Is He Stringing You Along?
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Have you ever stayed hooked on a man, afraid to do anything that would rock the boat, even though the relationship is totally stuck?
We all have. And I don’t want you to do that anymore.
Here’s a letter from Jeanette to start the conversation:
“Dear Rori, I am in a long distance relationship and have been for 2 years. He says he is not ready to commit. I want that but he says it takes him a while. With his first 2 marriages, he said it took him 4 years each to make the decision. Well we are 55 and 57 years old. Come on!! I don’t think it should take this long…is he just stringing me along? Please help! Jeanette”
***Jeanette, here’s my short answer: Yes and No.
Yes, he’s stringing you along…and…
No, he’s not, because he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He thinks you’re OKAY with this. He thinks this is “dating.” He’s “expecting” to know what he wants to do about you…sometime.
In other words — it’s not his fault that you’re stuck like this — and so what we need to do is find your ANGER — and instead of turning it on HIM, use it to get you OUT of this stuck-in-the-mud situation and COMPEL him to step up and commit.
The problem here is in your interpretation of what he says and what’s going on.
What you need to do — right now — is
1. Circular Date. In fact…I would OFFICIALLY Circular Date by putting up an online profile, getting the word out to friends that you’re dating now, and going to events and classes that interest you so you can make new friends who will lead you to more men.
The exact how-tos of how to USE Circular Dating (even if you’re not technically “dating” right away) are in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and there are lots of free Tools around it on this blog…
The very fact that you would stay in a long-distance relationship this long with a man who has clearly told you he’s not ready to commit to you tells me that you’re terrified of real intimacy and a real relationship, so…
2. The work you need to do is to get yourself ready to get deeply involved with someone who doesn’t have such “issues.”
This would be my confidence-boosting Tools and Tools for getting strong on the outside and soft on the inside and becoming a MAGNET for men just because you’re so totally IN LOVE with YOURSELF — like in Modern Siren.
3. For now, just focus on my Tool of Feeling Messages - practice delivering them NON-STOP as a way to get more connected to your most important asset - your EMOTIONS, and learn how to express them in the most appealing and good-feeling way possible.
Most men are very lonely — especially at this age — and would LOVE to marry a woman who’s confident, financially stable and affectionate. Go find those men!
4. Get your focus OFF of this particular man. He may step up, he may not…either way — it’s YOU who must go forward.
And we’re all here to HELP you…
Love, Rori
written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »
Bethany says:
This reminds me of what a girlfriend said to me once about Christopher–”He’s not stringing you along, Bethany, you’re stringing yourself along.” I just got back from two weeks in Ireland with him, and it was quite eye-opening…I practiced feeling messages and touching objects to stay in the present. I paid attention to how I felt in his presence…I noticed that I feel small, and nervous, and kind of numb. I also feel kind of clumsy, tripping and dropping things more often.
The feeling I like the least is that I feel like a friend. I feel treated casually, and this grew as the trip went on. He held my hand less and even got kind of mean but in a way that was “joking,” saying my pale skin is “pasty,” and calling me a slob because I ate more than him (i.e. I like to eat fewer meals more often), but he’d say these things and then grab my hand and kiss it or put his arm around me. So I felt angry and hurt and at the same time felt like I SHOULDN’T feel that way because he was clearly “kidding” and my sense of humor should be better. Because of this automatic judgment, I felt confused and clammed up.
I told him before we left that I didn’t want to get too physical, but a few times he would roll over in the middle of the night and we’d mess around a bit, which was harder to say no to because I was only half-awake and it felt okay at the time…but it always ended prematurely and in a way that was deeply unsatisfying for me. But because I’d said I didn’t want to do too much, I couldn’t really assert that…I felt used and angry and tense and cold, though, one night, and after that he stopped wanting to fool around.
About 4 days before the trip ended, he ran out of cash and I had to spot him money. He doesn’t have a job yet as he graduated in May (he’s looking, I guess) and he told me he couldn’t pay for his half of the rental car until he gets a job in a couple months. I felt taken aback because I wasn’t counting on him not giving me that money and I didn’t plan on PAYING for him and him running up a tab on me. SO now he owes me almost $700 and I don’t know when he’ll get it to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t ever.
I told him “I feel weird having you owe me so much money…I don’t want this to feel like a business transaction”…
Things I expect to happen DON’T happen, and I’m not reciting all this to complain (maybe I am deep down), but I feel like the trip opened my eyes a little more to who he really is at this moment, even though I want him so much to be different. Reading what I wrote, if I was someone else, I’d see a girl letting some guy take advantage of her physically, emotionally and financially. I am letting him treat me like a doormat, but even though I know I have potential to break out of that, it feels sooooo hard in the moment to not freeze up and go blank and then feel it all come up later in tears.
I truly am resisting the circular dating thing because I am super attached to feeling disapproved of and guilty. There is a street dance in town tonight that I’ll go to, and hopefully talk to other men and practice tools…but if that doesn’t work out, I will feel impatient and frustrated enough to put up an online profile or two.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 2:20pm
Bethany says:
Or maybe it’s as simple as this: a woman can cry and feel terrible about a guy as much as she wants and still never feel like enough of a victim. If I broke up with Christopher tomorrow, I would most likely get hooked on some other guy who wandered aimlessly by just so I can use him to beat myself over the head with some more. When Christopher treats me like shit, it’s because I treat me like shit. When he treats me like I don’t matter, it’s because I treat me like I don’t matter. I want to stay away from the whys my tendency to feel this way about myself–why I choose to believe the worst about myself–but it’s not what I want. I don’t want to feel chemically hooked on a guy who is not treating me well. I want to invent a drug that blocks oxytocin so women never have to get bonded unless they know it’s a good choice for them. I feel really angry and I feel bored with my anger because it’s useless. I want to get the hell out of this small town and I feel viciously disgusted with it and with the state of my life and I want to not beat myself up. Just another choice. I feel kind of calm, but I don’t know if that’s numbness. Yep, it is…I feel numb, and that means I have hit some trauma, and next time I can get deeper underneath it…I feel sad, I feel my sinuses get really tight and I feel nauseous and scared and lonely and completely unmotivated. Even though I have all these icky feelings, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Even though I feel numb and shakey and depleted, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Even though I feel anger knocking around in my stomach I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I just stared out the window for a bit at the birds in the trees and now I feel like moving away from the computer and going for a walk. I feel a little better.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 2:38pm
alias girl says:
i feel good to read this post. and also bethany’s comment. i also feel angry. i also feel a lot of frozen-ness today. i felt i have completely swerved off my happy track due to this legal/bullying drama at my job. (yes still on going. in jesusgodallahbuddah and anyone and everyone’s name may this be Over asap. )
but i have been in complete boy mode (not complete but a lot). i have been up in my head. i have felt defensive and scared and worried and sick and weird.
i feel grateful it all happened but also Over It. i wish it could have gone down differently but IT DIDN’t.
but men and socializing have been the last things on my mind and my sole focus was on SURVIVING.
i feel derailed. i feel a desire to be compaasionate with myself and tell myself i love myself. i love my derailment. i love my loneliness. i love my supreme need to be hugged for a very long time. i love my frozen-ness. i love my sad face. i love my feeling trapped back in the cage that i had begun to fly from.
i love my alienation. ugh. i feel FROZEN. that feels like gray space in my body. i love the gray space. i love the synapses that are frozen before being allowed to fire off. i love the blank nothingness that takes over and i feel like i am just trapped in some non moving ice sculpture. i love it. how wonderful. ack. totally not. i love my defensive sarcasm. i love my pining over men who aren’t really stringing me along as rori says also in this post. yes and no but it is more me stringing me along like bethany says.
i feel ready for more real. more receiving. more love. more romance. more caring. more specialness. more intimacy.
i feel a desire to get back on track with rebalancing my life and expanding my socializing.
i feel grateful. i also feel very excited to witness everybody’s growth. !
thank you for easy graceful godd-feeling social occassions that come to me easily and affordably and allow me to experience warmth and community and safety and fun.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 2:49pm
Sunshine says:
I have let men string me along when my bondaries were or I was needy. I am so grateful for this blog. This blog has created a new perceptions. I had never heard of circular dating and always dated just one man at a time. Now, I feel for the first time in my life I am truly ready to try circular dating and live and participate in realtionships that are healthy for me.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 4:03pm
Ann says:
I like this post. I hope Jeanette uses Rori’s advice.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 4:31pm
Winks says:
Bethany, I often feel the same in that situation. When a guy says something insulting, I’m stunned, numb, I clam up I don’t say anything. And then I suppose the more I react that way, or don’t react he’ll just do it again.
What is this numbness? Why does this happen?
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 7:56pm
Sunshine says:
Often I find that the numbness has do with me not being able to express honestly how deeply he has hurt my feelings.
Saturday, 1 August 2009 @ 10:43pm
Tina says:
I created an online profile and spreading the word I am single and will be dating. I’m not sure how I feel about it, just doing it. I have a date in about 10 minutes, were going to the big M, well the reason being is we were up late and he asked me if I would like to go, I said yes, it is a 2 hr. drive from where I live, I explained the cellphone situation anyway, He’s 36
and way shorter than me lol. I’ll see how I feel.
I havnt heard from 11/2 yr. man since thursday night when he came to pick up his tools and left half of the tools here. I’m not sure what to make of this. I feel tired right now chatting online , but the Big M sounds good to me. I cleaned my fridge and have nothing to eat lol. I remembered toast and tap water lol.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 3:50am
Linda says:
Hi all
Tina - I did the same thing you are doing. Created a profile and posted it. I was inundated with men contacting me. I am not bragging but I was totally shocked to receive the attention. Here is the thing, I had 5 men in my rotation at one time. I actually was a bit tired doing that. lol, I dont know if I would call it fun, because I am still a one man woman and it was a constant push on my personality. However, I learned from all of them something good for me. They all definately have a message. Rori is right when she says it is free therapy and I learned valuable things about myself. I have to say though that the quality of men did not really improve, they were all about the same.
I was trying and have gotten over a man that I loved with all my heart when I found this site last summer. At first I would compair the men to him but in time that faded. He still had stuff here are my house, tools etc. I used to think that it meant something, but in the end all I was to him was free storage till he got his own place. I heard from him a year after he left me and he proclaimed he would like to be friends. I did not respond. I just put his stuff in the yard for him to pick up. The connection between us was like nothing that I had ever experienced before and I thought that he left stuff here so he could have a reason to some back but that was not the case. Do yourself a favor , get all his things together and call him to come and get them it is the healthier thing to do. Take the bull by the horns and get it done. If a man wants you he will come to get you whether he has stuff there or not.
As far as being strung along? I think that we are to nice to men as a whole. At least I have been. I actually have become weary of men who dabble in my life for their own amusement and are not real. We have goals for our lives and since I am 50 now, I just dont have lots of time to invest in something that will not produce the result I am looking for. What I have found more than not (which is contrary to what Rori suggested) is they are complacant. They want someone to spend time, sleep with, cook for them, because they are lonely but they are so baggage laden by the last women or relationship that they act like deer in headlights when it comes to commitments. It it quite frustrating actually.
This last guy I was very interested in, told me he loved me and wanted a life with me but just couldnt make that exclusive commitment to me because he was afraid of making another mistake! I cant tell you how many times we had been around that tree. I walked last Wednesday night. I did not want to but I when a man tells you that he prayed and God gave him confirmation that I was the one for him and then he goes and sees, talks to etc, online with others, I felt disrespected and un honored. His character is not up to par. I cant tell you how many times he has done this, so I guess he was stringing me along? The last post talks about how we make decisions. Was he carefully considering, or looking for the “gut feeling”? How in the world can you know. I think 5 months is enough. It just did not feel good. I am disapointed that it did not work out but he has some heavy issues and I probably much better off without all that. ie depressive behavior, recreational use of pot, money problems, emotional baggage. Wow he was a train wreck now that I think of it.
I need to figure out what it was I was thinking!
Linda
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 6:55am
Winks says:
I’m looking around and finding a lot of men with baggage and a chip on their shoulder. They are very free with listing all the things they don’t like in a woman. They can do just enough to make me believe they just might actually like me for just long enough that I become hooked. Of course at that point they realize the game is over and they know they have nothing more.
I am trying to screen more up front and not fall for it. If they have lots of issues and their own life is a mess I know they will never be able to commit to me. They aren’t capable of being the man I need them to be.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 8:11am
Winks says:
I string myself along when I think, I do deserve all the good he has to offer me. I’m so amazing of course he wants to spend all his free time with me for my amazing self and not because he just wants to sleep with me…
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 8:24am
cookie says:
So I was up until late torturing my brain. I am trying tp practice my speech. I would like feedback on it if u guys don’t mind. “I felt humiliated on friday when u cursed me. I felt disregarded n unloved. I don’t want to the victim of your anger and rage. Fri made me feel so unimportant and I don’t want to go back to that place again. It doesn’t feel better to just hear I’m sorry. I don’t want to shut down but I don’t want to tolerate this behavior. What do u think?”. What do u guys think?
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 8:54am
Bethany says:
Hi Cookie,
I would take all the “yous” out of it because right now, while it feels very honest, saying “your anger and rage” is talking about him; just “I felt…” and the only “you” is the very short description of what he said, so he knows what you’re referring to. Also maybe deliver it one line at a time and listen to what he says in between; the words you use may change then–I find they sometimes do for me and don’t fit the moment exactly as I’ve written them. Also, I wouldn’t say I don’t want to be a victim because that feels like giving him power over you…
I feel bad because I just facebooked him to let him know I found his wallet in my car. I know I’m not supposed to contact first, but my dutiful voice said I should and I caved to it. I feel like I keep making mistakes, and I want to love my mistakes, but there are just so many of them…I feel weak and angry and irritated at him for always losing things and I feel angry and annoyed because I don’t want to have to mail this goddamn thing to him but I feel so GUILTY witholding the information that I have it; I want to not send it to punish him, and that feels mean…I kind of feel good when I think about punishing him, and then I feel embarrassed and guilty again…I love my guilt, I love my weakness, even though they feel very uncomfortable, I hear my voice tell me I’m a bad person for feeling vindictive…I love my vindictiveness, I feel outraged and superior to him because he’s so irresponsible…but that feels like blaming…why am I here? I don’t know…cause I’m irresponsible? But I have a job, I pay bills and my rent…I love my irresponsibility, I love my ability to be lazy, I love my laziness and my procrastination and my resistance to change, I love my stubborness even though it feels painful, I feel tightness under my skull and my eyelids feel like heavy lead weights, and I love my icky feelings, and I can’t separate them anymore, I just feel ICKY and I love my ickiness, I love myself even with all the icky feelings, I love myself even though I feel terrible, I feel like crying, I feel lonely, I feel lonely, I feel lonely, I want to have friends here, people who understand me, I want to be understood, I want to accept that I am understood and not alone and I feel really embarrassed and ashamed. I feel ashamed and my teeth are grinding together and my head hurts, and my shoulders are tense…I love my tight feelings, I want to relax, I don’t want to feel bad about myself, I want to forgive myself and I want to forgive him and everyone else I feel resentment for. I don’t want to feel resentful, I want to feel free to love, I want to feel relaxed and clam and be able to laugh again, and able to shift my attention away from the poetic dramatic ickiness to the lighter parts of my life. I want to feel unafraid of the icky feelings, I want to make friends with my icky feelings, I want to be nicer to myself, I want to have everything I want…that feels scary, like impossible and a dream, but who says I can’t have all that? The nasty voice, trying to keep me boxed in, and it’s okay, I love my nasty voice, it’s trying to protect me, because I am so soft and sensitive. I needed a strong nasty voice to protect myself until now when I can be strong on the inside and scoop up all the softness, cotton candy and ice cream and strawberry jelly I feel like on the inside and wear it on the outside…that feels scary, like I’m not protected…I am covered in goo and that feels kind of funny, kind of ridiculous, I feel sticky and messy on the outside with cotton candy and ice cream and jelly covering me head to toe…my inside is empty now, and so I can put a tree trunk down my spine, grounding me to the floor, and fill the empty space where the candy was with gravel and rocks and lead. I feel heavier inside. I feel less like I could be knocked over with a feather. Instead, the feather would just stick to all the jelly. That feels completely ridiculous and stupid, but I like it. I feel better now, I want to get back to basics and keep riffing on the blog…I’m going to clean my apartment now, I feel motivated to clean up my space and have a better relationship with the material objects I surround myself with.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:04am
Daria says:
Winks - I feel concerned hearing you say that you string yourself along with this thought
I do deserve all the good he has to offer me. I’m so amazing of course he wants to spend all his free time with me for my amazing self and not because he just wants to sleep with me…
This is the Siren Mantra! It feels great to think and believe and does NOT lead to stringing yourself along. Poor boundaries are what lead to being strung along.
A woman thinking this Siren Mantra with strong boundaries would express her feelings at behavior that didn’t feel good, and then walk away, STILL thinking the same thing.
Linda - in Circular dating its important to date more than just the initial 5. We let go of some of them, more come in, its the River of Men. As the river flows by and our boundaries get stronger, Then our river improves.
I feel triggered hearing you say that youre still a one man woman, I feel defensive and think of course we are all really one man women. I feel triggered reading about the in and out my life man, Ive been reading along and noticed a lot of thinking about him and what and why he’s doing, and not so much i feel upset, i feel angry. I feel concerned that theres leaning forward and insufficient boundaries. I feel all guilty and controlling and not good enough at expressing what I want which is that i feel triggered because I noticed what to me seems leaning forward and I know that will not work and I feel frustrated.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:11am
Daria says:
Bethany I love your beautiful riff!!
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:14am
Winks says:
It feels delusional in hind sight thinking he must really be into me…only to find out he wasn’t.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:55am
Erika says:
Winks,
He probably was really into you, and someday might be again.
Daria,
I love what you wrote here:
“Ive been reading along and noticed a lot of thinking about him and what and why he’s doing, and not so much i feel upset, i feel angry. I feel concerned that theres leaning forward and insufficient boundaries. I feel all guilty and controlling and not good enough at expressing what I want which is that i feel triggered because I noticed what to me seems leaning forward and I know that will not work and I feel frustrated.”
I feel frustrated, too, with all the “stories” I’m hearing about men and why they are doing what they do. Not to be flip, but who cares? The stories and analysis are never where it’s at. All that matters is whether what he’s doing feels good, here, now, to me. If not, am I able to find a feeling good place by communicating with him honestly? And if not, do I decide not to have him in my life at all? Focusing entirely on how I feel, what I want and don’t want, and what I do have control over, which is my own choices.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:09am
cookie says:
thank you bethany for responding to my speech. i will work on it.
i feel alot of the ways you mentioned in your riff. i feel i have such a long way to go to loving me completely.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:20am
Simply Shannon says:
I just wanted to say thank you for all who share here. I’m in a dark place right now. Reading your words (which feel so much like my own) are truly helping me. When I feel capable of sharing back, I will.
Bethany: I loved your riff. Exactly how I feel at the moment. And I love the idea of my outsides being “cotton candy, ice cream, and jelly”.
Erika: I love your powerful words. You are so right. I need to focus on what I’m feeling and not on what he’s doing or done. I just feel too scared to let it all out, and focusing on him (while still painful) feels easier than facing all of my feelings. I feel ashamed and weak that I can’t face them. I do love my feelings and I do love me, but my feelings of doubt and insecurity are overpowering me at the moment. So maybe I am feeling something but I don’t feel like I’m releasing anything. I definitely don’t feel powerful.
I feel so guilty bringing my misery here. I just need this out. God…here are the tears finally.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 12:36pm
Daria says:
Aww Shannon, hugs!!! This is the place to bring the misery and the awful feelings!!! I love your feelings, and I ask the angels to protect and love you and hold u!
Feeling the feelings is the first step, you’re doing great, you will feel more and more and more it’s like working out, you get stronger, fast! and then get do amazing things, like leap through the air and spin around and laugh and tumble.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 12:39pm
Daria says:
Car show in SF. I feel so excited! I remember women saying that’s where they go to meet men… and I found one.. a carshow that is haha!!
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 1:19pm
Daria says:
Rori and other energy people -
Does your heart HURT when it is opening? My heart has been feeling pains the last day and a half. My friend categorized my description as heartburn. I feel unconvinced, as this is still happening when I woke up and it happened without food…
I was just struck that maybe my heart is opening. I heard of this in bellydancing and recently had a very intense dance …
I don’t know but I have often gotten the impression that my heart was not open… could it be opening and hence the little squeezy pains in my chest?
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 2:01pm
Erika says:
I feel enraged. This has been off and on all week. The “trigger” is a guy who was dishonest with me, but I feel baffled as to why I’ve been so angry about this for so long now. Usually these days I let things go pretty easily. So I figure it’s covering up something else … the anger feels powerful, it feels like I care less so it hurts less, but I wonder if it’s a deceptive power feeling.
Daria, yes, as the heart opens it often aches. That happened to me when I started getting Reiki sessions.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 3:55pm
Erika says:
I feel enraged by the word “girlfriend.” I feel like throttling the next person who says it. I don’t want to be a girlfriend, and I don’t want to hear about girlfriends.
I feel furious.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 4:04pm
Bethany says:
Erika–Amen, I don’t want to be a girlfriend either…I’ve been writing a profile to maybe put up online, but I don’t know…I feel guilty because I agreed to the girlfriend thing, BUT I can’t just date this guy all by himself because it isn’t good for me…I don’t want to have this co-dependent mousey thing control me anymore. If anyone here has this dilemma, or has had it, I’d appreciate hearing your stories: if you started “officially” circular dating with an online profile, did you tell the guy whose girlfriend you agreed to be? Do you have to? Did you feel like a bad person? I feel bad and guilty and SCARED because it’s a small town and people have assumed I have a “boyfriend” and what if they see my profile and TELL my “boyfriend” or somehow he finds out? What would you guys do?!
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 4:17pm
Rori Raye says:
Yes - I call this “feeling moved.” Happens to me all the time, still. Going from closed, in brain - to heart all of a sudden. Love, Rori
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 4:48pm
Erika says:
I feel like my anger is ripping me open. I mean in a good way. It feels like all this power is pouring into my body. And it feels like all the petty guy-related things I’ve been worrying about suddenly seem really small, and like the whole world is suddenly standing wide open.
I feel like I’m being transformed by my anger.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 4:58pm
tinque says:
“Does your heart HURT when it is opening?”
Oh yes Daria, big time for me. Every time it opens it opens just a little bit more, it hurts, sometimes so badly it’s like I pulled something, and I also get scared, and old triggers arise in weird places, almost inappropriately. This is when I have to be vigilant and know that it’s mys stuff coming up and has nothing to do with eg. K. And now when it wants to close, it hurts even more, but this is more of a grabbing, and ache clutching at and around my heart. .
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 5:12pm
Erika says:
Bethany,
I, personally, feel delighted by your situation because of the huge potential for amping up attraction. We hide these parts of ourselves away, the part that wants to date other men because we don’t feel fully appreciated … and yet the part we are hiding is exactly the part we do best to show. It’s when we reclaim the hidden parts that we become wildly attractive. We become Divas.
Some guys in the seduction community say that I am “batshit crazy,” and now I realize that’s a GOOD thing. It means a lot of life force is flowing through me, and I can’t be controlled by other people’s opinions anymore.
So, if I were in your shoes, I’d tell him about the online dating. I wouldn’t want to carry around the burden of hiding it. I would want to be honest and free.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 5:17pm
Erika says:
I’m a little scared to talk right now cuz this anger is so intense. I don’t really want anyone in the way of it.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 5:52pm
TW says:
Hi guys-
Sometimes I feel as though my LI strings me along sometimes. He was the one that said we need to take our RELATIONSHIP one day at time but I do not feel as though he participates every day when I do not hear from him every day. I called him twice today and got no answer but I talked to him yesterday. We have discussed rings, relationships, and the whole nine yards. My therapist seems to feel that it is time for me to put my wants out on the table and not play about it this time. He means really say wht I want and what I dont want just like Rori says. He said that if I do not mention what I want then the man isn’t going to ever step up because I seem to be okay with his actions. It made sense but I want him to step up just like he edid a few weeks ago you know. He was all about “US” and then when we get close he is gone again which hurts my feelings. If he is scared then say you are scared but if not then just go you know. I don’t even know how to reel him back in… I sent him an awful yet emotional e mail and it may make the situation worse but it is what I am feeling at the moment.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 6:42pm
Bethany says:
Erika–
Thank you so much for your comment. Wow. I didn’t even consider the attraction factor/reclaiming the hidden parts…I’m considering that this is why I feel so small and knotted up when I push away and try to reject the fact that I feel unsatisfied with what I have now, and I wrap myself up in guilt. I love your fresh, “batshit crazy” approach.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 7:06pm
Linda says:
Hi thanks for making comment and suggestions to me. I feel out of whack and distracted. It is like my life is stalled.
I think I stopped leaning forward a long time ago. I dont text , email, call first ever. (unless I am in a free flowing relationship) I do however still think about stuff alot but I am just wired that way. I am working on that.
I had my dating profile up but I took it down and deleted it last week. I needed to take a break from it all and I was convicted to do so. I will put one together when I feel released to do it again.
I feel drained by men right now and I am going to date myself. Today is my babies 20th birthday and I did not even have much strength to enjoy that. That scares me. I gotta get my head out of stuff and into some others right now.
I was a dinner tonight with my daughters, son in law, ex husband and mom for my daughters birthday. I felt so out of the loop, we took bunches of pictures but I did not want to be in any of them. My smile was fake. I dont like feeling like that. However, I had a pretty dress on, classy and black and some new shoes and I looked at myself in the mirror in the restroom and said out loud. Linda you are beautiful! You look so nice and thin and sexy in this dress and I dont care what anybody eleses opinion is of you. There was no one else in the room but it would not matter if there was I would have said it anyway. I just painted myself in love and it felt so good.
I am headed to bed, I am pooped.
Linda
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 7:20pm
Robin says:
Bethany, your riff was gorgeous, I loved the description of the jelly and cotton candy, and the idea of rocks is great, its something solid to work with, and Im gonna have to try it!
I’ve been so busy getting ready for the concert, and it was a huge success! It was really a great day, I four guys that Im seeing come, and I got to talk to 2 of the after the concert, the other 2 slipped out without talking to me but it really felt like I didn’t have time to even notice..
Well the guy who lives 5 hrs. away that sent the email about me not calling him…I finally replied last night, I really felt like it was important to experiment with this whole situation…this is what I wrote:
“I feel glad that you came both times, and I feel great with you and talking to you, and it feels sad not talking…
If you’re asking me to call you, then I will call. It would feel good to have a specific time set aside. What do you think?
I feel mad-crazy-insane, and completely wonderful about the concert! It s Aug. 2nd 2:30, Omgosh, this feels fantastic!”
To which he replied:
“Good Luck for the Concert !!
I am in Detroit.. in a wedding.. MY lovely Half polish Cousin’s wedding..!!
LOLz.. the Bridesmaid.. etc. and gals wanna dance with me.. Grabbing me.. I don’t like any.. As most of them are smoking etc. outside..
Wow. Concert is today..good luck
I am not asking OR pleading you to Call..
U can call.. ONLY if u like OR feel like calling
Maybe concert is over… when u get this msg.
How was the concert ?
cheers”
He also sent a good luck text.
You know, I really want to talk to him, I really feel sad that we have never discussed what happened while he was here, and I feel really uneasy not hearing from him, it feels totally crappy,
And I also feel a little worried that I’ve made some kind of mistake by waiting too long, and part of me feels like its mute at this point to call him, almost like well what the f*$# is the point if you’re not asking me to call you. I want to talk to him, but if I dont call,I dont hear from him, is that how its gonna be??
Or do I need to just bite the bullet? Am I missing something??
Im not trying to be bitchy or anything..
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 8:44pm
Tina says:
TW,
I got the same response you got, “one day at a time”, I interpreted that as falling in between him taking a crap and mowing his lawn. I really feel awful being described as having intimacy issues as Rori suggests lol. I did my speech in a half ass way, I cleared it up with him on thursday night, when he came looking for his tools. I dont feel the need to reel him back in. I’m not sure if I want him back, the lack of affection, distant, distracted vibes just really feels bad for me. I feel sad and lonely whenever I am around him. I feel he knows my boundaries have gotten stronger and will continue to get stronger with time. He would pretty much have to make drastic changes in his personality, whether he knows this or not, It’s me that has the power to end this going nowhere fast relationship. Yes , I allow myself to get pulled back in , I cry , I feel sad, hurt angry, I do all this alone and with the help of rori’s tools, to save myself.
I had a date with a massage therapist, he is certified and it is his passion. The pain in my neck is pretty much gone. He invited me to an ac/dc concert, im going. My ex husband is hinting that he wants me to come but no I wont, I have concidered it. I really never planned on going to this concert but now I have two invites. I feel no desire to explore my boundaries with my ex at this time.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:18pm
TW says:
Tina-
I feel weird because months ago he was I am not ready for a relationship and then he was let’s take our relationship one day at a time. Months ago he was I am not ready to get married to now talking about rings and stuff. We are great when we are with each other… It is the distance that tears us apaprt because it makes me feel that he is not committed and then all kinds of things enter my mind you know. We are jut in a weird place.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:22pm
Tina says:
Linda,
I had to date myself yesterday, I took myself on a swim date. I was going to take myself on a kayaking date, if my mood didnt pick up. I ended up with a date. I like dating myself lol. Kayaks are cheap to rent around here, I just would love to do that for myself, maybe buy one next summer.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:22pm
Tina says:
TW,
How would you feel about dating other men? NOW just write how you feel.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:24pm
TW says:
Tina-
I do not feel the need to date other men at this point. I was dating others and it was just not what I wanted.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:25pm
alias girl says:
i have this thing with men who say they will call and they don’t. i don’t feel like getting over my reaction to it. i feel like finding a man who calls when he says he will.
i don’t feel like giving this brand new man a “chance.” I feel done. it has NEVER come to good with men who don’t call when they say they will.
i feel better to be alone then ever experience this behavior from a man ever again. i feel over that whole issue.
call when you say you will or find someone else. non negotiable. next. i don’t care about your whiney excuses. i don’t want a whiney man.
ew. ew. ew. i don’t want a whiney man.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:26pm
Erika says:
Lol, I feel self amused by this idea. I can’t remember what it feels like to be upset that a man hasn’t called because I almost never talk on the phone. It’s mostly text messaging and in person. In fact, I don’t especially like it when men call me. I often don’t listen to the voicemails for weeks. I feel kinda relieved not to have that on the slate of possible worries. I also feel amused at myself.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:33pm
Tina says:
This is the tricky part, when you dont feel to date other men, is when you need to the most. I felt the same way, I cried a lot , feeling angry a lot, rejection, this is not what Im suppose to feel when I am in love or when someone is loving me.
