Have The Relationship You Want

1,477 Comments to “It Doesn’t MATTER What You Said – You Did FINE!”

1. 1: Sha-sha says:

   I’m so happy my man got us a new puppy as a new years gift! Neither one of us want childern were more animal ppl! I felt so excited and so happy to meet are new baby girl Mia. He suprised me pretty good with the puppy. Are relationship is going so good I love him so much he is that man that gives u butterflies in ur belly all the time…I see a really amazing future with this man. Then yesterday I played the lottery and won hahaa so crazy everything is so good in life right now!!! I have n complaints in life or my love life… Rori I love ur emails and program its amazing. U help lots of women and I think that’s awesome

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:32am

2. 2: Mercedes says:

   This advice is spot on perfect from my view! LOVE it!!

   Much Love,
   Mercedes

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:38am

3. 3: Indigo says:

   FW (from previous thread)

   Thank you. My practice for now is forgetting about him and becoming the kind of gentle, strong, feminine woman that I want to be. Not obsessing about him is a moment-to-moment practice for me at the moment, yet I feel I can get there. And I want to *fill* my life with other things that I love.

   Curvy Siren

   Yes, you have hit the nail on the head once again. I feel I can very much tell the difference from a friends vibe. I say watching a movie, and hanging out, which I know conveys a casual vibe, but in truth I would rather do that than *any* date because he turns it into something special, and the vibe is anything but “casual” and “friends”, and he does take me out on actual dates as well. It’s hard to explain.

   However, I know what my lesson is here. It’s to stay contained within myself, to stay on my horse, to not make any man the source of my happiness. And most importantly, to *lean back*, not chase, and have confidence in the woman I want to be.

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:48am

4. 4: MovingMagic says:

   Mercedes, Brazil is on my list of places to go too. I study Samba-Afro/Brazilian. It’s sexy & exciting! I’m going to a capoeira class this coming Thursday. I studied it years ago. I love the dancing acrobatics involved. Yummm

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 12:42pm

5. 5: Estrela says:

   I like that Rori tells her to lose this guy’s info. It’s so easy to feel capable of changing a man or somehow saying the right thing to make him the man we want, but if he is truly looking for other things, anything we say or do won’t change him. I have definitely been in the friends with benefits situation, and it never feels good. It also wastes precious energy that could better be used getting a graduate degree, learning to cook Thai, perfecting my Spanish.

   I thought I was going about this dating thing a-ok with Beto, my current bf. We didn’t get involved physically until we’d talked exclusivity, we didn’t get involved physically. He pursued me, although I do remember on the 3rd date instead of asking me out, he said, “Want to get together again sometime?” We’ve talked marriage (and we’ve only been dating 3 1/2 months. But lately there have been some huge hang ups that I’ve talked about on other posts: he makes six figures but still rents an apartment, owes big bucks on a new car, and has credit card debt; he asks me to buy groceries, bring over dinner, provide all wine and beer for his friends at his parties (they also earn way more than me. I am a grad student and on a pretty tight budget.) Also, he was condescending to my family and his main love in life? His body. He spends hours a day bulking up and chisling down. For me, I’ll take a guy who is kind and centered with a bit of a paunch any day over someone who is so self-centered. Anyway, I know it’s over. I think he knows too because he asked me if I wanted to get together this weekend but then never responded to my response. I need to end this and feel a little torn over it. I keep jumping into these commitments, get physical, and then have to end it. At the same time, I look forward to getting out to date again and finding the right guy. How long should I wait though before dating? And where can I look for guidance on how to end this?

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 12:46pm

6. 6: Estrela says:

   PS Mercedes, are you from Brazil? This Brazil talk perked my ears up I love the Brazilian culture and speak Portuguese. Adorava visitar o Brasil um dia!

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 12:47pm

7. 7: Tam says:

   Curly is not fighting for me, he dropped off the face of the earth. I take that as a hint….words not matching up actions. That’s fine, better to know now than ever..no need to discuss the dealbreakers or even break a sweat. Found myself feeling a little lonely today as we did a lot of things even in such a short space of time, he always wanted to see me over anything else. nevermind.
   CDing myself now.
   Got a text message from one of his friends (WTF…passing me around now? might be disconnected though, this one was chasing me before). Pfff

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 1:02pm

8. 8: Emoticon says:

   LOVE this

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 1:49pm

9. 9: Femininewoman says:

   Indigo I am wondering if you read the article above?

   Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 2:21pm

10. 10: BeLoved says:

    Today I have felt SO MUCH ANGER and so much resolve to be done with feeling so attached to C.
    I went out and bought a black candle, set up an altar in my kitchen (one of the few spaces not covered in feathers and candles and crystal, haha my whole home is an altar), said a prayer to la Santa Muerte to give my feelings and this pattern and this b*stard child of an entanglement a peaceful death, as well as anything in me that is attracted to and desires anything or anyone harmful to my being and my soul.

    I feel so much better.

    I’ve never done a ritual or prayer like this before, I never wanted to let go of those feelings and have pined and pined and PINED for ex’s for ages.
    Ugh.

    I feel irritated, in a good way, in a way that feels like some pent-up stuff is shaking loose.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 3:51pm

11. 11: ladyinwating says:

    Once again, perfect timing on this piece.
    Thanks for the shot in the arm Ms. Raye.
    Right now feeling hoodwinked, fooled, mislead.
    or Am I?
    Was feeling frustrated from new cd for 3 months. Could not figure out why for a while.
    Just knew in my gut -sumthin wasn’t all right.
    I am happy, I could recognize my triggers.
    of being manipulated
    of being somehow used.
    I am angry and embarrassed that I found this in my life again. I was depressed that I was experiencing this instead of the “warm puppy” type relationship experience I crave.
    He was deliberately manipulating any and all communication to create a response of me falling for him.
    It was not the real deal. I used my feeling messages as best as I could-this post empowers me to KNOW I am as perfect as I have to be at any given time.
    He timed emails, he wrote certain things, he timed the length and amount of phone calls. Things he said, remarks and behaviors to my responses or lack thereof. Oh my. Recently, on Christmas Day no less, he said he would call-I didn’t ask-just said that would be nice! He texted, then did not call. Yeah, you guessed it- I caved and called him. He did not answer. Next day, practiced back in girly mode-”
    It didn’t feel good that I did not speak to you yesterday.”
    He comes back with “glad to hear you feel that way, missed you too.”
    He was glad I was Hurt? What? Huh?
    That was a eyeopener that helped me fill in the blanks.
    But, somewhere inside I knew.
    And, I told him so.
    One part of me wants to throw up,
    another part wants to wash the sweat off my face and say “You go gurl, ya ran the gauntlet and you won!.”
    He has this week even controlled how he left. Or, did I leave first by being my true self?
    AAArrrgghh.
    Fighting the urge to call him, yes I just did. He left this week when supposedly he is having medical issues, job issues, last child leaving the house for the military.
    So, he left me hanging too. I feel left out in the cold. Medical issues came up saturday-right before we were supposed to see each other-yes-for the first time.
    I know, chill out right?
    No, he opted not to call or tell me until after. So weird, he was trying to manipulate/control all that too.
    I am feeling weird. 2 weeks straight of I can’t wait to see you from him. And then totally shut out.
    And then he apologised and made it sound like it was my fault for being sad and disappointed and worried.
    My reaction was normal. His shutting me out and then blaming me for having a set of feelings towards it scared me.
    So yeah,
    plenty of times when you grasp at-did I say the right thing?
    Plenty of times you will NOT get answers as to what, why or huh?
    then,
    you sink to your knees, and
    feel your feelings, and
    hug yourself, and
    cry if you have to,
    scream if you have to,
    and sink in as well to the fear that this icky type not the warm puppy relationship thing could happen many more times,
    and
    know that you have the power to love yourself anyway.
    And, it’s just one day. And maybe you learned something, (I did)
    I KNOW what’s like to live free with my heart. I have learned that by peeling away the layers the last couple of years.
    So,
    I knew my heart knew the difference between being free and being bound.
    I want to be free in someone’s heart and they in mine.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:03pm

12. 12: Sassy says:

    Where is everyone???!!!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:19pm

13. 13: Scarlet says:

    Well, we’ve hit a big bump in the road. I spoke to the man yesterday afternoon and he said he was going to a family function (and I had to go to a friend’s son’s birthday). So he said he would call later in the night, but I didn’t hear from him. This morning, his mother informed me that he went to a friend’s house and she hasn’t seen him since either.

    It’s been intense and consistent and great for 4 weeks. Now this – lies. What do I do now?

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:28pm

14. 14: Emoticon says:

    On facebook lol

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:32pm

15. 15: Rori Raye says:

    Sha-Sha – you rock! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:36pm

16. 16: Sassy says:

    Ohhhh, I’m not and it feels cold and lonely here…..
    Tell em to come back emoticon!
    Good to see you

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 4:58pm

17. 17: Emoticon says:

    Thank you, i will pass on the message!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:06pm

18. 18: Emoticon says:

    Sassy they want u to come on Facebook!!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:13pm

19. 19: Sassy says:

    Hah! No I’m too shy…lol

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:15pm

20. 20: Emoticon says:

    awww everybody is friendly there

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:18pm

21. 21: Emoticon says:

    Sassy

    Iamabutterfly wants u to email her at mishy0811@hotmail.com and she will add u to the FB group (if you want)

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:43pm

22. 22: Tam says:

    Sassy, I am here…hellooooo!!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:49pm

23. 23: Emoticon says:

    Miss Stix is coming lol

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 5:53pm

24. 24: Melinda says:

    Rori. What happened to the 3rd way? C him and date others? Like the way u did?

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:10pm

25. 25: Sassy says:

    Emoticon,

    Thanks for the info.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:30pm

26. 26: Sassy says:

    Hi Tam Tam!!!
    Glad to see you

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:31pm

27. 27: GlowStix says:

    Hi!

    Wow…There is no way in all the universe for me to catch up here!!

    I will just jump back in…*Splash*

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:35pm

28. 28: GlowStix says:

    I did catch that Curly poofed, and my ears perked

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:36pm

29. 29: GlowStix says:

    Sassy

    The FB group is so welcoming and full of support…We also laugh, a LOT. It feels like I have access to a girls night 24/7, and we would love for you to join us!
    

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:39pm

30. 30: Lori says:

    I would like to join you on FB. Would you provide the link?

    I joined Match.com and Okcupid but I deactivated or hid my profile. I’m just not ready. I really don’t want to date. I feel like i need some space and time to just be me.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:48pm

31. 31: Emoticon says:

    Lori read my comment number 21 email Iamabutterfly and tell her to add you

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 6:59pm

32. 32: MovingMagic says:

    3 hours of dance today, & then a birthday drink with one of my sambaistas. I love all of the amazing sisterhood I’m feeling these days. I’m rocking some sparkly high heeled ankle boots, & getting compliments everywhere I go. Thank you universe for showing me *my* way.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 7:30pm

33. 33: Tam says:

    Aw thank you Sassy
    I feel all glowy now!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 7:34pm

34. 34: Tam says:

    27 Hello GlowStix, yep, his loss

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 7:35pm

35. 35: Vi says:

    I am practicing focusing on things I am not used to focusing on. So today I made up my mind to focus on food while I am eating – instead of a book or a computer or TV screen – which is something I always do… and it feels super challenging for my mind!! I could hardly wait until I finish my meal and get back to my laptop. I feel giggly now. No wonder that changing relationship patterns feels so difficult and next to impossible!
    What is here for me to learn? Practicing not beating myself up for not being where I would like to be right here, right now (I have all the time in the world – just like that cool girl who I admire). And Loving myself in the moment, despite of how the moment feels… Sigh. I love me

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 8:02pm

36. 36: Luzydel says:

    I feel something…

    All I know is that perhaps the universe has something better for me. better doesn’t have to be with a man. Maybe my happy ever after is traveling, finishing grad school; going back to painting. I do not like the feeling men provoke in me. I feel like crying and get depressed even thinking about men. I want to be free, and do what I like. Cding myself again! I can’t deal with men, they do not fit my life…

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 8:22pm

37. 37: Emerson says:

    ((Luzydel))
    Wow I feel admiration that you are a painter!
    Travel and grad school are pretty awesome too…definitely on my list as well….
    I feel so many doubts about men/ relarionship if success is possible for me….what is my true belief about this?!? Am I brave enough to let myself discover it?

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 8:59pm

38. 38: Emerson says:

    Ohh my… I feels scared of my negative feelings…I don’t know why blueCD poofed…so hot and cold… I feel angry and annoyed and “not chosen” ….

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:02pm

39. 39: GlowStix says:

    I am so fully cut right now.

    The man is mixing records and I feel soooo goooood! Rawr! yum!

    I’m rockin it today. Good times!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:02pm

40. 40: GlowStix says:

    Having a personal DJ is fun. I may just get up and dance around the room in my pj’s!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:04pm

41. 41: GlowStix says:

    Tam

    I’m gonna have to read back! Jeez. The life of a siren

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:06pm

42. 42: Tam says:

    I give you the short version Glowy (before heading into my sheets yawn). We have different lifestyles and I could not see it matching long term, some dealbreakers for me….soooooo I gave him the option of dating casually (rather than the committed relationship he was asking me to enter with him a million times), in order to find out if we could get a middle of the road or even just to see how we really felt about each other.
    Since I gave him that option he never came back to me, it was Thursday.
    I felt a little surprised as he came on very strongly and seemed really into me…and previously he had told me that I could have as much time as I wanted.
    Trouble is that he was already calling me his gf, and guess he was offended at my backtracking…well, whatever. It does not suit me to enter into any exclusivity agreement whilst I can’t see myself ever living with him…I see that as a waste of time for something not viable.
    Another one bites the dust.
    Sigh.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:22pm

43. 43: Tam says:

    …and the fact that he gave up so easily is also very interesting. A man of words, not so much actions….was more used to men of action and few words. Well ,learnt something again

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:24pm

44. 44: GlowStix says:

    Wow..

    Well hey, they all teach us something, right? You don’t need to compromise on anything at all anyways.

    NEXT!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:33pm

45. 45: JoAnne says:

    Rori, I need help!!! I am 74. I have buried 2 husbands. I lost #2 8/2011. I saw a man from the first of Oct until the week of thanksgiving. He lost his wife of 53 years 5/2010. They went to FL every year for the winter. He is 79. From the day I met him, I am head over heals. He was calling me or I him until a few weeks ago. He keeps telling me he is no good. He doesn’t know what he is going to do with me. He won’t let me come to visit him in FL. as his younger daughter lives there and wanted to know if he was trying to replace “Mom”. He is one of the kindest, big hearted men I have ever known. He will come back in March, but I want to fly down to ride back with him in his M/H so he has some new memories of the M/H and the drive back. I know he cares about me, but when I call now, he won’t answer his phone. I don’t want to lose contact with him. Before he went, he asked if I would go down with him, but I had commited to work at Macy’s for the Christmas Season. He said he had to go befor the Holidays so Wendy wouldn’t be alone. In her 50s and unmarried and never been married. He has another daughter, Sue in NY that I have met and she don’t have a problem with his seeing me. How can I make this situation better? Do I not call him and let him call me next? Do I get in my car and drive down there? He knows I love him and I know he cares for me, but still has his wife on his mind. I know he must make new memories, I just don’t know how to do that and help US. Please help me!!! JoAnne

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:35pm

46. 46: Emerson says:

    Tam that feels surprising that he never came back or contacted you… But….you sound soo authentic and true to yourself yay tam!!!

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 9:48pm

47. 47: k2012 says:

    “Stay lost to him, and let yourself be found by other men who want what you want”. Yess!!! Indeed. Excellent advice. I have a question about circular dating. Rori and other ladies can help me out too-u said circular dating is not about dating. I thought it was. I know interaction with persons but I thought it involved dating other people as well. Talking with a guy from school days on instant message right now and I feel quite excited. Since as that is interaction, is it circular dating? I am a bit confused.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 10:52pm

48. 48: k2012 says:

    Everyone’s gone to bed? Lol. I must turn in soon myself.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:08pm

49. 49: Indigo says:

    Feminine Woman

    Yes, I read it. It was very eye-opening for me.

    I have also been reading Mercedes’ blog – girl, you rock! Such wise advice.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:25pm

50. 50: Scarlet says:

    Anxiety

    I’m feeling scared that I have been abandoned.

    I’m feeling scared that if I haven’t, I may not be able to express and practise my boundaries so i don’t get lied to again.

    Saturday, 5 January 2013 @ 11:38pm

51. 51: Starbright says:

    ((((Scarlet)))
    If it were me, I would try to give the guy the benefit of the doubt until I heard different. From what I’ve followed of your story seems that things were going well lately. In the meantime, how can you get the focus onto you and off of him. What else would feel really good to you? Some amazing music. A hot shower or bubble bath. Treat you in the most loving way possible.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:06am

52. 52: Starbright says:

    Scarlet,

    Also, another thought based on what you wrote is that you could write down feelings and practice with it now on your own. If you have been telling him your feelings and boundaries, you can do it!!!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:10am

53. 53: Starbright says:

    If you sometimes feel like your man has all the Power in your relationship, and you feel almost desperate to get your strong sense of yourself back, I learned something very valuable (the hard way) this weekend that I know will help you, too.

    If you’re at all like me, you value being “nice,” being “liked,” and being “well thought of.”

    So, if you’re like me – being a “Drama Queen” is just out of the question.

    Well, that’s all nice and good, wanting to be “mature” and “well spoken” and “thoughtful,” but for most of us, all that “carefulness” and “political correctness” gets us to the same place – pushing our men away!

    How can that be?

    How can we push a man away by being “nice” and “mature”?

    Well, as I’ve known since the moment I turned my marriage around years ago, and as I teach my clients and write and create programs about for you, valuing “nice” and “mature” over AUTHENTIC can just kill a man’s love for you.

    And it’s not because there’s something so wrong with “nice.”.

    It’s because sometimes our “nice” is just not REAL.

    Because we value being liked more than being Authentic, we can stuff down our feelings.

    I still struggle with this – and as aware as I am about it, it still always surprises me when I choose the “high road” – choose to let something that’s bothering me go rather than speaking up about it.

    These are the moments when my inner Drama Queen can actually HELP!

    So – what does YOUR inner Drama Queen look like?

    Is she so not welcome inside you that you’d do almost anything to not let her out?

    Are you so afraid she’ll turn you into a raging Drama Queen out there in the world that you push her down and try to keep her covered up?

    Well, the one thing I know is that if you don’t love your inner Drama Queen, and instead resist her as much as you can – that’s when you actually DO turn INTO a Drama Queen.

    It’s as though the fight to keep her from taking over makes her squeak by you so you end up acting like a Drama Queen anyway.

    Only – instead of YOU GUIDING her, so that her words come out THROUGH YOU, in Feeling Messages instead of attacks, and so her feelings inspire a man to HELP you instead of run from you – she comes out without your consent and without your control.

    Your inner Drama Queen just jumps out and splatters all over everything. It’s those moments when we do or say something we wish we hadn’t.

    And then you remember the moment when you first felt angry or upset and didn’t say anything about it when it happened – and you KNOW that if you’d just spoken out – authentically and truthfully in that moment, you wouldn’t have turned into a Drama Queen just now.

    So – love your inner Drama Queen.

    Loving her and embracing her will make it possible for you to avoid ACTING like a drama queen.

    Let her speak to you.

    Let her say what’s on her mind.

    Let her into your heart, feel her feelings and use YOUR WORDS to say what’s going on inside you.

    You can do this.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can make you calmer and easier on the outside.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can help you stand up for yourself and be stronger.

    So – talk to her.

    Ask her what her name is.

    Ask her if she’ll help you be stronger, more direct, authentic, and VULNERABLE.

    Try this Tool and see if you feel a little lighter, a little more in step with yourself – I know that I did.

    In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. You can take a look at it (and all my programs) on the “Rori’s Catalog” page here…For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

    Love, Rori

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:16am

54. 54: MovingMagic says:

    Tam, don’t be surprised if he shows back up. They usually do.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:29am

55. 55: Scarlet says:

    Hi Starbright
    Thank you for your response.
    I can express my boundaries but I think I’m scared that I won’t follow up with actions.
    I’ll give you an example:

    We have discussed quite a bit about how my man tries to please everyone instead of saying no and setting his own boundaries. He still likes (or can’t say no to) hang out with his mates and he will try to come to my place afterwards and have another date with me. At the moment we’re all on holidays and it’s hot, and I live near the beach so late nights are very common. He said to me that he doesn’t want to say no to them and he doesn’t want to tell me he’s doing something else. Very immature, I know. Anyway, I have been telling him that I need communication that he is doing something else as long as I know. (We have been seeing each other every day). But he has said that he does not want to tell me he’s doing something else because it will upset me. But last night he just lied and then has avoided me ever since.

    So, that is why my fears are coming up. If he does ever call me, I can re-express my feelings and boundaries, but I guess I have to be strong enough to follow that up with a clear action of not allowing him to come to me after he’s already done something with his mates so he can please everyone.

    Oh, I don’t know – I’m just scared.

    I will go for a walk.

    Thanks again

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:19am

56. 56: Starbright says:

    I feel confused. Is it that he is trying to pick up other women when he is with friends? Or that he is coming over late to see you at times afterwards without taking you ion a proper date first? Is it that you are not invited with him and his friends?

    Just trying to understand the general issue. Now it seems that it is most recently about lying about a family function and that he did not call.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:38am

57. 57: Butterfly Wings says:

    21 – It’s actually butterfly wings, but all good!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:42am

58. 58: Butterfly Wings says:

    Quick update from me…

    TH and I shared an awkward lift moment where he mentioned that I had let myself go, and that my skin was terrible. My response: “I really don’t give a shit what you think!”. Honestly, he’s one very sad man… lol

    Meanwhile, J, the guy NWG introduced me to, is honestly the most beautiful man I have EVER met. But… he’s now in the exact same situation I was with TH. So while I’m open to receiving contact from him, I’m not expecting anything else. I had lunch with him and NWG on Friday and it was sooooo good to see him… sigh…

    S, who I dated almost two years ago and who I met up again with on NYE is in regular contact and we caught up briefly today. He’s so cute. It’s like he thinks he’s in a dream after NYE (we had a VERY good night!) because apparently I’m such a catch! hehe!

    I have another J, who is from my hometown. I’m going out with him tomorrow night. He’s had a crush on me for 23 years. I’m definitely not interested, but looking forward to hanging out all the same.

    Then there’s Mr Italian who keeps trying but failing to book me in for a night of passion.

    So life’s interesting to say the least!

    I have my operation on Thursday (most of you know what that’s about), and NWG’s friend J has insisted on coming over that night to “look after” me. Awww!

    I’ve never had a guy offer to do that for me, so I really felt overwhelmed by his offer.

    Since ditching TH from my life, I have to say I’ve never felt happier! A little sexually frustrated, but definitely happy!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:49am

59. 59: Scarlet says:

    I really don’t believe he is wanting to pick up other women. It is about how he cannot say no to people, including me so he either tries to be everywhere and please everyone or he lies and/or avoids if he can’t.

    i have seen how he avoids phone calls from someone who wants him to be somewhere else when he is with me.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:20am

60. 60: Rebecca says:

    Hmm

    I really want to work at not being affected if someone ignores me.

    Recently at a NYE party I went to a guy friend I knew was there and he just isn’t as friendly as he used to be. Like I sense him leaning totally back. My instinct is to lean forward – yet I know that this is not the answer. This person is a friend, not really a CD. I feel a bit confused when these situations happen.

    Does anyone know what I mean? Or am I just being too sensitive?? Hmm, maybe I am…

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:09am

61. 61: Tam says:

    Moving Magic…uhm….not sure that he will. No idea. he is quite a confident and proud man and he said that he will walk away if I reject him and he won’t look back and that he’d rather do than now than once he has fallen in love and turned into a basket case…
    well, one of his friends has now showed up with texts and emails and I feel pretty livid about this knowing how men are…I have either been passed around or Curly has been seen with someone else, so suddenly this guy feels safe to make a move on me.
    I am not amused.
    I feel angry.
    I don’t move from guy to guy.
    Although, admittedly, this one is more in my age range, with a good job etc. But the most boring and womanising guy ever….NO THANKS!!!
    Grumble.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:13am

62. 62: Tam says:

    44, thanks Emerson, yea, I feel totally surprised since he came on very strong…but hey. Maybe it was a good test of what he’s made of. Rather now than never. Apart from all the issues that make it pretty impossible for me to imagine anything long-term with him, I wouldn’t want a man who doesn’t fight a little for me

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:15am

63. 63: Rebecca says:

    I need to get back into dating somehow. I tried Match.com recently but I didn’t get anywhere and I felt kinda grumpy about that. I’ve tried POV and Oasis but I just find the type of men on there less articulate and none of them really have much to say. It almost feels like “pulling” in your local club or something. I have lots of male friends but no “real” CDs. Not sure what to do. If I flirt with my male friends then they will get the wtong idea. What shall I do??

    Hmmm… Maybe I shouldn’t sit around “thinking” about it, and stratergising all day…

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:34am

64. 64: Indigo says:

    Rebecca 58

    I think this is a mark of being ultra sensitive. I know I certainly used to feel that way, and still do just occasionally.

    I used to believe that other people’s behaviours really were a reaction to me, and I would see imagined slights, when really there could be a hundred different things going on with them and almost always, it has nothing to DO with me.

    I choose to shift my perspective now, when the reality is that I am LOVED

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:39am

65. 65: Femininewoman says:

    RE 59 Tam is there any way you can see a game in this with the friend? Maybe play along with him for a while? You never know. You might get a lesson from him about how men in this “group” or men in groups in general, think and behave with women. I believe if in your shoes I would want to know what this guy wants.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:46am

66. 66: Femininewoman says:

    RE 58 Rebecca I would check myself to see where I am coming from “internally”. I would also taking his actions to mean that I must be leaning forward in some way, even if it is only in my thinking and just find a way to test it. Even if it is to do the Rori letting go tool every time I catch myself thinking about it. I also believe developing some habit to physically lean back to kinda remind myself to lean back internally is what I would do.

    Also he might be leaning back because there is another girl on his radar.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:49am

67. 67: Femininewoman says:

    BW – “I really don’t give a shit what you think!”

    Though I wasn’t there, this suggests defensiveness. Also that he can still push your buttons. I wonder what your intensity and intonation was?

    You know it would be great if you could find a way to be so confident and loving of yourself that you find a way to just tell him in a kinda throw-a-kiss-internal-smile-way “and I just love just like that”. Then walk off and say outloud to yourself “damn I’m good” strutting like a high class diva.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:54am

68. 68: Ulii says:

    @ Rebecca 61

    Sorry, just popping in after long time without being on a blog, your comment catch my eye…!

    Why you think your male friends would get a wrong idea? And what would that idea be? Maybe it could be good to flirt with them a bit to get the practicing started?

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:58am

69. 69: Tam says:

    63 FW, as always I stay open. I replied once or twice, we will see. Wouldn’t want to CD this guy though, too close for comfort.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:02am

70. 70: Femininewoman says:

    There are always things that can be practiced, such as negotiating. I feel, I don’t want, what do you think?
    Then there is speaking up, particularly about boundaries. Then there is noticing oneself, to see where you are coming from internally. To see where your mind automatically goes. To see if when the anger comes up, if you can just catch yourself and stop. To see if you can remember to pause and check if you are coming from your heart or your head. To see if you can read his text, then check in with yourself to see how you are feeling and then put words to them. Heyy, you never know……what these men show up for you to learn…..or heal.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:08am

71. 71: Ulii says:

    @ Tam 41

    I have been missing on your stuff lately a lot, as have not been on the blog… so good to see you resuming here.

    But, Thursday is still so few time ago… Why do you think he has poofed? And, so, now you do really like Curly? From the las time I remember you were not attracted to him.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:15am

72. 72: Ulii says:

    Myself lately,

    I have learned by experience that the attraction can grow. Although I want a potential level of basic attraction to be there from the beginning – applying something I recall was EMK saying about if you ever imagine yourself sleeping with a man and if you had fun on the first date, then it´s worth to go on more dates ((don’t remember the exact words, but along these lines) . But from there on it´s getting all about how I feel in a presence of a man and how he is treating me.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:20am

73. 73: Lori says:

    I just read k2012′s post about CDing. I think I was confused about it too. I thought I had to actually date which doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m so glad as I am not ready. I just don’t want to. It has nothing to do with him, it’s me.

    I’ve been practicing feeling messages and am amazed at the reactions. I’m feeling more ready for us to talk on Tuesday. I’ve been learning about leaning back and mirroring so will also practice that.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:46am

74. 74: Ulii says:

    And

    wishing happy new year to all the sirens!!! I see a lot of new names here! That´s nice. Although it´s nice to see the familiar ones too, of course.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:52am

75. 75: GlowStix says:

    Scarlet

    I am a bit behind on the blog here, yet that sounds, to me, like something for him to address only if *he* wants to. If you are not attracted to men with a lack of personal boundaries, that is your boundary. Trying to get him to have boundaries so you can feel more attracted is not a personal boundary. It is a control issue.

    If you don’t want him to come over late, after buddies, and you don’t want to hear his hedging about how he wanted to “say no” or not go…You say no to him. That is your boundary and that’s how you uphold it. Allowing him over, and then talking about things about him that you don’t like, is not upholding a boundary. It is an attempt to assert control.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:00am

76. 76: Indigo says:

    GlowStix 73

    You are speaking some serious truth there !

    This is a difficult one, but what you said is absolutely true.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:10am

77. 77: Ulii says:

    My update about MotoCD:

    About 6 weeks into dating, he, who was my favourite, who I get too entusiastic about, and also too attached… he met me for lunch & told me he thinks we shouldn’s see eachother anymore as there is something missing from his part & also from mine (in his opinion). I could feel it was hard for him to have this talk with me, as he obviously cared and didn´t want to see me cry (which I did a bit).

    After my initial hurt & disappointment & blaming myself for being too cold and maybe holding back on expressing my positive feelings… I got to a place, where I really can appreciate this as a learning experience. If I did something wrong, I can do better next time (which would be related to try to be more authentic & express myself more & appreciate more).

    But already having this CD, I see that the quality of men around me is upgrading.

    I really admire him for not “poofing”, but having this conversation with me, even if it was not easy for him.

    At the end he is a nice & decent man, more rough & masculine I had been used to, but sensitive at the same time. He treated me with respect always & never pushed for sex nor tried to minimize my feelings.

    It just was not meant to be with him. But I´m feeling hopeful I will have the relationship I want soon.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:10am

78. 78: Tam says:

    69, hi Ulii!!!!!
    Ah, no, I still did not ‘really’ like him in the sense that I was in love…but we spent some great days together and then I discovered some things that turn out to be dealbreakers for me….and I asked him if we could back-track and date, rather than be in a committed relationship (which he had been asking me for day in and day out, but I never ‘confirmed’…).
    After that, he disappeared. And he really disappeared, because he religiously contacted me early in the day and again throughout the days every day since late November and since thursday I heard nothing…plus one of his friends trying to make a move on me, kind of adds up to a disappearing act.
    That’s ok, just very surprising.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:28am

79. 79: Rebecca says:

    FW

    Yes, I think it is about how I am feeling internally.

    Usually around this particular guy I feel fairly relaxed and confident. I generally NEVER really worry about what he thinks about me. We seemed to be having more of a friendship than romance, and he was always one of these people who I felt very comfortable chatting with, but just lately things have changed between us.

    I have also noticed that he has lost a bit of weight and seems to be having a healthier lifestyle. In fact he almost looks gaunt he has lost so much weight – not that he was fat before! I think maybe that it is me and I feelself concious around him now, and ulitmately “not good enough” for him.

    Could that be the message to me? Is that my internal voice talking to me?

    It would be interesting to know your thoughts because I have been torturing myself with this soet of thing for years.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:30am

80. 80: Rebecca says:

    Indigo

    I agree – maybe I am being too sensitive. If I’m gonna make up a story – make up a good one right! Hehe

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:34am

81. 81: Rebecca says:

    Ulii

    The problem with a lot of the men in my life who I class as “friends” rather than CDs are quite unattractive to me. A couple are slightly older than me and have really let themselves go. The others I’m just not attracted to. Bad self care – that sort of thing.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:37am

82. 82: Femininewoman says:

    RE 77 Rebecca I believe you have hit the nail on the head right there. I would encourage you to ask yourself those questions and see what answers your higher self comes up with.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:53am

83. 83: Tam says:

    Curly’s friend is now asking me for date.
    I feel weird about this.
    Very, very weird.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:55am

84. 84: Rebecca says:

    … Also I feel some men “hang around” with me because I amvery good at getting male friends girlfriends. ie this particular friend I sense is “using” me to meet my female friends. I feel really uncomfortable about this. Yuck. No thanks. This particular friend is the queen of leaning back as well.

    Ahhh…. Its so difficult. I want to CD but I don’t want to be used… I usually end up doing all the work.

    Sorry I am feeling resentful today!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:55am

85. 85: Memulo says:

    I tried to spend the night with my CD. I mean after like 20 dates in 2 months. Didn’t work. I miss the other guy and I know it’s crazy of me. My CD is good looking and he adores me and treats me really well. and I am nowhere to be found to be there with him

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:05am

86. 86: Tam says:

    I feel like used/damaged goods..for sure they talked about me on the weekend, or at least assuming I was ‘free again’. I hate this.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:13am

87. 87: Rebecca says:

    ((((tam))))

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:23am

88. 88: Femininewoman says:

    Tam tell him you feel weird. I might even ask him if that feels respectful of his friend for him to do that?

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:23am

89. 89: Femininewoman says:

    Tam YOU are making it about you.
    YOU are not applying what you have learned.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:27am

90. 90: Femininewoman says:

    For all you know he gave him rave reviews about you. So now the friend might want to prove that he is a better man than Curly. Or he understands that you are the type of woman that a man wants so he does not want to let you get away like his friend did.

    If you are going to make up a story you might as well make it good.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:29am

91. 91: Tam says:

    Yep, it is about me and now I feel angry and also on top of that weird. Rah!!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:29am

92. 92: Femininewoman says:

    You hate for them to think you are free??????

    Duh (sorry) that is where your power is. You get to choose. They get to compete. You are the target. You get to reject or say yes. You are the prize.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:31am

93. 93: Femininewoman says:

    Tam for crying out loud, every relationship coach says don’t make it about you. Especially the negative story. Come on. The men have issues. Curly did not have his shit together. He and his friends know it.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:33am

94. 94: Femininewoman says:

    You were one who rejected him.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:34am

95. 95: Femininewoman says:

    Tam I would tell him I am too hot for him. He might get burnt and bit the dust. Like his friend did.

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:36am

96. 96: Tereana says:

    Tam – I agree. It’s weird to go out with a friend of someone you’ve dated. I’ve tried it. And I’m not a fan. If you don’t feel good about it, you don’t have to!

    And don’t listen to FW. I mean, she has her point. But it doesn’t matter. However you feel is fine.

    You’re a rockstar!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:39am

97. 97: Tereana says:

    *edit*: And don’t listen to FW. However you feel is fine.

    You’re a rockstar!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:40am

98. 98: Tam says:

    FW, wow, I feel the passion behind your words and love it!!! Wow, lady!!
    YES!!! he didn’t have his shit together!! Exactly.
    And now I told the other guy that I feel weird (and why) but would be open to meeting at some point.
    Go me!!!!
    Thank you!

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:43am

99. 99: Tam says:

    93…hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…too hot for him? Actually, I probably am. But this one is a good salsa dancer, so before he starts biting the dust I might get a few dances out of him…

    Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:44am

100. 100: Tam says:

     90..nono, misunderstanding, I don’t hate for them to think I am free, I more hate the thought that they are talkijng about me etc. But in reality, it is probably just that the other guy ‘observed’ Curly by himself on the weekend and drew his conclusions, as they are not really great friends. In fact, this guy was hitting on me at Curly’s surprise party.
     Which was a little humorous….

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:45am

101. 101: MovingMagic says:

     Yes Femininewoman, I love the reminder to make the story a good one, if you’re making up one at all! It’s so easy to do the opposite. It’s so easy to get worked up, when really we’re not in their heads, & have no place being there anyway.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:47am

102. 102: Femininewoman says:

     would be open to meeting at some point – Yayy to you.

     That point could be some time in infinity. Maybe never.

     Maybe find a way to ask him why would he think you would consider him. Mainly because friends have similar values and you would likely believe that birds of a feather flock together. If he was smart he might have figured that you might not like the color of their feathers.

     Girl I would find a way to have fun with this. hehe
     I have in the past and the guy kept trying without success for years.

     I have also experienced it vice versa where a guy tried with my friend then tried with me. Another tried with my sister, then tried with me.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:47am

103. 103: Lori says:

     hey girls, I’m feeling mentally and emotionally ready for our talk in a couple of days. We are meeting with friends of mine prior, one of which is now an acquaintance because of me. Business. This is kind of a superficial level but I’m trying to figure out what to wear. It’s not a business meeting, even though I know it will be discussed. There will be him, and two other men, both friends of mine. I’m trying to decide between jeans, boots and a nice blouse or putting on a skirt. I’m thinking a skirt as I would like the difference between our genders to be pronounced. Any thoughts?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:47am

104. 104: Femininewoman says:

     this guy was hitting on me at Curly’s surprise party -

     hehe you are magnetic and he is enthralled by the magnetism and attraction. Poor chap

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:49am

105. 105: Femininewoman says:

     Lori go with how you feel on that day.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:49am

106. 106: Femininewoman says:

     RE 97 find a way to put yourself on a pedestal

     With them two or three steps below you

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:51am

107. 107: Lori says:

     I’m feeling pretty positive about our talk. My thought is that if he was done, there would be no need to talk. He also said he would call me tomorrow and so far, if he says he will call, he does. I’m practicing working keeping my tone light. I’m a professional and I tend to get that tone when I’m on the phone.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:52am

108. 108: Femininewoman says:

     I love to think people only talk about me because I am important.

     Yeah I know. I am conceited. And I just love me

     Let them eat their heart out

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:54am

109. 109: Tam says:

     Ok FW, loving your posts…and besides, I have a tendency to make everything dramatic when there is no need. The guy poofed and I can do what the heck I want, whether he sees me or not – why should I care? If he wanted me he could have made contact and communicated.
     I feel much better now.
     Thank you!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:54am

110. 110: Femininewoman says:

     Lori – I would let relax relax relax be my mantra for that meeting. Don’t overthink. Try to enjoy. Let go of expectations.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:56am

111. 111: MovingMagic says:

     Tam, he’s a salsa dancer?!?! Ohhh girl, get some dancing in, if nothing else. Yummm. Maybe the universe is telling you to have some fun with all this.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:57am

112. 112: Tereana says:

     Okay, so a couple of things that were just on my mind:

     1.) FMs definitely do not work on everyone! I mean, they are “magic” in that they can and do work on the right people. But only *some* people are set up in a way to really hear them. Some people can’t. And with those people who can’t hear or respond to feeling messages, you can FM them ’till you’re blue in the face, and you’re just not going to get anywhere. Better to test it out – see if feeling messages can “land” on the person. And if they can’t, then save them for someone who can hear them. Kind of like “pearls before swine.” If you know someone can’t deal with your feelings – don’t keep exposing them to that other person. You’ll only feel trampled. I of course know this from lots of experience…

     AND from the experience the other way around. The other day, I was talking to a man in feeling messages. And I didn’t even realize I was doing it – I mean, I guess I did. But it just felt more natural to speak that way. But I didn’t know what was going to happen when I said it. And in the end, it felt so good, because he really responded positively. He could really HEAR my FMs and he UNDERSTOOD them. And that was a new experience. He even praised me for the way that I was speaking. And that felt good. I feel like praising him, too, because I know so well how some people just don’t have an emotional vocabulary. So it was good to have that experience.

     2.) I just had a crazy “AHA” moment about money – and specifically about saving money.

     I was looking at a jar, on which I’d taped a label about saving for a specific goal – with the idea that it would motivate me to put money in the jar. And it worked, a little bit.

     But just today, I looked at the jar, and realized that I felt Incredibly stressed out, just seeing the word “save” related to money. In fact, thinking about it, I can feel my whole body tensing up and resisting. And I realized that I have a fear about saving money. And the fear is that if I save it, I will lose it. And also, I have a belief, that saving money is “hard.” That it is somehow difficult to keep money in my (or anyone’s) possession, and that this will always be a struggle – that as often as I “save” money, I will spend it. And of course, this has been my reality.

     I see how this (a lot of it) stems from my father, and his beliefs and behaviors about money. I think he transferred them to me by talking about money incessantly in this way – that it was stressful, that it was a struggle. The “feast or famine” reality that happened in our family. If there was money one time, we acted as if we had a lot, and we would celebrate. And the next thing we knew, it was gone, and we couldn’t even afford to buy basic things, or our cable or electric were being shut off, or my parents would worry and stress about paying the mortgage – or all of those things.

     So when I try to “save” it feels impossible. I feel defeated before I even start. I try. And I give myself props for saving even a little. But before I know it, it’s gone. Or I save it for a while. But eventually I need it for a basic necessity – which means I don’t have it for the thing I was saving it for. And then I’m down to my last dollars and it’s famine again, instead of feast.

     I’m committed to changing this pattern. I’m committed to changing this belief around money that “saving is hard.” I want to throw out that belief entirely – and in fact, not make it about saving at all, since that is the trigger for me. I want to make it about COMMITMENT. I am COMMITTED to abundance. I am COMMITTED to acceptance. I am committed to having a better relationship with money, and a better relationship to myself. I am committed to RELAXING about money, and not always worrying that there will never be enough. I am committed to knowing that there is Abundance, and there is ALWAYS enough. And I am committed to believing that I am a creative, resourceful person, who will always find a way, and that abundance and wealth and vitality are my birthright. It’s not something that my parents can give to me or take away. It is simply something that I can CHOOSE for myself, and I can choose to believe that I am worthy of it, and I deserve it. Simply because I am.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:02am

113. 113: Lori says:

     Hi FW, I really don’t have any expectations. I wanted an opportunity to express how I felt and feel since I didn’t the other day. He’s a good man. I truly don’t believe it’s me as he said. He’s in a really bad place and feels awful. I understand to an extent as I’ve been there.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:11am

114. 114: Luzydel says:

     Ever wonder about what he’s doing
     How it all turned to lies
     Sometimes I think that it’s better
     to never ask why

     Where there is desire
     There is gonna be a flame
     Where there is a flame
     Someone’s bound to get burned
     But just because it burns
     Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
     You’ve gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try
     You gotta get up and try try try

     Eh, eh, eh

     Funny how the heart can be deceiving
     More than just a couple times
     Why do we fall in love so easy
     Even when it’s not right

     Where there is desire
     There is gonna be a flame
     Where there is a flame
     Someone’s bound to get burned
     But just because it burns
     Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
     You’ve gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try
     You gotta get up and try try try

     Ever worried that it might be ruined
     And does it make you wanna cry?
     When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
     Are you just getting by?
     Tell me are you just getting by by by

     Where there is desire
     There is gonna be a flame
     Where there is a flame
     Someone’s bound to get burned
     But just because it burns
     Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
     You’ve gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try
     You gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try
     You gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try

     You gotta get up and try try try
     Gotta get up and try try try

     PINK – TRY LYRICS

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:22am

115. 115: Mercedes says:

     I’m not from Brazil but I really, really want to go. I used to do a lot of charity work for an organization there but it no longer exists. J has been there many, many times and used to own a couple of houses there. He’s dying to go back and I’m dying to go so…we will make that happen! I don’t speak Portuguese but have the Rosetta Stone for it (present from J for Christmas). I really need to start using it again…especially since we’re going to visit! I cook a lot of Brazilian meals for us (YUMMY!) and also absolutely LOVE the culture. A large part of J’s heart wants to retire there so maybe someday it will be my home.

     Indigo! Thank you so much for spending time on my blog! I love hearting that! Sometimes when blogging it feels like typing into a black hole so I absolutely shine when I know others are getting value from it! YAY!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:45am

116. 116: Tereslyn says:

     Hey, boy am I down today. I haven’t heard a word from long distant guy in a week and I finally called n left message today …. Wrong move. So now I’m beating myself up about it. I feel sad and unloved and like I’ll never get over him … Ever. I’m dating other men, but cannot get him outta my head. I’m lonely and I miss his calls. He will call back eventually and now I don’t know what to say. I wanna tell him how I feel but not look needy … Help!!! Or perhaps I should not talk to him at all like not answer the phone, idk I’m so confused and sad n emotional right now and I don’t wanna screw up, that is if there is anything to screw up.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:51am

117. 117: Tereana says:

     Lol – Tam, I’m glad you liked what FW had to say. To me, it sounded spunky, but a bit critical. I just wanted to affirm how you were feeling! No need to beat yourself up about any of it. But taking responsibility – heck yeah! ; )

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:57am

118. 118: Mercedes says:

     Tereana! OMGosh! Something really cool just happened. This morning, I was reading Andy Dooley’s book “iManifest” and it was talking about just focusing on the positive outcome of what you want and letting the universe lead you to the right people at the right time, etc. I happen to have extra time on my hands today and I read your comment about money above (what I desire is going to take money) and it soooooo hit home with me. It is exactly my story about how I grew up and my belief that saving money is hard. I love the way you flipped that around and I’m going to post it somewhere (in my home, office, meditation journal…all of the above) so I can focus on re-framing my beliefs about money. I will have this dream of mine and I won’t worry about where the money will come from. I will focus on how the end result will feel and I will let the universe do the hard part (ie worrying about the money). From there, it will come.

     Anyway, thank you for being here. I believe this is a PERFECT example of the universe leading me to the right person at the right time. I appreciate you so much!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:59am

119. 119: Daria says:

     ive been feeling a bit worried about soemthing, is this a good time to talk?

     lately ive noticed myself feeling uncomfortable and even noticed myself going passive agressive a bit and i want to apologize for that. i dont want to ignore you or stone face your enthusiasm which i noticed myself doing

     and the truth is, im a really prissy and sometimes insecure girl and im very into *roles* in the relationship

     i feel good being the feminine expressive ooh aahhh feeling role, and my guy to be the in charge, decision making thinking role

     and i feel so good with you with that because you’re so there for me and consistent with seeing me and doing what you say, being on time and treating me well… it really feels good and solid

     and what i feel concerned about is i don’t feel good in our actual in person conversations sometimes

     i dont feel good on a date when a guy interrupts our conversation to get into himself and pay attention to a body feeling

     or goes into a reverie, how good his body feels, or complaining about how he feels, or talks about a lot of his feelings that are not about ME

     i actually feel icky when that happens, i feel it…and i notice myself shut down … i feel guilty for feeling that way!

     and the truth is i feel kinda not paid attention to at those moments

     and mad and competitive like, “Hey I’m the girl here”

     it feels so uncomfortable to talk about this , and i noticed myself growing resentful … it feels so much better to get it out in the open…

     what do you think we can do to fix this?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 11:46am

120. 120: Ulii says:

     @ Daria 117

     “i dont feel good on a date when a guy interrupts our conversation to get into himself and pay attention to a body feeling

     or goes into a reverie, how good his body feels, or complaining about how he feels, or talks about a lot of his feelings that are not about ME

     i actually feel icky when that happens, i feel it…and i notice myself shut down … i feel guilty for feeling that way!

     and the truth is i feel kinda not paid attention to at those moments

     and mad and competitive like, “Hey I’m the girl here” ”

     Hey…I really find myself in similar situations sometimes and this is exactly how I feel and what I´d like to say. And how you are saying sounds perfect for dealing with this. But I have been too afraid to state that I guess.
     Then there´s such a difference where you have a man you don´t have to compete with who´s got to be the girl in the relationship (or dating scenario), and he takes the masculine role just like that, easily, without me having to make any effort.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:09pm

121. 121: Memulo says:

     It feels quite pathetic, given that the guy is happily living his life, never tried to contact me in 3 or so months and probably is glad about his so easy escape. what am I thinking not letting others into my heart????

