What Does Circular Dating Do For You?

Here’s a comment-question from TW, and to show you how fast and amazingly you can catch on to all this and change your life, see how brilliantly here Alias Girl, Daria and JP answered! (You can see all the comments here->)

The question – from TW: “What exactly is circular dating and what purpose does it serve in trying to build a relationship with someone? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one pursuing me and then I saw him out with other females, I would kinda be offended and start dating other people myself because I would feel that he does not care.

Maybe I just do not understand what it is all about and what it is designed to do exactly. Would someone help me get a better understanding? I saw where Rori advised me to do it. I do not feel that anyone is wrong in suggesting it but I am simply saying that I do not understand it and need a little explanation. Please help!!”

Daria replied:

“TW, it does sound a little confusing put that way… I think one of the principles is that men and women are not alike in this respect and that having to win a woman over is what makes a man happy, while a woman should have many to choose from, that is why we are supposed to be the receivers and let him be the giver, instead of a 50/50.

The main point of circular dating, however, is that it is for YOU. It helps you focus on you, raises your self esteem, and even if you feel this is already high, it raises your flirtiness and vibe around men, because you feel easily adored and you feel like you deserve more and more, making it easier for them to go with this vibe and give you more.

The other personal use for it is as therapy. There are many parts of relating to men that we have issues with. We can deal with this safely in circular dating by practicing the tools, so that if we are later in a relationship we won’t freak out and lose the relationship because of our issues.

It sounds weird, and it’s not. I’m doing it and the men are pouring in. It’s mostly a way to get married too… I tell men I don’t want to be a girlfriend I want to be married and am not looking to be a girlfriend unless the relationship is moving that way. Then they start to think of marriage too and like me even more…”

Then JP said:

“Hi TW – I totally agree with Daria. I also know it is uncomfortable to contemplate when you are still attached to a man.

I’d just like to add that there is a route to circular dating which will build your confidence. The underlying point. as Daria says, is to make YOU feel good and have OPTIONS. So you could start by simply NOTICING men around – in the street, at work, in the supermarket etc. Make eye contact, smile, and notice them noticing YOU.

Use the tools on yourself too – the Paint Yourself tool is just great, and there are others such as Out The Window which are all about YOU. You have to TRAIN yourself AWAY from thinking about HIM when he’s not around. It gets easier with practice! Walk yourself THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings that come up if you’re not chasing him down. I know how tempting it is to text or call if he hasn’t, but he has made it clear he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, so you are entitled to see yourself as single.

Next – date YOURSELF. Sounds like you’re already getting out, so maybe try something different on your own. It’s easier for a man to approach you if you’re in a bookshop or an exhibition on your own, and there are other people around so you’ll be safe. You might even have men friends you could meet, even if you don’t see them as prospective husbands you can still have a nice time and feel attractive.

You will feel different, you’ll start enjoying yourself and you’ll be more relaxed when he calls.

I have men friends I have coffee with, or talk to on the phone. I’ve grown fond of them over time and don’t want to lose their friendship even though I’m in a relationship now. I still keep my head up and enjoy flirting.

I hope this helps! JP”

And you can see how it works for Alias Girl here, too - (and, Alias Girl – with your permission I’m going to use your comment in my new Circular Dating program – it was very personal and very powerful, thank you.)

Let me know how Circular Dating is working for you, and if you’re just finding this blog now, you’ll get so much help here – from me and and what is truly a community of ministering angels – and we’re all working the Rori Raye Tools straight to our dreams.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 1:40pm

1: Erika says:

One of the instructors over at Real Social Dynamics put it brilliantly: “In order to get the one special girl, you need to be able to get all of them.”

From where I sit (which is having learned all this from both sides of the gender fence), it actually looks like it works very similarly on both sides of the fence.

Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 7:44pm

2: Reshi says:

Dating myself is great. It feels good to have an online stable of pretty men who tell me that I’m gorgeous…and I get to decide which ones are good enough to reply to. It felt good to have a lunch date yesterday, and be taken out and treated well and feel energy coming TOWARD me from a man. And it felt good to be asked out again for next week.

