What You Don’t Love About Yourself Triggers You

Here’s a letter about one of my favorite topics – how working with what triggers us can change our lives almost overnight…

I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “Go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale by the way…

So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people make comments about it, etc.

So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?” I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

Then, my dad said, “we bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.”

Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows I’m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

I have actually started letting this go in the past year. I’ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like I’m the devil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part.

Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he can’t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

“All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.” I’ve been trying to do this without much success. It’s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I don’t want to be like that.

My Answer:

Sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good.

In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

I get triggered just as much as anyone.

The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

889 Comments to “What You Don’t Love About Yourself Triggers You”

1: Femininewoman says:

Triggers

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:35am
2: Femininewoman says:

RG

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:37am
3: Femininewoman says:

“people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good”.

Wonder how it applies to feeling “unsafe”?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:39am
4: Emerson says:

I see that the solution is to love myself more but that’s hard sometimes…I realize I’m very affected by my family’s approval and I need a lot of encouragement from others … If I did not need that, what would my life be like?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:52am
5: Femininewoman says:

“Working on yourself has the marvelous outcome of making your triggering experiences less painful and reactionary, and more – well – funny, actually.
When I catch myself going somewhere and talking with someone (especially my husband) and suddenly, internally go to a perception that I’m not being “acknowledged” or “respected” or feeling “second class” in some way – I now can “get” – almost instantly – that my need for approval and to be “superior” and “appreciated” is being triggered.
I notice my body tense up, my face takes on a different feel, and I want to go into some version of defense mode. And I notice that that “defense” mode becomes centered on ME – but NOT in the way we want to focus on ourselves here. My stored up rage and fear has been activated, and whoever is with me at that moment becomes the SOURCE of bad feelings – even if he or she is NOT responsible for that.
What we’re doing here is learning to FEEL to GET – to TRUST – that WE are the Source of all this. And then we can feel for and have compassion for ourselves, and then that moves to a deep ability to feel for and have compassion for others, and then everything flows and all the barriers come down, we all open up…..yeah…
A person can trigger you and still be a fantastic person. That’s why the concept of “The Messenger.” The Messenger is anyone who brings you a message about yourself that can HELP you get a bead on how you operate inside, how you react to being triggered – and that can teach you how to SEPARATE out that “triggering” from your perception of that person.”

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:55am
6: siren song says:

i feel super-bummed today. i feel so lonely. i feel a big knot in my throat. i feel scared i will never find another man who loves me. i feel scared that i am this sad over a man who doesn’t want a life with me anymore. ugh. at least now i know i will never lean forward with him again.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:03am
7: Francesca says:

(((siren song)))

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:09am
8: Pamelala says:

Oh, I just had this happen this weekend. I was helping my best friend move to a new home and got triggered by one of her friends who I experienced non-relational, task oriented and conceited.

Immediately, I started making things up about her in my head that weren’t, actually, about her…they were about me. I started telling myself,

She thinks she better than you.
She’s lifting heaving things and you are lifting light things (due to a bad back) and she thinks you’re lazy.
She’s fit and you are fat. She thinks you are ridiculous.

I labeled her, in my head, as a b*atch and just stayed away from her…totally missing the opportunity to discover what it is that draws my very intuitive, creative, and sensitive friend to this woman. There must be something I wasn’t seeing…but I didn’t pursue that because of all the things I made up.

Finally, I had to remove myself from the situation and took myself into the woods to love and nurture myself a bit. Obviously, I was carrying some horrible NVs and this woman was the conduit for bringing them into the light.

I’m sure she could sense my in-the-moment disdain and feel like it might be wise to contact her ask her out to coffee and see if she’d be willing to process this with me…I’d love to know how she experienced me in response to how I was experiencing her.

Hmmmm…stuff to work on! Just like Rori said, whenever I assign negative motives to others (judgement, condescention, neglect) it is, actually, me doing that to myself…not them.

Good stuff, Rori!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:17am
9: Pamelala says:

I’m feeling fearful and sad…in two days, I’m leaving on vacation for two and a half weeks. This is a good thing and I know I’ll have a blast with friends and family and lots of self-nurture time, but I’m in the midst of the burgeoning relationship with KMan and I’m worried about what will happen in my absence…

Will absence make the heart grow fonder?
or
Will I be out of sight and out of mind?

Time will tell and I don’t want to MAKE something happen by creating any drama or by keeping in constant contact with him. I am going to try to be present with my days and let him pursue me when he feels like it….but, oh, I will miss him.

I would feel cared for and connected if he would call me every night to say goodnight…”Good night, Love. May you have beautiful dreams.”…That’s what he tells me…that’s what I want to hear when I am 2,000 miles away. Is it too forward leaning to let him know that a goodnight phone call would make me feel special?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:36am
10: Femininewoman says:

Seems like when we get triggered we go into our “default position” whatever our defense stance is.

Tracey says:
I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this “default position” that’s all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what’s he thinking? why doesn’t he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on…. I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?!
I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can’t be much fun.
I’m going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to “BE” in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I’m so worried I’ll scare him away!

Rori Raye says:
Tracey – you’ve got it. It’s what’s going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:37am
11: Pamelala says:

So, this post makes me ask, “Why is my upcoming trip triggering fear?”

I think it’s a couple of things.
a) my fundamental belief that I am forgettable and unloveable
b) past history with an ex that indulged his sex addiction any time I wasn’t in his presence
c) my longing to feel special and fear that what I’m feeling with KMan now won’t last.

Hmmm, I need to figure out a tool to heal this…perhaps some tapping will help. Yup. That’s what I’m going to do.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:42am
12: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so angry today. at myself. at my parents. I’ve simultaneously neglected and indulged myself, just like my parents did for me. I feel so angry. It’s like some aspects of myself get spoiled, while other aspects get neglected, and I just feel so angry…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:53am
13: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel resentful. I feel like I’ve always depended on my parents advice to make decisions (you’re supposed to do that when you’re young, but when you’re older?)

Like, I wanted to take a vacation, but somehow let my parents talk me into going home and working at their camp for under-privaledged youth.

and while I used to love doing that, I haven’t been in years, and I feel like I don’t even know the kids and they don’t know me, and what’s the point?

I feel so angry.

I feel like the under-privaledged at this camp got more attention than I ever did growing up. I feel like they know my Dad more than I do.

It makes me feel so guilty and selfish and angry. Like, I’m sitting here crying. I should be over this, but the little girl inside me is so angry and confused.

Like, in some ways I was spoiled but in other ways I was neglected.

Like, I was neglected in being shown discipline.

It feels so good when people get angry at me…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:00am
14: Emoticon says:

trigggersss

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:25am
15: sunflower says:

I am feeling triggered today by this email I received from a CD. Have been practicing feeling messages on every man I date, and on him too-
I feel so..good to hear from you…:)
I feel drawn to your the way you write., I feel attracted to that humour.
And then I felt angry at something he said..and expressed anger, and how it felt in my body, and this feeling of being turned off- All about me..maybe intensely..(it felt intense),but careful about the 4 rules.

And guess what- sometime passes, and now he opens up to share his own feeling messages-

Mr X feelt afraid of my ‘emotional reaction’ ( read my saying I feel anger….), and he feels not on the same page when I make flirtatious comments ( read, I feel attracted to your humour/pic in the profile etc- which I was feeling anyways and expressing happily) …But he felt not comfortable reponding in the same vein, and felt like clamping up.

Feeling confuse how to respond to this. It feelt icky and embarassing to read it first..like a man telling you coming on too strong, and then I feelt arrogant and wanted to tell him off, or better, not respond at all… And then I felt curious about a man who is expressing feelings honestly, and I felt I want learn how to accept/listen to negative feelings directed towards me, and the message it has. And I feel a question within me, like wondering if my expressing flirtatious feeling comes across as coming on too strong.. like leaning forward? I feel curious to know if feeling messages working here..making him open up honestly (and it is fine to be negative)..or are feeling messages backfiring..or maybe I am messing up somewhere…i don’t know. I need help..:)

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:50am
16: sunflower says:

Rori..I am learning from your works how to express feelings. But how does on listen to Feeling Message when they come our way..more so when they are about not good feelings?? Would love to hear you on that. Thanks.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:57am
17: Femininewoman says:

sunflower I would say the push is a result of your response masculine energy feeling (to him)

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:22am
18: Love Actually says:

I am feeling soooo triggered right now!
My 14 year old just flipped out on me and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

He said “you have NEVER listened to me my whole life!”

AGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:27am
19: Love Actually says:

I feel so sad.

I try so hard to listen and understand, so much so that I am learning now to listen only when it is not depleting for me.

This hurts so much to hear from him.
I could just lay on the floor and sob.

I guess I have given myself away in this respect and maybe that’s why it stings so much.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:29am
20: Love Actually says:

This all following on the heels of SR calling me last night.

I had missed his call on Saturday night and didn’t really feel like calling him back yesterday, so I didn’t.

After speaking for a few minutes, I realized that he was drunk and I just said I don’t want to talk to you when you are drunk, I feel uncomfortable.

He said OK, Bye.

I went to bed to read and I heard the phone ring a little later, so I knew that he had called back.

I felt pretty good about having ended the call and not picking up after that.

This morning I woke up to two pathetic messages from him.

The first he said, “I’ve decided that I’m not coming back” He had told me this past week that he was heading back to England for 5 days for some training that he needs for his business in anticipation of a delivery of stock that is due to arrive from the UK in July.

The next message was just “Please pick up, Please.”

I feel dizzy.
I feel tight in my chest.
I feel so so sad.
I feel mad at myself that I feel so sad.

I know this relationship is going NOWHERE and yet, it seems from my reaction, that I was still holding out hope somewhere in me.
I feel angry with him, he basically told me he needed space so he could focus on this business, which he sees as his LAST CHANCE to make something of himself.

His partners have invested a ton of money and the stock is on a boat somewhere on its way here – what will they do with it if he is not here.

I feel so so angry with him.

Oh, I feel a little bit better expressing how angry I am with him.

I feel like calling him back and I’m afraid it won’t go well because I am so angry and he is so full of self pity is my guess.

Any ideas would be most appreciated on how to incorporate feeling messages if/when I speak to him.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:35am
21: Love Actually says:

I think
“How dare he bail on me and then bail on the business, which was supposedly so important that he gave me up for it!!!”

I feel rage.
I feel ewwwwww, ick, yuck, blech!
I feel a little more room in my chest.
I feel nauseous.
I feel afraid.
I feel a little tingly in my legs and hips.
I feel anxious.
I feel tight in my throat and neck.

I feel a little worried that this is just drama on his part because he had a disagreement with his partners – yick! blech!

I don’t want to be drawn in by the drama.
I want to feel free and at ease and trusting
I want to feel relaxed and comfortable.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:40am
22: Love Actually says:

I feel angry that he is giving up on the business, because I also invested a lot of time and energy to help him get the foundations laid for it!!!!

How dare he!!!!

I know that I made those decision all on my own and am totally, 100% responsible for all the energy I invested and right now I feel totally p!ssed!!!!!!!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:42am
23: Brandylion says:

Daria, from the last thread:

How do you keep phone calls to 10 minutes? I have found that it usually takes several minutes to get a conversation going, so that would leave not a lot of time to actually talk (which I realize is the point, to help maintain mystery and get a man to have to see me in person to get to know me). I just don’t know how to end a call gracefully after just a few minutes so it doesn’t feel abrupt to both of us.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:59am
24: Love Actually says:

Ack! I just talked to him and sure enough he is coming back to do some training here.

AGGGGGG, DRAMA!

I said ‘so you are just giving up on the business’
He said ‘i am giving it to you’ yeck, yick, blech

I said ‘that is not the question i asked you’

He said ‘i just can’t do with it, it is too much stress, it’s making me ill’
‘you never called me all weekend, its just nice to talk with someone’

I said ‘well why did you only call me at 8 on saturday night, why didn’t you call me on friday night or any time saturday or sunday during the day’

I said ‘I feel angry that you bailed on me because the business was so busy and important to you and now you are bailing on that’

He said ‘i need to go away, i need to go to a retreat or something’ ‘i am struggling’

I said ‘you need to go into detox or something, I feel so frustrated you are right back where you were, you pretend everything is ok and blam, right back to square one’

He said ‘i don’t really want to talk about this now, i want to talk face to face’

I said ‘i have heard that one before’ ‘what is it you want to talk about face to face’

He said he had to go. Big surprise. He has probably been drunk since Friday. Which is totally his stress response.

I feel grossed out.
I feel icky, yucky, yucky.
I feel angry.
I feel a little bit of relief he is coming back.
I feel icky that I feel relief he is coming back. WTF!!!!!!

I don’t know if i want to see him face to face, i feel afraid it might just re-trigger all the sadness in me.

I have heard it all before. I don’t need to hear any more words about what he is doing, thinks he is doing, might do.

He runs away. Period. That is how he handles his life. Period.

Why oh why do I care so much about him??????

I will focus on why this is so triggering for me, what is it that is in me about this that i need to love up.

i want to be more important than the business.
I want to be important enough to be worthy of being loved.

I am important enough to be worthy of being loved.
I love me! There is lots that I love about me!
There is lots that I feel a little insecure about me – I don’t seem to be ‘normal’ I am naive in soooooo many respects.

This makes me laugh. I don’t want to be normal if it means that I make choices I am uncomfortable about or unhappy about or make me unhealthy.

I am learning so much, so less naive all the time.

Oh my god, I have only ever had two grown up (said with a grain of salt) relationships, EVER. No wonder I am naive. LOL!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:03am
25: ReceivingGirl says:

@3 FW I feel it is directly related to feeling unsafe with that person.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:03am
26: Love Actually says:

I feel so very grateful to be able to vent here.
xxoo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:04am
27: Love Actually says:

I don’t even feel bad that I wasn’t very Sireny.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:05am
28: ReceivingGirl says:

@9 Pamelala

In my experience, if he wants to be there, absence will make the heart grow fonder. If that’s the case, I would bet you will hear from him. Go and have fun and try not to worry about this.

xoxo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:09am
29: Tereana says:

I wonder if “love” to yourself could include just noticing that you don’t like this thing about you, and go from there. Seems better and easier than trying to pretend you like something you don’t. That feels like “covering up” and “hiding.” maybe in order to love everything about ourselves, we don’t actually have to *like* everything about ourselves.

Thoughts?….

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:20am
30: Emoticon says:

Tereana, true but what if its more like a “its not good or bad, it just is what it is” type of attitude.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:23am
31: ReceivingGirl says:

@15 Do you sirens noticed after a while your guys start using feeling messages because they hear you do it so often?

Mr. Observant started using smilies and when I said, I feel all smiley, he said, as do I. It wasn’t exactly a feeling message, but I feel he will be soon.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:25am
32: ReceivingGirl says:

Rori, I feel honored you posted a thread about my triggers. Thank you.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:26am
33: Love Actually says:

29: Tereana

Could it be just loving that we are human and come with all that that entails – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Learning to love our weak points as edges to grow from, or learning to accept who we are by changing how we view that thing, what ever it is.

I judge my naivety as something that is ‘bad’ or negative or weak, I like to make decisions with lots of information, so I tend to delay making decisions and this isn’t always good either.

I wonder if I could also view my naivety as sweet or endearing, like I might if it was a quality in someone else.

It is what it is. I have had the experiences that I have had and this is where I am. I still have lots of life to live and maybe I am just like everyone else – I know some stuff and I don’t know other stuff. I imagine, given all that there is to know, I will go to my grave not knowing a whole lot of things…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:27am
34: Emoticon says:

RG yup… i have a CD who mostly communicates wit me using smileys mow

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:27am
35: Love Actually says:

31: ReceivingGirl

I have noticed this too. I wondered if that was feminine energy when men started to do this too?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:29am
36: sunflower says:

Thankyou femininewoman. that feels helpful, and I feel it maybe true..
And right now, I feel maybe it is better when men disappear for a while, and we don’t chase them and just leanback – and when they comeback, the energy balance corrects itself.
Feels so embarassing to pushed back… I don’t know what to say ;(. What do say? I am feeling so tempted to drop this CD….

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:30am
37: Tam says:

@31, yes I have noticed that. Well, I got a ‘I feel rejected’ once and ‘this feels good’ a lot of times, actually, I’d never have paid too much attention to it but now it sticks out…I am not sure if it was copying my feeling messages or whether they’d have said it anyway…maybe a bit of both.

I’ve decided to let go of the drama in my life..and not even count the days NC anymore. I just want drama and people who create drama out of my life.
I tried with feeling messages and everything, and he came and then he left and now he is peeved that I get on with my life. I don’t need that. I would like my friends and relationships people and CD’s to be happy for me and not just think of themselves and ‘mess me about’. So there. Goodbye MrU, goodbye Drama.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:30am
38: Iamabutterfly says:

wow, a lot of issues on the blog today. lots of negative feelings. I wonder if there’s something going on astrologically? I don’t really believe in that stuff…but it still feels curious…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:30am
39: Slippin' Goddess says:

Oh lordy.. I should have known it wouldn’t have been that simple..

Ok.. since he’s gone to work I’ve had a barrage of texts questioning my trust. He obviously checked my facebook earlier and found a man had messaged me saying 10/10. I stupidly split second replied 10/10?? and then realised what it meant. Left it there.

Now he’s going on like I’m the most untrustworthy person ever. I act all sweet and innocent but I know what I’m doing, attention seeking etc.

Ohhh I feel drained. He suggested getting a new facebook and I said Yeh, saves alot of headaches, you get one too.

Then he writes completely out the blue and not like him at all.. “What have been your goals and still are?”

I said I didn’t understand.

He replied “Tell me what your goals are or have been”

I replied “Good career, earn money, nice house, nice car, have a family.. Why?”

“Just thought I’d ask” (So unlike him, what is going on ? Seriously..)

“What are yours?”

“Mine are one at a time and 1st is getting us on holiday”

and then carried on with the angry, trust msgs.. argh

He’s acting so strange.. Why does he leave all this till he goes to work through text. Why didn’t he talk earlier? It’s so annoying.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:32am
40: ReceivingGirl says:

@20 Love Actually

Wow, this must be a shocker for you. I would let him do most of the talking and take it from there.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:35am
41: Emoticon says:

Slippin Goddess WTF

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:37am
42: Slippin' Goddess says:

and he keeps writing my full first name in the messages. What is that all about? haha It’s not like him.

“So do I (SG)”
“I’m not though am I (SG)”

What’s happened to my guy.. First crying, now texts about the future.. Trust etc..

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:37am
43: ReceivingGirl says:

@29 & 30 Tereana & Emoticon

These triggers for me have a lot to do with boundaries as well. I don’t have good boundaries with my parents and I don’t like that about myself. I don’t feel comfortable being my authentic self around my family. This causes me to clam up, instead of doing what I should be doing. They complain I don’t tell them things and I don’t because I don’t want to.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:39am
44: ReceivingGirl says:

@35 Love Actually

I actually think it’s a good thing. They are mirroring us because they are attracted to us? What do you think?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:41am
45: Calypso says:

Hi Sirens – I have missed the blog while I was away. I had a long business trip and then some personal drama and now I feel behind on everything that has been going on with all of you!

I’m still CD’ing with POF guys, but have been seeing a lot of one particular man and this weekend he texted me asking if it was ok with me if he changed his FB relationship status and tagged me . . . WHAT? NO!!! Yikes! I do not want a “relationship” with him . . . ugh.

This is my fault. I have spent too much time with him and of course slept with him . . . BUT, he never acted like it was “Love” or like he needed a relationship of any kind – we never talked about “Feelings”.

Now I am going to have to tell him something. I replied to his text that I would rather wait and talk about it in person. The truth is, I’d rather stop seeing him right now than have him think, much less announce that we are in a relationship.

I’m just now getting good a being single! The only person i would consider giving that up for would be GM – if he suddenly came to his senses and wanted to committ to me.

I hate huring people’s feelings . . . I feel bad already and am dreading my conversation with RL from POF…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:41am
46: Love Actually says:

40: ReceivingGirl

Thanks for this. I really needed to hear this. I tend to talk, talk, talk…

The more I think about it, the more I think that he is just going to extremes in his own head and likely he hasn’t even talked to his partners about this, and likely it will settle down and he will carry on struggling rather than actually doing anything to learn anything new…sigh.

I need to keep learning to distance myself, so I don’t get pulled in.

i feel calmer now and I feel happy that the after effects are not lasting as long and I feel pretty clear headed – whether my assumptions are right or wrong don’t really matter. This relationship is really a matter of convenience for him. I am a soft place for him to fall when he needs an ear or an ego stroke (although, I am mostly just so annoyed with him and so not sure he is getting any ego boost). I will never sleep with him again as that just totally messes me up.

I don’t think anything I get in return from this relationship at the moment is anything that is really healthy for me…maybe plugging into my unhealthy need to be needed or helpful or listen or help, or my inability to let go 100%. yick, yuck blech!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:41am
47: Slippin' Goddess says:

41: Emoticon says:

Slippin Goddess WTF

My thoughts exactly.. hahaha I don’t know why I’m laughing.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:42am
48: Love Actually says:

44: ReceivingGirl

Maybe that’s it. I mean, I like to know how a man feels. I think its healthy for all of us to be in touch with that – then the trick is to communicate it in ways that are healthy and have the most likely chance to actually be heard by the other party. LOL! This is where I often fall down.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:43am
49: Dominique says:

Sunflower – #16 – You listen, really, really listen, and you can say, “thank you. (thank you for sharing this with me. thank you for telling me this.” and that’s all. If you have a more specific scenario in mind which seems not to fit in with what I suggested, would you feel open to sharing here?

xxoo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:46am
50: Love Actually says:

39: Slippin’ Goddess

I think I remember you posting that he said he was worried that he could make you happy…

Is it possible he is just exploring if you are on the same page as well as dealing with his own insecurities about himself (as in the trust issues)?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:46am
51: Brandylion says:

Sirens, I have a question and I feel embarrassed to ask. I’ve never dated a man that I wasn’t exclusive with, so in both relationships we progressed very rapidly in the physical realm, though one of the relationships did not involve intercourse.

When you are CDing in the sense of actually going on regular dates with several men, but none have asked you about exclusivity, how much physical intimacy do you engage in with them?

Like, do you stop at a French kiss outside your door at the end of a date? Do you spend time alone at his place or yours? Do you stop at light petting? Heavy petting?

Not like it’s an issue right now with zero men in my life, but I personally am inclined to stop at kisses at my door. (I will have to see how well I can actually put that into practice if I ever actually date again.) Once a man and I have agreed upon sexual exclusivity (which for me comes with general exclusivity), then we can just go for it and we don’t have to deal with the frustration of getting each other all hot and bothered from making out and then stopping. Or is getting each other hot and bothered but stopping, say, before clothes come off part of forging a connection and building anticipation? What do you all think?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:47am
52: Tereana says:

Brandylion – I don’t know how Daria does it, but you’d be amazed at how much you can say in even just one minute! Lol. It’s a lot more than you think (I know, because I used to have a job transcribing interviews, lol. People can talk fast!)

I think the point is not to “get into” a conversation on the phone – but to be chatty and friendly, and to the point. The point is to make a date to see each other in person. Do that, get off the phone, and then save the “conversation” for date night.

At least, I think that’s what she’s getting at…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:47am
53: ReceivingGirl says:

@38 Lamabutterfly

http://astrograph.com

Read Current Configurations, June 19th. I just got this in my email. Also, venus is retrograde until the 27th so they say love is slow and it’s not a good time to begin relationships while venus is retro.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:48am
54: ReceivingGirl says:

@45 (((Calypso))) Yes, it is hard when you know you are going to hurt someone’s feelings, but it’s better to say it now than have him get deeper feelings.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:52am
55: Emoticon says:

RG

My mom and I had a relationship just like you and your’s until the day I was really stressed out and she kept askin me questions and telling me what im doing is not the Christian thing so i finally told her IM NOT CHRISTIAN ANYMORE. and from that day ive been able to tell her anything, cuz i couldnt think of anything i could tell her that could disappoint her more. LOL

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:54am
56: ReceivingGirl says:

@46 Love Actually

Yes, and if you feel you are just a soft place to land for him, than I think even more reason to let him do all the talking. No need to worry your pretty little head over it!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:55am
57: Love Actually says:

I feel a bit worried about my own motives here…

I am feeling hopeful still on some level about this man, uggg!

He says he wants to give me this business and that feels like a bit of a trap to me. I don’t know ANYTHING about the products or the industry and neither do his partners – its his connections and knowledge and skills that will make this a go.

I don’t want the business, yet I hear the voices in my head playing out conversations like.

‘if you go and get some help to get healthy then i will try my best with the business’ I feel icky at this thought, like I want to use it to bribe him to get well. yick, yuck, blechy!

And my ugly controlling self wants to jump on this ‘opportunity’. Hah! I feel mad at this part of myself.

I feel a little tenderness too. Of course she wants desperately for him to be well. She still wants him. She likes to say that she only really cares that he is well for himself, but really, she wants him to be well for her. I feel sad about this.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:55am
58: Slippin' Goddess says:

50: Love Actually

I guess you could be right. I’m so confused by his behaviour at the moment. Wouldn’t men be much easier to deal with if we could only read their minds!!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:56am
59: ReceivingGirl says:

@48 Love Actually

I agree. Also, I know that I mirror the men I am attracted to and like. I always have.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:56am
60: ReceivingGirl says:

@50 SG

I agree with Love Actually. I think this is all about his insecurities and feeling he’s not enough to keep you happy and fears you will find some other guy who will.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:58am
61: Tam says:

@51, yeah about the physical stuff…I don’t know either. When I start kissing someone and I like them, after the third date or so it is almost difficult for me not to engage in anything when it is initiated, but then I never have many CD’s just usually one, and another couple that I don’t feel like being intimate with, so I really don’t know.
Like now, with Bald CD it ferels good but having sex too early on tends to ruin relationships for me, so I don’t know if I should wait…but there is lots of physical attraction all of a sudden (I did not fancy him at all at first, funny)…so it will be difficult to stop?
Hmmm

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:59am
62: Love Actually says:

45: Calypso

I feel excited to read that you know what you want and that you are clear that you want to date and have fun.

I feel sad to read ‘This is my fault. I have spent too much time with him and of course slept with him ‘. I don’t think its your fault…spending time with someone and even sleeping with them doesn’t equal a relationship unless both parties agree to it.

It is hard if someone elses feelings get hurt. I don’t think this is your fault either. He may have made assumptions of his own. I feel glad that he is checking in with you about it so you have the opportunity to have the conversation and clear the air and then you can both decide if you want to continue seeing each other.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:59am
63: Slippin' Goddess says:

I actually couldn’t help but just send him a message:

“Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …and breathe. Honestly feel like screaming.”

He replied “So do I.. I’m going to give (my guy friend) a ring too next time I’m down, the f*@^$^ t*9$!!!”

Woooow.. Where has this jealous streak come from? I think someones mind has been going into overtime since we had ‘space’.

Ooops.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:00am
64: Love Actually says:

56: ReceivingGirl

I feel all smiley reading this. Thank you!
Of course, no reason to worry my pretty little head. LOL. AND THEN I can just say ‘this doesn’t feel good’ when it stops feeling good.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:02am
65: ReceivingGirl says:

@55 Emoticon

So, then, I need to get pregnant without being married! LOL (I am totally joking here, I wouldn’t do that on purpose.)

I honestly don’t know of anything else that would be worse for her.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:03am
66: Love Actually says:

58: Slippin’ Goddess

LOL! I think this might frighten me even more…I’m not sure I want to know all of what goes on in their minds!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:03am
67: Slippin' Goddess says:

60: ReceivingGirl

Yeah, I can see that now. You’re both right.
What’s the best thing to do. Stroke his ego? haha
I fancy the pants off him and I still get butterflies when I see him.. The thick twit!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:06am
68: Love Actually says:

63: Slippin’ Goddess

I think I remember reading somewhere that when we start to use these tools, that the men can act weird, funny and even angry.

Soooo, here’s hoping that change, any change is better than the previous stagnancy!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:06am
69: Love Actually says:

67: Slippin’ Goddess

I fancy the pants off him and I still get butterflies when I see him.. The thick twit!

I feel giggly reading this. Thick twits, indeed! LOL.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:07am
70: Slippin' Goddess says:

66: Love Actually

haha yeah thinking about it, neither do I!
Just a few rambled texts showing what’s going on in his head right now are driving me insane. Be careful what you wish for!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:08am
71: Emoticon says:

RG, dont think about a way to let her down, but if ever u feel like saying something my let her down, just push ur “fck it” button n just say it.

When i told my mother that, i actually CRIED, cuz i couldnt believe i said that. Now im just like wateva, thats who i am

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:09am
72: ReceivingGirl says:

@67 SG

He seems to be hanging on this vacation as him doing something to make you happy. What if you say, “I feel so anxious and excited to go on vacation just the two of us. I feel this time together will be wonderful. I appreciate you wanting to do this for me & us.”

I feel you need to start telling him what you appreciate about him and what he does that makes you happy.

I think it’s the, Think Like a Man and Act Like a Lady, or whatever those books are called that says when a man feels he isn’t up to par at making you happy, then he doesn’t feel good about himself.

What do you think?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:13am
73: ReceivingGirl says:

@71 Emoticon

My parents are the king & queen of guilt trips. They can turn any situation around to make me feel guilty. My mom will start bawling and lock herself in the bedroom. My dad will say how I’m so insulting to him. These are the things I just don’t know how to deal with. My feelings are not heard. Once I wrote them a letter telling them how I felt and they automatically thought my bf at the time wrote it. They live in a fantasy world where they think they do no wrong and everyone else is the bad guy. I’ve stopped even trying.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:16am
74: Emoticon says:

RG when my mom does that i take a serious break from her (dont take her calls for 2-3 weeks) just 2 let her kno that I dont HAVE 2 talk 2 her if i dont want to. I talk 2 her everyday because im a good daughter. If she wants to be able to reach me she will act accordingly.

Mean? I know, but it helps me sleep at night.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:19am
75: Daria says:

Calypso – I feel so sad to read about you dropping him and such

That’s so sweet he wants that! All good men will.

This is not time to drop them or mommy them.

This is time for the no gf speech.

Aww I feel special that you would do that. And actually, I’m not looking to be a gf here or have a short term exclusive thing. I want to be married and have s family. I feel open to get to know you more, and I want to be single and be able to meet people until someone proposes something serious.

When he insists he’s serious I say

ok I dont want to be a gf… And i feel open to keep dating and getting to know u

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:25am
76: Calypso says:

Thanks ReceivingGirl and Love Actually! I appreciate the feedback and th ehugs

In the past I would have just gone along with the “Relationship”, but now I know he is not what I am looking for long term. I like him and we have things in common and do interesting things together, but I don’t FEEL that I could ever give him my heart fully.

He does not know many people in town and there are a lot of fun things that he wants to do that he does not want to do alone. I’m happy to go with him and be his date and although the sex really doesn’t do anything for me, he seems to be getting a lot out of it (LOL) and I’m fine with that.

BUT – I am not going to settle for less than what i know I am capable of feeling for a man. I am not bored and I am not lonely. I miss GM every day, but I’m not waiting for him. I’d just rathjer be free to do my own thing.

Already I’m wishing I was not facebook friends with RL because he “Likes” every single thing I post ont hre and now I feel like he thinks I am talking to him or about him all the time. I have actully stopped myself from posting a couple of things that I wanted to put on my page because I thought about what he would think of it . . . UGH – i don’t want to have to care what he or anyone else thinks right now!

On a side note – I CD’d like crazy on my business trip to Miami recently – It was so fun and surprising! I’m loving my new found siren power !!!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:25am
77: Love Actually says:

75: Daria

I feel so glad you are here Daria!

This makes perfect sense and feels relaxing, easy, peaceful, true (at least for me if i imagine myself in this situation)

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:28am
78: ReceivingGirl says:

@74 Emoticon

I would love to be able to do that. I live alone. If I don’t return their calls within a time period they see fit, they worry, they would either come to my house, call the cops to do a wellness check, or call my friends and then I wouldn’t hear the end of it. Can you say drama???

I think I need to find a way to out drama them or something. People always have such great suggestions, but they just won’t work on my parents. I wish they would. I feel like a naysayer when I say they won’t work, but I just know them and how they would act.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:32am
79: Love Actually says:

((((((78: ReceivingGirl)))))

I feel for you. My dad is a drama king too, but he is ill now and so I only have to worry about it when I am actually there and it’s very different now because he can’t remember things from minute to minute.

I am lucky though because my mom is so not drama or guilt inclined. I am so proud of her because I have seen so many changes in the past 5 or so years as she learns to take better care of herself too!

((((((dads)))))
(((((moms)))))

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:41am
80: Emoticon says:

RG…. i really hope u find a way 2 end that drama, cuz it can be so draining and feel so overbearing OMG

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:43am
81: Love Actually says:

All this talk about parents is making me feel guilty about my son. Sigh.

He felt unheard this morning, clearly.
I feel sad about that.
I don’t want him to feel unheard.
I want to feel heard also.

I used to have such a close relationship with him. Then he turned 12, his voice changed and EVERYTHING changed…not like I wasn’t told that this change would come, but I was still so shocked.

He is truly a lovely human being. And I often feel very happy that he is asserting himself as I am hopeful that this means he is taking care of himself (despite the fact that I feel worried that many of his choices are not good). He feels confident that he is making choices that are good for him and I’m sure as he matures, so will his choices.

I am grateful for this post as I now feel so much more open to his feelings and thoughts and hopefully we can connect around this later.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:45am
82: Calypso says:

Thanks Daria! The thing is, I was a wife for 23 years and I have already raised a family. I don’t know that I ever want to get married again. It’s not that I’m holding out for a committment – he would probably give me one in a heart beat – the problem is, I don’t want a committment from him! I’m not interested in going any deeper with this relationship than we already have. :/

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:46am
83: ReceivingGirl says:

@79 Love Actually

Yes and that is the other part to feel guilty about. I’ve had people tell me they wish their parents were still around and would love to deal with my drama. I should be grateful they are still here.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:51am
84: ReceivingGirl says:

@80 Emoticon

Thank you!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:52am
85: ReceivingGirl says:

@81 Love Actually

I understand your worry about your son’s decisions, as you do want what’s best for him. I believe at a point, it’s time to allow your children to make their own decisions and that will be how they learn what is best for them. They need to make mistakes to grow. This is the only way they can be independent and fully functioning adults. He needs to feel trusted.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:55am
86: Daria says:

Calypso – hmm I would look at what I want.

Most of us women are looking for a live in person close wonderful forever relationship

If you had your perfect man, I bet that’s what you would want too.

I’d get really clear on the relationship I want, (dont lie to yourself because the NVs tell you it’s impossible or it won’t work or u don’t deserve it)

Then practice w all guys who are willing to lead me that way (like this guy – doesn’t mean you’ll say yes, any second of your time is a blessing for him always – and others)

This is about you opening up your heart to the relationship you want

I hope you won’t dismiss this post . It’s really important to get the feeling and sense of the relationship you want in order to have it… And if you’re intersted in men … Thats your sign that you do want a relationship. So you can trust that.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:55am
87: Love Actually says:

83: ReceivingGirl

Oh, I so didn’t mean to illicit guilt in you.

Please don’t ‘should’ yourself.

Drama sucks!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:58am
88: Daria says:

‘I hope you don’t dismiss this post’

My way of expressing that I felt my tummy and heart lurch w dussapointment rembering times I shared information I felt strongly about and I didnt feel heard or received

It felt so sad and I don’t want to feel that wat

Now I’m noticing I feel angry at myself for putting myself out there

I’m feeling sad already

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:59am
89: Femininewoman says:

SG he asked you about goals and you responded like it was a job interview. That was a golden opportunity to share how it would feel when achieving each.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:01pm
90: Daria says:

Aww thanks Love Actually

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:02pm
91: Femininewoman says:

SG I believe you could even have shared your girlish fantasy about your knight in shining armor and beign swept off your feet, in a flirtatious way. But them again that is me. I am having so much fun doing this kind of thing with guys now. Just recently I would freeze (play dumb, though guys call it shy) or run away from such things.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:04pm
92: Love Actually says:

85: ReceivingGirl

Yes, I totally agree they need to make mistakes to learn and grow. I have always given him (I laugh at this as mostly he has taken it) a lot of independence and believe that it is a good thing.

Sometimes I feel nervous that I have ‘allowed’ too much though because I am so far over on the parenting spectrum that a lot of people have criticized and judged me over the years.

He has really made some doozeys in the past couple of years and I’m so hopeful he has learned from them.

Despite all this, he often displays more maturity and functionality than many adults I know.

He is VERY caring and kind and has a tender heart of extraordinary proportions, which I know has been very hard for him being a boy. He is learning how to manage this for himself – it was so painful for him for a number of years – so I am very glad of that.

I just love him so much!!!

((((SH))))

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:05pm
93: Calypso says:

You are right Daria, I would want a relationship with the man who is exactly right for me. I discovered during my relationship with GM that I am capable of feeling total and complete love and trust for a man. I would have given him my whole world – happily. He was not a perfect man by any means, but he felt perfect for me – even when we did not get along. Even now when we are no longer together.

I have tried opening my heart to RL and even challenged myself that I may be sabotaging our chances because I have real intimacy issues, but I don’t think that is it.

The things I like about him are things like: he gives me the space I need, he does not push for romance in public, he does not act like he is going to have expectations of me . . . these are things that I would not mind at all if he was my Mr Right . . . I like that he does not crowd me because i don’t really want a relationship with him.

The things I don’t like: He smokes and I have Asthma. I can’t stand being in his apartment and after kissing him I feel like I have been licking an ashtray. He also has issues in bed and I get absolutely no satisfaction from being with him and he does not seem to notice or care.

I understand that these are things that could be fixed in a relationship if I wanted to put the energy into communicating with him about them, but I don’t.

Maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship yet. I don’t know. I just know that everything in me tells me not to go any deeper with RL. I feel resistance in every cell of by body and I am listening . . . I’m still on POF and just accepted a date with another man. Still looking . . . Just need to deal with RL without crushing a good man . . . I tend to be very blunt when it comes tot hese things – it is how I protect myself. I will have to work very hard to use feeling messages with him. It will be good practice for me.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
94: Love Actually says:

I feel so happy after such a stressful morning, I get to go for a massage now, that I have had booked for over a month!

Feeling excited to feel more relaxed.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
95: Daria says:

‘aww I feel special that you want to do that… And actually, I’m not looking to be a gf here… I want a forever relationship and I feel better being single and meeting and dating and getting to know people until someone wants that with me … And can offer me a plan and a life together that feels good

It doesn’t have to be him.

Just keep practicing your speech!

And notice the in the moment stuff that is turning you off – rather than globalizing… Him – so you can share your feelings – that often removes the lil turn offs and makes it easier to open up

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:10pm
96: Femininewoman says:

Brandylion once a man is indoors the possibilities are wide open. Not that he would force himself on you but once there is chemistry everything can go out the window. I would not invite them inside unless I am open to taking it to the next level.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:10pm
97: Dominique says:

Brandylion – #51 – This is totally up to you and what you want and would feel comfortable doing. You could experiment, see what feel better/best to you which may very well be different with different men.

The more intense the physicality though, the more you are likely to feel attachment, so this is a consideration.

xxoo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:12pm
98: Daria says:

Calypso – this is not about RL. This is about Everyman ever.

And especially about YOU.

You can stop dating RL if you like. There will be plenty of men.

You will need a no gf speech, so you don’t become a gf and throw yourself off the bridge – for a hottie – before the relationship you want is really manifesting.

Using it w RL, whom yore not invested in, is practice. Easy practice so you’re ready for the big ones.

And it’s still the truth.

And no, you’re not promising him you want to be forever w him by telling him wat u want and that u don’t want to be a gf right away in a possibly short term thing.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:15pm
99: ReceivingGirl says:

@87 Love Actually

Oh, no, you didn’t illicit guilt in me. Someone else did that!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:17pm
100: Calypso says:

That makes sense

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:18pm
101: ReceivingGirl says:

@92 Love Actually

You sound like you are doing fine. Also, remember, he’s at the age where parents don’t know anything. He just wants to be left on his own.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:20pm
102: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel so much calmer now that I have my phone back. I hated being without it.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
103: Daria says:

Love actually – I would use feeling messages and respect the masculine 4 rules w him!

Have you heard of mindful parenting?

Also him saying that and slamming the door is still a judgement of you and of course feels bad… Ouch

I would hear his anger and make sure I’m also taking care of myself by not tolerating (feeling messages, walking away for now) bad treatment .. So he gets the dynamics of good make female communication

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
104: ReceivingGirl says:

I think it was my fear of uncertainty…now knowing what was going on, but wanting to know.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:25pm
105: Love Actually says:

99: ReceivingGirl

Oh good

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:32pm
106: Brandylion says:

FW, I think that is what I’m getting at–I don’t know for sure what “the next level” is. In both of my relationships, there was a period of time when we stopped while clothes were still on, there was a period of time when we stopped with nothing but underwear on, there was a period of time when we stopped while totally naked but after manual or oral sex, and then in my college relationship we eventually reached a point where we had actual intercourse.

So are you saying that if you, personally, invite someone in, you are open to going to the intercourse level, or are you open to getting to one of those other levels first? This is what I’m trying to figure out how to navigate–what my boundaries will be and how to avoid situations where they can be broken.

