Here’s a letter from “Elena,” who’s enduring a relationship situation that’s actually quite common, though it seems extreme.
It’s about “waiting” for a man, holding “rules” about sex and relationship that aren’t working (in my thinking, at least) – and making a decision about a man who’s “on the fence” in so many ways…
“Rori, I have been in a relationship for 2 years that was heading towards marriage. I really didn’t love my guy first and he was the one chasing me. it took him a lot of work to get me. He treated me like a queen. I said that I don’t wanna sleep with him until we get married and he agreed. But lately, he started doubting his feelings for me and telling me that he doesn’t know if he loves me or he is just attracted to me physically.
He, later admitted that he slept with somebody and that he couldn’t help it. He begged me to forgive him and asked me to be his wife. After just 2 months, he started making comments about the way I dress and that he feels jealous when other guys stare at me as I wear tight clothes or shorts! We disputed about this issue and again he started showing reluctance towards marriage, saying that he is worried that we won’t get along!!! And he stopped calling me for 12 days now!!! I’m really fed up! I love him, though and I don’t know what to do. Any advice will be very helpful, thanks…Elena”
Here’s My Answer:
2 years is a very long time.
You must get with the Circular Dating program (since you’re not having sex, you won’t have any difficulties with it).
And – for me, it is not useful to be in a relationship 2 years without sex.
It causes all kinds of weirdness. It makes the sex way too important.
For him to wait this long without sex is weird for him.
He sounds immature, and the fact that there is no sex is just taking up too much room in his head. Your physical attractiveness is becoming too big a thing.
There is no easy solution here.
If you sleep with him, chances are he’ll pull away and you’ll feel bad.
If you keep going like this – it won’t just simply get better.
Sex is part of relationship – and, in my experience – if you’re a grown woman “waiting until marriage” to have sex is a useless position to take.
I realize there are cultural and religious issues here – and though I want to be respectful of them, in my experience, most of the time, grownups who VOLUNTARILY CHOOSE to hold these kinds of rigid positions around sex actually have mental, psychological, and often sexual orientation issues around sex, too.
And men who have issues around sex end up being very challenging in other ways as well.
For a man – being good in bed and sexually mature is essentially about understanding women a bit, loving women, loving women’s bodies, and wanting touch and physical connection.
For a man who’s in love, sex is essentially a way of expressing that love.
If he’s not in love, it’s still a way of communicating and connecting – just not in the way you want.
Most men are not so callous and addicted as to view sex or even experience it as a physical release only – like other physical functions.
Most men would certainly NOT be interested in having sex with a woman a second time unless there was more in it for him than the physical. She would have to make him feel good in some way (okay – her being amazing in bed might be enough to make him keep coming back…but even that would wear off for him).
It would be WAY easier for a man to pay for sex and have no emotional connection than to take you out to dinner, woo you into bed, and have sex with you, and then abuse you by leaving or giving you the “friends” speech.
No matter what – he’s looking for SOME kind of human connection and human touch.
Or he’s too toxic for you to even consider seeing again.
A grown man who’ll stay close to you and (mostly) exclusive for 2 years without sex is a man with issues – especially if he knows marrying you would give him the sex.
I would love for you to consider all this, and see what your position about sex is getting you. Is it helping you find the kind of man you want? Is waiting 2 years a good plan?
Please read about Circular Dating here on the blog – opening your world and your heart up to other men can’t do anything but help you.