And you don’t know how to behave?
Here’s a situation from Helene I think is pretty universal – especially if you live in a small town where everyone hangs out together and seems to know everyone else:
“Hi Rori: My name is Helene, and I am single again after 12 years….I was driving around one day – feeling sorry for myself and decided to stop by where my girlfriend works ( a bar )…I got introduced to the guy standing beside me…and wow we talked and talked but most of all we both laughed – time flew by poof it was midnight …saw him the next day – same place – and once again laughed and laughed – he’s fun…I play in a pool league…he needed another player for his league so I gave him my number…
Following night he showed up again where I play…we talked and laughed again…( I sucked at pool tho – too nervous…lol) He asked where I play the next week but declined on coming to watch cuz it’s way across town…anyway I am just about to start playing – I look up and there he is…wow…he came to watch again…next day I am meeting my friend and he’s there again too…!
Then in walks my EX…we had quiet words – the ex and I – and then he left….New guy says – “Life is weird eh Helene?” I just say-“Yes it sure is…” my friend arrives and then we leave…
I don’t want to come off as a needy girl as that is so not me. ( I am independent – own my own home for 21 years and raised my daughter on my own) He has my # and asked about 4 times – “So this is your # for pool?”
Why did i say “Yes” and not something like “Use it to call for a date” or something??? He seems interested – my friend says I send him just as many mixed signals as he does me….Tonight is pool league and we are partners…any suggestions – don’t want games….and mostly don’t want a guy that hangs out in a bar…What can I do ? Ignore him?? HELP – Sincerely, Helene”
Here’s my answer, and I’ll make it for everyone:
There’s “independent,” and then there’s “closed-off.”
There’s “mixed signals” and then there’s “I’m not interested.”
There’s “needy” and then there’s “flirty.”
It’s not all about the words you say – in fact it’s hardly EVER about words. It’s about a vibe. And the vibe has to be: “I’m open to you.”
Okay – so much for Helene’s part in this.
Now – what about the guy? Does she know a single thing about him except that he’s fun and can’t seem to get the words together to ask for a date? Does she know that he’s a guy who “hangs out in a bar?” Is he shy and clueless, or is he difficult, non-sexual, married and/or Toxic?
He keeps showing up, so it’s a no-brainer that he’s interested in her.
So – the question is not “Do I ignore him?” but “Am I willing to find out who he is and how I feel being around him?” So far, Helene doesn’t have any feelings to go on, except “fun” (which sure isn’t bad). So, what can she do?
How about ASK? Like this:
“You know, I feel really awkward about this, and I’ve noticed you showing up when I’m here, are you married? Is there something I should know about you that would keep me from accepting a date with you?”
This is not meant to be cute, or clever or flirty. It’s meant to be straightforward, open, honest, true, sweet, vulnerable and very brave.
And when you do this, you become – Yes – devastatingly attractive, which is back to Helene’s original issue – does she really WANT to be devastatingly attractive to this man.
And my answer is – YES, you ALWAYS want to be devastatingly attractive. Much better to break a million hearts of a million men then suffer through breaking your own heart because you’re afraid to be attractive.
I know – who might I attract? is kind of scary. Especially if you tend to attract men who mean you know good.
The best way to meet and love and be loved by a great man is to have tons of choices, to feel great, and love yourself.
And the way you do it is stay OPEN.