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:16pm

122. 122: Daria says:

     I rember before I thought ….

     Men wdnt want to kiss my feet and me theirs

     Before I thought a period meant no sex or that guys wd find it icky or that they went go down on me

     Before I thought a guy going down on me was an obligation for me to do sonething

     I feel trepidation

     I remember before I

     Before I believed those

     Before I thought men cd see me as a prostitute

     I want to heal all the wounds around these beliefs I picked up

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:26pm

123. 123: Daria says:

     Ulii – I feel terrified to talk with him !

     I’m Practicibg here…

     I feel guilty asking someone to change the way they express themselves

     — noticing I’m not asking him to

     I’m only sharing how I feel and asking him what he thinks we can do

     I feel guilty for feeling judgemental in those moments

     Under that I feel abandoned unimportant and not paid attention to

     I feel guilty for wanting ‘all the attention’

     I feel worried its not healthy or possible and I will be told to ‘learn to love it’

     And I don’t and this is

     My fear of ‘stable’ men in general

     When they have daughters for example they’re stable as far as punctuality but can be feminine acting in convo

     Actually not all w daughters but maybe the ones who care take?

     Actually not then either

     Well I don’t feel good during those times and I feel guilty about that

     I feel guilty about judging and not feeling good and feeling less than around another being expressing themselves and feeling pleasure

     He’s likely just unwinding from his day –
     He comes from work

     I feel guilty!

     And… It feels like a huge turn off!

     I love my guilt

     I live my turn off

     I don’t feel open and cared for and comfy at those times

     (((((((Daria)))))))

     I’m still feeling scared triggered n confused

     U should just ‘give him a chance’ !

     But I did and now look! All those land characteristics I didn’t like – the girl talk etc

     Are blocking me!

     And yes he’s stable, adores me, is there for me….

     But when we’re together I feel icky turned off when these conversations happen.

     Over 50% of the time.

     80% this,

     20% really complimenting me and saying wonderful things
     about me, feelings for me, future, and romance

     That’s what It feels like to me

     And I feel guilty for being ‘ungreatful’

     Since the things he does say are so wonderful

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:37pm

124. 124: Daria says:

     I’m gona trust that expressing my feelings on how I feel is diff than saying

     ‘don’t do that’ and controlling

     It seems like nitpicking… Seems the same as the control…

     Because its a deal breaker for me

     I can’t handle this And let it pile up And feel guilt

     And this is sonething I often feel guilt for, comes up often for me, and is one if my fears

     Thank you Daria

     I’m healing and learning

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:39pm

125. 125: kdr says:

     #121 Daria,

     This would feel horrible to me, too. Do you think he’s “mirroring” you in an attempt to draw you to him? Ugh. I would probably try to start a conversation about how I love the differences between men and women and how a man’s “manliness” makes me feel more womanly. Might not be the best way to talk to him about that, though.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:45pm

126. 126: Memulo says:

     Daria did you say you feel terrified to talk go a guy? Sorry didn’t read your whole post on my phone. Who is he exactly so you feel this way?? Is he worth more than other ppl;)

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 12:56pm

127. 127: Rebecca says:

     Daria

     I so relate to your dilema.

     My male friend is pretty similar.

     I feel in some way he (mine that is) is looking for attention that he doesn’t feel he’s getting.

     It’s weird – if I go cool on him, and don’t sound/act as enthusiastic as normal – then he always seens to go “cool” on me. This always seemsto tie in with him being ill or being down. It’s weird – I feel it is looking for attention and I feel bad feeling thay way.

     Yesterday on the phone he said be was going to call me and come over. I said “yeah, cool” but not much else. Surprise, surprise I have not heard from him all day.

     I’m sure the next time I speak to him he’ll tell me he was ill, or that he thought I didn’t want him to come over. I feel really angry that he’s messed me around – said he wasn’t going to come over and hasn’t becauae I wasn’t perky enough. Talk about being controlling!!

     I feel like he is waiting for me to call him. I’m not gonna.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:07pm

128. 128: Daria says:

     I wonder if I feel more triggered that he’s really good at the feminine energy stuff…

     Really gets into it no fm’s poetically and moans and takes time to feel it

     It kinda draws in ones attention.

     Perhaps …….. This is a mirror of me and masculine energy

     I Love getting in masculine energy w men, or I feel compelled to and very comfortable to

     ESP if he’s a very masculine man I Do Want him to see n recognize also my masculine prowess

     Maybe they’re Equally turned off but don’t know how to tell me !!!!!!!

     Especially when I’m particularly good at the masc energy …

     Ie those moments web I feel I’m particularly good at it, wen they look surprised at me recognizing my – wat I was thinking ‘coolness’

     Those moments web I say sonething particularly hardcore masculine , and everyone Has to acknowledge it…

     They actually feel competitive and turned off ! while they do grudgingly acknowledge my awesome

     Meanwhile I’m here and wen Nanny Cd is particularly hitting the fem energy and feeling himself… I’m feeling competitive and turned off

     And grudgingly acknowledge he’s good at fem energy

     wow!

     Maybe I can step it up and ‘steal’ the role. Moan twice as long and loud wen he starts

     Outgirl him without judgement

     And…… Communicate that’s part of being a girl

     My feelings I’ve been stuffing/ hiding

     Of Ew ick… Wen my guy makes those kinda sounds and… Ouch heart

     Web my guy goes into fem energy. (that’s wat it is)

     I feel turned off wen my guy goes into fem energy.

     So u expect a man to be in masculine energy all the time?

     W me yes, I feel good web a man is in masculine energy w me to feel romantic (in a romantic connection)

     ……

     Hmmmmmm

     W Scorpio CD, I think His fem energy triggered me to lean in interrestrd and feel urges too aww so cute baby him, not compete

     I wonder what this is about.

     ******

     Just like nanny cd probably does that to feel close to me, build rapport, etc

     I get at Least once in masc energy w men I like n respect

     Or w all men but

     I want them to Know I’m tight.

     I want them to trust me cuz I’m like them!

     I think they will like me more if they know I’m a little soldier too.

     I think they will like me more if they see how awesome I can be at being masculine –

     Or at Least ‘hood’

     Or ‘hard

     I even imagine them will find it powerfully attractive , cux they’re used to Nd comforted by it?

     Aren’t they

     Don’t they ?

     Web girls say commanding stuff like :

     Gimme dat dick

     Fuchk me

     Come here

     Naw nigga

     I thought guys like these?

     It gives me a thrill to say em

     Do they ?

     Or don’t they?

     Maybe it’s for me… I feel electrified in place pusdy wet and alert… Ie very aroused

     Hmmmm

     Maybe the women say it to get themselves aroused…

     Good point

     I still feel lost

     I feel despairing

     I feel rushed

     Head snap back

     Sooooooooooooooooo

     Maybe they don’t experience then the same

     They might experience it well if it doesn’t trigger them and thru get to experience Yhe Womans turn on

     Or if it triggers them as masc energy and gets them competing (ie ESP if their masc energy is less than that )

     Then it turns them off/. Pushes them away

     ******

     Makes sense why neighbor cd who’s not very masc gets triggered wen I bark orders at him

     Men w more masc, they just think I’m ‘cute’ wen I do that

     Probably how I think Scorpio CDs ‘cute’ wen he does his Fem energy thing…. I feel like a powerful graceful wise mother woman looking at a cute lil boy

     But w Nanny CD he’s so good at the fem energy he’s eclipsing mine and I no longer feel like the overall fem energy in those moments…

     I feel unsexy and resentful

     My ear tight w anger

     I think angry

     I think if people were to see this they wd think he’s gay and judge me for being w a dork

     And I feel pist

     I love my anger

     It’s like Steve Urkel

     Seriously

     I can deal w that but I feel soooooooooo

     Annoyed

     One on one

     Web hd goes into fem energy

     I feel icky

     I feel …

     Ok so it’s like he’s better tha Me at it…

     And I’m like dude I’m the girl

     Obviously people don’t feel the same abf it cuz he’s doing it… So he doesn’t get my feeling

     Same w men

     I feel so cool web I show a cool man my masc steer knowledge/ spirit wisdom /

     And he may be impressed at the same time turned off privately emotionally romantically

     Icky!!!!!!

     I do not want that !

     So how come I just don’t feel Real wen I do t show off mu masculine side to a man at least occasionally.

     ??????

     I feel like he misses an important part of me..,

     Hmmm

     I want to heal this

     Or maybe it’s just those subjects I admire men in and want him to be awesome?

     No I want him to acknowledge how awesome I am

     What if I do this by showing my masculine energy… But not towards Him

     Hmmmmmm

     That might feel cool

     And the same w Banny Cd he cd do it thru song, and I Like that!

     I don’t like it if it interrupts our convo….

     But I like it!

     I Dobt like if on a date directed towards me … On our together time a guy taking 20 min to moan and relax and get into himself n his feelings .

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:16pm

129. 129: Sassy says:

     Something to tell yourself in the money manifest belief:

     “I have all of the money I will ever need”.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:20pm

130. 130: Daria says:

     Memulo – yes he’s been seeing me practically everyday since before thanksgiving

     He’s rely stable, forever talks, wants to Marry me and says it often , wants me to move in wen he gets his new apt next month, asked me to be his gf (got the no gf speech)

     I’m starting to like him a bit for being so there for me and gentlemanly

     And coming to see me everynite

     ——- there’s plenty of triggers and growth, even red flags… Babysteps

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:20pm

131. 131: Daria says:

     Thank you kdr – actually yeah thank you I feel solid reading your post. I do want to approach it as a ‘I love the diff btwn masc men n fem woman’ thing

     I crunched my speech to:

     ‘I feel turned off when a man goes into feminine energy’

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:24pm

132. 132: Daria says:

     Oops I notice I created a paradigm that

     We make efforts to be in Masc/ fem w each other,

     But we need to ‘rest’… Men in fem , women in masc, too.

     So who I am to deny it?

     But I don’t hand to be there.

     Better yet, I don’t have to have it towards me in a romantic time.

     My boy time is also not towards him.

     I Do use my masc energy… Just not towards my man

     His fem energy can be inspired by me to sing love songs.

     Ok I can handle this.

     I can handle this convo.

     This is a big one for me.

     This is the reason I always kept male best friends best friends.

     I didn’t feel comfortable or understand when and what triggered my turn off.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:29pm

133. 133: Daria says:

     I Did after all talk about us not kissing… And now both of us are getting more confortabld it seems a the peks

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:30pm

134. 134: Daria says:

     Rebecca – I totally get that. Many guys are like that w their friends it feels annoying and then well they’re like that to me too.

     It’s actually biding for guys to stand each other up. They than call each other to talk shot about it and bond some more.

     ‘you bitcx y u not comin’

     ‘fuchk u jerkoff I’m w yo mama

     ‘whatever u bitcx we had hella bitcxes’

     ‘aww hell naw y u didn’t tell me’

     ‘ I called u u mark’

     ‘yah but u sounded hella dry’

     They don’t trip off stuff like that. Web we get friends w guys, we women kinda get used to feeling bad and overlooking it… And that doesn’t work if we do it in romance

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:36pm

135. 135: Daria says:

     Remember if I’m judging him I’m judging me… So this is not about judging

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 1:55pm

136. 136: Memulo says:

     Daria so what is it that’s nit working for you?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

137. 137: Memulo says:

     I mean the guy sounds really good but I’m not sensing you as being in love?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:02pm

138. 138: Daria says:

     I feel good in a big soldier lil soldier dynamic, where I get praised for my soldierly pursuits … While also receiving love and attention and giggles and girlyness.

     And I’m also a behind the scenes beautiful goddess queen of sheba who is worshipped by her grimy big soldier. (that’s the part he likes . At least that’s what I think in my patterns)

     (I wana be a better G an I think you’re good and want to learn from you. And not feel worried that I’m gona threaten you in some way. )

     And I’m also a star accompanied by her date/bodyguard/male consort/nobleman/gentleman/care taker/co star/ man in charge

     

     Wow this IS what I want . I feel so stirred. I want to explore this more and it feels so vague and out of reach and delicious yet fading

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:06pm

139. 139: Dancing Siren says:

     Hi Sirens,

     I haven’t been on the blog for a while, although I check in to Siren Island sometimes.

     Things have been going great…. relationship great, my life great, getting myself out of debt – going well and work in progress…

     And when my boyfriend asked me to be exclusive with him last year in the summer, I put it off, and put it off and put it off. I was still CD-ing.

     But he did EVERYTHING right and it felt really good.

     He stopped drinking alcohol (as he had some alcohol issues when I met him) and we were building a happy, connected, healthy relationship together.

     He knew from the beginning that I didn’t want ‘longterm boyfriend’, I want the whole thing. Marriage etc.

     At the end of the summer he made it clear that he wanted to marry me, and we both felt it was too early to agree to that, as he only just overcame the alcohol issues, plus he didn’t have the spare money for a ring. And he made it very clear that was his intention. He didn’t want me to see other men and he asked me to move in.

     I agreed, on the understanding that if all went well there would be a ring by Xmas.

     He said yes and we agreed that was a plan. As the man he was going to take care of the details.

     I felt some anxiety, having to let go, not knowing if, or when or how it would happen, and that was hard, and I trust him, he has proved himself and always followed through on his promises this last year (how long we have been seeing each other).

     I moved in to his place, as I had been staying with my parents due to debts, however I left the door open at my parents, just in case I needed to go back.

     He has basically kept me for the past several month, taking care of all the bills whilst I got myself on my feet and tackled my debts. He has been a sweetheart and very understanding of my financial difficulties, ad we have been very happy. Money has been tight, and that has been because I have not been able to contribute.

     Anyway Christmas came and went and no proposal.

     I thought I would give him till NYE as that was our 1 year Anniversary, but when NYE came it became clear it wasn’t going to happen. To celebrate our Anniversary he arranged to take me away this weekend just gone, so I thought ‘It’s going to be then’ but still nothing.

     So yesterday night I brought it up with him.

     I used my feeling messages and don’t wants.

     It was awkward/uncomfortable and he said he DOES want to marry me and he just wants it to be right. He said where money has been tight he hasn’t been able to afford the ring he wanted to get. He said he has wanted to ask me on many occasions and just felt that the situation was too plain and average and he wants it to be special as it is something he will only ask once in his life.

     I said I understood and I still felt bad.

     We came back home and on the way home he bought me a new laptop, which made it feel all the worse when I told him I was going to my Mum’s.

     I feel very conflicted.

     I am just at my Mum’s now taking some space.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

140. 140: Dancing Siren says:

     More -

     I feel so conflicted because on the one hand I KNOW he loves me and I think he wants to marry me.

     And on the other hand I feel annoyed that we had an agreement and it didn’t happen.

     I feel tricked.

     I DON’T think the time has been wasted, it doesn’t feel like that at all to me, however I do feel annoyed that I agreed to exclusivity, and then he wasn’t able to keep his end of the bargain.

     I feel really mad that he didn’t see the need to tell me that the agreed timings were changed.

     I feel worried about being with a man who might have this procrastinating approach.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:17pm

141. 141: Femininewoman says:

     Wow!!! Dancing Siren

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:23pm

142. 142: Dancing Siren says:

     Even more –

     I mainly feel confused.

     I think I am being rigid, but, I want to respect my own deadline, and my own promise to myself.

     I want to be flexible and in the flow, however a year feels like a long time to me, and until there is a ring it just doesn’t feel real to me.

     I just kinda thing that if a guy REALLY wants to marry a gal, he will FIND a way.

     No excuses.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:23pm

143. 143: Dancing Siren says:

     When we were talking I told him I appreciate that he wants to make it right, and I don’t really care about grand gestures and expensive rings, I care more about just being happy and committed together. That it didn’t matter to me too much how he asks me.

     I DO feel a sense of urgency, IF I stay in exactly that situation, living together and feeling as though I am ‘waiting’ even though I have a lot else going on.

     When I left this evening he asked why I was going.

     And I said cus it felt bad for me to stay in that situation.

     He asked me what it meant and I said I don’t know.

     He was incredulous that I was going to stay at my Mum’s even though he had explained the logical reasons that he has not asked me.

     He said he loves me and I said I love you too.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:28pm

144. 144: Femininewoman says:

     he wants it to be special – This is so typically masculine.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:28pm

145. 145: Sassy says:

     Dancing Siren,

     Is it possible he got too “comfortable” with you living with him
     and that he doesn’t need to make the extra effort?
     This isn’t a judgement about living together, just a question.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:30pm

146. 146: Dancing Siren says:

     And he has been so generous, paying for pretty much everything, and I know he doesn’t mind.

     And I do feel a bit bad.

     However paying for stuff doesn’t take away from that fact that we had agreed a ring by Xmas.

     And I don’t know if I am getting too hung on having a ring… he is a good man.

     And he was in his last relationship for 7 years!!!!! With no marriage or engagement, so I feel really afraid of time just drifting on…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:35pm

147. 147: Dancing Siren says:

     Sassy,

     Yes, that is what I think/feel too.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:37pm

148. 148: Femininewoman says:

     Sassy that kinda struck me as blocking abundance from flowing in, for some reason. What I use as part of my meditation is “success and prosperity flows toward me in a river of abundance”. Abundance is all around me. I am a money magnet. I am blessed and rich beyond my wildest dreams.

     To name a few. I play around with words to see what resonates with me.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:44pm

149. 149: Femininewoman says:

     Dancing Siren did you ever get Reconnect Your Relationship? I am pretty sure in there Rori discourages women from moving in with men.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:45pm

150. 150: Dancing Siren says:

     Hello Feminine Woman,

     It has been a long time!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:46pm

151. 151: Dancing Siren says:

     FW yes I have got it.

     I said no several times over time before I agreed.

     And I thought that the marriage was agreed (as in marriage on the table) so I decided to say yes.

     I knew it was a risk, and I thought that the odds were high he would follow through.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 2:49pm

152. 152: Smile says:

     Hi dancing siren!

     I just read this in my email before I came on the blog and thought it might be helpful to you. The email was’tirwd of waiting for him to commit, you have a lot more options than being patient and giving him time’

     A. Dear Jennie,

     You don’t say whether you are living together, or if marriage has ever come up. So I’ll answer this in general terms.

     Relationships move forward. They move along down the road – from dating to exclusivity, to engagement, to marriage. If they don’t move forward, they stall.

     At seven years, you are stalled. My guess is, he doesn’t want to lose you. But the question I have for you is – if he can’t or won’t commit, will you leave?

     Before you can speak from your heart at all, before you can even talk about commitment with him, you have to at least be able to talk to yourself about it.

     You don’t have to leave, but you have to BE ABLE TO. And then, you have not just one choice, or two – but you have many, many choices. All of a sudden, you can MAKE choices. You’ll stop feeling helpless and desperate and angry, and start feeling powerful. Which you are. Very powerful.

     The Vibe That Brings Him Closer – Forever

     This is what my friend who stayed with her man 5 years before he proposed was able to do. She was able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.

     She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation.

     He just, finally, realized he wanted to love a woman and be loved by a woman, and he finally realized that it was her. He always knew it was her – he just needed to take his time.

     She never got angry. She never got suspicious or distrustful. Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.

     And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.

     You can do it, too. Even if you’ve felt, or you’re feeling now, helpless because you love him, you can do this. We’re talking here about the Rori Raye Third Way – and how you can stay in a relationship as long as you’re able to leave!

     How Do You Know When To Leave Or Stay?

     The answer to that is in your feelings.

     It’s about what you want and how what he’s offering fits into what you want. It’s about making a choice to be at the mercy of one man, or to have your choice of men.

     It’s about making a choice to put your life on hold and “wait” for him as long as he wants you to, or to take your life in your own hands and “date” him for as long as YOU want.

     Because, one thing’s for sure: When you’re “waiting,” the choice you’re making is to NOT make a choice. Your choice is to give up your choices.

     When you “wait,” you’re letting HIM choose how YOUR life goes. You’re putting your life in HIS hands. You’re saying you have no options but to wait.

     And it’s not his fault:

     He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s just doing what he feels like doing
     He isn’t thinking about your future, or what’s good for you
     He figures that you, just like him, are where you are because that’s where you want to be
     He figures that if you’re waiting around for him, you’re doing it because that’s all you have going
     I used to blame my “boyfriend” for “leading me on.” But it wasn’t his fault.

     He might have been taking advantage of my “waiting,” but, he didn’t even see it as taking advantage. He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was. He wasn’t about to take responsibility for my feelings.

     “After all,” he thought, “she’s a grown-up.”

     And after all, he wasn’t out-and-out lying to me. He thought I was waiting because I wanted to wait. But that wasn’t what it felt like to me. To me, I never saw that I had a choice.

     Have You Ever Felt That?

     Like you’re at the mercy of your feelings for him, and then at the mercy of your feelings of helplessness and anger?

     And it just doesn’t have to be that way. Just looking at a man’s point of view – doesn’t it make you want to scream at him – “Can’t you see I’m sick of waiting for you?”

     Even though we know he’d just stare at us, puzzled. “What?” he’d say. “I told you I wasn’t ready – this was YOUR decision,” he’d say.

     And all we can do is stare back. We know he’s right. And we hate him for it. And we still don’t know what to do.

     “Give him time,” is what everybody says to us. Friends, family.

     And some say “Dump him right now.” And it sounds like good advice, but how do we just… leave? After all the time we’ve invested?

     What Happens When We Get All Wrapped Up In Him

     The weird thing is, sometimes we get totally invested right off. Even after just a date or two.

     Ever happen to you? Where you know instantly that “he’s” the one? And then we just hang on, convinced that we can convince him to know it, too?

     The thing is, men often DO know when they’ve met their “one.” (Even though it’s often hard for us to tell by the way they act and talk, and sometimes it scares us off just to think it might be true.)

     And that’s just one more reason why “waiting” is such a bad idea. If we just hang around, waiting when a man is stalled – he just loses interest in us, bit by bit, day by day.

     How can that be?

     It’s so unfair, because we’re TAUGHT to be patient. We’re taught to be understanding. We’re taught to know that men need “time” and “space.”

     When, really, giving a man “time” and “space” while we “wait patiently” for him is like shoving him out the door. It’s like putting a sign around our neck that says: “I’m waiting for YOU.”

     We close down our hearts to all other men. We spend our time thinking about HIM. We WAIT.

     The Problem With Waiting

     The problem with waiting is not what it does to him – though it affects him about as negatively as anything we can possibly do.

     The problem is what it does to US. Waiting says to the world: My life is on hold for this man. It says to the world: I don’t think much of myself, I have nothing worthwhile to do, there are no men who are interested in me besides this one, so I’m waiting for HIM.

     And what that looks like to the world, and to HIM, is a lack of self-esteem. It looks like insecurity and neediness.

     So – how do you wait a reasonable length of time for a man to make up his mind about you without looking like you’re waiting?

     The simple answer is: You don’t wait. Not ever. If you’d like to hear my voice helping you round-the-clock to turn your love life around, helping you lift your self-esteem so that you can give a man whatever time he needs without “waiting” for him, listen to my Heart Connection Toolkit:

     Get The Tools
     Okay – is it shocking to you, this idea of never waiting for a man? Does it seem impossible? Does it seem hard to figure out?

     When you’re first trying anything, it feels a bit strange. Changing anything about the way you think or speak will feel strange at first. But, it’s not hard.

     And once you try it, you’ll feel so much stronger and you’ll get such stunning results with the man you want, it’ll feel easier than anything you’ve ever done before.

     So, if you aren’t waiting…

     How do you stay with the relationship in case it actually does go somewhere?

     There’s a way to do it. There’s a way to let a man know you’re looking for a commitment and still give him time to commit, without waiting.

     Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? But it’s not. Because waiting isn’t about time, it’s about what you DO with that time.

     “Waiting” is putting your life on hold. But, letting a man take as much time as he wants to make a decision about what he wants in the relationship doesn’t have to be about putting your life on hold!

     So, How Do You Wait Without Waiting?

     How do you handle it when a man really does need more “time”? First – here are some things to NOT do:

     Don’t PRETEND you’re busy, unavailable or that you don’t care. Pretending will work completely the OPPOSITE of how you want it to work.

     Instead, you have to BE busy and unavailable. And you have to CARE. And the person you have to care about most is YOU. This means, you care how you live your life. You care if you have fun or not.

     You care if dates get broken, if he doesn’t get to you in time for a weekend date, or takes you for granted.

     And you care that if you open your heart to him, he treats it very, very well.

     To do this, use my Tools:

     Date other men, or at least Date Yourself
     Touch objects and really sense what you’re feeling – this helps you connect with your feminine energy, which is very attractive to a man
     Make up some rules and boundaries for yourself, and learn to speak to him from your heart
     Practice saying to yourself what it is you want and don’t want: For instance, that you don’t want to be a “girlfriend” much longer, that because you desire to be married, you’d appreciate knowing what he sees ahead for you, and that you don’t want to close down all your options while he’s taking all the time he needs
     Basically, that you will never put your life on hold for any man, and that you are not a woman who “waits.”

     You are a woman who “lives.”

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

153. 153: Dancing Siren says:

     Thank You Smile.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:13pm

154. 154: Dancing Siren says:

     I pretty much know what I have to do.

     I need to stay at my Mum’s for a bit, keep working on my own stuff, getting my financial situation straightened out takes priority right now, and just take super good care of myself.

     I need to have fun and at least date myself.

     I will remain open to him, and it might be better for me not to live with him anymore, unless he proposes with a ring.

     I was thinking maybe take it back to more of a ‘courting’ scenario.

     I just read another old Rori post to Nancy, who was in a similar position a few years ago, and she used this in her speech “I will be sexually exclusive with you but that is all”. I like that, and I can see myself using that.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:18pm

155. 155: Sassy says:

     FW,

     I like those, and I’ve no doubt they will work for you.
     I look at the saying I gave as (what the Secret and LOA say to do) believing I’ve already received and knowing and feeling the feeling of never being in “need” of money.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:19pm

156. 156: Sassy says:

     Dancing Siren,

     Is it just the requirement/desire to have the ring, or do you want a specific date set?
     Just feeling curious here, I’ve missed you!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:21pm

157. 157: Femininewoman says:

     Dancing Siren that’s great to read. You know best and if I were you I would follow my intuition.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:24pm

158. 158: Dominique says:

     Dancing Siren – I feel so happy for you how beautifully things have turned around with this man, and I feel dismay at the inflexibility, the not going with the flow and what is. One year is not a long time. It’s a very, very short time. And he’s only very newly sober.

     I understand your feelings of disappointment, and this is what happens when you hold onto expectations and an agenda.

     Can you try to relax around this? Can you try to be more in the moment, give this man and the relationship a chance?

     xxoo

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:27pm

159. 159: Dancing Siren says:

     Sassy,

     I felt tearful when I read your post.

     It feels good to be missed

     Good question.

     I would like both.

     I do want a date, however I understand that the practicalities of that are a little more tricky, weddings take money.

     So I would feel fine with a ring for now.

     To me that symbolises an intention. It shows me and everyone he means it. It feels like a ‘real’ commitment.

     It sounds weird and that could tide me over for several months, until things are more settled, and then I would want a date.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:35pm

160. 160: Dancing Siren says:

     Dominique.

     I totally get what you mean. And I have feelings of dismay around my inflexibility too!

     And on the other hand I feel too disappointed and too ‘intense’ in the current situation as it is.

     I think I could relax, if we were not living together and I was out living my life a bit more.

     I know about not having expectations, however I don’t know how this is possible when I negotiated exclusivity on the agreement that marriage was on the table.

     I feel unsure what to do.

     I thought 1 year was a long time in Rori terms?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:40pm

161. 161: Dancing Siren says:

     I feel confused.

     I feel willing to be open to re-defining the relationship again, and to relax and go with the flow, but ultimately marriage IS what I want.

     And it makes it all feel too urgent with the living together and total exclusivity as though we were married.

     He said recently if there was ever any hint of ‘cheating’ that was it for him, and that includes texts and phone calls with other people! (We were talking about the subject of cheating at the time). I am not sure where that would leave things if I started to CD!

     Also, I HATE that his ex is still around, and I think wants to get back with him, and as I am living at his I have to see her every time she picks up and drops off the dog.

     I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I definitely don’t want to sleep with anyone else, but I need to find a way to take the pressure off and feel, as much for myself as anyone, that I am open to other options, that I am not tied in until I am married.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:47pm

162. 162: Dominique says:

     I don’t know Dancing Siren how Rori truly thinks about this, for as you know she was with her husband longer than this before they married and so was I. Though she wanted marriage, and I felt ambivalence.

     One year is not a long time, especially with the extenuating circumstances.

     I understand you wanting to not be there right now, and this is not a negative, but I don’t want you to push a potentially wonderful thing away.

     I think you know all of this and have or are considering it.

     You’re feeling thrown a bit, yes? So you can reassess and renegotiate, first with yourself.

     xxoo

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:53pm

163. 163: Francesca says:

     Dancing Siren, one year is not a long time for a man.

     I totally agree with what Dominique said.

     And you’ve been struggling financially.

     A man’s pride can be crushed because of lack of money.

     Your man might feel like he can’t fill the shoes you’re asking him to wear now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t at least be more opened to his timeline.

     I keep thinking of Flowerchild and how she missed out on something special because she waited…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:55pm

164. 164: Dominique says:

     And what’s wrong with being tied in and committed without the marriage…yet?

     I think the older you are, the longer it takes to REALLY get to know each other, who you really are under there, and you need the time to begin healing in each other’s presence.

     I see nothing wrong with living together, and in fact I encourage it. You will know soon enough if the man is becoming complacent. You will feel it

     xxoo

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 3:57pm

165. 165: Dancing Siren says:

     Dominique,

     Thank You because those words feel soothing.

     No I don’t want to push away a potentially wonderful thing. And the circumstances ARE extreme and not standard.

     And I feel worried that he will take it as me pushing it/him away, which is actually NOT my intention.

     I see very well why it would be great to relax and go with the flow a bit more in this particular situation AND I STILL feel loads of fear around it never coming to fruition. The fact that he was with his ex for so long with no marriage actually puts the frighteners on me. AND also the fact that she is still very much around and will be for the foreseeable future. I just think that if we are not married, then there it is really no different from the imaginary relationship they had.

     These are the underlying issues for me. That I am negotiating.

     Yes gently negotiating with myself first feels good.

     And slowing myself down.

     And there is anxiety too around leaving it ‘bad’ with me having walked away.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:01pm

166. 166: Dancing Siren says:

     Hmmm,

     I did think that Rori discourages living together unless you have the commitment that you want.

     Also, I do think that he has become a little complacent. I could feel that.

     Not in a big way, and I have big fear around this so it is kind of hard to separate the normal everyday living together kind of ok-ish complacency with the ‘relationship on the rocks’ alarm bells type of complacency.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:10pm

167. 167: Dancing Siren says:

     Dominique re 162,

     Isn’t that the Girlfriend Trap?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:13pm

168. 168: Vi says:

     Dancing Siren, my inner goddess thinks that You rock!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:18pm

169. 169: Dancing Siren says:

     Everything just feels so pressured and so tense right now.

     And actually it’s not even about the ring, or the wedding, although I do want those, it’s about the happily ever after.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:20pm

170. 170: Dancing Siren says:

     Vi,

     Thank You.

     xx

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:20pm

171. 171: Dominique says:

     Not necessarily Dancing Siren in re: 165. As you just said, every situation is different. I was with K for ten years before getting married, and was in anything but a girlfriend trap.

     I feel a release in you in these words – “These are the underlying issues for me. That I am negotiating.

     Yes gently negotiating with myself first feels good.

     And slowing myself down.”

     The rest is fear and being in your head too much.

     We can all become complacent at times, yet from all you say about how this man has been stepping up, this sounds so far from it.

     xxoo

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:25pm

172. 172: Dancing Siren says:

     Thank You.

     Yes, I feel a lot of fear right now.

     And a lot of pressure.

     Feeling tearful now.

     I am going to go to bed in a minute.

     But just sitting here for now.

     I want to talk to him and it’s not the time yet. I need to step back and take care of myself for now.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:30pm

173. 173: Dancing Siren says:

     Well I am typing on my new laptop and that feels super exciting!

     I set it up all on my own!

     And tomorrow I will install word so that I can do lots of writing.

     Bedtime for some sleep first though.

     It would be nice to see him tomorrow but I will see (we may be working together).

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:34pm

174. 174: Tam says:

     Tereana – thank you!!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:51pm

175. 175: Tam says:

     Urgh. I have an urge to reach out to Curly and why?
     My friends are sabotaging me because they like him. Hallelujah. At last a guy they like. And I pushed him away. My friend’s husband said ‘well, for sure now he feels rejected and remember, the guy has never been married and had to deal with a lot of rejection because I gather he tried. Now you back-tracked, he thought you were an item and you put him back in his place, well I am not saying that you didn’t do what’s right for you, but if I was him I would also move on now most probably’.
     Eeek. The man’s perspective.
     Well, whatever.
     There were too many red flags and reaching out would probably just prolong the misery. Mind you, he did treat me very well and I felt like a queen when I was with him.
     I dunno.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 4:55pm

176. 176: Daria says:

     If I was more fem, id be like, how cute, he’s stretching

     I’m like babe, mm I don’t feel paid attention to

     Well if I felt like big mama earth id be like how cute he’s stretching

     This is good . What it is abt dating guys to build attraction, it puts me in the position to speak abt the things that are blocking attraction for me.

     Then That feels so scary !

     Then wen that goes well it Builds connection n attraction !

     Wow!

     And I can then be practiced in FM for things I thought I had to be direct with too… Like

     Like if a guy I like is touching me wrong,

     I’d be like ‘touch me here’

     And feel ‘cool’ that in playing the script from a movie or wherever I heard that said

     Well

     ‘gimme that’
     Mite be a turn on,

     But wat about
     Instead of commands make my scripts poetic like

     ‘Mmm ur dick wd feel so good inside my juicy watermelon pussy’

     Ok why at the first time I thought of a script it sounded better…

     Ooh it wd feel so good to have your hand inside my panties

     I’m back in the zone!

     I’m getting it!

     Yes!

     Practicing w the ‘frogs’ gets me to own up to my own judgements of what makes them frogs…. In front of them !

     And share in feelings and them bam the big fear and un changeable now tranforms

     And I feel so safe and bonded to have gone thru that w someone

     Next time a guy I Do like… Maybe even this one, now… Is kissing me..,

     Or touching me just not in the right spot

     I’ll be like less ‘touch me to the left’

     And more ‘Mmm baby you’re so close to this spot I like it wd feel so good to have you touch there’

     Yay !

     Chz now I feel safe and like I deserve it to express myself

     And it’s not making guys wrong or ‘crushing their egos’

     Those things DO happen exactly when I Dont talk abg it and wind up doing so under pressure… then it comes out in frustrated side remarks that are either crushing or blaming, since that’s what I’m thinking they’ll come across as

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:00pm

177. 177: Daria says:

     Thank u blog

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:01pm

178. 178: Daria says:

     I just realized this feels like a redo of Highschool Boyfriend !!!!

     Where I dumped him and felt do guilty for dumping my best friend

     Wow thus feels just like that, this time instead of dumping I’m going to speak about it!!!!!!

     Wow I feel like I’m healing it!

     Yay I’m getting to redo it in a better way with this !

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:03pm

179. 179: Femininewoman says:

     Dancing Siren I just remembered Virginia Feingold-Clark. It’s Never Too Late to Marry. She wanted marriage and it seemed after several years she made it clear to him that she was ready to walk away.

     I took some of what he said about other men as a threat to you. It didn’t feel good to read to me.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:05pm

180. 180: Daria says:

     Memulo – honestly for me and for many women (to me this wd include you) I don’t think a

     ‘I fell in love he fell in love’ scenario would workout

     This is because I know from my past patterns I’m attracted to toxic men. Men who are not able or willing to be the life partner I want.

     So when men are showing up for me , pursuing me consistently and demonstrating many relationship qualities…

     I work on building My attraction and ability to receive love.

     by opening up to him I learn to open up to other men like him who can do relationship.

     I’m likely not attracted to him/them now because of my fear of intimacy… So learning not to run away and instead speak things I’ve been in the past afraid to – about why I don’t feel turned on… For example

     Feels so exciting for me!

     I feel like I’m mining my own tunnel and I hear hollow on the other side… I’m bout to break thru into choosing men I can marry !

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:13pm

181. 181: Tam says:

     Wow Daria, that makes sense.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:19pm

182. 182: Daria says:

     Dancing Siren I love the way you’re handling this. At first I was like whoa why’d she go to her moms house. (my masculine thinking)

     But then the more I read the more I just wanted to worship you and chase after you . (attraction)

     I feel email excited reading how umyoure handling this. You feel like a princess who inspires everyone to treat themselves with a higher level of integrity.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:25pm

183. 183: Daria says:

     I am so glad how u staying at your moms now

     Interesting was how my first thought was – stuff your feelings, you said ok and said you understood n he explained it, so why are you still acting w Drama

     But what’s actually happening is totally rockin the boat and turning and transforming the entire situation on your favor in a way that honors everyone

     Omg it feels amazing

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:27pm

184. 184: Daria says:

     Men get complacent! Ong I’m seeing it!

     I constantly got to find ways to ‘use’ them bec they want to be Used!

     Yay!

     

     This feels great

     Abd I can relax too and they’ll think their own ways.
     But complacent behavior means he’s bored I’m asking too little hehe

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:29pm

185. 185: Miss Bells says:

     Wow! Interesting weekend.
     I went to the music event all dressed up and hung out with a bunch of old friends and the musicians that were in the day’s line-up.
     HS said he was coming, but I hadn’t talked with him for a day or two. I was coming down the stairs in the middle of the afternoon, back to the covered outdoor beer garden, and he was at the bottom of the stairs.
     I was surrounded by guys who were chatting me up, but I made a space for him near me. We had fish and chips and a bit of wine.
     Around 5 he wanted to go. I said just couch-surfing didn’t feel good to me, but if he were inviting me to dinner that would be great.
     I didn’t want to drive so we left my car.
     We went to his house, which still feels like home to me, and ate ravioli and listened to music by the fire, than watched Madmen.
     After a while I went and lay down on the comfy couch.
     He came over and hugged me and kissed me for a bit. He said I could sleep with him, that he would’t jump my bones, but I stayed on the couch.
     In the morning we had breakfast and I got a ride back to the car.
     He is talking about taking me somewhere. That was always a sticking point with me–the travel thing. I don’t pursue that line of conversation. I don’t want him to just think about it–I want him to bring me the whole package as a done deal.
     He has become truly affectionate. We may go out on Tuesday.
     I have lunch with a POF guy on Tuesday.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:31pm

186. 186: MovingMagic says:

     I have a male friend who has his share of feminine energy. He uses feeling messages so easily, & says things like “yumm” when he’s feeling turned on. At the same time he’s also very masculine, & treats me like a lady. It’s a bit of a balance.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:40pm

187. 187: Emerson says:

     183 miss bells
     Very interesting indeed! And I LOVE how you have a pod date on Tuesday. I felt empowered reading your chain of events…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:50pm

188. 188: Memulo says:

     Daria,
     I hear you and not sure I agree. The ability to have a relationship is important but it’s only one of the necessary traits in a partner. I learned from my past that when I have to force myself into liking someone, something is fundamentally wrong, otherwise it would have happened already. This is me. But I actually trust myself on this. I think you have to know yourself well to make the decision of why feelings do or do not grow. It can be like you said the lack of excitement swings or it can be a real significant reason.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:53pm

189. 189: Daria says:

     Memulo – sorry abt that coming out patronizing

     I don’t want to communicate that way

     Itd feel good to connect…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 5:58pm

190. 190: Daria says:

     Memulo – I agree with you, when I feel like I force myself to like someone it does not turn out to be a match.

     Unfortunately it doesn’t turn out to be a match I force myself either

     Here for me it’s learning how to go from forcing myself to expressing.

     To heal the habit of stuffing.

     There’s no need to force myself to anything… Or be with this guy

     There IS a pressing need to be authentic and express myself so I can feel intimacy w this ofher being……..Or else force myself to endure stuffing feelings yet another date…….. Or never pick up the phone and feel what I feel after that

     I think the fear you soeak abt is It’s not that it will not work out with this guy. It’s the fear that it might.

     Because if it doesn’t work out, how could it ?

     I won’t say yes to a marriage I don’t want.

     But why would I run away from a guy before sharing the truth – why is it such a big deal to talk about it ? —/ that’s my stuff and that’s gona keep me from getting close to any guy

     So I want to just stay here receive and communicate.

     There’s nothing he can do to hurt me, so why would I tell him to go away instead of tell him how I’m feeling ?

     No one says I Have to feel turned on … If I feel turned off… I cAn share that with him also

     Maybe he will really be able to fix it.

     ********

     Or maybe he won’t. Abd then what. This is what the women are afraid of.

     What did their dad do?

     Blame them?

     Get angry?

     Leave them? Abandon them and tell them it was their fault?

     **£*

     I feel afraid hell leave me and blame and say I’m cold and a user and mean abd why didn’t I tell him before abd I’m selfish and not nice.

     ……

     And if he goes so what?

     He really wouldn’t be a good match indeed….

     What of he does something else?

     Something j don’t know

     Sobering I never experienced

     And thus ‘issue’ fades away like nothing ? And I feel good ?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:14pm

191. 191: Daria says:

     It’s not that it will work out with him.

     It’s that it doesn’t workout with the ones I like.

     So I will learn to like him/any man. Really like him, not just sorta like him.

     This is what Rorys stuff is about: women can grow their own attraction

     I’m training myself to be attracted to men who candi relationships.

     The way I trained myself to be attracted to men w long hair.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:18pm

192. 192: Tam says:

     Interesting Daria. Instead of expressing, I chose to run. Maybe this is why I feel weird now.
     Hm
     Old pattern.
     My record seems stuck. Bummed.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:21pm

193. 193: Miss Bells says:

     I am going about it the opposite way–Find a man who can do relationships that I also am organically attracted to. There are LOTS of good men that are able to commit. Some of them MUST also smell right, have the right inflections, be just a LITTLE bit bad, and the other things I am naturally attracted to. The odds are in my favor.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:30pm

194. 194: k2012 says:

     I have a question. If circular dating includes interaction with men, does this mean that talking to guys online count? Last night I was talking to a guy from my high school days on facebook. I am going to link up with other guys from my high school days online too. When u flirt with them, is that considered circular dating? I would really appreciate your answer tonight, ladies. Thanks.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:37pm

195. 195: Miss Bells says:

     I personally count any interaction where I am in the game and flirting and watering down the influence that any ONE man (who has not committed to me) holds over me.
     I can go ahead and LOVE HS. I can spend time with him. I can know that he loves me.
     But until he makes a solid commitment, I will interact with other men in such a way that they know I could be available, and I could possibly be interested in them. The door to other men is left open.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:46pm

196. 196: Rori Raye says:

     JoAnne – so sorry – and there’s really nothing you can do from this distance. Try my ebook and see if you can learn some new tools from there to help you when he comes back (or, perhaps he’ll call you!) Love, Rori

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 6:59pm

197. 197: Memulo says:

     Yes K2012, even if you make an eye contact with a stranger it’s CD;)

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:04pm

198. 198: Emerson says:

     192 miss bells
     I like what you had to say here

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:09pm

199. 199: Memulo says:

     Daria, it makes sense. I want it all and now, like K2012;) someone interesting and capable of relationships!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:12pm

200. 200: Emerson says:

     BlueCD has poofed …no word since New Year’s Day. I’m leaning back of course. Feeling a bit pouty about it like hmmmphhh!!!! Cuz I don’t have any REAL CDs to fall back on.

     I sent a friendly email to textcd and he texted me back a pic of him with his new girlfriend. Omg wtf… The. Asked me to come over and hang out with them. No thanks and wtf!?!?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:17pm

201. 201: Memulo says:

     I wonder how this silence ruins what was left of the connection.. I don’t believe it helps, somehow not in my case. Maybe it’s because I was so silent in that relationship. And also -did he really find the girl of his dreams.. she can’t be that different from me. More assertive for sure and not self-supressed ‘following the right rules’, probably younger. But he actually was attracted to who I am, he had a lot of respect for me. That’s before I panicked and complained about my problems of course.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:19pm

202. 202: Memulo says:

     I have this feeling now of being very confident with men. They can’t shake me. If they/do things I don’t like I respond calmly with sesnse of humor and a feeling of my power. I have a lot of power, so much that I don’t even want to excercise it all

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:27pm

203. 203: k2012 says:

     Hey miss Bells -195, u got that one right 199- memulo I want someone who is capable of relationships. I feel lonely. I am talking to the guy online now. But I feel a bit fearful.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:28pm

204. 204: Memulo says:

     Emerson we all fall in these wholes of no CD’s once in a while, just be sure it will pass;)

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:30pm

205. 205: Emerson says:

     I feel desperate and frowny faced. I feel like the one who was “not picked”…. In work situations I’ve been “picked” bit in relationships I am picked momentarily but not permanently… I want to flip this and I want to be the one doing the picking bit reality is that may not be true….
     I also read that men prefer to marry brunettes and just “have fun” with blondes and maybe I should dye my hair brown. I’m a natural blonde, I’ve been told i look like Rebecca demornay…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:30pm

206. 206: Memulo says:

     Emerson they can dye their hair if they want;) natural once is so pretty!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:33pm

207. 207: Emerson says:

     Thanks memulo!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:34pm

208. 208: Memulo says:

     K2012 you never saw or heard from the guy who disappeared in you after a year?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:35pm

209. 209: Emerson says:

     I want.a man who is safe and strong …. Who I feel safe and confident with! I miss that feeling so much. I’ve had it twice in my life but it didn’t last.
     Oh I miss being full of confidence and hope!!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:40pm

210. 210: Vi says:

     I feel triggered by a compliment to how I look. I feel tense and almost like crying and want to escape. I feel stiff in my face. I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. It feels like a taboo. It feels like a burden – stiff shoulders, bent forward upper back. It feels like I want to hide something – bury it under a carpet, anywhere; or tell a lie that I don’t have it or at least it’s not mine… aww my natural beauty feels unheard. Noticing that feels like a relaxed forehead. And the thought feels like mouth corners turned down… It also feels like warmth in the eyes. It feels like a dark spot on my heart. I love my heart. I love the dark spot on it. I love my sensations… The thought feels like heavy eyelids. which feels pleasant. Warmth and heaviness feel moving down the jawline leaving the jaw and tongue and lips relaxed and then down the throat and it feels soothing and the throat feels warm and smooth. Warmth covers my collar bones and shoulders and reaches my heart and wraps it and this dark spot and it feels soothing too… My chest feels relaxed. It feels safe. It feels good to slow down and attend to a dark spot on my heart. Sigh. It feels so good to breathe…And it feels like a smile on my face. I love me.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:51pm

211. 211: Emerson says:

     I want to meet someone new….
     I want fun and adventure…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 7:51pm

212. 212: Emerson says:

     210 ((Vi))

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:24pm

213. 213: Vi says:

     Hey Emeron Hugs feel good, thank you!

