Is He Off Limits Because He Has a Girlfriend?

Here’s a hot topic on the blog right now:

First I want to tell you how much your tools have helped me and how thankful I am to have found you. I feel so much more open, authentic, happy and feminine (& comfortable in my femininity) since I started using your tools about 6 months ago.

I know that you say a girlfriend doesn’t make a guy off limits, but I can’t find where and am having a hard time getting comfortable with that. I’m super intrigued by a guy I work with (but not closely. He’s only in the office once a week for about half an hour) but who has a girlfriend. He’s made it no secret that he’s attracted, but when he took me out a couple months ago, he mentioned he has a girlfriend.

We haven’t seen each other since, but we talk often. He’s a combination of masculine, caring and sensitive that I’m finding hard to resist and is admittedly unhappy with her. I told him I felt curious about why he’s with her if he’s obviously not happy with her. I found it more endearing that he didn’t  speak badly of her, just says they fight all the time and she keeps saying she’s moving out of state and he tells her, “then go!” But she stays. Apparently they dated awhile ago, and she got pregnant but he wasn’t the only one he was sleeping with. He’s been helping to raise the baby anyway.

When I’m around him I feel feminine, open & genuine – like he brings out all of my very best qualities & it seems it’s only a matter of time before the girlfriend is history. It’s so easy for me to practice the tools on him and I like that – alot. I have no intention of taking this any further as long as the gf is around. I keep feeling guilty that we’re so flirty, but remind myself that she’s a girlfriend, not a wife. There are lots of questions, but seemingly no good answers around this subject on the blog right now. I’m wondering what your advice would be in this situation.”

Okay – I want to clean this up.

Let’s say you’ve got Targeting Mr. Right – and you’re Circular Dating.  You are a Circular Dating Diva.”

You meet a guy who flirts with you and even asks you out once.

He shows up at your work occasionally because he works there occasionally, and always flirts with you.

He told you on your date that he has a girlfriend. Who has a baby. He’s not clear on whether or not the baby is his baby, too. (If you’d like to help me get this straight, I’d love it…otherwise, we’ll just call it a question mark.)

Now…you like him.

He’s perfect.

He’s attracted to you – you can tell.

And….that’s it. That’s all there is.

You don’t have to do anything until HE does something.

The girlfriend means NOTHING – unless it means something to HIM! He’s “fair game” in that you need have no guilt feelings about dating him.

BUT – if he’s in love with her – you’re never going to get close to him.  Not going to happen.

If she’s a “for now” girlfriend – you have as excellent chance of him moving closer to you as HE has of getting closer to you. In other words, the playing field is “level.”

So – here’s the deal: Are you wasting your time and energy on him?

And the answer is ALWAYS YES!!!!!

No matter WHAT the circumstances (he’s recently separated, just divorced, getting divorced, living with a girlfriend but not in love with her….whatever) the ONLY thing that matters is what he DOES around YOU.

If he makes a lot of effort to see you, then you get to set your perimeters of how you want this to look (he has to be officially separated or divorced, he has to move out of the girlfriend’s house…whatever you want…).

If he makes a lot of effort to see you, it’s exactly the same as with any OTHER man you’re Circular Dating.

If he makes a little bit of effort to see you – it’s STILL the same as with any other man you’re Circular Dating.

If he makes no effort at all to see you – then –there’s not even anything to Circular Date with.

He’s either there or he isn’t.

It might take time to find out where this man is.  In the meantime – you Circular Date him.  That means you flirt, you have coffee – whatever HE invites you to…and you observe. You observe to see if you’re a good match, if you’re on the same page, if you’re in the same place.

If you start to feel uncomfortable, you back off. You stop Circular Dating him.

I know this sounds way too simple – but it IS SIMPLE!!!

Just by trying to figure this out – you’re giving him WAY too much power!

See if you can take his circumstances and this other woman out of the picture, and just respond to him the way you would ANY man. Practice with him the way you would ANY man. Stay OPEN to him the way you would ANY man.

Can you break the situation down this way?  It requires stripping away all the extra stuff that’s crowding your thinking around this. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with his girlfriend/no-girlfriend situation.

He’s either there with you or he’s not.

Let’s see what he does.

YOU, in the meantime, Circular Date and keep in good touch with how you’re FEELING. Because here’s what the REAL problem is:

Because you’re unsure about the “logistics” of his situation, it’s making it so you can’t be open, authentic, warm, openly attracted to him, confident with him.  All the Modern Siren things you know how to be. You can’t practice drawing him in, because you’re feeling confused and guilty about his “situation.”

You’ve created a situation here with a man who you don’t know his actual “availability.”  So….FORGET ABOUT THAT!!!

Just Circular Date him. Practice trusting yourself in the moment instead of trying to guess what’s going on, and what’s going to go on several moments from now.

He’ll fill in the blanks as you go – and if there’s nothing there – you won’t be invested because – you KNOW how to do this!!

If you’d like to take a look at Targeting Mr. Right – which is the program for this kind of situation…here’s the link:Targeting Mr. Right

Love, Rori

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1,541 Comments to “Is He Off Limits Because He Has a Girlfriend?”

  1. 1: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Top of the World…again. A good sign. 😀 I’ll go read Rori’s post now…


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 4:50pm

  2. 2: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I know you love being on top, SLV! Tehehehe

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:12pm

  3. 3: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Very interesting article…. hmm…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:17pm

  4. 4: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “If you start to feel uncomfortable, you back off. You stop Circular Dating him.”

    I assume that applies to ALL men, not just those with gf’s. I like that. It’s better than having to just not be repulsed by him in order to stop.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:19pm

  5. 5: DeniseNo Gravatar says:

    I like the advice to “trust yourself in the moment”.

    I have urged myself to do this- and enjoy those precious moments we share without expectation. Life is so short, we must practice until perfect.

    Additionally, showing up is a huge % of the job- when I was younger I had no idea that reliability would be vital to my needs. If the guy shows up, is reliable, (and accountable) attractive, and agreeable, wow, the bases are loaded, it is heading towards a home run!
    = Can’t help myself- it is the World Series!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:19pm

  6. 6: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @2: Denise says:

    “…I know you love being on top, SLV! Tehehehe”

    Yes, I do. Yippee Ki-yay! 😀


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:25pm

  7. 7: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know why, but I’m totally feeling like asking a guy out right now. No one in particular. Is it a Halloween vibe or something?? I have felt like this the last two days. Hmmm… I wonder if this is the time of year when I asked my favorite boyfriend in the world (former fiance) to the Sadie Hawkins banquet before we had started dating. It was sometime in the fall. Probably end of October! And it went very well….

    I feel rebellious.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:32pm

  8. 8: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe. Just found out Sadie Hawkins Day is the first Saturday in November. :)

    Wow. It’s like I’m feeling the good vibe from way back in college. It was a couple weeks after that date that he kissed me the first time and I was very surprised bc we were friends and I didn’t know he felt the same way about me that I did about him — until he kissed me. It was the best first kiss ever, emotionally. Wow. I remember it so well. (WH’s was the best first kiss physically. Smokin’.)

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:44pm

  9. 9: RTCathyNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooh I am so angry right now, I went on a fab date with BMW man today, he took me bowling, cooked me dinner, told me how beautiful I was. It was perfect… almost. He is so rushing everything though, he wants me with him all the time, he wants to get physical, he says I am being unfaithful if I CD, it tests my boundries big time. He gets annoyed when i state my feelings around boundries.
    Tonight I tried to give him the feel good with him but dont want to move into physical relationship speech and he said that I am just projecting my previous bad relationships onto this situation! Arggggggghhhhh. then he said next time I come over maybe I will feel more comfortable and stay overnight (i’ve been seeing him for three weeks).
    I wonder if he is unable to look at it from my point of view, I know this is a bit strong but he does have an almost sociopathic charm!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 5:56pm

  10. 10: Flora*No Gravatar says:

    Rori, I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now and we are both about to complete our divorces. We see each other most weekends and he is very attentive, looks after me really well and does all the calling and arranging of dates. However, we never talk about anything serious for the future, we both have a child and I am feeling let down about this. A couple of weeks ago I asked him what he saw for us and he said he didn’t know so I did the no girlfriend speech and said I was going to be open to offers from other men, although wanted to remain sexually exclusive to him. He said he understood and then became sulky. Since then he has been calling less and has been moody, insecure and detached. I am wondering what to do next. It seems pointless to stay with a man who isn’t even considering a future, whether I am circular dating or not. What do you advise?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:05pm

  11. 11: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @9: RTCathy says:

    “… then he said next time I come over maybe I will feel more comfortable and stay overnight (i’ve been seeing him for three weeks)…”

    Hmmm, then in that situation I wouldn’t be “going over” for about two months or until I felt entirely comfortable. What do you think?


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:18pm

  12. 12: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding the post…I’m rebelling…I would not date a man with a girlfriend. If he has a girlfriend, and is going out on her without her knowledge, then he is dishonest and not a man of integrity. If he does it to her, then he might do it to me.

    Sorry RR…it’s not always about getting what I want at the expense of another AND what the heck would a woman want with a liar and cheat anyway?

    If he doesn’t want to be with his GF then he should do the honorable thing and break up with her, THEN date someone else.

    I’m ashamed to admit I’ve been through this situation myself. It’s tough when you meet someone you connect with, but not worth it.

    OK, Sirens, go ahead and blast me for bucking the system.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:21pm

  13. 13: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I hear ya, Honey. I still feel uncertain about the whole thing. I feel confused about TN man connecting with me the way he does when he has a girlfriend. But I think he probably didn’t promise her exclusivity.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:27pm

  14. 14: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    RTCathy –

    What evidence does he have that this has something to do with your previous relationships?

    Maybe you’re just not freakin’ ready! Doesn’t he care at all about how you feel? If he cares, he will wait until you are ready. He’s only thinking about what HE wants and what HE needs, and he’s probably used to getting it. But that doesn’t mean you have to give it to him when he’s not ready. He is expecting the moon after 3 weeks. And really, it doesn’t matter what he expects…this is about you and what you want.

    Ooooo…I feel triggered. Probably because it is easy for me to fall for a trap like the one he is setting. It is so much easier to talk boundaries when it is SOMEONE ELSES situation and not mine!

    Once I’m getting hooked on someone, please Sirens, talk me down!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:29pm

  15. 15: LuzyNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Honey I agree with you. I make my own way to Circular Date. I can’t go on many dates anyway I hardly have the time for 2 or 3 guys during the weekend why would I waste my time with some one who is already showing red flags.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:41pm

  16. 16: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ok…now I’m triggered!!!

    Posted on the other thread about this great convo I had w/a financial advisor who was on his way to play tennis and was going to call me back after the match in “no more than an hour and a half”…it’s now been an hour and 45 mins and still no call…I just don’t get it!

    I thought our conversation flowed so well on the phone and yet here he is basically standing me up!!! I could make excuses for him (the match lasted longer than he thought, he ended up hanging out talking with his tennis partners, etc.), but the fact of the matter is that he isn’t calling when he said he would and that’s a really crappy way to start a “relationship”…of course, maybe he doesn’t give a crap about having a relationship because so far, his efforts haven’t been particularly impressive (txted me a couple of times after he got my number but waited a week to actually give me a call).

    I know I shouldn’t be all caught up in one guy, but I was really starting to buy into the idea of “poetic justice” where the guy who broke my heart would actually be bested by the next guy…sigh. What a disappointment :( .

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:50pm

  17. 17: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I agree w/u, Honey. If the guy’s not man enough to go ahead and break up w/his gf before he goes out with someone else, he’s likely to pull the same stunt on you when your time comes…I say — it’s not worth it!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 6:52pm

  18. 18: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Well, tennis guy finally txted me just now — he said he got caught up on the phone w/a guy who’s doing work on his house and apologized for not calling back. Then he asked me if I wanted to do lunch or something low key on the way to see his parents (he lives 90 mins away and passes through my city on the way to see his parents).

    I don’t know…I think he still could have called, even though he was 30 mins late…I guess it’s possible he thought 10pm was too late to be calling at all, but even so, I would have appreciated the gesture. And I really prefer to meet for a drink instead of lunch…I don’t really “do” lunch, other than my protein shakes. I’m trying to appreciate what he’s offering here, but does that mean I have to accept exactly what he’s offering?

    I think I’m going to wait until tomorrow to reply, but I don’t know what to say. What do you think?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:07pm

  19. 19: ChrissyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a huge problem with this post and the idea in general. Some girlfriends never become wives. They are happy to be live in girlfriends. So I am very uncomfortable with the statement “she’s a girlfriend not a wife” as if that makes it ok to move in on another woman’s man!

    I am a girlfriend. We live together and are moving towards marriage but I am still a girlfriend. It would never be acceptable in our relationship for my boyfriend to be going on dates and flirting with another woman. I would consider that to be cheating and a relationship dealbreaker.

    I am so triggered by this post I almost dont want to visit this site anymore! To advocate going after someone else’s partner as a way of practising your tools feels so disrespectful to me

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:19pm

  20. 20: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glad and very in tune with this post.

    My feeling good is never at the expense of another I am sure of this.

    If it felt that way … that would go under “uncomfortable”

    Rori also mentions requiring he move out the house wiht her, breaking up, etc… if he is pursuing us strongly

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:21pm

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think all the triggering is a good thing! yay!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:21pm

  22. 22: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    Oh my, I’m just going to give it to you straight…cut the guy some slack. Yo were mad after he was late 15 minutes! My first thought was, “Maybe he’s on the toilet and it’s taking awhile.” LOL

    Sometimes things come up and you have to deal with them. I know they do for me – either with my kids or with some kind of business. It’s not like he stood you up and you were waiting for him at some restaurant with no clue where he was. He apologized and I think that’s fine – he acknowledged he kept you waiting and called as soon as he could.

    Don’t be too hard on him until you know his situation. He might be really busy right now or working hard on his career and a great guy…or he could be a flake. It’s too soon to know.

    If you’re angry, wait until tomorrow and sleep on it.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:22pm

  23. 23: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @11: Honey says:

    “If he does it to her, then he might do it to me.

    Oh, I think he would. I don’t need the aggravation. If he’s a new guy why add him to the rotation? If he’s added the girlfriend while we were CDing then I don’t need him anymore. Either way, I wouldn’t want him.

    And that’s just for casual kind of “girlfriends.” I would certainly be uncomfortable going out on the town with a guy whose pregnant girlfriend is large with child on the other side of town. That would feel yucky to and I would not respect a man deciding to have dating relationships while in that circumstance.

    So I’m not a “whole siren” it seems. I’m OK with that…


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:23pm

  24. 24: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — yah, that’s why I’m waiting til tomorrow to get back with him…cause I got irritated. He’s my first real foray back into the dating world and my guard is on extra high right now, especially because he’s a very good looking man who I’m sure has lots of women to choose from…I’m a little paranoid about this one, whereas w/Blondie, I just didn’t give a crap.

    So…what I was wondering, though, was what to say about meeting for a drink instead of lunch. I mean, I realize it would be “convenient” for him to just grab lunch on the way to his parents’ house, but I’d rather know he’s willing to go out of his way for me up front…he seemed genuinely nice on the phone, but like I said, he’s very handsome, so I’m a little paranoid about letting him get away with much…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:28pm

  25. 25: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    if he does it to her super does NOT mean he’ll do it to me


    I am a different woman…

    that would be like me not marrying a man because i didn’t marry another

    it’s about the emotional connection

    and what a woman will not tolerate

    all the gfs are getting triggered … probably because it feels unsafe to realize that there’s no real commitment until there’s a forever commitment

    either you will be forever, or he (or she) Will leave… and to another woman of course

    it’s all good

    we all have past relationships… and many people get into gf/bf situations because its a habit

    it doesn’t mean they intend to be with that person forever

    so when someone else comes along, and that may be their “forever”… then they will leave and pursue her

    it can happen in marriages too…

    it’s the emotional connection that matters


    and there’s really no fear of going too far… because a woman aware of her feelings will start to feel uncomfortable much earlier

    for example, i feel uncomfortable as soon as he says… “i should tell you i have a gf”



    i don’t want to hear about other women!!!!


    “i live with a girl, but we’re not really together anymore”

    ok, you can see me…

    but if i start liking him then “i don’t feel comfortable getting close to you – I wouldn’t feel SAFE – knowing you go home to another woman”

    so, any “issue” gets shot in the foot really early

    there is no point to focus thinking wise on whats going on with him

    focusing on my feelings takes care of any issues before they start

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:30pm

  26. 26: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    And no man would be able to do the same thing to me anyway… because I don’t become a gf…

    I will only go for marriage… and I think the guy working hard enough to claim me, provide for me, and be honest with me and make me feel safe will make his commitment clear to me

    theres never a guarantee… but that effort is pretty much all the guarantee i need

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:34pm

  27. 27: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee – it’s bested by Another guy, not necessarily by the next guy…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:35pm

  28. 28: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I usually tell guys I’d prefer to meet for coffee or a drink first. Lots of people do that.

    The needing to know if he’d “go out of his way” for you sounds a bit defensive…which is understandable given what you’ve gone through lately. At the same time, just putting him through a “test” sounds a bit controlling…again understandable because you are trying to protect yourself from hurt. Testing someone is different from just setting a boundary. This is your masculine energy that you are holding onto. Do you think maybe you could let it go and relax into your feminine energy with no expectations?

    If you really aren’t comfortable meeting for lunch, and a drink would feel better, then it would be sireny to let him know that. But if you really are ok with lunch, why not? At the very least you get a free lunch. lol And he might be a really nice guy. He could be your next prince charming or he could be a pleasant lunch companion and that’s it. Either way, it’s a good opportunity to practice your tools.

    Renee, I know you are afraid of getting hurt. You must trust yourself enough to know that you can take care of yourself. Even if you make a mistake, you will be ok.

    Now I need to go copy this post so I can email it to myself the next time I feel the same way you do right now. LOL

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:39pm

  29. 29: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee #27 is for you…forgot to put your name first.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:40pm

  30. 30: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @24: Daria says:

    “…we all have past relationships… and many people get into gf/bf situations because its a habit…”

    I believe most of the concerns expressed here are about relationships that are not yet “past.” No matter what a man says to me, it’s his actions and pattern of behavior which reveal his character.




    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:43pm

  31. 31: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    i cut and pasted but dont know how i got all teh slc slv sigh,,,

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:44pm

  32. 32: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    I don’t know about that. ALL relationships go through rough patches…sometimes what gets you through is the committment you made whether you feel like being a certain way or not. A committment is a committment. A man can break the committment with a wife or GF – but a man of integrity will be honest about it and not sneak around. He at least owes a woman honesty. Even if they are not getting along, she is a human being.

    It IS about him. I want a man of integrity that does not shift with the wind, or go out on me because we are not getting along well at the moment. Love to me is not only about feelings…it is also an action, regardless of the feeling of the moment.

    I stand by my #11 post of rebellion.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:49pm

  33. 33: LuzyNo Gravatar says:

    I deleted my POF account; One of the reasons I was feeling frustrated was that I met P there in June. I hated when I was online at the same time as him and I start feeling all angry. He was online, but could not send me a text or an email? and I will feel frustrated. I will be using other sites, he can take his POF and shove it (lol). I am feeling better the more I flirt and the more busy I keep myself. I deserve better!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:49pm

  34. 34: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    A marriage committment is only as good as the man who makes it.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:50pm

  35. 35: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria and Honey — I prefer to meet for a drink for a couple of reasons, one of which is that I don’t really do lunch — I just drink protein shakes during the day so I can eat a full dinner and still keep my weight down, none of which I wanted to explain to him, so I wrote him back (I guess I calmed down enough to write him back after all:) and said I enjoyed talking with him as well and that making plans to meet sounded good but that I “would feel more comfortable meeting for a drink than for lunch…more relaxing that way…what do you think?” He just replied “fine by me”, so as long as he calls w/i the next 2 days as he indicated he would, I’m good…

    I think I’ve also got my guard up more because I just read an article over on BaggageClaim about not making excuses for men and it really resonated with me, cause I’ve been really into making excuses lately when what I should have been doing was calling a spade a spade. On BaggageClaim, they would reframe “maybe he just got tied up and didn’t have time to call” with “he’s not calling when he said he would”, etc…I’m probably going a little overboard w/not wanting to make excuses for him at this point, but it would feel so good if he (or one of the other guys I’m talking to) would really step up and do exactly what he says he’s going to do, you know?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:53pm

  36. 36: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, 24 and 25 – I totally, 100% agree. I feel really nervous to comment on this one since I got blasted last time. I feel proud of you for posting! I really get this now. Thank you for being brave!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:54pm

  37. 37: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – in that case… you would probably feel “uncomfortable” from the very beginning when a man mentions another woman

    I do too

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:54pm

  38. 38: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – thanks! I love being called brave!

    The irony of possibly being misunderstood

    is that

    I would probably be less likely to get involved with a man who says he has a girlfriend – than a woman who’s busy thinking about/competing with the gf in her mind

    I would instantly feel “not treated well” just hearing something about another woman

    I’ve babystepped to this

    It was really clear when it happened with a guy on the phone… and he said that…

    and i felt turned off and did not pick up his second call

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  39. 39: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t even want to hear about EX !! girlfriends…

    Dman was good practice for that

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 7:59pm

  40. 40: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not about “going after a man”

    It’s about a shift in perception – to MY FEELINGS – that simply prevents anything that doesn’t feel good from happening

    and a man who says he has a gf is Not going to feel good to me

    unless I’m doing some wild experiments… that likely will end up not feeling good anyway…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:01pm

  41. 41: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    That’s exactly what happened with me. I felt weird and uncomfortable with the possibility of a GF. I had some other interesting insights along the way but mostly felt reservations about it. And it played out exactly as I thought it would. I pretty much said I don’t date men with GFs (solid boundary now), and he dropped out of sight. He still texts me randomly but nothing serious. And frankly I feel bored with him. Not even worth my time. He’s either in front of me with purpose or he’s not.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:02pm

  42. 42: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    I hear ya. I make excuses too. Only I kind of think I know I’m making excuses when I’m making them…which sounds even more psychotic.

    Most people go overboard a little when they learn something new, then eventually find the middle ground. I’m probably going overboard with all this goddess stuff and sound like a total B___ to these poor guys. But whatever…it’s all part of the process.

    I really appreciate having this group to discuss things with. Sometimes it’s hard to know if I’m being too rough or too easy on a guy, and it helps me to sort out my feelings and see what my issues are,

    I’m on a lunch date with Mr. Richie tomorrow. I’m totally not invested but am open to surprises! If he’s boring, so what. If he’s an ass, so what. If he’s fantastic but just not that into me, so freakin’ what! And I need to remember that if he’s fantastic and IS into me, STILL so what. It takes a long time to get to know someone. But if that happens, I will feel weak, so I will just have to get on here so everyone can talk me down! LOL I am a sucker for love!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:03pm

  43. 43: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am open however to dating a man who lives with another woman… if he’s telling me he’s no longer interested in her… i choose to believe the man

    she may be doing the clingy wacko dance

    at a point, however, if he still lives with her while getting close to me… probably a very EARLY point…

    I will no longer feel comfortable

    then he will get the:

    “I really don’t feel comfortable getting close to a man who lives with another woman… I feel jealous and weird…

    I really like you and it would feel Great to see you when you have moved out”

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:04pm

  44. 44: KarenNo Gravatar says:

    As always, Rori, you hit the nail right on the head! Keep them coming, I love these jewels that give me a new perspective every time. :)

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:06pm

  45. 45: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, yes! I so get that. I felt the tug of the competitive thing. Powerful in a very deceptive way. I’ve done that with every man I’ve ever dated, just on the opposite side. He’s MY man, ya know? And now I get that it just doesn’t feel good when he’s not full-on 100% pursuing just me. In the beginning maybe but after awhile, no. I don’t want to “win” that badly. There will be another man to come along shortly.

    In good news, I’m emailing with several boys right now, with two strong contenders. Haven’t talked on the phone yet but this part feels fun so far, no pressure. I feel good and getting good feeling message practice. Who knows. I feel smiley and that feels REALLY good these days.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:13pm

  46. 46: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    What is “Baggage Claim?”


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:18pm

  47. 47: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    I think I get what you’re saying. Are you saying you trust your feelings to take you down the path you need to go? You are more in touch with your feelings than I am. I would not feel safe to do that at this point in my life. I’m not sure how I will feel about it in the future.

    Regarding a man talking about another woman, that really doesn’t bother me too much. If he was talking a lot about another woman he was dating – yeah, that would bother me and it would be rude. But talking about women from the past, whether positive or negative experiences, tells me about that guy. I WANT to know what happen with his divorce or past GFs…maybe not on the first date, but definitely as time goes on. These women and experiences helped shape who he is today.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:24pm

  48. 48: ElayneNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, #4…Amen! I had the same thought. Went on a horrible CD last Saturday and was wondering if I had to keep going out with him just to practice…decided I could practice on someone I liked just a bit more.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:33pm

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – yes I did mean I trust my feelings to take me on the right path

    and sometimes men telling me about exes in the context of past feels ok too…

    however, I was referring to situations where he tells me about exes more in a way to vent, or just keeps bringing her up, and it’s not to tell me something about himself…

    well i had this happen with a guy I was seeing…

    he would just vent to me about what his baby’s mother did to him

    I actually hung up on him and didn’t talk to him for 3 months — after I figured out that it didn’t feel good to me —

    he Still did it later, but I kept saying i don’t feel good and backing away everytime… so he’s mostly stopped

    it was a CONSTANT thing

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:40pm

  50. 50: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “Just Circular Date him. Practice trusting yourself in the moment instead of trying to guess what’s going on, and what’s going to go on several moments from now.”

    Just about everytime I come here, there’s something that I NEED to read. This sentence is it this time. It feels so freeing to read that!

    In the moment, I usually feel good about Mover Man, but more as a CD, and less as an everafter man. He keeps coming on strong, and I feel scared about that. I don’t want to lead him on. And Daria’s voice is in the back of my mind, telling me that the time I spend with him is a gift. Sigh, I wish I felt that in my body so I could REALLY believe it’s true!

    The day before last, I ran into #1CD in the street. First time I’ve seen him in 3 months. My feet and legs went numb, my heart started pounding, and I realized then that I really do love him still! We chatted for only a couple minutes, and were both shocked to see eachother (it was in a totally random place), and then we parted.

    I went to my car and collapsed, cried a little, and felt excited that I FEEL this way about him!

    It feels weird to be in this place. I’ve felt so confused about MM, almost “willing” myself to feel more than I do for him, and starting to believe that what I feel is enough.

    THEN I witnessed how my body reacted when I saw #1CD, and I feel great knowing that I feel love – without even having to pin it on him as the object of my affection (if that makes sense.)

    Now I’m wondering if he’s gonna reach out. I dunno!

    BTW, I literally praised God in the car after seeing him, because I looked gooooooood! I had totally dolled myself up and put on an amazing outfit with some killer heels because I had an appt to get my photo taken. THANK GOD he saw me that day!!!!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:44pm

  51. 51: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “it’s the emotional connection that matters”

    Yay Daria x100!!! Another thing I needed to hear! Thank you!

    I know it’s us who create that emotional connection, and I’m not doing it (on purpose, methinks) with MM. I don’t feel safe.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:53pm

  52. 52: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    So glad you looked like the goddess you are. I love it!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:56pm

  53. 53: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    So glad you are going to wait until tomorrow to reply. Men are going to come in and go out. One will stick. This is what I learned from Daria yesterday and I believe it. Don’t count on any one man, just notice what happens and what your patterns are. Not his but yours.

    I am saying the above as much for me as for you. I am connecting to my own feelings about all of this. By talking to you, I am helping myself as well…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:58pm

  54. 54: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol thanks Amy! I truly felt providentially taken care of, because most days I’m – shall we say -“casually” dressed. Hmmm, maybe that’s a message to take better care of how I dress!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:59pm

  55. 55: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I haven’t read the post yet; but- well, I live with a man and he calls me his gf- (no sense in fighting about semantics lol) and yet I believe I am going to agree with it. I am honest with myself, I am not married and I love living together but I am not married so who knows what the future holds-(at the risk of not being a coward here :) my li had a gf twice before and he and I couldn’t stay away from one another, sometimes it felt good and sometimes it didn’t -when it didn’t feel good I told him and he ended up single…..
    Why did I feel ok? Because he and I have a lot of history and these girls would “give it” to him soon (weeks) and they became “instant gf’s”- I know my guy and he knows these girls are “fill ins” and will run their course. It is what it is and it’s the type of girl that would drive to his house late at night – throw her yoni at him and he sees this for what it is! A woman being the aggressor and instead of rejecting her advances maybe he decides to just not call and let her lead- it absolves him of responsibility. He does judge women. And “cowboys” get bucked :) lol!!!
    Whatever……point is, I am honest and accept I am NOT the wife but thus serves me for right now. I love him. I feel loved. And I trust myself. He is a caveman but I am purifying (a la Abraham -hicks ) my relating with him, he’s handsome and I trust him with ME. I wouldn’t reccomend him lol!!! But am very pleased and reccomend him for myself.

    Ok, and now I am going to read the post and see if I get triggered-

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 8:59pm

  56. 56: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – here’s what helps me FEEL I’m a gift in my Body

    I call it “Worshipping The Goddess” tool

    It works like this:

    I am a Goddess. I imagine I live somewhere in nature, say at a sacred rock, by beautiful trees

    people love me! I am their Goddess… they sing songs, do festivals for me, and come to my rock …

    they offer me flowers, and food, and adoration

    why? because I’m their Goddess

    my presence blesses their lives.


    When I’m on the phone wiht a man, I practice this tool

    I imagine I’m the Goddess, in the forest, say of a lake. and I am worshipped by men. This man has come to my sacred place to worship me. His words are his offering.

    When he says something that makes me feel good, he is worshipping me… and That is waht he is attempting to do

    If he says something that doesn’t feel good… then he is not pleasing the Goddess… he is less likely to be blessed by her good favor and happiness… so i gently let him know this is not pleasing to me…

    he will either of course change what he offers me in worship, so that I may be pleased

    or he will leave… perhaps he doesn’t quite understand what his purpose was in coming here, he is confused in his own mind… but he knows he has seen something.. and a part of him will know it’s a Goddess

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:00pm

  57. 57: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    meanwhile I, live at my sacred spot… I don’t go after a man.. it’s not in my nature… my nature is to live at my sacred spot and receive worship, that is what blesses the land

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:01pm

  58. 58: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, you’re so poetic, I love it! Thank you!

    The business woman in me thought -while I read your post- “wow, she could make a KILLING if she wrote a book of poetry or short stories or something!” women -and men! – would love it!!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:05pm

  59. 59: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – to clarify – it’s the emotional connection that matters FOR THE MAN!

    we as women are able to create emotional connection with anyone… and it means NOTHING … a la Rori’s other post

    what means something to us is a MAN stepping up with creating a future together and claiming us

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:05pm

  60. 60: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I want to do that… maybe you could help me!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:06pm

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really blessed to hear you say that.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:06pm

  62. 62: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Daria, you’re so resonating with me tonight!! Re #58, I’ve never considered it that way, but it’s so true! It’s the reason why I can fall in love with a tree, or a sunset – or a guy who’s no good for me! Because I am love! Duh! (just got that, literally just now)
    Hmmm, makes my encounter with #1CD feel less special, but I still look at the timing as serendipitous (for a number of reasons I’m not sharing here.)

    Of course I will help you if that’s something you desire! Email me! Step 1 is to connect to the desire of your heart, and keep it very close while you go about your days. That is how miracles manifest. xoxo

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:12pm

  63. 63: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – throughotu my life I’ve gone through phases of dressing EXTREMELY casually, to Very dressed up…

    it usually has to do with a habit, and sometimes with man attention I’m receiving

    Recently, though, I’ve been very conscious of Goddess energies… I call in Goddesses into myself and embody them throughout the day

    well… along with this… rather Easily, as in no effort or push from me

    I have started dressing as the Goddess I want to embody that day

    this means…

    I pick my clothes to look like said Goddess.

    This has resulted in me looking AMAZING and VERY UNIQUE – ALL THE TIME — when I go out

    even some things that I normally wouldn’t have worn when “trying” to look sexy

    im not trying to look sexy

    I’m dressing up as a Goddess

    amazing colors, bracelets, everything has a meaning

    and I feel SO… sacred and amazing

    it might not even be a revealing outfit (or it might) – but I feel really comfortable with everything I’m wearing – because it’s blessed!

    If it doesn’t feel good energetically, it’s not going on me

    and my parents, who sometimes criticize, have some times looked stunned… but the criticizims have hushed… because I look like I OWN my presence

    I HIGHLY recommend this

    in fact… it would feel super fun to write a book on dressing like Goddesses!! with different Goddesses and what colors and styles they like, etc to start it off

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:12pm

  64. 64: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Siena. Keep desire close to my heart…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:15pm

  65. 65: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am realizing I want to pick out Goddess attire for inside the house and pijamas too, not just outside

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:16pm

  66. 66: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “in fact… it would feel super fun to write a book on dressing like Goddesses!! with different Goddesses and what colors and styles they like, etc to start it off”

    Great idea! Stay with that for a few days, keep it close to your heart and let your heart inform you whether or not to move forward with it… Or maybe alter it a little, etc.

    You might start by making a firm intention -no matter what – to create a business that uses your gifts and brings you (happiness, joy, abundance, laughter, wealth, health… There are tons to choose from!)

    I’m starting to dress “exquisitely” and in royal colors (purples and royal reds.) I’m in a period of tranformation from hippy casual. I like the attention I receive in this new dress! But like you said, it’s a habit to dress comfortably.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:19pm

  67. 67: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #49 – I’m so happy for you that you saw CD#1! Sounds like a holy hook-up to me, the way you were all dolled up! I hope there is another chapter to that story!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:21pm

  68. 68: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Bren!

    “holy hookup”!! That’s it! I was trying to remember what you called those! I’ve been going around trying to remember that term! Haha

    I feel strongly that it’s not the last I’ve heard from him. (in fact, I know it.) But, since I can’t do anything about the timing, I’m totally releasing it and detaching. Otherwise, I’d go crazy!!! xoxo

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:25pm

  69. 69: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “holy hookup Batman!”

    Hehe, still laughing 😀

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:29pm

  70. 70: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    LOL! Makes me happy you were trying to think of that term! I learned it from Stan Cotrell, a long distance runner. He is the TRUE originator of the motto, “Just Do It!” I had the privelege of meeting him 7-8 yrs ago. He said when he was taping an ad for Nike, they were going back and forth, etc. Finally in exasperation he said, “People, just do it!”

    They decided to make that their motto, and they never paid him a dime for royalties, etc.

    Anyway, he made a major impact on me! He is more inspirational than Zig Ziglar! He ran across the US twice, and he does international friendship runs to build international peace. He ran across Cuba, the China wall, etc!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:30pm

  71. 71: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I’ve never heard of him, but I’ll look it up! I’m always down for an inspirational story! (some people make fun of me for that, but I embrace it)

    Thanks Bren!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:33pm

  72. 72: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Siena — I bet it felt wonderful to run into that guy looking ab/fab — good for you!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:43pm

  73. 73: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I spent several days with him, off and on, when he was the president of a medical device company and I was on a business trip. He signed a copy of his autobiography and gave it to me, and it meant so much to me! He called our meeting a holy hook-up!

    He came from a dirt-poor family in Tennessee and he was emotionally abused. His father told him he would never amount to anything. He ran the long way across TN to prove himself to his father. Then he ran the Boston Marathon WITH pneumonia IN the rain…and he went on from there. He is very successful in every way!

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:47pm

  74. 74: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay thanks Renee! It did feel wonderful!

    I thought about it afterwards too, because my old low self esteem came back (it always does) and I realized that if he’s gonna be attracted, he’ll be attracted to my spirit too, not just the clothes and makeup, but the vibe I give off when I feel I’m dressed well.

    I know that guys are totally visual, so I’m not trying to overspiritualuze attraction… But I think that’s what Tinque means when she says that a man will look at your wrinkles and think they’re adorable if he loves you.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:52pm

  75. 75: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — is a web site based in the UK that talks all about jerks (they call them “assclowns”:), emotionally unavailable men and their various tactics…I guess if you read too much of it, you may become a little unforgiving when men mess up, but I like the fact that they call a spade a spade and help me identify dysfunctional behavior because I can accept some really dum*a$$ excuses when I’m really interested/emotionally invested in a guy…

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:57pm

  76. 76: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    i like this post.

    if he’s in love with her then you won’t connect. if he’s in love he won’t pursue you. I trust Him to take care of His stuff.

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 9:57pm

  77. 77: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I just want to voice my confusion again and again and again…..why??? is it not the man’s fault for doing what he’s doing. Or not – if he’s stepping up, following his bliss chasing another woman – are we really all so scared of loosing a boyfriend?

    The most amazing thing to me when I bought and reviewed Trudy Styler’s exercise tapes on Amazon was that 28 YEARS ago she “stole” Sting from her best friend. And it’s still like all that you pull up when you google her. And if you watch the video, he looks at her like she is the breath he breathes, and the reason for it!

    So, who would want to stop him from having that? Not his ex btw. If he can’t be happy, cut him loose – if he’s not happy and he wants to be with you and cut her loose — good for her, time to go “Next!”

    Let’s all allow everyone to their bliss – and if we’re gonna blame, blame the man who’s got the girlfriend who is still asking other girls out hmmm?! Not the woman who considers the date.

    For everyone who was so narrow in their Rori interpretations with me and rigid in their assessment of my application of the tools….well, this is RORI – spelled out in black and white. And we still have to agree to disagree, because people have differences of opinion, experiences, beliefs, triggers, events, cultures, etc. etc. And this time, everyone’s not saying oh, it’s the valid way to do it.

    They’re questioning it. So, while we have the girlfriend trigger, I’d like to also have an openess to questioning. For us all!

    Hoping so….


    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 10:06pm

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    what does SMH stand for?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 10:28pm

  79. 79: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    chrissy- rori is not advocating women “going after” the guy or “moving in on him.” she is talking about the Guy going after a woman. his choice, his initiative. hopefully your guy wouldn’t do that, right?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 11:26pm

  80. 80: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    shannon, i feel curious. when gf-guy texts you, are you comfortable responding or not?

    Thursday, 28 October 2010 @ 11:28pm

  81. 81: maryNo Gravatar says:

    ooh DARIA,

    i LOVE that idea about dressing up and owning your presence and putting things on that have a meaning!


    thank you!

    and GUESS WHAT ! ??

    my man has this amazing ring that he wears that a friend of his made for him (the friend is a jeweler) and he commissioned his friend to make one for me – exactly like his.

    and… better yet…

    i love it!

    he wanted me to wear it on my wedding ring finger, and i raised my eyebrow, so he said, “just for now…”

    he said “this represents the commitment i want to make to you someday.”

    pretty cool.

    yes. i’m gonna go through my closet right now to look for goddessy clothes to wear with purpose.

    just for fun.

    i have some really pretty bracelets. why not wear them all together? with my charm bracelet?


    thanks for this inspiration!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:54am

  82. 82: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hey, Lucy…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:55am

  83. 83: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hey sirens,
    I have a dumb question- how do we make out if a man is interested in us or if he is being friendly?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 2:29am

  84. 84: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I met with the bankruptcy attorney yesterday. His fee is $3800, and he said it has to be paid in full before he completes the bankruptcy. He projected next spring.

    So I know this isn’t what I’m going to do, but it feels like I have a choice between being homeless for 20 years, to pay back the student loan, or for 6 months, to pay his fee. Inotherwords, it seems like the new bankruptcy laws have made it next to impossible to go bankrupt.

    I want to go far, far away.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:20am

  85. 85: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    There is this guy in my office who offers me chocolates every now and then, comes to my room 5 times a day and talks to me, waits for me to walk back home after office, asks me to join him for office lunch, pings me online every night to say good night and so on. I am not sure if these are gestures of friendliness or if he is interested. How do I know?!
    Or is there a need to know at all?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:24am

  86. 86: RTCathyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much SLV for your comments
    “Hmmm, then in that situation I wouldn’t be “going over” for about two months or until I felt entirely comfortable. I definately I think you are right, this is the first time i have gone to see him, as its a long way, he has been coming to me, time to set the balance back to his side.

    Honey – thank you so much for you comments

    “Ooooo…I feel triggered. Probably because it is easy for me to fall for a trap like the one he is setting. It is so much easier to talk boundaries when it is SOMEONE ELSES situation and not mine!
    Once I’m getting hooked on someone, please Sirens, talk me down!”

    Thank you for talking me down! I really needed that, he rang earlier and I was back to my normal sireny self and he says that he understands and that he is bessotted and that he will give me the time I need!

    I so value being able to vent here when I am in my crisis!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:56am

  87. 87: SusanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow..why r u all making this sooo hard.. relax. Mad because he didn’t call back in 30 mins. wow again. slow down. He has a life too. Have you never gotten caught up in something? Just be thankful he was considered enought to get in touch after all.
    If I connect with Rori like I think she wants us to .. She is saying, do what is best for you, not him. However, he is human too.. so be mindful of his feelings as well. Not fair that he has to, but you don’t. Life it way to short to stress over things you have not control. Control your thoughts and be happy with you first! remember no one can make you feel anyway.. only you can.. I learned this the hard way, Good luck to everyone.. sorry if I upset the apple cart, but it just feels like wineing sometimes. LOL

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:17am

  88. 88: RTCathyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – so good to hear you looked so fab when you met that guy.

    “But, since I can’t do anything about the timing, I’m totally releasing it and detaching. Otherwise, I’d go crazy!!!”
    your comment knocked my socks off – I so want to be strong enough to do that in certain situations, I admire you for taking what you did out of that situation and making the very best of it and for feeling the love and embracing it in the moment you saw him.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:21am

  89. 89: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    MeeMee — Sure sounds like this guy is interested to me…he may be a tad shy or feminine energy, though, if he’s not taking the initiative to ask you out, or perhaps he’s waiting for some encouragement from you…do you like him at all? It seems like you said previously that you didn’t really feel attracted to him. Of course, you may find that as you continue to heal from X and you spend more time with this guy, your attraction to him may grow.

    I’m a little wary of the “attraction growing” thing at this point, though, because one of the articles I read on BaggageReclaim indicated one of the hallmarks of a Mr. Unavailable is that he will continue to aggressively pursue someone who doesn’t appear to be that interested in him, whereas most “normal” guys will want to see some reciprocation or they won’t continue to pursue…that’s given me a lot to think about. Like the idea that my gut may have been telling me to stay away from Blondie in the first place, which may have been why my initial interest in him was so lukewarm. And it does make sense that a guy w/a “healthy” ego would only continue to pursue a woman if she indicated a similar level of interest in him. But who knows? Maybe one of the lessons I was supposed to learn is that attraction can grow…maybe not. Trying to keep my heart open to whatever happens and give up trying to control the outcome…not easy for me, but a worthwhile pursuit…

    Anyway — back to you. Is there something in particular you object to w/this guy or is it just his general energy you don’t care for?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:22am

  90. 90: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I’m sending you love! It can feel really scary to be in a place where there are lots of bills, and no income in sight to pay them, I know! I’ve been there too!

    The truth is that – as with all feminine things that we learn here – money is something that we can receive as feminine creatures simply by allowing it to come in. It’s an abundant, renewable resource.

    Put another way, God is in control of all money. What father would give his son (or daughter) a stone when he asks for a fish? Consider the lilies of the field…

    Have you had a convo with God and reverently “demanded” that He show you a way out of this financial mess? It might go something like, “Dear God, I am your faithful daughter, and I am unwilling to live in poverty. I feel scared and overwhelmed by the doom and gloom I see in my financial house. I’m turning to the God of abundance, and asking (and reverently demanding!) that you flow financial abundance into my life.”

    And then you have to allow it to come in, which can actually be very difficult. We all have preconceived notions about money and its lack, etc.

    I’m not trying to make light of your situation at all, and I’m not advocating that you sit back and do nothing. I AM advocating a mental shift while you hit the pavement, send out resumes, etc.

    Most of all, those two choices that you offer suck. I propose a third one which is something like, all of a sudden – seemingly out of nowhere – more money than you’ve ever seen begins to flow into your life. And after you pay your debt, you have plenty to live off and to give to others. You feel totally supported and comfortable in your finances, and you can serve others because you are filled to overflowing yourself. How does that sound? xoxo

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:23am

  91. 91: RTCathyNo Gravatar says:

    meemee – this is just my take on it but I feel a guy who invests his time in you in that way is very interested.

    How could he not be??

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:24am

  92. 92: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Re #86 RtCathy, thank you! I feel embarrassed by your compliment (if I’m honest) but I receive it gratefully anyway – thank you! I’m not all that strong in my femininity, but being here has made me much better than I used to be. xoxo

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:35am

  93. 93: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena and Daria –

    I’ve been thinking the same thing. Daria, I don’t know if when you write, you consider yourself to be writing poetry, but that’s how it comes across. When I first got on this site, I wondered if you were a poet, or if you wrote for a living. At first, I also wondered if you were pasting in a poem you read somewhere. But soon saw that you were talking about your own situation and just figured you were a poet or writer.

    I’m not in that field, so I don’t know anything about publishing or if there is a market for this type of thing, but I do love reading what you write and how it is written. So many on this site have been blessed by what you have written. It touches us inside…when the personal expression touches the universal, that’s art!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:51am

  94. 94: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    OMG! I have a lunch date with Mr. Richie and my face broke out from sneaking too much Halloween candy! Have a big zit in the middle of my cheek. Crap. Goddesses should get zits…but then they shouldn’t eat candy either. lol

    Hopefully he’ll be too distracted by my large breasts to notice my large zit. Oooops, I mean, hopefully he’ll be too distracted by my goddess energy to notice the zit.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:15am

  95. 95: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I am on this blog too much if I’ve sunk to the point of writing about my zits…lol

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:15am

  96. 96: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Renee and RTcathy
    I am not really attracted to this guy,but he perplexes me a lot with this bahviour. At times I feel he is making excuses to talk to me. Yesterday he spent almost 3 hours talking to me and just being around. There are a few thingss I noticed

    1. He does not ask me much about myself. when he is away he sends texts asking how did the sppointment with my doctor go and how I am feeling etc. But when he is physically around he just talks about many random things- mostly about him and his interests.

    2. I feel he is taking me for granted. I am not sure if I am being obsessive about my boundaries. For exapmle he is moving to his new house this weekend. He invited me home sometime next week. He was talking about buying things for his new house. When I mentioned moving to a new house and setting it can be a real pain he asked “Why don’t you go and buy the things for me?”
    I clearly did not like it.

    3. This morning he was talking to me about how his bosses keep yelling at him. And I referred to a corporate joke and said that is what happens when you are the lower end of the power hierarchy and the only way to get over it is to find someone to yell at. He looked at me with a broad smile and said “Then I will yell at you”. WTF. I felt angry and I dismissed his comment saying “I think you are getting the dynamics of co-working wrong”.

    4. He is slightly pompous and shows off his knowledge every now and then.

    5. At time I feel he is expecting a little too much from me. When I told him I do elaborate cooking only on weekends he asked “Why don’t you bring some food for me?”. Really? I mean I know him only a month!!!!

    6. Most of all, his facebook profile says he has a girlfriend of whom he never talked to me about.

    I am growing skeptical and I feel uneasy about his constant coming to my room. But I do not want to offend a colleague if he is merely trying to be friends with me.

    Show me some light please.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:26am

  97. 97: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary. Thanks for the shout-out… I feel seen. :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:31am

  98. 98: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @74: Renee says:

    “SLV — is a web site based in the UK that talks all about jerks (they call them “assclowns”:), emotionally unavailable men and their various tactics…”

    Thanks, Renee. I’ll check it out. It’s helpful to learn signals and red flags I don’t know.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:33am

  99. 99: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I realized this morning that I would not want a man to come to my house because it is too messy.

    I keep trying to get all of my house not messy at the same time, but as soon as I finish one room, another room has gotten messy again.