I was in fact mourning my loss of my old self, because I knew intuitively it was the right thing to do for myself. I am trusting the process, I have to save myself. I feel that when I started this process, there is no way my feelings and body is going to allow myself to go backwards. This was the scariest part for me, my feelings of fear, my feelings of fear protected me for the time that I felt I was in survivial mode. I want more for my life. The scary feelings came when I did my speech, I did it in many ways you did, half blurting out, half email, half speaking to him face to face until I got the courage to say it finally until he got the message. At some point I thought that when I give him the speech he was going to step up, this was my ‘dream” I think thisis the point , sometimes I dont see the situation for what it is, he isnt “the one.” the feelings of anxiety that come when I feel that is my first indication something is not right. I dont know if I made any sense, when I write I just write, no editing no proofreading just writng lol.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:41pm
Ann says:
I’m taking a little break at the moment so thought I’d see how you ladies are doing. I’ve said it before and will say it again. The ladies on this blog are very beautiful, smart and feeling. I wish some of you lived close right now so I could say do you have a blank notebook I could get off you?
I’m looking around my house for one but haven’t found one yet. I want to create a “pray rain journal.” I really want to experiment with this and see the results.
Back to looking. Take care ladies.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:45pm
Tina says:
I feel put off when a man says he is going to call but doenst, I dont like feeling this way, what is that feeling, anger? impatience? disrespect?. I feel like I have low tolerance. I feel like a bitch lol. What really bothers me to no end is when a man calls but doenst leave a message, like hey I called, tina how are you ?. or say something I feel worthy of a message. I feel unworthy yeah when they dont leave a message, then call me and say I called, I say Oh I didnt get the message? oh I didnt leave a message, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I say, Im pissed off because it says you are not message worthy .
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:47pm
Tina says:
I just bought two new notebooks, I have one to spare Ann
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:49pm
Tina says:
I already have low self esteem, when a man says he will call and such and such a time then doesnt, I feel really annoyed, I feel annoyance is just a part of my feelings of worthlessness. Yeah annoyance, intentional or not. My feelings say its intentional. My little stranger freind came with me on my date , the little guy with the bat, I had to give him ice cream lol. He says he is just trying to protect me. He sat on his box,dressed in his tuxedo, happy as a clam, licking his ice cream.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:55pm
Ann says:
LOL Tina I don’t think we live close enough to each other. I’ll get one from the store tomorrow. That will give me time to figure out what I’m going to experiment in it with.
I understand how you feel when a messages isn’t left. But if I may let me give you another side to that. I absolutely HATE leaving voicemails and will very seldom do it. And it’s not because I don’t value the person I’m calling it’s just something in me. So maybe the men not leaving voicemails is more about them. Just a thought.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 9:58pm
Tina says:
That happened to me , with my date, he said he never left a message because he didnt want to talk to my voicemail. Two days went by and I didnt want to lean forward asking him why he didnt call. I sent him an email though , I left a feeling message in his inbox. I just said I feel disappointed, he asked why I told him. He replied saying what he said. He finally did leave a message on my voicemail saying he did call and could I please call him back at his number, I didnt he finally called me back and I picked up the phone.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:21pm
alias girl says:
yes ann i have notebooks you can get.
i told this man not to call past ten. he said: i will talk to you tomorrow baby. and i wrote back i was looking forward to it. and granted i fell asleep and did not answer his next two emails. which is actually another pet peeve of mine is when people just drop off after a conversation online and don’t let you know ‘hey i’m out for now.’
and that’s what i did last night to him. but i sent him replies to his emails today and said i was sorry for dropping off last night. not that he even said he cared or anything. i just dislike it when people do it to me so i wanted to apologize.
anyway so the guy doesn’t call and instead emails me at ten after ten.
ew. i feel completely turned off. i feel good about this boundary.
i don’t want a man like this. i really don’t. ew. i feel turned off. not even personally upset like i used to get. just turned off in a big way. i LOVE that my responses to toxic behavior are now healthy responses. hehe. in the past i would have been turned on in a really dysfunctional way.
i feel really grateful actually. yae. i wasn’t even that interested in this guy to begin with. yae. i get to practice.
it’s like i have other non negotiables.
one guy i met at the oil change place was a drug dealer. i was like hell to the no. non negotiable.
i can have a non negotiable like this. call when you say you will. or find someone else. it’s not personal. it’s just my goddess preference.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:30pm
alias girl says:
hey. i feel bad. i am so sorry but i really really can’t date someone who doesn’t call when he says he will. it is not personal against you it is just something i feel strongly about. I don’t feel comfortable. good luck in your search. you seem like a good guy.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:35pm
alias girl says:
i actually feel really good. high quality. self loving. i can tell if i made the decision by how i feel after and i feel good. i am telling the universe NO to this. because before i would say no and keep accepting the behavior. no i say no and turn away from the behavior and not let that person get next to me.
i feel very good i am getting better at knowing my boundaries.
i feel really oddly good.
i feel love for the sirens on siren island. i love to read what people share even if i don’t comment back to every comment i am reading and supporting and feeling grateful.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:44pm
Ann says:
Alias girl said:
“i love to read what people share even if i don’t comment back to every comment i am reading and supporting and feeling grateful.”
I second that. Now I feel it’s about time for me to get away from the computer.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 10:54pm
Tina says:
Alias girl
Same here, I just read all the posts, something triggers me then I write. I practice my feelings messages with emails I receive. I feel this is good way to get a lot of feelings practice in.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:26pm
Tina says:
for online dating and emailing.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:27pm
Tina says:
When I use feelings messages like I did today with my date, I am creating intimacy. Rori’s suggestion in one of her emails, that I have a fear of intimacy, really bugged me. I felt bugged but in a good way.
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:39pm
Tina says:
When I am reading a mans profile and he says feel free to contact me, I do make contact by adding him then just sending a message, hi (insert name) Tina and thats it, if they dont respond then I just delete and move on. Is this appropriate? what Does everyone here feel?
Sunday, 2 August 2009 @ 11:57pm
alias girl says:
the man emailed back and said i was “playing with his feelings” and i was “not nice.” and then added an icon with the tongue sticking out at me as if to say nah nah.
??????
ew. i feel toxic-ness.
i emailed back feeling messages for practice but all i really wanted to do was just delete his email. but i am practicing.
this is what i wrote:
” i feel good to be treated in a certain way. it is not personal. i feel bad to read your last email. i feel manipulated. i am not playing with anyone’s feelings. i am being honest and clear. i am staying true to myself and taking care of myself. if i was of such high interest to someone, i am sure they would take care to call when they say they are going to. i feel very turned off to have things turned around on me as if i am the one who somehow slighted somebody. i feel angry. ”
i feel it is bully behavior when someone turn things around to blame the other person in order to avoid their own sense of accountability. it feels like toxic behavior to me. in the past i would AVOID this interaction but since my BIG LESSONS right now seem to be to stand up to bully or toxic behavior and draw boundaries i felt good to practice.
ew. whiney man.
i feel my instincts were very good. i feel good i drew a boundary. i feel excited that i am almost done with this issue coming up. finally!!!!!!!!
non negotiable.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:03am
alias girl says:
now he’s emailed back an apology… along with lots of excuses. but at least this time he was polite. and i appreciate the apology.
i emailed back to him:
“thank you for the apology. like i said it’s not personal. it’s just not how i want to be treated. if someone says they are going to do something then i feel good for them to do it.
i don’t want a man full of excuses. if something is important to someone they will take care to do what they said they would. if someone is good with their word they will be careful not to make promises when instead what they really mean is “maybe if i remember.” or “maybe if i can properly prepare myself to follow through then it might happen.”
it’s just such a huge difference of personalities and values that it doesn’t feel like a good match.
good luck to you as well.”
plus his excuses were so lame and not even good excuses. i feel VERY GOOD not to date this man.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:15am
Tina says:
Alias girl, before I would have done the same thing, just delete and block lol. This a great opportunity to use feelings messages for ex, today I used “I would feel disappointed if it rains tomorrow, it means I cant go kayaking. The words “how are you?” is a great time to use feelings messages lol. I feel optimistic about online dating
My pothead admirer loves my feelings messages lol.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:17am
Tina says:
If someone makes a negative comment about my profile in an email, I just say “I feel defensive, I dont like feeling this way, it feels awful
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:21am
alias girl says:
tina i only intiate contact when my rotation is low or to practice. for me, personally,i find when i initiate contact it doesn’t go very far because the man is often in girl mode. i mean the site i am on they can see if i’ve viewed their profile so if i have there was obviously some interest on my part.
i need a man who can step up to the plate. i need a man who can take the risk that he might send an email and a woman might not respond. or she MIGHT. but how will he know if he’s just waiting for women to contact him?
that is just from my own experience. but i like to experiment sometimes if i feel like it or have nothing else going on.
other people might have had success in initiating first contact. i really haven’t.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:24am
Tina says:
Good for you Alias girl,
Thank you for that email, I felt offended, I feel disrespected , I feel mocked, I feel strongely about my boundaries, (were practicing but he doenst know that lol)
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:28am
alias girl says:
i mean men are HUNTERS. hunters would be on a dating site practically spamming women they might be interested in. not just sitting back and checking their inbox for new messages.
in my opinon.
i deserve a hunter. a rower.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:29am
Tina says:
Alias girl
I just started dating so I need lots of contacts (men) I do have my viewer on but my profile is hidden, I add them for say about a week, no response then I just delete off my list. I have two possible dates for a concert, one with my ex husband and massage therapist, I could add my 1 1/2 year man , I just dont feel safe enough to do this, it feels to fresh. A new guy popped up , I added him first and made contacct hi, minimum energy. I’m going to leave him alone for now and see what happens. Im not sure the number of men I need in my rotation.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:41am
Tina says:
I’m going to bed, I was out all day, its 4 43 am here, I cant wait to go back to work.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 12:43am
alias girl says:
i don’t feel good to start liking a guy and then try and get him to treat me well.
i feel good to have a guy treat me well already and then out of all the men treating me well, find the one i like the best and who likes me best too and wants to claim me.
i mean that just feels like a better equation to me.
wow. i feel it takes a long time for me for all these rori wisdoms to really sink in sometimes.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 1:01am
Tracy says:
Alias,
I went through the same experience with a guy i was dating yesterday…..we met on a date,but he was silent the whole time….I felt pressured to make conversation and somehow make the whole date fun for him….i felt compelled to be the MAN….it felt so icky and i tried explaining to him i was feeling uncomfortable with the silence and all and he insisted i have a drink…i started to feel bad so i thanked him for his drink and left for the salon….and it felt so good…..
I felt angry and triggered by him because i was exactly like that to other people in the past….I would sit and wait for the world to make me feel better and make me happy….I am glad i went to meet up with him because i was able to see a true reflection of past self and i set up some boundaries for my future date….I feel like a diva queen right now actually….
My instincts were right about this guy though…..when we were chatting online i kept feeling pressured by his requests….
I am still dating and i feel my boundaries are actually starting to form….I feel glad and happy….
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 1:24am
Katja says:
Hey ladies…
I want to share something I just read…
I searched for The White Stripes on Wikipedia and found an article with the description how Jack White and Karen Elson (his wife) met each other at the set of one of the White Stripes videos and how everyone sensed the energy between them. One month (!!!) later they married and now they have two children. I am a fan of both of them and reading this brought tears to my eyes. They seem to be so perfect for each other. Why I am writing this?
Because that is what I want,too. This one man who is so perfect for me,when I meet him and I know AND feel that this is THE ONE and everything falls into place.
Well,I had that guy and now he is dead and I feel so sad…
What do you believe,can there be another THE ONE?
I just feel so emotional right now and lonely and sad…I need some support…
Love,
K.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 2:56am
Tracy says:
Kadja,
keep and strong and always believe in the abundance of the Universe….it always provides that which we desire if we believe in ourselves….sending you big hugs!
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 5:15am
Tracy says:
I have been having dates where some of the men insist on hearing something nice from me……or they are feeling bored and they want me to cheer them up……
I no longer feel responsible for any person’s happiness but my own…and i feel happy knowing that…..I don’t even feel responsible for it anymore and i feel so liberated just knowing that….I am responsible for my own happiness…
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 6:30am
Erika says:
I feel really triggered about trying to start a business. I’m starting to feel very apathetic about dating. A guy left some really intriguing comments on my blog about celibacy, love, and pain, and I feel confused about it. He made it seem like sex always leads to attachment which always leads to pain.
There’s a part of me that says “I’m just not going to play this game anymore, at all, no matter how much anyone else makes it seem like I’m supposed to play this game.”
I also continue to feel torn because I enjoy this blog very much but I also feel like putting my attention here is possibly not helpful for my own blog and starting a business.
I feel a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts this week.
I feel happy that Daria and I did EFT last night.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 8:39am
Erika says:
I feel “done” with pain and unwilling to accept pleasure if pain is always going to be the flip side of it. And that is what Course in Miracles says.
I want to feel joy and bliss all the time. If sex always leads to pain, I will happily let it go. I don’t really miss it. I’m intrigued by the tantric aspect that I tasted in January, but the awkward flinging about of bodies and limbs, the worrying about condoms and diseases, the “where is this going” aspects, the expectations and hopes and disappointments — all that really doesn’t intrigue me anymore.
The ego’s hope and disappointment cycle feels incredibly tedious to me at this point. A big part of me is saying “let me off this ferris wheel, a big NO THANK YOU to what society says I’m supposed to want, cuz actually this just sucks.”
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 8:43am
Aldonza says:
I remember talking about letting someone I was dating “off the hook” by saying we’d be friends. And a good friend of mine pointed out, “he was never on the hook, you were.”
And he had a point.
I don’t want to be on the hook for a man who isn’t equally on it for me.
I’m feeling emotionally on the hook about “the one” right now. He’s doing his little dance again and I’m doing my best to lean back. I’m doing well with dating. It isn’t the manic dating I’ve done in the past to prevent myself from having 1 minute of down time. It feels more genuine. I’m only seeing men who I like and want to see. I know Rori recommends accepting from all men, but that is just too overwhelming to me.
I feel triggered about “the one”, but I feel positive that I’m handling it much better than I have in the past.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 9:52am
Bethany says:
I feel so pissed off. I feel so mad that I don’t DO anything at work. I literally sit there all day and blink. There hasn’t been much more than the odd hours-worth of work for me to do every day for the past couple months. I feel so scared that I’m going to get fired because they don’t really need me. I ask if there’s something I can do, then “no…not right now, thanks…” Ugh. I want to feel productive and worthwhile and valued in my work. I want to create and have my hands and my mark on something. I want to feel proud of what I do and I don’t feel proud of sitting in a cubicle reading Huffington Post all day long. God-effing-damnit I feel so angry. I feel completely indignant and snotty. I feel petty and mean. I feel annoyed and irritable and bitter and snide and I feel like throwing something. I feel like climbing onto the roof of my apartment building and screaming at this goddamn town how much I hate it and how much I hate the Midwest and how much I hate feeling invisible to men and co-workers and the Universe. This whole circular dating thing is a good idea, but the crucial part is having the opportunity to talk to men but what if they don’t fucking talk to you???? What if all they ever say is “hi” and you say “hi” back and that’s it??? Jesus Christ. I feel like I’m a ghost. I feel so insignificant and trapped and meek and small and I hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate that I put myself in this town. I hate it hate it hate it I want to throw waterballoons or chunks of raw meat or something at all the cars that pass by. I feel like toilet-papering people’s houses and just being MEAN and a menace so people will pay attention to me. I just want attention. I want attention because I believe I am ignored because I learned to be okay with not bothering my parents cause they were busy working and my dad was busy coaching other girls in soccer in high school instead of spending time with ME. I feel so pissed about that. I feel really sorry for myself and mopey and wallowing and I feel instantly guilty for feeling that way. I feel like I’m supposed to be “OKAY” with everything and work hard and you have to spend years working before you can enjoy life and why am I so mean to myself? I don’t know. I have a really harsh voice that’s got me by the throat right now, it feels really icky and I feel embarrassed and humiliated…I love my icky feelings. I love my embarrassment and humiliation. I don’t believe that. I love my embarrassment and humiliation. I want to believe that I deserve attention. I want to intend to believe that I can handle attention. I want attention. I want to be able to handle attention from men. I want to be able to feel good about feeling significant to men. I want to feel significant. That feels scary. I want to recoil and fold into myself. That’s okay, I love my recoiling…I want to feel significant. That would feel like power and that makes me feel guilty, like it’s a lot of responsibility and I don’t want to hurt people but why am I responsible for people’s feelings? I am not. I can be powerful. I can be significant. That feels like standing still. I feel like if I’m powerful and men want me then I owe them something. I feel obligated. I don’t want to feel obligated. I want to feel free to do what I want without considering other people’s feelings. Ugh. That feels mean. I want to be capable of taking care of myself and creating opportunities for myself without worrying about taking care of everyone else’s feelings. That would feel more relaxing, like settling into my own space and living in my own space and in my own world. That feels manageable and peaceful and lighter and less exhausting. I want to be able to feel free to create for myself. I want to feel like abundance and romance and HAPPY opportunities and choices are everywhere. I want to choose between two good things rather than the less of two evils. I want to have enough money to do whatever I want and I feel guilty thinking about enjoying money. It feels frivolous and I feel like my “hip” bohemian friends would judge me as materialistic. I feel like Christopher would judge me and be disgusted with me for being materialistic. But I want to not care what people think materialism is or isn’t. I want to feel comfortable spending money and not worrying about it. I want to feel relaxed about money. But having money is bad. Why? Is it? I don’t know. That’s my guilty voice talking. I love my guilty voice. It’s so unfailingly responsible. I want to feel great about money. I want to feel relaxed about money. I want to make lots of it. I want to take care of myself and be comfortable. I don’t care about recessions. I don’t want to listen to people moan about the recession. I feel bored with the recession and all the talk about how bad things were/are/are going to be. I want to feel happy and unconcerned and have beautiful things–clothes. I want clothes most especially. Dresses, lots of dresses, and shoes and bags and jewelry and coats. That feels greedy. I love my greed. I can have lots of money. I can beautiful clothes and still give to other people. Why does me having great resources limit others and take away from them? Why does loving clothes make me less of a person? Why is consuming ultimately bad? I don’t want to chug out of plastic bottles then throw them on the ground, I just want beautiful things. I want beautiful, clean environments and living spaces and pay my bills with gladness and buy what makes me happy and have fun with money. I want to be like that duck in Duck Tales that dives into the big swimming pool of gold coins.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 10:40am
Bethany says:
Alias Girl
I know what you mean about things taking a while to make sense. Intellectually it makes sense but completely different from “getting it.” I’m just inching my way there myself. But I can feel a real difference in you, since before I took a blog break. You feel a lot softer and more open to me. I feel happy for your progress and I want to emulate it.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 10:45am
alias girl says:
katja i believe people have as many chances at life as we wish. and there are many chances at blissful love. i believe people come (and go) from our lives for lovely reasons. i believe i can still have a relationship with someone who has passed on and talk with that person. i would talk it out with the person who left. i would tell him i felt furious for leaving and wtf was i supposed to do now. i would tell him i felt sad and missed him. i would ask if he could help me find someone else to love when the time was right.
i believe in second and third and ad infinitm chances. if i didn’t i would have to throw in the towel because certainly i have used up all my chances by now by all my mistakes. but i believe all people get more chances forever.
bethany - thank you. i feel so much softer. i literally had layers of defensive (and offensive!)energy shielding me before. i could actually feel it. and now i feel those weird energy shields removed. thank you for noticing and for the support. i feel appreciative. i have noticed your increasing strength and self worth and ability to separate other people’s stuff from your own. i feel supportive of you as well.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 11:30am
alias girl says:
i still have this weird energy gremlin of fear though. i can feel it hanging on to me and it feels like a leaden weight. i love my leaden weight that originally attached to me in order to help me and save my life but now it it feels restrictive and unhealthy. i feel crippled by this leaden weight. i love my leaden weight energy gremlin but i wonder if it might go find a new host that really needs to feel stuck in an ice sculpture because i would like to say thank you but let’s part ways now. i appreciate all you’ve done for me but now i feel very ready for lightness and freedom and fun. do you see how we might not be a match anymore, heavy fear gremlin? i am sure there are lots of people at work who would welcome you as your host. maybe the main person who was bullying me might appreciate your presence? thank you. i love you. thank you for all your help in the past.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 11:38am
alias girl says:
healthy vibrant loving cooperative supportive happy compassionate strong fun humorous spontaneous flirty sensual playful dedicated loyal trusting trustworthy clear pure god-like positive abundant generous uplifting unified respectful self-loving goddess open flowing connected
energy
thank you.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 11:45am
Linda says:
Hi Ihave been reading your alls comments. I can agree with lots of the feeling messages here. I feel them most the time.
I wish I could be this black and white all the time. It feels decisive and protective and Lord knows I need to hold that line all the time. but… there are some other elements to me that I have to consider too.
I am a intuitive, emotive and anaylitical type of person and decision maker. Add born again believer on top of that and you have a good picture of me.
I dont think it is healthy to let my feelings rule me all the time but it is important to know what they are. Used correctly they can be a compass but not always my captain. Feelings change all the time and several times a day. Do any of you pray and if you do what do you do with those convictions, prayers, answers.
Here is my example. This man I have been hung up on and admittly love, has done so many things I dont like that I kicked him to the curb the first week because he ignored my call and did not respond to my text. RUDE!… His actions triggered me because of my last relationship and I promised myself I would never go thru that again! I prayed about it all because that is what I do with everything. OMGosh, God said, I brought this man to you… I have a blessing for you and him but told me to be patient and hold on it was gonna be a wild ride but to TRUST HIM. He also said he does not recognize you yet but you are his last wife!… WHAT??? This guy claims I am not “all that for him” and is baggage ladden and cant be relied on, then he says he loves me and the next is telling me he just can make a commitment to me…what a mess he is. He comes and goes, but it is like he is drawn to me like a moth to a flame. Sometimes I feel tickled about his contortions because I hold the things I was told in my heart. Other times I said OH NO.. this does not work!.. what about me and my feelings and needs here… but I feel it necessary to share that this whole thing has made me stronger on so many levels. I guess I dont spend alot of time dwelling on my feelings because of convictions..that I tried to lay down and not believe… Get this… one time I was talking to a friend and said, I think I just misheard everything in my prayer..this is a cruel joke of some sort and said I just cant believe anymore…. not 30 seconds later I got a text from him and I had not heard anything in 3 weeks!…Just when I was about to abandon ship, the captain moved!… I am in control!…. so many things have happened like that I would be forever here writing them … There is a scripture that says “he knows my present trouble and is able to accomplish that which concerns my heart… so
I wanted to say I love this blog, and the viewpoints and help here. It is all so helpful. I have been trying to incorporate it all in and in the process be strong in holding to my faith and convictions too. What I see right now would indicate that my lovelife is going belly up but I know better. Drawing my last boundry was right. and feels good. What does not feel good is that he closed up toward me again… so be it. I feel strong, weary, but hopeful. I cant wait to see how it all comes to be. It is like I was given the end of the story and now I have to live and learn my way to the end.
This may not make sense to many but I maybe someone out there will catch my drift. In the meantime I learn each day and confront more about myself and grow and it is all good, hard, tiresome but good I am so much healthier than I was!..
Healthy things grow
Growing things change
Changing things challenge
Challenge forces me to trust
Trust leads to obedience
Obedience is healthy…. and
Healthy things grow….
Hugs.. Linda
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 1:39pm
Erika says:
thinking out loud here gals. So a little while back I doubled the rentals on a rental property using EFT. It sounds like there are a lot of women on here trying to start businesses and blogs etc. Seems to me we can use the same techniques to erase our limiting beliefs about starting a business. It might feel good to start a group devoted to this. I may post something later on my blog. This stuff is spozed to feel effortless
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 1:59pm
alias girl says:
linda i felt really inspired by your last comment. i very much believe in prayer and faith. i feel good to be in touch with my feelings which also helps me be IN my body rather than checked out.
last nigh i was in the presence of this man i am attracted to but he is so far unable to even set a date. so i said to myself what do i feel right now. i felt ignored. invisible. before i would have tried to engage him and be charming. last night i just sort of felt what i was feeling and was aware. out of the blue he says. “i really love your earrings. they look really nice. i must say you look really good tonight”
hmm. interesting. then i felt GREAT. but still no date. haha.
ah i got sidetracked with my story.
anyway linda i feel you are on your path. i feel compassion for your pain and confusion and devastation. i have felt similar at times in my life. i feel supportive. probably more will be revealed on a need to know basis. that’s how i feel for myself.
i have no idea what my future holds with this whole job fiasco. but one day at a time i feel i am shown what to do. but i can’t be in next week because it unfolds day by day. but if i look back i can see how i am cared for and protected and loved by the universe.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 2:18pm
TW says:
Linda-
That was beautiful what you wrote. I agree 100%. I too have had a conversation with God about the man in my life and I told him that if he is not the man for me then remove him from my life and give me the strength to move on. Throhg a prophet at church I was told that I was hurting and that everyone that has done something to hurt me would be back with an apology. God does things in his own time and I think he is just trying to groom us so that our marriages will be good marriages.. One without the unecessary stuggles you know.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 3:53pm
Bethany says:
Alias Girl, thanks for your comment, it felt good to read that.
Linda, I like what you said about the end of the story…
Erika, I want to do EFT, and start my own business–I would be interested in something like that.
When I got home from work tonight I collapsed in tears on my floor. I sobbed for 20 minutes. I feel so angry and scared of how angry I feel. Christopher left his wallet in my car and he lives 5 hours away–he asked if I would go down to the post office and check on how expensive overnighting it would be or maybe cause he’s going to be two hours away on Thursday I could drive it down and give it to him then? I went numb and wooden and all I could say was the nice and reasonable thing–”yeah, sure…I can get it to you…okay…” I feel like screaming at him “If you can afford to drive your ass two hours away from here you can spend an extra two hours in the car and come up and get it yourself you absolute fucking CHILD.” I feel so judgmental and snarly and spiteful right now. I don’t want to lift one goddamn finger to go down to the post office and do one goddamn thing for him–he OWES ME $700 and I feel PISSED OFF about it!!!!!!! Fuck him!!!
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 4:16pm
Erika says:
Bethany,
Cool. I’ll post about it tonite. My friend Kate Winch is also an EFT expert and may run the teleclass with me.
As for Chris, how about saying ‘you know I checked in with myself and realized I don’t feel good about paying to get your wallet to you, especially when you already owe me $700. Would u be willing to suggest some options that might feel better to me?’
And if that doesn’t work I would tell him you’ll leave the wallet somewhere for him to pick up .. I sure as heck wouldn’t drive or pay to get it back to him
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 4:28pm
Bethany says:
Okay, that felt kind of good. I feel like throwing and smashing things and breaking everything I own. I feel embarrassed writing that. I feel disgusted. I feel like punching him in the face. I feel scared of how rageful I feel and disgusted with NICE. I HATE MY NICE. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!!!!! I feel so mad because I feel lied to–I don’t WANT a little boy I have to take care of!!! What I want to do is say “No, I don’t want to go to the post office for you. I don’t want to be a caretaker.” Is that bitchy? I feel guilty saying that. Is that controlling, to NOT send him his wallet? I’m sure as shit not going to deliver it to him. If I did that I might as well start wiping his ass and tying his shoes for him.
Does this have something to do with my Stranger? She’s very withdrawn and sullen and SILENT. She never speaks. Just looks at me with a mixture of boredom and disdain. What does that mean? My silence controls me? Yeah, it really does. I feel like a mute sometimes–don’t ever say much at work, in social settings…and really struggle with finding words underneath all my NICE. I usually fall apart like I did tonight after work and then figure out what is bothering me…one extreme to the next…
I love my anger. I love my silent, sullen, angry, withdrawn Stranger. But I’m in charge now. I love my anger. I love my pettiness. I love my judgment. I love my silence. Even though it all feels uncomfortable, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 4:30pm
Bethany says:
Erika,
Thanks for the speech suggestion! He’s going to call tonight and I will try something like that.
Looking forward to your EFT teleclass.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 4:34pm
Erika says:
Sure thing, Bethany. I learned from Marshall Rosenberg never to engage in guilt-motivated giving because it actually hurts both people. He told an anecdote about a mother who cooked every night because she thought she “should.” When she took a Marshall class and finally stopped cooking, not only did she thank him, but also her sons thanked him too. Because the energy she was coming from with her “giving” was so toxic that they were relieved also when she stopped.
As for me, I feel FURIOUS. The anger’s not so much directed at anyone or anything, though I did tap in to fury at my mother for monopolizing the emotional bandwidth when I was a kid with her rage-aholic outbursts, while everyone else had to stuff their emotions.
But this anger feels powerful. It feels like the anger I had when I was 16 years old and wrote an entry in my journal that I swear changed the path of my whole life. I was so fucking fed up with “taking it” from people that I finally said enough is enough and put myself on a really cool trajectory for a while. I was the ugly duckling who turned into a swan and started having all kinds of dreams come true, including finding true love.
I feel like a Phoenix rising. I feel creative and powerful. I feel done with playing small. I feel like telling any man who’s not offering me “forever” and an amazingly beautiful life to fuck off.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 5:05pm
Bethany says:
Erika, I feel your anger and I like that you see it as powerful, and I feel good about being part of a place where anger is acceptable, great, powerful and good.
Linda and alias girl, I appreciate your statements about faith and prayer. Growing up with an atheist father and a Protestant mother who grew up on an Indian reservation (she’s white but absorbed lots of that culture and their beliefs, creating her own Christian-meets-Sioux understanding of faith), that is a part of my life I haven’t developed as much as I would like. I feel lots of faith and want to grow in my spiritual understanding. It feels great to be a part of blog community with people who are connected to that part of life. I feel like I’m shopping for churches like their living room furniture sometimes, but I feel okay with that, it feels kind of exciting.
