Here’s a letter from Mandy – who’s not exactly sure what she wants – but she wants something different from what she has:
“Rori, I’m in an interesting situation. I have deep feelings for someone in my “dating circle,” have become the closest person to him, and yet I know I am not ready for anything serious. He isn’t either.
We just like to watch movies, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, talk…(we’ve been seeing each other for four months and have only had sex three times, so I know he’s not in it for just the sex, but then, men do like to cuddle with women…). I am the only woman he treats this way even though he circular dates, too.
He tells me he highly values what we have. I really do too. I am just so used to being a “serial monogamist” that I’m used to falling into crazy stupid infatuation (this is the first time I’ve seen someone this long and haven’t said the l-word). I’m really fighting the urge to call or email him right now and it’s really, really hard.
Boy do I miss him.
Just want to be around him and have him hold me. I talked to my therapist about it, and he said it sounds like he has feelings for me but he’s afraid of commitment because he’s been badly hurt. I am in the exact same situation, so it’s almost like we’re being super careful with each other because of it, and yet holding to each other very tight in a way as well…
Any feedback would be much appreciated. And thanks Rori for your help, you have insight to living life in a very fulfilling way.
Mandy - If he’s dating other women – I don’t know what he feels for you.
The fact that he doesn’t want to have sex with you all the time is not a good sign (though I would expect him to rubberband back and forth as you approach the 4-month mark…).
Circular Dating goes only ONE way – YOU get to Circular Date, he doesn’t.
If he’s seeing other women at this point – there’s a chance he sees you as a “friend with benefits.”
Now – there’s nothing WRONG with any of this!!
The thing is – I don’t want you to be LYING to yourself about what you want.
If you want more, and he isn’t into it – then being “cool” is not much of an option.
The relationship coach who talks firmly and with no nonsense about this is Evan Marc Katz - you might go to his blog, and ask this of him, also.
I believe he would say exactly what I’m saying. If this man doesn’t want to be your boyfriend at 4 months – either you’re both way too young, here, or he just isn’t your Mr. Right.