“Rori, I just finished the targeting Mr. Right series. And in the series you said you’d go over how to talk about STDs and herpes, and you also mentioned you’d talk about why not to give a man a blow job. I couldn’t find the answers to those questions in Targeting Mr. Right – is there another place I can find them?”
I don’t know exactly where I answered these questions – in Targeting Mr. Right or my other programs, so I’ll just answer it here, and then include it in the written material available with Targeting Mr. Right! So here’s some great information on BOTH topics.
First – the Herpes/STD issue:
These are two great answers I found online. I especially like this one from a man – Evan Marc Katz:
And this one is great – from a Medical Specialist at the National Herpes Hotline (the article covers a lot of things that need to be talked about with a man – so I’ve copied and pasted the relevant herpes section below – http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/
Here’s the part about herpes:
How to break the news to a date
When to tell: Since herpes could affect the health of your partner, it’s crucial that you tell him before you’ve had any genital-to-genital or oral-genital contact (even with condoms, since there’s still a slight chance of transmission), says Brennan Ames-Phares, a health communication specialist at the National Herpes Hotline. But that said, many herpes sufferers opt to tell dates right away.
Ames-Phares advises against the first-date confessional: “There’s no need for him to know unless there’s a risk of exposure,” she says. Waiting allows you to build more of a connection, so you won’t be rejected right away.
What to say: Instead of just blurting out “I have herpes,” Ames-Phares recommends saying, “I really like you and would like to take this further, but before we do so I’d like to talk about our sexual histories.” Ask your date if he or she has ever been tested for AIDS or STDs, and if not, encourage him or her to do so. (Case in point: 90 percent of people with herpes are unaware they have it.)
This approach shows that you’re serious about your health — and your date’s — which will soften the blow when you say, “As for me, ten years ago I was diagnosed with herpes.”
Your date may be a little scared when he hears this, but explaining how you felt when you found out you had it and how you’ve dealt with it since will help him better relate to what you’re going through and see how well you’re managing your health.
How to deal if your date freaks: Allay your date’s fears by keeping these comforting facts on hand: Herpes is highly treatable. “Herpes today is much more manageable than having it 20 years ago,” says Ames-Phares. Thanks to new medications, outbreaks can occur infrequently and less severely.
More good news: Recent studies have shown low transmission rates among couples in which one partner has herpes—less than 2 percent if condoms are used at least half of the time. Encourage your date to call the National Herpes Hotline at 919-361-8488 for more information.
About the blow job:
Moving toward sex has to be a process.
Even if it’s a fast-moving, first night, eyes-locked, passionate, intense sexual experience – it’s got to be a process. Sucking a man’s penis is part of that process – and I recommend it always, just as his pleasing you with oral sex would be part of that process.
But giving a man a blow job while you stay untouched is something else entirely.
It’s equatable with “servicing” – and though it’s an AMAZING thing to do when you’re in a relationship with someone, and for those occasions when you’re perhaps not “so in the mood for sex” yourself – giving blow jobs “instead” of entering into the full process of sex is going to absolutely be leaning forward, working to please him, and become one of those things that make you unattractive as a life partner for the long haul.
Am I saying that you shouldn’t have oral sex – first he takes care of you, then you take care of him – as a step in the sexual process before intercourse?
Perhaps in some circumstances (no birth control available, you have vaginal pain that needs addressing) that would be fine…but it’s an odd first step.
It’s more erotic than it is emotionally connecting – so it should be, for me, a VARIATION in the process of becoming sexually attuned to one another.
Sometimes it’s more convenient. Sometimes it’s more efficient physically and time-wise. Sometimes it’s way more erotic than intercourse – you can often get in more exotic positions – and so it can be a great part of the sexual exploration you go on together.
Sometimes it’s just “easier.”
As a first step – for me, it sets a “tone” that is hard to overcome.
Men are so used to porn these days – to disconnected sex with images and body parts that do not include a whole, real woman.
Your goal is to be that whole, real woman, and to have a relationship with a man who SEES you and EXPERIENCES you as whole and real. Who WANTS to connect with all of you – not just your parts.