I feel so sad and angry because my miniature horse died. His name was Teddy, and a mountain lion killed and ate him last week. I have been directing a lot of anger at Christopher because it’s easier than raging uselessly against nature. I feel angry at nature. He was the sweetest little horse, he’d follow you around like a dog, nibbling at your pockets for treats. He had a high-pitched whinny that sounded almost like a whistle. For my dad’s 60th birthday this year, we put a tiny dog-costume top hat on him and he greeted people outside the door of my parents’ house. It was ridiculous and funny. Remembering all this just makes me feel grief. I guess that’s what I’m going through, the grief process. It feels so unfair, so unfair…he didn’t deserve to die like that. I feel bad because I took it for granted that he was always just there out back behind my parents’ house, cluelessly munching grass. I feel particularly sensitive to violence against animals–when an animal gets hurt in a movie or on TV, it bothers me more than seeing a human being get hurt. I don’t know why. I feel sad, sad, sad…I love my sadness, I love my grief…I want to know that Teddy is in a better place. I feel angry that my Mom left him outside that night, he should have been in the barn…I feel angry, and I love my anger…it feels good to cry…one of my goals is to get more organized so I’m going to straighten up my living room…channel…have faith…
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 6:24pm
Bethany says:
I feel embarrassed, like I tripped over myself here…I didn’t mean to imply that Native Americans are “heathens” or something, I just meant to illustrate that their belief system is different from Christianity (although many of them ARE Christian).
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 6:26pm
Erika says:
Wow, Bethany, I feel sad reading about Teddy. That feels hearbreaking.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 6:51pm
alias girl says:
bethany i feel so sad to hear about your miniature horse. oh. i feel so sad. i feel great compassion. i feel supportive in your grief.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 7:05pm
Tracy says:
Erika,
thanks for your comment about the mother cooking for her family each day…..and the negative energy that came with it…..
I have done most of my giving in the past from a guilty point of view or because i felt i had to otherwise no one else would….it felt so back and in the end i always felt used.
I have stopped doing that and i feel more relieved to participate in the same activities with a good feeling attached to it…not trying to help and save others all of the time…it feels much better that way..
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 7:40pm
Erika says:
how’s this for a core belief/memory for me to tap on? came up this evening … I used to play board games with my brother. He got so upset when he lost that I started letting him win.
I deliberately dumb myself down to protect someone else’s feelings. How sucky is that? That’s my form of compassion, finding connection by playing small.
I’m tap- tap- tapping cuz one can only imagine how many areas of my life I’ve been replaying this script …
I feel a lot of feelings right now, all mixed up
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 8:16pm
Tina says:
My date emailed me and asked if we go out again, if I could pay this time lol, I emailed him back and said no I dont feel comfortable doing that and it would feel less than a romantic date for me. I said to him your a great guy, I just dont feel we have anything beyond our first date, I would have dated him again, if it werent for him asking me if I would pay for our meal next time. I dont feel bad, I love practicing my feelings messages
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 10:43pm
Tina says:
I since added to my profile “first date” section that I am not running a ploy for free meals, I am will do pay for my half, however that would kill the romance for me.
Monday, 3 August 2009 @ 11:27pm
alias girl says:
so i had a misunderstanding with a man online and we worked through it!!!!! this is actually a big deal. i just kept using feeling messages even though i felt attacked. and i was careful to choose my words. and yae. finally we both apologized for our own stuff and it felt very sweet and healing. yae.
and another guy was very hunter-ish (quickly manifested as i just stated this yesterday that i deserve a hunter!) and as we were talking on the phone at the time we were setting a date for saturday i got a text msg from the ex who never calls when he says he will (seems purposeful after sooo many conversations about it) and all he seems to want is sex.
so i feel good i am moving on from the man who is only offering me his occassional use of his penis. as if.
i feel good men are responding to me in a very appealing way.
i feel goddessey.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 1:52am
Erika says:
I feel intrigued that I sent a feeling message last night, and someone (not someone I’m dating) interpreted it as “scathing.” I went back over the message though, and I feel good that it really was written from my own feelings. It seems to me that some people are so shocked at anyone being other than “nice” and “polite” that they don’t quite know how to respond when someone is suddenly authentic.
I started to wonder if I would have said it differently next time, and then I realized, no, it’s ok just the way it is. My message may not have been received exactly the way I intended, but she sent me a long response, and at least we’re having REAL communication rather than that horrible fake “nicey-nice” stuff.
So now I feel good about it. I feel especially good that I no longer walk around my world being afraid of pissing people off. Let them be pissed, often I find that ultimately leads to a better connection. I feel amused at this paradox.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 6:16am
Aldonza says:
“occassional use of his penis”
I actually snorted my coffee when I read this. It’s so true though! Some guys act like we should be grateful they *allow* this.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 6:48am
Erika says:
I feel angry that the mountain lion ate Teddy.
I wondered why the mountain lion couldn’t eat some anonymous deer instead that no one was attached too, and then I realized that the deer’s family would probably be sad too. I feel angry that God created a world where cats (which I love) have to eat other beautiful animals to survive. I feel angry that the world feels so tragic.
I feel sad because the image of Teddy keeps flashing in my mind. I feel compassion for Bethany. It feels devastating to me when animals die.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 7:00am
Rori Raye says:
Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet in a violent way is shocking and traumatic. Please just give yourself time and room to heal and forgive all the forces of nature and error that came together here…there are stages of grief, and they can’t be rushed. Love, Rori
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 9:04am
Rori Raye says:
Whoa, Bethany - lending money to a man is FORBIDDEN! And what you wrote here, angry as it is, is not a bad start to what you want to say to him! - “If you can afford to drive your ass two hours away from here you can spend an extra two hours in the car and come up and get it yourself you absolute fucking CHILD.” (Of course you’d make it more like — “Okay, I don’t feel good about lending money to a man I’m not engaged to, and I didn’t know I’d feel this bad about it, but i do, and your asking me to drive to give you your wallet when you know where I am just feels horrible and I feel very angry just thinking about it.” — Look — go UPS his wallet to him and spend the money. It’s not HIS fault you lent him the $700 - that was YOU! And you’re going to have to forgive yourself for doing that and putting yourself in this position. I really get why he would think all this is okay…if your relationship was totally authentic, it WOULD be okay - if you were friends, and engaged, and it was easy and natural. But it’s NOT. He sees you as “girlfriend,” and this is what “girlfriends” do. It’s a whole other mindset than yours. It’s going to be difficult to get him to see how you feel…so don’t even TRY to make sense out of it to him. He doesn’t understand your anger. That’s why you’re not okay with it. It’s like you’re on two different wavelengths. Just share YOURS and let him deal with it the best he can. Love, Rori
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 9:15am
Rori Raye says:
Bethany - I know you have a plan…we put one together. Get out your entrepreneur shoes and go dancing! Write for your living! Love, Rori
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 9:16am
Robin says:
Bethany I am so so sorry about Teddy, I feel so sad hearing about that, and I will be praying for you, your description was perfect, I really got a feel for him, and you are in my prayers….please know that everyone on this blog feels for you right now..
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 11:30am
Robin says:
Alias Girl, an ‘occasional use of his penis’…
LMAO….that feels so funny…hilarious!! and very true, I feel so happy that you feel less for him yay!!!
Well, I would really love an outside opinion on this, I feel embarrassed STILL being on this subject, I care, and yet I dont care…
The guy who lives 5 hrs. away, who was complaining that I wouldnt call him (and I was gonna call him, but had literally NO time in the days leading up to the concert), sent me the msg that he was not asking OR pleading me to call, but for me to call only if I want to …
But hes still not calling, we’re texting though…he told me via txt he’s in detroit this week and chicago next for a wedding he’s in and I asked him to tell me more about the trip, his reply…
“oh well, my trip is going fine. My sisters gave my # to bridesmaids and they r calling and calling me. dont know what to do U better call me and call my parents before I get picked by their crazy blonde bridesmaids”
HUH???
I really am at a loss for words, I feel so confused, it feels weird not talking to him, Im not sure what to think hearing about the bridesmaids chasing after him (which is exactly what I DONT WANT TO DO, btw) but I feel sad about it, I miss him & I want to talk to him, but I dont want to chase him.
And part of me is completely indifferent and doesn’t want to say anything about it except maybe, “wow…” or “lol how funny…”
HELP !!!!!!
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 11:45am
Simply Shannon says:
Bethany: I feel sad reading about Teddy. (((Gentle hugs)))
Robin: This is pretty much what A is saying to me. He doesn’t want to bother me. He emailed me this morning to say “I do still want you but I didn’t want to bother you cause I figured we were thru, and you just soon me be dead. I don’t blame you for that! I do care for you and love you so much! I’ve never done anything like this (he’s talking about cheating on me) before so I don’t know how to act! Either bug you to death or leave you be?!”
I said some other things particular to our situation but at the end I said this “I won’t be initiating any more emails, texts, or calls, because then I’ll feel like I’m begging you to come back or chasing you. I won’t do that. You know where I am and how to reach me. You have to decide what you want too. I know I’ll be fine either way, but right now my heart feels like it’s on fire.”
And now I’m leaning way back. I won’t be responding to him unless he’s really reaching out to me and coming to talk to me (in my case in person). So asking me “how was your day?” is not getting a response.
Maybe say something like “I feel confused (or turned off or whatever feeling is right for you) hearing you talk about other women, and it doesn’t feel good to me. I would feel so much better to hear your voice again. You know where I am and how to reach me.” Then lean back.
We can be each other’s team-mate on this one. I’ll stay leaned back, and you stay leaned back. No initiating contact. Text, email, or call. Deal? I feel so scared to be accountable about this but I KNOW I have to do this. Otherwise, I’m leaning forward and making the decision for him. I do NOT want to do that. He has to want me enough to pursue me. Not the other way around. I want a man to move heaven and earth for me. Not one who says “hey babe - call me”. Grrrr. I feel angry again.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 12:49pm
Daria says:
Omg Shannon what a great speech.
“I feel confused (or turned off or whatever feeling is right for you) hearing you talk about other women, and it doesn’t feel good to me. I would feel so much better to hear your voice again. You know where I am and how to reach me.”
Linda - I got intuition from God that I was sent to be an Angel in a man’s life before. This is when I was young. So I ignored everything bad he did knowing God had sent him to me.
Now I realize that although he had been sent to me, that did not mean I didn’t need to take care of myself or have boundaries.
Also I know that if I want something, God wants me to have it, so I can ask him for it, and he will change the plan for me.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 3:35pm
alias girl says:
i feel frozen. i just want to say that. i feel frozen. i feel scared. i feel scared. that feels like all the energy in my body is vibrating but it is stuck in place. so i am alive but i can’t move or think. i feel like my body feels healthy but i am stuck by some invisible forces. i feel quivering lip. and tears. i feel scared like i have been attacked and am hiding behind a tree. still. so no one can hurt me or find me. i feel crying. i love my stillness. i love my quivering lip and tension that just went up into my head.
i feel release. tears actually feel good. i feel confused. i feel frozen again. i love my freeze response. thank you for wanting to protect me but i am not in a forest. and freezing right now is actually causing me to feel more scared. so thank you but i wonder if we might reconsider our options here.
i feel my thought reconsidering themselves. i feel a pull in my stomach like a hunger pull. i feel still unmoving. like i am trapped in a painting and only my eyes can move. creepy. i love my creepy image. i love my frozen response to my work situation. i feel angry. thank god. i love when the anger comes because then the frozen fades. i feel a thousand curse words angry. i feel angry. rageful. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and punching things and shaking people and making the whole building shake while a thunderand lightning storm is happening. i feel like wishing they all felt how i feel. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i feel blah. i feel like being over it. i feel scared. i love my fear of the unknown and catastrophic thinking. i love my low self esteem. i love my pride. i love my jowl face. hehe. yae. i love when i make myself laugh. i feel scared. i love my fear. i feel flatlined.i love my unplugged feeling. i love my grey static inside. i love my still deer syndrome. move deer move. the car is going to crash into you. move. i love my anger at myself.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 4:25pm
Simply Shannon says:
Daria: Thank you! Sometimes I don’t feel so confident about my choice of words. I love what you said here: “Now I realize that although he had been sent to me, that did not mean I didn’t need to take care of myself or have boundaries.” Sometimes I feel stuck because I don’t know if I’m doing God’s will or my own. I feel confused if I’m listening to my own thoughts or His.
Alias Girl: I love reading your words. “Move deer move.” The deer can’t help being frozen sometimes and that’s okay. I like that. I forgive myself for those frozen times.
Been spending a lot of time tonight online with some fellas. I need to carve out an hour or something in the evening. I don’t know how to keep up.
I feel good about the men who are contacting me. I feel overwhelmed though. I love being overwhelmed right now. It chases thoughts of A out of my head. I feel stronger. I haven’t called him. I’m staying leaned back. He can man up or not. I’m moving forward. I still feel my heart burning but I know myself and I know my heart will heal. ~SS
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 8:07pm
Bethany says:
THanks to everyone for your kind words and support. Teddy will be missed but never forgotten.
Erika, I want to e-mail you tomorrow about your EFT offer.
I want to write more but I feel too tired tonight. I feel calmer and much less dramatic than before. Peace to everyone.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 8:30pm
Robin says:
OMG SS!!!!
I can completely relate to that feeling of being confused as to whether you are doing God’s will or your own…and one of my favorite prayers is to as Him to ‘order our steps’, to just guide us to where HE wants us to be..and anything HE has in store for us is WAY WAY better that anything we could ever hope for, and you know, He may have someone better around the corner for you, or He may be *pruning* this guy you have been seeing…
But either way, I just cant believe that if this was not in your best interest that God would have allowed it to happen, so we are waiting now to see how He transforms this sadness into something beautiful..
And it will
You deserve someone who adores you
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 8:31pm
Robin says:
Oh and SS, thank you for that great speech!
I just love the part about saying I would feel better hearing your voice again, You know where I am and how to reach me…
And I feel SO PROUD of you for saying what you said to him, it was totally perfect, appropriate, strong, full of boundaries, truthful, and soft. I really loved reading what you told him. Go Girl!
I still haven’t replied, maybe he’s trying to make me jealous, maybe hes joking…
Part of me (a big part of me actually) feels like he’s half joking, half trying to make me jealous..
Trying to make me jealous in a sweet way..
Almost passive-aggressive…
And now Im realizing that I want to judge him
And my guilt over this makes me want to reach out to him, makes me start falling for him…
And this isnt the first guy this has happened with..
And now for some reason, the question that Fernando mentioned in an earlier thread is coming back to me (Thank you Fernando btw if you are reading this)…
‘Assuming he already adores me, what would I do? How would I respond if there was no way I could screw up?’
Well, I would call him….
I feel like scared that Ive killed his attraction for me by not calling even once…
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 9:25pm
Sunshine says:
I would like to feel that a man does not loose his attraction for you because you do not call. Anyway, how would you ever know if his feelings for your are truly serious enough for you.
If his feelings are strong and he does not call or can’t understand why you haven’t telephoned, maybe he has other serious issues he needs to resolve before he can have a mature and loving relationship with a woman.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 10:20pm
Erika says:
Bethany, I feel delighted to hear that — my email is erika.awakening@gmail.com.
I feel happy that “Fernando” is getting recognized for his contributions here. He’s also been helping me with tech support, so I’m feeling extra super appreciative at the moment
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 10:54pm
Tina says:
Robin, for me my feelings of jealousy is not sweet, my first thought is , Am I enough for this man? This is how I would turn this around. If I am not feeling enough then why do I feel not enough. I feel not enough because I feel I am not attractive enough, Im not a blonde thats for sure. I want to believe that I did not just fuck up the best possible relationship I will ever have with 1 1/2yr man, my brain will take me there, if I allow it. I truly want to believe that a good man will step up. I want to believe and have faith in this process. He never once said I was his priority, he is non affectionate but he did do a lot of nice things for me for ex, money,fixing my house, gifts, just stuff that I really did appreciate. When I cleared up my circular dating with him in person, he never got angry, he never protested, he said he gets lonely but will get over it. He did say in so many words that my circular dating was why he wouldnt be stepping up. Go figure!. My brain wants to take me to this place where I am thinking , did I just fuck up ?. then I start to feel -this is the beauty of it all, I start to feel and my intuition says NO Tina, you did not fuck up, you did the right thing. I trust myself enough to know at least that much. Breaking up is not hard to do lol. Why are all the songs on the radio about love? I feel they wouldnt sell enough records if they described how we felt, that desperate,sad, lonely, jealous, not good enough feelings as “fear of intimacy” they wouldnt sell enough records lol, thats for sure but they do sound sweet though.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 @ 11:58pm
Tina says:
I know what to do now, scream like a vampire and walk like a goddess
I had to do this yesterday for a few minutes. I felt like laying down on my couch and do it, I didnt have the energy to stand up. I was talking by email to this possible date , he said yes we all should be liberated, I said I agree, we as women have to liberate our feelings, Im waiting for his reply 
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 12:04am
Fernando says:
I’m so behind on this line of conversation! I’ll deal with the stuff a bit at a time:
Tina:Please don’t take guys not leaving you a message personally. The most important people in my life don’t often get a message from me. There’s two reasons; 1) I leave the lamest messages in the whole wide world. Seriously, embarrassingly bad. 2) You can see that I called, so unless I have an important message or something that can be taken care of just through message, leaving a message is redundant.
alias girl: I have similar rules. People who don’t keep their promises don’t stay in my life very often. It’s a sign of respect and trust, and I don’t want relationships with people where trust and respect aren’t mutual.
Tracy: I can agree that asking other people to cheer you up is a selfish thing to do, but I find that there are some people who enjoy doing so. There’s also people in my life that just by being in their presence, the glow of happiness fills my life. I don’t even have to ask for it!
Bethany: The duck’s name in Duck Tails is Uncle Scrooge McDuck.
And I’m REALLY sad about losing your pony. Losing a pet is a pain I’ve recently dealt with as well, and I hope you have people nearby to give you hugs to add to the love you’re getting from here.
Robin: I can’t help but feel like he’s playing games. I’d recommend against him, but I’m quick to let people go. I feel like people are who they are, and hoping or trying to change people is a bad idea. If someone isn’t compatible with you, they can still be friends, but never settle, and I really feel like you’d be settling with this guy.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 3:48am
Fernando says:
And Erika: Talking to you, I love your emotions. I feel a lot of feminine strength coming from them. While they flow around them, you are very clearly careful to keep them from hurting other people, and that caring is also feminine and sexy. Don’t change.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 3:51am
Symantha says:
Rori,
Wow, you are blessed!
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 4:07am
Bethany says:
I didn’t just cut him a check–I put the car on my credit card because he told me he had the money to wire to me, then all of a sudden he doesn’t, and I paid for both him and myself for the rest of the trip. I felt weird about it, but I didn’t want to make him sleep in the car because he couldn’t afford a bed, and we kept a running total of what his contribution should have been to add to the cost of the car. So it’s not really cut and dry, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I DID pay for both of us. That is me, you’re right Rori.
I have to go to work, I feel excited about what people are writing, I want to respond later.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 5:10am
Erika says:
Bethany,
Yeah, it seems like these things “just happen.” He runs out of money in the middle of your trip, what are you supposed to do?
But actually … these are the most important times to stand up for yourself. Tough love. So imagine if you had just said no to lending money to him. From what you’ve said so far, I’m guessing you would feel guilty. But if you let go of that guilt and stood firm, what would happen? He would be forced to find a way. Maybe call a friend or family member, go home early, or (miraculously) find a way to come up with the money.
This is is what boundaries is all about. It requires a certain standard of treatment from other people, and when that doesn’t happen, realizing that often the most powerful thing we can do is say no or walk away … which leaves that person exactly where they are meant to be … responsible for their own issues.
I know it often feels in these situations like we don’t have a choice … but actually we do. We always have a choice.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:44am
Tina says:
Fernando,
I do take it personally, when a man, says I will call you tonight, or at a specific time then doesnt, my trust feels broken, he did not keep his word. When I hear excuses (lies) I feel I dont register on his priority meter. I would do things differently now, where before I would have sulked or just feel unworthy or some other negative feeling. Circular dating takes care of this for me, better quality men will show up and this is what is so different now plus I have tools to work with to help with my feelings as they come up. I’m going to take a guess and say that if a man is habitually not calling when he says he is and when I am feeling not worthy of a phone call then that is telling me something, my intuition is telling me that this man is not serving my needs, my needs for love and attention/affection whatever. So when I am circular dating then I dont feel “stuck” and just blow it off or try to be “cool” about it. So yes, Fernando I do take it personally.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 9:41am
Fernando says:
Tina: I’m totally with you. I’m suggesting that not leaving a message isn’t a personal thing. Not keeping a promise (to call or whatever) is.
I think both men and women just want to be able to trust each other, and when that trust is broken, it ends up hurting everyone. I’m glad you’re putting up boundaries and doing something about it.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 9:54am
Katja says:
Bethany-I feel sad to hear about your loss. Hugs to you!
To everyone else,thanks for your support. It means so much to me.
I went swimming today with a good friend who is an absolute goddess,siren,great woman with high self-esteem. I admire her. We went to the lake,she took off her clothes and jumped in totally naked. Just amazing. I wore a bikini in which I felt a bit uncomfortable because my body is not in the shape it was before the pregnancy and I have stretch marks etc. But since knowing her and especially in her presence I feel much more confident than ever before. It’s really amazing. I just wanted to share that because I feel blessed to know her and I just met her three months ago (she was a good friend of my boyfriend and we met at the funeral and since then we are almost inseparable).
Lots of love,
K.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 10:05am
Tina says:
Fernando,
He could be leaving messages all over the place with many women for all I know, what I’m saying is , if he is meeting other criteria for relationship with me and given that I am happily circular dating, then leaving a message does not feel like a “PROBLEM’ for me or him.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 10:17am
Rori Raye says:
I love this thread about money and paying for a man. It is unconscionable that a man would book a trip to Europe with you and not have the money. So unbelievably immature it’s mind boggling and makes me feel really angry because it triggers me…
What I would hope we could learn to do here is this: TALK. This means “I’m feeling really angry and really confused about the money thing here, and this is not a good thing. If I feel I have no choice, I will do what you’re asking, but I’m going to feel really weird about it, and it’s going to effect our relationship. If you have any other means to secure the money now, or at least have it ready for when we get back in a way I can count on, that would feel so much better. What do you think? If I say NO, what will happen? I realize that this is no big deal to you, and If I were a different kind of girl, perhaps even a younger me, it might not be a big deal. But right now, in the middle of our trip, with our relationship so undefined, it just feels like a huge deal to me. I just feel that way. What do you think we could do to repair the damage to our relationship and our getting along that this difference between the way we see money is causing right now?” Rori
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 10:42am
Terrance Thames says:
Hey Ladies,
Bethany-I am so sorry for your loss. Thats very tough to deal with. I would be so lost without Yoda.
I had very inspirational experience that compelled me to post this story on here because there is a powerful lesson to take away on from both men and women. First the background…
I rescued an especially fiesty cat for a pet about 10 years ago. I think fiesty might actually be an understatement, but that is what drew me to adopt her. She is my goddess and I love her dearly. She doesn’t let anyone near her unless she gets to know them and and they respect her. So I’m in a position where I have a month to move out into another place with a good friend. My friend has an extremely playful and friendly pitbull. So before I moved in with him I needed to make sure that my cat and his dog got along.
So I showed up with Yoda (my cat) in her carrying bag and immediately Jack(the dog) was curious and excited. Yoda was suprised and responded with her mini roar (hiss). I knew this was gonna be a rough meeting. We calmed Jack down and made him lay down on the other side of the room, in the meantime letting Yoda get out of her case and pick her ground where she felt the most comfortable which was behind a chair. We then brought Jack over holding him to make sure nothing happened drastic. We moved the chair to allow them to get close while holding Jack. A beautiful thing happened. Yoda while having an opportunity to run, stood her ground and smacked Jack in the face. Jack unfazed kept coming into Yoda’s space and everytime he did got a vicious smack. After about 15 smacks Jack began to try to find other ways to invade her space (going around the other side of the chair to ambush her). Yoda then went behind the TV. Jack by this point was trembling with excitement because he was so excited to have someone to play with that would not bullied. He went over to the TV and we set it up so that he could only stick his head behind the TV. Again everytime he got too close and ignored Yoda’s growls he got smacked. This happened for about 15 min until everytime he got smacked he started to blink, not from fear, but I believe from respect. That didn’t break his focus. He was to determined and curious that he had to continue his quest to play with her. We then moved the TV so that Jack could completely get behind on both sides. Yoda, again did not run. She smacked him with every violation. Jack started to lay down everytime she smacked him and when he tried to go around to get behind her, he would actually let out a small yelp as a warning that he was coming. She was then able to turn around quicker, but Jack was learning to respect her boundaries because he would stop just short of her reach and just lay his head down next to her. She began to stop smacking him as much, just a growl. She started to trust him more. Eventually they were nuzzling noses with no restraints and no boundaries. It was beautiful
What did I learn from this;
For Yoda, her boundaries were put in place and she stood by them because her LIFE depended on it. She never waivered from them. Once Jack earned her trust she was willing to surrender to him. This is what inspired me to post this here. I know a lot of women on here get put in life’s situations and situations with men where their boundaries are constantly violated and I know it can be difficult to stand your ground. I offer this story so that if you get into a situation with a another person to remember this story and treat your boundaries like Yoda did and treat them as if your life depended on it. Maybe it will give you the strength to hold at least one more boundary than you normally would.
As for Jack, He didn’t know her boundaries, but was fearless in pursuing her. Unwaivered in his purpose. It took him a while but he learned to respect her boundaries and only then did he get what he desired, a partner to play with. The fact that she stood her ground excited him so much that he was literally quivering with excitement. A great lesson is in here for men as well.
I hope everybody gets as much out of this as I did
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 10:58am
Simply Shannon says:
I feel small. I feel whispers in my ear. I want the “not enough” voices to go away. I want them to stop. I feel my heart burning again. I feel needy and weak. A part of me loves feeling soft and vulnerable but the other part of me screams “you’re just stupid”. I wax and wan between good and bad, all day long. I feel overwhelmed.
I feel surprised when I get hurt that I have the capacity to get up and love again. I feel exhausted from the bouncing back and forth. I want to do this differently, to stop being so controlling and stop putting on the “everything’s fine” act. I hear comments all the time about how strong I am or how sweet I am. Strong and sweet. Right. Like being told I’m cute. I feel angry. But those are all just words in my head.
I feel sadness and tears. I feel my lip quivering and my stomach churning. I feel so alone and I HATE it. I do. I hate being alone. I feel rage. Blinding, penetrating, murderous rage. And grief. Bottomless grief.
——————-
I just did the Vampire Scream. I actually feel calm again right this second. Wow, I feel really light, and the whispers are gone. I just laughed, and it felt good. I’ll be the girl doing the Vampire Scream every 5 minutes. Should make for interesting dates. hehe
I can’t afford the Modern Siren program at the moment so I’m trying a lot of the tools that Rori sends by email. Can anyone explain Riffing to me, or where on the blog I might find it? Thank you Rori for the Vampire Scream.
Shannon
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 11:10am
Simply Shannon says:
Terrance: I loved that story. Thank you. I could visualize the whole story as it played out. Boundaries as if my life depended on it. So true. Maybe then I wouldn’t believe they are so flexible just to protect me from pain. Shannon
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 11:13am
Daria says:
Dear Shannon
So glad you asked. Riffing is in the Power and Self esteem section on the right here —->. Start from Problem all the way to Channeling.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 11:45am
Tina says:
lol Simply Shannon, that just cracked me up omg that was so funny, I can see the look on your dates face as you scream like a vampire. The atmosphere is just crazy lol.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 11:47am
Terrance Thames says:
SS- Im glad you liked it. I thought of you and your situation as I wrote it.
I hope it serves you well.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 11:51am
Simply Shannon says:
Okay Tina you have me giggling. It is a funny visual. Try explaining THAT to a man. “Oh that… yeah… that’s just my vampire scream.” Hahahaha! LOL! It feels so good to laugh. Thank you Tina!
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 12:04pm
Simply Shannon says:
Daria: Thank you! I’m off to check those out.
Terrance: Thank you for thinking of me!
So I have a seemingly innocent question to ask. Obviously (see above) I can go from murderous rage to feeling good pretty quickly. Laughter always helps me. If I can find something funny to pull me out of the dumps, I will. HOWEVER, is that just avoiding my true feelings? Or like in this case, since I did something like the Vampire Scream, is that what everyone means by experiencing the feeling and releasing it? And then is it okay to have laughter afterwards since maybe it’s not just a cover-up? I feel naive asking but I honestly don’t understand this.
I know I make jokes and use laughter to cover up my anger/fear/sadness/etc. So I feel curious when it’s okay. I feel silly asking when it’s okay to laugh but I hope you all understand what I’m asking.
Shannon
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 12:10pm
Tina says:
My feelings of grief,loss, loneliness, murderous rage does feel like a never ending deep bottomless pit, at its worse times. It doesnt feel funny or nice or good in any way. I laugh, feel giddy, smile when I feel a tool working for me. When I allow myself to go into my deep bottomless pit and find a feeling (usually a negative one) I feel much better. what ever happy I have is not going to kill me, for the time being, I need to do some damage control on my more negative feelings. Thats the way I see it Simply Shannon.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 12:35pm
DocK says:
SS: I think it’s just being human. For you it’s laughter, for me a song. A friend once said he has never known anyone whose mood transforms so quickly just from hearing a different song. : ) Also, I feel inspired by your resiliency!!
TT: I enjoyed the Yoda and Jack story - I felt tickled by the idea that even the relationship between a cat and dog can teach us something (a p***y teaching and old dog new tricks - who knew?).
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 1:08pm
Simply Shannon says:
Thanks Tina. I was just checking that I’m not covering my emotions up or denying them with my laughter. I have a tendency to play off how upset I am by making a joke. Hence everyone thinking “everything’s fine” when I am definitely not.
Dock: A song does wonders for my mood too! I’ve started playing songs on my laptop more while I’m working. Certain ones have me feeling some wicked girl power and others trigger sadness. And the last line of your above post made me laugh! Who knew? Too funny. Thank you!