    I wonder if something deeper is going on here.

    Does this mean that an unconscious part of me really doesn’t want a man?

    If I really wanted a man, wouldn’t I find a way to make sure my house is ready for his visit?

    When the house is ready, the man appears…. (?)

    Any thoughts, Sirens?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:40am

  100. 100: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee –

    This guy is even starting to bug ME.

    Have you tried using feeling statements for comments like, “Then I will yell at you.” Like, “Ouch, I feel really put down. That feels bad to me.”

    He sounds like one of Renee’s “assclowns”!

    “Why don’t you bring some food for me?”. Oh, puh-leeeeze. “Oh, I don’t know. Because your GIRLFRIEND wouldn’t like it and you are disrespecting both of us by suggesting that. Besides, why don’t YOU bring some food for ME?” OK, so I wouldn’t really say that, but this guy sooooo triggers me. He is not worthy to worship at the goddess temple.

    He totally sounds interested but I get a “player” vibe from him.

    That’s what it sounds like to me, but I wasn’t there. What do you think?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:48am

  101. 101: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #88 – Yes, I am totally with you, and as I am steadily reading “The Power”, I HAVE been praying like that.

    I feel honestly confused. I wonder if going on disability, just for a season, is God’s way of saying, “Daughter, I have heard you. I know you feel a need for rest, leaning back, and receiving. Here is the way….” I wonder if following the attorney’s advice and going on disability for a time would be a way I could get rid of this horrible debt that’s been plaguing me since 1994! It’s been a noose around my neck! I can’t get my college transcript or return to the same college as long as that student loan is outstanding.

    Instead of paying it off, over the years, I’ve gone deeper and deeper into debt with my excessive sleepiness issues, falling asleep anywhere with no control, and depression, when there are times I am unable to concentrate or track mentally.

    I am at a serious crossroads. You don’t know how badly I want to start my business! Yet when I can’t even find time to apply for small business loans and grants, because my every day life is so messed up, how can I possibly find time to sort my spider web of jumbled, unopened mail, which fill boxes and boxes, in order to apply for disability, bankruptcy, taxes for the last 6 years, and all the rest?

    My life is completely out of order. I am coming apart at the seams, and I feel often like I am coming unglued.

    That’s my story, and I haven’t fully come to terms yet about positive confessions. I do make them, but that is my present reality. I prayed your prayer, and I believe all you say. But that doesn’t change the fact that my papers, household, emotions, and debt are all haywire.

    Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:19am

  102. 102: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    My house is always a mess. I used to be obsessive about it when my kids were young, but now it is what it is. And yes, I would be embarrassed to have a guy see it this way. When men have come over, I clean it up the best I can but I can’t do everything. Between my part time job, raising special needs kids, and taking MORE post grad courses (I thought I was done after my Master’s,, but no), and CDing there’s just no time to keep it the way I want it. I don’t know if you are pressed for time. If you are not, it could be that you subconciously do not want a man over. But maybe it’s just a priority thing.

    I DO need to clean up my house some, though. It is stressing me out. This morning I said to my son, “It looks like someone threw the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch in here.” His response, “They did.” I want my Goddess Temple to feel peaceful. Just so hard to make time for everything. The common rooms get cleaned first and my room is always the last thing on my list…maybe I should make it first so I can start and end the day in peace. I think my priority order shows that I value others above myself. Yet, as a mother, this feels right to me. I wonder how other moms deal with this,,,

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:19am

  103. 103: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    More…My out-of-order life is a full time job, and I could spend a couple weeks, working 40 hours a week, and MAYBE have my life back in order. Working full time, I NEVER have that kind of time.

    Yesterday I took off without pay to both see my attorney and to work on my messy house with a social work intern from my counseling center. We worked for 4 hours and got a lot done, yet even still, the sofa is piled high with boxes and clutter to be sorted and put away. Outside my door is piled high with laundry, trash, and donation items. I haven’t touched the cleaning and organizing of my office, clothing, or kitchen. It looks a lot better, but it just scratched the surface. I feel overwhelmed. I feel incapable of managing an adult life. My world is internal: emotions, spirit, relationships, God…I don’t enjoy being a part of the physical realm. Yet I have to in order to survive. I feel embarrassed with all this. Please excuse me if any of it is repeat.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:24am

  104. 104: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @94: Meemee says:

    “…Yesterday he spent almost 3 hours talking to me and just being around…”

    This means that you spent almost 3 hours listening to and spending time with this guy. Why? You get to decide how you spend your time…!

    Don’t wait on him to end the visit. When you’ve had enough of him, you end the visit! — After 3 minutes, 5 minutes, whatever “I’ve enjoyed the chat; now I have to get back to work…I have to go…” etc

    You might get some other siren kind of answers from the women who are in romantic relationships and CD. I only have some guy pals who joke with me sometimes and I give it right back to them!!! tee hee 😆 So much has to do with your attitude and they way you respond. As in “I’m the confident goddess…and I knowwwww you must be joking. ” 😆

    “…He looked at me with a broad smile and said “Then I will yell at you”. WTF. I felt angry and I dismissed his comment saying “I think you are getting the dynamics of co-working wrong”….”

    — That wouldn’t help you, I’d yell back.

    …“Why don’t you bring some food for me?”. Really? I mean I know him only a month!!!!…

    — I don’t “bring food.” Men take me to dinner.
    — I only bring food on first day home from hospital, are you planning to get hit by a car anytime soon?

    Meemee, is the boy joking or clueless??? — I don’t know, I’m not there. I’d take it as silly jokes but if you decide they are not, or you simply are bored or annoyed…

    –I don’t like the jokes.

    or you can do a “dump his ass” by vigorously avoiding him and you know how to do that now!

    I am growing skeptical and I feel uneasy about his constant coming to my room.

    It’s your room you don’t have to put up with a bore or a boor.

    But I do not want to offend a colleague if he is merely trying to be friends with me.

    It’s not any better that you be offended or bored, is it? Don’t encourage him if that’s the case.

    I think Rori says date until uncomfortable, correct me if I am wrong, but this guy isn’t asking you out…or is he?


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:27am

  105. 105: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I can only speak for myself. I think my messiness has NOTHING to do with not wanting a man. It has to do with “inspiration without expression equals depression”. It has to do with working full time. It has to do with emotional issues that often take me hours a day to feel “normal”. I go out, I write here on the blog, I talk and text to friends. Those things tend to take priority over housework, because I am not coping well these days.

    I don’t like to be negative. I like to come on here and be encouraging. But I am getting slapped in the face by reality. Here I am! Ya caught me with my pants down! Ugh!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:27am

  106. 106: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning Sirens!

    Something interesting happened to me yesterday and I’m wondering if or how I can use it to draw the man I’m seeing (the Pilot)most regularly closer to me.

    Yesterday I got a call out of the blue from a guy I went out with twice back in the summer. It was only twice, but both times were long weekends together and we had spent hours & hours on the phone. Anyway, things didn’t end on a good note so I just let it go. So, he called me and apologized for being a jackass to me, said I didn’t deserve it, and he was “in a really bad place” at the time, etc. Then he asked if I wanted to go with him for a 5 night stay at a 5 star resort in Punta Canna, Mexico in a couple of weeks! I can’t go for a variety of reasons (work, my kids, etc.), plus I’m seeing the Pilot pretty regularly now. I’m wondering if I should bring this up with the Pilot, or not mention it? In a way I want to tell him because I think it might boost my “degree of difficulty”….because if I get offers from men for an all-expenses paid week in Mexico, I must be pretty darn special! But I don’t want to do it just to make him jealous or play games. If I told him, I would say something like “the most interesting thing happened….I got a call from a guy who I haven’t seen since this summer asking me to go to Mexico with him”. If I was able to go on the trip, I would seriously consider it. But I’m not, so it’s sort of a mute point. It still made me feel good, though! What do you think? Tell Pilot or not?


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:32am

  107. 107: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    I feel for you. If you can get out from under your burden by declaring bankruptcy and going on disability, DO IT! I know this is hard and very humbling. I’d like to share a story with you…

    There was a lady at my church. She was very mildly on the autistic spectrum, so mild that no one would ever know. But SHE knew and had to deal with it. Two of her kids were on the spectrum as well, but very high functioning, and the third had ADD. Her ex-husband was bipolar and on drugs. She was living with her parents and trying to go to nursing school, but they were struggling horribly financially because her parents’ business was doing poorly. She was depressed and constantly had that deer in the headlights look. Finally, a girlfriend and I sat her down and encouraged her to apply for welfare. This is very difficult to do, because, like applying for disability, they treat you like a low life. Also, she said she didn’t qualify cuz her parents were helping her. We told her to put down that she was paying rent so that she would qualify. We told her that she needed to do this to get through nursing school, because she was barely making it and studying her butt off. We told her that this is what these programs are there for, and that she didn’t need to feel guilty because, once she finished nursing school, she’d be making good money and would be paying INTO the system for the rest of her working life.

    So…she did it. It was hard, and she did feel embarrassed, but she did it. She got on welfare, finished school, got a great job, and was able to support her 3 kids on her own. Her parents business, however, did more poorly, and she is now in a position to help them financially as well as paying into the system.

    Brenda, if disability will help you..,.DO IT! It is not easy to get. They will most likely deny you the first time unless you have a really strong letter from your doctor (like I got for my ex-H). You need this to get on your feet…then you will be in the position to pay into the system and help someone else.

    If the opportunity is there, please take it. We all need help sometimes, and this is God’s provision for you. You can do this!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:34am

  108. 108: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    Sorry if I came on too strong like I was telling you what to do. I just hear those negative voices in your head telling you that you don’t deserve this help, and you do. I’m too bossy sometimes…I need to remember that only you know what’s right for you.

    I still like my story though. I was proud of that lady…she worked hard to get on her feet. She barely made it through nursing school. The first classes are so hard and weed people out. Once of her professors at the beginning told her, “You are barely making it, and normally I would tell you to drop out of the program. But I know you want this bad so I’m going to help you.” And she made it!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:40am

  109. 109: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    OK Sirens –

    Have to start my day. Lot’s to do and I have that date with Mr. Richie…have to get my goddess on!


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:41am

  110. 110: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Hey, that’s wonderful! He’s the same man you originally wrote about that’s long distance, who lost his phone in the water, right? Wow! I wish you could go!

    I don’t know about telling pilot…not qualified to answer that.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:41am

  111. 111: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Honey – I have struggled with things getting a bit out of control on the home front. And it stresses me, and I waste time trying to find things etc.

    I have found Flylady really helpful on this one. I don’t go along with everything, but the basic principles of starting with babysteps, agetting some little routines established that prevent feeling stressed rather than cause stress feelings works for me!

    It’s feels Siren-y too, to be more of a lean, mean connection machine (Rori quote), than someone who can’t find the thing she wants to wear on a date! Don’t get me wrong, I still have LOTS of progress to make on this as well. But I just feel better, clearer, more focussed etc, when home is fairly clean and tidy.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:42am

  112. 112: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    @#83 Brenda-
    It sure sounds like he wants to do a chapter 7… I know for my chapter 13, it was $500 and then you make payments for the next 3-5 years to the trustee in the amount of “no less than $100 per month”. The other sucky thing is you have to turn over any income tax refund over $2,000.

    After giving them my $500 last year, paying the $100 per month for the year, etc. it got to a point where my mom charged the rest of the fee so I could get it converted to a chapter 7. There was an additional fee to convert it, but either way it ended up costing me around $3800 INCLUDING the $750 conversion fee.

    I would suggest shopping around for attorneys and seeing how much they charge to get you started on a chapter 13; as soon as they have their initial fee, your wages can not be garnished, home can not be foreclosed on, etc.

    And you are right – you have to have money to file for bankruptcy. It’s ridiculous. If you were a cash rich person or some business, you could file for bankruptcy like that, no problems. But because you really NEED the help, it’s a pain.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:42am

  113. 113: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you!! That is a beautiful story! Wow! It’s not that I feel undeserving. It’s that I’ve been wanting to move ahead with my P.O.P. for so many years. I feel like I am on the edge of being able to.

    Yet, like the attorney said, I will be in a better position to be a contributing citizen, as I worded it to him, after I move this roadblock out of my way.

    I was about to try for a small business loan and/or grants, and get another job to keep me going until I got my business up and running. I could still try for that. But adding $400 to my already-too-far-stretched budget? I don’t see how, at present.

    An idea my friend, Chris, had, is to talk directly to the student loan people, explaing the excessive sleepiness and depression, asking them if they would work with me and give me a smaller payment. I want to have all my ducks in a row before I make a call like that. I need to explore more ins and outs. Right now, the attorney is buying me time. They are legally not allowed to garnish when I am in process of bankruptcy.

    I have neglected this part of my life way too long, out of emotional pain and feeling incapable of coping with this tuff stuff.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:48am

  114. 114: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @101: Brenda says:

    “…We worked for 4 hours and got a lot done…”

    Hi Brenda, I hope you are giving yourself high credit. This is a big achievement, especially when you are getting started. I think big household jobs of moving, redecorating and/or organizing often look worse when you first start.

    Keep at it, you’ll get there.

    See if you can get a girlfriend to come over for a few hours and help you out. My DDIL and her girlfriends all do this for each other. All the time!

    I like to see them do it. I help out sometimes. It’s amazing how fast the closet or refrigerator/cupboards, kid’s rooms get sorted out. The girlfriend mostly says stuff like: “Girl, you don’t need that. Toss that. Oh, that’s cute, keep it. Don’t want it? I’ll take it.” The girlfriends also help each other clean.

    If things have gotten a little dirtier, when you know someone’s coming to help you organize, you will suddenly get the energy and motivation to spend an hour or so doing the “cleaning part.” 😆 That’s usually when I help out.

    It’s sort of like what happens before the cleaning lady comes and you don’t want house to be “that dirty.”

    Ah, the sisterhood…


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:53am

  115. 115: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    I’m thinking that, if you go on disability, the student loan people with HAVE to work with you. A suggestion: You can call them and just tell them that you are disabled and applying for disability. You can ask them what the protocol is for paying back your loan under those circumstances. I’m sure you are not the first person to go through a situation like this.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:55am

  116. 116: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    What is your P.O.P.?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:58am

  117. 117: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Sisterhood ROCKS!!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:01am

  118. 118: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I agree with Honey. If you apply for SSI in person, a caseworker will help you with the application and help you get all the info you need for it. It’s worth a try.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:02am

  119. 119: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #94 – We are tracking a lot of men for a lot of women here. Are you talking about X or chocolate man? I assume chocolate man.

    His behavior sounds yucky to me. If I were you, I’d definitely give some heavy duty feeling messages. For example, if he made that comment to me about bringing in food for him, I’d say something like:

    “Ooh, that feels bad. I don’t want to be a servant to a man. It would feel good to be wined and dined. What do you think?”

    Or, if you don’t want to go out with him, which I wouldn’t, I’d just leave out that sentence about being wined and dined. Just tell him how you honestly feel at every juncture. He will begin to see you are not about being his personal slave or push-over.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:02am

  120. 120: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renie, that’s really cool that summer guy invited you on an amazing trip! However, it sounds like your reasons for wanting to tell Pilot basically fit into the manipulation/agenda/games/over-functioning/chasing/needy category. What do you think?


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:06am

  121. 121: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    There should be some advocacy websites to help you know what to do.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:06am

  122. 122: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #114 – Not sure if you are asking what it means or what mine is. Guess I’ll answer both…

    My Purpose On the Planet is to serve God and people and help people find inner healing: spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:08am

  123. 123: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renie – How about instead of telling Pilot, you allow the trip invitation to be a wonderful reminder to yourself about how desirable and worthy you are, and allow yourself to feel really good about that — and THAT will enhance your magnetism with Pilot.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:11am

  124. 124: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I feel for you. I am not in any position to give you any suggestion but I truly truly admire the way you are holding youself in the middle of all this. All I can do is t pray for you and you will be in my prayers. A big warm hug for you, strong lady.
    Yes, I am talking about the chocolate man. LOL. Heavy duty feeling message- Iiked it. Yes I agree. I am used to being disgustingly nice and nice. But I am improving on the bitchy bit.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:12am

  125. 125: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @104: Renie says:

    I’m not qualified either to tell you what to do. What I’d do is surely not tell another guy about the invitation. It seems teasing and if described as it was here, the offer doesn’t seem very attractive either. But I also wouldn’t go on such a trip. No thank you.

    This is just the way I’d do it for myself your mileage may vary…

    I believe if a former lover wanted to see me, make amends, whatever, I would not want to do it under the stress of 5 days in each other’s presence.

    I’d also be wondering who turned down the vacation plans in the first place. And on such a vacation there is a good chance I’d find out in not such a nice way.

    This is probably not like a siren would do… But, under the circumstances you described, I would believe the trip was originally planned for someone else and I would prefer to pass on it believing if guy truly wants to resume being with me it can go at a slower pace. I wouldn’t need a vacation trip that badly…


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:19am

  126. 126: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You said, “I am used to being disgustingly nice and nice. But I am improving on the bitchy bit.”

    LOLOLOL! Me too! Daria can attest to that! (I love you, Daria!)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:22am

  127. 127: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — this really stood out to me:

    “I don’t enjoy being a part of the physical realm. Yet I have to in order to survive.”

    I actually feel a lil excited about this because it feels like it could be a breakthrough point for you — God created us with physical bodies in a physical world –our spiritual selves are connected with our physical selves — resisting the physical will block the spiritual … I don’t know quite how to express what I’m sensing here, Brenda, but it seems like an invitation for you to embrace and love the physical realm, as part of yourself.

    Ack. I don’t want to sound preachy or anything. I don’t know. I just think there’s some treasure for you somewhere in there about embracing and loving the physical.

    Daria comes to mind — she seems to have a keen awareness of the physical-spiritual connection. Daria, what do you think?

    Love you, Brenda! <3

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:23am

  128. 128: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t tell you just how much I appreciate everyone’s support. Yes, this is feeling like a sisterhood! I wish I could meet you all!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:24am

  129. 129: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry Ladies,

    I have to agree with Rori on this one. I’ve not read through all the posts, but I think Daria makes a valid point. If I’m into my feelings and CDing a guy with a girlfriend, it’s going to start feeling bad to me long before there’s a physical connection. And a guy who is looking for something on the side, isn’t going to put in the time and effort to “claim me.”

    IMHO a guy who’s looking to cheat is looking for a quick, physical connection. He’s not going to be into me for long if that’s all he wants, and he’ll drift away.

    The funny thing is, I’ve had guys cheat on me in the past, but the more open & comfortable I get with this idea of it being ok to CD a guy with a girlfriend, the less anxious I feel that any man I’m involved with would ever DREAM of cheating on me. Weird. That feels really good to KNOW to the depths of my soul. Nope. If he’s smart enough (and lucky enough) to win me, he’s not gonna have eyes for anyone BUT me.

    Woohoo! I opened my mind and my heart and got peace and satisfaction out of it. Thanks Rori!!!!!

    Now…back to catch up on the rest of the posts.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:24am

  130. 130: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks. I am gonna take a print out of your reply and paste it on my wall.
    My time is my time- I get to decide how to use it. WOW…….
    I have no idea if he is joking or if he is clueless. But he is repeatedly making such comments. One thing that strikes me just now is that if he is making such comments at me, that means he thinks such comments can be made at me. That means I have to give him the signal that I can not be talked to like this. Oh yes, it is pretty much about what I let others do and talk to me. :)


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:25am

  131. 131: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    I love your posts and I loved your “milage may vary” lol

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:29am

  132. 132: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I totally agree. I have been aware of this for some time. I believe the physical realm is PART of the spiritual realm. Like if you drew a circle that symbolized the spiritual realm, the physical realm would be represented by a circle drawn inside the spiritual circle. Even tho I am aware of it and want to improve, I hide inside myself. I feel scared of the physical realm, in terms of harsh people, overweight, the discomfort of exercise at my size, eating properly to lose weight. I feel more comfortable in my internal world of spirit and heart and soul. I am working on it in baby steps. I am starting to get in shape, after having little muscle tone or stamina at the beginning of the summer from my injury. Baby steps.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:30am

  133. 133: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #127 – No apology necessary! You rockin, cupcake!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:32am

  134. 134: RTCathyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I can so relate to the messy house thing, I have a dilema cos if I dont want to go into BMW man’s lair again for a while then he has to come to my home to pick me up, and I am running around like a blue ar*sed fly at the moment trying to make it look ok.

    Thanks for the flylady link Lorelei, that looks a really good site.

    Brenda, I am sending hugs for all the things you are going through at the moment, I always love reading your posts and learn a lot from you, so from my point of view you are fulfilling your POP!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:33am

  135. 135: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @111 Brenda

    An idea my friend, Chris, had, is to talk directly to the student loan people, explaing the excessive sleepiness and depression, asking them if they would work with me and give me a smaller

    Do you know who your “student loan people” are? These loans are usually sold by the original lenders. If it is now owned by DOE, the regulations are that you are entitled to rehab your defaulted loan with payments based on your income. They do not care about physical condition unless it has already affected your income.

    Defaulted loans are usually handled by collection agencies and these people are often difficult to deal with…but you are entitled to “rehab” your loan and make an income contingent repayment plan. Of course it’s much easier for them to garnish your pay and they’d perhaps get a bigger fee that way. Did your lawyer discuss this at all with you? The bankruptcy is another issue.

    Your rights will be stated in the letter or packet you receive about the garnishment. I dont know your specific circumstances but there used to be an ombudsman’s office at DOE that you could contact. I don’t know how effective it might be, sometimes these things look good on paper but you know….it’s ‘the gubmint’ in action… sometimes it’s the luck of the draw and the kind of person you get to speak with.

    Keep working it, Brenda. I know it’s a drag and a big emotion and time suck. I have a similar situation. I had to put it over in another pocket of my mind. I’m over here…it’s over there. It sneaks out from time to time.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:43am

  136. 136: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea: #127! Yes! I feel the same way. I’ve been cheated on in the past and what you said is exactly how I feel. Thank you for voicing that!! I really don’t feel afraid of “cheating” anymore. That feels really odd to say but it’s not on my worry list anymore, and it used to be my #1.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:47am

  137. 137: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Another Holy Hookup –

    Mr. Richie texted and said he was so sorry…he totally forgot he had a dental appointment and can’t make lunch BUT wondered if I could do dinner, and he would happily come to MY AREA. Of course, I was very understanding and said dinner would be lovely.

    So, ladies, no meeting part way for me. In the end he comes to me. He did not even SUGGEST that we meet half way like I originally agreed to but later felt uncomfortable with. I feel like such a goddess! I have arrived. Feel free to worship, Mr. Richie…lol

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:57am

  138. 138: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I think you may have Renie and I confused — I was the one who was dating a guy back in the summer who dropped his phone in the lake. That was actually the mini-relationship that brought me to Rori and this site…

    In looking over the past 4 months, I wonder how much, if any, I’ve “sirenized” myself…I think I’m better about leaning back and not getting as worked up if a guy emails me a time or two and then flakes out. But based on my recent experience w/Blondie, I still have boundary issues, self-esteem issues and a major fear of abandonment.

    I’m definitely more aware of my feelings now than I was, but I only have brief moments here and there where I feel “sireny”, or like a B.I.T.C.H. (babe in total control of herself, lol). I struggle with some of the same issues MeeMee does, though she’s much younger. Sigh. Well, self-awareness is a great first step!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:03am

  139. 139: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    Congratulations :) !!!!!!!!! :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:11am

  140. 140: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Daria –

    Thank you for letting me cut and paste your feelings statements…they work great!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:14am

  141. 141: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena wrote:

    “The funny thing is, I’ve had guys cheat on me in the past, but the more open & comfortable I get with this idea of it being ok to CD a guy with a girlfriend, the less anxious I feel that any man I’m involved with would ever DREAM of cheating on me. Weird. That feels really good to KNOW to the depths of my soul. Nope. If he’s smart enough (and lucky enough) to win me, he’s not gonna have eyes for anyone BUT me.”

    I am in the back saying, yup yup yup…that’s how I feel….and IF that isn’t 100% proven….. I feel really secure anyway…because that is sooooo HIS STUFF – and I trust my feelings….. and I believe I would start to feel really bad and get out anyway.

    I feel as though I have been restored to the girl I was (almost) before I had that super weird toxic-feeling relationship….. and it feels so much more peaceful.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:17am

  142. 142: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    To All The Feelings-Statements Divas –

    I hope you know how helpful you sample statements are to those of us who are just learning. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s one thing to TALK ABOUT feelings statements, and it’s another to actually come up with them in regards to different situations. The examples help so much! Again, THANKS!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:19am

  143. 143: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @135 Honey

    Fab! Everybody happy, win-win. Genuflecting now… 😆


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:20am

  144. 144: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #9 RT Cathy

    3 weeks = 21 DAYS

    YOU are the prize, not him, its what feels good for YOU the Siren/Goddess/Diva………….

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:21am

  145. 145: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve only had one guy cheat, and that’s because I made a stupid choice and slept with him too soon. I dont’ think he actually cheated physically, but I did see him posted back on match and just had a “feeling” so I checked. Of course, I dumped his sorry ass. A month later, he wrote and said,”I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted.” I didn’t even honor him with a response. WTH! Ya think? What self-respecting woman would want a cheater. OMG! Sail on Sailor…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:23am

  146. 146: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    But I never even THINK about a guy cheating usually. Just not the jealous type. I am a prize…it’s his loss…oh I am so full of myself today!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:24am

  147. 147: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    All the guys who cheat can go F___ themselves, literally and figuratively.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:25am

  148. 148: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I used to be such a nice person. I’m channeling my inner B___ today!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:26am

  149. 149: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #132 – You said, “Brenda, I am sending hugs for all the things you are going through at the moment, I always love reading your posts and learn a lot from you, so from my point of view you are fulfilling your POP!”

    Thank you so much! That really means a lot!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:28am

  150. 150: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    i agree with shannon #35 about
    daria’s posts #24 and 25

    i felt the same way

    amazement happiness
    like wow daria!
    you are so steady and strong in the program that you don’t even get thrown by these excellent points other goddesses are making.

    excellent points that are rational and reasonable…. if we were dealing with one another, other women, male friends, family members, co-workers, almost anyone else…

    but we’re not
    we’re dealing with men who are looking for their one and only love
    the woman of their dreams that they know is out there, they just haven’t found her yet…
    but she is very real in their minds and hearts and they will, and *do*, keep looking
    forever, if that’s what it takes.
    whether they are married or single or divorced or living with someone, they are still on the look out for *her*.

    it may not be something they even want to *do*… meaning: they may have no conscious intention of looking for another woman, may not even want to still look,
    because maybe they’re relatively happy and comfortable with the woman they’re with, they may be leaning back, having their needs met by her, she may be *doing* all the relationship work, handling everything quite nicely… and *doing* a good job of “taking care” of everything for herself and for him…

    but you can bet,
    if they find that “stoked” feeling they know is possible with a woman…
    if they find a woman who straigthens out their spine and makes them stand up straight and feel their maleness coursing through their body heart mind and spirit in the presence of a woman who they feel they cannot live without one who allows him the space to experience himself in her presence … oh, you can bet he will be pursuing her and giving up what*ever* it takes to keep her.
    yes, i believe this…
    if they find *her*, regardless of committments, they are going to leave.
    they just *do*.

    so it does no good to hang on or capture or have them sign pieces of paper or make promises… if that feels like a guarantee.
    because it’s not to them
    because even if they *mean* to keep their promises to you, even if they have no intention of going anywhere, even if they would feel like a heel for breaking their promises, I believe they will go when the woman they *want* and desire to be with comes into their lives regardless of anything else.

    this i believe is what rori is telling us and i believe this with all my heart.

    rori says, they give up life liberty and the pursuit of happiness with other women for *her*. they will give up their families, their thrones (and have indeed done that) and their fortunes and lay eveyrthing they have at her feet because they want to be with HER.
    Just Her!
    They want her and only HER and no one else will do and no one else can fulfill them and they don’t care about anything else as much as being with her. they put her before everything else.

    thank you daria, for bringing the point back to this emotional connection THEY feel when we are the one

    nothing else, as you pointed out, is a guarantee that he will be sticking around …
    well, of course that’s a Rori concept, but you’re the one who stepped out there and brought it to the forefront.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:34am

  151. 151: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I feel truly inspired by all of the comments!

    Daria – yes! A book on dressing like a goddess! I want one, I want one!

    Siena – so much of what you say resonated with me today! I feel like a block totally lifted when I read what you said about receiving money & it being a renewable resource! Also, the comments on heart’s desire. Yes!!!! I’m open to both of those.

    Thank you all for inspiring me to be the best goddess I can be!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:34am

  152. 152: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    #148 – First of all, everyone’s feedback is wonderful, and I feel so supported. You are all so wise!

    It feels like the attorney just railroaded me down one track, the track to his $3800 fee, which is only possible if I get on disability and declare bankruptcy. It felt like he was totally controlling our conversation, keeping me off topics that might lead my thoughts to NOT declare bankruptcy through him. That is a big reason why I am airing this yucky stuff here…to get other views and opinions. My mind is feeling too scared and little to think clearly much for myself.

    The loan has been sold to the ERS, Educational Research Service. They are VERY nasty and forceful. It would take all the emotional energy I have and then some to call them again. By law, they can’t contact me while I’m in the process of bankruptcy. So if I were to call them, I would be going out of the attorney’s umbrella of protection. That feels scary.

    You said, “I have a similar situation. I had to put it over in another pocket of my mind. I’m over here…it’s over there. It sneaks out from time to time.”

    I’ve been doing that for 17 years…that’s how it got so neglected…and so big. Ugh!~

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:38am

  153. 153: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Siena had recommended to me “The Power”, which I am reading, and it’s excellent!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:39am

  154. 154: KarenNo Gravatar says:

    @151, The Power isn’t near as good as The Secret, in my opinion. I felt that the author (Rhonda Byrne) just keeps restating the same idea (the law of love) over and over. I have The Secret on audio so I can listen to it whenever, and it helps to pull me out of any depressive funk that I am in. I plan to put some of the sayings on my bathroom mirror too, my personal shrine, lol.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:41am

  155. 155: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Re: #134 – SS,

    Thanks. I feel acknowledged! It used to be my #1 too. Do you feel like the worry just melted away as you felt your heart and mind open to the idea? Because that’s exactly how it felt to me. Lol!

    Woowhee!! I feel juicy! What an exhilarating feeling!

    Brenda, Thanks for the cupcake acknowledgment.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:41am

  156. 156: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #136 – You said, “B.I.T.C.H. (babe in total control of herself, lol).”

    LOLOLOLOL! 😆 Love it! I never heard this before!

    Yes, I was confusing you with Renie. Thanks for the clarification.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:41am

  157. 157: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You’re welcome! That’s cuz you’re more than a BITCH! You’re a cupcake! 😆

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:42am

  158. 158: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    riffing clears my brain’s palate somehow!

    i feel another layer of understanding on why we just lean back…
    and let go of them if they leave
    and allow them to surprise us/allow ourselves to *be* surprised when they stay…

    …just when i think i’ve gotten ahold of the point of rori’s program, i find that im only experiencing the beginning and there is so much more good ahead… :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:47am

  159. 159: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @149: Sweetpea says:

    “Daria – yes! A book on dressing like a goddess! I want one, I want one!”

    Interesting idea. This is could be big…as much a “French Style” “Italian Style” “Steal This Style” etc

    There’s always a market for this kind of thing. Go to B&N or surf Amazon and see!!!

    This could be an amazing project!


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:48am

  160. 160: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #15 Renee

    I HEAR you loud and clear, this has been my experience thus far from dating sites………….these men must be either married or running scared…………

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:48am

  161. 161: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @155: Brenda says:

    “You’re welcome! That’s cuz you’re more than a BITCH! You’re a cupcake! ”

    I’ve heard the guys on Capitol Hill refer to it as

    B-I-T-C-H = “Boys, I’m taking charge here!” but I like Honey’s better:
    B-I-T-C-H = “Babe in total charge of herself” 😀


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:54am

  162. 162: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    oooh, my brain feels kind of swollen and tired.

    i’ve been up in my head alot reading all the dating advice, as much as i can, oh, it is so helpful.

    i feel like i need a break.

    i feel happy with the men who are contacting me and the ones who have dropped off.

    feels like very good practice session.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:57am

  163. 163: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Humph! I am in a conflict with one of my best friends, who I’ve known since 1985. And, it is over Ryan. I hesitate to write this, since I have been filling the blog with my issues so much already, but it is heavy on my heart, even in the midst of all this financial turmoil.

    I love Franny very much, and she is like a spiritual sister to me. She has spent a lot of time talking to me about my relationship with Ryan.

    Last Wed on my way home from work, I called her saying, “You told me to call you when I’m tempted to contact Ryan.” She had company and could only talk 3 minutes, which was fine.

    Later she called me to follow up. I told her I called him twice and he texted me back, as I already shared with you all last Wed and Thu. Franny got a really harsh tone and said, “When are you going to learn?? Why do you keep contacting him? You knew better!”

    I forget what else she said, but I responded, “Oooh, this feels bad. I’m sorry, but I am really fragile tonight, and I just can’t handle this level of harshness. I love you, Franny, but I need to hang up. Bye!” I left her voicemails twice over the weekend. When I got no response, I emailed her this morning, “I feel very sad that I haven’t heard back from you.”

    She emailed me, “Hi Brenda,

    I did not call you back because I cannot stand to hear you say you think I am harsh. “As iron sharpens iron, so man sharpens his fellow man” and “faithful are the wound of a friend” That is where I am coming from. If you want to insist that I am harsh for speaking a hard truth to you, I will understand, but I need time away from you. When I ask you why you call Ryan even though he has made it clear that he does not want you to do so, you are hurting him. I ask you why you call him even though you know you shouldn’t and you say you are so lonely.

    Imagine Ryan lying on the ground with bleeding wounds all over his body. The police find you with the a knife in your hand which matches the wounds and you are arrested. When the judge asks why you did such a thing, you reply, “I was so lonely….”

    You comments about how much you need to hear from him and have your Ryan points and your Ryan fix or whatever…each time you put that on him it is like a cut, for he is unable to return your affection at this point in time…yes, he has told you that he loves you, but right now he cannot act on it. If you really LOVED him and not just yearned for his attention, you would give him the space he has asked you for time and again. You say you love him but your actions do not match the true meaning of the Bible’s definition of love. You are putting your needs above his. This is not love.

    So if you think I am harsh then you are free to have your thoughts, but I am praying that you will understand what I keep trying to say. Please do not respond if you think I am harsh. I am praying for you and I will always be a friend to you, but my honesty is part of the Franny package and I can’t watch you do this and be silent about it.

    Brenda: Hello Franny, It’s not so much what you said but how you said it. I felt condemned and judged. I was at an extremely fragile part of my heart that night. I simply couldn’t handle the tone I felt. It feels so good when you point things out to me gently, as you did here. We all have blind spots. Maybe I am lovingly helping you be aware of a place where you could work on, too.

    What do you think or feel? I love you! Brenda

    PS.. I feel scared to talk with you about Ryan. When I share stuff related to him, I am sharing out of my heart of hearts.

    Franny: I don’t feel loved by you at all. I feel judged and condemned just like you do. Perhaps you are scared because in your heart of hearts you know you are wrong. If I scare you then you are free to not have any contact with me any longer. But your “tender “ feelings are actually quite harsh, because you hang up on one friend who is lovingly being honest with you about a hard truth and you are ignoring the need of another friend who has asked you for space that you are refusing to give him? Ask God who is really the “harsh” one.

    Brenda: I felt emotionally unsafe. I felt I was choosing to not be emotionally abused. That is what I meant by stating I felt scared.

    Both of us come from severe emotional abuse. Is it possible some of that rubbed off on us? I am not willing to be emotionally abused ever again, even by one of my best friends.

    I never said I don’t want to be around you. I do know tho that I don’t want to discuss my precious friendship with Ryan with you any further. What do you think or feel? I love you, Franny! Brenda

    Franny: Do not say you love me in the same paragraph that says you suspect that I will emotionally abuse you. I have spent countless hours listening to you talk about your relationship with Ryan. I have prayed and I have given you objective advice over and over and over and you are still hurting him. You have taken my time an energy (which I have never once regretted, please do not misinterpret me here) and you have thrown it away.

    Every time you call Ryan it is as if you are slapping me in the face too.

    If you are not going to talk about your relationship with Ryan, then I don’t want to talk to you about anything else. I don’t want to spend time with someone who is afraid to be real with me. Someone who will accuse me of being harsh when all I am trying to do is help her to maintain a relationship with a man she loves by making her accountable for giving him space that he has requested.

    If my standing strong and fighting your inclinations to blame your loneliness for what is actually unkind, then I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of friend you want. I feel your accusations of abuse to be more harsh than my frustration with you for your refusal to hear me. This is what I think and feel.

    I just wonder if anyone has any feedback, or suggestions on how to handle it. I am not responding yet. I might even give it a day or so to cool off. Help, please! :-)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:59am

  164. 164: RenieNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy & SLV, thank you for the comments!

    Lucy, you are right. It would be manipulative, in a way and could totally backfire so I will just keep it my little ‘secret’ and feel good about it :)

    SLV, I also wondered who was “supposed” to go on this trip other than me…LOL. It may be no one. Who knows. It doesn’t matter because I can’t go regardless. This is a guy who I met before I discovered Rori & I was doing everything wrong!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:08am

  165. 165: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    RE: #139- I misquoted —— sweetpea wrote that,

    Hi Sweetpea,
    I agree with you :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:15am

  166. 166: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I have been secretly willing you to “go home”.

    ………I feel super touched that an exPat is giving you that option…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:18am

  167. 167: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I need a help with a minor issue compared to the messy fussy things I discussed earlier.
    I was supposed to meet a male friend of mine tomorrow. I think I have talked about him earlier. I had given him a book from the library which is past due date and the librarian is sitting on my head to return it. This guy had been very friendly with me but lately withdrawn for reasons I do not know. I called him at the beginning of the week and he said he will meet me tomorrow over a coffee and return the book. He promised he will call me today and fix the place. He has not called me yet. I have a seminar to attend tomorrow till late afternoon and for the latter half of the day I had set apart to meet him.

    I am slightly pissed with him that despite my repeated reminders he is still not making an effort to give me the book back. This is 11pm here now and I want to send him a text (I am not planning to call him) saying I need the book back and if he cant meet me, he can send it to me by courier.

    I can not think of a good way of putting it. Can anyone help?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:19am

  168. 168: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee 94

    You said
    “Or is there a need to know at all?”

    That’s it , that’s the Rori’s way :)

    all men are put at the same level. None is important.
    We do not worry about any of them, we do not suspect he wants to court us for a wife or make us a sex buddy or just be friends.

    What he hopes to do with us belongs to his own imaginary life. It does not belong to our reality.
    We keep the focus on us and we know one thing for sure: he is not committed to us.
    He does not belong to our reality.
    He is free to desire anything with us; it belongs to his imagination. It should not matter to us.

    It goes both ways.
    Each our own imaginary life and we can’t make the opposite gender responsible for our imaginary life.
    Men do not worry about the imaginary relationship we sometimes have with them
    Women should not worry about men’s imaginary plans that include us lol

    Let’s step in his mind, just for fun.
    Notice that commenting a man’s behavior has got to be a gossip because we talk on hearsay, and we give intentions to a person without knowing him.
    Gossips don’t help men/women communication.
    That’s why your question is gold “Or is there a need to know at all?”
    That’s why Rori keeps telling to the woman what she should do for her own good, independently from what her man might think or feel. Nobody can say what her man feels or thinks.

    But let’s gossip lol

    1*He talks to you in your work.
    He is not changing his plans to be with you
    He spends hours with you? He is cheating on his boss looool he is speaking instead of working. Tut tut lol Would he be using you to get unbored at work?

    2*He asks you to sit a lunch hour. He is not paying your meal, he is not organizing the lunch. He is not taking on his time to take you to a restaurant. He is using YOUR own lunch time and place and money to lighten his own life..
    It sounds like kids at school who were emotional about sharing their lunch hour.

    3*He suggests you bring food for him.
    Huh? That’s begging. He is supposed to want to bring you things, not to take from you.
    Hmmm I don’t know, he does bring you chocolate. May be he was being innocently childish like in “hey you say you do a wonderful cooking, I would love to taste it”
    Still, he should think of inviting you to a restaurant, rather than asking you to bring him food loool

    4*He walks you back home, that is better. People see him with you, he owns his interaction with you.
    So far it sounds like a school thing. He shares his lunch hour and he walks you home.
    At least he is not consciously trying to abuse you.

    5*He suggested you go and buy his house items for him
    Not only has he not worked for you yet but he is already suggesting you work for him
    He should be the one buying a small house item to offer you while he is shopping for his house. He should give it to you saying ”Here, I thought of you when I saw this bla bla bla”

    6*He has a girl friend on face book? It is not your problem, it is HIS.
    He is the only one to know if he loves her or not.
    If he should ever commit to you, he will drop her, you will know it. As long as he does no drop her, it means he is not into you. SOOOOO his life and intentions are not your problem at all. He does not have any type of importance, he is equal to all other men.
    Treat him as that, no more. Don’t take in account what he feels or wants from you. We don’t know what he feels or want.
    If you feel he wastes your work time, do tell him he needs to let you work. That’s legitimate and polite.

    7* he pings you at night?
    So, what? Million people do that and never meet lol
    It takes a second to ping a person. It is not work at all. How about him inviting you for a tea or a meal in the evening, rather than send a ping?

    8*He will invite you to his new house?
    Keep aware, please, meemee.
    If you want to have sex, go ahead but remember it does not mean a thing to the man
    If you want him to respect you as a possible match, don’t go to his house.
    If you want him as a simple friend, he does not need you at his house either. You are not real good trusty friends like justifying you can hang at each other’s house.

    7*He thinks that him being at the bottom of the work ladder, he will always have you to yell at.
    not good at all
    He got the woman/man dynamics all wrong. I don’t see a woman blossoming with him.

    Isabel Allende says: “The most destitute man has someone he can abuse: a woman or a child.”

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:20am

  169. 169: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #165 – You could say, “I feel concerned that I still don’t have back the library book. The librarian is sitting on my head to return it. I don’t want to lose my library priveleges. What can we do to get the book back on ASAP?”

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:29am

  170. 170: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just discovered my short list of what I’m looking for:

    I want a sexy man who I can tolerate living with.

    Well, maybe Enjoy living with.

    That’s all.

    Whaddya think?

    Doesn’t sound like much to ask, but I’m having a hard time getting it.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:30am

  171. 171: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @150 Brenda

    I have a different team of jerks. You can WRITE to them.

    They are still jerks. That’s what they do.

    I’m going to work on my loan project again today and this weekend. I have procrastination fever too and I’ve missed a deadline. Yuck. I lost a whole bunch of stuff off my computer and I’m starting from scratch.

    What do you think about this?

    Do you know how to figure out a income contingent payment? I assumed you did. Figure it out and see if it’s less than what your monthly payment is now. You are figuring your payment based on your income NOT the outstanding balance of your loan.

    Google and find the worksheet/formulas online. You could do it this weekend. Or I’ll post here if/when I find it again. SOme of the ppl at DOE aren’t helpful either I talked to some guy who says it doesn’t exist anymore… I believe it does still exist..they’d rather we didn’t know.

    Could you write a letter proposing that you “wish to rehabililtate my defaulted student loan with monthly payments that are affordable to me.” Based on my income of _______ I could pay ___________. {insert amount you have already figured out using the formula} Or use those forms that you got in the mail. The forms should explain what you are entitled to do to stop the garnishment. If you don’t still have them there’s nothing to stop you from writing a letter on plain paper.

    Something like that. Send by certified mail.

    Bankruptcy probably only a stopgap in garnishment as I believe cannot be discharged in your bankruptcy…

    But sometimes a stopgap is all you need.

    You always know best. Not me, not even your lawyer. You will always be the one person absolutely in your corner.

    This is what I have to do again! I missed my deadline so I’m sending it anyway direct to DOE.

    So, Brenda I’ll be with you in spirit this weekend as I want to get things in mail before Nov. 1st.

    And…bottom line. It’s only money. Even with a garnishment we can still be be happy every day, be beautiful, healthy, lose weight, earn an income, find a man who will commit to us in a loving, sexy, fun, safe and secure relationship.

    You are smart. I believe you can do whatever you have to do.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:36am

  172. 172: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:


    Re: #76 – wow! I have to say, in the past, I wouldn’t even date a friend’s ex-boyfriend. It was totally taboo to me. But this post is awesome! Thanks for sharing it. It takes a brave, brave soul to buck society like she did.

    I’ve been touched by this a little more personally. My brother (whom some of you might know. I totally idolize) married an ex-girlfriend of my cousin’s. Holy cow! Did that stir up some crap. It’s been YEARS since he married her, and they are enviably happy and have an amazing relationship. But my brother and cousin are just now beginning to talk again and my Dad was none too happy about it either.

    I told him at the time, that I would not have gone there, personally. It’s not as if he stole her away, my cousin was a total jacka$$ to her, but he was still butt hurt by it. All I can say though, is when I see them together, I feel very happy that they were both brave enough to follow their bliss because it is a beautiful thing to behold.

    Just thought I’d share my own experience with this. See? My bro’s a renegade too. Wonder why I’m attracted to that. Good for Trudy (is that her name) for being a renegade herself and her friend for getting past her selfish needs and blessing it.

    As for the rest of what you say, seems like you’re getting some good practice at speaking “Rori-esque” on here. Good luck!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:36am

  173. 173: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @168: Lucy says:

    “I just discovered my short list of what I’m looking for:
    I want a sexy man who I can tolerate living with.”

    I like that. 😀


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:40am

  174. 174: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I hear you saying I am willing to take crumbs. It would feel good to hear you have really high standards!! What do you think/feel?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:43am

  175. 175: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! that was an enligtening take on it.
    No, I am not planning to go to his house. No way!
    Some parts of your reply were really really enlightening to me.
    Thanks dear

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:45am

  176. 176: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    $408 payment if I agree. About $500 if it is garnished. Thanks! I will consider writing the letter.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:46am

  177. 177: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Whoa, Brenda! That’s not at ALL what I’m saying! My standards are apparently too high to accept 99.999% of the men who contact me, ya know? :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:47am

  178. 178: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel curious, though, Brenda, about why you heard it that way….

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:48am

  179. 179: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #166 – Wow, awesome breakdown of her situation! It was enlightening to me, too! :-) It really helps me to hear the perspective of other people, because I was so left out of the social loop for too many decades.

    I feel curious about your background…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:50am

  180. 180: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Why have a short list? Why not a long list? Why base your expectations, dreams, and desires on most of the men whom you have met so far? Why not base it on the stars?


    I feel sad to hear a Siren having a short list. It would feel so good to hear another Siren has a long list based on shooting for the stars, shooting for the best of the best, in a long list! What do you think or feel?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:52am

  181. 181: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I love the way loneplum breaks things down and illuminates things.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:52am

  182. 182: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I’m not basing it on the men I have met — I’m basing it on what I want — becoming clearer about what I want.

    Most of the relationship coaches advise having a short list because we don’t know exactly what package the relationship we really want will come in.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:57am

  183. 183: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    The reason I spelled out my long exchange with Franny is because twice now in recent weeks, I’ve had a major falling out with valued friends BECAUSE I used feeling messages.

    So I wonder:

    Am I using them wrong?
    Is it because my shift in the long term relationship is creating a vacuum?
    Is it healthy or nonhealthy?
    How to address feeling messages in long-standing friendships…
    Am I going to lose all my long term friends because I am adjusting my relational style?
    Am I really that abrasive?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:59am

  184. 184: janjuneNo Gravatar says:


    #166 and all of your comments….

    i am getting in touch with the *depth* of the dynamic with men from reading your comments

    thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:03am

  185. 185: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    All right, whatever works for you. My list is someone who is spiritually deep in things of God; emotionally sensitive and kind; intellectually intelligent; physically as tall as me or taller and not much more than 15 yrs apart in age…beyond that, I am willing to wait and be surprised. But I really want a man whose vibe is on the same wavelength as mine. That’s hard to find.