I also feel guilty about all this, though. Guilty about receiving from one man when another one has claimed me–even if he’s trying to unclaim me. Guilty about receiving at all! In my family we’re excellent at feeling guilty about receiving. And I’m too lazy to Riff on the guilt…I’ll do it though.

Saturday, 15 November 2008 @ 11:43pm

3: Daria says:

What to do… this one guy I am dating wants all of my attention… he calls me all the time, does nice things for me… I don’t know what to do… it feels nice to talk to him but I feel a little overwhelmed, we’ve only had 4 dates… I feel worried that he’s trying to get something from me (probably sex)… I feel guilty when he’s disappointed that he can’t see me and I feel mad… he has asked me to be his gf and I gave him the no gf speech… he still wants me and says so and wants me to be his woman… what do I do… I’m guessing I’m going to wind up being mean to him or brushing him off and eventually he’ll stop pursuing me… I don’t feel comfortable with this part of the dating process where the guys are trying to get so close they want all my attention…

Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 1:09pm

4: Maria says:

l have been reading your blog many times and getting your newsletters and lm being more and more aware and enlighted of how l reflect to life and men now (l havent had much happy experiences with men, lm 33). l just got your next e-letter about Donna which touched me and ld like to ask 2 questions:
-You said, man actually KNOWS deep inside he has to commit to woman to close down all other options. Which is totally true and l second that 100%. So what makes a man get deeply into relationship to a woman, knowing that he would never truly commit anyway?
-What if my hate from my past by being exactly on those situations many times, has grown so big that l hardly imagine myself circular dating or letting anyone in. To me men are enemies who want jus to take advantage and hurt me. And l dont know if it ever can be different.
l know it is very bad place to be, where l am. lm taking slow babysteps, but somehow hating keeps coming back.
Do l have any hope?

Maria

Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 1:11pm

5: Rori Raye says:

Maria, you have all the hope in the world. And you are at just the beginning of all this. Please start with my ebook – the eletters are pieces of the puzzle and new Tools – but the ebook is the FOUNDATION for all of it, so you can understand what we’re doing here.

Getting in touch with your feelings and practicing my Tools in the real world, with real men – no matter HOW you’re feeling, is the way to go. And you need the step-by-step plan that my book and programs will give you. Learn as much as you can here, do the Power & Self-Esteem Tools here, and talk to us all about your progress. Love, Rori

Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 12:27pm

6: JP says:

Rori – thank you so much for including my comment in a new post, I feel so honoured!

Reshi – I can relate to your post about guilt in the family. In the culture in which I was raised we were taught it was polite to say ‘no’ if offered anything – if we said ‘yes’ then we would be seen as greedy and coarse. So then we were supposed to go through this ritual of being coaxed (or doing the coaxing, if we were the giver). How crazy is that?! I don’t know if you get Father Ted over there, but if you do, watch Mrs Doyle in action and you’ll see exactly what I mean

JPxx

Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 5:06pm

7: JP says:

Erika – I’m intrigued! I’d like to know more about the other side of the fence.

Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 5:28pm

8: Maria says:

Thank you, Rory. l have another 2 additional questions. The first one is short – where can l get your ebook and what would be the next step program after that?

My next question has pretty deep roots, and lm not sure it is good place to share it here, then again, maybe there are other women out there who feel the same. Since “teenagerhood” when you first start to attract the opposite sex l felt l was somehow different. When l grow older, l noticed that even if l looked nice in some standards, men seemed not to be attracted to me. Someone “defined” it to me – that l just wasnt born with “attracting opposite sex” gene. l have had all the bad experiences with men. So l started thinking it is me, not them. lm just not enough attractive for no man, how hard l search or try. And it is soo panful being me. Without love.Alone.
Obviously It isnt good place to be either. So my question is again, do l have hope? Cos right now l dont belive l so. And where do l start to really help myself.
Thank you, Maria.

Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 2:07pm

9: alias girl says:

hi maria. i think the first book is called the have the relationship you want. then maybe good would be the heart connection toolkit. those would be what i think. also how i think i started. should be able to find them through this website or havetherelationshipyouwant.com itls always a little hard for me to find where to but stuff too. good luck!!!! YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE and you can tunr it around. it’s just a belief system youlve adapted and now continue to tell yourself itLs the truth. it’s not. and often our deep seated beliefs will get Mirrored for us by the world and people around us. still don’t make it the truth. still just your belief system at work. welcome.