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 1:23pm
Simply Shannon says:
Oh and I forgot to mention I have a date Friday night. Schweet! A can F-OFF.
The guy I’m going out with texted me about going to a baseball game and asked me to call him tonight so we can make plans. Haha - I don’t think so buddy. Can you say practice? I texted back and said “It would feel so good to hear your voice. You have my number.” Chanting: Lean back, lean back, lean back. Shannon
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 1:27pm
DocK says:
SS:
Well, here’s another funny story I had wanted to post because I was thinking about exactly what you are saying - laughter is good medicine…
I have mentioned here that I take pole dancing lessons. Recently, I have had trouble with my cable so I had them out (took 3 times to get it right). the last time, the cable guy was trying to check my VCR (it had green lines too) so he asked if I had a DVD in it to test it. I said, yes, because I thought I had one of my new-agey (Dyer) DVDs in there.
So, he hits “play” and on comes DocK pole dancing. I had a DVD made quite some time ago that a studio did for me for “review and learn.” My mouth hung open and I felt horrified and my face go hot.
Luckily, most of the time he could barely see it because of the green lines and when it did clear up - I was wearing shorts and midriff top anyway (luckily nothing smaller than that) so not TOO bad.
Later, I checked and my Dyer DVD was in the sleeve that my pole dancing DVD was supposed to be in.
My LI was howling when I told him and said that I just made the cable guy’s year and he’d be telling that story for a loooonnnngg time : ) LOL
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 1:34pm
Daria says:
ok so last nite i met a guy not really my type, really handsome and sweet.
I felt attracted to him, and then somehow at some point I didn’t any more. We kissed, it was ok, but I no longer feel attracted to him.
I feel worried. What’s going on. Is this me shutting down or is it just ok. And what do I say…
um… somehow I’m not feeling sexually attracted to you anymore… and I feel guilty about it… and I still feel realy interested in getting to know you ?
This guy was so INTERESTING and I really liked him but halfway the sexual attraction cut off for me…
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 2:22pm
alias girl says:
terrance i felt so freaking amused at your story about yoda and jack. i felt good to read it. i feel good to think about it. men do seem very excited about a woman with boundaries. at least men i meet. but i feel excited about men with boundaries also. i feel unsafe and turned off by men who seem like doormats in the guise of being “nice”. because nice is like a social plateau. if all two people are with each other is falsely nice with no real boundaries ever being discussed then the intimacy level is probably at a 0.5. which is fine for a lot of situations i suppose. but not a life partner or deep friendship. in my opinion.
so good for yoda in upholding her boundaries! and good for jack for respecting her boundaries while not giving up his enthusiasm. (he could have just held a grudge and growled back and made life very difficult for yoda) yoda and jack will probably be buddies for life!
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 2:37pm
Simply Shannon says:
Dock: That is priceless! I bet that cable guy never knew such a hot woman would be pole dancing!
Daria: Maybe give him another chance and then decide? I dunno. I’m also big on chemistry and it’s either there or it’s not. However, after reading that post from Rori about the dark forces, I feel like second guessing some of that. Or at least giving a second chance before I decide.
I feel burning in my stomach. My kid said something about A at dinner. He’s only met him twice, and I didn’t expect it. I got really quiet. Blech. How long til that knee jerk reaction stops? Shannon
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 4:27pm
Mercedes says:
Shannon: I’m thinking about you all the time. Hang on to your strength and know you can do this…
Terrance: Great story. Thank you for sharing. I think it’s really cool for you to relate that to our boundaries…loved the connection there.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 5:50pm
Terrance Thames says:
Dock, AG, Mercedes- Thanks for your appreciation. It always feels good when you can catch one of life’s lessons and be able to apply it right away
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 6:57pm
Erika says:
Re guys leaving voicemails, I wanted to jump in and do a “reversal” here.
It’s really important to me that people mean what they say and do what they say. That’s important for trust.
But as to whether someone texts, voicemails, calls the next day, etc etc., I have found that it’s really not helpful to set a bunch of arbitrary rules for other people.
It’s easier to see this with a reversal. I don’t like talking on the phone. No matter how much I like a guy, it’s going to be very hard for him to get me on the phone. It doesn’t mean anything one way or the other about how much I like him. He has two choices. He can take that personally and get all defensive when I don’t answer the phone or return calls. Or he can see that’s just my way, and he can be relaxed about it.
The guy who’s relaxed about it is the one who will fall into a natural rhythm with me that ultimately leads to a good relationship.
Guys have a hundred non-malignant reasons for not leaving voicemails, one of which is that if you don’t call them back some feel stupid leaving a second message. I have found that arbitrary rules only create tension and problems, and that it’s much more effective to be curious and flexible.
Not flexible about honesty and lending guys money. Very fluid about little things that don’t matter like whether he leaves a voicemail or not.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 7:33pm
alias girl says:
dock i loved your story. i felt very amused reading that as well!!! also i love your website. you are quite the hot goddess! i feel very inspired.
simply shannon. hang in there. that’s all i’ve got. because that was all i could ever do in heartbreak is just hang in there and try and take care of myself in a very loving way.
daria. i might just back pedal. i could say: i feel weird but i need to backpedal on the sex part because i am feeling weird. i am feeling overwhelmed or moving too fast. or whatever. then you can still give the guy a chance and not feel sexually obligated.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 7:43pm
Daria says:
AG thanks.
The thing is i didnt feel obligated, i just dont feel attracted to him I guess. I guess its part of trusting my feelings.
I just had a very honest interaction with a guy who wanted me to drive to him.
he wound up telling me at the end that he does not move Ie drive for anything besides money
woo hoo
way to weed out self centered men with boundaries
go me
part of our text exchange included me saying
im feeling disappointed and mad! ugh!
hehe
i felt very amused at that
i feel like its ok to be flexible about voicemails at first, but after stating that you do not return calls without voicemails, well then
i just see a guy as more mature when he does leave a voicemail
i feel turned on vs. off
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:07pm
Erika says:
For those who were curious about our teleclass next Monday for people starting businesses, I just posted about it on my blog. I know many of us are working with Rori and her husband, and I want to emphasize that this teleclass is a complement to what they are teaching. It’s great to have a plan (something they are experts about), and then some of us need a little extra help erasing limiting beliefs before we can fully execute the plan.
This teleclass uses EFT to remove the limiting beliefs so we can achieve our full potential.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:24pm
Daria says:
Erika - it would be great if you guys could record it for those of us who are unable to attend live.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:28pm
Simply Shannon says:
I feel curious about the whole voicemail issue. I don’t always leave a message because I know I’m calling someone’s cellphone most of the time and I know they can see my name come up as a missed call. Maybe that is rude of me to assume that they will call me back when I was the one who initiated the call. Hmmm. Interesting.
I just had my first conversation with my Friday night date. I felt good talking to him. Yeah! I didn’t feel super turned on by his voice, but he was very interesting. Tons of different things he’s done. Friday should be fun! I felt nervous at first though. Feeling messages don’t come naturally to me yet. After awhile i didn’t feel so weird. And I definitely have a hard time with silences, especially on the phone.
Just practicing with the men emailing me online has been great! One guy said he was sad I hadn’t replied. I sent him a message back: “I felt excited to see your email in my inbox, but I felt bummed by your comment. I don’t want to feel bad. I’ve been busy. I promise I’m not ignoring you.” Soft? Yes/no? I wasn’t sure but I just went with it. Any suggestions for something similar to “bummed”? I’m not a huge fan of that word but honestly I couldn’t think of another feeling that conveyed what I meant.
Another guy was telling me we could talk wherever that he just wanted to make me feel comfortable. (Not in those exact words.) I don’t really know why, but I felt very cared for when I read it. And so that’s what I said! That was the last email of the night. I feel so light and airy remembering it. It felt good to say what I really felt, and I feel soft and open.
We’ll see tomorrow how they respond. I’m intrigued. (Daria: that one is for you because I stole it from a blog post of yours from past months about replying to online emails. It works.
)
Mercedes: Thank you! I really appreciate that. My heart feels all warm. Thank you.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:37pm
Tina says:
Simply Shannon,
I liked what you said even the word bummed. I would have maybe (if it were me) say something like, I’ve been busy and talk about what you were busy about without saying sorry, I promise I wasnt ignoring you, I would leave that out, but its practice, I do it all the time
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:48pm
Erika says:
Daria, thanks — yes, we’re intending to record it and make it available as an audio.
Re leaving voicemails, my main point is to notice how different it feels between “assuming the worst” about a man (which feels awful) versus feeling curious about why he didn’t leave a voicemail (which feels open).
I’m also saying there can be many well-intentioned reasons why he didn’t leave a voicemail, and I always like to assume the best.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 8:56pm
heather says:
Bethany, My condolences to you, I feel your loss of Teddy, and send you wishes for comfort. It reminds me this week of very vivid dreams I have been having - one with a pet, baby cheeta and a black snake with hair and spikes… weird!
Like you, I recently lent $$ to my long-time, string-along man who has been in unemployment hell for months on end. The string-along feeling has been back and forth for me. I feel enraged and upset (mostly at myself) for allowing myself to do this (lend money while not even being engaged), and for allowing myself to stay stuck in the string-along for such a long time. Have played with the circular dating in the past few years but always find myself back with him. Late last night while we were together, his ex-girlfriend called and even though this hasn’t happened for a while, it triggered me again. I felt SOOOOO angry and I let him have it. Told him it feels horrible to me that she calls him late at night and he talks. Tired of carrying all the weight … need a change, BIG TIME.
I’m with Erika - don’t want to accept less than “forever” anymore. And from “The Artist’s Way…” - we should never dumb ourselves down - our greatest fear is that we could be wildly incredibly successful and achieve amazing greatness. Especially true of women I believe.
love & light,
heather
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 @ 9:45pm
Tracy says:
This is a thank you to everyone…..
It just so happened this guy i really like also wanted me to help him with finances and having done it before and i felt really bad about it. i was feeling so conflicted……
This also triggered a lot about my past since my dad had major issues with managing his finances and i felt myself going back to the same trap……I was feeling so confused about it and when he asked me about it yesterday i agreed.Later on however i felt i should call him up and just be clear about everything and so i called him told him i was feeling scared and unsure about helping out because i have bad experiences in the past and i feel afraid of being stuck in financial problems with a guy i am not really committed to.I explained that i did trust his financial capacity to take of his business but i wasn’t feeling okay about helping out for now as i too have to deal with my own fears regarding finances.
I feel so much better backing down and being honest with what i was feeling…….it feels like the load has been lifted off my shoulder…..I feel so happy because for the first time i have managed to say no to a guy i am actually very attracted to and instead gone ahead with my feelings.This is a huge deal for me,as i have always said yes to everything he or any other guy i was attracted to wanted.It was as though i had no feelings of my own.Now i realize that neglecting how i feel doesn’t make it go away but instead pulls me away from my own path of trying to find myself. i feel more confident about being more honest about my feelings….this is such a huge step for me i feel like making a loud scream.I don’t even feel so tied to him anymore and being honest with him made me feel even more love for myself and it feels great….its a first tiny step but so important to me….i feel that i am really beginning to attract the relationship i have always wanted……
I am grateful to everyone for their comments….they really helped me get out of this one…..and i feel so good right now….Hugs.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 1:05am
Tracy says:
Heather,
I can relate to dating guyz who may not be so financially stable…for me i feel worse because my closest friends have guyz who seem to have their finances in order and sometimes it does make me feel bad and i usually wonder why sometimes i end up falling for someone i have to help out!
I am accountant by profession so i usually notice when a man is able to manage his accounts well and when he’s not from an early stage.So i usually ask myself sometimes why i keep attracting the same guyz all the time…
My parents were not the best when it came to finances but i still love them deeply and i know deep down they tried their best…..but that is where all my fears when it comes to finances are rooted….I feel that i keep attracting the same situations because i am so afraid of not having my finances on check and i don’t trust other people to know how to manage their own….so i try and sort them out and i realize that i only continue to confirm my own fears by doing that….I don’t trust others to manage their own finances because deep down o don’t trust myself and my feelings regarding my own finances…
I have made a commitment to focus on me,and taking care of my own business and stay away from trying to solve other peoples’….especially the men i am dating…when i feel that i am in a good place then i can start helping and by then we’ll definitely be married…
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 1:20am
Simply Shannon says:
Heather: Your comment about the late night call from an ex-girlfriend triggered me. I feel a hard knot in my stomach. Similar things happened with A (he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend just two weekends ago). Even though I felt awful hearing about calls he got from her, I downplayed my feelings about it. He explained it all away because she’s his neighbor. Reading your post I felt those same feelings again… insecurity, doubt, fear. I felt relief (and some jealousy) when I read that you let him have it. I feel bad that I’m projecting my fears.
All: Question for the day - How do you know when to trust your gut, or when it’s the dark forces inside of you at play (i.e. some past trauma that has been triggered for whatever reason)? With A, I knew it didn’t feel good when he talked about his ex-girlfriend. I felt very triggered by it. However, I thought it was just my own internal insecurites and that it wasn’t really anything he was doing. I told him how I felt. He said the right things, and I felt better afterwards. I don’t know. I trusted him. Blindly it turns out. How do I know it’s not just my own insecurities versus when it’s something real?
I’ve been cheated on twice now. My exhusband cheated, and now A cheating on me. (I feel embarassed admitting that.) Both times, I never believed either one of them would cheat. Not ever. I did not have true passion with either of them. Love and good sex, yes, but not the “take me now” kind of passion, ya know? I want to learn the lesson. These two are messengers. Is it that I need to trust my gut? Stronger boundaries? Don’t downplay my need for passion because I feel secure in a relationship? Hmmm - security which was really false security. Maybe without passion there is no security. I don’t know. There’s something there but I can’t figure it out yet.
A part of me is seeing how leaning back pulls a man in and creates that passion. I feel very turned on when a man shows me who much he wants me. When he is coming to ME. I can feel my chest burning when I say that.
Shannon
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:25am
Daria says:
An absolutely fascinating marriage of a woman leaning back when her husband tells her suddenly he wants to leave her…
I feel fascinated.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&em
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:52am
DocK says:
Hi SS: My heart goes out to you with this painful situation you have experienced.
When trust has been broked before, it is difficult to separate out true gut feeling from basing a current situation on past experience.
I have an email from a couple that does relationship counseling about red flags. A woman sent a letter that her LI was receiving text messages that didn’t “feel” right to her and the woman sending the messages is the man’s co-worker AND ex GF. They suggested that she speak to him about this to get a sense of how he feels about the woman and, if it still feels wrong, to say this (I know Rori would tweak it to be more HER feelings and taking out “you”):
–”When you get messages
like this from your ex, I feel that you want
to be with her more than me–and I feel
like you aren’t committed to being with
just me.”
Then they suggest her asking him to make an agreement about her regarding what is or isn’t appropriate and setting boundaries BUT if he’s not willing to do this, that she really needs to pay attention to the red flag and reconsider the relationship!
I know that this is advice after the fact, but maybe helpful down the road.
In one of her programs, Rori speaks about things she went through in past relationships with men and that she let her husband know that she has a boundary regarding close friendships with women that he had/has to adhere to in order to be with her.
this may be one for you in the future as well. That whether the guy likes it or not, based on your experiences, you won’t accept that type of behavior and the man that won’t comply can go find someone else.
You are an amazing woman. You didn’t deserve this. Is your relationship with him now irreparable? You decide, of course, but boundaries and his willingness (or not) to adhere to them would definitely be part of my decision-making process.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:59am
DocK says:
Daria - I feel grateful - thank you for sharing the articel.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:08am
Mercedes says:
Daria: That was beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
DocK: I second that. All of it. I have one of those boundaries (with my current bf and because of our past). No female friends that I’m not included in the relationship with. “We” have female friends. “He” does not. If a friendly relationship with a female co-worker extends past work to meeting for dinner or drinks after work or into friendly text messages, emails or phone calls…I’m invited to join and I’m aware of the communications. If that doesn’t happen…he’s crossed that boundary. The most devastating feeling in a relationship is the feeling of being cheated on. I can’t take the worry and anxiety that goes with it, so when he and I got back together, he was well aware of this boundary and totally and completely respects it.
SS: I think about you every day.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:10am
Bethany says:
Thanks again for extra condolences. Terrence, I loved your story.
Erika, I know you’re right about having choices with boundaries, the thing that feels difficult for me is that in the moment, I freeze. The idea of objecting feels so foreign and offensive to my “nice girl” programming that it’s like a split-second chain reaction of flaring anger followed by squashing it down, and it leaves me disconnected and feeling like my eyes glaze over and I can’t even verbalize what I’m feeling until I thaw out later. It feels horrible. I struggle with interrupting that pattern. I hope that’s something EFT can help with?
He facebooked me and told me he feels sick about the money he owes me, knows how much he’s entrusted to me, and he’s working extra hard to get a job. I said I trust him. Haven’t been able to speak with him on the phone since then; he called really quickly last night because he was in a rush to go out with his friends, and I was extra-cheerful. Goddamnit. I was on the line with my friend and probably shouldn’t have answered. Then, his FRIEND called me and left me a voicemail (I was asleep, phone off) saying something like “blah blah blah [garbled bar noises]…and Christopher’s here, shaking his head at me…” So I feel sad that he was too much in a rush to talk to me but his friend called me when Christopher was right there. Wow. I don’t really know what’s real anymore and I don’t trust myself to not blow things out of proportion, but that feels really bad.
This is my speech: “Christopher, I realized that I do a lot of pretending everything is okay with me because I don’t want to rock the boat, but that feels really bad. I wanted to tell you that I still feel angry about the money thing. I wish I had known you couldn’t pay for your half of the car before we left for the trip. Money makes me feel really sensitive, and I feel lied to. It’s thrown cold water on how I feel about things with us and I don’t want to feel resentful. Is there anything we could do to set this straight? What do you think?”
Also: “I feel bad that I couldn’t speak to you last night, but then your friend called me when you were standing right there. That feels weird. I feel like we’re not really boyfriend-girlfriend, more like just friends…I don’t like it, and I don’t want it that way.”
I am this-close to finished with my match.com profile. If I get that going, I want to say something like “I don’t want to be a girlfriend forever, and being a girlfriend, especially at this distance, feels like a lot of pressure on me. I don’t want to feel angry or resentful or put pressure on our relationship. It feels really great to spend time with you; I have fun dating you and I want to continue to do that, but I can’t be anyone’s exclusive significant other until I’m engaged. What do you think?”
Suggested tweaks are appreciated.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:11am
DocK says:
Me again - I meant “article” : )
I’ve given up the fight on voice mail. I have left messages for women and men and they (as someone mentioned) just see my name and call without listening to the message and I end up repeating it all over again so I guess I get where other people would give up the ghost on message leaving as well.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:11am
Bethany says:
Terrance: sorry for spelling your name wrong above. I feel a little embarrassed.
Shannon: this is absolutely amazing to me, what you’re doing…wow, really really great. I feel really excited for you jumping in like that. Vampire screaming all the way with you.
Daria: That was a fantastic article. I felt myself shaking when I read it. I wonder what the outcome would have been if she’d gotten defensive, angry, etc…I feel amazed by her “refusal to suffer.” That feels like a level I want to get to.
Dock: That’s hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:26am
Bethany says:
Dock: I meant your story about the cable guy was hilarious…not your post above:) I’m just starting S Factor videos…I wish I had a pole next to my couch!
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:27am
Bethany says:
Shannon: What I’ve struggled with is pain over fighting my gut feelings and judging them as insecurities…like, “Oh, I shouldn’t feel that way, good, strong rational women would never act like that…” And the one time I really delivered one hell of a speech to him, it was all about embracing my “insecurities” and feeling completely justified in them. I actually needed “permission” from Rori to do that. It feels hard. I want to believe that it gets easier as boundaries get clearer…
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:30am
Bethany says:
Shannon: maybe when you get that twinge that something doesn’t feel right, it’s the gut. The dark forces maybe come into play when we feel compelled to stick with something that makes us twitch. I don’t know…you’ve got me thinking…
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:32am
Tina says:
Simply Shannon, I trust my feelings (at least starting to) no matter what those feelings are, dark forces or not, it doesnt matter, the difference now is I have “tools” to work with, where before I were just running around feeling unanchored, un centred. I had no way of managing my feelings, my life is another story. I cried last night or this morning I should say, because this is the day 1 1/2yr man comes home, he usually comes over after her drops his things off at his house. I wont be seeing him this weekend. I saw him for about an hour last week, we sat on my porch. my feelings of sadness and loneliness are at its highest when I see him now, before it was just a nagging , dull feeling, I wasnt feeling right. Now , I rear the sirens going off in my body, I feel paralyzed. There is this part of my could be my dark forces, I dont know , telling me there is hope, waiting for him to step up, if he did would I want to continue our relationship, my gut/intuition says no. Those dark forces say yes. I could continue on this relationship, drop all the tools and information I’ve learned by being on this site. I could , the dark forces tell me to settle for what I had, I could possibly be ending the best relationship I’ll ever have with a man, this was my last chance. My brain can take me there, I can pack up and say ok enough of this site and tools, I’ll settle for what I have now. I feel I would not have learned the things I know now, I cant make him do or say anything I want to hear, this wouldnt feel natural to me. I’m still here, trudging along at my worst times. Today is a bad day for me. blah
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:48am
Tina says:
Right now my dark forces feels desperate, I want to connect my feelings of hopelessness to someone or something, preferably someone. It is want I feel like doing. My urge to do this feels so stronge now, I’ll work on staking the rest of my tomatos for now, I feel the only thing/tool I can do is to do something creative, tend my garden, have a shower, I’ll find something to do, vampire, yeah.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:12pm
DocK says:
Bethany: Woohooo SFactor - that’s where I go!!!
When someone asks me if I have a pole at home I give them the “deer in the headlight” look and respond, ‘Doesn’t everyone?’
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:23pm
DocK says:
Tina: I am sorry you feel sad and like a blah day : (
I feel good, though, that you can come to this blog and feel comfortable to share this with us.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:27pm
Aldonza says:
I actually had my pole setup in my living room. It was there when *my* cable guy came over to fix my cable. “I’ve never seen a pole in a living room before.”
“Well, now you have.”
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:31pm
Dan_Brodribb says:
I don’t have any advice for you, Shannon, but I’ve been keeping up on things and I’m thinking about you.
Wishing you the best,
db
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:32pm
DocK says:
Aldonza: So is mine!! I mean, cable guy already knew I did pole dancing as he saw the pole in my LR - I just didn’t want him to see me ON the pole as he did in the video. Yeesh!
When I first got the pole I thought I was going to get in trouble with management when they were coming by to do something. It was around Christmas so I stuck my floor to ceiling lamp in front of it and then wrapped garland and lights around it. It was ridiculous! No one said a word but I’m sure they were thinking, “what the…?
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:35pm
Dorothea says:
I feel so intrigued by the story about the kitty and the dog. It feels sooo familiar like something I am going through with one man right now, because i am CONSTANTLY setting my boundaries. Constantly saying this and this and that feels bad or i don’t want this or that. and he is not deterred.
But then again, is this how it is supposed to be? i feel turned off by myself and by him every time i say “i don’t want this” or “that feels bad”. I feel like i’m dealing with a child. and i feel guilty and also unworthy from slapping him in the face like i am the kitty and he is the dog. and i feel annoyed too. and if i have to state the same boundary more than once, i wonder if that means i am not maintaining said boundary.
i grew up in an extremely isolated situation (single mother who moved several states away from a family i never spoke to, and then she abandoned me in my teen years) and never saw an example of a real relationship growing up. it would feel great to have some input because i feel sooo confused about what is normal and healthy. i feel so afraid of dysfunction and insanity. thank you in advance to everyone.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 12:46pm
Tina says:
I Want a pole,
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 3:25pm
Aldonza says:
http://www.amazon.com/X-pole-Chrome-Xpole-Dancing-Stripper/dp/B001K202IC/
This is the one you want.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:02pm
Tina says:
I dont feel there is a set limit on how many times a day to use feelings messages. I would use them every day, if I feel I need to. I can say my feeling message to myself and just feel.
I am feeling much better, I sunbathed nude, staked some tomatos , showered and had a nap, I still feel sad and lonely, just not so intense. I woke up from a dream , it was snowing in the middle of august,I said to myself, wow the weather is really changing , this is not a good sign, there was no sun. There was a man on top of a mountain, yelling help, im lost, two of his friends went to help him. I had a rifle , some one mentioned there was a bear running around , I took my rifle (I dont own one) and went looking for the bear, I saw it but didnt shoot, it just walked off in to the woods. then my dream changed, I was sitting in a strange building at a desk, there was a man sitting behind me using a computer, i was using mine. he showed me how he could use his computer to open the cash register, I said to him please dont break into my account. He did something and images showed up on my screen, he thought it was fun, I felt guarded and I didnt trust him after that. my sister comes in and asks me, what are you doing , I told her, oh he is just showing me how he can open the cash register from his computer. I checked to see if there was money in it , there was none, I was feeling curious. then my dream changed again to people mostly women and a few children were walking down the road, heading somewhere to a social gathering, then I woke up.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:04pm
Ann says:
Terrance I love your kitty and dog story. I believe there are messages in everything. Thanks for sharing that one.
Bethany I’m so sorry to read about your pony. I’m glad you had him for so long.
Dock I love your cable man story. I’m like Tina I want a pole lol
Shannon I feel you answered your own question when you said “I want to learn the lesson. These two are messengers. Is it that I need to trust my gut?” I feel the answer is yes-learn to trust your own intiution. And it feels to me your working that way. Hugs.
Daria off to read that article
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:12pm
Tina says:
Thank you Aldonza, for now I’ll use my yoga dvd, for stretching. I would love to learn to pole dance, there are no places around here for me to do that. the population here is about 300. I”ll check out the dance studio in town and see what they have for classes.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:22pm
Stephanie says:
So, I’ve recognized the “Imaginary Relationship” i was so invested in & the “Stringing Along” & got really strong & decided that if this “relationship” wasn’t going anywhere, I was done. It was extremely difficult & painful, but I’m pleased with my progress. We live, work, play & volunteer in the same community. I bowed out of some events in an effort not to trigger any nostalgia & sentimentality on my part. It was good to go away & heal for a while, but it didn’t really teach me how to relate to him merely as a friend. There are times we HAVE to be in eachother’s company for the sake of others & a few times they’ve lead to us entertaining the idea of getting back together - on his terms (physically), which I had the good sense to reject & he’s rejected mine… So- we have some emotional “triggers” coming up (what would be our anniversary.. annual events that we’ve attended together in the past, etc…) This is only my 2nd relationship after a long marriage & don’t have any true experience at navigating these issues! When I don’t show to something I normally would to protect myself.. do I tell him why…up until now I’ve cited “conflicts” publically & occasionally told him the real reason - HIM! We’re talking on the phone less frequently, I still care about his well-being and I know he does care about me as well… How much should I reveal to him about how I’m coping with our breakup?
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:35pm
Ann says:
Daria, thank you for sharing that amazing article. I feel the lady handle her situation the way we discuss here. She focused on feeling her feelings, she was responsible for her own happiness, she focused on herself and let him deal with hisself. Great stuff
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:36pm
Tina says:
I feel worried the ceiling may not be stable enough to handle a pole and roughly 140-45 lbs, I’m 5′6 1/4 ft tall. Do I need something to stablize the pole or just a gyprock ceiling will do?
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 4:43pm
Aldonza says:
The X-pole can be installed on any level ceiling of less than 10″. You center the top disk between the ceiling joists. You do not have to damage your ceiling to do it (although if you have a “popcorn” ceiling, you may see the ring where it was.)
My X-pole held a 300+lb man doing spins. It is designed for actual usage for pole-dancing moves and is very safe.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 5:32pm
Bethany says:
Aldonza: Was the 300-pound man on your pole wearing platform shoes?
I’ve been researching EFT–tryitoneverything.com has a really interesting trailer for their DVD of the same name–it’s fascinating. Cheryl Richardson, people from The Secret are in it.
I feel excited to learn this technique.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 7:18pm
Dorothea says:
i feel sad that i couldn’t get an answer to my question before the next stupid-feeling bout of “i feel bad” and “i don’t want.” I feel like a dysfunctional troll lady. I’ve lost sight of what’s normal and good and right and wrong, but probably only because i never knew what that was in the first place.
it is starting to appear that i have this same problem in the end with every man i regularly date.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 7:23pm
Mercedes says:
Dorthea: I’m sorry I didn’t get to you in time because I really wanted to give my input on this. I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know what’s in your heart, but for me, if a man repeatedly disrespects my boundaries, I’m done. I’m turned off. I’m angry. I’m tired. If it’s a new boundary and he’s not aware…I get that and I’ll talk to him about it, but if it’s one that is important to me and I’ve told him…well…I can’t repeat it over and over. It’s disrespectful on his part and I need a man who will respect me and what’s important to me.
I guess I’m saying…for me…I would not have been as patient as Yoda. That’s not saying I’m right and she’s wrong, look what her patience got her. I’m just saying…I demand more respect from the beginning. My J needed second chances and I gave those, but as I’ve told him, he’s “used up his freebies” and I’ll walk and hurt through the pain if he can’t respect my desires and needs (especially those I’ve set forth as boundaries for him/our relationship).
It’s hard sometimes. He’s traveling right now and I miss him a lot. He’s out with people he works with and I’m here. Those insecurities pop up and it scares me a little. He knows this about me and has been texting all night and called once but…well…I really miss him and wish he was here.
We have a lot going on for us right now. I’ve agreed to move in with him when my lease is up (we’ve been dating for 4 years and he’s been asking for at least 2) and I’ve been so incredibly scared of that and insecure. We’ve talked and agree, now is the time…but…well…I don’t know what else to say…I wish he was here. I’ve found a man who respects all of my boundaries…I love him for that. I hope the same for you whether with this man or another. I also did not grow up with a good role model for relationships. I developed my boundaries with mistakes and hurt. I do not wish that on anyone…ever.
I’ll be thinking of you.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 7:37pm
Bethany says:
Dorothea: what’s the same problem you have with every man you date? What’s going on for you?
