What Does Circular Dating Do For You?

   

Here’s a comment-question from TW, and to show you how fast and amazingly you can catch on to all this and change your life, see how brilliantly here Alias Girl, Daria and JP answered! (You can see all the comments here->)

The question – from TW: “What exactly is circular dating and what purpose does it serve in trying to build a relationship with someone? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one pursuing me and then I saw him out with other females, I would kinda be offended and start dating other people myself because I would feel that he does not care.

Maybe I just do not understand what it is all about and what it is designed to do exactly. Would someone help me get a better understanding? I saw where Rori advised me to do it. I do not feel that anyone is wrong in suggesting it but I am simply saying that I do not understand it and need a little explanation. Please help!!”

Daria replied:

“TW, it does sound a little confusing put that way… I think one of the principles is that men and women are not alike in this respect and that having to win a woman over is what makes a man happy, while a woman should have many to choose from, that is why we are supposed to be the receivers and let him be the giver, instead of a 50/50.

The main point of circular dating, however, is that it is for YOU. It helps you focus on you, raises your self esteem, and even if you feel this is already high, it raises your flirtiness and vibe around men, because you feel easily adored and you feel like you deserve more and more, making it easier for them to go with this vibe and give you more.

The other personal use for it is as therapy. There are many parts of relating to men that we have issues with. We can deal with this safely in circular dating by practicing the tools, so that if we are later in a relationship we won’t freak out and lose the relationship because of our issues.

It sounds weird, and it’s not. I’m doing it and the men are pouring in. It’s mostly a way to get married too… I tell men I don’t want to be a girlfriend I want to be married and am not looking to be a girlfriend unless the relationship is moving that way. Then they start to think of marriage too and like me even more…”

Then JP said:

“Hi TW – I totally agree with Daria. I also know it is uncomfortable to contemplate when you are still attached to a man.

I’d just like to add that there is a route to circular dating which will build your confidence. The underlying point. as Daria says, is to make YOU feel good and have OPTIONS. So you could start by simply NOTICING men around – in the street, at work, in the supermarket etc. Make eye contact, smile, and notice them noticing YOU.

Use the tools on yourself too – the Paint Yourself tool is just great, and there are others such as Out The Window which are all about YOU. You have to TRAIN yourself AWAY from thinking about HIM when he’s not around. It gets easier with practice! Walk yourself THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings that come up if you’re not chasing him down. I know how tempting it is to text or call if he hasn’t, but he has made it clear he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, so you are entitled to see yourself as single.

Next – date YOURSELF. Sounds like you’re already getting out, so maybe try something different on your own. It’s easier for a man to approach you if you’re in a bookshop or an exhibition on your own, and there are other people around so you’ll be safe. You might even have men friends you could meet, even if you don’t see them as prospective husbands you can still have a nice time and feel attractive.

You will feel different, you’ll start enjoying yourself and you’ll be more relaxed when he calls.

I have men friends I have coffee with, or talk to on the phone. I’ve grown fond of them over time and don’t want to lose their friendship even though I’m in a relationship now. I still keep my head up and enjoy flirting.

I hope this helps! JP”

And you can see how it works for Alias Girl here, too - (and, Alias Girl – with your permission I’m going to use your comment in my new Circular Dating program – it was very personal and very powerful, thank you.)

Let me know how Circular Dating is working for you, and if you’re just finding this blog now, you’ll get so much help here – from me and and what is truly a community of ministering angels – and we’re all working the Rori Raye Tools straight to our dreams.

Love, Rori

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Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 1:40pm

44 Comments to “What Does Circular Dating Do For You?”

  1. 1: ErikaNo Gravatar says:

    One of the instructors over at Real Social Dynamics put it brilliantly: “In order to get the one special girl, you need to be able to get all of them.”

    From where I sit (which is having learned all this from both sides of the gender fence), it actually looks like it works very similarly on both sides of the fence.

    Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 7:44pm

  2. 2: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Dating myself is great. It feels good to have an online stable of pretty men who tell me that I’m gorgeous…and I get to decide which ones are good enough to reply to. It felt good to have a lunch date yesterday, and be taken out and treated well and feel energy coming TOWARD me from a man. And it felt good to be asked out again for next week.

    I also feel guilty about all this, though. Guilty about receiving from one man when another one has claimed me–even if he’s trying to unclaim me. Guilty about receiving at all! In my family we’re excellent at feeling guilty about receiving. And I’m too lazy to Riff on the guilt…I’ll do it though.

    Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 11:43pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What to do… this one guy I am dating wants all of my attention… he calls me all the time, does nice things for me… I don’t know what to do… it feels nice to talk to him but I feel a little overwhelmed, we’ve only had 4 dates… I feel worried that he’s trying to get something from me (probably sex)… I feel guilty when he’s disappointed that he can’t see me and I feel mad… he has asked me to be his gf and I gave him the no gf speech… he still wants me and says so and wants me to be his woman… what do I do… I’m guessing I’m going to wind up being mean to him or brushing him off and eventually he’ll stop pursuing me… I don’t feel comfortable with this part of the dating process where the guys are trying to get so close they want all my attention…

    Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 1:09pm

  4. 4: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    l have been reading your blog many times and getting your newsletters and lm being more and more aware and enlighted of how l reflect to life and men now (l havent had much happy experiences with men, lm 33). l just got your next e-letter about Donna which touched me and ld like to ask 2 questions:
    -You said, man actually KNOWS deep inside he has to commit to woman to close down all other options. Which is totally true and l second that 100%. So what makes a man get deeply into relationship to a woman, knowing that he would never truly commit anyway?
    -What if my hate from my past by being exactly on those situations many times, has grown so big that l hardly imagine myself circular dating or letting anyone in. To me men are enemies who want jus to take advantage and hurt me. And l dont know if it ever can be different.
    l know it is very bad place to be, where l am. lm taking slow babysteps, but somehow hating keeps coming back.
    Do l have any hope?

    Maria

    Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 1:11pm

  5. 5: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Maria, you have all the hope in the world. And you are at just the beginning of all this. Please start with my ebook – the eletters are pieces of the puzzle and new Tools – but the ebook is the FOUNDATION for all of it, so you can understand what we’re doing here.

    Getting in touch with your feelings and practicing my Tools in the real world, with real men – no matter HOW you’re feeling, is the way to go. And you need the step-by-step plan that my book and programs will give you. Learn as much as you can here, do the Power & Self-Esteem Tools here, and talk to us all about your progress. Love, Rori

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 12:27pm

  6. 6: JPNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – thank you so much for including my comment in a new post, I feel so honoured! :)

    Reshi – I can relate to your post about guilt in the family. In the culture in which I was raised we were taught it was polite to say ‘no’ if offered anything – if we said ‘yes’ then we would be seen as greedy and coarse. So then we were supposed to go through this ritual of being coaxed (or doing the coaxing, if we were the giver). How crazy is that?! I don’t know if you get Father Ted over there, but if you do, watch Mrs Doyle in action and you’ll see exactly what I mean :)

    JPxx

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 5:06pm

  7. 7: JPNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – I’m intrigued! I’d like to know more about the other side of the fence.

    Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 5:28pm

  8. 8: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Rory. l have another 2 additional questions. The first one is short – where can l get your ebook and what would be the next step program after that?

    My next question has pretty deep roots, and lm not sure it is good place to share it here, then again, maybe there are other women out there who feel the same. Since “teenagerhood” when you first start to attract the opposite sex l felt l was somehow different. When l grow older, l noticed that even if l looked nice in some standards, men seemed not to be attracted to me. Someone “defined” it to me – that l just wasnt born with “attracting opposite sex” gene. l have had all the bad experiences with men. So l started thinking it is me, not them. lm just not enough attractive for no man, how hard l search or try. And it is soo panful being me. Without love.Alone.
    Obviously It isnt good place to be either. So my question is again, do l have hope? Cos right now l dont belive l so. And where do l start to really help myself.
    Thank you, Maria.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 2:07pm

  9. 9: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    hi maria. i think the first book is called the have the relationship you want. then maybe good would be the heart connection toolkit. those would be what i think. also how i think i started. should be able to find them through this website or havetherelationshipyouwant.com itls always a little hard for me to find where to but stuff too. good luck!!!! YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE and you can tunr it around. it’s just a belief system youlve adapted and now continue to tell yourself itLs the truth. it’s not. and often our deep seated beliefs will get Mirrored for us by the world and people around us. still don’t make it the truth. still just your belief system at work. welcome.

    Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 11:57pm

  10. 10: Delaine MooreNo Gravatar says:

    One of the things I’ve learned about myself since I got divorced a year ago is that I tend to see my True Self reflected back to me through the eyes of a man. And I don’t think that Self is self-appreciative and self-aware enough yet.

    Consequently, I vow to myself to keep more than one set of eyes on me at all times *grin. And it’s working! My heart is intact, my confidence is growing, and I’m stepping outside the old identity of who I thought Delaine once was. :)

    Friday, 21 November 2008 @ 10:17pm

  11. 11: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    There is a subtle aspect of dating that is troubling me, that I’m not sure if I can articulate, but here goes…
    I feel super sensitive to the vibe that I get from a guy. Sometimes, the conversation is perfectly cordial, but the guy gives me the creeps, or I can sense that we just are not on the same wavelength, and I get completely turned off. and I really mean “turned off.” I feel like I have an on/off switch, and I’m very particular to which people or situations will turn me on. Other people have noticed that, too. A former boss said I am like “a ferrari that won’t start.” Now that I’ve written that, I interpret my behavior as passive agressive. I wish I could be more in control, cause I feel bad when I’m turned off, but I can’t quite talk myself into being on. I feel scared to allow myself to shine in these situations, I guess, cause I feel too vulnerable . When I’m not interested, do I continue to be in “receive mode?” and continue to express feelings? How do we keep moving forward when we are turned off?