Thursday, 20 November 2008 @ 11:57pm

10: Delaine Moore says:

One of the things I’ve learned about myself since I got divorced a year ago is that I tend to see my True Self reflected back to me through the eyes of a man. And I don’t think that Self is self-appreciative and self-aware enough yet.

Consequently, I vow to myself to keep more than one set of eyes on me at all times *grin. And it’s working! My heart is intact, my confidence is growing, and I’m stepping outside the old identity of who I thought Delaine once was.

Friday, 21 November 2008 @ 10:17pm

11: gina says:

There is a subtle aspect of dating that is troubling me, that I’m not sure if I can articulate, but here goes…
I feel super sensitive to the vibe that I get from a guy. Sometimes, the conversation is perfectly cordial, but the guy gives me the creeps, or I can sense that we just are not on the same wavelength, and I get completely turned off. and I really mean “turned off.” I feel like I have an on/off switch, and I’m very particular to which people or situations will turn me on. Other people have noticed that, too. A former boss said I am like “a ferrari that won’t start.” Now that I’ve written that, I interpret my behavior as passive agressive. I wish I could be more in control, cause I feel bad when I’m turned off, but I can’t quite talk myself into being on. I feel scared to allow myself to shine in these situations, I guess, cause I feel too vulnerable . When I’m not interested, do I continue to be in “receive mode?” and continue to express feelings? How do we keep moving forward when we are turned off?

Friday, 2 January 2009 @ 6:41pm

12: heartbeat says:

Gina – hmmm think I recognise what you’re saying. Feels like your switch switches in a way you’re not comfortable with, like you feel it’s blocking you.

Dunno if this helps…. but I remember being stunned when an ex said I made him feel insecure. I felt insanely insecure around him!! I felt angry he said that. Recently, the man I’m in a long-term relation ship with now said he’d see my eyes ’switch off’ and he felt bad – luckily it was an ‘in-the-moment’ comment so I knew exactly when it happened. Clarity! I’d gone into auto-mode, read him as saying we are off (he wasn’t) and felt insecure, shut down. Triggered.

This was a breakthrough for me, thanks to those guys’ feedback. My unconscious doesn’t have the same power now, I can hear what’s being said without filling up with wasps of fear and ’switching off’. I must have been doing this for years. I didn’t realise how I came across to them, shutting them out, becoming guarded, losing my natural flow of feeling.

Saturday, 3 January 2009 @ 12:08am

13: Keri says:

I’ve been with this man off and on for over 4 years. He is circular dating but I can’t bring myself to do this. He just came back last july steady and now he must have someone else because he doesn’t come around like he did he says he doesn’t then he list a bunch of girls names. When he asks ?’s I answer them but I can’t bring myself to tell him how I feel and my sister says this is what he is waiting for. We did more in the beginning but now he just comes over we don’t go out anymore. We have a 3 yr old daughter. He wanted to know why I didn’t date why do I always wait for him you love me right etc… I told him I have 2 daughters and I am not going to be bringing different men around. Then he made a comment that I couldn’t get anyone and I told him I have no problem with men approaching me but I chose not to I haven’t found the right one. Another one was he wanted to know why I couldn’t say nice things like this other girl. I told him I learned people compliment you when they want something from you if you would like me to sweet talk you and tell you lies to boost your ego sorry this is not my style. I did notice that when I stopped pursuing him because he moved in with this girl, by the way it didn’t stop his behavior, he was calling me wanting to know why I haven’t called. He was back with me until the girl moved out now I see him 3 days a week which is cutting down. xmas time he came out and told me he loved me he wanted to get married it was time for him to settle down he was tired of his life style and have a family he wants a boy. I was dumbfounded and didn’t really reply to him just let him talk like I usually do. He always told me I was different from the other girls. I do see that he is more open than before but yet he still has the wall. I tell him all the time he got burned by a girl in the past. He said that all his x girlfriends ended up with his friends. I was like what kind of people do you hang out with? This past year I’ve met many more people and his friends try and hit on you. I told him he needed new friends because the ones he has aren’t. He says they just wanted to see what I would do. He went around last year telling people we were getting married and his brother called me and it was news to me. He has always talked about it wanted to know what I wanted and etc. I just told him don’t ask me anymore ?’s until you are serious and produce a ring. I think he is a player. help

