“Rori, My ex husband and I are reconciling. After 5 years he finally convinced me to give us another try. The reason we divorced was due to a lot of reasons with being young but the main one was trust. He was only away from me for a month when he started looking elsewhere for attention. After reading your ebook, I realized what things that definitely pushed him away.
During our reconciliation, we have talked a lot. I have made it clear about my expectations and what I don’t want to happen. I told him that if he feels he needs to talk to another woman, he needs to tell me so we can end things on a respectful note.
Well, we’ve been reconciling for 5 months now. At the beginning he was very affectionate and “into” me. Then he started taking anti-anxiety medication and since then has been very “off.” He still puts his hand on me every once in awhile and kisses me every day.
It feels very much like a friend relationship. He does drink every night (he says he can’t sleep without it) and its usually when he’s drunk when he reaches out to me intimately. At the beginning it was not like this. Recently, I have caught him looking at porn and looking at “hookup” websites (He does not know I know this). We still are not sexually intimate much (even though he mentions that he does want a child soon). The passion is missing. He hardly flirts with me anymore.
But his excuses are that he’s just having trouble finding a sex drive. He also uses the sex drive issue not to flirt with me (even though I’ve seen him be very capable of flirting). I have even found myself turning “off” because I do not want to force myself on him. We talk a lot about random things but have a hard time talking about our relationship.
And again, the last thing I want is to enforce “where’s our relationship going?” I’m beginning to worry if he’s reverting back to his old ways and I do not know how to approach what I know. Nor do I know how to approach these issues. I want a sex life. I want to be complimented. I want to be loved passionately.
He knows I am a catch because he wouldn’t have spent the last 5 years off and on trying to get me back. His whole family loves me and were all disappointed in him for losing me the first time. I do not want to be “the girl who gets away” anymore. I want to be the girl who is loved and he is IN love. My biggest issue though is the searching elsewhere.
Two months ago, we were at a wedding and he expressed that he knows I’m the one who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, He said he loves me with all his heart. Now, he’s saying things like, “whoever I marry will have to put up a great deal because I’m not easy to handle” and “I love you but I don’t want to rush into anything.”
I feel like I am doing the opposite of what I use to do… What I use to do was cry and complain and attack. Now, I just shut down and “talk” about it to my friends. I don’t want to deal with trust issues again. I want to feel like I’m able to confidently walk around not worrying he’s looking elsewhere.
Please help me find the right words so I can get this off my chest!
Thank you so much,
“Confused” – there’s so much I could say about how to “build safety” in this relationship and open channels, and bring the spark back – and….why in heaven’s name would you WANT to?
You don’t sound needy or desperate – so why would you want to put up with all of this?
The question isn’t “What do I do with this man to get him the way I want him to be…” it’s, Am I coming from a place inside that not only believes love is supposed to be this hard, but actively PURSUES this kind of “challenge”?
The question to ask yourself is: Have you ever been attracted to a man who seems “normal”?
And by normal, I mean…
A man who doesn’t need medication for his mental state – or has his medication so controlled that he can be “steady” and forthright.
A man who can talk first and cheat later – not the reverse.
A man who doesn’t contribute to avoiding emotional and physical intimacy any way possible – and instead INSISTS on both.
A man who likes you, loves you, and doesn’t change his mind every day.
A man who doesn’t choose porn over a real woman.
The question is – what are you doing with a man who is not making you happy?
On his second chance with you?
I hope you’re Circular Dating while you’re dating him, and want to say “brava” for saying that you’re a “catch”!
Now – please actually BELIEVE that you are and treat yourself as you deserve.