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:33pm

214. 214: Indigo says:

     I feel so proud of myself.

     I will write more about this later, but for the first time in a long time I have felt completely GOOD about the D situation for a week now, no matter what happens.

     *Sigh* this work is so hard, but so worth it

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:37pm

215. 215: Vi says:

     I intend to focus more on the relationship with my body. I want it to feel heard and good about herself and loved and attended by me. I could hug myself not only when I notice I feel down.. I could give myself foot massage or apply cremes more often .. like hey I am here for you, how does it feel?.. It feels good even just thinking of it.. and a little ashamed too. I love my shame! I love my body too. I could apply some creme on my hand right now and see how my hand feels.. I love my body tightness. Maybe I could love my body softness too..

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:48pm

216. 216: k2012 says:

     208-Memulo. No my dear I didn’t hear from him at all. He wished me happy birthday on my profile (that’s not contacting me directly. I didn’t respond to him. He called from a calling card two times but hang up before I could answer the phone so we haven’t spoken from he disappeared.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:55pm

217. 217: Luzydel says:

     Already told Newcd that I don’t want to date anymore; i really don’t. I want to focus 100 percent in me. I am a natural loner, so being alone and not dating won’t bother me at all. I am open to be his friend and be any mans friend, but no date… Dating is expectations, friend isn’t.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:59pm

218. 218: Vi says:

     I intend to literally be constantly in touch with myself I intend to do it 2 or 3 days from now and see how I feel…

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 8:59pm

219. 219: LoveAlways says:

     Hi Sirens:

     Sometimes, being “surprised” can feel like ouch! But it’s still within leaning back, feeling your feelings and letting the waves roll over you. Yeah, I needed a full blown mixture of tools tonight! I was still, felt my feelings and did not react based on my feelings. I felt them and kept it to myself and they I let my feelings, my true feelings guide my words. I felt anxious then disappointed and then sad. But after a few minutes I felt POWERFUL, solid and feminine. I was strong on the inside for real!! And I let that wave rock me back and forth and I flowed with it and I surprised both myself and him. I FELT him feel safe because I held that space for both of us at that hard hard oh so hard moment. It was amazing. Rori, you are dead on with your stuff and I love it that I get it now!! Love to you all.

     LoveAlways

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:02pm

220. 220: MovingMagic says:

     Thank you universe for the compliments on my dancing last night, & today. Thank you universe for reminding me to tap back into Abraham Hicks, & the power of thought. Thank you for support from friends & family. Yes, thank you, more please.

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 9:57pm

221. 221: CurvySiren10 says:

     (((Emerson))) love your honesty…

     Indigo- SO happy to hear this from you! Can’t wait to read what you’re going to write.

     Memulo- I personally don’t believe your ex guy is with the girl of his dreams right now because I don’t believe he was ready AT ALL or emotionally available for a relationship. He had way too much marriage & kid drama going on and I honestly don’t believe it had anything to do with you, or your financial issues. The “right” guy in the “right” situation wouldn’t flinch about any of that. He just wasn’t ready….

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:11pm

222. 222: Tereana says:

     Emerson – lol. You wrote to Miss Bells that she had a “pod date” coming up. Teehee! I was wondering – what’s a pod date????
     And then I realized – it was a POF date. Lol

     Miss Bells, you sounds relaxed, and clear about your boundaries. It’s going to work out well one way or another!

     K2012 – definitely, flirting & communicating with guys anywhere is CDing. To me, even talking with women can be CDing sometimes. Like when I’m thinking about a guy, but then I call a girlfriend instead and have a nice long girly chat. It’s not “flirting,” but it’s dating myself, in that it’s taking care of me, and taking the focus off him.

     But if you’re looking for an excuse to lean forward and reach out to lots of guys, maybe you can resist that urge. In order to CD properly and practice leaning back, you’d have to let them find you..,otherwise, you are just practicing leaning forward…

     does that make sense?

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 10:48pm

223. 223: Emerson says:

     Lol pod date

     Sunday, 6 January 2013 @ 11:43pm

224. 224: Scarlet says:

     Hi Glowstix (75)

     Thanks for that. I think you are so right. It is up to me to set the boundary for what sort of arrangement I like to have. He has been coming over when he wants to, after spending afternoons/evenings with mates. And I have allowed it. As I said it’s summer and hot here and we’ve all been on holidays so it’s common to be at the beach until early hours of the morning. That all has to stop this week because I am back at work, but I fear I have set up (or at least allowed) a pattern that I am going to have to break.

     Today he text me and asked if he could come over. I asked him what time and the next text was about him having a migraine and he was going to have a little sleep. I interpreted that as an “out” if he doesn’t want to come; also a bit of discomfort perhaps because I was asking him to be accountable with a time – something that I have not asked for in the last 3 weeks.

     Well, at least I hope that’s all it is. I am scared that he has pulled away from me. My anxieties are high as I have such a dreadful fear of abandonment.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:05am

225. 225: Dancing Siren says:

     Hi Daria,

     I am glad you feel inspired by what I chose to do.

     Yes at first I kept questioning myself too regarding my decision to go to my Mum’s. However what clinched it for me was that even though I understood logically his reasons, it still FELT bad. So I decided to go with that. Not to be mean or dramatic. But just to give myself some space and honour my own feelings. Get my bearings.

     Often these days I will stay and work things out in his presence because I trust him to be careful with my feelings, however this time I wanted some distance from a situation that through no one’s fault felt bad.

     We have spoken on the phone this morning.

     He told me his friend came over, the one he always used to get wasted with. But he said he chose NOT to do anything.

     I feel relieved and proud.

     I told him I do not want to break up, but we couldn’t talk much as his friend was still there.

     I will see him later.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:12am

226. 226: Dancing Siren says:

     Emerson,

     It’s so good to hear you still working the tools and riffing.

     I feel a change in your vibe, like you have turned a corner since I was on here before.

     Happy 2013 Lady. xx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:17am

227. 227: Sirenity says:

     Support for you Dancing Siren.. No I dont believe you are being “inflexible’ – you are the total opposite of that! You have a firm commitment to marriage and family and you are honouring your needs . That is NOT being inflexible.(Its over a year now).

     When I got engaged many years ago , my fiance asked me in order to snatch me up , he couldnt bear to let me go (i was CDing as he hadnt spoken for me and i was NOT his GF at the time) I had known him 8 months at the time , during much of which we were separated. I became his live in after the ring was produced (he sold a motor bike to buy it) and married a year after the proposal, at my request to get to know each other better.

     You are not having any “expectation” that wasnt in fact already promised to you. You were offered an engagement by Christmas and you dont feel good because he disappointed you without discussion and you now feel uncomfortable living with him??

     I think that is very fair and in fact you already showed great flexibility in accepting a man with alcohol issues and not giving up on him and really I feel so very thrilled that you are focussing on YOU and what feels right and what feels wrong for you!

     Yes there may be deeper issues and the failure to go forward in the relationship as had been discussed isnt the only issue here i am sure. That is yours to explore.

     Even if there isnt a ring , the right thing may have been if he had initiated a discussion at Christmas about the desire to have a beautiful proposal and ring and surprise you, and not left you thinking it was going to happen..over the holidays, and leave you in the cold.

     UUGGHH that feels bad to me to think you were waiting with happiness and joy and hope of a beautiful Christmas engagement (as had been already been discussed and as some other Sirens have enjoyed ) and there was no warning that things had changed.

     I also think that you KNOW inside what feels right and if you feel you need some space then there is probably good reason for that.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:25am

228. 228: Indigo says:

     Scarlet,

     I can relate SO much to what you are saying here, because I struggled with the same things in the same way as you when I was in a relationship.

     All I can say is that I learned the HARD way to breathe and lean back, and give him the benefit of the doubt, and failing that, enforce a boundary which I could stick to. Doing it this way takes the anxiety away.

     Hugs to you xx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:00am

229. 229: Indigo says:

     CurvySiren

     Thank you! Your encouragement means so much to me! xx

     Well, after turning D down to go and watch a movie on Friday night, I caved and said I would last night (Sunday) because I wanted to see him, and those extra 2 days had given me the space and the time to re-group and develop my inner power to the point that I felt I could handle it.

     Anyway, in the interim I was involved in a car accident on Saturday. I was not really hurt but my car may be a write-off. Anway, a CD (yay for CDing!) I was on the way to have lunch with came and rescued me.

     I phoned D, and texted him, but it later turned out his phone was dead. He was gutted when I told him about the accident last night that he couldn’t be there for me, which I know is true, and he has been a real star and very protective sorting out the insurance for me today.

     Anyway, I could tell he was evidently delighted to see me last night, but after some kissing and cuddling and getting some food, he was playing a game on his cellphone whilst he asked me to choose a movie I wanted to watch. I could tell he was slipping back into our old routine where I over-functioned and allowed too much, and was taking me for granted.

     I remembered what Mercedes had said when she had the problem with J when he was absorbed in playing computer games, and I thought she handled it in SUCH a rockstar way. So, I said sweetly, “I’m going to go home now.” I didn’t argue, I didn’t ask him to stop, I just gave him a kiss and headed for the door. He was totally bewildered and completely surprised, I could tell it was not what he was expecting from me at all. He said didn’t I want to stay and watch something? And I said sweetly, no, it seemed as if he was playing and that was fine and I was going to go.

     As I drove home I felt SO powerful in a wonderful, soft, feminine way. I thought, I can DO this no matter what the situation. I don’t need him, I can make myself happy. It felt so good. And I felt so proud of myself that I didn’t argue, just stood up for my boundary and went and took care of myself.

     

     As I said, he contacted me first thing this morning about the insurance and was quite sweet and protective.

     *Good sigh*

     I love this.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:26am

230. 230: Daria says:

     He said / Ima treat u lik a lady slash porn star slash prom queen slash my baby

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:31am

231. 231: Tam says:

     Indigo!! I like your post! You sound fantastic, considering car accident etc. You go girl!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:01am

232. 232: Indigo says:

     The best thing about this was not even anything he did or anything to do with him, it was how quickly I got to the I-love-myself place.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:05am

233. 233: Femininewoman says:

     ((((((IIndigo)))))))

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:06am

234. 234: Indigo says:

     Thank you so much Tam!!

     I have been following your posts with admiration too! Yay for how you stood up for your boundaries!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:06am

235. 235: Tam says:

     So no news from Curly and the urge to reach out has passed. Actually, no point. Go me!

     The friend of his who was chasing me has gone all silent after I told him the truth, which was that it feels a little weird as I had been dating Curly and although it seems we are not anymore, I would feel strange hanging out at the same places. (It seems he did not know. Lol.)

     Oh, and one of MrP and my common friends is in town for a couple of days. I have to navigate this as it is a possibility that we have a get-together. And to make this even more funny, we usually get together at a bar where Curly hangs out also. Too funny. I don’t think it is going to happen, this get-together, and in some ways I hope not, because I know when I see MrP it will be the ultimate test of how far I am. I also know when we meet, it will be ‘on’ again, absolutely no doubt about that, as that has always been the case. I can’t allow that to happen, the guy nearly drove me crazy, correction: I nearly drove myself crazy over the guy.
     I don’t want to see him.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:07am

236. 236: Indigo says:

     Thank you for the hug FeminineWoman xx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:07am

237. 237: Tam says:

     234 Aw, thank you Indigo..I am not all that good at standing up for my boundaries, it makes me feel cringey…maybe deep down I still believe I am ‘not worth it’? I don’t know.
     It’s a struggle, but I am winning

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:09am

238. 238: Tam says:

     Oh, very funny. I was walking in town/by the beach yesterday in teeny shorts and a lacy camisole, and yes, I did look like a little hottie and had lots of men eyeing me up and chatting me up (the power of dress…crazy).
     And then the shady guy from Curly’s house cycles by. Looks at me (he did not recognise me, as last time he saw me I was a bit frumpy and hair up). So I do a really sleep move, take my sunglasses off and wink at him and blow a ‘hiiiiiii’ his way. And as he just realised who I was, opened his eyes wide and was about to stop, I continue walking singing to my Ipod music. lalalalala. Muahahahahahahaaaaaa.
     Too funny.
     And then a ca 20 year old chatted me up.
     Dear Universe, are there men between 20 and 61?
     Going a bit crazy on the ages there. Come on, you can do better!!
     in short, I was romancing myself yesterday and it felt great!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:14am

239. 239: Tam says:

     sleep move= sleek move (hehe)

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:14am

240. 240: Femininewoman says:

     haha Tam!!! I love your vibe

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:46am

241. 241: Femininewoman says:

     Principles

     Don’t care too much and men will climb walls for me

     A woman is perceived to be offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has 100% hold on her

     It is my attitude about myself that a man will adopt

     Act like a prize and I will turn him into a believer

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:49am

242. 242: Tam says:

     Well, FW, it took me most of this year to get there and I am not having it sabotaged by any man. I get temporarily thrown off course but at the same time I still feel centered and it’s easy to get back to my equilibrium.
     Making myself happy and it’s pretty easy once I got the hang of it.
     Shame it took me so long … but that’s ok too!
     Life is good.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:52am

243. 243: Femininewoman says:

     Sirenity/Dancing Siren – I love your words to Dancing Siren. Just that I feel a little conflicted about “the right thing” to do. Thinking about being right or being happy. He made a promise that kinda built some expectations yes. Yet as an autonomous grown up human being he is entitled to change his mind without having to explain. I believe it would be great to focus on why the ring is so important, or even marriage is so important to you.

     I believe I would have gone back home also because the lead up to Christmas and beyond must have been internal intense with lean forward suspense and expectations. I also do believe that at these make or break moments it is good to step back and review our commitments to see if that is really what we want. If so the couple can move forward again with renewed purpose and devotion to each other. Knowing that they chose each other again. This to me is a deeper level of commitment.

     I respect what Dominique says but I do believe when we want marriage it is different just that we have to be aware of what we are putting importance on (marriage vs relationship). Sometimes we want to get married and have the big party but ultimately don’t want to BE married. Sometimes it is just peer/societal pressure and us living up to our parents expectations.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:01am

244. 244: Femininewoman says:

     No shame Tam. Nobody taught you or I how to do this. Also for the most part there were no role models.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:02am

245. 245: Tam says:

     Nope, no role models..I didn’t know how important that is. I once had a friend, a very close male friend say to me: ‘well, you had no good role models for life or relationships’. I got very angry, but he was quite right. The only role models I had was a deeply unhappy mother with mental issues (who expected everyone, including me, to make her happy but ultimately she never was), and a father who ran off with another woman….that was it.
     So no wonder it took me so long to recognise what’s going on inside me. No blame, just realisation.
     I feel happy though, happy to have more insight now. Most of all happy to be free from expectations that other people can ‘fix’ me or make me happy.
     I can make myself happy….this is such a relief.
     And other people can contribute and join me – or not. It really is all good and feels relaxing.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:10am

246. 246: Mercedes says:

     Indigo: “I didn’t argue, I didn’t ask him to stop, I just gave him a kiss and headed for the door. He was totally bewildered and completely surprised, I could tell it was not what he was expecting from me at all.”

     This is exactly the way it went for me! And I felt the same way you did. I felt so strong and so at peace with what I had done (in the past I would have probably felt guilty or something similar) and so so proud of myself for putting ME first! There was no blaming or arguing or complaining, I just put ME first and walked away.

     I’m so happy for you! Deciding to say “I want to be happy and I’m not happy in this moment so I’m taking charge of that and leaving.” is a beautiful, beautiful thing!

     (and I’m really happy you were not hurt in your accident! I hope everything works out okay with your car…)

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:54am

247. 247: k2012 says:

     Tereana, I hear u. I have taken notice of what u said re the circular dating. Suppose the guy who I am communicating with is married. I am not going to date him now. We are just chit chatting but I don’t want it him to get any impression that I am interested. He joked and said that I should send him some bikini pics so I joked and said “lol, I won’t send them. He said ok then, I will have to take them when I come in_________ . He is overseas and is a past schoolmate. Naturally I don’t want it to reach the stage where it is an affair. NO WAY. Of course circular dating is the journey I am embarking on into finding the right man. But because my schoolmate is married, I don’t want an emotional affair to start so if we start getting closer, it is strictly friendship, and it wouldn’t be a friends with benefits either. How do I ensure that it remains at friendship and don’t escalate into an emotional affair? That’s why I wanted to reach out to other guys which of course I thought was circular dating but u are saying to let them find me as that would be leaning forward. I need your advice Tereana and other ladies. Thanks a lot in advance. What a day when I find the right man who will propose to me and marry me. That will be a glorious day and I am looking forward to it. I am back at work now and just taking a break.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:57am

248. 248: CurvySiren10 says:

     Indigo- just have a moment but wow- I am so impressed with how you handled that situation. It was picture perfect. You held your boundary, didn’t blame or fuss… beautiful! That combined with your leaning back shows how you “get this” and are taking care of yourself…and carrying on, as you should be. I feel very happy to hear this and love how you share/express yourself here. xoxo hugs!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:02am

249. 249: Mercedes says:

     K2012: “How do I ensure that it remains at friendship and don’t escalate into an emotional affair?”

     It works pretty well to ask how his wife is and to ask if you’re going to get to meet her when he comes, ask if he has pictures of her on fb, etc. I would probably remind him that you know he is married and you haven’t decided to pretend his isn’t and show him that you care about how she is. A woman who shows concern for his wife will probably not feel like dating material to him. If he tries to go further after that, I would straight up say “I’m not interested in anything other than being friends. You are married.”

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:05am

250. 250: Annie says:

     Tam says.

     “It does not suit me to enter into any exclusivity agreement whilst I can’t see myself ever living with him…I see that as a waste of time for something not viable.
     Another one bites the dust.
     Sigh.”

     As an observer it feels Bizarre to me that someone would waste any of their precious time thinking, talking about and doing their best to work out why a man who they couldn’t see themselves living with due to deal breakers between them and not a viable option has now stopped moving forward. Isn’t that what we want to weed the wrong ones out so the right one can turn up?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:18am

251. 251: Goodheart says:

     Mel (from the previous post),

     I abolutely am drawn to your posts.

     I love when I see your name on here and I would miss you terribly if you went.

     You are an inspiring siren

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:23am

252. 252: CurvySiren10 says:

     Oh and so sorry about the car accident Indigo… believe it or not, that happened to me during the time I was not with my ex (who’s no longer my ex, lol) Very strange similarities between us, eh? Glad you are okay…

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:29am

253. 253: k2012 says:

     Mercedes, thanks so much for your advice. “High five” to u. I will make a note of your comments. I have a good male friend who is married who I went to university with. He liked me and we used to talk on the phone. He assisted me with moving house and did things that my own boyfriend at the time (not disappearing ex, but someone else) should have been doing. He hinted sometime before that, that he was interested. When I picked up, this is what I did-when he called sometime I didn’t answer. Sometime after he helped me move, he came right out and expressed interest. I told him no as I can’t deal with the issue of dating married men. That was before I became a christian. As a matter of fact, whether I am a christian or not, I will NOT date married men. So now we are good friends who talk on the phone, do instant message now and then. He carried somewhere to deliver a letter as I don’t drive. By his actions, it is clear that he has accepted the fact that we can only be just friends so he hasn’t said anything more. I even confided in him about disappearing ex. One has to be careful that when u have a married male friend, it remains that way-friendship and not escalate into an affair.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:37am

254. 254: Tam says:

     250 Annie, well, bizarre or not, in my case I am all for giving people a chance to explain themselves or communicate and working things out.
     If they fail to want the same as me then letting go.
     I don’t believe that having a rigid structure of dealbreakers and or unacceptable behaviours is going to help us when dealing with humans. I have yet to come across the perfect human being and I am not one myself.
     He had some pretty good qualities and tipping the baby out with the bathwater before having full facts and info and communication was one of the (sick) strategies I used to employ when I was unaware that I had fear of intimacy issues.
     I also see this whole thing as a communication failure on my part, as he had expressed that he would try to change behaviour alluding to one of my dealbreakers and instead of discussing it with him, I clammed up and didn’t speak.
     I am not the best one for giving advice but I do suggest that when we speak with harsh words about or with someone, that we are harsh to ourselves.
     Your words feel very harsh and critical to me.
     Maybe something to look at?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:43am

255. 255: Mercedes says:

     K2012: You are very wise. “High five” right back at you! I believe it is easier for men and women to become attracted when they are “just friends” than we think it is. For J and I, we do not have friends of the opposite sex (other than people we know from work who we never see outside of the office) that the other one doesn’t know personally. We don’t communicate with friends of the opposite sex over the phone or internet, etc.

     I don’t think it’s impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex (married or not) but for J and I, it feels better (safer and more secure) to share our friendships.

     I think people enter the danger zone when they are communicating with a member of the opposite sex and they’re not telling their significant other about it. If a person is friends with someone but they don’t tell their spouse/gf/bf about it, that’s treading into dangerous waters. If they are meeting this friend for food or drinks or coffee but they can’t be open about it with their love, that’s a dangerous situation. That’s why I suggest you bring up his wife and asking how she is, etc. It sort of brings her into your time with him…whether he wants her there or not.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:47am

256. 256: Tam says:

     I still have a lot of practising to do and a lot of trying to speak authentically, right man or wrong man – makes no difference.
     I get the theory, but the practice is actually difficult and feels very very hard to do.
     That is my lesson.
     Curly is not for me probably but that is beside the point.
     I once briefly dated a man with similar if not identical deal breakers. We were great friends also. At the time, I chucked him out because of those dealbreakers. Turns out that the next girl that came along tried harder. She was much like me except without fear…and she told him what she needed. Lo and behold, he stopped his habits, good a great job and within 3 years they were married and had a baby (‘eternal bachelor’ also). At the time I was totally amazed and thought ‘wow, I chucked the guy out and never even gave him the chance to change/prove himself’. He never knew about my dealbreakers. He was totally unaware.
     I feel sad when I think back on it…and I have just done the same thing again basically.
     This means that I have some way to go yet, nevermind about the man/men that may/may not have been the ‘right men’ for me. Who knows.
     The potential was there but I decided to let it go and not speak my truth. So I will never know.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:53am

257. 257: Tam says:

     I don’t mean she ‘tried harder’ as in trying. She just stood her ground and didn’t abandon the relationship prematurely.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:54am

258. 258: Lori says:

     Good morning, well, he called as he told me he would last Thursday. He wanted to know what the plan is for tomorrow night. He’s not feeling that great, run down and tired. I kept my voice soft, my attitude positive. He asked me to call him tomorrow to finalize the plans. Since he asked me to call, I will.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:13am

259. 259: Tam says:

     At the root of all this is that I am fundamentally happy by myself, and that whoever comes into my life has to be a pretty amazing person. I am not sure if this means that I am setting myself up for failure, expecting too much and most importantly expecting a man to already provide the perfect partner to me before I even give him the chance to show me what he is made of.
     Perhaps it is time to take a long hard look at what it is I really want. Do I want a relationship with all its perfect imperfectness and working at it? Or do I want to stay by myself and just have a lover/casual dates?
     I thought it was relationship that I wanted and now it seems that maybe, just maybe I ought to find out whether this is really true.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:21am

260. 260: BeLoved says:

     250

     Annie

     “As an observer it feels Bizarre to me that someone would waste any of their precious time thinking, talking about and doing their best to work out why a man who they couldn’t see themselves living with due to deal breakers between them and not a viable option has now stopped moving forward.”

     Relating this to my situation…it IS bizarre.
     This comment makes me wonder, what AM I thinking??
     I come to this job and feel so aggravated I literally feel like I want to stab somebody (not kill, just stab!)…and C is here, ready to dangle bait any time it seems my attention flags
     WHAT AM I THINKING?
     Do I not value my time more highly? Do I think I have forever? Do I not believe I can an do deserve better?
     I feel irritated.
     It feels so cumb, to be wasting time at this job.
     I tell myself, I’ll work out the outline for the workshop I’m creating during my free time at work, but the time I’m here, I feel so irritated and aggressive I just check out.
     The steady stream of thoughts come to a halt and become a disjointed mess when I put pen to paper
     then I decide, it’s better if I can hear myself talk out loud only…I don’t have an iPod to record myself anymore
     and
     round and round
     Do I think I have forever?
     I feel annoyed with myself.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:33am

261. 261: Starla says:

     So much more to update still about QZ

     He offered me everything I want — put it all on the table and we talked timelines and expectations…

     So! I’m now in an exclusive relationship with a man who believes I am the love of his life and just wants to impress me and take care of me and also be by my side through adventures and goals. With a man who doesn’t let jealousy poison things and can be very cool while I pursue belly dance and have guy friends and spend time with bands and stuff in our music scene, or time with ‘powerful’ people in politics.

     I spent many months thinking about our respective energies while we were broken up. Like, maybe he’s just more fem energy, and if I want him bad enough, I should come to terms with doing things like driving to his city, initiating contact more, making sure we see each other, be patient about him consistently and openly showing me he’s into me, etc. But now that he’s back and I’m actually willing to do those things, it turns out he’s not fem energy at all. He absolutely won’t LET me drive to see him, and he leaves absolutely no question in my mind about how crazy he is about me and only me, and how lucky he feels to be with me. He never misses an opportunity to show me support, give me love, or give me a thoughtful gift. He is SO INTO ME.

     And I know it’s the real deal because I now have everything I want, and I am actually QUESTIONING now if this is really what I want. It’s so real and tangible, that I can actually consider for a second, “wait! do i even want this?”

     It’s a trip. I actually feel like he’s coming on maybe just a tad too strong with the forever love stuff, hahahaha, can you believe that? What a shift!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:37am

262. 262: Tam says:

     Starla, that just sounds so amazing. I feel really surprised and very very happy for you!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:40am

263. 263: Starla says:

     Since we’re in a stable, safe-feeling committed relationship, I have no problem now just saying things like ‘i want to go to the museum!’ to him with intentions of ‘making it happen’ myself, no big deal… it’s all in the vibe and i know my vibe is good around ‘leading’ stuff, but HE WON’T LET ME! If I say something like ‘I want to go to the museum,’ he just says “oohh that’s a great idea; I’d love to take you.”

     go figure! this man is 150% masculine energy. He really thrives in it and does a great job.

     I think it helps that in my vibe there is no expectation of him to be this way, because I did decide that I was okay with letting more of my masculine energy out if necessary.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:41am

264. 264: Lori says:

     Hi Starla, I’m very happy for you. I would like to know what you did, or didn’t do, to bring about this change in him. I’m not sure if you have read any of my posts.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:42am

265. 265: Tam says:

     260 Beloved…you know what?
     You are great, and the reason why I did not like that ‘bizarre’ comment is because it sounds like we should be beating ourselves up for being human, feeling people.
     I don’t want to see us beating ourselves up.
     Catalysts for change maybe, but I want to be good to myself and kind. Hence I don’t consider anything I di as bizarre. And if other people do, that’s their problem and not mine as something triggered them.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:43am

266. 266: Annie says:

     254: Tam.

     Ah Ty Tam I now hear and understand your perspective.
     Feel sure he will be back and rectify the dealbreaker/s if he is the right man for you. He knows what he has to do to step up and win you.

     “Your words feel very harsh and critical to me.
     Maybe something to look at?”

     Feel sure you are right if I triggered this for you some healing there.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:44am

267. 267: Tam says:

     266..Annie, I believe that too, hence I am not tempted anymore to reach out at all. Let it all unfold.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:47am

268. 268: Starla says:

     gosh it feels so surreal and amazing to finally be in a committed relationship where i feel like i can be totally myself… plus i can initiate or lead and not feel weird or afraid or like i’m hurting his attraction levels

     it feels so overwhelming and real and reliable that i am for the first time really questioning, “wait, is this what i want?” yes, of course it’s what i want. but i feel uncomfortable without the drama, and i feel uncomfortable without there being a ‘void’ that i yearn to fill. drama and yearning have been my close friends for a long time. i can’t imagine life without them.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:48am

269. 269: Memulo says:

     FW 241 -I agree. Worked for me

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:51am

270. 270: Annie says:

     It feels good to me to have expressed my feeling that sometimes what humans do feels bizarre to me and it also feels ironic. It opened the door to me for more understanding of others perspectives. So many things feel ironic to me. It feels good to be on a journey of learning.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:52am

271. 271: Annie says:

     and healing

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:54am

272. 272: k2012 says:

     Starla,”timelines and expectations”. Good. That is exactly what needs to be discussed in a committed relationship. Congratulations to u.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:54am

273. 273: Memulo says:

     Starla!!!! Now you can have a ‘normal’ healthy relationship with him having your back among other people. Isn’t it wonderful

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:55am

274. 274: Starla says:

     lori 264, he broke up with me in a long email 9 months ago and wouldn’t return my calls afterwards. i hadn’t tried to contact him for 6 months and last month randomly just felt the urge to call him. He led the reunion from there. I knew in my heart and gut that our relationship deserved a second chance, despite the truly lame behavior of not talking to me after we broke up. I was sure not to let my anger about all that run the show, and showed up with an open heart full of love and let him explain himself. i know he is a good man, so i chose to treat him as such, instead of focusing on how bad he is for how he broke up with me and wouldn’t talk to me. having that faith in his goodness has probably been the most useful thing i could have done; he is indeed a good man so of course he feels terrible for how he handled things before and never wants to act that way again and makes sure I know that. I didn’t need to scold him or berate him for him to do that. We talked about how to handle things differently in the future and let it go.

     I can see he is struggling personally with how easy it was for me to forgive him. he has spent a lot of time beating himself up and thinking he burnt that bridge and was an idiot who lost the love of his life, and he’s still getting used to this idea that he might still even ‘deserve’ me… guilt is such a powerful force.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:57am

275. 275: Memulo says:

     K2012 – saying happy birthday is attention. Phone calls are attention and cards can work poorly.
     In my case the guy just didn’t return my call and I never heard from him again. Easy

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:01am

276. 276: Starla says:

     yes memulo it is so wonderful:) it’s what i wanted all this time and now i have it and am freaking out! like woooaahhh buddy back off a little, hahaha.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:06am

277. 277: Starla says:

     i’m not even updating my fb about my relationship status… i feel overwhelmed

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:07am

278. 278: Annie says:

     Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
     Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat over and over until we learn and are able to move forward instead of round and round.

     I love all of my feelings.
     I love that some things feel bizarre.
     My feeling of bizarreness was perfect for me at that moment in time.
     My feelings belong to me and are my business alone. Other peoples judgments of my feelings are none of my business.
     My feelings are unique and real, perfect and beautiful to me.
     If others think my feelings are wrong, their thoughts and judgments on my feelings have nothing to do with me.They are my reality not theirs.
     To argue with my feelings and say they are wrong or make out I should or should not feel that way or am wrong for feeling that way is arguing with reality.
     They are here to help me.
     I love and trust all of my feelings.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:10am

279. 279: Annie says:

     Ty for sharing BeLoved.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:12am

280. 280: Memulo says:

     I always believed it should be easy to break up with me

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:24am

281. 281: Lori says:

     Hi Starla,
     What a great success story! I’m happy for you. I’m meeting with my guy tomorrow night to talk. What I find interesting is that he still calls me like he said he would since he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s been over a week. He is so extremely busy with work that I can’t see him taking time to talk if he didn’t care. He’s not the type. I’m going to tell him how I’ve been feeling and what I want out of a relationship. I can tell he’s really struggling and torn between the need to have time for him to straighten himself out and have me. I do get it and I agree that he needs time. I’ve had more time than he has.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:28am

282. 282: Starla says:

     Lori I hope it all works out how you hope it does!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:35am

283. 283: Lori says:

     Thanks Starla. I’ve been practicing being open, soft, my feeling messages. I’m not going to ask him about our relationship. I plan on letting him go without giving him grief. I will have told him how I feel beforehand.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:37am

284. 284: Starla says:

     I still feel so funny and surreal. like our relationship can survive anything because we’re both on the same open page now about being each others soulmates and sharing something together that should never be taken for granted.

     and then on top of everything, we still haven’t slept together since dating again. we’re exclusive and committed as of a few days ago, and i felt this twinge of anxiety in my chest like ‘oh god now i HAVE to sleep with him tonight and this is all so sudden and fast and confusing and unexpected and and and *freaks out*’ and the obligated feeling made me feel awful… but it doesn’t matter because i can see that QZ is taking his time and doing what he needs to do to properly seduce me little by little:) and make me feel comfortable and safe again. i love his patience… i love that he values the dance of seduction…

     haha i picked a good one.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:41am

285. 285: Dominique says:

     Yes Femininewoman in re 243, yes.

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:49am

286. 286: BeLoved says:

     279
     
     Your observation was helpful to me…
     my actions have been the very definition of bizarre:
     “Involving sensational contrasts or incongruities”

     It’s pretty incongruent to say I want a forever man and a be hung up on a married man with a gf who I don’t even see outside of work.

     Seeing it so clearly is making me grin at myself. This jives with the email I just received from Rori about getting back on the bike or the horse – I got scared to get back on the bike.

     It’s feeling silly to me now.
     Why NOT play around with some online dating and redirect my attention?
     That could at least help me feel more relaxed, which would equal a much happier BeLoved
     Silly silly silly woman!
     Get back on that horse…don’t think, just DO!

     Tam –
     It’s no fun to beat up on myself but I do want to see if I’m doing it, I want it to be in my awareness and not festering below the surface. Exposing the wounds to air helps them heal. Seeing other people do it provokes my compassion, and I feel that if I hold a space of deep compassion, it provides a healing space for the person doing it, even if it’s online or someone I just heard about…but I am a devotee of Red Tara so embodying compassion is my chosen path and a quality I value.

     I feel curious and I wonder if you noticed how you went from only wanting friendship to wanting a relationship with Curly? Do you know what shifted or changed? Was it the attention? I imagine it felt good and you really didn’t want it to go away. My earnest wish for you is that you have many many many more experiences of being treated like a queen!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:54am

287. 287: ruth says:

     Starla, that feels so good to read

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:55am

288. 288: Tam says:

     BeLoved, thank you…actually, I don’t know that I wanted a committed relationship with him, which is why when it was offered to me I back-tracked after finding out more about him. I just wanted to keep dating a bit longer and see if it was viable, basically, because I did feel mainly spectatularly good in his presence and also when not, as he was contacting me always (without me having to prompt anything), and when we were together always made me the priority over anything and anyone else and it was very noticeable and a really cool feeling.
     I was prepared to give it a little more time to see if dealbreakers could be resolved and if this could develop.
     Alas he ran when I asked for more time. I can see why also, he explained to me before that he is afraid to fall in love and get disappointed. So he pulled the plug before falling for me, which is fair enough. It probably saved us both some disappointment.
     So all good really.
     I miss the attention though lol.
     Ah, it was nice.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:06am

289. 289: Starla says:

     (((((((((Tam))))))))))

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:08am

290. 290: Starla says:

     light bulb moment!

     what feels so ‘off’ is that he’s not my CF (crack fix) anymore. i don’t need to pine or wonder when/where my next ‘fix’ is coming from with him. And that takes some of the sexy, desirable edge off of everything.

     i.e., MY problem, hehe.

     i don’t feel worried about this. it will take me some time to get used to having a reliable, stable lover that i also adore.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:13am

291. 291: Tam says:

     Thanks Starla, ah it’s ok.
     After MrP nothing shakes me anymore. It’s sad but true.
     I am a sucker for a manly man though, especially one who gets all soft with me. Aw.
     Nevermind.
     I did manifest another ueber-alpha, perhaps that’s just more alpha than I can take…maybe I could feel good with someone who only has half the testosterone…it’s something to be explored. Haha!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:14am

292. 292: Femininewoman says:

     Yeah Starla. I too feel happy about the change from CF to QZ.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:26am

293. 293: Shar Lean Way Back says:

     Tereana, I loved you commitment on money. I copied to save. Regarding feeling messages, they are not to “work” on someone else, they are strickly for you to learn to express and to get into the habit of going inside to determine what you “are” feeling and not either stuffing it or blaming them on someone else.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:27am

294. 294: Starla says:

     Lori, did you see a while ago Mercedes’ visualization and how some of us started doing it? I will let Mercedes re-explain as she can probably describe it best, but that also helped tremendously. i really do credit mercedes inspiring me to meditate and visualize with my recent romantic landslide success.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:27am

295. 295: Starla says:

     and dominique, and rori, and also the lovely miss arden leigh who is a more ‘girl go gets the guy’ coach.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:29am

296. 296: Lori says:

     Mercedes, would you please explain what Starla means by the visualization? Thank you

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:46am

297. 297: candy says:

     Try to sharing. Great!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:47am

298. 298: Dominique says:

     Starla – I don’t have the words aside from YAY!!!!!!

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:04am

299. 299: Smile says:

     Yey Starla!!! I feel so over the moon excited for you!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:14am

300. 300: Starla says:

     aw thanks, ladies:)

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:19am

301. 301: Smile says:

     285 FW and dominique

     I came to the blog tonight to talk about my recent realisation that Im not sure if I want to be married…
     I posted bits about this on the blog in the previous Thera which triggered a whole host of emotions for me.
     I’m trying to get clear on my non negotiables! I knowfor sure that I want children, 100% so a guy would have to be open to that and want it someday.
     Marriage feels like stress to me. Fw you wrote about girls wanting to be married only for the party… That’s the bit I definitely don’t want! I’m thinking how can I get married without that bit lol. Hmm but I love parties! I suppose I don’t want the pressure of feeling ‘when will he ask me to marry
     me!’ the reason I do want to be married is because I would want to have the same name as my children and there father. Mostly I care about creating a deep and loving relationship.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:20am

302. 302: Starla says:

     Smile, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on marriage. It feels so interesting to read other perspectives and helps me get clearer on my own desires

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:24am

303. 303: Dominique says:

     Smile – then this is where you need to put your focus and energy, into having the relationship you want, and this could change, many times even. the details will sort themselves out without you having to worry about any of it.

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:31am

304. 304: Lori says:

     Hi ladies,
     Would someone help me with the “visualization” process that Mercedes does? I’m really curious.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:33am

305. 305: Starla says:

     Neither QZ nor I are certain we want children of our own. I could see us as foster parents or inviting a niece or nephew to live with us for the summer.

     what would feel really good is being in the kind of stable, loving marriage where if i did get pregnant, we could be happy about it. i don’t want to worry all the time about getting pregnant.

     i also keep having a vision of a friend/relative going to jail or dying, and adopting their child.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:42am

306. 306: Starla says:

     Lori: I searched up her comment for ya:)

     “Back to the meditations. I really think you need to visualize yourself as totally and completely confident, happy, proud, all those good things you want more of.

     Picture: Genuinely smiling at her and at him without expectations or concerns when they don’t return it. You should see yourself genuinely smiling at EVERYONE so when they see you and you don’t see them, they’re stilling seeing this smiling, confident happy person.

     You’re so scared (projecting here so please correct me if I’m wrong) about how the next time you see him might go and that’s where you begin to feel powerless or embarrassed. You keep thinking and thinking and thinking about the different ways it could all play out and your focus is most likely on the worst possible outcome.

     Visualize you seeing him again and nothing happens. You smile, he smiles, she smiles and you all pass through the day happy.

     He talks to you again, he doesn’t she does, she doesn’t, you and she become friends, you dont, you and he grow your friendship, you don’t…none of it matters. What you should visualize is YOU being happy and cared for and loved by EVERYONE around you and whatever THEY do/say/feel/think really makes no difference to that happiness.

     Technical details: (haha!)

     I recommend visualizations like this twice a day starting with 5 minutes per session and then moving up to 10, ect until you can really focus on it for 30 minutes twice per day.

     While visualizing, sit straight up (excellent posture is critical) but make sure you also feel confortable (I have my yoga mat down with a zabuton on it and a zafu pillow on top of that – check my blog…several posts back…to see pictures of my meditation room. My legs are crossed and my butt is on the zafu with my knees on the zabuton. It doesn’t have to be like this though…roll up a towel and put it under your butt if you want). Keep your eyes open but fixed on a focal point of your choice. (I use the design on my yoga mat so my eyes are slighly lowered but I am careful to keep my head straight and facing forward…my head and neck are a straight line – imagine a string connecting the top of my head to the ceiling).

     Now…Breathe in through your nose, hold the breath for 3 seconds then out through your mouth…breathe out just a little bit longer than what feels comfortable then hold for three seconds and back in through your nose. When you feel comfortable and natural with the breathing, start with the visualization and allow the breathing to do what comes naturally while you focus on seeing yourself happy and confident. Sometimes you will continue to breathe the way I described above, sometimes you will not breathe “correctly” and visualize at the same time. That’s okay. It will come more and more natural to you over time.

     After a few days, you should start to see some results. After 30 days, you will be amazed. (My experience)

     “how can I shift my feelings from embarassment to acceptance and maybe even pride” – Follow the above steps and I think it will happen. It won’t happen right away so please don’t get discouraged but I believe it WILL happen.

     Oh…and set a timer. The last thing you want to do is check the clock in the middle of a meditation to see if your time is up. lol

     Also, it helps to picture yourself happy and confident even when you’re not actually meditating. I catch myself at random times throughout the day (sometimes even when I’m just hanging out on the couch watching a movie with J) and I’ll picutre myself as the most amazing woman EVER!

     Anyway…wow…had NO intention of writing a long and pretty complete meditation lesson here today. LOL!

     Enjoy it…I do!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes”

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:44am

307. 307: k2012 says:

     Starla -”instead of focusing on how bad he is for how he broke up with me and wouldn’t talk to me.” U know Starla, this sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I am really learning a lot from u girls. So basically when u spoke to him, u didn’t attack him then for the way he broke up with u. That’s a good lesson for me re my disappearing ex. While trying REAL HARD not to focus on the fact-IF he calls, I keep thinking how I would deal with it if he does. And anan “attack” although I am no longer angry was the method I planned to employ, although I would do it assertive and not aggressive. But your method is a good method and I could learn a thing or two from u.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:52am

308. 308: Starla says:

     K2012 that’s awesome:)

     an attack would have been fine if i wasn’t interested in reconciliation or even just what he has to say.

     he addressed the issue on his own and brought a lot of remorse to the table. If he hadn’t done that eventually (I was thinking 2 or 3 weeks), I would have brought it up. I had to be patient. It was hard for me but it paid off really well.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:00pm

309. 309: Mercedes says:

     Starla: I’m so happy for you!!! I can take zero credit but I am very excited that meditation feels good to you and brought this into your life. It feels good to me too and I can’t even begin to count the blessings I’ve received because of my practice. I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing it all my life. I had a very amazing experience with it a few days ago. It was WONDERFUL! I’m expecting more and more of those as time goes on.

     And thank you for looking up that post for me! I read Lori’s comment and planned on doing the copy/paste but as I read down, you had already cared for it. Much appreciated!

     Lori: I hope you do try meditation/visualization. I’ve been doing it for many years and it has truly changed my life. I’m in the process of taking it one step further and I’m working toward my instructor certification. That will be so cool!!

     I meditate twice a day (sometimes I skip a day here and there but mainly I stay pretty dedicated to it) and have started journaling with it (or right after it). That’s helping a lot too as I can then track patterns and notice the days it went really well vs the days my mind wandered or the dog wouldn’t quit barking or J accidentally interrupted me and I couldn’t get the focus back, etc. I can also then track how the rest of my day went because I use the same journal for meditation and for other stuff. That way, if I have a particularly good or bad day, I can see if that matches to a good or bad meditation (currently I’m at about a 75% match).

     I am soooo excited that so many women started a meditation practice recently and I hope, Starla, that you don’t quit. For me, this is like prayer…you don’t just do it when you need something, you do it all the time.

     FW: How is your practice going? I know you were loving it…does it still feel just as good to you?

     Other ladies…how are you doing with it? Are most of you still going along? Someday when I open my studio, you’re all invited for free group meditation with me. That would be so cool!!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:14pm

310. 310: Lori says:

     Mercedes, I’m most definitely going to try it. I watch The Secret quite a bit too so am working on keeping my thoughts positive about what I want. I know I need to work on being more in the moment. I think I know how he feels about me. His desiring space and not be in a relationship is so that he can heal, not because of me. I’m going to live my life and do what I want to do.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:17pm

311. 311: Smile says:

     Starla, 301, I felt the pressure lift off me with the consideration this might not be for me after all… Who knows…?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:24pm

312. 312: Mercedes says:

     Lori: This is the most we can ever ask of ourselves:

     “I’m going to live my life and do what I want to do.”

     YAY You!!!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:30pm

313. 313: Starla says:

     Lori, just one little sneaky tip: while you’re ‘not together’ and he takes his space, you take a salsa class. it’s a little trick to keep you feeling good and to keep his possessiveness activated, as when he learns you’re going to salsa lessons he will have to imagine that men are dancing with you, asking you to dance, and that you’re getting even sexier than before with your new salsa dancing…

     

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:32pm

314. 314: Smile says:

     302, thank you dominique

     You helped me in some of your posts awhile ago to see that commitment can come in many forms.

     Also the guy I am dating with is separated. I really enjoy being with him and without having had the conversation yet and FW mentioned it to me also, I’m pretty much guessing he isn’t looking to be married again anytime soon, although who knows in the future.

     I know he is open to having children and wants a companion and to share property together.

     I’m working on getting clear what I want.

     He is going away for a month now. He’s going to email me while he is travelling. This man has a lot of hurt around his ex wife being unable to conceive.

     Wow I love the fear of the unknown!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:34pm

315. 315: Lori says:

     lol! You ladies are so funny! I had already started thinking about things I want to do. Salsa dancing and line dancing are at the top of my list. He loves my spirit and says that I am something else. I went skydiving a few months ago. ; p

     He says he’s not the jealous type but he noticed that one of my guy friends has a thing for me. He said he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to appear as the jealous boyfriend. Hmmmm.

     When we talk I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling, let him know that I understand what he wants (his freedom to get his act together) and that in the meantime, I will be living my life and doing what I want to do.