    Can I go back to bed now? I like Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry! Yum!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:03am

  186. 186: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I actually feel really good about this. It’s like that exercise Rori has of identifying the FEELINGS you want in your relationship — and being surprised by the man who ends up giving you those feelings.

    My short list is the conscious awareness of why I unconsciously felt so attracted to TN man and WH.

    Now that I know what I’m looking for, I can let go of it having to be one of them. It could be ANY man who is sexy (me-focused translation: I feel turned-on and fulfilled with him) and enjoyable to live with.

    What do you think? :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:04am

  187. 187: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy and Brenda
    Three cheers for Loneplum :) :)

    I have that “Meemee the president” post (that you posted on last thread) pasted on my wall. I might want to become the president of India, may be 8 years down the line, when I become 35. I might, I really might consider it :) :)
    Love you

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:05am

  188. 188: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – “My list is someone who is spiritually deep in things of God; emotionally sensitive and kind; intellectually intelligent; physically as tall as me or taller and not much more than 15 yrs apart in age…beyond that, I am willing to wait and be surprised. But I really want a man whose vibe is on the same wavelength as mine.”

    Feels shorter than my short list. :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:06am

  189. 189: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #184 – I feel what you’re saying. I am trying to be more feeling-centered on who I marry ultimately, too.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:08am

  190. 190: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #186 – I’m saying a whole lot more than I can say on the blog. It’s between the lines.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:09am

  191. 191: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Wow! That’s awesome! You go!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:10am

  192. 192: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I’ll define what I mean more in my list for a man’s qualifications: I want to be with a man who is a spiritual leader, Chri*stlike, and ideally in ministry.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:12am

  193. 193: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @161: Brenda says:

    “I just wonder if anyone has any feedback, or suggestions on how to handle it. I am not responding yet. I might even give it a day or so to cool off. Help, please! “

    What a wonderful friend you have! She is a treasure. Oh, I wish I had a dear friend like yours. The only thing I could recommend is:

    Dear Franny, please forgive me. I must have been temporarily insane.

    [this is what a friend and I used to say to each other when we had overreacted or gone numb in some highly stressed emotional scenario: “I must have been temporarily insane.” That’s all we needed to say to each other and we “got it.”]

    Sometimes we’d tell each other that too:

    “Don’t worry about it, I know you’re ‘temporarily insane'”– when it was about a relationship, a job, housing, finances, anything emotionally charged. And usually the one of us without “the problem” would sit down and reason out what to do and the steps to take or even DO some of the steps for the other.

    Note: Brenda, you once mentioned that I “put down” myself and my beliefs. This is so not true; I have very strong beliefs and I struggle sometimes not to be pushy and to interfere. In this case I agree 100% with your friend and she has put things in a way that I hope I can learn to do.

    I find only the deepest, truest, most unselfish remarks in her messages to you. I find no abuse–perhaps asking you “why you were doing it” might not have been the best way to go and I would not recommend that phrase but it was no doubt said out of frustration.

    I believe she is very stressed with you.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:12am

  194. 194: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I think this is something a lot of us have been going through as we transition to a new communication and relational style. We are all hitting road blocks when our beloved silver bullet feeling messages actually result in the other person feeling blamed. Give yourself a big hug. You will figure it out. You will fall into your own way. Keep practicing. Just wait. We all will :D.

    That fact that you even try to use feelings instead of straight up blaming is a huge step. You should feel really proud.

    True friends will stick around if you keep them in the loop about your transition to a different relational style and apologize when it’s due. Like, “sorry, I am working on changing my relational style, and I didn’t mean to make you feel blamed or judged. I am working on this…”

    True friends worth having will not tolerate you using feeling messages as a way of hurting them and being an emotional mess that requires everyone to walk on eggshells.

    I hope you’re feeling a little better now.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:15am

  195. 195: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nikita!

    Thanks. 😀

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:20am

  196. 196: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV and Dorothea,

    Thanks for your feedback. I know she cares about me. But if you had heard her tone of voice on the phone last Wed, when I hung up on her lovingly, you would have heard harshness and condemnation. I ran to the blog, where it is soft and gentle when we overfunction for the umpteenth time. And, Franny doesn’t know this, but it all turned out with Ryan, since he opened our friendship back up.

    Even tho I know she cares, she can be really loud and harsh, and it’s the way her family speaks. I can’t handle it from her any more than I could handle it from my parents! I am just too sensitive, and I feel emotionally abused.

    Another issue I have is she is pretty much saying if you don’t take my advice hook, line, and sinker, I won’t advise you any more and I won’t be your friend. I believe there is safety in counsel from various people. So am I a jerk if I don’t do every single thing that every single person advises?

    Or should I do what Kenny says, and just keep my issues between him and me? I don’t want to do that. I am asking that rhetorically.

    When I get advice from various people, it is like seeing a diamond through many facets all at once. It gives me a broader perspective and gives me solutions I may not have thot of alone.

    Did I truly do anything worth apologizing over? I don’t see it.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:29am

  197. 197: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I would recommend staying with your feelings, and not judging or blaming your friend.

    It sounds to me like you are both judging each other.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:33am

  198. 198: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — I typed out a long synopsis of what I saw as the issue with your reaching out to Ryan, but I deleted it and will just say this instead…I understand why your friend Frannie is frustrated. Having lost my “best” friend earlier this year (when she tried to screw me over financially), I would thank my lucky stars that I had a friend as brave and devoted as Frannie is.

    It’s almost like watching a 3-yr old putting their hand into the fire repeatedly and being surprised each time she gets burned and I imagine that would get extremely frustrating for someone who loves you to watch.

    I hope you take this in the spirit it was meant in — I want you to be happy and move towards all the great things life has to offer, but I don’t see how staying in contact with Ryan helps you get there.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:33am

  199. 199: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry to hear about Franny. I know that you value her friendship and she’s been very supportive of you and this situation in the past.

    My thought (note: I’m in my head here, boy-mode) is that she is truly concerned about your being hurt anymore by Ryan. She knows probably more about the goings on than any of us on Siren Island, even.

    I don’t have any good advice for you (I wish I did) on how to handle it. I’m not sure what to think about her telling you that she doesn’t want a friend who can’t be real with her. I’m not sure that feeling messages are the problem. Maybe the emotional abuse comment was a little blaming (?) But that’s small potatoes.

    I’m curious to know if the falling out with your other friend had to do with Ryan. It doesn’t seem like it did, but in Franny’s case, she seems scared for you to me. Wish I knew how to help. Just know I’m feeling your pain. For what that’s worth…(Shrug).

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:44am

  200. 200: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, Lucy, and Sweetpea,

    Thank you for the feedback!! That really helps me be more objective of myself and the situation with Franny! I will give it all some thot, prayer, and feeling, and i will write Franny with an apology over the weekend. I love you all!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:49am

  201. 201: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    This Lady A song playing on the radio right now should be banned (“Need You Now”).

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:54am

  202. 202: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I’m glad you feel good about the feedback! <3

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:54am

  203. 203: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    In other news, I just got a call back from a Christian attorney with whom I’ve been acquainted 22 years! He is now semi-retired, and I asked him if I could simply have some advice.

    He kindly just spent 15 min with me on the phone!! I feel extremely solid with his advice, since he knows the law AND my heart! He affirmed the rate of the other attorney with whom I’m working. He said it sounds like a wise course of action to be free of debt; get a fresh start; feel better being free of as much responsibility on disability for a time. He thinks I am on the right track, and he recommended that I go thru with the bankruptcy, and its accompanying disability (necessary in order to be free of the student loan). He reminded me the disability will not hold me back forever. I can get back in the work force whenever I feel better able to. He suggested that I also discuss it with my church leaders, and I feel good about that, too. He said to tell the people at the church that I need a leg up right now. He said I need to make a choice and move on it without waiting around.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:55am

  204. 204: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee 185

    I know

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:00pm

  205. 205: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I just had a cool experience. I was feeling overwhelmed again with the physical details of my life. I feel inspired to do and become so many things and I was feeling overwhelmed with how I was going to accomplish them all.

    So I tried an Abraham process to feel better.

    I was trying to go for contentedness, hopefulness, and optimism on the emotional scale.

    So I wrote a list of all the things that are working in my life.

    And there were a lot of things. And then I realized most of them have happened all within the last year. Wow! I feel pleasantly surprised!!! If I could do all that within the last year, I can easily accomplish what I want now.

    Here’s my list of things that are working in my life.

    – I have my own house all to myself (well, LI is here now which is great but technically it’s my place…no roommates!)
    – I have a brand new car with no payments. I love that I am free to go do whatever I want.
    – I now own my business. I have work lined up and payments due to me. I bought my partner out and that went well. The energy is good between us.
    – and I’m free to run the business as I want which is great!
    – I have a lover who treats me so well, is moving the relationship forward, whom I feel attracted to
    – I live in a great community with creative, high vibing people. I see a lot of potential fun there.
    – I have enough money saved up to pay my bills for a bit, money coming in, and work on the horizen.
    – I have a job with lots of freedom
    – I have a great dog!
    – my body is doing great. I lost about 15-20 lbs over the past year and am pretty much at my ideal weight.
    – my sister is still alive and healthy after a near death experience last year
    – I have people who will help me if I am ever in dire straights financially
    – I am making progress on my house being organized and comfy.

    Ooo now I feel worried I will seem like I am bragging. But I don’t want to feel that way I want to feel excited and celebratory about what is working.

    Wow, I see a limiting belief here. I can’t be happy about my life because it might hurt other people.

    Nooooooooo! Limiting belief be gone.

    What if I believed it would inspire people?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:11pm

  206. 206: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    oh my goodness, Sirens! I just fell in Love!!! ahem, I mean Lust :)

    so…. he was tall dark and handsome, he dresses like a chef but I don’t know for sure since Halloween is this weekend…but he was buying fancy food stuffs the way a chef would and…..

    he was on line when I walked past him and then he got off line and followed me around :) OMG!!!!

    my heart was….. somersaulting !!! and I still feel giddy and 😯 and wow…..he was beautiful…. I think if I didn’t scurry off he may have made a move—— wow…. younger than my usual too…

    wow…I am totally in Love :) ahem, I mean Lust :)

    sigh,……swoon….(fanning self from overheating) sigh…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:16pm

  207. 207: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    That is wonderful ! I am so happy for you! You enjoy your hard-earned success! You are a role model to us all…in many ways!!! Happy Laughing Goddess Day!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:17pm

  208. 208: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    10 seconds…. a new record for myself…. now, what is his name???? haha!! strapping young man is def. a good description….wow…..

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:18pm

  209. 209: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. – Booker T. Washington

    I talked with a woman the other night who had called in to brag about her son. She was so emotional I couldn’t even air the conversation because I couldn’t stop crying thru it. Her son, at 10 years old, had just learned how to walk. He has cerebral palsy and it was the first time he’d ever walked across the room without the aid of a walker.

    Consider for a minute the people around you and what obstacles they may have had to overcome. Obstacles you may not even realize ever existed for that person, or do currently exist. We all face challenges at points in our life. Sometimes you’ll be walking down the road of life and everything will be going well and then “Boom,” the road washes out beneath you. Or a tragedy befalls you. Troubles arrive and you have to deal with them.
    We don’t always get to choose our circumstances. Rarely do we get to choose them. But we always get to choose how we’re going to respond. Whatever your obstacle is today, big or small, don’t give up. Say a heartfelt prayer for help. Keep praying whenever the circumstance comes to mind. With that and a little faith, you have a good defense against a troubled heart. And with a heart that’s strong, you will find the strength to overcome obstacles.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:27pm

  210. 210: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooo Brenda! Thank you so much. That feels really good to hear!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:28pm

  211. 211: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You mean 10 second eye contact? Or 10 seconds before you bounded away like a scared bunny? :-) Just teasing. How cum you didn’t stick around for the fireworks? 😆

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:28pm

  212. 212: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am having a falling out with my friend too. he owes me money. never loan money to your friends or pre-pay for their services. make your money a one way ticket or you’ll end up feeling screwed.

    he is 2 months overdue paying me back 40 bucks. i have been really patient for the money but his behavior toward me has gotten more and more out of pocket. finally today we arranged a pick up for my money after he said coming to me (2 miles away) was such a huge hassle for him, so I am going to him, and i said thanks, and he said pffft, i won’t ask you for help again, my bad.

    the only reason i was concerned about getting my money back is because i didn’t want it to push our friendship south. and now i feel like burning that bridge. so he can keep the money and use it to buy some decency. har har. i know that’s harsh. i feel angry

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:28pm

  213. 213: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:


    Lol! Good for you!

    Laughing Goddess – Yay! For you. Inspirational. Must be my word for the day!

    Brenda – is this attorney you talked to going to help you with the filing for disability. I think a break from the rigors of your sleep disorder and having to try to function with it would be soooo good for you. Good luck Sister Siren!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 12:46pm

  214. 214: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    I just read what your friend wrote. It sounds like she is concerned, not only for you, but for Ryan. If he has repeatedly asked you for space, I’m not clear on why you are not giving to him. He is schizophrenic, right? If so, and you are violating his boundaries, that could be very stressful to him and harmful to his mental health. He does not have strong defenses. I hear your friend saying that you are wounding him with your contact.

    It is ok that you still feel bad and that you don’t have it all together yet. This is a process. But it’s not ok to hurt someone else that cannot entirely defend himself. He has a very serious illness and needs to do what he needs to stay stable and sane. I hear your friend defending him and asking you to leave him alone for his sake as well as your own.

    I understand that you are lonely and sad. You are just going to have to find a different way to deal with it than putting it on him. That is the most loving thing if he cannot deal with it. I think you are starting to move in a better direction to take better care of yourself, and that should help you be able to let go, and maybe focus more on your own stuff rather than his.

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I am in no way trying to minimize what you are going through – especially when I’m new to this blog and don’t know the entire history. At the same time I think it’s important to acknowledge what he’s going through. Part of setting our own boundaries is respecting other people’s. Sometimes the most loving this is to let someone go.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:09pm

  215. 215: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea –

    He said “I won’t ask you for help again.” Maybe that’s a good thing, in other words, “I won’t ask for a loan and then keep your money again.” LOL He acts like he is doing YOU a favor by taking your money…now he’s going to “punish” you by not asking for anymore loans?

    Shame on you for not letting others take advantage of you…NOT!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:14pm

  216. 216: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I think she’s making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. He has stronger defenses than anyone I know. He doesn’t mind me contacting him near as much as Franny does! I just am really attached to him and struggling. Gotta go.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:16pm

  217. 217: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this clip from the woman who wrote the vagina monologues, regarding security :)

    thx Loneplum!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:23pm

  218. 218: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I refute the “never lend money to friends” claim.

    A girlfriend and I spent 10 years as friends lending each other money…. we are not speaking right now but every penny between us is accounted for and in the hands of the rightful owner. a few thousand moved between us…. and I miss that- I loved sharing that kind of trust and care….. when we “lent” it…we discussed how we would return it and if one hit a snag we just communicated that…like, hey I lost my job or I really want to do xyz and I owe you this money so how are you? do you need it?? because I do…. need it and I’d like to not worry about it for a few months….. we got on very well that way…. and even when I was furious with her I still paid her back….. and if she owed a little…I’d lend more…. and we kept tabs on the numbers together…. gee, i am missing her!!!! gossip is what turned me off from the friendship……. and not about me but to me…. I just didn’t want to have preconceived notions of people anymore due to her “reporting” on who they were….

    I refute! money was NEVER the issue.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  219. 219: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i was feeling very angry, it felt bad and good at the same time. weird.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  220. 220: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    He may seem like he has strong defenses, but he doesn’t. It’s part of the disorder and there’s no way around it.

    Here’s a link with some basic info…

    It is about family support, but it does discuss how to prevent a relapse, and includes keeping a low stress enviornment and not getting emotionally involved with the person.

    ‘Nuf said…you can do with the information what you wish.

    I do feel for your struggle. It’s hard to let go of someone that is loved…especially when they have been in your life for quite awhile like he has.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:36pm

  221. 221: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – I do have ONE friend like that, and we have known each other since we were 9. Even when she was on meth 24/7 and I loaned her money for an abortion, she paid me back 50 a week. even if she was high as f*ck.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

  222. 222: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    she actually paid me back more on time than i ever paid her back. sigh.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:48pm

  223. 223: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I love all the support you received here today and on the phone with your lawyer friend. I truly believe this is your prayer from this morning being answered. Yay!

    Hmmm, not sure what to make of this – just read a chapter in a book about James Redfield’s “The Tenth Insight” where he talked about animals being answers to prayers. He said, “pay attention to animals when (you) need direction or insight.”

    Then today, a black and white cat sauntered into my home. Have never seen him before. He hung out for 30 minutes or so, and left.

    Looking up “cat omen” on Google, it says that a cat entering your home is a propitious event.

    I don’t know if I believe that, but it was sure nice to visit with him today! I always feel blessed when animals cross my path or come into my home!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 1:58pm

  224. 224: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I had a friend who I fell out with once I stopped having money problems. we used to loan money back and forth all the time, but I stopped spending frivolously and worked to save my money and she didn’t, so I stopped needing to borrow money and she kept borrowing. I didn’t mind loaning her money, but it felt awful to see her stay in a financial black hole of irresponsibility with two toddlers to feed. After a couple of years of this I realized that as nice as it was to be able to loan money back and forth with a friend, I wanted to be in a deep close friendship like that with someone who wants to work on being more financially independent and responsible, instead of just being able to count on each other to bail each other out when we’re not allocating our funds responsibly.

    i am not the most responsible but i at least pay my bills when they’re due, instead of eating out 5 nights a week and buying new clothes every other day. that money burns a hole in my pocket but i hate to see it burn the pants right off of someone.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 2:11pm

  225. 225: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I am all for Asset Based Thinking. 100%.
    I would love a group of gfs that are money focused-like an investment group-

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 2:33pm

  226. 226: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    To all:

    If anyone here has not seen the Vagina Monologues they are an absolute must. They come to my town in February, not sure about other parts of the country.
    If you can go and see, they are awesome. You will laugh, cry and think. You will come away changed a bit.
    It is a wonderful celebration of the female.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 2:54pm

  227. 227: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “a black and white cat ”

    Siena – Lucky you. Was it Peanut?


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 3:40pm

  228. 228: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Somebody here slap me, please!!

    I have been making such nice progress, focusing on my feelings, my life,

    I have truly been losing interest in making emotional connection with HSLD man anymore, because he is nowhere near committed. Constantly offers excuses and says he is confused.

    Calls everyday to keep me hooked, no doubt for his own imaginary purposes, but I am getting sick of feeling literally sick to my stomach the morning after, once again getting my hopes up after one of these calls where he throws out some crumbs, and when i wake up with a sinking feeling.

    anyway, because i am opening up so much more to the other men, i was having a fantastic time last night with three of them on different online dating sites, lots of interest in talking/meeting, have a date on Sunday, and a couple of others want to meet as well…i was enjoying myself SO much, opening up, creating connection…

    I told myself i would not answer the phone if HSLD called. But I did. When i wouldn’t emotionally connect with him, he called me boring.

    Today I felt so angry and like crying and going into crazymaking thinking blaming myself for not being enough of a Siren, that i should be patient and give him time, and that it’s my fault that he’s so “confused” and emotionally unavailable.
    This succeeded in taking my mind off the other nice men I have been engaging with, lessening the connection.

    I can’t seem to do the No Contact Rule, because I just don’t want things to end that way. We were inseparable for three years as teens/young adults, and tried to get together a few times after that also.

    I feel trapped, but I also feel that i’m making progress.

    Thank you so so much everyone for your sharings, I can’t tell you how helpful they all are…the support here is just incredible


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 3:47pm

  229. 229: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I can’t believe I have never seen the Vagina Monologues !

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 3:48pm

  230. 230: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Txting back and forth w/a new guy who’s cracking me up :) . (He called originally, but I wasn’t in the mood to chat on the phone). Don’t know if it’ll turn into anything (he’s 3 hrs away) but he is cute and successful and I’m just enjoying receiving his humor at the moment :) .

    Hope all you sirens have wonderful, yummy evenings!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 3:50pm

  231. 231: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    LITS — Have you read “Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl”? I think that book would really resonate w/u right now…it sure did w/me and Blondie (coming on super strong at first and pursuing relentlessly only to pull back once I got emotionally invested). Anyway — reading that is what riled me up enough to send Blondie the “get lost” message. I think reading it (or re-reading it, as the case may be) would really help you right now. What do you think?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 3:58pm

  232. 232: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    life –

    first off this is my first “non-slap” that may be nonetheless kinda harsh – DONT EVER ask anyone to slap you… (i know you were joking)… NOT beating up you please, theres a lil girl inside you scared to be slapped… and she needs your love and protection

    second – when he calls you boring. say… ohh that feels bad… actually i feel kinda angry…

    if the next thing he says doesnt feel good

    hang up

    this will bring u back mucho power

    The End.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:01pm

  233. 233: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – to me this behavior feels terrible to witness, not so much because i’m concerned about Ryan… but about you

    it’s like watching someone injecting themself with heroin while trying to quit.. and then they say… hey i just injected myself with heroin and look at me

    and im like… wtf! … i feel horrified, and helpless, and angry, and powerless… and sad… and scared

    it does Not feel good. I don’t want to be abused by being exposed to the emotional fall outs of another person’s addiction

    I think in this situation Rori says to leave the man until He heals himself and not to tolerate feeling horrible

    It would work similarly to women… not to judge… because maybe them taking those last hits are just what’s right for them

    but it doesn’t feel good to me to see that… and i feel drained

    i don’t want to feel that way

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:06pm

  234. 234: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    daria are you still here?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:09pm

  235. 235: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Hi Renee, thanks, i have been reading your posts about it. i am on the fence about buying that book because I have been reading all the articles on Baggage claim site, and wonder if most of the info in the book is in the articles. What do you think?

    I have been finding them valuable to a certain extent, but I feel that it leans towards making them into a bad guy and me into a victim, which feels counterproductive. The saving grace is that she does from time to time mention to look at your own part in it.

    anyway…the problem is that i have told him to get lost many times already. Gone for a month without talking to him. The nostalgia/sentimentality/familiarity part is what trips me up.

    There is even a couple of articles on childhood sweetheart relationships on BaggageClaim that are very down to earth and eye opening.

    I honestly feel like when I can truly let go of it, it will probably just fade away. I do feel like it’s happening…

    I am so impressed with how you are handling it

    Thanks again :-)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:10pm

  236. 236: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, maybe it was Peanut!! Yay!!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:10pm

  237. 237: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    More: also, the way to heal the loneliness is to go through it

    i struggled with loneliness too and with going to see guywhohadababy oh boiiiii did i struggle

    but it healed

    i still have had even recent times when i just started reaching out to men

    it’s only recently getting clear that this happens when something is triggered that feels bad and im looking for Comfort, and someone to give me energy to change my energy/mood

    hugging myself and talking to myself in a loving way has slowly started to work – my inner child is starting to trust me now

    HEY?Y you know how i did it actually?

    I read a bunch of INNER BONDING articles

    they are awesome for identifying loneliness, heartache, and when it’s from the wounded child and how to talk to them – it involves asking your spiritual guidance what is the most loving thing to do in the moment

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:12pm

  238. 238: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    janjune ive just arrived… whatsup!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:13pm

  239. 239: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    “first off this is my first “non-slap” that may be nonetheless kinda harsh – DONT EVER ask anyone to slap you… (i know you were joking)… NOT beating up you please, theres a lil girl inside you scared to be slapped… and she needs your love and protection”

    I knew after i wrote that that it might be taken seriously, but I really meant it in a “Snap out of it” way, but your point, Daria, is taken,

    “second – when he calls you boring. say… ohh that feels bad… actually i feel kinda angry…

    if the next thing he says doesnt feel good

    hang up

    this will bring u back mucho power”

    Yes! This is exactly what I have been doing! But, he likes the drama. It makes him think I am passionate and really want him. I said it would be really sick if he provoked me just to get me to react like that. He said he agreed with me that it would be sick. But he likes making up. Games, games, games.

    The End.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:17pm

  240. 240: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #11 Honey

    I totally agree. I don’t want a dishonest man thank you very much. Finish with the girlfriend FIRST!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:21pm

  241. 241: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I like what Brenda posted about how are accomplishments are relative to the obstacles we’ve overcome.

    I’m feeling really hopeful remembering where I’ve come from.

    I don’t usually share much about my past but I feel inspired to share now.

    Five years ago, I got rid of all my possessions, left a job I had been at for eight years, and moved to Hawaii where I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have really any money. It was a
    huge leap of faith. I soon met a man and moved in with him. I worked on his farm/retreat center and started a business with him. I did that for about three years.

    Finally, he asked me to leave because we weren’t getting along (this was pre-Rori). I didn’t have any money because I had been working for him. Supporting his life. Starting a business that made over 100k in profit. But we didn’t have any financial agreement. I will never make that mistake again!

    So he asked me to leave. Gave me $10,000 for buying me out of the business. All I had were my clothes and a few personal items. It was kinda crazy. $10,000 isn’t that much when it’s ALL you have. No home, no car, no job, no household items. I had worked a lot those three years but it was all his.

    Then, immediately after my sister became dealthly ill. The
    timing was good in the sense that I was totally freed up and could take the time to help her which she really needed at the time.

    I did that for about six months. Staying with her in the hospital. I spent the 10,000 at that time.

    So, after she became well, which was about 1 1/2 years ago, I was free to do whatever I wanted but now I had no home, no car, no job, and no money.

    I did have freedom which is something I really wanted. I wanted to break free from my familial …lineage I guess. Bust free of all that was expected of me and do my own thing.

    So, just a year and a half ago this is where I was.

    So, I moved to a new town. Luckily I had some friends there and I started from scratch. No family within 1000’s of miles. It felt kinda scary.

    And when I look back at all that has changed in that time, I feel so amazed and grateful and hopeful that my life can change for the better even more.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:25pm

  242. 242: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    well, rori is right… men will step up, drive the distance it takes, make the plans, do what it takes if they’re interested…
    and if they’re not, they just won’t do it!

    leaning back, giving them room to step up and figure out how much they want to be with us ahhh feels so good.

    i just can’t believe this…

    i have four meetings set up, all with men who (if they are who they say they are) i know will be fun to meet.

    two of them are involved in spiritual and humanitarian work, one is a silversmith and sounds very creative with his work and the other is into organic farming along with having a full time job… all things I like and am pursuing myself.

    Set my boundaries
    Felt my feelings (the best i could)
    Spoke my words (didn’t do it perfectly)
    and Boy! am I surprised!!
    none of these men are men I would have picked for myself.
    Yet they have stepped up and are doing the work, planning the dates, all that rori tells us to draw as boundaries that are “not up for negotiation”! :)

    i can’t wait to see who they are.
    feels real.
    will see.

    this will be it for me for awhile on Siren Island… taking a short break, see what these men are all about!

    thankyou thankyou to everyone who has shared their online dating experiences and words of advice and wisdom.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:26pm

  243. 243: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    im having second thoughts about how i handled my mailbox…

    do you delete the men who haven’t stepped up within a couple of weeks or do you just let them stay in your mailbox until they delete you?


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  244. 244: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    i mean i got tired of logging on and seeing them leaning back lol

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:30pm

  245. 245: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And now as I tell the story, I feel proud of myself for taking the leap. For releasing familial patterns and going out on my own. My family lives in a small town in the Midwest and I was dying there. I needed an adventure and I got it. Now I feel more of a pull to settle down. It’s like I had to have no possessions for a while and just be free. Free to go wherever I wanted, try new experiences. Nothing tying me down.

    Now I want a home. I want a job. But I want to do it in my way. Not the way my family has.

    Thanks for holding space for me to revisit this.

    It really gives me perspective. If I could make it through that, then what I’m dealing with now is nothing. It will be easy. I CAN do it!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:31pm

  246. 246: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    LITS — I can see how you might feel that way, but I found the book very empowering. One of the things it really helped me with was just realizing what behavior was truly dysfunctional…it’s been so long since I’ve been in a healthy, long-term relationship that my measuring stick kind of got out of whack.

    And the book also made me take a look at my part in the process — mainly not having the self esteem to set firm boundaries and continuing to live in the fairytale of “but we were meant to be together”. There is no fairytale — just the reality of the behavior you see before you and the quality of the interactions you’re experiencing. If those things aren’t good, your relationship’s not good for you.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:34pm

  247. 247: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Question here…still txting this man and I asked him what the strangest or funniest online dating experience he’d had was. He replied with a story about a woman who sent him a pair of VS panties prior to the date in a size small (ok, very weird), but to top it off, when he met her, “she was as big as a house!”

    That felt bad to read…I mean, I understand he wants to date someone who’s height/weight proportionate and I’m pretty slender, but it just seemed like such a crude way to put that…how should I reply?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:45pm

  248. 248: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess – I feel great reading your story. I am breaking free from my familial destiny too. I feel like I have actually broken free. In fact, I feel so broken free that I think I could sit down with the mother who abused, drugged, and abandoned me and feel immune to it all. I feel the hooks to my past less and less deep in my back pulling me backwards. I feel less fearful about being abandoned or abused as a general rule. I feel like I can get ahead in life. I feel honest and authentic even though the only model I was raised with was centered around scamming, lying, and manipulating for both material and psychological gain.

    Weeee I am free like a bird.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:46pm

  249. 249: JeanNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies,
    I am wondering if anyone has a suggestion for me. I have been circular dating…have abou 6 men in my rotation now. None is MR Right…but I am having this problem as have been dating all of them about 2 months now. and 3 of them have wanted to become exclusive…me as their only girlfriend..trouble is, I don’t want to give them the wife, not girlfriend talk…because, frankly…I don’t want to be a wife of any of these men! I am only dating them for the thearpy and practice as per rori’s advice. And there was another man in my rotation..that I gave the girlfriend talk to ..and the next date..he showed up with a ring and a proposal…!!!! and He wasn’t Mr Right either…so I am unsure what to do. THis isn’t the first time this has happened to me. that a man has asked me to marry him after only a month or so of dating, but before it was just one man at a time I was dating…so…what Do I do????? Tell these men I want to be a wife and hope and pray they don’t aske me!!! or after dating for a while just drop them??? It seems to stem from my age/men’s age problem. I used to only date men younger then me(I am 56, always mistaken for about 44-46). but since rori said don’t turn any man down, unless he is really scary or totally disgusting…I have been accepting dates from men my age or older..even if Normally I would never be attracted to these men…and they seem to be the ones who want to marry right away. What do you think ladies?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:51pm

  250. 250: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    janjune – i don’t delete them… BUT it doesn’t matter…

    deleting them out of MY mailbox is a preference…

    i like having my mailbox saying “4000” messages…

    it lets me know im hitting superstar status wihtout selling a thing yet

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:56pm

  251. 251: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Jean you must be one hot mama:P

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:57pm

  252. 252: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jean,
    yes, I feel stopping dating them sooner, before they attach like, that would be good…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:57pm

  253. 253: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #103 Brenda (and Lucy)

    My house is not messy, in fact it is quite lovely and very feminine BUT I don’t have a man either :(

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 4:59pm

  254. 254: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea: yes! I was feeling you as I was writing that and remembering how far you’ve come from your familial destiny as well. Ahhhhh, I feel really happy.

    I love my family but their path is not my path. It was really hard for me to break free and fly. I held myself back because I was scared to outgrow them. But then I realized that I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by staying small.

    I still have some feelings of guilt…that I moved away but I trust that it was right and that somehow following my dreams will inspire them.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:04pm

  255. 255: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    life –

    “he likes the drama” this is a thought (and a judgement). it carries energy. holding it is like holding up a sign that says you want that in your life

    H”ello, just to make sure, i want in my life that this man X likes the drama”


    for me, I look at it as… he Doesn’t like the drama. he;s a divine human, like me, And he would love to be honest and happy and healthy

    BUT, he is falling into old patterns and triggers. he has them like i do. and this seems to be one of them for him… he falls into this drama pattern


    I am a Goddess that heals him. I don’t want the drama… I want him! free of the drama. So i will keep accepting him, and saying NO to the drama

    It’s like i’m having a helping hand for him to get back on the path, everytime he falls off

    its like love and connection are the path, and drama is the ditches on the side

    “oops you fell into the drama again… that’s ok… and gosh it feels bad to get drama mud splashed on me… i don’t want that!!… well i’m NOT gonna fall there with you… thank gosh i’m less attracted to it than you… I am still here on the path, so my hand (warmth and openess) is available to get back on the path when you gather up out the ditch”

    this will help him heal himself… and being attracted to a h ealthy woman facilitates that… because she stays firmly on the path and its easier for him to See her, and go to her, than to get up on his own

    this means she absolutely must NOT blindly go in the drama with him (its ok if she falls in and gets back out dusting herself off – it happens)

    if he’s splashing too much mud on her, and it feels bad time and time again… she may leave him behind and he will have to get up out of there himself (she won’t be available) and chase after her on the path

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:07pm

  256. 256: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I think I blew that one…I gave him a feeling message about feeling bad to read about that woman being “as big as a house” and that I felt bad for people who had such big obstacles in their way to finding love. No response…was I being too picky or just putting a boundary in place? So hard for me to tell?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:08pm

  257. 257: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    thanks daria… i probably just need to get over being bugged when men lean back :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:11pm

  258. 258: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    who cares why he’s not responding renee. don’t worry about that. you said something felt bad and it was a beautiful statement. he is probably just feeling like an idiot, or wishing you were less mature. BUT who cares.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:13pm

  259. 259: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jean – yes I would tell them I want to be A wife, not Their wife…

    and to a man who proposes with future plans AND it feels good and comfortable for me

    wow! to the ring bearer!! hehe!! that would have felt Amazing (and very triggering and awkward)

    you’re doing Great

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:17pm

  260. 260: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #164 Nikita

    Why and how have you been secretly willing me to go home and for how long?

    (Can you tell I am a Gemini? 😀 )

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:18pm

  261. 261: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Backtrack…he eventually wrote back and apologized…he apparently has a tendency to be crude, but he still seems kind of sweet…we’ll see…

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:18pm

  262. 262: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jean – ps … are you being honest with your feelings as to how attracted — as in NOT feeling very attracted yet — you are with these men?

    cause being honest with them this way can let them better gauge how to court you… so that they can start getting you attracted

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:19pm

  263. 263: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Boo hoo I wish I had a halloween party to go to. :(

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:30pm

  264. 264: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — Me too. Blondie and I were going to go to this big Halloween party being held at the restaurant where we first met…oh, well.

    Is Mover Man still hanging around? Has he not asked you to do something this weekend?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:35pm

  265. 265: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    mover man is siena’s guy. i am in no-man’s land. unless you count 26 who has been texting all day begging me to come over and have sex in costumes for halloween.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:44pm

  266. 266: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    sorry about the lost plans with blondie. that sucks. :(

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:49pm

  267. 267: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh — sorry. Got them confused…that’s what happens when I try to think on 2 hrs sleep, lol. Well, I guess I know someone else who may be available to chat on Siren Island tomorrow night, lol.

    None of the guys I’m in contact w/has said anything about this weekend…guess they’re all already otherwise engaged, either w/dates or kids or something. I really need a weekend of relaxation anyway, so I’m not too terribly bummed about it :) .

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:51pm

  268. 268: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    guy friend from college said he’d say come along with him to his friend’s party if i didn’t live so far away. it’s an hour and a half. i would drive that if he invited me for real. it sounds like a fun party – at an old farmhouse in the woods – bonfire, food and “libations” (his word). it’s tomorrow night.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 5:58pm

  269. 269: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    i am watching the tv show “how i met your mother” – been watching it a lot lately – it has lots of funny dating stuff in it that is pretty on-target and educational like this blog. i recommend it. :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:09pm

  270. 270: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #239 LG

    Wow inspirational indeed!! Just what I needed to hear today when I am thinking of selling up and arriving in England with very little and starting up all over again, I am a bit scared as I am not getting any younger. Thank you LG. I am so glad it all worked out well for you and your sister is better.

    I LOVE Hawaii, I have been there 5 times and hope to go again one day :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:12pm

  271. 271: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    If you really think you’d have fun, I might think about making the drive. You really don’t have much to lose (assuming this isn’t a guy you have any interest in) and it might be a blast!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:15pm

  272. 272: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #247 Jean

    Looks like you are working the RR programme too well, so funny!!

    How did you handle the man with the proposal and the ring???!!!!!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:18pm

  273. 273: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    i’m not interested in him and i know i would have a blast (he is fun and sounds like his friends are too) – but he said IF i wasn’t so far away… so maybe he doesn’t really want me to come… or maybe he does and is attracted to me and doesn’t want to appear eager … who knows… hoping he’ll invite me for real. :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:28pm

  274. 274: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #246 Dorothea

    I don’t know your “story” but WOW!! You have come a long way and should be so proud of youself. :)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:28pm

  275. 275: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #245 Renee

    Why the hell would anybody send a date a pair of panties, small OR extra large????!!!

    The mind boggles………(googly eyed icon needed here!)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:30pm

  276. 276: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda 161+ 181

    I will not get into gossip mode and tell you what is best for Ryan. I don’t know him.
    Besides on this page we do not worry about what goes in the man’s side.
    We learn to own our place with dignity and to know what we want.
    I will not turn into blaming mode either, not on Rori’s page.
    I am only treating the situation explained in your post. I do it because you asked us to do it

    YOU told Franny you are addicted to imposing yourself to Ryan and YOU asked her to help you respect yourself.
    Deep down you want to heal, you want to stay away as long as you can
    You do your best
    Then the craving overwhelms you and you call Franny
    She is OK with it, she does her job, she STOPS you, she keeps YOU safe

    Franny was doing what YOU asked her to do. It is not a question of differences of opinion. It is not her trying to impose on you her will.
    Franny did not abuse you emotionally.
    She was stopping you from drinking from the poisonous bottle. You asked her to do it. You did not like it and you pushed her out through the window, to make sure you could drink.
    YOU are the one who hurt her that night.
    You did not respect her feelings, you cared only for your own instant need.
    Don’t feel guilty, it is part of your condition.
    But come back to baby stepping and read this

    You have to understand you can’t tell her all of a sudden, it is just a question of difference of opinions
    You can’t tell her that, not after she spent hours of her life helping you with it.
    She gave her soul, her strength to convince you to respect Ryan’s peace and to respect yourself.
    She can’t gladly hear you saying that she is abusing you emotionally
    You are having a tantrum, Brenda
    I know, it is part of your condition
    I am asking you to do your tantrum in your home, to stomp your feet, to scream and all you want, then to breath
    get under you cover in your bed and sink into your feelings.
    What did you REALLY feel when she reacted to your call?
    Why did you hanged on your angel guardian?
    You hired her to stop you, then you hanged on her when she stops you
    It is the reaction of an addict who kills to have his poisonous bottle

    Franny is doing what Rori wants us to do to a man. She loves you but you are not treating her good, you are not owning your own reactions towards her and she won’t take bad treatment. You are blaming her and she does not have to take it. She was helping you on your own demand.

    Don’t make it about her stuff
    It is not about her stuff, she was not expressing any emotional abuse against you. She was not expressing anything about her own child hood either.
    She was being practical, she was taking the bottle from your hand and you did not like it because you were going through the equivalent of a delirium tremens.

    But it is time for you to own you reactions, Brenda. Don’t try to turn it around to find a way to justify whatever you did. Don’t make her wrong for you to feel right.
    That’s how couples divorce.
    You try to be right no matter what and you think you are practicing to stand for yourself
    Sometimes we do stupid things and that’s all it is: stupid
    They are not important, they are only stupid
    we admit we did them and be it
    no guilt
    In this case, it was not exactly stupid, it was a reaction coming from a craving place.
    But all the same, you need to own your reaction

    There is no way to be gentle when it is about telling a person she can’t have her drugs;
    Franny has no other choice than telling you “NO”
    there is no gentle way to make you accept “no”
    you don’t want to accept “no”
    it is YOUR staff, not Franny’s staff.
    You see things the way around
    You told her she could have talked in a different way
    That’s what women, do. We accuse the men to be the meany.
    Women want the men to change, it is easier than own our reactions.
    It is YOU who could have reacted a different way
    Remember? We don’t try to make the other change. We change ourselves.
    you were supposed to sink in your feelings, not to hang on her
    you were supposed to say
    “i feel so much the crave that I am mixing up your voice and my hurt, please help me, can you take a different voice, just to see if I can surf on your soft voice and forget Ryan tonight? “
    and if she had still say
    “no, I don’t want to speak softly, I am pissed off because I feel unheard, I feel dismissed, unimportant, no matter how much I work with you to keep you out of the bottle, you keep drinking in my back”
    That would be it Brenda.
    Take it as a chance to learn how to be with a man.
    You must learn to respect the man’s right to not feel what you want him to feel.
    That’s what we are all learning here Brenda.

    You really don’t have to feel ashamed or guilty.
    Not one siren here can handle the tools 100% in real life.
    Take the fight with Franny as a chance to learn how to shift a fight with a man.
    But you need to own your reactions, don’t make up that weird things about Franny expressing personal subconscious staff in her anger. Loool
    No, she was pissed off because you drunk from the forbidden bottle.
    Don’t see anything else to it.
    She could have been softer, she usually is, and she was not that night.
    Don’t you love her? Can’t you allow her to feel pissed off?
    When you hanged on her, you were undergoing your craving crisis, it is OK
    But you are back to normal, stop it, stop blaming her.
    She felt pissed off because she spent hours on helping you to stay away.
    She is only human, she owns the right to feel weak and tired at times and to feel pissed off.
    It is OK for her to be pissed off
    You can love her when she is pissed off.
    Don’t manipulate her into believing she should not be pissed off.
    It is very healthy to be pissed off when our work is not acknowledged.
    Anyway, her way to speak is her own staff, you can’t FORCE people to speak the way you like.
    You could have said
    “I understand Franny, I pushed you way too far. You feel I don’t value your help when I call Ryan. Thank you for putting up with so much. I will try to hear your impatient voice and not feel bad about it. Your angry voice sounds like voices of my past and reminds me of emotional abuse, but it is my own staff, it does not come from you Franny. I know your angry voice says you are emotionally drained by what I asked you to do for me. I don’t want you to feel emotionally drained by me. I want you to be stronger for me; But I love you and accept you for the strong helping loving friend you have always been, and I will try my best to not judge you when you get pissed off and to accept you when you are pissed off. I feel scared you won’t love me any more when you are pissed off., I want you to always agree with me, but I accept I can’t change the world, I can’t make you agree with me. I hired you to help me see I am wrong, I will try to hear you when you tell me I am wrong although I feel I am right“

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:38pm

  277. 277: BellaNo Gravatar says:

    Please Help Sirens. I feel like I made a big mistake. My ex who I haven’t seen or talked to in months just asked to “friend” me on facebook. . . .I felt excited when I saw his name, and I hastily accepted before sorting through my feelings. I wrote a note when I accepted that it felt good to hear from him. He wrote me back with just a basic update on his life and how am I, and I wrote back again with feeling messages, and now he has not responded to me. I feel just like I’ve rewound my entire progress by doing this. . . .I feel ignored by him once again and sad and lonely and I feel regret that I accepted his friend request.
    What is the best way to tell him how I am feeling and that I don’t want to be his friend? I feel like an idiot right now. . . .
    Thank you.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:48pm

  278. 278: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Barb: I feel so good hearing that you feel inspired by my story.

    I had a lot of help.

    If this person is really willing to buy you a ticket and you feel comfortable with it, I would go for it.

    How are you feeling about it right now?

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 6:48pm

  279. 279: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #275 LG

    Oh no I am not taking this man’s money, no way, although I CERTAINLY do appreciate his random act of kindness to a complete Internet stranger. What a lovely man he must be, hey maybe he is a RR messenger!!!!

    I am thinking of selling up my furniture, car etc. getting what money I can together………I don’t know yet, I am REALLY REALLY scared about doing this at my age, yet I did it last year, but then I had my stuff in storage here, my car with my daughter and I had some money as a back up but that is all gone now as I was unemployed for 3 months when I came back here and my last few $3000 went into moving into this place, bond, advance rent, removals etc….and I know it’s only money and the Universe will look after you and all that, but still it is SCARY as hell but since my last few weeks and what has happened it has made me really confront my feelings about living here in Australia.

    I wrote on my ex pat blog last night that I feel every day that my soul is dying a little more, and I have been going through the motions living here ya know, putting all my energy into my new job, getting this flat nice and all that, but my heart isn’t really here at all, maybe that’s why I haven’t really done the CD thing, because what if I met an Aussie man and we got serious then that would mean I would have to live here FOR EVER…..and I don’t want to……….this is me riffing as well here, so please feel free to scroll down LOL!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:17pm

  280. 280: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Barb: I’m happy to listen to your feelings. I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable taking that man’s money. I’m just sayin tho’…sometimes help comes in unexpected ways. :-)

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 7:47pm

  281. 281: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #277 LG

    Yes I hear you, I feel the Universe is listening to me 😀

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 8:46pm

  282. 282: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    253 Daria
    Everything you wrote there is perfectly right on.

    Part of me does not want to get involved because it may be a lot of work invested. A friend of mine who i respect, just got engaged said “relationship takes a lot of work”. I have a fear that he may just turn around and fall in love with someone else and take all my energy with him.
    First of all, this may be an unfounded fear, a projection, in my imaginary mind.
    Part of me says, so what if that were to happen, why be selfish? Apparently, I am learning something major here too, and there are never any guarantees.

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:06pm

  283. 283: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    244 Thanks, Renee
    I’m really glad that book was helpful for you.

    I just don’t know if for me it is what I really need right now. It might be more stuff to think about and project and imagine. I have a masters in that already!

    I like something i heard marianne w. say about how the more stuff we put on top of the magnet, the less pull it has.

    I think my main focus really needs to be to continue to get more deeply in touch with my own authentic feelings and express those through the boundaries that come from them, using Rori tools. also I unearthed a book I have called The Power of Focusing by Ann Weiser Cornell to help me with this.

    I just have a feeling that the reason I am not walking away right now is that i still have something to learn through the interaction, and its a good field to practice Rori tools.

    I’m still going to work on CDing too

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 9:26pm

  284. 284: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @273: BarbinOz says:
    #245 Renee

    “…Why the hell would anybody send a date a pair of panties, small OR extra large????!!!
    The mind boggles………(googly eyed icon needed here!)…”

    I was wondering about that… 😳 😯 :roll:

    : oops : = 😳
    : shock : = 😯
    : roll : = :roll:


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:02pm

  285. 285: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ 276: BarbinOz says:
    …”am thinking of selling up my furniture, car etc. getting what money I can together………I don’t know yet, I am REALLY REALLY scared about doing this at my age, yet I did it…”

    No reason to wait until you are older… 😆 Be happy. It will work out. There is probably some guy there for you…looking around for you…doesn’t know you are on your way.


    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 10:19pm

  286. 286: ShellyNo Gravatar says:

    Someone help me! My new boyfriend who has been talking of marrying me! yeah Rori all your tools have been working! This man says he’s never had a connection with anyone like me! I’m so excited and falling hard. So what’s the problem??? We are different religions. He wants me to convert or no deal. He said if I was Christian (I’m Jewish) he would get the priest and marry me tomorrow. I asked what does that mean? (I wasn’t sure if he means he wants me to convert or that I’m just not Christian.) I was about to ask him when he said he feels sick and he’ll call me tomorrow? I just gapped…then he said he needed to take a shower and will call me after…ugh what do I do? I’m freaking out!!!!

