he could have posted one of the others he has from that time???????

    Even though we are “dating”, we are not in a relationship, so he’s done nothing wrong, but it really turns me off seeing that. I told him I feel turned off. He thinks I’m being unreasonable.

    I really don’t care if he’s angry or upset at me for saying I feel turned off, because it’s how I feel. Meh.

    It’s funny because in the past I would have been afraid to say that to him. I think I had a fear of losing him, rather than a fear he won’t change, like someone said to SA earlier today.

    Wow!! Now I feel calm and relaxed, and still turned off, but still happy too! Things are a-shifting in my world! ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:37am

  638. 638: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #587 BW,

    What do you mean?

    I was not contacting him, but he didn’t try to contact me either. I know that his family is in town, but still. What if he is just tired of my silence or happy that he can spend time with friends while we are not talking? On the other hand, he stood me up two nights in a row with the same explanation that he fell asleep. It can be true, but when this was happening I felt terrible.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:37am

  639. 639: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Also, I never met his family and was not invited to meet them this time.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:38am

  640. 640: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ruth..I hear you.
    Feeling messages are important but you are right to pay attention to what the feelings are first.

    Yoga teacher was just now suggesting it is interesting to just feel the sensations in the body (I was labelling it as “ouch!” at that moment) and recognise it is just a sensation and notice how the mind labels it as pleasant or unpleasant and to want more or less of the sensation according to what we think of it as ..so we feel it as “painful ” or as “opening’ or whatever according to our minds choice.

    This feels like sinking in to feelings, just notice the sensation and not actually judge it ..or even label it the same old way.

    maybe like ” i feel two warm crystal drops sliding down my cheeks and my heart contracting . ” instead of “I feel sad and lonely”. When i think about the sensations without labels , I feel interested and not sucked down into a well of sadness or loneliness.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:47am

  641. 641: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    638 Memulo – what is your reason behind wanting to contact him? What outcome are you after? xx

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:49am

  642. 642: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion – if having a relationship is low on your current list of priorities, then by all means drop the online dating sites, especially if it’s feeling like pressure to you.

    Maybe you will eventually meet someone through your running or other things you have going on in your life?! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:51am

  643. 643: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    BW – that feels bad to read.

    You are right , it is up to him to present himself as he chooses and desires. You arent in a relationship but if you were how would you “expect” him to act?

    What expectation can you let go of now?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:53am

  644. 644: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo in my open any contact from him is an opportunity to say how you feel. I notice that you are in your head a lot trying to figure out what is going on with him and that causes you to second guess yourself and you get kindof stalled.

    I notice this because I can do this too. I wonder how my words will affect the outcome. Shifting to my feelings takes all the pressure off because it’s then about me in that moment.

    Lionman experiences my silence as anger towards him. I used to use it angrily towards him and if I really want to piss him off ignoring his calls will do it. Now that I am working on raising my degree of difficulty and seeing him as practse even tho he is my favorite I am less afraid of saying exactly how I feel honestly. I’ve already lost him so there is nothing to lose now by being one hundred percent honest instead of polite and cautious because I was afraid of losing him if you see what I mean.,

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:56am

  645. 645: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    640
    Ooh Sirenity, thank you!

    Lightbulb moment there!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:56am

  646. 646: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    BW oh I have a question here. When you are together but not in a relationship in this way and he does something that upsets you and he says well we are not together what would you say? I know that he didn’t say tht he just said you were over reacting but having been in the together but not together situation it was used as an excuse every time I expressed anything negative and I never had any real comeback.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:00am

  647. 647: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity, I would probably not have reacted as calmly as I have, if we were together, so I think I am “letting go”.

    He texted me to ask what the matter was. I told him that I did feel shocked, then angry and now I just feel turned off, but he is free to do what he wants.

    Usually he will respond defensively. This time he’s gone quiet, which I think is a good sign – he’s thinking about it I’m sure, but I am moving my focus back on to me while he finds another way to impress me! ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:01am

  648. 648: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    647 BW
    I guess you spoke your truth

    that feels good to me

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:03am

  649. 649: TamNo Gravatar says:

    644 – forest siren, that really resonates with me, the feeling that I can be 100% honest with MrP now also, because he is not mine, I am not attached to an outcome and I have no fear telling him how I feel.
    The only fear I do have is ‘getting sucked in’, by that I mean accepting what he has to offer even if it does not match up to what I want for myself.
    I don’t want to get sucked into accepting crumbs…but I don’t think I will anyway.
    And I feel that he is catching those vibes and he has started to treat me differently, with more care and respect. Interesting. It is a development I had already noted last time I was there, he is much softer and really concerned for me.
    i like it.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:05am

  650. 650: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Forest Siren, he never says that. I’m the only one who has mentioned it.

    I think I said it recently when he wanted me to change my plans for him and I told him that we are no longer in a relationship, so my focus is now totally on me and what I want to do. At the time, what I wanted to do was stay home alone and relax instead of seeing him. He grumbled about it, but I think he knew that he was in a weak position esp due to the lack of a relationship. Hehe!

    Oh I feel so powerful right now! :D

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:08am

  651. 651: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    648 – Thanks Ruth. I really feel good about how I’m communicating with him these days.

