If you’re doing great with a man but his ex is always in the picture, this letter from Martine with my answer is for you:
“Rori, I’m dating a lovely man….I hope…..and we decided that we weren’t doing sex until we were ready to work on a commitment. He lives about 150 miles from me …so it has been a long distance relationship. His grandson lives in my town. Our first date lasted 3 days….he got a hotel room and we went out Fri night, sat day…then night…and then again on sun.
We’ve been with each other every weekend and we have a blast….here’s the problem…when I was at his house last time, his ex-girlfriend started calling and emailing. He started explaining about their torturous relationship…and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. He talked about her quite a bit.
Finally I told him that it made me uncomfortable…he agreed, and he stopped. I just found out today that he’s seen her twice….as friends….she calls him to help her with stuff…and he goes. He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. He didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked. I told him we’d have to talk later because I was feeling upset and I needed to think……help!!! Martine”
Martine – so sorry about this.
He sounds great, but you’re stuck in something he won’t do anything about until he’s good and ready – and that’s not now.
Here’s what I say – he’s into this woman who NEEDS him. For whatever reason.
He may LIKE that feeling of being needed (most men love being the Knight In Shining Armor) – perhaps this is a wake up call for you.
Are you holding back? Are you deliberately not showing him your “weaknesses” and “flaws”?
What needs to happen is for you to stop holding back and cry, use Feeling Messages constantly, tell him the truth of how you feel, and say, straight out, something like:
“I don’t want to share you with any woman, it feels terrible – not even a friend – it makes me feel jealous and I don’t like feeling jealous, so it feels challenging for me to feel trusting enough to really open up to you. And on the other hand, I know she’s a friend, you have history with her, and you’re a good man and don’t want to not help her when she needs you – and so I feel kind of stuck here and don’t know what to do…What do you think?”
The truth is – while you’re “working” towards commitment – you’re truly only dating. And so I hope you’re using Circular Dating at least as a therapeutic technique out in the world – interacting with other men (even if you’re not actually “going out with them” to keep you sane until the relationship feels more solid with him.