Comments on: Should You Interview A Man To Find Out What Happened?

By: alias girl

alias girl — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:38:12 +0000

thank you gina and daria for sharing your experiences in these last two posts. i feel really helped by reading them. i feel grateful.

By: Daria

Daria — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 08:03:35 +0000

Thank you Gina. Your comment was very enlightening. I really see what you meant about carrying that comment with you and feeling inadequate. I am glad to say that I feel I have recently made some breakthroughs from where I felt like I had plateaud with the feeling message honesty. I too am seeing the “red flags” instead of taking the blame, although I still feel triggered and sometimes feel like making it easier for him, or making myself less important, or whatever… I am really glad to see what you said about the familiar and wrong thing.

I too have been in an abusive relationship before and I also feel strong and independent.

My progress:

ex making me wait and me feeling second best… me text: I don’t want to wait, I’m starting to feel bad…(leave and go to store). happens again… repeat… me: I’m starting to feel bad I don’t want to stay here… (actually go home). at the same time feeling no blame just noticing his behavior as not what I want

today: him: why’d you leave me last nite me: I’m feeling weird… I feel confused… I’m feeling unimportant and second place and I dont’ like feeling liek that… It’s important for me to feel like a priority with a man, and I do feel really good when you call me, but most of the time I’m not feeling like a priority when I’m with you… him: I’ve got something for youuuu… in a cute tone … then I feel good!

Big deal to have this communication for me.

Also with new date… him: do you like all food? I pay for food you get bridge toll Me: I like all foods… I don’t feel good paying or driving on dates… I don’t want to do that I want to meet you though…

feeling completely comfortable!

Instead of saying ok, or ignoring his text, or feeling mad withough saying so… (and therefore not giving him a chance to prove that he CAN come through as a man).

I am getting used to the idea that it is ok… to want to feel pampered and taken care of!… yes… it is not a bad thing, show bad character, or attract wimpy men… it does not turn them off… ( I haven’t lost one yet this way, and if I did I didn’t worry about it, and the ones that did huff and puff are still calling… the only thing is they may not actually have the resources to come through for me).

This is amazing… I don’t have to explain myself by disqualifying myself saying I am spoiled or a princess (in a sarcastic way) or that I know I am asking for a lot. I simply say what I don’t want and what is important to me and leave it up to him to come up with the solution to what he wants to do. (for us).

By: gina

gina — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 06:14:09 +0000

I want to thank Rori a third time for helping me stop doubting myself the other day. One reason I started doubting myself is cause at the end of a previous conversation I had with the guy I met online, I said something encouraging, and he sarcastically said “Momma’s here.” And I felt totally weird about it. I felt super vulnerable and sexy when I said what I did, and his response threw me for a loop. Usually, when I speak to a man from a place deep inside of me, they respond really well – I feel powerful, womanly, nurturing, sensual. His comment made me feel inadequate and stupid. I carried it with me, and actually felt stifled by it for a couple of days. Now, I see his comment as a red flag, and feel almost apologetic to myself for blaming myself. I also consider his subtle disapproval of me dating even though we haven’t met in person, a definite red flag. Although this situation is totally new and subtle, Rori helped me release my doubt and realize that something felt familiar and wrong. I was denying my feelings and judging my behavior rather than trusting my feelings and speaking my truth. I consider myself strong and independent, yet i wound up in an abusive relationship in the past, and I always wondered how. Rori, thank you for shedding light on the precise mindset that facilitated an abusive relationship.

By: Linda G

Linda G — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:11:25 +0000

and, in the interview on Rori’s latest, was it Toxic men, didn’t the speaker say that when a guy puts space, time beteen you, he’s not unavailable, he’s checking someone else out and keeping you on hold? either it’s that, or there’s an epidemic going around, like a personalized (to me) version of the “blue flu”.

By: Linda G

Linda G — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:08:16 +0000

I’m thinking maybe even though things get flirtatious on the phone or email, I am projecting a vibe that is too clingy or has expectations other than a casual date, especially with these guys and I’m truly interested.I just find it easy to be extremely flirtatious before we meet, then feel guilty, like I should really be a good girl and not be easy, and I pull back, get serious (?) such as, I’m hinting I am going to make them wait for sex. I am just all over the place with this stuff. Linda G

By: Linda G

Linda G — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 02:44:25 +0000

It’s the most unbelievable thing. I have been circular dating, recently I met a new crop online. Each of them in turn, after great emails and conversations, contacted me to say they are a. sick with flu, b. going on a business trip, c.having major surgery, so can we put off meeting until later. What am I learning from this, what am I missing? Linda G

By: Mercedes

Mercedes — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:01:53 +0000

Thanks ladies….glad you enjoyed…

By: Micki

Micki — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:34:17 +0000

Damn it!! I just wrote a long rambling comment and my stupid internet kicked me off and trashed it…

Mercedes, I read your story and the rest of your blog…love it! I am looking forward to future entries – please keep writing. What a great relationship you have now…and it was awesome how you learned from your mistakes! Thanks for sharing! I wish I could have that kind of relationship in my own life right now…but I don’t know if I can ever fall in love again.

I love your list of “rules.” (Much better and more realistic than the Rules book, IMO!) One “rule” stood out to me.

You wrote:

“Stop negative words from you man in their tracks…be confident. Did he just say something stupid and hurtful? Make sure he NEVER makes that mistake again. Done correctly, this will have your guy reeling with desire for you…and…he won’t even understand why!”

Maybe if I had had the sense to apply that rule years ago I could have avoided the heartache I have endured for so long. It has taken me too long to get a backbone.

Rori, I love your blog and your emails! Thank you so much for taking time to write and share your wisdom. I want to buy your ebook, and I will when I have the funds, hopefully in the next week or so. I am so anxious to read it!

Tonight, my husband is out of town, the kids are asleep, and I have a bottle of wine…I am going to sit here in the quiet and enjoy reading the blog archives and learning.

By: Micki

Micki — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:30:26 +0000

Thanks for the info Mercedes, I am still interested because I know I can learn from other people’s situations even if they’re different from mine…I’m off to read your blog now!

By: Ann

Ann — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:14:46 +0000

Mercedas, thank you for sharing your blog link. I’ve book marked it(read all the post already lol) plan on checking it as often as my computer will let me.

When my husband and I got together I set 3 deal breaker rules. To my knowledge neither of us has broke them.

I like your “rules” post and already do alot of them myself. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness. And in search of what makes me feel good.

Thanks for sharing your blog.