Christopher called tonight and immediately apologized for us not talking regularly over the past few days. He said he feels bad because he likes talking to me more than anyone else in the world and he should call me more. I felt taken off guard–that whole freeze thing again. I did say “I did feel weird last night, when I didn’t get to talk to you but your friend called me…” When a man apologizes out of the blue, what do you say? I feel like the system of you bringing something up in feeling messages, him talking, you responding is a good thing, but what if he initiates? I immediately start feeling suspicious: what is going on, did he cheat on me or something (default fear)…what I was really feeling was “I don’t want to be called out of a feeling of obligation…”
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 8:46pm
Tina says:
I did a flip with one of my problems from my problems list, I felt dread, doom in my vagina, kinda like when my knees go week but my in my vagina, hm. then down my legs to my knees. Word like difficult, imagine, ugly, shame, god, punish, vain, hate,wrong, manifest, anger, judgement, accept, ignore, hopelessness,my vagina is flipping out. I feel I dont deserve because it is my fate. ok thats where I’m at. A rushing feeling of dread, doom in my vagina.
Wow, I’m less than half that, I love the idea of getting a pole or at least use one and try it out.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 8:47pm
Bethany says:
I feel really frustrated that I can’t find my real feelings in the moment. I got all flustered because he was making a gesture of apology and I felt taken aback by that and also I felt melty inside like he pulled me back in a little. Grrrrrr….I feel so frustrated! Maybe I should have hung up the phone then called him back when I knew what I really wanted to say. Why am I making such a big deal out this? Ugh. I feel a lot of pressure to get it right everytime, and I put it on myself. I don’t have to get it right every time. Mistakes are part of the plan. I want to feel relaxed and unconcerned about the outcome. I just feel bad because I don’t want to always make it okay–I want to speak my true feelings even thoguh they feel completely offensive to my programmed system. I want to be more of a bitch. I feel embarrassed and so frustrated that I can’t do this right. I feel so angry. What if I can’t ever get past this point? What if I am always going to be here at this level? God that feels terrible. I want to move up. I want to expand. I want peace and harmony in my life. I want to live on a higher rung on the ladder. I want to go up, up, up. But what if you can’t? Why even try if you’ll just get disappointed? Who says that’s going to happen, what if it’s easy? I feel appreciative of you, nasty voice, and I promise to take you with me. I am so sorry for your doubt and your anxiety. I want to give you a big hug and say it’s okay. It is absolutely fine, you are fine just the way you are…I feel calm.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:00pm
Bethany says:
I had three “dates” this week. Two with the same guy, one with an old farmer at a bar. I have a guy friend who’s just crazy about me, puppy dog all the way, and I just don’t feel anything for him–no, actually, I feel kind of gross when I’m with him. He’s a frog–and the interesting thing is that when I was a freshman in college, I was crazy about this guy, really had a crush on him. Now, he doesn’t interest me in the slightest other than as a platonic friend. That feels significant, like the message is that I really can create chemistry and it all comes from me. ALSO, he’s a frog, so maybe that tells me the ones I USED to be attracted to are gross to me now, so that means I’ve moved up a bit? I don’t know. But both times I tried to be curious instead of judgmental and feeling messages and leaning back (not hard because I don’t feel attracted). I felt grateful to him for triggering me and giving me an opportunity to learn.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:07pm
Bethany says:
Old farmer at the bar was just a nice, fat old guy who wanted to watch the Twins game and talk about soy beans during commercials. He bought me a gin and tonic–(”For this gal right here,” he said:) )–then he went home and I sat and worked on writing my novel. It feels funny to say I had a “date” with a fat old soy bean farmer, but I tried Listening at Level 2 which was super difficult because it was noisy. I enjoyed myself though–he was fun to talk to. The oldest, least attractive guy in the bar, but I had a good time. None of the other good looking guys looked at me, and I felt frustrated.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:11pm
Tina says:
Wow, a soybean farmer, cool. I’m curious how you felt around him Bethany ?
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:26pm
Robin says:
Dorothea, I know EXACTLY how you feel..I feel turned off also if I have to say something more than once, and it does feel like Im talking to a child…
And then, yes I feel guilty for feeling annoyed and turned off…
This is what happened with the guy who lives 5 hrs. away, he pressured me, and of course, I felt angry and annoyed, and turned off and guilty for feeling that way, especially after he came so far…
And my nasty voices tried to tell me that this is b/c I dont know how to enforce boundaries…
When actually, we have no control over what someone else does. This message is something thats been showing up a lot recently, and its just much easier to either work through being triggered, and much quicker, or not get triggered at all, when you remember this..
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:42pm
Tina says:
Bethany,I missed that part, I’m writing stuff to. I”m doing dishes,reading profiles and finished writing in my notebook. I feel much better writing about my doom and dreadful feelings in my vagina. I dont have a solution, just I feel ok about it. I love my doom and dreadful feelings in my vagina. Oh I know what to do next, screaming time.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:46pm
Tina says:
Bethany, I really hate your boyfriend , I feel triggered by what he said to you on your vacation. I hate him for saying your skin is pasty and your a pig. I feel awful that you got stuck on vacation and paying his way. I hate you for loaning him the money hehehe ( I dont really just dont like that you did that) I feel like calling him all kinds of names like asshole comes to mind but it doesnt do the situation justice. I feel rage when a boyfriend/man is picking away at my self esteem, I do the job good enough. I feel triggered that you allowed him to get his rocks off on you while you were resting. I hate him. I feel furious and what to throw something at him, I want to beat him with a rock.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:53pm
Robin says:
I finally replied to the guy who lives 5 hrs. away about the bridesmaids..
It interesting, I feel an attraction to him, and I dont feel like I’v got all of the message yet, so Im not ready to say, I dont feel a connection, that just wouldn’t be true…
I actually miss him terribly, and I feel scared that he has lost interest b/c I have not been calling him (and writing that sounds so silly, but…thats just what I feel scared of right now).
For some reason, its a big deal, and I’ve been feeling the pressure…and it feels like pulling teeth (from both sides), just this massive push-pull tension…
Anyway, I wrote him ‘Bridesmaids, huh? Lol, well I might want you all to myself…Honestly, I would feel fantastic hearing your voice again. What do you think?’
I feel sad with this….Im gonna do some tools..
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 9:55pm
Tina says:
Robin, jealousy is one thing, I feel that provoking jealousy is just as evil. Why do people do that provoke jealousy?. who knows, I feel this wasnt a innocent mention of bridesmaids. This could be a male sexual fantasy, to be screwed by all the bridesmaids in the party lol oh this could work to your advantage hm
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:02pm
Robin says:
Oops, almost forgot,
Erika, I wanted to ask you if you still have the post on your blog about the teleconference. I would definitely be interested in hearing it
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:03pm
Erika says:
Yeah, Robin, I posted again tonight about it, with the link to the post where you can sign up. It’s going to be a great call, I have a really good feeling about it … there’s a lot of power in people coming together to shift limiting beliefs, so I hope a lot of you will join us …
Meanwhile, I’m noticing with all this group riffing on Rori’s blog a feeling in myself of “whatever” … in a good way. I feel bored of focusing on what men are doing or not doing. I even feel bored of defending my boundaries. I feel bored of “other woman” situations. I feel bored of demanding anything. I feel bored of thinking about the future or about the form a relationship might take. I feel riffed out.
I kinda just feel like loving and letting everyone be.
I like this feeling. It feels peaceful.
yes, please join us on the call on Monday, 7 pm
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:24pm
Tina says:
I feel judged, my sense of bringing this all unto myself? what?, I dont make sense, ok so maybe I did, I have no power over things that happen to me, was I judged and this is my punishment?. for being a bad person, am I a bad person?. Do I just accept my destiny or is it my destiny, its happening now, so I’m involved, is my vagina being judged and I’m paying the price?. Why am I bothering to ask for anything better? is doom a feeling?. my vagina feels doomed? I feel my vagina wanting to fall out. Do I deserve to be a woman?. is my punishment lose of my vagina? this is crazy lol. What is a chakra?
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 10:35pm
Tina says:
Thank you Dock, I do feel comfortable. I feel this is a safe place for me now. I feel it keeps me sane. I go back to work in a few weeks , I feel I have a better understanding of my feelings. I never had this before, I love it! I found my horse lol, I know we are all at different levels of healing when we walk in here, typing away our feelings, is difficult. ok so I found my horse, I dont know what it looks like but I imagine my horse being a sort of black brown shiny color although I do like white, maybe I have two.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 @ 11:21pm
alias girl says:
abraham hicks- abraham
“can you give him my phone number?”
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=3lNb3qHhO1o&feature=related
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 1:33am
alias girl says:
esther hicks- abraham
“can you give him my phone number?”
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=3lNb3qHhO1o&feature=related
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 1:33am
alias girl says:
whoops. in stereo.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 1:34am
Tracy says:
wow….after six months of circular dating….i feel that i finally met a fantastic guy…the date was superb and i felt so happy just being around him given it was only our first date..
He picked a perfect place,he was a perfect gentleman,and he even offered to drop me home….I am still in shock that i cud even possibly meet such a guy….
I feel so happy and owed about how this circular dating has turned out so well…..there are really nice,intelligent financially stable guyz out there….I had so much fun and i feel really glad i gave this circular dating a chance…..
Now i have the insecurities bits setting in and my fears starting to crop up but i feel more confident now and i intend to continue meeting and dating other guyz….who knows there could be better…..!i feel that my husband is going to work really hard if he wants to hold this goddess down……
It feels great to be making so much progress i feel so blessed and happy….and i am grateful for the sirens in this blog for helping me achieve that…and for Rori…..I keep learning more and more each day….
Daria,
Thanks for sharing the post…..I felt so challenged by the woman’s experience and jealous as well….It would feel great to have a great relationship and grows and flourish where we support and care for each other no matter what….I felt that she really held herself together and i feel happy for her….Thanks
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:00am
DocK says:
Ann: Just want to say ‘Hi’ - I feel happy to see your comments pop up and you’re still in touch with us. : )
To the pole covet-ing ladies: I’m thinking maybe I should have a new career as a traveling pole instructor to the cities that lack pole dancing classes (Then my PhD will stand for “Pole Hot Diva”) LOL
Dorothea: I’m not sure many of us get examples of “normal and healthy” in a relationship. Most of us have come from fairly dysfunctional parents as role models of this - of course, to varying degrees and unique twists on the theme.
I followed Rori’s ebook and wrote out my fantasy of the ideal relationship - fun exercise! Helped clarify some things for myself.
Bethany: I’ve had some strange “dates” myself in bars, restaurants, coffee shops, etc - from moving around so much and not knowing anyone I pretty much just yacked with anyone and it could be quite interesting at times. Just more of my “character building experiences.”
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 6:28am
Dorothea says:
i love you gals and guys.
have a nice day
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 7:44am
tinque says:
Hey DocK, I looked to see if your site has an e-mail address, but it does not. I have a bodybuilding question I didn’t want to fill up space with here. If you wouldn’t mind, could I contact you directly?
tinque
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:54am
DocK says:
Sure Tinque - be happy to help if I can. : )
DrKMindFit@aol.com
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:18am
Simply Shannon says:
Dock: I almost spewed diet coke all over my laptop when I read your email address. “Fit” is not what I read at first. It was a much more colorful F word. Hahaha! That’s great. I’m laughing.
Rori: I just wanted to say a big thank you for doing what you do. I was just reading an email from Christian Carter. While I love his stuff, I always feel like it’s about what I’m doing or not doing with a man. With your ebook and your blog, I feel like you’re teaching us how to BE, not telling us what to DO. Totally different things for me. I feel so nervous when I’m focused on doing the right things. I’m focusing on how to be genuine and hope what I do will follow. Just something that occurred to me as I was reading that email. So thank you.
I feel so excited about my date tonight. Step one in “Operation Recover and Discover Simply Shannon”. I feel a little nervous because it’s a new guy and I’m going to trying this the Rori way.
Normally I’m at ease on a first date because I know how to get people talking about themselves. I don’t normally feel my feelings. I’m just filling the evening with talk. Does that make sense? I feel interested in paying attention to how *I* feel when I’m with him and not focusing so much on if he likes me. Should be interesting.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Shannon
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:54am
DocK says:
SS: Funny interpretation of my email address. LOL Usually, when people can’t see where the letters are capitalized as happens in many computers - they think it is “Dark Mind” and I start wailing, ‘nooooo, it’s DR. K. MIND FIT!!!!!
Good luck with the date. But you don’t need “luck” cuz you are gorgeous, interesting, and fun. Perfect!
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 11:42am
Rori Raye says:
Thank you so much, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 1:50pm
Rori Raye says:
Brava, Tracy! this is EXACTLY how it goes…the more you practice the Tools on more men, the men get better quality, and then you get more triggered and your insecurities come up because you like them more and feel more invested. When you work your way through that - it’s breakthrough time and the sky’s the limit!!! Just take it one step at a time, one “interaction” at a time, one Tool at a time, and you’ll be amazed how fast this goes. Love, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 1:53pm
alias girl says:
i feel very happy. for the first time i am able to see the unique beauty in individuals.
before my good feelings were only reserved for a select few.
hehe.
babysteps.
thank you.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:01pm
Rori Raye says:
Bethany, I’m reading all these comments backwards, so I’ll get to your earlier ones later - but I LOVE the way you sound here. You sound EXACTLY where you should be - and all - please know this…you’re all SO amazing…and you are in TRANSITION.
AND - here’s the big “reveal” - if you do this life right - you will ALWAYS feel in “transition”!
You will NEVER feel quite “arrived.” Part of the way you WANT to feel is sort of “out of control” - actors call that “raw.” After spending your life containing the dark stuff, now it feels like we’re all over the place - but that’s not the truth…it will all get clearer, and it will get easier to feel this discomfort as ‘flow.” Love, Rori
The evolution never stops. I’ll write a post about this…
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:06pm
Rori Raye says:
How about “Ahhhhhh…” Sounds and grunts are EXCELLENT instead of words. “And then - “That feels sweet…” or…nothing…Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:11pm
Rori Raye says:
Yahooooooo Mercedes! Blessings to you on the next chapter…Love, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:13pm
Simply Shannon says:
Rori: I LOVE what you just said. I’m changing my Operation to be Operation Evolution of Simply Shannon. That’s exactly what I feel right now. Although it sucks to get hurt, each time it gets easier. Not exactly something I want to be proud of, but it’s the truth. I just told my girlfriend that breaking up with my ex took me a year to get over. The next boyfriend, one month. And with A, it’s taken 5 days. (I’m not “over” him but I am at least back on my horse.) I would love one day to be able to say (regardless of how things turn out): Thank you for our time together. And be able to look back and just see that we had fun and that it wasn’t wasted time. I’m not there yet, but maybe one day.
Thank you Rori. I feel tears of gratitude and so very blessed to be here. Shannon
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:13pm
Mercedes says:
Thanks Rori! I just keep reminding myself to breathe and I’ll be fine. lol This stuff scares me to death, but…here I am…facing my fears…
Much Love,
Mercedes
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:18pm
Rori Raye says:
Stephanie, Welcome - and you’re doing great with this. Do NOT tell him any more than he needs to know unless it’s in the moment and you are being authentic with how you feel in the moment if you have to be around him and he starts the conversation. This is what I call “Rock Star” stuff - where the band stays together, even though you sing lead and the drummer just broke your heart…) You have to be vulnerable and open, and you can’t do it where it could potentially hurt you - that’s what boundaries are for…and in this kind of scenario - you stay away when you can, and you speak the truth when you can’t. Love, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:19pm
Rori Raye says:
Dorothea - This will work itself out. Just keep doing what you’re doing until you notice you don’t want to be around him. . That it doesn’t feel good. Then you Circular Date and learn how to be “healthy.” Love, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:22pm
Rori Raye says:
Great speeches - every one…Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:24pm
Rori Raye says:
How lovely, Heather…thank you…and you WILL get this going for yourself…Love, Rori
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 2:26pm
heather says:
Tracy, I’m glad that you were able to say “no” and follow your feelings and feel better … YAY! Thanks for sharing about your family and about how you identified your fears about finances. Yes, it never really helps to “rescue” another adult. Even as a parent I realise my daughter needs to live her own life and I cannot always influence her actions. It sounds to me like you will be in a good place soon
Simply Shannon: Thanks so much for your comment. I share your sense of “hard knot in the stomach” everytime this happens - it is truly painful, and as I see it, the only way around it is to eliminate it from happening and to let my feelings out about it. Even though it is far less frequent than ever, it NEVER feels good to me. I am sorry to hear what happened with your guy’s ex-girlfriend. Like you, I used to not ever say anything about this when I noticed it and I stuffed it down. Nowadays, I share with him how it feels to me - it is really a source of stress for me. Anyway, congratulations on your Operation Evolution of Simply Shannon!!!!
Daria: Neat article from the NY Times! I loved how the lady just sat back and said “I don’t buy it” and went about her life. Must have been really tough.
Poles are fun
Stephanie: Way cool for you!! - Sounds like a challenge since you have a lot of proximity with him. Congratulations on your decision to move ahead with your life.
Erika: The teleclass on Monday sounds neat! looking into that.
All: So inspiring. A lovely weekend to all.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 4:24pm
Ann says:
Hi back at you Dock. How are you today? I’m feeling pretty good.
I had my medium length hair cut again, right above my shoulders. It looks good. I had it cut 6 months ago today, I liked the style so I was ready for it to be cut again. My hubby has made a few short hair(he likes long hair)cracks but I just grinned and ignored him. My haircut feels good to me.
Mercedas wishing the best to you and J.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 5:04pm
Mercedes says:
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragements. Ann…I’ve missed you and I thank you for taking the time to send me your wishes!
I have anxiety about this but my heart knows it’ll be ok.
Out of the blue tonight he sail “when I look at you I see fire places and future” God he means so much to me. I will continue to pray this won’t change us.
Anyway…I am grateful for the support here.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 7:20pm
Mercedes says:
I hate posting from my phone…I make typos! Lol
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 7:22pm
Ann says:
Mercedas I feel your nasty voices are probably playing in your head. BUT if you “think” about it for a second what’s changing? All I can think of from what you told me is you’ll be “letting go of your apartment-security blanket. The two of you love and understand each other it will be fabulous!
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 7:46pm
alias girl says:
i feel turned off. a guy i spoke with on the phone has since retreated from his hunter ways and emailed
he set the date near him not near me
he forgot we even set a time
all of a sudden i feel like i am dealing with vague limp guy
and tonight he texted (the info about where he was talking about meeting)
i feel 100% turned off and want to cancel. i totally feel turned off and i don’t know how to use feeling messages. ugh. yuck ugh. ugh.
what happened to the initial guy that immediately wanted to talk on the phone?
ew.
i feel bad (a little) that i feel turned off but THAT IS TRULY HOW I FEEL. i don’t know what to do or how to communicate in feeling meesages. ugh. i feel disappointed.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:24pm
alias girl says:
i don’t want to tell a guy to take the lead and be strong and manly. because that feels like me taking the lead and being strong and manly telling him how to be strong and manly. rrrrrrrr. I WANT TO CANCEL. RRRRRRRRRRRR. I HAVE TO REspond to him. rrrrrrrrrrrr.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:26pm
alias girl says:
something feels off for me. i need to postpone.
that is will i will text back.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:31pm
alias girl says:
he we just texted me back and asked if i could talk. ew. i feel bad but i am just expressing how i feel. why is he asking me if i can talk?
can i kiss you? can i make love to you? can i take viagra because i have lost my manhood. ooohhh. meanness. i feel mean. i just feel turned off. i am not going to text him back.
i feel 110% turned off. wtf happened to that hunter guy? maybe i mistook desparation for hunter? maybe that is why he was so quick to get me on the phone. dang. i thought it was because he was cheetah-like or something.
so not. bleh.
see i know other women will have no problem with any of this. i am not saying there is anything wrong with his behavior.
the problem FOR ME—IS WITH ME—is i feel turned off and do not want to date a man ii feel 110% turned off by.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:46pm
Ann says:
Sounds like you’ve figured out what is best for you Alias Girl. I really like reading the way you find your feelings and speak your truth.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:47pm
Tina says:
Alias girl,
Just think of it as practice, I doubt you will hurt his feelings. This is for you REMEMBER…
I just had to tell a man from a dating site, that I feel uncomfortable adding him to my msn. I am happy to continue emailing him on the site.
I told myself that I wouldnt do this, add strange men to my msn , Im holding myself to it, he can take it or leave it for all I care. He may say screw it and I will feel disappointed but yeah, it’s good to know that I am making small steps to strengthening my boundaries.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 8:53pm
Tina says:
Alias girl,
I would go all out feelings messages on him, no kidding, just do it for yourself rather than make judgements about his uncheatah like ability lol
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:00pm
alias girl says:
thanks for the support sirens!
i feel bad that if i were honest i would unneccessarily hurt his feelings AND he would immediately be like oh oh i can call you and i don’t want to date him anymore. i don’t want to tell a man what is manly behavior for me. i feel very unfeminine and turned off doing that.
thank you so much for support and feedback though. i feel appreciative.
it would feel different if i felt attracted and he was offcourse. but this is just not a match for me.
i don’t want a man who texts me to ask if he can call me. just call for fucks sake. take a risk.ooohhh maybe i won’t be available. oooh no. maybe you’ll have to leave a message. why ask me in text if you can call?
anyway i feel i have sufficiently crucified the poor man which i would not TO him. plus no one knows who he is so i feel ok just writing my feelings like in a diary.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:35pm
Tracy says:
Rori thank you for the heads up!For me its been 8 months or soul searching and your tools/programs and the newsletters have helped me so much….i feel that i have made a real breakthrough that has shifted my entire self.I Feel grateful and blessed…..
Heather,
Its really been my first baby step break through and now i feel more encouraged to move forward….my fears around finances are still there and they are real..I am grateful for the men that trigger and help me heal and sail through my feelings….i am learning not to be afraid.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:40pm
Tracy says:
Mecedes,
I feel glad that you are making a great step,and i will be praying for you and wishing all blessings come your way…you totally deserve it!
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:43pm
Ann says:
Alias Girl said:
“i don’t want a man who texts me to ask if he can call me. just call for fucks sake.”
You sound like my daughter. She’s told me and guy friends of ours(embrassed the hell out of one of them because we could tell from his face he was guilty of this)if a guy she’s dating asks her for sex(I realize you’re talking about calling but he still asked) he can FORGET IT. She says if a man is in a relationship with a woman he should have enough sense to read the clues and know it’s ok for him to come on to her. But he better not ASK.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 9:43pm
Tracy says:
I was out yesterday having drinks with my friend’s male workmates.One was married,the other was engaged soon to be married but has a child with another lady,and the last one was engaged to longtime girlfriend soon to be married.So we got in to the whole conversation about men and women and relationship…..This is what i noticed
First,talking to a man about relationship issues based on what you think just brings about a back and forth sort of conversation where no one is really listening to what the other is saying…words just fly and nothing gets decided….when i listened to it….as my friends argued with the guyz the conversations just did not make any sense….it felt like talk….people just talking…no one was getting heard….
when i tried to shift and explain from what i felt and instead of blaming,accepted responsibility and said what would make me happy,the men agreed with me and i was actually complimented for understanding their point of view….they said i understood them…
It was amazing to actually see in reality all i have been learning for sometime now play itself before me….Of course i did not always agree with what the guyz had to say….but i could tell that they were listening to what i was saying…because i understood them..simple..
I have often felt that in my past relationships i never really paid attention to my feelings because i was busy wondering what was going on in my man’s head….it felt so draining because i could not possibly analyze or figure itout….I finally noticed that when i focus on my feelings and really be honest about myself…that inspires a man to tell me what is going on with him…for some reason, it provides this nice comfortable environment and he opens up…
The married guy however said something interesting…that the only way most marriages survived was only because the men in this relationships lied to their wives…i.e they were not truthful…that really triggered me and i blew up…I guess i got triggered because this belief has been fed to so many people including myself and it creates so much fear and doubt in me…..when i think about it now,with such a belief in my head,i would not trust my man,i would be miserable and always suspicious and it makes me wonder what kind of a relationship i would be creating if i believed that….
I feel glad i am awakening to so much truth about life and love..it feels totally inspiring…
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:12pm
Tina says:
Alias girl,
I would be concerned that if I allow a man I feel attraction for to be allowed some slack, such as planning a date closer to his location , then I would feel I have settled. This is complicated lol. Circular dating is suppose to allow you to go out on dates with men you are not attracted to. The point is to allow yourself to FEEL in his presence. Don’t give up!
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:18pm
Tracy says:
Alias,
I had the same experience with two guyz in my circular dating circle and each time i met them i felt drained.One of them just kept staring at me and didn’t talk much and expected me to keep the conversation flowing….I started feeling bad,and insecure about myself…..all these past fears started creeping in and i felt suffocated….so i left and i stopped chatting with him…when he texted i explained that i felt weird and uncomfortable talking all the time and always trying to make conversation and it made me feel bad.
I honestly don’t intend to keep talking to these guyz,i feel that i have done my part and given that i do not feel any connection i choose to focus on what feels good for me and that is trying on another date and seeing how it goes….
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:26pm
Simply Shannon says:
I just got home from my date a little bit ago. The baseball game was a blast! They had fireworks and everything. Beautiful summer night. Fabulous weather. I felt good the whole time. However, I did not feel a connection with the guy. And he was clearly feeling one for me. Nothing over the top but he was touching my hair, putting his arm around the back of my chair. Just random touching, but touching, ya know? Definitely leaning in. And it was great practice. It was easy to lean back because I wasn’t interested or turned on at all.
So, how in the world am I honest that I’m just not feeling it for him? Is it even worth it to do that on a first date? I just didn’t feel good about saying something to him when he dropped me off. He is a nice guy. Hell, he brought me flowers for goodness sake!!! Crap. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t hate him or anything at all. Just no chemistry, not a single spark. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll have to say something eventually if he calls me and asks me out again. I’m not going to lead him on. I can say it then. It just didn’t feel right to do it tonight. Oh well. It is soooo hard for me to drop this nice girl thing.
I don’t know why I’m beating myself up about this. I had a good time. I think he did too. I thanked him for everything and went inside.
Baby steps. Shannon
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:38pm
Simply Shannon says:
Tina: “Circular dating is suppose to allow you to go out on dates with men you are not attracted to. The point is to allow yourself to FEEL in his presence.”
Hold the phone Batman. The point of Circular Dating is to allow you to go out with men I’m NOT attracted to. Huh? Ok, I missed that memo. I feel confused. It’s really late here (2am) so it’s possible my brain has already gone to sleep.
Good night to all the lovely sirens and brave soldiers. Day One of Operation Evolution is done. Shannon
Shannon
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 10:50pm
Tina says:
Simply Shannon
Did you receive a message? I mean when Rori says these guys are like messengers , they have something to tell you, I would focus on that. The guy who emailed me about adding him to my msn has since stopped emailing me lol. I had hopes, I deleted him and he can no longer see my profile. I live at least one hour from where all my “matches” are so it’s not hard for me to lean back and use feeling messages. Two did make the journey and met me. I have to add them to my “favs” list so I do have to lean forward a bit, however it’s the minimum time and energy invested as I get. It’s kinda like doing the 5 second look in his direction thing for me. I delete them after a few days if I dont get a response. Living in the boonies is a problem, I’m adding that to my “problems list”
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 11:13pm
Tina says:
Yes, Simply Shannon, unless I missed the whole point lol. I feel uninformed now. ok maybe double check that. That is what I am interpreting as circular dating with exception from the guy who says “why do all women act like female dogs” I will hell no go any where with this man. He just plain scared the bejeezus out of me.
Friday, 7 August 2009 @ 11:27pm
Aggy says:
I remember some years back this one particular man had ‘power’ I will say over me, He realy was stringing me along. I have his child and he did a lot of mean things to me and my small head then would wonder, and blame myself soo much
I am a much stronger person now and believe me if shooting someone was not a crime, I will gladly shoot him without a thought, Its good to know that I need ME to make ME happy
Thanks to this blog and all the sirens in this ireland now I only focus on making MYSELF happy, and believe me or not good quality men are coming my way like crazy, some (two) asking for commitment too soon, waw! wah! I just feel great about this
love you all
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 2:02am
Daria says:
This man I’m dating is so nice, I’ve known him for years, but I feel frustrated I don’t feel attracted to him.
Uf.
It’s like I feel unheard, like my body language is not gotten, maybe he could talk to me and make a sexy comment, because physically i can imagine sex with him, I even tried it a long time ago.
But no, he’s like, umh I wanna xxx w u sweetie… I’m like blah I am going to puke. I feel so turned of itsl ike
he’s asking me in this im a lil 5 year old boy way and I dont like it.
I feel so guilty not being turned on.
tonite I yelled at him and i feel guilty. I yelled on teh phone that its rude to ask someone for sex or assume you are on a level with them when you’re not. I don’t know if it’s really rude because I would feel turned on from some guys, but the way he was sounding turned me off, or maybe that its him, but I didnt feel turned on. And I yelled. and he’s like again something like you dont like me and I yelled taht if i hear you dont liek me again ugh… i feel so drained and wouldnt you feel drained if i kept talking about how you dont like me all the time…
ughhh!
i feel frustrated
i feel bad i yelled at him he’s my friend and treats me well! cares about me.!!
ufff
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 2:51am
Simply Shannon says:
Tina: I believe my message from him was “Be honest”. And I realize I have no idea how to do that and not come off sounding like a biddy. Blech. At least not on a first date. Actually I feel bad because I mainly wanted go out (first free Friday night after the A incident), and he asked me first. I didn’t feel super attracted to him from his profile but I thought “ya never know” so I went.
The sad part is that I’m reaping what I sow. He just texted me that he had “an amazing time last night”, and he’s asked me to text him or call him sometime. Now I feel bad because I didn’t say anything. Crap. I just didn’t want to ruin my good feelings last night. I had fun, and I didn’t want to have that convo with him and bring my mood down. I guess I’m going to send it to him in a text now. Blech. I feel annoyed and turned off.
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 7:52am
Simply Shannon says:
Ok, note to self. Men actually respond to you being truthful in a good way. I texted the guy from last night - “I appreciate you taking me to the game last night. I loved it! I don’t feel a romantic connection but if you want we can hang out sometime. You have my number. Shannon” He texted me back saying “I would like that.” Gosh, I was feeling so awful for nothing. Phew. And I got practice again today because another guy called to talk and he mentioned he was separated. Again because I’m a chicken, I didn’t say anything right away. But afterwards, I’m kicking myself for it. So I emailed him and said “I wasn’t completely honest with you on the phone, and I feel bad now. I do feel uncomfortable with men who are not legally divorced. I’ve been in your shoes which makes me feel like a hypocrite, but I thought I should tell you the truth. What do you think?” We’ll see what he says.