    Even if we don’t get back together, I know I will have learned a LOT! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:09am

  652. 652: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm i guess i feel kinda unheard

    i feel annoyed really listening to what seems as explanations – so sorry this is coming out harshly :( – of what another being was triggered by through my expression

    i’ve been here many years – (superiority complex? / victim mentality ? ) – and I was feeling down at what i perceive (perception is not The truth) as a difference in the pace at which women were healing and coming to a feeling of EMPOWERMENT in their own lives, by using Rori’s tools

    and my correlation to both: effort in consistency and choice of words ..

    on my part, as I had been a vigilant and vocal advocate of Rori’s tools

    support to me would be consistent support in using Rori’s tools which women come here for

    Ive taken a couple of years to step back my ‘helpful’ efforts and am feeling down to see a ‘general – in my perception’ level of disempowerment and continued pain for many women

    where in the past approach i would have consistently stepped in and spoke out encouraging and supporting the use of Rori’s tools

    ***

    Probably more important, this has to do with my and my perceptions, compulsion to ‘help’ and

    maybe not so much with anyone else’s experience of and on the blog

    .

    my perception is of coming to a hospital/healing center, where one receives consistent support in healing…

    gets on their feet and continues on healing themselves with new tools

    vs. going to a center where the sick lay around moaning and the healers go hands off and watch

    ***

    this imagery brings up feelings that come up in my life for me at other times. i see its part of my triggers.

    ***

    im remembering now that ive had great success with using “Stubborn Abraham Style Visualization” as Im calling it

    where i choose to believe that everyone is quickly healed and empowering themselves and choose to assing that meaning to everything regardless of ‘rational perspective’

    I can apply this now… its worked many many times for me

    hmm :) sigh that feels good

    i feel unsafe now, as it seems im becoming a target for “explaining/control”

    and am feeling fear of being attacked

    I will now choose to assign the meaning that I’m healing, and others are healing powerfully as well to this perception and experience

    sigh

    im feeling my ‘heart energy’ withdraw and wall up and i dont want that

    my lil girl is feeling threatend though

    this is healing

    my writing this down is a step in awareness of these powerful overwhelming fear feelings

    wow i do feel clearer and more released

    ****

    reading back this post i wonder if im not receiving this level of care myself through the triggers im not encountering

    im feeling waves of feelings of powerlessness, feelign like sadness, hopelessness

    I want to choose one of thos infinite possibilities to share my experience and also support others both vigilantly and in a way that empowers and heals ME, and where i feel heard and received and appreciated

    i feel lost and sad again

    i love my lost and sad waves of feelings

    i feel overwhelmed and sad

    i love my overwhelmed and sad feelings

    and that feels like smiling

    i love my smiling and that feels like ‘weakness’ sadness

    falling into a pool of apathy

    i love my pool of apathy feelings

    that feels giggly

    i love my gigglyness

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:18am

  653. 653: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay Sirenity I feel excited hearing about your hip joints!

    I would like to feel flexible in my hipjoints too

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:20am

  654. 654: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    BW – you once expressed that he wanted to have children in the future and that was a problem as I understand it which had no “answer’ at the time. How much does this desire of his now have to do with him “breaking up” with you?

    Also i suppose this means you are FWB with him .How does that feel to you after having been in a relationship and now being not..I see the situation is very similar to Siren Angels .

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:22am

  655. 655: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    crap i started talking with a closed heart

    i judge myself to express ‘i feel annoyed;

    then sometimes im dismissive of my mom in the same way she acts towards me sometimes

    i watn to embrace i feel annoyed

    yes i feel like rolling my eyes and swatting stuff away

    THIS IS DANGEROUS AND YOU WILL NOW BE ATTACKED BY TRIGGERED PEOPLE

    i know :(

    i feel sad!

    i feel small

    this is a pattern

    i want to heal this

    i want some FUCHKIN HELP HEALING UGH I FEEL SO FUCHKIN FRUSTRATED

    I want ta practitioner to tap with me

    im scared that ill keep judging myself as weak and powerless if i “dont do it on my own”

    im soooooo freakin tired of this greaking duality u ghhhh

    im feeling swept away in a river of words

    taht feels fun and good and kinda exhilaarating right now mmhmmm

    im going to practice expressing I feel annoyed

    aaach i feel scared

    !!!!

    isnt that blamy/????

    well im gonna EXPERIMENT with it! im yelling at myself here

    hmm i want to heal this

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:24am

  656. 656: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    BW,

    By contacting him I wanted to not engage in ‘angry silence’ and partially accept his explanation, though to express how I feel. Also, it’s not a good sign that he is not calling me.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:26am

  657. 657: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity, as we were “breaking up” I mentioned that and he told me quite firmly that it had nothing to do with that.

    When he was overseas he was telling the boys that he wanted to officially move in with me when he got back.

    But my last meltdown was the final straw. We both know I wasn’t in control at the time, but not surprisingly, he was sick of the drama, so wanted to take a step back to clear his head, get away from the drama then reassess what he wanted.

    He knows I’m not sitting around at night pining over him too, which is a good thing, and I’m having more fun than I have in a long time. I also have both Friday and Saturday nights booked next weekend and I know he’s going to grumble at me about it.

    But I’ve made my plans and I will not be changing them!! This is a very firm stance from where I was a year ago with him.

    That’s probably because I’m no longer scared of losing him. Instead I’m thinking how worried he should be that he’s about to lose ME! hehe!

    And we are “dating” now. So it’s not “over” but it’s not a full on “relationship”. We are exclusive too and he knows I will drop him in a second if he even thinks of dating anybody else.