(By the by, it occurred to me this morning that I wonder if PriestCD’s priest knows he sleeps in the same bed as his girlfriends. When his priest suggested in December that we limit our physical contact to hand-holding and closed-mouth kissing, I am quite positive that sleeping in the same bed was a prohibited activity in his mind. Yet it doesn’t seem that it ever occurred to PriestCD that that is something that should probably have been avoided if he genuinely wanted to avoid going places physically he said he didn’t want to go. Of course, not sleeping in the same bed does complicate visits during long-distance relationships, which is what his last three have been (ex-gf from his late 20s whom he saw himself marrying, me, and his new gf).

So here is this man who is in the process of becoming a youth group leader for his church, who told me just two Thursdays ago that he plans to advise these teenagers that, when you date, you show up at her door with a plan, you execute that plan, and then you promptly return her to her door (which he explained he did not do in a HS relationship–he’d pick her up, they’d drive around, they’d stop somewhere and make out, he’d take her home), but he’s not walking his own talk about how to avoid sexual temptation!

It’s just more evidence that the poor man doesn’t really know himself and what his own boundaries really are.)

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:33pm
107: Love Actually says:

101: ReceivingGirl

LOL! Yes, I really don’t know anything…
Its tough being 14, I remember!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:34pm
108: Love Actually says:

103: Daria

Yes, I will try to do this more.

I have used feeling messages and then when I get triggered they go right out the window.

I will re-look at the 4 rules too.

I feel reassured that this will help him with healthy male female dynamics. His dad doesn’t model much in the way of healthy dynamic AT ALL.

Thanks!
xxoo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:36pm
109: Femininewoman says:

my boyfriend and I live together and have been for 1 year. we have known each other for 11/2 years. he is really cute blond, blue eyes. he has never been married, and is in hie 50′s, still good looking. my question is, women seemed to try to flirt with him when I am right there with him. giving them their home phone numbers and e/mail adresses when we are at like insurance business places. I reported one already to the big rig if that was right, and was told no. how can I stop this?

2. debbie, you can’t stop it. Here’s what you do. 1. Get a big sense of humor, so when this happens, you instinctively smile at your man, lean back, and feel sexy. 2. Get in touch with your jealousy and anger, and let it further enhance your vibe by not trying to sit on it. You don’t have to speak it. Women who come up to him and give him their numbers are not going to get anywhere with him – especially not as you’re standing there, your hand gently in the crook of his arm or in his back pocket while you’re leaning back, being totally serene and confident. Stay close to him so he can feel your energy, but lean back. Once you do this, you’ll see he’ll be even more turned on to you. It’s like the estrogen from the other women just gets transferred to you – it’s a good thing. Thank these women (not directly and verbally – but with your mind and body language) for increasing his love for you. Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:40pm
110: Femininewoman says:

Brandylion many men believe that when you go to their homes you are suggesting that you are comfortable going all the way to sex with them. If you invite them in your place late at night the same applies. At least that’s what many have told me. When it comes to physicality, religion and rules the waters can get muddy because in the moment when feelings are involved and a woman is willing many a christian couple go down that path. As well as other couples that have the no sex before marriage rule. From my perspective people can find ways to show passion without going there and judging someone because they broke a “rule” is judging myself. It is best to know what your standards are, then communicate them and live them.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:48pm
111: sunflower says:

@49 Dominique

wow….:).Thankyou. I am going to go with your suggestion. Have to email it though, so how do I convey i am really ‘listening’.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:54pm
112: sunflower says:

@49 Dominique

wow….:).Thankyou. I am going to go with your suggestion. Have to email it though, so how do I convey i am really ‘listening’ ?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 12:55pm
113: Iamabutterfly says:

my dream guy has a gf. all of my old CDs have gfs. what is God trying to tell me?

I have to be okay with myself.
I have to take care of myself.
I have to know what makes me feel good and joyful and how to share that goodness and joy with the rest of the world.

I’m still working on being okay with myself, with taking care of myself, and doing things that make me feel good and joyful, and sharing those things with the rest of the world.

I feel patient with myself.
I feel hopeful.
I can do this.
I can be happy.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:12pm
114: Daria says:

i just ignore those ‘men believe’ this and that about late nite rules

ive always been ok though sometimes awkward

if i bothered to believe those rules i would be bothering to believe other ‘rules’ too that i thought were true and are not, such that men don’t like to take women out anymore and such…

it doesn’t matter what he believes about sex

i can use my boundaries and STOP whenever i want. with this power, i no longer need to get into his head

if *I* have insecurities due to my believing some of these conventions to be true, i share that im feeling insecure thinking about such and ask what he thinks

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:15pm
115: Daria says:

wow Feminine Woman, thank you for sharing that Rori advice about other women flirting!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:19pm
116: Daria says:

i see where i went OFF was i disengaged and moved away to where he couldnt feel my energy

i did it on purpose so he could have space to flirt w her!

not voting for ME!

wow yay im healing this!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:19pm
117: Daria says:

lamabutterfly – who cares if they have gfs? everyone can have gfs… but we sirens want to be married and happy

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:21pm
118: Femininewoman says:

With as many women who have experienced date rape I believe it is wise to pay attention to conventional wisdom.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:37pm
119: Iamabutterfly says:

@117 Daria – I care. I don’t want to waste my time with guys with gfs. I feel don’t feel valued, important, or number 1 with a guy who has a gf. I need to feel all those things!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:40pm
120: Iamabutterfly says:

guys with gfs are such a huge issue for me. I feel so angry at guys who were clearly into me, but gave up on me because I pushed them away out of my fear and insecurity. then, when I feel more grounded and secure and fearless, they come back to me, they get curious, and I feel hatred towards them. because I feel rejected, I feel second best. and their gfs always hate me. and I hate feeling second best to men, and hated by women.

how can I fix this?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:44pm
121: Iamabutterfly says:

like, why, why, why? i feel so uncomfortable around Seenmecrycd and his stupid gf, who seems threatened by me. WHY DO YOU FEEL SO THREATENED BY ME?!!!? IS IT BECAUSE IT WAS CLEARLY YOUR IDEA TO MAKE IT FB OFFICIAL THE SAME NIGHT HE AND I HUNG OUT AND HAD AN AMAZING TIME TOGETHER???!!! I HATE YOU AND YOUR CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE, SNEAKY WAYS!!!

yeah, I feel really angry…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:47pm
122: Iamabutterfly says:

it’s not like I even throw myself at him like all the other stupid desperate girls without any self-respect. He always came to me by his own choice and he always will. Is that what makes you so mad?!!! That he wants me without me having to ^&*( persuade him?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:49pm
123: Femininewoman says:

Iamabutterfly switch hats with those guys. How do you feel when you are “pushed ____ away out of my fear and insecurity”? Why would they want to stay around?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:49pm
124: Iamabutterfly says:

uggggg, does anyone have any insight for me? Like, it’s so annoying feeling a taken man’s attraction, but I’m not going to encourage it because, oh my word, I actually want an available man?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:50pm
125: Dominique says:

Sunflower – Though it’s best to have these kinds of interactions face to face, sometimes it’s unavoidable having them via other means, such as text. You could try saying that it would feel better hearing whatever it is in person. Or you can interject with texts, such as, “Yes” or “I understand.” If he expresses that he’s angry, sad, disappointed, etc., you can say, “I’m sorry.” Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you were responsible for this person’s feelings or that you are taking this on. It says you feel empathy for them.

xxoo

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:51pm
126: Iamabutterfly says:

@123 Feminine Woman – totally makes sense. I feel hypocritical, because I know the biggest turn-off for me in a man is insecurity. I just don’t know how to fix my own insecurity, and I do really hate when they come back!!!! (and they always come back!!!)

I’m thinking of this wonderful, gorgeous, insecure old cd. I wonder if he has the same issues with anger at women coming back to him when he is feeling more secure?

It seriously makes me feel so angry that I want to rip and destroy things…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:53pm
127: Femininewoman says:

Michelle – you are missing the point here….when he said “You’ve been quiet” – you took that as a request to initiate more – and he DIDN’T SAY THAT! We women get ourselves into trouble when we try to INTERPRET what a man says. He merely commented that you’d been quiet. How do you know he didn’t LIKE that?!!! This kind of moment is your opportunity to use feeling messages – Oh, It feels good to hear your voice, and I just don’t feel good reaching out to men. It feels much better to just let you run how things go. It feels great to me to just lay back on my couch and sip tea and see what happens…” Anything like that.

The moment you started leaning forward, you created a new dynamic. Do NOT call a man (unless he ASKS you to call to confirm something or other)! There is nothing for yu to share – you’ve only had 6 dates – and he’s pretty much telling you directly that he’s done. He’s lost interest. There’s NOTHING you can do at this point that wouldn’t make it worse. Just leanback, Circular Date, meet and date other men.

Also – do NOT go to a man’s place if you can help it! You have NO power there! Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 1:53pm
128: Femininewoman says:

Lori says:

What do I do when a guy starts using feeling messages on me in conversation? One of my circular dating guys is doing this and it feels like he’s trying to play the female role and force me into the male role. It feels like he has done Rori’s programs himself and is trying to turn it around on me! That feels icky.

1345: Rori Raye says:
Lori -what you do is outgirl him. Hear him, but don’t go into “thinking” – stay with your feelings, express them in words and keep asking him what he thinks. Perhaps it’s just a nice way of expression he’s cultivated as a sensitive man – find out about him. Perhaps he’s actually very decisive when it comes to other things. Perhaps he’s very sensitive to YOU. Find out…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:06pm
129: Tereana says:

Brandylion, 51 – I don’t know if I am the person to help you with that. Lol. But if I think of some wisdom, I may offer it later. : )

In the mean time, I am feeling a little bit open, raw, vulnerable. I basically bared my soul to MM this morning. And now that I haven’t heard back, I feel… Weird!

So I’m just…breathing, sinking in. I’m realizing that this is now my more natural, automatic response . Instead of just letting my thoughts spiral out of control, I am catching them, internally, before *I* feel too bad. Yay! I am taking care of myself! Hooray! : )

It was funny, because this morning, just as I was thinking about MM, and realizing what was really important to me, and where my boundaries were – and feeling awesome about it – voila! He called me! At 8 in the morning. Lol.

And we talked about what was going on, how busy he was. And I told him my preference – that if we meet up again, I’d like it to be on a weekend. I really don’t like meeting during the week, it’s hard for me. And he agreed : ) yay!

But then he asked me “what I wanted to talk about,” and I clammed up. Mainly, because it was 8 in the morning and I was getting ready for work. I really didn’t want to open the whole can of sex worms at that hour. Lol.

Only afterward, and during the convo, I felt myself being a little evasive. Like the way I’ve been lately, where I feel resistance to answering a direct question. I didn’t want to be vague and leave him hanging, or dangle a carrot. Butviboretty much did.

So a few hours later, I texted him. I said basically that – that I didn’t want to be vague. I wanted to talk about sex (nothing bad), and that it would feel better to wait and talk in person.

Yay, me, because it’s true!

I guess I have nothing to worry about. I thought I might have been a little “crazy” yesterday, and grasping at straws. But not really. And even if I felt like I did, and was communicative, he still called me this morning. That was super great!

So we now have an agreement that he will let me know when he’s available to see me on a weekend. And meanwhile, I am not holding the space for him. If I make other plans, then he’ll have to wait ; )

And that feels good. I feel nervous about baring myself and saying that I wanted to talk about sex. It feels open and raw, and honest. And I can’t hide it anymore. It feels like standing naked in front of him. I can’t take it back. But I can just let myself be the way I am, and love my vulnerability by letting it exist. He can think and do whatever he wants. I will be okay. Because I am on a mission to be true and honest about myself, and not to hide what is important about me.

Yay! I feel sexy : )

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:06pm
130: Femininewoman says:

Rori Raye says:
Hi, Ginger, Welcome…and I’m just going to be very direct with you here…you sound very young, like high school…am I correct? If you are at all interested in a man who is depressed over his last break up, the only place to look is at your sef-esteem – which absolutely HAS to be very, very low for you to even CONSIDER spending time with a man to whom you come in a poor SECOND to his ex. Can you see this more clearly now from the outside? The very fact that you are interested in him (he can tell) when he KNOWS he’s not in a good place makes you seem desperate and needy, and completely eliminates the attraction. The only way to get a man out of someone else and into you is to be fabulous WITHOUT him. Please work with Circular Dating and all the Power Tools here, and I look forward to helping you get stronger and clearer. Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:10pm
131: smile says:

Starla – from previous thread…

“just keep swimming…”

I too am a dory/nemo quoter lol.

This made me smile

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:46pm
132: Daria says:

Ive never been date raped and I have spent time with men MOSTLY at night my whole life.

Some people feel safe hitchiking.

Some people don’t feel safe ever meeting somone that htey don’t meet through a mutual aquaintance.

It’s not a huge fear of mine. I don’t see myself getting date raped – i’m really really good on my toes I guess… I used to sell drugs on the street and assist prostitutes and I just trust my vibes… i know when its not cool, how to get away, how to talk someone down, stall for time, and other emergency measures

take that back, i have been date raped once – i drank a lot of tequila with this guy – but i dont want to really blame him fully cuz i remember sitting in his lap at one point and pulling him towards me (the only two flashbacks i remember) at another

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:46pm
133: smile says:

I’m finding it difficult to switch from thinking to feeling mode…

So I am just going to sleep instead…If I can stop thinking…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:49pm
134: Daria says:

for some reason i feel defensive sad and about this

i carry this thing that my whole life people have told me what i do is dangerous (other than and even soemtimes, people who do the same or things i deem even more dangerous)

i do not want to carry this burden any more

i want to feel safe in the world

i feel so GLEEFUL that i know the secret that strange men actually treat me with love !

more love often than men i already know

and that i feel safe with this

and i feel all sad being judged about this

i imagine the whole world thinks of me as irresponsible , bad, immature, i dont care about myself, not sane

i dont want this way of thinking anymore

IVE had thousands of situations of sleeping over at nite with a man

I AM OK!

i dont want to argue

i feel not seen and sad sad sad

i feel scared too!

these people can hurt me, legislate me, take my children, alll

due to their own fears about the world and other people!

and judgements on me!

i feel so pwoereless and scared thinking these things!

i dont want to doubt myself

i dont want to doubt my intuition that i am ok – cuz the ‘resposible thing’ is to doubt myself

and if i dont do that, then SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN TO ME!!

and I DESERVE IT!!!

that feels awful!

i dont want these thoughts

i choose to believe i am so safe w my intuitino

“no its not safe for you to believe that!”

i refuse that

i dont want that

i want to believe that its safe to believe that im safe with my intuitino

its ok daria

i feel so tight in my mouth

i feel scared!

its oke!

theyre just scared remember!

theyre scared

they believed something thats not true and it scared them

they believed thw eorld is bad, men are dangerous, and

that following your intuition is not safe and it will get you raped

and that is just not true baby!

you will be ok

you are so ok

and its ok to feel helpless about them

its ok to feel scared

aww babe

its ok

mmm i know you feel compassion for them

awwwww

it feels scary to think theyll never come out of it yeah?

its ok!

they will!

even by you just noticing that

awww

everything is healing babe

u r so wonderful

its ok to go play

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 2:55pm
135: Heart says:

Feminine woman – did u read my dream in the last thread. What do you think?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:12pm
136: Heart says:

Everything Manboy does triggers me in somewhere…I get so angry by some of the things he says…
But I think it’s great in a way…I’ve learnt so much about myself from the experience…

FW – he posted that he was feeling down and sad. I felt shockd by this…and thenhe posted songs about missing someone and becoming a man and having courage. I haven’t been posting on FB…Im on a break but Im feeling likehe is expecting a sign from me or something…I dont want to question him because it feels like leaning forward….is expressing something leaning forward? Any advice?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:12pm
137: Slippin' Goddess says:

89: Femininewoman says:

SG he asked you about goals and you responded like it was a job interview. That was a golden opportunity to share how it would feel when achieving each

Aww I feel bad that I missed the opportunity there! You’re so right! I think he just shocked me with the question and I responded without thinking really and without FM’s, whereas I have been doing in most other texts. Ahh well.. Learning curve! Might still try to fit in my night in shining armour dream if it comes up again!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:17pm
138: Slippin' Goddess says:

Ok, so I leaned forward a bit and asked him if I could have the car Wednesday to use for work. It would make the day so much simpler and I really didn’t know how else to ask him other than just ask him.

He responded “Whenever you want.. You do the planning and say what you want me to do”

Isn’t that feminine energy?

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:20pm
139: Tam says:

@ heart…it’s a classic manboy thing…if I would send mine a ‘sign’ now, he would jump at it like a puppy dog…straightaway. By leaning back he gets a bit insecure. Anyway, you could experiment?
I am done with mine…so far

Bald CD has really sent me the sweetest email ever, with sentences like this:
‘To me you are a bright well grounded beautiful woman and its your natural down to earth nature that makes you a joy for me to be around’
and this:
‘I could sit around for hours (actually we do) talking about anything and everything or admiring the world that spins around us. ‘
So I just enjoy the sweet attention and feel ‘awwww’ about this. At last someone with a warm heart…that’s nice.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:21pm
140: Rebecca says:

I want to learn to ‘like’ myself..

I want to like my legs which I think are shapeless and fat

I want to like my stomach that sticks out quite a bit

I want to like my plain boring mousey broen limp hair

I want to likemy plain jane looks

Iwant to love me just the way I am and feel confident and happy

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:23pm
141: Heart says:

Tam – lol@classic manboy thing…

BaldCd sounds really sweet…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:29pm
142: Tam says:

does your manboy contact you still, or just sulking?

Yes, Baldsey is good, he is the exact medium between the guy who came on too strong and Mr U who always came on too weak and now has really put his foot in it.

Bald CD is happy with himself and calm – there is a lot to be said for that. I think damaged men will cause damage. Sadly.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:41pm
143: Sassy says:

Silver moonbeam, are you out there shining anywhere???

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:45pm
144: Gemini says:

sirens it’s ok to ignore text messages for awhile right? i feel like leaning wayyyy back cuz i’m feeling irritated and just can’t be bothered to respond right now. blah.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 3:58pm
145: Heart says:

Tam – as in recently? We’re on FB but he hasn’t texted me or called in a while. The vibe between us is awkward.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:11pm
146: arrowofthyme says:

im going to a man’s house tonight to watch movies. which means, making out. i suggested it because i cant see anything long term with him but his goodnight kiss on our first date was so sensual and spectacular that i thought, oh, this could be useful. especially because i miss feeling sexy and wanted. i’m either rockstarring my way through post-breakup dating, or my heart has been replaced by cold trout since the last guy. i cant tell yet.

a question keeps popping up for me which is this: im still navigating all these new behaviors. i know a lot, but staying with these new practices, and not letting my inner little girl lash out, or get anxious, and staying with my feelings – those arent integrated yet.
so if i meet a really evolved guy, i mean, just the thought of meeting one, it feels sad. like i need to warn them that im not done baking yet. that im still practicing. i see a lot of immaturity in me still and i want to get close to someone who can guide me a bit who isnt smaller than me but i already feel like if i met one, i would either be freaked out or id be compelled to apologize in advance for still being very much a work in progress.

i know that sounds insecure, but there are men who are advanced emotionally and there are men who arent. i want to be around the evolved ones, without feeling like i have to get it all right if we start to get closer. hmm.

geez i dont write for a few days here, and suddenly i cant stop. hi ladies.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:15pm
147: Femininewoman says:

Heart it seems to me that expressimg anything would be allowing him to pull you off your bridge. Giving him too much power. Too much concern with his feelings.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:16pm
148: arrowofthyme says:

you know, very specifically, im thinking of my financial independence too. im still forging a creative business of my own, and i struggle with money often right now. i left a good paying job to do this because the good paying job made me feel like i was dead. some weeks, it feels almost dire financially. and so i have these thoughts like, i want to learn and be around men, but until i get myself squared away, i dont want a relationship because ill just end up being dependent on them or the balance will be way off. actually my real thought is that a real grown up together guy isnt ever going to want to date me through this period. i cant tell whats true.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:21pm
149: Gemini says:

hi arrowofthyme
“until you get yourself squared away” ayyy i feel you on that, although do we ever get ourselves truly squared away? always evolving! and an evolved guy would hopefully admire the fact that you’re focused and committed to your own evolution. and maybe a real grown up together guy would respect your initiative, ambition, and trust/confidence in yourself as you create opportunities for yourself and follow your dreams. or something like that!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:29pm
150: arrowofthyme says:

ha. gemini, yes, cheers to that. one of my exes who is a very close friend of mine likes to recall that on our first date when he said i seemed really calm person, i put my wine glass down and looked up at him and very seriously and in slow motion said “sometimes im not a calm person at all.” and then my eyes got really big, like, take this hint, brother.

i guess i can just be as microscopically honest as i get closer to someone as i can be. i can say what i struggle with and what im afraid of. i guess i can do that. er. that feels scary.

the kind of person i want to be with ultimately isnt the person i am yet. but sometimes i feel like being that person is going to take such a long time. but you know what, some days there are exponential energy shifts inside me and im not giving up.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:38pm
151: arrowofthyme says:

i think what i want to say to a new evolved guy who imagine is really together and mature is: “i learned how to be vulnerable and honest and thats really new for me and im still practicing so dont hurt or abandon or ridicule me while im practicing these new behaviors or itll hurt even worse.”

wow. im not going to say no to an emotionall mature person because i think the chances of rejection are higher. im going to say yes. even if its scary.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:47pm
152: Gemini says:

arrowofthyme….i think that your honesty and self-reflection are positives not negatives, better to share than suppress right? we all go through struggles and doubt and fear, including dudes…nobody’s perfect! i think…wait, i’m thinking too much!

i FEEL…..i feel impressed that you feel your doubts and fears and express them honestly. i feel hopeful that you can be gentle and loving and patient with yourself as you grow and evolve, and i feel that way toward myself too (i need some gentleness!)…and toward the dudes who irritate me lol! we’re all learning and growing in this great adventure of life

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:54pm
153: Gemini says:

yes, say YES!! yes to life and learning and growing and evolving, even if it hurts sometimes…

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:56pm
154: arrowofthyme says:

ha! yes yes yes.

i feel grateful.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 4:58pm
155: Gemini says:

yes! awesome. i feel good too, better then when i was mired in my own problems lol! i love telling other people how to fix things, it distracts me from fixing my own things!! hahaa

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 5:07pm
156: Linda says:

I dont think I can absorb anything from this post.

What jumped out at me was this person being judged by her appearance from her family. I have lived under this too. I have natural curley hair and never been super lean and trim. My weight history has been like a yo-yo all my life. My mom is only complimentary of me when I am in a size 10 or less. I went on a job interview back in ’05 to rejoin the workforce full time ( and I got the job and still have it 7 years later)… but she said to me DO SOMETHING WITH THAT HAIR! ….. OMG…. I have always felt less loved by my mother when I had a few extra pounds on my frame or my hair was not straighten. My Dad… (he passed in 2000) loved me unconditionally. It did not matter what my hair or weight was.. he accepted me though he was no an affectionate man.

My last relationship, the man was obsessed with looks. His and others. We would be out for a meal and he would see an over weight person…and would say…..”Good Lord, push yourself from the table”!!! He would say my hair was to “full”, or dont you think you should shorten the string on your yo-yo? Oh and of course, I was not blonde or a sexy vixen. I got to the point that I could not watch a movie with him if there was a thin blonde lead in the movie. I secretly loathed him for this.

Even today his words ran thru my head. I want mt power back. I heard if from my mom and now him…. I might see a woman in public that fits what I thought he would like looking at and despise her. O my goodness, how UGLY of ME!

He told me he was not sexually attracted to me for along time… I thought you NEVER were really! WHen I met him I wore a size 8! and he suggested it would not be bad to be thinner.

So these things that trigger me are things that I dont like about myself? I guess you are right. I keep thinking if I looked different things would be different. Yet I like myself. I was made this way, it is just not the way that our society glorifies as HOT and desirable.

I am telling you… I could scream. I work in a hospital. People are fighting for their health, or being able to walk… THAT IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS!

I feel fed up today! I opened my profile on a dating website 2 weeks ago but I deleted it today! My inbox was full but now nothing. It just feels like MORE REJEction…. I can take it anymore. I feel better now that I deleted it.

I have got to break this pattern that is destructive in me. An stop playing the tape. “If I was thin and blonde” …. My last relationship was really a lot worse than I thought. I feel frozen and all closed up. He could be quite charming on the outside, but life with him around was more debilitating that I realized!…….I have lost touch with the sensual woman side of me . I am sure I am giving off really wonderful vibes! NOT!!!!

Linda

So what triggers me…? ALL OF IT.

The average woman in the US is a size 12-14.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 5:12pm
157: LoveAlways says:

Rori’s programs were my first exposure to emotional triggers, and I’ve made so much personal progress with this!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 5:18pm
158: Emerson says:

(((Linda)))
I am a size 12-14, for the record. I get compliments on my body from men I date.
I am curvy and I don’t care, I love my body.

Most men seem to like it too and I carry my weight well. I could stand to lose a few but I can’t diet the way I used to. I am very active and physical and it keeps the flab away, but I’m probably never going to be a skinny minnie!!!

Also, I LOVE curly hair! I have straight hair, but I love when women with curly hair let it go crazy and natural! I envy that…which is why I have hot rollers.

Sending love to you and maybe CDing in person is a better option than online for a while/?? I find that I need to take a break from the dating sites and get out there sometimes…I get tired of looking at the same old profiles over and over!!

Hmm…Linda you’ve inspired me to set a new goal…
I want to keep my dating site open for now, but I will have a goal to meet at least one new potential CD a day in real life…which means talking to them…which means I have to start with five second smile!!!!!!

Yay I can do this

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:19pm
159: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Linda)))

I’m all ready for bed. Going to hit the hay an hour early. My neck and shoulder are still sore, so hopefully I will get a good night’s sleep and they will feel better in the morning.

My phone service at home has 3 bars…I’ve never had 3 bars!! I’m so excited.

I can tell Mr. Observant is still not himself, even though he says he feels good. It must be really hard for him. I’ve decided I’m going to be really patient about seeing him until he’s feeling up to it. I know that is an undetermined amount of time, but I will be able to tell when he’s back in full swing.

I got my Kindle Fire today. I’m charging it and can’t wait to try it out tomorrow. Time for bed, I have to look well rested and pretty for pictures tomorrow!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:27pm
160: Hunnybunny says:

I planned a trip to NY at a time when I was in the laser focus and capturing mode with this man I met online “B” is what I will call him. My best friend recently moved here and I used that excuse to come and to see if he was who he was leading me to believe he was since March 2012. I’ve seen all the red flags and was not willing to let go. He poured on the charm, stated he couldn’t wait til I get here to take me all of these places and just stop texting and calling a week prior to me coming. I couldn’t get him out of mind and yet I knew I couldn’t cancel the airline tickets or change my vacation plans as my bff was so excited to see me. I felt so bad about being dishonest. Yet the day before I arrived I stayed up all night and emailed him of my coming even though I hadn’t heard from him for a few days. He responded call me when you get here and I did. I’ve been here for 3 days and went back to my tools and circular dating online. Getting attention and compliment from other guys, but feeling them due to him. I went out to NY today alone after reinforcing the mantra, keep the focus on me. I sent him a text from Time Square letting him know I am having a great time and loving it. While all the time I want to hear from him. He lives here in NY. I’m in CA. I have my tools. I’m just feeling disappointed and let down. Sirens, I need you. I have 5 more days in NY with my bff and her wonderful husband, yet I am stuck in this rut. Help!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:48pm
161: Daria says:

im feeling worried that my messages on my fave social site have dried up

i used to get like 20 a minute and now i have had like just a few over the past couple of days…

i feel somewhat relieved too like maybe its to mean that i can practice keeping better track of men calling ppl back and such

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:49pm
162: Daria says:

Hunny Bunny it sounds like you’re doing great! Meet a new man!

When i went to New York I was taking advantage of the adventurous energy from being in a new place and doing the 5 sec look – men were everywhere coming at me.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:51pm
163: Femininewoman says:

Heart I read the dream but it seemed so confused to me I was wondering if you are clear about what you want in your life so that your subconscious could help you. It seemed all over the place to.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:53pm
164: Daria says:

Slippin Goddess – take it as he wants to accommodate you and help you

you can share what would feel best for you, “thank you itd feel easiest if you can drop it off tuesday night” or if you don’t know say “i don’t know” or “i’d feel better if you figure it out how i can have it for wednesday for me babe i dont want to be in charge of it”

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:54pm
165: Linda says:

ty you Emerson

I do want to meet people in person. Online… the website is the same old men. I have been off there for 2 years and lots of the faces.

Well, those fish are swimming around in the same old sespool. I dont want to fish now I have doubts about the bait. It is a different season in my life. I feel true to myself for deleteing it.

I will go to bed feeling good that I did the right thing for me. Go me!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:56pm
166: Linda says:

I actually could not believe that lots of the the faces are the same. Are they not really looking for a real relationship? I was amazed! hmmm makes me wonder and question everything.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:58pm
167: Hunnybunny says:

Weight, rejection, age and never living up to what other expect of me has been a lifelong struggle for me. Doctors, pills, the wrong men and bad choices are the result of the teachers I’ve had. But the one fell safe idea I’ve held onto is that, when I look a rainbow it has a lot of colors. Colors that apart are unique and together are spectacular. Where do you feel you are in our rainbow? We will never get to a point where something or someone won’t burst our bubble. But everytime I alot of bubbles all together I feel so much joy. That is why, it feels good to give hugs and support to others, even while I am feeling bad on the inside of myself. Tonight the stars still shine. Tomorrow the sunshines for all of us. Goodnight Sirens….

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 6:59pm
168: Femininewoman says:

30: Rori Raye says:

Gina – NO. It’s not possible. Stop talking to this man right now.

Never, never, never spend one moment of your time with a married man. Never.

It compromises everything you believe in and WANT on a core level, and it absolutely makes it impossible for you to be available emotionally for a real man who really wants you.

Cut yourself loose from this self-destroying pattern of unavailable men and start Circular Dating.

Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:26pm
169: Femininewoman says:

I don’t coach women who are in relationships with married men. And I don’t coach women who are married and having affairs with other men – unless it’s an open, polyamorous marriage and the husband knows.

This is not about being judgmental (I once, long ago, when I was desperate and depressed, had an affair with a much older, married man – so though I’ve worked to no longer judge myself, I feel very sad about it and how I was so desperate and depressed at that time) – this is about it being absolutely impossible to work on yourself or anything else until you can be honest and authentic in your life.

And as long as you are lying to people, and committed to keeping this lie alive – I can’t help you.

I can help you with your marriage, but that would require you ending the affair, coming clean about it, and getting some help – which could also end your marriage. I know this is not something you want to do.

So – I’ll start here: This is about YOU. First, find out how you can be financially independent – and work toward that. Then, figure out how you feel about your marriage, and what your options are. When you’ve settled that, you’ll be ready to invest in another relationship – either with this man or a new man.

I wish you luck on your journey, Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:38pm
170: Daria says:

“this is about it being absolutely impossible to work on yourself or anything else until you can be honest and authentic in your life.”

yay I feel so relieved now that I’ve told my parents i smoke pot lol

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 7:49pm
171: Femininewoman says:

747: Rori Raye says:

Kathryn, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself here. Please…by focusing on this man who is doing nothing more than being a “casual acquaintance” – you are hamstringing your own life. I know how this works. You basically put your life in a holding pattern for years – it can go on forever if you don’t work yourself out of it. The only man who counts is one who ACTIVELY LOVES YOU. That’s the job description. You go from there. If a man is not actively loving you, to where you feel wonderful about yourself in his presence and out of his presence — then he is NOTHING to you. What you do is Circular Date and discover and transform what it is that is holding you so stuck to a man who is….yes…not interested enough in you. The reason doesn’t matter. If your goal is to change yourself so that he will be interested…that goal is misplaced and won’t work. Go out there and change yourself for YOU — so that men will come from everywhere to be with you and you’ll have your choice. Perhaps he’ll show up, perhaps not, but you’ll be in a much better place to make a good choice for yourself. Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:07pm
172: Femininewoman says:

Starla I believe I mentioned this to you. I finally found it.

Tina says:

Hello Rori,
Ive been reading your post and all the lovely women post that visit this page. how ever im at a difficult place in my relationship right now, i was engaged to get married to a wonderful man, yeah he was one i was really hesitant with in the begining and after i let him in he was great and then when he had me he drifted, then we came back to gether and that time he had the ring , however i wanted a wedding and he wanted to do the court house thing so time and i believe people and thier suggestions got in the middle, however we got across that and came back together, so this last time i purchased the reconnect your relationship and it was working however i tried the dating thing cause he was here but he was’nt committing again and i feel like it back fired cause he’s started dating and now he’s posting pictures of him and a young lady that he’s haveing fun with on his social page so i deleted mine so i would not get in a low place….

the reconnect your realtion ship really help me stay grounded and all the tools are wonderful, but now we are not even communicating and even when i am hanging out with other wonderful guys, and im present..when i get home and lay down my heart still desires my ex fiance’…i dont want another man… we have been together for four years…
i remember the last time we spoke he asked me was i dating and i said yes and he told me he could feel it.so im wondering if he has moved on cause i began dating….
another thing is i trust in the lord and i know what will be will be, however….

what do you suggest I do now?

Rori Raye says:

Tina, Welcome, and have you ever talked with him about this? Asked him what happened? Why you’re not together anymore and why he’s dating? He didn’t move on because you moved on – but if you need to know, then ask. You’re letting him be in control here. Share how much you miss him, and that you’re not sure what to do, where things are at for you both. But you can’t bring this up until you feel solid inside, know what you want and are in touch with your feelings. Then -consider talking with him…Love, Rori

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 8:12pm
173: Sunshine says:

Love this post and I like that it talks about family. Seems like the hardest challenges in life are with family especially communication. I also feel that with fathers or father figures, its important to practice feeling messages with them even at the present adult stage, its a great way to heal the past and see the present differently.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:38pm
174: Heart says:

# 163 FW – no I’m not clear about what I want….thanks for the input

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 9:57pm
175: Starla says:

oh my goodness, i had the most safe and loved feeling day with my best friend today.

I also had a constant drip of piney feelings for CF. That annoying drip.

My best friend and I went shopping and eating (our favorite past time) and she was super supportive in my quest to throw out all my flannel pajamas (except the one pair she gave me for a birthday gift one year, of course!) and replace them with silky sets and nighties. I felt almost surprised by her level of support, because we’ve been ‘kids’ together for almost 2 decades.

I am upgrading myself into a full adult siren, and finding this level of trust/comfort with myself to know that inside I have a very childish (in a good way) side, instead of feeling like I need to “wear it on the outside” for men to know that we have things in common.

Basically I can have any man I want, I realize. I mean single men, of course! I like to think any man who is not single is with a woman who is super sireny that he wouldn’t want to leave, because a powerful masculine men forms DELIBERATE relationships:) Any man who is not single and unhappy enough to ditch his girl for me is not the man for me. I want a powerful creator in my life, not someone who lets life happen to them and finds themselves ‘locked in’ with some woman they don’t even feel strongly for.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:12pm
176: Starla says:

More updates:
Alaska posted on his facebook that he was throwing up nauseated from our conversation yesterday. He said he wasn’t happy with himself or his choice or something, and that he couldn’t sleep all night cuz he was so sick. He’s been physically sick for about 30 hours. I hope he feels better soon. And I’m glad I decided to stay away from this man.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:19pm
177: Starla says:

he also made some comments about some girls of “questionable legal age” (his words) at the pool he was at today. Weird. He gets weirder and weirder. It’s like he self destructs when confronted with any sort of rejection. This all started because I didn’t like how he talked to me when a car honked at me and spiraled from there. (((((((((((((Alaska)))))))))))) may you find peace, buddy.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:22pm
178: Starla says:

Last update and then I’ll catch up on everyone’s comments:

I gained 6 pounds (presumably muscle), but I weighed myself today, and I’ve dropped 10 pounds now!! 10 more to go and I will be right at my ultimate goal. And I went from being solidly a size Large to being in between a Small and a Medium. And I’ve dropped 3-4 dress sizes.

My body is looking amazing and I am just feeling amazing and sooo in the vortex imagining the juicy life I was meant for.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:45pm
179: Starla says:

thank you, fw, you are an amazing resource

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 10:48pm
180: Starla says:

i know i’m spamming, but remember when I said I was scared to put up a profile pic on fb that shows off my big nose? 3 guys I haven’t talked to in months or even years IMd me tonight there to tell me how beautiful I look in my photo. And more than that, they paid me some very sincere compliments about how focused I am in my life and how they find it to be very sexy.

I am feeling REALLY good.

I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:37pm
181: Emerson says:

Yay Starla !! U r so rock star!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:53pm
182: Starla says:

Thank you, Emerson!

Monday, 18 June 2012 @ 11:59pm
183: Emerson says:

I told newCD that I’m feeling bored with texting. Never heard back. Yawn!!!! He’s so random and inconsistent & I’m just bored!!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:06am
184: Rebecca says:

Linda ~ I sooooo relate to what you are saying. Some men have said some awful things to me and I am only a size 12.

I am a typical pear shape and feel self conscious in just about everything I wear!! I NEVER think clothes look good on me..

I have also got quite deep-set facial features which I feel make me look masculine. Oooh how I envy dainty faced ‘pretty’ girls. I feel so masculine and unnattractive next to them.

My hair is wavy and incredibly shapeless. There is little I can do with it. I would love to wear a wig!

Unfortunately I do think physical appearance reflects on how we get treated, and maybe that over time affects who we are. I know I am certainly bitter about it – and unless you’ve felt like this I feel it’s so easy to say that looks aren’t important and it’s all about personality.

If it is my mindset then please G0d let me change it!! I hate feeling like this and so down on myself…

I’m always thinking.. If only I could lose weight… If only I could be like her or her…

Oh well, I have to accept how things are… I’ve accepted being on my own anyway.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:08am
185: Emerson says:

Also I’ve been worried about recycled.. I do feel sad for him aometimes. I feel bad like he will remember me as a crazy bitc# and I feel sad ;(

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:09am
186: Daria says:

Rebecca – personally i’ve always been beautiful.

and i never got attention from boys growing up, i felt like a loser.

then occasional attention abt bein sexy but still was guy buddy girl/ best friend of girl they liked

now i get super mega attention i mean SUPER MEGA ATTENTION !

and you know what … when i feel shut down… i get no attention again

when i feel good about me… i get THE WHOLE STREET LITERALLY STARING!

its such an incredible power that something like conventional looks has the tiniest to do with it

its more like a LIVENESS that comes and kinda LIVES and moves and EXPRESSES my body

its like taking a crash dummy and moving it sensually, hypnotically

it SINGS!!!

its really all in the energy, in the way i hold myself and express myself in my body and face

that makes me beautiful

cuz sometimes i look all boy-man too in this same body

i feel sad and insecure about that

i want to love myself with for and about that

looking like a boy sometimes

or like a tired hard woman

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:36am
187: Daria says:

life is movin me in a special direction

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:49am
188: Daria says:

“Are you struggling with your Niche?

5
Share

If you’ve been in business for more than five minutes… or you’ve been thinking about starting your own business, you’ve probaby heard you should have a “niche.”

(A niche is an identifiable specialty– an area of expertise for a specific group of people.)

“Helping people get what they want” doesn’t count as a niche. The 16 year old cashier at McDonald’s does that.

And if you’re a coach, healer, teacher, artist, product seller or service professional who doesn’t know your niche, there’s a very good reason… Choosing a niche sucks!!!!

Anyone who tells you that choosing a niche is easy is either

Lying
On crack, or
Has no idea what it’s like to be you.
You might as well ask me, “which arms and legs would you like us to cut off?” as to ask me what my niche is.

Surprised?

A niche is not who you are or all you do. That’s what makes it hard to choose.

And here’s the MILLION DOLLAR SECRET to take the pain away:

Your niche is the VEHICLE that brings your people to you.

That’s all it is. Once your people find you, you can be EVERYTHING you are, and give them EVERYTHING you have to give them.

I have this conversation on a daily basis.

With clients.

With friends.

With myself.

We human beings buy what we WANT, not what we need.

So take a look at what YOU have that your people WANT. That’s where you’ll find your niche.

It’s often so obvious you’ll never see it.

For instance, I have this friend who has this amazing talent for making men fall in love with her. Effortlessly. Unintentionally. All the time. You think there might be a market for that skill? And yet for the last six months she’s been tearing her hair out trying to come up with a coaching niche. Are you kidding me?

(I’m curious to see if she takes my advice, and creates a program to teach women what she knows about being irresistible to love. I’ll keep you posted.)

The best way to attract your ideal client, so you can have a deep relationship and give them the big picture transformation you want to provide… is to understand and OFFER THEM ONLY ONE THING THEY WANT, FIRST.

Your niche is only the portal.

Take my “money” niche, for example. I don’t give financial advice. I won’t tell you where to invest. I won’t crunch your numbers. I’m famously sloppy at arithmetic. Money isn’t nearly as interesting to me as love, happiness, and healing.

And yet I’m one of the most well known, well-respected, and successful wealth coaches in the world. New success stories come in every day.

Which begs the question, “how did I get here?”

I listen to what my people want from me.

How it began: when I wrote my first article about Financial Alchemy, the response was so overwhelming–like a tsunami, really–that I knew my niche had chosen me. I remember thinking, “Hmmm! I guess this is what the universe wants from me.” And I’ve been very, very fortunate that my client results have validated my accidental niche.

And that begs the question…

WHAT NICHE IS CHOOSING YOU? Are you listening?

