“Rori, I am so grateful to have found this treasure trove of useful advice and happy to report that applying what I have learned is completely and totally working for me with my partner, my soulmate and best friend, of nearly eight years!
For the very first time, last night a problem that had been eating me for years was addressed in a way that was so deeply satisfying to me that I am going to keep using these tools forever.
All I had to do was use feeling messages, lean back with an open heart, and keep an eye on my triggers and do the opposite of what wasn’t working. It worked like a charm and this man is a total emotional clam!
My SO is currently having an episode of situational and probably deep-seated depression due to many factors going on his life now. I’m doing my best to make it better by encouraging him to take a lot of time off from work when I get a job.
I’m deeply and securely in love with him and therefore I touch him and communicate to him often, but find he has not been reciprocating as much. I would say I have definitely been guilty of overfunctioning, and he agreed and expressed guilt for not being able to take any more initiative in the relationship at this time.
He told me that when his emotional numbness runs its course that he would be more than happy to work on pursuing me more and making me feel wanted. I’m not prepared to keep giving and giving while feeling like its depleting me and not getting me the results I want with him (being more attentive and romantic).
My question for Rori and other community members is what I can do to help him get to that point without reverting back to overfunctioning mode. I miss his “presence” in the relationship so much.
Should I act like a mother and begin actively trying to heal him, or let him do the work himself and just wait?
Thank you. Meg”
Meg – The word “mothering” is the death knell of a romantic relationship.
If you go with nurturing, helping, advising, encouraging, mothering – basically paying ANY attention to his state of mind and “assisting” him – you can only do damage.
The way to fix this is the opposite of what we all instinctively feel would be “best.”
Do NOTHING – but take care of YOU!!
If you create a happy, vibrant, fun life for yourself, and radiate that energy without paying ANY attention at ALL to his state of mind – that’s when he’ll snap out of it.
Get out of YOUR mind, get busy with new things (as exotic, sensational, mind-blowing, scary and weird as possible – like acting classes, Toastmasters, flying planes, climbing walls…) and he’ll follow.
He’ll just gravitate toward you.
As long as he feels your focus on HIM, or that you’re damping down your life while you’re waiting for HIM, he’ll stay right where he is.