     He is so, so busy, it’s his busy season. He’s in the sports industry. I really don’t think he would be taking time out to talk, if he really wanted us to be over. He’s not the type nor does he have the time.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:46pm

316. 316: Tam says:

     Guess what, Curly is back. After everything. Quite the trooper, didn’t expect it anymore.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:52pm

317. 317: Starla says:

     Lori, my guy is sooo not the jealous type. it used to drive me crazy, as my usual tricks for generating jealousy (and a desire for exclusivity) only pushed him away. i like the salsa class idea for all women (i think all women should have a physical, sensual hobby that puts them in a light to be seen as desirable by lots of other men, even long into marriage). because it just makes competition a reality for them without it being a real jealousy ploy.

     me, i do belly dance, which doesn’t involve other men, but rather involves them LOOKING at me when i perform. Yesterday QZ actually offered to take me for salsa lessons so he could learn and take me dancing… i think he’s sensing that i will always want to feel desirable and sexy in my body and will do it with or without him. that or he just feels inspired to have some fun way outside of his comfort zone! either way, it’s awesome!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:57pm

318. 318: Tam says:

     Complete with feeling messages, oh how interesting.
     So much for me opening up first. I mean, in theory it sounds easy and good and I totally get it…but when it comes down to it, I am not at all good with this ‘opening up’ business.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 12:59pm

319. 319: Lori says:

     lol. Starla, I don’t think he normally is jealous. I wasn’t sure if he was or not. He has made comments about my friend crushing on me though. Not sure if it’s just an observation or if he doesn’t like it.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:01pm

320. 320: Tam says:

     Instead of practicing to open up, I practiced ‘clamming up’.
     Yikes.
     I did.
     I feel amused about it though, mainly.
     At least I recognised it eventually.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:02pm

321. 321: ruth says:

     ooooh, Tam
     Intriguing

     I love to dance but hardly ever do these days

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:02pm

322. 322: Starla says:

     tam, if he opens up first, even better! i love a proactive guy. they’re hard to come by!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:10pm

323. 323: Lori says:

     I’m looking forward to our talk. He has no problem with communication. Maybe it’s because I normally don’t. He told me he’s never been able to talk to a woman like he does me. Does that mean he feels safe? When he does talk, I pay attention and really listen.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:12pm

324. 324: Tam says:

     321…ummh, Starla, yeah, he opens up first and second. I don’t know how many times he asked me for a relationship or whatever else…and I just said nothing.
     I was actually a little biatch if I look back.
     I could have at least communicated, saying nothing is kind of mean. And then friend-zoning. And then, when he thought at last he had me, wham!!
     I say ‘let’s start at the beginning and go back to dating casually’.
     He is a bit of a trooper, really.
     It’s endearing although the issues won’t go away, I suspect eventually I will have to open my mouth. or run again….lol

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:13pm

325. 325: Starla says:

     Lori, that’s great. You sound like a great woman:). Listening and paying attention to when a man speaks are not my strengths. I am always interrupting all excitedly. QZ notices this about me and figures i’m working on it (I am) so he’s very patient. He’s not much of a talker so I am really only screwing myself out of getting to know where he’s coming from better when I interrupt. I wish I were more like you!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:15pm

326. 326: Smile says:

     Hi tam!!
     I see mr curly is back…

     Clamming up… I noticed I did this tonight too. He shared some stuff and I didn’t know how to respond or what to say! I Just kind of lay there…
     

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:18pm

327. 327: Lori says:

     Thanks Starla, I think it’s important. He told me that he likes to talk to me. We may not have a lot of time but he does reach out to me. After we talk, I’m going to distance myself. If space is what he really wants, than I have to respect his wishes. It will be difficult as I want more with him but he has to initiate it. He knows this.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:18pm

328. 328: Starla says:

     (((((((((Tam))))))))))))

     aw girl i really do believe in you though

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:19pm

329. 329: Lori says:

     Smile and Tam, that’s what I did a week ago when he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I didn’t know what to say so didn’t say much at all. I’m being given a second opportunity to express how I feel. I’m getting it that I can’t be “wrong”. If he’s meant to be, he will be.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:19pm

330. 330: Starla says:

     QZ is just so infatuated with me right now. Everything I say to him, he’s just like “OH MY GOD YOU’RE TOO CUTE!” He is in that “I love everything about you phase,” and I’m loving it and also feeling a little freaked out, as I always do with any guy that I can actually have. The chase and unavailability are very very attractive to me.

     I love that he’s in this phase, though, because he’s seen my ugly side from the 9 months we were together last year. So it feels sincere and not like blind lust.

     i know i’m basically spamming… sorry ladies. i’m excited and overwhelmed!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:23pm

331. 331: Lori says:

     btw, last time I saw him I showed him the blanket I was crocheting him. He totally flipped out. Seriously, I never saw a man get so excited. He was totally amazed that I had this skill. He loved it and couldn’t wait for me to get it done to give it to him. He even called me to tell me how much he liked it and that’s when he said “you’re wife material”. Two days later, he didn’t want to be in a relationship and said he needs time to get his head on straight.

     I’m going to still give him the blanket as I believe in keeping my word.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:24pm

332. 332: Mercedes says:

     Starla: I do this too… “I am always interrupting all excitedly.” And I am also working on it. I think I’m getting better…a little better…

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:25pm

333. 333: Tam says:

     328, ha, thanks Starla!! Someone has to

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:26pm

334. 334: Starla says:

     aw, lori, it sounds like from the blanket story that his feelings for you just got ‘real’ when he realized you really are wife material and it was a bit much for him, as he wasn’t expecting it and isn’t sure if he’s ready. this happens with certain men when you bake them a cake, or deliver homemade food to their workplace, etc., it can make them feel pressured and rushed even though that’s totally silly and we’re just doing nice things for them. and i’m so glad you’re not waiting on him… i have a feeling this man will be back when he realizes he left such a sweet woman on the market for someone else to swoop up!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:34pm

335. 335: Tam says:

     Hi Smile!
     Nothing wrong, maybe he just wanted to share and did not expect you to respond?
     Sometimes when I feel like sharing something, when the other party just listens and doesn’t comment or respond, it feels soooo good, like I am totally heard. Maybe he experienced that? Who knows!
     Make up a good story

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:39pm

336. 336: Turquoise says:

     Hi Sirens,

     FW, your comment about me feeling powerful with the last two, maybe being a void I’m trying to fill, rather than a romantic relationship…. I don’t think so. I’m not a powerful needing kind of person. I’m pretty much an easy going, everyone do what makes them happy, keep life as stress free as possible type of person. I’ve always liked to listen and be supportive, so I do feel drawn to people who might want my support. Maybe that makes me feel powerful or important? I hadn’t really thought of it that way. But everything comes back to us and we do what feels good to us right? hmmm… something to ponder.

     One thing both Mr. C and Sweetheart have in common is that they are very very attentive. They text, call, etc. and are (or were with Mr. C. ) extrememly present in my life, and I really like that.

     I don’t have much time, but will get on later tonight to fill you in on my wonderful and full weekend.

     I did hear from Tom and Chemist, within an hour of each other Saturday, to see if I had plans. WHich, I did, a party with my sister. They keep popping back in, but neither of them is stepping up. So, not feeling anything for either of them. It was a good feeling to know I was thought of though.

     C texted me yesterday to talk about a few things and mentioned us getting a satellite radio program together. Nothing much else, except to text me later that night and say I’m a good mom and glad the girls were happy (in response to me saying I’d color tipped their hair)

     OHHHH…… While coloring my girls’ hair Saturday night, I gave myself a turquoise streak! I LOVE it!!!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

337. 337: Lori says:

     Thanks Starla, I felt a little embarrassed by how excited he was. He said no one has ever done something like this for him before. He told me I was wife material twice and that if a guy wanted to settle down, he would choose a woman like me. Then he said that he needed to get his eating disorder under control first because I’m such a good cook, he’d weigh 300lbs. He’s a stress eater and is eating everything! The next day he said he was crazy about me. Then it was, I don’t want to be in a relationship

     I think he needs time to get his head on straight. He’s so stressed out. He said he hadn’t had much time from the bad breakup with his ex until me and then she was giving him a really hard time even up until a few weeks ago. He can’t move forward he said until he fixes himself and didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity if I was waiting for him.

     I appreciate the sentiment but felt like I should have been given a choice. I do think he is a mess, stressed and unsure what he wants. I’ve done what I can, will talk and then back way off.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:42pm

338. 338: ruth says:

     Lori
     It does sound like he just needs time in the man cave for a bit

     Turq-can we see a pic

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:45pm

339. 339: Lori says:

     I think so too. He needs time to be himself and do what he needs to do. I care enough to give it to him. If he really feels the way he does, he will be back once he has it figured out.

     He even told me his greatest fear and it’s obvious to me that it is.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:46pm

340. 340: Smile says:

     Tam, now that’s a good story to tell myself! Thank you!

     Has your post man been yet?????

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 1:58pm

341. 341: ruth says:

     You are right there Lori

     it will all be fine
     

     (love the stuff about the blanket too)

     Really, you Sirens are inspirational
     Gives me hope

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

342. 342: Smile says:

     Lori, 329- I like what tam wrote. Sometimes saying nothing is what’s needed! Rori says this too actually, just allowing yourself to feel.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

343. 343: Smile says:

     Hi Ruth

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

344. 344: Memulo says:

     But sometimes I think – how could he cross me out like this. Did I not have any meaning in his life at all

     Even a one -liner with ‘I’m sorry, I wish you all the best’ would have felt a lot more human

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

345. 345: Iamabutterfly says:

     *Llama butterfly making a random appearance*

     Ladies, some advice would feel great. I can tell SMC misses me and wants to “be friends,” but it makes me feel angry.

     He never speaks to me first when his gf is there, but when she’s not there, he always sits near me, stares at me, and lingers around to talk to me.

     I don’t want to be friends with him!

     I feel too much to be friends with him!

     and you know what?

     I don’t even want to date him, because his behavior is so shady!

     I just wish I could turn my hormones off when I’m around him.

     I lean back, and he like chases me! and I want to be like, “Dude, stay away from me! You have a girlfriend, who, according to you, you’re ‘getting really serious with.’”

     ug, I just feel annoyed and wish I could turn off my hormones.

     I wish he weren’t so big and masculine and chase-y.

     It’s hot.
     but he’s taken, and I want NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:02pm

346. 346: Iamabutterfly says:

     I was with another guy, and he kept turning around to look at us.

     GRRRRRRRR.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:03pm

347. 347: Tam says:

     Smile, I think your card got lost

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:03pm

348. 348: Turquoise says:

     Ruth are you on the facebook page? I’ll have to take a picture and log on I haven’t been on there in forever, and my hair is extremely long right now. Not sure what to do with it!!!

     I decided to focus on one concept/rule at a time. Receiving rather than over functioning and giving is a big one for me. I’ve cut wayyyyy back on the over functioning, but I’m really enjoying being on the receiving end now. I still feel kind of guilty, but trying to remember that making me happy makes them happy…. here is a text from last night from sweetheart, who spent the day at my house with me, my girls and I invited a friend, her husband and kids over. He stayed awhile after they left and I was feeling quite exhausted so he just massaged my feet and legs, played with my hair, snuggled me, got me drinks, while I happily received. Plus, he salted and cracked up the ice on my steps, which was actually quite awful and could have been dangerous. I really appreciated all of it.

     We were texting back and forth and I wrote this…

     Thank you so much for taking care of my steps. I really appreciate that, and it felt really good that it wasn’t something I had to worry about.

     SH – No problem about the steps. As long as I am there you will NEVER have to worry about stuff like that. No need to thank me either!
     As long as I’m around, I will take care of you and the girls to the best of my ability. I don’t want to jump the gun, but I like taking care of you… I like to rub you when you are stiff or have had a long day… I like to run my fingers through your hair just to help you relax. Taking care of you just feels natural to me…

     ME: You make me feel sooooo good when weare together. You rub away the stress and strain and makee me feel relaxed and safe. I love the way I feel when we are together. I do feel guilty though, I get so relaxed and don’t reciprocate enough. I want you to feel good too.

     SH: YOu make me feel just fine, don’t you worry about that. I’ll never pass up a shoulder rub though…lol. Seriously though, I’m glad I make you feel safe because you make me feel strong…. I told you this before I know. I also told you before, but I’ll say it again… you have made me feel like a man again… wasn’t really sure if that was possible again. Turquoise, you make me feel whole, you make me feel complete. I love… and truly cherish the time we get to be together.

     Me: That is so sweet and it makes me feel really wonderful to hear. No matter what happens with us, I’m happy to have made you feel good about yourself again. I think you are an amazing man with so much to offer. I hope no one ever knocks you down again.

     SH: Thank you for that. THose words mean more to me than you know. I will always, always hold them near to my heart. I see only positive things for us and a strong future. I hope you see the same!

     We went on awhile longer… but gets more personal. What do you sirens think? Are my feeling messages getting better? lol.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:06pm

349. 349: Smile says:

     Lori, 337
     “I think he needs time to get his head on straight. He’s so stressed out. He said he hadn’t had much time from the bad breakup with his ex until me and then she was giving him a really hard time even up until a few weeks ago. He can’t move forward he said until he fixes himself and didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity if I was waiting for him.”

     Have you read stuff from dominique around a mans healing heart…
     http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:08pm

350. 350: Smile says:

     Tam, It was more the something else than the card I’ll take a photo of the one I received myself and send it to you when I’m home tomorrow

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:10pm

351. 351: Lori says:

     Hi Smile, no, I hadn’t read that but I’m going to read it right now. Thanks for sharing!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:11pm

352. 352: Smile says:

     Turquoise, how wonderful, felt lovely to read.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

353. 353: Starla says:

     turquoise, you’re doing great with the words you shared
     and you must be doing a great job of receiving cuz, woman, you made him feel like a MAN again. woohoo! you go girl!

     the world needs more women who make men feel like men again. our world won’t heal until our war against masculinity heals.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

354. 354: ruth says:

     Turq, yes i am on Siren Island and Ruth is my real name
     I ddnt get a Siren name(my running/internet one is plodding hippo and has been for 10 years LOL)

     hello Smile
     

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:17pm

355. 355: Daria says:

     Wow Turquise ! Feeling inspired by the words of appreciation … Yay I can appreciate more !

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:19pm

356. 356: Femininewoman says:

     Mercedes it feels just as good. I have been focused on money and, success and surprisingly it has been coming in. I recently went back to some Mind Movies videos that have attracting a man included in it so I have just started really zoning in on it. Yesterday I really felt the image of the wedding deeply emblazoned in my cells. I feel my body vibrating at a higher level when I do guided visualizations with brainwave samples.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:20pm

357. 357: ruth says:

     Turq
     I am tearing up reading about sweetheart and what he said
     How lovely

     feeling quite choked

     a good man

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:22pm

358. 358: Tam says:

     Smile, aw how saaad

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:25pm

359. 359: Mercedes says:

     FW: YAY! I don’t do the guided ones much anymore but I used to a lot. Now I’m more focused on my studies so I do whatever the lesson plans call for at the time and if we’re not doing a lesson than I work on completely being still with sitting meditation and letting my mind go “blank”. I’m not good at that one yet but I did have a great experience with it the other day (I was able to “hear” what I should do – or not do to be precise). It was amazing. The clarity actually really showed up for me. I don’t get to experience that very often and I was soooo at peace when I finished.

     This is super cool: “Yesterday I really felt the image of the wedding deeply emblazoned in my cells.” I love that feeling of such a deep knowing. WOW!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:29pm

360. 360: Lori says:

     So I read the article about healing a man’s heart. He’s told me that I am different from any woman he has known, more mature. Life experiences I guess. I believe in living life to the fullest and enjoying it. I love life and he knows it. I make him laugh, listen to him and help if he wants it. (I’ve helped him with some business). I am a total overfunctioner! After I give him the blanket, I will be done. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:29pm

361. 361: Memulo says:

     Starla even you have nothing to say to me. it’s just baaaaaaad;)

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:29pm

362. 362: ruth says:

     “war against masculinity”
     wow

     Not sure how I feel about that one
     Day to day as a woman in my career I am struggling with misogyny
     In the UK, we get paid les just because of our sex and you would not believe the stuff i have had to endure at work
     I know i have had to be in masc energy to get through it and progress
     but
     hm
     need to think

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:30pm

363. 363: ruth says:

     Memulo
     I so wish you could get over that man and move on
     xxx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:32pm

364. 364: ruth says:

     And memulo
     no closure is hard, but sometines this is the way it is
     Hugs xx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:34pm

365. 365: Lori says:

     This may sound weird. It feels weird to say it but I feel him. I feel like we are still connected and I feel strongly that he will be back after he has had some time. This in no way prevents me from living my life and doing what I want to do.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:36pm

366. 366: Starla says:

     ruth i just felt inspired to write out my thoughts on my fb wall, you can read more about what i mean there!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:39pm

367. 367: Starla says:

     memulo i dunno what to sayyyy
     hmmmm

     LOOK, A UNICORN!!!!!!!! *points*

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:44pm

368. 368: Turquoise says:

     Eek! Thanks sirens! I wasn’t sure what you’d think of all this. I know his life is kinda upside down, but he makes me feel really loved and taken care of. I’ve never had that before. So, I’m loving being loved things will work out or they won’t, but this is amazing practice and it feels wonderful to be wanted exactly as I am. He compliments me often, in person, in text, tells me he misses me…. And, he’s quitting smoking because I hate it and he said he had wanted to for a long time, now he is motivated. He is on day 2 of the patch and I get up be supportive and encouraging which I love, and he appreciates.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:45pm

369. 369: ruth says:

     Starla

     thank you
     I hear you
     and agree
     but it is hard to reconcile with my day to day Sh*te

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:55pm

370. 370: Daria says:

     Cocking my head to the left opens up my heart and makes it tingle

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:56pm

371. 371: Femininewoman says:

     Oh gosh Turq that was a tear jerker for me. Almost have snot running down my nose. I loved the part where he says you make him feel like a man. Oh my heart so beautiful

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:58pm

372. 372: Starla says:

     i understand, ruth. it’s an especially emotional issue for a lot of women. i first presented the idea of the war against men in college for my senior thesis to a room full of strong mexican women immigrants varying in age who have suffered a lot of sexism and have worked their butts off to be independent and successful.

     they made a stinkface throughout my whole presentation. when i was done, the floor opened up for comments. several of them raised their hand to comment that they didn’t agree.

     I asked them WHY. They couldn’t actually put it into words. They were just having an emotional reaction to millenia of abuse and victimization.

     i got an A+ on that thesis:)

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:59pm

373. 373: Daria says:

     I’m too humble to ask God for what I want which is that I want to be a streetwide boss hehe

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:59pm

374. 374: Femininewoman says:

     Not weird at all Lori. Keep focussing your attention to your heart space to get yourself clear

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 2:59pm

375. 375: ruth says:

     Yes Starla

     exactly so

     they were feeling years and years of abuse and that was coming out

     we do need to re equilibrate

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

376. 376: Starla says:

     aw turq, qz/cf is quitting smoking now too. Even if he doesn’t succeed, i think it’s so sweet that he’s trying to do this to better fit into my life. i quit over a year ago, and he was so supportive and never ever smoked around me or before seeing me so i wouldn’t smell it and be triggered into cravings.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

377. 377: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo – Anything a person chases in life runs away.

     Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call to see how you’ll respond.

     I know you are spinning/spiralling right now so I believe your best option is to practice catching yourself. When your mind spirals with thoughts about him, catch yourself, shake yourself, then at least try to stop and choose another thought.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:04pm

378. 378: Starla says:

     Memulo you can do much better than smartcd, honeY!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:07pm

379. 379: Femininewoman says:

     Memulo I might be projecting here and please pardon me if I am. What is it that this man has that you don’t and want? What is the payoff or tradeoff of being with him?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:10pm

380. 380: Daria says:

     Death n birth is separation.

     The process that severs life/time in flesh (flesh one of the elements) at the ceetain time separates mother n child creating life

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:13pm

381. 381: Daria says:

     To create is to sever . Creating completion. To live is to sever. Separate. Expand.life

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:15pm

382. 382: Daria says:

     My body is so sexy in every way. How is that possible?

     Bec even the parts that have smthn I want to change… Also have extremely awesome sexy parts about them

     Thank you God

     Body u are amazing

     I’m sorry you feel sad

     I know u like to be stroked and fuchked

     Lol

     I am working on it I promise

     I feel soooo guilty

     I love my guilt

     I feel sooo rushed/behind / not good enough

     What a familiar feeling.

     Body you deserve to feel happy awake and lived and confortable and mmmm just a moment after moment of delight for u

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:20pm

383. 383: Turquoise says:

     Thank you FW. Means a lot he really is a sweetheart and expresses himself quite poetically. his ex has been harsh, critical, and unemotional for years and years. He’s quite romantic, so my juicy sweet, feeling side is just extra oomph for him. The more I respond, the more he offers. He just texted that he can’t wait to cook for me and the girls. I finally am starting to get what it means to just let them care for you and receive it!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:22pm

384. 384: Daria says:

     Something’s changed about my face now that I’m older. I look strikingly beautiful.

     What if I am, literally, overall in general the prettiest girl in the world.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:23pm

385. 385: Daria says:

     I want to promote myself as that. I’m Marylin MonDaria

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:24pm

386. 386: Daria says:

     My mom wants me to have surgery to straighten my nose septum but I’m like no I’m rockin it like this.

     I wish I hadn’t got my gap tooth in braces too bad my pops told me at the end and I felt my chest cave now feeling sad I am not rockin the family gap

     Ima rock the family nose tho shd don’t like my uncle that have it

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:27pm

387. 387: Daria says:

     Having strong masculine energy is great for a finite woman like me, I can envision and create marvelous things and take excellent care of me to have a wonderful life. Thanks dad.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:29pm

388. 388: Daria says:

     Smthn ima practice is to think/say ‘boy hat’ everytime I “check” somebody

     Right now me writing this is boyhat.

     I live my boyhat too.

     My man lives my boyhat but not challenging him. Hehe.

     Such a cute smart girl I am now that was girl hat says boyhat says girl hat

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:36pm

389. 389: Tam says:

     Urgh. So I am going to re-set this Curly thing going on. He’s a clever man and understood…he is asking me out rather than assuming to come here to my place or inviting me to his. I feel heard.
     Now, it’s up to me to actually be a bit brave and speak my truth, or at least start with a little baby step part of it and see how far I get.
     When I read all your guys comments on what’s happening with your men etc I must say that I feel embarrassed for having discounted him so quickly because really, he is a very nice man.
     So some of your guys are smoking and you don’ t like it and so on, well I am so gung ho, I just run at the slightest thing rather than talking it through.
     When I read Turquoises account there, well Curly has been soing/saying all those things more or less word for word to me too…so part of it all was perhaps the fact that I see dealbreakers (but I don’t even know the full story yet), and part perhaps my commitment phobia.
     I have to ask myself some painful questions…how come I have been single for so long, despite having had one or two very good men in my path? I had marriage proposals that I turned down (for good reasons…or were they? could things have been talked through/resolved?). I wasted 2 years on and off with a commitment phobe because we were like twins in that department as well as many others. We kept each other nicely off balance.
     I ask myself: why do I find running so easy and talking so hard?
     Old old patterns, formed in childhood, memories of running into my room and locking the door and holding my ears shut when people were arguing. Hiding away. Keeping quiet. Never expressing my feelings, as it was not safe as everybode else was already usually unhappy and upset.
     So there we are.
     I know all this.
     I know what I have to do.
     I have to open my mouth.
     Why is that so bloody hard then????

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:47pm

390. 390: Daria says:

     Because the 6 second eye gaze is so hard for me… Mostly cuz my heart opens up and I actually engage/connect am real and it feels so whoa like we’re both 5 and uncomfortable/curious/wowed/embarassed

     I’m gonna practice it w trees. I love tress enuf to kiss them and I don’t feel intimidated by them or connecting w them.

     Yay D!

     This will help me get used to connecting w beings.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:49pm

391. 391: Tam says:

     I feel like screaming, really.
     I feel like screaming all those screams I should have screamed when I was 8 and hiding and silent and creeping around everybody.
     Now I am an adult and I can speak my mind and nobody is going to chastise me for it. They may not like it but I can do it, I am safe.
     I don’t need to bottle it all up and release it like an erupting volcano…and I don’t need to silence my feelings and thoughts and worries and run from a man.
     NO.
     So my conclusion is that it is so much easier just being alone. So where so I go from here, when my comfortable state is hiding alone in my 16th floor fortress where I am safe.
     Jeez, I have a lot of work to do.
     Feels exhausting before I even start.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:52pm

392. 392: Daria says:

     (((((((((Tam))))))))

     Go Tam! *tears

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:53pm

393. 393: Daria says:

     I’ve been crying more than usual and just realized!

     crying cleanses/cycles/excretes/circulates/moves/flows/pumps my Hormones !

     Wow no wonder

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:55pm

394. 394: Daria says:

     Thanks body.

     You Are a miracle! *awe

     You DO know how to live life without my help.

     Ong.

     Will u live it for me ?

     Ong.

     Thanks body.

     Crying.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 3:57pm

395. 395: Tam says:

     Thank you Daria, I shed some tears earlier too. I guess it needed to come out. I am still numbing a lot but getting better…phew.
     Good luck to me…I have a lot of growing to do…la te daaa

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:01pm

396. 396: k2012 says:

     Memulo my dear, I can totally identify what u are going through. I feel the same way too. There is another post that u wrote rersponding to me . I will soon answer that one but u are going through the EXACT thing I am going through namely closure. “I’m sorry, I wish you all the best’ would have felt a lot more human.” If its even to say “I am sorry,” trust me Memulo it would give us closure, trust me. Hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift says he is not going to apologize. Feminine Woman told me that I shouldn’t expect him to apologize so I suppose that advice might go for both of us. Because of the fact that we are focused on an apology,maybe if we are not careful it will prevent us from moving on. FW also said I couldn’t make him apologize. Of course I am quite aware of that. An apology has to come from the heart. A male friend said to me that it doesn’t seem like I have gotten over him. I told him I have gotten over him but he said that it seemed like I wanted closure. I told him I gave myself closure by deleting him (disappearing ex) from my facebook page. So I am giving u this advice. Give yourself closure. Did u delete his contact information already? Are all photos deleted from your camera? Printed pictures torn up? Looking forward to hear from u.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:10pm

397. 397: Daria says:

     My body knows how to live life and all I know how to do is think.

     Whoa.

     I feel not good enough. I feel judgemental of myself.

     I love myself. I love all of myself. All of myself. Even this part. That’s writing. I love all of myself. There’s a part of me thats scared to be loved. I ca. See you running around all
     the other parts hiding. I love you. I’m so sorry for your pain. I am here to love you. I want to be friends with u. I want to be intimate with you. I feel scared. Here’s a rose for you. Thank you for Snelling my rose. I feel so odd. I want a hug. That would feel so good.

     Wow. I just did the coolest stranger exercise ever. I felt so many feelings in my chest in my body. Some of the familiar Peak feelings of my life!

     Wow it felt so amazing when my stranger reached out to hug me.

     I mean I did f know if that would happen. And then the arms were there… It felt like being embraced by a lover for the first time . Omg u guys I felt so much.

     Wow.

     I feel so awed and excited and I told the stranger all my feelings.

     Nmmmm and it felt huge like huuuuuuuge.

     I am now always in contact w my No Name stranger that might run from love and lives between the other me’s.

     This feels so deep. I feel excited to write stories to share the experiences.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:12pm

398. 398: Daria says:

     Copying other kids or tv (voices in my head)
     That boy hat.

     Girl hat doesn’t do that

     Boy hat is doing it to help girl hat feel better and get her feeling more connected to people and more laughs and smiles and attention from adults

     Thanks boy hat

     I feel sad

     Aww. Yes I felt sad at that time.

     I love my sadness.

     Thank you for feeling it.

     Thank you sadness.

     For showing me how much I loved what I loved and that I loved what I lived and now I desk curious to look to see what I loved

     And feel inspired to give myself what would feel good if something would that comes to mind and something should ciz something will

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:16pm

399. 399: Lori says:

     K2012, ladies, I would be interested in knowing your thoughts on my guy, if he will be back once he gets his head cleared and on straight, comes out of his man cave, so to speak.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:25pm

400. 400: Violette says:

     Yuck, I slept with C last weekend. I didn’t like it. I was hoping I would, and we’ve been dating almost 2 months, and I liked kissing him, and he’s been attentive and romantic, and then the day after I felt sick to my stomache!!
     He said things like, looking at my body, “I’m so lucky,” and “I was beginning to think I’d forgotten how to do this,” and he said I had nice feet, then assured me that he had seen some ugly feet basically. Those things all made me feel like a piece of meat or something.

     I feel sad around it, because we have plans to go to the theater on Wed and then we’re going out of town next weekend, and he’s nothing but sweet to me, and I care about him but I don’t want to sleep with him again.
     I thought of saying next time I see him that I got ahead of myself and need more time physically, but I feel ridiculous because there is another guy that I do want to sleep with, and it’s a flat out lie!

     Do I have to break up with him? I’m feeling panicked. Any thoughts?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:28pm

401. 401: Dominique says:

     Lori – 399 – No one can predict this. He will, or he won’t, so you continue to work on yourself, expanding and healing yourself, filling your life up with people and activities you love, and if he’s the man for you, he will come back. If not a better one will step up to claim you.

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:44pm

402. 402: Dominique says:

     Violette – Seems to me he was trying to express appreciation for you. It may have been awkwardly done, and it may not have been exactly what you wanted, yet men are very visual, more so than most women. I think he was being rather lovely.

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:48pm

403. 403: Tam says:

     Violette, kind of agree with Dominique, but only you know what feels right to you. Personally, I experienced something pretty similar just now and felt turned off also. That and the dealbreakers. I decided to re-set it and start again to see if it was my own fear of intimacy killing this, or whether it just isn’t right. You expressed going back to dating without sex. If he is otherwise pleasant I’d do that…but if you feel uncomfortable then maybe he is just not right, who knows.
     I’d go with my feelings….

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 4:53pm

404. 404: MovingMagic says:

     I’ve decided to set an intention for this week, making it a point to focus on feeling supported by all people/the universe. I fell asleep last night meditating on it, & woke up feeling much lighter. I’ve done more of the same today. I’ve recieved messages from friends all day, & ran into another friend while food shopping. I’ve started the ball rolling with a dance performance. One of my little 4 year old,students told me I look beautiful…awww kids!! I do feel so supported!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:03pm

405. 405: Ulii says:

     @261 Starla

     Over last weeks I have had possibilities to have only glimpses of your reuniting-story with QZ, but all I see seems wonderful. I feel really happy for you!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:10pm

406. 406: Ulii says:

     @ Tam 389, 391

     Wishing you all the luck!
     Glad Curly is back.
     I see so much of myself in your childhood pictures and also about the difficulties to do the talking when it´s really needed.
     But I believe you are really on the right path already!
     (((Tam)))

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:13pm

407. 407: Ulii says:

     @ 348 Turquoise

     I was melting reading this. This is so beautiful, both what he is saying and how you´re responding. Really inspirational.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:15pm

408. 408: Tam says:

     Thank you Ulii

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:15pm

409. 409: Annie says:

     Violette 400 doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or feels about what he did and said did etc. They are not you. All that matters is how you felt in his presence and what you want. You clearly stated how you felt by those comments and what you now want. It is your unique journey to find out how you feel and what you want. “Yuck, I slept with C last weekend. I didn’t like it. I felt sick to my stomache!!
     He said things like, looking at my body, “I’m so lucky,” and “I was beginning to think I’d forgotten how to do this,” and he said I had nice feet, then assured me that he had seen some ugly feet basically. Those things all made me feel like a piece of meat or something.

     “I feel sad around it, because we have plans to go to the theater on Wed and then we’re going out of town next weekend, and he’s nothing but sweet to me, and I care about him but I don’t want to sleep with him again.”

     Hugs. Trust your instincts and your feelings. Above all else be true to thine SELF! Not how other people believe they would feel if they had this said to them, they are not you. X

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:16pm

410. 410: Ulii says:

     And I feel glad to notice Memulo is back on the blog!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:17pm

411. 411: Annie says:

     Just because someone is sweet and we care about them on some level it doesn’t mean we have to sleep with them if it feels yuck and sicky to us and we don’t want to.

     If we don’t want to sleep with someone because it didn’t feel good to us, that’s it, plain and simple. we don’t want to and it doesn’t feel good! And we want to feel good. X

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:23pm

412. 412: Ulii says:

     @Memulo
     About closure. I would prefer a guy who is capable of giving the closure to me. Although I have to accept some men aren´t or weren´t that moment when I needed. But I must distach that from myself and not feel bad about myself because of their stuff.
     I believe nobody else can take our dignity away from us if we don´t give it away.

     I have been left hanging without any warning and later been ignored. And it was painful… For a long time. Until one day it was ok again. I realized he was just one man who had issues that moment. It wasn´t anything about me.

     I believe it had been quicker to get over him if there would have been closure from his part. But it also showed me a kind of man he was then. Somebody not able to handle it (me & the relationship) well. So he wasn´t good for me anyway.

     After that I have had experiences where I get the closure. And the lesson for me is to appreciate that and see the quality of men rising in my life.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:32pm

413. 413: Dominique says:

     And sometimes we can totally misjudge someone and miss out on someone very sweet, maybe even your “the one” because we are caught up in our fears and expectations.

     xxoo

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:32pm

414. 414: Ulii says:

     @411 Annie

     I really agree.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:33pm

415. 415: Ulii says:

     Although attraction can grow, and what doesn´t feel good one moment could feel good another moment.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:35pm

416. 416: Tam says:

     Dominique…yep. Perceptions and making up stories and assuming the worst are all blocking what could be something good. Might not be but could be. If we don’t take a little risk then we end up alone as nobody is perfect either….and I am someone who feels quite happy alone but all this blocking and assuming and not letting things unfold and not giving the benefit of the doubt won’t get anybody anywhere – not just with men btw.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:37pm

417. 417: Ulii says:

     But I really believe in that if that special moment I don’t feel like sleeping with someone, then I won’t push myself to do it just to overcome my fear… And if it’s the one who would be “my guy” at the end, then I hope this wouldn´t push him away.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:37pm

418. 418: Ulii says:

     Although.. I have pushed men away in my younger days because I was terrified of even only kissing. One day I just decided have to start kissing the guys eventually, so after some awkward testing, I got comfortable about it. Now I love kissing and feel even excited about any new man to kiss. A bit like anadventure. Then there are few I really enjoy doing it with. MotoCD was one of them. (Sigh!)..

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:41pm

419. 419: Ulii says:

     @Violette

     I would maybe try to look into why I felt so bad? Was it only about the comments or the sex itself didn´t feel good.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:44pm

420. 420: Annie says:

     415: UliiNo says:

     Although attraction can grow, and what doesn´t feel good one moment could feel good another moment.

     Feel in total agreement. If it doesn’t feel good in that moment though it feels best to me to honor my authentic feelings and not ignore or abandon them. T

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:44pm

421. 421: Annie says:

     It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.

     And if something does not feel good and I don’t want it feels best to me to speak my truth and take 100 % responsibility for my own feelings and STOP doing what doesn’t make me feel good, rather than trying to pretend and arguing with reality not trusting myself and ‘trying’ to make it feel good because other people think and believe they would feel good if it were them.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:52pm

422. 422: Ulii says:

     @Annie 420

     Yep, I agree again.

     “If it doesn’t feel good in that moment though it feels best to me to honor my authentic feelings and not ignore or abandon them. ”

     @Violette

     But as this was done. So now..hm.. I would try to talk with this guy and be honest about my feelings. So if there is anything that made you feel bad, I’d comment about it. And wouldn´t sleep with him again until I feel like it, but not closing myself totally to that option.
     But, If the problem is that there is really no attraction & you don´t feel there´s possibility of it growing, then I would consider breaking up.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:55pm

423. 423: Violette says:

     Annie, Ulii, Dominique, Tam thank you for your input.

     I feel sad around this, just a lot of sadness. Glad I’m not seeing him til Wed.

     I think some of the panic around it is also because another Cd, D called last night to tell me that the reason he hadn’t been calling more and attempting to see me more was that he wondered why I wasn’t stepping up more, calling him and such. I told him I was old fashioned and felt more comfortable being called, and he said he was more into relationships that just start up and go quickly. I said I like to be courted and he said it felt artificial. It was a really uncomfortable conversation, but it also made me think, because C also asked why I never call him (I’ve been dating them both 1.5 months or so.). So now I feel like men just don’t know I don’t like them because I lean back to much?

     And I wonder if that’s why J disappeared after coming on so strong the last time I saw him, and if I should call him?

     Also all this trying to sleep with only one man at a time, and I really want to sleep with D!! Although he said he was put off that I’d wanted to go slowly physically, which concerns me.

     I feel freaked! I’m glad to be cding, but it would be so much easier to be seeing only one guy at a time on some levels.

     I think this comes down to learning what my needs are and putting them first, but it feels absolutely terrifying.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:56pm

424. 424: Annie says:

     413: Dominique says:

     “And sometimes we can totally misjudge someone and miss out on someone very sweet, maybe even your “the one” because we are caught up in our fears and expectations.

     xxoo”

     At the end of the day, it matters not how they meant it. It is how we felt about ourselves in that persons presence and if we are being loved the way we want to be.

     Our feelings are not a misjudgment. If we feel Yuck and sick we feel yuck and sick!
     No judgment. Just our own unique feelings which belong to us and us alone.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:57pm

425. 425: Annie says:

     “I think this comes down to learning what my needs are and putting them first, but it feels absolutely terrifying.”

     Hugs. X Hope you feel better about it soon.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 5:59pm

426. 426: Ulii says:

     (..continues…)

     So, actually it is about the WHY you felt bad sleeping with him… Is there anything he can do that you´d feel good after all, or there just isn´t enough “there”…

     I myself just few time back had a CD I was not really attracted to, but as he treated me nicely & at that moment there was nobody else seriously around, I let myself to get quite intimate with him. It didn´t feel bad, but it definitely didn´t feel “there” at all. It was all half-wired and I knew I want to feel something more than that. So I didn´t keep practicing opening up physically with him anymore. It felt wrong for both of us.

     I friend-zoned him.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:02pm

427. 427: Ulii says:

     ((((Violette))))

     Yep, leaning back is puzzling. I guess I have lost some guys because of it. But also maybe because I have not appreciated enough or being verbal about my positive feelings. Still, I feel hopeful the right guy sticks around.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:06pm

428. 428: Annie says:

     416: Tam

     “Dominique…yep. Perceptions and making up stories and assuming the worst are all blocking what could be something good. Might not be but could be. If we don’t take a little risk then we end up alone as nobody is perfect either….and I am someone who feels quite happy alone but all this blocking and assuming and not letting things unfold and not giving the benefit of the doubt won’t get anybody anywhere – not just with men btw.”

     I feel suprised by this statement I didn’t observe anyone making up stories and assuming. What I observed was someone expressing authentic feelings and some people questioning another persons authentic feelings stating that because they believed they wouldn’t have felt that way in those circumstances and making up reasons and guessing why a particular man would say things completely negating the real womans feelings who this really happened to, This was her experience and her feelings. And to read that happening on here to another woman felt absolutely awful.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:08pm

429. 429: Luzydel says:

     thinking of taking some enrichment classes… just wondering what would be good for me. Writing, photography?

     All this time I have been focusing on men, relationships, dating, being hurt etc. I am not closing myself to love; I am just not doing what others tell me is the best way to get it. I am following my gut feelings and I feel turned off by dating and the hypocrisy it involves.

     There is no magic on how you meet someone; you just do. I d not need to have lots of men around me to feel valuable. I know I am even if no one notice me.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:11pm

430. 430: Tam says:

     All I say is that if I had been so rigid and closed and expecting the perfect man to show up who does and says all the right things 100% of the time and makes me feel good 100% of the time, where nothing whatsoever irritated me – then I would stil be a virgin and have missed out on 2 beautiful relationships. Instead of being alone and bitter I choose to stay open and curious and not always expect the negative just because a guy doesn’t come in the perfect package with a pretty bow and a card that says ‘yours only forever’.
     Unrealistic expectations are just as bliss-blocking as being attracted by someone purely on chemicals/looks. My view.
     We don’t live in lala land. We live in reality.
     Living in lala land is being emotionally unavailable, like MrP who is still waiting for his perfect model woman with perfect intelligence and everythibg else. Meanwhile he is anything BUT perfect himself – and still alone. No surprise there.
     In other news, Chubby Austrian is on the case.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:15pm

431. 431: Annie says:

     I don’t want to guess what a man meant by his words.
     I want to trust and respect my gut and my own feelings.
     And believe other womens authentic feelings when they express them not question and negate them or make them wrong.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:16pm

432. 432: Tam says:

     And I am talking from my own experience…not anyone elses. I am not negating anybody’s feelings, and have no intention of doing so.
     I am just processing and trying to learn from my mistakes.
     I believe everyone to act in their own best interests in any given situation.
     Merely saying that men also sometimes deserve the benefit of the doubt…and sometimes someone whom we grow to like might be a better option than the one who looks and feels perfect – there is no such thing.
     I couldn’t sleep with someone unless it all felt right either, and wouldn’t want to. Hence my back-tracking with Curly.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:21pm

433. 433: Annie says:

     Wow Tam I feel curious are those judgmental words aimed at me?
     Rigid? Closed? Alone? Bitter?
     Or at Violette?
     Or Mr P?
     As if they are aimed at me I really do not want to be attacked so
     I feel best to leave you alone with your projected judgmental thoughts as they have nothing to do with me. Although I may have triggered them in some way.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:23pm

434. 434: Femininewoman says:

     Dominique I know about misjudging someone and missing out. Our thoughts can create feelings that hold us back.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:23pm

435. 435: Tam says:

     Men have different ways of expressing and are wired differently. Should we expect them to be psychics and being able to read our minds? Sometimes talking/clarifying and listening, rather than feeling offended or whatever, clears up communication misunderstandings. Annie, do you expect a man to read your mind and guess how you perceive his words? Is this realistic?

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:25pm

436. 436: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I like your process. I say go for it. Other people’s opinions of you don’t matter.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:27pm

437. 437: Tam says:

     Annie, those words were about my recent experience, actually, and how your words sound like the opposite direction into what I want to grow in. My perception of them. Harsh, unaccepting and pushing everything away. They feel bad and really like coming from my fearful and emotionally unavailable closed self. Thank you for the trigger, was timely. Whoa.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:28pm

438. 438: Tam says:

     Hey FW, thanks! Yep!! Time to bite the bullet, doing the uncomfortable and speak authentically. There are 3 different things that bother me about Curly and me if we were together. If I only manage to bring up one tomorrow, without running or friend-zoning him straight away, I’ll have achieved something. Authentic babysteps…phew. Test run for a relationship with whomever…being able to solve conflict without clamming up: vital!!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:32pm

439. 439: Annie says:

     I am perfect in all my imperfections.
     And I don’t want Mr perfect as he does not exist.
     I want Mr perfect for me who has his imperfections that are tolerable and not deal breakers for me.
     The best soul match for me.
     I would rather be alone than settle and be with the wrong person for me.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:33pm

440. 440: Annie says:

     Tam.
     “My perception of them. Harsh, unaccepting and pushing everything away.”

     Your projected thoughts are your mirror and nothing to do with me.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:36pm

441. 441: Annie says:

     435: Tam says:

     “Men have different ways of expressing and are wired differently. Should we expect them to be psychics and being able to read our minds? Sometimes talking/clarifying and listening, rather than feeling offended or whatever, clears up communication misunderstandings. Annie, do you expect a man to read your mind and guess how you perceive his words? Is this realistic?”

     Nope I speak my truth.
     So if I felt sick and Yuck and like a piece of meat, that is what I would express. I would be clear direct and authentic.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:41pm

442. 442: Annie says:

     And if I didn’t want to continue sleeping with a man because I felt sick or Yuck I would STOP sleeping with him but that’s me.

     Someone else may feel it best to do something differently. Their choice and their journey.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:43pm

443. 443: Annie says:

     We are not able to say Yes to what we do want until we first are able to say no to what we don’t want.
     So in vilottes case she has clearly stated she does not want to sleep with this man again as she felt Yuck and like a piece of meat in his presence.

     Way to go Violette, the first baby step towards getting what you do want.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 6:48pm

444. 444: Tam says:

     Annie, I don’t get it. Where and when did anyone say, on this blog, that we should/might want to sleep with a man when it doesn’t feel good to us? Please enlighten me. I missed it.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:00pm

445. 445: BeLoved says:

     421

     “It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.”

     Annie please just keep saying that a hundred million times until it sinks in all the way through for me, please!

     C and I were hugging today and after, when he walked off all hot and bothered, I was thinking, “I don’t want to be used to torture you anymore. I feel bored with this.”

     I wrote out a spell and added to the la Santasima Muerte altar, it feels better and better to me. I acted out some dream stuff featuring C with friends and WOW they did a great job, it’s so wild how you can not know somebody whatsoever but once one of us decides to step in as a proxy, we can totally BE that person. She pushed every frickin’ button he does but she did it using a giant teddy bear (so I could slap at it, not her, haha) but something happened and next thing I know I’m hugging and comforting the teddy bear and bawling….it’s like manchild got my maternal feelings all stirred up…oh, I see, how brilliant!
     My maternal feelings would get all stirred up but when I would reach for C (or T, or B…) they would avoid, dance away. Having my friend stand in using the teddy bear allowed for a completion of the movement.
     Cool.

     Too funny, she apologized because she felt like she had gone too far, and I was like…”You couldn’t be this character if you weren’t busting boundaries!”

     Thank you, BeLoved, for getting up so early and doing yoga.
     Our legs feel so good, so light, our back feels lighter, it feels so much easier to bend and to move!!!
     Thank you!
     Thank you for going to Nia even when we didn’t feel like it, we feel so much stronger and more alive now!
     Thank you for not getting fast food on the way home!!
     Thank you for not trying to get in the last word with the internet guy who we didn’t connect with very well and wasn’t very kind with our vulnerability!
     Thank you for feeling your feelings and letting it go and trusting what we need will come!
     Thank you for getting off the blog and going to bed now!!!

     Muah!
     I love you, BeLoved!
     Sweet Dreams!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:03pm

446. 446: Louise says:

     I miss my husband.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 7:56pm

447. 447: Indigo says:

     Mercedes 246

     It is a beautiful thing – this really beautiful feeling washes over you when you assert your power in this way, and it’s totally unexpected. It’s a beautiful thing when you take responsibility for your own happiness. Like you, I would have felt guilty for doing it in the past, but spending time really loving on myself made it quite easy. But thank you to you, as I say I learned from how you handled the situation with J!