    Friday, 2 January 2009 @ 6:41pm

  12. 12: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – hmmm think I recognise what you’re saying. Feels like your switch switches in a way you’re not comfortable with, like you feel it’s blocking you.

    Dunno if this helps…. but I remember being stunned when an ex said I made him feel insecure. I felt insanely insecure around him!! I felt angry he said that. Recently, the man I’m in a long-term relation ship with now said he’d see my eyes ‘switch off’ and he felt bad – luckily it was an ‘in-the-moment’ comment so I knew exactly when it happened. Clarity! I’d gone into auto-mode, read him as saying we are off (he wasn’t) and felt insecure, shut down. Triggered.

    This was a breakthrough for me, thanks to those guys’ feedback. My unconscious doesn’t have the same power now, I can hear what’s being said without filling up with wasps of fear and ‘switching off’. I must have been doing this for years. I didn’t realise how I came across to them, shutting them out, becoming guarded, losing my natural flow of feeling.

    Saturday, 3 January 2009 @ 12:08am

  13. 13: KeriNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been with this man off and on for over 4 years. He is circular dating but I can’t bring myself to do this. He just came back last july steady and now he must have someone else because he doesn’t come around like he did he says he doesn’t then he list a bunch of girls names. When he asks ?’s I answer them but I can’t bring myself to tell him how I feel and my sister says this is what he is waiting for. We did more in the beginning but now he just comes over we don’t go out anymore. We have a 3 yr old daughter. He wanted to know why I didn’t date why do I always wait for him you love me right etc… I told him I have 2 daughters and I am not going to be bringing different men around. Then he made a comment that I couldn’t get anyone and I told him I have no problem with men approaching me but I chose not to I haven’t found the right one. Another one was he wanted to know why I couldn’t say nice things like this other girl. I told him I learned people compliment you when they want something from you if you would like me to sweet talk you and tell you lies to boost your ego sorry this is not my style. I did notice that when I stopped pursuing him because he moved in with this girl, by the way it didn’t stop his behavior, he was calling me wanting to know why I haven’t called. He was back with me until the girl moved out now I see him 3 days a week which is cutting down. xmas time he came out and told me he loved me he wanted to get married it was time for him to settle down he was tired of his life style and have a family he wants a boy. I was dumbfounded and didn’t really reply to him just let him talk like I usually do. He always told me I was different from the other girls. I do see that he is more open than before but yet he still has the wall. I tell him all the time he got burned by a girl in the past. He said that all his x girlfriends ended up with his friends. I was like what kind of people do you hang out with? This past year I’ve met many more people and his friends try and hit on you. I told him he needed new friends because the ones he has aren’t. He says they just wanted to see what I would do. He went around last year telling people we were getting married and his brother called me and it was news to me. He has always talked about it wanted to know what I wanted and etc. I just told him don’t ask me anymore ?’s until you are serious and produce a ring. I think he is a player. help

    Sunday, 21 June 2009 @ 1:58am

  14. 14: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Keri. A man is not allowed to Circular Date past the time when it feels okay and good to you and still stay in your rotation. There’s no point. You have to see this man because of your child. That’s all. Stay strong. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 23 June 2009 @ 9:47am

  15. 15: dreammeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, where can I learn more about the specifics of circular dating? It’s not in the ebook, which I have.

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 11:55am

  16. 16: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome, dreamme…and there’s some on it here, in the Targeting Mr. Right category – that’s the program that trains you on how exactly to do it…Love, Rori

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:51pm

  17. 17: LoveView says:

    [...] tools and philosophies I’ve been reading about. I have a great interest in Rori Raye’s Circular Dating concept, and in the ideas she presents in her ebook Have The Relationship You Want. I have been [...]

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 8:13pm

  18. 18: It’s My First Time! « LoveView says:

    [...] of the tools and philosophies I’ve been reading about. I have a great interest in Rori Raye’s Circular Dating concept, and in the ideas she presents in her ebook Have The Relationship You Want. I have been [...]

    Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 11:08pm

  19. 19: MichelleNo Gravatar says:

    I have been “kinda seeing” someone for a little over month now. It started out casual because we had known each other for a few months before hanging out just the two of us. We see each other maybe once or twice a week and he has initiated all of our “dates” except for the first time we hung out. He has a career that keeps him busy and on a different shift that me and has been out of town all but one weekend since we started seeing each other. This weekend I didnt hear from him any while he was gone so I called him last night and left a message and got a text later last night telling me he got back but nothing since then. I dont really know whats going on or if I should assume that things arent what I thought they were. It sounds super needy im sure, but I dont like going 4 days without so much as a “hi, I was thinking about you, hope your doing well,” and he normally does that even when hes out of town. I texted him back asking how the trip was and he responded but thats really it. I’ve been hanging out with friends and keeping myself busy. I want to try circular dating but I worry that he will think badly of me if he finds out im seeing other people and just stop talking to me. I have a hard time not wanting to text or call him when I havent heard from him because I feel like if I dont do it then more and more time will just pass. (Although he has been the one to ask to see me). Any advice or helpful hints would be great! I just finished watching The Modern Siren and I’m starting Commitment Blueprint tonight. Thanks in advance!!

    Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 1:23pm

  20. 20: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Michelle, Welcome…and so glad you have the programs…”kinda seeing” is a recipe for an Imaginary Relationship and personal pain. PLEASE….he is only dating you. You are only dating him. Exclusivity is totally not appropriate here. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he doesn’t want to…and that’s what you should pay attention to. The moment you start “chasing” – you lose. This is all about attraction, observation, practicing my Tools 24/7, strong on the inside, soft on the outside…and letting HIM do what he does. Letting it all shake out without you investing too soon. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 10:26pm

  21. 21: DeirdreNo Gravatar says:

    I just got home from a date with the guy I really like. I’ve been circular dating for about 2 months now & I’ve been dating the guy I really like for about a month. I’m not having sex with anyone, just dating with abstinence. With the guy I like I’ve been kissing and some making out too.

    Tonight he brought up being exclusive, I told him I was dating other people and he was surprised, because he said he felt like we were exclusive.. or that HE felt exclusive. He isn’t dating or intimate with anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to date anyone else since he met me.

    It’s hard to write this b/c it wasn’t like a linear conversation.. As we were saying goodbye at my car he hugged me and said “I love you.. even though you’re ‘dating’”. ( He said ‘I love you’ to me on out last date too). He thinks none of this dating stuff really matters because we’re right for each other. But he is OK with me dating for now because I’ll get the chance to see how great he is by contrast.

    He said that if in 3 weeks I’m still dating he will – out of pride – also start dating. Or that if my dating escalates to romantic involvement with another guy he will have to start dating too. His dating means sex. He wasn’t being threatening, he said he was half-crushed when I said I was dating, and I felt like his thinking was right.. why should he stand by and wait while I could be potentially getting romantically involved with another guy while he is only seeing me?

    I feel like he is right to feel like that and I feel like I’m going against the natural path I’m supposed to be on with him.. because I’m not interested in another guy.. I’m just going out with them to circular date.

    But recently (in the past 5 years) I’ve gone down the road of exclusivity with different guys & it wasn’t that great being a ‘girlfriend’. I was getting ready to leave and the subject of being a girlfriend came up so we started talking about it again, he seems so interested and not at all bored by this subject. I feel like I found the best guy in the world. I told him that I wasn’t sure I want to be a girlfriend, and he said you’re not sure you want to be MY girlfriend, and I said no that’s not it. I don’t really want to feel trapped in a commitment that’s not a real commitment. I felt silly because all I really wanted to do was say yes I’ll be your girlfriend.

    I don’t know how to proceed.. I feel threatened by my own commitment to circular date.. like I could lose this guy who feels so right for me. I wanted to backpedal and say wait.. I won’t date anymore, it can be just you & me like you want, but I kept remembering how much sense circular dating makes to me – had I been able to remember why in these moments with him I would have been more clear. That boundary of not wanting to feel trapped was feeling nonexistent. The boundary of not trusting was nonexistent. It feels real with him and I really really really don’t want to mess it up or hurt him.

    It feels weird to say and do things that feel counter-intuitive.. how do I know it’s the right thing if it’s only my logical mind and not my heart that’s telling me circular dating is the way to take care of myself? At some point he said “so not being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

    Erg, I can’t buy any of the programs right now, so I’m doing all this based on what I’ve learned reading this blog, newsletters and the ebook. I feel like asking – am I doing it right?

    Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:33pm

  22. 22: DeirdreNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t have a speech prepared.. it was kind of messy.. the way I was saying it. I guess I got my points across, but I feel unsure. OK. Here’s what I should have been prepared with… ??:

    I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel interested and easy and light and I feel open. I don’t want to be a girlfriend because that level of commitment doesn’t feel like enough for me to close myself to other possibilities. .. ??

    Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:45pm

  23. 23: DeirdreNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t have a speech prepared.. it was kind of messy.. the way I was saying it. I guess I got my points across, but I feel unsure. OK. Here’s what I should have been prepared with… ??:

    I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel interested and easy and light and I feel open. I don’t want to be a girlfriend because that level of commitment doesn’t feel like enough for me to close myself to other possibilities. .. ??