Sunday, 21 June 2009 @ 1:58am

14: Rori Raye says:

Welcome Keri. A man is not allowed to Circular Date past the time when it feels okay and good to you and still stay in your rotation. There’s no point. You have to see this man because of your child. That’s all. Stay strong. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 23 June 2009 @ 9:47am

15: dreamme says:

Hi, where can I learn more about the specifics of circular dating? It’s not in the ebook, which I have.

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 11:55am

16: Rori Raye says:

Welcome, dreamme…and there’s some on it here, in the Targeting Mr. Right category – that’s the program that trains you on how exactly to do it…Love, Rori

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 6:51pm

17: LoveView says:

[...] tools and philosophies I’ve been reading about. I have a great interest in Rori Raye’s Circular Dating concept, and in the ideas she presents in her ebook Have The Relationship You Want. I have been [...]

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 8:13pm

18: It’s My First Time! « LoveView says:

[...] of the tools and philosophies I’ve been reading about. I have a great interest in Rori Raye’s Circular Dating concept, and in the ideas she presents in her ebook Have The Relationship You Want. I have been [...]

Sunday, 6 September 2009 @ 11:08pm

19: Michelle says:

I have been “kinda seeing” someone for a little over month now. It started out casual because we had known each other for a few months before hanging out just the two of us. We see each other maybe once or twice a week and he has initiated all of our “dates” except for the first time we hung out. He has a career that keeps him busy and on a different shift that me and has been out of town all but one weekend since we started seeing each other. This weekend I didnt hear from him any while he was gone so I called him last night and left a message and got a text later last night telling me he got back but nothing since then. I dont really know whats going on or if I should assume that things arent what I thought they were. It sounds super needy im sure, but I dont like going 4 days without so much as a “hi, I was thinking about you, hope your doing well,” and he normally does that even when hes out of town. I texted him back asking how the trip was and he responded but thats really it. I’ve been hanging out with friends and keeping myself busy. I want to try circular dating but I worry that he will think badly of me if he finds out im seeing other people and just stop talking to me. I have a hard time not wanting to text or call him when I havent heard from him because I feel like if I dont do it then more and more time will just pass. (Although he has been the one to ask to see me). Any advice or helpful hints would be great! I just finished watching The Modern Siren and I’m starting Commitment Blueprint tonight. Thanks in advance!!

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 1:23pm

20: Rori Raye says:

Michelle, Welcome…and so glad you have the programs…”kinda seeing” is a recipe for an Imaginary Relationship and personal pain. PLEASE….he is only dating you. You are only dating him. Exclusivity is totally not appropriate here. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he doesn’t want to…and that’s what you should pay attention to. The moment you start “chasing” – you lose. This is all about attraction, observation, practicing my Tools 24/7, strong on the inside, soft on the outside…and letting HIM do what he does. Letting it all shake out without you investing too soon. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 10:26pm

21: Deirdre says:

I just got home from a date with the guy I really like. I’ve been circular dating for about 2 months now & I’ve been dating the guy I really like for about a month. I’m not having sex with anyone, just dating with abstinence. With the guy I like I’ve been kissing and some making out too.

Tonight he brought up being exclusive, I told him I was dating other people and he was surprised, because he said he felt like we were exclusive.. or that HE felt exclusive. He isn’t dating or intimate with anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to date anyone else since he met me.

It’s hard to write this b/c it wasn’t like a linear conversation.. As we were saying goodbye at my car he hugged me and said “I love you.. even though you’re ‘dating’”. ( He said ‘I love you’ to me on out last date too). He thinks none of this dating stuff really matters because we’re right for each other. But he is OK with me dating for now because I’ll get the chance to see how great he is by contrast.

