First I want to tell you how much your tools have helped me and how thankful I am to have found you. I feel so much more open, authentic, happy and feminine (& comfortable in my femininity) since I started using your tools about 6 months ago.
I know that you say a girlfriend doesn’t make a guy off limits, but I can’t find where and am having a hard time getting comfortable with that. I’m super intrigued by a guy I work with (but not closely. He’s only in the office once a week for about half an hour) but who has a girlfriend. He’s made it no secret that he’s attracted, but when he took me out a couple months ago, he mentioned he has a girlfriend.
We haven’t seen each other since, but we talk often. He’s a combination of masculine, caring and sensitive that I’m finding hard to resist and is admittedly unhappy with her. I told him I felt curious about why he’s with her if he’s obviously not happy with her. I found it more endearing that he didn’t speak badly of her, just says they fight all the time and she keeps saying she’s moving out of state and he tells her, “then go!” But she stays. Apparently they dated awhile ago, and she got pregnant but he wasn’t the only one he was sleeping with. He’s been helping to raise the baby anyway.
When I’m around him I feel feminine, open & genuine – like he brings out all of my very best qualities & it seems it’s only a matter of time before the girlfriend is history. It’s so easy for me to practice the tools on him and I like that – alot. I have no intention of taking this any further as long as the gf is around. I keep feeling guilty that we’re so flirty, but remind myself that she’s a girlfriend, not a wife. There are lots of questions, but seemingly no good answers around this subject on the blog right now. I’m wondering what your advice would be in this situation.”
Okay – I want to clean this up.
Let’s say you’ve got Targeting Mr. Right – and you’re Circular Dating. You are a Circular Dating Diva.”
You meet a guy who flirts with you and even asks you out once.
He shows up at your work occasionally because he works there occasionally, and always flirts with you.
He told you on your date that he has a girlfriend. Who has a baby. He’s not clear on whether or not the baby is his baby, too. (If you’d like to help me get this straight, I’d love it…otherwise, we’ll just call it a question mark.)
Now…you like him.
He’s attracted to you – you can tell.
And….that’s it. That’s all there is.
You don’t have to do anything until HE does something.
The girlfriend means NOTHING – unless it means something to HIM! He’s “fair game” in that you need have no guilt feelings about dating him.
BUT – if he’s in love with her – you’re never going to get close to him. Not going to happen.
If she’s a “for now” girlfriend – you have as excellent chance of him moving closer to you as HE has of getting closer to you. In other words, the playing field is “level.”
So – here’s the deal: Are you wasting your time and energy on him?
And the answer is ALWAYS YES!!!!!
No matter WHAT the circumstances (he’s recently separated, just divorced, getting divorced, living with a girlfriend but not in love with her….whatever) the ONLY thing that matters is what he DOES around YOU.
If he makes a lot of effort to see you, then you get to set your perimeters of how you want this to look (he has to be officially separated or divorced, he has to move out of the girlfriend’s house…whatever you want…).
If he makes a lot of effort to see you, it’s exactly the same as with any OTHER man you’re Circular Dating.
If he makes a little bit of effort to see you – it’s STILL the same as with any other man you’re Circular Dating.
If he makes no effort at all to see you – then –there’s not even anything to Circular Date with.
He’s either there or he isn’t.
It might take time to find out where this man is. In the meantime – you Circular Date him. That means you flirt, you have coffee – whatever HE invites you to…and you observe. You observe to see if you’re a good match, if you’re on the same page, if you’re in the same place.
If you start to feel uncomfortable, you back off. You stop Circular Dating him.
I know this sounds way too simple – but it IS SIMPLE!!!
Just by trying to figure this out – you’re giving him WAY too much power!
See if you can take his circumstances and this other woman out of the picture, and just respond to him the way you would ANY man. Practice with him the way you would ANY man. Stay OPEN to him the way you would ANY man.
Can you break the situation down this way? It requires stripping away all the extra stuff that’s crowding your thinking around this. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with his girlfriend/no-girlfriend situation.
He’s either there with you or he’s not.
Let’s see what he does.
YOU, in the meantime, Circular Date and keep in good touch with how you’re FEELING. Because here’s what the REAL problem is:
Because you’re unsure about the “logistics” of his situation, it’s making it so you can’t be open, authentic, warm, openly attracted to him, confident with him. All the Modern Siren things you know how to be. You can’t practice drawing him in, because you’re feeling confused and guilty about his “situation.”
You’ve created a situation here with a man who you don’t know his actual “availability.” So….FORGET ABOUT THAT!!!
Just Circular Date him. Practice trusting yourself in the moment instead of trying to guess what’s going on, and what’s going to go on several moments from now.
He’ll fill in the blanks as you go – and if there’s nothing there – you won’t be invested because – you KNOW how to do this!!
If you’d like to take a look at Targeting Mr. Right – which is the program for this kind of situation…here’s the link:Targeting Mr. Right