    Oh.. I just read Rori’s post “Why Aren’t You Circular Dating”.. and yes.. I still believe.. and want that program.. *sigh*

    Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:53pm

  24. 24: MichelleNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much Rori! I still haven’t heard anything from him and it feels horrible. I am fighting myself constantly to keep from sending him a text or a message on Facebook. I have a quetion on how to handle something in regards to this situation. When we hang out, a lot of the time we’ve been watching a DVD television series that I had borrowed from a friend of mine. Because we always watch it at his house I leave it there but at some point (there isn’t a huge rush, but I can’t just leave it with him forever) I need to give it back to my friend but we haven’t finished watching it. What should I do? How do I talk to him about it and if and when we do ever make contact again, do I share with him how I’m feeling even though its only been a month? Thanks again, I am using all of your tools and the feelings and emotions are really amping up.

    Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 7:27am

  25. 25: MichelleNo Gravatar says:

    UPDATE: He texted me this afternoon. I’m not really sure how I feel about it though. We sent a few back and forth, basically bantering with each other some. It feels yucky not knowing what his intentions are or if I will see him again soon. I am working on the circular dating though! I went out with a guy im friends with last night and tonight I have a coffee date. Heres another question though. Do we tell the guys about our dates with other guys? And if so, how?

    Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 2:01pm

  26. 26: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Deirdre, Welcome – and here’s your answer:
    At some point he said “so no being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

    That’s exactly it. You have to talk to HIM in HIS language about HIS timeline. Ask him what a girlfriend is to him, and how that works on the road to being engaged, and how you can keep from putting pressure on the relationship if you’re exclusive and you’re looking to be married, not to just being a girlfriend. Talk. Tell the truth. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 10:33pm

  27. 27: MCANo Gravatar says:

    Please elaborate the statement “a man isn’t allowed to circular date past the time it feels okay with you”.
    Please elaborate about the statement above and why he should be taken out of your rotation if his circular dating isn’t okay with you.

    Friday, 23 April 2010 @ 7:38pm

  28. 28: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome MCA – Here’s the deal – a man should be zeroed in on you from the first and woo you. He should work to get you away from the other men you’re dating. That’s not always going to happen. It may take him awhile to get to that point. You decide how long you want to give a man – any man – to decide on you…and when it doesn’t feel good that there are other women in the picture – drop him. Simple. Make up your own rules based on what feels good. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 24 April 2010 @ 5:14pm

  29. 29: Angel BabyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been doing circular dating – and the men are definitely pouring in! I feel fun and flirty, and the men are drawn to me like a magnet. Problem is, they ALL want to keep me and I feel stupid dating them if I’m not sure I want to keep them. Each of the men I’m dating is really fun, intelligent, attractive (to me) and the chemistry is great. Now I’m down to having to get clear about what I’M really looking for. In the meantime, these guys are expressing that they’re feeling toyed with. Is that just whining on their part? I feel guilty, a little tired, and super confused! Thanks, Rori!

    Tuesday, 18 May 2010 @ 9:16am

  30. 30: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Baby, Welcome and BRAVA to YOU!!! Jumping off to a post on this one! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 10:34am

  31. 31: Angel BabyNo Gravatar says:

    Ha ha, so nice to get your personal attention! But seriously. OK, so in the past 24 hours I’ve gotten clearer on what was great about these guys and why it probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. I’m rehearsing my “I’m sorry, but…” speeches. It would have been fun to date them casually but they each wanted long-term relationships! So I see all of this as an AWESOME confirmation that I’m starting to attract the sort of LOVING lover that I really want. But I still feel sad and wonder if I’ll ever meet a man who I feel right with on every level…

    Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 12:13pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Baby –

    I wouldn’t think about why it wouldn’t work out… some might step up more and surprise you.

    And they would have to show up and propose wih a ring and wedding date to have a claim on a “long term” = forever.

    Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 12:22pm

  33. 33: MichelleNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Baby, I know exactly how you feel!!

    I really never thought I would have this problem! But what do you do when you have more than one guy that wants to be with you?!?!

    I went from having different situations that weren’t working out for me to having one guy do a 180 and others just flocking to me. I gave the “no boyfriend” speech to the newbies and guys I’ve been on a few dates with that are showing A LOT of interest and they all understand and are still coming on strong. But they got it from the beginning so it was much easier.

    There is one guy that had been dragging his feet for months, being a friend with benefits, to just friends, to moving forward and making plans with me now. Over the last 3 weeks he has been super attentive, sweet, asking me out, doing things for me, telling me how he feels, and also making comments about us being together. I don’t know what to do!!

    I like him, but I like some of the other guys too…or atleast have enough interest to want to keep circular dating. I don’t know how to address the fact that I’m still keeping my options open and there are other people that I’m dating with this guy. Should I bring it up to him? It would feel a bit weird to bring up exclusivitiy when thats not what I want right now from him. ( I dont trust enough that how hes being will last, it will take time of him being this guy for me in order to warm up and let myself have strong feelings for him again. ) And im not sure I would marry him, I see the potential but until I see that with someone, and its on the table I dont want to be a girlfriend.