Paying attention to what’s choosing you… that’s what’s going to make your niche EASY. And I like easy.

And you still get to be all of who you are. You just don’t name it in your niche. Your niche is just the beginning of the journey.

Most of my people think they want money. And that’s groovy.

But money is just frosting. IMPORTANT frosting. They get to have the frosting.

Underneath the frosting is the BIG CAKE. The cake is everything they ever wanted– love, health, happiness, purpose.

Get it?

We’re ALL in the cake business, deep down… but our people buy our cakes based on the frosting.

Your niche is your frosting. Make it sweet.”

“Morgana Rae is an internationally acclaimed life coach, speaker and author,
and she’s regarded to be the world’s top Relationship with Money coach.
She has guided thousands of clients around the world to be business and money
magnets,to have more fun at work and more love at home, and to create a total life of ease,
flow, and synchronicity. Access her FREE VIDEO SERIES at http://www.MoneyMagnetVideoGift.com.”

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:06am
189: Rebecca says:

Daria ~ I do feel good in myself but I feel I am just responding to how the react around me.

For example, when people seem to be in a hurry to get away from you and two minutes later you see them engaged in conversation with someone else.

Does this make sense? My opinion has formed from the way people have responded to me…

I don’t know if that makes sense.

Like I’ve had friends over the years and sometimes I sense that I am not glamourous for them. They seem to glow in my prescence and I seem to be the fat and frumpy one wanting to disappear..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:43am
190: Daria says:

“Don’t worry too much about what other people will say. Don’t talk about it with other people until you feel sure enough of yourself and your choices to be safe when questioned. Don’t push yourself into a position of explaining something that you can’t yet put into words.”

schuyler

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:51am
191: Daria says:

Rebecca – yeah! thats exactly how i used to feel and would feel around my friends!

i NEVER got attention…

then over a couple of years, same friends same me same body…

now its like WOW !!! and all the attention goes to me! even aroudn the same friends!!!!

except for when i feel shut down in myself – the attention goes to them again

that “responding to them” is just the set past pattern…

its what i practice shifting in the moment and w practice it starts changing and becoming a new better normal

now IM the one knowing for getting all the attention!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:54am
192: Daria says:

Love Note of the Week:

Accidental love is not romantic, it is dysfunctional. Create love on purpose and get the love you truly deserve.

“We are all fed the myth that romantic love is accidental from movies, books, songs, and fairy tales. It is time to let go of the myth of accidental love. The only love that shows up when you are not looking is the same dysfunctional love you’ve been experiencing so far. It is time to break the pattern and get a new kind of love, one that reflects back your love of self. ”

We are here to support you on your path to love.

Love and Abundance,

Orna and Matthew

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:22am
193: Daria says:

Rebecca – a lot of it for me has to do with body language

if i can LEAN BACK on my back foot and my heels and hold my head up like a rose on a stem and OPEN my heart and body and smile

then i get magnetic

i can do this easily when i am feeling good and remember to do it

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:26am
194: Slippin' Goddess says:

Ohhh I let myself down yesterday.. I think..

I was textin askin bout the car and he sent me a one word answer of “Nyt” when he’d usually send a sweet lil good night text.. One word texts really trigger me!! It’s the same as the “Ta” text the other day. Argh!

So I flipped and sent “Feel angry getting oone word replies! Doen’t make me feel loved at all. “Nyt!”

Oops.. He replied “Stop being daft, I’ve just finished work, sorry if I havnt got any essay to write you! Dont know why you’re ‘angry’ ”

and that was it..

He’s on twitter this morning putting loadsa things on..

Didn’t even acknowledge me putting something on his facebook yesterday acknowledging the holiday.. and being appreciative of him doing it has meant he’s barely text me back..

I’ve leaned forward far too much.. Rarr!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:43am
195: Rebecca says:

Daria ~ what I find really strange is that I ‘do’ feel really good in myself (or maybe its a veil and deep down I don’t? Hmmm… Ponderous thought…) hnmm… Reframe.. Maybe I am trying to act like I feel good about myself.. Hmmm… It’s that whole inner slob thing… Arrgghhh I need to work on this… So difficult..

It’s weird because my mum is larger than me and has bags of confidence and people just love her. Though she is taller than me. I alwys feel like I still have the body of a teenager .. I didn’t quite develope into a woman because my body shape never changed from age 16… Oh god I sound so shallow complaining..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:56am
196: Tam says:

@154 Heart, awkward, that’s the vibe MrU and I left it at too…I just disappeared from the scene and now I saw that POF crappy profile, I ain’t coming back onto it either…. even more awkward vibes now with me posting on fb about new love and life…hehe
I see he stopped dead posting German things on our common friends page, just kind of a depressed vibe going on from him. Maybe I am imagining, but in any case: whatever.
I do find that time does remove the ‘awkward’ somewhat…and leaning back and moving on…and that’s when manboys come and get ya again..so watch out for that

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:59am
197: Slippin' Goddess says:

Plus he’s supposed to be bringing me the car today ad yet just read he’s doing things, going the gym and then to work.. ??? ..and I’ve not even heard from him this morning..

Great, that space did us really good didnt it! Argh

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:04am
198: Dancing Siren says:

Good Morning Sirens.

Today I am finding it a litle tricky balancing holding my boundaries and not asking the innocent question.

What I mean is my boyfriend decided to go to a therapist after I said I didn’t want to be in a relationship where there were past addiction issues if the person was not seeing a therapist.

He said he wanted to see someone and he wants to be with me and he found someone and arranged appointments. That was about 1 month ago and he has been to 1 appointment, and he missed a couple due to circumstances.

Anyway, today he is due to go again. And he asked me to come over tonight.

Well I strongly feel that I don’t want to go over until I see that he is keeping his appointment.

Ok, that isn’t a feeling.

So the feeling is unsure.

And the boundary is what I said above…

So I asked him ‘are you still seeing your therapist later?’

He said yes, although it was a little unclear to me whether the appointment is confirmed or not.

I then dropped it.

I feel a bit uncomfortable commuincating around this.

How do I check if he saw her later without asking the question?

Do you have any feedback for me on this?

Thanks.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:12am
199: Rebecca says:

In the last relationship I had I felt really loved and I didn’t feel fat and frumpy at all. I want to feel like that again. I want to feel happy and relaxed and not judged. Like Daria says I want to feel like that with EVERYONE!! Oh joy…

My 3 CDs at the moment are huge fitness freaks. They are super fit and this is probably why I like them.

CD1 is very tall and athletic and has recently given up alcohol and has a very healthy diet as well as doing lots of exercise

CD2 is very lean too and is into running and yoga and is very, very fit healthy and again doesn’t drink.

CD3 is again very fit. Goes to the gym a lot, goes swimming, boxing, eats healthily etc. Though he does drink alcohol.

Me on the other hand… Mmmmm seeing why I might be feeling so much angst about this..

Previous boyfriend: we had a very simillar level of fitness. In fact think he thought I was quite sporty and fit. He was quite fit went running etc, but he enjoyed eating out and he was a big drinker… Hmmm maybe thats why I felt more comfortable with him.., ah ha….!!! Light bulb…

Now, how can I feel comfortable around everybody…?!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:35am
200: Slippin' Goddess says:

Well I spoke to him on the phone nd said “Thought you were bringing the car today?” He said erm I was I was just about to text you. I said Id seen on his twitter he was busy all day.

He said “FUCK OFF and WALK”

He’s text saying Leave him alone, he’s had enough. Can’t do anything right and I’m never going to change.
I rang and he put the phone down.

Said leave me alone!

Now he’s said thats it, its over and hes deleted e off facebook and said he’ll drop my stuff off weekend.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:41am
201: Slippin' Goddess says:

Well I spoke to him on the phone nd said “Thought you were bringing the car today?” He said erm I was I was just about to text you. I said Id seen on his twitter he was busy all day.

He said “FCK OFF and WALK”

He’s text saying Leave him alone, he’s had enough. Can’t do anything right and I’m never going to change.
I rang and he put the phone down.

Said leave me alone!

Now he’s said thats it, its over and hes deleted e off facebook and said he’ll drop my stuff off weeken

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:46am
202: Francesca says:

Dancing Siren, you could just “assume” that he went and ask him how the appointment went.

You can then take it from there, depending on what he says.

Although, no offense but trying to control your man’s every single move feels very masculine to me, it’s getting into his business too much, me thinks.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:48am
203: Francesca says:

Slippin’ Goddess, wow…

I don’t think I could put up with being told what he told you (F OFF AND WALK).

I think I would walk.

I don’t think you deserve being treated that way.

No one deserves that kind of treatment.

It sounds awfully rude and childish to me.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:52am
204: Slippin' Goddess says:

He said he might speak to me later as he could kill me right now..

and “Oh I’ve blocked you from all my accounts so you can stop giving me headaches over stupid things!!”

Nice.

Then

“Now Im not going to get anything done all day because Im just lying here feeling guilty.. OVER FKN WHAT?!”

Breathe.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:55am
205: Dancing Siren says:

Francesca,

Thanks.

I am not trying to control his every move.

I just know that I don’t want to spend time with him if he is not seeing someone.

This is my boundary.

Is that masculine? – Just curious?

xoxox

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:55am
206: Rebecca says:

Sirens ~ could I ask your advice. This guy who is really into me. Keeps texting me etc… But I think he wants serious relationship – has just come, by accident, back into my life.

He keeps hinting for me to go out with him, though not an actual date.

I do NOT find him attractive, but I also find that I feel very, very bored in his prescence though he is very, very nice and sweet.

Would I be leading him on if I went out with him?? I don’t know if I could put up with him for a whole day either and that’s how long it would be??

Also, it makes me feel that I am sad and desperate that I am even thinking of spending time with this man when I find it so super difficult,

I have fallen asleep in his prescence before because I was sooooo bored…

Argh.. What shall I do? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:59am
207: Francesca says:

Rebecca @199

“Now, how can I feel comfortable around everybody…?!”

I firmly believe that if you can accept your body, hair, etc., just the way they are, then you can be comfortable around everybody.

If, on the other hand, you don’t fully accept how you look, then you certainly can do something to improve what you don’t like, even if you never get to the point where you can say “wow, everything seems perfect now and I am exactly where I should be”.

In any case, this is exactly where you should be since there is no other space than your own body to fill.

I also believe most people who are buff are NEVER truly satisfied with their body but will accept it nonetheless.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:01am
208: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess you are too laser focussed on him and what he says. What the heck if he wants to use one word texts? It’s his phone. Now you have to really lean back, even in your mind. The anger is coming out and this is good.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:07am
209: Rebecca says:

Francesca ~ thanks – i think my main problem is, is that I am always changing my mind.

One minute I want to be super healthy and fit and only eat the right foods etc, exercise everyday etc

Then I will have a relapse and just go back to my bad old ways of self indulging myself whenever I feel the urge…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:08am
210: Slippin' Goddess says:

I know.
Is it really good?
He’s blocked me from all his accounts and said it’s over.
It doesn’t feel good to me.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:10am
211: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren your keep repeating what you said to Francesca but you keep seeing him and him alone

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:12am
212: Francesca says:

Dancing Siren,

No, I don’t feel that what you’re wanting is too masculine.

I get that you want to be with someone who’s healthy and responsible enough to treat their own body and mind as if it were a temple.

Also, sorry if I made it sound like I felt you were controlling his every move.

It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard for some people to actually come to terms with health problems, be it physical or psychological.

It can be tough for some people to step out of their confort zone and engage into a totally new process.

Maybe he’s afraid of what he will find if he goes on with these appointments?

Is it something you think you could ask him?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:13am
213: Slippin' Goddess says:

He says “Cant you see how fragile you’ve made me, You’ve broke me and I’ve had enough!”

I didn’t even think what I said was that bad. I only asked about the car and said on Twitter I’d seen he was busy and hadn’t heard from him. Bloody he11.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:13am
214: Femininewoman says:

Francesca/Slippi Goddes he was angry. Many men are afraid of their own anger. I would deal with his when he comes back but right now SG needs to sink into her feelings and start scripting. Maybe LoveScripts would help if you have it SG.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:17am
215: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca tell him youfeel wary of just falling into a reLationship. You want proper dates and to be courted properly

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:20am
216: Francesca says:

Rebecca,

May I suggest you start with baby steps?

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, do what you can, see how far you can go and then work with that.

You don’t have to be perfect right away, it’s almost impossible to do that.

Relapses are ok, as long as you pick up your good habits as soon as you see you have taken a step in the “wrong” direction.

Maybe find a picture of someone whose body appeals to you (something doable) and pin it on your mirror or fridge and set your goal according to that.

I believe that as soon as you see how much your body is changing, you’ll be encouraged to continue with your routine.

I know I am.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:21am
217: Slippin' Goddess says:

I’ve didn’t reply to the last few texts. I let him vent and left it.
It’s been half an hour after all the anger came out and he’s just text saying

“Why do you feel the need to jump all the time SG? …Seriously? xx”

I don’t have it FW. I am short of cash at the moment but I may buy it when I can. I’m sure it would help.
He does seem very angry and as he said. Fragile.
He seems so different off the drugs or maybe it’s the tools and advice you are giving aswell. This is all new, he seems more emotional.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:22am
218: Francesca says:

Oh, yes, and find something you REALLY enjoy doing, not something you’ll get bored with after a week or something.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:23am
219: Francesca says:

FW, he may be angry but I don’t think it’s any reason for him to snap at her like that.

He had agreed about the car and changed his mind without consulting SG.

I know I don’t accept my man snapping at me and I tell him that I don’t like being spoken to that way.

But yes, SG, you should lean back and give him more space now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:27am
220: Slippin' Goddess says:

He’s probably calming down and realising he’s just deleted and blocked his own girlfriend.. I’m sure that would end the relationship on there as well. Heavy.

I felt anxious at first. Now I’m feeling more relaxed. I feel from his texts he’s feeling guilty. I can sense now he’s tried to text and add kisses he’s calmed down and is trying to come back.
I feel shocked and empty inside. I have a funny tingly feeling in my stomach. I’m not used to this.
Maybe I shouldn’t have felt angry over a one word text. Maybe I shouldn’t have been bothered that he was supposed to bring the car but then didn’t get in touch and put on twitter the other things he was doing. I’m human though. I didn’t expect him to flip like that. Jeez.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:28am
221: Slippin' Goddess says:

I didnt reply to the kisses text so he’s put

“Ok then! In a bit!!”

Sheesh.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:31am
222: Slippin' Goddess says:

I feel like that’s his control.
He uses the “It’s over” “In a bit!” Etc to get me to respond.

It does make me feel queasy and make me want to respond as I’m anxious about the next nasty things he’s going to send to try and hurt me.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:33am
223: Francesca says:

SG, how long have you two been together?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:34am
224: Slippin' Goddess says:

16 months Franscesca x

When he was angry he sent texts saying “Get somebody else to take you on holiday” Etc. Etc.
It’s making me feel so insecure as I don’t know what’s going on from day to day. He can just snap and “end it”at any moment.

I feel dizzy.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:36am
225: Slippin' Goddess says:

Do I respond? What do I say.
I’m still shocked. Phew.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:43am
226: Slippin' Goddess says:

I feel shocked. I feel numb. I don’t want to feel this way.
I felt anxious and I didn’t like that feeling, it made me lean forward.
I feel confused as to what step to take next.
My heart feels heavy. I feel hopeful this is a forward step in some way and not a back.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:49am
227: Francesca says:

SG, when he tells you things like that, this is a great opportunity for you to use FMs, as I’m sure you do.

It seems to me that he can’t handle pressure very well. Am I right?

But then again, you are not responsible for his feelings and the way he answers you.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:54am
228: Francesca says:

SG, will he let you use the car?

If so, tell him how you appreciate his gesture.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:56am
229: Slippin' Goddess says:

Yes. Even his mother says he can’t handle ‘life’.
He is always stressed. He tries to please everyone and impress everyone and so brings the stress on himself.

I feel so dizzy it’s like we’re going round in circles.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:58am
230: Francesca says:

There’s nothing much that you can say right now, except thank you.

I guess it’d be better for you to let this blow over.

Let him calm down and by the same token, give yourself some time to calm down.

Then you can discuss this face to face, once your feelings (yours and his) are at a better place.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:58am
231: Slippin' Goddess says:

I said “I feel shocked and numb. I’m trying to process everything that just happened.”

He replied “Oh here we go ‘victim time’, Im trying to process why you just keep pickin at things the way you do”

He seems to think me using feeling messages is me playing ‘the victim’.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:00am
232: Heart says:

Tam – *sigh* I miss him…but this situation is beyond pointless.

(((SG)))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:06am
233: Francesca says:

SG, just drop it for now.

I think we both can see he’s not in a good place atm.

Let him drop the car, thank him and get busy with your own day.

This is not something you can settle this morning.

You are both too raw and things could get even more nasty.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:07am
234: Femininewoman says:

He might SG but keep sticking with your feelings. Also you dont have to share all of them. He is angry it is what it is. You are learning a new way and he has to learn it also. Stick with it feels/I feel, I dont want what do you think. He is entitled to his anger.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:09am
235: Rebecca says:

FW ~ I don’t want to date him. I know I don’t fancy him. I have no desire to hold his hand or kiss him. It would be strictly friendship – but would it be good to practise the tools with these men too?

As I understand it Rori says practise with all men. So it would be good practise for me. Or is it leading him on when I know he might get hurt if I don’t want more.

Also with these men I end up being extra, extra nice with them and I enf up sorting out their entire love lives because I am so bored in their company I enf up digging amd digging with them and they give me little back. I then end up getting all passive aggressive with then because I am resentful that I am putting so much effort into them…

Hmm…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:10am
236: Slippin' Goddess says:

Oh he won’t be dropping the car, he’s in work in an hour and lives an hour away. He planned other things to do and didn’t bother telling me. Well he put on twitter he’d planned other things but apparently hadn’t. God knows I’m confused. Same old behaviour. Anyway I’m playing the victim if I’m bothered by that.

You’re right. Leave it for now. We probably won’t get anywhere. If we didn’t have to do all this through bloody texts we might not go round in circles all the time.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:12am
237: Femininewoman says:

Men know when they are being jerks. He will likely pull back and upgrade himself. Believe all this is coming from a place inside himself that is screamng to be loved.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:13am
238: Rebecca says:

I don’t know why but his text go right through me. I am scared to say no to him..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:14am
239: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca yes. It is easier to practice on men we are not invested in. The tools boost our self esteem and we get a better sense or ourselveas.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:17am
240: Slippin' Goddess says:

I hope so FW. My feelings are all over the place and I’m confused about the steps to take for fear for doing the wrong thing.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:17am
241: Francesca says:

Oh, sorry SG, I thought I understood that he was going to let you use the car.

And you’re right about texting, it can definitely lead to major misundertandings.

It’s been brought up many times here before.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:18am
242: Rebecca says:

I have anger towards this guy and I know it’s about me, and not about him..

I feel he is so domineering.. It’s not what he says it’s what he doesn’t say..

Why do i feel like this around him… Its so frustrating…..

Sorry I’m spamming the blog..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:24am
243: Slippin' Goddess says:

242. Rebecca

Feel free. If I didn’t spam the blog I might have gone insane by now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:27am
244: Francesca says:

Rebecca, sometimes when something about someone bothers us, it’s often because there is something about ourselves that resembles that.

I’m not saying you’re domineering but it might be something worth exploring.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:27am
245: Rebecca says:

I feel scared… Like I am his prey… Yikes… I feel tight in ny chest. I need to work through these feelings…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:28am
246: Tam says:

@ Heart, do you CD?

I never like doing it at first and then find it does help. Sometimes. Sometimes it just wears me out and makes me think of MrU more. But when you have a good CD it’s a nice distraction…

no situation is pointless or hopeless…there’s at least something to be learnt, even if it doesn’t develop. But you never know, life is full of surprises…..I do find that when I give up, they re-appear with full force…men and opportunities. When I hunt things down they disappear over the horizon, so I am going to experimenting not hunting things and people down….

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:30am
247: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca you “think” he is domineering. The way to go is to question that thought – in Byron Katie style.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:30am
248: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca you “think” he is domineering

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:31am
249: Femininewoman says:

The way to go Rebecca is to question that “thought” – in Byron Katie style.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:32am
250: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca you “think” he is domineering. The way to go is to question that thought – in Byron Katie style.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:33am
251: Rebecca says:

Francesca ~ I think you are spot on. I feel resentful because men who I like aren’t ‘there’ for me, so I feel resentful about being ‘there’ for him… And dealing with all his issues, and helping him, and giving him love and attention and caring for him. That in a nutshell is the story of my life..

I am always the ‘carer’ the one that cares about everybody. I want somebody to care about me and make me feel like a goddess and all sparkly and alive when I am around them.

Instead I just end up feeling drained and low..

If I give into him I will feel angry because no-one gives into me… Gosh does that make me sound childish or what??? Whah whah whah!!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:33am
252: Femininewoman says:

SG – Even his mother says he can’t handle ‘life’.

If he experiences you this way he is likely to kick back. I believe you have to be different. When he comes toward you again I would tell him I know he is a good man and will do the right thing when he is ready. Also you are there if he wants to talk. There are times when we just have to listen at Level 2 and nod our heads.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:38am
253: Rebecca says:

FW ~ he centres ALL his attention on me and I end up over functioning…

He is always checking I am okay and offering me advice etc.. I actually really don’t know why he annoys me. I guess I just sense that he is doing all these things for me because he wants something back from me and I feel manipulated.

At the same time I understand that we are all the same and we all want love and attention.

I don’t dislike him. He is very nice. And I deperately want him to be happy…

Lol, I really don’t know why I feel like this – it is so frustrating…

It’s just he can’t go a sentence without asking me out or hinting at it.

Hmmm… I think it may be a mirror to my own needs and behaviour.. I am stuck in such a rut of viscious circles…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:40am
254: Slippin' Goddess says:

241 Francesca – No, no car. That’s the least of my worries now. Yeah, textings a nightmare. That’s why I was sop eager to speak to him on the phone. He wouldn’t have it though, the more I said that the more he felt I was just chasing him and would send me a barrage of nasty texts instead. It’s hopeless.

249 Femininewoman – I guess so. Thank you. So hard when feeling angry and upset about what he’s done to tell him he’s a good man and I’m here if he needs to talk. It feels like I’m ‘letting him off’ for behaviours that I don’t want from him.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:44am
255: Rebecca says:

Sorry I should add he is a total Alpha Male as well. He has a very strong personality and seems to be ‘right’ about everything.

He only asks me questions on subjects he is interested in..

Yaaaa…. I sound like such a horrible person saying all this. He is a nice and polite bloke and is only trying to be friendly towards me. Why am I being so horrible…

I need to Sink into my feelings and process this…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:45am
256: Francesca says:

SG, I wouldn’t say it’s hopeless.

I feel that if you both take time to settle down, you’ll get to a place where you are both more opened to really listen to what you both have to say, without judging or snapping at each other.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:53am
257: Femininewoman says:

RE 114 – i just ignore those ‘men believe’ this and that about late nite rules

I have heard on Reconnect your Relationship Rori advising women not to bring men to their homes on the first date because after that it is too difficult to establish boundaries. I have read her advising not to go their home. I have read on dating sites advice about dating safely.

I understand it to not be about rules but about loving yourself and taking care of yourself in the way that feels right to an individual. I have never seen advice about throwing caution to the wind when it comes to meeting strangers. I don’t believe that is self loving. Strangers or friends can possibly do the unthinkable so I encourage everyone to tae care of themselves.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:56am
258: Femininewoman says:

SG I never said anything about letting him off. When he is opening to talking then you can tell him you don’t want to be spoken to ———-. At that time I believe he will also be open to listening. Remember at that time he will be the one approaching you. His anger will have settled and he will be wondering if yours have settled also.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:00am
259: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I might be wrong but I believe his message might be look at yourself and see how you are pushing away intimacy.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:03am
260: Slippin' Goddess says:

So after the text about me being the victim and him processing why I have to pick at things all the time. Which I haven’t replied to.

Do I just lean back now and do nothing. No reply?

Or send something saying I’m here when he needs to talk?

I dunno..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:06am
261: Femininewoman says:

Starla – I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

This feels really good reading it. The thought came to mind “and hopefully you will allow everyone else around you to do and be the same”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:09am
262: Femininewoman says:

He is at work right? If so then the timing would definitely be off.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:10am
263: Femininewoman says:

The more limited, the more narrowly egoic the view of yourself, the more you will see, focus on, and react to the egoic limitations, the unconsciousness in others. Their faults, or what you perceive as their faults, become to you their identity. This means you will see only the go in them and thus strengthen the ego in yourself. Instead of looking “through” the ego in others, you are looking “at” the ego. Who is looking at the ego? The ego in you. Eckhart Tolle in “Peace in the Present Moment”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:14am
264: Pamelala says:

Ugh I was so forward-leaning and self-depricatingly insecure with KMan last night. That was not the best way to leave things before I go on vacation.

I felt so off and clingy.

Today, I’m leaning back. Tomorrow, I’m leaning back…but I really just want to be kissing him and lying in his arms. It’s going to be tough to be present with my vacation, but it would be ridiculous to be all piney over him while I’m gone. I’m going to focus on pouring goodness into my mom’s day while I’m with her and enjoying my friends. Then, I’ll receive goodnight kisses over the phone and let KMan be.

Still, I can’t wait to come back to him. *sigh* I’m such a girl.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:14am
265: Femininewoman says:

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than the little me you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus becomne one with it rather than separate yourself from it. Then out of your alertness would come a response. Who you are (consiousness), not who you think you are (a small me), would be responding. It would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation into an enemy. Eckhart Tolle in “Peace in the Present Moment”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:20am
266: Tam says:

@ FW, that’s beautiful and something to make us ponder….about inner peace. My work is to try and make the inner peace less dependent on other people. I can’t help but feeling elated when people are nice to me and down in the dumps when I feel lonely and like nobody cares, or when people are not so nice. Men and CD also have the power to cheer me up or make me feel bad. I do not want my inner peace to be thrown into turmoil by outside factors, I am really wanting to make it come from the inside. It’s work.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:26am
267: Rebecca says:

FW re: fear of intamacy… I just feel like a sad loser who is so desperate for love they will sleep with anybody just to feel good about myself and loved… Hmpf…?? I need to process this…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:32am
268: Femininewoman says:

Tam I am reading that book. I remember Rori recommending it somewhere.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:32am
269: Femininewoman says:

SG I believe this might help you. I would read the whole thread.

When you can separate out that anger from the simple truth of who that person is and the reality of what you’re dealing with – and learn to TALK about that with him – in the way we’re all working here – and in the way you did, Daria, in that fabulous Free Therapy date you had in the car – you’ll see that there is no “fuck you” about this. You see yourself becoming activated, and you process it through, and then you work at seeing the man in the light of WHAT IS – the reality of the situation, the basic simplicity of it – rather than through the lens of your triggered anger

When we make the man about what’s going on with ourselves when we’re triggered – the man becomes a kind of EXTENSION of ourselves.
And when a man becomes some kind of extension of ourselves, and then the energy of anger kicks in – we become self-centered in a very different way than we’re working toward here.
This self-centered way is the way of PROTECTION. This is shutting down your heart and going with the easiest feeling, instead of going down inside and finding the REAL feelings.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/self-respect-or-protection-which-is-it/#respond

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:33am
270: Femininewoman says:

SG this thread might help you if you read the whole thing.

When we make the man about what’s going on with ourselves when we’re triggered – the man becomes a kind of EXTENSION of ourselves.
And when a man becomes some kind of extension of ourselves, and then the energy of anger kicks in – we become self-centered in a very different way than we’re working toward here.
This self-centered way is the way of PROTECTION. This is shutting down your heart and going with the easiest feeling, instead of going down inside and finding the REAL feelings.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/self-respect-or-protection-which-is-it/#respond

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:35am
271: Femininewoman says:

This one too Slippin Goddess

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/anger-makes-more-love-when-you-do-it-this-way/

Let’s flip that one around to – “It’s very hard to love WITHOUT anger.” In other words, if anger is a human emotion, and it’s a reaction to hurt, pain, disappointment and fear – if it’s a powerful energy that can be used for GOOD in this world – then DENYING it, shoving it aside, deriding it, making it a not-good thing is like cutting off your hand. It makes you less whole. It makes you not whole.
Loving your anger creates the possibility of loving WHEN angry. This creates the possibility of loving someone ELSE’S anger. This enables a soft blanket of Safety to envelop the relationship.
So that, instead of seeing your man (or woman’s) anger as “in-the-way-of-love” – you see it as a step TOWARD love.
The anger itself is golden, is merely a feeling, energy to be embraced and freed and used – the question is – always WHAT TO DO WITH IT…
And that, Reshi – is your question. What do I do with my anger?
And the answer is simple – it’s YOUR anger. It belongs to you. You OWN it.
And if you will allow yourself to experience it – no matter how irrational it seems to you – as RIGHTEOUS – perhaps not in the setting of reality or what’s really going on, but in the setting of your internal workings and triggerings – and honor it anyway…you’ll find new ways to experience it and to talk about it.
There’s nothing so powerful in a relationship as anger expressed as love. “I SHARE this with you, and I know that it belongs to me, it’s MY feeling, it’s part of MY system, and that because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:36am
272: Pamelala says:

FW, I just want to say that I really appreciate you, your wisdom and your ability to find posts and articles on any and every topic in order to help others process what’s going on with them. You are quite a gift to this community.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:41am
273: Femininewoman says:

“Whenever someone isn’t happy with us, we’re triggered. It’s a big deal. We feel bad, then we get angry, then we try to make sense and talk people out of their opinions and feelings so we can regain our view of ourselves that we’re comfortable with- and the truth is – life is SO much better if we can let all that go.

I appreciate you all and how much you’re contributing here and to each other – every single time we put ourselves out there, we chance drawing in a negative word and energy – and this is so a part of life for us to learn to accept.

I saw, on the Huffington Post about a month ago, a letter from Deepak Chopra in response to a slam he’d gotten from some well-known writer in a well-known magazine. I was pretty shocked – not because of anything he said, but because he even BOTHERED to answer this woman publicly.

Here was Deepak Chopra – DEFENDING himself!

So – when I saw that, I realized we are, none of us, ever going to get rid of that first bad feeling and impulse to defend ourselves when someone doesn’t like something we’ve done or said. It’s how we notice our reactions, and what we do that determines where we go from there – to another level of accepting ourselves and peace, or back a few steps into letting our Nasty Voice have its way with us.” Love Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:44am
274: Femininewoman says:

Pamelala thanks. I feel loved and hugged by your comment. You know how they say share what you love? I love reading. And I believe Rori is on to something that needs to be shared with the whole world.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:45am
275: Jilly says:

Feminine Woman…I also feel so appreciative of you!

and you happen to be adding posts for SG…but I feel they are really relevant for me right now…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:49am
276: Jilly says:

ok speaking of triggers…

ahhhhh….I’m feeling super triggered and could use some feedback…

so last night at school I took my exit exam…and I was just hoping to pass…well…I got 100%!!!!! it was 200 questions and I seriously could NOT believe it!

So I texted Rugby Man to share my excitement and good news at 830 pm ….AND I did not hear from him until 630 am when he sent his good morning text….

this feels weird to me and “off”…I don’t know how to respond…I don’t want to pretend everything is ok…but I know I am going to start my period in 2 days so I might be extra sensitive…

what would be a good feeling message here????

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:53am
277: Femininewoman says:

Jilly what did he say?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:55am
278: Jilly says:

I’m feeling shut down and having so many conversations in my head…

like…ok I leaned forward…I didn’t think I was expecting anything…but I rarely do it…but it makes me not want to AT ALL!!! If I received a text from him like that I would want to respond and share in the excitement…

awww…I feel sad…and then I feel mad for feeling sad! Like NO f&ck that! I got 100%!!! and I felt excited and happy and if I can’t share that with him…what am I doing???? Yep…I’m definitely hormonal because I’m taking it all the way there…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:59am
279: Jilly says:

FW he said….

good morning baby congrats on your test, that’s awesome! did you do a victory dance? I would’ve

so he was definitely responding but not til this morning…and that feels weird…even thought I know he is working out in colorado on a fire right now but he is in aviation and they don’t work that late

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:01am
280: Femininewoman says:

Jilly what did he say? How did he respond?

Are you feeling shut down because you believe he ignored you?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:03am
281: Tam says:

@ Jilly, I’d have done and felt pretty similar to what you describe. I would have ‘expected’ a reply too…those expectations….if we have to think twice before sharing something that is important to us and makes us happy, with someone we like or even love – what has the world come to?!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:05am
282: Femininewoman says:

Ok. Your focus is on the past. You are making your relationship about your need for urgency. Him responding at the time you decided he should. Are you suggesting that you have to control everything? He does not get to choose his actions, even when he is away from you?

Can you focus on what might be love in his words? Remember whatever you focus on grows.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:06am
283: Jilly says:

FW…yes I feel ignored and brushed off

I realize he could have been very busy…

I feel confused…is this where I stay with my feelings and express how I feel? Or do I not because I’m the one who leaned forward?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:08am
284: Femininewoman says:

Your shut down feelings, the expectations are you navigating yourself and becoming aware. I believe a Mel type feeling message would be the best kind in this situation if you are going to share any. Share what you notice about yourself and own it as your stuff.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:09am
285: Pamelala says:

Awww Jilly,

I understand how your might feel, but the fires really are bad in CO. I’d imagine that he was exhausted after working all day to get things under control…there were record highs and crazy winds. I don’t mean to minimize what you’re feeling, but you might say,

“I feel proud of myself and would feel so much joy to be doing a victory dance in your arms.” or some such thing.

I think it’s important to assume the best unless he shows you otherwise. If he has a pattern of putting you off that’s one thing, but it seems like this was an unusual circumstance. Does that feel true to you?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:09am
286: Femininewoman says:

I would say try scripting here Jilly and I would include stuff like “awww I am such a girl”. Remember he is your sweetie and your friend.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:11am
287: Jilly says:

Tam…yes! if I had just sent a “hey, what’s up?” kinda text (which I NEVER do) then it would feel completely different to me…I still would have felt bad lol but ya….this felt really important and EXCITING!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:12am
288: Femininewoman says:

Feeling ignored and brushed off are feelings from a past event in likely a past relationship that has been triggered.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:13am
289: Jilly says:

FW..ya that’s what I want to do ….thank you for reminding me that he is my sweetie and my friend

Pamelala…thank you…yes I WANT to assume the best…and yes this has not happened before

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:15am
290: Tam says:

@Jilly…what I do in those situations, and especially when I am feeling hormonal (I turn to a hyeana), is to write it down. All the feelings. Write it all out, everything. Sleep over it. Look at it the next day, tweak, reduce by 90% (they are men and need simple sentences..) and if you still want to share, then share.
That is my solution these days, as before when I got angry and sad, I used to throw out the baby with the bath water – so NOT a good idea

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:17am
291: Jilly says:

FW…absolutely!!! this is definitely MY stuff…

k I’m going to try scripting…

but first…I really really really appreciate everyone’s support!!!! I feel a little better already!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:17am
292: Femininewoman says:

Jilly you could also have asked him if he had time to join you in a victory dance before sending the text. That way he would have the space to get back to you. You assumed he was available and was working off the same rhythm you were on. If he did not get back then you would know not to expect anything immediately.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:18am
293: Slippin' Goddess says:

Just received “Do you want that tonight or what? xx”
I assume he means the car.

Feminine woman – I too thank you for the advice and consistent responses you give. You really are amazing and I absorb everything you say. I feel you are helping me along a path in which I may be able to find some light. I thank all the sirens on this blog. I’ve had some great advice and feedback from you all. I have never felt judged even at times when I am judging myself for spamming etc.. That makes me feel happy, welcome and most of all.. safe. I thank you for that. It’s a journey.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:24am
294: Dominique says:

Jilly – Sweetheart. Please breathe. Relax. His text was beautiful, lovely. So he didn’t get back to you until this morning. Maybe he wasn’t able. Maybe a lot of things. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It doesn’t mean he’s doesn’t feel proud of you.

Let those expectations go, and LOVE on what he did give to you which was awesome by the way.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:24am
295: Love Actually says:

((((((203: Slippin’ Goddess))))))

I feel sad this is happening for you today.
It sounds like his need to make you happy is just driving him crazy.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:26am
296: Dominique says:

Slippin’ Goddess – I understand you’ve been through a lot with this man, but I also see a scared woman. And a scared woman has a hard time letting things be, letting go of control. The thing is you don’t really have control over anyone but you.

How about trusting him? Allowing him to come through in his own way on his timetable.

How about apologizing for letting loose on him? One word texts are not a negative. In my view texting feels awkward and impersonal anyway.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:27am
297: Love Actually says:

216: Slippin’ Goddess

I feel hopeful for you.
I wonder if you could say ‘thanks for letting me know how you feel’ if that is true for you in any way.
When you asked about the car, I wonder if he felt that you didn’t trust that he would do what he said he would – is that what he means by ‘jump all the time’?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:33am
298: Slippin' Goddess says:

291. Love Actually – I know. I wish I was an expert on all of this so I could react properly at the time instead of reacting and then asking for advice. Oops. I need to just try and ‘be’. Relax. I’m learning. xx

292. Dominique – Yes, I can relate to that, I guess you’re right Dominique. I’m not perfect and I need to work on me too.
It’s all a learning journey. Thank you xx

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:34am
299: Slippin' Goddess says:

293.

That might possibly be what he means.
I guess what he tells me he is going to do and what he puts on social networking sites are completely different and that’s what confuses me.
I think he puts things to impress others.
He probably means instead of jumping to conclusions then trust him to do as he says.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:36am
300: Love Actually says:

228: Slippin’ Goddess

I notice this same trait in SR, he tries to please everyone and even me – he will promise to do things that are way beyond the scope of time and energy that he has and then disappoint people, feel guilty about it and then lashes out. Uggg!

I feel so sad about this. I wish I knew what to say to make it better for them. So they could find a way to have strong boundaries too. I feel much safer with a man who has strong boundaries. I want to trust when they say they are going to do something that they are not depleting themselves (hah! this is exactly what I need to learn to do better)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:37am
301: Iamabutterfly says:

I was feeling really down on myself yesterday, as may be evidenced in yesterday’s posts. I made the decision to try to be happy. I decided to help with a project I feel passionate about at my Alma Mater last night.

It felt so good to be seen and heard, in a situation where I felt exposed and vulnerable at first. I was feeling happy and talkative by the middle of our hour of work, and made eye contact and smiled with the guy working for a different organization next to us.

He totally responded and came closer to me and looked into my eyes and we small-talked. Even though nothing happened, it felt so good to be noticed.

It felt especially good since another teenie tiny college girl (I’m volumptious. Not fat, just curvy…) was all leaning forward with him. I could tell he liked the attention from her, but the way he responded to me was completely different, in a good way, and it felt so good when I had been feeling sad and angry with myself earlier in the day…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:38am
302: Jilly says:

FW…that is brilliant I will remember that…next time I will ask that feels good to read

Dominique…awww…yes his response this morning was really supportive…ok…I’m breathing and sinking in…letting go…I guess I do equate no response with not caring…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:39am
303: Slippin' Goddess says:

What strikes me is he is really emotional lately. He’s even telling me he feels fragile, stressed and broken.
He’s cried and he has been willing to talk more, although letting his anger out at me as well.

I guess the tools are working. Hopefully good will eventually come from this.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:40am
304: Arrowofthyme says:

@tam 285: that’s what I’ve been doing too! I told my therapist I’m not sure how I’m going to do relationships in real time -because while I’m sorting out my feelings and practicing not being reactive it seems like I can’t say anything right away. Because otherwise I would always just be saying “I feel anxious”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:40am
305: Arrowofthyme says:

Feminine woman: these quotes you leave here are gold. I copy and paste so many of them into my phone for emergencies.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:41am
306: CurvySiren10 says:

Jilly, congrats on such a stellar test score! You are amazing…and I agree with the others on just sorta letting go on this one. His response was sweet and warm~ just not when you “expected” it to arrive.

SG, social media is really NOT good for relationships! Your story is a perfect example of why. Consider pulling away from “watching” his fb and twitter and reading in to everything he says there, and let your communication with him be private, one-on-one. I refuse to get sucked in to that vortex in my relationship and I think it’s a very healthy choice.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:46am
307: Dominique says:

Slippin’ – May I suggest you get out of his head, NOW. You will never know really what’s going on in there, and likely it won’t make much sense even if you could be in there.

Please put your focus back on you., what would make you feel better, what would further your healing.

He’s going to do what he’s going to do, and the only way this will change to ways you prefer, IF this will change, is if you accept him and love him just as he RIGHT NOW.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:46am
308: Slippin' Goddess says:

296: Love Actually

I notice this same trait in SR, he tries to please everyone and even me – he will promise to do things that are way beyond the scope of time and energy that he has and then disappoint people, feel guilty about it and then lashes out. Uggg!

This is exactly him!! He actually text yesterday to say that his daughter had asked could we go to Disney in the US next year and what did I think. I felt scared. We have A LOT on next year if we sort things out and still aren’t on our feet with money.
I didn’t in no way want to say no but I felt scared about his usual sense of urgency and him making more promises and it eventually bringing more stress for everyone, mostly himself.