    So it’s like it was a year ago, but I have a lot more power this time, I believe, because my focus is more on me than him.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:29am

  658. 658: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    a lot of my annoyance comes from feeling a need for nutrients right nwo, i feel all desperate for some nutrition ugh like B vitamins green leaves right nwo umfffa

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:30am

  659. 659: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    And yes, it is similar to SA’s situation, although my kids still see TH and he comes here to stay regularly too.

    Plus he doesn’t have the “kid” card to play with me either. What he chooses to do will be based solely on what he wants.

    Meanwhile I’m out enjoying life and CDing myself and friends and making the most of my space.

    I really am happy right now and am not afraid of losing him at all, because I know there are plenty of others who will gladly take his place! ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:31am

  660. 660: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((Butterfly Wings))))))

    Oh… I was reading bits on my phone, but had to open my computer to see what happened…

    Are you ok?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:31am

  661. 661: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm..I reflect now.
    The ‘sick laying around moaning’ feels bad to hear. But sometimes the sickness and moaning also helps one to get clearer…there is a point when the sickness and moaning is done. Or at least temporarily, and healing is taking place. For everybody.

    I also see some Sirens in a fwb situation and it triggers me because I have worked so hard to not fall into that scenario…I have put a vigilant eye and nearly slipped up on it before I left Florida, I almost invited, right at the end, a fwb situation but by pure chance it didn’t happen. And I am so happy I honoured my boundaries. And what has it brought me? I have missed out on some instant sex gratification which I would have liked, and I was – admittedly – longing for. I said: ‘no’ because I knew this is not the way to build something meaningful as I had been there before with the same man.
    It has actually brought me the same man, but he is being so different that I hardly recognise him and that is just great.
    Now I am determined to keep it up but I know the temptation will be great to get into a fwb situation. Part of me thinks ‘I can handle it’ and work through it with feeling messages and stay cool, and CD and treat him like a CD. But I know this is not realistic, and we have known each other long enough.
    I do feel that if he is still unable to offer me a commitment – everything – that I must NOT give into a fwb situation, no matter how much I would like to wake up with him and cuddle and kiss and whatever else. I really need to be strong. If he even pursues me….I don’t want to presume.
    I feel sad that we can’t innocently start at the beginning like a new couple and that I have to label any attemt at being physical as a return to fwb, but that’s what it will be.
    So my work is at staying open also physically, whilst at the same time honouring my needs.
    It’s a huge conflict. And I see it is one that a few Sirens here approached differently…hm.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:34am

  662. 662: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    656 Memulo – If you’re seeing your silence as an angry silence right now, then your energy is very much focused on him.

    If you lean forward and contact him (because there was no request in his text to call/message him or a question, so it’s leaning forward right?), what will you gain from that, except more of what has happened in the past when you leaned forward and contacted him?

    If he is not calling you it is because he’s not thinking of you or has chosen not to.

    That’s why your energy needs to shift well away from him.

    What can you do to shift that? xxxx

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:36am

  663. 663: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    660 SA – aww you’re sweet! I’m fine. Totally fine in fact!

    It’s amazing how amazingly calm I feel now that my focus is back on me and what I want! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:37am

  664. 664: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    BW – the secret to your happiness is actually going out and CDing with real men I believe , not only with yourself.

    This is where that feeling of empowerment springs from, you could get tired of him at any moment and he knows it :)

    i bet he is working out how to make up for his FB boo boo right now. Speaking of which i emailed you about joining . (roses)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:39am

  665. 665: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    BW @637,

    Oh ok… not as bad as I thought. :-) I was worried for you for a minute there BW!!!

    Yes, our situations are very similar! It will be interesting to compare notes… However the kiddie situation in my case makes it a little complex. Your dear hormones (I’ve had severe issues too with the bcp) are under control so your ‘circumstance’ has been fixed and I believe you will work things out easily with time and a little patience.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:42am

  666. 666: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Mm
    I feel a bit icky about “the sick laying around moaning” comment

    Actually I feel torn

    I see that sort of behaviour a LOT at work and it does feel frustrating at times

    But then I am not walking in my patients’ shoes, so who am I to judge their willingness to heal or not heal

    I am kind of assuming that women come to the Blog because they *do* want to heal, even if they are currently a bit stuck

    I feel rather stuck myself

    But I am listening, and learning and gathering information, and that feels like a tiny step forward

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:44am

  667. 667: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    I think part of the reason why I’m feeling so good right now is that when I was in the pit of depression and TH had just given me the “I’m taking a step back” speech, I honestly thought the sky had fallen in. I was devastated. And I believed he was gone for good.

    Since that day, I have begun my recovery (much quicker than expected), and because I had already accepted his decision to leave my life, I had begun to get used to the idea and was looking for positives about my new situation.

    And there are a LOT of positives with him not living here – being able to do what I want, when I want is one thing! ;)

    He has definitely picked up on my new vibe and is chasing me more than he ever did. He initiates contact with me every single day, tries to see me after work, every single night, and every weekend I see him on at least one of the days.

    He spent the day with me and my girls recently, and last week he stayed the night.

    This morning he helped me too, and gave me some money for morning tea because I’d left my purse at home by accident.

    So while we are not “together”, he’s definitely in my face, 100% exclusive with me, and not going anywhere anytime soon.

    I’m sure somebody will point out his stupidity about the profile pic soon enough. But in saying that, he did it with honest intentions (to show his old weight compared to now – he’s lost around 50kg/110lbs this year).

