What happens when we “label” a man? Meaning – labeling a man “toxic” or a “sociopath” or a “narcissist,” as we do sometimes here, and as I do in my Toxic Men program.
The “Law of Attraction” concern is that if we start thinking about men in those confining ways – we’ll create more of that in the world, and sort of fulfill our own expectations around attracting men we label with those “qualities.”
Well…though I want us to pay attention to what we’re “putting out into the world” in terms of our thoughts - I’m totally NOT concerned with what we put into the world with our feelings.
Paying attention to our feelings and following the trail our emotions provide to lead us to how we “create” our thoughts and our experiences is the biggest asset we have!
What I want us to watch for is what happens when we RESIST our feelings.
It is always, to me – crucial to FEEL what we’re feeling, and then, if we choose to go in a different direction, one that feels better, that feels like more of a contribution to the world than another spear chucked into it, we shift OTHER things.
We shift ACTIONS. We simply DO something different. Or we IMAGINE something different.
This is very different than resisting – it’s sort of leaning into a curve, or – you know how they say to get out of a skid in your car? You don’t slam on the brake, and you don’t give up the wheel – you DRIVE through it.
And as we shift something we CAN shift – something we may have written down, or know in advance that it feels good to us – our thoughts shift with it, and then our feelings shift (because, really, it’s not a big wrench-like thing to shift feelings – it’s all in the Soup – and we’re just touching a different feeling in that Soup.
Yes – each feeling may have it’s own vibration – some vibrate faster or slower or higher or lower – but they’re all in there.
And as for labeling – in my Toxic Men program, I really try to explain these labels, because it just helps sometimes to get clear on some things.
Sometimes we have great difficulty feeling what feels good and what feels bad, and we need some kind of objective help.
The only way we can bring something like that into our love life is to help us break patterns – in other words – the last 5 men in my life were like “that.”
They had “those” qualities, and they scored “that” on my Toxic Men quiz, and so I know that “that’s” what I’m attracted to and what I attract.
So I can notice “that” more quickly now.
This is helpful.
This has absolutely nothing to do with FEAR.
I don’t believe in worrying that I’ll attract something I’m afraid of.
That will make me more afraid, and make me want to resist feeling my fear.
I’d rather look at it this way…
I feel this feeling.
Or, I’ve been through this experience, now what?
What can I learn?
How can I take this experience and this fear apart and shift it to something that feels good, and takes me in a direction that feels good, and releases my hold on that old thing I was focusing on?
And most important – Do I want to keep feeling this feeling over and over and over again? If I DON’T – then, what thought or activity or choice or judgment is leading me to a place where I feel that feeling?
Here’s how you work it – you use the feeling you have to retrace the thought that helped the feeling come about. If every time you eat yogurt, or a candy bar, or a diet soda you feel awful after – then that’s easy – the yogurt, candy, soda is not sitting well with you.
Same with a thought. The thought “He’s going to hurt me” makes you feel bad, makes you remember hurt, and makes you see a new man through the lens of that feeling.
Thinking - “Oh…I feel so attracted to him…he’s my one and only…” creates a feeling where you become AFRAID of LOSING him.
The FEELINGS are your CLUES.
And – just trying to turn those thoughts around doesn’t work, because you really won’t “buy” that immediate reverse.
The only way to change your thoughts and beliefs is to follow your feelings, and then SWITCH your thoughts, actions, attention onto something ELSE – something that creates a better feeling.
So…“He’s my one and only” can become “I’m so damned sexy!” or “Oh…that little dog is SO sweet!” or “I can’t wait to clean out that drawer” or “Wow, that guy in the corner is looking at me.” And you pet yourself, or you pet the dog, or you smile at the new man with a completely open heart…and then you can smile at the man you feel so attached to with an open heart, too…and just allow the new feelings to flow.
It’s not magic. but, if you practice these techniques and tools all day long, and before you go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning – it’s pretty magical how quickly you feel better and stronger and more powerful around EVERYTHING in your life.
Then, the thought and label “he’s toxic” can refer to your feeling BAD when you’re with him…and then you can pay more attention to everything you’re feeling and speak about it to him – even in those “label” terms.