I replied “It would feel better if you didn’t make any big promises to (ex) just yet, It’s something to discuss ”

He replied “I haven’t made any big promises, don’t worry ”

I am learning. Usually I might have let loose about him making more plans and creating more stress etc. I didn’t. I just sent a feeling message and it seemed fine.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:46am
309: Pamelala says:

SG – sounds like you’re learning! Good job with the FM.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:50am
310: Love Actually says:

261: Femininewoman

I feel weepy reading this.
I feel sooooooo challenged by this.

When I try to ‘accept’ I think I get it confused with ‘accepting’ the behavior rather than the situation in the moment and I end up overloading myself and then I get reactive. sigh.

Thanks for posting this FW

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:50am
311: Slippin' Goddess says:

303: Dominique

Thank you. You’re right! It feels good to be told and given advice as I’m sure without knowledge we can all do things that can be destructive to ourselves/relationships.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:51am
312: Dominique says:

Slippin’ – It’s all part of growing. We don’t know until we do. And then little by little we incorporate what we learn. And life and love change in some wonderful ways.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:55am
313: Slippin' Goddess says:

You know, I didn’t realise I would be posting so long on this blog. I have posted a few times before but then just made up with him and carried on in that cycle. Argue, make up, argue, make up, every so often. Just ignoring the issues that were underneath and not really resolving anything.

I think through using the tools and taking on the advice given on the blog this time, I am actually digging down deep and working through a lot of issues in both the relationship and myself. It feels tough but worthwhile. I’m hopeful. This is such a learning curve.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:04am
314: Dancing Siren says:

FW re 210

I know. And that is because so far he is keeping to his end of the bargain, as far as I know…

I had already decided that I won’t keep seeing him if he doesn’t keep up the appointments, or at least nt exclusively.

But, 3 weeks ago was when he went to his first one. Then the therapist cancelled an appointment because it fell on an extra holiday day (The Queen’s Jubilee) here in the UK. Then he got the time wrong and missed the appointment last week but was still saying he is planning to keep going.

So what would you have suggested I do differently? I intend to only continue exclusivity if he is in therapy. But I have been unsure whether he is or not.

I suppose today is the clincher anyway.

If he doesn’t go today I will end exlusivity with him, and start dating others again.

I am feeling super antsy and nervous right now.

I feel very tense.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:06am
315: Dominique says:

It’s a lifelong process Slippin’ Goddess, and it’s SO worth it. It’s a beautiful journey which does get easier as you go/grow.

How about changing your name to Simply Goddess? Calling yourself Slippin’ may perpetuate this.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:08am
316: Dancing Siren says:

FW re 210

May I ask how you would be handling this situation?

Thanks.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:12am
317: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess I love that name Dominique is suggesting. I asked you twice about the name but you never seemed to have responded. I believe it is time for you to review that.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:14am
318: Simply Goddess says:

Name change

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:16am
319: Arrowofthyme says:

Dominique: ” a scared woman has a hard time letting things be, letting go of control.” Ive just been staring at that line and saying it outloud. Ive been raised to feel scared. It feels like this whole journey of healing has been to emerge from that little space, in my love life and my career. I love this blog.

Ps: rori’s newsletter today is amazing.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:17am
320: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren the way I see it is that you keep saying you feel loved and all these wonderful things but you are not convinced, neither have you convinced me that he is good enough for you. Maybe it is because somewhere deep down you are judging yourself for something that you have not identified and come to terms with but it just seems to me like you are constantly trying to change him.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:18am
321: Owlette says:

Ok I had to change my name from arrowoftime. It’s too phallic. A baby owl feels better.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:20am
322: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren I would like at myself in the mirror and ask myself what do I want? Why am I there? Do I want to deeply surrender or do I want to keep squirming?

I really believe if he turned around and asked you to marry him, you might say yes. But in a few days you would go in a tailspin of panic. I really believe you are still protecting your heart so in Gay Hendricks style you might need to take The Big Leap. Otherwise your programming will always come up with something.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:21am
323: Femininewoman says:

“I would look at myself in the mirror”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:22am
324: Pamelala says:

Dancing Siren,
I think we often get into trouble when we set boundaries based on the actions of others that we are unable to verify without checking up on them. By saying you will end exclusivity if he stops counseling, you rely on his telling you that he has gone and set yourself up to police him. What if, instead, you set the boundary based on how you feel (trusting, safe, cared for) or on behaviors you can see (this would vary based on what you are needing from him). It feels better to me to not require him to self-report his ‘transgressions’ in order for me to make decisions about how my future will look – what do you think?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:23am
325: Simply Goddess says:

I am now.. Simply.. a Goddess

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:23am
326: Slippin' Goddess says:

I’ve changed to Simply Goddess but it is in moderation.
I am now Simply.. a Goddess

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:25am
327: Femininewoman says:

Yayyy SG. It will be out soon.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:27am
328: Love Actually says:

293: Slippin’ Goddess

I feel sad that I mostly don’t get this stuff ‘right’ too.
AND am learning to have grace with myself.
AND, sometimes, feeling grateful to SR for giving me soooooo many opportunities to learn and grow.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:28am
329: Pamelala says:

I wonder if a scared woman can really receive the fullness of what her man is offering her. I feel certain that the answer is no. Hmmm something for me to ponder while I’m away from K.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:29am
330: Love Actually says:

303: Slippin’ Goddess
(((((((Slippin’ Goddess’s Man)))))
((((((SR)))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:32am
331: Love Actually says:

318: Slippin’ Goddess

I feel inspired and warm and smiley!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:36am
332: Femininewoman says:

RE 314 Me too arrowoftheyme. Thank you Dominique for phrasing it that way. It seems to hit my psyche differently than just saying I feel fear or fearful.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:41am
333: Heart says:

Tam – I just simply date….yes it’s good to go out and meet men.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:47am
334: Femininewoman says:

The Way To Keep A Man Is To Let Go Of Him

All this is completely different from letting HIM go! Letting go of a man is really all about letting YOURSELF go.

Think of it this way: You are letting go without even considering what HE’S doing. You are refusing to hold on to anything about this man.

Yes – this is going to feel almost completely the opposite of everything you’ve been taught and told. But I know if you try it you’ll feel better, and you’ll get so much better results with a man.

So, let’s get started with the HOW TO of this – let’s start with a short list of what holding ONTO a man looks like:

You think about him, even when you’re doing something or are somewhere where there are other things to look at and think about
You go from thinking about him to wanting him – like you would a glorious piece of chocolate fudge brownie
You analyze every move he makes and everything he says, and every move you make and everything you say
You initiate contact – calling him, leaning in for a kiss, hugging him, sending emails, texts, cards…
You worry about everything you do and say and everything that happens out of fear it will push him away
There are a bunch more – very subtle things, too – but for now take a look and see if you’re doing any of this.

Spend today noticing if you’re doing any of the things on this list – just notice, and make a list of what you notice, when you notice it, what’s happening. See if you can find a pattern and write that down, too.

Next, we’ll work with how to get out of this awful pattern…

The truth is, when we’re holding onto a man, it’s we who are stopped cold. It’s like he’s dragging us along wherever he goes. In my Commitment Blueprint program, I explain why this is how we’ll follow a man off our own Bridge to our Happy Ever After.

We’ll follow him even into the pits, because that’s what we’ve all been trained and taught to do our whole lives. Blueprint teaches you how to STAY on your own Bridge, and simply keep going no matter WHAT he does:

Make Him Come Close Again
So it’s not a matter of watching him go off somewhere when he withdraws. It’s not about LETTING him go, it’s about letting go of something – anything – that’s “moving away” from you…

…so you can go in your OWN direction!

…so you can keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself!

And what happens when you do that? All of a sudden a man turns around and has to be with you! All of a sudden you completely lose that aura of clinginess and desperation…and you look CONFIDENT!

And that changes everything.

So, I Want You To:
Imagine that at this moment, you’re holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.

What does that feel like? Really imagine it (keep your eyes open!) in every sensual detail: what it feels like to feel your whole body locked into trying to hold onto him.

Notice how your whole body is almost in “survival mode” trying to keep him from moving away. Notice how you’re trying to keep him doing what you want – almost as if he’s a doll, or a puppet that is not obeying you.

Feel the confusion you feel – the total exasperation of NOT KNOWING why he’s moving away from you emotionally – and just wanting to DO ANYTHING to makes him stand still and LISTEN to you.
Now, just open your hands. Let go. Now…
Turn around.
Focus on something else in front of you.

Practice this Tool several times a day and especially when you’re feeling that desperate need to hold onto him.

For now, every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try the Tool I explained above. Just open your hands, turn around, and focus on something in front of you.

And let me know what happens.

Love, Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:47am
335: Dancing Siren says:

FW re 314 / 315

That is some deep stuff.

I am going to need to let it sink in.

The reason I am there is cus when it is just me and him… and I am not thinking about anything else… it feels good.

Really good.

I am not 100% convinced he is good enough for me.

I still feel judgemental of him in some ways. I feel very weird, and judgemental that in the past he took some very scary drugs… and I don’t want anything to do with that.

I feel scared to give myself to someone who could do that to their body….

And I feel judgemental sometimes of his ill health (and I feel judgemental of me for feeling like this too!) because I can’t help linking this in my head with the drugs and general lack of care for his health…

And on the other hand, I myself have taken some pretty scary drugs in the past.

????

Ummm,

Regarding the big leap thing. I kinda get what you are saying… but do not really. Do you mean a leap of trusting and assuming he is good for me or something else?

Thanks for your help and input with my stuff.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:51am
336: Love Actually says:

“Imagine that at this moment, you’re holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.”

I feel anxious and nauseous and closed up in my throat and tingly in my arms and heavy in my shoulders and soooo tight in my jaw.

I feel sad that I told him he ought to go into detox – uggg! He knows what he needs and I totally slammed him. If he thinks he needs to go into a retreat then yayy for him, he is thinking about doing something different for himself.

“Now, just open your hands. Let go. Now…
Turn around.
Focus on something else in front of you.”

I feel even sadder, I feel afraid.
I feel love for him and myself.
My jaw feels really really weird and jittery.
My eyes feel teary and hot.
I feel tired and lethargic.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:56am
337: Emerson says:

Wow so many good comment this morning….feels helpful to me. I’m thinking I did the right thing by ending contact with recycled but I just feel weird and guilty and maybe angry too. I do think it’s best if he is off my radar for now because there is so much negative baggage between us.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:56am
338: Jilly says:

CurvySiren10…awww…thank you so much you’re the best!

ok…UPDATE

Rugby Man just called!!!

He said he tried calling last night (which I wondered about because my phone kept shutting off) but he said it rang and went to voice mail (it didn’t show that he called) and then he figured I was sleeping and then he fell asleep.

I expressed that when I didn’t hear from him that I have lots of thoughts and feelings, and that I know it’s MY stuff and I start to feel anxious and worried…and that I’m just a girl with lot’s of feelings.

He chuckled and was like “awww…babe…I’m sorry…I don’t want to worry you”, “I’ll do better”. I’m hoping I can get back to you soon and see you.

which totally melts my heart…now I feel bad for second guessing him and being mad at him…he is the best man I have ever been with!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:56am
339: Love Actually says:

Ugggg! Now I feel like calling SR to apologize for saying he should go into detox – I feel mean.

He didn’t call back yesterday and I feel worried. I wasn’t very nice to him. I felt so angry and judgmental.

I’m scared to call. What if he doesn’t answer. What if he does but is cold. What if, what if, what if…

I don’t want to feel even worse.

What do you Sirens think?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:04am
340: Starla says:

Jilly, bless Rugby guy for helping us out here. The fire is just terrible.

AND CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BRILLIANT:)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:04am
341: Dominique says:

#318 – Oh YAY!!! Good for you Simply Goddess.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:07am
342: Dominique says:

Love Actually – It’s a process, and one this is an ongoing one. Patience and gentleness with yourself goes very far. We all falter, take missteps, so what. You forgive yourself, pick yourself back up and keep going.

A good man won’t leave you for being human.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:10am
343: Dancing Siren says:

Pamelala

I LOVE that!

Now I just need to figure out exactly what that would look like.

Thank you. That feels so freeing.

I knew there was a problem with my boundary… and now that has just brought into the light exactly what it is.

Ok, so basically I am pretty happy with all his behaviours around me…

So what would the boundary be?

Maybe what I am really feeling is just a whole load of fear??

Ok, the only thing that sometimes feels icky that I can see, is when he sometimes doesn’t contact me one night… but that is only cus my mind goes to ‘he must be drinking’

And the only other one, is I feel weird when I see him looking ill…

I feel weird and scared.

And some of it might be cus I wonder again if it is to do with drinking. Or, I feel judgemental of him for not taking good care of his health.

But. I feel unsafe.

When I see him looking ill.

But I get all confused and scrambled up here, because actually how can I blame him for being ill?

Ok, it probably triggers me cus I watched my Stepdad’s (I consider him my Dad!) health deteriate until he eventually died, so ill health is probably extra triggering to me.

But I wonder how I would look after myself when I feel unsafe in this way.

Sirens I feel excited about this…

Can you help me figure out how to do this?

Thanks again Pamelala

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:11am
344: Starla says:

FW,
“Starla – I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

This feels really good reading it. The thought came to mind “and hopefully you will allow everyone else around you to do and be the same”.”

This is a lovely addendum:)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:12am
345: Heart says:

#326 – awesome FW …thanks

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:13am
346: Dancing Siren says:

Sirens,

He just called me.

He went to the session.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:14am
347: Love Actually says:

334: Dominique

Yes, thanks!

I feel relief and weepy. I end up feeling wayyyy more compassion for him than myself, in between being angry with him. Sigh.

He is such a good man in his heart and soul and he can’t be there for me because he isn’t even able to be there for himself…:(

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:15am
348: Starla says:

The universe always delivers:) I want to get a car for myself but don’t currently have one, making getting around to dealerships very hard. But my friend needs someone to take her to the airport (parking is rly expensive) and pick her up, so she asked if I could please take her in her car and pick her up, and in return, I can drive her car around for 8 days:D

She thinks I’M doing her the favor. hehehe. <3 Oh life feels good and juicy and abundant.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:15am
349: CurvySiren10 says:

317 Pamelala- that is a brilliant post.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:15am
350: Slippin' Goddess says:

327: Femininewoman says:

The Way To Keep A Man Is To Let Go Of Him

I can relate to that right now FW.
It’s true that it feels so natural to do the opposite. Unfortunately.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:20am
351: Sassy says:

I’m really feeling that urge to text today. Please throw some support my way and keep me from making an a$$ out of myself.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:24am
352: Jilly says:

Starla…yay!!! I know I thought of you when he said he had to go to Colorado…I was like in my head “oh that’s where Starla lives” …kinda random

I know…I’ve been keeping up with the news and that is a terrible fire out there. I would have probably been working on it if I had stayed in the fire business. It’s already shaping up to be a big fire season :/

I love hearing how you are “upgrading” to sirens sleep wear…I feel inspired!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:27am
353: Love Actually says:

330: Jilly

I feel so hopeful and inspired reading about your experiences and how you handled this situation.

learning new ways to respond to my NVs.

Thanks for sharing it.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:28am
354: CurvySiren10 says:

Sassy, please don’t text him. You will feel like crap if you do it. SO not worth it. Do anything you can to keep your focus on your sireny self. Post here, spam the board if you have to….

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:31am
355: Starla says:

Sassy
DON’T DO ITTTTTT hehehehe

I’m on day 10 No Contact. I feel the urge too. I don’t even think we’d be “making an ass out of” ourselves if we contacted them. We’d just be holding ourselves back from moving on to something better that we truly deserve.

I understand and accept that it will take time, maybe even a few months, for it to feel natural. But I’ve spent months or even years in unfulfilling relationships, so a few months is really no biggie in the long run.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:31am
356: Slippin' Goddess says:

He asked if I wanted the car.
I pondered for 2 hours but then replied Yes, if you dont mind, thanks.
So I guess he’ll be bringing it down tonight.

I don’t know what to think of this though. I still feel angry at the way he acted. I feel angry at him deleting me from facebook etc. I feel nervous and tense. Like I’m letting him off somehow. I feel I should be punishing him for his actions and he’ll think he’s ‘got away’ with treating me like that. I know somehow I’m not thinking siren like.

I don’t know.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:32am
357: Love Actually says:

I feel such a sense of urgency all the time, like I have to ‘fix’ things rather than just trusting that it will all be what it is meant to be…

I have always been such a ‘planner’ to the nth degree. I do this in order to feel safe. This kind of kicked in even more after my marriage ended and I had to fend for myself and my son…the man that was supposed to be there with and for us wasn’t.

When I think about surrendering to a man, to the universe, I feel terrified. What if he chooses wrong? What if I can’t handle what happens? What if it would have worked out better if someone had listened to me and what I thought?

Whoa! I think I don’t even trust myself enough to listen to myself maybe…I wonder if that is why I feel unheard ALOT.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:34am
358: Starla says:

Jilly, I am praying for rain every day, and now with the added bonus of him coming back to you sooner:)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:34am
359: Love Actually says:

If I get better and better at listening to myself, my feelings and more and more comfortable sharing in the moment – without the sense of urgency for an outcome…that would feel better, then I wouldn’t be relying on other people to ‘hear’ me…THAT WOULD FEEL SOOOO GOOD.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:37am
360: Slippin' Goddess says:

352: Love Actually

I feel the same LA xx

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:38am
361: Love Actually says:

Awwww, my triggers and need to control are just trying to protect me.

I CAN feel compassion for this…
This feels sooooo good, I am just trying to protect myself.

I can thank these reactions and let them know that I don’t need their protection, that I will be alright no matter what…

I feel tenderness towards myself thinking of it this way.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:39am
362: Dominique says:

Love Actually – He can’t choose wrong. You may not like what he chooses, but it’s his choice. And of course you can handle what come up. It wouldn’t show up if you couldn’t.

No more what ifs. Take things as they come When you plan for what if, you waste a whole lot of time in something which likely won’t arise anyway. If it does, you deal with it then and TRUST you have the tools to do so.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:40am
363: Love Actually says:

352: Slippin’ Goddess

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:40am
364: Love Actually says:

354: Dominique

AMEN!
I know this AND I keep forgetting.

Its funny I feel so much more at peace in this regard with my son than I do with SR.

not sure what that’s about…

maybe I have a better sense that my sons job is to be building his own life and moving away from me and I want so badly for SR to be moving towards me…

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:43am
365: Namaste says:

As usual, your post is eerily relevant for what I’m experiencing right now! It’s extremely helpful to think of my triggers as being the things that I am not happy with within myself. This is something I think I’d realized… I often tell my partner that I don’t need him commenting on or critiquing things about me that I already am bothered by and trying to deal with… but that’s because they are particularly sensitive issues.

This happened just last night, as we discussed the possibilities of who might officiate our wedding ceremony. My parents were completely anti-religion, and I was raised to find religion offensive and distasteful. I have since developed a sense of God and spirituality, but still retain a strong aversion to anything organized. When my fiancee (apparently jokingly) said we could have an imam officiate (his family is Muslim) I was very badly triggered. It provoked my worst fears about a wedding ceremony that would involve an officiator talking about things I didn’t believe in, and being asked to take vows I didn’t believe in. This is, of course, unfounded. Everything we’ve decided, we’ve chosen together, and my fears are based something I am struggling with, not in anything that is really likely to happen.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:43am
366: Slippin' Goddess says:

He replied

“Okey Dokey, well I finish at 12. Should be at yours for about quarter to, make sure you have your stuff ready fcuk arse xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ”

What the bloody hell.. He’s soon cheered up.. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:44am
367: Dominique says:

Dancing Siren – You cannot control his actions. So try to find trust within you, trust that he will do what he needs to. If he continues to abuse himself, you always have the choice at any time to say enough is enough and move on.

And you do your best to go off and take care of you. You do your best to take your focus off of him and put it back on you.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:45am
368: Love Actually says:

357: Slippin’ Goddess

Sending you lots of peaceful sireny vibes (which I never have in these moments, LOL) for when he delivers the car to you.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:47am
369: Sassy says:

Thank you Curvy Siren and Starla. I have tears welling up that you both responded so quickly and lovingly. I really really hate this! I don’t want to think about him, I don’t want to feel any feelings for him any more. He doesn’t deserve to have any power over me whatsoever.
And btw, you both wanted to know what he texted me that was so cruel and disrespectful, well here it is…
I asked him how his mom felt and he didn’t answer. So I said “really JT”, he said “wat”, and I said “I can’t even ask about your mom? ” His freaking response to me was “u almost got sent a video of someone sucking my d$$k”
WHAT, are you nuts!!! I’m still in shock about it and hurt and confused. And that is why I’ve ended it. As I expressed before, I don’t know if that was his way of being intentionally cruel so that I would get out of his life for good, or if it was just incredibly immature. Both, apparently. And guess what-it worked! So why would I want to text him? Because I need to know why he got so cruel and why he stopped communicating with me prior to that. It was so unexpected because we were getting along just fine or so I thought. I guess I was wrong!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:48am
370: Dominique says:

Simply Goddess – Men tend to not hold onto things like we women tend to. You can a knock down, drag our fight, and five minutes later he’s over it. It’s done; it’s behind you; next…

Whereas as we can feel bruised and swollen for hours after, tentative, hesitant, fearful.

I love this quality men have. We could learn from them here.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:49am
371: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren I agree with Dominique, I was just about to write something similar. I would only add that the girl who got scared around Stepdad’s illness also need to be taken care of. I am wondering if you blamed him or God for his dying. Also have you asked for forgiveness? Have you forgiven yourself? Have you forgiven them?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:51am
372: Love Actually says:

361: Dominique

I didn’t realize this…I always thought he didn’t care…
Sigh.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:51am
373: Pamelala says:

SG,

What a day! Oh my gosh, you’ve been through it. I don’t have a lot to offer except to say that his removing your from FB and Twitter etc. might be a blessing in disguise.

As the man, his job is provide strength in your relationship. He has pulled the plug on a situation that is causing pain to both of you. My guess is that he doesn’t feel free to express himself due to worrying about your response and you are interpretting his posts rather than truly communicating with him (no judgement here, I’ve done the same thing…it’s so easy to get caught up in). He is protecting you from yourself and setting up a boundary for what he wants in his life. Men get to have boundaries and preferences too (is that unsireny to say?).

Might you get to a point where you can say, “I feel respect for your decision to remove me from your social media. At first, I felt pain and sadness, but now I feel understanding and protected. I want to communicate with you on an intimate level and social media isn’t a great place to do that.”

Maybe you don’t feel that way…in which case, you shouldn’t say that. I hope you don’t mind my reframes of what’s going on with you.

**************
Sometimes I feel like I’m just butting in to people’s processes when I offer my thoughts. I feel fearful that my ideas aren’t helpful or won’t be received in the spirit in which they are offered. I feel happy that I was able to help Dancing Siren, but I also feel like maybe others will think I’m being a know-it-all…even though I don’t feel that way myself. I feel desirous of being helpful and giving back to this community with a heart of care and support..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:54am
374: Femininewoman says:

(((((((((((Sassy))))))))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:55am
375: Femininewoman says:

Pamelala I love having you here and I loved your response to Dancing Siren. I missed you when you were absent.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:58am
376: Slippin' Goddess says:

360: Love Actually – Thank you.
Lord.. (or should I say, Sirens) give me strength ..haha.
I feel resentment building and tension. He’s deleted me from all his sites, his own girlfriend! Argh. ..and said it was over, about 20 times really quite viscously. Wouldn’t even respect me enough to speak on the phone. Said some quite horrible things. Now he’s being nice as though nothing has happened. ..and so am I in a way. Yet this is what I want, to get along. It isn’t tit for tat. But I can’t help but feel I’ve ‘let him off easy’. There’s advice to be given to me here somewhere I’m sure.

362: Dominique

Lucky men. Haha. It’s seems one extreme to the other.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:59am
377: Love Actually says:

I just happened to come across the movie ‘Gigi’ and Maurice Chevalier is singing ‘Thank Heaven for Little Girls’ and I am sobbing.

This movie and song makes me think of my dad…

There was a time when he outright ignored me, for a number of years…
There was a time when he treated me like I was the most important person in the world…but it always stopped unless I agreed with him and/or did what he wanted

I have had such a love/hate relationship with him over the years and now he is losing his mind – quickly – to dementia and I am so sad.

*sobbing*

I think I have had such resistance to being feminine around men because he demanded that I agree with him…

I remember my ex-husband saying something like he wished he could see my softer side…I feel so so sad about this too…

I feel like I need to apologize to my ex…he is still to this day so hateful and nasty. I have tried so hard to stay on the ‘high road’ with this too…

Sometimes I just want someone to love me, ok, a man to love me, even though when I’m not taking the high road…sigh.

I guess I need to love myself more and more and more when I don’t take the high road so to speak.

I am just human, sometimes I fall down too.

OMG I hold myself and everyone around me to ridiculously high standards.

I feel so so sad
I feel like my chest is going to bust right open and a flood is going to come out

I was starting to really learn to be much more compassionate with myself before i met SR and then I got triggered right back into it…

I want to feel glad this happened as in the end the learning will be much wider and deeper than I could have done on my own.

((((((me))))))
((((((dad))))))
((((((ex)))))))
((((((SR))))))
(((((triggers))))))
((((((damn triggers))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:00am
378: Pamelala says:

Thanks, ((FW))!

You all are keeping me on track today. I feel like sending a sulty text to K just to check in and be sure that he’s thinking about me and I just KNOW that that will make me look and feel super clingy.

I’m forcing myself to lean back so far I might tip over, but I”m hoping to hear his sweet voice on the phone later today. Until them, I’m letting go….breath.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:02am
379: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

Thank you so much for ur posts and advice. I’ve found your posts very helpful in my marriage. I’ve been married for 8yrs now and it’s been like living in hell fire. I’ve been abused all through my years with my hubby and to even think he’s a gift to me and how I can’t succeed without him. The fear of living and taking care of my three girls alone has kept me in bondage in my marital home. I couldn’t make the decision of living without him cos of my financial status until I read some of your posts and advice,I’ve moved on now with my three girls,rented an apartment and focused on my business. He couldnt believe it and he’s been very uncomfortable about the latest development. Just today,his mom called my mom to beg for forgiveness. He’s been calling too but I’m too focused to be distracted. Thanks so much!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:05am
380: Femininewoman says:

RE 350 – I feel terrified too Love Actually. Yesterday one CD kept calling and telling me about his feelings, the physical reaction he has to me etc that I felt like running away. He has been around for a while, disqualified himself because he felt his status his lower than, went to a relationship that did not work and is now back. He upgraded his financial status and just keep coming at me because he sees me as safe and loyal. It feels terrifying to have someone adoring and cherishing me so much.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:07am
381: Slippin' Goddess says:

365: Pamelala

I know Pamelala, what a day, right?
Thank you for your advice. In no way does it seem judgemental or know it all-ish.. So do not worry about that. Everything helps.

I completely understand what you mean. It was causing issues and as you say may be a blessing in disguise.

However, right now, it doesn’t feel nice to be taken off his social media. He has a lot of girls on there he doesn’t even know so it feels awful to think they are viewing things I can’t even see. It makes me feel detached. It’s horrible and I cannot see myself being in a relationship with someone who is on facebook/twitter etc and yet has blocked me as their girlfriend so I cannot see anything. I wish I could honestly but it just seems so wrong to me. Like a punishment. It will cause more problems me not knowing what is happening on there. In the past he has added girls, messaged girls etc. I just cant live with that. Unsiren like or not. Just being honest. ‘sigh’.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:07am
382: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess some time ago you wrote that he said you had broken him or soemthing to that effect. Read it back as him telling you that you have all the power. He is acting childish with deleting/blocking fb etc because he is like a scared kid throwing temper tantrums. Maybe because your grip has been too tight?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:10am
383: Femininewoman says:

Yay (((((((((Jilly/Rugby Man)))))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:13am
384: Slippin' Goddess says:

Yes, he’s feeling fragile and I’d broken him.
Maybe it is too tight.
However, he was the one only yesterday throwing a tantrum again about trust and people on facebook and how I should get a new account. I said I would. No drama and he should too.
Yet today he just deletes me. I feel angry at him still.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:14am
385: Love Actually says:

370: Femininewoman

I feel such relief to hear that you feel terrified too.
Not that I want you to feel this way, just that you seem so wise and to read about your vulnerability makes me feel safer and hopeful I can grow in wisdom ALL WHILE BEING TERRIFIED.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:15am
386: CurvySiren10 says:

Sassy, what a completely disrespectful thing for a man to text to a woman who loves him. Wow- I can see why this ended it for you. This just doesn’t sound like a man who has earned the love and devotion of a woman like you. I KNOW how hard it is to disconnect when you have these feelings, but at this point you have to respect YOURSELF enough to just do it.

Stay in the NC zone. There are other Sirens here who are doing the same thing. It’s hard…but it’s way harder when we don’t love ourselves enough to move on to something better, healthier.

I know you can do this. I know you really do deserve better than this. It’s time for you to know it too. (and for the record, I think you DO know it, but it’s very hard to let go…)

Have you looked at the Baggage Reclaim site at all??

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:18am
387: Love Actually says:

364: Pamelala

I really got a lot of learning from your re-framing too, even though it wasn’t meant for me specifically.

It is SO helpful to see things from a different perspective in order to start shifting my own perspective, which just brings me misery.

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:19am
388: Starla says:

omg sassy, thank you for being brave and sharing what he said.
what a loser
ew.
delete his number, delete his email from your contacts, etc., everything you can do to remove temptation to talk to him.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:19am
389: Gemini says:

“For now, every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try the Tool I explained above. Just open your hands, turn around, and focus on something in front of you.”

Yes! Hey..hey..you..you, get out of my head!! lol

hugs sirens

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:19am
390: Starla says:

love to me love to me forgiveness to me forgiveness to me love to me love to me forgiveness to me

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:21am
391: Francesca says:

Starla @340

Yay!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:22am
392: Femininewoman says:

Sassy I have done the delete thing myself. If you contact him after that he might think “what is wrong with her”. He will respect you more for not accepting that kind of treatment. If he comes back, he should be crawling/begging before you consider him.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:25am
393: Rori Raye says:

Ifeoma – BRAVA to YOU!!!!! We all hug you, and support you and KNOW you deserve peace and happiness. You are strong and powerful! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:27am
394: Slippin' Goddess says:

361: (((((((((( Sassy ))))))))))
Hugs and strength to you, that’s awful. xx

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:27am
395: Rori Raye says:

Namaste – Welcome, and thank you for your powerful story and great personal insights that help us all…Love, Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:30am
396: Sassy says:

Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:31am
397: Sassy says:

Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:32am
398: Sassy says:

Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:33am
399: Rori Raye says:

Feminine – Thank you for this – great image and clarity….Love, Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:34am
400: Heart says:

I’m taking a little trip a few days after I remove the internet from the phone…I’m feeling excited.

Also – I put up a little picture of a cafe close to the place I used to work at with Manboy on FB. I felt good about doing that…It felt like giving but not leaning forward.
I generally don’t have a problem with leaning forward…I dony feel like calling or texting him at all. But I have a problem with Giving.

Anyway – I was experimenting and doing stuff that makes me feel I am responding to Manboy’s indirect FB attention…Feel Freeing….Infact it has diminished Manboy in my mind and made me feel as if I was making too big a deal out of nothing.
Oh gosh, this is like an Imaginary relationship…it’s good if I respond in some way — that way I can see if he’s just feeling unsafe or if he’s non-commital.
If he’s feeling unsafe…I think he’ll just test the waters a little more…I’ll respond positively and he should call to reconnect.
If he’s non-commital….he’ll get scared and back away or he’ll just keep the game going just to have his foot in the door.

IN any case, it’s just a week and a few days and then I wont have FB. And also, I’ll be on a trip flirting with new guys.
Plus I’m going out a lot this weekend.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:37am
401: Francesca says:

(((Sassy)))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:37am
402: Rori Raye says:

Slippin – you are so fortunate to be rid of any man who’d talk to you like that….Love, Rori

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:38am
403: Femininewoman says:

Hi Inner Bonder!

How often in a day do you consciously open your heart to receiving the love, comfort and guidance of Spirit? The more you remember to do this, the more inner peace you will feel. The feeling of Spirit in your heart is subtle and the more you remember to open to it, the stronger you will feel it. Today, focus on remembering to invite Spirit into your heart.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:42am
404: Sassy says:

Sorry about the triple posts, my phone got hung up.
FW, yes thank you also. Nope, I’m staying firm in my promise to myself. I will not text him. I think I finally finally learned what my message and lesson was from being in such a painful, albeit, imaginary relationship.
Yes, I will fall in love with myself and honor and cherish myself. There is a much better man coming my way and I have opened my door and my heart for him.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:42am
405: Heart says:

(((Sassy)))

Wow! That’s shocking.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:42am
406: Femininewoman says:

Sassy I am wondering if Rori meant to address you instead of Slippin Goddess

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:46am
407: CurvySiren10 says:

404 Sassy, that sounds VERY healthy and strong. Seriously, this man with his addictions and self-hatred can NOT be anything but toxic to you. Yes, “a$$clown” is a perfect moniker.

Honor yourself …and move on. Start CD-ing. Do whatever it takes to get this behind you. And I think Rori’s message in 402 was meant to go to YOU, not Slippin’. But I could be wrong.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:47am
408: Gemini says:

Here’s to trusting and respecting our boundaries, and knowing what kind of treatment we will not allow…seems to be a theme right now!

Sassy, SG, Ifeoma…bless!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:49am
409: Slippin' Goddess says:

Just was downstairs. My mum started slamming about and had a go at me for something. Really raising her voice, shouting and slamming like I was a 3 year old.
I lost it.
Screamed back at her. Parents Argh!!

Come upstairs really wound up and just bawled my eyes out for ages. Even lay on the floor. All this stress is really getting to me. My eyes are red raw now. Feel so tense and helpless. I don’t know what to think.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:03am
410: Simply Goddess says:

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:04am
411: Starla says:

i feel so sad and alone again

rollercoaster

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:09am
412: Simply Goddess says:

((((((((( Starla ))))))))))
Rollercoaster.. Know the feelin’ xx

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:11am
413: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren yes a leap of trust was what I thought. Have you read Gay Hendricks book The Big Leap? I believe it could help

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:13am
414: Starla says:

i started looking at 2012 prophecy stuff online and it made me feel so uneasy and afraid. I remember when CF told me that if any disaster were to occur, to wait for him at my apartment and he would come for me.

where did my guy go. i love him. and he can’t even give me the decency of a 2-way conversation. I feel really upset right now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:13am
415: Starla says:

It feels so hard sometimes to fight the feeling in my heart that he is the man I am supposed to be with. Like I should be trying harder, not backing off.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:18am
416: Femininewoman says:

Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ouselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.

Byron Katie

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:19am
417: Starla says:

I am not a stupid or delusional girl, so it just feels so hard to tell myself that’s what is happening here. That I am imagining this overwhelming feeling I get that I am not with the one I am meant to be with.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:21am
418: Dominique says:

Simply Goddess – #381 – Maybe this is not the man for you?

xxoo

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:24am
419: Francesca says:

Simply Goddess, your new name suits you better.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:26am
420: Starla says:

Okay, breathe, Starla.

Soul mates/true love is not about possession.

I choose to channel this energy into love and acceptance of him. And to love myself and heal the urgency I feel to find a partner.

I know I am scared to be alone, and that is okay. I’ve been alone since I was very young, and there is a greater purpose for me.

((((((((((((universe)))))))))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:27am
421: Francesca says:

Starla, I can so relate.

I felt that way for three weeks last summer when my man and I were on a “break”.

I vividly remember feeling, sad, uneasy and sick to my stomach all the time.

Not a good feeling.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:29am
422: Francesca says:

Oops, “feeling sad”, not “feeling, sad”.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:30am
423: Starla says:

I avoid letting these feelings settle into pure love and acceptance for him, because it is so pure, and then I cry, and I feel foolish to cry over him. But I am going to let myself cry right now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:34am
424: smile says:

I have done well I do not feel like texting him after he just did not show up…again. I respect myself. Actions speak louder than words.

I know he will be in touch again as he has previously. I have tried alsorts of feeling messages to share how I feel when he does this and to put my boundaries in place but we keep going round and round in circles.

We still have feelings for each other but he just won’t step up. Everytime I think he does he lets me down again. I know he is distancing himself to avoid the pain of letting me down. But why let me down in the first place. If he wondering if he can go the distance with how good things could be?

He still has a key which he told me last week too. How do I get out of the pattern? I know he will be in touch again at some point.

How do I get out of the pattern? Any advice?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:41am
425: smile says:

(((((starla))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:44am
426: Rebecca says:

Hhmm… I had a revelation today. I find this guy who keeps texting me, asking me to meet up really, really boring.. And then I realised that my main fear is that ‘men’ find me ‘boring’. I’ve often sensed this from them.. Hmmm… I will sink into my feelings around this thought and what it means..

I range from being the life and soul of the party to being the quiet wallflower.

When I am the life and soul I worry what people are thinking about me and that I am hogging the limelight and ‘showing off’. I worry that I am not acting in a ladylike manner and that people won’t like me…

If I am quiet I feel that I am masking my true self. I feel restrained and like I am trying to please people..

I don’t know if any of you sirens relate to this..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:52am
427: smile says:

closure?

Is this important?

Why am I now pining for my ex?

Is it because I left him for this man who promised me the world but couldn’t go the distance?

Is it because I still have unfinished feelings for him?

Thinking, thinking, I am always thinking…. I need to stop thinking!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:54am
428: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson,

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:06pm
429: Sassy says:

Starla,
Hugs, baby girl. Listen, I always tell my girls, when they ask me for advice, is to listen to their gut, their intuition.
It’s NEVER wrong. And if yours is screaming to you that loudly, there must be something to it. Just feel confident in yourself that while nothing may happen for awhile, it may at some point. Hold on to that feeling.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:06pm
430: Starla says:

It’s just so weird… Then when I give in to crying and just blessing him, it slips away. I can’t bring myself to cry for more than a few second. My brain and my ego are still running the show. I intend to let go a bit more. I’ve let some ‘brain’ things in my life slip, like keeping on top of my routine and chores, since I’ve been on vacation, so I think if I can put this brain/boy energy here and tend to these things, I might feel ‘safe’ enough to let go and feel my emotions and universal love.

sigh. thanks for letting me basically spam/go on and on here.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
431: Starla says:

Sassy, thank you for validating my intuition. It means a whole lot to me <3. I know that right now is not the time to go chasing him down. In fact, I believe when the time is right, no "chasing" will need to happen.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't look to get involved with a man until I had some more of my own ducks in a row that feel important to me. Things like having a solid routine that no man can shake me from, so that I am always caring for myself. So that includes CF, not just every other man on the planet.

Hugs to us both.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:19pm
432: Daria says:

yay my 3 am CD last nite got me FLOWERS this morning!

awwww

hes a good man

i feel like HIGH 5 to me cuz im not in the realm of attracting SUCCESSFUL and good men who are also self confident and connect w me

im also feeling turned on w him sometimes and hes a BIG guy

which was wat i thought i wasnt attracted to

yay im so changing go me

this feels lovely

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
433: Rebecca says:

FW ~ that feels soooo nice to read. Kinda like a blessing… Wow… I feel really uplifted and able to breathe.. And able to be me..

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:33pm
434: Daria says:

yay Ifeoma i feel so moved

i know someone in your position from this blog and i often think of her and wish her the courage and love and strength to make a move like yours

thank you for sharing

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:39pm
435: Femininewoman says:

Diva Creed

Date at least 3
Keep the focus on me
Treat them all equally
Till I say yes to a ring
and It feels great

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:43pm
436: Megan says:

what do you do when you’ve goofed.
when you’ve pushed too far too many times.
like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
apologize obviously,

do you try to explain/justify or does that make it worse?
do you be completely honest?

some guys you just know you can get by with more,
we treat people how to treat us
but you don’t say…
I pushed you bc I knew I could get away with it??

his words were “you’re quite horrible to me”
which feels horrible.

problem is I was afraid he was feeling that way, as I was feeling like a horrible person before he said it.

I feel so ashamed and full of remorse, regret, sadness.

i want to make it right. i tear up everytime I think about it.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:45pm
437: lk says:

i just took the day off & spent all my dollars to pick up my kitty….

flew to the wrong airport ! i’m in the wrong STATE !!!

now the poor sweet woman has to drive like a maniac with her sister to bring me my kitten : ((((((

i love the universe for taking such care of me… & i feel so despondent that even though my brain is pretty fast & stuff…… some things just come out so flipping “WRONG” & it makes me want to just decide “ok, fine, yes, i’m totally worthless!!”

& YES i made a horrible dinner last night ! i lost my temper about something else that was dumb ! i felt jealousy a few times too : ((((( i scratched up my knee &….. &…. & then cd was hot & he sat on the floor not the couch with me & that “hurt my feelings” LOL….. & now i’m just a dumb girl who can’t do anything anything anything right ever! & i flipping love myself for it anywayz. (((lk))) go email humans & fix your problems, freak.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:49pm
438: Starla says:

((((((((((((((((lk))))))))))))))))))
you are magic, honey. (((((((((((((lk))))))))))))) hugs to lk (((((((((((((lk)))))))))))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:53pm
439: Sassy says:

(((((lk))))))
((((Megan)))))

I feel like I don’t have any answers for anyone.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:55pm
440: Starla says:

Megan
((((((((megan)))))))))))
i’ve been there, and everything shifted when i started FIRST with sending lots of forgiveness to MYSELF. Start there. And a good old fashioned apology for HIS benefit (not yours) is never a bad thing.