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:12pm

  287. 287: ShellyNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for the heads up BarbinOz

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:17pm

  288. 288: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay!! I found a fun website to express my ghetto side! I love it!!

    it’s really hood!


    a website

    its called

    now i have another fun place on the net! people are not using rori concepts there – when it comes to cding … and it shows…

    but they are at least using the concepts of boundaries…and putting yourself first… mostly…

    I’m gonna start expressing the way I see things… and learn to say it succinctly in a way hood people can get

    I would love to be able to easily get thru to my patnas all these love ideas… so they don’t bounce off their filters

    Friday, 29 October 2010 @ 11:54pm

  289. 289: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    LITS #233
    baggagereclaim got me unhooked after 5 years. I found the power was in the Mr Unavailable book. It was lengthy and substantial. I really needed to see the game called by a neutral party , exactly as it is . It was the recognition that someone could write about my experience and intimately describe the dynamics , and my feelings,that was VERY confronting. I thought my enduring , loyal , unrequited love was special and unique dammit…!!! WRONG. I felt so angry when i read how i had been trained to roll over on command and my expectations had been “managed down” over time causing an erosion of my self care and self respect.

    I could only read bits at a time while I processed, but by the time I got to the end , including a long section about the person who engages with the emotionally unavailable one , ie me, I felt very much healed of my erstwhile addiction.

    I found that Roris work laid an excellent foundation , including feeling feelings, and owning them, and tie him on the back of the horse and ride on. And the circular dating is an excellent excellent recovery tool . I feel really well prepared for a new way of relating in the future. I feel calm and balanced , DESPITE my breast cancer.

    I am loving my breasts , and I am feeling joy and relief its low grade and I get to keep my hair , no chemo. AND I am recognising I really dont want the ex unavailable guy near me.The thought of him arriving with grapes at my bedside feels icky and wrong. I feel my stomach churning .He wrote he will “come and find me” when he gets to Sydney mid month . He discounted my fears and sadness over the cancer , just said “you are strong , you will be ok” He is so damn unavailable ! I dont want him “managing down” my expectations and walking over my feelings ever again.I want men who can talk about emotions and life and feel comfortable around me.

    My lunch date with the radiologist went really well .I felt at ease and protected. I hope he makes another date before my surgery.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:01am

  290. 290: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Rosa!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:12am

  291. 291: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    On the subject of this blog, it occurs to me that many men with girlfriends use casual dating with others as a way of remaining uncommitted , like a safety hatch .So inside they know they arent “trapped” with the girlfriend who is their number one. For this reason I would be very, very careful dating anyone with a regular GF , as he is demonstrating clearly he is unable to commit to being exclusive with her , or equally to being available for you.

    I think dating someone with a GF for me would mean I was engaging in an inherently unavailable dynamic again. I would be the fallback girl , one of a whole bunch more than likely. Its not aboutthe GF’s feelings , its about MINE. If he says hes leaving her then let me see his commitment. See if he can commit to leaving.
    Because if he cant do that he sure as s*it cant commit to staying exclusively with a woman either!
    At best he would be CD practice to learn how to spot these guys and early red flags .

    I feel triggered by those who feel a sense of “entitlement”in their GF title to keep other women off their man . Again , if he is committed to you its irrelevant and if the thought makes you feel insecure then maybe one of you is not so committed :)

    What do you all think?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:15am

  292. 292: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria , Hi.

    Do you feel interested to date men with GF’s for practice?

    I love your opinions , you spice up the flavour around here I have noticed.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:17am

  293. 293: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Jean , I’m going where you are :)

    I think maybe it would be possible to say an interim
    feeling speech if they seem keen.

    ” I feel good dating you and getting to know you better. For now i dont want to be an exclusive girlfriend because in the long term I want to be the right mans wife. It would feel good easing into that kind of relationship in stages . I dont want to rush things and suggest we keep our options open while we explore each stage. What do you think ? “

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:31am

  294. 294: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa – I don’t ever inquire about a man’s relationship with another woman. So I wouldn’t know if there are other women out there thinking they are his girlfriend…

    if there were… and say … called my phone at midnight and hung up, or texted me.. “i am johnnys gf” I would still date him…

    I might feel weird and annoyed and tell him so. depending on his response and how I felt about that.. i’d still date him or not

    I don’t believe in the title girlfriend boyfriend.

    If a man came to ME… and TOLD me I have a girlfriend

    I would tell him “get the fu*ck out of here – what the hell do you think that is gonna Impress and win me??”

    lol nah

    I would say… wow that feels really weird. I feel totally turned off… I don’t want to date a man unless I feel special and not second class. And I DON’T want to hear about other women.. EVER…

    if he managed to make me feel good after that… he must have some game



    who are living with a woman, and/or wives, that I know of…

    that theres mutual sexual attraction

    I might sexperiment if he initiates and I feel like sexperimenting

    but I don’t know that I’d feel safe…

    I might feel safe letting him go down on me, but I feel unsure of sex sex at this point… i don’t think i’d feel good


    either way I see the world as that Rori exercise

    where my man is zeroed in on me, beaming me arrows of love

    and i open

    and then add in other men, and other women into the imagining

    and continue feeling him zeroing in on me… even when other women are talking to him, etc etc… even when his back is turned


    there’s nothing in my world but me, in my Goddess place… and the men who come to worship at my Goddess altar… and if their gifts and worship feel good… they are accepted

    but I get very turned off if they were to bring another woman up… so that would NOT be accepted

    i just don’t SEE other women. they are not in my vision. All I see is Men who come to me, and how I FEEL receiving whta they offer me


    today I had to tell a guy online

    *takes bullhorn and yells* I DONT DATE MARRIED MEN

    because he keeps whining to me

    hes like… oh i could pay you 1000$ a month…

    im like… i feel confused… is this after you’re no longer married??

    then i told him … well it would feel cool if my 50 dollar phone bill was paid

    he tried to tell me tht if i agreed to date him my phone Would be paid

    ha! wow i feel amused and judgemental

    i don’t like being manipulated

    i told him people pay my stuff because im love

    hes like hope that works out for you


    all i have to do is ask one of the men that like me to pay it

    but im not really asking… becaues i dont want to reach out… id rather let what comes come to me… it feels better… and i can Be Surprised

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:01am

  295. 295: RosaNo Gravatar says:


    “i just don’t SEE other women. they are not in my vision. All I see is Men who come to me, and how I FEEL receiving whta they offer me”

    Daria rock !!!! When I read that i felt so happy , amused , smiley . I love that Goddess attitude .
    Thats what I want. I want to feel 100% Goddess and amazing and ready to be surprised by gifts of love (or money:))

    “If a man came to ME… and TOLD me I have a girlfriend
    I would tell him “get the fu*ck out of here – what the hell do you think that is gonna Impress and win me??”

    I agree totally. Like why would a Goddess need to date someone else’s left overs??


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:13am

  296. 296: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:17am

  297. 297: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe… Thanks Rosa!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:20am

  298. 298: RosaNo Gravatar says:


    Loved the vibe in that song , all heels and skirt swishing!

    This is how I am going to be loved. This Goddess awaits the man who would write me that letter.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:54am

  299. 299: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    OMG! It happened again!

    Went out on a first date with Mr. Richie who turned out to be a really great guy, He is highly involved in children’s charities – we really connected over this. Anyway, we were having this great date and he kissed me. Then we kissed for a long time, during which time he attempted to “explore the landscape”, which I interrupted by moving his hands and telling him to quit it. I wasn’t mad cuz I figured, like Daria has told me, he was just being a guy. And then it happened…he put my hand on his cock-a-doodle-do! This time I didn’t say anything and just moved my hand away. To be honest, this time I wanted to laugh. I kept thinking, “Wait until I tell the Sirens…this must be some kind of world’s record!” I must be doing something to encourage this, so I decided that the next time a guy pulls this, I’m just going to flat out ask him why. Although I think the reason varies. This time, I think he was just having some wishfull thinking. (But it was to no avail) LOL

    I love kissing so much

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:57am

  300. 300: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    One hot woman there!
    Honey I would rather consider it a compliment to your attractiveness . Time for a feeling statement

    ” I feel soooo much better..”
    (lifting your hand and his off offending organ ..)

    “when YOU hold on to ME ..”
    (placing his hand on your ? hip ? shoulder ..wherever you are comfortable)

    “and we take it long and slow getting to know each other. What do you think?”

    I tried this recently when sexperimenting with my “life force date” after my cancer diagnosis.
    He actually said ” I think you think too much” although I had said feeling statements only.
    I had no idea what to reply! Said something like “id rather feel comfortable” :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:26am

  301. 301: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Rosa — You expressed my reaction to the ebook from BaggageReclaim so much better than I did! To see the dynamics laid out without the cloak of b.s. was so enlightening! Like you, I felt my situation, my love, my relationship was unique and this man’s fears were unique — but they’re not and this book made me see that.

    Andy hooray for you w/feeling sireny and powerful despite your illness! You are doing so wonderfully with this whole situation — I only pray that if I were in your situation, I would handle it as well as you are.

    Do you think being faced with your own mortality caused a shift of some type in your perception of your life and relationships?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:41am

  302. 302: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb & SLV — Yes, the sending the panties thing was very weird in and of itself, but that was why he was sharing it — I had asked him what the strangest/funniest online date he’d ever had was and that experience was apparently the strangest one he’d ever had, lol.

    I asked him if that alone didn’t set off some red flags when she did that even prior to the date and he said he had wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, lol, but of course, he showed up and apparently she had lied quite a bit about her appearance (as well as some other significant things, according to him). I didn’t ask him if he managed to stick it out for the whole date or not — not sure if I would continue to grace someone with my presence if something similar happened to me. I mean, it seems like shaving a few years off your age is one thing — shaving 50 lbs off your weight is another. What do you think?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:48am

  303. 303: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Rosa: I have to go to work and can’t write more right now, but Rosa, I am sending you a very big hug and good vibe.
    You are an inspiration and thank you so much for sharing here.
    Between what you and Renee said, I may re-consider taking a look at that book.
    Good luck with radiologist and keep us posted!


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:28am

  304. 304: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #286 Rosa

    It feels so good to hear from you and your breasts 😀 I was just thinking of you today and how you are doing……….I like the radioligist more than I like the unavailable man………..hope you are doing good……

    Barb xx

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:35am

  305. 305: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    So many youtube links here I thought I should share with you the man I am really in love with, yay to Mr Stevie Wonder……….I blame him for my being so romantic LOL!!

    Did you know that true love asks for nothing? Her acceptance is the way we pay. Did you know that life has given love a guarantee to last through forever and another day? Just a time knew to move on since the beginning , and the season know exactly when to change. Just as kindness knows no shame, oh through all your joy and pain I’ll be lovin’ you always

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:54am

  306. 306: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #299 Renee

    I think shaving 50lbs off your weight and sending teenie weenie small panties is pushing the envelope a little too far LOL!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:04am

  307. 307: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb –

    I love Stevie Wonder too. Always have, always will

    Rosa –

    Thanks for the advice. I did something like what you said in relation to the cock-a-doodle-do.

    Men sure can get grabby once you start kissing. All of a sudden they are thinking about how to separate you from your close and start talking sex. Fortunately I have no problem saying when I don’t want something or am not ready for it.
    I just wonder if most guys do this all the time. Or maybe it’s cuz I like kissing too much and they can feel that. When I am kissing a guy that I’m attracted to, and he’s really into it, too, I am totally in the moment. I love the sensuality of it, but don’t feel the need to take things farther.

    I have too many CDs in rotation. One is out of town at a conference…I am so relieved. lol I got home after 1:00 last night and there was an email from one CD at 11:30 and I get a text at 2:00 am from another CD asking if I’d like to go to a Halloween dance party – that would be a blast if I can work out the logistics with my kids and their Halloween activities.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 9:40am

  308. 308: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @295: Rosa says:
    Loved the vibe in that song , all heels and skirt swishing!…”

    I like the words also! All about loving ourselves and making changes in the way we think and do things.

    “Runnin’ hot, runnin’ cold
    I was runnin’ into overload, it was extreme
    I took it so high, so low
    So low, there was nowhere to go, like a bad dream

    Somehow the wires uncrossed, the tables were turned
    Never knew I had such a lesson to learn

    I’m feelin’ good from my head to my shoes
    Know where I’m goin’ and I know what to do
    I tidied up my point of view
    I got a new attitude!

    I’m in control, my worries are few
    ‘Cause I’ve got love like I never knew
    I got a new attitude!

    I’m wearing a new dress, new hat
    Brand new ideas, as a matter of fact I’ve changed for good

    It must have been the cool night, new moon, slight change
    More than to figure, oh but I feel like I should, yes!

    Somehow the wires uncrossed, the tables were turned
    Never knew I had such a lesson to learn

    I’m feelin’ good from my head to my shoes
    Know where I’m goin’ and I know what to do
    I tidied up my point of view
    I got a new attitude!

    I’m in control, my worries are few
    ‘Cause I’ve got love like I never knew
    I got a new attitude!

    I got a new attitude!

    Somehow the wires uncrossed, the tables were turned
    Never knew I had such a lesson to learn

    I’m feelin’ good from my head to my shoes
    Know where I’m goin’ and I know what to do
    I tidied up my point of view
    I got a new attitude!

    I’m in control, my worries are few
    ‘Cause I’ve got love like I never knew
    I got a new attitude!

    I’m feeling good!
    From my head to my shoes!

    Everything about me has changed!

    Baby I ain’t the same
    (I got a new attitude!)…”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:15am

  309. 309: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey and others – I am wondering how/where you find so many guys that are attractive to you. I am curious about whether or not I would find the same guys to be attractive. Would you want to post some of their usernames from match or pof so I can satisfy my curiosity?

    I feel sad that the 2-3 men I like are the ones who aren’t into me.

    I feel a lil hopeless today. It seems like I’ll never get a man I actually want. :(

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:26am

  310. 310: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @299: Renee says:
    “Barb & SLV — Yes, the sending the panties thing was very weird in and of itself, but that was why he was sharing it — I had asked him what the strangest/funniest online date he’d ever had was and that experience was apparently the strangest one he’d ever had, lol…”

    It seemed strange to me too…and funny! 😆 I know you were offended by his calling the date woman “big as a house” but as I read it, it didn’t seem mean-spirited but rather a literary enhancement to the story-telling and his sense of humour. I like a man with a sense of humour and this seemed to me to be only that.

    I wonder if the woman did this panty maneuver in an attempt to instigate attraction of some kind…? 😯


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:32am

  311. 311: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:


    I’m exploring the Baggage Reclaim dot co dot UK site and it’s giving me some eye-opening info! Seems right on!


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:34am

  312. 312: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @296: Honey says:

    “…And then it happened…he put my hand on his cock-a-doodle-do! “

    No! And on the first date! Where were you when he did this? In the restaurant???

    Interesting research… 😆


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:38am

  313. 313: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @303: BarbinOz says:
    “#299 Renee
    I think shaving 50lbs off your weight and sending teenie weenie small panties is pushing the envelope a little too far LOL!”

    In my mind’s eye, it was about 100 lbs! 😆


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:41am

  314. 314: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:


    Amazing how life brings good and bad in our lives. Your radiologist seems interesting and sweet…a little forward perhaps… What do you think? Otherwise “loverly?”

    Feel well.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:43am

  315. 315: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Am I here by myself this afternoon? Well… OK… CD me…

    @302: BarbinOz says:
    “…yay to Mr Stevie Wonder……….I blame him for my being so romantic LOL!!..”

    Oh, the Stevie Wonder was so nice…I’ve not heard it in a while….Now I feel all lovey. And this is my season–Autumn! I have Great Expectations…

    Stevie Wonder — “As” (1976)


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:58am

  316. 316: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Barb — I couldn’t imagine what that woman was thinking with the panty maneuver, lol. I mean, I’ve heard of slipping your boyfriend/husband your panties when you’re at a party or something to let him know you’re “in the mood”, but I can’t imagine sending a total stranger your underwear!! Of course, the question that’s been in my mind since last night is: how did she know his address to send it to? He’s supposed to call me today, so I think I’ll ask him that :) .

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:11am

  317. 317: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:


    The no chemo news is fantastic.
    Hurray to joy and relief :)

    You go girl!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:15am

  318. 318: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    SLV 309


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:18am

  319. 319: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    SLV 307

    “”””I wonder if the woman did this panty maneuver in an attempt to instigate attraction of some kind…?


    lol lol lol

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:20am

  320. 320: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I confess, I’m the girl who did the panty maneuver.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:23am

  321. 321: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:23am

  322. 322: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:


    ha ha ha
    May be they are simply guiding you in your research? Like a thesis director?
    “here my child, a direct approach of the subject is requested, don’t beat around the bush”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:34am

  323. 323: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:


    I was thinking of you, alone in a strange land.
    I was wondering. Did you go to Australia to be closer to your son or did you arrive there together?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:47am

  324. 324: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb #276 –

    My Armenian grandfather once sent a young Armenian man back to the old country to visit his family. My grandfather was not wealthy, and met the guy at a park, but felt compassion for his homesickness. The man never even thanked my grandpa, but he was glad he sent him anyway.

    There really are some angels out there…

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 12:44pm

  325. 325: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #309 –

    Not in the restaurant! No. We were kissing in his car (very cute yellow Porsche. heehee).

    I’m starting to think I shouldn’t kiss a guy until the 2nd or 3rd date, and then maybe only a peck. I think passionate kisses send the WRONG MESSAGE! Why didn’t someone teach me this stuff when I was a girl? What are you SUPPOSED to do to send a message, “I’m attracted to you, but don’t want sex or anything close to it” Does passionate kissing on the first or second date mean a girl is hot to troll?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:05pm

  326. 326: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @317: Lucy says:
    “Okay, I confess, I’m the girl who did the panty maneuver.”

    LOL 😆

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:15pm

  327. 327: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Rori’s post reminds me of the family who hosted me in the USA, when I was a kid.
    The father, and excellent man, told me that:

    He had a work accident and spent times at the hospital.
    He lost a leg
    His girl friend would visit him every day
    There was that nurse .
    She had lost an eye but he had not noticed, she had a pretty good glass eye
    The minute she stepped in his room….he felt connected to the nurse

    Almost no other nurse was coming in his room. It was her, most of the time.
    He was suspicious she had changed the nurses planning herself to be the one in charge of him.
    He loved it, he felt his life drive busted back up.

    His energy was soon all shifted into her
    But they never said or acted about it
    She was being professional
    He was being a patient

    He told the girl friend her visits were not brightening his days any more. It could be a sign they were done.
    The girl friend stopped visiting him

    He left the hospital
    Within the month, he started a new business and came back to propose to the nurse
    They married

    The nurse was the mom of the family I was in and he was the dad. They spent the rest of their lives together.

    She giggled when he told me the story, she added:
    “I felt connected the minute I stepped in his room
    I would check the time his girl friend would visit and I would step in the room so they couldn’t be alone and I would say , “visitors time is over”
    I wanted her out of my wedding picture”

    (He is standing there, smiling, nodding his head “oh, I knew you were doing that, I was enjoying myself watching the whole thing happening”)
    She keeps telling her side of the story
    “Visitors time was obviously not over, yet he never complained.
    I felt he was my accomplice in my mischievous behavior
    The first day the girl friend did not show up I KNEW he had stepped in my wedding picture”

    They had 3 children and many grand children and great grand children and staid married until they died at the age of 86
    She died first and he followed her within 6 months.
    I spent a year with them, as an added daughter.
    I never heard her nagging, gossiping, complaining.
    I never heard him commenting her acts or personality other than to show me how good she was.
    They were so respectful and so polite, I did not hear a single fight during the whole year.
    Everybody’s needs was respected.
    I was stoned.

    They were the first adults who actually listened to me.
    I was expecting them to stand up any second and leave to get busy.
    But they never did. They actually were interested in all I had to say and they actually thought about what I said and would come up with it later.
    I felt important, I felt there was somebody inside me.

    Within the first month at their home, my monthly blood came back and depression became a forgotten word.
    They made me respectful of the respect they had for me.
    They made me curious of the curiosity they had for me.
    I respected myself, I felt myself interesting lol, really, I felt there was somebody inside me who had a value to bring to the family first, then to the school etc…. I felt useful. Before I knew it, I was giving love around as well. Depression was gone.
    I arrived as a shy little grey mouse and ended giving public speeches

    At the end of their life, Alzheimer changed Mom’s behavior.
    When the family would say ”Mom, we told you that already!”
    she would answer
    “I’ve got Alzheimer, have you forgotten?”
    He suffered a stroke and was paralyzed on the legless side of his body.
    He felt himself as a lucky man, and so did we. At least, he could still use his good leg
    But he started to use a wheel chair.
    That situation lasted a couple of years
    She would sometimes push his wheel chair out of the house and just keep going ahead of her, absent minded, shall we say.
    He was laughing saying “bye, we are going for a “walk”, God clear our path lol”
    He never got upset at it.
    He would try to talk her into taking him back, but not too heavily. At this point he was still careful that both their different needs would be met.

    Their daughter, the one who is the same age as me, the one I call my sister, she would tell me that on the phone, laughing.
    When I don’t feel too good, I go fetch the respect they put inside me, and I get back on my horse.
    Call it love, it is the same energy.

    All this to say, the girl friend probably felt Dad was a man of no word, no respect, not reliable. Probably a man she would not recommend. Her resentment against him is legitimate. Her feelings and time and energy wasted, from a second to another, with no rational explanation.

    Yet, Dad’s wife and children knew he was the most reliable man on earth.
    Me, an outsider, I know it too, I was saved by his for ever unconditional love.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:15pm

  328. 328: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    322: Honey says:
    @SLV #309
    >i>”I think passionate kisses send the WRONG MESSAGE! “

    Not as much as the “panty maneuver.” LOL But I think it does…how passionate could one be on a first date unless one was already kinda “warm?” It takes the emphasis off “getting to know you” unless it’s in the Biblical sense… doesn’t it?

    Or maybe doesn’t matter, depends on the two people and circumstance.

    Maybe more kissing on a first date if guy is long distance and there’d been a month or so of Skype-ing?

    Wondering…Let’s see what the sirens think?

    But I love the research…let’s see what happens.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:25pm

  329. 329: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum #324

    I love your posts more than anything! This time I will say you have much wisdom instead of calling you an “old soul”. LOL

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:30pm

  330. 330: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Anyone know Italian? I want to know what this means:

    Ciao e bona sera signorina


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:30pm

  331. 331: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #309 –

    Good reasoning. You know, I could just come right out and ASK him what kind of message he thinks I’m sending. I could tell him I’m doing behavioral research. I could say it with humor and definitely pull it off. Hmmmm….

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:33pm

  332. 332: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, loneplum, what an incredible story! wow just wow.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  333. 333: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy #327 –

    I think it means “Hello or goodbye (depending on context) and good evening.”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:35pm

  334. 334: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    signorina I think is “miss”

    so, “Hello and good evening, Miss.”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:36pm

  335. 335: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – it means goodbye and have a good evening lady

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:49pm

  336. 336: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im confused and feel a lil sad about this “wrong message” thing?

    what is the wrong message? i’m attracted and get turned on??

    i just might be a being that might at some point enjoy sex?

    i don’t get it

    passionate kisses feel wonderful and turn me on

    is it because of fear of being turned on??

    my guesss is its fear of not having the boundary of saying stop when i feel uncomfortable

    but i can say i feel uncomfortable at any point…

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:55pm

  337. 337: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered and angry

    who cares if he thinks shes hot to troll??

    are you? if yes… GREAT!!!

    I would be!! if it all felt right

    if not… then … stop!! and say hey… i feel uncomfortable… giggle

    the end

    he can think anything he wants… but its up to me what I do

    I think it comes down to judgements about sex

    and different men will react differently

    I personally DON’T feel turned on by a man who I am wanting More sexual agression from


    I LIKE feeling turned on by a man!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:59pm

  338. 338: Luzy*No Gravatar says:

    I feel lonely today. I have to let it out! I never admit it 😉

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:59pm

  339. 339: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feeling angry and confused what this anger is about

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 1:59pm

  340. 340: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just SAY “I’m attracted to you, but I don’t want sex or anything close to it”

    that usually gives them the message

    if not, then… i would feel mad and say that too

    I feel angry and unheard. I feel disrespected. I’m gonna leave now

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:01pm

  341. 341: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry!! (????))

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:02pm

  342. 342: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for translating.

    I love being turned on by a guy too, Daria. I wish I could find more guys who I feel turned on by.

    I can feel turned on by almost any guy if I get into a zone of “being turned on by almost any guy” — BUT —

    I much prefer guys who turn me on without me having to go into that zone.

    Where are they??????

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:03pm

  343. 343: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I know where two of them are. But they’re apparently not interested at this time.

    Where are the ones who are interested?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:06pm

  344. 344: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    327: Lucy says:
    Anyone know Italian? I want to know what this means:
    Ciao e bona sera signorina

    I’m not Italian but just looking at it: Goodbye (see you later), and good night, Miss (young lady)

    Did you ever use the Google language tool? Sometimes it’s fun.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:12pm

  345. 345: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — I didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag that it was you who did the panty maneuver, but since you admitted it :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:17pm

  346. 346: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm. This friend of a friend on fb just sent me this message:

    “Hey, you might not know this but if your ever gonna flirt with me you Have to send a message to me….just saying cutie!! lol!!! ;-)”

    I don’t know if I WANT to flirt with him!

    If I wanted to flirt with him, I probably would have by now.

    What do you think?

    Probably sounds like a dumb question.

    But I hate to pass up a chance to flirt!!!

    Brenda dubbed me, “Lead’em-On-Lucy” the night we went to that party in Wilmington.

    I don’t know what to think about this.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:18pm

  347. 347: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe Renee. :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  348. 348: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:


    I just tried the Google translator but it came out terrible! What a disappointment.

    The Ciao could be also “hello” or “salutations” like “salut!”

    I better start brushing up on languages. Maybe Lone Plum could give you a good translation.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:20pm

  349. 349: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I feel uncomfortable saying this.. cuz i have said it before several times… and I felt unheard…

    but i guess i would feel better to say it again… just in case

    When I started going out with lots of men that DIDN’T attract me… and practice Opening up to them… and finding a small thing about them that was attractive (maybe their shirt?)

    they a) started growing on me

    b) I started feeling attracted to a similar man to the original

    c) more Attractive men started popping up in my life


    so what I would do in your situation is go out with lots of not attractive men and focus on small things that may be attractive about them, while using the tools etc

    then you will find more and more men attractive (perhaps this feels scary?) and more attractive men will find you… because of the vibe

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:22pm

  350. 350: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I would say Lol and leave it at at that…

    i feel amused flattered and yet weird and kinda turned off (fem energy words… but masculine action… contacting you)

    I would feel so happy to see sirens drop the irrelevant concept of “leading men on”

    it’s very limiting to the mindset of a siren

    a Siren knows it’s impossible to lead a man on

    a Siren respects a man’s ability to approach her as much as he desires

    a Siren respects a man as a human who is in charge of his own actions and is able to make his own decisions

    a Siren receives… and tells the truth…

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:26pm

  351. 351: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    We;re supposed to STAY in that zone of being turned on by anything – it’s the Open Heart to the World Zone

    men who turn us on in a different way are just a reflection of past patterns… (which may be toxic)

    when we make New patterns… more men will turn us on naturally

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:28pm

  352. 352: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s what I think and feel about it.
    I think…hey…if he’s living with a girl…even if he’s not so into her…how’s he gonna give me all his attention.
    So I wonder even about girl room mates.
    However…I think I might wait until I found out how I felt around him.
    Cause really. It’s none of my business whats going on in a man’s life…until we share a life.

    Now to turn myself into a hypocrite….
    I emailed B.
    It felt good to just say…Jen says yer on CAP..hope you are doing well, good luck.
    But now I feel bad.
    Cause he’s not doing well.
    The course isn’t over but they’re sending him back to his home unit.
    He thanked me for the support.
    He doesn’t know what they will do with him when he gets back. I don’t know if they will even keep him in the military
    I am just working on remembering that it’s none of my business.
    None at all.
    I got’s my own shit to deal with.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:30pm

  353. 353: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Then I was feeling all like
    GEEZE…don’t tell anybody you contacted him.
    They’ll all be mad
    Now I’m coming round to the idea that …. ya know what?!?!?!?!
    I’m a siren.
    I CAN contact any man I want…for any reason I see fit.
    I can email B and not let him in my life.
    I can have those behaviors that feel good to me (wishing him luck on what I know is a difficult course) cause I FEEL like doing it…and not listen to those people who tell me I should have no contact with him.
    He’s on the damned horse…I can turn around and talk to him If I like
    I feel all rebellious.
    I feel like………HEY yer not the boss of me.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:37pm

  354. 354: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts even though you felt uncomfortable doing so.

    I think I have said this on here before —

    I have done exactly what you describe — a lot.

    That’s part of what I’m talking about with the zone thing — I can get an attracted feeling by going into that zone with a guy, but I have found that it does not translate into a lasting, good-feeling connection of REALLY being attracted and into that person over the long haul.

    My ex-h is a good example of this. I was not really attracted to him when we met, but he seemed like a good guy, and I was ready to get married and have babies, so I put myself in that zone and allowed an attraction to “grow” (kind of talked myself into it, like you described with the shirt example).

    However, when difficulties start coming up in a relationship, you realize you’re not all that attracted to the person anyway, and it makes it harder to work through stuff. For me, I have found that to be the case — not just with him, but with other men. The attraction is part of what makes you want to hang in there and work out the problems… it is a motivating force. If it’s not a visceral attraction in the first place, it kind of disappears when things aren’t going great.

    That’s what I have found anyway.

    What do you think?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:39pm

  355. 355: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    I get what you’re saying about the “wrong message” thing. However, I see an additional way to look at this. Kissing, affection, etc. can also be viewed as a form of nonverbal communication. When I am trying to communicate with someone, whether verbally or nonverbally or whatever, it is appropriate to think about how that message is received. Many of my autistic clients have difficulty thinking this way. They know what they mean and think and don’t consider how the information is received or understood by the communication partner. It is not all up to the receiver to understand the communication. The communicator, if they want to communicate well, must be cognizant of how the receiver interprets what is said. If I say one thing with my words, but express something different with my body, that could be confusing to my communication partner and perceived at mixed messages. So what I’m trying to establish here is how is kissing in certain ways is LIKELY to be interpreted by most guys. That doesn’t mean I cannot do it. It just means that I need to be clear in my communication, especially in areas that are likely to be misunderstood, and perhaps deal with a potential area of misunderstanding in a proactive rather than reactive way. Being proactive can help me relax and enjoy the situation I’m in without having to establish a boundary AFTER something has occurred that I do not like.

    I’m tired and rambling. I hope what I’m thinking here makes sense.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:47pm

  356. 356: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    I have found the same thing. I can “let” myself be attracted to someone, and am experimenting with that in CDing. But is does not feel the same as it did with Hunky Man, where I almost felt a “buzz” all the time. I like that feeling where I want to be with him all the time.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:50pm

  357. 357: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Just saw your next post…

    “men who turn us on in a different way are just a reflection of past patterns… (which may be toxic)

    when we make New patterns… more men will turn us on naturally”

    Right, that’s what I thought should happen, but it didn’t. For me. Your mileage may vary, as SLV would say.

    I didn’t really have a past pattern of attraction — I always dated different types of guys and was open to attraction growing, ever since I was young. I found that I was fooling myself (and them) by thinking it would happen that way. But I gave it another try over the past year — using Rori’s tools and ideas — and found it was still the case.

    It’s more like, my PAST pattern is: being open to all men growing on me.

    And my NEW pattern is: hold out for the one who you are really attracted to from the get-go. That would feel great! Much better than what I have done in the past!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:52pm

  358. 358: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — Yes — “I like that feeling where I want to be with him all the time.”

    Me too.

    I feel turned-on just looking at pictures of WH.

    I don’t want to be with a man that I don’t feel that with.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:56pm

  359. 359: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    That makes total sense. My past pattern is not so much is which type of guy I pick, as it is in WHAT I do after i find the guy I want.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:57pm

  360. 360: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey, with the guy you kissed so passionately last night — was he one you “let” yourself feel attracted to, or the other kind? Just curious.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 2:58pm

  361. 361: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – what i see as one of your patterns is being attracted to interesting men who are not stepping up towards you

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:01pm

  362. 362: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I’m thinking now — maybe that whole concept you described applies to women who HAVE had patterns of attraction that were “off” and need to rewire that. And some women haven’t had that particular issue, so it doesn’t apply to them….

    Just like all the over-functioning stuff — some women never HAD a pattern of over-functioning in relationships, so they (unlike me 😉 ) don’t need to rewire THAT part.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:04pm

  363. 363: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Lucy – what i see as one of your patterns is being attracted to interesting men who are not stepping up towards you”

    Thanks, Daria. Yes, that is happening now. However, it never happened in the past (before my marriage).

    Also, I was first strongly attracted to them when they WERE stepping toward me. Then they stopped, but the attraction stayed.

    So it’s not that I am attracted to men who never stepped toward me at all.


    I appreciate you looking at this with me.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:08pm

  364. 364: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Gotta go for now. Thanks again! <3

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  365. 365: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:


    “…I get what you’re saying about the “wrong message” thing…”

    Hi Honey, I was interpreting “wrong” as meaning NOT the message you intend to send as opposed to “wrong” simply meaning “bad” and you should never send it.

    Hmmm, does this make sense? In learning about this dating business I’ve noted people arrange meetings for all sorts of reasons and relationships. Maybe it doesn’t always matter but while I’m getting started (or make that “re-started”) I’d like to be clear with a stranger what the initial expectations are.

    Everything is subject to change of course…


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:24pm

  366. 366: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:


    I guess I missed this part, kind of fine print. This is what I meant.

    <i?"So what I’m trying to establish here is how is kissing in certain ways is LIKELY to be interpreted by most guys. That doesn’t mean I cannot do it."


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:28pm

  367. 367: LuzyNo Gravatar says:

    How can someone circular date without online dating?
    I went out today smile at guys but none of them approached me. Guys now days are not as daring.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:41pm

  368. 368: PassionatelyPiscesNo Gravatar says:

    #636 (in last thread) SeniorLadyVibe writes:

    @605: PassionatelyPisces says:
    “…I still carry around a lot of shame about it and avoid meeting people because I absolutely dread being asked, “So what do you do?” or “Where do you work?” I’ve always been a very hard worker and this has really turned my world upside down….

    I check out the online dating stuff and it seems like a lot of men in my age group want a woman who is independent and “financially secure.” It’s really discouraging. I’m not saying ALL men want that, it’s just that I don’t even know how to deal with it…

    In some ways I feel like it’s none of their business unless I’m sure I want to get to know them a lot better…BUT what you do and/or where you work are pretty general questions—and it would seem odd for me not to want to answer them. (I would find it odd or think it was a ‘red flag’ if it were the other way around, ya know?) …”
    For the record, you ARE independent and you ARE “financially secure.” I don’t receive disability benefits but I live on a small income. I don’t feel bad about it at all! I don’t feel a need to define, to strange men, what that means to the penny. And in terms of world population I am probably one of the rich ones!

    Think about it…Would you feel bad if your family was above working class and could afford to have a trust fund for you? And you didn’t have to work for a living? If you spent your time doing what you wanted to do…what was it?… meditate (japa) …yoga and pilates every day…swim…eat well…color my hair and take great care of my skin (one of my ‘best’ features).

    What else do you like to do? Do you collect art? Make art? Rescue animals? Charities (volunteer work?) Politics? Write poetry? Attend university classes? Study medieval architecture? Write screenplays? Perform with theatrical group? These are your interests –”your career”…

    And that’s what you tell people because it’s the truth. Working class is highly overrated, yecch!

    So, to repeat and get this in your mind:

    If you were from a slightly aristocratic family (with a reversal of fortune) that had just managed to leave you a teeny, tiny trust fund, would you consider stretching it way out and living on it? Making family money your annual income so that you could live a life style doing what you want to do instead of being a drudge in some mundane job that soaked up all your time? I would! That’s how I live.

    That’s basically how you live too…isn’t it?

    The exact description and contents of your personal income/investment portfolio is none of anyone’s business certainly not some man you just met!

    You are a “rich woman” living on a small income… That’s how you look, right? Rich! And how your home looks, even though it might be a 150 square foot space. You have the time to make things that way…


    The guys you meet should be impressed with you and your lifestyle not the other way around! Hanging one’s head is something one chooses… dont!

    What is amazing is I find people who are overly concerned about becoming poor, ending up poor, whether or not someone else is poor, are often frightened mediocre people who maybe wear polyester clothes, live in ticky tacky housing with plastic flowers, eat low quality food, haven’t read a book in ten years etc. Again…yecch

    You’re better than that, aren’t you? If not, make it happen.

    PassionatelyPisces says:
    “Loneplum (#469) tells you to “feel sireny” about it. That’s the last thing I feel.

    If your thoughts and feelings are the real difficulty, change those. Get a new attitude…


    Thank you so much SLV! I wasn’t sure how long people will read/post on the last thread so I copied and pasted your reply to me here…

    I know you are right and I practice these things in my head constantly—but I’m kind of a wimp, sometimes, and need to hear things directly in order to feel OK about it. Like I needed to know I wouldn’t be judged here and that I can feel accepted and fit in after you knew the real truth about my situation.

    I had to chuckle about the polyester pants—because I do know people that live like that and don’t realize how much they’re missing out on in life. (Not because they work—but because they can’t/don’t want to see past the end of their noses.)

    And yes, I do have a nice looking house full of REAL plants (rented, but still) and a decent car, etc. I am thankful and ever so grateful every day for everything I have in my life. I am SO blessed in so many ways. Finding out about Rori and this blog is a special blessing, that’s for sure.

    LG: You’ve mentioned Abraham a few times. I have ‘Ask And It Will Be Given’ and I have the pages marked and paperclipped and highlighted. I use the ‘processes’ often. Sometimes I get so down I think I can’t—but there’s a process for that! :) Of all the books, etc. out there about manifesting and abundance and “The Secret”, etc. I think AAIWBG is the most practical, how-to tool that I’ve come across.

    One of the best things I’ve learned from it is the idea that we can only start WHERE WE ARE AT. So the only thing we can do is to recognize how we feel and reach for that better-feeling thought. It only has to be a teensy bit better-feeling—-not a complete turnaround. And then baby-step from that… So simple, but it works every time :)

    Somebody mentioned the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’—I LOVE that show! It’s so funny—and yes, it points out a lot of things that Rori teaches. It’s oftentimes easier to learn something and accept the facts when we can laugh about it—laugh at ourselves! :) Even though Barney is such a player and apparently “doesn’t do” relationship—he’s my favorite character on the show just because he’s so funny.

    Brenda, I hope you got my e-mails. I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

    Ugh…I’m getting a migraine. I’m in that weird stage of life—peri-menopause. I haven’t had a real period since May but I still get symptoms every month and spot every once in awhile. It’s just as my doctor described it when I asked her about what to expect: She said it would be “just enough to be annoying.” That’s exactly what it is, too! :(

    I’m going to go lay down. I’ve had kids here since Wednesday (I love my granddaughters so much, but they wear me out.) Now that I have some quiet time, I’m going to use it wisely.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:43pm

  369. 369: TraceyNo Gravatar says:

    Im new to this site and finding it very interesting and useful !!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 3:55pm

  370. 370: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Pisces! I’m the one who mentioned the show. Marshall has been my favorite — and I feel strangely attracted to him! — but Ted is really starting to grow on me — he’s a cutie. Did you see the halloween episode about the “slutty pumpkin”? I saw it last night — and thought about it tonight during my walk…. I feel like Ted, waiting for the right One to arrive — and he keeps getting these good starts that don’t work out, like me. I know it’s fiction, but I feel a lil hopeful knowing that Ted DOES eventually find and marry his dream girl.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:02pm

  371. 371: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    I initially did not feel that much chemistry with the guy last night. But I was very interested in getting to know him. He is involved in a few different philanthropies which made him interesting to me, because I’m looking for someone with similar core values. Also, he is very bright and direct about the fact that marriage and family are very important to him. His daughter called while we were at dinner, and the way he spoke to her made me think, “Wow. This is a step kinda guy.” I didn’t feel any chemistry until he actually kissed me, then, whoa…

    Still, I don’t feel that “connection” with him that I would like to feel. But I will be open to it. When I have felt that connection before, it has usually been with someone I have gotten to know through email and on the phone. I already feel emotional connection before we meet, so things fall into place. I’m not sure what will happen now. I’m just trying to be open to surprises.

    Wow! This is my rambling way of saying, “Yes, this is one of the guys I ‘let’ myself be attracted to.”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:05pm

  372. 372: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Ya know what totally sucks. When you THINK you finally find your Dream Guy, and he turns out to be a nightmare. I’m up there riding the fantasy train with Renee…I’m waiting for fairy dust and fireworks. And if it doesn’t happen the way I want, I try to FORCE it to happen…and we all know how THAT ends up. Sure am glad I found this site. I like Christian Carter’s stuff, too.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:08pm

  373. 373: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding leading on —

    “a Siren receives… and tells the truth…”

    Part of “telling the truth” is not just verbal, but in our actions….

    What I am coming to understand as “leading him on” = being truthful with words, while behaving as if I am more interested than I am (that is, NOT telling the truth with my actions, my non-verbal responses to him)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:10pm

  374. 374: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    OK, so I’m going dancing with this great guy. He’s teaching me to dance and is such a gentleman (although he tried the old hand on the cock-a-doodle-do trick, too.) He was one without the initial “zing”, but I’m staying open to him cuz he’s such a totally great guy and one that would step up if was feelin’ it. And I do feel true friendship for him, and some attraction on a physical level as well. We went out last Spring, and reconnected recently and have been having a great time. But, OMG he totally cannot kiss! And I feel so shallow saying this. Yet it is important to me. I am a great kisser and I want someone who can match me. He makes me want to scream, “Can you loosen up and work with me here?!”

    What is my deal. Either I’ve got a guy who’s a great kisser but is all over me. Or he can’t kiss at all. I can hear Daria saying, “Take the passionate guy! He’s just being a man. Just use your feelings statements and have clear boundaries.”

    Still, I’m wondering how important this is in the long run.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:19pm

  375. 375: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @364: PassionatelyPisces says:

    “…Somebody mentioned the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’—I LOVE that show! It’s so funny—and yes, it points out a lot of things that Rori teaches…”

    Oh, I had no idea! I haven’t been watching much television these days and I’ve never seen that show. I’ll tune in.

    SLV@364: PassionatelyPisces says:

    “…Somebody mentioned the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’—I LOVE that show! It’s so funny—and yes, it points out a lot of things that Rori teaches…”

    Oh, I had no idea! I haven’t been watching much television these days and I’ve never seen that show. I’ll tune in.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:19pm

  376. 376: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I’ll watch it twice! 😆

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:20pm

  377. 377: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Something to keep in mind is that some the best guys, the gems, may not make the greatest first impressions.
    As someone who has been and can still be shy and feeling awkward around people I don’t know, I can imagine that I may not have made the greatest first impression either.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:23pm

  378. 378: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy 368 –

    Exactly. That’s what I’m getting at. I want to be honest at all times in all areas of my life. I don’t want to lead anybody on. So how do you know the “code” to what different non-verbal cues mean regarding kissing and affection? I would not kiss a guy I wasn’t planning to see again. For me personally, that’s like lying with my body. How do people figure all this out?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:24pm

  379. 379: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – How important what is in the long run?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:25pm

  380. 380: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – there is no code, or lying with our body

    we always want to be open with our body/heart, and use our Words to state our boundaries

    also, we can step back… physically and figuratively from what doesn’t feel good

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:25pm

  381. 381: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – i would feel awkward.. but its something to talk about

    i feel so awkward bringing this up, because i feel so good with you… and yet… i feel like i want to work a little bit on our kissing to see if it could feel better… sometimes it feels a lil bit unmatched… id like to practice so it can feel even better for me and both of us.. what do you think?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:27pm

  382. 382: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @369: Honey says:

    “…But, OMG he totally cannot kiss! And I feel so shallow saying this. Yet it is important to me. I am a great kisser and I want someone who can match me. He makes me want to scream, “Can you loosen up and work with me here?!” …

    I’m beginning to think you obviously have some fantastic kissing techniques! Do you have tutorials for the rest of us? Really. 😀


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  383. 383: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m wondering if my guy that can’t kiss is just holding back on purpose. Some guys really are connected emotionally and physically. He lost a GF to cancer. They had 6 amazing months together and clicked from day 1. Six months in, she found out about the cancer. She called him crying and wanted to know if he was going to leave her. He didn’t. They had 6 more good months, then she started getting sick. He moved her into his house and took care of her until she died. That was 5 years ago and he still misses her. He is a good man – most would have bailed.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  384. 384: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – it’s impossible to behave more interested than you are

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:29pm

  385. 385: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque #374

    How important is being able to kiss well?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:30pm

  386. 386: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I see. Well it seems very important to you. A touchy subject to bring up though. I would suggest suggestion in the demonstration. He will get it, or he won’t.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:32pm

  387. 387: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    do orgasms burn calories? well, I guess they do but how much of orgasming can be used as part of a fitness regimen….I’m feeling a little lazy….. is masturbation an excercise???

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:32pm

  388. 388: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    as a Siren, we don’t behave a certain way around certain men

    we alwasy do our best to be OPEN with all men…

    that means 100% interest, with all men

    it also means 100% honesty… as in… if something feels yucky, we say so… if we feel turned off we say so

    while when things don’t feel bad… we are 100% behaving open with all of them

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:33pm

  389. 389: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My date’s babysitter flaked (after having to reschedule from yesterday)

    so he’s coming to meet me now with his kids


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:34pm

  390. 390: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    Yes, that would feel a bit uncomfortable to discuss. He is a great lead on the dance floor. I want him to be able to lead in kissing, too. There might be a way to bring this up using the analogy…perhaps the opportunity will present itself tomorrow. I love dancing with him…we have such a great time! In his email to me, when he asked me to go dancing, he wrote, “I miss you.” Awwww…he’s such a good guy. I wish I would fall in love with him, but I have not control over that.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:35pm

  391. 391: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    ugh…Honey…for me kissing is EVERYTHING my guy has been having a dental work for WEEKS and we aren’t kissing :( I feel so disconnected from him now…. I feel worried to…. we LOVED kissing each other and now it’s like we are roomates….. with some coc* in between :(

    I am majorly turned on by kissing- majorly and I just don’t feel as turned on :(

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:35pm

  392. 392: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque –

    That makes sense. Hey, I just thought of something…I am a behavioral therapist. I could probably shape his kissing behavior to some extent.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:37pm

  393. 393: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #320 Loneplum

    I emigrated to Australia with my now ex husband and our kids when they were young, as you see my son has gone back, he may only stay for a few months or he may never come back, who knows. I have my daugher (divorced but now engaged to a good man) and her 2 girls living about an hour away from me. I have seen them about 4 times since I moved to Sydney in July, they have homework, school, jobs etc. and the kids go to their dad every other weekend. My daughter is 38 so it’s not like she is a baby but I feel so damn guilty for wanting to live in England again, but my heart is just not here in Australia. If you saw me out and about you wouldn’t know this as I try my hardest to not let anybody know, but I cannot help my FEELINGS can I?

    I have a big family in England and there is nobody else but us here……….I was so gung ho and full of adventure when we came here back in 1981 but you know when you are young you don’t think of how it will be as you get older………emigrating is fine and wonderful for lots of people but not for everybody.

    I am starting a savings plan, to stop buying pretty things for this flat, I was going to start on the garden next but am putting that on hold and starting from tomorrow I am getting rid of my biggest expense of all (well except for rent) and that is CIGARETTES!! And maybe this is just a phase made more intense by the happenings of the past fortnight, but thats OK, because I will be healthier and richer :) So I am just going to take my time and not go charging off like I normally do……..less DOING and more BEING.

