What to Do If His Ex is Still Hanging Around and Needs Him All the Time

If you’re doing great with a man but his ex is always in the picture, this letter from Martine with my answer is for you:

“Rori, I’m dating a lovely man….I hope…..and we decided that we weren’t doing sex until we were ready to work on a commitment. He lives about 150 miles from me …so it has been a long distance relationship. His grandson lives in my town. Our first date lasted 3 days….he got a hotel room and we went out Fri night, sat day…then night…and then again on sun.

We’ve been with each other every weekend and we have a blast….here’s the problem…when I was at his house last time, his ex-girlfriend started calling and emailing. He started explaining about their torturous relationship…and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. He talked about her quite a bit.

Finally I told him that it made me uncomfortable…he agreed, and he stopped. I just found out today that he’s seen her twice….as friends….she calls him to help her with stuff…and he goes. He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. He didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked. I told him we’d have to talk later because I was feeling upset and I needed to think……help!!! Martine”

My Answer:

Martine – so sorry about this.

He sounds great, but you’re stuck in something he won’t do anything about until he’s good and ready – and that’s not now.

Here’s what I say – he’s into this woman who NEEDS him. For whatever reason.

He may LIKE that feeling of being needed (most men love being the Knight In Shining Armor) – perhaps this is a wake up call for you.

Are you holding back?  Are you deliberately not showing him your “weaknesses” and “flaws”?

What needs to happen is for you to stop holding back and cry, use Feeling Messages constantly, tell him the truth of how you feel, and say, straight out, something like:

“I don’t want to share you with any woman, it feels terrible – not even a friend – it makes me feel jealous and I don’t like feeling jealous, so it feels challenging for me to feel trusting enough to really open up to you.  And on the other hand, I know she’s a friend, you have history with her, and you’re a good man and don’t want to not help her when she needs you  – and so I feel kind of stuck here and don’t know what to do…What do you think?”

The truth is – while you’re “working” towards commitment – you’re truly only dating.  And so I hope you’re using Circular Dating at least as a therapeutic technique out in the world – interacting with other men (even if you’re not actually “going out with them” to keep you sane until the relationship feels more solid with him.

Love, Rori

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806 Comments to “What to Do If His Ex is Still Hanging Around and Needs Him All the Time”

  1. 1: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Oh gosh, I have to get past my resistance of crying in front of a man

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:57am

  2. 2: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    What happens when it is a self-sufficient man who has a past when a needy woman and he suggests he does not want to be in a situation with anyone who is needy?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:02am

  3. 3: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I have experienced this issue not with EXs but female friends. Sometimes his desire to “help out” feels like too much. It makes me uncomfortable when he gives a lot of his energy to other women.

    Perhaps I should allow him to be needed by me a little more? But I’m confused because I don’t want to be too needy. Wasn’t that part of our problem? Hmm…. I’m wondering how this applies to me?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:12am

  4. 4: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    @FP Right. Crying is only natural. But don’t overdo it. Most men see too much crying as a female tool to manipulate them. And that doesn’t go down well. Almost nobody wants his girlfriend/wife to create a daily drama.

    @Rori: There’s a comment hanging in the moderation queue of the previous thread (maybe it was too long, dunno). Could u give it an up or down vote, please? Thanks!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:15am

  5. 5: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    To me, these two things say it all:

    “and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. He talked about her quite a bit.”

    and this:

    “He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. He didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked.”

    Looks to me like this guy is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like them enough to stay with them. In other words, he’ll do anything for her because he feels bad but he’ll also break up with her a zillion times. He’ll be at her beck and call whenever she needs anything but he’ll also talk bad about her behind her back (ie…telling you she’s a manipulator. I’m assuming that’s how Martine is aware of this anyway. Unless she’s met the woman…I’m reading into that part and assuming they have not met).

    In my opinion, if Martine cries and uses feeling messages and shows how much she needs him, he’ll come to her too. But he’ll treat her the same way he’s treating his ex. She’ll still have to share….he just won’t tell her (as he’s done in the past) and the needier she gets, the more he’s going to repeat his pattern This guy is too “nice” to completely break it off from a woman who is needy but he does move on to other women…just won’t move totally on. I’m thinking the right woman for him is going to have to be confident enough to share him with the ex because I doubt he’ll leave her and I’m positive he’ll hide it if he thinks he should.

    I’m sure his heart is in the right place. He seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t want to hurt anyone and so he’ll do whatever they want if he thinks they’re hurting…or he’ll pretend to. A man who is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like needy women will have the same struggles as a woman who keeps attracting toxic men but doesn’t want a toxic man.

    Tough stuff because I’m pretty sure if it were me, I’d move on.

    Much Love,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:18am

  6. 6: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LD from the previous thread….

    How about this…Tell yourself..

    ” I love how comfortable and lived in my house feels.. it makes everyone who comes in feel like they are safe to relax… feels like home.. sanctuary… I love how my mother’s up-tight beliefs about cleaning STOPPED with me.. I will not pass them on to my children.. they will know how to live a balanced life… I love how I can live a balanced life… my house in it’s middle of the road cleanliness is balanced… people do not feel uncomfortable in my house… either because it’s so dirty they’re afraid to touch any thing.. Or too CLEAN they are afraid to… it’s just perfect…I love me for being able to provide such a comfortable home for my family and our guests”…

    Hotarmyguy is going to melt when he passes thru your door.. enjoy… thank your mom (in your head) for teaching you how to clean, then thank yourself for being strong enough to find your own truth about house cleaning….

    Just my 2 cents worth… lol

    Angels on your body.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:23am

  7. 7: LDNo Gravatar says:

    OMG PG!

    That was beautiful! You’re making me cry now as I have been doing alot of that lately. I’m so freaking emotional these days!!!!!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:33am

  8. 8: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I am getting nervous about CuteHarleyDude already. Ourt chemistry was very strong and it is freaking me out. He is very sexual and I already told him how I’ve done the “early sex” thing and it never works out for me and he understood. He has been sending me very sweet texts over the weekend and calling me, but there is sex talk mixed in with that as well. We didn’t go to the movies over the weekend – we were supposed to go on Saturday but I asked if we could reschedule to Sunday, then on Sunday he asked to reschedule to Tuesday. (I’m ok with the rescheduling).

    LD – you were talking about MinisterCD and the sex talk – tell me, how did you handle that? I am a sexual person too, and I totally feel how my heart can take over and override my head on this one and give in but I want to do this one right…

    I’m also thinking that my power is shifting over to him where before I was liking how I was thinking that I was a siren and he is just a man. Ugh, this weekend I was riding the top of the wave and now I already feel me floating down.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:34am

  9. 9: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome response Prairie Girl!!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:35am

  10. 10: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    7: LD

    You KNOW him, Sister. You can feel it all the way down to your toes. HotArmyGuy isn’t the kind of man who is going to judge you on your beautifully, warm, comfortable, HAPPY home. Just isn’t going to happen.

    Stop for a moment, breath and feel what your gut tells you..

    Cheering for you.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:37am

  11. 11: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I responded to you on the other thread….

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:38am

  12. 12: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    6: PG~

    This is good stuff!

    We are not our houses, our clutter, our favorite dust bunnies in the corner. We are our homes. Our hearts, our love for our children and our the people whose lives we bless and whose lives we bless.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:40am

  13. 13: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    that was sposed to say, who bless our lives.

    I think ya’ll get the point.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:41am

  14. 14: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Great post Rori…It reminded me of a few men …and I felt a smile coming through reminiscent of past memories …


    Beautiful strong wisdom(s) came out of your post…:) I loved your insight…this one stood up to me…


    ~He seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t want to hurt anyone and so he’ll do whatever they want if he thinks they’re hurting…or he’ll pretend to. A man who is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like needy women will have the same struggles as a woman who keeps attracting toxic men but doesn’t want a toxic man.”


    I dated someone like this…It is indeed a real struggle for men too…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:46am

  15. 15: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I told ministerCD:

    “I am a healthy, passionate woman. I feel turned on by you. I WANT to have sex with you, but I don’t feel comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship. I know it will complicate things for me emotionally, and I don’t feel I’m able to handle that yet. What do you think?”

    He seemed OK with that. I think they worry that maybe we’re not as ATTRACTED to them as they are to us, and once we assure them we are, they relax a little. They know women get emotionally attached from having sex, so when we remind them of this they usually understand.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:47am

  16. 16: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Elizabeth,

    I think you’re right, there’s alot going on here, which also explains the random crying. It feels good though to face the fears and let the emotions out even as scary as it is…

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:49am

  17. 17: LDNo Gravatar says:


    But then I went and had 4th date sex with HotArmyGuy with no speech! LOL

    But he didn’t bring sex into our conversations, so I think I’ve felt safe from the beginning that that’s not all he was interested in. I wasn’t sure about ministerCD, because after the first time we made out, that’s all he talked about.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:52am

  18. 18: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Now that I think of it there was a man in my life that seemed to like to be needed. He would come over and do things around the house for me including shoveling snow even when I didn’t ask; though to a certain extent it left me somewhat feeling obligated. What I did not like was the ex that always seemed to be around and last time her car was giving trouble he ended up taking her back and forth for work and when he got tired of that he loaned her his car. The thing I could not understand was she treated him badly but seemed committed to makiing his life miserable. I kicked him off my horse at the beginning of this year and told him never to call me again. I heard a rumor that went off and got married recently, a long distance situation.

    What I did not like about our dynamic was his tendency to use blame as in it’s your fault I woke up late because you didn’t call me. I am triggered by that type of thing because I grew up with it with my mother. He was also the type who would buy gifts to get your favor, really eewww for me because I was not invested. He also told me that he does not answer certain questions because he would always be wrong and he would always say “yes honey”. I don’t like the yes yes because I want to know when a person is angry so we can work through it. He showed his anger only once after I indicated that. One thing I remember is that he would follow me around like a puppy wanting to do things to please. I at times had to share with him that the attention was a bit overwhelming because he would call “all the time” morning and evening and we’d be on the phone for hours. He was a really phone romeo, clingy type of person. He taught me that I too need my space.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:54am

  19. 19: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lil,

    crying some more over all of the loving support on here!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:54am

  20. 20: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    16. LD, I know, it really does feel good to do that…

    LOL….I just thought of something a funny friend of mine says when she is complaining about her house looking like one of those tornadoes they’ve been having in the midwest USA hit it….

    “my house looks like a crack addict lives here!”

    I borrowed and have used that line, too!

    You’re gonna have a blast!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:58am

  21. 21: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Tinque’s beautiful heartfelt saying comes to mind…

    “Men heal through a woman’s heart…”

    Martine’s willingness to stay centered on herself, be authentic and real at all times with her feelings…express herself in feeling messages …can give this relationship an awesome chance…

    Wow…I feel so strong these days…and I sure feel good and sooo hopeful :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:59am

  22. 22: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    DE: Thank you so much! I know quite a few guys like this actually…a women tend to use them because they know the guy will always be there when they “need” them. Plus, women who want these men back know how to come up with all kinds of “emergencies” or excuses to call and ask him for something. If he stays too nice to walk away from her, then the woman in his life currently doesn’t have much choice except to share.

    The part about him not telling Martine about seeing this other woman is what scares me the most. It really does show with ACTIONS that not only isn’t he going to leave the ex, he’s going to hide it. I don’t like that. No matter what, the guy should be upfront and honest….not waiting for her to ask, but instead, just out there with the truth.

    I don’t know…I don’t like it though…

    Thanks for your kind words! I like when someone sees wisdom in what I write…that makes me happy!

    Much Love,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:01am

  23. 23: AanmfmayNo Gravatar says:

    I’m dating an army guy and although he is hot.. definitely hot in one area:) yum!! I would not describe him as hot:( Anyway whenever I read hotarmyguy I think it’s the same guy and he’s cheating on me!! Feels crazy and I hate it! Yuck! A little background: I was married to a cheater and I don’t wanna go there again ever.. yet in my getting triggered I’m sent right back to all those awful feelings and thots.. Gonna try and sink into the feelings.. I want to go logical, logistical, and probable about this but it doesn’t seem to affect my feelings? So feel, don’t think.. Also feel guilty for not thinking he’s hot and that someone else might tho..

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:02am

  24. 24: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    21. Hi Darling Ella,

    That feels good to hear that you are feeling strong and good and hopeful…

    I derive a lot of strength and courage and comfort and more…from reading and participating here


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:03am

  25. 25: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I hear ya on the wave…
    I HATE it when it shifts…I don’t have any great advice.. I’m still working on it myself..The only thing that helps me is when I have someone else to distract myself with… or something else sometimes works…sometimes…lol
    I too am very sexual.. I’ll even start to get turned off if there’s NO sexual references… I like guys that can do the perfect balance of talking about it…

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:05am

  26. 26: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I remember when I first came on the blog, every post I read I thought was about my ex and that every woman on the blog was dating him and having the same issues with him!

    It’s just because we all have similar stories and it triggers all of our past and present feelings.

    But just to ease your mind, HotArmyGuy is in NC and if you’re really worried it’s the same guy, feel free to email me off of here!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:06am

  27. 27: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW #18:

    I loved your post…many details…

    I could not help but tell myself…”wow, FW feels triggered quite a bit…there are indeed a few things to heal: feeling obligated…using blame…buying gifts to win me…

    and then I remembered my own experiences on these same topics…and I feel so grateful for having them healed…because I no longer feel upset about them…

    how did i heal them? Circular dating…meeting men and even women (not dating lol) – each recent encounter brought up unhealed triggers…but this time…i immediately check the source…me…checked to see if there is a boundary breach…check my feelings about it…choose my words…and gosh…express my feelings very quickly…

    Now, when these same issues come again…i feel smiley…and a big wave a compassion for the person in front me…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:14am

  28. 28: AanmfmayNo Gravatar says:

    Wow LD, thanks for that, I’m in TX:) I’m so happy to know others have gone thru and felt similar things and so appreciate all the beautiful support here!! Thank you so much!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:19am

  29. 29: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth #24:

    Thank you :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:20am

  30. 30: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LD #26:

    Gosh, I felt the exact same way…I literally was holding my breath sometimes…I felt anxiety reading some posts…and looking for details to confirm we were not dating the same man…awful feeling…these days, i feel so much more relieved of this burden…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:23am

  31. 31: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    HotAlphaMale circled back around. Hasn’t changed his tune. Haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and he still is wanting me to get together with him to have sex to see if we are compatible BEFORE he gets serious.

    This is the reason I booted him off my horse, and off my horse, he remains. There is no kind of FM or anything that works this way. I told him I felt disrespected and it went right over his head, completely ignored, to which he responded, invite me over.

    I told him that felt awful and wished him luck in his adventures.

    I feel dirty and need a shower.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:31am

  32. 32: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes #22:

    I so love your “worrier” and loyal spirit…to do always what’s right…:) This shows character to me…strong moral values…i also sense you are a woman of strong “principles”…I once shared fully your views…my twenties…:)

    I recall in my early thirties…the changes within me happened…and I once told a lady I admired…”The world needs people to stand for their principles…I just cannot afford do that at this time…” :)

    It’s a lot to share about my statement because it’s based on real experiences…

    These days, my reality is no longer black and white…I see a spectrum of colors…I feel comfort being within this spectrum…my potential feels overflowing of endless opportunities…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:35am

  33. 33: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    I have missed you all. I read up a bunch on the last blog post, but there’s no way I have time to catch up on all.

    Lilybelle, I have attempted to friend you from LD’s FB page. Anyone else that is FB friends with LD, I would be happy to be yours as well.

    PG, that blog header portrait of yours ought to be the cover of a steamy romance novel. It’s freaking gorgeous. If you are at all interested in Feng Shui though, I would like to suggest you find or create a photo of a loving couple! for your blog. The solitary image (intensely beautiful as it is) maybe part of what is keeping you solitary.

    Jilly, Mel, Lucy, Mercedes, LP, LD, FW, so cool to read all of you. I know there are a bunch I am missing mentioning, but my brain is full at the moment.

    I had a great date with my sweetie yesterday. I’m getting better at feeling messages with him. I brought up three things that I have felt some stuffing with and I did it in feeling messages. I was completely open and authentic even though it scares me half to death, I did it anyway.

    His responses made me feel heard, reassured and totally comfortable. I get that we are just dating and it’s all a gamble, but I’m really feeling safe with him. He is a big flirt and ordinarily that would trigger massive feelings of jealousy within me. Somehow, I feel secure – completely – maybe because of his consistent treatment of me?

    I am grateful for learning these tools. I totally pick and choose what resonates for me. I get that cd-ing is about changing my energy to be more focused on creating my own happiness.

    One thing I have learned and is evident from the post above – men LOVE to help women. They feel compelled to rescue. They want to fix things and make us happy. I have been extremely fearful to be vulnerable enough to accept help. My last cd pointed it out to me. So I have begun forcing myself to admit when I feel like I need help and accepting it when they step up.

    This is massive progress for me. the other day after a big bunch of help he put his arms around me and asked if I was starting to feel any better? I rested my head on his chest and melted and thanked him. I can’t remember ever feeling anything more than indifference from my ex when I needed comfort. It’s a brand new feeling to feel cared for in such a comforting and loving way.

    Missing you all and hoping I have more time for visits.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:39am

  34. 34: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 27 You might be right but this was someone I was sure was not the one. I was not physically attracted to him and was worried about leading him on. I had some good times with him and was aware that a mutual friend was trying to set us up. When we first connected my interest was getting him to reunite with his ex.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:39am

  35. 35: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I cannot tell you how often I used to scour the posts looking for some hint that some other siren’s man wasn’t the same guy I was dating or used to date. It’s so freeing to relax and let it all go and trust that if you think the guy in front of you is the best guy in the world, that he might be your guy but if not then that just means there’s one like him only better out there for you!

    I was telling Summerbaby last night that I can’t imagine that I was so hung up on my ex for so long or even IntenseChemistryGuy now that I see so many qualities I like in HotArmyGuy that those guys did not have. Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:40am

  36. 36: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    DE My intuition also told me that he lacked integrity because of some things I experienced with him. He however wanted to show me that I was totally worth to be treated well and I eventually relaxed into that. But my mother kept warning me about him because his history with women is not good.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:42am

  37. 37: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    “Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!”

    This statement is soooo powerful!!! Awesome…I feel sooo happy and really inspired reading about your progress and successes…

    Thank you for continuing to share the beautiful things…cause we certainly need that as well here on the blog :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:44am

  38. 38: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    I will send you an email with my name on FB. You will find me that way. :-)


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:45am

  39. 39: LDNo Gravatar says:


    Trust me, it is not all rainbows and kittens in my life. I have some bad days-REALLY bad days where the NVs SCREAM at me that I’m not worthy. I’ve waded through some really bad dates and had mini heartbreaks over some good ones that poofed on me. It’s hard work, but I feel stronger every day. Babysteps…

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:47am

  40. 40: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW #36:

    You said “he lacked integrity”…Rori’s program about labeling others shocked me…when we say “he lacks integrity”…it actually means somewhere hidden inside of us “we lack integrity”…

    when we say “he is a manipulator”…somehow inside us we hide very well also being a “manipulator”…etc…

    Pre Rori’s programs, I used to justify, explain myself quite a bit…someone’s integrity was an issue to me as well…and yet, when we have an agenda – e.g., you said in prior post “When we first connected my interest was getting him to reunite with his ex” – it diminishes our integrity as well…

    Just an observation …

    Hope you take this at heart…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:50am

  41. 41: KSNo Gravatar says:

    I feel left out. I wanna be FB friends with ya’ll too!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:51am

  42. 42: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Lol, I feel certain you have had your share of struggles, pain and dilemmas…

    This beautiful passage by Marianne Williamson deeply speaks to my heart:

    “~…when we are attacked, when the medicine is so bitter that it takes all our power not to crumble as we take it, what do we do then? Where is our solace? Someone once told me that the way peacock feathers are made is from peacocks eating thorns. What a beautiful image, that the harsh things we have to digest can contribute to our beauty.

    ~But not always. Only when open up enough to really take in the horror, oddly enough. Resistance and defense only make the error more real, and increase our pain.~”

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:59am

  43. 43: LDNo Gravatar says:



    I’ll give you my FB link

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:59am

  44. 44: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    LD, give KS mine too please!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:02am

  45. 45: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    DE: “…”The world needs people to stand for their principles…I just cannot afford do that at this time…”

    I like that! I’ve always pretty much had the opposite view for myself (I was once told on a mission trip “you did not bring enough money to save Mexico” but that didn’t stop me from trying…mostly because I didn’t think money was what was needed to fix it anyway). But I so admire those who can and will pull back and put things in perspective. For me, I’m happy to be this way but that doesn’t stop me from admiring those who have great qualities in different ways than I do. If we were all the same, we would be bored. (or at least I would. LOL Gotta have someone to give me a challenge sometimes…and I gotta have someone to challenge).

    I just turned 40 and still do what I do. Maybe my changes will come in my 50s or 60s…but I hope not…I like me the way I am. :-) I just don’t always fit in on blogs like this one because of my core being and the ways in which it is different than what you generally will find in a group of women. I fit better on political blogs but they don’t talk about relationships there. *sigh* maybe I’ll find the perfect balance blog somewhere. LOL

    By the way, I can sense you appreciate the way I am too…and for that, I say “thank you!” People who understand what makes me who I am are generally the most accepting of me on this blog. I smile when I think of you. :-)

    Much Love,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:04am

  46. 46: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes :

    “By the way, I can sense you appreciate the way I am too…and for that, I say “thank you!”

    You are welcome :) Yes, I do appreciate you and I also feel smiley…and I also have a problem with boredom…yet, not much of a debater these days…more of a feeler :)

    I am 38…pretty close in age :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:16am

  47. 47: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    35: LDNo Gravatar says:

    ……. It’s so freeing to relax and let it all go and trust that if you think the guy in front of you is the best guy in the world, that he might be your guy but if not then that just means there’s one like him only better out there for you!

    I was telling Summerbaby last night that I can’t imagine that I was so hung up on my ex for so long or even IntenseChemistryGuy now that I see so many qualities I like in HotArmyGuy that those guys did not have. Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!
    This is IT.. I feel it.. this is the lesson in trust…faith..hope.. that I’m needing to “get”..

    I was thinking of Rancherman this AM when I was working (I’m a quilter and he builds log furniture and is into photography on the side of ranching how UNUSUAL for a cowboy to be so creative too!)
    and how he’s so much of what I wanted …and blows EVERY one before him out of the water..

    All the ones I thought were so great I now see I was “settling” with..

    I try and tell myself to feel excited about what’s coming next if I couldn’t imagine there was anyone like RM the next one will make him feel like I was settling…I get this intellectually but it’s hard to believe.. ya know?

    How can better than you ever dreamed of get topped?

    I know, I know, it will… I’m preparing to be surprised… okay.. bracing for it now… I’m ready..lol… surprise me..


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:30am

  48. 48: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie girl – wow! You took that awesome picture at the top of your blog! Amazing!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:31am

  49. 49: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I’m Lilybelle’s FB friend now so feel free to find me!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:34am

  50. 50: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:37am

  51. 51: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OHHHH SummerBaby…. I do believe in Fung Sheui …I can’t spell it.. but I believe in it…

    I feel very attached to that picture on top of my blog… aaarrrrhhhh!!!! Really? You think it’s creating a negative thing?


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:39am

  52. 52: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Stunning photos PG!

    I’m a prairie girl myself (western Canada) and really appreciate the peaceful beauty of the farm-scape.

    I’m out east now and miss it a great deal!

    I also LOVE to take nature/landscape photography and your work makes me feel warm and nostalgic. :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:43am

  53. 53: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl:

    Wow indeed :) I conquer with Daria and Mel…I feel full of admiration for your talents :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:56am

  54. 54: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for feeding me last evening.

    Thank you for showering me and brushing my teeth and hair.

    Thank you for giving me astragalus herb this morning.

    Thank you for vacuuming saturday.

    Thank you for doing EFT for me and ho’oponopono.

    Thank you for charging my phone.

    Thank you for waxing my legs. :)

    Thank you for taking me to the park yesterday.

    Thank you for sharing with mama.

    Thank you for picking wonderful flowers to honor mama for her name day.

    Thank you for giving me clean pjs to put on.

    Thank you for suggesting we go buy raw milk and other healthy food.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:58am

  55. 55: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    To me, the photo is a goddess gathering her power. There is spirit and life on the brown plain. She’s looking out her window.. Intensely. The goddess is creating powerful magic that absorbs her focus for now. This makes sure she will bring rain.

    Depth and energy shifting Are her powers

    Her man is somewhere near, behind her…

    A goddess does her powerful work while he provides

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:02am

  56. 56: TulipNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I feel triggered by this. If men love to help women and be the “knight”, why do they stop doing this in a relationship? This happened with my ex. He just went from fixing things for me and mending as a matter of course to not doing it even if I asked him to or saying that he would and just not ever getting round to it.

    I felt more saddened by that than any other thing at the time it was like I was not being looked after and protected. I was pretty self sufficient really but there were things I couldn’t do and couldn’t afford to pay someone to do… now I feel sad thinking about it.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:15am

  57. 57: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    55: Daria says:

    To me, the photo is a goddess gathering her power. There is spirit and life on the brown plain. She’s looking out her window.. Intensely. The goddess is creating powerful magic that absorbs her focus for now. This makes sure she will bring rain.

    Depth and energy shifting Are her powers

    Her man is somewhere near, behind her…

    A goddess does her powerful work while he provides

    Oh wow.. I got goose bumps reading that Daria… I love it…a LOT.. I’m gonna meditate on that.. if feels very powerful.. thank you..


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:24am

  58. 58: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you DE & Mel!
    That feels so nice to hear! Hugs to you both!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:27am

  59. 59: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl…I love that you’re into quilts/arts too. Quilts can tell a story yes? Feels really homey/authentic craft like! I looked for a contact you on your site to tell you how much I like it but now it’s being said here…yeah! I hope you do put a contact form on there too…

    and yes! to using all the artsy pix you’ve took.

    Happy how it all blends together, feels inspiring too!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:43am

  60. 60: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel some pain looking at the photo too… Perhaps the pain is cuddled… Slowly relaxed to unfurl, be washed and ointmented

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  61. 61: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Today feels like a breath of fresh air. Like a linnen scented spring breeze. Like a good day to feel powerful and DO – so I’m off. “Springing” into action…haha…

    and Tulip I agree and there’s more to be said along those lines, hope you get some good discussion!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:46am

  62. 62: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    About the photo – it looks like a form of what they call magical realism – and I think the point is she’s a pretty girly girl in a harsh landscape but because she is in the tree, she’s mastered it. It is evocative tho, and will speak to each of us differently more than likely…

    I was struck by the big nest -what’s in it??


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:48am

  63. 63: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 40 Well I said that because our mutual friend received a text from him that was meant for another woman during the period he was trying to convince me that I was the only one on his radar. The text was really explicit and for a male to share that with me because he himself was shocked about the info was something to pay attention to. That to me was not an arbitrary judgement. I understand where you are coming from thought and thank you because I do need to pay attention to those things.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:54am

  64. 64: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:


    I’m no expert on Feng Shui, just exploring it. The image IS incredibly powerful. I like Daria’s explanation of it.

    Would love to see more photos of yours… maybe explore the concept of two… doesn’t have to be two people.

    The last thing I wanna do is make you feel bad.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:55am

  65. 65: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 56 Could it be possible that something happened causing him to start feeling obligated in some way? Reason I ask is because I have heard CCarter suggesting something about expectations causing things to kind of lose their novelty for men. If they do things because they want to, then we start asking about it when they don’t it seems it is kind of understood that now they don’t have a choice and that takes away the wind from their sails.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:01am

  66. 66: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Re: 56, 65

    Or… perhaps you are not/were not expressing enough appreciation towards him for doing these things?

    Men like to make us happy, but if they don’t get “points” for their efforts, it can make them a bit apathetic I think.

    I know that is something I’m working on right now. Saying thank you for the little things, but also telling him how what he did made a difference for me.

    Eg). “Thanks so much for fixing my desk! My posture feels so much better that I’m not hunched over my keyboard. It makes such a big difference!”

    “Thank you so much for cleaning out the porch! It feels so peaceful to come into the house and see everything so tidy and organized!”

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:07am

  67. 67: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 40 I did share with him though that I was curious about why they could not get along and was willing to help if I could so there was no hidden agenda, he knew. I spoke about it several times so he was clear that I wanted to see them reunited. It is something that I have also done in the past with other people when they are struggling in their relationships and I was actually proud of myself about it. I was not romantically interested in him and have been able to relax. He was the one man in recent times that I cried in front of. With him it was easy for me to be a siren with because of the lack of interest and investment. I am aware though that I lack integrity in certain areas and am working on that. For instance I get on my kids case to clean up after themselves and keep their rooms tidy but mine is never as tidy as it should be.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:10am

  68. 68: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Mel, yes yes yes.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:12am

  69. 69: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I notice my energy draining out of me reading and/or thinking of what and why he or she might do…

    I finally get Rori strong suggestion to focus on my feelings …

    What he/she does and why…is no longer important to me…my boundaries will keep me protected…i have strong connection with my body and self…i intend to express them at all times…

    I thought about why J and I didn’t work out…it wasn’t about what he did or didn’t do…is about how I felt…

    I once answered…”I don’t respect him because what he did”…then, I realized I don’t respect him because I don’t respect myself…by allowing my own boundaries to be pushed and broken I did not respect myself…so, then I projected my anger/frustration towards him…

    I also thought about men who “stop” doing what they initially did…and how angry I felt…rejected, etc…and then, self honesty brought up how much I “changed” too…assuming to accommodate the relationship(s)…

    I feel suspicious of couples who “disappear” and become “loners”…I don’t believe there is joy in the relationship…I recall feeling embarrassed to be in his company in public…for different reasons (too much drinking, flirting, no sense of fashion, yep :(…yet, I didn’t express myself in a healthy way either…

    I fear unhealthy compromises…and “settling”…I intend to heal that fear…

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:25am

  70. 70: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella – wow I love your post! You sound so full of integrity and warm and soft !

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:31am

  71. 71: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you…It feels soo good to have your encouragement :) I feel very thankful for our talks :)

    Miss you :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:34am

  72. 72: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Re: LD (43)
    I feel left out too! Would you mind if I added you on FB?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:36am

  73. 73: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    hey Sirens!

    but DE you sound awesome! i agree…when couples disappear from the universe it’s like “huh?” or when a girlfriend gets into a new relationship and all of a sudden she starts changing and becoming different..feels bad :(

    i had a relationship where i stopped seeing my family as much and that felt bad…

    anyway…hotpilot called yesterday to “catch up” since he worked and then we said good night and then he called later on (i felt surprised but happy to hear from him again) and he said

    HIM: well…i just got off the phone with my mom..and she REALLY liked you..she just kept saying all these nice things about you and she thinks you are so funny …and so i wanted to call and tell you that.

    ME:awwww…i like that…i really liked your mom too..i felt really good and comfortable around your mom :)

    yay :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:52am

  74. 74: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Lil…i still couldn’t find it even without the . :( but i’m sure it’s great!! did you do a POF one? maybe i could find it on that…ill try again though :)

    my new form of CDing is nondatingCDing :)

    i’m still “CDing” my workout instructor (and i even introduced him and hotpilot whent we went on Friday lol) (i’ve had a crush on my instructor since i started but it was fine) and the guys that go there :) it feels fun and flirty and i’ll have plenty of “CDing” once i start work…i will be the only female on my crew this year…i’ve always had at least one other girl…but that’s ok ..i feel good about it :) i’m a boss now…what the???!!! lol

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:59am

  75. 75: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    Don’t they say whatever you do, do not give up on the online dating thingy?

    Would you keep reminding me of that, please? I feel frustrated and wanting to give up. lol :-)

    I don’t get why you can’t see it. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:02pm

  76. 76: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    summberbaby and mali..you can add me from LD :)

    k i’m off to run some errands…

    has anyone here tried the WEN haircare products?? i feel curious…i want to try them..i spent last winter in NC and the humidity on my hair was amazing…in Utah it’s so dry and my hair is not as awesome as it was in NC or Hawaii for that matter :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:02pm

  77. 77: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly #73:

    Wow…you and LD are the Stars these days :) I love reading about it :)

    I feel glad to hear you felt a connection with his mom…they seem close to one another…that is a good thing for you too …a man that loves and respects his mother…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:05pm

  78. 78: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    LD and I are talking on the phone right now and would just like to say that since we are all anonymous here, we would like to respect all of our privacy and not mention the blog on any of our FB posts.

    Cuz this is a safe haven for us to post some very personal stuff and we don’t want some of our FB friends and family to be able to track the blog down and make the connection.

    Hope everyone is on the same page with this.

    Summerbaby and LD (she’s on phone with me)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:06pm

  79. 79: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    oh and KS too and PG :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:06pm

  80. 80: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby i totally agree with that…i was feeling a little nervous about that whole part

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:07pm

  81. 81: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Jilly I love reading your stories, I feel really happy for you.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:09pm

  82. 82: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I totally feel u :)

    Sometimes I so wished I could just share it will all my girls…but gosh, i feel mistrustful…I already shared it with a few of them…and I feel weird about it…haven’t heard from them since…:( To the contrary, I feel ignored and avoided…:(

    I think, the blog alone can create confusion and many misinterpretations…to fully understand the dynamics and the topics, a view of at least one program along with the ebook is a must…of course, an open mind to something so new and different is a must have :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:14pm

  83. 83: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, as a matter of fact I got it as a gift for Christmas…

    I am using the deep moisturizing one…the fig – since I got pretty heavy natural curls…I really like it :) It is also good for protecting your hair color.

    I have a few friends that swear by it :) We’ll see :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:18pm

  84. 84: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    Completely agree!!!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:27pm

  85. 85: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    DE it’s so heartbreaking when sharing with a friend leads to miscommunication or no communication. Hugs to you. I hate the feeling of being ignored.

    I’ve had a couple people here that I posted directly to that never replied. I’m unsure if I am projecting being ignored or if they really just don’t care for my style of communication or just plain don’t like me. I’ve got big issues with rejection, so I just try to let the feelings pass through me, because if someone doesn’t like you, there really isn’t anything more to do. I guess I just want everyone to like me and the truth is not everyone will.

    Anyway, please tell me more about this hair product like where you find it?


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:29pm

  86. 86: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby: I completely understand :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:35pm

  87. 87: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Well, I feel it was a mistake to share with two of them whom I work with…

    I noticed when I feel very excited about something…I want everyone I care about to know about it as well…yet, timing is not the same for everyone…

    That famous statement…”You can’t handle the truth!!!” really speaks to me when I think of some people in my life…

    So, I am now learning to pace my enthusiasm…and use wisdom about sharing certain information…

    Here is the site:


    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:37pm

  88. 88: ScarletNo Gravatar says:

    I used to have huge issues whenever any of my past boyfriends were still friends with their exes. But for me it was hard to separate whether or not I was the one that needed to work on my jealousy or if the guy was actually doing something wrong by hanging out or talking to an ex. Whenever I brought up the fact that it made me uncomfortable, the guy would just tell me that I was being too irrational because there was nothing going on between him and the ex. Since then I decided that I need to work on my jealousy rather than trying to control the guy and tell him what to do. I know it all stems from not feeling good enough and the fear that the guy can easily leave you. Rori’s programs and reading the blog have helped me tremendously but I know I still have a lot of work to do. Thankfully the guy I’m dating now never talks about his exes and says he never stays friends with an ex so I don’t have a problem there. I guess my question is, how can you tell whether you’re being too irrational and too demanding of the guy because of your own inner conflicts or whether the guy is trully doing something “wrong”?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:45pm

  89. 89: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hey rori!

    You have been an amazing eye opener into
    My life….. Thank you SO much.

    I wanted your thoughts on this:

    So, this post about the girl and her boyfriends ex
    Are really similar to what I just experienced. Only
    I cut him completely off, feeling as though he was toxic
    But I really wasn’t sure.
    He too, was in touch and texting the ex wife often. Our
    Story was he WAS persueing me, and was awesome
    At it! Gifts, compliments, always calling, coming over
    Helped me with my 3 yr old ( totally taking on a dad role)
    And then after 1 month we took a weekend trip, had an argument about something very trivial. Next day he said he wanted to just be friends.
    I said, that was not what I was looking for and that it was
    Not what I wanted. I backed way off. I never ” rowed the boat” before or after the break up…. He still called and called and wanted to get together.
    So confused for months after…… Finally realized he’s still in
    Love with his ex and I didn’t have a prayer with him until he
    Stopped those feelings for her.
    So last week I told him I wasn’t looking for a freind
    And that I would miss talking and being with him but that it was worth it to me in order to focus on myself my child and my future relationship.
    Well, he was livid and sent me nasty unkind emails. Calling me dramatic and silly and told me to even grow up !!!!!
    I have to admit, I feel empowered and strong and I don’t miss him, but do wonder if I made the right choice… All this time I’ve been dating online too.
    Is there a chance I did that wrong?
    Oh yah, we both decided to wait till we were married for sex. Bur we have major chemistry in the bedroom ….

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:45pm

  90. 90: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Re: the article. I agree with the direction Rori took it. Last wk my therapist said she thinks the reason TNman keeps coming back around to me is bc my vulnerability and softness make him feel needed and heroic. But he’s not quite emotionally available enough to “be there completely” for a fem energy woman even tho he is attracted to tht and loves me. So he is with someone who is more “cool” and “tough,” and it “works” – but he is still drawn to me, the vulnerable, teasable one he can teach and comfort.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 12:56pm

  91. 91: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ok real fast before i go… :)

    Lilybelle…k ill keep on ya about it 😉 do at least 2 sites to keep things flowing…we need movement lol

    DE and FP…thank you so much…it feels really good to be heard…i love sharing on here

    FP…it was making me smile when i read you were trying to help him get back together with his ex….you are such a good friend and supporter on and off the blog… :)

    DE..i’m the same way…if something is working for me and i feel super excited about it i want to tell the WORLD! and not everyone is interested :( oh well :)

    k i ordered the WEN stuff…i can’t wait for it to get here!!

    Scarlet…welcome :) i would communicate with my man about and if he didn’t try and make me feel better about it…or actually made me feel worse (red flag) then i would get deep into my feelings and see what my intuition was saying

    Annie…welcome :)…sounds like you did what you needed to do..totally rockstar… :)
    it feels good to read that you had/have boundaries with him..yay :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:04pm

  92. 92: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    DE, at one of my jobs recently I discovered that two of the women I work with are not happy with me. They have both been going to the manager with little tales about me and drama designed to get me in trouble for a very low paying job where the majority of the income is based on tips.

    Some of the stuff they are griping about has gone unnoticed for 2 years. The only thing I can think of for this sudden change in climate is that they routinely try to engage me in gossip. It is not my nature to gossip. I don’t care to be part of it.

    I tend to be overly blessed or cursed with empathy so I feel for all parties where the gossip is concerned. I also tend to think if they are talking that vehemently about so and so in my presence, then what are they saying about me when I am not there?

    I have enjoyed working there for the most part, but at some point when it starts to get petty it ceases to be fun. It’s also pretty weird when they go to the management when they could just as easily say something to me about how whatever it is I’m doing is bothering them.

    In some cases the issues are invented. Oh well. Guess I’ll be open to this or something better! If it works for being open to men, why not employment?


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:06pm

  93. 93: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    one more..

    Summerbaby..i feel bad too if someone doesn’t respond to me and i try not to take it personal…i love everyone and want everyone to love me lol not totally realistic but that’s ok :)

    so if i ever don’t respond to a post it’s because i havent seen it :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:07pm

  94. 94: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Scarlet #88:

    I relate to your confusions…I often felt the same way…

    To separate between the two I ask myself:

    What do I think of myself?
    Do I really accept everything about myself?

    If I don’t, it means there are areas to be nurtured/accepted/healed first…For example, some women wished they had a perfect body figure…or hair…or smile…At times, they feel triggered by other woman’s beauty and personality…and secretly they wished they had that too…

    So, we take each area, we acknowledge the “defect” or part we reject about our-self…baby it…give it a hug…talk to it…tell it you love it and accept anyway…Tapping is great on this :)

    Once I deal with my own triggers…then I began to notice…and when these feelings come up/are still triggered again in an interaction with someone by what he/she did or say…i immediately:

    Ask myself – is this a boundary issue? – i feel disrespected, uncomfortable, icky, unheard…

    Follow my feelings…yes, I confirm my feelings…i feel indeed disrespected…etc…

    Choose my words…make it about me…he/she has the right to say and do whatever…but SO DO I…

    I really feel power in statements like : I don’t like, I don’t want…etc…I love Daria’s feeling messages…often used very efficient to set boundaries as well…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:11pm

  95. 95: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s some stuff i felt interested in from Lance Mason – male pick up artist’s e-letter

    “__QUESTION__ Hey Lance, Hey man your stuff works great, I havetripled my success with women over the pastfew months just from reading yournewsletters. But I have one question. Sometimes I will betalking to girls, half the time not eventrying to pick them up, and they will say I’ma player, even if I just met them haha. It’s also really hard to tell if they aresaying it in a teasing way or not. When Italk to girls though I don’t tell them what Ido with other women, and I definitely don’tbrag or anything, but they will just tell methey get the player vibe from me… it’sweird. Now being thought of as a player might be okwith some guys but thats not really what Iwant girls to think of me as, if you couldtell me how not to give off the player vibebut still show confidence and what not, thatwould be great
    thank you Strat

    __MY COMMENTS__ Hey Strat, Congratulations on your newfound success. Ihope your letter inspires other guys to justget out and put into practice what I write.I don’t do this just to exercise my typingfingers. And because you are getting out, you hit oneof the first problems guys run into. Beinglabeled a player. This is actually a success milestone inlearning these skills. When a woman calls you a player, it means oneof two things…

    1. She’s testing you to see if you are forreal (attraction)

    2. She doesn’t FEEL a connection with you,she likes you, and doesn’t want to be a notchon your bedpost. (rapport)

    If you are still building attraction and agirls says this… cool, that means “it’s on”and she wants to play. Banter with her. DoNOT get logical or defensive. If you doyou’ll blow it.

    If you know a girl is already attracted (usethe hand test), and you’ve been talking toher awhile when she calls you a player… sheis saying “hey I want to get to know you on adeeper level”. It’s time to share some of your life with herso she can CONNECT with you.

    Do this, andshe’ll be able to give herself permission tosleep with you. Keep up the good work, you are on the path tothe kind of life most guys will only dreamabout.

    __QUESTION__ Hi Lance, I am on the brink of a relationship and Iactually don’t mind having a singlerelationship because I really like this girl.Is it normal to lose some desire to go outand socialize with girls? Because the otherside of me wants to keep developing my skillsthat got me to where I am but at the sametime maybe this girl I’m seeing is reducingmy desire. What should I do? Thanks, Jeremy Melbourne, Australia

    __MY COMMENTS__ Hi Jeremy, The words we use can say a lot. Like “brinkof a relationship” Here’s a definition of brink: 1. the edge or margin of a steep place orof land bordering water. 2. any extreme edge; verge. 3. a crucial or critical point, esp. of asituation or state beyond which success orcatastrophe occurs: We were on the brink ofwar.

    Not a very uplifting way to describe startinga relationship is it? Then you said, “the other side of me wants tokeep developing my skills” Now I haven’t met you, but I’d say it’s asafe bet you do NOT really want to be in thisrelationship, and it’s causing you conflict. So before you jump off the edge here’ssomething to ponder…

    There is no rule that says being in arelationship means you don’t flirt and datewith other women. It’s some sort of myth we all buy into, whenthe truth is, YOU define each relationshipwith a woman. You can date a woman for a long time withoutbeing exclusive and monogamous, as long asyou never agree to be exclusive and you setup the relationship that way. So you can be in a relationship with thiswomen AND continue to refine your skills.

    Isuggest you date her and a few other girlsfor awhile. In fact I recommend it as a wayto learn how to make relationships work. But I would really get clear in your head ifyou want to be with this women first.

    Thendecide what you want the relationship to looklike. Women will respond to how you set the patternof the relationship. The choice is yours. Good luck! Okay, that’s it for now – I hope you’velearned something. More importantly, I hope you USE IT. Cheers,Lance Mason”

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:11pm

  96. 96: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:


    I also tried not to take it personal, but after the third post to the same person and others were replied to but mine not, I started to doubt myself.

    I still have no real evidence of someone saying, don’t talk to me, but it didn’t feel good. I could just be really insecure about this and I would be happy to learn I was wrong in this instance.

    I’m glad all of us that are adding FB are on the same page.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:19pm

  97. 97: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens…

    This article resonates with me, but I’m the ex. My ex still helps me a lot financially, he says it’s for the girls, but it helps me too obviously. For example, I need a new dryer, so he’s buying me one. I didn’t ask for one, he just knows I need one, and instead of wanting me to get it fixed (it’s OLD), he is getting me a new one. He makes about triple what I do… so if he wants to help, I’m not turing it down. :) He’s still flirty and attentive, and I know it sounds crazy, but it works for us. When we can keep things light and playful, we get along so much better. He keeps his hands to himself when I’m dating someone for the most part, but not otherwise. The bad part is that HE is engaged. She doesn’t like it that he texts me so much, and I heard this from family, and I don’t blame her. The thing is though, there has been a lot more than texting that she could be upset about, but I haven’t said anything. Not my place and she wouldn’t believe me.

    My gut instinct is that they are breaking up. He’s deploying again, and she didn’t come up this weekend, nor will be up next weekend over Easter when he’s home again. He lives in upstate NY and she lives in DC. He doesn’t talk about her, asked about taking the girls on vacation again before he goes, and I asked if Jen was going and he said probably not. My girls like her, but have repeatedly said they liked it better when she was just his girlfriend, don’t want them to get married, have kids, etc. She seems like a nice girl, but I haven’t spent that much time with her. I liked her better when my girls were happy having her around. His family doesn’t think they should get married, and tell me about it, like I can do anything!

    I guess my point is, if your gut instinct is telling you there is something going on between him and the ex, don’t dismiss it. We have a lot of history, hard to let all that go. We had a very passionate relationship, and he likes to remind me of that. As if it’s ok, because he’s not married yet. He steps WAY over the boundry.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:24pm

  98. 98: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #95:

    Wow…I never read man dating blogs…thank u for sharing…interesting…

    Somehow I feel relieved…:) It feels like I am finally catching up to a world of men allowed and encouraged by society to flirt, be uncommitted, etc…:)

    No wonder they would like Rori’s Circular Dating concept undermined…hmm…we are beating them at their own game…but we use our hearts instead …:) 10 times more powerful ~”Our hearts are the emotional centers of our bodies, and they put out frequencies that are 10 times the power of the frequencies of our brains.~”

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:25pm

  99. 99: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby RE:78, I completely agree. I have used my real name here, my picture is up, wouldn’t want people from FB to come here and find my posts. Look at the example above, yikes!!!

    Sorry you felt ignored. I hope it wasn’t me. :( Sometimes I scan over the posts because there are so many to catch up on.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:29pm

  100. 100: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    noticing i feel scared when people talk about others not responding

    is it me? i feel afraid of being judged,

    i know i don’t respond sometimes, if something triggers me and i don’t want to talk at that point, or if i feel overwhelmed…

    i feel resentful… when i think … “people don’t usually respond to my posts either, or help me when it would feel nice to have help”

    (i wonder what this resentment is about? i’d like to heal this)

    and i often find the help for myself in aha moments of reading others’ or letting my intuition speak

    i don’t look for responses to my posts. i use the silence as response that i will soon be finding my own answer magically, and maybe not in the avenue i was attached to receiving it

    i feel triggered and angry hearing others make judgements about why their posts aren’t answered… grrr… this means i do this too… aha…

    very helpful.. i’d like to heal this trigger now.. thank you

    i feel afraid of being controlled – OBLIGATED to answer someone … this is a pattern in my family

    i do NOT have to answer questions i’m asked

    i choose what words to share of myself

    i feel afraid

    i feel afraid of being alone, of not being liked

    i love me and i have my back

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:31pm

  101. 101: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby, sorry to hear about your work drama, I didn’t realize how much men gossip until my job I have now. I work for a contracting company, and it’s almost all men, just me and one other woman, but there is so much gossip and drama! I hope it passes soon for you or you find a new job you feel positive about :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:34pm

  102. 102: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I like you and I like your posts. I don’t respond to all of them cuz sometimes you’re riffing and it doesn’t seem to need a response.

    I didn’t think I was being judgmental, in fact I said I would like to be wrong about this. I know it’s my stuff and not everyone has time or energy to answer all the posts even ones directed at them.

    I feel sorry I brought it up if it’s an issue that’s going to bother everyone or everyone is going to think it’s them.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:36pm

  103. 103: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby – or anyone – if you addressed me and I didn’t respond I either missed it or was unable to write (when threads get too long I can’t write) and could’ve forgotten about it later. I am not purposely ignoring anyone. <3 Lucy

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:39pm

  104. 104: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Lucy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ignore anyone on here :)

    It’s ok Summerbaby, don’t worry. It’s good to post about how you feel. What we are here to do!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:44pm

  105. 105: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    summerbaby – i like you too…

    this feels a bit weird… [if theres something to be “wrong” about, theres a judgement involved – my masculine thought]

    and i feel uncomfortable reading that you’re sorry you brought this up

    i don’t feel safe when someone apologizes for sharing how they felt

    i feel scared that i will push them away when i express my feelings

    or that they won’t be able to hear and honor MY feelings when i’m not feeling happy

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  106. 106: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:


    thank you for your replies. I really liked your perspective of being the ex that is being texted. It sounds more like he’s texting you and initiating than the other way around.