    I strongly believe too that if he doesn’t hurry up, somebody is going to snap me up and he will be left alone and wondering why he waited so long. I truly believe that. :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:45am

  668. 668: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    664 Serenity – When I’m CDing my friends, we’re usually at places frequented by men, and I have been getting a LOT of attention.

    Although the bunch of 20 year olds trying to hit on me last weekend really did NOTHING for me! lol

    Gee I’m old enough to be their mother! ;)

    Your email hasn’t come through yet. I’ll check again in a few minutes! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:47am

  669. 669: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    665 SA – I think the best thing I’ve done this time is totally drop my expectations of him and shift my focus to me.

    Although tonight, yes, I saw the profile pic and immediately thought “Ick!” and I texted him to express that! lol

    But I don’t feel anything right now about that situation. He’ll work something out to redeem himself I’m sure… lol

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:49am

  670. 670: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I have periods of “stuckness”, then I start to move forward again. I think it clicks when you come across something that resonates with you.

    I think everybody goes through that to some extent.

    I know people who are constantly stuck, but until they have learned that lesson they’re supposed to learn, they cannot possibly move forward until they ‘get’ it.

    It’s frustrating to watch sometimes, but it’s got to happen with some people.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:52am

  671. 671: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow i smoked a bit of mullein and im feeling calmer and pleased with the herbs in my system

    i feel glad to get to smoke the mullein gently, without harming my throat as i was at first and the past few years…

    i get that from the anxiety to ‘hurry up’ conserve herb, and im not doing it right

    when i just relax and gently breathe it in i dont get teh smoke getting stuck in my throat and mouth as before

    lovely mullein feels quite soothing and now am breathing fuller

    feeling sad and scared :(

    ((((me))))

    floating journal floating journal

    this is for me

    its ok to feel attacked

    i love my feel attacked ness

    i love my mental nvs’

    yum to them

    yum to me

    were all ok here with me, were all safe and were all healing, i promise

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:53am

  672. 672: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    670
    yes BW

    healing isnt necessarily linear

    thank you

    I have sent you some mail BTW

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:57am

  673. 673: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i will be practicing this with mj! thank you mullein! she will be so happy thank you herbs for being my friends

    (((hebs Daria herbs))))

    herb friends!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 4:59am

  674. 674: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Sirenity @620,

    I totally hear you and I understand what you are referring too having fallen into that trap myself years ago. I stayed with a man for 4 years who had plans of traveling the world and leaving me for it. And he did. He did try to come back when he came back 1.5 years after leaving but I was no longer invested and interested and was tired of him and the situation I went through. I will not do this again, especially a good 12 years older!

    This is more of an experiment where I am evaluating everyday if we are ‘retying all the knots’ together (figure of speech) ans if there is an evolution. I will not stay if it becomes stale and if I don’t see a move forward to the relationship that I want. This is new, only 2 days back ‘together’, so it is a daily process, but I do expect that if there are improvements they should happen quickly (as in 1 month back to full on relationship).

    He did mention going to Lake Placid together in a few weeks to go hiking :-) These are always so romantic and bonding for us… Yeah! I feel excited.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:01am

  675. 675: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Forest Siren,

    yes I see what you are saying. I was not using silence as a ‘weapon’ in the past, I was just leaning back. But I don’t know how he saw it of course.

    Though following BW’s logic I should trust my feelings and my truth.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:02am

  676. 676: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, your email hasn’t come through either. Did you copy and paste the email address from this blog? I checked and it’s correct and my email is working, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

    I’ll keep checking!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:03am

  677. 677: SirenityNo Gravatar says:

    Did you check the junk folder?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:06am

  678. 678: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    A FB friend of mine just messaged me with this link.

    She has shown me a whole new way of looking at that time of the month! LOVE it! :)

    http://rosemaryvolpato.blogspot.com.au/search/label/Menstruation%20and%20The%20Pain%20Body

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:06am

  679. 679: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yes i did copy and paste from here BW, and Ive not had a bounce back E mail
    My E mail address uses my surname so if i post it on here then thats any anonymity gone LOL

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:07am

  680. 680: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    BW @669,

    Something I can manage to do with any upsetting email/situation at work, is to put it ‘off’ until the next day, after a good night’s sleep. It has saved me from replying harshly to emails or getting overly persuasive/aggressive at work. I wish we could ‘put off’ our reactions in our love lives to the next day as wisely.

    I do understand that you were upset with the profile pic with ex girlfriend. Did you take a moment, after the shock/rage/dread, to sink into your feelings? How did you feel? Disrespected? Unimportant? Uncared for? Or did you feel Frustration? (at him for being so *clueless*, perhaps?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:07am

  681. 681: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Ok found emails from Sirenity and Ruth in my junk email box. Oops! I promptly fixed that! ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:12am

  682. 682: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Lol SA I think it was the latter. I thought “You idiot!” Haha! :D

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:13am

  683. 683: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I was just replying to MrP’s email, well SA, I often wait a day especially when it’s email contact, I sleep over it to see whether my feelings have changed.
    I noticed that he wrote ‘keeping a property *while* out and about’, suggesting his move away is not permanent…interesting.
    I have made the decision that after all our history, if he tries to get close to me again and then says: ‘tadaaaaaa..and now I am off travelling/ moving for 1 year or 2, so guess what, I still can’t offer you any commitment’, then I will drop him cold. It would have just happened one time too many and I am no longer willing to partake in the movie of hot and cold.
    No no.
    I know what I want, and he better gets clear on what he wants also, else I will be flapping my wings out of that scenario very quickly.
    Happy that there are plenty of men wanting to meet with me, so I don’t need to ‘pretend’ to be busy, I will be busy looking after myself.
    Because in my gut, I feel that this could be dangerous..and I need to look after me!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:16am

  684. 684: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    I like your attitude Tam! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:19am

  685. 685: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens,

    I feel good today! I woke up, with a sore throat, but that feels better already. :) One thing that I haven’t been doing, is making many plans. I’ve been leaning back, taking life day by day…. but I want to get some firm plans on my calendar. Today, I’ll make some social plans and see how that feels.