     And thank you, re: the car accident. I just had a couple of minor cuts and bruises, quite miraculous really. Feel very fortunate, and it was a lesson to me!

     xxx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:22pm

448. 448: Indigo says:

     CurvySiren 248

     Thank you so much I feel very touched and warmed by your words. I truly feel as if I am “feeling” the power of leaning back, and have been doing it unceasingly since the beginning of the new year. And thank you, yes, it felt so good not to argue or fuss, but just to hold my boundary. It felt beautiful.

     Thank you about the car accident, as I said to Mercedes, I feel so very fortunate I was not hurt. I am amazed you had a car accident during your time apart with your ex… the synchronicities do seem to be incredible? But I believe the universe works like that.

     xxx

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:28pm

449. 449: Violette says:

     Again thank you Annie and Ulii for your input, and Tam, although, I’m not sure if those posts were meant for me, but the point is it feels so nice that there are women on this blog who get it…who are out there going for it.

     I really don’t want to sleep with C again. I’ve never regretted not sleeping with someone who didn’t do it for me…and at the same time, I don’t want him to go away. He cares for me in a way I haven’t experience in so long…I don’t want to dissect why I don’t like him sexually now…I just want to trust it.

     I guess it’s time to grow up! Ahh!!! I have to trust that if he is worth it he will continue to wait. And that if I want to sleep with D that’s ok too. I think I’ll avoid any sexual exclusivity conversations with them though…

     And if it turns out I’m sleeping with two guys at the same time, it’s not the end of the world. This isn’t life or death here. It’s a fearless exploration of myself.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:35pm

450. 450: Memulo says:

     Thank you everyone so much for answering me. I just got home from work and see so many responses!

     FW, to answer your question – on one hand he was like a sincere innocent child sharing every detail of his thinking process and his perception of life was just like mine when I was a young girl.. at the same time he was super smart and seemed to have exactly the same values as me, the way things should be, like I learned them at age 6. Everything he said or almost all of it was spot on for me.

     I don’t know how to explain it and you’re right that I spiral and should be stopping myself. Just when I think of a ‘never’ word it feels unreal.

     My CD is very nice to me and says and does all the right things and it makes me feel calm and content and relaxed, but does it make me happy

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:39pm

451. 451: Memulo says:

     Starla I don’t know if I can do better

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 8:43pm

452. 452: k2012 says:

     “an attack would have been fine if i wasn’t interested in reconciliation or even just what he has to say”. Starla -308. Well, well Starla. 98 percent of me is not interested in reconciliation. I am not saying I don’t forgive. As a christian, I NEED to forgive. I have ALREADY forgiven him. But forgiving a man, don’t necessarily mean that u want him back. U could forgive him and still move on (of course not necessarily meaning that there is a new man, but move on as u know can mean u are focusing on your own life and meeting new men. So 98 percent of me don’t want him back so that is why if he was to call, I was planning to launch an attack in assertive way. As a matter of fact, before I forgave him, I was planning not to answer the phone if I see him calloing. Then afterwards, I realized that because he is overseas, he would most likely be calling from a calling card if he was to call. Since I forgive him now, I said that if he calls I would talk to him. He ATTEMPTED to call 2 times using a calling cards as a friend residing in the same country as him told me that the numbers were calling card numbers. He hang up before I could get to answer. 2 percent of me now wants a reconnection. I was shocked when FW told me that cause its true. Even though I want to ‘attack’ a little piece of me was hoping to reconnect. FW hit the nail on the head. But as I told Feminine Woman, I am not following my mind cause although I have forgiven him for what he did to me, hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift says that he is a player and the number of women he use……………. She said he was searching and is a player using women from left right and centre. Hairdresser is accurate till its frightening. Everything she said about my sister’s boyfriend turns out to be true. So I am listening to her. No reconciliation there. Based on what she has told me, it wouldn’t make any sense. FW said an attack would basically run him away so if u had done that bearing in mind that u wanted him back,that would not be a wise move.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:17pm

453. 453: Indigo says:

     CurvySiren

     Correction: he’s not your ex any more

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:22pm

454. 454: Indigo says:

     Lori

     I feel so intrigued by your story! I just wanted to wish you all the best for your talk today!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:39pm

455. 455: Indigo says:

     I feel that giving a man space and going and taking care of ourselves is a really good idea.

     Leaning back is where it’s at

     I could feel how D loves me in the way he kissed me on Sunday night, this is my favourite way to feel that he loves me. And wouldn’t let me go.

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 9:43pm

456. 456: Emerson says:

     429 luzydel that sounds good.. Photography is awesome! So much fun and creative…

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:35pm

457. 457: Emerson says:

     Hi dancing Siren thank you for your kind words

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:38pm

458. 458: Tereana says:

     Mercedes – I just read what you wrote in #118. That’s so cool!! I’m honored that something I wrote hit home for you Wow.

     Yes, the Universe does lead us to the right people at the right time. That feels awesome : )

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:43pm

459. 459: Tereana says:

     Shar Lean Way Back – thanks for your comment in 293. And that’s a good point. FMs are not supposed to “work” in that they are not intended to get any particular result from the other person. So maybe I should clarify.

     What I meant was that they would “work” in the sense that they would communicate to the other person what it is you are feeling inside. Communication is a 2-way street. Some people are better able to “receive” feeling messages, and some are not. The same way some of us are better at “receiving” love, and some are not as good. So we can work on ourselves to become better receivers and better communicators. But we can never control what goes on at the other end, for the other person. – which was exactly my point. We cannot control whether someone else is capable or willing to receive a feeling message. But we can control whether we give the feeling message or not. To me, sending a FM to another person is not just a perfunctory maneuver. It is gold. It is “pearls.” Imagine throwing your pearls before swine, and ask yourself if you want to do that.

     My personal philosophy is that feeling messages are very useful, and I will use them and practice them as often as I can, with everyone – not just men that I’m dating or interested in. But I will refrain from using them in situations or with people who I know are not able to appreciate their value, or recognize or honor my feelings. You, Shar LWB, and everyone else, are free to make your own decisions about how you want to use feeling messages. But this philosophy, and this way of doing it feels good to me.

     Thanks!
     Tereana

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 10:57pm

460. 460: Tereana says:

     Indigo – Yeah! (454)

     ~~~

     So, I’m still talking to Vman. Whatever. I know that he is just a “snack” now. He’s just candy. Sweetness that tastes good in small amounts, but too much makes my stomach hurt. Lol. Can’t make a meal out of that!

     And in other news, I was thinking this evening that there must be issues that I’ve struggled with in the past that I’m not struggling with right now. And darnit, but I tried to think of what they were, and I can’t. I literally can’t think of them, which means that they are probably so done with and conquered that I don’t NEED to think of them. I’ve got other issues that I’m dealing with on the forefront now. But you know what that means? Probably the things that seem so terrible and in-my-face at the moment will one day be resolved, and I will barely (if at all!) remember what they were!! hooray!

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:04pm

461. 461: Daria says:

     Have u ever had a crush where

     U first walk in the room and the man instantly likes you and you like him.

     He asks about you and you think he’s the flyest finest guy u ever seen. Way out your comfort league but he likes You!

     He says ur ex boyfriend sucks out loud ti the group and no one argues. He shows off. He’s the dominant male.

     You’re in awe

     He Always says a compliment first out of all the men. And it gets u wet. U pick him to give ur weed to …

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:56pm

462. 462: Daria says:

     Have u ever had a crush where

     U first walk in the room and the man instantly likes you and you like him.

     He asks about you and you think he’s the flyest finest guy u ever seen. Way out your comfort league but he likes You!

     He says ur ex boyfriend sucks out loud ti the group and no one argues. He shows off. He’s the dominant male.

     You’re in awe

     He Always says a compliment first out of all the men. And it gets u wet. U pick him to give ur weed to …

     Ur guy friend even whisper/comments with respect that he’s never seen the guy si forthcoming abd open even w all the group.

     Your too dazed to get its really all about you…

     Monday, 7 January 2013 @ 11:58pm

463. 463: Daria says:

     Wat made him like me ?

     I dono I never did.

     Seemed he liked me faster n even more than I liked him.

     Abd I thought he was a god. I perposefully took my friends pic of him so I could stare at his perfection

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:05am

464. 464: Daria says:

     Violette – I feel surprised, I agree with Dominique that it sounded like he was complimenting you… Maybe receivibg compomnets and noticibg what comes up (NVs, resistanxe, body feelings) that’s something to work on for you if he’s a nice guy?

     I work on that w my guy cuz he’s over the top appreciative and it feels uncomfortable ti receive.

     It sounds too like you Did get ahead of totaled physically – with this guy!

     Just cuz u are ready to sleep w the other CD doesn’t mean you didn’t get ahead of yourself physically or are ready to be having sex w this one. It’s at your confort pace w each one.

     And I wouldn’t say anything unless I already had an exclusivity agreement… My sex life is sacred and personal (maybe even married I will want private sex time/fantasies/past memories….)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:21am

465. 465: Daria says:

     Turquoise – Uhoh… Why was his ex harsh critical abd especially ‘unemotional’ ?

     What was his part in that?

     It feels scary to see a woman so engaged in describing another woman / an ex….

     I have a belief that commiserating w a man about an ex is a big shot in the foot

     I feel turned off when a guy says something like that about an ex and take it as a big red flag…

     I would Never repeat it on blog or take it at face value like he ‘has suffered and is innocemt’

     Isn’t that like overfunctioning/babying him and basically blindfolding yourself into the trap of it happening to you or whatever issue there is that has him Blame someone / an ex instead of take responsibility by not blaming… Talking about his part…

     Him talkin about her part rather than his part is a huge red flag for me

     Should it be?

     Does everyone bad mouth / blame exes?

     No…

     Blame -> emotional immaturity

     I wonder if Turquoise you blame your ex so attracted a guy who does bec u think it’s natural in an ‘everyone might do that’ way and don’t see it as a red flag…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:33am

466. 466: Daria says:

     Mmm Daria told boy it wd feel so good to be stretched and then he didn’t have to question whether stretching wd hurt her right now.

     And he did it for her and it felt so good. He was there the whole time do she wasn’t pushing in ways that hurt. And she discovered misalignments that way and tweaked them

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:37am

467. 467: Daria says:

     I feel gexgausted and also awake and ready

     Hmmm this feels good like ‘I went hard’ tired

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:09am

468. 468: Annie says:

     Indigosays:

     “Mercedes 246

     It is a beautiful thing – this really beautiful feeling washes over you when you assert your power in this way, and it’s totally unexpected. It’s a beautiful thing when you take responsibility for your own happiness.”

     Yayyy. You Rock.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:19am

469. 469: Annie says:

     Violette.

     “I really don’t want to sleep with C again. I’ve never regretted not sleeping with someone who didn’t do it for me…and at the same time, I don’t want him to go away. He cares for me in a way I haven’t experience in so long…I don’t want to dissect why I don’t like him sexually now…I just want to trust it.”

     Awesome.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:23am

470. 470: Annie says:

     464: Daria says:

     Turquoise I feel in agreement with Daria.

     A huge red flag.
     What he says about his ex is where he is stuck frozen in time and at and attracted to still. And it appears you are attracted to him. What’s the message, lesson and take away here?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:36am

471. 471: Tam says:

     Daria, yes! I feel similarly, talking bad about the ex is a red flag. But most men seem to indulge in this and some don’t stop, and even what I perceive as good men. For some strange reason they don’t focus on their part but on the woman’s part.
     I would like to find out why and want to ask the ‘what was your part in it?’.
     Because I feel curious, do they really believe it is all the ex’s fault?
     Actually, MrP for all his issues and grudges would be the first to admit his fault in the demise of his relationships..always..but he is not emotionally healthy either, so that is not always an indicator..
     I feel confused about this.
     Also, Curly talks about his ex all the time and I had wondered about stopping him, but I find it quite interesting.By the sounds of it she never fully committed to the relationship and was CDing (yay her..haha), and she did not want to get married to him either…although he asked.
     And now….tadaaaaaaa…he chose me and I am just as skittish about committing to him.
     He decribed her as cold and unaffectionate…and said I am totally different. This is interesting because many men have said I seem cold and aloof (previously). So is he still attracted to the same thing or what???
     I also always felt bad when my ex bf was talking bad about his ex wife. All was always her fault, which made me feel very cringey – how can all be her fault when he was there in the marriage also??? Where was he? And he was after 2 years still dwelling on all that. All I can say was that this woman held a lot of anger, but where did it come from? Not from thin air, he played his part in it.
     And lo and behold, after 4 months of relationship, I was getting angry also. For various reasons. I felt like siding with her!!!
     So I tread very very softly with men who bear a grudge against the ex. Because I might be in her shoes one day – and I never ever commiserate. I listen and I don’t feel comfortable.
     I listen not because I want to hear the story. I listen because it gives me a lot of clues about the man.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 4:11am

472. 472: Tam says:

     448 Violette – that sounds great.
     You make your own story!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 4:14am

473. 473: Tam says:

     Rigid belief:

     ‘It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.”

     My friend is a psychologist and she said that if we do happen to be in the wrong relationship and the right man comes along, all that is left is probably a dust cloud…she was in a relationship for 12 years that wasn’t going anywhere, she was kind of happy but had always longed for marriage and kids, her boyfriend was ambiguous – a good man but ‘not ready’. Her man came along and she just walked away from her 12 year relationship and was married with a baby 2 years later and could not be happier.

     I was snatched out of a relationship also, to enter the best one I ever had.

     Not taking a risk because it doesn’t seem perfect doesn’t guarantee meeting the right guy or the perfect man, because when one is generally closed to experiences, one is perhaps closed to the right guy also? Just a thought.

     Those limiting beliefs, like ‘everything needs to be perfect’ or ‘if I don’t block what’s not perfect, the right guy won’t show up’…do we really believe this is true? The right guy showed up for me and many of my friends while in a relationship. So it’s not always true.
     The right guy can change into the wrong guy – this happened to me also. Or the wrong guy can change into the right guy.
     If we are not open, we are not open to anything. And this does not mean settling for second best. It means staying open and curious, not getting cynic, not judging etc.
     My opinion.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 4:22am

474. 474: Femininewoman says:

     Tam your words are reminding of Rori telling her story about some time in her marriage when her husband ‘changed’ on her or was just that ‘things’ changed. When she was desperate about what was happening. Then she decided to try something new and stumbled on her success. She ended up saying he was always a good guy. She brought it back to herself and opened up to a new way of being so see could see her husband again. The perfect guy for her.

     I would love to invite you out of your logical brain now. It has proven itself. Powerful and effective. I am resonating so much with what you are saying. I would love to invite you back into your feeling body and emotional mind.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:21am

475. 475: Femininewoman says:

     I also saw the blaming of the ex but it seemed like the little speck. I felt jerked around a bit thinking that Daria had to zone into the one negative that was in the comments. Again nobody is perfect and as Dominique keep saying a man heals through the heart of a woman. Is this man on his path to healing now in Turquoise’s presence? Was what I asked myself. Does Turquoise need to go into panicking and spiraling by going to the automatic negative emotional override. Or can she use this to build her awareness around what work she has to do in herself? Does the relationship always have to be on trial by looking for every fault in the man to shake him around about? As we are all human I am looking for a man who I am conscious will have issues. I know I can handle all issues so I am comfortable to remaining open to one with issues I believe he can handle.

     It might be a red flag yes. Yet, is it a dealbreaker for Turq? Is this the kind of thing John Gottman’s theory relates to where we can choose to use 5 positives/complements for each criticism or negativity that comes up?

     How does this relate to what you focus on growing?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:29am

476. 476: Femininewoman says:

     Correction ‘I know I can’t handle all issues’

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:31am

477. 477: Femininewoman says:

     This is interesting because many men have said I seem cold and aloof (previously). So is he still attracted to the same thing or what???

     Maybe.

     But in your shoes, I would take it as a vote of confidence. You are changing.

     You might be going back and forth but you are changing. It is a process. Not an overnight success.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:34am

478. 478: Femininewoman says:

     Actually Turquoise thinking about some time ago when you were struggling with FMs, I feel good about what I read in your writing. You have made great progress.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:35am

479. 479: Tam says:

     One of MrP and my friends just got into contact offering me a tour on his plane with ‘us’..so I only dread to think who the other person is, well I know already. Thank goodness I have to work…really…going on a plane tour/trip with MrP is really not what I need right now. Lol.
     Jeez, it was tempting to go. So tempting.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:36am

480. 480: Tam says:

     OMG, I can’t believe I turned down a plane trip over the city. I am crazy. I feel mad with myself.
     Who cares that I have to work and who cares about MrP? It would have been amazing.
     Urgh.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:39am

481. 481: Femininewoman says:

     Indigo I am sending you good vibes for your meeting later on. Just keep in mind he might not initiate any talk about the ‘relationship’. He might just be focussed on building some magical moments. Lean back internally and physically. Keep your heart open. Breathe through your vagina. Keep your shoulders low, drop your lower jaw a little so your mouth is half open at times. Loosen all your muscles, especially around your stomach and drop your throughts to your vagina. When he talks be ‘over there’ with him in a state of curiosity and learning. If you have to put your hand over your mouth to shut up. If he asks laugh at yourself and let him know you want to really listen to him.

     I know it is a lot but if you focus on a little of it to relax your body and stay relaxed it might make it easier to let go of everything outcome/expectation conscious or unconscious. Let him feel you as his oasis where he can go to relax.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:41am

482. 482: Femininewoman says:

     You can always tell him you changed your mind.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:42am

483. 483: Femininewoman says:

     Violette have you explored if your sexual feeling is connected to a past experience?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:43am

484. 484: Tam says:

     481, too late, I think they are at the airport now. Maybe I dodged a bullet, who knows

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:43am

485. 485: Tam says:

     473, yep FW….just sometimes my logical brain seems to feel easier to deal with

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:45am

486. 486: Femininewoman says:

     “Everyone” does not blame/criticise exs but many people do because that is what they learned from what was modeled in front of them. Gay and Katie Hendricks are an example of that. They recognized it in their relationship after marriage and made a commitment to stop it about 30 years ago. Now they teach couples to change that pattern. I believe it is what Rori is doing also through her FM tool. Also both do talk about their exes still, but in a learning sort of way.

     It is the core of John Gottman’s work. He helps couples to identify this pattern and change it before they end up in divorce court. What better time to identify and work on it than in courtship. When a man is likely to be very open to a woman’s influence.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:51am

487. 487: Femininewoman says:

     “Why was his ex harsh critical abd especially ‘unemotional’ ?

     I wonder if this is the reason one ex left me and married the next girl he came across? One of my friends.

     I wonder if this is the reason many leave one girl and marry the next?

     I take a man saying I am unemotional as an indication that he can’t feel my heart and that I can sink more into my feelings and share.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:55am

488. 488: Tam says:

     maybe a lot of the ‘criticizing the ex’ thing is actually a man processing too? could be a good thing, though I don’t like it much, it always makes me feel on edge, like I am going to be the next one to be judged…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:59am

489. 489: Mandy says:

     Speaking of worrying about doing the wrong things…

     My guy in mind, J, is depressed because he has been fired from his job.

     Rori: “We focus on making him happy, losing weight, pretending to like sports (or whatever else he likes), stuffing down our displeasure or discomfort, or being agreeable and going with the flow…”

     That’s been what’s been happening lately with me, the whole losing weight worry, trying to keep him in a good mood, and being agreeable. I need to work in more feeling messages lately…
     I also wonder why I am obsessed with having sex all the time when it’s temporarily unavailable…

     So, I wondered about the numbness to sex one feels during a depressive period, which I thought may be close to the numbness one feels after orgasm. Before he was fired we had a WONDERFUL seven night lovemaking binge, but then since he got fired before Xmas, he has no want or need for sex, which is very understandable. (No one wants sex when they feel sad and icky.)

     As a bonus I feel sexy and glorious when/after I come Because I CAN…(yay!) So I decided to do it and write down how I felt after I gave myself an orgasm. (I’ve been having orgasms a lot lately by myself, which I view it as a blessing in and of itself really, as I feel very happy to be able to fulfill that need myself).

     I feel numb to arousal after orgasm, as expected, and wonder if this is how he feels in his body all the time. After I have an orgasm and feel no need for sex, but I feel now he is there for me maybe to talk to and get support from; I love him and I want to snuggle but maybe I need space… maybe I feel like working or sleeping. Maybe that’s how he feels all the time, like he wants to do other things that are unrelated…and maybe I shouldn’t feel icky because of the fact he does feel icky right now… On my end, the reason why I want sex a lot, like at least three times daily…is perhaps because I enjoy the closeness/vulnerability I feel with him after the sex we have (sex is something we really go through together, emotionally and physically, it shakes me up)….maybe thats one of the biggest fulfilling part of it. I feel close and special and worked on and paid attention to and sexy and relieved. Sometimes I feel I need proof he thinks I’m beautiful too…and special, sometimes, which worries me…so….
     What other things allow me to feel that way? Masturbation and touching my body, dating myself, remembering the feeling of letting go and feeling light and airy and relaxed. I think it should be okay for me to get out, visit my parents, date myself, hang out with others, etc, so I can feel what’s going on and reflect but also air out. I keep coming up wit the same option, self date, flirt, see friends if possible.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:03am

490. 490: Lori says:

     Thanks Indigo! I’m looking forward to this evening. I’m feeling positive.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:16am

491. 491: Dominique says:

     Tam – 416 – Yes exactly.

     If things over all are going well, feeling good, a misstep or two is not necessarily something to push him away for.

     Chances are good that you (hypothetical you) are not accustomed to being treated well, and so you subconsciously look for something, anything to reject this man over.

     I don’t trust my intuition implicitly, for it’s not always who is talking. It’s can just as easily be old fear habits and patterns.

     Having doubts can come from fear. Having questions is having openness and curiosity.

     Remember bringing things back to you? Something I talk about a lot. This applies everywhere.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:26am

492. 492: Dominique says:

     I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting sleeping with someone you don’t want to sleep with whether ever or in the moment. I’m talking about being open and curious to whatever a man does and says even if it feels off at first.

     Your off feeling may be accurate, yet it could very well be you, your stuff which you are projecting onto him.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:29am

493. 493: Tam says:

     Dominique, you nailed it, here is my fear in one sentence:

     ‘Chances are good that you (hypothetical you) are not accustomed to being treated well, and so you subconsciously look for something, anything to reject this man over’

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:36am

494. 494: Dominique says:

     Annie – 424 – Yes and no. If something feels bad in the moment, I would not suggest forcing oneself to continue and thus continue feeling bad.

     I would suggest taking a good look inside to see why something felt bad, questioning the strong response. Was it really bad behavior, or was it you reacting to old fears which don’t apply any longer, protections no longer needed.

     It’s common for someone to not be able to recognize being treated well if they have not experienced before, or if it’s recognized, rejecting it from unconscious feelings of unworthiness.

     Bad boy behavior can be very enticing to many women, and they get hurt over and over. When a good man shows up, he may feel boring in comparison.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:37am

495. 495: Dominique says:

     Tam – 430 – yes, yes, yes…

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:39am

496. 496: Dominique says:

     Femininewoman – 434 –

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:40am

497. 497: Tam says:

     Mancrack anonymous confession:
     I still have feelings for MrP

     Just realised by the plane episode, my heart was racing and I felt panic that I might see him today.
     Oh boy.

     I feel fear of bumping into him with Curly one day, much like what happened with exbf…and exbf knew straight away…and there were two people who obviously had feelings for each other and it was so bloody obvious that ex picked up on it…and Curly or another man would also.
     And I would be back to square 1.

     Perhaps I really dodged a major bullet. I delayed it.
     Our common friend, actually friends, are moving down here for a few months next month and there will be socialising with MrP…and I haven’t got a clue how to handle that. Because as soon as we meet, as soon as we are in contact , it’s always ‘back on’.
     I do not want to avoid my friends.
     I need to heal this, and heal this fast.
     I want to feel ok with socialising.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:41am

498. 498: Linda says:

     I dont want any limiting beliefs. I do have some and they feel concerning to me. I want to weed them out and remove all their tiny little roots. I dont even know if that is possible.

     I have empowering beliefs too. They feel like fresh air to me. I want to breathe them in all the time.

     I read thru this thread and was particularly inpacted by the post #53. One of my goal this year is to be AUTHENTIC. I also pride myself on being responsive to things in life rather than reacting to it. Responding, while orderly and thoughtful.. does not always allow for my feelings to be expressed. I have to work on getting to know ALL my feelings.. even the ones that orginate from my “drama queen”. I have some inner work to do still. I hope I can become genuinely authentic no matter where my feelings lead me.

     ——

     I have had som wonderful dates this past week end, each CD in my rotation has shown up and given and I received…. Saturday was with longdistanceCD… a very lovely day, breakfast,shopping,wine tasting, dinner… then later bowling with RacecarDriverCD. I had a lovely day. Interesting though… FavoriteCD had been quiet.. then when I am out with LongdistanceCD he gets real texty and chatty (tried to call me) hmmmm Wonder if they sense I am out doing something else with someone else. Is a bit uncanny LOL

     Sunday evening FavoriteCD and I had a movie date. I had a terrific week end! He is such a kind hearted giving man. He feels so comfy and I

     LongdistanceCD… I felt able to just be me and open to receive what he brought to me as well… (bought me 4 bottles of wine from the tasting) I sorta felt he was watching me too close.. but he was kinda discombobulated and taken with me… he went the wrong way two times… and after a bit I inquired where we were headed and he would turn around. (haha)

     RacecardriverCD… he brought me a snowblower! (he had two) I was shocked and excited.

     OPEN and Receiving…. Open and receiving

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:49am

499. 499: Mercedes says:

     Indigo: “Like you, I would have felt guilty for doing it in the past, but spending time really loving on myself made it quite easy. ”

     Yes…that is so true and the more we practice loving ourselves, the easier and more natural it gets.

     “I learned from how you handled the situation with J!”

     And that is why I tell my story. If I had been out here learning, things would have been so different and it wouldn’t have taken me near as long to start feeling better (and I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I made getting to where we are now). I think blogs like this are so important and if my story can help someone else learn a new tool or feel good about something they’ve done or inspire them to do something different then sharing my pain will be worth it. I love hearing feedback like this. It really warms my heart. Thank you!

     Tereana: Yes…the universe does that indeed and your post was certainly something I needed that day and fit in EXACTLY with my morning meditation. It gave me goose bumps!

     Annie: “I am perfect in all my imperfections.
     And I don’t want Mr perfect as he does not exist.
     I want Mr perfect for me who has his imperfections that are tolerable and not deal breakers for me.
     The best soul match for me.
     I would rather be alone than settle and be with the wrong person for me.”

     I LOVE this!! The only difference for me is the word “tolerable”…you can reach the place where your partner’s “imperfections” are not even noticeable or better yet have become the most amazing parts of what makes them who they are. I am blind to any “imperfections” in J now. I only see him as this incredible human being who I am blessed to have as my love. It’s not to say I think he’s perfect. It is to say what you indicate above. I think he’s perfect for me.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 6:50am

500. 500: Femininewoman says:

     Lori 480 was meant for you. I called you Indigo instead. Sorry.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:08am

501. 501: Mercedes says:

     Linda: This is exactly me right now only I couldn’t have said it near as eloquently (which might be a limiting belief in itself but it is also a compliment to you and how you express): “I dont want any limiting beliefs. I do have some and they feel concerning to me. I want to weed them out and remove all their tiny little roots. I dont even know if that is possible.”

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:08am

502. 502: Lori says:

     Tonight is the night ladies. I know I can’t say the wrong thing but I wish I could practice on someone what I want to say!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:09am

503. 503: Linda says:

     FavoriteCD is pretty close to my perfect combination of “my man” (except for the amount of communication between us… I would like more).

     I believe I called him in to my life. He feels like the man I visualized but even more!

     Yeah

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:10am

504. 504: Lori says:

     Thank you FW. I appreciate your input and will definitely remember.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:11am

505. 505: Femininewoman says:

     Stand in front of the mirror and practice talking WITH yourself so later you don’t talk TO him. Remember he is human and have feelings that he wants validated and concerns about his own life, also preferences of what he would want for his life.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:21am

506. 506: Tam says:

     I also have a talk coming on tonight and not sure I can handle that..
     Yikes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:27am

507. 507: Annie says:

     493: Dominique.

     I hear what you are saying Dominique.

     What feels bad to me and is sadly something society has been taught to do a lot is when someone negates another persons real feelings especially to women.
     It’s called gas lighting. And I do not like it one little bit and will call people on it when I hear it.

     I’ll give some examples.

     A man or woman makes a ‘joke’ that they think is funny. the recipient does not think it is funny and clearly states they do not find it funny and feel ‘insert whatever icky feeling ‘ that the individual felt and do not want to listen to jokes like that. so chooses to walk away and not listen to them.
     The man or women who made a joke along with others who find it amusing tell the person who doesn’t find it funny ” Oh I thought it was he was only joking, that’s just a her/his sense of humor. Basically making out that the recipients feelings are WRONG because they don’t feel the same. The recipient feelings are NOT WRONG and doesn’t maen she doesn’t have a sense of humor. It means she has a different sense of humor. And the people who find it funny are not wrong who do find it funny. It means that their humor is not compatible.

     example number 2.
     A man or gives a compliment to a woman about a body part. And are critical about about the same body part on other women.
     The recipient does not like this. It feel Yuck to her and makes her feel like women are pieces of meat being judged on their outer body parts rather that their insides and who they really are.
     Her feelings of Yuck are NOT WRONG, just because other women don’t feel Yuck in those circumstances.
     She feels Yuck and doesn’t like it END OF!
     And to try and tell that women ” oh you misjudged him, he is a man men our visual’ and basically say your feelings are WRONG is plain ans simple gas lighting and arguing with the reality of that womans individuals feelings.

     So what if he someone means it as a compliment or is just joking?
     If the other person doesn’t find it funny or like it and doesn’t want to here it they do not like it and don’t want to here it!

     Some people are not bothered by sexist, racist, homophobic inset whatever you like. And some are.

     Some people are not bothered by women being objectified and some are.

     And in Violettes case she did felt Yuck and objectified hence the piece of meat comment. You state that you wouldn’t have felt like that as did others fair enough I get that and I also get Violette that she did. Neither of you are wrong.

     What I do not like is the gas lighting and making out that Violettes feelings are wrong!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:29am

508. 508: Iamabutterfly says:

     It felt really bad to have my comments @345 & @346 ignored.

     I’ve been learning so much lately, so I want to type out my feelings.

     It still hasn’t quite sunk in, just HOW sensitive I am. I was talking to a less sensitive gf of mine, and she offered me a different perspective that helped me to more clearly see my own sensitivity that I wasn’t even aware of. I know I am sensitive, but I need to be more aware of this sensitivity when I am feeling triggered.

     I feel good that my comments got ignored when I really wanted feedback for two reasons: I need to learn that I can take care of MYSELF! I can work out my own problems, identify my own feelings, and find solutions ALL BY MYSELF.

     I feel proud of myself for reminding myself of this truth!

     So, sweet Llama Butterfly, here is a great link to a blog post that Rori wrote about this subject in your comments @345 and @346.

     http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/is-he-off-limits-because-he-has-a-girlfriend/

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:38am

509. 509: Violette says:

     Daria, Femininewoman, and Dominique, I’m so grateful for everyone’s input. I think I found C’s words offputting because I simply wasn’t feeling turned on, and there I was naked, and he was so much more into it than me. It’s chemistry. If there’s something deeper to it then it’s over my head.
     Thanks Annie for the encouragement, it really does feel good to take my feelings at face value with sex.
     I feel clearer on what I need to do, but freaked to do it…tell him I need more time sexually. But if I stay in my feelings and take it moment by moment, well I can have more courage that way.
     Also thinking of J so much…miss him.
     Nervous to see D on Thurs, because I don’t know what he wants from me, and it seems he’s displeased.
     Part of me wants to take a break from dating for a while. I feel so stressed.
     But the courage of so many women on this blog inspires me too.
     Tam best wishes with being open and expressive with Curly! It sounds like he is a great teacher in your life.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:40am

510. 510: Femininewoman says:

     Violette – Part of me wants to take a break from dating for a while. I feel so stressed.

     This could possibly be a clue to those feelings. I am now wondering if you felt obligated to “go there” with him in any way. Or were you going there but thinking of someone else, hoping it was the other person?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:48am

511. 511: Tam says:

     Annie 506, nobody actually said Violettes feelings were ‘wrong’, could this all be your trigger/defense/explaining?
     Just wondering.
     Feelings can’t be wrong, they are.
     Perceptions, however, what someone else means by interpreting or misinterpreting words..well.
     When a man makes a compliment, he most likely does not mean to offend/see a woman as a piece of meat etc.
     Can we expect a good intention or do we have to pull everything into a negative?
     And how much better would it be for our self esteem, if we actually tried to flip it to the positive, which is most likely how it was meant to be:
     He fancies my body and all of me.
     Wouldn’t that feel so much better compared to:
     He thinks I am a piece of meat.

     This is where we make men wrong. They won’t make a compliment again, when they get smacked with a ‘you make me feel like a piece of meat’.
     And then we feel bad because we never get compliments. Poor guy. Can’ win. Ever.

     Curly said that I am one of the few women he knows that can accept a compliment with a simple ‘thank you’ and a smile, and how that makes him feel great….and yes, he rubbed me up the wrong way one time by calling me plain. And I called him out on it and said it doesn’t feel great to be called plain. He was mortified and explained that it was supposed to be a compliment because I am different and I look good without spending hours in front of a mirror or having any fake stuff in my body.
     I still don’t like hearing that because I am anything but ‘plain’ – but I got his point.
     Why would I make someone ‘wrong’ when they are trying to be nice to me? Makes no sense, sounds like self-punishment.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:48am

512. 512: Iamabutterfly says:

     This post http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/is-he-off-limits-because-he-has-a-girlfriend/ within itself triggered me majorly.

     I totally relate to the girl who typed in the question that Rori answered.

     But it feels good because I feel myself moving away from her. Not that there’s anything “wrong” with her, but she obviously does flirt with this guy who has a girlfriend, (not that there’s anything “wrong” with that either. It just feels best to me to live by the golden rule, and if I was in an exclusive bf/gf relationship with a man, it would feel bad to know that he was flirting with some random single chick.)

     This resonated with me coming from the viewpoint of the girlfriend who had a guy like this:

     “But then once I broke up with him he stalked me for like 5 years, and when I caught him sitting in a parking lot one day when I came out of a grocery store, I even asked him why he can’t just let it go…I mean he was the one who was flirting and wanting to go out with other girls while we were together without telling me, etc. He said cause I was the only one who ever rejected him. So it sounded like an insecurity / ego thing to me. If he treats the girlfriend the way you say, then who says he wouldn’t do the same to you. ”

     I feel relief and pride for myself….

     yaaaaaay!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:51am

513. 513: Tam says:

     Violette, you can take a break?
     I did it too, and still do when I want to and it makes me feel much better and clearer…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:51am

514. 514: Mercedes says:

     Iamabutterfly: I’m so sorry you didn’t get feedback. I know what that feels like as I have been there myself.

     I didn’t read the articles your posted links to but in my opinion, it looks to me like you know what you want and don’t want: “I don’t want to be friends with him!

     I feel too much to be friends with him!

     and you know what?

     I don’t even want to date him, because his behavior is so shady!”

     So now, if you want him to know all that, you’ll probably have to make it clear (in no uncertain terms) by telling him and by walking away from him and by keeping yourself away from him and turning off your responsiveness to him.

     As far as turning off the hormones, the best way to do that is to probably focus on WHY you don’t want to date him. If you know his behavior his so shady, it will only be a matter of time before your body knows it too.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:53am

515. 515: Dominique says:

     Annie – I understand what you are saying. Really I do. And I’m not asking anyone to negate their feelings. I an asking them to expand their views.

     And this is about YOU (hypothetical you) getting to feel better.

     If you can see that someone is not meaning harm, is in fact trying to make you feel good, YOU get to feel better.

     And you can also express how you feel about it if it still seems appropriate. eg. “it would feel better…”

     There is no stuffing of feelings going on here at all.

     I am very, very sensitive to women being objectified. Yet I also recognize that this is MY thing, and my thing often has nothing to do with what’s really going on. There is a fine line between objectification and appreciation, and this difference is in the intent and the person expressing one or the other.

     So I may have felt exactly as Violette did in that moment, yet I would have done my best to deeper inside myself with this and taken it back to me to see if and why I was being triggered so much. I would have questioned whether this was truly objectification or a man’s maybe not so smooth attempt at appreciation.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:53am

516. 516: Dominique says:

     Iamabutterly – 507 – “I feel good that my comments got ignored when I really wanted feedback for two reasons: I need to learn that I can take care of MYSELF! I can work out my own problems, identify my own feelings, and find solutions ALL BY MYSELF.

     I feel proud of myself for reminding myself of this truth!”

     SO YAY YOU!!! I feel proud of you too.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:55am

517. 517: Iamabutterfly says:

     I also need to remind myself that I only usually respond to comments here when I want to express sympathy, when I find that I can relate to what the person is saying, if I feel like I can offer assistance/perspective, or if I feel really curious about a woman’s particular situation.

     It doesn’t mean anything bad about me if I get ignored here.

     My negative voices sometimes have a rock concert when I feel like my needs aren’t being met in some way.

     But I need to always remember that “I” can meet my own needs!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:58am

518. 518: Annie says:

     472: Tam says:

     Feel pleased to hear that your psychiatrist friend stopped settling for what she didn’t want and ended up with a better more compatible person for her.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:59am

519. 519: Iamabutterfly says:

     @513 Mercedes & @515 Dominique – Thank you, ladies! Your feedback felt great, even though I didn’t technically “need” it.

     Once again, I had zero expectations and was surprised with warm support.

     I feel great.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:03am

520. 520: Annie says:

     514: Dominique says:
     I hear you.

     If a man criticizes another womans appearance whilst complimenting ours how does that sit with you?

     What are your thoughts if he says, ” great pair of tits you have, not like some other saggy old things I have seen?

     Or love your neat pussy, not like some straggly ugly piss flaps I’ve come across?

     Feel curious to your thoughts on these judgments on womens body parts.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:04am

521. 521: Iamabutterfly says:

     also, I took an emotional intelligence quiz online because I felt curious about it, and I scored high in the area of emotional intelligence!

     That made me feel so great!

     I’m on my horse, living my life, and I can feel myself growing…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:05am

522. 522: Annie says:

     Scrap the says part in the above two posts.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:07am

523. 523: Violette says:

     Dominique and Tam, I feel a little like this has become about the specific words he said…when it had to do with the way he said them. I have no problems with a man saying sweet things to me in bed! But if felt like he was so grateful, like I was doing him a favor, like he wanted to say thank you. I’m sure some women don’t mind that, but to me, obviously, it was not sexy. I’m feeling tired like there is a debate about how I’m supposed to feel here, and it’s not even with me, it’s with each other! My situation is specific to me, and I know you all don’t know me, but I am saying that this is how I feel and I know he isn’t a jerk, and I am not writing him off because he gave me compliments. I’m feeling triggered now.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:08am

524. 524: Violette says:

     And Annie it really does feel good to be stood up for.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:09am

525. 525: Femininewoman says:

     Really Annie, though I am not Dominique, I can’t imagine her ever being in any intimate relationship with a man who would talk like that. I believe before she or I got to the bedroom we would have gotten some bearing on the man’s values.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:10am

526. 526: Annie says:

     Dominique.
     Just because someone does not mean harm or intend it, that does not mean the other person will not feel harmed.

     That applies to physical and psychological harm.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:10am

527. 527: Starla says:

     memulo 450 wtf that’s ridiculous, i can’t believe you even think about yourself that way.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:13am

528. 528: ruth says:

     519
     How the H8ll did Pi$$ flaps get through moderation;)

     I didnt realise that phrase was used across the pond

     its a fine line-the compliment/objectification thing

     There is a wide variation of reaction to it all isnt there

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:16am

529. 529: Dominique says:

     Annie – 519 – this is not at all what we are talking about here.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:16am

530. 530: Annie says:

     “My situation is specific to me”

     Absofuckingloutely.! Amen to that.

     Wish you all the best with your continuing journey of trusting your higher self. Above trusting other peoples opinions on your specific situation.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:20am

531. 531: Annie says:

     Annie – 519 – this is not at all what we are talking about here.

     xxoo..

     Really?
     To me I do not see the feet comment any differently to if it were boobs or pussy.

     All body parts to me.

     But if you think differently fair enough.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:22am

532. 532: Annie says:

     Violette.

     “My situation is specific to me”

     Absofuckin555555loghtutely.! Amen to that.

     Wish you all the best with your continuing journey of trusting your higher self. Above trusting other peoples opinions on your specific situation.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:23am

533. 533: Annie says:

     Violette.

     “My situation is specific to me”

     Wish you all the best with your continuing journey of trusting your higher self. Above trusting other peoples opinions on your specific situation.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:24am

534. 534: Femininewoman says:

     Reading here at times I can’t help but wonder how a man experiences me. That’s why I stay open to their comments and holding an intention that they mean well.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:25am

535. 535: Tam says:

     519 Annie, that made me laugh out loud. I believe a man coming out with those exact words would be thrown out of my bedroom quicker than he could collect his clothes together.
     Although, I must admit, I have had similar said to me recently, albeit a lot more eloquently..perhaps that’s what made the difference..I did not feel offended, I felt rather pleased actually.
     Hm.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:27am

536. 536: Starla says:

     aw, qz called me this morning now that he’s back to work. he’s a teacher so he has been on break all this time we’ve been back together. i sooo missed how he called me every single morning when he got to work. we chatted for a couple of minutes and then i went for a run:). It felt so good to have that balance of enjoying his presence in my life and then taking care of myself.

     hehe and now he is texting me about how talking to me in the morning made his day.

     he’s been gushing about me nonstop and i can barely handle it. i’ve told him a few times “you’re crazy!” cuz it’s so intense… it’s a bit overwhelming but i hope it never stops:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:30am

537. 537: BeLoved says:

     I had a miscommunication with an online vendor due to unconscious expectations on my part – once I expressed those expectations, and adjusted them to the reality of the situation, we had this exchange – I was going to blow him off, but I decided to use this as practice instead:

     W: I apologize if you feel patronized, but this was the farthest thing from my
     mind, it would show lack of respect and my elders imprinted on me to respect
     strangers unconditionally; my goal was to be clear, not everyone
     communicates or expresses themselves in the same manner.

     Yes, I agree completely, you are not wrong for having thoughts and
     expectations different from others, but you are wrong for thinking everyone
     will understand your unspoken words and attitudes; in your own words you
     admit we are all different.

     This misunderstanding of my words shows me there is a strong disconnect
     between us and this makes me feel my work will not render you the service
     and help you seek.

     Me: My heart feels wrenched reading “you are wrong” along with an
     assumption about what I think that doesn’t match my experience.
     I invite you to explore this judgment/assumption: “you are wrong for
     thinking everyone will understand your unspoken words and attitudes;”
     It feels like a little knife to my heart to feel rebuffed and disconnected.
     I feel curious and wonder what it would take to feel connected, instead?
     What do you think?

     ~~

     What do you Sirens think?
     I feel frustrated that he seems pedantic and wanting to go back to the fact that I didn’t communicate what I wanted upfront and can’t seem to catch up to the fact that I saw my error in thinking and corrected it to meet the situation (I didn’t realize that just now).

     Basically I was playing around with Siren energy to see if he would offer it for free, and when he didn’t and I asked for the price and the above email is how he responded.

     What’s coming up now is:
     “I feel frustrated when men can’t keep up”
     “I really really really really f*cking hate it when men are so pedantic”
     which is actually reminding me of one specific man, T, who did things like yell at me for 15 minutes for not letting him talk, without realizing that I was absolutely silent, listening to him talk about not letting him talk, like his mind couldn’t catch up with the situation.
     Oh, and thinking of M, who said something to me that I agreed with, and then he continued a one-sided argument about what he thought and I was like, “Hey, hey HEY, I’m AGREEING with you, that fits, what you are saying about me, you are right, it makes sense,” and he just kept on.

     RRRRggggh.

     It feels good to use this as practice and not feel like the fate of the whole world depends on this person and this interaction, ahaha.

     I feel curious and wonder what other sirens think?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:33am

538. 538: Tam says:

     I’ve had compliments on my ‘bits’ and honestly, the first time I heard this from a man I was cringing…but I guess that was my stuff. Perhaps I did not like my ‘bits’?
     Now, I have no problems with that anymore.
     So what if my man loved my itsy bitsy bits and boobs and thinks they are somehow different/special whatever from other women’s. Why not? I am not arguing. Why would I?
     It sounds all good to me

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:33am

539. 539: Dominique says:

     Femininewoman – 531 – “That’s why I stay open to their comments and holding an intention that they mean well.”

     YES, and the more you hold this intention, the less those who truly have bad intent will show up until they no longer show up at all.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:37am

540. 540: Dominique says:

     BeLoved – Your words were awesome. YAY you.

     The thoughts and feelings which are coming up for you now are thoughts and feelings to observe, maybe notice if there’s a pattern showing up for you, one you might no longer need.

     You might ask yourself what is it about this man seems pedantic. Where has this shown up before. (which you did). Is there something “bad” about another person not being able to keep up with you?
     Do you feel annoyed with yourself when you have trouble keeping up with others?

     I think you handled this brilliantly. Now I suggest you explore your insides.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:43am

541. 541: Starla says:

     lol@ piss flaps

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:44am

542. 542: Mercedes says:

     Dominique & FW,

     “That’s why I stay open to their comments and holding an intention that they mean well.”

     I am going to do what I can to train myself to believe this: “YES, and the more you hold this intention, the less those who truly have bad intent will show up until they no longer show up at all.”

     I don’t know if that’s because I really want to believe it or I really want those people to go away but either way…I’m going to train myself to believe it.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:48am

543. 543: Starla says:

     534 beloved, i’m not sure what to make of this. it seemed like you just got pedantic right back? “I invite you to explore this judgment/assumption: “you are wrong for
     thinking everyone will understand your unspoken words and attitudes;””

     If I were in a bad mood, i’d reciprocate with an “invitation” to go f*ck yourself, cuz i’m super sensitive to pedantic/condescending words myself. do you know what i mean?

     anyway apart from that i would never use that kind of heart-focused talk in a business setting. the knife to the heart bit is ummm over the top.

     i like that he’s just some online vendor and you can get the practice in:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:50am

544. 544: Shar Lean Way Back says:

     Tereana, 458 Thanks for the calification. I know some get the impression the tools are to get someone back or make “them” act or feel a certain way. What you said is right on.

     Dominque: 493 514 Yes! the key for me “And this is about YOU (hypothetical you) getting to feel better.”
     Empasis on hypothetical you.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:51am

545. 545: Kathy says:

     Hello my fellow sirens and Rori. It has been awhile since I have been on here because I have been getting to know someone slowly and things have been going pretty good. I have been using all the tools and leaning back. He is completely different then any guy I have dated. I feel like I am trying on a new pair of shoes that fit really good but the style is really different and that is what I’m trying to adjust to. So this is where I need a little help with trying to express my feelings because this is all new territory for me and he is a super nice guy.

