I just got a letter from Elise basically saying about this about her husband…
“Rori, He didn’t pay attention to me…we argued…he said he wasn’t a good husband and I deserved better, then he slept in the other room…I hate him. I deserve better. I am just upset Rori…I feel my husband is so selfish…he’s so in love with his friends…. I’m depressed and confused and needy. Elise”
Okay- I know if I could talk with both Elise and her husband – that would be best – but since we only have Elise to work with…I’m going to talk directly to her:
Elise, you’re going to have to make a choice.
Either you’re going to mentally and emotionally stay with this marriage and work through this rough time in the most creative and great way possible – or you’re going to bail and divorce him.
There is no middle place here – pick one.
I vote for you to try to salvage the marriage.
The first thing you need to tackle is your ” needy and depressed and confused.”
This is because you have no emotional, fulfilling life outside the marriage – and that’s where you have to go first.
Look – if you were to leave him, you’d still have to do that, right?
So start NOW!!!!
Make plans, do things, volunteer!!!!
Get happier no matter WHAT he does.
Then start talking to him the way we’re working on.
Elise – this is a huge change in the way you’ve been running your life.
I can’t imagine you want to bail on this – not with kids…
I KNOW my methods work – you just have to really GET what we’re doing here and throw yourself into it BIG TIME.
Caring what he does is only making things worse.
If my husband’s family came into town – I would EXPECT him to spend ALL his time with them, and that I’d better find something else to do.
This work is a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute practice…and that’s how this is going to change…
His answer is that of a defeated man who believes he can never make you happy. Either that’s true or not. I say NOT.
You may be right – he might be selfish and narcissistic…AND – the cure for that is for you to work on the part of you that has those components (and we ALL do) AND –
Thank you so much for all your loving words to me about our work together – and I wonder – what would your husband do if you felt that way, and said those kinds of things to HIM?
Like: “You are amazing”
Are there parts and qualities of him that you DO honestly feel are amazing? Focus on those…
I totally get this…even my husband can be clueless – and it’s my job to clue him in, and his job to hear me…and that’s something both people have to learn to do…
He may be in love with his friends – and I don’t think that would bother you if you felt he was in love with you…
And I know how that feels – we all do.
The place to start is ALWAYS – Are you in love with YOU?
AND to do whatever it takes to get to that place.