I feel better, like the honesty part of me is coming out faster. I am really battling against myself and this “yes/ no problem/ it’s fine/ sounds good” thing I have going. I feel the feelings as they are happening but the words will not formulate in my mouth.
I am actually in love with this whole process I’m going through. How did I survive my whole life never sharing this part of myself with anyone…not even me???
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 11:17am
Simply Shannon says:
Almost forgot…
Daria: Whenever a man does that whiney boy talk, it gives me the creeps. Literally feels like the hairs on my arm stand up. My ex did that. So I would feel completely turned off too. No, no, and no. Ewww. I actually liked what you said to him. “I feel drained. I feel frustrated.”
I am curious about something though. Wouldn’t a guy at this point ask you “why do you feel that way?” How do you tell him why without blaming him? Gosh some days I feel like I haven’t learned a single thing yet. Shannon
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 11:45am
Fernando says:
Daria: Don’t settle. There’s men out there who will treat you will and still set your passion ablaze. Don’t settle for just one or the other, you and every girl deserves better than having to make that choice.
SS: I feel inspired by you! This is what I’m talking about! If everyone was as honest as you’re trying to be, we’d all be way happier with ourselves and everyone else. It’s a respect thing too! I bet those guys are a little sad that things aren’t quite perfect, but I bet they’re ecstatic to have someone they can count on to be totally honest with them. It’s so rare, but SO refreshing!
I want to give you a hug! You’re awesome!
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 11:49am
Fernando says:
Perhaps something like NVC teaches: “When you do x, I feel y.” For instance, “When you do that whiney boy thing, I feel icky.”
I don’t ask why women feel the way they do, and I think a lot of guys are the same way. Emotions don’t need a rhyme or reason, but if one is asked, the “When x happens, I feel y” is probably the best way to go.
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 12:16pm
gina says:
boo hoo… I feel so confused, mad and a little
“less than.” and also goddessy and fed up and ready for “the real deal.” I had sex with my boss a couple of weeks ago. It was dumb cause he definitely wasn’t pursuing me for a real relationship and I don’t even consider him relationship material: I feel bad at work fairly often cause I see him flirt with other girls, he drinks too much, he’s violent at times (not towards me) and I see him fail in his commitment to a kid he has with one of my co-workers. What a winner, right? I see another side of him that is intelligent and funny, tender and fun - I think he’s pretty cute and I’m sexually attracted to him. When he was coming on to me, at first I said
“I feel weird cause I seel you flirt with other girls and it doesn’t feel good. i feel attracted to you, and it doesn’t feel good to hardly be acknowledged when we’re at work. I feel bad about doing something “taboo.” Plus I get the impression that “you’re not that into me,” and I want to be pursued by a guy who really feels it for me.”
He said that he’s very attracted to me sexually, he doesn’t know what he wants. He can’t pursue me for a real relationship because he’s my boss (he can f***k me though…?) - the only way he could pursue me as his girlfriend is if I quit, and he’s not going to ask me to do that cause I make too much money, so it’d be uncool for him to ask me to quit on the offchance that we might work as “boyfriend and girlfriend.”
I said that I get the impression that he just “wants a warm place to put it” and that I didn’t want to be that for him. He made few jokes and then he fell asleep. I kept thinking “I wish he was out of my beautiful room right now and off of my luscious silky sheets - I’d much rather be alone without his big hairy, dirty feet-ness.” Later he got all cuddly, and it felt pretty good, and then eventually, i gave in and had sex with him. BOO!! That was not nice of me to do to myself!!! I didn’t deserve that!! Why did I do it? Some moments felt pretty good. But mostly I felt like I got f****d. He sucked on my tongue so hard that it hurt for a couple of days!
The next day i felt kinda sexy (except my tongue) and I thought “well, that was a little unpleasant and unwise, but no harm no foul, really. I just won’t do that again. But earlier this week I started feeling all lustfull for him and I convinced myself that he hadn’t contacted me because I had conveyed a lack of interest in maintaining an intimate relationship. So I texted him:
“hey”
he said “HEY!!! whats up??”
I said “I keep thinking about u”
he said “awesome! we’re just getting out of a ballgame.”
I said “we’re watching a movie on my wall.”
he said “we’re headed to the club in Dallas” (which is an hour away)
I said “thanks for making it easier not to want you.”
he said “how?”
and I didn’t say anything. I just felt ugh cause his responses had nothing at all to do with me - I realized that I do want romance, not a f**K buddy. His response was confirmation that he doesn’t care about me at all
Then tonight, at work (the first time I’ve seen him since the texting) I asked one of the other waitresses he flirts with if she ever had anything with him (he swore that he never had anything with her outside of playfully flirting at work). Anyway, it turns out that he took her out a couple of times, and they’ve made out. Now I’m fairly certain that he lied about the other girls that he swore he didn’t have anything with. I get the impression that he’s pretty into this one girl and that I’ve been on his back-burner. I feel jealous. And angry. I love my anger. I know I deserve better. I deserve love and happiness and good feelings. I deserve a good relationship. I feel a little sad and lonely. I feel foolish that I even care about his relationships with other women: I don’t think highly of him, but I’m a little jealous that he seems to prefer this one girl. She’s this totally hot 18 year old. He’s 27 and I’m 28. Last week when they were flirting I thought, hmmm… how do I feel? I felt a little sad and small. But then I felt my own beauty radiating from the inside out and I felt certain that I deserve a man who makes me feel good. I do. I feel determined in my heart that I will never give my gloriousness to an undeserving scum bag. I feel judgemental and self rigtheous and strong and as if I DO want to control the outcome - I don’t trust his character and I don’t want to be close to him. I still FEEL attracted to him a little, but I know better. I’m not sure what to make of that in terms of tools and Rori’s rules. Also, I’m not sure if it was a good idea to have asked this girl about their relationship. In a way, it feels sort of none of my business, and the fact that he flirted with her in my presence is as far as “my business” went. I guess it’s good to have information that cements the fact that I want nothing to do with this guy (mostly cause he lied to me, and to her also). but I’m not sure. Also, I told her that I had a thing with him. Again, I’m not sure if that helped things. It felt good to lighten my load (since I always act as if absolutely nothing has gone on with him), it felt good to ‘get him back,’ but in general it all felt slimy gross and bad.
I feel like I don’t want to work there much longer. I feel my life opening up in so many positive ways and that place feels negative (except the money). If I pursue the other opportunities that I’m scared of, that I’ve been putting off (writing a children’s book and creating public speaking opportunities), then I could be free of this nonsense. I believe that this was the pressure i needed to feel strong about boundaries and the pressure i needed to want out of that job.
I’m uncertain about how boundaries work when it comes to eye contact. Feels foolish to say, but eye contact is the majority of our taboo relationship. Do i shut him out? do I let him see how I feel? That part I feel confused about. How do I relate to him until I’m outta there?
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 1:56pm
Rori Raye says:
Great question, Shannon, and your opening feeling message is just the “first round.” that’s where writing down your “speeches” before hand comes in handy - you can go DEEPER on the second round. “When that happens, I feel…” Do your best to construct a sentence that does not have the word “you” in it - just for the sake of real clarity here…I love Fernando’s “when you do X, I feel y” - and I appreciate hearing that from a man — but it STILL is making the man wrong, just because he’ll HEAR it that way. Just go with “When that happened…” THEN you get to improvise and respond in the moment to HIS response…”Oh…it feels good to be heard, oh…Now I feel really angry and unheard….oh, thank you for hearing me out…oh, I feel really great now just getting it said…” all kinds of things here. Love, Rori
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 5:33pm
Rori Raye says:
This is fabulous, Shannon — you are doing fantastic…Rori
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 5:34pm
Nancy says:
Rori and Everybody Else Here Too,
Those are the kinds of wording problems I’m struggling with right now, too. Rori, I was so happy to see your reply to Shannon’s comment. In the case of a man speaking in a whiny, draining way, could I also say, “When I hear that, I feel…”?
My guy is a practical joker and will sometimes cross the line with his comments. I don’t feel any ill intent, but I still feel hurt/bad. Can I say “When I hear that, I feel…”?
Similarly, he’ll often tell me of his woes, questions about life, disappointments… all in an intimate, sharing way that I really enjoy. The trick is not to start advising him. I fall into that all the time and it’s mainly due to not having other words in my repertoire yet to use. So for example let’s say he says, “I want to run something by you. I’m thinking of refinancing my house but I’m not sure it’s the right time.” Should I go ahead and tell him what I think? I feel so masculine doing it, but I have no idea what else to say. Any hints?
I’m so happy I finally thought to come here and look for this blog. I’ve been struggling all alone with your CDs and… what a relief! Hello to everyone. I feel SO HAPPY to be here.
Nancy
Saturday, 8 August 2009 @ 9:30pm
Tracy says:
Shannon,
I have been having the same issue with guyz i don’t feel any attraction for….i get it now…it’s all about not running away from the irky feelings but instead embracing them and being honest about what i feel…I especially love the one you pointed out about not feeling romantically connected to someone but being open to friendship….
Thanks for sharing that….
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 12:25am
Tracy says:
Fernando,
I totally agree with you with regards to not settling for anything less than what makes one happy…..I can relate to the urge to settle down and sometimes my fears come up and i feel worried about running out of time,not meeting the right man…all the insecurities i have deep inside of me….
Funny thing is i met this guy on a date and i was instantly attracted to him,and the same fears insecurities crept up again…I feel amused about this and i am trying to follow through and find out why i fear something good and real….or rather why i feel i’am incapable of attracting and keeping something good and real…
The guy i wasn’t attracted to made me feel drained and suffocated and i felt pressured to like him and i felt turned off…The guy i was attracted to made me feel anxious and scared and i felt so insecure.He treated me really well and i enjoyed his company but i keep feeling worried he wouldn’t call again or he wasn’t so much into me…
I know this is all my stuff i need to deal with..i feel confused about my mixed feelings.I feel that either way with or without a good guy…i still feel unhappy, i still feel like there is something i am missing…
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 12:38am
Fernando says:
Tracy: I’m glad I’m not the only one!
It’s scary when you go, “Holy damn! This person is quality! I didn’t think anyone would live up to my insane standards, and here they are! Oh, they didn’t text/back! I hope I didn’t screw things up!” and all these thoughts fill your head until it feels like it’s going to explode!
However, I take Rori’s advice to heart about these things. I lean back at that point, and go, “If I freak out, I’m going to ruin this thing. I’ve gotta enjoy it moment by moment. I don’t NEED this to happen, but I sure do WANT it! I’ll take it as it comes, and enjoy every minute I can!”
I hope you find the same kind of thing works for you.
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 12:49am
Tracy says:
Fernando,
Its exactly as you said it.I feel that my head is going to explode sometimes….something else is that i always find myself trying to please this guy and be the gal…in my opinion,he’d want me to be….I guess that’s why i feel so insecure…i am not myself…
I feel glad dating is really helping me figure so much about myself…
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 1:31am
Daria says:
Tracy!!
This is exactly how ive noticed myself feel about guys i dont like and then like!
“The guy i wasn’t attracted to made me feel drained and suffocated and i felt pressured to like him and i felt turned off…
The guy i was attracted to made me feel anxious and scared and i felt so insecure.He treated me really well and i enjoyed his company but i keep feeling worried he wouldn’t call again or he wasn’t so much into me…”
I wonder what the message is? Rori can you help us?
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 3:36am
Daria says:
PS this is totally manifesting too as the guys i do like wind up calling me less, im thinking its either i pick them more aloof or
even more likely i am doing something that communicates that i am worried they will call me less and then they do
or something like that
cuz other guys dont call me less
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 3:38am
Nancy says:
Hello Sirens,
Help me tweak my power speech! My guy of a year and 3 months is stuck and I’m miserable. We have a good love relationship going and he’s the most amazing boyfriend in every respect, except that I want a shared life with a husband and he’s not moving us towards marriage and it’s driving me out of my mind. So, even though I adore my time with him and he calls me multiple times each day, is affectionate, funny, fun, sexy, supportive, thoughtful and wonderful, I can’t really enjoy my time with him because I’m constantly aware that we’re not in an ultimately comitted relationship and so not really together. We’re great together and it’s beyond a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m longing for us to be married so we can live together and really let the relationship take off. About a month after we met he casually mentioned that we could start discussing marriage after about a year. I never liked that and felt it was too long for me to wait emotionally and now at 1 year 3 months, I can feel that he isn’t even thinking about bringing it up with me. Every so often I explode out of the top of my head and put a ton of pressure on him, to which he never responds well, of course. I’ve realized that I explode because I’m not circular dating and he has all the power. So a few days ago I resolved to go back to the Turnaround and then let him know, in 2 months or so that he can’t expect to keep me all to himself (thank you Rori!) while he’s making up his mind/dealing with his issues. When I made this plan, I had a ton of pressure built up inside and felt that I also just had to know that I’m not in a deadend relationship. So that very night I tried to have the talk without having the talk and asked him point blank if he sees us as a couple in a “premarriage state” or something (should have written that power speech!) to that effect and he said yes, but that he never wants another divorce, so wants someone really, really compatible and is still assessing. He also said that he sees us as being in a good dating, getting to know each other, committed relationship. He also said I’m pressuring him immensely, that these conversations make him feel like the relationship is going backwards. What really alarmed me is that he cited 3 or 4 reasons why he’s not ready and they are the exact same reasons he gave me 9 months ago:
1. he had a traumatic divorce a year and 8 months ago (married 3 years and she cheated on him. he divorced her immediately and moved out and bought his own home. He has no relationship with her other than some loose ends that he tied up neatly during the first few months of our relationship)
2. he has a “crappy” job with night time hours and his ex cited that as a problem. I myself don’t find it to be a problem and have told him as much several times. It’s also not a crappy job. It’s an exciting job for him in many ways - driving limos full of exciting rock stars and other VIPs. The pay is not huge, but I’ll take an affectionate, fun and loving man without money over many men I’ve met with money anyday.
3. we can’t sell our houses now because the economy is so bad that we’d lose money.
Obviously, there has been NO movement on his part over this last year!
I understand that a man’s career is super important to him. I understand that he had a hurtful experience and has needed time. I broke up with him in January fearing I was a rebound. After a month he told me he loved me and missed me and that I was never a rebound and he stopped talking about his ex. But my gut tells me that these are mostly excuses he uses to keep me from storming the door. And I don’t WANT to be storming the door. I want HIM to take the lead, pick up the ball and walk me up that bridge. I’d be so EXCITED and HAPPY to marry him.
After this way too long and excruciating talk the other night, I fled to my laundry room, leand up against my stackable washer/dryer and buried my eyes in the crook of my arm. I didn’t want to look at the results of how much I pushed him. I felt SO AFRAID. My dogs came in to see how I was and I knelt down to hug them. He got up and walked through the house, looked down at me and said “I think I’ll just go home.” I just looked up at him and said “Okay.” I sat where I was until he was gone. I feel like he took the power in the relationship and walk out with it!
That was four days ago and this is the first time this has happened, so it’s scary. I am not going to call him. I’ve prepared my speech and would love some help tweaking it and some reassurance that this is the right time to use it, when he calls. In the meantime I’m dating myself (out to dinner alone and pretty comfortable! out to a movie tonight! I’m amazing!) and working on myself and regaining my power. I’m working on ‘flirting with the world’ and making myself beautiful.
Here’s my speech:
You know, I get that you need time and I really don’t want to pressure you. But, I don’t want to be one of those women who is waiting around for her man to make up his mind. I can’t stand the feeling that I may be in a dead end relationship. I’m not looking for a really long courtship. I’m looking for the real deal and am feeling ready. I’m in a relationship because I’m looking for a shared life, together.
And I don’t want to rush you. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need. But I don’t want a dead end relationship and I don’t want to wait through a really long courtship. I love myself and I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. I don’t want to wait. However, of course you can have all the time you want and need to assess us, to develop your career, to heal from your ex, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind.
I love what we have together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.
Please tell me what you think and give me your feedback about whether this is the right time to use it.
Thanks!
Nancy
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 11:14am
Rori Raye says:
Nancy - this is so good, I’m going to turn it into a post…Rori
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 12:56pm
Nancy says:
Rori,
I feel like crying. I just had an email from him. He’s been in Canada and couldn’t call, he’s going to be in my area for work tonight and wants to stop by. Says he’s been doing a lot of soul searching and that “We do need to talk.” I’m so afraid he’s coming to break up with me and I have non idea what to do. I’m terrified.
Nancy
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 2:12pm
Erika says:
Holy moly … something happened, Sirens, something major shifted. Major major. I think it was finding a core belief with EFT.
I literally have stopped thinking about men. The last bit of anger or sadness faded away, and I’m having a hard time even if I TRY to think about a man to think about him.
Wowzers … I knew EFT and feeling messages were powerful … but I didn’t realize they were THIS powerful.
I know some of you are already signed up for the financial abundance teleclass tomorrow night, and I hope many more of you will sign up. Kate and I are SO looking forward to sharing our expertise with you.
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 8:23pm
Robin says:
Nancy,
I loved your speech, and you could use it when he talks to you. Lean back, ground yourself, and please let us all know what happens..
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 8:23pm
Robin says:
THANK YOU for responses earlier as to whether or not to call the guy who was complaining about my not calling, and told me about those bridesmaids calling him…
So here’s an update:
He responded to my text that I might want him all to myself with ‘lol, okay. I am on a cruise’ to which I responded with ‘wow, cool, tell me more..’
And I never heard from him, but discovered that something was wrong with my phone, so I sent him a text ‘wow, the phones been weird, but I got you message. wow, a cruise..tell me more..”
This was what I got back: “Cool well find a phone and call me, let me make it clear I am not happy, I told my uncle u r not calling SO U LIKE ME THEN CALL OR LOSE ME.
I want a girl who has a golden loving heart, who wants me or misses my voice so don’t miss the love or your life CALL or FORGET me and look for true love”
So I called him, we talked for only 12 minutes, he was happy to talk to me and kept saying ‘wow you called’ and then he’s like ‘omg when you finally call, my phone is about to die…’ and then he had to get off of the phone for dinner…
Nothing about calling me back, nothing, so whatever…I feel a little sad..
The ball is in his court…
Sires? Gentlemen? What do you think?
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 8:46pm
Tracy says:
Daria,
I feel glad that we share the same experience when it comes to guyz we are attracted to….I have been trying to lean back and watch what happens with guyz i particularly like…it’s a real trigger because funny enough they seem to be the ones taking their time….being uncertain….and it really makes me feel worried and all my insecurities come up again…I feel glad for this opportunity to feel through my fears and worries and dig deep inside myself…I would love to understand why it happens this way…..what’s the lesson for me….
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 10:12pm
Erika says:
Tracy, Daria,
This seems to be a fairly universal experience — that people see the most indecisiveness in the other person if they really like the other person. Guys have this pattern too. They call it “one-itis.”
I have come to believe that this has NOTHING to do with the other person. It’s all how much fear we are still carrying around from early life experiences. The reason we don’t see the fear when we’re not “into” the other person is that the fear of intimacy only gets triggered when we see REAL possibility.
If we like someone and are not in touch with our fear, then we project that fear onto the other person, which shows up as HIS indecisiveness and unwillingness to commit, but is actually OUR fear.
I believe feeling messages like Rori teaches work because as we become present we release the fear.
But I don’t believe that anything we “do” in the world (in terms of how often we call, whether we text, email, etc.) matters one iota. The only thing that shifts anything, in my experience, is to release our own fear. Which for me has only worked when I trace the fear back to earliest childhood memories.
It’s not about HIM. It’s about our fear from early life experiences. That’s my take anyway.
I never got anywhere with any guy by focusing on whether to call him or what to say or what to do. My love life and relationships with men changed when I used a combination of feeling messages, EFT, meditation, etc. to release the traumas from my early life.
I put this quote from A Course in Miracles on my Facebook today:
“Yet think on this, and learn the cause of faithlessness: You think you hold against your brother what he has done to you. But what you really blame him for is what you did to him. It is not his past but yours you hold against him.”
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 10:51pm
Tracy says:
Erika,
Thank you…..I feel that what you’ve said makes a lot of sense….I was beginning to wonder why the same thing kept happening…Thank you…I am really going to work and try and trace back my fears…i know i have a lot of that…
Thanks for the suggestion…Hugs..
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 11:34pm
Erika says:
Thanks Tracy.
A couple of years ago, when I first started this journey back to wholeness, I was dating about four different guys. All four of them got into relationships with other women at exactly the same time. When they told me, they all used approximately the same words.
That’s when I realized … hmmm … this is just too weird of a coincidence. It must be some energetic pattern in ME.
Honestly, I don’t think I really released that pattern fully until the past couple of weeks when I realized that core belief based on one specific memory with my parents. I think that one specific memory was the foundation for all the “painful triads” in my life, and I’ve had a lot of them, not only with men but girlfriends as well. I blogged about it, even though it was really personal and vulnerable for me to do so, because I believe that being really personal and vulnerable gives other people the freedom to do the same: http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/08/is-this-end-of-desire.html
We can keep replaying the same old painful scripts over and over again, or we can find the origin and erase them once and for all.
Sunday, 9 August 2009 @ 11:40pm
alias girl says:
nancy i feel very happy you are here!
robin — how do you FEEL? i feel not very good reading that story. i feel reminded of when i try to keep guessing what will be the best “actions” to take to get the “results” i want from a man instead of using feeling messages and i don’t want statements. personally, for me, if a man was acting the way that man was acting towards ME, i would be like ew. i might say stuff like: i feel manipulated. i feel threatened. i feel commanded and bullied. i feel uncherished. i feel like a man not a woman in this equation.
but that’s just me and everybody responds to things differently. men say stuff to me sometimes that i find charming and enticing that other woman might be like -ew. sometimes it depends on the tone and intentions behind things which i can’t really get by just reading what he is saying to you.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 12:32am
Mercedes says:
Ann: Thanks! Yeah…I know its just those nasty voices. I’m working on hushing them…they are of no use to me now. My concern about it is the same as with the car. He won’t take money from me so it’s like I’m giving up a lot of my independence but…I was aware a long time ago that he wouldn’t take the money, so I knew it when I made this decision. The concern is that he’ll begin to see me as someone he’s “taking care of” and will stop seeing that I have the strength and power to do that on my own. But…he insists that’s not going to happen, he loves me, I “practically” live with him anyway…etc, etc, etc. So…here I am…taking a big step (HUGE for me) and moving forward. Thanks again for you thoughts…I really appreciate it…
Much Love,
Mercedes
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 6:25am
Rori Raye says:
Erika - loved your post…it seems to me we are ALL stuck a bit in this scenario — I remember how much I resented my mother for merely getting my father’s attention - for having a good time with friends in the living room as a couple while I was in the dark, alone in bed - even when I was older. And the crying in the crib scenario, the non-fulfillment of basic needs is pretty universal…so sharing the process you’ve discovered for yourself is incredibly helpful…Love, Rori
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 11:02am
Nancy says:
Robin,
Thanks for your vote of confidence on my speech!
I couldn’t find your previous posts about this man, so I’ll just respond to what you’ve told us about your interaction with him in this last post:
Off the cuff, he sounds a little immature to me. And, I think he could have been excited to hear from you and his cell really was about to die and he was distracted by that, or it could all have been an immature game. If it were me, I’d just wait and see what he does. It’s all conjecture at this point. I wouldn’t invest emotionally and would continue on my merry way unless he gave me good reason not to. It’s too soon to tell. Am I right that you’re still in the “first contact” phase with him?
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 1:18pm
Nancy says:
alias girl,
Thanks! And I hope you’ll still feel that way after I post my next which is not mandatory reading for anyone because it is just way too long! But I so appreciate having this place to come to and write it!
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 1:20pm
Nancy says:
Hi Sirens,
After posting my terrified message yesterday, I stuck out my feelers and tried to feel what to do. I felt frantic. I felt I had very little time in which to come up with a response to him that was going to be authentic and that could help restore my connection to him. I was listening to “Blueprint” and Rori’s interview with Christian Carter. I turned it back on to distract myself from my terror. And the most amazing thing happened. Christian was pointing out the difference between natural connection and trying to force a relationship down your timeline. I listened. I realized more deeply that I had pushed my man away when I ranted at him the other night. So I sent him an email and tried to speak honestly and directly from my heart. I said it felt good to hear from him, that I’d love to see him, that I had missed him and that I was sorry for pushing him away. I told him I would love to be able to talk with him about what happened; that I felt my request to know where we stand was reasonable. That I couldn’t stand the feeling I might be in a dead end relationship. That I hadn’t intended to give him the message that he had to do anything. That I don’t want to break up. That I felt frightened, worried and unsure. That I’d like to talk sometime soon when we really have the time (he was working and couldn’t stop by for any real length of time) and that if he’d like to stop by to say hi that would feel just great.
I felt better after I sent it and went out to mow my lawn. Now, I’ve listened to that “Blueprint” CD 10 times (I’ve listened to the “Turnaround” disk 100 times!) Suddenly I had the biggest breakthrough. I saw so clearly how I affect my relationship when I push my timeline at him and try to race the relationship to the finish line. And it was like my heart burst open and knocked an old coat of heavy armor off of my body! Suddenly I saw and felt everything so clearly and it wasn’t a struggle anymore! I’ll try to explain what happened, but really, yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I ran inside and sent my guy another email. I told him that I just had to share that I had really gotten it. I got that my coming at him in that way doesn’t feel fun for him, or for ME! I thanked him for the opportunity to learn that. I thanked him for his feedback during the conversation (he told me these kinds of “talks” make him feel like the relationship is moving backward and he also tried to point out how badly I react when he pressures me to do anything) and told him how great it felt and how great I felt.
He stopped by later to say hi. I felt shaky, but leaned back and just let him do his thing. I made sure to smile at him when he walked in. He gave me a kiss. He asked me what was new, then told me what was new with him. We only had about half an hour because he was working. I worked hard to focus on what he was telling me and not to be in my head with my anxiety. Before he left, I told him I’d like to be able to feel that we’re going to be okay. He said we need to talk and that we could do that soon. I didn’t push and just said okay. He said he liked my emails. It was difficult to feel how pulled away from me he is, but also good to feel him coming back towards me. I felt ungrounded after he left and so grounded myself by hitting the floor with my foot and touching objects.
Then another amazing thing happened. I was laying on the couch looking at Facebook and started browsing his page, which I look at regularly. I saw a picture of me in my garden that he took and posted 5 days ago. 7 days ago a picture of my dog waiting in the front seat of his car with her eyes riveted on the store entrance, watching and waiting for me to come out . Then a post about and pic of some drinks I made us recently and a comment about how good I am at making them. Another post about what we’d done and experienced together that day. Another post about what we’d done the day before. Another about the concert we were at last week with a photo. Another post and photo of us at the art fair in Seattle 14 days ago. Another post and pic of us walking on the waterfront near my house. A post about what a lucky man he is to have me. 2 albums full of photos from trips we’ve taken together. So many photos of me in which I could see my own glowing response to his admiration of my hair, my face, my body and who I am to him. And on and on. I began laughing with joy as it came over me just how into me my man is, about how into US he is. And at the many, many things he does to reach towards me and to make me feel good. And I was shocked and surprised to realize that it’s been this way for over a year and I haven’t really seen or FELT it as it has been happening! I realized that by being in my head with my anger and ruminating about how he’s not showing up and not coming around and on and on and on about my timeline and my race to the finish line, I HAVE BEEN MISSING THE RIDE OF MY LIFE. By the end of that 20 minute session of looking at his page I was overcome with a joy I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I walked around the house just laughing. Laughing as I opened the fridge door. Laughing as I brushed my teeth! I was so joyful and peaceful and surprised by what I was feeling that when I walked into my bedroom and saw the Buddha sitting on my dresser I thought, “This must be what enlightenment is like.” Could it be?!?
This morning I have the fear back in the pit of my stomach. Did I push him too hard this time? Will we recover? I sense that we will, but am still feeling so scared. I don’t know whether I’m more scared we won’t make it, or scared that we will!
I’m doing some more careful feeling or intuiting about my relationship and what my part has been in the way it’s gone before I use my speech. I’m not sure it’s time yet. I’m in this amazing time of realization and want to let everything I’m learning settle in and see where I am before I make that leap. It may sound like I’m chickening out, but really it’s quite the opposite. I’m seeing how chicken I really am, how afraid I am to just stand here and let him love me and that when we start to get close and things are going well I push him away by trying to get across that finish line. I make it about results so I can avoid my true feelings of fear of loving and being loved: my fear of rejection, my fear of risk, my fear of loss, my fear that I’ll feel so overcome with love for him that I’ll just burst into tears and tell him all about it. And what I’m seeing is amazing! While I’m all up in my head, avoiding all that fear and pushing at him in a demanding way in order to push him away, I’m actually missing out on my own life! I can’t enjoy all the many things he does to help me feel loved and happy. I can’t even enjoy my coffee!!! And there are many, many wonderful things he does all the time and I discount them, because they’re not a ring or a proposal and it’s not moving fast enough for me. I’m totally missing the organic moments. I’m not building and nurturing our connection. I’m not providing any predictability and good ground for trust building and I’m not appreciating him because the pressure building up in me and then blowing up like bombs going off in my head is demanding all of my attention! I pretend it isn’t the case, but it is. And he feels it, even when I’m trying to hide it and pretend it isn’t happening. So I have this great guy who shows up and every time he shows up, it’s like I’m looking at him and saying “Well, that’s pretty good, but not good enough because you’re not meeting my timeline!” And I push him away and retreat back into my head and ruminate on my anger about how he’s not meeting my timeline some more. This is no way to live day to day, let alone love. I’m naming this part of myself “Mrs. Hyde”. LOL She frantically runs around with her panties in a bunch and is all about “hurry up or else”, “I’m running out of time”, “He needs a good swift kick in the ass” “I’m going to drive this relationship across that finish line if it kills it” (and it could!) and other such sentiments that are really quite un-doing to a relationship rather than nurturing my connection to him. And she’s also hiding from love. So maybe her name should be “Mrs. Hide”. No wonder the relationship is stalled. He’s probably “Wow that sure doesn’t feel like she loves ME. It feels like she’s got an agenda and needs me to fill that role. Or, “Does she love me or does she just need to get married to feel okay about herself?” Or, “Why would I want to marry someone who is essentially telling me I’d better hurry up or else?” or “Wow, I love her, but who IS this person she turns into every so often and without warning who comes running at me with scissors? How can I trust this?” Now I can tell him – “Well, Sweetie, that’s Mrs. Hide!