     There is one situation in particular that has happened and I’m not sure how to handle it because I know I have to tread very carefully with this so I don’t put my foot in my mouth. Last week we disused finally having sex for the first time so we did and it was not good at all. In fact it was just really awkward. He just doesn’t turn me on like the normal guys I usually date but when I’m with him I feel good and when he leaves I feel good. Every time I spend time with him I see something new I like but I feel myself acting weird and not myself because I am trying to process everything and deal with a new set of emotions and feelings that I have never felt before. I see in return that he has backed off as well because I know he can sense my vibe. I’m just feeling so many emotions and I just don’t know where to start. Help!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:03am

546. 546: k2012 says:

     275-Memulo, I haven’t spoken to him over the phone at all so while he sent happy birthday greetings on my page, I didn’t receive any phone call from him. He made attempts as I mentioned but hang up before I answered the phone. Did I tell u he called my sister (the one overseas in the same country as him). He also text her. My sister and I were his good friends for years, long before he and I got involved. When he called my sister two times, my sister just listened to his conversation. She didn’t ask him about what he did to me as she didn’t want to interfere. I wanted her to mention it but agreed with her when she said she didn’t want to look like she was interfering. I totally understood, put myself in her position and agreed with her. She didn’t mention my name to him at all. Hairdresser/relationship counsellor says he is searching for information but nobody is telling him anything as my sister overseas is not saying anything to him and of course he is not hearing from me(well he wouldn’t, understandably). 399-Lori, just getting to respond. If he loves u, he will come back to u. Take it to the lord in prayer. I trust that your meeting will go well with him today. Let us know what is happening.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:05am

547. 547: Starla says:

     (((((((((Kathy)))))))))

     I hope Rori can answer you

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:08am

548. 548: Iamabutterfly says:

     @542 Kathy – Maybe the timing just isn’t right for sex. Sex is a big deal for both men and women, and if you don’t feel like having it with him yet, there is nothing wrong with that.

     Maybe you could say, “You know, during and after our talk about sex, I felt really awkward. I don’t like feeling awkward, because I feel so good when I’m with you. My awkward feelings make me want to wait on sex, I’m just feeling so many new, exciting, and wonderful things with you, it’s hard for me to deal with it all. It would feel good to wait. What do you think?”

     I have a very conservative, Christian view of sex myself. I don’t believe I have “issues” around it, I express my sexuality by simply being myself and feel turned on and off just like anyone else does. But I’m waiting until I’m married, and try not to put myself in compromising positions with men, and I do tell them how I’m feeling about it all, and I can’t remember a man ever losing respect for me for it. I’ve had some men completely disappear, but I can tell they still respected me, and maybe even felt not good enough for me because of my high standards.

     Good luck!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:12am

549. 549: BeLoved says:

     540

     Starla
     Reading this made me feel a little sick and woozy and gave me hot prickles

     I thought it was a little over the top and drama-queen too, and I thought, ‘He’s going to think, this woman has issues…’
     and yet it was true.

     If it were just jewelry or clothes or something I wouldn’t have bothered, it’s a very specific item for a specialized metaphysical purpose which not many people make – and I can also see how it just hurts when my lofty, visionary ideals (I’m an Aquarius!) aren’t shared by others who it seems would be like-minded.

     And you’re right…and it’s good because what Rori says about FM’s being about seeing what’s going on with us makes more sense.

     At this point, I don’t really want what the guy is offering anymore, because I feel like if it worked like it allegedly does, there wouldn’t be so much distortion in our communication.

     I felt conflict – I was going to just let it go, I told myself I don’t need to have the last word and wow I feel super vulnerable now because if he doesn’t respond or responds calling me a nutcase or something it isn’t going to feel good.

     Ick.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:12am

550. 550: Iamabutterfly says:

     and by some men, I may or may not mean only one. I haven’t dated much at all…

     I feel embarassed…and proud!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:16am

551. 551: Starla says:

     ohhh beloved, when you said vendor i imagined someone who provides services to your business. but you were just trying to buy something from him for yourself, right? i had it wrong!

     my original comment needs revision, then!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:17am

552. 552: Kathy says:

     Thank you Starla. I hope Rori can give me some sort of guidance on this. I remember Rori saying that when you do meet someone that is good for you it is going to feel completely different and it has been. From the beginning I have not been very nice to him and told him that when I met him for the first time his picture did not match what he looks like in person. I was actually looking for every reason to stop talking to him but I had fallen for his personality and he is just so open and willing to talk about emotions that I just take it day by day. Each day he continually grows on me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:17am

553. 553: Mercedes says:

     Kathy: If it were me, I would back off the sex thing. It sounds like you are not ready for it with him and you can tell him that. Even though you didn’t rush into it, looking back, you have some regrets and need to feel better before it happens again (just a suggestion on how to tell him. of course you’ll want to insert your own feelings about it).

     And then I would proceed with the dating and getting to know him and friendship. I believe that attraction (including sexual attraction) can grow but I also believe that even if it doesn’t, you can come away from this with a new friend…a friend who is different than anyone you had in your life before…and friend who can offer you new perspectives on life and new and strange experiences with regard to relationships and personality.

     I wouldn’t panic though and I wouldn’t put too much stock in a one time sexual experience that didn’t go as planned. You might even allow yourself to believe that it could have been better and will get better as you get to know each other more (and feel comfortable talking about what you like/don’t like in bed and when you reach a place where guiding him and exploring with him is fun) and chalk this experience up to a combination of nerves and not knowing you well enough.

     (PS: I would also love to hear Rori’s take on this one)

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:17am

554. 554: Sassy says:

     Tam,
     #496- still have feelings for Mr P-yep, the oxytocin.
     It’s rough stuff!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:23am

555. 555: Dominique says:

     BeLoved – 546 – Why care what he thinks? You can’t control this anyway. Expressing yourself and your feelings is about you, figuring out what is you do feel, and getting those feelings out.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:25am

556. 556: Dominique says:

     Ditto 550 Kathy.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:26am

557. 557: Iamabutterfly says:

     Something I’m proud of: I have a co-worker who is higher up in the company than me, who walks by my desk every day.

     As far as I’ve heard and can tell, he is single.

     He is definitely attracted to me, and he even got shy today when I held eye contact for five seconds.

     It felt scary to hold eye contact.
     and it feels scary, because seems older than me, and it feels scary, because he is higher up in the company than me.

     I just feel really proud of myself for holding eye contact. It was kind of a big deal for me, seeing as I usually don’t do that with older men that I’m attracted to.

     (truthfully, I’m usually NOT attracted to older men, unless they are married, of course…silly me)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:30am

558. 558: Calypso says:

     Hi Sirens!

     I’m so far behind on the blog I will never catch up now!

     My son went back tot he Marines yesterday – I’m sad, but proud. Looking forward to our next visit.

     I have still not contacted GM and have not heard a word from him – it has been a month today since our last contact when he sounded so cold to me and I knew somethign was “off” – even more “off” than our normal dysfunctional friends with benefits “relationship”. This was a good Rori post for me to read – to remember her advice to me over a year ago when he did the exact same thing this guy in the article did and i did the same thing she did – agreed to hook up – yuck.

     So – I’m one month into my two years of getting over him instaed of being a year into it if i had listened to Rori – sigh. Live and learn. I don’t think I was capable of letting him go then, but I am now.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:31am

559. 559: Annie says:

     “536: BeLovedsays:

     “W: I apologize if you feel patronized, but this was the farthest thing from my
     mind, it would show lack of respect and my elders imprinted on me to respect
     strangers unconditionally; my goal was to be clear, not everyone
     communicates or expresses themselves in the same manner.”

     Ouch! this feel icky to me.
     His feelings belong to him.
     Why are you apologizing for his feelings?
     If you are sorry for what you said. I’m sorry is all that is needed with no expiation.
     When a but or an explanation is followed by I’m sorry it feels really bad to me.
     Explaining is a form of control.

     Yes, I agree completely, you are not wrong for having thoughts and
     expectations different from others, but you are wrong for thinking everyone
     will understand your unspoken words and attitudes; in your own words you
     admit we are all different.

     This misunderstanding of my words shows me there is a strong disconnect
     between us and this makes me feel my work will not render you the service
     and help you seek.

     “Me: My heart feels wrenched reading “you are wrong” along with an
     assumption about what I think that doesn’t match my experience.
     I invite you to explore this judgment/assumption: “you are wrong for
     thinking everyone will understand your unspoken words and attitudes;”
     It feels like a little knife to my heart to feel rebuffed and disconnected.
     I feel curious and wonder what it would take to feel connected, instead?
     What do you think?”

     You feel feel heartbroken and disconnected. Hugs. X
     Not nice feelings.
     I do believe he is right thinking that not everyone will understand another persons words and attitudes.
     This may make us feel sad and heartbroken and disconnected but it is reality and the truth.
     To feel better about accepting this truth, if you feel able to put your hand over your heart and feel the heartbreaking painful truth that not everyone will understand another persons words and attitude and let the tears flow, hopefully you will then start to feel lighter and better about this. X

     ~~

     “What do you Sirens think?
     I feel frustrated that he seems pedantic and wanting to go back to the fact that I didn’t communicate what I wanted upfront and can’t seem to catch up to the fact that I saw my error in thinking and corrected it to meet the situation (I didn’t realize that just now).”

     I understand you feel frustrated, we have no control over others being pedantic and not wanting at this moment in time to rectify your conflict or give you another chance.
     It is all learning. Hugs. X

     “Basically I was playing around with Siren energy to see if he would offer it for free, and when he didn’t and I asked for the price and the above email is how he responded.”

     Were you playing games?
     Did you have an expectation?
     Or were you take it or leave it what will be will be?

     “What’s coming up now is:
     “I feel frustrated when men can’t keep up”
     “I really really really really f*cking hate it when men are so pedantic”
     which is actually reminding me of one specific man, T, who did things like yell at me for 15 minutes for not letting him talk, without realizing that I was absolutely silent, listening to him talk about not letting him talk, like his mind couldn’t catch up with the situation.
     Oh, and thinking of M, who said something to me that I agreed with, and then he continued a one-sided argument about what he thought and I was like, “Hey, hey HEY, I’m AGREEING with you, that fits, what you are saying about me, you are right, it makes sense,” and he just kept on.

     RRRRggggh.”

     We have no control over men or anyone else.
     Or how fast they process.

     “It feels good to use this as practice and not feel like the fate of the whole world depends on this person and this interaction, ahaha.”

     Feel pleased to hear that.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:32am

560. 560: Kathy says:

     @iamabutterfly I really like your feeling message. I think you are right maybe I jumped the gun a little bit and thought I was ready but I really am not and am freaking out for being the one to push having sex. I mean I got to a point where I was angry and frustrated with him because he has not made any sort of move yet. I actually took offense to it and asked him if he was even attracted to me. (How crazy do I sound right now?!)
     This is why this is so different to me because when I normally date a guy by this time we are so into each other that we can’t wait any longer. So my brain is saying “hey why haven’t you had sex with this guy yet? What is wrong with you?” but my heart is saying “no that is a mistake you are not ready.”
     I guess I just feel like a jack*** about the whole thing and don’t know what to do about it.

     @mercedes thank you for the kind words. Just talking my emotions through with you guys has really helped me. I completely agree that I need to scale back with him. My mind is so clouded with emotions that I can’t think clearly about it.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:35am

561. 561: BeLoved says:

     Dominique thank you for the positive feedback!

     I feel kinda sick now…I don’t even want to go anywhere near my email, hahaha! I want to crawl under a rock.

     I am feeling like
     I did something wrong
     It’s up to me to make it right
     I ignored the fact that this guy responded to my FM’s with “you are wrong for…” (something that isn’t even me) and sort of threw myself into oncoming traffic again to be hurt instead of riffing here…
     but, that was also my choice, to use it as practice
     so, there’s that.

     Is this how I respond to perceived rejection?
     Was I feeling rejected?
     Yes.
     Oh.
     k.

     Oh, okay, I’m seeing something more clearly –
     oh, it’s good! I took a risk and told the truth and he STILL said no, he rejected the ‘real’ me,
     and it stung
     and I communicated that.
     Ooohhh, this is good…!!

     Wow, yesterday in the car on the way home I mean I screamed and growled primal, bellowing sounds and toned and toned…pure sound was just pouring out of me, I wasn’t ‘trying’, it was just happening.
     Oh…so cool!
     Rejection trigger!
     I actually felt the feelings!!!
     And kept my heart open!
     Hoo-frickin’ ray for me!!!!

     Thanks again, Starla…
     I love my pedantic self, I love my inner conflict, I love my feelings of unworthiness and uncertainty, I love my drama queen…
     love love love LOVE to meeeeee!!

     No wonder I feel stronger today!
     I asked C if he was leaving for lunch today because he did yesterday at the last minute and I acted like I didn’t care and today felt very clear about telling him, “I DO care when you aren’t here, I DO miss you, I DO feel impacted, it DOES matter, just so you know.” I feel tired of trying to be “cool” and I can be expressive without blaming, my vibe felt clear and my heart felt open when I said that to him.

     Yay yay yay!
     I’m growing, I’m growing!!
     

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:36am

562. 562: Annie says:

     Beloved.

     Yes
     Expanding learning and growing. X

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:50am

563. 563: Dominique says:

     BeLoved – SO awesome. I’m happy dancing for you.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:52am

564. 564: BeLoved says:

     556

     Annie…

     Oooohhh!! Good good good stuff, thank you!!!

     I feel angry being told I’m wrong for something I don’t even believe!!
     Oh, I felt accused – I didn’t realize til just now (lol, slow process much?)
     Grrr!
     I will take time and look at it and feel it the way you described, though.
     It cuts but it feels better than feeling defensive.

     Was I playing games?
     Hmm…good question….

     Yes.
     How was I playing games?
     I didn’t admit to myself what I wanted from the very beginning.
     My thoughts and feelings of unworthiness created a rift in my integrity and in the integrity of my communication.
     Ohhhh…something just blossomed in my belly and my belly and heart feel lighter.

     thank you thank you!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:53am

565. 565: Lori says:

     ugh, he just called me. He’s really not feeling well and was going back to bed. He’s going to call me later today to let me know if he can make it tonight.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:53am

566. 566: Starla says:

     i LOVE my new belly dance instructor. i like that she is all serious, athletic business for that hour, and if she starts late, she ends late.

     my old instructor was too unfocused so i wanted to try someone else, and my new instructor happens to be one of the best living dancers alive.

     i almost didn’t go last night… was feeling tired and stressed about the commitment of time and money, but i’m sooo glad i did. note to self, always remember how glad i feel cuz i went to yoga/dance/the gym/etc. even when I don’t feel like it…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:53am

567. 567: Indigo says:

     Annie

     467

     Thank you so much xx

     506

     With all due respect, and I know your heart was to stand up for Violette’s feelings and I feel this is honourable, but I am familiar with the term gaslighting, and I do not feel Dominique was gaslighting at all. I feel she was offering the man’s perspective, and Dominique’s unique and lovely understanding of men has helped me to break down some significant defences in the past. I feel sure that is what she was trying to do here. However, for my part, I understand why Violette felt turned off – gratefulness and when you get that sort of “pawing” feeling is a turn-off for me too!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:53am

568. 568: Indigo says:

     Tam 496

     I have always felt that you still had feelings for Mr P.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:55am

569. 569: Starla says:

     i’m really happy for beloved. that was super brave of you, and if you keep up this practice, you’ll be able to keep tweaking and tweaking until you’re this amazing goddess of a communicator

     WOOHOO

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:56am

570. 570: Annie says:

     BeLoved.

     His words.
     “This misunderstanding of my words shows me there is a strong disconnect
     between us and this makes me feel my work will not render you the service
     and help you seek.”

     By speaking your truth, it weeded out an online vendor who is not the best person for you to do business with. A blessing in disguise as there will be better vendors around the corner.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:57am

571. 571: Tam says:

     565 Indigo..mmmh..yes, well it isn’t going to go away from one day to the next.
     But I am moving on regardless anyway.
     It’s just that I feel pretty panicked and shaky at the thought of seeing him…I didn’t quite know that until it became a distinct possibility today.
     I am glad it didn’t happen.
     I don’t know how I would act.
     I hope I would be turned off…but I know from experience that this might not necessarily be the case.
     Phew. I feel relieved that I didn’t see him.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:06am

572. 572: Starla says:

     i feel relieved to be in a full-on serious and committed relationship with the man i wouldn’t have been able to get over, who made me shaky and weak and I could never forget.

     and i wonder why on earth i deserve it? why should i be so lucky? it’s a mystery.

     i did invest a lot of energy into peace and love and openness though.. maybe it’s in my escrow, as abraham hicks says

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:11am

573. 573: Tam says:

     Sassy, yup, if that’s what it is.
     I miss him a bit but I was so appalled by what happened when he was last here that this is not really in my mind much.
     It was just the stomach turning when thinking I might meet him today – that was my revelation moment, for if I was indifferent about him, I wouldn’t have felt panic…fear and excitement.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:11am

574. 574: Tam says:

     The meeting will become a reality in February most likely and knowing that, I can feel prepared and work on myself to turn the focus away from him and onto me and my other friends. He will just be a bystander…someone who tags along…someone I will say ‘hi’ to. And then hopefully feel turned off.
     Been there before.
     This time I know I can stay there and not let him sneak his way into my life again.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:15am

575. 575: Tam says:

     569, Starla if you don’t mind me asking, I feel curious as I can’t remember or maybe you don’t want to share:
     why did you guys even break up?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:17am

576. 576: Daria says:

     If I was gona die one year from now Today… Diff than last weeks

     I would tell my mom n my godsister

     First cuz if have dmthn important to say…

     Second cuz they could help me share s my fear

     Then I’d lose control of the situation and feel humiliated

     And yet Im so good at letting go of control better than them and they control it for me

     And I do wat they say

     And that feels safe.

     *******
     So tho I don’t want to do that Now…. Cuz I’m not go a due….

     That’s sonething to keep in mind. I want to do wat my mom says.

     My mom tells me to do things.

     Why?

     That feels surprising intriguing odd

     Hmmm

     Masculine energy? Telling to f’I things?

     My mom shouldn’t be telling me to do things.

     It feels weird when my mom tells me to do things.

     Or friends.

     I feel compelled to do them.

     Oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh

     I DO THE SAM E THING !!

     To ‘dominate a situation I give commands. Omg omg.

     This so deep.

     Communication feels deep yo.

     Wow so giving commands complain me to follow them or resist them.

     And it makes the command giver masculine energy.

     And in charge of the space

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:19am

577. 577: Daria says:

     With a guy I feel like… I can be a man.., but I choose to defer to you.

     And I require from him that… He can be Girly/all about himself… But he chooses to be a man w me…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:21am

578. 578: Lori says:

     I’m trying to take what he says at face value but I feel anxious, wondering if he is really sick or if he is just avoiding me. I’m still going tonight to meet with my friend/associate. If he shows up, he shows up. If he doesn’t. I’m going to mail the blanket to him. I will go distant afterwards.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:25am

579. 579: Daria says:

     So in my family we all get into masculine energy when we ask for something

     We say ‘gime/hand me that please’

     Rather than I just scripted

     ‘I need that hammer. Could you give it to me please? ‘

     At least it’s asking. It’s softer. Ok. I get it.

     I get turned on to masculine energy commands to me cuz I become the complement of that .

     But if I take the masculine energy then I will be turned off at what my complement is lol.

     Unless he competes to take the masculine… Which might feel … Rough

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:27am

580. 580: Dominique says:

     Starla – 569 – And why wouldn’t you deserve it? You are a pure, love goddess being as well all are. You deserve it all. And because a big enough piece of you has come to own this, you manifested it.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:28am

581. 581: Dominique says:

     Choose trust Lori. If he’s not telling you the truth, it will come out all on its own.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:30am

582. 582: Femininewoman says:

     (((((((((((Calypso)))))))))))))))

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:32am

583. 583: Daria says:

     Ohhh I get it w the feminine guys… They’re not all bisexual…

     Just like pol could say I’m lesbianish… But I’m not gay… I’m just a rough girl that’s really not gay. Like I’m shrug. Not gay at all. That’s not really my thing.

     I’m more a rough girl who likes rough men. Lol.

     And I keep my ruffness turned inside out for them… Softness out

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:32am

584. 584: Lori says:

     Thanks Dominique. I’m okay. I feel disappointed but I’m okay. We talked yesterday and he felt like he was coming down with something. He spent the weekend at his dad’s for his dad’s birthday. His daughter was sick and he probably caught it. He’s so run down that he’s sick a lot.

     My plan is that if he doesn’t make it tonight and he doesn’t try to see me tomorrow morning before I return home, that I will mail the blanket to him. I’m taking a box with me and will mail it before I leave. I don’t want to use the blanket as an excuse to see him. Nor do I want him to feel obligated.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:34am

585. 585: Femininewoman says:

     Lori – I admit. I would think the same thing too. Yet now I am aware I have a choice. I can look that thought straight in the eye and say “that was how I used to think in the past. This is now. So now I choose to think……………………)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:35am

586. 586: Starla says:

     tam, he moved an hour away and i wanted more time together… he offered it but i wasn’t ‘feeling’ the love from him, and he wasn’t really feeling it from me, so we got into a stalemate and i tried to sort of convince him to act different lol and then he broke up with me.

     what’s funny is he was griping about having to lead, having to drive to see me, having to pay for the gas (though he hardly said any of this out loud to me, urgh!), but now he wants to see me as much as possible and won’t let me drive to his city even though i have a car now lol.

     and he’s moving back to my city this summer:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:39am

587. 587: Femininewoman says:

     sneak his way into my life again —-

     Really? What a belief.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:39am

588. 588: Starla says:

     ((((((((lori)))))))))))

     there’s a nasty virus going around. i’m glad you’re not gonna catch it from that guy!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:41am

589. 589: Tam says:

     583, ah Starla thanks…sounds like the reason for the break-up has therefore kind of disappeared…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:42am

590. 590: Lori says:

     FW, I totally agree. I reminded myself that I am choosing to do this with him. It’s my choice. He’s not doing this to me. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. When he called, I could hear it in his voice, he said he was going back to bed which he never does. I’m choosing to believe him. But, I’m still going to follow through with what I plan in the event he doesn’t make it tonight or in the morning.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:42am

591. 591: Daria says:

     So that means these are soft, mommy men/nurturing men…

     Who like soft, nurturing women

     Softheartedness.

     Just like I like rough men so much I try to Be like them…

     Ong I worship that masculine God

     These guys like feminine girls so much they try to be like them.

     So that means – I’m feminine to be attracting them . Yay

     And I might be feminine enuf to attract any man. Even rough ones I like.

     Guys like girls who don’t go all googoo over them and try to imitate them. Who don’t get pulled off balance by their energy.

     Who know how to Dance.

     Who don’t go all rough around a rough man.

     But me… I worship them I Want to be like then do what they do…

     How can I do that leaning back.

     Fem guys will see the softness in a rough girl,
     But everyone sees the softness in a soft girl…

     So that means as I grow my softness using mu roughness as my rock…

     The men who are attracted to care for and truly worship me will include more and more of the rough men I feel such a craving for.

     Like I want That DNA for my kids

     That blood

     Ugh I want him in me making me think of stars and creation

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:43am

592. 592: Lori says:

     Thanks Starla, apparently his daughter has it and he was around her all weekend. He doesn’t want me or our friends to get it. He said that if someone showed up like that he would send them home so didn’t want to do it himself. We will see what happens.

     My insecure part of me wanted to text him and ask if it was me and that I didn’t need to come tonight if he wanted to meet with our friend but I decided to not act on it. That would be following old habits and telling him that I didn’t believe him.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:45am

593. 593: Daria says:

     Maybe he seems like he’s feminine acting masculine cuz I think of muself as masculine practicing acting feminine lol.

     As in not feminine enuf.

     So maybe he seems not masculine enuf…

     Hmmm interesting mirror

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:46am

594. 594: Starla says:

     lori 589 i’m so glad you didn’t do that.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:50am

595. 595: Daria says:

     Getting more feminine in asking for things is hugely important.

     Ask and receive.

     So much of conversation communication is asking for sonething, even if it’s what day it is… Where the keys are… Can you turn off the lights… Do you have room ?

     Etc etc

     So if that’s feminine it will provide a predominant feminine structure of speech

     Wow you’re good boy!

     I feel Embarassed to be this good, to be this boy.

     Remember boy is your rock.

     Thanks boy .

     

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:50am

596. 596: Iamabutterfly says:

     I feel embarassed and curious. I feel a desperate desire to show love and compassion to myself.

     I’ve always been sociable and comfortable with other people for the most part.

     I started struggling socially as more and more of my friends started getting married and I became “one of the only single ones left.”

     I do spend a lot of time alone sometimes.

     Sometimes I feel so lonely it’s hard to breathe.

     I just had an interaction with a co-worker of mine.

     I was greeting one of my other co-workers, when I noticed this particular co-worker. I felt like she needed to be spoken to, so I said hello, how are you?

     She replied “fine, how are you?” and I said, “I feel good. I feel cold, though.”

     She said, “I could park next to the air conditioner and have it blow all over me.”

     Me: “You’re hot?”
     Her: Yep.

     I then started talking about hot and cold-natured people, and something inside her lit up, and she started talking loudly and excitedly about her dream last night, and how she woke up all hot.

     I could tell by the way she was a little too loud, excited, and awkward in her speech that she was absolutely desperate for attention from another human being.

     I felt embarassed for her, but I also felt empathy, compassion, and embarassment for myself, because I have responded to simple conversations with the same kind of enthusiasm, volume, and excitement.

     When you’re starved for human interaction, it shows.

     I’m pretty good at reading people and a lot of people don’t respond well to the awkward enthusiasm, volume, and excitement. They simply don’t understand it, and it feels very un-natural.

     I hate when I feel that “ew” vibe from people when I have had similar outbursts.

     It’s embarssing because I never used to be so lonely that I would have such outbursts.

     I understood this woman’s excited outburst.

     so while her enthusiasm, volume, and excitement made me feel a little uncomfortable, I smiled at her, felt empathy and compassion, and made a note to myself that even though everything in me does not want to, I need to say yes to all the “creepy” men who have been wanting to date me.

     I can feel myself judging so many of them.

     It feels so bad.

     I feel so much pride and look down my nose at others.

     I used to be so cool, popular, and accepted.

     Now, I feel like “I’m too good” for those who aren’t.

     However, back when I truly WAS cool, popular, and accepted I never had a problem showing compassion.

     Now that I feel my coolness and popularity slipping away, I’ve turned into someone stuck up and “too good” for other people.

     I feel sad and humbled.

     I don’t know how to handle a man 12 years older than me, getting so far into my personal bubble of space that I wanted to scream and squirm.

     He kept mumbling, telling me all about himself and how great he was as fast as he could (maybe he could feel my disgust?)

     He kept telling me all these things he was going to “teach” me.

     Like, how to jump rope. (I used to competively jump rope many years ago.)
     How to write poetry. (I graduated with a BA in Creative Writing. He’s never gone to College, but tells me he can teach me because he has a gift from God. I felt disgusted and thought “and I don’t?!”)

     He said, “we have a lot in common” about 20,000 times.

     I feel so guilty and humbled.

     I really don’t want to CD guys I’m not attracted to.
     but maybe I should.

     I feel scared admitting that…

     What does everyone think?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:51am

597. 597: Lori says:

     Starla, me too!! lol. He would have answered me but been annoyed and I would have regretted it later!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:53am

598. 598: Femininewoman says:

     K2012 – My sister and I were his good friends for years – I wonder if this is a clue. Could he in his mind still have you in the friend zone, though you might have been sleeping with him? Just turned into a super-sized friend.

     She didn’t ask him about what he did to me – What do you think he did to you?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:54am

599. 599: Starla says:

     random but

     more than cigs, i want qz to give up diet soda. his go to drink is diet coke and it scares me. he won’t get regular coke cuz too much sugar at once makes him feel off balance

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 10:59am

600. 600: Daria says:

     Lori – omg! I do relate to the wanting to ‘whine’ and ask for reassurance even tho it’s totally disrespectful to what he said…

     I used to do this in my relationships omg!

     Or my mom does it…

     But now thinking about it I’m realizing the reason I do it is actually ciz I’m bummed I won’t see him and I don’t feel special and adored even if I don’t see him, I don’t feel that guy all over me closeness making me giggle feeling. Filling me up w energy and good vibes.

     So then I’d say…

     ‘ok aww yeah I feel bummed . I feel so lonely and in need of good vibes I miss u’

     The. He will surely get Into wat you / me are feeling

     Wow that was a lot easier to write theming of you, if it was me to write that that feels soooo vulnerable and wow that really helps. I didn’t even know I would write that.

     I feel joyous that I’m discovering this and recognizing I too have this pattern.

     The flip side of the coin is I hold back and say nothing…

     And feel like I’m punishing/starving muself while others have fun. And cry to muself and feel lonely.

     And don’t express it and shut down and put a blank numb wall there and distance and resentment/attacking in my head

     Wow

     I feel appreciative to learn this while I’m writing about it

     Now I know to express it to receive / get my needs met.

     I will practice this anytime I feel dissapointed today. I will communicate my sadness.

     I love my sadness.

     I love my dussapointment.

     I love my loneliness.

     I love mu push away attackyness.

     I live my feel dirty and icky ness.

     I love mh feel weak and Ill ness.

     I love my exhaustion.

     I love my listless laying around.

     I live my powerlessness.

     I love my energy sucking .

     I love mh humiliation.

     I live my vulnerability.

     I love my neediness

     I love my desires

     I live my existence.

     I love my constant needs.

     I love my frustration.

     Hooh

     This feels trippy

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:04am

601. 601: Starla says:

     hmm i know i have a lot of sway over qz and i’d like to exercise that influence responsibly and only when it’s really really really important.

     maybe this diet coke thing is something i can talk to him about years down the road.

     or maybe he’ll decide to stop drinking it all on his own:). He does know very well about the health risks.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:06am

602. 602: Daria says:

     ‘I’m feeling needy:( I need reassurance… It would feel good to even hear another human voice … ‘

     Haha that feels intriguing to me hehe

     I feel sure lots of men will step up to reassure me when I share that

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:08am

603. 603: Femininewoman says:

     Iamabutterfly it feels like I am reading about my younger self in your post. I have come to accept that just because a man does not fit my list or his resume doesn’t read the way I think it should, it doesn’t mean he can’t teach me something. Scorning another human being because of their perceived lack of academic achievement or old age does not make for a good vibe around you or helps to magnitize anyone towards you because of good feelings.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:09am

604. 604: Iamabutterfly says:

     @600 Femininewoman – Exactly! I feel so guilty. and I can’t help remembering how much respect and admiration I have felt seeing a totally confident person out with someone who was “clearly not in their league” in the negative sense of the term.

     and I then would feel curious about that person whom the confident person was with, and wonder what qualities they had that I was clearly over-looking…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:14am

605. 605: Tam says:

     OMG, Starla…I would freak out if someone was chastising me for drinking soda, like ‘I am an adult, thank you’…I mean, it’s not quite up there with shooting heroin, being an alcoholic or shagging sheep, is it?
     Just making a joke out of it but really….leave the guy in peace

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:14am

606. 606: Iamabutterfly says:

     I feel judgmental because he doesn’t have a car either…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:15am

607. 607: Starla says:

     tam, artificial sweeteners are carcinogenic. i don’t want him to get cancer and suffer or die:(

     i’ve never told him what to do, which he says he appreciates all the time. and he says it makes him actually want to do better lol. he says he likes my ‘libertarian’ approach to this stuff.

     but maybe, maybe one day i will ask him to find a different go-to soft drink. one that doesn’t cause freaking cancer, lol.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:18am

608. 608: Starla says:

     i should just focus on myself hehe

     i am doing a good job, too! it was hard last week, because i was recovering from the freak lung incident that hospitalized me, but QZ took very nice care of me all week. isn’t that so sweet? someone to take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself. but now i’m going to dance class, exercising in the mornings, cooking healthy nutritious food for myself, and meditating.

     aw love to me. i really love me:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:23am

609. 609: Femininewoman says:

     Starla there is a post where Rori gave a feeling message to address that kinda thing if it is really bothering you. I was shocked when I read it.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:28am

610. 610: Femininewoman says:

     Iamabutterfly – I have noticed myself feeling judgemental about guys when they mention that they don’t drive or own a car. I find it so odd.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:29am

611. 611: Iamabutterfly says:

     This 12 years older guy wants me to pick him up in MY CAR so that he can take me out?

     I really don’t feel comfortable with that.

     I feel not feminine and put out and weird about it…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:33am

612. 612: Iamabutterfly says:

     @607 Feminine Woman – I don’t mind it if they live in NYC! but I think it makes me worry about his ability to provide for me and a future family I want to have.

     It could be for so many other reasons, but the red flag goes up…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:35am

613. 613: Iamabutterfly says:

     It would even feel better if he didn’t mention that he didn’t have a car, but made arrangements with a friend so that he could borrow his car and I didn’t have to worry about ANYTHING.

     that’s what this one hot NYC guy did…

     and he was a GOOD GUY for a New Yorker…

     Great, now I’m judging New Yorkers!!!

     haha.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:38am

614. 614: Femininewoman says:

     I live in NY

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:40am

615. 615: Femininewoman says:

     And once you’ve taken a deliberate and dedicated step towards healing, there’s no going back. The journey can hurt so badly sometimes, but the rewards are PRICELESS. You CAN create the life and love of your dreams.

     http://sexandheart.com/healing-hurts

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:41am

616. 616: Starla says:

     lama,
     “it would feel really fun to go out with you! i don’t want to drive us around when a man takes me out, though. can you figure out some other way?”

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:41am

617. 617: Starla says:

     even better

     *it would feel really fun to go out with you, thank you for the nice invitation!” and then the rest

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:43am

618. 618: Femininewoman says:

     RE 608 – Maybe you are wondering about the over functioning vibe? Or the nurturing vibe that might eventually unconsciously turn him off?

     I did the same thing some time ago with a cd on an impromptu date. It didn’t go anywhere.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:45am

619. 619: Mercedes says:

     Iamabutterfly: I love your interaction with your co-worker! You saw a need and you fulfilled it and you were able to recognize some of yourself in that interaction. That is so beautiful! I would encourage you to reach out to this woman more and more often. It sounds like she could learn a lot from you because you will have empathy and understanding and patience in your dealings with her where others might not. I like that a lot!

     With regard to the date, I would also be wary of a man who can’t take me on dates unless we use my car. And a man who talks too much about teaching me when I know we can all teach each other. I’m sure he has experiences you can learn from just as I am sure you have experiences he can learn from. That said, the compassion and patience and understanding you gave to your co-worker might serve this man well too. You don’t have to get fully invested or continue to be involved if you are not comfortable, but even this one exchange can teach you so much about YOU and about HIM. Whether you want to get to know him further and see how his demeanor does or doesn’t change as he becomes more comfortable with you is something only you can decide.

     I think both exchanges were a beautiful example of how we are all connected at various levels.

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:48am

620. 620: Starla says:

     i miss glow stix, where is sheeeeee

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:52am

621. 621: BeLoved says:

     Annie – for the record, he apologized and explained to me, that top msg was from him.

     I felt invalidated.

     I feel violated when I show my soft underbelly and a man responds like that.
     I feel rage.
     I’m seething.
     When I share my vulnerable self I don’t want lectures and explanations and talk-downs and disconnect, I want softness, curiosity, gentleness, understanding, compassion, support (I want Feminist Ryan Gosling ).
     Yes, that’s softer.
     Back again

     thoughts and feelings about
     inadequate men
     Oh, there it is, the contempt
     rage
     hate
     pathetic, inadequate man who can’t give me what i want or need
     to feel satisfied (!!)

     I just traced the word “rage” on a page in red ink about a hundred times, that helped
     Now I feel inspired to make a drawing, channel that energy.

     It has ocurred to me that I’m a bit sexually starved, *grin*.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:54am

622. 622: Femininewoman says:

     http://www.beirresistible.com/whatmensecretlywant.php

     Sponsor: Finding Intimate Love In Imperfect Relationships

     What if you knew what the most critical emotion was for a man? Then, once you knew, what if you could trigger it in him over and over again? I can tell you that he would feel almost addicted to you, and I’m not exaggerating. I like how James explains why this emotion is essential for a man to fall in love.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:54am

623. 623: Violette says:

     Thank you for all the comments about my sex dilemma with C. I did get triggered, but I asked for input, and I know everyone is speaking from their personal experience. It felt like the comments became a bit more philosophical than being about me, which was where I got upset, but it was still helpful. Even the comments I didn’t agree with help me to feel clearer, and Annie thank you for your supportive words.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:58am

624. 624: FlowerChild77 says:

     “Sometimes I feel so lonely it’s hard to breathe.”

     Yes. This is me. I don’t have “outbursts”—but I’m sure my vibe is in the toilet.

     I’m almost afraid to be around people—worried that I’d just send everyone and anyone heading for the hills—-to get away from me.

     I am vacillating between sadness, hopelessness and despair—and wild optimism coupled with great ideas and feeling like I have all this opportunity.

     I wake up crying several times a week. Some days I can get over that and manage to have a decent day and other days I can’t shake it. It’s back and forth. One day it’s my son that I miss and the next time it’s D. I’m starting to hate myself. They’re GONE. All gone. And I’m still here…alone.

     I hate to be a “debbie downer” but I can’t help it today. The two people who knew me the best—and still loved me anyway—are no more. And my daughter, who I am quite close with, will be moving out of state by the time summer rolls around. Every time I turn around someone in my life is gone.

     Ugh…I hate this…I’m sorry… I just need to let this out somewhere…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:02pm

625. 625: Iamabutterfly says:

     ((((((((((((FlowerChild77)))))))))))))))

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:03pm

626. 626: Lori says:

     I’m feeling weak and sad so am going to do my crying now before tonight.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:04pm

627. 627: FlowerChild77 says:

     Thank you iamabutterfly…I know maybe a lot of this is ‘normal’ but it’s just so HARD to feel like this. I know I have to ‘fix’ myself, that no one can do it for me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

628. 628: Starla says:

     beloved i’m really enjoying seeing your process and inner workings

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

629. 629: Iamabutterfly says:

     Someone up there must be trying to teach me something.

     My new co-worker who I could tell is attracted to me (followed me out to my car yesterday and was totally chatting me up,) well, he made me feel really good because although I’m not wildly attracted to him, I’m not repulsed by him. He seems decent, nice, and isn’t even bad looking at all.

     Well, I just walked by his desk, and my other new guy co-worker who I also think is cute, caught my eye and smiled at me from the other side of the cubicle.

     I then heard a “shhh” and it was none other than my I’m not repulsed by him co-worker. He had his finger on his lips and then he did this really awkward gesture like he was trying to be sexy or something?

     and that whole not-repulsed by him feeling instantly turned into repulsion.

     Would it be mean to just walk up to him and be like,

     “look, I’ll go out with you, as long as you promise to never ever do that creepy thing you just did ever again?”

     I feel curious.
     and feisty…

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:11pm

630. 630: Femininewoman says:

     FlowerChild your words remind me of a syndrome they talk about that some soldiers get. Or people who experienced a traumatic thing and seen their loved ones die. They end up asking “why not me” because they feel they should not have been spared.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:12pm

631. 631: Starla says:

     ((((((((flowerchild))))))))

     i dunno… thats a lot to fix all on your own. are you meeting with a therapist?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:12pm

632. 632: Tam says:

     Starla, lots of things cause cancer…lots. Just grilling stuff does. Ageing will.
     We can worry about it all day and while fretting get run over by a bus.
     That’s how I see it, but I realise I may be alone.
     I live healthy too, never smoked and drank or anything.
     I saw people live super healthy and die at age 55 of aggressive cancer. I saw people abuse their bodies with decades of chain smoking and die at age 98 (falling asleep).
     Life is risk and ends in death.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:14pm

633. 633: Femininewoman says:

     Ageing will?

     I would check that belief.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:15pm

634. 634: Indigo says:

     (((((Lori)))))

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:18pm

635. 635: Violette says:

     I feel clearer about my love life today, like all the men in my life are here to teach me new skills in being a fabulous woman who loves herself. With C I get to learn how to go back on sex in the most adorable and feminine feeling way, and have that skill, and put my needs first. With D…we shall see, I’m not quite sure what comes after his saying he wants me to do more…but it’s an opportunity to explore being more expressive about my positive feelings…lord knows that can be hard for me! And with J…I am wanting to call him so badly, mostly because of D’s comment, wondering if D thinks I don’t care. I just don’t like to call guys and would feel so foolish if he’s pulled away simply because he wasn’t feeling it with me on second thought, but if I do choose to call him, I really want it to be a good experience for me, to explore being more expressive and leave it at that.

     I have to treat myself with so much care and respect!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:18pm

636. 636: Lori says:

     I’m angry Indigo. Angry with him but also angry with myself. I’m an overfunctioner and have bent over backwards to be there for him, help him. I’ve always driven to see him, 3 hours round trip because he was in the busy season. He has not had to put out hardly any effort for me whatsoever. I’m smart, beautiful, loving, compassionate. I know my value but sure haven’t acted like it. I just feel like bawling. I’ve made it so freaking easy for him.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:20pm

637. 637: Iamabutterfly says:

     @627 FW – Survivor’s guilt?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:21pm

638. 638: FlowerChild77 says:

     I just read Dominique’s newest blog post. It helped <3

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:22pm

639. 639: Violette says:

     Lori, do you have backup plans in case he bails? It might help you to feel less hung up on his actions. I hope he shows up of course, but you are the prize and your time is very precious!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:24pm

640. 640: Lori says:

     Hi Violette, One of my friends is in town that I had introduced him to for a resource. I’m still getting together with my friend. He and I are having dinner and drinks so I have plans and will make the most of it. But my days of going out of my way for him are done.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:26pm

641. 641: FlowerChild77 says:

     I guess what gets me is that I feel like I just DID all this work. Finding Rori and learning how to be authentic and turning around a decade-plus relationship into my dream-come-true and having him propose (all on his own—no ultimatums, etc.) I was still reeling from all that when he died.

     I still believe ‘everything is as it should be’ (though it chokes me to even say it right now) and this will pass, but it’s so exhausting. Sometimes I feel like maybe I “had my time” in this life and it’s all down hill from here. Ugh….listen to me…I sound like a crazy person :-/

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:27pm

642. 642: Indigo says:

     ((((((FlowerChild))))))

     I lost a brother, and although it’s not the same as losing a child, or losing a fiance, we were as close as twins and he was everything to me.

     I don’t know if this feeling of loss ever goes away, and so I don’t expect it to. I stopped expecting the hole inside or the ache to stop after the first few years.

     Now I take my brother with me in my heart wherever I go. I carry my love for him around with me, and every now and again I find myself silently addressing him, or just imagining he was watching over me, or thinking how much he would enjoy something, and yes it always brings tears, but it feels better than trying to get over it, and it has allowed me to find happiness despite the fact that a part of my soul is gone.

     I don’t know if this will help you, but for me, honouring my brother in every way I knew how helped me far more than just trying to get on with things. I believe, and I hope for you, that in time this will be a beautiful opening in your soul rather than the wound it is now.

     xx

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:29pm

643. 643: Violette says:

     These men are tools to help me to become more and more the woman I want to be!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:30pm

644. 644: Dominique says:

     Flowerchild – I was about to send you BIG hugs and love, and then I saw 635. I still send you BIG hugs and love.

     xxoo

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:31pm

645. 645: Starla says:

     Tam, let me have a brainy moment –

     Most EVERYTHING can be correlated with cancer; you are so right. I’m a professional statistical researcher for a living, and I understand the pitfalls of fearfully going down these rabbit holes of correlation.

     However, some things absolutely have conclusive links. Artificial sweeteners are now one of them. Cigarettes are another, of course. And while widespread anecdotal evidence suggests that there are many folks who lived an unhealthy life and died very old (while other health nuts died young), that doesn’t mean it’s a statistical ‘crap shoot’ of whether you will die young or old based off of exposure to carcinogens…

     It’s comforting to pretend like it doesn’t really matter in the end (and point to the anecdotes), but it’s intellectually dishonest and is ultimately just a way to rationalize choosing not to give a f*ck whether you live or die a painful cancerous death.

     Ultimately, my views on this just reflect my personal values system around what I put in my body. Ideally, I’d like someone who is on the same page. But I will definitely settle for someone who lets me be a health obsessed nut and never makes me feel bad about it

     Anyway, the more I think about it, the more i suspect he’ll stop drinking that crap all on his own:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:31pm

646. 646: Tam says:

     630, FW, not a belief, scientific reality as our cells don’t work as well anymore and multiply often uncontrolled…that’s what cancer is.
     It’s a fact of life and ageing.
     I wish it wasn’t.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:32pm

647. 647: Tam says:

     642 Starla, I know all that. It’s not brainy, it’s common knowledge
     I have done my bit of statistical research and I also know how most, if not all, statistical research can easily be manipulated to suit any theory also. So I take it all with a pinch of salt.
     I was just trying to say that expecting to choose the beverages a man consumes ‘for his own health’ feels controlling to me.
     What do you think?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:36pm

648. 648: Iamabutterfly says:

     @616 Mercedes – This made me feel so good, Mercedes. I feel understood, validated, and esteemed.

     Thank you. It feels like wise, sound advice.

     and it feels so good to have my compassion recognized.

     One of my really good friends told me that I have amazing empathy. Even though I don’t know EXACTLY what she’s going through (drug addiction,) she still feels like I do understand.

     I feel embarassed.

     I started sobbing in church on Sunday. I had a really late, emotional Saturday night and didn’t get a lot of sleep.

     I had also been praying a good part of the day on Saturday.

     We were singing this hymn, that reminded me of one of my best guy friends, who is also one of my Big Heartache’s best guy friends.

     and I remembered how much my guy friend encouraged me…

     and all the prayers I had been praying, I realized in that moment, had been answered.

     It felt as though God was speaking to me through that hymn, reminding me who He is and what He has done for me and so many others.

     and I just started sobbing…and I felt so embarassed.

     but I felt relief.

     When the hymn was over, I started looking for someone, and when I turned around, SMC was STARING at me. He looked…I don’t know how he looked but it made me feel embarssed.

     That’s the third time he’s seen me cry…

     first time sobbing, though.

     How do guys feel when they see that?

