When a man is continually, constantly, never-endingly disappointing you and hurting you and neglecting you and treating you badly…the answer is to ask yourself “Why am I here?”
Terry is in this exact situation…
“Rori, Here’s my story: Had horrible marriage to porn-addicted jerk for 12 years (six kids). Got divorced. Had several “train-wreck” relationships with guys. The common element was that they felt free to hurt me, dump me, avoid me, play me, and lie to me. They would say they loved me but their actions would prove otherwise. A little over a year ago, I met “Steve” doing community theater.
We hit it off immediately.
His story: He got his first girlfriend pregnant and dropped out after one year of high school to support her (shotgun wedding at age 16). She has threatened suicide and infanticide after each of their two older children (17 and 13). She has been very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to him. He has stayed “to protect the kids.” They had another baby a month ago.
He has a lot of feminine energy and I have a lot of masculine energy. He says he loves me but our relationship has deteriorated steadily since a big fight three weeks ago (my insecurity reared up), and he is giving very mixed signals and doing almost nothing in the relationship (not that he ever took initiative a lot, but now he won’t even sit in my car with me for 5 minutes). He works, goes to school online, and takes care of the baby all night too.
What do I do? Terry”
Here’s my big(and loud) answer:
Terry – You’re not going to like this…
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!
You are becoming emotionally involved with a man who is still with his mentally unbalanced wife and just had a baby a month ago!!!
Does this sound like a smart move? We all here say NO!!
Drop this “friendship” completely. Right now. Stop.
What you need to work on is your “masculine energy.”
It’s great to be a boy when you’re making money and shepherding projects – completely a losing way to go in love.
If you want to stop the train-wreck – work on yourself with Circular Dating so you don’t get hung up on or involved in any deep way with ANY man – until you can see the difference in the quality of men that show up.
This is so horrible, Terry, I almost thought for a minute you’d made your story up, to challenge me. (I contacted Terry personally, and she assured me the story is true…)
I want you to hear this tough, tough love that no one else has apparently ever cared enough about you to deliver. Hate me for this, that’s okay, but please hear me.
(Oh – get Toxic Men if you can – it will turn you around quickly, and give you some power Tools to use to save yourself this minute.)
So…what more can we learn from this?
Okay, Terry’s situation is extreme. Just reading her letter – we can’t imagine how she could think this was somehow “okay.” That this man in this situation is somehow even remotely entitled to ANY of her energy at all – much less her love, devotion, attention and worry.
And Terry seems to be immune to seeing that she is humiliating herself. (5 minutes in a car with a man is somehow acceptable enough to want to see him again?)
Let’s go back to basics.
There are basic requirements for even DATING a man. He must be available. He can’t be married (even if he’s separated, he has to be actually divorced). He can’t be gay, unless either sex is something you never want to have, or you’re willing to have a “best-friends-and-have-sex-with-others” agreement.
He can’t be in jail, or be on trial for felony or something that could put him in jail. He can’t be an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or a gambling addict, or a porn addict (or any kind of addict). He can’t be a deadbeat dad or have no income, home, or means of support. He can’t live off his ex-wife.
These things aren’t games, strategies, or “rules.” This is common sense.
So what happens to us women when we “fall in love”? Do we lose our common sense? Do we lose our perspective on reality? Do we put the feelings we feel that we identify as “love” ahead of everything else and then pay the price later?
And the answer is…yes. We do.
It might not be as extreme for us as for Terry – but most of us have humiliated ourselves and ignored reality almost as badly as Terry is. I certainly have. And I know that part of my wanting to yell at Terry “What are you doing?” is me yelling at myself for hitching myself to a man who never had an intention of loving me long ago. Many men.
What was I doing?
In fact – What is Jennifer Aniston doing? What are half the people we know doing?
Does love make us crazy?
No. it’s not LOVE that makes us crazy – it’s whatever it is we feel inside ourselves that calls the impulse to throw ourselves under the bus for what we feel – “love.”
But it’s not love.
It’s not love for ourselves, because we would notice that we don’t feel good in this situation. So it CAN’T be love for ourselves.
And it can’t be love for a man, either, because if you don’t love yourself, there’s no way you can love another person – you won’t know what love IS – and that’s most of us at some time in our lives.
What is happening here that what we CALL love is a feeling we’ve felt before, in our families, in our world as children, that others called love. It was a necessity. As children, we had to love and believe we were loved – so whatever came at us – we called that love. And now, when we feel that same thing coming at us – no matter how BAD it feels, we call that love. Even when the something coming at us is actually – nothing at all.
And before we can even recognize it and call it something…we feel triggered ourselves…and that feeling we feel we call love, because it’s the feeling we know that’s been labeled “love.”
The feeling that another woman might label “fear” – it might be the feeling that we label “love.”
The feeling that another woman might label “pain” – that might be the feeling that we label “love.”
It’s all so close there down in the Soup of our emotions. We might feel “yearning” and, from our experience, call that “love.”
We might feel “passion,” and from our experience, or even the movies, we could call that “love.”
We know what it feels like to care for someone. To worry about what happens to them and wish them well. We recognize that as love when we feel it…but it somehow doesn’t translate into a romantic relationship. Our care for another person somehow get’s all tangled up in our “need.”
Our past gets tangled up with our present, and we “mislabel” our feelings.
So – to make this simple – to cure this problem – all it takes is to rediscover your feelings.
When you feel fear, call it fear, and don’t let your fear of losing love get labeled as “love.”
When you feel anger, call it anger, and don’t let your anger at a man get labeled as “love” for him.
When you feel passion and sexual chemistry, call it passion and sex, and don’t let your passion get labeled as “love.”
Love is actually different for everyone. We experience it differently, and we feel it differently. And love going out of us to a man feels different than love coming into us from him.
And there’s the connection I want to make. And the questions I’d love for you to weigh in on:
Can you LOVE a man who does not treat you with “care”?
Is love a feeling, or is it an “action” word? – is it enough to feel love, whatever that feels like to you…or do you have to DO something with that feeling in order for actually to BE love?
Can you love someone who doesn’t love you back?
Can you love someone in a different WAY than someone loves you…and still call that “love”?
Let me know what you feel about this…and share please your own stories, as I do, about how you’ve recovered from being a masculine-only one-way faucet of love going out to a man, and become a lovely feminine cup that receives and experiences love flowing from yourself, and love a man gives to you.
Love from me to you…Rori