He said that if in 3 weeks I’m still dating he will – out of pride – also start dating. Or that if my dating escalates to romantic involvement with another guy he will have to start dating too. His dating means sex. He wasn’t being threatening, he said he was half-crushed when I said I was dating, and I felt like his thinking was right.. why should he stand by and wait while I could be potentially getting romantically involved with another guy while he is only seeing me?

I feel like he is right to feel like that and I feel like I’m going against the natural path I’m supposed to be on with him.. because I’m not interested in another guy.. I’m just going out with them to circular date.

But recently (in the past 5 years) I’ve gone down the road of exclusivity with different guys & it wasn’t that great being a ‘girlfriend’. I was getting ready to leave and the subject of being a girlfriend came up so we started talking about it again, he seems so interested and not at all bored by this subject. I feel like I found the best guy in the world. I told him that I wasn’t sure I want to be a girlfriend, and he said you’re not sure you want to be MY girlfriend, and I said no that’s not it. I don’t really want to feel trapped in a commitment that’s not a real commitment. I felt silly because all I really wanted to do was say yes I’ll be your girlfriend.

I don’t know how to proceed.. I feel threatened by my own commitment to circular date.. like I could lose this guy who feels so right for me. I wanted to backpedal and say wait.. I won’t date anymore, it can be just you & me like you want, but I kept remembering how much sense circular dating makes to me – had I been able to remember why in these moments with him I would have been more clear. That boundary of not wanting to feel trapped was feeling nonexistent. The boundary of not trusting was nonexistent. It feels real with him and I really really really don’t want to mess it up or hurt him.

It feels weird to say and do things that feel counter-intuitive.. how do I know it’s the right thing if it’s only my logical mind and not my heart that’s telling me circular dating is the way to take care of myself? At some point he said “so not being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

Erg, I can’t buy any of the programs right now, so I’m doing all this based on what I’ve learned reading this blog, newsletters and the ebook. I feel like asking – am I doing it right?

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:33pm

22: Deirdre says:

I didn’t have a speech prepared.. it was kind of messy.. the way I was saying it. I guess I got my points across, but I feel unsure. OK. Here’s what I should have been prepared with… ??:

I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel interested and easy and light and I feel open. I don’t want to be a girlfriend because that level of commitment doesn’t feel like enough for me to close myself to other possibilities. .. ??

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:45pm

23: Deirdre says:

Oh.. I just read Rori’s post “Why Aren’t You Circular Dating”.. and yes.. I still believe.. and want that program.. *sigh*

Tuesday, 20 October 2009 @ 11:53pm

24: Michelle says:

Thanks so much Rori! I still haven’t heard anything from him and it feels horrible. I am fighting myself constantly to keep from sending him a text or a message on Facebook. I have a quetion on how to handle something in regards to this situation. When we hang out, a lot of the time we’ve been watching a DVD television series that I had borrowed from a friend of mine. Because we always watch it at his house I leave it there but at some point (there isn’t a huge rush, but I can’t just leave it with him forever) I need to give it back to my friend but we haven’t finished watching it. What should I do? How do I talk to him about it and if and when we do ever make contact again, do I share with him how I’m feeling even though its only been a month? Thanks again, I am using all of your tools and the feelings and emotions are really amping up.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 7:27am

25: Michelle says:

UPDATE: He texted me this afternoon. I’m not really sure how I feel about it though. We sent a few back and forth, basically bantering with each other some. It feels yucky not knowing what his intentions are or if I will see him again soon. I am working on the circular dating though! I went out with a guy im friends with last night and tonight I have a coffee date. Heres another question though. Do we tell the guys about our dates with other guys? And if so, how?

Wednesday, 21 October 2009 @ 2:01pm

26: Rori Raye says:

Deirdre, Welcome – and here’s your answer:
At some point he said “so no being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

That’s exactly it. You have to talk to HIM in HIS language about HIS timeline. Ask him what a girlfriend is to him, and how that works on the road to being engaged, and how you can keep from putting pressure on the relationship if you’re exclusive and you’re looking to be married, not to just being a girlfriend. Talk. Tell the truth. Love, Rori

Thursday, 22 October 2009 @ 10:33pm

Have The Relationship You Want