    I’m choosing to focus on what I have that I love, and making a mental picture of where I want to be, or what I want my life to look like. I’m still having a hard time picturing what I really want. I say I want a relationship, but I don’t visualize it. If I can’t see it, how will it happen?

    So, homework to self today, create a mental picture full of feelings. How does it feel to me, who is in my life, what am I doing, where am I going….

    About the facebook, please don’t anyone feel intentionally left out. When it first started, Lizka was on here a lot and I know she was adding people. I made a fake profile, to secure my secrecy about the blog, but honestly, I haven’t logged on in months.

    I do miss Silver Moonbeam. Hope she is well! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:25am

  686. 686: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Turquoise @589.

    I will not let this situation drag on, there has to be very quick evolution, in days, for me to believe it is possible. I see what you are saying. This man is sooo stubborn Turquoise. He is an Italian Jew and family for him is EVERYTHING. He will not side step his kids. I know now clearly that it all stems from 11 yr old wanting his attention and the last weekend we were all together the Saturday night I watched a movie with M and 11 yr old when I usually go do yoga or read a book in bed while son and dad have their special time. I should have been wiser, but what is done is done. I blame myself for this, yes. But I don’t accept his blame. It is something we will need to discuss but for now and want reconnection.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:36am

  687. 687: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    All of this talk about healing reminds me of the song “Incomplete” by Alanis Morissette

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoJaAYOqDYg

    I did a “vision quest” on a the beach at sunrise once.
    I wanted to see big visions…spirit animals, G0d, the Buddha, angels, aliens, other worlds…something! Anything extraordinary!

    Instead, I felt a rush of energy surge through me. It was the most intensely painful blissful feeling I had ever felt. I was on my back, writhing in ecstatic pain like a lunatic, wanting to see G0d and you know what I saw?
    Alanis, standing in front of me, singing:
    “I have been running so
    Sweaty my whole life
    Urgent for the finish line
    And I have been missing the
    Rapture this whole time
    of being forever incomplete.”

    Over and over again, emphasis on the word “rapture”.

    :)

    I feel so much pain in my neck and shoulders right now, and a little tiny pinprick of pain in my heart.
    I know I’m way overdue leaving this job and the thing with C was a band-aid over the pain of being at this place. Working here feels like sitting in a dirty diaper. One of my co-workers is so crazy about this job because she’s been having an affair with the supervisor for the last 5 years so she’s with him all day and she has gushed to me before about how great this job is because, “look what we can get away with!”

    I feel like I’m outgrowing the need to “get away” with stuff, I need to grow, to mature, I need to feel expanded, more than! I need some darned relief from this pain! I feel like I’m stuck in a womb that’s too small, I’m not getting care and love and nutrition anyway, but afraid that leaving will lead to even more unbearable pain (birth trauma much!?).

    What am I really afraid of?
    I won’t get another job right away.
    Which means I can’t pay rent.
    Which means…late fees piling up
    or
    borrowing money from family (ick)
    or
    moving in with my mother (ick ick ick)
    or???
    homeless shelter
    or
    living in my car (done it before)

    Or
    Afraid that I might GET a job right away
    Won’t have the right clothes (I only have about 4 changes of clothes and they are appropriate for THIS environment, working at a refinery but not a nicer office job).

    or get an interview right away
    (not have the right clothes)
    fumbling through interview questions
    I feel so fat
    how to explain
    “Oh, yes, I owned my own business for 10 years and rocked it but suddenly the grief of a breakup plus old trauma plus a horrible self-abuse pattern sent me into a spiral of apathy and deeper self-abuse so I was jobless and then severely underemployed and I’m only now just beginning to give a rat’s butt about my life again and I’m really not sure what I want to do with my life because everything I ever thought I wanted no longer seems to apply…but yeah, definitely hire me!”
    Arrrh…rib cage pain

    Feels good, my hands caressing each other.

    Girl please!
    We survived the death of a child, the adoption of another, 25 years of raising a young man, we survived living in our car while pregnant, we’ve survived and survived and survived.
    I’m pretty sure we’d survive the shame of having to live with the madre again, too, if necessary
    but I can’t help but wonder if we can do better than that?
    Hmmm…

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:37am

  688. 688: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana and Emerson–I don’t meet men in person. There is nothing I do where I encounter men. If I’m at a Panera or some similar place, I’m eating (usually with my nose buried in a book) or grading (with my nose buried in papers) and am not scoping out men. I joined a bunch of Meetup groups last weekend, but so far I can’t go to any of the upcoming Meetups in the rest of the month because they’re too far away (like way on the west side of Cleveland, an hour drive each way) or conflict with other obligations.