    So thats just one issue. The other is not knowing what to say when these guys ask me what I did last night, or what I’m going to do, or they ask me out at the same time and expect to be invited somewhere (its not like I can bring them all!) haha this feels crazy to me, I can’t believe this is my problem! I feel guilty though, and weird with not knowing what to say, I feel like it could be taken as being sneaky if they dont know what I’m doing, and since I dont know how to word it to them, ive just been trying to avoid telling them anything, and it just feels wrong….

    Wednesday, 19 May 2010 @ 12:23pm

  34. 34: Women with Low Self Esteem: Date Multiple Men, Feel Stronger says:

    [...] Ive done circular dating in the past 3 or 4 men at a time …but i ended up feeling tired an hopeless when nothing good [...]

    Tuesday, 22 June 2010 @ 1:04pm

  35. 35: Melb(a)LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori
    I’ve been moving along, attempting to ‘circular date’. (Due to finding myself ‘too involved’ ‘too attached’ to a guy I didn’t think I was even going to ‘date’ let alone become ‘emotionally attached’ to!) Ha, see how they sneak up on you….!! Lol!! :-) We’ve been ‘seeing’ each other for about a year…
    Since being reminded that ‘I told you I don’t want/aren’t looking for a relationship’ (ie Him speaking!)… although respectful and open (he does have honesty on his side)… it was/is time to seriously get into this (‘circular dating’). I’ve taken onboard my Siren & am also feeling that…!!
    Having been on rsvp (dating site in Australia, I live in Melbourne & have met about 60-70!! [1four month relationship, 1 shorter relationship/now friendship,& a number of email contacts] guys on rsvp over 5 or so years) all throughout my ‘friendship’ with this guy I knew I needed to accept & ‘further’ the ‘interactions’ I was having with guys… so I purposefully used my rsvp dates to find guys I could ‘be friends with’ first, so that I wouldn’t Discount any Potentials who appeared ‘not to my taste’ to begin with. However, although in the recent couple of months of my New Plan, and having met maybe 10 – 15 guys for coffee (as well as all of my other interactions, at work, at the cafe, down the street, in shops etc)… only ONE guy was I able to KEEP on as a ‘regular’ coffee date (as friends who enjoyed a chat together – I had/have no romantic interest even after 5 or 6 ‘coffee dates’), and even then he politely & respectfully told me recently, when he met ‘The One’ (he thinks) and that he wasn’t sure she’d be happy with him continuing ‘coffee’ with someone he ‘likes’… All the other guys I met fell into “Even though I can chat for an hour or so with first coffee, (& learn more about how I communicate) I just CAN’T bring myself to ‘see’ them again… there IS NOTHING more I want to SAY to that person”, or the other category of “He wasn’t Keen for another Coffee (even if I was, or wasn’t keen)…” The situation of Keeping a List of Friendly InterestingEnoughToMe Men (who have time/energy/desire to ‘catch up’ with me on a regular basis As a Friend – I only met one recently who I felt Vaguely Attracted to [& it was obvious that he had lots of other/younger/fitter/healthier options than me; not more attractive or wonderful though LOL!! :-) ]) – is Not Happening, even with my best of open and accepting intention/s.
    To me, the ‘dating’ situation, even when attempting to go down the ‘friends’ track to keep options open, just Doesn’t Seem To Work ie unless the guy is Keen ie Chemistry he Won’t See You/Me again…. that’s fine, but that leaves Me with Following Up with guys whom I FEEL NO CHEMISTRY/ATTRACTION at all for… thus back to the ‘I just Can’t handle another hour of “coffee/chat” with this person… even though he is “quite nice”‘… I Know I Sound Nasty/Picky/ Upmyself (I’m not)… but this is how it’s been working for me…
    ANY Suggestions Respectfully Acknowledged & Rather Desperately Wanted!! :-) Thanks, Lynne (from Melbourne, Australia)… I’m 54 [look in my 40's], have 2 kids, 2 divorces, [2 cats lol!!] & numerous short (& longer) relationships behind me… !!

    Thursday, 24 June 2010 @ 5:49am

  36. 36: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    MelbaLynne – Welcome, and your question is what my Targeting Mr. Right program is all about…firt – STOP with the “friends” thing – that “expectation” is causing you to bring in “friends” – and is completely all about your fears. Please imagine and envision what you REALLY want – we need to baby step through your FEARS – not toe step through your comfort zone! Just keep imagining each “meet” as getting you closer to what you want…your magic number might be 25, might be 50 – IN PERSON! – and that’s why the speed of this is in your hands. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 24 June 2010 @ 12:03pm