    I have been trying to supress all this by reading The Power Of Now and all that stuff, and live in the moment, blah blah, but it is important to me where I LIVE in the now…………

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:39pm

  394. 394: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita –

    It totally turns me on too. I had another big O just kissing and holding last night. OMG! I can’t believe I am admitting to that. I think he suspected but I didn’t own it. Not ready to. It’s just such a turn on to feel that chemistry and kiss without doing too much else. I LOVE that connection. Yet i could have sex and not climax, cuz I feel pressured to and to get him off. With kissing, there is only the sensuality of the moment with no expectation…and that’s really sexy to me.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:41pm

  395. 395: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “do orgasms burn calories? well, I guess they do but how much of orgasming can be used as part of a fitness regimen….I’m feeling a little lazy….. is masturbation an excercise???”

    You so crack me up Nikita. The answer is yes to the calories burned, how much depends on how vigorous. Masturbation? Unless you do it while running around the room, probably no. As an exercise regimen? Hey why not. That would be a fun job.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:42pm

  396. 396: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – yes you probably could.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:43pm

  397. 397: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #321 Honey

    Aww that was so nice of your grandfather :)

    I have a little plaque on my “love” wall ( :) ) that says


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:43pm

  398. 398: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    jealous of Honey’s orgasming abilities…

    I get turned on majorly by kissing… but haven’t orgasmed from it yet! esp not a Big one! hhee

    yay ! I want to do this hehe!!

    I am learning mucho here

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:47pm

  399. 399: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #324 Loneplum

    That was so beautiful a True Love Story, thank you for sharing.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:48pm

  400. 400: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb in Oz – I would so love for you to move back to England where your heart calls you!!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 4:49pm

  401. 401: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb in Oz –

    You had a guy offer to send you back to England, right? Is there no way you can look into that? He could be a freak, but he could be totally legitimate like my grandpa.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:00pm

  402. 402: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been when NOT having sex. It’s all the other stuff and then tension building from NOT doing it.

    I feel embarrassed saying that.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:02pm

  403. 403: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    OK, no more sex talk for me…not while I’m in celebate mode…I need to think about algebra or something neutral. I need to study now anyway. *sigh*

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:03pm

  404. 404: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — “I would not kiss a guy I wasn’t planning to see again. For me personally, that’s like lying with my body.”

    WH kissed me very passionately and intensely when he knew he wasn’t planning to see me again. :(

    On the one hand, I feel bad about that because it seems a little like a “lie.” On the other hand, it felt amazing and I am glad to have experienced that with him. And, I wish I had prolonged the kissing (I would have if I had known I would never see him again).

    When I told my guy friends about it, though, they were surprised that he would kiss me like that if he didn’t want to see me again. To them, when they kiss a girl that passionately after a date it means, “I’m into you and I want to see you again and I hope you feel the same way.”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:07pm

  405. 405: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    X times X = S E X lol

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:07pm

  406. 406: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    And then there’s me, having sex with a guy I’m not attracted to. Lying with my body.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:08pm

  407. 407: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    A woman doesn’t plan, or not plan on seeing a man again… she just accepts or vetoes his plan

    if she feels upset… then she may decide not to see him…

    in that case she probably would feel repulsed by him or certainly not feeling open to kissing him

    and that’s something that can be expressed as well

    if i don’t want to see a guy again… it’s cuz i feel repulsed or else angry

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:09pm

  408. 408: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow i give up…

    i’ll just live my carefree open hearted love life and let others enjoy their guilt and limitations

    i feel frustrated

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:11pm

  409. 409: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey, the guy I sometimes have sex with (#401), is a terrible kisser. He has gotten a little bit better though — I think he’s learning from me hehe. :)

    BUT — Omg, WH is the best kisser ever — and to me, it feels pretty important.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:13pm

  410. 410: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol@ lying wiht my body

    this concept is ridiculous to me haha

    i feel so frustrated… disollve into the nothingness you are “lying with my body” concept!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:13pm

  411. 411: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oops i reached for the phone with my hand… i must be lying with mybody cuz i don’t intend to make a call lol


    i wore revelaing clothes! i must be lying with my body cuz i don’t intend to have sex!!

    i had sex with a man cuz i wanted to !! i must be lying with my body cuz i dont intend to marry him!!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:15pm

  412. 412: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, what if WE are also living carefree open hearted love lives without guilt and limitations — and it just looks different from the way you do it?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:15pm

  413. 413: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Your examples are nothing like what we are talking about.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:16pm

  414. 414: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Lucy – it’s impossible to behave more interested than you are.”

    Not for me. :) I apparently don’t have that limitation.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:22pm

  415. 415: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi! Just checking in. I had a really productive day doing laundry, shopping, and doing housework. I am exhausted and going to bed early. I love you all!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:53pm

  416. 416: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    yay! thank you for sharing the story :) I believe this!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:53pm

  417. 417: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #218 – Thank you for the link to the schizophrenia website! Here’s one for you: schizophrenia defeated dot com! I will look at it more when I am more rested.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:57pm

  418. 418: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    #396- Honey, Barb

    He could be her prince. He could be a philanthropist. He could be the (stranger) angel…..that waits to be entertained * instead of feared;)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 5:58pm

  419. 419: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    *pout! I am being serious 😳
    Do orgasms improve muscle tone?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:01pm

  420. 420: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, yes. :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:03pm

  421. 421: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @409: Lucy says:
    “Lucy – it’s impossible to behave more interested than you are.”

    Not for me. I apparently don’t have that limitation.

    It’s not only POSSIBLE for someone to behave more interested than he/she is, it’s frequently encountered unless one associates with only very transparent people.

    Much social behavior is predicated on this sort of behaviour usually without tragic results. Sometimes it’s just being polite. So, it’s commonplace and apt to drift onto the dating scene.

    And come to think about it, isn’t it the “player’s” stock in trade?


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:04pm

  422. 422: NikitaNo Gravatar says:–orgasm-this-new-book-can-help

    orgasm diet LOL!

    I wonder……since I stopped smoking my libido has changed….. is nicotine an aphrodisiac? doubt it- My orgasms get stronger when I stop smoking…(thinking)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:05pm

  423. 423: NikitaNo Gravatar says:



    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:06pm

  424. 424: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #231 – You said, “Brenda – to me this behavior feels terrible to witness, not so much because i’m concerned about Ryan… but about you”

    Thank you very much for your feedback. It helps me be more objective about myself. When I wrote my feeling messages to Ryan last week or so you didn’t seem so upset. What made the difference? Hearing Franny’s perspective? I mean, I contacted him those two days in a row, which I wrote in full here, and then I haven’t contacted him since he said we can start talking again (it’s been 1.5 wks now since then).

    BTW, I talked with Franny on the phone tonight and we made up. She said my convo with Ryan pissed her off cuz he has made it clear he needs space in the past. I gave her the analogy of how both she and I are overeaters. Even tho we know it isn’t healthy, gives us health problems, makes us look worse, we still eat. Knowing those things doesn’t stop us. Because the core problem isn’t physical: it’s emotional. I explained how in the same way my issues with contacting Ryan are emotional, and that I am working hard to stop it. And the truth is I’ve come lightyears in the past year from how obsessively I used to contact him. It feels embarrassing. But I know I am making baby steps. And I am far more under control now. Being on this blog helps a lot, and all you ladies.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:06pm

  425. 425: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #413 Nikita

    I wrote back last night and thanked him for his very generous kind offer but didn’t feel I could take him up on it. It’s not like I am destitute and homeless and jobless you know, I do have the means to get my airfare by selling up. Actually this is the email I sent:

    “Hi Ray

    Thank you SO MUCH for your kind, kind offer, you have really touched me, I don’t think for one minute you are a nutter or a weirdo.

    And whilst I won’t take you up on your offer you have made me realise that there are GOOD, KIND, DECENT men out there……….this is the kindest thing that ANYBODY and I mean that, has ever offered to do for me.

    I plan on saving the money myself to get over there, it will probably take some time and I do need to have some kind of plan…………..I don’t just want to arrive with nothing to my name and rely on the charity of my family if you understand me.

    I am feeling overwhelmed tonight that a stranger has offered me the money to buy a ticket to England, your kindness and your generosity of spirit is a gift that will remain in my heart forever.

    Take care Ray you are truly a good man.

    Kindest regards and thoughts
    Barb xxx”

    I TRULY do think he was a messenger and has been another reminder to me (just like my sisters husband who just died) that THERE are good kind men out there, they are not all toxic or a$$holes, maybe I am moving into a higher vibrational level. 😀

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:07pm

  426. 426: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Wha??????? caffeine could interfere with orgasm?????

    is this true??????


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:07pm

  427. 427: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, really. My gyn oncologist and I have talked about this subject quite a bit.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:07pm

  428. 428: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #239 – Wow! You really HAVE come a long way!

    Tough times never last! Tough people do!


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:09pm

  429. 429: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I will have to catch up on the rest of the blog later. I am exhausted and need to lay down.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:10pm

  430. 430: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Damn my stars are good today!!!

    “Even if you’ve never believed in fate, you’re about to become aware of its existence. Circumstances that are supposedly beyond your control will put you in touch with someone you wouldn’t have met if you hadn’t been diverted — so don’t be mad if you lock the keys in the car.”


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:11pm

  431. 431: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    That was in answer to you, Nikita, your question about orgasms. (Yes, really. My gyn oncologist and I have talked about this subject quite a bit.)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:13pm

  432. 432: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    Yes, that IS what players do. And I don’t want to be a player on any level. I’m honestly not all that interested in CDing just for practice, either, if the guy is really looking for something serious. If he is just out to have a fun outing with a woman that he is attracted to, then ok. I know this is not what RR suggests, and I’m not advocating my approach for anyone else.

    I want to only go out with men I am truly interested in getting to know. After a time, if I’ve ruled them out for the long haul, I will either cut them loose or let them know so they can make an informed decision for their own life where I am concerned. I DO live a very transparent life and have a high level of empathy, so I cannot see doing otherwise for myself given my emotional makeup. I’m cool with whatever anyone else does, though, and it really helps me to see things from different perspectives, whether that is something I choose for my life or not. I’m letting in the wisdom that feels right for me and leaving the rest alone.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:16pm

  433. 433: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    What??? Caffeine interferes with orgasms? Whoa…I drink a pot of coffee a day and am totally addicted. What’s going to happen if I quit coffee someday? If I can have an O from kissing now, will I be able to quit coffee and have Os spontaneously while doing things like, say, brushing my teeth? As soon as I’m done with these post grad courses I am SO off coffee! LOL

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:22pm

  434. 434: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I did say I felt gross reading them. I didn’t feel upset because…

    you had gone 18 days without contacting him, and I figured you were just throwing yourself off your bridge momentarily to check if the water’s still cold

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:25pm

  435. 435: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    players… *mumbles to self* and goes back to practicing Rori tools

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:26pm

  436. 436: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    This friend from college and I are flirting up a storm on facebook.

    He’s the one I was writing about last night who was going to a very cool halloween party, and said he Would say “come along” if I lived closer.

    I haven’t seen him in about 25 years. We’ve been fb friends for over a year — but he was married until about eight months ago, so it was purely friendship… and I was also fb friends with his wife, who I also knew in college. I was shocked and sad when he told me they were divorcing. I also kind of distanced myself from him on fb at that time bc I didn’t want to take sides at all btwn the two of them — and I also felt weird bc he said he had cheated on her.

    Interestingly, though, their story fits with the convo here tonight. I had forgotten about that!! He told me the story several months ago. She had stopped wanting sex with him, gradually having it less and less until stopping completely. He is a psychologist, and wanted them to work through it, get help, etc. But she said the problem was that she never really was physically attracted to him to begin with. Ever. She thought it wouldn’t matter, that maybe it would grow, and she loved him enough to marry him. And she got in that zone enough to find him physically attractive enough to have sex with sometimes, for awhile. But she just couldn’t do it any more. And she realized she should have been more honest with herself about it to begin with and not married him.

    So, after sex had stopped completely for quite awhile, he ended up cheating on her. And then she decided that if HE could do that, she could also find someone that she DID feel attracted to and sleep with him, which she did. And she ended up leaving her husband for this man she felt physically attracted to, which she had never felt in her marriage.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:33pm

  437. 437: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @427: Honey says:

    “SLV –
    Yes, that IS what players do. And I don’t want to be a player on any level.”

    I wasn’t suggesting that you are a player or should be one or that all “acting a little more interested” is meant to be deceitful or manipulative.

    Sometimes it’s just being pleasant when you’d really like to go home before the concert ends…

    And most people don’t blurt out the first thing that pops into their heads…well…some do. Most people are behave in a way that is sociable and kind without meaning to hurt anyone. This is what I was referring to. This is what goes on everyday without calamity. On the other hand, manipulative deceitful behaviour at the other end of the spectrum isn’t something I’m advising; it, or course, does exist and there’s no denying it as an impossibility.

    Has anyone here not experienced it? It is indeed possible.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:36pm

  438. 438: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey and Nikita — coffee is tricky.

    It has estrogenic properties that in some women can RAISE their estrogen levels and in some women LOWERS their estrogen levels.

    So, Honey, it’s possible that all that coffee you drink is CREATING the conditions for your awesome orgasms.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:37pm

  439. 439: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Before my cancer surgery, my estrogen was so high that I DID have orgasms spontaneously, like out shopping at Wal-mart. It was pretty cool.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:39pm

  440. 440: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel sad… i feel sad that Rori’s tools don’t magically blind people thru their belief ssystmes like

    AAAAHHHHH the sky opening up

    i feel misunderstood and sad when people don’t see the magic and power in the tools

    i feel hanging head

    i feel frustrated… and annoyed

    i feel drained reading posts about not using rori tools


    i feel angry

    i feel annoyed that i look on the side bar comments and am triggered to feel turned off and drained

    i feel disapointed

    i feel sad and tired

    i feel mad at you for drainin me blog! i feel blamy at you



    i feel mad at you

    o feel crumpled and apthetic

    i love my crumpleness and apathy

    and that feels like

    hm smile

    i love my hm smile

    and that feels like

    tingly tongue

    i love my tingly tongue

    and that feels like


    i love my yawn

    and that feels like

    tingly shoulders

    i love my tingly shoulders

    and that feels like


    i feel so angry at the beliefs that keep women from seeing that they’re Goddesses! from seeing that every moment they spend with a man is a gift! from feeling like they are a gift in the world and directing energy on thtemselves

    i feel afraid of being dragged down by these beliefs too

    i love my feelings

    i love my fears

    i love my sadness

    and taht feels like

    hmmmm smile

    i love my smile

    i love my hmmm

    i love my anger

    i love my yawn

    i love my tongue tingling

    i love my chest tightening and my nose tightening

    i love my yawning

    i feel sooo sinking tummy and disappointment that Barb isn’t accepting that man’s offer to help her

    i feel so sad and misunderstood

    im practicing opening and receiving from men

    practicing not being a cactus

    i feel crumpled

    i feel small and alone

    i want Rori to write another damn article

    i don’t wan to feel drained
    im feeling angry



    ok back to focus on me


    ok focusing on me feels good

    i feel terrible seeing people what looks like to me blinded from receiving and by their beliefs and

    i DON’T want to feel that way

    i want to feel inspired, empowered, yummy!! I want to feel uplifted and filled with lovely energy

    tha twould feel like smiling….

    liek body tingling freely from head to toe

    like open heart

    like relaxation

    like joy and giggling


    i love my feelings


    im feeling a lil bit better yay

    i still feel angry and i LOVEEE my anger

    yum my beautiful anger

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:41pm

  441. 441: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    :roll: spill it 😀

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:42pm

  442. 442: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, spill it? You mean I DID spill it, or is there something else you want me to spill? :) Lol.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:45pm

  443. 443: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oops did i forget to add

    “it’s impossible to behave more interested than you are – while verbally expressing your deepest honest feelings at the same time”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:45pm

  444. 444: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel bad that you feel bad.

    We do know that we are gifts to men and the world, and that every moment we spend with them is a gift.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:47pm

  445. 445: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy #433 –

    DAMN, Girl, I’m gonna go get me a cup o jave RIGHT NOW!!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:48pm

  446. 446: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    dear Daria… im feeling weird today

    im feeling misunderstood by the voices on my journal

    im feeling angry at them

    im feeling drained

    and im feeling mad as it is

    i feel apathetic


    ill try sinking in this

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:48pm

  447. 447: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lucy – hey

    well then im referring to this “leading men on” concept

    i don’t like this concept haunting my island

    it doesn’t feel good

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:49pm

  448. 448: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    oops I meant “java”

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:50pm

  449. 449: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve never heard Rori say… don’t lead men on…


    you must be careful not to lead men on

    this is because it’s impossible

    it’s impossible

    to be dishonest (lead someone on) while being honest and open (sharing feelings)

    the only way to be dishonest is by holding back on sharing feelings

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:51pm

  450. 450: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it’s yoru right to use this concept if you want

    but it feels bad to me

    i feel very saddened and burdened to see it used here

    i don’t want to feel dragged down by it

    i don’t want to see others dragged down by it

    i don’t want to give it energy

    i feel angry at it

    i feel like slapping it

    i love my feelings

    i love my rage at the thought of it being possible for an honest open goddess to lead a man on

    oh wow


    it just doens’t work with my Goddess life on my Goddess rock in the woods

    with men coming in to worship me

    how can I lead them on? by appearing ? where they have sought me out?

    it’s impossible

    im possibllle

    yeah, if their gifts feel bad/.. i can say so

    if their energy gifts drain me… i can say so

    i can refuse them

    but lead them on

    that is impossible

    for me at my rock altar in the forest

    i feel so frustrated at my words


    Goddbye lead men on concept

    i dont want u in my life

    thank you for your work and trying to protect me

    and now i have received the message

    of being ALWAYS HONEST

    thank u

    always honest


    right on!


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:55pm

  451. 451: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I understand what you are saying, Daria. It’s just that there’s a real subtle thing that can happen — not sure how to express it — that, to me, fits the phrase “lead him on.”

    Maybe that is not the right phrase. Maybe I can call it something else.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:56pm

  452. 452: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Muscle tone… I am curious about muscle tone. I would like to release a few inches from my waistline…. I wonder if self pleasuring would increase the likelihood of my toning that area….glutes….the muscles that hold and build tension towards release….and sort of answer or tidbit would be helpful for me…. I prefer siren answers to google….they feel like testimonies and poetry :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:56pm

  453. 453: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, self-pleasuring is my exercise of choice for toning abs and glutes.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 6:58pm

  454. 454: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    leading a man on hmm this is like NOT sharing with him the feeling of not being turned on… or not feeling gotten… or not feeling good… or feeling drained

    so yeah i don’t want to NOT share those

    dear man… i feel drained in our conversations… i dont want to feel this way

    dear man… i feel uncomfortable receiving from u… i feel confused whether its my feeling unworthy or something particular with you that triggers me this way… what do you think?

    daer man… i don’t feel romantically attracted to you at this time yet.. what do you think?

    dear man… i feel turned off by certain stuff when we’re together… and theres so much i do like about u… what do you think?

    dear man… i feel a lil unsafe to share my feelings with you… i feel very vulnerable… what do you think?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:01pm

  455. 455: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Every moment we spend with a man CAN be a gift if we allow it. But I, for one, have not always been a gift. Daria, if you are, great. But there times when I have been rude, hurtful, suspicious, insecure, selfish, etc with a man. I am not perfect, and I forgive myself. At the same time, he was not being graced by my presence at those moments. If I am strong and secure and honest and present, then my presence is a gift.

    If I sleep with a man I don’t love, it is a betrayal of myself. I have betrayed myself in this way before and it sucks – I hope I never do it again. Making love is sharing the most intimate part of myself. For others it is not that, but for me it is. I am not putting this on anyone else. I’m ONLY talking about myself. And many men become vulnerable when they get sexually involved, too. Sex doesn’t ALWAYS mean nothing to a man. I have known men to who it means A LOT. We just can never assume that it means anything.

    I’ve been in love and had sexual relationships with several men since my divorce. And I have to say, for me, the more guys I’ve been involved with, the more it diminishes the experience. My husband was the first man I ever made love with. If I had my choice, I would have been with one man, and one only for my entire life.

    I had a friend once in college who told me, “I feel like I’ve left a part of myself with every man I ever slept with.” And she felt very disconnected with those parts of herself.

    I am not invalidating anyone else’s experience. And it feels bad to have my own experience invalidated because it is different from someone else’s. We share many commonalities, but ultimately each have our own personal truth.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:04pm

  456. 456: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    You can say all those things to him, but if you keep spending time with him, sleeping with him, holding his hand, snuggling, etc….. well…..

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:04pm

  457. 457: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    You spend time with him bc his company is okay and you are lonely.

    You sleep with him bc you’re horny.

    You hold his hand bc it feels nice.

    You snuggle bc he wants to while you are watching a movie you really like and you feel okay doing so.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:07pm

  458. 458: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    You are open to receiving from him — presents and fancy dinners and concerts and outings — sure, why not! I love stuff (presents)! and yummy food and music.

    Even if I’m not into the man giving them to me.

    Even if I am OPEN to becoming into him, but I am not at this time.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:09pm

  459. 459: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita –

    I saw this link from you on the other thread. It made me very emotional.


    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:13pm

  460. 460: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i dont want to read any comments right now… i might go back and read some later

    i dont want to argue

    i just want to riff

    and write for myself

    and for myself

    i feel unsafe and drained reading comments

    i dont want to argue or defend or make wrong

    ive been riffing out and my tone had judgements in it

    esp at the beginning of this process several comments back

    and im sure it triggered people

    i dont want to explain

    i dont want be explained to

    i want to feel safe destroying the concept of leading a man on for myself

    i know once i have destroyed it

    i will more easily speak it through

    and not feel so drained

    so ….

    it’s not just that…

    it’s that

    im focusing on what looks to me as other people’s “struggles”

    when really

    i am avoiding my own feelings right now

    and i feel

    a little lonely

    and a little angry

    and hungry

    i feel hungry and im gonna eat now

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:14pm

  461. 461: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m not that into you.”

    “Oh. You’re not?”


    “Does that mean you don’t want to go to the Keith Urban concert with me?”

    “I would love to go to the Keith Urban concert with you!”

    And this continues repeatedly with various scenarios and disclosures.

    The man is being told the truth.

    He is choosing to lavish time, money, and his heart upon me anyway, because he likes me and is attracted to me and wants to be with me . . . and he hopes that even though I am saying these things, the fact that I keep receiving from him must mean Something, he thinks.

    It is not my fault he thinks that, no.

    I have been honest, and continue to be.

    So, in that sense, I am not leading him on.

    His hopes are leading him on, encouraged by my behavior.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:17pm

  462. 462: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    but do you see results?? Like, over your sexual lifetime, is there a difference in your body compared to when you do or don’t “exercise” (as you call it LOL 😉 )

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:19pm

  463. 463: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “And many men become vulnerable when they get sexually involved, too. Sex doesn’t ALWAYS mean nothing to a man. I have known men to who it means A LOT.”

    That’s a really good point, Honey. I have found that to be true in several cases. And they feel awful when they find out it didn’t mean anything to the girl.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:22pm

  464. 464: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I don’t know. I’ve never NOT exercised. Lol.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:23pm

  465. 465: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    dear journal… im feeling sad… i feel disappointed my big date from yesterday and moved to today didnt happen… even tho he promises hell make it up to me w the best 1st date ive ever had.. that feels good

    i feel determined to stay sad hehe

    i feel angry at italian guy for saying he’ll tell me when we’re gonna hang out today

    i feel disappointed that i feel so drained

    this is a great opportunity to work out, and paint and do fun stuff

    i feel heavy

    i feel imploding

    i did the thru the tunnel exercise and i feel better

    and sleepy!

    mmm i want to lay down and do a hypnosis exercise

    that woudl feel nice right now

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:38pm

  466. 466: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    ANYway, back to what I was trying to write earlier…

    This fb guy from college…

    I was never attracted to him in college as more than a casual friend. But I liked him a lot. We had the same major and had a lot of classes together. He and his best friend were funny and fun to be around.

    Now we are flirting on fb. It started by me writing that poem about fog on his status update thread — the thread’s theme was the sensuality of weather, lots of people were commenting, and I just kinda took the theme up a notch. He liked it.

    So he wrote me a private message saying how much he liked my poem and do I write a lot, and he would like to see more, and he liked my sensuality, etc…. and it just kind of progressed from there…

    His last status update was in Italian. So I wrote, “huh?” One of his other friends translated it for me. And then other people started adding comments in Italian. So I wrote, “I feel left out.”

    Then he wrote to me on that thread, “I don’t know a LOT of Italian — mostly curses.”

    So I wrote, “Teach me some!”

    Which he thought was really funny. He private-messaged me, asking if I was serious. I said I was — that I am an avid lifelong learner and intrigued by languages. :)

    So he has begun giving me private lessons on Italian swears (via fb msgs). And it is really funny and fun. He wrote, “OK my little Irish girl here we go. I’ll start with short ones and then we’ll move onto longer (and more powerful) phrases.”

    It felt REALLY GOOD reading, “my little Irish girl”!!!!

    I felt surprised!!!

    Why did that feel so good? It STILL feels good. Makes me smile and feel warm and fuzzy and happy.

    It seems I feel attracted to him emotionally and intellectually.

    But not physically.

    Although that could change, maybe. I wonder how it would feel to be with him in person, in his physical presence, even though I am not attracted to his looks.

    He is funny and fun.


    He has what TN man and WH have — minus the sexiness. :(

    Before he went to his party tonight, he wrote,
    “Like I said, wished you were closer I’d come and get you and we coulda watched for floating apparitions while drinking something good. Where exactly DO you live? I’m thinking ____? Well lemme know if you do ever want to get together and I’ll drive your way. OK?”

    Wow! I felt surprised! I told Renee last night that I didn’t know whether or not he felt attracted at all. But it seems he does!

    I have not yet responded to that message. I don’t know what to say. I don’t wanna lead him on… Haha, just kidding!!!!

    But seriously, I don’t know what I want here.

    I kinda want him for a boyfriend and keep dating other guys til I find mrsexyandwonderful.

    So, in the interest of full disclosure, should I tell him that? 😉

    Okay, I’m kinda being silly and getting ahead of myself. Half joking, half not.

    But I do want to figure out what to write back to him. I would like to see him. I think he would be fun to hang out with.


    I’m not sure what I feel and think.

    Anyone have any ideas or questions to help me process this?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 7:58pm

  467. 467: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE the fact that we knew each other in college. I feel a sense of safety and comfort in having that history. It’s a VERY different feeling from meeting strangers, especially on internet dating sites. It feels good.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 8:08pm

  468. 468: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am going to get confused here. He has the same first name as WH.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 8:10pm

  469. 469: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    simply shannon!!!!!

    look what i found 😉

    “Before we start, you need to ditch any worries you have about not looking good, or being able to visually arouse your husband. First realize that most women are far more attractive than they think. Second realize that most men are not really concerned with the things women think they are concerned with. The looks of the average centerfold or porn star are icing on a cardboard cake. If you are going to look at a two dimensional image of something you can’t have, you care about every little detail; but when you are having real sex with a real woman those things are not important. And third realize that men are practical, the wife you have is better than the woman you don’t have. To be blunt ladies, it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you display and use what you’ve got. A woman who is way over weight, flat as a board, or otherwise not up to some worldly standard of sexy, can still drive her husband crazy with lust (it’s okay for him to lust for you) if she knows how to do it. Your biggest block to making this work is worrying about looking or acting silly. You have nothing to lose, so abandon shame and embarrassment and get out there and turn your man on!”

    from a christian site: the marriage bed dot com (lolol)

    icing covered cardboard! HA!
    omg…ok-hope all is well on the Simply Shannon Show

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:18pm

  470. 470: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #435 Daria

    Sorry for making you feel yucky about me not accepting this mans offer of help, but see I need at least 5 times this amount, at least, he probably thought I wanted a quick exit out of here when in reality I am planning things slowly which is VERY different to my running around like a crazy woman as previous times attest….

    And I know you are not going to like this what with us being Goddesses and all that, but I do not want to take money from a man……I don’t mind if my (future) husband wants to give me access to his platinum Visa card, that will feel delicious :D….but this is very different……….I would somehow feel obligated and I am a very independent person………but I truly did appreciate the totally unexpected Random Act of Kindness, when I was right into my Abraham stuff I used to do that all the time, leave bits of money here and there, maybe a dollar on top of a petrol pump or in the change bit of a self serve machine, all that kind of stuff…… and the Universe has repaid me 10 fold……..

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:39pm

  471. 471: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    If you are attracted emotionally and intellectually, why not go out with him? You might find yourself attracted to him once you are in his presence. Can you be open to being surprised? Or do you look at him and think, “ugh”?

    How long has it been since you’ve seen this guy in person?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:48pm

  472. 472: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Honey and Lucy

    Like Lucy I am interested in where Honey is finding all these attractive men????

    I have been divorced for 8 years now and have hardly met any men that I am attracted to, well not available men anyways…….

    Honey are you just going out with just any old somebody like RR says, or are you picking and choosing? Which site are all these guys on? I have found POF to be pretty sparse and have thought of joining something like eHarmony where it matches your personality?? I am not in any great rush, I have become a bit like SLV investigating and sifting and learning until my head gets itself back to a better place/space……

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:50pm

  473. 473: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    Going out with a guy once is not leading him on. You could keep it really light. I’ve ended up in love with guys that did not appeal to me all that much visually, but connected with me so much on an emotional and intellectual level.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:50pm

  474. 474: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #283 Shelly

    Sorry looks like your post got “lost” in here.

    People marry every day into different races, cultures, religions…………and I suppose the main thing here is that you must have a problem with changing your religion because you have posted on this site. So you will have to ask him why it is so important to him for you to change your religion and most importantly how do YOU feel about doing so……….

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:56pm

  475. 475: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb –

    No, I DON’T go out with any old person. I am SUPER picky. Must be smart, funny, at least a bachelor’s degree, have kids, be family oriented, have an interest in the arts, and cannot be politically conservative. Oh, and they have to make a lot of money. Most guys I’ve gone out with make at least 100K per year, but sometimes less and sometime a lot more. Like the guy last night…millions. Cha ching. And I screen the hell out of them on the phone, AND I don’t even talk to anyone on the phone unless they already know about my kids’ disabilities.

    I have had great success with, and I’ve also tried eHarmony. Right now my profile is hidden cuz I have too many CDs in rotation. I live in a major metropolitan area, so I think I have sheer numbers of men working in my favor. I have a good profile that shows my personality. And I wrote it to screen people out more than in.

    I’m thinking if you live in a major metro area, it helps a lot.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 10:58pm

  476. 476: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #468 Honey

    Kinda like that “love is blind” thing, how often have you seen an ex and thought WTH was I thinking LOL!!!

    A friend was telling me about how she met this middle aged paunchy man who was going bald and not her “type” at all, however they fell madly in love and she said strangely when she looks at him now all she sees is Paul Newman now LOL!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:00pm

  477. 477: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb –

    What I’m NOT picky on that some women are is ethnicity, height and they don’t have to be all buff and everything. Just reasonably attractive in that I find something appealing about them.

    Oh, and they DO have to be close to my age.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:01pm

  478. 478: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb #471 –

    That is SO TRUE. I couldn’t care less if a guy is bald or has hair. I don’t think I would see that after awhile.

    The guy I went out with last night talked about this. He said that it doesn’t matter that much what your partner looks like, whether their gorgeous or very plain, because you get used to their looks, whatever they are, and over time, you don’t see that anymore.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:04pm

  479. 479: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m turning in for the night. So tired from last night’s CD and have to rest up for tomorrow night’s CD. lol Looking forward to dancing tomorrow,

    Night all…

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:05pm

  480. 480: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Honey and Barb!

    It’s after 2 am here! And my contact lenses are out and I can’t find my glasses! Why am I up?

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:08pm

  481. 481: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #474 Honey

    You know for a little while until I get “better” I am going to live my CD life through you Sirens, you, Renee, Lucy, Daria, SS, Brenda, LISTS and so on, it looks like I am still on a huge learning curve, and that is so funny Honey, you have to get more sleep to prepare for all your CD’ing 😀

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:10pm

  482. 482: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda

    I hope you don’t have your cell phone in your hand ready to text you know who!!!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:11pm

  483. 483: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #274 – Thank you very much for taking the time to break down my situation. Sometimes your words are hard to swallow, and I know you mean well.

    All in all, you hit the nail on the head. I still think she was too harsh, and it didn’t help. But you are right, I accept her as being human and losing patience now and then, etc .Thanks again!

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:27pm

  484. 484: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Barb,

    No, no cell phone in hand. How are you doing? I bet the sun is shining there right now.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:28pm

  485. 485: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #283 – How do you feel about switching your belief system? Could you and he have counseling together with a minister from his faith…or yours…or both? I would need to know more about the spiritual aspects to give you much feedback.

    Rori doesn’t really want us to go deeply into spiritual stuff here, so you are welcome to email me at if you would like.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:33pm

  486. 486: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Brenda, the sun is shining and I am here working at the airport – working hard as you can see LOL!! This is the only day I can use the computer at work, which is of course a good thing it’s only one day, else I would get the sack for not doing any work LOL!!

    Good about the cell phone too, didn’t Daria say you had come down off the bridge after 18 days, just a little saunter you know, to dip your toe into the water? Shhheeesssh it’s a bit cold, better climb back onto your clean, silver sparkly bridge it’s all encrusted with diamonds and pearls you and sparkles and shimmers in the sunlight 😀

    And Brenda look over there, it’s Siren island where the Goddesses live, I sometimes think of them like mermaids lying on the rocks in the sun combing their long hair and they all have their horses tied up ready for the next time they feel the need for a good long horse ride.

    Over there in the distance is a castle and there is Mr Right just looking and looking for you, but he can’t see you because you are not making yourself available to meet him………….so get the horse off his tether hitch ol’ Mr Ryan onto the back and go for a good gallop :)

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:45pm

  487. 487: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Whew! I really like that visualization! Beautifully said! What do you do at the airport? I want to fly to Sydney! :-) I saw earlier you went to Hawaii 5 times. That is where I want to vacation more than anywhere else! I feel jealous!

    I think it’s interesting how much where we live affects what man we meet! I am in Pennsylvania primarily cuz my Mom lives here, and I want to be near her in her old age. I would probably live near the ocean in a warm climate if I were choosing by location alone.

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:50pm

  488. 488: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Hi…It’s after two here too Brenda, glad to hear you’re doing OK, and made up with Franny

    Uhhh.,…I’ll have some of whatever Honey is having, :-)
    and I am seriously planning on moving to
    a more “happening” area. I find the area I am in really lacking.

    Barb, i have to admit that i’m a very picky cder. While I can find something to love about anyone, I just don’t want to start something like go meet someone I know I am not going to want to go on a second or third date with.

    Also, I have no idea why two on pof that sparked my interest this week went flakey! One that I am supposed to meet tomorrow has not written, asked for my phone number to get in touch, or provided any details on time. And this is his second chance. He flaked out last week too. He doesn’t get another chance. We were going to meet in the early afternoon tomorrow. Even if he tries to write tomorrow morning, I’m going to turn him down. That’s just rude. There’s a fine line between spontaneity and rudeness, imo!!

    I’m becoming more convinced that many, not all, people on pof are there mostly for entertainment purposes!

    Renee and Rosa, well, i went ahead and bought the ebook. Yes, I do think it is pretty good, as it is helping to really clarify things for me that have been a little confusing. I’m not ready to totally give up on my guy just yet, though. He says he wants to “move the relationship forward”, he hid his pof profile, he says he wants to learn and grow, and I want to practice boundary setting and sticking to those boundaries, and seeing if we can possibly become emotionally available together, and keep the power base equal, and i just hope he is not high maintenance, because that aint gonna cut it with me.

    My feeling is that he wants to try for love, trust, respect and caring about one another. I’m not sure if our values are aligned enough for me. That’s another thing I have to see about.

    I’m in a good position right now for that because I am less attached to the outcome, and I have new real hope that he isn’t the only one for me, so if it doesnt work out i wont be devastated.

    good night and love to all

    Saturday, 30 October 2010 @ 11:57pm

  489. 489: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Wonderful uplifting imagery, Barb!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:02am

  490. 490: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #482 Brenda

    I work in checkin can’t say too much in case I pinpoint my real identity to all the mad axe murderers lurking on this site ha ha!!

    In Hawaii the people there they are so nice and friendly and the climate is fantastic, not too hot like it gets here in fact it’s the only place I have ever had a decent tan because I don’t fry up like a piece of crispy bacon :)

    And as well as the Polynesian cultural side you have the great American shops and restaurants. 😀

    When MM (Military Man who has disappeared) was coming on strong to me in his emails and asking me how I would feel being married to an American and living there and told me he was retiring in a few years and was “very rich” well I did think in my imaginings……mmm wow if it works out with this guy maybe he would like to retire to Hawaii 😀

    But sadly he flaked out before we even met for a cup of coffee, this is after emailing a few times a week for 3 months…….sigh……

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:24am

  491. 491: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #482 LISTS

    “I’m in a good position right now for that because I am less attached to the outcome, and I have new real hope that he isn’t the only one for me, so if it doesnt work out i wont be devastated.”

    This is possibly one of the most important things I have taken from the RR programme. All that devastation and tears will be over in no time, just like Renee who has gotten back on the horse in no time, not after months and months which is what I am sure most of us would have done in the past.

    Mind you in saying that I first have to meet a man who holds my interest and makes it to the first cup of coffee…….and yes I am picky too at times, at other time times I feel that is wrong and need to think outside the box……..

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:33am

  492. 492: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I guess one reason I get attached to the outcome is because I value people. I don’t like to just throw them away like trash, and I don’t like it when they throw me away like trash.

    With Ryan, I was totally in love with him. He kept calling me, day after day after day, and we were exclusive for 10 months. He led me on and gave me many reasons to believe he was going to be around for the long term.

    Right now, I’m just getting it in my head that I have to get my life together before any man wants to date me. As in losing weight and losing debt. And I am continuing to work on my neediness and insecurity. That last part wasn’t so visible in the past, when I was with Kenny. But I see more clearly now that he just kept me on a string by manipulating me with my neediness.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:28am

  493. 493: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda this is SOOOO good, you are getting it!!! I know Daria has gotten pissed off with us all on this blog because we just didn’t “get” it, but we are all at different stages of our development….my God I have only been here a matter of weeks really and this is such a steep learning curve to get rid of old ingrained methods.

    Hey we have all had those men in our lives who were SO into us and spoke of Always and Forever, but now they are gone…….and we KNOW that we don’t need to be devastated and unable to get out of bed because “he” you know that God we put on a pedestal doesn’t want us anymore, we have to get it into our head that it is WE who are the prize NOT him. That is what I believe means not being attached to the outcome means…….

    I have a lot in my life that I need to get together too so let’s ALL OF US who needs it do it together……….

    Starting the 1st of November, yep that is tomorrow I am quitting smoking, I have the patches, the lozenges AND the inhaler 😀 whatever it takes because I need to SERIOUSLY start saving some money if I want to go home………not frittering it away on cigarettes and knick knacks and just………..STUFF……..

    This RR feeling stuff has brought a whole lot more up for me than about just men………it has brought up my feelings about where I want to live and why I am not comfortable in dating Aussie men………not that there is anything inherently wrong with them……..but I just don’t want to live here Always and Forever ya know………..

    And Brenda you seem to me like you ARE on that path riding your horse, you are sorting out your finances, you are sorting out your place and your laundry and shit and you are thinking about losing some weight, not that you should have to lose weight to attract a man but because it lifts your self esteem to be leaner and trimmer………well it does for me anyway, I probably need to do that as I have gone up (at least) a dress size this past year and I don’t like it.

    And not that this is any of my business but I am a nosy Gemini (:)) just exactly what is Kenny inside for? And how many years did he get?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:18am

  494. 494: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    OK I am off to bed, I have been on here for HOURS on my own, sob sob, BUT I know I will get up in the morning to 10 trillion catch up posts LOL!!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:26am

  495. 495: MaiNo Gravatar says:


    i want to buy your book on looking like a goddess ! i want to learn how to own the room the way you did when you were with your family!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:28am

  496. 496: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    and i want to help you i love fashion and style

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:32am

  497. 497: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I too want to buy a book written by Daria on how to dress and look like the ultimate Goddess/Siren/Diva woman 😀

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:43am

  498. 498: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    LITS — I’m so glad you bought the ebook! It was such an eye-opener for me and it sounds like you’re getting a lot out of it to.

    Besides laying out the behavior on their part to watch for, the most valuable thing that I plan to take from it moving forward is that I need to be true to myself in setting better boundaries, which is a by-product of better self-esteem and not being too attached to the outcome.

    It sounds like you feel there’s reason for hope with your current EUM because he’s talking about actually pursuing a “real” relationship with you. I don’t know much about your history and how much he’s jerked you around in the past, but I feel encouraged to hear that you don’t feel as attached to the outcome and that you realize you need to put more firm boundaries in place. Regardless of whether things work out with this guy, I think you’ll feel better about the outcome if you treat yourself with the utmost respect while things develop, so I’m sending you a big, encouraging hug to help give you the strength and confidence to stick to this new way of thinking/feeling…you deserve to be loved completely for who you are.

    I realized, through reading the book, that in my relationship with Blondie, I feared losing him so much that as soon as he hinted that he wanted to pull back a little, it spurred me into thinking that I needed to “win” him back over…for example, I knew he valued fitness and I’ve been kind of hit and miss with my fitness routine this year, but I would make it a point to tell him how often I was working out, even when I wasn’t telling the truth. I also lied to him about quitting smoking…I genuinely was trying to quit smoking when we were dating (he hated smoking, of course, and I don’t blame him really) and there were 2 times I made it to nearly 4 days w/o a cigarette, but I stretched the truth there as well in order to impress him. (I was actually doing really well with it until he started jerking me around…if things had continued going well w/us, I actually believe I would have succeeded in quitting, and I plan to try to quit again soon, but, I digress…)

    The point is that instead of just being myself the way I was the first month or so we dated (before I got emotionally invested), I felt I was “competing” for his heart against this perfect ideal and I don’t want to feel that way again. I want to feel accepted for who I am and you deserve that too.

    I don’t know if you have a problem as well with feeling ike you need to “win” him back over, but that’s a very common pattern with women who are dating EUM. I want for you (and for me!) to have the courage and confidence to be your true, imperfect self and let the chips fall where they may. As Rori says, “Express, don’t impress”…something I’m trying to keep in mind as I talk with the new guys I’m cd’ing.

    Anyway — I think awareness of the situation and of the patterns associated with it is a great step towards breaking the dysfunctional pattern that tends to exist with these EUM’s, and despite my reservations, I hope from the bottom of my heart that your relationship proves to be an exception and can be resurrected. But if it can’t, you will at least know, after this last try, that you gave it every chance and it just didn’t work. And hopefully you will then be free to find the man who WILL love the whole and complete you. What do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:36am

  499. 499: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    btw are there any married women on here? i’m interested to know how circular dating applies in my marriage when my husband is not stepping up to claim me. what do you do when you are together in the same room/house and your husband is not leaning towards you? i would love to hear the stories so i can learn…

    my husband asks for coffee every morning and it feels like i am serving him and i do not feel like a sexy siren wife when i am making him coffee.

    he has gone away on business for a month so our mode of communication is via telephone, text and email. how can i be a siren in this situation? i want him to desire me with passion even if we cant be together.

    and daria,(and to any other sirens..tinque)? i have another health question for you! i have recently been doing belly dancing and pilates. however i get very tired and sleepy after 5 or ten minutes, i mean i am always drinking pure water … (maybe because i am still nursing my baby) but can you advise on how i can get a huge energy boost the natural way so i don’t feel tired anymore? any foods/supplements etc that worked for you?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:02am

  500. 500: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    I have been away for a while as I have been busy working.

    I am going to read back over the posts in a minute and catch up.

    However first just want to type.

    I went to a Halloweeen party last night at the pub. I was quite late arriving as I had been working, helping out a friend behind the bar at another local pub.

    Well I walked in to my local and Mr date guy was there playing pool. He COMPLETELY ignored me. To the point of not even speaking to me when he needed me to move so he could take his shot. When he was almost bashing me with his pool cue to take the shot I said ‘Oh, would you like me to move?’ he kinda grunted something…

    So all I did was just leaned back and let him ignore me. I feel turned off by this type of behaviour. I just got on with my evening and I felt quite empowered that I could be there in the room and hold my space and not try to do anything or ‘fix’ the situation.

    After he finished his game of pool he left the room and kinda avoided me after that. Which is fine.

    A guy who knows us both said to me ‘you really taught the boy a lesson!’ which felt slightly weird as I was not trying to teach anyone any lessons. Just getting on with my life…

    Not sure what the lesson would be but I suppose maybe something around that if you don’t step up you lose… or something like that. Well that lesson feels good to me anyway.

    Later Mr date guy had a fight with the guy who said that. I don’t think it was about that … don’t know what it was about, but guys who fight make me feel a bit icky… oww and I felt a little bit worried for Mr Date guy, like I didn’t want him to get hurt.

    Fighting makes me feel turned off and not good.

    So in the meantime Mr Feelgood showed up. He came straight over to me and said he was sorry that he hadn’t been in touch but he had been dealing with some sh*t. I was open and friendly and I asked if everything was ok. He said yes and he didn’t want to talk about it. We talked a bit more and then he went to stand with his friends.

    Later I walked past him on the way to the loo and he grabbed me and asked if I was ok. I said I was feeling ok (because somehow I was) and then he said ‘look I am really sorry, I want to explain to you what has been happening’. I said ok and we went outside to talk so we could hear each other.

    He told me that he’s been having a bit of a head f*ck because he ex contacted him last week, just after he dropped me off on Sunday to say she still loves him and wants to get back together.

    I just listened and then told him I had felt disappointed not to hear from him and that I would have prefered to heard from him. He said he should have called me but he wasn’t sure what to say. He decided to wait to bump into me at the pub (said with a half smile!, lol)

    It didn’t feel good to hear about his ex but I felt glad that he was being open and honest and communicating with me.

    After that we kinda hung out together and it was nice although the vibe was not its sparkly best like it usually is when we are together.

    He gave the impression that he does not want to get back together with his ex. I do not know the full story, its none of my business however I know the break up was painful for him, he has spoken about it.

    However I definitely get the feeling that he is still ‘sorting through stuff’ in his head and is not sure of his feelings.

    Oh, he also mentioned that he had driven past my house a few times, ‘just to see if your car was there’. And I said ‘and was it?’. He said no it wasn’t.

    Also his friends kept teasing him by shouting out that I was here… ie: shouting his name and then shouting out my name and that I was here like ‘Mr Feelgood, Ella is here!’

    Siren’s do you think these are signs he likes me? Because I do feel a bit confused and unsure of things, which doesn’t feel good. I definitely used to feel that he likes me, but since all this other stuff has come up I feel unsure of myself. I am sure that as I Siren I would be better not to even worry about whether a gy likes me or not, however the truth is I do want him to like me! Whatever happens or doesn’t.

    Towards the end of the night he asked how I was getting home and offered that I could stay with him if I was stuck. I politely declined, it would have felt like a booty to call to accept, even though I wouldn’t have slept with him. It wouldn’t have felt good to me.

    So apart from this he didn’t try to kiss me or anything, although he did make sure that I was able to get a taxi home with some other friends, so that I got home safe.

    I felt disappointed that he was less available to me than usual and after he left to go home I felt very sad.

    Well I have not heard anything more from him today. Today I still feel kinda sad. I can’t say really why.

    I guess that I feel he is not stepping up right now… for whatever reason – the ex or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that right now he is not stepping up for me in the way I need my men to. So for now he is going to be slung up on the back of my horse. So that I don’t get stuck on this.

    There he is… on the back of my horse and I am continuing riding on towards my happiness and my Mr Right. Whoever he is.

    So today I am feeling a mixture of sad, slight disappointment and also kinda ok and proud of how I have been dealing with things.

    Oh, I also want to mention that he is moving, to another town about half an hour away. So when I think of that I feel afraid that I won’t see him anymore, which would feel sad to me.

    This is all out if my control and I am not trying to control things in my life anymore. It bring me more peace and synchronicity.