     I feel like a lot of guys judge girls who cry too much?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:37pm

649. 649: Tam says:

     Perhaps I got triggered because my autny was a health obsessed nut…always eating organic, cooking from scratch (only the best ingredients), never any chemicals, never smoked, never drank…
     She was so fearful of getting sick.
     She was fearful of travelling
     So she concentrated all her energy on staying healthy and keeping her family healthy.
     She died this summer aged 55 – terrible measly death choking on her own puke, a skeleton.
     Guess what she said on her deathbed ‘if only I hadn’t cared so much about being safe and healthy, I could have spent more time having fun and visiting you abroad and now it’s all over’.
     That has taught me a lot, actually.
     It taught me to chill.
     I am not even sure whether all that worrying about everything, including her health, actually got her the cancer in the first place. The mind boggles.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:40pm

650. 650: Violette says:

     Violette, you are doing so great, you’ve got this!!!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:42pm

651. 651: Starla says:

     i dunno, tam, sure. i realize you’re probably just making conversation and not trying to lecture me about my thoughts around soda, seeing as i never said i want to control him and wouldn’t even bring it up for a long time to come. and i was musing over how i do actually have a lot of influence over him and that’s pretty cool, and how i don’t want to abuse that. i’m sure you didn’t miss this and aren’t just picking a debate with me. so i’m going to stop typing because this feels stupid.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:48pm

652. 652: Violette says:

     Lori, that’s so great that you will be out for dinner and drinks either way. No matter what he or anyone does, you still have the power, and you will be perfectly ok. Hugs to you!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:51pm

653. 653: Starla says:

     ohhh i guess you are triggered. well i was thinking i’m crazy for thinking you were being ‘a certain way’ with me. and i don’t like that because i gave you the benefit of the doubt!

     i feel triggered now too:(. i want to defend myself, and it’s not ‘common knowledge,’ and making that claim undermines the thing you just said before that! so you just want to argue! and be right!

     so back off!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:52pm

654. 654: Iamabutterfly says:

     One really cool thing about this blog, is that I feel like “famous experts” like Rori and Dominique acknowledge and help people like little ‘ole me.

     and that feels great!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:55pm

655. 655: Starla says:

     i want to scream

     i want to be able to muse and process innocently here without someone’s ego chiming in to create an argument out of nothing!!!

     ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

     vampire scream

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:55pm

656. 656: Lori says:

     Thanks Violette, I’m feeling a little more in control. I keep reminding myself that I’m too smart for this and worth more. I am. I deserve a man who will put out effort for me.

     I know, he probably is sick. I’m just angry because I’ve been overfunctioning.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:56pm

657. 657: Starla says:

     i feel undermined and invisible. like, it doesn’t matter what starla actually said, let’s just find the bit our ego can latch on to so we can practice the ego-gratification of m*sturbating our opinions while what she actually said and feels fades off into unimportant obscurity!

     my mom does this. i’m triggggeeerrreeeddd

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:57pm

658. 658: Starla says:

     i’ve really got to stop calling her ‘my mom’ too. she’s the woman who gave birth to me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:58pm

659. 659: Starla says:

     oh god i probably started a dramatic mess now here:(

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 12:59pm

660. 660: Starla says:

     lori, overfunctioning will tooootally make you resentful. yours is a classic case!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:00pm

661. 661: Lori says:

     no kidding! I’m feeling pretty resentful right now. I’m done with that. The only person I’m going to overfunction for now is ME!

     Gees, that sounds so selfish! lol

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:02pm

662. 662: Lori says:

     Upside. I’m having a fantastic hair day! lol!! I’m wearing a black sheer blouse with black lacy tank, boot cut jeans and heeled boots. Yep, I’m going to be throwing out the vibe! lol

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:12pm

663. 663: Iamabutterfly says:

     @652 Starla – Your vampire scream shows your insistance on being heard no matter what. Maybe you could check yourself and say “how am I feeling?” instead of vampire screaming…

     PS – I’m trying to create an argument out of nothing.
     I’m also trying to be funny.
     …is it working?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:13pm

664. 664: Starla says:

     lololol lama you got me for a second… i felt so huffy hahahahahahah

     girl, you crack me up:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:14pm

665. 665: Starla says:

     ooh lori, cute outfit!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:15pm

666. 666: FlowerChild77 says:

     Thank you Dominique. I know I will get through this and I see that it’s a cycle. With everything I’ve learned (and continue to learn) I will be OK–even if I can’t feel it right now.

     Thank you Indigo…I truly appreciate what you wrote to me, I know what you mean about honoring your brother and ((((hugs)))) to you. I’ve been doing the same with my son, who was known far and wide for his unique sense of humor. I think this is so difficult because it all happened so fast. I had JUST started to come out of the fog from losing D when my son had the accident. Just too much in too short a time. Thank you so much for posting to me <3

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:25pm

667. 667: k2012 says:

     595. Hi Feminine woman. In the beginning of the relationship, disappearing ex was telling me stuff about his neighbour and friend. He said he told his neigbour and friend (neighbour was a man) that he “has a new girlfriend and she is coming this weekend.” Those were his words not mine. “this weekend ” referring to the weekend or few days for that matter that I had flown overseas to see him as well as spend time with my sister. He mentioned on that trip also that I was going to meet “my sister in law” in __________. I didnt get to meet her as she wasnt there went we went to her house.

     Alright listen to this now FeminineWoman, remember when Rori wrote a post about dating men who in the beginning considered her as”girlfriend” but later down in the relationship, she was being referred to as “friend.” I went through something, while not exactly the same, it was similar. When he visited my house, I remember I was dishing out his dinner. He was talking on the phone to a male friend. He didn’t know I heard him, but he said “I am at one of my girlfriend’s house.” Hold on a bit, I know what u are thinking now FW. Let me explain this statement. From we were friends over the years, he always had lots of female friends including me and my sister.

     Many times, he would be speaking to me (since we got involved) and telling me about one of his female friends.He would refer to them as “one of my girlfriends”. So when I heard him make that statement to his friend on the phone, I knew the meaning right away. My mouth fell open in shock. I was in the kitchen and he was in the living room so he couldnt see my reaction. I froze in shock.

     I said in my mind, “since when did I become “one of my girlfriends.” That statement in the context that he used it was equivalent to a friend status and he was doing the same thing that Rori’s previous boyfriends told her. So in other words, I was demoted from “girlfriend” to “friend” without my knowing. Same old story as Rori experienced and countless other women. When they start to lose interest in u, they stop calling u girlfriend and refer to u as friend, can u imagine. I didnt ask him about it and when he disappeared and I started doing my post mortem, many things CAME BACK TO ME INCLUDING WHAT I JUST TOLD U. As a matter of fact, I didnt even tell my sisters about this but I told hairdresser.

     Based on what Hairdresser told me, he is a player. So “one of my girlfriends” therefore means “one of the women who he is involved with.” But he is pretending that they are just female friends. Hairdresser said he had broken many hearts as I mentioned earlier. so I suppose he is accustomed to it. it is pattern with some of these men_girlfriend in the beginning and when they start losing interest and possibly seeing other women, u are demoted to girlfriend. Hairdresser said that if he doesnt stop behaving like that, a woman will physically hurt him.

     oh yes I forgot about the other part of your post. What did he do to me? answer: He hurt me bad, bad bad, FW. Didnt expect that of him. Anyway, I have gotten over him, despite my still talking about him. Just like Memulo who talks about her disappearing ex cause she got no closure jsut like me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:32pm

668. 668: Starla says:

     aw this is nice:)

     http://tinybuddha.com/featured/10-ways-to-have-peaceful-loving-relationships/

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:32pm

669. 669: k2012 says:

     Correction-”u are demoted to friend” not “demoted to girlfriend. ” See post number-664.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:38pm

670. 670: BeLoved says:

     Starla does your vampire scream trump my raging at inadequate men who can
     never
     never
     never POSSIBLY
     quench the desire or meet the most basic needs
     of a
     demanding
     dissatisfied womangoddess???

     Now I want to vampire scream…
     Oh, wait, I did that a few minutes ago in the other room.
     Haha I was feeling so enraged and told the guys I just needed to laugh
     so they started poking at me and
     I SCREAMED so loud
     C’s eyes bugged out

     Then he brought me food.
     I felt better.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:40pm

671. 671: Turquoise says:

     I am going to copy and paste so I can address this, without trying to scroll back and forth througout the blog and miss something.

     I said this….

     Thank you FW. Means a lot he really is a sweetheart and expresses himself quite poetically. his ex has been harsh, critical, and unemotional for years and years. He’s quite romantic, so my juicy sweet, feeling side is just extra oomph for him. The more I respond, the more he offers. He just texted that he can’t wait to cook for me and the girls. I finally am starting to get what it means to just let them care for you and receive it!

     *** I’ve mentioned this before, one thing I don’t like about the blog, is feeling judged or assumptions made based on just a few sentences of information. I can’t adequately explain or share enough information to give the whole picture, so it feels like being snapped at or criticized for a few words, rather than someone giving you the benefit of the doubt or asking, rather than scolding. I understand that your opinions are based on what I’ve shared, but it does still feel like someone looking for the negative and pointing out that I’m wrong. ****

     Daria said this……

     Turquoise – Uhoh… Why was his ex harsh critical abd especially ‘unemotional’ ?

     *** Harsh may be the wrong word. Actually, it would be unforgiving, but that feels harsh to me, so I guess why I chose that word. From what SH has shared, this is the picture I get of her. Could I be wrong? Of course!

     What was his part in that?

     **** They were together for 20 years, and happy for most of it. A few years ago he had some major back problems which required 3 surgeries, steel rods and pins and a lot of medication and therapy. This issue triggered a lot of domino effects, including financial issues, etc. which I’m not going to go into online, but due to what happened, on both their parts, it caused a lot of stress and strain on their marriage, which he takes a lot of responsibility for.

     It feels scary to see a woman so engaged in describing another woman / an ex….

     *** Really? So engaged? It was one sentence. That was scary for you? Are you triggered wondering what another woman might share about you? I’ve heard some pretty sad/disappointing things come from you about other women on the blog, your mom, the women in your life…. could that be described as so engaged?

     I have a belief that commiserating w a man about an ex is a big shot in the foot.

     *** I agree. I don’t want to commiserate with anyone about ex’s. Sharing life experiences and where you feel things went wrong in your life, relationships, what you wish had been different, what you hope to do differently in the future, and even some sad or hurtful things that happen over years and years with someone, feels like healing and finding the positives and helping each other to grow. But, to each their own. Maybe that’s just me and how I work through problems. Not talking about them might feel like denial.***

     I feel turned off when a guy says something like that about an ex and take it as a big red flag…

     **** I sometimes feel turned off too hearing men or even women, complain. And if he talked about his ex often, or in only critical ways, I would also see it as a red flag. But he doesn’t. It’s not the focus of our conversations.****

     I would Never repeat it on blog or take it at face value like he ‘has suffered and is innocemt’

     **** I believe all people who are going through a divorce have suffered. I can’t imagine anyone getting through it without extreme amounts of pain. It was painful for me, so that is what I’d expect for others. I never said he was innocent. It always takes two in my opinion. That is what you assumed I meant for some reason, not what I said.****

     Isn’t that like overfunctioning/babying him and basically blindfolding yourself into the trap of it happening to you or whatever issue there is that has him Blame someone / an ex instead of take responsibility by not blaming… Talking about his part…

     **** That wasn’t what I was doing, and if you had asked, I would have shared what was really happening, but you didn’t…. you assumed. *****

     Him talkin about her part rather than his part is a huge red flag for me

     Should it be?

     Does everyone bad mouth / blame exes?

     No…

     Blame -> emotional immaturity

     **** That is a lot of judgement there. Is that also emotional immaturity? I never said he blamed his ex. ****

     I wonder if Turquoise you blame your ex so attracted a guy who does bec u think it’s natural in an ‘everyone might do that’ way and don’t see it as a red flag…

     **** Well, I do feel that my ex had some major problems that he wouldn’t get help for, and they contributed greatly to our marital problems. And sometimes I share with someone I’m close with, what that felt like. Like I said above, it takes two though and I admit to others, myself and also my ex, that I made a lot of mistakes and have apologized many times. I’ve grown up a lot, I’ve learned and matured a lot… I wish things had been different. But I am a better person now, and I’ve forgiven myself and have tried to get beyond where I was in my past, and look forward to a brighter future. *****

     Annie says this….

     464: Daria says:

     Turquoise I feel in agreement with Daria.

     A huge red flag.
     What he says about his ex is where he is stuck frozen in time and at and attracted to still. And it appears you are attracted to him. What’s the message, lesson and take away here?

     ****** Annie, if it were a main focus of our conversations, yes, I’d see it as a red flag. But it’s not. What I’ve heard about her, has more come up in conversation like, she refused to kiss him because he smoked. While I don’t like that he smokes, I haven’t withheld affection. He’s now using the patch and hasn’t smoked in 3 days. One night we spent hours sitting on my couch, with the fire place on, a funny movie in the background which we half watched, mostly talked through and cuddled together. Later he shared that they never did that. I was shocked, but he said she didn’t talk about her feelings, at all, ever in 20 years. When he would try to talk about their problems, she would say she didn’t know, wasn’t sure, didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not criticizing her, but I’ve learned to talk about my feelings here, so the difference is noticible to him. I say “I feel” regularly. Maybe it’s wrong for me to say she’s unemotional, but at least she doesn’t express them. I have been positive and thankful when he’s done something for me, and again he shared that for years and years he felt that he just couldn’t do anything right. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, I’m not focused on where their relationship was or is now. I’m trying to learn to be present in the moment, to accept the positives he brings to my life, and see how this all feels to me, because it’s new. About red flags, I’m not looking for a red flag free person. I’m not expecting someone else to be perfect, and I know I’m not. But someone that’s red flags are liveable or could possibly change. I hate smoking. Non smokers have been my number one requirement for dating my entire adult life. And look, if I hadn’t been willing to give a little room here….. what I would have missed. AND, after smoking for over 20 years, he’s motivated to try and quit. I want to be more open, to see the person, and not just the flags or the criteria I believe I need to be happy.

     and FW says this….

     also saw the blaming of the ex but it seemed like the little speck. I felt jerked around a bit thinking that Daria had to zone into the one negative that was in the comments. Again nobody is perfect and as Dominique keep saying a man heals through the heart of a woman. Is this man on his path to healing now in Turquoise’s presence? Was what I asked myself. Does Turquoise need to go into panicking and spiraling by going to the automatic negative emotional override. Or can she use this to build her awareness around what work she has to do in herself? Does the relationship always have to be on trial by looking for every fault in the man to shake him around about? As we are all human I am looking for a man who I am conscious will have issues. I know I can handle all issues so I am comfortable to remaining open to one with issues I believe he can handle.

     **** Thank you FW. I was worried I might get “slapped”, that’s what if feels like. When someone doesn’t want you to be happy, so they point out one negative as if it wipes out all the positives. This is also not the same as just meeting a man who is going through a divorce and you know nothing about. Sweetheart and I dated when we were 14. We shared a few kisses way back when. In 2009 we reconnected on facebook and when he found out I was divorced, he emailed me to share that while his marriage had had it’s ups and downs, when he got married he knew it would be forever. He appreciated his wife, her support, and that they were in it together. He commented on how positive I sounded despite what I’d gone through, how cute my girls were and said lets keep in touch. We talked about work, common friends, life in general. He never said anything out of line, he never flirted with me… but we kept in touch a little over the years, commenting on pictures, etc. I’ve witnessed his back problems, and the life that followed. I’ve seen his life from a distance, and when he told me he was getting divorced, I reacted as a friend, offering support and encouragement, and hope that they would work it out. He was my friend long before a potential romantic interest. ****

     It might be a red flag yes. Yet, is it a dealbreaker for Turq? Is this the kind of thing John Gottman’s theory relates to where we can choose to use 5 positives/complements for each criticism or negativity that comes up?

     How does this relate to what you focus on growing?

     **** No, not a deal breaker because it’s been taken in context, in conversation, and I shared it, not as a criticism to her, but in the fact that he’s told me, and his mom has said, how different we are. I meant to show that my feeling messages and the way I’ve learned to communicate have inspired his romantic, emotional side, and the way he speaks to me. The way I make him feel is mostly based on what I say and how I am when I’m with him. It’s not because of how I look or what I wear or where I live, or what I do for a living. Thank you for seeing, and sharing your thoughts FW, they made me feel like you wanted to see it for the whole picture, not just a few sentences, which maybe I shared too hastily. Thank you.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

672. 672: k2012 says:

     Ladies, overfunctioning in a relationship means u are doing too much right? I remember in an e-mail Rori said something about becoming the “social director” of the relationship. I nearly cracked up when I read it. I wrote to her and said that maybe I am guilty of that. social director-organizing trips etc. Please clarify. Just want to make sure i get the meaning right.

     Re post 664- “Rori wrote a newsletter, “not post.”

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:44pm

673. 673: Turquoise says:

     K2012, Overfunctioning (which I was the queen of) is when you do too much. When you cook them dinner, pick up their dry cleaning, pay for dates, call first regularly, buy expensive gifts, rub their backs, plan the dates, plan the vacations, plan anything really…. that doesn’t feel good. That feels like “trying” to make them love you. Can you cook dinner sometimes? sure, if you want. Should you cook dinner because you are the woman? Heck no!

     It can feel like mothering to them. Offering to do things for them, fix their problems, take care of them. Which, then they feel like little boys and not men.

     Rori doesn’t say you can’t ever give a gift or make them dinner, but that it should come later, after you are in the committed relationship you want. She says popcorn and a drink are ok

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

674. 674: Turquoise says:

     We don’t inspire them to love us by doing. We inspire them, but receiving their love, appreciating it, letting them feel like the strong men they are… which makes them feel good about themselves!

     I had a guy once tell me that dating a woman who could cook was awesome, but it wouldn’t make him want to marry her. While he said it was a nice perk, it wasn’t enough. They can get food anywhere.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:54pm

675. 675: Starla says:

     aw turquoise, me and QZ were sweet on each other when I was 14, too! hehe I brought him a DQ blizzard to his job at the pet store.

     hehe he still brings that up when we pass by it. i live down the road from there:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 1:58pm

676. 676: Starla says:

     most men love to cook for their women (if they’re any good at it). it’s actually a very masculine thing to do in my opinion. it’s not like they can go out and hunt our meals for us anymore. and it gives them pride to know they’re good with something so sensory (food)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

677. 677: Turquoise says:

     Tam,

     I have always always had some pretty strong criteria of what I’d accept and what I wouldn’t. I am trying to be more open, less rigid, and see what might happen. I recently repaired a friendship with a very very good friend, that I believed was beyond repair and I wasn’t sure I wanted people with “drama” in my life like she has/had. Guess what, I do. She is worth it!

     I’m dating a smoker who was inspired to start using the patch, not because I gave any ultimatums or complained a lot, but I shared how it felt, including my eyes burning from laying on his chest, and that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, until the end of the night when it was so concentrated on his clothes. He did it for himself first and the health benefits, to save money… but also because I hate it. That makes me really happy.

     People can change. I know we often say people really don’t change, but they can if they want to. I know I’m changing. Little by little… but it’s true.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

678. 678: Starla says:

     here’s a recipe for when you’re deep into the relationship:P

     http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:03pm

679. 679: Turquoise says:

     Awe Starla…. SO sweet! My first job was at DQ! lol.

     This morning I sent him a picture of the sunrise, just as he’d gotten up to snap a picture of it. Last night he told me he’d just gotten a chill, so had I. We are in sync. He believes in signs, I believe in signs…. we both want to go to Australia.. lol. My sister says we are like two peas in a pod… she really likes him, and that is kind of rare. I’m happy, it feels good… I’m going with it, enjoying all this receiving, practicing and open to what might happen. It feels good being adored doesn’t it??? I’m SOOOOOO extremely happy QZ is moving back and making weekend plans, and being sooo amazing taking care of you. So so happy for you girl. Love you!@

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:05pm

680. 680: Starla says:

     yess it feels amazing:)

     he makes it all pretty easy.

     he’s had 8 months to think about how he *should* have done things, and now he gets to:)

     he already was pretty amazing to me as it is.

     eeeeeee

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:09pm

681. 681: Starla says:

     i was thinking about QZ’s ‘flaws’ and how i love them, because i get to be the person who loves him to his bones from head to toe including his flaws. i am the woman who loves him for who he is, flaws and all, and that’s pretty neat. i don’t want some other woman loving him for his flaws, they’re MINE! hehehe

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

682. 682: Lori says:

     haha, Starla, I like that. He asked me a few weeks ago if there was anything that I didn’t like about him. There is but they aren’t dealbreakers. I don’t expect perfection.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:14pm

683. 683: Starla says:

     aw, i love his flaws as i love my own flaws

     love to us

     ((((((((((flaws)))))))))))

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:15pm

684. 684: BeLoved says:

     Oh, and Starla it feels good to hear you are enjoying my process, thank you!
     Thank you thank you again Dominique and Annie
     I feel so supported and encouraged!

     I feel hella better than I did 30 minutes ago.

     I had some kind of stuck energy in my belly and one of the guys was just acting silly as heck and cracking me up and poking at me which made me scream and squeal and laugh and that felt like a wonderful wonderful release.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:15pm

685. 685: Starla says:

     i’m dying of boredom at work today and i’m drawing a blank of ways to use this free time on the internet.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:27pm

686. 686: Femininewoman says:

     Turq your comments recently have come across as from a totally different person. I remember you talking like you were not from a “feeling” sharing family so it did not seem natural for you. I have experienced you coming a long way and going through at least consciously trying cdating in a way that feels respectful of yourself. I want to celebrate your success and awareness build up.

     I would choose this blog experience as a lesson. A lesson that John Gottman is right. For one criticism share 5 complements. Our human nature is such that we see and say no/negative over yes/positive in almost every area of life. I saw the comment about the ex as proof that the John Gottman study is right.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:41pm

687. 687: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I can’t speak to your experience or your aunt’s but it has never been in my consciousness to embrace sickness. I didn’t grow up seeing ageing people dying because of cancer. I have always said “I am not friends with illness”. So I guess even when there are stats they are so opposed to my resonance that I can’t embrace it. For years and still is, I have had this strong belief that I don’t get sick. Maybe I am living in lala land but so far I have not had any major experiences with it. I don’t know about our cells not working as well anymore, I go around believing that my “creator” did not make an error. I believe men with genetic tampering and adding unnatural stuff to the food supply and environment is what creates most of the problems so I stay away from certain things.

     That is my reality and I respect yours and your experiences.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:48pm

688. 688: Mercedes says:

     Iamabutterfly: I think men struggle with women who cry all the time and are the ‘poor me’ type and want the world to feel sorry for them…BUT…what happened to YOU was in the moment, moved by something, authentically feeling emotion. Men (in my experience) LOVE that!

     Much Love,
     Mercedes

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:52pm

689. 689: Turquoise says:

     Awe Starla….. I like that too! Flaws and all…. Really that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Loving the flaws, or at least loving them in spite of them. That feels good in my heart. Can you imagine how accepted someone would feel knowing you really loved them?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:57pm

690. 690: Starla says:

     now that i’m not so triggered and angry (lol), i like tam’s laid back attitude about this health stuff. life is short either way… fear doesn’t serve us either! smash me and tam together and you have a perfectly balanced view hehe

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 2:59pm

691. 691: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I feel moved by the story of your aunt. It is really sad. The lesson I believe she is teaching us all is “choosing balance”.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

692. 692: Starla says:

     fw thats the message i just got loud and clear from this too:)

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

693. 693: Turquoise says:

     Thank you FW. I have to admit its getting a lot easier…. And more automatic to share my feelings and focus on them, rather than what I think. Sweetheart is very good at it, so that could be helping. I mirror and respond. Plus, he gets so excited, smiles like crazy…. It’s like instant gratification. I share a feeling and he wants to take care of it, rejoice with me, or comfort me. I’m going to look up John Gottman, I’m not familiar. So, should I only share a negative if I can share several positives about the same thing? Or just in general?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:06pm

694. 694: Femininewoman says:

     In general Turq. Keep it as a life principle because it helps people to feel good about themselves. I use it at work and with my kids as well

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:19pm

695. 695: Lori says:

     okay ladies, I’m leaving soon for my meeting. I haven’t heard back from him yet. I haven’t seen him online all day today so he may be sleeping. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:23pm

696. 696: Starla says:

     Alaska and I have reconnected as friends, and he is telling me about his gf of 3 months and how he’s not sure if he’s going to fall in love with her.

     then he started telling me how much he appreciated me when we were dating… he’s saying all the same stuff QZ compliments me on all the time.

     awwww, men think i’m wonderful! and for specific, unique-to-me reasons. i feel so special

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 3:32pm

697. 697: BeLoved says:

     Starla – awwwww, that sounds like that feels soooo good! I feel soft and warm hearing you are getting such beautiful feedback from men! You deserve it!

     Fun CD moment – I’ve been practicing feeling more at ease and making more eye contact with the men at work (even the creepy creeper young kid!) and when I went into the other office earlier and told the guys I needed to laugh, one who is usually very quiet got very animated and was pretending to poke at me with a monkey wrench. Totally silly and not funny but it struck me as funny at the time and it did the trick.

     I made eye contact with him later, and thanked him. He held my gaze, was very soft with me, nodded and said, “we found your medicine, then, yes?”
     I nodded – yes.

     I felt so cared for and protected and loved.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 4:29pm

698. 698: k2012 says:

     670-Turquoise. I called first regularly with disappearing ex, I was planning the vacation (that is when he visited me). We were supposed to go on a road trip which included going to my family home to spend time with my parents and one night was supposed to be spent at a hotel. Those plans as u all know went up in smoke as he disappeared. I cooked dinner the first day. Well Turquoise, I am certainly learning for the next relationship.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 4:55pm

699. 699: janie baby says:

     I am back in SF.
     I had a great break! Read the power of now and a couple other books. I felt very at peace as I was surrounded by my family and closest girl friends.
     I want to be grateful for what I have instead of looking at what I don’t have.
     The feelings of unworthiness and anxiety still creep in (in regards to my on and off boyfriend)
     I haven’t seen him, but I’m trying to let my feelings happen without projecting onto him. It’s my new challenge!
     I still would appreciate feedback on how to go about this week and motivate myself. I don’t start school for a few weeks, so I’m gonna have alot of free time and part of me is scared I’ll depend on him like my old ways.
     So during break I was majorly leaning back and let him call me / text me.
     Last night he called me twice at 2 am. I never answered and he texted me saying this
     “I just want to let you know that even though we can’t be together right now because you don’t trust me I love you sincerely and wish we could spend eternity together your my girl forever and I will always be yours”
     When I woke up and saw this, I felt curious if he had been drunk or something? haha I felt excited by the words but also hesitant to believe them until I see more actions. I arrived today and texted him back saying “thank you! i trust you. just got back!” and called him bout an hr away and he never responded. I know he has work from 5- 10..but I feel a little disappointed. I feel like he must not be that excited to see me ? We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks because I’ve been away. I just feel confused by his text from last night….
     I guess I just need to not let myself get swept away by words.
     I just really excited to see him! He’s my best friend here!
     I want to play and have fun!
     I want to release my expectations and be surprised.
     How do I approach this situation?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:08pm

700. 700: Turquoise says:

     K2012, i really learned too. I mothered the heck out of the last one. Thinking i was helping! I did…. Right out of the romance!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:09pm

701. 701: Maria says:

     Hello all! I’m new to the Rori Raye teachings. I recently purchased love scripts for dating. I have a situation that I would like to write a script for but I’ll admit that I feel scared and nervous and I’ve always has a hard time expressing my feelings… So here goes. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 6 months. Up until November things were great. He was requesting to see me more and more. And then, just as Rori described he sudenly got distant and I freaked. I asked him if we could go to the movies (I now know that I shouldnt have asked him.. per Rori He said yes, and we planned the day and what movie. We are both huge movie buffs. When the day came he called me at 9 pm. It was a week day so the movies close early on weekdays so when he called it was too late. I asked him if he worked late because he works in a hospital he said no he came home cleaned his etc. the conversation was very casual but he never said one thing about the movies, to this day he has said nothing. Well I felt humiliated and disrespected, I felt angry and I’ve been upset about this since November… Yes November. So you know this has created a lot of tension. I began doing things to purposely push him him away. I actually don’t know why he’s still speaking to me. One thing that I did caused him to delete his FB friends list from 600 to 184. He was very upset with me and he made that very clear. I honestly expected him to delete me and not speak to me again. Part of me wanted to make him mad enough so that he would just go away. Oddly enough I really like this guy. So this past Saturday we were at a mutual friends Bday party and something made me really mad and I said something to him loud enough to embarrass him. He left the party and then texted me. It was heated at first and then he said obviously you’re in your feelings about something do call me when you want to talk about it. I called him but I still had no idea to truly express my feelings. He told me he was upset with me and the conversation ended. On Sunday he has to work a 24 hour shift and he can’t talk on the phone so he sent me a FB message saying that he was waiting on an apology from me. Well I did apologize but I told him that I wanted an apology from him for standing me up. He told me no because what I did Saturday was embarrassing and uncalled for. And he said that I’ve been acting way out of pocket lately. Of course I was upset and this was probably the time for me to tell him why I’ve been acting the way that I have. But I didn’t.. I just didn’t know what to say. So this conversation was yesterday and I haven’t talked to him since. Do I tell him what has has me so pissed off? I wrote this really short script.. Please tell me if its good thanks! :

     I felt humiliated and disrespected because I’ve never been stood up before. And I don’t like feeling like that.

     I’m looking forward to all your thoughts! Thanks!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 5:12pm

702. 702: Femininewoman says:

     Gratitude is what you get for that. Not romance

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 7:51pm

703. 703: Indigo says:

     I have been leaning back, leaning back, with D, and yesterday I felt a lot of anger come up for me. As I was going for my afternoon walk in the beautiful sunshine, I felt myself shaking with rage. I wanted to love on those feelings, but they didn’t want to be loved, they just wanted to be an explodey ball of anger

     I’m not sure if it was a delayed reaction from the accident, or the healing effects of leaning back, but my anger over things came up a lot yesterday. Is this normal? Has any other siren experienced this when you really start to stop overfunctioning and lean back?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:29pm

704. 704: Memulo says:

     K2012 – he can get physically hit by some woman. Interesting, his ex often tried to beat him up. He had dr reports for that.. and kept on living with her. He said she was ‘psychologically defending herself’ – by hitting him hard in his sleep.

     Anyway, to the point of ‘helping’ I feel bad sometimes that I wasn’t helping more actively.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:38pm

705. 705: MovingMagic says:

     Indigo, re: delayed anger. Yes, yes, & more yes!! The further I dive into my healing, the more stuff comes up. Some days it’s anger, other days resistance, resentment, impatience, exhaustion, huffiness…the list goes on. When I catch myself I remind myself to breathe, & then go back to my personal affirmations/meditations. It works wonders for me.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:39pm

706. 706: Memulo says:

     My CD calls and texts and says he can’t wait to see me. My need of feeling secure is fully satisfied

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:41pm

707. 707: Iamabutterfly says:

     Thanks, Mercedes! That felt helpful.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:50pm

708. 708: MovingMagic says:

     Hey ladies, I’m feeling amazed at where I’m at in my healing. I was asked out tonight, & honored my needs by feeling my exhausted body, & rescheduling for tomorrow. I did my usual dance class & made my way home. In the past I would have powered through it. I would rather feel rested & present my best self. Circular dating reminds me that I have options, which feels soooo amazing. The man who has asked me out teaches Brazilian Jiu Jitsu…heyyy, heyyy, heyyy. Can we say eye candy?!?

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 8:51pm

709. 709: Turquoise says:

     Moving Magic…. Wow, he sounds sexy! Great job taking care of you tonight too!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:06pm

710. 710: Turquoise says:

     Sirens, besides the sweet nothings from sweetheart, who to ight yold me that he absolutely would want to marry me. (Which wasn’t a proposal, it was in regards to a facebook thing) still felt great to hear though!

     But in other aspects of my life, 2013 is starting out wonderfully! This weekend i went to a praise and worship night st my church, i felt gery drawn in, that i shoukd be there. Still lots to learn and grow on.
     I went to my sisters work party, had a blast, good food, time with my sis and her boss’s are giving her a week of their time share in mexico snd were telling us sll about it, as i get to go too! They have a lot of money. It felt intriguing yo eonder about their lifestyles. To wonder about my future success andvwhat luxuries I may have ahead. Im not msterialustic, but i so love to travel. I want that and an awesome camera in my future. There was a new young guy there, i know sll her work peeps. This one is prob. Late 20′s gorgeous body and totally sexy. He was tgere with a pretty girl, but kept staring at me. Maybe my siren vibe was in full force? Lol

     But what i feel gest about is thst im totally sticking to my budget and my house looks gorgrous. These are areas ive struggled eith, and its all getting better. My girls are good…. Life feels…. Stable, conquerable, not overwhelming! I feel….. Worthy. I am happy with myself.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:18pm

711. 711: Turquoise says:

     Oh geez, sorry for all the typos. I’d better turn the autocorrect back on! goodnight!

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:20pm

712. 712: MovingMagic says:

     Thank you Turquoise. Putting myself first is so new for me. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of other people. Something in me always felt like if I didn’t honor others needs, they would poof on me. What I’m seeing now is that people are even more attracted to me because I take care of myself, & honor my body & emotions. Whoa. All in due time I suppose.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:22pm

713. 713: Indigo says:

     Moving Magic

     That felt so wonderful to hear At first, I felt all rageful at D, thinking he must be the reason for my anger, but eventually, much later, I caught myself. This is my old self thinking. And I remembered hearing that this is what happens when healing comes up. And yes, I can relate to the days when huffiness comes up! Thank you for affirming this for me

     Yay, and oooooohh for your date he sounds super sexy. Enjoy what you feel in his presence.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:29pm

714. 714: Indigo says:

     Lori 633

     Anger and resentment are so normal when we have spent months overfunctioning and we finally stop to take stock of what we have done. I know this feeling soooo well, you are not alone

     I feel glad that you chose to trust him about being sick, and I would encourage you instead of slipping into overfunctioning mode, to fill the silence with good vibes and faith that he means well and that everything will turn out for the best. Men seem to feel it somehow, or D has, and he always gets in touch.

     You sound great xx

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:38pm

715. 715: MovingMagic says:

     Thanks Indigo. I also find allowing myself to cry it out helps so much. I light candles, & incense every night, using my time right before bed to tap into what needs to be tapped into. I have a great support system. Some fiesty, colorful, very real ladies, & men who honestly care. Emotions are like waves…sometimes we just have to ride them out. “This too shall pass”.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:40pm

716. 716: MovingMagic says:

     The date will be fun. How do I know? Because I’m fun. I like that I’m attracting athletic/fit men. Men that teach these things since I teach them myself. Perhaps it can be common ground. Regardless it’s practice.

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 9:44pm

717. 717: Sirenity says:

     Interesting Starla and Tam ..

     As someone who has had cancer aged 50 and another long term draining illness with hospitalisations monthly for 15 years..I say ….

     LIVE FOR THE MOMENT !!!

     Dont waste your intellect analysing every morsel of food, or every work out you didnt do. Artificial sweeteners may reduce obesity in some people I guess , and we all know obesity is the biggest single cause of cancer following

     Live sensibly but dont obsess about it . Dont smoke anything. Lungs arent meant to be fed toxic fumes, and dont put chemicals into your body that destroy body cells or make a crash zone in your brain chemistry.

     Otherwise its up to you ..computers cause huge health risks and I dont see them mentioned ..I mean diabesity, mental health issues, porn addictions and bad backs just for starters..

     These days I am very philosophical about life.Its here today and gone tomorrow and worrying about an artificial sweetener occasionally or a coffee more frequently doesnt actually enhance the quality of my life.

     And this is what the US government website analysis of cancer risk states http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/artificial-sweeteners

     So saying that because you work in statistics Starla does not mean that all statisticians share your view about sweeteners. Personally I dont like them myself but lets put some balance in to this point.

     Oh ..and the biggest cancer risk is age, followed by tobacco then sunlight ..here is the list. Notice alcohol causes cancer.http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/wyntk/cancer/page3

     Tuesday, 8 January 2013 @ 11:51pm

718. 718: Isabel says:

     Hi Rori
     Ive been seeing this guy (it started with fwb) in sept then he went back with his ex, so we stopped seeing each other, in last Nov he told me hes single again so we started to hang out again just as friends, just before christmas we started to seeing each other intimatly again but this time he told me hes not planning on seeing any random girls and is ready for a long term relationship. i thought he was implying he wanted more with me however just this week he told me hes seeing his ex again ( but just sex ) he says he doesnt have feelings for her anymore. what should i do? should i keep seeing him or should i end things with him? i think i really like him and would probably get hurt if he goes back to his ex again

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 1:04am

719. 719: Daria says:

     Turquoise – whoa wtf. I do Not feel good being talked to that way. I feel very angry.

     I wrote to you very intimately and genuinely… I was feeling very surprised at myself and happy to find myself opening up by sharing my honest feelings this way.

     I feel surprised honestly to be attacked. I feel very fuchk u and like getting far away now, (oh I see this is a pattern of mine to beat myself up for opening up when what happens next doesn’t feel good)

     Yes it’s true I felt scared reading what was written about the ex. Scared as in my body. You will have to ask my body to explain why if you think it doesn’t make sense. I’m not in control of what I feel.

     I get it. It’s triggering ti be asked as from the perspective of someone else who may see you as ‘so engaged’ when you don’t see yourself that way etc.

     And I feel glad I was able to share openly exactly my direct loving truth with you, even of it triggered you (and me now).

     And I do not want to be attacked.

     I do get tho it may have come across surprising, as that was my real speaking voice written down… It felt surprising to me that I communicated that way/from that place of intimacy authenticity.

     Thank you for sharing here. It helps me to tweak even more and take even more triggering phrasing out the way I talk w people I care about/ feel comfortable with.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 1:59am

720. 720: Daria says:

     I feel triggered that my sad drinks aspartame soda.

     I was just thinking earlier how I just don’t feel good/secure when my man doesn’t take. Are of his health or his views on it differ much from mine. It feels too triggering , I don’t feel safe.

     I actually want to be in charge of the family health.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 2:10am

721. 721: Daria says:

     Turquoae – I hear that it felt like you are being made wrong. That was not my intent. I felt concerned, not so much about him bad mouthing his ex as much as it just seemed taken at face value and written sa such.

     I’ve seen other women here on blog take sides against an ex abd it felt triggering to me.

     When I said I would Never write that – that would better be reworded in saying I do t feel compelled to write that.

     Of all the men I’ve dated since Rori I don’t have any compulsion to write mentioning how their exes were negatively – based on the mans words.

     So that that Was written has already taken it to a level where it caught mu attention I feel concern about.

     Concern cuz for me doing that w a man and feeling like ‘poor him’ when it comes to exes comes easily as a pattern and is past of mothering feeling live and aww and compassion for him which I notice myself easily feeling (before I toss myself off the bridge after a man I feel all aww for)

     I Feel so pist and frustrated ( and frightened of you abd completely numb over that now) that my words that came from such a loving best friend place resulted in triggering and brought me attacks .

     I want to blame you and actually it’s very clear that that is a pattern, it’s not your fault at all of course.

     I’m feeling a bit better.

     The worst that coulda happen (being taken the totally wrong way in my loving vulnerability and attacked) did, and I’m ok and this pattern is healing.

     I don’t gave to worry about being attacked being vulnerable w women from a caring place. I will be ok.

     I feel pist still.

     I love my pistness.

     Wow this really reminds me of my parents.

     I love my fustration w God for setting up this pattern where I feel so angry abd ‘hurt’/ sad lonely dissapointed and traumatized.

     I love my anger!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 2:25am

722. 722: Daria says:

     I feel bummed. U feel dissapointed. I feel resentful.

     I hear: why an I always the one who gets misunderstood and attacked. Why can’t people just treat me well ?

     Awww thank you for noticing I was hearing that .

     Aww thank you Daria

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 2:36am

723. 723: Daria says:

     Starla – who is your new belly dance instructor ?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 2:43am

724. 724: Daria says:

     Turquoise – I retras my post and I felt less of the intimate vibe I felt while writing it.

     Perhaps at the time, it was written in such a spoken way that my tone and expressions would have setting be seen to ‘Get’ me

     I can rrly see how it felt triggering . Thanks stai. For shark v and practicing here.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 3:13am

725. 725: Daria says:

     *I re-read my post

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 3:20am

726. 726: Tam says:

     I haven’t had time to read back on the blog.
     But:
     I met Curly last night for a talk.
     I was disappointed with myself because I could not talk about any of the major things that bother me.

     But then, he was not in a mood to let me speak. He was talking, not listening, and he was upset.
     He said that he felt hurt by my back-tracking and suggesting we should be dating casually again.
     He wants a relationship with me and he did not see
     that we were ‘rushing things’, rather he felt I was getting second thoughts and rejecting him.
     He also said that to him it seems I am just getting scared because things are so good and because I am not used to things being so good.

     Hm. He was very coky actually, kind of ‘this is a good thing and you will see it sooner or later, I am the right man for you’. I was a littly grumbly but also, he had a point. Yes, I am scared because it was good but I am also scared because of some issues I saw cropping up. As he asked me what the problems were I started (babystep) with the least of my worries, which is the ex girlfriends calling him and him talking about them a lot (there are 2). I said it makes me feel weird and insecure. He was explaining that in a way it made sense….and that he split up with them a long time ago and bla bla bla.
     Ok.
     At one point when I said I needed more time, he got a little ratty and said ‘I feel like getting up and leaving’. In that moment in my mind I just thought ‘ok, if he goes now then it’s over and done with’ – part of me felt relieved.
     Well, he stayed and I could see his eyes turn all teary and I guess he was just feeling emotional.

     In the end we hugged and kissed and it felt very nice, yes and I was glad that he came back and he said that he can feel that I want to see him and that my head is fabricating things to sabotage ‘us’. Again, he has a point. But that is not all.
     He got another phonecall where he said ‘I can’t talk right now’ and I really had the impression there are fishy things in his life, that my gut feeling is picking up on. I said that it is no surprise I feel on edge when there is a phone call I am not supposed to hear.

     All in all it wasn’t all that successful because I did not feel it was a good time to talk as he was still very emotional regarding everything and did not really listen, he was going into convincer mode ‘how good we are together’ and so on.

     I don’t know what to do. Do I keep going with this?
     He really wants us to be an item, he does not want me to see other men and he is not happy about the backtracking and ‘just dating’. He wants me for himself, and all of me. And I am not sure. So I just see how it goes and see if he gives me the time I need ot if he gets fed up and runs?
     Because this is about me and what I feel happy with…and I haven’t made my mind up about this man yet. Yes, I feel great in his company and he is very consistent and I couldn’t wish for more attention BUT there are the red flags….sigh.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:02am

727. 727: Tam says:

     I also had the feeling that this man has a dark side to him, to his personality…not sure. I saw him a little nervous and not as calm and composed as usual, and he was quite highly strung, getting upset with the slow service etc. Could all just be because he felt stressed, but I detected something that I also saw on our first date, kind of ‘is he really like this or is he putting on an act?’
     Yesterday I felt like I got a glimpse of the real guy, no masks. Still confident but also defiant and afraid of rejection and afraid to lose his heart.
     Which was ok, but I realised he can be tough and somewhat harsh, impatient and not listening to what I had to say…in a way this is good because I was waiting for this to show up – the ‘not so good’ parts. This is a good thing and needs to happen.
     If this is what is his worst, I can deal with it.
     But it did remind me a little of my Italian ex, who turned out to be really choleric and nasty when he was upset. Aggressive. I wouldn’t want that again.
     But I don’t think Curly is like that…not really, no.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:12am

728. 728: Femininewoman says:

     Tam he is supposed to be the convincer. That gives you the power. This is where you negotiate what you want. and let him know what makes you feel uncomfortable. I would maybe tell him that I keep asking myself if I can live my life with the two exs constantly in it and I cannot yet come up with a yes. I believe also that it might help if you go deep inside yourself about trust. Do you believe he has to earn your trust or can you just choose to trust? Do you believe you can choose to love him unconditionally?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:16am

729. 729: Femininewoman says:

     The true personality generally comes out by six months. No one can put on an act forever.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:18am

730. 730: ruth says:

     oh
     Thank you!
     I didnt realise that I would start to feel angry when |I stopped over functioning

     I feel so relieved and a little tearful to read that

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:21am

731. 731: ruth says:

     Tam
     Im feeling edgy about curly, and I dont even know him

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:24am

732. 732: Femininewoman says:

     I believe what you focus on grows. I am not suggesting ignoring his dark side, but do we all have one? I believe this just needs a little time to see what happens. I still do believe that Tam is kinda in a hurry to get to a destination.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:29am

733. 733: Tam says:

     FW, oh thank you foryour comments.
     Truth is, I do not know that I can trust him. I can ‘choose’ trust, to a certain extent..but then when a phone call comes and it gets heated and he says ‘I can’t talk right now’, and this happens frequently, my mind does go into overdrive.
     What is he hiding?
     I can feel him hiding something.

     As for love, I am not in love yet and I consider that my strongest point here. I can take it or leave it. I would miss the attention and the ‘feel-good’ that he provides, as he is very much in tune with me. But to love him unconditionally, whoa, that is probably a looooooooong way away.

     This guy can do relationship, there is no doubt about it. I can feel that. He would make a good partner and I wouldn’t hesitate if there weren’t the red flags. Although the communication stuff is not flowing easily sometimes as he chooses to listen when he wants to and if he doesn’t like something, he changes the subject and ‘convinces’ again.
     But yes, the man has to be the convincer.
     And I need to find out if what he has to offer is good for me or not. Honestly speaking, I don’t know.
     After having so much drama with MrP, and sensing that Curly has a fair amount of drama in his life also, I hesitate.
     Then Curly said something pretty true yesterday: ‘you are an extraordinary woman, and I do not think that I could ever replace you as you are totally unique. I want you for myself. And I know that not many men could live up to your expectations, and that you are looking for someone who can keep up with you and excite you and who has an edge as well as being a very good person with values’.
     Yep. He reads me pretty well.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:30am

734. 734: Tam says:

     726 FW..yea, I am in a hurry to find out what’s going on before I get too attached. Quite right!!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:32am

735. 735: Femininewoman says:

     Oh man, this feels a bit scary to acknowledge and to write but I feel so bored with most of Daria’s post I overlook them. I feel overwhelmed at times with all the “I feel, I feel I feel” that I think who cares. It also seem to lack intellectual engagement or attraction. It reminds me of the “boy who cried wolf”. Now I am wondering if sometimes that is how some men feel and the reason they don’t seem to respond well to FMs. I guess we are all susceptible to emotional overload.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:33am

736. 736: Tam says:

     Ruth, maybe that is just my suspicious mind which has now infected you?
     Got to trust my gut feelings though..

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:33am

737. 737: ruth says:

     729

     FW, I think this is *exactly* what has happened with my man in the past
     So I will use FM quite sparingly
     I guess you stil need to feel the feelings though

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:36am

738. 738: Tam says:

     he sent me a text this morning that he is not going to show me by words but by actions what he is made of…ho hum…let’s see. I feel curious.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:36am

739. 739: Iamabutterfly says:

     Wow, I’m feeling Higher Power at work in my life. Today, I’ve been running into my lonely co-worker more than I have in a really long time!