    Daria, that’s my point–what am I supposed to cut back on? I am unhappy with myself, and adding men to the mix is not going to fix that. Just *trying* to add a man to the mix is making me even more miserable than I already feel. It is a waste of my time and energy to date when the work I need to do is getting happy with myself. That means running and going to the gym and busting my butt at school so I will be rehired next year.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:37am

  689. 689: TamNo Gravatar says:

    684 – BW, I am trying and I have learnt my lessons…btw, I like your attitude too, a bit of inspiration there ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:39am

  690. 690: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise have you ever tried Apple Cider vinger, it is good for sore throats too.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:39am

  691. 691: Siren AngelNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    I am keeping your words @589, Thank you. They resonate with me. They actually inspire me for a speech I will be preparing as I do not intend to let this situation drag on. Thank you.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:43am

  692. 692: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    685 Turquoise – I think that’s why I got stuck for a while. Like you, I have been having trouble picturing what I want. I really need to spend some time alone and let that come to me.

    SMB just recently posted on FB to offer her condolences to Flowerchild. Flowerchild has also posted a pic of her beautiful little granddaughter. It brought me to tears this morning as I was going to work on the train. :(

    It’s situations like this that make me realise just how lucky I am. I so feel for her…

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:43am

  693. 693: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion, there’s nothing wrong with having priorities that do not involve finding a man.

    If looking after you and what you want is your priority, then I say go for it!

    Yep it may delay the timeframe for Mr Right to come along, but if you’re prepared to wait, then what’s the problem?

    Your degree of difficulty btw is definitely NOT going to be an issue for you when you decide to get back into it again! lol

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:47am

  694. 694: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion, there’s nothing wrong with having priorities that do not involve finding a man.

    If looking after you and what you want is your priority, then I say go for it!

    Yep it may delay the timeframe for Mr Right to come along, but if you’re prepared to wait, then what’s the problem?

    Your degree of difficulty btw is definitely NOT going to be an issue for you when you decide to get back into it again! lol

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:47am

  695. 695: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    Oops double post!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:48am

  696. 696: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Why is life so good? :)

    Wow :)

    Mmmm Daria is coming with me to the grocery store

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:50am

  697. 697: Butterfly WingsNo Gravatar says:

    689 Tam – Awww thanks! This stuff takes time but we’re all getting there in our own time! :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:50am

  698. 698: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love nt fear and sadness!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:50am

  699. 699: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I have Healing Wise by Susun Weed too.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:54am

  700. 700: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, BW, getting there in our own time feels good.

    I am feeling ever so slightly concerned that I don’t live up to my high epectations of myself and throw all caution to the wind once in Florida…sun, fun and so on. Urgh. Must not!! ;)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:57am

  701. 701: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @617 Daria – You are totally right. It was leaning forward.

    I feel completely okay with it. If it were someone I was not interested in romantically that I really cared about as a person, I would have done it.

    I care about him as a person, therefore I stopped to say hi. I would have done it with anyone else. It feels icky to me to even consider not doing it. I would have felt icky seeing him and not having him say hi.

    Maybe it messed up the masculine/feminine energy dynamic between us, but I was in a hurry and I didn’t want to miss seeing him. It was worth it to me.

    Maybe if I had just leaned back, he would have stopped talking to his people and ran after me to make sure I saw him before I left the shop.

    Maybe he wouldn’t have talked to me at all, would have died with curiousity at catching a glimpse at me, and pursued the crap out of me from this moment forward.

    Maybe he wouldn’t have seen me at all, and I would be filled with an icky what-if energy.

    Maybe he wouldn’t have seen me, and I would feel completely non-chalent about it. (but I know myself, so I know that’s not true.)

    honestly, our whole relationship started with me leaning forward. (it was before I knew anything about Rori.)

    Even before Rori, I wasn’t one to lean forward.

    He was an exception, and even I can’t explain why.

    If I had never leaned forward with him, I would never have this inspiring beautiful man in my life.

    He may never be interested in me romantically because of the lean forwardness, but to me, his friendship has been worth it.

    I feel like the Universe was trying to tell me something.

    After my ranting yesterday about hating that feeling of feeling “bigger and better” than my man, I run into this guy who makes me feel like I CAN be everything I am and more, without him feeling threatened by my amazingness.

    He is an inspiration to me. Maybe not THE man of my dreams, but the kind of man who inspires me simply by living his life.

    I am not where I want to be yet in life, and that’s okay.

    It feels inspiring just knowing that men like him exist, and that maybe someday I’ll be at a place where I’ll feel worthy of their pursuit.

    It felt inspiring running into him.
    It felt great!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 5:59am

  702. 702: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    I sorta got to have a ‘redo’ last night.

    I was at D’s place, and feeling a cold vibe from him.

    I was stretching and taking care of my back.
    I said my back still feels stiff.
    I said “your old mattress feels scary to me right now.”
    He said “are hinting that you’re going to leave again like you often do?”
    I said “I don’t know, I still feel weird about us since my last metldown a few weeks ago. My back stiffness always comes out when I’ve been feeling constant tension for a length of time.
    I feel like I’m hanging, and that makes me tense up my muscles to sorta hold myself up.”

    No blame, no mention of him.
    It ended there as we were in front of the tv and both immediately got caught up in a documentary that started.

    I let it go, but for a change, I stayed there with my tense feeling justing observing myself and my body…I didn’t leave! Yey Me! :)

    I went to bed, and he reached for me and wrapped me up in his arms.
    He leaves for work while I’m still in bed.
    He usually just pops out of bed briskly and quickly leaves.
    This morning when his alarm clock rang, he immediately reached over to me to warmly kiss me and hug me.
    I responded warmly.
    That felt awesome!

    This is the 2nd time in a week I get slathered with affection without having to ask or reaching out…by simply ‘being’.