    I guess a whole lot a leaning back is required here. As usual this is still a little challenging, however much less than it used to be, I don’t want any man who doesn’t make me feel like the centre of the universe and is not able to take care of my needs the way I need to be cared for,

    And it feels good to know I will not take crumbs or ‘compete’ with the ex. I want more from my men/man. I want to feel loved and happy and that is what I am moving towards always.

    Making my decisions based on that!

    Ahhhh, feels good to type that out.

    Thank you for my feelings and the chance to work through these things and to practice.

    Now I am ready to get back to back to reading the blog and seeing what has been happening with all the others Sirens.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:23am

  501. 501: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Mai — I think the key when you’re married is to pursue things in your own life that fulfill you, so you’re not “pulling” on him for your happiness. When you’re wrapped in a cocoon of happiness from your friends, hobbies and (if it applies) work, you will be very appealing to him and he’ll notice you’re not looking to him to fulfill you.

    While he’s away, take this time to focus on you and what you enjoy…do you have any hobbies/interests you used to enjoy that you’ve given up in recent years?

    I don’t know what to tell you about getting him coffee…I’d be interested in seeing what some of the other sirens say about that. I can see where having him “require” that you bring him coffee each morning wouldn’t feel very “sireny”, but I can also see where he wouldn’t think of that as too much to ask, you know?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:36am

  502. 502: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria @ 445

    I got that message from the whole leading on thing too…

    I can’t ‘lead someone on’ if I am always being honest… My actions exactly match my feelings… And I do not have expectations… just living in the moment.


    Got it too!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:23am

  503. 503: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    renee –

    i was very young when i met him- 18.. in those days i was into my law studies and career. I did film extra work and modelling part time too. but since having a baby alot has changed and i don’t want to pursue a law career. i want to be own boss, more than anything, and i have a big project that needs paying attention to..however that is at a standstill because of finances. i gave up modelling because my family did not approve. but in the last month or so i have taken up modelling again, and it feels good to know that i still have my mojo…especially after having a baby… !

    i think my husband has his own issues- as a siren what is my role here?? lean back, dont interfere and let him deal with it himself? is it different in a marriage?

    binging my husband coffee every morning after he gruffly commands ‘COFFEE’ first thing in the morning is not too much to ask…. how can i do this in a way that makes me beautiful and attractive?

    basically how can a siren maintain her demure, sexiness and femininity when she is doing/serving her husband, i.e making and bringing coffee/breakfast? i know we are advised on leaning back but in situations like this, and in others i.e cleaning, tidying, changing nappies/diapers,emptying the bins, grocery shopping, cooking…. how do we do do it without compromising our sex appeal?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:24am

  504. 504: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy @ 451 –

    I don’t think you would be doing those things if you did not feel attracted/comfortable.

    You would be telling him you felt turned off or that You felt uncomfortable to kiss him… then he would either fix it so it felt better or he would go away.

    A Siren doesn’t do things that she is not feeling good about (well except for maybe challenging herself by trying new ways of being which can feel a lil uncomfortable at first).

    Therefore I imagine that if there is any lying going on it is more dishonesty about how one is FEELING. Ie: words and actions do not match feelings.

    What do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:32am

  505. 505: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    And if this is the case a simple little shift changes it. Simply making our words and actions match our feelings… hence the stuff about always being open and honest.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:33am

  506. 506: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella — It sounds like you handled things wonderfully! You didn’t let Date Guy’s issues derail you from having a good night otherwise and you were open (but not demanding) when Mr.Feelgood approached you.

    I feel bad that you’re feeling bad today, however…obviously, Mr. Feelgood has a lot he’s processing right now and probably isn’t a good candidate to be stepping up for you right now. I know it’s disappointing when you have a whole host of men all vying for your attention one day and the next day half of them have fizzled out, but there will be more.

    As you know, I’ve been doing the online dating thing off and on for nearly 10 yrs and even though I got through stretches where there don’t seem to be ANY viable candidates for miles, more always turn up eventually. And that will happen for you too…even if you do end up looking to some nearby larger cities to open the dating pool a bit. How far away from your small town did you say the nearest big town was? Just curious…

    I think you’re doing great, though. What else are you doing to bring more joy/happiness into your life? I’ve realized that is critically important to me right now, but I haven’t been doing as much in that regard as I should…I keep trying to think of new, interesting things I can do, but unfortunately, most of them take money and my budget’s kind of tight these days…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:36am

  507. 507: AmberSNo Gravatar says:


    I am feeling so happy with how good you sound here :) I’m mostly working on non-relationship stuff with myself, so I don’t come here as often. When I do stop by I am totally amazed at how strong and healthy you all are sounding!

    I was thinking last night about something and I woke up wanting to share it with you.

    If I was building my house, or repairing my house and I needed a tool to do it, and someone came by and offered to give me the tool, would I say “No, I can’t accept that tool. I don’t know you well enough”?

    If that person needed the tool right then, they wouldn’t be offering it to me. Or if they knew they needed it back, they would offer to lend it instead of give it.

    Maybe they have two hammers and they only need or want one? Maybe they have one from Tiffany’s and so they want to give away their old one from the hardware store.

    Last night I realized that money is just a tool. And I would accept a tool I needed to repair my house (life) from anyone who wanted to give it to me. There wouldn’t be any strange discomfort for me in accepting a wrench or a hammer from someone, so if I am feeling discomfort about money, maybe it’s time for me to re-evaluate my energy and beliefs around it.

    If someone choses to bless you with the abundance they have in their life, maybe the lesson is in accepting and receiving that abundance in yours?

    Or maybe this is just the lesson for me. LOL

    Either way, you’re in my thoughts.

    Much love- Amber

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:38am

  508. 508: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy re 453 & 453 –

    Yes, exactly. But you are TELLING him. I feel just ‘ok’ being with you. Or I feel horny or I feel turned off, or whatever he is making you feel.

    That way he has ALL the information and you respect him and trust him enough to allow him to then decide whether he wants to continue.

    There is NO lying because you are completely honest with him. If you are just hanging with him because it feels ok for now tell him, in feeling messages.

    There is no lying or leading on here in this situation… just honesty.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:39am

  509. 509: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Mai — All that “doing” energy is definitely masculine, but it’s also very necessary if you’re going to get anything done in life.

    I wish I had some answers for you, but as a single woman, the dynamics are a bit different. I know that when we’re dating someone, we’re only supposed to “give back” for the most part, not give first (unless it’s his birthday or something), but even then, it gets confusing…

    Have you listened to “Reconnect Your Relationship”? It sounds like that would be the program that’s most applicable to you right now…I also think you would get some good input from Tinque and Mercedes, who are on the blog occasionally…they’re both in long-term, committed relationships and seem to both be very happy. Maybe you can catch one of them on here at some point…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:48am

  510. 510: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @495: Ella

    Hi! Good to hear you’re still out there CDing.

    Ride on!


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:51am

  511. 511: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    For me personally I say NO to the whole leading on thing…

    I too have struggled with this and no longer believe in it!

    BECAUSE My actions and words EXACTLY match my feelings…

    If he doesn’t turn me on and I am saying that and I am spending more time with the people who ARE turning me on… but I am staying open to the guy who currently isn’t because it can change on a dime, and it is good practice for now. And he knows how I feel and he can see the situation for exactly what it is because I am honest.

    If I am acting out of my true feelings then I can never do anything I do not truly feel. It will never grow and expand past a point, and both he and I will know that.

    I am not making any promises by accepting concert tickets… I am simply accepting concert tickets.

    He chooses how he responds and whether he chooses to believe me. If he chooses to not beleive the truth of the situation that is his issue and his stuff. His boundaries. His imaginary relationship.

    I am being honest and I will keep living my life in an honest way. I will not feel afraid to spend time with a man in case he gets the wrong idea!

    That is how I see it right now.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:52am

  512. 512: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @488: BarbinOz says:

    “Starting the 1st of November, yep that is tomorrow I am quitting smoking, I have the patches, the lozenges AND the inhaler whatever it takes because I need to SERIOUSLY start saving some money if I want to go home………not frittering it away on cigarettes and knick knacks and just………..STUFF……..”

    Best wishes on your non-smoking campaign. I used to smoke cigarettes also. I started when I was a university student–mid-term all-nighters, black coffee and cigarettes! I smoked for about 20 years. I usually smoked less than a half pack a day–except for when I was pregnant and practically quit because cigarettes tasted “funny.”

    I haven’t had a cigarette in many years. I “quit” several times. I tried the nicotine gum; it didn’t work and irritated my throat. I downgraded to lower nicotine and tar level, bought only my least favorite brands–which quickly became my all-time favorites, go figure!

    Finally, I just stopped smoking in blocks of time: hours, then a half day, then a whole day,,,then not at all. It helped that “delayed gratification” is not a problem for me. I only smoked when it was convenient unlike some people who leave the building and stand outside to smoke! However, if I was busy and didn’t smoke all day, the first thing I’d do when I arrived home was “chain smoke” two or three cigarettes.

    I finally decided that I was a “smoker” and I’d have a cigarette when I wanted one but I knew they weren’t good for my health so I woudn’t have one right now…I’d wait until I really, really wanted one. Those times became fewer and the blocks of time without smoking became larger.

    Tomorrow I’m starting (again!) a “way of eating” to lose weight. This will take some work and planning to make sure I have everything organized so that my meals have the whole foods I need to keep healthy. It will be difficult to say good bye to cupcakes…!!!

    I want to lose 30 pounds!

    I’m a Gemini too.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:54am

  513. 513: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy re 461

    Yes, you say in your post you would like to see him and hat spending time with him would be fun.

    That sounds like your truth right now… tell him that.

    You can figure the rest out later based on how you feel when you spend him in person.

    Enjoy the way he makes you feel! :-)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:59am

  514. 514: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I find myself kind of stuck in a txt convo w/a dr who contacted me on Match this morning…he had contacted me in the past and after IM’ing a bit, we decided to txt instead since Match’s IM interface is really bad.

    So we’re going back and forth a bit, but I find that he seems to be mostly waiting for me to ask questions about him, and then he seems a bit hesitant to answer them (he’s going through a divorce right now — swears divorce papers have been filed and she is no longer living w/him), and seems to be hesitant about…well, about the whole thing. He’s attractive and bright and seems to have a good sense of humor, but I’m wondering if I’m just opening myself up to another EUM and I sure don’t know what to do with the Q&A impasse…I asked him the last questions, which he eventually answered, but he isn’t asking me any in return. It seems like he would be a good person to practice siren tool on, but I don’t know what to say…what do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:00am

  515. 515: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita re 464

    Hmmm… feels good hearing about how easy it is for us to turn men on! Yay I feel yummy!


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:02am

  516. 516: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and guess what – Mr Feelgood had NO issue about the money at all!!

    SO all that stressing by me was pointless and irrelevant!

    Just thought I would mention that.

    I did hand him back his twenty pounds but it was as though he had completely forgotten all about it.

    So just proves once again the issue was with me having difficulty recieving… My issue, not his this time!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:08am

  517. 517: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    lol this is funny!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:15am

  518. 518: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @509: Renee says:

    “It seems like he would be a good person to practice siren tool on, but I don’t know what to say…what do you think?”

    Hmmm, do you have to say something? How about saying nothing until he asks you out? Then say “yes” unless he seems horrible or scary. Meet him and see what the deal is. You have a lot of online dating experience, I’m guessing you’ll know.

    Whatever happened to the doctor (who you considered klutzy) after your date? Did either of you have further interest? I thought he might be “the one” after you had that first big spat with your Blondie…then you got back together again for a while.

    Renee, you and Honey have such a wonderful stream of quality guys coming into your life. What a luxury! Glorious! I’m thinking this makes recovery easier when things hit a snag with a man.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:17am

  519. 519: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lits #483 –

    “i have to admit that i’m a very picky cder. While I can find something to love about anyone, I just don’t want to start something like go meet someone I know I am not going to want to go on a second or third date with.”

    I say “AMEN” to that! Part of my problem in the initial stages is that I can connect with ANYONE on some level. For Pete’s Sake, if I can work with autistic children and can connect quickly with them, I can connect with anyone. So I try to screen up front carefully. This usually doesn’t put guys off…in some ways, I think it increases my desirabiliy factor…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:23am

  520. 520: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    #488 –

    “I know Daria has gotten pissed off with us all on this blog because we just didn’t “get” it, but we are all at different stages of our development….”

    In a way I LIKE that Daria has gotten pissed off…well, maybe I don’t like that she is pissed, but I like how she can EXPRESS that she is pissed instead of faking that everything is ok. If she’s pissed, she’s pissed. When she expresses it, we feel her passion about her position and it gives us the opportunity to look more closely at her point of view if we wish to. It also gives her the opportunity to explore what it is about others not getting it, from her point of view, that makes her so angry. And she DOES do this, and models her process on here as she works it through, which I appreciate SO MUCH. I stuff to many emotions…she stuffs NOTHING…at least not past the very short time it takes her to become aware of something. At least that’s how it looks to me.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:31am

  521. 521: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Sigh…well, I didn’t come up w/a feeling message for him, I just commented on his last answer, asked him where he was from originally and asked him if he had any questions for me. He answered my question briefly and then asked me if I had any planned trips coming up — not exactly a probing, “really get to know you” question, y’know?

    I never know how to deal with this type of man. Is he just too self-absorbed to ever really fall for anyone? Is it possible he’s just trying to impress me at this point and will actually get more interested in me as time goes by?

    The last guy I dated like this didn’t end that well…we went out a few weeks and I ended up sleeping with him. The next morning, we hung out at my house til about noon, just sitting on my sofa and chatting. Problem is, the entire conversation was about him. I mean, I was asking him questions I was genuinely interested in (he was starting a new business, so we talked all about that and we knew some of the same people in college, so we chatted about that), but nevertheless, I was doing ALL the question asking.

    So we went out on a Friday night and spent half of Saturday together. He then went home and I didn’t hear from him the whole next day, which really pi$$ed me off. I mean, every guy who’s not an a$$hole knows you call a girl the day after you first sleep together (unless you don’t plan on ever seeing her again). So around 9pm Sunday night, I closed out our match on eHarmony. He called mid-day Monday and left me a voicemail, totally befuddled as to why I had closed out the match. He recounted what a good time we had Friday night and how great our conversation was Saturday and didn’t understand it. I called him back and got voicemail too, so I told him that every man on the planet who had gotten to his age knew that you called a girl the day after you first slept with her and that perhaps he didn’t realize it, but the entire 4-hr conversation we’d had Sat morning had been entirely about him, with me doing all the question asking! It was like he wasn’t the least bit curious about what I was about.

    Curious how some of you divas would have handled that, but mostly curious how you handle men who seem to expect us to ask all the questions…just write them off? This guy has money…maybe I could date him part time for a while and let him take me on a cool trip or two while I continue looking for my Mr. Right…what do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:32am

  522. 522: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    oops, I mean I stuff “TOO” many emotions…I am OCD about my spelling mistakes!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:33am

  523. 523: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV — What I was wondering was spefically how to reply to this guy in the context of our txt convo…do you mean just don’t reply to him at all and see if he eventually asks me out? I’m controlling the dynamic a little right now by taking lots of time replying to each msg he sends, but then he replies to mine right away, lol. I guess I could take this as a sign that he’s interested, but c’mon — no questions about me at all? Really?

    As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m never sure what to do with this kind of man…a lot of the ones who are very successful seem like this, though…they seem to think they’re the fascinating ones and that we should have to try to win them over.

    The klutzy dr I went out with when Blondie and I had our first spat was just not a good match for me…I diverted my face to give him my cheek when he tried for a good night kiss and I think he picked up on the hint from there…a few days later, he sent me a msg saying that he had determined we weren’t good long-term matches, lol (geez — yah think?:-). I wrote him back saying I had reached the same conclusion and wished him luck.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:40am

  524. 524: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    Be careful not to overfunction…send the guy a feeling text message, then lean back and see what he does. It sounds like you feel like you are working too hard. If you have to work this hard to you REALLY want to go out with this guy? You have no problem attracting men. There will always be another, and only accept the ones that will step up. In the past I have leaned so far forward that it’s amazing I did not end up doing a summersault! You and I both need to lean back and let them come to us. If he does not respond to a feelings message, I say, “Bye-bye…have a nice day…” lol

    This blog is becoming so addictive to me. I just spent the last 50 mins reading on here and I HAVE to go finish studying and take an exam, then some other critical stuff plus getting my daughter ready for her day…then my fun CD. Later everyone…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:51am

  525. 525: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    “Renee, you and Honey have such a wonderful stream of quality guys coming into your life. What a luxury! Glorious! I’m thinking this makes recovery easier when things hit a snag with a man”.

    Yes – for me this is one of the biggest benefits of CD-ing. It is helping me to not get stuck when things don’t work out with any 1 guy!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:05am

  526. 526: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey re 514

    I suppose that if you have enough guys streaming in to do your CD-ing and have at least 3 in your rotation then why not choose the ones you like best?

    However I also believe all men are our teachers and our free therapy! And I get what Rori means when she talks about practising on the frogs so we have our Siren Skills honed and natural when we meet the good ones…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:09am

  527. 527: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel confused. and disappointed. and angry. not sure what to do. i dumped LI big time. We were arguing and I got out of the car in the ghetto late at night and said i would walk home from there and he SPED OFF. I know I said I was walking home but who doesn’t at least try to get his girl back in the car in a bad neighborhood, or at least watch to make sure she’s making it down the street ok? Then i called him out on it as i was walking home, and instead of just coming to pick me up, he kept going on and on about how sorry he was for doing that. UM HELLO, I AM STILL WALKING THROUGH THE GHETTO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

    so after an hour of me walking and me knocking sense into his head, he came to get me, and then drove off before i even got the key in the door.

    wtf is wrong with this man? i feel so judgmental. i made him bring me ALL my stuff from his house immediately. i feel disgusted and turned off and unsafe.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:10am

  528. 528: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    It makes the Princes feel less intimidating…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:10am

  529. 529: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry, before i even got the key in my front door when he dropped me off.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:11am

  530. 530: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    In fact… I was only practicing when I accepted a date with Mr Feel good and look how I ended up feeling about him! :-)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:12am

  531. 531: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Are you here today?

    I want to hear your voice on here and I like it when you comment on my posts!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:17am

  532. 532: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ella. Thanks for the input. I think we are saying the same thing with different words.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:25am

  533. 533: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, if a guy expects me to ask all the questions, I just don’t do it. He can either man up or get out.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:28am

  534. 534: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee re 501:

    Thank you. Your post felt supportive to me.

    The nearest big town is about 1/2 hour drive away. It is tricky to arrange going out there as most of my friends stay local and we have to arrange taxis or someone has to drive.

    Re bringing joy into my life, apart from the RR tools I am also building up a business doing someting I love and exercising a lot/shaping up which is makiung me feel really good.

    I moved back to this small town in order to be close to my family and some of my close friends which also makes me feel happy.

    Actually today I feel mostly good with just the occasional tinge of sadness.

    I feel as though I miss MR Feel good however this is not likely to be really about him as I was only dating him for 1 week.

    So it could vbe interesting for me to explore why I feel like I am missing someone/something and how I can heal those feelings within myself.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:29am

  535. 535: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, so sorry to hear about what happened with your guy. :(

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:31am

  536. 536: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Bella – tell him straight out in a private message and “unfriend” him. Love, rori

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:32am

  537. 537: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lucy,

    It feels nice to be seen and I like different ways to express things.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:33am

  538. 538: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Flora – TALK to him! Ask him what’s wrong, what happened, and if he just needs time – and work on YOUR openness and warmth! Love, Rori

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:36am

  539. 539: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I know how you feel. When men do things that are horrible it feels bad. I am feeling horrible this morning.
    After a totally great weekend with my main CD man he had a total meltdown last night. We had pulled up in front of my house after a nice dinner out at his son’s place and he started talking about how some women for the last five months while we have been dating is stalking him and calling him all the time. I am like WTF? He was the one who goes nutbag jealous if I date others in a cd. He had been talking all evening about the stuff his ex wife had done as far as how she cheated on him and that was eleven years ago.

    I told him I didn’t like really him bringing up all his shit about old girlfriends and ex wife all the time. And I mentioned that I knew another man who still had feelings for me and wanted a relationship with me but I gave all that up for him because of his fears and he went nuts. He was calling me a lier and brought up a bunch of things that was not relevant and used them to hurt me and was screaming and in my face and it was so bad I slapped him because he was being verbally abusive basically. It was horrible I have not had a situation like that in so long I can’t remember the last time I got so angry I slapped a man for behaving like an asshole.

    He left and said he was never coming back because I am “just a lier and I lied to him”. Wow. THe guy obviously has huge issues over infidelity that he has hung on to and is still after all these years super angry over them. It felt so bad I could not sleep and I really don’t think he is a man who would be good for me carrying around all that shit, anger and baggage. He has done this (attacked me and blown up like a volcano) four times time. Thia lat one being the worst. I am done. I can not trust him to act normal and therefore I am not safe around him. The next time I get a phone call from a male friend or something he thinks even appears to be “cheating” he will go off and I won’t be safe anymore.

    Your question Dorethea of “What’s wrong with this man?” Yes indeed. What IS wrong with them when they do things that are harmful and hurtful to us. Well it’s not about us-it’s about them. Your li is clueless and/or toxic and does not give a darn. Mine apparently is too. And what makes it so awful is that we got along great in a thousand ways and now this.
    Like out of nowhere a violent storm comes through and it’s over. Just like that. I am in shock somewhat. I thought this guy once I stopped dating others would calm down and not freak out so. But he did not-the slightest mention of another man and he’s nuts. That kind of insane jealousy can not stand. That is an old wound he has not healed. It just keeps coming up and he can’t let the past go and I am paying for it with his anger.

    It blows my mind. It makes me feel so beat up and wounded from his attack. But I can not be with a man like that. So I have to move on. No wonder Rori say don’t commit to them before they put a ring on your finger. Look what happened. I decided to let myself be his girlfriend and he abuses me almost with in a week’s time. I feel used and abused. I feel like once again I am never going to find any one right for me. I feel like giving up right now. On all of it. It’s just horrible. Dating right now just feels horrible.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:36am

  540. 540: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I suppose that if you have enough guys streaming in to do your CD-ing and have at least 3 in your rotation then why not choose the ones you like best?”

    Truth is, we are eventually going to have to choose the ONE we like best. :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:38am

  541. 541: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i guess i dont have to dump him. i could tell him not to do that ever again. i dunno. i feel scared that i told him to eff off forever.

    sometimes i feel like i have to tell him how to act like a man and it makes me sick. i do not like it.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:42am

  542. 542: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Turtle Girl! :( So sorry for your bad weekend.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:43am

  543. 543: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ Honey says:

    So I try to screen up front carefully. This usually doesn’t put guys off…in some ways, I think it increases my desirabiliy factor…

    Hi Honey,

    Could you give a glimpse into your screening process?

    Thanks much.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:46am

  544. 544: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    tell him not to ever listen to you again?
    tell him not to respect your wishes again?
    tell him not to let you get out of his car again?
    – I feel bratty when I demand something, get it, then complain and villify the person who gave it to-and chastise them for not “knowing better” than to listen to me. . . . insisting on walking through the ghetto at night if my man is driving would feel like overfunctioning to me….and taking the oars out of his hands to row the boat myself.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:47am

  545. 545: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    re 512 and 519

    I wouldn’t do/say anything. That is his job. Remember about leaning back.

    If he doesn’t ask questions or initiate then it won’t go anywhere… Don’t take up the slack.

    I think it is similar to what Rori talks about when she says about being on a date and if there is a slack in the conversation to just let it be… don’t pick it up…

    Out girl him! And if he does keep in contact and the lack of questions bothers you you could try something like “Ow, I feel uncomfortable”

    He says “why”

    and you say “well I feel uncomfortable because there is a lot I would to like share with you and I do not feel I am being given an opporunity as we seem to be talking about you rather a lot. I feel more confortable when a guy asks me questions about me as well!”

    What do you think?

    Re the other guy who didn’t call after you slept together. Well for me I simply do not have that expectation about a guy calling me the next day so it wouldn’t have bothered me one bit that he called a few days later. That is just me…

    UNLESS he had been calling every day before we slept together. Then I might feel a little weird but I would still be open when he did contact and would express that I felt weird.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:47am

  546. 546: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    nikita, the truth is i want him to worry about my safety even if i am being a brat.

    i’m a brat to the max 😀

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:49am

  547. 547: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee re 523

    You could try getting out of the text and into person face to face meeting and then see how you feel in his presence. Maybe he is one of those people who saves the ‘getting to know’ each other for face to face. And just uses texts for making arrangements.

    What do you think?

    Also, if you do not ask him any questions then the convo will stall won’t it? Because no one will be asking anyone anyhing. If it was mw I would let this happen.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:52am

  548. 548: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I meant if it was ME! Lol

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:53am

  549. 549: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb, I just took a fb quiz “What city should you settle down in?” and my result was Gold Coast- Australia.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:56am

  550. 550: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Re the other guy who didn’t call after you slept together. Well for me I simply do not have that expectation about a guy calling me the next day so it wouldn’t have bothered me one bit that he called a few days later. That is just me…”

    Me too.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:58am

  551. 551: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “nikita, the truth is i want him to worry about my safety even if i am being a brat.”

    Me too.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:59am

  552. 552: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    then you might click with someone more controlling. Maybe a sugar daddy-lol!!!! who spanks you, I don’t know that a man will tolerate repeated scenes like that. I’d bet an Aries would put his foot down and ignore the tantrum to drive you home but I doubt he’d call the next day….and if this tantruming was frequent he’d probably let you walk-to teach you a lesson about manners and respecting a man…….inspiring you to call and apologize/beg to be “rescued” from your own dangerous appetites…..(walking in the ghetto from excessive pride and independence)-

    I’m on your side-
    but would you re-enact that exchange if you were married with your children in the backseat?, or could you lean back until you got home and express your feelings once you were safely home?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:00am

  553. 553: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey, I was joking about “leading him on” by a first date (the fb college guy). :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:01am

  554. 554: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    LI is an aries.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:10am

  555. 555: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    this all feels very confusing but i feel open to what ur saying miss N.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:12am

  556. 556: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I would tell him how you feel about what happened. Even if just for practice and then see how you feel after and then decide whether you feel safe enough to keep dating him.

    I can see how his actions would make you feel upset and unsafe.

    Also, I guess there is a lesson there for you about not getting out of the car in a bad neighbourhood. I have done similar things myself in the past and now I aim not to put myself in dangerous situations.

    However it can be hard when you are really mad at a guy and just want to leave. I just want you to be safe!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:18am

  557. 557: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Uh-oh lost my post.

    @523: Renee says:
    “…As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m never sure what to do with this kind of man…a lot of the ones who are very successful seem like this, though…they seem to think they’re the fascinating ones and that we should have to try to win them over. …”

    I think “I’M” the fascinating one… 😆 So I’d like to have a light conversation about myself and see what resonates with him and the guy would do the same. I don’t want “to say” things that seem like Q&A or an interview. I hope we resonate and then have a date.

    I was asking you if you, I, anyone, had to “say something” more than…the kind of things I’d say when meeting somebody at a party. If they want to know more, we have a date.

    Maybe I’m far off the “way to do” the dating routine. I asked Honey about “screening” and I hope I get some tips. I’m sure you have “screening tips” too. How does that usually work for you?

    I’ve never online dated and never had large numbers of guys requiring me to cut a swath through the herd!

    Or…be cut out either… Still learning.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:19am

  558. 558: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    this is what i know
    i know i can have a bit of a tantrum at times, especially right before my period. but i still want my man to be concerned about my safety.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:19am

  559. 559: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel Sorry to hear about your fight and that you are having a roough time of it right now.

    How are YOU feeling now?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:20am

  560. 560: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry about the bold. My laptop has suddenly gotten trigger finger…maybe it’s me…losing posts or submitting before I’m finished correcting my typos.

    LOL My laptop gets “triggered” 😆 She’s a girl too…I call her “Bibi.”


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:24am

  561. 561: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I have gotten upset like that in a car, too (with ex-h) — sometimes with my kids in the backseat — and it’s like I HAVE to get out or I’m gonna smack him — it’s like the walk-away — and I have to get out and walk off the adrenaline….

    but he didn’t drive off and leave me on the side of the interstate…

    He waited until I had calmed down enough to get back in the car.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:25am

  562. 562: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita re 552 –

    Hmmm, I like this post. It feels like some truth in general about how we handle our emotions… and choosing how we express and our words…

    Dorothea I am not refering to your situation specifically as I do not know all the details.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:25am

  563. 563: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone have an opinion on my pos 500?

    I know it is a very long post (sorry for that) and I would really appreciate some input/opinions…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:28am

  564. 564: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad. Thanks for asking. I feel lonely and beat up and sad and horrible. I feel abused. I feel I made a bad choice by dating him. I am angry at myself. I feel like my picker is broken no matter what I do. I feel like he did not respect me and my boundaries. I feel disrespected. That is always how it feels when he blows up like this. I feel totally disrespected. I feel victim and giving up. I feel like useless and giving up.
    I feel like this is too much work. I feel frustrated with men. I feel weak. I feel strong. Both at the same time.

    Dorothea my LI/cd (well ex cd man now) is an Aries. Strange.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:29am

  565. 565: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ll check out your post Ella….

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:29am

  566. 566: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    turtle girl,
    i am really sorry to hear about you and the guy last night.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:32am

  567. 567: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy #553


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:37am

  568. 568: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella – As Rori would say, you’ve got this.

    “I guess that I feel he is not stepping up right now… for whatever reason – the ex or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that right now he is not stepping up for me in the way I need my men to. So for now he is going to be slung up on the back of my horse. So that I don’t get stuck on this.”


    “And it feels good to know I will not take crumbs or ‘compete’ with the ex. I want more from my men/man. I want to feel loved and happy and that is what I am moving towards always.”

    You’ve got it. Maybe it still feels kinda bad, but just keep feeling your feelings and ride on. <3

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:37am

  569. 569: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling my anger and confusion morph into guilt and shame and regret. and fear.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:40am

  570. 570: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Honey. :)

    I messaged him back and said “Sure, I would love to get together with you sometime — I could use help with my Italian pronunciation. Hehe. :D”

    (Italian swears that he is teaching me lol)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:43am

  571. 571: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel that I want to text him… and say something… but I am not really sure what.

    Something about that I get that he is working through some stuff and that is ok. That I do like him however there is no pressure from me…

    However EVEN just writing about that option makes me feel uncomfortable.

    It would be leaning forward totally wouldn’t it and also doing/controlling, masculine energy.

    And I wonder why I feel an urge to TELL him this stuff… I do not really need to tell him anything. He is not coming forward at me right now… and he KNOWS he can deal with his issues… He does not need my permission for this! And I am not putting any pressure on, so no need to say this… he can see this!

    And yet I still have that nagging NV that says ‘he might not know tha you like him!’…. I hear you NV but I do not believe that is the truth. I told him last night that I felt happy spending time with him and felt disappointed when he hadn’t been in touch…

    I think I want to contact him because I want to control the outcome… I want to see him again! Hmmm, naughty me!

    I feel naughty!

    Siren’s please help me stay strong not to text him and to remain leaning back… this i the best thing isn’t it?

    Owww, I have a doubtful NV today!!

    Why do my men keep not calling recently… ? Seems a pattern with me and my guys right now! Maybe there is a message here for me.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:44am

  572. 572: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:45am

  573. 573: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel you. I do. In a car situation I will move to the backseat and take a nap or cry or pout-that is how I “walk away” when I feel trapped, overwhelmed, and furious- but I “hold onto myself” by staying in the car until we both can cool off (as a non-smoker I don’t rage as much as I did when I smoked so this is no longer an issue :) )

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:50am

  574. 574: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks. Yes does still feel a bit bad in placs and I am still processing… But I guess I do have it… well I do…

    I just also have some resistance and want to see him again! Yes – that is the truth. I know what to do and I am feeling resistant to doing it! Lol.

    Grrrr, sometimes it is so hard not to lean forward and to trust that what we need will come…

    I feel frustrated… I want to be in control..

    Grrr, feel cros…

    Just working through stuff really.

    But I must remember how horrible it feels to overfunction.

    I guess I just really like him and want to spend more time with him and at the moment it is not looking like that will happen!

    And I feel sad/disappointed.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:50am

  575. 575: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella, don’t text him.

    Or do text him.

    Your choice.

    Texting him with attachment to the outcome would, yes, be leaning forward, masculine energy.

    Any idea what the message for you might be with these situations?

    I say to myself, “I wonder what the message is….”

    and wait for it to make itself known.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:51am

  576. 576: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I guess I just really like him and want to spend more time with him and at the moment it is not looking like that will happen!

    And I feel sad/disappointed.”

    I hear ya. That’s exactly how I feel about WH. :(

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:54am

  577. 577: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @564 Turtle Girl

    Sorry you are feeling less good. I know that every day we get is good but some are indeed “less good.” You are still on your horse, even if the horse has stopped by the path to graze a bit. You’ll be moving on shortly…maybe take a break a pick and a few flowers on the path…just for you… 😀 Don’t give up.

    That guy might not be the one but even if you get married that is no guarantee that there will not be blow ups. Some happy couples I know with good marriages have a blow up every now and then. Maybe in Rori world doesn’t happen, I don’t know.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:12pm

  578. 578: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone know what the ‘relaxing’ and ‘open heart tools’ are and which programme they are in?

    I often feel I need a way to relax after processing and riffing on here as I get quite uptight sometimes feeling my emtions come pouring out

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:12pm

  579. 579: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, those are all great alternatives to getting out of the car. thx

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:13pm

  580. 580: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, where can I read about WH on here?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:13pm

  581. 581: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ella, sometimes i just drop to my knees when i have an intense feeling and just feel the f*ck out of it until i suddenly feel bored with it and i go about my life.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:14pm

  582. 582: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Halloween Sirens!

    I am feeling very magical and spooky today!


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:15pm

  583. 583: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – I like that. I am going to try it with my next intense feeling!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:17pm

  584. 584: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel mad at me right now. Mad that I become a girlfriend and as soon as I did he abused that privilege.
    I am angry at men right now.
    I feel hate for them right now.
    I feel hate for him that he attacked me and did not care for me in a loving way. I feel angry that he is taking out his unresolved issues from his ex cheating on him and used me for a punching bag. I am paying for his old wounds. I feel sad, but really pissed off that he is such as ass as to do this. What is the message?

    These are me learning my boundaries I suppose. There is a mirror here somewhere.
    I am frustrated this is so hard. I am angry this takes so much time and trouble. I hate this. I hate feeling like nothing I do is right. I hate feeling like I have to defend myself. I don’t like defending myself to a man. I don’t want to defend myself to a man. I dont want to convince him that I won’t cheat on him. I dont like dealing with his stuff. I don’t like making him the prize. I don’t like feeling like the price for my boundaries is not having a man around. THAT is what this feels like. I pay a price for defending myself. I pay a price for being a boy for my girl.

    He won’t treat me well so I have to. I have to stick up for me. I want someone to fight for me not beat me up. I want a man who is a champion and in my corner instead of beating me up for his sickness.

    I want a man who is healthy mentally and emotionally. Not angry. I don’t want an angry man. I don’t want a man who attacks me. I don’t want a man who abuses me this way.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:19pm

  585. 585: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @579: Dorothea says:

    “Nikita, those are all great alternatives to getting out of the car. thx”

    Those are great ideas! So you will probably not get out of the car the next time…but since you did you’ve had an opportunity to observe your guy–not very strong, not a gentleman–if that’s important to you. If he knew better and was smoother, he’d have driven alongside you until you got back inside the car.


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:26pm

  586. 586: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ow, I just realised I feel really proud of myself because when he (Mr Feelgood) told me that he was dealing with some sh*t and that he didn’t want to talk about it I totally accepted that. I did not ask anymore questions and I let him walk away to stand with this friends.

    There are many women who wouldn’t have leant back like this…

    And then he ended up coming to me to tell me anyway! That feels good.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:28pm

  587. 587: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    I agree and I have had a guy who has done that with me before ie driven alomg beside me while I have walked and cooled off.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:32pm

  588. 588: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I disagree….my experience with ghettos in California-or some major metros is that driving slow-or creeping through a ghetto could attract a lot of unwanted attention…..

    I just don’t want to attack the guy. I don’t want to be with a man that has no boundaries. I understand the gentleman thing to do would be more cinematic-driving slow and begging the girl to please get in the car—-but isn’t that just drama? at some point we can stop co-signing one another’s b.s. by enabling/reinforcing these behaviors,
    IMO….and experience….

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:39pm

  589. 589: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    “The first step we did in this letter was to
    become aware of all the voices in your head – the
    ones that tell you that you CAN have what you
    want, and that you deserve it, and the one’s who
    tell you – “Who are you kidding?”

    The next step was to choose the voice that
    made you feel the best. That means, if a Mr.
    Gorgeous shows up suddenly, or the man you’re
    dating doesn’t call for days, or your husband
    ignores you for hours on end, you have a choice.

    You can choose to think that Mr. Gorgeous will
    find you gorgeous, too, or you can believe he’ll
    walk on by. You can choose to think that you
    deserve phone calls and contact and he’s proving
    HIMSELF not worthy of you, or you can believe you
    don’t deserve better treatment.

    You can choose to think that your husband is
    going through his own thing that has nothing to
    do with you, and that if you just hang back and
    focus on yourself, he’ll come to you, or you can
    believe that you have to jump all over him in
    order to get what you want.”

    Just found the above in one of Rori’s e-mails and it really fits my situation right now…

    Useful. :-)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:39pm

  590. 590: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i agree with both of you equally. i feel confused.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 12:49pm

  591. 591: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella, the story of WH is in bits and pieces all over the blog. Sorry. Synopsis: We had the best date in the history of the world — long drive to the beach together and the date lasted several hours doing all kinds of fun stuff and ended with a long luscious kiss — and I fell in love —

    but he told me later in an email that even though “we are great together” and “I am attracted to you physically and personality” —

    the fact that I am not a drinker would be a problem for him in the long run because his ex-wife stopped drinking halfway through their marriage and it became a big issue for them. So he felt it would be wrong to continue to pursue me.

    We’ve been in touch a bit since then, but he’s not pursuing anything further. It’s been over a month now since I’ve heard from him.

    But what you just posted from Rori is very interesting to me right now… I just finished going through old texts to clean up my phone (not just from him), and seeing one of his texts from before we met made me smile:

    “Some day you’ll realize you should date d____ in de.” (him)

    So, maybe the thought that would feel good to me right now is:

    Some day he’ll realize he should date Lucy in ____.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:13pm

  592. 592: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I see that he respects your wishes/desires…because when you asked him to come back…..he did. Despite any macho pride-he was ready to protect but him speeding off after you were home…is HiS STUFF- he had a rough night with his girl 😉

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:13pm

  593. 593: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I just realised something else too… last night Mr Feel good offered me a crumb… and I said no. Which means that I think I am worth more than that.

    And that feels good.

    There is a bit right at the end of the night where my memory is a bit foggy (I had had a few glasses of wine by then) and we were outside, and I can’t remember if I was re-considering going back with him.

    The reason I am not sure is because I remember him saying ‘you go back inside’ and then I did. Maybe not the best goodbye, I wish I had just stayed and allowed him to say goodbye to me properly, however I was feeling a bit insecure about his intentions towards me because of all the stuff about his ex. And I remembered that ‘a Diva walks away’ so I did that.

    And I feel good that I did not go back with him, as that would have been rewarding him not stepping up… crumb taking.

    And I don’t do that anymore. So this feels like good progress.

    I sitll have that thing in me where I want to do things perfectly… but I must remember baby steps to ease the pressure I put on myself.

    I feel a bit stressed. Think I will do some ironing for a bit to calm down…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:15pm

  594. 594: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I do vacuuming to calm down. :)

    I think you are doing great, Ella, and it’s great that you recognize your own progress.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:19pm

  595. 595: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Ella 500

    I feel happy reading your post
    That’s the way, dignified and cool .


    You analyzed it yourself beautifully as always, so you KNOW you should not text him
    You acted like a princess at the bar, he is impressed, no matter what next.
    You have the power but you are afraid to believe it is so.
    Trust yourself, it is true, you have the power. You found it back from inside you, hold on it now.
    You showed him you are not the bitter resentful type of girl.
    You told him you were happy to see him. He knows he will be welcome if he contacts you
    You acted detached, you acted with elegance
    All this rises your attractiveness factor.
    Don’t ruin it
    He knows if he needs to see you or not.
    If he needs it, nothing will stop him from seeing you. You don’t need to show him the way to his own feelings.

    If he is still into his ex, he can’t be into you.
    If he is not into you, he can’t create the relationship you need. He can date around, at the most.
    If he is into you, he is dropping his ex, and nothing will stop him from reaching you when all is clear.

    You are doing splendidly. I love it

    How about pretending you are writing to him on here? Don’t know, could ease the feeling of emergency a little?
    Or do you feel better?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:20pm

  596. 596: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe I should carry a vacuum with me always so I can whip it out if I get into a tense sitch with a guy while we’re in a car. 😉

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:22pm

  597. 597: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum, you rock as usual.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:23pm

  598. 598: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    haha that’s cute lucy..
    grrrr i am so mad where is my dirt devil!?!?!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:31pm

  599. 599: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, he might end up with a really clean car!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:33pm

  600. 600: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel proud of myself. I made a commitment to lose 10 pounds by Christmas, and as of this morning I am halfway there. Yay me! :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:34pm

  601. 601: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita 217

    Thanks for the link Nikita, that was powerful.

    Have you heard of this

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:38pm

  602. 602: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    483: Brenda says:


    RE: #274 – Thank you very much for taking the time to break down my situation. Sometimes your words are hard to swallow, and I know you mean well.

    All in all, you hit the nail on the head. I still think she was too harsh, and it didn’t help. But you are right, I accept her as being human and losing patience now and then, etc .Thanks again!”””””””””

    The soup from a witch cauldron is always hard to swallow. It looks like witch staff, tastes like witch staff. Not everybody can swallow. It takes a minimum of guts to digest it :)

    My birthday today :)
    Long live the Witch
    he he he

    I am happy you and Franny sorted things out

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:40pm

  603. 603: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita 217

    Thanks for the link Nikita, that was powerful.

    Have you heard of this

    (My post with 3 links is stuck in moderation, so I am breaking it into 3 posts.)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:43pm

  604. 604: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita 217

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:44pm

  605. 605: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita 217

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:44pm

  606. 606: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:


    What if your son comes back to Australia next year?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:48pm

  607. 607: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Birthday Loneplum! :-)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:54pm

  608. 608: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy 596

    They make small vacuum cleaners for cars lol
    I won’t see them the same way now. lol lol

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 1:55pm

  609. 609: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Birthday Lone Plum!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:04pm

  610. 610: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – I was reading up in the posts and I saw yours about me and I want to say Thank You.

    HUGS I feel really supported thanks.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:05pm

  611. 611: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Girl effect

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:07pm

  612. 612: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ella and Thank you Daria :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:11pm

  613. 613: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone

    OOOOh, I feel really angry with geeky(Asperger’s) guy who I had a museum date with last weekend.

    At the end of the date, as we were parting, he said something about getting together, maybe he could phone, and I said “Yes, call me.”

    Then during the week a really muddled email saying he wanted to phone, wanted to ask me out, but felt uncertain, nervous and unsure.

    I replied with a few feeling messages about how I was open to meeting up again, but also felt uncomfortable and tense by hearing all the doubts and uncertainty. And that I feel feminine and more relaxed when the man takes charge with confidence.

    Now I have an email that I feel really angry about. I feel blamed by him, for not stepping up at the end of the date. I did say “Call me, ” actually, but now I have this and he’s referring to the date, I think, not to the email I sent, as far as I can tell….

    “The problem I had was that, in my (limited) experience, me having to ask at the last second, just as we were about to head our separate ways, whether I could ring you again (after clumsily getting the question the wrong way round moments before) was not a particularly good sign. I didn’t get to my age being terminally single by being confident about asking women out – but a little encouragement goes a long way and it would have made a world of difference if you’d said I could contact you again without me asking. But I’m probably guilty of over analysing things – I do tend to do that!”

    Yuk, Yuk, Yuk, I feel blamed for not giving him reassurance !!! I AM being blamed for not stepping up. AAArgh. I don’t want this to continue. I was just practicing going on being open to a man, who I didn’t feel wild about anyway.

    I don’t want to be open anymore to him. I don’t want to be phoned by him. I don’t want this to go any further. He’s going to get an “I’m feeling drained and annoyed” message, once I’ve riffed a bit and emptied the email of swearwords before sending.

    And I’m still confused. Rori stresses SO MUCH that we stay open, don’t close our hearts to any man, and do feeling messages.

    A few of you, including Honey, were talking earlier on this thread about screening men out. This is going to sound very odd to many of you, but I don’t understand how to screen them out while remaining open . . There’s something I’m not getting here.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:15pm

  614. 614: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    On the plus side, I had a good-ish phone contact with another online man this evening, and we have a date for next Saturday. This is progress for me – the most normal sounding online man so far!!!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:18pm

  615. 615: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl – that sux! yes, i think if they are pressing for commitment in a whiny way instead of stepping up its a red flaggy

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  616. 616: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s also good that this anger in him comes up (to be healed) but NOT so cool that he’s attacking you with it – that won’t help it heal.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:19pm

  617. 617: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – they screen themselves out … don’t worry

    you just let them know you feel angry and annoyed… and weak ones screen themselves otu

    trust me they do

    i had one screen himself out last week and i didn’t even share the weird drain feeling with him (cuz i had other feelings too)… and he still disappeared


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:23pm

  618. 618: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria

    So I’m putting together a little message like this, though maybe first sentence is too defensive and ‘explaining’:

    “Dear X
    Funnily, enough, when we parted company after meeting last weekend, I remember you saying you’d call, and I’m pretty sure I ended by saying, “Yes, phone me!” or similar.

    But now I feel blamed for not being forward enough. I feel annoyed, and I don’t want to feel like this. What do you think?”

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:29pm

  619. 619: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum @ 595 – yes good idea. Here is my lettter to him:

    Dear Mr Feelgood.

    I don’t know you very well yet, however when I have spent time with you I have felt so good and so happy. I have really enjoyed myself.

    I feel afraid that we will not have the chance to explore this further.

    I want you to know that I appreciate your honesty in telling me the situation and I understand how confused you might be feeling, because I know how confused I would be if my ex turned back up saying that stuff to me.

    On the one hand I do not want to put ay pressure on this by demanding anything, and I won’t. However, on the other hand there is a side of me which wants to be demanding and just wants you to be into me, and no questions about whether you still like your ex because you like me.

    I know that this may not be very realistic as you two were together a long time and lived together. However I would like it if what is starting to blossom between us is special enough to outdo what you had with her. I feel slightly rejected.

    And I feel sad because it feels like the blossoming has been cut short… or maybe this is just a glitch. I feel lonely because you are not available to talk to me about this at the moment. I know you are sorting through some stuff and this is a good chance for me to pracice being patient and focusing on me!

    I feel unworthy when I think that you prefer another woman to me, even though this thing between us is so new.

    I love spending time with you, I feel so alive, and I am frightened of not feeling that with anyone else or of you not feeling the same, especially since you have withdrawn a little since the business with your ex came up.

    Before this happened I felt sure sure in your feelings towards me and that felt good.

    I do not want to get too attached to you right now – I do not wnat to out that pressure on thing that we have and this would not feel good to me. So what I need to do right now is re-focus just on me and doing things to make myself feel good and strong.

    However I want you to know that your are welcome here with me. I do not want to feel that I am waiting on you, that would feel icky and so I won’t do it, however I want to remain open to you and if you can stay in contact and maybe keep communicating with me that would help me to do this.