  37. 37: Melb(a)LynneNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori, thanks for your comment, & underneath it all could be fear (of getting ‘stuck’ in a relationship/ marriages that could be so dreadful for me again). My 1st husband was/is Very Angry (I got out of that when kids very young)…. my 2nd husband was/is Very Irresponsible (not good with commitment/ loyalty/boundaries)…Both marriages have done me alot of personal/& health damage (although i’m dealing with it & trying to attain more health).
    I’m really serious about wanting to meet someone ‘good’ for me, for my life, who treasures me & chooses to be loyal to me.. (I’m Way Too Ill [& Old!!] for another Damaging Disaster, my body wouldn’t take it)..which is why I’m now focussing alot on this… (& have done Toxic Man, was gr8!!)..
    However, just want to clarify why in last couple of months I’ve had the ‘intention’ of drawing in ‘friendship’ on rsvp (my profile says wants ‘friendship’ & ‘long term relationship’). After meeting 60 or more guys & looking at each ‘coffee meeting’ as a ‘Is he my “perfect/possible” guy?’ & discounting 56 of them straight away, I thought I might be being too ‘picky’ & not giving ‘good’ guys a chance.
    My ‘problems’ since the end of my 2nd marriage are 2fold: 1. I have chronic fatigue/migraines & other very challenging/personal health issues that stop me ‘going out’ as people normally do.. although I still work p/t & support us all; & 2. I have only met 4 guys in 6 years who I’m “attracted” to, in any sense (I used to have no trouble bumping into guys I found attractive)…. 3 of those guys I was “attracted” to straight away & 3 of them it was initially reciprocated (one I went out with for 4 mths, Guy A, a responsible architect, family man, but it wasn’t Right for me & not long after that I met Guy B, a business man with a degree, responsible, family man – that ‘stopped before it started’ as Coincidently Guy B’s ex-girlfriend [who he was still a little 'stuck' on but denied it] was Actually Guy A’s ex-girlfriend, fleetingly/now friend!! What the…!! Melbourne is Actually A Big City!! :-) And Guy B didn’t like me ‘knowing about stuff’ re his ex-girlfriend, (from Guy A!! [who at the time still communicated with me, but not now, cos his girlfriend told him not to!!]). So that was that… About a year later I met Guy C, an engineer, responsible, family man, [but HE was ‘involved’ casually with another women {married!!}.., he told me his ‘situation’ at the start… so I started coolly, & then he said she’d ‘broken it off’ with him & we could now start ‘dating’… I saw the folly in that & stepped out of there… we’re friends now & it took him a couple more years to remove himself from the hope that she was ‘leaving the marriage’ for him!!!
    Then Guy D came along, a Social Worker, previously a teacher, (I was a teacher)…responsible, family man (has 1 son all the time & other one 50/50 with ex)… at first I wasn’t “attracted” to him, in the romantic sense. I ‘met’ him when he ‘accosted’ me in a cafe… he’d been watching me chat to friends out front, recognised me from my rsvp profile, & when I came in to cafe he ‘caught me’ at the door, asked if i was on rsvp, then my rsvp name & gave me his number & rsvp ‘contact name’ & said ‘Contact me if you want to catch up’…. which IRONICLY, i notice now, is how the Whole Non- Relationship has gone..!! :-( ie me, often, contacting him.. but he has ALWAYS replied & met me Every Single Time I’ve asked, pretty much straight away… (It is why I’ve felt the need to ‘follow-up’ ‘friendship’ type connections because of what happened here… which has left me gobsmacked…). I clearly ‘enjoyed’ our first ‘cofffee chat’ enough to have another one & after a couple more ‘coffees’ began ‘looking forward’ to them alot… Then checked his site again, on rsvp to see/ NOTICE ‘friendship only’, ‘strictly friendship only’.. That was April, 2009….
    Well the whole ‘circular dating’ for me is due to him being ‘unavailable’… & although our times together, just great, my belief, from all he’s said is that although he’d been monagamous for 30 years ie in relationships prior to marriage, then marriage, (ended 5 years ago).. he’s now decided that ‘monagamy/relationships’ ‘don’t work’ and chooses the ‘freedom’ (free from control/pain/ giving up what you Truely Believe is You for your partner) of not ‘being in’ relationship… that’s his choice; & having managed to ‘arrange’ (with obviously someone who cares Not Much for him really…!!) a ‘friendship’ “with an old friend that sometimes includes sex” !!! (she’s also sleeping with other people!!! as you do.. NOT!!) he’s decided that that is great because there is no responsiblity/ pressure /demands on him at all (I expect that’s what he likes)… Too much about HIM, sorry…
    So does that make sense as to why I’m attempting to be more ‘open’ in my ‘criteria’ for what determines A Second ‘coffee date’… I don’t Tell the Guys I’m Looking for Friendship only, & in fact I’m not, I just don’t want to Discount someone whom I’m not Initially “really attracted” to…. (eg I didn’t Believe one can get So Involved with someone where there’s not an initial Large Attraction/Chemistry happening, right at the start… but I Have!!…& the chemistry is the most amazing I’ve ever had!! ??) My desire is to ‘be attracted to’, & find someone who is ‘attractive’ to me… who is not so Difficult (& Unavailable) as Guy D… ie who basically ‘wants a partner’ & ‘is mature enough to handle it’… (plus all the other criteria I’m looking for… of course!!)…
    Err, I think that’s it.. does that make more sense?
    Or should I just be ‘fussy’ like I used to be, on rsvp? Or is there a middle road to be found??
    Thanks very much, Lynne

    Thursday, 24 June 2010 @ 4:45pm

  38. 38: PoppyNo Gravatar says:

    can any of these programs help with long distant relationships???Ive known the man im involved with for 22 yrs but lost contact up til about a year ago.everything was great until about 2 weeks ago and now things are rocky(I do know for a fact hes been having issues 2 brothers deaths,moving his mother in,going thru a divorce..etc.)so which way do I turn????or should I ask which program can help??