Really slather on the forgiveness for yourself. It will probably feel awkward but just give it a try. Say it out loud “forgiveness to me. I forgive me.” Start with forgiving yourself before you seek his forgiveness. You can’t wait for his forgiveness to feel “whole” again. When you wait for his forgiveness, it is almost offensive to the man, because it is of no benefit to him. I hope this makes sense.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 12:56pm
441: Francesca says:

Feeling so alive now!

I just finished a very tough workout and I’m sweating profusely and I’m loving it!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:09pm
442: Starla says:

Woohoo Francesca

I’m hittin the gym right now! I usually do it in the early morning, but slept in today, and felt like I would just end up skipping the workout today. But I got into my cute workout clothes and WILL not abandon my goals.

gahhhhh i love me so much

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:11pm
443: Daria says:

“because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.”

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:11pm
444: Daria says:

i feel so triggered by the ‘throwing caution to the wind’

i just got that this is cuz i judge and get annoyed with my lil goodie goodie side, no you must play by the rules do wat the grownups say

that is dangerous1 that is agianst the rules. mom wouldnt like that

even tho i live my life the way i live the voice is second guessing me doubting me

making me miserable

umf

and not even helping me cuz my Spidey senses are so full on i know whats gonna happen before it does and can easily rely on my sixth sense

i want to trust myself

i want to kick that voice’s ass

i suppose im suppposed to love her

i feel so angry

im gonna loe her with my anger too

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:22pm
445: Francesca says:

Go Starla!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:27pm
446: Daria says:

Defend: i am NOT throwing caution to the wind

but u know what i am

cuz i dont want to live life cautious

and i dont anyway and i feel good this way

and i just dont want to keep nagging and doubting myself

it feels awful

i want to embrace this part of me just to shurt her up!

ugh i feel like i cant deal w this

stranger = tool

i feel grumpy

i dont want to do it

i feel sleepy

rrumfff

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:30pm
447: Daria says:

Rebecca – yes on the loving yourself , but i feel a bit misunderstood

its really more about BODY LANGUAGE, BODY STANCE like the actual physicalness of it

than in your mind and what you think of it (thats what i get you’re referring to)

the DIFFERENCE is in the standing, with weight on back foot and body open , head up lips parted

try it right now – open your palms to dthe front with arms at the side

melt

in this position, anyone looks attractivre, vulnerable sexy

even a mannish lookign gay man

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:41pm
448: ReceivingGirl says:

@357 Love Actually

I can relate to your post. I also have a need to have things be just so. I’m not sure if it’s a control thing, probably partially, but it’s also a need to know thing. I don’t like feeling uncertain about anything. I feel nervous when I am. I feel anxious.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:48pm
449: Simply Goddess says:

I do remember reading about how open palms, leaning back etc. makes you appear more open and relaxed. I try to practice this.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:50pm
450: Simply Goddess says:

448: ReceivingGirl

I’m exactly the same!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:51pm
451: Femininewoman says:

RG the need to know is what creates problems. Life is not packaged in a neat little box with a bow on top. When we know then all the mystery and adventure is sucked out.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 1:56pm
452: Femininewoman says:

I see you Owlette

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:06pm
453: Simply Goddess says:

He text earlier saying “Do you want to be my friend? xx”

I was confused as to what that meant. At first I was like Wow! Is he wanting to be friends instead of a couple!? or maybe he is asking me to make up with him and be his friend seen as I haven’t bothered replying to his text?

My mind can’t half run away with me sometimes. I over analyse everything. That’s my problem.

I replied back. “I just want to feel good with you babe, that’s all.”

So then I start thinking, I don’t even know if that is the right thing to say. Maybe I should have left out the ‘with you’. I just want to feel good, period.
Maybe he meant he wanted to be friends on social media.
Over analysing my own text this time. Wondering if he’d respond, wondering why he hadn’t.

He hasn’t replied but I’m not all that bothered. I’ve just realised how much I over analyse EVERYTHING and how I need to get out of both his and my head.
Just thought I’d share that.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:22pm
454: Jenny says:

Hi ladies.
Been on a date with a young man today.

A very sweet and nice man. A lot of talking, he mostly.

He told me stuff about himself, I just listen.

Felt very good.

And one thing this young man (18 :O ) did, that I totelly loved.

We was sitting on a bench kind of in the center of the town, and 3 times, diffrent groups of young females (16-25 years) with shorts and showing lots of skin, walked past us where we was sitting. And I never notice he looking at them, he was looking at me, talking to me – not looking at other girls. …ok if he did, I couldnt see when he did it.

My diva, my romantic girl like this man…and thii, it took him 2 min after giving me a goodbye hug to visit my profile on the website where we meet.

Ohh and I feel a little bad i forgot to turn of my phone, so it did call (another cd was phoning) and without thinking I answered it…feels a little bad doing – so leason learned; TURN OF MY PHONe when I’m on a date..thanks universe for that leason.

I give him some days to take contact…:)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:36pm
455: Linda says:

Ladies, quite a lot of discussions going on. I learn alot here.

I am feeling more myself today. I dont have the gray cloud hanging over me that was there. I think I am detoxing. The more time that passes from his exit in my life, the better I feel.

I can only take one day at a time. I can only manage today. I cant tell you how much better I feel having deleted my profile yesterday. I had one man write me and ask if I would like to meet him. I wrote back last week and said “Yes I agree, I would enjoy that”…. and 7 days went by and never responded!… Whats up with that? I had another guy that I actually spoke with, he begged for me to call him and I did about 24 hours later. He said he thought I was beautiful!… wanted to meet me and just talk over a glass of wine or beverage of my choice. I talked to him twice on the phone. Now 5 days later, he fell off the map. “what happened”.

I just was feeling more rejection… so to be protective and good to myself, removing myself from that type of thing feels really really good to me.

I went to bed last night but could not turn my brain off! I bet I layed there for over an hour, remembering his mean words and lies and his undercurrent caniving I could always feel.

I am so angry every time I think about how he turned everything back on me… made it my fault some how. It wasnt!… Truely it wasnt. SHeesh…. why did I want it to work? I felt I have swallowed so much guff and my feelings that I need a cleansing down to my toes.

I read in one of the comments about Being Self centered is a form of self protection. It keeps your heart closed. I NEVER saw it like that. This last guy was soooo self centered. and his heart was so closed and cold. I feel and and have lived the truth of this statement.

Well at least the gray cloud isnt hanging over me today and the consumption of wondering if a man is interested in me online anymore… Removing myself from that what exactly what I needed.!

Smiles Linda

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:41pm
456: Starla says:

I went to the gym and it killed me. I did today’s workout without my trainer because I’m on vacation, and, boy, do I miss him, haha. He makes my workouts go by so much faster.

Still feeling really sad about CF, but it feels really good to stay on top of self-care. Because, who do I want to be? I’ll tell you: I work out 5 days a week, I keep a tidy house, I eat healthy snacks and meals, and I smile at myself when I look in the mirror, regardless of who/if there is a man in my life.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:42pm
457: Starla says:

*killed me in a good way

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:45pm
458: ReceivingGirl says:

@389 Gemini

Ack!! I was mindful of this this afternoon and I’ve had many thoughts of Mr. Observant. Like hundreds. I turned my thoughts away each time. Wow.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 2:56pm
459: ReceivingGirl says:

@451 FW

Exactly true. I know this and working on letting it go. It’s a hard thing to let go.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:10pm
460: ReceivingGirl says:

@453 (((SG)))

Love the new name!

I think he meant on social media. He is all over the place. I think he feels like you are constantly monitoring him, so that you can question him. I do feel you need to tone that down a lot. However, he is acting pretty childish. If he wants to be your friend again, he can without asking you if that’s what you want, as if he’s doing you a favor. I think he needs to apologize for his behavior. He is trying to make up with you, but sometimes, the way they do it is not the way that feels good to us. A sincere apology is a lot nicer than trying to be nice and cozy up without saying a word about it, like it never happened.

I do feel for him because I feel he is feeling very low and bad right now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:15pm
461: ReceivingGirl says:

I think everyone needs a hug today!

(((Sirens)))

I used my LivingSocial deal and bought organic fruits and veggies from a delivery service. If they are good, I will probably sign up for the weekly delivery. It will get me to stick to eating fruits and veggies, not having to go to the store so much and buying things I don’t need. Hopefully, it will save me money too! It gets delivered on Thursday.

We had photos taken of us at work today with a professional photographer. She showed me my pics on her camera and they seemed to turn out pretty good. I was worried cause my eyes were all bloodshot today (maybe allergies) and it’s so humid my hair didn’t hold. You can’t tell in the pictures. At least it didn’t look like it. I guess I will see when I get the real ones to look at.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:21pm
462: Francesca says:

Great article by Dominique, for those of you who are interested.

*********************

Your Uncommunicative Man

Does your man make you feel so frustrated sometimes, maybe much of the time, when it comes to communicating with you? The littler things and more importantly the bigger things?

Does he take forever to return a text message, e-mail, or phone call, or maybe he doesn’t return it at all? Or worse even, a whole string of them, for you got to feeling anxious, scared, i.e. you let your gremlins voices get the better of you, and manic woman emerged?

And when it comes to more serious topics, those which you SO want to discuss with or hear about from him, he just doesn’t or rarely does he bring them up. i.e. he hardly ever (or never) lets you know how he feels about things.

http://sexandheart.com/your-uncommunicative-man#comment-1975

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:27pm
463: Simply Goddess says:

462: Francesca

Great article by Dominique, for those of you who are interested

I can relate to that, thank you x

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:49pm
464: Smile says:

So I’m just going to drop his stuff round at his…. Problem solved!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:55pm
465: Smile says:

Now he won’t be able to keep working his way back to me and offering crumbs!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:55pm
466: Smile says:

I feel in control!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:57pm
467: Francesca says:

You’re welcome, SG.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 3:58pm
468: Simply Goddess says:

460: ReceivingGirl

Yes, I agree. Thing is I actually don’t think he’s deleted me. I sense he’s just de-activated, plus his Twitter is still on for everyone to see. Strange. Anyway, like you say, I need to stop checking up on him!

He’s coming to get me soon with the car. I’m much more relaxed than I was earlier. I’ve leaned back all day and only responded to him.
I agree he’s been childish and his behaviour was erratic but I actually feel for him too. I think he’s just wrapped up in a whole load of emotions he isn’t used to feeling at the moment.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:04pm
469: Pamelala says:

Leaned way back today and got a text from K (he doesn’t know about my texting fast because he NEVER texts) saying, “You’re my kind of woman…growl”

I feel kinda smiley about that.

Rori, seriously, your tools are wonderfully magical.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:11pm
470: Smile says:

:’(

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:13pm
471: Pamelala says:

Smile?

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:19pm
472: Simply Goddess says:

((((((((( Smile )))))))))))

Vent if you need to.. xx

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:20pm
473: Smile says:

I just feel numb. It’s me keeping us in this holding pattern of him standing me up, he has shown he isn’t capable of stepping up at much as he says he wants to but I keep letting him back in then he disappears. It’s hard to let go of someone you love.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:24pm
474: Smile says:

I’m going to have to break the texting fast to tell him I’m going to drop his stuff off. I need to do this so I don’t give him chance to keep boomeranging back. I also want my house key. I can’t just give him non contact he will get in touch once it’s past a while and worm his way back in again. I need to be strong.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:31pm
475: Smile says:

I’m dizzy from going round in circles! If he wants me he needs to show me! I’m gone!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:33pm
476: Francesca says:

(((Smile)))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:33pm
477: Francesca says:

SG, I hope it goes well.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:34pm
478: ReceivingGirl says:

@468 SG

I hope he makes an effort to apologize when he drops the car off. Good luck!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:41pm
479: Pamelala says:

((((((((Smile)))))))) ((((((((Sirens))))))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:48pm
480: ReceivingGirl says:

One of my triggers is when people do not respond to me. I mean, I put out the effort to send an email or text and then nothing. I messaged my cousin on FB on 6/12 asking how her new baby was doing, etc. She’s been online multiple times and no response. These things happen to me all the time. It totally triggers me as I’m not worth their time. My brother is another one and I have a couple of friends like this too. As well as a bunch of my relatives.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:48pm
481: Rebecca says:

Daria ~ thank you so much. I will try!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:54pm
482: Rebecca says:

Starla ~ you are doing so well! You are my inspitation for self love…

I need to learn to love myself more!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 4:56pm
483: Love Actually says:

(((((473: Smile)))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:20pm
484: Love Actually says:

480: ReceivingGirl

This is one of mine too whether via phone, text or email or in person.

Today when I took my dog into the Vet for a nail trim, I stood at the counter for probably 5- 8 minutes and the girl did not acknowledge me at all. I sat down thinking she might be busy and I was feeling super awkward standing there…I waited probably another 5 or so minutes and finally worked up the courage to ask if I needed to check in.

So triggers into my NV ‘am I invisible?’, ‘don’t I matter?’ etc.

Would have been so much easier to just pipe up and say ‘hi’ LOL.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:24pm
485: ReceivingGirl says:

@484 Love Actually

I am the same way. I don’t speak up in situations like that either, until after I’ve fretted over it for about 10 minutes. LOL

I also feel I am invisible to most people.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:50pm
486: LobbyStar says:

Remember I went on that date with a guy 15 years younger than me?

When we parted that night, he asked if I wanted to get together again sometime, and I was agreeable to that. Then he told me to call him sometime if I wanted to “hang out.” (And I knew I wasn’t going to call, because I’m the GIRL!!)

(Btw, I hate the ambiguity of “hanging out.” When I was growing up, “hanging out” meant sitting around on the couch watching TV or listening to music or something like that. These days, it seems “hanging out” implies more than that, like touching, kissing, and MORE. So when a guy suggests “hanging out,” I don’t know if he means my definition or the modern one. I guess I will have to use FMs to clarify that when it comes up.)

Of course, instead of calling him for a “hang out,” I leaned back. I really didn’t give him much of a thought, and I wasn’t hearing from him, so I had resigned myself to this having been a one date thing.

Tonight was three days since our date. Like clockwork, he texted and asked to see me again. I replied with FMs.

I feel really good about this, and I think it’s because I have no expectations that this will go any farther than the next date. Such a sweet feeling of freedom from burden of… hope. Also, my ego is singing, because I am 43 years old and have captured the attention of a 28 year old (who btw told me he thought I was 30 when he first saw me! lalala!)

All the while, I’m trying to forget that I’m crazy in love with Cy, who seems to notice that I’m leaning back. Three times he came to see me at work yesterday. I was open to him, but I resisted the urge to lean forward and text him afterwards. That is progress for me. Too many times, I’ve leaned back, he rubber banded back to me, and then I leaned forward again. Breaking bad habits here.

Done rambling now. Hugs and love to you all.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:55pm
487: Love Actually says:

485: ReceivingGirl

I see you – tee hee

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 5:58pm
488: ReceivingGirl says:

@487 Love Actually

haha…thanks…I see you too!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:01pm
489: Love Actually says:

486: LobbyStar

The term ‘hang out’ leaves me feeling a little uneasy too.

Woohoo! You go girl, ‘hanging out’ with a 28 year old. *giggle*
I’m 45 and this would TOTALLY make me feel great!
Although I think I would also be a little nervous.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:01pm
490: Starla says:

I was just out and about going to an appointment and running a couple of errands, and I had such a smile on my face! I felt absolutely glowing, and I didn’t even realize I was just smiling at the world. I practiced the 5-second stare/smile with a couple of guys who passed by me on the street, and it was VERY effective. I did break the connection with both of them because I really do want to avoid all male distraction for now. But daaaaang. A good vibe and a little eye contact does sooo much for a woman:)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:02pm
491: ReceivingGirl says:

I set up my new Kindle Fire and rented a book from the Kindle Owners Library, so I’m off to bed early to enjoy my book. Have a good night!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:02pm
492: Starla says:

Jilly, I just wanted to send more thanks and love to your guy for fighting our fire.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:08pm
493: LiliBee says:

Just popping in to say Hi

This is the 1st few minutes I have had to come to the blog since I got back from my Vegas trip last Wednesday.

D was such an awesome gentleman during the whole trip.
I felt so cherished and cared for

He paid for all the food and drinks.
He always went to get me drinks.
He was always looking out for me to make sure I didn’t trip.
He grabbed my hand to pull me out of crowds.
He often asked me if I was OK and if my food was OK.
He always asked if I could see OK when we were at a venue or a show. If I didn’t see well enough, he would take me by the hand and bring me to a better spot.

At 1 point, I hugged him and said in his ear “I feel so happy to be here with you.”
I felt his entire body vibrate and even his heart beat harder and he responded “that is sooo good, reeally good.

I got triggered at the airport on our way back, but that’s a whole other post when I have more time.

I’ll need to check out 1 of this last week’s posts about triggers.

I can’t wait to catch up with you all.

Be back soon xox

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:29pm
494: LobbyStar says:

489 Love Actually

I was definitely nervous meeting him for the first time. It was a blind date after he answered a personal ad written in FMs. )

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:35pm
495: Esteemed says:

Here is an update on Lucy and her daughter, who is in critical condition.

The daughter, Caety, of my precious friend, Lucy, is fighting for every breath in a hospital in Copenhagen, Denmark right now. She was living her dream and her wish by taking a trip to Europe, because at age 25, she has Cystic Fibrosis and her days are numbered, short of a miracle.

She went into serious near death condition on the plane, and a doctor on board insisted that the flight attendants supply her with oxygen, even tho they didn’t want to use it in case they needed it for other passengers. She spent a week in ICU, during which time her parents made an emergency flight to Denmark.

She is now out of ICU, and it remains unsure how she will get home, if she lives long enough to come home. Because she can’t endure another commercial flight.

Will you please help her as you feel led?

ChipIn: A young US girl in Danish ICU has 0 funds for care and to get home to family
caetymyer.chipin.com

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:44pm
496: Esteemed says:

I don’t expect many to be thrilled, and I am okay with that, considering my turbulent relationship with R…

But he contacted me the past two nights, and last night in particular was very positive and fun! We texted for a long time, and he called me for 15 minutes. I feel very happy! I feel like we are really starting to mesh and to understand each other at a deep level1

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:49pm
497: Esteemed says:

Amelie,

535 from the last thread:

You said, “I feel I should tell you a little bit about me- I am usually leaning forward and definitely have masculine energy, but am trying to get my female energy in swing. Baby Steps….

Island Man lives out of the country. I know how Rori feels about long-distance relationships, but we dated for 4 months before he moved and both feel a deep connection. He is usually very respectful, loving and kind- I wouldn’t have chosen him if he wasn’t. Anywhoo…

We had set a time and day to Skype, which we don’t do very often, because of the time difference and work schedules. (We do talk on the phone and text a lot.) So needless to say I was feeling excited to see and talk with him. Well, I waited for about a half hour and no show. I felt angry, disappointed and disrespected. So I typed a quick “I waited for a half hour, thought we had a date?” and signed off.

Then I took a nap. When I woke up I saw that my ringer on my phone was off and he had called 2 hours after we were supposed to chat, but didn’t leave a message. By the time I had realized he called, it was way too late to call him and honestly, I was feeling bad that he didn’t leave a message.

He left me a quick SMS “Don’t know when did you wait…I also called you on the phone when couldn’t see you on Skype…no answer..” on Skype.

So, instead of waiting to talk with him I sent this via text (the I’m just a girl speech): “I’m just a girl here…and I feel confused, and weird and bad when I don’t hear from you. Girls need attention and conversation and all that. It feels great to talk with you and when we set a time and day to Skype, I feel excited to see you in real time. Today, I felt disappointed. I don’t want to put pressure on you or our relationship. Is there something I should know? What do you think we can do that will work for both of us?”

His response:
“I was stuck in the south of the island due to a strong storm…but, made it home by 2:30 your time. When I saw you weren’t online anymore I called… why didn’t you pick up though? Were you “punishing” me? Why didn’t you call back? I kept Google Voice open to hear your call and fell asleep with the computer on my lap?! Why didn’t you? Is it sweeter for you to feel betrayed than to go…” ( and the message was cut off.)

I felt bad that I had reacted the way I did- he is always timely and responsive to me…. but, I was feeling really disappointed.

I responded to him:
“My ringer was off and by the time I realized you had called it was too late to call you back. I feel bad that you think I would do something to “punish” you, I don’t want that. And feeling betrayed is not sweet… I’m curious why you didn’t leave a message?”

And now no response … what to do? Leaning back has always been hard for me.I have not used many feeling messages and never a speech like this one…wondering if it sounded ok? Should I have done something different?

Your help is totally appreciated.”

Amelie,

You did a beautiful job with your feeling messages!!!

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to just lean back and do nothing. I also think it will blow over, because it feels minor to me. Hang in there…go do something for you!

Hugs, Esteemed

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 6:56pm
498: Starla says:

thinking about CF. time to switch the channel! going to give myself a lovely scalp massage with coconut oil.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:07pm
499: Love Actually says:

494: LobbyStar

I feel admiration for your bravery

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:12pm
500: Starla says:

that felt nice:) still feeling so full of connected feelings to CF. Refocusing that energy squarely on myself. Time for a luxurious shower. Day 10 NC is almost over. Haven’t looked at his or his family’s FB even once, although a friend of his family, whom I grew up with and was fb friends with before I dated CF, did post pictures of her daughter with CF’s niece on father’s day. But I just said “aw so cute” in my head and kept scrolling.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 7:46pm
501: Emerson says:

495 Esteemed sorry but it sounds like a scam….

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:05pm
502: Emerson says:

480 RG
I totally agree…it’s soo triggering to me as well. I have a hard time when I get no response to a text, call or email. I do understand things can get busy, but I still feel sensitive about it.

That’s the final huge trigger with Recycled…he has a history of doing that with me. I really could have used his help and he NEVER got back to me and I STILL have not heard from him. He’s so weird. I don’t know why I even care…. I don’t actually. He is nobody to me. I don’t know how I let him come slinking back into my life all the time. Fu(ker.

I also feel very sensitive around this with my family. They do it too. Ugh. Sometimes I need help so who am I supposed to call 911??????

Wow I feel angry right now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:09pm
503: Emerson says:

Dominique, how do I get rid of Recycled once and for all? How do I forget about him and make him irrellevant RIGHT NOW?? How do I guard myself against future contact by him (which he will do) and not reply or get sucked in?
How did I lose the upper hand? Why do I have such low self esteem?????

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:11pm
504: Emerson says:

As much as i am angry and annoyed with him, I feel the urge to call and “make it ok”….

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:11pm
505: Esteemed says:

Emerson,

501 – Umm, this is about Lucy’s daughter!! This is NOT a scam! Not only is she a Siren we all know and love, she is a PERSONAL FRIEND of mine! I have known her now for 2 years, and we have spent much time together in person!

My new job that is 1.5 hours away is coincidentally in the town in which Lucy lives! I was just about to get together with her for lunch now and then when this emergency called her and her daughter’s father to Denmark. It is a real situation, and I have been in daily contact with Lucy’s exboyfriend, who is coordinating things from this end.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:22pm
506: siren song says:

guy who loves me is sending little emails about music to me. just links on stories of bands i like. no text. weird.

sigh. i miss sleeping in his bed.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:23pm
507: siren song says:

day 4 no contact (on my part…)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:31pm
508: Femininewoman says:

So sad for Lucy

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:35pm
509: Starla says:

That stuff about Lucy is certainly real:(

I wish it weren’t:(

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:41pm
510: Esteemed says:

FW,

Me too. It is devastating them financially. They may have to sell Lucy’s house. They have to pay for a week in intensive care, and she is still in the hospital in critical condition. They need to figure out how to get Caety home because her lungs can’t handle the low oxygen on the regular plane. Their hotel and flight was all unexpected expenses.

But worst of all is Caety struggling for her life at age 25. Lucy has been barely leaving her bedside. She has been going thru this in varying levels for 25 years.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:41pm
511: Esteemed says:

Starla,

I wish it weren’t real, either. One of her friends is in the process of contacting Make a Wish Foundation to see if any financial help is available. Caety was living her dream of going to Europe as a last wish type of thing, knowing her days are numbered. Her doctor had agreed to it, knowing it meant a lot to her.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:43pm
512: Starla says:

That shower felt nice:) i’m gonna be okay:) Well, I always AM okay… I have come really far from a year ago and really far from just 3 months ago too.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:44pm
513: siren song says:

I feel sad for lucy and her daughter.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:44pm
514: Brandylion says:

FW, #110: I feel open to hearing ways you envision people showing passion without involving sex. It’s too late for my last relationship, but it may help the next one!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 8:58pm
515: Emerson says:

505 Esteemed I feel like I’m being yelled at and I don’t like it. How am I supposed to know who Lucy is? You referenced nowhere in the post that she is a siren. Obviously, I would not have said it sounds like a scam if I knew that. I feel angry.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:18pm
516: Starla says:

what a blessed and luxurious life I lead. Many of my wildest dreams have come true.

((((((((((((universe))))))))))))))

goodnight, sirens

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:19pm
517: Pamelala says:

Starla, me too! My friend gave me a lovely French manicure, I splurged on very expensive foundation that matches my skin tone perfectly, and a nice shower to end the day.

Sweet dreams to you

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:43pm
518: Tereana says:

I had a dream about V this morning, right before I woke up. Strange, considering I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I wasn’t particularly nice to him when I got upset that he cancelled our Friday night date.

I get so angry when it’s all out of my control. I guess I’m just being like a whiney 2-year-old. I try to be like an “adult” and just accept it and be cool. But part of me is not cool.

Like the same thing that happened with MM this past weekend. and in that case, I told him that I was not okay with it. But still: WHAT CAN I DO???

I feel a little at a loss with this. Since it keeps coming up, and I still feel triggered by it, I figure there must be something about it I should learn, figure out, or adjust about myself so that it is no longer an issue. I just ding know what it is yet, even though it’s probably pretty obvious….

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 9:59pm
519: Tereana says:

Starla, I smiled to read your post. Your gratitude sounds so lovely! I know the Universe felt it : )

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:01pm
520: Tereana says:

Ladies, check out this rockstar action: I am on the permanent guest list +1 at my favorite club/party. So awesome!!

I actually emailed v to tell him about the dream. Was a little uncertain, but he wrote back. I always love that he tells me I’m sexy. It feels sexy and great, even though we are not really “seeing” each other, and he’s not really a “monogamous” type. He’s just a really hot, successful man, who appreciates a good woman! Lol

What has been striking me about that is that I find it very hard to accept the idea that I am sexy. Even when I can look in the mirror and say that I am, objectively, “sexy.” it’s like on some cellular level or something, I don’t really believe it. It sits there on my skin, but I don’t quite absorb it.

During dance class, I had a revelation that maybe I have CHOSEN ( like made an agreement with myself) not to believe it because I am afraid of having an “ego” about myself. (so I stuff my ego down, where it gets bigger of course.)

But on the other hand it’s like I don’t believe it, because I still see myself as an “ugly duckling.”

I may look like a swan, but I still feel like a reject. I may have hatched as a butterfly, but I still feel like a caterpillar.

I don’t really know how to change this self-image. The mirror isn’t working. Lol. Even sexy compliments from hot guys!!! I can’t understand it. Something is definitely going on here, and it is beyond my comprehension…

Still, it feels nice to be called “sexy” by a really sexy guy. Even if I don’t believe it, it’s still the way I’d like them to see me. So at least it’s affirming in that way : )

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:36pm
521: Emerson says:

Tereana, I love reading your process about sexiness. I didn’t used to feel sexy either…and for a while when I finally did I went a little overboard with it
…but that’s ok I love that part of myself too…and now I’m more comfortable with it…and I’ve been experimenting with a new style for myself (like Rori suggest)
…which is more earthy and flowy and artsy-ish…I’m liking it and it makes me feel more feminine and sexy!! Men seem to respond well too…it’s like I”m more approachable.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:43pm
522: Tereana says:

Thanks, Emerson!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:58pm
523: Tereana says:

Owlette and Simply Goddess, I love your new names! : )

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 10:59pm
524: Tereana says:

Oops – in 518, I *don’t* know what it is yet…phone typo : )

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:01pm
525: owlette says:

thank you tereana.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:04pm
526: Emerson says:

Simply Goddess I like your new name, and sorry to hear about what has been going on with your man.
ToxicEx used to like to use the F-word with me and say to me “Fu(# you” …etc. It was really devastating.

(((SG)))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:15pm
527: Smile says:

I didn’t sleep well. My eyes are sore and still closed. I have a very exhausting job which doesn’t involve sitting down at anypoint in the day.

I love my job. I love my tiredness. Im going through a process. I will not always feel like this.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:22pm
528: Smile says:

I havdnt told anyone at work that we don’t live together. Or are not even together now for that fact. I started a new job and moved house in September on for the relationship to come crashing down. I feel embarrassed to mention to anyone were not together. I keep pretending. I don’t want to share my pain.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:25pm
529: Emerson says:

((smile))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:29pm
530: Daria says:

Daria – i love your anger, and your sadness, and your fun

you are a bundle of loveliness

i love taking care of you babe

you are so appreciative

i get so much from just being around u

MUAH

((((Daria))))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:35pm
531: Tereana says:

I felt so supported today. Last night, I asked for help from a friend. Well, I didn’t really “ask.” I kind of did. I mainly just said that I felt scared about doing something. And my friend really stepped up. It was great. He wanted to step up even more, but he had things he had to do at work.

He is a very sexy man, and very flirtatious. I don’t see him as any more than a friend, though. We always talk about our exes and our dating lives. But I let him pay for dinner, and he is so good at opening the car door for me – and even closing it, too!

He recently got a new, very sexy, sporty car. It’s hot!

But like I said – even though I like that I get to practice FMs and lots of other CD-ing stuff with him, I really only see him as a friend. And that’s good. Because I think a friend is what I need right now…

(((me)))

Tuesday, 19 June 2012 @ 11:40pm
532: Daria says:

i am getting like no hits on my fave site anymore

waaah

i ‘knew’ this would happen and was dreading it

everyone has already added me

there are no good men here

wait i just met one last nite

but still

im determined to be upset wow

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:01am
533: Smile says:

When I feel I’m falling down today I will imagine the little bracket hugs keeping me up from the sirens

Thank you sirens

((((sirens))))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:08am
534: Daria says:

they want me to be more broken then they are

so they can take care of me

but im not

so i take care of them

sigh

oh this feels sad

**us**

omg i love them sooo much

sooooo much it feels like my lil heart is gonna burst

with warmth and love

i love my family sooooo much

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:59am
535: Daria says:

ok i dont want to make them extensions of me

i want to take care of ME

everyone else, i can only offer help

even infants

ieee

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:00am
536: Daria says:

im gona experiment with locking my door and saying

“im taking time to myself”

when i want privacy

i dont want to explain whether its to masturbate cry meditate smoke weed or what EVER

maybe ill even bring GUESTS!

omg> :0

shock face

a human being having guests at its familial home!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:03am
537: Daria says:

i feel sooo o scared

i feel trembling

to have my door locked

im practicing

i feel so angry right now and i want to do somethign different

mmmhm

i am not hiding

i am locking the door on purpose and ahead of time to plan scheduled me time private time

mf

then it wont feel like im ‘running away’ maybe

and ill get my me time

and maybe a better relationship

in my family village

(((humans)))

(((village living)))

(((me)))

((((fuchkin right – me – i feel like lil wayne on wen i talk good shit about myself )))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:05am
538: Daria says:

Mystery of the Feminine Essence
by Roslyne Sophia Breillat

So many women are longing for, yearning for, searching for, starving for, thirsting for that sacred treasure, that sacred jewel that has been long forgotten, long suppressed, the mystique of the feminine mystery that so many say has disappeared from this earth and disappeared from woman, the wholeness and the holiness of this feminine mystery that has never really disappeared at all. For this mystery has never left woman and has never left the earth, for she still glows, she still shines, she still sings her sweet song of tenderness and love beneath and beyond all the burdens, all the clutter, all the doubts, all the force, all the distrust, all the abuse and all the untruth of a world that does not honour, respect or acknowledge the profundity, stillness and passion that this formless, wordless, indescribable mystery embraces, embodies and bestows.”

http://wisewomanherbalezine.com/june19-2012/article-mystery-feminine-essence.html

omg this feels so mood lifting

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:18am
539: Daria says:

asi was reading that i was feeling really in tune w my lil girl self, my REAL self my innocent everyday self my loving self and i felt safe

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:19am
540: Daria says:

wow

so usually when a guy gets on the phone, i get out of my ‘lil girl self’ and DO do some directing

at least some JUmping to respond and keep the convo going as is socially polite

instead of silence

like “support him” haha and laugh even when it doesnt feel funny raelly

etc

and this time i stayed in that feminine lil girl heart place adn had silence and the convo went form superficial to ‘stirrings in the deep water’

and it felt wow

and the plan came out authentically with me asking what he thinks

not to get his approval

but cuz im so ME and not in HIS thinking

mmmfff

i feel awed – what some calle humbled

i feel like softened adn melted adn teh wonderfulness of this

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:53am
541: Daria says:

excuse me, but youre my friend. you’re suppose to speak to me w KINDNESS

when you are around me, you enter into a contract that you are speaking to me w kindness

less than that, and im removing myself from your energy field

i feel my anger

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:02am
542: Daria says:

“She becomes addicted to toxic love affairs and purposeless encounters that prevent her from living and loving and being the fullness and the wonder of this invitingly enticing feminine mystery. She compromises the wild spontaneity of her freedom and the gentle strength of her power in favour of relationships that offer her seductive illusions of apparent security and deceitful promises of distorted love that support and hold and nurture her for a while within a tangled web of dishonesty, that belie her integrity and her ability to say ”No!”, that manipulate and control her until she can no longer say “Yes!” to the calling of life, to the calling of her mystery, to the sacred calling of her wise, wise womb.

Through trying too hard to be who she is not, through any kind of trying at all to force, to please, to hide, to divide, to isolate, to separate, to be a part of anything that is too damaged, too fragmented to wholly embrace and accept her in her entirety, through trying to belong or to create a sense of place or to become grounded or at ease where she is not welcomed home, she forgets, she loses touch, she slumbers, she stumbles, she dreams, she rants and she raves, she denies her fineness, she becomes brittle, she becomes coarse, she roams far from her true calling and from her true nature, she loses touch with her intuition, with her true centre, with the womb centre of the universe, with the womb centre of her mystery, with the womb centre of the earth.”

more from that article i gave the link above

it really fills me w power. i recommedn everyone read it.

and let it move them

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:04am
543: Esteemed says:

Emerson,

515 – I wasn’t yelling at you. I just felt surprised and wasn’t expecting that. It’s hard to write stuff on here with the intonation and expression with which I would in person.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:33am
544: Daria says:

wow i feel stirred and so happy

now in feminine im getting what i wanted which is a way to not be eye strained at the computer

i just magically thought of it searched and found…

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:36am
545: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

Wow ladies it’s been great here! Hugs ladies! Reading and learning so much. I want to give myself enough time to heal. So much time to rediscover and concentrate on myself

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:38am
546: Esteemed says:

Daria,

540 – I would feel interested to read some of your dialogues with men if you would feel okay about sharing! I feel fascinated by you.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:38am
547: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

Daria I feels in tune with u right now! Will be glad if u would share

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:40am
548: Esteemed says:

When the alarm clock starts crowing (I set it to a rooster crow, LOL) at 4:30 am, it feels obscene, like a rude something in the middle of the night. No, really?? Am I expected to get up in the middle of the night?

I hope and pray I can keep this job. I feel so tired before, during, and after.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:40am
549: Esteemed says:

I passionately want to go back to bed right now. It would feel so good to say, “Good night!” and sleep another 4 hours. What do you think?

I didn’t think so, LOL.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:43am
550: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

Awwww! Pls do have a good sleep

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:56am
551: Tam says:

Emerson – 503:
‘How do I forget about him and make him irrellevant RIGHT NOW?? How do I guard myself against future contact by him (which he will do) and not reply or get sucked in?
How did I lose the upper hand? Why do I have such low self esteem?????’

I would like to know the answer to this too, especially the ‘not getting sucked in’ again when I get contacted again, which will happen….I simply do not feel that I have the willpower and strength to just ignore it, and when I ignore it it’s out of helplessness and not out of a genuine ‘I don’t care’ feeling. Because I do care. Hrmpf.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:38am
552: Rebecca says:

I know what I need to do..

I have to remember thar his ‘rejection’ of me – is not about me. It’s not about whether I am ‘not good enough’. Hell! I am!!

It’s not about whether I’m pretty enough, smart enough, slim enough, funny enough, confident enough, good self esteem etc..

He just doesn’t want to date at the moment per se… He is not ready.. Maybe he’ll never be ready. Maybe he always wants what he can’t have. Maybe its the thrill of the chase.

But I can’t help how I feel. I like him but I deserve more… Lots more… I need to get into that zone and make it all about me, me, me..

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:52am
553: Tam says:

@ Rebecca…yay!! Keep it up girrrly!!
Something and someone better will come along, you’ll see…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:56am
554: Francesca says:

Beyond Reacting

Remembering to pause and take a breath before we react can shift the energy of the outcome.

We have all had the experience of reacting in a way that was less than ideal upon hearing bad news, or being unfairly criticized, or being told something we did not want to hear. This makes sense because when our emotions are triggered, they tend to take center stage, inhibiting our ability to pause before we speak. We may feel compelled to release the tension by expressing ourselves in some way, whether it’s yelling back at the person yelling at us, or rushing to deliver words of comfort to a friend in trouble. However, there is much to be said for teaching ourselves to remember to pause and take a deep breath before we respond to the shocks and insults that can come our way in life.

For one thing, our initial response is not always what’s best for us, or for the other people involved. Reacting to childish rage with childish rage will only escalate the negativity in a situation, further ensnaring us in an undesirable dynamic. Similarly, when we react defensively, or simply thoughtlessly, we often end up feeling regret over our words or actions. In the end, we save ourselves a lot of pain when we take a deep breath and really tune in to ourselves, and the other person, before we respond. This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t say anything, although in some cases, that may be the best option.

Some situations require a fairly immediate response, but even just a moment of grounding ourselves before we do so can help enormously. The next time you find yourself wanting to react, try to pause, and in that pause, take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the floor, the air on your skin, and listen for a response to arise within you, rather than just going with the first thing that pops into your head. You may find that in that moment, there is the potential to move beyond reaction and into the more subtle and creative realm of response, where something new can happen.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:21am
555: Daria says:

:: Invisible Abundance ::

Belief in abundance is crucial to the transformation
of your daily *grind* into a joyful *groove*, because
virtually all suffering derives from belief in
scarcity.

When you believe there is PLENTY of good stuff –
time, energy, and especially LOVE — most problems
simply dissolve.

For example, you wouldn’t worry about your children’s
behavior if you believed that there’s plenty of time
for them to find their way, plenty of energy
(including money and material goods) to empower them
on their paths, and so much love that no amount of
“misbehavior” could render them (or you) unlovable.

“But how can I believe in abundance when I see so much
physical evidence of scarcity?”

If you paid more attention to your Inner Knowing,
you’d “see” much more abundance than your eyes reveal.

Scientists have recently discovered compelling
evidence that 95% of all matter and energy is
invisible to our physical senses and our finest
instruments. That means there’s 20 times more “stuff”
than we previously “knew” existed!

Today, make a point of noticing whether your thoughts
and statements are based on belief in scarcity…
or abundance. Which way feels better?

http://www.dailygroove.net/abundance

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:24am
556: Daria says:

hmmm i feel so special and beaming that you ladies are interested in me…

mm its like

a lot of it is about silence when im asked a question.

or when he shares something

like hes like “fm : oh i felt so hot today”

and then my mind says : oh yeah it was hot yah

AND INSTEAD I AM SILENT

and im searching for the depth of my lil girl

cuz the actual conversation and keeping it looking the way it is ‘supposed to’ ISNT important

im giving the cue that here now it ISNT important

whats important is me and my soul.

my soul.

my soul.

my soul.

and my soul sometimes says nothing so he might give signs of feleing uncomfortable

and he will continue

or there will be silence. where i can fele the tension

and im still silent

and when i say something its something my lil girl feels

and not necesarily related to everyday life, common thought or the common thread of the convo

so i might not respond when he says “i feel hot”

the pause might be long and i imght say

::

::
“i dont know what to say”

::

::

and then fall back silent

and thats the cue

that this is nto the – regular conversation

this is a different world were entering now

the soul of me.

so so wow, now, the animal in him is alert and curious and sniffing and in wonder

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:31am
557: Daria says:

Ifeoma – i feel really moved by your story still. I feel glad you are here and scared you will disappear and that feels sad…

until right now i remember there is plenty of time

to reconnect and enjoy everyone i’ve ever felt connected to

i just connected to my brother who passed away just now, the split moment of writing this

awww

magical femininie what a lovely energy

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:35am
558: Daria says:

me: hello

him: hey daria whatsup

me: hey (smile tone)

him: how are you

me: im feeling excited writing on the computer right now

him: oh want me to let you go?

me: oh i feel disapointed, i dont want to stop talking to you

him: oh i thought you were writing

me: silence

feels tense

him: so what u do today

me: it feels good hearing your voice

him: yeah i missed u

me: awww

him: so when am i gonna get to see you

me: that feels good… mm im free tomorrow or any day \\]

(still tweaking on that one, i dont know what to say about when im free since im free at all times but i prefer lunch dates for first meetings)

i might say that next time

..;;

me: that feels good … im free at all times … i prefer lunch dates for first meetings

him: oh ok well lunch is good how about tomorrow

me: silence

him: hello

me: hey

him: so yeah tomorrow?

me: mm well im feeling unsure. like it doesnt feel solid to me

him: yeah well ill call u

me: ok

umm u know i feel unsure. i dont want to write it down, cuz it doesnt feel all that sure for me… what do you think?

him: yeah its better to keep it up in the air, and ill call u

me : okay

okay babe (leaving tone)

him: k babe ill call u tomorrow

me: bye

him : bye

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:46am
559: Daria says:

thers a lot in betwwen the lines, as far as breathing, etc lil grunts and stuff

that change the atmosphere and energy

when the ‘regular’ grunts and stuff is absent, it creates a vacuum – a PULLING IN – an attraction

here i wasnt sure cuz he didnt suggest a time (in real convo he did)

and just his tone and my impression of him i didnt feel solid in the plan

and i didnt need to go in my thoughts about y

i shared i didnt feel secure

and/… he worked it out by having me keep it up in the air (no wonder i didnt feel solid! it was up int he air for him!)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:50am
560: Tam says:

I feel triggered now. I really do. Saw Mr U POF profile again, he changed it now and wrote that he is looking for the woman of his dreams.
Makes me feel like I was less than. Not good enough, not pretty enough. I know it’s nonsense but it just annoys me. I want to lash out at him and tell him that the woman of his dreams doesn’t exist….but it’s umpteenth day no contact.
I also just want revenge. I want to turn the rejection around and reject him…I want to really give him a pieve of my mind, because I haven’t done that yet.