    Well I feel like I have some expectatations and I guess that is not fair however what I am really trying to say is that I have a nice time with you and I hope that you feel the same. I would like the chance to explore this attraction and see where it leads and it would feel good to have some more dates together.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:35pm

  620. 620: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – to shrinnk the waistline -actually the ribcage above too – specifically I do

    T-tapp Twist move from T-tapp.

    but it’s recommended to only be done with Primary Back Stretch also from T-tapp

    this is a magic type of workout/stretch

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:35pm

  621. 621: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – yes, drop the first line… maybe wait and don’t say anything at all for awhile

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:36pm

  622. 622: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    “wow this feels bad to hear… I feel blamed… and honestly, turned off… I don’t want to feel this way.. what do you think?”

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:37pm

  623. 623: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Ciao e buongiorno suave ragazza”

    What’s that mean, please.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:37pm

  624. 624: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    There that is exactly what I would like to say to him if I had the chance and I was feeling very brave, lol.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:40pm

  625. 625: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    “wow this feels bad to hear.. I feel angry… I feel uncomfortable hearing that I should be more encouraging… I feel kinda blamed and I don’t want a man that is afraid to pursue me on his own… I felt good on our date… and now… the truth is im feeling quite a bit turned off… I don’t want to feel this way… what do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:40pm

  626. 626: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – hello and good day sweet miss/lady

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:41pm

  627. 627: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:


    It means, “Hi and hello (literally ‘good day’) suave girl.” I only have basic Italian, but suave is the English spelling – in Italian I think it would be ‘soave’ – but same meaning.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:42pm

  628. 628: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #605 Lone Plum

    It’s not about my son, because our kids can go and live anywhere at any time, that was just a shock I suppose.

    This is about me and how I just don’t fit…..never have, never will, and believe me I have tried.

    I am a square peg in a round hole and I am uncomfortable with it every day………some days more than others, some days less……….

    I think all this feeling stuff has brought up so much for me that has been repressed for many years. I have stopped stuffing down the feelings.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:45pm

  629. 629: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, translators.

    Happy Birthday, Loneplum!!!

    Love your letter, Ella. Did it feel good to get it out?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:50pm

  630. 630: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oww, I feel like has all just shifted.

    Like I know my life is great and will be whether or not he is in it!

    And any man is very lucky to have my time and attention and therefore must treat me like a queen!

    He is ok but he is just one man. I am the supreme female. I am a Siren! I have Siren powers and magc! He is lucky that I even look at him and my love feels good.

    I have such a good life now.

    And the other day I think that thing happened to me, just briefly, where my energy dropped down into my vagina. It felt amazing! Really stable and good and tingly. I want to feel that again.

    I am a Godess.

    I deserve to be teated really well and worshipped and I was brave to go to the pub despite my fears of being witch hunted. So I am strong.

    I am a strong, beautiful and mystical creature! I am a Siren! And it feels good.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:53pm

  631. 631: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mai – thanks hehe! maybe we can collaborate on it… I will see if I find myself writing it… you can write me at my email at

    sometimes i forget to check that e-mail lol but i will eventually

    or you can address me on my blog by clicking my name

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:54pm

  632. 632: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    In a way, it’s easier to do the feeling messages about anger, feeling turned off, etc by email… But I dread having to do them in person or even on the phone.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 2:59pm

  633. 633: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mai – I get sleepy tired working out when I haven’t been feeding myself enough…

    something i was blessed with last week was that it got thru to me from this CD messenger to

    Eat Breakfast – within 30 min of waking up
    a protein and a carb

    this has made a huge difference for my energy throughout the day


    for working out, make sure you are eating enough Protein (not just right before the workout)… if you do eat animal stuff…

    Eggs (organic) are a very natural and happy for my body type of protein to eat

    also the carbs help with endurance

    a Tropical yam (scientific Dioscorea) i heard is is great (its alos estrogenic) but even sweet potatoes, or potatoes will do the trick (sweet potato scientific Batata)

    i think a breakfast in general should help…

    then immediately after workout, eat another protein thing (a shake of whey protein, or 2 eggs, a piece of fish etc)

    ohhh its time for My protein hehe ( i have some 20 min after breakfast cuz i dont want to lose wiehgt)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:04pm

  634. 634: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, yes it did! Lol. I feel much calmer now!

    I feel like a blog hog today! But it all just keeps pouring out. Sunday is definitely my day for blogging and working through feelings…

    I feel grateful for this blog and I love my feelings and the chance to work through them! Yipee I love my feelings! :-) xx

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:06pm

  635. 635: PassionatelyPiscesNo Gravatar says:

    Wow–just since last night there are so many posts to read and catch up on! I see, very clearly, how easily this becomes addicting (and time-consuming!) :)

    Lucy–I see where you are attracted to Marshall’s character. He’s kind, decent, MARRIED and loves it, he’s good to Lily, would never think of cheating, etc. And Ted IS a cutie (although they are all way too young for me!) :p

    So I wonder what it says about me that I like Barney’s character…? I don’t feel attracted to him or anything—I guess I mean that he makes me laugh because he is SO ridiculous and–“wait for it”–SO obvious!! And so serious about how “cool” he thinks he is is–when he’s really the bad-boy, UNavailable player (as we saw when he fell in love with Robin.) I was really hoping they’d get together and that he might change. A thump on the head to me! :( (And yes, I’ve seen the “slutty pumpkin” episode. Funny stuff!)

    Honey–I totally get what you mean about kissing. It means a lot to me also—but it’s not any indication of whether he’s a stand-up guy or not and I think you can find a way to work on that with him 😉 I also know what you mean about being easily orgasmic. I have a VERY vivid and active imagination–and if I think about the right stuff for long enough, I can orgasm without any touching anywhere. Gina Ogden, PhD calls it “thinking off” (She’s written two books on womens’ sexuality. One is “Women Who Love Sex” and the other is “The Heart and Soul of Sex”) The most mind-blowing orgasms I have are from getting very, very aroused (sometimes right on the edge of climaxing) and then stopping–and doing that over and over and over. Whether you’re self-pleasuring or with a partner, it’s lots of fun and the orgasms are UNbelieveable! Those kind really show where the expression ‘petite mort’ (french for ‘little death) comes from!! (Wow…I’m getting really sassy, here.)

    When the presssure is on (like when you’re “in bed” and feeling like he’s ‘waiting for you’ to have one) it takes all the sizzle out of it. I also always wonder if it’s because he really wants to please, or if it’s an ego thing on his part. I definitely wouldn’t tell your guy about your spontaneous little secret while you were kissing 😉

    And about them putting your hand on their_______, I think when we’re especially sensual kissers that they, sometimes, get a little selfish and wonder how it would feel to have us ‘kiss’ something else. ALSO–if we are face to face (standing up and not sitting adjacent to one another in a car, etc.) there would be body contact and we would feel their______, without anybody having to move our hand. And I think they do want us to know how aroused they are. (And as they get older—that it still “works!” :)

    Even though I ‘understand’ this, I still think it’s rather forward/rude of them to assume we want to touch right away just because we’re kissing. I suppose we are confusing, at times….but it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to have our boundaries respected.

    Ella, I don’t have a lot of experience with Rori’s tools yet—but I have tried some things and they work like a charm. This guy DOES know you like him and he knows how to contact you. I’m sure that leaning back is the way to go. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure that he’s trying to step up (and not leave you to wonder if he’s just being nice–or worse yet–starting to think of you as a ‘friend’ that he can talk to about his ex and all of that, which I don’t think you want to happen.)

    One of the most awesome things I’ve heard Rori talk about is how men fall in love with US–but we fall in love with ourselves in his presence. I take this to mean that this is a healthy relationship. (I think it was in Modern Siren, but I keep hearing her voice saying it in my mind…and it clears up SO many things for me.)

    I have ALWAYS fallen for the GUY. And it’s never been good for ME. It always felt like “the man crack” (can’t remember who calls it that, but it’s SO true.) And the whole “wanting to be with him all the time.” It sounds romantic and all, but again, Rori talks about really defining how the man makes us feel when we’re with him—-and when we’re NOT with him (vs. the man, himself.)

    I equate the “miserable unless I’m with him” feeling with addiction, overfunctioning, leaning forward, being NOT truly happy with my own life and the expectation that “he” is responsible for my happiness. NOT that I wouldn’t enjoy time with him, be excited to see him, etc. but that’s different than feeling miserable without him and putting life on hold because I’m waiting for him to call and can’t concentrate on anything until he does.

    I went through all of the above in all three of my relationships—-and it sucked.

    I guess that’s one of the reasons I’m fairly content being alone right now. I want to get my own life in order and feel truly happy with my own life BEFORE I meet someone. For me, I think this is the only way I’m going to have the right vibe. It’s crazy that I’ve gotten to be 50 years old and I’m finally getting this stuff. I’m thinking I have to “fall in love with me” before anyone else will.

    Dorothea—Your story of getting out of the car reminded me of my exhusband. He was mean, violent and controlling. We were driving home from a wedding reception one night and he started being verbally abusive because one of his friends asked if I’d seen his cigarettes and he accused me of flirting with this guy. (He was yelling and hitting me while he was driving) so I told him to STOP the car and I got out. Within two blocks, he turned around and opened my door and said, “You don’t even know where you are. I can’t leave you here.” So, reluctantly I got in and went home.

    I TOTALLY understand why you wanted to get out of the car. He leaves you walking in a dangerous neighborhood ALONE at night and you had to call him to come back and get you? WHAT A JERK!!! He sounds controlling and inconsiderate and NOT worthy of you. Wow…that is awful…absolutely awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

    Has anyone tried “Targeting Mr. Right” yet? I was just wondering about it.

    Peace to all….

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:12pm

  636. 636: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – when i do them in person or on the phone i speak in a calm, non blaming voice…

    just sharing with the divine masculine how im feeling… trusting that he hears how i feel and wants to know so he can adjust to make me feel even better

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:13pm

  637. 637: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mai – a man needs to be serving YOU.

    he is in a habit of doing this and not realizing that … it’s not helping your relationship…

    its as if he was to yell out “BLOWJOB” in the morning…

    sure i would love to give my husband a blowjob, but not as serving him… but as giving him back

    you’re gonna have to talk to him

    “im feel so uncomfortable bringing this up, but ive been feeling a bit weird… and it would feel much better to talk about it… I love you and I feel good with you … and I feel happy to help you out and bring you coffee in the morning… but i don’t like to be addressed as “coffee” grumpily… i feel really werid bringing it up becasue i haven’t said anything for so long… and i’m just now realizing it makes me feel a bit bad… and disconnected from you… i don’t want to feel that way with you… what do you think?”

    that can be some way to approach it… Rori would be good here

    or else, next time he does it… “Coffee”

    hey.. u know i feel weird brining this up… but… the truth is… i don’t like being talked to this way baby… it feels kinda bad to be demanded coffee… and i feel afraid to tell you that … but i dont want to feel bad or not let you know how i feel… what do you think?”

    now he may actually get angry… and thats ok just don’t tolerate attacks or anything…

    but he will hear you most likeley

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:22pm

  638. 638: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @584: Turtle Girl says:

    “…I feel mad at me right now. Mad that I become a girlfriend and as soon as I did he abused that privilege.
    I am angry at men right now.
    I feel hate for them right now….”

    Right now, I feel for hate for men too.
    Right now, I am angry at men too.

    I feel sick and I feel like throwing up. I am so angry and my body is nervous.

    I want to scream and kick somebody’s butt. But it would not help and they would not even know or feel that they had done anything, ANYTHING wrong.

    And worse, I am angry at myself. I can do something about the first four.

    Eventually I will not feel anger,
    eventually I will not feel hate.
    Eventually i will not want to kick ass
    I hope the nausea will fade first!

    The problem is feeling angry at myself. But I think that will fade too because the real problem is “life is not fair.”

    And I’m angry at myself because I cannot keep it in my mind that men do not treat women as well as they treat each other.

    To get around this I could become a BITCH. I mean a REAL bitch. Some will say I already am.

    Today I didn’t talk in feelings to three guys I just laid out the facts. As they talked about their tech solutions that one of the three could not get into his stupid little head.

    Why did I even try to help him when he asked for help???? Never again.

    Never. I will laugh!!! When his images disappear.
    WHen he’s too dumb to cover his directories or change his naming convention, I will laugh
    tee hee

    I will laugh when his PDFs have %20s and won’t show on his web sites.

    I will laugh when his responder code breaks

    I will chuckle everytime his Google Analytics comes up blank. hehehehehe

    I will ROFL 😆 when is banned for life from WF and FB


    I will laugh when all his optins bounce!!!


    I will laugh when he can’t figure out how to do a OTO

    And he had better never NEVAH write “PEACE” to me instead of saying “thank you.”

    I want to see him submerged in a nasty pool of water as he sinks for the final time!

    An online colleague no more! He is practically a stranger, a newbie.

    After I gave him the solution, he didn’t “get it” and two guys “came to the rescue” and explained the same thing I did. He thanked them, they thanked each other! and totally ignored me. Like what I wrote was in invisible ink!

    I am unseen and unheard.

    The two guys saw the same thing and just repeated what I wrote,

    the same thing

    and then all three congratulated each other!

    The only pleasure I take is the little dumb sh*t doesn’t get it…I hope he fails…

    Oh, that sounds so mean. I hope every web page he builds crashes.

    That’s two guys ! THe third, the little sh*t I won’t even count.

    Guy number four has taken a string of code for which he would have known NOTHING, unless i’d passed it to him which I did. To his credit he took the original and did a lot of work on platforms I wasn’t using. Kudos. But never mentioned to me he was doing it, OK he didn’t have to….

    And he’s done this before…
    When will I ever learn???? That’s why I’m angry at myself. He sort of pooh-poohed my suggestions and sources…

    well he’s little ears perked up about my experiments..
    aha. The source wasn’t mine anyway but I’m very, very skilled and resourceful about taking other stuff and making it work for me. My “talent”

    I’m pissed.,
    and I hate hate hate feeling pissed!

    I don’t need this sh&t.. Well, I guess I did. It was fun but more fun for the guys obviously.

    I’m still pissed but a little less so. I don’t stay angry long.

    At lease guy #4 and I are equally trading information.

    But…. he also kinda sorta gave the impression to a bunch of other people that the original code was his own. Everybody says “Wow, you’re so brilliant.”””””””

    Had I kept my mouth closed, he’d have nothing. Do I get a thanks, no!

    Venting. i guess this sounds crazy to all the sirens. it’s not about love or romance. None of these guys are dates. But i spend time online and I communicate with them that way so they are “in my life” as much as IRL friends. Just like all you ladies.

    It’s not like they are enemies. They’ll help me out. Guy #4 string code guy let me cruise his server and pull off some files out of his site index.

    In return I gave him some links to files and also I FTPed him a huge flv file so big it timed out my FTp client when i sent it. So there is give and take.

    I’m just so sick of all of them. And yes that is ALL of them in one way or another discounting what I present.


    I’m discounted. Guy number five hasn’t discounted lately and he also spent a long time sending me files too…

    but to be honest about that trade
    mine was more work because i had to create URLs for a whole bunch of stuff and he was just copying and sending somebody else’s files. But I appreciate it.

    Both guys four and five put up love songs today. Hah. They act like I’m some sort of girlie girl and
    I couldn’t know as much as they do.

    They just naturally do it!!!!

    That’s the killing part!!!!

    If i mention what they’ve done they get all “hurt feelinged”


    Guy number six is an imaginery relationship and i’d like to punch him!!!!! He’s only good for jokes and same thing, discounts my stuff.

    Although of the bunch he is the only one to recognize that the others “discount” my work.

    And now he does the same thing. Probably to annoy me since he flaked off. We are in same online course. So it’s not like he doesn’t recognize it. He’s also the smartest of the bunch–not that they all aren’t bright. They are.

    They aren’t nasty. But it just drives me crazy. I guess i’ll go talk to one of the women. Most of them are gaga about the men, except one… and me.

    I feel crazed letting myself get off course.

    I’ll vent for a while. I like the submit box. I can spend 15 minutes journaling my anger and then delete it all. Maybe I won’t this time… 😆

    So sad. I’ll survive. I want to find a CD I can talk to about computer stuff. This is is going to be so-o-o-o-o-o-o difficult.

    Maybe not, I saw some older man with username, something or other laptop…hmm maybe I’ll try him. I saw him on one of the online dating sites.

    This might be a sign….

    There are no “signs” 😯

    Could be. This could be a good thing. A real good thing.

    There must be more of those guys that want to date. But guys have a guys club and they don’t want me in it.

    I’m embarassed writing this stuff. It’s so long. Maybe i shouldn’t be embarassed, Daria writes worse.

    Was this a “riff?”

    Feels kind of good getting it out. Whew~~~

    I’m going to get a coffee now. Which is it, there was a discussion earlier on this blog.

    Does caffeine increase or decrease orgasms? I want to know.

    I’m going to get my coffee. Go watch the “love song” videos that two of the guys put up and plot how to kick their a$$es.

    Bitch. I know how…

    Also continue my computer rebuild project.

    As always gentle readers… 😆


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:44pm

  639. 639: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    PassionatelyPisces –

    Thank you for your post. What you said makes sense to me about guys and the kissing thing. It has just always been a puzzlement. The hand on the ___ is starting to make me laugh now, though…I’m gonna post it every time it happens just for the heck of it!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:45pm

  640. 640: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum –

    Happy Birthday, and may this be your best year ever!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:45pm

  641. 641: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    I hear what your Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) guy is saying a little differently due to having a son with AS and from working with kids and teens with the same.

    First, people with AS don’t read social cues very well. They have difficulty understanding subtle communication and do better when things are explained in a concrete manner. He sounds unsure of how to proceed with you or if that would even be welcome. Since he cannot “read” you well, he has to ask, which is very uncomfortable for him because he risks rejection, and has probably faced a lot of rejection his entire life for misreading cues. If I were his therapist, I would tell him that he is doing a great job expressing his needs. He is letting you know directly what helps him in a relationship so he can treat you appropriately. If this is something you don’t want to deal with, as a mother and therapist of people with AS, just let him go now. If his concreteness and needing occassional explanations is something you can deal with, and it is worth the tradeoff to have someone intelligent and loyal, then you might consider reading up on AS.

    Just my two cents worth. What do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:54pm

  642. 642: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – love your Riff! hehe

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 3:57pm

  643. 643: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Honey – i think you may be triggered a little bit because of thinking of your son having Asperger’s.

    I don’t think Lorelei even knows that he has this diagnosed, she just got that impression. And I don’t think Any condition is an “excuse” from doing a man’s job of taking care of her feelings. The best she can do is be honest with him, so he can adjust his behavior… not tolerate behavior that doesn’t feel good. If he does have a condition that makes it hard for him… he benefits EVEN MORE from her letting him clearly know how she feels and what Doesn’t fele good to her… without overcompensating him and keeping him stuck in that same pattern.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:06pm

  644. 644: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im feeling pist and werid becasue Italian guy is turning me off!!

    he STILL hasnt kissed me, and very much doest much touch me

    he makes lame jokes, or says stuff that’s supposed to “seem cool” like… oh i bet he thought i was an alpha male, or… who doesnt want to see an italian guy with his shirt off…

    or… i told him i thought i had an orgasm (Honey, yay i think i had one doing a Chi Gong exercise with him)

    and he’s like yeah i could tell by your face…

    all these little mentions make me cringe inside and feel ickly… so far i havent gotten to the poin where i could clearly identify what i was feeling to say it non blamingly


    and then tonite he texts me… hey just a quick q… are you attracted to me

    i wrote back

    lol… yes a lil bit

    and he writes

    ohok just a lil bit

    EWW i was hoping he WOULDNT write that


    ~~~ liek two dates ago he asked me what would i say if he told me he feels like kissing me ~~~

    i mean… i feel weird being asked that…

    last date he didnt even come out the car to give me a hug

    im feeling kinda uncomfortable that he’s not stepping up

    and i feel uncomfortable sharing this?

    help anyone?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:12pm

  645. 645: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Need some help…
    A man invited me for lunch tomorrow. He asked where I would like to go. I said – “I’ll feel comfortable with where you decide. I got the following back:
    ” You are being too gracious. And, I’m feeling like I’m driving the bus…
    Really, I am very open to so many different experiences and what I always like to feel and say is: “It’s great having options”. So, I’d feel more comfortable if you would at least pick the neighborhood, restaurant or even your preference of cuisine. (Or even all of the above).”

    Oh brother. Yes, you are driving the bus!! I need to come back to him. What should I say? I’ve already told him I feel comfortable if he would decide. He did not get it. I’ve got to out-girl him and I’m not sure how to do this. What do you think?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:16pm

  646. 646: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    PassionatelyPisces – thanks for responding to me. It feels good to hear that women understand how i am feeling about him taking off. anyway he’s not the controlling one – i am. that’s why i got out of the car. he also never ever hits me or says anything unkind to me.

    i felt triggered when this was happening. it happened on the same street as something that happened with my ex. my ex picked me up early from symphony rehearsal because i was very sick, and i wanted to go to his house to feel taken care of, but instead he said no and we got into a big fight and he hit my head against the passenger window 4 times and I got out of the car and walked home sick in a blizzard with my viola.

    when i got home i called him and said things like “just apologize and fix this and i’ll forgive you.” he told me to go f*ck myself.

    i felt trapped in that memory last night :(

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:21pm

  647. 647: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    amy f – how about “i feel great about you driving the bus!”

    maybe u could throw him a bone and say “and i really like mexican food.” IF you want.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:23pm

  648. 648: Amy F.No Gravatar says:


    Tell him how you feel. Maybe you say during conversation- “I feel good being affectionate and close to a man. I feel warm when I am close and it feels good.” Stuff like that. If he does not pick up on your feeling messages and initiate, this man may not be warm blooded enough for a hot mama.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:25pm

  649. 649: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    It sounds like there is a chance he could be slightly intimidated by you and your Sireny powers. But he is trying to cover it up and be masculine (because he senses that is what you want).

    Maybe what is putting you off is his fem energy but he is covering it up making it harder for you to get in touch wih your feelings.

    As usual when we talk about guys behaviour here that is all guesswork.

    What matters is how you are feeling with him and getting in touch with that and expressing it to him.

    Does any of this resonate with you?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:28pm

  650. 650: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am going to a dinner party right now and need to cry before i go so i don’t be THAT person at the party. someone make me cry

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:32pm

  651. 651: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just got a cute first message from a guy on pof:

    “Move closer and clean your room.”

    That was it.

    It made me smile.

    I’m assuming he is talking about the fact that my bedroom is kinda messy in the background of one picture I have posted. I think it’s funny that he said that.

    He looks cute too. I haven’t looked yet to see where he lives, but apparently it’s not very close to me.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:37pm

  652. 652: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #642 –

    I don’t think I’m triggered at all, and I’m not the only one on here thinking he has AS. Having a diagnosis means nothing since a lot of these guy have gone undiagnosed. The diagnosis wasn’t even in the diagnostic manual until sometime in the 1980s, I believe. I’m just sharing info since I do this stuff 24/7. I like what you said about giving honest feedback. I was just thinking the same thing. Giving honest feedback is a technique I use with my kiddos. Otherwise they don’t realize how what they do affects others. It does help, though, understanding about it and there are ways to deal with these people that can make life easier for all. For example, adding some “rule-based” behavior would also be helpful.

    Personally, I wouldn’t date anyone with ADD, AS or anything like that. Not because they are not “worthy”, but because I deal with those issues at home and at work, and I need a break from it sometimes. A psychologist friend of mine is happily married to an AS guy. She is very bright and needs someone sharp. She also got sick of players and knew that he was someone she could trust. He is a sweetheart of a guy. But he is different.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:37pm

  653. 653: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    At least you have a dinner party to go to. I am sitting home alone with just the memory of what happened with cd man last night. I sit here and feel like I want to cry and I can’t cry either. I feel numb. I feel so sad I can’t begin to explain how awful it is. I wish I had a party to go and take my mind off what happened with this man.
    Lucky you. You have a party invitation. Happy fuchin Halloween.

    Not directed at you honey. I am just feeling sorry for myself and feeling lonely and angry and sad and all messed up tonite. I am upset that I am once again here upset over a gd man. Why does this always happen? I am not in a good place right now.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:40pm

  654. 654: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #643 –

    Why were you uncomfortable sharing this?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:40pm

  655. 655: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea just be you and express your emotions as they come up. Do you feel like crying?

    I felt angry and sad to read that post about your ex smahing your head in the car! Violence against women feels awful!

    I am sendng you some good/loving vibes to keep you warm and safe at the party.

    PS – only go if you want to!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:41pm

  656. 656: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    love u turtle girl. i hope u do something nice for yourself tonight.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:41pm

  657. 657: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Yes – I will comment about the driving the bus, and I feel great about lots of different neighborhoods, then I’ll name a few. If he cannot do anything with that, I know this won’t go very far…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:43pm

  658. 658: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Honey, I agree about the AS.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:43pm

  659. 659: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    love u too dorothea. love all the girls here.
    without this blog i would have already gone really crazy. this is sometimes a real lifeline.
    violence against women really sux does it not?
    how we can tolerate any kind of abuse is just incredible. it is programming and I am trying my best to re program all my stuff. it ain’t working the way it is now.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:44pm

  660. 660: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Is it me or have we all been dealing with some sort of drama with our men recently?

    Is it a full moon or just Halloween? Lol

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:45pm

  661. 661: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It is also the Celtic New Year.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:45pm

  662. 662: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh weird. The messyroomguy lives five minutes from fb college guy!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:51pm

  663. 663: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Owww, I feel like a Siren! Yay I am so happy.

    And he can’t have me unless he puts the effort in.. why should he. No man will unless they put the effort in.

    And I am open, lovely and magnetic.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:52pm

  664. 664: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I could do something to make you cry, TG and Dorothea.

    I know how bad it feels when you want to cry and can’t.

    It’s worse than when you feel like throwing up but can’t. :(

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:53pm

  665. 665: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella — Regarding the guy who didn’t call the day after we slept together — he HAD been either txting or calling everyday prior to that, so the fact that he chose the day after we slept together to stop that behavior was really a bad sign to me…it felt bad.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 4:54pm

  666. 666: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy –

    How do you know about AS?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:00pm

  667. 667: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Time to go get my party on! Going dancing with Dancing Guy. I have so much fun with him. Gonna do some swing dancing to jazz! Oh yeah!

    Later Sirens…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:01pm

  668. 668: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…here’s judo man again on FB disrespecting the belief system of his friend.
    And now I have no horny left at all.
    I’m like wow
    no horny.
    Like wicked boo.
    I feel grateful that I got to know this guy before I got too emotional with him…well other than horny.
    I don’t want a man who is disrespectful of the belief systems of others. Even if he doesn’t believe in a certain philosophy..I want him to be respectful.
    I also decided I want a man who looks the women in his life…sisters, mother, aunt, cousins, whatever.
    That would feel good to me.

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:01pm

  669. 669: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Well… I’m in the education and psychology fields… and we thought for awhile that my daughter might have it… and TN man is very high-functioning AS… and his sister has severe AS… and I’ve read a couple books in the past year because of TN man… one of them was something like “When You Love a Man with AS” and the other was John Elder Robison’s memoir, “Look Me in the Eye” … and I have a lot of AS traits myself…. and my sister works with autism spectrum kids…..


    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:07pm

  670. 670: LuzyNo Gravatar says:

    No dates this weekend either. Keep on getting emails and people complimenting my pictures and profile, but not dates; am I doing something wrong? should I write to all the men who write to me? I only write to a few who I consider interesting. I want to start to CD, I usually date one person at a time, but for what I am reading here I should keep my options open until “Mr. Right” comes along. Ugh I don’t want to give up!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:13pm

  671. 671: PassionatelyPiscesNo Gravatar says:

    (((HUGS))) to you, TurtleGirl. I hope you do something loving for yourself tonite. I know the feeling of not having anything going on when everyone else is out doing stuff. (I kind of feel that way on weekends when I have visions of people with their significant others.)

    Sometimes it’s so much harder when we’re angry with ourselves. Try not to beat yourself up. At least you are working with Rori’s tools and trying. You’re out there doing this stuff—doing life. Perhaps these men have all been messengers, as she says, even if you’re not yet sure what the message is/was. I look at it this way—each date, each man, each situation, is one step closer to finding the right man. None of it is a waste, it all has a purpose and/or lesson of some sort. I know it sounds stupid (and counterproductive) but sometimes when I’m really pissed about stuff and feeling confused—I try to find gratitude for whatever it is that I’m upset about. I KNOW it sounds crazy, but it works for me.

    Dorothea—hey this is just too weird!! You play the viola? So do I :) !! I was going to major in music when I was younger, but fell in love and got married and yada, yada, yada—and gave up a full music scholarship at a private college. UGH!! I can’t believe I was so stupid! But anyway, all through junior and senior highschool I played the viola. It’s such a beautiful instrument. I started out with the violin, but as you know, they are always short on viola players, so they asked if I’d switch. It took me a few weeks to get used to alto cleff, but I caught on and ended up being first chair for the whole six years.

    I was in junior symphony and went to the state competitions every year. One year I was in the orchestra and choir. Every time I look at all my medals, etc. I could just kick myself.

    My life was so messed up that by the time I graduated the last thing I could imagine was going on to school. Hindsight….sigh….

    SLV— I’m sorry you’re having such a bad night. I’d be angry too!! VERY angry! No need to feel embarassed about what you posted—isn’t that what this place is for? To process our feelings and work through our emotions to get to a better feeling place? I don’t think you’re a bitch at all. (Can we say bitch on here?) Rori says we’re supposed to love all our feelings—so try and love your anger and your “pissed-off-ness.” I hope you feel better soon.

    Peace—and thank you! :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:25pm

  672. 672: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    ok…how far can I go without ordering the tapes….I see a lady on you tube but I wonder if you’ve ordered the dvd program ?
    I read some testimonials and feel excited about maybe losing a few inches on my waist

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:25pm

  673. 673: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Ella… I feel confused because in many ways he is masculine energy… i don’t get a fem (give to me ) vibe from him at all

    Honey – i feel uncomfortable sharing how the jokes make me feel because… i feel a lil weird in the moment and it’s seemed easier to let it go…

    but i can practice like.. wow… i feel kinda weird hearing that… i feel a bit turned off… i get the thought that you’re trying to tell me about your masculinity rather than just show me… and that makes me feel uncomfortablel

    i haven’t yet firugred out how to put this in feeling messages without YOU


    he texted me what i m doing for holloween tonite

    and i said

    i dont have any plans yet =( actually im feeling worried im goinna wind up staying in

    he wrote me:

    well if u dont wind up having plans and my plans fall through do you want to come over to my h ouse?

    i didnt answer and he sent me something random… then he says oops that last one was for my aunt… so what do you say do you want to come over?

    I just wrote back:

    it would feel fun spending holloween with you but i dont like being inside the house on this holiday

    and also i dont want to feel like a backup plan hehe

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:30pm

  674. 674: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – I have the programs. they’re magic. something like Rori for the body

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:31pm

  675. 675: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita unfortunately you wont find PBS (the preliminary stretch to everything) free… but T-tapp twist IS free… found oline

    you can write me at my email for more info 😉

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:33pm

  676. 676: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Amy – hmm… i kinda dont want to tell him id be open to kissing him… i havent said i WASNT…

    i don’t know if id feel turned off saying it…

    maybe he will put the moves on me soon hehe

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:36pm

  677. 677: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Honey, and re ## 640, 651

    Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them .

    One of Rori’s tools I was doing really well with was being and staying open to men, even those I don’t feel much attracted to, even to the point of agreeing to meet them and see how it goes and how I feel. I hadn’t considered that he may have Asperger’s, I was being so open and non-judgemental!!!! A first for me!!! When several Sirens, including you, commented earlier that it sounded as if he might be on the Aspergers scale, I suddenly thought, OMG, that could be what I’m dealing with here.. I don’t know if he has a diagnosis or not. Suspect not. I know some things about Asperger’s Syndrome – before being an artist, I used to be a family therapist, as AS and ADD etc came up quite a bit then.

    If anyone is triggered by this possibility, it is me!! This summer I finally had to end my marriage to another very academically-inclined geeky scientist who privately admitted that he thought he was somewhere on the Asperger’s scale, but never had a diagnosis. I am attracted to very intelligent, intellectual men, though actually not attracted to the geeky date.

    I ended my marriage because of feeling endlessly and increasingly criticised and controlled by my husband’s petty and obsessive, and anxious ideas about how I should behave. More and more, he needed things to be a certain way, he was increasingly anxious and avoidant of social situations, and tried to limit my involvement with friends etc. But in the end it was his inability to empathise with me ( and feeling states) or to deal with me as I actually was, or to accept that I just couldn’t be a robot, that led me to the agonising decision to end the marriage.

    I hope this doesn’t sound too defensive, but I kind of don’t mind if it does! I love my being triggered and defensive!! I have to deal with this. If anyone is triggered by my geeky date it is me. I am not only terrified of getting involved at any level with a man who needs me to row the boat, and tells me to row the boat. I am scared by a man who (in the email, which was a response to feeling messages), starts to blame me for expressing my feelings, and makes me in the wrong for the feelings, can’t ‘catch’ the feelings (Rori talks re this in Toxic Men), and comes back essentially with an accusation. This is the story of my marriage, and this got worse after I found Rori and started using feeling messages.

    I feel that geeky-date is asking me to lean forward (he might not be, but that’s how it makes me feel), and blaming me for making his uncertainty/anxiety worse, even though he also admits he always feels unsure and uncertain.

    At the moment, there is no way I am going to start overfunctioning and adjusting my new Sireny poise in order to step up, lean forward etc. I am very friendly, and kind, and gentle in person, and hate to have anyone feel discomfort, and on the date I felt I gave quite a lot of encouragement and reassurance – I said I’d enjoyed meeting him, I said he could call me. It sounds as if his anxiety has wiped this from his mind.

    I’m learning to recognise when I am uncomfortable, and to see my comfort levels as at least as important as other people’s But having spent 15 years adjusting and altering myself to reassure and fit with my husband, and not saying how I feel, I have to practice the tools with everyone, even if a possible (likely) degree of Asperger’s in this man is triggering him big time as well.

    Already, this contact with him is such hard work – I wonder if it would be fairer to tell him that I don’t want to take things any further. Which is more concrete for him. I feel he may have a lot of trouble processing feeling messages. Just like my ex did. If anything, this man is worse than my husband.

    But here is no way I’m going to endure getting blame back for his anxiety when I use feeling messages. I still feel angry with him, and exasperate. Even if his reaction is coherent with a condition he cannot help. I cannot go back to feeling I have to help, support, reassure, help/heal, and ignore my own comfort levels, and my needs.

    I’m now wanting a man who is able to accept me as a I am, feelings and all. I would like to meet someone who loves my feeling messages, rather than gets triggered by them.

    This man is not what I want. I don’t want this man (riffing).I am sorry for his anxieties, but I am already drained and exhausted and pissed off with him, as a woman. If I was still a therapist, and he was a client, it would be quite different, and I could work with him. But I don’t want another date with him, because I want to be able to relax and be the girl.

    Riffing rant over. Thanks for listening. All comments welcome! xxx

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:38pm

  678. 678: Amy F.No Gravatar says:

    Men come and go. See if you can find something interesting with some of the men who contact you. Maybe widen the net a little.

    I’ve learned hanging around this site and my own experience that sometimes you have many men and sometimes none, and it often feels like feast or famine. Notice what feelings come up when you are in “famine” mode and try to work through them. I used to get literally in a panic when I did not have at least one man I was focusing on, and now I feel bored with it all and am focused on other things in my life, even though I’m CDing two at the moment. I am still nursing a broken heart, but I find I’m thinking of the good things we shared together and when I think of him, it feels good and not so painful. I feel good and I hope you do too. My advice to you is to get an amazon Kindle! It’s my new best friend (maybe even my new boyfriend!) You can download any book, magazine, or newspaper that comes into your mind and carry all your reading with you where ever you go. If I get lonely, I visit Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, or James Bond, or Julius Caesar!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:43pm

  679. 679: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling lonely and rejected tonight…on Thursday and Friday, I had new, interesting guys strike up phone or txt convos w/me and tell me they would call me this weekend, and yet neither one has. I’m in such a funk at the moment that I wouldn’t pick up if either of them did call, but I would have felt better if they’d called nonetheless. And two other guys who were all hot and heavy in email haven’t emailed me in several days…I was having much better luck than this and I don’t know what’s changed?

    The only guy left contacting me today is a guy I’ve been in primarily txt contact w/for like 6 months or something…he’s a nice guy but a real workaholic and I don’t think I’d be attracted to him if we met in person. But txting him and getting his, “Hello beautiful” msgs most days do feed my ego, but I just don’t get what happened w/all my other guys?

    I feel rejected by men I wasn’t even sure I wanted, but I wanted to be the one to reject them if I chose. My siren powers must have disintegrated lately…

    Turtle Girl and Dorothea — Sorry to hear about your mishaps with your guys this weekend. I think there’s an odd phase of he moon going on or something. TG — sending you hugs!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:47pm

  680. 680: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    And Honey – enjoy the dancing!! :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 5:48pm

  681. 681: Amy F.No Gravatar says:


    I have had weeks like the one you have described, and I feel your frustration.

    I noticed when I was focused on who had and had not called – getting so frustrated, I focused less on other things important to me. I started focusing less on who and what they were not doing, and more on what I want. I want to go to Europe this summer and I might be dreaming, but I’m planning! There are other things I feel good about too. I started flirting with the Coors Beer delivery man, and he followed me into the coffee shop and back to my car to help direct me out of my parking space. I felt like a million bucks just from this short encounter.
    I hope you feel better, feel good and enjoy this crazy night!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:17pm

  682. 682: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhhhhh SLV-

    I sooooooo know how you feel. I don’t know about code or computers or anything you wrote, but I know firt hand about being discounted for my intelligence, work, etc on the job and in life out there.

    I am so sorry. It sound like you were manipulated by these **&&%%!!!!!! jerks! I know that 6the “good old boy club” is still very much alive and well today, maybe not in ways like it used to be, but still we women can do everything and no matter what they use and abuse us…..and yes I know not all men do it but the ones that do piss me off so much I want to run them down with my car, I want to shove their lying, little asrses in a tank of acid and drown them…….oh how I know how you feel. The BETRAYAL feel so awful when stuff like that happens.

    I know I will get over my funk, but seriously right now I could give a shit about men. They suck and I hate them right now. I feel angry and almost rage over what is and your stuff?????? Wow…..I mean freaking wow….

    Hugs and support to you SLV.

    THere really must be something up with Venus in retrograde Scorpio. Man, some heavy shit going on in the romance department right now….Fuch…..

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:35pm

  683. 683: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Renee for the hugs ;0). xxoo

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:37pm

  684. 684: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Pasionate Pisces-

    Thanks for your words. They do help. Support on this blog is great.

    Let’s see the message? don’t know really except that I am tired of angry fuched up men. I am so ready for a normal man.

    I love my angry.
    I love my rage.
    I love my pissy.
    I love being a bitch.
    I love being motivated by my anger.
    I love the sad.
    I love the icky feelings.
    I love the weird shit.
    I love my self no matter what.
    I love my ability to still carry on even when I am sad and lonely and tired and pissed and hurt and betrayed and used and abused.
    I love I can keep my power even when I don’t feel like it.
    I love I can stay on my horse even when I don’t want to.
    I love that one more man closer is one more man closer to happy forever.
    I love that I am learning even though I hate that I am going through the feelings.
    I love the feelings that I hate.
    Fuch. Shit. Fuch. Motha fucho. cussing always helps me feel better………I don’t know why. Asshole gd mutha fuchin men. they suck. fuch them. arggrrhhhhhh and damn it all to hell…….batman…

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:44pm

  685. 685: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    you are the T tapp Goddess :)

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 6:53pm

  686. 686: lmNo Gravatar says:

    oh my god circular dating works like MAGIC.

    i have two guys after me now, both at the same party, both angling for a dance, making comments about the other to me. eee!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:23pm

  687. 687: lmNo Gravatar says:

    also, i told one of them i have always thought he was attractive. but i didn’t feel like i was trying to get anything out of him, so this is appreciation but not leaning forward…right?

    i feel pretty good!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:25pm

  688. 688: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks nikita

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 7:50pm

  689. 689: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feeling sad..

    italian guy never answered

    and i dont have holloween plans

    and i feel sad not doing holloweeny stuff

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:32pm

  690. 690: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #601 – Happy Birthday to you!

    I hope you’re not a witch. :roll: You are unique, I’ll say that much for you! 😆

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:40pm

  691. 691: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #600 – Congratulations for your weight loss!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 8:42pm

  692. 692: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Re: #327 – What a wonderful story! I felt tears streaming down my face as I read it.

    May we all find a love like that! Thank you for sharing!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:18pm

  693. 693: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m a witch!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 9:39pm

  694. 694: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    woo hoo! this witch just worked out… and it was easy!! wow

    i didnt expect that because i hadnt hit this workout in a minute

    might be that chi gong stance i did yesterday!!

    i felt like my heart orgasmed! and all the tension in my body turned liquid

    it was awesome!

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:49pm

  695. 695: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    hmph! I feel jealous and that feels like putting a B there instead of a W….. :(

    Hmph! witch!

    trick or treat…..

    i feel jealous or envious but def. pouty

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 10:58pm

  696. 696: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – are u hating on me? Wats wrong… Are u jealous that I have the t tapp program?

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:32pm

  697. 697: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My heart orgasmed yesterday with the chi gong stance… That’s free on google books… If u act nice I mite give up the info

    Sunday, 31 October 2010 @ 11:34pm

  698. 698: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh man, I recieved a great massage from this guy, we are karaoke buddies but now we’ve gotten a little more close up and personal ugh! My hormones are kicking in BIG TIME. I want to kiss him and stuff :)

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:13am

  699. 699: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I left him a message saying, I feel curious he messages back, I hear ya. this is a miiistake damnit! Tina get a grip!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:19am

  700. 700: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    he “lols” me and says “oh yes” holy!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:21am

  701. 701: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My karaoke buddy is a SEX MACHINE offering up his goods

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:22am

  702. 702: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina!!! hahahhaa

    Tina is always gettin some go girl!!

    I want some yummy yummy too!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:30am

  703. 703: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I just dont know what to do :/ ugh

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 12:38am

  704. 704: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina – I’m putting up videos of me in lingerie on myspace

    It was gonna be my HOlloween outfit hehe

    Purple Ho!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 1:55am

  705. 705: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Amy — Thanks for the positive reinforcement.

    I know we all have weeks like this, but it feels like I’ve run through all the men on Match and eHarm and will never run across any other men I find interesting…logically, I know this isn’t true, but that’s the way my heart perceives it right now.

    It’s just before 5am my time and I had a dream about Blondie…he was knocking at my door because we were going to go for a walk to get some exercise and he was early. I didn’t have on any makeup yet and I was running around trying to put on my makeup and I couldn’t find my regular makeup so I was searching through my drawer of old makeup and just slapping some on to cover up the melasma on my skin before he saw me. I woke up before I answered the door, but I still woke up thinking of him :( .

    Then I saw a report on the news about Haiti, and that just reminded me of him further since he’s going to go to Haiti the first week of December to do volunteer work. I honestly don’t know whether he does this work to feed his ego (and to get others to think of him as a nice guy) or because there’s an element of danger in it and he’s an adrenaline junkie. He also volunteers once a week at the local children’s hospital…if he’s such a great guy, why did he jerk me around so badly? Rhetorical question, of course, but it makes me think there’s something inherently wrong with me that I “turned him” into a jerk.

    I’m sure things will get better today…this was just an odd way to wake up.

    Hope most of you had some Halloween fun

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 2:02am

  706. 706: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    IM –

    Good to hear CD-ing is working so well! Yor Siren powers are strong! :-)

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 2:14am

  707. 707: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Be gentle with yourself hon.

    I don’t know about Blondie and why things did not work out. However I felt reading your post a kinda stuck, frustrated vibe.

    Anyway, keep processing those feelings and focus on the positive and things will change around. You are doing great.

    Hugs to you. I hope you have a great day.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 2:23am

  708. 708: Katarina PhangNo Gravatar says:

    Two weeks ago while we were having dinner -with me cooking of course- with SG’s best buddy who loaned us his cabin, he (his buddy) said: “I won’t understand if you don’t marry her.”

    He told me how much in love with me SG told him he was, that we really make a great good looking couple and it inspired him to find a woman like me.

    SG retorted, “We’re married, alright. We don’t need the legality but she’s my wife.”

    And then he said while waving his beer, “I can’t ask for more. I have my best buddy, I have my wife. Life is good.”

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 2:36am

  709. 709: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im so excited!!! I L?OVE? my risque photos!!

    So i didnt wear the oufit out on Holloween… welll… I still gott the photos for it yahoo!!!!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 2:47am

  710. 710: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm, maybe me being terrified of repeating a pattern that I had in my marriage is attracting exactly that again. And geeky guy is much more explicitly anxious than my ex. I seem to be getting the same again, only stronger. I’m not a clinical specialist in Aspergers, and I don’t want to be a specialist in dating Aspergers men either.

    Can’t decide what to do. If I reply in feeling messages, and if he is Aspergers, then it’s gong to be relatively hard for him to understand the feeling messages again. He will feel them as rather alien.

    I am torn. Um, no I’m not really. I want to be the girl, and even to get to the next email with this man in a way that is coherent for him, I’m going to have to lean forward. Sorry to go on about this, but I”m only going on about it because of Rori’s injunction to keep my heart open to all, and to use feeling messages with all. Bleugh.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:23am

  711. 711: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei – I often find repeated past patterns.. but at a lesser intensity … this is why CD is PRACTICE. because we DO attract past patterns… but less intense.. so we practice saying NO and saying yes, and getting these patterns healed

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:32am

  712. 712: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    meaning at a lesser emotional intensity, or easier to spot than the past, etc…

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:33am

  713. 713: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #507 Amber

    Nice analogy and thank you for thinking of me.

    I would have no hesitation in borrowing a hammer or a screwdriver to fix up my broken down house, however I do have a BIG PROBLEM in taking $2000 from an anonymous person with no immediate means of paying it back to him/her when I am quite capable of getting said $$$ on my own, albeit via a much longer and harder process. I would sooner the benefactor shared his $$$$ with a more worthy cause, starving or AID’s children in Africa, many worthy charities here and overseas, heart foundations, cancer foundations and so the list goes on………….

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:37am

  714. 714: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    God I am WAY behind on this blog but only because I have been out and about sharing and talking to people about the most fantastic TV ad on youtube……….it makes me feel proud to be BRITISH, yes I really am LOL!!

    OK off to find and share 😀

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:41am

  715. 715: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @709: Lorelei says:

    “…Sorry to go on about this, but I”m only going on about it because of Rori’s injunction to keep my heart open to all, and to use feeling messages with all. Bleugh…”

    Would it be a feeling message enough to say “I’d like to know you better. I like Italian and American food.”?

    Maybe he doesn’t have A.S. I’m curious. Do all shy people have A.S.? Is that what causes shyness, A.S.? For everyone?


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:44am

  716. 716: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m wondering whether men are a lower life form and the answer I get is “What do you think?” 😀


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:49am

  717. 717: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Hey guys sorry to be sooo freakin’ English but I AM……..this is the most fantastic ad I ever saw in my life……..

    My friends are just buzzing with it tonight and I can’t stop watching it LOL!!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 3:51am

  718. 718: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – i think that was a different person… with the food, issue … Lorelei has already gone out with this guy and she’s feeling turned off by his messages

    Barb – yes part of the work we are doing is in receiving huge amounts of wonderful stuff.. and feeling like we ARE a worhty cause…

    I feel a lil scared that this won’t be heard… (my boices say it DEFINITELY won’t be heard)

    and my intent is not to pressure you – esp if your gut says no

    but I am going to put it out there anyway since it’s the truth

    the idea is to get to the place to where we say Yes to everything good a man offers us…

    Rori says we have to practice in babysteps because when it starts coming towards us, it’s difficult to let in a huge amount of the good stuff… it will trigger the “im not worthy” and it will feel scary — we’ll be unused to it and likely to reject it – like this situation here

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:02am

  719. 719: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    haha I feel great watching that commercial

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:05am

  720. 720: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg i am sobbing i feel soo touched by that commercial

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:07am

  721. 721: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    #539 Lucy

    Well the Gold Coast is nice and all that, and it DOES look a wee bit like Hawaii, but it’s just not quite the same………, ain’t nothing like the real thing baby, ain’t nothing like the real thing….