    I feel so relaxed and cozy with myself this morning :)
    I feel soft and mellow, cushioned and supported by love.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:27am

  703. 703: Memulo says:

    Maybe it’s a good idea to plain text back: two nights in a row- I want to be treated better.

    What do you sirens think?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:31am

  704. 704: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    When I got to bed, I kept switching the lamp off and on just to be a playful pain.
    Every time the light came on, he had a different posture and funny face to make me laugh.
    I giggled plenty :D
    It felt so good to giggle, it released alot of that tension.

    His son did that all weekend: Clowning around, anything to make me laugh.
    It felt so good to have him seek my attention :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:33am

  705. 705: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    703:

    Memulo,

    I’ve done that in the past…it didn’t work.
    It feels blamey and makes him feel bad.

    Something about that word ‘treated’, feels attacky to me.

    What worked better for me was “I feel unimportant, and it makes me feel sad. I don’t want to be feeling that way in a relationship.”

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:37am

  706. 706: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LiliBee he really has an issue with your leaving. I dunno I feel like leaning forward to suggest that you explore that. If he wants you around all the time what is he willing to do to keep that?

    The playfulness I believe is also an indication of what you could use to bond more deeply iwth him. Is my humble opinion.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:39am

  707. 707: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be treated better – Harsh demand as per CCarter. I am feeling pouty mouth and upset energy in these words.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:42am

  708. 708: Memulo says:

    Thank you LiliBee. Do you think it’s a good idea to text him that as opposed to waiting when he shows up?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:42am

  709. 709: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I want to be treated better – Create the environment that gets better treatment.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:42am

  710. 710: TamNo Gravatar says:

    708 Memulo…how about: not texting, stepping back, doing something really nice for yourself. No waiting.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:50am

  711. 711: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Even if still deciding to text, doing something nice for oneself, changes ones feelings, changes ones vibe, diffuses the anger and neediness so the words don’t spew out either as anger or pretend niceness.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:53am

  712. 712: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I have noticed that I have been checking my email obsessively, not being focused on myself. Oh nono Tam, that is a baaaaad idea.
    I don’t like that, so I shall remove myself and not log onto my emails for a few hours, get really into work and go for a run later.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 6:56am

  713. 713: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @617 Daria – I feel kind of curious about the other two guys who I totally leaned back with who talked to me.

    First, the one semi-dorky-seeming guy talked to the attractive guy, and the attractive guy kind of blew him off.

    Then, the semi-dorky guy talked to me, and I answered him respectfully and offered my thoughts and feelings freely and honestly.

    Once I had done that, the attractive guys interest seemed to peak in regards to me, so then the attractive guy started to ask me questions.

    Then the three of us were kind of talking intermittenly.

    It felt really connected and cool and interesting.

    The attractive guy had a beautiful name and was from Italy.

    I liked him. :)

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:02am

  714. 714: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    590: Miss Bells – I can really feel your boundaries and not putting up with this guy’s wishy washy junk, and it feels empowering to me. Yay you! I feel a little triggered by the way this guy is acting. I’ve read so much stuff written for guys that talks about “making a girl work for you” and “she can’t respect you unless she puts forth a little effort for you.” The judgmental part of me feels like its crap, written for insecure little boys who can’t measure up to real men. I feel moved by how you seem to hold your own.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:03am

  715. 715: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    591: Turquoise – I felt so moved and inspired reading about Mr. C and how you feel with him, and the boundaries you are setting for yourself. It feels strong and safe. I feel proud of you.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:04am

  716. 716: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    601: Emerson – in which program does Rori talk about Water wheel? I feel curious to check it out!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:04am

  717. 717: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel kind of silly. I just got an error message that said “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.”

    What in the world?

    That makes me feel kind of icky.

    I typed the previous comments onto a word doc first, and then just copied and pasted.

    I wonder why WordPress feels the need to tell me to slow down?

    Feels curious…

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:06am

  718. 718: TamNo Gravatar says:

    717 – that’s hilarious lama, I never had that…though sometimes I probably do post too fast..haha!!

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:09am

  719. 719: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.exrecoverysystem.com/women/?hop=gettheman&ep=0

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:18am

  720. 720: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Being addicted to Mr. Unavailable means that the challenge of “catching” or “taming” an emotionally unavailable man is a kind of drug for you. You love
    the feeling it gives you; it makes you feel alive in some way.
    Don’t worry; there is no blame here. I’m not saying that this is your fault! It’s the men who are not meeting you halfway. But, if you remember
    back to experiences you’ve had with emotionally unavailable men, you’ll probably remember that rush you felt whenever they threw a scrap of
    attention your way.
    Hey, it happens to the best of us. After all, a player wouldn’t be such a common type if his game wasn’t working on a large number of women – with all the self-confidence problems we have all on our own, the positive attention from a player can be downright intoxicating.
    A married man who works so hard and risks so much
    to spend time with you makes you feel special.
    But when it comes down to it, it’s your addiction to their behavior that allows them to behave so badly.
    So, take a moment, be brutally honest with yourself, and see if maybe you’ve got a touch of that addiction in your relationship history.

