I am working on practicing the “feeling” statements whenever I can – on the phone, with the checkout guy in the grocery, etc. I have been reading the ebook, and continuing through the classes. I’ve been working on “catching” myself, and consciously relaxing my shoulders, pelvis, etc. And writing things as I can. But I am having trouble with “urgency.”
And I am hoping that the more I practice Circular Dating, the more this will go away…but right now, after that initial contact, I’ve had two days of nothing. So, I’m trying to honor my feeling of disappointment, respect it, and continue to learn…but I am having trouble letting go of the worry that I’ve blown my chance.
I know that I’m not allowed to beat myself up, so I keep trying to catch that worry, respect it, and tell it that I am now in control…I guess I’m looking for some reassurance here, since everyone else I know would think I’m absolutely crazy to even consider anything else with Ron. I know he has difficulty processing emotion – almost like Asperger’s – though I’m not sure about that.
I am trying to be in the present, but I keep having this vision of the small wedding I thought maybe we’d be having this summer…I know, I can’t control it. The more I try to force or control it, the more it will slip through my grasp.
Am I missing something, or do I just keep going on this same path for now? Because I desperately want to call him and share stuff with him…find out about what he’s doing, how his day was, etc. And I know that I have to lean back…for someone who has always taken the bull by the horns, this is really hard.
Barb – This is the point where I don’t want to be telling you what to do.
This is where I want you to start experiencing DOING these Tools, practicing like mad, and learning to trust yourself.
In my view, Ron is irrelevant to the work you’re doing – he’s only there to reflect how your inner work is going.
His being gone could simply mean you don’t need him anymore as a lesson, and his showing up could mean there’s more here to be explored.
I do know this – and it’s the same as every relationship coach in the world, and everything you read will tell you: The “No Contact Rule.”
This basically states that it takes a man about 8 weeks (Dr. Pat Allen started this all many years ago) to MISS you.
And that by reaching out and contacting him, you basically ADD another 8 weeks to the process. Every time you reach out, you start from zero again.
I personally don’t like rules (except my own “Four Rules…”!).
I want you to discover for yourself what works for you. An Asperger’s man (this is at the low end of the Autism spectrum – and is more common than you’d think, especially in men – though it’s not to be confused with a man who’s simply highly sensitive, or prone to shut down emotionally, or has difficulty processing a lot of input at once…so please don’t try to clinically “label” any man you know or meet…) will have even more difficulty than a “regular” man in handling stimulation and input.
He will just shut down. That’s what you’ve noticed. And yet, the other day, as you used the Tools – he talked and talked. And now he’s withdrawn again.
It may be that if you’re not in front of him – he simply “forgets.”
He may simply not be able to have a relationship without a woman pushing it and leading it and making it happen – and then – he can’t stand her pushing and shoving.
You have to decide for yourself what you want to do. There is nothing that says you can’t be the MAN in a relationship, and allow the man to follow you.
The thing is – this one is very tricky, and you need superb skills to know when to lead and when to follow.
It’s going to take time and practice for you to learn these skills out there in the world Circular Dating, flirting, going out with other men, discovering how you operate and what works.
The sense of urgency is the obstacle here – it’s working against you.
Breathing, Circular Dating, expanding your world and the men you engage with, practicing the Tools with everyone will help you practice reducing urgency, because those new experiences will trigger that sense of urgency!
It’s very difficult to learn about ourselves and make shifts and changes in patterns we can’t experience – patterns we’re keeping hidden away.
The work here is to love every discovery, love every step of the way, every part of yourself you open up.
My vote is for you to pick a timeline – 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 weeks – whatever you want, where you will do your best to focus AWAY from him and not contact him.
And then, at the end of that time you’ve set for yourself, you get to revisit, and reconsider what you want to do.
You cannot “wreck” something that is not meant to “be” just by contacting a man.
You can cause yourself way more grief by putting out effort and not getting the result you want.
Best thing is ALWAYS to Circular Date and focus on LEARNING!!