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:07am

  722. 722: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria I KNOW this is a commercial, just an advertisement put together by media types but HONESTLY it has been buzzing back and forth between my online and offline friends today, those of us who are intending to return home and those of us who wish we could and those of us who are so into that first black guy in the suit who we just go yum yum yum LOL!!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:12am

  723. 723: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – do not ever apologise for being so freakin’ English!!!

    I just watched that commercial and now I am crying too – the longing for home is so strong, and at the moment I have lost my home, ever since I began my separation. I still have a roof over my head, becaue I’m still in the marital home,but that is not the same. I long for home – my own new home, and the person or people with me who make it a home.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:16am

  724. 724: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Even if he is probably younger than my kids LOL!! No harm in looking 😀

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:16am

  725. 725: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    (((( HUGS))) Lorelei, I TRULY do know how you feel, it is such a horrible feeling to lose your home in a divorce……

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:21am

  726. 726: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @721: BarbinOz says:
    “… and those of us who are so into that first black guy in the suit who we just go yum yum yum LOL!!…

    Black guy in suit? Now you’ve got my attention; I’m rushing over to take a look. I’m not quite as Black as Barack Obama but I qualify as a Black woman. 😆

    This is just like the joke about the 1950s and 1960s: “Black people on television!”…whole family runs to turn on TV.” 😀 Not so rare nowadays…but I’ll go look. Yummy you say…I’m running now… :lol


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:33am

  727. 727: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    SLV = re # 714

    Hi – I think that’s someone else . . !!! There is a comment further up the thread (sorry – haven’t time to scroll up and find) from someone who’s guy was trying to set up a date, but said he felt like he was driving the bus, and was trying to get her to say where, when and what she wanted to do. It feels fine, in these situations to say things like – “I like sushi -what do you think”, but this wasn’t me. Not this time, anyway.

    This man, a professional scientist, actually stepped up fairly fast and arranged a date, coming up with a good suggestion for the place etc. This despite lots of expressions from him about how uncertain, nervous, and completely unsure of himself he is. The date went sort of OK, I’m not really attracted to him, but it was nice talking to him. And we ended the date with him saying could he be in touch, and I said call me.

    Then an email, saying he’s not sure if I want him to call me, or if he should. He wants to but feels uncertain. Then I reply, saying I enjoyed our date and feel open to meeting up again, that I feel apprciative of his honesty, but I also feel tense and embarrassed hearing about all the doubts and uncertainties. Then another email from him, quoted in #612, which is what sparked me off on my current rant!

    The one is not just ‘shy’. I have no proof of Aspergers, but I have known quite a lot of people in academic worlds, a bit like this – I do kind of recognise this when I meet it. He is demanding lots reassurance from me after just one date. I have given positive though fairly brief reassurance. But how un-Sireny to be invited to help him overcome his resistance.

    Like a sink without a plug for the plug-hole, I suspect that no amount of reassurance would reassure him. It would be like he’s asking me to focus on his comfort levels . . and now he doesn’t like it when I express my discomfort in feeling messages.

    This is all such a turn off and far too much hard work for a Siren. I am not unsympathetic to men like this, whatever we call it, and he is isolated and doesn’t have much of a life.It seems he’s got to age 57 and never had a real relationship. Unfortunately, he’s not going to have one with me/

    There is a part of me that has compassion and sorrow for his situation. And I feel guilty adding to his burden. But as a still very new baby Siren, it seems more important that I stay with my new hope that there is a man out there, somewhere, who will be sure he wants to come after me, which will make me feel happy, safe, wanted, and basically OK.

    Rant, rant, rant. I really am triggered by this situation, aren’t I???!!!!??

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:49am

  728. 728: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Ella — Thanks for your gentle words.

    I am feeling kind of ‘stuck’ at the moment and would like to be ‘unstuck’. To that end, I’m going to go to my psychiatrist this week and ask to be put on a different antidepressant…one that’s stronger but I’ve avoided taking because it has some dietary restrictions attached to it. For that reason, it’s kind of known as a “last ditch effort” antidepressant, but it’s known to work when nothing else has.

    I just can’t shed the memory of feeling happy and joyful as I did a month ago for 3 days when I tried this special combination of supplements. I don’t know if you were following the blog at that time, but this was the 1st time Blondie and I broke up and in a fit of sadness and frustration, I took just about every supplement in the house to make me feel better, include 2 supplements that are specifically designed to lift your mood. Well, I felt wonderful! I mean, I had moments of sadness over the breakup, but I was actually finding joy in little things in my life for the first time in nearly 15 yrs. I’ve been suffering from depression for a long time and have been on treatment for about 5 yrs, but I’ve only achieved a partial response and I’ve determined that that’s just not good enough.

    If I have to give up chedder cheese and red wine to feel the joy in my life again, I’m prepared to do it. The next couple of weeks will probably be very difficult as I have to stop taking the one antidepressant and stay off of it for a while before I can start the other one, and even though the new one tends to start working pretty quickly, it still may be another couple of weeks from there before I feel very good.

    But enough’s enough — it’s hard to explain what it’s like to live with depression unless you’ve been there, but it’s like the feeling that you’ve just been dumped by your boyfriend, except you feel that way most of the time! I’ve had periods of depression since childhood and there’s a strong family history of it and between that and a brain injury I sustained as a child, I’ve determined that my brain chemicals are just off — truth be told, being w/Blondie helped me feel better than I have in some time, but I wasn’t truly happen even then. The only time I’ve felt joy in years was during those 3 days right after I began taking those supplements — and then the effect disappeared and I haven’t been able to recover it.

    But I think that may have been God’s way of showing me what’s possible if I can just get my brain chemistry adjusted and to give me the courage to go off an antidepressant that’s “better than nothing”, but is only working at about 50%. I deserve more than 50% of happiness! I deserve to have a full range of feelings, but especially joy…I don’t mind feeling sadness if I can also feel joy…that’s all I want, is to enjoy the things I used to enjoy — reading, plays, watching my nephews play — I just don’t enjoy my life like I could and I’m ready to do what it takes to change that!

    Yes, I know there are women on here who will insist that I just need to release my anger or issues from the past and that the depression will magically disappear. But if you’d gone 15 yrs without feeling any true joy (except for an isolated period of 3 days on a fluke), maybe you’d understand where I’m coming from. I know from my recent experience that my body has the capacity to feel joy — I just need to the courage to try to medication that’s known to work when all others have failed, and that’s the point where I’m at now…my dr and I have tried not only therapy, but also virtually every combination of drugs out there except this one class of drugs and I’m finally ready to do whatever I need to do to actually feel good. I’d love to have the support of the lovely ladies here as I go through this challenging time, with the hopes that I’ll come out the other side with the capacity to finally feel a full spectrum of feelings, including moments of pure joy.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 4:59am

  729. 729: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone remember the ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ book (maybe 20 years ago?)? The idea was that in various relationships, and also at different times within any one relationship, there are four possible ways the relationship makes us feel:

    I’m not OK, you’re OK (one puts the other on a pedestal?)

    I’m OK, you’re not OK (toxic!! rude, absusive?)

    I’m not OK, you’re not OK (Let’s not even go there – utter misery).

    And, I’m OK, you’re OK. (acceptance, freedom, respect, even when we differ).

    This, I’m just realising, would be what a Siren’s basic attitude is – of openess. And it is also what we basically want to feel from the man.

    With this geeky-man, I’m trying to do, “I’m OK, you’re OK”.

    At first, with constant expression of doubt in online contact – he doubts that I would be interested etc – he was doing “I”m not OK, you’re OK”

    Now, as the email escalates a bit, it is starting to feel and sound like him saying “I’m not OK, you’re not OK.” And I’m beginning to feel him saying I’m not OK either. And I’m so triggered because that was how my husband made me feel – that I was all-wrong, had something wrong with me, was unacceptable.

    Once again, I feel for him, and he’s probably doing the best he can. I am not making any generalised statements about people with Aspergers, I really don’t want to presume that I know this man is even on the AS scale, and I do not want to hurt or offend any Sirens, especially anyone with personal or professional connections to Apsergers.

    But I will not tolerate being made to feel not OK, or being blamed for not encouraging him enough, or for not leaning forward enough.

    I haven’t answered him yet – just letting it sit a bit longer.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 5:00am

  730. 730: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @726: Lorelei says:

    “It feels fine, in these situations to say things like – “I like sushi -what do you think”, but this wasn’t me. Not this time, anyway.”

    Yes, it was “bus driver” guy…I’m not sure why I thought your smart but shy guy and he were the same.

    I’ve had a “riff out” kind of day. I was really pissed with several guys. I “riffed” a bit here and then I tried a “feelings message with three of the guys.” One responded but with a flippant remark and a “blackface” joke. He is now on my list to get his ass kicked! 😈

    I will read your post and catch up. Sorry, again for my mistake. I’ll read up on A.S. too as I don’t know about it.


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 5:01am

  731. 731: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    actually, no, of course, I realise I’m doing “I’m OK, you’re not OK” in my head to him. Have to find feeling messages that stay with “I’m OK, you’re OK.”

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 5:02am

  732. 732: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs back Barb- and thanks for sharing. Have to dash – have to go out.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 5:03am

  733. 733: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelii 710

    How about “ You did ask me if you could phone and I did say “yes”. I feel my integrity doubted when the meaning of my “yes” is doubted. I almost feel called a liar here. I feel awkward to be reproached your own choice to not call.”

    You might want to take off the part about the liar. lol

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 5:42am

  734. 734: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    SLV 638

    grrrrrrrrrr I feel very angry reading your post
    I so relate to it, I have been in the same circumstances so often.

    I was thinking, though:
    It is like Rori says. The woman is love, the man craves for the woman’s emotions.

    Men relate to men for the thinking
    Men relate to women for the emotions

    Girls have been cut from education since ever and often from their clitoris. Best way to keep them dependent from men.
    Men needed hand workers to work the land, the animals, go fetch the water, the wood for fire, make babies and eventually have sex.

    Men on their side, they have been cut from their emotions, so they can be sent to kill the stranger, the animals, or even their women if they don’t serve them.

    Some men still keep that atavistic reaction when they are in groups.
    Nothing savy can come from a woman.
    And when it does, it bothers them.
    Things are not the way it should be.
    They might lose the power so easily kept when keeping girls out of school and cutting their clitoris.
    They are scared because we now have the same brain knowledge, hence the same brain power, but they still don’t have our supplementary option: emotions.
    They are very scared, they don’t know how to handle it other than ignoring us.
    In several countries they kill us for that.

    I struggle with this.
    I married the best man on earth.
    Well, I felt he was not alpha enough.
    I did not know that, of course. I am saying this now with the time behind me. My atavistic guts expected to be 100% lead by him.
    On the other hand, when I met an alpha man, last year, my modern brain felt dismissed by his need to keep the power over me.

    Poor man, he was only expressing his desire towards me.. He felt dismissed when I stopped receiving and started giving.
    Poor me, I wished I had known better.

    If I had met Rori’s page I would have written my emotions black and white but I was on my own.
    I cut myself from my emotions to insure my safety on this planet, through the acknowledgment of my equality to men.

    We are at a very blurred stage of the connection men/women in history.
    Us women we got our knowledge and sexuality back. Even if not all the planet, but it is happening.
    We need to wait for the men to get their emotions back, so they can stop being scared of us.
    May be the world will be a good place then.
    Not sure if this lone witch will still be on it, though.


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 7:09am

  735. 735: MaiNo Gravatar says:

    thank you daria, i think its because i am not eating enough..

    i have been drinking hemp protein powder but it tastes foul ..urrrgh..and it doesn’t seem to make me feel energised at all.

    maybe you could look into colour therapy and apply it to your ‘looking like a godess’ book in terms of the colour combinations of the clothes and jewelry you can wear… how certain colours can play with human emotions…

    ooo do something on lingerie, shoes and how to bring accessories such as hats and scarfs into looking like pieces of art on you. you could first start doing a blog on this topic, and perhaps you could collaborate with your local clothes boutiques who may advertise on your blog…

    would love to see you mix your poetry and amazing story teling skills with your advice on how to look and feel like a goddess.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 7:56am

  736. 736: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    #696 LOLOLOL! please, please, please may I have the info 😀

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:04am

  737. 737: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time.
    The way I look at it, it’s a good thing that you are going through the pain the way you are, not stuffing or avoiding it. They are wonderful growing pains, and you’re coming through it just beautifully!
    Thank you so much for sharing your process.

    I wanted to say that I am really grateful that you encouraged me to get EUM/Fallback Girl ebook. What it, along with her values ebook, is doing for me is putting in clear, uncertain terms what I have known all along about this relationship.

    The biggest insight is this:
    If we don’t share core values, it isn’t going to work.
    If I compromise or don’t stay true to my core values in favor of lesser values like appearance, attraction, chemistry and passion, and assorted other justifications, I will not only lose myself, but I won’t have anywhere near a good relationship with him.

    I can’t base a relationship on a foundation of “potential”. I have to base it on what is actually there.

    I want a healthy, mutually fulfilling (not casual) relationship with each other’s best interests at heart, where we love, trust, respect and care about each other. I want commitment and Divine Love. I know that it doesn’t come easy and it has to be worked at, but I have to at least know that he wants that, too.

    I am also being careful about examining any negative beliefs I have about relationship that may be self-fulfilling prophecies, making me just as emotionally unavailable as the man.

    I see my reasons for why I so wanted this to work out, even though all the signs were there that it was more fantasy than reality. It’s hard to get back out there in the unknown dating world! I know you are experiencing this now! Wouldn’t it just be so much easier to stay in the known and try and force a square peg into a round hole?? It might seem like it is easier, but it’s just futile and a waste of time, and life is……haha

    I have done oodles of inner spiritual work to know who I really am in the big picture, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to be grounded in values and beliefs that reflect that on a practical day to day relationship level.

    Anyway, how that translates into the present relationship, is that I think it will morph into a friendship of sorts, and we will stay in touch, I really don’t want to throw him away, and I know he doesn’t want to lose me either, but right now, I don’t really see any long term partnership happening there, and I have decided not to sleep with him, even though that would be amazing….

    i’m the one here who has to make the tough choices…while he just pursues what he wants in the short term, his own vested interests…

    There are some prospects on the horizon, and I won’t give up. I want to continue to do the major work on myself in order to attract the higher being in a man.

    I am not exactly there yet but I am working to get to this magical place and meet my magical mate and together create this incredible Love without the drama and karma.

    Thank you again, Renee, and all, and I am so grateful that we here on Siren Island are all in this together. It is an amazing source of spirit and support.


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:24am

  738. 738: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei, maybe what you said here is the Message you’re supposed to get from this guy:

    “But as a still very new baby Siren, it seems more important that I stay with my new hope that there is a man out there, somewhere, who will be sure he wants to come after me, which will make me feel happy, safe, wanted, and basically OK.”

    Saying NO to what you don’t want so you can get to what you DO want. And, as Daria said, you’ve very early this time recognized a past pattern of attracting this type of man. So this is your chance to break that pattern.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:26am

  739. 739: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:29am

  740. 740: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    How exciting!! Daria’s Goddess book!

    And Daria, I totally agree with Honey about what she said about you modeling your feelings process here.

    Thank you so much, Sister, for being you and all that you share with us!


    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:29am

  741. 741: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei, I remember that book — when I was a teenager, our pastor used it in our Sunday School class! Weird, huh?

    I think you are doing a great job processing through this situation!!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:34am

  742. 742: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    “If I compromise or don’t stay true to my core values …”

    I feel curious. Can you give some examples of what it would look like to be untrue to core values?

    What is meant by core values in this context?

    Thanks. :)

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:37am

  743. 743: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee #678 –

    You have NO problem attracting men. Haven’t you noticed things kind of go in cycles? It’s kinda like that with everything in life. At work, I’m sometimes low on cases while other times I’m swamped. The same goes with guys. Sometimes I’ll go on Match and think, “There’s no one on here I even WANT to go out with.” Then a few weeks later, there’s a bunch. Don’t let it rattle you…this is part of the ebb and flow of life. The tide goes out but will soon come in again. Doesn’t it always for you? Attracting men has never been an issue for you, has it?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:44am

  744. 744: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee #664 –

    If I slept with a guy and he didn’t call the next day, I would feel HORRIBLE. And I agree, a decent guy knows he should call the next day. Some women don’t care, but I think a guy can get a sense of which one’s do and which one’s don’t.

    Hey, what happened to the “no sleeping with a guy for at least 6 weeks”?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:48am

  745. 745: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Hi Lucy :-)
    I suspect that my articulating more about that here on the blog may or may not occur over the course of time,

    but, just briefly, as one example, one of my core values for my life partner relationship is knowing that I want a long term commitment and loyalty, and I want someone who wants that too.

    If I stay with someone who doesn’t know if they want that, hoping and waiting for them to change their mind, then I am being untrue to that value.

    That doesn’t mean things can’t change, but I can’t keep investing in the hope that they will.

    What do you think?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:51am

  746. 746: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:


    A blackface joke? Ah that feels so bad. I feel heavy in my heart over that one.

    I grew up in a part of the United States that had a high degree of hatred for blacks. It is a long story I wont tell here but one of the reasons I left home many many years ago was because of all the racial hatred and hatred in general for anyone or any idea that was not “the norm” for the day. If you were not white, and held a limited scope of certain religious beliefs, then you were criticized, put down, shunned, made fun of, told you were weird, wrong, whatever.

    The religious and racial hatred just hurt my soul. And in addition the men were very very much the type of men who “kept the little women barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen”.

    I agree with lone plums post that we as a society (civilization) the world over are in some interesting times when it comes to the power balance between men and women. It is one reason we as women can not blame ourselves or even “blame” the men. We can only teach them what we will accept by our behaivor. They will drop off or step up. But even if we hurt (and I still do today) we/I can not allow the abuse.

    I slept good despite my emotional wounds. I woke up this morning and I realized the pattern and why I was so angry with my cd man. I had this pattern with ex toxic man too. If fact I had two patterns with him, one of which got healed while with him. The other one of over functioning (i.e. acting in some way to heal the man by being his “therapist” etc) was what I did to ex toxic man. I did it too to cd man only not to near the large extent. BUt It hit me when I woke up that I listened to all his stories about how his ex had “done him wrong” and cheated, blah blah blah, and I listened to all his stories about his ex girlfriend who did this or that blah blah. And yet when I had a story, he became uncomfortable and then hearing of me dating others he would blow his top and rage.

    I realized something. I am sick and tired of men who need therapy. I am sick and tired of men who want to be the victim about their ex’s. I just don’t want to hear it any more. I am not a victim. I was there in all my relationships. I had my part. Period.

    I do not want to be with a man who still lives in the past about how wounded he was/is. Let it go dude.
    Let go of the resentment and pain and blame. You were there. You put up with it. And now instead o taking responsibility for your own stuff, you want to use me for your punching bag and blame me and not look at your own shit.

    NO. NO. AND NO.

    No, more.

    I want a guy who isn’t bitter and angry.

    So this was my pattern and now I think it is healed or well on it’s way to being healed. Never again will I tolerate a man telling me all about this old crap. Done. Over. Finished.

    Wow. I feel a sense of freedom. I still feel sad, but not like I was.l

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:56am

  747. 747: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei #676 –

    Sounds like you need to let him go. Are you a “helper type”? I am, and sounds like I have a similar personality to you. These types of men are drawn to us because we are a safe harbor. But I won’t go out with them either at this point in my life. It is too exhausting for me and I get triggered because my ex-H had some of these traits along with the bipolar. I am so done with it. I have had friends with AS traits, and am open to that because there are so many wonderful people with AS. Just not in a relationship because I need to move in a different direction for myself.

    It’s cool that you figured this out before enduring further frustration.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 8:59am

  748. 748: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I had a really productive weekend, and I’ve been thinking, praying, and discussing a lot about my student loan situation. My current plan, which could change, is to let the bankruptcy plan buy me some time while I jobhunt.

    Then try to get a better paying job so I can handle the $400 payments they require without having to be homeless. Then once I get going in my new job, try to get my business up and running.

    Tough times never last, but tough people do.
    And, when the going gets tough, the tough get going!

    It is possible that I could lose a new job by falling asleep on the job, which happens on a daily basis. But I have got to try.

    Thank you everyone for your support and feedback!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:07am

  749. 749: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I was thinking about “helper” patterns. In RR world this is the “overfunctioning”.

    As women we all do this to varying degrees. But the women who don’t do it are the ones more attractive to men. The men who ARE attracted to women who “help” are not healthy. They want a slave, nurse, momma, etc etc. and that never works. At least not in a healthy way.

    I know a couple who have been married for years. She is a nurse in real life and her husband weighs 400 lbs. and is one disability due to his weight and all the resulting illness he has. She stays because it fits their dysfunctional pattern. As long as she helps-he stays sick. For either on of them to get healthy would upset the balance of power in the relationship and both would have to become responsible and look at their own stuff and change.

    This is NOT a judgment of these people, but an observation. I can see it easily and it reminds me how to a lesser degree I have my own healing that needs to be done.

    Many years ago my husband at the time told me one day that he thought I would love him more if he was more “needy”. I have never forgotten that. At the time I did not know what to think of it. I realize now that I was needing a man who was more emotional needy because I myself had many many wounds and I could not relate to someone who did not. Now he DID- but he never never showed them. He drank and stayed in numb land. My emotions did not attract him either. We eventually divorced. But the point is apt. I wanted to be a “therapist, helper, nurse” to him and he would not let me.

    And now the men who I have attracted who are needy in this way are now turning me off. So I have healed many of my own wounds and ready for healthy men.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:08am

  750. 750: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe. I’m liking this guy. The one whose first note to me was “Move closer to me and clean your room.”

    I didn’t know what to write back – but I knew I wanted to cuz he is cute and interesting! – and then I wrote the response that popped into my head: “I know you are but what am I.”

    Hehe. I wondered if he would get my humor, and apparently he did, cuz he wrote back this morning:

    “Ok you….yeah you….I think you are the one….you got a gift….you…… are good!”


    Lucy like.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:09am

  751. 751: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Great insights, TG.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:11am

  752. 752: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    What’s up with this guy? When I want a guy to kiss me, I make intense I eye contact. It works every time…like last night. lol

    If you are sitting or standing close to him (like last night, I HAD to lean in to hear what he was saying cuz the music was loud – then I just didn’t move back. Yes, it’s leaning forward in the sense that I am getting in his space, but I did not initiate anything more), just look in his eyes and don’t look away. If he doesn’t kiss you he’s either not into you, is scared, is gay, or is asexual. OR, he feels your sensuality and wants YOU to be the initiator – and personally, this would not feel good to me. I like the man to initiate. We can invite him by being in his space, holding eye contact, etc. But the rest is up to him. I like to take the lead once in awhile when in a relationship, but only to spice things up once inawhile, otherwise things feel “off” and I feel undesireable.

    I’m not good at feelings statements. But maybe you could say something like you are a sensual women like to feel sexual energy with someone. And you are not feeling it with him and are unsure whether you want to see him again, and ask what he thinks. If he doesn’t step up….NEXT! Maybe he’s looking for a dominatrix and wants YOU to initiate…oooo Baby, walk on my back wearing your leather thong and stilettos…like I said, “NEXT”!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:13am

  753. 753: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda! You sound good! Yay!

    Remember that guy in Wilmington who was talking to us by the bathroom? What did you think of him? We ran into each other on pof and he is very interested in me…but I’m not sure how I feel….

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:14am

  754. 754: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting, Honey! You’re right, it’s the eye contact!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:17am

  755. 755: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, LITS. I get it. I think it fits with what happened with TN man — he is with this “girlfriend” now instead of me, but he texts me very flirtatiously and says things that… well, that if I were his gf I wouldn’t want him saying to another woman!!! And, from what he has told me, he doesn’t necessarily want or see a “forever” relationship with her (and, I have the feeling he doesn’t necessarily want that with ANYone) — and I think he knew that all that wouldn’t fly with me, so he found someone who he could do that with…

    Does that fall under “core values”?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:24am

  756. 756: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb #712 –

    Giving blesses the giver as well as the receiver. Maybe giving to you would really bless this man. Do you know his history? Maybe he has been in a similar situation at some time in his life, or has been close to someone who has, and was unable to help them at the time. Maybe giving to you in this way would be healing for him in some way. Or maybe he wants something from you. You don’t know unless you ask. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable receiving such a large sum, but then I sometimes have trouble receiving in general. I’m just throwing this out there.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:24am

  757. 757: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb –

    You ARE worthy…maybe he sees that. You can see that, too.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:25am

  758. 758: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum #733 –

    I am blessed by your thoughts

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:38am

  759. 759: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Honey @ 746

    Yes I am a helper type person!! I give people the benefit of the doubt to the max, and sometimes to my own harm. Hence I feel agony at stopping the contact with geeky-scientist before it goes further. Agony is too strong a word. Discomfort is better. But being “too nice” and can end up being very unkind, if I string this out. I also have friends and colleagues with AS traits, but in a partner, it’s now looking a very bad prospect.

    I’m confused about how we go about keeping our hearts open, go out with men who turn us off, keep CD-ing them if they ask, as Rori suggests, but also screen them out, both on and off line. This must also be why I’m uncertain how to act.

    My (likely) Aspergers Ex frequently accused me of being rather Aspergers as well. He even took me to see a movie last Christmas, about an Aspergers man who has his first relationship with a woman (can’t remember the title). This was an attempt to show me and convince me that I am on the AS continuum. No wonder I’m triggered.

    I’ve taken the Aspergers questionnaire that’s floating around online at the moment, originating from Cambridge University, UK.

    I’ve actually taken it twice.

    This first time, I came out with a score of 15 out of 50. Apparently this is absolutely typical of women’s scores. Everyone is on the continuum somewhere. (A control group averaged 16.4, and those with an actual diagnosis of Autism or AS often score 32 or over, though that is no proof of a diagnosis, and they may be exceptionally high functioning.)

    The second time around, I scored 13. Don’t know why. But I must be getting better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But Honey – I have a question, as you sound rather more expert in this field than I am. Are people on the AS scale actually ABLE to process feeling messages? Or are feeling messages a sort of foreign language to them? And perhaps a rather aggressive sounding foreign language?

    When I used Rori-type feeling messages with my ex, he variously blamed me for having that feeling, dismissed it and told me I had no reason to feel like that, or used it as evidence of my mental instability or somehow turned it against me like a weapon. I feel that he still doesn’t really understand why I’m divorcing him, because he has no idea why I felt my feelings – the core of my being – was being trampled on.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:40am

  760. 760: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    SLV @ 725.

    HI – no problem – I get mixed up myself. It’s hard enough to follow all the stories just on one thread, never mind following on several threads. It’s a full-time job keeping up!!

    I would also feel angry with these men who take your idea, and then ignore you and do some male-bonding rituals as if your suggestion never came from you.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:44am

  761. 761: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Honey — You’re right…I don’t generally have problems attracting men…it’s keeping the good ones interested that has been the challenge. But I think, with the work I’m getting ready to do on my innerself, that this will soon be a think of the past as well.

    And, btw — the “no sleeping with a guy for 6-8 weeks” rule is still my new rule. This was a guy I dated last winter whom I made the mistake of sleeping with at 3 weeks. Interestingly enough, he had been one of my older brother’s fraternity brothers in college, so I really believed him when he told me he was looking to settle down, blah, blah, blah. I really didn’t think he’d try to screw over one of his buddy’s sisters…sometimes I am so naive, lol.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:46am

  762. 762: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    You said…

    “There is a part of me that has compassion and sorrow for his situation. And I feel guilty adding to his burden. But as a still very new baby Siren, it seems more important that I stay with my new hope that there is a man out there, somewhere, who will be sure he wants to come after me, which will make me feel happy, safe, wanted, and basically OK.”

    Sorry if I’m repeeating myself here, I’m catching up on a lot of posts and responding as I go.

    What I’m hearing here is you feeling guilty for not continuing to see this man. Please let this go. It is OK to say “no” to something that does not feel good to us. It is not your job to fix him…he is not your client. You can be open to him if it feels good to you, but it doesn’t. Please don’t feel guilty to saying NO to something that doesn’t work for you. You have a right to happiness. Say no and be at peace. Yes, I’m sorry for him, too. I can see him as my own son some day and feel compassion, and want him to have a relationship, but maybe that is not his path. What is your path? What do YOU want? Let in the things that feel good to you…you’ve already experienced what you don’t want…experiment with letting in what you do.

    Sorry if this sounds bossy. I just know how it feels to be in “caretaker mode” for years, and it can feel hard to break out of. Just remember that you are entitled to a joyful and fullfilling relationship.

    My rant is over….

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:52am

  763. 763: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl,

    RE: #748 – Beautifully said! What a healthy, true statement!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:54am

  764. 764: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    In what part of the country do you live? Are you in a major metro area?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:55am

  765. 765: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #752 – Get out!! I feel surprised he looked you up on POF! I thot he wasn’t interested when he took off! But maybe he was just uncomfortable since I was standing right there. I had an idea at the time I should have meandered off.

    I wasn’t all that thrilled by him, but he seemed nice enuff. Why not? Just get to know him? It’s up to you. It’s about long hair. :-) He just ain’t got it! 😆 Just kiddinginging!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 9:57am

  766. 766: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    LITS — Thank you for your encouraging words.

    I’m so glad you bought that book. I identified with so much of it as well, especially the part about betting on the relationship’s “potential” instead of what it was at the time. I also found it very interesting that a telltale sign is often the guy who pursues you despite your apparent lack of interest…Blondie was the first (desirable) guy who had chased me that hard in a while and I looked to his status (same large employer for over 15 yrs, raised in the same religion, father’s a city councilman) to give me cues that he was stable and sincere with all of his proclamations about wanting to spend the future with me. But as soon as I returned his feelings — poof! He backed off, our roles switched and there began our downfall.

    The part about having core values as far as the relationship resonated as well. When we started dating, he said he wasn’t necessarily looking for a wife, but that he was at a good point in his life to meet her if that’s what happened. Shortly thereafter I got the “I’m falling in love with you” talk, the “exclusivity” talk, followed fairly soon by the “I don’t know if I can ever get married again” talk. What? Wtf are you talking about? You’ve been leading me on for over a month with stories about our shared future together and now — now that I return your feelings — you don’t think you can ever get married again?

    In a real, healthy reltionship, you both want the same things and when the other person starts warming up to you, you don’t run away. That’s what happened to me and it sounds a lot like that’s what happened to you to?

    My only concern about continuing to stay in touch is what I feared for myself if I continued to stay in touch w/Blondie, and that is that each time I talked to him after the breakup, I would momentarily feel good, followed by the reminder that I had failed yet again at a relationship…I also found that when I last talked to him, I found myself wanting to “impress” instead of “express”, which, as Rori would say, isn’t the way to go. Do you feel compelled to try to impress him w/how wonderful you are when you talk so he’ll wake up and realize how much he’s missing? Just something to think about…

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:02am

  767. 767: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    Wanting a forever relationship with someone who is at least pretty sure they know they want one too is a core value of mine.

    If I enter into a relationship with someone who is playing the field, or isn’t capable of the kind of long term relationship I want — committed to bringing out the best in each other, rather than being committed to both partners committing to staying the same dysfunctional selves — AND, I think I am going to change them with my love, this is going against my core value. I’m not being true to that value.

    Do I want to go into an intimate relationship trying to convince or help them figure out if they want a long term relationship with me or anyone else?

    At this stage of the game, no. Been there, done that, got the t shirt~ 😉

    I agree with you that your guy no doubt sees that that wouldnt fly with you, so he found someone who is not hip to his tricks, but he doesn’t really want to lose you, who are hip to his tricks, either, because he likes you and you like him.

    I know I can be friends and not have to do the no contact rule, when I can be OK with seeing him with someone else, and not be mad, sad, hurt, etc.

    What do you think?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:04am

  768. 768: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    I’m going out with some great CDs right now, but no one that makes my heart go, “ZING!” I want the zing. :-(

    I think my last night CD is really kind of getting into me. This makes me stressed. He is such a great guy, such a good human being. I’m scared he will fall for me and I won’t feel the same about him. I don’t think he knows I am seeing others. I doubt that he is. I’m wondering if I should share that info.

    I think I’ve figured out why guys keep putting my hand on their *Bleep*. hehe I was listening to my CD talk last night…he is the most honest and sincere, step up kind of guy so I trust his words. He said how sweet I am and how sexy and how much he really likes me. He said, “Part of you is so sensual and part of you is like the-girl-next-door.” Interesting feedback, cuz that’s how I feel. We were kissing and caressing last night and he said, “When we make love it’s going to be amazing.” To which I said I am not looking for that right now, and if it happens, it will be a long time. He said he was ok with that, and just holding hands would feel great to him, too. And there’s no rush. When we were kissing, he also said, “You must not have had it in a long time.” OK, so here’s what I’m thinking. I am EXREMELY responsive to touch and I think guys respond to that, get turned on, and take it as a signal to move forward. So…my new plan is, the first time a guy tries something I don’t like, to use a feeling statement and just let him know i am this way so he doesn’t get confused. That way I can enjoy what we are doing without having to supress my response in order to avoid attack!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:09am

  769. 769: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It feels good to be on Siren Island and be able to share my heart and mind with you all. It feels good to read your perspectives, and little by little, I feel myself seeing relationships between men and women in an increasingly healthy light.

    I am gradually becoming more the woman I want to be. That’s more important than the relationship. And it is the prerequisite to having the relationship I want. I feel thankful for all of you.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:09am

  770. 770: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    thrilled by him=long hair


    I have tried to overcome this little issue of hair.

    TN has shorter hair now and he is still very sexy. But it’s not REAL short…

    Oh man, memory of WH pushing his hair back with two hands during dinner… sigh…

    Anyway, Wilm guy wasn’t necessarily looking for me on there. I was looking around that Wilmington area (hmm I wonder why) and viewed his profile, not knowing it was him (didn’t recognize him) — and that made me show up in his “viewed me” — so he contacted me and was like “hey! never saw you on here before! how are ya?!”

    and he told me that he had left early cuz his friend was watching his child for free but he told his friend about me when he got home…

    Yeah, he seemed nice enough to me too, but um, no sexy vibe there…

    and we all know I’m looking for sexy…

    The clean-your-room guy looks pretty sexy. :)

    He wants to meet now.

    But he does not share our faith. :( WAAAA!!!!!

    That’s what was so great about WH and TN man — sexy Christians. Hehe. A rare breed.

    Maybe I should make that my dating headline:

    Looking for a Sexy Christian


    Sexy Christian Seeks Same

    😀 Lol.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:13am

  771. 771: life_is_too_short_to...No Gravatar says:

    That’s a good question, Renee. I am definitely feeling I am in the positive process of going from wanting to impress him so he will wake up to how wonderful I am, to simply expressing and not caring really what he thinks about it, because it’s not about him, it’s about me. And he is simply not up to delivering the goods,
    for whatever reason, and it is none of my business why. I have to respect his right not to feel what I want him to feel.

    Bottom line is that we are just not on the same page at this time. We do not click on the most important levels. End of story.

    It’s the whole past history thing…I am also friends with his sister and was close to the whole family when we were together back in the day. It really is a little different than just meeting a guy i happened to fall hard for. This is not an excuse to find my situation unique or different, it’s just that I think that if he respects my boundaries, which he is really starting to do, it is possible to maintain a platonic friendship, without hoping for anything else, and it will probably fade into keeping in touch a few times a year or something.

    Keep up the good work, all of it is already beginning to pay off, and you will be reaping those big rewards in no time…..and hugs to you

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:18am

  772. 772: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, isn’t that band playing again there in November? Do you know when?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:18am

  773. 773: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a fear that I will never be able to have a good relationship with a man who loves me.

    That I am not capable of sustaining a relationship with a man.

    I am afraid that I give off a bad vibe because of this fear.

    It feels like a tight ball in my abdomen and tightness under my ribs.

    Actually it is a big, underlying fear of mine which leads to other surface fears and anxieties around men ie: will he call/won’t he, does he like me… etc…

    I really want to melt away this fear and lately it is just always present, bubbling away under the surface! :-(

    I feel sad that I cannot feel my goddess status and feel love sometimes…

    I know it was made so much worse because of my last break up.

    Before my last man all my relationships were pretty awful. I was a crumb taker. Well I worked hard and changed my paterns and then I started meeting better men. With my last BF I really thought – this is it!

    We were planning marriage and children.

    I had not yet found Rori Raye tools.

    The relationship crumbled and I thought my only option was to leave.

    He is with someone else now.

    But it shook me to my core.

    I think it grew that fear I am describing…

    I know logically that this fear is not the truth. However I don’t feel it yet! Not really. I want to though.

    I also have a little dream. Where I am happy and sparkly. I have a little flat near my family and my life is full of love. I have a man who loves me and I am secure.

    I would like o grow this dream whle shrinking my fear.

    Is this something that will heal with time if I keep working on it?

    I hope so. xx

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:23am

  774. 774: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “a telltale sign is often the guy who pursues you despite your apparent lack of interest”


    Does that mean that if a woman pines over a guy despite his apparent lack of interest it’s a sign SHE is emotionally unavailable?

    So, it would be that dance Rori wrote about — the two emotionally unavailable people have to keep a certain amount of distance between them — when one moves closer, the other moves back, and then they switch, and on it goes….

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:24am

  775. 775: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    Was the movie you saw about Jerry Newport? I have met him…he is a sweetheart.

    Regarding AS and processing feelings messages…whether they can do it depends on the person. My son is great with it, but then, at the risk of tooting my own horn, I have an exceptional gift with working with AS. I have literally worked with hundreds of people with AS (I am now working with the more severe end of the spectrum now and wish I could be working with AS more again. Only have one AS teen right now). I have talked with my son’s doctor and she agrees that he is able to deal with the feelings of others, and has a lot of empathy, because of how he was raised. I started working with him since he was 5 (he’s now 17), plus he spent time at a private school where social skills were the focus (to the detriment of his academic skills – but he is doing great now in that area, too). But there are others, especially when there has been no intervention, where they lack “theory of mind” or have “mind blindness”. Some literally cannot comprehened that someone thinks differently than they do. Some can, but it is difficult, and they have a hard time figuring out what another thinks/feels. And when they do, they perceive it as “wrong”. Some can process it if you tell them, but might be surprised. And some, like my son, are good at reading others. And those people may be ok with others’ feeling, might be overwhelmed by others’ feeling, or might be angry with others’ feelings. Sorry this is so long…I sound like I’m writing a book. It just depends on the person. But this is definely is a deficit area. And when a person with AS is emotionally aroused (ie. upset) they have a very difficult time processing another’s emotions because they can barely regulate their own. We are all like this, they just tend to get to that place faster because they usually don’t self-regulate very well.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:25am

  776. 776: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    But Rori didn’t actually label it “emotionally unavailable” — I think she said “afraid of intimacy” …

    I can change.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:27am

  777. 777: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    We are all afraid of intimacy to some extent. We probably attract people with the same degree of fear.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:28am

  778. 778: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Lorelei –

    So WHY exactly do you think you might have AS? You did not score in the range, did you? I’m not sure what test you took.

    AS women often present differently than men, and there is not a lot of info out there. I was fortunate to be able to work with lots of AS girls, especially teen girls.

    It’s harder to tell with women sometimes, and AS in women sometimes gets missed. But, honestly, so far nothing you have written makes me even THINK you MIGHT have it. Do you have difficulty maintaining friendships? Do you misread social cues?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:29am

  779. 779: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a fear of never having that great relationship with a guy who loves me that will last.

    I think this is partly what sabotages my relationships. My fear takes over, I overfuntion, and end up pushing the guy away in an effort to hang onto him. I think I need a strong guy who can hang in there with me as I deal with it. I think dating myself will be very important once I’m in a relationship again. I’m hopeful because I have the support of you all and I am learning so much

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:34am

  780. 780: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, I feel icky every time I hear you say you failed again at relationship. “Failed” feels icky and harsh and untrue to me. What do you think? <3

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:37am

  781. 781: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — Thanks for the hugs!

    I’m putting everyone on Siren Island on notice that I’ve stopped taking my antidepressant and will be off it for the next 2 weeks in anticipation of trying a different, stronger antidepressant that I have really high hopes will actually kick my depression’s butt. As many of you know, depression is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time and I finally started treatment about 5 yrs ago. At first, it worked pretty well and I was at about 80%, which was pretty darn good by comparison. Over time, however, the medication I was on stopped working as well and over the past 3 yrs, I’ve tried virtually every combination of therapy and drugs there is, with the exception of taking a class of drug called an MAOI, which I’m going to try next.

    The big concern with MAOI’s is that even though they work on the vast majority of people, you have to restrict your diet and eat no aged cheeses (buy, buy, cheddar!), no red wine and no soy products and you have to be very careful about drug interactions (if you’re ever in an accident, the hospital needs to know you’re on an MAOI so they don’t kill you by giving you any of the forbidden medications). But in the reviews I’ve read on, the results have been miraculous for many people who, like me, had tried everything else under the sun and could either get either no relief or just partial relief.

    I’ve been with this psyciatrist over 5 yrs (maybe going on 6yrs?) and he’s one of the best in the area, but he says I’m one of his most frustrating cases (which, of course, just made me feel guilty). He specializes in psycopharmacology, so he knows what he’s doing when it comes to these medicines, but he says if this drug doesn’t work, he wants to call in one of the foremost psychiatrists in the country to consult on my case…wow — aren’t I special!?

    So, anyway…I suspect, over the next 3 weeks, I will be feeling a lot of sadness while I go drug-free and then start taking my new drug. So I may whine a lot or, I may just not have the energy to post at all…I don’t really know what to expect. I’m really scared, though, cause this is kind of a last-ditch effort and if it doesn’t work, I’m kind of in no-woman’s land. But again, this drug works miracles for many people when nothing else has done the trick, so I’m just praying it has the same effect for me.

    I can’t seem to get those 3 magic happy days out of my head…many of you (presumably most of you, if you’re not depressed) know what it’s like to actually look forward to your day and enjoy accomplishing things and interacting live with people. You know what it’s like to feel over-joyed. The only memories I have of those feelings are the way I felt during those 3 days and I want it back, so I’m risking feeling “not too bad” for the possibility of feeling “great”, and I hope the risk pays off! In the meantime, I hope you’ll bear with me if I’m insufferable — I’m working hard on getting better and that’s really all I can do right now. Thank you all for being so wonderful!!!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:43am

  782. 782: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    “I know I can be friends and not have to do the no contact rule, when I can be OK with seeing him with someone else, and not be mad, sad, hurt, etc. What do you think?”

    When I first found out that TN man got a girlfriend, I felt really sad and jealous — and I told him that in a feeling message, while also telling him that I felt happy for him, which was true, because I do love him unconditionally… I said something like, “I feel happy for you, but sad and jealous that I didn’t get to be with you.”

    His response?

    “Who says you won’t get to be with me? :)”

    I ended up processing my yucky feelings so well over the following days, that I ended up able to feel really good about being friends with him.

    When things didn’t work out with WH, I asked TN man how come the only two guys I wanted didn’t want me — him and WH…?

    His response?

    “Who says I don’t want you? :)”

    What a goofball. But he’s fun. And he always makes me feel good, and is very helpful with any sort of emotional or spiritual problem that comes up for me. Love him.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:48am

  783. 783: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — I’ve wondered about that very thing…if I continue to pine over a guy who was emotionally unavailable, does that actually mean I’m emotionally unavailable?

    I don’t know if you’ve read that book, but it would seem to suggest that a woman who pines over a man who doesn’t want her back is lacking in self esteem…what do you think?

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 10:53am

  784. 784: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — I understand why you feel icky when I say I’ve failed at a relationship…that feels icky to me too. That’s why I decided to stop all contact w/Blondie…because that thought kept surfacing after I would talk to him and it wasn’t healthy. Especially when he was being super sweet on the phone…it was like he was presenting himself as this incredibly wonderful, caring guy who, if I had just somehow been “better”, I could have won. It was like him saying, “See how great I am! And no — you can’t have me!”. Just too painful for me in my current emotional state. I think, once I get to feeling better about myself that it won’t matter if I happen to run into him or something…

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:00am

  785. 785: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    re: AS… My sister runs the Resource Room at an elementary school. She said the AS kids come into her room whenever they want to leave their regular classroom bc it feels overwhelming. They just walk up to their classroom teacher and hold out their hand, and the teacher gives them a Resource Room pass. The child enters my sister’s room and goes to the dark corner and lies under the table until ready to return to the classroom.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:00am

  786. 786: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Grrr…this just gets my goat! I hate it when a man writes me on Match repeatedly and then, after I haven’t replied, he sends me a curt note telling me that if I’m not interested, the least I can do is write him and tell him! Wtf?! Can you not read normal social cues? Do you have AS yourself? Why should I be required to write back every Tom, Dick and Harry who writes me?

    I’ve never written back to someone who writes something like that because all I’d want to do would be to tell them off for being so obtuse! Geez! Get a clue!

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:07am

  787. 787: LucyNo Gravatar says:


    “it would seem to suggest that a woman who pines over a man who doesn’t want her back is lacking in self esteem…what do you think?”

    I think No. :)

    My self-esteem is pretty high. That’s why I want him back — because I think I DESERVE a sexy Christian singer-songwriter who is fun and kind and smart and successful. I think I am so great and so good for him that I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want me. I seriously think he needs to come to his senses. :)

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:09am

  788. 788: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #769 – “That’s what was so great about WH and TN man — sexy Christians. Hehe. A rare breed.

    Maybe I should make that my dating headline:

    Looking for a Sexy Christian


    Sexy Christian Seeks Same”

    LOL! Xactly! That’s perfect!! 😆

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:13am

  789. 789: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz 628

    Yes I feel this way as well.
    Only me, it has happened before in my life and I changed continents often
    So I don’t want to listen to myself this time, I want to find a way to be happy inside myself

    The continent I left become nicer with time and I miss it. The place I live in, loses its attraction to me. So I switch and a few years later oooops again the way around.

    Being away we become all patriotic and all.
    I came back to my original place because I missed it. It was great the first years I came back.. Now I can’t stand it again and I can see why I left in the first place. I miss the other place. Looool

    I came thinking there were more family members in this part of the world, but it is all overrated for me
    Everybody is busy and live in different towns. I don’t see them more often than before and I don’t feel I belong on my own.

    But I am staying
    It would happen over and over.

    Being in love would help me see the place I live in, through tinted glasses lol

    My imaginary ex was an English man who lives in England. I visited him in England. I loved it. I would have moved there to be with him with no problem.
    But I am not moving anywhere to still be on my own.
    I don’t have the energy any more.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:16am

  790. 790: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    What med did you just go off? Have you tried adding Abilify? MAOIs are such a pain…sorry about that. But I guess it’s better than suffering with depression.

    Are you taking a break from CDing while doing your med change?

    I have dystheymia myself. Some of it situational depression (depression is huge for moms of autistic kids…and I have 2), and I also believe I have a genetic predisposition as well, looking at my relatives. I’m doing great on meds, and have considered going off, but am too scared to try with all I have going on. Depression sucks big time. So sorry you are having problems with your meds. And SO glad you have a good doctor.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:25am

  791. 791: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Here’s one in the town closer to where I live:

    Date: Wednesday, November 10, 2010
    Time: 6:00 – 10:00 PM

    So far no notices of any where we were.

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:27am

  792. 792: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Honey 640

    Thank you , may you be heard :)

    Monday, 1 November 2010 @ 11:28am

  793. 793: HoneyNo Gravatar says:

    Renee –

    I always write