I feel angry.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:24am
561: Francesca says:

(((Tam)))

I’m sure you know it’s useless to do that, you won’t feel any better afterwards.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:29am
562: Megan says:

Cheers Starla!!!

((((((Starla))))))

do I offer him any explanation, I’ve been trying to be really honest w myself – why DID I push so far??
and I’m not sure why myself,
bc it felt good to take out all the neg feelings on someone who loved me and who would take it?
that is horrible.
should I just say I don’t know why but I wish I hadnt??

the thing is he is the type who is hardly ever wrong and rarely ever apologizes so apologizing to him, even though I mean it, is bitter feeling bc it’s like handing over more self-righteousness to him as if he’ll hold me against it, mentally if not verbally.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:30am
563: Francesca says:

May I also suggest you stop looking at his profile?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:31am
564: Dominique says:

Emerson – #503 – Basically you just do it. You resolve yourself to not accepting any form of contact from him. He will lose interest eventually. There is no need to explain yourself. Maybe this is where you get sucked back in?

He’s not irrelevant, for he is a human person, but it doesn’t mean you need to associate with him.

Remember the old commercial (I don’t remember what for ), “Just do it.”

You can do this.

It’s not about having or not having the upper hand. This sounds like head games. It’s about getting and keeping clear on what you want and don’t want, what you will and will not tolerate.

And lastly from all I’ve seen from you, you DO NOT have low self-esteem. You are a living breathing goddess woman who cares, who has a loving heart.

Try trusting in this. Tell yourself this over and over and over again.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:31am
565: Megan says:

a part of me just feels like whole-heartedly agreeing with him,

“you’re right, I was horrible, I felt horrible doing and I feel horrible now”
“even though I see how I over-reacted it still felt horrible (the text that started the fight)”

“it feels really hard to not care as more than a friend which is why I took you off”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:33am
566: Starla says:

Megan, so are you guys not dating?

And maybe Dominique would be a good resource for helping you get into the right frame of mind for an apology.

I understand about being scared to apologize. For me, I fear that if I apologize, then it’s like giving him permission to think I’m awful.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:44am
567: Tam says:

Francesca…I know, you are quite right. Why do I look? Curiosity killed the cat I guess?
But in some ways, the more of this I see, the more I realise that he is just not right. He basically changed it completely (almost like a schizophrenic person)…and that just sums him up. He is a very confused man, no good to anyone, let alone the woman of his dreams (who doesn’t exist).
I feel for him and his confusion, but I feel more for the people he drags into it, like me.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:50am
568: Dominique says:

Starla – I someone, anyone thinks you’re awful for apologizing, would you really want that someone in your life. Most people would feel relieved, happy, thankful, maybe even a little bad for not having apologized first.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:50am
569: Starla says:

Day 11 NC
Still feeling just awful about CF’s utter silence.
Finding it hard to believe he’s even capable of being like this when I have been 200% kind and respectful about his decision. It makes me wonder if there’s something else going on that I should know about.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:52am
570: Francesca says:

Tam, if this is part of your healing, then go ahead and do it but remember not to give him any more attention than he deserves.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:01am
571: ReceivingGirl says:

I’m having an “I feel really sorry for myself” kind of mood. I need to break free of this. It won’t do me any good.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:03am
572: Starla says:

Thanks, Dominique… you’re right.. and I just realized the reason I feel this way about apologies is because when I was growing up, apologies to my mother were never good enough. Once I even bought her a card and a necklace with money I earned at my part time job, and she said “you think this is going to fix things??” She treated me like a boyfriend who couldn’t get anything right. I don’t remember what I was even apologizing for, probably something like not taking out the trash when she asked, but she never accepted my apologies.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:04am
573: Mel says:

FW… you posted something yesterday about “the big leap.” I feel curious to learn more.

Sirens… I feel like I’ve hit another “threshold” for love/happiness. I am preparing my move-in and things feel sooooo good between us…..

And yet my fears and anxiety are starting to take over. Like this feels too good. It can’t be true. There must be something wrong…

And then I start noticing things that never bugged me before… like the auto-mailed spam from the dating sites he used to belong to. (He checks his email on my laptop in front of me all the time). Or gee, I haven’t heard from him much today… (I KNOW he’s got a really busy day, but the NVs still notice it).

And I really feel annoyed at myself for going back to the old program of “I’m not enough” or “When is this all going to come crashing down?” when something GOOD and BIG is about to happen.

And I know it’s all MY stuff… not about him at all. And I feel proud of myself for noticing it as an almost instinctive response. But yet, I feel powerless to figure out how to stop going back there.

Help sirens!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:12am
574: Tam says:

‘remember not to give him any more attention than he deserves’…well, that would be 0 then
Thanks Francesca, very good sentence!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:21am
575: Mel says:

Mr A is all about trying to solve and figure out how I can save enough money to reach my dream goals. And he’s had such good ideas and doesn’t let me pay for much at all… and only wants me to contribute a little bit towards housing when I move-in (which will save a bunch).

And yesterday, he suggested that maybe I could sell my car if I wanted. Because his is already paid for and we could share and car-pool and then I wouldn’t have a car payment and insurance costs…

And I felt kinda freaked-out. And it really was a thoughtful and practical suggestion. But my brain remembered the LONG winter of being trapped in a small town, with no vehicle, while my ex pulled farther and farther away and left me alone and isolated. When he wouldn’t come home and I would have to walk in freezing temperatures and deep snow to even be able to get groceries. Not being able to go out or visit friends or be ME because I felt so trapped.

I don’t want to feel trapped again. I need a car. It makes me feel happy and independent.

But of course, I couldn’t process these feelings in the moment…

So I just said “I want to keep my car” or something. And he looked a little disappointed that I didn’t appreciate his thoughtfulness.

And now I feel a little bad about that… because I’m sure some FMs about what’s going on in my mousy brain would have made things feel so much clearer to both of us.

Is it too late to share this with him or should I just leave it be?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:25am
576: Linda says:

# 429 – Sassy and Starla – HOlding on to your gut feeling.

I had this feeling about the last man and relationship I was in. MY GUT WAS WRONG! He was squirrley… I let go, leaned back…went on about ME and my business….. and did indeed came back. I thought ok… now we can get on with it. IT was NOT GOOD. He is not a good man. THe more I put up with because I had this Gut Feeling… the worse it was. THis man USED me. In the name of all that is good in me, I was used. I wish I had been down the road long enough that I had something else going in my life that was sooo great that I would have said… NO to him. But, I didnt and I am alone again. IT was not good for me. Gotta be protective of ourselves. I should have looked at everything and made my decision to let this man back in my life with more than that GUT feeling. I have learned this the hard way.

I am not trying to invalidate but, he might come back . You probably wont want what he is and Tigers dont change their stripes.

I trust people until they prove themselves untrustworthy. I did not trust him at all and he earned ever so much.

Linda

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:34am
577: Esteemed says:

Daria,

Thanks for sharing your dialogue! When he left it insecure I would have given a feeling message again, after the first one.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:51am
578: Linda says:

My GUT feeling caused me to make decisions that were not what I would normally do. Boy… I will never do that again.

Linda

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:58am
579: ReceivingGirl says:

My phone doesnt show comment numbers, so sorry.

Mel, I think it’s ok to tell him. I think he may appreciate it.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:02am
580: Femininewoman says:

Mel I suggest you read that book. It will help open your eyes. You have been such a succesful learner so far you can only keep rising higher

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:05am
581: Mel says:

Thanks RG!

I wasn’t sure if it would be sort of “explain-y”…

But I’ll stick to FMs.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:05am
582: Mel says:

FW… can that book be applied to all sorts of situations (eg. career, relationships etc)?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:06am
583: T-Girl says:

Mel, I can totally relate to how you are feeling with the nvs. I just moved in with my guy too and it all seems to be too good to be true yet it scary as heck. When my nvs pop up it is a reminder to me to start focusing on myself again. Yesterday i mentioned to him that I might take west coast swing lessons and he seemef to really like that I was taking care of me.

I loved the article Rori wrote a couple posts ago. What i got out of it was to feel the love even if you feel like you are jumping off a cliff into unknown territory.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:10am
584: Femininewoman says:

It feels sad thinking about making someone have to work to deserve attention.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:10am
585: Jilly says:

Mel…I too relate to the NV’s saying “it’s not going to last” and “things are too good to be true”….grrrrr….it feels good to read that this is kinda “normal” though

T-Girl…yay for taking care of you!!!

(((((femininewoman)))) so yesterday ended up working out

and this morning he sent his good morning text “Good morning my love ”

that just makes me feel so soft and melty

I want to practice assuming the BEST…ALL the time…to keep from going down the spiral…yet I know expressing my feelings with Rugby Man creates intimacy…hmmmm….he really steps up and FIXES IT..whatever it seems to be that needs fixing..*sigh*

((((Starla)))) that feels so sweet to read and I feel warm and smiley that you are sending love and thanks to Rugby Man thank you

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:19am
586: Femininewoman says:

Yes Mel. It hellps to identify some internal blocks. I got it from the library.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:19am
587: Jilly says:

((((love actually)))) awww..thank you I feel happy reading @353

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:25am
588: T-Girl says:

My nvs were going off big time this morning as well. When J got up this morning he stated that he didnt know why but he was feeling a little angry. This is very unusual for him because he is never angry. Immediately my mind went to it must be something about me. But I was able to flip it right away and gave him a big hug and told him I hope he feels better.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:26am
589: ReceivingGirl says:

FW what book is that?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:27am
590: owlette says:

t_girl: “When my nvs pop up it is a reminder to me to start focusing on myself again.”

yes. now its a reminder for me too, thanks!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:30am
591: Francesca says:

Gay Hendrick’s The Big Leap

http://www.thebigleap.net

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:38am
592: Turquoise says:

Good morning sirens, things have been really great with dreamy. I saw him last Wed. Through Saturday for big chunks of time. He took me and the girls out one night and it went well. We had special, romantic evenings and lots of conversation, he bared a lot about his past, his hurts, and his life in general. I felt it clicking, snapping and all connecting. Last text I got was Sunday night saying good night cutie. It’s Wednesday. And my nv’s are kicking in. I know he works hard and has late meetings on Tuesdays. He knew I was taking the girls to a local amusement park all day yesterday… But still, feeling hurt to not hear from him.
We haven’t talked exclusivity yet. I actually had a really great time yesterday with someone else. I went on a date with him last week, the one with all the drama… Our kids go to school together and we met up for most of the day. It was really nice and felt good to be friends. Like it could be one of those friendships that grow into more… But I really like dreamy and thought maybe he could be the one.
Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary, and I feel pretty sad about that. So, going to sit here in my sadness and work through that today.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:50am
593: Love Actually says:

520: Tereana

I feel curious about ‘sexy’ too.

I feel embarrassed for some reason to say this, but I really felt super sexy around “SR”. He woke it up in me after a decade of single mommy distraction celibacy (yikes!) and totally inspired it in me and it has nothing really to do with how I looked, but more how I felt – like connecting to what was possible for me to feel.

I felt delicious. It was equally as easy for me to feel like a reject too though if he pulled away (sigh).

I’d like to figure out how to tap into that ‘feeling’ without a man. That would truly be yummy.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:07am
594: Love Actually says:

I just had a thought – when I first met SR, my attraction was really strongly influenced by how everything felt in a tactile way. It was like I hadn’t actually let myself feel how things felt in my body forever.

I wonder if really tuning into how things feel in a tactile way – ALL DAY – would shift how I feel in a sexy kind of way?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:09am
595: Love Actually says:

(((((528: Smile)))))))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:10am
596: Francesca says:

(((Turquoise)))

May I suggest you read Dominique’s blog I posted @ 462?

It might help give you some answers.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:11am
597: Love Actually says:

554: Francesca

Thanks for posting this. I think I need to plaster this on my forehead. LOL.

I am Soooooo reactive with SR.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:12am
598: Love Actually says:

555: Daria

I really struggle with feeling, seeing abundance too.

I feel really pulled in by all the anguish and pain in the world. Sometimes I feel like I could just weep and weep and weep because people hurt each other…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:14am
599: Love Actually says:

575: Mel

I feel inspired A Lot by what Jilly and Lilibee (hope I’ve got that right) write about sharing FM with their fellas and it seems that after the fact isn’t too late at all, but in fact helpful…

I feel admiration that you have connected to your NV and your feeling of safety and security around keeping your car! yay!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:18am
600: lk says:

Thank you, sirens for the hugs & vibes yesterday… : )))

I can’t even list all the ways that yesterday went “wrong” for me……. in addition to flying in to the wrong airport….. i walked around the whole day feeling like i smelled weird (lol…kind of… maybe not so funny when you are in constant, awkwardly close proximity)…. i accidentally hit the “summon flight attendant” button when i was trying to turn the light off (which to me represented a sharp laser of burning heat, since i was at that point cherry red in the face & sweating visibly)… they told me 30 minutes before my flight that my cat carrier was too large for the aircraft……… oh, i lost my ipod !!!…… ummm….. what else… yeah, a million things lol. OMG & even after the fact, i had to ask the woman to wait a couple days to cash my check…. shaking my freaking head at my lame self!!!… but i do forgive myself since I was surprised at the last minute (i got confused by the time change & almost totally missed meeting up with the ladies & my flight) & i had *almost* enough cash, but literally was missing 10 dollars & i just had to write the check because my flight was leaving in 20 minutes. yes, the cat was placed into my hands 20 min before Departure. insane. the first time i ever held the cat was to take him out of his carrier for security. cr8zy….

BUT: here is the good part. the lady drove 4 hrs (8 hr round-trip….) to bring me the cat. she didn’t blame me or herself & she didn’t charge me any extra, though i did offer to pay for gas/time…even though i don’t really have that money… & when she heard the agents describing my cat carrier dilemma, she told me to take her carrying case. she wouldn’t let me trade cases or give her money for it. i did lose my ipod yesterday (& my phone, which made yesterday that much more stressful… lol…trying to skype with a cat lady over the airport wifi)… BUT i got into work today & checked my email & found an email offering to buy me a phone that has an mp3 player, & i said Yes & i chose the option to have extra memory so i can store “lots” of music for myself, so solves the phone/ipod problem… also, the cat lady was not even mad when i emailed her at 3 am this morning begging her to wait until i can drop the cash into my account….. WAHHH lol

omg. i just can’t believe it all “works out.” it’s cr8zy.

but, what’s the alternative ? i mean i think we generally think “worst case scenario” is Dxath, but i hafta say that i really would take issue with taking issue with mortality. seems silly LOL

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:20am
601: Love Actually says:

(((((576: Linda)))))

” I did not trust him at all and he earned ever so much.”

I felt confused reading this. do you mean that you didn’t trust him but gave him your trust anyways?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:23am
602: lk says:

the other thing is, i had a really “fun” day yesterday, even though the entire time i felt like i was walking a razor blade tightrope over an abyss of hot-lava doom lol….

i felt like i made so many real friends LOL it’s weird. & a lot of really wonderful women-friends : ))) i made friends with a businessman, a married couple, a coffee barista, a waitress, a TSA agent, an airline agent, her supervisor… & the cat lady gave me big hugs before i left : ) …. & men everywhere helped me all day to carry my things : )

so the whole day, i was able to be “Happy” simultaneous with being “Anxious”

also – i see how i “caused” some of my anxiety by choosing to allow so much Chaos in the set-up of the trip. lots of lessons in that.

i can also see how in some cases Anxiety is not useless – it’s totally useful, totally necessary, to Get Shxt Done.

i can also see how Anxiety does not have to make me feel “Un-happy” – i have a choice!

i always have so many choices ! it’s delicious! lol

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:28am
603: Turquoise says:

I’m on my phone Francesca, can’t see the numbers, but I get Dominique’s emails, so I’ll check out the recent ones. Thanks!

My horoscope today said to feel my feelings today, not try to fight them. So, if I felt blue… Go with it.

Sitting alone in my office listening to the love song station on pandora and feeling sad. And I am perfectly fine with that.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:37am
604: lk says:

Mel & T-girl, i like reading about your move-in adventures !!! it feels warm & helpful : )

Starla, that’s awesome about the car : ))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:37am
605: Tam says:

looking for the woman/man of one’s dreams. I wonder why that triggered me so much.
Maybe because I don’t believe I can be someone’s woman of their dreams?
Or maybe because I think reality is surely better than a dream?
It doesn’t feel good when someone who was chasing me and backed out into the friends zone last minute, is looking for the woman of his dreams. I was the woman of his awake time, and clearly didn’t make the grade. I am peeved by this. Stupid, but true. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:40am
606: Love Actually says:

I feel shaky.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
I feel worried.

I haven’t heard from SR since Monday morning and I KNOW that he is not in a good place and I feel worried AND angry.

I just tried to call him and I feel a little foolish about that and not at the same time.

His phone is off, which is not a good sign since he should be working and I know that he probably got drunk yesterday as England was playing and he seems to be crashing and burning again.

I feel so sad and irritated that he just continues in the same pattern, even though on a regular basis he sees it and tries half heartedly to do something to help himself, although always short of actually seeking help to learn new ways of being…even though I KNOW this is ultimately none of my business.

Sometimes I worry that he has PTSD as he was in the army and saw and did terrible things. I know this floats around in his head all the time.

I feel angry that this happens to people. I feel angry that this happened to him. AGGGG!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:42am
607: Mel says:

Turquoise,

I wonder sometimes if after intense periods of bonding-type experiences, guys need to pull away a bit to understand what they are feeling. Guys aren’t as good at feeling as us. They need processing time.

I think Rori said once that space in these moments is what creates love in a man.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:50am
608: lk says:

i just saw the phone order & they made it high-priority since my cell is lost/broken/terrible/10 years old lol.. but actually, RIP flip phone… you served me well & you will always be remembered for your glorious victories in battle… particularly your courage & valor after being brutally run over in a “bed, bath, & beyond” parking lot….respect.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:51am
609: lk says:

Mel, thanks for sharing 607

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:52am
610: Mel says:

lk,

how has your move-in experience been going?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:52am
611: Starla says:

Linda, I’ve changed MY stripes, but I know he has yet to change his. That’s the one thing that stops me from chasing him down. I’ve just happened to out-grown him at this point. Which is funny, because he was a little beyond me, growth wise, for much of our relationship.

If it wasn’t for him breaking up with me, I wouldn’t have grown. He is still my angel. My stupid f*cking avoidant ball-less man of an angel, lol.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:55am
612: Sassy says:

Linda, I’m sorry, but I feel confused by your post regarding mine and Starla’s exchange regarding gut feelings. Are you saying that you followed a gut feeling to allow a man to come back INTO your life? Wouldn’t that mean that he was gone from it for a time and so there would have been issues originally for you two to not be together?
I cannot speak for Starla’s intuition/gut feelings about CF coming back into her life at some point. She feels what she feels. I just don’t think she should discount those feelings.
As for me, my only intuition/gut feeling with JT is that at some point he will contact me again. That is his pattern, his ego will take over and he will want to know why I’m not kowtowing to him anymore.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:00am
613: Starla says:

I hope JT doesn’t contact you again, because then you’ll have to tell him to f*ck off:P and cussing is such nasty business.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:04am
614: Turquoise says:

Thanks Mel. I was thinking she said that too… Which is helping me to not reach out to him. In my 9 year olds words of wisdom though…. He’s probably doing the same thing. (waiting for me to text him) she made me chuckle. My 11 year old thinks making them do all the first contact sounds like high school diva attitude. I did text him first Sunday to wish a happy fathers day, everything was good and pleasant.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:08am
615: Turquoise says:

Cding really does help keep me out of the soup though, and not put anyone on a pedestal. I really enjoyed my time with drama guy yesterday, and could see a lot of positives, thought about a lot of different aspects of a relationship… Was a good experience, and of course, practice. They are quite different men. Plus, I cd’s my BFF Sunday night and saw what to expect when you’re expecting, was fantastic. tonight I’ll throw myself into boy energy and get some stuff done to keep from over thinking. Will be ok. I have my sad music.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:14am
616: Smile says:

Hugs to all out there who have an elastic band man!

For my healing and to be able to move on and take control I need to take his stuff round and get my key back.

Any ideas how I can do this in a none dramatic way and make it as sireny as possible…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:18am
617: Smile says:

For those of you who are on a phone and can’t see post numbers, if you want to you can switch how you view the blog at the bottom

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:19am
618: Iamabutterfly says:

@ lk – lk, I love reading about your life! I love how you can take a “bad day” and put a humorous spin on it, and be filled with gratitude for it! I feel so thankful for your presence on this blog! you make me feel amused and happy and thankful for my own life!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:23am
619: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

I feel so good to be a siren! Hubby called demanding to see d kids,I refused him seeing them because he bluntly refused to get us an apartment and said they were my burden. My kids aren’t my burden! They are my gift from God. I’m over all the cheating,beating,slander,sexual abuse etc I suffered from him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:29am
620: Sassy says:

Lol, Starla. Sometimes swearing feels sooooo good tho!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:30am
621: Ifeoma iyke-edoga says:

Friends and family has been of great support. Ive been supported with food,Cash,clothes,kitchen wares and even a car. I know I’m not alone and it’s a matter of time,I would adjust. I’ve had peace of mind since he threw me out of d house in April and I’m proud of myself for not begging him(as usual)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:33am
622: Rebecca says:

In the name of CDing all men who come into our lives I had a coffee date with a man who I know really fancies me, but I just find him really irritating. Again, though, I have no idea what is at the root of it?!

He asks loads of personal questions which I feel really uncomfortable about, yet he persists in doing this even when I won’t answer him. I feel he is continually looking for a reaction in me.

Then he just asks me random questions, and if I don’t answer he just keeps asking. I feel he has poor social skills.

He just wouldn’t give up and it drove me mad.

When he wasn’t doing that he would just talk about himself endlessly, and go into great amounts of detail that I really didn’t want to know!!

Ahhh he is so boring???! Pleeeaaassseee don’t let him be a mirror to me… I couldn’t bare it…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:41am
623: Starla says:

lookin at my fb pic, feeling mortified by my big nose. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh it looks bigger today in the picture, haha. WTF.

I really am beautiful, though. I have a beauty about me that is unique and peaceful, and I know this about myself.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:42am
624: Rebecca says:

Starla ~ I love your attitude! You rock!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:44am
625: Dominique says:

Mel – #573 – Whenever something new or big/eventful/life changing within the relationship is about to happen or does happen, the old triggers will raise their heads again. It may feel like the same old stuff, and it is in a way, BUT it’s really just a reminder that there’s more to heal, another layer to peel away.

These feelings will subside as you accustom to the new living situation.

You’re on high alert too, as you said, this feels too good to be true. The other show will surely drop anytime.

Keep reminding yourself that these are your lying gremlins and nothing more It will help take the edge off.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:53am
626: Dominique says:

Mel – You can still share with him about the car. You can tell him you felt caught off guard, and on further thought….

You know how to say what you need to say.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:57am
627: lk says:

lol, starla… that is like me having a complex that one of my cheeks is like 400 yards wide. LOL but i do, so i sympathize : ))))))))

(pls. don’t go stalking for cyber-evidence, ok? it’s really embarrassing how wide & empty one side of my face is…… like….. a desolate life-less planet…)

yeah, & anywayz, the girls i always think are the like DROP DEAD GORGEOUS ones are like…… well, they’re just drop dead gorgeous. they walk that way, talk that way. they’re kind, composed, graceful, poised, optimistic, gentle…. (((((StarlaAngelGoddessBeauty))))

side-note. that’s probably why i feel “ugly” – because i feel so “selfish” & “me-me-me” & a little “trapped” by my ego…. yeah, proud, jealous, angry, lustful, greedy, ignorant….. UMMMMMMMMMM yeah, i don’t know. i know i’m not so “guilty” but right now i forget why & i remember forgetting why before & remembering again, so this time i’ll just choose the path toward “no-guilt” without knowing “why” : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:57am
628: lk says:

sorry, starla – i interrupted myself talking to you, but what i was saying is just, Yes – you are wonderfully beautiful : ))))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:00am
629: Heart says:

Had an awesome time with a friend.

Manboy didn’t post on FB for a while and when he eventually did….it was to talk about sports.
I felt angyry, disappointed and then I was ok.
I guess the theory that he need a little encouragement to feel safe was Wrong! Lol! I feel good about knowing this…my mind is more settled now. This whole thing is a total waste of my time.

Anyway, I’m hanging out with my friend this weekend again…soo looking forward to it but I’m wondering…should I keep hnging out with him…we cuddled a bit last time and now I’m odering about boundaries….should I keep hanging out with him if we’re crossing the platonic lines?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:02am
630: Starla says:

Thank you, lk, you’re like the prettiest little tiny thing ever

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:03am
631: Heart says:

btw – the friend I had an awesome time with is different from the one I’m asking about…it’s the friend from last weekend….lets call the friend A.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:10am
632: lk says:

thanks, iamabutterfly : ) i like reading you too : ))))

it feels so lovely to read women & their feelings & seeing the amazingly peaceful way some people can do things & i do want to learn to communicate so peacefully, like “ahh” gentle sigh of relief – cool water – slow, easy

reading FMs & speeches & situations & stories about old patterns that feel bad & new patterns that feel good & developing the power of choice…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:10am
633: Starla says:

also your face is not wider on one side? i never noticed.

it’s hard for me because i got called pinnicchhio (sp?) nose growing up, and those mean kids really got to me! haha. stupid kids.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:12am
634: ReceivingGirl says:

I have to vent. I’m in a bad mood today and this girl I work with is really pressing my buttons. She is constantly doing this (so it’s not just my bad mood).

I feel judged EVERY day. Whether she comments about my make-up, my hair, whether I look tired, look good, slept enough, my eyes are red, What I should be eating, what I am eating, etc….it’s always something every single FN day.

Today, she asked me if I have any plans after work. I told her I may go for a walk. She asked, with a company. I said no. She said, why not? (I’m already annoyed at this point because I know where this is leading.) I said, Cause nobody but me is crazy enough to want to walk in 90+ degrees She said, could you please follow someone’s heart, rather than yours?

I have not responded. I don’t need to be told what to do. I don’t need to be judged. I feel I am under a microscope all the time. I feel so tense. I feel so angry. I can feel myself holding my breath because I am so angry.

This is how I feel with my parents. I don’t need a 3rd parent telling me how wrong I am. I don’t need to feel this way at my work.

Not only that, I also am not my boss’s keeper. She constantly emails me asking me if he is available. Go find out for yourself and just leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with her. She is only a temp too. She constantly has questions that I need to answer for her. She can’t do anything for herself. She interrupts me numerous times a day. I have enough of my own work to do.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:23am
635: lk says:

mel, i feel so happy to have you as an inspiration.

the move-in has been pretty wonderful for me……. gosh, i guess we’ve been living together for 3 months already! about a month ago i seriously trxpped out…. the exact thing you are talking about …. riotous NVs, ridiculous & vicious gremlins…. but i just did not handle it with your grace, lady!!!! it was actually a huge lesson in how immature i am & i enjoyed it & i am still working on remembering, “ok, lk, that’s fine that you feel that way, & i’m totally not beating up on you or trying to silence you or shut you down, but i’d just like to point out that there are literally infinite directions you could go with that thought or energy, so maybe if you want to get a little curious in the next few moments & imagine other ways to feel… maybe even imagine the ideal way you want to feel……” giving myself permission to Not Express a negative emotion feels intense too…. it’s all super-intense.

also, i trxp out in general about things like, “oh, is this where i want to set myself up to go in 20 years” or “i’m going to get old & ugly & mean & he’ll Cheat !” lol…. yeah, i have a million terrible stories to tell myself : )

but practicing just noticing, & saying, ok, cool, lk. yeah, i know, you make up some pretty exciting stories ! wow, you are really a good storyteller! ….. now why don’t you get out of everyone else’s “Minds” & just feel your body & breathe & stand tall & choose a peaceful, loving action !!! : )

anyway, yes. i love living with cd : ) i can’t wait to go home tonight : ))) & i feel loved, cherished, taken-care-of, & committed-to….

& i’m just practicing, just trying, & just intending to open up to the full joy of it… : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:25am
636: Esteemed says:

Feeling tense and yucky. Just had lunch with four contractors and recruiter from our employment agency. In your face lady dominating all conversation.

I was assigned to work with her today to fill in a complex spreadsheet. I felt extremely uncomfortable with her at my desk. Extremely bad vibes.

I said in a light way we would get more done if we split it up and worked on it separately. She said angrily we were assigned to work on it together. Talk to the team leader if you want to change things.

He’s in a meeting so just collecting myself. I sense that no Mayer what I do, she is out to turn me into toast.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:39am
637: Esteemed says:

I was late for about the sixth time. I how I don’t get fired.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:43am
638: lk says:

OMG starla, i was just thinking last night how terribly terribly tragically sad it is that children are so mercilessly teased. & often just a few are singled out.

i was teased… from kindergarten on. for some reason, i kind of took it in stride (sometimes I’d get “mad” & like, threaten to sue LOL but i was always super-formal about my complaints…. my dad says, 1x, say please stop. 2x tell an authority. 3x hit ‘em. so i was always tattling on my peers… which i’m sure made everything exponentially worse…)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:52am
639: Tam says:

@ Heart, I’d cross the platonic lines is it feels good and takes your mind off manboy. I find it helps to have a little distraction/affection
If it doesn’t feel right then maybe not.
I’d probably go for it

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:54am
640: Starla says:

lol, lk, that’s so funny that you’d threaten to sue! I used to suggest they seek professional psychiatric help. I love our formal ways!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:56am
641: lk says:

esteemed,

i feel you on the late-ness thing. the other day i sent my boss an email actually, just saying, “good morning, i wanted to apologize for being late this morning. i recognize that promptness is an issue for me and i don’t want to seem rude or careless. please know that i’m continuing to work on this problem. thank you for your patience, lk”

in addition, possibly your co-worker feels intimidated by the “complex” work ? & would prefer to work with your help : ) just a re-frame, maybe more fun to think about : ))

ummmmm UMMMMM & also, i think women in the workplace have a complicated dynamic. i want to forgive myself & all the women in my workplace for all of our internal Jabs & Snide Comments & Impatience & Jealousy… (((women)))

i mentioned this to rebecca, but i think it’s so funny on south park, one of the kid’s mom’s (stan’s?) has this shake weight telling her what women want to hear like, “have you lost weight? your hair looks fabulous. tell me about the women you dislike most at work” LOL it gave me some perspective : ))))

have a great day! lunch & a new job & complex assignment all sound fun & good & alive & healthy like new green grass : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:58am
642: Dominique says:

Esteemed – I’ve been noticing this patter in you for awhile and wondered to myself if maybe this wasn’t so, but it happens over an over again with you.

There is this sense within you, this fear really, that “everyone” is out to get you, harm you, turn you to toast as you just said.

No matter what someone says or does which may belie this, how about going with this instead. “This person means me no harm. She has my best interest at heart, as well as her own. She likes me. She wants to hang out with me, work with me, listen to what I have to say. etc.”

This will change your energetic vibe hugely. Right now I see you go into and automatic pilot, antagonistic one, sometimes from the get go.

I understand your past and why you might feel this way. It’s time to let this go. Most people ARE GOOD PEOPLE. Try seeing them all in this way.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:07am
643: Starla says:

I’m late to everything ever, and oddly have yet to get in any trouble for this.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:09am
644: lk says:

it’s also really really shaming to be singled out as a child…. like, the whole rest of your life, maybe, you wander around feeling like, “but what makes me not-human? what makes me not-of-the-group? is it this horrible hair ? my birth mark ? is it my voice ? do i just have really bad ideas all the time ? am i just dull or dumb? do people really not like me, or am i just too ugly to look at long enough to be friends ??” LOL poor humans !!!!!!!

but maybe it’s easier to realize you aren’t the most repulsive thing alive, than to realize that just because you were prom queen, doesn’t mean you get to have a job or nice family or children… & that not having a job or nice family or children does NOT make you “less than” or anything…. wah wah weee wah i feel confused i’m going to go have lunch : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:09am
645: Mel says:

Yay! I’m so glad I shared with Mr A. I feel so grateful for his kind wise ideas, so I didn’t want him to think me ungrateful

Here’s a bit…

“I felt a little twinge of fear (… or something) yesterday when you suggested selling my car. And that may have come across as not appreciating your thoughtful and practical suggestion. And I would feel bad if you thought that I didn’t appreciate you; I know your suggestion came with a lot of thought and consideration for helping me…. and I feel thankful for that.”

Then I said a bit about how being isolated without a car felt for me in the past and about how liberated and free I felt the day I bought it. That knowing I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, made me feel confident and secure and like my happy self. And I really like feeling that way.

“The free-spirited little butterfly needs her wings to feel happy… though she’ll always return to your fingertip.”

He replied: “No worries. I totally get you. And I hope she will always return to my fingertip.”

I feel happy to be ‘got’

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:11am
646: ReceivingGirl says:

Mel I feel so happy you expressed yourself. He sounds like such a great guy!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:15am
647: ReceivingGirl says:

Whenever I get really tense & worked up, I can feel the spot where I had my pleurisy pain. It’s so strange. I don’t like feeling that.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:18am
648: Mel says:

Thanks Dominique! I had a feeling the goodness of the big life change was causing my NVs to activate.

lk, LOVE it!!:

“yeah, i know, you make up some pretty exciting stories ! wow, you are really a good storyteller! ….. now why don’t you get out of everyone else’s “Minds” & just feel your body & breathe & stand tall & choose a peaceful, loving action !!!”

I’m so happy things are going well for you and cd in your new home.

T-girl, Love Actually, Jilly, FW, Receiving Girl, et al… thanks for your support!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:21am
649: LoveAlways says:

CD song really triggered me today. When we get to close he pushes me away. I have to riff through this to see what I’m honestly feeling. I’m having such varying feelings. I feel in my soup totally in response!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:30am
650: ReceivingGirl says:

Today is ShyGuy’s birthday. I sent him a text this morning to wish him a happy birthday. He replied, thank you. I feel he is going to be avoidant of me again since his texts from the other day when my phone wasn’t working.

I really wish he would overcome this. He’s a great guy who wants a family, but he’s standing in his own way. Now, he’s the only one out of 4 brothers who isn’t married with kids. 3 new nieces & nephews this year & it’s the first time he held a baby. He was really freaked over it.

It’s written all over his face that’s what he wants. He’s constantly helping out with those kids.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:31am
651: Calypso says:

ReceivingGirl – I would reply to her, “Are you hitting on me?” Lol

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:33am
652: Simply Goddess says:

Hi Sirens

Well he picked me up last night and it was too late to even bother talking about anything. We just got on as though nothing happened.
Anyway, he’s back on faceook today. He clearly didnt delete and block me like he said, he just deactivated knowing he could reactivate and be back to normal at any time.

Anyway, we’ve been ok today. He’s sent a few texts. I’ve been nice. He’s really got into fitness gym etc and has even less time for me now.

Well he asked me what I was doing (he’s in work) and I said I was just with my nephew and feeling hungry and that I missed his cooking. I really do. He used to always make an effort and cook for me.
In fact he used to say “Please stay tonight, I’ll cook ……” and try and entice me with his cooking haha in a jokey way.

Anyway he text back something else.

I said why don’t we get together and you can sometime!

Anyway, he text “Pick a day and bring the food and Ill cook”

This really triggered me. Argh. He’s the one who used to always want me down. He would never tell me to buy the food etc.
Now if I want to come down I pick a day and I buy the food if I want him to cook. As though he isnt that bothered.

I feel so bloody unloved.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:45am
653: Simply Goddess says:

..and yet petty and sensitive over that but it’s just completely different to how he used to be.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:49am
654: Simply Goddess says:

It really seems wrong to me to say Ok I’m coming down now.tomorrow.. and then going to the shop and buying all the food for him to cook it for me. Its not my defenition of being loved and cared for by a man. I want him to decide and him to buy and cook for me like he used to. Hes the man.

Maybe I’m just being petty.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:55am
655: Starla says:

LOL, Alaska didn’t stay away for very long, Mr. Let’s Burn The Bridge And I Wish You Well.

He’s liking my facebook stuff.

poor, confused Alaska.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:55am
656: Silver Moonbeam says:

#637 Esteemed

Just how important is this job and a means to earn a living to you?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:55am
657: Starla says:

Simply Goddess, you don’t have to reply at all <3

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 11:57am
658: lk says:

simply goddess, he’s responding more feminine, because you took away his masculine chance by initiating the plan – “I said why don’t we get together and you can sometime!”

also, i read you saying he was txtng & you were being “nice” …. to me, that sounds like “putting on a front” – like not being authentic. what do you think??

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:05pm
659: Esteemed says:

Super took me aside and said his bosses saw me sleeping yesterday…twice.

He was utterly compassionate and accepting, and he said he doesn’t know yet if they are going to let go bit he’s giving me a heads up so I’m not blind sided. We shall see. In the meantime, very hats to concentrate.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
660: lk says:

simply goddess –

i’d just say, ” aw, lol, i’ll feel better if you were to choose a day, invite me over, cook me something delicious, romance me… : ) “

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
661: Simply Goddess says:

Maybe maybe. Being nice was quite sincere as I was in a really good mood over things today. Although things that have been happening are still in the back of my head. Of course.

I did think that when I responded that way. Definitely shouldn’t have initiated.
How do I reverse that blip. Argh! haha.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:09pm
662: Gemini says:

@458 Receiving Girl

“Ack!! I was mindful of this this afternoon and I’ve had many thoughts of Mr. Observant. Like hundreds. I turned my thoughts away each time. Wow.”

For real!! I didn’t realize how much of my time & brain space I allow men to occupy….no wonder I’m behind on work and stressed!! Focus, focus grasshopper….

I was using the letting go tool from Rori’s newsletter yesterday, like ALL DAY! It was interesting how the process shifted…at first, I was feeling very clingy and grasping tight, and I would turn grudgingly and have to force myself to focus on something else. Then it started to feel like more hanging on because someone is leaving on a trip and you’re lingering with the goodbye…the letting go didn’t feel so hard, and I was much more interested and excited about focusing on something else. Then it turned to a quick wave, peace out homie, all the best! And now let me get on with living my life!

And then there’s reality of course steps in the right direction though!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:10pm
663: Simply Goddess says:

Thanks lk. You’ve really made sense. xx

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:12pm
664: Gemini says:

Ifeoma…sending you much love and support!! You are strong and brave and beautiful! Do you have access to legal resources/advice? for example things like restraining orders, visitation for children, etc….

I’ve been down this road before and can share from my experience, happy to help in any way. My email address is krystal.sundstrom@gmail.com if you’d like to connect (that goes for anyone). Blessings!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:15pm
665: Starla says:

I just looked at my fb pic again and now my nose looks good to me? haha i have serious issues.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:16pm
666: Starla says:

Gemini, don’t mean to scare you, but if you share that email with anyone besides the sirens (like you use it for personal or work with anyone), they can find you here by googling for it or your name. You can write to Rori and have her remove it from your post.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:21pm
667: Esteemed says:

Moonbeam,

I feel the condemnation Rori talks about with your innocent question.

I feel shut down.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:21pm
668: Gemini says:

oooh yikes, thank you Starla!! i will send a message to rori!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
669: lk says:

yay : ) that’s fun to feel helpful & sense-making : )

your picture is really pretty & looks like fun too. & also Sassy !! : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:27pm
670: Esteemed says:

Moonbeam,

I’m talking about a real medical condition, not mere irresponsibility.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:27pm
671: Daria says:

Esteemed – mm im feeling mad

i didnt want tweaks for that, i felt pleased i used fms the whole time completely in tune w myself

***
are you saying you would have used an FM as in – u didn’t like that he wanted to keep it up in the air? –

i was also practicing letting men lead completely and not trying to fix him down. I felt happy when he suggested that and happy to follow his suggestion and ready to get off the phone

the conversation was semi made up as i didnt remember exactly wat was said

what felt amazing to me was being able to say – i actually feel unsure about this it feels kina up in the air so i dont want to make myself a plan around it… what do u think?

which was sooo honest

and him actually telling me what he thinks – that we should keep it up in the air

i felt great w the direction our leader was taking us in!

now i knew to keep it in the air and i no longer wanted to be on the phone

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
672: Francesca says:

Kids used to pick on my when I was young because I had pimples, I was always breaking out.