    Thursday, 1 July 2010 @ 3:21pm

  39. 39: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Poppy – Welcome – and Long Distance so so challenging, because there’s no way to feel and smell and everything else each other, and because it’s a choice that deep down each of you has made because of your OWN fear of intimacy – yes – this means YOURS. Unless you’ve got a ring on your finger and a wedding date and regular skyping and contact and visiting – get the ebook and then Targeting Mr Right, then Modern Siren and Circular Date so you can PRACTICE all these Tools. You’ll be amazed at what will happen for you…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 3 July 2010 @ 9:14am

  40. 40: ConfusedNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if this would be the right thing for me to do…I am married and my Husband was having an affair. He left her but I saw him with her day before yesterday, he was driving her car. So, I suppose that was having an affair should be is…I do have another man that want to be with me. My Husband doesn’t live at home with me and he goes back and forth when he calls me, from I love you and tell the kids I love them to (just) tell the kids that i love them. So, I don’t quite know what to do here. Being married is important. But at the same time, only in my eyes I suppose. He has health problems and isn’t able to work anymore and feels depressed from time to time, telling me that he feels like telling me to find another man that can take care of me and the kids. But I feel sometimes like it’s because not only can he not work, but still wants to be with the other woman and doesn’t want to admit it to me. Or he will tell me that maybe I should move back to Indiana with his family where we would be taken care of and be loved. It is a more complicated situation I suppose than just circular dating… What is your opinion on this and what do you think I should do? Date or not?

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 5:33am

  41. 41: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Confused – so sorry for your situation – and, ask yourself what you really want. This marriage is clearly not working. If you have another man who wants to date you – you could be friends with him – but having a sexual affair with another man and staying married requires you to be honest with your husband. How about you start being honest with your husband NOW? Talk with him. Find out if he wants to work on your marriage or just be free…make some decisions based on information. If you’re already physically separated – I don’t see how dating other men would be a problem, as long as it’s clearly stated with your husband, and perhaps you have legal procedures in the works…Love, Rori

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 8:51am

  42. 42: ConfusedNo Gravatar says:

    I was merely contemplating on the circular dating thing. Wasn’t sure if that was what i wanted or not. I would NEVER have sex with another man. And I’m always honest with my Husband. He’s the one that isn’t honest and has sex with other partners. As far as the man that wants to be with me, We’re only friends and mostly talk on the phone once or twice a month. My Husband already knows about him. The other man wants to be more and years ago, we WERE more than friends. We were crazy about each other, but circumstances wouldn’t let us be together. We lived in different States. We had children and couldn’t move away from our children to be with each other. To ask myself what I really want, No, I don’t think I want to date anyone. I don’t feel that dating will help do anything but maybe drive my Husband away or make him feel I don’t care about him. Who knows…

    Monday, 12 July 2010 @ 11:10am

  43. 43: JesseNo Gravatar says:

    Dating in the age when sex can kill ya…

    I’m dating again at the age of 60…where does exclusivity for safer sex reasons figure into the practice of circular dating?

    I’ve just started dating a guy who is coming on very strong and thinks we’re moving too slowly toward having sex…I am very attracted to him, but feel like I know very little about him. I don’t know if he is true to his word, or if his actions will match up with what he says…we have only been going out for a few weeks and have had 5 dates. “Three” dates seems to be the “magic number,” but I prefer to wait until I have a better sense of what he’s made of. He has asked me to send him a picture of me without clothes…for me that is a major red flag..what kind of man would ask me to expose myself to possible exploitation and lack of privacy that way? Also, the day after our date when he told me he wouldn’t need any one but me, I could see on a dating website that he had flirted with someone else!

    In any case, if and when we do have sex I would want it to be exclusive. How does circular dating work when a couple becomes more sexually intimate? How does a woman keep herself safe and healthy under those circumstances?

    Granted I grew up in an age when women were expected to be faithful, even with very little or no commitment from a guy, but what about sexual hygiene? These questions apply to all of us…

    Thursday, 12 August 2010 @ 10:50pm

  44. 44: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jesse, Welcome, and sexual exclusivity is very different from dating exclusivity. And if you don’t trust a man to do what he says…then drop him. Love, Rori

    Friday, 13 August 2010 @ 8:14pm

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