    Alexandra Fox

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:28am

  721. 721: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He appears when you’re depressed and vulnerable. In my opinion, this is the worst behavior – because, after all, who doesn’t love it when someone comes to them in their time of need? But this is how an
    emotionally unavailable man “gets in good” with you. It’s his way of appearing emotionally available, but it’s only for that specific situation; when times are better, he becomes bored with you and he’s
    nowhere to be found.
    • He likes being spoiled. Plainly put, women are givers. This means that normally, we have to curtail our instincts to spoil men. So when we find a man who enjoys the nice things we do for him, we tend to see that as a positive, and we also see it as a sign that he’s willing to be serious about the relationship. But really, this is his way of helping
    you to feel emotionally connected – while not showing any availability of his own.

    • Another reason for wanting to be spoiled is that he is not looking for a lover – or rather a partner, like Luke – he’s looking for a “mommy” who will take care of him. It’s the true essence of emotional
    unavailability in these types, because, like a child in a mother-child relationship, they don’t have to work hard to make it happen; they just know that someone will be there for them. If they’ve never had to show emotional availability before, they’re certainly not going to start now!

    Aleandra Fox

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:36am

  722. 722: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Summary – Secret #5:

    Some less obvious signs of emotionally unavailable men include that he appears when you’re depressed and vulnerable. He likes being spoiled (he’s
    looking for a mother, not a lover). And he tries to control you.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:39am

  723. 723: Goddess LilyNo Gravatar says:

    Is it ok to include exes in rotation when circular dating?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 7:44am

  724. 724: RadloveNo Gravatar says:

    Goddess Lily,

    I think so. I do. It’s experience in dating and in inner healing, right?

    There is a new thread up.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 8:18am

  725. 725: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Lilibee
    I feel smily reading your story
    what I especially like is the fact that you had that serious conversation in feeling messages and it didnt even come to a conclusion and yet your vibe still shifted and he was affectionate

    that feeels good to read

    Thats one doesnt *have* to have an immediate conclusion or answer

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 8:23am

  726. 726: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    #590
    Yes–this was an OK Cupid guy I had met ONCE before. I had no intention of going to his house. So after taking a long walk which I DID want, I found myself waiting for him sitting on a cold marble fountain in the dark downtown. He lives 5 minutes from downtown and I waited 20. That was enough I say.
    He COULD have said–”meet me for a drink at the wine bar. I still wouldn’t have waited more than 20 minutes but it would have felt nicer. And what is with the down vibe when I say I’m busy–and the “you call ME when you have TIME.” We only went out ONCE!!!
    Where are the men who get it that they LOWER themselves in my eyes by not being the one to call me, and by not nailing down my next available time without pouting.
    If you insist I call you you just turned into the girl and I’m not interested.
    On my walk home from the fountain I stopped in the 24 hour health club and found out I can afford it, so it wasn’t a total waste.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 9:28am

  727. 727: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    725:

    Thank You for sharing your view Ruth.

    You help bring home how I really ‘got’ how to ‘just be’ and let go of any outcome and any form of control. All FM was about ME ONLY, nothing about him or what he did…and I ended up getting more of what I want from him.

    It lead to me feeling ‘connected’ to myself and him.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 10:34am

  728. 728: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    706:

    Hi FW:

    He did share that me leaving every time I feel overwhelmed is contradictory to my wanting more open communication, and that makes him feel mistrustful of my commitment intentions.

    I am being contradictory by saying I want more open communication while running off instead of staying to talk things over.

    He sees the lack of integrity between my intentions and my actions which leads to ‘mistrust’.

    This lack of integrity issue of mine was pointed out to me when I participated in the Landmark Forum in 2009.

    I stayed last night! Yeeey I’m healing! :)

    I’ve been listening to Reconnect your Relationship over again in my car for the past few days.
    Rori says in there “We can get more scared of getting what we want than not getting it.”

    When I get his attention with my feelings, I feel scared and uncomfortable and I bolt.

    How he reacted to my feelings last night, after I decided to stay, is exactly what he needs to do to get me to stay.
    He showed me love and affection even if I didn’t feel great.

    He’s the 1st man ever in my life to stay around and give me affection every single time I feel ‘off’.
    I do feel scared to get what I’ve always wanted and never had.

    And you know what?
    I noticed last night that for the 1st time, I didn’t feel ‘ashamed’ for my feelings.
    I never even noticed that I had felt ‘ashamed’ for my feelings until I didn’t.

    This man is quite the learning experience for myself.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 10:59am

  729. 729: Memulo says:

    Thank you for your help, Tam, Lili and FW!

    I did not contact him. But received a text that he is in trouble again because of the ex. Should I ask what happened? Or reply something sympathetic?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 12:27pm

  730. 730: SassyNo Gravatar says:

    What if we all woke up tomoro and had NO memories, NO past, NO previous pain, NO Prior relationships?
    How would you go forward? What would you like your life to look like?

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 1:42pm

  731. 731: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Grrrr. I feel irritated, I read words literally and write them literally. I feel so frustrated when other people not on hear different forum then respond and write things that I have not written. Changing my words to then give totally different meaning and making stuff up. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH, Vampire scream!!!!! I feel sad that I have no control over others doing this. Sometimes it feels so very difficult to communicate and then I feel lonely sad. It feel great when I have those rare moment where i just gell with someone and this doesn’t happen.

    I really really really dislike evasive wishy washy language it makes me feel off balance and unsafe. It feels meaningless and non committal. It’s like I am talking to a politician, I feel manipulated when this happens it makes me feel unnerved,

    My heart hurts. Why does it hut I don’t know it just does.

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 2:19pm

  732. 732: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I choose to have the sureness that I am fulfilling my destiny.

    yum.

    planning on using that as my choice w EFT

    Wednesday, 12 September 2012 @ 3:14pm

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