Talk about helping me raise my self-esteem.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:32pm
673: lk says:

me too, moonbeam. i feel bad reading that punctuality is directly & concretely related to how much i want to provide for myself.

i also feel bad being asked to do things… amazing magical things…. by the motions of a “clock” which is a small, inaccurate machine that humans make & worship, based on the belief that some things in the universe can be “measured”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:35pm
674: Francesca says:

There are some countries where punctuality is seen as not very important.

Matter of fact, everyone expects everybody else to be late.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:38pm
675: Simply Goddess says:

Aww Thanks lk.

I wrote your suggestion to him about ‘romance me’ etc. It seemed authentic and fun.

He said “haha you’re a tit! (I took that affectionately haha) You pick a day, I’ll make ……… (my favourite)”

Noooo! You pick a bloody day MAN!!! haha

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:41pm
676: Starla says:

672 Francesca
Me too. I remember this one girl used to walk by me on the way home with all the “cool kids” and say things like “wash your face!” over and over to me.

I did wash my face, duh! Ahhhhh

CF’s sister was part of that very crowd. She’s not like that anymore, though.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:43pm
677: Starla says:

Simply Goddess, I think it’s nice he wants you to pick the day. Cuz YOU’RE the center of the universe, sweety:)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:45pm
678: Simply Goddess says:

Aww.. I guess so. I get really confused with this stuff. I thought he was supposed to make the decisions, ask me etc. Maybe he’s caring more by allowing me. I don’t know.

I guess its just really awkward for me to say a day right now seen as he’s working lates and only finishes at midnight and I just assume he’d rather go the gym or something tomorrow day than see me. I feel like I’m getting in the way. I shouldn’t feel like that, I know.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:50pm
679: Simply Goddess says:

Before anyone says it.

“Get out of his head! You don’t know what he’d rather do! If he had plans he’d probably be straight forward and tell you!!”

haha..

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:52pm
680: lk says:

(((Francesca)))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:53pm
681: Brandylion says:

Blah.

I spent Monday and Tuesday feeling pretty detached from PriestCD. He left on Monday for a 3-week-ish school trip to Europe, and I don’t know exactly when he’ll be back. He said he’d call me to talk about the trip or post pictures on Facebook or something when I told him I felt curious about it.

There was something about knowing that he’s not only very, very far away but also not spending time with his new girlfriend that felt good to me. I was really feeling okay with the idea of actually never seeing or speaking to him again unless he initiates contact and plans a visit.

And now today I feel sad that I will never again find someone who has all the qualities I liked in him. I’ll find someone with some of those qualities, but not all. And that guy will have other qualities that I like too that PriestCD lacks. But I still feel so sad because there were *so* many things I liked.

The converse is true, too: he will never again find someone who has all the qualities he liked in me. He’s found someone who has some of those qualities, but not all. And she has other qualities that he likes that I lacked.

Somehow, I don’t feel better that there will never be a true replacement of me in his life. He still didn’t want me, and he didn’t want me so much that he was engaging emotionally with someone else less than two months after deciding to be done with me and started dating her exclusively a few weeks after that.

I posted a profile on brainiacdating.com yesterday, and there are still no messages. Daria, I don’t know what was in your profile or whatever on your favorite social site, but I was lucky to get contacted by one man per week total when I had three different profiles up. It’s disheartening, and I feel so hopeless that I will actually meet the man who is right for me.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:53pm
682: Simply Goddess says:

and now I’m talking to myself. The first sign of madness. Great! haha.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:53pm
683: Francesca says:

Starla, so was I, I was washing my face, perhaps too often, which seemed to aggravate my situation.

How I hated these days, though…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:56pm
684: Francesca says:

Thanks, lk.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:57pm
685: Starla says:

omg there’s a braniac date site? wow hahah awesome!!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:57pm
686: lk says:

yeah, isn’t it weird to see people who used to bully you ? & they’re all normal humans LOL : )

i even went on a date a few years ago with this boy who in 6th grade absolutely TORTURED me LOL omg… we were definitely secretly madly in love back then though. anywayz, he’s just a plain-jane human of the Normal variety, like every last one of us Freaks in the Universe

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:58pm
687: Francesca says:

SG, talking to ourselves is a sign of intelligence and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 12:58pm
688: Simply Goddess says:

Am I jut showing my insecurity by not picking a day?
Is he showing his by not picking a day also?
Maybe we’re both a bit wary after the space and everything that has gone on.
We’d never usually be like this.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:00pm
689: Francesca says:

lk, I haven’t seen these people for years now.

I moved away from my home town a long time ago.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:01pm
690: lk says:

omg starla, that’s hilarious. did you ever have an okcupid profile ? they ask like puzzle questions & stuff… it’s funny, since the Qs are user-generated. is that like all sites? i’ve only done OKC (hey! that’s how i met CD : ) !! )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:03pm
691: Starla says:

Alaska is posting song lyrics on his fb
“I been through heartbreaks to breakups to make ups to broke again.
Now back again, my soul’s on the rope again.
Took the jacket off and saw blood on my sleeves.
When you wear your heart there this is the puddle it leaves.”

Seriously, we hung out less than 10 times… and most of that was over 2 or 3 weeks.

Poor guy.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:10pm
692: lk says:

i still live in my home town : ) it’s a funny feeling & actually it kind of feels like being “home alone” when you’re like… in middle school or high school… because a lot of people i knew are living other places & i kind of feel like i have an entire adult social scene “to myself” without many intrusions from my childhood peers.

so flipping weird for me to say “intrusions” lol… i just mean, it’s kind of nice that i get to Fake being fully “grown-up” just cuz all the ones who know i’m a baby are in L.A. or N.Y. lol… & anyway i chill with massively older humans which is pretty cool, but sometimes i feel “not-cool” & very “fan-club”

ok i have things to do & i really like chatting but i really really really love leaving the office with a bunch of things checked off my to-do list : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:11pm
693: Smile says:

Went to spin class tonight. I feel energised!!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:12pm
694: Starla says:

It must be going around –
My coworker just gave me ‘cr*p’ for how many breaks I take at work, and it made me feel really ‘in trouble.’

boo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:14pm
695: Francesca says:

Wow, Starla, he sounds pretty intense.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:14pm
696: Starla says:

I still live in my home town:) I actually live in my home “neighborhood” still. I moved back to it a year ago and I love it, except everything reminds me of thatoneguy

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:16pm
697: Simply Goddess says:

Constant work widow. Sucks. I feel lonely at how much I don’t see him. Not even considering the space. He works practically 7 days a week. No wonder.
I feel un siren like as though I shouldnt mind and miss him and not tell him that. But I do feel that.

What’s the point in having a partner really if you barely spend time with them. It sucks.
Then I think well if I was single I wouldnt spend time with him either. If that makes sense.

Work widow. Yeah I can get out and do things but there’s only so much. I wouldn’t have a boyfriend if I didn’t like spending time with him. Cuddles on the couch, relaxing, spending time together, chatting.
Work widow… and when he gets a day off. Child widow. Of course.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:19pm
698: Esteemed says:

Daria,

Makes total sense and you communicated exactly what you wanted.

I didn’t want to make you mad after you shared with us. I like to overreact with the dialogues of others add a means of practice. How do you feel about that?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:23pm
699: Esteemed says:

Thanks for your comments on punctuality.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:24pm
700: Francesca says:

I would love to still live in my home town (although it’s more a village than a town) but it’s such a small place and there are no jobs there.

Also, everybody knows what everybody else is doing, so there’s no real privacy.

I like where I am now but I’ll be happier when I move in with my man (in a small village as well) but I’ll still have to commute to come to work here, a 25-minute ride or so.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:25pm
701: Starla says:

Alaska just keeps fb posting and posting stuff about how bad he’s feeling. It’s like he wants to flaunt his bad feelings in my face.

It’s just reinforcing my choice not to date him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:27pm
702: Francesca says:

SG, my man works 7 days a week too and he’s 7 hours away.

I guess I’m a work widow too.

But I knew that from the get-go so I can’t complain.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:27pm
703: Starla says:

And my big nose picture is still really giving me some major anxiety!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:28pm
704: Simply Goddess says:

Aww. Mines an hour away.
Works shifts so random hours.
I want to text him right now and tell him how lonely I feel. He says he doesnt want to be in work either.

Mine didn;t have a job when we met, he’d just been laid off. We spent lots of time together. It’s hard to get used to. It doesnt suit me at all unfortunately. Well especially when I’m still waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of time on my hands to miss him even more.

Only so much I can do my own thing, go out with friends etc due to money, resources etc. I’m going to feel like this at some point. Should I tell him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:31pm
705: Femininewoman says:

Simply Goddess can you think of it just as dates when you see him?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:42pm
706: Simply Goddess says:

I replied to his food suggestion with “Aww, my favourite. Miss it. I feel lonely at night time.”

Probably shouldnt have it just came out.

He replied straight away “Well come down tonight then”

It means driving an hour to pick him up at midnight and now I feel as though he’s only saying that because I said I felt lonely.

FW I wish I could go back to feeling like that. We used to spend so much time together it would be very hard to now.
We barely have time for ‘dates’ anyway.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:54pm
707: Daria says:

Esteemed – thanks

ps you might be like me and a job at a desk with set hours – just isnt part of what you want to do in life

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 1:56pm
708: Tam says:

Lately low self esteem on men has me freaking out.
When I read the Alaska stuff that freaks me out.

When I see Mr U posting all these lies on his POF profile, like he is looking for a relationship, kids, that he is athletic (not at the moment), loving (he wrote loving when he is as loving as a concrete post and very un-affectionate due to his upbringing)..it just annoys me. Why can’t people be honest and real about themselves?

My ex is also on POF, and he is back to colouring his hair (I asked him to go grey and natural and he looked stunning with it)….AND he posted a pic of himself with the caption underneath ‘I do not have a belly, it’s the passport belt under the shirt’ (a holiday snap). It does not show at all.

I think men with low self esteem and changing/flippant nature are trouble. I really do. I like to be with people who are just relaxed with who they are. I definitely notice the Florida viba with all this emphasis on looks and being perfect. What’s that all about, we are humans not caredboard cut-outs. Pfffff

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:03pm
709: Tam says:

‘cardboard’ cut outs lol

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:05pm
710: Daria says:

Simply Goddess – everytime you spend time with a man, including this one, is a DATE

so you might as well acknowledge it as such

u dont want to spend ur ROMANTIC DATE acting like girl who goes to a guy’s house and drives late and does logistic stuff

this is YOUR PLACE TO REQUIRE how you want to be treated

you will never be treated better than you require – NEVER. because a man assumes what you require is what you WANT and enjoy

so require what you want, and look at your time with this man as what it is – a DATE

that will give a more clear perspective on what you have, what you can have when you require it, and what you want and don’t want

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:06pm
711: Simply Goddess says:

..but I know he’d probably come to mine but I have his car. So it’s up to me to drive really.

I dunno.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:09pm
712: Simply Goddess says:

If I dont go tonight, Id have to go tomorrow night or the night after. I have the car right now, he cant come to me and thats when he finishes. Tricky situation.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:10pm
713: Daria says:

Tam – ok i feel scared to say this but it feels bad reading your posts abt this man

itd feel so much better to read about you acknowledging your anger and moving away from blame

i mean – he’s a human being – we all think we’re loving. He IS loving.

He is telling the truth by describing himself that way.

Your relationship didn’t work out and stuff felt bad –

it won’t heal by blaming him.

Healing is in feeling the anger, and moving away from blaming him, so you can harness all the energy for yourself and your life

blaming him and stalking him is like beating yourself up more and more

use that energy to take babysteps and RIFF your emotions, and embrace them, and heal what this is about YOU (cuz its not about him. really no matter what he did, how he acted, its not. you were there. you are not now. its only only only about you)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:11pm
714: Daria says:

Check out the Power and Self Esteem section, click back to the oldest posts, and work out riffing

judging and putting down men will NOT HELP YOU! it WILL keep you stuck, even on this blog, it can keep you stuck for years

you have every right to do that if you want, it feels bad to read it to me though (i can skip posts so no pressure on you)

and i feel sad thinking it’s gonna keep on – this is a place to use Rori’s tools to babystep ahead to feeling happy and i would feel glad to see that for you

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:15pm
715: Radiant Rising says:

Sirens, I’m so gushing!

I spoke to Loverboy today on the phone. We were first emailing and I was asking him all sorts of questions about love and what it means to him, so he suddenly called.

He started teasing me asking me what my desires were and what I wanted and those who know me, I get very, very shy. I can barely utter a word that’s how shy I get. He knows that, and he kept chuckling hearing my expressions. After we were through talking I was beaming! Everyone at home noticed. So later again I checked my email and he wrote “It was wonderful speaking with you.”

I told him it was for me too, and that everyone noticed my vibe shift. He said, “Noticed it in a good way or bad way? How was your vibe?” So I got cheeky. I said…”Hmm I think I’d rather decide not t tell you and guess for yourself.” ~

He said, “I’ll guess good. I’m not a very good guesser.”

I said, “Sure. But here’s a secret…it wasn’t good. It was spectacular. :-$

Then he said, “:-) There are many reasons why I love you. Making my heart beat fast is one of them.”

I can’t stop smiling and I feel like crying.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:22pm
716: Starla says:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/171930-getting-point-wanting-get-over-your-ex

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:25pm
717: Daria says:

oh! what you dont love about yourself triggers you!

wow im not loving the part of me that blames and judges men!

or the part of me that forgets about the romance and thinks romance clashes with the comfortableness of intimacy and home

intimacy is not romantic!!!! – in my thoughts

wow im CHANGING This now

i intend to shift this belief and change my experience

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:44pm
718: Radiant Rising says:

Daria – “Intimacy is not romantic”

I have the same thoughts! Trying to heal that for myself as well, without totally giving up on wanting some distance.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:48pm
719: Tam says:

@Daria, well, yes, feel free to skip through my posts, I have been skipping through most of yours too as a matter of fact (there are so many), but I chose not to make a big deal out of it because I didn’t want to draw your attention to it, it would feel to me like I was shutting you out and I saw no point in vocalising that.

I agree that, as humans, we are all loving. I also, as a human, judge the people around me (even if I might pretend not to), judge myself and at the same time forgive the people around me and myself also. Honesty is important to me.

The guy told me that he was not a very ‘loving’ guy. It’s something he will say of himself. I don’t say it out of spite, I don’t hate him and he has plenty of good qualities.
He says of himself that he has cold blood and is like ice, that he probably can’t do relationship etc etc. Sooooooooooo in my view he crafts an online presence that is inauthentic, and although yes, I should not look at it, I did and it triggered me. Perhaps I could say that it felt good that he showed the ‘real’ him to me…and opened up about his problems.
Well, yes we can all post online what we want and it isn’t any of my business…but also I don’t want to feel like I have to apologise for expressing myself on the blog, much like I don’t expect that from anyone else here.
And if I say that I feel better with people who are at ease with who they are, don’t have very low self esteem and don’t feel the need to make up a persona which does not correspond with the real person – then that is a personal preference of mine.

And again, it has to do with honesty…I am just not a big fan of liars including people who lie about their real age etc – it’s all growing on the same soil, the soil of deceit and low self esteem…and it makes me feel uneasy, on guard, a bit like ‘what else are they lying about’. It’s preference, like I also prefer dogs to cats, blue eyes to brown eyes etc etc. It’s called making a choice, not necessarily excluding people but having a preference….for honest people that feel good in their own skin.

All men show up as a lesson but once we learnt the lesson it seems a bit silly to keep repeating it..

We can agree to disagree maybe.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:50pm
720: Rebecca says:

I keep catching myself feeling angry at myself for not being ‘good enough’..

I keep looking in the mirror and ‘judgeing’ myself. This is not good. I need to turn this around and truly 100% think that I am gorgeous no matter what.

What is it inside me that says I’m not good enough? I feel like I am projecting this into other people and I don’t want to do this..

I want to feel BEAUTIFUL and happy in my own skin. Oh, what joy that will be..

I want to love my hair… My face… My body… My personality..

I WANT to celebrate my uniqueness….

I am working at this. I am working at listening to my feelings… I am working at NOT comparing myself to others…. Aggghhh

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:51pm
721: Sassy says:

My heart is sad and broken.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:56pm
722: Radiant Rising says:

720 – (((Rebecca))) I’m in the same boat you are. We can work on this for ourselves together.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:58pm
723: Tam says:

(((Sassy))))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 2:59pm
724: lk says:

starla, that’s an awesome essay. thanks for sharing : )

it’s so amazing that i’m bigger than my emotions WOW haha i’m picturing my emotions being the size of the universe & i am larger than that. i love that craziness

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:02pm
725: Tam says:

Ladies, what do you do when one of your dates really starts to fall for you and all the honesty, open-ness and feeling messages work really nicely basically…but you are not sure about him…how do you carry on dating without feeling uneasy about him falling for you when you might not be?
Do you date them less/more?
How do you deal with that, without withdrawing too much?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:11pm
726: Rebecca says:

Sirens ~ I have a question about triggers.

When it comes to our loved ones triggering us I feel like the advice is, to my mind cloudy.

People say things like ‘Your mum is just trying to be helpful’ etc, etc

Yet, if it was not a loved one speaking to us like that, would the advice be different?

I’m not sure if this makes sense, but somethibg that this post particularly triggered in me…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:20pm
727: lk says:

sometimes, i even see “romantic gestures” as a lack of understanding of the depth of my “intimate relationship” that i desire : ) WOW i really don’t want to hold that belief LOL ! & i’m thinking of literally hundreds of times men have said things to me that seem like… flirtatious, sweet, charming, saucy, sexy, etc. ….. & i’ve looked up at them, made eye contact like, “you’re a total fool. watch me walk away.” & felt in my heart, “this idiot doesn’t get me ! doesn’t he know that i want REAL connection! i don’t want to flirt like idiots in the kitchen” LOL …..

OMG so exciting ! i sent this random dude an email asking him for help with a couple things…. & now he is all, oh you are really effective. what else do you want to do for my organization ? LOL HOORAH I’M A BADASSS

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:21pm
728: lk says:

rebecca, i say, Yes – i really don’t want to Blame ANYONE for ANYTHING, EVER & also i’d really prefer to feel easily that nothing was “directed at me personally” which it actually never is. even if someone looks you in the eye & says, “rebecca, you’re not quite doing it for me today” what they mean is, “welp, something is not right in my life & i’m making eye contact with you right now” LOLLLLL that’s how i want to hear it anywayz : )

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:23pm
729: lk says:

also, it helps me to imagine us as an infinite spinning network of infinitely connected particles…. like… our individual gravities all operate collectively on each other to hold everything in place….. wah wah wah

shoop, shoop, woop

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:26pm
730: lk says:

tam, why don’t you practice using a FM to express if you’re overwhelmed or whatevs by a CD’s ministrations

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:30pm
731: Francesca says:

Starla, what you posted @716 is basically what you’ve been doing, isn’t it?

That’s pretty cool!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:32pm
732: Rebecca says:

Okay ~ second question.,

If someone doesn’t change or step up, no matter how many feeling messages you use. Do you..

A stay

B walk away

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:33pm
733: Tam says:

730 – thank you LK..I think I am ahead of myself here…it is a scenario that I see coming next week, so I am trying to prepare..

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:37pm
734: Francesca says:

Rebecca,

Walk away.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:40pm
735: Starla says:

Francesca – mostly I have been doing this. But I haven’t done the part at all where you *want* to get over them. I imagine this is because of the way CF left me totally hanging. This should make it easier to get over him, cuz what a jerk, but it obviously makes it a lot harder, too.

Plus I often wonder if any day now he’ll grow a pair and talk to me like a grown up.

So I’m keeping myself on the hook.

I think when I start dating, I’ll feel much more ‘over him.’ I’m not going to get over him completely without CDing. But for now, I am enjoying all this time to myself immensely:)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:41pm
736: Francesca says:

Tam,

If you knew how many times I thought something was going to happen but never did…

I lost so much time preparing for a scenario that turned out to be completely different.

So I found out that it was best for me to stop trying to be “prepared” because so many things can change between now and then.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:43pm
737: Starla says:

A – Stay if I can fully and completely accept that man for who he is and the ways he’ll never ‘step up,’ and stop looking at it as ‘stepping up.’

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:43pm
738: Dominique says:

Rebecca – It depends. If it’s family, and you don’t want to walk away from them, then you accept them as they are, send them love, and know they are doing the best they can with whatever meager tools they were given.

If it’s a man, likely you would need to walk away, for to stay may interfere with your own growth and blossoming.

The same would likely apply to a friend.

xxoo

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:43pm
739: ReceivingGirl says:

I’m so glad to be home. I’m going to take my salad by the river to eat and take a short walk.

Mr. Observant called me tonight. He sounds good. He said on on the right road. He sees his doctor for a follow-up tomorrow and they will do blood work. He’s been hanging out with his kids.

They went to a ballgame last night for a team called the Cougars. He said it reminded him of me and he isn’t sure why, so he wanted to call me. When he was delusional he told me that I am a cougar…a cat who wants to be a person. So, that is probably why he thought of me…I’m just guessing. Not sure what exactly it means.

They are going to a concert tonight and then his boys are sleeping over. He told me it was nice to hear my voice, I said the said and he said, I’m sure you are looking good too! He thanked me for answering the phone and asked if I’d be around later (today, tomorrow) so he can call me. I told him I would be.

I still don’t think he’s 100%, but he’s getting there. I feel happy about that. I feel happy he called me too. I was really feeling like leaning forward.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:48pm
740: Francesca says:

That’s good, Starla.

Would you say that you’re closer or further from really wanting to get over him?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:52pm
741: Simply Goddess says:

I didn’t go.
At the end of the day if he’d have really wanted me to go he’d ask me earlier. Like he used to.
Since me saying I feel unloved and everything was coming before me. He’s filled his life up with even more stuff rather than at least make an effort.
I receive no nice texts through the day at all any more. He used to not be able to go a few hours without sweet texts. Up until about a month or so ago.

I said “I’m sure if I’dhave been wanted down I woulda have been asked earlier” ..Shouldnt have I know.

He said “Oh ok.. no worries, You know you can come whenever you want you pelmit (whatever that means)”

I replied “You’re a busy man these days. Never feel wanted or missed, just feel I get in the way.”

He replied, “Well if that’s how you feel theres nothing I can do is there, You know I dont mind you being about, this fat kids got a belly to lose”

I dont want someone who just ‘doesnt mind me being about’. Argh. I want the sweet deep texts, romantic gestures, love and affection I used to have. I want a man present, not just imaginary because he’s always busy with other things to make an effort.
So much for the space doing us good. He didnt step up at all. I feel lonely all the time. I dont feel loved and I dont feel affection.

I was doing so well. Jut have a banging head from a head cold and I just let it out. Ahhhh.. Bash me please.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:53pm
742: Starla says:

woohoo! I am done with work early for the day, because I took lunch at my desk:) I am going to rush home and change into my cute workout clothes and run a few miles (already worked out this morning with a trainer). I am sooo committed to hitting my goals! 10 more pounds to go!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:54pm
743: ReceivingGirl says:

Starla – I didn’t think it would take long for Alaska to be back. I feel sad for him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:55pm
744: Tam says:

Francesca..lol..me too!! Well, the scenario is already here but the next date next week, so I have a bit of time and like you say – it may not happen..

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:57pm
745: Rebecca says:

One thing I’ve learnt is that we are not all triggered by the same thing. I have learnt that when people have said I have tiggered them and I have felt completely shocked, like. ‘Really?? You were triggered by that?’

Other people have triggered me.. Yet if I close my eyes and imagine ANOTHER perdon saying it, I am NOT triggered!! Lol..

Also, other people have told me they are triggered by things and I brush it off telling them NOT to worry about it. Then I realise how flippant I sound to tell them not to worry… I guess in those cases I wasn’t triggered because it was aimed at them rather than me and I selfishly disregarded that..

Hmmm… Not sure whats made me think of this…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:58pm
746: Starla says:

Francesca, your thoughtful questions make me feel really seen:)

Hmmm, neither further nor closer. Just on the hook. Like, “he’ll be back any day now.” It’s gonna be okay, though. I’m just giving it time.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:59pm
747: Francesca says:

(((SG)))

Sorry about what happened.

And sorry about the cold too.

Take good care of yourself.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 3:59pm
748: ReceivingGirl says:

SG, it sounds like he has really low self-esteem right now and is trying to take care of himself. He may be exercising to make himself feel better. I don’t think using up more of his time has anything to do with you. I know you don’t like it, but I don’t think it’s personal.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:01pm
749: Simply Goddess says:

747. Thank you Francesca. Joys of working with kids, you pick up the germs. Head feels like its about to explode.

748: ReceivingGirl

Yea, I probably know this deep down. I just am feeling hurt at the moment as things have changed so much and I’m not getting my needs met but still holding out. He obviously is feeling low about his weight and everything else with the looming holiday. I just need to be told sometimes.
I need a holiday just to recover from the stress this one has bloody caused.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:09pm
750: Heart says:

(((Tam)))

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:12pm
751: owlette says:

i feel something. im not sure what. calm. queasy. relieved. open. on the verge of tears. but in a good way.
maybe.

i wrote to my ex. to apologize. i dont expect a reply back.

the thing with the story with my ex is that i was using so many of rori’s tools during the courting phase this consummate bachelor committed to me. and i was so proud of how i handled my anxiety. until the end. i had financial stress and shut down and i also could see his limitations. and when it ended i lashed out pretty big. i mean to be fair it was actually not that bad compared to how i used to be but this guy had low tolerance for being lashed out at. which is good i think. so he stopped talking to me.

and my pain since then isnt because i want him back. its because i hate that a decent person thought badly of me. and that he would remember my lashing out more than anything else. im having so much trouble forgiving myself. and so i wrote to him. and i feel free.

and still raw. but i feel free.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:14pm
752: Francesca says:

owlette,

Forgive me if I missed something, but I’m not sure who you are…:/

Are you new here or are you a siren who changed her name?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:35pm
753: owlette says:

both actually. i changed the name from arrowofthyme.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 4:37pm
754: ReceivingGirl says:

It’s so nice sitting by the river. There’s a nice breeze & the sun is shining bright. Lots of different birds flying around. I so needed this to help my mood. Hopefully, it will also help me sleep well tonight.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:01pm
755: Puzzled says:

Hi everyone,

I have a question. Why a man, who was sooo understanding and thoughtful and so in love, suddenly turns into an insensitive cold stranger? And why the more to talk about it and tell how it feels and scares – it makes things worst?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:04pm
756: Starla says:

oh, bother. i am home but not feeling very motivated to go running. I have so much CF on the brain, yikes! But then I remember that increasing my self confidence through exercise will improve all my future relationships and running is probably the best thing I can do for myself short- and long-term in this moment.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:08pm
757: Francesca says:

Oh, ok owlette. Hi!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:13pm
758: Femininewoman says:

RE 741 Simply Goddess those lines seem whiny, making him wrong and like you have nothing going on in your life. After you take your space he should be experiencing you as different. He is obviously taking care of himself in the space that you have gifted him with. He has to realize for himself that he misses you. It would be great if you change so much that he feels inspired when he communicates with you. Get stuff going on in your life that fills you up and make you happy. At least give yourself the mental space to think about possibly dating other men.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:14pm
759: Femininewoman says:

Oh Receiving Girl I love sitting by the beach and listening to the waves ebb and flow and crash against the rocks. I find it so soothing.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:16pm
760: mali says:

Sirens, I have a random question…

I’ve read a few times that a man tends to come back to you within six weeks of no contact… I was wondering… why six weeks?! It’s a little strange, dontcha think? Hmm…

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:29pm
761: Femininewoman says:

It is strange mali but it is a phenomenon that many coaches who have worked with men and women have noticed. It seems that it is about then that guys really start missing the women and might even fall apart on himself.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:32pm
762: Femininewoman says:

Rachel – the answer is so quick and simple, you’ll be blown away. This is classic Circular Dating time. Get my ebook right now, if you don’t have it – because you’re going to need to start the soft on the outside, strong on the inside process, then Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right. Get them together if you can. You’re going to be DATING OTHER MEN. Not out of spite, or revenge, or anything else. You simply say you’re lonely, you miss him, and it doesn’t feel right to close off your options without a commitment after all this time. Smile, be warm, have sex with him …but STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Now – you have to get out there so you pull in invitations from other men for coffee, walks, dinner, movies…and DO IT!!!!! This is not a time to be stuck in “girlfriend.” Your attitude is this: “If he loves me, he’ll know that I need more than the time we can have together right now, and he wouldn’t want me to wait for him without a real commitment.” Love, Rori

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:40pm
763: mali says:

Hmm, it is strange… and interesting… I feel amused!
Thanks, FW =)

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:42pm
764: Femininewoman says:

“The fastest way out of a mistake is to fight. Going dead inside and numb and depressed gets us deeper into the quagmire. Fighting is recovering our self- esteem by topping accusing ourselves – How could I have done that? or denying responsibility – It wasn’t my fault! or taking on responsibility that isn’t ours – It was all my fault…or lying to others – I didn’t do that! or lying to ourselves – I don’t care!

Fighting is saying Oh….. and then going down into that Soup of yuck and dread and pain and misery, and guilt, and everything we feel, until we touch love.

Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment. And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road. The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking.”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:45pm
765: Owlette says:

I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind. I made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind.

My face is hot and my chest is hot.
I’m going to sit here and feel.

Hi francesca.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 5:52pm
766: Femininewoman says:

“A WOMAN as Warrior simply says NO. Being a FEMININE Warrior is all about being about No.

5. Get a big perspective on the situation you’re in at this very moment. (There are more Tools for “Zooming Out” and “Flying Up” in my Toxic Men and Modern Siren programs…)

This could look like: There are people standing around in this room. My man, or that man who just came up to talk to me just said or did something and now I’m feeling uneasy and disturbed, and I have many wonderful emotions around all this.

6. Now… you’re going to follow the procedure for any Rori Raye “speech.” It goes basically — I feel, I don’t want. If you want to actually negotiate something, it can go — I feel, I don’t want, what do you think.”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:06pm
767: Daria says:

aww i feel so sad and disappointed

waves of painful feeling in my nosee tingling

my jaw heavy

my thighs tingling

awww

im still happy under it though its like i feel my smily sparkly self

and i feel mad!

rrrah

hmmm that feels different, like pulled ina diff direction, to the right now

twitch

twitch

twitch

tiwtch

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:10pm
768: Femininewoman says:

“Every time a man we’re in a relationship with does something we don’t like, or that doesn’t feel good – we’re taught to do the exact opposite of what will actually WORK for us.

Try this Tool right now:

1. Pick up a pen

2. Look at the pen, really look at it, and then FALL IN LOVE WITH IT.

That’s right, fall in love with it. You can do it in about 3 seconds – you’ll be shocked at how easy it is.

Now:

3. Go to the mirror

4. Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile at yourself. Now…

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF.

If you feel silly – that’s GREAT!

I want you to feel silly – because feeling silly is absolutely CHARMING!

5. Now, anywhere you are, if you see a mirror (or, at work, you can go to the bathroom) – look at yourself and FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF all over again.

The more you do it, the more your “energy” will shift.

And the more your energy shifts, and the more you have this “glow” around you of being in love with yourself…the more ATTRACTED to you EVERY man will be.

You’ll also get to see how easily we’re talked out of this…we’ve just been taught that falling in love with ourselves is “selfish” or “high and mighty” – don’t listen to those Nasty Voices.

The FASTEST way for a man to Fall In Love With YOU is for you to ALWAYS be in love with YOURSELF.

And I don’t want you to just THINK about this – I want you to DO this Tool all day long, in short bursts of less than 10 seconds.”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:17pm
769: Femininewoman says:

“A man feels safe with us when WE feel safe with us.

That means WE feel safe with ALL of us – all of our emotions, no matter how unpleasant or weak or “ugly” we may judge them to be.

The moment a man feels (and he feels this RIGHT OFF) – that you love and accept ALL of yourself – he instantly believes that you’ll love and accept ALL of HIM!

And feeling loved and accepted for who he is is the number one thing that inspires a man to want to be with you.

The old way of “making him feel loved and accepted” – by “telling him” or “showing him” actually PUSHES a man AWAY.

The SIREN way of making a man feel loved and accepted for exactly who he is – is for YOU to show him that you can love, accept and HANDLE ALL of YOU.

This is why confidence and self-esteem are so incredibly ATTRACTIVE to a man.

The thing is – you don’t HAVE to feel confident and have high-self esteem to unleash your inner SIREN and ATTRACT a man in an unbelievably irresistible way.

All you have to do is love and accept WHATEVER’S going on with you – and let him SEE it.”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:19pm
770: Daria says:

i feel sad i wanted to help and feel good and instead i wound up feeling bad

waves of depression are moving thru me

talked on phone

still feel a lil sad

i dotn want to think about this anymore

i dont want to feel bad sad anymore

sigh

i lvoe my sigh

i love my tiwtch

i love my wanting to yell and tell off

i love my jerks

i feel silent

pressed on my chest

tight in my mouth

pressure on my elbow and wrist

taht feels like hot and tingling

sigh

im starting to feel relaxed

i love my desire to throw in face, compete, put down

i STILL feel sad!

i feel like my lil girl has been WOUNDED

i feel FURIOUS

i want to LASH OUT

what is the procedure?

i know its not lash out

i feel filled w hot lava

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:20pm
771: Starla says:

yesyes i went for my run. then i went for a walk around the block to cool down, and i noticed these “hot” guys around that I would have felt shy and not good enough around before, but now I’m feeling like all I have to do is look over and smile and they’re all mine if I so choose;). I chose not too look over and notice them, but felt them noticing me, and wow! I was snubbing THEM! Aw poor dudes, hehe. I am looking and feeling so good these days. I am imagining how great I’ll feel in August when I go on the cruise that I’m supposedly going on (we’ll see).

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:20pm
772: ReceivingGirl says:

@758 FW Me too! It just brings me immediate peace. There was a turtle sticking his nose out of the water periodically. I also finally saw my baby bunny (who ate all my garden plants), he’s so cute, it’s hard to be upset with him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:23pm
773: Owlette says:

Daria, I went to the self esteem and power section. That was really helpful even though the suggestion wasn’t for me directly. Thanks!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:24pm
774: Daria says:

i am still feeling upset

fuchk i hate this

im totally blaming someone for it too

and this is great!

i get to change this

im feeling happy actually now

yay

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:28pm
775: Femininewoman says:

“By making a REQUEST for his company (“Can we talk,” “I miss you”) BEFORE he contacts YOU – You will simply be literally “mailing” him an invitation to friendship or friendship and sex – but until HE makes a move toward YOU – you are NOT an Invitation.

An Invitation is an OPEN, “inviting” thing. It draws a man in by its mystery and sense of promise. It’s a “lure.” An Invitation, in Rori Raye language, is not a “Request” for his company. It’s an Invitation to more amazing, fantastic, thrilling stuff, the stuff that you ARE – should he show up.”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:30pm
776: Femininewoman says:

How about this for a Mantra: Confidence is the fall-back position. (I just made that up.)

In other words – if nothing else makes sense, if there’s no REASON for you having confidence other than what YOU think – then – confidence is the logical choice!

Because no matter what you think is true, the truth is – you’re making it up anyway! You’ve just been making it up BAD.

So – let’s make this up GOOD. Let’s make up confidence as the logical, fallback, default position.

Let’s make you being gorgeous JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE – no other reason – the logical, fallback, default position.

You don’t need a reason. You don’t need reassurance, approval, anyone to say anything, a compliment…anything we’re all looking for to tell us what the total effect of what we look like is.

The total effect of what we look like is BEAUTY – if you say it is. So…

I SAY IT IS. Go ahead, say it: “I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

Touch your body – softly, slowly, and every time you touch it where it feels good and soft and smooth and YOURS – say it out loud.

I’m going to the mirror right now…let me know how it feels to FEEL GOOD in your own skin.

Love, Rori

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/feel-good-naked/

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:33pm
777: Femininewoman says:

“I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:37pm
778: Daria says:

Yay Owlette I feel all opened up and cheered reading that!

also your new name feels soooo innocent and special to me

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:37pm
779: Starla says:

auuughhhh i feel gripped

Day 11 NC. I miss him TERRIBLY:(

And I am going to keep moving forward in taking care of myself. Time for a hot shower and then packing myself some food for tomorrow, and lots of other lovely things to do for myself to follow.

(((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))

Auuughhh, the urge to text him is so intense. But I do not want to chase after that man only to have him disappear every time things get tough. I don’t think our hypothetical future children would appreciate a daddy like that:(

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:41pm
780: Daria says:

I SAY IT IS. Go ahead, say it: “I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

“I’m worthy. Im respect worthy. Im important. im fly. Im considered. heavy. a factor . honor worthy. listen worthy.

follow worthy. im somebody. ima vip. im a huge part of the group”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:41pm
781: Daria says:

im DIFFERENT

since like yesteray and reading that article about Me and the sweet song of tenderness and love

i found lil Daria

and its wonderful being her

like

its really ok to be innocent w men

and w the wrold

innocent and loving

i used to think that was being “babyish”

and it is sweet me

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:43pm
782: Femininewoman says:

Let’s all do it, and let’s call it YOUR LOGO:

1. Get out some paper and some crayons or markers and a pencil

2. Sit down, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a “place of peace.” Perhaps it’s by the ocean, on a tropical beach, or in a mansion on a hill, or…wherever YOU feel incredible and peaceful.

3. Now bring yourself into the picture and get really comfortable there.

4. Now – bring in your “Full-Potential-Self.” This is you as your most fully realized, ecstatic, highest, most at peace self.

5. Really look at her. Notice what she’s wearing, her hair, how she holds her body.

6. Now let her walk toward you, holding out her arms and her hands to you. Allow her to take your hands in hers, and then to embrace you completely in her arms – imagining how her magnificent energy is coming into your body and making you feel more and more like her.

7. Now fully notice that this amazing creature IS YOU. And that you and she are the same woman. That you share the same soul, the same heart, the same Love.

8. Let her give you her strength and command of her full self and her world, her peacefulness and Love, and let her love you totally.

9. Let her stay with you – loving you, giving you beautiful, powerful energy – for 10 breaths, in and out, slowly, and then slowly, gently, let her go. Let her stand far enough away from you that you can see her.

10. Now take out your pencil and paper and draw a few lines or squiggles that FEEL like HER and YOU together. This could look like anything – like two lines coming together, or two arches, or flowers, or curlicues, or hearts, or anything that feels like the experience you had with her.

Frame it in your mind and heart that you are doing this step for FUN ONLY. To EXPRESS yourself and your feeling – NOT to CREATE something “pretty” or “usable.”

Do no more than 5 simple versions this one time (you can always do this again and again) – and pick your favorite for now (notice if you’re getting all about what it LOOKS like, or trying to accomplish something – and remember we’re just trying to capture a FEELING here that will REMIND you of your experience with yourself. No matter what it looks like to you – each drawing will automatically HAVE that feeling – so you can’t go wrong – really, you can’t).

Add color to it if you like.

11. Now give the logo some WORDS

It can be something simple like “Peaceful Me,” or “I Am Beauty,” or “I Walk In Love…” Let it just come to you, and write it underneath or alongside your picture-logo (Perhaps, if you’ve done more than one version, you can include ALL the drawings in the one “logo.”)

12. Now – as Clara suggests, you can put it in a frame – one of those frames where you just slip in the picture – so that you can change it every single day if you wish! Or just tape it to your mirror or stand it on your desk against a book.

You can DO this every single day! There’s no end to the expression of your “Full-Potential-Self” and “Beautiful-You-As You-Are-Right-Now” – merged together.

I know you can’t post your pictures here, but let me know how this felt to you, and perhaps post the word part of your logo for today.

Now – how is this going to help you with a man?

Try carrying your personal logo out with you in the world. Wear the feeling you had being with your Full-Potential-Self, and see how it shifts your vibe into a more effortless, easy, open place.

This sense of acceptance and love from yourself will carry over into a total sense of CONFIDENCE that will envelop you – and we all know there’s nothing more attractive to a man than Confidence, and there’s nothing that feels BETTER to US when we’re WITH a man than confidence.

So, Love to you, and I’m going to go now and work on my very own “logo” to share with you, as you share with me, Rori

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:47pm
783: Femininewoman says:

1. Take a cup of water and go outside to a tree, or a bush, or a flower, or a statue.

2. Now – you’re going to use your fingers for a “brush” – so dip your finger into the water, and then “Paint” the tree, or the flower or statue or the leaf, with the water – very, very slowly and carefully – watching every single stroke you make, FEELING every single stroke you make, noticing every single tiny bit of the tree bark, or the flower petal, or the leaf.

Go so slowly that you feel like you’re going in slow motion – and make sure you’re AWARE of every second that passes – and that ALL your attention is on the water going onto the tree, the flower, the piece of fruit hanging from a branch.

Pretend the water is LOVE, and you’re painting this tree trunk, branch, fruit, flower, statue, with LOVE – literally.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/attraction/page/21/

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:53pm
784: Daria says:

i intend to continue being in tune w me and living from me and taking care of me

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 6:55pm
785: ReceivingGirl says:

I brushed with hydrogen peroxide and baking soda and then gargled with peroxide. This one part of my gums was really bubbling up and stinging from the peroxide and turned white. Does this mean I have a cut or infection? I’ve never had this happen before.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:04pm
786: Starla says:

RG, baking soda and peroxide might be too harsh for your gums. Coconut oil is a great alternative, if you’re interested!
((((((((((((rg’s gums)))))))))))) lol

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:25pm
787: ReceivingGirl says:

Coconut oil, really??