    Also with children, it’s kind of inevitable that you are going to be in each other’s lives. You are one of my preferred colors, btw. 😉

    Jilly nice to have you on FB now. Mali, look forward to adding you soon, too.

    I’m kinda sorry I brought up the no response feeling ignored/rejected post. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone feeling bad or being triggered.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  107. 107: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    wow, I actually feel a lump in my throat over this. okay, more than one said go ahead and express my feelings.

    I want to heal this. I think I will go try some EFT on feeling rejected/ignored and then turning other people’s triggers into judgment about me. Summerbaby, you don’t have to believe everything you think!

    thanks for being there for me.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:51pm

  108. 108: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    What does EFT mean anyways? I see it written all the time…lol.

    Thanks Summerbaby :) You are my favorite time of year :)

    Yeah, leaving work a whole 5 min. early, and I love it!!!

    Oh and yes, he initiates, sometimes I’ll give him a hug, but that is as much as I initiate.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:55pm

  109. 109: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby – i feel afraid to share this… im feeling triggered.

    it feels weird to think that you have some control over how I feel …

    as in your sharing your truth and feelings would make me feel bad or good…

    i believe that i cannot REALLY control how others feel

    but i feel “punished” in a way for speaking up, when i hear you say you are sorry… “punished” as in i feel lonely and afraid and clingy… and i feel like running after you and saying please don’t go, don’t move away from me…

    my mirror is i guess that’s how you feel about having said the original…

    this trigger feels weird

    i feel so uncomfortable to talk about how i feel in this situation i can barely “touch” it

    i feel vague, confused… i feel anger… i feel like blaming YOU and judging YOU

    and i know this means for me that this is a deep trigger that has nothing much to do with you but very much to do with me and a pattern of relating i hold

    maybe even from before i had words (the vagueness)

    i love my feelings

    and that feels like

    a big breath

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:55pm

  110. 110: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    59: Jacqueline says:

    Prairie Girl…I love that you’re into quilts/arts too. Quilts can tell a story yes? Feels really homey/authentic craft like! I looked for a contact you on your site to tell you how much I like it but now it’s being said here…yeah! I hope you do put a contact form on there too…

    and yes! to using all the artsy pix you’ve took.

    Happy how it all blends together, feels inspiring too
    Thank you Jacqueline!
    I guess I haven’t put any contact info there since I get notices of any comments made..
    Here’s my email….

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 1:58pm

  111. 111: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    64: SummerBaby
    Oh you didn’t make me feel bad!!!!!! Not at all! And I love the idea of finding “twos”… I’m peculating on that as I speak…
    Thank you!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:02pm

  112. 112: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I too feel uncomfortable when someone is apologetic about their feelings…:( I wonder if they wished I would be apologetic about some of the things I say sometimes…However, I noticed it feels good as in powerful when someone owns the good and the bad of what they share…

    You said “I guess I just want everyone to like me and the truth is not everyone will.”…Self-acceptance is very important…as long as I feel the need to belong to a group…I loose my sense of self…

    I feel resistant to this notion…weird…as I type this I realize…I like the statement…”I stand alone”…because it gives me a sense of feeling brave and powerful…hmm…maybe there is something for me to look into…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:04pm

  113. 113: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    ok i haven’t left yet…i have just been preparing yummy healthy food for the week..

    thank you Jilly for eating red, orange and yellow bell peppers instead of chips :) (even though i dipped in Ranch dressing :)

    i love my blog name and calling myself by my blog name…it feels fun lol

    Daria…Brilliant post…109 felt super authentic and deep

    Summerbaby i felt sad when i saw you felt sorry for posting..
    anywho i thought you meant when you posted to a specific person and opologized if that specific person was me :) this is the universe of Jilly obviously 😉

    C…i’ll start calling you Turquoise on here if that feels better to you? :)…from your post above… that’s what i thought about hotpilot…what if he read all i posted about our sex!! that would get crazy!! yikes for me too :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:12pm

  114. 114: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Camille, What are your boundaries with your ex? If he’s engaged, is he off limits? Something is bothering me about this.

    Hmmm… where am I wishy-washy about my boundaries with my ex? That totally jumped out at me. Why?

    He’s married now. He’s off limits. I am going to CD him (aka interaction only) but I don’t want to cross any physical barriers.

    Ok, this is weird. I feel turned on. What the hell…

    Haha. Man I can no longer have = man who turns me on. T’is jacked up. Just sayin.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:13pm

  115. 115: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – EFT is emotional freedom technique which is based on rapid eye movement therapy originally called /Thought Field Therapy. Lots of videos on youtube and a man I interviewed about it has a site called EFT down under. My original blog partner was Australian and she got a huge healing/help out of using it. Daria’s to some great links too.

    Weird how the conversation is mirroring my thoughts today….

    Prairie Girl I found you!!! get along, get along…the reason I mentioned it is there’s this blog grader thing at hubspot and you get a higher grade if you have a contact form – don’t know how into it you want to get.

    I love my blog for my hobby, once I started thinking of it like that, it felt way more joyful and fun and I attracted lots of guests posters and free stuff.

    Very cool!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:18pm

  116. 116: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby Re:92

    I felt for you when reading this. *hugs*
    I also have a deep empathy for people. When I get upset with a person, I can’t remain upset for too long, and any sign of vulnerability on their part would immediately banish any ill feelings I had towards them.

    I work part time at a fast food restaurant while I’m studying part time at college, and as I know I’ll leave my job this coming September once I’m at university (and money is coming in from my loan), I don’t bother getting too involved with my job. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel upset when I’m not treated with the respect I deserve. I become upset and sad, I feel unappreciated when people shout at me because of long queues. I feel trapped, because I’m in a job which I know is beneath me. And I come home sometimes with such a bad vibe… but it soon evaporates.
    And then there’s the fact that many of the men who work there, like me. Too bad I don’t like them!
    I soon forget about the troubles, however I know it must be a lot more difficult for you. Have you spoken to the management team about your issues and concerns? It feels strange, considering having to do something that would be classed as “masculine” so you can feel better…
    And your feelings are your feelings- you don’t need to rationalise or understand them to give them more validity <3 I tend to do that myself and try to stop myself. Ultimately, this is how I feel, and I have no control over it. I too feel sad when my posts aren't replied to.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:21pm

  117. 117: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    TULIP – I hope you’re still here? I promised you a discussion. For me, I’ve found this happens sometimes 6 years into a relationship sometimes 3 months sometimes….well it happens.

    And it usually signals the beginning of the end.

    When a man is into you, he’s trying to make you happy – for them, it usually translates into DOING something for you –

    And my guy’s still doing this so I feel confident he’s involved and invested…

    but there’s some kind of switch that when they feel they’ve given you their best shot – and it might be a very lame best shot – and you haven’t accepted it, you haven’t become “happy”….at some point they just quit. give up. I used to think they’d just keep trying, but experience has proven differently….

    and it’s also shown me that the quit button is not like when they’ve done what I’ve asked – like don’t be late, or call at such and such time – the quit button is just unique to a man.

    Maybe he measures you at the very start and figures out exactly how much he’ll do to keep you and then…quit?

    or maybe he tries and tries and fails and fails…and then…quit.

    I don’t know what the trigger is, but I do know it happens.

    And I’ve seen plenty of guys who are more likely to be knights in shining armour to complete strangers than they are to their supposed beloved.

    The trick is to keep them trying? or to notice when they stop?

    Hope you’re still around!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:29pm

  118. 118: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Soooooo true. Never thought about this but reading it was so eye opening. WOW. Thanks. :)

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:32pm

  119. 119: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline! I got it!
    You know.. I really just write my blog as a travel log of my journey and have been really kinda private about who I even give the address too…

    I don’t mind strangers reading it, but don’t really want everyone who knows me like my ex-hub and his family.. the one who broke my heart and reason I started it.. his other woman.. his daughter who has me listed as her sister on FB.. teenagers in my life I have to “boss” around, reading it. Does that make sense?

    So I haven’t been too eager to have more people find it.. but maybe that’s not the right attitude to have…

    It felt better than writing in a journal because I have this desire to find an answer… heal.. get better because I know that someone else might read it.. I didn’t have that when I just wrote in a journal..

    Angels on your body..

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:41pm

  120. 120: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    KS – I’m your friend on FB!!! and just yesterday showed my guy your pix and said isn’t she swoon….beautiful?! xoxo

    PG – yeah, I had to ban my guy from reading mine – I think Rori bans her husband too?….smile

    and OMGOSH OMGOSH…some friend of a friend in Australia just posted a pix of fantasy art of Supernatural boys…I’ve got to make THAT my screensaver quick!!! Wow, oh wow…now if they would only do Castiel…be still my beating heart….rofl…

    Everyone have a good one!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 2:50pm

  121. 121: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “And I’ve seen plenty of guys who are more likely to be knights in shining armour to complete strangers than they are to their supposed beloved.” (J)

    My marriage in a nutshell.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:03pm

  122. 122: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    But I have to say, now that we’re not married, he’s become more of a knight to me. Lol.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:04pm

  123. 123: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I have no problem crying in front of a man. But I like this ‘I feel stuck here. I don’t know what to do.’ I could’ve used that in soooo many situations with men.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:20pm

  124. 124: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, “I don’t know what to do” has been going over Very well with my ex-h, especially as we negotiate our divorce!

    Did you see my note to you about a guy I know who you might like?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:25pm

  125. 125: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I felt smiley seeing a new photo on fb that WH was tagged in, just came through my news feed (no stalking!) I still feel very attracted to him, but I did notice his face is getting a little chubby, and I feel curious about why.

    I looked at something else on fb, then back to my news feed — and the pic was Gone! Lol. I’m guessing maybe he saw it and didn’t like his chubby face broadcasted on fb (it was him out with 2 guy friends; posted by friend).

    Just sharing this bc it felt fun and interesting to me… I am aware that it means nothing in the grand scheme of everything.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:33pm

  126. 126: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face and just wanted to share a brilliant moment of breakthrough with you wonderful women.

    I “get it”. I can see now that I haven’t every trusted a man or anyone because I haven’t been trusting myself. I really haven’t been taking care of myself. I have set boundaries for years but never held them. I would cave when the arguments got long enough or loud enough. I have SO taught people how to control me and I have allowed it. It isn’t their FAULT and it isn’t my FAULT. It just has been the way it has been.

    In REALLY letting go of controlling him and controlling the outcome I have gotten so confused. And in staying up in my head, i have been buying the confusing stories I have been spinning there.

    In all this practicing of getting out of my head and into my feelings, I can finally FEEL the nervous butterflies and feeling of wanting to throw up when I have MET MY OWN boundary limit. HOLY MOLY. THERE IT IS! That’s my boundary limit. Now the choice is choose YOU or ME. Not try and MAKE you honor it.

    Wow. Thank you Rory for your tools. Thank you ME for not fully understanding them and still TRUSTING in the process and practicing.

    I intend to continue to honor me and my boundaries.

    I intend to feel good.

    I intend to have a relationship that makes me feel good.

    I intend to love and take care of myself always.

    I intend to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop blaming when I am unhappy on others.

    Thank you for listening. I feel good. I feel bliss. I feel scared too. And it’s good.

    I am in love with this moment.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:34pm

  127. 127: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Lady #126:

    Wow…I feel happy to be a part of your intense, happy experience…:) I’ve experienced many Eureka moments myself as well here on the blog :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:48pm

  128. 128: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    beautiful Angel Lady…


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:52pm

  129. 129: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    @126, Yes I agree congrats I know that feeling, Like you finally understand yourself now…The “aha” moment :) I am glad you shared makes me smile..

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 3:58pm

  130. 130: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Angel lady – thank you for sharing.

    i feel inspired by the nervous butterflies and feeling of wanting to throw up that you mention … i will be more able to notice these and then realize – boundary limit

    thank you

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:08pm

  131. 131: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Lady, I feel smiley and excited reading that. I am at a similar place. My difficulty is in knowing what to do when my boundaries aren’t respected – basically, knowing when and how to “walk away” and having the strength to do it. Thanks for sharing your insights. <3

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:12pm

  132. 132: Lost LoverNo Gravatar says:

    I need help horribly, I am deeply in love with my best friend and I am doing every possible thing wrong, I think of them day and night, they control my thoughts, my actions, even my friends! The worst part of it is that I wouldn’t mind being controlled if we were actually dating but they are fooling around with their ex and not spending any time on me at all! I don’t know what to do anymore I have gone a total of three days without talking to this person and it is killing me inside. All of my friends are worried about me because they took their ex to senior prom and I wound up in a mental ward on the night of prom for attempted suicide. I know I must seem like a kid with a lot to learn about love but I know love… and I am desperately in love and have no idea how to make them love me back or at least give me the compassion I deserve. Controlling my life while keeping me in the friend zone is just wrong!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:13pm

  133. 133: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Aw,(((HUGS))) Lost Lover. <3 Lucy

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:19pm

  134. 134: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. thank you all for acknowledging and responding to me. I understand even more now why I am compelled to be here and share myself. Makes me feel so good!

    Also some insight for me on what compells men to want to be around and share… hmmm…

    Lucy – I hear you on that. That’s my next step too. lol. what is coming to me is that I just get to keep standing for ME. Don’t EXPECT someone else to respect my boundaries if I keep moving them. Set them and keep them is what I need to do and let the chips fall where they may. I think this is the letting go of the outcome thing. That’s what I am seeing right now. It feel so damn scary. I think that’s why I have spent so much time mad and trying to control others and how they treat me. To keep these crazy and huge feelings at bay. Then I can blame them instead of me.

    I am finding too that I am always trying to control by deciding if and when to ‘walk away’ as well. Maybe that’s not entirely up to me as much as I think. If I just keep taking care of me like I see it right now. People will come and go on their own accord based on if they are FITTING in my life or not.

    Feels weird to look at it like that for me. Sooo out of control… But I am going to sit with it and try it for the week and see how it goes.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:20pm

  135. 135: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, and thank you. But I live on the other side of the country from him, which would be an imaginary relationship. He sounds like my type, but that’s not all I look for. My main thing is the guy has to be whip smart brilliant. Usually with the paper to back it up cuz I’m snotty like that :smirk: And glad to know what RR suggested has been going over well with your husband.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:23pm

  136. 136: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    I wouldn’t mind having this problem right now. Beats being single and lonely.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:24pm

  137. 137: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover….A man can only control what you let him, anyone can only control what you let them. My advice take ccare of yourself, control you, stick to boundries, as long as your true to yourself being happy is far easier then trying to control anyone else..

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:25pm

  138. 138: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Last summer my dad started arguing with me on the beach. I told him I don’t want to argue. He kept at it, so I repeated my don’t want and said it feels bad. He kept at it. After a couple more times, I told him I love and respect him, but am walking away bc I don’t want to argue. So I walked down the beach. Later, my sister said to me “thanks a lot!” (sarcastically) – “when you left, dad came over to me, arguing, and I had no idea what he was talking about! but he just kept arguing.” Lol. Poor dad.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:30pm

  139. 139: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover – sending over a big warm, loving hug.. I feel compassion and so much empathy for you right now. You are not alone. Your feelings matter!!! You deserve how you want to be loved. You may not get it from where you want it right now, but you will find it. IN YOU.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:31pm

  140. 140: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’m wearing Tory Burch flats and a t-shirt with a picture of a guy shooting up, and I got asked on a date because of it 5 mins ago. Interesting.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:36pm

  141. 141: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    If I didn’t want to hide the profiles and stop dating online before, what happened this afternoon sure makes me want to.

    Read this:


    Yes, I have been targeted as desperate.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:45pm

  142. 142: Lost LoverNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you and well… I didn’t exactly want to say this for fear of not being understood but I am male… I apologize for not specifying that but it has always been difficult for me because I have always been the “girl” figure, always controlled and manipulated, and I hate men altogether because of repressed issues with an abusive father. I want nothing more than to be that knight in shining armor for her not just as a friend or because I think she is needy but also because I have loved her since the day I met her, everyone knew it. We spent every day together and for months all of her friends loved me because I am the polar opposite of her ex. He broke up with her many times over the ultimate high school problem, he wanted sex. She even broke down and let him about 6 months before we met and after that happened they broke up because she cried the entire time and was a wreck and he wanted more (of course once will never be enough for someone like him) and he did go and find it elsewhere when they broke up. Side note, he covered it up and lied to her numerous times and each time HIS friends blew his cover to protect her she didn’t believe them. And now I suffered PTSD and a lot of suppressed pain came up unfortunately together with me coming out and telling her how I felt as well as her ex nearly beating her over it. 3 months down the road… here I am, still in the friend zone, she is upset when I say she is killing me inside, she is upset when I find comfort in other friends because she refuses to, and she is also reentering the relationship with him. The most recent event was prom and my trip to the hospital, I returned to school and kept excellent control and was feeling good about not needing her, and took that control as proof I could handle being her friend and being better than her ex, and it worked well, until I found out she lied to me and had plans with him, which again forced me into a hurt and angry state. It has been 3 days since we talked because she ended the conversation making cuts about my pain and my friends as well as adding in that she didn’t care what I thought of him. So she disregards me as a friend now and I came here in desperation to find some way to at least be happy without her and hopefully someday reach a point where she will open up to me instead of me pouring my heart out on deaf ears. My internal strength is nonexistent. I have become helpless and attached, and she never even gave me a chance. I have felt for months that I am the emotional one and have fervently attempted to find ways to get her to trust me or open up in some way, all I want is to have a deep loving conversation with her that doesn’t end in her trying to get that sex-crazed control freak to be more like me. I’M RIGHT HERE AND WOULD LOVE HER MORE THAN HE COMPREHENDS!!! :'(

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:53pm

  143. 143: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Augh! If I didn’t want to hide my profiles and stop online dating before, this afternoon has made me want to.

    I have been targeted by some scammers. Hot dude with an exceptionally well written profile, IM’s me and we end up on yahoo chatting. He is cutting and pasting all of this stuff into his IM’s to me and I get suspicious. His profile says he is widowed (they always do when they are scamming) and so I do a search about this type of thing.

    Turns out they target women “my age” who are looking for a long term relationship and are what they perceive to be “desperate”. Please.

    I pasted the link about it into the chat and he asked me what that meant. LOL. OH and he is from Germany and has lived in the states since he was 19.

    I haven’t left the chat yet and he/she is still pasting stuff in there.

    I feel disgusted.

    And pist off.

    And have lost my spice for right now.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:54pm

  144. 144: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover suicide is never the answer. I have seen in the past where Rori have encouraged people to get professional help when they make such comments. Know that you are loved, you are love and the universe loves you abundantly. Please take care of yourself, tell yourself you love and please seek help as soon as possible.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:54pm

  145. 145: ScarlettNo Gravatar says:

    Re #94

    Darling Ella, thank you. It really hit home with what you said about being triggered by another woman’s beauty and secretly wishing that I had it too. I think that was a huge reason for why I was always so jealous.

    There was a point in my life when I was younger when I was teased a lot about the way that I looked and was considered an ugly duckling and that has affected my self esteem for a long time. Over the years I blossomed into a beautiful swan but somehow those feelings of inadequacy had stayed somewhere in my subconscious. Slowly I’m learning to accept those parts of me that I did not like before because they make me who I am today. It helps knowing that the right man will love you no matter what.

    I like what Rori says about being able to look at a beautiful woman and instead of hating her for it to say wow she’s really beautiful but so am I. I’ve been practicing saying that in my head every time I feel a pang of anger looking at a pretty woman and it instantly helps me soften up and smile.

    I’ve always had control issues with wanting to control everything my man does and doesn’t do and I’ve been learning to let go of that. And I’d like to own my jealousy and take responsibility for it and not blame someone else like I used to.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:55pm

  146. 146: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 142 Lilybelle is it match.com? There was something on the radio this morning about a lawsuit.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:56pm

  147. 147: Lost LoverNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sorry i didn’t intend to tell my whole life story….. I just have no idea what to do anymore and need guidance, I’m only a kid…. If he pressures her into that again…. I don’t know what to do. She is utterly amazing, I can’t stress how much I love her. I just don’t want to fail her without every single ounce of strength being given.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 4:58pm

  148. 148: Lost LoverNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the support…. :’) I did get professional help and in that aspect I am not in any danger. Love is complicated enough when I have just as much emotion as most girls I have known, now what to do when she does not have the emotions, well I tried this, It made sense, I feel like I am dealing with what most women deal with and she is acting like most men, so perhaps this will help me get her to a point where she opens up and then I can start my actual work.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:02pm

  149. 149: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    RE: !26 – Wow! Angel Lady, it feels good reading this.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:05pm

  150. 150: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover – Breathe… Ok… now again. Breathe.

    You are a strong man who can handle anything. Find your strength my friend. Pair that with the amount of love you have and you will be an unstoppable force with women.

    A woman would be lucky to have your devotion. A woman who does not appreciate your devotion is not meant for you. I know that’s hard sometimes. or perhaps its not the right time yet if you are young.

    Timing is important in life for a relationship to last. Maturity is important. Sometimes only time and experience allows us the maturity to really know how to love people truly.

    Focus on you. Feel good about YOU!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:08pm

  151. 151: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, it was. Thank goodness I am street smart as hell and not even remotely close to being desperate but I feel bad knowing there are women out there who get sucked into this kind of crap. I tried to post a link to the article I read but everything went into lala land.

    And I feel bad for me too. How is that I appear to be desperate?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:10pm

  152. 152: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    And from a womans persepctive Lost Lover. I am always VERY attracted when a man takes a STAND for me. When he is strong and consistent in his love for me. That means the world to me. It shows me I can trust him over time.

    When he tells me that he will love me and shows me for a long period of time…. even when I won’t be what he wants me to be.

    That has inspired me with one of the men I date. Over time… he shows me he will stick around.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:10pm

  153. 153: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover…

    I feel very intrigued and curious…do you want stay in the feminine mode of a relationship?

    Many women and girls tend to use masculine because sometimes there is no good role model as to how to be feminine; it could also be fear…we think we control our lives by being in charge…etc…; and we were encouraged by our fathers to be tough and competitive…they often felt proud of us when we would win;…because of it we understood love as when we accomplish something and our loved ones expressed being proud of us…

    Anyhow, just my insight…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:12pm

  154. 154: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    Lost Lover…One never knows what they have until it’s gone. Have you ever tried walking away to find your own happiness?? Just curious…Maybe one day she will come around but at least your not there waiting and miserable, Just a thought.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:13pm

  155. 155: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 149 lilybelle I am sure you are not desperate, it is just him and his filters. He might think that just because a woman is on a dating site she is desperate, who knows.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:29pm

  156. 156: CyndieNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, you all make such excuses for men with really bad behaviors. If a man wants you, he will go after what he wants.
    Buck up and do not put up with any bad behavior!!!! Where is your pride? The fact that you don’t have enough confidence in yourself to walk away from what most of the men you describe are losers!!!
    Too much drama here……….

    If you want a prince you need to be what a prince would want…………enough said. You all seem really sad.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:31pm

  157. 157: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    Well that has triggered me, If you don’t like what you read here the great news is one does not have to stay if they do not want. This is a community of women that share experience of life, sadness and happiness is expressed here, everyone sees it differently.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:46pm

  158. 158: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you…and here a story for you…

    ““Back in the late seventies, I had the great privilege of seeing the legendary innovator Buckminster Fuller lecture in San Francisco. When he finished speaking, the audience was invited to engage in dialogue via open microphones around the auditorium.

    One gentleman took the mic and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn’t know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky paused for a moment, looked toward the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    As Bucky turned toward another person, the gentleman raised his voice and repeated his denunciation of Bucky and his thoughts, a bit more firmly. Again Bucky paused, looked squarely at the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    Once again, Bucky turned to another, and once again the gentleman raised his voice, repeated his diatribe, and offered quite a bit of angry energy to his comments, asking why he was being dismissed so summarily.

    This time Bucky responded something like this: “Did you not notice that I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected.

    I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion, to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument.

    Therefore, ‘Thank you’ seemed most appropriate.” ~by Russell Bishop

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 5:59pm

  159. 159: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    DE you are so awesome and mature.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:04pm

  160. 160: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Cyndie, I feel curious where you are seeing women putting up with bad behavior from men. I see so much of the exact opposite here.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:04pm

  161. 161: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    156: DE

    I love that story and feel happy to read it again.


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:25pm

  162. 162: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:


    OMG, yes! that’s what I feel…and I feel ashamed. I’ve learned for years to take on blame and shame for things that were beyond my control… I’ve been working on dealing with it for a very long time.

    It’s tough when I see someone say that they are triggered by something I’ve said. It makes me feel like I’ve unintentionally hurt someone. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be the cause of hurt. It is not the first time you’ve commented that something I’ve stated has triggered you.

    I guess I have to admit that I have no control over that. But I have a strong resistance to this. I don’t want to be responsible for pain. I guess reframing it to think that you might find healing in it would help. But it hurts to think I might be responsible for someone else’s pain.

    DE I have been known to apologize for everything, including the weather. Yes, things outside of the realm of my control. My past abusers convinced me for a very long time that everything was my fault. It’s only recently that I am realizing just how deep rooted this need to apologize is. Not sure what to say.

    It’s about me. I will work to heal it. I will work to own my feelings and accept them.

    thank you both,


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:26pm

  163. 163: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for your passionate response. I feel validated and understood. I have been experimenting with opening up here more on the blog because I tend to stuff my feelings down deep. It’s had me all over the map emotionally today.

    I want to grow and learn from all of it. It is pretty frightening when you face your emotions head on. Some scary stuff staring back at me.

    hugs and thanks again,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:31pm

  164. 164: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    On my way to my ballroom class :) Tonite is foxtrot and swing…:)

    “Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
    I feel good, I knew that I would, now
    So good, so good, I got you..” ya…James Brown feels good…


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 6:38pm

  165. 165: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    feelin bitter and irritated. D has said that he’s done being a party animal because his new position requires it. I was glad to hear it because I don’t like him drunk. Last week, we were rehashing old crap, and I was pretty negative towards him, and definitely made it clear that his drunkenness has never impressed me. He asked when i’m coming to visit him in boston, and even though he’s offering to pay for the trip, I was reluctant to accept cause he hadn’t followed through with the Valentines day present he promised and I’m not ignoring it. I stopped hearing from him after that, and it felt crummy but I was accepting it. Then last night at 3am his time he texted “Hi G.” When I woke up to find this message I felt irritated. I said “crazy night?” he said “yeah. super crazy. I’ve been blitzed for a week, I don’t even know what day it is. crazy! How are you today?” I said “good.” then I said “funny, cause I feel so sick of superficiality and partying and dumb sh1t, that I sat around reading the bible last night.” he texted “wow. what’s wrong?” I said “I just am sick of dumb sh1t.”

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:28pm

  166. 166: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    darling ella,
    I’m glad to hear that ballroom is exciting for you! I’m a ballroom instructor – it can be magical, huh?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:30pm

  167. 167: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    eww cyndie, I don’t like you so far

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:35pm

  168. 168: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    Please help me?

    I feel so good with HotAmazing man. I don’t want to stop what we have and it would feel amazing if it went all the way to marriage, which he is open to.

    I’ve been thinking about this and I think I would feel the safest, cared for, secure, loved, happy in a marriage.

    I don’t know if he is ‘the one’ and I’ve just been taking it slow. But it feels good to date him knowing that it could go somewhere (marriage) and that I could be open to it.

    Unfortunately, I’ve been having this major ‘conviction’ in my spirit rising up in me. Feels like intuition but also more of my deepest ‘truth’ … thoughts, feelings about my spiritual path and how I can be true to this.

    Yes, the boundaries – that’s what showed up – not necessarily MY boundaries, but boundaries within the spiritual practice, which ultimately become my boundaries if I choose this spiritual path.

    HotAmazing man is divorced. My spiritual practice prohibits remarriage and both are considered living ‘adulterous’ lives. This word feels horrible to me. I don’t want to have this label.

    I’m very committed to my spiritual life and I don’t want to do anything against it. Right now I feel very confused, shaky and terrified. I feel ANGRY, frustrated and that life is UNFAIR! It feels bad saying life is UNFAIR and then I feel guilty…

    In the past I had an experience where I ignored the wisdom that was rising up in me and I just did what I wanted. Not only did I delay my blessings but I also ended up in a HUGELY crappy situation. I don’t want to have this experience again.

    Choosing between G*d and man is no contest, but I have come to that point. I don’t want to argue with G*d and His teachings, but how do I walk away from the man that I’m feeling so good with? – and for the FIRST time happy, free, loved, secure and cared for?

    We were supposed to meet tomorrow. I sent him an FM email and broke it off. He replied straightforwardly though I feel as if I’ve fallen off my bridge again.

    I just feel so confused, terrified and shaky. He had something he wanted to share with me tomorrow – I still want to hear it.

    I don’t want to force myself to CD men. It is a huge obstacle for me to meet high quality men in my town and I’m just not committed to feeling anxiety about it.

    HotAmazing man feels so good to me… all the more why I just want to date him. I would consider him a very high quality man. Thinking about finding a higher quality man just feels stressful and boring. I just want to date the man I have.

    I feel bad… like I’m going around in circles… a dog chasing her tail.

    Even if I let go of an outcome to this relationship (i.e. marriage) that feels inauthentic. Is there something I need to heal in myself?

    Please help me?

    Thank you!


    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:37pm

  169. 169: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #789 From the last thread… Shannon… I’m meditating on your words tonight… Thank you…
    I can’t say I’m enjoying the wait… I’m not…but I really like this…
    “I can breath when I’m waiting. The ebb and flow of life. It also means something is coming. Wait is the promise of things to come… just some space between here and there… a year, an hour, a minute. At any second, the wait will end.”

    So good… thank you

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 7:37pm

  170. 170: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    165: gina says:
    eww cyndie, I don’t like you so far

    Gina, I feel really uncomfortable reading that remark. I don’t share Cyndie’s view on what transpires here but it seems unfair to shut her out like that. It maybe more constructive, both for Cyndie and for yourself (and others who may have been triggered), to talk about why you are so triggered by her comments.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:11pm

  171. 171: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    River Girl,
    I’m sure your right that it’s more constructive to share why I feel trigerred. It also feels good to shut someone out when they come into an environment with a superior attitude and judgement.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:14pm

  172. 172: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    But i definitely realize that this is a pattern of mine. I shut a lot of people out. I’m sure most people here had the exact same reaction I had, but instead of letting her know, everyone tries to be nice, but maybe it’s good for one person to be like – meh, screw you, I don’t need you here and I don’t care about your opinions. Or not, I dunno. I realize that it’s not the high road – it’s giving her back what she gave. But I don’t feel that bad about it. Cuz maybe a taste of one’s own medicine can be a good thing sometimes. I know that when i am a b1tch, when people are polite about it, I stay in b1tch mode and think evil little thoughts about how dumb and inferior they are. But then life will put me in the pits, and then I feel humble and grateful for the people I pooped on before. BUT, if a bigger B1tch comes at me from the start, sometimes I feel like I’ve been put in check, and I knock it off with the B1tchiness. I guess it’s just my theory, but I think she was being a B1tch, and I realize that it takes one to know one, and it felt best to match her

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:26pm

  173. 173: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Gina, why do you feel triggered?

    What you said about having a superior attitude and judgement, feels like you are holding a mirror up to me. I feel upset by that as I have been accused of acting as though I am superior in the past when I have spoken up about things I feel strongly about. I don’t like that because I very rarely feel superior to others and it has had the effect of making me afraid to express my opinions when I really ought to.

    I am not judging you now, just practising speaking up.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:29pm

  174. 174: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee RE: 166-

    I am a sister in what you are experiencing and I totally understand and want to discuss this topic with you very much. I just need time to do so. In the morning I will respond to you, as it is getting very late here where I am. :( I want to ask you a couple of questions also. I don’t want to just assume anything. I will take a little time and respond thoughtfully! I practice as well as I can, what you are trying to be faithful to!!! So I completely understand your circumstance. Try and be at peace tonight and remember that nothing needs to be decided on tonight. Send it on up as best as you can, to get some peace and rest for tonight. For now I just recommend that you ask to for clarity to be sent to your heart tonight while you rest and the strength to do what you need to do for you, when you receive that clarity! I will be thinking of you and sending it on up for you ok?!

    I will write more with you tomorrow if you would like. Please look for my post :)

    Blessings and….

    A BIG HUG!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:29pm

  175. 175: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:


    I wish we could email about this one it would be easier! I don’t know if you understand why I say that?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:31pm

  176. 176: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I had not seen your last post 170 before I posted above and I get that. Sometimes it is necessary to just call it as you see it.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:31pm

  177. 177: turquoise3No Gravatar says:


    My boundaries haven’t always been good where my ex is concerned. Our divorce took 3 years, a lot of back and forth of emotions, and things have happened between us. I thought once he got engaged that would end, but about 4 months later, a tragic thing happened in my family, and he showed up on my doorstep to be there for me. It wasn’t a smart decision, but I lost my sister to cancer after an eight year battle, and he was my best friend and the closest person to me for a very long time. Ok, I was grieving… I told myself. Was ok to let him hold me while I cried. A few months later, he was deploying to Afghanistan, and while exchanging our girls, he laid a huge kiss on me…. I was completely caught off guard, our girls didn’t, but could have seen… but the thought that you might never see the person again, can blur logical thinking. He’s still very flirty with me, and the texting goes in spurts, but to be perfectly honest, it’s really hard to maintain distance from him sometimes. He’ll bring up our sex life, how amazing it was, it was one thing that worked really well for us, etc. I don’t know if he’s trying to sabatoge himself, or isn’t really happy… but she is 10 years younger, I think there have been some fidelity questions on her end, they have been long distance almost their entire relationship, so I try not to think about what is going on with them. I’m not initiating anything with him, I still care for him greatly, I want him to be happy, but he isn’t making good choices to keep that relationship safe. I don’t feel responsible for his relationship with her though. He’s a grown man, makes his own choices, I just need to focus on what is healthy for me. I know it’s not good for me, the blurring of friendship, or inappropriate relationship. I have felt so confused lately, I don’t even know what I’m doing. These deployments really really scare me. It’s horrible not knowing if he’ll make it home or not. Even though he’s not mine anymore, I worry a great deal. Maybe if the divorce had been my choice, this would be easier, but it wasn’t, and he has hands down, been the love of my life so far. I haven’t met one person in the last 5 years who I feel I could come close to loving as much. That is scary.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:38pm

  178. 178: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    River Girl – the criticism and judgement in Cyndie’s comment are what I didn’t like. It’s there in her comment, I don’t understand why your asking me like it’s some mystery as to why I felt pissed off??
    I’m sure you felt it, too. but I guess I was judgemental of me to call her judgemental and superior. Which is why I prefer my original comment: I said Cyndie, I didn’t like her so far. And yeah, that’s pretty harsh, but I’m letting her know my first impression based on her tone. Either she can fix the tone, or move on. I think what I could tweek according to what I’ve learned from Rori is, instead of using that “you” word, I could have said “Cyndie, I feel pissed about that comment. I didn’t like the tone at all.” that feels totally wimpy and unsatisfying. cause I guess there’s more: “I feel insulted and judged and defensive. And I also feel some compassion, because you obviously came here searching for something and seem to feel dissappointed by what you have found? I feel curious about why you have even bothered to read and comment…”

    So here you go…a Rorified version of my comment:

    “Cyndie, I feel pissed about that comment. I didn’t like the tone at all.I feel insulted and judged and defensive. I feel trigerred, but past that, I also feel some compassion, because you obviously came here searching for something and seem to feel dissappointed by what you have found? I feel curious about why you have even bothered to read and comment…”

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 8:50pm

  179. 179: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Or hey, maybe I feel defensive because I do think I’m dealing with a loser and that he isn’t treating me right! Yeah, I definitely feel that way. And I don’t want his crap, but he keeps coming around, and i see some future potential, but I hate what he’s dishing out now. I’m having a hard time being respectful enough towards him to leave it open for the possibility of a future, while also setting a boundary for now.
    But Hey Cyndie! I’m trying to figure out what to do about it when he does come at me with nonsense! so when I come here for therapeutic purposes, and I find some judgemental holier than thou “just get over it and be more of a princess, you’re just sad” I just want to say, if you’ve got it all figured out, just shut up and leave!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:06pm

  180. 180: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Words feel like lies sometimes, because we choose a line of communication (like I could choose that nicer one above) but all those other thoughts and feelings are floating around in the air, ya know. And she could’ve chosen a nicer way to express herself, but in the end, she feels reluctant about participating here because of her judgement, which does exist regardless…it’s weird to think of all the different things people balance while communicating.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:11pm

  181. 181: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise3, I feel sad reading all that stuff about your ex man. What a tough situation – it sounds like, even though he’s your ex, he’s hardly really IN his current relationship, so all that exists is memories, and his memories of you and his bond with you (with kids and all) is inevitably stronger than what he possibly could’ve created with her from a distance. what I’m imagining anyway. So it seems to make sense that you both are powerfully still attracted, and the circumstance (with him being gone at war) has just raised the stakes, and I feel a lot of compassion for your situation. And yet he broke it off, so it’s like UGH! I guess you’re supposed to just move on, and yet there’s that bond that tugs at you both it seems like. I think I’d feel stuck. and I’d probably feel even MORE fury at the powers that be for the senseless wars that they are imposing on the world. AAAAARGH it makes me mad! But I hope you can find ways to feel grateful for the romance that sort of comes from the notion that ya’ll are bonded more because of this wretchedness, while also finding ways to keep moving and feel love every day…?

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:25pm

  182. 182: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    176: gina says:
    “I don’t understand why your asking me like it’s some mystery as to why I felt pissed off??”

    I didn’t ever wonder why you were pissed off. I thought her remarks were ill considered, but I also felt that you had more that you needed to say and I’m glad that you have. xo

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:26pm

  183. 183: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    RE 173 – Sweetmandm – thank you so much! Yes, I do know why you want us to email. Please email me on boolahlove@yahoo.com

    Thanks again!



    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:27pm

  184. 184: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina #164:

    Wow…awesome…a ballroom instructor…geez i feel sooo “jealous”…:)

    This was my 1st group class of swing and foxtrot…I love all the dances…Gosh, I feel greedy…I want to learn them all pronto and perfecto!!!!

    I felt awesome…the attention of good looking and great dancer men gosh, speaks to my heart for real :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:27pm

  185. 185: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Awwww thanks. Your comment made my day! :)
    I love having you as a friend on my FB.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:53pm

  186. 186: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella,
    Cool! Glad you’re having a good experience! Sounds like you’re part of a dance program – taking private lessons too, I presume? I definitely recommend privates as a primary way to learn for fast results. Plus, you’ll be in a good position to be able to focus on following those handsome men in your group classes! Congrats on your new dance skills!!

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 9:58pm

  187. 187: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, I am taking private lessons as well :) Good to know that this will give me fast results :)

    Tonite, I met someone who won 1st place multiple times in Las Vegas last week :)

    He is charming…but gosh, I met him two weeks ago I sure thought he might be gay :) But, tonite, he asked me to dance several times…and held my hand a bit too many times…lol…saying…”what is u name again? it’s great to meet u…great to meet u…”…lol

    of course he also came to my table to share suggestions as to how i can progress in my skills…

    So sweet…:) It felt like my trainer and him where “competing” for my attention and time…I felt awesome…

    Going again tomorrow nite…private lesson and group…waltz and rumba :)

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:06pm

  188. 188: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    cool! Sounds like you’re getting the royal treatment you deserve.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:30pm

  189. 189: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    For the longest time, I was resistant to using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when basically making blame statements to not come off as blame statements. It was because I thought using ‘I’ made me sound ego driven and self-centered.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:33pm

  190. 190: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you :) I believe there is Queen in each of us…:)

    Good nite…stay true to your feelings…what he/she does is no longer important…however, what u feel is :) Focus what feels good to u…the rest seems to just follow naturally :)

    riding the horse…is staying true to what feels good to me…

    Warm hugs,

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 10:37pm

  191. 191: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    From twitter.com/girldictionary

    Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship.

    Monday, 18 April 2011 @ 11:48pm

  192. 192: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post. Thanks Rori, I needed it today .
    Today was a day i gave thanks for Circular Dating also!

    Old school friend (first BF) was back on the scene. Some may recall that he appeared a few months ago then disappeared the moment his ex wiggled her finger in his direction . As soon as she got tired of him again he was back.

    I cautiously decided to allow him to date me . Dinners and lunches and movies and brunch .No sex. Lots of calls and mails, initiated by him mostly. He was still having contact with her though and after telling me repeatedly how interested in me he was and how he was “courting me” he texted me today to say that, miracle of miracles, she was back!

    No mention of apology to me, nothing but blah blah blah all about HIM..

    No recognition of the facts , that he was leading me to believe he was seriously interested in me while still ready to drop on bended knee and marry HER the second she came after him. They have been “engaged “for 13 years until the last 18 months of on and off crap.

    Thank God and Rori for CDating. I have two other “regulars” as a buffer. The truth was I had cautiously begun to care again. I was head over heels in love (aged 15 )with this man. Thirty five years disappeared in a second when we were laughing together. But with CD’ing i had NOT got all wrapped up in possibilities, i had NOT fallen into the sexual chemistry trap and I HAD recognised that he was overly hasty, emotionally insecure and needy and looking for a “spare tyre”.

    So tonight I feel sad , I feel angry , but I feel proud of myself for giving him a second chance. I feel sorry he blew it. I feel grateful for my CD’s.

    So the moral to the story is , in my humble opinion..

    It Aint Over Till Its Over..
    and that definitely means any ongoing contact (except for the bare necessity re childrens care if needed.)

    And the Other Moral Is …
    Circular Date so you can keep your heart open , be soft and vulnerable without risk of overly hurting when he bums out.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:08am

  193. 193: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    That sucks Rosa, and yeah, he blew it…his loss not yours.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:58am

  194. 194: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    This post has triggered me. I feel guilt and pain I didn’t realise was there. I met my man through work. He was in a failing relationship when we met, they were living separate lives under the same roof but he was still unavailable. I found myself very attracted to him. He would seek out opportunities to be around me, talk to me, make me laugh, cheer me up when I was having a bad day, we were friends. I felt torn at the time that he was unavailable but I felt so good in his company I was resigned to being his friend. There was a work night out 6 months later and he wasn’t going. I had a shock and when he heard about it from someone else he came and found me and just sat with me in silence for maybe an hour. Then he stood up and insisted we go to the work function, I needed to get out and enjoy myself. He stayed near me all night. When everyone else was going home he insisted we stay out. He took me out for food. He walked me back to my house and we talked for hours. He didn’t leave until 6am and he made it clear he wanted to stay. I was so happy all evening. I was devastated when he left because I knew I couldn’t have him but relieved too that nothing had happened. He broke up with his girlfriend and a week later we started dating. Our relationship has been amazing and I’ve never been happier but I didn’t realise until now just how awful and guilty I feel about how it started. I feel guilty for enjoying the company of a man who wasn’t available. I feel guilty for being attracted to someone elses man. I feel guilty that if I had not been around they might have worked things out. I don’t like feeling guilty. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t know how to feel better. I don’t know what the answer is. :(

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:40am

  195. 195: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby- 161:
    You’re more than welcome :)
    I had huge issues with this in the past: why do I feel this way? I feel sad/angry… why? Maybe if I try and understand WHY, I can feel better about feeling this way. But no, this is how I feel. I can’t change that, and don’t want to. Because it makes me who I am.
    ^ those were my initial thought processes, and I’ve learnt to allow myself to go with the flow… it was very difficult in the beginning. I don’t know much about your journey. but feel free to share if you’d like <3

    Today, I feel good. The sun is shining! I'd love to go out and dance in the sunshine =)
    On the other hand? I feel sad. Abandoned. Uncared for.
    Being at a place where I'm not yet in uni and therefore not having met many new people, I feel lonely. I can't CD as a result. The friends I have are busy revising for university exams.
    The one guy I still have a soft spot for (and daydreaming of being with) lives far from me, in another town, and he's going travelling soon. I wish he missed me enough to contact me. I wish he had the desire to see me before he left. I wish he cared that much.
    On one level, I know how loveable I am. It seems to be raining men at work, but I have no interest at them! And yet, I feel sad.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:48am

  196. 196: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really triggered. Like, I need Xanax triggered. I found an old IM chat log from Adam and I a few dates into the relationship. He had instigated a chat saying ‘because of your escort past, and I really like you, I’m so neurotic about someone with money stealing you away from me.’ I had completely forgotten about that convo. I swore up and down in it that it wouldn’t happen.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:09am

  197. 197: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 194 Wow that is his fear right there.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:25am

  198. 198: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 192 Kyla was he married?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:27am

  199. 199: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning, I never realized what a difference this blog has made in my life. When I am happy or sad I want to share it with you. I believe the reason we get triggered on here is that we share some really deep close to our hearts stuff. When someone, ANYONE, judges that or makes us feel negative for feeling this way it is a trigger. Getting triggered here has helped me in so many ways express myself that I am grateful. The world will not always see your life as you do, the kicker is if your happy then it doesn’t really matter. A lesson in everyone’s comments, that’s why I love it here….Self analyzing…good stuff

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:28am

  200. 200: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 190 Rosa I so understand I am currently in something similar with someone from 20+ years ago. Yesterday I got emotional with him but he stepped up big time to make sure I felt cared for. I am being cautious and have communicated that I am in no hurry to do anything. I just allow him to do whatever and say whatever he wants. My goal is to practicing being, speaking my truth and melting. Melting in particular because I have never put conscious intention into doing that. He is the one person I can truly practice letting go of my fear of intimacy with without the concern of getting physically intimate with.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:34am

  201. 201: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 187 kaitlyn I sense a shift is taking place inside you.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:36am

  202. 202: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 185 DE Amazing.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:38am

  203. 203: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Femininepower
    No, he was not married he was living with a girlfriend.
    I didn’t realise I felt any guilt until I read this post today. I thought I did nothing at all, he came to me all by himself and when he realised he wanted more than friendship he moved out before asking me on a date. This was all before I found this blog. I feel now like I ‘out-girled’ his ex. I don’t know this guilt is coming from. It feels awful!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:38am

  204. 204: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    198 FP – I had begun to have similar thoughts about this CD.I thought initially that he was good practice material for being open , and I began to let him closer as he pursued me . He had many good points.

    That is , until he actually told me he was lying awake thinking of me all night after the last phone chat, but the very next day sent an email to his ex to negotiate marriage conditions.

    He didnt seem to find this strange.

    What feels GREAT is that I am not hurting much at all. Its not about me or my self esteem , and although i was opening up , i did not invest myself into him. I had kept a healthy degree of scepticism :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:55am

  205. 205: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 170 Gina that might be your authentic self “for now” and writing out how you think and would speak creates the space to become intimate with yourself. I am sure that as time goes by and you keep practicing if you so wish you will have the space and opportunity to “re-present” yourself to the world in a way that you choose.

    I just wanted to make one comment about the comment “But i definitely realize that this is a pattern of mine. I shut a lot of people out.” I have a program in which Dr. Paul another coach suggests that the shutting out is in an indication of a boundary weakness. I don’t what that would be for you but it might be helpful if you explore for yourself how you fight? Do you feel confident that you could do that, speak up for yourself in a way that would not necessarily push people away. Is it possible that you fear being rejected after an argument so you slam the door to the relationship first? Just asking because it is something I am working on getting over.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:57am

  206. 206: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 202 I am wondering if he sensed the scepticism and came to the conclusion that you would never really let him fully back in?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:59am

  207. 207: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 201 I believe I have read on this blog that if he is not married he is available. Can’t remember now how it was worded. However, this situation might be just bring up some emotions from something in the past. Is there something that you might need to forgive yourself for?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:02am

  208. 208: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks River Girl . I appreciate the supportive comments.

    I do feel sadness and hurt when I think that the innocent teenage love we shared was resurrected in this sad way 35 years later.

    I dont want a man who isnt self aware, and who doesnt know how to actually experience an ending without going in to panic mode and start latching on to the nearest friendly object..in this case me..NO THANKS.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:04am

  209. 209: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Kyla I feel a bit concerned that you are labeling it as “awful” it is just a feeling that as Rori says is your map in the world. I would suggest accepting it and wondering about why you are feeling that way to see if you can figure out where it is coming from so you could heal it.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:08am

  210. 210: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow maybe it is old ‘me’ stuff. can’t believe i didn’t think about that! i’ve spent years shutting off from my emotions and being logical and numb. i am finding all these feelings coming up in waves so confusing to work out where they are coming from and what to do with them, feeling very emotional lately but not afraid of the feelings. i obviously need to work more on this. maybe i’m feeling guilty because i’m not used to receiving and it feels selfish so i’m creating guilt? i’m going to work on this. thank you for the support, it feels good :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:15am

  211. 211: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 175 turquoise3 You know what that is your life and how you feel. I honor you for that. It also shows that you are very aware of yourself and how you feel, babysteps. You will figure out where you want to be, what you want to do and make good choices for yourself.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:18am

  212. 212: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 208 Kyla also give compassion and forgiveness to yourself by talking to and hugging your heart and your inner child, something I learnt to do here. As you give love to yourself your inner knowing will help you identify the things that need to be healed and for me I started to remember things that happened to me as a child that some of the emotions were connected to.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:20am

  213. 213: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Everything comes up in the presence of true love.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:21am

  214. 214: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    199 FW

    What kind of shift and how do I get him back?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:25am

  215. 215: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks femininepower

    “Everything comes up in the presence of true love.”

    that is so true!
    ok i’m going to try to babystep through these feelings. i have the urge to want instant results in all areas lol. i intend to be gentle and patient with myself and my healing.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:26am

  216. 216: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I wish there was a “Like” button on here. Gina…post 170 is a LIKE for me! :-) Sometime a girl’s just gotta stop being so nice when faced with disrespect.

    Cyndie: Not sure if you’re still here…I’m guessing not…but if you are, I would love to hear about your relationship and what qualities you are making the most of in order to be with your prince. That would be cool to hear. What are the qualities your prince likes? I’m curious if they are the same as the ones my J likes.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:26am

  217. 217: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been saying all along this is all my fault. i proved his fear. I hurt him. I’ve been saying all along i made the biggest mistake ever.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:28am

  218. 218: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn this statement “For the longest time, I was resistant to using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when basically making blame statements to not come off as blame statements. It was because I thought using ‘I’ made me sound ego driven and self-centered” suggests to me that your internal state is shifting.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:40am

  219. 219: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 213 Kyla love yourself and your inner knowing will guide you.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:42am

  220. 220: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel so much more oneness and warmth :) It feels good to read that :)

    Big warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:45am

  221. 221: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    216 fw, thnks but the i vs you has been resonating with me for the past 2 weeks. i feel like i learned all this too late because i screwed up and he is gone.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:46am

  222. 222: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla #201:

    Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

    The guilt part…it took me immediately to a statement “What goes around comes around”…setting fear in my heart…that he would also do the same thing to me…:(

    There is a blog here about dating a man with a “girlfriend”…look in the archives under Dating or Difficult situations…

    Yes, I recall Rori saying it is okay to be open to a man’s advances if he has a girlfriend…yet, she cautioning us about getting involved with someone who is very likely emotionally unavailable…

    I sure would flirt with him, go to lunch, dinner if he asks me…but I sure would not pursue sexual intimacy with him…especially, if he soo “truthful” ab having a “gf”…lol

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  223. 223: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    What you feel at first might be attraction and lust, but this grows into a deeper, more intimate kind of feeling, something incredibly profound if you are each other’s “the one”.

    There is not a perfect time to say these words. But there are two things to avoid:

    1.Saying them too soon.

    2.Waiting too long.

    What does too soon look like? Certainly after a few short weeks, it’s too soon, but if it’s been a few months…You might ask yourself these questions:

    1.Do you feel warm and fuzzy feelings for your
    potential “the one”?

    2.Do you find your mind thinking about him with joy during the day.?

    3.Does your heart fill up when you see him?

    4.Do most of your cares fall away when he’s with you?

    5.Do you still lust for him?

    6.Do you feel comfortable in his presence?

    7.Do you feel an ever deepening feeling of something even if there’s still some tentativeness and fear?

    If you were able to answer yes to most or all of these questions, then please, SPEAK UP!

    How about waiting too long? If you feel all of this and more, and it’s been more than a year, then spit it our already. As much as you may walk the walk, talking the talk is also important.

    And once the words are out, please use them carefully and with true feeling, when you feel that surge of warm and fuzzy within. This word in this context is very special, so speak sincerely.

    If you’d like more help with words – how and when to say what you’re feeling, how and when to say what you need and what you want, and how to get HIM to say “I love you” to YOU – you’ll want to get Rori Raye’s free newsletters.

    She teaches you the “Rori Raye Mantra” – and a very big part of her Mantra is how to chooses words that express most deeply and powerfully exactly what you feel – in a way a man can not only hear – but that will bring him closer to you.

    Sincerely, Sarah for


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:53am

  224. 224: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Shush…I have been “eating” words big time lately…gosh, so embarrassing…

    Hmm…I was just about to explain myself…the STOP sign came up…lol…interesting…i wanted to explain why I misspell so much lately…hmm, there are fears of judgments, acceptance…yep…

    Out to work…:( I will be missing the blog today…

    Wish u all a beautiful day!!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:03am

  225. 225: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 219 I feel confident that your story around that will also change as you go through your process.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:03am

  226. 226: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel soo curious…do you want to forgive yourself??? do you want to heal that part of u?

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:05am

  227. 227: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, but mostly i want him back.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:08am

  228. 228: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Darling Ella
    I hear you :) thank you. I have felt that fear in previous relationships but not this one.

    The reason it never felt ‘bad’ to me is that there was no sexual interaction, no dates, no secret communication. We would see each other in work, he would come and sit with me and talk about work or tell me funny stories. He would ask how I was if I seemed down and try to distract me with jokes. It seemed to me that we were ‘friends’, he has lots of friends and i liked his company but I never sought it out. The first and only time it seemed like ‘more than friends’ was the last night that he knew I had had a horrible shock and didn’t want to leave me on my own. He admitted that night that he wanted more before and immediately got him and left, ended his other relationship, moved out and then asked me on a date. So I felt good that he had never acted inappropriately that he had kept his integrity that he wanted to treat everyone with the respect they deserved and do his best by them. He never discussed his relationship, he never overtly flirted with me and he didn’t hint that he wanted more than friendship until he ended his relationship. I feel good about our relationship. I am not afraid of him cheating on me or being emotionally involved with someone else. I feel confident and secure with his feelings for me. I feel loved and cherished and cared for. I left an abusive 6 year marriage and I think I’m still struggling with receiving love. I’m circular dating still although we have decided to give being exclusive a chance so I am dating me and friends and flirting and remaining open to others.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:12am

  229. 229: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    “but i mostly want him back…” so u want him back more than you want yourself????


    i feel sad reading it…real forgiveness comes from self-forgiveness…when we look to someone else for it…we loose ourselves…:(

    big warm hug

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:14am

  230. 230: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    typo – meant to read ‘when he admitted that night that he wanted more he immediately got up and left, before things went any further, ended his other relationship, moved out and THEN asked me out on a date.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:16am

  231. 231: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: Guys don’t generally come back to women who can’t pull themselves up on their own. Or they do, but it’s in the same way as the “other” woman in this post from Rori…he comes back but only because he feels sorry for her and doesn’t want to hurt her…not because he loves her….and he ends up dating other women while he’s “helping her out” and hiding that fact…it’s a mess…not love.

    I have no idea if your man will ever come back but I do have a pretty good idea that if you want any chance at all for him to come back IN LOVE then he’s going to have to see you pull it together…all by yourself.

    Right now, you’re too far down…your entire happiness is his responsibility (ie you are showing him that you can’t be happy unless HE makes you happy…that’s a lot of responsibility for a man)…you aren’t having any fun (guys really don’t like dating women who can’t have fun) and you’ve lost joy (which usually means you’ve also lost the glow in your cheeks, the sparkle in your eye and the swing in your hips).

    It can be very hard to be attractive in a guy’s eyes when you are constantly sad and down on yourself. In my opinion, the best chance you have of attracting this man again is to become the woman you were when he was attracted before. I’m guessing you weren’t an “it’s all my fault and I’ll never have him back again because of my mistakes” girl when he fell for you the first time. That tells me you can’t be that girl if you want him to fall for you a second time. Who did he fall in love with to begin with? Is she still inside you? If so, I’d bring her back out.

    Just my thoughts on it…

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:19am

  232. 232: maliNo Gravatar says:

    FW Re: 221
    Hehe I did sign upto these newsletters, but for some reason, I’m not getting them!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:40am

  233. 233: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Hmm…I admit, if I were in your situation…i would work on my speech…a very open heartfelt speech…

    what would you say to yourself about the whole situation??

    what would you want to say to him?

    when u are ready, u could share and…maybe we can give you some feedback…

    gosh, i am late…:(

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:41am

  234. 234: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Mali I would sign up again, maybe using a new email address.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:51am

  235. 235: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    There are 3 billion MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) out there…most of them single!

    So what about online dating? When you meet someone you’ve been talking to online, that first meeting can’t even really be considered a “date” if you think about it. After all, you should only be meeting casually at that stage to figure out if there’s any basic chemistry going on there at all.

    That’s it. No stress, no strain. And certainly such meetings are without the necessity that any sex is going to be taking place…right there in Starbucks.

    Now if the sparks fly, so be it. But my point is that this isn’t even really “dating” yet. And how about if there ARE sparks? Should there be wedding plans
    after the first date? It sounds silly to even contemplate, doesn’t it?

    Ultimately, I’d recommend LOTS of dates with lots of people before entering into an exclusive relationship with someone. There are two great reasons for this.

    First, life is too short to evaluate potential partners one at a time. Meeting and interacting with numerous people gives you a chance to find out what your real preferences are when it comes to guys, as opposed to your pre-conceived ones. And amazingly, it’s uncanny how having several options when it comes to your mixed-company social life begets amazing confidence. You don’t cling so desperately to each individual “opportunity”, and therefore you magically become more attractive to MOTOS in general.

    Nothing succeeds like success, right?

    Second, exclusive relationships should be meaningful. Why cheapen the experience by giving it away so quickly? Take time to get to know someone fully before selecting that person to the exclusion of
    all others. Make exclusivity count. If you fall in love, be sure about it and LOVE BIG.

    Explain your philosophy to anyone you are “dating” who appears to be pressuring you into exclusivity too quickly. Be honest with the men you meet along the way, and rest assured that it will typically result in real respect and even heightened attraction. Now that sounds to me like the path of someone with real depth. And I don’t see any downside to that.

    Have Fun,

    Emily McKay

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:06am

  236. 236: LDNo Gravatar says:

    HotArmyGuy: “I’ve always been the rescuer and I’ve always dated damaged women because of my need to fix things. And I know that’s my own issue and I’ve worked on it and I’m ready for a real, healthy relationship. But when I met you, I didn’t know what to do with that. I knew you were what I was looking for-happy and emotionally healthy. You didn’t need me to make you happy because you already WERE happy. You didn’t need me to fix anything because you had already fixed it all before you met me. Except maybe a couple of things in your house. (he laughs) I knew I couldn’t offer you anything you couldn’t do for yourself or that a hundred other men who are better than me couldn’t offer you. So since you don’t NEED me, I can only hope that I’d be lucky enough that you would WANT me. I think you want me and I feel lucky.” (at dinner)

    (later at my house) “I like what we have here, and I don’t want us to do this with anyone else but each other. I know your reasons for not wanting to be exclusive without commitment, but I also know how nervous making a formal commitment so fast would make you feel. So this is about what YOU want and decide. WHEN you decide it. I’m here for as long as you want me and in whatever capacity you want me. If you want me for 50 days or 50 weeks or for 50 years. If you want to date me casually, live with me, marry me. All your choice. Even though I won’t like it much if you choose the casual thing. (he laughs)

    The only thing I ask is that you kick my a$$ to the curb if I don’t make you happy. Because I don’t deserve you if I can’t at least make you as happy as you were the day I met you.”


    Stick a fork in me, cuz I’m done. I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Thank you Universe!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:10am

  237. 237: LDNo Gravatar says:


    Great post to Kaitlyn. I think that’s exactly what she needs to do…

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:12am

  238. 238: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    234 OMG LD thanks for sharing that. omg omg. Congratulations. It seems like this reinforces what Mercedes said to kaitlyn above. omg.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:13am

  239. 239: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    234 WOW that made me smile so much, beautiful :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:17am

  240. 240: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Yep LD, I love this HotArmyGuy. What about you? :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:17am

  241. 241: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I’m officially off the market. : )

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:28am

  242. 242: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    234: LD

    Now, I AM the one crying.

    At work, no less.

    Your worth it for me to shed tears at work and I couldn’t be happier for you.



    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:31am

  243. 243: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    Printable and brilliant.

    Thank you!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:32am

  244. 244: maliNo Gravatar says:

    LD Re:235
    That made me smile So much, and it’s no less than you deserve! SO very happy for you girl!! 😀
    FW: Thankyou, have done so :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:48am

  245. 245: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Hi there! I finally made it to the QVC outlet to check on that ring. Sorry it took me so long, but I’m really busy these days, and it’s about 20 miles away.

    They had quite a selection of sterling silver rings half price. I saw several that had a large, square-with-rounded-corners pearl. I realized once I was there I didn’t get a thorough description from you. What did the pearls look like? What size do you take?

    One I looked at was a size 8 and was $18 something after the half off. The other was a 10 and about $34 after the half off, and it didn’t look very good.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:09am

  246. 246: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    @234 ..sigh…we so need more of those :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:09am

  247. 247: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    @234… That just sounds so strong and passionate, like true love story…wow

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:12am

  248. 248: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    This post really rings a bell with a past boyfriend. Only it wasn’t an ex, it was a woman he had been friends with for a very long time, she was married, but her husband was away (in jail, no less). He would go over to her house, fix whatever needed fixing, hang out with her kid. I remember feeling jealous. Not just because he would pay attention to her and do all this stuff, and that he wasn’t doing it for ME, but jealous of her and her ability to just ask, without feeling embarrassed or incompetent or worthless or “less than” or needy or bothersome. It seemed to me that whenever I asked for help with anything, I came across as “needy.” Yet, here she was, a person with a LOT of needs, and he was more than willing to help out. It made me feel so yucky and gross, and then also bad about myself for not being a solid woman who was “okay” with my own needs. Double whammy.

    I did tell him, and in a calm way, how I felt about the situation. He of course protested that they were “just friends” and had never been anything else, but that wasn’t the issue. To me, he was basically being her on-call surrogate “house-husband,” regardless of attraction. He agreed to stop seeing her so much, but I think that just resulted in resentment on his part, because he felt I was blocking him from having a friend, and that wasn’t the point.

    I really like Rori’s perspective on the issue. Because even though I basically said everything in the script, I was still the one “deciding” what should be done about it. I was coming up with the solution. I didn’t know about all this stuff then, but I guess if I had acknowledged that I didn’t really know what to do, he would have come up with a plan. Or maybe not.

    In the end, I had to decide that the was so hung up on her and committed to that friendship that there was nothing I could do, and I ended the relationship. I ended it for a lot of reasons, but that was a big one.

    I even corresponded with her afterward, and she agreed. As in, she agreed that he was “unequally yoked” (her words), but she was defending him as her friend, and still saying she needed him. Yikes.

    If you have a guy with a crazy ex who bugs him a lot, and it annoys him, that’s one thing. But if he responds and he enjoys it, that is something else. To me, it’s a big red flag, and I feel like running – not walking – in the other direction.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:16am

  249. 249: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    LD – That is awesome! What a speech! :)

    It sounds like you are in a really great place with this guy…

    But I have to confess. I’ve been having a problem, in that whenever I read “HotArmyGuy” I do a double-take, because my brain thinks it says “HotHornyGuy.” Can you spell “sexually frustrated”? LOL

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:22am

  250. 250: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    234: LD
    OMG!!!!! That is so VERY VERY perfect!
    I am so happy for you I’m crying too Lil!
    Yee Haw!!!!!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:25am

  251. 251: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    LD: Oh wow! I feel amazed. (And a little scared I gotta admit. I want my brain to believe in this so much. Not quite there but working on it.) Please keep us posted! I want this to work out between you two. A living breathing example! *blush*

    Kaitlyn: The man with more money stole you away from Adam… is that true? Aren’t you still wanting Adam? I think you disproved his fear. I’m still voting for this NOT being about you going to Paris. I think shit was happening long before then (for both of you). Paris was just the excuse, and it happens to be the one that affirms your belief that you are the bad person in all this. What do you think?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:34am

  252. 252: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the warm wishes everyone. I couldn’t have gotten to this point without each one of you on here. Thanks so much for helping me work through my issues so that I could heal and stop repeating past mistakes. I feel grateful to have found you all.

    I feel happy and excited, but the coolest thing is I feel RELAXED. I just don’t have any anxiety about it either way. I have never really had this much peace about a relationship. I can’t really explain it.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:38am

  253. 253: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Well Sirens… I supposed to have a date with Rancherman tonight… a late one.. my cuz is coming to stay w/my kids… he knows I need to meet him to (his rancher words) “see if ya want to keep me or cull (cut from the herd) me” …

    I told him I can’t give Iowa a fair chance as long as he’s having to compete w/him…

    Iowa has all the right amount of contact but not ONE conversation that is stimulating the way RM and I have all the time…Words and being “got” are my biggies.. I don’t really feel Iowa gets me.. I feel like he has an imaginary thing going on w/me and I just answer the phone…

    It’s been cloudy here today.. I told RM my request to God about not letting a man come who would put me off my path.. and that our first 2 attempts at a date were derailed and that I feared what act of God might occur if we tried for a 3rd… He said he thought God had bigger things to worry about and that he’d be here… sigh… we’ll see…lol

    He made me laugh and feel warm…as usual..

    I, of course, hung up and had the wonderfully “positive” thought “good I can meet him and see that I don’t like him”… Kinda along the lines of my sister we adopted from Korea when she was 6 seeing her first Christmas tree/presents… After looking at all of them w/her name in utter glee… turned to my mom and said “I probably won’t like anything here”…. she couldn’t face another disappointment in her life….

    I’m trying not to be THAT negative… but… you know… none I’ve actually met have been keepers…so I gotta pace myself…right? lol

    I’d appreciate positive thoughts… I want to believe that if he doesn’t show that it’s a sign.. is that wrong ya think?

    I want to stay open, and soft and centered…

    He seems to be okay even when I lean forward too much..

    He didn’t want to meet me in a middle town unless I was going for business… He said was more gentlemanly for a man to come to the woman the first time… though he flew a woman from Canada to his ranch to meet her… but I guess that is different..she was a city gal thinking she could handle his lifestyle….

    He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy… I like this way of thinkin…

    I probably won’t like anything under the tree….giggle…

    Okay.. I better go get some work done.. I’ll check back later..

    Angels on your bodies

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:42am

  254. 254: LDNo Gravatar says:


    “He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy… I like this way of thinkin…”

    Yep, this is the way D (HotArmyGuy) thinks too. It’s awesome! I like RM’s words…

    Have a GREAT date tonight!!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  255. 255: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    243: Brenda,

    You are SO sweet! I should send you a picture of it.

    If you feel okay with it, you can give me your email address and I can paste it in there to see if you saw this one.

    This is so sweet of you. I appreciate it.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:56am

  256. 256: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    This is twice today that this sentance has smacked me in the face.. TWICE. Seems there is something for me to learn from that.

    ““He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy…”

    PG~ Have a great date tonight. Can’t wait to hear about it.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:02am

  257. 257: NitaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori I have a question based on my observations about myself and two concepts that you teach. One is leaning back, being a girl and feeling letting energy to come to me and the other which you also teach which is being a rock, having boundaries and not letting my “pearls be thrown to swine.” So how do you do this? I feel like both are important but Im not sure how to juggle both. When Im vulnerable and a girl I tend to be easygoing and then I wonder am i a pushover? and if i set strong boundaries i wonder do i have a wall? i feel frustrated with myself I work on your tools but I just dont understand what the heck im doing. heres an example: recently i have been contacted by a guy and hes well….a bugaboo. constant calls, constant attention, says he cant wait to see me says hes nervous and excited, sends me pictures of himself daily…i met him once at a speed dating event in january and he now contacts ugh. i dont know part of me thinks to circular date and give him a chance but i cant help to feel annoyed. i texted him after his third “wishing you a great day babe” that i was feeling ackward with his intenisty..he apologized. I wonder though am i not letting myself lean back? but how can i if im weirded out shouldnt i express my feelings and share what im comfortable with? there are many examples like this where I wonder if i have a wall or if im just trusting my feelings i dont know if im making sense but is there any insight…

    btw since im new to all this and dating/ and im inexperienced i question if im naive and i feel like protecting myself hmmm and i also question my boundaries i wonder am i just a scared little girl? hmmm lots to figure out (im also overly analytical lol) ugh im sooooooo frustrated

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:21am

  258. 258: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    DE: Hi! I feel worried reading your post about facebook because I’m worried you are talking about me :-(

    I know I was so excited to friend you, KS, Tinque, etc and then I have hardly been on FB after that. I apologize if that felt weird.

    I have a hard time with FB because it is really glitchy with the Internet connection I have. I can read updates and like posts, but sometimes it won’t let me comment or send message. I tend to get annoyed with it and come here instead.

    I just want you to know it’s not anything personally. I love your updates. They are always so positive and uplifting.

    I hope KS sees this too. I really appreciate you both!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:32am

  259. 259: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    LD: i cried reading what HotArmyGuy said to you. Oh my*** swoon.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:38am

  260. 260: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #253 – brendaearthlink@yahoo.com

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:42am

  261. 261: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:


    so very very happy for you.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:25am

  262. 262: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    This is a success story from the previous post. Thought it was worthwhile posting it here also.
    984: Turtle Girl says:
    Morning ladies!

    I don’t post that often anymore, life has changed so much and I am really busy with all of that.

    The man I met who proposed to me is in the process of moving up to my city (from over a 1000 miles away).
    I am so worth it…….lol (We all are so worth it!)

    Anyway, we have been house hunting and found a beautiful one and are in negotiation process to buy it.

    My how my life has changed since I found this site over a year and a half ago.

    I have met the man I am going to more than likely spend the rest of my life with. We are true kindred souls.
    If you are familiar with Arielle Ford’s book The Soulmate Secret-I used her method and he showed up
    in the exact month my waking vision said he would.
    All very amazing stuff. I made my list of what I wanted and he is pretty much that. He treats me with the utmost respect and kindness.

    And I owe it in no small part to Rori and her work, (thank you Rori!) and all you beautiful sirens here. Your wisdom, strength, mistakes, riffing, changes, willingness to be real and all the rest has been a real learning and growing experience for me. Even the times where we women have shared vastly different viewpoints and such, have been the source of change and growth. Seems we worked through it and agreed to disagree and care for one another anyway. And that is all very good stuff. It has been a joy to watch other women change and grow. A true joy. I see it in the way they write and the things they say. What a beautiful process, like rose bud evolving and unfolding.

    I feel scared, but have faith in everything working out.
    I feel excited and happy. And this feels right. The vibe is totally right. I feel some days overjoyed with gratitude for my life and all that I have. I am so very lucky in so many ways.

    We don’t have a “wedding date” set, but that will come in due time. Not an issue, and no icky vibe around it at all. It is a very different vibe this time around and some of that is due to being over fifty.
    We both have grown children and are looking at this whole experience from a different perspective than we did at 25 or 30 or even 40. But at any age, I still feel the vibe that RR talks about so much is so important. Our energy comes across to others, to the men we date and to everyone in our life. Cleaning that up, getting clear, being authentic and moving forward with your one beautiful precious life is the ticket in being happy, with or without “him”.

    So enough rambling. I wish everyone here the best,
    maybe will post again after I move and after the wedding. I have lots to do these days. lol Much love to all. xxxooo
    Turtle Girl )

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:36am

  263. 263: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I’m noticing that I feel triggered by this talk of people not responding to posts or being active on FB.

    I feel sensitive to this because it has been a reoccurring theme in my life. I tend to go through periods of being really social and then being really quiet and introspective.

    It has often caused confusion with my friends who think it is personal. It almost never is personal. I just sometimes have to recharge myself by going within. It’s the way I was made.

    I feel bad. I feel inadequate. I feel weird.

    I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t want to question my process. I don’t want to feel bad about myself.

    I wonder how I can turn this around?
    I wonder what it would feel like to not feel bad about this quality I have of sometimes feeling social and sometimes not.

    I feel excited. This has been coming up quite a bit lately in my life. I feel excited that means clarity is on it’s way. All I need is a reframe.

    Also, this is not about anyone here. Some comments just triggered some personal insecurities I have and that I wan to let go of.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:40am

  264. 264: LDNo Gravatar says:


    LMAO at reading “HotHornyGuy” for HotArmyGuy! I almost choked when I read that post!

    Let’s just say that he doesn’t come off as a horny teenager like ministerCD did for awhile, and has made it very clear that sex is only a part of what he wants with me, but that he is “sufficiently” horny. LOL : )

    Last night he looked into my eyes the whole time while we had sex. YUMMY!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:43am

  265. 265: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    I love all the positive success stories that I’m reading here! Even though I don’t feel like I am one right now, it still gives me hope and confidence in the process and that when it is the right time for me, it will definitely all come together, as it will for all of us :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:44am

  266. 266: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Congratulations Turtle Girl. I feel so happy reading your update. I wish you the very best!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:45am

  267. 267: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I’m the same way. I go through periods of being social and then periods where I keep more to myself. I used to feel guilty about the quiet times when friends or family would feel neglected, but now I’ve accepted that that’s who I am and that the quiet times recharge me and make me a better friend, daughter, mother etc for the social times.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:46am

  268. 268: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Big news! I found out late yesterday that I got the job! I start after the Easter long weekend. Yay! :)

    And to make a great day even better, my husband came home with a bouquet of flowers for me as a congratulations. I was touched!

    Things are sure starting to turn around for me… thank you ladies for your continued support! I’m sure I’ll still have setbacks and a ton of questions, but I’m finally starting to have some confidence back! :)

    {{Tears of happiness}}

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:49am

  269. 269: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    LD – haha. I’m glad you thought it was funny! 😉

    ArmyGuy sounds a lot more directed and sure about what he wants with you than MinisterCD, even though it seemed you like the Minister guy a lot. (and funny that you describe him as the horny teenager! lol) But I guess it just goes to show that if you stick with it, you end up getting what you really want! ((hugs)) xoxo :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:50am

  270. 270: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    LG, I’m not on FB at all. (Deactivated it for Lent). And for the most part, I don’t miss it. I’ve had some folks tell me they miss me (which is completely flattering), but I don’t have this deep desire to be back on FB. (Other than to see what all the sirens look like!) And there’s definitely no guilt associated with it. It’s like having a neutral “no” in my pocket.

    So maybe tell yourself the story that you’re just on a break from FB? It’s nothing personal, just a break.

    Do you need to be on FB? Is that true? 😉

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:00pm

  271. 271: AMAZINGMENo Gravatar says:

    I am the same in many ways as you other sirens but I tend to shut down and do my own thing away from everyone. Just my way of focusing on me:) Giving myself time to heal from the death of my grandparents and study for a life changing test. I don’t think that is bad or selfish at all.Sometimes just much needed to do my own thing, Yes I miss my friends and doing things but I have a goal and when i PASS it I can be more free.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:06pm

  272. 272: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I do like ministerCD alot, and I did get what I wanted. I wrote on my list last year that I wanted 3 great guys to choose from and I got 2. I was feeling better after giving ministerCD feeling messages about the sex thing and he has stopped doing it since then and shown me tons of respect. He really is a good guy and I feel lucky to have met him. I feel amazed I also got my wish of being able to feel physically attracted to more than one CD at a time. But D (HotArmyGuy) stepped up AND it just feels right.

    I’m not looking forward to telling ministerCD that I’ve become exclusive with D. Not sure how to do it because I’ve never been in this position before.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:10pm

  273. 273: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks SS and LD and DE (for emailing me):

    Now that I am aware of how much I beat myself up over this, I can heal it and that feels good.

    I feel tired of beating myself up. No more!

    Thanks for your input. I’m soaking it all in.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:18pm

  274. 274: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Huge congratulations Turtle Girl, YAY!!!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:37pm

  275. 275: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl posted a huge WIN!! on another thread – love it and you, TG!!! CONGRATULATIONS!

    Happy day, all darlings today….


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:37pm

  276. 276: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    More congratulations Mel, though I knew it was yours, just did.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:38pm

  277. 277: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess – Many women and men too likely go through periods like this, myself included. It’s a GOOD thing. The quiet times are times for recharging and for integrating. For blossoming. Love those times.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:39pm

  278. 278: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    lol…Tinque! and I like facebook – I find a lot of friends of friends with unique and amazing content, really artistic, or they are actually artists and so cool!

    And wow! your new pix – I like it, it’s provacative and oh, the hair and the eyes….but at the same time it doesn’t “feel” like the you I thought I knew.

    Fascinating – you multi faceted gemstone woman!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:40pm

  279. 279: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    When I had those periods of having to have my alone time, my thinking my thoughts, my teasing out what do I really believe time – which without it, I’m just reacting, not initiating from authenticity/! I read several of the Highly Sensitive Persons books…

    And gladly decided I wasn’t HS. But it is a very human condition – in his book, like from highschool? – I remember Victor Frankyl (Man’s Search for Meaning) talking about staying awake in the middle of the night in a concentration camp just to have his time to think his thoughts.

    I’ve always felt good knowing it was universal since then.

    Have a great rest of the day everyone,


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:44pm

  280. 280: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    WOW! Such happiness!! LD, Turtle Girl, Mel….awesome stuff ladies!

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:46pm

  281. 281: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    LD – I’ve never been in that position before either! lol. But I’m guessing, if you’ve come this far, you can apply feeling messages and authenticity (and staying relaxed) to that conversation as well. If you’re sure about what’s right for you, then he’ll understand, because he still wants you to be happy :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 12:57pm

  282. 282: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, that is amazing!! how important do you think the actual checking of references was? Because I have 4 letters but none of the people are even in the busines anymore, and I’ve wondered if that would be an issue….YOU ROCK!!! Passed the computer tests, the references…like you were the start the whole time and just had to keep the faith!

    LD – happy for you, too, darlin!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:07pm

  283. 283: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    LD – nice of you to wonder about the speech…so awful to hear it’s not you…

    Maybe – Someone’s swept me off my feet and it might be the real deal. We’ve decided to be exclusive and see. I’ve so enjoyed making a friend of you and*** ….. / or Just wanted you to be one of the first to know and hope you’ll be happy for me –

    ***well whatever you want to happen – I hope you find what you’re looking for, I hope we stay friends….

    Great problem to have!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:11pm

  284. 284: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – you were the star.haha

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:12pm

  285. 285: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    261: LG~

    I am the same way. I look at the quiet, introspective times as taking care of myself and not at neglectful to others. When I have them and someone prods me, I tell them that it is in my best interest and that I will be in touch soon. I literally don’t answer telephone calls or anything. Unless of course, it’s #1 Guy; (my son).

    A time of recharge, and my whole being is telling me that it’s time to rest and regroup. These times usually include a whole bunch of pampering too.



    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:20pm

  286. 286: DianaNo Gravatar says:

    If a man or woman cannot truly move forward from their past relationship(s), then he is not truly “available.” A clear establishment of boundaries and hierarchy of values needs to be clearly set. You have not clearly established that boundary with him. How is this honoring your heart, building trust, creating a safe place for love to grown in your heart? It doesn’t. How long would a decent, strong man tolerate this from a woman? He wouldn’t. If he is not strong by himself as an individual person, then he has not emotionally matured. Cry? A man wants to see a woman cry? Stop. You have been shown this as a message from above– before you invest more time and energy into this weak man. If he’s putting up with her, it’s NOT over for him. She’s feeding his ego and you aren’t “special” enough to make it stop. You deserve a stronger man in your life who will not be subject to emotional games. Get over him. Don’t cry, set a boundary and then walk. If he values you, he should not play games with your heart. Ever. Not at the beginning, middle or end of a relationship. Cry? Oh, please…………….

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:26pm

  287. 287: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I provided them with three reference letters, but they still requested three telephone references (could be the same or different). They called all three of them.

    It could be that reference letters are a good way to get an interview, but they actually want to talk to a real person to be able to ask specific questions.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:28pm

  288. 288: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Every time you feel miserable, ask yourself, without any self-judgment, ‘What am I trying to control?”

    Just read this in the Inner Bonding newsletter.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:30pm

  289. 289: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    okeedokee…. RM told me to call him this am to let him know if I arranged babysitting and all was on for tonight… I did… I just got a text saying “got your message I’ll c u between 8:30 and 9″….

    I actually feel calmer… and peaceful… I just couldn’t stand another cancellation disappointment… I straightened the house telling myself it’s just because it needed to be done… My hair is NOT cooperating and I told myself if I hear he’s coming I’ll take the straight iron to it…

    Now I feel like I can just relax and enjoy him.. enjoy myself… and look for the messages…. and maybe any interesting stories for my blog… lol….

    For example..he’s bringing his dogs cause they are his babies (cattle dogs) and he doesn’t have a babysitter for them… His truck doesn’t have a back seat… get a visual?….Don’t you just know I’m gonna have a story to tell about that? I won’t wear black that’s for sure….lol….This is gonna be fun!

    I am the air he needs to breathe… oh and I am the air *I* need to breathe too….

    Iowa is not gonna love this…he was SOOOO happy w/each cancellation last week…

    Angels on your bodies..

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:40pm

  290. 290: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Morning ladies!

    I don’t post that often anymore, life has changed so much and I am really busy with all of that.

    The man I met who proposed to me is in the process of moving up to my city (from over a 1000 miles away).
    I am so worth it…….lol (We all are so worth it!)

    Anyway, we have been house hunting and found a beautiful one and are in negotiation process to buy it.

    My how my life has changed since I found this site over a year and a half ago.

    I have met the man I am going to more than likely spend the rest of my life with. We are true kindred souls.
    If you are familiar with Arielle Ford’s book The Soulmate Secret-I used her method and he showed up
    in the exact month my waking vision said he would.
    All very amazing stuff. I made my list of what I wanted and he is pretty much that. He treats me with the utmost respect and kindness.

    And I owe it in no small part to Rori and her work, (thank you Rori!) and all you beautiful sirens here. Your wisdom, strength, mistakes, riffing, changes, willingness to be real and all the rest has been a real learning and growing experience for me. Even the times where we women have shared vastly different viewpoints and such, have been the source of change and growth. Seems we worked through it and agreed to disagree and care for one another anyway. And that is all very good stuff. It has been a joy to watch other women change and grow. A true joy. I see it in the way they write and the things they say. What a beautiful process, like rose bud evolving and unfolding.

    I feel scared, but have faith in everything working out.
    I feel excited and happy. And this feels right. The vibe is totally right. I feel some days overjoyed with gratitude for my life and all that I have. I am so very lucky in so many ways.

    We don’t have a “wedding date” set, but that will come in due time. Not an issue, and no icky vibe around it at all. It is a very different vibe this time around and some of that is due to being over fifty.
    We both have grown children and are looking at this whole experience from a different perspective than we did at 25 or 30 or even 40. But at any age, I still feel the vibe that RR talks about so much is so important. Our energy comes across to others, to the men we date and to everyone in our life. Cleaning that up, getting clear, being authentic and moving forward with your one beautiful precious life is the ticket in being happy, with or without “him”.

    So enough rambling. I wish everyone here the best,
    maybe will post again after I move and after the wedding. I have lots to do these days. lol Much love to all. xxxooo
    Turtle Girl 😮 )

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:43pm

  291. 291: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Diana (284): I’m with ya. I used different words, but I agree…in this case, crying is going to be a needy and weak approach when in reality a good strong dose of “I refuse to put up with this” is in order. I’m with you on the walking away. If this man isn’t strong enough or ready enough to leave an ex then life with him will be hurtful and will be shared with other women. That might be good for some, but for me…nope…I’d have to walk away and find someone who isn’t clinging to and hiding his relationship with another woman.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:43pm

  292. 292: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Mel – yeah I agree and not sure what to do about it, except in the apt. industry management and ownership changes are standard. Was wondering if I should keep presenting the letters, but they’re on company letterhead and it’s all I’ve got.

    One of the probs of working for an individual owner for 17 years, too.

    It’s not stopped me before though. I think it’s going to be more of a problem of being overqualified – if that’s the first thing two people said to me, more of them have GOT to be thinking it.

    Which kind of locks me into top spot where I no longer want to be. Plus all those personality things test me out as “leader, motivator, etc.” More locking!

    Boyfriend got a good long term thing tho – so as long as I am willing to put up with him…lalala….it’s okay.

    I got EMK’s eletter today and man, the guy GETS me!! Wow, it’s like he’s inside my head. The letter is all about tin man vs lion and if you’re in the 97th percentile and your guy is 87 it might work better than when you go after the tall shiny guy without a heart. It’s like reading MY LIFE….just blown away.

    And a little afraid to mention it but that would be unfair to him. I am just really really glad that someone else has thought this all out – stuff I’ve been mulling on for a year and a half – and clearly linearly written it out for my after the fact enlightenment. It feels miraculous, marvelous, exciting, anticipating, admiring….a lot of things – and it feels like some of my ambivilance will clear up faster too with this validation of my actual experience.

    I feel really excited and happy.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:43pm

  293. 293: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    And, Hi! Kaitlyn…you were right on with the thyroid – mine’s barely under 5! Going to up the T3 and still looking for you every day. Hug!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:45pm

  294. 294: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I re posted not realizing someone copied and re posted this already. Apologies!

    And thanks to all for the encouragement!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 1:51pm

  295. 295: mariposa0825No Gravatar says:

    @ Mercedes….I have read a few of your posts and totally agree with all of your comments. You sound like you have the wisdom of women I have been fortunate enough to meet that have guided me through hard times in relationships; and made me realize that it is better to be alone and somewhat lonely at times than with someone who makes you miserable and creates constant problems.

    He does seem like someone that either does not have a strong enough sense of self to eventually walk away from being used and manipulated, or in my opinion is simply feeding this woman lies so he can continue to run between both of them. I have grown up around men like this and have come to notice the ways in which they speak about women to other women so they can continue to the play the victim. But all the while, they are truly the manipulators themselves. I am willing to bet that the latter is true.

    The post by turquoise3 shows how two manipulators stay in connection with each other and pretty much use a situation to their own advantage. She brags about the hold she has on her ex, their history, everything he does for her, and has no respect for his fiance since she is still having some sort of physical relationship with him. Women and men who play these games love the attention and sense of power they get from these circumstances ( I have such a powerful hold on him that he/she won’t be faithful to his girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband) but will never step to the plate to really resolve the situation and form an honest relationship together. They thrive on knowing that someone else is suffering for their own gain. It is very sad.

    I hope that Martine is reading these posts and learning how these dynamics play out before she finds herself left embarrassed and alone while he continues to run behind a woman who will never give him true fulfillment (then again that is probably what he wants). I agree that she should just simply walk away because she will not win in this situation, no matter what she does. Everyone makes mistakes and I am guilty of quite a few, but to keep a situation like this going is deplorable. She is just being played. Martine, if you are reading this, change your number and run!!!!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 2:14pm

  296. 296: mariposa0825No Gravatar says:

    @Diana (284)…..You truly inspire me to make better decisions just like Mercedes. I love the comment and how you view the situation. I would love to see more posts from you.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 2:20pm

  297. 297: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    mariposa0825: You are very sweet and I am honestly flattered. Thank you!

    Little disclaimer though: I have learned a lot from some HUGE mistakes. I’m still learning all the time (which is why I still hang out here with Rori) and I’m certainly a work in progress. Some things I refuse to work on because I like those things about me and other things are a pretty constant focus. It’s a journey though and even through the mistakes, I intend to enjoy mine to the fullest. :-)

    Thank you again for your kind words…you certainly made me smile.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 2:26pm

  298. 298: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Turtle Girl, that is amazing!

    I loved that you used the Soulmate Secret as well. I don’t have the book, but I listened to Arielle Ford talk about the process recently, and decided to try it out myself, just to see what would happen. Well, something happened. But I kind of skipped, or breezed over step #2 (where you ask yourself, is this the right time?) Well, I wasn’t sure if it was a the right time for me, so I figured if it was, then the Universe would send something to me, and if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t. So about two days later, after I did the sequence, this amazingly hot guy showed up out of the blue and chatted me on Ok Cupid. We talked and eventually met, and it was fantastic. He, too, had all of the qualities that I had written down in my list. Except, in the end, I don’t think it was the right time for me, and I still haven’t quite cleared out all the “blockages,” so it didn’t stick. Even though he really seemed to like me. This was about a month ago.

    Fast forward to today. I decided to put my OKC profile back up, after having it down for about a month while I worked on sorting some things out for myself. In the meantime, I’ve been texting/chatting with the guy (this was Diwali, from some earlier posts. we eventually got back in touch), but nothing really came out of it. Two days ago, I sent him some pictures he said he wanted. At first I said no, and then I reconsidered, and decided that I wanted to send them, for my own reasons. They were kind of (intentionally) alluring. But I had no agenda.

    He said: Are you trying to change my mind?
    Me: Why, is it changing?
    Him: Maybe.

    He sent me one photo back, and said I was hot, but that was about it. I contacted him yesterday, and he said he was seeing someone else and that he “liked her.” And this is a day after he was about to “change his mind.” (Not that I had an idea that his mind needed changing.) So I said okay, and left it at that.

    But it did something to me. His response opened up a floodgate of emotion that I had known was there, but didn’t know how to release. It actually felt sweet and lovely, like I was opening up and feeling soft inside, so I enjoyed it and let it flow. I know I shouldn’t have been the one to contact him. But even though I don’t feel “stuck” on him, like I need him and only him – there are loads of amazing guys out there – in the back of my mind, I know that there was my list, there was my “Calling in the One” process, and then – there was him! So even though he tells me that he’s seeing someone else, it doesn’t bother me. It has nothing to do with me. And since my pictures almost made him change his mind, I feel like there is something “there” even though he says there isn’t. My process right now is just to be gentle and patient with myself while I try to find and release any other blockages that I’m holding onto, or false beliefs about myself and relationships that are holding me back. Not because I want to be with him, just because it’s important to me. It’s hard work!

    And I planned to just put up my profile today, and see who checked me out. I only visited one guy’s profile page. And then I looked at the list of visitors. As I scrolled down, there he was (Diwali). He had visited the day before I took my profile down. That was the day I got my tattoo, and the day before everything else in my life seemed to come crashing down at once – including what was going on with him, which had been pretty positive up to that point.

    I felt so affected by just seeing his face. I wanted to look at his profile again, just to see, but I didn’t, because I knew that he would be able to see that I’d done it, and I didn’t want him to block me or something. It was more nostalgic than anything else. But I just felt like this dark, tight feeling close around my head. Like I don’t know the answer to the question. I don’t even know the question that was asked. I don’t know this person. And yet, I know so much. And we’ve had a relationship (of sorts) outside of this site. I was embarrassed about how some of the things had gone between us. I wish I could take some of it back and just be the cool, relaxed, confident, radiant woman that I want to be – the woman he saw when he met me, after being attracted by my profile in the first place.

    Reading your post, TG, made me think again about how powerful that “Calling in the One” sequence can be. And yet I have so many questions. Was he really right for me, or was it an illusion? He does seem to have all the qualities I desire – and then some. But if he was “right” then wouldn’t he “stick”? You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man, etc. *sigh*

    It seems there is a fine line, or at least a direct relation of some kind, between recognizing “the One” when he shows up, and letting him recognize you. I think I need to shoot for the second part of that.

    Well, time to get back on the horse. I’ve had my time off, and I’ve even been on a couple of dates recently. But even if it’s not “time” for me yet to settle down and find the one I need to be with, I still think I’m ready to get back out and keep exploring.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 2:36pm

  299. 299: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee – Re 156. I have found the idea of circular dating MEN at times overwhelming and inauthentic. When I feel this way, I circular date myself. That feels good. Funny thing is, it usually leads me to men…lol. Then a more natural way into CDing men. Then it feels good.

    Maybe that can help you too?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:07pm

  300. 300: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    I received the Inner Bonding message today on control too.

    It felt powerful for me to ask myself this question today as well…

    “When I am miserable, ask myself, what am I trying to control?”

    Led me to some good answers for myself today. Hard to look at but good.

    (sigh) It really is all about me isn’t it. lol. DAMMIT!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:14pm

  301. 301: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LD – Wow!

    He dounds like he really gets it!


    Enjoy. xxx

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:19pm

  302. 302: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Urghh – I mean ‘sounds!’.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:20pm

  303. 303: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    I did my fist Zumba class.

    Only 2 people came! :-(

    Despite loads of promotion on my part. My other business is also progressing really slowly right now and it sometimes feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back!

    Urgh, so furstrating.

    AND now the ante has been upped because I am moving out of my parents again at the end of the month and will need to start payinig proper rent again!

    I feel scared.

    What if I cannot make enough money?

    I want to continue doing what I love and I feel anxious.

    But I also feel a kind of steely determination. Like I am not going to give up. I am just going to keep trying different ways until I make it work.

    I just hope this is a wise decision and not misplaced determination!

    I was speaking to my mum and we ended up having a really good authentic conversation about that and the general situation at home.

    Her partner is also struggling with big debt due to the recession and some other stuff so things are kinda tough.

    Also he is scheduled for a major op soon and his son is terminally ill.

    So things feel kinda hard right now.

    I feel a lot of pressure to make things work, although mum says she doesn’t want me to feel burdened by the other probs in the family.

    I just want to make enough money to make sure she is ok (and me obviously too).

    Its just she has worked so hard all her life and I really want her to be comfortable and relaxed in her retirement.

    Think maybe I need to do some visualization to bring in wealth and money.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Also just on how to make a successful business from what you are passionate about?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:30pm

  304. 304: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#4 The Lurker

    “Crying is only natural. But don’t overdo it. Most men see too much crying as a female tool to manipulate them. And that doesn’t go down well. Almost nobody wants his girlfriend/wife to create a daily drama.”

    I agree that if the woman is constantly crying, it is not good, but if she is really hurting, it is by far a better thing to allow her emotions to go to crying than lashing out.

    Lashing out only crates more drama and as I have said, the knight becomes defensive, not chivalrous.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:34pm

  305. 305: Angel LadyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ella,

    I hear your fear and also your determination. I can understand both. Remember what garden you want to tend….what thoughts you want to water. The abundant ones? or the scarcity ones? I know easier said than done sometimes, but oh so powerful!

    Keep envisioning all the people walking in your door. giving you checks and cash. See the universe delivering abundance to you.

    I use this powerful affirmation.. “Abundance flows through me now”.

    That helps me settle down and receive. Open your arms and receive… literally. Do it now if you want. Open up those arms… take a deep breathe and tell the universe you are ready to receive now.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:35pm

  306. 306: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Re the FB thing –

    I really want to be friends with Sirens and esp to see what everyone look like!

    Feels kinda exciting.

    On the other hand I feel a little bit anxious about it because I want to keep that part of my life with all my friends who know me separate from the blog, as I talk so openly and candidly about my life here.

    I keep thinking what if one of the Sirens recommended one of the threads here on FB and some of my friends saw it and followed the link and then saw everything I have written on here.

    I have work colleagues who are friends on FB too.

    I feel vulnerable about this.

    What do other Sirens think?

    Maybe I should change my gravatar for anonymity and on the other hand I quite like having my pic up here!

    Would love to just be me and like blah to the world, this is it, take it or leave it. But I feel too afraid to have some of the people who know me on FB reading the personal stuff I have written here!


    Any input gratefully recieved.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:46pm

  307. 307: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    HotAlphaMale circled back around. Hasn’t changed his tune. Haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and he still is wanting me to get together with him to have sex to see if we are compatible BEFORE he gets serious.

    @#31: Lilybelle

    “This is the reason I booted him off my horse, and off my horse, he remains. There is no kind of FM or anything that works this way. I told him I felt disrespected and it went right over his head, completely ignored, to which he responded, invite me over.

    I told him that felt awful and wished him luck in his adventures.

    I feel dirty and need a shower.”

    WOW! Very proud of you for having enough self respect for yourself that you don’t compromise your values just because the guy is hot.

    I would like to hear more details about this because from what you wrote, the guy has no respect for you whatsoever. he reminds me of how some of the guys I knew would say that by acting like an Alpha male it got you what you wanted and that it’s many women like the Alpha male thing. there is a difference between an actual Alpha male and a player acting like one.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:49pm

  308. 308: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Angel Lady

    Thanks so much for your support!

    Feels really good.


    Yes I am ready to receive…

    and although the work here on the blog and with Rori tends to be men and relationship focused… I beleive what we learn here can apply and help us with life in general!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:49pm

  309. 309: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Maripost0825….WOW…i feel really angry…talking bad about other women who post here is not how it’s done on this blog

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 3:52pm

  310. 310: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Re: Ella 303

    I can understand why you’d feel afraid. It’s based more on how you feel, and that’s what matters.
    For me, having Sirens on my account acts as a balm, it soothes me when I may feel sad when on FB. Seeing their pics reminds me that there are people there who are on a similar journey to mine. Sometimes I feel as if people don’t “get” it.

    In terms of disclosing info form the Blog, I think it’s been mentioned that everyone would eachother to be careful and not make references to Siren Land, or to any of our perosonal stories :) I personally don’t think it’s going to be a problem!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:04pm

  311. 311: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella….i agree with Mali…

    i was feeling nervous about it too…but now i feel comfortable about it…and i want to be open and transparent to the world…but then again i don’t lol
    but it feels good to have added sirens to my FB..just me though :) and good luck with your businesses!

    k gotta run….a lot of times by the time i catch up i have to get going…(big sigh) oh well..be back later!

    hotpilot is on his way..we are cooking dinner and hopefully hot tubbin’ too…YUM! 😉

    LD!!!yay!! eye contact sex!!! YUM!

    k ladies have a good night!! :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:12pm

  312. 312: islandgirlNo Gravatar says:

    mariposa0825 – I believe you have misread and/or misunderstood someone elses post and I am feeling angry and confused. It feels really icky to see someone written about when they seem to have been misunderstood.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:18pm

  313. 313: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LD and Turtle Girl:

    I felt tearful this morning reading your posts…You ladies made my day :) I felt so happy for you…couldn’t wait to get home to share this with you…

    Big warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:30pm

  314. 314: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    So happy to hear about your job and that your relationship with your husband is improving :) Just awesome :)

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:31pm

  315. 315: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:



    I feel good to hear that from you..