What I need to be doing is inspiring him to want more.
So, I’m going to treat Mrs. Hide like Rori’s “Nasty Voice.” I’m going to feel her come up, sit her in the corner, pet her on the head, give her a cookie and assure her I’ll be back in a bit to check on her, but that I’m moving on and that she will be okay. Or maybe when she comes up so strongly I’ll take a day or two to myself, away from the relationship so that I don’t become so overwhelmed by my fear of letting him love me and give myself time to regroup and process.
I am SO happy that I see this and can move beyond it now. So now I want a kind of do-over or fresh start with myself in this relationship. I want to watch what happens as I work on tolerating letting him love me and just appreciating that, without hitting him over the head with my timeline and pushing him out my door. This man loves me. He calls 3 times a day. We spend every weekend and often a couple of evenings during the week together. We go everywhere together. He cuddles me. He holds my hand. He asks me about my day. He tells me all about his. He’s told me his deepest secrets. He includes me in every part of his world. He’s called me his girlfriend since our third date. His Facebook page is all about him, me and our relationship. I’m actually a very lucky woman and I can’t see that because I’m SO SCARED of what might or might not happen. But I think it’s worth the risk in this case, to at least make an effort to let my guard down, unzipper my heart and let this man in. I’m excited and I feel shaky, but GREAT.
Rori, I have to thank you, from the bottom of my now-much-bigger-heart. It’s an understatement to say that you have touched my life with your work in the most profound of ways. And I am crying tears of gratitude and awe as I tell you this. The highs really are getting higher and the lows really are becoming more tolerable. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sirens, thanks for reading and please let me know how this feels to you.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 1:22pm
heartbeat says:
Wow Nancy! It feels like Unconditional Love for your Life - I’ve been checking for an update and I feel great joy and release reading your comment!
I’ve been through this, times I worried I’d had a breakthrough too late, but all was well. Please take heart, my story has turned out really well, I feel happy and secure.
Sounds like he’s very much in love with you, and your new-found self belief will only benefit your relationship. I know I believe in myself enough now to realise I’m special in my man’s life.
I believe in you!
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 2:02pm
heartbeat says:
Erika I’m fascinated and in accord with your comment. I’ve been focused on my art recently and so not been posting here, and this has really helped me feel lighter. I’m also recognising patterns from the distant past and tapping on the feelings as I remember and feel them in my body.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 2:05pm
heartbeat says:
AG I’m loving your recent comments - you feel so bubbly and rich!
Great to keep up with everyone and read your comments. xx
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 2:07pm
Nancy says:
Thanks, Heartbeat. That’s very encouraging to hear.
Erika, I read your post and went to your forum and then watched the youtube vid. (I left the comment about your voice sounding like Kathleen Madigan’s - just a little). Great sounding stuff, this EFT!
I often felt left out when I was little as well. You and Rori reminded me when my parents would have friends over in the evening after putting me to bed. They’d bring instruments and they’d all play and sing. When I asked to join them and was told no, I came up with a plan. I was 3 or 4. I got out of bed and sat on the stairs and pretended to cry. My mom came to see about me, asked what was wrong and I said “The music makes me sad.” She laughed (probaly recognizing my ploy) and brought me downstairs to join them. I sang and hammed it up big time. After that they allowed me to join them other times, too. It’s really cool to sit here today and realize that that feeling message brought me closer to them. Much closer than a tantrum would have! So, thanks for your post.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 3:50pm
Bethany says:
Erika,
I felt completely stunned when I read your comment:
“If we like someone and are not in touch with our fear, then we project that fear onto the other person, which shows up as HIS indecisiveness and unwillingness to commit, but is actually OUR fear.” That’s been such a blind spot for me…I felt these spooky hot-flashes when I read it, like a punch in the stomach, but not in a bad way…wow, I feel giddy and a little bit loopy, thanks for that.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 4:17pm
Nancy says:
Bethany,
I’ve been reading through some of your posts about Christopher. Could he be in your life to teach you your boundaries?
I was struck by your post about your trip with him, both by the money thing and the sex thing where you didn’t want to but allowed the fooling around while you were sleepy, etc.
The money thing: I can see how you might let that happen. You were in the middle of a trip and you either had to do the trip alone and send him away and pay for it all yourself anyway, or include him and foot the bill, or call the whole thing off and go home. He lead you to believe he’d be paying his portion, then let you down (intentionally or not) and didn’t. It’s a mess of blurred boundaries. And I think you can take this experience and learn from it and form a strong boundary for the future, based on what you want. Maybe something like “I don’t lend money to any man I’m dating and will make sure that this never happens again.” That might mean never scheduling a trip again with a man you’re dating unless it’s all paid for up front and to your liking, whether that means he pays or you share some of the cost or you decide, in a relationship that’s going well, to surprise him with a concert or something after he’s given a lot to you.
The sex thing: my boundary is, “I never get into the same bed with a man unless he has shown up enough times to show me he’s consistent and I’m feeling super good about our relationship and know it’s the right place to be.” And I NEVER get into the same bed with a man I don’t PLAN on having sex with. Now, I’m not preaching here. After I formed that boundary I crossed it more than once before I got it down. But taking experiences like the ones you have with him and USING them to create and begin to enforce your own boundaries feels so good and empowering. In the long run it always makes me feel glad for the experience. I think you might find that if you look at and use your relationship with him for that purpose, you might feel better and then lose interest in him completey if he doesn’t start showing up.
And the wallet thing! Good for you! Go girl and feel that anger. Use it to form a good boundary with!
Think of it this way, if it taught you to have good boundaries, the relationship was worth the $700. It’s like the commercial: Good boundaries and high self esteem: priceless… for everything else, there’s Mastercard. LOL
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 5:42pm
Robin says:
Nancy, your comment was wonderful, I really feel inspired and I felt a lot of power from your words!!!! Awesome!!!!
Also, thank you for your message, he and I have been ‘dating’ for 4 months, but a more accurate description would be hes been in my ‘rotation’ for 4 months..
And I dont want to get rid of him, I actually really like him
He told me on the phone yesterday that since he had come to see me that he needed me to call more than once every 4 months…and that he was getting advice from his uncle, that his uncle asked him if there was anyone he was really interested in, and he said my name came up..
And he also said, I am also gonna have to come visit him, that he cant be the one making all the trips to see me if I was not gonna be calling, and was only gonna be calling every 4 months.
I just listened.
And then he had to get off the phone, and I havent heard from him since, and as far as Im concerned, the ball is in his court..he’s got my number..
And Alias Girl, thank you for reminding me that this is about how I FEEL in his presence…
I’m just gonna lean back and focus on me and when I hear from him, really listen to how Im FEELING about MYSELF talking to him
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 7:48pm
Robin says:
Oh, and something else I wanted to mention…
I’ve had two, not one but two guys from POF email me (after not hearing from them, just a friendly email every now and then, and I wasnt leaning froward to them, just being open when they did contact me…) and tell me ‘I’ve met someone who I think could be the one…so Im only looking for friendship. Do you wanna be friends?’
And Im not attached to these guys, hell, I haven’t even met either of them, but wtf?? I can feel my self esteem just TRYING to plummet into nothing….
So I said that would feel good, to one of them, and he writes back about this other girl hes met, and Im going ‘ok this is just like my ex, and b/c I had feelings for my ex, I said “I don’t want to talk about other women with you, it doesnt feel good…” ‘
I mean, I am just not sure AT ALL what the message is hear/ Has anybody else experienced this before? I REALLY want to heal whatever this is that’s showing up, but how can I heal it if Im not sure what the problem even is???
Maybe I should experiment and just not be friends with ANY man that comes to me the way these two did…
I just dont know…
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 7:55pm
Nancy says:
Hey Robin,
Thank you! That just felt so good!
You might also just watch what he does and doesn’t do and see how you feel about that.
In regard to POF: I met my guy there. Take heart! And these two guys who want to be friends because they’ve met other women… luck of the draw. At this point, it can’t have anything to do with YOU, in my opinion. You’ve never even met them. One thing I’ve learned in my 5-6 years of online dating (god I should write a book) is that you don’t know anything about anyone on there until you’ve met them. They probably contacted you after they met the woman they’re interested in or had a date with her before you, obviously that happened. Don’t be discouraged! We’re so rejection oriented and fragile when we’re alone and not feeling strong. Even when I felt strong I hated having that stuff happen, but it does, it’s just online dating. Consider them totally virtual before you meet them, even after talking on the phone before you meet them. What I found helpful was to limit myself only to guys that really pursued me and called and made a date. Everyone else got one or two short emails, one with my number, if they asked. You can waste a lot of precious time and energy getting wrapped up in virtual relationships that are never going to become real. My current man was confused by my boundaries. He thought I wasn’t interested, he says, and it took him a long time before he called me (like a month). But, confused or not, he did call me! And even after that, he waited a while before arranging to meet. I kept my contact minimal with him until he picked up the ball and moved with it. It’s the only way you’ll know it has a snowball’s chance of becoming real.
Wow, this is FUN! lol
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 8:28pm
Bethany says:
Nancy,
Thank you so much for your comment. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I feel completely blank when a boundary I’m not aware of is violated, so at the most I hope I’m getting clear about that stuff. I feel so good sometimes, just really energetic and free, and the same day I can feel really crappy because of something that happens with him…like tonight I was telling him on the phone I have a plan to go to New York for a month after my contract job ends, and all of a sudden, I blurt out “You should come with me!” What?! Why did I have to say that?! I feel so regressed sometimes like I’m not making any progress at all and why do I even bother? I really need to circular date but no men will talk to me in real life.
Here’s something: My “boyfriend” and I have never explicitly said we’re exclusive, just that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I said “does that mean being exclusive?” he replied, “well, I have been…” So, that’s not really a discussion, right? Never stated, so maybe I CAN go to match.com and I won’t be a horrible person? I feel so GUILTY. So TORN. I look at what other women have and I feel so jealous and I want that too, and yet I make all these excuses for why I can’t go out and circular date and let it happen, with this guy or someone else. Why the hell am I here? Because I feel terrified of being alone. I feel so embarrassed admitting that. But I am. I feel so alone in this town in the middle of nowhere.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 9:46pm
Erika says:
Bethany,
The only way I’ve found to eliminate guilt completely (after doing EFT on it) is to be utterly transparent about both thoughts and feelings. Literally speaking out loud whatever comes into one’s mind.
This once seemed impossible to me, now it feels natural 95% of the time. It feels very liberating, and it usually brings you closer to the other person. Especially once the judging jackal thoughts are translated into softer feeling messages taking full responsibility for all of our own “stuff.”
Guilt is created when inside (thoughts, feelings) don’t match up with outside (statements, actions).
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 9:51pm
Bethany says:
I just sent my match.com profile for approval. Oh my God. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I feel really guilty. I don’t WANT to date a bunch of losers…there are only two pages of people because this is such a small town…ugh, why won’t they just talk to me in real life so I wouldn’t have to DO this?! I feel really guilty and pissed and I also feel relieved at the idea of getting my focus off Christopher. I just feel so exposed. Male attention makes me feel so uncomfortable. I feel unsafe. My mom was sexually assaulted before I was born, before she met my dad, and my whole life it’s been “be careful! Are your doors locked? Do NOT go out at night it’s not SAFE!” and no wonder I feel like a nervous, shaking wreck. Maybe she transferred all her fear to me. I am afraid of a really icky guy wanting me and me having to say no and not knowing what to do…I feel really scared; I feel my body shaking and I I feel frozen at the same time. I feel catatonic almost. Like a statue. I feel like my whole body is made out of slow-moving granite. I love my horrible feeling. I can’t even name it, it’s just an icky, icky feeling. Like a poison in my veins turning my blood black, and I feel weird tingles and tightness in my jaw and my forehead, I love my tight face and my poisonous veins, I love my icky feeling, I feel compassion for it…
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 9:57pm
Bethany says:
Erika, thank you…I want to do EFT on this stuff and let my subconscious solve it…I also want to be able to share what comes up for me…
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 10:02pm
Nancy says:
Bethany,
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so alone. I know that feeling and it’s not fun. Are you able at all to relocate? I mean, I think it’s entirely possible you’ll find someone if you don’t, but are you happy living where you are and if not, can you move to someplace that feels better to you? Going to NY for a month sounds like a good break, at any rate.
I also know how scary it is to put up that profile while you’re in a relationship, even though it’s not meeting your needs. I had trouble doing it while my guy and I were broken up for a while. But I did and it helped me. I was terrified of telling him about it when we got back together, but I did and he was okay with it, after his initial few minutes of shock and surprise. He didn’t like it and that felt good to me. And I think maybe it’s been good for our relationship because now he knows that I know I have options and I feel less needy. Are you and Christopher in a long distance relationship?
I admire the courage and self love you’re showing by loving and sharing your icky feeling here. I really like that you have compassion for it and it’s helpful for me to read that. Keep practicing learning your boundaries and doing this work. You really will feel better. Believe me, if I can do it, you can do it.
Monday, 10 August 2009 @ 11:19pm
Nancy says:
I also wanted to say that I am constantly amazed at how long it takes to get Rori’s concepts to a place where I act on them naturally. I make the same mistakes over and over and over. I listen to my CDs over and over and over. I’ve been doing it for 2 years and I find that I still have to make the mistake and suffer the consequences before I get it. I thought I had the basics down when I met my guy and when he asked me to be exclusive, I completely forgot that I’d promised myself I’d say “I only want to do that in a relationship that’s moving towards marriage.” I forgot! (I’m sure that was because I didn’t feel I deserved a man who would tell me at that point in the relationship that he wanted that, too) And I just figured out tonight, over a year later, that not making sure that was there at that point has created crisis after crisis for me emotionally in our relationship. I had never experienced a man who wanted marriage on the table at that juncture so I believed there were none or that they’re extremely rare, so even if I valued myself enough to demand that then, he’d say, “See ya!” I had my list together before he asked and intended to include it. I believe Rori and was going to honor myself and “forgot”. LOL And now I’m paying the price, believe me. And I see how that’s been at work in the relationship this whole time. Working against me, that is.
While I was online dating when we were apart for a month, I got on e-harmony and would ask men in my first round of questions, experimentally, “Do you see yourself getting married in the future?” It was really interesting to see their responses. Some of them never replied. I’d laugh and think, “Good! Now I know.” Others would say it was definitely a possibility for them with the right woman. None of them said “Yes, I really want to get married.” They’re so tricky, those men.
Now I know it has to be on the table for me to feel at all comfortable and happy and able to really be myself. It’s hard enough to know someone’s looking you over and making sure all the pieces are there for them knowing it’s on the table. Way worse when you’re worried you could be risking in what could be a dead end situation because the possibility just isn’t even there.
Do I get the prize for “most posts in a day”?
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 12:33am
Tracy says:
Nancy,
Wow….I can totally relate to your experience….I have always wanted an exclusive relationship that will eventually lead to marriage..not right away though….I feel that i need time to connect and learn to be with someone intimately….For me the difficult part is my fears for intimacy and a lack of faith in myself…..I also didn’t feel like i deserved an exclusive relationship with anyone…..
I started online dating and circular dating has been fun and i am learning so much from different men….I feel that..i am become more authentic and i can actually feel myself getting better and better….
I noticed though that when i feel attracted to a guy i am online with and they don’t respond for a while…i feel withdrawn from the whole dating thing and i want to stay offline from everyone else…i feel that maybe he’s avoiding me and i feel so insecure remaining online…
does anyone else feel the same?
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 12:58am
Bethany says:
Nancy,
Yes, it’s long-distance, with no solid commitment. I mentioned maybe moving to Minneapolis (where he’s probably going) after my contract job ends, and I said “I wouldn’t want you to think I was just moving there because of you…” and he said “Oh! Of course not, I mean, I think you should go where your career takes you, but…” So, no discussion of US moving forward…he has said “I love you” twice…I live in the middle of South Dakota, and I wanted to go to Minneapolis or Chicago where there would possibly be more opportunities for me; I can’t afford to move right now, maybe in December after I save some cash and find another job. I appreciate hearing your perspective and personal story…it feels relieving to hear about another woman who has taken the step into online dating while in a “relationship” and I TOTALLY get what you mean by saying you “forgot” and took the “Girlfriend Deal”–happened to me, too! With my match.com profile, I hope I’m going to back off on my attachment to this guy.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 10:40am
Rori Raye says:
Brava, Bethany - perhaps start with eharmony, so you won’t have to contend with being public while you get used to this…or Chemistry on Match - where they match you up…rori
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 12:02pm
Aldonza says:
@Bethany
I felt the same way when I started dating. It wasn’t unique to internet dating, just the idea of being alone with a man made me feel very exposed, vulnerable…*female*.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 12:10pm
Rori Raye says:
Wow - Bethany - scratch my other comment. Do what you’re doing. I will keep a close watch on you while you’re “out there.” You are strong enough to handle this…you will be triggered, and you will process through….this is a strong, strong trauma reaction…go slow…be gentle with yourself. If it gets too challenging… just move to Chemistry for a bit so you can feel safe….I’m so proud of you. Rori
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 12:19pm
Linda says:
Hi all, sorry it has been so many days since I have been on here. I wanted to thank you that commented on my post about faith, conviction, prayer, boundries etc.
Daria you mentioned that you once felt you were an angel sent into someones life….interesting. I dont necessarily feel like that but I am definately a good thing.
Sometimes I fee like I am being strung along, some days I dont. Since I wrote and drew my boundary.. I wrote him an email. I titled it “dancing in the rain”…his response was rude and negative and titled it “wallowing in the mud” I…. I just could not take it anymore. In spite of all my prayer and convictions, I told God I could not do this anymore, and I told God I was sorry but was walking away. I felt lost and sad . I responded… I have read what you wrote… I have no more energy, I leave you to wallow. I got another response… Thats the spirit!… He was so haughty!!!… What a hard destructive heart! I felt pity and disapointment and such anger and even relief.
Now… within 20 minutes I got another email, Wait!, I am so confused, I dont know what to do? Linda help me?
I did not respond, I let it sit… then text came. A silly comment about the weather… I did not respond…then ..”I am sorry”….. I was curious what he was sorry for…. we finally talked a few days later in person, I made him drive to me. I asked one question? What are you sorry for? After listening, I loaded him up with feeling messages and let him know what I needed what I had to have and what I would not put up with anymore…. I delivered this speech….
“I cant and wont do this anymore. I am tired of being belittled and defined by what I am not instead of what and who I am. I desire to be made a priority in a mans life and our relationship deserves our best effort. Talking and daily communication is important to me. I need that in my life… and yes I want a solid relationship and am looking for commitment and marriage someday. You wont make me feel bad for that because that is what I need and want. …..Your letter was rude and hurtful and I told God I could not do it anymore……
He said in all his baggage , he trusts me and is empty without me and knows that he needs me on multiple levels… time will tell. I have to get what I need.
We are supposed to go on a trip this weekend. We will see
Linda
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 1:21pm
Nancy says:
Bethany,
Sounds like you’re on the right track. My only other question for you is what can you do to raise your self-esteem and feelings of loving yourself in a fun way right now? In additions to dating sites, even in your small little town, what can you do that will uplift you and help you feel happy, just in yourself? Any little thing will do, any two little things will do better! You’ll be feeling better, most importantly and secondly, he’ll sense it and wonder what’s up with you!
You’re doin’ great! Nancy
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 8:11pm
Nancy says:
Hi Tracy,
Thanks for your post. I know just what you mean. When I haven’t been in a relationship for a while (and am still trudging towards finding that committed, lasting one) I feel very weak at times. Not that I believe I’m a weak person, but it’s just wearing and tearing - the process is, you know? And I go through all the peaks and valleys. I tell myself, “Well, I guess you just have to suffer the slings and arrows of finding love” and remind myself that WE ALL go through that… women and men alike. And that helps me to move forward and upward.
If I could give you any piece of advice, it would be this: don’t take what happens in the “virtual” phase of online dating personally! It doesn’t mean A THING about you! Who knows what’s going on with the guy who contacts you? He could be a married guy just looking to chat with a nice woman besides his wife. I’ve had that happen. Be good to yourself. Protect yourself. Keep it all short and sweet and therefore un-needy and make it so he has to come and meet you before you’ll give him the time of day. You’re not looking for an online relationship. You’re using the internet to meet men and find men who are interested enough to call and call again and make a date and make another and another. Otherwise, they’re not worth your time. You don’t need a virtual man. You need a man or men in “real time”.
Nancy
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 8:47pm
Bethany says:
Rori, thank you very much…I did go to Chemistry, and want to do eHarmony too…it feels much more my speed right now…
Nancy, thank you for reminding me of that part, the making myself feel better outside…I am hoping to get into this old-fashioned dance club in town where you go and dance with senior citizens at the VFW to big band music…it’s very sweet and I hope they let me join even though I don’t know how to fox trot or anything like that…my mom is also going to help me out with meeting a personal trainer a few times to get on a better exercise routine…and I’m drawing and writing and planning a blog…
Aldonza: it really helps to hear that other women have the same feelings, so thanks for sharing…
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 9:37pm
Bethany says:
I have this boundary, that I don’t call a man (or anyone) back if they don’t leave a message…it drives me bananas when people don’t leave messages and expect me to call them back just because I can see their name on my phone. I don’t always do well with this with Christopher, but tonight I missed his call and he didn’t leave a message and…I didn’t cave and call him! I feel weird and guilty but it feels exhausting to be like “should I call, shouldn’t I call…” so I really want that defined, that if you don’t care enough for a call back that you won’t leave a message and request one, I’m not calling you back…really triggers my disapproval fears…
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 9:40pm
Fernando says:
Just to let you guys know, I use okcupid.com, and it’s SUPER low key. Some people go on just for the quizzes and stuff, but people also go on to find romance. It’s also free, which is nice for people just starting out with this fancy-schmancy online dating stuff.
I prefer meeting girls over a candle-lit conversation at a hole-in-the-wall bar, but barring that, okcupid’s served me well.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009 @ 9:50pm
Nancy says:
Bethany,
I like your boundary about not calling back if he doesn’t leave a message. I wonder if communicating it to him as a feeling message would let him know, so he can act accordingly if he chooses to. I read a post (I think it was Fernando’s?) here recently that explained for me that men see it as redundant to leave a message unless they just have some info to leave you, or something that can be taken care of just by leaving a message. They view it as an unnecessary step, thinking they’ve let you know they want to talk to you just by calling and knowing you’ll see that they called. I think I have that right, anyway. It helped me a lot to read that and take it in. So, if it’s important to you, you might want to let him know if you haven’t already.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 12:23pm
Robin says:
Fernando, thank you for the heads-up on okcupid.com
So what do you guys think about a guy in your rotation that doesnt have a car? This came up w a gu who wants to take me out, but since he doesnt have a car, he asked me if I would be comfortable giving him a ride home if we go out late, b/c the buses will not be running.
I told him I didnt feel comfortable with that, so we are gonna plan to meet in the middle of the day, but b/c Im the one with the car, he asked me to come up w a place and he would find the bus route…
Just curious about what your thoughts are on this…
Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 10:15pm
Aldonza says:
@Robin
On the car thing. It would depend on why he doesn’t have a car. In urban areas it isn’t uncommon, nor is it any kind of stigma to choose to be carless. I might consider driving *if* it enabled us to do something that I’d prefer to do. But if it isn’t a choice (finances/OUI), then I would *absolutely* not go out of my way to drive him around. It sets up a bad dynamic of over-functioning from the start.
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 5:29am
Aldonza says:
@Bethany
I would be careful about your boundary of not calling back if someone doesn’t leave a message. You need to communicate that boundary for it to be effective. Perhaps put it in your voicemail message?
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 5:30am
Bethany says:
Fernando–thanks for the heads up. Nancy and Aldonza: you are right, I should say that…I haven’t. I feel all clammed up. I went on Chemistry and there is ONE guy in my town. ONE. I am shelled. I feel like Rapunzel locked in her tower, except no one knows she’s there and she’s bald so she couldn’t assist anyone in getting to her anyway. I’m not bald, I just feel completely hapless at this shit. I am terrible at communicating boundaries, terrible at flirting, even terrible at looking people in the eye. I suck, suck, suck at circular dating. I feel like throwing my hands up and accustoming myself to being an old maid. OR maybe I should just get really fat and get together with my gross, fat guy friend who won’t leave me alone and makes comments about my butt and my chest. I had dinner with him and his friends last night, they’re all attorneys so I call them The Lawyers. The Lawyers are huge Republicans and very conservative, and, I’m not. I don’t mind that they are conservative but they started talking about how death threats against Obama are up 400% and so his security is the tightest in history, and one of them said “yeah, that’s the problem…” WTF???!!! I felt so shocked that someone would joke about that. And THEN they started in on health care and government assistance and ONE OF THEM GOT FIRED three months ago and has been collecting unemployment ever since!! The audacity! I felt sick and I feel even more alone, I can’t associate with people who make me feel ill like that. Christopher got a teaching job one hour even further away, and I was “oh yeah, that’s great!” and he wants me to come to visit this weekend and I feel torn, I just feel exhausted from giving so much and completely unmotivated to drive that far. I have to be honest and tell him that. I have to write it out.
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:39am
Bethany says:
How the hell are you supposed to circular date when there aren’t any men who you can interact with? I feel panicked, I feel my body getting really hot…I feel like I’m in a furnace, I love my horrible, panicked feeling. I feel like I’m screwing everything up with Christopher and I’m clamming up and pushing him away and it feels so hard to know what I want to say to him. I feel all tight and constricted and I feel just….heartbroken. I feel confused. I feel like everything is just so confusing and difficult. I feel hopeless. I feel small and lonely and stuck. I feel despairing and alone and abandoned. I feel guilty and like….have to go back to work…
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:59am
Daria says:
Bethany I totally relate on feeling furious and disconnected from people on stuff that feels important socially like healthcare and stuff…
i feel so furious and alone and underdog like in my opinions about the way i want the world to be
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 1:43pm
Erika says:
Bethany,
This is why I don’t support moving forward without resolving the guilt.
Guilt pushes opportunities away from us. If we feel guilty about what we’re doing (because we’re not being honest — guilt comes from hiding parts of ourselves) … then we “manifest” things like only one guy on Chemistry.
This can then lead to an emotional downward spiral where we take the manifesting scarce results as yet more evidence that our situation is hopeless, so we feel worse, and then we manifest more bad stuff.
This is why I want to address the guilt with EFT and radical honesty BEFORE you go on line to date.
Does that resonate at all?
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 5:27pm
Bethany says:
Wow. Erika.
I had “The Conversation” tonight with Christopher, on the phone.
Basically, he said he was bummed because he is moving farther away to teach college this semester. He said his band is really important and that it’s his priority. I asked, “what do you see for us?” and he said, “…I don’t know.” I said, “that’s fine, I respect that…and I love that you have your music career all planned out…but I am starting to feel like the girlfriend who waits, and I don’t want to be the girl who waits…” then I said “it’s okay that you’re unsure, but I need to take care of myself, and you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re figuring it out (stole your line, Rori).” He was pretty floored but ultimately agreed with me…I don’t know how I feel. I feel relieved, and also a little sad, and scared, and apprehensive of what’s ahead of me, and also lonely…I don’t know. But Erika, I don’t think I could have had that conversation the way I did–totally calm, in my feelings, present–if I hadn’t done the EFT with you tonight. I’m serious. Power speech off the top of my head? Me? I don’t think so.
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 9:50pm
Bethany says:
So I don’t know…I was going to have the conversation about exclusivity with him AFTER I had really gotten started with circular dating, but it just happened, naturally…umm…I don’t know…I feel weird…
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 9:52pm
Nancy says:
heartbeat,
I wanted to thank you again for your reply to my posts. Reading your words really gave me what I needed to hold onto while I was in that in between place not knowing what would happen. Thank you for caring.
Nancy
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 9:58pm
heartbeat says:
Nancy thank you - and I’m still here believing in you!
I reached a place where I ‘got’ that my man, whatever difficulties he may have experienced, was still capable of stepping up, just as I was capable of having a good life with or without him. And that last bit meant I relaxed, expressed feelings in the moment more frequently, and worried a whole lot less over anything he said or did or was. I started to notice and appreciate many things I’d overlooked about him.
It’s like I was more myself, but in less of a hurry for him to meet my needs. What a difference! And what a difference in HIM - he’s not a man who expresses his love in obvious ways, but I can FEEL his love now, I feel connected to him. I feel trust and realness.
Something Erika wrote also resonated with me, and relates to the story of the wife who said ‘I don’t buy it’ - which was something like not taking what men say too literally - and I’d add ‘never take what a man says personally’ - because when I met my man he was saying he was bad at relationships, had been burned before etc. At the time I was in a burned place too and started circular dating, so just thought we’d have something casual. Well, nearly two years later and we are together in some form every day, I feel confident and loving. There have been times I’ve fallen into analysing his words or hanging on to discussions too long, or felt over-invested in any outcome other than expressing my heart. He is a great man, and I love him to bits <3 <3
Nancy keep on holding on to yourself, you sound fabulous, you ARE fabulous!
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:12pm
heartbeat says:
I’m in a place in my life where having more kids, getting married etc is not a priority, so my version of circular dating is going out and doing stuff - lots of stuff! - I really love. I still flirt and practice the Rori tools - in fact ‘practice’ doesn’t feel quite right - I do it naturally now, though I’m aware of remembering and noticing. It’s my ;new normal’.
I make my girlfriends and family a priority. I have a couple of close friends who are in their 60s and one of them is circular dating and whipping up a storm
She swore off relationships for years but for her, now she’d like to have a deep intimate relationship later in life.
My learning lies in developing closeness and intimacy - in a previous existance I’d have run for the hills and moved from one messy anger to another. So for me, NOT having other men around is helping me develop the closeness and connection I really want. I do know I have options, though.
