Here’s something that happens all the time – man dates you, then out of nowhere stops calling or otherwise drifts away, then you run into him, have a chat, he tells you his sad story and asks you out again.
You’re mad, you’re attracted, you’re worried, and you don’t know what to say…
Here’s a letter from Lauren (you know I often make up names – so if you discover Lauren is you, perhaps you’ll let us know and we can talk more…)
“Help! I feel completely lost on what I should do.
A guy I had been dating for 6 months disappeared on me in June. I did not contact him at all. He saw me at a function earlier this week. I was leaning way back. He came over to talk to me and began telling me about 3 major issues he had been dealing with for the last four months. He didn’t actually apologize to me – he only explained his situation. I listened to him at level 2. I felt very at ease and confident.
He then asked me out for this weekend. (I really do feel that I want to go.) I said, “yes, that would feel great…” but just as I was also about to tell him how disrespected I felt last summer, our conversation was interrupted by someone and I didn’t get to finish my feelings speech. He just said, “I’ll call you to confirm the time.”
I don’t know what to do. Do I finish my speech when he calls to confirm the time? Do I wait until he picks me up for the date? Do I wait until he takes me home? Do I not bring it up at all at this point and just keep leaning way back and give it time? Should I even go out now? I don’t know.
I felt so disrespected and rejected last June. It took me a few months to heal from that. I’m ok now, but I still feel the need to let him know how I felt by his behavior. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Btw, I have been Circular Dating, so I don’t feel hung up on this guy. Lauren”
Here’s my answer:
Lauren…First – write down what it is you want to express to him. Make it a speech and memorize it.
If you were NOT exclusively with him by verbal CONTRACT – then you were just dating him, and he had NO DUTY to inform you he wasn’t going to call you again. He wasn’t trying to hurt you, he just drifted away.
If you WERE exclusive with him by verbal contract, now you know better (great for you to be Circular Dating and not hung up on this guy…), and so by just asking yourself “Why was I there exclusively?” and exploring your answers…you can lessen your anger and frustration at him and at yourself, too, and just see what’s “up” with him.
I would share with him how weird it felt, and expect him to say – “Well, then why didn’t you call me?”
Have your speech ready – do NOT go with “hurt” – but with “confusing” and “weird” and do NOT make him responsible for how you felt — just share what it FELT LIKE.
You may not even like him much once you’re with him, and the speech may have a whole different emotion behind it than what you planned…so practice expressing how you feel in the moment.
This is going to be GREAT practice!