    I USED to be one of those women who would or could be swayed by a pretty face. But, I finally got smart. Better late than never. 😉

    Oh and I told him that I felt completely disrepected and of course, he said he felt the same way because “before “we” (WHAT??) are exclusive, I need to know that we are sexually compatible.” I told him (and this is from when we first met a couple months ago) that I wasn’t talking about exclusivity with him. I didn’t go on many dates with him, I kicked him off my horse because no matter what I said, no matter whether I used FM’s or whether I just came out and told him he was backwards, nothing and I mean nothing, I said was heard by him. And of course, I got the guilt in response when I told him that wasn’t an option, that I feel better to be dated, taken out for dinner (See, you want something from me..) and that I wasn’t going to allow him to treat me in that manner and wished him good luck.

    Then he showed up again yesterday. I hadn’t contacted him at all, of course. And honestly, hadn’t given him a thought since then. I knew I was being disrespected and I just simply wasn’t going to allow that in my space again, ever. Same thing yesterday, “I felt something with you, let’s go out again.” And the whole thing started all over, leaving me feel dirty and needing a shower. 😉

    Mind you, I am not a prude but that is a completely bass ackwards way to look at dating. What I can’t figure out is, why he would circle back around to me after not speaking for this long. He knew where I stood, I did not keep it a secret. Why bother?

    I felt when we were out, I couldn’t match him. I couldn’t outgirl him no matter how I tried. I felt off balance and that had never happened to me before.
    And, it felt exhausting.


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:43pm

  316. 316: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I reserve my right to cry…if I so feel…even if that is in front of a man…

    Crying as being a quality of the weakest…oh I feel so sad and heartbroken to hear some still believing in it…

    I imagine two women: both heartbroken, both feeling betrayed, and angry…

    One woman…clenching her fists…frown on her face…forward shoulders…shouting “It’s over” and she sure lets him have it…there are no tears…the anger and hate show on her face…or maybe total disconnect…cold…she resembles the imagine of the Sphinx…

    She moves on…yet, she carries her fears and betrayal along with her…she hasn’t healed…she’s got no time for that…she needs to strategize for her happiness…her heart has a “closed” sign on…Some dare to knock…she thinks too much…she talks too much…she knows it all…she tells him how and why… yet, she feels nothing…

    The other woman…her face expressing deep sadness and sorrow…tears flow like rivers down her face…she surrenders to her feelings…yet, she is standing tall…her voice is calm and peaceful…she say “It’s over”…and then, she moves on…This woman is a Queen and a Mother…This woman is a strong woman…to me…

    Tinque says”A man heals through the heart of a woman”…and keeping our hearts cold and closed will never happen…We set a precedent…

    Teaching a man a “lesson” with a closed heart…the lesson he learns…is fear…the next relationship will be built on fear…of messing it up again…and experiencing the same coldness, harshness, never good enough…walking on eggshells it would sure begin to build anger, resentment…and then, the vicious cycle starts all over again…

    Knowing the power to heal this world stands within me…the Woman…feels overwhelming…I feel tearful and joyful…what a wonderful responsibility…As long as we continue to perpetuate a world based on “teaching each other a lesson”…”tit for tat”…”an eye for an eye”…we will never heal…and resentment, anger, hate will continue…

    We are the messengers of love, we are created by the Mighty God for love…what a beautiful gift…and my gosh…we sure Women have the Power to Choose…and be the change we are seeking in others…

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:43pm

  317. 317: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    btw, sorry about my big long post. I had a lot I wanted to get off my chest. If anyone feels up to reading it and letting me know their thoughts, I’d be interested to hear – and impressed that you got through it! lol

    I agree with Mariposa0825. I think the problem is largely with the guy. I got the sense, when I was with my ex, that part of the reason he was so devoted to this other woman (his “best friend”) was that she was inaccessible – like I was before we dated. I think he liked me more when I was “inaccessible,” too (i.e. dating his friend). Once we were together, it was like he lost that special spark. Opening up to a guy like that does almost no good, because he just won’t appreciate getting to know the real you – he doesn’t want the real you. He wants to want you and not have you. The best thing you can do in that situation is to get out, and find a guy who is actually open and willing to have a real relationship – with a woman who is actually there with him.

    Ella – I was actually just thinking today about how much I love my Zumba class, and want to go back. It’s such a great mood booster. And hey, two people is two people. If you keep at it in a positive way, then more people will start to show up! I hope soon! :)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:45pm

  318. 318: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    Everything you’re saying resonates with me. The core of RR is learning your happiness and confidence comes from within you- not resting on the shoulders of a man to bring you there. My vibe has been a bit higher the past few days. My goal is to make it high again. For me. But not gonna lie, I want to connect with him again and hopefully he will be attracted to my inner light confidence. I hope he even LETS me connect with him. First, he’d have to answer the phone if I called, right?

    And 5 mins ago, I just put LIKE on his latest fb status about how great tour is going. I felt genuininely happy for him. And it’s been over a month since our fb LIKE exchange instigated by him that went nowhere and just stayed at an fb LIKE exchange. I didn’t even wish him happy 40th birthday. And I still have no idea if he ever picked up my Xmas gift to him, and if he did, who knows if he liked it.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 4:53pm

  319. 319: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    “Rori I have a question based on my observations about myself and two concepts that you teach. One is leaning back, being a girl and feeling letting energy to come to me and the other which you also teach which is being a rock, having boundaries and not letting my “pearls be thrown to swine.” So how do you do this?”

    That’s eternal paradox of this entire blog. Stick around; you’ll figure out more. /:)/

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:08pm

  320. 320: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OMG LD, I am so excited for you! You definitely have a winner! And it is sooooooo sexy when the guy gives you eye contact during sex… OMG…

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:42pm

  321. 321: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl and Mel! Good news all around on the blog today! Yay!!!!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:42pm

  322. 322: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #301 Rusty: “I agree that if the woman is constantly crying, it is not good, but if she is really hurting, it is by far a better thing to allow her emotions to go to crying than lashing out.
    Lashing out only crates more drama and as I have said, the knight becomes defensive, not chivalrous.”

    Hmm, dunno what’s better for the woman, imho both reactions are not helpful in a relationship, when this happens regularly. And from my male perspective, I would react on this with communicating there’s some going wrong. Which would probably not be well received, since I’m too rational in such moments. I could use advice about how to find the right tone, do you know a good website offering such relationship help for guys?

    Otherwise, if talking fails, defense mode, right. As in “tactical retreat” or even “strategical retreat”.

    Btw, trying to make a feeling message:
    I feel discussions between males on a blog that focusses on women helping themselves should be avoided as much as possible.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:47pm

  323. 323: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    roflmao!!! Lurker oh, my gosh….that’s what I was so thinking. I love it!!! And have you checked out Scott McKay? He’s the Chick Whisperer and the Man’s Man…and just an all around amazing guy. he’s at http://edumckaytion.com/blog/ and wow! his post that’s up is how to make women laugh and what to do when they cry. It’s a strange strange world we live in!!! Awestruck….

    I love it that you’re here, was just wondering about you….and the name…

    a man that can make someone laugh? Well, just remember Jessica Rabbit!!!!

    (and Hiya, Rusty too)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 5:54pm

  324. 324: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh sweet lurker, I love that you feel concerned about having male to male conversations on the blog.

    And I love that you tried to use a feeling message.

    If you don’t mind, I’d like to share something about feeling messages because there has been confusion here in the past. People have said that they don’t work but that is often because they aren’t using actual feeling messages.

    Technically your isn’t a feeling message because there is no actual feeling following the word feel.

    … I feel concerned because I think discussions between males on a blog that focusses on women helping themselves should be avoided as much as possible…

    I feel really appreciative your concern about the vibe here and I look forward to hearing more from you!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:57pm

  325. 325: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 318 kaitlyn I see some things to celebrate in that first para.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 6:58pm

  326. 326: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Also, please forgive me for being a stickler for details. I just feel very passionate about feeling messages!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:02pm

  327. 327: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Mel: congrats on the job and improving vibes with hubby :-)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:03pm

  328. 328: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 268 yyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 7:07pm

  329. 329: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Rori is right – while you’re working on a commitment, you’re still only dating. I learned this the hard way. I think regardless of what a man says, it is best to pay attention to what they do or don’t do. If he cares about you and is serious about pursuing a more committed relationship with you, he will find the courage, or as Rori would say, be “inspired” to pursue you, care more about your feelings and thereby be motivated to politely move away from his relationship with his ex and the “need to be needed.,” because he would not want to lose you. I like what Rori said. Just talk to him with feeling words and be honest about how you feel without making it about him. In the meantime, Martine, try and focus on yourself, go out, talk with other men (you can still date this guy), but please, don’t let get your heart anymore emotionally involved. Like I said, I learned this the hard way. There were red flags that though I know my ex liked me, he was not that into me as I was with him. He broke up with me but he still wants to talk and be friends. I did not want to be the “ex that keeps hanging around.” I want to keep whatever self-respect and dignity I have left. I will be honest, I love him very much (despite the red flags and him telling me that he is not in love with me when he broke up with me), but it is torture for me to hang around while he dates. Our last conversation, I told him that I am not angry with him, but I cannot be friends either. I admitted that I was in love with him and still is in love with him and that’s the reason why I can’t hang around while he dates. It’s just torture. It’s been close to 5 months now and I still cry and I still want him back. RORI, ANY ADVICE FOR HEALING A BROKEN HEART? I SO MUCH WANT TO CALL HIM BUT I KNOW THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR EITHER ONE OF US. I am sorry to use this thread of discussion to ask for help, but I am really desperate for help. I have your e-book and just recently ordered the Modern Siren. I am expecting it to come in the mail soon. Thanks a lot, Rori. I hope to hear from you.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:12pm

  330. 330: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    329 Paula0126,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. A broken heart is not a fun thing to mend, but the best way is to take care of yourself, do things you like to do, and concentrate on you. Are you ready to date again? Put yourself online perhaps and start circular dating? For me, it has really helped me with my self esteem. When I divorced, I thought I was a middle-aged, frumpy, average “mom” that nobody would want but have since learned that I am a sexy, desirable woman that men want to be with. I never saw myself that way before. No, I haven’t found “the one” and still have issues to work on, but I love me so much more. The E-book and watching Modern Siren has really helped me alot as well and so has the monthly interviews. So it looks like you took a step in the right direction!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 8:47pm

  331. 331: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Paula! I’m sure you’ll get lots of great advice and for me – I went back and read all the old posts. There’s several about how we really have to move on without ever getting closure; Rori would say just put him on the back of your horse and ride on – he’ll drop off eventually. And in the meantime? find anything that makes you feel better – a spring flower, a long bath, a walk, a journaling…

    One girl came here and made a list…and then when you’re feeling bad you just pick something off that list.

    The only other thing I hope for you is that you can avoid contact with him – it’s really the ONLY way he’ll ever come back around if he’s going to – you moving forward and just falling in love with you and your life.

    And it’s hard, really hard – love doesn’t die. So you just keep the good part, the love, and you figure out how to move forward, or just get through your day – or even through the next 10 minutes.

    Thank you for sharing your story,


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:37pm

  332. 332: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker – guy speak for feelings?

    I feel awkward, nah
    I feel silly – maybe
    I feel lame – maybe
    I feel serious…I seriously feel, dude
    I feel laughably absurd
    I enjoy these women and …..
    I feel secure enough to….
    I feel weird….

    I am weirded out ….
    I feel a need…no, off track.

    Maybe don’t wants?

    I don’t want to feel weird

    I don’t know but I know I enjoy your company and hope you hang around. Not all tools have to be used at all times, feel speak is a great tool but not a requirement for being here!

    So – to all the guys I’ve said hello to here….singing Julio Iglesias…or something.

    Thanks guys!!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:42pm

  333. 333: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps. Paula – the threads are used for exactly what you’re here doing! The topics are nice, but the blog is for healing…welcome to your healing spot!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:43pm

  334. 334: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Paula: There is a saying

    “rejection is god’s protection”

    I was just thinking the other day how true this has proven to be in my life. Looking back on all the men who have broken my heart over the years, I can honestly say I am so thankful that I didn’t end up with any of them. Now that I am out of the haze I can see that they weren’t good matches for me.

    It feels good to love. We were made to love. It’s our very purpose on this planet. We get heartbroken when we think we will never love again.

    But the great news is there are lots and lots of people in this world to love. Keep your heart open.

    Your love is out there. The sooner you can let this go and move on, the sooner he will be able to find you!!!


    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:44pm

  335. 335: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy about having guys on the blog. I appreciate hearing their perspectives especially when they are making an effort to respect the way we try to communicate on the blog. I feel so good about that. I feel cherished and respected and safe.

    I also feel curious. I want to hear more. I want to know what they think about all of this.

    My curiosity feels insatiable.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:55pm

  336. 336: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, If you feel inspired I would love to hear what attracts you to a woman? What makes you feel inspired to chase her and claim her? If there was one quality that you would encourage a woman to cultivate, what would it be?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 9:59pm

  337. 337: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Paula: I was just thinking of you and remembering a heartache remedy that I’ve have.

    I gather up all of the love stored up inside me for that one man and start generously dispersing it to others who need love. This is an energetic thing that I am visualizing in my head. I pour this love all over myself, all over people I pass on the streets, all over puppies, and flowers, people in the car next to me, whomever!

    I try to let that love flow. It seems to keep the heart open.

    Very important to remember to pour copious amounts on self!

    Also I try to practice lots and lots of gratitude for all the awesome things I do have. Sometimes when I am feeling bad, I notice that it’s because I’m not noticing all the wonder and magic that is happening around me.

    I’m thinking about you and wishing speedy heart healing!

    There is lots of love and joy waiting out there for you when you are ready. :-)

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:21pm

  338. 338: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Arrghh! I’m feeling frustrated and stuck and hoping for some input to help me shift things a bit with a fella I’m pretty keen on. I posted about this a couple of months ago so reposting some of what I wrote then.

    FEB 2011
    “There is a guy that I have been texting/IM/phoning for about a year. I feel really close to him sometimes (and I think he feels that too). I want more, but I need him to step up and ask for it. He shares a lot with me about his family and trusts me enough to share confidential business info with me. He doesn’t share that sort of thing easily and it feels good that he values my opinion.
    He has said that he wants to meet with me and get to know me better and I said I would like that too. He knows that I am dating other men but that I’m not exclusive with anyone. He has said we should marry and that we would be good for each other. I think he is having an “imaginary relationship” how can he know that..we have only met briefly years ago. Arghh!! I am so attracted to him!
    It seems like he wants to keep me at arm’s length though. Wants me to be there when he wants someone to share with, but often if I initiate he backs away. I felt like I was being too available to him so I said that I wasn’t going to do the all night facebook chat thing anymore. He texts a lot now, but goes quiet for a few days every now and then. That makes me feel very anxious.”

    BACK TO THE PRESENT…. very little has changed except that I almost never initiate these days and use FMs a lot more. He is texting more than ever and with a greater depth. I no longer feel anxious when I don’t hear from him but I do feel stuck and I would like to see if this “thing” we have going has legs.

    Up till now, I have stayed open and happy to hear from him, because that is truely how I feel when I get his texts..I often end our little convos early with soft FMs about feeling warm and sleepy etc etc.

    How do I create the space for him to miss me without shutting him out or ignoring him? Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can step things up with him without leaning forward?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 10:58pm

  339. 339: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #303 – You said, “Think maybe I need to do some visualization to bring in wealth and money.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Also just on how to make a successful business from what you are passionate about?”

    I highly recommend Siena, who used to be on this blog and now is occasionally. She is a business coach for women, and her website is joyful support. Your questions are right up her alley.

    About Zumba, it started in Colombia, and it took some time to catch on in the US. Now it’s becoming a household word! And the classes are packed! Run a session or two out in a crowded public place, and it’ll spread fast! It’s so much fun!

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:02pm

  340. 340: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Re: #338 – How about something like this:

    “It feels good to hear from you, and I feel tired of texting. I don’t want to have a text-only relationship. What do you think?”

    You could see how he responds, and if he still doesn’t get it, maybe something like this:

    “It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. I don’t want to text anymore. What do you think?”

    Does this help?

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:08pm

  341. 341: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Brenda,

    I feel a bit scared to say “I don’t want to have a text only relationship” because I don’t really see it as a relationship per se and I think that might put him into defence mode. He is a bit ‘gun shy’.

    Your second suggestion feels good though. Perhaps if I mix them a bit and say something like:

    “I feel happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. What do you think?”

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:24pm

  342. 342: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Or maybe it would be better to say

    “I always feel so happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. What do you think?”

    Leave it up to him to suggest what could be done about it.

    Tuesday, 19 April 2011 @ 11:30pm

  343. 343: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Yours are good too. Here are some more that I saved previously. I just emailed them to myself from my old computer, because I haven’t transferred my files yet to my new computer:

    i feel sad… I don’t want a text only relationship.

    It feels nice to hear from you; I prefer we talk in human, what do you think?

    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet… what do you think?”
    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet. I don’t want an email-only relationship. What do you think?”

    Thanks for the message – I have decided to give up text-messaging – I like you and feel better when I can talk with you.

    Thanks for the text – just not the same as great conversation up close and personal! What do you think?


    I feel interested in getting to know you. It would feel good to answer your questions in person. Sometimes email feels so impersonal. What do you think?


    It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:11am

  344. 344: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    It has been three days since X texted me saying that he will arrange the money in 3 days.
    It a week since I asked for money
    No news from him
    I feel angry
    I dont feel like asking for it again
    I dont feel like letting him get away without paying for the expenses eiher

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:34am

  345. 345: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    Can I use paypal? As I have no credit card but interest in the e book.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:56am

  346. 346: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee –

    I think I’ve missed something in the interim. I remember that X was offering to pay, and you weren’t sure if you wanted that.

    It sounds like you have agreed, and now he is making overtures, but perhaps dragging his heels. I’d say the one thing to not do is to hound him about it.

    But I just want you to know that I feel what you are feeling right now, because I’ve been there before – where a guy promises something, and then drags his feet as if you are “making” him do it. And all you want to do is get on his case and make it happen. But that NEVER works for me…

    And I’m not sure what the guy mechanism is for this, but I know that it is super frustrating.

    But he said 3 days, and it’s only been 3 days. It could be that he forgot. Maybe there is a hang-up on his end. If it’s a lot of money, maybe it’s just challenging for him to do. It could be emotional for him as well.

    There could be any number of things going on that you don’t know about. If you say “where’s the money?” it might make him feel worse about whatever is going on for him, and you want him to give this to you freely. You don’t want to be forcing it out of him. He offered, and he said he would do it. Give him at least a little more time to follow through.

    In the mean time, is the bill paid for and he’s paying you back? Is there a deadline that you need to meet? if he doesn’t pay for some reason, can you pay it yourself? This is just to consider in terms of your “vibe” and whether or not you feel like you “need” him to pay. It may be the right thing for him to do. But remember that he already knows that it’s the right thing for him to do. You don’t need to remind him. And remember that you weren’t sure you even wanted him to do it. Maybe you will be better off if he doesn’t? There are many possibilities.

    I know how hard it is to not fixate on something like this. Try not to let yourself fall into the trap. Get a glass of wine and watch your favorite movie. Cuddle with a pet, if you have one. Go for a walk. Do anything for yourself that will make you happy, and perhaps while you are not thinking about it, the right answer will come to you.

    You’re strong. I believe in you!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:02am

  347. 347: LDNo Gravatar says:

    LG and Jaqueline,

    Great advice for Paula! It’s so hard to see past the pain of a broken heart or sting of rejection, but it’s so true that if we let go of closure and keep our hearts open and love ourselves even greater things happen for us.

    I know just a few months ago I was incessantly overanalyzing what happened to IntenseChemistryGuy who poofed on me, and once I decided to just let go of the need for closure with him and stop focusing on the outcome with any man, D came into my life. He is a better man than I ever dreamed I would have. I posted on here before that it feels almost like I custom ordered him from a catalog, and I can’t even imagine being with any of the men who poofed or rejected me or broke my heart now. If I had known D was around the corner and how easy and good things could really feel with a man, I wouldn’t have wasted 2 1/2 years pining over THE EX. I can’t even imagine that I once thought he was perfect for me now, and he was one of the good ones.

    I firmly believe that it takes a combination of chemistry, compatibility and timing to make things work in a relationship. I have so often in my life been a “two out of three aint bad” girl and settled when one of the three was missing. But now I realize how much time and energy I’ve spent trying to force those square pegs into round holes and then wondered why the edges weren’t smooth.

    The difference with D from the over 100 men I’ve CDed in the past 2 1/2 years is that we have all three. The chemistry was strong from the first second we met. We are so compatible that it feels like we’ve known each other forever and is just easy to be together. We laugh constantly. AND we are in the same place in our lives, want the same things and have the same viewpoints on pretty much everything. There just isn’t any friction. It’s relaxing, fun, peaceful, easy. The way it should be.

    We did have our first disagreement the other day though. D says he thinks communication is the 3rd of the three important relationship qualities and not timing. He said with our chemistry, compatibility and communication, who cares about the timing? He said if I wasn’t in the same place as he was timing wise, he’d just wait me out as long as it took because he knows how rare it is to have the other three things.

    Even disagreeing with him feels amazing…. : )

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:22am

  348. 348: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 344 Meeemee what do you feel like doing?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:41am

  349. 349: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RiverGirl you saying that he is gunshy is just you making up stories; he is doing what he wants to do or the best he knows how for the moment. My opinion is to just share what you want to do and then don’t engage him in texting if that is not what you want. That would be boundary setting for both you and at the same time teaching him how you want to be treated.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:46am

  350. 350: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RiverGirl you also said that you felt frustrated and that you are keen on him. It seems saying that you are tired of texting might not be the authentic truth? I would say that if you are not sure about what you feel around texting, I would just share that I do not want to text any longer. Also what I have learnt thus far have me thinking that he might be feeling your keeness or eagerness to connect with him and it might feel scary for him. Is there anyway you could turn that around?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:50am

  351. 351: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 338 RiverGirl this place “Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can step things up with him” I am not convinced is the place to be; the guy is the one who should be stepping things up and maybe he thinks the best way to do that is texting.

    How about “I feel happy to receive your messages knowing that you are thinking of me. It would make me feel even happier if I hear your voice”.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:54am

  352. 352: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    I should have added what do you think?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:55am

  353. 353: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: The only way to help yourself not feel bad when you “like” on his fb or when you leave messages that he doesn’t return is to stop doing those things. You seem to be doing them in the hopes of a reaction from him. When he doesn’t react, you get sad. He’s not going to be attracted to the sad you…again, the only way he’s going to feel attracted is for you to get happy (not fake a good vibe by being friendly on fb)…so the answer is for YOU to stop doing things that make you sad. You can say it makes you sad when he doesn’t respond, but the reality is…it makes you sad when YOU do something he doesn’t respond to.

    Let him miss you if he’s going to miss you. If he doesn’t miss you, then go out there and find someone who cares a whole hellava lot more than that.

    I don’t know Kaitlyn…I’m not sure what to say…with every ounce of my being I believe you need to totally stop what you’re doing and let him come to you if he wants to.

    Much Love,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:58am

  354. 354: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    How about I feel curious to know what your voice sounds like. It’s been such a long time I have forgotten.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:58am

  355. 355: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Paula what I did when I was hurting real bad was to roll up like a ball in a fetus position, climbed into bed and just cried. It took some time that particular day but at the end the intensity was less. It might sound like a pity party but what I was doing was sitting with myself and my feeling and just sinking into it trying to embrace it. Each time the sadness came up after that I allowed myself to cry. What I have found is that heart break takes time to heal. I think of it as an actual wound that needs to heal. There is also hormones involved so it is not a hop skip and jump to get over someone. Someone mentioned a shaman ritual about cutting cords, I hope they share it again as it helps to take your energy back. I also say “I forgive you: aloud to myself and to others that broke my heart. I say it aloud and use their names. Saying it aloud helps me to accept it intellectually and in my spirit. Now I have moved to being grateful for the time I spent with them and to wish that they find happiness in whatever way it means to them. It takes time as it is a process but you have to keep believing that your brain will eventually catch up. Right now it will light up with love for this person so be gentle with yourself, is what I would recommend.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:10am

  356. 356: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 337

    Nice LG! Very sweet response.

    I felt good reading it! :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:34am

  357. 357: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    From Bob:
    In a recent media interview, the interviewer asked me if my wife and me ever argued. I suppose
    they were trying to ask me a trick question. Without even thinking I responded, “No we don’t
    argue, because my wife won’t participate.” The interviewer paused for a moment, surprised by my

    She asked me what that meant (since she obviously hadn’t read The Woman Men Adore), and I
    told her that if our disagreements become too competitive, my wife simply leaves the room. It’s
    at that point that I realize that I’m being too aggressive.

    Now, the good news for me is that she doesn’t have to leave the room anymore. Well, rarely. I
    know better. Even though my wife is quite capable of debating with the best of them, she knows
    that most effective way to get a man’s attention is to ignore them.

    What happens next? When I calm down, she’ll finish the discussion. Oh we may disagree and get
    upset with each other. However, during those times I forget that she’s expensive; I’m quickly
    reminded never to take her for granted.

    Did You Know:
    Even in good relationships, 70% of relationship problems never get solved. Most relationship
    issues are the kind that need to be worked around rather than solved.

    Source: Alice Boyers

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:49am

  358. 358: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline, thx for the link! I very much appreciate this. Also, thank you, and LG, for the positive feedback. But take my comments w/ a grain of salt, pls, ladies! I’m probably not the typical male, more of a lonesome wolf, and thus I dunno how much my answers can help u w/ other guys. I’m not an alpha male like Rusty, leadership isn’t so desirable for me. I’m too much of an individualist, even though in the past I stepped up and lead when the situations required it. All in all, I’m a nice guy with some serious flaws. So, don’t be surprised if I’ll disagree w/ Rusty sometimes. We guys simply aren’t all the same.

    Having said that, I’m not sure if making feeling messages is a good idea for a man like me, who’s already too emotional sometimes, and who should focus on his boy energy instead. But, ok:

    I feel understood.
    I feel accepted.
    I feel encouraged.

    Good enuff? 😀

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:02am

  359. 359: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker, that feels great to read.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:10am

  360. 360: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:



    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:13am

  361. 361: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    @RiverGirl, imho your FM should do the trick:
    “I always feel so happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. What do you think?”

    That you feel “tired” should lead the guy to come up with an idea about how to “fix” that (if he isn’t totally insensitive :D). If he only proposes phoning or skyping in his response, Brenda’s proposal would be the right follow up:
    “It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. What do you think?”

    This should trigger something, in a positive way. It may be a moment of truth, where he comes out with a problem that is holding him back, though. But after all this time, imho you should really lovingly encourage him to do the next step, even if his repsonse may not be the one you want to hear. You deserve to have clarity about that guy’s seriousness now! He obviously enjoyed the long distance, virtual “relationship” (why not simply call it friendship?), so he should feel the need not to risk that. If he’s serious, he will step up now.

    Crossing my fingers for you!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:18am

  362. 362: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lurker. I was wondering about that too…if it makes sense for a man to practice feeling messages.

    On the one hand, Rori says to ask men what they think and for us women to share what we feel.

    But on the other hand, communcation styles like NVC have both men and women sharing feeling equally.

    Also on the blog, sirens have commented that when they start using FM’s, they notice that men sometimes start mirroring them back.

    And Rori says the the feminine open the man up to his own emotional world.

    So basically what I’m saying is, I feel unsure myself of whether or not it makes sense for a man to practice feeling messages. I do feel curious though.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:21am

  363. 363: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    …and a man heals through a womans heart.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:27am

  364. 364: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I finally got around to reading the book “The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He’s Going to Marry You–in 30 Days or Less!” I believe Nancy recommended it. Wow. It makes so much sense. It feels great to read. Rori’s stuff coupled with this book feels so right!
    And my Calling In The One class starts on Monday. Yeah!

    I really feel excited. I believe that seeing the stories of quick-ish relationships (there have been quite a few, both here and in real life in just the past week!!!) is God preparing me for my own relationship! To go ahead and get my judgments out now so that when I’m in one myself I won’t freak out too much. Seriously excited!!

    Something is shifting. I’m starting to believe this could actually happen and be real AND easy AND quick. I read LD’s post about D, and it reads like Mercedes posts about J. Just funny to read the words and get the same vibe from them (in a great way). And then my girlfriend is dating this guy and things are moving quickly. It’s like seeing previews of my own movie! Upcoming attractions!!! :-)

    My new beliefs are being reflected back to me in the form of positive stories from the people around me. It’s law of attraction for sure. Even made a new friend who has been married for 17 years.

    I feel so grateful for the mirrors in my life, reflecting the good and the bad. Such a surprise and so thankful I’m finally noticing this now.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:34am

  365. 365: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle: re 363

    yes, that’s the phrase I was looking for :-)

    …and a man heals through a womans heart.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:37am

  366. 366: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Also, Rori recommends that we use both our masculine and feminine sides. She says we can become adept at switching hats depending on the situation.

    I wonder if it’s the same for a man? I’m guessing so.

    I personally find a man who can switch hats quite attractive. I like a man who is in touch with his own emotions but who isn’t run by them. A man who can understand the emotional waves that I experiece but who can also protect me from a lion. Hahaha

    Well, you know what I mean!

    I personally wonder if the alpha male concept is a little overblown. From my perspective, what women want is a man who is more masculine than them and who treats her like a goddess. He doesn’t have to be the most masculine man in the room.

    I feel curious to hear other people’s perspectives on this.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:52am

  367. 367: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome SS! I feel so good and hopeful reading your post!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:03am

  368. 368: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Goodmorning Ladies! :)

    SS…yay..i feel excited for you! i bet your “Calling in the One Class” will feel so inspiring I hope you keep us posted on all your ah ha’s :) (not sure if that’s how it’s spelled lol)

    Lillybelle…sorry to hear about the creepers…it will pass…just think of it as movement…the universe is clearing things out right now… :) don’t give up!

    i feel happy when the men post too..i like getting their perspectives

    i had another amazing night with hotpilot :)

    i noticed myself starting to overfunction…

    US on the phone before he came over…him wondering if i wanted to go out and meet up with some of his friends he hasn’t seen..me wondering if we should still do dinner at my place cause my roommate decided to have her Manfriend come over..

    HIM: what should we do?
    ME: trying to figure it out in my head and come up with a plan and i just STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I got into my feelings…i was feeling bad and overwhelmed and stressed
    ME: i don’t know…i feel overwhelmed and i don’t want to make the decision
    HIM: ok…what can I DO to make it easier for you??

    BIG HAPPY SIGH from me….i LOVE when a man steps up!!!!!!!

    So he made the decision and he ended up coming over and he asked about my day and came over and gave me a BIG HUG and i just melted into him and said

    I felt overwhelmed today with everything and this feels good and he just held me and comforted me…and i felt sooo happy

    then this morning he said he would make dinner…and i found myself wanting to overfunction again!!!! but i stopped again…i wanted to volunteer to bring stuff over and all sorts of overfunctioning/giving things…but i pulled myself back to me and took a breath…

    very interesting things i noticed!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:04am

  369. 369: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl, Have you heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I’m noticing a story that you’re telling, and my mind is questioning if it’s true or not.

    “It seems like he wants to keep me at arm’s length though. Wants me to be there when he wants someone to share with, but often if I initiate he backs away.”

    1. Is it true he wants to keep me at arm’s length?

    2. Can I really know he wants to keep me at arm’s length?

    3. How do I react when I believe the thought “he wants to keep me at arm’s length”?

    4. Who would I be without the thought “he wants to keep me at arm’s length”?

    Turn arounds (Do these feel true or truer than the original thought? What examples can I find that make these statements also true?)
    1. I keep him/my relationships at arm’s length.
    2. I keep me at arm’s length.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:11am

  370. 370: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Brenda, FP and Lurker for your input. I’ve never been very good at asking for what I want so I appreciate your help.

    Just so happens that his opening msg to me tonight was telling me that he had just managed to wipe all his contacts from his new iphone. I responded with “Ooops! Not to worry, I mainly prefer to talk in human if high tech fails!”

    I probably could have worded that better and he didn’t comment on it in his next msg. Hopefully though, I have given him the idea that I might like something different. I’ll see what happens and say something more direct if nothing changes.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:14am

  371. 371: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    LG, When you write alpha male, what picture comes to your mind? I bet every one of us pictures something different. I used to picture “alpha male” as Mr. Manly Man, the strong aggressive type. Now I see Mr. Manly Man as not that strong because he didn’t stick up for me and my beliefs. He just wanted to railroad me with HIS beliefs. No thanks. :-)

    So right now “alpha male” for me is a confident man. I’m also picturing a laid back guy. Comfortable in his skin. No pressure kind of man. He knows what he wants, and he knows he will have it when he sees it. I’m picturing a lion stalking his prey. He doesn’t charge every gazelle he sees. He waits til he finds the right one. No wasted energy. That’s alpha to me.

    Haha! I just described a List man. LOL! Too funny!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:19am

  372. 372: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    I like your now description of “Alpha Male.” Right now, mine images of an Alpha Male are skewed to the one I mention earlier and as you describe.. the strong, aggressive type who won’t take no for an answer.

    I way prefer your description. I need to work on changing my belief about that.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:37am

  373. 373: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Re: #370 – You said, “Ooops! Not to worry, I mainly prefer to talk in human if high tech fails!”

    I like that kind of feeling message best, when I just say something that fits in the moment! Good job!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:45am

  374. 374: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon @ 369
    “Have you heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I’m noticing a story that you’re telling, and my mind is questioning if it’s true or not”

    I have heard mention of The Work by Byron Katie but not familiar with the ideas there. I will look for it.

    Truth is that I’m confused about what he wants. Certainly he values our friendship. He is a bit of a loner and I think that he likes the companionship and sharing everyday stuff. As do I. There are a lot of similarities in our personal circumstances. He has been texting me almost every night and always flattering and supportive to me. It certainly feels like he wants more but then I wonder if that is real because he hasn’t wanted to take things further yet.

    I would like to get to know him better, there is a lot I like and admire about him and I feel attracted to him, but I am also very aware that we don’t really know each other very well without spending time together. So I’m wary of projecting too much to fill in the gaps. Also trying to lean back and let him move at a pace of his choosing.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:46am

  375. 375: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    Jilly~ I like the way you think. The Universe IS clearing things out for me. I also cleared out one for myself this morning too…

    I have been talking/texting with a man but haven’t met him yet. He was increasingly getting more “demanding” of my time, applying pressure and almost stalking me, leaving me a voice mail, text AND an email on the site where I met him. The more this happend, the more icky I felt. Last night he left me a voice mail at 10:00 at night, acknowledged that it was too late to call but he hadn’t heard from me,

    I released him and wished him well. I don’t like being pressured and I felt uncomfortable. I hadn’t even met him yet.

    I feel strong when I listen to what my gut feelings are telling me.

    Nice job with catching the overfunctioning. And NICE job, Hotpilot for stepping up. I like him.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:47am

  376. 376: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:


    “So right now “alpha male” for me is a confident man. I’m also picturing a laid back guy. Comfortable in his skin. No pressure kind of man. He knows what he wants, and he knows he will have it when he sees it. I’m picturing a lion stalking his prey. He doesn’t charge every gazelle he sees. He waits til he finds the right one. No wasted energy. That’s alpha to me.”

    That is the kind of man I feel attracted to as well but when I hear the term alpha I think of something different.

    I wonder if that is what Lurker means when he says alpha?

    I feel better about reframing alpha to your description.

    What do you mean by “a List man”. Is that from the book you are reading?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:51am

  377. 377: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lil, I’m practicing The Work so I’m gonna do that on this belief (cuz I think I still have it).

    I want a strong aggressive Alpha male.

    1. Is it true? My heart says no.

    2. Can I really know that’s true? No. Alpha male is just some picture I have in my head. I’m not really clear on what it means. It’s all hypothetical.

    3. How do I react when I think the thought “I want an alpha male”? I judge every man I see against a measuring stick that’s not even well formed in my own mind. <– That's funny. How do I know he's an alpha male or not? Giggles. Oops.

    4. Who would I be without the thought? I'd feel more open to each man who shows up and be able to enjoy the time with him rather than checking a box yes or no.

    Turn arounds:
    1. I don't want a strong aggressive Alpha male. Yes, I can find that. I judged Mr. Manly Man as not strong and not desirable even though I saw him as Alpha.
    2. I want to be a strong and aggressive Alpha female. Yes, I can find that too. I don't want to feel weak (weak boundaries, accepting crumbs, etc.) and I want to be aggressive about my own goals (read: passionate, no more pussy-footing around, no more mediocre living).

    Hehe. I feel happy that I'm finally doing The Work. I kept putting it off because it confuses me some and because it seems so "out there" (but that's just a thought!) Yeah me!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:00am

  378. 378: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    355. FemininePower, Paula

    I know that I posted about the cutting cords tool at one time, and yes, it has been a serious go-to, in times of heightened emotion, when you just can’t seem to get out of a negative feedback loop or keep obsessing about another person. With this tool, you symbolically separate your energy investment, represented by cords, that you have attached to another person.

    In your mind’s eye, see yourself and the person connected by many cords, coming from different places all over your bodies. These cords are like energy circuits, and you are pumping precious energy into this person and the situation. Imagine you are holding a machete, or knife. You may then say whatever you like, maybe something along the lines of, “I am grateful for our experiences together. I feel blessed by having had your presence in my life. Good luck and godspeed to you.” or, again, whatever feels good. And then slice the cords, with powerful large downward sweeping motions, all around your body, from head to toe. in your mind’s eye, see the cords separating and the other person fading away into the distance. Bless them.

    The way this will work best is if you can maintain an open, soft heart, even if and while you do feel angry and have to do vampire screams- “get offa me!, get offa me!

    Remember. The soul takes responsibility. The ego blames and transfers responsibility.

    I hope this helps.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:02am

  379. 379: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a new CD, Cuddle Cub, and it really caught my eye that he’s the same age and same height as Ryan. He wanted to cuddle and kiss.

    We emailed last night and texted this morning. He said, “So do you like to kiss?”

    I texted, “I like to kiss, and to be deeply honest, I feel far more comfortable after I’ve gotten to know someone more. It feels weird to kiss a stranger.

    Cub: Oh ok. Then why respond to my ad lol

    I said I really like cuddling and somehow that doesn’t seem as personal. Just let me get to know you a little, ok?

    He said ok. You had me excited. Thought I was going to be kissing a beautiful lady this weekend.

    I don’t want to turn him off, but nor do I want to feel turned off. Any suggestions how anyone else would handle it?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:04am

  380. 380: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl, I like everything you said in 374. I’m sensing that he is giving you exactly what you need right now. I love that about him! Is there some thought in your head that says something is wrong? I’d question that thought. Or maybe it’s that you no longer need this type of relationship (long distance), and are ready to move to a relationship that’s closer to you?

    LG, yes, the book The List talks about a List man. I’m not done yet but so far, it feels so right!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:07am

  381. 381: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, WOW!

    Hmm… I feel flattered and turned on. And maybe a little scared (out of my comfort zone). I don’t want to rush things. My body and my heart are connected. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:10am

  382. 382: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hey SS! Nice to see you are on to BK too

    “Turn arounds (Do these feel true or truer than the original thought? What examples can I find that make these statements also true?)
    1. I keep him/my relationships at arm’s length.
    2. I keep me at arm’s length.”

    How about:

    I feel good about keeping some relationships at arm’s length.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:11am

  383. 383: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the cord cutting example Elizabeth.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:17am

  384. 384: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Re: #381 – Perfect!!!!! Thank you! I just texted that verbatim!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:18am

  385. 385: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:


    Bullying is perpetrated more frequently perpetrated in emotional violence – and by girls too – than by physical violence. See the ground-breaking research on emotional bullying surrounding the Columbine tragedy by Dr. Robert Galatzer-Levy of the University of Chicago.

    Bullying is more than physical. Hurtful words – coming from the mouths of girls as well as boys – delivers a blow to the young psyche that is no different than a punch to the face. I know this on a personal level, too. I was the object of relentless emotional bullying all through grade school. Few people ever knew – not teachers, not my parents, and not even my brothers.

    Why? Because a boy’s masculine instinct discourages him from complaining to others or seeking help for mere “emotional bullying.” Boy and man alike will “suck it up” and absorb the psychic damage. We do not wish to appear weak to other boys or men. It makes sense that we have this instinct. In earlier times, appearing weak to other men in the tribe, to women, and to those outside of the tribe would mean certain harm or death.

    A boy knowing that he let himself down and couldn’t defend himself will find it hard to look in the mirror.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:24am

  386. 386: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:


    You’re welcome, Feminine Power :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:26am

  387. 387: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Now I’m feeling weird. Ok, I responded to an ad that says cuddling and kissing. And now I’m in a Catch 22 feeling like what, I’ve either got to go second class or walk away, because I am hardly in a position to say I want to be wined and dined.

    He is not cool at all about meeting in a public place first. He’s willing to come to me. I suggested Starbucks. He said I don’t drink coffee. I suggested a restaurant. He said I don’t like to eat in public, I’m quirky about that. I’m supposed to let him plan the date, while indicating my preferences.

    If he had his choice, he’d come straight to my house. What am I missing here? I am way out of practicing with dating. He just texted, “I’ll meet you anywhere and what, just talk a few minutes? Or you just want to look at me?

    I wrote: “Just want to make sure you don’t have a chain saw tucked up your sleeve! LOL! :-)”

    Help! This looks a lot easier on the blog!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:36am

  388. 388: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    He said, “LOL. That’s not me. I’m not a violent person at all.

    I wrote: “Seriously, I’m kinda old fashioned and like it when a man plans a date. I’m not violent either. I’m a lover, not a fighter. :-)”

    I feel like I’m floundering.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:40am

  389. 389: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m stuck. What should I say?

    He just said, “My plan was just chill at my place or yours, watch a movie and get to kissing and cuddling like ad said lol.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:41am

  390. 390: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #376 LG: When I say “alpha male” I think of the “traditional” definition: A guy who loves to lead and to gain status and power, and who succeeds in this. Well, that’s not me.

    #370 RiverGirl I like your spontanous response! This sure made him thinking. That he hasn’t answered yet may be because he’s grown too comfortable in your long distance friendship. Seeing the need to change that may not come easy for him. So, he’s wondering what to do now. If he still hesitates, it’s time for the FM you prepared.

    #372 Lil “the strong, aggressive type who won’t take no for an answer.”
    Hmm, I’m endof40ish and grew up learning that “no means no”. Of course, I’m aware that there are different kinds of no, but I still hate it when a woman sends mixed signals. It’s ok if it’s clear that this is used only jokingly, in a teasing way, though.

    Also, the guy you described in #375, that would have been me, some months ago. I acted like a total jerk. To my defense, I can only say it was my first online friendship, and I had (and have) difficulties with the communication, because the feedback from body language and mimic is missing. Ok, it wasn’t only my mistake, imho my sweetheart could have been more forthcoming about her feelings and problems, too, but still… Gladly, I just made the first baby step in repairing the damage done, by showing my continued interest in a more laid back way. Who knows, maybe there’ll be a second chance…

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:42am

  391. 391: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m scared. I admit it. Wow, it is really hard for me to meet a new man.

    I just said, “I understand that. I feel weird and kinda ignored. I feel more at ease meeting someone in a public place the first time.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:46am

  392. 392: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    377: SS~

    I like it. I haven’t gotten into her yet but am a bit interested…enough to have peeked at her website a little bit. She is on my list of things to check deeper in to. Perhaps I can heal my deep disdain for judgement using her tools?

    I also took the recommendation for “The List” and ordered from Amazon for four bucks, Gotta love it.

    Can’t wait for it to get here.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:46am

  393. 393: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:


    If it were me, I would state what I am comfortable with in terms of where to meet, and notice from the very start, how he responds and steps up, and how the energy feels to you.

    You will get a lot of information this way, especially regarding if he is concerned about your comfort and honors your feelings and emotions. Stick to your own boundaries. I wouldn’t let him come to my house.
    Trust your feelings. If he suggests something that doesn’t feel good to you, ask him to come up with something else. Don’t be afraid of seeming too fussy or difficult to please.

    Just like the first day in school, the teacher has to set the expectations for behavior from the get-go,
    to get the best results.

    It’s all practice and therapy !
    Relax, have fun, enjoy, be safe :-)


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:47am

  394. 394: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    391: Brenda says:
    “I’m scared. I admit it. Wow, it is really hard for me to meet a new man.”

    Don’t feel scared Brenda, it may just be that this is not the new man you need to meet.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:48am

  395. 395: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    He said, “I won’t ignore you.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:49am

  396. 396: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    This one sounds like he is on a mission.

    I dunno, but saying things like “I feel ignored and I feel weird” (negative FMs) right away in the very beginning stages don’t seem to come off too good, it puts them on the defensive

    Just stick with saying what is acceptable and what isnt, and if he doesnt come up with something acceptable,
    leave it alone and move on.

    my two cents…


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:50am

  397. 397: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @ 394 rephrasing that

    Brenda, if you feel scared maybe this is not the new man you need to meet.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:52am

  398. 398: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I have virtually not dated since 2009. I need to push past my fear.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:52am

  399. 399: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel vulnerable…here’s what I just texted him:

    “I am doing my best to be positive here. For lack of more finesse, I am going to be gut level honest here. I had the most painful breakup of my life in ’09. It’s taken me this long to heal. I haven’t dated in that long. I feel more scared of being hurt again than I’d like to admit. It would feel so good to cuddle.”

    He wrote: “I’m going through same thing. Bad breakup 6 months ago and just need someone to kiss and cuddle with.”

    I wrote “Cool”


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:56am

  400. 400: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I’m not scared of this man. He has given me no reason to fear. I’m scared of men.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:58am

  401. 401: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Hm…Hi Brenda! What about: “I would love to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. But I would feel better about doing that after we met and had a more ‘traditional’ date. What do you think?”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:58am

  402. 402: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    399 Brenda



    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:00am

  403. 403: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I am becoming SO much more aware of myself thanks to Rori and all of you!

    My husband’s been really tired for a couple days (and thus somewhat distant/grumpy). This morning I could really FEEL myself getting anxious about that. What did I do? Is he mad at me? Are things deteriorating again etc…

    Then I stopped myself (turned off the projector beam- thanks femenergylove!). It’s not MY business. People are grumpy sometimes. Just relax and give him space.

    I didn’t realize just how often I would attribute my husband’s moods as something I caused! ALL THE TIME!

    Hopefully he will get some more sleep tonight and wake up with more positive energy. I think I’m some kind of energy chameleon. I tend to take on the energy (good or bad) of those around me.

    Thanks everyone for the good wishes! After 8 mo. of unemployment (except for a few contracts), I deserve this!

    It was super fun to go shopping for some new work clothes. I have lost about 20 pounds in the past year, but never got myself any new slimmer fitting clothes since I wasn’t working. It feels good to have some pretty things that flatter me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:00am

  404. 404: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    401 TMizz
    I might tweak that to
    It might feel great to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. I’ll know more how I feel about it after we meet.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:05am

  405. 405: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Feel free to tweak away!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:15am

  406. 406: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    405: TMizz
    Thanks, babe! :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:19am

  407. 407: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth, I know, TMI. Ugh. I have had some email contact with men and a little phone contact, but this time around, with him cutting to the chase with meeting and cuddling, it brought up a lot of stuff, because my relationship with Ryan started with cuddling and pillow talk, which I loved. Then all sorts of fears and suspicions arose. Ugh.

    Thanks, Tmizz.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:20am

  408. 408: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth and Tmizz,

    He stayed silent for a little while and just now he said, “Anything else you would like to do?”

    I pretty much used the tweaked FM, “It might feel wonderful to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. I’ll know more how I feel about it after we meet. It would feel nice to go to a movie or to a park. What do you think?”

    Cub: Maybe eventually. See how we feel after night of cuddling and kissing.”

    B: Huh? I feel confuzzled! :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:28am

  409. 409: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:


    I think you are practicing just fine!! Really! :) Find your siren confidence. You risk nothing with this man, as you have invested nothing of yourself and are just practicing. Preaching to myself here…….just breathe…..

    Ok, you just state your boundries and what you want and don’t want now, while being soft and feminine and authentic. I do agree with it being a little soon for too many feeling messages, unless they are in the frame of thinking about what makes you comfortable, or uncomfortable.

    If he is the caring, understanding (at least trying to understand you) protective, wanting to please you kind of man that I know you desire as I do, then he will respond well to those and do what he needs to. Right? Even if he doesn’t do it perfectly, you will feel it and know.

    I love that you are aware of feeling and connecting with your intuitions. I find they can be a womans best friend! If you feel he is pushing an agenda (his) then he won’t really be able to look out for what is best for you and in turn will not be able to lead you into what is best for a relationship if there is that potential.

    Practic. It’s all practice along the journey!

    I am rooting for you!

    Again, I would express what would make you feel comfortable, from the perspective of being open to learning about him. :)


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:28am

  410. 410: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:


    358 was very nice to read! Your input has been valued by me here. I just know that you will find what you long for and soon! You are doing all that you can do, in along your journey and it fills me with hope for you as well as for many men, just by listening to you. :)

    Thank you!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:31am

  411. 411: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Mel RE: 403

    Yay Mel! :) I feel happy for you! And congrats on celebrating your lost pounds with some new duds! I feel so much more sireny even buying one now cute top or sexy pair of jeans!! Fun!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:36am

  412. 412: MelNo Gravatar says:


    For sure I feel more sireny! And when i did a little “fashion show” for hubby after my shopping trip this weekend, he said “Wow! You’re looking so slim and pretty!”

    I got a “wow!” Sweet!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  413. 413: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmmm….I am curious. I have had that happen too. When I start to use FM and at first the guy gets a look on his face like WTH??? Then he starts to mirror and HE starts using FM too! What is up with that?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:45am

  414. 414: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:


    “#376 LG: When I say “alpha male” I think of the “traditional” definition: A guy who loves to lead and to gain status and power, and who succeeds in this. Well, that’s not me.”

    I feel curious. What do you think of Simply Shannon’s description of an alpha male?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:48am

  415. 415: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#315 Lilybelle

    “Mind you, I am not a prude but that is a completely bass ackwards way to look at dating. What I can’t figure out is, why he would circle back around to me after not speaking for this long. He knew where I stood, I did not keep it a secret. Why bother?”

    You are exactly what I was saying is right and he is what it seemed to me others were saying is right.

    He wants to find out if sex is good enough to bother investing any more of his time in you, which is what it seemed to me that others were saying is the way to go. I can even post their exact words stating so.

    Or, he really has no interest in an LTR but this is his way off getting what he wants. I mean it isn’t a secret that many men, and women want sex at times from people they have no long term interest in.

    I respect that you seem to grasp that this is the backwards way of doing it. If for no other reason than the fact that the other things really are more important than sex, in a healthy loving long term relationship.

    The first few years you can’t get enough sex but it does taper off. Real life gets in the way. And eventually you’ll be too old to do it anyway. So it is best if you genuinely like and love that person next to you. Even when you are very sexually active, the vast majority of the time you spend with someone is not spent having sex.

    Odds are greater that you will find something you don’t like about them as a person than you will as a lover. So why not start looking there.

    But most of all, I am impressed that you seem to have so much self respect for yourself. Don’t ever lose that! If you don’t respect yourself, nobody else will.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:55am

  416. 416: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Cub: Thought we were gonna hangout, cuddle, and kiss at your place and we can watch movie while there. If want to hang out again then movie or park be good.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:03am

  417. 417: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    I had a I met a new CD last night. He wanted to talk before actually going out. He told me to give him a call if I wanted to talk before our date. I sent him a text back saying that I didn’t feel comfortable being the one to call him, in the first stages for sure. A few days later, the day before our date I heard from him and he actually said to me, “I feel nervous calling you and talking right now.” He said it right away, just like that. I was so impressed by that and it brought me a feeling of peace and I felt less nervous by his sharing that so openly. A feeling message from him right away like that. I loved it! I could learn from that example..HA! 😉

    We had a nice time too! Good sense of humor! He didn’t even reach for an akward hug. He didn’t wait till the next day to text me and thank me. He texted me an hour and a half after we left eachother at the restaurant. He thanked me kindly for my company and said that he really enjoyed himself.

    I left feeling, wishing, that it could all go so smoothly all of the time……


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:05am

  418. 418: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:


    When your ad said you wanted kissing and cuddling, did you mean that’s all you want?

    If his answer is yes, then you know what’s up and can move on. “Oh ok. Kissing and cuddling would feel great but I’m looking for more than that. My heart and body are connected. Thank you for being honest with me!”

    And I agree with Elizabeth about the TMI to the history admission. Do you notice that you do this when you get super uncomfortable? It’s like your poker “tell”, ya know? I know Brenda is super uncomfortable when she tells me yucky stuff about her past. She wants to talk about her past and not deal with her confusion and awkwardness that’s happening right in front of her. It’s like a diversionary tactic. I’ve done this too. My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice. :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:23am

  419. 419: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    So many ways you could go with him Brenda.

    I feel afraid. I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date.

    I feel smiley. I feel happy that you want to kiss and cuddle with me. But I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date.


    I really love it when a man takes care of me and that includes making me feel comfortable. I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date. It doesn’t feel safe.

    What feels right for you?

    This guy is starting to piss me off though. I had to cut a guy loose once who did the same thing. If I can’t trust a man to protect me and keep me safe (even if it’s from him!), then he won’t put me first in other ways.

    And I also feel a little bored. Like aren’t ya going to say something else dude? Which is a reflection of how I’d feel repeating myself. Zzzzz. :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:27am

  420. 420: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    415: Rusty~

    Thank you for the feedback. I am all for having sex, when it feels right but not as a prelude to getting to know someone. I rank sex right up there with importance but I want to know someone before that happens. Like someone wise once said: “My heart and body are a package deal.” I’m sticking with that, or rather, it has stuck to me. :-)

    And to this: “And eventually you’ll be too old to do it anyway.”

    MAN, I HOPE not. I really, really hope not.


    Love having you here, Rusty.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:33am

  421. 421: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:


    “My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice. ”

    ooooo, good stuff. I’m going to watch for my “tell”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:36am

  422. 422: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    I’m with you, SS. Reading this exchange leads me to believe that he isn’t interested in Brenda for Brenda, but is interested in Brenda for what she can “give” him.

    I’d practice on him until he poofed. I don’t believe that I would physically meet him, in fact, I know I wouldn’t. It feels way icky to me but of course, it isn’t me.

    Brenda, What do you think?


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:36am

  423. 423: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:


    FW 355 is great advice, exactly what it sounded like was needed for Paula, I hated that we went straight to “move on” for me that would have felt bad!

    Lurker – haha….I don’t need nor want you to speak any particular way here. And – again – for me, feeling messages don’t FEEL good, they feel confusing. But it’s cute you were open to them, and I felt bad you immediately got scolded…so I made some up. However, if you don’t know how you feel, I agree it is ALWAYS good to pay attention so you do know – feelings are our guideposts.

    And I’m good with not being told what “guys” think – I know way too many of em that tell me just what they think. So – for me – I want you to be YOU, cuz I like it when you make me laugh and I like it when you’re sensitive and I especially like it that you’re going to get some male perspective, too!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:41am

  424. 424: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – that’s amazing movement and immersion; the list is interesting and all those things together sound like you’re in relationship boot camp. Wow, I’m glad for you that you’ve decided to rocket blast!

    Brenda – you still here?


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:42am

  425. 425: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #396 – Good advice, thanks!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:50am

  426. 426: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    About alpha male – the big tell to me is that they have “followers,” they have yes people, they have people they can boss around they have people who turn to them to fix their problems. They are indeed leaders of some sort of pack.

    The best alphas are also alpha because they have bucket loads of charisma – people don’t even know WHY they might be following them, the worst have sycophants and too much money. smile…

    E talks about beta males, and how that might be a better pick for me. I’m interested – all I’d ever had were alpha males before Mr. Lowkeyed.

    Now we’ve entered into an interesting stage – Mr. Lowkeyed went to work for Mr. Alpha. So, he showers last night and comes to me and say, Oh, cr*p, I just realized something – if YOU were with Mr. Alpha you’d never argue with him..everything you fuss at me about he doesn’t do – smoke, forget time, be totally clueless about paperwork –

    and I said, yes that’s what I’ve thought, do you really think that? Because I can certainly find my own boyfriends.

    And he says well I was kind of wanting to hear how it wasn’t true.

    So I said, I chose you….lalala

    But, I wondered. I went from Tin Man to Lion, and it’s different. Is it better? Not so much – well my friends say I’m happier – but it’s just a different set of sh*t to deal with.

    As it is with all people, no matter what label or category they are always their own subset.

    Maybe Mr. Alpha wouldn’t be nice…to people, to me. Maybe he’s got money because he’s cheap, not generous…lots of maybes there.

    But Mr. Lowkeyed is right – I wouldn’t “fuss” GAWD I HATE that word…about the same things.

    Maybe this for Mr. Lowkeyed will bring about some kind of awakening??

    I hope!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:50am

  427. 427: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #409 – Thank you! Wise words!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:52am

  428. 428: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, hiya darlin! For me – if they won’t be “seen” in public with me I don’t want them. So a great message would be –

    I’d love to cuddle after I feel safe, so I follow Internet dating guidelines. We need to meet in a public place. Wanna buy me a cup of coffee? If not this is getting ahead of what I want!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:57am

  429. 429: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #418-419 – You said, “Do you notice that you do this when you get super uncomfortable? It’s like your poker “tell”, ya know? I know Brenda is super uncomfortable when she tells me yucky stuff about her past. She wants to talk about her past and not deal with her confusion and awkwardness that’s happening right in front of her. It’s like a diversionary tactic. I’ve done this too. My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice.”

    Yes, and you saying that helps me be more objective about myself. I don’t see it as diversionary, altho it may be. With my huge social lacks in the past, I didn’t have any idea what to say or not to say. So I made up for it by being gut level honest.

    I actually felt surprised how many feelings came up a little while ago when I was thinking about cuddling with a man again. It was the thing I liked to do most with Ryan.

    Thinking about all you all said. Thank you all for your feedback – it really helps.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:00pm

  430. 430: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Rusty! I’m still reading your posts, smile…but it’s like you’re just still here tilting at windmills? We’ve hardly ever had huge or any discussions of when to have sex – usually it’s just a personal decision. Feels odd and agenda-ish to keep hearing how someone who doesn’t do it has respect, which implies that someone who does, doesn’t. And that feels bad. All over again! I vote to let people experience actions and reactions and consequences, and I think that everyone here is old enough to have done that in regards to sex. lol…

    so tell me, how do you feel about feeling messages? combined with leaning back combined with no closure and putting things on your horse and riding away?

    I’d be interested!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:01pm

  431. 431: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    So much talk about Alpha Males and what defines a man as an Alpha. If you Google it, you will see that many people want to know what it is and many people will offer their opinion as to what it is, but what you will see if you read between the lines is that what they all have in common is that an Alpha is a leader.

    Now this leader can be a tyrant as in Simply Shannon’s nightmares, or much more diplomatic, as is her dream man.

    using some famous European Alpha’s you can see that an Alpha can be many things but he is a leader.

    Napoleon – was of course a tyrant. A Hawk. he believed that all would be right in the world if everyone would just follow his lead and do anything and everything he said to do. This is also a very selfish type of leader.

    Chamberlain – was a Dove. He was a weak leader because he did not fulfill his mandate as a leader which is to lead even when it is not popular to do so. Europe was war weary after WWI so when a strong leader was needed, he chose instead to be popular. We now know that it is very likely that WWII in Europe could have been averted altogether if a stronger personality, in power. In short, he was too worried about what people thought of him. A good trait of a leader is they they aren’t overly concerned about what people think of them in the immediate.

    Churchill – was an Owl. Like a Hawk they are willing to use force, but they are wiser and more judicious in the use of that force. An Owl seeks to be both a Hawk and a Dove depending on what is appropriate at the time. In the end, the Doves hated Churchill, but had he been the leader 20 years later, the Doves likely would have loved him and the Hawks would have hated him. The reason is simple. Those who are moderate tend to tick off both extremes.

    I don’t see not taking No for an answer as trait of an Alpha. It really has nothing to do with being an Alpha. I’ve seen men who are not even close to being an Alpha who would not take no for an answer.

    Being an Alpha is about leadership and Lurker nailed that and is confident enough to admit that he does not like leading, and it is commendable that he does so if necessary.

    Not taking no for an answer, not taking others’ opinions and ideas into consideration , etc… has nothing to do with being an Alpha and everything to being something that also starts with an “A” but ends with “hole.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:02pm

  432. 432: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #422 – You said, “he isn’t interested in Brenda for Brenda, but is interested in Brenda for what she can “give” him.”

    Very insightful, yes, this was the unspoken thing I was starting to feel, but not putting my finger on it until I read this.

    Ok, I’ll write out the latest…

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:03pm

  433. 433: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    When I hear “alpha male” I think of a gorilla.

    Then one date several months ago, I had a CD remark “we, men are gross. and we are gorillas. Is that what you want?”

    What kind of PR is that for alpha male?

    The meaning I put on it is like a Donald Trump kind of guy, in charge, focused, doesn’t take no for answer, runs the whole show, workaholic, competitive for the top slot,

    so what’s the direct opposite of that, Sirens, well, that’s not what I want to be



    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:11pm

  434. 434: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    I feel protective of Brenda and Brenda’s heart.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:12pm

  435. 435: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren: Please excuse me for the delay. I was on the phone. I thot about it and I really will feel more comfy meeting you somewhere first. We could grab a piece of pizza and a soda then hang out at my place. What do you think?

    Cub: Maybe we see

    Bren: (Shannon’s FM): I really love it when a man takes care of me and that includes making me feel comfortable. It doesn’t feel safe meeting someone for the first time at my house.

    Cub: I will take care of you but I’m really not a big fan of eating out in public. I’m weird about that.

    Bren: I feel curious about why? I wonder if you don’t want to be seen with me.

    Cub: I would love to be seen with you. Just been that way since I got diabetes 8 years ago. Don’t like taking my needle out and using in public. I can’t explain it, it’s just me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:13pm

  436. 436: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Nice, Rusty. You make a good point.
    Alpha = leadership
    all the rest is add on ideas on behaviors that may often accompany Alpha, but are not necessarily part of the DVM description of it, if there is such a thing.

    Does that make sense to you?


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:15pm

  437. 437: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#426: Jacqueline

    “The best alphas are also alpha because they have bucket loads of charisma – people don’t even know WHY they might be following them, the worst have sycophants and too much money. smile…”

    I’m curious as to why you would say this? Napoleon was very charismatic. Hitler was Charismatic. Many of the most vile and evil leaders of our time were charismatic.

    I would say that the best leaders are not so much charismatic as respected on merit. In the military I knew many that fit both categories and often found that those who were followed because of their charisma were often the worst leaders.

    Ideally, the leader would have both. But his charisma would draw the followers, his Merit would determine whether he warranted that following.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:18pm

  438. 438: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty- 431:
    Loved that post, you made some very good points!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:19pm

  439. 439: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Great incorporation of all input! But the it’s just me? uh, okay, drink black coffee. I don’t like this, and I am curious how it goes!

    Elizabeth, haha….gorillas make me think of guys with hairy backs.

    Donald Trump model works well – pretty much exactly my idea, except for younger, cuter and more built. Like Dean on Supernatural – somehow they always glance at Dean before they act (even tho Sam’s cuter! and bigger…he’s the ‘little brother’) or it’ll be Dean that says, okay let’s go. It’s instinctual, no one votes it just turns out that way – every time.

    Everyone have a great day, loving the stories!!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:19pm

  440. 440: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#436 Elizabeth

    “Does that make sense to you?”

    That makes perfect sense.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:19pm

  441. 441: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    OMG! Brenda, YEAH!!! It wasn’t about you. Yeah yeah yeah!!! Ha! He felt safe enough to tell you what was up with him. And it wasn’t about you. Thank you God for this!! Woot woot!!!

    Me: Oh ok. I feel relieved. Thank you for sharing that with me! I still feel uncomfortable meeting at my house. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:21pm

  442. 442: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:


    What night is The Good Wife on ?
    Thanks :-)


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:21pm

  443. 443: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:


    Can he work around when he has to take his needle out in public? I don’t know. I am asking. That might be something you can ask. Don’t be overly suspicious, but some guys can be master manipulators. No, that is not a judgment, it is just being open to being aware if there is a discernment of that or not.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:25pm

  444. 444: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty well in comparrison to being surrounded by sycophants, charisma looks good. And (I feel I need an I’m sorry in here?) women LIKE charisma. Obviously, the whole wide world likes it – even if it’s awful and evil and all that.

    Hopefully, we’ve evolved into not being blind sheep? There’s got to be some upside to feminism.

    For me – I constantly pointed out the flaws in my guys bossing….and told him that he was surrounded with sychophants and did he want the truth or more of Yes Sir!! for awhile he really liked it; but I think he likes sycophants best — maybe unconciously.

    yep, even with the parasites!

    noun. a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite. …

    Bad alpha!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:25pm

  445. 445: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth – Tuesdays, 3 new show to the season starting next week I think, but it’s waaaay into a complex story line. You might want to catch up on Hulu – computer television for free with small commercials – if they have some of the back ones showing?

    I hope SLV SLV SLV….is Hulu-ing. I miss her!!!

    Yall have a good one!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:28pm

  446. 446: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren: I see. Well I’m not trying to be insensitive to your preferences. I was just throwing out an idea after didn’t seem cool with a movie theater or park. (This next part from Jacqueline:) I follow internet dating guidelines, that is all. Wanna buy me a diet soda? If not, this is getting ahead of what I want!

    Cub: Maybe we were looking for diff things, or my ad wasn’t clear. Sorry :(

    Bren: It feels icky when a man doesn’t care if I feel safe. It leads me to believe that you aren’t interested in me for Brenda, but are interested in Brenda for what she can give you. Have you heard how many women were murdered on blind Craigslist dates?

    Cub: Ok sorry we were looking for diff things

    Bren: I know of very few women who would be willing to meet anywhere other than a public place. I’d feel very surprised if you find one. If you do, she probably has no self-respect. I feel disappointed. Thank you anyway!

    Cub: Sorry you feel that way. But my ad was pretty clear just looking for night of kissing, cuddling.

    I’m not going to answer him. Yuck. I don’t get some men.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:33pm

  447. 447: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    OK, here is what I see as an Alpha in a family setting.

    Mom, son and daughter are all arguing over where we will go eat tonight. Mom isn’t so much arguing for any specific place as much as she is trying to referee the argument. She is failing miserably because she is allowing emotion to overrule judgment.

    Son wants to go for burgers, and daughter wants to go for pizza. Son is arguing that since the last time we went for fast food, it was for pizza. Mom thinks this is a good point but the daughter argues that we also had burgers off the grill just two days ago.

    So they come to dad because nobody is giving in and it is nearing time to go.

    Now Beta male would tell them to work it out and come back to let him know what they have decided. or maybe even defer the responsibility to mom by saying, Have your mother decide and this way it is two votes to one and that is where we will go.

    Bully Alpha or Beta, read that as selfish, simply takes the opportunity to choose what he has a craving for.

    Alpha male, IMHO, takes a moment to weigh things. yes pizza was the last fast food eaten out. And burgers were eaten at home two days ago. But there’s more that the others are missing here. We tend to go out for Burgers way more than pizza at a rate of 5 to 1. And while we had pizza the last time, it was the son who suggested it and the daughter wanted to go for burgers.

    So the Alpha Male would say this. “We are going for Pizza and here’s why. Son, last time we went for pizza, you were the one who wanted it and your sister wanted burgers. Plus, we just had burgers two nights ago, and finally, we go out for burgers way more often than pizza.

    Now, anyone who can enjoy going out for pizza needs to be ready to go in 5 minutes. Anyone who can’t enjoy pizza tonight is free to stay home and pull a burger out of the freezer and make it on the George Foreman.”

    This of course prevents the son from ruining the daughter’s “victory” by sulking or just plain showing his butt all night. Which, of course, would also ruin the whole family outing.

    IMHO, being an Alpha is about being a leader, and IMHO, the best leader is not a tyrant, nor does he stick his finger to the wind to see which decision will be the most popular. And finally, he isn’t afraid to make the decision out of fear that somebody may be unhappy with the decision.

    I would also say that an Alpha feels comfortable being a leader.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:38pm

  448. 448: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #439 – He stated earlier he doesn’t drink coffee. What I’ve gathered is it’s not the coffee, not the eating out, not the park, not the movie that bother him. It’s meeting in public. Which instantly leads me to wonder if he IS a criminal. I never said I wouldn’t ever cuddle or kiss. It’s a big issue for him to make me feel safe first.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:38pm

  449. 449: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Now he just texted, “If you want to keep talking or texting I’m fine with that.

    HuH?? It almost makes me wonder if it IS Ryan!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:39pm

  450. 450: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda,

    My thought here is that he was not looking to date. Yes, most women would not go for that. But, one thing I’ve found online is when people ask for a particular thing, that may be all that is wanted. I think you ought to be proud of yourself for opening up and giving feeling messages and practicing with this guy.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:40pm

  451. 451: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Aww Bren – but that’s part of the beauty of it, you develop the discernment, you run through the scammers faster….and remember, it took me what 100? lunches and coffees to find just ONE….

    PROUD of you!!!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:40pm

  452. 452: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps – but you totally should write back and say, well it’s odd your ad was in relationships and not NSA’s then. Good luck!

    heeeheee…he’ll get it!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:41pm

  453. 453: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren: Well I stated that I’m very open to cuddling and kissing. Is it wrong to simply want to meet first to feel safe?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:43pm

  454. 454: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Cub: It’s not wrong at all

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:44pm

  455. 455: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Of course it is more “hooking up.” And that can be fun. Although, sure don’t want to let your heart get attached to a guy who is upfront about just wanting kissing and cuddling.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:47pm

  456. 456: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren: I feel better. Cuz cuddling is my favorite thing in the world to do.

    Cub: Me too I’m a very affectionate person. I love to cuddle and kiss.

    Then we exchanged smiley faces.

    Cub: I guess just keep texting, emailing, and talking until we reach a compromise lol

    So I guess I will send back one more smiley face and let it rest for now. He’s sure making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:53pm

  457. 457: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty #447:

    That’s my Alpha male :) Thank you for the awesome presentation :) I sure loved it!!!

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:54pm

  458. 458: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty, I feel trigerred by your example. And I’m only using feelings cause I’m supposed to here. As a woman, I’m perfectly capable of making sound decisions for a family.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:54pm

  459. 459: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Wow, I must have missed u posts before…but I have to say, I feel happy u are here…I love your voice and insights :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:56pm

  460. 460: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks!! I don’t mind if it’s just casual either, to start with. He is NOT asking for sex – said so in his ad. I don’t mind if it is just practice or just a friendship. I want to ease back into meeting other men.

    In his ad, he stated that he came out of a hurtful relationship 6 months ago. I am guessing he is just not ready for the full-fledged commitment/relationship thing yet, either.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 12:56pm

  461. 461: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I love to hear you are beginning to explore CDing…:) Thank you for sharing the interaction…this is sure awesome practice…I practice too with men I sure know I wouldn’t date…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:00pm

  462. 462: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Maybe practice saying no to a texting only relationship? That’s what I would do. Texting is not want I want. Waste of mine time, ya know?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:02pm

  463. 463: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    In general I’m feeling irritated about men who argue and I find their arguments just kinda dumb. He’s talking in a slightly arrogant tone, but what he’s saying isn’t worth much, and it’s irritating to pretend to be this emotional and docile feminine creature. I just feel angry and irritated and annoyed and turned off.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:08pm

  464. 464: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    okay I’m off!!! a mile and a half in 80 degrees…sweat.

    Gina – it’s called patronizing and I doubt Rusty realizes it – to him it’s just explaining. And I really do admire you for your feeling messages, I like examples of how to express negative emotions from the *I* position. Thank you!

    Shannon – you’re brilliant, that’s what was off for me and I couldn’t pin point it. Thanks!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:13pm

  465. 465: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    353 Mercedes,

    Thank you. However, I do have to say, I haven’t instigated any contact whatsoever since he quit contacting me Feb 1. This LIKE yesterday was my only instance. I’ve left him alone since Feb 1. No emails, no messages, nada. It was only late Feb when he clicked a LIKE on my fb status update then I returned a LIKE on his. Then there was no contact from either us of. Until I clicked LIKE to his tour update yesterday. Hope that explains stuff to you. And I’m not trying to come off as defensive. Just trying to bring clarity to the situation. And, no, I’ve no desire to lean fwd again. Unless he reaches out to me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:14pm

  466. 466: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Rusty’s playful tone didn’t bother me…I didn’t feel patronized by his examples…

    Maybe because I don’t feel inadequate…or I am not afraid of the truth…:)

    Gosh, lately I brought up a lot of skeletons out of the closet…it sure feels exposing, frightening, embarrassing…but yet, after it…i felt free of the awful thoughts…got to face them…and heal them…

    I still get triggered by women though…:( there is something there for me to face…and heal…

    I feel afraid I might use the blog to riff about it…yucks…i feel scared…:(

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:24pm

  467. 467: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#444: Jacqueline

    “Rusty well in comparison to being surrounded by sycophants, charisma looks good.”

    Both charismatic and uncharismatic leaders will have sycophants. It’s like how every single sports team that is successful will have bandwagon fans. It just comes with the territory.

    “And (I feel I need an I’m sorry in here?) women LIKE charisma. Obviously, the whole wide world likes it – even if it’s awful and evil and all that.”

    No need for a “sorry” unless I need a “sorry” to point out that men like a woman with measurements somewhere near 36-24-26 accompanies by a C or D. 😉

    “Hopefully, we’ve evolved into not being blind sheep? There’s got to be some upside to feminism.”

    I fear that we tend to be blind sheep, and tend to follow people because of their charisma rather than merit. Our last election shows this as the one with loads of merit, loads of experience was not chosen over somebody with little to no experience, but loads and loads of charisma. It will forever haunt me that I was part of a group that tried to get Colin Powell elected, a man that likely would have made the last decade a great decade, and would have been a unanimously approved addition to Mt. Rushmore. HE should have been our first black president and would have been had he chosen to run.

    “For me – I constantly pointed out the flaws in my guys bossing….and told him that he was surrounded with sychophants and did he want the truth or more of Yes Sir!! for awhile he really liked it; but I think he likes sycophants best — maybe unconciously.”

    Highlight the word CONSTANTLY in the above paragraph. While in the military, I was not known as a yes man and actually known as just the opposite, and yet others like me wondered why I did not receive the cold shoulder from the leaders like they did.

    I think this was two reasons. One, I was pretty good at telling it like it is without being offensive. Some here might raise an eyebrow at that but yes, it is true. Also, I didn’t say anything every time. Sometimes I didn’t say anything at all. Also, by doing this, I was proven right nearly every single time, so my leaders learned to temper their anger at being challenged because the first thing that hits them is that I am usually right and usually don’t come to them unless I am very sure of myself.

    I once had it out with one of my leaders when I was running crew of people on the night shift. I came in to work one day and noticed on the board that several people had their qualifications increased. All were on days. I asked why I was not notified that a review board was going to take place and was told that they didn’t think anyone on the night shift warranted an increase in their qualifications.

    I told him that if that is what he thought, he didn’t know his people. he asked, “Are you saying I am not doing my job?” I told him, “Well, let me ask you a question, when was the last time you were here during the night shift. Are you the ranking officer for this shop or just for day shift? You tell me, are you doing your job? Simple fact is, nights runs so smoothly you never need to be there, and that is 100% because of the quality of the leadership we have, and I and my #2 have cultivated.”

    I Pointed out to him that he had moved one particular guy up that I knew he saw as the #1 person of that particular rank. (same as a corporal) He totally did not believe me. I was insistent so he told me that he was going to rearrange a few things and that when we went to see for in a week for a 5 week at sea period, he wanted me and those 3 guys on says where he could see them in action.

    Long story short, these guys ran circles around the kid who who thought was the #1. One day it was so obvious that I just looked over at him with a smirk. He looked at me, looked back at them, looked back at me, then looked back at them and nodded as if to say, “You were right.” He told me to tell them to get their dress whites ready to go because he was going to hold a special review board the following day.

    “yep, even with the parasites!

    noun. a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite. …

    Bad alpha!!”

    I would say that the type of followers a leader has doesn’t have as much to do with his leadership style as it has to do with the type of people he is surrounded with. Most people are yes men to the bosses face and for good reason, most aren’t capable of being anything else. And truth be told, things run smoother that way since most have an opinion but do little research to back up their opinion and thus are wrong more often than not. For them, it is better to be yes men or they would “no” their way to the unemployment line.

    I had a guy that did as you said. He questioned every single command he was given. I mean every single one. which is why they sent him to me. #1 on days was tired of it.

    I became irritated by it but decided to teach him to channel his thoughts better. I taught him to not question every single command by telling him many times that I did not have time to explain to him why I wanted something done a certain way, but go do it the way I want, then after you are done, come back and then I will explain when I have time. Over time, we butted heads less and less, thought that never became never. He was also my #1 that ran circles around the “#1” on days.

    The proudest moment in my career was the day I transferred and he came to me in the parking lot and told me (with tears in his eyes) that he was going to miss me. He said that he was sorry for always butting heads with me and that he didn’t realize how good of a leader I was until I stayed on days after that at sea period and he went back to nights.

    He rattled off a few things that he didn’t like about his new leader, and things he liked about me, so I told him, “Remember what it is that you like about your leaders and what you don’t like, and when you turn comes to lead, do your best to do the things you liked and not do the things you didn’t like.

    Two things that I will never forget that he said he liked about me was that I was fair, didn’t play favorites and I never took credit for things they did when they did something good but always took the heat for them when they did something bad. He also told me that I was the first person to teach him that every time he asked for an inspection, he was putting his name on the job. he said that prior to that, he didn’t understand that if he asked me to look at something, and it wasn’t really ready for inspection, that it told me he wasn’t ready to do my job. Many of the younger guys teach each other to ask for an inspection when you are close so that the inspector will point out what needs to be done. It’s lazy. And it’s wrong. But it is done a lot. he said that learning that is what he credits for the turn around that allowed him to run circles around the other guy.

    Last I heard, the kid had lit the world on fire and was a very respected leader, by superiors, peers and subordinates, in the fighter community. But that wouldn’t have happened had he not learned to be judicious in his questioning of his leaders.

    No leader wants every order questioned. And as a leader, you will tend to gravitate towards those who get things done and those are rarely if ever the person who constantly questions. At some point you have to be on board with the team if you are going to contribute positively to the team’s success.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:27pm

  468. 468: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t like myself lately. I’m all angry and b1tchy and fed up. and at a loss about what I want to do about it. I feel full of venomy bitterness and frustration. And yet I do feel like I’m better than what I’m up to, and that’s what’s pissing me off. I believe I’m smart and aware and competent, and I feel like I’m too big for my clothes. Like I’ve outgrown where I’m at, yet here I am. I feel frustrated with most of my relationships, too. part of it is that I started researching stuff that’s going on in pop culture, and it’s super disturbing, yet fascinating. And I feel isolated because some of what I found is more awful than what most people are willing to conceive, and so they accuse me of being crazy. Even my mom. And it sucks, because I’m surrounded by friends who sit clickity clicking on their cell phones and seem irritated if I bring up any world/social issues. And I don’t want to be a debbie downer.. and yet I find the superficial crap intolerable. I find like minded people online, but I don’t feel satisfied with these virtual relationships. Usually I feel as though I’m of a like mind as my family, but it’s like I got overinformed, and now it doesn’t feel good to discuss with them because I’m coming from a different viewpoint now. Which would be okay, except that my mom got SUPER defensive and immediately started calling me crazy. And when i said “you’re out of line. this is your issue. you’re acting like the crazy one…” she said “oh really? cause I’m married with kids. I’m not the crazy one here.” And I just thought ugh…I just read back at what I wrote…and I totally have a victime mindset that I need to shed. And speaking of shedding, maybe I a shedding my skin in a way. and it feels kinda sad. I no longer have a relationship with my roommate because it has never felt good to me, and not speaking at all feels better. My relationship with D finally feels over, and it feels sad because I had some vision of how it could’ve worked, but he would’ve had to kiss my a$$ and he didn’t . I even am in some sort of a conflict with my good friend S, who I usually get along great with, and i’m not even sure why. And it feels bad to feel distant from people who have been close, but I just feel ready for something different. I guess it doesn’t necessarily have to be all different people – if the people aren’t going to be different, I’ll have to be different. I know I need to lighten up, but right now I feel all intense and wound up. Maybe I just need to channel that feeling into something productive.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:28pm

  469. 469: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    That was awesome…:) Thank u for sharing…

    I too had “close” friendships…kinda of put on “hold”…I feel like an alien around them…and I admit a bit bored :(

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:36pm

  470. 470: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 465 you know what kaitlyn, what’s done is done. Many times we go back and forth. I have heard Gay Hendricks says that is how commitment work. It is like a plane with the autopilot set to go to California. During the journey the plane often go off its path and have to be righted along the way. That is how it gets to its destination. As far as I am concerned as long as you remain committed to yourself, stay aware of what you are doing you will eventually get it. I am not saying to deliberately sabotage yourself. You are relatively new to this and in my opinion it will take you time. Some people who have been here longer than you have indicated in the past that they still make mistakes and go back to old patterns.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:36pm

  471. 471: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    gina I would channel it into forgiving myself and my parents by pouring love onto both. This might help you identify why you are so angry.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:39pm

  472. 472: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    458: gina says:

    “Rusty, I feel trigerred by your example. And I’m only using feelings cause I’m supposed to here. As a woman, I’m perfectly capable of making sound decisions for a family.”

    I understand your being triggered and you have the right to feel that way because yes, a woman can and does make decisions for the family.

    However, let’s talk generalities. If you understand the Myers-Briggs test, you know that men tend to be a T while women tend to be an F. Which is likely why you feel triggered but I would not feel triggered by a similar comment made to me. Note that I did say TEND because it ranges to be about 75 of men are T’s and 75% of women are F’s.

    Now this is not patronizing and one thing to remember, as we were taught when we were taught the Myers-Briggs, one is not superior to the other and in fact, you need both.

    I used the example of me being the one that tells you that it is better for you to go through he forest instead of over the mountains since the mountains are more dangerous, despite your phobia of the forest. OK, my logic is able to choose the best path. but what good is that if you won’t take that path. So as a T, I am only half of what you need. You need an F to help you work through your feelings so that you can accept the logical path laid out before you despite your fear of the forest.

    Does that make sense?

    Our professor described it like this. With nothing but T’s, the world would be a well ordered, but cold place. With nothing but F’s, it would be warm but chaotic. So both are equally important.

    So in my example, the mom would have been much better at getting the son to let go of his disappointment and embrace going out for Pizza. If going out for a great family outing is the goal, you can see that both parents would be needed to achieve the optimum level of fun.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:39pm

  473. 473: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I was feeling concerned I was getting “wind-beaten” off my bridge.

    ManCd likes to talk to me on the phone, and I spent time with him yesterday … I felt a bit unsettled when at first he didn’t have a plan, and then really close and nice with him after he decided something to do… sit down and talk outside.

    But then HE brought up the phoneconvo from the other night where i asked him “would you go down on me” and he said he doesn’t want to do that.

    So i felt disappointed and then he kept saying i was feeling angry at him, which i wasn’t i was feeling sad and dissapointed.

    And then he walked me back to where he got me (“my request last time was that he take me back to where he meets me at”) and I feel touched that he has consistently stepped up to all my requests.

    I don’t feel good that he brings this up, he constantly talks about how I am difficult and expect too much.

    Yet I’m always clear that i won’t ask him to change but I am willing to back up myself in order to respect him.

    So after awhile my sadness faded and he was calling me… he told me that he likes most about me is that I’m honest, and that I really listen to him when he says what he says, even if it’s something I might not like, I feel what I feel but I really listen to him and I don’t get into arguments and drama.

    And i shared how sometimes when he says he feels irritated I feel afraid, that I feel afraid sometimes when men feel angry, I get thoughts like he’s just about to “snap” and say “eff u u biatch” or soemthing.

    He said no. he says actually when he feels angry he likes to talk it out. That felt nice.

    Soooo how are we going to proceed about the ‘going down on me thing?’ he was asking me… I said i don’t know… I was feeling bad.

    I really DON”T know and am willing to see. If I feel bad around him now, then I will back up and maybe even stop seeing him.

    I will NOT have sex with a man without him going down on me – that much is clear to me.

    But as of right now, if he wants to see me, and I feel good, I will give him my time – this is how I feel right now. Because I felt good with him last night on the phone.

    Maybe he will step up and change this . he had decided to not see me when i said i didn not want to date a guy who drank before our dates, but then changed his mind and has made sure to be not drunk… and even apologized that he HAD drank a bit before we went to the bar, and that that happened before he made the plans to see me. I feel touched that he really wants to respect my boundaries.

    I feel his heart, his body warmth, those feel really good.

    I feel connected to him.

    I feel concerned that the connection is because of his many conversations with me on the phone, and I’m getting attached and getting this “windblown” vibe where i feel insecure on my bridge.

    I want to feel good, I want to feel secure. I love me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:46pm

  474. 474: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    So, I shouldn’t have clicked LIKE on his fb yesterday?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:48pm

  475. 475: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 423 That was how I felt when I read it.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:53pm

  476. 476: KSNo Gravatar says:


    I feel tired
    I feel beaten
    I feel sad

    EX-Husband is at the hotel me and toxic man stayed with the kids when we were in love and had soooo much fun.

    He wants us to come over….I don’t want to come over. I don’t wanna be there “playing family” with him while my thoughts are filled with another man.

    And I don’t want my thoughts filled with another man who dosent care and doesnt step up.

    And if it’s not meant to be….if he is not the man for me then WHY does the universe throw all the freakin’ reminders in my face ALL THE TIME. GO AWAY DAMMIT!

    And my ex-husband is wanting sex….I can feel it. And I don’t right now. And HE can feel it.

    I just feel angry…..I just wish they would both drop off the face of the freakin’ earth so I dont have to deal with this shit.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:56pm

  477. 477: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    should i erase it? he hasn’t been on his fb it seems.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:56pm

  478. 478: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 474 Who cares? You did and it is past. No use beating yourself up over it about should or shouldn’t. The thing is how you felt during and after or if you did it to get a reaction. My understanding is that if you are a RockStar you can do anything because you are not attached to the outcome and you are not coming from a place of need. Just my understanding. If you want to eventually become a RockStar, you will have to start practicing is my opinion. If you felt bad after doing it, then you noticed the feeling and will think about it if you get the urge in the future. I am not convinced that we need to be perfect, it is practice for therapy.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:58pm

  479. 479: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#464: Jacqueline says:

    “Gina – it’s called patronizing and I doubt Rusty realizes it – to him it’s just explaining.”

    WOW! I feel triggered! 😉

    is it possible that there is no patronizing done but that this is simply miss-communication? I mean sure I could have given a totally politically correct example, but when I give examples, I use generalities. Maybe we could come to an understanding about this. That I mean no offense, and in fact no offense is offered.

    It would be different had I stated “all women” but I didn’t and that is a huge distinction. And if that is what I had meant, I would have been sure to type it that way.

    I use generalities when making examples because this allows it to resonate with the most people.

    If you asked a psychologist who is more likely to get sucked into the kid’s dispute, or react to it emotionally, you would find that they will say that it would be more likely for the this to happen to the mother.

    With that T and F thing, keep in mind that the “nurturing” is stronger with F’s than T’s. This is of course what was the driving force behind the “tenders years act” which is behind family courts defaulting to the mother for primary custody of the children, especially young children.

    You can’t have it both ways. Either women tend to be Fs and thus tend to be nurturers and thus more suited to be the primary custodians or…well. you get the idea.

    But the point here is that I would appreciate people not looking for some little detail like that to invalidate what I say when in fact, it is just speaking in general. Yes in some relationships, the woman is a T but this is not the norm and so my example is going to reflect what is generally true.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 1:58pm

  480. 480: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling a bit discouraged because I used to attract ONLY men that asked ME to go down on me.

    And since I’ve been feeling tension with Getright (who didn’t) about this, I seem to attract many many men who don’t want to.

    I’m feeling concerned that my radar is now allowing these men in, maybe more than the other ones. I DON’T want these men. I DON’T WANT to feel attracted to them even.

    UFF!! i feel frustrated!

    I asked ManCd about it pretty early on, Because it was coming up so frequently in my dating…

    but it was still somewhat After i felt connected and attached.

    If I have to aask up front, the way I ask “are you married?” then I will.


    it would feel easier for me if my intuition led only men that like to do that for me to me.

    Thanks intuition!

    Rigth now, I know that after I will have waxed my bikini and painted my toes, I will make love – that’s what I expect/imagine/imagic. And so, I will do it .. soon… hehe

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:00pm

  481. 481: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    478 FW

    But I felt totally Rockstar that day. But now I don’t today.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:00pm

  482. 482: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 481 Feelings morph, they change, they come and go. You will eventually get it. It occurred to me this weekend that we are not perfect.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:03pm

  483. 483: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I have seen some writing here from you that helped me feel proud about you. I feel like you are a rose slowing rising up from under the earth. I am so rooting for you because I just feel confident that you do get it and you will eventually get committed enough to yourself. Rome was not built in a day.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:06pm

  484. 484: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I put myself in your situation…feeling awfully guilty and thinking that I messed up our chances (as you said in the past)…

    Your feeling of “love” is amplifying by the feeling of guilt…and I have no doubt in my mind…

    So, without releasing the guilt trip…u wont’ be able to move on…and even figure it out if u were really compatible overall…

    Here are my options:

    First, I would write down…what I would tell myself…what I did and didn’t do…vent it all out…work on forgiving myself…use tools on that…

    “I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”…so u can make peace with yourself…I would say it for 2 minutes…several times a day…
    I would keep an open mind that the Universe hears me and receives my apology…

    Second, write to him…what would I tell him…it sure be genuine…from the heart…
    I would use tools to open my heart and write what I feel…and not what I think…

    I would ask myself…am I ready to send it without an expectation of a response???? If yes, then I would send it…

    When we do something with a selfish agenda (without an admission of guilt and repentence)…that is not received by the Universe…the negative energy from the selfish act…will stay with us…

    If there is an expectation ( u said u hope he will return) and he does not respond or responds negatively, then at least he knows where u stand…and u have a fresh start to use Rori’s tools to really move on…

    If after almost three months, u still feel u heart heavy about him…then I agree with u to release it in the best way feels good to u…which it appears to be reaching out to him…

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:07pm

  485. 485: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty – yes, you’re right. I felt patronized and then read your explanation. My apologies…

    and that’s interesting in feelings…So I feel patronized, I KNOW you’re attempting explanation and making it easier on me…but I still feel what I feel.

    Which is why it’s so much easier for me just to say in my opinion….what do you think?

    And, in the story you told….I’ve worked myself up to being the BOSS, and now I don’t know how to be a team. I feel like Lurker I WANT to be a Lone wolf – well with a harem…ha…

    but if I had a boss the couldn’t EXPLAIN the reasons why to me? I’d quit. If I can’t see the big picture, if I can’t believe my boss is smarter than me – I quit. Not an ego thing, a fact of life thing. I cannot work for someone who doesn’t give me the facts/explanation I need to produce far superior results. And I do – I’m what’s called a rainmaker, I make money for people. But I have to know why, and believe in those people.

    Thanks for your patience and ummm, those measurements – are they Barbie’s????


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:08pm

  486. 486: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:


    I feel very good about your exchange with him! I am also very glad you shared it here. Authentic and dignified! Good example. :)

    You sound very good and I also feel very good about what appears to be you, begining to trust you, as I am working on trusting myself more.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:12pm

  487. 487: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty, I know you mean well. I appreciate your effort in responding, and yet, I feel exhausted with this. I do see what you meant by speaking generally in your example. Perhaps I was trigerred because I myself am not dominate as a “feeler” and I have not felt as though men are able to come to my rescue.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:14pm

  488. 488: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    His worst fear came true because of me. Because I was selfish. Because I was selfish out of insecurity.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:16pm

  489. 489: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I am not convinced that two broken people can connect. In any event it is only in being selfish that we can move out of coddpendency. Sometimes selfish is good.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:18pm

  490. 490: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    And kaitlyn I will not help you beat up yourself. I literally feel the true kaitlyn and I know she is not yet out and shining to the world but she is on her way out. I feel your beauty in my gut.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:20pm

  491. 491: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    As an example, once I took a temp job for this really cool and slightly maniupulative woman – she was beautiful! but it was while she was on vacation so I ended up dealing with the man owner. I had 5 guys, one was to exterminate every day. But it didn’t take him all day so in the afternoon I’d be trying to stick him into the other guy’s projects and it didn’t work. Plus he was waking people up to spray every morning, so I moved him to afternoons. Everyone was happy, it was more productive….and the owner was freaking FURIOUS. Because HE said do it every morning. To heck with productivity, people’s convenience….it was his way without REASON. I did a very poor job until the woman got back…

    she was an explainer and a all I care about is the money in the bank person….we worked well together!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:20pm

  492. 492: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    KS – Ouch! I heard you….and hope you work it out!! You make a beautiful vampire scream, btw!!!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:21pm

  493. 493: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Thre’s a difference between selfish as in sticking up for yourself or not letting a man financially mooch off you AND committing infidelity in form of accepting a hooker gig because you didn’t feel secure in the relationship because you created those problems and depending on him too much for your happiness instead of turning within for it.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:23pm

  494. 494: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 493 And you know what kaitlyn I no longer believe that story. I am not convinced you believe that either. I believe you are hiding from the real truth, whatever that is.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:24pm

  495. 495: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn do you have this month’s Interview with Relationship Expert? I think it might help you. Feingold talks about getting involved with the other person’s drama.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:26pm

  496. 496: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks. I guess I just don’t get it. I spend hours on this blog…..I am blessed with so much wisdom…but for some reason….I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO GET IT.

    I feel stupid. Lost and stupid.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:26pm

  497. 497: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Really? Must I show you a chat log where he said he’s neurotic about some guy with money stealing me away? How he’s worried I’m going to stomp on his heart one day? How he’s worried that I’m gonna realize he’s not attractive and ditch him when he comes back from NYC? Must I show you the dedication to me in his soon to be published book? Must I show you countless emails and texts of me saying I miss him then he says ‘I miss you more.’

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:29pm

  498. 498: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #414 LG, Shannon’s new definition sure works for her. However, imho commonly understood words shouldn’t be redefined, that’s a bit too Orwellian for me. Imho calling such a guy a #1male, favoritemale or something like that would be better, to avoid confusion.

    #423 Jacqueline: “I don’t need nor want you to speak any particular way here.” That’s great! I always speak the way I like anyway. 😛 But, seriously, I always know how I feel. The mystery is how the girl feels.

    #431 Rusty, good points. However, imho the situation in #447 would be solved in a similar way by an intelligent beta. The sole difference is, the beta would act in that way out of necessity, not because they love to lead. And then, don’t even most betas lead their families? Hmm.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:35pm

  499. 499: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    And then there’s the convos of me criticizing him for leaving very lucrative jobs because they crushed his creative spirit and he went off to write books and have his band. Because I was so broke at the time, my response was “I would’ve just sucked it up and taken the money. What’s your problem?” Not supportive at all to a man. That and telling him a few other ways he should live his life made him retaliate in passive aggressive ways. I didn’t see that at the time. Half because i wasnt aware that criticism is a man’s worst enemy of love and half because I couldn’t believe a guy like him liked a girl like me, so here come my shit tests.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:36pm

  500. 500: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sure Rusty wouldn’t be so forgiving.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:37pm

  501. 501: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    oh my goodness kaitlyn, i feel stuckness, dwelling, dwelling, spinning, going around in circles, it’s creating a whirlpool, an undertow, with you in it…this is the opposite of heaven…i say force yourself to otherwise engage your mind and see yourself as an eagle in the sky, with an eagles eye view simply watching, watching….flying aboveand are you into meditation at all? That might also help you break out of this cycle and reclaim your power again!! You have so much to offer and there are so many men out there that would be absolutely thrilled to have a date with you!!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:41pm

  502. 502: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Darling Ella, i feel your kindness in saying that.



    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:42pm

  503. 503: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    DE and Elizabeth and FW,

    I feel the kindness as well, but no way am I ignoring reality.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:44pm

  504. 504: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    KS – because there is nothing to get? You are here practicing, there living and in a way it’s all good. You circle because you really down deep don’t know or do know what you want, or because feelings are fleeting and changeable…today you feel screaming, a few weeks ago you felt sad, excited, etc.

    I believe it’s not even so much about words – it’s about actions and the results. And your actions oftentimes reflect your hearts desire way more than your words or your feelings.

    Men do what they want to do, for the most part. No concensus, opinion taking etc. needed.

    We want to consider every angle, feel ever feeling.

    Sometimes, I just do something totally different to get a different reaction.

    Sometimes, I want a certain reaction so I do what I think will get it.

    I don’t know if this helps – but I know you’ve been more action oriented or more clear lately….

    and don’t want to see you hurting. I want to hug you and tell you you’re fine, but I also want to simply respect who and how you are.

    And know – somehow – it’s all gonna be allright.

    That’s what I’m working on a lot, knowing that, not needing someone – especially a man – to tell me so.

    Follow your heart or your head…..something WILL change!!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:47pm

  505. 505: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    501 Yep men like me because I’m skinny and pretty. Big deal. And at 39, soon that will fade. I’m also a mess. And guess what. I don’t feel a bond with most men. Rare do I find that combination of intellect and edgy.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:48pm

  506. 506: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm….I noticed…each time Kaitlyn began riffing…in her own way…I feel I need to jump in and help her…give her “advise”…lots of it unsolicited…:(

    Telling her not to do something she feels strongly about…would only reinforce her own convictions..whether those might be…and at this time they are not so good…

    I think I can help Kaitlyn by allowing her to vent and say whatever she feels like it…without interruption…

    I noticed she stops when she receives comments about her riffs…I don’t want her to stop…I want her to feel safe to let it all out…

    I think Kaitlyn is highly intelligent and she will not let herself down ever…and she will sure figure her way out…

    Loosing a battle is not loosing a war…

    And I wish her well :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:51pm

  507. 507: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    Translation: let’s stop indulging this attention whore.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:52pm

  508. 508: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    And I don’t mind unsolicited advice. People who can’t handle unsolicited advice are weak.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:55pm

  509. 509: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    And let’s not gorget about my std. Surely, that makes for a real hit on eharmony. My inbox will be flooded with quality men. Yep.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:57pm

  510. 510: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    No, not at all…!!! I think I would insult your intelligence to continue to offer unsolicited advise or butt in…

    U get everything Kaitlyn :) That is why u are here still…:) I feel your resistance though :) and,

    I deeply care actually :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:58pm

  511. 511: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn, maybe you criticized him because he wasn’t doing the job, and maybe he was passive aggressive because he’s weak.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 2:59pm

  512. 512: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    @#336: Laughing Goddess says:

    “Guys, If you feel inspired I would love to hear what attracts you to a woman? What makes you feel inspired to chase her and claim her? If there was one quality that you would encourage a woman to cultivate, what would it be?”

    You’re just asking for us to get man-raped in here aren’t you? I mean you do realize that many women would get offended if we tell the truth, right?

    OH well, I’ll take a stab. Not like I haven’t stepped on toes already. However, let me highlight a disclaimer.

    (capitalized to highlight, not shout)

    OK, let me first explain that when I was in my mid-twenties, one of my best friend’s girlfriends talked to me about my beard. See, I had started experimenting with beards trying different styles to see if one fit me really well. She told me I was making a mistake. She told me that the first thing was that I had a face that didn’t need to be hidden by a beard, and that second, most women didn’t like beards.

    I of course pointed out that some do, so she said, “Sure, some do, but here’s the deal, most don’t and keep in mind that while most women who like them usually will still be attracted to you if you don’t have one, but many women who don’t like them, won’t if you do.”

    It made sense to me and the truth is, my love life kicked into overdrive when I stopped with the beard experiment.

    OK, so anyway, generally speaking, men aren’t much different than you ladies when it comes to what they like in a man when we are talking about looks. Fit and in shape equals healthy and evolution has taught us to put a premium on that.

    Here’s the beautiful thing. you can stop looking at the scale. There is no magic number at which you become sexy and one at which you become not so sexy.

    Rather just live healthy and include a lot of exercise. By this, I mean exercise, but also seek to include some active hobbies into your life.

    You would be surprised at how much better you will feel if you simply workout for a 1/2 hour 3 days a week. 4 days is better and 5 days is awesome.

    Lifting wights is not going to make you mannish looking. To do that you have to use steroids and I will forever hate that some women did that and it scared women away from weight training. It has been proven that weight training is one of the best ways to lose weight and get in shape. Strong muscles burn more calories. Like I said, you would have to work out 8 hours a day and take steroids to start looking like a man, and I doubt any of you would ever do that.

    Anyway, just working out improves your health both physically and mentally and this will automatically make you more attractive to the opposite sex. No worrying about any magic numbers or anything like that. It’s a guaranteed win.

    Hair. Men prefer long hair. (remember I am talking generalities) Hair stylists of course hate them. Doesn’t allow them to be as creative I think. Anyway, I would say that if you are going to ask what long is, I would say that so long as you are between the shoulders and the waste, you qualify. For me, at that point is has as much to do with how healthy your hair looks, as in clean and shiny. My wife wears hers to the middle of her back, which suits me just fine. She did have it down past her behind once but that was to grow it long enough to donate to “Locks of Love” without ending up with a boy cut in the process. This is when I came to the opinion that down to the waste is awesome but past that and it starts looking excessive.

    I think the main point is that most men are looking for a woman and a longer hair style will visually emphasize that his sites have landed on a woman. Thus it is naturally appealing to men. If this were not so, most of the women in men’s magazines would have short hair, not long. Most women who can pull off a short hair style will usually look even better with long hair.

    As far as a body goes, each man is different. This does not mean that there aren’t generalities that come in to play. A sexy body is still a sexy body. See above for the exercise because while you can’t change many things about your body without spending thousands of dollars on surgery, you can get in shape and to most men, in shape is the #1 thing that will make a woman physically attractive. And again, the results do start coming quick.

    36-24-26 is generally known as a benchmark for beauty and make no mistake, if a woman has measurements like that, she is likely to be viewed as pretty hot. However, very few women have that and so men really don’t put much stock in it. Worry more about just being in reasonably good shape and you are likely to see men respond positively. Even if you are already thin. It will affect you mentally as well and men will notice that. It’s not just about confidence, but you will also be happier.

    Let me also add this. I had to diet when I decided to go back in the military to get in the Navy SEALS, which was working out great until I got injured bad enough that they had to need drop me from the program after several months. Nothing permanent, but it needed time to heal, time I didn’t have since I was at the maximum age to join.

    Anyway, I basically cut out all “comfort food” and anything resembling junk food. To do this I did the Atkins first phase to start. It breaks you of your food cravings and had I not done it, I likely wouldn’t have succeeded at my weight loss goal.

    Now here is the most important thing. I was told to use a log. I was told to weigh myself every day and have a solid routine for doing so. In other words, go to the bathroom, weigh myself then shower. And write it down in the log.

    This became vitally important one day when I was doing great, but friends talked me into going to a smorgasbord after we went golfing one weekend. I pigged out something awful. I had fun, but that night I kept thinking I had totally blown my diet and that felt awful. Well, I got up the next day and did my routine and was shocked to see that I had lost 2 pounds. That motivated me to stick with what I was doing. All was not lost because of one slip-up.

    But if you choose to try to diet and lose weight, i can’t speak highly enough for that Atkins first phase to get you started because it really does break yo of your food cravings and addictions. No way would I have been able to give up some of my comfort foods had I not done that. But be warned, you will be very very grumpy for about a week. 5 to 8 days typically.

    Best part is, you aren’t hungry. Helps you resist the cravings you will get for that week.

    Clothing style is next. I don’t think there is one set style. I would say this, if you can get a man friend to come a long, one who thinks you are attractive, he can help you find clothes that flatter you.

    My ex admitted to me recently that she misses that. We would go to stores and she would try on loads of clothes and if she didn’t like it, she wouldn’t wear for me to judge. If she did, then I would weigh in. Basically I was there to do two things. If the outfit really really set her off and made her look hot, I was to tell her. Not all clothes are supposed to do that though so for other clothes, like professional or casual clothes, I was there to veto any clothes that didn’t flatter her or highlighted negatives. Sometimes it was just a matter of going up or down one size to find one that fit right. In the end, she had a wardrobe that flattered her and she got compliments all the time. I got the impression she doesn’t feel her wardrobe does this anymore so she was fishing to see it I would offer to do it again. Sorry but no. Not going to happen.

    With make-up, I think most men agree, less is more. Same for plucking the eyebrows. Some women get way too carried away with that. Waaaaaayyy too carried away. It’s like they are so afraid of having bushy eyebrows that they end up over plucking. A simple slight shift in the shape will usually be way more flattering, and of course if you are having to draw a new one on because you’ve plucked the whole thing away, you definitely went to far. Sorry if this offends some of you but I can’t just walk away from somebody who is drowning and not throw them a life preserver.

    Bottom line is that Mimi from Drew Carey was a caricature of the problem. Tammy Fay Baker was the real life image of the problem and most people don’t aspire to be like them. Less is more, work from there and you will likely have more positive results.

    Shoes. OK, do I really have to say it? Most men don’t even know the names of designer label shoes. You buy these to impress your girlfriends. Don’t be the least bit surprised if he doesn’t even remember what color your shoes are 5 minutes after he looks at them.

    As for high heels. If you can’t walk gracefully in them, they aren’t helping you. How a woman moves is a big part of her attraction. If you can walk gracefully in them, many men will find that attractive. For most men, it isn’t going to be a deal breaker no matter what you wear.

    I think that about covers the visual side of attraction. Now give me a minute to put on my flameproof undies before you let me have it. 😉

    P.S. Smile! If you smile a lot, you appear more approachable than a woman who scowls. I have seen many women who I thought were attractive but the one thing that bothered me was that they were constantly scowling and that took away from their attractive qualities a lot.

    OK, this is long so I will continue in another post.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:00pm

  513. 513: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    “WOW! I feel triggered! ”

    hahaha! welcome to the blog!

    I don’t mean to laugh at your pain at all. It just struck me as so funny hearing you say that…in a really cute way.

    I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your triggers. IMHO people’s reactions to us are usually based on their own stuff and interpretations of what we are saying. As long as I feel confident that I was coming from a wholesome place, I choose to let it go.

    I was just listening to this talk and the speaker was saying that some people will love the things we say and some will hate them or not understand them and there is really nothing we can do except not take it personally. It just the way life works.

    I really like that perspective. Thinking that way makes me feel calm and forgiving and able to tune the naysayers out.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:04pm

  514. 514: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    511 Doing what job? His suit job at Paramount back in the day? Or you mean his job in the relationship? If you mean, the relationship, you’re mistaken. Everything was great then. He didn’t turn passive aggressive until he had enough of my bullsh1t. Then I became super clingy/needy, making it worse. Even when he’d try to rectify the situation, calling me immediately to assuage my tears, I’d lash out. Eventually, a guy’s gonna give up.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:06pm

  515. 515: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    498: The Lurker says:

    “#431 Rusty, good points. However, imho the situation in #447 would be solved in a similar way by an intelligent beta. The sole difference is, the beta would act in that way out of necessity, not because they love to lead. And then, don’t even most betas lead their families? Hmm.”

    Great points.

    But I must confess, I feel uncomfortable by being addressed by another male on this board.

    LOL kidding 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:07pm

  516. 516: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confusion over the idea

    “when you are a rock star, you can do whatever you want”

    i am taking it to mean that doing whatever you want includes wanting to do something, but knowing it may not be the best thing to do in the long run, so you don’t do what you want. Having vision. And also, do no harm. I think it means living from your soul consciousness that discerns with a laser like sharpness, as opposed to the ego identity which judges and rejects with disdain and aggressiveness. I believe we all keep learning and growing…

    So, I think it’s less about WHAT you choose for yourself, but that you DO choose for YOURSELF, without blindly following someone else’s rule, or unconscious as to what is motivating you to make this choice.

    What do you think? What does that statement mean to you?


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:09pm

  517. 517: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – you are terribly hard on yourself. I don’t see that as helpful at all – in fact – punishing ourselves is, for me a “default” setting that’s just our way of protecting ourselves from someone else disapproving of us.

    And my ideas of weak and strong are somewhat different from yours.

    I love your being here and would like to invite you to truly Riff on this by going through the whole process of Flipping It, etc….it’s all in the “Self-Esteem” category – start from the oldest post there and work your way through. Many here can help you with Riffing – Daria is a master at it….Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:10pm

  518. 518: KSNo Gravatar says:

    “Man-raped”……roflmfao…..Thanks cuz I really needed a laugh! :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:12pm

  519. 519: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:


    36-24-26 Don’t you mean 36, for the hips?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:14pm

  520. 520: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    500: kaitlyn says:

    “I’m sure Rusty wouldn’t be so forgiving.”

    About what? I’m actually very forgiving. Might be hard to believe but tis true. 😉

    My philosophy as a leader was to always give my guys something to strive for but be pretty forgiving of them when they didn’t quite get there. Within reason of course.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:14pm

  521. 521: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    “#414 LG, Shannon’s new definition sure works for her. However, imho commonly understood words shouldn’t be redefined, that’s a bit too Orwellian for me. Imho calling such a guy a #1male, favoritemale or something like that would be better, to avoid confusion.”

    Ok, I get what you are saying.

    I feel good about leaving the definition of alpha male as it is common understood and coming up with a new name for the type of guy we are talking about. SS called him the list man. I like your suggestions too.

    What I would like to reframe or redefine for myself is the concept that women are generally attracted to alpha males. In my experience, I’ve found that while I may be initially attracted to the alpha male, I would ultimately choose the “list man” as my ideal partner.

    This has played out in the reality of my life. I am currently with a list man. At the beginning of our relationship, I found myself being pulled to leave him for a more charismatic, alpha type. I realized that this was an unhealthy pattern for me and I resisted those urges to give the relationship a chance and I am so thankful that I did.

    Rori encourages us to be aware of these patterns and give the “good guy” a chance. I am soooooo thankful that I did that.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:16pm

  522. 522: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    519: Elizabeth says:


    36-24-26 Don’t you mean 36, for the hips?”

    Ooops…My bad. Yeah, I meant 36. 😀

    What’s the “embarrassed” emoticon? 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:16pm

  523. 523: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Rori. I do appreciate you addressing me personally, not just for me, but for anyone killing themselves with an erosion of self-esteem.

    I’ve read all your self-esteem entries many times. Just as I’ve read, really, all your categories.

    I think you and I have have the same definition of strong/weak. Vulnerability is strength. If I’d known that during dating Adam, I wouldn’t have let my insecurities get the best of me; leading it down to its demise and slamming shut the cellar door.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:17pm

  524. 524: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    32-24-34. What do you think? heh

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:18pm

  525. 525: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    I truly feel appreciation for you reaching out to me and creating your tools.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:20pm

  526. 526: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty: Thank you for taking the time to explain what you are attracted to in a woman. I only read the first part. I didnt see the second. Maybe you are posting it right now.

    Mostly what I felt curious about was the emotional aspects you are attracted to, or the vibe a woman has versus the physical qualities. Can you touch on that?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:22pm

  527. 527: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda Hi,

    I don’t know if it is just me however I felt really triggered reading your texts with this guy.

    To me it felt like pressure from him.

    I think you did really well practicing and you are so right to stick to your guns… don’t let him wear you down or give in to something that doesn’t feel comfortable…

    He is just practice and each time we say no to one that is not quite right for us it makes more space for one who can bring what we want.

    To be frank and honest it reads very much to me as though he is looking for a hook up.

    And his refusal to consider any other kind of date is simply not taking into account your need to feel safe and respected.

    In fact I feel really angry.

    What kind of man ‘expects’ to be allowed back to a woman’s place on the first date and for her to be ok with that.


    A man who is looking for a hook up methinks.

    Nevermind that he came out of a bad relationship… it doesn’t mean he gets off the hook of treating you well and with respect.

    Maybe throw him back till he is ready to step up his game.

    Also I think I saw you write something about you are not in a position to be taken out and wined and dined…

    Excuse me what????

    Of course you are… any man would be lucky to get some of your time to take you out and wine and dine you!

    You are totally worth that and more.

    I’m sorry I seem to be really triggered around this…

    Maybe it is cus in the past I have not stood up for myself in this way and have accepted whatever a man threw my way, even if it wasn;t what i wanted.

    Think I am at the stage of learning that there are some men who may be great men, AND they just can’t do it for me!

    I look at a guy and he is sexual towards me too soon and doesn’t offer me a date and I make excuses for him and say ‘aw, he just finds it difficult cus he was hurt in the past, so I’ll let him off the fact that he just grabbed my bum despite the fact that it didn’t feel respectful, because he is a nice guy underneath… and I will just laugh and smile, even though really I am simmering cus he didn’t offer to take me on a real date! Just wants to try to feel me up!’

    NO – not anymore… Now it is about me saying – that feels really bad to me, I prefer to be taken out and wined and dined not just approached in a sexual way.

    And then hold that boundary.

    But still be soft and non blaming.

    Do the walk away if necessary! Yay that has just really helped me work that out. I feel prepared for if I encounter this again.

    Thanks Brenda.

    And breath…

    Sorry Brenda – I can see why I am triggered now.

    This is my stuff.

    Maybe we can feel our way through this one together?

    I am experiencing similar stuff with just getting a chance to practice saying no to inappropriate offers, and bows and arrows that don’t feel good to me.

    Although we have to see that they are still bows and arrows! 😉

    Anyway, despite my own trigger mometer going off over here… I still think he is pushing your boundaries, probably looking for a hook up and above all pls just be safe.

    Ella. xoxoxo

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:25pm

  528. 528: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding unsolicited advice, i would think that whoever posts here would open themselves up to just about anything, including unsolicited advice.

    So, I think it’s less about making the others wrong for offering unsolicitied advice, and more about another way for us to practice our feeling messages, as in, “I don’t want any advice right now, please” and similar messages.

    that’s my opinion on it,

    as SLV would say,

    YMMV (your mileage may vary)


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:25pm

  529. 529: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    485: Jacqueline says:

    “and that’s interesting in feelings…So I feel patronized, I KNOW you’re attempting explanation and making it easier on me…but I still feel what I feel.”

    Everyone has a right to their feelings. And better to get them out quickly so they can be dealt with than keep them locked away and allow a misunderstanding to fester into something bigger and uglier.

    “but if I had a boss the couldn’t EXPLAIN the reasons why to me? I’d quit. If I can’t see the big picture, if I can’t believe my boss is smarter than me – I quit. Not an ego thing, a fact of life thing. I cannot work for someone who doesn’t give me the facts/explanation I need to produce far superior results. And I do – I’m what’s called a rainmaker, I make money for people. But I have to know why, and believe in those people.”

    Agreed, but with this guy, it was beyond that. He simply wanted to question EVERYTHING. It was a personality flaw. But once he learned to channel things in a more positive way, his strengths were able to shine and mature. When I heard about how well he was doing, I was told that he did credit me with putting him on the right track and that make me feel really good.

    “Thanks for your patience and ummm, those measurements – are they Barbie’s????”

    Those are mine and I’m feeling pretty sexy at the moment thank you very much. 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:26pm

  530. 530: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much for your kind words. I am really, underneath it all, feeling very frustrated. I have always had abandonment issues but I don’t think it has EVER taken me this long to get someone out of my heart and my head. I don’t like it that he still has such a big place. I don’t understand it, I don’t want him there anymore. Thanks for saying that you see progress because I just feel like I keep going in a big freakin circle with this dude. I want to be at the point where he contacts me and I think “Ewwww….what WAS I thinking even giving you the time of day.” And I kinda wanted to start to CD….And then here comes the husband…..and he wants to try again…..and he’s steppin up….but I feel NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION AT ALL. I wish I did….I know my daughter would love to have her family back…..but it’s not there. And I feel lost.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:28pm

  531. 531: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    524: kaitlyn says:


    32-24-34. What do you think? heh”

    I would describe that, being moderate in my description, as Smokin Hot! And that’s no lie or exaggeration.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:30pm

  532. 532: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    520 Rusty,

    Forgiving of what? Read my last 10mins or so of black hole of bandwidth grief. Or Cliffnotes: I committed infidelity by accepting a 2 week hooker gig in Paris during the long dist portion of our 3 month albeit very close relationship.

    Why? Because I was broke, the $$$ was tempting, and I was beginning to doubt our future due to his passive aggressive acts like not getting me an XMas present (he was the one who instigated the gift exchange), waiting until 1pm to wish me Merry Christmas when it’s quite obvious ADORE Christmas. Hell, every time he’d call me, I was making gingerbread houses or buying decorations. I even have a gift wrap tutorial on my FB.

    And guess what sprung his passive aggressive acts? ME! Because I couldn’t believe a guy like him liked a girl like me. And I was also very envious of his accolades and such. My insecurities made me critical.
    My insecurities made me defensive. Sure, there were times i was sweet, thankful, and vulnerable, but then I’d ruin it for fear I wore too much heart on my sleeve.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:32pm

  533. 533: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m resolved about the facebook issue… so any of you lovely Sirens feel free to ad me!

    Also thanks to all the Sirens who have been suppotive and made suggestions about my businesses.

    It feels so great to have support like this!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:33pm

  534. 534: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty: Also, I don’t feel triggered at all by what you said about the physical stuff.

    Well, I did feel a little triggered at first do to the way you kept saying you. Honestly, I already know that guys are attracted to those physical things and I already do all of the things you suggested except for I could do more proper exercise.

    I am naturally thin and fit and I sort of take it for granted. I have a physically active life so that keeps me in shape too. I would like to incorporate more exercise for the other benefits it brings like feel good hormones and such.

    Anyway, back to the triggering. I was initially triggered by you using the word you. I was thinking why is he telling me this? I already know this.

    But then I realized that you didnt mean it as if I didnt know it, you were just answering my questioning and the triggering melted away.

    I have found that if I am describing something like you did above, if I use something more neutral like saying “a woman” instead of “you” I trigger less people. :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:33pm

  535. 535: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    525 was meant in my appreciation for RORI. thanx.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:34pm

  536. 536: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t want to be liked for my measurements!

    Pouty face.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:37pm

  537. 537: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    You won’t. But it’s a damn nice start. :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:39pm

  538. 538: EllaNo Gravatar says:



    Maybe that was a fruedian slip in that you do actually have some love and appreciation for yourself inside as well as critism?

    Dunno just my thought.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:40pm

  539. 539: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    KS: I feel ya girl and I just want to say, I think you are doing great.

    I feel happy that you have your husband around and that he is treating you well. I feel unsure of what the lack of physical attraction means. It could be your intuition telling you he’s not right for you or it could be a subconscious part of you that is trying to block out something good. Really only you can know that.

    It’s a process though and I trust that it will all become clear soon enough. I really believe that you are on a path to having your dreams answered…and soon.

    I’m wondering…the mere fact that toxic man couldn’t step up….does that make him unattractive to you at all?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:42pm

  540. 540: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    Yes I agree. I saw that as a sign from the universe or freudian slip as well 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:44pm

  541. 541: EllaNo Gravatar says:



    Yes and I am just feeling super triggered around this right now…

    Feeling cross at men for just being sexually attracted to me… when actually I want more.

    Issues to heal here.

    Work to do.

    Yes I am worth more… and men do want to spend time with me and take me out.

    And they will respect my boundaries for no sex w/o some kind of committment…

    And yet it is still ok for them to appreciate me as an attractive woman and find me hot and feel turned on by me…

    Arms open, recieving all bows and arrows from men.

    And flexible boundaries in place to protect me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:44pm

  542. 542: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    Old b,friend guy who took me on a date on Sunday and used to be head over heels in love with me has not been on touch!

    I was not sure I was feeling him still but he is a good man so I was looking forward to practicing with him and had resolved to give him a chance… just like Rori did with her husband.

    Now I feel annoyed and closed off bc he hasn’t been in touch!


    I feel a bit stuck right now.

    And with work too.

    Although I can feel it is gonna shift!

    I just know it will.

    Everything is gonna shift.

    But definitely a period of things not flowing right now… I feel like I am being tested.

    Like nothing is quite coming at me right now… but it is there, kinda waiting, just out of my sight….

    I don’t know, but the thing is I am not going to reach for it now.

    I am going to stay planted firmly right here with my arms wide open and keep working the tools, keep working on my businesses and just see what comes my way.

    And stuff will… I can feel it.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:51pm

  543. 543: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmmm…Interesting question. Yes and I guess that is the part that has me soooooo confused!

    I know he is immature (not a judgement…just his age & where he is in life) and has lots of issues to deal with (his own words).

    But even though I know this….I just cant seem to shake him. I will be doing fine for a few days and then things that relate to him will be put square in my face. At first I thought it was coincidence but it is too many things in large numbers that relate to us. Songs, places, thoughts, phrases, ideas….

    I know I could not be with him the way things are now and the place he is at now and thats ok.

    But I don’t get why he just stays so damn firmly planted in my heart and mind??????????

    I really feel like my space is being invaded and I want this to go away. I don’t get it?????

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:54pm

  544. 544: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    With regards to the long hair..

    Guess I better get extensions for my short CUTE, cut.

    Naw, I desire a man who will accept me for who I am, short hair and all. My short hair is stylish, cute and suits me perfectly. Men DO like short hair cuts on girls. I know this to be true.

    Rusty, this was not directed at you. I felt triggered by this and my NV’s started yammering at me big time.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:56pm

  545. 545: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens bed time for me!

    Got a big day tomorrow.

    Lots of work to do and then getting taken for a night out dancing!


    Have picked my outfit and want to spend that later part of the afternoon getting ready and getting into Siren vibe.

    Going to paint my nails to match my outfit!

    :-) xoxoxox

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 3:56pm

  546. 546: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Okay… RM showed up….LATE (very very) I have more to say about that but I can’t drop it and run it needs to be put in context….it could be very triggering if not told in the long version…but it worked like a powerful tool for me…. I am soooooo sleep deprived I can’t even type it all..

    Also, I am a SLUT… but I’m okay with it… giggle-burp….he was attractive to me… so this is different than last time right….lol.. practicing my new story.. “Sex when I want it whether I need it or not, kinda like a bath”

    I have NOOOOO idea if I’ll hear from him again, but that’s only cause he is RANCHERMAN and FALLS OFF THE PLANET and it cannot be overstated that EARTHTIME HAS NOOOOO MEANING to him…lol…

    He really latched onto my saying that he “falls off the planet”.. and kept saying, even as he left, that he was wearing his “gravity boots” to keep him on planet..I just laugh and say okay..

    I did tell him my thoughts about men “poofing” after sex and said that of course I would NOT be able to tell if he did cause he disappeared all the time.. he laughed.. and mentioned gravity boots again…

    To which I replied (again, I’ve said it before) that I thought he’d show up again one day and say “doll I’m so wantin you and I’ll be married to someone else and your gonna say dang, wonder if she sent me a text about that”….he just looked at me…

    I’ll post details soon…
    Angels on your body

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:03pm

  547. 547: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    KS – this happens to me. I assume the universe is helping me to really fully embrace my own boundary.

    Will I be able to say “NO, I don’t want this?”

    even if it comes up over and over and over and over?

    when I can say, NO I don’t want this, repeatedly without expending extra energy on being triggered… then I don’t even notice I’m even Saying no, because it happens so easily, and then it will Disappear, from my consciousness

    It would feel VERY and unncessarily difficult for me to try to move away from thoughts of a man if I was not dating others

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:05pm

  548. 548: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    I want you to know that I am cheering for you.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:05pm

  549. 549: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle: I agree about the short haircut thing too. I know guys who like short hair. I also know guys who like “juicy” women as they say, meaning women with lots of curves. It really is a personal preference.

    Luckily he prefaced it by saying that these were his own tastes otherwise he would be in a lot of hot water right now!!! :-)

    Really what I wanted to know what more of an emotional or energetic thing. I hope he expounds on that soon.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:06pm

  550. 550: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I went to my OG friend’s house yesterday, where the bugs initially came from, and swept up the whole house.

    Started the laundry, but didn’t finish.

    Then came back home here, and didn’t bathe before sleeping…

    so I bathed this morning and it felt good, then suddenly got bugs again – btw they are only 10% as strong of a feeling as when I first noticed them… then it was practically impossible to sleep –

    I guess it’s because i sat on a chair where i sat last nite!

    so I vacuumed my entire house and have now started the laundry

    I’m going to bathe, again, and embark on a depilatory adventure…

    it’s a hair removal day, after all

    and it’s 4 20!

    I have no 4 :20 pm plans,

    and i feel pretty good caught in my own vacuuming and washing explorations

    will see what pops up !

    enjoying taking care of me!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:08pm

  551. 551: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    I know what you mean. Like, view my heart, mind, and body as a connected set. Not a triple threat.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:12pm

  552. 552: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I dunno know though, I feel worried that maybe it isn’t a wise idea to ask a man what he likes in a woman.

    Is it possible that what he says he likes and what he actually responds to are two different things?

    Thinking outloud here. Happy to hear feedback.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:13pm

  553. 553: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    549: Definetly, LG.

    My being triggered wasn’t at all about our dear friend, Rusty but had everything to do with my NV’s and some stupid old tapes that got re-wound.

    Whew, some of those tapes are old…dating back to kindergarten when my mom gave me a pixie and sent me to school. In a dress, with a boy haircut, with bangs cut half way up my forehead, skinny, scrawny, monkey faced, boy in a dress, so I was told. Stop crying, you have the worst disposition of any child I have ever seen. UGH! My dad thought I was perfect. 😉

    Funny how you remember those things suddenly and how they affect you. Ish. Good thing I have grown up and learned the truth.

    I had to flip it somehow and since I am not very practiced at flipping, that’s how it came out. LOL


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:14pm

  554. 554: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    True. And it’s too vague. Better to ask them what they think makes for a great relationship. Or what keeps them around long after the phys attraction stage.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:15pm

  555. 555: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 330 T-Girl

    T-Girl, thanks so much for the support. It feels like a warm embrace and I could really use one. It hurts so much and I think anyone here who experienced a “rejection,” would know how I feel. I just did not expect it though. I think he is a wonderful person and he did not mean to hurt me. I think in some ways, he did love me, but was not in love with me. That hurts to hear. When he told me how he felt, I was so hurt, embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated that though I know he knew I was hurt, I “pretended” to be brave and grateful. I am grateful that he told me how he truly felt, instead of just disappearing on me. Still, it hurts very much. Yes, I am working on myself and doing things I like to do, but he is constantly at the back of my mind. I just want that part of it to stop. For me to start noticing other men. I can’t even bring myself to be interested in dating at this time. I am also scared to trust my feelings now, because I felt he was in love with me too. Apparently, I was wrong about that. Now, he is dating. Yet, another thing that was not easy to hear. Am I that easily replaceable? Did I mean anything to him at all? I know what I am supposed to do, how I should think and how I should feel, but I can’t help but feel like so undesirable now. It is so ironic that the man who helped me heal from a past relationship, and the man who made me feel so attractive and desirable for the first time in my life, is also the same man who now makes me feel so insignificant, unattractive and forgettable. I KNOW that is not his intention. I know he feels badly. In the end, I know it’s me. It is up to me to change how I see myself. NO ONE can do that for me. That’s why I am here – with strong, beautiful, amazing women like Rori and everyone else here, because the good thing about feeling badly, is that it is on me and therefore, I have the power to make it stop too, right? I am looking forward to receiving my Modern Siren CDs and maybe start dating again. Love and Light to all!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:17pm

  556. 556: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I love having longish hair. Makes my face look skinnier. And it’s rebellious against from when my mom would cut my hair short as a kid because my hair was just ‘too much maintenence’ for her.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:18pm

  557. 557: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks. So relieved to know this has happened to someone else. It was happening so much and has been going on so long that I was actually starting to feel like I am going crazy.

    It was like….Ok….I get that he is not for me…so please stop sticking every possible reminder of him in my face. But it just kept on happening!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:19pm

  558. 558: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 331 Jacqueline

    Jacqueline, thank you for the support. Yes, I do believe that love never dies and I think my ex is my first love. At my age though, you won’t believe that he is my first love and only my second boyfriend (let’s just say I am above 35). :) That’s why I am really having a difficult time moving forward. YES, I agree that I should do my best to not make contact anymore. In my last conversation with him, I told him that I cannot be friends with him and be “around” as a friend while he dates; but easier said than done though. I fight the urge to email or call him. What I do now is when I feel the urge to email or call him, I take my digital recorder, pull up his picture in my computer and “talk” to him (his picture) and speak my heart out. By the time I am done talking and crying, I am so tired that I don’t have the energy to call and the intensity of the emotion has died down a bit. YES, a part of me wants him back, but I cannot pray that way or wish that, but I do allow myself to dream… at least for now. I try to be open to other men too. I am not sure about online dating yet. So for all of you ladies who are experiencing a break-up, I suggest getting a digital recorder, it works for me. I listen to myself afterwards and hear how I sound and I remind myself to walk away with grace, self-respect, dignity and self-love. If I love myself enough I would not want him or anyone to hear me that way – professing my love for a man who has already told me he is not in love with me. He is a nice enough guy and I know he will pick up the phone and talk to me, but I think it will only make him feel more turned off. I may deceive myself that I would feel better after talking to him but afterwards when I am centered and focused, I know I will be ashamed for making that call. Lastly, if I really love him, I should want him to be happy… and I do love him… I think that’s why it hurts so much. Thanks again for the support.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:20pm

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    KS – this stuff happens to me all the time. like right now getting man after man that has some kinda hangup with going donw on women




    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:21pm

  560. 560: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 334 Laughing Goddess

    Laughing Goddess, you are a Laughing Goddess! Your reminder made my heart smile and gave me hope. I know that God has a reason for everything! I have no regrets. I am grateful that I have so much love in me and can love freely and openly… but what was missing was loving myself enough and loving myself first. Also, I was so scared to lose him that I did not trust myself that I am loveable just as I am. Even if it didn’t work out, he at least would have seen and be with the real me, as opposed to the “scared to lose him so much” version of me. I am trying so hard to let him go. Thank you for the hugs! I LOVE getting and giving hugs!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:22pm

  561. 561: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    526: laughing goddess says:

    “Rusty: Thank you for taking the time to explain what you are attracted to in a woman. I only read the first part. I didn’t see the second. Maybe you are posting it right now.

    Mostly what I felt curious about was the emotional aspects you are attracted to, or the vibe a woman has versus the physical qualities. Can you touch on that?”

    OK, now I feel bad that I wasted all that time on the first part and you didn’t even want it. :-) Just kidding. I’ll get over it. This was going to be my next part. Basically all of the other things combined. I hope it is less offensive. 😉

    OK, so what besides the visual aspects attracts a man? This is a bit harder, so it is even more vital that you understand that I am talking generalities.

    Because now, with things such as emotions we are getting into the 16 personality types of the Myers Briggs, there is of course going to be more cases where what one man likes, another will not. But I will try to address it in generalities.

    A man does want to believe that you are impressed with him. i think this would be true across the board for all 16 types.

    Here’s an example. I knew an officer in the Navy that looked vaguely like Val Kilmer and he had this totally perfect looking woman on his arm one day. He came up to me and was talking for a few minutes. I had seen him with a few times before and a few more times after this meeting.

    A few weeks later we had this function where you bring wives and girlfriends and he had a different woman with him.

    I asked him what happened to the other girl and he told me that he stopped seeing her because she was never impressed with anything. He told me how while in Germany, they were walking through a really old train station and he looked up at the architecture, was very impressed, and so he pointed it out to her. She couldn’t care less. He said it was that way with everything. He didn’t know if it was an act or if she really was unimpressed with everything.

    He said it made him feel like there was no way he could impress her and it left him feeling empty…flat.

    I already covered the chivalrous knight thing many times so I think most people get that. I don’t think men like conflict with you. Not that they are afraid of powerful women, or anything like that. It’s just that men want a woman by their side, not across the battlefield from them.

    Men are not as good at expressing themselves as women though and I do remember somebody here saying that some men said that they did feel intimidated by her. I’m thinking that is a clumsy attempt to say something else. Like maybe it is a way for the guy to say that he feels like you are an emotional bully and he’d prefer you not be.

    Maybe feels you give off the impression that your standards are set so high that no man can meet them. That would be intimidating.

    I feel pretty certain that a man will be attracted to you if he feels that you respect and support him, that you are willing to be right there by his side.

    I know from experience that very little hurts as much or is as damaging to the way a man feels about you than to be disrespected by his woman, especially in front of other people. He WILL eventually get tired of that and look for someone who does respect him.

    I think it is sad when a woman assumes the man was just being the typical dog who cheats when in fact he was drawn in by a woman who simply made him feel like a man while his wife made him feel like crap.

    My ex wife was of the opinion that if she made a guy’s head too big, he would become full of himself and thus go out and cheat. I found this out after the fact.

    The sad thing is that she had it 180 degrees out. By building him up, his affection for you grows stronger making him much less likely to cheat.

    If he is a dog that is going to cheat, no matter how you treat him, he will cheat when he has an opportunity. But a man who isn’t, might cheat if he is not emotionally fulfilled at home, just as a woman would. You will find yourself drawn to someone that comes along and starts building up what the other person has torn down.

    I’ve learned that an old concept has been given a new name here. This “leaning back” thing. I’m all for it. If a man is seeking some space and that is communicated to you through his actions, give it to him. He’ll come back around after a while. Probably sooner than later when you do lean back.

    This will make him feel comfortable around you. He won’t feel like he is walking on egg shells. Like it is OK for him to just be in one of his moods without feeling like he is risking his whole relationship because of it. Of course this only works if it is natural. By that I mean, you can’t make him feel guilty through words or actions. Seems to me that it would defeat the whole purpose.

    I think many men are sailors at heart. Even if just in their minds they need to get away for a while and it feels safe for them if they believe they have a faithful woman that will still be there with open arms and a smile when they pull back into port.

    This may have something to do with evolution where the men would leave to hunt and maybe be gone for days and the women were happy to see them when they returned.

    Making him feel your pain. I was with a woman for a while that did this. In EVERYTHING. This even extended to sex, or just cuddling. After while, I just came to the conclusion that we don’t fit together.

    I was with a woman who was not a toucher like I am and she admitted that her family was not touchy feely and she grew up with very little physical affection. I was willing to compromise but the problem is, she felt that I should just respect that she isn’t built that way. Sorry but this just does not work in the long term. Most people who are true touchers would probably tell you that their need for touch comes in closely behind their need for water, air and food.

    I think a lot of men loved to be touched, but there is a difference between a woman literally hanging on them like dead weight all the time. This is more of a problem with teen girls though. I think most women stop doing that as they get older and the hormones settle down a bit. But a few do and to them I would say that if their man tells you he doesn’t like this, I would not take it as rejection. He likely loves the touching, just not having someone literally hang on them all the time. It physically tires you out and things do start to ache.

    I had one woman use sex as a weapon. I think most men in a relationship view sex as just something that should be there once it has reached the point of being committed in a serious way. However, many women become turned off to sex if even the slightest thing has gone wrong.

    You felt your man paid a little too much attention to that other woman at the party. You didn’t feel like he listened to you well enough that day. You think it was selfish of him to go off with his friends that day. He didn’t get to you honey-do list that weekend.

    Sorry ladies but you can often make a guy feel like he is in a “hooker-john” relationship with this type of thing. To a man, this can feel like you don’t really love him, you just love what he can do for you, and only when he is doing for you in the manner you like will you offer up the goods. Begins to feel very disconnected to a man.

    Very appealing to him at that point when another woman comes along who wants to have sex just because.

    Think about it. Can you imagine your man withholding sex because a phone call with his mom didn’t go well, or because your mom said something rude to him and you didn’t stand up for him? Or because he saw you checking out the pool boy? Get the picture here?

    And if you withhold sex to get your man to act a certain way, maybe more supportive, etc.. you’ll likely find him going in the other direction.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:23pm

  562. 562: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 337 Laughing Goddess

    Laughing and Wise Goddess, I LOVE that advice! It is so generous and selfless! Thank you so much! I have so much love in me that it does feel like it is overflowing! I do that too! I smile at people and wish them well (even if sometimes it’s only quietly in my mind and heart). I do meditation too and remember to love and honor myself. I forget myself most of the time. I have never tried using blogs before. This is my first time and I am feeling better already! Thanks everyone!

    PS. I am not ready for dating yet. I just want to make sure I have enough love for myself first before I start dating. Right now, I feel a deep void inside me and I just want to make sure that I am not trying to fill that hole by dating men. I want to learn to be happy by myself and with myself first, that way, I have enough in me to have the strength to set-up boundaries and yet be the beautiful, feminine, soft and loving me. :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:24pm

  563. 563: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Blow some smoke my way chica! Maybe then I will chill the hell out. LOL 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:25pm

  564. 564: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    For the general question of what men like in women – imho #1 is humor. I talk online w/ a great lady, my age, intelligent, interested in the same topics as I am, and it looks like she has a crush on me. But she hasn’t got a grain of humor. Had to EXPLAIN jokes to her. OMG.

    Then the feedback. No mixed signals, please. Imho most guys love it when their lady appreciates what they’re doing, and shows that. And tells them clearly when she’s not happy about something. So, FMs are a great idea! Also, positively NO nitpicking about single phrases or ambigious sentences, please! What may be a hidden attack when coming from a girl is most of the time just an unfortunate remark when coming from a guy. If in doubt, ask with a FM. That will avoid many unnecessary struggles!

    As for the outfit: The hair… I guess its true that most men like long hair. I don’t. Always gets in the way while kissing. That’s a nuissance! 😀

    As for the figure, 36-24-36 may be the ideal, but scientific studies have shown that what triggers
    men positively is generally the hourglass figure with a relation between hips and waist of 3 to 2. So ladies, doesn’t matter if you have a bit more than 36. Simply show your waist! Use a belt, or a top that emphasizes it. Personally, I preferred thin girls in my youth, but nowadays I’m more into the more curveous ones. The important point is, there have to be curves, not a dress looking like a potato sack that flattens everything. Emphasize your hot parts, give men’s eyes a chance, pls! 😀

    And Rusty is totally right, your smile is an important tool! Use this, and the other Rori tools, and you sure will raise interest. :-)

    #515 Rusty – hehe! Nice return. :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:25pm

  565. 565: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    The other day I was ready to kill D for texting that he’s been “blitzed” for a week. And even though my mom even suggested that maybe he just meant “tired”, I was feeling furious, thinking for sure he meant drunk. And I was thinking LOSER!! why would you tell me that?? but then just now I went for a run, and I now feel calm and aware that maybe he did just mean “tired”. Weird. When I was feeling aggravated by him in the past, I remember rori suggested I go for a walk. What a wise wise woman!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:27pm

  566. 566: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, yes, you are doing great! He’s still interested and texting, and that’s something.

    My gut feeling is that he’s being kinda lazy. He wants what you want, but he doesn’t want to work for it. You want him to work for it. There’s the rub.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:27pm

  567. 567: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t been smoking pot cause I realized that it was just holding me back from doing stuff. But now that I’m not smoking, I just feel worse about not doing stuff, but stuff is not just automatically getting done. Obvious, but frustrating nonetheless. And what with it being a stoners holiday and all I’m feeling tempted…

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:29pm

  568. 568: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, guys! I love all the feedback about what works for you/turns you off.

    teehee. I was just curious so I had to measure. 38-31-38. And I am also Hot!! lol

    But I knew that already 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:31pm

  569. 569: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    btw, just got back from a lunch date with my ex. The date was about “business,” but he paid. And he’s expressed interest in a “physical” relationship before today, but I’ve declined.

    Afterward, I told him that he was welcome to date me if he wanted to, just as long as he was aware that I would be dating other guys as well, until it looked like something would turn into a relationship.

    So he said, “Well, don’t be surprised if I call.”

    hehe. I like how I feel about this. Because I stated clearly where I was, with no stake in the outcome, AND I gave myself a lot of options, while letting him choose what route he’s going to take, and letting him compete. I love it.

    Afterward, I felt so relaxed… :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:39pm

  570. 570: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    536: Ella says:


    I don’t want to be liked for my measurements!

    Pouty face.”

    I can understand why you feel that way. But is it realistic. If you have two guys, who other than looks, are equally great guys and they trying to get you to date them, are you going to date the one who is 75 pounds overweight, or the one who has a nice body and works out?

    Men are no different. They won’t “love you” because of your body measurements, but they will be more attracted to you if you are in reasonable shape. That does not mean skinny. I myself do not prefer women who are “skinny” I think most men have what I call an egg preference. By that I mean take the perfect measurements and than place an egg on that with the pointy end pointing to either skinnier or the other way toward more robust. The rounder end won’t reach as far one way while the pointy end does reach farther toward his preference.

    In other words, for me, I like women who are slim to more voluptuous. With an emphasis on being in shape. I just watched a woman walk by a few minutes ago who caught my attention and made my brain say “WOW”

    She likely doesn’t even know that a lot of men would think that about her because she is just a little thick, but she was also in great shape and was just coming from the gym in her work out clothes.

    I would bet a million bucks that she can find a million things wrong with her body, and yet many of us men, when we see her are going to think, “WOW.”

    I think you will be happier if you feel more comfortable with yourself. A man who wants a woman wants everything that she is and that is going to include her body. If a man seems gaga over you, or certain aspects, he is just being a man. He may be trying to simply let you know that he is attracted to you and not other women. He knows that ANY man who will date you is going to find you attractive so to a man this seems like a normal part of a relationship. Some are more crude in the way they show their appreciation for your looks and in those cases, i would think that over time, enough women will reject him such that he learns to be more gentlemanly.

    It just feels unrealistic to expect a man to not like you for your measurements…AS WELL AS, your other strong points.

    I also remember a woman on one of the previous threads talking about how a certain guy was perfect except that his body wasn’t the type she prefers. Too skinny. Feels really baffling to me that some women are sensitive to matters of physical attraction, while others will admit that they found the perfect guy but then lament that his body is not their preference.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:40pm

  571. 571: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “Thanks, guys! I love all the feedback about what works for you/turns you off.

    teehee. I was just curious so I had to measure. 38-31-38. And I am also Hot!! lol

    But I knew that already 😉 ”

    LOL you ladies are killing me with the measurements.

    You are all great. Like I said, don’t worry as much about the measurements as just workout enough to be healthy and in shape. You will find that men find this to be sexy regardless of the measurements or number on a scale. The great news is that it is something that you can do and for cheap. And the positive results do come fairly quick even if you don’t see them. You always going to be your own worst critic and while you may not see the results, others will and likely in weeks or a a month or two. I think you will feel the results in how much energy you have and just how you feel mentally. Exercise relives stress. It’s been a known fact for a long time.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:44pm

  572. 572: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #527 – Yes, you are right, thank you.

    I was out for a few hours and we texted more. I don’t have time to write it all out but basically we decided to meet Friday and just see what happens, and he agreed to just behave. :-) We’ll probably still watch a movie and cuddle at my house tho. Maybe not ideal but I guess I am too weak in my loneliness to say no. Maybe this one is a snack, as Rori wrote about. Cuz like she said in that article, I’m gonna go nuts if I keep on like this alone all the time.

    Thanks for your encouragement and advice, and same to everyone else!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:50pm

  573. 573: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #462 – I had the no text FMs on the tip of my tongue from last night. However, we are talking about meeting; he was at work; and I was feeling security from being able to check in with you all before my responses. So I let it go on. Add on to that I love to text! And I miss texting Ryan! LOL! Kinda fun to be flirted with instead of Ryan’s garbage.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:54pm

  574. 574: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    544: Lilybelle says:

    With regards to the long hair..

    Guess I better get extensions for my short CUTE, cut.

    Naw, I desire a man who will accept me for who I am, short hair and all. My short hair is stylish, cute and suits me perfectly. Men DO like short hair cuts on girls. I know this to be true.

    Rusty, this was not directed at you. I felt triggered by this and my NV’s started yammering at me big time.”

    LOL, hey like I said, it was genreally speaking. Yes, I have known a few men who actually said they preferred short hair and I agree that if that is you, and that is how you feel comfortable, then go for it. Find one of those men that prefer short hair.

    Also, you may also be one of those women that just have a face that can get away with a short haircut.

    I should also note that men aren’t nearly as hung up on the visual as we seem to be. I mean a man can and will love you, and even come to love your short hair, even if that isn’t his preference.

    I once dated a woman who had short hair and it was never really an issue to me. She had a model’s face. Think Jodie Foster with a softer prettier face. And her body was perfect. I never said one thing to her about her hair. My preference was still for long hair but there was so much to like about her visually, it was never even an issue.

    This is the reason I posted the short take on my friends girlfriend telling me to drop the beard. What she was trying to get at was simply by doing what MORE women prefer, it opens up more doors for me. That’s all.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:56pm

  575. 575: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:


    On the edge of my seat, here girl.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 4:57pm

  576. 576: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #552 LG: “Is it possible that what he says he likes and what he actually responds to are two different things?”

    Good question! Yes, I guess that’s true for some men, especially younger ones and those who don’t reflect about their inner feelings. Just an example: Shortly before leaving for the U, I was in a summer job and fell in love with a girl who worked there. I mentioned above I was more into thinner girls then. Well, she wasn’t thin at all. She had broad hips (but a good waist!), which weren’t, uh, adequately balanced by the chest, so to say. Still, we were flirting really hot every day, and if I would have stayed in my hometown, I’m sure we would have got together (even tho she had a boyfriend at that time).

    I remember that I felt confused about falling for a chick that wasn’t looking like the other girls I tried to hit on. Only later, it became more clear to me what had attracted me to her. In the first place, it was her humor. I have a weird sense of humor, sometimes very dry, sometimes Monty Pythonesque, but I always could make her laugh. That was wonderful! Also, she always made me feel she appreciated my advances and compliments. She pushed me away. I really felt I couldn’t do anything wrong with her. That was so relaxing, stress free, especially after the primadonna that I had wooed for two years before! I still think of her every now and then. With some regrets, but also a smile on my face.

    So, Goddess, to answer that question, yes, from this personal experience, I’d say that sometimes guys aren’t really sure about what attracts them in a woman. When the feelings run high, and the hormones weigh in, too, it may take some time to figure that out! :-)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:07pm

  577. 577: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #574 Rusty: “I should also note that men aren’t nearly as hung up on the visual as we seem to be.”
    I totally second that! Ladies, u really don’t have to look like Hollywood beauties or pop stars. Simply put what you have in the best possible light and stop worrying!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:11pm

  578. 578: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “Emphasize your hot parts, give men’s eyes a chance, pls! :D”

    Lurker is 100% right. I can’t endorse this notion enough. Every woman has flaws. Men aren’t as interested in your flaws as they are the things about you that make you attractive. Emphasize those. That’s why I suggested you get a guy who is attracted to you physically to offer his opinion when shopping for clothes.

    I knew a girl once who went out of her way to emphasize her negatives and made the statement that this would allow her to find the guys who could deal with her negatives.

    I can’t even tell you how misguided that is and how it shows a total lack of understanding on how a man’s mind works.

    As for the humor, I guess I never thought of that because most women i have dated are pretty sharp intellectually but yeah, I don’t think it would make for a great connection if I had to explain jokes to her all the time.

    And I also agree that mixed signals are horrible. I very much prefer that a woman just be honest and forthright with me. Don’t try to manipulate situations, which I think is the number one cause of mixed signals. Usually mixed signals are a red flag that she isn’t in to you and thus trying give you just enough to keep you around for some convenience. Like fixing her appliances or car. Or she is trying to manipulate you.

    I would have to say that the number one thing though is approval and respect. In my humble opinion.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:16pm

  579. 579: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, wish we could edit comments here! In # 576, of course I meant to write “She NEVER pushed me away.” Sry.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:20pm

  580. 580: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel confused and would really appreciate some advice.

    I’m practicing feeling messages and I’ve been getting spectacular results and my relationship with R has become so much closer in a matter of weeks. But now I feel like I’ve made a mistake somewhere. We had an amazing weekend and he was giving me so much love and attention and went to work Monday as usual but for the first time EVER he didn’t make plans or let me know when he was available before he left :( he lives over an hour a way but he makes advance plans to see me once or twice during the week and every weekend. I am leaning back and trying to stop myself from asking when he will be here again but I feel confused suddenly there’s no plans. Yesterday he called and mentioned going to work tonight, (we both work on this project but I don’t have to physically go to every meeting) and joked that if I drop into work tonight to collect files I’d get to see him for a few minutes. he didn’t ask if I was going and wanted him to collect me (he always offers) and he didn’t say he would come over after (he has every other week). I tried used feeling messages-
    I feel weird. I feel better when you make plans for us to see each other.
    He just said he respected how I felt and he was just saying he loves to see me as many times as possible and then had to end the call.

    He didn’t call or text today, he never asked if I was going and he still has made no plans for this week. I’m trying to lean back and not text him that I miss hearing from him but this is the first time in 7 months that we’ve had no plans and now no contact for a day.

    I feel disconnected. I feel afraid.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:22pm

  581. 581: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty – I have restrained as long as I can. It’s not a given that a man in his forties and/or fifties will have peepee problems, AND you are NEVER too old to do it.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:25pm

  582. 582: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 299 – Angel Lady, that feels good and takes all the pressure off. Thank you for that!

    #403 – Congratulations on all your achievement and new, beautiful and sexy wardrobe :) It feels great reading this!

    Any plans for the Easter holiday Sirens?

    It would feel good to go on vacay with HotAmazing man :) … will see what happens…

    Tuesday’s date felt great and so much fun. I love sushi and the chopstix and this and that just makes it interesting.

    Great food, great service and great environment with HotAmazing man sitting across from me gazing into my eyes in that poised gentlemanly way…. I lean back, smile and do the “Air”. I say nothing and hold his stare. I can see that he is captivated and mesmerized :)

    Daria – I love your post. My waxing lady is MIA! Need to fix this. I hate when there are little, scratchy bits poking out. Gotta paint my toe nails asap – tired of leaving so much time between colours.

    ….Then I can thank myself on Siren Island :)

    Happy Easter Holidays Sirens!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:27pm

  583. 583: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m trying not to worry about what he’s thinking or if I’ve done something wrong but I keep coming back to I must have pushed him away somehow and I can feel my vibe getting clingy and leaning forward even though I’m at home, not calling or texting and keeping busy with my own life. I feel disappointed.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:28pm

  584. 584: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    I think guys know what they are attracted to physically but that doesn’t mean a man is a slave to their preferences nor do they always feel the need t change a woman to those preferences. Some will but I don’t think most do.

    But like myself, while my preference is for long hair, the girl with the Jodi Foster (but prettier) face had me totally gaga or her. I was extremely physically attracted to her.

    But my preference is still for long hair, and I stand by the fact that this IS the preference of MOST men. Facts don’t like on that one.

    My advice is to do first what you feel comfortable with. But if you are looking for things to change, that will open more doors for you, then you have to go with what more men prefer. Just as I dropped the beard and found more women accepting my offers for a date.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:28pm

  585. 585: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Ooops! my post 582.

    #403 – Mel, that was to you. Thinking too fast, i did not mean to leave your name out.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:28pm

  586. 586: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    “Rusty – I have restrained as long as I can. It’s not a given that a man in his forties and/or fifties will have peepee problems, AND you are NEVER too old to do it.”

    True. Especially with the drugs they have and other fixes on the horizon. But what I was getting at is that as you get older, swinging from the chandeliers sex marathons will become less important and all of the other things will become more important. Does he have a good sense of humor and make you laugh with ease? Does he treat you kindly, etc…

    That was my point. 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:33pm

  587. 587: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks guys! I’m feeling really intrigued hearing your pov.

    My experience with the physical attraction thing has been the same as you described.

    My guts is so in live with certain parts of my body (and spirit, of course) that he doesn’t even know notice my flaws.

    For instance, early greying runs in my family. I started getting grey hairs in my mid-twenties. I’m 38 now and I have my fair share. I used to feel so insecure about them and try to dye them. I felt horrible about it.

    But he couldn’t care less.

    What a relief!

    I’m going to henna my hair soon which will add a blond twinge to my greys and make them look like highlights. But there is no stress or rush around it now. It’s just for fun. I like playing around and beautifying myself.

    And it’s the same in reverse for my guy. He’s kind of small for me. He’s only an inch or so taller and weighs about 10 lbs more. I felt a little uncomfortable with that at first. I love the feeling of being with a bigger man. But he is just so beautiful in other ways that I quickly moved on from that concern.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:34pm

  588. 588: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    “My guts is so in live with certain parts of my body (and spirit, of course) that he doesn’t even know notice my flaws.”

    sorry…that’s supposed to be “my guy is so in love….”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:38pm

  589. 589: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    544: Lilybelle says:

    “Naw, I desire a man who will accept me for who I am, short hair and all. My short hair is stylish, cute and suits me perfectly. Men DO like short hair cuts on girls. I know this to be true.”

    Yep, I’m with you on that one Lil. I’ve never had very long hair. Mostly it’s been around shoulder length, sometimes shorter but not very very short.

    But, a year ago, I agreed to let my head be shaved for a fund raiser. ( I had secretly wanted to do this for years just to see what it would be like – just never been brave enough.) I actually quite liked how I looked sans hair and it felt fantastic AND I’ve never before had so many compliments from guys and of course they all wanted to run their hands over my head too ; )

    So for me, that was all the proof I needed that men like women who like themselves!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:41pm

  590. 590: RustyNo Gravatar says:

    567: gina says:

    “I haven’t been smoking pot cause I realized that it was just holding me back from doing stuff. But now that I’m not smoking, I just feel worse about not doing stuff, but stuff is not just automatically getting done. Obvious, but frustrating nonetheless. And what with it being a stoners holiday and all I’m feeling tempted…”

    Bad habits are hard to break, even once you remove what caused the bad habit to happen. I imagine you feel overwhelmed and don’t even know where to start.

    Simple. Start small. baby steps. One step at a time.

    If you aren’t working and weren’t getting up at a good time, start doing so. Don’t worry about anything else. Just learn to get up at 7:00 and then maybe go for a relaxing walk. get the blood flowing.

    Once you get that to be a new habit, you’ll naturally want something to do to fill this time with.

    Also, at some point after this, you might want to make a to-do list and have a time you are to start something. Start slow. Put on thing on the list early in the day and leave it at that. Anything else you do after that is just because you see it needs done and you feel like doing it.

    The main thing is to get yourself back to being focused and disciplined. So in doing that the most important part is starting the task at or before the time you had on the calendar. This is training so it can be anything like a simple chore.

    Anyway, good luck to you Gina and I hope you do get yourself back on track. You will feel better after the initial struggles to do so.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:43pm

  591. 591: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 355 Femininepower

    Femininepower, thanks for the advice. Yes, I do that too. My bestfriend says I should let go of how I truly feel especially since no one is around to hear it anyway. That’s what I would do when I would talk to “him” through my digital recorder while looking at his picture. It almost has the same effect as if I am talking to him in person, minus the emotional damage and scars (for both him and me) that would otherwise be left behind if I actually called him. I know it will take awhile. I wish my mind would quiet down though. I can’t help thinking about him being with other women. It hurts so much. It is when I imagine him going on dates that I start to feel sorry for myself – “maybe if I am thinner, younger, prettier, had a stable job;” or, “only if I didn’t cry so much, he would probably still be around.” Then, after a good cry, I tried to bring myself to the present and remind myself that if I can only let go and focus on wanting to be happy, then by law of attraction, I should soon find happiness, right? Big HUG!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:51pm

  592. 592: Paula0126No Gravatar says:

    Re: 378 Elizabeth

    Elizabeth, thanks so much for sharing that. I will try that! Xoxo

    PS. If I missed to thank anyone specifically, my deepest apologies. I am trying to check the postings while looking for a job. LOVE and LIGHT to all of you Ladies and apparently, some men are here too! xoxo to all!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:52pm

  593. 593: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque…I thought about you last night… What’s the deal with a guy w/a serious foot fetish?… It works well for me because… seriously… my feet ARE perfect…but still wondering where this comes from and does it mean anything in the scheme of things…

    Oh my hands were considered beautiful too but the feet have been lusted after for weeks… yes I sent pics…..lmao

    angels on your body

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:53pm

  594. 594: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:


    “So for me, that was all the proof I needed that men like women who like themselves!!”

    Yes! That has been my experience as well. I feel smiley reading that.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 5:53pm

  595. 595: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “sex marathons will become less important and all of the other things will become more important”

    Not necessarily, it’s all important, sex marathons regularly AND the other stuff as well as no drugs needed.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:05pm

  596. 596: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Girl I love ya’ but foot fetishes? EWWWWWWWW!
    YUCK! Maybe cuz I have ugly feet? Roflmao….

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:07pm

  597. 597: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl – I don ‘t know what to tell you about the foot fetish thing. It’s a common one in the world of fetish. Where it comes from, who’s to say, childhood issue? just because?

    If you can work with it and be okay with it all, it can be a wonderful addition. Where I would feel concern if it becomes the focus to the detriment of your pleasure and satisfaction.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:08pm

  598. 598: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Lil, I covered the gist of the eve… it’s just kinda long about his being late.. the reasoning on his part could be a deal breaker…proof being in the pudding and all.. he says he can wear gravity boots but can he dial them into more frequent contact and UPDATES when the plans change! We’ll see…

    The interesting side effect was that I was almost fuming by the time he got here..but trying to do the steps…1)boundaries, 2)feelings, 3)words, 4)surprised… I kept focusing on the exact feelings I felt…not what he did/didn’t do.. should do differently…

    He was operating on the belief that the IMPORTANT thing was that he came here…I was operating that he did what he said WHEN he said and changing what was said when it was needed…

    By the time he got here I was not “excited” or giddy or any of the other feelings that made be feel forward leaning all day.. I’d been trying to not control all day.. it had been really hard, but by the time he got here I was glad to finally meet him. I still wanted that, but didn’t really give a flip..

    It was 12:45am (date was for 8:30-9pm) He called at 9:30 to say on his way (2 hr drive)… I do see between the lines…Earth time has no meaning and he’s marched to his own drummer for many many years.. has had women that need exact times and when things change and he doesn’t know the exact time he’s just decided to not tell them anything until he’s on his way..

    I told him that I can be flexible, but I need words… and that from now on I will not make plans/get ready until he calls and says he’s on his way and that he might miss me w/this way of doing things…

    I told him that if he’d told me the change and that he didn’t know the exact new time I would have just said call me when you’re on your way but I would not have felt foolish and bad and wasted my time getting ready and my cousin’s time coming to babysit (wasn’t needed as my kids were in bed when he got here)..

    I could tell he’d honestly never considered it.. and he felt bad… Esp later when I was telling the story that my boy asked me before the first phone call @9″30 if I was going to “dump” him.. I said that I’d have to meet him before I could dump him..

    Then when I was telling him what my boy said when he went to bed at 10:30 he interrupted and said “to REALLY dump me” and I said no.. that he’d never get to meet any of my dates this way… I could tell he felt bad.. But that being said I haven’t heard from him yet today…And I’m going to bed in a few.. at 8:30p.. I’m so tired…

    He really does lose track of time and I’m not sure that’s something I choose to deal with… I’ll just have to see..

    He was just awestruck and bragging about my work and I told him to keep it up he had a lot of kissing up to do for being 3 hrs late…

    It made me really come from a place of no expectations.. not looking for results or outcomes when he got there… I wanted to see his face and that was all…

    I told him if that wouldn’t have been the first time he met me and I wanted to look decent, I’d have washed my face and gone to bed and he’d have to knock to wake me up…

    He was his fun/communicating self that I so enjoy… I had a really good time… I’m not sure on the feeling hooked.. I am so exhausted that I could feel weepy and “hooked” about my cowboy boots at the moment so can’t know for sure… I’ll know more tomorrow…

    Love you!
    Angels on your body

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:19pm

  599. 599: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    596: KS says:

    Girl I love ya’ but foot fetishes? EWWWWWWWW!
    YUCK! Maybe cuz I have ugly feet? Roflmao….
    Too funny KS..
    Well.. it didn’t feel weird.. Sitting on the couch he just kinda rubbed them sweetly, but I could see the change in the breathing.. and later in bed it was just more of they got kisses too, which I don’t mind.. Esp since I got my first pedicure in 20 some years a few weeks ago (still looks great) and got flowers on my big toes on sexy red polish…

    It made it kind nice to not have to worry about my flabby parts (from loosing so much weight, or poor sagging shrinkles.. formerly known as an bodacious boobs… ) and just see a part of me that IS “perfect” make a man weak in the knees… fun! LMAO

    Angels on your body

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:43pm

  600. 600: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    597: tinque
    Thank you!
    He’s all about my pleasure.. he was SOOO intent to pleasure me he kept asking questions and even at one point wanted me to guide his hand…

    The part w/the feet was just that they got a lot of kisses and touches too…

    OH and if he’d had his way I would have NEVER shut my eyes.. not even making out on the couch.. He’d just look into them and say “you have the sexiest intellect”…. He was always asking me to open my eyes..

    I finally said that I would try but that I needed to close them sometimes so I could focus on what the other areas of my body were feeling as that made me feel it more.. but that i’d look at him as much as poss..He than wanted us to both close them for a min and see what that felt like…

    It was all in all a nice experience…

    Thank you for your feedback! I appreciate you!
    Angels on your body.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 6:51pm

  601. 601: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ManCd talked to me all with a not good feeling tone when I picked ip the phone and he heard other men’s voices.

    He accused me of thinking he’s ‘game-goofy’ that he doesn’t know what I’m up to.

    I feel flattered and also scared. :(

    It Diesnt feel hood to hey a bad feeling tone.

    I hung up on him.

    He’s called back 6 times in the past 2 hours but I didn’t pick up <—/ drama story

    Aha noticing my tendency to get dramatic

    I love me

    Yes I feel vary flattered that he's angry.

    Rori said if he gets angry, that's good!

    Maybe he will step up … And ear my pussy… Like squidworth.

    Hmf all these men accusing me of thinking they are foolish pattern.

    That I take advantage of them bec I have high requirements.

    That Diesnt feel good.

    Now I know tomorrow I can say I felt bad and didnt want to feel that way, and we did not have plans that day and j didn't want to talk anymore when you seemed upset and I didn't want to be talked to in that tone and I didn't feel heard.

    Don't have to get 'restitution'


    It's Good that he got mad! Says Rori.

    Amd I don't put myself around that way of talking. So now he will know.



    I feel excited.

    He got angry! Yay!

    I did the walkaway when I ft unheard! Yay!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:33pm

  602. 602: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Just got back from a run and a manicure. Ok…


    I feel curious about your opinion of my situation. Thanks! And, yes, ‘unsolicited’ advice is very welcome.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:36pm

  603. 603: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I used the honey wax from Sally Hansen. They give plastic transparent strips to lay over the Honey wax.

    Its roomtemp and it washes with water.

    I feel happy about manifesting this pretty wax.

    I’m going to do it myself in a full length mirror.

    I love aesthetician stuff. :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:39pm

  604. 604: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I miss my Adam. I miss one of his first emails to me saying ‘you’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re clever, you’re mean. I like you.’ I miss his long, thin hands running up my body as he tells me, ‘You are well-constructed.’

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:41pm

  605. 605: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I now still have the bugs which ‘the guess of my mom and of partner’ are crabs.

    I don’t think they are, but if they are… Ive said it Outloud because I am not a coward.

    Anyways I haven’t had sex so whaaat nvs

    They’re just invisible bugs that like hair. Including eyelashes and pubic hair. But not head hair. They like to drink stuff.

    Medicine woman is a gangster. She knows that vinegar baths take care of it. Shell wash and vacuum the whole house cuz she wamts to feel good.

    Medicine woman is daughter of the earth. Medicine woman is feeling ashamed of the creatures of the earth.

    She feels like her value is lowered.

    Medicine woman is believing the lie. One live!

    I live you tiny bugs! I’m sorry for Pretending that you are shameful! Please forgive me! Thank you!

    Dear bugs I know you are my friends. And I am betraying you by saying bad things about you to other people.

    Like I don’t honor your wisdom.

    And how you are teaching me that vinegar baths bring my period and soothe my mind and muscular.

    And that I have the energy and ease to vacuum entire homes in a few minutes, enjoying myself.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:46pm

  606. 606: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – damn he had game

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:47pm

  607. 607: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I miss one of my first memories of him. I was sitting in my boss’ office with the door open and there goes Adam traversing past us in the hallway, in his flannel and black concert tshirt, in his typical sulked posture on his lanky frame, papers crinkled in one hand, muttering to himself, “That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” My boss (who’s younger than us) and I just bust up laughing for that moment was so iconic Adam.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:48pm

  608. 608: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, what’s funny is you would never think so. Ever. Until he was close to me. He was so introverted, shy, and reserved until behind closed doors. That made me feel special.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:50pm

  609. 609: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    You still have that memory. You get to keep that.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:52pm

  610. 610: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    Wow a torturous consolation prize. Yippie.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:53pm

  611. 611: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am making love to bugs who have somewhat under the influence of others fears become an STD.


    Get out my sexlife people!

    It just Has to be am STD huh.


    People be trying to shame other people!

    Ok it’s me!

    I admit it!

    I judgemental about sexual stuff and feel icky about STDs.

    Umm I dono if that was it.

    But something is happening here.

    I love the tension on my tummy.

    I love my tension.

    I love my shame around sex.

    I love my judgement of others sexual ‘cleanliness’

    I feel humiliated to not think of Muself as clean.

    I feel terrified that if I let go of clean, I will not Br clean and my family will no longer want me.


    That feels like relief.

    I think I got it now.

    I love my ferlings and my sexual and all over health and cleanliness and I

    Will love myself even if I have aids herpes leprosy, lice and giant parasites and fungus and dead ness.
    I love myself no matter what Mutherfucjkers

    Ugh I feel so triggered!

    I feel so angry!


    Feels relief

    I love my feelings

    My tension my anger

    I feel judged

    I feel furious!




    So mad
    Funk. Them for telling me I’m not good enough!

    I love me!
    I Am Goid enough!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:55pm

  612. 612: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    611: Daria says:

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    I am making love to bugs who have somewhat under the influence of others fears become an STD.


    Get out my sexlife people!

    It just Has to be am STD huh.


    People be trying to shame other people!

    Ok it’s me!

    I admit it!

    I judgemental about sexual stuff and feel icky about STDs.

    Umm I dono if that was it.

    But something is happening here.

    I love the tension on my tummy.

    I love my tension.

    I love my shame around sex.

    I love my judgement of others sexual ‘cleanliness’

    I feel humiliated to not think of Muself as clean.

    I feel terrified that if I let go of clean, I will not Br clean and my family will no longer want me.


    That feels like relief.

    I think I got it now.

    I love my ferlings and my sexual and all over health and cleanliness and I

    Will love myself even if I have aids herpes leprosy, lice and giant parasites and fungus and dead ness.
    I love myself no matter what Mutherfucjkers

    Ugh I feel so triggered!

    I feel so angry!


    Feels relief

    I love my feelings

    My tension my anger

    I feel judged

    I feel furious!




    So mad
    Funk. Them for telling me I’m not good enough!

    I love me!
    I Am Goid enough!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:55pm

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:56pm

  613. 613: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:


    I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t use a good memory to punish yourself. You deserve to feel happy about what you had.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:58pm

  614. 614: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Laitlyn – that quality is gonna show up in someone else. Swear to god it will. Now you just gotta practice so you can ‘kerp’ the ones that you like. Means gotta not act like you’re less than.

    I am practicing.

    I like Man Cd.

    He makes me want to give him the pusdy. Lol,

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 7:59pm

  615. 615: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    im not a raging potthead rusty, yeesh i feel defensive. and yeah i have like 4 jobs btw. smoking pot often and leading a more free spirited party lifestyle, i felt content with what i have, and now i feel restless. also, before i imagined id end up with d, and now im back at square 1, which ads to the discontent

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:01pm

  616. 616: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am keeping him pretty well right now, tho I am feeling increasingly near my tolerating intimacy limit.

    It is at the part where I freak and I might lose him, cuz he’s bucking like a bull at my boundaries.

    I feel freaked out yet exhilarated.

    I am doing better and better with each mr desire that shows up, and they’re staring to come more and more.

    Since I put in work w the mr disspaasionates and being honest and self responsible w the mr disgustings.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:03pm

  617. 617: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I hate how on day 1 of Paris, he asked if I’d arrived ok and if I was ok. I wrote back, “Just checking into another hotel because the Four Seasons wasn’t big enough. Dude will be gone most of the day. I’m going to Gucci after this lady finishes steaming my clothes.”

    You know what I REALLY wanted to write but didn’t? Because I didn’t know about soft on the inside yet???

    “I hate being here. I hate the mistake I made coming here. I hate every fiber of my being. I failed myself. This is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I hate knowing I’ll have to let another man touch my body even if that’s all he will touch. I want no part of sharing myself with anyone other than you. I wish you were here. I need you to hold me. I feel like I want to die. I am seriously considering getting the f#ck out of here.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:03pm

  618. 618: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina I didn’t feel good without pot as much cuz I love pot and honor smoking it as a sacrament and blessing.

    I love setting an intent with smoking and seeing it come true.

    I feel glad I finally gave up trying to ‘quit’

    And now instead any addiction has fallen away… I only smoke with desire and intent.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:05pm

  619. 619: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – great rewrite. I know it feels painful. You’re doing well to practice with it. Next time you’ll get it w less excruciating pain. And the time after that even less. And less and less. Whew.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:08pm

  620. 620: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:



    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:09pm

  621. 621: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    I started emailing him that, that day back then. But I erased it and instead, my email was about how showing off how valuable I am as a hooker.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:11pm

  622. 622: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glad pot did not just let me walk away but instead stepped up changed her behavior towards me and has started to show me why I should have her in my life and Adding to my life.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:11pm

  623. 623: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Thank god pot gives me major anxiety attacks. Major as in might have to go to the hospital. Good. I already spend enough money.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:14pm

  624. 624: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – hey I do that too – show how valuable I am as a hooker. I go to ‘impress’ nit express.

    I catch Myself and rewrite.

    Then im the moment too.

    And I don’t let the mam off the hook – as much as I can.

    If I don’t let him off the hook he is very attracted.

    I thunk you let Adam off the hook by starting e the apologies. Your own ‘stuff’ came up and then u got taken over by thoughts that are less than.

    The truth is, it’s all about how the man treats YOU not how u treat the man, that keeps him around.

    You can treat him extra bad and even have sex in front if him and he’ll still stick around. Only you going bad on You can push him away.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:17pm

  625. 625: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn pot is free. My girl gets anxiety attacks too.

    Pot is ‘different’ for me now. This is a good time for me.

    Other times might not be. not good time as in party. But good time as in this is a tine when spirit has opened that door for me in this away.

    Other times the door might have been closed . I may have been getting the anxiety attacks too.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:20pm

  626. 626: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    dang Kaitlyn. Im not gonna lie, it would be hard for me to forgive myself for betraying a love and for prostituting myself. But I can’t say that I’m above what you did. Im sure you had your reasons. And I know about regret – I have felt it about some pretty freakin big things, and it’s been hard to forgive… majorly hard. But now I see that some of what I did was a way for me to figure out what I do and do not value. And now I don’t even care about the “mistake” i made: I really am able to appreciate the lesson I learned. And until I came to that conclusion on my own, any positive affirmation from others sounded like some useless Hallmark card to me. I just know that you HAVE to forgive yourself. I think that’s why Rori was encouraging you riff about it until you come to a point of feeling genuine relief and love for yourself. I know it’s hard to even want to begin a process that will relieve you of all the guilt and blame you feel – because I know that I tend to want to hold on to that stuff and keep on punishing myself and keep on suffering. But I like what Rori said about how self blame is the default mode. To me, if you can take something horrible and find the flip side of it, then you can feel as intensely GOOD as you felt bad, as PROUD as you felt ashamed, and you can be as BIG as you felt small. I really believe that if you can muster up that much forgiveness in yourself, you will be so much less likely to lash out at a good man in the future. But so long as you continue to beat yourself up, I don’t think you would behave any better (maybe even worse?) if you were pursued by another man you could love. Let it out, Girl. Riff!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:22pm

  627. 627: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, maybe you were lashing out at him because you felt like crap about yourself. but you didn’t have a good enough reason to feel bad about yourself, so you wanted to prove it to him and to you, so you did something that would prove to you both how rotten you are. Like a self fullfilling prophesy type thing. I don’t know if that kind of analysis is productive, but that’s what came to my mind. But I still know that all that self hatred is not productive and that forgiveness is the cure

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:27pm

  628. 628: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty #571 – Not so fast there! Who said I didn’t go to the gym? In fact, I think my measurements were a little bit off. According to my last measurement – from my gym *ahem* – I was actually 38-30-40. Need those extra 2 inches to account for my booty. But even though I don’t go to the gym as much as I’d like, I do stay active as much as possible. But I DON’T do it because I think it’s going to make a guy like me. In fact, I’ve often found that when I put on a few extra pounds I get *more* looks from guys (they seem to like where the weight goes, what can I say?). So it’s not about it. I do it because it makes ME happy and feel better. So there ;P

    But you guys are seriously killing me with all your comments. First off, I’m super impressed – and surprised! – that you’re on here gabbing with all us women when I think most men wouldn’t dare. And second, you guys are so insightful! You really know what you want and like. And everything you say is so awesome!

    I guess my personal “problem” right now is that, even though I “get” most, or even all, of what you’re saying about how relationships work for you, and I know it to be true on an intellectual and experiential level, I don’t necessarily always feel it when I’m *in* the moment with a guy. I can know it when I don’t have the emotions associated with my experience. And the minute I take a step back, I see it all clearly. Sometimes I even *see* it in the moment – and I still want to do something different! Yeah, I know. It makes no sense. I guess that’s probably the kind of trouble that we all have – and why we’re here trying to figure out ways to work around it and/or with it! lol

    But I want to say I really, really appreciate your male perspective on this! Don’t tell Rori, but I almost think it’s even more useful than some of what she says! But it all kind of goes together.

    Did she plant you here?;)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:27pm

  629. 629: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    FYI about foot fetishes:

    I can’t tell you much about foot fetishes, but I can tell you an interesting factoid about he brain.

    You’ve seen a picture/model of a brain, right? So you know how it has all those lumpy curves and stuff. And because of that, different parts of the brain bump up against other parts. Well, it just so happens that the part of the brain that corresponds to sensations in the feet bumps right up against the big portion of the brain that is devoted to sensation in the genitals. So therefore, when your feet are stimulated, a little of that energy can spill over onto the “genital” area of the brain. Interesting, right? So we don’t all have foot fetishes, obviously. But it sure explains why toe-sucking feels so good! 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:33pm

  630. 630: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love un’educated’ men because they are self assured and free thinking.

    I love how my baby says ‘momantic’ instead of romantic. I feel touched and teary .

    I feel good to see how loving you’re partners ‘flaws” feels like from thus side.

    OMG he said he missed me so last nite.

    And later in the convo he called me sexi.

    I feel so giddy when a man makes me feel good like this.

    When he’s so into me and I can tell and he’s the kind I like.

    He kissed me then he was like OMG it’s too early the next day.

    His kisses were so cute and I felt protected and filled w love.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:38pm

  631. 631: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I want a man to paint my toes! Its my romantic fantasy.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:39pm

  632. 632: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My. Baby asked me for words in Romanian. And said them. And he’s into me and likes when I talk about me.

    My baby loves my personality.

    I love me too!

    I love everything that is me.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:41pm

  633. 633: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty re: #578

    You wrote:

    “Every woman has flaws. Men aren’t as interested in your flaws as they are the things about you that make you attractive. Emphasize those.”

    Then you said:

    “I knew a girl once who went out of her way to emphasize her negatives and made the statement that this would allow her to find the guys who could deal with her negatives.

    I can’t even tell you how misguided that is and how it shows a total lack of understanding on how a man’s mind works.”

    So which is it? Emphasize our flaws or don’t? Or ignore them because they’re not important?

    I’m confused… :/

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:45pm

  634. 634: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little nervous about writing this but would it be useful if you tried to answer these questions for yourself?

    Was the Paris trip really just about the money or were you testing Adam?

    Did you doubt him when he said that he was ok with your history?

    Were you really the perfect match for each other? Did you bring out the best in each other? Was there forgiveness for other mistakes?

    Did feeling his love make you want to do better? If it did, were you not feeling his love…to the depth that you wanted and deserve?

    How would it feel if you did have that?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:51pm

  635. 635: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hi girls… I have been busy at work this week, so not much time to keep up with the blog…. I scanned over a few hundred posts and want to say Conratulations to Mel!!! Very happy for you about the job!~ I also understand about taking on his mood. Hard not to do that though when you live with someone, unless you just leave and go somewhere else.

    Daria, about the oral…. do they want you to give them oral? If so, I’d approach it in a way like, I’d be happy to give your oral, because I know how much you enjoy it. I need a partner who cares about my happiness and pleasure too.

    Ladies, I’m hearing some excuses tonight, and I read so many posts, can’t remember exactly all to who I’m suggesting this, but I think a lot of times men tell us who they are. Up front, out loud, and directly. BUT, we don’t want to hear them, so we make excuses… he just got out of a bad relationship, he has a work issue, his mother is sick, he’s been cheated on, had a bad divorce, financial problems, busy schedule, and on and on and on… and we excuse their bad behavior, because of what they are going through. I’d like to see us practice to not accept the bad behavior, and remove ourselves from the situation, lean way back, and if they persue us when they are in a healthier/more stable place, try it again. But to stay in these situations, before a relationship has even really begun, sounds like self sabatoge.

    like in Brenda’s case… He was telling her what he wanted. It’s important that we hear them, and not try to convince/change their minds/ or even manipulate to change that into what we want to hear. His post was clear, didn’t say he wanted a date, or was looking to date, it said he wanted to cuddle and kiss and watch a movie. Brenda, I think you handled it well, stated what you wanted… but it sounded very clear in his responses, that he’s not looking for a date, to spend money, go out, see if there can be a friendship, or a connection. If you can accept casual, and use it as practice, I think that would be great for you to put yourself into that frame of mind, and own it. ex: “I am open to an intimate relationship down the road, but only after meeting in public, to see if I’d even be interested in connecting with you that way.” Period, end of discussion… If you’d like to meet me at _______ at 7:30, I’ll be there. If not, then I’m not the right girl for you. No explaining about your past, or how you feel, just own that you are looking for some physical comfort, but that it will be YOUR choice if he is a man that you’d let give that to you.

    If you know you want more, and a man who is open to more now, not after he decides if he likes making out with you, then I wouldn’t waste my time with him. I don’t think you should have to explain yourself so much. I know if it were me, and I was hoping for more, before I would have attached an outcome or be thinking down the road, not really focusing on what his ad said, but the excuses he said or I conjured up in my mind. Now, I’m not wasting me time, and for me… most casual relationships have left me feeling pretty sad. Some, haven’t been as good as I thought, so I was still disappointed.

    Kaitlyn, I feel sad reading your posts. I sense a lot of anger and pain in your words. I know it’s not easy to let go and move on. Been there, done that, took a long damn time. BUT, have you thought about what you will do next? What do you want for yourself apart from Adam? If Adam isn’t going to be in your future, can you come up with a plan, that will bring you peace and happiness without him? Then, can you take a babystep in that direction? One step at a time, I don’t meditate and haven’t read most of these books that everyone refers to on here, so I don’t know what might be the best step… but can you just change something small, and then another small thing,… and babystep your way into a better frame of mind? At some point, you have to forgive yourself. (can’t say that without you’s, sorry!!!) You do, you did things you regret, it’s in the past and you won’t do them again. I understand the self blaming, and how hurt you really are, I just want to see you pick up two pieces of that broken heart and figure out how to put them back together, and keep adding to it. This is your life, the only one you’ll get, please don’t spend another day hating yourself.

    To the ladies that are getting their happy endings, dreams come true… soooooo glad to hear it. Makes me feel better knowing that relationships continue to grow and bloom. :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 8:59pm

  636. 636: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise3 @ 633

    Great insights there, it sounds like you are in a really good place right now. : )

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:06pm

  637. 637: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I tell them I will do it when I feel happy and satisfied sexually.

    I’m not conveyed about communicating around me giving them oral.

    I feel panicked right now – my nvs are saying that I’m being judged as either too concerned with my own receiving in thus or that I’m treated badly by being asked to service men.

    And so what if I was

    And no

    This u’s about me yes me I do t have sex w men w out Them going down on Me Goddamit.

    Umf feeling mad.


    Yes I care about my sexual pleasure and I absolutely require a man going down on me before I consider letting him inside me.

    And no I don’t wNt to do it to him first.

    Teaching a lesson by leading won’t work cuz I’ll be leader and that won’t feel good.

    I feel better to just require it and say no to what I dont want.

    Omgosh feeling so angry

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:10pm

  638. 638: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I read: He’s saying men aren’t as interested in your flaws AS They Are InTerested in Things that make you attractive. Emphasize the things that make you attractive.

    There was an ambiguity around the pronoun ‘they’ in that sentence. As in” they” – the men – are [interested]

    Not “they” – the flaws are what Is attractive.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:15pm

  639. 639: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    So… about 10 days to 2 weeks ago, I realized, I really wanted to focus on me. Not on finding a man, meeting a man, keeping a man, loving a man, being friends with a man, or worrying about a man. I wanted to focus on MYSELF. But, also wanted to practice when I felt like it,… so kept my POF profile up and added an OK cupid.

    SO, right now… I have a couple guys in the picture.

    First one is Mike, from my home town, has been calling me (always calls, no texts), cancelled on him last Friday, he asked me to dinner Mon. night, but late, last minute, and I didn’t have a sitter, so turned him down. He asked when I would have some free time, said this weekend… he said, didn’t have to be anything big, but would be nice to meet. I said sure, we’ll talk later. I haven’t called him, see if he contacts me. I honestly don’t care either way, so doesn’t matter to me.

    Then, there is blackjack dealer John, holy heck… I totally understand why men get tired of texts. He texts me constantly, and if I don’t reply right away, he texts to ask if I got his text….lol. It’s almost comical. I feel like the universe has sent me an overdramatized mirror. I don’t text constantly, but I do use a lot of !!!! :) :) in my texts, just chit chat… and because of his work schedule 3AM-11AM, he’s off while I’m at work, and wants to chat. He has been good and said, doesn’t want to bother me while I”m at work, text him when I have time… but we are supposed to meet Friday, and I haven’t even had a chance to get excited about it, because he contacts me constantly. I actually called him yesterday when I left work, was driving, couldn’t text, we talked for about 20 min. and then he called me last night and we talked for almost 2 hours. Today, more texts. It’s just a little much. He lives pretty far away, about 45 min. has only been divorced 7 months, so… not sure I feel like this is too promising. His pictures and profile are nice though, ugh I don’t know. If Tom had texted me half this much, I’d be thrilled. I also don’t like some of his parently stuff. He lets his 7 and 9 year old stay up until 11 on school nights. Mine are in bed by 9:30. That was a bit of a red flag to me. But, between being a parent, and a former teacher, I know how important sleep is. He doesn’t seem to need much sleep though, guess it works for them? I don’t know. Think he lives too far away though. That feels bad to deal with again.

    Then, lastly there is fireman Paul, with the 70’s porno mustache…lol. He asked me out, we said tentatively Sat. and he gave me his number. The more I’ve read his profile though, I don’t think he’s for me. There are a lot of sexual references on there, from his answers to his questions, doesn’t sound like he wants to get married again, so I’m going with my gut. I know I should give people a chance, and not be judgemental, but I’m usually right. AND, I really don’t have that much free time, and bad dates just make me want to quit dating.

    So, may be dateless again this weekend… not sure what I want to do yet. I feel bummed out,… tired, need to rejuvenate. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a pedicure this weekend. That would feel nice.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:18pm

  640. 640: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    “The truth is, it’s all about how the man treats YOU not how u treat the man, that keeps him around.”

    Nope, DARIA. RR, CC, and J Gray all say it’s our job to inspire them. Maybe it’s a chicken/egg debate, but there ya go.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:19pm

  641. 641: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I am the proud owner of a spanking fine pair of feet! Had 88 fans on a porn site, even a 22 year old girl wrote me – omygosh!!…and all I posted was pix of my feet! True festish is kind of a sad and weird thing, but this just sounds like a turn on, PG. Guys love feet and so glad you had the pedicure!

    I don’t think I could have greeted him warmly being that late – good for you though because it sounds like it was so worth it. Thanks for the thrills….


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:20pm

  642. 642: LDNo Gravatar says:


    I feel confused. You have a guy who won’t go down on you but asks you to go down on him? Did he give a reason why he won’t go down on you? I don’t understand a man refusing to do this.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:22pm

  643. 643: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Daria, didn’t mean it to sound like you should please them first, I’m just surprised men are telling you no. Are you asking them to go down on you without your reciprocating? I don’t understand…. usually when I’ve talked with men about sex before having it, they tell me how much they love doing it. The ironic thing though, oral isn’t a real big deal to me, so I don’t care that much about it. BUT, they all seem to want it, so if it was something I really wanted or needed to feel satisfied, I’d think it would be fair to say that was how I wanted to be pleased.

    Daria, I really wasn’t judging you, at all… just trying to suggest another way to bring it up. I don’t know any men who don’t like to receive oral. Just an idea, not a criticism.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:27pm

  644. 644: LDNo Gravatar says:


    Lots of guys love pretty feet. I couldn’t find your post about this, so I’m not sure if he gave you reason to think this was just an appreciation for your pretty feet or something more along the lines of a true fetish.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:27pm

  645. 645: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I was thinking it sounded like sand fleas because we got this awful used loveseat last summer and they’re invisible and my back just got eaten up and they never die…just stay inert until they get body heat.

    But if it’s crabs, I think they might sell something at Walgreens for that over the counter. I had this awful stuff called scabies once…same idea but the bugs burrow under your skin. It’s an easy fix with a prescription for Kwell lotion – same as crabs. But I’m sorry I don’t think you’ll ever get rid of em with vinegar. And all that washing and vacuuming, for me it was a nightmare.

    3 Ex ago….guy comes home with chigger bites…from Indian dancing in South Dakota. Instead of medicine or even putting clear fingernail polish on em, he sits in a tub of clorox. OMGosh….

    sometimes it’s just easier to go get the medicine.

    I hope you’ll be allright.

    And interestingly – metaphysically when bugs show up…it’s small stuff bugging us.

    Anything up with that? I’ve found it to be valid…

    Take care!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:30pm

  646. 646: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Arabians won’t do it, period. So, I never expected them to…people should be comfortable with what they do, I feel….

    and hiya! Turquoise, so good to have you here. I missed you!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:32pm

  647. 647: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I like the ‘stache porno fireman!! Yeah! sounds like Bradley Cooper in the Good Guys….

    very cool! TQ!!!

    And if you end up home, you’ll just have time to enjoy and date yourself – reframe?


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:35pm

  648. 648: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – yeah I don’t want to argue… If youre open to hearing me, what I’m saying is it’s up to u’s to inspire them By not cutting them any slack. When we can do this it keeps them around.

    As soon as I start ‘tolerating’ out of fear they’ll leave, that’s when they’ll leave.

    So it’s our jobto inspire them by making sure they are treating u’s good… By u’s saying No and sticking to it even when they’re angry and by reaffirming our worth no matter what – by not judging ourselves badly.

    If we judge ourselves as stars – that inspires them.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:35pm

  649. 649: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks J!!! :) And clorox…lol, reminds me of my brother. Whenever he gets poison ivy, he pours clorox all over his skin. Yikes!

    Daria, I’m with J, might be time for something stronger. Maybe bomb the house? Even with the vacuuming and cleaning, they’ll just keep hatching unless you kill them in egg form. If they are invisible bugs, don’t think it’s crabs. I think you can actually see those, pinchers and all. Anyone else at home having this issue in their rooms? Hate to say it, but you might need a new mattress. :( Hope it gets better soon!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:38pm

  650. 650: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I expect all men to go it no matter what culture.

    Also I totally do not believe that Arab people won’t do it period.

    That is starting to sound racist to me speaking for all Arab men.

    Anyways it’s My Boundary. I won’t do it without having it first and I don’t care What the damn reason is.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:38pm

  651. 651: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mm ok feeling triggered.

    It’s ok everyone the bugs are actually under control.

    They disappear easily with vinegar.

    I hadn’t had issues them for almost two weeks until I went back to the house where I noticed them. They’re Aldo at another persons house in that neighborhood.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:40pm

  652. 652: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    5 x’s ago….there was Rahan Khan; Pakistanian darling rock and roll bar owner. I should say the “good” ones won’t cuz my friend married a very bad one who would but also who messed around.

    I almost married this Rahan…course everyone called him Alex. If he hadn’t have wanted to go back to Pakistan to do it, I probably would have.

    His mother hated me!!! found him a 28 year old wife when he was 50, had a baby the first year and is very happy…

    So, he’s totally not devout but some things are just non negotiable…and one night he orders shrimp and they come bacon wrapped. I thought he was gonna puke – so I just explained to the waitress…

    and now I’m that way about bacon. lol

    Once we met mid day and he convinced me we should go see Ninja Turtles the movie, because it wasn’t about the MOVIE, it was about spending time together…

    He was and is a doll!

    Then there was an Arabian radiologist who wanted to marry me…and I was good with it IF we could let our children choose their religion and he was like no they have to be his religion…so we didn’t get married. But I never had kids –

    Funny how you make huge decisions on little things like that.

    Another guy told me he’d pay for me to finish my expensive private University schooling if I married him BUT I’d have to quit eating out at the cafeteria every nite, it was just too expensive. So I didn’t marry him…good thing too; although he’s a millionaire by now…when he has a party he complains if someone eats more than ONE hamburger.

    Men – all types, all styles….Me…LUCKY! I love men!!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:42pm

  653. 653: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #633 – Thanks for your feedback. It was troubling me tonight, and I finally texted him and said sorry, I realized I am not willing to accept anything less than being wined and dined, and my conscience is bothering me, sorry. So it’s ended.

    Chalk it up to practice, and return to my lonely home.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:43pm

  654. 654: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Oh yeah J, I can totally use the time to date myself this weekend…. but I’ll be with girlfriends and family too. I don’t even think it’s them, I think I’m just not in the mood to date right now. I need to work through that. Hmmmm….. know it’s because my ex is redeploying. I end up feeling this loyalty to him when he’ll be overseas. SO RIDICULOUS, I don’t owe him a thing, he’s not mine, we aren’t together…. habit maybe??? I don’t know. Need to figure some things out. Just don’t want to waste my time on men I’m not excited about.

    Where the heck are Alonka and SLV?????

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:43pm

  655. 655: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    633: RiverGirl says:

    I feel a little nervous about writing this but would it be useful if you tried to answer these questions for yourself?

    Was the Paris trip really just about the money or were you testing Adam?”

    Money. Just money. I wasn’t testing him, but I kinda thought I could have my cake and eat it, too. That’s whore logic. I deep down thought he’d stick around even after his much dismay and shock over my decision. He tried his best to come to terms with it and said he’d still be mine, but then he couldn’t erase the reality of the situation and quit emailing me halfway through our trip and even ignored the rest of my messages.

    “Did you doubt him when he said that he was ok with your history?”

    Not at all. For someone from such an upper-middle class background, he’s gone down the rabbit hole from drugs and sexual deviance. He’s friends with several famous authors who are/were sex workers. He gets it. Even at the workplace we shared, everyone knew about my past and it was no big deal. It was a very liberal/artsy company.

    “Were you really the perfect match for each other? Did you bring out the best in each other? Was there forgiveness for other mistakes?”

    Yes. And as best as we could. I tried making him look on the bright side- he is naturally more cynical, darker, black cloud than I am. My entire life, ppl have complained I’m a pessimist. As for forgiveness, he forgave that I went to dinner with a guy in exchange for legal advice. He forgave that I kept up online male friendships with guys from gawker.com. He forgave that I didn’t tell him I had an std until after many times of unprotected sex.

    “Did feeling his love make you want to do better? If it did, were you not feeling his love…to the depth that you wanted and deserve?”

    Absolutely it made me want to be a better person. But being a better person felt so out of reach then. I had no job, and tons of free time to feel like my identity and confidence rested on his shoulders. As I said before, my insecurities got the best of me, i became clingy/blamey, he acted out in passive aggressive ways like being too busy with his career to carry out promises he made to me about little things like getting my jacket back.

    “How would it feel if you did have that?”

    Amazing. Soft. Melty. Someone I love at my side.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:44pm

  656. 656: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wtf feeling resentful and angry.

    Im feeling unheard.

    I feel overwhemrd by advice that I don’t need or want and I’m feeling judged! Ugh!

    This feels sooo triggering to me.

    I feel awful to have people not See me.

    And no, I’m not offering to reciprocate oral sex.

    It’s not About an exchange – its about giving to Me sexually.


    I feel these feeling . I love my ferlings.

    I feel angry that my feet got changed after pointy shoes!

    I just feel Bery bery angry!

    I love my anger!

    I can barely take it!

    I feel whoa!!! Rufff!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:46pm

  657. 657: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria cool, if they go away with vinegar they’re probably sand fleas.

    And I will say in my experience….with all sorts of Arabian men…they didn’t like it. Pakistan, Afghanistan, Arabian, Iranian and Indian.

    But they all had beautiful brown eyes!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:46pm

  658. 658: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Brenda, it’s ok :) You will find someone who will want to wine and dine you, and in the meantime, you can practice, figure out your boundaries… I’m really glad you sent him that last text. I was worried you’d go along with what he wanted, just to have someone, but I think we can inflict a lot of damage on ourselves when we take less, accept less, expect less. It’s going to get better. Tonight was practice! Good for you!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:48pm

  659. 659: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    forgot to add

    “Were you really the perfect match for each other? Did you bring out the best in each other? Was there forgiveness for other mistakes?”

    And he was always very encouraging of my creativity and making sure I was pressing ahead trying to turn it into something lucrative and productive. Just as I’ve been doing for years, but even more.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:50pm

  660. 660: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nvs – everyone thinks I’m a super slut full of STDs!


    I normally don’t even like to Use this line of thinking on myself – but am so under it’s grip!

    I feel furious!

    How dare you be in my business like thus!

    How dare you judge me!

    Feeling so angry!

    Loving my anger!






    Loving me.

    Affirming myself.

    Loving myself no matter what they think and oroject onto me!


    Loving my fury!

    Shutdown close!

    Can’t take it!

    Can’t take the fury at feeling powerless about the rumors!


    Fury anger!

    I want to be treated well!

    I want to hear myself spoken about well!

    I don’t want negative judgments assumptions and guesses about me!

    I don’t want to feel judged!

    I don’t want to be misGot!

    Fury at not being seen!

    I want to see me!

    I see me!

    I feel so mad at mom!


    Loving me!


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:53pm

  661. 661: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #656 – Thanks! Now if I could just figure out how to deal with my lifetime of loneliness before I go insane.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:53pm

  662. 662: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – I don’t know and I miss them!! SLV got angry at something someone quoted and left but I don’t have any idea about Alonka? anyone??

    I know how ex emotional attachment is and you’ve got so much involvement going on – I hope you can just start baby stepping in a way that feels good to you!

    Brenda! yeah…I feel sad but I also know these guys who just will keep on and on because they think we are weak and will cave, and sometimes we are; but we’re here learning better. You did good!!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:55pm

  663. 663: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Well I’ve had one Iranian man ask to do it to me. And I’m guessing men of other of those ethnicities I’ve dated would’ve done it.


    There’s a guys who have that vibe to me that they font.

    And now I attract them where before I didn’t.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:56pm

  664. 664: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You let it loose, girl! I love ya!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:57pm

  665. 665: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – the inner child date – from Orna – I had for Muself healed my loneliness. And it was just One date so far.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:58pm

  666. 666: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Who’s judging you Daria – I said I’d HAD crabs…and I’m sure not judging either of us! are you? it’s human, it happens to totally “innocent” people. No judgement attached,

    I felt funny to keep ignoring it when you’ve talked about it a lot – so engaging in convo was my attempt at empathy.

    I feel good about caring.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:58pm

  667. 667: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks! It feels so good to have all of you to come to for support. I wish you were here and we could all really be on an island. But it feels nice to have your support just the same, and amazing when I think about us being all around the world!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:58pm

  668. 668: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    What is it that Arabian guys don’t do? They won’t go down on you?

    I, too, do not understand a man who won’t give a woman oral.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:59pm

  669. 669: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee: haven’t heard from you in a bit.

    Are you ok?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 9:59pm

  670. 670: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    and you know this was years ago, maybe it’s become more accepted by all men?? Alex was omygosh…20 years ago?!!!

    It’s true! Love never dies!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:00pm

  671. 671: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    LOLZ because the most Christian Siren on the board is #666 !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:02pm

  672. 672: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I believe you WILL heal your lonliness waaay before you go insane, and I’m sad that you are lonely and glad that you are here and wanting so much for a companion for you. A simple thing – a nice guy – but it’s just not so simple, huh? BUT, it could be just ONE MORE try away – you never know.


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:02pm

  673. 673: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Yep, who knew I’d meet Adam after my short stint with the most toxic, manipulative dude ever.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:04pm

  674. 674: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, you are a wealth of wisdom based on experience, love it! :) Thanks for sharing. Yes, babysteps… I take lots of them, just keep going back to an old place, need to change that. I am very emotional when it comes to him. The thing is, I’m not in love with him, know we are better off not living together, but still feel very connected. Maybe that will get easier as the girls get older? Won’t have to be so involved with him then? Right now, I send him texts and pictures, emails, share decisions, concerns, happy stories, etc…. might get easier as the girls get older and share more with him on their own. I don’t know.

    Realizing though, I don’t have a clear picture of the man I want. I made this visual board and he’s on there, but his back view… broad shoulders, muscular, dark hair, arms wide open to the ocean. I’m not sure what kind of man I really want. Guess I should start thinking of a more particular list, so I’ll recognize my soul mate when he shows up :)

    I am doing better cd’ing strangers though. A man stopped to pet my dog while we were out the other day and we chatted, I held eye contact, smiled, etc. Also doing it more with men at work, NOT in a flirty way, but in an open and expressive, smiling, happy way. My vibe feels so different now than it did with Tom. His birthday is this Sunday, thought about texting, but won’t. Hmmmm. Not missing him anymore either. That is good. :)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:05pm

  675. 675: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yes – Meemee – thought about you a LOT last nite. Please please let us know!

    Thank you Tmizz…

    I’ve gotten over it – whether they want to do that or not, esp. since older guys are all talk about it because – ummm, they’ve gotta take a cialis otherwise?!!

    I like doing it to them, and as long as I get what I want…errrmmmmm, very nicely thrusted…heee….I am a happy 50 something woman indeed.

    And I’m gonna be so red faced if our guys come around on this…blushing….

    Hugs to all,


    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:07pm

  676. 676: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – Maybe you are focusing too much on the fact that you are not getting it? It’s like with the law of attraction. You think you are focusing on what you want, but in fact, you are putting all your attention on the fact that you don’t have it. So you end up attracting more of the lack, not the thing you want.

    Or, another way to see it – it could be like “leaning forward” to the Universe.

    I like to think of the Universe as my provider sometimes. Well, okay, maybe all the time. teehee:) Men can be good providers, but the Universe provides the men! haha.

    So what can you do?

    Lean back to the Universe, maybe. Stop focusing on the *frustration* of not getting oral. Start appreciating what you do have that turns you on – whether it’s a guy or a sunset.

    The Universe already knows what you love.

    i bet someone will offer it to you soon 😉

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:07pm

  677. 677: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    @ Kaitlyn #669

    Good one, but I’m not a Christian! 😉

    (p.s. not to mention 6″69″…;)

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:10pm

  678. 678: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, for me, love doesn’t mean you can live with them. It’s lesson #1! but I know the perfect guy for you….cuz I just wrote about him on facebook – how about….

    Of course for pure hold your breath hotness? Maksim Chemerkovskiy sends me, and about 9/10ths of all American females, huh….”pity” Kirstie Alley…NOT!

    Well maybe they’ll make a Maks clone genetic thing soon???

    Swooning off to dreamland lullabyes…

    Night everyone!

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:11pm

  679. 679: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    LOL…. J, Maks is HOT, whew the tattoo on his side the other night? Wow, what a body. BUT, he’s too tempermental for me. I don’t want to fight with my man. No temper tantrums for me please.

    My dream fantasy man, Clark Kent :) Whew, Tom Welling on Smallville… YUMMY. He’s not the dorky nerdy persona yet with glasses… he’s mysterious, hero who doesn’t need the spotlight, sexy, yum really is my best word for him. I’ve loved him for 10 years, my ex used to refer to him as my boyfriend, lol… BUT, the show is ending mid May, after 10 years, I’ll need a new boyfriend :(

    Universe, please send me a tall, dark and handsome hero to sweep me off my feet. Thank you.
    Respectfully yours,
    Turquoise 3.

    Goodnight sirens.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:18pm

  680. 680: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #670 – “it could be just ONE MORE try away – you never know.”

    I know it’s true. What is hard is I’ve been telling myself that for years. :-(

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:20pm

  681. 681: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I waited yesterday evening. There was no trace of X. I sent him a text “I am afraid I havent heard from you yet”
    He sent a reply saying that “Will give the money in a week time. Is next wednesday okay with u?”
    This man does not respect my boundaries. He is not even decent enough to let me know that there is a week’s delay.
    Loneplum, I sent him the message u wrote. I didnt send him the entire message. I sent the last bit you suggested. I said
    “The hospital did not give me a delay. I had to pay fully and immediately. I found a solution. You can find one too. Get done with your debt fast. I want to eliminate the last reason to hear from you”


    I dont want to send him one more text or mail. I dont want to ask for money again.
    May be its a good idea to wait till next wednesday? ?
    This man will do things only the way he planned.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:22pm

  682. 682: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz, Jacqueline, fempower,
    I am feeling okay now.
    I was feeling angry the whole of last day.
    When we were in a realtionship he didnt respect me or my boundaries
    Now when i am out of it he does not respect.
    felt angry for some time.
    Then i cooked an elaborate dinner for myself and watched cricket.
    Now i am peaceful again
    Love and hugs

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:28pm

  683. 683: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Girls, I am feelin a lot less b1tchy, and I’m feeling grateful to this blog and all of you for that. So, thankya very mucha!

    I had an epiphany earlier about how passive aggressive I can be. and then my neck felt like it released something serious and I really feel that my close friend Stephanie is very mad at me. She maybe is just sick of how I can be passive aggressive. But I was sick of myself. Earlier, I really considered whether I maybe “bipolar” … though I think i’d prefer to not give myself some negative title. Or maybe I can recognize that I demonstrate bipolar behavior, and maybe I can develop skills to control it. I actually think that pot maybe the best way for me to treat it. But, if used improperly, it definitely makes things worse. Or maybe it’s just the “pain body” Eckhart Tolle described in a New Earth – a vampiric entity of pain that haunts every person, but some more than others. Maybe “bipolar” people have larger pain bodies that are more debilitating. It’s an obvious inconvenience, but I guess it is just potential goodness like I said to Kaitlyn.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:31pm

  684. 684: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I sent him that message.
    As you said it was not my nature to send such a stuff to anyone.
    But I felt it absolutely necessary that I take my power back.
    He does things only on his terms and conditions. I dont care about that anymore.
    But I wanted to feel the power within.
    And it felt powerful once i said it. At first he said 2 days,then 3 days and then one week. He didnt come up with a timeline. I had to ask him thrice.
    He kept changing the time.
    Well, i guess i dont have much to do about it now. But i am happy that I said it.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:39pm

  685. 685: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Kaitlyn, I think it really doesn’t matter about Adam. It sounds like you had one heck of an adventure. And just because the Paris thing tore you apart doesn’t mean that you aren’t both just burning with love for eachother and aching with regret, shame and fury. It sounds like those horrificly sad songs about love that are popular lately. All dramtic and uber painful. Maybe it would feel good to assume that he’s crazy about you. And he just wishes you would get to feeling fantastic about yourself so that you could feel worthy of him, so that he could have you.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:41pm

  686. 686: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    ha, reading my 681 i was totally in crazy mode. i guess it is crazy to stand back and analyze yourself. Staying in the moment is far scarier. But sometimes it is good to reflect. I dunno it feels creepy. LADIES! i suddenly feel urgent about letting you know (speaking of mirrors) how I’ve been researching the trends in pop culture lately, and I have discovered the possibility that Hollywood Stars are being brainwashed and that music videos are basically telling us all about it. I know that sounds super crazy, but I feel like it’s relevant as we look to the media to define feminity and other ideals. The more I look into it, the creepier it is and the more convinced I am of something very sinister behind pop culture. And I recently spent a day with 11 year old girls and they told me what it’s like to be targeted by pop culture – they are disturbed, wondering what the heck is going on. Because they see that what is “popular” is sick and twisted and not good for them. And their parents turn a blind eye by just turning the station and saying “eww that’s creepy.” Cause the girls were telling me how they still see that stuff, and they were wondering when someone was going to stand up and say “hey! this is wrong! we can’t let this happen anymore.” but parents just ignore it, they say. I was terrified to approach parents with the stuff I had found. I tried not to really breach the subject, and parents didn’t receive it well. It was like they were in denial. And they were very uncomfortable with how clear it was that their children were on a different page than they would ever choose to put them. and my question to them was – Who put them there? and why?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:50pm

  687. 687: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    ha, reading my 681 i was totally in crazy mode. i guess it is crazy to stand back and analyze yourself. Staying in the moment is far scarier. But sometimes it is good to reflect. I dunno it feels creepy. LADIES! i suddenly feel urgent about letting you know (speaking of mirrors) how I’ve been researching the trends in pop culture lately, and I have discovered the possibility that Hollywood Stars are being brainwashed and that music videos are basically telling us all about it

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:52pm

  688. 688: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I know that sounds super crazy, but I feel like it’s relevant as we look to the media to define feminity and other ideals. The more I look into it, the creepier it is and the more convinced I am of something very sinister behind pop culture. And I recently spent a day with 11 year old girls and they told me what it’s like to be targeted by pop culture – they are disturbed, wondering what the heck is going on. Because they see that what is “popular” is sick and twisted and not good for them. And their parents turn a blind eye by just turning the station and saying “eww that’s creepy.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:53pm

  689. 689: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I know that sounds super crazy, but I feel like it’s relevant as we look to the media to define feminity and other ideals. The more I look into it, the creepier it is and the more convinced I am of something very sinister behind pop culture.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:55pm

  690. 690: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Cause the girls were telling me how they still see that stuff, and they were wondering when someone was going to stand up and say “hey! this is wrong! we can’t let this happen anymore.”

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:56pm

  691. 691: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    but parents just ignore it, they say. I was terrified to approach parents with the stuff I had found. I tried not to really breach the subject, and parents didn’t receive it well. It was like they were in denial. And they were very uncomfortable with how clear it was that their children were on a different page than they would ever choose to put them. and my question to them was – Who put them there? and why?

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:57pm

  692. 692: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling totally paranoid about why Im in moderation. I feel like my 4th ammendment rights are bein violated. but maybe i’m violating some rule of Roris. Am I??

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:58pm

  693. 693: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    all I said was that it seems like there’s something very sinister behind pop culture

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 10:59pm

  694. 694: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so weird still taking up space..but i just can’t bare to go to bed without basking in the glow of how I danced tonight!!! Oh it was pretty glorious!! Some Lanquidiliscious Rumba!! It felt soooo good.
    And I went for a little run

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:23pm

  695. 695: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I hated every f$cking day I was in Paris and did my best to stay out when dude got home, just so our schedules never intersected. I also refused to eat, got really sick, refused to see a doctor, refused to bang him more than twice in that entire trip, and asked to be sent home a few days earlier than planned. I tried enjoying myself, but knowing I was losing Adam made me sick. There was no enjoying myself.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:49pm

  696. 696: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    “And just because the Paris thing tore you apart doesn’t mean that you aren’t both just burning with love for eachother and aching with regret, shame and fury. It sounds like those horrificly sad songs about love that are popular lately. All dramtic and uber painful. Maybe it would feel good to assume that he’s crazy about you. And he just wishes you would get to feeling fantastic about yourself so that you could feel worthy of him, so that he could have you.”

    Making myself feel fantastic is good advice. BUT deluding myself that he’s aching for me is just gonna make me do stupid things like email him or contact him.

    Wednesday, 20 April 2011 @ 11:58pm

  697. 697: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:03am

  698. 698: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty 437

    ***Napoleon was very charismatic. Hitler was Charismatic. Many of the most vile and evil leaders of our time were charismatic.
    I would say that the best leaders are not so much charismatic as respected on merit. In the military I knew many that fit both categories and often found that those who were followed because of their charisma were often the worst leaders. ***

    ****Napoleon – was of course a tyrant. A Hawk. he believed that all would be right in the world if everyone would just follow his lead and do anything and everything he said to do. This is also a very selfish type of leader. ****

    I don’t know why is Napoleon’s name put on the same scale as Hitler’s. Or why Napoleon is qualified as vile and evil.
    Or why he is called a tyrant. A tyrant is “a sovereign or other ruler who uses power oppressively or unjustly.”
    In this regard, I can’t see the difference between Napoleon and the kings ruling France before him and the English kings trying to take over France and all the European kings helping each other in trying to take over France.
    Well, I do see it. Napoleon ruled for the best interest of the french people. It was about time somebody did.

    Just in case bullying Napoleon is due to an innocent ignorance, I want to say Napoleon is the Father of the civil code.
    The code that rules equality, allows property, inheritance and so on, by citizens on an equal ground, regardless of their family background and of their race and religion and gender. It deletes old Roman and German laws, it deletes the Churches’ laws, it deletes the laws based on differences between ethnies, genders and religions.
    It makes education possible regardless of the family richness, it rules conditions of work , etc…, insures the same chance is given to each people, based on ability and knowledge, rather that on the family background and privileges.
    The code that insures peace and respect for different types of individualities within an heterogeneous group, such as a country.
    It was a first, back then.

    He forced people to register their names and their babies. People did not have written names back then. It was just on hear say.
    His code allows people to have legal papers about themselves, their families, their belongings and their skills.
    His code protects children lives.
    He promoted women’s rights too, and made divorce legal and fast. He made sure women’s rights would be protected in spite of being divorced. Which gave women a chance to re marry. Back then it was extraordinary to have a second chance, unless the husband had died and the widow was still protected by a rich family.

    He was a visionary and set the base for our world the way we know it today.

    Napoleon’s father died wile he was studying. He had to shorten his studies; He accepted the first thing he was offered by his mentors and it was a job in the army.
    Royalty around France all over Europe, was scared by the French revolution that took place before Napoleon started working.
    France was attacked by ALL its neighbors.
    The French royalty had begged their European cousins, Kings of the European countries surrounding France, to help them to stop the French revolution.
    The French royalty was beheaded by the French revolution, which carried on trying to improve the life of its people, but the European neighbors would not let it be.
    They did not want the French ideas of freedom and equality without Kings and Queens to spread around Europe. They fought against France for years and years to get rid of the revolution.
    The French Revolution was a cancer for the European Kings.
    France was the only country who was ruled for the people and by the people, and with the goal of an egalitarian society when war would end at last and the men could come back to work.
    The European kings were hoping to bankrupt France and starve the french people, keeping them at wars on all sides.
    When Napoleon started to work, France was in this situation, because of France neighbors who put it in this situation. Not because he was a tyrant.

    Napoleon fought back the outside enemy because the enemy was attacking.
    He tried hard to get rid of England, Austria, Russia off France’s back. And he signed treatises of peace. It was his goal.
    His goal was to allow France to stay free from the old type of leadership, that kept smart men from climbing the social ladder, kept the worker poor and kept women and children in the victim state, no matter what.

    He won in the long term. France laws are still based on The Napoleonic’s Civil Code, which is same as the Bills of Right in the USA.

    Napoleon is the one who said citizenship must over-rule religious belonging. And Jews are to be inserted in society just as Roman Catholic and Protestant, which were the majority back then in the countries he had influence upon.
    Thanks to him, lots of countries opened their ghettos up, back then, and allowed Jews to blossom and live out of the ghettos, as part of their countries. He accepted Muslims too, as long as they obeyed the French civil code and as long as they stopped hating non Muslim.
    His idea was that religious groups should NOT become a community that excludes the other communities. Everybody should become part of a same country and work for the freedom and blossom of that country. Religion is personal and must be respected but kept personal.

    His name was translated and taken by many Jews around the world who saw him as a savior.
    Back then, he was the first to open his society to everybody, with no sign of differences.
    It was too soon to name women in his government, but that is due to the mentality of the era he was living in. And also because the war Europe was fighting against France made his government a military government. Women themselves did not picture women as Generals and Captains, back then. Everything else he did was in advance of his era and aiming at the type of society like today’s USA and France.

    The Catholic Pope in Vatican did not want “his” Jews to be freed. The Jews in Vatican were forced to wear the yellow hat and the star on their cloth, like the prostitutes, to be differentiated from the “good” people.
    Napoleon freed the Jews in Italy.
    The Catholic Pope in Vatican and the Russian orthodox church said Napoleon was evil to treat Jews as equal to Catholics and called him “Antichrist”.
    A century later, Hitler made the Jews wear the yellow star to be differentiated from the ”good” people and the Pope in Vatican gave Hitler his support in his attempt to exterminate Jews from the planet.
    I can’t understand why Napoleon would ever be compared to Hitler.

    Napoleon did not blow down the Pope’s power, because he realized there would be a vacuum in the power games the Muslim were playing, among others. It was too soon to dismantle the christian power in spite of it preaching wars.
    But he did not believe in their religion, he was baptized catholic as a child, yet he was agnostic and believed all religions are equal and personal. He believed religions should be kept out of politics and power. Which was a first, back then.

    At some stage, Napoleon accepted to limit the french Jews into living in a limited area, but only to please Russia, long enough to make Russia convince England to sign a treaty of peace. It was a strategy for the sake of peace in Europe at last. Russia and England and all Europe and the whole world was as antisemitic as Hitler would be a century later.
    But very soon Napoleon gave to the Jews of France their french citizen rights.

    After England captured Napoleon and locked him up, they helped survivors of the royalty to get back on the French throne :(
    Children were not registered automatically anymore. Education was only for whom could afford it. Women could not divorce anymore, even when mistreated etc… Privileges over-ruled abilities again. France went backwards for several years.
    The royalty sent the Jews back into ghettos, murdered the thousands Muslims in France, and you know what happened when Hitler arrived.

    If Napoleon had been given a chance to finish his work, I doubt WWII would have seen the Jews extermination like we saw it happening.
    And women situation would have improved so much faster! And I don’t want to imagine how wonderful would have been the people education level! And all that it implies for peace.

    Napoleon was a hell of an alpha male, yes, and he was a law maker, a society organizer, and I can’t come over the surprise to see him put on the same scale as Hitler and close to the words “vile, evil”

    Napoleon was only a man of his time. He did what was done back then, but only better or else he would not be so famous.
    They attacked the country he worked for, he fought back and went on trying to hold the routes of the attackers for the future.
    He did ask for peace, but England Royalty and their cousins of Europe felt threatened by the freedom of the people of France.
    England Royalty was scared that the people of England would learn to govern themselves also.
    In the mean time, Napoleon freed Jews and minorities in the countries he went through and organized the society with his Napoleon Code, for the best interest of the people participating, children and women included. Which was a first, back then.

    He made mistakes typical of the era he lived in, and he also made a great job at promoting freedom, equality and fraternity that were new to the era he was living in.
    His soldiers followed him anywhere he said. They respected and trusted him in spite of his mistakes. They knew his heart. His fame survived the years from generation to generation into his soldiers families.
    I have yet to meet a man who would admit to have followed and respected Hitler. And God knows I have asked every single German man I have met. If you’d believe the German I met, none of them was in Germany during WWII, and none of their fathers either, they had no part in it. They don’t even know what I am speaking about. Which says it all.

    Napoleon times were times of wars. Every single country was at war, back then. A leader had to be the best at war, or else his people was exterminated by the enemy. It seems that Napoleon keeps being bullied through the generations, lol, for having been the best many years. Like if no other leader in Europe had participated in the wars he had to fight. Like if no other leader participated ever in the incessant wars along the centuries. Like if USA was not participating still today in murdering activities around the world in the name of a better life for the people who get killed.
    I feel awkward to speak of Napoleon on this blog.
    I don’t want to debate about wars on this blog. I don’t wish to take it further.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:09am

  699. 699: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I want to stay centered and rise above my fears and negative self talk. I want to control the only thing I can which is my perception of life.

    I want to trust in well-being.

    I want to see the silver lining in the clouds.
    I want to dance with life.

    I feel so relieved that I don’t have to force the sun to rise every morning, for my blood to pump. It all happens naturally because there is a force much bigger than me that keeps it all going.

    My only job is to stay balanced and to trust in the wisdom of life.

    Sometimes I feel so scared.

    Today has been a big challenge for me in trust. How do I trust when there is so much evidence that things are going wrong?

    Oh but there is so much evidence that things are right.

    I’m alive right now. That is a huge thing!
    I’m breathing through no conscious effort of my own.
    Oooo I feel a glimmer of joy bubbling up.
    And a smile
    a hint of laughter.
    Ahhh now my fear seems silly.
    I open my eyes and look around for evidence of what is right in my world.
    There is so much!
    Thank you to my inner wisdom. Thank you to my everpresent spark within. Thank you for this stress which caused me to slow down and take a look.

    I don’t know what the future will bring but in this moment I feel peace.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:14am

  700. 700: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    Fascinating read about Napoleon. Had no idea he had that much of an impact on modern French government.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:35am

  701. 701: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for all that you have given me.

    I want to see god in every person.
    I want to see wisdom in every mistake.
    I want to see that love drives everything.

    If it’s true that I create my reality by what I focus on then I want to focus on good because that’s what I want for the world.

    And I believe that the world is good even if I don’t understand the purpose of some things.

    I’m going to live my life and then pass on just like every other creature on this planet.

    I want to embrace every moment I have left in this body. What a gift to be alive.

    I want to feel awe for life. I want to feel a deep connection with all that is. I want to feel delighted by the evidence of magic around me. And this is all within my control.

    Yes I will have ups and downs. I want to retain my sense of wonder and trust even in the down times.

    When I don’t I feel hopeless.

    I’m tired of feeling hopeless.

    I want to let my light shine regardless of what anyone else thinks.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:38am

  702. 702: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mfff feeling attacked.

    No thank you I don’t want to ne talked to this way.


    Appreciating the positive intent and also

    Feeling mad

    Loving me and moving away

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:39am

  703. 703: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I feel scared of being optimistic because I think people will resent me for it. I feel afraid they will think I am stupid or not cool. How can you be happy? Can’t you see that everything is going wrong???

    Well, it’s the only choice I have left. Nothing else is working.

    So I’m choosing to feel happy even when it looks like all is lost because it is my only option left.

    And I am choosing to be happy simply because it feels good right now.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:45am

  704. 704: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m graceful in the way I set my boundaries.

    I feel angry when I feel judged and attacked.

    I feel happy to notice my triggers and give myself compassion.

    I am getting more of what I want and feeling proud of me.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:47am

  705. 705: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I want to feel in love with life

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:50am

  706. 706: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for shaving my legs.

    Thank you got changing my sheets.

    Thank you for starting the laundry .

    Thank you for feeding me.

    Thank you for mOving away from stuff that felt bad.

    Thank you for bathing me.

    Thank you for brushing my hair.

    Thank you for brushing my teeth.

    Thank you for taking me out for tacos and to Barnes and Noble.

    Thank you for putting on my warm clothes when I got cold.

    Thank you for doing eft, and ask n receive, and ho’oponopono
    And the stop sign tool and flipping.

    Thank you for doing Byron Katie.

    Thank you for stone rubbing my heels.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:54am

  707. 707: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I want to feel my inter-connectedness with everything. I want to deeply know that I am an integral part of something huge and great and wonderful that is beyond my full understanding. I want to feel peace deep within my body. I love that I can generate these feelings from within whenever I want.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 12:55am

  708. 708: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I can feel my body literally vibrating with life force energy.

    Thank you to my inner authority for showing me how I can create this from within.

    I love my scared little self. I hug her and kiss her. She is sweet and sensitive and does t understand the harshness of the world sometimes.

    I tell her that the harshness is just an illusion. I flip the light switch on so that she can see that the monsters are not real. They were merely a figment of her imagination.

    I will be there to remind her every time she gets scared. What a brave girl she was to come into this life with all it’s contrast and challenges knowing that she would temporarily forget who she was. What a brave brave soul.

    Now is the time for remembering that all is well. There is something much much bigger than is running the show.

    What a relief that is. It sure takes a lot of pressure off of my shoulders.

    The more I relax, the better life gets.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:02am

  709. 709: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I have wonderful gifts! Two interesting books!


    And sheets abd an iPod. And me, in bed. And not getting thrown off the pots by an angry man who I feel attacked by.


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:09am

  710. 710: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m am realizing that my greatest power lies in my ability to lift myself up in the face of adversity.

    My second greatest power would be to lift myself up and take myself to bed now. Soooo tired….

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:11am

  711. 711: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    LG @ 698
    “And I am choosing to be happy simply because it feels good right now.

    LG, I choose to feel happy too. : ) Sometimes I try to sabotage that and tell myself that I am ignoring the things that are wrong.

    Some discomfort is a good thing, because it motivates change and growth, but once I have recognised that, it is ok to go back to being happy while I try to make those changes in my life and my way of being. I have so much more energy to grow when I am happy.

    Some quotes on happiness from the Dali Lama

    “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

    “Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. “

    “Happiness is determined more by the state of one’s mind than by one’s external conditions, circumstances or events- at least once one’s basic survival needs are met. “

    “Happiness can be achieved through the systematic training of our hearts and minds, through reshaping our attitudes and outlook. “

    “As long as there is a lack of the inner discipline that brings calmness of mind, no matter what external facilities or conditions you have, they will never give you the feeling of joy and happiness that you are seeking. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality, a calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if you lack various external facilities that you would normally consider necessary for happiness, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life. “

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:12am

  712. 712: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    And a heater, and basecoat nailpolish.and people who got me smoke an chocolate cake tonight hoping I’ll cone thru.

    And the new so smooth gilete razor. And honey wax. And a great day for removing hair.

    Sandglass communicate w each other thru sounds that are too high pitched for humans to hear.

    I feel blessed w wisdom.

    My books are a renegade history of the us… About the outlaws of society the whores and delinquents.

    And the hidden reality about string theory.

    And I still have the soul of black folk which I liked mucho… Surprised .

    And some other books in my room like calculus textbook and a college reader on ethnicity and schools.

    Books of art from an Italian gallery and from Dali and from goddess cultures.

    And books on marijuanas benefits compared to alcohol.

    And a book on debt :/. From debt helper ppl. Judging myself.! Note to self.

    And a David Sedaris book and a book from the author of the last unicorn and Freakonomics book.

    Yay pleased.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:18am

  713. 713: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Last night I dreamt me and a whole bunch of people lived on a boat, and we had to I found put in some metal pants to survive a huge flood that was going to happen

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:20am

  714. 714: PseudonymousNo Gravatar says:

    RE: #447

    Wow! Really? There are not any places in your area where son can get his burger while the others can get pizza? We have scads of such culinary diverse places here. 😉

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:30am

  715. 715: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Did someone say houseboat? Lolz. nsfw link.


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:35am

  716. 716: EllaNo Gravatar says:


    re 674 which was aimed at Daria,

    Just to say this post really spoke to me too!

    However for me it is about my work.

    I see how I have been focusing on the frustration of what I have not got, rather than feeling good about what has been working and focusing on that.

    Time for some adjustment and appreciating what I do have!

    Thanks Tmizz.


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:50am

  717. 717: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella 484,

    Re this

    “I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”…so u can make peace with yourself…I would say it for 2 minutes…several times a day…

    I am sure you know this is ho’opono pono , Hawaiian healing ritual and part of Huna.

    This explains it.


    I do this often . I am particularly touched by the guy who did this while meditating about prisoners, murderers and the like , in Jail , and as he meditated these thoughts, their behaviour changed ..its a lovely feeling of peace.

    I do it for those I have wronged and those who have wronged me , and just for myself , TO myself…

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 1:58am

  718. 718: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda Hi,

    I hope you get this.

    I know we don’t tend to give advice here and yet I really need to express how I feel about this.

    I feel really worried about that guy coming to your house.

    I have a bad feeling about it.

    I see you not trusting your boundaries because you feel lonely and I feel afraid for your safety with a man who so far has shown you that he is not good at accepting No as an answer.

    ‘He promised to behave’… sorry but that means nothing at this stage IMO.

    You don’t know this guy and people can say anything, even the ones that can be a threat to us can present themselves in a positive light to gain our trust.

    I feel unsafe.


    What do you think?


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 2:10am

  719. 719: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Evening Update ..

    Meemee?? How are you ??

    FemininePower , Ella ,Daria, Brenda, Lucy ..
    all doing so much and great to read comments this week.

    I am looking forward to a bit more me time this Easter, somewhere between the relatives visiting and hosting lots of people .

    I have CD’s who would love to see me too but I have given over my time to family pretty much.

    Got through yesterdays bad taste in the mouth re first ever BF , 35 years later , and feeling used and played.

    I have realised that I set myself up to be used and played. I knew his ex and he were not really finished despite everything he SAID , he just did not stop all contact. I hoped he would walk away from her and we could take up where we left off 35 years ago..

    I felt cared for , I felt special when he courted me with words and great dates , i felt renewed somehow, and I allowed myself to be blinded to the red flags . I let him in by staying open, but i listened to his words that he was done with her. i did not pay enough attention to his actions or to SOMETHING.

    I trusted him with a 35 year old trust and I did not remain critical enough. The day after I surrendered my trust and allowed myself to believe we were “courting” as he termed it, he started new negotiations with his ex re their MARRIAGE..

    I am struggling with this one. How do i stay open and give men a chance ? What did I miss here?
    I feel like shutting down.

    BUT I have 2 really good other CD’s .
    AND 2 more interested men, GOOD men . Is there something wrong with me as the first BF suggested?

    He spied on me on this blog and i changed my ID twice since then ..he made some nasty comment, “I hope you are happy CD’ing ” after I told him I felt angry that he had led me on and that I was not the spare sandwich in the pack!!!!

    I dont care if he reads here now. He might learn something about respect a womans feelings.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 2:16am

  720. 720: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda re 651

    Didn’t see this before I posted!

    Hon YAY!!!!!!

    Yay for you – you have just taken a HUGE babystep.

    I feel excited.

    You said NO to what you don’t want and trusted your boundaries.

    I feel so happy… now you are making space for what you do want and you are raising your worth…

    You have stopped taking crumbs.

    Wooohoooo for Brenda the Super Siren.
    If it was me I would dress up nice, take myself out someewhere were there was music I loved, and then head home and buy myself a bottle of my favourite sparkly wine and order some healthy but delicious food!

    Just me but either way I feel so happy for you.

    It comes across like your vibe is truly shifting!



    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 2:17am

  721. 721: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    ##########repeat ########

    Can I use paypal? As I have no credit card but interest in the e book.


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 2:18am

  722. 722: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda , you are amazing!

    I love that you have these interactions now..I love that you have OPTIONS!

    I love that you are exercising your options!

    I know for me this “stage” is familiar ..

    After the options are identified you can feel amazing about yourself having CHOICES ,and you get to give them the thumbs down ..

    Then the quality of the choices mysteriously increases!!!

    and then you suddenly find lots more options are coming at you from everywhere :) :) :)

    Go Brenda!!!!!

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 2:58am

  723. 723: RosaNo Gravatar says:

    Speaking of OPTIONS ,my options include a solid , charming, wealthy 53 year old marketing senior executive and a 46 year old endocrinologist who seems to appreciate a 5 year older woman!

    There is also a 58 year old senior vet surgeon who is LD but in town this weekend and another nice guy 2 years younger who has identical car to me , and so too the last THREE cars also identical :) This seems to have impressed him greatly.

    I am seeing them and being warm and open and trusting the universe to show me the way..the doc is standing out , we have very much in common…

    I will keep you updated !

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 3:05am

  724. 724: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    679 + 682 Meemee

    OK, let’s hope you keep feeling the power.
    With time, it sometimes weakens and we are pulled towards telling him again.
    Do not contact him again.
    It would take the power away. Keep the energy for yourself, you need it to move on.

    He has nothing to criticize in your words. You did not call him names, you did not label him with adjective, you did not judge him, you respected yourself. You stated facts and your wish to get done.
    He can’t admit such a truth, yet he can’t deny the truth. So he keeps silent. He does not like it.
    You switched the vibes. It is now you who feel in a hurry to stop having to deal with him.
    His type of personality must feel upset about a lover not wanting him at all anymore.
    In his mind, he is the one supposed to not want you.
    He must be wondering how on hearth it is possible for Meemee to be in a hurry to not hear from him anymore.
    He is expecting you to text him next week. He is 100% sure you will text him if he does not text back. Don’t text him ever again.

    On your side, you respected yourself. He got you in troubles, you found the solution on your own. You are independent, efficient and reliable. You don’t let people get you in troubles, you act fast.
    You said it clearly in your last message.
    You sounded energetic and above him when you said “get it done fast, I want to eliminate the last reason to hear from you.” It sounds powerful. Bravo! It was an adios message, to which he has nothing to say, really. You took the lead of the adios back into your hands.
    No matter the outcome, you win.

    Try to not count the days and do not text him again.
    Don’t expect his answer, pretty please. I don’t know how to explain that, but there is a way to feel life, you put off for later, the thinking of his answer. All in all, when you remember to worry about his answer, a week has already gone bye. You take it from there and do it again, and you get de-intoxicated. You end up not wanting to know any more. You end up FEELING it is you who told him to leave you alone so you can forget. You feel you got the calm at last that you were longing for. You feel you got what you wanted.
    You end up truly relieved from the negative expectations with negatives vibes and the draining of the bad communication with him. You FEEL you never liked it in the first place. You will laugh some day, wondering why on earth you insisted in keeping such a bad communication with a man who brings you nothing but frustrations and pains.
    You win peace if he never writes back.

    If he writes again, well you get your money (maybe)

    I met guys like him in Mexico. They say one hour and they meet you 3 hours later.
    You are in such a state, you won’t laugh at his inconsistency, you will feel he owns your time.
    It would get you to start the work all over again.
    So, better not to give him a chance to play with your nerves if he ever texts back.
    Do not move again to help him in anything. Do not accept to meet him to receive the money.
    If he wants to pay, let him find the way to pay without putting you at work again.
    Let him go all the way to you to pay.
    Tell him to put the money in an envelope and to slip it under your door. (DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE HOME. You’ve been there already.) If your mail box is safe, then tell him in the mail box. Or to bring it to your office where you do your research. Let him walk around town to bring it to you in the envelope.
    This way, you don’t have to wait for him. You will be studying all day long in your research place, he can arrive any time, it won’t make a difference for you. He puts the envelope on the corner of a desk and he leaves. You don’t have to stop doing what you are doing. It is up to you, according to what you feel when he shows up.

    Can’t he use internet to put the money from his bank account to yours?
    Can’t he physically go to your bank and put money in your bank account, directly at the desk?


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 3:19am

  725. 725: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:


    don’t give him any bank account info. is there a way he can western union it or cashier’s check to your work address?

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 3:52am

  726. 726: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, your story has moved me very much. And, like many others here, I guess, I would LOVE to see it leading to a happy end. Now, sry if I go out on a limb now, with being judgmental and giving advice, and with being painfully honest. But imho there may be a still a chance for you both, and I want to point that out. See, imho simply using Rori’s tools won’t be enough to get him back. As I see it, from my male view, the hurt is too deep on his side, and it will take extraordinary measures to make him seriously interested in connecting with you again. This simply isn’t one of the typical situations that Rori covers.

    After reading what you wrote (and correct me pls if I get something wrong, my memory ain’t that good), one idea popped up in my mind: “Actions speak louder than words”. Rosa just wrote something very similar in #714, seeing that her ex’ nice words didn’t really correlate w/ his actions. And imho Adam is at this point now, too. I think I can relate to him, because I’m very liberal and forgiving, too, and so I think I can understand what went through his mind. I maybe totally wrong, of course, so pls take this w/ a grain of salt.

    Well, ok, he fell in love with you, despite your “background”, and he believed you that your feelings for him were real. And so he forgave you a lot of really hurtful actions, as you have told us. But Paris was finally the last straw, the deed that broke the camel’s back. As you explained, he tried to focus on his tolerant side, pushing all his negative feelings about your actions aside. And he struggled with his fears about not being able to offer enough for you. His love for you enabled him to overcome these emotions time and again. But in the end, he couldn’t manage to cope with you “selling out” for a touristic adventure. That was simply too much for him, you really crossed the last boundary with this.

    Probably this made him come to the conclusion that you’ll never really change, that this would happen time and again. And that changed his feelings toward you, making him pull away, despite the love still still not being dead. Obviously, he doesn’t hate you, but he seems to be in full self protection mode now, not allowing you to get to close to him. Even a simple gift is too much under these circumstances.

    Now, from what you wrote here, we can see that you really learned a lesson from this, and that you’re torturing yourself with the memory of your grave, shameful betrayal. But no amount of leaning forward with words will bring him back. As I see it, he simply doesn’t believe what you say anymore (he prolly doesn’t see you as lying, but as not being honest to yourself about your desires). So, the only way to convince him you really learned a lesson and changed your ways! And this has to be real, coming from within you. You won’t be able to play a role every single day in a LTR.

    Those actions shouldn’t be directed towards him, that would only look as inauthentic now (and would be too much leaning forward). Imho you should rather try to show to your surroundings, including common friends you have with Adam, that you departed from being driven by materialistic desires. To make him believe that there really was a turnaround, you have to act in a way that is totally out of sync with your materialistic self.

    Something like putting your talents at work for a non profit organisation, investing time and efforts without looking for returns. But keep the old saying in mind “do good and talk about it”! Without bragging of course, but let your friends and the rest of the world know that you had a traumatic experience that changed your character. With the hope that Adam hears from other people “did you hear about Kaytlin? She seems to be a totally different person now!”. This may trigger him in a positive way, so that he takes a new look at you, from a different perspective.

    Just an idea, and I dunno if it would really work. Of course, the more reasonable way would be to “get over it” and look for someone else. But, damn, I believe in miracles, and I also believe we shouldn’t give up before we tried everything in our might. Anyway, whatever you do to cope with the situation, I’m crossing fingers for you, Kaytlin!

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 4:39am

  727. 727: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, SORRY for misspelling your name twice, Kaitlyn! That’s what I meant with saying my memory ain’t that good. :-( And I also apologize if my comment was hurting you. But I didn’t see a way to make the point without being honest about how your actions may look to the other side. Sorry!

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 4:50am

  728. 728: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks. That was very insightful.
    Thanks thanks
    Three things
    First, I really dont feel like forgetting about the money if he does not pay. I want him to pay. I know there is no way i can make him pay. But still
    Secondly, I really dont want to reveal my bank details to him.
    Thirdly,he is also doing research where i am doing my phd. Both of us were employed in the same institute. Now i quit the job. And I stopped going to library. He is still there. Whether I like it or not I will have to see him till i finish my research. But since i quit my job, i dont have to see him the way i used to. But at a minimal level, if I choose to go to my department, I will see him. That is not an issue. But I dont have an office where I can ask him to come. It is his office too.

    So i dont think how to get that money from him. I moved to a new house. I have not revealed my new address. I dont want him to know my new house either.

    I dont want to meet him, hundred percent.
    But I dont know how to get the money from him.

    You are right. I dont know why, it feels somewhat unresolved that i still havent got the money. But the more I try to put an end to it by settling all accounts, the more he postpones it for reasons I dont know (I dont want to know either.)

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 5:24am

  729. 729: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rusty and Lurker (but I would also appreciate ANY siren insight…)

    Perhaps I need a man’s perspective…

    Readers digest version:

    My husband and I have been having troubles in our marriage. We recently moved to a new place as my husband started a new job out of university. He works late a lot and sometimes on the weekends. Until recently (YAY!) I had been unemployed… so needless to say I was feeling lonely and abandoned and like he didn’t have much time for me. When he is at home, he often zones out on his computer for hours and I’m left feeling even more lonely. As a result, I think I became a bit needy, because I was grieving the loss of quality time. I’m SO working on this though.

    I’ve been leaning back, doing things for myself and being less demanding of him. It has definitely started to work as I notice that he’s more attentive and loving lately. I’ve also started to make an effort to praise and acknowledge him for all the good things he does. I’ve also been speaking in feeling messages and being careful not to blame or criticize.

    One thing that’s not really improving though… our sexual relationship has been terrible since he started working last spring. We used to have sex AT LEAST once a week, but now its more like once or twice a month. I often feel rejected and he shows little interest in me. I’m a size 2, in great shape, and have a pretty face and beautiful eyes. I really don’t think it’s my appearance… but I just don’t understand. I read so much about how important sex is to a man, and this just makes my heart ache, because it makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. What do you guys think? What’s going on here?

    He claims I’m not obvious enough when I try to initiate, but I feel like this is an excuse. It would feel incredibly ridiculous to have to say “I want sex.” Does it seriously have to be that obvious? What would you two consider a clear signal that your woman was interested? If I try to touch him, he will move my hand away. He doesn’t notice if I’m wearing something sexy. He declines offers to have a shower with me. What WOULD be clear?

    We had sex on the weekend, a big yay! But I’ve since been rejected a couple times. I feel like I can’t talk to him about this. I try to use feeling messages, but he still responds negatively. This morning I got a “nothing is ever good enough!” I feel this is unfair because I have really been consciously trying to affirm him and complement him. I appreciate and love him, but sex is important to me. Is it really too much to ask to want to have a sexual relationship with my husband? Ugh. This feels terrible.

    Do either of you have any advice or perspective for me? I’m just hurting and confused.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 5:45am

  730. 730: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee, I don’t have any additional advice about how to deal with your ex, afaics everything has already been said. But I want to give a word of encouragement: I’m really impressed by the thoughtful, reasonable manner in which you cope with this sad issue. Despite all those invetable bad feelings, you don’t let emotions carry you away, and instead show a great responsibility for yourself. You rock, girl!

    I’m sure other men see or will see this in you, too: A great partner who is both very desirably female and very reliable. And I am sure, in a few years you will be in a long term relationship, probably married, and you will be able to look back at this tragic episode as a challenge which made you stronger. So, don’t let this drag you down or distract you from moving on. Focus on what’s ahead now, and see that the future looks bright for the great woman that you are!

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 5:56am

  731. 731: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Meemee 723

    can you open a paypal account?
    If so, when the account is sorted out, you send him the paypal account with no comments.

    You said he was winning times until it gets him to the day he gets his salary. That could well be it.


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 5:56am

  732. 732: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I am curious, for those of you who are into astrology, has anyone ever noticed that any one sign is more romantic, or loyal, or generous?

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 5:57am

  733. 733: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 721 Lurker I like your idea there. It would have to be her doing it for herself, to create her new identity. It is a good idea to try to see if it something that lights her up and create a happy life for herself. The side effect is that the Universe will find a way to share the new kaitlyn with everyone in her past and present so that the message is clear. I guess she could chose to share with mutual friends on fb what she is doing. IMHO really brilliant idea to convince hereself.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:17am

  734. 734: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz Re 674:

    “Maybe you are focusing too much on the fact that you are not getting it? It’s like with the law of attraction. You think you are focusing on what you want, but in fact, you are putting all your attention on the fact that you don’t have it. So you end up attracting more of the lack, not the thing you want.”

    This spoke to me too! An interesting thought… So how to turn it around?

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:18am

  735. 735: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 716 sophie it is not clear what you are asking about. If you want to buy product you can email melanie@coachrori.com to ask whatever question you have. It is not that people are ignoring I didn’t exactly understand what you were asking and I guess it is the same for others.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:18am

  736. 736: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I have heard Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God and the suggestion in it is that you will continue to create an experience of wanting if you focus on saying I want. The suggestion there and from Louise Haye is to say something that your mind can accept such as “I am ready for….”. or “my ……….is on its way”. Rori has also suggested writing our stories as if we are writing from the future. It is in a post somewhere, I have to look for it.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:23am

  737. 737: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #727 Jeannette: As a down to earth (well, mostly) tech guy, I’m not that into astrology. However, I strongly believe that Cancer is the sign that almost guarantees that a guy is romantic, loyal and generous!

    {ironic} Of course, this judgment isn’t influenced at all by coincidential facts, like, say, my birthday. Noooo! {/ironic}

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:24am

  738. 738: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette different people read different things and come away with different feelings about them. I would suggest looking at loveisinthestars.com though she suggests that astrology is not the most important aspect of creating true love.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:26am

  739. 739: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    What a way to start my morning…lol blogging about “oral sex” lol

    Okay…Jacqueline, not all middle Eastern countries are “Arabs”…a large community is Persian (Turkey, Iran)…

    I know it is offensive to call an Arab Persian and viceversa…

    I dated both…and without going into details, when they are into u…they will do whatever to please u…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:28am

  740. 740: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:


    Hello :) How is your Daddy doing?


    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:28am

  741. 741: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Loneplum thanks for asking. He is back in the hospital two nights now. He woke up Tuesday with tightness in the chest, and difficulty breathing. His feet has been swollen since the surgery so they knew his body was retaining fluids, seem it increased. They have changed the heart medication and been draining fluids since he was readmitted. He is now 10 lbs lighter. Overall he is visibly a lot stronger, he is eating heartily and his spirit is good. He is moving around on his own and generally seems stronger than 2 weeks ago even though he was having difficulty breathing. They currently have him on oxygen also. Thanks again for asking.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:34am

  742. 742: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:


    It feels good to see u posting more often these days and we got our “Rosa” back :)

    Yes, I know about ho’opono pono…Sometimes I don’t have the time to get too descriptive…I posted more about it on a different blog :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:34am

  743. 743: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: #616

    U said :”“I hate being here. I hate the mistake I made coming here. I hate every fiber of my being. I failed myself. This is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I hate knowing I’ll have to let another man touch my body even if that’s all he will touch. I want no part of sharing myself with anyone other than you. I wish you were here. I need you to hold me. I feel like I want to die. I am seriously considering getting the f#ck out of here.”

    I felt deeply touched reading it; I felt your truth…thank u

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:47am

  744. 744: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    From A CCarter email
    1. Use Your Intuition

    Listening to your intuition is NOT unique advice. I get that.

    Lots of women use their intuition in one way or another.

    But here’s what IS powerful…

    Learning to turn your intuition on so that it’s there for you when you need it…and taking the right meaning out of what it tells you.

    To use your intuition, you need to get into the habit of consciously asking yourself the direct questions that you want answers to.

    Do this at the beginning of the day…and then go on.

    This “primes” your subconscious mind to process your question.

    But, be VERY CAREFUL. What you ask is what your mind will pay attention to.

    So, let me be clear: you want to ask POSITIVE QUESTIONS that direct your mind to finding CONSTRUCTIVE clues, meanings, and outcomes for you.

    In other words, if you want to understand more about what’s going on with the guy you’re dating…DO NOT ask,

    “Why doesn’t he like me as much as I like him?”

    The entire context of this question, and the beliefs behind it, are NEGATIVE and destructive.

    Instead, ask:

    “Is he interested in the kind of relationship that I want?”


    “Is there something going on for him personally that is keeping him from being able to be present with me or being emotionally involved?”

    See the difference?

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:48am

  745. 745: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininepower #736:

    Wow…Gosh, I feel sad and worried hearing about your dad…:(

    Big warm hugs,

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:48am

  746. 746: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #717 – Thanks for the encouragement. It doesn’t feel like I have options, but yea, my standards for a man are higher than ever.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:52am

  747. 747: FemininepowerNo Gravatar says:

    RE 740 Truthfully DE I am not worried. I have seen him worst and really seems strong despite this current setback.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:54am

  748. 748: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #715 – Thank you! Yeah, I think my vibe is shifting.

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:54am

  749. 749: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    LG, I love your positive feelings. I feel that way too. I feel really open and receptive to feeling my feelings, good and bad. Yes, I want to feel happy but I am willing to feel unhappy/bad/sad. I just want to feel what I feel!

    I listened to a Byron Katie video yesterday (can’t find it just now) about love and being heartbroken. When someone expressed feeling sadness over heartbreak, she invited them to consider that they were visiting with that person in their mind right then and experiencing that love all over again. She asked them to consider if the “sadness” they felt was really love. And what a gift to experience it again whenever we want. She said (and I agree): I never want to get over love. How often I fight this… wanting to “get over” him.

    I’ve been practicing this (experiencing love again, visiting with old loves in my mind). It is really funny because when I do, the tears come. I wonder if that’s why we started calling this memory of love sadness… because of the tears. Makes the “sadness” beautiful. It’s just love.

    Hmm… uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes my brain will only take me so far with Katie’s stuff. Like right now I want to stop. So I am. 😉

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:55am

  750. 750: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Re: #663 – You said, “Brenda – the inner child date – from Orna – I had for Muself healed my loneliness. And it was just One date so far.”

    Wow, that’s fantastic! I’ll have to check her out!

    Thursday, 21 April 2011 @ 6:59am

  751. 751: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, thanks for the trust showing in asking us guys for advice. Sadly, I don’t think I have a magic recipe to offer. Because I’ve read some news reports recently about scientifical studies that show that a high workload really reduces the sex drive. All around the world, the stressful demands of work result in countless folks being too tired at night to have any naughty thoughts. So, IF (and you seem to have no reason to believe this ain’t true) your hubby is too exhausted from his job, this is a major problem.

    However, I have some ideas that you could try to at least improve the situation. Firstly, it seems