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:26pm
Simply Shannon says:
Bethany: I just commented on the other post, but I had to say I feel so PROUD reading what you said to C. I know you are feeling weird, but OMG, you did it girl. I feel so PROUD!!! If C isn’t going to step up, then you are free to have the life and love that you want (as scary as that may feel at the moment). And if he steps up, well…then you have the life and love you want. It’s win-win. You and I are going to be the strong on the inside, soft on the outside sisters here. Like a pact or something. I just had the same conversation with A, and my gosh, I have never felt so powerful and in control of my own destiny in my life. (Ok, terrified yes, but mostly powerful.) I will post more tomorrow but I just had to scream at the top of my lungs - I FEEL SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Go Bethany, it’s your birthday, go Bethany, it’s your birthday. I’m doing the happy dance. I hope you can feel your power tonight. For me, I feel scared and elated all at the same time but in charge of my own life.
Okay, I’ll write more tomorrow. Way past my bedtime.
Rori: I so wish I could afford to buy all of your stuff if for no other reason than to fund your cause to make sure that every woman hears your message. I think I might start a campaign to get you on Oprah. Where the hell have you been all my life???
Anyone else willing to help me get Rori on Oprah?
Thursday, 13 August 2009 @ 11:46pm
Erika says:
Bethany,
I am SO thrilled to hear that the EFT helped. Our session felt really powerful, and you sounded so much more powerful at the end.
That power, the ability to speak our truth, is our birthright. It got stripped away from us by clueless parents or whatever other unfortunate early experiences we may have had, but now with EFT we can have it back. And then suddenly doing Rori’s tools becomes so much EASIER. That’s my goal, to remove the struggle and make all of this feel natural and effortless.
SS, it’s funny you mentioned Oprah because I’ve set myself the intention of being on Oprah as a way to stay really motivated. I had even mentioned it in one of my blog comments last night, a retort to a commentator who said he was “mocking” me as a “PUA groupie.” I told him to save his ammunition for when I’m on Oprah. Lol, I feel amused.
xoxo,
Erika
Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 7:38am
Erika says:
Oh, and of course I support Rori being on Oprah too
Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 7:39am
Rori Raye says:
Wow - Bethany - and we’re off! this is the greatest start into a really authentic, powerful, fun, fabulous life…Love,Rori
Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 10:20am
Bethany says:
Shannon: thank you so much! Yes, a pact…working on soft on the outside, strong on the inside…and GOOD FOR YOU for speaking to A!!! I haven’t had time to check the other posts, maybe you said something about how it all went down, but you obviously did great! I feel so impressed with your circular dating prowess, and I hope to learn from your example. Big hugs.
Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 12:15am
Simply Shannon says:
Bethany: I haven’t written about the A situation yet. (hopefully tomorrow). I just got home from a date with a different guy. Ok, serious conflict. Well, not really, but I just made out with an amazing man. Wow. I felt so good and so at ease. I really paid attention to how my body was feeling and holy cow I felt incredibly turned on. Problem: Every time I was kissing him, all I could think about was A. Ugh. Back to square one. This guy is super-fantabulous but all I could think about was A. This guy was all about leaning forward (in a good way) but A was literally all I could imagine. Felt like I was betraying him. What a damn joke I am. Serious negative thinking right now. Hoping to sleep this one away. Grrrr.
Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 1:42am
Daria says:
AWWW Shannon! ?Hugs!
Be easy on yourself… this happened to me before too to think of another guy.. you are working on an important trigger that will make your life better in the future with ANY guy!
Great job meeting a great guy and tuning in to your feelings! you did great if the triggers were coming up this way
Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 9:29am
Simply Shannon says:
Thank you Daria! I felt awful that I was kissing this guy and having visions of A. I mean, it felt GOOD to kiss him. He was a great kisser. Totally in charge kind of guy. Just enough to really turn me on without being aggressive. Tall (6′4″), good looking, responsible, hilarious. We really hit it off. So how is that a trigger? I guess I feel confused. What does that mean?
As a side note, A texted me last night asking me what was I doing. I said I was out and for him to have a fun night. A big part of me was happy for him to know I was out. He’s camping out at his hunt club with his buddies, and I envisioned him having nothing to do that night but wonder what *I* was doing. Serves him right for daring to step out on me. I feel evil but that’s definitely what I was thinking.
Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 9:56am
DocK says:
What!?!?! Rori HAS NOT been on Oprah already? That’s just crazy!!! Definitely time.
Saturday, 15 August 2009 @ 1:44pm
Cassandra says:
Rori….I love this post and it felt like I was hit right in the core of my heart. It feels so great to come here to what I refer to as my ’safe place’ and learn about where I am missing the mark. I can’t blame Charles for anything other than simply being himself…it is ME who has been treating myself badly as Bethany says.
On that note….Bethany….Your posts made me cry and i felt like I wanted to hug you so tight. I am sooooooooo on that same page with you. How on earth did we get here? where we allow men to abuse us the way that that do and have in the past? I don’t want to do this anymore and I feel hopeful that I am indeed at the END of that part of my personal journey. I don’t want to allow any man to hurt me or make me feel small or insignificant anymore. I have indeed benn using them to beat myself over the head as you said and I don’t want to go down that road anymore.
Some interesting things have been happening since I secured my new apartment…..I will be moving on October 1st. Charles and I had a very long talk last Sunday where I told him that I feel that his deception and abuse destroyed our relationship and that I feel that our friendship is also destroyed. When I told him this he was laying in bed and I was sitting on the bed next to him and when I said that I felt that he had also destroyed our friendship - he sat up as though the house was on fire. I told him that he would never say the things that he has said to me to his other friends - of course they are all guys - but that is not the point. I told him that I felt so deeply hurt by all of the horrible things that he has said to me over this past year and a half and he apologized for all that he has done and said. I do feel that he was being as sincere as he is capable of being but he also asked me if we could start completely over from that very moment. I was so deeply proud of myself Sirens…..I told him NO….that starting over did not feel good to me because I forgave him for all of those things right after he did them but I can’t forget them and I told him that his word means nothing to me……I told him that I felt that he would need to SHOW me with his actions that he wants me in his life as a friend and that it did not feel good to me to ‘try to forget’ the past because it feels so real and painful to me. I was stunned as what he did next…..he took me in his arms and ran his fingers through my hair and told me that he is totally committed to showing me that I am important to him and that he does NOT want to lose me in his life. I was so surprised by his reaction. Ever since that conversation he has been different….more like the man that I fell in love with. I can feel myself standing up for myself more and more and feeling truly detached from the outcome of any discussion that we have….feeling really good about standing up for ME.
For example the other day he was making homemade chicken stew and as he was cooking I kind of got into my ‘dark feelings’ and I had asked him a question….he has not had a lot of work lately so he has been really stressed out….after I asked him the question that I asked him he initially bit my head off in his routine response to me so I walked out of the room and said nothing. When I came back into the kitchen I calmly told him that I felt hurt by his response and felt horrible and that I felt that I did not deserve that kind of sharp response……he then STOPPED what he was doing - he has NEVER Done that for me…to address my feelings - and took my face in his hands and told me that he was sorry that he snapped at me….he said that we WILL talk about my question but that right now was not the right time because he could not focus on that right now as he was stressed. I felt so happy in that moment because I could totally deal with that…..we didn’t have to talk about right then but the fact that he stopped what he was doing to address me and my feelings and then even made it a point to let me know that we WILL address it was HUGE for me. I felt so great about his reaction to me standing up for myself….and even greater about me actually standing up for myself.
Even last night he had gone out with his nephew and they got back home realy really late….I said nothing except for good night when they got home. When he came to bed he asked me to come come close to him and he leaned over and kissed me good night and held me for a minute. He has NOT done that in over a year and has always fussed at me when I wanted a good night kiss or any kind of kiss at all for that matter. I told him that it felt wonderful to have HIM give ME a goodnight kiss and that I felt happy….then I thanked him for my good night kiss. He then responded with “thank YOU for being here when i get home”. I felt stunned by his response….l felt hapy to hear him say that but stunned at the same time.
It feels so foreign to me now to hear these great things coming from him and it feels awkward. I feel sad that I feel that way but I do. I want to feel happy about that and I keep wondering - I know….that puts me back in my head - WHY is he acting like this now? Why now….. when I am leaving in less than a month. Part of me….a BIG part of me still deeply wants him to want me after I move….to want me to come back home and for us to be together. I know that won’t happen but I am trying so hard to lean back and not ask him questions about much of anything but to just focus on ME and what I Want to do at any given moment. I do still feel love for him and I do still feel that I would love for things to be ok with us even to the point of once I move…I still want him to come to me and tell me what a mistake he made by letting me go and ask me to please give ‘us’ another try but I know that won’t happen nor would that be good for me. It feels scary to me now to have him reacting in such wonderful ways and to be responing so positively to how I am standing up for ME and doing my own thing.
He has told me that I am his very best friend other than his brother and that he would be devastated to lose me in his life completely. I don’t feel all that confident that we can be friends and I am not talking about FWB….we have not been pnysical in over a year so that is not part of it at all….but I don’t want him as a friend….I don’t need a male friend that I am still in love with…..as a matter of fact….I don’t need any more male friends at all. Once I move and get my bearings and can get a handle on how I feel about things…I want to give him a power speech to let him know that I don’t want him as a friend and let him know that I feel that true friends would never do the things that he has done to me…to one another. I want him to miss me and to want me and to want to work on what went wrong but in my HEAD I know that he is toxic to the core and can’t dance. Rori…..you said in order for things to work…..he has to be able to dance and Charles just simply can’t dance but I have seen in this past week more signs that he wants to than I ever have before. Is there still hope? I want to think that there is but am I fooling myself…again? Probably.
Saturday, 12 September 2009 @ 9:09am
Desperate Army Wife says:
Dear Rori,
Please help me! I dont know what to do. I’m so desperate in seeking for some answers and I’m not able to see right thru my situation. I’ve been married to my husband since Dec 2005, a couple of days before he left for Iraq. I’ve been in love w/ him since 2000. We never got together since then because he left for the ARMY and at that time, I was going thru a divorce w/ my cheating husband. My ex-husband got someone else pregnant. I was going thru some rough times and Mig was my supportive friend. He fell in love w/ me but I couldn’t give him what he wanted at that time. He joined the Army to forget about me.
5 yrs later, when we saw each other, we fell in love and got married. We got hitched the day before his 2nd deployment. I then became an Army wife. I was active, behind the scene supporting him while he’s in Iraq. Our plan was, he was to move here to California when he came back frm Iraq. When he came back, our plans were ruined. He stayed in Texas, while I was in California. We travelled back & forth to be w/ each. Mostly me thou, I had the money & the freedom to schedule my work days.
After a year, he was Stopped Loss and deployed again to Iraq. Again, I was the dutiful wife. He said he didn’t have food to eat, so I sent him groceries every 2 weeks.
This cost me about $120 per shipping and package.
A series of events happened when he was in Iraq. My grandma was in hospice care. It was so heart wrenching and i had to take care of everything. During the last week, my 16 yo son was arrested. On the day of the funeral, my younger brother had a massive stroke. He almost died & was on the ventilator for a month. And another month in ICU. Eventually, they kicked us out from the hospital for rehab. My own surgery to remove pre-cancerous cells was postponed another month. All these times, i was trying to get my husband home. He couldn’t bec. he said the ARMY wouldn’t let him. I couldn’t believe it. Further, he decided to re-enlist for another 4 yrs w/out informing me. I just found out thru facebook. He told everyone else except me. I was hurt and made a big fuss. He came back stayed w/ me for a month when he got back from Iraq.. Most of that time, we were doing court dates for my son the whole month. Bec. he re-enlisted, he moved from Texas to Washington. When I visited him in Washington for a week, he was aloof and standoffish. When I told him that I was going to stay w/ him for another 3 days, he told me to leave. So, I left. 2 weeks later, he sent me an ARMY ring that says I’m an Army wife. It has my name and his name on each side of the ring. The inscription says Love Always. After that, we spoke and told each other how much we loved each other. From then on, he hasn’t contacted me since mid July. On September 1, he sent me a bouquet of expensive flowers for my birthday.
I am so worried about him that I contacted the Army Family Readiness Group that I need help in checking up on my husband. They said, he admitted he has PTSD and needs help. However, his family says that i’m trying to ruin his career. How can I ruin his career? I’m concerned about his health and mentality. I wrote him a love letter and informed I’ll be here always. But, he still doesn’t get in touch w/me. He basically just dropped me without reasons. I’m so heartbroken, I don’t know what to do. Can someone help me please? I’m desperate!
Monday, 14 September 2009 @ 6:28pm
Rori Raye says:
Hi, Army Wife, So sad you are in this situation. Doesn’t the army have chaplains and people for you to talk to? And so many other wives in similar circumstances? I would certainly hope there’s someone there for you — it would be disgraceful if America left you on your own with this. If this were me, I would consider beginning divorce proceedings. Though he is serving his country, you cannot give up your own life hoping he will heal and join you. I am so amazed at your strength in getting through everything. You need a man who is home with you, and this man sounds like a career military man. Love, Rori
Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:29pm
Desperate Army Wife says:
Dear Rori,
I just found out that he voluntarily started his Psychotherapy sessions last week. I am beginning to see
another counselor which would probably help me open up my eyes. When I married him, I married him knowing the fact that he is a soldier. But, I think this whole war just changed him so much. He asked me to move to Washington with him because he is tired of being lonely and loves being married. However, circumstances prevent me from moving from California to Washington.
My son is still encarcerated in a boot camp, and my other son wants to go to Med school. I love being with my family in California. I’ve been working at my employment for 20 yrs now and is getting top pay, seniority, I don’t have to work weekends, and I only work 2-3 days a week. So, I married him because he promised he was going to move here with me. Instead he re-enlisted. The ARMY promised him that they would put him thru school as Xray-tech but he kept getting deployed to Iraq. Thus, his education was on hold.
He feels that he will be incompetent as a husband if
he gets out now without the proper education. He is 43 yrs old. He won’t make it in California as a medic. I make a ton of money and for me to provide for him is beneath him, for he is a proud man and a great soldier. I don’t mind that he is a career soldier for I would benefit at the end also. He’s been in the Army for over 10 yrs. Basically, I’ve been on my own since my divorce ten years ago. I’m used to it. I like the fact that I could make decisions on my own financially and probably can carry it over for him also. I’d probably get irritated if he’s with me all the time because I have to follow him around. When he’s with me, everything has to go his way. I have to follow him around as an Army wife. I have to follow him to spend time with his parents when I have tons of other things to do. He does for me too because that’s the right thing to do.
I think the biggest problem is that I am so independent that he gets frustrated with me. I was so upset about him re-enlisting that I started to question all his intentions. But, I know the reason why he re-enlisted. I just wished that he would’ve discussed it with me. He re-enlisted bec. as soon as he was getting back home to USA from Iraq,, they were already planning to deploy all the soldiers to Afghanistan. He didn’t want to go back there for it’s dangerous. He lost 16 men in Iraq and a lot of them were his good friends. I kept pushing him and pushing, blaming him for re-enlisting. I was hating him because he wasn’t there for me when these things were happening. He couldn’t. I went into deep depression when he re-enlisted. That was the last straw.
When he re-enlisted to Washington, they had promised him that he won’t be deployed again. (I think the ARMY is lying. They always do for did this to him before.)
It would be so very easy to divorce him. I have every reason to get rid of him. But, all I want to do for myself is to give it a try and make sure that I did everything I could do to save our marriage. I am not in a rush to get into another relationship or get married. I don’t really need him financially. I have 5 houses.
But, when he’s with me, we have the grandest time. We sang the whole GREASE album by ourselves on a long drive. We always joke around. We share things. He loved just watching me and I feel loved. He would do things for me unnecessarily. He would always send me flowers.
He has no problems in kissing me in front of his parents. i would always have to pry myself apart from him. I know he loves me, but when I was going through the darkest moments, he felt very helpless. He couldn’t be there to help me… he felt helpless. And I kept feeding that helplessness…. He felt helpless as much as he felt helpless when he couldn’t help his fellow soldiers dying in front of him… I am hoping that the Psychotherapy will help him. If we do stay together, I am willing to travel to and from work every week or every other week. Flights are only $200 and it will be tax deductible because of my commute to work.
I think he loves me so much that he is willing to let me go because he wants me to be happier. I kept telling him that it’s not his responsibility to make me happy.
So, I pushed him away more for saying that. I kept blaming him for everything and not taking responsibilities of my own actions too in driving him away.
Now, it’s too late. He won’t even talk to me anymore, and won’t answer my e-mails. I spoke with Bob Grant, who informed me that if I were in his position, just go over to Washington and don’t leave until I get to the bottom of this. So, I’m thinking that I should ask the Army to provide a counselor or a mediator when I fly over there. I am sick to my stomach of being worried of what he has to say to me when I confront him. What do you think? Should I just go over there and confront him or should I ask for a counselor to mediate our first meeting together? I haven’t heard from him for a month and a half. I think I made a mistake by writing him a letter stating that I will be here when he’s ready for me.
He admitted to the FRG that he has PTSD, so that’s why he’s into psychotherapy. I don’t know but I’m just so confused right now. All I really want to do is to see him personally to have a conversation when my heart is strong enough. I just know how to go about it. I don’t want to wait for him to make the first move or should I?
He’s not my boyfriend, he’s my husband… I married him for better or for worse.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:16am
Desperate Army Wife says:
I meant, I don’t know how to go about in confronting him. I was also told by Bob that I should talk in a low but authoritative voice and let him know that this is serious business. I’m also thinking that maybe I should ask the ARMY to provide me the name of the counselor so I can make arrangements to do couples’ counseling.
It’s not a problem for me to fly over there. I don’t know what to think anymore. I really just don’t want to just give up. It’s so easy to just give up,… I just don’t want to have any ..”what if I did this? and that?” before finalizing it as a divorce without trying. Isn’t that what marriage is about?…trying?
Wednesday, 23 September 2009 @ 5:28am
Lisa says:
Hello, my boyfriend and I ages 30 and 34 began to date in September of last year and we became officially exclusive in December. Over the past year, we worked up to seeing each other 6 days a week and it is always a sleep over (that is some major time spending). He told me he knew he wanted to be with me from the beginning and he doesn’t get “sick” of me (the way he gets sick of other people… including his friends). He has also used the phrases “in it to win it”, and told me “you are the only one I want to be with”, and he talks about doing things together in the future, for example watching the fireworks “next forth of July” and spending our next birthday together. However, these verbal exchanges seem to only be stated as hints and not stated with serious intent. It almost seems like he might be testing the water or might not actually understand the impact of these statements.
We spend 6 days a week together…we are very informal now…we cook, watch movies, chill…But where is this going? He FINALLY told me he loves me this May…He makes comments about hanging out in the future…But doesn’t talk concretely about marriage, moving in… . A few times he brought up marriage and children in a light hearted manner and he asked me questions about my thoughts on the topic but didn’t ask in terms of us as a couple. In fact, he used a hypothetical relationship to base his questions on. For example… “if you were in an ideal relationship would you get married?”, “what is your ideal boyfriend”, would you want to have children?”. Then, he further stated, ” I think you would make a good wife…do you think I would make a good husband?
Being sick of the uncertainty, I decided to just ask him about his “intent” the “direction” of the relationship. He told me that he does want to be with me now and in the future and he doesn’t want anyone else. Unfortunately, during our time together he hasn’t been planning for those goals in any concrete way. Therefore, we decided that we would take a month to work on things and get a plan in order. In addition, to be certain he understood my requirements for the plan I asked him to come up with one that could be tweaked over the course of a month. He stated that he would like to move in together in a couple months, get engaged in a year, and married in 6mo to a year after the engagement. I told him that this offer wasn’t the ideal situation for me but I would like to talk about it more. We plan on working on this but have not started to yet.
My question is…Is this good enough? Is this a good offer?
Monday, 5 October 2009 @ 1:11pm
Rori Raye says:
Lisa - you know where I stand. I stand for NO exclusivity - and CERTAINLY NOT living together until at least you’ve got a ring on your finger and a wedding date. Otherwise, the pressure is intense. You must continue to Circular Date by at least flirting with and talking to other men and learning more about yourself and keeping yourself sane…you might counter by making the living together and the engagement closer together…and let him know that he has all the time in the world to make a decision about you…but that you’d feel better being independent until he does…
On the other hand, if you can be super cool, super free spirit, super rock star…you can make ANYTHING work! I just don’t want you to HAVE to. Love, Rori
Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 2:20pm
Mercedes says:
Rori: That was excellent advice….I love it!!
Lisa: I hope you listen to her. If you want to get married, then this compromising and moving in together with a verbal plan is going to be a trap. What will you do in a year when he doesn’t propose (because we women will write the date on our calendars and the men…well…they’ll be much looser about what that “year from now means”…which means we women are crushed and the men don’t know why…etc, etc, etc)….what will you do then? Initiate a conversation to remind him he was going to propose to you? That won’t work. I can’t think of anything that will. Proposals must come from the men…not us ladies and it hurts when we think its going to happen and it doesn’t.
Anyway…my point is I love what Rori said:
“let him know that he has all the time in the world to make a decision about you…but that you’d feel better being independent until he does…”
That is beautifully stated.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Wednesday, 7 October 2009 @ 2:29pm
Lisa says:
funny. my boyfriend broke up with me last night because his friends are more important to him than me. And he feels he has to choose between us and he cant live the rest of his life like that. this came out of nowhere.
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 11:18am
Mercedes says:
Lisa: My ex-husband’s friends meant more to him than I did. It hurt so much and I am so sorry. I do know now that I never want to be in that place again and wouldn’t be with a man who couldn’t/wouldn’t make me a top priority.
I’m so sorry…
Much Love,
Mercedes
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 11:50am
Lisa says:
oh lord. he just called and told me that he needs time to think and that he wants to hang out sunday and talk. He also told me we are not broke up. This is becoming a good comedy sketch!
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 12:21pm
Mercedes says:
Lisa: I hope you circular date! There is absolutely NOTHING more fun than circular dating while a guy tries to figure out what he wants! LOL
Much Love,
Mercedes
Friday, 9 October 2009 @ 12:26pm
Jen says:
What does it mean when the man I have been dating says, “you are so beautiful inside and out, but I just feel like i have walls up and can not love you as much as I feel you love me” ? He seems so interested, very giving and just when we seem to get close he backs away. I am so hurt by this behavior.
Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 5:56pm
Rori Raye says:
Welcome Jen, and thank you for your wonderful question. Though I would guess that you’re having difficulty just leaning back and letting him lead…and therefore contributing to him backing away…this is the BOTTOM LINE: A man who actually SAYS he cannot love you the way you love him is bad news. He’s telling you the truth. He’s not confused, not afraid…he just isn’t feeling it the way he feels YOU feeling it, and it makes him want you even LESS! And you can’t PRETEND to NOT feel it for him…so you’re caught in a vicious grip. Best way to deal here is ALWAYS Circular Dating so that you see this man as just ONE man among many…so you really ARE hard to get –not just “playing” it. So your feelings are just part of your normal ABILITY to FEEL …and not concentrated and focused on him. Love, Rori
Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 7:44pm
patricia carney says:
hello rori well it is been a week now since my and the exs breakup and I have not rang him once since we had that serious talk a few weeks ago last saturday one week ago it is been a week and a half since we had that talk and it is been really great for me to move on from my past I still miss him terribly loads it is been a couple of weeks now since we had been seeing each other and I feel really great about myself we had met a few times recently in limerick that was last summer a few summers ago and we had been brifely texting each other more than a week ago it had been a rough few weeks for me I am just getting my head around everything that happened recently the secret wedding and the honeymoon seven days ago he really hurt me a lot but despite our breakup we had a great three short year relationship all the same I just hope things will be ok with us now since we are still friends I hope he feels the same about me I have not been talking to him since the breakup happened despite that secret engagement proposal god I miss him already I really want him back now what will I do to get him back it is been a long rough week for me I really need to repair the damage I caused him and his wife and fix it by him and her trusting me again and I want him to do the same please help me I am really struggling with this breakup I just us to be friends again so much and start all over again fresh and new I am really desprate here to repair my friendship with both of them help me I will kindly appreciate it thanks
Sunday, 18 October 2009 @ 7:27am
Jo says:
Dear Rori,
I am in a long distance “relationship” (or am I??) And thinking it might be time to write him off.
Last summer I went to US for a work conference. The day I landed I decided that’s the city I’d love to live (I’ve been in UK for 6 years and wanted to try it somewhere else). During a conference I met a guy, he gave me his phone number and said he can show me the bars (as I stayed for extra 4 days to explore the city). 2 days later he found my email in the corporate directory and emailed me - hey you never got in touch, let’s meet up.
We went out all 4 nights, he was lovely, easy to speak to, but not my type. He wanted to sleep with me, but I said - no. Upon my return to UK I sent him an email thanking for a great time. He then started writing to me, chatting and a week later invited to go to Hawaii with him. After long considerations I agreed. Our trip was 6 months later, so we “used” the time to get to know each other. Due to 8 hours time difference we’d speak 2-3 times a day - my morning, his evening. Soon I became needy, focused solely on him, more unhappy than I was before as I needed constant confirmation he likes me. He also has a bad habit - he likes to drink, that used to make me very upset especially that he’d be going out a lot (I was sure he’ll be more interested in meeting other women when drinking than me).
Then the trip time came - and we had 2 wonderful weeks apart from 2 days when I cried and cried, because he got drunk. I showed other insecurities as well. When I was leaving - he shed a tear. The day I came back home I was terribly depressed. When he called me my evening I asked him is there anything more between us than just a holiday romance. He said there is, but we are so far apart, that he doesn’t know. I said to him that if one really wants - the distance can be resolved. He didn’t say anything. We continued talking on the phone everyday and after a few months I couldn’t bear it anymore, so I made up a couple of reasons for the trip and invited myself.
He said he’ll be busy, but I can stay at his. I went for 10days and had yet again fantastic time. The day I was leaving I said to him “I lied to you, I actually came here for you”. Mistake! I know, but I was soooo insecure, I thought if I say it this way - it doesn’t require a straight answer from him (do you want to be with me) and hence I won’t feel rejected. When I came back home that week he “didn’t have time” for me anymore. By the weekend I felt so bad I emailed him asking what’s going on. He said we need to talk. He called and said he didn’t appreciate me lying to him, when he specifically told me he’s going to be busy. I said the truth: I said that I liked him and was scared of being rejected. He said he’d normally terminate “the communication”, but he said he doesn’t want to finish with me. He said he can’t read me and needs more face to face communication. Later I offered him to come and visit me, I said I’d pay for the half of the ticket (what’s wrong with me???) And he declined. Meanwhile he was still calling me every day as if nothing has happened. However I could feel it’s not enough for me. I was very insecure, opened all my low self esteem problems and insecurities to him and actually fell into depression until one day he told me I need some professional help. He still calls me, but past 2 months I feel the growing distance.
I’ve been desperately seeking to find a job in the city he lives (for new experience) and if I had someone there - would be a bonus. I’m much better now, I would still love to go the that city and I know he’s not the only man there! However I don’t know if my plan works out and if it does – when this is going to happen. I’m not closed to meeting other men, but I’m so focused to get a job out there I am not really meeting anyone (although I’m going out every weekend).
Now with “my man” - shall I write him off? I stopped calling him or emailing him completely, he still calls me almost every day (he wakes me up to work in a morning) and every Saturday/Sunday when he wakes up. I stopped obsessing about him, as I never wanted to be the girl chasing the guy. I’m focused on work, I managed to find a work related contact in his city (I’m very proud of it, but there’s only 10% chance I could get a visa to go and work there). I’m 32 and I want a stable relationship/marriage. Is there anything worth saving in my current situation? Am I leaning back by not getting in touch with him? Doesn’t that mean that I only respond to him when he calls/emails me other than that no contact from my side? But then I feel it looks like “I’m not interested in him”? Shall I just let it go?
Thank you so much in advance.
Best wishes,
Jo
Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 2:18pm
Rori Raye says:
Jo, Welcome, and you likely know what my answer will be: You sound utterly desperate. This is way too hard. You should not have to work this hard, and you know that, and it’s making you feel worse. Also - he drinks, for heaven’s sake. Please, please get some professional help, start working with my programs and Tools, and heal yourself. Then…everything will fall into place for you. This man will not save your life - YOU will save your life. Love, Rori
Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 10:22pm
Angela says:
hey, wat do i do when my boyfriend of 5 months, has gone to mackay to work, he says he will b back in 2 wks, then it turns into 8 wks and then he tells me another 8 wks. he says he wouldnt cheat on me but he never calls me, so i ring him and he answers and says can i call u back later and he never does, so i call back 30 mins later and his phone is turned off, so i send him a message askin y he didnt call back and he says he’s working 12 hour shifts with no break, so i dont make a fuss over it, so i say ok.
And then i send him a txt a week and a half later and he send back a really apologetic message saying he loves heaps and everything and then is fine for like a month.
and then i try and call him and i try and call him a week later and never answer the answer his phone and sometimes he hangs up me then turns his phone off. and doesnt text back at all. and he is telling me anything? so i dont what is going on.
everytime his excuse is he’s workin and cant use his phone, but he would have at least 5 mins free to text me, u would think. but he only texts back when i am really annoyed at him.
but a month and a half before, he gave me his mothers old engagement ring, and my friends say that’s a big thing for a guy to do, but i get the feeling it doesnt mean much to him, and then 2 weeks before he left to go to mackay he told he was going to propose to get engaged to me but i wouldnt know when. and now he’s not talking to me at all whenever i send him a message he turns his phone off so i thought i would ask him mother when he will be back and she said he’ll be back by christmas. which is ages away.
I’ve asked some mates for advice and they say he’s cheating on me and then some other mates say that he is faithful, but i keep getting the feeling something is not right!
What do u think is happening?
Or wat do u suggest i do?
cause i really love this guy and i dont want to lose him.
Sunday, 1 November 2009 @ 3:57am
Rori Raye says:
Angela, Welcome, and you’re not going to like this…tough love again. This man is not doing any kind of good boyfriend or fiancee job. I’d either keep the ring as a gift or return it, but tell him clearly that this isn’t working for you as an exclusive relationship, and that you will be dating other men until it becomes clear that he wants to marry you and can give you the kind of attention and contact you need to stay with him while he’s away. DATE OTHER MEN….that is always the cure for this…and do not do it until you are completely straight with this man. Love, Rori
Monday, 2 November 2009 @ 2:55pm