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:31pm
788: Starla says:

i swish with coconut oil for 20 minutes in the morning (empty stomach) aka oil pulling, and i use the colgate total baking soda toothpaste 2x a day, floss at night… my gums are so healthy and my breath feels so clean and fresh now… i feel ready to make out with anyone at a moment’s notice! haha.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:38pm
789: ReceivingGirl says:

Huh…so that’s what oil pulling is. Does the coconut oil just melt in your mouth? How much do you use, a spoonful?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:43pm
790: Starla says:

coconut oil is anti-everything.. anti-fungal, anti-viral, anti-bacterial. Lovely coconut oil. Get the extra virgin stuff and swish away:) You can also use it as toothpaste, but I’m too mainstream for that;) I neeeeed my sudsy paste!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:51pm
791: ReceivingGirl says:

I have some in the kitchen for cooking and some in the bathroom for moisturizing. I will give it a try. Thanks

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:54pm
792: Starla says:

just a spoonful. it does melt in your mouth. i copied techniques i found on youtube to get started. It’s totally gross/weird the first couple times you do it, but then it feels very easy and like any other part of your daily routine. oil pulling has helped my inflammation-based ailments, too. It’s pretty awesome for the whole body!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 7:57pm
793: Rebecca says:

Hmm… I am just wondering.. Certain men are attracted to me, and certain men aren’t. Yet I am always the same person so why is that? Is that me or is that them? Is it my vibe or their vibe?

I have a male friend who tells me he’s liked me since the moment he met me. I feel in his eyes I can’t do anything wrong.

Yet, with other men, surely I am the same person, but I can’t do anything ‘right’.

Surely it is them and not me??

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:01pm
794: Esteemed says:

Daria,

707 – “ps you might be like me and a job at a desk with set hours – just isnt part of what you want to do in life”

Ain’t that the truth! And especially since becoming a student of Rori and this blog! I have evolved so much in my thinking and feeling, and I find the office atmosphere more stuffy than ever!

Thank God most of the people I work with are down to earth, funny, and friendly. But there is one in every crowd, and today she was at my desk. I could tangibly FEEL the criticism and I-don’t-know-what coming at my back! I could barely think the vibes were so strongly bad!

After lunch, I emailed her saying it would go faster if we worked separately. She marched over to my desk, saying the team leader said to work together. If I have an issue, let me run it by him, not her. He was away until the end of the day.

I just worked by myself. I don’t know what she is up to, but based on my experience, she is wanting to work with me so she can study me for weaknesses, then bury me. I am her competition. I can format circles around her.

I detest dealing with stuff like that and I smell trouble.

Anyway, how I would LOVE to do something like help people find inner healing and learn relationship skills like this. Obviously I feel passionate about all I have learned and am learning here. That is where my heart is.

I am well aware that I am fighting my feminine nature in holding a masculine energy job. Yet I just can’t go on and on owing money and not having enough to live on.

My intention is to get a business up and running while I am working, so eventually I can be self supporting.

So often I long to just be a wife and a mother.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:08pm
795: Esteemed says:

My #698 – ” I like to overreact with the dialogues of others add a means of practice. ”

Darn that autocorrect! :0

That was supposed to say I like to interact. I was on my phone. I know I had a lot of other typos today, too, and I was unable to change some of them.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:10pm
796: Starla says:

“I just worked by myself. I don’t know what she is up to, but based on my experience, she is wanting to work with me so she can study me for weaknesses, then bury me.”

I’m going to be a little blunt here because I’m too lazy and rushed to edit for softness…

This stuff about your coworker is very assumptive thinking. Actually, it’s almost paranoid. Now, you might be correct, or worse, it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy..

BUT

More than likely she just wants to work with you because she’s 1. insecure about doing it alone or 2. unfamiliar enough with your work to feel nervous that is might not be good enough to reflect well on her.

I really encourage you to start assuming the absolute best in people in the work place. I think you will find it easier to do that, rather than trying to protect your neck all the time. It will feel awkward and scary at first, but workplace drama does not have to be a “fact” of life.

AAAAnd, I think working there while you start your own business is a fabulous idea. I’ve seen a lot of women take their own self improvement endeavors, successfully reach some milestones with it, and then turn it into a business by helping others reach their goals in that area.

I see big things for you if you keep thinking big. Getting bogged down in ideas that coworkers are out to get you, or that your job is victimizing you, is keeping you small.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:17pm
797: Esteemed says:

Dominique,

642 – Thank you, I know there is a lot of truth in your words.

In this case, I am grappling with how to interact with her. Today I used a simple feeling message: “I feel uncomfortable” (with working together at my desk). What I see unmistakeably is a toxic person.

What I am speaking from is almost every job I ever had women who are jealous or threatened by my work and try to get me fired. I could tell you of one experience after another.

While I have excessive sleepiness, the reason I work the jobs I do is I have advanced skills. I work quickly and with high quality. I effortlessly make other employees look bad. So they study how they can bring me down.

I don’t feel this way with the other people with whom I work…I sense teamwork.

Let me ask you this: If I sense someone has really bad vibes toward me, how can I avoid her damaging my reputation at the job? I feel scared and powerless, because it has happened repeatedly.

I see it coming, because it was not just a one time occurrence in my past. I have been told many times by other employees to slow down, that I’m going to make them look bad, and I’m going to work us right out of a job.

That is my cue to work even faster. LOL!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:18pm
798: Starla says:

I imagine your coworker is telling HER friends tonight “omg I work with this lady named Esteemed, and she is going to be the death of me, because she doesn’t want to do things how we’re told by working together, and I am so scared I’m going to get in trouble for it! There’s always that one difficult person in the work place, and she’s it!”

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:19pm
799: Starla says:

Brenda, you COULD slow down on the job, take lots of bathroom breaks and walk around the block or meditate, etc.

Keep yourself 10% faster than everyone else. I bet you’re REALLY fast. I sooo relate. But no one gets promoted for being really good at their job. That’s actually how you stay stuck in your job. People get rewarded for having people skills, essentially.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:22pm
800: Esteemed says:

Dominique,

P.S. I do not include the times when I am emotionally distraught. That affects my ability to function as much as sleep apnea. But I feel like I am more level emotionally now than ever! Thanks to this blog and you women!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:22pm
801: Starla says:

That statement i made about “no one gets promoted for being really good at their job” is just intended for production-based environments. Please don’t splice hairs with me, people:P

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:23pm
802: Starla says:

Esteemed, sorry for the name slip:(

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:25pm
803: Esteemed says:

Starla,

NP, it happens about the name slip. I agree with you about getting promoted for people skills. That has been a major handicap all my life with my lack thereof. Now I am developing people skills and that feels good. Baby steps.

Still not sure how to deal with in your face lady tho. So far I have been polite and friendly with her. But I don’t trust her at all.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:53pm
804: Starla says:

I know. Just TRY to trust her. Make it your day’s goal tomorrow to just assume she deserves your trust. What kinda sucks is she is probably going to act less deserving of your trust tomorrow because of what happened today. The seed of rift has been planted. I know you can do this. It will seriously blow over in a few days if you turn your energy toward trusting her as a teammate.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 8:58pm
805: Starla says:

Thank you, Starla, for getting up early
Thank you for oil pulling
Thank you for working out really hard
Thank you for feeding me a healthy, well rounded breakfast
Thank you for feeding me healthy snacks
Thank you for feeding me a healthy lunch
Thank you for eating a piece of fresh fruit
Thank you for getting me hummus
Thank you for running tonight
Thank you for packing me breakfast and lunch for tomorrow
Thank you for exfoliating and shaving
Thank you for moisturizing my skin
Thank you for drinking ACV
Thank you for flossing my teeth
Thank you for listening to relaxing music whenever possible
Thank you for marching on as a soldier for me, even when I want to send you off to chase after CF.
Thank you for trusting that I deserve better.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:02pm
806: siren song says:

guy who loves me emailed me yesterday, so i emailed back today saying i felt curious and confused as to why he’d be contacting me if he has a new woman in his life. no answer. i feel stupid for replying to him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:25pm
807: siren song says:

i feel pissed off, too. i’m annoyed that he’d email me and then not have the balls to email me back.

i am pissed off because he dumped anger on me for months over cding and now he’s seeing other women and sending me little stupid emails. i feel like throwing a rock through his front window.

i won’t. but. come. on. buddy.

arg!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:28pm
808: Esteemed says:

Starla,

803 – Isn’t that ignoring my intuition? I trust my intuition, and I want to honor it, not ignore it.

Can you please explain?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:29pm
809: siren song says:

and i’m mad at me for caring. this guy has been a drain on me for months and here he is still worming his way into my energy.

i feel so annoyed.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:31pm
810: Starla says:

Esteemed, maybe, but I think your intuition is a bit miscalibrated in this department towards the “paranoid” end of the spectrum. Kind of like when it feels wrong in our guts to lean back/resist overfunctioning a la Rori, but with some practice it becomes totally natural.

I’m going to bed. night!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:45pm
811: Esteemed says:

Starla,

Maybe so, but when almost every job has had a catty woman trying to ruin my reputation so I lose my job, I guess it’s natural when I feel nasty vibes even when my back is turned to trust my intuition.

I could tell horror stories of what women did to me at jobs, most recently last October when a woman told lies and got me fired.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 9:52pm
812: Esteemed says:

If a woman on TV shaved her eyebrows and then painted them on crooked, am I allowed to criticize her?

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:41pm
813: Esteemed says:

“If you are dancing with someone who is constantly stepping on your toes, then why are you allowing that?” ~ Time for Hope, TV

I slept from 7 to 9 pm and it left me wide awake plus I had a million things to do.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:43pm
814: mary says:

hello!!! !

it’s been a while since i commented on this blog.i need a lil’ help from my siren friends! anyone out there who would please give some feedback? daria? tink? simply shannon? lucy? alias girl? alicia? mercedes? laughing goddess? rori?

i’m involved with this guy that i don’t think i want to marry. yes! i went into girlfriend status with him two years ago – while i was on this blog! (mistake! and i’d never do it again!)

i don’t like the thought of giving him up. he’s great! we have fun when we’re not too serious. he’s not very busy and he calls a lot and we see each other almost every day. he likes to cook dinner for me, etc. and he’s the best of all boyfriends, except for his anger problem. when he gets upset – and i never know what will upset him! – he sometimes yells and criticizes and i find that i don’t trust him, because he does things i’ve specifically asked him not to do – because sometimes he disagrees with me – so i don’t think i can marry him.

i think i WOULD like to get married to someone someday. i can see that as a good station for me.

i asked him to get tested for STDs when we first got together, and he didn’t. instead, i tested myself (how naive is that? !!) then i saw some signs of an outbreak and i refused to have sex with him until he got tested. he waited EIGHT MONTHS to get tested. we didn’t have sex at all then, because they say that condoms are not completely protective…

then he tested positive to both HSV viruses i’d rather not get it if there’s a breakup on the horizon. you know? i’d go ahead and get it if i decided to marry him, but i don’t think he’s the one for me. so far i don’t have it.

(i know it’s not that big of a deal, but the Internet says it’s worse in women… and if i don’t want to marry him, it doesn’t make sense to expose myself… does it?)

i feel like he’ll be devastated if i break up with him. i don’t want to do that to him! somehow i’m not strong enough to take responsibility for me.

what’s wrong with me?

silly, silly me… !! !

(i love my silly-ness?)

if i did break up, what would i say? how would i do it? i think i’ll do it, and i make up my mind, and then i back down. i don’t want to do it unless i do it in person, but that’s hard for me! because of his smile, his blue eyes, his smell, his way… so i back down and don’t do it.

i feel miserable.

oh, it seems like i’m planning to murder someone! it seems so terrible! so unbelievably awful!

is that a trumped up view of my role in his life?

oh my!

there is the other hand. if i ignore the anger problem, he’s a great guy! a perfect gentleman! a lovely boyfriend! handsome and gregarious! artistic and understanding! just great for me!

i just don’t know what to do. i’m confused.

thank you – anyone – for reaching out at this time! i’ve never been quite so upset about anything…

love, mary

Wednesday, 20 June 2012 @ 10:58pm
815: Tam says:

812 – Esteemed..loving ‘not the dancing with someone stepping on your toes’…..that is very true. A couple of times stepping on my toes is ok…but any more than that-no. Metaphorically speaking

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 12:03am
816: mary says:

How To Find Happiness In The Middle of a Painful Breakup

this helps a bit… !

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 12:45am
817: mary says:

(from Rori’s archives)

Mmmmmm… except that I’m not breaking up… yet!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 12:46am
818: mary says:

well, i guess no one else is up!

so i should go to sleep, too…

i was hoping to solve my problems tonight!

oh well… !!! !

maybe they’ll be gone in the morning.

let’s hope for that!

and maybe i could just be glad in the morning, no matter what!

that would be good…

yes, i like that!

no matter what, i’ll be glad in the morning! for something! even if it’s just that i’m alive!

and if there’re problems, i’ll be up for doing what i can do about them and leaving the rest to whatever happens.

!! !

g’nite…

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:36am
819: Simply Goddess says:

757: Femininewoman

Arr, I messed it all up again didn’t I..
I did so well in the space and I assued once we et up again everything would go back to him missing me etc and I just reacted when it didn’t seem too..
Have I really gone back to square one now and ruined all the progress?
Do I just lean back again? xx

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:41am
820: owlette says:

ladies something weird happened tonight. i sent my apology letter to my ex. two hours later a new CD emailed me on a dating site – something about him felt right and i mentioned i was free tonight. its 1am and the date just ended. the second we looked at each other we couldnt stop smiling, and then i found out he was raised in the same state as my ex and has the same career. wow. i feel like i freed up some stuck energy and brought this in.

i felt so many feelings tonight. excitement, and waves of sadness that i felt excited about someone other than my ex. and thoughts like “is my ex doing this with women? has he found someone better and forgotten me?” lame.

i feel scared. and i miss the ex. and i feel curious about the new guy. i feel like i can trust that ill be taken care of suddenly. im going to sleep with that last thought.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:43am
821: Tam says:

((((Mary)))) hope you’re having a restful sleep…be good to yourself.

((((Simply G)))) ..find a way to put the focus back on yourself, the idea of leaning back is not so you manipulate him into doing something. You are the prize, you are the Siren and you will choose what you accept and whom you accept.
You are beautiful and worthy and you are not chasing a man or a reaction from a man. Learn to ‘be’ and they will come running from all sides…and he will too. If not he is NOT you.

Trust in the Universe.

Is it easy? No. I am not finding it easy either. But it gets easier. Fake it till you make it

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:47am
822: Tam says:

sorry, typo.. ‘if not he is not your man’

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:48am
823: mary says:

hmmmmm…

thank you Tam! I’m not asleep yet…

oh, i found something through a search on “circular dating”

(in case anyone else is going through this too…)

rori said:

“The simplest thing of all is simply to say “I feel incredible being asked to be your girlfriend, and I know that I can get really, really attached to a man if I’m exclusive, and it’s hard for me to stay in balance. I can get insecure and high maintenance, and start putting pressure on you and the relationship – and I don’t want that to happen.”

if i said that he’d be so mad! i usually am easy-going when he gets mad, and i never tiptoe around trying to not make him mad! but this…

it must be the fear of loss. i mean, what if he leaves for good? and finds someone else right away? i’m beginning to wonder if that would be okay!

?? ! ?

maybe it would!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:53am
824: mary says:

owlette:

awesome! i love it that you feel curious about the new guy! that must feel great.

it might be something to look forward to for me.

?

who knows?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:56am
825: Tam says:

Ah Mary, I think this is the key. We must love ourselves enough to be able to walk away from any man at any time, though of course we don’t want to have to do that. The confidence that comes with being secure in oneself will appeal to men and also your man if he is healthy.
Truth is we can never ‘possess’ another person or control them. They will do what they want.
I think you should speak your truth to him in feeling messages, yes he might be angry and get upset but you might also be surprised…

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:57am
826: Simply Goddess says:

Thanking you kindly Tam..

Sometimes just to feel better I need a bit of (a shake) advice and inspiration from one of you lovely ladies xoxox

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:11am
827: Tam says:

Aw SG…I feel the same. I need the advice too, somehow easier to give it than apply to one’s own life
wonder why?
Ah, it’s all good

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:16am
828: mary says:

thank you!

maybe i should say this:

i feel incredible that you asked me to be your girlfriend and that you gave me the special turquoise ring like yours!

i know i can get really, really attached to a man when i’m exclusive, and it’s hard for me to stay in balance. i get confused! i feel confused right now.

i can get insecure and jealous and high maintenance, and i can start putting pressure on the relationship by getting into the marriage talks, and i don’t want to do that. i want to honour your timetable as well as mine.

i don’t want to feel upset when i think about you because we’ve had so many amazing times together.

so…”

(now is the part where i need to tell him about dating others, and i don’t know if i can do it!)

oh.

my.

oh me oh my.

whatamigonnado?

i’m a coward.

(i love my being a coward?)

i love my baby step.

hmmmm… maybe i could just say that stuff above and then just say, “what do you think?”

and i think i can do that! yes, i can!

(maybe he’ll take it from there)

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:19am
829: mary says:

no, he won’t take it from there.

he’ll get kinda mad…

so i need to rethink it.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:20am
830: mary says:

well, Tam…

i really am goin’ to sleep now.

thanks for your input!

g’nite!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:22am
831: Tam says:

Good night…..but do you have to tell him that you are dating others?
And…in my experience, if you have too many sentences, they get bogged down, I find it best to have short, to the point conversations with men….

I have recently met an arty guy who talks a lot and can deal with huge amounts of info coming from me, without getting confused (yay), but he is really the exception….

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:29am
832: Tam says:

..and why oh why, when I have found a super communicative, open guy who speaks his mind and his feelings and is in touch with himself and others…..why do I want to put him in the ‘feminine man’ category. Why don’t I just wait and see? I don’t want to label him already….

What’s wrong with me? I have just made bad experiences with uncommunicative and closed and emotionally unavailable men – but do I find that so masculine and is that what I am craving? I don’t want to. No, no, no. I want easy and nice and communicative and emotionally mature. That’s what I want!!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:35am
833: mary says:

Tam,

i know what you mean about the masculine thing. some men look and feel and smell more masculine than others, but that doesn’t mean they are!

it sounds like you might have found a winner! those are all wonderful qualities.

sure, you could wait and see and possibly your feelings will tell you whether he’s masculine enough for you – or not!

i hope he turns out to be… !! : )

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:50am
834: mary says:

hmmmm…

if i didn’t tell him i was gonna be dating other men, and if i wanted to keep it short and sweet, i’d say,

“it feels awesome to be your girlfriend but i’m getting confused. i don’t want to lose perspective or balance. and i don’t want to put more pressure on the relationship. i’m thinking of making some changes. what do you think?”

somehow, i do think i need to talk to him about breaking the status quo. and about the idea of dating others (although i don’t even want to right now!) so he’ll know exactly where we are. after two years, i want to be fair.

you know?

i don’t want to break up. i just want to change things! so i’ll feel less confused. so i won’t keep pressuring… etc.

yes, maybe that’s enough said!

thank you, Tam!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 2:57am
835: Silver Moonbeam says:

Esteemed, I apologise I didn’t realise you had an illness, I thought you were late because of the commute which I have seen you talk about on here many times.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:02am
836: Tam says:

@ Mary, if you feel like that it will be a good idea to communicate it to him, and to make it all about you. So that he doesn’t feel it as a pressure.

Go for it and then … do date a little…or just flirt a little

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:04am
837: Rebecca says:

Well I actually ‘enjoyed’ my run this morning. And could have done more. And am not red faced!!

Hmmm, I was thinking about my coffee date yesterday. Boy, he really triggered me. I felt very irritated in his prescence. He kept asking me qustion after question about what type of music I was into. For some reason I wanted to keep the conversation light and I didn’t wanr to give away too many details about myself. I felt like he was pressuring me to open up about myself and I felt really stressed.

But this is about ‘me’ right?? Why does this guy trigger me? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around him? Why am I judging him… Hmmm… If anyone has any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated.

Esteem ~ I envy you being a fast worker. I am the opposite.

I am currently out of a job because my boss didn’t like me. I could never ‘win’ with him. If I said black he said white, and vice versa..

I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I am scared that I won’t find another job.. I need a hug.. ((((((me)))))))

Sry… Its morning and I didn’t sleep well… Again!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:06am
838: Rebecca says:

Sorry, I should add, my coffee date, seemed to want to know about every area of my life. What I did at the weekend? What groups I belonged to? How did I do this? How didI do that? What do I think of this? What do I think of that? And if I was silent or said I difnot want to answer then ‘he’ would answer his own question??!! I found it sooo annoying and on several occasions I found myself wanting to throw my coffee at him. Think he would have enjoyed this though!! Every time I did try and answer him he would just laugh at me and make a condescending comment, like I was stupid. I felt very hurt. Why do people need to treat me like this!!!??

Also, when I did try and answer he would lwt me speak for about a millisecond and then talk over me. I felt so overwelmed I just wanted to walk out… Grrrr…. Sry for ranting…. Feeling pent up …

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:15am
839: Ella says:

It would feel GREAT to go to the South of France in August.

I wonder if this is possible.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:18am
840: Francesca says:

Hi Ella!

I was wondering about you this morning.

How’s it going?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:55am
841: Francesca says:

Rebecca,

Maybe he was nervous and tried to fill in the silent moments with “mindless” conversation.

Perhaps you could tell him that you don’t feel good being in a one-way conversation and that it feels bad being interrupted when you try to answer a question he asked you.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 3:59am
842: Francesca says:

Oh man, working out in this weather is killing me, I’m so glad I’m done!

It’s been extremely hot for two days now.

It’s supposed to be 40C (with the humidex) today.

And no rain in the forecast.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:04am
843: Ella says:

Hi Francesca.

Its going good thank you.

I am posting under another name for personal stuff now.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:10am
844: Linda says:

#601 Love Actually

THanks for your question. NO I did not trust him. He behaved in such a way over and over that he earned that status with me 10Xs over. I will automatically trust someone until they prove that they are not worthy of trusting. With him, we would talk about it (a specific innocendent)…he would say he was sorry… and go right back to being the same tiger with the same stripes. I kept extending him grace, hoping he would eventually change on his own merit, but in the end he kept accepting the grace and continueing to be sneaky. I could feel it. He thought nothing of lieing to me. For example: I had a dream this past april. It woke me up and I talked to him about it straight away and asked the question,,”what are your plans”. Hes response was to “Live a contented life with you”. But, in reality that was a LIE. He was planning to leave. THe day he left (end of May) he said “I been working on this since the first of the year!)…. SEE I KNEW!

611# Starla: I am so glad you have grown and changed. I do hope that the man you wish for (CF) does too. In my case after a time apart and a heartfelt (or what I thought was real) letter and changed behavior for a short time, he was indeed the same man that I broke it off with. I do hope that your scenerio turns out differently. Just keep doing what you are doing and stay on your bridge. I got pulled off mine

#612 Sassy to answer your question, YES I did follow that gut feeling that we would be together someday. YES there were problems. He would tell me I was not “The One”… I went on again… he would go a while and tell me he was wrong and that I was a rare woman… he loved me…., But then caught him in a huge lie with another woman involved and I broke it off permanetly. I still had that Gut feeling about him though. I Broke it off completely, told him I did not want him or his drama in my life! Weeks later, he wrote me a letter. In hind site I should have never read it or believed a word of it.. but I did and that opened the door (following my gut) and letting him back into my life.

All in all I should have just kept that door closed and kept walking. There were times he was so charming, and then cold as ice and disconnected. It was the charming engaged in life man that I loved to be with and there was just enough of that that would cause me to hang in there, thinking that he would fully come around. What he wrote in the letter ended up never happening and He is gone now.

My door is closed permanently to him. End of sentence.

Linda

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:12am
845: Linda says:

On a very encourageing note. I am wearing pants to work today that I have not been able to get zipped up for a year! YEAH!

Linda

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:21am
846: Dancing Siren says:

Hi Sirens,

I have something to report.

Yesterday when I was at work with ‘S’ as I will call him now, and other work colleague, I noticed how bad I still feel around the pair of them.

I noticed myself trying to join in and get attention… and feeling left out and needy.

I also noticed myself being very sweet and making an effort with that male chef who I have had a difficult time with… whilst still holding my ground.

I noticed myself feeling weird around S and then I noticed him ignoring me and instead being close and paying attention to the other chef (the male one).

I noticed how icky this felt.

When I caught myself I removed myself from the situation and went and did something else.

This helped a bit.

When S came around I was warm and inviting.

This felt good.

I have noticed myself leaning forward a bit recently. I have noticed S back off a little bit.

Yesterday evening I went for dinner with my friend. Last night I also reviewed some of ‘Reconnect’

Today I have been seriously considering arranging a holiday / short break for myself, if S is not free to go with me.

I want a break and so far we haven’t discussed any plans.

I am opening myself to the possibility that I might, and could, go and do something on my own…

or with him.

But I am making the necessary plans to take myself for a break if that is the way it pans out.

Today when he contacted me on Facebook IM. I said it felt good to hear from him.
I also said I felt weird working with him and the other chef and that I don’t enjoy it.

I noticed NVs in my head saying how I am always complaining and berrating me for being negative.

I soothed them. I don’t mind or know what will happen. I was just sharing my feelings.

The other day a hot delivery driver came to my door. I had no make up on and was having an ‘off’ day. I smiled anyway and leant back.

I thought after ‘It would feel great to always get up in the morning and dress nicely and put make up on cus you never know who is going to show up!’

I didn’t think I would see him again.

This morning I was sitting working in my dressing gown and I decided to get up and have a shower and put on some nice clothes (still no make up though).

After I was dressed there was a knock at the door.

It was the hot delivery driver again.

I leant back, unzipped my heart, smiled and responded.

He asked if I was single.

I said I was seeing someone but not married.

He asked if I would take his number and call him if it doesn’t work out with my guy.

I said sure.

I took it.

Then, after he had driven off he called (he found my number on his delivery sheet) and said it was his last day working for the firm but that it was nice meeting me and he hopes he will hear from me again.

I felt giggly.

Anyway.

I just wanted to report back on this magic. And the magic of shifting your vibe!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:25am
847: Francesca says:

Yay, Dancing Siren!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:35am
848: Francesca says:

I’ve decided that I was going to let my hair dry naturally this morning because it’s way too warm to use the blow drier.

The haircut I have now is supposed to be of the “wash and dry” type but somehow, I haven’t been comfortable enough with it and wouldn’t step out of the house without fixing it properly.

Today, I don’t give a f*ck.

And I’m saying this to the world: if you don’t like the way I look, look elsewhere.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:45am
849: Turquoise says:

Hi sirens, I leaned forward and called Dreamy last night. He didn’t answer so I left a light message and asked him to call me back. I read Dominique’s blog about the uncommunicative man, and really wish they understood how the lack of hearing from them makes us feel. I didn’t sleep well at all last might and I’ve been running through our last date wondering what went wrong. I can’t find anything.

I know it’s just been a few weeks, but I really like him and I thought he liked me too. Turning the focus back on me…. Try not to think about him and go on with my day.

Drama guy came over last night with his girls. He’s cute, but his life is a mess and I feel bad for him. I don’t see myself in a romantic relationship with him. But friends is ok.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:53am
850: Turquoise says:

In other news… Heard from a guy on POF that I dated briefly a few years ago. He told me I still look incredible. That was nice to hear, but mainly reminded me that he poofed too. My guys all poof, why can’t they act like a grown up and just say…. Hey, this isn’t quite what I’m looking for.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 4:57am
851: Femininewoman says:

Hi Turq, was there sex with Dreamy? Remember we tend to put out stronger vibes after that leaves men feeling a bit pressured.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:14am
852: Femininewoman says:

Wooohoo Dancing Siren. That felt lovely to read. It is not about the looks. I say don’t call him. When I read about his card I said to myself “you should have written your number on the back of his card and give it back to him”. But I see he is smart, he “looked” for your number and called. Please never call him, let him keep sending his energy towards you. It will help you to feel lovely and S will sense that.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:20am
853: Femininewoman says:

Esteemed not to minimize your experience but I just want to remind you that the thing you fear the most is the thing that is likely to overtake you. Thought becomes things. We all run an internal script. That script/program eventually shows up in our lives. Your story reminds me so much of Gay Hendricks’ and his program of creating relationships with women who always abandoned him. As they say “as in the spiritual so in the natural”. We create our own world by our beliefs.

I believe this is showing up at the doorway of your breakthrough. You are at a choicepoint. Please see it for what it is and know that you are great creator/manifestor and use the law of attraction. I actually feel excited for you because of your awareness around you. Just the way you have chosen to express yourself about it shows change.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:27am
854: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca NEXT time literally try leaning back in your chair and drop your thoughts to your pelvis. Put your hand up, lower your voice and say “can I say something”, just to do something different. Or just say something totally irrelevant otherwise “it would feel good to be listened to”.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:33am
855: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca “I felt like he was pressuring me to open up about myself” is very telling. This might be his message. A man can only connect if we are open, maybe you are a bit closed because of your job insecurities?

Even though he was asking probing questions maybe you could use “ohh this coffee feels so good going down”. “I felt apprehensive about meeting someone new but now it feels less stressful sitting here I feel silly and giggly laughing at myself”

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:39am
856: ReceivingGirl says:

@791 Starla

I tried coconut oil this morning while I showered. I used half a teaspoon, but felt it was a lot, so I spit some out and probably ended up with a quarter of a teaspoon. It is weird at first. I read a bunch of people online saying they got sick, whether a cold or vomiting from it because of all the toxins it removes from your body.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:41am
857: Femininewoman says:

Simply Goddess I see where you can really some help in one of Rori’s programs. Have you read around the blog especially under Attraction and Power/Sel-Esteem?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:42am
858: Starla says:

Day 12 NC

I have a date circled on my calendar for 30 days of NC. I have a feeling I actually will be doing much better by then. What’s interesting is mornings are much easier for me now than evenings, and the evenings are full of missing him. Funny how that has flipped for me.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:51am
859: Starla says:

Receiving girl, ideally you want to be using a tablespoon. It gets easier after a few days.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 5:52am
860: Linda says:

I still have spells of weeping that come over me.

I still have times where I am soooo angry.

I still …. wish I so wish that he had been what he promised to be and that the talks we had would have resulted in a “real relationship”.

I just embrace that. Cause I am REAL.

Linda

Linda

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:01am
861: Femininewoman says:

I am definitely going to try that coconut oil, even on my hair.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:02am
862: Turquoise says:

Yeah FW … There was sex. I actually just heard from him, swamped at work with a big project he’s been talking about. I feel relieved.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:14am
863: Dominique says:

Esteemed – #796 – You don’t have to do anything at all but continue to do your work to the best of your ability, Smile at her; be pleasant; compliment her. Be as kind to her as you would anyone here on this blog.

If she truly is out to get you, you give her enough rope, and she will hang herself.

I don’t really believe she is though. Likely she feels insecure, so she is throwing her weight around a bit.

xxoo

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:38am
864: Rebecca says:

FW ~ yes, he kept asking me about my work situation and I tols him politely I didn’t want to talk about it. He continued to question me and I put my hand up and said ‘Sorry, I just don’t want to talk about this. Can we change the subject? Can we talk about something happy?’ He then proceeded to start laughing and staring at me like it was funny. I was fuming inside and nearly got up to walk off.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:47am
865: Dominique says:

Mary!!! – I was just thinking about you yesterday.

I don’t see a question here. Unless you’re asking advice on what to do which no one can answer but you.

xxoo

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:53am
866: Dominique says:

Tam – If you haven’t yet read my latest article, it may shed some light on you questions around uncommunicative men.

http://sexandheart.com/your-uncommunicative-man#comment-1976

xxoo

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 6:57am
867: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I believe where you work is, is being comfortable with yourself without a job and your ability to find new employment. Are you judging yourself for being unemployed?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:04am
868: Femininewoman says:

When you don’t hear back from him, try remembering that you are in his heart and mind regardless of the reply or lack thereof. When he won’t talk to you about the relationship, try thinking instead that he just doesn’t feel the need to, for you already are his forever girl. You really are. Can you reach out through the ethers and feel it?
http://sexandheart.com/your-uncommunicative-man#comment-1976

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:13am
869: Love Actually says:

843: Linda

I feel nervous to write this. When I read ” SEE I KNEW!”
I feel happy because you DID KNOW. Your intuition (gut) was working just as it needs to and you gave him grace as you said…

What do you think?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:22am
870: Love Actually says:

844: Linda

Yayyyyy!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:23am
871: Sassy says:

New thread up

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:52am
872: sunflower says:

All the CDs I feel interested in are silent,
those I feel uninterested in, are around .
I have to learn to treat them all equally, and see what
message there is for me. But I feel bored.

I feel I am baystepping into feeling messages..all I can manage at the moment is I feel bad/Sad/happy/moved/bored..
I feel awed by the wisdom of the sirens here..
I feel awed as how wise femininewoman, and Dominque are.
I feel awed at the way Daria can ‘pause: and hold the silence, and not feel compelled to say,”yes it is hot”
Maybe if practice with the every man who shows up,
and not turn away because “I feel bored”..i will get wise too..:)
I feel inspired to be wise, to delve into my little girl and get lost in her, and pauses, and speak when I feel inspired with feeling messages ..:)

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 7:57am
873: Rebecca says:

FW ~ No, it’s not so much I am judging myself for being employed. It is more that I want him to respect my boundaries about how much detail I want to give him about ne and my life. I feel like I can’t breathe when he is around. I literally have to force myself to take deep breaths.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 8:23am
874: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca what is the boundary?

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 9:09am
875: Esteemed says:

Subscribing. Will respond tonight when I’m not on my phone. Too slow.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 9:21am
876: mary says:

Hi Tinque!

I’ve been thinking about you, too!

I hope all is well.

Hmmmmm… no question?

How do I force a decision?

If I let this guy go, will I ever find love again?

What if I realize – too late – that he was a pretty good catch?

If I decide to break up with him, and try to do it in a friendly way, as Rori suggests, by opening up the relationship, it’s still breaking up, isn’t it? Dating others is still a way of saying, “You’re not what I want…” isn’t it?

How can I become strong enough to break up with him? My intuition tells me that I can’t marry him. So I should not be his girlfriend. So I should say the words. Why can’t I do that? I’m worried that I’ll want him back, that there won’t be anyone else “out there” and that I’ll have regrets.

I like what you said about what happened to you! When you manifested your desire in your ex’s decision!

I dreamed last night that that happened to me, and he said, “This is not working” or “I think we should break up” or something like that. And I said, “Yes, it’s not working for me, either.”

I want it to be OUR decision. Do you think that could happen?

So good to talk to you!

I’d love anyone else’s opinion, too! I feel stuck. Does anyone know how to get out of stuck?

Thank you,

Mary

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 10:45am
877: Smile says:

I love my boundaries. I respect my feelings. I love that I communicated to him in a respectful feeling way to share these with him. I will not be stood up again.

He is coming to pick his stuff up tomorrow. I said I would drop it off for him but he is staying back at his parents so I am respecting that and giving him until tomorrow.

I made it all about me and my feelings and my boundaries but with no blame and respect.

I’m getting so much better at scripting. This one took me a day to draft up but I’m sure I’ll get quicker.

Yey me!

I still have good feelings for my elastic man but I love my feelings more!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 10:46am
878: mary says:

hello Smile!

i’m curious!

what did you say? what was the script? i’d love to hear!

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 11:05am
879: smile says:

Hi Mary,

I didn’t realise there was a new thread open. I shall reply to you on there

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 11:51am
880: Dominique says:

Mary -

How do I force a decision? – You can’t.

If I let this guy go, will I ever find love again? – Of course if this is what you want which I think you do.

What if I realize – too late – that he was a pretty good catch? –

If you really felt like this about him, you would know right now. You would not have doubts, or if you did, they would be negligible.

If I decide to break up with him, and try to do it in a friendly way, as Rori suggests, by opening up the relationship, it’s still breaking up, isn’t it? Dating others is still a way of saying, “You’re not what I want…” isn’t it? –

Yes and no. If he’s not stepping up in a way that feels good to you, this may be the inspiration he needs to do so. In a sense you are breaking exclusivity. You can still remain sexually exclusive and accept other offers for coffee etc. And you would tell him this. If he really wants to be with you, he will find a way. Though there are some men who would balk at this and leave for good.

How can I become strong enough to break up with him? My intuition tells me that I can’t marry him. So I should not be his girlfriend. So I should say the words. Why can’t I do that? I’m worried that I’ll want him back, that there won’t be anyone else “out there” and that I’ll have regrets. -

You’ve mostly answered your own questions right here, that you can’t marry him. If you’re really that unsure though, and it’s not your fears of being alone talking, then you may need to see this through. Continue your healing, and clarity will come to you. It sounds though as if you already have decided.

You unstick yourself with any sort of movement. Just being here talking about this is unsticking yourself.

xxoo

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:27pm
881: Alissandra Kay says:

This is so true! When I was a teenager I’d get offended when someone mentioned my skin since I had acne. Once the acne cleared up, I didn’t care anymore when people said anything about my skin but for a long time any mention of it was a trigger.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 @ 1:35pm
882: mary says:

Hi Dominique!

Thank you! I appreciate your input so much!

I did talk with him today and I told him I wasn’t happy and that I felt stuck and I didn’t know what to do. I outlined the problems and he listened. I asked him what he thought… and he said he wanted to marry me. And we spent the rest of the evening together. I cut his hair and it looked so great! His feelings are hurt. And he feels rejected. But I’m not rejecting him; just how he’s treating me. I told him I loved him… so I know! I didn’t resolve anything! I just talked about it all.

Maybe, like you said, it’s some movement, and maybe that’s good!

Love you!

Mary

Friday, 22 June 2012 @ 1:53am
883: Annie says:

I feel soooooo triggered. I feel rage I want to push this person away physically attack them shout at them, to get the hell away from them. I expressed my feeling of frustration about the same issue grrrrrrrrr rinse and repeat grrrrrrrr and their reply was ” you don’t need to feel frustrated and then went into an explanation of why I don’t need to feel frustrated. I felt such rage at that reply. It feels like I am living in hell when I tolerate this I don’t want to tolerate this. This triggers me really really badly when someone says that I don’t need to feel or shouldn’t feel xy or z my parents did this to me all of my life and still do it. I feel uncared for like I am being told that my feelings are wrong and I have no need or right to feel like that. So I then I used to believe that my feelings didn’t matter and I misunderstood what people mean’t grrrrrr. I now know this is a big fat lie. My feelings matter very much to me thank you very much. They bloody well matter a lot and I care a lot. I will not abandon who I am and what I feel ever again!!! Gosh have I chosen this man because it feels like home and it feels like pain? It feel like my heart is being tortured. How do I get out of this hell? I feel helpless, I feel stuck in hell. I process get to a better place feel happy until the next time I express a negative feeling and I get the same rinse and repeat. Is the answer to end my relationship with this man? What about my parents?

Monday, 25 June 2012 @ 2:44am
884: Annie says:

I don’t want hear other peoples judgmental thoughts on how they think I should or should not feel, or how I need to feel. It makes me feel anger and rage and underneath that rage when I go deeper it makes me feel extreme pain, torturous pain.
My feelings belong to me and no one else.
I feel emotionally manipulated when this happens.
That feels really really bad to me and I don’t want to tolerate and be in the presence of people who want to talk to me from that place. I want to feel, good happy calm peaceful and loved. I will not torture myself in this way any longer and will chose to remove myself from the presence of anyone who choses to continue speaking to me in that way.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012 @ 6:04am
885: Sophie says:

Dear Rori Raye
Just a quick comment to tell you i’m 32 and your advice has given me the biggest breakthroughs of my life with regard to relationships. Before reading your advice I was cute and could attract men easily but I was cagey and never vulnerable. I was full of boy energy too and my breakups always ended with me saying sadly: ‘you dont know anything about me’. I will keep applying all your teaching where I need to, I dont ever want to forget each little detail! Anyone reading – it works because it lets you be yourself around the man you love.
lots of love and gratitude Rori
xx xx

Saturday, 30 June 2012 @ 1:14am
886: Rori Raye says:

Sophie, Welcome, and thank you so much for this gorgeous comment – and BRAVA to you for using the Tools and letting them work for you. Love, Rori

Saturday, 30 June 2012 @ 6:50pm
887: Esteemed says:

Annie,

884 – I don’t like it when people tell me, “You shouldn’t feel that way…” either.

I have a right to feel, think, and believe.

And, I have a right to express how I feel, think, and believe.

Saturday, 30 June 2012 @ 9:41pm
888: Cherishedb4 says:

Ive often wondered if my self esteem is so low I would be willing to be treated lie a sex object by my hu
band them be treated with respect,all,bcuz I’m scared to be alone……

Sunday, 1 July 2012 @ 9:12pm
889: Rori Raye says:

Cherished – it’s pretty hard to be treated like a sex object by a man you’re married to – unless he’s abusive…will you tell us more? What a “sex object” feels like and looks like to you, and what “respect’ feels and looks like? And, yes – it’s up to YOU to REQUIRE that you get your needs met! It’s the way you EXPRESS all that that makes a huge difference. Love, Rori

Monday, 2 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

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