     I feel shy, but I keep smiling at her and sending her all the warmth I have inside me.

     It feels so good to be there for another woman.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:36am

740. 740: Femininewoman says:

     Tam how about “I notice myself feeling judgemental listening to that kind of conversation. I feel myself wanting to ask “what are you hiding” but I want to respect your privacy and your choice not to share. I feel concerned about being overbearing and I don’t want you to micromanage. Is there anything you can do to help me so we can enjoy each others presence? Is there anything I need to know?”

     Or something to that effect that address the issues, your feelings and validates him without putting the relationship on trial.

     Hope this makes sense. If you set your intention to create harmony between you two I believe your heart will direct you to speaking with compassion. Remember it is the female who sets the emotional tone of the relationship. I believe the man will follow.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:40am

741. 741: Femininewoman says:

     want to micromanage you

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:41am

742. 742: Iamabutterfly says:

     Feminine woman, I know what you mean. Guys have the same emotions that we have, but I find that they don’t quite “feel them all at once” like we do. It seems they usually have one at a time, and love when we can help them express and identify what they’re feeling…

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:42am

743. 743: Femininewoman says:

     Tam – I see the ho hum as your mind seeking for something wrong. Not authentically curious.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:42am

744. 744: Femininewoman says:

     Do you somewhere deep inside believe this man is not good for you? Where you unconsciously are rejecting him?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:43am

745. 745: Femininewoman says:

     Iamabutterfly I don’t know that for a fact. I believe though that they are a jumble of emotions just as we are. Just that their brains are wired differently so they can compartmentalize and they don’t move from one emotion to the next as quickly as we do. Also most of them cannot find the words for what they are feeling.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:45am

746. 746: Iamabutterfly says:

     also, they like to have us not only as emotional lovers but as best friends. as best friends, I think they like us to be able to tap into our masculine energy, play with them, and level with them…

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:45am

747. 747: Iamabutterfly says:

     @739 Yeah, I don’t know that for a fact, either. It just kinda seems that way…:) They seem more simple. Not in a bad way, just different…

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:47am

748. 748: Femininewoman says:

     ruth my mind suspects that your guy would be more responsive to body language and intonation. Men for the most part are not talkers.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:47am

749. 749: Tam says:

     734 FW great suggestions…I shall copy and paste.
     738 – yes, deep down I do somehow have the belief that this man is not good enough for me (eeek, there it is). I don’t know why. Or maybe I do.
     It’s the gut feeling and the red flags…
     The fact that he lives day to day with no security and so on.
     For some reason I would like a stable situation.
     BUT he does make me feel loved and respected and happy also. And I want to see the full story as I still don’t know him well enough.
     Yes, we all have a dark side. But he has told me some hair-raising stuff about his past. The fact that he is so honest about it is great, but I realised pretty quickly that he was probably the A-Typical bad boy, playboy and crazy man when he was younger. He said so himself.
     However, he has changed and I can see that also, it is obvious. He had an epiphany when his mother died and changed his life.
     I just don’t feel particularly safe with him (yet).
     He is probably the type of guy I spent my whole life avoiding and maybe came into my life for a lesson…who knows! Time will tell.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 5:52am

750. 750: Mel says:

     I feel tired of tantrum-ing. I was just feeling all lonely and wanting to engage and I felt invisible. I feel better-ish.

     I want to meet more girl friends. It’s hard to meet new people as an adult. It feels like everybody has their “circle” already and there aren’t many openings…

     I miss my friends from back home…. but they are so far away.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:07am

751. 751: Mel says:

     Tam,

     I’ve been reading about your Curly situation with interest. It appears that he is a “step-up” man. And I think that you should take as much time as necessary to determine if he’s the right kind of man for you.

     Let him convince you. Then take your time to choose if he’s presented a “convincing” case. I agree with FW. This gives you all the power. YOU are the prize that he must win.

     One thing I have learned is that things always come into the light. You don’t have to worry about them or feel anxious, because without any effort on your part, if these “red flags” truly are problematic, they will become more and more obvious.

     one thought I had…

     A plus of being with a “reformed” bad-boy is that he’s got all of that out of his system. He’s not secretly wondering if life’s greener, because he knows it’s not.

     Hopefully, he’ll prove (through action) that he is serious about making some life changes and then you can decide how that feels.

     XO

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:13am

752. 752: Vi says:

     I let him see me feeling shaky and afraid… It felt .. wow and exciting! I used to feel guilty and ‘bad’ for feeling afraid… I feel so happy to be healing this bit by bit!! I am feeling afraid to write that I am feeling happy…. hehe… I love my fears! I LOVE MY FEARS! wooohooo! It feels like music to me… I feel so musical and poetic to love and accept myself…

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:15am

753. 753: Calypso says:

     Last night I spent some time going back through some of my old posts on FB and I found one from May 8th 2011 that said, “I have waited a very long time to be this happy. Counting my blessings has become a full time job”. I remember posting that – I was sitting on GM’s back porch watching him on his riding mower and just thinking about how wonderful it felt to be falling in love with the man of my dreams. It felt so good and so right – we were falling together. I can’t make myself understand how we can be nothing now. I have a hole in my heart. Does he? I can’t worry about that, I guess. :/

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:16am

754. 754: Femininewoman says:

     we were falling together – How do you know this is true?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:26am

755. 755: Tam says:

     Mel, awwwh. That was a nice post and felt great to read, and yes, soothing.
     You are of course right.
     And that is what I am trying to do, with much trepidation so it seems, I could just relax.
     Maybe I feel uneasy because I can’t read him yet, and I find most people so easy to read.
     He is a total step-up alpha man, that is true.
     With an illustrous past. But then, it is true, that is partly what makes it interesting also.
     Just that I have always gone with the nice and good boys and it has served me well.
     Curly even says himself that he looks like a player and bad boy but that he can’t help the way he looks.
     A few years ago I’d have avoided men like him like the plague, always surrounded by female friends and so on. Now I feel more secure in myself and more open and also curious.
     We shall see.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:28am

756. 756: Femininewoman says:

     Mel/Tam – I love the comment about the reformed bad boy. I believe these are ultimately the best gentlemen when they choose reformation.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:28am

757. 757: Calypso says:

     FW – he told me he was falling for me. We talked about how crazy we were for each other. We cried together when he started pulling away and we both acknowledged that we were fools to let each other go. He loves me, but he has chosen to live his life alone. He is afraid of getting hurt again (his words). Back before he got scared, he used to tell me all the time that he did not want to scare me, but that he was falling hard and fast . . . I loved hearing that. I trusted it. i could not see that he would scare himself!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:33am

758. 758: Mel says:

     750: I was married to the “good” boy, who secretly wished he was “bad.”

     That felt terrible. He didn’t know what he wanted, so didn’t want what he had. I could feel so much resentment. I didn’t feel adored or cherished.

     It’s good that we’ve parted ways because he can feel free to do all those things he wanted to do without guilt/blaming me. And I can feel free to have the relationship I want, with someone that chooses relationship.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:36am

759. 759: Linda says:

     Morning Sirens

     I had a odd mix of emotions yesterday. Staying tunned into my feelings about them is like a compass for me. I made a promise to myself that I will never do anything that does not FEEL good to me ever again.

     Yesterday I consumed a sandwich/lunch that was prepared for me by FavoriteCD. He just did it because and I was quite surprised at his thoughtfulness and initiative. His doing that made me feel cared for and special. (acts of service is my main love language). He asked me to text him when I arrived at work yesterday so he knew I was ok. This was a new type of request from him and it felt again caring and his concern for my safety which translated into a good feeling too. So, I did . When I ate my lunch I found a hand written note on my napkin.. wishing me a good day.. xoxox. WOW I felt really special then… I text him thanking him and telling him how I felt.

     Oddly, I heard nothing from him ALL day. No call/text/ and or responses. I went from feeling really special to off of his radar and ignored. Actually it even feels rude to me and I feel angry at him . He carries his phone and looks at it all the time. (I have seen him do it routinely). This is a BIG turn off for me. THe fact that I feel angry shows me I feel attachment and expectations growing. Even if we were not involved in a dating relationship, I do admit that I expect an answer to a text or a acknowledgement or comment from a low priority generic relationship person.

     When we are together, he is into me..treats me like a queen, is attentive, romantic, respectful, fun, playful.. everything I am looking for in a partner and relationship. THen a day of feeling off his radar and uninportant.

     This relationship may be nothing more a indepth opportunity to learn more things about what I want and dont want. So after some searching within I have come to this….I believe communication is vital between people and it is even more important in a romantic relationship. It feels bad to not have communication returned and I am not interested a relationship that does not flow in that area.

     I need a feeling message to communicate my desire and encourage. I need help

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:44am

760. 760: Tam says:

     He asked me to relax ‘for him and with him’ and let him prove himself to me.

     Yep. I shall try. Sigh.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:45am

761. 761: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso there are men out there who leave women they love. As in the bad boy scenario, it is best he choose to live the life he wants to live now rather than regret it later and backtrack. Then your heart, your life, your world would be more exposed.

     I would choose to be believe that that love was co-created. You had a part in it and have the power to do it again. Maybe even with someone else. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find the strength to give him a small place in your heart so that you can minimize the pining slowly, slowly.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:46am

762. 762: Femininewoman says:

     Tam did you ask him to help you with that or how is he going to help you relax?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:47am

763. 763: Femininewoman says:

     I want to relax and deeply surrender to love. I need to feel safe. I need to feel secure. I need to know that my heart will be protected and taken care of if I give it to a man.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:49am

764. 764: Tam says:

     752, very interesting Mel.
     Sorry to hear you had that experience.

     Does a leopard change his spots, though? Or do they just fade a little with age….something to ponder and something to see for oneself.

     Curly still has the risk taking stuff going on and all that womanising thing, although pretty toned down.
     He’s been there and done that BUT it’s still a part of who he is, and perhaps the part that I find intriguing also.
     Not sure. I shall relax and see what happens…without getting too attached at this point.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:50am

765. 765: Femininewoman says:

     What do I need so I can feel relaxed?
     What do I need so I can feel safe surrendering?
     What do I need to experience to feel taken care of?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:51am

766. 766: Tam says:

     756 757 FW, I have indicated that it would help me if I had more time…basically.
     He grumbled and almost bolted but he understood and so far has honoured it by not asking me again to be in a committed relationship, and by leaving things relatively open.
     Nice feeling messages in 756…

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:53am

767. 767: Femininewoman says:

     From Gay:

     The Erotic Possibilities Of Honesty

     One thing nobody ever bothers to tell us about honesty (at least nobody ever told me): honesty feels good. In fact, if you get really focused on being microscopically honest as you go about your life, you will very likely discover that honesty feels so good it qualifies as a sexual experience. There’s a good reason for that. Honesty has an immediate effect on your energy system. If there’s something inside that you haven’t told the truth about–especially if it’s something important–it has the effect on your energy system of a withheld sneeze. And no matter how polite you feel by withholding a sneeze, it sure doesn’t feel as good and complete, from an energy perspective, as actually sneezing.

     To express an emotion or a withheld truth has that same kind of effect on our systems. If we’re feeling angry or scared or sad, we need to do two things in order to have a complete energy relationship with them:

     1) Feel the deepest truth of the emotion, in our bodies, and

     2) Express those feelings in ways that create more aliveness in ourselves and the people around us.

     With love,

     Katie & Gay Hendricks

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:55am

768. 768: Calypso says:

     FW – Thanks for the kind words. I’m slipping back a bit right now – probably because I’m so emotional after sending my son back to the Marine Corp on Monday AND the airport i took him to required me to drive through the town where GM lives – where everything reminds me of our time together. Just the simple act of crying reminds me of GM . . . lol. Not in a good way . . .

     I do believe I am going to be ok. It feels more like grieving than pining now – I’m not so much wishing that we were together or plotting on how to make that happen as I am finally realizing it is really over and feeling the pain of the loss. I think it is good – I think I need this. It feels like a death – something I have to deal with eventually – now seems like a good time to start – I’m actually a month into the process and understanding it better every day.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:55am

769. 769: Femininewoman says:

     Do You Feel A Mini-Orgasm With Every Breath?

     If not, you’re missing out on something. Let’s put it another way: Unless you feel waves of pleasant, shimmering sensation when you breathe, you’re not breathing properly. When you’re breathing well, you feel a mini-orgasm with every breath you take. Take a moment now to find out if you’re breathing well. Tune in to your body sensations and discover if you’re feeling sensations like these when you breathe:
     •As your in-breath comes in, you feel waves of shimmering, pleasant sensation across your belly and chest.
     •As you breathe out, you feel a pleasurable wave of sweet release.
     •It’s a feeling of letting go, a satisfying sense of completion. Then, the next wave of shimmering sensation spreads across your chest and belly as the next in-breath comes in.

     If you’re not feeling sensations like those when you breathe, you owe it to yourself to find out how to make it happen! The good news is that, with clear instruction, it doesn’t take long to feel those delightful mini-orgasms when you breathe. More information here:

     Liberating Your Full Orgasm Reflex
     http://orgasmreflex.com/?utm_source=iContact&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=The%20Hendricks%20Institute%20Newsletter&utm_content=Newsletter+09JAN13

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:58am

770. 770: Mel says:

     Tam,

     I think leopards can change their spots if they are INSPIRED to. It has to be completely their choice though.

     I suppose time will tell if Curly offers you all that you need to feel safe and secure with him.

     See what he serves you… then you can say (with a smile): “yes… more please!” or “no, thank-you!”

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:58am

771. 771: Tam says:

     openness, honesty and transparency make me feel safe also.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 6:59am

772. 772: Tam says:

     764, Mel, very very true and that is what I am intending to do.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:03am

773. 773: Femininewoman says:

     Calypso I believe it is okay to slip back sometimes. We slip, we fall. We get back up. We brush ourselves off. We move forward. That is part of the human experience. Some day you will look back and feel grateful to yourself for taking this risk to stand in your personal power.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:10am

774. 774: Femininewoman says:

     Thank goodness humans are not leopards. Thank goodness humans have shown a capacity to choose change. While there are similarities with the animal kingdom I choose to challenge the limiting belief that equates humans being unable to change in connection with the physical frame of an animal.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:14am

775. 775: Calypso says:

     I do feel powerful. I am healing me.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:15am

776. 776: Linda says:

     757 & 759 …Maybe women are universal in their needs. I need to feel these things. Now I need to identify what enables that list of needs. Good.. more things to be in touch with so I can know how to take better care of myself and reach my goals.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:30am

777. 777: Annie says:

     Turquoise.

     “****** Annie, if it were a main focus of our conversations, yes, I’d see it as a red flag. But it’s not. What I’ve heard about her, has more come up in conversation like, she refused to kiss him because he smoked. While I don’t like that he smokes, I haven’t withheld affection. He’s now using the patch and hasn’t smoked in 3 days. One night we spent hours sitting on my couch, with the fire place on, a funny movie in the background which we half watched, mostly talked through and cuddled together. Later he shared that they never did that. I was shocked, but he said she didn’t talk about her feelings, at all, ever in 20 years. When he would try to talk about their problems, she would say she didn’t know, wasn’t sure, didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not criticizing her, but I’ve learned to talk about my feelings here, so the difference is noticible to him. I say “I feel” regularly. Maybe it’s wrong for me to say she’s unemotional, but at least she doesn’t express them. I have been positive and thankful when he’s done something for me, and again he shared that for years and years he felt that he just couldn’t do anything right. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, I’m not focused on where their relationship was or is now. I’m trying to learn to be present in the moment, to accept the positives he brings to my life, and see how this all feels to me, because it’s new. About red flags, I’m not looking for a red flag free person. I’m not expecting someone else to be perfect, and I know I’m not. But someone that’s red flags are liveable or could possibly change. I hate smoking. Non smokers have been my number one requirement for dating my entire adult life. And look, if I hadn’t been willing to give a little room here….. what I would have missed. AND, after smoking for over 20 years, he’s motivated to try and quit. I want to be more open, to see the person, and not just the flags or the criteria I believe I need to be happy. ”

     This is how I see it, she was not cold harsh withholding affection for refusing to kiss him because he smoked. It turned her off it was her boundary.
     You are not wrong for kissing him even though he smokes, it is not such a problem for you.
     Calling another woman judgmental names on her boundaries and her actions feels bad to me. And if he is still talking about it has not been resolved and he has not fully let it go. RED FLAG to me, not to you so no problem there for you. He is in your life and you in his for a reason, learning lesson.
     “I’m not focused on where their relationship was or is now. ” If someone is talking about or thinking about something they are focused on it.
     If you can live with him smoking and trying to quit then that;s great. He may or he may not only time will tell.
     The smoking is not the CORE problem. Smoking is an addiction like any other, gambling, sex, alcohol,drugs, prescriptive medication.
     Fantastic if he manages to and is motivated to stop smoking. Even better if he starts healing his core wounds that lie beneath the smoking.
     At the end of the day
     If you are happy with him great and feel good in his presence and are healing together great. None of what I say matters if you are supposed to be together and take this journey together.
     We attract and are attracted to where we are at. That is the law of attraction. X

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:31am

778. 778: Linda says:

     I adopted up a belief from the material here… it is “if a man does not contact you it is because he does not WANT to” Is it true?

     I wonder if that is a limited belief.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:32am

779. 779: Femininewoman says:

     Annie I know I am not Turquoise but it feels like you are picking her (words/logic) apart with surgical matter of fact words. I know, this not a perfect FM.

     I imagine that it would feel comforting for her to start afresh today with new awareness. I feel confident she will “speak” for herself but I know it if were me I would feel jerked around and like someone is constantly trying to rub my crap in my face. Maybe I am projecting. I can see how my words can rub people the wrong way.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:41am

780. 780: Shar Lean Way Back says:

     Ruth, what are your favorite running shoes and how often to you have to replace them? I am trying to get back into jogging..i was always really really slow but it’s the one execercise I don’t mind. Extended patella has kept me from it but I am trying a knee thingy that seems to help that so I’m going to try to get back to it.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:44am

781. 781: Shar Lean Way Back says:

     oops exercise

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:45am

782. 782: Mel says:

     Linda,

     “if a man does not contact you it is because he does not WANT to”

     There are probably an infinite number of reasons that a man would choose not to contact you.

     Maybe he’s busy.
     Maybe he thinks he screwed-up so bad, he doesn’t have a chance (as was in Starla’s and my case)
     Maybe he forgot
     Maybe he doesn’t want to look too eager
     Maybe….

     It could be anything, really. But that’s getting too much in his head. If he’s not contacting you, then the way I see it is that I have my own choices to make and my own life to live. Regardless of WHY he’s not.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:46am

783. 783: Calypso says:

     Linda – I agree with Mel. You have to let go of the “why” . . . it is not your job to try to understand what he does or does not do.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:52am

784. 784: Femininewoman says:

     Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call to see how you will respond.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 7:56am

785. 785: Annie says:

     775: Femininewoman says:

     “Annie I know I am not Turquoise but it feels like you are picking her (words/logic) apart with surgical matter of fact words. I know, this not a perfect FM.”

     Feels like a judgment/thought about me not your feelings FM.
     But if that is what you think that is what you think.

     “I imagine that it would feel comforting for her to start afresh today with new awareness. I feel confident she will “speak” for herself . ”

     I feel confident that if Turquoise wants to respond she will, so feel in agreement with you on that.

     “but I know it if were me I would feel jerked around and like someone is constantly trying to rub my crap in my face. Maybe I am projecting. I can see how my words can rub people the wrong way.”

     She isn’t you. She’s Turquoise with her own unique feelings and thoughts.

     I feel unsure/confused about what you mean about by “if were me I would feel jerked around and like someone is constantly trying to rub my crap in my face.”

     Do you mean in I was addressing you?
     Or if you were Turquoise?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:05am

786. 786: Mel says:

     Oh, but Linda….

     Many times I have discovered that the reason he was out of contact had absolutely nothing to do with him not WANTING to….

     Often I found out that his internet was down/patchy, or that he had a crazy hectic day, or that he was called away, or that he fell asleep….

     And I didn’t need to say anything. He’d be in contact again on his own, and the first thing he’d say is “sorry for being out of contact…. XYZ happened….”

     This didn’t happen too often, and he was MOSTLY consistent, so it never bothered me too much when there was a bit of radio silence.

     Now, rather than wonder and worry, I just make up a good story. It’s more likely true than not anyways.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:08am

787. 787: Tam says:

     773 – agree with FW there.
     In fact, I feel such a negative vibe from Annie’s posts in general, concerning men, always expecting the worst, interpreting everything negatively somehow, and encouraging women to walk away etc.
     I am not sure why it triggers me so much but it feels so ouch, like the men are always the bad guys, doing something wrong, like they can’t win.
     I want to change that belief and not see it reconfirmed here.
     Maybe I have the same beliefs deep down and maybe that is why I am dissecting Curly like that?
     I don’t know.
     It just feels bad to read negative and judgmental stuff all the time, disguised behind a voice to empower the woman to feel her feelings (and run away from the imperfect man to the perfect man that doesn’t exist..). Rather than giving a man the time of day. A living breathing man with faults like we have them. So he smokes, so he talks bad about the ex, so he is hiding stuff (like in my case).
     All red flags maybe and yet maybe he has other qualities that make up for them. Who knows?
     In dubio pro reo – if you haven’t got full evidence, why convict the defendant. Are men the defendants?

     Maybe my trigger.
     Maybe that was me and Curly’s situation…maybe I see him as the defendant. He has to ‘prove’ himself.
     It’s a little strange that I should feel that, when it is only me who has to feel comfortable with what he has to offer.
     No idea.
     I just wonder if it might be more conducive actually expecting the best and giving another human being the time of day….
     So I shall take heed of my own words and go ahead and do just that!!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:13am

788. 788: Annie says:

     Daria 717.

     “Wow this really reminds me of my parents.”

     Old trauma Daria. Way to go.
     You are healing.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:14am

789. 789: Annie says:

     783.

     You don’t say Tam.
     I feel completely unsuprised by that hey ho!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:15am

790. 790: Annie says:

     Tam my final words to Turquoise.

     “If you are happy with him great and feel good in his presence and are healing together great. None of what I say matters if you are supposed to be together and take this journey together.
     We attract and are attracted to where we are at. That is the law of attraction. X ”

     But if you think that they were negative and encouraging her to run away who am I to argue? That is what you believe.

     I on the other hand believe I was encouraging her to TRUST herself and stay if she felt good in this mans presence and heal together with him.

     So it feels best to agree to disagree and not argue or engage with you anymore on this.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:23am

791. 791: Tam says:

     I want to make a concerted effort to concentrate on the positive things about a man and not searching for faults.
     I want to see how that would feel to me, and also to him.
     When I was trying to explain to Curly yesterday what makes me feel strange, he said ‘I guess you see me as a risk’.
     Yes, I see him as a risk as I am feeling scared to get my heart broken, and he caught onto it.
     Maybe if I saw him as an opportunity rather than a risk, I could actually feel more relaxed.
     Let’s see if I can.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:23am

792. 792: Tam says:

     784, no Annie, I said in general your posts feel very negative..about dating and men in general.
     My feelings.
     Remember what you say?
     Everybody’s feelings belong to them and are not wrong.
     I totally agree with you on that.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:24am

793. 793: Annie says:

     765: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

     Do You Feel A Mini-Orgasm With Every Breath?

     I love this FM Ty for the link.

     And yes I do and it feels awesome.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:25am

794. 794: Linda says:

     722… MEL and Calypso, FW Thanks for you comments

     I am simply wondering if that is a limiting belief. It does feel negative and gives me that “i am not desireable or important” feeling. It is a kin to “If a man is not in front of you then he is not real” too.

     I know there are lots of scenerios. I am NOT trying to figure out the “why” of it . I know that is his head. I also am quite easily navigating thru and keeping my focus on ME and what i want and dont want. I dont like the feeling of being tested either… like FW said and I have definately encountered that too.

     I am feeling like it is a limiting belief that I have adopted from the ROri’s material.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:26am

795. 795: Femininewoman says:

     In dubio pro reo – if you haven’t got full evidence, why convict the defendant.

     Yep. I believe in “innocent until proven guilty”. Give the man time and space to show who he is.

     “None of what I say matters if you are supposed to be together and take this journey together.
     We attract and are attracted to where we are at. That is the law of attraction.” These kind of things feels so push back and disconnecting I believe it belongs in a place where there are debates.

     Sharing feelings feel more natural and inviting than telling people facts from the headspace.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:28am

796. 796: Femininewoman says:

     “We attract and are attracted to where we are at.”

     This feels like a sentence, on the individual, being handed down by the executioner.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:30am

797. 797: Femininewoman says:

     RE 785 – Yayy Tam. What we focus on grows.

     See every door that opens as one that is presenting opportunities and advantage. One of my mantra is “the positive advantage is mine”.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:32am

798. 798: Femininewoman says:

     I on the other hand believe I was encouraging her -

     We are truly communicating when the sender and the receiver interprets the message in the same way.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:35am

799. 799: Annie says:

     Tam I feel extremely psychologically attacked by your judgmental thoughts not feelings directed towards me often.

     That feels harmful to me, so it really does feel best from now on to just not engage with you when this happens and attacking judgmental thoughts come at me from you. As I do not want to willfully choose to harm myself.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:36am

800. 800: Starla says:

     Last night I had a panicky moment. I started thinking about how I took QZ back so easily when he was expecting a lot of resistance from me, and how that could make him see me as low value.

     then i realized that he can take that two ways: he can take it with suspicion (“uhh what is wrong with this girl that she will so easily forgive a man who was very rude to her”) OR he can take it feeling like the luckiest man alive (“wow i am so lucky that Starla really wants to give me another chance and didn’t punish me with resentment and grudges”).

     What makes the difference will certainly be how into my own life i am and how well i take care of myself. Degree of difficulty isn’t about how hard i make it for a man to ‘get’ me, but about having such an engaging and satisfying life that he can never ‘slack off’ if he wants to remain compelling to me.

     when i feel anxious, i seem to get through it pretty quick these days. everything seems to be about perspective:)

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:36am

801. 801: Lori says:

     So I’m home girls. He didn’t make it last night nor this morning. He called me on my way to meet with my friends and said he try this morning. He’s got that virus and didn’t wake up in time. He tried to call me on my way, I let it go to voicemail. I know he’s sick but I just didn’t want to talk to him. He then sent me a text. I responded about 10 min later with “I’m sorry you’re sick, feel better”. He responded with “I appreciate that. I don’t know what I’ve got but it’s bad”. I slipped up and said he should probably go to the doctor. I realized afterwards that I was telling him what to do. He said he would call me later but I really just don’t feel like talking to him.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:36am

802. 802: Annie says:

     I don’t want to tolerate treating myself like that so I will go and now treat myself beautifully.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:37am

803. 803: Annie says:

     FW,

     FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

     “We attract and are attracted to where we are at.”

     “This feels like a sentence, on the individual, being handed down by the executioner.”

     What is the feeling?

     I see no feeling written down here.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:39am

804. 804: Femininewoman says:

     Even better if he starts healing his core wounds that lie beneath the smoking.

     There is an innocuous assumption here that he has wounds. Also a kinda “better than” vibe.

     People choose what they choose because that is what they want. For all we know he is smoking as part of his play or maybe out of boredom. It feels bad to come for the place of assuming that someone has “core wounds”.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:41am

805. 805: Femininewoman says:

     Lori my mind was wondering about you this morning.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:43am

806. 806: Starla says:

     778: Femininewoman:

     Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call to see how you will respond.

     I’ve experienced them doing this after sex (the first time, or if it’s sporadic, every time) basically without exception, lol. i don’t know if they consciously do it, but they expect us to go all nuts and clingy after sex, and they go radio silent for a bit. or if they don’t go silent, they don’t rush to make plans.

     the best thing to do is to just wait them out lol.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:44am

807. 807: Tam says:

     790 FW, moreover, the law of attraction doesn’t always work….I have in times of confusion attracted very ‘together’ men.
     Kids get cancer.
     etc etc etc
     Whilst I realise that positive thoughts certainly bring positive things, we can’t simplify it like that.
     ‘If we are perfect the perfect man will appear’
     La la land.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:44am

808. 808: Femininewoman says:

     I feel extremely psychologically attacked by your judgmental thoughts – here goes the executioner’s hammer again.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:44am

809. 809: Lori says:

     Good morning FW, I feel distant from him. I don’t feel like I matter. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but actions speak louder than words.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:45am

810. 810: Sassy says:

     DIANE ACKERMAN March 24, 2012, 4:28 pm163 Comments
     The Brain on Love
     By DIANE ACKERMAN

     Diane Ackerman on the natural world, the world of human endeavor and connections between the two.
     TAGS:

     LOVE, MARRIAGE, STRESS
     A RELATIVELY new field, called interpersonal neurobiology, draws its vigor from one of the great discoveries of our era: that the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on daily life. In the end, what we pay the most attention to defines us. How you choose to spend the irreplaceable hours of your life literally transforms you.

     All relationships change the brain — but most important are the intimate bonds that foster or fail us, altering the delicate circuits that shape memories, emotions and that ultimate souvenir, the self.

     Every great love affair begins with a scream. At birth, the brain starts blazing new neural pathways based on its odyssey in an alien world. An infant is steeped in bright, buzzing, bristling sensations, raw emotions and the curious feelings they unleash, weird objects, a flux of faces, shadowy images and dreams — but most of all a powerfully magnetic primary caregiver whose wizardry astounds.

     Olimpia Zagnoli
     Brain scans show synchrony between the brains of mother and child; but what they can’t show is the internal bond that belongs to neither alone, a fusion in which the self feels so permeable it doesn’t matter whose body is whose. Wordlessly, relying on the heart’s semaphores, the mother says all an infant needs to hear, communicating through eyes, face and voice. Thanks to advances in neuroimaging, we now have evidence that a baby’s first attachments imprint its brain. The patterns of a lifetime’s behaviors, thoughts, self-regard and choice of sweethearts all begin in this crucible.

     We used to think this was the end of the story: first heredity, then the brain’s engraving mental maps in childhood, after which you’re pretty much stuck with the final blueprint.

     But as a wealth of imaging studies highlight, the neural alchemy continues throughout life as we mature and forge friendships, dabble in affairs, succumb to romantic love, choose a soul mate. The body remembers how that oneness with Mother felt, and longs for its adult equivalent.

     As the most social apes, we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships. Daniel J. Siegel and Allan N. Schore, colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, recently discussed groundbreaking work in the field at a conference on the school’s campus. It’s not that caregiving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows. Dr. Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist, refers to the indelible sense of “feeling felt” that we learn as infants and seek in romantic love, a reciprocity that remodels the brain’s architecture and functions.

     Does it also promote physical well-being? “Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,” Dr. Siegel says, “point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.”

     The supportive part is crucial. Loving relationships alter the brain the most significantly.

     Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others (good or bad); tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain.

     When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths. The brain knows who we are. The immune system knows who we’re not, and it stores pieces of invaders as memory aids. Through lovemaking, or when we pass along a flu or a cold sore, we trade bits of identity with loved ones, and in time we become a sort of chimera. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.

     Love is the best school, but the tuition is high and the homework can be painful. As imaging studies by the U.C.L.A. neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger show, the same areas of the brain that register physical pain are active when someone feels socially rejected. That’s why being spurned by a lover hurts all over the body, but in no place you can point to. Or rather, you’d need to point to the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in the brain, the front of a collar wrapped around the corpus callosum, the bundle of nerve fibers zinging messages between the hemispheres that register both rejection and physical assault.

     Whether they speak Armenian or Mandarin, people around the world use the same images of physical pain to describe a broken heart, which they perceive as crushing and crippling. It’s not just a metaphor for an emotional punch. Social pain can trigger the same sort of distress as a stomachache or a broken bone.

     But a loving touch is enough to change everything. James Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy, committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before, and pain level during, the shocks.

     Then they were shocked again, this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships, this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

     However, it’s not all sub rosa. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them. Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness.

     While they were both in the psychology department of Stony Brook University, Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron scanned the brains of long-married couples who described themselves as still “madly in love.” Staring at a picture of a spouse lit up their reward centers as expected; the same happened with those newly in love (and also with cocaine users). But, in contrast to new sweethearts and cocaine addicts, long-married couples displayed calm in sites associated with fear and anxiety. Also, in the opiate-rich sites linked to pleasure and pain relief, and those affiliated with maternal love, the home fires glowed brightly.

     A happy marriage relieves stress and makes one feel as safe as an adored baby. Small wonder “Baby” is a favorite adult endearment. Not that romantic love is an exact copy of the infant bond. One needn’t consciously regard a lover as momlike to profit from the parallels. The body remembers, the brain recycles and restages.

     So how does this play out beyond the lab? I saw the healing process up close after my 74-year-old husband, who is also a writer, suffered a left-hemisphere stroke that wiped out a lifetime of language. All he could utter was “mem.” Mourning the loss of our duet of decades, I began exploring new ways to communicate, through caring gestures, pantomime, facial expressions, humor, play, empathy and tons of affection — the brain’s epitome of a safe attachment. That, plus the admittedly eccentric home schooling I provided, and his diligent practice, helped rewire his brain to a startling degree, and in time we were able to talk again, he returned to writing books, and even his vision improved. The brain changes with experience throughout our lives; it’s in loving relationships of all sorts — partners, children, close friends — that brain and body really thrive.

     During idylls of safety, when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust, it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that, given how vulnerable one then is, love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:46am

811. 811: Annie says:

     FW,

     Pema Chodren

     “Nothing goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”

     Hence the law of the universe and attraction.
     We are attract and are attracted to where we are at and what we need to learn. X

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:46am

812. 812: Femininewoman says:

     Tam I choose to believe that we really don’t “know” how our hearts, minds and body work so I just choose to experiment and make moment by moment choices. I also choose to believe even though sometimes things don’t make sense.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:47am

813. 813: Femininewoman says:

     Annie I notice my mind wondering about what you are attracting?

     “We are attract and are attracted to where we are at and what we need to learn”

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:48am

814. 814: Starla says:

     this sucks, quit fighting, it’s stupid.

     ^ I don’t know what to do with that to ‘communicate’ it better. but it’s what i want to say.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:49am

815. 815: Tam says:

     Annie:

     ‘Tam I feel extremely psychologically attacked by your judgmental thoughts not feelings directed towards me often.’

     If you tell me one judgmental thought I unleashed on you, I might be able to answer to that.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:49am

816. 816: Femininewoman says:

     “We are attract and are attracted to where we are at and what we need to learn”

     As far as I am concerned this is another surgical saying/belief espoused by someone that I can choose to or not to believe. I can see how I can use it to lock myself in a tower to keep me safe from the world. And men.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:50am

817. 817: Sassy says:

     Feedback ladies on the above article?
     I’m trying to study more about our love imprints, attraction, reactions to our partners actions and vice versa

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:51am

818. 818: Femininewoman says:

     Thanks Starla I am not fighting.

     As far as I am concerned I am looking at how we all live in different worlds. How we experience words differently. And how we can be so in our cocoons it does not occur to us that other people’s experience of us matters.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:52am

819. 819: Annie says:

     I believe it is more so if we are wounded we attract the wounded.

     And if we are whole and healed we attract and are attracted to that.

     And even if we are not fully healed and attract a man who is not fully healed we can heal together if we feel good in each others presence.

     Most cancer I believe is activated by the crap we put in and on our bodies from processed food and chemicals.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:52am

820. 820: Starla says:

     other things i feel like mentioning:

     i started writing down all the cute/sweet little ideas i get for things to do with/for QZ. This way I can put that energy somewhere, AND have a sweet bank of ideas to draw from at the APPROPRIATE time

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:53am

821. 821: Femininewoman says:

     Starla because of some things I have learned here I have asked people and I pay attention when they tell me how they experience me. I might not comment but I listen and turn it over internally. So I can decide if I want to re-present myself.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:54am

822. 822: Annie says:

     Ty Starla.
     I Do not want to fight or argue.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:54am

823. 823: Lori says:

     Hi FW and Starla, would you please see my last comment. I would appreciate your input.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:55am

824. 824: Starla says:

     FW honestly to me it just looks like pointless arguing for the sake of proving a point/being right.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:56am

825. 825: Annie says:

     In real Life FW I am generally attracting better treatment as I now treat myself better.
     And I attract and am attracted to people who make me feel good.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:57am

826. 826: Starla says:

     i’m not sure there’s anything wrong with fighting, really.

     that’s just my reaction: “stop it!”

     hmm

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:57am

827. 827: Annie says:

     Looks interesting sassy, I feel curious to read it.
     Will read later. Ty

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:58am

828. 828: Starla says:

     lori, you did great babe!!! who cares if u told him to go to the doctor. it’s not a huge deal. you can just mental note for next time to resist the urge to fill the space with ‘innocent’ advice.

     lean back, cd, live your life, and give him a couple of weeks to contact you.

     are you cd’ing? do you have a dating profile up online?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 8:59am

829. 829: Annie says:

     Lol Starla. Feel amused.
     The film Fightclub popped in my head then.
     love that film

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:00am

830. 830: Lori says:

     Thanks Starla, I’m cding with my male friends, practicing on them. lol. They are more than willing. Had a blast with two of them last night.

     I mailed the blanket I made to him. I expect he will call me later today and then probably when he gets the package. I’m really don’t feel like talking to him if he calls today. I feel closed off.

     Not sure how to handle this as I want to be “safe and stable” to him. But, I also feel like he is used to me being there. He doesn’t make much of an effort for me and I’m pretty sick of it. He doesn’t want a relationship, he can’t expect me to be as available as I was. I doubt if he’s ever had to work for a woman in his life.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:03am

831. 831: Femininewoman says:

     It does Lori and you are giving him the space to show you who he is. You can talk to yourself about those feelings in the meantime. One good thing I notice with him is that he seems consistent with his words and actions around calls.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:04am

832. 832: Starla says:

     “One good thing I notice with him is that he seems consistent with his words and actions around calls.”

     that’s awesome!! some women consider this pretty hard to come by in a man!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:07am

833. 833: Femininewoman says:

     Maybe Starla. I do believe Turquoise has come a long way and my focus is to celebrate that.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:07am

834. 834: Lori says:

     That’s true FW. If he says he will call, he does. If he can’t reach me on the phone, he sends me a text.

     Do I answer today or not? I don’t want to really. I’m not angry, I just feel like I’m doing all the work. I know he’s overworked, stressed and sick but he is doing this to himself. Not feeling very nurturing right now. lol

     I deserve to be treated better and to have some effort made for me. It’s great that he calls when he says he will but how hard is it to pick up the phone or send a text? It’s time and doing things for me that I want to see. Effort.

     Do I have to slowly disappear to where he feels like he’s losing me before he realizes what he has in me?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:09am

835. 835: Indigo says:

     Linda

     I have always instinctively disliked the often espoused truism that if he’s not contacting you, it’s because he didn’t want to. Yet I could never argue with it, it was perfectly logical. Yet THIS is what felt bad about it – it was logical and not heart-based thinking. It felt bad because it felt like it was encouraging me to resign myself to the fact that he was rejecting me. ICK.

     Reading Dominique’s article about how men communicate really opened my eyes like nothing else. It completely shifted my perspective. Especially the idea that they don’t need to be in constant contact like we do, and that they can be loving on us, missing us and thinking about us even without contact. Also that they can be in a different “zone”, a work zone or a something-else zone.

     Nowadays, when I don’t hear from a man, I don’t make it about me at all. I actually fill the air and the silence with good and loving vibes. It feels so much better. In my case, D always, always gets in touch in his own time. I feel men usually do.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:13am

836. 836: Annie says:

     FW.

     800: Femininewoman

     Even better if he starts healing his core wounds that lie beneath the smoking.

     “There is an innocuous assumption here that he has wounds. Also a kinda “better than” vibe.

     People choose what they choose because that is what they want. For all we know he is smoking as part of his play or maybe out of boredom. It feels bad to come for the place of assuming that someone has “core wounds”.”

     FW anyone who needs a nicotine patch to stop smoking is an addict. If they could just take it or leave it they wouldn’t need a nicotine patch. It is what it is.

     Same with Alcohol, some people can take or or leave it.
     Same with a flutter on grand national etc..

     Anyone who has an addiction is using their addiction to numb something out hence they are emotionally wounded in some way and are not yet taking full adult responsibility for their own emotions.

     It is what it is.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:13am

837. 837: Annie says:

     If you want to disagree and argue that is your choice, I am leaving it there though so you will be arguing on your own as I do not want to argue.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:15am

838. 838: ruth says:

     FW My man loves to talk and talk, actually
     

     Shar, I have always run in saucony grid hurricanes
     I was quite a bit lareger when I first started and over pronated qutie badly
     I dont need so much motion control now , but after 225 maarthons in this shoe type i dont want to change
     I get 500 miles out of a pair of shoes, go through about 4-5 pairs a year and always have 4 pairs on the go as I rotate them

     runners can get “slightly obsessive” about numbers LOL

     Off to get my hair done
     

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:15am

839. 839: Starla says:

     “Do I answer today or not? I don’t want to really. I’m not angry, I just feel like I’m doing all the work.”

     yes, because when he does the WORK of initiating contact, you want to say ‘yes’ to it. and the way you say yes is by being accessible.

     this is different from being available.

     i know you feel like you’re doing all the work here, that you want this more than he does, etc., and Rori says in a couple of her programs that the worst thing we can do is act all pissed for this when they do finally start to do their part. asking them what took them so damn long, or suggesting to them that it’s not enough, isn’t going to encourage them to keep going.

     does that make sense?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:16am

840. 840: Femininewoman says:

     What work Lori?

     What work did he ask you to do?

     So maybe your love language is quality time and acts of service. Maybe his is/are words of affirmation.

     Do you believe he owes you something?

     If he is “stressed and sick” would his making “some effort” rise to your standards of ” want to see. Effort”? Would it be enough?

     “I know he’s overworked, stressed and sick but he is doing this to himself.” OUCH!!! Do you want to ‘fix’ him? Do you think you would do a better job at being a man than him?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:16am

841. 841: Indigo says:

     Lori,

     Maybe you should go with your gut if you don’t feel like talking to him?

     No doubt there will come a time when you do feel like talking to him.

     I think the way you are feeling is very natural and perhaps you just need time to be with your feelings for a bit.

     xx

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:17am

842. 842: Femininewoman says:

     RE 832 – Yep. You want to reward and reinforce good behavior.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:17am

843. 843: Starla says:

     lori i know you were overfunctioning so you’re still just in that space of resentment. if you can forgive yourself for overfunctioning, instead of still holding him responsible in your head, you might feel a shift.

     clean slates are magic.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:20am

844. 844: Starla says:

     la la la love to me love to me forgiveness to me forgiveness to me.

     i sing this in my head whenever i can remember!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:24am

845. 845: Lori says:

     Thanks ladies, you are all correct and I will work on changing my vibe. That he’s calling and staying in contact is important.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:34am

846. 846: Annie says:

     Tamsays:

     “784, no Annie, I said in general your posts feel very negative..about dating and men in general.
     My feelings.
     Remember what you say?
     Everybody’s feelings belong to them and are not wrong.
     I totally agree with you on that.”

     Tam they are judgments about your thoughts on my posts about me not your feelings.

     You think my posts are negative about men and dating.
     If you didn’t actually express what YOU felt.
     A subtle bit important difference.

     If you think my posts are negative about men and dating that is what you think. Your thoughts are nothing to do with me. Think what you like. I am sure you some of my posts will be negative about dating men who are ‘toxic’ or have toxix dealbraking qualities. yayyyy I love my negative feelings they balance me and make me whole I love all of me. yay for my negative feelings about some things. I am supposed to have some negative feelings, if I wasn’t they would not exist. They are not wrong they are perfect they make me whole. They are here to guide me, not to be ignored.I trust and love my negative feelings as much as I trust and love my positive ones.
     I didn’t actually read how you felt and what my posts triggered in you. Only read judgmental thoughts, which felt bad at the time but now after processing don’t much care about what you think of my posts.

     I feel happy to date men who feel good to me to date.
     And refuse ones that feel bad.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:40am

847. 847: Lori says:

     okay, thoughts girls!! He knew I had brought his blanket last night but he was too sick to go out. He texted me a bit ago. I texted him back telling him I boxed it up and mailed it out this morning when I got back. He texted me back “XO”. I haven’t responded. I have no clue if I should or how. Maybe just a smiley face?

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:43am

848. 848: Dancing Siren says:

     So, he came over this afternoon…

     And asked me to marry him!

     

     He didn’t have ring yet so he had made me one. He plans to get one within the next 2-3 weeks.

     So I said yes.

     I feel really happy.

     He wants to be married as soon as possible. As soon as money will allow, but certainly within a year or two. Less if possible.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:44am

849. 849: Annie says:

     Feeling happy and calm.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:45am

850. 850: Dancing Siren says:

     He put the ring on the dog’s collar and asked me to undo his lead, and the ring fell off, which was funny!

     We may have an official asking with the real ring too, but he says it’s for real and the stand in ring is a physical symbol of that.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:46am

851. 851: Starla says:

     lori you don’t have to respond to something like that if you don’t want. a smiley face sounds perfect.

     you’re doing great!!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:46am

852. 852: Starla says:

     yay dancing siren!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:48am

853. 853: Dancing Siren says:

     Yay Starla!

     

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:49am

854. 854: Lori says:

     so happy for you girls!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:51am

855. 855: Sassy says:

     Dancing siren,

     Wooooohoooooo! Happy happy for you

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:54am

856. 856: Calypso says:

     Crazy thing just happened – I ran in the drug store on my lunch break and when i walked in, there was a guy walking toward the photo center who looked so much like GM that I actually stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him – My heart went up into my throat and I could not breathe. I just stared at him and he gave me a funny look, like, “Do i know you?” and it wasn’t GM, but I could not shake the feeling that it somehow “was” . . . I know he must think I’m a complete freak – he caught me starring at him several more times and I know I had a shocked look on my face – like I was seeing a ghost! I had the strongest compulsion to go smell him – lol – GM had such a great smell – no cologn, just all man and I wanted to know if this ghost would smell the same.
     I’m back at work now and my hands are still shaking. WTH???

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:57am

857. 857: Iamabutterfly says:

     @794 Starla – I LOVE this.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 9:59am

858. 858: Annie says:

     “I feel happy to date men who feel good to me to date.
     And refuse ones that feel bad.”

     Also feel more than happy to encourage other woman to reconnect with their higher selves and gut instinct and do the same.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 10:01am

859. 859: Starla says:

     oh wow

     i felt bummed/confused that the reporter from the national magazine never contacted me for the phone interview

     but now she says she’s hoping to just fly out here and do face to face! how fun!

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 10:02am

860. 860: Starla says:

     i want to share the good news with QZ but i feel weird doing that for some reason. maybe i should wait until it’s set in stone:)

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 10:02am

861. 861: Annie says:

     Feel pleased for your happy news Dancing Siren.

     Wednesday, 9 January 2013 @ 10:03am

862. 862: